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xtrablak674 · 2 months

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I Wanted So Much More

It would be a total fallacy for me to say that I have it all figured out I do not. But let's be more specific, I am talking about the transition of a young person to being a young adult. Not being the parent, I thought it would be easier, for this one child, I was the favored advisor, well at least on paper. I was rarely advised and only in extreme situations. But now he has a daughter and it seems I and our relationship was forsaken.

MJ is my brother's first-born child who I first met when he was about five years old, he's twenty-seven now and has a five year old daughter I have yet to meet. Check the math, I have known him twenty-two years, in fact out of all the children he is the one I have known best. Primarily because his moms was a huge fan of Uncle Trevor, she thought my influence could potentially avert the other distractions in his life, and trust I did my best. She went as far as saying most inappropriately so, that she had wished I had fathered him.

Out of all of the children he is the one who has had week-long visits with me where I exposed him to all kind of adventures, new experiences and cultural enrichment. The sad thing is, this would have never had happened if it was left to my sibling who was lukewarm about me at best being suspended in his childhood rage about how he was owed something he never got.

Tonya made sure at any and every opportunity her son was sent down to Brooklyn to spend some time with Uncle Trevor. She even later sent her other child who isn't a direct blood-connection to me, but I acknowledge as my nibling because if we share a relation to someone we are family, as far as I am concerned. Unlike the other aunts and uncles I made sure these trips were well documented sometimes sending daily deluges of photos to the parents, so they could see their kids were being fed and well-cared for.

In MJ's own words as a young adult, no one can tell him anything about his Uncle Trevor, he understands that the dynamic between his father and I is very complex. Albeit I have repeatedly tried to get him to understand, I hold no animosity towards his dad. His dad seems to think at eleven years old after I found our mom dead, I was supposed to somehow take care of an eight year old and an six year old on my own. #YeahIKnowRight

His father also feels I had opportunities he never had, and is resentful towards me for this. The latter I don't deny, but I had no more choice of whom raised me than he did. I am not at any fault for being well-cultured educated and upper middle-class, yet there was non-verbal animosity directed towards me during my monthly seventy-two mile journey with about three hours of travel both ways to visit with his kids in the small town outside of the city in which he resided with the mother of his other three kids. I explained to my nephew I couldn't continue to expose myself to such negative energy when I had done abso-smurfly nothing wrong. I had to put my mental health first.

My nephew adores his dad and his Uncle Trevor and tries to be neutral not choosing a side, which is fair. But deep-down I think he should side with me because I did nothing wrong other than putting my self-care first. I am trying to model for him a healthy way to deal with toxic situations, you remove yourself from them, you don't try to self-medicate the problem away, because at the end of the day the problem will still be there. #BlackHandClap

The thing that is most difficult to me is I am not sure if I like the young man he has grown into, I for sure don't approve of the way he became a father, his self-medicating which totally mirrors his dads way of coping also doesn't sit well with me. I am also concerned about the people he is surrounding himself with, none of them seem like go-getters or people who are upwardly mobile. I acknowledge that a huge part of this is my own preconceived notions of what success is and the fact that I love to project my expectations of greatness onto those around me. I have a tendency to fall in love with folks potential, not whom they actually are, but I also know the all to familiar history of young Black people getting stuck in low-paying hourly jobs and not ever even having the hopes of considering a career.

I saw him as a child with so much potential, I have to acknowledge and come to a resolution that he had so many poor examples of adulthood around him. His moms mental health issues and tendency towards gross exaggeration to the point of out-right falsehoods, the physical and psychological abuse from his step-dad, the criminal associations of his father and his very poor examples of how to deal with stress and navigate difficult situations left him with no one to really look to. I was in the mix as a beacon, but with such limited face-time my exposure and work to introduce him to Black people 'doin' things couldn't overcome the people he saw every single day.

I won't say that I failed him, but what stage does it set for the other kids I barely saw and some still to this day haven't even met? I may be overcompensating for the fact that I don't have any children of my own, but with four siblings and an average of twenty kids from them, and another twenty kids from my god siblings and others the fact that these 'kids' are now having children, I never thought I would want for children in my life. But the reality is very far from fantasy.

Maybe I have put too much on my relationship with this one nephew and I am using him as a litmus paper to the success or the lack thereof of my relationships with the other children. I think its hard when you meet them so young and you can see how bright their lights are, and to see them get dimmer and dimmer and they're only just starting their lives is a lot to resolve.

It may not be about me and MJ necessarily but unlike my own aunts and uncles who have barely earned the honorific, I wanted to be different. I not only wanted to be a sterling example to these kids, I wanted to have relationships with ALL OF THEM, or at least make an attempt to. I also admit I may be possibly over-correcting for the neglectful siblings of my mom and the birth defect of my father's sole brother.

At the end of the day I have done the best I could do, I have tried to make sure my interactions with all of the children has been positive and also well-documented. When allowed I did my best to stay in touch and visit with them, but with so many things working against me, I guess there is still disappointment in the relationships I wanted to have and the ones that really are.

[Photos by Brown Estate]

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beelzebuddy-catan · 1 year

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I firmly believe that Satan and MC would be a dual income no kids couple. They'd be an amazing aunt and uncle to their nieces, nephews, and niblings. The famous couple that everyone knows and the kids idolize. They travel around the three realms (well two in Satan's case) and work as ambassadors to strengthen relationships. They spoil their niblings with gifts and stories from the three realms.

But that got me thinking about Satan as an uncle, and how amazing he'd be.

Yes, he's still the avatar of wrath and strikes fear in demons hearts.

Yes, one look at him and kids are usually terrified.

Yes, he has a habit of saying too many swear words.

But he absolutely adores his niblings. He'd destroy the three realms for them. And he loves them the way the brothers need to be loved.

Lucifer's daughter - he shows her she's not alone. That she never has to shoulder any burden by herself.

He was prepared to hate Lucifer's daughter. Any offspring of Lucifer's had to be awful. No MC, that is not an invitation to discuss his internalized problems.

Then he met her and she giggled at him. This small creature giggled at him. Beings of all ages, from all places, shrunk in fear of him. But this baby giggled at him. The only other beings who hadn't immediately cowered from him were cats and MC. Just like that, she thawed a part of his heart.

Her first words were definitely some variation of "tan-tan" and the vein in Lucifer's forehead almost popped.

She spends as much time with Satan as she can. To the point she starts acting like Satan. She got in trouble at school after yelling "well bless you" at the teacher. Obviously she learned it from Satan.

Lucifer's so proud of her. Why wouldn't he be? She's so much like Satan and he's proud of Satan. Not that he'd be able to tell him. That pride gets in the way and makes it hard for him to tell his daughter how proud he is. How much he loves her. How he's sorry when they fight.

But Satan is there. He reminds her of those things. He's not defending Lucifer, don't be stupid, he's just telling her all the things he needed to hear from Lucifer growing up.When she's older and runs away from home at some point after a fight, she ends up at Satan's door. Because when she had no where left to go, she always has him.

Because she always has a place in Satan's heart. He'll swear and yell, but it never scares her and he can never really say no to her.

Mammon's three kids - he shows them they're worth it. That they aren't a nuisance. They're someone he loves and wants in his life.

Mammon's kids gave him a headache. They were loud, troublemakers, always scheming, and he couldn't help give in to them.

They love shiny, exotic, rare things, so Satan brings them gifts from his travels. They're spoiled by him. But when he sees the way their eyes light up at some trinket from the human world, he's reminded how he's more than wrath, that he feels more than that. He's such a softie.

Mammon's taught them a lot actually (mostly related to money schemes). But he never taught the why. So Satan teaches them.

He taught them how to read someone's body language. He does love detective work. He definitely taught them Mammon’s tell. He taught them how to play their opponent not the game. He teaches them the math and physics behind billiards. Now they can hustle people like their dad, but back it up with intelligence.

Mammon has terrible money management. So Satan teaches them that too. He gets them bank accounts Mammon doesn’t know about and shows them how to balance check books. He teaches them the value of money, not just how to scam it from people, but to earn it. To be proud they earned it.

He may or may not but definitely did set up savings accounts for them for when the get older. Just in case.

And when shit hits the fan and they get them selves in too deep, their uncle Satan is there to save them.

Levi's son and daughter - he shows them they aren't trivial. That they are loved not in spite of their interests and quirks, but because of them.

Satan thought they'd be shut in's, like their dad. He thought it'd be hard to get to know them. But it wasn’t and they trust him.

They write him letters and video call him when he's travelling. He always writes back and he always saves the letters. He has a locked box where all of the letter's, drawings, writings, etc. they've given him are kept.

He has them sign every thing they create. They're practically glowing from happiness. He even has some of their art framed in the house next to his fancy expensive pieces. Occasionally, someone will ask about it and the kids overhear. And though Satan can’t see them, he knows they're there. He answers honestly, "I like beautiful things, why wouldn't I hang that up?". Maybe he says it a little bit louder than necessary, but it is true.

He learns about all their favorite things. New tv show? watched. New book or comic? Read. New music? Heard. He keeps notes of all their interests so he can make recommendations. They're always the best.

There are times when Levi is too anxious or scared to go to events. When their mom has to work or isn't able to go. Satan drops everything to be there. He knows how important it is to them. He knows Levi would go if he could, but it can be too much for him.

He dresses up with them. He doesn't care what it is. They want to be the villain? Fuck it, everyone welcome princess Satan.

He also takes them on adventures to new places. They love travelling with Satan because not only does he know so much, he lets them explore and be themselves.

He supports their interests without shaming them. He also encourages them to be okay with it. If they're shy, Satan tries to break them out of their shell. He doesn't push them or make them uncomfortable.

He's seen what that fear has done to Levi, he won't let it happen to them.

Asmo's sons - he shows them their worth isn't their looks. That they're complex beings who's beauty isn't only surface level.

He was prepared for the two to be mini Asmos. And they were, in some ways. They cared about appearances. They're charming little fuckers, getting out of trouble easily. You know when kids imitate someone flirting and grown adults/elderly women eat it up? That's them. Except it doesn't work on Satan. He grew up around Asmo, nice try.

Instead he teaches them how to win people over without looks. Like he did. So he says He teaches them to make connections. To be wise. To use their beauty as a power up or add on, not the main tool or skill.

Asmo is their father and you know their mother is equally okay a little less, but don't tell anyone as stunning. So they can be insecure. Satan reminds them of their worth.

And maybe true beauty comes from within sounds like bullshit. But he ingrains that shit in them from birth. Anyone can be pretty. Anyone can look good. The things that are imperfect, that have flaws, that have blemishes are the things people adore. Without those things, everyone would look the same.

He lets them know he sees and loves who they are, and that makes them feel beautiful. So they don't care much if other people don't agree.

Except they still do have bullies. Satan will show up if he hears anything about them being bullied. He's the avatar of wrath and he scares the living shit out of the bullies. "Say one more word and I'll make it so you never say another one." Poor kid didn't speak for a month.

Asmo had to pick up one of the kids after being bullied for wearing a dress. Satan's already booking a ticket to get home and buying a dress online. He'll fuck that kid's shit up. MC calm him down, for the love of everything holy and unholy, he might actually destroy the devildom this time.

Sometimes their parents are busy with shoots or other gigs and Satan watches them.

He hosts tea parties with them. They take that shit seriously. Barbatos is invited, but no one else. Okay sometimes MC, but that's it. And Luke if he brings snacks. But that's seriously it.

He lets them be kids. Asmo often has them acting prim and proper because that gives them the best image. They have select clothes they can wear. They have certain styles of hair they can have. But Satan let's them wear ugly clothes. The fluffy boas and cheap tiaras. He lets them run around without shoes and doesn't care if they spill things in their clothes.

They’re kids, he lets them be that way. He encourages it because sometimes Asmo forgets that not all kids love being dressed to the 9s and done up all the time. They feel supported and loved to be themselves. Not a picture of who they should be.

Beel's daughters - he shows them that they're more than a single moment or action or mistake. He shows that they can learn and grow. He teaches them how to forgive themselves when it's easier to blame themselves.

Satan didn’t connect immediately with Beel's daughters.

They had everything they needed: a dad that was there no matter what. Someone who wasn't afraid to tell them he was proud or that he loved them. Someone that made them feel valued and worthy. Someone that could protect them. And as they got older they could definitely protect themselves.

They had everything Satan wanted and needed growing up. What did they need him for?

Then he saw one of them talking to Beel after a game. She was devastated. She'd missed the goal and the team lost. And she kept blaming herself.

Beel didn't know how to comfort her. After all Beel never really learned to deal with his own guilt. He still blamed himself for a lot of things. So Satan takes her out for ice cream after and starts assistant coaching her team. He knows the game and the best strategies, why wouldn't he?

More importantly, he starts teaching his daughters that their mistakes, losses, the whole lot, they aren't them.

He knows better than anyone what it feels like to internalize something, to hate the very core of who you were or what you thought was who you were. Because sometimes one bad thing about you can feel like the only thing about you.

He knows what it's like to fight against of that feeling. He's there to remind them how to grow from that, to become better, to let it drive them, not ruin them.

Sure he yells sometimes, and swears, and gets too invested in the game, but they think it's funny. The whole team does. He makes them better because he makes them believe they can become better. Gradually the internal voice that defends these young demons against their own negative self talk sounds a lot like the the avatar of wrath.

Even when they get older and he stops coaching, he goes to every single game. He argues with the refs (and has definitely gotten in fights) but everyone is too afraid to ban him. He also brings snacks to every game. Both for the girls (and Beel of course)

Belphie's son - he shows him that the ones we love never truly leave us. That when he feels alone and scared, there's always someone watching out for him. That sometimes the monsters in the closet are our skeletons. And sometimes the skeletons in the closet are just bad dreams we can't quite shake.

The first time this kid fell asleep on Satan arm he let out an exasperated sigh and a mumbled "are you fucking kidding me?"

He complained but he doesn't actually mind. It's nice knowing there are beings out there that don't fear him. Plus the kid acts just like a cat. And Satan will sit reading for hours without moving so he's the perfect person to sleep against. Win win.

He gets really bad nightmares. Nightmares where he can't bring himself to go back to sleep. But once Belphie's asleep is so hard to wake him up and his mom works nights. So he's spent a few nights crying in his bed, too afraid to go to sleep and too afraid of what lurks in the shadows.

Satan was staying there once when he woke up to sniffling. He's never really been a deep sleeper, if he sleeps and if he's not next to MC. It took a bit of prying but eventually he opened up.

Satan had to stop himself from rolling his eyes when the kid asked him to check the closet and under the bed. But Satan did. When that's not enough for him to go back to sleep, Satan tries telling him stories that are mostly true.

"You know when your dad and uncles first came here, they were afraid of me. Do you think there could be anything in that closet that scares me?" "I used to have to check the closets for your uncle Mammon, don't tell him though. It’ll be our secret"

You know those friendship lights where you can tap the light and it changes the color of the other person's? Yeah Satan got those. Like I said, he's a light sleeper, so even if he isn't up, the change of light wakes him up. Satan always calls his nephew when he sees it change. He reads him bed time stories until he falls asleep. He started taking voice lessons so he could make it more fun.

And eventually Belphie’s son stops fearing the monster's in the closet. He stops having so many nightmares.

But he always has the light plugged in. He always knows that Satan is there for him. Even if he can't see him or talk to them, Satan's with him in spirit.

Because the people we love and the ones that love us always stay with us in the ways we need.

Anyways, I'm soft for Satan, avatar of wrath, feared demon through the devildom, being a supportive and loving uncle. Here's some photos that are Uncle Satan energy:

#sorry for the long post #but I love him #satan obey me #he'd make the best uncle #obey me #obey me lucifer #obey me mammon #obey me leviathan #obey me asmo #obey me beel #obey me belphie #obey me satan #obey me headcanons #my headcanons #obey me mc

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