#as of late I’ve been putting a focus on my mental health and such which is why I haven’t been too active

[queenofcoquette]

how i started to feel pretty

hey loves! i’ve struggled with feeling insecure over my looks, but recently i’ve made changes that have helped me be less insecure. little improvements with my lifestyle and mindset have already made a big difference. first i’m going to talk about my insecurities, then what i did and then general tips.

my insecurities:

hyperpigmentation. i have bad undereye bags due to genetics that landed my family to call all of our eyes “raccoon eyes.” then redness above my eyelids, then darkness above my upper lip no matter how much i shaved. 

facial asymmetry. we all have it, but i felt so bad anytime i took a selfie and i couldn’t bear to take any photos of myself. 

body dysmorphia. this one is weird. i don’t view my body the way others do, and honestly the way i view it changes all the time.

changes i’ve made:

first i started doing things that didn’t help. they were temporary solutions that did nothing. i used concealer and powder for the hyperpigmentation- but it looked cakey and a little ashy-kinda cuz i wasn’t using a color corrector. for my body i did these “abs in 2 weeks!” challenges during covid, and was restrictive, which is the worst thing you can do for yourself.

for my skin:

i started using the glycolic acid serum by the ordinary. this stuff is life changing! i’ve been going makeup free on my skin lately and my skin tone has gotten so much more even. plus it’s affordable and it’s a giant bottle.

for my face:

i started doing face massages for muscle tension

i also realized that my facial asymmetry is 1) normal (we all have it to a certain extent and 2) it’s probably not as bad as i think it is. 

for my body:

i’ve started to focus more on health than appearances, because that my view of my body is distorted. i don’t see it like other people do, so i need to prioritize my health. i started eating MORE- more foods that are healthy, more fruits and vegtables. instead of restricing i allowed myself to have more.

i developed a pilates plan that focused on building strength, and incorporated a little bit of weights. now that i play sports i’ve put an emphasis on strength which has actually helped me get more toned.

journaling. i began to write down about my feelings- the way i view other people vs. the way i view myself. it made me realize how social media gave me an unrealistic image, and how i wasn’t viewing myself the way i really am.

advice:

what are you insecure about? the first step is just writing down your biggest insecurities- aka why don’t you feel beautiful? what made you feel this way? no one is born feeling ugly- we’re all taught to feel this way, whether it’s comments that have been made to us or others.

find people with similar stories. this helped me in the past, watching videos about people who had the same insecurities as me, it opened my eyes to how harshly i treat myself. 

get to the root of it. for my skin i realized that covering up my hyperpigmentation with makeup wouldn’t solve the problem, so i put an emphasis on incorporating things into my skincare routine that could solve the problem, without makeup!

think in the long-term. think about what’s healthy for you, and the most natural way of doing so. for example, when it came to my body i had to think about what’s healthy for me overall, not a quick fix. quick fixes aren’t attainable!

prioritize mental and physical health. i think we should all embrace our natural beauty by focusing on our skincare and the health of our hair. additionally, mental health is equally important, especially when it comes to body image.

positive thinking. a lot of times we tend to vocalize our negative thoughts, ive heard ppl make horrible comments about their bodies and things like that. first of all, stop saying those things out loud- you’re only reaffirming them in your head, and furthering the bad feeling. when you get horrible thoughts about yourself, try to stop them and replace them with good ones. even if you don’t believe it at first, you soon will.

it sometimes takes a while for beautiful people to realize how gorgeous they are. i had friends who i thought were some of the prettiest girls in the world, but they didn’t even realize it. i bet there’s so many people in your life who look at you and see the beauty in you that you don’t see in yourself. just stay healthy and keep positive thoughts, and i hope in time you’ll see your inner and outer beauty.

[elliottspond]

It’s Okay To Not Be Okay

Pairing: Spencer Reid x GN!Reader

Summary: (Hurt/Comfort) Reader prioritizes work over themselves and Spencer helps them realize they’re important too.

Word Count: 1.4k

Warnings: Mental health struggles; it’s not explicitly stated what reader is dealing with

find my masterlist here!

[Please do not steal my work. Reblogs are appreciated. Happy reading!]

“I think you should stay home.” 

It’s been quiet since you both got up a few minutes ago. When you heard Spencer’s phone ring you knew it was Emily calling about a new case and she was going to tell him that the team needs to leave immediately.

You got out of bed wordlessly and Spencer did the same. He knew you could figure out what was going on from previous experiences. The two of you were getting dressed and ready, walking around the bedroom and in and out of the bathroom.

You didn’t even look at the clock yet to know what time it was, but it didn’t matter anyway. If it was eleven pm or four am, you were going to be tired either way and would need an insane amount of coffee to focus on the case.

It’s most likely a missing child. That’s what it is most of the time you get a call in the middle of the night. The first few hours are the most critical, which is why you were woken up in the middle of the night and why the team is trying to leave as soon as possible.

It’s also one of the reasons why you and Spencer weren’t making conversation, wanting to hurry up and get to the jet. The other reason being you both are too tired.

But he broke the silence with a comment you should have seen coming. Your mental health hasn’t been at its best lately and Spencer had noticed. The whole team had noticed. They noticed how you didn’t participate in casual conversations, how you were constantly tired, and most importantly how you weren’t as focused as you usually were.

You knew that you couldn’t hide it from a group of profilers, but they didn’t say anything so you kept trudging on and you expected Spencer to eventually insert himself and help you. Just not at this moment.

“Why?” You turn to look at him, go bag in hand, about to reach the door to leave the apartment. He stands near the couch, holding his own bag that carries his usual slacks and sweater vests. 

He stutters a moment, not sure how to say what he needs to say. He’s scared that you’ll be mad at him if he says the wrong thing. You try and get a good look at his face to get an idea of what he might say next, but it’s too dark in the big room, the only light coming from the moon outside.

“I- I just think it’s what’s best.” He shrugs his shoulders and starts walking over to you. Setting his go bag down, he takes yours out of your hand and sets it down next to his. “Just stay home.”

You can hear the waver in his voice, making your heart beat a little bit faster than it’s normal pace. You feel your chest tighten a bit at the guilt you feel for making Spencer worry so much.

“There’s no reason for that. I’m fine.” He spots your lie as soon as it leaves your mouth. But you really did think you were fine. It wasn’t until now that you realized just how not fine you were, and it showed in the form of your eyes becoming glossy because of tears.

“Y/N, please don’t lie. We’ve all seen it.” 

His voice is soft, enough to make you start slowly crying. What you’ve built for yourself, your walls that kept you decent enough to do your job, are left in ruins because of the man in front of you.

“You have to stay home.” The voice crack is what does it. You let out a quiet sob and he puts a hand on your cheek to console you. “It’s okay, I promise.”

You shake your head because he doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand why you built those walls in the first place and why you fought hard and long to keep them there. 

“No, no it’s not okay.” He tries to follow your eyes but fails when you tilt your head down to look at the hardwood floor between both your feet. “I’ve failed.”

He now puts both hands on your cheeks to tilt your head up and you look into his eyes. “What are you talking about?” He furrows his eyebrows, and looks between your eyes to try to understand where you’re coming from.

“Spence, I can’t stay home because if- if I do, that means that I’ve failed at my job.” You almost whine to him, mad at yourself for being this way. “I was hired to help people, so that’s what I have to do.”

His hands start to leave your cheeks and you wince at the loss of warmth in the chilly apartment air. He quickly makes up for it by wrapping one arm under your armpit and the other over your shoulder. He tightens his grip around you, as if you would disappear at any moment.

Your arms mimic his, clenching your hands to grab handfuls of his cardigan. You snuggle your head in between his neck and shoulder, breathing in his very faint cologne.

You’re sobbing at this point, unable to hold your emotions back any longer. One of his hands starts to rub up and down along your back, trying to bring more comfort to you.

“You can’t help others if you don’t help yourself first.” It’s very faint and you almost didn’t hear it, but you did. “You aren’t failing if you stay home.”

You want to believe him because he always knows what he’s talking about with that big brain of his, but you can’t. Your mind is set in its ways of making you think that you aren’t good enough if you can’t do your job.

“Yeah I am.” Your voice sounds broken with all your crying and you hate how weak you sound, but you know Spencer doesn’t care. He’s told you multiple times that crying isn’t weak. He’s told you how strong it makes you, being vulnerable in front of others.

He pulls away just a little bit, enough to see your face and you take the hint and pull your face away from his neck. You miss the lack of contact despite the rest of your bodies still touching, and put your forehead to his.

“No.” His tone changes from sympathetic to serious and it would have scared you if his eyes weren’t so soft. “Tell me how you’re supposed to take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself.”

You can’t tell him because you don’t have an answer, and you know that’s the point. There is no answer. You can’t do your job to your full potential if you aren’t taking care of yourself, but that doesn’t mean that it changes how you feel.

After a few seconds of standing there, the only noise being your constant sniffling and sobs, he starts talking again.

“You can’t, Y/N. You need to stay home and you need to take a break.” He unwraps one arm around you when you start to pull your head away and look down. His hand reaches your cheek again and it forces you to look him in the eye. “It doesn’t mean you’re weak and it doesn’t mean that you’ve failed. Do you understand?”

He wipes your tears away, waiting for your response. You want to believe him and you’re starting to, it’s just difficult.

You close your eyes and let out a sigh, trying to calm yourself down. “You promise?” You ask, opening your eyes and letting one of your hands free from the death grip on his cardigan. You hold it in front of him between your bodies, it curled into a fist except for the pinky.

He drops his hand from your cheek and it meets yours, him intertwining his pinky with yours. “I promise.”

You nod, knowing he’s never lied to you and he wouldn’t start now. He also wouldn’t let you leave the building with how stubborn he is, so it’s pointless to keep going back and forth if you aren’t going to get anywhere.

“Okay.” You let your lips curl into a small smile, letting him know that you’re decently fine and he can leave you at the apartment.

“It’s okay to not be okay, and it’s okay to put yourself before others sometimes.” This time he puts both his hands on your hips, pulling you in for a soft kiss. “I love you so much, and we’ll be back before you know it.”

He lets go completely and you already miss the lack of contact. You already miss him.

“Try to get some sleep.” He gives you one last kiss before grabbing his bag and opening the door.

“I love you.”

[ecoamerica]

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[fdelopera]

You think Marc denies that he's autistic in addition to denying he's part of a system? I hadn't even considered that but it makes sense

Hi Anon, thank you for your Ask. Sorry it’s taken a little while to reply. I’ve been gathering my thoughts on this...

The way I would say it is that I don’t think that Marc in the MCU defines his neurodivergence from a DSM/psychiatric perspective. He knows his own lived experience of being part of a system and of being neurodivergent, but I think he has likely rejected any diagnostic labels that have been placed on him. There’s a difference between having an internal experience and describing it via an outside set of models, especially when those models are associated with trauma.

There are only a few times we hear Marc talk about his mental health, and these are under duress.

We see Marc socially masking when he is on the boat ride with Layla to Mogart’s in Episode 3:

Layla: You could've told me. You know? What it’s been like for you. About Steven.

Marc: For what it's worth, I had it under control until very recently.

Layla: What happened?

Marc: Doesn't matter.

Layla: We could've handled it together.

Marc: Yeah. That's not really what I do, is it? Never really been able to just talk about everything.

Layla: Anything real?

Marc: Yes.

Layla: Yeah, I know. But that doesn't mean that we shouldn't have.

Marc: Yeah. Maybe. A little too late for that now, though.

The closest Marc comes to articulating his struggles with his mental health is when he says, “For what it's worth, I had it under control until very recently.” It’s also worth noting that at this point, Marc can’t even bring himself to say Steven’s name to Layla. Steven is “it” in his description. 

This scene is one of the best examples of autistic “masking” that I’ve seen on screen. This is what it feels like. It’s like you’re encased in a social sarcophagus. You can’t move. You can barely articulate your feelings. All your natural social spontaneity has been dulled because you’re trying to “act” a scene for which you don’t have the script, and you’re scrambling to figure out what you “should” do in response to the other person. And ultimately, all you can do is try to “look” as “normal” as possible so you don’t raise too many red flags.

Earlier in the episode, Marc is forced to talk about his mental health when Khonshu attempts to put Harrow on trial:

Osiris’ Avatar: Let us speak to Marc Spector. Are you unwell?

Marc: I am. I am unwell. I need help. But that doesn't change the fact that this man is…

Hathor’s Avatar: This is a safe space for you to tell us if you feel exploited by Khonshu.

Marc: This is not about my feelings! I'm not the one on trial here. He is! This is about how dangerous he is if you would just listen for a second.

Marc feels deep shame about his mental health because of the reasons behind the coping mechanisms that have kept him alive. And this shame has been echoed back to him throughout his life from the psychiatric community, who have told him repeatedly that he is broken. (From experience, when therapists realize that they can’t help you, they often try to put the blame back on you and convince you that you are untreatable, instead of admitting that they just aren’t the right person to work with you.)

Marc is pushed to his breaking point. He’s been physically possessed by a god and forced to take part in a kangaroo court where the outcome is already swayed in favor of the opposition. When asked if he is “unwell,” he can’t deny it. But he won’t allow the court to peer any deeper into his mind. Marc knows what it is to have a god inside his head. The relationship between god and avatar is intimate, and Khonshu has plumbed the depths, looking for parts he can manipulate. Khonshu knows about Jake and (likely) other alters in their system as well. So, Marc quickly redirects the focus to Harrow. “This is not about my feelings… It’s about how dangerous he is, if you would just listen.” There is no way he is opening himself up to any more of the court’s probing.

This scene parallels experiences that Marc might have had when he was a patient at Putnam Psychiatric Hospital. Perhaps a psychiatrist was abusing him and other patients, as we see at the beginning of Episode 5. After being beaten up and mistreated numerous times, Marc brought these abuses of power to the attention of the psych’s superiors, but they refused to listen to him because he was labeled as the “crazy one.”

From a mental health standpoint, these experiences only serve to increase Marc’s (justifiable) distrust of people in authority, particularly psychiatric authority — especially when they have the power to ensnare him by using his own mind against him.

In Episodes 4, 5, and 6, we see Marc’s conceptualization of the “mental health” system, based on his personal experiences. The “psych ward” is filled with a combination of Steven’s and Marc’s memories, but the framework of the place, the oppressively sterile and tightly controlled labyrinth of rooms that offer no means of escape other than burrowing deeper and deeper inwards — that framework belongs to Marc.

Throughout the course of Episodes 4 and 5, Marc and Steven are forced by “Dr. Harrow” (who might be an introject) to address their mental health. There is no choice in this self-inquiry. The only way out for them is through. If Dr. Harrow is an introject who’s been influenced by someone that has “treated” (i.e., tortured) Marc in the past, this could shed light on the way that Marc views psychological evaluation, as well as his rejection of diagnosis. In Episode 6, Marc and Steven tell Dr. Harrow:

Marc: And while it is tempting to accept your diagnosis, Doc…

Steven: We'd rather go save the world.

Marc understands the traditional psychiatric model that he has experienced, and he rejects it. So does Steven. Marc’s formative psychiatric experiences were being committed at Putnam Psychiatric Hospital, and then being evaluated by army psychiatrists prior to his dishonorable discharge. He views mental hospitals as holding cells where they pump you full of drugs. They don’t actually diagnose or treat patients. And … he's right, at least based on the horrors he’s been through.

And unfortunately, the psychiatric trauma he's suffered would mean that he'd probably rather chew off his arm than voluntarily schedule an appointment to see a professional. I doubt he’s ever been to therapy (outside of what was mandated for him in his mental hospital stays). If there is to be any path forward for the MK System in therapy, it will have to be through a different model — a model of their choosing, not a model that is thrust upon them by abusive people who seek to control them.

But to address your question, the question of diagnosis… Based on the amount of time it takes many systems to find a therapist qualified to diagnose and treat DID (for many, it takes the better part of a decade), I actually don't know that the MK System in the MCU have ever received a formal diagnosis, let alone any help. People with DID are given so many DSM labels before they get the correct diagnosis. So if Marc has received any formal evaluations, they would most likely be for depression, anxiety, and then later PTSD. All the things you would expect, especially given his history as a Marine.

As for autism, this is another condition that requires finding a specialist (either a psychologist or a psychiatrist) in order to receive a formal evaluation and diagnosis. When I received my first diagnosis, for instance, I met with a psychologist who specialized in diagnosing autistic adults, and the evaluation took several sessions over the course of about a month. A general psych wouldn’t have been able to evaluate me for autism.

It’s possible that Marc would have received an Asperger Syndrome diagnosis when he was a child or a teenager. (NOTE: I use “Asperger Syndrome” historically. We don’t use that term anymore because Hans Asperger was a Nazi. And also because the diagnosis is based on an incorrect understanding of autism that purports there being arbitrary levels of “functioning.” Oh and also because the psychs finally got around to removing it from the DSM-5.)

However, given the amount of abuse and neglect that Marc experienced in the home, I think it’s likely that the only way he would have gone to see a specialist was if it were mandated by his school. Which is possible. If a child is deemed to have “behavioral issues,” certain schools can mandate that they see a specialist to avoid suspension or expulsion. That said, if Wendy and Elias did take Marc to see a psych, Wendy would’ve had to carefully screen them to make sure they were someone that she could control. One of her greatest fears was likely having someone outside the home, especially someone in a position of authority, finding out that she was abusing her child.

At the time that Marc was growing up, ASD was becoming more and more recognized by the psychiatric community (largely because of the brewing eugenics campaign spearheaded by Autism $peaks). Perhaps from these mandated appointments, Marc’s parents might have gotten the idea that they could use psychiatric “treatment” (aka torture) as a means of controlling him. Perhaps this is what ultimately led them to send him to the Putnam Psychiatric Hospital.

So whichever diagnoses that Marc received, he would likely have attached deep shame to them, as well as profound anger. He didn’t seek out any of his diagnoses; they were all given to him against his will. And his diagnoses have all been twisted by the psychiatric community as a way to label him “unwell,” so he has less leverage to fight back. Every diagnosis he’s received has been used by others to control him. None of these diagnoses were his to own.

And while there is great power in reclaiming a psychiatric label, Marc hasn’t reached that point in his journey yet. I don’t know that he even wants to think about having DID or about being part of a system. Steven is just Steven to him. And Jake is as yet unknown to them, other than the knowledge that he IS… Does Marc know how and why Steven came to be? Yes. Is he going to use psychiatric lingo to describe that profoundly personal experience of who Steven is to him? Probably not. As they say, “And while it is tempting to accept your diagnosis, Doc…” “We’d rather go save the world.”

Perhaps Steven, with his self-insight and his greater openness to self-analysis, will be the one who will help Marc explore his mental health. I could imagine Steven developing a hyperfixation on psychology and learning all that he can about DID and being part of a system. I could also see Steven helping Marc understand their experiences of autism so that Marc can learn to utilize their autistic strengths instead of trying to mask them and shut them down. Maybe Steven would even do some research and find Marc some very plain-looking and discreet fidget toys that would help him self-regulate their dyspraxia and sensory processing disorder. Cause Marc isn’t gonna be caught dead carrying around a colorful stim toy — it would remind him too much of childhood, when the bullies made fun of him for loving those adventure movies… Maybe Steven would even seek out a qualified therapist and encourage Marc to finally start the life-long journey of processing their trauma. But they aren’t there yet. And they have a long road ahead of them…

[thedragonboi]

I am simultaneously in an ADHD-Autism alliance and an ADHD-Autism rivalry and I’ve never been more hyperaware of someone’s autism because I don’t want to just interpret their behaviours as “ew, annoying” and make them suffer further social isolation because of something out of their control. But at the same time, unlike my other autistic friends who understand I’m also neurodivergent just in a different way, he refuses to understand or be lenient with my neurodivergent behaviours.

No matter what I do or how I try to explain it to them, they keep ignoring/not understanding me. And I know autism makes social cues harder to understand but please this man is 23 and I’ve explained my boundaries and outlooks and ADHD behaviours non stop for MONTHS and I’m so close to killing him because he doesn’t understand and instead of taking that at face value and leaving me alone to avoid conflict he fucking keeps INSTIGATING.

I make a repetitive sound to keep myself focused and grounded? “Stop doing that”. Ok I’ll stop for a little while, maybe sensory issues. I’m loosing focus in class but conflict avoided. I go sit further away to do it again next class and try and focus. He moves to sit near me. “Stop that”. Huh???? You purposely sat next to the adhd student who ground’s themselves by making repetitive noises. I just move back to my original seat cause I can see better. If it’s genuinely that bad please wear your earbuds, I know you have them I’ve seen you wearing them.

Study session. I’m fiddling with the notebook while I wait for him to answer the exam question. “Stop that”. Ok, I’ll fiddle with the pen to focus instead. “Stop that”. Jesus fucking Christ what AM I allowed to do to keep myself grounded and focused??? Go study with someone else at this point.

Jesus fucking Christ this cretin refuses to give me peace.

He followed me on my walk home once.

No, not once a couple times. But I just remember the last time really vividly because he kept bringing up movies who’s subject matter I don’t like interacting with (I forget the movie titles but he said they’re about war and genocide and historical events where people were subjugated and abused by colonialism). I kept trying to change the subject to movies that I enjoyed but he kept FUCKING PUTTING ME DOWN CAUSE THEYRE NOT THE MATURE ADULT SAD EMOTION MEDIA.

FUCK YOU. I was walking home by myself, 2 minutes away from school. He sees me minding my business and comes up to me. Weird but ok, probably doesn’t understand the social boundary. Forgivable if uncomfortable. He brings up a subject matter I’m sensitive about. I try and change the conversation politely because, again, probably just doesn’t understand the social cues I’m trying to send. He REFUSES to let me change the subject matter and then you’re fucking SHOCKED when I get upset????

While that’s just one incident he does other things which just feel extremely mean spirited? Maybe they’re not but I genuinely don’t know how to get him to shut up about it.

Lately I’ve been doing this thing where I reward myself for small accomplishments by giving myself affirmations. It’s been great for my mental health so far. Just calling myself smart or cool whenever I get a question right in class or a good assignment/test score. I’ve been consistently getting good grades (I never used to before) so I’ve been saying/giving myself positive affirmations a lot more than usual. But he’s taken offence to it or something?????

Whenever I try and answer a question in class and I get it wrong he fucking pipes up and goes “not so smart are you?” so smugly. Genuinely actually shut the fuck up before I commit bodily harm against you. And so far I’ve been trying to rationalise his behaviour as not understanding social cues but this kind of behaviour is genuinely unacceptable. Like it’s one thing to not understand boundaries but it’s another to butt in the middle of class and call someone not smart.

But like…sometimes when people or even the fucking teacher pipes up and goes “hey maybe don’t do that” he responds with “sorry, autism, don’t really understand social cues” and like…no one in class is a psychiatrist so we can’t comment on it but I want so badly to just yell at him that there’s a point where your behaviour isn’t exclusively the autism and that you’re a 23 year old adult who is ultimately responsible for your own actions.

I think my experiences and friendships with other autistic people just makes it more obvious to me that his actions aren’t sourced from autism but don’t think I have it in me to just internalise and admit to myself that I’ve been dealing with my boundaries and feelings constantly being ignored while he insists we’re friends.

There’s a point where the amount of times he says we’re friends after crossing a boundary feels like gaslighting. Doing something a friend shouldn’t do, or at least apologise for if they do, and then immediately saying “it’s ok, because we’re friends” and I just sit there in silence to keep the peace. Gaslighting probably isn’t the right word but idk any other description for this behaviour

[colleencrossingg]

So this happened.

I apologize for my inactivity, school and work has been absolutely insane. I have been playing New Leaf every day though to get as much as I can before the servers shut down. Yes, this includes exchanging 100 visits with randos on Reddit for unlimited hacked Sanrio items. I decorated the bottom floor of my house, so I’ll post that later. I also started the Beautiful Town ordinance, because I am SICK of watering flowers.

I finished funding for both the Roost and the Dream Suite (with the help of friendly Redditors), so my main focus has been trying to visit others and get to 500 dreams. If you want me to visit, leave your Dream Address!

Things in my personal life are not going as well. My dog passed away yesterday at 6 years old. We have no idea what happened, but it seems as if he had severe organ failure. He was always very sick, even as a puppy, but this was very unusual and he declined very quickly. I don’t want to get into it, but this was the third major health scare in less than 9 months where we thought we’d have to put him down.

I am struggling to get things done because I am having POTS flare ups and I have been dealing with depression-related fatigue. I am trying to keep going, but it is hard. I am also dealing with a lot of stress because of my fiancée, because we might have to move in June so he can start grad school. He is stressing me out with financial talk and trying to convince me to enter a mortgage on a property I’ve never even seen in a city we’ve never been to. The FAFSA delay is screwing us because we don’t know how much in loans we’ll have to take out, so this affects which school he chooses to attend. I also don’t know what I’ll be doing until I can start my MA program. I may try to take Chinese or Vietnamese courses as a nonmetriculated student at the university my fiancée is going to, or I may be ambitious and try to do it at the Ivy League school nearby…

I recently won two awards for my thesis as well as my service to the department I belong to. I am dealing with major impostor syndrome because of this. I don’t feel like I deserve to win, and I even consulted my favorite professor to make sure that he didn’t influence the decision in any way because he is the department chair. I’m not sure if I want to even attend the ceremony because I am dealing with intense body image issues and if anybody tries to take a picture of me, I’ll go insane.

I will try to post occasional updates if I can. Animal Crossing is my main coping mechanism through everything going on. I have so many other games I want to play, but so little time.

I want to try the new Stardew Update, but I have such minimal progress in my main save file. I’m horrible with getting through the Skull Cavern mines, and it’s really holding me back. I haven’t played Stardew in a very long time, so I may just play from a completely different save file and start over.

Another game I’ve been playing more lately is Minecraft. I wouldn’t say it’s been a full-on intense Minecraft phase, but I started a new "Survival" world (I play on Peaceful until it’s not convenient for me - I have been playing for 12 years and beaten the game numerous times, I know what I’m doing!) and I’m trying to exit my comfort zone by building in biomes I would usually skip over.

Sorry for my inactivity, shit is rough right now. I don’t know what else to say. I deal with grief really weird for someone who is extremely mentally ill and emotionally unstable. I’m oddly fine. He died in such a traumatic state, so maybe it’s me knowing that he’s at peace now. I don’t know.

Also this has been me every morning sitting in my office at school high as FUCK listening to Strawberry Switchblade/Rose McDowall and getting absolutely nothing done. I have absolutely cooked my Spotify Wrapped and it’s not even April.

Ok I’ll update you in another month. 🫡

[polyamorouspunk]

I just figured out I'm polyam, and I'm moving out of my hometown to a very queer city (one of the queerest in the world). I'm scared that even there I'll have trouble making friends and finding people as a non-binary, bisexual, polyam person (especially one that leans alternative). Do you have any advice for being your authentic self while still grappling with a lot of internalised stuff and moving to a new place?

Hmm. When I moved to a new place I found comfort in being able to dress more as a girl even though I’m afab. I felt like people in my hometown had put me in a box (“I bet you hated wearing a dress!”) and I felt like I was having trouble breaking out of that box. I’m able to dress more femme comfortably now. As for other genders, I don’t really consider myself in or out of the closet. I’m just someone who doesn’t enforce my pronouns or gender because I just don’t care enough about it/to make a fuss about it. I have pronoun pins I don’t really wear. If there was a day I was feeling really adverse to being gendered as my agab then I guess I would wear them but right now I present so femme that there’s no real point to it for me because I just don’t feel masc. And I’m just never out as plural. I just use genderfluid instead, which is more accurate right now anyway. Not that anyone really. Asks.

Working at Michaels Craft Store I’ve found other queer people who are out and have pronouns on their name tags and stuff. They are properly gendered by other staff. I’m not saying make friends with your local craft store employees but like yk it’s a start. Ask them if there’s any cool queer places if they look openly queer or something.

In college I’ve found openly queer people but college acquaintances haven’t lasted for me. There’s no point in really talking to someone once your not in a class with them anymore. The exception has been @princess-pathetic-112898 and I love her so so much and I had the pleasure of dating her for a bit and it was wonderful and she was such a blessing. When I was feeling so alone in the world she was there for me, and I’ve been praying for someone like her ever since but let’s be honest she’s a once-in-a-lifetime friend. I haven’t met anyone like her since.

As for polyam people, and scenes, I would check Facebook! Someone on here (I think it was Key but if I’m misassigning credit I’m sorry) said to check Facebook and that’s where I found the local punk venue in my city last week after finally looking. Honestly as “Punk” I don’t really look like… “myself”, so I’m not going to go until “Punk” feels comfortable going as himself, though we’ve been so solid I haven’t heard from him really in months. But I won’t be going right now until I can comfortably pass as transmasc for myself. I have other plans for the body right now I want to focus on and I don’t mind putting that on the back burner, which it feels like some people don’t really understand.

There’s a wonderful pagan store I go to that I hung out at the other day, and they decorated for pride, but there weren’t any other shoppers in there but I hung out with the cashier for almost an hour. She was cool, in her late 30s early 40s, and she told me about a summer harvest festival they’re hosting and suggested I come to try and meet some people there. I go to a lot of Pride events and I’ve followed some people on Instagram from them in the past but I haven’t made any friends.

Truth is: I’m really lonely. All of my friends are back home. I miss them. My mom has asked if I want to move back but other than being lonely my mental health is SO much better here. But I haven’t been able to make friends since moving here and it sucks. I feel like I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be to make friends (getting a job with other college kids, going to college, becoming a regular at a local store, going to events and concerts, etc.) and nothing is working and it’s extremely disappointing. I feel like I should be doing more but that really pushes my physical limits. People seem surprised I’m not out ever Friday night at the punk scene thrashing around and I feel like I have to explain I live in rural North Carolina 40 minutes away from the city, and if I’m not already working it’s a haul to go there, and if I am already working I’m tired and depending on how many hours I’m working in a week I’m already pushing my physical limits just to make ends meet at home. At this point it’s looking like I’m going to need physical therapy. I’m not sure I want to head to a punk show after work OR drive 40 minutes just to go to one on a Friday night when I have a day off.

I think that moving to a new place can really help you overcome some internal things. I was able to break out of a box I felt like I had put myself in/been put in and start experimenting with my style and fashion. I moved where I know people and while I’m out as bisexual and polyam I just haven’t bothered to broach the gender subject because I’m not ready and it doesn’t bother me enough to push me to say something other than a comment here and there. The idea of being “out” is overrated to me anyway. I’m just me.

Making friends used to be so easy for me but I guess that’s what happens when you’re someone years spending time with people 5/7 days of the week. Now that I only see people a few times a week it’s a lot harder, and even though other people I know have made friends with college companions and coworkers I have not. I wish I had better advice and I’m wishing you better luck than I’ve been having.

[laurensliminalspace]

Building confidence with chronic illness and disability

What does it look like to be empowered and confident with a disability or chronic illness?

I’ve been pondering this lately as I find it’s easy to get into the mindset that when my health improves or if I fully recover, then I’ll finally feel confident, badass and empowered. And yes, that’s partly true. Having more energy and wellbeing definitely gives me a huge boost in my mood and sense of self efficacy. I also think it’s great to work on improving our health as much as possible.

However, what do we do in the mean time? What would it look like to be the best version of myself, right here with my current circumstances? I've been pondering this question recently, and wanted to explore it further.

Unfortunately, many of us get trapped in a downward spiral that feels out of our control. Feeling unwell saps our self esteem, and having to stop jobs, reduce social activities or limit hobbies can be very depressing. It’s a vicious circle that can be tough to escape. Financial and health struggles can create so much anxiety and stress, it can feel crippling not just physically, but mentally, too. It can feel shameful and embarrassing, and often we just want to hide and protect ourselves.

There can also be a lot of self-consciousness about our physical bodies and appearance. For example, many medications can make people put on weight, fatigue can cause dark circles under the eyes, and allergies can make people’s faces look puffy. Surgeries can also leave people with scars and it’s normal to wonder if people will find you attractive, especially in the dating scene.

However, the great thing about working on our health and confidence is that it can also be an upward spiral. Confidence can help motivate and empower us to improve our health and life situation, and in turn the increase in energy and health can boost our confidence. I’ve found that even improving my health by 5% or 10% can make a surprisingly dramatic difference in my overall quality of life. Every little bit counts!

Here is my advice, based on my life experience - in no particular order:

One: Escape the comparison trap.

Stop comparing to others, especially other able bodied people. Even comparing to others with the same condition can be highly problematic, as people have wildly varying symptoms, different levels of severity, as well as different levels of support and financial resources. Many people with the same outward symptoms also have a completely different root cause (or combination of root causes). Not to mention the treatments that work for some may not work for others at all. Some people find a silver bullet solution, but for most people, it’s more complex than just one thing.

Focus on yourself and stay in your lane. Concentrate on your personal achievements and look at how far you’ve come. Being able to walk for five minutes may mean nothing to the average person, but it may be a huge milestone for you. Don’t forget to celebrate your wins! Even the small ones. Also embrace the reality that the journey is going to be up and down. You’re going to have good days and bad days. Don’t let that discourage you from continuing.

Two: Self compassion and self acceptance.

Work on talking to yourself with more love, compassion and acceptance. Acceptance is really important because we need to come to terms with our reality, which is often incredibly frustrating and painful. This often involves a great deal of grief too. It’s okay to feel all the emotions, and hold space for them. I find journalling, therapy and EFT tapping really helpful in this process. I also really like parts work, and the concept of unblending, as it helps me gain perspective on difficult emotions and parts.

Know that it’s okay to feel the sadness and anger. It’s also okay to feel envious and jealous of people who are able bodied and have easier lives. It’s normal. Don’t add insult to injury by beating yourself up over totally normal emotions!! Society encourages us to repress and deny our shadow, but we need safe spaces to talk about the tough stuff.

Being disabled and chronically ill comes with a huge amount of stigma, and often trauma, too. Get the treatment you need for any trauma that’s holding you back and sapping your spirit. I recommend EMDR and somatic therapy, but there’s lots of other modalities out there too.

Three: Own it fully.

This is easier said than done, but when you’re disabled or chronically ill, it’s better to own it and speak about it as confidently as possible. I find this is especially relevant in social or dating situations. I try to be honest, open and frank about my lifestyle and limitations, rather than hiding it or pretending I don’t have any conditions. This is sometimes a tough line to walk as you don’t want to overshare or freak people out, but in general I prefer to be up front with people.

This also includes freely using mobility aids in public settings, social situations or going on dates. I’ve become very comfortable using a mobility scooter to get around, and often take a walking stick with me too. It takes time to get used to this, but the more you do it, the less self-conscious you’ll feel. Some people find it helps to decorate their mobility aids or get a walking stick that looks funky. Canes can be incorporated into a steampunk, dark academia or dapper aesthetic in a fun way! Find a way to own it and make it your own, in a way that suits your personality and style.

Another area that can be challenging is dealing with dietary limitations. Strict diets and allergies can be tricky, but again, it’s better just to own it. I don’t eat at restaurants, but I still go to restaurants and cafes with friends and enjoy hanging out. Yes, it’s a little awkward sometimes, but you have to push through it. The right people won’t care, and will value your presence more than anything else.

Four: Seek supportive connections, friends and community, whether online or off.

Find friends, groups and events that are supportive, uplifting and accessible. Don’t hang around people who judge you or drag you down. Even people who constantly insist on giving annoying unsolicited advice (like "just drink more water!") can drain your precious spoons.

I know this is so much easier said than done, because being disabled or chronically ill can bring with it a great deal of isolation. It’s natural to just hang on to whatever connections you have, and not want to let go or burn a bridge. So be kind to yourself if there’s some people you’re just not ready to let go of right now. But keep looking for better friends who are going to life you up and who fully accept and celebrate you as you are.

Never, ever assume you have to tolerate any abuse or mistreatment because you’re disabled or chronically ill. You are not a burden and never deserve to be treated badly.

The same goes for dates and partners. Don’t settle for people who are toxic, judgemental or just tolerate you – rather than fully accepting and loving you right now, for who you are. Also, find people who respect and cherish you as a person, not for what you can do for them or what you achieve. People who are very focused on things like class, money and status are usually best avoided where possible.

Five: Cultivate a sense of purpose in your life that’s bigger than you.

I find when I’m focused on my purpose and calling, it’s easier to be confident because I’m not so focused on what other people think of me. I recognise that I have a calling that’s a lot more important than that! Obviously, this is easier said than done, especially if you can no longer work – or have had to change jobs, or reduce your work hours. Even volunteering can be surprisingly difficult when you have health limitations.

But purpose, meaning and calling in life are much greater than what we do for money, or even our hobbies. Relationships are a core source of meaning and purpose for many people. Being creative and growing spiritually are also significant. I’ve written more about this in other blog posts, but I find this is a significant piece of building a sense of empowerment in difficult circumstances. Reflecting on your core values can be really powerful and inspiring.

I’d recommend doing an exercise where you select words or phrases that represent your core values in life.

Six: Don’t be afraid to have fun, explore and try new things, as much as you can!

I find singing and dancing at home to positive, empowering songs can really boost my mood and confidence. It can be hard to be as spontaneous and active as I would like, but I still try my best to engage in life to the fullest extent of my capabilities. Sometimes this means asking for help or using mobility aids to get to certain events. It can also mean more planning ahead when travelling.

I really love riding my escooter, as it gives me an adrenaline rush but isn’t too tiring. Think outside the box and be open to new experiences. Brene Brown talks about engaging in laughter, song and dance in her guidelines for wholehearted living, and I think it’s applicable here. Watching hilarious movies and having a laugh with friends can be so uplifting.

Finally, don’t discount celebrating your sexuality. Disabled people are often portrayed as non-sexual, but exploring dating and sex can be a lot of fun and very empowering.

Practical suggestions:

Explore journalling about – what does it mean to live my best and fullest life with my current limitations? What does being empowered and confident look like for me right now? Brainstorm whatever comes to mind.

If you’re feeling rejected or unworthy, put your hand on your heart or your belly, and send love to the parts of you that are holding these emotions. I find self compassion practice can be really powerful.

EFT tapping is a great tool for working through negative core beliefs, like “I’m a burden” or “I’m not enough”.

If people give you a compliment, take a screenshot or write it down and save it into a folder on your computer for whenever you feel down and need a pick me up.

Try writing down your strengths, good qualities and things you like about yourself.

Create a celebration jar where you write down anything you’re proud of or qualities your love about yourself on little bits of paper. Put them in the jar and you can open it whenever you need a reminder. Another option is putting a marble or stone in a jar whenever you do something you’re proud of.

Experiment with visualising yourself as your most confident, empowered self. You could go back to a past memory where you were feeling your best, or imagine yourself in the future. I find doing this while listening to music can be really uplifting.

Use positive affirmations, for example: My worth and value is based on who I am, not on my achievements. I am confident. I am powerful. I deserve to be treated well. If it feels a bit fake or forced, you could try asking yourself, “What if I felt confident?” and see what arises.

Further links and resources:

Chronic Illness and Confidence: How to Rebuild

Facing the World with Confidence and Chronic Illness

How to be Confident While Being Chronically Ill

[spectrumsistersblog]

Spectrum Sister here (if you hadn’t already guessed) and I’m ready to open up my mind an put all things Autistic, ADHD, mental illness and chronic illness OUT THERE!

That’s right, I am an Autistic ADHD’er with mental health issues, Fibromyalgia and Joint hyper mobility syndrome. My disabilities are as invisible as they get, but I’m here to MAKE you see them for what they are. The good, the bad and the extremely uncomfortably UGLY!

Now firstly, Let me introduce myself a little bit more formally before I start, my name is JD, I’m 35yrs old, born and raised south Londoner who is also a single mother to a gorgeous 11yr old boy. I was late diagnosed ADHD at the age of 34 and Autistic at the age of 35 and due to the lateness of my diagnoses I’m sure you can imagine my life has been a bit of a BLEEPING mess, hence the development of mental health issues in my teens that I’ve carried with me ever since.

Saying all this, Im not one to throw a pity party, so let’s get that out the way. I’m here to tell it how it is, straight forward with honesty and facts. The doom and gloom, but also the funny and quirky side of life too, because you can’t get one without the other. To truly embrace and appreciate happiness, one must also know the feeling of true sadness. So I’m here to feed you it all, in true Virgo style ♍️

Just to get you up to speed I’ll explain a little about each condition I have been diagnosed with:

Autism

Autism is a spectrum condition which effects people in different ways. It effects our social interaction and communication skills, can inflict repetitive and restrictive behaviours, cause over OR under sensitivity to light, sound, taste or touch, can cause extreme anxiety, melt downs and shutdowns and also highly focused interests and hobbies.

ADHD

ADHD is a disorder which affects peoples behaviour. People with ADHD have issues with executive functioning, concentration & focus, and also impulse control. There is ALOT more to it and I intend to go into more detail in future blogs.

EUPD

EUPD – Emotionally unstable personality disorder (formerly known as Borderline personality disorder) is a mental health condition that affects how you think, feel and interact with others. One major symptom the sufferer experiences is being emotionally unstable. Intense emotions, ranging from highs to lows, which can change rapidly throughout a single day.

FIBROMYALGIA

Fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS) – Fibromyalgia is a chronic (long term) condition that causes pain all over the body. As well as the widespread pain it also causes increased sensitivity to touch and pain, muscle stiffness, insomnia & Fatigue, issues with mental processing and concentration (fibro fog), irritable bowel syndrome, headaches and depression.

JOINT HYPERMOBILITY

Joint hypermobility syndrome – JHS is where your joints are extra flexible and move beyond the range that they are suppose to. This causes pain, stiffness and unstable joints. The joints and the tissue within in them are loose because they are weak. This also means increased danger of seriously injuring, spraining or dislocating your joints.

And there you have it, my wonderful array of chronic conditions and disabilities 😃

Now I do intend to go into a lot more detail in future posts and blogs, so look out for those if you want to learn more about each condition, purely for educational purposes or wether you may think you have one of them yourself.

For my fellow Spectrum family and Fibro Family, you may know an awful lot about these conditions already, so I definitely will have posts coming that I’m sure you will be able to relate to.

If you made this far then I greatly appreciate you…..also heres little embarrassing golden nugget of information for you, I was finishing this post off on the toilet, however my lower legs went numb and as I went to stand up I nearly face planted the door because I couldn’t feel my legs. I then had to grab my toilet frame (mobility aid) and drop myself back onto the toilet seat and wait here for a good 5 minutes until the feeling came back to my legs and feet 😩😂 Oh what a life eh! At least you weren’t all here to see it, that I am greatful for haha!

Anyways, got to love you and leave you (anyone else’s aunties use to say this every time they left your house?) and until next time, keep my legs in your prayers.

Air kisses

Your Spectrum Sister 🪩

[wyrdify]

7 Things to Know About Kai

This post has been in my head on and off for the past few days, so I’m going to type it up to get it out. It’s sort of a “get to know the mun” thing, I guess, and it’s catered specifically to who I am as an RPer.

1. My physical and mental health comes first. I go to bed somewhere around 10-11PM Eastern Time every night for the sake of my health, and I try not to push that. I have epilepsy, and lack of sleep is one of those things that lowers the seizure threshold. I’m not staying up late to write replies. As for my mental health, I need breaks from the internet, and I am not going to be available 24/7. Expecting that of anyone is absurd.

2. I write my replies at my own pace. I refuse to be rushed. If I’m feeling a particular reply, then I’m going to write it. If I’m not, then I’m not going to push it. I want to have fun while I’m RPing, and I want to give my RP partners my best writing. This is a hobby of mine, not something I am paid to do. I give the same grace to my partners. I will never rush you. Ever.

3. I am neurodivergent. Professionally, I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 2, OCD (with trich and derm), and generalized anxiety. I hypothesize I also have autism, but it has not been diagnosed. This means that I can hit highs with hypomania, making me super productive, super talkative, or super unable to focus. It means I can hit awful lows with depression, which causes me to disappear and stop talking to people for days at a time. It means I feel compelled to do things in particular ways to stop my brain from screaming. It means I have a tendency to take things you say to me very literally. It’s a mix.

4. I am queer. Specifically, I am asexual, gray aromantic, and nonbinary. All of my muses are queer in some way, shape, or form. I don’t have any interest in RPing with RPers who are queerphobic. I already have to hide my identity in parts of my personal life, so I’d rather not do it here. This is a queer-friendly space.

5. My English isn’t perfect. I make typos. I forget words. I use the wrong words. I make grammatical errors. Hell, I make up words from time to time, according to Google, and I will intentionally write fragments as a stylistic choice. I don’t like elitism when it comes to writing in English, especially when there are so many dialects, styles, et cetera. I give my partners my best writing, but I will make errors. English is hard enough for us native speakers, never mind those of you who learn it as another language. Let’s give each other some grace, all right?

6. I have squicks/triggers. There are topics I can write, but I need to mentally prepare for them, or I need a warning in advance that they’re coming. There are other topics that I will not write due to my comfort levels. Period. This tends to be why I plot things out with my partners. I want to avoid setting myself off, and I want to make sure my partners are comfortable as well. It definitely makes for the best RPing experience.

7. I have a life outside of RPing. I have hobbies I like to partake in. I have a husband, cats, and friends who I like to hang out with from time to time. This pings back to the first point I wrote. I need breaks from the internet to do other things I enjoy. I can’t write 24/7, and I can’t be available to everyone 24/7, especially as an introvert. Forcing me into conversation all of the time is one excellent way to get me to shut down on you.

These are my basic boundaries. I may add to this later, but yeah. I know this is basically what’s in my rules, but I like putting it here too in more of a paragraph form. Plus, this is one of those OCD “I’m compelled to do this thing, so I gotta” things. It’s annoying.

If you’ve read all this, thanks! It means a lot.

[rashmasums]

looks like i’m finally back to talking about casualty!

also, why is there an influx of p**n bots when i click on the tag.

- loved the dylan centric vibes. he’s been my favourite since i started when i was a kid so it’s fun to see him back in the spotlight a bit.

- i’m loving the use of sah. they’re easily one of the best additions as of late, and even when they’re not front of centre they’re a highlight character still, which i love.

- dare i say i enjoyed charlie tonight. he got on my nerves by the end, but at least the sentiment was there to begin with.

- the patient storylines were good tonight, enjoyable and all fitted in well with the staff members they had associated.

- i sense this series is going to be a pretty dark one. let’s be honest, when is it not with casuslty? but especially with the emphasis on the struggles of the nhs and the pressures that puts on the staff, with two of the characters we’ve known the longest at the heart of it. especially when we’ve seen the struggles of them both, notably dylan.

overall, a really great start to the series. i’m glad i tuned in, because i’ve been really distant from the show lately.

hopes for this season:

- less of a focus on certain characters. purely a selfish pov, but i can’t stand robyn or paul (i think that’s his name). also, no more faith. i can cope with faith when she’s involved in other storylines, i think her chemistry with david and stevie is really great so i don’t mind those dynamics, but we’ve had enough faith storylines lately.

- as much as i hate to say it, i only think it would make sense to revisit a dylan mental health story. even if it’s just a one or two episode mention, like they sometimes do with david. i hate to see him suffer, truly, but i feel to just ignore it when the obvious upcoming theme is dylan struggling wouldn’t make much sense.

- another biased one, but more focus on rash!!! granted, we had the gang storyline and rash with paige, but the gang storyline was very poorly ended when rash seemingly moved on with no second thoughts. it annoys me, because rash had such a great opening storyline with his anxiety and david helping him through it, the fact they just seem to have completely left that in the past without any revisiting, especially after such a traumatic experience such as the gang situation, doesn’t make sense.

- no more putting iain in danger. please. i love him, love his character so so much, but it just gets tiring after so much.

- a decent leaving storyline for ethan. love him or hate him, he’s been a core character for so many years. i hope they just don’t send him off in a taxi eastenders style, or do something ridiculous like connies. he deserves a well wrote exit.

- i don’t think this will fit the apparent theme of the upcoming season, but at least one event when loads of the characters lives are in danger. just makes things a bit fun tbh.

[arrthurpendragon]

I get summary notes back from doctor’s visits. It’s so strange to see PTSD on there for the first time. I suppose we can all thank Phil for the PTSD. 

But now that I know I’m doing good. Actually, since Monday, I’ve actually been happy. I’ve always leaned meh. But to actually be happy, even during all the crap. I’m amazed at myself. My new therapist and mental health doctor have called me amazing, remarkable, resilient, strong - and while most of those are adjectvies I’d likely never use for myself (except resilient) getting positive feedback like that has done wonders for me. While I know it’s their job to help hype me up - it’s exactly what I need. And it’s the exact opposite of what I was getting in that toxic environment. Both of them have commented on how toxic that place is, how it has culty tendancies and views not shared by most of socienty, and how they were mistreating me. After knowing me for a few days, they could already see it.

Honestly, I feel like a butterfly that is finally being allowed to come of their cocoon after being forcibly trapped in it.

 I’m beginning to explore my newfound freedom. I bought a few regency-era romance novels. Like, I would never even go near the romance novel section in stores or the library because I thought that someone would see me and then think I was a terrible person. But goshdangit, I’m a sucker for those books. The only way I let myself “get away” with Bridgerton is because I watched the show but skipped the sexy parts. lol.  But kinda starting to understand that if there’s always such a selection of romance novels, then they’ve got to be fairly popular - which means plenty of people read them. And why shouldn’t I be able to enjoy them?

I didn’t go to church this weekend and I didn’t feel guilty about it. Instead, I took time to focus on my personal relationship with God. My therapist described God as an umbrella with different religions as umbrellas beneath it. So, right now - while I’m figuring it all out, I’m just my own Kassandra umbrella under God.

I start testing for ADHD tomorrow. My therapist told me that she’s really proud of me for all the work I’ve been putting into myself lately. Like she even complimented me on missing a session to take care of myself. Who does that? lol.

Right now, things are good. I’m good. I’m so very very thankful for you all.  Your comments and validation of the toxicity helped me see that where I was, was toxic and controlling. I’m looking forward to continuing to grow and in a sense, find out who I really am. Because I don’t know that I’ve been allowed to know who I am, because in a sense, I’ve been conditioned my whole life to be who people say I should be.

Again, just thankful for your support on my journey!

Lots of love!

[ecoamerica]

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[cosmoscourge-a]

I’m going to step away from Tumblr.

So, as all of you have noticed, I haven’t really been on Tumblr as of late. This decision of mine is basically just confirming a state of affairs that’s already been true for the past few months and that I believe will continue to be true. Still, though, because I haven’t exactly discussed it with anybody, this may come as somewhat of a shock, so I would like to take some time now to explain.

Last night I came to a realization about how I’ve felt about Tumblr–I have more or less completely lost the energy to be on here and to do RPs; I do have sporadic inspiration, but on the whole, the thought of doing anything more than short threads with muses I was once super attached to exhausts me. I don’t truly have the will to be on here anymore, even to post headcanons which is what I usually do when I’m too exhausted to RP; every time I think about posting my extensive hcs to Tumblr, I just go “eh, not today.” I do, however, feel more driven to RP one-liners on Discord, so I’ve decided that I would be focusing on that for the time being. However, upon further reflection, I have realized that this is a change that may actually turn out to be permanent. This is why.

As I’ve said in previous posts, my life is starting to get busier. As I move further and further toward law school, I’ve found that I have less and less energy to spend online. Grad school is my biggest chance to finally achieve the financial independence from my abuser that I’ve so craved, and I want to put more of my focus toward it. Publicity is fun, but it’s also incredibly draining because you constantly have to worry about pleasing the crowd instead of simply having fun with your friends. Thinking deeply about my future, this is not where I want my life to be.

Now onto the more important factor. I do want to say that nothing terrible has happened recently that made me do this, but I’d be lying if drama wasn’t a factor in my leaving. My life online has been relatively peaceful as of late, but I’ve had several traumatizing experiences in the past and I would only be kidding myself if I thought that being on Tumblr wouldn’t put me at risk of being traumatized again. In the past, I have been threatened with a callout in retaliation for standing up to someone’s toxic behavior. I have been screamed at by random strangers because they didn’t like my portrayals. I have watched as someone I considered one of my first friends in RP got exposed as a rapist. I have been ghosted by people with whom I’ve shared multi-year friendships. I have been viciously attacked in 3-4 page rants by people who I had once held in the highest esteem and who I nearly trusted with my IRL information, sometimes over the most trivial things. And I have had all-night panic attacks three times within the past year over things that happened online. I do not want to be in an environment where I’m at a constant risk of being exposed to people who will perpetrate these behaviors, because I no longer have the emotional energy to deal with them. I cannot have an all-night panic attack before a crucial exam, or deal with people trying to dig up dirt on me when I’m in the middle of practicing law. I’m 25 and I have visible grey hairs, for fuck’s sake. For my own mental health, I need to recognize that this platform has done me harms that I still haven’t healed from–and I need to move into a safer space for my own protection.

So here’s what’s going to happen. For the next few months until law school starts, we’ll have business as usual: I will be placing more emphasis on Discord RP while continuing to post headcanons and such and to RP on Tumblr whenever I feel like it. However. Starting August 22 (the start date of my law school’s orientation), I will be moving all of my RPs to Discord and Google Docs for the foreseeable future. I will set up private servers with people, and I can also have servers with multiple people in them–but the servers with multiple people will only be populated by friend groups who I know for a fact can get along, because I have no time or energy to moderate disputes should they arise. I may set up a private, password-protected Tumblr blog that stores all of my muse profiles and headcanons just so I can have them all in one place, but I will not be doing this for the public anymore–I intend to just stay tight with my friends.

Thank you all for reading and understanding. Thank you too for all being on this journey with me, and I hope we can have even more fun in this new chapter together. <3

天

[thessalian]

Thess vs Understimulation

One of the more annoying things about getting to know myself better is realising how badly I react to being understimulated. I mean, I’ve always known on some level that I need to be Doing Things, but a lot of times that’s been my desperate attempts to get my head out of the bad place on a far more literal, clinical depression level. Accepting that it’s just probably an ADHD thing is at once liberating and annoying, because it means my brain’s just Like That.

I guess the good thing about self-reflection is that at least it means I know what to do when problems arise as a result. Like, take last night, for instance. It was late, I was tired, I was incredibly hacked off with basically everything, I was stressed to the absolute hilt, and the “try putting food in you; it might help” thing had not worked. I knew that just trying to go to bed would not work. So I played a bit of Dragon Age: Inquisition instead, because Power Wash Simulator and A Little To The Left hadn’t been enough. Apparently I needed something ... at least a bit more than that.

So, understimulation - getting cranky and unreasonable without anything to do. Honestly, I should have figured this one out a long time ago. It’s been a thing since I was a kid. I guess I didn’t largely because it wasn’t a thing that was known about in the mental health sphere (hell, when I was a kid there barely was a mental health sphere of the type we know today) and everything about how I grew up was pretty much geared away from dealing with understimulation to any great degree. Like, I would have done way better with homework had I been able to do it in front of the TV - hell, I did do better with homework when I was doing it with music playing, but it wasn’t quite the same - but my mother was dead set against it and even if she worked late (which was often), I didn’t want to run the risk of her coming home to find me doing my homework in front of the TV and yelling at me. She only barely accepted the music; that was the one compromise we could make. Not sure how I got that one, because when I was younger still, before I could be home on my own, I was having to do homework in an empty office at my mother’s workplace, and there weren’t a lot of opportunities to have music or anything else in an office about half-full of people having to work really late. As for my after-school programme ... there was time set aside for homework but again, not stimulating enough, couldn’t focus.

I guess I figured out somewhere along the line that doing something sufficiently stimulating could make me feel better, because at the worst times of my life, I was grabbing for anything that would help even a little, because the alternative was just not being, and I guess at least some part of me wasn’t ready for that. Which is good, because I would have missed out on a lot if my life had ended back then. Still, I guess that level of desperate clawing doesn’t really give room for a lot of self-reflection, or even looking at exactly how it was helping. Thus I couldn’t necessarily bring it up in therapy afterwards.

Instead, I look at how I live my life now. There’s always something. Of course, there used to be more somethings before the fibromyalgia, and that’s probably why I’m in a less-good place now; some of the things I’d do to help that feeling just make things worse on a different level. I’m struggling to find the balance between “I need to do something stimulating or my head is going to eat itself” and “I have to be careful about my activity level or I won’t be able to do anything for a week”. It’s easier in spring and summer; the weather’s a little better, so I can generally get out a bit more, and I have the gardening. But of course there’s the issue of sometimes the spring not coming as soon as it should because climate change and general meteorological fuckery, which is where I am at the moment. I am itching to plant things but we’re looking at cold snaps and while some of my plants are surviving, seedlings probably wouldn’t. So that’s gardening off the agenda until things improve - or at least until it stops dropping to freezing every night. Obviously there’s been the cooking and associated blog, but on bad pain days, there’s not much to do with that one. (I have plans towards a chicken broccoli pasta bake but it’s been a bad few days and that’s effort I’m struggling to make.) And then there’s video games, which are great but expensive to get new ones and even when the money’s available, I have to curate really carefully to find ones I can play. First-person perspective games still give me migraines unless I’m really careful (I can do things like House Flipper and Fresh Start and Power Wash Simulator, but shooters and the like move too fast for me to manage and the lighting’s also generally a problem), a lot of ARGs exist to be difficult on the combat level so aren’t great for bad pain days, some are made for a controller even if they are on PC and struggling with a bad PC port just fills me with dread, and there are only so many community building sims etc I can play before I’m jonesing for an actual story. The indie market has been my friend, but since people keep insisting that the single-player RPG is somehow dead, even though it REALLY ISN’T, I feel like I’m being pushed out of the entire hobby by my own disability most of the time.

TV’s never been enough. It’s too passive. Part of why I barely watch anymore. I’ll pick up a few things, if I’m interested enough, but mostly I have enough stories in my own head that I’m not going to just sit and passively intake others. I don’t know why books are so different ... except maybe because it means my imagination has to work overtime. That’s probably it. It’s not so much my body that needs to be active (which is probably a good thing because it can’t be anymore, particularly); it’s my brain.

Which, honestly, my brain is garbage and I want a new one. Maybe one that doesn’t automatically set my pain response to “everything hurts” and shuts up once in awhile.

Eh well. Right now I’m going to try to kill this headache (combination stress headache and sinuses; the barometric pressure’s being a bitch today) and deal with combat maps. Hopefull if I do both those things, I’ll have some input into my garbage brain in the form of people I like, and some D&D shenanigans. If not, at least there’s D&D shenanigans tomorrow. ...Honestly, as much as I dislike the commute, at least it got me more brain input. Maybe I should at least try a museum visit during my week off this week. That’s if Tuesday’s phone appointment with the GP doesn’t get me a whole different form of brain input via more invasive tests about the coeliac thing. I’ve typed up enough macros for various biopsies of the gastrointestinal system and seen how many of them had “? coeliac” in the Clinical Details section to be unaware of what’s probably coming next. Hope it goes better than the endoscopy they tried to do on me some years ago. Apparently the sedation didn’t put me under far enough and I still resisted having a camera shoved down my throat to the point where my airway closed along with my oesophagus when they tried. I’m going to love having to explain that to a gastroenterologist...

[penname-artist]

“So, I went beyond...pluuuuuuuus ULTRA” (And other updates)

(Warning: unintentionally long)

Okay, but in all seriousness, I finally feel that I’ve progressed just far enough in the show to state that I got into My Hero Academia. Technically, I’d watched season one and like the first 2-3 episodes of two before, but I didn’t finish it, and now I’m trying to. At the moment I’m about halfway through season 2 and making steady progress. Side note: You SPOIL shit near me and you’re a DEAD MAN! Let me watttttch >:(

Honestly I am fucking loving the series right now, I think aside from Deku, my favorites are definitely Tsu (Froooooggie) and, well, Shoto. You saw that coming, I can understand why he’s an overrated favorite. Feel bad for the kid though, like damn, boi you got some serious daddy issues, would you like a popsicle?

And, having started back up on MHA, I’m getting *cough cough* ideas *cough* for potential AUs and such.

Which actually segues this into another thing, just general life updates.

We had a pretty bad freeze lately, but thank God we didn’t lose our entire state power grid this time around, so it was smooth sailing. Unless you count the fact that we had to go out because I needed to be at work while the roads were slippery as snot. Which, was only one day. So we’re fine.

I also had a fix on the house which has FINALLY deterred the Mystery Creature from showing up at night and disturbing my sleep. After months of restlessness, we found out that it was coming in through a vent outside under my bedroom, and we had it covered. That seemed to do the job, thank goodness.

For mental health and productivity, I can’t really say much on the case; things have been about as steady as they can be, but in that it hasn’t really gone anywhere up, and I’m afraid I might be teetering on top of another depressive slump. Which, at the very least I’m prepared for. I honestly thought it would have been sooner, I had a REALLY bad attack a couple weeks ago and I felt sure it was going to be lasting, but by some miracle, though the attack itself was horrendous, I managed to recover in a record time. The only big downside is that my trauma response seems to have “manifested” (for lack of a better word) into very severe body tremors and shaking. I can control it...somewhat...but it drains a lot out of me. Still, I suppose it’s become more manageable, in a tangible sense. I’m a little less worried about how I react mentally to triggers and more worried about how I react physically. That’s a much easier hurdle to take on, overall.

Though, mental barriers are just as much an issue, if for a slightly different reason, at the moment. I’m honestly really stuck, writing-wise. I have so much I want to work on and so much I try to work on, but just a few paragraphs in I get skeptical because the piece will become jarring and choppy, and hard to maintain. I’ve re-started the same baseline to a Clutch and Tyker fic about four times now.

I’m actually considering doing a deep-clean, throwing out concepts too old and too untouched to really go any further with. I will, of course, keep the important ones, and the pieces that are ongoing, but a lot of the stuff I have in the wings that hasn’t been released is just so fucking dead in the water, I either need to put it in the waiting room or drop it completely. So, not sure where that’s going yet.

Actually, come to think of it, the semi-annual is also coming up.

Been doing this for a few years now but as a re-reminder, I try to take social media times down significantly or else entirely 1-2 times a year, one in the spring and one in the autumn. April and September-October have been my best time frames for these, as they’re not only good distances apart, but they’re in relatively trauma-ey time periods that I need to focus on getting through rather than pushing past. Plus, it’s a great excuse to work on large scale projects and not feel any sort of production-line pressure I put on myself to get them out, because they’re all gonna get stacked in a corner to wait until my return.

So! In recap: I’m probably gonna stick around until April 10th (I wanna at LEAST get to have my 21st birthday in the company of my people) and then probably do a week or two heavily away from things, and then extended time kinda by the seat of my pants as needed. That’s still a ways out, but better prepared sooner than later!

That’s all the updates that I can think of for the time being, for now I’m kinda just trying to Vibe where I can. I want to work on things but my body is giving me a very big “no”, so. Sidelines week it is!

Hopefully you all have a relaxing and/or fun-filled weekend, and until the morrow!

[acelucky]

NYE Post

I love a good NYE post where I summarise the ups and downs of the year and put into thoughts what I’m looking forward to next year. I try to keep it brief, I rarely succeed. I feel this is essentially like those old fashioned round robin letters people still occasionally do in Christmas cards!

Bad bits - All the World Events/cost of living and energy crisis/War and weather aside... I finally caught covid, an old friend passed away in horrible circumstances, my dear bunny Cloud died in June, a relative has fallen very ill and may not have long left to live and at the start of the year my mental health was in shocking shape. I also broke my wrist playing 5-aside football with work in September.

The Good - I completed an amazing course of therapy which has left me feeling so much more confident and happy in myself - it really has changed my outlook on life. I saw the Francis Bacon exhibit at the Royal Academy of Arts in March, I’ve also visited several fascinating museums and exhibitions. There’s been lots of concerts, the most amazing being seeing Placebo again at Portsmouth Guildhall, seeing Joe Jackson with my dad and after years of trying to see them live, getting to see Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds at all points east festival with @cassandrafey  My husband and I had a long road trip up to the lake district to visit his family as well as see where he grew up and visit some of my favourite places too, it was lovely. I did a 27 and a half mile walk with work for charity (The Surrey Three Peaks challenge but we got a bit lost), it was the most physically difficult thing I’ve done in my life and I was so proud of myself. For my birthday we went to Longleat Safari and stayed overnight nearby - we fed the lorikeets and the seals, it was absolutely perfect.  In October my husband and I went abroad for the first time since June 2019, we went to Rhodes, Greece and it was beautiful, relaxing and romantic. We had a lovely wedding anniversary and went to the Theatre to see Swan Lake. And finally we had a 3 night family holiday to Bruges where we experienced all the magic of late Autumn/cold crisp winter and saw all the Christmas lights.

New Year’s Resolutions - I pretty much have one this year and that is simply. To be more mindful. More mindful about what I spend my money on, what I eat, how I take care of myself, how I react to situations, what I reveal about myself at work, how much I drink at comedy gigs, what and who I spend time and energy on. 

Looking to 2023 - On the one hand next year already has some very big plans and will be busy, but due to this my plan is to keep other times quieter than usual and focus more on me and the relationships I hold dear/my home. I’ll still be performing comedy but not doing as much or chasing it, I’ll continue to run the comedy night’s I run and will still perform once or twice a month at new gigs/the best gigs/gigs worth doing and am doing a Split show at Brighton and Ventnor fringe festivals, but that’s it. I want to focus more on the funeral industry and potential career change and my writing.

Plans for 2023 - There’s a few loose ones like my husband and I hopefully going to Ireland for a week. But set in stone the biggest adventure I have is going to New Zealand with my dad in May (and a night in Singapore) to explore, show him my favourite places and see family. We have Beltane Festival at the end of April at Butser Ancient Farm and in September I’m off to Budapest with the wonderful @cassandrafey to see IAMX. Oh and we may have bought tickets to see Def Leppard and Motley Crue in London....

So that’s my re-cap for the year, whether anyone reads it or not, it strangely makes me feel better knowing I’ve written it all down and can reflect in time to come.

In the meantime, I wish you all a very Happy New Year! 

(Photos are of: Cloud the bunny, Sunset in Rhodes, me on my birthday, The Lake District with my husband, Bruges)

[delightful-to-be-read]

Broken Light - Joanne Harris

I’m not counting books I bought in 2024 as beating the backlog. They’re creating the backlog.

Joanne Harris is a writer with range, but unlike, say, Stephen King, the genre she’s writing in really dictates whether I like it or not. I read most of the books set in France in France, but I read them in English because there’s a mystical magic to them that I think relies on being an outsider. Obviously the thread that runs through all of her books, as far as I’ve read, is the voice of the outsider, but that’s not quite what I mean. Anyway, I love them. She doesn’t seem to employ the same magic in her books set in the UK, but possibly that’s because Lasquanet is fictional whereas I can picture getting on the bus to Archway or walking round the backs in Cambridge.

A thing I really dislike with books written in first person is when they’re written with the over-familiar exuberance of someone running an induction session. I don’t feel the need to be addressed directly as a reader; it’s a trait of YA books and that’s where I think it should stay. I found this weirdest of all with a book about Loki and I didn’t get past the first page. But the books about the boarding school are also written in first person, and much more calmly and remotely. More like a memoir than a pitch. This one has a tone more like the boarding school ones. It’s adjacent to the boarding school ones, although St Oswalds has become an Independent instead of a grammar school.

I also love when authors are unafraid to make their characters dislikable. I genuinely think the Gossip Girl books are remarkable because so many, if not all, of the characters are utterly irredeemable and there is never any attempt to redeem them. I think it must take such a strong mind as a writer. Joanne Harris is always good at that, even when her narrators have a pretty good opinion of themselves.

It’s really similar thematically to Weyward, which is strange because I didn’t have a clear idea of what Weyward was about before I started reading it and no idea at all what Broken Light was about. Men mistreat women and get their come-uppence with a little magic. There’s more overt political commentary and I also found the male behaviour in this book to be much more frustrating, much more recognisable as someone who is fortunate enough never to have been domestically abused but does live in the world as a woman among men. The two great tropes:

1. Two women are murdered by their partner a week, but, most importantly, NOT ALL MEN KILL THEIR PARTNER and why can’t women focus on that?

2. Male depression is caused by the erosion of gender roles. Women, won’t you get back into the kitchen? You could save a life.

Also the third, although I think this is in the process of being eroded:

3. If only women had the sense to stay in the kitchen, they wouldn’t be raped and murdered (unless the rapist or murderer was in the kitchen too).

More or less my whole adult life, I’ve refused to take the precautions I’m meant to take because I’m a women and I’ve got very annoyed with my mum, who is only worrying as mums do, whenever she’s worried about me coming home late, etc. I’m now at the point where I’ve pretty much forgotten it’s supposed to be a thing, but I do have echoes of identifying with her running defiance. Besides, I’m a big fan of exercising for mental health, as much as a person is able to.

As we know, exercise does not equal thinness and body positivity is a warmly embraced part of the book. Being positive about a body that doesn’t match gender expectations, a body that doesn’t match sporting expectations, a body that doesn’t match sexual expectations, yet these bodies are bodies that are full of gender, activity and sex. Loving bodies that are strong, loving bodies that have been put through the wringer but still house spirit, loving bodies that are tired but still persisting, loving bodies that make their kids sprint after them through the Alton Towers crowds at 35 degrees because the extensions of their bodies have an accelerator.

Now to read something completely different.