#at least now i know why she randomly hated me. it was bc i have bpd ❤

[stinkrascal]

oh jeez i could say so much right now but i wont. i'll be nice

[scoobysnakz]

Hard Luck

It’s hard finding love when your sole reason to live is your daughter, but when her best friends dad is annoyingly attractive and might have something to do with your rent randomly getting paid, who can blame you for being a little curious?

||* slight angst, I just wrote this on the toilet bc I realised I hadn't updated in ages (sorry), Miguel having intense mood swings, teeny tiny fluff if you squint insanely hard

Chap v

“About before,” you awkwardly shuffle towards him, “I want to say thanks.”

Miguel turns to look you, face tight with concern which doesn't go unnoticed by you. He can feel your eyes scanning him, staring at his expression, trying to read him as his mood suddenly shifts.

“I should pay you back,” you mutter before shoving your hands in your pockets and patting them down as if you don't know they're empty.

He has to stop himself from scoffing, paying him back should be the least of your worries. But Miguel’s nice and those gentle eyes you’re looking at him with soften him- slightly.

“No need,” he sighs, a forced kindness in his voice, “I was just helping out a friend.”

You hate the warm feeling those words spark in your skin because you know it's not him saying you don't need to pay him back causing it. There's still a sense of guilt nagging at your brain though. He's still a stranger, no matter how he puts it, and you owe him money.

Owing people is something that you've grown far too accustomed to and you're determined to not add Miguel to that list.

“Still, at least let me pay for Raya’s ice cream?” you change your tone, secretly praying he thinks it's a question.

Miguel grimaces, charming crinkles forming around his narrowed eyes and arched nose crunching in what you hope isn't disgust. “You have a nice apartment.” he frowns as he changes the subject.

It's your turn to grimace. You purse your lips so tight they hurt and the skin around your mouth smudges with your lip balm. It is a nice apartment, for the price, that you can't keep up with.

He doesn't know why it irks him to see you like this. Not lying, not being irresponsible, no, he hates seeing you so nervous around him. The way you instinctively coil up while having to fight your own body to maintain eye contact.

“I’m lucky its so cheap,” you laugh cautiously, your hands once again finding your pocket and finding a home in the deep cave of denim.

“Cheap?” he raises an eyebrow, his tone suddenly hardening.

You force a smile on your face, lips twitching at the corners and fear shining in your irises. “Yeah.”

He takes up so much room in your kitchen. Not just his body but his whole being. His shoulders might block the light from the lamp reaching you but the overpowering scent of cologne infiltrating the cracks in the air is more than enough to make your stomach clench.

Shakily, you take a step back, knees weakening the more intense his gaze becomes.

“What are you going to do?”

And for a moment you swear you might die.

Miguel knows. He knows that you're flat-broke and days away from getting evicted because you didn't think to cover up that godforsaken letter when you carlessy tossed it in the bin.

The concern that drips from his voice fills you with a kind of self-loathing you thought only your father could bring up. You can't look at him, his gaze is too harsh, too threatening, too unkind for someone you barely know.

“Stay with my mum,” you mutter, hands gripping the edge of the counter as you how your head down.

You can practically hear him rolling his eyes as he nears you with dramatically long strides. “What?” he snaps.

“Me and Raya are going to stay with my mum until I can sort something out!” you hiss.

“How is she going to get to school?” he presses further.

“She only lives about twenty minutes away and my mum can drive us.”

“Can she, now?”

The pure disgust that runs from his expression and out through his voice knocks you sick. Your skin burns with a revolting mixture of shame and anger. Who is he to talk down to you like this? But he's right, you've messed up badly.

Miguel’s worried. He doesn't know you but God, he'd rather die then have someone as precious as you on the streets.

“This isn't any of your concern-”

“You’re just going to let her live like this?” he cuts you off harshly, “moving to your mums whenever you don't pay the rent like a responsible adult? Never knowing what's going on because you can't sort out money?”

Tears sting the corners of your eyes but you fight them back, like always. You refuse to let him see you cry. His words sting but you know, deep down, that you are responsible, that you do what's best for Raya, that your love is enough.

You swear he's bigger now, more threatening, more dangerous. There are fangs protruding past his snarling lips that make your chest tighten in fear.

Anger pulses throughout Miguel’s entire being. His blood is hot and thick with pure rage that only strengthens the more he glares down at you and your pathetic, trembling, pretty lips.

You want to run away, push past Miguel and bolt through your front door but you settle for puffing up your chest and snarling him right back.

“This has nothing to do with you. I appreciate you getting Raya ice cream and picking her up but you are still a stranger who has no valuable insight on this issue.” you try so hard to keep a stable voice, take deep breaths when you feel your throat tighten, look at his forehead not his eyes, but it doesn't and you end up stumbling over your words like an idiot.

The words feel wrong in your mouth, being unkind isn't new to you but targetted to someone you know so little about, you almost feel guilt.

Cool metal hits the poorly clothed part of your back and it's only then that you realise you've been backing away. Your body just naturally falls into submission, even when you have every right to stand up for yourself. That small, faint slither of confidence you had instantly faded away.

Miguel notices this as well, the hidden sadistic part of him going insane over the small gasp that escapes your quaking form, but he still frowns. He wants to reach out and comfort you, let you know how easily he can make this okay but the terror in your eyes distinguishes all hope of that.

He towers over you, his chiselled features now highlighted by the glow of tiles on the floor and his beady, blood-red eyes boring down into you. He stalks towards you, long legs easily pulling him sickeningly close.

You feel miserably weak. Your entire body is numb with guilt as sweat builds in the creases of your palms. But what makes you feel even more pathetic is your desire to be mad yet you can't bring yourself to even weasel out a small argument.

“I’m trying, I really am,” you choke, knuckles burning white with the force of your grip on the counter.

And Miguel’s gaze softens, instantly. All his anger dissolves and all he can see is someone who needs protecting. The way your eyes glisten with tears does something to him. You crumbled so effortlessly that it was easy for him to keep himself in check and now he's got you cowering in the corner in your own kitchen.

He takes a step back and sighs while dragging a lazy hand down his face. “Mierda, I'm… fuck, I'm sorry.”

You try to look at him, to wrap your head around this absurd mood swing but you can't. Just seeing the shame in his eyes burns a hole in your stomach.

“Get out.”

“I got mad and I didn't thi-”

“Out.”

You watch his throat bob as he swallows, hard.

“I’ll go get Gabi,” he sighs.

You shake your head, lips pursed and nose scrunched. You don't want him near Raya, don't think he's safe enough for Gabi to home to, not after a mood swing like that.

You croak a pathetic, “I will,” and walk off. His eyes burn holes into the back of your head but you fight the urge to acknowledge him.

The sound of laughter that leaks from Raya’s bedroom door soothes the burning of your nerves. You might have trembling hands and a racing heart but she's fine- and so is Gabi.

Part of you wants to keep Gabi here, make sure she's safe and let her stay the night but knowing you'd have to face Miguel again at some point is too much.

You knock lightly on the door before pushing it open. “Hey, Gabi,” you smile down at the ground but she's not there. All you can see is a mountain of teddies and blankets in the middle of Raya’s bedroom. Their laughter is present but is mixed with the sound of each other's shushing.

The plushness of the blue carpet on the floor dampens the sound of your footsteps as you creep closer to the pile. You can hear them shuffling around but their laughter has subsided.

Suddenly, you lunge forward and throw yourself onto the pillows with a subtle thud. They both scream as they flail their arms and legs in the air while desperately gasping for air between their violent giggles.

“Your dad said it's time to go home,” you just about manage, as their laughter has affected you too.

Reluctantly, she pulls herself up from the plushy mess, Raya doing the same. They cling to each other, still laughing and whispering, as they disappear through the door.

[simpforboywonder]

Is it tooo much to ask for reader to not have such a strong personality 🤨. SHES NOT MEEEEE if she’s doing a wholeeeee bunch of things I would never do. If the author had put “Original character” in the tags or told us guys I’m writing a self-insert or making a character. HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU HAVE TO DESCRIBE THIS SKINNY WHITE GIRL JUST TO TELL US IN THE COMMENTS THAT YOU TRUED TO MAKE IT NONDESCRIPT. Bc I hate to break it to you dear author. YOU FAILEDDD. And it would’ve succeeded if you said this was notttt a reader insert. I’m sorry guys I’m just genuinely tiredddd. We are reading reader-inserts because we want to put ourselvessss inside like come awnnnn now🤨. I have to do sooooo much mental brain work as of late having to compartmentalize every new character trait that the author has now appointed me. Alsoooo on that note NOT EVERY FAT GIRL IS INSECURE AND SELF- CONSCIOUS. Anyone and everyone can be insecure but why does EVERYYYYYY fat reader have to be insecure and just start dumping hate on their bodies. I would never hate on myself the way these authors be acting like we do and honestly THAAAAATS triggering. Imagine it’s 2 am, you thought you found this great chubby reader fanfic BUT NOOOOO the first 1k (out of 3k or something mind you😒) it’ll just be a whole bunch of degradation like ewwwww I’m not going from having my body randomly degraded and then some man having to convince me that I’m beautiful to sex is NOTTTTT THE VIBEEEEE. I love myself and every extra pound on me. And you know what I haaaate even more is when I point out that this is weirddddd and odd somebody pipes up with “then go write it yourself”. Skinny girls don’t have to go write it themselves yet the average size of an American woman is between 16-18. THAT IS NOTTTT A SKINNY WOMAN. At some point we gotta start being serious because anythingggg can be a book these days. Literally we got cow-fucking, monster and aliens and all that stuff YET I CANT GET A PLUS SIZE MC IN ANYTHINGGGGG. And if I dooooo it’s just a whole bunch of hatred, insecurity, and degradation the whoooole time. Bc we knowwww it isn’t a book with a fat MC without them being randomly bullied for their weight at least ONCE.

[softietrait]

ROSE QUARTZ 4 ROSIE: a bachelorette challenge! ;

rosalie, or rosie as most call her is in search for her soulmate. spiritually guided, she wants to find who her divinely guided partner is. she realizes that she won't ever be able to find her match by looking in the same spots she always does - maybe her life parter is somewhere far away. and that's where rose quartz for rosie comes into play. ten sims from all around the simniverse have been randomly chosen and divinely guided to the town of willow creek where they will meet rosie. what brought them here and why did they decide to ultimately click that submit button on the rq4r secret form? rosie can't wait to meet and connect with other sims from all over the world and to finally meet the one she's destined to be with. is it you? i don't know, but the guides do.

rosalie forrest. she/her. 24. pansexual

aspiration: self-care specialist || traits: horticulturist, daydreamer, loves outdoors, outgoing and neat || likes: socializing, blankets, baths, lo-fi music, wellness and deep conversation (+more) & dislikes: egotistical sims, naps, snacking, metal music, swearing (+more)

two little facts: she has a guppy fish named asparagus and a hedgehog named pudgey!

submission deadline is april 21st (4/21), no more deadline. as soon as i have 10 sims submitted, this will start!! feel free to mention me in your submission post, tag it with #rq4r or both!

9/10 submissions

under the read more will be what is needed for submission!

first and foremost, rosie is pansexual - all sims as long as they are of YA or older are able to apply! editing to say this though i probably shouldn't need to... trans sims are also accepted!! right now, i'd rather say no to occult sims, though. only because they make things difficult for me in game (occults hate me for some reason lol)

that said, things your sims needs in their application: of course, the basics: name, pronouns, all that goodness aspiration, traits (if you do not have the 5 traits in cas mod like i do , please add 2 more traits in the application that you'd like me to give them when i put them in my game)(please no romantic traits - everything else goes! , likes & dislikes. feel free to give a lil background too! and some facts! go all out <;333 & some other things to keep in mind... for their outfits, they will need at least 2 formal, 2 party and 2 sleepwear (1 'normal' sleepwear and something a lil sexier just in case ';]]) other than that, feel free to add as much else you want!

i will only be accepting ten(10) sims in total as i will have this set up way different than my last bc challenge. <;33

[wrongcaitlyn]

Ok so you’ve mentioned that you think about this tyt universe a lot, and I know as writer that once you fall in love with a world you created, you see it a lot in like your everyday life😭. So feel free to use this little ask as like an opportunity to dump any extra info that you’ve thought of but is too insignificant too put in the story :) Love your work💟

i've had this sitting in my inbox for a few days now but i want you to know that when i first received this ask i literally sent it to my friend and said "i think i just received the sweetest ask ever" because😭😭 THIS IS SO SWEET AND IM SO SO GRATEFUL BECAUSE LITERALLY YES. YOU'RE SO RIGHT. I SEE TYT EVERYWHERE😭😭

unfortunately when i then went to frantically type a response, it became like that case where you're asked to share a fun fact about yourself, but then promptly forget every interesting detail about yourself. and so i couldn't figure out what to say - so i decided to just create a draft and hopefully let the ideas come to me naturally, so that's why this is such a late response!!

i'm not sure if i've shared this already but i used to be heavily obsessed with the idea of nico performing at the reputation tour as a surprise guest

also just generally his friendships with any irl celebrities

kayla always "invites" nico to concerts (which nico goes to because he will literally go to any concert if asked), but it's really just because there's a possible chance of being pulled backstage and meeting the artist with a famous singer next to her (nico is fully aware of this) but also bc nico's a rlly fun concert buddy

kayla out of the apollo household is the most up to date with any sort of pop culture, which is a bit ironic seeing as she's one of the two who have absolutely nothing to do with the music industry

nico braiding hair is one of my absolute favvvv hc's, and i was able to fit it in with kayla during one of the greatest of luxuries chapters, but he 100% also braids the hair of the girls in his crew (if they want it), and kayla ofc, and piper sometimes - he used to braid bianca's hair and bianca used to braid his (until she died, at which nico started to braid his own hair because he liked it out of his face and it became like second nature to quickly put it in a braid - at least until he cut it off lmao)

^^ and this is very cute bc i imagine that darren did lots of braids for kayla (girl dad darren my heart) when she was like practicing archery and stuff (and this was when she had longer hair, i imagine she cut a good chunk of it off in middle school and continued to cut it a bit shorter every year since then), and so when kayla moved in with apollo, he watched so many youtube tutorials to try and get it right until nico walked in on an attempt at making two french braids and was like "uh, want some help with that?" and cue a braiding lesson for apollo. apollo knows how to braid hair now (even though kayla doesn't need it as much seeing as her hair is so short), but she still has nico do it a lot of the time (brother sister bonding my heart THEY'RE SIBLINGS YOUR HONOR)

there is a picture somewhere of little will leo and nico at the T party (backstage meet and greet) of the speak now world tour with speak now era taylor. will never did realize until like college that apollo had reached out ahead of time to make sure he was chosen for a meet and greet (fun fact, sn world tour had an la date on aug 23) on his birthday, and thought that andrea had just chosen him randomly

bryce lawrence is out there somewhere fuming at nico's success and will attempt to make hate pages to discredit him but will never succeed

octavian is also fuming but he has no idea why this nico guy seems to hate him sm

related to hate comments, i was just texting @wronghuntress about this the other day (no but srsly she knows literally everything about this au i send her at least five rants a day in relation to itKSDJF) but nico 100% responds to hate comments as if he's also a hater. his self-hatred is the biggest joke in the fandom.

some hater: "he can't sing"

nico: "ikr"

but somehow the hate makes him realize how stupid his past self-criticism has been and actually helps him... become more confident in himself?? what???

will is incredibly confused bc that's what he's been trying to convince nico of for years and you're telling him HATE COMMENTS DID IT???

okay i feel like i still have so much to add so you know what, i'm gonna keep this as an open door to ramble abt anything whenever i like just by reblogging this post. so i will probably add a lot more as time goes on and i can remember more little tidbits of lore that i want to add on!! but thank you SO much for the ask you have no idea how much this made my day <33

[cornerofhell]

Writin' Lies

I didn't wanna have to do this. But my hand has been pushed.

WARNING: NSFW MENTION

For those that don't know, a user by the name of artinandwritin8 has posted a document about my two dear friends, Glam and Kindheart. The reason I am making this journal post is to point out one of the many flaws of said document and to tell my side of the story since artinandwritin8 has stolen that from me.

I ask that you do not harrass anyone I mention here, and I ask that you please do not spread that document around, which is why I'm not linking it..

First, let's talk about that little flaw I mentioned within this document. The reason I am not referencing others is because this particular flaw is of one of a high nature... If it couldn't easily be fought against.

I would post the screenshot here, but you'll see later that she blocked me before I could!

"Last but definitely not least, the nsfw channels and Glam’s strange sexualization of herself in front of everyone. Now I am a person that is not at all bothered by nsfw topics, at all. As long as it’s purely fictional, legal and consensual, I can engage in a conversation with no problem! I can even discuss irl nsfw topics with my close friends on private with no problem. My problem lies with people that randomly come to tell me about their private lives unprompted, or people that talk about their sexual lives out in the open.  Thought it was basic understanding not to talk about your sexual life on the general nsfw channels exclusive but not limited to memes. For a very long time there was just one nsfw channel that functioned for all purposes, too, so that made it even worst to try and handle any and all random statements people made out of nowhere about their private irl lives, while Glam encouraged it. And even though later in time more channels were added along with restrictions on who could and could not access these channels (bc yes, there were no restrictions before and minors did enter, and was not talked about properly after being fixed), it did not stop at all since it would bleed into the other channels all the goddamned time. You could not escape it. I hated it, because like I said I hate people coming to me to talk about their private sexual lives out of nowhere, and I can only guess I wasn’t the only one, since this happened frequently and in front of everyone. I did not reach out to say this bothered me because the owner encouraged this behavior and actively engaged in it, not even considering how her being a fresh adult talking in detail about her sex life unprompted could make others feel at all. You can be open all you want, you can be way more open than I am, but don’t be open right in front of me when I showed no indication of being interested in knowing at all. I hated it."

Huh. That's very interesting seeing how you were one of the main contributors to bringing NSFW out in the open outside of the designated NSFW channels.

Let's talk about the piss jars, shall we? For those that don't know, this was a joke in our server, Heliophilia. The whole Rainbow Dash Jar debacle was a running gag in our NSFW channel at the time, and the joke was made that it be urine instead.

I forget the reason why, it may have been funny banter (since I believed we were friends" but one day everyone awoke to find artinandwritin08's pdf to be my fursona, in a piss jar, which she laughed about and joked about to me.

Then, after I changed my PDF to a character that artinandwritin08 had a heavy crush on in a jar, the mod, kindheart, directed us TO THE NSFW CHANNEL TO CONTINUE THE JOKE. Other people joined and soon everyone's PDFs were piss jars of each other's characters. Hell, artinandwritin08 and I even made jars for two of kindheart's OCs, and kind was fine as LONG AS IT WAS IN NSFW!

Hate to tell you, but URINE IS A WELL-KNOWN KINK. YOU KNEW THAT. Why? Because that's the kink you're claiming that Glam "sexualized herself to everyone" WAS A PISS KINK. And even then, she wouldn't mention her kink outside of NSFW, she would joke about in- get this- NSFW MEMES! Wanna know how I know? Because she never mentioned her piss kink until the NSFW channel had more than just one section. She posted about it in one of the NSFW sections, and after that, it became a running gag in the NSFW channel that mainly everyone participated in. Because it was a JOKE! She was fine with people joking about it, so whenever we saw a meme about urine in NSFW MEMES, everyone would go "oh glam!" The only people who did it outside of NSFW were people tagging her, and her telling them to take it to NSFW.

This is all funny because more recently before the server was deleted, artinandwritin08 and I were joking around in the NSFW channel, section general chat. See, at the time I had considered her a friend, and I had built enough trust with her, to show her my parents. She joked about my mother being hot, and turned that into a running gag between us, which I was semi-okay with. Fast forward to said joking in the NSFW general chat and I changed my PDF to her favorite character's piss jar again, as a joke.

What did she proceed to do? Threaten to put MY MOTHER in a piss jar without any acknowledgment it was a joke and put it as her pdf, in the NSFW general chat, and in front of everyone. I deleted the photo of my parents before she could do it, thankfully, but that sure is a lot of talk for someone uncomfortable with NSFW out in other channels about real people.

NOW the part that was stolen from me!

After the situation of the server being deleted, I unfollowed artinandwritin08 and the others who had been involved in the slander against my friends. It wasn't until today that I saw on tumblr that not only had artin made her own post, but that I was mentioned in it.

I am the member in question in this screenshot above. This section was not only posted without my consent, but it's also flat-out false and severly outdated.

This took place on April 11th, 2021. Yes, you read that right. More than two years ago. The character that artin is referring to was a part of a verse that I deleted more than a year ago. The character's personality and job was almost exactly the same to Kindheart's character, the difference being their species and colors. Kindheart graciously pointed that out when I posted said character, and I realized on my own that Kindheart was right, and I accidentally used her character as help for my own.

No one convinced me, I didn't have on rose-colored glasses, I realized I had made a mistake, and fixed it.

Here are the DMs between Kindheart and I to show she didn't convince me of anything.

As I before mentioned, the very universe and character that this was all about, has been deleted for a long time. So I was appalled when I found this mentioned in the document, and so inaccurately, portraying me as some kind of naive little child as if I couldn't make my own choices, because artin hadn't asked my consent in the first place.

Angry, and genuinely hurt, I took to artin's comments of her tumblr post and wrote this:

"Jess. Take the part about me down. First of all, the part you are referring to is when I was still making the Musicalverse, YEARS ago. The character in question, Love Bug, was in fact way too similar to Kindheart's River Morganite at the time. Kind and I discussed it, and I changed it because I agreed with her! It was almost the exact same story! I wasn't wooed or convinced like you say. Which you would know if you hadn't blocked me and asked my consent to post my story in the first place. Making me anonymous doesn't change the fact that that story is clearly about me. I wasn't forced to do anything. Kind asked me. Why? Because I'm not just a fucking fan who can easily be manipulated or anything like what you said. Kind and Glam are some of my best friends, and once upon a time, you were too. This hurt, Jess. Remove that section about me."

Artinandwritin's response was to block me, and not touch the section about me at all.

The thing is, she didn't know that I had other accounts, and I wanted that section that was misrepresenting me gone. So I used my Ask Glen and Glenda account to comment again, hoping to get that section removed.

And guess what? I was blocked again, within seconds, and that section about me still hadn't been touched.

So using my third account, I posted a comment a final time

And once again, I was blocked. So here I am, having to explain my story because artinandwritin stole it from me, and decided that I was too much of a "fan" to tell my own story.

Then again, there are so many holes in that document and the other that Jerry is stealing it from Tom thinking it's cheese, so who am I to say?

So to set the record straight, I'm not a little fan. I'm Glam and Kindheart's friend. They are like sisters to me, and to have me used as a little "victim" in a story against them is fucking cruel.

To Jess, because I know you'll be reading this: Thank you for proving to me how little you care about people, and how our friendship and probably any others you have, is a fucking lie. Good luck being a therapist.

To everyone else, I love you, thank you for reading.

[cinematicsoph]

valntyne • calum hood blurb

summary: it's your first valentines day in a relationship and you're super excited. however, everything that could go wrong - did. and your boyfriend doesn't even seem to remember it's valentines day…or does he?

warnings: swearing, super duper cheesy…like extremely cheesy

a/n: heyyyy how y'all doing? happy valntyne's day, lovers! i randomly got this idea listening to valentine and luckily Cal won the twitter poll bc i lowkey wanted him to win it all along oops lol. anyways (as always) thank you to my amazing editor and to you guys reading this! i hope you enjoy and that you had a great valentines day !

Copyright @ 2022 sophi_quimby. All rights reserved. This original work is not allowed to be reposted on any platform in any format by anyone but me

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Today sucks. It has honestly been the worst day you’ve had in a long time. To make matters worse, it’s your first Valentine’s Day in a relationship and your boyfriend didn’t seem to remember or care.

   You and Calum have been dating for four months and things have been going great. You and the guys have been friends for so long but you always felt different about Calum. When he finally got the courage to ask you out, you were ecstatic. Now it’s Valentine’s Day and while you usually hate this holiday since you never got to fully experience it, you were looking forward to spending the day with your boyfriend. But Calum didn’t say anything about Valentine’s Day when he woke up, and then you got called into work at 6 am so you couldn’t even stay at home with him. Then you got a shit ton of work thrown at you, and you spilt your coffee on your outfit and important documents that needed to be sent out before you left. It seemed that everything that could go wrong, did. All you wanted to do was go home and curl up in a ball, never to leave again. You knew that by now Calum had left your house to go back to his own and you couldn’t tell if that made you feel better or worse. Part of you longed for his comforting cuddles. His body temperature always seeming warmer than normal and his tattoos were strangely calming to trace always made you feel better. But the other part of you desperately wanted to be alone. To go to the grocery store and buy whatever the hell you wanted, go home to change into your pajamas, and binge watch John Mulaney specials until the tears on your cheeks turned to ones of laughter. Unfortunately, you cannot have both.

   Work seemed to drag on, the end of your shift always seeming out of reach. Until finally, your boss walked into your office. “Y/N, you’ve been here for nearly 10 hours. Go home and enjoy the holiday with your boyfriend.”

   “Yeah, I’m good. Thanks” you said, ignoring her and continuing the last of your work.

   “Hey, I know I’m your boss. But I’d like to think that we’re friends too. I can tell when somethings wrong, Y/N. Did something happen between you and Calum?” She closes your door and sits down in the chair across from you. “You know you can talk to me, right?”

   You look up at her and the sympathetic look on her face made you tear up. “It’s just been such a shitty day, and it’s my first Valentine’s Day in a relationship, and my boyfriend doesn’t even seem to care. I woke up this morning hoping for at least a “Happy Valentine’s Day” from him. But I didn’t get anything. I got a “good morning” and then a phone call that I had to come in today. I just…I just want to go home and be alone,” you say choking up. You’re trying to keep the tears from falling and then you realize how much you just spilt to your boss. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to rant like that. I’m just so tired.”

   “It’s okay, Y/N. Why don’t you go treat yourself to some sweets and go home, okay? I’ll have one of the interns finish the last little bit of work.” You nod and gather your stuff. You quietly thank her and walk out your office door. As you’re walking to your car, you check your phone in hopes that Calum remembered what day it was and texted you. But there was nothing. No call, text, not even a tag on Instagram for a Valentine’s Day post. At this point, you don’t even want the sweets. You don’t want to walk through the store and see more people. So you head home, hoping for some quiet.

   After unlocking the door and walking in, you take off your shoes and notice a rose petal on the mat you keep your shoes on. Confused, you pick it up and look at it. Looking at the floor, you notice more rose petals. You being to grow more confused and decide to follow them out of curiosity. You follow them all the way upstairs to your bedroom. You see that they go under the closed door so you open it up. Your bedroom is covered in balloons and rose petals and sitting on your bed is your boyfriend, grinning like a mad man. He looks as handsome as ever in a suit and red tie, hold a giant teddy bear and a few boxes of chocolates.

   “Hey,” he says smiling even more (if that’s even possible).

   “Hi.” You say quietly, walking over to him. “What is all this?”

   “Well, I was hoping to spend Valentine’s Day with my favorite person ever, but they got called into work. And a little birdie may or may not have mentioned the terrible day you had. I didn’t forget about Valentine’s Day, love. I just really wanted to surprise you.” And that’s when the dam holding your tears back finally gives out. You sniffle and look at him. “Hey, it was not my intention to make you cry!” He sets the teddy bear and chocolates on your bed and walks over to you. He hugs you and lightly kisses your head.

   “You’re just…you’re so incredible and I just spent the work day angry at you because I thought you didn’t care about Valentine’s Day.” Your words are muffled by his shirt. “I’m so sorry, Cal.”

   “No, don’t apologize, love. I wanted to surprise you and I obviously didn’t think this through very well.” You shake your head and look up at him.

   “It’s perfect, thank you.” You peck his lips and he wipes your tears.

   He kisses your head again and for the first time—he says “I love you.” You swear you have never felt the way you are feeling right now. You face breaks out into a huge smile and you kiss him. Eventually you pull away for air, still smiling.

   “I love you too, Calum. This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me.” You walk over to the box of chocolates and giggle when you see “will you be my valntyne?” written on the lid. “You’re such a dork.”

   “Yeah, but I’m your dork.” He smiles and hugs you from behind. “Now let’s go cuddle and watch John Mulaney.”

   “You read my mind.” You turn and kiss his nose.

   “There’s a horse loose in the hospital!” 

   After you change into comfier clothes, you and Cal are cuddled together on the couch with your favorite comedian on in the background. He brought all the snacks and treats to the living room and refused to eat any of it claiming “it’s for you, love.” He pulls you closer and lightly draws shapes on your back. As he does, you feel your eyes begin to feel heavy. The long day and tears finally caught up with you and exhaustion kicks in.

   “Love, you can take a nap. I know your day was rough,” he whispers and kisses your head. “You must be so tired.”

   “‘M fine, Cal. I wanna stay up with you.” Your eyes are closed and you are cuddled into his side as much as possible.

   “Go ahead and take a nap, love. I’ll be fine. I can carry you to bed if you want.” You nod, already half asleep. He picks you up and brings you back to your room. He lays you down on the bed and kisses your head. He starts to walk to the door

   “Stay,” you say. You grab his wrist to stop him from walking away from you. “Please, Cal.” You look up at him as he smiles and nods. He takes his jeans and shirt off then lays next to you. Your legs end up tangled together, his arms wrap around your body pulling you as close to his chest as possible. He rubs your back and kisses your head every once and a while.

   “I love you so much,” he whispers. Since he said it the first time, he hasn’t stopped. While watching the special, he would look at you when you were laughing and say it. You would say it back, obviously. He must’ve thought you had fallen asleep, but you were still slightly awake. “God, how did I get so lucky. I don’t deserve you, love. I really don’t.”

   “Cheesy fucker,” you say with a sleepy giggle. You open your eyes and look up at him.

   “I thought you were asleep!” He laughs, but is clearly embarrassed.

   “I am! I am, keep going.” You quickly close your eyes again with a wide smile on you face.

   “Yeah, no. I’m not going to make that ego of yours any bigger.” You both laugh and he kisses your head. “Just go back to sleep, bub. We can go back to watching John Mulaney specials and eating our weight in chocolate when you wake up.” You nod and look up at him. You kiss his nose and cuddle back into his side. “I love you.”

   “I love you too, Cal.” You smile and close your eyes again. Before falling asleep again you remembered something. “You are gonna clean up the rose petals…right?”

[primeministerofantarctica]

so. turns out this was easier than i thought

ignore the two generic smurfs after smurfette they're just there bc the formatting sucks :/

also i couldn't find a finance smurf but he belongs in the "burn in smurf hell'' category <3

also i have time to kill so. list below the cut!

1. Clumsy - sweetheart. doesn't have a mean bone in their body. very autistic.

2. Lazy - i don't know how to explain lazy being an unintentional allegory for people with invisible disabilities that are considered a burden and. lazy under capitalism. but he has a big heart and cares about his friends even when they're less than considerate towards him (seriously, WHAT was the slumber party episode? were they like, intentionally trying to torture him?)

3. Jokey - "Oh, the folly of a clown, masking his loneliness with a joke!" <- person who definitely doesn't have any internal issues :). Also can we just appreciate the fact that he has ONE main prank and everybody still falls for it. (not to mention that the prank is. giving people bombs)

4. Timid - he BABY

5. Scaredy - he baby 2

6. Smurfette - specifically lost village smurfette cuz that was where she peaked. you go girl give us an identity crisis and journey of self-discovery only to find the answer was with you all along!

7. Greedy - comics/ 2021 specifically, because him and chef being distinct characters is funny as hell. he's so cute i would totally give him a muffin if he asked.

8. Harmony - he sucks so bad at what he's supposed to be best at! and i think that's so interesting and criminally underexplored! and every time he gets the other smurfs to like his music it ends badly :(.

9. Painter - dramatic ass bitch (affectionate). why was he the only french person in belgium.

10. Doctor - i assume that one's doctor at least. it is now. anyways he's funny as hell, like harmony he's also...bad at his passion. he doesn't have a reason to be a quack, he's just. Like That.

11. Reporter - I like his voice.

12. Poet - there is NO need to speak in couplets all the time, he's so extra.

13. Tailor - "*terrible Kip King impression* EVERYBODY STOP COMPLAINING OR I'LL SCREAM." He's really nice, he made Smurfette that dress in one episode even though he was busy, and he made Tracker a fur coat out of the scraps he gave him and Vanity a scarf with his face hand-embroidered on it just because? AND more importantly, he's very blunt. i like that :)

14. Hefty - no no you didn't see my love for strong muscular guys that are kind and caring and totally whipped for that one girl. ok he's not maws level but like. if you can put "she's so high" by tal bachman in a ship playlist then you've got a valid m/f ship

15. Grouchy - let him say hate again oh god please i will tear my ears out if i have to hear "me, I don't like x" again. fuckin WEAK. also the grammar i wanna curl up on the floor and cry.

16. Farmer - remember when all the smurfs only wore white pants so to distinguish farmer from the others he would just be randomly carrying a hoe for no reason. also his accent is SO silly in the new cartoon i love it.

17. Vanity - just...watch this.

18. Brainy - i'm sorry for putting him so low brainy fans can you ever forgive me /hj. with all fairness i do think he's an interesting character! he's just...interesting in a way that doesn't really appeal to me specifically.

19. Handy - i feel like he would build a doomsday device if he got bored one afternoon and honestly? i respect that.

20. Papa Smurf - sometimes he's a good father figure. sometimes he's a terrible "father figure". it depends on the medium. and the direction of the wind.

21. King (pretentious) Smurf - made a whole authoritarian regime in like. two days. what the hell man.

22. Finance - capitalist :/

[mossy-aro]

Top five monster high characters

OH BOY OH MY THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS ASK!! i love them ALL so much so this is a hard decision but i do have a pretty thought out list:

1) Ghoulia Yelps

this might be surprising since my pfp is quite literally frankie stein but ghoulia is actually my #1 bbygirl beloved. which is interesting, because she was actually my least favourite as a kid and i was actively terrified of her (i had a serious fear of zombies). ghoulia is also extremely aromantic and no i will not be taking notes but if prompted (or even without. because i am nothing if not annoying) i can and will explain at length exactly why ghoulia is the #1 aro coded monster high character. also she’s just cool (ZOMBIE SCENE QUEEN AUGHHHH)

2) Robecca Steam

SHE IS A VICTORIAN STEAMPUNK ROBOT. need i say more. i don’t, but i will just bc i love her and want to share. if you don’t know her doll comes with spinnable cogs on her legs! and she travels around in canon with steam powered rocket boots. sick right, yes. her design is so over the top and cool in every way. i love her dorky polite personality and her inability to use any piece of technology invented after the year 1900. hashtag alive in the wrong era, but literal. bc she actually is, someone help this girl

3) Draculaura

who doesn’t love drac!!! she’s literally the sweetest girl alive. she was my absolute fave as a kid. draculaura on top (㇏(•̀ᵥᵥ•́)ノ)

4) Abbey Bominable

ABBEY!!!!! i love her. literal ice queen and actual menace (complimentary). she is literally everyone’s favourite mean friend except she’s not really mean at all she’s just too real for some people. forever iconic, abbey ilysm

5) Scarah Screams

I was really debating giving this spot to Operetta (Operetta apologist for life btw) but the thing that broke the tie for me was down to character design. i love them both but omg. scarah is on another level she is literally freaky weirdgirl personified i think she is so cool y’all

…6) G3 Frankie Stein

OK I KNOW THIS IS A TOP 5 LIST… but this is a g1 list so far so it doesn’t count technically. g3 frankie is honestly the best thing about the reboot to me so far; i like some of the other reboot designs but personality wise, g3 frankie is absolutely my fave of the new cast. i genuinely adore them so so immensely everytime they’re on screen they make me smile :)

now it’s time for the RUNNERS UP (ie. i love them a lot but not quite top 5s):

Operetta:

people who hate on Operetta need to rewatch like all the movies and webisodes bc um. she has never done anything wrong actually yall just forgot what happened. leave my girl alone 🗣️

Spectra:

NOIR DETECTIVE JOURNALIST GHOST GIRL!!!! literally no notes. go watch (or rewatch) this right now and be happy.

Deuce:

he’s just a surfer dude himbo whose voice may randomly turn into 2000s pop autotune at any given moment (he might need to get that checked out). is it possible to not love him

-

i truly do love every single MH character though (except manny.) they are all so cool and special so this is just a personal list of my fave designs, concepts and characters :))

[yamineftis]

Tbh so far one of my main gripes with Mandalorian S3, which I do not hate but I'm massively disappointed with, is that it's yet to give me a good reason why Bo Katan should rule a third time aside her being a royal.

Like are they really saying she's the ONLY one who cares about retaking the planet? And that's enough to be the one?.

Like, when she was first reintroduced in the mandalorian as the heiress and then called a princess I thought the series would at least try to challenge this notion through exploring her past mistakes and why she is this way, but nope, you have better seen clone wars and rebels to know she's a well rounded character cuz we ain't explaining shit.

Like when the armorer accepted her in the covert for bathing in the waters and keeping the helmet on?... I just...that's not...how religion works, it's not a series of technicalities, it's about intent and devotion. Look at me in the eye and say that her diving to save Din's ass is the same as that pretty scene of Din reciting the words while baptizing.

Now I always defended the children of the watch and claimed they wouldn't be villains, so I was glad they were accepting of others, but one thing is accepting not everyone thinks like you and another is ignoring your own faith for plot reasons? I absolutely didn't think them not being villains would mean literally 0 conflict nfjajfjs. What happened with the armorer calling Bo a cautionary tale? What happened to "they strayed form the way and we lost our world", give us some tension please 😭.

And we couldn't even get to know how Bo felt about it all, she was just doing as told. How does she feel about joining the very people she scoffed at and called zealots? How did she feel to be wrong about them? Oh no wait she has to lead a war party bc foundling is randomly abducted. And this shows how good of a leader she is, ok you should lead Mandalore again bc you saw a dinosaur....what????.

I liked the idea of Din ruling because it'd be interesting to see him struggling to be something more, but I was ready to let that idea go cuz he didn't really want the dark saber. But after how Bo got it through a cop out, I kinda wish it stayed with Din. The sole fact that Bo can't even convince her nite owls to join her without the dark saber is very telling, and is made worse by the fact that we don't even know why they follow that rule so hard and then scoff at Din for being a "zealot".

I'm aware this all might be misleading and someone else might have to step up, but even if that's the case, the reasoning to get to this point has been just so poor and convenient, it breaks my heart because Bo is such a complex and interesting character, but they haven't explored HER at all, her stepping down would have much more impact that way.

All in all, I think the season has good ideas but they didn't make the characters part of them, just puppets moving along :/ and I'm still not convinced Bo should try to rule /again/.

[buried-in-autumn-leaves]

Exactly 1 (one) person asked ab my Baxter Ward fankids so here's the copy and paste from my note file <3 (Aurora is my OC for his route.)

This is going to be so disorganized so apologies in advance. (Also disclaimer Aurora and Jeremy aren't related, at least super closely maybe I'll change that, I just forgot that's also his last name and I don't feel like changing it.)

Baxter is a girl dad SORRY AB IT

They have 2 daughters- Eliza Ann King-Ward and Stephanie Autumn King-Ward.

I'm sorry but Baxter and Aurora are an upper-class white couple and I get to make them give their kids awful names.

I hyphenated their last names bc imo Baxter doesn't really want to abandon the link he has with his family. Not for them, of course, but because it would be meaningless. That name isn't theirs anymore, it's his, and it's always going to be linked to him no matter what. He's sharing it with his family in an attempt to change his own perception of it. Eliza is ofc named that for Liz <3 Her and Aurora are really close and I think it'd be cute. I just thought her middle name sounded cool and I wanted the girls to both have middle names that start with A. Stephanie is one name I just kind of picked randomly because when she's pretty young she starts just going by Autumn. (Which makes Baxter kind of emotional- can't imagine why.)

Eliza is a year older, but she's really reserved compared to Autumn who is really extroverted.

Both of the girls inherited Baxter's hair colour this is so important to me bc he doesn't like it ?? Like he dyes it because he considers it an imperfection but then the girls have it and he's like maybe it doesn't look so bad I NEED HIM TO HURT EMOTIONALLY.

Eliza and Liz are super close (big surprise there) and they are the dynamic ever. Liz calls Eliza 'little Lizzie' and purposely makes it confusing when the family meets up together. Autumn gets along fine with everyone, but Baxter is her favourite person. (No hate ofc, she's just a daddy's girl).

They're raised in California. Partially bc I want them to be close to Sunset Bird and partially because I know myself and I know eventually I'm gonna want them to attend SSB, so honestly just planning for the future.

There's also like a short side storyline where they're visiting Oregon and they run into Qiu and it's a whole thing but it's super cliché LMAO

Anywaysss that's all for now I will talk forever if I keep going lol, love love <333

[seeyoumondaydevi]

Could you elaborate on why you didn't enjoy season 3 as much as the previous seasons?

Sure :) Few things I wanna say before I get into it. 1) I'm not an articulate person at all. I suck at wording my thoughts well. 2) I'm not saying I didn't enjoy season 3, I'm just saying Season 1 was the show's best in my opinion. 3) No I'm not saying I didn't enjoy season 3 bc of daxton.. if it was all about daxton I wouldn't be saying season 1 was the show's best season 4) I'll be using certain lines from other metas bc they've worded it really well and I'll link it to the original post as well.

I liked season 3 for personal growth. Nalini and Devi's relationship season was amazing this season, especially in episode 9, "How dare you come into my house and talk about my daughter this way" . I really enjoyed Trent and Eleanor as well and Paxton's character... I was so scared going into season 3 that they'd ruin his character for the love triangle drama but they didn't and he thrived outside the love triangle this season.

Now.. onto the things I didn't enjoy/like. Too many new characters who were used as plot devices to move the plot forward. There were so many new characters this season and they all were thrown in for an episode or two and they just disappeared after a couple of episodes. The Lady Whistle boy, anonymous texter / Haley just disappeared after daxton broke up. I didn't like how the anonymous texter was a random new character we've never seen before. There were so many new plots every single episode which didn't excite me. It felt like it was all over the place. Story lines were being raised and then just dropped. It kinda reminded me of disney shows haha (no hate). They kept adding love interests (Margot and Des) to trouble the already existing love triangle which they spent two whole seasons working on only to constantly rival the established relationships (Benvi and Daxton) instead of letting them develop. Fabiola and Aneesa were cute, Aneesa's character had so much potential but they just threw her out. Fabiola went with a randomly added new love interest (Addison) who was in two scenes.. two scenes only. One of the reasons trent and Eleanor are so fun to watch imo is that they're characters who've been there since the beginning. I know realistically people will date people outside of their friend group but this is a show... I wanted to see the characters I already knew. 

Kamala, she didn’t want to get married in s2 because she wanted to focus on her career etc. She also left Prashanth because she felt like he wouldn’t be supportive of her career but her whole plot in s3 revolved around her boyfriend. Like I get it, this season she stood up against Nirmala and moved out etc but idk it just felt incomplete(?). 

Two episodes frustrated me a lot this season. 3x05 and 3x10. 3x05 : Instead of this random thing in school where Devi had to ‘kiss some boy to activate her romantic vibes’ or some shit. Instead of that they could have just focused on Devi working on herself that episode. Paxton made a very valid point about Devi not loving herself. We could have had a scene with her therapist talking about why she thinks she doesn’t “deserve” to be in a relationship with someone.

3x10: The finale.. Devi gets an offer to go to some school in Colorado.. was this ever mentioned in the previous seasons? The build up just wasn’t there. If they had at least mentioned in in the start of the season that would have been fine. The Colorado school was again another plot device to give us some emotional scenes between Nalini and Devi. I did love the scene but the number of plot devices just frustrated me a lot. Instead of giving actual issues like they did in season 1 they only used plot devices this season. I just felt like they had a lot of lazy - poor writing. 

I’ve not completely covered why I didn’t like this season as much as the previous ones and I don’t think I’ve worded it well so yeah.. Thanks for the ask :)

[mortalswatchtheday]

tw/cw abuse There’s not a lot of types of posts that get to me, but the one I’ve noticed that always upsets me are the ones that are like “women with bad relationships with their fathers are whores” or the “men with bad relationships with their mother are not to be trusted” types. I’m not talking about some shitty joke either. I’m talking about genuine statements like this.  The women one is obviously rooted in misogyny and shouldn’t need much explanation, but as a counter argument with my real life example as to why I hate these posts, my half-sister had an absolutely shit dad and did not act in any stereotypical “fatherless” behavior. She’s just any other ordinary mom nowadays, and a great one at that.  The men one is where it hits home for me. My mother is narcissistic, troubled, emotionally/mentally abusive, and for the early years of my life, mostly absent due to working. The most egregious story I have was when she dated a guy who would beat the shit out of me, multiple times. He was in his mid 30′s, and I was 3-4 years old. Eventually he was arrested for it, went to jail for a brief time, took anger management classes, and so on. Then, 4 years later, my mom randomly married him out of nowhere, without telling anyone in our family. Now thankfully, that guy never laid a finger on me again, and tbh I do forgive him because I saw him change for the better, but I do not forgive my mother for doing that to our family and I never will.  I also still have about 40 screenshots of text messages saved for literal legal problems in case I run into them with her (she wanted to pay less taxes on her house so she guilt tripped me into signing my name onto it for some property tax loophole. Not sure how it all worked but it was bc I was 17-18 at the time and she was telling me I was a bad son for not wanting to help her pay less in “bills”).  I get that I’m not like, the greatest guy or whatever, or at least I know I still need improvement. Just sucks to read those kinds of posts and knowing it applies to me regardless. 

[afreakingdork]

Hello! Im back with my third silly little story heh.

There was this one time when i was in a youth group meeting. It had ended so I was sitting at a table eating some snacks my myself when a little girl, she was probably 12 or so, walked up to me. I don't even remember seeing her come up to me, all I remember was that I was mid drink when she asked me something along the lines of "So you like donnie, huh?" I was caught off guard, so much so that I almost had a spit take and started choking on my drink. She had said this in a "I know your secret" type voice that made it extra hard to compose myself. I could feel myself getting flustered and my face getting warm because like... what?! No context, says it in a suspicion tone, puts extra emphasis on the word "like", it felt like she cornered me! 😭 My brain was reeling from the sudden question about donnie , of all people, that it physically hurt and all I could say was "What?? Who told you that???" All loud and stupid lmao I practically admitted to my crush unintentionally with my nervous behavior as i didn't deny it and it she totally knew it because she just kept pressing on about Donnie, asking why I like him and some other Donnie related stuff that i cant remember. It was kinda intense because she would not leave me alone! 😩 Or at the very least let me change the subject!! I would try to walk away but she just ended up following me around the building. At some point I asked her how she knew that i even liked him, and she responded that my mom told her. In my brain i was like bro what the fuck!! This makes TWICE that she randomly mentions me liking Donnie to people!! At the end i was able to escaped to one of the rooms in the very back of the building and had to tell that same friend about what had happened bc i fr felt like i was going to explode out of sheer embarrassment.

I kinda hate how easily i get worked up and embarrassed when people bring up donnie lol Its usually just my friends teasing me and sometimes stuff like this happens, it's not ever that serious lol but ohh goddd, I just cannot handle it! Im simply too in love with him and my little heart cannot take it any of it!!

So yea, this is my last silly little story, of sorts. Kinda hit long again and is pretty silly lmao but yea! Thank you for reading! :3

Third?! Like I know the public didn't get the first story, but we're on three now?! I am also NOT GOOD at math, dyscalculia and all....

ANYWAY

WHO IS THIS GREMLIN CHILD WHO HAUNTS YOU LIKE A VICTORIAN GHOST HOLY MOLY. Like you're mom must have impressed upon how embarrassed you were too? Why is she like that? 😩 She's dunking on you!!

TBF I would want to gravity to stop for only me so I could sore into the atmosphere and choke if that happened to me. Like cringe is dead and we are all free, but HUMANS ARE ALSO ONLY SO STRONG!

Thanks for sharing and I gotta wonder how far this web your mom has woven goes. Has she told the people at the grocery store? Randos on the street? You have no idea where the next gremlin child will get you! Stay safe! 😂

[astridthevalkyrie]

trauma dump so my dad and i work in the same company right. he sits about twenty feet away from me (yeah it's fantastic i don't wanna jump out the window somtimes at all) but anyways today he comes over to my desk and in english and loud enough that my colleagues could hear he's like "your shower is clogged you need to fix it!" and a. my sisters and i have been telling him this for weeks so the fact that he is acting like he didn't know shows how little he actually listens to us and b. he only knows now bc since her bathroom is being painted my mother took a shower in ours and inconveniences only matter when it's inconveniences for them and c. he could have said this QUIETLY or in URDU and it would be fine but no apparently asking for respect in the workspace is too much to ask for so i told him "can you be a little less condescending about it?" and he got even more peeved and said he wasn't being condescending and was just telling me to clean out the clog (something i didn't even realize i could do like i didn't know i could lift the thing in the shower bc it looks screwed on and he's never told me this before) so i was like "okay whatever" and he walked away and i KNOW at least one of my colleagues overheard bc he joked something like "that sounded serious" so um. and yesterday my mom randomly got pissed at my sister and told me to stop teaching her to blame everything on my mother and i didn't wanna fight so i just said kay and tried to keep the mood positive with my mother because who am i if i'm not playing emotional support eldest daughter all the time and my dad heard the sound of conflict and went into the basement like the bystander and enabler he is!! anyways i have started another keigo fic that will most likely flop as well but idc because i'm having fun writing for him but i'm not having fun at home and i still lack the energy to find a therapist especially bc i know i'd have to pay for it out of pocket and i'd hear it from my parents (SEPARATELY ffs) that they don't think i need therapy but my sister has had trichotillomania for years and they're only now kinda seriously registering her into therapy after being told my several different doctors to do that because she has a fucking ANXIOUS TICK and they just don't see the correlation they don't see why she would have that and my mom keeps calling her crazy as though the woman doesn't have a barrage of mental health issues that she just refuses to address she has a therapist that she chooses not to talk to she takes depression pills she has meltdowns but it's oooover the second anyone else feels an emotion and now (and always) i'm being told that i'm teaching my sister to hate her and disobey her like BABE!!!! you are UNLIKEABLE and there is a reason no one in the house wants to spend time with you!!!! i'm already in this one stupid class that my parents pushed me into that i don't wanna get into but it's so annoying bc it takes up at least two hours aside from my 7:30 to 5 pm shift which if i go into office means i have to catch a 6 am train and be back at like 6:30 pm so i always push myself to stay up as late as i can to get some alone time where i can relax and then i wake up miserable and i push goals for myself to eat healthier and exercise bc i've gained weight even though everyone says i look like i don't eat (i don't) my mom will just randomly make a comment like "i can see your stomach poking out" or some SHIT like that and she's constantly trying to get me to drink her goddamn disgusting homemade mint water that will make my skin clearer and brighter but i like my brown skin and i'm not SELF HATING like some people! and she keeps bugging me to text the lady from this matchmaking service she enrolled me into but i do not WANT to because none of those men will like me because i god forbid put in my bio that i have ideals that i will not budge from and that i am a feminist and i need someone who will respect that i'm allowed to have as much freedom as them and desi men can't stomach that shit so. and my grandma uncle and his two kids are visiting this

(hit the character block limit) weekend and i have to make it into a fun game for my sister to always be around him and interact with everyone bc if me or her try to refill our social batteries in our rooms or interact with EACH OTHER instead of everyone else my mother will think it's the equivalent of stripping naked in front of everyone despite how she embarrasses us every fucking CHANCE she gets especially around her family and my grandma is back to living with us for at least a few months after this which means she'll sleep in my bed which means she'll use my pillows and take up half the bed and every time this happens my CHRONIC BACK PAIN FORGOT ABOUT THAT acts up more than usual so i'm considering sleeping downstairs but i tend to get anxious when i do that i'm just hoping it doesn't happen this time bc i'd rather be depressed as shit instead of anxious and anxiety scares me so bad i get into my own head so easily and i hate taking meds apparently i need vitamin d pills for the rest of my life and taking them makes me feel sick and i don't drink water no matter how hard i try bc the more i drink the more sick i feel and sometimes i go days without drinking water and sometimes i don't eat and sometimes i'm starving but after a single bite i'm full and somehow i'm still gaining weight and i can't expect anyone to care about this constantly because i'm no one's goddamn concern or burden anyways today i'm feeling really introspective and i want to sit with my feelings for a bit but i can't because once i get home (in the train right now) i have to have a one on one meeting with my course instructor and i miss acting but at the same time every time i think of it i think of that horrible incident a few months ago where i agreed to be in the ensemble of wizard of oz and the experience was so bad and the people were so awful and i was the only woc there and they treated me like dirt under their shoe and every time we had a show to put on i felt ill from how miserable i was and now i'm scared all my acting experiences will all be like this and i'm so tired i want to be held and comforted and i want someone to allow me to cry without telling me to cheer up and i want to stop being so nervous every time i meet someone new and i want my skin to be clearer and i want to be healthier and i want my mother to stop abusing me and i want to just sleep in for a whole day and have no one bother me and i want to answer all these asks in my inbox because some are more than a year old and i feel so bad and i go back to school in the fall and i'll be working full time and i can't even say well i guess i had a good break year because i didn't i was working the whole time and i'm almost always around one parent and i want to write without my wrists feeling pain and i want everyone to leave me alone.

[troglobite]

laksjdf

sometimes it feels like my mom gives really vague answers on purpose

i walked in to ask her abt dinner bc i was gonna get up and bake to stop myself from continuing to watch attorney woo

i can tell immediately that she's not in a good mood but idk why

so i gently ask two questions

bc on the screen is the ferry system for canada

so i ask what she's doing and she says looking at ferries to canada

and i ask "can i ask why?"

and she says bc they canceled the one from here to victoria [or something]

and i'm just like

so clearly no allowed to ask for clarification

my anxiety is spiking bc this could mean someone randomly suggested another (dangerous, not covid safe) trip and she's not telling me

and that's why she's in a "bad mood" already

and that's why she's giving me non-answers that she KNOWS are not fucking answers

bc she gets like this abt ONLY THINGS LIKE THIS

where she demands to know why i want to know

when i have repeated a million times and will repeat until the day i die

i just like to have all the information. it makes me feel better. i'm not gonna do anything with that information. but having it helps. being in the loop is super crucial for me.

but no, whenever something like this comes up, she gets angry and defensive and evasive and refuses to answer my questions

and puts herself in this triggered place of "beck is trying to control my life"

i just "accepted" her non-answer and tried to have a normal conversation

and she just acted weird and wouldn't pay any attention to me and was barely listening

and then got irritated when i mentioned why i came in--bc if she's making steak for dinner, then i didn't want to be in her way baking something, so i could bake something different maybe. that i'm trying to stop watching attorney woo bc i'm now on ep 8 of 16 (in like three days flat)

so now i'm just afraid to talk to her and i'm afraid she's mad at me

and i'm just supposed to Do Nothing About It

and pretend that everything's fine bc that's what she's doing.

bc if she's not telling me explicitly that something is wrong then i can't respond to that bc it's not fair to me to have to sit here and anticipate and read between the lines and be psychic to figure out what's going on

and apparently i'm not allowed to be concerned about covid or trips or anything

i'm so tired of being treated like an idiot nuisance the SECOND anything goes wrong

meanwhile she's put off looking at counselors for us both to go to until at least may

the reasons she listed aren't like, bullshit or anything. they're legitimate.

but i emailed her about it in january and then again at the beginning of february

and she didn't do anything about it or bring it up

and i was afraid to bring it up

and then i finally did

and i get this longass email talking about all this shit happening and how busy and how she won't have any money and she can't do anything "bc it deserves [her] full attention"

but that's just. impossible. nothing will ever get her full attention. she will never have enough space to actually devote to that.

she doesn't want to do this, i'm sure.

and if she does, she just wants to blame it all on me.

i hate this.

one semi-weird interaction and i'm spiraling and want to cry.

it's just the same every time

if i walk in and she has a weird fucking vibe then we're not gonna be normal at all for the rest of the day, and that's just that.

and she'll NEVER ADMIT that she was being weird and argumentative and short w me or rude or anything. "i'm completely fine and normal, stop insinuating that something is wrong"

but something IS wrong and you're lying to me and/or yourself and it's exhausting

and this is what i live in constant fear of

just something turning on a dime and it being impossible to exist in the same room with her or have a normal conversation

i can't ask innocent questions that mean nothing, that she wouldn't have a problem with any other day

and if i DARE suggest that's out of the ordinary, then i'm being the argumentative cruel and judgmental one

i'm tired. i hate these moods. i hate these times. i hate that there's nothing i can do about them.

bc then she's just infinitely louder around the house, too, so hiding in my room doesn't do anything.

then she'll get annoyed that i'm in my room or something.

i hate this.

there is no solution to this and she won't even LOOK at counselors for another 2 months.

meanwhile they'll probably stop accepting new patients by then if they haven't already.

i'm so fucking tired and sick of this.

i'm not gonna bake i'm just gonna keep watching attorney woo and keep hiding in my room. bc fuck this.