#bad at school and struggled bc of adhd and like executive dysfunction

[thelittlestspider]

it's so hard to get into the academic mindset when you're not in school anymore. i keep looking up textbooks and other things and forgetting about them asfghkj.

[paris-geller-was-straightwashed]

'that adhd feel of-' 'adhd is not being able to' 'adhd is when you forget-' you're describing executive dysfunction. that's...it's executive dysfunction. like I NEED you to understand this.

I don't think this is purposefully malicious but jesus fucking christ it's no wonder the ~neurodiverse~ community on here can feel super alienating. I'd fucking eat own shoe if any so-called 'neurospicy' (derogatory) blogs can name EVEN ONE other condition then either adhd or autism as part of neurodiversity. ppl think it starts and ends there - and what I find the most infuriating, is that one of the most common symptoms when it comes to diverse brains (aka executive dysfunction) is talked about like it's SOLELY for adhd.

look. I got dyspraxia and ocd - two things considered a part of the neurodiverse umbrella. I also have learning disabilities that have affected my whole school life, and memory issues that I've been explaining to people as to why I've already forgotten their name since I was a kid. YET, ocd is rarely talked about in neurodiverse circles or even considered, and I'll literally pay two bucks to anyone reading this who can tell me what dyspraxia is (who isn't a professional or someone who has it, and if you do have dyspraxia, then I am giving you a cookie and fist bump). yet often, when I see posts passed around talking about issues like poor motivation or time blindness or bad memory, I find a lot to relate to - bc executive dysfunction, in case anyone missed it, affects many, many conditions! you don't even have to be neurodiverse; it's known to affect those with anxiety and depression too! there's so much layover - yet, I will see, inevitably, the post attributed to adhd or possibly asd. frankly, it's both alienating to those with other neurodiverse conditions, and possibly misleading, even if unintentional, to say it's an 'adhd thing.' you guys run the market and it's over-saturated; I'm just asking for adhd/asd to share a piece of it's throne.

to be honest, as what's considered a 'neurodiverse person', I barely find any commonality within the community. yes, as mentioned above, I will relate to common shared symptoms like executive dysfunction, but it's a complete shut-out when we act like those symptoms are only attributed to one condition. frankly with my ocd, I find way more commonality in schizophrenia/paranoia/psychosis communities then in the ND one (I would never act or say I know what it's like to experience those conditions, but I can relate to the fear of some outside force telling you something horrible is going to/will happen), and with dyspraxia, even when we talk about it, it gets so little coverage and recognition it leaves the whole community a bit dry. if anyone gives a shit, then maybe shine the light on us and others kicked to the sides (ppl with learning disabilities, dysgraphia, language disorders, and those with schizophrenia/affective disorders like I mentioned earlier, who are so often vilified by ppl online and on this site). we all struggle with executive dysfunction and a million other layover symptoms, and the nerotypical world is just as hard for us to navigate even if no one is bothering to listen.

I'm rambling at this point. everyone just..do better and actually recognize the 'diversity' in 'neurodiverse.'

[autismvampyre]

ok so audhd rant/asking for advice

we had a psychologicist come to the class to explain autism and adhd today. the reason why is bc i have faced a lot of discrimination, ableism and bullying from my peers bc of my disorders. my teachers felt we should all learn what the words mean and why they should never be used as insults, and how that can affect someone, which is a nice sentiment.

the person they picked was recommended by my mother, which should've been my first warning sign, bc try as she might my mother does not understand the autistic community. she trusts the professionals which is good bc im not a doctor and they're qualified, i get it; but also i dont fucking trust professionals to understand me because not once did my doctors help me understand when i was diagnosed. i asked to meet her before she came to the school, but my mom insisted she was great so i held back and tried to be hopeful, because even if a lot of my experience with professionals has been negative doesn't mean they're all bad and ignorant

anyways, she was exactly like every other psychologist ever and explained everything in the most basic way ive even seen. she literally sounded like the people who explained my diagnoses to me when i got them at age 11 and those mf's were literally useless. it took me years to actually understand what my disorder meant and i only figured it out by talking to other people with autism and adhd instead of reading shit by professionals and autism moms. the way we are portrayed by psychiatrists is not my experience at all and they often use outdated language and speak in very broad terms and don't bring up any of the things that i find important. i know not everyone with adhd and autism is the same but i genuinely cannot relate to the way they talk about us at all. like, this psychiatrist didn't even mention executive dysfunction and kept talking about how it "isn't an excuse" and fucking everyone agreed.

i feel like almost an anti-vaxxer, claiming i know better than doctors, so i genuinely do try to understand and accept doctors but i just cant fucking stand it. am i wrong for thinking she's wrong? like she has a degree, but she also doesn't seem to understand me and idk if im just a weird outlier even in my neurodivergence or if im right and she doesn't truly understand. like im not a doctor, im just a person who has these disorders but i genuinely feel misrepresented and like all these explanations are for other people to understand that they have to put up with me. i feel infantilised and really fucking bummed. like, i knew she wasn't gonna be perfect bc she isn't actually in the community but the level of generalization and misinformation was so disappointing

i feel fucking crazy. cause who am i to disagree with her when she's the professional, yk?? im no one. they won't listen to me. my classmates can't empathize with me like they do each other, and so many of them think they get it bc they're white teenage boys with adhd that are low support(and im happy for them that they feel good about it!! genuinely! and not saying they aren't valid, but in my experience many of them tend to unknowingly invalidate other people with the disorder who are different than them/have higher support needs) and can't seem to understand that other people have different experiences and struggles with the same disorder. i also live in a very conservative city, and even if the school is more liberal, we are still very high in MUF(the moderate party's youth) and you can tell because everyone i know is either apolitical or conservative, except me and the three leftists. it's a hostile environment, and i feel like im rambling but whatever. i needed to get it off my chest

[ethicallysourcedhumanmeat]

I think a thing I've never really considered, as an ND person, when it comes to masking and maintaining close friendships is like there's sometimes a selfishness to being completely myself.

That's not necessarily a bad thing, we all deserve the safety and freedom to be ourselves! I think that there is maybe still like a level of conderation that, for myself at least, I need to be aware of.

I've been sort of overanalyzing a friendship after a kind of situation arose because I noticed a pattern. I always like to address situations and be aware of what is causing an issue and like how to correct it from either end.

It's a really dear friendship and we have struggled a few times in different but similar ways and I think in the end it comes down to me and being totally unmasked and as a result there’s a sort of selfishness that happens that I need to be more accountable for.

I don't know really if I have exact words for it but I think like, yes masking is self preservation but I know when I mask there’s a level of awareness I dont possess otherwise and I started thinking that rather than thinking of it like putting on a mask its more layering for cold weather.

So perhaps instead of removing all my layers just because I am safe with someone I think maybe I should consider that person and if it's respectful of Them or their situation to remover all my outside layers.

like I vocal stim, but I mask that with most people. If I'm with a safe person who may have a sensory issue with a sound I should leave that layer on because thats respectful.

I think in a childish way, and without intending to, I've left responsibility on friends I'm comfortable to be with unmasked that's unfair to them. Like an unconscious expectation to be reminded of plans. With work or school or other things I'm more likely to immediately set reminders but I think with close friends i relax/don't rush because 'they'll remind me if i forget the reminder' and that's not super fair if forgetting is happening 50% of the time.

I guess the catalyst to this thought process was thinking about the 'mental load' conversion around wives and husbands and weaponized incompetence bc sometimes the symptoms of my adhd will mirror that and I think there is a bearing of a mental load associated with caring for someone with executive dysfunction at the very least and like what's the solution to that.

because its seems unfair to just expect that from a person you care about but the reverse seems unfair also so what's the happy medium and I think personally its less thinking of my ND as 1 mask i put on and take off and rather each trait is a separate layer, and paybe something things come in pairs like boots and gloves.

So I started to think, if I'm safe with this person and I can take off all those layers with them, they've even said so. Maybe they've even offered to turn the heat up if Im cold so i can take my sweater off.

But maybe I notice they're uncomfortable with the heat turned up, even tho they offered so next time i just keep my sweater on and maybe some days i make an excuse to keep my hat on you know?

Because yeah it's nice to pull all the layers off but it's not always respectful or necessary (or even fair) to expect people to take on that version of me 100% of the time. Even if they say its ok.

I guess all that to say I think as a neurodivergent person that the key to maintaining friendships is the ability to be completely yourself with someone but being respectful of the middle ground and trying to find the balance between them.

[martian-garden]

So I spent a lot of time in the last month or two working with writing autistic characters and i just wanna have written down for my own reference some traits I've related to or shared with them. I don't think I'm autistic because via Occam's Razor, most of them are explained by my ADHD, but idk. It'll at least help me to process my own experience if i write them down. and get them out of my head.

Split by age experienced bc i've seen that done/viewed as relevant in some instances:

Experiences I had PARTICULARLY AS A CHILD but are now mitigated (either by coping skills or learning):

-Dislike of being hugged or touched; refused to wear certain fabrics or clothes due to how they felt; wore the same jacket for years in a row

-little engagement with my peers/some dislike of them (but i was also bullied)

-dislike of strong spiciness in food (lol gone now) and bitterness (still there but overcome to some degree)

-confusion over otherwise understood social cues; trouble relating to my peers, especially when they expressed emotion (but i was also socially isolated) ; this may be an early manifestation of hyper empathy; too confused by their own feelings to know what I was supposed to feel or do, but i don't remember well. I just know i felt bad for people a lot in a way that was highly internal and awkward.

-when faced with impossible executive function tasks I was unable to initiate, the paralysis and guilt would emotionally overwhelm me and i would scream and cry and curl away from people, and struggle to articulate my feelings, followed by a period of exhausted withdrawal where i felt as though my body was a puppet, and I could think clearly, but attempting to engage with or use my body itself (including speech) continued to be upsetting. This matches much of what i've read of autistic meltdowns and subsequent shutdowns (except that i did eventually figure out how to speak over time), but because it was primarily triggered by ADHD executive dysfunction and rejection sensitive dysphoria, i do not know if that's the major explanation there. These continued up until I gained a better handle on communicating my emotions and had better outlets and executive function support in high school.

Experiences that I continue to have, as an adult:

-overexplaining/preoccupation with technicalities, clarifications; fixates on making sure i communicate EXACTLY what i mean (note: have bullying trauma related to that, where people would deliberately misinterpret me to upset me--but that in and of itself was only an issue bc them doing so would viscerally upset me) ; infodumping about anything i know things about. Sharing knowledge is euphoric.

-Unconscious stimming (i am twisting my chair right now)

-Hyper empathy, to the point of tears for negative emotions. I needed to learn how to regulate this and i'm still working on it.

-Unsure what to do with my body when I'm supposed to be still, or when i feel like i'm being watched

-language processing disorder; exhaustion when trying to process among loud noises

-exhaustion after social interaction with certain personalities (especially outgoing and stimulating)

-speech or what to say becomes tiring after prolonged (especially animated) interaction

-lack of volume regulation

-hyperfixation on specific interests (though this is common in ADHD too)

-responses to phrases that treat them as literal: even though i understand they are metaphorical, i continue to engage with the literal angle.

-preoccupation with following rules/doing the "right" moral thing (i explain to my friends that i am hardwired "lawful good" and take psychic damage if i break rules in a way someone could see me do it. I broke off part of a plant at home depot once and thought someone saw me and had anxiety attacks for the next week and a half).

may add more if i think of them. Again, mostly for my own reference, but idk if someone sees this and has thoughts feel free to (respectfully) reach out.

My adolescent therapist and mother thought i may have autism ("asperger's", which I believe has fallen out of popular use more recently).

[cryptturon]

re: the adhd post. i knew a guy who was open about having adhd. thought we were chill cuz we were going through similar shit but he often.. ditched groupworks despite us (mostly other neurodivergents panicking) contacting him directly. and in the rare times he did show up he'd usually go off and do his own thing like. animate over still photos when the specific assignment i gave him was to film animals outside. additionally he'd constantly sleep in class on the bean bags? in front of everyone to see? something about us all being tired but he was taking the luxury of sleeping comfortably the entire. 6-7 hours he was there.

after i left he kept doing the same shit and it makes me think. im doing some of the groupwork sabotage that he was due to a mix of depression and executive dysfunction. but when i start working on it i dont have the balls to blatantly do it wrong for the sake of doing it the way i want !! i try to make whatever im able to do at that point abide by the instructions or criteria.

to an outside perspective this guy and i are basically doing the same thing (which is "nothing"). the reason i took a while to realize he was just ditching was bc he often came off as Quietly Struggling as i was, and the only way im able to tell now that he Often But Probably Not Always feigns incompetence is bc of how.. he shows up to school every day just to sleep the entire time, never responds to messages nor emails, and sometimes even telling him shit directly in his face does not do anything?

it's hard for Everyone to tell and i'm accused of it! we simply have to give grace when we know very little of someone's situation, and to be prepared to catch some extra work as well as some confrontation to get a scope of the issue and how we can adjust accordingly, adhd or not. it's normal to feel disdain for someone who can't produce results as well as they initially promised / didnt protest against, but keep the complaints private, between friends at most—if things stay as bad as they were even after direct communication, realize how people were simply not meant to work the way we do right now. sometimes it's out of our hands when someone is incapable or unwilling to work, and regardless of which it is, we have to admit it's unfair and just work a lil more ourselves to get to our goals. cry about injustice but learn to live through it in any way you can

[maxxmutt]

Venting about neurodivergencies and mental illness bc im struggling with it rn and I need to let the beast out

Everything about the way my brain works and how I learn was always so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ on all ends. I was never quite sure if I was 'normal' or if 'something is wrong with me' and the adults in my life never had solid answers for me. In 8th grade I was Struggling very badly, my parents and teachers talked to me about it and they say I got back on my feet and did better, on paper they are correct i think?? but nothing felt different to me. I still felt the same struggling after I supposedly 'started doing better'. It never felt like I was doing better and sometimes still don't.

I was told I have some learning disabilities but never go formally diagnosed for some reason. I got my adhd diagnosis as an adult, but all that's come of it is I know for sure I have it. I never got diagnosed with discalculia but im am so so certain I have it, I've researched a lot and i know my experiences. It effected me so badly and still fucking does. It's the source of many of my problems STILL. There may be other things going on in my brain but I don't think I count so I don't see a doctor about them. But I also still have the lingering thoughts in the back of my mind anyway, but I can never belive myself so once again ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I have felt stupid since late middle school. I felt stupid in high school. My grades didn't contradict this thought in my head to me since i have a horrible complex set for myself that is way too high, and now I feel stupid as an adult going through uni. I just don't deal with it as often bc my uni doesn't require math 99.9% of the time and I straight up don't read things they give me and work around it (probably unhealthy but eh). I procrastinate until I'm crying through an assignment even though they give me time. I have been told to ask for accommodations, but if they give me extra time I'm just going to procrastinate LONGER and continue to suffer.

My meds only do so much. And trying new ones to find the one that works is daunting as fuck, I'm in school atm and don't have time for the repercussions of going on and off diff meds ever month. I already am doing bad with assignments, I don't need another problem to make that worse. And sure, maybe I find work around without medication, but I also feel I can't do that bc I can't get a handle on my adhd by myself.

I am so so mad at myself for laying in bed unable to get up and start tasks for no reason other than my brain works different and executive dysfunction and task paralysis are attached to my ankles at all time. I feel so fucking stupid, and lazy, and broken and I just don't know what to do with myself rn. If I had time to go to someone and find out all of what is going on with me and find meds that work maybe I'd shut the fuck up but I have zero time for it rn.

Idk, I'm just really feeling the frustration and sadness of neurodivergency rn... actively procrastinating on an assignment due in 2 days as we speak <3 cant get out of bed <3 adhd is a fucking nightmare and anyone who says it isn't real or isn't that bad is wrong and I fkn hate you, this shit is fucking hell.

[noxiatoxia]

Tell me more about autistic Kaoru

OF COURSE. his biggest special interest is Cinderella. Absolutley adores that movie and watches it constantly. Was mostly into it as a child/in middle school but he still loves it and talks abt it. Watched it so much I think Hikaru is able to recite the whole thing word for word.

He also had an mlp phase that he's very embrassed abt (also bc Hikaru routinely made fun of him for it) (but Hikaru also watched it with him so what does that say about him...). His fave was always Rarity. Didn't watch the later seasons as he kinda forgot to. G5 was announced when he was in college and it brought all the memories back and somehow he and Hikaru convinced the whole Host Club to watch it with them. Hani loves it, Haruhi thought it was cute, Tamaki cried (hes emotional), Kyoya doesn't give a shit, and Takashi liked it but you wouldnt know that bc he never talks lol.

Since his autism isn't severe, it wasn't really recognized and he didn't get diagnosed until after highschool. He and Hikaru never really thought about it much, they just figured that's how Kaoru was. Like, that he just loved certain things a whole lot and was compelled to talk abt them for hours, that he got really fidgety when excited (I would think pacing/moving around a lot), and that he just hated certain textures with a passions (when he was a little kid he cried if people tried to make him wear socks normally. He hated the feeling so bad he Must wear them inside-out) (no im not projecting what are you saying haha) and that he could be overwhelmed and unable to do certain tasks (executive dysfunction) for "no reason"

It was actually Haruhi who, after being Kaoru's friend for all of highschool, suggested he get tested because she thinks he MIGHT be autistic. So he did, and well what would you know. At least it explained a lot of things he couldn't adequately explain before.

Side note I think Hikaru has ADHD. He moves on from topics/ideas at the speed of light and gets bored very, very easily. Its a known thing that the twins will stop doing something if it gets boring, but I like to think 90% of the time it was Hikaru who decided those things were boring and Kaoru just followed along bc he didn't care one way or the other. He's always looking for something to keep himself occupied so that's why he comes up with so many crazy ideas. The introduction of the Host Club actually helped improve his quality of life bc 1. it gave him something to do and someplace where he could excersizes his ideas and 2. it was able to teach him some patience since he DID have to be still and slow occasionally just chatting with people. I also think it helped both twins with getting used to routines, since they never cared much for school (Hikaru struggled to pay attention and Kaoru did as well because he thought it was boring).

Hikaru got his diagnosis the same time as Kaoru since they figured they should both get tested just in case (and because he didn't want Kaoru to feel singled out). He didn't expect anything to come from it but surprise!

[callixton]

Josh and Toby for the HC ask post 🥺

thank you!! toby answered here and you’ve probably heard most if not all of these before but that’s okay bc i’m gonna pretend u haven’t

toby got a little gender and sexuality section so josh can too. in my heart josh is gay <3 he struggled a Lot with coming to terms with this (i think started to figure it out in college and then repressed the hell out of a lot of those experiences), in no small part bc he’s the only surviving child in his family and he didn’t want to be Different in that way, he wanted to make things easy on his mom and not give her another reason to worry (coming out to her is one of the hardest but most gratifying things he does). lotta internalized homophobia on this man for a While too. as he grows more comfortable with himself and starts to come out to the people around him, he really comes into his own though. other thoughts: gnc josh my beloved <3 he Will get a swishy skirt if it kills me and his friends are extremely supportive of this, ftm trans josh and amab enby josh (he/they rights for both)

josh has adhd! most of the characters in west wing are nd in some way In My Head but his adhd really feels borderline textual. uhh severe rsd, his organization methods, his need to talk things out out loud, impulsivity, to some extent his difficulty in relationships. not as canon, but i also think he gets bad executive dysfunction, has sensory issues, and has had hyperfixations on space, theoretical physics, and the american revolution (part of what sparked an early interest in politics)

josh Struggled in school. essentially extrapolating from Everything he does in 20 hours but he didn’t have any coping mechanisms and couldn’t learn the ‘right’ way with his adhd (also v fond of ur dyslexia hc and i think those are co-compatible). he always got good grades, but that’s bc he worked really hard for them. and socially, he’s never known how to shut up when he’s right, and this was only worse when he was still in high school (cue smartest kid in the class speech). kids around him clocked him as gay before he knew himself, and he tried to mask a lot of the things he didn’t like abt himself to the point where they stood out again. he had a few close friends in high school, but no one he ever felt like he could really open up to, and he lost touch with all of them when he went to college. college was also rough academically, bc again i do not think learning has Ever come easy to him, but socially and mentally he was in such a healthier place that he could better deal with it.

generally i think that josh Also has chronic pain from rosslyn, but specifically here i’m gonna talk abt his asthma -- the bullet collapsed his lung, i have a very hard time believing that wouldn’t have some sort of long term effect on his lung capacity. the first time he has an asthma attack he’s convinced it’s a panic attack, which means he doesn’t get help for a Lot longer than he should. before he learns his limits and triggers, he does end up in the hospital for it once or twice, which he hates. oh also think that josh is used to pushing through sickness and still being able to do his job, but after rosslyn that becomes a lot more difficult and it frustrates him.

i go back and forth on whether he can cook but i do have to acknowledge the state of his fridge. anyway i DO think he can bake, he just doesn’t often have time. he Will however stress bake at 1 am, eat 70% of it in the same night, and bring the rest into work the next day. he’s also a Mess when baking like flour everywhere, cocoa powder all over his shirt. he didn’t use to wear aprons until cj gifted him a few with stupid sayings on them and now he wears them as a point of pride. also with the adhd/sensory stuff i’m convinced baked goods tend to be safe foods for him

[mental-ch-illness]

So sorry to bother but could you elaborate on how your medication feels right now?? Ive never sensed that w vyvanse!

heya! yeah!!

so i’m trying to figure out what kind of drug to deal with my adhd because recently i’ve been struggling a LOT with motivation, more so than usual. as you said, i used to take vyvanse. right now i’m trying adderall in place of vyvanse and IDK MAN THINGS ARE WEIRD. my head just feels really staticky. 

my current meds are all taken once a day in the morning, they are as follows:

intuniv: 4mg

lexapro: 20mg

lamictal: 150mg

vyvanse: 40mg (formerly)

adderall: 25mg (testing out)

i’ve always had a lot of problems with executive dysfunction and apathy, but when i finally upped my lexapro i noticed it got SO MUCH WORSE. like, i’m writing a lot more, which is my hobby and i love it, but i’m not doing anything i need to for work or school. it’s not that i didn’t have the energy, i just literally couldn’t care at all. i did some research and found out that occasionally lexapro can cause apathy. i’m prone to getting the weirdest side effects with meds. for example, lamictal has the rare chance of causing extremely vivid dreams, but that is usually seen in epilepsy patients on much higher dosages than mine. i got hyper realistic dreams from the very first week i was on lamictal.

anyways one of the treatments to help reverse that apathy effect is methylphenidate. i’m no stranger to stimulants, mind you. i used to take about 81mg of concerta ER a day just to actually have the smallest chance of focusing in class. it was BAD my guy. vyvanse works a lot better for me over all, but right now, just with how intense my classes are, i can’t afford to not full comprehend the consequences of my actions. idk if anyone else has ever felt like this. i feel very broken man, idk.

feel free to ask more specific questions! i’m literally just here writing mha fan fic bc i’m  t i r e d

[superbatson]

i hate talking to my mom about my neurodivergent traits and stuff bc i definitely think i'm autistic + maybe adhd (yet to be diagnosed, of course)

she's always like "but you did so well in school, why are you struggling now?" and i literally don't have an explanation for her bc i don't know how i did it either

and it's not like my grades are bad now or anything, they're just as good as they were in high school, i'm just having trouble with focus mostly to get the work done, like time management and stuff and part of me wants to blame executive dysfunction but idk if that's too extreme and i described what that is to my mom and again she was like "you did it before, why not now?" well fuck if i don't know.

[brytmoon]

i feel like i'm being really annoying about it to ppl so i'm gonna vent here about struggles i have that might be undiagnosed adhd symptoms since i don't have a very big following except for two close friends (sorry y'all)

1. hygiene, such as brushing my teeth in the morning and showering, is hard. it's been hard my whole life but even now, i'll stare at myself in the mirror or scroll through my phone as i try to convince myself to brush my teeth. (this may or may not be related, but i hate going to the dentist, too.) with showering, it's hard to find the time. i always make sure to shower as often as possible (which is every other day, usually) or i make sure i don't smell if i haven't because i'm scared of having b.o. with both, i have to motivate myself to do it with fancy toothpastes and mouthwash or nice-smelling shower gels and lotions. I'm guessing this is executive dysfunction???

2. I've been incredibly disorganized my whole life. i once thought i had adhd when i was younger because of how disorganized i was. I've always had a super messy backpack and a super messy room (it's really messy rn) but i always know where everything is. i had a ds for at least ten years but lost it a couple months ago in the middle of playing it. where did it go???? i have no idea bruh. and i lose my phone all. the. time.

3. i'm terrible with procrastinating. turning in projects and essays at 11:59 after bullshitting it either all day or mere hours before the due date??? a constant. having failing homework grades and having ntis in every class, no matter how much i enjoy it??? a constant. i once did a whole project i hadn't started on until the morning of the due date. i worked on it while in other classes and at lunch and turned it in 3 minutes before the dropbox closed. anything that's not what i enjoy or zaps the fun out of what i enjoy, i procrastinate with. I've sat in front of the computer screen and almost cried so many times because i couldn't get myself to type up a scholarship essay, which OBVIOUSLY would greatly benefit me as a broke college student, but it doesn't matter bc my brain thinks it's boring so why not push it off?? because i procrastinate, i tend to overwhelm myself so much that i break down at least once when an assignment's due because I've formed a terrible habit of pushing myself to overexertion to get a project done that's meant to be done gradually.

4. bouncing off that last point, I'm terrible with time management and remembering events/due dates/assignments to complete. I've tried using schedule apps and alarms. I've tried to plan out my days. I've tried forming routines and habits to get things done at appropriate times and it doesn't work. that schedule app i downloaded and spent so much time filling out? completely forgotten in a week or two. i swipe away the notifications and pay no attention to them. since everything's virtual now, there have been important college information zoom calls, but i forget about them and miss them. i can't remember events, due dates, or assignments if i don't write them down. since i meet every other day or sometimes once a week for a specific class in college, i can easily forget something mentioned earlier that week that's due the next week over the weekend. i have to remember to write in my agenda in order to remember to do something important, which can be stressful and convoluted 🙃🙃 so my bad time management results in further procrastination and missed opportunities, which makes me feel awful about myself late at night when all i can think about is what i should've done better or differently.

5. chores and hobbies are... interesting. when i do get the energy or motivation to clean or draw, i will hyperfocus on them. if i finally feel like cleaning, I'll skip breakfast and/or lunch and won't take care of myself until I'm done. same happens with drawing. and as stupid or funny as it sounds, i find getting up to go pee so annoying!!!! I'm in the middle of doing something i FINALLY want to do and then i have to get up to go use the bathroom. i don't want to break my concentration bc it's an inconvenience. then with hobbies (y'know, things i want to do and enjoy) i procrastinate!! I've been trying to watch atla since everyone loves it and i like it too, but i put off watching it and other shows like crazy. i play instruments and love to do so, but don't practice very often and spend a couple hours doing so when i do because i remember how fun it is. when i do laundry, I'll remember to put the clothes in the washing machine and start it. but then I'll forget to either put them in the dryer, take them out of the dryer, or fold them. i often have to rewash loads because I'll forget they're in there or I'll have a pile of clothes sitting on my bed for days because i procrastinate with folding them and putting them up.

6. i am the most motivated and have the most energy at night. over the summer, I'd stay up until 4 or 5 am on a regular basis. I'd be the most productive during that time but my sleeping schedule would be so off because of it.

7. so people with adhd crave things that produce dopamine, right? well i snack on candy all the time. and i mean it when i say it's ALL THE TIME. my favorite one is red hots because they're crunchy and spicy. eating candy helps me focus and is probably a form of me seeking more stimulation, but it's bad because of my teeth hygiene issues and me hating to go to the dentist. i also can't do tasks quietly. i have to be listening to music or watching a video while working on something and there are times when i want to do both while working??? so now when i watch something or listen to music without working, i tend to need something to do so i scroll through Instagram while having the show on even though it makes me miss what's happening sometimes.

8. i don't really fidget much i don't think?? but i do weird stuff while listening to someone talk. in school, i often doodled on my worksheets and got in trouble for it. I'd draw eyes in the margins, characters I'm fixated on, squiggly lines, and would color in my o's. or while listening to a family member vent, i dance around or listen while scrolling through Instagram. i also have a baaad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania). I'd focus on picking scabs for a really long time when i was alone and bored and have scars on my face and legs from doing it. I've picked at my face since i was a kid and absent mindedly do it every day.

9. i can get quite distracted and have to ask for directions to be repeated because i won't hear them?? like my brain won't process what someone said until they say it again when i'm actually fully paying attention. my mom will ask me to run an errand for her and she'll need to repeat it to me because i'll get distracted while she's explaining or i'll forget what she said after walking away. i get off track in conversations a lot and can't really listen well when there's a lot of other noise going on, like in cafeterias. i'll be talking to one friend and hear another interesting conversation down the table and pause while speaking bc my attention shifted. i also can lose my train of thought quite easily when waiting to speak and forget what i was saying and not be able to remember it for the life of me. so I'll interrupt sometimes so i don't forget

10. when talking to friends, i feel like i talk about myself a lot. i like to use my personal experiences to connect with what they said and be empathetic to them, but i worry this comes off as being conceited. i heard that it might be an adhd thing i do to keep myself engaged in the conversation.

i think that's all of them??? I'm so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this jgjrjrj but i guess it's good to make note of this stuff in some way because i articulate my feelings better when typing instead of speaking. and this'll be helpful to reference when chatting with a future therapist which i will hopefully get soon! and if anyone sits through this and has any advice, I'm all ears!!

[iconsumeheadcanons]

persona characters autism headcanons!

hi im autistic and i started my day with sun so now im !!!!!!!!! some of these headcanons are from elsewhere on tumbr, but i dont know where :(((  so i am hoping someone out there knows that n that everybody knows that i love them <3

(also go check out mollypaup and i think hypeswap if you havent already! they post some good stuff autism+adhd hc too!!! i think.. oh! and thieves-in-the-palace!!!)

P5

Joker

there was some artwork from someone on tublr..where they pointed out that he doesnt really talk outside the metaverse so--hes hyperverbal as joker and just near nonverbal as akiren

he stims ALL THE TIME. that phone thing, the pencil thing, the little tappy tap of his foot, pulling at his bangs when hes embarrassed/smug. someone get him a fidget spinner. he’ll prob learn to do tricks with it

he probably sucks at focusing in class, like i know its just the game design but hes always surprised out of his daily “star out the window at the nearby office building” when his teachers ask him questions

mona mentions when the pt is at Wilton for the first time (after they run into shido) that joker eats like shit, and that could have multiple causes at the start of the story of course, but when i first played i thought that joker was a picky eater and that the variety (and amount of food) at the buffet would be an Ordeal...

tho mona makes that comment bc joker looked pale after having a little ptsd moment from shidos voice, but i didnt know that the first time i played

maybe when joker makes a face at ryuji putting so much ginger in his gyudon? joker probably does not like pickled ginger lol

his favortive foods are all spicy, which is why the curry he makes for his friends is always ‘overly spicy’, and why kasumi makes him a curry bento and joker kept going “...?” .... “....?!”

overly reflective glasses have been a great plus for him bc now he never has to make real eye contact every again!

mona Soft. play with Ann hair. maybe Braid. nice

puns (Gorou the Goroumet)

he has so many options to be straight up rude sometimes in game. he probably no clue on his own, which is why he defaults to Not Talking. people probably mention his constant scary face, which is just him being nonexpressive, squinting at all the fucking bright lights, and Tired

executive function who? we do everything last minute folks

high pain tolerance, which is why he was the kid that was always climbing trees in elementary school to get basketballs unstuck from the branches

his sixth sense lets him see treasure and possible places to climb/crawl bc 1. Shiny? Steal it. Steal it Now. and 2. Could i fit in that? Time to Find Out

probalby a bit of a klepto too oops. he’ll return it tho!! but he has to do it dramatically or he’ll die

cant sit properly to save his life

smells and touch are Great, they can keep him grounded when his brain goes off to police or dead rivals or guilt or

if a friend hung out with him and gave him total reigns of the agenda, he would choose to nap on the floor while his friend does something off to the side quietly

hyperfocuses on handy tasks (i.e. lockpicks, coffee brewing, cleaning, his part time jobs) and some things like movies and books. everything else is a tossup

his (normal) navigation app is his most used app bc he still doesnt know where hes going, even though he only goes to the same few places in the city

hates being sweaty, literally cannot stand it. probably double exhausted during the summer

but Needs Compression so hes often Struggling

Futaba

paraphrase from p5d “i have no motor skills so i cant play rhythm games :(” need i say more? (i will regardless)

echolalia all the time, from anime, memes, the PT

those headphones she wears all the time? noise cancelling ear protectors babey

only talks about her interests, “normal” talking is Not Easy, but she is still communicative w others despite her worries. shes not “hard to understand” at all but she feels the anxiety nonetheless

only talks informally, cannot talk ‘politely’ with out imitating someone around her

shes had meltdowns and anxiety attacks in game :( i relate so hard

Technology. thats it

def had an egypt phase that pops up every few months. probably came from yu-gi-oh

has Immune to Bright Lights buff.  joker is very jealous

“Time to make like a tree and leave!” and 30 other iterations

video game metaphors are the only ones that makes sense to her

probably relates hard to robot characters in anime for their general androgyny and confusion about human emotions and connections

probably gets told that shes “too smart to be on the spectrum” by teachers >:( she fails their classes on purpose

wakaba’s autistic too that just how it is

the Connection that she establishes with Joker is so Warm. my life goals include adopting an older brother like futaba has lsdkfjslkfj

also eater of 5 foods only, i mean, she brings cup ramen to the beach. i just really admire her...

hides in small spaces for comfort

doesnt she have like uhhhhh hyperthymesia or something like that?

Yusuke

art

his entire social link is learning how humans work, which i relate

talks seriously all the time

“sarcasm? who is that? are you saying I was sarcastic?...how?”

cant remember to take care of his body, and madarame did not help with that either

lot of uncomfortable staring, hes overdoing the eye contact thingy

infodumps all the time, doesnt know hes doing it

needs a lot of support even if he doesnt think he deserves it. no one ever complains about helping him out tho

visual stims my friends

he didnt know that you could look up pictures on the internet but he does know you can stream live videos of waterfalls and fluffy animales!!

I am certainly in the mood

for something salty today.

he and joker are scared of math. numbers do not interact

Yusuke, futaba, and akiren are a trio and i know this bc their first day of non-thievery interacts is Akiren clearing Futabas room w/o permission, futaba hyperfocusing on destroying medjed, and yusuke rearranging futabas figurines so they are more visually appealing

morgana is a support friend for all of them bc igor knows they need it

P4

Souji/Yu

yes, he mostly wears gray semi formal clothes bc parents tell him to, no, he will not changes this

Schedule or Death

“sorry, could you repeat that?” “huh? oh yeah, i was saying that--” “yeah that’d be cool.”

cats, fishing, he just likes to be quiet. you can literally spend a day at the beach just to think if you want, and that is what yu want

has a lot of scripts for things (of which he shares with nanako!) but if he runs out he just stops talking..

inaba is a godsend bc its so fucking quiet and warm

he Yearns to hold his friends hands, but he shies away from a lot of touch (excepting yosuke, teddie, and nanako)

Cooking and Cleaning makes the world better. he and joker vibe together with this

unlike akiren, he strong arms any executive dysfunction into Be Productive or Else. his punishment is feeling the pure anxiety of having to make up for ‘lost time’. (another symptom of his workaholic parents)

writes everything down, notes are very neat, has pages dedicated for bad doodles when hes not feeling his usual Super Classroom Focus

Cannot handle secondhand embarrassment (most often caused by yosuke) and will quietly slip away to random cats or origami folding

hungry, crunch crunch folks. probably needs chewelry bc he used to chew on his shirt collars when he was younger.

cleans up after everyone in the food court, constantly worries about them accidently hurting themselves. likely spends half of group conversations watching peoples hands

he canonically eats expired food, nanako plz help your brother

really clumsy, but people only notice after they decide that he is a cool person

video games are too chaotic for him

exhausted every night from the pure amount of masking he does, if a friend spends the night (or is like yosuke) they will know his more comfortable weirdo self (tho everyone knows hes a weirdo eventually)

hyperempathetic, sometimes just understands animals and children better than peeople his age or older

Yukiko

her jokes

she and souji get in ‘trouble’ together, she and joker commit crimes together

she and chie have to coordinate outfits, its important

actually understands metaphors, but does not understand people

like me, had no clue that creepy kid was flirting with her

she is very angry when she has meltdowns that might involve slamming doors and shouting. her parents call these ‘tantrums’ and ‘unfitting for a polite daughter’ but really thats because her meltdowns tend to be caused by arguments w her family after a long day of school and TV world traipsing

the metronome meme, except hers goes between Loudest Person in the Room to Quietest Pin Drop in the Planet. she is completely unaware of this

her atmosphere brightens when chie appears. that is not only the lesbian energy within her, but also because chie is like her Favorite Person

Cannot wear Pants. No (tho she wants to try it! but she puts them on and her soul instantly squashes)

happy flappy lesbian! watch out!

Naoto

the pouty face. all the time lskdfjlasdkf

hes really snappy sometimes and i love that for him. he and akechi should fight just to see what would happen (please read Bang Bang Shoot Shoot on AO3)

“do not touch me or my hat, thank you”

no one has ever seen him shutdown and no one ever will (except for his grandpa)(and kanji)(and rise)

probably likes certain food textures and will stand for nothing less, probably feels embarrassed about his preferences with friends

constantly jumps between ‘everybody hates me so i should act like them so they dont hate me’ to ‘i refuse to be anything but very comfortable as myself, and i dont care that im making you upset sir’

he and souji are the king and queen of subtle stims, but for unhappy reasons :(

does not make jokes. cannot joke around. understand? yes, do? no.

loose clothes are the only good clothes, but all tags and obtrusive seams will be obliterated by kanji tatsumi

not very empathetic so he probably comes off as an asshole to strangers (like when he throws away his classmates confession letters without reading them) but he tries so hard to sound comforting when his buds are struggling.

his understanding of others emotions/reactions come from his learning as a detective, which seems cold+clinical to others, especially compared to souji, whos completely unexpressive but very introverted people person

P3

Hamuko/Minako/Kotone

big personality!! very people-oriented!! koromaru and her are buddies!! when shes having a real bad time, shes very quiet and expressions turn off

interrupts herself in the middle of conversations all the time. no one knows where shes coming from. her brains is thousands of km ahead of her body

bouncey legs, swingin arms, twirlly skirt, little somersaults! when will she stop? never!

very obvious music stims with her hands and arms! people are like “oh there she goes! happy as usual!” shes listening to minatos heavy metal playlist

switches from exhausted to excited within milliseconds. no one can predict, not even her

SEES has to ask her for context all the time cuz she’ll just continue shit from 2 weeks ago without warning

professionals will assume shes very childish bc of how chipper she is, but she is beyond mature for her age and only feels comfortable enough to have serious conversations if a person has proved themself able to handle it

collects every little thing. her room is a mess and she has to get rid of most of it every time she moves :(

hates cleaning! smells bad, feels bad hhhhhgggg

dont let mitsuru-senpai see her bedroom

gets lost in the middle of conversations with others bc shes thinking about a story connected to one(1) word that was said earlier

 no sense of time and place, she just sees her friends and goes “ah, this is the right place, then” but junpei and akihiko are also lost so now theyre all screwed

Minato/Makoto/Sakuya

no talkies, no walkies

his story in the movies is him literally learning how to function around people he cares for

doesnt get jokes, expressions, body language, empathy, subtlety, metaphors, physical contact, or eye contact. aigis is probably the only person he truly understands right away

he is still nice to people because he doesnt see a reason not to be, but also he has very limited energy so only his senpai and old people get his most polite-kindnesses

cannot describe feelings for the life of him. the team wont know hes injured or sick until hes passed out

everything is too loud, time to drown it out with my loud ass music

rocking and chewing stims, ryoji is the first person to point him out for these subtle stims (not accusingly of course, just general pure curiosity and love for the uniqueness of humanity)

likes to cover his face with whatever is available, lives like a bat in a dark dry cave

will wear anything that has pockets and his blue/gray/black palette

sleepy at all times bc he never has much energy

when he was younger he probably needed a lot of support, especially after his parents died, because he wouldnt communicate like a neurotypical and would shutdown for hours in the middle of school without warning. probably missed a lot of lessons and field trips out of pure overstimulation

eating at all times. no preference, just whatevers closest

his meltdowns probalby include humming whining noises and curling up in a ball, which makes people want to touch him, but that is the LAST thing he wants. put a blanket on him! play some music! do not talk and do not expect him to speak

aigis is the only person who can touch him normally bc her hands are cold and he likes cold

never nude, feels mmmmmmmmm without clothes and probalby wears a full robe in the hotsprings

will not do things that take more than one step w/o someone else walking him thru it, which Same

[letitrainathousandflames]

I don't mean to be invasive - but I just wanted to say I *LOVE* your comic! So so so much because this is how I feel too; and its really relieving to see that I am not alone in this feeling. I was actually wondering if you'd gotten your diagnosis test results back and how you feel about them now? And how difficult was the process of getting a diagnosis if you don't mind me asking? If I am being too forward please dont be afraid to tell me! <3 Well wishes to you!

[warning: this will get long, i’m so sorry...]

Hello! I haven’t yet... I just finished taking the tests yesterday, so it might take a little while for the psychiatrist to “grade” them because there are a LOT of tests.

If I am ADHD, I suspect I am at the innatentive part of the spectrum - which made me a daydreaming, homework-forgetting child but not a loud or disruptive one at school. Being a woman also makes it more difficult to get diagnosed.

But the signs, GOSH the signs. They were everywhere. I was too shy and didn’t talk to anyone - unless to my family and close friends, whom I left exhausted because I talked too much. I kept forgetting my homework. I didn’t write down anything in class bc I was either doodling, daydreaming or sleeping - ADHDers have a different circadian rhythm, so at 7am my brain was still lethargic.

The green coat in the comic? I rescued it from my school’s lost and found box about three times every month bc I kept forgetting it in the classroom. In college, it was my flash drive filled with the entire semester’s assignment. I get lost very easily. I have a cold cup of tea next to me right now - I forgot to drink it while it was hot, about two hours ago.

I could continue listing my many many many symptoms here, but I guess you get the gist of it. Needless to say, I hated school. They wanted me to understand math when all I wanted was to learn topics of my own interests. So I had terrible grades and a confusing paradox: bad grades meant i was dumb. But I was learning basic japanese and two fictional languages and their structures as a hobby. I liked studying how to conjugate verbs in lord of the rings’ elvish for fun. My classmates were struggling with basic english while I was already at intermediate level just because I really wanted to understand the plot of my favorite video games, which were all in english.

I was twelve, juggling four languages in my brain for fun just because words fascinated me, and in spite of that, the adults at my school and the grades on my report said i was dumb. I could already make out song lyrics in english by ear, I had memorized the hiragana alphabet in japanese and I could even hold a small conversation in elvish with a fellow nerd.

But I was dumb to the world, and obviously to myself as well because you internalize that shit when they say it over and over. I perceived my entire worth as my grades, and since they were quite low... yeah.

I’m 30. I only started thinking about the possibility of me not being lazy and having terrible time management skills and just not caring about anything at all around 2-3 years ago, tops. I spent nearly my entire life thinking that I’m just... defective, because everyone else around me seemed to be doing fine.

Still, I consider myself lucky because I live in the age of the internet. I stumbled upon a few posts about dealing with constant disorganization, executive dysfunction, rejection sensitive dysphoria, etc. and it just blew my mind - “other people are dealing with that? other people are suffering with that? and it has a name?? and this condition can be treated/understood/improved???”

About what led me to finally getting my diagnosis - I have this super cool psychiatrist that was helping me with my anxiety (which, haha, might be a symptom of my untreated adhd), and when I told her about my suspicions she said “hey, I wouldn’t suggest this if you were a kid, or a younger person but since you’re a full grown adult, I can prescribe you some ritalin and you take like, half of the smallest dose, just to try and see if it helps you focus.” And it did. So I was like “oh. oh, I need to look deeper into this.”

Now I’m waiting for the results and... trying not to freak out, haha.

If you can, try to find a good therapist - not only therapy might be highly positive to you as it is to me, but your therapist can also point you to the right direction. They’ll be glad to refer you to a professional that can have you tested for any disorder you might have, and will also help you find ways to cope with your shortcomings (for example, to help me stop procrastinating, my therapist made a deal with me to show her at least one new page of my current project on every session ^^”)

Sorry for this being so messy, half-personal confession, half-advice. I hope I didn’t ramble too much. Good luck, dear! I hope you find your happiness soon! <3

[redandfranticfeelings]

okay ive been wanting to make a post like this for a while but i wanted to make it an essay and i dont know if i can really organize my thoughts in that way yet, so here’s a chronological bullet-pointed dump to explain my very important thesis:

be more chill is about internalized ableism, and jeremy, michael, and christine are all highly autistic coded. this is going to be very long and detailed but only because there’s a lot of details that work very well under this lens.

there’s probably even stuff i missed but this is already extremely long so it basically just functions as a way for me to collect a bunch of details that i can piece together later in a more coherent manner.

“more than survive” in the context of jeremy being autistic works so much. the theme of wanting to be just socially acceptable enough to not burn out or be harassed is so relatable, and it visually establishes very early how jeremy is isolated from his peers due to his own awkward behavior and hypersensitivity. it’s coupled with his very obvious anxiety disorder, but the social aspect just screams autistic coding to me. i take this song to basically be “not having a meltdown is basically my goal but i would love to be neurotypical enough so i can heighten my standards and actually enjoy my social life.” some choice segments:

“if i’m not feeling weird or super strange, my life would be in utter disarray, cuz freaking out is my okay”

jeremy’s house being a mess is partly due to his dad’s serious depression, yeah, but i believe the other aspect is that jeremy’s executive dysfunction makes it just as hard to clean up in his place

he gets super anxious at the prospect of his expected routine being shaken up and having to make the decision on his own of how to get to school

“so i follow my own rules and i use them as my tools to stay alive” honestly sounds like a euphemism for autism to me

jeremy not really realizing that he’s staring at chloe

“avoiding any eye contact at all” explains itself

michael’s introduction, oh my god, every time i watch this part i just adore it. i could talk a lot more about michael’s autism later but this whole segment sells it especially.

first off, michael keeping his hood up and headphones on in a deliberate attempt to avoid social interaction and stay in his own space is such an autistic mood. even before this scene he’s constantly moving in the background to his music a la stimming. in the later performances he spends a lot more time playing with his hoodie strings and even chews on them!!

the fact he doesn’t talk to or even really look at jeremy until his song is done playing also feels very autistic to me! and the way he dances so confidently and basically pretends even his best friend isn’t there for the time being because he’s engrossed in his own passions.

michael is a great friend but it’s clear that he doesn’t really understand that his coping mechanism doesn’t really work for jeremy, and that even though michael feels confident reclaiming his identity as a ‘loser,’ jeremy doesn’t really feel any better about it. i think a lot of autistic folks, or at least i do, have this tendency to assume what works for us works for everyone around us at first due to our struggles with empathy. michael tries his best but struggles to see outside his point of view. it’s mind-blindness in action and jeremy can’t communicate why it upsets him any better than michael can pick up on it not working for him.

near the end of the song, they have a brief moment where all the ensemble crowds in around jeremy and the lights start flashing, which i interpret as a visual representation of sensory overload.

we’ll talk more about her soon, but outside of jeremy’s fantasies about her, christine also avoids social interaction during this number, constantly hiding her face in a book and avoiding eye contact just as much as jeremy. people forget that she’s not comfortable with unexpected social interaction, and that really informs my headcanon for her which brings us to....

“i love play rehearsal” is an autistic anthem. it also works, possibly even better due to in-text evidence, as an adhd anthem, but combined with the above it makes so much sense for her to be comorbid autism/adhd. i did a breakdown of the song in this context before, but i’ll sum it up here

the song showcases what having a special interest/hyperfixation is like. christine is singing to jeremy, yes, but she really seems so caught up in her own passion without much regard for how jeremy is following it, and even cuts him off from responding to her once or twice because she’s just so hyped up on her own feelings. she also basically implies her happiness is reliant on her special interest which is very relatable.

lines like “you follow a script so you know what comes next” also really sell the interpretation that christine isn’t good in unpredictable situations, and has so many identity issues and likes having something to look to where things are laid out for her. i think that stability is what a lot of autistic people look for, especially teenagers.

also with that in mind, look at how upset she gets watching a play she loves about get rewritten into something weird and new that she doesn’t know.

also gotta love how she still self-isolates before this song by focusing on her book, until she has a reason to infodump to jeremy. and then feels guilty afterwards and goes right back into her book while apologizing for getting “carried away”....biiiig mood there

the whole intro scene showcases both of their awkwardness so much. jeremy gets completely thrown off by her sarcastic comment about the swim team and almost believes it, which implies that he can’t read tone very well. and then christine’s “you’re a virgin” comment comes across like she really didn’t think about how that would sound to jeremy before saying it since she only made the clarification after he was ready to panic about it. she has a habit of speaking before she thinks, i think, the self-harm comment is also very awkward considering she barely knows jeremy.

after that scene we get “more than survive reprise” where jeremy admits to routinely having such bad breakdowns that he needs to step out and go to the nurse which works for both the anxiety disorder and the autism interpretation.

i’m not quite sure whether i see rich as autistic (i see him with a lot of mental issues for sure though) so i can’t say much on “the squip song” but there’s definitely something to describing a confused autistic kid as “almost helpless.” rich definitely has a habit of giving too much information though, i’ll say that.

“two player game” is just jeremy and michael being autistic solidarity: the song. i guess this is a good place to say that jeremy and michael work well as a contrast b/w two sides of autistic community, the side that struggles to function and desperately wants a change bc they’re afraid of being alone forever, and the side that tries to love all their symptoms and embrace their autistic pride. and as coincidental icing on the cake, jeremy wears blue (associated with the derogatory views from autism speaks) and michael wears red (associated with combating said views through autistic pride).

btw you could probably attribute michael’s ability to casually down a long-expired crystal pepsi as a sort of weird sensory quirk. and his fixation w/ that sort of memorabilia honestly feels like a special interest in its own right!

both “nice sideburns....wolverine, right” and “like in x-men????” using fiction as a reference point for real life always gives me autistic vibes (esp the first point where he awkwardly uses it to start conversation). can we assume x-men is a special interest? :3

jake referring to jeremy as a ‘freak’ when the squip turns on is really sad in this context but it also does make so much sense

now we get to the squip.....and what do you know, it uses tactics from abusive therapy used on autistic children. dare i say that “be more chill” as a song isn’t just an abuser’s song, but an ableist’s abuser’s song.

first off, the “spinal stimulation.” here’s a not so fun fact: electroshock therapy has been used to discourage autistic behavior in very recent years. (content warning in link for graphic description of ableist torture)

then the lyrics, in which the squip mostly focuses on jeremy’s posture and physically punishes him for disobeying. jeremy is shown to really struggle to stand up straight and pose himself in a normal, confident way, and i think that tendency to be unaware of what our body is doing is a pretty autistic thing?

the fact the squip singles out stammering and refers to jeremy’s “tics and fidgets” brings attention to two more autistic traits of jeremy’s

the squip basically punishes jeremy for responding “incorrectly” to social situations like rejecting brooke, even if they aren’t objectively wrong. it eventually just starts speaking for jeremy because jeremy seems incapable of acting natural. the squip is an abusive autism parent.

“sync up” demonstrates jeremy’s weird relationship with empathy. he wants to be nice to everyone- will has even called him “deeply empathetic”- but he’s initially really bad at seeing other people’s point of view, which is why he positions himself as sort of against the world, seeing everyone as better than him or trying to set up these barriers of Coolness where everyone else must be perfect compared to him. he’s so surprised to learn that the popular kids also hurt because of his strict idea of the social structure. it’s a combination of low self esteem and a black-and-white viewpoint.

let’s go back to christine. the squip, already established as ableist abuser, finds her “highly unusual” for acting in a way that disregards everyone who views her. she has very strange and specific visions in her head, and it seems very natural for her even if jeremy struggles to follow along.

in later performances, she chews on her sleeve and spins around during AGTIKBI. that’s stimming, babes. also gotta acknowledge “i don’t always relate to other people my age, except when i’m on the stage”

i’m gonna use this section to talk about jake and christine. christineis a bit unsure when interacting with jake, until he validates her interest- her acting is what really touches him. but jake, while good-hearted, has trouble being self-centered and thus not fully aware of christine’s own needs and space. so christine is always a little uncomfortable around him, especially in public, and not always willing to socialize. he is right about her being kind of stuck in her comfort zone, though, not doing anything off of her stage. and he is genuinely nice to her, it’s just a matter of their social strategies clashing.

the fact that the squip blocks out michael...i’ve had a lot of times in my life where i was told that socializing with other “weird” people would be counterproductive for my social development and it was part of why i was stuck with so few friends. so i really feel the idea that blocking out the person who helps you feel confident in your atypicality is framed as a good thing so you can act more socially adept, and that doing otherwise would just drag you both down.

hot DAMN does “loser geek whatever” make so much sense for an autistic kid with internalized ableism.

“it’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” makes it pretty clear this isn’t about the school social scene as muc as it is the entire social scene of the world. we may not see it, but it’s just (not) interacting with people in general that jeremy can’t stand.

“michael says that weird is rad but feeling weird just makes me sad” as stated above, makes a Lot More Sense with the idea that michael is both a more confident autistic and really bad at addressing jeremy’s own internalized ableism and desire to make connections outside his small friend group.

everything about jeremy boiling down all his problems to his “instincts” sucking and needing to basically be told what to do really highlights how autistic kids can feel broken because of their inability to fit into the social norm, to the point where we repress every behavior that actually makes us feel comfortable and unique. 

not to mention the line about him being seen as a “normal handsome guy” since autistic people tend to be infantilized and never seen as desirable (will roland also implied this line has trans coding which is another discussion altogether but i feel i should acknowledge that here)

all of those terms that jeremy calls himself near the end- namely weirdo, misfit, oddball, freak, failure- all of this sounds like the shit people throw at autistic kids. like this goes beyond anxiety alone, this is jeremy being outcasted and oppressed by the general public due to his behavior. especially the “please don’t speak” part, considering how often autistic kids are mocked for misunderstanding when to speak, how to speak, and what to talk about. jeremy needs some freaking love. :(

“michael in the bathroom” is a panic attack, related to severe anxiety, but i do see a lot of aspects that play into autism as well. the little nervous stimmy movements of foot-bouncing and picking at grout, the explosive sensory overload during the “knock knock” section of the bridge, the whole concept of losing the only person you ever managed to connect to without sacrificing who you are, dealing with this massive change to your sense of philosophy and reality where you pinned everything on one person to ground yourself, and thus you’re now completely lost trying to isolate yourself from this big overwhelming social gathering...neurodivergent anthem all around.

jeremy and christine’s couch interactions during halloween give me such autistic positivity. christine basically echolales jeremy’s weird noise and they both have so much fun vocal stimming that they forget there’s another person in the room. it’s such a sweet moment until jeremy ruins it by realizing that asking her out right after a breakup is Not Really Good For Her.

christine’s reaction to the fire demonstrates a clear case of hyperempathy to me. it isn’t discussed as much as a complete lack of empathy, but autistic folks are prone to feeling way too much especially when it comes to others’ pain. christine talking about how she hates that everyone’s hurting and desperately wants to help but doesn’t know how, and how we’ve already seen how much she struggles to connect with others like jake....it’s a very relatable, very specific autistic mood.

going back to the theme of jeremy and empathy, christine’s above hyperempathy kind of breaks this mold, and while jeremy always does feel for the other kids, by this point he feels so strongly- particularly for christine, who he also saw as a perfect confident being until now- that the squip can manipulate him into “fixing” everyone the same way the squip was supposed to “fix” him. and he never considers that christine doesn’t need to be fixed because he just projects his own insecurity that strongly onto everyone else who seems “weird” in the same kind of way- hence why he assumes michael is jealous of him back in MITB. it’s likely a result of the squip’s manipulation but i feel like mind-blindness is a factor, even if jeremy switches between struggling to process others’ emotions and being extremely empathetic.

michael’s special interest saves the day!!! :D

the whole fight b/w jeremy and michael, assuming it comes from a genuine place of repressed bitterness, has a lot of added subtext with them both being autistic. jeremy accusing michael of “giving up” on social interaction, michael envies jeremy for trying bc michael is clearly Not comfortable in most large social settings, jeremy envies michael for his pride, it just hits home for me i guess

rich calling michael “antisocial headphones kid” honestly how is michael not canon autistic

in the off-bway version michael briefly speaks too loud forgetting that jeremy’s head still hurts which is a relatable Forgot About Boundaries thing. plus him smacking rich playfully forgetting that rich is Still In Pain

“voices in my head” works nice as a fuck-societal-norms-and-just-be-happy song. “embrace the traits that make you so odd” in particular :’)

jeremy remembering christine’s infodump about her obscure bowling alley performance art idea and bringing it up to her again!!!

the squip doesn’t go away because ableism and the anxiety it brings and all the upsetting symptoms of autism don’t go away, but with the right support and confidence you can live with them!!! good message for mental disorders in general and works very well in this context!!!

so in conclusion.....be more chill is autistic pride!!!

[zerogender-onlyswag]

Even though it feels like a lifetime ago since it happened RIGHT BEFORE Covid shut things down, I only got diagnosed with ADHD THIS YEAR, back in February.

The more I think about it the more it pisses me off too.

If I had been born a male, I would have been diagnosed with it, I’m absolutely positive. For one thing, I was born in the 90s and the number of ADHD diagnosises in boys during my childhood is what led to Gen X parents thinking it was a Big Pharma conspiracy.

But on top of that; I had a severe lack of what all my teachers called organization (actually, the words you’re looking for are “executive dysfunction”). I lost or forgot about homework so often, that my first experience with bad grades came not from actually failing to grasp the material, but from losing my homework or forgetting about it and getting zeros. My 4th grade teacher couldn’t wrap her brain around me bc I was a good student otherwise but kept not turning in homework, and she couldn’t understand why I wouldn’t do my homework if I was such a good student in class. I had some oppositional behaviors that year too, since my teacher went on some kind of leave halfway through the year and another 4th grade teacher took over our class temporarily. I HATED him. Just had absolute tantrums when he was my teacher. I spent a lot of time with the school counselor (who was arguable my best friend while I was at this particular elementary school...it was a rough time for me) during 4th grade and no one ever thought to question that quiet little me had tantrums over a routine change and regularly forgot to do my homework. (There’s some environmental context as to why 4th grade in particular was bad but I don’t feel like detailing it. Just know my family life was complicated at the time). I hated substitute teachers in general but he was the worst.

I also spaced out so often that my family had a name for it, going to [deadname]land. I’d devour books but do NOTHING ELSE but read that book until I finished it and literally be unable to hear people if I was reading.

My emotional disregulation was the symptom people were most concerned with though and it’s not listed as a diagnostic criteria so I got diagnosed with a mood disorder when I was a teenager instead.

I’m hyperactive too but I present in more subtle ways (the leg jiggle thing still drives my family nuts, I’m a really bad nail-biter and picker but it’s never been for anxiety reasons it’s usually an over or understimulated thing), I was REALLY picky about clothes because some clothes just felt wrong on my body. I hated clothes with any kind of embroidery on it (my sweet sweet Grandma remembers this to this day and still asks me before she buys me clothes if it’s ok).

I got put in a test anxiety group in middle school, despite having never been anxious about a test in my life. I don’t remember exactly WHY, but I think I was struggling with homework again and maybe failed one test because I didn’t study...plus my teacher was a POS who wanted me to have different friends that HE thought were better for me instead of being friends with the likely autistic girl and the weird horse girl.

I don’t know it just makes me angry that it took me doing research on my own as an adult in my late 20s and going to a specialist for me to be officially diagnosed with ADHD, despite my symptoms being so obvious in retrospect and despite me bringing it up with psychiatrists in other settings, and them being like, yeah probably but we’re not going to actually test or diagnose you we’re just going to treat the bipolar you’re already diagnosed with.