#as usual im trying not to lose myself in Everything I Think Is Wrong With This

[your-fave-is-bi]

He’s discussing his latest thoughts on whatever he’s reading to Dahriel

[rosezza]

࿐Distanced

-r

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warnings: smoking, strong language, soft!jj, mentions of violence/abuse

you were laying on your bed, reading a book you got from the library down the street 3 days ago. you couldnt really dig into it, not finding it as entertaining as you hoped it wouldve been. you sighed and closed the book, placing it down on your stomach as you stared at the ceiling.

your quiet, peaceful time was interrupted with a few knocks on the door, quick ones. you pushed yourself off your bed. taking a coat from your chair as you walked, throwing it over yourself as you made your way to the door. it was probably your mother, wanting to talk about how beautiful her day was or anything else she could think of. she usually came at this time, wanting to visit now that you finally got yourself your own apartment.

but you were wrong.

when you opened the door, there stood your bestfriend, jj maybank, or— ex bestfriend. his hair messy, cuts on his cheek, bruised throat. he was breathing heavily. his eyes half closed as i stared at your confused and shocked face. your lips parted as you took in everything "jj?.." your voice almost a whisper. him and you had not spoken for soon over a year, suddenly he was at your doorstep, all bruised up. he had stopped talking to you without a reason, but you never reached out.

he looked away from your eyes, almost embarassed to be standing here "im-.. i- can i come in." he uttered out before clearing his throat. you nodded slightly "yeah– yeah ofcourse" you said softly as you stepped to the side, allowing him inside. he looked stubborn, like he always was. you could tell he was hiding away emotions under that mask of his. because he usually did.

"what happened?" you asked gently as you closed the door behind you. ,,dad happened" he muttered quietly, trying to keep his composure. your face softened at the mention of his dad, you knew how hard he had it with him

"you're the only one who knows about that– and.." he swallowed "nobody else would get it they would just.. call the cops or sum." he added as he rubbed the back of his neck "im sorry i just came here out of nowhere i just didnt know where to go.." his voice broke a bit as his lip started quivering slightly "fuck i'm stupid.." he brought his hands to his face, covering his eyes

you shook your head and walked closer to him, your arms hooking around him warmly, embracing him like you used to do before. "shh.. its alright, im here" you reassured softly. his arms wrapped around you, hugging you close as tears started running down his face, his composure falling down, showing his vulnerable side to you. but only to you.

your fingers gently caressed his back as he cried into your shoulder, small sobs escaped his mouth as he clung onto you. it had been a while since you were this close to him, but you still recognized his scent of cigarettes.

"im fucked— i've distanced myself from you because i'm a bad influence.. but i can't live without you anymore" he cried into the crook of your neck as his hands pulled you closer to him, his fingers digging into your shirt, gripping it tightly, almost as if he was afraid of losing you again.

"hey its alright, okay? its okay, you can always come to me i don't mind. you don't have a bad influence on me, jj." you mumbled, your fingers still tracing his back, trying to soothe him

he gently pulled back, his glossy eyes staring into yours, his lips slightly parted, a cut visible on his lower lip. he was quiet for a while, he had something on his tounge, threathening to spill out. your gaze darted from his one eye to his other "whats wrong?" you asked softly, his blonde hair hanging over hia forehead. his mouth opened a bit more but he hesitated. until he finally spoke

,,the real reason i left was because i fucking fell inlove with you."

taglist: @rafeownsriley @necroflame

[the-bonfires-ember]

ok so this has a lot of facets so bear with me. standard disclaimer that this is all based on my personal experiences as a narcissistic sociopath; im not a professional and i dont speak for everyone.

anyway.

firstly, yes we do. i think prosocials/egotypicals do it too to an extent but for different reasons and in different ways.

from an aspd perspective, i get annoyed at people and it is no longer to my benefit to stick around them, ill just disappear in a classic ghosting style. frankly i never get to this point anymore because ive managed to surround myself with people i very rarely if ever find annoying. in the past, when ive befriended people and then theyve frustrated me or ive just generally found them annoying for some reason, ive either slowly extricated myself if i could keep getting stuff out of the person or just totally destroyed the relationship so that they stopped reaching out and i could stop expending energy into dodging them. in my head if someone has pissed me off, it means that its going to keep happening and theyve just finally shown me their true colours so i might as well get out now or detach myself so im not going to emotionally invested enough to get annoyed again in the future. essentially this means i stop caring about them at all. as for how fear factors in; it goes a pretty long way back into people being fundamentally untrustworthy and only beneficial in as much as i can get from them. if im putting up with more than im getting out of it, id just walk away because everyone is out for themselves and of course that applies to me too. thats the way ive been taught the world works, and if im not getting any emotional backlash for doing that, why wouldnt i? it just makes sense. im fundamentally out for myself because no one else has been there to help when i needed them in the past.

from an npd perspective, if someones annoying me its likely because i am thinking of myself as being vastly superior to them and find the annoying quirks of them to be proof of their inferiority. the fact that theyve disagreed with me or fought me on something means they dont have the degree of respect and admiration for me that they should. this usually leads to me discarding them out of frustration and ill push them away by just showing less and less interest in them, or the ways i would that i mentioned above. the fear here, as you may be able to guess, is being wrong and being weaker/worse/unworthy. for me, being right and being more esteemed than my peers was a matter of survival in my childhood, and now if someone is starting to chip into the veneer or perfection ive built and maintained they have become a threat and i have to separate before they see too much and i lose everything.

now i dont know why you - orginal messager - asked this question, or why anyone else might be looking for this informatio. i can come up with a few guesses though, so im gonna add a couple things that applies to prosocials and other things that apply to antisocials and narcissists. but ill tuck that away so you can ignore my advice if you want to and just take the analysis.

prosocials - if you have a friend with either of these personality disorders and they are beginning to withdraw theres a choice before you. firstly, you can let them. you can recognise that this person doesnt want to associate with you anymore for whatever reason and allow yourself to be at peace with that. im sure it hurts, especially after what ive said about my reasons for doing this, but if you think you are better off just letting this one go, i support that and encourage you to just slip away with a clean break.

the other option you have, if you want to try your best to keep that person with you, is to address it plain as day. its uncomfortable, yes, but try not to be confrontational. a simple 'hey, ive noticed you distancing yourself and withdrawing and i wanted to check in and find out why and whether or not we can resolve this'. perhaps its cold of me to ask this of you, im not entirely certain one way or the other. but you deserve to try and make it work if thats what you want, and the only way that happens is by addressing the problems and really, truly understanding that the behaviours we exhibit come from a place of fear and the memory of pain. they are trauma disorders. and while trauma does not excuse harmful behaviours it does no one any favours to ignore that its the root of the problem. maybe your friend will brush you off, thats true. they might not be ready to look deeper and thats their right. at which point youve done all you can and now you need to prioritise yourself. but maybe youll make your friend reevaluate, maybe they want to heal. and you can be such a huge part of that by just asking the questions and really listening to the response. its hard work, i know, but i will always be so grateful for the people who made me stop and look at myself and really see.

the third choice is you pretend its not happening and just wait to see if they get past it and come back. they might, its not implausible, but to me this feels like inviting yourself to be treated poorly again later when symptoms flare again and those fears react to something you dont understand or know about.

pwASPD and/or NPD - im not going to try and tell you that you owe it to the people around you to recover. im never saying that. recovery is your decision and it should only be for you. i chose recovery because i wanted to see what i wasnt able to before, and it has been so fucking hard. but id do it again in a heartbeat. its important to note though that i got lucky. really really fucking lucky, and id be doing you a disservice if i pretended otherwise. on that note, here is my advice for those who want to get better and those who dont:

if you dont, if you dont want to see the fear that is reacting to the perceived threat, if its still too painful to look at, just dont. let yourself be blind to it and find comfort in the ways you can. its not cowardly, and its not pathetic. sometimes forcing yourself to stare into a fire is more damaging than its worth, and you are the only one who can decide if it is or not. only you know how close to that fire you are. perhaps its better to distance yourself from this person even if its just for now, or perhaps its better to leave entirely. it depends on how uncomfortable you feel. but i suggest figuring it out quickly and saving yourself the trouble that will come if you string someone along for too long. its always blown up in my face eventually, for what my experience is worth, so deciding on your next move sooner than later saves you a lot of trouble. but perhaps the perks are better than the blow up later on. who am i to say.

if you do want to recover though, firstly, give yourself some credit. the way you are reacting is because this has kept you alive and safe this long, dont let yourself forget that. you arent ridiculous or pathetic or cowardly or whatever else your brain might be saying you are. you are alive, and you are deciding to grow past your trauma and the responses youve learnt to cope with it and thats fucking huge. dont forget it. now the first thing you want to do is really look at what is making you uncomfortable. something is, but itll take some digging. these survival methods run deep, and tracing back to the root of the issue will take time and a lot of work and so much fucking courage. its not easy, im not going to lie, but you can do it. you are worth the time and the work it takes to get the things you want for yourself. find out whats messing with you and see how you can resolve it, either by discussing it with your friend and letting them support you or just rationalising it with yourself. understand that you are able to keep yourself safe, you just have to figure out what you are afraid of being vulnerable to. youre going to be ok, and for the record, im really proud of you.

obviously to everyone: do whatever the fuck you want to forever. im not here to tell you to change your entire life just because i say you should, even im not that egotistical. im just offering my experiences and observations, its up to you what you do with them.

[dorayakichan]

you’re one of the first wb writers that write for the girls & im so glad 😭 they deserve sm 🫶 may I req dating hcs w kaneshiro, shelly & noah? thank you!

Windbreaker characters: Dating headcanon

Pairing: Kaneshiro, Shelly and Noah x gn!reader

Fluff

Kaneshiro

First of you should go and start thanking the Heavens up above for giving you the possibility to date such a goddess. Like have you seen that girl? She is a hell of a fine woman, too fine like I want to be the ground she steps on, kind of fine. (excuse my inability to control my inner simp from showing. I can’t bear keeping my love for her to myself. Let us continue then….)

Kaneshiro might appear as cold and unapproachable to most, but that is not the case for you, her lover. She is always soft, maybe even way too soft with you. No matter what you do, say, or act she is always going to give in to you. Maybe because she finds you cute. But I mean that was the whole reason this woman even decided to give you the time of day in the first place because you are cute. So that is to be expected. 

She is gentle and mature but extremely harsh, having been through so many hardships all of those years it is obvious it has made her that way. Although she is extremely kind only to you when needed, there are moments when she will bluntly tell you if what you are doing, thinking, or saying is in her opinion wrong. But that is also what you like about her. Her bluntness. Her way of speaking the truth when it needs to be said.

Despite her calm exterior, you can notice how her pupils expand a little when her eyes fall on your smiling face or how her fingers linger a little longer on your face after sharing a kiss. 

You can see a shift in her energy everytime you both go on dates, the excitement that only you can notice. How she adores it the most when you take her to a theme park, although there are no words spoken you notice everything, the rides she likes, the ones she doesn’t, when she wants to eat, and when she doesn’t. 

These gestures of yours are never left unnoticed by her. She appreciates and loves it so much and that is also why she never mentions it, hoping you don’t understand that she has already caught you and that you won’t stop acting that way. 

When it comes to your intimate moments well this woman is the leader inside and outside the bedroom and well you are fine with that. The way she kisses and holds you is so sweet and warm that you can notice how much she cares and wants you by her side. 

There are times when her hugs are stronger and more profound than usual, that’s because she feels afraid, afraid to lose another important person in her life. If only you could reassure her that you will never leave her side and nothing bad will happen to you. So instead you kiss her and tell her that it will be fine. Hoping that fate is on the same page as you.

Shelly

Well if you are dating Shelly good luck surviving through Owen's constant interruptions of every date or time alone you have together, her father’s constant death threats, and her grandfather’s glaring stares every time you cross paths. 

Yes, you will be having a hard time dating this woman. But let’s accept it she had a hard time chasing you too. It was her persistence and care that made you fall so hard for her. Now it’s time for you to work hard and get her family to accept your relationship. 

Shelly can comfort and help you like no other. She listens, understands, and knows just the right words to say so she can help you go through even the darkest of times. She is always there, reaching her hand out to you while smiling brightly, making you able to see that there is more to this world than just hardships and sadness. Her love and care for you is unconditional. 

That doesn’t mean that she is strong and doesn’t need someone to be there for her too. So as much as she cares and gives to you, you should try your best to give back to her. 

Shelly is the jealous type. And she will admit it, maybe not in an overbearing kind of way but in more of a calm one in the beginning. She will act in ways to make you see that she is jealous and if you don’t notice she will ask you about the other person and what you think of them. 

She knows you love her and care for her but she will have her moments of insecurity where she will feel like you don’t care anymore about her and in those moments you will need to reassure her that you only love her and that she is the only one for you.

Shelly will be the one suggesting to go on dates and even deciding where and when. As she knows your food preferences, sometimes she will try to adjust to that so you can also enjoy your favorite kind of food. Because she loves you so much, if you ask her to try it even if she hates it she will try it for you.

One thing you need to know is that she is extremely affectionate and her love language is touch, so don’t be surprised when she holds your hand out of nowhere or when she grabs onto your arm putting her head on your shoulder while telling you how much she wants to go somewhere only with you where you both can enjoy some time together in each-others presence away from everything.

Shelly although she doesn’t seem like it, she is shy about kissing you, but that changes only if you are shyer than her. Then she knows she has to take the lead so she leans to kiss you first whenever the chance arises. 

If you are the one to kiss her first, that will make this girl's whole day. You initiating any kind of intimate contact will make her brain and heart explode from happiness, surprise, and excitement. Yep, she is starved for your love as she is always the one to show it first so you better do justice to our girl Shelly and shower her with your love and affection.

Noah

Dating Noah feels like dating a kid with tantrums and an extremely colorful vocabulary. Let’s accept it though you find it funny and are always trying to keep your laugh when she is in that kind of mood. You know that it’s all an act to keep her true kind hearted self from showing. 

She doesn’t want to seem weak even in a relationship with you so although less than with other people she still acts tough. Yet you wish she wouldn’t try so hard to hide her true self from you. You came to terms with the fact that that’s how she feels the most comfortable so you just accept it now. There are times when you also purposely tease her, just to see her throwing those cute tantrums of hers. 

By the way, you are the only one who thinks her angry temper is cute no one else does, and once when you mentioned this to Harry and Owen they looked at you as if you had gone mad. Yep, no one gets it. Because you are the one dating her, and that means that even if very slightly she won’t be as mean and angry at you as she is to other people.

You are also the only person who can stop her from throwing tantrums and that is whenever you kiss her, hug her, say something sweet and unexpected to her, or cook food for her. Then when you do one of these things she will not only quiet down but she will be more affectionate towards you. That’s right you are the only one who knows how to handle Noah and the only one allowed to act with her like that.

Deep down Noah has a fragile heart and you know that more than anyone else as you have seen her break down once after you both fought and you suggested breaking up. After that day you have been more careful with your words, and you’re kinder and even calmer because now you know.

Noah loves it when you take her on dates, especially dates that involve food. Despite the fact that she doesn’t say it, she loves how sometimes you share your food with her, how you go and buy a bunch of all the things she likes, and how you even feed her when she is too immersed in her phone. 

She, like Shelly, is also extremely shy about kissing and intimate moments. A great opportunity for you to tease her to your heart's content, which you never miss. Seeing her blushy state and then getting a cute glare from her makes you want to kiss her even more and well we know how it all ends up after that…..

[copsecore]

my thoughts on the "fanon-isation" of sam (and his newest ba)

(taken from a long winded text conversation i had - slight NSFW talk below the cut) [WORD COUNT: 1047 WORDS, IM SORRY]

psa: while i am complaining about it, it's just my own thoughts, and none of which is an actual criticism of erik, feel free to add your opinions, as per the usual

Maybe its coz time is passing, and the relationship is developing but i feel like i’m enjoying the dynamic between sam and darlin’ a lot less than i did at the beginning. It feels a lot less “human-realistic” and more “tailored for fan preference” (you sam fans gotta hear me out on that bit okay).

Clearly erik isn’t “pandering” towards the fandom or anything, however there HAS been a change in sam’s writing that i don’t know if anyone else can see, or whether it’s just me.

 Fight me, but i feel like whatever’s happening to guy, the reverse is happening to sam. In the sense of where guy is gaining lore and becoming more plot relative, sam seems to be losing that position, which doesn’t cover all of my opinion, but it’s the simplest way i can think of putting it. 

He feels more “disconnected” as a character and I wish i could write this more specifically but there’s almost no “good” way of putting it, i’m just trying to put my vibes about this into readable thoughts in a way that’s somewhat well communicated.

It feels like he’s being diminished, where there’s less of the gruff dad-type personality, protective semi-asshole, gently-caring-in-a-non-tsundere-way, and a lot more “here’s your standard cookie-cutter southern bf who just so happens to be a vampire, however that’s essentially irrelevant because it’s never referenced in a way that’s plot-needed”. 

It’s quite flat and 2D now in a way that i can’t explain, so therefore don’t yell at me for saying it. While he’s still hot ofc, I don’t enjoy his character nearly as much as i did pre-quinn era, which is a shame because it’s difficult to let go of the fact that he’s one of my favourites, but the energy’s shifted and it’s “off” now. 

Maybe it’s because I’ve changed as a person in the last four years, which i know i have, but it doesn’t seem to be just character development, in the nicest way possible, it feels like he’s being written “out of character”.

Character development in any way is good, I’m a writer myself, I would know that, but those words aren’t what i would personally use to describe it. Forgive me, but i just felt like i needed to get everything out so i could see if anyone else agreed. 

You could say “it’s not that deep” but I’m autistic; this is my special interest, so as much as you can say otherwise, it is in fact “that deep” for me. 

Don’t get me wrong, i still thoroughly love sam as a whole, complete character, and the more recent videos that i don’t like as much could never take that away from me, so again, don’t come at me saying i’m “hating on him”, because i’m not.

This is as constructive of a “rant” that i can make it, and yes, my anonymous asks are turned off. I’m not gonna go on about how “i’m not criticising erik, BUT-” because if you know me at all, you’ll know i would never send hate towards him. 

With the “fanon-isation”, that’s just a word i threw out there to header this whole thing. I meant it mostly in reference to how a large part of the fandom seems to idealise or romanticise darlin’s character, and somewhat how that seems to be translating to the canon of their relationship with sam, and thus effecting him as well. But that wasn’t the right wording - the sam fangroup is big, and i’m already throwing myself to enough proverbial wolves as it is.

The thing that sparked all of this - and if you don’t have the patreon then you probably won’t know - is that Sam biting darlin’ for the first time happened in his most recent ba, which wasn’t something that i really liked. It felt weird to me that, even though it was fully communicated and both parties were okay, it would happen FOR THE FIRST TIME in a sexual setting. While it made sense for darlin’s character, it made less sense for sam’s.

 It also means that (at least as i’m writing this) the non-patrons won’t experience the very plot-important aspect that is sam biting darlin’ for the first time, considering how built-up it’s been throughout their storylines, it didn’t feel right.

It almost felt like the only reason the reverse-comfort audio even previewed for a ba was because THAT was the video that fell on release day. The circumstances just didn’t feel right for it, not given sam’s past and everything that happened in the quinn arc. 

i figured it would at least happen with a sit down conversation, in an sfw audio, even if it was ON patreon, but free. Of course - knowing darlin’ - it was going to be sexual at some point, but i didn’t think it would happen for the first time.

 I’m not going into any more specifics on the audio itself, but those are my thoughts on that bit. Sam bites darlin’, and i didn’t like it. My gripe is neither that it happened, nor that it’s not available to the public, but that nothing about the setting or the build up felt right, and it felt like it happened “just because”, which was a big let down for me, personally.

It wasn’t even the first time I’ve gotten the gist that something was “up”, THAT happened in sam’s hbs 2023 audio (NOT the ba, just the youtube access one) where it definitely felt more like “this is what the audience wants” because yes, who wouldn’t want to see a hot southerner get down and dirty in a club? But it didn’t feel right, and I couldn’t put my finger on it at the time, but more so now it seemed like fandom influence of a sorts.

Almost like I was reading a fanfic or something that was posted on here (no hate of course, I would say my "platform" on here is mainly constructed of fan based content, just that it seemed more “headcanon-y” and less Just Canon) rather than something that erik himself wrote.

TL;DR: sam feels more and more “out of character” to me as a long-term viewer, and it all came to a head in the most recent bonus audio

[outermaybanks]

Out of the Woods - ch 2

a/n: okay i know this is an oc fic and that's not everyone's cup of tea which is so totally fine, im just curious would it be better to make each chapter longer like 3k-6k words, or should i keep them shorter but there'd be a lot of them? pls

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Kie liked to fill the silence with question games. Usually basic ones, but we’d already run through most of those. 

“So when are you gonna tell JJ about your huge crush on him?” Kie asked suddenly, making my head whip around. Pope began laughing hysterically which just made me more flustered.

“Shut up, Kie. Pope, stop laughing!” I scolded, dipping my hand in the water to splash it at him, but that just made him laugh more and now Kiara was joining in. 

“Fuck you both!” I said, fighting out giggles myself as Kie splashed me back. When it died down, it felt heavy, like the unanswered question was still aching to be answered.

“Well I think you guys would be good together.” Kie spoke up, obviously feeling the tension.

“Yeah, like fire and gasoline.” Pope teased, earning a smack on the arm from Kie.

“You know the rules. No Pogue-on-Pogue macking,” I said.

“No one actually follows that rule.” Pope said and I rolled my eyes.

“Fine. Something else. What’s your biggest pet peeve?” Kie asked.

“When people pry into my love life.” I teased, earning a middle finger from Kie, giggling.

“What about you?” Pope asked, bumping Kie’s shoe with his.

“My biggest pet peeve? When people give one percent to the environment.”

“What’s wrong with that?”

“We only have one Earth, Pope. We should be giving it 100 percent bare minimum.”

“Right… that’s not fiscally sound.”

“Neither is destroying the only planet we have to live on.”

I saw blue cars pulling up. “Hey, hey, hey- cops.” I said, interrupting their debate. 

“Shit.” Kie mumbled.

“Call them.” Pope instructed.

“I can’t. Towers are down.” Kie slowly stood and hid behind some debris, we followed behind her.

“If I lose my merit scholarship, I’m gonna kill someone,” Pope whispered as we found a place to hide. We tried to listen in, and Pope said maybe they wouldn’t go up there, but Kie wasn’t as optimistic.

“Follow me.” I said, keeping low and sneaking over to the building to go to the other side where the boys had gone into the room. We could see them through the window.

Pope bent down to pick up a rock, but totally missed, so me and Kie picked some up and we all started throwing rocks, aiming for the window. Once one hit the glass, John B’s face appeared in the window and we all motioned that he needed to go, Pope whispering “cops”, as if John B could hear him.

John B disappeared in an instant and I felt my stomach drop. What was the charge for sneaking into someone else’s hotel room? 

“C’mon!” Kie said, grabbing my arm and pulling me. We ran to get back on the boat, with Kiara at the wheel.

“Should we peel?” Kie asked.

“Never leave a Pogue behind.” Pope answered. I was still catching my breath, watching the hotel for any signs of them catching JJ and John B.

“Seriously, should we peel?” Kie asked again.

“Maybe..” Pope answered and I smacked his arm. Just then, the window opened, and JJ and John B climbed out, standing on the ledge on either side of the window.

“What the fuck are they doing?” I asked. Both boys looked like they were having fun. They weren’t rushing to climb down, even though I’ve seen JJ jump from higher. Then something fell from his pocket my breath caught in my throat. The cop looked out the window, so we all turned as if we were just talking. Then they left, and the boys came down, laughing from the adrenaline. 

John B quickly got us out of there and the two began telling us what they saw, and how the cops took everything. I was sitting on the front of the boat, trying to figure out the feeling in my stomach.

“Scooch.” JJ said, walking over to me.

“Fuck off.” I retorted, making him raise an eyebrow at me.

“What’s your problem?”

Instead of answering, I scooted over. “Are you seriously mad at me? You guys could have warned us sooner.” “Well, we would’ve, but Pope was on the math team.��� Kie teased. JJ kept his eyes on me, like he was unsure of me.

“The cops took everything like it was a crime scene.” John B spoke up.

“Did you guys find anything?” Pope asked.

“Hmm…Did we find anything?” JJ said, digging into his pockets, only to pull out a stack of cash and a gun. “No, I don’t think so. Oh, yeah, we did.”

I jumped up to get away from the gun. Pope stepped forward, pulling me back behind him to be further from the gun.

“What the hell?” Pope asked at the same time that Kiara said, “Dude, what?”

“Dude, chill. Come on.”

“Why would you take that from a crime scene?” Pope scolded in disbelief.

Kie turned to John B, Pope started panicking over his scholarship, and JJ tried to reassure him it was fine. Once Pope gave up, sitting back down, JJ turned to look at me, holding the gun up.

“It’s fine, Junie, look.” JJ tried to reassure me, but I wouldn’t even look at him. “Bug..” JJ tried again. Bug was his nickname for me, when I was a kid, my mom would call me Junebug, but when I found out that junebugs were the stinky ones, I made her stop. JJ, upon learning that fact, picked up on calling me bug. 

John B pulled up to the docks, but we noticed a huge group of people, so we hung out under a canopy to watch the chaos.

“Junie, c’mon, we’re not 12 anymore you can’t give me the silent treatment when you’re mad at me.” JJ practically pleaded. He was wrong, silent treatment was the best punishment for JJ, it wasn’t the silence that drove him nuts, it was the fact he knew I was upset with him. 

“Did you hear something, Kie?” I asked, making her roll her eyes.

“Real mature.” JJ grumbled, John B chuckled watching the whole thing unfold. But then, some of the people cleared, and we could see what was causing the chaos, a dead body. A crab fisherman called it in, found him in the Marsh. One of the girl’s that liked to follow JJ around said he was Scooter Grubbs, and that he was out in the storm. “I got a pic, check it out. Dead body.” The girl, Samantha I think, showed each of us the picture, causing me to grimace when I got a peek as she showed it to JJ. “That’s morbid,” I mumbled, grimacing as I turned my head away.

“What kind of boat did he have?” JJ asked.

“Somehow that dirtbag copped a brand new Grady-White. Everyone’s out looking for it.” We all exchanged looks. 

Pope had to run home, but the rest of us went back to the Chateau, sitting in the mudroom. JJ fidgeted with the lighter I got him. “Junie, you talking to me yet?” JJ asked.

“Hey, Jeeb?” I said, getting John B to turn to look at me. “Yeah, Junes?”

“Does JJ still have that stolen crime scene gun?” I asked.

“Mmmm yeah, looks like it.”

“Oh, okay” I said, going back to drawing on the whites of my shoes with a sharpie.

The door flew open, getting my attention. “Okay, so, um… we didn’t see anything. We don’t know anything. We need to have total and complete amnesia.” Pope said, sitting beside Kie.

“Actually, Pope’s right for once. See, I agree with you sometimes.” JJ stood up. “Deny, deny, deny.”

“Guys, we can’t keep that money.” Kie spoke up.

“Okay- not all of us can afford unlimited data plans, Kiara.” JJ retorted.

“We have to pass that off to Lana Grubbs. Otherwise, it’s bad karma.”

“Bad karma to be implicated in a felony, too. We gotta go dark.”

“If that means we get to keep the money, then I agree.” JJ said.

“I don’t agree.” John B chimed in.

“What? Why?” JJ asked.

“Just think about it. This is Scooter Grubbs we’re talking about. Same dude that’s buying individual cigarettes at the Porthole. Shit, one time I saw this dude begging for change in the Save-A-Lot parking lot because he needed gas. We’re talking about a dirtbag marina rat who’s never had more than $40 in his pocket, and all of a sudden he’s got a Grady-White? Just sayin’.”

This would become the topic of discussion all day, John B just couldn’t let it go, bringing it back up while Pope and JJ fished, and me and Kie shared a blunt. 

“Alright, so think about it, Pope. How does a marina rat get a Grady-White?” John B asked.

“Prostitution,” Pope answered flatly, focusing on fishing.

“Square groupers, bro,” John B corrected. “Okay, flying under the radar, no aerial surveillance. They don’t do that stuff during a hurricane. What does that mean? JJ?”

“They were straight smuggling’,” JJ answered. I looked over my shoulder at him, only to find his eyes already on me. I turned back around.

“Smugglin’. And I guarantee there’s a serious amount of contraband in that wreck,” John B argued.

“Hell yeah. Oh-” JJ was interrupted by his line moving and quickly started reeling in a fish. 

After we went back inside, this time, Pope was the one to bring it up.

“For the record, if that is a smuggling ship with illegal contraband on the inside of it… it probably belongs to someone else,” Pope pointed out.

“Minor details,” Kie spoke up.

“They could come looking for it. Taking it would be catastrophically stupid,” Pope argued.

“Right, well,” JJ said, leaning over to take the stack of money from Pope before fanning out the cash. “Stupid things have good outcomes all the time. All we need to do is figure out a way to get into the cargo hold of that wreck. Until then, we just lay low. Just act normal.” JJ finished.

“Right. And how exactly do we do that?” Pope asked. Yep, they won him over.

“Kegger?” Kie suggested, and we all looked around at each other, smiles growing on our faces.

©outermaybanks 2024

[psychewritesbs]

Been reading your opinions on the boy of all time megumi and can I just say firstly, thank you for being so good w words BC man you get his character so well and you're so good at getting into all the little details abt him that I can never properly describe to ppl, Like, the whole breaks the trope while following the trope thing?? YOU GOT THAT ALL SO CORRECT THATS EXACTLY IT IT'S ONE OF THE REASONS I LOVE HIS CHARACTER SM BC EVEN JUST RIGHT OFF THE BAT HE BREAKS THE USUAL STOIC BROODING CHARACTER TROPE(THE trope) BY ACTUALLY CONSTANTLY SHOWING although subtly THAT HE DOESNT HATE EVERYONE?? im getting way off track already i actually popped in here to just ask abt how you think the whole sukuna possessing megumi thing will all turn out?? I honestly feel like slapping myself for not seeing it coming tbh like they talked about the head of the six eyes and ten shadows battling it out to the death before and sukuna kept on hyping up megumi like they were so obviously setting that up there and I just. Denied. But I'm just asking BC personally I think that it would really show the final steps of growth for megumi's character if he is actually able to surprise sukuna, even for a little, and come back from the depths of where ever tf he is rn bc yk his whole issue w/ self worth and what he believes he's capable of and I just wanted to know what you think the best outcome for his character would be? Sorry this is such a mess I just have so many thoughts zooming around my brain and I'm trying to...make them make sense...

ITS THE MEGUMI LOVE!!!! Yessssss. Thank you for sending me Megumi love! I love getting Megumi love 🫶🏼.

Man, Megumi is just such a good character. Truly one of Gege's best. Everything he's done with him from how his character is based on the trope while also subverting the trope, to his backstory and his growth arc and how it's been executed... It's poetic justice.

I love Megumi so much, and any time I see someone hate on Megumi for really shallow or toxic reasons I just lose all faith in humanity. It's one thing to not care for him as a character and quite another to dislike him for being a "disappointing deuteragonist" because he's "weak", "hasn't had character development", and "did not master 10 Shadows"..................................................

Bruh...

ANYWAYS ��� you see... this is the thing... I am trying really hard not to speculate about what might happen regarding Sukuna WHICH IS EXACTLY WHY I'M GOING TO SPECULATE BECAUSE I LOVE SUKUNA BUT FUCK SUKUNA!

ehem. More of me not being normal about Megumi under the cut.

Ok in all seriousness... with chapter 230 and how Sukuna forced Megumi to take the brunt hit of Unlimited Void, something shifted in me.

For some time I've been reluctant to make any predictions about Megumi coming out alive because I don't want to have preconceived expectations coloring my weekly reading experience, but mostly because, like Megumi, I have a tendency to bunt instead of swinging for the fence so as to not experience disappointment. Read this to mean I don't want to get my hopes up about Megumi surviving.

That is not to mention that I took Sukuna possessing Megumi's body personal. idk, something about seeing Megumi lose his agency felt both so wrong and yet so right on a metaphorical level. Wrong because DAMN YOU SUKUNA GO BACK TO YOUR BODY! and right because... as you said, Megumi had it coming both from a narrative and psychological perspective.

From then on, we just saw him sink deeper and deeper into learned helplessness and despair, culminating on this beautiful image of him in the fetal position.

Truly a reversal of ego back into the metaphorical mother (the unconscious) as though he was in the birth canal waiting for rebirth. And come to think of it, in the Japanese fandom, one of the more popular theories revolved around "birth" or something like that.

So with ch. 230, my hope for Megumi is renewed somehow. A lot of people think he's done for, especially after UV. But I'm on camp #this is going to backfire badly on both Gojo and Sukuna... or at least I hope it does.

So....

I'm just asking BC personally I think that it would really show the final steps of growth for megumi's character if he is actually able to surprise sukuna, even for a little

EXACTLY! And see, this is the thing, I don't want to see Megumi be saved by anyone other than himself. If Megumi is saved by others, then he didn't learn his lesson.

Basically, Megumi has taken Tsumiki's place as the Sleeping Beauty that is in need of rescuing. He's become a passive agent in his own life, which is exactly what gave Sukuna an opening.

If Gojo or Yuji, or anyone for that matter, comes in and saves Megumi without Megumi putting up a fight, then this whole growth process is metaphorically and literally aborted.

Like you, I personally think that this period could be a metaphorical gestational period for Megumi and I wonder if he's going to reach a tipping point where the anger he feels is stronger than the learned helplessness or something like that.

I just wanted to know what you think the best outcome for his character would be?

ALL THAT TO SAY THAT YES. Sukuna might be my other fave, but I am looking forward to either Megumi giving him a hard time or straight up beating the crap out of him.

Megumi has earned that privilege.

Right now, I am wondering how UV has affected Megumi's brain and what that will mean for his behavior. My hc is that his negative self-image is partly due to "reason". In other words, reason = his sense of self as the story he tells himself about himself.

But Megumi levels up because of imagination. Now that he's been hit by UV (I understand it's been 5 times?), how has being flooded with infinity affected the left (reason or logic, analytical) hemisphere of his brain?

Another idea I've been keeping quiet about is that part of the rebirth process involves moving through hell and up into heaven (a la Dante's Divine Comedy as a metaphor for a process of initiation or enlightenment). Megumi right now is sinking in hell as he comes face to face with inner evil.

So can we expect him to come back up? Will Beatrice make a cameo? I'm looking forward to whatever the cursed cat is cooking.

I just have so many thoughts zooming around my brain and I'm trying to...make them make sense...

ahaha, same tho.

Hey thanks again for the Megumi love, the kind comments, and for stopping by! Here's to hoping Gege does bring our boy back 🙌.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw:hallucinations, religious themes, abuse

Seeking: reassurance and advice if any can be given

So, I hallucinate. I feel like bugs are crawling on me and biting me, I hear things such as it sounds a muffled conversation happening in another room while I'm home alone. I see shadow people and animals. Hear footsteps and feel like things are either jumping on my bed or violently shaking it. Along with being touched and feeling like someone is always behind me, about to grab me. And I've desperately tried to rationalize it as I'm a minor im still growing and so is my brain so maybe it's just my brain changing. And my mom is no help she just tells me I'm in tune with the spirit world. Lately all of it has gotten a lot worse like I can't sleep and when hone alone I'll sit frozen with some sort of weapon in hand and just watch the room because I'm so scared even when I know it's not real. And the one friend I trust to talk to about this is religious and they say its demons, and I should pray. I know they mean no harm by it. The problem is that I also used to be religious so it strikes an extra chord of fear and guilt into me when I'm already on edge and feel like I'm losing it, like at that point I'm desperate and about to get extra pious if it would make it stop even if I dont believe in it. I'm just so scared and tired. I feel terribly childish because this has actually made me afraid of the dark again which is really embarrassing at 15. But seeing and feeling things in the dark is so much worse and I lose so much sleep and I'm already often not in a good place mentally due to so many things and the lack of sleep makes everything so much worse. I can't get help because I would have to talk to my mom and tell her why and she already sees me as a hypochondriac so she doesn't take me seriously and she thinks the hallucinations are spirits. And I'm not willing to tell her about my mental state due to my lack of trust for her since she is abusive, or at least I think she is, which is according to anyone I've told about her. Because like I can't bring myself to trust her again. I'm not sure if I can ever forgive her. I've been beaten for simply crying too loudly and I was pretty little at the time maybe 4 or 6. She knocked the qind out of me by throwing i a water bottle at my stomach when I got frustrated with homework and because I had asked for help multiple times to no avail. I was like 9. In more recent events I've been punched for simply standing in the wrong place at the wrong time while she was in a bad mood. She through a glass at my head, missed and now there's a dent in the wall. We got I to an argument about who knows what, but she threatened to beat me with the belt, and I was so stupid for this, but I grabbed a bat and threatened to hurt her if she tried. And that was so stupid because maybe I would have gotten away if I had had just shut up. She took the bat from me beat me across the back with the belt. And I ahet myself so much for this, but when I'm scared I laugh, and I started laughing. And in the past this has benefited me because it weirded her out but this time she got angrier and hit me in the back kf the head with the belt buckle. After she left she kept coming back to try and restart the argument and I didn't react because reacting never helps and usually escalate to a beating. But I got called stuck up and other things and u think eventually I started arguing back and she pinned me to the bed and started punching me repeatedly which left my arm all black for like two weeks. Then she started throwing my candles at me, which are really heavy and bruised up my leg. And another time she nearly backed the truck into me after she yelled at my to get out and for the next month or two threatened to do it again. Then she eventually tried to tell Me it was an accident, but I don't know what to believe because she threatened me. She's just done so many things. I'm sorry if this is too detailed or triggering or anything I just really needed to get it all off my chest.

-Nyx

Hi Nyx,

I'm so sorry to hear about everything you've been experiencing. I wonder if the hallucinations you experience are exacerbated by the abuse you've been suffering and the religious comments that may be enabling them. It definitely sounds like your mom is abusive physically and emotionally and that makes me concerned about your safety and wellbeing. I strongly recommend reaching out to a crisis line such as 741741 or 988 and they can help you get in touch with more appropriate resources from there, whether it's SCR or a shelter. Please also feel free to browse this spreadsheet of alternative crisis resources. If anyone has any other recommendations, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[milchig-de]

Vent

Pairing: Character & Reader

Summary: You talk about your problems. Not relationship related.

Warnings: This is basically just vent writing. Very depression, existential dread

Notes: i imagined scaramouche as the character but you can put whoever you want there. ill tag it as scaramouche x reader bc of that but really it doesnt matter. its one am, im tired and sad. please dont be mean to me

_______________

You sit on a chair, a beverage in front of you. It is a warm day, although not warm enough to be unpleasant. Lifting the cup to your lips, you take a sip. You are unable to discern what you are drinking. You put your cup down again.

Someone approaches you. They sit down in front of you. You greet them and they greet back.

Silence.

What are you waiting for? Start a conversation.

"So... nice weather we have?"

The person across you doesn't respond. The look in their eyes tells you something is wrong. They seem to doubt you, ask you if that is really what you wanted to say. They ask if you truly do not have other questions to pose.

You unnecessarily clear your throat.

Another silence.

This person isn't here to make small talk. Think of a meaningful question.

...

Or don't.

Truly, if you have nothing important to say, why are you here?

"When do I ever have something important to say? My life bears little meaning in the greater scheme of things."

The person still sitting across from you answers.

"Perhaps that is so."

"Then... why should I say anything?"

"You can sit in silence. But isn't that boring?"

"That's precisely why I always say nonsense. It's better than bearing this agonizing silence."

They do not respond.

Speak from your heart.

"Sometimes I wonder... If none of what I say is of importance, what even is the substance of me? In other's eyes I am defined by what I do and say. So am I not essentially unimportant?"

"Do you consider yourself unimportant?"

"..."

"I guess I do. I don't particularly care about myself. I barely feel as though I even have a presence. I perceive and interact with the world I am in, but I do not take the time to truly spend time with myself."

"What does it leave you with?"

"A certain sense of... emptiness."

"What do you do about it? Do you just let it fester inside you like a some species of mold? Like some parasite?"

"I usually fill it with things that aren't real. Hell, I'm doing that right now. You aren't real, this place isn't even a place and this beverage isn't anything."

You point at your unidentifiable surroundings to stress your point.

"But when does it end? When do you lose your touch with reality? When does your true self begin? Do you even have one? Or has your entire existence been based on things that aren't there? On things so terribly out of reach that it's fucking pathetic you're still trying?"

...

"I know I'm weird. And I know this weirdness makes me unloveable. I don't know what to do about it. Everything I do only makes my life worse. Every day I wake up alive, I see no possible improvement. No one will come around to help me. That isn't how it works. I need to be proactive, but do I even deserve any help? I haven't done anything of importance and all I will ever reach is mediocrity. What's the point in trying if I will only come so far? "

...

"Maybe there is no point."

Both of you look to the scenery. It's quite beautiful. Perhaps it, too, is undeserving. But at least it is there. Even if the point is truly gone, you will still be here, for better or for worse.

"For worse, I'm sure."

Regardless of it all;

Tomorrow is another day.

[commiicc]

Hi. I'd like to talk a little about my time on social media as an artist. I'm sure a lot of this has been said by a ton of artists before me, but I'm going to say it again anyways.

My online handle is @ commiicc. I've gone by the alias Comic for a few years now. I was extremely active of Twitter during the height of the DreamSMP fandom. My time in this community brought me many memories and experience. Both good and bad. Today, I just want to focus on the art.

In my opinion and experience the art community of the DSMP fandom was so incredibly toxic. Artists were the backbone of the community. It was said time and time again. But this held many artists to unfair expectations. The turn around on art was insane. If art was not posted directly after or the day after the stream/ event it would flop. Posts would circulate about the perfect posting times, which I would memorize, then be so sad when I'd post at those times and a price would still fail. I'd blame myself. I'd internalize it and think I just wasn't good enough. It was never my art. It was simply the shit algorithm that is any social media, but that didn't stop me of course.

And I watched so many young artists beg for followers, because validation meant everything. And we all wanted to be mutuals with the popular, big twitters because that meant we'd made it... right?

I watched followers drop and people ask if they'd done something wrong to deserve it because canceling was so common. It was usually just bots being deleted, but "what if I did something wrong" was always everyone's go to.

Going back to artists being the backbone of the community and pumping out content. I used to say how thankful I was for the community because it made me grow and find my style. But in reality, I only found my style once I stepped back and took time on a piece. I was just slapping shit together back then. I hated most of what I made during that time. It was all rushed. Because no one gave me time. I always felt so rushed to post something so it gets attention. Post something so my followers don't think Im leaving. Because if you took too long to post (more than a week) you'd start losing people. I was a small artist and craved that attention... So I forced myself to create, even if I had no ideas. It's pushed me into burn out.

I'd compare myself to other artists who somehow created masterpieces in like two hours when it took me ages to do anything. I compared myself to everyone and hated everything I did. It was incredibly unhealthy.

I've only just now started making things I enjoy again.

Even when I switched fandoms I was still in the mindset of pushing out art, so I hate it all.

Only after burning myself out can I now restart and find my style... Can I now actually create again.

And I know that's just the culture of social media. and people used to tell me "just don't care" "just don't look at the views". do you know how hard it is to be a 16, 17, even 18 years old and NOT look at that??? to be a new artist and NOT care how much attention your art gets??? when a content creator that you love can see your fanart and has actually seen it.. all humans want is validation. Social media prys on that toxic need. On that innate human need. Cause yeah, we all want to know that what we're doing looks good, but holy shit was that place bad.

And I KNOW I'm not the first person to say this. I'm just trying to share my experience and I'm putting all this disclaimer here in case... So please just check yourself and remember we're all human. Social media is kinda awful and this is literally just my blog to share long thoughts and archive who I am. My time on social media fucked me up a little and I'm just now realizing it. That's what all this is.

So yeah all this to say, I'm done posting my art on social media for now. I'm done pumping out art just for the sake of it. When I create something worth sharing, I'll post it. But for now, I'll be in my comfortable void. I'm around and always willing to chat about the art making process or just chat in general. I'm creating. I always have been. I'm just not sharing it. It's not for your eyes.

It will be when im ready.

And new artists, young artists, any artists; your worth is not determined by the views or likes a post gets. Your art is worth more than any amount of attention it gets on social media. Don't create for attention. Create because you enjoy it. Create for yourself. That's where the magic happens.

thanks for reading. sorry this is long. I'm very wordy. thanks for being here.

- Comic

[7ndipity]

Hiiii! Happy new year love! 💞 I hope your shipping game isn't over. So let me introduce myself. 🫶🏻

Sun - taurus

Moon - Pisces

Rising - Sagittarius

I tend to be very introverted, however if I meet someone who's also very introverted, I kind of take the lead and become very extroverted, especially in situations where someone has to take action about a certain thing.

I like to think I'm open-minded, trying to understand everyone's perspective no matter what. I only respect and appreciate people who respect me too!

I overthink a lot and I get pretty self-conscious about myself. Im also very stubborn. I wouldn't say I'm very ambitious considering that I get demoralized easily and I need someone to support me especially emotionally. As much as I try to keep calm, I lose my temper very easily, but I'll quickly get over it if I get a few minutes to spend alone and really process the situation. I get overwhelmed a lot and I'm in constant stress. I have severe trust and abandonment issues.

English is not my first language and I'm a polyglot. I speak my mother language (I don't want to say what language it is), English, French, German, mandarin, Italian, basic Latin (I had to learn it in school 😔) and I'm currently learning Korean. My major at uni is history and I'm living in the balkans. (Maybe the last part wasn't necessary 💀)

I love history and foreign languages and cultures, I also love writing, drawing, fashion and reading!

Since I was 14, I do many fashion sketches.

My love languages (that I like to give to my s/o) is drawing them, physical affection and words of affirmation.

I also would love to receive praise and physical affection but if my s/o isn't okay with that then it's alright. I can live without it as I've been doing until now.

I like to read non-fiction, history, thriller and fiction literature and you can ask me anything about history and I will tell everything you like I'm some voice narrator on a documentary 😭

I watch mostly just documentaries and thriller dramas.

So as I've said at first, I'm introverted, but if I'm comfortable I quickly am very loud and social, however my social battery dies fast so I will at some point become suddenly silent. I also have adhd and anxiety. I used to suffer from depression since I was a little kid. I've got plenty trauma 😊 and I'm very scared of the dark and insects, like spiders for example.

I don't like dancing and singing, mainly because I'm bad at those 💀 and I also don't like painting.

Usually I'm the therapist friend and I never share anything about my personal life to my friends, I keep my problems to myself.

I love cats and skincare and I listen to music constantly ever since I was a baby.

I'm not very fond of petnames that couples use. However if someone calls me "love" or "darling" I will simply die

I can get quite possessive and jealous, but I don't usually show that to my partner or do anything about it at all. Mostly because I know it's a toxic trait so I keep it to myself as I don't want to potentially hurt or make my s/o feel bad.

I'm very loyal and loving. When people yell, don't let me speak or interrupt me while I'm speaking I get either very pissed or i simply just cry 🫠 I can get very triggered when someone yells at me

When I'm hurt, affected or upset about something that someone did to me, I will isolate myself and not tell them what's wrong until it's too late.

I dont like people telling me what to do.

I'm sorry if this was very chaotic written and not organized at all, I just wrote whatever came to my mind about myself (watch me forget to mention some important details about myself 🤦🏻‍♀️) but yeah, basically this is me. 🫶🏻

I would ship you with Yoongi and Hobi!

You and Yoongi have super similar personalities imo, so I feel like you would understand each other really well! Like even the way you described sounding like a docu narrator reminded me of how Army joke that Yoongi’s a walking encyclopedia on so many topics!😭(also Pisces are really great matches for earth signs like Taurus)

Yoongi and Hobi both have very supportive, reassuring energies, and tend to be the therapist friends as well, so I think they would be good at helping you open up and making you feel safe. I also feel like they would lowkey be a bit protective over you.🥺

I also kinda feel that you and Hobi would be a pretty good match! You have several similarities, and he also has this ability of bringing out the best in people and making them feel really comfortable, so I feel like he would be your ultimate hype man!😊

Hope this was okay💜

[scarreads]

For all those who suffer with mental health, you are not alone.

From when I was just 13, I started to notice a shift. External or internal i did not know. Speaking became harder, listening near impossible, I started ignoring every little aspect of my life. This is how my story starts, many others as well I'm sure.

Sitting here, writing this, expecting every aspect of it to be perfect i began to reimburse some of my worst moments. Seeking inspiration in my downfalls, stumbling along them, trying to find value in my struggles. Disheartening, i know. I don't just want to write some beautiful, captive story without meaning for others. No one is perfect and I'm here to share my imperfections.

Strolling through the lingering people, watching them laugh, watching them live. Running up to same old concrete spot my group sits in, i wait. Minutes trickle by, no one is showing. My hands begin to sweat, I'm clammy despite the harsh winter breeze. This isn't like them. I'm a little on edge when they trickle in one by one, merrily sitting down striking up conversations. Smiling at them all I pretend to be my usual confident self, not quite feeling it. They don't notice of course, if they did I wonder what they'd think.

Losing myself in thoughts of foul words and angry tears I forget where I am. Right, don't make a scene. Don't make a scene. They wouldn't do that..

Standing up, I head off' to class early, afraid I'd combust if not. I need to distract myself. Trying to focus on my teacher I notice a spike in my pulse, surely it's nothing right? Seconds feeling like hours, eyes burning, chest constricting, i notice how sweaty I am, how even when I’m panicked no one is paying any attention to me. Good, they would think I'm a freak. I'm safe, I'm fed, i have an education, I'm good at everything I do. Little did they know my "perfection" was a persona. Cmon, don't get distracted. Breathe in, hold, breathe out, repeat. Nothing. Shit, shit, shit, shit. This is bad, this is bad, I'm going to make a scene, people are going to hate me. I can already feel their ire, burning through my lungs, halting my breathing. Im stuck. The distinct feeling of acid running down my throat hitting my stomach is nauseating. I'm going to throw up. My vision was starting to blur, my body vibrating, my lunch fighting for an appearance. I have to get out. Excusing myself outside I burst into gut renching sobs. What is wrong with me?

[kdramacrybaby]

Big Mouth (2022)

Genre: Crime, Law

Synopsis: Park Chang-ho is a rookie lawyer still trying to get his own business up and running, but he keeps losing cases and can't find enough work. One case he loses attracts media attention, and he is contacted by the mayor of the city to represent a case for him. Thinking this will be his big break, Chang-ho takes the case, but he trusts the wrong people and finds himself in prison. In prison, he is mistaken for the infamous swindler known as Big Mouse, and suddenly there are enemies everywhere. Now a part of a bigger game than he ever expected, he will have to play and win to survive and protect the people he loves.

Episode info: 16 episodes / Runtime around 60 minutes

Lead cast: Lee Jong-suk (Park Chang-ho), Im Yoon-a (Ko Mi-ho), Kim Joon-hun (Choi Do-ha)

Link to watch: You can watch on Disney+ or Dramacool

Drama rec masterlist | Drama rant thread (beware of spoilers)

Overall, I really liked this drama, and right from the first couple of episodes, it reminded me a lot of Vincenzo - which is one of my all-time favorite dramas. So if you've seen Vincenzo and liked it, you will most likely enjoy this drama as well.

As for warnings, it is pretty brutal with a lot of violence - blood, murder, torture - you name it.

Unlike Vincenzo, though, there is not much comedy in this drama, so there is little break from the dark intense scenes. I find myself not minding it too much, as it didn't ever get too dark and heavy for me.

This drama gets confusing - at least for me - and I had some trouble keeping up with... pretty much everything. I do think that is very much intended, as the drama does everything it can to throw you off for as long as possible. I guess several different scenarios throughout the drama, and I was wrong pretty much every time - I like that though! It's nice with a drama where you can't see everything coming from a mile away.

It did take a while for me to really get hooked, as I found the first episode sort of slow, but after that it really picks up speed and rarely slows down, so you better pay attention.

I don't really have a lot of notes from watching through, and that usually indicates that I spent more time watching than complaining.

Lastly, I think the actors were phenomenal. Creating a dark drama like this takes someone who can really convey they... how should I say it - the crazy in the eyes? The proper intensity is what I mean. Some people aren't suited to play evil, but I was really impressed with them all.

Should I pick between Vincenzo and this, I would pick Vincenzo, but this is definitely up there too!

[ask-chef-teruteru]

i have generalized anxiety disorder and most times it’s really hard to believe the things people tell me. typically when im doubting things and people reassure me. do you have any advice? i try to stay optimistic,

“My apologies, hon, I just wanna be on the same page here— do y’all mean doubtin’ things in terms o’ self doubts, or somethin’ else? Is there somethin’ specific y’all tend t’ need reassurances on?

I ain’t no expert, I don’t got a formal diagnosis or nothin’ like that, but it’s fair to say I struggle a lil’ bit with anxiety sometimes too, so I s’pose I can tell y’all some things that work for me?

Used to be worse when I was younger— ‘fore I won a few competitions, got my ultimate title— back when the diner was strugglin’ financially n’ it felt like everything was goin’ wrong all the time all at once. Would get myself all in a tizzy, would start off worryin’ over one lil’ thing that’d snowball into another thing n’ another n’ another ‘til pretty soon I was a mess n’ needed help calmin’ down.

'I wasn’t feelin’ too confident on that last dish, it didn’t look as pretty as it did last time I made it. What if it didn’t look right cause I made it wrong? What if it was burnt or I forgot an ingredient or it was underdone? What if the person who ordered it’s a renowned critic n’ I blew our chances o’ ever doin’ any better? What if that critic doesn’t like the food cause I screwed up and writes an awful review and nobody ever comes back? How will we live? The diner’ll go under if we don’t get no customers, we won’t have no money to live, Mama won’t have no more money for medicine, what if Mama gets worse? What if we lose the diner’n that stress gets t’be too much for her? What if she hates me for it? It would be all my fault!'

I’m panickin’ picturin’ myself livin’ on the street n’ Mama in an early grave n’ hatin’ me with her last breath, n’ ain’t nothin’ ever even happened, mind you. Weren’t no complaints ‘bout the food, opposite in fact, n’ me worryin’ myself sick didn’t do no good.

O’course sometimes things do happen that don’t go good, but anxiety makes mountains o’ mole hills. Situations where y’all got the time to worry ‘bout somethin’ bad happenin’ ain’t usually gonna end with the worst possible outcome. Really though, even the times when it feels like things couldn’t get no worse, life still goes on. Always sounds like an eye roller of a thing t’ say, but it’s true. If ya screw something up for real n’ it ain’t all just nerves, things won’t always be just as bleak’s they feel at that exact moment. It’s hard to get outta your own head, but y’all really gotta try to take a step back, try to rationalize, think about it from somebody else’s perspective.

Next time you’re feelin’ anxious ‘bout somethin’ y’all did, try thinkin’ ‘bout how you’d feel if somebody else had done it. If Mama’d made a dish that weren’t good n’ we got a bad review from somebody important n’ it meant financial ruin, I still wouldn’t have started hatin’ her or worryin’ ‘bout how to go on— it woulda just been a bad thing that happened that we’d learn t’ live with, y’know?

Ya gotta not be your own worst critic n’ gotta not assume people’re just tellin’ y’all sweet lies when they’re try’na reassure y’all. A lot o’ things you’re anxious about aren’t gonna cross other people’s minds ever again. That time y’all answered a question wrong n’ only realized it once the person walked off n’ there was no good opportunity to correct yourself? Moment’s passed, that person would probably just go 'oh okay' if y’all told them later. Ever waved at somebody cause you thought they was wavin’ at you but they were actually wavin’ at somebody behind you? Now that person just thinks you’re friendly cause you’d wave back if they waved at ‘em first.”

“I feel like I’ve gone on a while now and I don’t actually know how on the mark I am with any o’ that, so please don’t hesitate to talk to me again n’ follow up if I weren’t helpful, so I s’pose I’ll leave it at that for now. I hope I’ll hear from y’all soon!”

[a-quietly-crying-ostrich]

caught myself going into a rant in tags so why don’t i just make a post and go wild

reblogged a post abt good gift ideas and they mentioned cd’s and i’m getting a cd player this christmas which i’m really happy abt!!! i have like four cd’s rn but i should ask for a thing of blank ones. i don’t know how to put stuff on them but i swear i will fucking learn

physical stuff my beloved <333. im on my phone way to fuckin much so just move stuff i do on phone off of phone. i’m genius

read somewhere that you should get off your phone like an hr before going to bed but i’m usually reading fanfics then so i was thinking abt printing out fanfics.

main problem i see with that is formatting. i don’t want a printer paper per page, just smthn like half of one. but if you print double sided pages it doesn’t really line up

front side being red and back side being blue (those first two should be landscape not portrait but i don’t feel like going back n changing it :p. so if you print it like that and fold it hamburger style it just ends up being read/formatted like half of back page, all of front page, then other half of back page)

it goes kinda like that and idk the best way to get around it.

i could digitally format it in google docs so that the back,front,front,back turns out how i want but if i need to edit anything then the entire formatting would be fucked and it’d be really confusing jumping back n forth so i’d prolly get confused and print it wrong

i could make it so just one half of the front and one half of the back is printed then cut the bottom part off but that’d be wasting so much paper

and i don’t think i can just have it printed anywhere bc that’d be copyright infringement right? i mean im not selling them, they’d just be for personal use but idk

and i don’t wanna hand write them if i can avoid it. one fic i’ve been trying to figure out how to print is 60 pages long in google docs, two columns, 11pt arial, 1.15 spacing, landscape orientation. i’d lose my hand before i finished that shit.

idk but i have the whole winter break to figure it out so hopefully i find or come up with something.

kinda going back to the present list post, i think a toolkit is a really good idea! my stepmom got me one for last christmas (at least i think it was) and i fuckin love it.

i really wish i was taught how to use tools growing up i know jack shit. like i think i know how to use like half of the stuff in the kit theoretically but *i want to know all of it*

in my criminology class it was mentioned in a lecture that people with low self control prefer physical tasks over mental ones. i don’t have good self control that isn’t a surprise and i fucking LOVE to work with my hands when i get the chance.

(i was thinking, ppl with adhd usually have low self control (i know bc i have it skdhdj), could that be a reason we like physical tasks? food for thought)

i’m checking out of my dorm soon and we have to take everything out of our bathrooms (literally fucking everything) so i had to dismantle a tension rod soap rack holder and part of a little over the toilet cabinet. it’s dumb that we had to do that but holy shit the happy i got from doing the tasks. i had to unscrew four nails (real complex shit, i know) but i really liked doing it! like there was physical proof that i did that!!! holy fuck!!! i don’t get near that happy doing good on tests

idk just something about being able to do that was really validating to me. and i got to use my toolkit again!!

i asked my dad and stepmom if they could help teach me more &/or get more experience w tools n shit and they said yes! they built like half the furniture in their house so they know their shit. and they also said they’d help me learn how to cook more!

i love my mom and stepdad so fuckin much and couldn’t imagine growing up without them. but man did they not teach me many life skills :// what i did learn is what i actively asked about as i got older

my siblings on my dad’s side are just so much better prepared than me or my sister on my mom’s side that i live with. ngl i’m kinda jealous of them for that lol

like ~half a month ago during thanksgiving break my grandpa taught me how to check my oil and windshield fluid in my car and they’re such tiny details but i loved learning about those

headed down to stay w him tomorrow, think i may do a bit of info gathering and ask about things

hmmm…. i… am going to finish the rest of this in google docs holy fuck i should start a journal again but is that actual me or the adhd meds talking

[homestucky]

tw for pretty heavy discussion of diet, body image, weight, eating disorders etc. and emetophobia

so i grew up overweight. ive been overweight my whole life pretty much, with the exception of maybe 2 years when i was around 19 where i was a little lighter.

im a practical person. im a reasonable person. i grew up a tomboy. i dont like shallowness. i had minimal interest in sex and relationships. i was never rejected for my appearance. looking conventionally attractive has no reason to be a high priority for me

but still

i am completely insane.

there is no other way i can say it concisely. and i suspect that if you did not grow up overweight, perhaps particularly as an overweight girl/afab person, there are some things you just cant understand, because how would you even know?

so yeah, insane. like, obsessive. deluded. unable to fully comprehend reality. i cant tell what i look like most of the time. from the age of about 7 i fantasised daily about being skinny. fantasies about shedding my outer layers and showing everyone. and i wasnt even usually someone who wanted to impress or appease boys or ‘cool’ people. i honestly am not that motivated by what people think of me. yet my goal was always - figure out how to lose weight.

any eyelash i wished on, any 11:11, it was that. i thought about it every day.

and there was honestly no reason for it. it felt like life or death sometimes. i TRIED to have eating disorders. it feels so shameful to admit - i tried and failed. its so easy to imagine how funny that might be to some (mean) people. if i dont eat regularly, i literally get faint in a way that impacts my functioning VERY quickly, and other people can see. my gag reflex does NOT work. and trust me, i have tried. for hours, once. but I cant even do that right. id binge but i couldnt purge. my body would not let me give the food up.

‘i tried to be anorexic but i got too hungry’, ‘i tried to be bulimic but i couldnt purge so i just binged’ sound like sick jokes, like things fatphobic people would say to mock people they think dont try hard enough, because overweight people are lazy.

heres the thing. its good that i wasnt able to develop these disorders. of course it is. they are terrible things and i do not take them lightly. so im glad. im lucky that my body didnt let me. but that didnt stop me from feeling like a failure, feeling frantic and like at least if i could do this people would be sympathetic, bcaus its evidence that i was TRYING, even if it was in a bad way.

the feelings i had about myself and still have...

it impacts everything. its such a massive part of my identity. it stopped me from playing, climbing, doing sports. it stopped me from playing about with style and clothing because trying things on in changing rooms, looking at myself in the mirror, made me so anxious that i would feel physically ill.

and most batshit of all, it made me truly believe that i was a joke. that any room i walked into, people would pity me or be amused by me just at a glance. that i was always viewed by everyone else as just slghtly less human. that if someone was gonna be mocked id be first.

that if i ever did anything silly or made a mistake, it would be made 100x worse by my body - like if i said something awkward, or dressed bad, or came in to class late, or fell over, it wasnt something i could just brush off. because i was already a joke, so this would just add to it. if you are skinny and you get a question wrong in class, thats fine somehow, but if youre chubby and you do the same, you are slotted into the role of ‘stupid *and* fat person’ because everybody knows that stereotype so thats just who you are.

its wack that it doesnt just impact my confidence with sports, or clothing, or people finding me attractive, but literally EVERYTHING.

it feels like as long as youre fat, ANYTHING you do could potentially have a laugh track put over it. falling, crying, laughing, dancing, getting hit by a car, it doesnt matter.

and that is an INSANE way to feel. especially aged like, 10.

i lost some weight when i was 18 but i didnt feel different. i didnt feel more worthy or like i was a better person. i wasnt more deserving of love and respect. i just had more time and some money for a gym membership, and had little by way of responsibilties so didnt stress eat. and theres the fact i was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid too.

my situation changed, my thyroid got treated, and i gained it all back and then some. so i started to feel less bad about it. how could i feel so bad about not being that weight, when being that weight required me to have a chronic disease while also spending about 14 hours at the gym a week and calorie count? it was a bit of a revelation

but the craziness didnt go away completely. its still my first wish when i see an eyelash. i still feel like i will be who im really supposed to be ““when”“ i ““finally”“ lose weight, that fabled goal ive had most of my life and rarely achieved, and it will make people like me more, understand me more, respect me more, love me more. i also know that this is not correct. but i feel it anyway.

i have a shit tonne of things to worry about, like the fact im unemployed, or the state of the whole entire world, but theres still part of me that insists that being skinny is the most important goal. because if i was skinny people would be sympathetic to any of my other failings. i work out and try to be healthy as much as i can, because i want to be fit and healthy, because i think it is helpful to improve my experience as a human animal. but still when i say ‘i just work out for fitness, i just watch my diet to make sure im getting what i need, its not about weight or looks’ on some level....im alwaaays lyingggggggg ;)

i have no reason why im saying this now. its not pertinent. i just had to get it out.