#anyway. i understand them like nobody else and this is true and right

[loving-jack-kelly]

jack in third grade with a crush on davey teasing him on the playground bc he doesn't know what else to do with the weird emotion.

jack in middle school realizing that it's a crush and not knowing what to do with the weird and now terrifying emotions so he stops talking to davey altogether.

jack in high school feeling like shit for ghosting somebody he used to be close with but not knowing what to do about it now that it's been four years and they're about to graduate and also he still gets weirdly sentimental and also butterflies when he hears davey laugh from across the room.

jack in college texting davey happy birthday because he can't think of a better way to restart a relationship that pretty much ended eight years ago and he misses home and misses familiarity and has never forgotten davey's birthday since the first time he learned it in elementary school.

[diazisms]

hello i humbly offer another installment of my "this was supposed to be a text post but it spiraled into a short coda oneshot" series.

hen and eddie talk about buck's coming out. also today's wordle is not lover i wouldn't spoil it and lover has already been used as a wordle. it was for the themes.

“Did you know? About Buck, I mean? Did you suspect at all?”

Hen looks up at him and puts her phone down, he gets a wordle spoiler when he looks at her screen. Lover. Got it. 

“Him being queer?”

“I think he identifies as bisexual.”

“Okay,” Hen says, and Eddie watches her face flit through a complicated series of emotions before landing on something fond and knowing that makes heat crawl up his spine. “You wanna sit down?”

“This doesn’t feel like a sit down conversation, it’s not a big deal, I’m just asking if you knew—”

“Eddie,” she cuts him off. Her smile is kind and gentle and Eddie gets the quick building feeling he should’ve stayed in the bunk room. “Sit down.”

He sits. 

Hen pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose and tilts her head a little as she smiles at him. The head tilt reminds him of Buck because he finds little pieces of Buck everywhere. He’s in the song on the radio in Eddie’s truck on the way to work and he’s in Christopher’s English homework because the stories Buck used to tell him when he was little enough to ask for them influenced his creative writing. He’s in Eddie’s kitchen even when he isn’t because Buck got him a set of rainbow silicon spatulas because they were a buy one get one free deal. 

A copy of Buck’s loft keys on Eddie’s keychain, his name in the calendar that he wrote himself take out w/ buck ! no skipping in his messy, nearly illegible scrawl. 

But Eddie can read it because he doesn’t think there’s a universe out there where he doesn’t understand Buck down to the chicken scratch. 

“I didn’t know, not for sure. It wasn’t ever something I thought about at length, either. I’ve mentioned it to Karen once or twice and there have been times where she’d shoot me a smirk from across Bobby and Athena’s backyard at something Buck said, but it’s not something I’ve ever discussed. That doesn’t feel right.” 

“But you knew?” 

“I wasn’t surprised.”

He fidgets with a rubber band someone left on the table. He wants to ask more. Needs to know what made her realize it in Buck. If she sees the same in him. 

Eddie’s never really thought about it. Or, that’s not quite true. He knows, in a way. That something’s never been quite right. That he’s never felt for women what he’s been told he’s supposed to feel. 

Dating isn’t supposed to feel like a performance, he doesn’t think. Nobody else seems to think it is. 

He likes the sex for the most part. Figured that was enough to carry it. Sex feels good but then again he’s pretty sure sex always feels good when both people want it. It’s not like it’s some sort of burden to eat his girlfriends out but there’s something missing. He likes making them feel good but he doesn’t like how high pitched their moans are of the soft sighs that spill out of their mouths. There are soft tits where hard chests should be and it doesn’t. 

It doesn’t feel right. The sex is good, it's fine, he'll take it, but—

Love shouldn’t be just about sex. Eddie doesn’t want it to be. 

“Did you ever assume something about—” he cuts himself off but Hen sees right through him anyway. Maybe lesbians have some sort of psychic third eye that lets them see beyond the performative exterior he puts on. He tries not to squirm as she looks at him. 

“About you?” she asks, and the world doesn’t stop spinning or start spinning backwards or tilt on its axis. Eddie thinks it should. It’s the least the earth could do, honestly. 

He swallows. 

“Yeah.”

Hen hums and Eddie can tell she’s trying to gather her thoughts and form them into sentences that won’t send him running for the hills. Being—this doesn’t feel like something to run from, though. Not so much anymore. Maybe a few years ago, maybe when he first got to LA and his parents' words and their bitterness were still stuck to his skin. When he still felt like he wasn’t good enough. Not for his son, not for Shannon, not for himself. 

He feels good enough now. And he thinks he’d like to fall for someone the way Buck seems to be falling for Tommy. Except he’s really fucking scared the person he’s falling for is—

Well. 

Buck. 

It shouldn’t come as a surprise, and it doesn’t, not really, it’s the kind of thought that sits quietly in the back of your mind and waits for you to uncover it. 

Buck came out and it uncovered itself. 

Buck is bi. Buck dates men. 

Buck could date him. And he isn’t.

That’s the crux of it all. Eddie was drunk and Buck’s arm was around his shoulder and he felt lightheaded, couldn't stop smiling so hard his cheeks hurt the next day. Bubblier than the champagne. Floaty. It wasn’t even a new feeling, not with Buck. 

He makes him so fucking happy. 

Even through hell, Buck makes him happy. That’s love, probably. Definitely. Eddie tries not to think about it too hard otherwise he might have to go see Dr. Salazar again, and he really doesn’t feel like explaining this to the woman who diagnosed him with repression. 

Getting an I told you so from his sisters would be one thing. 

“Do you want me to be honest?”

“Yes,” he says, far too quick and clipped and awkward. He smiles tightly. 

“Yeah. I thought you were, actually. When you got to the station, you wouldn’t talk about Christopher’s other parent. Even in the beginning, you barely talking about him. I figured an army guy from Texas probably wasn’t used to being out. And then you weren’t gay, so I assumed you were just being a scorpio and not letting anyone in. But you let Buck in.”

“Yeah.”

“I didn’t—there’s no bet about it. About the two of you. I don't think anyone would be surprised, but no one talks about it. That’s not the kind of thing you gossip about. But, yeah. People were surprised when the mysterious partner you wouldn’t talk about was your wife, and not a husband.”

“Do you think I’m in love with Buck?”

“That’s not my place to tell you.”

“Hen. You’re my friend, and the only other queer person I know and trust enough to ask this to. I can’t exactly go ask him that question, and I don’t know who else to talk to. Do you think I’m in love with Buck?”

“Yes.”

Eddie’s exhale is shaky. 

“Yeah. Me, too.” 

[scribblesofagoonerr]

found family | buddy & monkey: double the trouble

pairings: leah williamson x reader!monkey x jordan nobbs

summary: how it came to be.

You never really understand the importance of family, after all you grew up with an alcoholic and drug addict of a father who made it very well known he didn’t care about you from the very day you were born but meeting Leah and Jordan changed everything for you– They became your found family.

You had been a part of the Arsenal Girls’ center of excellence since you were about nine or ten, however, if you asked Leah then she would tell you that she’s practically watched you grow up right in front of her.

It was somewhat true at least.

You guess that you can say she has always been watching out for you, even when you weren't  aware of it.

The only family member that actually gave a damn about you was your grandma– your dads’s mum. That lady adored you, fussed over you and made sure that you never went without so when she died when you were 15-years-old, you were completely heartbroken.

Everything started to fall apart.

You were left with an ass hole of a father who was nothing but neglectful, he couldn’t have cared less about you and it wasn’t just his words that he lashed out with, but his fists too.

It wasn’t long after that when people started to realise that everything wasn’t as perfect as it seemed behind closed doors, your dad had always been clever at hiding the truth but even the best kept secrets have a way of coming to light eventually.

Leah was the first person to start piecing things together.

During the time of being eased into the first team, ever the observant one, Leah would notice the way that nobody ever came to pick you up after training on the days that you were there.

“Calm down, I’m sure there’s a reasonable excuse for them not being there,” Jordan would try to reason with her worried girlfriend, “Perhaps her parents are just at work.”

Her concern only got worse though when you would arrive late in the mornings, stumbling in with a messy kit and barely holding it together, along with seeing the way you would scarf down any snacks left at the club, like you hadn’t eaten a proper meal in god knows how long.

Of course you think you’re doing an amazing job of hiding it– Keeping your head down, making jokes and pretending like everything is totally fine.

Even when it’s not, and the blonde woman is able to see right through it.

“Where the hell are this kid’s parents?” Leah couldn’t help but think to herself after watching you slip out the door alone.

You’re oblivious to realise how Leah would frown every time she sees that you’re alone or how she would shake her head when she watches you drag your feet in the morning.

Of course she can see through you acting like a menace.

“I’m telling you Jord, there’s something seriously going on,” Leah brought up the conversation with her girlfriend again as they left training for the day, her own maternal instinct kicking in

“I’m sure it’s fine,” Jordan attempts to reassure her girlfriend as they make their way over to the car, “The kid is old enough to be able to make her own home anyways,” She added.

“I feel like there’s something more going on,” Leah murmured, her hand resting on her slightly swollen belly, “You can’t deny that you don’t feel like there’s something suspicious going on?” She asked the older woman.

“I don’t know, Le,” Jordan admitted, shrugging her shoulders, “Do you think you’re maybe just overthinking things because you care about this kid?” She wondered.

“No… I don’t know, it just seems like there’s something else going on,” Leah replied, biting her bottom lip as she tossed her bag into the boot of the car before climbing in the car, “I know you might think I’m overthinking this, but I have a gut instinct about this.”

There was definitely something wrong.

Leah couldn’t shake the feeling about something being off, every day she watched you, the nagging sense that things weren’t quite right only grew stronger.

The blonde’s worry only continued, especially on one particular miserable day where the rain was pouring down and it was the kid of relentless downpour that would soak you to the bone within seconds, she was driving back home from a quick check up with the physio when she spotted you trudging down the road, you were completely drenched through and shivering in the thin jacket that you wore, your kit bag slung over your shoulder as you tried to shield yourself from the rain with the attempt of a flimsy hood.

“What the hell,” Leah’s jaw dropped and her eyes widened in disbelief, she couldn’t believe the sight that she was seeing at that moment– You were there, walking alone in the freezing rain, not a single adult in sight.

Without even thinking twice, the blonde slowed the car down and pulled up beside you, “Hey, kid!” She rolled down her window and called to get your attention, “Do you want a ride? It’s absolutely hammering it down out here.”

“No, no, it’s alright,” You're quick to disagree, shaking your head as your teeth chatter from the freezing weather, “It’s not much further to talk, I’m good.”

“Kid, come on. Let me just give you a ride,” Leah was relentless to give you a ride as she leaned over to open the passenger door, “You’re bound to get sick otherwise.”

You're hesitant to agree to the blonde’s offer, you didn’t want to give anything away but you couldn’t deny the warmth and safety of her car would be better than being out in this miserable weather.

“Okay,” You gave in and opened the car door, sliding in as your teeth still continued to chatter from the freezing temps, “Thank you.” You mumbled, trying to not meet her gaze as you stared down at your sodden trainers.

“It’s okay kid, anytime,” Leah said softly, cranking up the heat in the car to help you warm up, asking you for the address which you gave her and she started to drive again, “So, is there any particular reason you’re out walking alone in this weather?” She asked, trying to tread carefully and not spook you when asking questions.

“Oh, uh, my dad is working late so he couldn’t pick me up,” You were quick to make up the excuse, knowing full well that if you had asked your father for a lift home then he would have most likely laughed in your face.

Leah clicked her tongue in disagreement, “What about your mum?” She wondered.

That question was one you would love to know yourself as well, the said women abandoned you at the tender age of 2 and didn’t think twice about it.

“She’s dead,” You didn’t think twice about telling her, because to you she might as well be.

Leah glanced sideways at you with her brows furrowing slightly at the casual way you spoke about your mother, sensing there was more to the story but she didn’t want to press for answers.

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear that kid,” Leah replied softly, her voice filled with genuine sympathy that made your chest tighten.

It wasn’t something you were used to hearing, especially not from someone who actually meant it.

“It’s fine, it was a long time ago,” You shrugged your shoulders and brushed it off as you focused on the rain pattering against the windshield, with a hope that the blonde would just drop it.

“Listen kid, if you ever need a ride to training or you know, just someone to talk to…” The blonde began to talk, glancing over to try and see your reaction, “All you have to do is ask, alright? I don’t mind you giving you my number.” She added.

“Thanks,” You murmured in a low tone of voice, although you weren’t quite sure if you would ever take up on that offer as trust wasn’t something that came easily to you, you had your walls built up so high around you.

It was the only way to protect yourself.

The next week at training, you’re late again. This time though, you’re not just dragging your feet but also feeling pale, shaky and you’re barely able to even stand up properly.

Before you know it, your vision blurs and you can feel yourself stumbling but before you can drop to the floor, Leah’s there in an instant to catch you before you hit the ground.

“Whoa,” Leah held you steady in her arms as she guided you towards the bench in the changing room, “It’s alright, come and take a seat.” She told you, gently.

“M’ fine,” You murmured as you felt yourself being pushed down onto the hard bench.

The blonde wasn’t entirely convinced, “No you’re not, you can barely stand up,” She paused as she routed through her bag and pulled a protein bar out for you to eat, “Here, eat this. Please.”

You don’t hesitate to tear into it, the gnawing hunger finally easing up a little bit.

“When was the last time you had a proper meal?” Leah questioned, softly.

You hesitated the answer, your mind scrambling to remember the last time you sat down to eat something that wasn’t a hastily grabbed snack, “Uh,” You stammered, the pause in your response telling Leah everything she needed to know.

The blonde sighed softly, crouching down to meet your eyes, “Hey, why don’t you come around for dinner tonight?” She suggested, her voice warm and inviting, “I know you like pizza, right? We could order that, watch a movie and just chill.”

“I… I don’t know, my dad’s working and all,” You find it difficult to agree as you look down at your fingers and fidget with the edge of your sleeve, “If I’m not back by a certain time then my dad will worry about where I am.”

“I get it, but if you’re dad’s working then surely he won’t mind you being around teammates?” Leah gave you a sympathetic smile, taking to mask the concern that flickered across her face, “How about you come for just an hour or so? Have some pizza with us and then I’ll drive you home right after if you want.”

“Okay, alright. Just an hour though,” You agree begrudgingly with the blonde, knowing she wouldn’t let it go.

“Deal,” Leah grinned, relief washing over her face with the promise of a warm meal and some company, even just for an hour, it felt like a small victory in a battle she was determined to win.

“Jord? We have a guest for dinner!” Leah called out, her voice warm as she gently rested her hands on your shoulders as she guided you through the front door of their home.

The older woman had made it home before her girlfriend, already being given the heads up ahead of you coming to their home for dinner so the pizza was on its way. 

You were weary enough to be here, anxious in case your dad did find out where you were.

Of course he wasn’t at work, more like down the pub instead, so maybe he wouldn’t care if you were home or not after all.

“Hey kid,” Jordan appeared from around the corner, a dish towel slung over her shoulder as she smiled warmly at you, “I heard you like pizza, huh?”

“I do,” You quietly replied in agreement, fumbling at the loose string of your club branded jumper before Leah gestured you to follow her into the living room.

“I ordered cheese pizza because of Miss picky over here,” Jordan joked, pointing her index finger in the direction of her girlfriend, “Are you okay with that?” She checked.

“It’s okay, I like cheese,” You told the women as you settled on the sofa, you couldn’t help but notice various baby items scattered throughout the living room and you suddenly felt a bit curious to ask questions, “Are you going to have a baby soon?” The words coming out of your mouth before you could stop them.

“We are,” Leah said, her smile gentle as she rested her hands on her growing bump, “Only another few months to go till we get to meet our little bubba.”

Jordan joined Leah on the sofa, her arm draped casually over the back of Leah’s seat as she shot you a friendly smile, “We’re really excited to meet them, but can I let you in on a little secret?” She asked, leaning in as if to share a secret only meant for two of you to hear.

You couldn’t help but nod, intrigued to know what it was, “What is it?”

“I’m actually pretty nervous as well,” Jordan confessed, glancing at Leah with a faint small smile, “There’s still so much to do before they arrive, so it’s still kind of overwhelming, you know?” She admitted.

You nodded, somewhat understanding the weight of feeling overwhelmed more than they both knew, “I do,” You agreed quietly, picking at the loose string of your jumper.

Despite the initial hesitation being there, the warmth of the home and the kindness of the two voices began to chip away at the walls you had put up.

The pizza arrived, small chatter was engaged and sure enough, Leah stuck to her word and an hour later, she drove you back to the empty, stark home where you lived.

You felt something that you hadn’t felt in a very long time around these two women, you felt safe.

The all too familiar gut feeling returned that Leah couldn’t shake as she pulled off from the being parked up outside your house and drove back to her own home.

“There’s something going on, more than what we know,” Leah brought up the conversation with Jordan that night as they got into bed, her voice tight with worry, “I’m really worried about the kid. Tell me you’re not worried about her as well?”

Of course I am,” Jordan pulled back the duvet and settled in beside her,  “You’re not imagining things, there’s definitely something more going on behind closed doors than we know about.”

Leah turned to face Jordan, her brows furrowed with frustration and helplessness, “Then what do we do? We can’t just ignore it,” She said, her voice wavering, “We know there’s something wrong, and we can’t just sit here and do nothing. If anything was to happen to her, then I… I will never forgive myself!”

“Le, I know you’re worried about her as am I,” Leah sighed softly, wrapping her arms around the blonde and resting a hand on her bump, her thumb tracing soothing circles, “I get it, babe, I do and I am just as concerned about her as you are, but we can’t do anything about proof. All we can do for now is be there for the kid, make sure she’s okay and that nothing serious happens.” She added.

“I… I know,” Leah nodded, but her mind was still restless with thought, staring at the ceiling with the weight of the unspoken promise heavy on her shoulders, “I’ll do whatever I can to protect that kid.” She vowed, ready to act when the time came.

Over the next several weeks, Leah and Jordan made more of a conscious effort to keep an eye on you during the time you were at training– Making sure to always include you in conversations and ask how you are doing, Leah would often slip you a protein bar when she noticed you hadn’t eaten and Jordan would offer you a ride home, whether you tried to refuse it or not.

You had definitely wormed your way into their heart and neither of them had a problem admitting that.

Then, one day there was something more serious that happened and both women were alerted of the situation immediately.

At first Leah and Jordan just thought you were running late for training again, the fact that you missed their previous texts and calls was a cause for concern in itself, but nothing new when you had a habit of not always checking your phone. Still, there was an uneasy feeling that neither of them could shake and when you finally stumbled in the state that you did, bruised and limping, it became clear that something far worse had happened.

“Now do you believe me there is something going on?” Leah said urgently, her eyes locking onto Jordan’s with a mix of fear and frustration, gesturing towards you while she noted the bruise on your cheek and the way you favoured one leg, “I knew it, I knew there was something wrong!”

The concern and protectiveness that the blonde felt for you was something else.

“I do… I do believe you,” Jordan’s face fell as she took in the sight of you, swallowing the lump that formed in her throat, “But what do we do now?”

“The kid needs help,” Leah said determined, her mind already made up, “I know you think I’m crazy, and maybe I am for suggesting this, but I want her to move in with us.”

Jordan was a bit more hesitant to agree to the idea, “I… I don’t know, Le. We’ve already got our hands full with the little one on the way,” She pointed out gently, trying to remind her girlfriend of their current situation, “Do you really think it’s a good idea? A newborn baby and a teenager– It’s a lot to take on.”

“I don’t care, we can manage it– We can handle it!” Leah was still more determined than ever with this decision, “I…I know it’s a lot, but I can’t just sit back and do nothing about it, can I? She needs us, Jord and if we don’t help her, then who will?”

Jordan exhaled a deep sigh, running her hand through her hair as she weighed out the gravity of Leah’s plea, she knew her girlfriend’s heart was in right place, but the practicality of the situation loomed large, “Okay,” She finally gave in reluctantly as there was no point in trying to argue about it when her stubborn girlfriend already had made her mind up about this. After all it would be a bad idea to disagree with a pregnant lady after all, “Alright, fine, if this is what you really want to do then I’m on board.”

“I do, I really do want this,” Leah’s expression softened, a mix of relief and gratitude washing over her as she reached out to squeeze Jordan’s hand, “Thank you, I just… I can’t turn my back on her, not now. She needs a safe place, a real home.”

“I know, babe,” Jordan said, her grip on Leah’s hand tightening, “I know and we’ll make it work, whatever it takes– we’ll figure it out together as a team.”

Leah nodded and gave her girlfriend a genuine smile, “As a team,” She repeated, squeezing her hand in reassurance, “Just get ready for the chaos.” She joked.

“Oh with a newborn baby and a teenager under one roof? I couldn’t think of anything more chaotic,” Jordan replied playfully, pulling her girlfriend in closer, “But it could also be kind of fun as well, right?”

“You and I have different versions of having fun,” Leah teased, a glimmer of amusement dancing in her eyes, “But, yeah, it might just be the best sort of cray we’ve ever signed up for.”

It was surprisingly a lot easier to get your father to agree to it, he was more than willing to wash his hands off you, he was so disinterested about you swear you actually saw him smile for the first time. An actual genuine smile on his face, which just made you more sad about the fact that your dad really could care less about you.

Maybe it was the fact that he never got the son he so badly wanted?

“Have her,” The man sneered, “I’ve washed my hands off her, she’s your problem now.”

His parting words stung a lot and while Leah’s hands clenched in anger, bug Jordan’s arm around her kept her grounded.

The blonde’s eyes were blazing with anger, “You are unbelievable,” She spat out, her tone sharp and unfiltered, “You’ve got a kid right in front of you, a kid who’s done nothing but try to survive in spite of you, and all you can do is shrug her off like she’s nothing? You don’t even have the decency to pretend to care.”

Jordan just held Leah tighter, her silent support a calm anchor in the storm of emotions, “Let’s go, Le,” She urged softly, though her own gaze was cold and unforgiving as it lingered on your father.

The blonde’s anger didn’t fade, if anything, it deepened as she looked at the man who’d treated you as a burden instead of his own flesh and blood, “She’s not some problem to be handed off, and she’s not a mistake you can just ignore. She’s a kid, your kid and the way you’ve treated her is disgusting.”

Your father scoffed, as if he was barely affected by Leah’s words, “She’s your problem now,” He repeated in a gruff voice, “I want nothing to do with the brat.”

Leah’s jaw tightened, the venom in his words made her stomach churn in disgust. Opening her mouth to say more, Jordan gently tugged at her arm with a silent reminder that nothing else could be said would change the man in front of them.

Turning away from your father, Leah relented as her expression softened when she looked at you, but the fire in her eyes never dimmed, “Let’s just go.”

“Come on little one,” Jordan protectively guided you out of the house with her arm wrapped around you, the two women helped you gather the small amount of belongings that you had and you left the house, “Let’s get you out of here.”

You should have felt instant relief leaving that house, but instead you just felt incredibly sad that the father you grew up with, regardless of how much of a neglectful bastard he was, he was and always still would be your dad.

A part of you foolishly hoped that one day he’d see you, really see you, and want you around.

That never did happen though.

“I know this isn’t easy for you kid,” Leah noticed the flicker of sadness in your eyes and squeezed your shoulder reassuringly, “But you’re not alone now, okay? We’re here and we’re not going anywhere. You’re safe.”

Jordan nodded in agreement, giving you a small encouraging smile, “Le’s right, we’ve got you little one,” She told you gently, “Whatever you need, whenever you need us, we’re here.”

And from there on, you were about to gain the family that you’d always deserved– A real home, with two people who cared a hell of a lot about you to fight for you, even when the world seemed to have given up.

© scribblesofagoonerr

[lost-in-fandoms]

i was having a nap and started thinking about omega max courting daniel because of this post. this is basically a copy&paste of me going off in the discord server but since i didn't get enough attention to feed me i am looking for it elsewhere. this also means that it is very much not coherent or polished.

maybe courting is just as much instinctive as it is a society custom and max is an omega but was never raised as one and he doesn't really care about secondary gender things anyway so he is pretty much in the dark when it comes to all these omega things.

and at some point he finds himself wanting to do things like one night he can't sleep because his brain wants him to cook and homecooked meal so so bad or his nest doesn't feel quite right no matter what he does. and at first when he complains about it maybe to his trainer or someone they think it's stress? like he's in such a competitive environment, surrounded by alphas all the time, maybe it's his omega side struggling to settle.

but what if instead it's the fact that he is in love with daniel and he wants daniel to be his alpha but he doesn't understand so he has all these courting instincts and doesn't know how to redirect them correctly?

his nests don't feel right because there's nothing that smells like his alpha and his homecooked meal doesn't taste right not only because he's a bad cook but also because it's not meant for him it's supposed to be for daniel but max doesn't know and nobody thinks about it because he's max verstappen why would he be fruitlessly trying to court someone? and maybe people don't realise just how little max knows about how omegas work so they assume that if he was courting someone he'd know and he'd be doing it voluntarily.

and maybe when he instinctively does courting things like offering daniel food or clothes daniel refuses? because he knows it could be seen as a courting behavior and he knows max doesn't mean it that way and doesn't want to put him in an awkward position

and max can't explain why it feels so bad when daniel says no

and maybe daniel knows what max is doing but doesn't think he's doing it voluntarily? he thinks max doesn't know what is happening (which is true) but also thinks that max wouldn't want it if he knew (which isn't) and these are just max's instincts acting up.

and maybe it comes the moment when daniel wants to leave red bull and he thinks that everything would settle if daniel removed himself from the situation. he doesn't want to fuck max up only because his instincts are going a bit haywire (of course he never tells max that because these boys don't ever talk).

so he leaves redbull and max feels like he's been abandoned.

even if daniel is doing what he thinks is best and also maybe is still in denial and tells himself he doesn't want max to court him because he doesn't like max that way so he's trying to do what he thinks is best both for max and for himself, max is still heartbroken.

and then maybe max's omega instincts shut down completely because his alpha rejected him. he's not having the courting instincts anymore but he's not having anything else either, heats included. in some way it works for him because they're just a distraction to racing and he refuses to allow this whole thing to make him feel sad.

and then on the other hand daniel's alpha instincts are going crazy because he doesn't have his omega anymore.

daniel convinces himself it's just regret because he was hoping things would be different in renault and it's hard to change teams after so many years, but he's having unpredictable ruts and feels like he's missing something all the time and sometimes he finds himself walking towards the red bull garage without thinking and then he catches max's scent and he feels inexplicably better.

and then they grow more distant. max is busy winning and ignoring the fact that his omega side has completely shut down and daniel is busy with renault first and mclaren later and having his alpha side going crazy and making him feel like shit. they have their moments but they both ignore the fact that they feel better when they get to spend some time together.

and during this whole time max has not been having heats. until one day he does. and in the past he used to deal with his heats on his own or maybe would call one friend or another to help but this time all he can think about his daniel daniel daniel.

his toys and fingers aren't enough and the thought of calling someone else makes him feel sick so when he's so deep into it he can't help himself anymore he calls daniel, sobbing down the phone to please come and help. he feels like he's dying.

and daniel goes because of course he wants to help max, max is his friend, but also as soon as his omega max asked for it his alpha side wouldn't have let him refuse. so he helps max through his heat and it's a lot for both of them and it's confusing because it feels like a lot more than just helping a friend through their heat. it feels like they're mates.

so when daniel obviously freaks and leaves as soon as possible they both feel like shit and that's when something clicks for max. and he researches and asks around he understands why he's been feeling that way and all his behaviors back in the day and he tries to talk to daniel but daniel is in his depression mclaren era and doesn't want to acknowledge this because he doesn't deserve it already has enough on his plate.

but max is going to be a two times world champion and when he sets his head to something he doesn't back off so he starts trying to court him for real and slowly daniel starts accepting it because he needs the comfort and he needs the love and he needs to feel good about something when everything else is going to shit.

and max goes so so slow because he doesn't want to scare daniel away but his omega side is so happy every time he gets to do something for daniel, even if it's just getting him to nap for 15 minutes in his driver room with daniel's head in his lap.

and then daniel leaves mclaren and wants to come back to red bull and max says yes of course you should but if you come back will you let me court you for real? because if you don't then it will be of course be very painful for us both to be around each other that much

and daniel is hit with the realisation that max really wants him and wants to be for him even if he's a failure and won't even have a proper seat. so he says yes okay and actually starts to court max back and that zandvoort stroopwaffle moment was just a public declaration of what had been going on behind closed doors for months.

[thats-a-mood-gabriella]

Okay. I kinda want to walk through what I think is happening in each of their heads during the conversation. For my own sake, mainly, but who knows, maybe someone else will find it useful. Spoilers ahead, obviously. (Also fair warning that this is long and I expect nobody to actually read it; this is mostly for me.)

So let's establish first where they are when Blitz arrives.

Blitz hates himself. He's on the path to healing after making up with Fizz, but it is a very long road ahead. So if you can imagine it as a spectrum where "hates self" and "loves self" are on opposite ends, maybe he's not all the way at the hates self end anymore, but he's still pretty darn far over that way. So Blitz is arriving thinking he's unlovable, that he makes everyone's lives worse, and that Stolas is possibly getting bored of him. We also know from his half of the duet that he genuinely looks forward to these full moon nights and likes their arrangement. Makes sense. It provides him with the comfort of what he thinks is the closest he can get to an actual relationship where all he has to give is something he knows that he can and that he's good at (sex). He wants to keep the arrangement going. Yes, for a way to earth, but also for Stolas. This, in Blitz's mind, is the only way he gets to keep him.

Stolas is likely unmedicated for his depression, since this show doesn't show us things like him being out of his pills as just a throwaway joke; it's important. Anyone who has ever had depression knows that it just loves to remind you of the worst things about yourself, most of which aren't even true. It tells you that you're worthless and unlovable. We can see this in the way he's covered everyone but Octavia in the artworks in his home, mirroring Blitz scribbling himself out of photos. He's been in a dark place. But Stolas is also being so brave, ready to ask Blitz to love him anyway. To choose him of his own free will, the way it should've always been. His depression is making it hard, but he's going out on the limb anyway and hoping Blitz will catch him.

"I need it back...permanently."

Blitz starts panicking. He reacts like a puppy that's been told it's a bad dog. He starts promising that he can be good, he can do better. He can fuck Stolas like nobody else can.

Stolas rebuffs the advance and this is interesting to me-- Blitz slips into his dom persona a little, trying to regain control of the situation. He calls Stolas "bitch" and pushes his legs apart, lowers his voice to be seductive. And it alllllllmost works, just for a second, as Stolas blushes and starts to fall under the spell of it all. But then he gets himself back under control and reasserts this new boundary.

Blitz immediately drops the act and starts to beg with genuine distress, tears in his eyes even, and up until this point, I won't argue with you if you try to tell me that it's all about the grimoire. I disagree, but I'll let you get away with telling yourself that. Right up until this point.

Because this is when Stolas holds out the crystal and everything changes.

Their fucking leitmotif or whatever you call it, I don't know music terms, it starts playing, changing from the dramatic, ominous music before. Blitz starts inspecting the crystal like he doesn't believe it's real.

Let's be clear: he knows what an Asmodean crystal is and what it does. He's seen them before at least twice, both in 2x05. So it's not that he's in disbelief or confusion about what it does or that it exists. It's that Stolas is giving it to him that's taking him aback.

"You no longer need my grimoire." "Whaaaat?"

Because all Blitz is hearing is "you don't need me now. I can be rid of you without guilt."

"I don't understand. Why are you giving me this? Am I not fucking you good enough? Because I can always do better."

Let's take a second to pretend we're in a world where Blitz has zero feelings for Stolas. That this has always just been about getting to earth. In that world, Blitz never says this line. In that world, Blitz splits right here. He has the crystal in his hands. He knows what it does. He is officially 100% free at this point.

But we don't live in that universe and this line proves it. Blitz thinks he's being cast aside and instead of seeing it as his chance at freedom from Stolas, he's begging to be kept.

I can do better. Don't throw me away.

"I care...very deeply for you. And I have for some time."

This is the face Blitz makes after that. The entire time Stolas is talking, he keeps looking between Stolas and the crystal while making this face, like he literally can't process what is happening. Of all the things he expected to happen tonight, this wasn't even on the list. And remember: Blitz hates himself. Blitz genuinely believes he is unlovable.

Have you ever experienced something so surreal that it's almost like you left your body during it? Like your brain literally couldn't process that this was happening to you, so it's almost like you dissociate to the point that you feel like you're watching it happen to someone else? Because things like this don't happen! Not to you. These are things you see on TV or hear happening to other people. But to YOU? There's no way it's real.

"You don't have to stay here with me."

He looks ALARMED. Scared. The thought that he's about to lose Stolas genuinely startles him. He doesn't want what he thinks is happening. He doesn't want to be cast aside. If his choice is this or the chains, he'd rather the chains.

But. That's not the choice he's being presented. Because Stolas adds,

"But I want you to."

And Blitz's brain, his traumatized, mentally ill brain...just can not process that. No one wants to keep him. He's a commodity to be bought and sold and has been since his father sold him to Paimon as a child (which, by the way, I'm fairly convinced he thinks was Stolas's idea, not Paimon's). Maybe even before.

So his defense mechanisms kick in from this point on. Default to what's comfortable. It must be a sex thing! There's no way Stolas means this, so it's gotta be some weird roleplay. Well, he can do that! He can swoon and say he loves him (and if that hits a little too close to the truth, then fuck you, no it doesn't) and it's fine because this is fake. This can't be real, because things like this don't happen to someone as "worthless" as Blitz believes himself to be.

Blitz is trying to protect his own heart here, but what Stolas is hearing is rejection. Blitz playing it off as a joke must mean that Stolas is a joke for ever thinking Blitz could love him back. And why would he? Stolas doesn't see himself as lovable, either. One of his earliest memories is of Blitz "using" him to steal from the palace, never knowing that Blitz was only doing so on his father's orders, just as Blitz probably doesn't know that he was bought on Paimon's order, not Stolas's. He's a commodity, too.

Stolas's depression immediately puts him in a place where he can't see past his own pain and self-loathing. Blitz not immediately jumping into his arms must mean that all the worst things he thinks about himself are true. Blitz sees him as the monster he fears he is.

So he pulls himself together and starts to walk. And again, Blitz could leave here if he didn't care.

But the strangest thing happens. Blitz realizes that Stolas meant it. He even asks,

"Wait, you were being serious? Hold on, Stolas. What the fuck?"

He's trying to talk it out. He's trying to have the conversation. He's hurt and confused and in disbelief but he's not running from this. He's not letting Stolas walk away from him because he wants Stolas, and he's actively trying to keep him. They have to talk this through, and Blitz of all people is the one trying to pull Stolas back into the conversation.

"The fact that you couldn't believe that I could have these feelings about you, the fact that your first instinct is that it's always about sex, that's enough to know what this is."

See, what we have to remember is that Stolas doesn't have all the information we do. He hasn't seen the crossed out pictures, he didn't witness the flashback to the fire that killed Blitz's mom. Stolas hasn't watched Blitz cry himself to sleep or drink himself into a stupor after what he perceived as a public rejection at Ozzie's. Neither of them have all the information about each other that we, the audience do.

So when Stolas, who doesn't know that Blitz hates himself and thinks himself unlovable, hears that Blitz thinks there's no way that Stolas could love him, what Stolas hears is "you, Stolas, are an unlovable monster in my eyes."

It just confirms all the worst things Stolas thinks about himself. It's a literal, "it's not you, it's me," situation, but Stolas can't see that because he doesn't have all the information.

And here's what's even more interesting. Blitz doesn't think it's over like Stolas does. He's not rejecting Stolas.

"Fuck you, Stolas. You spring this feelings bullshit on me, are you fucking kidding? Can I get a fucking minute to think after everything you put me through, you pompous, rich, asshole?"

This is Blitz saying that this is all very unexpected for him, but he's not saying no. He's saying "give me a minute, let me think. Don't take my first reaction in the way that you are. I was surprised. I was in disbelief. Give me a fucking minute to PROCESS."

But by this point, it's too late. Stolas's self-loathing has taken the driver's seat in his brain and all he can hear is that Blitz hates him, that he is unlovable, that he's a monster, that he's all the things he feared were true, and the person telling him that is the person he cared (second) most for in the entire world.

Blitz's defense mechanism is fight. Stolas's is flight. And so when Blitz unloads on him like that, Blitz is trying, in his own messed up way, to have the conversation. To work this out. To be honest for once and see if they can get somewhere now that the dam has been broken. While Stolas...his instinct is to flee. And since he's the one with the magic portals, guess what happens?

"I didn't realize you think so low of me."

You can tell by Blitz's reaction that he realizes they're not having the conversation he thinks they are. He realizes in that instant that Stolas isn't going to yell back with him. They're not going to scream at each other until they get it all out of their systems and reach a catharsis. He's hurt Stolas, maybe in a way that they can't come back from, and he immediately shifts his demeanor.

"Stolas, wait. I'm so--"

And then it's over. He's been kicked out of the palace. Thrown aside, just like he feared he would be.

And each of them are left feeling like the other thinks they're a monster, because neither of them realize that the only person who thinks they're a monster is themself.

I gotta go lie down, jfc.

[adaines-furious-feast]

Not afraid. Not a monster

Inspired by this picture by @bitemarx

Riz sighed as he sat down. He was just so... tired. He hadn’t felt this tired since he was a small child and his entire head ached with it.  

Beside him, Baron sat, swinging their legs. Their knee hinges creeked with each movement. When Riz looked over, Baron was looking at him, their cracked face perfectly still, their mouth forever frozen in a small smile. 

“Why are you still here?” Riz asked wearily. 

“You created me, your Romance Partner, because you were afraid,” Baron said, as if he were describing the weather. “Are you still afraid, Riz Gukgak?” 

Baron cocked his head a little as he asked the question, then froze, waiting for a response. 

Riz turned away. “No,” he said. But he knew that wasn’t true. If it were true, Baron wouldn’t be here. 

He didn’t even understand what he was afraid of. So he wasn’t in a relationship. At that point in time, only one of his friends were even in a relationship. And he wasn’t even sure if Fig counted because Ayda wasn’t exactly “at that point in time”. Nobody was getting their kisses in, and nobody else seemed to be so scared of hiding that fact. 

Riz knew he wasn’t afraid of that. Because he’d told his friends that Baron wasn’t real. He told them that at the start of their Spring Break. Baron had been real to them for all of five seconds. His friends all knew he wasn’t in a relationship, and he wasn’t afraid of that, or even ashamed of that. 

Who wanted to be in a relationship anyway? He didn’t have time for that. Who wanted the heart break? He’d seen how Kristen spiralled after the break up with Tracker, somehow becoming even more unstable. He’d seen how upset Gorgug was, even though he tried to hide it. Even Fig, still in a relationship, was upset that she couldn’t see Ayda.  

Riz looked over at Baron again. Their head was now twisted upside down, and Riz realised he hadn’t stopped cocking his head after all. He didn’t jump, just looked at his Romance Partner and looked away again. It wasn’t scary, it was just Baron being Baron. 

Baron wasn’t scary. Not really. So he could climb up walls and twist his head about. It wasn’t any more creepy than a giant spider, and Oisin and his friends had been stomping on them for years. Yeah, the doll face was a little unnerving but with everything Riz had been through for the past two years, it was nothing special. Baby probably creeped him out more. 

“It is not my appearance that you are afraid of, Riz Gukgak,” Baron said, reading his thoughts.  

“No, I’m not afraid of you,” Riz said, quietly. 

“You are afraid of me, but not of my appearance,” Baron said. “Why do you think that is?” 

He needed to go to bed. He had aviation club in four hours and he needed to sleep before then, or his mom was going to be so frustrated. Riz knew she was almost as overworked as he was, and he didn’t want to give her another thing to worry about. 

Riz began to change into something more comfortable so he could sleep, but his thoughts continued to wander. 

He didn’t have time for a relationship right now, but he would have one eventually. He didn’t know if it would be with a guy or a girl or something else. He was open to anything, he just hadn’t seen anybody he liked yet. But he’d find a partner, and they’d have a couple of kids, once he’d gotten a job and everything, of course. Whoever he married, it would be someone badass. Like he’d told his mom, they were a family of goblin badasses. And then he’d have a cool kid to pass on his spy knowledge to. Not right now, but someday. In the future. 

“It is very rude to plan your future with someone else when your Romance Partner is sitting right here,” Baron said, swinging their legs again. 

“I didn’t even say who my partner would be,” Riz said with a small smile. “You don’t think you’re a badass?” 

“You do not like me,” Baron said. “Your Romance Partner deserves better treatment than to hear you say that.” 

Riz didn’t respond. He climbed into bed and lay down, closing his eyes but sleep wouldn’t come.  

“You are afraid, Riz Gukgak, that you will never find anybody you like,” Baron said from the end of the bed.  

“Go to sleep, Baron.” 

“What was that spell your principal cast on you at the Frostyfaire Folk Festival?” Baron asked. 

“What?” Riz asked, sitting up. 

“He cast dominate monster,” Baron said. “Do you not wonder why that spell was able to work on you, Riz Gukgak?” 

Riz shrugged. “Because he’s a racist?”  

“Perhaps,” Baron said. He brought his legs up so that he was kneeling on the bed, staring at Riz with those frozen, unblinking eyes. “Or perhaps because he knows. It is not that you are a goblin that makes you a monster. What is more monstrous than somebody who cannot feel love?” 

Riz stared at Baron. Baron stared back. He hadn’t thought of that. He purposefully hadn’t thought of that.  

He felt love. He loved his friends. He loved his parents. He loved Penny. He loved... 

“That is not what I am talking about,” Baron said. “You know that. They will all find Romance Partners, and spend the rest of their lives with them. How often does your mother spend time with her high school friends? Who do these people go home to at night? Their Romance Partners. But you will not have one, because you are a monster, Riz Gukgak. And then who will you go home to?” 

“I just haven’t found the right person yet,” Riz argued. 

“You have not found any person yet.” 

“I’m not a monster,” Riz said quietly. “And I’m not going to be alone.” 

“Of course you will not be alone,” Baron said, shifting forward so he could crawl up the bed. “You will always have me.” 

The alarm on Riz’ crystal woke him up. Baron was gone. He stared up at the ceiling for a few moments, gathering his thoughts. He wasn’t afraid and he wasn’t a monster. He just didn’t have time for this. 

[silverflqmes]

໒⦂ 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃𝐒 𝐈 𝐇𝐄𝐋𝐃 𝐁𝐀𝐂𝐊.

synopsis. dan heng, a person of very few words, has been meaning to confess his love, and even more so now as he prays you are not in love with someone else.

genre. fluff

for @diorlumx <3

dan heng x gn!reader.

a pair of cerulean hues eyed you as a laugh escaped your lips at another joke jing yuan made.

dan heng wasn’t one to get jealous, at least he considered himself not to be. but right now, watching you as you as he was, the vidyadhara couldn’t help the envy that crawled into the deepest layers of his skin.

“there was no reason to be bitter,” he’d told himself not too long ago, forcing himself to forget the way serval held you so closely to her. the blonde was naturally warm and physical with her affection, anyway.

but even if you likes one of them or someone else, it was something heng had anticipated from the very start. something he’d expected.

of course you would want someone with less emotional baggage, who wasn’t running away from their past. you’d most certainly favor a lover that made you laugh, smile and feel true happiness with.

anyone would want someone that wasn’t dan heng. an introvert, closed off individual; even a coward to some. whatever characteristics or titles he’d received throughout his travels. nobody wanted someone like that, and he accepted that.

and so, he told himself not to care so much if someday you did turn up at the express, hand in hand with somebody you deeply loved.

after all, it was your life to live and your choice, always. he would never ( ever ) take that away from you or chain you down to him.

however, the thought of you being in love with someone else.. without the knowledge of his feelings for you, stung him a little more than it should have.

with that in mind, the onyx haired boy did the last thing he would have ever caught himself doing.

with tentative steps towards you, he willed his lead filled legs to move, the beat of his heart thundering — echoing your name through his pointed ears.

dan heng wasn’t sure what came over him, let alone compelled him to muster the courage to grab you by the hand as he pulled you away from the albino haired general.

confusion replaced your initial cheeriness before turning into concern as you watched the male lead you elsewhere.

ever since his secret had been spilled for all eyes to see on the xianzhou luofu, he’d been acting off. which to you, was well, completely understandable. although it didn’t stop your worries as you slid your eyes to him. “dan heng?”

silence was his response as he looked ahead of him, thundering heart in his throat. what was he supposed to say? what was he meant to answer with that didn’t sound weird or out of character to say?

you took his lack of words as a sign to be quiet; patient. dan heng, you realized, required a bit of patience. if he didn’t want to say something, he would say it when he was ready. same with the appearance he hid all this time.

as you got a better look at him, you couldn’t help the warmth you felt on your cheeks despite the ocean breeze. he was beautiful. and he was forced into hiding all of his beauty, not that his norm wasn’t alluring to begin with.

when he reached a far enough- a safe enough spot, the aquamarine eyed male slowed his tracks, turning to face you properly. “i have,” he paused, taking in a breath before loosing it softly. “something i have been meaning to tell you for a long time now.”

your thoughts immediately went to the recent events — was he planning to stay on the luofu, now that he had been accepted among his people once more? no, you couldn’t jump to conclusions. “is it something bad?”

dan heng wasn’t certain. was it good? was it really just bad? it all depended on how you would see it. and if you thought it to be bad, the shame would probably haunt him until his dying days.

but he had to speak, now.

“i’m hoping it isn’t.” he answered finally, meeting your gaze again. it was now or never. “y/n, you are the light in the darkness i have lived in so long. the dreams that drive out my nightmares — and i have been afraid, so afraid of telling you.” the male began, steadying himself from fumbling with his words.

this was it. “that i have liked you for quite a long time now — and i just, wanted to tell you..” he paused, grasping his clothing. “before it was too late for me to say.”

as you processed his words, you were reminded of what jing yuan had said that made you laugh as you did. “i think there is more to what dan heng feels for you than what he leads on.” it was a joke, it had to be one. this was your stoic comrade you were talking about. he wasn’t one for romances and affection.

but as you weighed his confession, as it repeated in your head.. you realized more and more, that it wasn’t a joke. dan heng had his sarcastic comments, yes. but this, this wasn’t one of them.

this was him pulling the heart out of his throat and putting it in his hands, vulnerable and true, for you to see.

and now, it was your turn.

“well.. you’re just in time — you will always be on time.” you finally willed yourself to answer, reaching for his hands as you took a step towards him. “because it’s you — dan heng, that i’ll choose. no matter how long i have to wait- if i have to spend forever wondering.”

your hand slid to his cheek, bringing his eyes to yours. “in every life you might live or be reborn in — i will be there to say yes, and return the feelings i share with you.”

notes. this is so enchanted ( taylor’s version ) coded, it just felt fitting tbh.. such an iconic song like fellas ain’t nobody pouring their hearts out in music these days like my girlie taylor does. anyway, i hope you enjoyed luma! i apologize if it was short, i wrote this in several sittings since i’ve been on trip.. so i’m hoping it’s what you were looking for and that you enjoyed reading it!

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[bunglestraydogs]

Nobody but Oda and Atsushi really care for Dazai.

Before ANYONE starts coming after me viciously and saying that obviously it's not just them that care for Dazai, I know. I'm not saying nobody else cares. I'm just saying that these two cared the most and are genuinely worried for him. Well, were. RIP Oda. <3

Let me explain why.

We all are very much aware of the jumpscare we got in BSD Wan, right? Where we thought it was all cute and happy, and BAM we get fucking shot in the chest by Dazai's "When I go, I hope to go out just as beautifully."

HELLO? This was not okay. Usually, when we hear Dazai talking about suicide (save for Fifteen and The Dark Era) he's pretty whimsical about it, not ever really serious. Yet, here, we see just how serious he is. Atsushi does think he's half-joking at first, before he looks towards Dazai and just sees this dead, dull look in his eyes whilst he smiles at the sky. Atsushi is rattled by this, and genuinely distressed. Fuck me, I sobbed when I first watched this scene, I was not expecting the wholeass 180. Anyways, we see how upset Atsushi is by this statement. "Please don't say stuff like that, even as a joke." We still get zero reaction from Dazai. Nothing. Here, we see him without his usual comic relief mask, but he's still guarding himself.

Let me get into why I think.

Dazai has not had anyone genuinely care about him at any point in his life (excluding before he was 14, fuck knows what happened there) so far. Mori, who was essentially a really twisted and fucked up father figure, didn't care about his wellbeing much, except for the fact that he stopped him committing suicide multiple times for the first year that he knew him. Not out of the kindness of his heart, but due to the fact that Dazai was still a necessary pawn in Mori's plans, and he couldn't let him die yet. It literally says so in the Fifteen LN.

Chuuya cares about him to some extent. When Dazai gets wounded (and it's not inflicted by Chuuya) he gets worried and concerned. Prime example being during their fight with Lovecraft, when Dazai gets fucking slapped against a tree. Chuuya punches Lovecraft with a "heavy fist" and then immediately runs over to Dazai, making sure he's okay. When Dazai eventually looks up, Chuuya becomes shaken at how bad his wound is. Then, the next time that Dazai gets slapped again, Chuuya is very very shaken, as Dazai starts spouting off about how he's going to die, and his final words. Chuuya is clearly rattled, and is trying to get him to shut up, asking him what the hell he means. Then, obviously, Dazai is messing, and Chuuya grows anger. Despite Chuuya's hatred for Dazai, he is clearly concerned where his partner's wellbeing is involved. The first time they meet, Chuuya is once again shaken by Dazai when he says to "kill him now then", and is taken aback. Through the years, however, Chuuya becomes desensitised to Dazai's suicidal antics, and he even teases him when they reunite, asking him if he still wants to kill himself, then grows disappointed when Dazai outright admits to it.

Kunikida is of course concerned about his partner, but is also exasperated and annoyed by him. When Dazai goes missing, he even jabs at the fact that he could of actually succeeded in killing himself this time (he mentions that he's probably floating in a river somewhere). As he does mention, though, "That man's ability to avoid death approaches nightmare proficiency." Then Ranpo, "Not even the Port Mafia would be able to get the better of him." And Kenji, "Even after all those suicide attempts, he's still as lively as ever." This is obviously fucking true, all of it. He sees through everything and each step of his is carefully planned and atriculated. However, as Atsushi says, "Still, aren't you worried?" He knows this, and he understands what they're saying, but he is taken aback by their lack of care. Then, Tanizaki steps in, saying that he'll help look for him. King. Atsushi is happy about this clearly. Atsushi really cares for him already, and he doesn't understand why everyone else is so calm about this situation. It's because they all know that he'll get himself out of there in one piece, as he is able to avoid these types of things expertly and deftly. However, Atsushi still is worried for Dazai. Kunikida has been Dazai's partner for two years now, and so he knows all of his antics and tricks, much like Chuuya. Chuuya, however, knows him better and more in depth. Because the ADA Dazai isn't really him. Of course, it is him, but with his darker side hidden a lot more. I don't think he's ever revealed it to any of the members except for Kunikida during his entrance exam. The rest all think of him as some goofball who's good at what he does and has a passion for suicide and women. However, Chuuya knows him as a twisted, unwell guy with a passion for suicide and all things dark, with a but of a wacky side to him. These two parallells still have one thing in common, however, and that's obviously suicide. Anyways, sorry, I was getting out of hand. Kunikida clearly cares for Dazai and his wellbeing, but again, is also infuriated by him and his attempts at suicide, which nobody takes seriously.

Mori. Fuck, man. This guy? Real piece of shit. Sees Dazai as an asset in his plan, nothing more, nothing less. He values him as a Port Mafia member, not a human being. The dehumanising nature of Mori greatly impacts Dazai and his quest for death; Mori exacerbates this multiple times. Yes, he stops him continuously from killing himself, but once again, only because he needs him as a piece in his game plan. He was the sole witness to his promotion as the boss of the Port Mafia, he can't have him go die on him now. So, he keeps a close watch on Dazai, surveillance constant. He controls and manipulates the shit out of him, using his craving for death as a means to get him to do what he wants, bargaining a drug for a comfortable way out in exchange for him doing missions for him, to which Dazai expects, wanting him to make him that drug. Mori saved him at 14, yet Dazai continues to attempt suicide countless times in just that one year. Mori does not care for his wellbeing, mentally or physically. He drives him out of the mafia with Oda's death, yet still expects him to want to come back as an executive. Despite claiming that he didn't drive Dazai out of the mafia, he indirectly did so. Now, I don't know if he sent Oda into this with the expectation that Dazai was going to leave, but I think he did but also don't think he did? I think he did this as a means to get Dazai more under his control and manipulate him, because he knew how close they were and he knew exactly what strings to pull to get Dazai to snap. Except, I don't think he predicted Dazai actually leaving the Port Mafia, because he couldn't of predicted what Oda would say to Dazai, and he couldn't of predicted how deep their bond was.

This brings me to my main and next point; Oda was the only one who ever cared for Dazai. Ango of course did, but not to the extent of Oda. I don't know if many people have read it, but if you haven't, spoilers for 'The Time I Picked Up Dazai' under the cut.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

In the book, we see just how much Oda begins to really care about Dazai, despite him initially being some shady kid that turned up half dead on his doorstep. He ties him up to his bed just so that he won't try and escape and kill himself, as he exclaims to Oda. Oda goes through so many measures to make sure Dazai doesn't kill himself. Three times. Three fucking times. The first time being Dazai crawling to the door to try and get out so that he can get out of Oda's way and die in peace. The second time, he literally fights Oda because he's trying to stab himself. Then, two seconds later, tries to kill himself with the kettle. Oda has to physically stop him. Oda has to fucking strangle him unconcious to get him to stop. Despite meeting him only three days prior, he cares about his wellbeing. Part of the reason is obviously that he doesn't want a dead kid on his hands, but the other part is that he's growing to care for Dazai. All throughout this little book, we see little glimpses of Oda's genuine concern for Dazai. Obviously at first, he was debating just leaving him on the doorstep, because it wasn't really his issue. Yet, he still drags Dazai back to the bed and ties him up when he tries crawling out the house. In the Dark Era, we see him (in the alley scene) tell Dazai to stop talking after he almost gets shot, because he knows that he's just chatting shit. However, in the book (holy shit, it made me cry when I read it) this happens instead;

The way he described Dazai at the end of this scene kind of broke me. "That of a child about to burst into tears." Now, I don't know whether he meant that Dazai was so happy to finally just, you know, die, or that Dazai was just a troubled child. Both, I think. Odasaku sees Dazai as a child, just a child, and the fact that he wants to die so bad and has such a warped perception of the world genuinely hurts Odasaku. He doesn't want to see Dazai like that; it upsets him. He's genuinely angry at what Dazai did, much like how a father would be angry. He can't stand when Dazai's like this because it breaks his heart. Despite Ango scolding him for letting Dazai speak like that, as he will just start going more off the rails, Oda does tell Dazai not to be like that, and is concerned when he is and when he's serious about it, as opposed to him being whimsical about it in the bar. Ango and Odasaku are like father/brother figures to Dazai, they're fond of him and care about him deeply. Which is why it hurts Dazai so much when it starts falling apart. Bungou Stray Dogs fucking breaks me, because in the scene (I haven't finished The Dark Era LN yet, I'm sorry-) in the anime where Dazai is talking about how everything he loves or wants always leaves in the end whenever he obtains them. And so, when Odasaku died, despite how much Dazai prepared for the things he loves to be lost, he couldn't prepare for it at all. And when he finally loses it, he's lost the final stable thing in his life. His attempt at wanting to live had left. His friendship with Oda and Ango was stained with Ango's betrayal. His life in the Port Mafia became dull and depressing. His attempt at trying to live failed. And his best friend died in his fucking arms.

Then Atushi comes in, and reminds him of all he's lost, yet also all he wants to save and achieve. He raises Atushi, because that's what Oda would have wanted. He raises him because it's the right thing to do, and he wants to be there for him. But he doesn't expect Atsushi to begin to actually hold a deep fondness of him. Dazai, as we all know, cannot handle compliments or being cared for, because it's something so rare and foreign to him. So, even though it's supposed to be funny and nice, BSD Wan really hits fucking hard with this one. He doesn't realise that anyone actually cares for him; evil expects evil from others, as he said. Dazai is constantly on guard, cautious and reserved and shielded. He doesn't want to be hurt again. And so, when Atsushi says shit like this, it catches him off guard, but he can't let that show. He can't let anyone see him vulnerable, because everybody has an ulterior motive. He's going to be used for something.

Sound familiar?

SIGMA.

I know, jumpscare, right?

Bet you weren't expecting me to fucking jump to him.

But, I think that's why Dazai actually cares for Sigma in the little time he's come to know him. "I see. So that's how it is." He says after we see Sigma's internal monologue. Not going to lie, I think Dazai sees a bit of himself in Sigma and is trying to save him from that, and show him that not everyone tries to use him, and that he's safe with him and the ADA, which fucking works when Fyodor tries to manipulate him and Sigma pulls out a fucking UNO reverse card on him, and stands his ground, because he won't be used anymore. Dazai has never been able to confront Mori properly about anything, and so if he can let someone else feel what he wishes he could, then that would make him happy. Plus, Sigma's technically an orphan lol.

Another thing of importance to note is

Okay sorry I've been sat here for about five minutes trying to remember and I can't FUCK.

Anyways, the care from Atsushi that Dazai gets is foreign to him. He doesn't know how to respond, so he just doesn't respond at all. Because it hurts too much, and reminds him of Oda.

I THINK I REMEMBERED BUT I DON'T KNOW IF THIS WAS IT.

Anyways, despite it being what I thought of or not, it's a key point to make. When Atsushi's orphanage Director passes away, and he doesn't know how to feel, it's Dazai there to help him through it as he faces the loss of a "loved" one. He doesn't know how to feel about the Director's death. He was someone who raised him, someone who was always there. Except, the Director was a sick, twisted and cruel man, despite him only trying to prepare Atsushi from the worst and save him from what he went through himself and what Atsushi's parents did to him. Clearly not the correct way to raise a kid. However, Dazai tells him "When someone's father dies, they tend to cry." Dazai; emotionless, inhuman and uncaring. This is how Chuuya sees him in his Port Mafia days. This is how everyone saw him; someone to be feared for his lack of humanity and twisted way of dealing with things, his warped perceptions of the universe. Yet, when Odasaku dies, it's the only time we see Dazai crying, and it's the most upset or nervous or emotional we've seen him; the guy's a fucking wreck. This just broke me when he said that, not just because poor fucking Atsushi, but also because Oda was a father figure to Dazai. The only time we have seen him cry was of course Oda. And when he says that to Atsushi, my heart breaks. Literally crumbles. This series is actually god awful, I hate it.

In conclusion, Dazai obviously doesn't respond well to compliments or worries about his wellbeing, and Atsushi reminds him too much of Oda. Everything Atsushi is and does; Atsushi, who he's took under his wing as an orphan. Atsushi, who doesn't see the value or meaning in killing people. Atsushi, who asked Aku to be a mafia member who doesn't kill. Atsushi, who took in Kyouka, despite her flaws, and Dazai had to be there to explain that no matter what, she could be in the ADA, despite her kills, despite being an assassin, despite being in the PM. This shit hits hard for him, and I hate it so much.

Anyways, sorry for this long ass rant but it just kills me how nobody actually thinks to look deeper into Dazai's suicidal tendencies, as he's clearly not okay. Atsushi and Oda are the only one's who have ever thought to pursue it, and actively stop him from thinking like that.

I hope you're all having a lovely day/night! <3

[cheesecakeluvrs]

I don’t think that Rogue is in any way responsible for Remy’s, or anyones, feelings however I do think that the scenes with Magneto showed how emotionally immature she can be at times - she’s still stuck in that thirteen year old girl mindset that is fixated on physical contact. Most people who have been in relationships or dated around a bit know that there’s far more to them than just the physical side but Rogue has experienced none of that, just the carefully constructed relationship that Magneto (and Mystique) wanted her to have. She went from almost killing her first boyfriend to being involved with a much older man who is able to give her the thing she’s been desperate for - physical touch. Rogue has never had a chance to experience all the in-between bits or understand that not everything needs to revolve around kissing and physical intimacy. With all of that combined its understandable that she sometimes doesn’t realise that her actions can hurt those around her. 

Then up pops Remy who is so full of life and fun and makes it obvious from the get-go that he’s into her. But he’s also been consistently shown to enjoy just spending time with her or doing things that have no relation to physical contact. I don’t think Rogue has the experience or understanding that those things can be just as intimate in a relationship as kissing or sex. Thats why she keeps fixating on the physical side and when that doesn’t work she’s understandably devastated.

For Rogue it feels like a win to realise that Remy is the one she wants, touch or no touch, and seeks him out without registering that this is a potentially cruel thing to do, because she can’t quite see outside of her own wants and needs. I think if she’d had a few relationships under her belt then Rogue would have realised that, regardless of intention, she had hurt Remys feelings with the dancing and the kissing - even if he didn’t see it, it’s not like nobody is going to tell Remy. 

On Remys part its just another instance where he is yet again nobodies first choice; his bio parents didn’t want him, Jean-Luc left him out on the streets until he was of use to the Guild then kicked him out again and the Xmen at times have one rule for him and completely different set of rules for everybody else re Antartica. Rogue turning around and deciding that she wants him barely ten minutes after telling him that she’d rather be with Magneto is only going to pick at these insecurities because Remy has his own trauma to deal with, trauma that isn’t directly related to his powers, kind of the opposite to Rouge which is a nice parallel. Again, most people who have dated would have clocked this and perhaps taken a different route. 

Anyway, sorry for the essay, i just really liked your post and I don’t think its fair to put Remys hurt feelings on Rogue. However I would have loved to have seen them have that conversation so that Rogue could have had some growth in terms of relationships. I love her but it can feel a bit one sided at times in that her feelings are always to be tended to first, regardless of what has happened.

Who knows, maybe we'll see that if we get Death Remy...

Yeah this definitely isn’t the end of the drama and all this is so true! Rogue has had so little experience with love so she is just very confused. She also can’t help the fact that she realized she wanted Remy RIGHT after rejecting him. Her whole life has been the same old chasing and yearning for touch and now she’s faced with the choice of either touch or feelings so she really doesn’t know what to do. She’s faced with all these realizations at once so maybe it’s a good things she’s not going to be getting into a relationship with Gambit right away. She needs some experience with relationships but right now she’s having way too much and I think she needs a little break to really understand her feelings.

[imagine-knowing-a-name]

2 am, who do you love?

Summary: You feel guilty for pushing Wanda away and want to apologise, but when Vision is always there, will you be able to? And what even is their relationship?

Word Count: 2218 Pairing: Wanda Maximoff x Reader Warnings: Vision Part 5 of 'Half of My Hometown' series masterlist <- previous part | next part ->

»»————-　★　————-««

Your path is familiar, the setting is familiar, the time is familiar…but when you walk your route the next night, everything feels inexplicably different. Nothing has changed outwardly, but the air feels more stagnant, the building feels quieter, and your heart pounds faster in your chest.

You consider that there might be an intruder you have yet to spot, but quickly shake that thought away. You know the real reason:

Wanda.

Of course.

The uncertainty of where you stand with her messes with you more than you care to admit; you know you shouldn’t be this affected when it’s still been less than a week since you reunited. If she hates you now and never wants to meet you again, then it’s just a return to your normal shifts anyway, right?

Your stomach turns at the thought.

You don’t want to go back to the silence; in just two days, the nightly meetings had become something for you to look forward to – a beacon pulling you through your shift – but now you’re left to wonder if last night was the last.

The hurt that flashed across Wanda’s face has been haunting your every waking moment since you pushed her away – and that isn’t even fully accurate because it implies that the thoughts stop in your sleep. They don’t. You tossed and turned all night because of it.

It replays once again: her furrowed eyebrows, the wide eyes… then she’d wiped the expression away within a millisecond as if to hide her true feelings from you. That’s what causes you the most guilt – that’s not how things are supposed to work between friends, you’re supposed to be the one she shares her emotions with, not the one causing her to bottle them up. Even a day later, every new thought still leads you down the same path: no matter what you think of or which approach you take, it always returns to her, and whether you’ll see her again. You’ve planned a hundred apologies in your head, but you don’t even know that there’ll be anyone there to apologise to.

As the clock ticks once again towards 2am, dread bubbles up in your chest. 

You round the corner that has become oh so important in recent days. This is the moment of truth.

She's there.

But he is too.

Wanda’s eyes lock onto yours immediately, as if she’d been waiting for you to round the corner, before she breaks into a smile and calls you over with a wave. It’s too late to turn around, so you head over to the pair of Avengers, trying to think of what to say: Wanda doesn’t seem angry, but you know very well that it may be a facade hiding her hurt, just like her smile the previous night. Then the man at her side is putting on no facade at all; he stands blank-faced without a word of greeting – somewhat unnerving when you know what the synthetic Avenger is capable of.

“Hi Wanda,” is what you come up with, smiling softly at her. “Vision.”

He only nods, then the three of you linger awkwardly, nobody knowing quite what to say until Wanda finally braves a conversation.

“So, I, uh, we didn't get to talk much last night.”

You head ducks quickly, expecting a beratement. You want to apologise, to say how much you would have preferred her company to the silent walks and how much you look forward to seeing her every day. But you can’t. Not in front of Vision.

“I was the one who said I’d see you tomorrow and then,” she continues, and her eyes flick quickly to Vision, “...did something else.” Vision smiles, which causes you to look again between the two of them – are they dating? 

With the way Wanda smiles back at him, her wording suddenly starts to sound like an inside joke between the two of them – a code which they know you won’t understand. You hide the grimace that threatens to reveal your thoughts. After what feels like minutes of watching them, but was more likely only a second, Wanda turns back to you and you force your attention back to her, pushing thoughts of her and Vision to the back of your mind. Why is it upsetting you so much?

“So, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for that-”

Wait, why was she apologising? Didn't you come here to apologise? There are more questions than you can keep up with, flooding your head and delaying your responses. An apology from you to Wanda would solve a lot of them, but one look towards Vision and you know you can’t do it in the way that you’d like to. His unwavering straight line of a mouth silently reminds you of your responsibility, and Wanda’s too. Her place is with Vision now – with the Avengers – and he doesn’t seem keen to let you distract her from that. Even suggesting that she might want to come with you in your apology, had you not pushed her to go to the gym, could cause problems not only for you and your career, but more importantly, Wanda and hers. You can’t risk instilling the notion that she might not prioritise her training every night.

What you can do though, is stop Wanda apologising, and that’s exactly what you do, with a string of “no, no, no, it’s okay.”

“You’ve got to train, and I'm sure I should be focused on work anyway. I don't mean to disturb you two by always being here when you come to use the gym.”

“Speaking of which…” Vision finally says, cutting off whatever Wanda had opened her mouth to reply with.

“Oh, yeah, of course,” you say, taking the hint, “you guys can get back to it. I'll… I'm…” You point over your shoulder, to the corridor you're supposed to keep walking down. Vision takes that as his sign to turn and open the gym door, but he’s forced to wait because Wanda hasn’t moved; she’s still lingering in place, looking at you.

“Um… hope the rest of your shift goes okay.” She speaks softly and – mixed with how she avoids eye contact – you’re reminded of the child who used to make you or Pietro speak on her behalf. “I'll go in with Vision now, but maybe another night, we could…”

She hesitates when she glances up and meets your eye, so you smile as encouragingly as you can, hoping she’ll say what you’ve been too afraid to.

“We could just talk again, like the other night. I enjoyed that.”

“I did too,” you answer honestly, “I'd like that.”

“See you around then,”

“See you around, Wanda.”

With a brief smile over her shoulder, she hurries back to Vision’s side, allowing them to walk together into the gym. You watch her go, seeing how she plays with the ring you gave her while looking up at Vision – you can’t help but wonder if she remembers how it used to be yours. Maybe Vision will give her a ring one day – a perfect new one, fitted for her, rather than a young child’s second-hand find – and you’ll watch silently as she chooses that one instead.

You have to physically shake your head in an attempt to clear those thoughts; where were they coming from? What caused this sudden disdain of Vision for keeping her from you? Wanda is her own person, a person you had once been close to, sure, but also a person you’ve hardly seen in 13 years; of course she’ll have other friends, a boyfriend, a life beyond childhood memories. And besides, you and her are friends, nothing else, having a boyfriend doesn’t replace that, so why do you feel this way towards Vision? You should be happy for her. You want to be happy for her. But instead you trudge slowly away from the gym, simmering in your own thoughts.

»»————-　★　————-««

And so it went, night after night, meeting after meeting. Wanda is always there to greet you and Vision is always by her side. You'll talk for a couple of minutes about nothing much, then break apart when you have to go back to your route and Wanda to her gym training.

Each and every night though, you and Wanda pull away slowly, like magnets resisting their attraction, lingering with words unspoken, and words which would remain unspoken so long as Vision is nearby. As much as you wish that you could ask her to accompany you instead of Vision, and spend the days pondering if this will be the night you finally gather the courage to do so, when the time comes, you always hesitate. It never happens.

After so many instances of this, Vision’s now familiar voice reaches your ears once again, causing you to frown. Your expression isn't solely from hearing the obstacle to yours and Wanda's conversations, but also due to the time and location of hearing him. This isn't where you usually meet him and nor is it 2am; it's early in your shift. 

In the first few hours that you work, the Compound is yet to be completely vacant, so voices aren't unusual, but it is rare to see anyone other than the handful of agents finishing up their own shifts. Now there's an Avenger present and, if your hearing is to be believed, he's talking to another Avenger: your employer, world-saver, and leading star of your childhood nightmares… Tony Stark.

Now, eavesdropping isn't your original goal, but you're curious! Aside from the gym, there's very little reason for the two Avengers to be in this area of the Compound, so of course you're inclined to investigate what they're up to. You sneak closer and closer until the muffled voices turn into coherent speech, then pause when you work out the topic of conversation. They're talking about Wanda.

At this point, you accept that you'll be standing there for as long as you can without getting caught. You sink closer and fiddle loosely with the pockets of your belt, giving yourself an excuse for loitering if anyone were to walk past.

“-I always accompany her to ensure she is not alone, and I have seen her make good progress in our nightly sessions.”

“Why is it that you always go in the middle of the night? Are the two of you engaged in some other late night activities I need to know about?” Tony asks teasingly. You try to ignore the insinuation.

Vision seems to do the same. “Miss Maximoff prefers the gym to be quiet. However, I find her waiting outside for me every night, so I do believe she enjoys the company. Training with the whole team may simply be overwhelming for her still, but I am happy to work with her until she is ready for that stage.

“‘Atta boy! At least someone here is doing what I asked. Having something to look out for her will be good for her, ya know? I mentioned it to Nat too, but you and Wanda already seem… close.”

All of Tony's words seem to confirm the notion you've been avoiding and your stomach twists at the knowledge that you haven't been imagining things. When it’s just you, it's easy to kid yourself into writing your intuition off as just late-night delusions, but if Tony also sees that Wanda and Vision may be something other than just friends, then, well…it's suddenly a bit harder to deny.

“We have gotten close,” Vision replies. With him, it's near impossible to tell whether he means that as confirmation of their relationship or if he's simply not picked up on the billionaire's insinuation.

“Yeah, you could say that. Can you even blush Vision? or does that ‘permanent sunburn’ shade hide it? Either way, I don't need to see you blushing to know when you've got a crush-

Tony doesn't even see them at night like you do, which means they act the same during the day too – together at almost all hours of the day. Do they make more of a show of it in the daytime, you wonder? Tony seems so confident in their relationship, so there must be more than you see in your 5 minutes together at 2am. You try to clear the thoughts from your mind – not that it works – before you quickly walk away, unable to bear the conversation any longer.

Why does it bother you so much? That's the question you keep coming back to. Why should you care if Wanda is in a relationship? A relationship with Vision? He seems like a decent person, and you're sure Wanda knows him better than your brief perception anyway. They should enjoy their relationship, and maybe you're just upset at being the third wheel is all, that's a reason for feeling disappointment like this, right?

You don't want to dwell on it further, knowing your current mind is a tangle of questions ready to trap you if you dare pull on a single thread. But you've already pulled. As much as you try to focus on the rest of your shift, all you can think about is that you'll have to greet Wanda and Vision again later in the night.

And you'll have to pretend it's not killing you to see.

»»————-　★　————-««

General Taglist: @canvascoloredin @fxckmiup @wizardofstories

Series Taglist: @holiday-house-of-m @emiliaisdead @wonderingnerd @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @chasethemoon @alexawynters

A/N: I'm not really a fan of the banner either lol, but it's easier than finding gifs. Sorry for the delay again, the past week has just been insanely busy for reasons I don't even know, but I hope you enjoy! Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated as usual if you do :)

[madaqueue]

playlists

broke her daughter's legs in two | "bruno is orange" x hop along

synopsis: geto finds you after the village massacre, but things went differently

pairing: suguru geto x reader

themes/content: semi-canon curse au. angst. language. loss, death, mentions of possible abuse.

word count: 1.3k

a/n: a little angst to get me out of my smut era (jk i have so much more lined up lmao) anyways once again i highly suggest listening to this song while reading :)

“suguru?” you whisper hesitantly to the man standing in your doorway. the moonlight shines through the curtains of your dorm room, illuminating him just enough to make out his figure.

he says nothing, staring blankly ahead.

“what happened?” you ask, rubbing sleep from your eyes. he slowly starts walking towards you, a pit of dread forming in your stomach as he silently approaches your bed.

you shouldn’t be afraid. you know you shouldn’t. he’s your best friend.

but you also know what happened - you had read the report earlier today.

112 villagers died.

not a single person left in the village.

concluded to be that of suguru geto’s curse manipulation.

geto set fire to the village and fled.

subject to execution.

the weight of his body at the end of your bed causes it to sag slightly as he sits next to you. the smell of ash, blood, and death hangs on his clothes.

the cicadas chirp outside your open window, filling the air between you until he takes in a shaky breath, shoulders raising ever so slightly.

“i had to,” he mouths, the words barely audible.

his eyes stare straight ahead, empty.

“had to what?” you prod, gently reaching a hand up to his back. he flinches at your touch.

“i had to save them.”

you wouldn’t understand, he thinks. nobody else will ever understand.

the things he saw in that village, the way they hurt them - the two girls. it wasn’t their fault. and yet, there they were. they put them there. in that fucking cage, like animals.

the young girls begged him, tears in their eyes. “please don’t tell.” “please don’t yell.”

he was good. he knew he was good. he had to save them.

suddenly, the old woman behind him, their captor, spat back at them, “don’t speak. you’re both going to hell.”

he did what a good person should do. he saved them.

the world is not kind to sorcerers - he knew this all too well. especially in places like these, the outskirts of society where sorcery was equated to evil and condemned, they hurt them. they blame them. they punish them. the world is a dangerous place for sorcerers.

as he sits in your bed, he starts to shake. no tears leave his eyes, but his breathing becomes ragged, shoulders heaving as he stares into the distance in front of him, eyes unfocused.

in the quiet of your room, all he hears are the crackles of the flames. he didn’t even hear the screams, the pleas, that fell from their traitorous lips. because he was doing good. he was saving them.

your voice pulls him back to reality slightly, still unable to tune out the ringing of bloodshed from his ears. “suguru,” you murmur, “whatever happened, it’s okay.”

he wants to believe you, he does. he wants to feel your hand stroking his back, but it just feels like everything is a million miles away. he’s watching himself break down in the moonlight of your room. he wants to be good.

“i killed them,” he finally utters.

the words make you flinch, even though you knew they were coming.

“i killed all of them. the entire village.”

“why?” you ask, not wanting but nevertheless needing an answer, an explanation, for what happened.

“i had to save them.”

“save who?”

“the girls.”

a sigh leaves your lips in relief. you knew it, you knew suguru wouldn’t just hurt people. he must have seen them, they must have been hurt, and the only way to help them was to burn the village down. you needed this to be true, to reassure yourself as much as him. you knew he was good.

he was your best friend, after all, and right now he needs you.

you think back to the last time you saw him before this mission, how different things were, the morning he left.

–

the two of you sit on a picnic bench, shaded by one of the trees in the courtyard outside the school. geto holds an orange in his hands, peeling it with a small knife. he was always so careful with things like this, never daring to nick the soft flesh of the fruit, a care he brought with him into every aspect of his life. he was always calculated, a quiet thoughtfulness that came second nature to him.

your eyes trace over his hands before moving up to his face, the dark circles under his eyes a physical manifestation of the exhaustion you had seen growing in him the past few weeks.

“suguru?” you get his attention.

“mhm?” he murmurs, eyes never leaving the orange as he continues working his knife around it.

you sigh, not knowing how he’ll react to the question you’ve been dreading. “are you…are you okay?”

his hands freeze for a moment, body tensing, before he returns to his movement. “mhm,” he affirms.

you want to reach across the table, grab him by the shoulders and yell that you know he’s lying, that he is so clearly and undeniably not okay, that he just needs to talk to you and you’ll do anything you can to help him.

but, of course, you don’t. instead, you tilt your head back as your gaze shifts up to the sky, bright blue through the leaves above you.

“you know,” you start, scanning the branches that shake softly in the wind, “i heard that people used to eat oranges in the morning if they weren’t feeling well, the idea of a fruit-curing fever, something in it warming and soothing. they thought it could heal sickness.”

“mmm,” suguru hums softly. without another word, he splits the orange in two, handing you half. “worth a shot,” he says with a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes.

–

remembering him, his kindness and hurt, your body language softens. “that’s okay,” you explain, more at ease now that you know he acted out of compassion. “where are they now, the girls? we can go help them, together.”

geto is silent. his eyes slowly move from the floor up to yours, a new darkness in them.

“suguru…” you start.

he just stares.

“w-what did you do?” you stammer, fear reappearing in the pit of your stomach, your hand freezing in place on his back.

“i saved them.” his voice is low, resigned. “it was too dangerous for them. they couldn’t live in this world, a world built to hate them. i needed to protect them. i needed to help them. and i did,” he pauses to take in a sharp breath between his rambling. “now, they won’t have to live in a world that would hurt them. it was too dangerous. i helped them. i did. i saved them.”

as he talks himself in circles, his grasp on everything becomes undone. he loses himself in his words, the mantra he so desperately clung to, the one he needed to say until he believed it.

he was good. he saved them.

your eyes widen as the realization sets in: the girls are dead. just like everyone else in the village. just like the reports said.

as he babbles out the same explanation, shock takes over your body. you can’t think, can’t breathe, can’t move, the only words leaving your mouth are “it’s okay,” over and over again, the sounds mixing with his in your room, chaos swirling in the night air as you both drift away from this reality.

“it’s okay” “i protected them” “it’s okay” “i helped them” “it’s okay” “i saved them” “it’s okay”

suddenly, your body jolts forward as you sit up in bed. the action surprises suguru into silence as he watches you, eyes following your every move as you walk to the small kitchen in your dorm room, taking an orange out of a bowl that sits on the counter.

you shove your thumb under the thick peel, tearing at the flesh of the fruit as you pull it apart in strips. juice leaks down between your fingers and drips onto the counter. holding the fruit in your palm, your bare feet carry you back to suguru. holding out a hand, you both sit in silence and eat the orange.

your voice is raspy and worn as you speak to him.

“you saved them.”

[gauntletqueen]

the italian boxer isn't a cop, isn't 100% white, and was crying because of her dead dad. she's come out in support of the other boxer people are using her as a weapon against to be racist. the way the olympics and the media is treating both boxers is really fucked up, i do not think the italian woman did anything wrong, she's just a useful tool of oppression people are utilizing against her will

Okay you're part right, part wrong. I've done some more looking into it and I'm glad I did cause it's Nuanced~ Not here to prove you wrong, just gonna list it all out clearly so we can all understand the situation better.

I haven't personally seen any racism coming into the controversy so I don't understand why you're bringing that up, or that Angela Carini isn't fully white. The most I can see is a few mentions of Italian politicians using the situation to try and earn some brownie points by standing behind Angela Carini, but even then they're also latching onto the narrative that Imane Khelif had an unfair advantage, due to her being transgender. She isn't, btw. She's a cis woman,another case of transphobes jumping at any opportunity to try to push their bullshit, even when the target isn't trans, and nobody had even accused them of being trans before that point.

While I can't find definitive proof that Angela herself is a cop, she was raised by cops and is a member of the boxing division of one of Italy's police forces. I can't figure out if that means that she is also an actual cop but that's probably where the assumption comes from.

"she was crying because of her dead dad" is true, but oversimplifying it. Specifically, she's said that her brother and late father were boxers before her, and taught her the sport. She wanted to honor them in the olympics, but the tension, stress and expectations got too much for her in the match against Imane, who it seems fought much harder than Angela was used to. This caused her to have an emotional breakdown. That's all extremely reasonable honestly I can't imagine having to handle to pressure of representing your country At The Olympics, especially not when there are also such big personal stakes. Supposedly she was cited as shouting "it's not fair!" as she left the ring. This is what got transphobes like JK Rowling and Musk to co-opt the story into their bigotted narrative that Imane must be transgender, as transphobic women in the past have blamed their losses on the fact that a transgender woman Was Involved.

It's likely that they might also have used Imane's disqualification from participating in the 2023 IBA Women's World Boxing championship. The organization had declared her testosterone levels to be too high, which supposedly "proved they had XY chromosomes". Since then, the International Olympic Committee has removed the IBA as the organizers of boxing at the olympics due to "continuing irregularity issues in the areas of finance, governance, ethics, refereeing, and judging" So. Perhaps they are a bad judge of chromosomes. Because again, Imane is a cis woman.

Anyway. Angela has stated (translation taken from Wikipedia, the original italian article is behind a paywall) "I want to apologize to her and everyone else. I was angry because my Olympics had gone up in smoke. I don't have anything against Khelif. If I were to meet her again, I would embrace her"

So yeah, she's done nothing wrong, she just cracked under immense pressure, and might be a cop or cop-sympathetic, but that doesn't seem to really have anything to do with the situation. The important thing is that rightwing bigots jumped at the chance to make her a martyr against her will, as you said.

[aleksanderscult]

what I feel the thing about blade boy is many people were willing to forgive him in the first book. I was one of those people too. I thought,' oh he's probably come back from a traumatic experience, he doesn't mean what he sat, right?' Although I still thought that mal beig mad that alina was happy was suspicious.

Then too boy, the second book. People argue that 'oh he's like the same age as alina, we can't hold a teenager to impossibly high standards!' and I'm just like yeah, that's true. But Leigh just portrays this as a normal couples quarrel which ends up in a perfectly happy marriage (not a dysfunctional relationship which realistically would not work out).

oh oh and then comes his hypocrisy. Remember that scene at teh banya? Directly after he kissed zoya? Alina offers him that she will give up her power and run away with him (idk if she was serious or not) but mal says,' has it wver occurred to you that you're meant to be a queen and I'm meant to be nobody?' And then when alina snaps out of her stupor and stands her ground, saying the old alina ain't coming back, he just whines' I want her back?' WHY DOESNT HE PICK A SIDE?

And then ' has it ever occurred to you that I may not follow?' moment. See, if person A really does love person B, A will do whatever they can to make person B happy??? Is that not common sense? If you love a person and it's in both your better interest to let them go? You let them go? I mean, this dude literally said 'idgaf if you danced naked on the roof of the little palace with the darkling'and he is pulling this crap?

Anyways thanks for coming to my yapfest. All in all, I have many other points about blade boy that are just suspicious. I was honestly hopi g that alina remain teh leader of the second army and/or marry Nikolai and use her power to better ravka and the grisha. But we can't have that. Stay safe, take care of yourself!

-🎀 annon

Every time a person rants in my askbox is a blessed day for me. Because those facts are always delicious.

Leigh Bardugo tried so hard to make fans understand that Darklina is toxic but turns a blind eye where Malina is concerned.

True love is when you accept the other the way they are. You don't want to change them, you love everything about them. And here we have Mal who crawls away from Alina's Grisha side like it's a parasite or something. Like it's not her entire being and soul.

And that quote you mentioned "I don't care if you danced naked on the roof with him" is kinda rich coming from the man who was losing his shit every time Aleksander was in Alina's range.

That hypocritical jerk did much to Alina and he got away with that. He never apologized and even when he did, he phrased it in a way as if it was Alina's fault for acting that way against her.

That asshole is the most egomaniac character in the Grishaverse (yes even more than the Darkling. At least the Darkling could think about somebody else too.)

[thisapplepielife]

Written for the @steddieholidaydrabbles December challenge.

Catch Fire

Prompt Day 6: Cooking | Word Count: 1000 | Rating: M | CW: None | Tags: Established Relationship, Idiots in Love, First Home, Cooking Mishaps

"Why was there a fire truck pulling out of our driveway when I got home?" Steve asks, putting his gym bag down on the floor next to the couch. It smells awful in their house right now. Like the remnants of a campfire, all charred and heavy, hanging in the air.

And if he's not mistaken, he's pretty sure it's a little cloudy. Steve opens the window over the sink, and then the front door, just trying to get some air circulating through the house.

"There was a fire truck outside? I didn't see a fire truck," Eddie says sitting on the floor, arms deep in the oven.

"Oh, really? That's an interesting place for them to turn around then," Steve replies, pretending he's not seeing whatever the fuck is happening right in front of him. 

"Totally weird," Eddie says, still scrubbing. "We should complain to the city. Using our private property to turn around? Unacceptable."

Steve smiles, and watches, just waiting to see if Eddie's gonna cave and confess to whatever the fuck he did this time, without Steve asking. He doesn't, and Steve gets impatient.

"You caught the oven on fire, huh?" Steve finally asks, grabbing a bottle of Gatorade from the fridge and planting his ass on the bar stool. He's gonna watch this play out.

"I resent that accusation!" Eddie yells, his voice muffled, since his head is quite literally in the oven right now.

"But it's true, right?" Steve asks, and Eddie's laugh echoes throughout the room, coming from inside the oven.

"Maybe, just a little fire," Eddie says, "more smoke than anything else."

"Are you okay?" Steve asks.

"Embarrassed, but okay," Eddie admits, finally looking at Steve, "I thought I could make s'mores in the oven. Turns out, and really, who could have guessed this, marshmallows can really burn if they fall and hit the coils."

"Nobody ever could have predicted that. Not with how they catch fire, and all," Steve says. 

Eddie laughs.

"How did you lose a marshmallow in the oven?" Steve asks, because he's not sure how this went so awry. It's Eddie, minor disasters follow him like an old friend, but still. This is something, even for Eddie.

"I put the graham crackers right on the rack, because I didn't want to clean melted marshmallow goop off the cookie sheet. Again."

Steve taps his temple, sarcastically, "Smart. Instead you're cleaning out the bottom of the oven, I take it?"

"What didn't burn off and smoke up the whole house, yes, yes, I am," Eddie admits.

Steve laughs, and gets down on the floor next to Eddie, leaning back on his haunches, "Need some help?"

He doesn't want to scrub charred marshmallow off the bottom of their oven. But he'd do it. For Eddie. He's learned that over the last few years. He'll do anything for Eddie. Anything at all. 

"Always," Eddie says, but instead of handing him the scrub brush, Eddie is leaning forward to kiss Steve. Once, twice, until he's pushed Steve flat on his back on the linoleum, mess long forgotten.

That's not what Steve meant, but this will definitely do just fine.

Steve presses his body to Eddie's, happy to be home and touching him. They don't get a whole lot of time home together these days. Eddie works nights more often than not, and Steve has been pulling in extra shifts, and wants to go to the gym at least three times a week. 

Eddie doesn't understand that impulse, not at all, but Steve appreciates that Eddie encourages him to do whatever makes him happy.

It's taken a while to get on their feet. Life wasn't easy to return to, after everything that happened in Hawkins. But as soon as the dust cleared, and the kids had graduated and spread their wings and flew away, Steve had taken Eddie, and Robin, and they'd left town. 

There was nothing left there, anyway. So they packed up, and decided to start anew. From scratch, together. Starting out in a shitty, little apartment with one bedroom. The three of them crammed in, with no privacy. 

But it was great, and helped them start to build new lives. To just be who they are, without any preconceived notions coming their way. 

They worked, and scraped, and clawed their way into better lives.

Now, Robin's in school, and Steve's so proud of her. She's gonna be pissed when she comes home and smells the house, though. She's still in the spare room, and Steve wouldn't have it any other way. These two are his family. 

She might not stay with them forever, but they decided to put down roots, and bought this house. It's not huge, but it's nice, and it's their home.

They're doing fine, but this house isn't going to pay itself off. So, he misses Eddie.

Steve flips them over, and presses his dick against Eddie's. Eddie squirms underneath him, and that always gets Steve going. The reaction Eddie has to them touching in any way. It's the hottest thing.

With that in mind, Steve leans down and kisses Eddie again, before burying his face in Eddie's neck, just laying on him, touching in every place possible. 

"You stink," Eddie finally says.

"Well, I was gonna say the same thing about you," Steve answers with a laugh, pulling his head back to look at Eddie.

He doesn't care though, not really. He'd still want to touch Eddie, even if he does smell a little bit like burning right this second. 

"Wanna take a shower together? Conserve water. Save the planet and shit," Eddie asks, giving him the eyes. 

Those eyes have always been his downfall, and Eddie damn well knows it.

"Okay, I guess we can do that," Steve says, pretending like this is something he's conceding to, and not something that he really wants. 

They get up, and Steve leaves the window open, but closes the front door, and lets Eddie lead the way to the bathroom. 

If you want to write your own, or see more entries for this challenge, pop on over to @steddieholidaydrabbles and follow along with the fun!

If you want to see more of my entries into this month-long challenge, you can check them out in my Steddie Holiday Drabbles tag, right here!

[rachelsfav-queer]

I can’t sleep because my nose is all plugged up and also I slept in late this morning sooooo…

Late night Wenclair thoughts? I may smooth these out into a proper fic sometime so please don’t steal any of this! Thank you!

Below the cut just cause there’s a lot lol. All sfw stuff here, don’t worry

So, I just saw this post from @barblaz-arts with some of their sketches (sorry, I couldn’t find any pronouns on your blog and didn’t want to assume anything) and one of them was a “get-along shirt” shirt. So that made me think of Enid making a two person sweater for her and Wednesday to wear and Wednesday “begrudgingly” wearing it all the time lol. So she just constantly is trying to indirectly get Enid to ask her to wear it, cause she doesn’t want to admit that she actually loves wearing it cause of how close it allows her to be to Enid. Enid of course knows that Wednesday loves wearing it and why, but lets the seer think she’s being sneaky. (Thanks for the inspo barblaz, lol)

NEXT THOUGHT!

What about Wenclair’s first time sleeping in the same bed? Like, I imagine it’s probably a bit awkward and stiff for them. But I think that it’s actually Wednesday who breaks the tension by randomly blurting out something like “I want you to hold me… please” and like, she’s blushing, thinking she’s just ruined it all but Enid just smiles rolls over, opening her arms out to invite her to cuddle close. Ugh, can you imagine Wednesday slowly curling up against Enid as she becomes more comfortable in her gentle embrace?? 🥺🥺🥺

NEXT THOUGHT!

So, y’all remember that scene where after just barely meeting Enid, Wednesday opens up about her traumatic experience as a child that literally shaped who she currently is as a person, a characterization that so many people have criticized endlessly because they didn’t actually pay attention to this scene that explained explicitly why Wednesday acts the way she does and that it’s not just “teenage whiny ‘I hate my parents’ type angsty” stuff but actually an interesting and new take on these classic characters because these characters have been around for decades and it’s hard to come up with new stories while also keeping the characters the exact same…….

Sorry, I ranted again… sorry.

Anyway, y’all remember that scene, right? Well, I absolutely love it and what it implies for Wenclair. Because it shows how Enid is the only person who Wednesday shows true vulnerability to. Not even T*ler or X*vier with the infuriating love triangle they had. She comes close to it with Eugene and Pugsley, but only with Enid do we see that raw vulnerability. And I really like that.

So, to the actual point, I think that Wednesday actually has a lot of that throughout their relationship journey or whatever you wanna call it lol. Wednesday opens up to Enid and Enid only about she struggles with certain things and how she is truly afraid that her issues will end up pushing Enid away again, and for good this time. And Enid actually talks Wednesday through all this seriously. She tells her that yes, her behavior needs to be adjusted to no longer be toxic, but also assures her that she’s going to be there for her. She won’t tolerate genuine toxicity, but she will be understanding and patient with mistakes. Because that’s what Wednesday really needs and we see that in the show actually. Enid is the perfect deuteragonist to Wednesday because she holds her accountable in a way nobody else does in the show. She doesn’t dance around anything, calling Wednesday out for her sometimes toxic behavior but doing it in a compassionate way.

ITS BECAUSE SHE UNDERSTANDS WEDNESDAY IN A WAY NOBODY ELSE DOES EXCEPT HER FAMILY!!!! BECAUSE WEDNESDAY OPENED UP TO HER ALONE ABOUT HER PAST TRAUMA!!!!!!! they’re so fucking canon it’s not even funny

Anyway, this is all just for the point of Wednesday opening up to Enid, late at night, when neither of them can sleep. Wednesday because she needs to get these things off her chest and Enid because her girlfriend is struggling and she wants to be there for her in any way she can. Gods, I love them so muchhhhhh!!!!!!

NEXT THOUGHT!

On the thought of Wenclair being awake late at night, I believe with every bit of my being that whether you think “Wednesday is the top” or “Enid is the top” either way, Wednesday will either be little spoon or will be curled up against Enid’s side with Enid’s arms around her. Whatever way they’re cuddling, Enid is in someway holding Wednesday close. This right here goes hand in hand with my next thought, which is that Wednesday is very clearly autistic-coded and it’s almost painfully obvious lol. So, this means that Wednesday really likes the pressure of being held tight. She likes weighted blankets but not nearly as much as she likes being squeezed by Enid. That is all lol.

NEXT THOUGHT!

Autistic Wednesday and AuDHD Enid supporting each other’s neurodivergence wholeheartedly. Enid is always carrying around noise-canceling earbuds and headphones for Wednesday. The earbuds are for when Wednesday just needs basic protection from background noise, which is most times and the headphones are for situations when she needs something more heavy duty. So, when Wednesday’s getting overstimulated by the world and people around her. And with Enid’s touch being the only touch that Wednesday accepts without any sort of discomfort (yes I know that Gomez and Pugsley make contact with her too, but she looks slightly uncomfortable with it when they do it, compared to whenever Enid touches her, she doesn’t even seem fazed, not even when she’s a bit more excited and isn’t touching very lightly. There’s a clear difference) I think that Enid has a sort of “escape plan” where Enid will pull Wednesday away from situations where she’s uncomfortable. She’s always gentle, yet firm. Firm both for Wednesday’s sake because she needs the grounding but also to show anyone around to STAY BACK! Mmm, Enid being instinctually protective over Wednesday when she’s overwhelmed. Along with all that, Enid is basically a personal guard dog for Wednesday, keeping a clear distance limit for anyone around them, to ensure nobody bumps into Wednesday or touches her.

On the other hand, I think that Enid probably has texture issues with foods. So, Wednesday will act as a kind of “taste tester” but for textures whenever they come across new foods that Enid may want to try. Basically, Wednesday checks first to see if certain foods will trigger Enid’s texture issues or if they’re safe for her to try. Wednesday knows by heart what textures bother Enid and so is distinctly capable of handling this task and does it happily. And for Enid’s ADHD, Wednesday doesn’t particularly understand Enid’s struggles but is by far the single most supportive and understanding person to Enid’s symptoms. Whether it’s Time Blindness or Executive Dysfunction or whatever issues she’s dealing with, Wednesday either acts as an assistant to help Enid work through it, or if she’s unable to for whatever reason, Wednesday doesn’t let Enid for even a single moment feel guilty about it, reassuring her entirely.

Basically, they’re each other’s best support and they work together to help each other!

NEXT THOUGHT!

I HC Wednesday being into like, heavy rock/metal music. More specifically, I think she loves Ghost (definitely introduced to them by Yoko, same goes for all the other rock music she listens to) and so I think that Wednesday and Enid actually influence each other’s music tastes, so Enid’s listening to some of Wednesday’s rock playlists and Wednesday’s listening to Enid’s kpop playlists. At first, both do it simply are interested in being involved in each other’s interests. But, they both find themselves relating to the music they’re listening to and actually loving it just as much as the other does.

All of this is to say,,,,,,, Wenclair going to a Ghost ritual wearing the merch and Wenclair going to a kpop show (sorry I don’t listen to kpop so I don’t know any bands) wearing the merch.

Please someone draw either or both of these I am begging on my hands and knees please please please pleaseeeeeeeeee

Whew, OKAYYYY!!! I think that’s all I got lol. It’s almost 2 in the morning and I still don’t feel even slightly tired… this is painful lol

I hope y’all enjoy my sleep-deprived brainrotted wenclair thoughts lol. Feel free to share your thoughts on any of these either in the reblogs, replies, or my askbox! I’d love to know that I’m not alone in these thoughts and I’m not just losing my mind…… pls

[davilasinfiltro]

Badboyhalo gets advice from Reddit

Bad panics after Skeppy releases Best Friend and decides to ask for relationship advice on Reddit because he doesn’t know who else to turn to

979 words

r/relationship_advice u/throwaway132166922

My (M29) best friend (M23) made a song about me and I don’t know how to feel about it.

I don’t even know why I’m doing this. I’m so paranoid about anyone finding out who I am but I frequent this subreddit a lot and can't find anyone who is in the same situation as me. I also don’t know who I can even talk to about this since we have a lot of mutual friends. If this gets too much traction I’m deleting it quickly, here goes nothing >_<

Here’s the context, me and my friend have known each other online for a while and have been friends for around 4 years (my friends poke fun that we have our ‘anniversary’ memorized but I digress.) We’ve half heartedly been making plans to meetup for the past few years. What can I say? I don’t like leaving the house and never really had the urge to meet any of my online friends. I’d argue that you could have a meaningful relationship with someone and never meet them irl. Anyways, I never took these conversations too seriously. I would always say I’m not ready yet, it’s too close to the holidays, who’s going to take care of my dog? The one time we did have concrete plans I was sick with covid and I had a long recovery. And we just never followed up with a reschedule.

I never knew how much this affected my friend until he wrote this sort of… rap and produced it with one of our mutual friends. He insults me, saying I have a massive ego, I’m a psycho, it’s my fault I made him ‘feel blue,’ and immediately backtracks and compliments me. There’s another lyric that says I’m pushing him away and if I’m hiding something? This part I have to quote verbatim because it’s the part I understand the least,

“I can’t really say my true intentions

It’s all just miscommunication

Please don’t take it the wrong way

I love you dude and I hope we’re okay”

And that’s how it ends. Meanwhile, I had no clue my friend was having this type of conflicting feelings about me. Or how much us meeting up meant to him. Yeah maybe we’d go from talking every day to messaging each other only semi frequently but that’s just the evolution of a friendship right? We were both getting busier as our respective careers became more time-consuming but that’s nobody’s fault, is it? I know I should apologize to him for never taking his requests for us to meetup too seriously but I think there’s something else under the surface.

Does he want to confess to me? I keep going back to that lyric, “I can’t really say my true intentions.” He’s pretty much ripped his heart out on this song but there’s /one/ thing he can’t say to me? Does it have to do with him wanting to preserve our friendship, that it’ll be strained in some way if he confesses? I don’t know what gives him that impression, a lot of our friends are lgbt+. Heck, a lot of them make jokes that we like each other already. Anyways, there shouldn’t be anything deterring him from confessing if that’s what he is trying to do. Or not trying to do.

Any advice is appreciated. I still haven’t said anything to him directly since he made that song.

u/amycat1203

Whatever you two have going on is gayer than any gay person I know irl

-> Reply u/throwaway132166922

If I had a nickel for every time I heard that -_-

u/justadudelmao

This is too outrageous to be fake, so I’m trying to take this seriously. It sounds like y’all have some shit to talk out in person. If the next message you send him isn’t a confirmation for a plane ticket you’re the problem

-> Reply u/throwaway132166922

If I travel to him it won’t be by plane, I have a phobia. But you’re right :/ I need to make it up to him soon if this is how he feels about us not meeting up

u/matchmakingismypassion

Maybe he has reason to believe you wouldn’t want him to confess to you. How do you react to the jokes your friends make about you together? Do you even reciprocate any possible romantic feelings to him?

->Reply u/throwaway132166922

It’s complicated, early on in our friendship he’d flirt with me as a troll and I’d always politely turn him down. I’ve known about him for so long, even before he was 18. I wasn’t comfortable indulging in this kind of joke. So even if he was 19 when he made these comments, he felt too young for me. He grew out of it and eventually we were inseparable as best friends, to the point that our mutual friends would tease us. Both of us would casually deny anything to our friends but honestly, I wouldn’t mind dating him if he made the first move. But you understand why I can’t make the first move, right?

->Reply u/matchmakingismypassion

To me it sounds like he shouldn’t make the first move either if all he’s ever heard from you is rejection. Especially if you can’t even make the effort to meetup, something he obviously wants from you. He made the song as a plea to start an open dialogue, and that starts with you bud.

u/skephalofan141414

EVERYONE. THIS STORY IS FAKE. This is some guy pretending to be Badboyhalo about the song Skeppy made called “Best Friend” on youtube. You’re a weirdo trying to karma farm off of a story that isn’t yours to tell

->Reply u/thisteaishotaf

Who??? Link please???

->Reply u/skephalofan141414

https://youtu.be/skDch34PtEM?si=Usxbm6LXisq9xWCD

->Reply u/thisteaishotaf

Why the fuck would his friend post this on a minecraft channel LMAO