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rotandguts · 1 year

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✶ ┄ YOU WEREN’T MINE TO LOSE

danny (evil dead rise) x fem!reader,

part one of the ‘august’ series.

camp map

summary: the first week back at camp is never easy, but it definitely doesn’t help matters that your lifelong rival and ‘mortal enemy’ is there. both picked as camp counsellors, you’re forced to work together for the good of the camp, but that doesn’t mean you have to like each other.

word count: 10k+

content: SUMMER CAMP AU, rivals/enemies to lovers, implications of transphobia, mentions of bullying, slowburn, angst, mentions of alcohol/intoxication/underaged drinking, mentions of sex, mentions of divorce and abandonment, hints of david allen (evil dead 2013) x fem!reader, some people may be quite OOC?

A/N: EEEEEEK, this is going to be a long one but will be split up into chapters. btw i have no clue what danny’s actual last name is so for the sake of this story its bixler bc that's what beth’s confirmed name is okay? I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO LONG LMAO part 2 and 3 will take very long also okay okay i’m so sorry pls enjoyyyyyy xoxo

publishing date ― july 21st 2023 | © rotandguts

✶

The winding road on the way to camp was claustrophobic, your first year driving there yourself. You prayed you were still on the right route, your phone’s GPS struggling to update after losing service a while back.

The sight of the endless rows of green trees was becoming redundant, the charm of the wilderness already wearing off on you upon the second hour of your journey. Eyes on the road, you slurped on the blue raspberry Slusho you picked up at a gas stop mid-journey. Savouring the cool syrup induced taste in the summer heat, windows down and car speakers blaring.

A large wooden sign came into view, confirming your path and indicating the end of the long journey. Engraved on the sign was:

CAMP KANDAR

est. 1959

You have gone past this sign every year since you were 8 years old. Initially reluctant to attend, you grew to truly love the place. You giggled at the thought that they almost had to pull you kicking and screaming from the car when you realised you would be remaining there for a little over a month the first ever time you arrived. How times had changed seeing as you were now willingly returning as an adult.

Camp Kandar was just outside Los Angeles, a safe hub to send your kids away to learn what the outside world was like at a reasonable price.

If you imagine what your ideal slasher sleepaway camp would look like from a 70s horror film, Kandar probably looked exactly like it. You were surprised that in all the years of running it no one had actually died there, as far as you were aware anyway.

There were rumours and myths of the camp being built over an ancient castle. Or maybe it was a burial ground? It changed every few years when new counselors got to tell their own version of the myth to the young campers.

This actually would be your first year as a counselor at the camp, it was either this or spending more time slaving away at your job in the local Henrietta’s pizza. You could no longer bare the daily heat and stench of the pizza kitchen, especially during summer.

Hands from distant figures you couldn’t make out waved at you on arrival. Your car finishes its journey in the parking lot beside a Buick Roadsmaster at the child and parent drop off point. You furrow your brows, the campers weren’t meant to arrive for another 2 days.

Exiting the car, you take a moment to breathe in and embrace your new home for the next few weeks, your summer sanctuary for over the past decade greeting you like an old friend. Thick, moist summer sweetness so rife in the air that it makes you feel almost sick to your stomach.

The first thing on your itinerary was to collect your uniform from the camp reception, which you were sure you’d be manning at some point during your time working there. You thought of all the things you’d be able to do now as a counselor, buzzing around the prospect of sneaking out late to whatever party they’d always throw near the old cabin. None of the younger campers were invited, only hearing fabled tales of wild goings on from the distant music and laughter in the night.

Camp director Williams definitely knew about the extracurricular goings on at the camp, and while he took no nonsense, he knew that kids just want to have fun. It’s what made him such a great leader, although the shotgun on the wall above his desk definitely kept campers on edge.

With your case trailing behind you and your backpack hanging casually from your shoulder, you set off towards the camp reception. The building clearly needed a refresher, certain letters in the sign slightly faded due to time and the wood of the steps creaking to a cautious extent under your feet.

Doors swing open, eyes flicker to you. A woman with long red hair stands at the desk with her back to you, obviously in distress talking to director Williams, her arms flailing with hushed whispers.

“Oh great. And you’re here, now. My day just gets better.”

And him.

You turn around and there he is, bags slung on the floor, leaning against the wall with a Nintendo Switch in hand.

Danny Bixler-Sutherland, your worst nightmare.

You had met him that first ever year at camp, becoming close friends after you were assigned to share a bunk. But something shifted in both of you, you were unsure when it all really started. You were both naturally competitive at the group activities from a young age and usually always sorted onto different teams, you always wondered if your competitive playing style drove a wedge in between you both.

Director Williams places a hand on her arm in comfort, “Please, we’ve known each other for how many years now? You know you can call me Ash, Ellie. We can just get bunks sorted for them until moving in day and then sort out proper accommodation. Means they’re not alone in the cabin.” He began to walk towards you, shifting the woman to face you. It was Danny’s mother, Ellie with a striking hair dye job.

Danny had always been in your dormitory growing up, until he came out and his mom fought tooth and nail to get him transferred to the boys dorm. He was popular around camp and people adjusted to the news quickly. But, there were of course a handful of dickheads that treated him like shit because of it. Director Williams put great measures in place to ensure none of them bothered Danny again, some of them being kicked out of camp. You had always wondered if that shotgun had been involved in Williams’ interrogation of them, you hoped it had.

Ever since the summer when the championship was determined to be a tie after you and Danny broke into a fight during the last challenge, you’d been at each other’s necks at almost every possible second.

However, deep down you had an inkling that it all really had something to do with a night that same year, around five or six years ago when a small group of the pre-teen campers, including the both of you, snuck out to camp in the woods.

It had been a largely uneventful night, the excitement in the moment mainly fuelled by the breaking of rules. By the end of the night it had become apparent that despite the bunks in their dorms not being the comfiest, they sure beat the makeshift tents and dusty forest floor.

But the shift in the air was clear. You went into those woods that night, hoping for a last chance of that closeness so present in your youth. By the time you left in the morning and returned to your respective dorms, you barely spoke.

Both of you may have been at each other's necks at the best of times, but insulting each other's appearances or anything personal was a line you both silently agreed to never ever cross. You remembered overhearing bitchy whispers from some of the girls in the cafeteria about him when he first appeared with short hair pre-transition, and you took great pleasure in cutting their hair that night when they were sleeping.

When the girls reported you to the director he had simply shrugged and said, “Talk shit, get hit girls. First rule in the book.”

And it’s not like he wouldn’t do the same for you. Some of the boys had been teasing you, more specifically teasing your figure, behind your back. Low and behold, you had heard that Danny took the charge when standing up for you. It was little things like that that meant you could never truly hate him, and same for him about you.

It was kind of like, the only people that could be mean to you both were the two of you. It was endearing in a way that you would rather die than to admit outloud, a sign of respect from your former friendship.

“Is this a bad time?” You question Danny, feeling like you’ve walked in on something you shouldn’t have but not wanting to pester director Williams until he ends his conversation. “Every place you exist in is a bad time.” Danny remarks, concentration still fully on the games console in front of him.

“That’s a low blow even for you, someone woke up on the wrong side of bed today, Mr Crankypants?” You retaliate, readjusting the weight of your backpack.

“You’re a little too old for camp, scout.” That was his nickname for you ever since you were younger. Without context it seemed almost endearing, but the reality of it drove you crazy.

In an attempt to impress an older counselor years ago, you had told a little white lie that you were a scout with all the training. This was a lie you kept up for almost the full time at camp, and doubled down on it on most days. On a hike, one kid began to have an asthma attack and the responsibility of helping them was promptly put on you by the panicking teen counselor.

Luckily, the kid was completely fine but it became apparent to everyone that you not only were not a scout but had zero knowledge in first aid training. No one had really cared, the counselor got in trouble for their negligence and own lack of first aid knowledge. Everyone went back to their normal jokes the next week after a spot of light torment from your fellow campers.

But you cared. It was just one of those borderline traumatic cringe moments in your life that you wish you could forget. And Danny, who was on the hike that day, knew that.

“Yeah I could say the same to you, DJ Dan.” He grimaced, slamming the console down on the reception desk.

“Jesus H Christ, how many years now with you both and you’re still doing this shit?” Ash wiped his brow of sweat, Ellie’s eyes fluttering between the two of you.

“Hey, Y/N. Good summer?” She smiled. You’d known the woman in passing for the same time you’d known Danny. She had definitely been on the receiving end of many phone calls about your behaviour towards each other, and your perhaps even worse behaviour towards others while acting in defence of one another.

Smiling and nodding back to her, “Yeah great so far, thanks - yours?” Despite trying to keep her smile, for a second her face flickered with something unreadable, Danny nervously shifted, eyes bouncing to his sisters in the corner of the room. They were so quiet you had failed to notice them sitting there.

“Same old, I guess.” Her hands clutching her car keys tighter. “How are your parents?”

If you were being honest, you didn’t know the answer to that.

“They’re fine. Same old, I guess.” You gripped the strap of your backpack a little tighter too. Your parents, while not mega rich, had a good bit of money. Most of your life, you’d spent much of your time without them or with a nanny. Summer was great because it meant going on holiday with them somewhere, anywhere. Until they realised they could hire a nanny in the form of Camp Kandar for the entire summer that was far cheaper and even further away from them.

Ellie politely nodded, before approaching the girls. “It’s just two days extra, right? I’ll be there to pick you all up the first second I can and bring you home.” Bridget nods, the older of the two. Kassie looked pained for a moment. Danny began to walk over, finally leaving his haunt, sitting beside Kassie and holding her small hand in his own.

“But what’s gonna happen? Are we even gonna have a home?” The youngest Bixler sibling clung to a pole with a doll's head stuck on top of it, you elected to ignore it as Ash pulled you to the side.

“Here’s the uniform, good thing you got here when you did ‘cause you and Danny took the last of that size.” Your eyes widened at his statement as Ash continued on. Danny, still holding Kass’ hand, glared at you with a twisted smile.

This confirmed the worst, he wasn’t here for a brief visit to drop off his sisters like you’d prayed, he would be a camp counselor too.

“Rota will get sorted by tonight, but all that’s really needed is some clean up jobs around camp before we open. You’re sharing with Mia in Cabin 13.” Your face lit up. Like Danny, Mia and her older brother David had been attending the camp since you were young. David, being two years older than her, became a counselor when he turned 18. You didn’t know if she would be returning this summer to do the same, the last time you’d texted she seemed reluctant to return.

“Great. Happy to do that.” Danny rolled his eyes at your enthusiasm. “Suck up.” He muttered. You chose to ignore him.

You set off towards Cabin 13, ensuring you got the first pick of the beds.

The cabin itself was small and pokey, compared to some of the other larger counselor cabins which resembled camper quarters with bunks. Considering the added privacy that came with having only one roommate, especially a roommate you were close with, the size of the cabin was fine with you.

When you arrived, you found the cabin cork board already decorated with pictures and the left bed claimed with a sports bag emptied out on the sheets. You couldn’t even waste time being dismayed that you got there second, not when you could hear Mia singing in the shower. You began unpacking everything you could and changing into your new uniform, the faster you got settled in the quicker you could get on with the fun activities.

When Mia had eventually got out of the bathroom, dark long hair damp with her new uniform on (a green and white t-shirt with the camp logo on it), she squealed as soon as she saw you.

Mia Allen was 5’2 and looked probably around 7 pounds soaking wet, give or take. Ever since she was little she’d been much smaller than the others, but what she lacked in size she made up for in her quick wit and snappy attitude.

And plus, it certainly helped that she had an older brother that could only be described as totally swoon worthy.

While at times sardonic and off putting, she was your best friend at the camp and had been for many years. Both of you being placed in the same dorm each year led to a sense of familiarity with you both. You knew each other’s habits better than anyone.

Others viewed her as troubled, with rumours of past years involving her using drugs on camp grounds or going apeshit on other campers - but you knew better. She had experienced her fair share of bad times in her life, mostly as a way of dealing with her sick mom, should she be punished for them forever? You definitely didn’t think so.

“Thank GOD Williams listened to my roomie request, I almost thought I was gonna get stuck with Olivia.” She bounces on you and embraces you within a death grip.

“I thought you and Olivia were friends?” The older girl was a medical student now but still returned each summer to help, she’d hung around you both growing up. She loved to follow the rules, with no exception or nuance to them. However, Olivia was without a doubt the most responsible of all the counselors and it meant the staff didn’t need to train her in first-aid every year.

“Um, yeah, of course we are. But I’d rather choke on my own vomit than have little miss campus police as my bunkmate. She does her own room inspections every week, David says no one even asks her to do them.” Mia rolls her eyes, going over to her bedside cabinet to put some perfume on.

“Fair enough, I’m so happy to see you. I seriously thought I’d be the only one coming back this year.” Running a hand through your hair, you watched her lean into your shared mirror and put on her earrings.

“I know, you need to tell me everything that’s happened since I last saw you. Oh my god, so much shit has happened with my mom it’s fuckin crazy, man.” She began to apply lipgloss. “Tell me about it on the way to initiation, I didn’t realise the time already!” You grab her wrist, pulling her from the cabin.

“Slow the fuck down! Listen, they won’t start without us, and we’re like two minutes away.” Mia halted your speed, wrapping an arm around your shoulder.

In the distance you could see Danny and some of the others heading towards the campfire area, or as the campers called it, The Pavilion. His head flew back with laughter at something a girl you didn’t recognise said.

“Not you literally gawking at your boy-toy.” Mia murmured, making you turn to look at her with furrowed brows. “What?”

“Yeah, you heard me. And don’t think I’m talking about Eric or Pablo, ‘cause I’m not.” She pulled out a carton of cigarettes from the pocket of her shorts, offering you one. You politely turn it down with a shake of the hand, “Maybe later.”

“This whole uhhhh I hate you so much uhhhhh I hate you too charade is so 2018. Like I wish you’d just give it a rest already and fuck it out.” Mia struggles to keep the cigarette in her mouth as she acts out her impressions of you both before lighting it. You almost choke on her words.

“What the fuck, Mia! Not cool!“

“I am literally right! Don’t think I’ve forgotten that whole truth or dare bullshit from last year.” The smaller girl took a long drag and shifted her weight on her feet, hand resting on a tree beside her.

“You shouldn’t be smoking out in the open like this - at least do it in the cabin with the shower on.” You roll your eyes and begin to power ahead to the Pavilion. “A-HA, don’t try and change the subject with me missy because you know I am not that bitch to be messed with.” Mia begins to chase after you, almost tripping while stealing glances around to make sure no one actually catches her in the act.

“Mia, I think you should quit while you’re ahead. You know my feelings towards that boy and you know none of them are pleasant.” Halting and turning to face her, she does the same with slightly more unbalanced, disjointed movements.

She takes a puff, “Yeah, I thought I knew your feelings. And then you said what you said.” She wasn’t giving up easily.

“I don’t remember what I said.”

“Bull-fucking-shit, this is like pathological liar level. You’re gaslighting me, man!” She waves her arms around manically with wide eyes, obviously trying to tease you. Giving her one last begging look, she stubs the cigarette out. “Fine. But we’re talking about this later.”

With that, she powers on in front of you. It’s as if the nicotine has given her enough energy to run a marathon as she determinedly stomps towards the campfire.

That game of truth or dare had been a drunken mishap at the secret end of year party. You had both managed to score an invite thanks to David, and by association Danny had been invited by Eric. Olivia was too buzzed on wine coolers to feel the need to kick you out, so you managed to spend most of the night there. Mia’s drunk alter-ego ‘the Abomination’ eventually appeared which led to you and David escorting her back to the girls dorm in the early hours.

You had been asked by a drunken Mia, the absolute fucking menace that she was, if you had to spend a night in bed with any of the boys who would it be? Immediately without thinking, in your own intoxicated state, you answered Danny.

Before you could even realise the deeper implications of the question, you immediately attempted to justify your answer by stating that you had shared a bunk for years and didn’t kill each other during that time.

She had teased you in front of the entire group, in your own state of embarrassment you had failed to notice Danny’s wide eyes and rosy cheeks.

But the teasing was over quickly with Mia throwing her entire guts up in front of everyone, leading David to jump back onto his feet and promptly drag her from the scene, requesting that you help carry her legs.

What you’d failed to tell Mia, tell anyone for that matter, is that despite your answer to her question, you and David shared a kiss.

It was behind the cabin after you both dragged her back in her drunken state, you hoped all its occupants would be sound asleep. He’d looked at you with a glimmer in his eye, his testing patience, seeing who would make the first move.

Both of you had been dangerously towing a flirtatious line all summer, a line that you’d been tiptoeing on for probably the past nine years prior.

It had never ever been a possibility before, you were his kid sister’s best friend. You were just you. But here he was looking at you like that.

Do you regret it in hindsight? Sure, but you hardly remember it. Your heart was beating so fast you thought it might break out of your chest like that little creature from Alien. The moist summer air of the early morning clinging to your skin, a strong hand on the low of your back. Pressed tight chest to chest, a forbidden taste.

You jumped apart at the sound of the snapping of sticks by god knows what.

You parted with wide eyes and uncertainty rising in your chest. He placed a gentle hand on your cheek.

“I’ll speak to you tomorrow, yeah?” You nodded, a smile growing. The start of something new blossoming.

David and Mia were gone by the time you woke up, you had assumed David had driven them off specifically so you both didn’t need to address any drunken awkwardness from the previous night. Mia wouldn’t have opposed, with her hangover probably kicking in tenfold.

All that was left in his departure was a letter saying that he’d see you next summer and that you should call him when you got home if you wanted to pick up where you left off, with a phone number left under the statement. You text the number, leaving him with a message.

hey david,

last night was a mistake. it was a plain and simple heat of the moment mistake - as much as I’d like to start again, i can’t do that to mia.

You sent ‘i’m sorry.’ when you didn’t receive a reply after a month.

Quite frankly, you were dreading seeing him far more than Danny. With Danny at least, you knew that whatever you had said last year had gone right past his head (or atleast you thought it had). Danny wouldn’t pass up an opportunity to make you squirm, surely?

Honestly, now that you had been able to think it through - you wouldn’t be opposed to starting where you left off with David, the whole him being your friend’s brother thing aside. He was handsome, kind, and popular around camp. He’d looked out for you since, like, forever and you trusted him. If you were searching for a summer fling David would certainly be your go-to.

But whatever. If nothing happened, nothing happened, especially after the text you sent him. You could play this totally cool, right? It was just David. Stupidly hot David, with his constant tan and his almost annoyingly unwavering warm demeanour. You still remembered the first time you saw that smile. You were eight and he was ten, you fell down and scraped your knee during a group activity. He ran to you before any counsellors could even get to you.

“You’re okay.” A hand reached out, you grabbed it. And there was that smile. A smile you could trust. Yeah, maybe you were gonna be okay.

It was undeniable how he made you feel. Your legs turned to jelly everytime you laid eyes on him, you felt like such a ditz. But the presence of Mia complicated everything. You couldn’t do that to her. It would be too weird. Unless, you kept it a secret? A secret summer fling could be exactly what you need. Why did you have to send that damn text?

But then ultimately, he was just safe. Despite his attractiveness, all of the passion of the fling would be mostly fuelled by his relation to Mia, and if you’re being honest that was a line you did not want to cross with her. If she even found out that you both had kissed it’d be game over.

You’re snapped out of your thoughts by Mia calling your name.

“Are you even listening? Wait up, I have little legs!” She was significantly behind you now, struggling to keep up with your pace as you unconsciously powered ahead in front of her. “Sorry Mia, my inner volume was too loud, I guess.”

She squints, smirks before tapping your arm. “Yeah and we all know exactly who you’re thinking about.” Your eyes widen.

“Dann-”

“No.”

Barging past her again, the Pavilion now in sight, both of you being the only two left to arrive.

While the overall area has rows of structured seating comparable to wooden bleachers facing a stage, for more intimate occasions such as this there were stools placed closer to the stage.

“Fashionably late as always, you too. First strike.” Ash attempted to chase away flies with his prosthetic hand, shooting her a stern look. “Hey- what the hell? What happened to a friendly camper hello?” She resigned herself to the first tree stump available in front of you, beside her brother. You could only see his back and still you could feel the butterflies going wild inside you.

“You forfeit that when you come back here as a counselor. You’re being paid for this, this is a job. Stay. On. Time.” You swallow, taking the seat near Danny. He’s whispering something to Eric, but your eyes still meet.

Neither of you break but both of you wonder who will be the first to.

You pick up on things that have changed since last summer. His hair, chestnut again after a brief bleach blonde stint. You didn’t know what he suited more, you liked both.

You almost mentally slapped yourself for thinking that. But it was hard to not think how actually kinda attractive Danny was in staring competition moments like this. His eyes had such a mischievous glint in them that begged you for more, egged you on like what you were doing was so, so wrong.

Your cheeks grow heated and you can’t bare to stare any longer, losing the silent game.

“Okay, Bridget and Kassie will be staying here with us a few days early. That’s okay. Just make sure you’re on best behaviour at all time big kids, make sure you’re doing your job and looking after the little ones.” Bridget rolls her eyes at his words. She’s fifteen and thinks she can take on the world single handedly. Kassie looks a little less sure, resigning herself to staring at the ground and kicking some wood chippings at her feet.

“Cheryl, you wanna take it from here?” Director Williams turns to his sister, who appears by his side. “Sure thing, I’ve sorted the camp rota.”

You glance back at Danny, his eyes still on you. He smirks. You feel like you’re on fire. Turning away from him again to look where you had been so desperately avoiding, you see David glance at you. He smiles softly when he realises you’ve caught him, sending a slight wave. You don’t hesitate to return it, hearing a Danny sounding scoff coming from the opposite direction.

Cheryl goes over your duties for the next few weeks, you’re placed in arts and crafts with Mia and Danny. And a new girl who’d never attended this camp prior, Natalie. You assumed it was the girl walking with Danny earlier, now sitting timidly beside Eric.

Great.

Mia you could handle, and you could probably even handle Danny alone too. But Mia’s unrelenting urge to tease you for your misspoken words and Danny’s eyes that seemingly bore into your soul at every chance was going to be a challenge in combination.

Your face must’ve immediately read your exasperation, as Cheryl reassured “Don’t worry, usually it’ll just be two of you in for activities. You guys will be mixed and matched.” Your shoulders sunk in relief, not even realising how tense you had suddenly become.

Your ear is met with the soft whisper of Danny. “Don’t look too excited.”

“Bite me.” You hiss back, he grins with wild eyes, like he enjoys the way you’re speaking to him.

“Hey assholes! And I can call you that now because you’re adults. I better see no fighting, no nothing, or else this year - got it?” More Ash than director Williams warns, you nod.

“I’ll try sir, but she’s the issue.” The boy points at you, false sincerity in his voice. You bite your tongue, giving Ash a look that portrays your frustration.

“Whatever. Seriously, I’m watching you two.” Ash points at the both of you, Danny rolls his eyes. Eric and Mia make a quiet ‘ooooooooh’ noise and then laugh at their accidental timing.

Eric was the same age as David, and his childhood best friend, although you had noticed that they had drifted apart. He was as sarcastic as they come, but knew when to shut up and be serious. He’d been growing out his hair for the past few summers, it now resting just at his collarbone.

He’d taken Danny under his wing when he got moved to the boy’s dorm, it was common that one would be seen the other around camp.

After a few more ground rules were laid out, Ash reminded you that you are now the adults in charge and that any responsibility will be put on you.

“Oh and by the way. This is Natalie, she’s new. I know you all grew up together but please make her feel welcome, yeah?” Cheryl put her hand on the girl’s shoulder, Natalie waving timidly.

She was so effortlessly pretty you didn’t know if you wanted to cry or roll your eyes.

With that, you were free to spend the last night free before your jobs started the next day. As everyone was departing, you notice David eyeing the new girl, who stands like a spare prick as Cheryl inaudibly talks to her. He leaves with Pablo and Olivia after taking a second glance.

There’s those damn butterflies again.

Mia wraps an arm around you and drags you in the opposite direction, heading to your own cabin. You pass Danny, who winks before sending you a sarcastic kiss. You respond with a middle finger.

—

The first few days go smoothly, managing to stay out of any drama. Everyone is seemingly too tired to really interact with each other outside of your shared meals in the mess hall, all of you still adjusting to being in a foreign home.

Drop off day was longer and more tedious than the previous days, an earlier rise than the already early mornings at Camp Kandar. Buses filling the parking lot, hurried parents ushering kids out of cars, kisses goodbye. A floury of campers old and new dragging their luggage behind them in the chaos of sorting cabins. Camp reception was even more packed than before with parents handing off medication and bus drivers piling up all the forgotten items from their respective vehicles.

When the kids arrived, you were kind of ecstatic, seeing everybody arrive from a different angle than you ever had before, remembering how nervous you had been each year on drop-off day.

The camp entrance itself, aside from the parking lot and reception, welcomed campers in with a large arch that displayed the camp’s name proudly. From here, past the reception, led to a large open ground shaped in a circle.

If you kept walking straight, the mess hall was in front with extra benches set up outside for the good weather. To the left, through the trees were the camper dorms. Scattered throughout the many acres, it was common for the little ones to get lost.

Just beyond that were the staff and counselor cabins, with Ash’s being the furthest out of them all. On the opposite end of the camp was the activity field and the lake. It was pretty simple to get around, but the prospect of getting lost in the surrounding woods was intimidating.

Bridget ran towards a group of teens, who welcomed her with open arms. It was odd to think that in a few years they potentially would be the camp counsellors, and you and your peers would be off in the world doing all types of grown up shit. Goodbye adolescence forever.

Your heart dropped when you saw Kassie standing to the side awkwardly, clutching her stick with the doll head on it. For the past few days she had kind of kept to herself while Bridget had helped with the bigger jobs setting up camp. Slowly approaching her, you decided to strike up a conversation.

“Cool doll, what’s it’s name?” You gently poked it, her face lighting up at someone talking to her. Because she was little, it was hard for her to be included like her older sister aside from odd jobs Ash would send her on. Things like sending her to the Pavilion to find the biggest pine cone, or seeing how many laps she could do around the activity grounds.

“Staffanie. I made her, so she can protect me, and scare off anything scary in the woods. Danny says there’s monsters here.” Kassie explains timidly, a shy smile growing slowly.

“She’s cool, hiya Staffanie.” You return the smile, she waves the doll head as if to make her say hello.

“She says hello back.” After a nice lull, she turns to watch a group of kids her own age stand and talk to each other, obviously knowing each other outside of camp.

“I was really scared my first year here too.” You bend down to get to her level. “Really?”

“Yeah, really, it was super hard at first. But then I met Mia and it was all okay.” The little girl looks doubtful. “I don’t know, I think people think I’m weird.”

“Well that makes two of us kiddo. Listen, you’ve got Danny and Bridget to help you out,” Before you can finish she interjects. “That doesn’t count, they're related to me.”

She was right technically. “Yeah, but they’re not required to be nice to you, are they? David and Mia are related and they barely hang out.” You point towards them, on opposite sides of the area, David calming down a crying mother clutching onto her uninterested child. Mia was poking the ground with a stick.

“I guess.” Kassie was still hesitant, head racing with thoughts of what was really going on back home. Her mom thought she’d done enough to protect her from the startling reality of the impending divorce, and in a way she had. Kassie was sure that everything would be fine between her parents, only really worrying about losing their family home.

But even the thought of being at this camp, making no friends and then coming back to nothing was terrifying to the young girl. And it was a reality that a girl her age shouldn’t have to face.

“Kassie, I’m gonna be brutally honest with you. I think you’re gonna have the best summer ever.”

After a moment, Kassie turned with a smile. “You really think so?” You couldn’t help but return it. “I know so, pal.”

It was harrowing, it was like seeing your younger self in a way. Coming here was no easy feat. Sure, the activities were nice and you settled in eventually, but that scary feeling doesn’t really go away even after all these years.

“I’m Kassie, by the way.”

“I’m Y/N.”

Her face lit up. “Wait, I know who you are!”

“Well we have spent the last few days together so I did hope that you would have known my name by now honestly-”

“You’re the girl Danny always talks about! You’re his friend!” Kassie kind of bounces around, her new found enthusiasm infectious but her statement alarming. Not wanting to burst her bubble after seeing her so gloom for the past few days, with a stiff smile you offer a nod.

“I remember all the stories from when you used to share a bunk! Wow, I hope I get a bunk mate just like you!” You aren’t quite sure what she’s talking about, as most of your time bunking with Danny involved arguing about his snoring and your constant shifting above him.

“Yeah, fingers crossed.” You mimicked your own words, she copied you.

“And I can teach them the secret bunk code that you taught Danny, ‘cause Danny taught me!” A stab in the heart. You’d forgotten about that.

You developed a quiet knocking, humming and scraping system to have conversations with each other. It’d been one of those silly kid things you just stop thinking about when you have your first kiss or learn to drive. You can’t really even remember what you used to talk about in the quiet moments of the night when you weren’t bickering.

“We taught each other, just like you and your bunk mate will make up new words. Just go with the flow and you’ll have a great time.”

Kassie nods, more than cheered up from the conversation. “I’ll remember that. Gosh, I hope I get put on your team for the games!”

“Yeah, me too kiddo.” A girl around Kassie’s age stands alone at the drop off point just beyond the arch of Camp Kandar. Her eyes scan the scene in front of her, campers overwhelmingly conversing in their individual cliques. Nudging Kassie, you point in her direction.

“Why not go say hi to her? I think it might be her first day too.” The youngest Bixler-Sutherland sibling nods, and takes a deep breath.

“Kass, if it doesn’t go well I’m right here.” You crouch to her level, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. You knew exactly what she was thinking right now, as if this one interaction would determine her ability to make friends this summer.

With one last optimistic look, she trots off with Staffanie in tow.

“You givin’ my sister your shitty advice?” Danny’s voice catches you off guard, him appearing behind you as you watch Kassie from afar.

“Better than anything you’ve offered her the past few days clearly.” You don’t bother to turn to look at him, but you can feel his chin almost hovering in the crook of your left shoulder. His body, while not at all touching yours, feels close.

“Ouch, scout. And here I thought you were giving me flirty eyes at the first meeting the other day.”

“You fucking wish, Bixler.” He seems unfazed at your use of only one of his last names. In the distance, Kassie seemed to be explaining Staffanie to the other girl, who giggled and pet the doll head awkwardly.

Turning your head to face him, you’re almost caught off guard at how close he is.

“Kassie was talking about all the stories you’ve been telling about me.” His eyes flash with alarm for a moment, you have to stop yourself from laughing at the sight. Danny’s attempt to catch you off guard disrupted by your own secret weapon.

“Just the shit from when we were kids, before you become an intolerable bitch.” He stepped back, strutting in front of you.

“Well atleast I’m a bitch and not a complete moron, like you.” He sucks in a breath and scoffs. “This moron’s gonna beat your ass in the challenge teams this year.”

“Not if we’re on the same team, dipshit.”

“Pablo told Eric who told me that you’re in red team. I’m blue team, scout.” He circles you like a shark smelling blood for the first time, your eyes stay trained on him.

“How the fuck does Pablo know? Why would director Williams or Cheryl put us on opposite teams? Isn’t that just begging for trouble?” Your hands raise to rest on your hips, fists clenching.

“‘Cause maybe Pablo’s tight with Ash and Ash sorts the teams ‘cause Cheryl does rota. I was in red team but Eric asked to swap places and I said yes so I could be on the opposite team from you.” This bastard, always testing you. Always looking for a fight. Always needing to win.

“Why the fuck would you do that?” Knuckles white, this was all going to backfire on you specifically.

His taunting grin begged you to lose your temper.

“‘Cause it makes us better. Why be just good at working together when we could be even better tearing each other apart?” There was that closeness thing again, him getting up in your personal space. This was all a stupid intimidation tactic and you weren’t going to let it slide.

“When director Williams calls it out he won’t let you switch, even if Eric asks.” Something was going on here, more than what he was letting on. His eyes take a dangerous glance at your lips, he was playing dirty.

It wasn’t like you thought of him in that way anyway, nor he with you surely. Ultimately, he infuriated you.

Though, anyone would admit he was in great shape. Chiselled jawline and soft blue eyes that would make anyone swoon. He was attractive and you had shared a bunk with him, it was inevitable you would potentially form a deep attachment to him, you supposed. It’s definitely not like you had thought about him in the heat of the night in the safety of your own room, miles and miles away from camp. It was a hundred percent not like you had ever, ever replayed your most heated debates in your head, thinking about how breathless he could make you feel.

Fuck Danny Bixler-Sutherland.

“Don’t be so sure, they can’t reject a team transfer as long as someone on the other team volunteers a switch, it's against camp rules.” He backed away, hands held up in surrender. That stupid fuckin grin still on his mouth.

“Plus, Mia would be a far better teammate than you.” And with that he leaves you.

You couldn’t get his words out of your head.

What the fuck was he planning? Would Eric stoop so low to be involved in some stupid plot to have you guys in prime fighting positions? What was he getting out of this?

Stumbling across the sea of new campers to get to Mia, a plan quickly trying to form in your head.

“Mia, I need to call in a favour.” She dropped the stick at the mention of her name, pretending that she had actually been busy the full time.

“Fuck no, baby.”

“Pretty, pretty please with a cherry on top?” Mia crossed her arms. “What is it?”

“You need to swap teams with me.”

“How do you know we’re on opposite teams?” Her position unchanging, eyes burning into your soul as if you were breaking the rules somehow.

“Danny might’ve let something slip, he’s in my team and wants to change with Eric so we can be competing, but I don’t wanna do that.” She glances over your shoulder at Danny’s current location, beginning to guide the campers to their assigned cabins.

“How does he know this?” You roll your eyes, scratching your forehead. “It’s a long story, but please Mia, I’m begging you - I need to beat him at his own game.”

Mia stands for a moment, watching the boy, before smiling and looking back at you.

“This is ‘cause you wanna spend more time with him isn’t it?”

“Whatever the fuck helps you sleep at night.” You cannot let her win this foolish debate she’s created in her head.

“Sure thing, I’ll swap I guess.”

—

You had completely zoned out of the induction campfire ceremony. It’s mandatory every year anyway, aimed at the campers specifically. You weren’t missing much. This team shit was driving you crazy, as soon as Ash coughed up that it was time for the counselor sorting ceremony you shot upright. Across the seating area you could see Eric nudge Danny, who barely acknowledged him.

“Okay guys, team red. Okay people here we go. Olivia, Y/N-”

“I wanna swap teams.” You stood up.

Some of the campers ooooooed at your exclamation, Olivia scoffed. “What’s so bad about my team?” You turned to her, apology written all over your face.

You couldn’t swap if you didn’t have someone to swap with, you knew this. But if Mia came in clutch then you also knew that Eric wanted to be on the red team for some reason, so no matter what he would swap with Danny.

“We’ve not even finished reading out the rest of your teammates.” Director Williams answers with an irritated tone, and honestly, rightfully so. You were being difficult.

“Blue is usually my team, c’mon Williams we know this.” Much to his chagrin, you are right. “Well, seeing as we’ve not even called out blue team members, how is anyone gonna swap with you?” All eyes on you, intimidating you more than you cared to admit.

Luckily, Mia came right to your rescue.

“I’ll swap with her.” She stands proud, like she’s testifying to the court.

The fingers on his prosthetic hand scratch his nose, for a second you wonder how it would feel to have such an appendage. His hand had been gone longer than you’d been alive apparently, the camp legend was that it got torn off by a bear in the camp outskirts when Ash was a counselor here himself.

“How the hell did you know you were on the other team?”

“Last year you warned us we spoke too much when we’re together at these things, I thought this year you’d want to keep us separated.” Mia’s excuse didn’t really make any sense, seeing as he had allowed them to share a cabin, but she was right in saying that when they were partnered up they did not shut the fuck up. “Red’s more my color anyway.”

The older man shrugged. “Swap accepted, I suppose.

That was that.

“Shall we continue? Okay, red team. Olivia, Mia, Danny, Sheila and Eric. C’mere.”

Your heart dropped.

What the actual fuck.

Even Mia turned to you in confusion as she began to walk down to the stage with the rest of her team.

Danny must have known all along that Eric wasn’t actually going to swap, he’d done this to throw you off his trail. If anything happens between you two it’s your fault for the switch over now.

But why? Why was he so desperate to manipulate you like that? If it had gone wrong at any point, if you had chosen to stay on the team, who would he have swapped with? Maybe Pedro was in on it too, but looking at him now he seemed even more zoned out than you were.

Danny’s eyes found yours in the crowd, you were instantly reminded of all the other types of shit like this he’d pulled in the years prior. You felt like a total idiot for causing a scene, tears threatening to fall.

“Blue team, let’s go! David, Y/N, Pedro, Natalie and Kelly.”

David. He’d completely slipped your mind.

Fuck this shit.

You couldn’t even turn to look at Danny through the rest of the sorting of the teams, not able to face his stupid smug face that you knew would be looking at you. Why did he have to be such a headfuck all the time?

The full thing kept playing on your mind even when you were back in your cabin with Mia. She was smoking a cigarette, leaning out of the bathroom window. Head in your hands, you sat on the closed lid of the toilet.

“Thank fuck we have our own toilets now, jesus, could you imagine only being able to use the fuckin shared one?”

“We still have to clean all the cubicles when it’s our shift, a private toilet just adds one more toilet onto that.”

She inhales the cigarette for a moment, letting it hit her lungs. Even with the window open it still stunk.

“Yeah, but like atleast it’s our toilet. I’d happily clean your piss on the daily over the combined piss of like 60 something kids.” Mia looks different with the moonlight on her face. Her eyes, kind of buggish normally, seem even bigger. Sometimes she looks like a different person, you think.

“From everything I know, I really thought he liked you.” She murmured, flicking the butt out the window when she finished. “I tried to warn you.” You look at her through your hands. She sinks down onto the tiled floor of the shower.

“Just so weird, right? Like what could he have gotten out of that?” Mia stares off to a point in the corner of the room, in contemplation. “I don’t even get why you don’t like each other. You both used to get along so well.”

You’d heard it all before, and your constant avoidance of the question came from the fact that quite honestly you didn’t even know how to answer it.

“All I know is that I’m gonna get him back tenfold.”

She smirks at you. “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.”

—

For your arts and crafts block that week, you’d been assigned with Natalie. She was nice enough, kind of quiet but sweet with the kids. She’d spent most of her time asking you where things were. As far as you could tell, she was older. Probably not by much, at least around the same age as Olivia, David and Eric. She was from Salt Lake City, which you thought was a little far to come all the way to camp, but you didn’t judge her too much for it. It’s good to get away from home sometimes.

Kassie had indeed been placed on your team. Telling her that you were confident that with her and Staffanie on the team, you’d beat anything her brother threw at you both earned a giggle from her.

Another surprise was Bridget being placed on your team. She kept to herself or her friends mostly, but was more outspoken than a lot of the other teens.

Bridget had been attending camp the past few years since she turned 8, so you were more familiar with her than Kassie. In saying that, the age gap did mean that neither of you had really spoken to each other, especially as you weren’t a counselor before.

Each week, the teams would participate in challenges. Kids would file into the pavilion in their respective team colours, carrying makeshift posters and signs they had made during arts and crafts.

Waves of red and blue lining the wooden bleachers, allowing you to zone out while Danny lingered in your line of vision.

A soft hand to the low of your back, you jump. David waits with a smile and a water bottle on offer.

“Hey.” You soften, tucking a loose hair behind your ear.

“Hey, barely got a chance to catch up with you

since we got here. How you doing, kiddo?” The hand moves to your shoulder, a tinge of disappointment rushing through you. Another nickname, albeit a well meaning one, but one you still held in disdain.

“Not too bad, I've been busy keeping your sister out of trouble.” He chuckles, the famous David Allen smile appears. “I don’t know what she’d do without you.”

An earnest pause, but also a dangerous one.

“Listen David-“

“About last summer-“ Interrupting each other before either could make their point, and yet both so obviously on the same wavelength. The kiss.

“You go first.” His arms fold in a polite defeat. God, the bastard just oozed charm.

“Just wanted to address what happened last summer, between us. Just incase you felt uneasy or something it doesn’t have to be anything big if you don’t want it to be.” Heat rising in your chest, you felt like a stupid idiot with a school girl crush.

As if he could read your own thoughts, David placed his hand on your forearm. “Don’t beat yourself up over it.”

Danny lingered from afar, no stranger to the occasional glance your way. He almost scowled when he saw your company.

You wanted to mention the text, you wanted to ask why he never said anything. Why he didn’t reply. But David simply rubbed your arm, “We don’t need to talk about it.”

A sigh escapes your lips, one you hadn’t even realised you were holding in. “Cool.”

The first challenge passes by fairly simply, despite Danny’s obvious attempts to wind you up. He was a competitive fucker, that’s for sure.

Team Blue manages to take the win for the night, with the kids chanting David’s name. He runs up to you, sweating profusely and yet managing to effortlessly appear like he was a vampire from Twilight instead of someone who just won a game of dodgeball.

“Great work kiddo, my second in command.” A grin appears, one that you can’t help but mimic knowing finewell that you spent the full game preoccupied with Danny.

From the corner of your eye, you could see Eric nudge Mia with a smug smile and whispered in her ear. She looked at you immediately and grinned, the worried pit immediately returned in your stomach.

She skips towards you, with Eric retreating to Danny who stands on the sidelines looking a bit misplaced.

“Guess who’s going to a party tonight?” Mia offers you two thumbs up and does a shuffling dance, that only manages to kick up dirt and makes you cough.

“The Abomination?”

“Okay, fuck you. Us! They’re having a party outside the woods. Dude, our own counselor party!” It had been something you’d spoken about for years, but you felt the effect had been lessened after last year's antics.

“I don’t know, Mia. I want to take this next challenge seriously and-”

“And what? All the tension from today will mean nothing when we’ll all be hungover tomorrow, group bonding?” You tried to find another excuse. “What about the kids?”

“Girl, fuck the kids! I want to party.” All you could do was answer with an awkward shrug, which she took for total defeat.

“YAAAAY. Okay, quick, we have like 2 hours to get ready-” Mia grabs your wrist and pulls you in the direction of your cabin, Danny standing on the hill watching you as you go by. If you weren’t so nervous about the prospect of being at the party with David and trying to listen to Mia, you’d think he was checking you out.

“You better be there, Scout!” Eric calls after you both as you pass, Danny’s head dipping beside him seemingly finding the ground extremely interesting right now. “Suck my ass, Eric!” He howled in response, earning a fit of laughter from you and Mia.

—

The winding path, illuminated with random lanterns left by partying campers long ago, seemed to go on forever. The prospect of getting absolutely shit faced at the end of the trail after a long week of ensuring the safety of screaming kids, patching up old equiptment and cleaning up actual shit was what kept the counsellors of Camp Kandar going.

The transition between the July weather and August’s own was usually indistinguishable, but tonight was particularly breezy. Regardless, the blazing campfire your colleagues crowded around gave a small amount of relief.

Cheap bottles of liquor and red solo cups, firebright light and wine coolers left discarded on the forest floor in favour of roaming hands on dancing teens. There was almost something melancholic about it all, one day they’d well and truly grow out of this forever. The fleeting fun of camp summer, the spontaneity of beers in the woods on a lukewarm summer night.

David strummed lazily on a dark cherry coloured guitar, you almost wanted to roll your eyes at how it looked like he’d stepped right out of a young adult rom com.

“I don’t get what you see in him.” Danny appears, housing a beer you can’t quite decipher the brand name of. You can feel his judgement despite his eyes also watching the older boy at the other side of the fire, unaware to his dueling voyeurs.

“What are you talking about?” He licked his lips, letting out a scoffing almost laugh at your reply.

“You never suited acting stupid, Scout. But then again, are as predictable as a Chainsmokers song.”

Fingers clenching around your cup filled with god knows what, how dare he? It took everything you had in you to show restraint and now throw its contains over his loose fitting tank top and cargo shorts. He was dressed like every female gaze dream skater boy forever immortalised on countless Pinterest boards - and yet you were the predictable one apparently.

“Why do you have to be such a fucking dick all of the goddamned time? You’re insane.”

“I’m not the one sleeping with my best friend’s brother.” Wide eyes snap to his, still burning holes into David’s skull across the fire with a tinge of unnoticed envy.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” The clench around the red cup switches from anger to fear. He could always read her better than anyone. He finally looks at you, his blue eyes somehow welcome despite the venom you shot at each other. A pit in your stomach started to burn as if someone was inside digging it themself.

“You know exactly what I’m talking about. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be getting this reaction. All I’ll say is don’t waste your time on him.” You could feel your eyes roll back, here he was backtracking trying to act like he was helping you again. No way were you falling for it again.

“I can spend time with whoever I want to. You’re just jealous that without alcohol I can’t hang around you without social distancing myself at all times.” You down the rest of your cup, just trying to keep your shaking hands preoccupied.

He shrugs. “Maybe I am.” His gaze shifts back to the rim of the beer. He contemplates copying your action and downing it as well. “Or maybe I just don’t give a shit ‘cuz I won’t even be around to see the fallout when you fuck it all up next year.”

Your turn to look at the boy again, taking in his frame for a moment. His hunched demeanour doesn’t read like he’s telling a joke or trying to wind you up.

“W-what?”

“Yeah, this is my last year. My parents are getting a divorce and my mom can’t afford to take us here anymore. And everything that was saved for my collage fund is getting put into the divorce. Surprise!” Danny uncannily laughs, clearly highlighting just how rotten the situation is.

“And it’s so fucked because we’re moving away and Bridge and Kass are leaving their entire lives behind and they’ll never get to experience this and they barely even know that we’re never going home again and it’s all just so so fucked-”

“Danny…. I didn’t know.”

“Yeah, why the fuck would you I don’t even know why I’m telling you this-” He starts to dab at his eyes and make a hurried exit before you reach out and grab his wrist.

When you look into his eyes you see that same boy from the first year you bunked together. The boy that was scared of the dark, the boy that was chatty and so eager to be outdoors yet scared of the wilderness. You see little Danny, all alone in the big bad scary world with no parents to really protect him, as much as his mom was trying. You felt like you couldn’t breathe. You never knew he was going through anything this serious.

“Wanna go on a walk right now?”

You expect him to tell you to fuck off and storm away, or cast some snarky remark about David. He just nods slowly. “Let me just tell Eric where I’m going.”

“Cool, I’ll get you at the carving tree.” He kind of fumbles a nod and scurries to find the older boy.

You turn and David is behind you like a jumpscare, you’re unable to hide a yelp. He laughs and places a hand on your forearm, you grow tense - mind too preoccupied with Danny. “Everything okay? I know you and Bixler are kind of neck and neck, I’d hate for him to spoil the party for you.”

Glancing back at the blonde boy as he searches for Eric, a tinge of guilt pierces through. “It’s fine, I can handle him.

“Well if you ever wanted me to say anything to him, let me know.” He shrugged, guitar still resting over him.

“I actually had something to ask you.” The liquid courage was saying it was now or never, and if it all went wrong you could escape into the woods with Danny who would probably be feeling even worse than you.

“Uh-huh?”

Here goes nothing.

“Today, when you said we shouldn’t talk about the kiss or whatever. I just wanted to ask what changed your mind after you left that note on my pillow?” David’s face is unreadable.

“What?”

“And yeah, I’m sorry if the text I sent was brutal and I won’t lie and say I’ve not thought about the kiss a lot. But I don’t know man, just help me here.” It almost sounds like a rant as the words escape your mouth, David raising an eyebrow in retaliation.

“Well I’ll try and help you out, I don’t know what you’re speaking about.” He seems dumbfounded, an expression you’ve never seen cross him.

“The text. The note. You left me a note, did you not?” Hands trembling, you wish you had it with you in the chance it would somehow completely restart his memory.

“I left with Mia. I needed to get out of there, it was crazy and intense, and kinda good, but like totally wrong.” He moves you to the side, speaking in hushed tones as if it was an affair on par with JFK and Marilyn and not a stupid drunken kiss.

“And then I texted you.”

“No you didn’t, I don’t even have your number. Show me your phone.” The device feels like a brick from the Great Wall of China when you pull it out of your pocket. You try your best to hide your uneasy fingers when you scroll to the conversation, a silent prayer that you didn’t delete it.

There it was plain as day. It was a real conversation. He lightly grabs the phone off you, still holding it at a level that you can both see it. He taps on the contact and stares for a moment.

“Kiddo, I am so sorry. I don’t know who the hell this could be ‘cause that’s not my number.” David peels his own phone out his back pocket and shows his own contact. He was right, the number was completely different.

“I promise I don’t have a second phone as well, and I’ve never changed it. Not since I was like 13 and you still had a Motorola Razr, remember those?” He smiles, going back into a personality mode similar to a dad or grandfather. You weren’t going to lie and say it wasn’t giving you the ick.

All you could do was nod.

“Nevermind, I guess.” He parts with a pat on the shoulder like he was your sports teammate. And technically that’s all he was. A teammate, a friend's brother.

You turn in the direction of the carving tree, Danny stands in the distance. The stomach pit returns, you wish the digger would just go on strike.

All you can do is collect your thoughts for a moment and prepare yourself for the trip ahead, ensuring to grab a bottle of vodka from the ground as you approach him.

#danny evil dead rise #evil dead rise #danny evil dead rise x reader #danny evil dead #danny evil dead x reader #evil dead #evil dead smut #evil dead x reader #morgan davies #danny x reader #evil dead 2013 #evil dead fic #david allen #mia allen

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frvnkcastles · 1 year

Text

TAKE ME WITH YOU ➵ F. CASTLE

Summary: You show Frank your appreciation for keeping you going.

Warnings: Suicide ideation (both reader and Frank mention having suicidal thoughts), feminine nicknames, hurt/comfort, fluff

Word count: 1.6k

Author’s note: Today is the last day of Suicide Awareness Month and I really wanted to do something for it because it really means a lot to me as someone who lost a friend to it but also struggles with those thoughts on most days. I’ve had a good couple of weeks lately but it’s still something I deal with and Frank has helped through so much. If only I could actually thank him. But I guess this is the closest thing to it :) I hope this resonates with some of you, I’m proud of you for being here <3

On the second-to-last night of September, you were filled with nerves from your head to your toes, your eyes constantly glancing at the clock to see it tick closer and closer to eleven — the time Frank had promised to be home. You had tried to open your mouth about what was on your mind in the morning when you were still melted together under the sheets, and again before he had left but his sweet kiss on your lips had rendered you silent. Now, you had decided you weren’t going to shy away from being vulnerable, even at the risk of crying.

You knew he was a safe space, he was your safe space, but you always hesitated talking about the truly dark and sad inside you. Maybe it was some innate fear you’d be pushing him away, or maybe you worried about worrying him — either way, it often took him probing a little bit for you to open up, but tonight, you insisted on being brave all by yourself.

At exactly eleven o’clock, Frank’s key turned in the lock of your door, and you perked up on the living room couch and watched your tall, scary man drag himself indoors with heavy boots. As soon as the door was shut and he faced you, a tired smile crawled up to his face and remained there when he crouched down to undo the laces of his shoes.

”Hey, sweetheart. Been waitin’ all night, huh?” he figured you out pretty quickly, and with a sheepish chuckle, you shrugged. He shook his head but made his way to the couch where his first priority was kissing your forehead. ”’M sorry for keepin’ you up”, Frank added, and with your hand brushing against his fingertips when he slumped down next to you, you tutted at him.

”Don’t be sorry, baby. I kinda wanted to talk to you about something, anyway”, you swallowed before averting your gaze from his deep, dark eyes to his built figure. ”Are you okay?” you asked before proceeding any further, and to reassure you, Frank lifted his hand to the back of your neck and softly caressed your hair there.

”I ain’t bleedin’ out tonight, baby. What’s on your mind?” he questioned with an attentive stare, and when you met his eyes, you could see him trying to figure you out; detailing your expression, hoping to find out if something was wrong.

Deciding to put him out of his misery, you reached behind your back to grab the small gift you had wrapped for him last night. You handed it over to him without a word, and with surprise washing over his bruised face, he took the silver present while his other hand dropped around your shoulders to keep you close.

”Shit. What’s the occasion?” he asked, blinking, and you could tell he was sucker-punched by your gesture. He had been learning how to be better with affection — in fact, he had become almost clingy with you, but he still couldn’t quite comprehend… this.

”Well”, you cleared your throat, ”I don’t know if you knew but September is a month for… for, uh, suicide prevention and awareness. And I guess I kinda just wanted to thank you, because you keep me going. You’re the best preventative means I’ve ever had.” You chuckled quietly and looked down at your hands while continuing, ”I didn’t think I’d make it this far. But you give me a reason to stay alive, and I’m really… really grateful.”

Silence landed between you and you swallowed so thickly you could have sworn it was audible, but before you could panic that it was all too much, you gave a weak gesture at the gift. ”You can open it now”, you encouraged, and realizing he still hadn’t, Frank looked away from you and down to the small package he began unwrapping.

It was almost funny seeing his big, rough hands manhandle the tiny gift, but he did his best, and eventually, unveiled the small jewerly box inside. He glanced at you, but proceeded to lift the top of the box to reveal a silver chain with your initial hanging from it. He was indescribably gentle and feather-light when he picked it up, his dark eyes glued onto the piece as you waited with bated breath.

”Maybe it’s a little corny—”, you began, but Frank cut you off with one hand grasping yours tightly.

”I love it”, he stated simply, glancing between you and the necklace. ”I really fuckin’ love it. Yeah, this is…”

You licked your lips and nodded. ”I just thought… whenever you need the reminder, I just want you to know you’ve saved my life over and over again. You do so much for me, you have no idea”, you whispered, and tightening his hold on your hand, Frank swallowed, and you could see him fighting off tears.

”C’mere”, he spoke eventually, quiet and fragile, and you didn’t fight back when he pulled you into a tight, warm hug. You closed your eyes and breathed him in as his arms wrapped around you firmly, and you could feel his lips grazing your temple. ”I love you, y’know that?” he murmured against your hair, and struggling not to cry yourself, you nodded.

”I love you, Frank.”

He continued to hold you for a while, but eventually, the two of you wound up getting ready for bed and before you knew it, the next day came. You had to drag yourself to work early on, but you were energized by the sight of a sleepy Frank still dozed off on your pillow, his new silver chain shining in the sunlight peeking through your curtains.

Still, as the day went on, you couldn’t help but begin overthinking. Had you been a little too dramatic? Was it too much pressure to put on one person? The questions piled up and by the time you were going home, your nails had been chewed down to nothing and your lip was mere moments away from bleeding.

But Frank? He had been nothing short of honored. And so, when you walked through the front door, you were met with the scent of your favorite dish, your favorite playlist playing through your little radio while your favorite guy stood in the kitchen where your favorite flowers awaited. At the sound of the door closing, Frank turned around and grinned at the sight of you speechless at the doorstep, your bag falling on the floor and your eyes wide at what you were witnessing.

As if it was any other day, Frank swooped you in by the waist and kissed you deep and slow, taking your breath away in an instant. You lifted one hand to his cheek, holding his face close to yours even when your lips disconnected, and you could feel his smirk against your cheek.

”Welcome home, sweet girl”, he murmured, and unable to hold back a smile of your own, you kissed him once more.

”What’s going on?” you wondered, your curiosity getting the best of you, and so, you let go of Frank and stepped into the kitchen where the flowers smelled heavenly and the food was almost ready.

”Think I shoulda been a lot more… I dunno, receptive last night. Really means a fuckton that you shared with me, sweetheart”, Frank voiced from behind you, and with anxiety rising in your chest once again, you twirled around to face him.

”I was starting to worry it may have been too much”, you confessed, and with a scoff, Frank landed both hands on your hips and pulled you in closer.

”Nah, I’m just a dumbass, baby. Really, I… I can’t tell you how much it means to me to be able to help ya out. Y’know, it fuckin’ breaks my heart to even imagine a world without you. ’M so grateful you’ve stuck around”, he insisted, and when you looked down shyly, he immediately lifted your head with his thumb and looked into your eyes.

”I mean it. You’re so goddamn important to me and I’m so glad you’re here with me. If you ever feel like… ya know… not being here anymore, all you gotta do is tell me and I’ll be by your side, no matter what. There ain’t a place I’d rather be, aight? You’re my girl and whatever you need, I’mma give it to you”, Frank continued, and with your lips pursed into a weak smile, you whispered a thank you. A tear rolled down your cheek, but Frank was quick to wipe it away with his thumb.

”That really means the world to me, Frank”, you promised with a kiss left on his cheek, and nodding, he took your hand in his and squeezed.

”I know I don’t, uh, talk about it much, but shit, I get it. I really do. There are days when I wanna just disappear, when I want it all to just stop. Days when it feels like too much and there ain’t any cure for it. But then I see you or hear your laugh or smell your perfume and, fuck, there it is. That shit makes me wanna hold on and see what’s comin’ next. As long as you’ll be here to see it with me”, Frank admitted in a quiet but firm tone, every word coming straight from the heart.

You wiped your eyes but there was no stopping the tears. You hugged him tight and felt the cold chain against your forehead as you did. ”How’d we get so lucky to find each other?” you whispered, and with a quiet laugh, Frank shook his head.

”Shit, I really dunno, sweetheart. But I ain’t ever gonna take it for granted”, he hummed before chuckling, ”guess this is our day, huh?”

You smiled up at him. ”I like that”, you whispered, ”our day.”

#frank castle #frank castle fanfiction #frank castle x reader #the punisher #the punisher x reader

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messrmoonyy · 1 year

Text

And she would rescue me

Tess Servopoulos x Fem!reader

Summary- Tess doesn’t know why she stopped to help you. She doesn’t know why she thought bringing into the QZ was a good idea either. But now you’re in her apartment and she’ll be damned if she’s about to let you die. Snippets of the days you spend with her

A/N- this came to me so randomly in the middle of getting extremely frustrated over a request I couldn’t get my mind to wrap around, and I smashed out a few thousand words and decided I loved it. I feel like there’s a lot of injured reader x Joel fics but not enough Tess ones. So here’s my spin on it.

Warnings- 18+ || light discussion of injuries, I think this is sliigghttllyyy ooc tess, tess realising she can actually let someone in, tess learning to trust tbh, smut towards the end( it isn’t as detailed as usual cause Lord this OS is long I had to chop things out ) : oral ( reader receiving ) , fingering ( tess receiving), tess gets a little panicked during one part of the smut but she’s totally okay, can I get a hell yeah for tess being vulnerable?!

Word count- 13k only proof read once

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Reblogs and comments are always appreciated/ encouraged <3

She didn’t really know why she’d done it. Why she hadn’t just… kept walking. Minded her own fucking business and gone home. But how could she? She still had some kind of humanity left in her, enough that meant she wouldn’t just walk past a girl dying.

Which, when she thought about it, was almost laughable. She’d left her fair share of people dying, most of them dying because of her own actions. So. Clearly her humanity liked to pick and choose its moments. And maybe if this scenario had happened 10 more years into the apocalypse, she would have left you there.

But it hadn’t. The world was still yet to rip the final shreds of humanity out of her.

You had been in a heap at the bottom of a slope, where the concrete of the road had been bombed and now created a jagged rocky mess. She’d thought you were dead at first. No one really ever survived outside the wall on their own, so it wasn’t wrong of her to assume. And if she was truly honest she thought that checking on you was worth it, even if you were dead because you might actually have something decent on you.

Well that’s what she’d told Joel anyway. Her and Joel were close, ridiculously close. They knew each other inside and out but she always noticed she had held onto a little more of her humanity of the years where as he seemed to have buried his deeply away. She was the one that still had a tiny candle flickering in her chest, a warmth that allowed her to hope and care. Even if some days she did feel like snuffing it out. No matter how twisted and dark her mind had become over the years, she still had some light trapped in there.

And so even with Joel’s complaints she had gone over to you. Using the excuse of simply hoping to pull something useful from the corpse. But no. You’d been alive. Barely it seemed. But alive.

Firstly she’d checked you over for any sign of a bite, carefully pushing at you and moving your clothes for any sign of fungus crawling through your veins. Last thing she wanted was another infected crawling around out there, as if their journeys out of the city weren’t difficult enough as it was. So she checked, ready to shoot you in the head if she found even a single sign of a mushroom. And when she’d found none… she’d stood up to leave. You had nothing on you. Even your clothes were fucked. Nothing worth her time. You’d be dead soon and just another body littering the streets. She should just go home and get out of the rain.

But she found herself unable to move. Even when Joel chastised her for wasting time when he just wanted to get back inside the wall and drink himself to sleep.

“ I am not taking some damn girl back inside the wall “ he hissed “ This isn’t you Tess “

“ she’s dying Joel “

“ and so let her die. People die every goddamn day. Including us if we get caught tryna smuggle some girl through the wall. And what’re you gonna do when you get back? What if she dies anyway huh? “

She’d looked down at you again, debating listening to him. If you did die on the way back she’d be stuck with the task of trying to dispose of a dead body. Which she had done plenty of times before but, if they found you without any records of ever being accepted into the QZ? That could cause some problems.

But you were still alive. Somehow. Somehow you had managed to survive out there, and from the flaking dried blood on your face you’d been there a while. You were strong. She liked that.

Joel was wrapped around her finger so even with his protesting it didn’t surprise her that she’d managed to talk him round.

The real surprise was that they’d managed to get back inside the wall, through the tunnels and into her apartment unnoticed. Joel unceremoniously dumping you down on her bed and leaving with muttered curses under his breath that he wasn’t gonna help if she got caught. Which was bullshit. Of course he would.

That had been 2 days ago.

You were still where Joel had left you, but she made you more comfortable. Changed you out of your filthy clothes and bandaged your ankle. From the bruising and the swelling she assumed you’d broken it. But there wasn’t much telling what exactly you’d done, X-rays weren’t exactly easy to go and get now.

She’d also cleaned the injury on your head, washing away the dried blood and stitching up the wound. It wasn’t exactly neat. But she didn’t think you’d mind. She’d saved your life after all. She sat you up every now and again to coax water into you, smashing up painkillers and dissolving them in some hope you weren’t in too much pain.

You’d barely woken up the entire time. Occasionally your eyes would open for a few seconds, gaze around the room in a way that made you look drunk, and then pass back out again. She was starting to get worried. Because you needed to eat sooner rather than later. Dosing you with water and pills was one thing but it would be useless if you didn’t eat anything.

She kept a close eye on you. Locking the doors whenever she went out for work assignments and hoping you wouldn’t wake up and freak out whilst she was gone. But you didn’t. She came home, gave you water and meds, and then went to bed.

She’d been sleeping on the couch. The bed was big enough for two. But she guessed you waking up not only in a strange place but with a strange person next to you might just kill you anyway from the shock.

It made her want to laugh sometimes when she lay there at night. Maybe she was getting soft. Running around like Florence fucking Nightingale looking after a stranger that was probably gonna die anyway. And for what? What solid reason did she have for it?

None. Absolutely none.

But she couldn’t help it. Continuously tending to you and keeping you clean, keeping your bandages fresh. Wiping at your face and wondering where you’d come from, how you’d ended up out there. She had so many questions.

She was getting soft.

You woke up properly a few days after she’d found you. She wasn’t entirely sure if your bouts of unconsciousness had been due to the head injury or the painkillers. Maybe it was both. Either way, your eyes were fully open now.

To her surprise you didn’t look afraid. She found it made that little candle in her chest burn a little brighter for a moment. She was so used to people being afraid. She liked it, of course she did. But the change was nice for a brief moment. To see kind eyes looking at her like she was… a person.

You were both silent. Neither of you seemingly knowing what to say in the moment. She hadn’t really thought that far ahead. And she was confused to find herself stuck for words. Unsure of what to do. She usually was ten steps ahead of everyone, could read a room in an instant and know exactly what her next move would be.

But not now. Not there with you looking at her like that. It was frustrating.

“ welcome to the world of the living sweetheart “ she finally said, crossing her arms over her chest and watching you closely “ or half living I suppose “

“ where am I? “ your voice was hoarse. Probably because you hadn’t used it for so long. It was curious though. Not afraid. No fear laced your words as you glanced around the room, landing back on her and tilting your head slightly to the side like an inquisitive animal.

“ Boston QZ “ Tess finally spoke, grabbing a chair from the kitchen table and pulling it to the end of the bed and sitting down. You watched her every move, eyes following her from the table to where she sat “ I found you outside the wall. What the fuck were you doing out there huh? “

You seemed to ponder on the question for a moment, flickers of confusion flashing across your face. You didn’t know. How hard had you hit your head?

“ I’m not- I’m not sure - how long have I been here? “

“ few days “ your eyes widened at that, eyebrows flying up in a way that clearly hurt the wound on your head. Your hand came up to touch it, gingerly patting the stitched up space in your hairline. You then pulled at the blankets to see your ankle neatly bandaged up.

“ I fell “

“ I guess so “ she said with a sarcastic tone seeping its way into her words. Of course you’d fallen. It didn’t take a genius to work that one out.

“ so you… brought me here? “

“ a thank you would be fuckin nice “

“ oh! Thank you. Yeah of course “ you said quickly, blush creeping across your cheeks. She surprised herself by immediately thinking how… cute… it looked.

“ you feel okay though? “ she asked, immediately trying to rid herself of her previous thought. You nodded and yours eyes fell back onto her, sheepishly avoiding her gaze for more than a few seconds.

“ kinda hungry though “ to her surprise that made her smile, exhaling shortly though her nose in a small laugh.

“ yeah I bet “ she felt your eyes on her the entire time she was pottering around in the kitchenette deciding what food to get you. A small part of her did think she should’ve been smarter than to turn her back on you, you could’ve gotten out of bed and found one of the numerous weapons littered around the place. Killed her and escaped thinking she’d kidnapped you or something.

It made her glance over her shoulder.

“ you’re not gonna hurt me are you “ you said suddenly. It came out as more of statement or a fact than a question though, like you were telling yourself out loud to confirm it. Not really asking her.

“ if I wanted to hurt you I would’ve done it by now. Fuck I wouldn’t have even risked my ass bringing you though the wall “ she made her way back over to you, placing down a couple of the rationed food bars she had in front of you “ they taste like shit. But apparently one bar equals a whole fuckin meal or whatever propaganda bullshit the Military wanna tell us. Just tryna make us eat less “

“ thank you “ your eyes suddenly seemed ravenous, grabbing at the bar and taking a large bite

“ fuck. Slow down. You haven’t eaten in a week you keep going like that you’ll puke the whole thing up in ten minutes “ your cheeks flushed and you nodded, taking smaller nibbles from the shitty food bar. Looking at them already made her crave the fresh food from Bills. It’d only been days and she’d do anything for a vegetable that actually crunched. And had taste “ you can stay here till your ankles fixed… just be quiet. Stay out of sight. Last thing I want is my neck hanging from a fuckin rope because i got caught with an unregistered citizen. Okay? “

“ thank you “ she moved back to the table then, not really knowing what else she was supposed to say to you, and made herself look busy by counting ration cards. As if she hadn’t already gotten the exact number already twice over.

She was mildly regretting bringing you back. What was she supposed to do with you now? At least when you were asleep she didn’t have to worry about you drawing attention to yourself. Now you were awake, what if someone saw you. Or you decided you were in fact scared of her and started screaming or something.

She was such a fuckin idiot. Always acting on impulse when she was tired. And she had been after that hike from Lincoln. She was usually quite rational, but that all went out the window with you clearly. She should’ve listened to Joel. She probably wouldn’t even remember you by now if she’d just left you there. And now? Now she was stuck with an unregistered citizen in her apartment for fuck knows how long.

Way to fuckin go Tess.

“ I didn’t think.. I didn’t think you’d actually hurt me you know? “ you said as she stacked the cards, her eyes flickered up to find you watching her “ I just. I don’t know why I asked really. I actually feel pretty safe here. That’s stupid isn’t it? “

“ a little bit stupid. Yeah “ she agreed.

“ No one’s kind anymore. But you are. You helped me “ was she kind? Was she? She used to be. She wasn’t so sure anymore “ and you’re a woman “

“ nice observation “

“ no I mean. Men were shitty before but now? We ran into this group on the way here… I can’t remember their names but. They just took girls because they could. Kept them like slaves. Infected aren’t the scariest thing out there “ she knew that was true. Not to say that some women weren’t just as shitty. But the men were having a field day with the apocalypse. All rules had gone out the window.

It was stupid of you to trust her so easily, woman or not. She could very much have been planning to hurt you. Or demand something in return for her good nature. She wasn’t going to of course. But most people would’ve done that. If they’d even bothered to stop to help you at all.

Maybe she was kind.

By your third night- well. Nights that you were aware of anyway- in her apartment she was starting to miss when you were passed out. You woke up screaming somewhere in the early hours each night, thrashing around in the sheets and sobbing about things you couldn’t seem to explain to her.

So much for not drawing any attention to yourself.

She knew you couldn’t help it. Not really. She knew first hand from Joel. From her own nightmares that liked to sneak their way into her dreams from time to time. But you needed to be quiet.

She wondered if you’d been trapped in an endless cycle of those dream when you were unconscious. If you had been watching them on a loop as she attempted to care for you, looking so peaceful but screaming on the inside.

“ you wanna talk about those dreams of yours? “ she asked on morning number four. Remembering some slight memory of her mother telling her that talking about bad dreams would make them go away when she was a kid. Something she probably would’ve then gone on to tell her own kids. One of those small twists of the truth that parents did to try and make their children feel better. Something little and mostly useless that they took into adulthood. Even knowing that it wasn’t entirely true. But it worked a little bit.

So it was worth a try. Wasn’t it. Just because she needed you to be quiet. Not that she really cared. Of course she didn’t care. Why would she.

She couldn’t. Caring was dangerous.

“ I’m sorry I know you said about the noi- “

“ yeah you’re waking up the whole fuckin block every night sweetheart you need to get that under control “ she watched your face flush slightly in a way she had noticed you did when she slipped in the pet name. But maybe it was a mixture of embarrassment too.

It didn’t make you special. It was almost… condescending. Her way of keeping herself that one step above on the ladder, she didn’t care.

She didn’t.

“ I’m sorry I’m trying “

“ try a little harder “ you sighed and dropped your head into your hands, shaking your head. Were you crying?

“ I’m sorry “ you were “ I just keep seeing… seeing all the people and the blood and the rain and- “ she walked over to you, observing you like a injured animal that wasn’t quite sure what to do with. The kind where she didn’t know if it was kinder to kill it and put it out of it’s misery or to attempt to console it and bring it back to health.

Though clearly she was already doing the latter.

“ I told you. Tell me about them “ that came out a little lighter than she had initially meant. But she didn’t linger on it “ get it out. Probably won’t make them stop but. Might help “

You seemed to debate it, wiping at the tears on your cheeks and sighing.

She had to admit she was curious to know what was tormenting you. In the world they lived in there was plenty of things it could’ve been. They were 10 years in now and she still saw flashes of outbreak day in her dreams sometimes. Still remembered the first person she had seen infected. The first she had killed.

Death no longer bothered her. She had become numb to it in every way. Paths she had had no choice but to take, that had lead to her ending up that way. She did what she had to do to survive. But you seemed to still be coming to terms with the world around you.

You shuffled to move next to her, hanging your legs over the side of the bed with a small wince as you moved the ankle that was bandaged up.

“ me and a group. 9 of us? We were heading for the QZ. There was more of us at the start but… Pittsburgh is falling apart. A group of us snook out before it could get any worse. If that place lasts another year I’ll be surprised “ she’d heard of QZs falling apart all over the country. Boston was one of the only ones that FEDRA still had a relatively tight grip on “ we made it to the outskirts of the city… these runners came from no where and- “

She sat down on the edge of the bed as you tried to compose yourself a little, surprised to find her chest hurting a little as she watched you. Maybe it was because you seemed so… vulnerable. Somehow avoiding the hardships of the last ten years and behaving like the outbreak had only just begun.

She couldn’t help but feel inclined to protect you.

“ and how’d you end up at the bottom of that slope? “

“ me and 2 others. We made it pretty deep into the city, one of them said we should cut through the buildings. The road was fucked so I agreed. We got separated. Runners. Clickers. I just ran. Last thing I remember is the rain and and tryna get around the mess on the roads… guess I fell. Then you found me”

You’d escaped runners and clickers, and outlasted your entire group. You were really stronger than she thought. Vulnerable, yes, but still strong.

“ and that’s what you keep seeing? In your dreams? “ you nodded and sighed.

“ the others being ripped apart. Clickers chasing me. It’s so stupid I’m sorry. I’ll try to be quiet… I just wish they’d stop“ you dropped your head against her shoulder with a small sigh. Tess didn’t really know what to do. The gentleness of the act was almost alien to her now.

No one had been gentle with her for 10 years. Not even Joel.

You were doing something to her. Had done from the moment she’d seen you lying half dead on the floor outside. The fact that she had stopped at all. That she had brought you back. That in the 3 days you had been awake, the near constant 72 hours in your company, you had declared feeling safe with her. That you trusted her. That you looked at her and believed she could be gentle.

And Tess didn’t know how to react to it. What to do with it. She didn’t have a snarky remark to give you, simply out of fear of hurting your feelings or upsetting you. Which was ridiculous. Since when did she care about people’s feelings?

“ I promise I’ll try control it. Maybe you’re right. Maybe talking about it helped “

“ yeah. Maybe “

She had the sudden urge to tell you it’ll be okay. That she had nightmares too. That she’d lost count of the amount times she woke up in a cold sweat, images of her husband in a pool of his own blood flashing behind her eyelids, the sounds of her son fighting to escape the basement she had locked him in ringing in her ears.

Nothing haunted her more than that day. Everyone had their ghosts.

She didn’t even tell Joel but there she was wanting to tell you. To relate. To console.

She stood up before she could. Clearing her throat and heading for the door. She needed to get out of that apartment.

“ where are you going? “ the look on your face was like that of a kicked puppy, eyes wide and sad. She really needed to get out of that apartment.

“ I have shit to do. Stay quiet. Don’t open the door. I’ll be back in a few hours “ she pulled on her boots as she spoke, grabbing her bag and heading out the door in a hurry.

She needed to get back out among people that feared her. People that knew how dangerous she could be. Just to remind herself she was feared. She was dangerous. She wasn’t soft.

She. Didn’t. Care.

The fourth night was the same. She woke up to the clock on the wall showing 3:30am, you screaming at the top of your lungs and begging for help.

She got up from her makeshift bed on the couch and headed for the kitchen to get you some water, in the way that was becoming routine now. Usually by the time she reached you you’d stopped, but not tonight. You were thrashing around in the sheets, eyes still clenched tightly closed as you sobbed and screamed.

She placed the water down, her brows furrowed and sat herself on the edge of the bed. She grabbed at your arms to stop your thrashing before you hurt yourself

“ hey! You’re okay, look at me come on. Sweetheart, look at me. Just a dream. C’mon now “ your eyes flung open, terror swirling in your dilated pupils “ that’s it. Look around. You’re awake. You’re safe. You’re safe “

Clearly talking about it hadn’t helped. If anything it had made it worse.

“ no! Please- no! “

“ you gotta be quiet. Look. At. Me! “ she grabbed at your face, forcing your wild eyes to focus on her instead “ that’s it. Look at me. You see me? Not a fuckin clicker. No mushrooms in sight. You were dreamin again “ you seemed to register her words, slowly calming down as you took in her face in front of you.

“ Tess “ you whispered it with such relief, like some kind of wish in a prayer had been granted.

“ yeah. That’s right. It’s me “ you leaned into her touch, apparently grounding yourself again against the feel of her hands against your cheek. She watched you intently, the way you had known her for such little time but so clearly found comfort in her. In her touch.

She wondered if you knew the things she were capable of… if you knew the things she had done. Would you be so willing to sit there with her like that?

She let go of you and stood up.

“ no “ you said suddenly, fingers wrapping around her wrist as she attempted to return to the couch “ sorry I- “ she looked down at your hand, the way you held onto her “ I mean- can you. Could you… would you… stay? Here. With me “ she didn’t quite know why the word ‘ yeah ‘ flew into her mouth before she could even think about what you’d said. But she stopped it before it could escape “ please Tess. I’m so scared… I’d feel better if you were here “

“ I’m just around the other side of the wall “

“ please. You make me feel safe “ that took her aback. She didn’t have a single idea how to respond to that. Safe. She made you feel safe.

People didn’t feel safe around her. They felt afraid. They felt submissive to her power, they begged for their life, they felt dependent on her for their pills. They didn’t feel… safe.

But hadn’t that been what she had been trying to achieve? Hadn’t she wanted to make you feel safe. That you could exist around her and not be scared she’d hurt you. And it felt different yes, but. It felt nice too.

“ okay “ it came out far less confident than she’d wanted it to and she cleared her throat, trying to shake off the clearly obvious confusion she was experiencing “ yeah. Yeah. I’ll stay if you want “ you closed your eyes in relief and gave her a small smile, letting go of her wrist.

She watched you pull back the covers beside her and she got in, keeping a nice distance between you both. She had to admit it felt nice to be back in her bed. It wasn’t the most comfortable of things but anything was better than the couch for another night.

It felt strange laying next to someone though. She hadn’t done that for a long. Long. Time. Even when she had made her way through her string of flings and one time things, she hardly ever brought them back to her apartment. And they never slept in her bed if she did bring anyone back. She never let anyone invade her space. That felt too personal.

And yet there you were. In her bed. In her clothes. Finding herself annoyingly thinking about how much better that T-shirt looked on you than it did on her. And trying to ignore how unbelievably normal it felt having you there now. Even more so how normal and comfortable she was having you sleeping beside her.

She turned on her side to look at you, see how at peace you now looked. Your face no longer screwed up in terror, or eyes flashing wildly around the room. The only evidence of your dream the dried tear marks along your cheeks.

She reached out before she could stop herself, wiping at them softly with her fingers. There was a small scar on your left cheek below your eye, she let her finger trace it and wondered how you’d gotten it. She had too many scars to count now. Her face littered with nicks and dotted with freckles from the sun. She wondered if the face she was looking at now had changed in 10 years. If the face you now owned had looked different before the world fell apart.

She instinctively tried to pull away when your hand suddenly moved, placing it over hers gently and holding it in place.

She waited for the embarrassment to come, to ramble some excuse and probably excuse herself back to the couch. But your eyes remained closed, maybe in fear of embarrassing her. Whatever it was. She was grateful. And she let you hold her there, her hand still cupping your face as she fell asleep herself.

“ alright. Come here come look at these “ Tess broke the comfortable silence that had settled over the apartment for the last few hours, drawing your attention away from the book she had given you. She watched as you hopped your way over to the kitchen table, grabbing onto things to keep your balance whilst keeping your injured ankle off the floor.

She’d been working on papers for you for most of the day. Some half cooked insurance policy that made it look like you were a registered citizen if FEDRA happened to come knocking.

Even if they didn’t work entirely they’d still give her enough of a window to get you out before they returned again. And something was better than nothing she supposed.

“ FEDRA do random door to door checks, checking for infection “ she explained when you slumped into the chair next to her “ When they can fuckin be bothered to do it anyway… but if they do there’s a chance they’ll question why you’re here. This apartments only assigned to me, but as long as they think you’re registered it won’t matter. So. Fake papers. According to FEDRA your name is now Christine Hurley “ she didn’t mention that the real Christine Hurley was in fact in a ditch in one of the back alleys of area 2.

That the real Christine Hurley had thought trying to scam her and Joel with fake ration cards was a good idea, and had gotten a bullet in the forehead for her troubles.

“ and these will work? “

“ yeah. I make fake papers all the time to get me and Joel in and out of different areas. Should’ve been a forger pre outbreak. I’d have been rich as fuck” you laughed at that and she almost hated the way it made her heart skip. You were making her too fuckin soft and it was annoying. It was frustrating. She’d known you barely two weeks now, some of which you’d been unconscious, and yet you were making her soft. You were making her feel. Which was ridiculous

“ won’t they still question why I’m here?”

“ yeah but. They won’t really care. As long as you have papers they don’t give a shit. Found me with a girl here before. Idiot didn’t carry her papers with her. Arrested and… well fuck knows where she is now “ your face seemed to change ever so slightly at that and she wondered why “ just keep them with you”

“ you’ve had girls here before? What make a habit of rescuing people do you? “ she scoffed at that. Did she seem like the type to go around rescuing people every day?

“ no. She was here for… she was perfectly healthy. No rescuing “ it seemed to take you a moment before your eyebrows arched and you gave a nervous laugh.

“ oh “ she wasn’t embarrassed, she never had been when it came to sex or her enjoyment of it. She wondered if anyone else would’ve been. Maybe because you didn’t seem uncomfortable at the thought, in fact you seemed quite pleased about it. Something mischievous almost flashing in your eyes. “ interesting “

“ interesting? “

“ yeah. It’s interesting “ Tess raised an eyebrow but you simply shrugged, a smile tugging at your lips that you were seemingly trying and failing to suppress.

It didn’t seem mocking. More… knowing.

She changed the subject.

“ well. There’s your papers. Keep em with you “ you nodded and scanned over them, learning the new information about yourself whilst you were inside Bostons walls. Tess packed her stuff away and stood up, taking it over to the kitchen counter to hide it away in the small stash behind the back of one of the cupboards.

“ was she your girlfriend? “ Tess froze for a moment as you spoke, glancing slightly behind her to look at you. You were still looking down at the papers, like it was a casual topic to simply make conversation.

“ who? “

“ the girl. The one who didn’t have her papers “ she quirked an eyebrow and turned around , folding her arms across her chest and leaning back against the counter

“ why’d you ask? “

“ is that a yes “

“ it’s not “ you hummed a response, flipping the first page over to look at the other which listed all of the work assignments Christine had completed “ she wasn’t my girlfriend. I don’t… I don’t do girlfriends. Or boyfriends for that matter “

“ ahh. You’re one of those people. Alright “ you said, smiling down at the paper and clearly no longer reading it

“ what’s that supposed to mean? “

“ nothing bad. I’m just observing “ you finally looked up, sitting back in the chair with amusement on your face. It was a nice change from the sadness that seemed to be settling over your face every now and again “ let me guess. You get bored. Or lonely. So you go out, find a find a girl. Or a guy. Fuck them. Then leave them. That right? “

It was right. And she hated that you’d read her so easily.

“ no “ you scoffed at that

“ sure. But lemme ask you. Do you really feel less lonely? When you’re with them? Or is it something else? “ she didn’t like where this conversation was going. At all. Or the fact that it genuinely made her think. No. Of course it didn’t make her feel less lonely. If anything it simply made it worse

“ I’m not lonely. I’m better on my own “

“ I don’t think that’s true “

“ yeah. Well you know nothing about me” her words were a little harsh. Defensive. She didn’t want people knowing about her, didn’t need someone trying to figure her out.

“ but I want to know “ you didn’t seem shocked by her tone, or her words.

“ you don’t “ she didn’t want to tell you. She didn’t want to tell you about herself or reveal things about her.

Because it would only scare you off. She knew it.

“ hmmm. I do “ you smiled as you said it and she couldnt help the way it eased the tension brewing in her muscles “ you don’t have to tell me bad stuff. Just. Tell me fun stuff. I’m so starved of like… girl talk “ Tess scoffed

“ there were no girls in your group? “

“ there was two. One was a kid. And the other liked to grab me when her boyfriend pissed her off. Then tell me after it was totally a ‘ one time thing and she was literally so straight ‘ “ you said with a laugh and bending your fingers into air quotes.

“ oh I’ve known a few like that “ Tess found she didn’t actually mind that topic of conversation. Because it was something she was comfortable with and something she could control. And didn’t directly reveal anything about herself. So she sat herself back at the table with you.

“ so was I right then? You just fucking your way through the QZ for the fun of it? “

“ I wouldn’t exactly put it like that “

“ so how would you put it “ you leant forward, chin on your hand and a cheeky smile plastered across your face. You were loving it. And Tess did have to admit talking to someone other than Joel was a decent change.

“ the worlds a pile of shit. I won’t deny myself small pleasures “ your grin grew at that

“ bet you have them lining up for you huh? That scary thing you do… yeah. I bet the guys don’t like that though, you whip them into shape too? “ you said and wiggled your eyebrows in a way she couldn’t help but laugh at. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d really laughed.

“ I prefer women. They’re more interesting to look at “

“ agreed “ even before the outbreak she’d preferred girls. It was true, they were far more interesting, softer, squishier, easier to navigate. Prettier. She couldn’t help the way her eyes wandered over you, mind suddenly running wild. And from the look in your eyes, so was yours.

Two evidently touch starved people in such close proximity, with that topic of conversation was never going to end well.

And so she distanced herself before she could put herself in a compromising situation.

“ I have to go do some work. But I’ll be back soon “ she said and stood up, heading for the door and grabbing her backpack “ don’t- “

“ open the door. Make any sound. Draw any attention to myself. Yes ma’am “ you said, that grin still stuck on your face “ oh and don’t go bringing anyone else back here. You might make me jealous “ you looked back down at your papers then, leaving Tess’ mind still reeling as she opened the door and headed out.

—————————————————————

The nightmares came again that night, seemingly worse than the previous, leaving you in floods of tears after you woke up. And to Tess’ surprise you fell into her arms, clutching at her tshirt as you sobbed and sniffled. She felt her previous annoyance at being woken up fizzle away in an instant, replaced with a deep ache in her chest. Pain at seeing you so upset when you had been so happy during the day.

It concerned her slightly how much she enjoyed your smile. The way your eyes lit up around her. And how much she hated the tears and the sadness now plaguing your features.

“ you’re okay sweetheart. I’ve got you “ she said softly, tucking your head under her chin in a way that surprised her as your sobs turned to hiccups and sniffles. You were gripping her tightly, fingers twisted into the material of her shirt as if you were afraid she was about to push you away and leave you there.

Maybe if you had done that on night one she would’ve. It was strange how much had changed in days. How being around you practically 24/7 had changed her thoughts. She didn’t know if she liked it. if she liked how you seemed to be wiggling your way through the cold exterior of her heart, like a worm trying to reach the core of an apple. Burrowing through until it could reach the centre and stay there.

That almost did make her let you go.

She couldn’t have that. She couldn’t have herself worrying about someone else. Caring about someone else. That was dangerous. And you didn’t care for her. You didn’t worry. So why should she? Why should she allow herself the stupidity of getting into something so clearly one sided. And something she so clearly didn’t have control over. It scared her.

She felt like she was in a car that had had its breaks cut, hurtling towards a brick wall and she had no way of bringing it to a stop.

She really was getting soft. Ridiculously so. There she was sat at her table flicking through a faded and damaged medical book she’d traded for on the black market the previous day, so she could try and figure out how to get you back on your feet again.

She was reluctantly letting it happen now. Just accepting that she was doomed. That for the short time you would be with her she would allow herself this pathetic softness. And the second you were gone she would have her control back. It was all your fault. Yours completely. Luring her in to believe she could feel. To believe she was allowed to feel. To believe that someone could possibly feel for her.

It was stupid. So. Fucking. Stupid.

“ so I’m pretty sure just a super fuckin bad sprain. Says here… two weeks it’ll normally start feeling better. But can take up to eight to fully heal “ she said, clearing her throat in some attempt to distract her thoughts.

“ it does feel better than when I first woke up. So two weeks is accurate “ she placed the book down and went over to where you had your ankle up resting on a couch cushion. She peeled away the bandages she’d wrapped tightly around it to give it some support, pressing and poking slightly at the fading bruises.

“ can you move it? Wiggle your toes and shit? “ you did just that and she shrugged. She was no doctor. But she patched herself and Joel up enough over the years “ alright. c’mon. Up “ she held out her hands and you took them, they looked so soft and delicate compared to hers. A scar here and there but somehow mostly clear. Nothing compared to the scratches and scrapes on hers. The scars on her knuckles from the numerous times she’d split them open.

Hands like that didn’t fit together. Didn’t meet. Hands like hers didn’t deserve the privilege of touching hands like yours. Hands like hers didn’t deserve to touch anyone in a gentle way. They were for business. For hurting. For pain. Yours weren’t. Yours were soft. Smooth. Yours were made for caressing and soothing, for receiving soft kisses on the back.

She was losing it.

She guided one of your arms around her shoulders and helped you get your balance.

“ don’t try walk. Just. Just try put your weight on it “

“ what if- “

“ don’t worry. I’ve got you. Just be careful yeah? “ she watched you carefully as you gently placed your foot down, eyebrows furrowing as you did and hissing in pain through your teeth “ I said carefully “ you sighed and put it flat on the floor but still heavily leaning against her “ feels okay? “

“ hurts “ Tess nodded and held you tighter around the waist

“ try not to lean on me so much. You won’t fall over. I’ve got a hold of you “

“ oh you’re gonna catch me? “ you said with a small laugh, eyes flickering up to hers briefly. The tone of your voice made her throat a little dry and she couldn’t figure out exactly why.

“ yeah. Yeah I got you “ your face screwed up slightly as she watched you out more of your weight onto it and get used to the feeling.

She held you there for a couple of minutes to regain your balance before slipping your arm off of her and holding your hands in hers.

“ now try walk. Hold onto me “

“ I don’t think I- “

“ just try. Look at me “ you watched her face carefully as she took small steps back, helping you to get used to the feeling of the ankle being used again.

She was glad Joel had work assignments that day. She didn’t think she’d ever live it down if he turned up at her apartment and saw that. Saw her holding you so carefully and helping you walk again like a child.

But she found in the hour or so that she did it, her cheeks began to hurt from smiling. For once in her life feeling like the world wasn’t on her shoulders, happy. Smiling. You smiling with her.

It was nice.

“ you got it! Nice work sweetheart “ she watched the utter joy on your face as you managed to keep your balance on your own and walk before falling into her arms.

“ fuck yeah “ you laughed seemingly now exhausted from the small amount of work. But she didn’t blame you after so long unable to do anything “ can we rest now? “

“ we can do whatever you want “ she said with a small laugh, arms wrapped around you to keep you up right.

“ anything? “ you asked quietly, smile fading slightly and looking up at her intently. Tess furrowed her brows, slightly confused at what exactly you were asking her.

It took her completely by surprise when you leant up and kissed her. Standing practically shell shocked as you pressed your lips to hers. It was only a few seconds and then you were pulling back, cheeks flaming red and closing your eyes with a shake of your head

“ god I’m so- Tess I’m sorry I don’t know why I- “

“ you need to rest “ she said and cleared her throat, not wanting to think about had just happened for even a second. Not prepared to deal with the spiral it would inevitably send her down.

All she knew. Was that she was fucked. well. And truly. Fucked.

“ just stay close to me. Try not to talk to anyone. And don’t touch anything“ Tess instructed as she pushed back a palette keeping one of the exits out of the tunnels covered

“ yes ma’am “ you said with a smile and a mock salute, following her through the gap and standing patiently as she dragged the palette back into place “ will there be officers? “

“ maybe. But the ones around here are just as bad as the smugglers. They’re some of our best customers for pills. Turns out sending people to the gallows everyday can fuck you up. Who’d have guessed? Just do as I say “ you stood ridiculously close to her, eventually wrapping your fingers around her wrist as you both entered the courtyard. She wasn’t in the mood to loiter and headed straight for the people she needed. Trading off cards for boots, a new jacket, some shirts and jeans.

Stuff you’d need. That she didn’t have a surplus of.

Ration cards were as precious as gold those days. And she was spending her hard earned ones on you. She definitely wouldn’t telling Joel about that.

She found she didn’t mind though. She wanted you to be prepared. Safe. And the boots she’d found you in barely had any soles left. You wouldn’t get far in those.

It had been a week since you’d kissed her and neither of you had mentioned it since. Falling back into that comfortable thing you’d been developing before. Where you could make her laugh and smile. And you would tease her for being too grumpy which would make you smile.

It was odd how normal it was starting to feel having you around. But she always ruined the moment by thinking about the future. About how empty her apartment would feel when you leave. She’d gotten used to you. And she almost didn’t want to let you go.

Maybe she could work something out, wrap some officers around to her thinking and get you some official papers. She could train you up to help her with her smuggling, show you the ropes and tell you who the best people to deal with were. And who to avoid like the plague.

It could be nice.

“ Tess. Haven’t seen you around for a few days. Where you been hiding? “ she felt you tense beside her as one of the FEDRA officers on her client list made his way towards her. He was a cocky son of a bitch, one who constantly tried to make her lower her prices and was notoriously known for being too heavy handed with the girls he paid for. And had been trying to get his way into her pants for months. Seemingly thinking offering her his dick was worth a half price deal on his pills.

“ don’t. Speak. Let me do the talking “ Tess said in a low voice close to your ear, looking like she was entirely too fascinated by the piles of clothes in front of her “ I’m not selling today Marcus. You know I don’t get shit until the end of the month “

“ I know. I know. Cant I be friendly and say hello? “ she rolled her eyes, hoping he’d just fuck off and leave her be now that he knew she didn’t have what he wanted “ who’s the new pet? Following you around like a little lost puppy? “ you shuffled closer to her if that was even possible, fingers tightly gripping at her wrist.

“ that’s none of your concern “

“ pretty thing “ he said with a smirk, craning his head to try and look at where you were attempting to hide behind her. She surprised herself for the millionth time since she’d found you, when she felt a burning jealousy in her chest. She didnt like the thought of anyone talking about you. Even looking at you. Thinking about you. Which was fuckin. Stupid. But she hated it “ maybe you come give me a visit when she’s done with you huh? “

“ I don’t think so “ her voice was bitter, unable to stop herself from appearing as jealous as she was

“ what? Cant she speak for herself? Come on Tess. It’s nice to share “

“ not this one “ she freed her wrist from your grasp and draped her arm around your shoulder instead, pulling you against her body. You sighed a slight sigh of relief at the contact, pressing yourself against her. She tossed down some more cards for the clothes and handed them to you “ put ‘em in your bag “ you did as you were told, the slightly worried expression that had been on you face still there. But a little less now she had a hold of you.

“ settling down? You’re not the type. You send her my way when you get bored. I’ll be waiting. I’ll even pay you double on my next batch “ Tess scoffed and turned to face him, trying to ignore the burning anger boiling away in her chest at the thought of him anywhere near you.

She saw the state he left some girls in, the thought of that happening to you was enough to make her want to put a bullet through his head in the middle of the courtyard.

“ you know that’s not my game “ he shrugged and raised his hands in mock surrender “ go talk to Robert he’ll point you in the right direction. But this one? She’s mine. So back the fuck off. And come find me at the end of the month for your shit. Okay? “ she enjoyed the way that even the officers listened when she commanded it, that the simple tone of voice and the reputation she was gaining was enough to make anyone do as she said.

“ alright alright. Stay out of trouble “ he said with another smirk, but not as smug as it previously had been “ and you “ he said, throwing a wink at you and walked away.

“ let’s get you home yeah? “ she said it loud enough that she hoped Marcus heard it. That you were going back with her. Not him. Never him.

“ yes please “ she could feel your eyes burning into her as you walked back, almost tripping up because you weren’t paying attention to where you were walking.

You seemed flustered. Frantic almost. She wondered if Marcus had shaken you up, overwhelmed you.

She couldn’t have been more wrong if she’d tried. Once you both got back into her apartment she realised what had gotten into you.

You grabbed at her arm when she closed the door, yanking at her with a confidence she hadn’t seen from you before. You pulled her close and to her surprise yet again, you kissed her. For the second time. It was a lot more confident than the first, more… desperate. Your lips pressing harder against hers than she’d expected.

She found herself kissing you back that time, turning you around and crowding you back against the door. She knew she shouldn’t haven given in, shouldn’t be letting her desire her in the way of what she knew was right and wrong.

But she couldn’t help herself.

Maybe it was the pent up jealousy and anger from down in the market, kissing you being the safest form of release for it. And the most enjoyable. Not that battering the fuck out of Marcus wouldn’t have been thoroughly enjoyable. But making out with you? It beat anything else by miles.

It made her regret not kissing you back the first time, when your lips felt like that against hers. Tasted like that. It felt cruel to have denied herself of it.

It was the feel of your fingers gently pushing at her shirt that snapped her back into reality, made her see some common sense again.

“ hey. Hey we can’t “ she said softly, hands soothing over your arms and closing her eyes for a moment. She sighed and looked at you, your cheeks flushed “ we can’t “ she didn’t explain herself. Couldn’t. Couldn’t tell you that she was getting far too attached. That sleeping with you could well and truly be the final nail in the coffin that she was burying herself in.

“ I’m sorry “ you said, clearly embarrassed. Tess couldn’t tear her eyes away from your lips. Parted and glossy with saliva. She wanted to kiss you again.

“ it’s okay. Don’t sweat it “ she looked away before she could.

“ just. The way you were out there. With that officer and and the way you spoke about me I- god “ she found a smile tugging at her lips as she watched your flustered attempt to explain, groaning and putting your head in your hands. She nudged her fingers under your chin to make you look at her, noticing the way your breath shuddered slightly. You were so easy to work up.

“ don’t be embarrassed “ she could practically see you melting under her gaze, the low tone of her voice and intense gaze making you look ready to drop to your knees. And wouldn’t that be a sight.

A sight she had to remind herself she did not need to see.

“ go empty your bag, take a shower or something i don’t know about you but that market makes me feel grimy as fuck. Then we won’t talk about it. Yeah?” You nodded your head and gave her a warm smile

“ yeah “ she stepped away from you, watching you head for the bathroom and close the door behind you. She ran a hand over her face, a deep sigh shuddering past her lips. What was she doing?

Usually she would’ve kept going. Would’ve happily fucked you and been fine about it. She was no stranger to doing just that and then moving on. But there was something about you. Something about the anger she had felt around Marcus, the jealousy and the possessiveness.

Even the fact that she was still sharing a bed with you. And most nights now she’d wake up to find you pressed against her. Cuddling like a couple as if it were the most normal thing. That she enjoyed waking up to your smile, your eyes. You.

What had you done to her?

“ I think you’re gonna have to go soon “ the realisation of the fact had hit her like a ton of bricks that morning. Or maybe it had been sooner than that and she had been forcing herself to ignore it.

Your lack of reaction told her you probably knew that.

Staying with her had never been a permanent thing. But she felt she was pushing her luck now, the fact you had managed to stay as long as you had was a miracle in itself.

“ they found a whole group of unregistered people in an apartment in area 3 the other day. FEDRAS upping their random checks and… look I’m good at fake papers but they can only do so much. If they find out you’re not a registered citizen they’ll have you up on the gallows before you can even tell them your real name “ she ran a hand over her face with a deep sigh “ and I can’t fuckin see that happen to you sweetheart I can’t “

You didn’t say anything right away, which she hated. It meant that her words hung there in the silence for a little too long. Gave her that minute too long to think about them and wish she could yank them back and shove them back down her throat.

Then your hand tentatively reached out for hers that was on the table, fingers ghosting over her knuckles before gently squeezing in what she assumed was your attempt at reassuring her.

“ I never thought I’d even make it into Boston and with your help I wouldn’t have. I thought you’d kick me out the moment I’d woken up. I never expected you to let me stay as long as you have and put yourself in a position… I’m trying to say thank you I guess. And that… I know… I know you wouldn’t tell me to go unless I really had to “

She glanced up at you and couldn’t quite read the expressions on your face. It annoyed her still. How she couldn’t get a grasp on you, couldn’t get into your head in the way she could with others. But that didn’t matter anymore did it. You were leaving.

“ I know this couple in a town not too far from here. That’s where I was coming from when I found you… Bill and Frank. I spoke to Frank last night on the radio and he said you can go there for a few days. They have more supplies than you can fuckin imagine they’ll give you what you need. Franks real good with the radio he’s gonna listen in, see what he can hear and find you a QZ that’s letting people in “ you nodded and gave her a small smile

“ how do I get there? “

“ I’ll take you “ there was never any question in that. You’d almost died on your way in. Never mind the way out. You nodded, processing the information.

Talking to Frank on the radio the previous night has been hard but now she was discussing with you it made it feel far too real. The stark realisation that you wouldn’t be in the room after tomorrow. You wouldn’t be in her bed, smiling at her when you woke up, loudly commenting on the book you were reading when a character did something you didn’t like. Just your presence .

“ c’mere for a second “ you rose to your feet instantly walking over to her and standing between her legs. She ran her hands gently along your legs and looked up at you, her gaze soft “ I’ll make sure you get there safe. I promise you Bill and Frank will help you out “

You straddled her thighs, looping your arms around her neck and pressing your forehead to hers. It felt too… romantic. Intimate. It felt exactly what she had been so terribly trying to avoid. but maybe she was stupid for ever thinking she could live with you and be around you so constantly and not end up in such a position. You were like a siren luring her in, filling her senses and overwhelming her with desire no matter how hard she attempted to fight it. No one would’ve been able to resist you. No one.

“ I’m gonna miss you “ you whispered, so close your lips brushed hers as you spoke “ I’m gonna miss your stupid face “ Tess chuckled at that.

“ stupid? “

“ mhm. So stupid “

“ so stupid you try kiss me any chance you fuckin get? “ it was the first time you’d both actually mentioned either of the kisses out loud. But she guessed it didn’t matter if it made things awkward now.

You were leaving. What did she have to lose.

“ I have a head injury I don’t think my thought process can be trusted “

“ it can’t “ you twisted a lock of her dark hair around your finger, another thing that felt casually intimate.

“ I guess I cant be blamed then. Cant be blamed for this either “ she refused to let her fears get the better of her that time. Taking the chance whilst she still had it, kissing you back with the same gentleness you were. It felt bittersweet. Nothing could be bad about kissing you, but the knowledge she might never get to kiss you again? That was painful.

“ I’m really gonna miss you “ you whispered once you pulled away, short breaths hitting Tess’ lips.

“ yeah sweetheart. I’ll miss you too “

Tess hadn’t anticipated the heavy feeling in chest on the last night with you in her apartment. Unable to sleep and simply staring up at the ceiling as you lay curled up beside her.

She reminisced on the weeks you’d spent with her. How much you’d managed to wiggle into her heart and make her feel things she thought she’d forgotten.

She felt stupid. But it was okay. You would be gone that time tomorrow, she would drink. She would forget. She would carry on. She would go back to normal. She tried to ignore the small voice in the back of her head telling her that wasn’t what she wanted now. But she had no choice.

She startled as your hand moved, sliding over her arm with a soft sigh

“ cant sleep either? “ she looked down to see your eyes wide awake and watching her. She’d miss the way you looked at her. Admired her. Never afraid.

“ no “ she turned onto her side, reaching out to tuck your hair away from your face “ it’s gonna be weird when you’re gone “ she confessed in a whisper, almost hoping it was too quiet for you to hear. It wasn’t of course.

“ yeah. I got used to looking at your grumpy face everyday “ she huffed a small laugh and rolled her eyes “ maybe I can write or something when I find a new QZ. Send radio messages. I don’t know. Something “

“ yeah. Maybe “ that would only hurt you both more she was certain of it. But she wouldn’t tell you that now. She’d let you hope and think of something good that the future may hold “ do you wanna try get some more sleep? “

“ No I can’t “ you said with a shake of your head and shuffled a little closer to her “ I can think of something to pass the time time though “ Tess smiled and slipped her hand around to the back of your neck

“ funny. So can I “ she pulled you towards her, capturing your lips with hers and pulling a soft sigh from you as she did. She regretted not kissing you more. Regretted not giving in to her thoughts whilst she’d had you, some half ditched attempt to protect herself. As if it still wouldn’t hurt.

You kissed different than anyone else she’d been with. Which sounded cheesy and she felt stupid for thinking it. But it was true. Girls that were being overly dramatic to try and get paid more or girls that were just like her. Lonely and looking for some form of human contact.

But you were… invested. Kissing her like you actually meant it. Tender and careful, soft moans into her mouth that were slowly working her up.

“ I thought of. Of something else. That. We could do. More than…kissing “ you whispered in between soft kisses “ if you want “ she didn’t need to second guess or even give it a single second of thought. You were leaving tomorrow whether she or you liked it or not. So what did she have to lose now? Nothing.

And who was she to deny herself of such pleasure in world full of a whole lot of pain. Especially now. Especially with you.

She pushed at you, placing her body on top of yours and caging your head between her arms, not giving you a second to even attempt to take control from her. Not that she thought she would really. Not when you had been so willing to do as exactly as you’d been told the entirety of your stay with her.

She felt ever so slightly out of practice. It wasn’t a lack of experience, Jesus if anything she had too much experience. Which she wasn’t entirely proud of but who the fuck cared? The world was ending. Had ended. She’d take any small ounce of pleasure she could seek out. You didn’t seem like the type for that. She couldn’t picture you slinking around in the less desirable areas picking up girls just because she wanted something- or rather someone- to do.

No. You seemed too… pure. For that. Tess wasn’t pure. Not at all. But she could pretend. She could pretend if that’s what you wanted. Though she wasn’t entirely sure it was. Not with the way your hands were grabbing at her, hands restless as they slipped under the hem of her shirt to touch her skin.

She kissed you until she had no choice but to pull away to breathe, immediately moving to your neck instead. Your skin was like a blank canvas and she was going to take great joy in marking it.

“ Tess “ you practically whimpered her name, pushing at her tshirt in some silent request to get it off. But she’d be damned if she was gonna let you get her naked first. Her fingers worked at the button up you’d gone to bed in, still working at your neck as she did. She hadn’t really liked the shirt on herself, so had happily let you take it when you’d picked it out. But on you? She almost didn’t want to take it off you completely. There was something about the thought of fucking you in her clothes…

She had to sit up to admire the view, reluctantly detaching her lips from your soft skin.

“ fuck “ she couldn’t help it, it left her mouth without her consent. The sight of you was enough to ruin her for life. Her shirt open and revealing your heaving chest, the blush creeping across your cheeks and the blossoming marks on your neck… oh she was fucked.

She reached out, grabbing at your tits and sighing heavily at how heavenly your body was. You’re back arching into her touch as she moulded the squishy flesh beneath her fingers, dropping her head down again to get her mouth on you too.

She was like a greyhound chasing a rabbit. Tunnel vision and a singular end goal, you the only thing in her sight. In her mind. Desperate to touch and taste and fill her senses with nothing other than you.

“ oh god “ you whined as she flattened her tongue, licking across your nipple and testing your reaction. She knew you’d be whiny. Knew you’d be someone she could work into a whimpering mess with ease.

She had a knack for knowing these things.

“ you’re fuckin beautiful “ she said as she rolled a nipple between her fingers, peppering kisses across your chest as she did “ so fuckin beautiful “ she was stupid to think she’d be able to forget you with a bottle of whiskey. How on earth would she ever get the image of you underneath her out of her mind.

You squirmed around beneath her, small sighs and whimpers escaping past your lips when she grazed her teeth against your skin. Your fingers lacing into her hair and scratching your blunt nails against her scalp.

She didn’t let herself get side tracked for too long, she had an end goal to reach that resulted in her head happily between your thighs. And with the sounds you were already making and the way you were squirming around, she got the picture you were more than ready for that.

She moved back up to be level with your face, kissing you again and letting her hands wander. Mapping out your body with her fingers so she could commit the thought to memory.

“ please Tess. I need you. God I need you just- please “ you whimpered into her mouth, raising your hips up against her in desperation. If you had been anyone else she’d have denied you. Made you beg and edged you until she was bored “ I waited weeks don’t make me wait any longer “

But she couldn’t do that to you. How could she possibly deny you of anything you wanted from her? When you were underneath her looking like that, making sounds like that.

“ weeks huh? “

“ yes “ that made her feel pretty fucking smug. But also made her feel slightly less stupid for… whatever it was she was feeling for you.

So she didn’t waste any time. Moving down your body after another kiss to your swollen lips.

She pulled your underwear down your legs soothing her hands over your thighs before pushing them apart. Making a point to leave the shirt on. Part of her felt like she shouldn’t be rushing. But she was desperate to taste you.

The noise that left your mouth when she parted you with her tongue was heavenly, she felt addicted in an instant. She wanted to hear it again. Over and over. She never wanted to hear a single other sound for the rest of her life. It paired with the look on your face had a small shuddering breath passing her own lips, in complete and utter awe of you.

She had wanted to draw it out, to have you writhing and whimpering and wreck you for anyone else. But the sounds you were making and the blissful look in your eyes… she was desperate to make you come. Desperate to see what you’d look like, what sounds that would draw out of you. Maybe it was a little selfish, but she didn’t care.

Your taste flooded her tongue and she was like a starving woman eating for the first time in days. She was feral.

Her arms looped around your thighs to keep you in place and she went to town. She wanted to feel you coming on her tongue, wanted to see the exact look on your face, know the taste.

She felt like she could stay there for hours. Days. Weeks. Trapped between the pillowy flesh of your thighs, senses flooded with you. Your taste on her tongue, your moans in her ears, soft skin beneath her fingers.

Your fingers pulled at her hair, whining her name in a way that made a smug smile creep its way onto her face.

“ you know it’s… it’s been a while so- “ you attempted to form a sentence, gasping and arching your back in between your words “ I don’t think I’ll last- fuck Tess “ that was practically music to her ears. And a lively boost to the ego that she had you on edge already.

“ that’s okay sweetheart, you wanna come for me? Yeah? “ you eyes were screwed shut and you nodded quickly, pushing her face closer to your cunt again which made her smile “ I got you”

It was only another minute or so until you were pulling almost painfully at her hair, holding on for dear life as you came on her tongue. You were stronger than she’d expected, managing to trap her head with your thighs even with her holding them, keeping her in place until your body went slack and she she came up gasping for air. With the biggest fucking smug grin on her face.

She looked up at you from her spot between your legs, admiring the blissful look on your face, the droplets of sweat along your sternum, her shirt still hanging open on you.

She made her way back up to your lips with a trail of kisses. Wet, soft, open mouthed kisses that made goosebumps rise on your skin.

“ you good? “ she asked, pressing a chaste kiss to your lips

“ good doesn’t even cut it “ she laughed as you beamed a smile, open your eyes to look up at her “ I wanted you to do that after the market “

“ I know you did “ she’d wanted to do it too. But she’d stopped herself like the idiot she clearly was. She moved to lay beside you, still watching you closely. She wanted to remember every detail of you. No matter how painful it would be. She wanted to remember.

“ you know what else I wanna do? “ you said, shuffling closer and trailing your hand along her waist and across the front of her. She grabbed at your hand before you could move it any closer, effectively stopping you in your tracks

“ please let me “ you whispered, eyes wide and glassy looking up at her like she was the last woman on earth. She wasn’t used to being looked at like that. Even with you. Even with you who had never looked at her with anything but some seemingly deep rooted adoration and affection. Never fear.

“ you don’t have to “ it was rare she let anyone reciprocate. She didn’t like the way it made her feel so… exposed. Vulnerable. Like some baby animal being lured into a lions den ready to be mauled to death.

You reached up with your other hand, gently brushing her dark hair away from her face and behind her ear. She didn’t entirely know how to react. She didn’t now what to do with such tenderness. It made her brain flash with an error code like some janky 90s PC. Her mind coming up blank when confronted with such care and compassion.

“ I know I don’t have to. But I want to. Please “ she was used to people wanting to please her. She could have any fucker running doing whatever she asked if she dangled a bag of pills in front of them, like donkeys working for carrots. But someone wanting to please her like that? To give simply because they felt like that, to not expect a single thing in return.

She didn’t know how to respond. Simply looked at you in silence. You seemed to see the cogs coming to a grinding halt in her head, eyes flickering over her face.

“ you’ll let me Tess? “ she still didn’t really now what to say. And it was starting to piss her off. She always knew what to say. She always knew what to do. But not with you.

You pushed lightly at her shoulder, urging her to lay on her back. And to her own surprise she found herself doing it, head falling against the pillow and your face re appearing above hers. That alone felt a little wrong. She never let anyone on top. Ever. Never sacrificed that power to anyone.

“ after all you’ve done for me “ you whispered against her lips, nudging your nose to hers “ you deserve something in return. Let me make you feel as good as you made me feel “ she could feel small tendrils of panic starting to wind their way up into her chest, twisting around her ribs and tightening. So she took back some control, hand slipping to the back of your neck and pulling you down to kiss her as hard as she could manage.

She knew you weren’t about to do anything bad. But it was simply the act of letting someone have her so vulnerable to them. It terrified her.

“ trust me “ you whispered in between kisses “ you trust me don’t you? “

“ yeah “ she surprised herself with how quickly she said it, how unbelievably certain she was of the fact. That she did trust you. In the weeks since you’d woken up she’d grown to trust you as much as she’d trust Joel. Maybe she was stupid for that.

She took a sharp intake of breath as your hand pushed past her underwear, fingers dipping into the wetness between her folds and softly circling her clit.

“ see, you’re wet. Pretty proud of myself for that “ you were trying to lighten the mood and it helped a little. A small smile trying to creep its way onto her face.

She was used to her own fingers and only her fingers. But yours were something else. Those soft gentle hands that she had felt looked so out of place in an apocalypse, felt like velvet. You watched her face intently and she almost felt embarrassed, it was odd for her. To be so exposed and so closely observed.

You slipped your fingers inside of her with ease, her eyes falling closed as she attempted to steady her breathing from the intrusion. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d let someone do that, she’d forgotten how it felt. It was nothing like how it felt to do it herself.

You were reaching places she never could, breathy sounds escaping her even when she tried to stop them.

“ I wish you could see what you looked like right now “ your voice was almost awe filled, like you were simply amazed the sight of her. Maybe you were

“ shut up “ she said, breathless, pulling you down to kiss her again in some attempt to change the subject. Not wanting the attention on herself, sinking her teeth into your bottom lip to make you whimper into her mouth again.

She figured she’d be done just as fast as you had been, especially when you seemed to know exactly where to touch. You hit some place devastating, the tight knot in her belly growing and growing

“ fuck. Stay right fuckin there “ she gasped, fingers gripping your wrist as you did as she’d asked. Focussing on the same spot over and over again. She kept her eyes on you. Kneeling over her, in her shirt, the sight alone was enough to finish her off.

She pulled you down to her mouth again, scared she’d do something embarrassing like make noise, kissing you as she came on your fingers. Holding you firmly in place as her walls convulsed around you and her body rushed with heat, every muscle tensing before going limp and leaving her feeling like a rag doll.

She was breathless as she let you go, her skin on fire and prickling with heat.

“ well fuck me “ she mumbled. Throwing an arm over her eyes for a moment and to her surprise, laughing. You giggled beside her laying down and slinging a leg over hers, both your skins slippery with sweat. But she didn’t care.

“ I just did didn’t I? “ you said in the most innocent tone, simply making her laugh again. You both settled into a comfortable silence then, lazily kissing until you dropped your head.

As you both lay there, your head resting on her chest and hand over her heart, she almost wanted to cry. Which was fucking stupid. She didn’t cry. That wasn’t her.

“ you know you’re still gonna have to leave “ she whispered “ it’s not safe for you to stay here “ she felt your breathing stutter slightly and she knew you were crying. But she didn’t mention it. Didn’t want to embarrass you or risk making herself cry too by acknowledging it “ you know you still have to go “You gave a small nod. You knew. You knew this was always going to be the outcome, both of you did.

“ yeah. I know “ she was silent for a few minutes before gently pushing at your body, urging you to turn on your side. She pressed herself against your back, her arms sliding gently over your waist and her nose nudging lightly at the back of your neck.

“ couple more hours “ she whispered against your skin “ couple more hours. Then I’ll take you to the wall… couple more “ you rested your hand over hers and nodded again, tears welling in her eyes as you did. She refused to let them fall. She wasn’t that pathetic.

“ couple more hours “ you echoed softly, voice barely above a whisper in some attempt to hide the evident crack in your tone as you seemingly failed at keeping the tears in “ just a couple more “

#this took ridiculousy long to transfer but here you go #tess servopoulos x reader #tess servopoulos #tess tlou #the last of us #tlou #the last of us fanfic #x you #smut #fluff #Anna torv #other characters for exposure:#Joel miller #Ellie Williams #Tommy miller

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bonny-kookoo · 1 year

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Hi Bonny! I don't know if you're still doing stuff for this story (feel free to ignore if you aren't) but I couldn't help but wonder how Lacrymaria Olor!(I pray that I spelt that right) JK would react to MC getting her period for the first time. Especially after seeing his little freak out when we almost got kidnapped. Anyways, have a good day/afternoon/evening/night!

Nop, that was actually never asked- so here you go! Set very close before the happenings of Part 3, just for a clearer timeline haha

Some things about you have pretty much gone unnoticed before Jungkook truly began showing more intimate interest in you. From quirks and habits, to more unique things that set yours and his kind apart- and you tend to forget that some things he's never witnessed.

Before, you'd sleep in a room just for you- and you'd be cared for by maids he'd apparently hired just for the purpose of making sure you wouldn't have to worry about anything. They'd tend to any request you might have, and apparently even had to learn about some human anatomy simply to be able to be prepared for anything that might happen.

Things like.. well, your period.

And every month, it would be fine- so much so that you got used to using the cloth-like material in a way similar to how you'd use pads bad on earth. It became normal again, in a way. His palace became.. somewhat home.

You're woken up in the middle of the night, a clearly distressed Jungkook leaning above you, eyes wide open, scanning your body it seems like. "What- what's going on?" You mumble half asleep, now sitting up as well before you cringe at the cramping of your lower stomach.

And when you look down, you notice it.

"I've already called for Namjoon. Don't worry- we'll fix it." He promises, holding your hands, while you laugh a bit under your breath.

"I- Jungkook I'm fine." You tell him, and he shakes his head.

"You don't have to act tough right now-" He softly argues, and you shake your head again, carefully trying to sit up and wiggle out of bed. "Don't stand-"

"Jungkook, this is normal- let me clean up please." You giggle, squeezing past his arms and into the bathroom, where you do just that- finishing your business only a few minutes later, emerging out of the bathroom again just to run into Jungkook's chest. "oh-"

"What's happening to you?" He asks, now a lot more serious.

"I'm.. menstruating?" You raise your brows a bit, testing if he knows what that word means- but his face tells you he clearly doesn't- but Namjoon clears his throat in the doorway now, similarly amused over his friend's and king's distress.

"Her body is preparing for pregnancy." He bluntly states, giving you some hygiene necessities you take with a thankful nod, slipping back into the bathroom to fix yourself up. "Humans bleed during that time, and shed some of the lining of their internal reproductive organs." He explains, while Jungkook looks absolutely horrified as he watches the maids silently change the bedsheets.

"Will she be okay?" He asks, worry clear in his tone. "What does she need to regain her blood?" He instantly wants to know, and Namjoon laughs.

"Jungkook, I just wanna sleep.." You say, leaning against him, and he instantly holds you close, delicately as if you're a wounded pet on it's last breath.

"She'll have some cramps and will probably be a bit less active than you're used to. But she's fine, just like she said. She knows her body best. If anything is out of the ordinary for her, I am sure she will let us know." Namjoon says, and you nod.

And so Jungkook, albeit reluctantly, gets back to bed with you-

and holds you just a little tighter tonight, just to be safe.

#bts imagine #bts fanfic #bts fic #jungkook imagine #jeon jungkook x reader #jeon jungkook imagine #alien!jungkook #alien jungkook

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29121996 · 1 year

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#basically got permission to be pyscho but in tjr OPPOSITE direction #i.e if i go crazy in an argument i have tl go crazy w the apology #and the way i lit up at that ohh im fucmed up #i dpnt . do this until i GET permission bc ive brrn told it can be manipulation (and i never mean for it to be)#its just a way of trying to correct the damage ive done and he said it was ok #like its not as crazy as it sounds ill tell you that but . it does make mr frel better knowing that the way #i wa na go abt my apologies and fuck ups im allowed to do that #ive also got a bit of work to do. and im not sure how to go abt thst until tje situstion arises where the triggers There.#but ive done the mentsl work and figured out WHY #its just reminding muself of tjst wjen im feeli f triggered or having a cycle repeat . bc logic and common sense go out tje window #gotta love trauma brains.#its so funny to realise he rlly just wants to be loved the way i do.#and i wisb i wasnt so afrsid of giving him that. but im so afraid of giving my all and getting nothing back.#anyway. learned a lot the last 3 days. truly.

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aphroditesmoon · 1 year

Text

whatever fits together

gwen stacy x spidergirl!reader

summary: gwen meets your little brother for the first time (･ω･)

warnings: afab!reader, orphan reader, makeout session.

A/N: idk man I just want gwen to wife me up fr.

♡♡♡

ALL YOUR LIFE, you've only ever saw your brother in your future. There were other people, of course. Whatever friends left that you you haven't ghosted or the ones that haven't left you at the time. But the only constant present you've ever considered in the decisions you make for yourself, has always been your brother.

You were orphaned at 14. Technically only your mother had died in the bus accident, but you can barely remember your father's face, he was dead in your mind.

When Miguel scouted you in, you saw how he tiptoed around your story, and how he tried to sympathise with you, but if you were being honest, you can't really remember how you managed to raise your brother on your own for 3 and a half years while also learning to manage your newfound powers. You knew you it was hard, but you also knew that before you joined the Spider Society, every decision you made was for survival, it was your natural instinct.

There were no space in your life for you to sit around and be a child, nor were there any time to consider every emotional and mental consequences your choices could've provoked. You had to grow up. You had a 3 year old to raise then.

Once you've joined Miguel, you thought you'd finally find some sense of peace within yourself, with all the security and stability the spider society provided.

But coming home to an apartment you've been provided after your first mission, all you felt at the sight of your clothes, arranged in an actual closet instead of a duffel bed, and your brother sleeping in a room he could finally call his own, was nothing, except for a terrible and tremendous stab of pain in your chest.

It was all worth it for him, you truly believed that. And yet you felt like it wasn't worth anything to you.

The strangeness of feeling so alone around a place filled with so many people. You didn't know the first thing about making friends, or having hobbies. In fact, you weren't even sure if you knew what you really looked like anymore, with all the crime fighting and changing hotels every week, you didn't really have the time to be looking in the mirror. It was terrifying.

And yet despite all of that, the universe has somehow managed to slip in an angel shaped as a blonde and witty girl in your life. Somehow she was a lot more shittier in starting up conversations than you were, but from the first glance you shared with Gwen, a mutual understanding was formed.

And from there, a bond was made.

You love early mornings, even when you were often alone, the hours spent after the clocked reaches 11pm have always felt loud, and suffocating. Shops are fully opened and streets are filled with people off to work. So every day, like an automatic alarm clock, you'll find yourself waking up around 7 to 8am to fully enjoy that morning glory.

You've seen the sun sparkle everday in your life, but never have you seen it shine this beautifully through your light blue curtains. Looking below it, your eyes meet the sleeping form of Gwen Stacy by your side.

She was snoring lightly, and though it annoyed you at first, it was also a subtle reminder to you that she was there, next to you, as you tossed and turn in your bed trying to get used to the alien feeling of sleeping with someone else besides your smaller sized brother sharing your bed.

Checking the time on your phone, large numbers of 9:15 reflects on your eyes. making you let out a low sigh.

You came home and slept late last night. Arriving to your apartment through a portal past midnight, hand in hand with Gwen as you introduce her to your house, and to your roon.

It was a Saturday, you comforted yourself. And you were in your bed, making out with the most beautiful girl you've seen, what's the rush anyways. The sudden slam opening of your door jolts you up, and enters from there, a very loud and jumpy 7 year old who was expecting the joyous feeling of finally being able to wake up earlier than his older sibling and getting to brag about it.

He halts on his step when he sees the stranger at your side, who is now wide awake thanks to the slammed door.

"God's sake, what did I say about knocking?" You scolded while getting yourself out og bed, toes clencing at the cold tiles when your feet reaches the floor.

"There's someone next to you, can you see her?" He asks, ignoring you.

Gwen's face was dazed and confused, her eyes were squinting and she wasn't showing any signs of getting up. "Yeah I see her." You replied, walking over to him. "That's my buddy, yeah? Be nice to her."

You hear a incoherent mumble from him as he remains staring at her strangely.

"Why don't you help me get the eggs out? You can help me make breakfast?" You suggested, turning him around and kissing the back of his head. "Is she getting breakfast too?" He asks while walking away to the kitchen, his loud voice bouncing off the walls. "Yes, please." You shouted back to him before moving towards your girl again.

"Sorry about that." You spoke with a much hushed tone. Gwen has her upper body up and againts the headboard, eyes fully open as she takes you in under the sun's glow. "No it's fine, I actually forgot you had a brother to be honest." She admits, smiling as you crawl onto the bed towards her. "Really? I thought I must've been talking about him too much that everyone probably has his name memorised." You chuckled. She hummed and shook her head.

You let your fingers intertwine with her laid out ones, closing your fists into hers. "Do you like eggs?" You whisper at her, leaning in closer to her face. "Yeah, I do." She whispers back, booping your nose. "I also like your brother, he's cute." She adds.

A laugh sprouts out of you as your foreheads lay againts eachother's. "Oh no, he's a real fox once you get to know him, next thing I know you two will be teaming up againts me." She snorts and pulls away slightly to properly look at your face. "Also buddy?" She teases, recalling your early words. "I had my tongue down your throat like-" You groaned and shoved her playfully trying to hide your blossoming smile.

"Oh yeah, sure, lets tell him that." You intererject sarcastically. She rolls her eyes and presses a kiss on your cheek before climbing off the bed where you're still on.

She walks over to your desk and then to your vanity, last night's crumpled shirt still on. "You have a vinyl player." She noted, pulling out your vinyls.

"Japanese Breakfast-" She reads, "and Mitski. Of course you like Mitski." You huffed at her words, nearing her. "What's that supposed to mean?" Gwen makes an incomprehensible noise and shrugged her shoulders. "I don’t know, like, you're, emo?" You choked out a laugh, eyes widening at her explanation. "What?" You breathed out, still laughing. Gwen joins in with a giggle as she tries to reason.

"I've never seen you in anything but black, I mean except right now." She gesturesnto your teal shirt. "Also, having a Mitski vinyl is already one of the requirements, I think."

"Anddd, Radiohead? You're a cliche."

You scoffed, pulling her away from your vinyl player towards the door. "You would know." Gwen gasps loudly. "What is that supposed to mean?" You only smile while pushing her to kitchen with your arms around her waist, holding her from behind.

The smell of eggs fill your nostrils when you entered the kitchen, untangling your hands from Gwen, you swore under your breath before sprinting to your brother, cracking eggs on the pan. "I told you to get the eggs out only." Pulling him away from the pan, you tell him to take a seat while you handle the eggs.

"I've seen you do it, I know how to make them myself." He mumbles. "I can hear you." You voice out. "Elephant" He tries again. You gave him a glance, frowning. "I heard that too?" "Good." He responds.

Hearing Gwen chuckling quietly, you spare her a glare too. "Just like I said, already teaming up."

Your brother hops off his seat after a long minute staring at Gwen from the fisheyed view his glass of water gave, Making her eyes look ten times bigger than they are.

"My sister says you're her buddy." He says it like it's a question. Gwen raises a brow at him. "Did she? I don't know, I think we're a little bit more than buddies." You tense, turning around to glare at her again. "Gwen-" you called out in a warning tone.

"You're best buddies?" Your brother's voice speaks before shw could. "Oh my god." You groaned to yourself. Gwen actually laughs at that. "Yeah, something like that." He analyses her answer until he decided it was good enough. "Okay, she's never had any friends before." This time you actually spin around towards them.

"Dude." You chastised him. "I have friends, you've met them!" You defended yourself as he starts to giggle loudly at your offended state. "No you don't." He affirms, making you stick out your tongue at him before placing the plates of breakfast on the table.

"Don't worry little dude, I can tell." Gwen tells him, the both of them giving you a top from bottom look.

"One more word and I'm throwing both of you out." Your brother has the decency to look scared before digging into his meal, but Gwen only grins at you widely before winking. She also notices how much your brother likes to kick people's feet under the table and then immediately blaming someone else when you scold him. "Your buddy did it! My feet can't even reach you!" He yelled. "Yes it can, I can literally feel your tiny toes right now, don't make me kick you back." You threatened, earning another kick before he seriously stops.

Once everyone has finished eating, you went straight to do the dishes, profusely refusing any help from Gwen, enjoying the bits of control in your life you feel whenever you're cleaning up things.

"Can I show Gwen my spidergirl collection?" Your brother begged. You fight againts a grin, saying yes to him.

Despite keeping a very strict no contact rules you had for authoritative figures and the press, your New York has still found a way to capitalize off of you, which was the Spidergirl Dolls that came with many different stylesnof clothing fron the same theme of your suit.

Gwen gives you a smile and a thumbs up before following him, his voice echoing from the hall as he explains the difference of the dolls. "-and this other doll has a samurai sword too-", you shook your head.

How the hell did they even came up with these concepts?

Finishing off the last few dishes, you make your way to the hall, where both of your favourite people are sitting crossed legged on the flower patterned carpet.

"What's up here?" You ask him as you crouch down to sit.

"The sky." He jokes. "Funny." You respond dryly. Gwen gives you a look that says 'I wonder where he gets it from', making you toss a doll at her that she catches easily, smiling.

Gwen turns to your brother, holding up a caped spidergirl doll. "How much are these anyways, where im from, these kind of figurines are expensive." He looka at her dumbly and shrugged. "Figyu-?" She ruffled his hair, "Never mind."

Moving to sit closer to her, you explain the pricing. "If you buy directly from the store, they definitely cost like a $100 or more, unfortunately I don't think even the real spidergirl would've been give a discount." You explain, hinting that your brother has no idea about your secret identity.

Gwen snorted at your last sentence. "Foul, so what, you bought fake ones?" You slapped a hand across your chest, feigning hurt. "No, excuse you, I bought them second hand. You have no idea how many people there are online, giving up good quality figurines for less than $50." Gwen responds with a knowing 'ahh' while nodding her head. "That makes sense."

"Most of these were bought for his birthday, though I think this year he'd like something else, hm?" You question from his side, wiggling your brows.

"I want a Transformers." He answers simply. "A trans what?" Gwen exclaims, confused.

You smiled at her face expression that was similar to a terrified cat, eyes widening in a bewildered manner. "A Transformers." You repeat aloud. "It's a car robot, like its a car that turns into a giant robot." You were describing it horrendously, but it got the job done. "I don't think we have that in my place." Gwen justifies her reaction. "Are you from loser planet?" Your brother asks, receiving stutters from a baffled Gwen and a embarrassingly loud giggle from you.

"I'm from a very normal and cool place alright." You share a look with your brother, side eyeing her. "I saw that." She calls out. "No you didn't!" He yells out all of the sudden before getting up and running to his room.

You flinch at his movements and shouted loudly, "Where are you going?" After a few seconds of loud breathing and feet stomping, he finally responds. "Im showing her our Transformers CDs!"

"Oh." You exhange a look with Gwen. "Looks like you're in for a ride, feeling alright for a movie?" She looks suprised but accepts the offer easily. "Bring in the trans cars."

---

The little boy lasted two hours before passing out. His head on Gwen's lap triggered a slight jealousy in you. Although knowing that he will grow up and eventually meet new people he'd be fond of more than you, it was still jarring to see it play out right in front of your eyes.

You reach your arms out gently to him, "Let me take him to bed." You whisper to Gwen who only responds with an okay.

He's deep into slumber as you carry him into his room and gently place him onto his bed. After fluffing out his pillow, you let go of your palms holding on his head, letting it gently fall onto the soft material.

Gwen's footsteps are quiet behind you, the small sound of the creaking door tells you she's there.

Getting back up on your feet aftet tucking your brother in, you spin around to the curious girl who's eyes are roaming his walls. "Did he draw this?" She giggled, pointing at a drawing you made. "I love him but this literally looks like a deformed Mickey Mouse."

She glaces to you in hope of sharing a laugh but immediately turns quiet when she notices your frown. "That's mine you dipshit." You snapped and walked over to flick her forehead.

"Ouch, sorry." She apologizes in a groan. "It does look like a deform-" you shove her out of the room before closing the door behind you.

"It is not a rat, its a bear." She grins at your pouting face. "Whatever you say."

You thought she'd be opening a portal back to her universe by now. How is her father now worried? Does he not see what's he's been gifted with?

It was visibly dark outside, the clock barely striking 10pm yet. You'd spent the whole night yesterday with eachother, and the whole day too, binging Transformers movies. If it were you in her shoes, with someone else that wasn't her, you would've left much earlier, the tiring efforts of socialising was usually worst than any weekly villain.

She stops walking when she realizes you've halted in your steps behind her. Her head tilts to look at you. "What's wrong? You don't want to sleep?" She asks.

You open your mouth to speak, but nothing leaves your lips. Gwen's face contorts anxiously as she turns around towards you. "What's wrong?" She asks again. You force yourself to talk. "I want to sleep." Silence fills the space between you and her for a solid minute. "So do I." Gwen finally decides to say cautiously.

Your shoulders drops, letting your strained body and features relax. "Yeah, okay. Let's sleep." Gwen is cut off before she coukd even start as you continue where your words left off by intertwining your fingers with hers and leading the way to your bed. She says nothing about your behaviour after, accepting your returning affections. "If you wanted to makeout instead, just say that." She jokes earning a tired chuckle. "After that long ass movie? No, I'm wrecked."

#gwen stacy x reader #gwen stacy atsv #gwen stacy #spiderman across the spiderverse #atsv x reader #atsv fic #ghost spider x reader #ghost spider

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stateswscarlet · 1 year

Note

Hi Scarlet! I saw your twt bio said no dms so I thought I would share my successes here that I got from your threads and content!

Bit of a background: I hovered over from the a+p girlies after affirming for 9-10 months for all my desires, using everything they taught and even putting full faith into thoughts and science manifesting. I would affirm almost nonstop (during work, school, even as I was eating/talking to others) for the entire time and I eventually got super frustrated! Not a single manifestation came in or even the slightest movement, maybe a butterfly and a car here and there (looking back at it its because I accepted seeing them internally and didn’t contradict that state, it wasn’t even the affirming). In March-ish I found your account on my timeline and previously I would ignore any states related information because I thought states were the same as dominant thoughts, but something about your thread at the time caught my attention which led me down a rabbit hole (positively!) of consuming your threads. I realized a lot of it actually made sense and explained why I didn’t see success so far.

Anyways so after a few weeks of learning about states I decided to stop overconsuming and stick to your account and edward art ONLY for all my manifestation needs. It was a little hard breaking free from the affirming mindset but I decided to focus on embodying how it would feel if I no longer had to worry about my thoughts and allowed that to wash over me. I used your “embody being the solution” thread SO SO much and I realized I was able to quickly solve all my internal issues using that because anytime I felt stuck, I just had to assume the feeling of being unstuck and what the ideal situation would be! I also fell in love with fulfilling my imagination and although I did care about experiencing it in the 3D, it was more like me not even thinking of it reflecting because its a LAW. I remember you saying you don’t even have to think about stuff reflecting because it does so anyways and my only role is to naturally give it to myself. So here is a list of some of my *bigger* manifestations that came in within a month-ish of me APPLYING states of being after I learned about it:

SP and I got back together after 8 months no contact and 11 months separation

My top choice graduate school which rejected me months ago actually reaching out to me offering me a spot saying the rejection was a “system error”

Free coachella tickets all expense paid in a luxury hotel that sponsored not only me but my boyfriend and 3 friends

My favorite makeup brand randomly sending me a HUGE package of makeup that I never ordered or asked for (I wanted more makeup from this brand)

My dad receiving a random check to clear his entire credit card debt of around a decade

A better job for my boyfriend that pays him double of his last one and has flexible hours that he didn’t need to apply for or interview and hes been loving it!

Free first class plane tickets to Bali this summer! I had already booked normal ones months before but last week I got an email saying my party had randomly been selected for a free upgrade. This happened like a day or so after I for fun assumed the state of someone who has a live of luxury.

I have other smaller successes but these are some of my main ones!I really want to thank you scarlet you have honestly changed my life and I can’t believe it truly was that easy all along! Thank you for your amazing threads, please continue dropping more (I literally have your notifs on haha)

AWW YAYYYYYAYAYS IM SO HAPPY TO HEAR THAT!! You’re absolutely amazing🫶🏼

I dont even use this platform but just thought I would share this ❤️

#law of assumption #neville goddard #embodyingstates #manifesation #loass

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am-i-the-asshole-official · 1 year

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WIBTA if I canceled my wedding or at least change the plans I already agreed to?

So I (26M) got engage to my boyfriend (28M), we’ll call him John, about 4 weeks ago. We’ve been together for the past 5 years.

To provide some context, John and I come from different backgrounds, he grew up in a upper middle class urban and very progressive family, I come from a middle class/lower middle class rural family. I have one twin brother (26M) and one sister (17F) and my mom and dad. They all are very involved in the local community and their church and basically everyone in my family is very religious (but my sister). I always was a good student growing up, so naturally about 9-10 years ago, I left my hometown and move to the big city about 4h away to study. I have been out to my family for about 3-4 years now, and while I wouldn’t say they are supportive, they are not homophobic either. Mostly we don’t talk about it and just pretend like there’s nothing. I’m pretty happy with this situation because I know of so many people who were just rejected by their family, so I feel lucky they are still here for me.

So anyway, back to the wedding, John really wants to have a big wedding where we would invite everyone in our families and friends, just like his siblings had (he has 5 brothers and 2 sisters) and since I’ve been to 2 of his brother’s weddings and enjoyed them a lot, I agreed that this is the kind of wedding I wanted.

Then I called my mom to tell her about the engagement and the wedding, but she told me that, she doesn’t want to be rude, she’s truly happy and proud of me, but that her, my dad, brother and sister wouldn’t attend because that would be too much for them. (I also suspect that they’re afraid that people in my hometown will learn about it and start talking). My sister later reached out to tell me she was saving her allowance so she could come.

I told John about the decision of my family not to come to the wedding and he gave me the look (queer/lgbt people out there, you know THAT look) and was visibly upset. Later we went to play soccer with 2 of his brothers (that I’ve actually known for longer than John) and we talked about it. I explained that I was kind of bummed out to have to do all the wedding stuff without my family (especially my bro) like choosing the tuxedo etc. of course they both gave me the look, then they told me it was non sense that I wasn’t gonna do it alone, and that they would do it with me, because after all after all these years I was like one of the brothers. Later that day also, john’s dad called to tell me how sorry he was, and that I he would also do all the wedding stuff with me and the brothers, and that John would rather have his mom with him for that anyway. That was really sweet of them and I thanked them all (and kind of agreed to it?).

Last weekend, we were discussing the guest list for the wedding with John, (we won’t get married before next summer but apparently you gotta do these things super early), and John told me he already told his whole family (that’s like 45 people) and his childhood friends (around 30 people) and they were super excited to meet me (for those I don’t know). This is the moment I became very uncomfortable about the wedding, because I’m gonna have like 10-15 people with the +1, all friends that I made as an adult and no one from my family or my childhood. I also realized that I was gonna spend my wedding day getting the look from EVERYONE we know and this is just not something that I want.

Now I’m thinking of canceling the wedding because I know this is gonna be a terrible day for me, but since I know John really wants to get married and I sort of already agreed to the big wedding plan, he talked to everyone about it and I don’t know if I can ask him to scale it down to like 10 people and close family only? So WIBTA if I canceled my wedding or change the plans after agreeing to it?

PS1: I know the real AH are my family in this situation, but this is not something I can control so pointing that out is useless. I want to know would I be an AH if I did something within my control and how can I not be one. And just fyi, they are great people, not progressive for sure, but they are trying the best they know how and for that they deserve more respect than hate.

PS2: I know my sister told me she would be here, but if my parents aren’t coming, I’d rather she doesn’t come because I’m afraid this is gonna create so many problems for her and my parents. Of course, if I feel like she’s gonna show up anyway, I’ll pay for her trip expenses, she’s still a child.

PS3: No I haven’t talk to John about the look and how I feel because I know it’s gonna ruin the day for him, and that he will try to fix it and find a solution to a problem that doesn’t really have one. He’s sweet but he would be useless in this situation. And I love him enough that if necessary I’ll go through with the original plan so that he can have this day to remember.

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

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justagalwhowrites · 1 year

Text

Lavender - Ch. 13

Joel learns something big that changes everything. A continuation of Lavender Ch. 1-12, found on Tumblr here.

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Warnings: Miscarriage (mentioned and referenced, not described); suicidal ideation. Some smut. No use of Y/N. Minors DNI 18+ only.

Length: 4.4K

A/N: GUYS THIS IS A HEAVY CHAPTER. Full explanation in the notes at the end of the chapter, with some spoilers. Scroll to the bottom and read that if you're worried about this chapter. It's not graphic but it's emotionally VERY heavy. Take care of yourselves and all the love in the world <3

Saturday, July 4, 2009 - 3 months later

“What’s Steve gonna do?” You asked, legs stretched out alongside the small table in the break room of the clinic.

“Hopefully act like an adult for a change,” Andrew smiled. “Get his own place. He’s gotta grow up sometime.”

“Aw, you’re going to be like empty nesters,” you teased. He laughed. “Moving in together… big step.”

“Right?” He shook his head. “Might as well call it marriage.” He turned his bottle of water in his fingers, watching the plastic fracture the light. “I’m not making a mistake, right?”

“You love her?” You asked.

“More than anything,” he said.

“Then no,” you smiled. “Not making a mistake. Jess is… she’s the best. Truly. You’re lucky she had a lapse in judgement that lasted long enough to start seeing you…”

He lightly kicked your leg and you laughed.

“I’m really glad you figured your shit out with her,” you looked at him and smiled as he nodded.

“You and me both.”

After meeting Jess at the speakeasy just after Joel and Tommy made it to the QZ, Andrew just… kept bumping into her. When he went to the warehouse to pick up supplies for the clinic? She was there. At the market? She was there. At the speakeasy? She was there. And he kept watching her, out of the corner of his eye, like he thought no one would notice. But you did.

“Are you going to actually talk to her again or are you going to just pine after her from afar because you’re hung up on her name?” You asked him eventually when she passed on the street and the two of you were walking to the clinic.

“I can pine all I want, thank you,” he huffed.

“I don’t think you want to just pine, bud,” you replied. He sighed.

“I just can’t…” he looked up at the sky for a moment. “How am I supposed to get through the day if I’m always reminded of her? I mean I know I only knew her for a week but fuck…”

“I don’t think time matters as much when you’re trying to survive,” you shrugged. “By the time we got to the QZ we’d known each other, what, three weeks?”

“Shit,” he sighed. “Yeah.”

“It’s just different,” you shrugged. “I was ready to claw someone’s eyes out for looking at you wrong.”

“I punched Elias for not letting me see you for five minutes,” he winced. You looked up at him, shocked. “Oh yeah, that was when you weren’t responding to anything. Forgot you didn’t know about that. He forgave me pretty quick.”

You shook your head.

“Point is,” you said. “A week is plenty when you’re relying on each other to stay alive. You protected her. You were there when… Anyway, it makes sense is what I’m saying. But that doesn’t mean it needs to hold up your whole life, you know?”

“So you think I should talk to her.”

“I think you need to get your head out of your ass or you’re going to watch her fall in love with someone else and be pissed at yourself about it and I’m going to be the one who has to deal with you.”

For a change, he took your advice.

Introducing you to Jess had been a process. Andrew had - apparently - talked about you. A lot. And she’d seen you with him around the QZ. He’d set up a night at the speakeasy, just the three of you. You got there early. Andrew came over and hugged you, whispering in your ear “I’m so fucking nervous.” You gave him a squeeze.

“Jess this is…” he held his hand out to you, frowning. Like he couldn’t think of how to qualify you.

“I’m the outbreak survival partner turned best friend,” you smiled, holding out your hand. “And you’re the girlfriend!”

“Hi,” she smiled, taking your hand and looking relieved.

You talked for a while, getting to know each other. She had been a junior in college when the outbreak hit, studying psychology. She worked doing psych evaluations for FEDRA now, but wanted to try to get some kind of mental health system set up in the QZ eventually. She was sweet, smart and obviously very into Andrew. When he left to go get drinks, she watched him go before turning to you.

“Oh my God,” she sighed and then laughed. “I’ve been panicking about meeting you, you’re very intimidating! He doesn’t really have any other family or people besides you and he talks about you all the time. I’ve been hoping you’ll at least tolerate me! I feel like I’m meeting the parents and the big sister and the best friend at the same time… I’m so glad you’re nice!”

“Oh hon,” you laughed and put an arm around her, giving her a squeeze. “I don’t think I’ve ever intimidated anyone so thank you for that! You’re lovely, I’m now going to require him to bring you around as much as you’ll stand us.”

“Then expect to see me an awful lot,” she smiled, looking back toward the bar. “I’m kind of crazy about the guy.”

It helped that she went by Jess. It helped more that she was able to exist as her own, separate person with no ties to Jessica the more you were around her. She even understood when you or Andrew needed the other when things got hard and no one else understood.

Moving in with her was the right choice.

“You and Joel any closer to…” he gestured vaguely, eyebrows raised.

“Let’s not talk about my slowly devolving love life,” you took a drink of water.

“I will kick his ass,” he said. “Just say the word.” You rolled your eyes. “Seriously though. What’s going on? I thought things were a little better after you actually told him what happened…”

“It was, for about five minutes,” you sighed. “He’s only slept over three nights in the last week…” You swallowed the knot in your throat. “It’s like he’s looking for an out. I keep trying to ask him if something is wrong or if I did something… It reminds me of the last time I visited him in Texas, before the outbreak. He broke up with me a few weeks later and, in hindsight, that whole trip felt like him saying goodbye.”

You sighed, finishing your bottle of water. Joel had slept over the night before and it was like his body was in your bed but the rest of him was gone.

He’d been lying flat on his back and you wrapped around him, stretching up and kissing his cheek. His arm never went around you to pull you closer like it usually did. You tried to press yourself against his side, tried to soak up as much of him as you could. When you kissed the side of his neck, he turned his head and lifted your chin, crashing his lips into yours. His kiss was harsh, consuming. He all but tore your tank top and cotton shorts off your body, leaving them in a heap on the floor.

His fingers dug into your flesh, into the spaces between your ribs, into the soft fullness of your breasts. You clumsily worked your hips against him as he ripped his own clothes off, too, before he pushed two fingers sharply into you, making you gasp.

“Always wet for me,” he said it harshly, almost judgmentally. You moaned, a knot in your stomach that didn’t usually exist when he touched you. “Always fuckin’ wanting it…”

“Joel,” you whimpered and he kissed you, his tongue shoving your mouth open as he pulled his fingers from you and pressed his hard length against you. He entered you with one firm stroke, forcing your walls apart, making you gasp against his mouth.

His hips snapped into yours, his cock slamming into you with each stroke. He bit your neck, took your wrists in his hand and held them down when you tried to run your fingers over his back. Your body kept trying to hold onto him, keep him close and he refused it. You came only seconds before he went slack on top of you, panting for breath.

He slid out of you and collapsed next to you in bed, not touching you. You just stared at the ceiling for a moment, feeling him leaking out of you, slipping away. He was gone when you woke up.

“He’s not the only man on earth, you know,” Andrew was watching you. You frowned a little but nodded. “Steve’s always had a bit of a crush on you…”

You snorted.

“Steve needed me to teach him how to boil pasta.”

“Yeah, he’s got mommy issues,” Andrew half smiled at you. “It explains everything.”

“Doctor?” Marta hung her torso into the break room, her black ponytail swinging over her shoulder. “We need you.”

“We’ll just have to fix my love life another day,” you drummed the tabletop for a second and gave Andrew a small smile before jogging over to Marta and following her to the exam rooms.

“What’s going on?” You asked, fidgeting with your stethoscope.

“Pregnant woman, thinks she’s about 10 weeks?” She passed you the chart. “Says she thinks something’s wrong but hasn’t given me many specifics. Wanted to just tell the doctor.”

You stopped at the exam room door.

“Thanks, Marta,” you gave her a tight smile. “I’ve got it from here.”

You knocked on the door once before stepping in.

“Hey Doc,” the woman smiled. You’d seen her a few times in the clinic through the years for the usual basic things. Coughs that wouldn’t leave, a broken finger, stitches once when she cut her hand as she fell at work. You glanced at the chart. Penelope. Penny. That’s what she’d told you last time.

“Hi Penny,” you smiled back, setting the chart down and going to the sink to wash your hands before putting on gloves. “What seems to be the issue?”

“I slipped at work,” she winced. “Yesterday afternoon…”

“They still letting you on ladders with your track record?” You teased, taking some notes on the chart. She laughed.

“Right?” She said. “You’d think they’d give me another job after a while… Anyway, something’s felt… wrong ever since. And this afternoon I used the bathroom and there was blood in my panties and…”

Your stomach turned and you fought to make sure it didn’t show.

“Let’s take a look.”

***

Joel showed up at the clinic at the same time as Andrew’s girlfriend. He fought the urge to groan. She was a sweet enough girl but he’d never really taken the same liking to her you had. She was young, naive, a little too content to hang on Andrew’s every word. But she was insightful enough to know that he wasn’t about to start a fan club for her, just giving him a tight smile as they both went into the waiting room.

It seemed quiet, at least. Something Joel was relieved for. He kept trying to get some distance from you and then something would pull him back in. You’d smile at him in just the right way, kiss his neck when your body was against him, have a bad day at the clinic and look so exhausted that all he wanted to do was wrap you up and hold you close. It was easier to keep his distance when you didn’t need him. He couldn’t resist you needing him.

“Hey guys,” Andrew sighed, coming out of the back. Jess’ face brightened into a real smile then, looking at her boyfriend like he hung the moon. She put her arms around his neck and he kissed her, long enough that Joel cleared his throat to remind them that he was there. Jess blushed and wrapped her arms around his waist. “It’s going to be a few minutes…” he lowered his voice. “She’s busy with a rough one.”

“Oh no,” Jess frowned. “What’s happening?”

“Miscarriage,” he sighed. “Which is hard on her for obvious reasons…”

Jess just nodded and pressed herself into his side but Joel just frowned.

“What’d you mean, obvious reasons.”

“Well, you know,” Andrew shrugged. “During the outbreak.”

Joel’s stomach dropped and, after a moment, Andrew’s eyes went wide.

“Oh shit,” he breathed. “She didn’t tell you, fuck, she said she’d told you everything, I thought she told you, I swear she said she told you…”

You came out of the back, looking sad for a moment but your face brightened when you saw Joel. You came up and stretched up to kiss his cheek.

“Just need a few more minutes,” you said. “Just waiting for Kristen so I can go over some overnight care instructions for a patient. Let me tell you, I really need that drink…”

“What the fuck is Andrew talking about?” Joel asked, looking down at you. You frowned.

“I’m so sorry,” Andrew whispered. “I thought you’d told him, you said you’d told him everything, I thought you’d told him….”

Your face fell, looking between Andrew and Joel.

Joel stormed outside. His head was spinning. Something Andrew had said the night that he got to the QZ came back to him, something he’d heard that he wasn’t meant to hear.

“So that’s the dad…”

He’d thought he was talking about Sarah. Who else could he have meant? It would have made sense, you explaining your connection through his daughter….

“Hey,” you were walking quickly, almost jogging, to catch up to him. He was panting for breath, the haze of twilight on the horizon. “Joel…”

“Were you pregnant?” He demanded, spinning to face you. You startled back from him, like he’d slapped you. You didn’t answer. “Were. You. Pregnant.”

You stared at his chest.

“Yes.”

He turned away from you for a moment, trying to get his composure before he turned back.

“It was mine?”

“Yes,” your voice was wet and thick.

“What happened.”

You closed your eyes and took a deep breath before you answered.

“They were going to shoot Jessica,” you whispered. “I didn’t know it was transmitted through bites, they were just going to shoot her and I had to stop it and they hit me and… Joel, I’m sorry, I tried, I tried so hard…”

You’d been on your own, been with two teenagers you’d taken charge of and his child inside you and he’d been across the country from you, not able to protect you, only able to fail you, only able to fail you both…

“When did you know?”

You were quiet and he ground his teeth.

“When!”

“The first day of school,” you breathed, glancing up at his face for a second before looking straight ahead again.

He felt like he was going to be sick.

“You knew,” he said it through clenched teeth. You winced but stood your ground, your arms crossed over your stomach. “You knew for weeks. WEEKS. And you didn’t fuckin’ tell me?”

“I’m sorry,” your voice was shaky. “I didn’t know what I was going to do at first, I didn’t know if I was going to keep it and once I decided I wanted to keep it I didn’t know if I was ever going to tell you…”

“You were going to have my fuckin’ kid and you weren’t going to tell me!” He was screaming. You wanted to cower from him, he could tell. Your body shook with it. But you weren’t backing down.

“I decided to tell you the day before the outbreak,” your eyes met his then. “That’s why I texted you. I didn’t want to just tell you over the phone, that’s why I asked if you wanted to have coffee… I wanted to come up with a plan first to make sure you didn’t need to do anything you didn’t want to do, I didn’t want you to feel like you were stuck with me and a baby you didn’t want and I…”

“You should have fucking TOLD ME!” He couldn’t look at you, putting his back to you. His stomach twisted, his chest tightened.

He was running through everything that happened the night of the outbreak. He couldn’t help it, couldn’t stop it once it started. The phone call from Tommy, leaving Sarah alone at the house. Coming home and finding her at the mercy of the infected. Driving, running, holding her….

It all would have been different. If he’d known, if you’d just told him, it all would have been different.

“We’re done,” his voice cracked.

“What?” You sounded so small, so weak. It reminded him of the time you called him for help, when on a date with that handsy guy. You sounded scared. “Joel, please…”

“Do you understand what you did?” He rounded on you, towering over you. You flinched back, like you were afraid he was going to hit you. “None of it would have happened this way if you’d just fucking told me you were pregnant with my goddamn kid!”

“Joel…”

“She’d still be here!” He screamed it. You stepped back from him then, sobbing now.

“You can’t know…” you choked on it but he cut you off.

“Yes I can,” he said. He was seething. “If you’d just fuckin’ told me, we wouldn’t have BEEN there! We would have been in New York with you or you would have been in Austin with us and I wouldn’t have left her alone that night, you would have been with her and known what to fuckin’ do, she never…”

“You can’t…”

“She died that night!” He yelled, getting in your face. He’d never told you this. He’d never told anybody this. “Shot by some Army fuck and it never would have happened that way if you’d just told me you were pregnant with my fucking kid!”

He straightened, running his hands through his hair, desperate for something to hold onto. It was like losing her all over again, like there was a gaping hole in his chest, like someone had cracked open his ribs and started taking him apart. If you’d told him, Sarah would be alive. If you’d told him, he could have saved your child. If he’d just known, it would all be different. He wouldn’t have failed you. He wouldn’t have failed you.

You were just standing there, your face wet, arms tightly around yourself. You hadn’t even moved to wipe your tears away.

“Please,” it was barely audible.

“We’re done,” he said it again, his voice flat. “I wish I’d never fuckin’ met you. I never want to see you again. We’re done.”

He turned and left you there in the haze of the streetlights outside the clinic.

Joel wasn’t sure how long he walked. He wasn’t sure where he ended up. He didn’t fucking care. He almost hoped someone tried to talk to him. He wanted to hit something, he wanted something to hit him. He wanted to hurt, something on his body needed to hurt the same way his soul was hurting. It wasn’t right that the pain wasn’t spread out, that it wasn’t all through his body, too.

Tommy was out when he got home. For a moment, Joel’s eyes drifted to the floorboards where they’d stashed their weapons. He wouldn’t flinch this time. Your voice wouldn’t pull him back this time.

He went for the liquor instead. He drank until he passed out. He didn’t move for two days.

***

You couldn’t seem to stop crying. You stood there, watching where Joel had gone, like you were waiting for him to come back for you. He wasn’t going to come back for you.

“I wish I’d never fuckin’ met you.”

“Don’t let anyone take you from me.”

“I never want to see you again.”

You had a patient.

You forced yourself to turn and walk for the clinic. You hadn’t gone far, only about 50 yards, but it was apparently far enough that no one inside had heard the commotion outside. That was good, at least. Andrew noticed you first, his hands on your shoulders before you really realized he was even there.

“Hey,” he said, stopping you. His voice was gentle, so gentle compared to Joel’s. You kept your arms around your waist. “What happened? Are you OK?”

“I’m fine,” you said, even though you were still crying. “Is Kristen ready for care instructions? Have you seen her?”

“She’s still in back, what happened?” He asked. Your eyes were having a hard time focusing. His chest was just a gray blob in front of you. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” you answered. “It’s fine. You guys should probably just head over to the speakeasy, I think I’m just going home…”

“What did he do to you?” His hands went from your shoulders to your face, tilting your head up so you were forced to look at him. You closed your eyes, unable to bear the idea of really looking at him.

“He left,” you said, voice cracking. “Said he never wants to see me again. I’m fine,” you said it quickly, before Andrew had a chance to argue. “It’s fine. I understand it, I deserve it, I’m fine, it’s fine, I just need to give Kristen the care instructions…”

Andrew pulled you against his chest, his lips finding your hair.

“I’m so sorry,” he breathed. “I didn’t mean to, I’m so sorry…”

“Not your fault,” you were getting his shirt wet with tears. “It’s OK…”

“Doctor?” Kristen called. “Everything OK?”

You pulled back from Andrew and sniffed, trying to compose yourself.

“Fine,” you said. “Just a long day. Let me go over this with you…”

You were numb as you went over protocols, noted medication and amounts, making sure to triple check everything because you didn’t really trust yourself but you didn’t have another doctor to hand Penny’s care off to.

Andrew and Jess were sitting in the waiting room when you finished. You frowned.

“I thought I said to go on ahead,” you said.

“We’re not just going to abandon you,” Andrew looked at you, incredulous.

“I just want to go home and be alone,” you looked between them. “Really. It’s fine.”

“Well then we’ll walk you home,” Jess said, chin jutting out defiantly, almost daring you to argue.

You let them. They walked you all the way to your door, but wouldn’t let Andrew stay.

“I’d feel a lot better if I just slept here,” he was frowning, his hands in his pockets.

“I just want to do this on my own,” you couldn’t look at him, staring over his shoulder instead.

“Are you sure you’re safe to be on your own?” Jess asked, her voice soft. You nodded, not looking at her.

“I just need to cry for a bit,” you said. “I’ll see you at work on Monday.”

Andrew ground his teeth for a moment before pulling you tightly against him.

“I love you,” he said. “Wouldn’t be here without you. Don’t go doing anything stupid.”

You hesitantly put your arms around him.

“Love you too.”

He and Jess left, Andrew giving you a lingering look as he closed and locked your door behind him. You looked around your apartment for a moment. One of Joel’s shirts was hanging on your closet door. The picture of you, him and Sarah was still on your nightstand. The book he’d been reading was on his side of the bed.

You left it there, going to the bathroom and running a bath in the tub that was a little too small for an adult to take a bath in but you didn’t care. You took off your clothes, folding them and putting them in a neat pile on the toilet seat, your body on autopilot.

He’d been right, of course. If Sarah had died that night, it would have been different had you told him. If you’d just opened your fucking mouth when you’d found out and told him instead of mulling it over and being too anxious…

You slipped into the water, body too numb to really notice the temperature of it. You stared into space for a while, just letting yourself cry until it seemed like there was nothing else left in you to cry out.

For a moment, you wondered what it would have been like if you’d just told him. It wasn’t the first time you’d imagined something like it. Pictured Sarah chasing a toddler around your grandmother’s back yard or holding a plump baby with a bucket hat on their tiny head as they kicked their little legs in the Millers’ pool. You’d pictured what your child would look like so many times. Boy or girl, they always had Joel’s hair and eyes. Sometimes they got your nose, sometimes his. They sometimes had the dimple he got on one cheek when he smiled.

It had always been a sad impossibility before. You could have done things differently that day, done what you could to change Jessica’s fate, made it so you never got hit but, after years of playing it over in your mind, you knew there wasn’t much you COULD have done differently. Your child was something that just wasn’t meant to be, something that got taken away before you had a chance to really love it and hold it close. Now, it was a choice you’d made. Another mistake born of a mistake.

You’d never really been meant to exist at all. Your parents never meant to have you, they’d left you with your grandmother who had stepped up out of obligation to her flighty daughter. You’d done nothing but fuck up everyone’s lives since day one.

“Don’t let anyone take you from me.”

“I wish I’d never fuckin’ met you.”

You slid below the water, lying flat on your back in the bottom of the tub. You held your breath. You opened your eyes, the stained ceiling rippling overhead. Your lungs burned. The ceiling blurred. Your hair swirled in the water around you. You didn’t move when your body forced you to inhale, sucking water into your lungs. But your body wouldn’t let you stay still, making you shoot up, coughing and choking, gasping like you had anything worth living for.

You cried again, staying in the tub until the water turned so cold that you could feel it. You went to bed alone, wishing the water had swallowed you.

A/N: Hi y'all. For folks who skipped to the end for a spoiler-y warning: FMC treats a patient who is having a miscarriage, Joel finds out about her miscarriage, freaks out that she never told him and leaves her.

I KNOW I'M SORRY I REALLY AM. Here's why it's working this way: 1) Joel after Sarah is largely defined by his inability to allow himself to love fully and honestly. Until he's forced to work through his shit, his trauma will not LET him love anyone. It's not safe. For him, loving someone will lead to his death. He can't do it yet. HE WILL EVENTUALLY. But he can't yet. Remember that the choices made by this Joel are literally life and death for him. After what happened with Sarah, he can't approach these choices any other way. 2) These characters are going to grow and develop along largely parallel paths for a bit and we're going to see them over the next few years where their paths cross until the day that Ellie shows up. Joel wouldn't be Joel if he was just happily with her for 15 years and she wouldn't be who I've been building her up to be if she was with the love of her life for 15 years. Their journeys are going to be separate for a bit but we're still going to see them together, I promise.

Thank you so much for reading and interacting and sticking with the story even though I throw SUPER SAD SHIT in all the time. I have a taglist now, so if you're interested in that, please let me know. I love you all like crazy!

Taglist: @paleidiot

#fanfic #joel miller x female reader #joel miller x reader #joel miller x you

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