#at this point i really should break out in making my own book blog or even a book podcast just *something* where

[sinterblackwell]

oscars 2022 (book ver.)

there were a lot of books i read this year, a majority of them ones i really enjoyed. even so, it wasn’t that difficult to put together my top ten favorite reads, but i felt very uncomfortable with not getting to talk about books outside that range that still affected me a great deal. so!! this list helps me with that!!

a booktuber (@/Tori Morrow; highly recommend watching their videos, especially if you’re a big fan of sci-fi/fantasy since that’s majorly what they read and talk about) introduced me to this end-of-year activity where i could talk about these books that still stood out to me, even if they didn’t make it to the top 10. i think having trouble wrangling a certain # of stories into a list when you’ve read up to 135 is pretty valid but yeah!!

let the 2022 oscars (book ver.) commence!!

warning: this post is really long :’)

best supporting actress:

- martha wolf from “self-made boys” by anna-marie mclemore

“People always find something wrong with how much or how little women are doing,” Martha said. “We don’t do as much as they think we should, we’re boring or frigid. If we do more than they think we should, we’re easy or fast. There’s no winning. So I kiss exactly as many or as few girls as i want.”

aka my gay awakening. while she’s not the most major side character in this great gatsby retelling, she still has her lines, and she still has a big effect on the story that jumps the gun at times. as sparse as her scenes were with nicolás and gatsby, when she did show up, she always threw me for a loop because i was crushing on her hard lol (still am). also her voice added to the overall message of the novel set during a time where living loud & lavish was the big move but if you were too loud or too honest, you were a pariah. all the rules & expectations are so muddled in their idiocy that even gatsby complains about it, and he’s the one who appears to live the most lavishly of them all!!

but yeah, martha’s character really stood out to me, and the conversations she had with nicolás specifically were phenomenal so i don’t care if she’s seen as more minor compared to daisy or jordan, she’s my supporting character.

best supporting actor:

- alim from “you made a fool of death with your beauty” by akwaeki emezi

“Imagine that, Feyi. We’re alive, and I love you.”

alim will forever go down in literary history as one of the best romantic heroes to date, and it’s all just in how sincere and beautiful his presence in this story is. the moment feyi first lays her eyes on him, there’s this immediate attraction, which just stirs up a lot of trouble and believe me, there is a big storm coming for sure. but alim’s presence in this story is like a steady hand through those rocky waves and he doesn’t just make feyi feel that rush of feeling alive, he makes her feel comfortable in just getting to be in the quiet of the storm, because she knows he’ll always be right there with her if she lets him.

the connection that he & feyi have together when it came to both of them experiencing grief over a lost partner is incredibly profound, and i just loved so much how in a story that was solely in feyi’s pov, we still got to learn so much about alim and see so much of him. the way his love language isn’t just cooking the most heavenly meals, but through his incredible way with words, and how natural and peaceful it feels having him by your side, he’s such a force to be reckoned with.

i wish i could see more of him & feyi, and i wish their romance could’ve gotten the attention it deserved by making it to the finals in the 2022 goodreads choice awards. it was a big big snub to me, but hopefully to heal some of the wounds, their story being mentioned on my part here gives some attention.

best cinematography:

- “city of speed” by alex london

Drakopolis was like one of those dolls that you opened to find a smaller doll inside, and then a smaller doll inside that one, and on and on. You could live your whole life in the city and still discover strange and terrifying new things inside it every day. It was unsettling, Abel thought, but also a little exciting. It was hard to be bored in Drakopolis.

my reading journey with the battle dragons series is one that feels so epic, and yet it also feels so lonely, because no one ever really talks about this middle grade series, and that breaks my heart.

this cyperpunk fantasy with racing dragons and powerful gangs and such immersive storytelling isn’t on a lot of people’s radar and that feels so wrong to me.

one of the best things about it, and especially with this second book here, is how vivid this world feels, how bright & gritty & expansive it is. this story only takes place in this single city called Drakopolis, but it has such a wide impact that it feels like you’re seeing so much of what the author has to offer. the underground races that are considered illegal, the glittering signs of the city and the black markets that sell a vast range of items—all of it so descriptive in this book here that i could see it so clearly in my head, and i loved it a lot.

i loved how cinematic the story felt, and so sweet, and so for that, that’s why i feel it best deserves the winning praise for this category here. hopefully in the future, more readers can see that as well.

best original screenplay:

- “dark room etiquette” by robin roe

If he’s alive, I’ll read his thoughts. If he’s dead, I’ll summon his ghost. Tell me, Daniel, what present do you want?

The big one.

this category speaks to a story that was crafted in a way that makes it stand out, its structure manipulated so as to mimic the story itself. for this book, the start of it felt so monotonous and as if the main character was living in a bubble that was fit to burst. it felt very reminscent of jake from “the taking of jake livingston” by ryan douglass, which garnered some mixed reviews because of how flat the main character read at the beginning. both ya, one horror & one thriller—what both roe & douglass did with these stories was they wrote their characters like that on purpose so that when the tone of the story did shift, when the characters were forced to react to what was happening to them and to those around them, you as the reader were confronted with their break in reality.

it was astonishing to witness how the authors crafted these characters’ surroundings as a nod to how it may have felt for both of them living in a society that acts so completely fake at times and demands conformity but then when there’s a shift, it’s as if the walls fall all around them.

“dark room etiquette” was such a phenomenal read that deserves so much more praise for its writing and the character work as we observe the three different stages of sader’s life that changes him fundamentally. the way he molds itself when the situation calls for it and is left misshapen because he doesn’t have any real sense of his own identity was just…something else, and it made the last quarter of the book so meaningful once he learned how to try & fit back inside himself. but first, he has to reckon with all the trauma he’s endured as other characters and their traumas are also given a spotlight.

best new author (debut or new to me):

- freydís moon

“It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God.” - “with a vengeance”

for this category, i’m cheating just a tad because one of this author’s works is present in my top 10, but i think when your new favorite authors from this year all have a place in your top 10 list, it goes to show how much they deserve to be considered for this category. the reason why i chose this one as the winner here is because i feel i don’t talk about this author nearly enough.

moon’s social media presence (freydísmoon on insta, freydis_moon on twitter) means the world to me as i watch them promote their writing and also open my eyes to a new genre of literature where erotica meets a holiness like no other, and their descriptions of worship as their characters reclaim their bodies for themselves completely takes your breath away. i feel an immense sentimentality for the fact that the characters of exodus 20:3 and with a vengeance are latine, and so the representation is even more powerful because the latine community have our own kind of relationships to the Catholic faith and how our identities can be disconnected from family.

each of moon’s books have such different tones but share similar threads that as a reader, is so completely beautiful because it’s such a versatile experience. with with a vengeance being the one with the most anger & violence, it’s amazing seeing moon release three kings a couple months after, a cozy fantasy set in a small seaside town that has its own power with the forces of magic and exploration of fertility. their writing is like complete chaos but it’s a welcome one that i’m so thankful to have found, and i’m really excited for their new release set to come in early february as i know it’ll be absolutely everything.

best ensemble cast:

- the characters of “fragile remedy” by maria ingrande mora

Keep going, Pixel. Keep going.

i have a very soft spot for this small group who are forced to live out in the Withers, a ravaged wasteland left abandoned after an illness swept through society and tore these characters down into drug-ridden spaces as those with much more power built their own utopia.

while the narrative of the story is mainly told through the eyes of nate, his little found family and the other characters he attaches himself to are bigger than life and make their own home in this dystopian society where it’s every life for themselves. the difference though, is that this group stick together, and in this broken society that leaves others high & dry, sticking together in a group is probably the smartest choice so as to not simply fade away.

there’s one character, specifically, in this ensemble, whose relationship with nate i absolutely adore, and it was such a heartbreaking dynamic that is so unconventional but is a product of how broken this society has gotten. alden & nate’s connection is very significant to me, and is one i’ll never forget; it pains me that not more readers know about these characters at all, but i’m just glad for now i discovered this story the way i did, which was completely by chance.

best book i haven’t read yet:

- “the midnight girls” by alicia jaskinska

i love this category because the pressure i feel to read this book is so strong with how quickly i knew it deserves this spot here.

i really really have to read this book soon. i had the perfect opportunity to read this story of monsters back in october for the halloween season, and if not then, then just reading it during the fall would’ve been fine. but no, now we’re in winter where currently the temperatures are below freezing in my area, and i am barely holding on. i’m certain that with zosia’s comfort in the cold and ice of winter, reading this book in january would be another good opportunity.

whenever i do read this story, i know it’ll be so fun, and so interesting as well because the writing i could already tell is beautiful as hell, and it’s so wicked these characters. i can already feel the anticipation for something guaranteed to be five stars by how good its premise is, so i just need to hop on quick.

best director:

- ryan la sala for “the honeys”

what i like about this category is that “best director” isn’t simply dedicated to an author who had the best writing or whatever. there were a lot of authors i met this year whose stories went in all different directions that took me to some extreme highs & lows, it was mind-numbing as hell. but what this category is really spoken for is when it comes to a certain type of writer who just really took the story to a whole new level that left you completely boggled.

originally, this category felt best directed towards tal bauer with “stars”, whose direction of the story was books in the making and because of that, it felt so much more epic than ever. but since i wanted to exclusively highlight some books that weren’t included in my top 10 favorite reads list, ryan la sala’s debut horror novel was the best contender for this position.

the writing in this ya is so surreal and deadly in its descriptions of an atmospheric setting glowing with light but that is rooted in strange visions and manipulative strings. it’s a compliment i don’t shut up about and never will because the fact that it was so surreal made the direction it went towards in its ending absolutely bonkers, and i still can’t quite wrap my head around it after the two months i’ve read it since.

what i can say is that i very much look forward to more of what this author has planned next in their writing career because it’s clear they have their own visions that on paper will blow readers’ minds, and i’m totally here for it.

best actress:

- mina rahman from “a show for two” by tashie bhuiyan (runner up: cherry neita from “the princess trap” by talia hibbert)

I wish for happiness in whatever form it might be.

tashie bhuiyan has quickly solidified herself to be one of my utmost favorite ya authors because of how much i absolutely adore her main characters. with only two books under her belt, bhuiyan has swept me away with not just some of the sweetest ya romances i’ve ever read, but also some of the most wonderful & hard-hitting narrators that i’ve met. karina from counting down with you meant so much to me when i was reading her story last year in 2021, and now this year i got to read mina’s, and it made me cry just as much as i did last year, if not a little more.

karina’s story filled me with a lot of anxiety because of how much pressure was building on her shoulders due to her desperate need to please her parents who have such high & unattainable expectations for her—and i say unattainable because it means it would cut away at karina’s happiness, and she would have to lose parts of herself in order to make them happy. for mina, she’s much more defiant with her parents, much more poised when it came to holding her head up high against her parents’ disgust of her attitude and just her presence in general. her defiance isn’t one that stems from acting like your usual stubborn & rebellious teenager, but rather one who’s had to grow up way too fast on her own and has had to fight to get what she wants no matter what. her parents have shamed her so much for her dreams and have tried to make her feel stupid for wanting to make it big in film and believing that she does have that chance. to see such a strong character try to beat back against those low expectations but then have moments where they still get so tired, it was incredibly difficult.

i think one of the hardest things about tashie bhuiyan’s stories up to this point is the very very toxic relationship that the main characters have with their parents. the pure shame & disappointment these adult figures hassle on their eldest daughters, even if it’s portrayed in different ways, it is such a heavy & emotional experience to read about. i’ve been made aware how it’s this portrayal that mixes up a lot of readers because of the stigma that it reinforces of how Muslim families interact. i can’t speak on the Muslim representation, i just really connected a lot to karina & mina, and i wished so much for their happiness because i believed so much in them as other characters believed in them, too—what was most important was seeing them get to believe in themselves and their aspirations, and it was a hard journey to get there. i feel very very protective of these characters, and this is one of those instances where i won’t stand for any backlash against them, especially mina, because i’m of the strong belief that they deserve none of it, and that is that on that.

the reason why i added cherry here from the princess trap as like the “runner up” is because she was just such a fun & sweet character that is partly what made my first talia hibbert book such a memorable experience. the way that she’s so confident in herself and her style is what draws the eye of other characters, especially ruben, and i was absolutely obsessed with how obsessed they were with her because she really is that character. her presence in the story was so mystifying but she wasn’t some mirage, this was all her, she was real & she was stunning as hell. she’s very relatable and she’s one of those fictional characters i wish i could have in my life because her voice was absolutely everything, and she’s someone i could genuinely look up to.

it was very important to me to include her in this category because of that.

best actor:

- amastan from “the perfect assassin” by k.a. doore (runner up: reid giordano from “fire season” by k.d. casey)

I choose to believe that your strong sense of justice will prevail among your kind and that you will emerge as their natural leader, even if I cannot believe in what you do.

the funny thing with this one is that at first, reid was immediately my first choice because he was everything!! he was such a brilliant main character who went through such a tough and honest character journey that was so well-developed and he’s still growing!!

but then i thought about amastan from the chronicles of ghadid series, and how my immense love for his voice in the story was enough for me to rate the first book a little higher than i would’ve if he wasn’t the main character. and you want to know something that still blows my mind?? amastan apparently didn’t even exist as a main character in the original draft of this series!!

so yeah, he’s someone that’s stuck with me a lot: and it’s partly because of how he was our first glimpse into this family of cousins who assassinate their targets for the better of their city. i loved his love for history & the way he challenges the idea of what a good assassin is supposed to emulate, and his character in general just hit a sweet spot in my brain that has now had me latch myself to him, and to this world he lives in that made my entire chronicles of ghadid experience such an immersive read.

he has his morals and he wants to believe in the better of others, but he’s still really strict when it comes to crossing that line, and that makes him an absolutely wonderful mentor, as we see in book two. i was really happy to see his pov again in the final book, even if it was pretty brief, but he still had a larger than life role in my heart and in this series. i am very thrilled that it took a random bookstagram post to have given me the opportunity to meet him in the first place.

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.

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and that is a wrap!!

[11cupids-tarot11]

What can help your dreams ★Manifest☆ ?

1 -> 3

︻デ═一・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

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Tarot Deck used: Garbage Pail Kids

Oracle Deck used : The Roast Iconic

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Pile 1- The Devil, Six of Coins in Reverse, The Hanged Man

Oracle cards- "Billionaire: Are you hoarding wealth to fuel your King or Queen Baby dreams? Do not pass Go, do not collect a million dollars, don't even go to jail or pay taxes- think about doing some good and using your hoard to end WORLD HUNGER ALREADY!"

"Black Square: Apparently, you are only down for doing the bare minimum during an incredibly significant time to stand up and advocate for human rights. Drawing this card reminds you that your actions need to not be just performative, they must be based in real knowledge and include follow-through, both online and IRL (in real life). You don't have to be on the front lines, but at this point in history, you can't be silent either."

Hi my pile 1's 😭 I feel like it's been forever I hate being away from my blog for too long cause I start to miss y'all literally lol.

So anyways for your reading today I feel like Spirit is wanting to draw attention to maybe some addictions, self sabotage is what I heard while shuffling the cards. I feel this heavy energy of someone purposely messing up their own blessings in a way I feel like maybe someone's stuck in this very heavy energy but also not really doing anything about it? Like maybe you know something's not good for you, maybe it's a connection or even a job that's tiring you out, it's something along those lines but you just can't stop it, you know? I heard someone needs to do an energy cleanse! I heard take some time off. Maybe someone's drowning themselves in something like studying too much, there's something about over doing something. Someone could have very curly hair here.

So I'm hearing here someone should take the time off and do something fun, relax a little. I think there's a message here also of feeling like you haven't done enough of something and you're obsessing about it mentally a lot and spirit is saying just take a little break from it and endulg in something else, something that makes you happy and makes you feel like you, you know? Even if it's just taking a walk while listening to your favorite music or maybe reading your favorite book and watching your favorite movie, you know? So with the six of coins here I'm also getting a message of like you've worked really hard already and you've done a great job honestly it's okay to rest and not be perfect already already, Rome wasn't built in a day I'm hearing!

The hanged man is just confirmation you've definitely been making yourself sick and stuck by obsessing over this thing. I also feel like maybe you're stuck because spirit is wanting you to see things from a different perspective, like in my garbage pail kid tarot card Wacky Jacky is hanging and all stuck in a tree but while she's stuck she realizes she sees the world in a whole different perspective and it's then new ideas come to her. Approach your goal from a new angle!

I feel like someone here is also someone very important with a very hard position and that might be why you work so hard, you have a lot of pressure on you maybe. Take what resonates!

Hope you enjoyed this reading! Let me know, I love you and take care ♡

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Pile 2- Queen of Wands Reversed, Seven of Wands Reversed and Three of Cups.

Oracle cards- "Troll: Are you a Necessary Evil? Do you feel you must play Devil's Advocate? Or are you someone who hates themselves so much they feel they have to try to get others to feel the same way? If you answered "yes" to one or more of these questions, please seek help or therapy, or get a hobby."

"Bitch: Are you being a Bitch, or just making sure they can't take advantage of you? Stand up for yourself, but make sure you don't steamroll anyone in the process. Do no harm, but take no shit."

Hi pile 2's, hope you're doing amazing 🤩

So right off the bat I'm picking up shy energy lol, someone who's maybe more reserved or introverted. I don't want to say basically Spirit thinks you should be loud or more outgoing but I definitely think you'll go through a time period of weird energy and out of the ordinary situations happening that are forcing you out of your comfort zone. You might not get any more extroverted but I definitely do see branching out might help, sitting with your close friends and just letting yourself let loose or just enjoy the company. You might be someone who people look at and not get the big picture right away, like they have lots of accusations about you but you're kind of closed off so these accusations aren't 100% true because there's more to you than people know, you're just not the type to go and give yourself away that easily. You might be someone who prefers to keep a very close knit group of friends, I heard something about trust issues.

You could be petite, someone who doesn't look like they're very strong and that's what surprises everyone when you finally do show them you are indeed strong. You can be loud and extroverted too I think it's a choice to really be in this shell of yours, maybe it's what's comfortable and that's exactly the problem, when we're too comfortable we don't see the point in changing. Like why fix it if it isn't broken? But you hold great significance, you're just a significant person to the universe and I'm not even sure if you're aware but you are lol.

It's crazy because I'm picking up mixed messages lol, with the Queen of Wands in reverse it makes me feel like someone here is very down and unsure about themselves, needs to take some me time and get away from socializing but with the Three of Cups someone here needs to "stop being alone so much" is how I channeled it, advising you to go out more with the people you love and celebrate, have a good time and just have fun so take what resonates as you know yourself best and what applies to your situation.

With the seven of Wands I'm getting a message of someone who's stressed, you maybe have felt very tired, over worked maybe, even dealing with certain responsibilities or relationship makes us feel tired and all worn out so take this how it resonates. You're on the brink of giving up, maybe you felt like it's not worth it or simply just can't find results you've been wanting to see, maybe this thing is literally killing you because Spirit is stressing you drop it enough to take the stress off you. I wouldn't advise anyone to just give up, but Spirit used such words as "drop it" like maybe the thing you're supposed to drop isn't serving you and that's why it's making you feel so bad. I'm just hearing Spirit even ask if you think all of this is worth it? This is something tough that's been bothering you, it could even be as simple as negative thoughts with all of the wands energy here, I think this is a group in their head a lot always trying to hold themselves accountable and very motivated to just do right. I heard a message that it's hard coming up for new creative endeavors because of all of the negativity in your thoughts holding you back, this energy is blocking your ideas. It's like you vs you almost, I think you have the power to help your dreams manifest all on their own just with your thoughts alone so keep a check for your energy, watch who you share your energy with because it's important and powerful. You're powerful I heard!

I hope you find this helpful! Take care angelz love you! ♡

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

Pile 3- Seven of Cups, The Chariot and King of Wands.

Oracle Cards- "Black Square: Apparently, you are only down for doing the bare minimum during an incredibly significant time to stand up and advocate for human rights. Drawing this card reminds you that your actions need to not be just performative, they must be based in real knowledge and include follow-through, both online and IRL (in real life). You don't have to be on the front lines, but at this point in history, you can't be silent either."

"Red Flag: No matter how often you try to bleach the red flags white, they only turn back to red. You have been warned- now PULL ANOTHER CARD!"

"Cult Leader: You are not a guru, a Timelord, or a demigod. You are an egomaniac who needs minions so you can feel like an authority to compensate for your own feelings of inferiority. Grow up!"

Hi pile 3! Hope you're having a fantastic day where you are!

So right away I'm picking up a message of not seeing the bigger picture, this pile feels more like a "How to Manifest more quicker" lol. I'm hearing this very slow moving energy, someone refusing to move on to the next chapter though you might be aware it's time to even but I'm getting a sense of fear. Even if you are unaware of these changes there's still so much anxiety and fear surrounding you at these times because the universe is basically forcing you to move lol! Move or be moved I'm hearing.

So overall I feel like someone in this pile might have lots of distractions, someone might have adhd and a hard time concentrating on tasks. Spirits drawing your attention these times and reminding you to stay focus.

With the Chariot card I feel like there's some movement here that needs to happen, you need to take action. I think that's the best way to help your manifestations right now, maybe someone here even forget exactly what they were manifesting and Spirit is like "Uhh HELLO? DO YOU REMEBER THAT THING??" lol. I heard someone's just been away from the job a little too long, I even get from the Seven of Cups it might've been you were distracted with something else that just sparked your attention better, but all that glitters isn't gold!

So I think you're working on being in this King of Wands energy, someone who is very productive, knows what they want, speaks up about anything, rather it's an idea they have or just wanting authority. I feel like a few of you even might know exactly what this is, I feel like a few of you might not even have a specific dream you want to manifest just clicking on the reading for fun lol but there's still a secretive message here I think you'll understand as you apply it to your situation.

Spirit is asking you to maybe think about the roots you want to plant and start from there, stay true to your craft and perspective and be committed.

I hope you enjoyed this reading! I love you, see you soon ❤️ ★

[bonefall]

So, I'm writing an essay on the whole STATE of misogyny in WC for one of my university classes, and I was wondering if I could ask you a couple of things! No pressure of course, please feel free to say no!

A) Could I reference your good takes with appropriate harvard referencing and links back to your blog?

B) Are there any specific moments from the books that you think should be covered the most?

C) The end result will be a visual essay, so it's like those fun infographics people on Tumblr make on like ADHD and stuff, so when it's done, would you like to be tagged to read it?

(Sorry for anon, I'm nervous lmao, but if you'd be more comfortable I'll resend this off anon)

AAY good topic! You've got a lot to work with. Absolutely feel free to reference anything I've written, and tag me when you're done.

While you're here and about to write something so legitimate, I'm also going to recommend you check out Sunnyfall's video on gender in Warrior Cats. She breaks down the arcs into numbers, directly comparing the amount of lines mollies have to toms, and examining the archetypes women are usually allowed to be.

I think it's a must-have citation in a paper about WC misogyny.

...and, I think it's insightful to look at the WCRP Forum thread about the video. Note how the respondents immediately come into the thread to complain about how the video is too long so they didn't watch it, dismissing Sunnyfall as not being entertaining enough to hold their attention, even whining that she starts with statistics to prove her point, which I'm convinced she did exactly because they would have cried that she "had no evidence" if she didn't.

I am not a scholar, so I don't know how to document or prove that the books have an impact on the audience outside of anecdotes. But I think if you do write a section about fandom, it would be worth mentioning the in-universe and metatextual apologia for Ashfur and its reflection in the real world discourse, the authorial killing of Ferncloud because of fan complains, and the utter defensiveness against the discussion of misogyny you see outside of Tumblr.

You may also want to check out Cheek by Jowl, a collection of 8 essays about sexism in xenofiction by Ursula K. Le Guin. There's a very unique manifestation of authorial bias in animal fiction, having a lot to do with how the author views "the natural world," and it's worth understanding even though Warrior Cats are so heavily anthropomorphized.

So... Warrior Cats Misogyny

I think discussing individual instances can be helpful, but I'd implore you to keep in mind what's REALLY bad about WC's misogyny is framing and the bigger picture.

Bumble's death is shocking and insulting, but it's not just that she died. It's that the POV Gray Wing sees her as a fat, useless bitch who took his mate so she deserves to be dragged back to a domestic abuser, and he's right because the writers love him so much. It's that Bumble's torture and killing only factors into how it's going to hurt a man's reputation.

It's how Clear Sky hitting, emotionally manipulating, or killing the following women,

Bright Stream (pressured into leaving her home and family)

Storm (controlled her movements and yelled at her in public)

Misty (killed for land, children stolen)

Bumble (beaten unconscious, blamed nonsensically on a fox)

Alder (child abuse, hit when she refused to attack her brother)

Falling Feather (scratched on the face, subjected to public abuse and humiliation)

Tall Shadow (thrown into murderous crowd, attacked on-sight in heaven)

Rainswept Flower ("blacked out" in anger and murdered in cold blood)

Moth Flight (scratched on the face for saying denying medical treatment is mean, taken hostage in retaliation against mother for the death of his own child, which he caused)

Willow Tail (eyes gouged out for "stirring up trouble")

Is seen as totally understandable, forgivable, or not even questioned at all, when killing Gray Wing in an act of rage would have been "one step too far" with the ridiculous Star Line.

"Kill me and live with the memory, and then let the stars know it would only matter if a single one of your murder victims was a man."

It's the way that fathers who physically abuse their kids out of their ego (Clear Sky, Sandgorse, Crowfeather) aren't treated anywhere near the same level of narrative disgust and revulsion the series has for "bad moms", even if they're displaying symptoms of a post-partum mood disorder (depression, anxiety, and rage), an umbrella of mental illnesses 20% of all new mothers experience but are heavily stigmatized with (Sparkpelt, Palebird, Lizardstripe).

It's Crookedstar's Promise giving him two evil maternal figures in a single book, while bending over backwards to make every man in a position of power still look likeable in spite of the fact they're enabling Rainflower's abuse. Leader Hailstar is soso sorry that he has to change Stormkit's name for some reason, in spite of leaders being unaccountable dictators the other 99% of the time, and Deputy Shellheart functionally does nothing to stop his own son from being abused or even do much parenting before or after the fact.

It's the way men's parental struggles are seen sympathetically, and they don't have to "pay for it" like their female counterparts (Crookedstar's PPD vs Sparkpelt's PPD, how Daisy and Cinders are held responsible for Smoky and Whisper being deadbeats, Yellowfang's endless guilt for killing her son vs Onestar's purpose in life to kill his own), even to the point where a father doesn't have to have raised their kids at all to have a magical innate emotional connection to them (Tree's father Root, Tom the Wifebeater, Tigerstar and Hawkfrost).

It's less speaking lines and agency for female characters, being reduced to accessories in the lives of their mates and babies, women getting less diversity in their personalities, with even major ex-POV characters eventually becoming "sweet mom" tropes.

You could zoom in on any one of these examples and have an amoeba try to argue with you that "Oh THIS makes sense because X" or "Ah well my headcanon perfectly explains this thing" or "MY mother/girlfriend was abusive/toxic/neglectful and I've decided that you are personally attacking ME by having issues with how a character was written or utilized," but the beleaguered point,

That I keep trying to hammer in, over and over, across books worth of posts,

Is that these are trends. More than just a couple one-off examples. It's the fabric that has been woven over years, showing a lack of interest in, or even active prejudice of, women on behalf of the writers.

LONG STANDING trends, which have only gotten worse as the series progressed. From Yellowfang being harshly punished with a born evil son who ruins her life in TPB and the mistreatment of Squirrelpaw that begins in TNP, all the way up to the 7 Fridgenings of DOTC and Sparkpelt's PPD being a major character motivator for her son Nightheart.

So, I would stress that in your paper, and structure it less as "the Sparkpelt slide" and "the Yellowfang slide," and more as "The paternal vs maternal abuse" slide, and "the violence against women" slide. They're really big issues, there's tons of examples for each individual thing.

Anyway to leave off on a funny, look at this scene in Darkest Hour that I find unreasonably hilarious,

"Everyone who matters to me; my truest friend, my sensible and loyal warrior, the wisest deputy I've ever known, and 2 women." -Firestar, glorious idiot

He can't even think of a single trait for either of them what the hell does "formidable pair" mean lmaooo, when I finished a reread about a year ago this line killed me on impact.

[goddessxeffect]

« INTRO: AWAKEN TO (YOUR)SELF »

A BEGINNERS GUIDE TO ALL THINGS CONSCIOUSNESS

This blog used to be a journal in the process of self realization of it's creator but has yet turned out to be a collection of sources and information guiding you too on your way back to your true Being. It all started with the question: “Who are you really?” and the realization that reality is not what it seems. I'm at a point now where I do not follow any teachings or concepts anymore nor did I consent in strictly deviding law of assumption from non dualism in the past. Nowadays, I see myself as an advocate for Self-realization. That being said, I really want to distance myself from any "new age manifestation/law of assumption" (do this to get xyz) teachings practised on youtube or tiktok.

I did create my own content in the past but stopped because there is nothing new to say and my understanding has deepened. Posts and annotations written by me are easily recognisable by my typical colour code, which is obviously displayed here. I only answer questions for understanding or clarification, guidelines here.

HOW TO START

Advaita Vendata (Non Dualism): an Introduction

Core of non dual understanding

If everything is consciousness, I am everything and everything is me? I still feel like "me", I don't feel like god of my reality How to become aware(ness) How to control the thoughts How to be free from emotions and thoughts Stop concerning yourself with the wants and needs of Ego How to loose attachment to Ego What you really are How to be Consciousness/ Awareness

In the end, the only question remaining should be who you are without all the labels attached to "I am". You will come to discover you do not want freedom from this shape alone, but from all shapes. Be aware of your past being over. "External world shows otherwise? Just be like "for how long do you think it can keep this up when you have nothing to do with it?" @Ada

MY CONTENT/ EPIPHANIES

You can experience pain in your life but you don’t have to ‘suffer’ the pain.”  - Anon I mus

#masterpost, #goddessawakening

» Mosaic » Be yourself first »"Manifesting" » Freedom » Being » Why everbody misinterprets Self concept » Is there a real difference? »Misidentification » Consciousness & Limitation » No others » Question Reality » Missing » Ego & Time

ADDITIONAL MATERIAL

... what to find on my blog through the tags

Advise/FAQs: Koda, Nova, iam-you, Cassie, Bry, Jag, Vesora, Lain, more What is Ego? How it feels to be Self / Awareness All on Self Realization and Detachment All on LOA trough a non dualistic view Books

If you still want to focus on "getting your desires" after been through all the info, search Neville Goddard (all his books and lectures). If you have a hard time understanding Neville, I advise some people who break down his teachings in a short and modern way of speaking: Edward Art (Reddit(Series), Audio), embodythestate, niclasupgradetolife, Josiah Brandt on YouTube

[doylldonmagar]

So I saw @hermesmyplatonicbeloved 's post and had some thoughts. I agree and disagree. I am a percabeth fan but I also know that some of it is screwy, and if you are familiar with my blog, you know this. I think RR screwed up and wrote out a LOT of trauma, I think he really should have dealt with that better. I think it's not good that he wrote trauma and mental issues and abuse into the foundation of many characters and then has ignored it when it became convenient for the plot.

I would love to see specific quotes and books for these because some of them I have no memory of and would like to revisit them.

I'm gonna talk my way through all of this so I'm gonna text break here

The first point is Percy scaring her to tears. I can only imagine in Tartarus? Like when they're both in their worst state? I don't know. I agree they should have talked about it, but I think they should have talked about all of HoH, which brings me back to saying: Rick really failed at dealing with trauma and processing and long term effects. Honestly, being scared *of* him, yeah I agree that's bad, but is that the situation? If she's scared by his power, then I'm not sure of where I stand on this, I don't know anyone with demigod powers, but I don't think I'd be scared simply because I know someone is capable of hurting me. Plenty of people are capable of hurting me. Like I don't know, what situation is this?

"Percy has been suicidal the whole time annabeth has known him, in BoO Percy attempts suicide and annabeth said nothing, noticed nothing" I'd really like a page or quote because i remember him being suicidal but never attempting. (Im rereading what i wrote, is this maybe referring to percy deciding it would be better if he drowned when hes with Jason? If so, I thought the book said annabeth wasn't told that he wanted to give up) But really my bigger issue with this statement is the fact that it's not necessarily a bad relationship just because a person doesn't realize someone is suicidal, or if their suicidal thoughts are fluctuating. If he's been suicidal the entire time she's known him, how should she know? And why is it the girlfriend's job to stop him from suicide? Like yeah she should care, but that's not her responsibility. No one should feel responsible for a significant other's suicide unless they encouraged the SO to do it.

The judo flip, I agree, annabeth should have been more sensitive to Percy's past and again, I blame Rick for conveniently forgetting that an abused kid is not going to laugh or even take well to being thrown on the ground. This also reminds me of a post I made a while back, because I was so frustrated by media portrayals of women getting upset (usually worried) about another character and shaking them or hitting them or using some form of violence, and that's portrayed as acceptable and normal and as a sign of love. I'm not a fan of that.

"Annabeth likes to keep percy on his toes" this point, I want specific quotes, cause I'd like to go over it again. I agree this is funky. Percy says he feels more comfortable with annabeth and feels like he can talk to her blah blah, but yeah, I think I remember him saying she makes him anxious and that's a problem for me. Like genuinely, to anyone who reads this: if your SO makes you feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, or unsafe, please reevaluate your relationship and be safe. That's not good. And back to percabeth, I'm really not sure why RR would say that.

Bringing up abusive stepfather. If annabeth didn't already know about Gabe...I don't know, that says to me that percy was too traumatized to talk about it, in which case, why can annabeth see it in his actions, his comments, his reactions? I don't know that either. But I do know that having met my fair share of traumatized kids, it's not at all uncommon for them to share trauma as a joke and for multiple kids to laugh it off, not to mention suicidal jokes or jokes about their own abuse. Now I want to be clear, I'm not saying that's healthy, I think that's bad, but I also think it's common. And if annabeth doesn't realize what he's really talking about, or is caught up in her own experience, or is uncomfortable, laughing is not an uncommon response. And I don't think that makes their relationship toxic. (And I'm saying it again: I think Rick wrote that so that people could say oh poor percy and feel strongly about how horrible the situation is, but he didn't want to get into the trauma, so by annabeth laughing it off, he can move on with the scene but include little details that show how bad tartarus is)

I don't remember any comments about poseiden, but I agree her interactions with Tyson are problematic. I have zero explanation or excuse, I really don't know what rick was thinking with that, unless it was maybe a way to signify how all halfbloods feel about monsters? (Now that I've said that, that kinda makes sense, if percy sees a monster who was his human friend, but everyone else just sees a monster who is just like the other monsters who have killed their siblings. But still. Annabeth saying he was gross was uncalled for, Rick could have said she was scared or concerned this was a trick or something, but disgust?)

I agree about Percy's unresolved trauma manifesting as fear of annabeth. I already commented on the judo flip, see comments above.

Percy absolutely has horrible self asteem. I'm not sure that's annabeths problem. Yeah she should support him in every way she can, but it's not her responsibility or anyone else's to make him feel better about himself. She should want to, and she should be positive and encouraging, but I don't think Percy's lack of growth is her problem or necessarily a sign of a toxic relationship. It can be, but I'm not certain it is in this case. I think, as I'm sure you know if you've read this much, Rick doesn't know how to write characters who are further along in their trauma- processing, healing, discussing- rick fails to deal with anything besides a currently traumatized kid and a unresolved but out of the directly abusive situation. (This is where I'd like to note, the whole seaweed brain thing, not funny to me, not cute. I'm not a fan because I do think that encourages negative self image. I am aware that that could be link to annabeths childhood, but again, I would expect her to be hyperaware of this sort of emotional abuse. And I blame Rick. Why does she never have her actual abuse mentioned?)

I don't recall annabeth pushing percy to choose between them. I would have said she had doubts about him still wanting to go to CA and he said that he regretted not being there for Estelle but didn't want to be without annabeth (which is kinda cute, kinda codependent to me, and I agree, codependency is not cute)

I would argue the last point "Percy has no interest in going to New Rome or University" is clearly false. In SoN (2nd book of HOO) Percy discovers there are full families living in New Rome, and how it's safe there, and he says multiple times that he wants that, how he remembers he had a girlfriend named annabeth and he wants her to be there and wants to be able to settle down *there*. And in ChaliceotG he's torn, because he does want to stay in New York for his mom and sister, but he really wants to be with annabeth and he loves new Rome. He says multiple times how he wants to go to New Rome. Its true, if the only reason he wants to go is for annabeth, that's a bit funky. But new Rome is the safest place for demigods, and he's been in wars for years, of course he wants that. And wanting to be out of school- okay? New Rome isn't just about the university, not to mention the New Rome university is focused on kids with dyslexia and adhd, obviously. So it will be tailored to him, his struggles are understood, accepted, and aided. Who wouldn't see the appeal in that?

And finally, I agree, that if a character or couple is going to have broad reach, they should be healthy. That's a problem i have with Colleen hoover and all her toxic relationships that have a large audience and are so loved by that audience. And back to this, I hate that the pjo hoo couples are so focused on in the books because fans always pay attention to the couples, but the focus amplifies them, and I think having a relationship be the main focus of a kids/teen/ya book sets up horrible mindsets, and idolizes relationships and all in all is not good for kids. Percabeth or not, healthy or not, I don't think the emphasis on relationships is good.

I might link some of my other posts that I mentioned or that address similar issues in the reblogs

[ddarker-dreams]

under what conditions can blade's dry texting extend beyond an archaic emoji reaction

i've mostly likely answered thousands of asks since i've started this blog four years ago.................... i've had some tricky characters questions that stumped me for a few minutes, but never longer than that. this, however... was my ultimate test. i actually had to think on it for a while 😭

-

in an ironic twist, the only way you could ever get blade to double text (and beyond) is if you're the one not texting him.

blade isn't the panicking type. if his mara is under control, his composure is second to none. he doesn't jump to crazy conclusions or work himself up if you've gone a few hours without texting him. you have a life of your own you're leading, which he respects, since his line of work frequently requires him to be away for weeks at a time. it'd be hypocritical of him to demand your attention the second he has some downtime.

it does strike him as odd once six or so hours have passed. he takes the area you occupy into consideration, since having consistent time zones across an infinite universe is impossible. he doesn't have to check a convertor. he just knows what hours you'll be awake or asleep, it's built into his circadian rhythm. if it's crickets on your end during the time you should be awake, he starts wondering.

normally, you're texting him selfies and pictures of your meals throughout the day, composing sickeningly sweet lines that almost make him blush from how unabashed they are. not having these silly snapshots of your life to look forward to after his work does a number on his already dour mood. he never really thought about how integral your presence has become to him until you deviated from your normal behavior.

at around the eight hour mark, he gets this sinking feeling in his stomach. he'll text you questions asking if you're okay, if anything's wrong... his eyes remain glued to his screen. any slight vibration that could be a notification from you has him whipping his phone out at inhuman speed. it's at this point that he breaks down and asks silver wolf to do him a favor, starting with checking recent surveillance footage in your area. if she can't find anything, that means you must've stayed in your residence. next up is tracking your location through your phone.

blade's already thinking about how to speed up the process of this world's destruction so he can book it back to you, when a vibration catches his attention. it's an unknown number. when he opens it, he's greeted by a selfie of you beside mechanical parts, with the caption,

'guess who accidentally smashed their phone while trying to kill a bug loooooooooooool'

all he can do is pinch his nose and sigh. if his hair ever grays again, it'll be thanks to you.

[stuckinapril]

Hi Cianna, just wanted to say I really admire your study ethic and general vibe on this blog (you inspire me to do better!)

Do you have any advice/tips for good study habits and staying focused? I find that I get some work done, but after a break I can't get back on track

Sorry for the long ask/ studyblr type of question;; what is your favourite hairstyle that you do with your hair! (I also have curly brown hair :)

Have a lovely day also <3

🌻🌻

hi! i touch on a lot of points in this other ask, but a few specific learning techniques i abide by are:

parkinson's law. parkinson's law states that work expands to fill the time. basically if you have an essay that's due in a week, it will magically take you one week to get it done, even if the task itself could've been done in one day. to counter this i just set artifical deadlines for myself--even if an essay is due in a week, my personal deadline has it due in two days.

prime your brain prior to learning. if you need to study a biology chapter, pre-skim it the night before. this is not the time to go into detail--it's the time to familiarize yourself with the overview of the topic, so you should only be making a quick scan of the chapter. another priming method is to make a concept map of topics before diving into a chapter. as you skim write down key terms haphazardly, google those you don't recognize, and draw a concept map linking them together. this is effective bc it requires you to actually put effort into connecting the topics, takes no longer than 15 minutes, and speeds up the learning process that follows. it doesn't matter if you find out you're wrong once you dive in; what's important is you're actively thinking of how these topics coexist, as opposed to mindlessly taking notes or highlighting only to forget what you learned a couple hours later. i'm also a fan of concept maps bc i get to go back and highlight stuff i'm weak in, which is always a plus.

if you like to take notes, use it as another means of active recall. don't just passively take notes as you go along. what i like to do is i read a paragraph, close the book, then try to take down notes based off memory alone. this helps me both phrase the topic in my own words and realize what my learning gaps are, rather than just passively summarize without putting effort into truly understanding/memorizing something. anything i get wrong i hammer into my brain until i can't get it wrong anymore.

take notes effectively. our brain does not learn in sentences and paragraphs. it learns in bullet points, diagrams, and figures--and that's how i like to frame my notes. first i ask myself if i actually need to take notes to begin with, or if there are online notes out there i can use to save time (which, as a stem student, there typically are). if i do decide to take notes, i never mindlessly summarize. i always condense the material into bullet points, diagrams, concept maps, or visual representations. i also like to phrase my notes as questions rather than just passive summaries, so that when i review them i'm already testing myself in a way. most people would not understand my notes bc they're either very low-yield stuff, stuff i'm weak in, or bare-bones fragments of information.

always prioritize weaknesses. if you're weaker at chapter 18 of your textbook vs chapter 1, maybe start with chapter 18. don't spend 6 hours taking notes on chapter 1 if you're already strong in chapter 1. always attack your weaknesses first.

practice practice practice!! so so important. i owe all my As to mock exams, quizzes i make myself, end-of-chapter questions etc etc. imo practice matters a lot more than passive content review.

interleaving concepts helps with retention. an example of this is i like to do biology and chemistry one day, biochemistry and organic chemistry the next day, physics and psychology the day after... i'm not just doing biology all day, every day. another thing i like to do if i'm in a massive rut is i hop between tons of different subjects on the same day, which keeps me from getting bored/helps me understand the subjects better through distinguishing their differences.

retrospective timetable. an example of this is if i find i'm pretty weak in a particular physics topic, the next few days will disproportionately focus on physics over other subjects. inversely, if i just breezed through a biology chapter, the next few days will have less biology than initially planned. i'm constantly going back and revising my study timetable based on my performance of the day, rather than relying on a rigid prospective timetable that doesn't take into account my progress.

less passive learning, more active. spaced repetition is a big one. i love anki for this bc there's an algorithm that dictates how often topics come up again based on how well you answer them. other methods include active recall, having friends quiz you, and trying to teach the topic to others (or the plushie in your bedroom haha). if you find you're struggling to simplify topics and explain them, that's a sign you don't understand them very well yourself.

[countrymusiclover]

27 - War Between Kin

Part 28

The Lion Knight and Dragon Princess

Tags- just send an ask to be added @cdragons @kmc1989 @starkleila @noirrose21-blog @lover-of-books-and-tea

Dragonstone - Six Years Later 

Tyrion was sipping on a glass of wine by the fireplace with a book on the old Valyrian language nestled in his lap silently reading it while he had the time to learn more.  The door a few feet behind the dwarf creaked opened and shut behind him. “Your mothers language is quite fascinating to me.” 

“I’m glad you’re interested in it.  But we will have to talk about that later.  I need to speak with you now about something more important.” 

Shutting the book once he had bookmarked my page he gave her my full attention. “What do you need to speak with me about, your grace?” 

“When I allowed your brother and my sister to leave Dragonstone I assumed that we would hear some sort of information by now.  But there have been no Ravens and our other supporters are nearly here.  I do not want to wait any longer to secure my throne from Cersei.” The dragon queen remarked to her Hand. 

Tyrion knew she had a point but he wasn’t sure what his brother's plan was when they left. “Your grace, it takes a very long time to travel across the world.  Especially across the uncharted seas and lands that haven’t been mapped really by anyone in Westeros.   You shouldn’t be too concerned.” 

“I shouldn’t be concerned that your brother and my sister may have lied to me and are really attempting to find their own army to make their own claim to the Iron Throne.” 

Tyrion bit his tongue trying to not sound worried. “They wouldn’t do that.  Vaella is after all your sister.  Why would she want the throne for herself?” 

“Because she has children who aren’t actual dragons.  She has future heirs who can take my claim from me.” She declares sternly to her advisor. 

The young Lannister ran a hand down his face, beginning to worry about what she would do if what she was saying turned out to be true. “I assure you, your grace.  She has no desire to have the throne.” 

“If that is the case then my sister may have more of a chance of getting more supporters than I have!” She raised her tone towards the dwarf where he pressed his back against the chair not expecting that from her. 

Tyrion gulped remembering who her father was. “My Queen, surely you wouldn’t start a war against your own sister.  The Iron Throne isn’t that important.” 

“I can’t destroy the Cersei Lannisters of the world without it.  I can’t break the wheel without it.  I did not go through years of torture and crossed the seas for nothing just to have my older sister take it from me!” 

“She’s your family.  Perhaps you should take some time to cool off and think about our current situation.” Her Hand of the Queen ran a hand through his messy curls. 

Daenerys eyed her Hand leaving the room quickly. “You are probably right.  I’ll be in my chambers.” 

“Sleep well, your grace.” Tyrion nodded simply hearing the door close behind him where he slid down in his chair, never feeling so terrified in his life and he prayed to the gods that nothing happened to his friend across the Summer Sea. 

Vaella’s pov 

The bells rang from the bell tower of the Red Keep, which was a sign that something was happening at the castle, good or bad, that wasn't revealed until letters were sent out everywhere that a new king would be crowned.  I was standing among the crowd of citizens and Lords of the Realm who would swear their loyalty to the new king. 

“May the warrior grant him courage and protect him in these perilous times.  May the Smitt grant him strength that he might bear this heavy burden.  May the Crone she knows the fate of all men show him the path he must walk and guide him through the Dark places that lie ahead.  In the light of the Seven I proclaim Robert of the House Baratheon first of his name, King of the Andels and the first men, Lord of Seven Kingdoms and Protector of the Realm.” The grand Septon sat the golden tree crown upon a thin Robert’s head declaring to everyone before them. “Long may he reign!” 

“Long may he reign!” Everyone in the room declared with loud voices filling the throne room. 

Robert was escorted out of the room by several Kingsguard but I only cared to find one in particular that I wished to see.  Moving about the crowd I caught sight of his green eyes across the room. “Ser Jaime.” I curtsy to him once he made his way over to me, wishing I could just jump into his arms and he’d smuggle me away to safety. 

“Clarisse,  I trust that you will receive much business today with a new king on the throne.” Jaime whispers his second sentence under his breath with a faint smile. “You still look beautiful even as a commoner.” 

I blushed like a strawberry at his words. “I sure hope so…thank you, Ser Jaime.” Moving my right upward I tugged my ear and he led me through the busy crowd where we had managed to find an empty hallway for a brief moment. 

“How have you been lately?  I doubt I’ll be able to see you for some time until the new king gets settled in.” Jaime questions me, his white cloak moving until we stopped walking. 

Ignoring the question he’d asked me I blurted out my own, more concerned for him. “Will he pardon you for breaking your vows?” 

“Don’t worry about me, Vae.” He raised his right hand to my cheek and I leaned into his palm. 

“I can’t help it,  you're my Lion Knight.” 

He sent me a weak smile wishing he could take me to the Rock and never return to King's Landing. “And you’re my Dragon Princess.” 

“Do you think we’ll ever have what we had or something better than that in this life?” I asked him stepping closer where our chests were pressing against the other. 

The golden lion rested his forehead softly down against mine. “I don’t believe in the gods really but I do believe in us.  As long as you and I are together there’s nothing we can’t face.” Laying my head against his chest we wrapped his arms around one another knowing our time of peace would come. 

One of the Velaryon ladies finished tying the set of strings of my very loose and somewhat revealing summer dress.  The gown had spaghetti straps and was flowing with the wind pushing it around.  I started wearing a belt around my waist to keep Aegon's dagger and my sword by my side. “Shall I go searching for Lord Jaime, your grace?” The Lady in waiting named Mandy asked running a brush gently through my hair. 

“Don’t bother, Mandy. I shall find him on my own. Thank you.” I sent her a smile. 

She curtsied to me leaving the room. “You're welcome, my queen.” 

Making my way down the stone steps the wind blowing rather nicely.  I wasn’t wearing the crown, I only did when we had meetings to discuss certain matters.  Thankfully for six years we'd had no issues and heard no letters from my sister.  Stopping in my tracks a heartfelt smile crossed my lips at the sight before me. “Daddy, how did you lose your hand?” My youngest daughter Rhana who was only the age of eight, asked him while they were sitting on the edge of the cliffs looking out onto the sea. 

Jaime ruffled her silver  hair with his real hand. “The whole story is rather bloody, little lioness.  So let’s just say I helped save a woman from some very bad people.” She had been given his green eyes unlike the older kids. 

“Hi mom!” Luciya waved to me while being on her golden dragon named Shireen while Rhaegar was  riding his gray and blue dragon he called Stormfly. Both now on their tenth nameday.  

I warned my eldest daughter cupping my hands up to the sides of my mouth. “Rhaegar, be careful with your brother up there!” 

“Don’t worry, mom. Watch this.” Rhaegar called back to me with his brother Chandler sitting on his lap.  He lifted his brother up when they were flying close to the edge, and I gasped seeing him throw his brother up in the air causing Chandler to stick his arms out and pretend he was flying. 

Bolting forward I outstretched my arms catching my baby boy in my arms causing me to basically be tackled by his body. “Rhaegar! - Chandler - urgh!” 

“Let’s go again.  Let’s go again.” My six year old son raised his hands into the air cheering once I had sat myself upright a little bit.  He looked like his father in the face, except for the silver white hair. 

Holding his face in my hands I kissed his forehead. “Sweet boy, you can’t just jump off dragonback like that.  Especially when you’re six years old.” 

“Lions aren’t afraid of anything, mommy.” Chandler crossed his arms over his chest 

Slumping my shoulders Jaime and Rhana came over in our direction with Chandler climbing off my lap before my husband extended his hand out helping me to my feet to stand.  “Are you two okay over here?” 

“Yeah.  I am just a little annoyed with Rhaegar.” 

Rhana poked her brother in the arm running away from his sister. “Tag you’re it.” 

“Hey, no fair!” Chandler began chasing her through the short grassy area. 

Jaime and I couldn’t hold back our laughter watching them simply running around and kids just being kids.  He draped his arm around my waist tugging me into his side. “You’re a good Queen and amazing mother, Vaella.” He kissed the side of my head gently. 

“You’ve been a greater husband than I could ever have hoped for.  But I am curious about something.  Would you ever want our people here to address you as their King rather than just Lord Lannister?” 

My husband shifted his green orbs down onto my gaze intertwining my hand with his and bringing it to my lips kissing it. “It doesn’t really concern me personally.  You are my Queen and I’d follow you whether or not I am ever addressed as your King.” 

“We’ll always rule together, you and I.” Leaning up on my toes I kissed him and he kissed me back where we had no idea a war between kin may be starting between me and my own sister without our knowledge. 

[physalian]

Usually I’ll say “you can’t please everyone” in reference to people who would read your book but I have officially made it on the internet ‘cause I got my first two trolls. And even though I know “you can’t please everyone” man oh man did these two not hold back with their words.

So! Suggestions for how to keep shit like this from ruining your day:

If it’s an anonymous message, don’t even read it. What they said in there they wouldn’t say to your face, if they can’t even say it on the internet with their username. To them, you are not a person, you exist solely in the context of whatever crumb of you they happened to see, and extrapolated grandly based on that.

Whoever takes the time to be nasty to strangers while also covering their own ass from the consequences of being nasty to strangers is probably having a worse day than you are, and while that doesn’t excuse their behavior, they should not intimidate you, they need help. Fueling that rage is not that help.

If it’s not anonymous, and they’re nasty while having some semblance of a point, you can argue back and look really ugly doing so, you can delete it, or you can be the bigger person and respond recognizing their dissenting opinion in its validity (if such validity exists). If they then ignore you taking the high ground or keep being mean, you have won. You extended the olive branch and they bat it aside.

Sometimes these people engage solely for attention, and nothing frustrates them more than being the squeaky wheel that gets ignored. You aren't obligated to entertain this nonsense or subject yourself to being the free online intervention therapist.

I try to avoid making incendiary statements because I just cannot be bothered with the attention it garners, but even when I think I’m saying something pretty generally widely accepted (it was in relation to the triggers post and something fandom related), I can’t control or predict who will react or how they will interpret what I’m saying.

But ask yourself, before you say nasty shit to anyone: Is it worth your time putting egg on your face? Go touch grass. Go drink some water. Go take a break from the internet. Take out your misplaced aggression on something meant to take abuse, not a human who didn’t seek you out to scream their opinions at you like you just did.

There are plenty of opinions on Tumblr that I do not agree with. Most of them I don’t even see because I don’t go out of my way to look up content that would inspire such opinions, but when I do, I see the post…and I keep on scrolling or bock that blog/user if I need to. Doesn’t matter what it is, even if I’m itching to tell them I think they’re wrong. The effort that it would take to bring the holder of that opinion first to a mindset where they’d be open to critique (while also opening myself up to critique), and then to that person seeing my side is just never worth it. We all only have so many hours on this planet, and mine are better spent elsewhere.

You can’t please everyone.

[theewokingdead]

The Princess Bride

Pairing: Benny Miller x wife!Reader (1st Person POV; Benergy Universe) Summary: Benny always breaks into random movie references when you least expect it. Word Count: 800+ Rating: No rating but my blog is 18+ Warnings: Includes lines from The Princess Bride Notes: My husband said the Mosquito Montoya line today and it sparked a fic idea. As always, Benergy is a collection of one-shots so this can be read without having read anything else. ***If you enjoy this fic, please tell Tumblr this should be shared with others by reblogging! That's what the algorithm loves (it's how it works here. I don't make the rules!)***

Masterlist Benergy Masterlist

Having grown up in Colorado’s beautiful mountains, Benny loves being outside. So much so that sometimes he lets the outside in. Even in Florida’s sticky summer heat, Benny will leave the back door wide open behind him whenever he goes out onto the patio. I guess he figures there's no point in closing the door when he'll be back sometime between now and three hours from now.

Eyeroll.

He’s come in and out of the house at least a half dozen times in the past five minutes alone. A task as simple as grilling burgers for the four of us is turning into a hundred step process as first he forgets the spatula, then the cheese, and finally a clean plate to put the cooked burgers on. Then he suddenly decides he wants hot dogs as well.

And this man swears he doesn’t have ADHD.

A hot, humid breeze dances over my body as I stand at the sink, cleaning dishes I had let pile up. The AC unit rumbles in the distance, trying to fight off the heat creeping in, but it’s a losing battle. I've given up on reminding Benny to close the door.

Sophie, our youngest, isn't as agreeable. She's sitting at the kitchen island behind me, a coloring book and a box of crayons strewn in front of her. She whines, and when I turn toward her, I can see the tension building in her shoulders as her eyes seem to follow something around the room.

“A mosquito!” she screams. I have no idea how she's a product of Benny when she hates the outdoors, especially insects, so much.

I don’t immediately see whatever she sees, though I'm certain if our backyard wasn't covered with a screen, all of the state's wildlife would've snuck in by now. There could be a gator climbing up the wall for all I know. I’m honestly not surprised that a mosquito snuck through the netting and got into the house, but I really could not care less about playing bug catcher right now.

“It’ll be okay, baby,” I say, turning back to the dish in my hand. “If you don’t bother it, it won’t bother you.”

“But it will bite me,” she whines, squirming in her seat.

“I’ll get it in a minute, sweetheart,” I offer, hoping she’ll just forget about it and move on. “I promise it won’t bite you.”

“I don’t want it to bite me!” Sophie cries, growing more distraught. “No, no, no! Go away, mosquito!”

Exhaling sharply, I drop the dish in my hand into the sink and turn off the water. Following her gaze, I finally see the source of her fear. There, on a wall nowhere near where she is, is a housefly, minding its own business.

Knowing she won't stop whining until it's taken care of, I grab a swatter and kill it, leaving a black mark on the wall to deal with later. Better yet, I’ll make Benny clean it up, since he’s the one who invited all of nature indoors.

“There. Better?” I ask, turning to look at Sophie, hoping she's satisfied and will let me return to my task.

“Yay! You’re my superhero!” Sophie cheers, clapping and smiling giddily.

"Thank you, baby." I offer her a small smile before turning back to the sink

As soon as I return to washing the dishes, Benny walks into the kitchen, a plate full of cooked food in one hand and a dirty spatula in the other.

“Hello. My name is Mosquito Montoya,” he says with the worst Spanish accent, and I can just sense him pointing the spatula at me. “You killed my father. Prepare to die.”

Sophie squeals with laughter, finding anything and everything her father does entertaining. If anything, she’s always encouraging him.

I go still, staring blankly at the wall in front of me. Sometimes I cannot believe the things that come out of his mouth.

“I swear to god I’m leaving,” I say, shutting off the water and reaching for a towel to dry my hands. He’s been in a playful mood all day and I’m just over it – well, not really, but I can’t let him know that. He’s incorrigible. “I am running away and never coming back.”

“You keep saying that,” Benny says. He drops back into the Spanish accent and adds, “I do not think it means what you think it means.”

“Jesus Christ,” I say, tossing the towel onto the counter. I throw my hands in the air, feigning defeat. “I'm done.” I walk out of the kitchen, shaking my head and biting my lip to hide the laughter. He might be annoying as hell at times, but he’s hilarious - I just can’t let him know it.

“True wuv will fowow you foreva,” Benny quotes, following closely behind me.

“Oh my God! Stop!” I exclaim, laughter creeping up in my voice. I pretend to cover my ears.

“So tweasure your wuv!” he exclaims.

“Never!” I shout, but I'm quickly breaking into giggles while trying to escape him.

“Get back, witch!" Benny finally exclaims between laughs. He reaches out and grabs my wrist, spinning me around and pulling me into a kiss before I can protest further. As his lips touch mine, everything else melts away. I surrender to the pleasure, a soft moan escaping my lips as I kiss him back with more intensity.

After a moment, I push him away, and he stares at me in confusion.

“I’m not a witch, I’m your wife,” I say, and his lips immediately twist into a more mischievous smile. He knows that I almost always go along with his nonsense. “And after what you just said, I’m not even sure I want to be that anymore.”

“You never had it so good,” he replies, bringing me in for another kiss.

I can’t argue that.

[witchescollection]

Hello I have a question..

How do you keep up with it all? I'm so proud of you for getting through 10 years! Though it makes me sad to know I always end up tapering out, just getting tired and I struggle to do even small things to where I stop entirely. How do you fix that?

Hi love, 

Thank you so much, that’s so kind! Sorry for the late reply - my tumblr ask box has been broken for the last month or so. 

I had a similar experience to yourself a few years back, and for me it ended up stemming from my idea of witchcraft being rooted in performance. My exhaustion came from sticking to an arbitrary schedule of when things should be done, and how they should be done. I’d keep track of the moon cycle not just because I was interested, but ultimately because I felt shame if I didn’t. 

I felt like if I couldn’t list the magickal correspondences for every herb in my kitchen on command that not just that I would be a bad witch, but that I would not even be a witch at all. Witchcraft ended up becoming simply another tool for me to shame myself over performing inadequately. I felt like everyone in both real world and the digital world would notice if I slipped up, and rat me out as a fraud of a witch.

This is actually why I ended up taking a break from this blog for a few years. Because, it turns out, people don’t generally give a shit if you can name all the crystals you own, and if they do? They’re an arsehole. 

It took me a really long time to understand that the pressure that lead to my burn out was predominantly internal (and then reinforced by a lot of the way we discuss religion and spirituality here online - that we’re competing to be the best in the space because we think there isn’t enough room for all of us at the table). Something that really helped with me was relearning witchcraft from the ground up - mainly through research of books, connecting with real life pagans in my local area (and often older pagans who haven’t even heard of tumblr), and just... deciding what I wanted my practice to be.

For example - I don’t really celebrate the pagan wheel of the year. I’m know of the seasons and equinoxes, and I’ll mentally be aware of them on the days, but I don’t celebrate them! That was too performative for me, and too formal. So I just...  vibe, I guess? 

Similarly, I communicate with Hestia in a very relaxed way. The most formal it gets is Tarot, and even then that’s with a whole heaping of swearing and informality! I’m not the kind of person who enjoys a structured practice. 

Maybe that’s not you - maybe you would benefit from structure! The point isn’t to copy and paste what people online do, but find what works for you. I think that’s something we’ve lost in our digital age. It’s good to take inspiration from others, but what works for everyone else is probably not going to work for you.

The beauty of witchcraft and paganism is that we aren’t all striving for an end goal. There is no sin, and there is no failure. You cannot fail at something you decide the rules for. And you get to decide the rules you follow!

I hope this helps - and always know that it’s okay to take a break (or to realise that witchcraft isn’t your cup of tea). Witchcraft will always be here - there’s no rush to learn everything and get everything right now.

Sage x 

[zeroducks-2]

Freedom of speech but not freedom from consequences. Anti-censorship but we still don’t want to platform bigots 🫤 Coming from a neutral party, I think you could learn a lot from listening to all perspectives to avoid echo chambers. Form your own opinion instead of following a crowd. My opinion? Hate the person, not the ship. Don’t judge a book by it’s cover, but that is what the book cover is made for. I think it’s healthier if you and everyone else stopped trying to be antagonistic? How are you supposed to spread positivity if you’re always on the verge of angry ranting?

Okay I'm going to try and answer for the sake of the people who might read this kind of bs in their inboxes and be affected negatively by it, and maybe even feel like they're being unfair towards the very bullies which spend their energies harassing and insulting (and sometimes also doxxing and suicide bating) us.

Let's break this down.

1. "freedom of speech but not freedom from consequences" I can't even talk about some dark themes in fiction or my own personal history of real life abuse without getting termed here. Erotic art can't be posted almost anywhere at this point, and not just the kind antis dislike. Freedom is a construct on social media because ultimately these spaces are owned by someone, and you'll be kicked out if they don't like you.

2 "we don't want to platform bigots" no, absolutely we don't. Historically, giving a platform to bigots and hatemongers fosters hate, violence and censorship. Also I have no power to platform or deplatform anyone, I'm just a guy on tumblr, so I don't even know what you're on about with this. If I had the power to decide, trust me that I would kick the terfs the fuck out of here anyways. And also the cowards who hide under the anon cover to send hate and threats.

3 "listen to perspectives and avoid echo chambers" I'm over 30 and I've been a kinkster for most of my life. I'm queer. Among other things, history and queer history are in my field of studies. I didn't form my opinion here, I came here with one already. I listened to all the perspectives you might think of also because I was here when the rise of censorship and puritanism happened, and by the way you know who got deplatformed? The kinkster and the artists, surely not the bigots. I don't think I've ever seen an instance of an anti being blocked or termed for harassment, whereas blogs get blocked every day for having NSFW content.

4 "form your own opinion instead of following a crowd" again, do you really think I existed as a blank slate before creating this blog?

5 "my opinion is(...)" You sound like a Christian preacher and it gives me the heebiejeebies.

6 "it's healthier if you stopped trying to be antagonistic" sweetheart, we are being bullied every day. If you're someone who creates erotic art of any kind you're subjected to a ton of harassment, and if you create something which could be considered problematic, you get death threats. Suibating. Insults lathered with misogyny, transphobia, queerphobia, you get treated like a freak of nature and threatened to have your livelihood taken away. Or threats of doxxing and of deplatforming. And you might very well get your blog shut down. I'm going to stop being antagonistic when I'll stop being antagonized, and if you think that said bullying is justified and I should just suck it up - and I say this in the most antagonistic way possible - fuck off. Not one single ship or one single fictional character is worth the harassment of another human being.

7 "how are you supposed to spread positivity of you're always on the verge of angry ranting" What makes you think I want to spread postivity? No like, honestly. What makes you think that my purpose with this blog is that. I'm here to talk about my blorbos, and if this makes someone happy then good for them. If the fact that I'm opinionated and passionate about things bothers you, no one is forcing you to stay.

Your whole thing is a mix of victim blaming and fake neutrality which is not welcome on my blog. Please block me and go on with your life, I'm not interested in your empty platitudes.

To anyone else who's reading this, don't ever feel guilty for defending yourself and for fighting back against oppressive measures. There is never a good reason for harassment, and if you were subjected to it, it's in your right to be angry. No matter what p r o b l e m a t i c ship you posted about.

[arcofacatboy]

is it weird to say i feel like i'm mourning arc of a scythe? like it'd be one thing if the book was actually just not that great n whatnot like harry potter but. the book is actually good. i almost wonder if neil tripped and fell into writing a book with good commentary when he seems to be so incapable of understanding those same things

its not that its nessecarily that its just good, perse, but it made me want to read again. i felt like this series was meant for me, and it permanently affected my taste in books

sorry if it seems like im venting in your askbox its just. im kinda just wondering if my feelings are just felt by me or if others understand

No it’s okay - I’m gonna break some of this down with my own thoughts where I can.

First of all, I can’t really say how you should label your feelings about Neal and his books. I’ve personally tried to avoid using words like mourning or grieving due to the context of why I’m retracting support from Neal in the first place. People, children, are being ruthlessly murdered every day. Me being upset that my (now former) favorite author is completely apathetic towards the victims of genocide will never compare to the grief, pain, and trauma that the people of Gaza and Palestine have been made to face for months now. That doesn’t mean you can’t label your feelings that way! That’s just something I try to keep in mind when talking about Neal myself.

The reason I shifted the focus of this blog, while keeping its original branding, is because I want to at least try to help in a way Neal is refusing to - making his fans aware of the absolutely inhumane treatment of Palestinians at the hands of the Israeli government. Like Neal, I’m by no means an expert on… anything going on right now. I try my absolute best to spread accurate information, but that doesn’t make me a professional or expert. I’m not Israeli, and I’m not Palestinian. I’m a white person living in the relative safety of the USA, who isn’t going to be the target of antisemitism or Islamophobia. I should not be anybody’s primary source of information. But, unlike Neal, I feel like I’m at least doing something, and I want to keep trying to do as much as I can. I’m not trying to one-up Neal here, this isn’t a competition - but I’m saying that all the excuses he’s used for saying nothing could easily be applied to me, and many of the people who have spoken out against him. And yet, here we are.

I haven’t reread Arc Of A Scythe with knowing the additional context that Neal is okay with being completely silent on a genocide, but I have been rereading Dry while keeping that in mind, and, yeah. Neal makes a lot of parallels to real-world crises in that book, and how governments, people in power, and regular people treat them - with where I am in the book right now, everyone not affected by the Tap-Out seems to be completely apathetic and not concerned, because the Tap-Out hasn’t made their life any worse… so it can just be swept under the rug while the people of Southern California lose access to potable water. Literally most of my notes are pointing out how hypocritical Neal is being with his commentary - he’s doing things right now that he portrays as bad things to do in the book. The most egregious example so far is linked here.

So, I can’t say why Neal has taken the stance that he has right now. There’s no point in speculating if he was always this performative in his activism, or if he’s fallen into the Israeli propaganda trap, because it ultimately doesn’t matter. He’s being ignorant and harmful, and he deserves to be condemned for that either way.

You’re not alone in how you feel, I think - a lot of former/current AOAS fans have been really thrown for a loop by Neal’s shit. We have to move forward from here, but no one person can tell you how to do that. (Also, none of this was me trying to be rude or disrespectful, so I’m sorry if it came off that way. One adjustment I’ve had to make for this blog is not talking like a YouTube shitpost, so my tone probably seems a little different from posts I made pre-“Neal being a colonialist sympathizer”.)

P.S about the Harry Potter thing: I’m not sure what you mean by “not that great”, but I agree with you there. There’s so much “not that great” stuff in Harry Potter that the average person doesn’t even know about - the entire franchise is rooted in these really weird ideas about race, class, and a million other things, so it’s bad beyond “oh the goblins are antisemitic caricatures and the author is a terf”. Those things are still extremely bad, don’t get me wrong. But if you want to know more about how bigotry permeates into every part of the franchise - not just the movies, books, and Hogwarts Legacy! - I recommend this video essay by Lily Simpson. It’s ten hours long, but definitely worth a watch. (Yes I did watch the entire thing over like, a week this summer.)

[ae-neon]

Acotar is Maas before she fall in love with Rhys. She created rhys, explore.more and let herself grew detach of Feyre. I can feel her love and wanting Feyre to grow into something else. Her resentment to Fae is very interesting too since maas made her trapped with a fae. An interesting dynamic.

Then she grew attach to rhys. I sense of this because of her pattern with Rowan and Aelin. I read somewhere that originally , it was not Rowaelin endgame. Rowan as just suppose to train aelin and that was that. Then Maas say that she wrote fanfic of Aelin x Rowan turns out well..

I would say Rowan x Aelin is a susccess. Yeah this man is hell to Aelin the beginning. But buttttt Maas dont water down Aelin to have her propaganda "rowan is perfect, rowan is most powerful fae" pushing to the reader you know. Aelin is still stubborn, she keep her plan to herself and refuse to share it with rowan.

It drove rowan mad if I remember them correctly. At least, we can see Aelin taking time and do according to her desire. Not blindly agree with Rowan. Then we have aedion in their family dynamic. Then rowan wanting to have allies, goes to each Whietorn ship and begged them to support Aelin. He said it jn the book, he wanted to support his queen and make her.proud.

And then the famous "where is my wife" scene. Wecan see them both as individual character. Very different character. Aelin is an ass a lot of time, selfish and a pick me. I know, but her character does not change simply for rowan. Water down for rowan. It took another whole book to shift their dynamic from stranger to friends to partner to lover. It feel long and develope to me. Then the scene Aelin share her favourite place in Adarlan, showing Rowan how to play the piano. It was small but sweet moment.

Rowan, slowly taking his time to calm Aelin after the mask and torture by maeve. Offering ring, telling aelin to eat and take break from training. It so diferent you know with Rhys and Feyre.

Feyre from headstrong, stubborn and independent water down to suit Rhys. I feel like she is over sexualized at one point and it feels each of their interactions is solely for sex. Even the reading moment "you look delicious today, feyre." Fuck off rhys. Can you chill and not make everything about sex? Let this girl breathe, read properly and learn about the world will you.

The only moment I like both of them have is when bring Feyre observing map sort of? Even that interaction is cut off. I want more interaction of Rhys sharing with Feyre whathe know. He seem to have this potential 'tutor' vibe. He is old, surely he learn a lot. But all we got is their interaction in the lbrary and attempt of having sex.

Then Maas keep worshipping Rhys and feyre lose all her personality for Rhys to check all he need to be the most powerful male in history. Tf, your wing get hurt ashes and you already dying.

I am not saying rowaelij is 100% but they have something rhys and feyre dont. Independent of their life from being water down by each other. They can stand on their own character because we all know, what is Aelin if not for her stubbornness and being pain in the ass? You just need to say blond, stubborn, confident and an edgy teenager. Everyone knows it is Aelin.

Something feyre already lose back in book 2 for rhys. I no longer recognize this feyre.

Hello anon

I think sjm is really attached to Aelin as a self insert. It's understandable since she developed the character from a young age.

But I don't see why she also has to self insert into Feyre? It's obvious she doesn't care about her.

So why SJM didn't just choose a different sister to carry on the second book. Anyone who knows my blog will know why I think it should have been Nesta but acomaf is supposed to be Hades and Persephone right? So why not Elain?

Acomaf Elain is exactly who post acowar Feyre turns into to suit the position of High Lady.

In acotar, it's possible to think of Feyre outside of her relationship to Tamlin. If you were making a moodboard or aesthetic edit you could include archery and painting, the forest and a wolf etc and all of that would be about Feyre.

If you try to do the same thing for Feyre from acomaf onwards, what comes to mind? It's hard to picture who she is outside of Rhysand's influence because it doesn't exist.

In acotar Feyre's love story is with Tamlin but also as an individual she is developing her relationship with the world around her. Lucien, Alis and, even Prythian itself, is something Feyre must work to understand on her own. As a result she is a different person by the time she goes home. She has matured. She sees that she was wrong about Nesta and she is able to let go of the promise she made to her mother.

In maf and war her relationships with others is dictated by their relationship with Rhysand. She meets people and is almost instantly friends or enemies based on if they are Rhysand's friends or enemies.

Feyre only knows 3 Illyrians: her mate and her friends who are 'brothers' but she hates Illyrians, why? Because Rhys does.

Feyre instantly connects with Tarquin on a really good vibe but still betrays him and almost dies stealing something important to his court. Why? Because Rhysand says so. Feyre could have told Rhys to give her a few more days to earn Tarquin's trust and then asked him to let Amren stay in summer and decipher it so they could nullify the Cauldron and save lives in the war. Tarquin wouldn't have said no. But she can't even think for herself.

At the end of tog, more than half the people who fight in the battle are there for Aelin. Her connection to them has made their appearance special. Aelin also shares the books with other pov characters.

In acotar, during the war, after 3 books of only Feyre as the main character - who shows up to the battle for her? No one.

Her sisters aren't there because they choose to be and Feyre's father doesn't even have a name. Maybe the Suriel is there for Feyre but they immediately die after only 2 or 3 interactions the whole series.

Bryaxis? Doesn't become Feyre's monster pet afterwards. Stryga and the Bone Carver? Useless and dead. And it's not like Feyre has been building friendships with these people.

Friends, enemies, allies - they show up for Rhysand. Even the king of Hybern mostly speaks to him. He is the main character.

Even in the end, I think the only person who helps revive Rhysand just so Feyre is happy, is Tamlin.

[poindexters-labratory]

I'm going to scream into the void right now. I don't expect much response in return, I'm more or less using my blog as a medium to explain my emotions to myself. What I'm thinking and what I'm feeling after having a difficult past few days.

For context: My partner of four and half years and I have separated on good terms, fair terms, and I'm not really sure what to do. Toward the end of this relationship, I had found myself predicting every possible situation and where every outburst might potentially occur. They were an explosive person, but not in a malicious way, more so in a way that they didn't know how to control. We decided it would be best if they left to learn how to control it.

At the moment, we're taking a weeklong break of no contact, maybe longer, but that's what they've told me before we start conversating again and start on the road to becoming friends. I'm, again, putting this on the blog because I don't have any specific person I can confide in about how I'm thinking and feeling about this large change in my life. They were everything to me, legitimately the only person I had to go to for things like that.

When you know someone for that amount of time, when you're as young as I am, knowing someone for four and a half years takes up a lot of time in the mind. From the point right before I started my freshman year of high school, to eventually now, where I'm almost a year out of school. And when you talk to the same person pretty much every day, there's this thing that happens, especially to folks like me that have brains wired in strange ways, to where everything all the time at every point of everyday centers around them. A dependence. An addiction.

I was hurting, I am consciously aware of my situation and I am consciously happy to get out of what I know is a bad situation, but my soul aches for just one more conversation, one more word, one more stupid meme that will give me that hit of dopamine that reassures me, "There's someone who cares about you."

It's very strange to be so attached to a person, like you have no idea what to do when they're suddenly ripped from you. I'm depending on them to make me feel worthy of everything that I have ever done or have ever thought of doing. And now that security is gone, and now I have to be brave enough to confide in someone else, learning along the way that I cannot depend on a single outside piece of reassurance constantly.

Somehow, with a mind that has been constructed only to be able to love myself whenever outside sources tell me that I should because of the things that I can do. How talented I am, how smart I am, how wise and thoughtful I am. Somehow, that mind has to find that outside source from within and at the moment, that sounds downright near impossible.

My mind has also been made to solve problems. I'm not very book smart, but I figure myself to be emotionally intelligent enough to try to help and encourage other people, and more recently, that includes myself. I've been trying to keep up with taking care of myself physically and emotionally. But there are going to be moments where I fall and feel like in that moment, I can't get back up without help. And it's good to need people, but I need my circle to be more than just one dependent who does all the work.

Loneliness is difficult. I've faced loneliness for most of my life. People don't want to be your friend on the playground when you're odd and prefer your own company. Even in the company that I did find when I was young, they eventually went away. I've moved over nine times in the span of 18 years and it's not a fun experience having to uproot the life you made every couple of years to leave and start a new one. That means leaving people behind.

But recently with the power of technology, I had been able to keep up with my partner. I was fourteen when I got my first legitimate smart phone, and they were the only person I would talk to on it. Putting that small timeline of four years into perspective that we got together right after I received my first hand-me-down phone and now I'm on Tumblr posting Five Nights at Freddy's fanart and buying MatPat's last merch run is absolutely bonkers to think about.

That's only a small percentage of my life and I'm sitting here in agony and emotional belief this is the end of the world. Absolutely it isn't, but it's still pain that's here in the present and I have to acknowledge the present day and my emotions or else it means so much disrespect to my future and past. I didn't come this far into my life to essentially burn down all that progress, and I don't think my future is going to be so happy if I give up on it.

I have to remember, and I'll deliberately have it here to reread if I ever need it, that I'm capable. I'm capable of making change, of changing, of striving to be the best version of myself that I can comfortably be, of doing things on my own, and I'm capable of asking for help whenever I feel I need it. I need to listen to my body, my mind, and my soul so much more intently than I have before so that I don't end up in a pit of despair and disappointment. It's not good for me and it doesn't make me a pleasant person to be around.

I need to trust that the people that I love, love me. I need to remember that there are connections waiting to be explored, discovered, and cherished just as much as I cherished this person. I still do cherish and love them very deeply, I never won't. I believe people are capable of changing if they're willing to put in the work and effort, and they are a very hardworking person. But so am I.

I'm not afraid of the hurt or the aching. It's evidence of love with nowhere to go and I will cherish those feelings and I will be saving them, experiencing them. I'm more afraid of what I am going to do now. I guess the next step will be continuing to work on and toward what I'm passionate about.

I am not angry, I am not spiteful or vengeful. I simply will be forever grateful for the times and moments we shared, and the new moments we will have. Even if it is for short specks of time.

This has been a moment of peering into Poindexter's mind.

(pic of my cat for good vibes)

[meteor-crew-after-dark]

I think anyone having hard feelings over their ask not getting chosen are missing the point, kinda. as an artist, you choose what you want to respond to. at the end of the day you choose to draw based off of what inspires you and what you Want To Do. and you, graciously to those who desperately want their ask to be validated through your effort, have given filters or qualifications on how those asks should be given. at the end of the day its a free fan-comic book that someone is taking hours of her time to not only draw and post but to filter other asks, draft, and moderate. Just for this one blog. It’d be an understandable desire to make public requests about the type of asks if it could save her some headache. I think anyone hard-pressed that their ask got deleted or your request to read the backlogs…. like… what do u expect… its all for funzies and thems the breaks……… Its always totally respectable to stick by your own opinions but also like dont get surprised when things dont go the way you want them to? For this One Specific FREE Askblog, really?

sry for the rant this has been on my mind fr

I’m really just out here like usagi for real