#as long as i'm not experiencing symptoms i'm totally fine!

[luveline]

Hi Jade! So definitely feel free to ignore this if you aren't interested I totally get it! But if you want I was thinking of the zombie Steve au and how my biggest fear would be to ask him for help finding period supplies while in the road. I know you said in your faq you don't write this, but I was thinking really it wouldn't be about any physical things reader is experiencing but more like embarrassment asking Steve and he's like "its no big deal!" Anyway, like I said if this is a hard no pls ignore! 💙

hi, hope this is ok ♡ steve zombie!au

cw reader menstruates + eats meat 

Your back always aches. Your stomach always hurts. Symptoms of your period are stealthy under the general misery of life on the road, but you do eventually clock on. This persistent back ache is pervasive today, working its way around your stomach. It feels like a sharp stab of heat, and it's nothing compared to the pain you'll feel when it actually starts. 

Steve turns his rabbit over the fire slowly, unaware of your internal struggle. "I still can't believe it," he says. 

Not only did your snares work for the first time ever, you caught two. It's the first time in weeks you've eaten something that wasn't canned, your fingers still warm from your own. The fire is small to avoid attention, one rabbit smoked at a time. 

Steve let you have yours first. He's chivalrous when he wants to be. 

"Maybe we're getting good at this," you say, turning your water bottle into your hand. The smallest splash you can manage wets your palms. You rub them together and dry them haphazard on an already dirty shirt from your backpack. 

"Yeah… maybe not," he says, shaking his rabbit skewer as it starts to smoke. "Shit. You made it look easy." 

"It is easy, Steve. Do you want me to do it?" 

He offers you the skewer, a sharpened, scorched stick you made in an attempt to be clean. You shuffle across the grass on your knees to take it, happy and sad at once when he touches your waist. You eat up any affection he's willing to give you (not much), but you feel disgusting today, worse now you know you're going to come on. 

You bite your top lip as you tend to his food. How do you tell him? You're going to have to, because right now you're in a vaguely safe area, and now you'll have to backtrack to the last place you went. You should've been looking for sanitary napkins or tampons or something anyways, just in case, even if you hadn't had your period for ages. 

"Steve, I… I think I've done something stupid." 

He scrapes his hair from his face. "That's unusual."

"No, I– I really have." 

Steve drops his hands into his lap, frowning, always frowning. "Lay it on me." 

You shift uncomfortably, focused on the heat of the flames not quite licking at Steve's skinned rabbit. How to phrase it? What would you have said before the end of the world. "I think it's going to be my time of month, soon. And… and I should've thought about it before, when we were near the mall still, or that house, but I didn't. I'm gonna need– you know. Things." 

Steve surprises you, shuffling closer, rather than away. Not that you were expecting him to treat you like a leper, but it's not a fun thing to tell someone. His hand again touches your side, fingertips brushing the tight wrap of your raincoat. "Are you in pain?" he asks. 

"A little," you answer, voice thick, talking before you've thought about what you're really saying, "I've had it way worse. I don't know why it stopped for so long." 

"You were probably too stressed," he says, his hand moving only an inch or two to cover your back. "Here, give me that." 

"Sorry, I know it's gross." 

"Are you kidding?" he asks, having taken the rabbit from your hands and laid it to rest on a clean stretch of hot stone. "It's not a big deal. Like, it is if you're hurting, but it's fine." 

"We'll have to go back," you lament. "I'm sorry." 

"Why are you so stressed about this?" Steve looks genuinely worried, his fingertips coasting a short path between your shoulder blades. Gentle, he starts to rub your back, goosebumps erupting along your skin at such a foreign sensation. "I took the same health classes as you did, I know you can't help it. Is this why you've been so slow today?" He doesn't wait for a response, only grins at his insulting, "I still have a square of Hershey's in my bag, did you want that?" 

"Tastes like chalk," you say. You'd love some chocolate right now, but you'd love it more if he stayed here rubbing your back forever. 

"You're not the only thing ageing badly." 

"Lowlife." 

"Wimp." 

"Dick," you mutter, closing your eyes as his hand skirts to the small of your back. 

"Is this helping?" he asks, matching your low volume. "We should go back anyway. Hole up in one of the houses by the elementary we passed." 

"I can walk. I'll be okay. I just need something to stay clean." 

"Okay. I'll get you what you need, don't worry. Don't worry." He hugs you very briefly, a quick squeeze against his side. "I'll make it suck as little as possible." 

You look up at him with evident relief. "Thanks, Steve." 

"We're in this together. Right?" 

"Right." You smile. Steve smiles back. You've caught him in a good mood tonight for sure because of your successful snares, but you're wondering if he would've been this good to you no matter what. Steve is a good guy when he isn't asking you if you just got off the imbecile train. 

"Will you finish that for me?" he asks, pointing at his rabbit. 

"Oh, yeah. Of course." 

When it's cooked, he insists you eat a little more of his. "You're gonna need the extra, yeah?" he asks, forcing strips of cooked meat into your hand. "Especially if we're walking back tomorrow." 

Steve hands you his last clean wash cloth before setting up for sleep. He might be understanding, but he doesn't seem to know what to say. You take it gratefully, and the brief squeeze he gives your shoulder even more so. 

[cumaeansibyl]

okay this is my biggest conspiracy theory except it's not really a Conspiracy Theory because I am not actually positing a shadowy prime mover who planned the whole thing from the start. that always ends up in wildly antisemitic places where I do not go, and also I don't think anyone in history has had their shit together enough to mastermind Schemes of this type. my theories are always more like "this happened serendipitously and at some point maybe someone noticed and took advantage but there's certainly no central figure in charge."

so we start with the normalization of overwork in our society, since roughly forever. in modern times this led to abuse of medical and recreational stimulants -- everyone was on speed in the 50s and coke in the 80s -- but we all kind of figured out that was a bad idea, for the most part. what we still had after the white powder settled, though, was caffeine. totally legal, totally normalized.

but people were still overworked, and they also still wanted to have energy after work, to do fun things with the little free time left to them.

enter energy drinks.

unlike coffee, which still has the feeling of a daytime beverage and also to some extent a workplace beverage, energy drinks are an anytime food! you can even get them in mixed drinks for a night out. they're for work AND play. they come in a wide range of dose strengths, including a shooter for when you're in really dire straits. after all, taking caffeine pills feels like "pill-popping," but having a little beverage is fine, right?

at the same time, there is increasing interest in remedies for a variety of unspecific ailments caused by "toxins," the new buzzword in a very old industry of patent nostrums and dubious cure-alls. the theory is that some sort of unspecified substance has entered your body, and in order to feel well again you need to detox and cleanse -- which in practice involves a lot of induced defecation. And this is supposed to be good for feelings of fatigue, muscle soreness, anxiety, stomach upset, and difficulty sleeping.

See where I'm going with this?

The "toxins" that make you feel terrible all the time are caffeine. Not heavy metals, or refined sugar, or vaccines, or yeast. It's just fucking caffeine.

Well, caffeine and chronic overwork/sleep deprivation, which is not entirely a direct result of the caffeine but is certainly enabled/exacerbated by it. Everyone is working too much and taking stimulants to get through the day and in fact experiencing mild overdose symptoms on a fairly regular basis (irritable? jittery? that's caffeine toxicity) and it's no wonder we all feel like shit.

And then! When you come home from your day of pushing your mind and body too hard! It is ALSO normalized to take downers to level out! Alcohol is also a toxin, and it takes a lot less of it to start doing systemic damage than most people realize. When you wake up in the morning feeling foggy and achy, it may not be enough to register as a proper hangover, but it's almost certainly the combined effect of alcohol and caffeine withdrawal. Both mild! Both nearly harmless and easily recovered from! If you're not doing it on a regular basis and if you're getting enough rest, which you're not, as we previously established.

It's the chronicity that's the issue, the neverending grind of it all. You can't recover from chronic sleep deprivation or overwork with an extra few hours of rest on the weekends. You can't recover from long-term chemical dependence with a 24-hour tolerance break. If you're a wage earner in late-stage capitalism your options for reversing the damage are pretty limited and they all look like deprivation: prioritizing an unbroken 8-9 hours of sleep per night may well mean giving up most if not all of your social life and leisure activities. Fuck that.

And to be clear, I don't consider choosing to stay out late with a vodka Red Bull to be a personal failure of any kind, just like I don't think poor people should never buy themselves anything nice. If work keeps trying to take more and more of your time, you gotta carve out time for yourself somewhere. But... y'all know me. I want people to know the risks.

I think a lot of people don't realize that their bodies are under this much strain. They don't know that we are better suited for a 4-6 hour work day, that 6-7 hours of sleep is genuinely not enough for most people, that as little as 2 cups of coffee might be enough to put them over the recommended maximum caffeine intake. They don't know that they're drinking enough alcohol to cause health problems.

If you know and you decide to do it anyway that's fine, it's your right. I do inadvisable shit all the time. But people don't know, they're not being told, because they can't be allowed to question the material conditions they're being forced to endure -- and then they're being sold a bunch of useless or even harmful bullshit to "cure" the inevitable consequences of those conditions.

[bamdelune]

In Hindsight 📹 Ch. 07: "when the clock strikes"

notes. long narration ahead. occurrence of the reader's symptoms (nosebleeds, headaches, feeling faint)

When Baizhu gave you the go-ahead to get discharged, you figured that it was only appropriate to go back to campus after a few weeks of rest. Thus why days later, on December 13 2022, you decide to come back after only attending classes from your bedroom. You could only thank your teachers that their materials were at least found online as well. You groan at the thought of the mountain of assignments and projects you had missed for the duration of your stay at the hospital.

When you enter your first lecture of the day, a swarm of students crowd your figure along with the concerned face of your professor. They exchange (more or less) well wishes for your health and you are bombarded with questions of what happened to you.

"I just needed a little time to rest, that's all!" was your excuse. You were not about to tell everyone and their mothers the exact reason why.

The school day passes by without anything significant happening, only the presence of a light headache began to form in the back of your head albeit, you try to push it out of your thoughts.

As you were leaving for the day, you bump into Kunikuzushi in the school courtyard.

"Sorry— Oh? Kuni?" From the past few weeks, he's taken the time to come by your place frequently to check on you and you were happy to say that you became fast friends. His little visits became somewhat a comfortable routine between the two of you. Which was enough to allow you the use of his nickname.

Kunikuzushi looks up from his tablet and his eyes widen a little. His purple hair slighty disheveled but somehow, it still looked good on him.

"(Name)?" He confirms.

"Didn't class just finish for you too? Where are you going now?" You ask, stuffing your earphones in the pockets of your pants.

He looks around for a bit, "Dr. Baizhu asked me to drop by today so I'm heading to the hospital."

"Ah." An idea pops into your head, "Hey, come to think of it, maybe I should come with you too."

Kunikuzushi sighs, "(Name). You just got out of the house today, are you sure you want to tire yourself out like this?" You then press a finger to his lips to stop him from continuing.

"I told you, I'm fine. Come on." Your hand falls and tugs at the gentle fabric of his long sleeve, dragging him away to where the hospital was a few blocks away.

The walk was short albeit filled with comfortable silence here and there. Both of you didn't have anything interesting to talk about but it was nice to know that the awkward ice the two of you shared has melted into a budding friendship with Kunikuzushi.

You have regretted a lot of things before. You regret letting Aether cook breakfast this morning, you regret picking up that totally random drink from your usual at the cafe, and lastly, you regret skipping the painkillers for the headache that was building up from this afternoon. The next thing you know, you stumble slightly beside Kuni and hold the wall of the walkway for support which doesn't escape the boy beside you.

"(Name), hey! What's happening?" He is quick to slip his hands around your side to support you a little while his eyes scrutinize your expressions for an idea of what you could possibly be feeling. You shake your head to dismiss him but then feel a wet sensation coming down from your nostrils.

Kunikuzushi swears, "Shit, you're fucking bleeding. Here, let me— hey, no, no. (Name), keep your eyes open just until I get you to the hospital."

Your vision fades in and out of blurriness as the headache you're experiencing is practically sending pangs of pain from every part of your skull, the nosebleed you have isn't helping a lot too.

You hear Kunikuzushi fumbling for his next course of action but it comes across as muffled. He hails a taxi that was just about to pass by and throws your arm around his shoulders as he lays you inside. You don't catch the driver's expression to know if he was surprised a half-conscious person with a nosebleed just entered his car with a slightly frantic intern of the hospital.

Kunikuzushi's POV :

Kunikuzushi paces outside the door to your room with Dr. Baizhu in it checking on your unconscious figure that laid peacefully on the hospital bed. His palms clammy, the intern doesn't bother to bring attention to the sore parts of his body.

Why was he worried?

He knew it was concern for you but was it really only just concern that came from someone in the medical field to a mere patient?

Or was it him letting down his walls, disregarding Baizhu's warning when he first started watching you.

He tried keeping his distance with you that day you all baked cookies, that this was the only time he was ever going to hang out this long with you.

But you.

You.

You had this energy, this aura that just acts like a magnet when it came to other people. Maybe that's why you were well-known as a singer-songwriter. You just attract. That's all there is to it. You were a magnet.

And unfortunately for Kunikuzushi, he is the south pole to your north.

And that's when it dawns on him that not only has he crossed the line when he considered you his friend, but when he started letting you get close to him as if your life wasn't on the clock with only ten months left.

synopsis. You are a singer-songwriter. Music has always been a part of you, it's a part of your identity that no one can ever take away. However, there's always a catch: you are diagnosed with a chronic illness that puts your life on a timer. Those who have heard your countless melodies have grown to notice that the notes on the sheet played a gloomier tune. Would the snarky and capable medical student you've met be able to bring life back into these melodies? Even as life begins to seep out of your own body? (scaramouche x gn!reader)

tags. gender-neutral reader, angst, fluff, crack, heavy contexts of death and illnesses, friends to lovers, slowburn, profanities, drinking (characters are in college), suggestive themes but no nsfw.

taglist. (open, reply or send an ask to be added) — @beriiov @alatusorrow @br0oke96 @ohmyfinggod @itzblazekun @featuredtofu @sketcheeee @lazy-sanns

masterpost ★ masterlist © bamdelune 2023. do not repost, translate, plagiarize any of my works without permission, thank you so much! reblogs, notes, and comments are always appreciated!

[nei-ning]

I got my depression medicine today. SUPER TINY PILLS! :D I take one pill per day (10mg) for a week and then 2 pills, either at morning or evening. I took first one today during early afternoon to see what kind of side effects I get. If bad, I could go to hospital to seek help instantly.

About 30min after taking the pill, my vision came very very VERY slightly blurry (for a short moment) when looking for too far. Like if looking at painting's frame, the outer edge of the frame looked very mildly blurred. Nothing more. After that started to come this feeling that my eyes are very tired, wanting to go to sleep but otherwise, nothing! I am RELIEVED! I honestly feared the worst symptoms (getting urges to harm / kill myself, nausea, diarrhea, throwing up, bleeding, fainting, heartbeat issues etc etc etc.)

But if the pills only make me tired I AM HAPPY about that! I take that any day! And since they make me tired, I know to take them in the evening for now. I just hope they also help me to fall asleep and sleep better.

Doctor also wants me to go to full blood test after a month (which is fine by me) and she will call me after 3 weeks to ask how I am doing with the medicine. After that I've no idea what's going to happen. Will I keep eating the pills for 6 weeks in total and then slowly start to drop them out or will I keep eating them the rest of my life? I hope not.

After all, I've been feeling so good this week (sleep issues still remain). I haven't taken my anxiety pill since Monday evening either since I haven't been needing them. I have been laughing, feeling happy and joyful, I've been able to do small tasks daily etc. even with these mild anxiety attacks (which I try to suffocate instantly when they rise). But I think one reason is the following which I have start to do since Tuesday: - I greet myself every morning via mirror (Good Morning, Beautiful) - I sing a mantra for 15-30 minutes - I do little exercises. Many different tiny moves for 15 min max. - I have given myself a little task each day: Do laundry, wash one cup, take out garbage, stretch your legs, spoil yourself with a feet bath etc. Something simple and small which makes me happy! - Meditate 15-30min before going to bed - In bed I listen either more calming / relaxing music or guided sleep meditation.

I also got text message from therapist. She asked me to fill this online application (which I did) and then call her so that she can check it and we can talk. I tried to call her twice today but she didn't pick up. I will try to call her on Monday. If she won't pick up, then I send her a text, asking her to call me back. I'm quite excited to be able to talk with her about all the things in my life :)

Also! When I went to get the pills from pharmacy, older lady worker spoke a long time with me. I told her about my symptoms, about my periods etc. She looked at me, bend towards me and said: "You know, all your symptoms sounds like they also could be result of the lack of iron in your body."

I was stunned so she continued. She told me that iron is the most important thing in woman's body and pretty much everything in our body depends on iron! She added: "I have experienced it all myself. But you also know what? When a woman is pregnant, she should eat iron so that the baby would get iron too. If the mother won't eat iron during the pregnancy, her baby won't get much iron either. No matter how much iron this baby would eat as an adult, it will never go to normal / high level. You never catch that normal level of iron."

That makes SO MUCH SENSE! I'm 100% sure mom ate badly (still does) when she was expecting my sis, me and my little brother. No wonder we all are "zombies" more or less.

I'm not saying getting and taking iron supplies won't help, since they do at least some, but the iron level won't get as high as it naturally should be if the mother ate iron during pregnancy.

[raid3r-r4bbit]

You should see a psychologist if you’re dreaming about OCs lol. Get a full eval cuz that shit is not normal.

I have no idea if your being funny or genuine or if you're being mean, I can't read tone over text.

It is completely fine to experience the occasional dream of fictional characters. Most people experience lucid dreaming at least once and upto 11% of people experience it regularly. Dreaming about people, places, or things that you think about often in your waking life, things you admire and love, things that you're afraid of or that stress you out is in actual EXTREMELY common.

So no, I don't think I'm going to get >another< full and total psychological evaluation done because I had a goofy dream about a character I made up telling me I'm shit at cooking.

I do however, have an extensive list of mental issues that I am very open about having, and am aware of them, and the effects they have an me and my life. Either way, please do not go and tell people they're "not normal" for having a weird dream once. You should be recommending people get psychiatric* help when they're exhibiting symptoms that are abnormal for them, or may potentially harm to themselves or others. And even then, I mention this because I don't have funny dreams like that often, this is probably the first time in a long ehile this has happened. (Night terrors sure, but again, been evaled for that already.)

Symptoms like:

-withdrawn or reclusive from social circles,

-refusal to or excessive eating

-mentions of suicide of self harm

-substance use, or excessive substance use

-sudden and/or extreme shift in personality (someone who is normally very polite becomes rude, etc.)

-sudden and/or extreme shift in lifestyles (a very active person suddenly refusing to exercise, etc.)

-manic behaviors like exsisive spending

-noticeable or rapid shifts in mood.

If you or someone you know is experiencing this please reach out to them or an appropriate health are professional, leaving vague anon messages does not help people seek medical care. Not only that, but you may cause people who have nothing wrong with them to believe they do. This is been a literal PSA. :^)

(Disclaimer: I am not a medical professional (technically) nor can I diagnose you. Not everyone expressing symptoms of a mental disorder has a mental disorder, and nor everyone with mental disorders is going to display the same symptoms to the same severity. Again, if you are concerned for yourself or someone you know seek help from a liscensed medical professional)

[void-687]

NO OKAY I NEED TO TALK ABOUT THIS

This is a legitimate problem in pediatric and youth medicine [at least in my experiences and those of others close to me]. Medical neglect of minors is HORRIFICALLY COMMON in the U.S. I cannot speak for other countries because I don't live there [obviously]. Still, I have experienced such a degree of medical neglect that many of my conditions became actively disabling before I got diagnosed.

I'm going to go through a list of bullshit doctors told me despite repeated complaints of consistent and often debilitating symptoms.

1. "Have you tried exercising more consistently?"

This is the question I would be asked to no end whenever I tried to explain my chronic pain and fatigue to my doctors. No matter how many times I tried to explain that the pain and fatigue would prevent me from exercising despite my motivation and time to do so, they wouldn't listen and blamed the pain and fatigue on my lack of activity. In my experience, doctors have a bad habit of seeing the cause of not getting enough exercise being because of a lack of exercise.

After MONTHS of badgering my GP I finally got referred for a blood test to check for iron deficiency anemia. And guess what??? I was so SEVERELY anaemic that they called me early to get me on iron supplements ASAP.

2. "You should change x/y/z about your diet."

I do not deny that your diet can absolutely have effects on your health, but when I'm trying to talk about my joint pain and fatigue it feels less relevant. Very often when talking about issues completely unrelated to diet or exercise they would manage to turn the conversation back around to it. I'm not even fat and only a few pounds medically "overweight". It's genuinely absurd how focused my doctors get on my weight. Additionally, we end up talking in circles about how exercise would totally improve my energy levels, except when I explain that exercise absolutely destroys my energy levels they just keep repeating themselves.

3. "It's just because of bad posture/sitting in chairs for too long."

Is the explanation I got from my GP for my back pain at the ripe ages of 6-14. No, I'm not joking. I had moderate to severe back pain since early childhood, and despite repeated attempts to get it checked out and even asking for an x-ray at one point, my worries were completely ignored and dismissed.

4. "You just need to move around more/ stretch more often."

The excuse I got for why my legs hurt so badly when I walked long distances, why my hands and wrists would ache from writing, why my pelvis bone hurt from sitting too long, and why my joints, in general, would be painful and unreliable. I once again feel it's important to mention I communicated to my doctor about these various pains since I was literally A CHILD.

There are more instances, but I don't want to get too personal/detailed. I am so frustrated by the medical neglect I have endured throughout the years because I can definitively say that my various conditions have worsened due to lack of treatment. If my doctors had listened to me when I told them I was in pain, I may not need to use a cane today. If they had believed me when I told them I was exhausted all the time and constantly felt dehydrated my anemia could have been addressed before it'd gotten life-threatening. If my family and doctors alike hadn't dismissed my back and joint pain as "growing pains" I may have even had a diagnosis by now. I still have yet to find a diagnosis and treatment for my back and joint pain, as well as chronic headaches. Social media has helped me acknowledge that I am disabled and learn that the pain I go through every day is not normal. I grew up in pain and was constantly told that what I was experiencing was fine and normal, but it wasn't.

It's not normal to be in pain every day. Your baseline shouldn't be "mild pain" it should be no pain. Your baseline shouldn't be "only a little tired", you should have enough energy to get through the day.

I wish someone had told me that when I was younger. And I really wish that they'd listened to me when I told them something was wrong.

it's so funny to me when i see pearl-clutching articles about how "teenagers are diagnosing themselves with mental disorders via tiktok" because like. this is not happening in a vacuum. teenagers are severely and i mean severely medically neglected. i cannot stress this enough. teenagers do not have free access to medical care. those same news outlets would be clowning on women with housewife psychosis in the 1950's.

i sometimes go pale when listening to some of what my friends have gone through in their childhoods and teenagehoods. they talk about it so nonchalantly, things that would be considered straight up torture if done to an adult, can't fathom the effect this has on children. they are on multiple anti-psychotics and several antidepressants and anxiety meds now that they are adults. medical neglect has legally and effectively disabled them. a timely diagnosis and intervention could have saved them. of course teenagers are self-diagnosing using tiktok. if your knee-jerk reaction is to scoff at the idea and dismiss it as dumb teenager shit instead of being radicalized because the best shot young people have at attaining the mental health support they need is a fucking dancing videos app, you're categorically a political enemy of the youth.

[a-weird-cryptid]

Accepting that I'm neurodivergent without any diagnosis

I know nobody cares about this, but fuck it. It's my personal blog after all. So why shouldn't I use it to update the 1% who does care about my mental health journey? Cause lemme tell ya': a lot has happened since my self-diagnosis series.

A quick recap:

I experienced many ups, but mostly downs regarding my mental health in recent years. I tried to get professional help/therapy so many times in so many different ways, but ALWAYS hit a dead end.

Teachers send me to my school's social worker. They sent me to a non-profit social worker organization. They told me to talk to my parents, who, btw, couldn't care less about my mental health cause I'm a "picture perfect totally normal child". So even when they talked to my parents, it lead to nothing.

Then I decided to directly go to my GP, only to feel misunderstood by them and not getting taken serious. I have the feeling they only wrote down half of what I was saying, only to then blame everything on my diet (I'm vegetarian). Despite me making it clear that I felt depressed and stressed because of school and my family.

Now to everything that has been happening since:

A few months ago, my insurance offered a new mental health program that they'd cover the costs of. It included a self-help app in combination with phone calls with a psychologist.

Generally speaking, I like my psychologist. Funnily enough she already flagged me as neurodivergent after just 20/45min during our very first call. She told me that I very likely have inattentive ADHD (or ADD, how it's still called in my region). I also told her about my suspected dyscalculia. An idea which she was surprisingly open about.

But even she didn't help me to find any places to get diagnosed from eithe, insisting I should simply ask my GP if they could find a place to get diagnosed from. Despite me clearly communicating that this isn't really an option for me. Neither is switching to another GP, because that would mean even more stress for me. Especially because I can't properly communicate with classic doctors and had a bunch of bad experiences because of it.

I wish I could get dyscalculia diagnosed, since the accomodations would benefit me a lot. I also want to get inattentive ADHD diagnosed, because my psychologist thinks medication could really help me. But it's simply not an option for me...

There's the issues of no "diagnostic places" being anywhere near me, extremely long waiting times with no guarantee to actually get diagnosed at the end, no information about whether or not my insurance would cover the costs of getting diagnosed, etc, etc, etc.

However, there's no need for me to get my suspected level 1 autism (or Asperger's, how it's still called in my region) diagnosed. I couldn't get much out of the advantages, but the disadvantages could disable me further. It still impacts my life in a negative way, don't get me wrong. But I can manage it by looking up coping skills online.

I tried to get professional help and the diagnosis I need. I really did. Multiple times over multiple years. But it all lead to nothing.

I think I'm fine with just saying I'm neurodivergent if it's ever brought up, as it could mean anything from autism to anxiety. (As far as I know) It's unspecified enough for me to not get imposter syndrome or get associated with self-diagnosers on TikTok/here who obviously fake their symptoms for cloud (e.g. ticsandroses).

But it still gets the message across that I'm wired differently and might not be capable of the things others do with ease. That I might need more help or understanding than others might. Based of experience, people also tend to be more understanding of your issues if you simply state them without any specific label attached. It's less stigmatized and not connected to as many assumptions.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Possible TW for medical trauma? I don't know, but looking for advice.

Can you be traumatised by things that aren't inherently traumatising? Like each little thing was fine on its own, but all added up, it becomes traumatic.

I've been disabled since birth and was raised in a way that demonised having help. It wasn't my parent's fault, they were told that the best thing for me was for me to be totally independent and walk, and even though that makes sense, I had to do daily physio, which only made things worse, and was criticised by family members and doctors when I started using mobility aids, even after my body literally failed on me and I was bedbound for months while trying to get a wheelchair. At 17, I was told by a neurologist that I should have been in a wheelchair since I started puberty, but the same neurologist put me in physio with people who wanted me walking independently and regularly accused me of not trying hard enough.

And that's ignoring the times I've been in hospital and dismissed by doctors saying my symptoms are all in my head, even to the point they wanted to send me home when I couldn't swallow water and even though they kept me in, I had two days without fluids and four without any of my important medications.

The thought of having an appointment with medical professionals literally terrifies me because it rarely goes well and typically ends with me being depressed for months. I basically tortured my body for years by trying to fit it into the mould physios set for me, and I've paid dearly for it, physically and emotionally. I almost feel like I will die one day because the doctors won't treat me when I'm in trouble.

I don't think all these things are traumatic on their own, but it feels like it's all added up to a whole host of medical trauma, even though it also sounds pathetic to me to refer to it as trauma when I've had worse happen to me.

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry about what you've been through. You and your disability deserve to be taken seriously, and I can't imagine the emotional, physical, and spiritual toll it must've taken on you to endure all the minimization and abuse that you've experienced, on top of the limitations of your condition.

Especially for people with complex trauma, the cumulative effect of experiences can be more traumatic then each one individually. Being subjected to an assortment of traumatic events can be incredibly challenging to deal with, and it's important to recognize that the effects can be just as severe, if not more so, than those of a single, isolated incident. While any single traumatic incident can be incredibly difficult to cope with, the effects of multiple traumas can be even more severe and pervasive.

But it's also worth noting that trauma cannot be measured by the events themselves. This is because there are different factors that affect people's resiliency (ability to cope with stress), making it so that some people may not be affected by events that deeply traumatize others and vice versa. So while these events absolutely could be traumatizing on their own, it's up to you to determine whether or not they were traumatizing for you.

It's also important to consider that especially with complex trauma, the cumulative weight of the traumas together can often overshadow the effect they have individually. In other words, it's possible that underneath the weight of their cumulative impact, these experiences could still be somewhat individually traumatic for you. I've found that after processing the most painful traumas, the impact of others are finally felt.

It's understandable to be terrified by the idea of seeking professional medical help given your past experiences. Unfortunately the medical field has a long way to come in terms of respecting people with disabilities. That being said, you still deserve the best care available, especially with your medical needs. At the same time, it's important to be patient with yourself as you process your trauma and feelings about getting care.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help you process your experiences and feelings surrounding it, and can also work with you to navigate medical care given the trauma you've experienced.

I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[considerablecolors]

thinking about how once curt starts treating barb a bit better and they become closer and are just peak adhd/autism solidarity so here's some Thoughts on neurodivergent spies (also ignore that half of these terms didn't exist back then it's fine shhh):

barb swaying on her feet and twirling her hair infodumping about technology and curt gets all excited and starts stamping his feet and talking about spy history

sometimes they'll have sessions where one of them just infodumps for a long-ass time while the other listens but sometimes their interests connect and they just. lose it. like curt is talking about ways to make learning languages easier and barb's like what if there was a device to automatically translate things for you and curt goes HOLY SHIT.

curt will pull barb aside sometimes and be like "does cynthia hate me or is it just the rsd" and barb's like "i thought you were into me for years do you think i understand social cues any better than you do???"

"hey curt i was talking with tatiana and telling her about this thing i do but she said most people don't do that. is this a Symptom?" "nah i do that all the time!" "oh god it IS a Symptom then."

barb. inventing. new stim toys. and curt gets to test them out first!!!

going out to dinner and barb being like "oh uhhhh-" because there's nothing there she can eat because Texture y'know but curt Gets It and just immediately is like "hey can we go somewhere else i don't really wanna eat here" so she doesn't have to say anything

curt gets injured all the time obviously and always hates certain bandages because Sticky Scratchy Texture y'know and barb just casually one day is like "i made a new type of bandage for you :)" and curt almost breaks down crying.

barb getting overstimulated sometimes from listening to all the noise happening during a mission while she's on call with them so curt sets up a way for them to just message on the watch so that when she needs it he can mute his microphone for her

owen asking barb questions to make sure he's understanding and treating curt properly. and curt finds out and is so touched.

owen being like "i'm glad you guys have each other but idk. i don't want to be mean at all but you guys always talk about shit that's supposed to be a symptom of neurodivergency but i mean i've experienced most of those things for my entire life and i'm neurotypical." "......you what." "oh god owen..."

owen "if i don't click my gun three times before each mission then Something Bad will happen idk what but i Can't start this mission until i've read this case file three times because three is a Good Number but that's all totally normal right" carvour going "i don't have ocd what are you talking about" "yes bud you do"

curt starts consciously setting aside time before missions for owen to compete any ritual he needs to feel comfortable

owen's very embarrassed by it at first but one day curt goes "hey. if three is the big number, then i better give you three kisses right?"

owen blushes very hard and refuses to admit it

they tell tatiana later and this prompts a bunch of friendly teasing because "how could you not realize that carvour lol. anyways can someone help me file this case file i'm not good with reading." "what do you mean?" "oh you know when you're trying to read and the letters are just floating around?"

"....tatiana."

curt and tatiana as dyscalculia/dyslexia buddies that help each other out. tatiana will help curt with math and curt helps tatiana with reading and writing, and it works out really well bc tatiana likes math and curt likes reading and writing <3

the Squad is having a conversation one day and the informant keeps clearing their throat. and everyone is just like "hey. you uh. you need a lozenge bro? you good? you need water? you need a cough drop? are you okay?" and everytime he's like "yes im fine haha don't worry about it"

but stuff like that Keeps happening

the gang chalk it up to just another quirky thing abt them until the informant gets really stressed out one day and is just clearing their throat Again and Again

this master of disguise has tourettes babeyyy

when they're in situations where she has to be quiet, she's just sitting there desperately holding her tics in. and the minute the mission is over, before they go out to celebrate they sit in the car for a minute and let the informant get everything out of their system

sometimes when he's in a crowd and the informant's ticcing is bad enough that he starts getting self conscious, everyone else just starts helping him cover them up

the informant, ticcing: "are you SURE this isn't annoying?" curt, playing with a very loud and squeaky tangle fidget toy: "i gotta be real with you i literally didn't even notice man."

it's not something they really talk about with anyone besides each other. but one day, without saying anything, they show up to an agency meeting and cynthia just goes "susan?" and susan brings out a little bowl of stim toys and just. sets them in the middle of the table.

everyone just casually grabs one throughout the meeting. cynthia does not address this but sue enough. every meeting afterwards there is always a bowl on the table.

"cynthia, may i ask-" "susan, when mega is playing with a fucking stretchy worm he is more focused on what i have to say than i have ever seen him. we are keeping them." "understood."

"....hey cynthia, can i-" "sure, take your pick susan."

[accelldraws]

I appreciate everyone's concern with her eating chocolate, but even assuming that dogs in their anthro-universe share the same chocolate (theobromine/caffeine) weakness that they do in our universe, it's still the dose that makes the poison, and she'd be fine with a few cookies!

YOU SHOULD STILL NEVER FEED YOUR IRL PETS CHOCOLATE!! The following calculation is just a hehe funny thought experiment! With that in mind...

tl;dr: if you think of her as just a really big our-universe dog, she can eat about 35.7 milk chocolate chip cookies, or 10.5 semi-sweet chocolate chip cookies to reach even half the amount of chocolate to cause mild symptoms.

"But Accell! how did you come up with this large and seemingly random number?," I hear you ponder. WELL I'M VERY GLAD YOU ASKED!! BUCKLE UP:

According to this random chocolate chip cookie recipe I found on google, 2 cups of chocolate chips makes 36 cookies. Then according to this other website, each cup of chocolate chips is 6 ounces. This means each cookie has (2 x 6 / 36) = ~1/3 ounce of chocolate.

The caffeine and theobromine in chocolate are toxic to dogs because dogs do not metabolize methylxanthines as well as people do. According to this random veterinarian manual, dogs start to show symptoms of nausea/vomiting at 20mg/kg of methylxanthines. So let's use half of that threshold - 10mg/kg - as a "safe" dose where symptoms are not likely to be shown.

Friday is canonically roughly 130lbs/59kg (she's 5'04). This means that assuming our 10mg/kg safe dose, she can consume 590 mg of methylxanthines (aka caffeine and theobromine combined) without experiencing symptoms.

Milk chocolate is 0.15% theobromine and 0.02% caffeine according to this research paper. This means in one ounce of chocolate, there is 0.0015 oz theobromine and 0.0002 oz caffeine. 1 oz ≈ 28.350g ≈ 28350 mg, so we're looking at 42.525mg theobromine and 5.67mg caffeine per ounce of milk chocolate. However, this FDA page says there's actually 44mg theobromine per oz of milk chocolate. I don't know which to believe and really can't be bothered to do more research, so let's assume worst case that it really is 44mg/oz. So in total we have 44 + 5.67 = 49.567mg total methylxanthines per oz of milk chocolate.

590mg allowed / 49.567mg per ounce = ~11.9oz of chocolate that she can eat while being at half the threshold for mild symptoms. If you remember from before, each cookie has 1/3 oz of chocolate, so each oz of chocolate makes 3 cookies. So under this math she would be able to safely eat 11.9 x 3 = 35.7 milk chocolate chip cookies!

Now semi-sweet chocolate, another popular cookie chocolate, has around 3.4x the theobromine that milk chocolate does, according to the aforementioned FDA page. So if we assume that theobromine and caffeine are in relatively similar proportions between chocolate types, she'd be limited to 10.5 semi-sweet chocolate chip cookies. And even for humans, eating 10.5 cookies is not very healthy!

Now quick caveat in anticipation of someone pointing this out, yes - methylxanthines have a pretty long half-life in dogs, so after eating 35.7 milk chocolate chip cookies, she'd have to go a few days without any more chocolate ingestion before eating more.

Buuuuuut since she exists in my universe. I also just get to handwave dog-chocolate toxicity entirely by saying that their biology lets them eat normal human food without issue >:3

Thank you for listening to my Ted Talk! Remember it's the dose that makes the poison, and DO NOT give your irl pets chocolate!

she made some to share!

[tfw-adhd]

hey! so for some reason my natural interests have led me pretty far into the adhd side of tiktok, and almost everything people are saying are symptoms of their adhd is just super relatable to me. of course I know that behaviours can be experienced regardless of neuro patterns and just because adhd behaviours are relatable doesnt equal adhd. I also really dont like to self diagnose. but I've been researching a lot and from everything I've read, thinking back on my life and especially the past year or so make me think that..maybe I might have adhd? possibly? I'm 21 and live in the uk, if that's relevant

all I'm really asking is: do you think its worth going to my GP and asking to get assessed or whatever, or am I just overthinking it and getting paranoid for no reason?

(sorry if this is a dumb or offensive question to be asking. from what I've seen of your account you seem really nice so I thought it might be worth reaching out. also sorry for rambling, I didnt mean this to be so long. feel free to ignore this ask though if you dont feel comfortable answering!)

You're totally fine, don't worry! And I'm glad I seem nice xD

Yeah, I'd totally talk to a GP about it if I were you. The UK isn't too bad for getting a diagnosis - we're not a country that won't test anyone over the age of 18, and we have the NHS so it's not horribly expensive (unless you do it privately, which can be faster as it only takes a few months max.). Be warned that the average time for getting a diagnosis is around 3 years over here, though.

Overall, it's up to you. They might not be able to do much to help you because you're an adult, but... personally, I like the idea of just knowing I'm not imagining there's something different about me. Being given an explanation for the way you think and act can be comforting.

[vtforpedro]

health/medical update

thank you all for your comments on my last post. I'm sorry I didn't reply, but they meant a lot to me. it's kind of blahhh being told you probably need brain surgery so I was digesting that. and digesting the appointment at the big neuro hospital shortly after! that was an appointment a long time coming, jfc. I brought along a copy of my diary of symptoms, but going in alone is still not great. anyway, I met the doctor and she was pretty nice. I started telling her my story and all the things I've been experiencing for over two years and about halfway through she was like 'ok! so I'm not an expert in IIH' 🙃 like I specifically made sure I would see an expert in IIH because I have fucking IIH. but she said something shocking right after. shocking in that I've not experienced it from any other doctor before and shocking in its simplicity 'but dr so and so is! so tell me the rest of your story and symptoms and I'll go grab him to go over it all and bring him in here' like whaaaAAAAAAA a doctor immediately admitting they don't know the answers so they're gonna get someone who does? RIGHT THEN AND THERE? insanity. bizarro world. it shouldn't feel that way, but unfortunately, it does. still, I was thrilled by this lmao we finished with my story and symptoms and meds, she did a typical neuro exam, then went and grabbed him. he came in, was really nice, holy shit intelligent, and yeah, an expert in IIH. he spent 35 minutes in the room with me, the other doctor, and my mom was on the phone basically he said 'yeah babe you've got IIH let's diagnose and fix ya' (but more professionally). I do have to get the LP because just in case it isn't IIH, which it totally is because I have almost every single symptom and he agrees, but he said he'd treat my migraines regardless. probably botox injections every three months, which are incredibly helpful for migraines from what I've heard my shitty ass neurologist was titrating me up on the med that helps IIH but I didn't take the higher dose in the morning mostly because 1. the scary ass MRI report about significantly decreased spinal fluid (neurosurgeon was like yeah ok but not really you're fine) 2. if I'm gonna get an LP, do I want to go up on the med that has already given me relief and get like a false normal reading? he said 'you're very intelligent' sksksksk and preferably he'd like to do LPs before the med for that reason, but I'm on such a low dose it should still read high regardless as far as brain surgery goes! the first doctor I met literally blinked and reared back when I said my neurosurgeon said I gotta get a shunt in my brain cause it's the only treatment for IIH she said no????? we have so many more things we could try first and you are SO YOUNG. so apparently shunts are life-long. I thought they could come out if there was no need for them anymore, but guess not. she said that they get infected, they break, they need replaced, they don't last long (eight years on average for adults but that's average. brain surgery over and over again is a Scary Thought) the other doctor said the exact same thing. they're like some people just need LPs regularly (1x a year, 4x a year), some are good on low doses of the med, some are good on extremely high doses. IIH is a finicky bitch and affects everyone in wildly different ways. he said he can't say I'll never need a shunt, but definitely not right now I told them 'yeah I was kind of hoping more weight loss and a higher dosage could be tried first???' and they both said YES so brain surgery is off the table and I'm kind of mad at my neurosurgeon for scaring the shit out of me lmao I told my mom I wonder if he said it as a dramatic fear tactic to make me get the LP and then would've been like 'oh nah you don't need surgery' after but 😒 fucking doctors this dr I will be seeing now complimented me numerous times. like what. that's new too. me knowing anything about the condition I have was intimidating to my neurologists, which is super hilarious and depressing looking back. he liked that I did tho. he said it was smart

to look for an emergency ophthalmologist when my eyes went batshit and to do it again or go to the ER if they do it again lmao but he said the fact that there's no swelling on my optic nerves yet means I'm probably not at risk of going blind anytime soon I have tons of visual disturbances which is exhausting and stressful, but as long as I am vigilant about the warning signs and get this LP and maintain a dosage of the med that makes the symptoms better, I should be ok that way? god hopefully. the alternative is terrifying I may also just have these symptoms forever. a lot of times this shit never goes away, which is also terrifying and I can't live like this for the rest of my life even if there's slight improvement. so I just have to hope this plan works for me anyway so I wasn't even halfway through writing this and had planned to complain that medical offices are still gonna medical office b/c I haven't been called about scheduling the LP or any other referrals he put in when they called me to schedule the LP lol now it's scheduled and I'm gonna have a cry after this they said I might not be able to do conscious sedation, which is weird b/c two neurologists said that'd be fine, but I literally have no idea how I am possibly going to get through it without any aid. you have to relax so they can do it properly or they won't be able to and I will absolutely not be able to relax. I have severe medical trauma and have worked up so much fear over this procedure that??? there's just no way. they asked if I could take an ativan beforehand since I'm on it already and I'm like buddy I've been on it so long it does not do what you want it to do anymore lmao so yeah. no idea how I'm going to avoid a panic attack because of IVs first, getting into the CT room, The Procedure. like good fucking luck to y'all and to me x_x sorry for rambling. I'm so fucking tired and my head is getting bad again. I had a brief respite of not feeling like I'm dying constantly but it's coming back now. super scared I'll be in a 'respite' period in a month, when the procedure is, which would mean a lower pressure reading. please cross your fingers for me weird to hope I'll be in incredible agony that day but I do hope so lol this is the most positive this experience has been with doctors and a plan moving forward. and he did say he'd treat me anyway if the pressure is normal because I have migraines regardless. so some tiny glimmer of hope I never ever trust first impressions with doctors anymore after the last two years of my life, but I hope this works out. donno what I'll do if it doesn't thanks for listening. love you all so much and I hope you're well. take care <3

[imjustaf444keriguess]

oh boy this is long i do not have the brain power or energy to argue properly but like...

what if someone was plural and felt euphoria and joy in being themselves as multiple people? what if they experienced a form of plurality that wasn't caused by a disorder?

OCD isn't the only way you can have compulsions, depression isn't the only reason you might feel apathetic and down in the dumps, and DID/OSDD isn't the only way to have a plural identity. does that make sense?

being plural is a complex concept that is extremely personal too. it can be defined by euphoria and feeling comfortable in your own skin. as a system who has trauma, it's weird for you to insist that systemhood is defined by trauma alone. our experience as a system is not constant suffering, just like how our experiences with gender isn't constant dysphoria.

you're acting like it's so different but to me it's like "no listen MY bigotry is GOOD because i think this thing is SOLELY this one thing and can never be different! if you're different and don't experience my agonies you're just a faker"

transmeds would look at me not wanting to get surgeries and call me fake because i don't experience "real dysphoria" with my body, and that i'm claiming to be a trans person without suffering like they do.

i see the exact same thing with sysmeds, except with something that's still considered part of a disorder* in the DSM, so others are allowed to be hateful towards people with similar experiences of plurality because it's totally part of a disorder and can't be anything outside of that. it's not like most other disorder symptoms are experienced in non-disordered people sometimes! that never happens!

(* i think gender identity disorder is still technically a disorder bc of medical stuff but i also think that's a fine thing to have in the DSM, struggling with your identity and feelin like shit because of it and needing medical treatment for your gender and body is a valid experience. it's just not the only gender experience, same with plurality and systemhood)

tldr look in the mirror and reread your texts a bit because you really sound like a transmed just for systemhood

What the fuck is a sysmed.. You mean to tell me we're medicalizing... a medical disorder..? Oh no oh jeez so scary be careful I might TRAUMATIZE you with my SYSMED-NESS 😱😱😱😱

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter six - “lake, the sequel”

delicate masterlist

word count: 1.7k

synopsis: reader seeks out bucky after his dramatic exit and they find themselves earnestly conversing... back at the lake

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

[A/N]: this story is available on my wattpad as a bucky x OC fic @ / typicaldaze :)

He didn't like this feeling. No, he didn't like this feeling at all. He hated it, in fact. It was betrayal, bodily betrayal. He just could not sit in that room any longer or he would've peeled his skin off. His lungs felt as if they were bound with barbed wire and the state of his stomach had him worried he was going to throw up. Most of all he felt guilty. How could he have just stormed out of the room like that? She was going to hate him now. How could he let this happen?

He was thinking this over whilst sitting at the lake, hands in the grass, trying to distract the physical body from the mental cacophony he had just endured. He had somehow found his way there after leaving Y/N. These extremely unpleasant sensations were unfamiliar. Was he sick? Could he have been drugged? He was so confused. Bucky realized he seemed to be confused most of the time. Following that realization, he became mildly pissed off.

The super soldier stared out at the lake. It was a calm day, the water tranquil and clear. It was a stark contrast against his stress. He leaned forward and looked into the water at his reflection.

"Damn," he said out loud.

Is that really what I look like now?

His eyes traced over the long shaggy hair, dark under eyes, and the subtle but noticeable worry lines. This sight reminded him of when he broke the mirror at his old place in Bucharest. Now he remembered why. God, he looked as fucked up as he was. He leaned back and tossed a stone at where his reflection had been.

A deep sigh left his lungs, which were now conveniently working properly.

"Fuckers," he muttered, referring to the mercurial organs.

He had spent nearly two years alone in Bucharest, and he had grown accustomed to living in this new body. He was always on edge, that much he could tell. However, he was never too introspective; he never thought about his feelings or his behavior. All he was focused on was surviving. When there is more to life than survival, that's when things get complicated... not that they weren't complicated before. God, he was running in circles inside his own mind. His scarred and ruined and manipulated mind that resided in this body that was used as a tool for destruction and violence and death-

"Hey."

His head whipped around, startled out of his thought frenzy. Always on edge. Mentally, he shook his head in disappointment.

"Oh! (Y/N)!"

He stood up immediately. "Listen, I'm so sorry about before, I don't know what-"

"It's okay," she said quickly, holding up her hands. "Bucky, you do not need to apologize, everything is totally fine."

He was taken aback. Words didn't seem to work.

"I'm not mad if that's what you were thinking," she said.

"You're not?"

"No, of course not. If anything I was worried."

"I- Worried?"

"Yes, you were clearly in distress, and that room was the last place you wanted to be. I'm glad you found your way back here because you look much better now," (Y/N) explained with earnest eyes.

She could tell he was freaked out? She probably thinks he's insane.

"Yeah, I... I think I'm better now."

He was far from okay, but definitely better than before.

The psychologist sat down next to where he was standing. He didn't move, but looked down at her.

"I don't think it'd be wise to leave you alone here considering you're supposed to be in a session with me right now and you can't go anywhere without an escort. It would most likely lead to suspicion and then trouble you don't need. I'm going to stay with you. We can continue the session if you'd like, but if not we can just sit."

She said this all while looking straight forward at the water.

In all honesty he wasn't sure what to say, so he settled with a breathy, "Okay," before sitting down next to her.

"I'm getting the vibe that this is more of a just sit situation..."

"Yeah... I think I'm all therapy-ed out for today," Bucky said in a meek attempt at a joke.

Out of the corner of his eye he saw a wide smile. He then realized that she didn't know he could see it, and that's why this smile seemed different. Most differents in Bucky's life hadn't been outstandingly pleasant. But this was a welcome different. This was a good different. It was genuine and unbridled. That was the most open he'd ever seen her.

Every now and then he forgot that he was a literal trained super spy. He may not have any PhD's, but he had his own way of reading behavior, cues, and subtleties. Perhaps he'd make an effort to be more observant. Perhaps he wanted to learn a little more about what else was behind this new different.

A few beats of comfortable silence passed before he heard the word again.

"Hey," (Y/N) started softly. "I'm sorry if I went a little too far today. I know I said our first session wouldn't be much, but I realize I was pushing too far."

"Oh, it's okay," Bucky replied, looking down at the grass between his knees. "I think it's more my fault anyway. It's not like the questions were super intense."

He let out a loaded sigh. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

"Bucky it's really okay. If it's anyone's fault it's mine. This whole process is supposed to be based on your comfort levels and at your own pace. And there's nothing wrong with you. Your reaction was completely normal given the circumstances."

Bucky wasn't terribly familiar with reassurance. He turned his head, looking at her dead on. She was so genuine, like she knew all of what she was saying was the all encompassing truth.

Echoes of different combinations of "there's nothing wrong with you" and "completely normal" and "your own pace" flitted around inside him until they melted into a feeling he hadn't felt in so long: hope. It was horrifying... yet it gave him a kind of relief he didn't know he could feel.

The super soldier then realized that (Y/N) was looking right back at him dead on. He was about to stumble through some sort of apology for staring or thankful expression for her kindness, but he noticed that she didn't look like she was necessarily waiting for a response. She was just... looking.

Bucky tried to say something, anything. But he just couldn't seem to pull his eyes away. In this brief moment, he felt crystallized. His conscious, logical brain was somewhere far away, hypnotized by the stillness of the moment. It was only a few seconds, but somehow felt longer. These very few seconds of mental sedation were soon over.

Speak, idiot.

He snapped back to reality, suddenly finding himself inspecting at the grass below him.

"Thank you."

"Of course," she replied without missing a beat. Her tone of voice was water soft.

"(Y/N), do you... do you know what happened with me earlier?" he asked, cautiously. "Like, what was wrong- I mean, not wrong but why I-"

He sighed frustratingly, cutting himself off.

Her face was patient, but she was waiting for a description of something he didn't know how to describe.

"I know I said we were done for today, but I-I don't know how to explain it, and I want to know what it is," he confessed.

"I think you had an anxiety attack."

Anxiety? That couldn't be right. There's no way that could've been from being nervous.

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"Anxiety. It seemed as though you were experiencing high amounts of anxiety. Most people get nervous at times, but those tiny amounts are normal. But, some other people are a lot more nervous a lot more of the time. Sometimes, these peoples' anxiety can get particularly high and be so overwhelming that their body kinda takes over, and they can experience really uncomfortable physical symptoms, and this can turn into an anxiety attack."

"I thought I was... sick or... or drugged or something."

"Well, I'm almost certain you weren't drugged, and I'm pretty sure you can't even get sick."

"Oh."

He honestly didn't know what to say.

"Bucky," she looked straight at him again and he almost felt himself slipping. "In terms of psychology, a lot has progressed since the 40's. I'm not sure how anxiety was presented or studied then, but there's really a lot more to it than people think. And honestly, given your situation, it would be strange if you didn't develop an anxiety disorder."

Anxiety disorder?

"Anxiety disorder? I have that?"

"Well, again, I think we have to do more work to confirm, but that's what it seems like."

"I thought you said I had PTSD?"

"I do. I think you have both."

Christ.

"Wow, I'm a whole sack 'a problems, aren't I?" he chuckled, giving up on trying to internally oppose his short comings.

"You're not a problem, Buck. You had to deal with a whole sack of problems, though," she smiled.

The nickname didn't miss his radar. Was that the first time she's called him that? He ignored how he liked it.

"That's for damn sure."

They conversed for a while after that, and didn't seem to notice how late it was until the sun began to set. The ending day's reflection on the water created an aura so relaxing Bucky didn't want to move. But alas, reality calls.

(Y/N) stood up. "If you're not back soon, they'll start looking for you. We should probably get going."

Bucky stood up, too, following her request.

"I'll walk you back to your quarters," she offered.

And so they went, conversation continuing naturally, as if they were old friends. Bucky found it strange that someone he knew so little was so easy to talk to. He brushed it off as some inherent therapist quality.

He still found her hard to read although he knew her more with each passing word between them.

Despite all of this, the walk back, with cool air, a melting sky, and languid steps, was the best thing he had experienced since coming out of cryo. His memory may be spotty, and his mind may be rough, but this, this he was sure of.

[whumpmatsus]

Yesterday I took the second coronal vaccine, totally fine until I woke up at 3:30 am feeling like shit, no one was home and I didn't know how to take care of myself so I just took a fever' medicine and tried to go back to sleep, was cring while calling mommy.

my fever dropped down yet I still feel the pain killing me and I have to go to school.

Now I want one of the brothers to feel my pain 🙂

awwww I'm sorry you went through that, hun! my second vaccine I was similar, feeling fine until I woke up in the middle of the night all nauseous and congested, thankfully I'd taken off of work for a couple days in advance in case I got side effects

I was almost normal by the end of the day though, it sucks you were still feeling bad and had stuff to do! this got sent like two weeks ago so I certainly hope you're feeling better now and you weren't miserable too long <3

... I decided on Osomatsu bc I've been feeling them Oso girl vibes lately, plus he's sooooo much a mama's boy it seemed to fit haha

I also decided to use side effects for the flu shot instead of the COVID vaccine, just because I'm uncomfy using current events in my fictional writings, but the gist is still the same

I may have taken a few liberties with the side effect symptoms, but hey, it's different for everyone, right? it's also funny that all the brothers got hit by one symptom worst, but poor Oso got hit by all of them XD

there's some Allmatsu slipped in here, but also Matsuyo babying her oldest boy a bit!

hopefully you enjoy your Oso suffering, I loved writing it!!! =)

-

Being alone in the house for once, it’s a miracle that Osomatsu was able to sleep at all.

When he wakes up, the clock blinking at him that it’s sometime around 3 in the morning, he almost forgets that he’s by himself, until he feels that the rest of the futon is empty. Everything trickles back pretty quickly ― why none of his brothers are around tonight.

Choromatsu is at an idol convention that’s pretty far out of town. Karamatsu is staying at a local hotel for a few days’ worth of music performances. Jyushimatsu is away for a week visiting Homura at her parents’ house in the country. Totty’s having a grown-up sleepover at a friend’s place. And Ichimatsu volunteered for an overnight shift at the animal shelter because one of the cats he’s been looking after wound up there.

For the record, there’s very little Osomatsu hates more than being all by himself in the futon. Even though it gives him a chance to spread out and sleep however he likes, it makes him feel lonely. He’d rather be huddled up with everyone than have all this empty space.

To make things worse, when he wakes up alone, he wakes up feeling like shit.He remembers not really drinking that much last night, so it can’t be a hangover… but… he did just get his yearly flu vaccine yesterday afternoon. The pharmacy tech who gave him the shot warned him that he might feel a little bad the next day or so, like he has a weak version of the flu. Annnnd… he’s pretty sure there was a sheet that was given to him that explained benefits, possible side effects, and a list of things that he should go to the doctor if he experienced.

Although he can’t remember where he put that paper, he’s sure that’s why he’s feeling so crappy right now.

The area of his arm where he got injected is stiff, and trying to move it makes him want to cry. There are aches creeping out into the rest of his body, including his head pounding. His stomach is swirling with nausea as soon as he sits up, and for a brief moment he’s convinced he’s going to be sick.

After he puts a hand against his forehead to try and will it to quit hurting, his palm comes back damp with sweat. Shit… do I have a fever? That’s no good either; fevers always make him feel vaguely panicky and uncomfortable in the most horribly nonspecific way.

“Mmm… Mom…?” he calls, but his voice comes out sounding hoarse and raspy. It hurts to talk, so he doesn’t think he can raise his voice more than this. “… Mom?”

Usually if one of the sextuplets calls for their mom, Matsuyo hears them and is in their bedroom only a moment later. At the very least, she calls back that she’s coming. Instead, the house is completely silent. It’s borderline eerie, especially to Osomatsu’s foggy mind.

Then it hits him; their parents are away, too. They went on vacation for a few days, just a short trip to rekindle their romance. So… he really is all by himself right now.

To try and keep himself calm, he does his best to breathe, except as soon as he starts to focus on it, he realizes his nose is plugged. Ughhh. He sniffles for a minute, seeing if he can get a good breath in. It’s kind of hopeless.

Okay, okay… breathe through your mouth then, dumbass. Don’t get all worked up. Just… fuck. Think about what you’d do if one of your brothers woke you up feeling like shit. How would you take care of them?

… It’s hard. Even though he could take care of someone else, it’s infinitely more difficult when he’s the one trying to take care of himself. His brain is all clouded and despite the fact that he knows it’s not serious, he’s probably not actually sick, he feels so terrible it’s making every idea a struggle.

He can’t call any of his brothers. They’re all out enjoying their own things… what kind of awful person would spoil his little brothers’ good times like that?

With that being said, he’s not really sure how to take care of himself. The only other options available are to go back to sleep, which he’s certain he can’t do at the moment, or… call his mom.

Although he hates to interrupt his parents’ vacation like this, he’s got his phone and is dialing Matsuyo’s number before he knows it. He won’t keep her awake for too long, just long enough to get some advice on what to do. She’s the only one he’s really okay with seeing or hearing him be really vulnerable, because even though he’s the oldest of her children… she’s still his mother.

Still, he can’t help but feel just a little guilty when her tired voice comes crackling through the phone. “Osomatsu?”

His arm is sore, so he puts the phone on speaker and sets it down on his lap. “Hi, Mom. Sorry I woke you up.”

“No, no, don’t worry. It’s okay.” She must hear the fatigue and congestion in his voice, because it sounds like she immediately perks up. “Is everything alright?”

The way her voice is already laced with concern makes his throat tighten. He woke her up in the middle of the night, when she was trying to sleep, on vacation, and she doesn’t even sound mad. He blinks away hot tears that have welled up fast, and they have nowhere to go except to drip down his cheeks. “I don’t feel good,” he croaks, reaching up to rub at his eyes.

Damn. What kind of stupid baby am I, crying over this…?

If it’s at all possible, Matsuyo’s voice softens even more. “Ah, honey. Are you sick? Do you need Dad and I to come home?”

“N-no!” His response is instant and visceral, though it probably sounds pathetic because he’s starting to cry. “I… I don’t think it’s… that bad. I just… I woke up and I… I’m all… my arm hurts, and I’ve got a really bad headache, I’m sweating and shivering at the s-same time, my stomach hurts…”

“Oh, dear.” She clicks her tongue. “… Hm. You and your brothers got your flu shots yesterday, didn’t you?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s probably why you’re not feeling well. Are you having any trouble breathing?”

“I-I mean… only ‘cause my nose is stuffy. I can still breathe through my mouth and it’s not… like… I can breathe.”

“Are you dizzy or weak?”

He has to pause for a second to figure how to answer that. “N-no… not really. Just kind of… achy.”

“Are you running a temperature?”

“I… I dunno. I think, maybe.”

“Okay, well, if you think you are, you should probably go check it to make sure it’s not too high. Do you want me to stay on with you while you do that?”

“Y-yeah… I guess. I just…” It takes all his strength to get to his feet, and his headache is still pounding away once he does. At least his sinuses clear up a bit when he’s standing. “I know I take care of my brothers all the time… but… I-I don’t… I don’t really know how to take care of myself when I don’t feel good…”

Matsuyo sighs softly. “Oh, Osomatsu, sweetie. That’s normal. It’s harder to take care of yourself than it is to take care of someone else; sometimes you don’t think right when you aren’t feeling well. Go take your temperature, and we’ll go from there, alright?”

“Okay…”

Getting to the bathroom is kind of a battle. Every part of his body just feels so heavy, and he keeps wanting to fall asleep right against the wall. By the time he gets into the bathroom and turns the light on, he’s drained from the walk.

Trying to open the medicine cabinet, he gets a glimpse of himself in the mirror and has to cringe. He just looks shitty ― pale and sweaty, his face flushed like it’s been barely kissed by the fever, eyelids drooping with exhaustion. He looks like some kind of hilarious caricature of a sick person on a Saturday morning cartoon.

Everything rattles in the cabinet for a moment before he finds the thermometer, and gives it a brief rinse before sticking it in his mouth.

He continues to make small noises of discomfort the whole time, and Matsuyo continues to offer gentle coos of encouragement. Finally the damn thing beeps, prompting him to pull it out.

“Osomatsu? What does it say, honey?”

“Mmh, it’s, uh…” The bleariness from being so tired forces him to squint at the screen. “37.8.”

When his mother speaks, she sounds relieved, which makes him feel a little better. “Oh, that’s not too bad. Anything under 38 is low-grade, which combined with everything else means you’re probably just feeling some side effects from the shot. The fever is what’s making you feel bad more than anything, I’d guess.”

He tears off a square of toilet paper to wipe away the leftover tears, still incredulous over the fact that something so simple and dumb made him cry. “So… what do I do? I mean… can I take anything?”

“Of course. If you can manage it, have a few crackers and take two paracetamol, alright? That should keep the fever from making you too uncomfortable.”

“… Ugh.” The thought of food right now isn’t really what he wants to hear. “Do I… have to eat anything?”

“Aaah, I know your tummy is a little upset, but… taking painkillers on an empty stomach isn’t a good idea, sweetheart. It might not get absorbed correctly, and it might make you more nauseous.”

Well… he supposes when she puts it that way, he should just suck it up and have a couple crackers, then. “Okay. Should I do anything else, or…?”

She hums in thought. “I can’t think of much else that would help. Taking the medicine and trying to go back to sleep is your best bet. You can put the hot water bottle on your tummy, if you want. Just make sure it’s not too hot. And you can put a cold cloth on your forehead if you feel warm. Rest will help you more than anything, I think.”

“Okay… I guess you’re right. I just don’t feel good, Mom.” He knows he’s said that several times already, and it sounds so babyish,but he can’t really think of how else to express it.

“Oh, honey, I know. Do you want me to stay up with you for a little bit? I don’t know if a lullaby will work over the phone, but, I can give it a try.”

He shakes his head even though he knows she can’t see it. “No… I’ll be okay. I’m just gonna… eat some crackers and take those pills and lie down. You should go back to sleep, too.”

She chuckles. “Don’t you dare worry about me. I’ll be back out as soon as my head hits the pillow. Are you sure?”

“Yeah… I’m gonna go try to just… take care of myself.”

“Okay, sweetheart. But you call me again if you need anything, alright?”

“Mhm, I will. Thanks for helping me.”

“Of course, my poor boy. Try to get some sleep. I love you.”

“Love you too, Mom. Night.”

Once he hangs up, the house feels too quiet again. It reminds him of those horror movies where someone wakes up in the middle of the night and starts walking around and the monster sneaks up on them without any noise and before they know it, the monster’s got them.

So begins the long trek downstairs after he puts the thermometer away and gets the paracetamol from the cabinet. Now he can’t ever tease Totty again for being afraid of the dark and monsters and all that shit, because he has to peer around the stairway to make sure something isn’t waiting for him at the bottom of the steps.

Thankfully, when he opens the fridge, he discovers a couple bottles of some off-brand sports drink; his mind dredges up a memory of Jyushimatsu telling him a while ago that those are good for sick people. That stuff keeps you hydrated and helps settle your stomach.

So he manages to get two pills swallowed, then forces a handful of senbei crackers into his mouth. Even though they don’t taste good, he’s crossing his fingers that it’ll keep him from feeling too sick from the medicine.

Even the kitchen is too lonely. He takes the rest of the bottle with him, just in case he wakes up again and needs a sip of something to be able to go back to sleep.

Being faced with the empty futon once more makes him almost burst into tears. Seeing nobody in it makes his stupid mind see everyone in it, like they all should be, squished up against each other. He can imagine Ichimatsu at the very end, pretending he’s not cuddling up to Karamatsu. And Choromatsu near the other end, being a good sport about Jyushimatsu curling up against him. And of course Totty right there next to Osomatsu, snuggling against his oldest brother for warmth on a chilly fall night.

He lowers himself down into the futon, but doesn’t actually go horizontal. The phone trembles in his hand, and he can’t stop himself.

-

“Mmmh, Osomatsu-nii-san?”

“Hey, Totty. U-uh… sorry… I probably woke you up, huh?”

“It’s okay. Actually, I’m… I’m kind of glad somebody called. I don’t wanna embarrass myself by waking up my friends, but… i-it’s kind of dark and I have to pee… I know you can’t actually come over, but just talking to you would be enough. Could you maybe… stay on while I go?”

“Oh… yeah, sure. I’ve got nothing better to do than listen to you take a piss in the middle of the night.”

“Oh, haha, so funny. I’ll be fast. Hey… is everything okay? You sound all stuffy.”

“Yeah, I’m good. Just… flu shot side effects making me feel crummy. Everyone else got theirs yesterday too, so I just… thought I’d check on you guys since I woke up feeling like shit.”

“Huh. Well, I feel okay. My arm’s a little sore, but beyond that I’m good.”

“Good.”

“Aaaah, okay, I’m done now. Can you stay on while I walk back to the other room?”

“Yeah, no worries. I hope you can get back to sleep pretty fast.”

“Ugh, me too. It was hard to go back to sleep with my arm hurting and being too scared to go pee. Thanks for checking on me.”

“Hey, what else are big brothers for?”

“Mmh, thanks anyway, though. Goodnight, Osomatsu-nii-san.”

“Night, Totty. Sweet dreams.”

-

“Aaaah, Osomatsu… yaaaawn… is everything alright, dear brother?”

“Oh, uh, yeah. Yeah, everything’s fine, Kara. I just… miss you guys, since it’s just me in the house. I woke up and… forgot I was all by myself, pfft.”

“Hmph. I suppose I understand that. In my case, I do not believe I’m sleeping as well as I might with the rest of you. So at least it isn’t just you feeling that way.”

“Yeah… ha, that makes me feel a little better. Uh, how are your gigs going so far?”

“Oh? Are you interested? Well, surprise of surprises, the crowd gave me a standing ovation tonight!”

“Yeah, really? Damn, look at you. Better not have flirted with any pretty girls without me.”

“Ah, I wouldn’t dream of it, brother. Are you doing alright otherwise? You sound a bit off.”

“Mh, no big deal. Just the flu shot making me feel like shit. You’re not feeling too bad?”

“I believe I had a low fever earlier, but by the time I came back to my room, it had broken. You have my thanks for checking on me, however. And I sincerely hope you feel better soon.”

“Thanks, Kara. Hey, I’ll let you get back to sleep now; you need rest for your next gig tomorrow.”

“Haha! Why, I wouldn’t say you’re wrong. Goodnight, brother.”

“Night, Kara. Sleep tight.”

-

“Hey, shitty eldest. Are you really still awake?”

“Ouch, what a greeting. Right through my heart, Ichimacchan. Nah, I was sleeping, but I woke up. I was trying to get back to sleep… it’s just kind of… y’know, lonely over here.”

“Oh. Yeah, you’re the only one in the house, huh?”

“Yeahhh, it sucks. I just woke up and I was like, ‘shit, where are all my baby brothers?’ Pff.”

“Yeah, I get it. I’d come home if I could, but I’ve gotta take care of Fern right now.”

“No, no, it’s all good. How’s she doing?”

“Better than the last time I saw her. At least she’s eating now. She keeps hissing at anyone who gets close except for me.”

“Pffff… guess she’s copying you.”

“Tch, go die, Osomatsu. Actually, it sounds like you’re pretty close to it right now. You good?”

“Oh, yeah. I’m good. The fucking flu shot, you know?”

“Ouch, don’t even mention that. My head was about to split in half earlier.”

“Shit. You doing better now?”

“Yeah, it finally went away. Hopefully you feel better soon, too. Listen, I gotta go now ― Fern’s scratching at me for a little more food.”

“Oh, right, no problem. Go take care of her. And, uh, take some sleep if you can get it so you don’t pass out tomorrow.”

“I’ll do my best. If not, I’m napping on top of you tomorrow. Night, Osomatsu.”

“Count on it! See you tomorrow, Ichimacchan.”

-

“Heyyyyy, Osomatsu-nii-san!! You woke me up and the phone ringing almost woke up Homura-chan. Is everything okay???”

“Oh… oh, yeah, sorry, Jyushi. Everything’s fine. I didn’t mean to wake you up and almost wake her. I just wanted to call and… see how you were doing.”

“… Hah??”

“I’m all alone in the house… I guess I miss all my little brothers. Choro has some nerd shit going on, Kara’s doing gigs, Totty’s at a friend’s place, and Ichi’s at the animal shelter with one of his cats… and you’re all the way out in the country. Plus Mom and Dad went on vacation. So…”

“Oh. So you’re just lonely ‘cause you’re alone. And you woke up and felt bad so you called me?”

“Yeah… I’m calling the others too. Just… just, you know, checking up on everybody. Sorry, I didn’t think about that you’re probably sleeping in the same bed as Homura-chan…”

“It’s okay! Maybe if she wakes up we’ll go for round two, haha.”

“Jyushi! You sly asshole, saying something like that to me, pffff. You’re bad. You’re… having fun, though, right?”

“Yeah, loads of fun. It’s great out here in the country. Homura-chan’s family even has a dog! Are you okay? You sound funny.”

“Uh? Oh, yeah. I’m just feeling a little crappy from the flu shot.”

“Ohhhh. That’s right, we all got that before I left yesterday. I’m kinda sore too, but it’s getting better. I hope it doesn’t last too much longer for you. Maybe since it woke you up now, it’ll be gone when you wake up for real!”

“Maybe. I hope so. Mannn… okay, Jyushi, I’m gonna let you get back to cuddling with Homura-chan, okay? Enjoy the rest of your visit.”

“Hahahhh, thanks, Osomatsu-nii-san. And you can call me again too, if you want! Maybe during the day next time. Nighty night.”

“Night, Jyushi. Sweet dreams.”

-

“Mmmf… Osomatsu? If you’re calling me, someone better be dead or dying.”

“Ahah, or what, Fappymatsu?”

“Or I will reach through this phone and strangle you like we’re in a B-list horror movie.”

“Ouchhhh, you’re worse than Ichimacchan; at least he didn’t threaten me. Are you really that cranky that I woke you up?”

“Yes, because I was having trouble getting to sleep and I just started drifting off when my phone rang. If you don’t give me a good reason in the next thirty seconds, Karamatsu becomes my oldest brother.”

“Geez, okay, okay. Sorry, you grump. I just wanted to check on you guys. I woke up feeling like shit thanks to the flu shot from yesterday, and I… wanted to make sure it wasn’t making you guys feel crappy too.”

“I’m fine, Osomatsu. I mean, I felt a little queasy earlier in the night, but it passed. You, on the other hand, sound like death warmed over. You should hang up and get some sleep. Can we not leave you alone for five minutes?”

“Heh. Guess not. Sorry I woke you up. You should get back to sleep too.”

“… Osomatsu. Wait. Did… did you call everyone else, too? You seriously just wanted to make sure we were okay?”

“Uh-huh. Well… well, I guess I’m a little lonely, too. I mean, I woke up and the futon was empty and I just… felt like I should check on all of you. I’m the big brother. So… I’m glad you’re alright.”

“Well… thanks, I guess. Sorry I snapped at you, but, I’m tired. Don’t worry too much, okay? I’m a little anxious, being so far from home overnight… I miss all of you too. But it’ll be fine. Try some breathing exercises… if you can do that, sometimes it helps you relax enough to fall asleep.”

“I’ll try. Thanks, Choro-chan. I’m glad you’re doing okay. You try those exercises too, yeah? I want you to get some sleep.”

“Yeah, I will. Thanks for checking on us, Osomatsu. You’re not a bad big brother sometimes. Get some rest, okay? I’ll call you tomorrow. Goodnight.”

“Night, Choro-chan. Sleep well.”

-

When Osomatsu puts his phone down, far enough away that he probably won’t roll onto it in his sleep, he feels a lot better.

Not that he doesn’t still feel crappy, but his headache is starting to fade, and the anxiety he felt about being away from his brothers has calmed down substantially. It means that hopefully he’ll be able to get back to sleep.

He lies down on one side, rubbing at his eyes to get rid of the tears that started up again. The blanket is pulled up, so tightly around him that it almost mimics being hugged. With any luck, he’ll be out in a few minutes so he doesn’t have the chance to panic at the sounds of the house settling or the noises outside or anything like that.

As he closes his eyes and does his best to breathe rhythmically through his mouth, he curls his knees up to his chest.

He still feels lonely.

Everything will be better tomorrow.

[intersex-support]

I am AFAB. I have consistently had darker and thicker body hair than my peers even before it darkened and thickened with puberty (I got my period at 11) to the point it was enough for other people to comment on it. I've consistently passed as male unless I'm wearing something that's like a dress or skirt, or wore women's clothes with long hair, usually. I've also been told I have a rather deep voice throughout my whole life. I've always experienced clitoromegaly throughout my whole life. I went on testosterone at age 14 and have been on a 0.125 mL dose about each week since then. After I got blood work done while being on it for a bit, my doctors freaked out and called if I was okay because my blood work showed that my T levels were higher than that of a cisgender adult male's. I was totally emotionally and physically fine, but they had me stop for a month, then do blood work again. They said it looked fine and let me go back on it. When I was on it again, it went back up to that high level, but they said since I physically feel fine and emotionally feel fine, it's probably not a big deal and just to ignore it. I still don't really feel sure with that answer and I feel like there's something different about my body, but when I've asked my doctors, they've just told me I'm fine and to not worry about it. My sexual partners have all commented on my genitalia looking different than usual AFAB genitalia regardless of the changes I've had from T...I'm starting to wonder if I might be intersex, but I don't know how to go about researching that, and it doesn't seem to worry my doctors at all. Do you have any advice or ideas as to what might be up?

Hey anon. 

It defintely it possible that you could be intersex. The fact that you have had clitromegaly your whole life and also had such high levels of testosterone really makes it seem likely. If you’re interested in researching it, I suggest looking at NCAH and PCOS and seeing if there’s any more symptoms that you have like irregular periods or acne.

Here’s a sort of similiar ask that we answered today: link

It expalins the types of tests that doctors can do to test for those two intersex variations. It can be hard to convince doctors to do tests if they don’t think anything is wrong, but you might be able to get a referral to an endocrinologist who would be more informed and able to do these kinds of tests. It sucks, but sometimes you have to tell doctors that you’re really concerned about fertility or periods or body hair or acne and act like it’s a huge problem to get them to take you seriously, even if none of those things are really bothering you and are instead just sort of traits about your body that you’re fine with. If you have any family history of intersex diagnoses, that can be a good thing to bring up. 

Best of luck <3