#anyways. the lady in front of me in the check in line also had a cat and we held up our cat carriers to each other in a same hat way 🥰

[hugejk]

2 years.

due to high demand part 2 !!!! feedback is also very much appreciated <3

cw: addiction mentioned, rehab

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After getting settled into your temporary home, you fell asleep as soon as your head hit the pillow. Being woken up to the bright orange sun. You get up. You still didn’t know what to do with yourself. I guess the comments were right. You really do need some professional help.

you just didn’t know where to start, rehab? therapy? checking yourself into a psych ward? You sit at the small work desk at the hotel, clicking the pen and scooting the small writing pad they provided. You assume the best place to start was the addiction problems. You go on your phone and look for places. You find the highest rated one, and call it.

“hi.uhm. i was just uhm… wondering if i can check in? like check myself into rehab.”

the man on the other line told you the process of checking yourself in. You had to go in person and stay there until they think you were better than you had started. This process might take a while. But you’re willing to do it.

You gather your things, planning what you were going to tell the lady downstairs,

“my flight got rescheduled for today.”

“my friend is back at their house i don’t need the room anymore.”

“my parents have a room for me at their place.”

heading out the room and towards the elevator. Spamming the down button to hurry and get to the place. You didn’t care to wear the disguise you had packed. Nobody would see you for a couple more months anyways. At least that’s what you thought.

as the doors opened up, you look up from your shoes and see two young men. One of them wearing a dark beard and the other…well he looks like a kid. Clean shaven face, big brown eyes, short brunette hair.

“that’s exactly what i- wait aren’t you y/n?”

the one with the dark beard said as he pointed at you.

fuck.

“…do you want a picture?…”

you couldn’t even deny it, people recognized you so much now that you can’t say no to pictures, or else people would think your a rude arrogant celeb. And them boom there goes the grammy nomination, the awards, the money. everything you had worked so hard for.

you were so stuck in your head that you didn’t realize he was as talking to the younger one.

“this is the singer i was telling you about just the other day! you know…the one you said was-“

he was cut off by the brunette slapping his arm, giving him the “don’t you dare” look.

“look, i don’t have the time for this, do you want something? i have to be somewhere.”

you didn’t mean to be rude, but you just wanted to be fixed already. You didn’t have time to stop and talk with these guys. You notice the small badge on their nike sweaters.

“oh sorry——you know our football club is sponsored by spotify? you could totally be this years sponsor.”

the beard said to you, side eyeing the brunette and wiggling his eyebrows. Something was up. You just didn’t care enough to ask.

“uhm.yeah. sure whatever.”

you weren’t even planning on making new music anytime soon. you brush it off and push the down button for the other elevator. You didn’t want to be anywhere near a person right now.

now that you were alone in the elevator, you started to wonder and replay how the beard and the brunette were acting. As you got downstairs to the lobby, your worst fear. A packed lobby with screaming people and more guys all wearing the same nike hoodie, that logo.

you make a pit stop at the bathrooms to put on your glasses and mask, there was no way you couldn’t get away from this one. You blend back into the crowd, asking the nearest person,

“what’s this all about?”

“do you live under a rock? this is the best football club of all time right in front of us! FC barcelona!”

that’s when it finally hit you, the logo seemed so familiar. You remember watching a few el classicos with your dad when you were little. How could you forget?

But you had more important things to do that day. You thanked the person who reminded you of the club and went on with your day. Walking with your head down and airpods in, you arrived to your new home for a few months.

you open the door and walk up to the front desk,

“uhm..hi. id like to check myself in..”

you say with your head down, feeing ashamed that you were asking for help. You could’ve done this on your own but here you are.

“okay! before we check you in we’re gonna have to have you fill these papers out, and i hope you know what your doing right now is brave and your in good hands.”

crazy. It’s like the lady behind the desk could read your unsure mind. Her words repeat and bounce around in your head. Taking the papers and taking a seat in the lobby. It was small, and empty.

You have no idea what’s to come but surely it’ll be the best for you.

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tags: @pabl0andm3 @spidybaby @htpssgavi @alexis1taylorr

[lakecoded]

most harrowing airport experience survived

[i-cant-sing]

Time Traveller AU pt3

Part 1 is here. Part 2 is here. Part 4 is here. Find the AU masterlist here! Check out my MASTERLIST here.

"This is so unnecessary" you whispered to the man sitting behind you. "Everyone's staring." Your eyes scanned over the mass of people in town, as your horse passed through.

You thought you would get your own horse, but Baldwin had other plans apparently, as he just picked you up from your armpits and plopped you in front of him on his horse.

You could feel him smiling from ear to ear. "I think they're just in awe of your beauty. I would suggest getting used to the stares, now."

You rolled your eyes. "Dont flatter me. I know how I look, besides- I was referring to us sharing a horse. Its unnecessary and its why everyones looking at us."

"I think its unnecessary to get another horse for you. You dont know how to ride them, and believe me when I tell you- these horses are wild. I dont want you to get hurt when they kick you off." He teased.

You scoffed. Alright, maybe you werent an equestrian, but how hard would it be to ride a horse anyways? Didnt Baldwin learn to ride one when his right arm was paralysed and he had to do with his thighs mostly to control the horse?

"Still, I couldve gotten a carriage. Or better yet walked? Maybe even ride a horse with someone else-" You quieted down as you felt a pair of lips peck behind your ear.

"Dont even think about it. Why would I let anyone touch you, be this close to my princess-" his arm snaked around your waist and pulled you back closer to him. "Wouldnt you prefer your soon-to-be-husband to help you instead?" He whispered as his hand slowly found its way to rest on your belly, giving it a gentle squeeze.

Heat rose to your cheeks as you pulled his hand away and smacked it when it tried to touch your waist again. "Behave, Baldwin." You admonished with a smile as people looked at you. You dont want to create a scene (especially not one where history would report some lady smacking King Baldwin).

You getting flustered and angry only made him chuckle, as he leaned down to give the back of your head a kiss.

Enough with the PDA already. Arent medieval times supposed to be more conservative?

Ugh. Your lips formed into a thin line. Maybe he'll back off when you reach Salauddin and he sees how other Muslims act.

With some entourage accompanying you guys, you travelled away from the kingdom for almost an hour or so until you crossed that one sand dune beyond which Salauddin and his people were camping.

Before reaching the dessert, you had asked Baldwin if he had something that you could cover yourself up with. You want to adhere to the customs and not accidentally piss off one of the greatest Muslim rulers. Sure, you could've worn something more concealing before leaving the castle, but neither of you wanted people to know that you two were going to meet Salauddin.

Baldwin nodded and in one swift motion, he had removed his cloak and wrapped it around you, bringing the hood over you.

"But- what about you?" you looked back at him with wide eyes. People didnt just wear full length clothes back then just because of modesty, but also to protect their skin from sun damage.

He smiled. "I'll be fine, princess." No, you wont. And you're not risking yet another historical change by having the king of Jerusalem getting skin cancer.

Immediately, you tore off the bottom of your tunic and made a keffiyeh (a headdress) which covered both his head and his face. "There, now we can go."

From the keffiyeh, only his eyes were visible, which crinkled up. "Did you cover me up because you dont want women staring at me in awe?"

"What? Of course not. You just recovered from leprosy. Your skin would be sensitive to the harsh sun and heat of the desert-" He cut you off by laughing lightly.

"Whatever you say, princess. Whatever you say."

As you neared the camps, you saw men dressed in battle armour coming out of the tents, and you from the way he walked, the way he dressed, even his mere presence could make you recognise Salauddin from a mile away.

The horse stopped and Baldwin got down first before helping you down. You followed him as he walked towards Salauddin, who was standing there with his arms crossed over his chest. An erie silence settled all around you, the sound of air whooshing being the only thing audible for a few moments. Salauddin stared into Baldwin, while men from both sides glared at each other, one hand on their swords, ready to fight.

"Salam alaikum." Baldwin spoke first.

Peace be upon you.

You heart dropped for a second when Salauddin didnt reply back immediately. With your hood covering your face, you couldnt exactly see his expressions, only resorting to his body language and sounds to anticipate his mood.

Salauddin's lip quirked up. "Walaikum asalaam." He opened his arms and both men embraced each other for a few moments and you could feel the tension around you finally melting away as men from both sides finally started conversing with each other normally now that their kings were talking amicably.

Salauddin patted his back and raised a brow at you. "Who taught you the keffiyeh to cover that sore face of yours?" Baldwin chuckled. "My fiancee- Y/n, princess come here will you?" You walked closer to Baldwin. "This is Y/n, and we're both here today to invite you to our wedding. Darling, say hi, will you?"

You gulped. "Assalamu alaikum".

Salauddin's ears perked up. "Walaikum asalam. That was perfect pronunciation. Have you been taught by Arab scholars?"

"About that..." Baldwin chuckled nervously. "Y/n, why dont you go there with the ladies? They seem pretty eager to meet you." Salauddin nodded his head and a couple of women, all wearing burqas approached you. "This is princess Y/n. Take good care of her." Salauddin told them as they took you to their tent, where only women remained.

Meanwhile, Salauddin let Baldwin in to his tent.

"So, whats the secret?" Salauddin asked as he sat down, beckoning Baldwin to do the same.

He took a deep breath. "Y/n is... a Muslim."

Salauddin blinked at him. "What?"

"She's Muslim." He repeated. "So could you just tell me about the Islamic wedding ceremony? Nikkah, right?"

Salauddin stared at him. "Are you joking?"

"No."

"You cant marry her, Baldwin."

"Why not?"

"Because she's a Muslim and you're Catholic!"

"So? I havent seen it stop Muslims from marrying non muslims."

"No- only muslim men can marry non muslim women. It doesnt work the other way around."

"Salauddin, thats sexist."

"Its not sexist- nevermind, I cant help you understand it. But no, you cant marry a Muslim woman."

"What if... shes not Muslim?" Salauddin gave him a puzzled look. "I... believe Y/n may be using religion as an excuse not to marry me."

"If she doesnt want to marry you, why do you wanna marry her?"

"She does want to marry me, she's just... confused. Look, Salauddin. She cured me- CURED leprosy. This doesnt happend to anyone. She- she has something holy about her. How else do you explain this miracle?"

"So what? You think God and what- Jesus? chose this girl for you? That they gave her healing hands to cure your disease? You think shes of divinity?"

Baldwin smiled softly. "I do." Salauddin rolled his eyes. "Youre infatuated with her, Baldwin. Its temporary. She performed some magic, or tricks and you think she's divine? Do not make a fool of yourself."

"Then explain how I suddenly got well, Salauddin. Youve travelled the world, you sent me your best Arab healers, you believe in sciences- explain to me how I was cured of my incurable disease."

Salauddin gazed at the young king. "Let me guess, she claimed that she's been sent by Almighty God to cure the King and save Jerusalem, and in return, you must marry her or give her your throne to fulfil some prophecy?"

Baldwin chuckled, leaning back against the ottoman a bit. "Actually, she's been denying that she did anything to help me, she keeps on making excuses to marry me, she avoids my affection- and if I'm being honest, attention." Salauddin's eyes furrowed a bit. What game are you playing?

"Maybe... Black magic?" Salauddin is well aware of witchcraft, its been mentioned by his religion too.

Baldwin shrugged. "She's far too angelic to be associated with that. I'm sure there would be prominent signs if she was involved in any sort of magic or witchcraft."

Salauddin was about to reply but just then, his guards came running in.

"Salauddin! There's a sandstorm coming!" Immeadiately both kings sprung up.

"Tie up the animals! Tell everyone to get in and take cover!" Salauddin barked orders at his men.

The women in your tent were immediately informed of the situation and they quickly started taking measures, with the men outside helping to nail down the tent and gathering the baby animals and children, bringing them inside the tent.

You got up to leave and go to Baldwin, but the women pushed you back down, telling you its not safe to leave.

"The storm is here! You can't leave now!" Well, alright then. You plopped back down on your seat, when you heard someone cry out loud and your eyes immeadiately saw the liquid on the floor.

Of course it was the pregnant lady.

The woman had went into labour and everyone rushed to help her. Everyone but you. Nuh uh, youre not meddling in this time, lest anyone else accuses you of having magic healing hands.

Another harrowing scream pierced through the room, with the harsh winds threatening to blow away the tent adding on to the tension.

Maybe I could just stand near them, just to make sure they are using proper hygiene. Or actually just to see how midwifes worked in the past. Yes, its for science.

You stood near the midwifes, out of their work field because you dont want to be an obstacle. Of course, you may have had caught the sight of the poor woman and her... vagina, which youre ashamed to say has made you sick to your stomach because child birth is not a beautiful phenomenon and fuck this shit youre never having babies.

After almost an hour, the baby was finally out. The stench of sweat and blood and the nightmarish sights you'd caught glimpses of had made you want to throw up when suddenly the enviorment turned gloomy. And it hit you.

The baby wasnt crying.

The mother who was previously crying from labour, was now crying due to a different kind of pain.

You felt for her, you truly did. Carrying a child for 9 months, making sure to take every precaution, not to mention the constant prayers for a healthy baby (and for some, specifically a boy) otherwise the mother would be blamed.

The midwife put the dead baby in the bassinet beside you before tending back to the grieving mother, who was still bleeding from down there.

"Poor Fatima." You heard one of the women whisper to her friend. "To wait for 8 years before she finally conceived... only for her child to die before he could even take his first breath."

Your heart broke as you heard them, the woman sobbed inconsolably. You turned your head to look at the baby in the bassinet and subconsciously, you wondered what went wrong.

Doesnt look like he was choked by the umbilical cord... and he doesnt look cyanotic either, so he probably wasnt dead inside the womb. Your eyes widened. Maybe-!

Your hands went to pick up the baby before halting mid air. No. No. I cant interfere- I cant mess with history more than I already have. I cant save a child who was destined to die-

Your head whipped to the woman who let out a shrill, devastating cry, begging God to let her son live.

Fuck it. You picked up the baby. Maybe this baby was destined to live.

Immeadiately you checked for breathing before putting the baby on a table nearby and placed two fingers on the left side of his chest, starting compressions.

"1. 2. 3-" you muttered under your breath, trying to recall what was drilled into your head when you were attending first aid classes. Pinching the baby's nostrils, you breathed into his mouth, eyes watching as his chest rise and drop. You repeated the compression set 2 more times when the baby finally took a huge breath and began crying.

Picking up the baby, you ran towards the bucket of water and started cleaning the baby's head and face off the mix of blood and amniotic fluid, while massaging his back and his feet to encourage him to breathe on his own.

After a few minutes, you turned around to cover the baby with a cloth swaddling him up nicely and thats when you finally looked around you.

Everyone was staring at you in shock, the sound of the baby crying echoing the silence.

Shit. You rocked the baby gently as you handed him to his mother, who also looked at you in shock with tear streaks on her cheeks. I hope... they didnt see me do CPR.

Yes, damage control. Thats what you need to do. You cleared your throat. "Um- yes, Allah has blessed you with a beautiful son. Lets be grateful to Him." And the women slowly began talking again and agreeing, some saying that they'll go give sadaqah (charity to please God) while others were going to go pray.

When you turned around, you saw Baldwin and Salauddin standing at the entrance of the tent, the former having a beaming smile while the latter looked in surprise.

Maybe it was the stench of sweat and blood in the room, maybe it was emotional situation you went through (high key nauseating), or maybe it was the mix of amniotic fluid and blood on your mouth from when you saved the baby, but the next moment, you lost consciousness.

-

When you woke up, you noticed you were in a different, much bigger tent. Rubbing your eyes, you sat up with a groan.

"You're finally awake." You looked up to see Salauddin sitting at his desk in the other corner-

Salauddin? Your hands went to draw your hood over your face but you realised your (or well, Baldwin's) cloak had been replaced with a cotton niqaab that veiled your entire face except for your eyes.

Standing up, you looked in his direction. "Where's Baldwin?"

You heard him chuckle darkly. "He left."

"He left?" You heard him walk over to you, and instinctively you took a step back, narrowing your eyes at his audacity.

He towered over you, face neutral as he looked down at you. His hand gestured to his right, where a chess set was placed on a table.

"Do you play?" He asked, eyes never leaving yours.

Hesitantly, you nodded. He sat down, beckoning you to do the same.

"Ladies first." He let you start the game. "I should tell you though- if you wish to leave out of this place alive, you'll have to win."

What the shit? Is this some sort of psychological game? Or is this actually happening? I mean, people in the medieval times were crazy. Just because he's muslim shouldnt excuse him from insanity.

You picked up the white pawn. "Where is Baldwin?"

"I told you, he's gone." He moved his black pawn. "He sold you to me."

You looked up at him. What? "Focus on the game. You do not wish to know what will your fate be if you were to lose this game." You immediately picked up your bishop and moved it.

Salauddin clicked his tongue as he took your bishop. You moved your pawn again. "Why- why would he sell me? I'm his fiancee." You asked, your eyes never leaving the board. You're playing for your life here.

"Well, when we saw you use black magic to save that baby- oh, I took your other pawn too, mhm-" He smiled as he looked at your furrowed brows. "And then I told him that you cant be a muslim if you were using black magic."

"Black magic? When did I use it?!" you asked exasperatedly as you lost your knight.

"We saw you muttering something when you were "saving" that child." Muttering? When was I muttering? "One of the ladies even said they heard you whisper some repetitive words to a tune too."

Repetitive words-? You wanted to bang your head against concrete when you realised he was referring to you doing compressions to the rhythm of Stayin Alive by the BeeGees. This one is not your fault because the instructor taught you guys that.

"I was not doing black magic. Even so, who are you to decide if I am a Muslim or not?" You moved your other knight.

"I am Salauddin Ayubi-"

"So?" Salauddin looked at you.

So? So? No one has ever dared to ask him questions.

"Your real name is Yusuf. Salauddin is just a laqab, hm?" Your eyes never left the board as you made your move. "Do you think you're above me? Above Baldwin? Above anyone?" You didnt let him answer as you gestured at him to continue the game. "I dont recall you being a prophet. I dont remember you being a caliph even. So, Salauddin tell me what gives you the right to judge if I'm a muslim or not?" You asked as you took his pawn.

Salauddin narrowed his eyes at you, making his bishop take another pawn of yours. You didnt let it deter you as you practically snatched the same bishop of his with your rook. "Just because youre a muslim, you think you have the right to judge me?"

He scoffed at your words, making his move but you took yet another black pawn. "I am a Muslim. I was born in a Muslim family-"

"Exactly." You took more of his black pawns as he took your white ones. The board was mostly empty now. "You were born in a Muslim family. Do you honestly believe your Lord is happy with you because you were born in the right family? Is that the essence of what being a Muslim is?" Salauddin now looked at you but you didnt let your eyes stray away from the chess board. "Are you a Muslim because you were born in a Muslim family? Or were you born in a Muslim family because Allah knew you wouldnt find your way if you werent? If you were born in a catholic family, youd be a catholic? Lets say you are a Muslim, how do you know youre a good enough Muslim who can judge me? How do you know Allah will let you in heaven when youre on Earth declaring so and so is doing magic and isnt a muslim? Only Allah can judge us, not you Salauddin Ayubi." You stated calmly as you made your final move. "Thats checkmate."

You finally looked at him, your eyes holding satisfaction at his distressed face, though he masked it well.

How you wished to reveal to him that he was playing against a grandmaster whose parents made her take chess as a hobby since she was 6 because they believed it would make her smart and get into good colleges (it did. Thanks mom and dad.)

"Salauddin, we can play chess all you want but dont lie to me. You know I wasnt doing magic, and you know that I know that Baldwin wouldnt just leave me behind. So please, tell me, where is Baldwin?" Before he could reply, you continued. "Remember, lying is a sin."

At this, his eyes finally showed amusement. "He's outside, helping the women sew a niqaab for you. He wants to embroidery a flower in or something." You rolled your eyes at that. Of course, leave it to Baldwin to do cute romantic stuff.

Salauddin leaned back in his chair as he studied you. "So, how did you bring the baby back to life?"

"I prayed to Allah." He quirked a brow at you. "I also cleared his nostrils. They were plugged with fluid, so he didnt know or couldnt breathe with his lungs. Then I just warmed up his body a bit and he was crying- the baby was never dead. You know that no one can be saved from Azrael if Allah has written for that person to die."

Angel of death.

He gave you a nod, though his eyes watched you curiously. "How were you so sure that I knew you were a Muslim?"

You shrugged. "I just did." Why wouldnt you know when he was playing chess with you to check your psychology? Not to mention, he allowed you to be covered with a niqaab even when you were unconscious and let you stay in his tent? If he even doubted that you were a non muslim, you more than likely wouldve been treated far badly.

Salauddin chuckled. Of course, youd keep your secrets. "Then you know that as a Muslim woman, you cannot marry anyone of another faith."

"I dont plan on marrying Baldwin." You scoffed. "I already rejected him and have tried to sway his mind, but hes set on his decision. I think he actually believes that Im an angel or something divine."

He quirked a brow at you. "So he's forcing you to marry him?"

"I wouldnt say force- well, actually I would say that. But he doesnt treat me badly or anything. He's very sweet, even when I avoid him."

Salauddin clicked his tongue. "I could help you." You looked at him. "You are a Muslim, a part of the ummah. I could-"

"No. If youre suggesting starting a war, no." "Well, not a war, youre not that important." Damn. He grinned at your offended eyes. "I meant, I could send some people to sneak you out or-"

"No, if Baldwin finds out youre involved in any way in my escape he would-" you cant risk an extra crusade happening because of a damsel in distress, aka you. It would put the fate of Jerusalem at risk as well as the fate of the Ayyubid dynasty.

Wait. Ayyubid dynasty. They ruled over Egypt, Syria, Palestine, Yemen and so on. But Egypt was the learning center of the Islamic world during this time because they focused on arts and education which meant they hosted the world's greatest scholars there.

"Salauddin, can you get me to Egypt?" The king of Egypt, or sultan of Egypt looked at you quizzically. "I can, but why? Do you have family there?"

"What? No, I'm not running away to Egypt. Look, I just-" you cant explain to him about your escape plan that you were going to use the help of scholars to help you make the tools which you can use to fix your broken time machine. So, you lie. "You're someone who enjoys learning, right? I know you like history and sufism, and I would just love to get to know more about it."

With his head resting on his palm, he studied you. You intrigued him, and although he sensed you had ulterior motives, he agreed. "I cant take you there personally because I am busy here, but I could send you there with some trusted men." You smiled under your veil. This is exactly what you want. And almost as if he could sense your glee, he continued. "Your madly-in-love fiance wont send you alone, or at all."

"Let me worry about Baldwin, and he'll agree because I'm not running away. I'll work on my escape another way in which no one has to die." You said, finally standing up and walking out of the tent to find Baldwin who was sitting with the other veiled women, his eyes focused on the needlework.

"Baldwin." You called out with your hands behind your back as you walked upto him.

He looked up and his eyes practically sparkled at the sight of you. "Princess!" He stood up and immediately went to hug you but you stopped him before he could, nodding your head at onlookers. "Oh right, sorry." He smiled sheepishly, scratching the back of his head, ears turning pink as the women giggled.

He then picked up the niqaab he'd been working on, the blue cloth matched the color of his eyes. "Look, I made that flower." There was embroidery done on the sleeves. And of course, amongst the mass of tiny, delicate pink and white flowers, Baldwin made the biggest, slightly wonky flower.

It brought a smile to your lips. Gosh, he's such a-

You shake your head. No. No. You cant.

"Its beautiful, Baldwin. Thank you." He grinned at your praise, nodding his head as he folded it up. Still holding the embroidered niqaab in his hand, he walked over to Salauddin and shook his head. "We should get going now. Thank you for hospitality, Salauddin." The Kurdish nodded. "Of course. You're always welcome. And if you have any more questions about our traditions and rituals, dont hesitate to reach out to me. Although your wife to be seems quite knowledgeable on the subject herself." Your eyes widened every so slightly. Did Salauddin- did he just acknowledge that you're not as dumb as he thought you were.

Baldwin smiled before leading you towards his horse, helping you get on it.

Salauddin watched as your entourage left, and his mouth twitched.

You have piqued my interest, Y/n. He called his right hand man.

"We still have spies in Baldwin's castle, right?" The man confirmed. "Excellent. Have them find out all they can about lady Y/n. And prepare a small entourage ready to go to Egypt."

"Wont we be staying here, sultan?" The man asked, confused as to why Salauddin would be leaving Jerusalem this early.

"We will, but I will make a short trip in between."

Of course, Salauddin cant just let you go to Egypt alone. The sultan will have to make proper arrangements to welcome you there.

And to find out what you're really there for.

He returned to his tent, his eyes landing on the chess board. Walking upto it, he looked at how you had defeated him.

Salauddin smirked, using his finger to knock down the white king.

It'll be fun to make Baldwin jealous.

Part 4 is here!

[utterlyotterlyx]

4 and/or 25 with Eris, please!

Lost In The Fire

Eris x Fem!Reader

Warnings - mentions of arranged marriage, suggestive comments, lots of fluff

(not spell checked sorry x)

What if you - If you're really about to suggest that I sit on your lap, I will kill you. Don't leave me here alone.

Balls had never been, nor ever would be, your thing.

The opulence that came with them was sickening, a waste of precious resources that could be put toward something more beneficial. The gold on display, the mountains of food that hardly anyone would touch that sat as a putrid reminder of power and wealth, and the stench of ale made your stomach churn with distaste.

You would forever curse your brother, Thesan, for giving you over to the Autumn Court, you understood that you had a duty to fulfil, and since you were the sister of one of the more liberal courts, with unmatched spiritual abilities, it meant that you were a high prize indeed.

You had long lost your usual clothing, red and gold loose fitting robes that still had the power to accentuate every feature you held lay dormant in your wardrobe and had been swapped out for tighter fitting garments in an arrangement of greens and browns and oranges. By order of Lady Autumn, of course.

There would be a day when her title would belong to you, and you always had to look the part.

It was a part you played well.

Marriage to Eris, the Heir of the Autumn Court, wasn't nearly as bad as you had expected it to be. It was lucky that your talents in spirituality were so advanced, and you were also lucky that his knowledge of your gifts was so little when you had first met.

Despite his cold exterior, you saw a small boy within him wanting more than anything to break free from the chains that bound him to his position. It was his only defence against his father. But, he knew that you could see through it, see through him in a way that no one else could and part of him was relieved to finally have someone who could understand him.

Things were still rocky, you struggled with their way of life, something Beron despised and spoke of frequently, saying he did not want you leading his court if you couldn't bend your morals and do what was needed. If turning your back on the people who needed you was too stiff, then you didn't want to be leading his court anyway.

But everything with Eris was good, more than good actually, you had actually come to care for him beyond the requirements of your marriage. Eris had moved your rooms opposite his own to have you closer to him, to have you speak him into newfound calm when his duties became too much; to have you closer to him so that he could soothe your clairvoyant episodes that pounced on you from nowhere.

It was meant to be a marriage of convenience, a marriage to forge new power and bonds and produce a litter of children who possessed both of your abilities. A new path for Autumn, a stronger path.

The clouds darkened on the horizon, the moon poked through their curls and illuminated them with a faint pale blue glow. Lanterns lined the garden paths below your window, Eris had made sure to give you the room with the best view, and you watched idly as high born nobles and invited guests to the nights festivities strolled down the cobbled stone paths arm in arm, pointing at the array of intricately carved white marble statues and fountains littered across the lawns, scattered between the hedges and lush flowerbeds.

Ladies swarmed you, tugging at your limbs and shimmying skirts up your legs before huffing and ripping them down again, tapping your calves to tell you to lift your feet so that they could try the next one. Lady Autumn ordered that racks upon racks of opulent dresses be wheeled into your chambers, it was important that you look your best in front of all of the nobles attending that evening, from Autumn and those from other courts.

Even Beron knew how powerful your opinion was to others, not like he would ever listen to it himself. You had been the one to accompany your brother to the High Lords meeting to find a path forward against Hybern. It was your grace and elegance that kept the meeting from boiling over since you were able to feel the emotions of others and force them to simmer down before they consumed the room. It was you who had been able to tell them all of Hyberns movements which no doubt gave them the edge they needed. It was you who saved dozens upon dozens of soldiers from all courts.

You had been the one to help Feyre with the complications with her pregnancy, you had been there for the birth of her son and had given a kernel of your own gift to keep her alive; it made you a very trusted ally to the Night Court, a friend. Helion wrote to you often asking for you opinions on research and inventions, even went as far as to ask for your input on some new policies he wanted to introduce to Day.

It was stupid to suggest that you wouldn't be the perfect High Lady.

Diplomatic. Gifted. Elegant. Poised.

And Eris adored every part of you that you decided to show him, he basked in it actually.

You weren't really paying attention as the ladies around you tugged at your hair and pulled another dress up your body, fitting it tightly around your breasts and hips before standing back and humming in approval. Then you looked.

An assortment of shimmering golds, burnt oranges and flecks of silver, all weaving between one another like the summer tides. It was sheer, enough to be endearing and elegant but not enough to appear indecent. There was a cut out half sphere below your breasts and the bodice flared upward like streaks of sunshine at the crack of dawn. Even you had to admit that it was a stunning piece indeed. Like a stained glass window glowing with dawns kiss.

"This is the one," your fingers brushed around your hips with a faint smile, your hair was unbound and simple, a perfect compliment to the other-worldly dress you adorned, and your makeup was a picture of dewy perfection, shimmers along your cheekbones and forehead, arched brows, glossed lip. "Thank you," you had dismissed the flock of women as soon as they strapped your shoes to your feet, taking a moment for yourself before you slipped from the room.

The quietness of the hallway was enough to tell you that Eris would already be in the ballroom, no doubt sassily quipping the other High Lords and Ladies with cold eyes and a stiff spine. An act that would melt under your presence.

You weren't wrong.

As soon as you had entered the room, it was encapsulated by you. Feyre and Mor rushed to greet you, stroking your hair and running their hands down your skirts, begging for you to tell them where had gotten it. Cassian bundled you into a boisterous embrace which earnt him a curt jab from Nesta for the inappropriateness, Azriel kissed your knuckles as did Rhys, and Helion kissed your cheek in greeting, muttering to you how beautiful you looked in a hushed tone.

No reaction compared to that of Eris however as he remained glued to his seat with lips agape as his russet orbs scoured your figure, the mere action of his eyes on you making heat rise to your cheeks.

Tables lined the room with benches on either side, all packed with goblets of wine and mugs of ale, platters of food scattered at intricately measured intervals. Only Beron and Lady Autumn sat at the head of the hall, the latter of which examined you with approval.

Everyone had floated about you, stealing your attention from the one you desired to give it to. From Rhys asking you, jokingly, to revolt against Autumn and find sanctuary in Velaris, to Thesan pulling you to the side to inquire if you were being treated well. Helion had updated you on the policies you had so gracefully aided him in implementing, and you found a moment to catch up with Kallias and Viviane.

Then you made your way over to Eris who was wrapped up in a conversation with Lucien and Elain, whose gaze jolted from cold to warm in a split second when he saw your dress glistening in the corner of his eye, "Hello, Embers," his voice was as smooth as freshly cracked open whisky as he prodded you with the nickname he had given you, he thought you glowed, not brightly, but like embers on a dying fire, low and warm.

Eris was extremely proud to call you his wife, not only were you clearly beautiful, but you had a heart of molten gold, people sought you out for comfort and aid, you were graceful and poised, and could change the world with your bare hands if you wished it. It was what he needed, a chance of a real future with the woman he was falling in love with.

He couldn't blame you for your feelings toward him, you didn't exactly have a choice in the marriage but you had tried to make the most of it, and you had let him in and spent more time with him away from the duties required of you. Eris thought that you had finally started to feel a certain way toward him as well, from the faint shine in your eyes when you looked at him to the real laughter that sliced through the fogged atmosphere when he quipped something to you. You made him melt, you made him be who he always wanted to be.

"Hello," your voice was as soft as drizzled honey and your hair fell over your shoulders as you leaned forward to place a kiss on his cheek, a necessary act to display your strength as a couple.

Eris felt your eyes trail down his chest and arms, the open collared cream shirt and chestnut brown jacket and pants; he had styled his hair the way you loved it, tamed but still with a playfulness to it, tousled slightly as if he had been stood on the balcony in the wind for a few moments. "Do you like it?" Eris motioned to his suit with that gleam in his eye that made your knees weak, it was certainly a good thing that he wasn't an empath like you, otherwise he'd know his effect on you and no doubt tease you for it.

Just because Eris couldn't feel your emotion doesn't mean that someone else couldn't read you like a book.

You're blushing, a voice infiltrated your mind and you did well to keep a stoic face against Rhys' shit-eating smirk he was no doubt wearing from his seat across the bench from your husband, with his arm loosely wrapped around Feyre's waist, sipping from his goblet with a teasing glint in his eye. Someone might say you might actually feel something for the man.

Ignoring the voice in your head, you spoke, "I love it, we're basically matching."

You'll definitely be matching when both of your clothes are on the floor tonight.

Go fuck yourself, Rhys.

I don't need to. Not when I have my lovely mate.

The walls in your mind flew up then, trapping his talons against the roof of your consciousness with such force that the High Lord visibly winced and rubbed his temple tenderly.

"You look angelic," Eris stood before you, taking your hand in his and pressing his lips against the back of your hand, dipping low and peering at you through his lashes, making no effort to mask the desire in his emotions.

"Thank you," it came out as a whisper and he placed your hand back to your side, sitting down again beside his brother, allowing you to glance along the table which housed not only Eris and Lucien, but also Elain, Rhys, Feyre, Nesta, Cassian, Azriel, Helion, and your brother, meaning there was no space for you, "I suppose I'll go and sit with Kallias and Viviane," you picked up your skirts to turn away when Eris' hand shot out and secured around your wrist.

Eris' eyes glowed in the candlelight, you could see the flames flickering in his russet orbs that had you in a constant chokehold, "What if you-"

"If you're really about to suggest that I sit on your lap, I will kill you," Azriel choked on his wine and coughed as Rhys and Cassian howled in laughter, even Eris chuckled and ran a hand through his hair at your words, standing to tower over you and cup your face in his hand.

"Perhaps later," he smirked and you visibly blushed at the words, even Eris couldn't miss it and he stroked a thumb over your rosed cheek.

In defence, you quipped, "Maybe I'll go back to my chambers then," the words flew from your mouth and you only realised how they sounded when Eris' focus darkened, the tension between you both was palpable to the point that even Azriel let out a whoosh of air he didn't realise he was holding in his lungs.

"So tempting," he took a step closer to you, wrapping an arm around your waist and speaking a low, rough tone, "Don't leave me here alone, you know I don't do well without you."

"Fine," you strained and he grinned victoriously before ordering his brother and Elain to scooch down slightly to make room for you, and you slotted beside Eris like the final piece to his puzzle, thanking him for the goblet of wine you had taken from his offering fingers and looking upward at Rhys and Feyre who both sent you a knowing glance.

Knocking on the doors of your mind, you allowed Rhys to slip in, doing your best to stay distracted against Eris' hand on your hip that sent fire coursing through your veins and heat pooling between your thighs.

I've never known him to be like this, you know.

Like what?

Rhys' eyes flickered to Eris in examination before finding you again whilst Feyre kept the heir ignorant to the conversation between you and her mate.

Soft. Caring. He loves you, Y/N.

Well, it's a good thing I love him too then.

Rhys smirked, raising his goblet to you to which you clinked against your own, sipping the spiced wine and smiling with happiness at his words.

Eris sighed and turned to you, placing a kiss to your cheek, allowing his lips to graze against your cheekbones and his breath to fan down your neck. The rest of the room had moved on, wrapped up in one another, wrapped up in the ale and music, leaving you and Eris alone and untouchable in your little bubble. His eyes scanned you, sketching every part of you onto the canvas within his mind, "Your presence has impacted me so deeply that I'm convinced that if we never met then something would feel missing," he rested his forehead against your own and his hand gripped your waist as his gaze bore into you, "Don't leave me alone, don't ever leave me," a breathless plea that stole your heart.

"I will never leave you, Eris. I will be here to watch all of your dreams come true, I promise."

Flames danced in his eyes and he became unbothered by who could be watching, "They already are," his finger stroked a line up the curve of your throat as he lifted your chin up, wasting no time in pressing his lips to yours in something you could only call ethereal, so tender but passionate that you felt your heart burst with golden light in your chest.

Eris smirked against your lips, a knowing thing, like he knew exactly what had just happened, pulling away, you gasped as your hand ghosted over the fabric of your heart, "You knew?"

"From the moment we met at that meeting in Dawn," his nose brushed against yours, "You were too busy helping Thesan and keeping Tamlin under control to notice, but I saw you, and I knew I needed you."

"You never said anything."

"How could I?" Eris pressed a kiss to your nose, "You had to fall for me on your own, I couldn't influence that."

You inhaled his scent, of crackling firewood and spiced oranges and sighed, you curled your fingers around the lapels of his jacket and kissed him again, more forcefully, and luckily for you both, the room hadn't noticed your infatuation due to Cassian's well played distraction to give you both a moment, one that you needed.

"I need to get you out of here before I take you on this table," his voice possessively growled and it made you shudder in intense delight.

Rhys watched from across the way as Eris took your hand in his own and pulled you from the room, smiling at the large grin on your face and the faint giggles passing through your lips as he saw the silhouette of Eris flinging you over his shoulder cascaded in shadow onto the white stone floor.

If anyone deserved true happiness, a life of wonder and love, it was you, and it was something Rhys believed Eris was now fully capable of providing for you.

Author's Note

Back from Paris in love with the idea of love so expect lots of fluff coming your way x

[fortunapre]

𝐀/𝐍𖧞 oh my gosh??!? an update that’s semi on time?!? anyways enjoy tbis because it sure gets interesting… and someone pls give me another word for “skimpy” that’s not derogatory 🤓

𝐖𝐀𝐑𝐍𝐈𝐍𝐆𖧞 16+ (series rating and swearing), sister mention, alcohol, wlw mention, use on y/n

𝐏𝐀𝐈𝐑𝐈𝐍𝐆𖧞 oscar piastri x fem!reader

𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐃 𝐂𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐓𖧞 (scene vi) 3.2k

Go back?? (scene v) Click Here!

𝐖𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐀𝐟𝐟𝐚𝐢𝐫𝐬 𖧞 scene vi 𖧞 (𝐒𝐞𝐭 𝐈𝐭 𝐔𝐩)

try telling me someone didn’t read winter affairs and immediately type this up 👇🔽

Monday, December 17th

You know what they say: “Don’t talk to strangers. Don’t accept rides from strangers. Never tell a man that you’re interested in Formula One.”

Because if you do, you could end up in a most unwanted dilemma like death or, you know, being asked “Oh yeah? Name the 2009 WDC?”

Both are equally horrible.

However, less than four hours ago, my sister and I did exactly what we were told not to do.

Not tell a man about F1, God that’d be horrible, of course not!

No, we met some strangers downtown while shopping this afternoon, and let them drive us to a party.

Four Hours Earlier…

My sister and I decided to go back downtown in search of fresh baked wintertime desserts to take back to the family for lunch. We walked into a cozy bakery where pottery and art lined the walls.

“This place looks promising.” I wished, walking towards the front of the store in search of the baked goods. In clear cases were delicious looking cakes, tarts, and pastries- Jackpot.

I pointed at the largest desert there, a tall cherry tart.

My sister nodded her head and also pointed to another sweet that had caught her eye. We silently agreed on the items and looked away from the case, trying to find someone to help us. The store had only a few customers, and one lady standing in line at a cash register, but no cashier.

“How long have you been standing here? Is there someone working?” I asked the lady, whose hands were filled with a dark blue vase that looked hand crafted, probably from one of the shelves in here.

“Not long, actually.” She replied, looking towards a door to our left. “The young man who was helping me earlier will be right back, he’s just grabbing something for me, sorry.” She looked around my mothers age but with lighter features. While talking to us she attempted to point towards the door, but her grip on the vase only let one finger slightly move. She tried to free her hand to show us exactly, but the vase began slipping. I moved my hands quickly, positioning them under, so that if it were to fall I could catch it.

“Woah careful, Mrs. Petersen.” A voice said from our left. Out from the door emerged a young man, around our age, with an apron and beaming smile. “Don’t let that slip, you're making the poor girl stressed.”

He was acknowledging that I still had my hands in the same position, worried the fragile pottery might slip again. I noticed the woman, I now knew as Mrs. Petersen, had a better grip, so I retracted my hands quickly and shoved them into my pockets.

The young man, who I assumed worked here, had a small box in his hand and walked towards the cash register.

He spoke to Mrs. Petersen with a kind smile before helping wrap her vase and sending her out the door. After he finished helping her, he turned to us with an expectant look.

“You two lookin’ at something specific?” He asked motioning towards the case of goodies my sister and I were marveling at, moments before.

“Yes actually. Could we get the whole cherry tart and a pack of those apple crumb bars, please?” I answered, pointing as I talked.

He just nodded and carefully picked both desserts for us, boxing them, bagging them, and ringing us up.

As I was paying, I noticed him looking at us with interest. I tried not to make eye contact with him, suddenly not wanting his attention.

My sister, however, met his gaze more than once, no doubt checking him out.

“Hey, so wait…” He spoke as we started walking away.

We both turned, waiting for him to speak.

“You two… wouldn’t be interested in a party tonight, would you?” He finally said.

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. Of course not, why would we want to go to a random part-

“Oooh, sounds fun! We’ll totally be there!” My sister answered for the both of us. I tried to pinch her elbow to get her to look at me, but she kept her eyes on the guy.

“Oh, no way, alright. Well let me pull up the information..” he trailed off while digging in his pocket for his phone. “Hold on, I left my phone in the back but I’ll get it for you. Just a sec.” He disappeared behind the door, like earlier. As soon as he was out of sight, I turned towards my sister.

“What?! There’s no way I am going to a strangers party.” I whispered through my teeth, looking around at the other customers, hoping not to cause a scene.

“Y/n, yes you are. We need to do something fun outside of the cabin. We can only add so many new rules to Uno before it gets boring.”

“What? I thought you liked Go-Fish-Charades-No-Takesy-Backsey-Uno?”

“I did! But now it’s lame and a party is just what we neeedddd.” She pouted her lips and looked like she desperately wanted this. I immediately caved and shrugged my shoulders looking away. “Look, how about this?” My sister began, trying to make me feel better. “We’ll bring our brother and Oscar.”

She let a smirk show at her idea.

“I already agreed. Oscar doesn’t have to come.” I fought.

“Ok, even if you agreed, I think Oscar should still come. He’s fun at parties.” She tried. “Come onnnnnnn. Just let loose for one night”

I looked at her, saw the look in her eyes, and walked away before I kept agreeing to whatever she said. Sometimes it’s hard to disagree when she looks so deeply, like she really cares about you. So before I agreed to wearing frisky outfits and dancing on a table, I got away.

From behind me, I heard the young man approach my sister and give her the details for tonight.

Maybe a night out could be good, we’ll see.

Now…

My eyes are drooping, closing for seconds of relief, and then opening again. Everytime I blink, the comfortable silence fills my brain and I could almost drift to sleep standing right here. I can feel my mouth getting dry and my eyes burning with the need to shut. However tempting sleep may be, I need to stay awake.

I’m basically swaying in my spot, desperate to topple over and cuddle on the floor. The hold I have on the drink in my hand Is all that my brain is working on. My mind is fuzzy with however many cups of this ‘magic jingle juice,’ as the party host called it. Anyone in this room could look at me and think “Man, she’s wasted.” But, really, I’m staying quiet and having trouble standing upright because of how exhausted I am. Sure, I drank someeeee but I can easily say the worst I am, is a little tipsy. I shut my eyes tight, to stop the burning. Once I tried opening my eyes again, a squint was all I could hold.

What time is it? Is she ready to go home yet? I started thinking about how we even got her in the first place: some strangers' Christmas party.

People around me were laughing and swaying. Some were in costumes, but most of the people looked like they only came for the alcohol, dressed in casual clothing. At one point, I think I saw some women in matching skimpy reindeer costumes. Hope they’re having fun. I hope my siblings are having fun too.

If they’re not, and this was just a waste of time, I might strangle them.

After a nap. I don’t think I could lift my arms if I tried.

Home, Nap, Strangle. Ok, good plan.

Suddenly, sleepiness drained from my face as I caught sight of something interesting happening near a couch in the center of the room.

As I walked over, my interest piqued. I recognized my brother and sister, sitting on the floor, and a face I haven’t seen since the beginning of the party- Oscar.

He was sitting two people away from my sister in what looked like a circle. Everyone was talking and sipping on their drinks. However, what caught my eye in the first place was a girl standing in the middle of the people-circle. She was wearing a bright red dress that fit her nicely, and a santa hat on top of her curled hair. In her hands was another Santa hat. She held it upside down and open, walking around the circle. I was confused, because instead of collecting pieces of paper, or trash, people were dropping personal items in the hat. I watched as my sister put in her bracelet.

I made eye contact with her as the Santa girl walked away. Her eyes widened and she smiled a goofy grin. She looked sober at least.

I tilted my head, making a show that I was confused at what was going on. She just smiled and watched the Santa girl turn towards my brother.

He took a look around the circle of people and then back to the girl. He then took off a ring and dropped it into the hat.

I was even more confused, why are they giving her their jewelry?

I walked over after throwing away my drink. I crouched down next to my sister on the ground and got close to talk to her.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

She let out a quiet giggle while whispering close to my ear. “Oh! Good timing, we haven’t started yet, you can still join.”

Before I could ask for more information, my sister grabbed my wrist and slipped off a beaded bracelet I was wearing. She motioned the Santa girl over and put my bracelet in the hat. The santa girl gave a look to my sister then to me, nodding like she approved.

“Hey! I liked that bracelet, why would you just-” I got a little annoyed. Instead of taking me seriously, my sister tugged on my arm again, making me plop onto the floor in between her and my brother.

“Relax, you’ll get it back at the end, or if you get chosen.” She tried to assure me, but my mind was just whirling with questions.

“If im CHOSen? What is this, a cult initiation?”

“Oh my god, Y/n, no it's just a party game. Apparently it’s a local game they play here every year.” She didn’t elaborate until I quirked a brow and shook my head.

“Which is…..?” I asked.

“Oh, I have no idea. I just wanted to do something and this seemed like fun. Plus I got Oscar and our brother to join so it should be fine.”

I was bewildered at this information. I looked away from my sister to the other side of me. My brother looked relaxed and met my gaze. He just shrugged his shoulders and took a sip of his drink, seemingly unbothered. I scoffed and looked around the room. looking for a clue to what I was getting myself into.

My gaze latched on to the Santa girl, holding her hat in front of Oscar. He looked at her, confused. Then I’m guessing she started to explain to him what was going on. From where I was, I couldn't hear anything but saw her lips moving quickly and her point around the circle of people. Once she finished talking, Oscar’s face turned to one of shock, his brows shooting up. He stayed frozen before he nodded and looked down to his cup.

In less than a second he downed the rest of its contents.

When the Santa girl shook the hat in front of him, it made a sound of metals clinging together, no doubt filled with random belongings. I'm guessing she was asking for him to give up an offering or sacrifice a personal item, for whatever reason it was necessary to this ‘game.’ Oscar nodded to the girl and started taking off his watch. He undid the metal band quickly and dropped it into the hat.

As soon as the girl walked away, Oscar’s eyes darted to me. I was already watching the encounter so we made eye contact. Instead of looking away, he kept looking. I don’t know what he was looking for but his gaze made me start to feel achingly sober.

I was one of the many people dressed in casual clothes, not bothering to go all out for a stranger’s party. As I looked away from Oscar's piercing gaze; my eyes traveled away and down his attire. He was wearing a white tee-shirt (one that actually fits him). A tee shirt shouldn’t be anything special, but something’s wrong with my mind tonight. Maybe it’s the alcohol.

I traced down his body to the nice-fitting dark jeans he was wearing. Then back up to the shirt. He was looking away from me now, talking to my brother. As he used his hands while he talked, I watched his form- more specifically his arms. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. When did he get so…

Yep. Definitely the alcohol.

Santa-girl stepped back into the circle, breaking my thoughts and bringing everyone’s attention to her.

“Alright!” She had an annoyingly cheery voice. “Let’s get started. To those who don’t know, we’re playing 7 minutes in heaven.”

Oh my god.

My sister didn’t know what 7 MINUTES IN HEAVEN was?

I looked around trying to find away out of the game, but people had already gathered around and It’d be embarrassing to leave.

“What kind of party is this?” I asked my sister. “A middle schooler’s dream experience surely.”

“I agree… But it’s either this or a monopoly with the skimpy reindeer over there.” She used a thumb to point to behind her where some skimpy reindeer were in fact, playing monopoly.

I rubbed a hand down my face and huffed.

Who doesn’t know what 7 minutes in heaven is!?

Santa-girl was, I'm guessing, the host of this childish game, walking around the circle. She stopped in front of my sister, to my surprise and held the hat in front of her.

“Oh and I hear you three are siblings, so either throw their item back in the hat or give it to somebody else.” She added on with a smile and held open the hat to my sister.

Slowly, with anxious eyes, she stuck her hand in her hand and dug around. She carefully took out her hand, a sparkly pink lipgloss in her grip. She turned towards me quickly, and smirked, obviously interested. She held up the item proudly and waited for someone to claim it.

In seconds, my sister sat up and walked with someone to a room with a candy cane taped to the door. Everybody clapped as they left.

“There’s the first couple!” The santa girl clapped her hands together, then went on her phone, supposedly waiting for their time to be up. I talked to my brother for 7 minutes, trying to guess how my sister will be once she walks out.

To neither of our surprise, she walked out a mess, matching the lucky lady next to her. She didn’t bother fixing her makeup or hair, wearing a big grin. I laughed at her appearance as she quickly sat back down next to me.

A couple more rounds passed, and I was yet to have been picked. My brother went in with a girl earlier and came back with what I swear was the dictionary definition of “awestruck.”

Oscar’s also been chosen. The girl that grabbed his watch looked way too eager to get him alone. The whole time they were gone my mind was reeling. When they came out the girl had the same expression but neither of them looked messed up like my sister had.

I felt something deep inside me that sort of felt like relief.

Santa-girl walked around the circle. Other than me there were a few others, so I was praying she chose one of them, and not me. She was about to walk to a guy next to me, but all of a sudden, my sister grabbed her arm and lightly steered her back, In my direction.

“Here you are…” My sister whispered to me.

I cleared my throat and tried to laugh to ease the stress building in my throat.

Now that she stood in front of me with an eager look that matched the rest of the room’s stares, I panicked. I sat still until my sister spoke up.

“Y/n, you don’t have to, i just thought you wa-” My sister tried.

“I DO!” I shot back, a little too quickly. “I mean,” I cleared my throat and spoke quieter. “I’ll do it, I'm fine.”

But even after announcing i’d do it, my hands didnt move towards the hat.

My sister looked at me, like she was making a decision, and then asked me quietly, so only I could hear her.

“How ‘bout this? I’ll pick for you.”

“Yeah, umm. Sure yeah you pick for me.” The santa girl heard my reply and nodded in approval, she turned the hat towards my left and my sister immediately dove in.

She dug in the hat for a bit. It must have been 30 seconds before she stopped digging. Her hand was still in the hat, and she turned to me with the biggest smile I’d seen tonight.

To my horror, she pulled out a familiar looking item, shining in the firelight.

“Ah.” She held it up to the circle with confidence and then turned to drop in in my hand. I looked down at the silver watchface, taunting me.

She’d picked Oscar’s watch for me, and I know she’d been purposely looking for it too.

I looked at her again, then when she didn't say anything but smile, I closed my eyes tight again. I took a deep breath out of annoyance and stood up. Everyone’s eyes watched my stand and held out the watch.

I didn’t need to wait for anyone to claim it. Instead I looked straight at Oscar. He was already looking at me, his eyes were dark and trained on my own.

From the side of me, I heard someone ask my brother “no way, do they have, like, tension or something?” the person wasn’t’t being as quiet as they thought they were.

My brother replied “apparently…”

My sister joined in the conversation. “Tension? These two have had tension since elementary school.”

“Ooh childhood romance.” the stranger acknowledged.

“More like childhood rivals.” My brother whispered. I didn’t turn to them to show I heard their entire conversation, and instead kept looking at Oscar.

He moved his legs to stand and wiped down his pants, smoothing the ripples from sitting.

Instead of looking back at me, he beelined for the candy cane room, not bothering to turn and see if I was following…

NEXT PART HERE!!!!!!!!!! ASHDJFJSNJDKDNDJDNDNDJDNDJF WOOOOOOOOOOOOO CLICK HEREEE!

[ivysangel]

listen, i think smut is great. i read it, i write it, i think about way more than is probably considered healthy, but i don't think it should be as readily accessible in bookstores as it is right now, and especially without warnings.

i went to barnes & noble with my friend a few weeks ago and in the front of the store was this humongous romance section that had hundreds of those booktok romance books that was trending now. i wish i had a picture to show you guys just how big it was, because there were like six or so book cases and then this big table with some "romantic summer reads".

naturally, because it's what's trending right now, so many of the books had those really cute cartoon couple drawings. you know the one's where the two mc's are standing next to each other, or back to back, or hugging or smth (ykwim) and all of them were completely innocent looking and not marked as having adult content in any way. this isn't my first rodeo or anything, so i know that a really good chunk of these books have graphic sex written in them despite having no warnings or indicators of such content. and sure enough as me and my friend are flipping through them we're seeing all of the graphic depictictions of sex that if you were just reading the blurb on the back you would not know existed in the book.

the rationale i've seen from a lot of the authors and readers of the book are that they want something "inconspicuous" that doesn't draw attention to the fact that they're reading smut in public or whatever. and while i understand the sentiment, there's got to be some kind of regulation for this kind of thing. because some kid who's just looking for a cute romance book accidentally picking up smut is actually very bad and shouldn't be normalized in the slightest.

and i always see people saying, "well their parents should be checking the stuff they read anyway" or "i read smut when i was young so i don't see what the problem is" which pisses me off so bad because:

A) i know that when i was younger my mom didn't monitor what i read because the books i was reading were never misleading. both the covers, blurbs, and warnings (if there ever were any) were in line with the content of the books i read and there was no reason to be worried. i'm almost 100% sure that when most parents go to the bookstore with their kid and their child picks up a book with a cute cover, and the info about the plot on the back says nothing about it being anything other than a cute relationship, they don't think anything of it. maybe if it was one of those harlequin novels with the shirtless guys and the ladies with their boobs spilling out of tight dresses they'd tell them to put the book down but because the covers of new age smut books are designed to decieve, that's exactly what they do. decieve. and if it works on your friends and family and everyone around you, why in god's name wouldn't it work on someone's parent.

and B) it's no secret that kids have been reading smut well before they should for ages. i read smut as a kid, some of my friends read smut as kids, lots of people have and will continue to do so, the difference is that it wasn't as mainstream and easily accessible as it is now. not that you had to scour the internet for it, a quick search on wattpad would give you a million results, but it wasn't something that wasn't so publicly advertised, and sold. in my experience, it was the kind of thing that you heard about from a friend who heard about it from another friend not fucking tiktok. the biggest social media platform rn.

i'd also like to point out that if you read smut when you were younger and grew up to not understand how harmful it is, even going as far to encourage kids to read it, you're a huge fucking weirdo. i'm only 18, still very much a "child" by some people's standards, and i get chills when i remember how young i and some of my friends were when we created our first wattpad accounts. which is probably why i care so much about this topic, i don't think children should be exposed to that kind of stuff at all, and i don't like how now anyone of any age can walk into a bookstore and either knowingly or unknowingly pick up some freak nasty sex because a bunch or horny people on tiktok can't understand how harmful it is to have these books in so many places without any warnings whatsoever.

also: this had already gotten so long but i forgot to mention that there's a rising interest in "dark themes" and those books DEFINITELY need a warning. i wrote an essay once on how unregulated darker themed media has contributed to the idealization of toxic relationships in young people, and i'd like to say that right now i think booktok is one of the biggest contributors

[biganncookie19]

a cold day off pt1

König x reader

könig x reader

summary: new guy shows up to the base and warms up reader dring his stay. one thing lead to a another.

a/n: this is my first fanfic so not sure how good its. hope you injoy this big guy like a do, i may do a part 2 

warnings: slow burn, fluff, agissty, i dont know am doing 

‐-----‐--‐------------------------------------------

 the last couple of days have been quite in the med bay, mostly being marked up to task force 141 being grounded for the next 2 weeks. Something about the last mission was a buss and ended up with soap having a gunshot to the leg and Gaz’s arm with some burns. most of the day I’ve spend reorganizing the office and taking count of stock, taking note that am low on disinfect, ointment and rapping gaze. Deciding to find the captain and ask about when the next supply drop, making my way thought the cold building. “Who idea was to pick the middle of England during the fucking winter for a dame base” I mumble to myself. Not even with baggy cargo pants and hoodie I can still feel the cold nipping at my fingers.

Turing in to the makeshift dining room to Find Captain price with ghost and Gaz looking over the table that was covered in folders and lose papers talking about the next steps for the mission. “captain I got a question for ya” saying while walking over to the table, “whatcha need doc” he grumbled his eyes never leaving the paper in his hand.  “ I wanted to know when the next supply drop was going to come in, the med bays running low on materials”. Gaz passing me a paper while saying “it going to be coming in sooner by tonight, do you want one of us to help you load up the truck ?”.Captain Price picks his head up to say “that won't be needed, i called for more arms support The new guy should be coming on the plane. You don't mind picking him do you y/n?’.

“As long as he helps load up the trunk than ya i don’t mind, less time in the cold for me” shrugging my shoulders putting the paper back on the table.

 “Also how’s soap doing haven't seen him around base”

 Ghost replies first “he been in bed all day, came down with a small cold”

 “ ah, tell him to get his butt out of bed and to see me in the med bay when I get back to check over him,” saying while walking over to the coffee pot to pour myself a cup for the night. “ Who's the new guy anyway?”.

 Captain Price leans back in his chair to say “he is an insertion specialist with a private military company apparently he is more on the shy side, so try not to scare him off’ y/n”.  Finishing Stirring sweetener into my cup “was hoping for another lady but he shall do” taking a sip out of the cup, also hoping there is some milk on the plane.

 It is around 7am when I got to the airport and had to wait in the truck until it was safe to park the truck close to the plane to load it up. Rubbing my hands together to warm them up I really should have bought another jacket, so I don’t freeze my ass off even with the heater all the way up it only helps a little. Seeing one of the runway men give all clear to go in, staring up the car to back it up. Whence lined up to the plane putting the truck in park and jumping out of the truck to see the new guy and the supplies. One the pilots comes up to me with a click board in hand “this is for you to sign also the new guy should be out in a little bit” signing the paper and handing it back to him. “There no rush, let start loading the truck I am pretty sure no one wants to be out here longer than they need to”. Walking over to the back of the truck to drop the tailgate and help load, turning around to only to see a massive man walk down the ramp. He's wearing some kind of hood covering all of his face, kind of like ghost but only taller and skinnier. I hold my hand out for him to shake “ the name’s y/n am the medic for the team you can put your bag in the front of the truck and can you give me a hand moving the boxes?” He takes my hand engulfing it with his, giving it a small shake nodding his head but never meeting my eyes.

 After putting his bag in the truck, he starts helping me move the boxes picking them up like it’s nothing and without losing breath. To say it didn't make me blush a little bit would be an understatement, but what really caught my eye was his surprisingly   small waist! The members of 141 are more on the big side having to be well built with muscle and some fat, and I thought ghost had the small waist. Leaning back after the both of us finish with the boxes, now that i can get a better look at the new guy he’s very tall for sure maybe around 6’10 but kind of looks goofy with the big puffy jacket.

 “ I take it you're not used to the cold?” I say trying to at least make the car ride back not awkward.

 “ n-n-no ma'am I don't take well to this k-kind of weather” he spurs out  

 “Same here, let’s get going. I have the heater on inside” quickly turning around to get inside the trunk. Oh god. His voice is not at all what I expected, hitting right in the soft spot with his dorkie high voice. Come on y/n, you can handle this there is no reason a man with a dorkie voice, tall and strong should be leaving you blushing like a high school girl. Just drive back to base and you’ll be fine. Ones’ were both in the truck I rub my hands together trying to warm them up before driving, I can feel someone’s eyes burning into the side of my head. “ so mm i don't think i got your name?” turning to catch his eyes.

 “i-it’s König ma’am” even with the mask i can see that he has soft doe eyes that are covered in some kind of black eyeshadow. Taking a quick glance down to his hands, he is playing with his slender fingers.

 “Yeah, there no need for formalities am just the doctor” i try to wave off seeing if that would make him any less nervous

 “O-oh i'm-sorry” his voice cracks a bit and his eyes snap to his fingers and sinking back into the seat, it looks like he's trying to make himself smaller.  Dag it y/n now he looks like a sad jellyfish.

 The drive back to base was awkward but manageable. Turning off the truck and opening the door had the cold hitting right in my face like a wall. “Come on let's get inside before it gets colder” jumping off the truck and closing the door.

 “B-but what about the supplies?’’  König asked

 “We can get them tomorrow, come on big guy” I say while waving my hand to follow me inside. Basically, jogging to escape the harsh outdoors. Following me close behind with his bag in hand. Opening the door to get in, I guess I forgot to say watch your head cuz i heard a thunk behind me. quickly turning around to see König holding his head down grumbling in pain, without thinking my hands instantly went to check his head. “are you ok, am sorry i should have given you a heads up” Rambling out

 “N-n-no no no I should have been looking” he said looking up, realizing that I have his face in my hands and atop of his. Pulling my hands back, shoving them into my pockets, I spilled out “ w-we should go get you to the team” turning around to speed walk to the makeshift kitchen. At this point I’m pretty sure my face is all red, I just want to go hide in my office. Getting to the room I see captain price, ghost and gaz all still at the table, “sup, I got the new guy” i moved to the side to give König space to see the others. Captain Price was the first to get up to greet König “welcome to the team König, with your skills I am sure we can pull through the mission” he gave a smile to König. König hands caught my eye again , his free hand fingers were rubbing together hard.

  As the team started talking i Slipped out of the room, skedaddle back to my room since it’s closer. Closing the door behind me and leading on it, he’s only been here less than 3 hours and he’s already got me all flustered. Thinking back to when I had my hand on top of his, his hands were rough and warm. I wonder what his hands would feel like ar- .no no no put yourself together y/n he’s here to do his job not rail some chick he just met, his probably stressed out and nervous. Mumbling to myself, I’ve been stationed out here for a long time i haven't had any intimacy with another person i guess i just jump on whatever chance there is now.  

 Its whatever now, its late and i would like to sleep this off and get stuff done tomorrow. Looking around my room seeing clothes all over the floor and on the spare bed, i was lucky to score a room to myself. I wouldn't mind sharing a room with one of the guys but i like knowing my eyeshadow hasn’t been raided by ghost and the room doesn't smell. Changing out of my cargo pants into some short shorts, cuz for the life of me i cant sleep in any kind of pants. Taking off the hoodie to only leave the light long-sleeve. walking over to my bed ready  to throw myself into my mess of blankets

 A knock at the door catches my attention, opening the door i see gaz. “ yo price wants to see if its ok to have König in your room tonight?.i would have him in my room i would like if König doesnt get sick by soap”. “Auh yeah am fine with that just need to clean” i spill out, god my heart is racing right now why would i say yes. “Don't trip on your clothes” gaz said laughing as he walked away

 Panicking i shove some of the clothes under my bed, picking up the rest and shoving it into my drawers. Rushing to clear off the spare bed and cleaning it off. A another knock on the door, dag it dag it “ give me a minute” i shout out. I rush over to my desk to spray myself with a body spray,just in case.

Rushing over to open the door for König, seeing him stan there so unsure of himself makes my heart pater a little bit. “ sorry for the wait i had to clean up a bit, so sorry for the mess” i breathed out moving to the side for him to come in. he walks in and stands next to the spare bed putting his bag down  “ a-a-are you sure yo-your ok with me being here?” i waved him off. “ its fine König am use to men being around, plus you also need your sleep”

I move over my bed to mess with it and clear it off to sleep, i can hear König move around a bit than the bed creaking under his weight. As i was done messing with the bed i move on to my desk to organize it since am no where close to sleepy. As am walking over to the desk i see König siting on the bed taking off parts of his gear  but not his mask. I turn to him asking “ if you don't mind me asking König do you take off your mask or your like ghost who sleeps in it?” hes leaning on hes knees one of which is jumping, not looking at me

 “ i p-pefer to k-keep it on”

 “Ah gotcha, i don't mind it” he glazes up for a sec but not to my face, i blush a bit moving to my desk to do something. Before i walked away i took note on how hes wearing a tight long sleeve shirt that hangs to his frame. He dose look good tho

 After like 6 mins at being at my desk i get up to leave the room to give König some space, but as i was going to walk pass him he gets up right as am front of him. It feels likes like running in to a tree almost knocking me over. But before i could fall over i feel König slender hands land on my hips keeping me in place

“ a-a-am so sorry y-y/n i wasn't -l-looking, are you alright??” he sounded panicked

 Every part of me is red and hot at this point, realizing his hands are still on my hips. I push my self off “ i-it fine König it fine am just going to the bathroom” i say with my hands up leaving the room. Rushing to the bathroom I get in closing the door. Leaning over the sink “ get a hold of yourself y/n you cant fold this easily “I mumbled out. Looking down at my leg’s which are barely even covered, I move my hands to where  König had his placed. I can still feel his warmth and the pressure i smiled a bit. Oh god he must feel horribly i cant imagine how  bad his anxiety is right now.

 I calm myself down taking deep breaths and splashing my face with some icy water. I walk back to my room and open the door, soon as i go in König stans up and he starts talking fast fumbling over his words. No doubt  hes also flustered trying to apologize for bumping into me. I wave my hands “it fine really it was a accident your fine” i say trying to calm him down.

 “A-are you sure?”

 “Yes König”

 “O-ok” he says siting back down on the bed, oh this man is too cute

 “Oh! I almost forgot to give you a pillow and blanket” i turn around to grab some form my bed

 “  oh y-y/n you d-don't have to, you al-already done so must for me” he tries to protest

 “Nonesec König you said so yourself you don't do well in the cold” i bend over to pick up the bedding to give to him. As soon i turned around König head snap to the floor, pretty sure he was looking at my ass. cheeky man. I handed him my spare pillow and blanket “do you want another pillow?”

 Still not meeting my eyes he spits  out “your t-too kind this is f-fine thank you”  

 I gave him a nod i turned around to go to bed, as i climbed in i looked at König one last time. Now in the light I can see that there two faded red line’s coming down from König eyes holes. “König If you don’t mind can you turn off the light when you’re done, please. He’s head come up “yes well do”

I turned around and laid my head on my pillow.

oh

Let’s hope tomorrow  is a lot better

[pudding-parade]

One of the goddamned barns. LOL

The front of it is, unfortunately always in shadow until late in the day which, since this zoo is in the taiga biome (That is, far enough north/south that it's just a bit warmer than tundra), is pretty dark already. So I chose an unfortunate side of the reindeer habitat to place the barn, but the other side already had a viewing platform, sooooo... At least the second pic of the side will give you a better idea of the colors and details and such. The rocks on the left side of the front of the building are temporary, just there to hold the reindeer in until I get things finalized.

I'm going to use this kind of simple, modern style with lots of glass, medium-dark wood, black trim in gridded shapes, black roof, and corrugated metal cladding throughout all buildings in the zoo, to keep things cohesive. It's a bit of bahhaus inspiration, I guess, with the glass and the black gridded trim. I just like the clean lines of it, and I think it goes well with the biome.

This building includes hard shelter with some stalls for the reindeer, though they'll just lay anywhere within the area of the building that the barriers allow them in, so stalls I'm building are just deco, really.

Here's one of the ladies checking things out at a very early stage in the building before I put in the floor and when I was going to use metal girder trim instead of wood beams. I guess she wasn't impressed, since she decided to poop in there. LOL Thanks, Astrid!

Anyway, the habitat gate where the staff goes in and out of the habitat is incorporated into the building, and there's also a keeper hut for food prep and a water treatment machine, which I use because I prefer natural-looking water in non-desert habitats rather than artificial troughs and water bowls and such. The treatment machine keeps all water within a radius of the machine clean, so animals won't get sick from drinking dirty water. It's an expensive machine when you're just starting out, but for me and the naturalistic approach I prefer, it's worth it.

I did this backwards, though. Usually, I build the hard shelter first and then build the habitat. But, I started out messing around sculpting the habitat out of an existing slope, so then I had to put in the barn afterward, which makes it more difficult. Always better to do any buildings first, if a habitat is going to have one.

Here's the guest view into the habitat:

Still lots of detailing with plants and rocks and stuff to do. Also, the wood log barrier is going to go, eventually. I'll probably switch it out for glass with some rock cladding, to make it look more natural and blended with the rest of the barrier, as well as to continue the glass theme.

[whydontyousaeso]

“Better in person”

You live as a cam girl, you always had made your money that way. But how does it end up when one of your top fans, and a pro wrestler, gets a date with you?

Warnings- SMUT!!! MINORS DNI!!!! Semi public sex, cam girl au (if that’s even needed)

A/n- first work to be posted here! Honestly pretty excited for what you guys think. Feel free to reblog and like, and my request are still open! Love you guys and merry Christmas!

You sat down your keys and walked into your bathroom, checking the time on your phone.

3:30

That’s good, that meant that you had 2 hours to get ready. One of your top fans had won a date with you, and while you were excited, you were nervous too. You’ve never been out on a date with anyone, so this would be new to you.

You jumped in the shower, deep washing your hair and doing your entire body clean. You knew he had high expectations, any man who payed thousands of dollars to see you naked had high expectations.

His username was rh0d3y, he had told you in conversations and private video calls that he was well off money wise, so he would make sure you were taken care of on the date.

Not that you needed it, but it was always appreciated.

By the time you finished your shower and your hair, it was almost 5. You sent him a quick text, making sure he was still good for tonight.

“Hey rh0d3y, hope you still good for tonight?”

“Of course, I’ve been thinking about it all day. Which dress will you be wearing?”

“Whichever one you want, I have some different silk dresses if you want me to wear one of them.”

“If you have a blue one wear that one, if not wear red”

“I have blue, I’ll use that one then ;)”

“Great, also the reservation will be under ‘rhodes’”

You gave his last message a thumbs up and walked into your closet, pulling out the dark blue dress you had told him about. It came down to your mid thigh when you sat down, and was a sleeveless top along with it. It wasn’t one you could wear a bra with, due to the spaghetti straps, but it wasn’t like you planned to need it anyways.

You threw on your matching underwear, a dark blue lace pair, and slipped into the dress, looking at yourself in the mirror. You debated sending a picture to him, but decided against it. You slipped your heels on and touched up your makeup, slipping a lip gloss into your purse. It was time to go, damn you were nervous.

when you got to the restaurant you were able to skip the line of people waiting and go straight to the front desk. “Hi, do you have a reservation?” The lady at the front asked, “I don’t, but my date does, it’ll be under Rhodes?” The girl tapped the screen and smiled, “of course! Follow me, he’s in one of our private rooms.”

Private rooms? You weren’t aware that they existed in the restaurant. As she lead you back a tightness started in your stomach, you couldn’t tell if it was excitement, nervousness, or just straight up lust. You hadn’t really seen him before, so for all you know it could be a 70 year old man waiting for you.

You were quickly proven wrong though. As soon as she opened the door you were greeted by a young man smoking a cigar. You saw his eyes light up as he stood up quickly. “Here you go ma’am, just let us know when you’re ready to order.” You smiled and nodded as she walked away, making your way in the room.

“Rhodes?” You asked the tall blond, “you don’t have to call me that, feel free to call me Cody dear.” The tightness in your stomach worsened, it was obvious what it was now. You nodded once more, sitting down across from him. You watched the way he moved, the way his blue suit hugged every muscle of his. It was almost unfair that he had hid this amazing body from you.

“So what do you do for a living Cody?” You asked, taking a sip from the water they had set out. “I’m a professional wrestler, like for wwe.”

“Oh really? You’re gonna have to take me to one of your shows, I’m interested now.” He smiled, looking at your outfit, only then did you realize that you were matching colors. “The dress looks amazing on you, blue really suits you” you saw his eyes darken as he looked you over.

“I’m sure it looks better up close, if you want to see.” You slid out of the booth, walking over to his side. Almost instinctively he turned towards you, opening his lap for you to sit on. You straddled one of his legs, placing your hands on his broad shoulders. One of his hands went to your waist while the other went to your thigh, squeezing both lightly.

“You look better in person than you do on camera.” He mumbled, leaning up to press his lips against yours. You moved on of your hands to his cheek, deepening the kiss and pulling his face towards yours. You felt his hands go to your ass, grabbing hard. You arched your back and moaned, pressing your breast up against his chest. He pulled away momentarily, dragging your straps down your arms, slowly exposing your tits. “I don’t even know where to start…”

“Well what are your options?”

“Fucking you dumb right now or going slow and taking my time with your body.”

“I think I know which one you want.”

He laughed, turning both of you around and laying you down on the booth. You moaned softly as the cold leather hit your bare back. You watched as Cody started taking off his jacket, but you grabbed his arm. “Don’t take it off, leave it on.”

He smirked and leaned back down, rubbing his hand up your thigh, higher and higher. “Mmm, Cody please”

“Shhhh it’s okay, I’m getting there baby girl trust me.”

You felt his hand remove from your thighs and whined. “Hey hey calm down baby girl, I’m about to give you what you want I promise.” He mumbled against your lips as you felt him undo his belt buckle, it didn’t take but a second for you to feel his dick on your clothed cunt.

“You ready darling?” He asked, moving your underwear to the side. You simply nodded and bit your lip, sure you had sex before, but nothing like this. You knew it was going to be good the moment he grabbed your waist.

He slammed into you, both of you letting out deep groans and loud moans. “God, are you always this tight?” You bit your lip and shook your head, squeezing your eyes shut as he slammed his hips into yours.

He gripped your thigh, pulling it higher up to go deeper. You were seeing stars just with him thrusting, you could only imagine what the climax was going to feel like. Not that you were going to have to wait long, he knew what he was doing.

You were lucky enough to snap out of the self pleasure mindset that you were in and snap back to reality, opening your eyes to see Cody hunched over you, mumbling dirty words and phrases in your ear. You reached around his broad figure and dug your nails into his back, hearing him chuckle.

“Is this better then any of the little toys I see you use to play with yourself? I bet it is, isn’t it?”

You could only let out little gasps for air, leaving red marks behind on his back. Your mind was foggy, and your eyes were starting to tear up. You’ve never had an orgasm that made you pass out, but today might actually be the day.

“I hope you don’t mind me cumming quick baby, if you got me on a good day we would keep this going for hours.” He grunted as he sat up to look at you.

“Just cum, please” that was all you could mumble through your hazy mind and teary eyes. You felt the tightness in your stomach become unbearable, something that had never happened before. You closed your eyes and let it snap, releasing all your fluids that had built up, causing you to scream from the extreme pleasure.

You couldn’t hear his mutterings, or see the way he bit his lip and slammed into you deeper then ever, releasing his own spurts into you. It took you everything to stay awake, you were exhausted. As both of you panted and tried to catch your breath you heard a chuckle from him.

“So would you like to start off with an appetizer darling?”

[millerflintstone]

Dream recap ahead!

Unfriendly took me to some urgent care in the city south of us for something. Not sure what I had going on. I think I needed some kind of shot. Anyway, the doctor saw me and told me I was going to have to make another appointment because I was a walk in and her next patient wasn't and she didn't want to be late.

I complained at the front about lack of patient care or something. A medical tech came by and basically stuck a needle in my arm and then walked away, leaving it in my arm. It wasn't an intravenous shot, and she stuck it in my forearm. I was furious and just went out to the car.

I started telling Unfriendly about my experience back in the car, realized I didn't get the doctor's name, and went back in for her business card. On the way in, I had to walk this empty hallway. I noticed my purse on the floor and was surprised because I didn't realize I was that kind of discombobulated to drop my purse and not notice. Only a few minutes had passed since I left

Well, relief turned into panic when I realized the purse was COMPLETELY empty. When I got inside, I asked if anyone had turned in a wallet. They hadn't. I grabbed the doctor's business card and went back to the car.

We decided to go file a police report. As I was trying to fill out the report I was just bawling because of how much complicated life became. I had no ID. Had to cancel all my cards. We were worried if this was going to delay the final steps of selling the house. There was also a thin Asian lady who needed help filling out her form. For some reason, I was doing mine on my phone. There were signs all around saying you couldn't ask other people for help on your form and she got reprimanded. Weird.

Then I realized there was a thin metal object, kind of the thickness of a small paperclip that's been pulled out of shape, bent through the skin of my left inner wrist in a weird long letter C looking shape. No recollection of how that got there, but I pulled it out and blood started pulsing out.

I think we went to a different doctor but their line to check in was outside, like at a movie theater.

Then I woke up realizing it was a dream.

[persephonesportal]

How It All Started

Part 2 to Family Line

Next part

Taglist: @khaylin27 - @renajimaa

Summary: A glimpse into meeting the love of your life, falling into a tornado of bliss and despair

Pairing: Jake 'Hangman' Seresin x F!Reader

A/N: Doesn't follow the film plot, this is just a prequel

Warning: Talks of cancer, alluded/talks of trauma and PTSD (I have no knowledge of psychology and how the navy works), pregnancy, alcohol consumption, fluff

Another buzz from my phone went off, thinking I can just check it after the session.

"And I think that's okay, you feel frustrated that it happened but you also need to remember that you lived another day, one step at a time" I remind my patient, "Anyway, anything you want to cover in our next session, just write it down and we will go over it"

Letting my patient out the door with a smile on my face and walking over to my desk to check who decided now to annoy me.

UNCLE ICE: Cancel any plans you had for tomorrow night

ME: Why?

UNCLE ICE: You and I are going to an event, find a nice dress.

Rolling my eyes fondly at the obvious order from Uncle Ice, grabbing my bag and walking out my office finished for the day. I guess I have a dress to look for runs across my mind.

NEXT DAY

Finishing up the final touches to my curled updo and lipgloss, I bend over to grab both my clutch and phone. Seeing a text from Uncle Ice to say that the driver is outside causing me to walk out my front door locking it behind me.

As I'm involved with the conversation at the table with Uncle Ice, Aunt Sarah and a few of the older higher ups, looking around the room until my eyes meet a set of gorgeous green eyes a few tables over. Quirking my eyebrow at the obvious wink he sends my way before taking the finishing sip of my drink.

Slowly standing up, excusing myself to my table mates as I walk away to get another drink from the bar. Standing there for a moment before I hear a slight cough and a southern drawl behind me.

"Well aren't you just gorgeous?" Twirling my head around to meet the green eyes of the tall, blonde gentleman in dress whites.

"Does that ever work for you or do you just save it for naval events?" Escapes my lips before I get the chance to stop it.

He slightly chuckles as if what I said was mildly amusing.

"Well tell me if it does" He takes a slight breath thinking I wouldn't notice, "Jake Seresin ma'am and may I ask your name?"

Introducing myself just as the bartender approaches with my drink, thanking them turning back around making my way back to my table. Sipping my drink with every step that I take, he strides up to my left causing my eyebrow to lift at his obvious determination.

"Well may I ask, pretty lady, if I could see you some time?"

Humming to delay my response, " I guess you'll have to find out"

Finally reaching my table, kissing Uncle Ice and Aunt Sarah on their cheeks to let them know of my departure and plans to stop by in the next week.

Grabbing my things and making my way out the main doors, I can still feel his presence one step behind me. Reaching the street, I pull out my phone to order a ride before he slightly covers the screen with his hand.

Looking up at Jake confused, "May I give you a ride home?" He asks almost in a nervous way.

"I don't usually do this but just this once" I reply, kind of shocked that I would actually say that to this Adonis like stranger.

Leading me to his truck, one hand at the small of my back before proceeding to open the passenger door for me and assisting me in.The next 20 minutes in the car was not what I expected. Jake was constantly asking me questions about myself and actually listening to what I had to say, sharing small stories of his life growing up in Texas, shared music taste.

Well let's just say he ended up with my number and a date the next day.

TIME SKIP

6 months into the relationship with Jake and it's going amazing, he is the biggest sweetheart despite having a cocky persona. It seems to everyone else we rushed into this relationship especially since we decided to move in with each other a month ago, but I honestly think Jake is my soulmate no matter what anyone else says.

Its currently December and we're heading up to Texas to spend the holidays with his family. I met Jake's family at the 4 month mark and honestly it felt as if I was one of them. Jake is one of the biggest momma's boy I have met and it both warms and hurts my heart to see.

I explained to Jake my story about my dad passing away in a training accident when I was four, my mom passing away from cancer and the breakdown with my brother Bradley who ended up going to Top Gun at the same time as Jake. He just hugged me as I sobbed my heart out telling him how much I wished my parents could have met him.

His mom Debbie practically adopted me in, teaching me baking recipes and telling me childhood stories of Jake and his siblings that he obviously was too embarrassed about.

I knew I wouldn't have traded that for the world. Only I didn't know what was to come 2-3 months later.

TIME SKIP

After returning home with Jake from the holidays in Texas, I came to the realization that my period was late. Without telling Jake, I decided to go get a pregnancy test or four just to be sure.

Sitting against the bathtub waiting for the timer to go off felt more like hours than it was minutes.

"Sweetheart? Are you in there?" Comes from outside the bathroom door and before I can stand to hide the tests, Jake comes walking in.

"There you are darlin, what are you doing on the-"Cutting himself off from finishing the sentence as he spots the pregnancy tests sitting on the counter.

Taking a deep breath in, "My periods late Jake and so I thought just to rule it out"

As I stand up, the timer goes off. Jake and I both look at each other before he flips one test and I flip another.

Positive they both read

Shocked, we look at each other once again before he suddenly darts towards me picking me up and slightly spins me.

Giggling, "I take it you're excited about it?" struck by the smile that emerges on his face

"Oh sweetheart, you made me the happiest" spinning me around again in our bathroom, sharing a smiled infused kiss

Well I guess we're having a baby.

[lakecoded]

most harrowing airport experience survived

[violetsaffron5]

Infinity

| Ao3 | Discord 18+ | Series Masterlist | Taglist | Chapter 3 |

2 | Unexpected

Pairing: Gojo Satoru x f!Reader

Unexpectedly run into Gojo after five years.

Words: 3883

Genre: JJK Universe with slight additional fantasy elements bc reader is not a sorcerer

cw/an: Nanami in a strip club, Gojo being cocky

5 years later

“Why did I have to come with you?” The blond sorcerer groans. He would have much preferred his night at home, rather than out with him.

“Because I suspect you’ve never been here before,” Gojo says, wrapping an arm around his friend’s shoulder. “Don’t worry, this is one of the classier establishments.”

“You could have brought Geto.”

“Nah, he’s on a date, and this is more fun than whatever you were planning on doing anyway,” Gojo says as Nanami continues to groan, “besides, it’s for a mission.”

“I don’t understand why we had to come in here. The men died in the alley. Couldn’t we just wait there for the culprit?”

“Nope~,” Gojo sings with a smile as they enter the strip club, “I want to check out the inside. See if we get any residuals from a curse user.” And also to see if this is a place he’s going to come back to with Geto, but Nanami doesn’t need to know that.

“This is humiliating. Some of them are topless….” Nanami looks away as a blush creeps up his neck and cheeks.

“Yeah, strippers do that sometimes. Lighten up and have fun, don’t be such a prude,” Gojo pulls down his glasses and smiles at one of the ladies who walks by him, “these ladies are working hard, can’t you tell?”

“Do you really suspect a curse user?” Nanami asks incredulously.

Gojo sighs, trying to have fun before getting serious about work. Taking a seat at the front by the stage, he motions Nanami to sit in the chair next to him. A waitress promptly comes to take their orders - a cocktail and beer.

“I don’t know what I suspect,” Gojo answers honestly, surprising Nanami. “The bodies weren’t found torn to pieces like they typically would with a curse. It’s almost as if… their souls were drained from them. Every one of the bodies were found with a smile on their face.”

“Their soul, huh?” Nanami asks, finally intrigued by something the white-haired sorcerer had to tell him. Gojo rolls his eyes. He was hoping Nanami would loosen up and get laid tonight. Guess that’s not happening.

“The bodies started showing up within the last two months, found on Friday mornings. Sooooo, I figured if we come on Thursday night and go inside, we have a chance to look around for anyone suspicious. If it turns out to be a curse or curse user, we handle it – if not, then we give the information to the police and get paid while having a good time.”

“Please welcome Chastity to the stage – she’s ranked second in our private dancer line up this week. Be sure to say hi when you see her, she is incredibly friendly and loves newcomers!”

Nanami shakes his head, finally understanding Gojo’s motives. “Except I won’t be paid for coming out with you, since this is your mission and you failed to notify anyone I was coming.”

“Nanamiiiiii, be quiet, the next dancer’s starting. I hear good things about her,” he smiles widely, “I suspect she isn’t as pure as her name lets on,” he chuckles to himself while Nanami groans.

Chastity is short, with a bright pink mesh top and thong, and matching eight-inch glitter platform stilettos. She’s pretty with her dark hair cascading down her back in waves, tight little body moving to the beat of the song around the pole on stage.

She’s attractive enough. When they’re done with this little mission, Gojo will probably hook up with her, maybe in the alley where the men died. Now if that isn’t a morbid thought.

Despite telling Nanami to be quiet, Gojo continues to talk while Nanami does his best to ignore him, all the while also trying to avert his gaze from the stage.

“I brought so much cash with me; I’m going to tip her so well.” Gojo says, leaning forward, biting his lip watching Chastity slide down the pole. “Try not to look so grumpy. You’ll scare all the lovely ladies away with that frown.”

Nanami rolls his eyes as Chastity descends the stairs and begins to mingle with customers. 

Having seen Gojo and Nanami while on stage, she walks slowly past them, wondering if they will stop her and give a tip, since neither put any money on stage for her. Gojo definitely plans on doing just that. He knows how to get what he’s after.

“Chastity, yes?”

“Hi sweetie, what can I do for you?” She asks, as delightful as she can, leaning over so her breasts hang, barely in her top as Gojo shamelessly watches.

“You did great.” Gojo pulls down his glasses and winks, causing her to blush. She takes his money and puts it in her top and saunters off to the back room.

“You do feel that, correct?” Nanami questions, annoyed that the man who is technically on the mission has yet to mention the presence that’s been lingering since they walked into this wretched building.

You wait in the back for your turn. Chastity had a set lined up and you were to come on after her. You look in the mirror checking your outfit and hair one last time before standing behind the stage in your entrance area.

You decided to put on the light blue outfit tonight, as it compliments your skin color so well. Halter top, with the fabric going down over each breast, coming together in the center, trailing down your stomach into a thong. You adjusted the straps in the back, holding the top up, to create just a little more space between your breasts. You give them a good bounce to see if they’ll come out, they don’t. Not that it mattered – if they did, you would just get larger tips.

Chastity comes back after her set, extremely giddy making you smile and laugh as you put on the blue masquerade mask. You prefer to cover part of your face, so when you’re out on the town, people won’t recognize you. You’ve made that mistake before.

“Everything okay?” You ask, giving her a big grin, wondering if a cute customer gave her their phone number.

“There are these two total hunks in the front seats!” She exclaims, excitedly while telling you how much he tipped her.

“Wow, that’s a lot from one customer,” you flash your eyebrows to her, “you must have really brought it tonight, damn!”

“I wonder if I can get either of their phone numbers. The blonde one didn’t seem interested, so maybe the white haired one. I would be okay with either though!”

Intrigued by her comment, you decide to poke your head on stage and take a peek for yourself.

Admittedly, they are both very attractive, and both have the sharpest damn jawlines you’ve ever seen. She’s right to be excited about them. You might just be jealous if she gets to go home with one of them tonight.

Studying the man with white hair a little longer than the blond, you realize you recognize him as he turns his head towards the stage. Gojo. What a lucky coincidence – you smile to yourself in realization that the presence you’ve been feeling for the last half hour or so has been him and likely his friend. It’s not an uncommon presence here in Japan, as you’ve learned, but he’s still incredibly strong. Stronger than you remember.

Watching him with his friend, and seeing his smile, you feel the corner of your lips curl in response. You remember that smile. You’ve thought about it several times over the years. You also watch as his gaze follows and lingers on several of the dancers and waitresses, so maybe he’s a bit of a reg flag. But that doesn’t really concern you.

Since moving to Japan a few months ago, you wanted to immediately start your search for him, but since needing to work and feed, you didn’t exactly have a lot of spare time to go gallivanting around the city hoping to run into one person, so you decided to wait until you had enough saved to not need to work as much before starting your little manhunt.

As you’re peeking through the curtains, your eyes eventually meet. He gives a smirk, knowing you’re looking because of Chastity. You give a sly smile back and move behind the curtain waiting for your cue to go on stage, all the while still wondering what his eyes look like behind those hippie glasses. They look like the same ones he had on when you first met.

You take a deep breath, as you feel the familiar hunger in the pit of your stomach. The churning that inevitably comes back, only it’s more intense than before with the thought of some answers being so close. Maybe it’s because of Gojo and his friend.

Maybe after you get those answers you can feed from him, though it would be a shame to accidentally kill someone as pretty as him.

Maybe you could feed from his friend, or maybe both, together.

Quickly, you take another deep breath. Only a few more hours to go and then you can feed. Just need to stay focused at the task at hand so you don’t accidently give yourself away as the monster you secretly are.

“Everyone, please put your hands together for the ever lovely and talented, Infinity! The newest member to our team, she has been number one in our private dancer line up 7 weeks in a row. Just as her name suggests, she likes to have endless amounts of fun!”

With your introduction, you step onto the stage. Starting your routine, you sway your hips to the beat of the music blasting in the club. Smiling, you look down to Gojo who licks and bites his lower lip at the sight of you.

Then men gawk, stare, and a few cheer as you twirl and descend the pole, legs wrapped around it as you spin slowly down to the stage. You see both the blond and white-haired man watching intently as your back makes contact with the stage.

You flip over off your back into the splits and roll forward, laying on your stomach before lifting up and crawling to the end of the stage. You debate for a moment, to go to Gojo, but decide not to seem too eager to get their attention.

Dangling your feet off the stage, you rub your hand on the cheek of one of your regulars, a man who is quite rich and comes here, specifically to see you. He’s been a primary source of your tips for weeks now; using your powers on him to manipulate more money than he would normally give.

Touching his face, you allow some of your energy to flow into him, causing him to become a blubbering mess before you. You feel the eyes of the two handsome men you’re ignoring as you do this but hope there’s enough commotion and enough people blocking you, that they don’t really see what you just did. The man tips very generously as expected, which is what you were aiming for. You blow him a quick kiss and remove yourself from the stage, heading to the bar for a quick drink before working the floor for a while.

At the bar, you feel that familiar presence beside you, turning, you see Gojo standing next to you. Tall, so very, very tall. Just as you remember. He looks you up and down and smiles, “Hi, sweetheart,” then orders his drink, the sweetest cocktail the bar offers.

“Hi, handsome,” you purr, “what brings you out tonight?”

“It’s my friend’s birthday. Was hoping you had time to give him a dance.” He has a mischievous grin, pulling down his glasses giving you a wink.

Your throat goes dry as he exposes his azure eyes, surrounded by long white lashes. As he smiles, you see the corner of his eyes crinkle slightly. His eyes are playful and young. And so cocky. He knows how beautiful he is, and that just isn’t fair. He keeps the grin as he places his glasses over the bridge of his nose, and you continue to stare, wondering why he chooses to hide those beautiful blues from the world.

“Sure, anything for a birthday boy. Especially one as cute as him,” you finally manage to say, winking back and gaining your composure.

“Oh, you think he’s cute, huh?”

You say nothing as you walk away and approach the blonde sitting at his chair. You touch his shoulder and circle around him, he’s visibly uncomfortable and flinches slightly at your touch. It’s not a common reaction from the people who come here, but it does happen on occasion from those who are shy. Usually they loosen up by the end of the dance.

Sitting on the table across from him, you cross your legs as Gojo takes his seat. “I hear it’s someone’s birthday today.” You tease, shaking your shoulders which causes your tits to jiggle slightly.

A blush forms across his face. “I-I don’t know where you got that idea,” he stutters looking away.

“Nonsense, Nanami! She’s here to make your birthday better. Isn’t that right, sweetheart?”

You smile at Gojo and turn back to Nanami “Absolutely,” he shifts uncomfortably as you place a hand on his thigh.

Normally, you would use your little ability to calm the customer down, but you’re not sure if they saw what you did to your regular earlier. If they can even see what you did, it's best to play it safe and not do that now.

“This should cover it.” Gojo says, handing you a large wad of cash.

“This is way too much.” Your mouth hangs open as you look up to him, shocked by the amount of money he just casually passed to you. More than enough to cover rent and bills for the month and even next.

“You more than deserve it, after that spectacular performance,” he continues to watch you through his glasses while taking a sip of his cocktail.

Turning back to Nanami you clear your throat, “well, this is enough for a private dance for both of you and then some. So, what will it be, birthday boy?”

“Uhm… I’m good.” He says, taking a sip of his drink, looking away.

You scoff and roll your eyes at him, “oh, come on. It won’t be that bad!”

Both of them turn to you, surprised. Gojo grins and Nanami begrudgingly agrees.

“Okay, great.” You say, getting up as you see Chastity walk by, and grab her arm, motioning for her to dance with Gojo. She’s elated.

“My prices-” you hold up your hand cutting her off.

“I got it.” She’ll think this gesture is for you to help her get closer to him, she doesn’t have to know it’s because he paid you so much.

He smiles widely as he opens his legs for her to enter and she starts dancing, swaying her hips around him. You do the same with Nanami, though he’s more reluctant to get into it. You swing your hips, and dance around to the beat.

At the end of the dance, Nanami still looks uncomfortable. You tried, really tried, but he wasn’t having it.

Peeking over, you notice Gojo handing Chastity a stack of bills. She graciously accepts them before squealing and running to the back. You roll your eyes at the thought of how much money he’s throwing at the two of you tonight.

As icing on the cake, and because Gojo did pay so much, you decide to sit in Nanami’s lap. Not because you thought his reaction would be hilarious. That had nothing to do with this decision at all. As soon as your ass hits his crotch, his face is beat red. And as much as he’s pretending like your little dance didn’t affect him, you can clearly tell that’s a big lie. But you won’t say anything, he’s clearly already embarrassed enough.

You place an arm over his shoulder and around his neck for support as you drape your legs towards Gojo, letting your feet touch his knee. He doesn’t move or flinch away from your touch. In fact, he leans in a little closer.

“So, endless amounts of fun, huh?” Gojo says, eyeing you on Nanami’s lap, enjoying Nanami’s uncomfortable reaction. He’d enjoy it more if you were on his lap.

“Mhm. Unlimited, immeasurable, limitless fun,” you smile as you rub Nanami’s cheek. “But, Infinity works better as a name.”

“I’m very familiar with limitless.” He says cracking a perfect smile, his voice like honey as if he’s telling an inside joke, you’re not a part of.

“Oh? How so?”

“That’s a secret.”

You chuckle as you stand and walk over to the white-haired man you haven’t seen in seemingly forever. Bending down in front of him, he doesn’t move away, just continues to smirk as your noses line up, lips very close to one another. His sweet breath is intoxicating and he smells like bergamot, mixed with a little honey.

“Something tells me you’re full of secrets,” you wink back before shimmying away to the back of the club as he continues to watch the way your hips sway, without turning back to him.

That interaction with Gojo and Nanami has left you hungrier than you were before, so you head to the bathroom to splash some water on your face and take a moment to calm down.

Once you’re calm, you decide to change into a black flowy dress, thinking about where you can go and feed tonight. You’ve been hanging around a shady bar near the club for a few weeks, and it’s time to change things up a bit, to throw the scent off your trail.

Since Gojo did pay you so much, you’re able to leave early, so you poke your head out on stage again to see the two men leaving. Sighing, you decide to head out the back entrance and cross town to feed, before heading home.

“Hi, Infinity. You’ve been very naughty, haven’t you.” A gruff, annoyed voice greets you as you exit the club from the back-alley entrance.

You turn to look at the man, a regular, drunk, and waiting for you. “I don’t know who you’re looking for, but-,” he cuts you off, with a knife at your throat. “Oh.”

“Don’t play dumb with me, whore!” He grits his teeth, “I know you’ve been doing something to me, to get more money outta me!”

Clearly he’s a lot more perceptive to your touch than you gave him credit for. Maybe you did it one too many times on him.

Unfortunately, Gojo and Nanami are still close, and you’re unsure if they can sense your presence, like you can theirs. Best to continue to play it safe.

“I’m sorry honey. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” You say as sweetly as you can, but he’s not having it. He grabs your hair and pulls your head back, exposing your neck.

Lifting your left knee, you kick your foot back, hitting him in the crotch. He hunches over, so you elbow him in the face causing him to back away, holding his now bloody nose. You start to run out of the alley, towards where Gojo and Nanami seem to be.

“You bitch!” He screams, running after you, knife in hand. You turn to see how close he is as you round the corner, bumping into someone.

“Hey,” Gojo says as you turn around, the man comes around the corner with crazed eyes and tries to throw the knife at you, but it stops short and falls to the ground, despite the perfect aim he had.

“Excuse me. What’s going on?” Nanami asks, glaring at the man who threw the knife.

“This bitch is doing something to me! She’s drained me of almost all my money!” He spits pointing at you.

“Maybe she’s just good at her job.” Gojo says as Nanami gives him a discernible look. Gojo pulls you close, walking you out of the alley while Nanami stays behind.

“You okay?” Gojo asks, holding you by the chin and turning your face in various angles looking for any cuts or bruises. Satisfied, he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear, causing you to blush slightly.

“Um, yeah. Just surprised. I’ve had crazy customers before, but not like that.”

After a few minutes, Nanami is by your side out on the street. “He already had a bloody nose. Did you do that to him?”

“Yeah. When I came out, he held the knife to my throat, so I kicked him in the dick and elbowed him in the nose.” Gojo laughs quietly.

“That was reckless.” Nanami states.

“Where’d you learn to do that?” Gojo questions despite being impressed with your quick reaction.

“Well, I’m a woman, working a job where weird, creepy men come to see my half naked body. It’s in my best interest to know how to throw a punch.” They both think for a moment and nod in agreement.

“Well, Infinity. It’s nice to finally see your face.” Wow, such a gentleman.

“I hide my face while working to prevent the creeps from following me or talking to me in public. Most don’t recognize me without the masks on. Clearly some still do.”

“I’m Nanami Kento and this i-”

“Gojo, I know. I’m y-”

“y/n.” Gojo finishes with a smile, making you laugh at the awkward exchange. “I remember.”

You smile at him, surprised he remembers after so many years, because earlier you were sure he didn’t. Nanami looks at you both confused.

“Looks like you’re my knight in shining armor again. I’ll have to find a way to really thank you this time.”

“I’ll leave you two to catch up, then. I’ve had quite enough of this evening.” Nanami grumbles making you laugh.

“Uh, thank you, Nanami. I appreciate the help and sorry for making you uncomfortable earlier.”

“You were just doing your job. Also, leave him in the alley. The police will find him shortly. Gojo, if you need assistance, don’t hesitate to call.”

He nods and turns his attention back to you, “want me to walk you home?”

“I was actually thinking of going out tonight.”

“Mind if I join?”

With the club so dark inside, you couldn’t make out what he was wearing earlier, but you look him up and down now, shamelessly as he does the same to you. He’s in khaki pants with a white shirt and black blazer over it. And he looks good in it. You wonder if it’s tailored. With the money he was throwing around tonight, you wouldn’t be surprised.

“Why?” you narrow your eyes, confused.

He shrugs. “You were just attacked. Could probably use some company.”

You did just find who you came here for, waiting another night should be fine.

“Sure. I’m still new around here, and don’t really know where to go. Since I have a local with me now, why don’t you show me a good time?”

“A good time is always guaranteed with Gojo Satoru.” He grins back, motioning for you to hook your arm around his.

[winter-spark]

The Zafran Princes' Moms

Something I thought of a year ago but (accidentally) posted recently then hid from everyone was what if the Zafran Princes's moms had a part in how they turned out, not like flat out "Orange you should do whatever it takes to be King even if it means leading an attempted murder plot" but like in the sense that how they talked to, about and around them, as well as their overall presence in their lives sorta supported how they turned out. Here's my initial post (if this works) & below I shall share more thoughts on how I see their moms. (Which has sorta been sprinkled in some of my other posts tbh.)

Citron's Mom: 

To me, Citron's mom is a nice enough lady but, she didn't spend much time with him. (And that second part is canon really) Also. She definitely added to the pressure he felt to be the proper, scholarly, next in line. How & why are these things? Well for her absence, I wanted to say that I think she wasn't married to the King. But I double-checked and evidently, in Year 2, Act 8, they do call Citron's mom the King's fourth wife, in the English translation(is that fourth excluding the queen? Or is the king only married to three of his sons' moms?) But like I really feel like she didn't live in the castle tbh. Maybe they divorced? Idk I was so sure for a moment that they were dating at most and had a fling-turned-pregnancy at minimal. But I guess they were legitimately married.

Either way the point is, I felt she did not live in the castle but did visit Citron at times.(Though I guess she can still visit "at times" if she does live there) Not often but, you know, when she made time. And things she'd say in her visits? Apologizing for his background, encouraging him to study hard (so people won't hold him to said background), commenting on how much of a prince he is, the like. So even with her not being around much, she'd have a strong effect on Citron as these are things kids internalize. Especially with the world around him reinforcing this. But yea, I think she works a decent amount and as Citron got older she probably saw less of a need to visit as it's not like there's much she can do for him anyway. He's a prince. Do I think she's right for this? Of course not, but I think all their moms were flawed, so. Moving on!

Orange's Mom: 

This woman. Well she was around a lot more than Citron's mom that's for sure. Not hard but still it was notable I think. And she didn't like Citron I'm sure. I think she has a very, "oh hello :>" proper and elegant demeanor but she agrees with all the meanspirited comments so easily. Think in Loathing from Wicked when Galinda said "Well, these things are sent to try us~🎵"  that's her energy I think. Anywho, she's pretty much besties with Navel's mom, or at least they hang around each other a lot, and had a lot of her "not a commoner as ruler" convos with her right in front of Orange, I do think she was more against Citron, the son of a commoner, being next in line than she thought Orange should lead.

But she definitely took any comments that he should be first in line as personal compliments and thanked whoever said that to her accordingly. But in all honesty as I type this I'm not sure they had much of a dynamic, like she'd get him from the caretaker, walk him to and fro his room, have tea with him, Navel and Navel's mom, etc. But I can't actually imagine them talking much if at all. So I think Orange learned to be more in his head or at least fairly quiet and keeping his opinions mostly to himself through this. Like he's almost basically her display son. [But I do think he might've sorta could tell she was more against Citron than she wanted him to be next in line and thus felt a bit of the having to prove himself bit, but just a bit]

Navel's mom: 

She's much more talkative and expressive I think. Expressive as in where, Orange's mom might give an irritated smile, Navel's mom would frown, but not like super loud about them. Also expressive as in she's more likely to say what her opinion is. I think she would like Navel, her son, to be first in line, but she thinks Orange is a better fit, that he's more of a natural when it comes to being proper and prince-like and whatnot. So she'll list 'em both if/when saying "next in line should be…" but she doesn't really think Navel's quite right for the throne. She does somewhat steer him that way as I'm sure she's scolded him a lot for his "undesirable"[read: energetic/kid] traits and has probably compared him to Orange and possibly even Citron. Yea I think Navel is a character who's kept up in the prince competition to sorta prove himself but I think he definitely wanted to be different than Orange just not in a "be more like Orange he's right your wrong" way. Just a "they're different people" way. I think he does have slight "but is Orange really always right/best?" mentality because of his mom sorta pitting him against him but I do think Orange has always been nice to him and he does want to trust Orange's decisions because of that. And also he feels sorta like he has to but yea.

This started turning into being about Navel more than his mom. Whoops. Anyway, yea she also is out & about with him when he's younger, to and fro his room, from the caretaker, over tea. But she's more critical of him than Orange's mom is to Orange, but she also talks to him more so Idk.

Tangerine's Mom: 

Okay. So remember how I said being around more than Citron's mom wasn't hard? It's not, yet she somehow is around Tangerine less than Citron's mom with Citron. I'm still working out her angle a bit like I know she's still in the palace and Tangerine knows she's his mom. But they've definitely spent almost 0 time together I'm sure. I mean I look at Tangerine and it's so clear the closest thing he's had to a motherly figure is his dear older Citron who adores him very much. Other than that Tangerine's been pretty on his own. But like in my pirates au, Tangerine has something of his mother's so I'm really trying to figure her out here. Like, initially, I was thinking she just does not care, and maybe she doesn't. Like in part it feels like she wasn't a person who saw her baby and was like this is the biggest joy in my life, maybe she tried though. Like in the earliest years then went yea not for me. I don't know though. Like is she uninterested in having a kid in general or is she uninterested in Tangerine in general? Like did Tangerine mean nothing, it wasn't like he had any high standing? But then again she's not shown hide or hair now that he's first in line so it might be the kid thing. Either way it resulted in the most absentee mother any of them have.

And I know I kinda made them sound like bad people but like. Of course they're gonna have negative traits/actions that affected their sons, have you seen the Zafran princes?

(I'm not actually defending them, I'm just saying. )

Also while I'm here, shout out to Citron and Orange because I know they took good care of Tangerine and Navel to help certain needs be met that their own moms weren't fulfilling for them. Citron, being a constant presence in Tangerine's life that Tangerine can go to at differing times of the day and receive comfort from. Orange, taking Navel out of the public eye/palace to be outside and have room to breathe and be himself. (I know I didn't touch on these well in their paragraphs but yes this sums up what I was thinking.) And you see how that correlates to what Citron and Orange needed but didn't get?

And yea. I want to have thoughts on the Queen, but they haven't finalized yet. I initially thought maybe Tangerine was her favorite but again Tangerine feels like someone who spent a lot of time alone kind of because he had to so I just don't think it sits right. But that's still in the works, maybe later I'll have an actual discussion on the Queen. For now, I hope you enjoyed this headcanon share.

[detroitbydark]

Soul Lies Chapter 12

Chapter 12

Title: Tell Me That Your Soul Lies Now

Relationship: Sev/OC/Scorch

Rating: Teen

Characters: Jessa, Sev, Scorch, a smattering of commandos and nulls

Warnings: None

Summary: It's time to shine girl. The boys talk about The Rules.

Thank you all for your patience. as you know life happens and I'm so happy to get back to this story. Thank @fractiouskat​ for being an A+ cheerleader and thank you to @royalhandmaidens​ for the greatest banner ever!

What role should she play? Jessa wonders idly as she and her Mandalorian bodyguard move

 up through the queue to check in and receive her bidding number.  Wal’buir had discussed her options and the pros and cons each entailed. The first option had been the bubbly, dumb socialite, someone who wasn’t taken seriously and was easily looked over. The problem with that was that no one would take her seriously. In order to complete her given objective, she needed to be seen as a legitimate buyer and not a brainless waif playing with her Daddy’s money.

The second option had her channeling her own history, her mothers ability to look down her nose and her father’s ability to become the most important person in any room. Mix that with her recently acquired buir’s imperious, cool nature and she had a pretty good idea of the character she’d need to portray. 

As they reach the front of the loose line Jessa is halted by a sour looking young man. 

“Ma’am, we need to check for weapons.” The man in front of her towers, dressed in Imperial gray, he’s thin with birdlike features that give his face a tight, pinched look. He was put upon and not above letting the galaxy at large know his poor mood. He must have drawn the short straw. She couldn’t really blame him for the poor attitude he radiated. He was a soldier not a doorman. He probably hadn’t had the option of saying “no” and that had landed him babysitting elite for the evening.

“Do I look like someone who would carry a weapon?” Her arms cross loosely over her chest and her painted lips curl in disgust for good measure. The door man cringes before he can school his features.

 Yes, option two felt better.

The gray-clad imperial attendant makes little attempt to hide the contempt in his eyes. He persists.

“House rules. I’m sure you understand.”  Technically she did, but she also didn’t care. The thought of throwing out a “do you know who I am?” does cross her mind, but it feels like that’s a card she can only play once and get away with it. It would be a shame to waste it on someone that didn’t  matter.

“Fine.” she huffs, making no move to hide her disdain.  The Imp moves cautiously to kneel in front of her. He eyes her like a hungry nexu eyes a mouse. It’s a strange feeling. The attendant's hand wrapping around her ankle jolts her violently from any thoughts she’d have further on it.  She kicks out and the man's grip tightens.

“No pat down. No entry.”  The grin he’s trying to smother makes her feel like the power’s shifted and her heart rate changes in compliance, beating faster in her chest. 

Luckily for Jessa, a Mandalorian bodyguard came with certain perks. The first, Jessa notes is the sudden and immediate halt of the man’s hands as he looks up and- Jessa doesn’t need to look over her shoulder, she can feel Mereel there at her back. She looks anyway. Intimidating is not a strong enough word to describe a clone commando in full Mandalorian beskar’gam. The t-visor lends a certain menace to the already imposing figure Mereel cuts. 

“The lady doesn’t need a pat down.”

“I-”

“You were just finishing up.”

“Yeah. Fine. What about you then?” The man's gaze lingers as he draws back up to his full spindly height. Jessa’s reminded of a toothpick and she doesn’t attempt to stifle the smile that crosses her face. The imp’s eyes narrow but Mereel is inserting himself between the two. 

“I’m Mandalorian. I have weapons to check. Obviously.”

—---------------------

“Well that was delightful.”  Mereel grumbles as they enter into the makeshift ballroom set up for the auction. A  twi’lek waiter passes, and he reaches out and snags a flute of something bubbly from his tray.  At her side again, he presses the stem into Jessa’s hand.

“Take a drink and relax.”

Jessa bristles as a string quartet situated off in the corner tunes up. His words feel accusing and it brings up her hackles. 

“I’m fine.” She asserts, taking an absent-minded sip. The bubbles tickle at her nose as the dry drink slips down her throat. She preferred it sweet. She takes another swallow.

“Relax.”

“Don’t tell me to relax.” She can hear the amusement lacing his voice.

“Would you rather I make that an order?”

She pointedly ignores him. The room is large with a low-slung stage at the front. They’ve done an excellent job making it feel like something other than what it is. Jessa can’t even begin to imagine why a military outpost required a crystal chandelier or red velvet panels padding the walls. 

Tiny enclaves of participants to the festivities have gathered in various circles about the room. Jessa studies, remembering what she’d been told. While Kal had seen this as a snatch-and-grab rescue mission, Walon had been very clear that there was more to be accomplished on top of the mission at hand. Who were the Imperials in bed with? How did their networks function? Little details she could bring back could be invaluable in deciphering it all and, in the larger scheme of things, keep them all safe. 

The Mandalore system was rapidly approaching a tipping point- years of neutrality could not save them from the pressures the new Galactic regime was beginning to exert. Fenn Shysa was a good Mand’alor but years of the Kryze sisters infighting had created a rift that wasn’t soon healed. Mandalore would either crack or it would become something far more resilient, far stronger then it had ever been,  but it would not happen without work. That work began with intelligence.

The Pyke contingent is easy to pick out, standing in a semicircle speaking quietly amongst themselves. Their fish-like features were distinct and they could be mistaken for nothing else. In a sea of human participants they stood out like a sore thumb. Spice lords and drug runners, Jessa was sure their sights would be set on the half dozen decommissioned Imperial ships set to hit the auction block. While she was wary, the Pyke’s were not an immediate concern.

Jessa notes their orientation and the way their tiny almond-like eyes focus across the room. A pair of human guests, a man and a young woman, converse quietly. The woman has an arm wrapped around his forearm as he guides her toward the front of the room. She can’t place them on the side profile alone. As if drawn by her gaze the man’s head turns and Jessa recognizes him from one of her Buir’s holos. Dryden Vos of Crimson Dawn. 

“Some heavy hitters here tonight.” Mereel’s voice catches up with her thoughts. Jessa hums quietly.

“There’s no shame in saying you can’t do this.”

Jessa takes a slow drink from her fluted glass.  "If I didn’t know better, I’d say you had a wager out that I couldn’t do this,” she offers dryly. “There’s all the shame and you know it. Stop worrying about me and let’s do this.”

Mereel says nothing else, be it from a place of self preservation or another conversation in his comms she’s not privy to. Jessa doesn’t care. She’s set in this course and there’s no other option but to see it through to the end. 

The string quartet finishes their warmup and begins playing soft classical music. She recognizes it as something distinctly inner rim- Chandrillan. They may be in the system, but nothing about tonight was for Mandalorians. To her side a group begins to form, looking distinctly less crime syndicate and far more too-much-money-for-their-own-good. It’s what she’s been waiting for.

“Miss, may I?” A passing waiter gestures to her mostly empty glass. Jessa hands it over, fighting the urge to not wastefully abandon the last mouthful. In return he hands her a fresh one. She gives a small nod of thanks before casually making her way to the new group.

Don’t stand out. That’s what Wal’buir had said. These people offered the best option to remain unmemorable, as, outside of inflated bank accounts, they were entirely unremarkable themselves. Rich human men and their far-younger trophies; an ancient beady-eyed heiress; the exact people she’d been brought up to be one of.

That time seemed so long ago. She was a different person now, but she remembered. Skirata and Walon had counted on the fact and she was loath to disappoint her new-found aliit.

She doesn’t need to look to see Mereel taking up position a few feet behind her. He knew his job better than she knew hers. She trusted him with that. He may be playing the dutiful bodyguard, but she knew he and Scorch had words about it days ago- the same way she knew she was safe as long as she followed the plan.

“Lovely evening, isn’t it?” A man who seemed to be a round, amalgamous shape in a suit asks in greeting. On his arm his wife shifts, her eyes scanning the crowd with a boredom that Jessa can relate to.

“It really is. They’ve set the tone for such an interesting event. I’m thoroughly impressed.”

“Right.” He glances behind her and then makes a point of looking about her, “Are you here on your own then?”

Jessa bristles, “My father trusts my judgment.” That was true, her Buir had said as much. 

“And who is your father?” 

She’s honestly been waiting for this since they’d landed. Both Jessa and Walon had pored over the gossip sheets, him begrudgingly and her like she had when she’d been young. They’d found the Chandrillan family, heirs to a munitions fortune, in short work. Elderly patriarch that rarely left home and erstwhile daughter who was just as elusive. Unphotographed since childhood due to an unfortunate spice habit that had her family covertly shipping her off to rehab facilities on the regular, she’d been a perfect cover.

‘The Count of Wester.’

The man of shapes nods his head. Jessa offers him a droll smile as she glances over her shoulder.

“I’m hoping to find something special for my security. Mandalorians are well and good but,” she lowers her voice conspiratorially. “As I’m sure you know, they’re only loyal to money.”

A hearty chuckle wheezes from the man, “I’m sure money is no issue to your Father.”

“Agreed but I don’t feel like being extorted for my own safety by unscrupulous business practices.” She ignores the grumble from Mereel behind her, leaving her feeling quite pleased with herself indeed.

“Clever girl.”

“Very. Thank you.”

———————

They went dark before they hit atmo, emergency lighting casting a dim glow about the bay. The Duke slides smoothly through space with Kom’rk at the controls. Sev stares ahead, eyes locked on a small red safety light. At his side Scorch fidgets. He’s been doing it since they left the airfield. It’s a genuine surprise he hasn’t been asked what was eating him yet. Maybe he was learning some patience. Maybe he should just assume Sev knew-

‘I screwed the bantha with this one.’

Atin doesn’t seem to notice the statement, but he’s become an expert at ignoring anything without a Skirata last name. Corr, though, allows his eyes to twitch to them. Scorch ignores it, focusing on his brother's lowly grumbled statement.

“Whadda ya mean?” Scorch feels itchy about the whole thing.

“Nevermind. Changed my mind. It’s fine.” Sev mutters gruffly, his head rocking back to find a new point of focus on the ceiling. Scorch has whiplash from the sudden change of tune.

“That’s great. Not my question.”

The Duke rattles quietly as they transition from the black of space further into the moon's atmosphere. They’d lay low, out of range of the outposts scanners until absolutely necessary. Scorch uses his boots to hold tight the bag of detonators between them as they threaten to vibrate away.

“Sev?”

“I didn’t-“ a rough burst of air is forced through his lips, “I didn’t say why.”

“You didn’t…” Scorch lets the answer swirl in the air between them until, ‘You didn’t tell her why we were giving them.”

“Nope.”

Scorch slumps into the jump seat. Fek. That wasn’t ideal.

“Sev’s telling who what?” Corr asks with all the tact of exuberant massiff pup. Great. That was just what they needed. Rule 10 had been created for a reason. Keep Kal out of it. As much as Scorch found common ground with the former demolitions expert he also knew right where he’d run when they hit the tarmac. There was nothing Kal Skirata loved more than being in the know. Strike that, there was nothing Kal Skirata loved more than sticking his nose in business that didn’t concern him. Their (hopeful) relationship with Jessa was not something that needed the Skirata touch. He wasn’t even sure it was going to survive their touch.

“Nothing that concerns you.”

“But-“

“I gave Laseema the ugliest Lekku harness known to man for a courting gift.” Atin husks out a laugh. Scorch catches a small grin and a shake of the other commando's head. “She wore it too. Didn’t have the heart to tell me it was too small and the dye stained her skin.” There’s a fond look in place as he stares into the middle distance in front of him. “You can’t do much worse than that.”

“Can if she doesn’t know they were courting gifts.” Scorch zips his lips when Sev speaks. If he knew his brother- which he did- he was already feeling the sour twist of failure in his gut. There wasn’t much to say to change that.

Atin waves him off, “she’ll figure it out and you’ll be chasing around tiny psychopaths in no time.”

It’s a struggle to ignore Corr obviously storing the intel away but no more so than trying to pretend he couldn’t picture Jessa with ikaad of her own. That was an image he needed to be shove haphazardly into a box and pretend didn’t exist.

He catches Sev’s eye. His face is impassable. He makes a note to throw some dets in that particular mental box. 

—————

“Who are you?” 

Jessa raises a perfectly arched brow at the heavily modulated voice. Mereel towers over her right shoulder, her imposing bodyguard/handler.

“Not sure what that’s supposed to mean.” She takes a lingering sip of sparkling wine. Small talk with the wife of an Imperial connected merchant had been enlightening. Seems there was a lot of interest in a retired beskar mine in Sundari. 

“You’re a natural.”

His tone lets her know it’s not necessarily a compliment. She doesn’t offer acknowledgement. If he wanted to pay backhanded compliments she’d pay them back with silence.

You know your worth. Wal’buirs voice echoes in her head.

She gazes past the small crowds of people and the rows of red velvet chairs to the stage at the front of the room. People are beginning to congregate as holobooks are passed out, presumably lots and their corresponding numbers. The room she’d been auctioned off in had lacked the opulence of the one she now stood in. The thought comes to her, intrusive and unwanted. She’d been to one other auction in her life- but she’d been the merchandise. 

She finishes the wine in her hand, setting the glass on a table as she makes her way to the front of the room. She hears a soft huff through Mereel’s vocoder. To everyone watching, he worked for her and she was not about to ask his permission for anything, lest that carefully cultivated ruse be damaged. 

A matte gunmetal droid begins handing out holobooks to the gathered crowds. Jessa takes a proffered tablet as a curtain to the left of the stage is pulled back. A disembodied voice smoothly announces the beginning of the preview. According to the holobook the auction would begin twenty minutes after the preview. She skims the contents. Rules. Schedule. Payment options. All seemingly above the board.

“I want to see if my money is well spent here.” She announces to the armored Mando behind her. She’s prim and haughty. “I assume you’ll be able to comment on the quality?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

She smiles to herself, dipping her chin to hide her amusement at the Null’s tight response. Scorch would enjoy watching her acting. She’s sure of it. But now is not the time to let the thought of him warm her heart. She spots the rows of merchandise lined up and steals herself. They still had work to do.

She strolls, languid as a cat, toward the gathering crowds. She keeps her features neutral and passive, looking nothing more than the slightly bored debutante she’d assigned herself to play.

The first cluster of auction-goers has set up shop around various displays of weaponry. Heavy guns, smaller blasters, thermal detonators. Her boys would be in heaven. Her fingers graze the durasteel lid of a munitions crate as she moves toward more desirable merchandise.

“Could do a lot of damage with those.” Mereel’s reassuring presence is close. She can feel the bulk of him at her back.

“Looking to do a little shopping of your own?”

“If the situation presents itself.”

She smiles despite herself. 

It disappears quickly as it appears. The mission objective- objectives loom ahead. A row of men stand at parade rest. Clones. Five In total, identical as physically possible though small differences in build and stature are noticeable even with them at rest.

‘Different classes” Mereel offers quietly as if he can see the question on her face. “Two standard spec troopers. Next two- probably pilot class. Last one is a commando.”

“Anyone you know?” She glances at him and catches a shrug.

“They’re keeping them more in regs. GAR frowned on individuality but most generals didn’t bother to enforce regulations. Our glorious new Empire seems to feel differently.”

Jessa steps closer, stopping in front of the first captive in-line. He stares ahead with eyes familiar but dead. They don’t twitch to her as she takes in his appearance. He looks average in every way. Confusion and some other unnamed emotion flit at the edge of her consciousness. They were told there’d be more commandos . Maybe they were tucked away with the others in reserve? She takes a step further down the line, past the second trooper and to what Mereel had claimed were the pilots. She pays little attention, flipping through the holopad to find the list of goods. 

“Skid, Cap, Kivo, Rev, Merri…” the pilot she’s come to a stop in front of is mumbling to himself in a rapid, quaking voice. He’s worse for wear, obviously in poorer condition than the others around him. He’s thin and the high and tight haircut they all sported only accentuates  his stark cheekbones and the dip at his silvered temples. 

“Poor kid.” Mereel sighs, now at her side.

“What’s wrong with him?” 

The pilot continues his rapid nonsensical mumbling.

“Look at his eyes. All their eyes.” He tips his helmet down the line. “They drugged them like fathiers.” Disgust laces his words. Jessa feels the sick pull of it bubbling in her own stomach.

“It wasn’t good enough to put restraining collars on. They gave them all tranqs too.”

The holopad offers a small blurb on each item for auction. Each of these men’s lives broken down into a line or two touting their usefulness, “what does this mean?”

She points at the number following each description. The broken pilot has an 0458 behind his. Mereel takes the pad, his hands dwarfing it as he scrolls.

“Son of a bitch…”

“What?”

“It’s his serial number. All of their serial numbers.”

Jessa scans the list and the seemingly nonsense numbers. One sticks out. Wal’buir had scolded Sev and Scorch days before, using their numbers like other parents would use the middle name of a contrary child.

If Four-Oh were here we wouldn’t have this issue.

Scorch’s expression had soured at the mention and her brows had furrowed in confusion. Wal’buir had noted and seemed to take pleasure in repeating what had made the demolitions expert so uncomfortable. 

Eleven Forty, one of their lost brothers.

The second glass of champagne threatens to make a reappearance as her eyes travel to the last man in line. 

One of two lost brothers.

1140

Fixer.

——————-

‘Clear!’ Scorch’s crisp voice rings through the comms of the three commandos at his back. The adrenaline from the fast rope still pumped gleefully through his veins as the exterior door gives an electric pop as the bright flash of micro dets flare to life. The four commandos ready for entry as the faint lights of the Duke above, disappear from sight. They were on their own til rendezvous.

Sev and Corr slide past him as he gathers his supplies back into his kit. Atin covers his shebs, blasters at the ready.

It’s a clean breach. Buir would approve, he thinks in passing, swinging his pack back on and moving into the wide hallway. The muzzle fire of a blaster rings out with comforting familiarity. One down. 

The gray clad Imp lays at Corr’s feet as the commando crouches down and does a cursory check of his pockets. He palms a keycard. Sev holds steady behind him. 

With only the soft clatter of his beskar’gam, the former commando rises and gives Sev a nod. A rumbling, ‘move out’ echoes through their comms. 

A few long strides eat up the distance between them, Scorch slotting in behind him as they stalk down their predetermined route.

“May as well head back to the yaim, Scorch’ika. I’ve got the golden ticket.” Scorch can imagine the smug smile on the younger clone's face as he holds the keycard between gloved fingers. 

“Yeah, if you want to do it the boring way. I thought you knew better?” They fan out from their hallway to the open T of the next, Sev and Atin sweeping right while he and Corr clear the left.

“The boring way means I don’t risk these fancy new hands.”

Scorch guffaws. “The loss of your sense of adventure concerns and saddens me.”

Atin chuckles.

“You can’t hold it against me that I like to feel my own-“ the banter is cut short as a door a foot in front of Corr slides open with a shink. White plastoid invades the passage.

Sev’s large frame is already prepared. His arm raises and the butt of his blaster. comes down across the front first troopers helmet with enough force to crack the plastoid. As they crumble, Sev steps into the other's space, his beskar clad arm snaps up and makes contact between the edge of the unfortunate sentient's helmet and neck.

Scorch flinches at the clatter of armor as the second trooper slides down the corridor wall.

“Gonna ruin the surprise, vod.”

Sev’s buyce turns toward him.  “Sorry”. His voice is as flat as the expression Scorch knows he wears underneath.

Moving forward, Scorch takes a knee with his vod’e safely covering him. The first trooper has a fracture running up the length of his helmet. Katarn would never. He loved his beskar’gam, it made him feel like he was part of something greater. His katarn had done the same once and he’d grieve (just a little) the loss of that part of his life. 

Without his usual flair, he pulls the useless helmet off.  The trooper is out cold. Scorch takes in his appearance. Pale skin. A smattering of freckles over the bridge of their nose. Light brown hair.

He moves on to the next, unceremoniously yanking the helmet from the storm troopers head. He finds skin shades lighter than his own, thin blonde hair and a smattering of matching stubble along their jaw.

He lets the ruined helmet fall with a clatter next to the trooper. Rising to his full height he aims his blaster and places two bolts center mass before giving the first trooper a matching set.

Corr stares at the two lifeless stormtroopers, ‘what was that about?’’

‘Needed to make sure I wasn’t sending vod’e’ marching’ Scorch explains. Another set of plastoid rounds the corner and Sev answers the clatter of cheap armor with two quickly placed bolts dead center.

“Rule 17 is in effect now.”

“About that,” Corrs voice asks through their comms. “What’s rule number one?”

Atin, Sev, and Scorch answer in unison, “Eat your vegetables.”

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[regular-lord-reckoner]

hello.

just wanted to pop in for a minute because i said i would and then i didn't, so...here i am finally.

not much is really new, i guess, nothing all that good anyway.

i guess the one bit of good news is our "neighbors" R and C finally moved their camper back to where it was before this arrangement which is still in the same city just on an actual campground. That was at the beginning of this month so that's been nice.

again, nothing against them personally really, it's just...they were always right there, y'know?

especially it seemed every time i'd be at my wit's end for one reason or another and all i'm trying to do is get a package off the porch or let the dog out and then here's one of them just pulling up or C especially would get home from work and just...be in the yard until the sun went down.

and i'd have to just force a smile and act like i'm not completely losing my shit when all i wanted was just to go back inside so that was kinda rough, but it's over now so yay.

i won't complain too much because i know i did a lot of that before and i really don't mean to be so hard on them or on anyone, but it did feel at times like things just sort of crossed the line at least in my mind, but I feel like I can get over it easier now that they're not right there.

although I'm not as sure about R. I don't really know fully what's going on with her, but she's really made herself unpopular at work by the sounds of it and from what i gather it's because she's being rude to the patients and her coworkers.

like, i've heard several times now where something happened that's actually something she did wrong, but rather than just own the mistake and try to fix it she just...argues with whoever pointed it out to her until she gets all upset and goes crying into one of the managers offices and i dunno if it's because she's still trying to get them to just fire her or what, but like....they're not gonna, they don't want to pay her unemployment.

and i still stand by, hey, if that's the route you want to go about this, at least do it in a way that doesn't take out your shit on other people, especially ones who don't deserve it.

and what's really pissed me off is she actually checked in another family friend of ours who really wasn't feeling well (and even had to tell R that to try to get her to back off), but i guess she didn't recognize her even though they've met and for whatever reason she gave this friend that hardest fucking time for no goddamn reason.

like gaslighting her about what time she actually got there for her appointment and was telling her she wouldn't be seen even though she really wasn't even that late and then she even started being rude to one of the other patients standing there waiting and that friend had to come to their defense and it just makes me wonder like...how many other patients is this happening with?

again, just...hate it that you're unhappy here, genuinely sorry this job is giving you such a tough time, but i'm really just at a loss here because i've offered to help train her further, i've given her the names of people who could help further train her, i've given her some pointers and tips and i've also emphasized just how important it is for that job to be done correctly (especially as it affects my mom's schedule) and yet she still just shows up every day, half-asses it without accepting any help from anyone even when they offer, gets pissed off at everyone including the patients and then dips early to leave the other front desk person to be the last one out every day.

okay!!! i guess!!!

and it's also made me mad because she has talked some to that other front desk lady who's of course relayed this to my mom, but like...apparently R's version of events is that she's just go unhappy living down here and was happier where they were before and it's so sad because they did us this huge favor by coming down here to help take care of my dad and she just doesn't know what's happened now and blah blah blah, but by the sounds of it i guess this situation was really helpful to them financially which is great, but like............that was never the deal!!!

it also just kills me like, wait a minute......you guys VOLUNTEERED to help with my dad. we did not ask you. in fact, he wasn't really the biggest fan of the idea, nor was i. my mom wanted the help, though, so she agreed, but even she made it clear that they didn't have to do that because even she was on the fence about doing something that big.

we also had to work it out with the county and everything and they had told us we could only do it for six months but it ended up being 10 and no one ever came out and said anything or told us to stop, but that alone right there was like....hey, we can't guarantee anything, they may come out here the day the six months is up and tell you guys to pack it up, we have no clue, but point is....this was never an indefinite arrangement.

we said we'd play it by ear and see how it goes and i guess my mom really want to give C plenty of time to do whatever projects he was going to do, but this was never, ever once mentioned about being a mutually beneficial thing of like, "hey, we give you some help with your situation and you help us with ours!!" they acted like this was purely out of the goodness of their hearts and all for our benefit and then it's like....you guys come out here and don't do the stuff we wanted, do a bunch of stuff we didn't actually want and then R goes to work and actively fucks up my mom's day so bad almost every goddamn day that she doesn't get lunch (and i've told her that's what happens so she can't pretend like she has no clue!!!) and yet somehow......you guys were doing us a favor????

you didn't get out here until like....what, a few days before he died and helped me all of one day with him??

also, not for nothing but like...of this ten months my mom never charged them any rent and only after six months did she ask for some utilities and even then she would low ball it or not even ask for it if C had done a lot of stuff around the place for us and i even let R use my car for a while even though there were two perfectly good other vehicles sitting there that nobody was using she could have used instead but for some reason it just had to be my car.

she even bragged to that same front desk lady before that they were getting caught up on all their bills and saving up all this money and everything so like....by no means is them moving out us like...tossing them out with nothing and yet by the way R's making it out to sound we (or i guess more specifically my mom) are doing them an unkindness somehow and i just can't wrap my head around that.

even when we had the discussion about them moving, it was actually C who brought it up to my mom, so we didn't even come down on them like, "get the fuck out of here already!!!" and even when they discussed it she didn't bring up any of the negative shit, she just put it like y'know, it's been about a year and we think we're ready to try this on our own for now but even in saying that she let them know they had plenty of time to figure out what they were going to do and it ended up taking a month longer than what they told us initially, but we were totally cool about it, didn't even ask, "hey, what's the hold up?" or anything, just rolled with the flow and yet i guess no matter what you do for some people it'll just never be enough.

and again, clearly if she's going through something i hate that for her, but like...don't take that out on us. or anyone for that matter. i know she had a little health concern there for a minute, but everything's good now so i hope maybe that'll bring her some peace and hopefully she can either find a new job that makes her happier or maybe they'll end up moving back to where she was happier or just...something.

i really didn't want things to be ugly like this and i'm sure there's probably something more we could have done on our part, but at the same time it's also kinda like....y'know, we really needed that time, especially right after my dad died, to just be able to breathe and focus on our own healing and it really ended up being more about helping them and doing stuff for them and around them than anything so that....kinda sucks!!!

oh, and one last thing before i ramble on some more and then disappear like homer back into the bushes, but as they were leaving C told me at some point he'd come back and that i ought to get out my dad's gun so he could teach me how to shoot it now that they'll be leaving and, i dunno, maybe i'm wrong for feeling this way because i'm sure his heart was in the right place but like.......bud, i don't do guns. i think we all know this about me at this point. for good reason.

secondly, uh......just because there's not gonna be a man around here anymore doesn't mean we're helpless sitting ducks. i'm not saying i would definitely win in some kind of altercation should someone try to attack me at home or whatever, but i dunno, man.

my thing of it is, if someone is going to get me it's probably going to be in a scenario where i'm not even close to the gun anyway, y'know? that fucker's staying inside and locked up, if i'm under attack i'm either using whatever i have around me as a weapon and/or i'm unleashing all the rage i have bottled up inside of me and hoping for the best.

literally the other day i thought, "hmm, what if someone came at me while i was in the pool, what would i do?" and i'd probably try to get on the deck, grab one of the chairs on there and use it as sort of a shield/battering ram and even if the person takes it from me that'll at least give me a few seconds to run or do something else.

i've also got pool chemicals down there so like...how's some pool shock in your eyes for ya? how about some algaecide! you want some chloride tablet dust hands all over your face? you got it!! how about i whack you real good with this skimmer pole? and if possible....push the attacker in the pool and make a run for it!! there's so many options and i have too much time to think about stuff like that, so like...i'll either be fine or it's my time then it's my time, either way uh....i think i'm good, thanks.

i dunno, that kinda irked me, but whatever. it's over and that's the important part. i hope maybe we can all still be friends but i guess we'll see how things go as time goes on. i'm kind of at a point now where i sort of just expect relationships to fall apart and i just don't really give a damn anymore.

in other news, i fucked up !!!

so, i've been doing this thing for a while now with my work from home stuff where like...i'm not always necessarily working for all the time i'm actually clocked in because i end up doing other stuff around the house or sometimes a break just gets away from me or i'll even go to appointments and stuff, but!!!!

one of my managers had told me that was okay because i always got my work done and for the most part i did!!

i frequently would stay up until midnight and work on the weekends off the clock to make up for the time and thought it was all evening out and it was all good, but apparently!!!!! it was not!!!!!!

and so one day i just kinda get slammed with this information and then had to have a phone call with the manager that makes me cry about this because it's apparently a big no-no to do things that way for one thing but for another i guess here lately i haven't been making up the time like i thought, especially with me working 50 hours a week, so!!!

fortunately i didn't get fired, some fucking how.

she said if someone else besides her had caught it i would have been immediately terminated (so hey, R, i guess i found a way to get instantly fired after all, lol, just do that!!) but instead i'm just no longer allowed to get any overtime, i can't work off the clock anymore and i'm definitely being monitored so i have to be really careful now whenever i get up to use the bathroom or take the dog out or wash some dishes or whatever that i'm not away from my computer for too long so now instead of getting distracted by chores for however long that takes i do one thing, run to my computer and do some work and then do another little thing and then back to my computer, etc.

but, hey, i'll take it since they're letting me stay which i really appreciate. i really honest to god thought i was making up for the time and didn't think it was a problem, but i guess the manager that told me it was okay didn't realize, i guess and on my end i just got sloppy with it so i apologized profusely and now i'm just dealing with the consequences.

i did manage to not cry, though. the only time i got a little choked up was when the manager i was speaking with was even at one point like, "honey, i'm surprised you're not burnt out..." because she said she could see where i was up until midnight or even later just working and the fact that she could tell i was but no one else really has was just kinda like, ha, wow.

but yeah. i'm also not sure now if i'll even get a raise this year, which it's usually only a few cents anyway so it's not like, "no, my big raise!!" but still. that few cents helps and especially now that i'm not getting that good overtime money i am....feeling it, mr krabs.

i was finally getting to a point after being set back a few thousand dollars on top of still being in my own debt where i felt like i could finally start to breathe again and was even putting some in savings but that's all gone out the window now and i'm having to be even more careful than i already was with my spending, but this one's my own damn fault so i can't really be too upset about it.

i've instead just hopped back on the job search train to hopefully see about getting a second job that i can work around this first one. if i find something that could replace this one then even better probably but i'll just have to see, it's been a slow process so far because i am indeed quite burnt out, but we're trying. i'm even willing to do something that'll have me in person somewhere since i've got a flo mask now and can breathe a little easier while still staying safe in public settings so i could probably handle something like that with better peace of mind now.

hopefully i find something soon, but if not i'll figure it out.

sucks, though too because i started something with my gyn back when i was making that better money that i'm now getting bills for and we're still not done so...yippee (i think i can set up a payment plan, though and even if it takes me years i'll pay it all off).

basically when i finally had that goddamn appointment i was losing my mind over i had my checkup and everything went good there, but i also brought up the fact that i.want.an.ablation.

and i thought my np was going to be receptive to it, but when i actually got there i kind of felt like i strated getting the run around a little.

the first thing she said to me was, "well, with your weight..." and i pretty much mentally blacked out after that because a million thoughts (many of them from my disordered eating past) started swirling and all i could think about was "lose the weight, lose the weight now, oh my god, you've fucked this up for yourself, you fucking idiot" so i didn't really get the whole gist of what she was saying about that, but i did also think it was kind of weird because my mom was bigger than i am when she had hers done and it wasn't an issue so like ???

she also mentioned something about potential bleeding or whatever, but again i could barely focus at that point and whatever she was saying, it wasn't a complete no either so we went ahead with the exam and made a plan (she also asked me about my dad at one point, like "how's your dad doing?" and i had to break the news to her while i was sitting there like...basically naked and about to get my pap smeared. so that was neat. she was nice about it though and i do like this np because she at least went to get a mask when she saw mine so i'll give her that).

when she was doing my exam she said my uterus seemed like it was sitting a little low which could indicate it might be heavy for some reason and i know this is terrible but i was praying to every force in the universe that that bitch was full of fibroids like my mom's or just...something that would render me getting this procedure done or having the whole thing taken out, something.

she wanted me to have another period and then come in for a transvaginal ultrasound so we could see what that was about and granted she did give me some medicine to take that would help make my periods less intense (because that's the other reason i want this, i do not want to have any more fucking periods, especially with how heavy mine are!!!!) but it's these two big honking ass pills i gotta take three times a day while i'm on my period but it's only for five days and mine area usually seven (plus it's like $50 and part of the idea is also like....i'm tired of spending money on period products, why the fuck would i want to spend $50 a month on this medicine AND still have to buy period products??) and yeah, they seem to help some without counteracting the medicine i need to actually be able to walk and all that shit (although the jury's still undecided about that one because it's hard to tell if i'm just regular old exhausted or if it's those pills but i did seem to have a harder time getting around and was overall a lot weaker on them so...who knows) but i just don't know if it's a long-term solution for me.

in any case, i did a round of that and had my ultrasound and the only thing it showed was a spot that could potentially be a polyp but it could also be blood or something else, so she wanted me to have another period on those pills (which i have now) and i go in next week for another ultrasound to see if it's cleared up or still there and if we can see it any clearer if it is.

and if it is still there they may go in and go in to clear it out and that might give me some period relief as well or i dunno, whatever the case calls for i guess, but apparently as soon as i have that ultrasound done i finally get to meet with one of the doctors that does the surgery to plead my case, i guess, so fingers fucking crossed.

i've prepared myself to hear bad news, so i guess at this point if i don't get it i'll at least be saving some money, so i'll look at this that way and i guess if i just tough it out for a while longer i'lll probably be in menopause before i know it so i'll just suck it up if that's what it comes down to, but i'm open to trying some other options first, i just know a lot of traditional birth control fucks with my medication and i just....can't do that but that'll be for me to sort out and i will, whatever the answer ends up being.

oh, and i did try to clarify with her what the cautions were again at that second appointment when i had a clearer head and she didn't mention my weight again, but did say something about the bleeding and i guess it's something about how especially in younger patients they're starting to see internal bleeding around menopause or something and it's hard to tell if it's from the ablation or something else or what, but again i even ran that by mom who's a nurse and she was like, "mmmm, okay" so it really feels like they're just gonna hit me with every excuse they can think of to deter me, but i expected that so i'm not really shocked, just kind of annoyed.

it really does just piss me off to no end that like...i, someone who's almost 34 goddamn years old, can't just be like, "hey, hate this shit and i want it to stop, plus getting pregnant is not something i have any interest in doing whatsoever and i'm pretty sure i physically couldn't do it anyway, please let me make this perfectly rational decision for my body that would help with both of these things without running the risk of making my disability harder to deal with or drastically fucking up my hormones, please," and it be like, "okay, sure thing," and we just do the damn procedure.

but hey, at this point, if by some miracle i'm able to get one i'll shut the fuck up because i realize at this point even being able to still have access to any kind of birth control (whether it would work for me or not) is a blessing so i'll just take whatever answer i get and try to make the best of it.

so that's that saga for now, i'll keep you posted, i guess. and speaking of appointments and health stuff....now on to my therapy. yay.

i decided i wanted to cancel my appointment that was supposed to be this most recent thursday because for one thing i didn't really feel up to it and for another i was tighter on money this week so rather than owe her more than what i already do (which i'm paying her back, too, just like with everything else it's slow going) but anyway, i emailed her on monday and didn't hear anything back.

i know i've mentioned to her several times that i don't have good cell service at my house and she knows i work from home and never go anywhere except the grocery store, plus i know she's said that she responds to texts faster, but like...by no means had she ever said she doesn't respond to emails at all and i know we've emailed in the past so like...okay.

it gets to be wednesday in the afternoon past lunch time and still no response so i just say fuck it and clock out from work, get in my car and drive out to where there's cell service and sent her a text letting her know i needed to cancel my appointment and maybe this is my fuck up, but i did also mention that i had sent an email and i was having to clock out and drive out just to send a text and i wasn't really sure how to reschedule since this seemed like the only means of communication now.

i waited a few minutes but didn't think she'd get back to me right away anyway, plus i needed to get back to work so i went ahead and drove home, but she never did email me back and instead a few days later (because of the bad cell service i keep mentioning) i finally got her response through text and it just said "gotcha" and another that said "you can leave a voicemail at this number" and i dunno, i'm probably overreacting but that just felt...kinda shitty to me??

you're a therapist who primarily deals with neurodivergent clients, you know your patients hate talking on the phone. and again, i've told her over and over and over again the thing about the cell service and i guess it was never said explicitly like, "hey, please let me communicate through email with you about appointments and stuff" but it was also never said officially, "hey, i refuse to check my email or respond to any of them even when i know they're there and even though i'm supposed to be a professional" so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

and i dunno, i guess i'm just extra pissy, too because i've been sort of thinking for a minute now anyway that i might need to find a new therapist.

don't get me wrong, she has helped me quite a bit in this past year and i don't know what i would have done if there wasn't someone i could talk to about all this shit, but that was part of the problem is that even though i've been going for over a year now it still feels like sometimes i have to explain things i've explained a thousand times before all over again (like in particular anything about grief she always treats me like i'm a novice at this and i always have to be like, "yeah, well like with my sister...." to remind her) and it's just kind of frustrating because i only get an hour and i'm paying all this money and it's like...are you even really listening to me? do you actually care?

i know she has a lot of clients and i know it has to be a lot to keep up with but i dunno. i especially felt like at our last session before this interaction even happened that she was a little short with me?

i chalked it up to her just having a bad day because she did mention some insurance shit (and of course mine always gives her trouble and i always hear about it first thing and i'm just like....yeah, i don't really know what to do about that, you keep saying your lady who does your financial shit is going to reach out to me to clear all this up but she never does and my insurance card says i can't contact them so i dunno what to really do other than just keep overpaying for my sessions until i'm caught up i guess, sorry) but maybe it's me. probably it's me. isn't it always?

she's also the type of therapist anyway that will admit to you that she likes to sort of work herself out of clients, i.e. help them enough to where they don't really need her and i guess in my case i probably haven't progressed all that much and certainly after a year if i'm still making appointments and am behind on my payments i guess i'm just taking up space so maybe she's fed up with me, but i wish she'd just say that so i could just work on finishing up what i owe her and move on to someone else, y'know?

also, not for nothing but like...i feel like sometimes in our sessions we talk more about her and she monopolizes the conversation more than i ever really get to talk about shit and i don't really think our worldviews are as compatible as i thought they were so i've been a little bit on pins and needles anyway for a while, but was willing to still give it a chance because i know how i am and i wanted to really give this a shot, but it's just becoming less and less worth the hassle and is starting to create more stress for me than anything, so i've tentatively started to make a list of other therapists, but i'm willing to give this another chance or two before i make my decision.

really sucks, too because i've been trying really hard lately to get my mom into therapy and i didn't even want to tell her about any of this so as not to deter her from wanting to give it a shot, but i ended up telling her anyway today because i got upset about her drinking again and needed her to know i'm really struggling over here and don't even have any help at the moment and so it's just really tough for me when i can't even leave the house for a few hours without her getting blackout drunk.

it really got to me today because one of my aunts has come up from florida to see my grandma because we're getting to that point where uh...she might not be here soon so she really wanted to see her, well, that was all well and good except of course she flew in yesterday with all that shit going on so everything was delayed and we had to go to atlanta to pick her up and i don't think she was wearing a mask so already i'm just like....awesome.

y'know, i get it, i reached a point sometime last year where it was like, "okay, i'm in a position where whether i like it or not i'm going to be around people who aren't masking all the time and maaaaybe we have gotten to a point where it's cool as long as i'm still mostly isolating and staying up to date on my vaccines? so i took some more risks and boy did i pay for that!! i tend to forget i've got that weak immune system, babey, so i especially can't play those games, plus i really don't want to get anyone else sick so i've masked again and my mom still masks at work but i don't think she does it all the time so that's frustrating, but like...my aunt just traveled and was at the airport during a super busy time so it'll be a fucking miracle if nobody ends up getting sick.

i've harped on and on and on especially lately about how worried i am about covid and bird flu and how i'm especially vulnerable and i've tried to be really understanding and patient about it because i get how human beings work, i get how it fucks with people's heads to go out in public all the time and not see anyone but one or two people, if that, still masking, i get it's still "out of sight, out of mind" in a lot of ways, but just....fuck.

so, i'm stressed about that, but also i went to actually drop her off at my grandma's today (which i know it's like, "if you're worried about people getting sick should they still be visiting?" and i hate to say it, but they're both old enough and educated enough about this to know the risks and my grandmother wakes up every morning begging Jesus for death so i don't think she really cares, tbh) and i ended up taking a route that's over this windy ass mountain and of course it was pouring torrential rain as i'm doing it so i get through all of that and i get a little closer to home before i try to call my mom to see if she needs me to stop and get her anything on my way in, plus just let her know i got my aunt there safe and all that and she kept picking up the phone but just....not responding.

and i thought at first it was a technical issue on my end or sometimes our land line does weird shit like that, so i wasn't freaking out just yet although a part of me was like, "oh my god, she's on the floor injured and is trying to answer me but can't" but as i later came to find out she was just super duper drunk. i managed to even get her on the phone a few times but she kept hanging up on me she was so out of it.

and i dunno, i know this makes me a massive child, especially at my age, but it just kinda hit me like, "oh shit, i'm really alone in this bitch, huh?"

like...what if something had happened to me? or to my aunt? what if we'd gotten into a car crash driving through that rain? she wouldn't have been able to come to the ER, she would have needed to sleep it off.

and i mean, that's fine, i guess. i'm a big girl, i need to deal with shit on my own, it just sucks that she couldn't even wait until i got home to get that messed up. i wouldn't have been happy about it, but i probably wouldn't have said anything other than encourage her to go lie down when it was obvious she was getting too far gone, but since i wasn't there she passed that point and it's like...here i am, stressed out about a million different things, we just had my sister's death anniversary last weekend and we've got the double whammy next month of my dad's one year passing anniversary and then a week later his birthday, i just drove through hell and i'm calling you trying to do something nice for you and you're hanging up on me and don't give a fuck what happens to me because you just had to get shitfaced drunk in the middle of the day.

but i calmed down some and she sobered up some (not before drinking again later, but still) and i apologized and just kinda of let her know a little of what's been going on and why i'm so stressed.

i know it won't make a difference and i know she's probably never going to change and it's only going to get worse, but i just wanted her to know it wasn't coming from nowhere and it's just frustrating this keeps happening and only seems to get worse as time goes on.

sometimes i think it might finally be getting better or she might finally be willing to go to therapy, but then we have another day like this and it just kinda shatters that reality.

i really have tried to be patient and give her grace and just gently usher her off to bed while i take care of the dog and shut everything down and clean everything up and try to make things easy for her, but it's like i'm just doomed to sit here and watch everyone i love self-destruct in some way or another and there's not a goddamn thing i can do about it except every so often scream and cry about it, but that also doesn't really change shit so oh well.

she'll either get help or won't but my tears clearly mean dick to her or to this addiction and i'm too exhausted to keep pleading my case so in the mean time i've started making a list again of potential therapists for her so she can look them over and i'll help in any way i can to get her set up with all of that, but after that the ball is fully fucking in her court, i can't do it anymore

i've sort of been her stand in therapist this entire time which we both know isn't appropriate or fair to me but clearly nothing's quite as good as alcohol and if it's at this point where it's truly more important than me then so be it, i guess.

i still love her very much and she's kind of all i have left as far as people i'm close to so i don't want to lose her in any sense, but i'm also just sort of preparing myself for that just in case i need to leave here and focus just on myself or she kicks me out or just...something.

my dad had told me he was concerned about how things would go for us, especially with her drinking, but he did all he could do and i did all i could do and that's that, i guess.

it just really sucks that he's not here anymore for me to talk to about this. he understood. so did ashley. i would give any fucking thing on this earth to just be able to talk to either of them again. i've truly never felt more alone in my life than i have these past few months or years at this point, i don't even know, but i'm just kind of done with everyone and everything at the moment. i'm on autopilot.

i'm going to just try to find enjoyment wherever i can and hold on to that and just keep doing my best even if it's shitty and not good enough for anyone else and even if everything around me continues to fall apart and just get worse and worse as times goes on i'm going to just....keep going, i guess. until i can't anymore.

one thing, though that i've decided is that i refuse to be a nuisance to anyone else. i really don't want to be that person that takes my shit out on anyone else just because i'm a miserable bastard having a rough time of it with things, especially shit that's mine to sort out anyway.

i don't care where i end up or what happens to me, i would really rather beat the shit out of myself until i'm all bruises or give myself a concussion before i become so miserable i decide to take it out on someone else, in any way. even if someone's hurt me, i don't give a shit about getting even or getting revenge or any of that petty bullshit, i just want to be left the fuck alone and honestly the more i go on, the better that probably is.

i'm probably just not in a good head space right now and will change my mind later and who knows, may even try to make new connections later, but for the time being i just want to sleep for about a hundred years straight and then worry about being a person after that.

anyway, this is very long and quite a bummer so i apologize if you've read all this.

i kept waiting to make an update until i'd have something positive to end on at least or something promising to look forward to, but uh...nope. seems like shit just kinda gets a little worse every day and i know it's only a drop in the bucket compared to how life in general is right now for everyone so i'll wrap up this little whine fest, i just hate that i pretty much abandoned this space even though i like being on here (i also get a lot of naked bots following me when i don't post for a while so there's that, too).

anyway, hopefully the next time i pop in for an update i'll have better news or i might just stick my head in now and again more often, i keep saying that but then...yeah.

anyway, hope if you're reading this life's treating you well and if it's not i hope it will soon. i know shit's really rough right now so i hope you're finding joy whenever and wherever possible and holding on to it.

later days <3