#barely edited and i'm not happy with it but i'm still sick myself and way out of fucks to give

[asteria-argo]

Answer the questions and tag five fanfiction authors you know!

tagged by the wonderful wonderful @altschmerzes

1. How many fandoms have you written in?

Written in about 15 but I've only published in two. According to ao3 it's five but that's because of the umbrella fandom of DC comics.

2. How many years have you been writing fanfiction?

Since I was around 6 and I'm now 20 so about,,, 14 years

3. Do you read or write more fanfiction?

I read way more than I write, I read a bare minimum of 3 fics a day and I go through really long periods of not writing anything so I for sure read more than I write

4. What is one way you've improved as a writer?

since I started publishing my fics I've gotten a lot better at actually finishing them, but my grammar and tense has also improved A Lot just from practicing even if it's still not the best out there.

5. What's the weirdest topic you researched for a writing project?

I mean it's not that weird but I get very hyperfixated on small details so I did a lot of researching into the different degrees offered at Yale and Harvard in order to decide what degrees I think would be offered at a fictional Ivy League university when I was writing character bios a little while ago.

Also for To All The Better Places I spent a truly inane amount of time researching grassroots U12 girls football teams for a side character so I could name one in the right area that would suit her needs the best.

6. What's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?

long ones for sure. I love getting long comments especially on my longer fics where people like,, point out things they liked or quote my work as me. Also love those like,, live slug reaction comments you get sometimes where people go paragraph by paragraph telling you their thoughts as they have them in one long comment,

7. What's the most fringe trope/topic you write about?

I have a lot of ambiguous gender feelings a lot of the time, and I also grew up watching a lot of "boy" oriented media that would only have like,, one or two girl characters at best so from a young age I was fascinated with reading like,, canon divergent "always-a-girl" trope fics and I have written a couple of them myself which I think is a bit of an unpopular trope in wider fandom.

8. What is the hardest type of story for you to write?

angst and whump because I really struggle describing physical sensation and angst usually just ends up with me making myself sad and/or sick in the process of writing it if I don't have a happy ending planned and ready to go

9. What is the easiest type?

found family stories are my bread and butter, slice of life, friends just being friends, those kinds of stories

10. Where do you do your writing? What platform? When?

I usually write at home at my desk, since I study online I've got a pretty perfect set up to spend long hours there. If I'm not at home I'm at the library. I use Notion, because it's free, I have personal beef with Word and google docs sucks. It's not technically a writing platform in the sense I use it in but it works fine as one, it also makes it super easy to organise my files and extra notes of fics, on top of my editing and the drafts.

11. What is something you've been too nervous/intimidated to write, but would love to write one day?

I actually recently overcame my big too nervous to write fic. I am,, an asexual virgin but I also really enjoy reading smut. I've wanted to write some for ages, but on account of not knowing how sex works because I've never had it and also my inability to describe physical sensations I've been weary to give it a go in case it's terrible but I finally wrote some not long ago and published it over on ao3

12. What made you choose your username?

Well Asteria is just my name, and then Argo is a combined DC/Greek Mythology references. Argo comes from the Argonauts of The Golden Fleece myth, but it's also the name of the original supergirls home.

I do not know whose already been tagged or whose already done it so I'm just going to go for it and hope for the best @jamtartandsunshine @kvetchinglyneurotic @jamiesfootball @antitheticaally @its-not-easy-being-green-things

[msfbgraves]

AI and the meaning of art, a stream of consciousness

Or... the more I think about it the less I understand

The way I see it, if you're involved in any salaried art creation, you're making propaganda. And that's not a diss, it's a statement of fact; I'm doing the same working on an annual report. Now of course they're going to take the human element out of that if they can. Humans sometimes can't help themselves but put something transgressive in there, that's what humans do, especially grotesquely underpaid humans.

Also, why are artists and writers so undervalued?

They call bigshots out on their bullshit

They can do something death- defying

They need nobody's permission to do it

Art and writing transcend language, time and culture. And rank. The lowest of the low can do it and will sometimes be remembered better than the highest and mightiest.

And not everyone can do it well. And humanity needs it. Other creatives need it, and they make a hell of a racket about how insignificant the concept art is, how trivial the writing. Because it's all about the interpretation, huh!! They are more important....!!!!!!!!!!!!

And I think that a 100 years ago, nobody gave a rat's ass about this German guy who had written this show, Spring Awakening, they're right. Nobody came for this Wedekind.

Except they're still remaking it. Even though it has been filmed, and played, and filmed again. All the interpretations will become dated.

The bare bones endure over decades, even centuries.

Do we know the people who commissioned Caravaggio? Very few do. Or Dior? Chanel? No we don't. Verdi? Mahler? Philip Glass? No. No, because it will cease to matter in a few decades.

Some art won't of course. Still, many people can't do it, and that must bug them to no end to want to invent this AI - which also cannot function without the stolen input of actual artists, let's not forget!

What I'm fucked up about is that they're using the most original, because least controlled art - and especially writing - to do it. I'm very happy that artists are already protecting their work. No idea how to protect my fic.

And maybe it doesn't matter. Which bigshot would authorise something that undermines their power to be published, even if AI could generate it?

And even if writing would get to be reduced to editing AI generated content, would that not require artistic insight, at least? And wouldn't it take so much time and engagement with an art form that isn't theirs that people are either likely to say, fuck this, I'll write it myself, or fuck this, I'll hire someone to create something good out of this because I don't enjoy it? There's a reason why people become directors and producers instead of artists and writers.

And if you have to hire AI 'editors' for your scripts only to keep the knotting and heats out of your show, don't you, again, ultimately end up with a bunch of, you've guessed it, writers? Or is there going to be an editor's strike in future, demanding better conditions? Same for artists?

Or can AI really replace humans completely? Sign off on its own storylines? Know what is and isn't acceptable?

And if it can, would we really not notice?

People are already sick of all the endless variations on a theme. They crave comfort, yes, but also novelty. And even if the AI could be trained on counterculture novelty, if you force it to stay within some kind of Hayes code, it can't do that, either. And if you'd remove that, what is the point of AI? Those things are, first and foremost, censoring machines. I mean, they can't solve the problem of people not being able to do it because they still wouldn't be able to do it. They can merely stop other humans from undermining them by using this.

But then the question becomes, say, you want a new episode of Succession, and you feed it all the old episodes of Succession and all the fic ever written, and you filter all the undesirableness out of it beforehand and you give it to one (1) underpaid editor, could it do it?

What if there's no fic to be had? What if there's not even an outline to be had?

If the answer is Yes, well. That's... that's weird. Although I think it's hardly going to stop people from being creative. You can stream all the Nutcrackers in the world and people still go to see it live. People will still make art without being paid for it because they are not getting paid much now, either. So you can't stop originality or dissent completely. The Nazis couldn't. The communists couldn't. Why could Hollywood?

And nobody is watching chess matches between two computers, even though they're technically superior to people already. Somehow, we seem to enjoy the fail margin.

If the answer is No, then it is only an acceleration of what they're already doing, hire fewer people to regurgitate the same old things. Which is showing diminishing returns, they must see that, right? Box office is down, and going for unlimited growth only destroys industries?

What problem is this supposed to fix?

No, seriously, what is this for?

[pearlstarlight5]

Edit 2/12/23: I returned to the vocal synth fandom, I missed the programs, I missed my forum squad, and I missed the characters and music. And basically the tldr of this rant: I'm a temperamental artist who goes through waves like Miyazaki himself.

I'm leaving the vocal synth fandom, I can't do it anymore. I'm done being a YouTuber and I've had it with liking this or hating that just to impress some people. But it's not over for using vocal synths at all. I still want to do music and I still want to keep using vocal synths, so I will continue to make vocal synth originals away from the fandom, make instrumental stuff, and I'm interested in singing some of my songs myself. Additionally, I really want to finish Deci Mal VCCV and I'm excited to get the Solaria and Asterian's boxes.

So what has changed: I'm not deactivating anything now, but I may deactivate my forum accounts in the future. My YouTube channels stay but I'm leaving them to dry. Finally, I have discontinued public distribution of Deci Mal, she is now a private Utau again. I can't control what people do with my Utau, so it's up to whoever downloaded her to decide her future in the fandom space, but not her future in total. Her future in total is that I will continue to use her prominently. She's the mascot of my music and she's as important to me as Psya. I'll just need to engage with the fandom one more time to contact PaintedCz on using her commercially since I'm using their voicebank format and they want to be notified. I will respect this condition.

One question I have is if or when I will upload music again. If I decide to upload again, chances are I'll start a Soundcloud or turn back off comments on YouTube.

Now that the most important stuff is out of the way, I will use the remainder of this post to explain why I left the vocal synth fandom and commenting on the ethics of vocal synths in general.

Why I left

There are several reasons that I have come to this decision, some can be explained much more simply than others:

-I spent all of 2022 without a real, committed break that lasted over a week. That's not healthy for any fandom or interest. If leaving the fandom is the only way I can take a true break, that's fine by me.

-I experienced burnout or the possibility of burnout so many times and I forced myself to do something in vocal synths anyway to beat it. This isn't healthy either.

-The final straw was when I posted Time to Unwind. I already didn't feel happiness or satisfaction when it was done because I had just fought myself over the idea that I shouldn't use SynthVs in original songs, but then finding that it got barely any attention made me feel worthless.

-Related to the previous point, I was also going through a bad anxiety attack for the last week of December and while that was not the cause or the only fuel, it was a factor in my fear.

And then there's SynthV, which warrants its own section

Synthesizer V and the ethics of vocal synths

My problems with SynthV and the SynthV fandom

-Dreamtonics's samey-ness in their letter series eventually made it hard to feel anything about new releases. Last Christmas they announced a male rock voice and I literally didn't give a shit. I'm so sick of that cycle and if I don't leave now, it's gonna get worse in 2023.

-Until today, I lurked on SynthV Twitter to find news and gossip. Instead, I find psychos who are overly anal about SynthV being the superior vocal synth and want to see it enter the mainstream, especially the one with a creepy obsession with a stick figure. It's not pretty when you dislike the stick figure with that person in the room.

-Vocaverse Network goes through waves of hating SynthV and hyping SynthV. It's extremely exhausting. It also contains members who want to see it become mainstream.

My biggest concern with SynthV lately is the fear of it going mainstream because the voices are realistic. While the SynthV fandom was excited about that plane company using Solaria, I felt a sense of dread.

My problems with the idea of SynthV going mainstream are:

-More people in the fandom, more problems in the fandom

-Technology has a history of making things obsolete. Computers are more popular than typewriters, email is more popular than real letters, executives in the animation industry killed 2D animation's place in the mainstream to replace it with 3D animation. I just hope I can trust people to not let AI generated paragraphs succeed.

-So, it's true that human singers are bound by labels and corporations, but what would it say about the music industry if the singers weren't people anymore? Instead of people bound by companies, you have products bound by companies, and then what are the people gonna do? Voice the product? That's still so much less human singing than singing all those songs for real.

-And adding to the previous point if I may, for those who want a SynthV monopoly on vocal synths: if it's not okay for Yamaha to have a monopoly with Vocaloid, it shouldn't be okay to encourage Dreamtonics to monopolize the vocal synth industry with SynthV.

-And for those who do want SynthV mainstream, they act like their way of life is morally superior, but just because you're doing something, doesn't mean it's right. While SynthV is a much better compromise to the AI revolution than AI art using people's art without consent or compensation, it doesn't mean that SynthV is not a risk to the music industry as illustrated in my previous points.

-And for the argument that SynthV is better for the environment, I wouldn't be positively sure about that. For instance, does anyone know what is powering the equipment and technology required to create voice databases? For all we know, it's like saying Disney is good for the environment when their movies require a stupid amount of processing power to make. Ultimately, the first world way of life requires other people to suffer, and if you don't want anyone to suffer, you must be willing to sacrifice and suffer yourself.

Well, if SynthV's so bad, what about other vocal synths.

First, the case with Vocaloid: Vocaloid was at first the most unethical vocal synth because it was outright designed to replace humans. Hatsune Miku turned it into the doujin circle and started the movement to make it its own genre/alternative music scene instead. Basically, even if one day technology takes over the world, I see Hatsune Miku as an ally to humans willing to coexist with us.

CeVIO: Continues the doujin scene that Vocaloid abandoned.

Utau: Was designed with doujin Vocaloid in mind if you want to join but aren't rich. It is actually the most ethical vocal synth because it puts vocal synths in the hands of the people instead of corporations (one problem I have with the Vocaloid fandom is that they take Yamaha way too lightly...). This makes DeepVocal good too.

Conclusion

Let me make myself clear that as much as I ranted about SynthV, I'm not against the use of it. It does something truly amazing with technology and I have fun using it. I just fear its misuse.

If you read this entire thing, thank you for your time. I will finish this post with this closing statement:

SuperStarXD is dead

PearlStarLight5 has fled

And I will live

[misiwrites]

4KINGDOMS RE-READ ADVENTURE part 6

it's been a while. i got back in hopes of finding motivation to keep editing the next chapter to post

Chapter 23: rei being dramatic about max part 154349605 (is there any other content in this entire fic, well yes when it's takao and kai instead)

rei just sounds like he's massively in love with max. already. the story has barely started

wheezed at giancarlo attempting to explain to rei what an answering machine is and rei is just I DONT CARE

this part where giancarlo finds max collapsed and all wet sounds familiar. tfw it's supposed to be rare or "impossible" for max to soak himself and he's already done it twice in this story. i want to think i wrote this in as a prelude to the latter because

He had multiple types of magic to become untouchable by water, too. Unless he really was being threatened by something, there was no way he’d become incapable of using any all of a sudden.

yes indeed! isn't it so!

Chapter 24: heterosexuality takes max to his bed

this one just casually starts off with max describing himself as "a lump of raw meat on a butcher's bench" i-- yes that's your life in my fics. nice that you noticed

so this is where max sees rei with mao and realises oh shit that hurts. oh shit i think i like him. and then he's like "Please, Goddess, if it’s like this, I don’t want it" HAHA brutal. i like it. this chapter had several okay-sounding lines? looks like the curse of the previous batch that i read has been lifted because these aren't as bad. i did some minor editing for more dramatic effect tho lol

Chapter 25: takao finds out that kai, who doesn't know what friends are, has made a friend

i keep repeating takao talking about "cotton candy clouds" and i think it's not intentional but it makes it sound like he's constantly thinking about candy. let's say it's the kind of deal where if you repeat something enough (by accident) it becomes a motif

so takao has a dream about seiryuu that feels like it's trying to tell him something… hmm now what could that be. seiryuu is just a big ass snek floating on the sky in the dream.

gramps casually announces that takao and kai will do a fencing match together next week. it's pretty funny really how ryuunosuke in this story is somehow a mentor figure to both rei and kai. in very different ways but still

i feel like this sums up takao and kai's relationship:

I wanted to imagine that we’d spent a fairly good first week together, even if I hadn't exactly had a single decent conversation with Kai yet.

there's a bit about ralf finding out that takao's been talking to souichirou and takao is like yeah sorry! i won't lie to you again. [proceeds to constantly lie to him throughout the story] so clearly that didn't work out

Chapter 26: max lies in bed. that's it that's the chapter

it's the gay reimax stuff. again. i'll just say i like this passage:

I closed my eyes and lowered my head to place a cheek against my arm, listening to him talk without actually listening to a single word. His voice was like a brook, a delicate spring that I could have listened softly trickle down to my ear for hours on end. And then I thought of all the words said in his voice that would never be meant for me.

the max introspection really ramps up. his thoughts flow really well here, he's so aware of being a jealous little shit when really he's supposed to be happy that rei's got mao.

then judy comes over to his bed like i know you're sick and all but get a grip son. you're cringe

Chapter 27: did i already mention this fic is heavier on the reimax than i maybe realised?

i can't believe the chapter numbers are briefly almost even here. then max chapters just POOF! stop being a thing and he falls behind

anyway so rei is to olivier like. man i'm so fucking bored here that i may kill myself if you don't let me watch movies or whatever. and olivier says: no

actually. this just made me laugh out loud:

Olivier’s response was a nonchalant “no” and that I should either hone my calligraphy skills or learn to paint if I was so bored[…]

"hmm, no! but have you considered: art✨"

AS DID THIS:

I now felt so sick from worry that the green tea I’d had earlier was making its way back up my throat. I could only place my hopes on Giancarlo to stop Max from doing anything stupid.

Giancarlo did not stop Max from doing something stupid.

sooo max is a stupid gay idiot and comes to rei's place sick just to give him a DVD player. cute little detail also that rei charges all the devices with his magic (without realising it)

ah my favourite. when max realises that brushes in the west are human-sized

mao mentions the idea that she'd want to host a ball! ball mentioned! the BALL HAS BEEN DROPPED

max is embarrassed about feeling disgusted by having seen rei and mao together. rei is embarrassed about feeling disgusted by mao hinting at their wedding. they are a delightful disaster! there was exactly one takao chapter in here i'm sorry. for any readers out there. because someone evidently has read this? why

[timeoverload]

I feel like an asshole. I shouldn't have said what I said. I suppose it was sort of a trauma response. Sometimes I just need some reassurance that won't happen to me again. Unfortunately healing isn't linear and sometimes I have bad moments like that. I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I guess it scared me because it seems like you are more focused on one person more than anyone else and I don't understand that. I would like some clarification because it would make me feel better but I understand if you don't want to give me that. You can look at whatever you want as long as you aren't acting on anything... maybe I just don't want to know what you are looking at all the time. I shouldn't have looked. I don't really like it but I'm not really allowed to have an opinion on that. I am guilty of looking at things sometimes too but I don't want to share about that. I am sure you would have a similar reaction if the roles were reversed. It's normal. I can't expect you to agree with me on everything anyway. I am not trying to embarrass you but I know I did. I am sorry Maxwell. I wish that we could have conversations like this face to face. I would much rather deal with problems that way. I don't want everyone else reading about it. Sometimes I miss when you were the only person that looked at my blog because I felt like we had some privacy but now everything is out in the open. I don't think I would have blown up like that if we could talk things out. I don't like to argue. I will try harder to keep my bad feelings to myself. I hope you understand that I don't want to hurt you but I know I did. I understand if you are still upset with me. You are my whole world and I don't want to lose you. You are very special. I don't want to run away from you. Every time I try I get very sick. That hasn't happened with anyone else. I hate fighting with you. I love you.

💖💖💖

Since I don't really post pictures of myself, I decided that maybe I should share one since I feel like I owe you something. I don't know if it is going to make you happy or not but I'm going to do it anyway. I usually spend a long time getting ready if I'm planning on taking pictures but I didn't do that this time. I am too tired. This is what I look like right now. I didn't edit this at all. It's not the best picture but whatever. My hair is greasy and I'm not wearing make-up. Oh well, here ya go.

Anyway, I definitely needed to give myself time to calm down before I wrote this. The past couple days have been a nightmare. My moods have been shifting like crazy. I really haven't been in the best state of mind. The past month I have barely been eating and it's starting to catch up with me. It's getting worse and more painful. All I've eaten today is half a muffin because I was so nauseated all day. I have cut down on caffeine and it hasn't helped my appetite. I'm struggling a lot. I just don't want to eat anything because it's so uncomfortable. Solid food has been my enemy lately. I've been drinking boost in order to keep moving. My heart has been fluttering a lot. I'm feeling like I don't want to be alive because I am so miserable. I'm not going to hurt myself even though I have thought about it. Don't worry, I am not going to act on it. I just feel very alone and I am in pain most of the time. I know people are listening but I can't understand why nothing is changing. It is very confusing for me. It is probably my fault but I'm not exactly sure what I'm doing wrong because no one has communicated with me. I think maybe I have taken my emotions out on other people unintentionally. I don't know what is going on half the time. I forgot to take my lamotrigine over the weekend and it made me feel so bad which probably contributed to my episode. I haven't been sleeping well. I was so stressed out last night that I tossed and turned for hours. I couldn't get comfortable. I think I only slept an hour.

I had to leave 30 minutes early today because I felt like I was going to collapse on the floor. I stayed late last night anyway so it wasn't a big deal. I don't remember the drive home. I feel slightly better now that I'm sitting. I really think I should just check myself into the hospital sometime because I don't feel good but I am scared to try to get help. I don't know if it will do any good and it's expensive so I will probably avoid going as long as possible.

I am still very stressed about my mom. Everyone has been trying to contact her all week and no one has heard back from her. She hasn't been active on social media like she usually is. I don't think she has any idea what is going on. I did get a phone call from the hospital this afternoon and they told me she was there again but she was discharged this morning. I don't know when she went back and I'm not sure what sort of problems she is having right now. The lady I talked to couldn't give me a lot of information. It's good to know that she is alive but I don't know where she is now. I wish they would have contacted me while she was still there so that's frustrating. I want to talk to her myself. She texted me right after I typed that so that was really weird. She said she is alright so that's really good news. She hasn't said anything else even though I asked a bunch of questions. I am happy I heard something from her at least. I am going to try to convince her to give me permission to call her at the shelter. I'm not sure how that is going to go. I will just have to wait and see.

I suppose I should spend the rest of the night filling my queue back up. I will try to eat something. I still need to finish my muffin. I truly hope that the rest of the week is better. I apologize again for my erratic behavior. I will be better.

I hope that everyone has a great day tomorrow. :) Thank you for putting up with me. 💖💖💖

[redrobinfection]

(14) Chills

SociallyAwkwardFox’s Spooktober - Day 14 “Chills”

JayTim | Established Relationship | Food Poisoning | Foodborne Illness | Vomiting | Mentions of other bodily fluids | Sick fic | Want to write with me? Find the prompt list here!

~*~

"Hey! You alive in here?" Tim calls as he enters Jason's safehouse, carefully balancing a shopping bag of 'goodies' on his hip and ducking low to avoid snagging his backpack on the frame as he steps through the window.

A bedraggled head sticks out of the bathroom doorway at half the height one would expect. "Tim? You shouldn't be here," Jason croaks, hauling himself to his feet with the support of the door frame. He looks awful, face pale, cheeks flushed, and dark circles under his eyes. It's only been a day and a half since his symptoms appeared, including copious vomiting, but he already looks gaunt and hollowed out.

Tim ignores him, continues on into the little kitchen, and begins unloading his supplies onto the counter. He's brought an arsenal of medical supplies: anti-nausea meds, antibiotics, fluids and electrolytes - both IV and oral - various disease test kits, portable diagnostic equipment, as well as broths and soups sent straight from Alfred along with saltine crackers, sports drinks, ginger teas, and ginger ale for when Jason’s appetite comes back. He loads the soup containers, drinks and antibiotics into the fridge, keeping his back turned even as he hears Jason shuffle into the kitchen.

"Let me rephrase that: you can't be here. I'm sick. I've got a fever and chills and I've been hurling my guts out of both ends all night and all day. It isn't safe for you," Jason tells him, hovering at the edge of the kitchen like he wants to step forward and shake Tim by the shoulders but knows he shouldn't.

Tim turns and closes the distance between them in two quick steps, raising a thermometer to Jason's temple while laying the back of his hand across his forehead. Jason startles a second too late.

"T-Tim! What are you doing?! Get away!" He tries to back up, but bumps into the wrap-around counter, knees buckling. Tim grips his forearm firmly to bolster him and follows diligently, holding the thermometer steady until he hears a beep.

"One hundred point nine," Tim reads off, nodding sagely. "That's not too bad. Overall, how are you feeling? Have you been able to keep down any fluids in the past twelve hours?" he asks as he pinches the skin of Jason's forearm to perform the skin elasticity test for gauging dehydration. "Mmm, from that I'm going to say 'no' or 'not enough', huh?"

Jason swats away his hand wildly then leans back over the counter away from the other hand Tim lifts undeterred to pull down Jason's lower eyelid in order to gauge the sunkenness of his eyes.

"Wha-wha-what are you doing?" Jason pants, eyes wild. "You can't be here, I have the flu; you can't touch me, I'm going to get you sick!"

Tim shakes his head, but takes a step back, making soothing motions with his hands. "It's fine, Jason, I made sure to--"

"It's not f-f-fine!" Jason hisses, teeth chattering with a full body shiver. "You could die, Spleen-less Wonder!"

Tim raises his eyebrows. "If you would stop running away from me for five minutes, or stop to answer my calls then you’d--"

"I w-was ru-ru-running to protect you!"

Five minutes after his first episode of vomiting, Jason had run out of Tim's apartment like the building was on fire, and then proceeded to lead Tim on a very bizarre game of tag through five separate safehouses over the past day and a half. Tim had been half convinced their wild chase would end with him finding Jason passed out in the street, or on some rooftop, between one place and the next. He still wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry or tear his hair out over the whole thing. Probably all of the above.

"I th-th-thought you'd given up by now!"

No, he hadn’t given up, but Tim also hadn't wanted to find Jason passed out in the street somewhere, so he had given Jason space and watched from a distance while he gathered evidence and ran tests.

He reaches into his back pocket, unfolds a Batcomputer print-out and shoves it into Jason's face. Jason frowns as he leans in to read the fine print.

"These are the results of comprehensive pathogen testing on a sample of stool and a sample of the foods we consumed the other night," Tim explains to him. "The tests are conclusive: you have food poisoning, not the flu. The food you ate and your stool both test positive for salmonella."

Jason blinks and his eyes dart to Tim with a flash of worry. "But... but you're okay? You didn't eat any of the contaminated foods?"

Tim smiles warmly at Jason for his concern and shakes his head. "No. Alfred and I are pretty sure it was contained to the sausage on your pizza. We didn't find salmonella in anything else and I didn't eat any of yours, only my own."

"Oh, thank fuck," Jason sighs in relief, sagging back into the counter. "Wait," he freezes, pinning Tim with an odd look, "Did you say stool? How the hell did you get a sample of my shit! When?!"

Tim snorts. "I mean, you did leave an incredible wake of contamination in your path as you fled from place to place." Jason glares and Tim shrugs. "You, uh, forgot to flush the toilet at your second stop. I collected it there."

Jason narrows his eyes. "Even if this is food poisoning, you still have to be careful collecting food samples, touching me, touching my shit--literal and figurative... Jeez, if you get a salmonella infection, that could fuck you up for the long term, Babybird."

Tim nods. "I know. I brought gloves, disinfectant, and plenty of hand soap. I plan to be careful. Alfred will never let me hear the end of it if I'm not."

Jason doesn't look happy about it, but he nods his acceptance, trembling as another chill wracks his body with violent shivers. Tim's brow crinkles in concern. He turns to scoop up some of his supplies then steers Jason toward the couch with a light touch on his elbow.

"Why don't you go get settled on the couch while I prep some fluids for you. I'm guessing you haven't been holding much down--or in--for more than a few minutes at a time?"

"Try not at all," Jason croaks as he subconsciously pulls his elbow away and shuffles to the couch on his own.

Tim grimaces in sympathy. "The diarrhea hasn't let up either?"

"Nope."

"Has there been any blood in your stool?"

Jason makes a face. "No," he gasps, gagging slightly. "Ugh. Can you grab me a bucket or something while you're at it?"

"On it."

Tim brings Jason his sick pail, then proceeds to take more vitals and pulls a blood sample to send along to Alfred. Jason suffers through it with as much grace as he can summon between breaks to gag and retch into his bucket.

"The last thing we need is for the infection to get into your blood, so I brought antibiotics along just in case," Tim tells him.

"The last thing we need is for the infection to get into your blood!" Jason shoots back hoarsely as he comes up from another round of vomiting.

"Don't worry, besides taking sanitary precautions, Alfred started me on a course of preventative antibiotics, just in case I did ingest contaminated material and haven't begun showing symptoms," Tim reassures as he begins prepping Jason’s forearm for the IV.

"Wha-what if you get sick? What am I supposed to do then?"

"Alfred will be by shortly to pick up the blood sample and check up on us, and if at any point I start to show symptoms, you or I are supposed to call Leslie immediately. The alternative is for you to return with me to the Manor." Tim wrinkles his nose to say what he thinks of that alternative.

"Nope. Here s-sounds g-g-good," Jason replies, teeth still chattering. Tim finishes inserting the catheter, starts up the fluids, tapes and then wraps the IV site.

"Okay, that should be good to go for a while. We'll know in a few hours if you'll need the IV antibiotics. For now…" he trails off, taking in the small, nearly empty safehouse and then the shivering form of one miserable Jason Todd. "How about we cuddle up on the couch and binge some Netflix?"

"I don't have a TV."

Tim smirks. "Do you think I go anywhere without my laptop and an unlimited 4G data plan?"

He sets up his laptop on a tray table in front of the couch and retrieves several clean blankets from the hall closet. He drapes two of the blankets across Jason's shoulders, which he accepts with a murmur of appreciation, then seats himself beside Jason and spreads another across their laps. He cuddles up to Jason and attempts to wrap an arm around him, his shorter stature be damned.

"Wh-wh-what are you doing?" Jason stutters, leaning away with a comically alarmed expression.

"You've got the chills, so I brought you some blankets and I’m snuggling you?”

"No, why are you practically on top of me! What if I throw up on you?" Jason wails, attempting to push away. Tim pulls him close and hands him the sick pail.

"You're a crack shot, Jay, so I trust that you won't miss at point blank," he teases.

Jason glares balefully, but gives up trying to pull free. "You're still gonna get sick…" he grumbles.

"I doubt it, but if that's a risk I have to take to snuggle you, then I'll take it."

Jason sags into him and grumbles under his breath.

"What was that?"

"I said you're an idiot with a d-d-death wish," Jason growls between shivers.

Tim chuckles and squeezes his shoulder. "Whoa, there, Jay, I think you need to chill out."

"Tim."

[teklarn]

hi, this is my first ever ask so I'm not sure I'm doing this correctly, if that's the case I'm sorry; I don't know how tumblr works just yet >:')

would it be possible for you to write something about bakugo, pining incredibly hard for fem!reader and initially hating how strongly he feels about her? because they're not even friends, they only exchange few words occasionally and she doesn't even glance at his way whereas he slowly finds himself unable to divert his eyes from her during classes? shes always with damn deku and his friends and doesn't even seem interested in him at all but his heart can't ignore the way she looks at him proudly whenever they spar together, the way she sends him small confident smiles as they fight each other with all they have; so he thinks that maybe, maybe he might have a chance. basically bakugo liking reader so much he's completely lost in self-hatred because he always thought feelings were for weak romantics and not great people like him, but everytime he sees reader doing some badass things (again, like sparring with him and basically matching his skills etc...) he's reminded of how badly he likes reader? but when he finally accepts he's fallen for reader, after ignoring and trying to forget about how she makes him feel, he masters up the courage to confess? and it's a very clumsy confession because he's awkward and has no idea how to deal with those feelings? and he tries so hard to make reader realise he's never been more serious than now? and reader is startled and speechless before rejecting him? and at that point he's just completely humiliated, so he nods and walks away.

it might be a little dramatic but I've always been into unrequited love and one-sided pining. thank you, its okay if you don't want to write about this, i'll understand <33

𝓫𝓻𝓾𝓽𝓪𝓵 - 𝓴. 𝓫𝓪𝓴𝓾𝓰𝓸𝓾

character(s): katsuki bakugou x fem!reader (my hero academia) 

reblogs are greatly appreciated! 

a/n: AHHHHH this is so cute <33 honestly this is super exciting for me and this ask made me so happy, lovey. i’m fairly new to tumblr, i’m usually just a reader but i wanted to migrate here from wattpad so this made me so happy. here u are my love <33 i hope this lives up to what u wanted !! :)) a bit lengthy, but i had a lot of fun writing it !!! 

summary: bakugou finds he’s rejecting his feelings for you in fear of becoming weak, however he just can’t seem to ignore you. 

genre: fluffy, fluffier than the clouds istg, however the clouds are sprinking a little teeny weeny droplet of angst. 

warnings: cursing (bakugou, duhh), one-sided pining (on bakugou’s part) second hand embarrassment (on bakugou’s part bc we can all agree he’s a complete idiot when it comes to trying to get someone’s attention), just bakugou being a jackass, i gave the reader a quirk 

word count: 3,859 

(pls excuse any typos or mistakes, i edited to the best of my ability but i miss some things sometimes !) 

- - - 

part 2 is here my loves <3

brutal. it was utterly ruthless. he couldn’t focus, couldn’t think right. his hands were already exceptionally sweaty, but gosh when he saw your damn face, he was ready to explode. literally. 

what the hell was it about you? was it your stupid smile? or the way you just seemed to carry every battle on your back? was it all the undeniably sweet things you do for others ‘just because’? 

it made him angry that he thought about you, but gosh he couldn’t wait to see you every day. 

just like any other day, bakugou found himself staring at the large door to the classroom, awaiting the moment you would bounce into his day, skirt shifting around your legs, bag slung loosely around your shoulders. 

his leg was bouncing eagerly. 

bakugou didn’t know when the feelings came. his cheeks just started flaring up all of a sudden and one day you just looked...different. you hadn’t done anything different to yourself. it was just him. not that he would ever admit that, to you or anybody else. 

you were insufferable. you were stupid and obnoxious and so...so damn... 

“y/n! come look at this!” 

you’d come walking into class just as expected, and as soon as you did, that stupid nerd had called you over. 

it didn’t help that deku sat right behind him, either. the two of you had recently gotten closer. bakugou noticed it last month when he yelled at the two of you to shut up about all might and get to work. he’d turned around to find you leaning over deku, hands resting on his shoulders while you peered at his phone. 

“sorry, bakugou,” you’d said, barely acknowledging him. you had waved him off like an annoying fly. is that all you were to him? some nuisance that got in the way of your oh-so-entertaining conversations with deku? 

all he heard nearly every day was your chipper voice talking to deku. always, “oh my gosh, midoriya, did you see the fight edgeshot was in last night?” or “midoriya! i have something to add to our quirk analysis book!” 

that was the one that took the cake. you two dorks shared a notebook, occasionally passed between one another, and filled it with junk about quirks and pro heroes. but no matter how much he tried to tune you out, no matter how he tried to zone off and think about something else, you were always there. it made him want to vomit how much he thought about you. 

you were doing an adorable shuffle over to midoriya’s desk and leaned over the table as you usually did while he angled his phone your way. “did you see this hero report?” 

deku let you slip the phone out of his grasp to get a better look. 

“no,” you breathed. “was this just recent?” 

“yeah,” deku said, taking the phone back. “last night.” 

“holy—” 

“can you guys shut up over there?” bakugou said, his voice quaking. 

“sorry, kacchan.” deku scrolled through the article. 

dammit, bakugou thought. “i wasn’t talking to you, nerd. i was talking to shitface over here.” he jerked his head towards you. his eyes flared in anger when he saw you were looking down at your phone, now focused in on the article yourself. “i was talking to you, asshat!” 

your eyes flicked up to his. you looked around for a moment before slowly pointing to yourself as if to say, “me?” 

his face scrunched. “yeah, you. you’re so damn loud.” gosh, he hated how his voice was cracking, how he could feel his ears and cheeks lighting up in a swollen, cherry red. his stomach flipped. 

she’s looking at you, gosh i’m sweating. i’m going to throw up. she’s so gorgeous. what the hell? they’re ugly as shit, i don’t think anything of them. 

his eyes bore into yours. 

“did you...need something?” 

your voice broke his trance. 

“kacchan, are you okay? you dozed off there for a second. you look like you’re burning up.” 

bakugou looked to deku who was currently stretching out of his seat, arm extended. he pressed the back of his hand to bakugou’s forehead. “you’re really warm, kacchan. should we call recovery girl?” 

it took him a moment to realize what was happening. his vision got blurry every time he was with you. bakugou smacked deku’s hand away. “i’m fine!” his voice lifted at the end, cracking. “i’m not sick. don’t you think i’d take better care of myself?” 

“i don’t doubt you take good care of yourself, kacchan, but everyone gets sick once in a while. there’s nothing wrong with that.” 

“i never get sick!” besides, if i got sick, i wouldn’t want you to be the one taking care of me. 

he was still pissed. he was always in a bad mood, however, more so right now because you’d gone straight back to your phone and that stupid hero article that was supposedly so damn interesting. 

soon enough, the bell rang, and you were seated at your desk. it was jirou’s old spot, however, after much convincing, you two had switched spots so you could be closer to deku. just a few months of getting close to the idiot and you two are suddenly best friends. jirou hadn’t minded one tiny bit, claiming she needed a break from how loud that section of the room was. 

late as always, aizawa came trudging into your room. thankfully, his entire body wasn’t obscured by a yellow sleeping bag that smelled of something unwashed and coffee and gasoline. (for some reason, aizawa’s clothes always smelled of it.) 

“lucky for you,” he began while shuffling papers on his desk, “all of you are doing training for these first periods.”

the class cheered in perfect unison, followed by their individual chatter. you had erupted with glee along with them, and bakugou was sure he felt his heart clench and then explode. just a tiny bit. but he shoved the feeling down just as quickly as it had come up. 

“go out to the field and wait for further instructions. don’t make a sound in the halls otherwise, i’ll expel all of you.” 

this shut everyone up in almost a second, the sound draining out just as water does. the first years trailed out into the hall, single-file mimicking the positions baby ducklings would take when following their mother. 

bakugou found himself walking faster when he saw you take up your spot in the line, hoping to land his spot right behind you. 

unfortunately, this idiot who considered himself bakugou’s friend tugged him back. “bakugou!” a familiar voice rasped. 

“shitty hair, let go of me.” 

“hey man, chill out. wanna partner up if we’re doing training in pairs?” 

bakugou glanced at the line, the spot that should have been reserved for him now taken up by sato. 

bakugou tugged his sleeve from kirishima’s hand. “whatever,” he snapped. 

“sounds good!” kirishima flashed him a toothy grin and a thumbs-up. the bubbly feeling in bakugou’s chest died down as he stood behind sato, the overwhelming scent of sugar filling his nose, various candies that would go straight to your arteries. 

“you smell like ass, damn,” bakugou remarked, squeezing his nostrils together. 

luckily, sato was tall enough to not hear the insult, as he towered over bakugou by just another head. the line began moving like a sloppy train down to the change rooms. 

bakugou scoffed as he listened to your giggle. he should be making you laugh. 

- 

“you’ll be given partners randomly from this box.” aizawa held up a familiar red box. “inside are all your names. i’ll select one, then that person will come up and pick another name from the box. that will be your assigned partner for today. as soon as you have your assigned partner, i want you guys to get straight to work.” 

denki raised a hand, speaking before being called on. “sensei, why are we getting random partners? we’re always allowed to choose.” 

“in the real world, you’re going to come across different villains every day. you’ll never improve your skills or your quirks if you keep fighting the same person.” 

denki sighed, slumping back. 

dammit, bakugou thought, gritting his teeth together. there wasn’t any way he wanted to be partners with you. it’s obvious he’d win the fight in the first few seconds. 

yes! exactly right! bakugou internally grinned. his fluctuating feelings had finally soothed themselves. you were just another extra, and he had no room for you in his head. 

aizawa took a moment to fiddle with the slips of paper inside the box. soon enough, he pulled out a name. “todoroki.” 

todoroki walked up, digging his hand into the box when aizawa held it out for him. he pulled out a name, delicately unraveling the slip. “uraraka, you’re my partner.” he deadpanned. 

the brunette grinned. “great!” 

the two found their own spot on the field, and the class’s attention was once again diverted to their grouchy teacher as he pulled out another name. 

“bakugou.” 

bakugou strutted up without a worry in his mind. he pulled a name to find... 

“y/n,” he said, voice a low growl. instead of the annoying fluttering in his chest, his eyes met yours, and they were filled with a different, new ferocity. he crumpled the paper in one hand, letting it twirl to the ground. 

you looked at him, unsmiling. your eyes gave away nothing, and to bakugou’s knowledge, all you saw in him was another opponent. 

it took him a moment to realize you had both locked eyes for about a minute. perhaps the two of you would have stayed as you were if aizawa hadn’t snapped at the two of you to get moving as yaomomo’s name was called. 

bakugou was on his way to the back of the field, you followed close behind. while there was plenty of room still, he chose a secluded area. while it was still open enough to view everything going on so nobody got hurt, it was often nobody chose to train here. for whatever reason, you weren’t sure. 

“wait up, bakugou,” you said. after a bit, you caught up to him. 

“if you can’t keep up, then...” then what? he looked at you from the side of his eye. “then don’t keep up...” gosh, here came the embarrassing, disgusting feeling of redness in his cheeks. 

you laughed. “what?” 

“shut up.” 

“you’re an idiot, bakugou.” 

“i said shut the hell up!”

“what, so you can call me shitface in front of the entire class but you get all pissed when i call you an idiot?” 

so you had heard him! 

he tongued his cheek, curling his hands around an invisible ball, explosions sparking in the centers of his palms. “don’t expect me to hold back, dumbass.” 

“i wouldn’t dream of it.” 

gosh he loved that about you. 

bakugou caught his thought in the air. 

ahem...gosh he hated that about you. 

you both charged in at the same time. his cry was louder than yours, but you struck first. 

he admired your quirk. while he’d overhead you explaining all the drawbacks it had, it was strong, and you were strong because you knew how to control it. 

purple arrows flew from your arms, going in your desired directions. if you lost focus for one moment, they’d vanish and weaken. if you focused too hard or long, you’d be plagued by a splitting headache. 

he’d spent too much time obsessing over your strengths and weaknesses.  

your arrows were weightless, however they were solid objects capable of carrying any mass, any thing, and worked as extensions of your body. 

the violet arrow had shot out at him, twisting around his right gauntlet and crushing inwards. it’d snaked around him without him noticing, slithering along his back. 

bakugou struggled to get the air-light arrow off his wrist, but it was no use. he glared back, only to see your focused, furrowed brows. he’d expected to see your cocky ass smiling. it was nice to see you weren’t. 

that was one thing that had also caught his eye. you never underestimate your opponent, but you never underestimate yourself, either. 

you conjured a larger arrow. it snaked around your right arm as you hurled bakugou into the air, releasing your grasp on him. you shot your other arrow into the air, and it raced into the sky. 

it swerved. bakugou’s eyes went wide as the tip of the arrow came down on his chest. if they weren’t intangible things, he would have been bleeding out. 

another drawback: the arrows, while they could solidify, they couldn’t do any actual damage. you had to use your surroundings to inflict harm on your opponent. 

he coughed out as the arrow shot him into the ground. he hadn’t even touched you, and here he was, vulnerable and so...so... 

you stood over him, hands on your hips. 

vulnerable and so lost in that adorable, winning smile. 

“get away from me, idiot,” he grunted and turned onto his side, his back crying out in pain. 

“i think i won this fight, bakugou,” you chirped, rocking on your heels. 

“don’t get arrogant, shithead. you won’t be winning against me anymore.” 

you grinned, arrows shooting out behind your back. 

- 

the dorms were exceptionally quiet. you were typing away in the common room, bakugou on the couch reading. everyone was off doing something else. it was the weekend, luckily. he’d expected you to go bounding out with everyone else, however you’d stayed back, claiming you had some homework to catch up on. 

bakugou being classic bakugou had stayed back. he was excited to have the dorm to himself, but your dumbass was stuck here with him. couldn’t you have done your typing in your room? 

you were so aggressive on that poor keyboard. 

“oi, quiet down with your shit typing.” 

you barely grunted in response. 

“don’t ignore me.” 

“i heard you, mom.” 

“the hell did you call me?” 

no response. only your aggressive typing is a bit less aggressive. 

“i can still hear it,” bakugou remarked, eyes fixed on your back. 

“‘kay,” you said. your typing slowed a tad, and your pressure on the keys lessened. 

it was quiet now. bakugou should go back to his book. he shouldn’t still be looking for a reason to talk to you. 

the pages crinkled in his fingers. he bit his tongue, keeping his snarky comments in. 

“you’re a fucking idiot, you know that? doing your damn homework. it’s due tomorrow.” 

you turned, pursing your lips. “and how would you know what i’m working on? are you stalking me?” 

“i- what? no. you’re such an idiot, of course i’m not—” 

“i’m messing with you,” you breathed, face un-moving. 

“o-oh,” bakugou stuttered out. he blinked awkwardly. 

“gosh, what’s gotten your panties in a twist?” 

“you’re annoying.” 

“you’re a jackass.” you returned to your work. bakugou settled with reading in his room. reading consisted of jumping onto his bed just as the stereotypical high school girl would in an eighties movie. he buried his face in his pillow, face burning bright red. he cursed you for making him feel this way, and hated himself even more for how much he enjoyed it. 

- 

the next day came swiftly. you’d left early to go train with midoriya. there were many improvements needed to be made, but you weren’t doing too bad.

you propelled yourself forwards with an arrow, and your green-haired friend shot back, lightning flickering around his body. 

landing back on the ground, you panted and swiped the sweat from your brow. from the corner of your eye, you could make out both kirishima and bakugou coming to the training grounds. 

bakugou stopped in his tracks, frowning at the sight of you. 

it was evident he hated you a bit more than everyone else. he was always making his annoying comments, he was always snubbing you. you saw no reason to talk to him, so you didn’t. either way, even if you tried, he would still get angry for no reason. 

it’d taken you quite some time to get used to his obnoxious attitude. tuning him out had been the best course of action, in your opinion. 

the way you and midoriya had bonded was through bakugou, in a way. the first day of school, bakugou had snapped at you for tripping over your laces and nearly crashing into him. later that day, midoriya had stepped up and apologized for his old friend’s actions. 

you two had never been too close until now. the recent incidents going on with the league of villains had snagged your attention, and it seemed you were the only person who didn’t mind listening to him ramble on about heroes. 

you were just as passionate and just as dorky, but midoriya could talk your ear off. you never minded, and he always took the hint when you didn’t want to listen. 

you brought your leg up, twirling in the air with ease and watched your heel collide with midoriya’s face. he grunted, stumbling back. 

you were about to charge in again when a hand landed on your shoulder, big and rough. you turned to see bakugou standing behind you, a scowl on his face. 

“fight me again,” he demanded. 

“excuse me?” 

“don’t act like you didn’t hear me.” 

“i’m in the middle of fighting midoriya right now.” 

“so?”

“so if you think that i’m just going to ditch my friend because you want to fight, i won’t.” 

“you’re being stubborn.” 

“i’m being reasonable. back off.” 

“y/n?” midoriya rubbed his jaw—right where you had struck him. “what’s going on?” he jogged up to you and bakugou. 

“he wants to fight me in the middle of our fight. it’s nothing serious. don’t worry about it, midoriya. let’s just ignore him.” 

bakugou made a sound someone would only make if they were choking. “the hell did you just say?” 

“we’re ignoring you!” you waved him off and placed your hand on midoriya’s shoulder, wandering away. 

-

it was new to him, not getting what he wanted. and what he wanted right now was to be around you. again, it wasn’t like he would ever admit that to himself. 

“dude? you good? i thought you went off to fight y/n. i was so ready to cheer you on, dude,” kirishima’s chipper voice piped in. “she’s not fighting with you? why not?” 

“the dumbass was just probably scared of getting her ass beat by me.” 

“dude...that sounds really weird.” 

“whatever, shitty hair. let’s go.” 

- 

the clock ticked. his ears were on fire. again. 

gosh, it was happening again. it was all you. his face scrunched up, his voice would surely crack if someone were to ask him what was wrong. 

bakugou was once again stuffing his face in his pillow, hiding his expression from no one. why did you have to go train with that shitty nerd? why were you always around deku? deku, of all people. what did he have? why was he so great? 

bakugou was a man of many insecurities, but losing to deku? that was possibly his biggest fear. 

perhaps he wasn’t the nicest, or the most soft person out there. bakugou could admit that, at least. but he was smarter than deku. he was stronger and he was better and people liked him more. right? 

what was so...amazing about deku? 

it was often bakugou would find himself obsessing over little, insignificant things such as these. 

you were what he was thinking of most of the time. just yesterday, he’d gotten a test returned. he was expecting an eighty at the lowest, but more so expecting a high ninety. it’d come back exactly sixty percent. 

sixty. percent.

bakugou vividly remembered staring at your face. he also remembered not being able to focus because of it. his grades were dropping because of you. 

you were the only person to be able to do this to him. 

his heart grew quiet, but the pounding of his didn’t cease. he lifted his head. 

“alright, fine,” he said aloud. “you win, y/n. you win.” 

he settled with getting over his feelings the way he’d read them in his collection of romance manga. 

bakugou left his room and knocked on your door. (he was banging on it, but it was his nice way of knocking.) 

you answered, looking around awkwardly. “yes?” 

his hands shook. how was this supposed to go? sure, he’d seen it in romance movies and read it in books but it was always easy to tell whether the guy would get the girl or not. 

in this instance, bakugou was clueless. for once in his life, he was clueless. you stood, tapping your foot with a hand on your hip, waiting expectantly for him to tell you why he was here. 

“um.” he scratched behind his neck. “you uh- i uh...i’m sorry i called you a, um...a shitface.” 

“okay? is that it?” 

what? come on! it was already unlike him to apologize. what else did you want from him? 

“did you...i’ve been thinking, maybe? maybe we could..train together as...friends?”  

“...what?” 

gosh dammit, as friends? 

“whatever, um...the uh...” oh gosh, what did the boys do in all the books he’d read? right! bakugou stretched out his arm, resting his forearm on the door, leaning to the side. 

although he didn’t, really, because like the clumsy jackass he was, bakugou missed completely and nearly toppled to the floor. 

this earned a snicker from you. 

his stomach flipped and churned, and bakugou found himself unable to reach your eyes. “uh, would you maybe..? okay, um. do you want to go on a date with me? you absolute fucking dumbass.” 

your eyes flew wide. “...what?” 

“no, that’s not what i— i mean i didn’t mean the last part. um, i meant the first part. the first two parts. the part where i was asking you if you wanted to go on a date with me and then before that when i said maybe because it’s still a maybe until you say yes. or...or no because that’s an option too.” 

he swallowed. 

you resisted the urge to mock him, just a little bit. “um, bakugou, listen.” 

he leaned closer. “yes?” 

“it’s going to be a no. i’m sorry, but i’m just not interested in you like that.” 

it took him a moment to register everything. his shoulders sagged. gosh that was brutal. 

“oh, alright.” 

“yeah, uh, sorry about that.” you offered him a weak smile, still a bit shocked yourself. he did his best to return it, and when you closed the door, his face was ready to explode. 

it was so damn difficult to deal with these feelings, but maybe it was better this way. knowing where you stood on your end, he knew he wouldn’t miss out on anything. 

perhaps it was alright to admire from afar. things could happen in the future, right? 

right now, he’d just wait. for a long, long time. bakugou pressed a hand to his chest, feeling his erratic heartbeat. maybe it was alright to not have you right now. perhaps he could better himself for you. just for you. 

[deviltoys]

IMPORTANT! PLEASE READ!

hey, kevin here, i apologize that somethin' of this matter is being posted so late like this and so sudden. i won't be typing as i usually do as the accusations here are a serious matter and there won't be a need for my usual, light-hearted typing style.

it has come to my attention, though this information has been kept private for maybe a month, two? but has only just recently been brought to my attention by a good friend of mine. the claims were sent to him over instagram by my ex; kai or huhrizon. the photo will be attached below in which, kai, is laughing about the fact he believes he's found out that i am a minor. more specifically, fifteen. which couldn't be farther from the truth, this thread will be debunking and defending myself before he can come out and express these fabricated lies to try and ruin my reputation because he's upset that i wasn't ready for a relationship.

kai messaging mattia over the fact he believes he has uncovered 'my mother's facebook profile'. which will be debunked below.

very interesting that you decided to not only, try to uncover things about my identity after i politely explained to you that i no longer wanted to pursue a relationship, but that you're brewing up fake rumours just to try to get back at me for it.

onto the main claim. kai has been professing, that i, am infact a fifteen year old falsifying his age online. the reason he believes these claims are that, one, he found my mother's facebook profile. and two, that there was a photo on there of me, with the caption 'happy birthday kevin' posted onto the account. mattia has explained to me that this photo isn't here to be displayed as evidence, solely because kai sent the picture through instagram's vanish mode.

* this mode automatically deletes anything sent after the chat is closed.

mattia informed me that this photo was overall suspicious though as kai had blurred out the user's facebook handle. very odd indeed kai, very odd. i have no clue what this women looked like as there were no further photos, so until then, i don't know how i can debunk the woman not being my mother; appearance wise.

what reason do i have to believe this is motivated out of spite? before kai and i had become acquainted, i followed him through dylan, who had publicity posted about how his friend had created a dark blog. wanting to follow more creators who shared a similar interest, i followed him. immediately, kai had started sending asks about whether or not i was single. we had not talked nor even messages before, we had liked a few of each others posts and that was the max of our interactions. but i responded with a flirty remark, which i am now known for, but wasn't at the time. flirting was thrown back and fourth and after awhile i had realized i was no longer ready, mentally or emotionally for a relationship at that point in time. i still had full feelings for kai, yet kindly expressed my discomfort with a relationship. which he mutually accepted and that was that. i thought we were ended things on great terms, we both communicated and got our messages out of the way.

apparently this was not the case, as kai, without my knowledge goes to search for any sort of dirt he can find on me. which, i will be using a post by dylan to explain why i have reason to be swayed into the fact this was out of anger— i love dylan, and he's not included in these accusations whatsoever, but this post is important to view. do not drag him into this, please. i'm serious.

dylan admits to kai being able to ruin people's lives for fun. which is obviously, not a good look for him. he purposefully goes on the hunt for any information he can attach to someone. unluckily for him, he couldn't find anything worth exposing, so he restorts to making up lies about my age in an attempt to get some sort of revenge? as punishment for breaking his heart i presume. very, very mature after a breakup which i calmly and kindly let you know that i wasn't ready for anything further.

now, onto the rebuttal i have for his big accusation; me being a fifteen year old who's mother's social, kai sniffed up. my mother does not own any form of social media, she has an email which is technically not even a social app. ( this is used for her grad teachers, in order to contact her for reasons that will be explained ).

my mother hasn't had any social app for years, much less posts or takes photos of us to display whatsoever. my mother entered a relationship with a man, who at the time she didn't know was very, very anti-lgbtq.

* before anything else it's important to note that kai, believes i have a brother. i told him this in order to stray away any true information about me, as there are very few people i fully trust with the knowledge of my personal life. much less, someone who i just met at the time; i.e kai. kai had mentioned a friend of either his or his brothers being named 'hank' to try to also fit the lie of having a brother, i told him it was a funny coincidence that my brother had the same name. i do not have a brother, my sister and i are both trans— she being mtf, and i being ftm. she has given me explicit permission to disclose this, as i wouldn't ever dream of letting that information out without her word.

this leads into my main argument. my mother had been with this man for quite awhile, and had finally asked us for permission to give him the news, that we were both transgender and that he should know for the future of our family. he obviously, did not take this well. to keep details minimal for the safety of my family, i'll briefly explain some of the shit he's done to my mother. stalk, threaten, send unsolicited photos and dead animals to our home, try to get my mother to meet up - or find her location to meet up with her, and many, many more vile things. my family has been hiding, moving, and changing our identities ever since. my mother has wanted a healthy, safe environment for her children to grow up in without fear that their lives would be taken or in some way ruined by this man. we can't keep a house for more than a year before we're forced to go into hiding because of a message from him or some sick prank from somebody who knows about the situation. this is all i can say, as i don't want him to somehow get ahold of this post. which is also why i am withholding my families legal names as well as her ex's legal name just to be cautious. though it is never ever justified to lie to your partner, kai and i had barely talked and i felt pressured by the environment and excitement to rush headfirst into a relationship. causing me to hold back any truth to my personal life, excluding interests, stories, and stuff of that sort. which deserves an apology all on it's own.

now, where this fifteen, number came from. not a clue in hell, my sister, is sixteen but was fifteen at the time i was in a relationship with kai. i have no clue if this has anything to do with it, but he knew, as i told him i was celebrating her birthday through text. letting him know, the age she was and the age she was turning.

i live off the grid and always have. my legal name is not on here, my family or friends names, etc. my personality, all me, the stories or hobbies i have? true. my job? true. i express the true me on here while still holding back information that could cause my family into another year of hiding. my mother never has and never will have any socials. she barely uses her email out of fear, but has no choice as it's her only means of communication to her job.

another quick thing i would like to mention, to be truthful, as this is a post solely based on trust alone. as i have no physical evidence to back it up. i sent a photo to kai, letting him know it was taken when i was in middle school. i told him my mother put a filter over it, which is weird right? i just explained how my mother doesn't have socials, he's got to be lying, right? no, my teacher had taken the photo and she had edited on her photo to show our grandma, who she sent the image through phone messages. this was no lie, but it was a misdirection to try to get kai to believe my mother posted about me. i still didn't trust him and never fully did, so this was another. morally wrong, attempt to cover my true identity by lying to him about it. which, again, never right to lie to your partner. but i have a family to protect, it's hard to make friends and relationships online when you have to hide who you truly are your whole life. and i'm sorry that's been the case, though the information my mutuals privately know is all the truth. i've grown to trust a fair few, so thank you.

as a summary, these claims are total bullshit. i can provide more context or answers to any questions you may have, below, through dms, or through my inbox. this was once again posted before he could get his word out, as i wanted to make sure everyone knew what i had to say, in case he decided to 'expose' me while i was at work, or too busy to compile a rebuttal. thank you all for listening, you don't have to believe a word of this. as yes, my story does sound far-fetched but i have no way that i can verify it without putting my family in danger. which, i'd much rather lose my online status over a silly rumour than harm my family for another multitude of years. this is a rather short and rushed post though, as it's been bugging me for awhile and i just need to push it out.

[lady0mandy]

I'm so fucking frustrated

They've pushed me to my limits over and over again and the second I blow up I'm the crazy one and I'm the unstable one and they have to "walk on eggshells" around my when my mom is a borderline and narcissistic Jekyll and Hyde who raised me to fear her

I don't understand how she can't remember the things she's said to me. The way she screamed and yelled while I hid in the bathroom sobbing and the way she made me feel worthless and inadequate when she could have just sat down and had a civil conversation with me and used genuine parenting tactics to help me regulate my emotions.

The way she gave me a literal eating disorder for the way she handled meal times shouting at me and forcing me and getting in my face instead of helping me form a positive relationship with food so now I fear trying new foods and have such a limited palette and get genuine anxiety when I have to eat things I'm unfamiliar with and binge on safe foods

The way I poured my heart out to her at age 10 in the car telling her about how I was being bullied and harassed at school and instead of going to the school and helping she shouted "YOU KNOW WHAT, ARIANA IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM" and she can just forget that ever happened but 11 years later it's still engraved in my brain

The way she called me a slut and a bitch when I was 13 years old and threatened to hurt my 13 year old boyfriend just for kissing me.

I don't care what the circumstances are I would NEVER call my child that I would NEVER make her feel worthless and flawed and only deserving of conditional love.

The way she told me I had fat and needed to lose weight at 16 because she was 109lbs going into college and I tried to explain body types and bmi to her and she said "I don't believe you" and she told the guy who did my senior pictures to edit them to make me look skinnier.

The way she still sexualizes me based on the clothes I wear when they're barely revealing and I'm a grown woman.

The way she's blamed me for my mental and chronic illnesses and told me that the car accident was my fault and I did it for attention and I always have to play the victim and can't just "let" myself be happy.

She never taught me to regulate my negative emotions because she never knew how to do it herself and my kid brained soaked up all her bpd and npd traits and even after years of therapy I still haven't unlearned them all

My friends in highschool used to tell me she was abusive and I didn't believe them and it wasn't until I got a highly skilled therapist that I realized this wasnt mother daughter drama but mother daughter trauma.

And to this day she thinks she can speak to me with the most disrespectful tone and demand I cross my own boundaries and then when I match her tone I'm the bad guy and I'm the shitty unstable disrespectful and ungrateful daughter.

And I'm literally locked in my room right now because I can't be near her I can't see her because it makes me feel sick and burning mad because she will never understand and she will always be like this and I just want a mother who will speak to me with respect and help me through my problems but instead she makes them worse and then gives me money and acts like everything is fixed I DON'T WANT HER FUCKING MONEY I WANT HER RESPECT AND UNDERSTANDING

And she can go on and forget what she did this weekend but it's been 4 days and I'm still crying over it and I just wanted to die so bad on Sunday and I just can't take it anymore I can't fucking take it why the hell did she have me if she was just going to make me feel this way.

I'm 4 days away from moving across the state but I still feel so trapped physically and emotionally and financially and I hate this and I hate myself and I just feel like the 7 year old girl locked in the bathroom getting screamed at for something that could have been resolved with a calm voice, reasoning, and proper parenting

I wish I was never born I wish she didn't try for 5 years for me just to have me and make me feel this way I wish I didn't feel like I have 0 value but I do and I don't even have anyone to vent to so I'm taking it to goddamn tumblr when I haven't made an original post in years

[masterwords]

Breathless Charm

Notes: A short little Hotch/Rossi first date story for @valyerena. Happy Birthday! I have more in the works for these two (a lot of my 200 followers celebration requests have been for Hossi and I'm not upset), but I wanted to make sure to get something up for your birthday. <3 It's barely edited and a little disjointed but fluffy and sweet.

There was a little restaurant Aaron had always wanted to go to. It was right down on the pier with a view of the water and Mount Rainier, but Haley didn't like seafood and it was far too indulgent to go on his own, or so he told himself. It wasn't exactly fancy, you didn't need reservations and there certainly wasn't a dress code but there was just something that had always just drawn him to it. In fact, it was more of a tourist trap than anything if he really considered it, but that didn't matter. Maybe it was the bright orange neon sign you could see from miles away, right there on the boardwalk, next to the aquarium and the tourists and the smell of the Puget Sound that called to him. He'd walked by it dozens of times a week during his lunch hour, biked past it, rode the train past it. No matter where he went in Seattle, he seemed to gravitate there, and yet he never went, just watched couples and happy families going in and out and dreamed of it. It had become an odd fixation of his, a point of contention between he and Haley until they moved back East and it was forced to live only in his subconscious.

“Aaron, why don't you just get lunch there? It's a fish bar, not a Michelin star restaurant.”

“By myself?” he asked, scandalized by the thought. He wasn't sure why, he'd always liked being alone, he'd eaten at plenty of establishments on his own, even gone to movies on his own. Still, he stared at Haley like she had a second head and she just laughed at how utterly ridiculous her husband was while she folded laundry on the sofa.

“Yes, Aaron. By yourself.”

“They have salads and burgers, too, you know.” Stabbing in the dark. He knew she wasn't going to take the bait. She just rolled her eyes dramatically and threw a towel at him to fold.

“I'm not going to order a burger or a salad at a seafood restaurant. Find someone who likes fish and go with them, or go by yourself. Or...never go. Your call, babe.”

Being back in Seattle, it was the first thing he thought of. They landed, and he stood up, arched his back to stretch out, and followed Dave out of the jet thinking about that stupid little restaurant, so built up in his psyche now that it couldn't possibly live up to the hype. Maybe it wouldn't even be open anymore, maybe it was a sushi place or a gift shop now. He frowned, standing in the purple and gold twilight, dreading the ride downtown. He'd asked them to just get them their own vehicle but the head of the Field Office insisted on driving them, said it was an honor but Aaron wasn't sure they'd feel that way when he threw up all over the backseat.

“Dinner?” Aaron asked, sliding into the backseat of the SUV with some trepidation, arranging his bags at his feet and on his lap. He hugged the door close and did his best to avoid looking out the window, instead he focused on Dave and the other agents while they spoke, just to avoid the inevitable motion sickness that came from being in the back of a moving vehicle. Nothing exposed his need for control faster than not being the one to drive. There was no focusing on a fixed point that would help him, just careful distraction, so Dave did his best to keep the conversation with the other two agents engaging.

“I could eat,” Dave replied under his breath, still listening to the agents in the front seat. He could tell the agents were nervous, the way they rambled on and on about everything they'd set up and done for the week, looking for nods of approval or pats on the back from the more seasoned agents in the back. It happened often when they flew out to help prep for big trials, and in this case, it was the biggest Washington State had seen in decades, so the newspapers were saying. When Aaron had been asked to come out, he insisted on bringing Dave as well, Dave knew the case better than anyone and Derek could run things back home for a few days.

“You like seafood?” Aaron whispered, taking a chance. Dave shrugged and nodded, a careless little motion that read as being non-committal at best. Aaron stared at him, willing him to say something, give him a solid answer.

“Sure,” was his reply, and that was that. Aaron took it as a done deal, they were going to his little fish bar and he was finally going to be disappointed by reality not living up to fantasy. They dropped their files off at the Field Office and made their way to the hotel, asking to get an SUV for their own use for the rest of the week. Aaron knew he wouldn't be able to be carted around like a child in the back of an SUV all week, there was no way. He'd rather walk or get a bike.

“We can drive you anywhere you need to go, it's no trouble,” Agent Kennedy said, a little bashfully. Dave shook his head and tried not to crush the kid, he looked so young. He wasn't sure he'd ever been so young in his life.

“I'm sure you must have better things to do than chauffeur two old men around,” Dave replied, winking, lightening the mood. “We can drive ourselves. Agent Hotchner lived in Seattle for two years, we'll manage.” Agent Kennedy opened his mouth to protest, but the look on Aaron's face when he returned from checking them in scared him into silent agreement with their demands. He told them he'd do what he could and left them to get settled in.

“Sharing a room,” Aaron said, waving the key. “The bureau's generosity knows no bounds.”

“Just like old times,” replied Dave, with a coy little smile and they made for the elevator at the end of the corridor. Aaron wasn't unhappy about it, he'd always liked sharing his room with Dave, there was something so easy about the way they fell into sync together, shared a space without stepping on toes. Dave always brought the nice scotch and he slept so peacefully that Aaron couldn't help getting at least a little good shut eye when they shared a room. “So, this restaurant you want to take me to...it's the one Haley wouldn't go to, huh?”

“You remember that?”

“Aaron,” Dave started, but he caught himself, carefully planned his reply instead of just winging it. Not the time to be coy, to flirt, not until wine. They'd been cautiously flirting for years, but wine helped. “I listen when you talk.” Sappy, but not over the top. It made Aaron blush, though, he could see it. Aaron didn't blush the way other people did, it never hit his cheeks, but his neck would flush bright splotchy pinks and reds and Dave knew it spread down to his collar bone like a rash. He'd made an inappropriate joke once while Aaron was in the hospital and watched it happen through the wide open gown, was so enthralled by how bizarre it was. He couldn't imagine anything more on brand, he even blushed in private, like he was allergic to attention. You had to know what you were looking for to even notice.

They settled into the hotel room, changed from work clothes to play, and set out on foot. Aaron decided he only needed a sweater, maybe because he was showing off over having lived in Seattle – he wouldn't bring an umbrella and he wouldn't wear a jacket, the locals didn't bother with those things and he'd been local once. He didn't know why he felt so strongly about it, but he watched as Dave put on his dinner jacket and a pea coat and he thought about grabbing his coat anyway, but dug in. He'd manage. It was April, it wasn't warm but it wasn't cold either. Their hotel was just up the street from the boardwalk, they could see the lights and the people from their sixth floor window. The walk was brisk, a little windy and they sucked in the smell of the briny sea air and watched the throngs of people pass them in loud groups, families with children tugging them along toward the aquarium or the market.

“A neon sign?” Dave asked, turning to Aaron, who had his hands shoved in his pockets to keep his fingers warm, regretting his decision not to bring his coat already. He'd forgotten how quickly the temperature changed on the water.

“It's busy, that's a good sign right?”

“Is it?”

“Listen,” Aaron began, but Dave just shook his head and opened the door for Aaron, letting him enter first. The humid heat hit them quickly, and Aaron smiled. It smelled like oysters and lemons.

“I'll try anything once. They'd better have good drinks.”

Much to Aaron's chagrin, they were seated outside, right on the pier and perused the menu as they listened to the water slapping against the pilings below them, the far off sounds of sea lions and the aquarium. The wind was chilly, his nose felt frozen but at least they'd been seated beneath an umbrella with a heater tucked inside so it was bearable. The wine list was enough for Dave to decide the restaurant was okay, not exactly what he would have selected but then, he had expensive taste. Their seafood was as fresh as it could be and prepared with skill, lightly fried oysters and carefully cooked salmon still delightful and soft and pink. They ordered nearly everything on the menu after Dave decided Aaron had waited long enough to try the damn place and then watched his brow furrow in desperation over what to pick. Conversation never lulled, and Aaron thought maybe he was flirting but he was out of his depths in that department. The more wine they consumed, the further back their stories went, dredging up old memories of Gideon and Max and driving or the time the bureau put them on a god forsaken Greyhound bus to somewhere in the mid-west, but they couldn't remember where now, the wine had pickled a few of the more important bits of the memories. Probably for the best, they both realized as they got further into it.

“You threw up in that nasty little bathroom,” Dave blurted out and Aaron laughed, nodding. He hadn't forgotten that bit, though he'd been hoping Dave would have.

“It was that air freshener the driver kept spraying, gave me a migraine.” That was the story he'd stuck with, but it was all of the smells of the bus, the motion sickness, anxiety, it was a perfect storm. He'd never been on a Greyhound bus before, and he had outright refused them since. There were two other cases that the bureau wanted to put them on those buses for and he paid for a plane ticket out of his own pocket just to avoid it each time.

“Yeah, well it was better than the smell of the diapers. I'm not sure what they were feeding that kid but I almost joined you.”

When they stood to leave, bellies full and more than a little wine drunk, Aaron shoved his hands deep into his pockets and felt a sinking regret over his decision not to bring his coat. The temperature had dropped significantly and the walk back to the hotel wasn't long, but it was long enough that his wool sweater would lose its battle with the wind. Dave slipped his pea coat off of the back of his seat and handed it to Aaron with a knowing smile. In truth, he'd only grabbed it because he knew how stubborn his friend was, his dinner jacket was more than enough for a chilly spring evening.

“No, Dave,” Aaron protested, but Dave just pushed it at him again. They stared at one another silently, Dave not willing to take no for an answer. He'd leave the coat on the chair before he put it back on himself and Aaron knew it.

“I'm plenty comfortable the way I am,” he replied and watched as Aaron pulled the jacket on slowly. He adjusted the sleeves of his sweater, tugged at them until they weren't bunched up, and smiled.

“Thanks Dave.” He knew he'd been played. Dave knew him too well.

They made their way up the boardwalk, side by side, taking the long way back to the hotel on boozy legs, breathing in the salty sea air. They were silent, just listening to the slap of the water against wood and rocks, the gulls above them screeching and squawking, the cars roaring past on the highways that twisted and curled above the city. The way the city lights reflected over the black water danced in Aaron's eyes and he felt like he was home, silly as it was. He'd loved this city once. Getting as far away from Virginia as he could had been his only real tangible dream, and for two short years, it was a reality. Slowly, he realized that might have been why he anchored himself so hard to that restaurant, a reason to return. Unfinished business in the Emerald City. It hadn't been disappointing, but he knew while he ate his meal that it hadn't been about the food at all, it was the feeling, the fixed point on his horizon. That neon sign.

“Fish Bar?” Dave asked, one eyebrow shooting comically toward his hairline. Aaron smiled a little sheepishly and looked down at his feet as he walked.

“What's wrong with that?”

“Oh, nothing. I just think I could have done better for a first date, that's all.”

Aaron made a small strangled sound, his neck flushing beneath the collar of his wool sweater and he hugged Dave's coat tight around himself. After an awful stretched moment of silence, he caught his bearings and laughed. “Okay, hot shot. Prove it.”

[emily-the-fae]

Sound of a Heartbeat

Part 3. Back to Business

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part4 - Part 5 - Part 6

Here I am, back with a new chapter. I have absolutely no betas, so this is what I get after editing the text myself.

Pairing: Dracula x OC

Warnings: absolutley none

What Shari did not expect, was to feel cold - in fact, there was now extremely unpleasant cold at her back and something burning warm and soft at her side, the juxtaposition making her shiver and move her shoulders. As soon as she did so, sharp pain shot through the left side of her neck, causing her to flinch and groan, straightening her shoulders carefully as not to evoke another shot of pain. Why-why-why does this have to sting so much all over again? Shari could hear some sounds around her - noises like obscured quiet dialogue, the voices were still undetectable, but she already had a hint of who they might belong to. Next there was a raspy sound of someone's - or something's - quick breathing right next to her ear. Light struck her eyes through closed eyelids, causing her to turn her head, wincing. There was a sound of footsteps coming closer. Some other noise, getting louder by second, until she finally heard...

- Shari! - as soon as she opened her eyes, she saw Sypha leaning above her, anxious face watching her reaction carefully, strands of red hair falling in front of her eyes.

Shari bolted upwards, nearly bumping into the speaker and instantly regretting it as sharp pain shot through her body, she bent forward, almost folding in half, then straightened up again, taking deep breaths. Alright, easy. This is what surviving feels like. She was going to live for now. Shari looked around: she was laying on the snowy forest floor next to a campfire, her body covered with a warm cape; the wood opening was lit in dim daylight, Sypha was crouching on the ground next to her, Adrian and Trevor staring at her from across the campfire; Rodo crawled closer, putting his muzzle onto her lap and wagging his short tail happily, his nose poking her belly.

She caressed his big furry head absentmindedly. Shari did not understand how the hell she managed to make it back, especially considering her health condition. She was expecting anything, but home sweet home among the three friends on the other side of the water.

Something moved on the edge of her peripheral vision, between the trunks of the trees and Shari had to turn her shoulders fully in order to keep her neck as immobile as possible, as she tried to look in the direction of the movement. She saw a shadowy figure of the ghost stare at her, hovering immobile close to the edge of the trees. Oh, Lisa Tepes is not going to leave her alone now. She knew Shari would survive, somehow the damned woman just knew it. Now the healer could be sure the ghost will stick to her for some time and continue the scheme of "go and save the world". A very pleasant beginning of the day.

- Lord, it's so good that you're back. We seriously thought that we might lose you, - Sypha threw her arms around Shari's neck, for the time being taking the healer's thoughts off her new acquaintance. - I tried all I could, you know, magic and other stuff... Adrian almost suggested turning you, - Shari snorted. Like hell he would have.

- How long was I...?

- Three days, - Sypha's face was probably as pale as her own. The poor girl must have done all she was capable of to keep Shari alive.

- To be honest, I am quite surprised that my father didn't finish what he started, but I am anyway relieved, that you are well, - Adrian walked up to her and petted her shoulder. - I'm so sorry we weren't there to help you straight away.

- It's fine, Adrian, we couldn't have predicted that he would pay us a visit. It's not anybody's fault, - no it is. My own and yours too, it was a dumb idea to leave the most battle-unprepared person alone. Shari shut the voice in her head and smiled weakly.

Trevor just nodded from across the fire, listening to their exchange; he watched the three of them, his gaze from time to time drifting back to Shari, or rather to the reddened patch on her neck. He opened and closed his mouth a few times, as if hesitant to speak, then finally spilled it out:

- How did he attack you? How did he find us? Did he speak? – the hunter started throwing questions at her and Shari got a strong feeling of being interrogated.

- I-I don't know, - Shari almost lied, throwing a cautious glance at Lisa. - He just, sort of, appeared and attacked me that's mostly it.

- He probably watched us. She was alone, so he decided to weaken us by removing the one left vulnerable, - Adrian finished, lowering himself on the ground next to the healer. Shari didn't want to respond, dropping herself to her improvised bed in exhaustion.

- You must be more or less right. That night is a bit foggy in my memory, really, - she huffed.

- He has a nasty habit of putting his victims under hypnosis, so your condition is quite - I almost said normal - quite to be expected I dare say, - Adrian mumbled matter-of-factedly, his palm coming up to caress her head and brush away a few stray strands of hair from her face. Shari felt her stomach turn in fear at the word "victims", she breathed out heavily. Silence followed.

- Guys, seriously, I feel drained... - Shari stretched as well as she could; Sypha snorted at her involuntary pun. - Can I please just rest for a while?

- Of course. Take your time and gain some strength. You'll need it soon, - Adrian spoke before anyone could respond. He stretched out his hand to take her palm in his for a moment, capturing her attention. - You deserve some rest. Thank you... For not dying on us. Really, - his tone began to be uncharacteristically serious, but as he ended his words in a chuckle, Shari could only breath out and smile warmly. Sypha just nodded and hurried to cover her once more with the large warm cape - the healer wasn't sure if it was Adrian's of Trevor's.

Shari lay back in peace for once, feeling Rodo's large warm form next to herself and letting the sounds of the forest wash over her. Maybe she could at least get some normal sleep.

***

When she woke up the next time, it was already deep in the night. The fire was burning low, Sypha and Trevor sleeping soundly on the ground around it, curled into two freezing balls, an empty bottle next to Trevor's hand - as per usual - and Adrian nowhere to be seen. Rodo purred in discontent, shaking his sleepy red eyed head, when Shari tried to sit up.

There was a shadow at the edge of the trees once again watching the small campsite intently; Shari could see it clearly its outline hiding behind the tree trunks. Lisa. The woman caught her gaze and beckoned her to come closer. Shari shook her head at first, but the woman only continued gesturing more aggressively; she hesitated for a while, contemplating whether she should just turn on her side and go back to sleep, then stood up at last almost against her own will, walking up to the ghost cautiously, ready for any unpleasant surprise. She felt like she was going to regret even this small decision.

Lisa, seeing her move, turned away and walked further into the tree shadows, leading the human away from the campfire; Shari could barely follow her transparent form, walking through the bushes careful not to make too much noise that could awaken her unaware companions. Rodo ran behind his human, smelling the air around him for any traces of life, his huge claws making him clumsy as he trotted through the bushes. At first Shari could barely see her way, cursing under her breath as she went until all of a sudden she found herself in an opening once more, a small free patch of ground formed around an old fallen tree, it's darkened trunk laying on the ground and clearing some space around it; Shari saw the ghost settle on top of the trunk as if sitting down on a bench, gesturing for the human to do the same. Shari walked closer and lowered herself next to the woman. It was silent for a few moments.

- Did you really have to do that? - Shari spoke up.

- Do what? - Lisa responded.

- Appear to me. Rush my decisions.

- I didn't. In fact, I tried to tell you to think it over, if you remember?

- Oh yes, you didn't intimidate me with the prospects of returning to Earth straight for a painful fight, - sarcasm it is.

- I needed you to be out here.

Silence once more.

- Why don't they see you? Adrian and others - you were there in the morning, but they didn't notice. Are you just a hallucination? In my head? I’m going insane, am I? - Shari asked. The ghost sighed in response, lowering her head.

- No, no. I believe, you... Crossed some border because of almost dying. You aren't supposed to be seeing me now, it never happened to me before... Maybe you are able to see the other dead too. Maybe it's just me because I tried to connect to you, - Lisa answered, unconfident, studying the girl's face. - I was never exactly an expert in the paranormal field.

- You raised a vampire son.

- That's different!

Pause.

- I'm still not going to go looking for Dracula, - Shari stated.

- You can go looking for his castle instead then, - Lisa was seemingly unworried about her decision.

- Looking for his castle?! Do you even hear yourself? How is that supposed to be "instead"? How.. Wait, why?

- Well, as you said, you want to hold onto your life - he has the answer to your sickness, your salvation - I know, I remember, I've been to his library - if you manage to find the castle, you will as well find the cure, - Lisa smiled knowingly at Shari's visible confusion. The healer wrinkled her nose, thinking. Now there was something to it – could be possible; a chance for longer survival, if the stories didn’t lie; besides Dracula is quite busy and Lisa had told her she watched over him. But still...

- Oh no, I'm not buying this. You're just telling this to me, because you want me to encounter him. He very obviously will be there and will certainly be not happy about a human intruder. I won't go, nope, - Shari replied.

- Don't you think it's the better option of not encountering him? - there was a smirk on the ghost's face now.

- Oh, yes, why would that be?

- He's following you four around, he said it himself, so he will definitely notice you are still alive and quite soon. But I do know he is not as often in his castle nowadays - so if you leave the others, in fact, you will have better chances of...

- Alright, alright, Lady Logic, I get it. What's in it for you then? Making me search the castle? Sounds all too good for me and nothing for you, as you place it. What do you have in mind?- Shari stared at the ghost suspiciously, waiting for the answer.

- His castle and all its movement is controlled only from the inside, I know it for sure. And maybe, just maybe, together we could find a way to reverse this war with minimum blood. If we find a way to stick the castle to one place, he will have to be more careful, because his safe place will grow more vulnerable. As for Adrian and your team out there – they wouldn’t be able to ambush him. Drawn in that condition they may have more time and necessity to… reconsider some of their tactics. Who says diplomacy should work without a little destructive help? You and I – together we can create the needed mess, - Lisa responded. This sounded almost like a rehearsed speech. - Magic and knowledge: if you help it may actually work out.

- And that's all? - Shari raised an eyebrow.

- Yes.

- Too simple.

- Only on speech, - Lisa tilted her head towards Shari. - Do we have a deal?

- I don't trust you, - Shari cut back. - You're nice and all, but I don't trust you, - she stood up from the tree trunk.

- You don't have to. But we need each other, you have to admit it, - the ghost responded with an amused smile. Shari really wanted to shut her ears and run away. This was no good. There was no way the ghost wasn't lying about Dracula deserting his castle; Adrian said he wouldn't... Though Adrian didn't expect him to be watching them either.

- Okay. Say I do trust you – for now. What do I do? How do I get away and to his castle without Adrian?

- Leave tomorrow. Tell them you need to go and settle some personal matter – or rest somewhere peaceful, that you know of a small village to rest in for a while. That you're sick and solving it - it's not far from the truth. You'll catch up with them in some time… possibly, - Lisa told it all as if she had planned the whole thing a long time ago, which unnerved Shari quite a lot.

- Will I though? - mistrust once again.

- Depends on you, - the ghost dissolved into thin air. - Remember, we both need each other.

[snarkwrites]

12 | gangsta; sweetpea

NOTES:

It's been a while. I've had these two chapters written for a while now but I haven't had time to sit down, edit them a little better and post them. Since I have time now, I thought I'd go ahead and do that, whether you guys asked for these next two chapters or not.

Sorry this took forever! Sorry I'm so slow, I've been settling into a new house and taking care of some IRL stuff / taking a little break. I swear, I'm going to update everything sooner or later. >.>

I love you guys.

WARNINGS:

NON/ LOOSE CANON COMPLIANCE - this is the biggest warning, so if you’re into things that follow exact canon plot you are… definitely not going to like this. ANGST & SLOW BURN, HEAVY SEXUAL TENSIONSTARTING NOW, ACTUALLY - this is just so everyone who started reading this thinking the smut would transpire in a hurry knows that apparently, it is not. VIOLENCE / SWEARING & FIGHTING, POSSIBLE UNDERAGE DRINKING AND OTHER SHENANIGANS- look.. it’s high school. shit happens. also apparently, my ofc Alyssa uses the word fuck like all the time?…EVENTUAL SEXUAL CONTENT / A VIRGIN ORIGINAL CHARACTER- this one is self explanatory. yes, i plan to write a smutty chapter in this at some point. when? i don’t rightly know. it’s got a while before we get there. STALKER TW - this chapter marks the true appearance of Alyssa's ex, Dave Novak. It's hinted heavily that he's a gross asshole who likes to play mind games.

If you're under 18+, probably not a good or wise idea to continue reading this series. Because there are going to be a few dark and adult themes within. I'll warn here, of course, but you need to understand that I don't control you. If you continue to read after having read the warnings and you're upset or don't like something... Totally on you, friend.

PAIRING:

Andrews!Sibling OFC x Sweet Pea.

TAGGING:

@brithedemonspawn is the only person on my Riverdale tag list. If you want to be added, the link to do so is below.

OTHER PARTS:

ONE - TWO - THREE - FOUR - FIVE - SIX - SEVEN - EIGHT - NINE - TEN- ELEVEN - soundtrack

OTHER STUFF:

[ about my writing - tag list doc ]

T W E L V E.

[773 - 589 - 7956] attachment

[773 - 589 - 7956] I think I decided how you can repay me, scarlet…

[773 - 589 - 7956] Better enjoy your quiet and happy little life while you still have it, scarlet. Because soon it’s all going to be ripped right out of your pretty little hands.

[773 - 589 - 7956] That boyfriend of yours isn’t even gonna be able to save you this time, scarlet. You’re mine.

[773 - 589 - 7956] See you soon, scarlet.

Each new text that came in had me tensing up. Careful to keep my phone out of sight of anyone who was nearby. My heart was about to beat right out of my chest and my stomach felt like it sank to the floor. I was barely listening to anything being said around me and I guess it was more obvious than I thought because Toni cleared her throat, nodding to the phone in my hand.

Gazing at me in concern.

“Everything okay? You look like you’re going to be sick.”

“Yeah,yeah. Everything is fine.” I lied. I think at that particular point in time, I was just trying to convince myself that this was all some kind of bad dream. Or worst case scenario, Dave was making empty threats.

Toni eyed me suspiciously. I tried to give her a convincing smile, but I’d have had to be an idiot to even think for a second that she believed me. She eyed my phone and reached for it. I managed to shove it in my pocket.

“Trust me.” I pleaded. She gave me a wary look and sighed, grumbling “Fine, okay. Alright.” under her breath.

And I did my best to push the texts out of my head. Jumping in the conversation she had going on with Cheryl and Veronica. Laughing and talking as if nothing were wrong.

Lying through the skin of my teeth.

XXX

“What’s got you so jumpy?”

The question caught me off guard. I wanted to tell someone what was going on, I really did, but… I didn’t want to worry anyone, either. I was at least 99.9 percent sure that there was absolutely no way that Dave would show up in Riverdale, at least that’s what I was hoping.

I did my best to play it off. Shoveling french fries into my mouth just so I didn’t have to answer right away. My cell phone lit up and I flinched before I could stop myself.

Toni reached for it and I quickly grabbed it and shoved it in my pocket. She gave me a concerned look and I muttered quietly, “Probably just Reggie...again.”

“Reggie’s with that new girl though?” Cheryl spoke up. Gazing at me thoughtfully. My breath caught in my throat because if anyone would catch on to there being something truly wrong with me or something off in the way I was acting, it’d be her or Polly.

So far, I’d managed to fool everyone else into thinking I was alright, even my dad and my brother.

,, Dave won’t come here, it’s not worth the hassle. He’s just playing mind games. That’s all this is. Pull yourself together.” the thought came and I managed a smile, shrugging.

“You’ve been acting weird all week, now that I’m thinking about it.” Cheryl was the one who said it and she gave me an expectant look. Waiting.

“I have not.”

,, I do have one secret I can spill. Maybe if I tell them about my crush on Sweetpea…” and so that’s what I did. Sighing as I reached for the shared plate of fries between the three of us. Raking my fries through my vanilla milkshake and taking a few deep breaths to kind of collect myself, both from Dave’s harassing texts and what I was finally about to get off my chest about having feelings for Sweetpea.

“You have. Start talking.” Toni spoke up, watching me. Sizing me up. If I had to guess, I’d pin money on her sitting across the booth, trying to figure out what was up with my jumpy attitude all week.

“Okay, alright. Fine. But what I’m about to tell you two does not leave this table, okay? It.. It can’t. If Sweetpea ever found out, pretty sure he’d start avoiding me and things would get weird.”

Toni and Cheryl exchanged a look and then Toni nodded. Chewing a mouthful of fries as she muttered calmly, “Go on.”

“ I may or may not have a crush on Sweetpea.”

“Oh, you definitely have a crush on him. It’s kind of obvious.” Cheryl gave a soft teasing grin and I sighed. Dragging my hand through my hair and taking a few seconds to let her words sink in. I almost dreaded asking, but I felt like I had to given that she said it was obvious. “Oh god.. He doesn’t suspect anything.. Right?”

“Oh, he’s the only one whose oblivious. But the rest of us, we’ve known a while.” Toni teased me. Then asked calmly, “Is that all? Why’s that have you so jumpy?”

“Because I know how bad I am at hiding things, okay? I was kind of… I dunno, freaking out I guess.” I eyed her, waiting. Searching her face in the hopes that she accepted what I said and didn’t keep pushing. A few seconds passed and she laughed softly. Took a sip of her strawberry milkshake and asked with a smirk, “Are you gonna do anything about it?”

“Probably not. Every time I even think about it, I manage to talk myself right out of it. He’d laugh his ass off, okay? Besides, remember all the flirting he was doing with Josie when they had to work together during the play?” I pouted as I pointed it out.

Cheryl and Toni exchanged looks and Toni laughed. “He was doing that to make you jealous. Or that’s what I think he was doing. Either way… I think you should do something. He’s not going to and trust me… I’ve known the guy my whole life. I know him well enough to say that I know he has a thing for you. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have been so cranky when you two first met?”

“I thought he was just naturally grumpy?”

“Oh, he is, but the way he was towards you was totally different. He’s only that grumpy when he’s trying to keep his defenses up.” Toni informed me before finishing off her shake.

The door to the diner opened and Sweetpea walked in, Fangs in tow. The two of them were laughing about something. I gave both Cheryl and Toni a pleading look and Cheryl seemed to pick up on my unspoken plea to change the subject thankfully, because she asked, “Are you going to F.P’s retirement party at the Wyrm?”

“Yeah.” I answered, finishing off my milkshake. Sweetpea flopped into the booth beside me, carelessly slinging an arm over the back of the seat. His hand brushed against my shoulder and I swear just the small brush against me felt like someone had taken a livewire and dragged it over my body real slow.

Toni smirked at me, nodding at Sweetpea while he was too busy wolfing down french fries to notice and I shook my head.

“I dare you. No… I triple dare you.. Flirt with him.” Toni gave a teasing grin as she mouthed the words to me and I swallowed hard.

She’s not playing fair. She knows I can’t turn down a dare.

I happened to glance out the window of the diner and when I thought I saw Dave standing there, leaning against a streetlamp, one hand in his pocket and a cigarette dangling between his lips, I nearly choked. This prompted Sweetpea to start hitting me on the back lightly as he laughed and looked at me in concern. “Damn cherry, are you trying to kill yourself?”

Toni’s brow raised and Sweetpea explained what happened earlier in the day, how I’d nicked myself with the scalpel in our first period class while doing a dissection. What Sweetpea didn’t know was that when it happened, it was because I thought I’d seen Dave standing outside in the parking lot, only to blink and the parking lot be empty.

I have got to stop letting his stupid mind games get to me. It’s just because he’s texting me again. It’s just because he knows how to work me up and get me all scared, he used to be good at it when we dated.

He’d never come to Riverdale. He’s just doing this to me for his own sick amusement and every single time I let him get to me, especially when I’m to a point where I’m so paranoid I’m imagining that I see him everywhere lately, it’s letting him win and that pisses me off more than anything.

I’m supposed to be stronger than that, damn it.

Toni eyed me suspiciously and I braced myself. When she didn’t bring up my skittish behavior, I relaxed a little.

I wanted to tell someone what was going on, but at the same time, why? I’m pretty sure this is just Dave, being an absolute bag of dicks.

It has to be that. It has to be.

XXX

He stood outside some podunk little diner right in the heart of town. The hazy red neon gave off a comforting and inviting warmth and he lit his cigarette, fuming in anger as he watched her sitting inside.

“I know you’re not ignoring me, scarlet. I know you’re not.” he muttered, mostly to himself as he turned the collar of his leather jacket up against the wind and started to walk towards the South Side.

Maybe it was time he paid his old buddy Eric a visit. Eric was out of prison. Eric was the one who’d told him where Alyssa was to begin with, though he didn’t realize it.

Dave chuckled and shook his head as he walked towards the shitty apartments on the opposite end of town where Eric lived. Eric owed him a few favors. He was coming to collect.

“Did you really think I was jokin when I told ya I have friends all over? That you weren’t ever gonna get away from me?” he mused to himself as he knocked on the door of a first floor slum apartment.

Eric opened the door, leaning in it lazily. Blinking at him in a daze and smirking. High fiving him as he asked him why he was in town.

Dave whipped out his phone, showing Eric a picture of Alyssa. At first he gave him some story about her running off while he was in the pen. Eric wasn’t buying it, he could see it written in the expression on his face. And that only made him angry. Eric owed him. He was here to collect the favor owed. All he wanted was for Eric to help him out on this one little thing.

Eric shook his head, chuckling in disgust. Gazing at him with a brow raised. “I think you need to leave, man. Now. You don’t want the heat this is gonna bring down on you. And I’m not about to get on a Serpent’s bad side, even if the Serpent in question is just a damn kid.”

“See, I’d like to just put this all behind me, man... but she’s the whole reason I even went to prison to begin with. Then I get out and find out not only is my girl not loyal, she’s also the one who snitched on me?” Dave eyed Eric. Getting irritated because this was not how he saw the conversation going.

“I’m telling you, you need to leave. Forget about Alyssa. I see her around all the time with some kid… Sweet Pea or Green Bean, some shit. The Serpents are not people you fuck with, man. Not around these parts.”

“You know the Serpents aren’t shit to me… Right?” Dave quipped, smirking. “I’ve got this under control. I just need you to help me out a little… C’mon, man. You owe me.”

“I don’t fucking care. I’m not helping you do whatever it is you’re here to do. What I oughta do is put a bullet in your fucking head for even thinking I’d be down for this shit. She’s a kid, man. A fucking kid... Favor or not, man… I’m on the Serpents side with this. Not yours. You need to leave.” Eric warned, giving Dave a firm glare as he folded heavily tattooed arms over his chest.

“Oh, so that’s how you’re playin, huh? Okay. Alright. All I wanna do is see her again. I’m not going to do anything. I just want to straighten things out. Get a little closure on the situation...”

Eric scoffed. “This coming from the king of overreaction. I don’t trust you.I’m breakin code of my gang by even talking to your ass. Nope. The answer is no. I’m not helping. Do whatever you have to do to me, but I’m not about to help you scare some kid. I’ve got better things to do with my time, buddy...”

Dave’s arm shot out and he pinned Eric against the door of his apartment. Smirking at him calmly. “I know you haven’t forgotten just how much your sorry ass owes me. Because that’s what this sounds like.”

“I guess that’s what it is then. Because I’ve seen what the Serpents can do. I’m not about to bring all that down on my head.” Eric stepped back inside his apartment, slamming the door in Dave’s face, leaving him to glare at the closed door and take a swing.

“Guess I’m doing this all by myself.” Dave mused as he turned and wandered down to a shitty dive bar nearby. He needed to have a few rounds. Come up with a plan.

And a little after midnight, after finding himself a few new talkative friends in some local Ghoulies, things were starting to look up for him. And he was slowly forming a plan.

Now he just had to wait. Pick his moment. Toy with her a little more.

“I’m so close I can almost touch you, scarlet. Soon… Soon you’re going to pay for running your mouth to mommy about me...” he smirked to himself as he unlocked his hotel room and stepped inside.

[maximumsunshine]

Christmas

This Christmas was on the rough side. My uncle passed away on Saturday morning, early and in his sleep. It isn't a huge shock. He'd been having heart troubles for about a year now. The timing was not so good though. So that did put a damper on things.

To balance it out, though, was the infectious energy from my kids. The two youngest especially. They all had a great Christmas.

Fuck. Death aside, I had a great Christmas. I spent time with my family and it was calm and just had good energy to it.

My sister wasn't able to meet up with us though. She has the flu and is sick in bed. So that sucked. Not I took a few dozen photos and sent them her way.

As for presents...

Sammy got some wonderful toys, books, and movies. I went on a studio ghibli binge and look forward to watching movies with her this week while we're all on break. She also got this wonderful knit unicorn hood/ scarf that looks super cute on her. Here, I'll show you!

Lucas is much harder to shop for. He got mostly books. I picked up a couple of books that when combined with a free program, will teach him some simple computer coding in a language geared towards kids and beginners. I also got him a copy of sims 3. A deluxe edition or whatever that had a couple of expansions. Honestly, I've barely seen him today, he's been so busy playing it.

Thomas got mostly a few big items. He needed a decent computer chair, a new desk, and a second monitor. So between me and my parents, we got him taken care of.

As for myself, I got a couple of really nice BIG candles I'm excited about. I got a little organizer for my crystals. I also got a tote bag purse that is identical to three one I've been using of and on for over half a decade. My old one is completely falling apart due to heavy use, so I asked for a replacement. It has a printing of Van Gogh's starry night on the side. I live this bag. I also was given an aloe vera plant to add to my expanding collection of green things I'm desperately trying to keep a live, despite being a serial killer of plants.

There were also a few smaller things each. I think we were all happy with our phat loots this year.

For dinner we had our traditional chili. It's a great filling meal that doesn't require anyone spending the holiday in the kitchen. I was reluctant to this tradition when we started it a few years back, but I've since come around. It's tasty and pretty much cooks itself. I prefer the time spent ot of the kitchen with those I love.

I feel like I'm forgetting things. Let's see...

On the first day of yule, which I'm learning to celebrate, my 15yo and I baked sugar cookies together.

Then on Christmas Eve the 7yo and I baked chocolate chip cookies together. After they were done, we curled up and read Fortunately the Milk by @neil-gaiman while we devoured fresh baked cookies and tall glasses of milk. It was great bonding time, though my throat is still a little raw from doing the voices. I'm great at reading aloud. My lungs and throat have trouble keeping up though.

Santa got fresh baked cookies too. For now, my Sammy still believes in Santa. I figure this might well be the last year of that. But my girl has magic in her heart.

Now it's 11 PM on Christmas night. The littles are in bed. The 15yo is quieted away. Pat is played fallout with their best friend. And I'm curled up with a great book.

I wish my sister had been able to join us. I wish my uncle hadn't died 3 days before Christmas. But we made the best of it, and are as content as we can possibly be considering.

Happy holidays everyone!

[corancoranthemagicalman]

💜🌻💜🌻💜🌻💜

My grandpa also has great disdain for recent music... he doesn't like anything after the 50s. So I think its funny that he likes Shrek and he'll watch it any time its on tv. I'm not familiar with Top Gun's soundtrack. I'll have to give Take My Breath Away a listen!

My dad words at a university and he used to bring me and my siblings to the international dinners he'd host. Students would always as me what I was studying and eventually when people started talking to me I'd introduce myself by saying I was my dad's daughter and that I was in high school. I'm not sure if any of them were ever hitting on me bc I was, and still am, pretty oblivious to flirtations. It sucks that you had to tell guys you were in high school to get them to back off. Glad to hear they did, though.

I used to be a hufflepuff when I was in university! I re-took the quiz twice about a year ago and was shocked to get Slytherin both times but I've embraced it. Most of the qualities are very positive except for cunning and I don't think that describes me at all.

I totally get that. I had a similar experience meeting my best friend at university. We clicked really fast and even after graduating I still hang out with her once a week. (The teenage drama movie life thing sounds awful but in high school I was definitely also on the outside of my friend circle) It sure has been hard recently to maintain friendships but I have more good friends right now than at any other point in my life.

I'll take your word for it that I give off painting/crocheting vibes! And I agree with you on the winter v. summer thing. Summer is my least favorite season. Partly because of how humid it is in the summer here.

My group just finished a campaign a few months ago and I played a gnome cleric. They started a new campaign but I felt like I needed a break bc the sessions are long and intense even though I really enjoy it. What class do you play?

The sweater is a commission actually! In university I led a crochet for beginners group and there were a few people that just couldn't ever get the hang of it :(

Did I see that you weren't feeling well today? If so I'm so sorry to hear that! I hope tomorrow treats you better 💜 (also sorry this is an entire novel I haven't spoken to anyone all day so I guess you're getting it all)

-🐧🌻

This got SO LONG so bestie I am replying undercut to you. If anyone wants to see me slowly bromance 🐧🌻 anon then read away lol.

I am envisioning your grandpa dancing to Smash Mouth and it brings me great joy. Oh, man, Top Gun has an AMAZING soundtrack. Danger Zone is a classic, but Take My Breath Away is such a romantic song. Please let me know what you think!!!

Aw, that's sort of wholesome though. I'd get that from the older ladies at my church lol. "What are you studying?"/"Algebra, usually." Which was a LAUGH. And to be honest, I'm a flirty person by nature. I think flirting is fun. But to be crude for a moment (and apologies), most of their flirting would be staring at my breasts. :/ But it was SUCH HIGH HOPES when they backed off. Like YES you GO performing the bare minimum by not being attracted to children. Bravo. But really, I've never had a dude flirt with me who wouldn't back off after me shutting them down, minor or not. So I'm very fortunate in that way. But I too can be fairly oblivious? First time I got asked out, I thought he was asking me to hang out with the friend group. Then he was like "... like a date." After I had asked where did we all wanna meet up. Lmaooooo.

We do change as we grow. I've been taking some personality quizzes for school in regards to the PMAI (Pearson-Marr Archetype Indicator) especially and it actually talks a lot about how at different times in your life you'll display different archetypes depending on what you're having to adapt to or overcome. So I think the same is true for Houses. What's peculiar to me about Houses is that when I was younger I was under the understanding that you were your House, right? But the older I got, I prescribe to the "your House is what you admire" type theology. So I might not embody a Hufflepuff in every action, but a Hufflepuff is what I aspire to be. I admire loyalty above all else. Loyalty and kindness. I might not always BE kind. I'm far too hot-headed to be the embodiment of a Hufflepuff, but I admire gentle souls the most. Ergo, Hufflepuff. I've always hated how Slytherins were associated with negative sounding modifiers. Cunning IS a negative word since by definition it's about achieving one's goals through deceit. But I dont understand why being quick-witted and clever couldn't have been the heavier association. I think Ravenclaw's are booksmart and Slytherin are streetsmart. Gryffindors are street tough, while Hufflepuff are ready to roll. Does that make sense? I think the whole cunning/silver-tongued thing was the stupidest idea, because then you are saying narratively that Slytherin IS the evil House. Why have the House at all? On a meta level, Harry begging not to be considered part of the Dark Side despite the actual Voldemort growing inside of him is symbolic in his rejection of Slytherin, but when you go on to merchandise and tell children you are a Slytherin; you're telling children they're evil. They're gonna be evil. And not in "this is the House for brats" way. In the "you either die a villain or live long enough to run away." insane. My point is they're OUR Houses now and I'm saying I think you're clever and quick-witted, and that's pretty Slytherin to me.

I'm very blessed to have her and I'm glad other people get to experience that too. I think everyone is deserving of deep connections like that. And I'm glad to hear you taking time for yourself away from dnd. Our sessions can be exhausting too, but half of my party is my literal blood family and the other half is adopted practically so we usually end up hanging out for half of the session. Makes it way less intense. That sounds like it was a fun character!! I haven't gotten the pleasure to play clerics all that much. Right now I'm in three different campaigns that alternate each week. In one I'm a druid, and that's our 5th edition campaign. I'm playing the new Wildfire from Tasha's and I haven't gotten to flex out the Wildfire Spirit yet, I am having fun. I've got a wolf who is using the sidekick mechanic in that game and he's so much fun to play too. In the other two games, those are 4th editions (the edition I grew up on and learned how to play) and in those I am a ranger and a class known as a Warden. Sort of a fighter/druid class. And the druid and the ranger are both shifters, and the warden is my half-orc. I'm always happy to talk dnd lol. Which cleric were you? Trickster Domain?

Also EWWW HUMIDITY I HATE IT. :(((

Dude, I WISH I could crochet. My fingers are so big tho, bestie. Makes it hard to do anything dexterous.

I'm already feeling much better :)) unfortunately not in time not to bomb half of my project. Whoops. But I'm blaming Glass Shark. He got me sick.

Dont apologize for the novel!! As you can see I'm capable of replying with a novel in turn lol. I hope you had a wonderful day today and that this next week treats you well!! Thank you for the well wishing 💕🌺💕🌺💕🌺💕🌺💕🌺💕

[rcklessmanitocre]

Heart broken. That's how I can say 2020 is ending for me. In all honesty, I am a broken person at this point. Drinking to much to cope with... Well, alot of previous trauma in my life. My family life when I was younger wasn't so great, nor was school for me, and as a 34 year old man, I wish it didn't effect me.

But it does.

Unfortunately, that causes me to find codependent women who wish to fix me, and that just breaks them down. That kind of toxic behavior, combined with heavy drinking is good for no one, and I need to get well before I can support a relationship. And leaving the recovery home only to come back... I need to focus on me and not some fantasy love life BEFORE I'm ready to engage in love again. You gotta love yourself before loving anyone else.

Luckily, I have a process and plan for the next year. Photography and Design have always been two passions of mine.

My canon RP is now my girlfriend. We spend alot of time shooting photos of the SF bay area in this pandemic time, and it's been healing in a way I can't describe. While my ex may have moved on (working on yourself, my ass!) I'm actually putting the work into myself, and the first thing I can say I'm proud of is my weight loss and muscle gain.

In 2018, I was 315 lbs. I nearly died in a shower, passing out after smoking a cigarette. And dispite my lapse, I still managed to work out and drop to 223. My goals are to drop that extra 23lbs, and get fit. Part of recovery is physical health, and I see no limit to what I can achieve healthwise. It's a long road for me, but I can either stay fat and unhappy, or man up and look my best. So I'll bite the bullet, keep running and lifting weights, and practicing my photography and web design so I can ACTUALLY have a decent life to call my own. It's been a failure of mine, getting distracted by love and not working on a career that I enjoy. Having a life worth living involves some responsibility, and competence is a huge part of self esteem. Plus, camera equipment is expensive. I need a job to afford not only the bay, but my hobbies and interests.

Another thing I've been doing is Moderation Managment. I barely fall into the category of people who can learn to moderate their drinking, so I'm choosing to abstance while I get back on my feet. I can't stand the old time, black and white thinking of Alcoholics Annoymimous. With medical advances like naltroxine and baclofin, plus trauma Threapy, hope for return to a normal drinking pattern exists. Hell, even in the big book it states a rare few can moderate with a few rules. And those nine steps of change can apply to so much more than drinking as well, like obsessive behavior and urges like sex. Jesus, the american healthcare system is so puritanical, it's no wonder we all are fat, sick, and dying. I hate overdrinking, and to know treating my underlying trauma and medication can help me, give me more hope than "you're an alcoholic." Fuck that.

Today, I'm working on a short video for my YouTube channel, about the exposure triangle. It's not my best work, and editing on my phone makes things alot harder. But it make me happy, and that's all I care about now. Working to keep myself busy what my life is about at this point, and I have hope that not only will I overcome all this bullshit, but grow into an amazing person this year. It's in the tarot cards, after all.

Check my channel out for video on recovery and photography.

Bonus: here's one of my latest photos:

The garage gym I workout in.