#as if i would have sensory overloads and panic attacks just to manipulate them or make THEM feel bad

[v3nusxsky]

Hello!

Let me start by saying I love your fics and your style of writing! Thank you for sharing this with all of us :)

Can you write a Larissa x f!reader where reader is on the spectrum, experiences sensory overload, and has a panic attack? Larissa provides comfort/care that the reader hasn't experienced before, and reader let's Larissa physically comfort her (something reader hasn't let anyone do?)

Sorry for the long ask. I just had to leave a job because I was written up for having a sensory overload panic attack, and I could really use Larissa comfort right now.

Thank you :)

Hello my lovely anon! I’m so glad you enjoy my work and I enjoy sharing them with you all. Hearing how much you love them or how they impact you makes my day. I tried to give this my shot <3

I’m here

*Authors note| I adore this prompt and the fact I myself and some of my siblings are either sensory or on the spectrum made it that much more special for me to write. I hope it reaches the dear anon and helps even a little*

Trigger warnings ~ panic attacks sensory overload asd spectrum

Prompt~ see the ask^^^

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You were diagnosed with Autism spectrum disorder (ASD) at the age of three years old. You knew just how rare that was because it was significantly harder to diagnose in females than males. Lots of younger girls are commonly dismissed because they present differently from the boys with ASD. You also had Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) which could be quite often coupled with being on the spectrum. In fact SPD was actually on the spectrum just the lower end which is why it made sense that some people would have both. And you were one of them that did.

You were now an adult, all through schooling you had struggled and being an outcast had added to that. That's why when you found Nevermore up couldn't help but fall in love with it. It created safe spaces for those who felt they didn't belong. Perfect for you. Which is why you stayed on to teach after your graduation. Your ability to control and manipulate the weather was rather easy to hide so every year you would be curious to hear the first years try and guess your ability. Some believed you to be psychic, some believed you to be a mind reader and other thought an empath. Truly you were none of those but you could see why they had guessed them.

Nervermore brought you to your girlfriend, Larissa Weems. The principal of Nevermore a stunning, tall, gorgeous shape shifter. You had been so scared to reveal your diagnosis to Larissa, fear of not being accepted by the women who held your heart. But Larissa took you in her arms and reassured you that it didn't change anything and she loved you the way you were. Nothing in the world would change that. You were her Y/n. In fact, when you had fallen asleep, cuddling her like a koala bear, Larissa took out her phone and began to do some research into ASD and SPD hoping to be able to support you. She knew of them but wanted more depth on her knowledge to be able to help you. If you were have a melt down or attack then she would have more of an idea on how to best help you. Since your relationship started, you hadn't really had many issues. But you always knew if you ever did Larissa would be there for you.

Despite knowing that, today when you were mid lesson and everything seemed to be too much you panicked. The class were having partner work tasks to complete when suddenly the room felt too loud, the clothes you had on seemingly scratching at your skin and your control over your ability dwindling fast. You immediately made your way into your desk and fished out one of your sensory balls. The ball Larissa had brought you with multi coloured little jelly balls inside that were only visible when you squeezed it. You even found the piece of fabric you had stolen from Larissa's broken scarf that felt like a childhood teddy you'd long since lost. Normally those items would help you through your sensory overload. But not today. And that small fact was causing panic to surge through you at an alarming rate.

Thankfully the bell sung out releasing the students for their fourth period, unfortunately for you the noise was ten times louder than normal and it had you covering your ears in an attempt to muffle the noise. You had planning period for fourth period which is why you immediately locked your room up and made your way to the room you and Larissa shared. The weather outside changing into a mess of sun rain and storms and as you slept further and further into the panic. Everything becoming too much for you. Your clothes had to go. They felt like little claws scratching at your soft skin so you were quick to rip them from your body as you moved closer into the bedroom. Grabbing your softest blanket you wrapped it around yourself as you paced the floor. Why couldn't you calm yourself down? Was the bell still ringing? Why could you literally hear every little sound? Hell even the sound of your own breathing was too loud.

You quickly threw yourself onto the bed revealing in the soft sheets as you buried your nose into your girlfriends pillow allowing the scent of her to wash over you. Really and truthfully you knew you should've found the older women but everything was too much and you just needed it to stop. However when the door creaked open you knew exactly who would be stood there. Harsh sobs left your body as you muttered apologises to the women about not finding her and failing. She knew if she were to hold you now, the touch would overwhelm you and you would wriggle and squirm in an attempt to separate yourself from it. So she settled for sitting next to you on the bed and reassured you. She was here and you were not alone. She was not mad at you and was so proud that you had taken yourself somewhere you felt safe. The fact you clutched on to her pillow, breathing in her scent made her heart swell.

Only when you whimpered out "rissy hug" did the older women scoop you up and bring you to her chest so you could position yourself in your favourite koala hug. You adored this position, straddling her thighs and arms wrapped around her neck with your head hiding in her neck is where you felt safe. Larissa gently rocked you both knowing just how much you enjoyed that, your little happy sigh being all the proof she needed as she brought her hand to your back to rub slow deliberate circles. She knew how these meltdowns took their tole on your brain and body. Rest was what you needed now and she would gladly provide that for you and more if you needed it.

She already knew she'd get a sub for your last few lessons of the day but when she felt those cute little breaths you did in your sleep against her neck she knew neither of you would be moving from the bed. So she shifted to lay back and allow you to snuggle up to her. Your blanket having fell slightly in the moving showing her that you had been so stressed when your clothes had bothered you. With a small tug of the blanket you were all wrapped up nice and warm and sleeping calmly against her. She loved that she was a safe person for you. That you would actively seek out her physical touch. You had told her you never allow anyone to touch you in these episodes or in the come down and aftermath. The fact you allowed her and even asked for it was just so special. It was here in these moments that Larissa didn't see you with a diagnosis, no she just saw you. Perfect as can be. Her lover and one day her wife. How on earth had others said such cruel words to someone as angelic as you would always remain a mystery to her. It was then her constant soothing circles on your back had began to lull her into a slumber with you.

Word count <; 1385

*Authors note~ all I'm gonna say is I do squirm and wriggle if I'm in sensory overload and I'm touched. It feels like fire honestly so if you are gonna help try to ask what they need*

[self-winding]

I think the helpfulness of NPD (and probably BPD) as a diagnostic tool is outweighed by how easily it can be weaponized as a quick and convenient means to dehumanize people...both those who do and those who don't actually have the conditions in question.

A very common tactic of abusers and gaslighters is trying to convince their victims that they have NPD as a way of de-legitimizing their feelings or thoughts. (This happened to someone in my family recently.)

I recently read a long post from an autistic woman who was misdiagnosed at one point with BPD. She described the way the diagnosis itself made everything worse, how it changed the way people treated her, how her panic attacks and distress at sensory overload was re-categorized as manipulative or attention-seeking behavior.

And the issue is not just that people frequently gets misdiagnosed, it's that people who are accurately diagnosed are also going through this. A diagnosis is meant to be a tool for helping the individual. If it's not doing that, there's a problem.

The fact that a diagnostic label can so quickly ruin a person's life, that abusers can so easily use it to control their victims, doesn't automatically mean that the diagnosis itself doesn't describe a real set of traits or tendencies. But it should make us very cautious and suspicious about how it's used.

Personality disorders, though they can't be "cured," are not and should not be some kind of social death sentence. People can learn new habits and modify problem behaviors. And more people would probably seek treatment if there was a reasonable hope that their lives would be improved by seeking treatment.

Currently, though, people with these conditions have an incentive to avoid seeking treatment at all cost, because they know what will happen to them if they do.

[miheartsedthings]

I've had this idea running through my head for a long time now. Huge trigger warnings here - explicit and graphic descriptions of psychological/emotional abuse. I would COMPLETELY understand if you don't want to do this. Really. It's really overwhelming and just - just too much. Your well being is what matters the most. Ignore this if this makes you feel uncomfortable.

Billy and Reader are newly best friends, which means they're still shy around each other but are still very close if you know what I mean: shy and hesitant but sincere and strong embraces, kisses on the hand or cheek that make the other person blush like a tomato. To put it simply, their relationship is a slow burn.

So much for the context/background. Now, as for the plot, imagine this: reader has family problems too. Billy knows it because she subtly implied it and perhaps also because he saw the bruises, it's up to you for this part, in my head there isn't necessarily any physical abuse, mainly mental/psychological - like controlling EVERYTHING ("belongings", acquaintances, tone of voice, what emotions are appropriate and what are the ones that aren't, how you should feel, what you see, your reality) manipulating, gaslighting, humiliation, threatening with violence or worse punishment, insulting, name calling, yelling at someone for hours on end while knowing they get sensory overload and cannot process loud noises / overstimulation in general, emotionally abuse enough to trigger panic attacks in front of the parent and obviously they. just. keep. going. and don't stop until their voice is sore and need "to lay down because they got too stressed" because they genuinely (for real) almost got a seizure from all that yelling.

And then the next day them genuinely being the sweetest, nicest, most loving person on the planet. Genuinely worrying about your safety. Almost having a heart attack if you're 7 minutes late. Crying their eyes out if you're away from them for a day. Keeping you locked in at home, not even allowing you to stay on the porch. Not even allowing you to open the window and let air into your room. Controlling everything you do. Saying they want you to be an independent woman who doesn't rely on anyone and is confident in her abilities. Teaching you about the dangers of blindly following authority figures. Degrading, humiliating you in front of everyone for hours on end until you get panic attacks which encourages them further to keep going. if you try to voice your opinion. Used to punish you when you cried as a kid for years. Telling you out of the blue to cry it all out and genuinely offering to hold you. The next day trapping you in a corner and looking at you with absolute and utter disgust, yelling to call you the vilest shit (not gonna repeat what was said here, trust me you don't want that) for shedding a tear after an intense fight. Crying her eyes out if she finds out you feel like a burden. Reassuring you that she loves you and that you're the most adorable, the most amazing person on the planet, that she wishes she had 10 other kids like you. Genuinely forgetting about your siblings because all her eyes are on you. Abusing you and only you because you're the only one that deserves it, as sick as that sounds. Abusing you because you show symptoms of abuse.

You're both their Golden Child and their worst ennemy.

A confusing, highly clinical case of a mentally ill parent.

Even though Billy doesn't see any bruises, he still knows things aren't going well at home. He doesn't know the true extent of the abuse but he sees the self harm scars. The panic attacks. The permanent anxiety. The chronic fatigue. The dissociation. The high identity confusion due to the gaslighting. The crippling fear of feeling certain emotions because "it's forbidden" and the fear and genuine confusion over choosing something for herself - literally the same as El.

And one day it's just all too much. She missed the entirety of the school day. He is looking for her everywhere. But she keeps avoiding him. She's scared of having a relationship like adults do. Scared of having a friend. Scared of talking to someone. Scared of being independent. Remember. It's not allowed.

But Billy doesn't let go. He manages to make her talk. And then he reassures her the best he can and asks her to stay at his place for the night. He doesn't leave her a choice because he knows she wants it but a dissociated part of her screams no. Hell would break loose if anyone finds out about this. So he takes the initiative and takes her home. They spend the night cuddled up and - I don't know about the happy ending. I'll let you choose. 🤍

The abuse descriptions I gave above aren't meant to be written out as scenes. I genuinely don't think I could read that. They're just here so that you know what to make reader say to Billy when he asks her to talk to him about it. ❤️

Hey anon, I'd be happy to explore this topic, it's just gonna take a while. I'm still working through other requests and anytime I start a new piece it takes some time for me to get a sense of how I wanna handle it.

Surprisingly, there's a little bit of this subject matter coming up in my ongoing story.

Anyway, yes, I can honor this request, just please be patient with me. 😊💖

[bibbykins]

Tandem Heartbeats and Close Calls

A/N: Hi everyone! I had started this little drabble forever ago and recently finished it in a half-asleep stupor, so I hope you can forgive the quality. It’s not my best work, but I do want to give the time I spent finishing it justice by posting. Also, I know a ton of people want some sort of part two or continuance for Embroidery, and I do too, so until I can muster a proper part-two, please enjoy this drabble... which is also me committing myself to a series of fight/make up drabbles for the soft yan boys. Either way, I hope you all enjoy and have a lovely day/night!

Pairing: Soft Yandere! (Embroidery) Kim Taehyung x Reader

Word Count: 2.2k

Warnings: toxic relationship, unhealthy relationship, panic attack, sensory overload meltdown/reaction, mean/degrading words, dissociation (kinda), emotional manipulation- this is not a depiction of a good or healthy couple this is an installment in the dark romance that I write for a mature (18+ since the first installment is rated as such) audience and do not wish nor intend for anyone to glorify or strive for this kind of relationship and I do not think anyone in BTS would act like this at all IRL, this is a work of fiction depicting a relationship that could not exist as such or functionally IRL,I could go on for days about this but please know that much. Also if I left out anything else I should add in the warnings I am so sorry and please let me know. 

Summary: He just wanted to stand up for you and you just wanted to stand on your own. The thought of you doing anything on your own, without him,  shakes him to his very core. 

You hated tension. You hated anger and the silence that came from having no words to properly express emotions. Yet, here you were with Taehyung, sitting in  his living room as he paced wildly, the both of you still in your work clothes. The disagreement turned full-blown fight stemming from an issue that seemed so silly to you.

You looked at your nails, chipping off the polish as you spoke, “I don’t see why you’re overreacting to misogyny in the workplace like this.” You mumbled, "And mad at me for it." You huffed, only earning a scoff from the pacing man.

“I don’t see why you’re so intent on being pushed around by lazy workers.” He seethed, “Youngmin knows better than to throw his work on you, he’s a production manager!”

You fought the urge to roll your eyes at this. You already knew that. You were just about to tell Youngmin that before Taehyung stepped in needlessly. This had definitely not been the first time people dumped work on you purely because you were a capable secretary and someone who looked like a pushover. You knew how to handle these situations, regardless if you ended up doing the work. Taehyung, however, seemed to not have any such faith in you considering the scene he made on the entire accounting floor, embarrassing the life out of you.

“That doesn’t give you the right to make a scene on my behalf.” You hissed back, "I can stand up for myself, if you just gave me the chance."

Taehyung scoffed and it made your eyebrow twitch at his patronizing demeanor, “Well, what else do I do if you’re being pushed around?” You huffed at the comment.

“I’m not being pushed around.” You tried to reason but Taehyung wouldn’t have it.

“Well, I’m the one making sure of that!” You flinched at the volume of his voice, but he didn’t catch it from his pacing while you stood, making him freeze.

“Then why are you the only one pushing me around?!” You huffed, tears in your eyes while Taehyung felt his heart crack. You had never yelled at him before, let alone cried because if him. The same realization seemed to dawn on you as you faltered for a moment, “I-I can handle things myself sometimes, you know.” You spoke incredulously, “I was a person of my own before you, do you not get that?!”

“Oh yeah? Who?” He snapped and you gasped lightly. Is this what he genuinely thought about you? Did your own boyfriend think so low of you and you couldn't see it, “I just remember you being a receptionist that cried on the phone and couldn’t be bothered to so much as make her own lunch, so what were you, if not mine?” He finished his words with a hard glare fixated at you which immediately softened at your glassy eyes with betrayal lying in your pupils

"How could you say that to me?!" You seethed, your eyes void of any affection or love for the man before you, making him freeze, “Do you know how hard I’ve worked to be who I am, and that person is not just your girlfriend, do you want me to prove it?!" Your words felt like a veiled threat, like you would leave him and he felt your words like a spear to the heart.

He could not let that happen, under any circumstances. You could not leave him. He could never allow it. You were his world, his everything, his reason for existing.

Going into panic mode, the man spoke in a hushed tone “Baby, I didn’t mean-

You held your hand up, silencing him as you shook your head, “I need some time to, you know, figure out who I am." You spoke sarcastically but voice quiet as you shuffled to the door.

"W-What do you mean?" He tried to keep the panic in his voice at bay as you slipped on your shoes.

You shrugged, "I don't know." An honest answer did make the situation less frightening for the both of you. What the fuck did you mean? What the fuck were you going to do by yourself?

Wrong answer. In order for you to leave this place, he had to know you loved him and would still continue to do so.

"You know I love you, my Venus, right?" His restraint was hanging by a thread as he watched you slip on your shoes.

"Right." You spoke, barely above a whisper.

Strike two. You didn't say it back. Why would you not say it back? How could you not say it back?! Taehyung watched his nightmare unfold at his own hand. You were slipping away from him, and for the first time, he had no idea what to do.

"I don't want you to go home this late, my love." He took slow steps toward you as your shaky hands tied your shoes, not accustomed to this kind of conflict, "I can just sleep on the couch, and you can..."

You whimpered as you couldn't tie your damn shoes. Your hands were shaking along with the rest of your form as you couldn't focus on the task at hand. You were overstimulated to say the least by everything. From the work day, to the scene, to the fight, to the brokeness of everything around you. Taehyung and you rarely ever fought and each time it was mentally exhausted, but it had never been this bad. You had never felt so sub-human and worthless. Were you just an accessory this whole time?

Had Taehyung loved you or just your company? You felt like a burden to him and just like a shitty excuse of a human all around. What the hell are you if not his? Maybe he was right.

A whine sounded from your closed lips as tears fell to the ground. Your shaky hands had paused on your laces completely, the knots tangled and resembling nothing like the bunny ears you needed. Goodness, you couldn't even tie your damn shoes correctly. 

Taehyung's words evidently fell on def years as only distressed sounds and whines came from you. The word was blurrying from your tears and just being overwhelmed all around as your chest squeezed around itself and you opened your mouth to choke on a sob before two hands covered your ears, pushing your face into a familiar chest.

You fought against the embrace before falling on your bottom and defeatedly ceasing your struggles as you focused on the quickened heartbeat your partner had. Why was he so panicked? Surely you were not significant enough to make the ever cool Kim Taehyung's self-confidence shake, right? His heart was pounding furiously, just like yours, though. You thought back to his comment about tandem heart beats on your first night together. Now, the reasoning didn't sound so crazy as the synchronous heartbeats you both shared resounded between your forms. Your sobs evolved into just heavy breaths as your shoulders relaxed a bit, signaling the man holding you to pull back a bit. His hands slid down to cup your cheeks and stroked them softly, a sad smile adorning his beautiful face.

"It's okay, baby, it's okay, hm?" He kissed your forehead, eyes glossy as he pulled back, laying his forehead on yours, "I'm so fucking sorry I was being such a piece of shit." His voice shook, "Fuck, I never meant to hurt you like that, I didn't even mean what I said. I was just fucking projecting because I was nothing until you came into my life-"

"What a lie." You sniffled, "You have always been Kim Taehyung, campus prince, successful businessman, a fucking CEO- board member- whatever." You sighed out, "You've always been something-"

"None of that meant anything to me, barely does now, I never cared about anything until I met you." He breathed shakily, "I love you so much and you brought so much color to my world and I felt like all I had to offer you was protection and I have no damn idea how to be of use to you while you're so effortlessly the focal point of my existence." 

Your breath hitched at this, "I-I… What the hell are you talking about?" You huffed out, "This whole night I have felt like such a burden, like I was just a pet for you to look after, like I would be nothing without you- like you said-" Pain flashed across his face. He did say that. He didn’t mean it, but he said it and it affected you.

"Shit, I did not mean that at all, please believe me." He begged, voice cracking, "I am nothing if not yours, I can't take care of myself without you, my life is nothing without you in it." You opened your mouth to protest but he continued after a heavy breath, "I remember you as the receptionist who didn't care who liked her and who didn't, but you were still so shamelessly human and it was, and still is, fucking beautiful to see, you are so dedicated and hard-working. I felt the only way I could even get involved with you was through anonymous lunches because I was too cowardly to just approach you. Why would you like me to begin with? You never once needed me, but I have spent years now, needing you so shamelessly and it makes me feel so small when you don't need my help and I lash out like a child about it and say things I don't fucking mean, at all." He took a deep breath, "I love you more than anything, more than life itself, and I never want to make you feel like anything less than a fucking goddess and I'm so sorry I fucked up so bad." You couldn't find words as he gave you a short kiss on your nose before pulling away, averting his eyes as his cheeks glistened and he focused his hand on your shoes, "If you still need time on your own, I understand, and...and I will respect that." He spoke softly, defeated, as he gently undid the tangle of knots on your left shoe before beginning to tie it correctly, "Is that too tight?" He murmured.

You shook your head, tears heavy on your cheeks, "Stop, Tae-Tae." You pleaded softly but he could hardly register your words until you laid a hand on his, making him look up at you.

You studied his face, tears fresh on his cheeks with stains beginning to dry from previous ones, "Baby?" His voice was so broken.

"You can just take off the shoes, I-I want to lay down." You looked at him as he met your eyes with hopefully ones, "With you. I want to lay down… with you." He nodded before gingerly taking your shoes off, as if to give you time to change your mind, "I love you Tae-Tae, I really fucking do, and it's so scary because I want to be perfect for you like you are for me and I feel like I keep falling short and so to hear you say that earlier it just…" You shrugged, not sure how to vocalize how you felt.

He sighed, "I really didn't mean it, but it doesn't change the fact that I said it." He began to take off the other shoe, "I do think you're perfect and I need to be better with my stupid fucking insecurity about it and stop being such a dick." He slipped the other shoe off before pulling you into a tight embrace, "I love you, so much, and I would give up everything in a heartbeat just to be with you." You held him back, giving him peace of mind after being so vulnerable.

Your body was exhausted as he carried you to his bedroom. You could barely help him as he dressed you for bed and tucked you in carefully before sliding in next to you. He cradled you delicately in his arms, not squeezing until you held him against you tighter, "I forgive you." You whispered against his chest, "I love you, I really do."

"Thank you so much, my Venus." He sighed in relief at your words, "I love you too, so fucking much." He leant down as you kissed his lips softly. 

Taehyung lightly admonished himself for a moment. He nearly lost you. He could never let that happen again from his own foolishness. He couldn't live without you. He would never fuck up like that again, and he wouldn't. He vowed to never make a scene like that. He had to do that shit in private, obviously. He slipped up, but he would not be so obnoxious again. 

Before he could continue to curse his stupidity, you snuggled against him, "G'night, my love." You murmured and he relaxed instantly, head cleared with only thoughts of how much he loved you.

"Sweet dreams, my Venus." He kissed the crown of your head and you hummed in delight at the gesture before he joined you in closing his eyes and drifting away into a peaceful sleep after one of the scariest nights of his life.

Thankfully, Taehyung never made the same mistake twice. Especially a mistake so critical. Who knows what he would’ve had to do if you were dead set on leaving him? Again, thankfully, neither you, nor Taehyung, would not find out. Not that Taehyung  planned for you to ever find out just how far he was willing to go to keep you with him, to keep your requited love, to keep both of your hearts beating, together.

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[zzinvolterra]

I’ve read your post about the downsides of having powers and I loved it cause I always thought it couldn’t be that easy. Now I want to know the others!

I have a couple of ideas but I’d love to read your headcannons for Aro, Marcus, Edward, Alice, Jasper... I mean... everyone with a power.

Have a splendid day and be safe!

[previous post]

Thank you so much, you too!!

// mentions of panic attacks, anxiety attacks, sensory overload //

Aro

When he touches someone, he can read every though the person has ever had.

The possibilities.  I think the primary concern would be losing or mixing up his own memories with others’ thoughts.  He’s come into contact with vampires with millions of their own thoughts many times, and because of his memory, they’re all locked in there, perfectly preserved forever.  (Also, the criminals that he would be reading would likely have quite gruesome memories.)  So forgetting who he is, experiencing constant déjà vu and horrific flashbacks (that aren’t his... or are they?), and becoming overwhelmed to the point where he can’t function are all very possible.

Marcus

He sees the relationships or connections people have to one another.

I suppose Marcus could occasionally be overwhelmed, perhaps experiencing headaches when looking at a large coven.  (Also, there’s so much honesty in his gift, meaning in nearly every relationship he has, he knows exactly how they feel about him.  Which could be painful at times.)

Didyme

Aura of happiness, I guess. [not a quote]

Didyme emits an aura of happiness that seems unconscious and may have occurred to a lesser degree as a human.  Like I mentioned before with Chelsea, every relationship she’s had could have been affected by that.  (...including Didyme/Marcus - would their love be the same if she didn’t have her Ability?)  And depending on how much her gift affects a person, she could be sobbing (vampirically) and everyone else in the room would still be grinning and laughing euphorically.

Everyone else is under the cut!

Edward

Edward can read the thoughts of anyone in close proximity to him...

I just started MS, so I’m not quite sure how this is in canon, but I imagine it would be quite easy for Edward to become overwhelmed, especially as a newborn when he didn’t know how to block out voices.  He could also experience migraines.  Plus, in terms of how much he’s got bouncing around in his head, he’s like Aro Jr.  Not Good.

Alice

She can see into the future, although what she sees is based on decisions being made; thus, she must wait for a decision to be firmly rooted in the mind or acted upon, before she can see the end result.

Her visions send her into an almost catatonic state, and she sees them often enough that there must be quite a few of them preserved in her mind.  She exists on a different plane of reality, really, that must make it harder for her to connect with others.  Could definitely see her experiencing constant déjà vu (she’s just living to catch up to her next vision) as well as anxiety attacks from trying to avert every single possible disaster.

Jasper

Jasper has the ability to both feel and manipulate the emotions of those around him.

It seems like Jasper is constantly inundated with the emotions of others, including their thirst, so him experiencing sensory overload is definitely possible.  He’s also able to manipulate others with his gift, so unconsciously influencing someone could be a concern of his.

Bella

Her mind is impenetrable; no one can read her thoughts unless she allows it.  She can shield herself from all types of psychic attacks and learns to shield those around her.

I like to think that Bella feels a dampened down version of whatever she’s blocking, especially when she’s expanded her shield.  For example, she could feel a stinging sensation when Jane attempted to Pain™ them in BD.

Resume

She can show people her thoughts by touching their skin.  So far, no one has been able to block her talent.

Sounds scary, but okay.  Maybe showing other people her thoughts drains her energy?  (While we’re talking about her, I support the headcanon that Resume is like an immortal child in the way that she draws people in and encourages them to die for protect her.  Her Ability could increase that effect.)  There are also some weird parallels between her and Aro.

Zafrina

Zafrina has a strong illusory talent.  She can make her target see any illusion she wants, or see nothing at all.

Hmm.  I suppose for Zafrina, she could perhaps experience a diluted form of her own Ability when using it on others for an extended period of time.  I’m assuming that she has to concentrate on what she wants them to see, and maybe after a while, she starts seeing bits of it herself.  Or, her own vision could start growing dimmer as she exerts more energy.

Eleazar

He has the ability to sense the type and strength of gifted vampires’ talents.

Eleazar is like a gift metal detector.  Consequences could be that being around powerful gifts, or many at the same time, could overwhelm him.  For example, getting headaches when he was part of the Volturi or during the army witness gathering in BD.  (And I’m assuming Aro visits him semi-regularly, which is not an enviable position to be in.)

Kate

She has the power to cause a painful, electric shock-like jolt in anyone she touches.

I think with Kate, she could become drained, especially if she’s touching more than one person or using her Ability for an extended period of time.  And until she fine-tuned her control over her gift, she was probably shocking everybody and was afraid to touch those she loved in fear of hurting them.

Benjamin

He can influence the elements – water, earth, fire, and air.  He is able to physically manipulate the world around him with his will, similar to telekinetic.

Because of his power, Benjamin wasn’t allowed to leave the house for years, so yeah.  Downside of being the Avatar is everybody wants you.  Also, it seemed, at least in my opinion, that he doesn’t have the greatest control over his gift - meaning every time he uses it, it’s large and powerful.  In the BD (movie) vision, he creates a chasm... that’s deep enough to reach magma?  (Fault lines!!)  So if he were to ever lose that bit of control over his Ability, he would do a lot of damage.

Maggie

She is able to tell if a person is lying.

Maggie is compelled to point out lies, to the point where she can’t stop even when people become uncomfortable and punish her for needing to state the truth.  Therefore, hearing lies could hurt her, mentally or emotionally.  It could also be sort-of an obsession of hers to have everything be the “truth”.  (Do with this what you will - basically what I’m trying to say is that Maggie is unable to not point out lies.)

Siobhan?

Some suspect she can affect the outcome of a situation through willpower alone.

If she does have an Ability, I suppose it could be that the outcomes she causes have unintended side effects - a bit like how Alice attempts to manipulate events, but those new events bring new potential disasters.

James

He was a skilled tracker, able to sense in advance the most likely moves of his prey.

Demetri-ish?  Hyper-aware of his surroundings.

Victoria

She was exceptionally good at evading enemies.

She’s canonically good at hide-and-seek...?  To me, it seems like an Ability that was invented to explain why nobody could find her, but all right.  Perhaps a mix of Afton, hiding-wise (though she doesn’t turn invisible-ish), and Bella, evading-Demetri-wise.

Fred

He has the ability to make anyone feel physically repulsed.  He can use this ability to make someone unable to think of him for a period of time.

In “The Second Life of Bree Tanner”, it seems like Fred’s Ability is always active.  Perhaps gaining control of that power could be difficult because, until he does, he pushes everyone away...(Reneta-ish?)  Also, he’s called “Freaky Fred”.  Rude.

Raoul

He had a limited ability to make others view him as their leader.  It worked best on those who were directionless.

This is hard because it almost seems like Raoul is just exceptionally charismatic.  Potential scenario: if his directionless followers somehow found direction, he would have to deal with an uprising.

Alistair

Alistair can track both people and things.  He can sense the general direction of whatever he is looking for, but it takes him a long time to narrow this feeling down to a specific location.

(He’s very good at finding those car keys.)  He would be aware of his surroundings, similar to Demetri but to a lesser degree.  Not sure if he’d be as overwhelmed as often since it seems like he needs to focus on something specifically to find it, but I imagine his first few years weren’t fun.

Charles

Charles can sense when someone is lying to him.

Maggie 2.0?  Or perhaps more accurately, Maggie 0.5?  Sounds like he’s essentially Maggie, but less affected by lies.

Mele

Could take Abilities and transfer them to other people.  However, she couldn’t use the gifts herself. [Also not a quote]

Gift snatched.  Her power on its own is not very helpful to her survival, since she can’t harness the gifts she takes, nor is it beneficial to her existence.  In my opinion, Mele, due to her Ability, will always be stuck in the position of serving someone (like Sulpicia in Life and Death) or be killed because she’s a threat (Aro).

[livefordrama]

Reviewing Dramas I Have Watched Part 6

It’s been a while; I haven’t been able to watch a lot between school and just life. Not to mention the time I do have is spent doing buddy watches of kdramas I have already seen with my friends and family (On teleparty of course.) Again, here is my rating system:  1- Did not like, 2- Enjoyed but probably wouldn’t watch again, 3- Enjoyed and would watch some episodes again (or for movies may watch again), 4- Enjoyed and would watch again, 5- Loved

Korean Drama

Melting Me Softly: 3/5

Melting Me Softly is about a guy and s girl who get cryogenically frozen for an experiment for what was meant to be only a day. Unfortunately, something happens, and the 24-hour experiment turns into 20 years. Now they have to deal with the changes of not only their family and friends but the world and society as a whole all while trying to uncover the darker secrets behind the experiments.

I gave this a 3 because while the earlier and later episodes were amazing and hilarious, the episodes in the middle of the season bored me. I am not much of a romance person unless it is either subtle or played out a specific way and the romance in this wasn’t my personal cup of tea so it just got boring for me. On its good episodes though, it was funny, sad, and cute. I really did like the dynamic between the two main characters and the romance is pretty good, just a little slower in the middle of the series. The relationships with the family members of the two were so cute and so sad, I loved the all the scenes where the mains got to interact with their families. I did feel awkward and weird about the second-lead, I’m not sure if he counts as a second lead but for lack of a better term that’s what I’m calling him. I love Choi Bo-Min as an actor, and it had nothing to do with his acting, just the whole situation was uncomfortable to me. That other guy who doesn’t even deserve to be the second-lead, if you watch it you know, the stalker one, I despise that man. Not once during the entire show did I like one of his scenes. That could be why I didn’t enjoy the middle scenes as much cause he found a way to worm his way into almost every scene and I would get so annoyed with him. This show does have its good points and bad points, so I would recommend it for those who like romance with a little bit of suspense and humor.

Welcome to Waikiki (season 1): 3/5

Welcome to Waikiki is about a group of friends who own and attempt to run a guesthouse together. When they find a baby left behind in one of their rooms, they have to find out how to take care of her and find her mother. This becomes even more complicated when the mother returns in tears saying she had no where else to go and didn’t want her baby to suffer. After hearing about her troubles, they decide to take the two in, in exchange for help working at the guesthouse. It follows the group and mother as they try to figure out how to take care of a baby, save their failing guesthouse, and achieve their own dreams, all while falling in love.

This show was hilarious, I watched it because everyone was talking about how funny it was and I agree. I especially love how it focused on all the characters instead of picking just one or two and focusing on them. I love when shows really work on all their characters and this show played it out so well. Not one was neglected and I didn’t feel like any of them were underdeveloped by the end, and Sol was super cute! I loved every single one of her scenes, she was so funny and sassy and I know she is just a baby but she is amazing. I watched some episodes on the tv and my sisters even made comments on how cute she was when they looked up at the TV, even though they didn’t watch it. I enjoyed the ending and how it all played out and tied together nicely. 

It was a delight for the first two thirds of the season. However, yet again that romance hit and the humor kinda dissipated to be replaced by the romance for a good few episodes. While it was admittedly cute, and I adored the romance scenes in the last few episodes, most romance scenes gave me such second-hand embarrassment I had to pause the show for a while and gain the courage to restart it. I did enjoy it but would probably only ever rewatch the first two thirds and maybe the last two or so episodes. It reminds me of Love With Flaws in the second-hand embarrassment romance scenes, so if you enjoyed that show, definitely give this one a chance. If you like romance, humor, and can handle the second-hand embarrassment stuff I highly recommend this one! It’s super cute and hilarious!

Missing Nine: 5/5                                

Trigger Warning: Plane crash, Blood, Injuries, Suicide attempts, Murder

Missing Nine is about a girl who gets hired as a stylist for an arrogant and cold idol. On her first day, the plane they are all riding on to an event crashes on a vacant island. Only nine of them survive the crash and must now fight to survive and be found all while struggling with the betrayal of one of their friends who began to murder them one by one.

I really enjoyed this one, it was my perfect type of show; angst, suspense, subtle romance, crime, found family. The only issue I had with it was the unrealistic ending, I just don’t understand how it is possible and don’t know how I even personally feel about it. I am also probably one of the very few people who didn’t watch it for Chanyeol, don’t get me wrong I am an Exol too, but like really new Exol. You can skip this parenthesis if you want, it’s a kpop tangent. (I am a huge multistan. I love all the kpop groups I have listened to so far and have all the dalcomsoft games minus Gfriend even though I love them, cause I feel like it’s going to be a BTS superstar and get deleted so it’s not worth my time or efforts. Feel free to talk to me about any group and any member. If I don’t know them, I would be happy to find new ones so even if they are not well known or new, don’t feel worried about squealing to me about them, I would love to make kpop/kdrama loving friends.) I watched for Jung Kyung-ho and only when I started did I see Chanyeol which was cool to find. This also means POSSIBLE SPOILER ALERT I wasn’t disappointed or biased after a certain episode like many of the people I saw raging in the Tvtime comments, not saying this in a bad way just stating that since I am neutral on certain events, I will be focusing on specifically the plot and how I felt about said plot versus how I feel about characters. SPOILER ALERT OVER

Overall I really loved this show, it was certainly an emotional roller coaster. I felt that it could have had a second season or a spin off to tie up that last little cliffhanger but I personally and satisfied with how the main issue wrapped up, other than that one weird ending scene. If you like angst, suspense, crime, and a little romance seen in an enemies to lover type of trope then I highly recommend this show. I gave it a 5 cause I personally loved it and am already planning on rewatching it with my friend. It does have a lot of blood and injuries so if you are sensitive to that, I wouldn’t recommend it to you. 

Because this is my first life: 5/5

Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault, Attempted R@pe (but it didn’t get far at all, just be careful)

Because this is my first life is about a woman (Ji-ho) who has to find a new place to live as her brother is getting married and her parents gave the son the apartment that they had bought for both their children. Because of many misunderstandings and coincidences, she accidentally rents a new apartment with a very strict and stoic man (Se-hee). Due to more problems, the two come to an agreement that they should get married since they both can gain something from it. The woman gains a place to stay and the man gains a tenant to help pay the bills, no more, no less.

Okay, so while I said that I didn’t like romance this is the exception, much like Shopping King Louie, it was just a really cute slow burn that I thoroughly enjoyed watching. Many people in the fandom, on TV time at least, were giving Se-hee a hard time and saying he was using and manipulating Ji-ho but I didn’t see it that way. She consented and never voiced anything other than that and the deal was for her to stay in the apartment since she needed a place to live and he needed someone to help pay bills. He didn’t ask for anything more, she was already following his schedule before the marriage issue and was just fine and accepting when they decided to get married. Neither had any expectations of falling in love, they just both needed something that marriage would help them gain and both consented to it. Later on, Se-hee even asked her if any advances were okay and backed off when they weren’t with no questions asked which I find admirable. Okay, rant over. It was cute and at times annoying cause you just want them to get together already. I laughed so hard in so many episodes and cried in a few too. The cat was so adorable and I love the interactions the main’s had with the little fluff. The best, and sometimes most painful, bonding moments between the main’s were the ones that dealt with the cat. I wasn’t too fond of the love triangle but was pleased with how it actually played out with the two women actually accepting each others presence instead of being horrible to each other for the most part. Highly recommend it to any romance lovers, and especially to those who are fans of shows like Shopping King Louie as mentioned above.

Flower boy next door: 3/5

Trigger Warning: Stalking, Panic Attacks, Sensory overload, Bullying, Teacher Crushes and Manipulation of Such

Flower boy next door follows Dok-mi, a young woman with crippling social anxiety to the point she never leaves her apartment. From her window she watches her across the street male neighbor every day, taking note of his entire schedule. This all comes back to bite her when her neighbor’s brother comes to visit from Spain and catches her. What starts as an attempt to make her stop stalking her brother, quickly progresses into a mission to help her overcome her past, anxiety, and to get out of the house and adapt back to a healthy social life. As this mission goes on the two begins to realize they have feelings for each other, but Dok-mi’s own next-door neighbor has his own mission of getting her to stay inside and fall in love with him. He has been writing a web comic about her being a modern Rapunzel and has been in love with her for many years.

I enjoyed this one, I watched it cause the actor from Psychopath Diary starred in it and it was really cute. The romance was adorable, and the whole telepathy thing was a great addition that made me laugh. I love the whole adorable dork male with quiet cold girl trope so much. I didn’t like the whole stalking situation very much, it’s just kinda weird and was something that made me really uncomfortable during the first few episodes. I wasn’t a huge fan of the next-door neighbor, he just seemed like an enabler to me and I found myself angry through most of his scenes, as well as through most of Dok-mi’s childhood friend’s scenes. Other than those two characters, I enjoyed it well enough. I know some people can get annoyed by each characters flaws but I usually am good with morally grey characters as long as they learn from their mistakes. Some did in this show and there was a lot of character development and some didn’t which is realistic but makes me kind of sad. I recommend it to people who like a cute romance show with some angst and don’t mind morally grey characters.

Web-drama/Mini-series

Ghost Vros: 4/5

Trigger Warning: Suicide, Death, Some gore, Jump scares.

Ghost Vros follows two young men who are trying to start up a business where they hunt ghosts using virtual reality software. The main character is able to sense the ghost through his ears turning red and his friend programs the virtual realty to make sure the main has everything he needs to catch the ghosts.

I liked this one, it was fast like many web dramas are, but really interesting. I did attempt to translate it myself with my, admittedly little, Korean knowledge before finding the English subs (which you won’t be able to find now that Youtube has rudely removed community subs, unless it’s uploaded somewhere else. If someone finds it please let me know.) I was always engaged during the show and wasn’t bored at any point. It did have some confusing points and I wish we got more backstory as there was mentions of some interesting things that was never explored further, but it is a web drama, so that is more than likely too much to ask for. Recommend to anyone who enjoys a quick comedy ghost story.

 Cats Taste and Cat Bartender: 5/5

Cat’s Taste and Cat Bartender follow three cat gods who run a bar at night to make money for their injured owner. At this bar, they give upset humans cocktails which enable them to either posses said human or go into a dream world, this isn’t really clear, and correct the issue in exchange for items the cats find interesting on top of the alcohol cost.

This show was so cute, I absolutely loved and couldn’t stop smiling. I got the first season, Cat’s Taste, on my youtube recommend and decided to watch it since I was bored. I am so glad I did, I got super excited when I saw that there is a second season as well and spent forever trying to hunt it down before a kind person on MyDramaList put a link to the English subs in a comment (if anyone needs it, I will be happy to send it.) Both seasons were amazing, and I am hoping for a season three as the ending looks like it might be set up for one. The way they showed the bartending moves was so pretty and satisfying and I liked how all three cats got to show their moves instead of just the one.  I don’t like alcohol, have tried many kinds many times to but just don’t, however this show makes me want to drink the mixed drinks even though I know I would hate the taste.

Also, is it just me or does Ms. Hana remind anyone of Johnny from NCT? I don’t know if she looks like him or what, sometimes someone reminds me of someone else and the two look nothing alike. Don’t know what that’s all about but let me know because I could not shake the feeling that she reminded me of Mr. Johnny from Chicago. Anyway, tangent aside, I highly recommend to someone who like a quick but cute drama.

Korean Movies

Beautiful Vampire: 3/5

Beautiful Vampire is about a female vampire who tries to avoid people due to her nature, but has all that shattered when she runs into her landlady’s son one night and begins to fall in love.

This movie was pretty good, but a little confusing. I couldn’t even write a proper plot explanation cause I was just so confused. I honestly felt like a fever dream, though a relatively interesting fever dream. I wish we had more information and backstory cause it just kinda felt like a rollercoaster ride of pining. It ended okay; I mean I was bored at the time, so it was something to do. If I am bored in the future, I might watch it again. I agree with most on TvTime when they say, it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t good, it was just something to do. I feel like the story line needed more work done and that it ended too fast and progressed in such a way that it was hard to follow. If you are bored or have nothing to do, give it a try, you might like it more than I did.

Chinese Drama

Take My Brother Away: 3/5

Trigger Warning: Alcohol Abuse

Take My Brother Away is based on a web comic about two siblings living with their alcoholic, debtor father in China, after their mom filed for a divorce and left. It follows the two as they go to school, work, and try to live a normal life. The sister hates her brother for being lazy and not being able to help her get what she wants, and the brother gets annoyed at the sister for always getting violent with him and nagging him.

I loved this one, it was really interesting to see the dynamic between the family. I felt that the brother should have been given more credit in the beginning for all he does for his sister and I felt really sorry for the sister because she just wanted to be like the other students who could afford to read web comics or go on trips. Some episodes were hilarious, some were heartbreaking, some were admittedly annoying, some gave me secondhand embarrassment. I just love it all, the only reason I give it a three is because I wouldn’t watch all 50 episodes again, I loved it but some were more on the boring side like filler episodes and I just, don’t think I’ll ever watch the whole series again. I can defiantly say however, I will probably watch most of the episodes again. I enjoyed the ending though it was admittedly on the strange side, and felt it was wrapped up nicely. There was a lot of character development too which is always great. I recommend this to those who enjoy some dysfunctional family humor and some angst and who are able to commit to long seasons.

 Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

Part 5

[healingchildhoodtrauma]

*trigger warning: child abuse, suicide

The unraveling of a lifetime of denial

At the beginning of last year, I cut all ties with my abusive brother after I started having vivid, highly disturbing nightmares about him. I could no longer deny how badly he hurt me. I couldn’t even see his name or picture without going into a flashback.

Also at the beginning of last year, I went no contact with my narcissistic mother. She pretended to empathize and believe me about my brother to then go behind my back and complain about “having to handle me with kid gloves” (although she never has, even when I actually was a kid).

I lived with my sister from then until February of this year, who showed me beyond a shadow of a doubt (and even admitted) that she’s just like my mother. So after a lot of wrestling with my own denial, I had to go no contact with her as well.

That left my dad. I stayed in contact with him until about April/May of this year! But once I started being honest with myself about everyone in my family, peeling back the layers of denial.. and no longer had to live in disassociation because I no longer lived with any family members, it became more clear to me all the ways he was abusive on his own. There was like a tier of abusive people in my family, everyone abused me physically when I was a child and continued to emotionally even into my adulthood. I started to realize any connection to my family at all kept me stuck in this role as the scapegoat - I saw myself through their eyes: as worthless, deserving abuse, my feelings didn’t matter. I was struggling with money and my dad offered to help, the last time I saw him he was cold and indifferent as he always is, but I couldn’t make excuses anymore. I couldn’t fawn anymore. I’m an adult now, I don’t need these trauma responses to survive, I don’t have to retraumatize myself any longer. I remember feeling fine before seeing him, then after I saw him I was hit with a huge wave of feeling suicidal. It couldn’t be any clearer to me what I had to do. It was excruciating: but I had to let go of the final person in my family I was making excuses for.. I was believing a fairy tale in my head about, “at least I had this person” when really they were hurting me along with the rest of them. I made the decision to give up my car, to accept any financial consequences that would arise from not depending on him any longer or seeing/speaking to him in any way. My inner child wasn’t safe around him. I had to hide my vulnerability, and I already have to do that with the rest of the world. To try to do that around the people that should feel like home, is draining and depressing.

The shedding of the denial and disassociation I lived in for my entire life was the most painful and difficult process, I don’t even know how to convey it or put it into words. I remember I sat down at my laptop and started writing a google document intended to be the start of a book. I thought I could sum up my mother’s narcissistic abuse rather quickly. But when I started writing, in a house without any family or abusers, the truth came flooding back to me. I was never safe. My childhood was characterized by violence and threats of violence. I have actually been abused by everyone in my family. Not just emotionally but physically as well. I was like a lamb among wolves. The more I learned about narcissistic mothers and how they triangulate and manipulate the whole family, I felt like I finally understood what was wrong with my family. I see now why my mother worked so hard to keep my controlled and gaslit. Once I started seeing this I couldn’t unsee it. I tried writing about my childhood and realized there were entire years I have barely any recollection of. For the first time in my life since childhood I was flooded again with the sheer terror of my childhood. It wasn’t just neglect. They weren’t just busy or stressed. They were purposely cruel. No amount of minimization or invalidation could make me unsee this truth.

For months I lived in this terror. It didn’t help that there were many compounding factors leading to the decline of my mental health. I got the worst physical injury I’ve had in my life, and every time my wife would undress, clean and redress the wound, I would go into a flashback of when I was physically hurt by my family members and couldn’t get away or fight back. I cried and cried and cried, I shook, I screamed. I didn’t understand what was happening for a while, I didn’t understand why I felt so trapped and powerless and terrified. My wife of course wasn’t purposely hurting me at all, she was helping me, doing what had to be done, and it tore her up to see me in so much pain. It was also physically gruesome to me. I couldn’t look at the wound. It also impaired my functioning more than it already was, because it was my right hand. I couldn’t open or pour myself drinks, I couldn’t really make myself meals, I couldn’t type on my phone which was how I was journaling.

Around this same time the pandemic hit. Along with my constant flashbacks and my finger injury, I started developing OCD like behavior: intense fear of not washing my hands enough, of anything being dirty or contaminated, I felt like I could never get clean enough. I was having daily panic attacks, along with the flashbacks and uncontrollable crying that would happen twice a day when my finger was being cleaned and dressed. I started starving myself. I developed constant headaches, dizziness, fatigue, my muscles and bones started to hurt. I started sleeping all day and only being awake at night in the darkness of my room. I barely left my room, even to go to the bathroom or kitchen. Sitting up became difficult. I remember almost blacking out, feeling swallowed by darkness, and surrendering to it: thinking yes, please, take me, finally. I developed agoraphobia, afraid to even sit on my porch, everyone and everything felt like a threat. I tried sitting by a window and still felt exposed and scared, I’d end up quickly shutting the blinds if I saw anyone and always felt myself scanning for danger. I knew this was CPTSD. I tried a couple different jobs and couldn’t do them, due to my physical and emotional impairments. By June, I gave myself til the end of the month for things to get better. I said to myself, if things don’t get better by then, I give myself permission to kill myself. A wave of relief and joy washed over me. Only one more month!!! Finally, no more suffering! Finally, no more living for others while I am already dead inside. Although at the same time there was this tiny little voice inside me that knew these things I was experiencing were going to get better in time. I kept this plan a secret from my wife. I planned what I was going to do and where my body was going to be found. Then the next day I tried hanging out with her like normal and she started talking about the future. Months from now, things we could do together. I started crying, I didn’t tell her why, I just knew there was no way I could do this to her, no matter how much I was suffering. Within a couple days I told her to keep the bottle of pills with her at night while she went to work because I wanted to overdose on them. Positive change came at the end of the month via a work from home job I tried to do, but could only do for 2 weeks before burning out. But it was enough for me to keep on living and not feel like a burden. Eventually I told my wife about the deal I made with myself and why, and she assured me she wanted me around even if I couldn’t work. Around the time I made the plan I remember being in the bathroom, looking in the mirror, into my eyes, and it was like my inner child inside me said to me, Don’t give up on me.

I tried a free counselor and she wasn’t good. I tried an anti depressant and the side effects were too bad for me to stay on it. This whole time I was self medicating with cannabis but at times it would make the flashbacks and paranoia worse. My finger finally healed. I finally found a supplement that helped me have enough energy to get out of bed more, to cook and even to dance. I learned what to do during flashbacks. I learned how to comfort my inner child. I learned about “high functioning” autism and how so many females go undiagnosed or get misdiagnosed as BPD (which I was in 2013). It explained so many of my difficulties my entire life, including my being taken advantage of by so many people, my hyper sensitivity and my current burnout. The term masking perfectly described what I’ve been doing my entire life. I thought everyone mimicked personalities they thought were likeable to such a degree, I thought everyone followed scripts in their head. I started seeing how the flashbacks from trauma I’ve been experiencing have been compounded by the rumination/brain loops from autism, and meltdowns from sensory overload. I’m finally at a place where I feel like I know how to manage flashbacks and I’m aware of my sensory intolerances/sensitivities. I’m finally at a place where I consistently listen to my body, I don’t push myself into meltdowns. I’m still not working, I still have physical symptoms that we think may be MS but we don’t have insurance for me to see a neurologist yet. I am not starving myself, I’m forcing myself to eat. I’ve been able to go outside more. It’s September, we’re still in a pandemic and I still have trauma to work through, but it’s a lot less on my plate then a couple months ago. I’ve been stretching and even lifting weights from time to time. I’ve been singing and writing. This whole time I’ve been researching everything intensely, it’s one of my “preoccupations”. I’ve learned so much about CPTSD, childhood trauma, narcissistic abuse/families and I continue to learn every day. If you read this far, thank you for reading. I just had to get this out. I’m aware it’s not grammatically perfect. I feel a shift happening as I understand myself more and more. I don’t think too far in the future. But I know I’m heading in the right direction. I know I made the right decision in going no contact with my family. I know it wasn’t my fault they did what they did/are who they are. I’m finding joy in the little things. I still have bad days, healing is like that... two steps forward, one step back. I don’t want anyone to go through what I went through. I want more girls with autism to have support and understanding. I don’t want kids to go through abuse and blame themselves. I don’t want scapegoat children of narcissistic mothers/families to feel obligated to stay in contact with their parasitic families. I want mental health care to be better, more accessible and more affordable.

[phoenix-of-arson]

Hi, so I came back all the sudden. I was going to wait, but I need to rant. I did notice that I was being a bit manipulative when I upset that person- I was having a panic attack the whole time I was responding to them and I wasn't thinking straight. I guess I can do that when I get upset, even if it isn't intentional. I'm going to try to fix that. I am very stressed right now. I went to get braces on my bottom teeth Wednesday and they still hurt. School has been hard like normal. And today, everything has been complete, total, sensory overload. A friend came to see the other friend that is living with me, but I hardly spoke a sentence to her. I spent the whole day in my room except for when I did chores. I've had a headache all day long and woke up with an upset stomach. I feel bad for ignoring a friend today. I am still upset at them and wasn't completely sure I could handle any stress cause my head felt like exploding and I was tired. But there has been some drama, at least on my side of things. Nobody else notices, but I've been avoiding people. Everything has just been too much with them. They have left me out a lot unintentionally. It hurts my feelings. The reason they are leaving me out is because I don't like the same jokes as them. I've said this before, but I'm not dirty minded. Dirty jokes make me uncomfortable. They think it's funny when I tell them how I feel or when they see my face. That hurts enough that they joke about it, but then they really will leave me out of conversations. I try to speak up, but it feels like I'm not there. I feel like I'm drifting away again. I can't get people to listen, so I feel like I can't talk, and then the next part is where I go completely silent again. The worst part is when they don't even care whether or not I actually am there. It hurts.

So besides all that crazy stuff they don't even notice, I have to have 2 teeth pulled out monday. My anxiety is off the charts. I hate getting teeth pulled. My baby teeth are always slow to come out. Thats why I still have these two left. And they won't budge. I really wish they would so I could just pull them out. Every time I've had a tooth problem, I wind up having to get at least 10 shots, and they don't even help with the pain. It is extremely painful for me, especially since I hate shots, especially in my mouth. And it's a molar, something with multiple strings attaching it to the gum. Also, I think I'm moving again. I hate moving. I've had way too much moving in my life. That was part of the whole adoption thing, moving a lot because I had no home. I also moved a lot in the previous 4 years I was alive, and I've moved a lot since then. I'm sick of it.

[stimtoybox]

Question

I don’t know If you’ll answer, but do you or anyone else know the best noise cancelling headphones or ear defenders for like a concert; and ones that aren’t incredibly high priced. Also any ideas of things to do to keep from having a panic attack and/or sensory overload?

Can I please ask everyone to not submit (as opposed to asking) questions when I have the askbox closed? (In other words, please don’t use the fact that I have submissions open as a way to circumnavigate the closed askbox.) It’s not fair on everyone who is patiently waiting for the askbox to open, and it’s also not fair on those who have been waiting a long time for me to heal so I can answer those waiting asks. When I do close the askbox, it’s because I’m in a situation where I need to limit the questions coming in to tackle those that are waiting, and folks who submit questions instead make this difficult.

Thank you very much, everyone, for your understanding on this point.

Headphones and Ear Defenders:

On the first point, I’ll ask for folks to reblog or reply on this post if they have any suggestions. You might also like to check out our category tag on headphones and ear defenders for various posts and discussions on the topic. I still don’t have a set of either that I would personally recommend for you, so I think that might be your best resource.

Panic Attack / Sensory Overload:

This is a difficult question to answer generally. I’m acutely aware, myself, of how general answers seldom suit my specific needs as a walking tangle of diagnostic labels, and I rather doubt that there’s an answer I can give that will work for your situation better than truths you already know. Additionally, the situation, circumstance and location often massively impacts what tools you have and how you can or should employ them.

So I’m actually going to ask you questions, because you already have coping strategies. You just might not fully realise them, or you might think that a coping strategy results in a more drastic easing of your experience when in fact it often just allows you to survive it. Sometimes it’s only skin-of-your-teeth survival. Sometimes it’s just the difference of being able to walk away from the situation and melting down instead of melting down then and there. I know we want tools that help drastically minimise or even erase the misery of panic or overload, but the honest appraisal is that these things don’t stop or erase panic or overload. They just help. I am saner and happier accepting that, as much as I’d sell my soul to not experience either.

I also absolutely and unequivocally advocate for avoiding things that overload, if possible. Avoiding overload is much simpler than dealing with overload once it’s triggered, and if it’s something that can be avoided, that’s one fewer concern!

1. What triggers your sensory overload and/or panic? Be general at first. List anything that comes to mind. Then try to break it down and find any smaller elements. Sit at the end of the day for a minute or two and think about how you felt at various times and what you think might have caused it. Keep on doing this. Even when you think you know, check in afterwards! Over time, you’ll be building up a list, and that list gives you information. It is much harder to decide how to handle a trigger, especially ahead of time, if you don’t know what your triggers are, so I don’t recommend skipping this point.

(Some panic triggers just can’t and shouldn’t be avoided, in which case finding ways to experience it more easily is better, but some might be.)

2. Which of those triggers can you reasonably avoid? If you can avoid this thing and it causes no harm to you or the people around you, do it.

3. Which of these triggers can you minimize or lessen? It might be that some of these things can be lessened, too. Can you ask (or have someone else ask) your neighbour to turn down their music? Can you ask your housemate to spray their perfume outside? Can you cut the tags out of your clothes? Can you go to the shops at a time when there’s less people shopping?

4. What does your overload feel like? Recognising what we feel, physically and emotionally, is difficult for many ND folks, especially we autistics. But if you can, over time, put together a list of experiences and sensations, especially with regards to early warning signs, you’ll have more warning about when an overload is coming, what it feels like when it does and what you might do about it. For example, knowing overload is coming and stepping away from the situation while you can still communicate to others that it’s happening, for example, is important if you lose all communication ability.

5. What does overload or panic take from you? What abilities do you lose? Wrist a list of these, too, as this will impact how you handle the situation. If you cannot read a list of response ideas on your phone when overloaded, for example, then having a list of approaches won’t be helpful to you. If you can’t communicate at all, having someone ask you unrelated questions as a distraction technique won’t work.

6. What worsens your overload? List these things, especially items that don’t quite trigger it but don’t make it easier to experience. You don’t want these things to happen when the world is already too much for you, and this means you can more knowingly avoid these things if possible. For example, someone touching me doesn’t trigger my sensory overload, but being touched will ratchet up said overload when I am overloaded, so touching belongs on my list.

7. What sensations can you tolerate ordinarily but not when you’re overloaded or panicked? Can you replace it with something always tolerable? I’ll give an example: if you can tolerate the touch of your quilt when not-overwhelmed but can’t bear it when overwhelmed, get rid of it and replace it with something you can always tolerate. Make your room, your bag, your clothing, your things, your personal spaces, as tolerable/pleasing for you as possible, no matter your state. This gives you somewhere safe and comfortable to be; this makes it easier to recover from overload. You don’t want to be out shopping and have to deal with screaming children plus the devil tags on your clothing. This is just an act of self-care, the act of making your environment, as much as you can modify it, suitable for you all the time.

8. What positive sensations make you feel connected to your body? It doesn’t have to make you feel amazing. List anything even a little positive. I’m talking about stimming as a coping mechanism - a means of delivering positive sensory input. It does help, in various ways, with overwhelm. List everything you can think of. Keep adding to it. Keep a feel-good list or journal! Do what society tells you not to do: touch clothing in a store, pick up objects on a shelf, listen to things, look at colours. Neurotypical adults are taught to shut off so much positive sensory input along with the negative, but since we can’t do that and have to live in the world they made for us, we need to embrace our feeling-things-too-much powers by finding positive sensations.

(Stimming categories include smell, weight/pressure, touch/texture, taste, movement/manipulation, sound and colour/visual movement. Most of us will have a category to which we react more strongly over others, and most of us will have a category to which we respond little, not at all or negatively. There are toys on this blog corresponding to all these categories, toys all of us here use when panicked and overloaded. There’s also a wide variety of blogs and games, especially for visual stimming, so this category is easily accessed via phone. If you don’t have a stim toy kit already, check out this post on stim toy categories.)

9. Are there any similarities between your listed positive sensations? Have you listed a lot of things that suggest touch-seeking behaviour, for example, or have you listed a lot of movement-intensive toys, or experiences relating to sound? Is your list pushing you towards one of the above stim toy categories? This is important for building your kit or choosing which of your toys or stimmy items to keep in your bag or on your person, as you want the most effective toys/items within easy reach.

(I will say that not all toys are suitable for public use, so that’s something to keep in mind, too. If you like a lot of visual stimulation, for example, I’d ask you to consider not using toys with flashing lights as your public go-to calming stim, as flashing lights can trigger seizure and sensory overwhelm in others. Since most of us in panic or overload cannot ask if others are bothered by this, we need to choose a non-flashing toy.)

10. Which of these listed positive experience/stim categories can best relax you? This ties in to making sure as many of your things are still accessible to you when overloaded, as “positive” may still not mean “calming” in a high emotional state. (I love metal, for example, but when I am very wound up any kind of sound isn’t calming for me.) Experiment here, if needed. Try different things and categories from your list to find out what works best. The more you think about this, though, the more likely it is one of these things will pop into your mind when you need it.

11. What sensory or non-sensory experience distracts you? Is this something you can employ or have others employ when you’re panicked or overloaded? For example, whenever I went into shutdown, my psychologist would ask me a question about gender, activism or feminism, because she figured out that getting me into analytical mode got me out of shutdown much more quickly than standing back and waiting. Do you have that one song that always makes you happy? Do you have a topic or special interest? Do you need to get away from people altogether and hide in a quiet space? Do you want to try breathing exercises or meditation? Again, list!

12. How can you employ these experiences? You’ve got your lists and you have some ideas as to what might help you, so now you need to make it accessible. Put the calming music on your phone, tuck a Tangle in your pocket, cut off devil tags, keep a spinner in your bag. Is there a particular way you mean to use any items on your list? Make sure these things are planned out and as accessible as possible, as it’s no good having a list, thinking about a solution you wish to try and then not having it to hand when you’re out and sensory overload strikes.

13. Are there external supports you can put in place for when you’re panicked or overloaded? Do you have a friend or family member you can trust, someone to whom you can to indicate--in whichever form of communication is easiest, be it by sign or text message or AAC--as to when you’re struggling, knowing they can support you? Do you need them to remind you to step outside, slow your breathing or reach for a stim toy? Or can you set messages on your phone? Can you keep a list of steps to follow on your phone or in your pocket? Is there a way you can help yourself reach for one of those distractions or positive, calming sensory experiences?

I’ll be honest: this is a lot of work. You need to be an explorer, willing to try and experiment knowing you might only find little pieces of ease here and there. An awful lot of things others use and discuss may not work for you, which does put the onus of experimentation and discovery on your shoulders. That’s hard and scary and a lot unfair, but I don’t know any other way.

- Mod K.A.

[scriptautistic]

I'm sorry if this question is triggering or anything, but I was wondering in what ways an autistic child could be bullied and manipulated by their parents or other important adults using their autism as a centre focus? For example, a young child with sensory issues that prevents him from tolerating liquids on his skin being forced kicking and screaming into the shower (the parents know that he doesn't like water) etc?

Hoo boy, this is a very personal subject for me. I grew up in an abusive family, and I have lots and lots of personal experiences I can share as examples. Obviously this is not even close to an exhaustive list, just some examples from my personal experiences.

Do be aware that this post will contain descriptions of emotional/verbal abuse and some physical abuse. If anyone is uncomfortable with this topic, feel free to skip the rest of the post.

First off, let’s take a moment and look at why autistic children get abused. In some cases, a parent would be abusive regardless of whether the child is autistic or not. In such cases, the parent has their own psychological issues that influence them. If you’re writing this type of abusive parent, it’s a good idea to delve into their backstory a little bit and decide what their reason is for being this way. Portraying them as “evil” without a reason isn’t accurate and can even be harmful for real-life victims of abuse whose situations are not so clearly black and white. There are many possible reasons someone might be abusive, including having been a victim of abuse in the past and certain psychological disorders which can cause some people to act abusively, such as narcissistic personality disorder - but this blog isn’t about those topics. If you are looking for resources for writing such characters, we recommend paying a visit to @scriptsocialwork and/or @scriptshrink.

Another type of abusive parent is abusive specifically because their child is autistic. They may not realize the child is autistic. They may believe the child’s behavior is due to environmental factors, or that the child is willfully difficult. They may think they can make their child less sensitive or more social - more “normal” - by forcing them to “face” the things that upset them. They might feel like a victim who has been cursed with a difficult child and lash out at that child, or they might feel they need to be a superparent who cures their child of their difficulties by force. They may believe they are doing the right thing with this abusive behavior. They may also be responding to pressure from teachers or other parents who think that the child’s “problems” are the result of the parenting style and push them to be stricter, etc. They may be praised by others for this abuse of their child. And then there is “therapy” where autistic people are abused by “experts” who think their autism can be cured.

It’s important to note that abuse does not have to be intentional. If the abuser doesn’t realize what they’re doing is wrong, or isn’t intending to hurt the victim, that doesn’t make it not abuse.

That said, let’s look at some specific ways autistic children can be abused by their parents. Sadly, these examples are far from rare, and in most cases, the parents even believe they are doing the right thing by hurting their child in this way. As a side note, while we like to push for positive representation of autistic people, this is a subject which is not often addressed, and having an autistic child living through abuse in a story could be a very helpful thing for the world to see and learn to understand, so that changes can be made.

Physical Abuse

All types of physical abuse that can be used on allistic children can be used on autistic children as well. If the child is particularly sensitive, the abuse can be even more harmful. This includes all types of hitting, spanking, and other physical attacks on the child. All of these methods have been proven to be detrimental to the mental health of a person as they grow up, and children who are physically abused (even just spanking) have been shown to have greater psychological problems later in life.

In addition to these “classic” methods of physical punishment, anything that involves the autistic person’s particular sensitivities can be abusive as well. The example given in the ask of a child being forced screaming into a shower is a good one. From my experience, I can also add:

Being forced to go swimming despite sensory issues with still water on the skin. I was forced to take swimming lessons at a summer camp despite the water on my skin causing me to panic, and was consistently reprimanded for “refusing” to pass the tests at the end of each level and remaining in shallow water at all times. 

I was also once, as a teenager, picked up and thrown into a natural pond by my father’s girlfriend. Everyone else was going swimming on this hot summer’s day, but I didn’t want to because, in addition to not liking swimming, I was having my period. I didn’t want to communicate that in front of everyone, so I tried politely declining. My father’s girlfriend, who was “fed up” with me refusing to participate in group activities, physically picked me up, fully clothed, and threw me screaming into the pond. Everything fell out of my pockets and sunk to the bottom, and the pad in my underwear was soaked through. I ran sobbing into the house while my dad’s girlfriend continued to shout after me that I was being ridiculous and rude to everyone.

Once, as a “punishment” for not taking part in a social activity (I was overloaded and went off on my own to read for a while in a quiet spot), my bed was sabotaged by my father and sisters. Everything metal in the room, including a set of metal dumbells and a guitar stand, was hidden underneath the blankets and pillow of my bed. When I jumped into bed (as I always did, onto my knees, something everyone in the family was aware of), I landed on metal. I hurt my knees quite badly, but was ignored when I asked for help. Afterwards, when I was limping for a few days, I was yelled at for “making a scene” and “trying to get attention”. (I still have issues with my knees.) After removing the objects from under the blanket, I threw myself down on the pillow, not realizing something was under that, too, and got quite a lump on my head.

I was once forced to eat food the taste and texture of which made me gag. My dad’s girlfriend had cooked a sort of strange pizza with unusual ingredients, and I couldn’t choke it down despite being desperately hungry. I tried to get up from the table and was shouted at, told that it was extremely rude to refuse to eat someone’s cooking, and that I was not to get up until my plate was clean. Everyone else quietly ate, finished, got up. My sisters went to play. My dad and his girlfriend went off to do whatever they did. I sat at the table crying for two hours, feeling bruised from the hard wooden chair, my stomach aching with hunger, but unable to eat the food. Eventually my father relented and allowed me to simply go to bed without eating rather than force-feeding me the “pizza”.

My mother and grandmother were obsessed with making me “ladylike” (I was widely regarded as a tomboy). Throughout my childhood, I was forced to wear my hair up in braids and ponytails, tightly pulled together with elastics or scrunchies. My scalp was particularly sensitive, and I could feel every hair being pulled out. I cried all the time and begged to be allowed to let my hair down, but was refused. My grandmother frequently insisted that “beauty hurts sometimes” and my mother told everyone that I was known to “make up” aches and pains for no real reason other than to get attention, encouraging everyone to ignore my tears. As soon as I was out of sight, I would always let my hair down. My scalp would hurt for hours afterwards, and then I had to endure being screamed at when I was found out.

Physical abuse can also involve meltdowns, which are often mistaken for tantrums by parents, and shutdowns, which are often mistaken for refusal to speak (the “silent treatment”).

I remember having a meltdown at the end of a camping trip with my dad, his girlfriend, and my sisters. The overload of an entire week without any time alone, sleeping on a hard surface, constantly bit by mosquitoes, eating food I didn’t like, and other sensory nightmares of the forest, had taken too much of a toll and I finally couldn’t stand it anymore. When I was ordered to help clean and pack the tent, my brain went SNAP and a meltdown started. All I remember is feeling a need to escape, to be somewhere quiet. I tried to run, and I was chased by an angry father and his girlfriend. I tried to hide in the backseat of the car, which was the only suitable hiding space I could find, and was grabbed by the ankles and ripped out of the car. They were screaming at me to calm down, holding onto my arms and legs with a much-too-strong grip while I thrashed around, unable to control my body, sobbing my eyes out. I was “in trouble” for weeks after that for “throwing a tantrum” instead of helping out like the others.

During shutdowns, when I typically go nonverbal and am unable to speak, I have frequently been grabbed, shaken, pushed, etc. as attempts to force me to speak while I “rudely” “refuse” to communicate.

These are just a few of the many examples of physical abuse from my childhood. There were also plenty of unpleasant situations that weren’t abuse - for example, when I had to put my shoes on quickly because we were late for something important, but I didn’t have time to straighten the seams on my socks, and my feet hurt all day as a result. I don’t really blame my parents for things like that. But when a child makes it clear that something is painful or very unpleasant for them, there is no reason to force them to endure it, and the parents insist on forcing them anyway, or use sensory overload or other such things as “punishments” for autistic behavior / failing to act allistic enough, then it is abuse.

Emotional and Verbal Abuse

Even more common is verbal and emotional abuse. All physical abuse is also emotional abuse, but there are many types of verbal/emotional abuse that often go unrecognized because so many people think of abuse as a physical thing. Emotional abuse of autistic people is very common, as many of our traits and behaviors are seen as “deviant” in some way, and it is a common cultural idea that deviant behavior, regardless of whether it hurts anyone, should be corrected or even punished. There are also many parents who feel entitled to a “normal” child and will blame an autistic child for making their lives more difficult. Then there are, as always, some parents who will be abusive regardless of what type of brain the child has.

While most of my physical abuse was at the hands of my father, his girlfriend, and my sisters, my mother was a neverending specter of verbal and emotional abuse. I should note that my mother has her own psychological issues and was equally abusive towards my allistic sisters, though they were far better equipped to deal with it than I was. Here are some real-life examples from my childhood.

It was made clear to me from a very young age that what I felt and what I wanted was not important, especially if what I wanted was different from the majority. If my mother wanted something and we didn’t give it to her / do it for her, we were being selfish. If we wanted something, we were being selfish. This was done both to my sisters and to me, but my sisters had the support of friends and teachers at school, who reassured them that it is normal to put yourself first sometimes and that it was not acceptable for a parent to treat their child this way. I did not have any friends and I didn’t know how to communicate my problems to my teachers (or even that I had a right to), so I had no support, and slowly developed a complex of believing I was a bad and selfish person. This led to a series of further abusive relationships later in my life, as I felt I had no right to refuse someone’s demands or stand up for myself. This was made worse by hyperempathy - whenever I felt I might have upset someone, hurt their feelings, or done anything they might find unpleasant, I suffered terribly, so controlling me was always as easy as warning me I would upset someone if I didn’t do exactly as I was told.

I always did my best to follow all rules and instructions exactly as they were explained to me, but often misunderstood because I didn’t catch the tone or implications of something. I was screamed at on a nearly daily basis for “refusing” to follow “simple directions”. I was constantly confused, constantly trying to do exactly what I was told, never understanding what I had done wrong. I learned not to trust my own instincts and to think of myself as inferior, stupid, lazy. There was a period of time I considered committing suicide in order to rid the world of my hideous presence, but (fortunately) I could never work up the nerve to do it because I didn’t actually want to die.

My sisters and I were all sent to a therapist after my parents’ divorce (when I was 5). I continued to see a therapist or counselor for many years after that, usually through the public school system. My mother frequently attended part of the sessions with me. Frequently, she would contradict me immediately after I spoke (or even interrupt) by claiming something was untrue, that I had made it up, that I had a history of doing that. You might think the therapists would believe their patient over their patient’s mother, but most of the time, they believed her. I was awkward and communicated strangely. I didn’t make eye contact, which they took as a sign that I was being dishonest. And my mother was good at playing the “loving and patient mother” around other people. She actively prevented me from being diagnosed with anything until I was 18, prevented me from getting any actual help, and prevented me from getting any accommodations, because she claimed I was being lazy and entitled.

She did the same thing with medical doctors. When I, at age 12, tried to talk to my pediatrician about sleep issues, she butted in and claimed that I slept fine (despite the fact I slept very little and was constantly tired). She did the same when I tried to talk to the doctor about depression and prevented the doctor from recommending a psychiatrist. When I was given medication (such as an asthma inhaler), she took it away and prevented me from using it. She claimed I was simply “being too sensitive” and needed to “toughen up” rather than relying on extra help, or, that old classic, that I was making it up for attention or “just being dramatic”.

Due to hyperempathy, I took the deaths of pets very badly. Having to look at or touch a dead animal could cause shutdowns, meltdowns, or panic attacks, as I automatically imagined how it would feel to be dead and was unable to handle the thought. My mother forced me to hold dead pets and bury them myself, then insisted I get another one. She always made me chose animals with short  lifespans so that I would have to face death repeatedly (this is by her own admission, as she proudly explained to me a few years ago - she thought she could make me stronger by forcing me to face death regularly).

When I was exhausted or overloaded, I was regularly forced into difficult situations, like going to a crowded shopping center or a party. I was not allowed to spend time alone. When I inevitably had a meltdown as a result, I was screamed at and punished for “throwing a tantrum” and embarrassing her in front of other people.

Again, this is a short list of examples from an entire childhood living with an abusive family. I could write a whole book about this, but this should be enough to get you started.

I am fortunate enough that I was never subjected to ABA therapy, and I was almost always verbal, so I never had to experience certain types of abuse firsthand (and can’t offer personal experiences as examples). We will have a post on ABA therapy soon where you can find more information.

If you decide to write a story with an autistic character who is abused, please do so with care. Rather than relying solely on the examples I’ve given, try looking for other sources. Please find at least one or two beta readers who are autistic and grew up in abusive households (sadly, they’re not that hard to find) so you can be absolutely sure you represent the experience fairly and accurately. All too often, it is seen as socially acceptable to abuse autistic children, because it is not seen as abuse: it is seen as a parent trying to teach a difficult child how to be normal. It does not work that way, and it causes a lifetime of psychological issues and trauma. Stories that show how wrong this is can be a big help in showing the general public that this behavior is not okay, does not work, and should be stopped.

And please, whenever you’re writing about topics like this, be sure to include content warnings somewhere.

Thanks, good luck, and happy writing!

-Mod Aira

[scriptautistic]

Masterpost: Meltdowns

One of the most obviously recognizable autistic traits are meltdowns. Stimming can often be done in subtle ways, allistic-type social skills can often be learned, but meltdowns are simply beyond control. Unfortunately, they’re frequently misunderstood and mishandled by others who don’t realize what they’re seeing.

As always, we want to emphasize that meltdowns are different for everyone. Some autistic people have regular meltdowns. Some experience them rarely or not at all. And they can be caused by different things and experienced differently by different people.

Meltdowns are caused by an overload in the brain. This can be sensory overload, extreme anxiety, emotional distress, or stress: basically, there is too much or something and the brain can’t cope. Whatever the cause, the brain is in a state where it can no longer handle further input.

Many autistic people, especially adults with a lifetime of experience, are able to recognize when they are getting overloaded and are headed for a meltdown. Some people are able to leave the situation which is causing their overload and give themselves time and space for their brains to “catch up” so they can calm down and avoid the meltdown. Sometimes, however, it’s not possible to leave a situation - and sometimes, it’s not clear to the person what is happening. For example, alexithymia might prevent them from being aware that they are getting overloaded. If the person remains in the overload-inducing situation, a meltdown can occur (The person can also experience a shutdown - we’ll get into this in a minute.). Sometimes the meltdown is also caused by internal reasons (anxiety, emotional distress) which can hardly be avoided.

Once in a meltdown, the person no longer has normal control over themselves. The brain goes into “fight or flight” mode. The brain perceives a threat - the cause of the sensory overload, or stress, or whatever people happen to be nearby when it happens. It can also be a vague sense of danger / pain that’s not directed at anything. Logic and reason go out the window, and the person is gripped by a tremendous sense of panic and danger. For some people, their brain is saying: YOU ARE NOT SAFE. YOU NEED TO GET AWAY. Picture a cornered prey animal preparing to fight for its life. That’s the state the brain is in.

The person will then react to the situation as though they are in extreme danger - even if they are logically aware that they are not. Common reactions include:

They may physically run away, or try to run away.

If they are unable to run away, they may try to hide: behind doors, under tables and chairs, behind curtains, anywhere that presents itself. (Mod Aira has been known to try to hide on the couch, under the cushions.)

If approached by other people, they may respond as though they are being attacked (because the brain feels as though they are). This may include screaming, yelling insults and threats, and lashing out physically, punching, kicking, scratching, or even biting.

The character may shout things they would never normally say, including threats, slurs, curse words, etc. Alternatively, they may beg for help, to go home, for their mother, etc.

They may thrash around and/or stim in extreme ways, or in ways that are out of character for them. This can include self-harm: scratching or biting one’s skin or slamming one’s head against the wall or floor are not uncommon. This is an attempt to calm the nervous system.

They may scream, whimper or cry because of the pain they’re in.

They’ll probably have trouble thinking clearly or at all.

Throughout this experience, the person may feel physical pain as well as panic. Common descriptions include having bees in your head, feeling like your skin is trying to crawl off of you, feeling like your chest is trying to implode, or having nerve pain that shoots up and down your body.

In addition to panic, the person is quite likely to feel profound embarrassment and/or shame, especially once the meltdown is over and the person is calming down, and especially if it happened in public. They are often aware that what they are doing is irrational, and they know how awful they look while it’s happening, but they cannot control it in any way.

This is an important thing to note: Meltdowns cannot be controlled or stopped once they begin. They are not related to temper tantrums, which they are commonly mistaken for. A temper tantrum is someone behaving in an extreme way in order to get attention or to manipulate others into giving them what they want. A meltdown is in no way voluntary. It is more like a seizure: a neurological event which cannot be controlled or stopped (though it might be shortened in some situations, and can definitely be made worse).

If a character in your story sees the meltdown happen, there are ways to help, and there are ways to make it worse. If the person knows what is happening and what to do, they can help make the meltdown as short and painless as possible in the following ways:

Do not attempt to talk to or touch the person melting down unless they have explicitly requested that you do so. Some people may find comfort in pressure, for example, and ask friends and family to give them bear hugs when they melt down, but this doesn’t work for everyone and will make some people worse.

If the meltdown is caused by sensory overload, remove as many sources of sensory stimulation as possible. Turn off music (even quiet music, since the person may be extremely sensitive), turn off or dim lights, stop all conversations, etc. If they are able to walk, moving the person out of an overloading setting can be more feasible if the meltdown happens in a public place (supermarket…).

If the meltdown is caused by stress, anxiety or emotional reasons, anything which can help reduce these can help shorten the meltdowns. What can and can’t help depends on the person. Asking someone how to behave if they ever have a meltdown in a moment when they’re NOT having one is a good thing to do, as they won’t be able to tell you when a meltdown has already begun.

Give the person space and keep bystanders away. Ideally, create a situation where no one is looking at them (seeing eyes looking or staring can increase the sense of threat). Explain that they are fine, the situation is under control, and keep them from gawking. If police are around, explain if necessary that the person is autistic but that they will be fine in a few minutes, and that you are taking care of them. Make sure the person does not perceive any extra threats from people approaching them, which might result in a worsening meltdown and possibly even violence.

Once they have calmed down and are ready to talk, don’t make a big deal out of it. Make it clear that you understand this is something beyond their control and that they have no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed.

If possible, give the person an escape route. Do not stand between them and the door. Make it clear that they can leave if they need to, and provide a safe space for them to be alone.

Naturally, such perfect “meltdown companions” rarely exist in most autistic people’s lives. Your average well-intentioned friend or family member, and certainly your average stranger, are likely to react in the following ways, and with the following results:

Trying to calm the person down by approaching them, trying to soothe them with gentle touches, stroking their hair, rubbing their back, etc. Aside from the potential panic they might feel from being approached by someone (threat!) which can result in violent outbursts, physical contact and hearing someone’s voice can lead to increased overload which can worsen and prolong the meltdown.

Trying to force the person to talk about what’s happening. Demanding that they explain what’s going on, asking lots of questions, wanting them to “talk it out”, or just rambling on about how they’re here to help and everything’s going to be okay, etc. Again, the noise can increase overload. Also, the person might be totally unable to process speech and be unable to understand what’s being said, in which case they just hear “I’m not leaving you alone! I demand that you accommodate my need to understand you!” and increase stress.

Yell at the person for “throwing a tantrum” or “being dramatic”. It is extremely common for meltdowns to be misunderstood and mistaken for a willful tantrum. Verbal attacks like this will increase the sense of being threatened, worsen and prolong the meltdown, and might provoke violent behavior which the autistic person feels is self-defense.

Block exits and prevent the person from running away. If allowed to leave the situation, a person experiencing a meltdown might be able to calm down fairly quickly, but when prevented, the threat level increases - instead of running, they are cornered, and have to resort to other methods to try to get the “threat” away.

Making them the center of attention. The person melting down generally needs to be left alone. When everyone is looking at them, trying to “help” them or calm them down, even if all the people around have good intentions, it can make the situation far worse.

The amount of time a meltdown takes to pass depends greatly on the individual and the situation. They can pass in a minute or two, or they can last for upwards of an hour, especially if the person is forced to remain in the situation which triggered it. On average, they tend to end within 15-20 minutes. If left alone under ideal circumstances, they can be shortened dramatically.

When the person feels that the threat has passed and the brain has calmed itself down sufficiently, the meltdown can end. The character can gradually calm down and regain control of themselves. Aside from potentially feeling embarrassed and ashamed, they are also likely to feel exhausted, as meltdowns expend a lot of energy. Some people will even curl up wherever they are (under a table, inside the sofa, wherever) and immediately take a nap. Their cognitive functions (ability to think clearly) might take some time to go back to normal.

That’s all for meltdown. A masterpost about shutdowns will follow shortly, as well as some posts describing the mods’ personal experience with both type of reactions so you can have a concrete example. Happy writing! (Here we are, giving you more options to make your characters suffer. Do you really need that.)