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theonewiththefanfics · 4 years

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Don’t Worry, Darling (one-shot)

Synopsis: Falling in love with a co-star is something that can hurt, especially when it seems like they’re talking to other people behind your back, but falling in love with a co-star and being unable to help when they’re sick, is even worse.

Pairing: Harry Styles x fem!Reader

Genre: angst, fluff, SMUT

Warnings: COVID-19, sickness, swearing, SMUT (fingering, m going down on f, unprotected sex (wrap it before you tap it))

Word count: 11 968 (yoikes)

Please note I’m not trying to make light of the pandemic or the virus and those impacted by it. It’s a very real and serious thing, which is why I decided to use it. Please stay safe and healthy, follow the local health guidelines and if you have the ability please get vaccinated. Let’s keep ourselves and one another safe, frens :)

When Y/N got the call she’d gotten the role of Jack’s ex-wife who’d disappeared in mysterious circumstances, she was over the moon. As a Marvel alumnus, she was excited to work with Florence, as she’d loved Midsommar, and knowing she was going to be one of the new faces carrying the next Marvel chapter, she wanted to get to know her. Having played Tony Stark’s adopted daughter since the age of six, she was very protective of the franchise but was excited to see where it’d go.

Then Shia LaBeouf, Chris Pine as well with Dakota Johnson’s announcements coming soon after, Y/N got even more stoked, and with Olivia Wilde leading all of them, she was sure the movie would be a hit.

Shia and Dakota had to drop out due to scheduling issues (which Y/N couldn’t lie – she was kind of happy Shia couldn’t do it), and that's where Harry Styles took over the role of Jack with Kiki Layne Dakota’s Margaret.

Now, when Y/N had seen Harry’s picture next to the re-cast e-mail the whole production had been sent out, she might’ve had a little (a massive, like a ginormous) freak-out. As much as she’d grown up listening to classic rock, due to Robert Downey Jr. and Iron Man, she’d been an avid One Direction fan. Like to the point, it might even seem a bit creepy. Y/N had sort of grown out of the obsessive phase of it all, but most definitely admired the solo albums they’d been able to produce, and when Dunkirk came out, she was excited to see Harry join the acting world, with the amount of talent he had.

The first table read was sort of awkward, and definitely the weirdest one, given how a pandemic had started, and everyone was at their respective homes using Zoom.

Y/N and Florence had been the first to join the conversation about half an hour before the official beginning, and by the time everyone else did, they were crying from laughter and had to excuse themselves from their computers to collect whatever remaining composure they had.

“You two alright?” Oliva Wilde had raised her eyebrow, as the women re-joined, still chuckling. “Will we have to use body doubles for the scenes you two are in?”

“No!

“Nohooo!” both of them yelled through laughter. “We’ll be as professional as professionals are. Which is very professional.”

Then Y/N made the mistake of glancing at Florence’s square, and the two busted out laughing again, spewing apologies in between, but no one seemed to really mind. In fact, it looked like they appreciated how casual and open everyone was being, hoping the set wouldn’t be stiff either when they moved onto filming.

And for the two women, it wasn’t really. Actually, they grew closer than ever. The amount of time Florence spent in Y/N’s trailer was to the point that the two started to talk about just moving in together. After scouring the nearby apartments for rent, they settled on a three-bedroom apartment, as two-bedroom ones were non-existent.

When Harry grew closer to them as well, given how he spent quite some time with both women, they suggested he move in as well.

“You know, what? I changed my mind. You’re taking away our closet, and I don't like that,” Y/N pouted, watching as Florence lifted a pile of her clothes and moved it to her room. “That’s not very ‘treat people with kindness’ of you.”

All he did was flick a finger at her forehead, which Y/N swatted away with a smile. When he’d double-checked about moving in with them (which, mind you was the seventh time, and half his stuff was already there), the two women were ecstatic. They got along amazingly on set and basically having a sleepover with friends every night suited all of them quite well.

At that moment, Y/N was sitting on the edge of her bed, knitting while Harry painted all of their toes and Florence put on facemasks.

“Wine!” Y/N suddenly exclaimed, almost knocking over the light blue nail polish bottle as she jumped up, throwing her needles back on the bed. “We need wine!”

“Do not ruin my masterpiece!” Harry hollered after her, as she waddled away on her heels, toes separated by foam and hight up in the air. She even had to manoeuvre around the carpet to avoid any hairs and fibres that could get stuck inside the still wet lacquer.

It took her a second to find a bottle all three of them could enjoy, given their tastes were so different – Y/N preferred sweet and red, and didn’t care if it was a three-dollar bottle from Target, Harry had a bit more of an expensive pallet, giving preference to something with a more of a lingering aftertaste and in the higher ranges of price point, while Florence liked rosé and white wines.

Taking two glasses in one hand and the bottle with a third glass between her fingers, she shuffled back to her room when she heard the two muttering something in low voices before Harry whispered harshly, “I’m not telling Y/N that!”

“Won’t me what?” Y/N’s question made him and Florence spring back where they’d been engaged in a heated conversation when she re-entered the room, putting the wine bottle and glasses on the nightstand.

Florence waved her off, giving her a smile, she didn’t believe in. “Nothing. Now come on, Harry will do your fingernails now, and I think it’s about time the mask came off.”

And that’s when Y/N’s heart dropped. She’d been in the industry long enough to know how fake people could be, how they could put on smiles so inviting and friendly while hiding their true intentions behind them. She just didn’t think two people she’d found so genuine and sweet would be like that.

And the thing was – it wasn’t the first time she’d heard the two whispering like that and hushing up when they saw her enter the room or even come somewhere near to them.

In the beginning, Y/N had chalked it up to the two being closer, given they had to spend more time together, so they knew one another better, but this time sort of solidified it wasn’t the fact the two were closer, it had to deal with Y/N specifically.

So, she started to distance herself. She’d had enough users in her life to last her for the rest of it. Y/N excused herself from the movie nights they had on most Fridays, she no longer joined in on the cooking sessions and mostly spent time in her room, or on work calls.

When she re-entered the flat, four weeks after their falling out, they watched as she nodded to them, and went inside her room, closing the door, much like she’d been doing for the past thirty days.

“Do you think she knows?” Harry asked, brows furrowed and bottom lip between his teeth as he hoped the doors would open, yet, obviously, they didn’t.

“Well, I haven’t told her, and unless you did, then I doubt it…”

Harry stood up, running a hand through his hair. “I’m gonna talk to her.”

“You think it’s a good idea?”

“No, but if she’s upset maybe she needs to talk to someone.”

“Or maybe she wants to be alone.”

Harry bit his lip thinking over Florence’s words. When he was upset about something, he himself did like to kind of retreat and become a little bit of a recluse, to sort out his emotions before anyone else tried to jump in and help with it, but the thing was – Y/N’s distancing started the night when she’d walked in on the two of them arguing, and it’d been about the girl in question herself, so he shook his head. “I’ll just ask if she’s alright.”

He took a deep breath and went to enter the room he hadn’t seen in almost a month. “Hey.” Harry poked his head through Y/N’s door, making her swirl around in her chair. She looked adorable to him. She’d changed into a big fluffy nightgown, the hood up, a headband pushing hair away from her face with a green facemask covering her skin. The domestic life flashed through Harry’s head like a freight train, as it was something he craved, but pushed it away. There was no daydreaming before figuring out what was in front of him in reality. “You okay?”

“ 'M fine.” She shot him a quick smile. “Why? Did Olivia send something new for the script?”

“Um, no, ‘s just you’ve been, I dunno – detached a bit?”

“Look, Harry… I may be younger than you, but I’ve been in this industry longer than you or Florence.” Y/N stood and shrugged before crossing her arms. “And the thing is – I don’t care for shit like that. So, you two can gossip and whisper and talk whatever you want about me behind my back. Everyone else is doing that so, you’re not that special. But’ I’d prefer if you did it somewhere else besides my room, my space, and I’ll say this once, but very clearly – we’re not friends. I don’t need friends like you. We’ll be civil and we’ll do our jobs, but…” Harry’s heart broke at her eyes, seeing the pain in them as she nodded and made sure he understood where she stood. “We’re not friends.”

She didn’t leave any room for argument. When Harry left, Y/N didn’t even look over her shoulder to see him exit.

The next couple of mornings she didn’t see them leave nor come back, seeing as Y/N had the week off from filming, but the morning of the seventh day was awkward as hell, given how all of them had to go and get tested, and well, they had their allocated time slots one after the other. Usually, they’d take one car together, but this time, Y/N drove off on her own, while Harry and Florence carpooled on their own.

The tests were always nerve-wracking. If one person went down, the whole production did for at least two weeks. And as much as she hated going in alone, she was glad no one was with her in the car, because as she stepped out, a certain notion swept over her that this would be a lot different than usual.

A doctor dressed head to toe in protective gear motioned for her to sit down, as another processed her ID and work ID. Her leg was bouncing up and down the whole time, and he eyed her. If she could see his lips, she was sure they’d be pursed. “Anything wrong?” He handed her back the IDs before moving to the table where a set of large q-tips seemed to lay in sterile packs.

Y/N sighed, biting her lip and nodded. “Woke up with a sore throat and a small cough appeared on my way here as well. I wiped and cleaned everything down at the apartment I’m staying at and wore gloves and a mask the whole time.”

“Anything else?” the doctor asked, writing down each word as Y/N said. “The feeling of breaking bones, fever, muscle pain, eyes hurting when you look up, lost sense of smell or taste?”

“No, nothing like that. Just a sore throat and a small cough.”

The doctor let out a large sigh, probably from having to wear a full-on hazmat suit. “Alright. Just for safety reasons, so we know who’s a potential contact person, who are you staying with?”

“Florence Pugh and Harry Styles. We’re renting an apartment together.”

“Do you know if they’ve had any symptoms?”

“No,” Y/N shook her head honestly. “And I haven’t really interacted with them this past week, as they’ve been on set, and I didn’t have any scenes to film, and by the time they get back, I’m already asleep, and I’m still asleep when they leave so there’s been no direct contact. We have our own kitchenware, so there shouldn’t be any direct contact. I think.”

That last bit was half-true, seeing as she hadn’t been asleep when they came back, but she might as well have been. The second Y/N heard the door click, she’d place her headphones on or leave the room, only glimpsing the two faces falling as she did that.

The doctor clearing his throat and motioning for Y/N to open her mouth so he could take a swab and then to do the same for both her nostrils, was what brought her out of it. She was so used to it, it was like nothing at that point. “Okay. We’ll need you to stay in the car while the test is being run, and if it comes back positive, you’ll be placed in a separate flat, as to not endanger the rest.”

Her ‘alright’ was barely audible. Fuck. It just felt like the universe was against her. First, the two people she’d gotten closest to were whispering behind her back and being fake to her face, now she might have a super contagious virus to which there was no medicine really, nor was there a vaccine, let alone the thought she’d have to miss filming for potentially more than two weeks.

The thirty minutes of wait were agonizing, her leg bouncing up and down. Y/N’s eyes kept watching the line of cars slowly move forward through the tent and then settle behind hers. She knew Harry was about five cars away, and she was glad he wasn’t closer. They weren’t really allowed to get out of their vehicles while the tests were being run, and Y/N didn’t think she’d be able to not look back at him through her review mirror.

Two more minutes passed when finally, one of the med students in the full hazmat suit came up and knocked on her car window.

“Miss Y/L/N?”

“Yes?”

“ID please.” It was standard so that no med info got leaked. The only reason she had to rummage through her stuff was, because she’d bite the little plastic card in half if she didn’t throw it somewhere deep inside her bag.

“So.” The man sighed, and he didn’t need to elaborate. Y/N understood, but still, he had to confirm it to her. “Your test came back positive for COVID-19. The production has been informed, and for safety reasons, everyone will have to self-isolate for two weeks.”

Y/N’s head slammed against the back of the seat. “Fuck. Okay.”

“Because so far, you’re the only positive case, you’ll be placed into quarantine. We’ll need the address you’re staying at, and if you need anything from your apartment, we can send someone over to grab a few things. You’ll have to follow the black SUV right there.” He pointed further down the lot where indeed a black SUV stood. “They’ll take you to where the quarantine apartments are. Is there anything immediate you’ll need?”

“I – uh – I need my pills, my birth control that is. I take it every evening. Computer, chargers. That’s the most immediate I can think of. Maybe some food? I didn’t get the chance to eat breakfast.”

Even through the mask, Y/N could see the man smile. “Well arrange that. In the meantime, here’s the number for the coordinators who’ll get you the rest of your things and deliver them to you.”

“Thank you. I’ll call my assistant, and she’ll drive down to the apartment. She knows where everything is.”

“Have you been in close contact with her?”

“Just through the phone. She hasn’t been on set in almost a month, as I told her only to come when it’s an emergency… Guess this is it.” Y/N let out an awkward chuckle.

And truly that was it. With one last motion as to where the SUV stood, she started back up the engine, reversed out of the spot and followed the car to where the ‘Don’t Worry Darling’ production had set up a few quarantine apartments, specifically for actors and crew, speed-dialling her assistant Anna and letting her know of the situation.

“Shit, girl,” she’d cursed. “That sucks.”

“Tell me about it.”

“Okay,” Anna huffed. “Do you have a spare key for the apartment by any case or do I need to go down to the lot and ask Harry or Florence?”

“Both of them will be at the apartment, given how everything’s shut down, so they should be able to open the door for you. Hopefully, if both of them are negative. If not, call me, I’ll tell you where we hide the spare. Thank you, Anna.”

“Of course.”

As Y/N pulled up behind the SUV, a man and a woman in face guards and masks stepped out. She ended the call and stepped out as well, pulling on a cloth face mask, an envelope in their hands, which they handed to her.

“Your flat’s on the third floor, 367. When you have the list of things you need, forward them to us, and we’ll gather your things.”

Y/N nodded and gave them a tight smile. “Thank you. I’ll be as quick as I can.”

With a sigh, she took her bag and entered the complex. As much as she’d only had a small cough in the morning and a sore throat, walking up those flights of stairs made her winded more than it usually would. Maybe it was the knowledge she had a sickness, or maybe it was stress about missing work and putting everyone on lockdown, or maybe it was the combination of it all with her falling out with Harry and Florence on top.

She placed the key in the lock and twisted, revealing a studio type apartment, and it was so bare it made her heart clench. As much as she felt awkward being around Florence and Harry, their flat was a bit messy, had little pieces of clothing thrown around, giant knitted blankets on the sofas, a candle always lit whenever someone was home. Harry’s shoes were typically all over the place while Y/N’s make up was scattered around everywhere. Literally. Florence and Harry had gotten back early one morning from a night shoot and found her looking under the sofas for one of her lash glues as she started to get ready for the day. They’d made that flat their home for the time being. This… this was nothing like that.

She threw the keys on the small kitchen counter and shrugged off her jacket. They was going to be a long two weeks. At best.

***

Back at their place, Florence and Harry were pacing around, having heard the news that someone was positive, and everything had to shut down for the time being, yet Y/N was nowhere to be seen when a knock at the door disrupted them.

Harry was there and flinging it open in a matter of a second, only to be stopped by Anna instead of Y/N.

“Hey.” His brows furrowed as she and two people all wearing masks and gloves entered. “What’s going on? Is Y/N alright?”

Anna sighed, nodding her head for the two strangers to go towards the woman’s room. “She was the one who tested positive for the virus. Gave me a list of the things she’d need while in quarantine. We’re here to pick ‘em up and get them to her.”

“And she’s not doing that here?”

“Per the safety instructions, she’s been placed in a separate flat in self-isolation.”

“She could’ve done that here. We’d be fine with it,” Florence butted in, arms crossed over her chest. “We’re more than willing to take care of her. She’ll need someone to help her.”

“You both tested negative.” One of the people piped up, carrying a box of books and yarn. “I’m sorry, but she’ll have to quarantine separately until she’s no longer infected. She’s under the supervision of doctors, and she knows if an emergency happens, they’ll be there in ten minutes tops. I’m sorry, but this is how it has to be.”

Harry sighed, nodding as the people exited their place, but before Anna could leave, he took hold of her bicep. “Hey, can you please tell her to call me? I just wanna talk.”

“I uh – ” Anna furrowed her brows, showing Harry that Y/N hadn’t said anything to her about the falling out they’d had. “I’ll uh, yeah. I’ll do that.”

With that he was left to close the door and just wait for… anything.

***

In the two hours Y/N had spent in the apartment, she already felt like going insane, having been left alone with her thoughts, so how she was going to do another two weeks after finally getting back into the rhythm of work was beyond her. She didn’t have any of her knitting supplies, didn’t have any of her books (yet), and most likely there was no reason to look at her script anymore, as she’d made up her mind about a lot of things.

There was a knock at the door, and Y/N instantly had a mask on her face and gloves on her hands. She peeped through the peephole and when she saw boxes lined in the hallway, three people in masks and faceguards at least six feet away, only then did she open the door and give them a wave.

“Everything should be here, but if you need anything else just pop me a message.” Anna then pointed at a bag that sat atop everything. “There are the most important things, so you don’t have to rummage through everything and a pizza is on the way while I do some grocery shopping for you. And umm, there’s a paper you need to sing that you know you need to be in self-isolation and that you understand what happens if you’re not.”

Y/N hoped all of them understood she was smiling underneath the mask, grateful for having them help her out like that. “Thank you. So much.”

She rushed inside found a pen and signed it, moving between the boxes to place the papers on the stairs so that they could be safely retrieved. With that, the two assigned people left, leaving Anna to say goodbye.

“Call me.” She pointed at Y/N. “No matter what, even if you just wanna talk for five seconds.”

“Will do.” Y/N nodded and gave her a thumbs up. “If I could, I’d hug you.”

Anna sighed, cocking her head. “Same. And umm, Harry told me to ask you to call him.”

“Yeah, uh thank you.” She knew he probably wanted to talk, so it wasn’t that big of a surprise, but it still made her stumble on her words. “Take care, Anna.”

“You too.”

***

The next two days Y/N spent worrying as to how to present her decisions to the cast and crew. She felt worse with every hour, and with that had come her thought process, but as much as everyone was going to be impacted by what she was going to do, Olivia would be the one dealing with it most, so later that night she hopped on a Zoom call with her director.

“Hey, girl.” Olivia gave her a warm smile, and Y/N almost melted. God, she loved that woman. She was like the older sister she never had. “How are you doing?”

“I’m alright. Feelin’ kind of woozy from time to time, throat’s killing me, and I’m fairly certain I’m getting abs from how much I’m coughing.” That made both of them chuckle before Y/N bit her lip and ran a hand through her hair. “Look,” she sighed, looking at Olivia. “The reason I called you is that umm… well, I think it’d be a lot more cost-effective for you to re-cast me. We’ve barely shot one scene with me. I’ll be out of commission for two weeks, as a minimum. It could get worse. And I’m definitely not going to be back before I get two negative consecutive tests.”

Olivia shook her head, running down her hands over her face and then through her hair. “Y/N, I really don’t want to do this. There’s a reason we cast you. You’re amazing, and yours and Harry’s chemistry is off the charts. We’re all quarantining for two weeks, and I’m sure you’ll be fine in no time, back on set and killing it like you always do.”

“You don’t know that.”

“Of course, I do! Nothing’s gonna happen to you.”

“All I’m saying it could take up to a month to get those two negative tests. By that point, you could’ve shot at least a fourth of my scenes. Olivia…” Y/N gave her a small, sad smile. “I know you know I’m right. I hate to pass on this, but I won’t hinder the production. If you want my input, I’ll help with the re-casting, if it takes the guilt away.”

“I still feel like shit this is an option we even have to consider.”

“’S not your fault. You didn’t get me sick. We should be happy it’s just me, not someone else or more than one person.”

***

For two more days, it was radio silence from Y/N, and Harry and Florence were anxious messes. If they could distract themselves from the falling out while on set, then now, having to be cooped up inside the apartment with pretty much nothing to do, was so much worse, not to mention Y/N declined all of their calls and left their messages on read, leaving the only option for checking in either through Anna or what she decided to share on her social media, which wasn’t a lot. But the thing was, Harry knew his best bet was to call Y/N in the middle of the night. Disorientated and barely awake, she probably wouldn’t look at the caller ID once. And he was right.

A bleary face appeared on his screen, eyes squinting as she tried to block out as much of the light as possible. “Hello?” Her voice was scratchy, and Harry’s heart clenched at just how much pain her throat must be in, let alone how she was feeling as a whole.

“Hey, there, lovie.”

It took her a second to comprehend the person who was speaking, and she’d be lying if she said hearing Harry’s voice didn’t bring her some sort of joy. “Hey, H. Are you alright? Why are you still up?”

“I couldn’t sleep. Kept thinking about you.”

Y/N hummed, rolling on her side, and immediately regretting it as the action elicited a coughing fit. “Yeah?” she asked hoarsely. “ ’Nd what about me?”

‘How shitty I feel about everything’, ‘I miss you’, ‘I’m so fucking terrified’, but instead he asked, “How are you doing?”

“Alright,” Y/N croaked out before her body was racked with coughs once more. Harry’s own chest hurt just hearing them. “Fever’s finally down, so I’m getting some sort of sleep. Throat’s killing me though, and they’ve hooked me up to an IV. They’ll be coming in two hours or so to change the bag. How are you?” she asked quietly. “How’s Florence?”

“She’s alright. Upset. Just like I am.”

Y/N’s brows furrowed. “Why’re you upset?”

“Are you kidding me? You’re sick, alone in quarantine and… and we can’t help you. I can’t help you.”

A genuine chuckle escaped her. “Didn’t know you had a medical degree, Styles. Could be my personal nurse. Fetch me my water and shit.”

“No, but at least I’d like to be there for you.”

“Harry…”

“I like you,” he said after taking a deep breath, hoping that the break he’d heard in Y/N’s voice as she’d said his name wasn’t just because of the sickness, but because her heart thudded just as fast as his when he thought of them together, that her mind reeled with the possibilities of where their futures could take them and that whenever they touched, she could feel the electricity that ran through his fingertips, igniting his whole body. “That’s what Florence and I were whispering about all the time. Is that I’m madly crushing on you, and I couldn’t gather the courage to say it to you.”

A strong coughing fit made her drop the phone on the bed and lean over, as she gasped for breath, and through it all, all Harry wanted was to be there. Fuck him possibly getting the virus, as long as he could make it easier for her in some way.

“ ’M sorry,” Y/N whispered, trying to keep her voice as low as possible as to not aggravate her throat. “Harry, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, there’s nothing to apologise. You’re sick, you can’t help –”

“No,” she shook her head. “I’m sorry I assumed you and Florence were talking bad behind my back. I never should’ve done that. And this is not an excuse, I’m not trying to shift the blame from being in the wrong, but I like you too.” She gave him a shy grin that he thought was as bright as the sun. “I really like you too, Harry. I think that’s why it hurt so much to hear you two whispering ‘bout something. And thinking it was about me, and it was something bad, hurt even more, ‘cause I really connected with Flo, and I kinda, well I kind of fell for you. Hard.”

“You did?” His tone was like he didn’t believe what his ears were hearing.

“Yeah. A lot actually… I – I really like you, Harry.”

He couldn’t explain how his heart expanded in his chest while simultaneously was being crushed by his inability to help, by the distance between them, while the hope that glimmered in his eyes at Y/N’s words made her heart break as much as his was, when he asked, “So you won’t resign?”

“Harry,” Y/N made her voice as tough as it could sound with her condition. “I told them to re-cast me not because of you. I’ve been on enough sets and worked with enough pricks, and still gotten the job done. Genuinely, this is not because of you or Florence. I just – I just don’t want to hold up production. You’ll all be out in what – twelve days or something? I’ll be here for at least twice that, if everything goes the way it’s going right now.”

“I don’t want anyone else to play Larie. You are my Larie,” he muttered, which made Y/N smile, but in a true Y/N fashion she just wanted to make others feel better.

“You do know Jack murders Larie in the middle of the night.”

Harry’s mouth opened like a fishes’ while Y/N’s mouth pulled up in a grin. “That’s – that’s not what I mean, and you know it!”

Both of them were laughing now, all tension having evaporated.

“I know.” She bit on her lower lip. “But um… we’ve gotta be practical. I sent Olivia my resignation letter already, and she signed.”

She saw Harry sigh and throw back his head at her words.

“ ’M sorry, Haz. I didn’t want to but –”

“I know.” His smile was gentle, understanding. “You always put everyone before yourself. God, this just sucks major ass.”

“Trust me,” Y/N started before being interrupted by another major coughing fit. “I –,” she took in a breath. “I know.”

Her heart cracked seeing Harry’s face and his green eyes, the eyes she’d gotten lost in more times than she’d ever admitted being lined by tears. “I wish I could help you.”

“But you are. Just by – by talking to me, by keeping my mind off things. You’re helping me more than you’ll ever know.”

“When you get out, I’m taking you on a date.”

Y/N couldn’t help the smile that bloomed on her face. For the first time in a while, she felt good, despite being sick. “Is that a threat, Styles?”

“It’s a fucking promise.”

That night she fell asleep listening to Harry talking, seeing as it became harder and harder for her to do so, so he just took over, telling her stories that lulled her to dreamland where he was there, and she could touch him.

The following days she also had calls with Florence and the rest of her cast to explain the situation, but she wasn’t doing much talking anymore, and one night they’d even seen her almost throw up from coughing so much, which broke everyone’s hearts. They were lucky the only Covid case before Y/N had been a light one, so witnessing just how brutal it could be, made everyone appreciate what they had, but at the same time, feel as helpless as ever.

A week and a half in, that was when shit really hit the fan. Despite her feeling shitty the previous days, now Y/N woke up from the feeling as if she was drowning. She’d fallen asleep while talking with Harry on FaceTime, his features illuminated on her phone. At first, she thought it was just her dream still lingering and causing that effect, but when after a minute or so her lungs still remained on fire, she knew she had to dial the doctors.

In five minutes’ time, an ambulance was at her door, and it was a miracle she’d been able to get out of bed to open it because the second she did, her whole body pretty much collapsed into the arms of one of the nurses.

***

“Come on,” Harry muttered into the phone, pulling on a pair of trousers as quickly as possible and a knitted sweater he took from the floor as he immediately tried to redial her, having heard the call drop. “Come on! Pick up, Y/N!” Her voicemail answered instead.

“Damn it!”

It took Harry seven minutes with the way he was driving to get to her assigned isolation place, only to be greeted by red and blue flashing lights, an ambulance right in front of the entrance, and it took Harry five seconds to feel his heart drop as a team of three doctors wheeled out a gurney on which lay Y/N, face covered in a mask, an IV stuck inside her arm while a huge plastic cover domed over her body.

Without even thinking about himself or his safety, Harry jumped out of his car, rushing towards the ambulance.

“Sir.” One of the doctors extended a palm towards him, keeping him back as Harry tried to get towards the inside of the car. “Sir, you can’t be here.”

“Is that Y/N?” Harry felt like he was spinning out of control, and his mind was dizzy from not being able to take in a proper breath. “Is – is that Y/N?”

“Are you family?”

“I –,” Harry so desperately wanted to say yes, to say he was her boyfriend at least, but he couldn’t lie. “No, I’m just her collegue – friend! I’m her friend. Is she alright?”

“Okay, well is there anyone we can contact from her family?”

Harry nodded, knowing that her mum and dad were on her emergency contact lists. “But her family is out of the country, and they won’t be able to fly out with all the restrictions in place.”

“Alright.” The doctor sighed before looking back inside the car. In a way, Harry was happy he couldn’t see Y/N because he was sure if he did, he’d completely break down and crumble to the ground. “We’ll contact her parents, but if you could leave us your number as an emergency contact on place that’d be a lot of help.”

“Okay, uh…” Harry took in a deep breath, held it for five seconds and then let it out before reciting the number he used while in the USA and his permanent UK number as well, so he could be reachable anywhere and at any point in day or night, no matter the time.

“Well keep you up to date.”

And with that, the ambulance doors shut, and they rushed away, the vailing of sirens echoing in the dark night, leaving Harry with a hand in his hair, tears streaming down his cheeks and without a clue as to what to do.

***

In the end, Harry had gone back to his car and cried for what felt like ages, but instead, it was just twenty minutes. He pulled himself together but was still shaking as he made his way back to the flat where Florence basically ripped open the door. Seeing his face told her everything she needed to know.

“She’ll be alright,” the woman muttered as she soothed Harry by rubbing a palm up and down his back, letting him hide his face in her shoulder. “It’s Y/N. She’d pull through an atomic bomb.”

They spent the rest of the night and the following day on the couch, glued to Harry’s phone waiting for any sort of updates. From time to time a text message came from the hospital letting them know what procedures were being done on Y/N, that her parents have been informed, and if necessary, they’d allowed Harry to be the main contact person because of his proximity to their daughter.

Three days later and the quarantine for the rest of the cast and crew ended, yet when they returned to the set, everyone was in low spirits. Especially, Harry – he was miserable. Every moment spent not reciting lines or acting was occupied with the thoughts of Y/N, how she was doing, was she improving, was she still breathing, how he wanted to just ditch everything and run to her, to help in whatever way he could.

“This sucks,” Florence grumbled, arms crossed over her chest as they took a break while re-setting already in for the fifth day of filming, eight since Y/N’d been in the hospital. “Can’t believe they won’t allow a phone in with her.”

“It’s the same policy for everyone, but trust me,” Harry sighed and looked up at the bright blue sunny sky above. “The number of times I got out of my bed in the middle of the night and had the car keys in hand is ridiculous. And the number of times I’ve thought about breaking into that hospital is even more concerning.”

Florence let out a small chuckle and nudged his shoulder. “I’d cover for you if you did. As long as she doesn’t have to be there alone.” She hung her head, blond strands falling down to curtain her face. “Can’t imagine how scared she must be.”

Harry just sighed. There really wasn’t anything he could say.

Something vibrated in his pocket, but he no longer furrowed his brows when unknown numbers called, knowing it was from the hospital. It was nerve-wracking though to pick up the call each time because he had to mentally prepare himself for the possibility of bad news, even though he always hoped for good ones.

“Yes, hi. Hello. I – oh,” he put a hand over his mouth and sagged down onto a chair. “Oh, thank god, thank you, doctor. Yeah. Yes, I’ll let her know, and someone will be there to open the flat. Thank you again. For everything.”

He took away the phone from his ear and stared at the ground for a minute before leaping up and hugging Florence, laughter escaping his mouth.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. Nothing’s wrong, it’s the opposite. Y/N’s out of the hospital.”

“Oh thank god!” Her hands flew to hug him back.

“She’ll have to stay in self-isolation until the two negative tests and will be monitored by the doctors, but she’s out.”

Immediately he was dialling her, and Harry had never been as happy for the invention of a video call, because when he saw Y/N’s face light up the screen, as tired as she looked, it was the most beautiful sight that graced his eyes.

“Hey, lovie.” His voice was soft and low as if anything louder would worsen her state.

Her ‘hey’ was barely audible, but he heard it, and it made the weight of a boulder drop off his shoulders.

“I’m so – I mean we all are so happy you’re back home.”

Y/N smiled, shaking her head. “I’m happy too,” she whispered. “I missed you. Missed everyone, but most of all I missed you.”

Harry was happy they were separated by a screen because if she was anywhere in a five-mile radius, he was sure she would be able to hear his heart beat out of his ribcage at her words. “How are you feeling?”

“ ‘M alright,” Y/N tried to let him know. “Very tired.”

“Then get back to sleep, lovie.”

Y/N shook her head. “Wanna talk to you.”

“I’ll keep talking,” Harry promised. “Like we did before, okay.”

“Okay…”

And so, he did. He kept talking as Y/N listened, and he watched as her eyes slowly closed before she drifted off to sleep. Even though Harry had to go back to filming, he didn’t dare end the call. He’d never end the call.

***

It took a month and a half for Y/N to get those two consecutive negative tests, to feel somewhat human again and when she did, she probably garnered at least seven speeding tickets with how fast she was driving down to the set.

It was the most inconspicuous outfit she could scramble together, consisting of a hoodie and baseball cap, as she watched Harry as Jack lean down to peck the actress’s lips, then step into the vintage car and rev out in the driveway, while a dishevelled Florence started the scene from the side, eyes racking over Jack’s first wife, who was dressed the exact same way, hair styled like hers and even nails painted the same, her character putting all the puzzle pieces together.

“And cut!” Olivia yelled across the lot, nudging Y/N’s side and giving her a smirk. “He’s gonna freak. You’re all he’s been talking about on set. We almost had to put a ban on you as a topic,” she muttered that part so only the woman could hear while telling everyone to re-set, so they could do the scene from another angle, but not before asking the three actors to come and look at the monitors so they could understand how to move in order to keep the continuity.

Y/N moved to the side, ducking her head down as Harry, Florence and Mandy, the actress that took over her role, all leaned closer to watch the monitors. Y/N had to bite on her lip to keep the grin away, as all of them analysed their movements and the scene, nodding along to what Olivia was saying.

“Y/L/N, what do you think?” Olivia asked, grinning.

Y/N stepped forward a bit, seeing all of their shocked faces through her peripheral, as she pointed to the screen, lifting her head so that everyone could see her face fully. “I think it’s great, you might want to step to the side a bit more, Harry, when –” but she was unable to finish the sentence as he swooped her in his arms, lifting her basically off the ground, and burying his face in her neck.

“Watch the hair! Daniele will have a fit if you ruin her masterpiece!” Y/N laughed, holding one of her hands on the base of his neck, the other tightly wrapped around his shoulders, but he just shook his head, and she could feel tears splash her skin.

“Fuck the hair!” He let out a small chuckle, and she could hear the lump in his throat. “I’ve missed you so much. I was so scared.”

“Same,” Y/N whispered. “Missed you like crazy. And your stupid, unfunny dad jokes.”

“ ‘M hilarious, lovie, what are you talking about?”

He finally set her down but didn’t let go of her waist, and she smiled cupping his cheeks. “A true comedian, that’s what you are.”

“I know. Why’dya think I got that SNL slot?”

But his eyes, as he gazed into hers once more glassed over.

“Hey,” Y/N cooed wiping away the tears running down his cheeks. “Don’t cry. Please don’t cry, cause then I’ll cry, and we’re both gonna be crying messes, and then these guys will have to deal with that.”

Harry sighed, leaning into her touch. “Happy tears, lovie. All happy tears.”

The two looked at one another as if there was no one else in the universe. And for the two of them, there really wasn’t. Neither had to say what was on their minds, they already knew.

His face was inching closer to Y/N’s, and heart started to beat erratically, not that Harry minded, as his palm rested in the middle of her back. In fact, his own heart mimicked the rhythm, but it stuttered when someone behind him cleared their throat and interrupted their moment.

Y/N hid her face in Harry’s chest as he sighed at Olivia’s raised eyebrow.

“You’ll be able to smooch as much as you want, but we need him in hair and make-up.”

“Oli-“

“Now,” she let out a small laugh. “Before Daniele removes my head from my shoulders.”

“Go,” Y/N patted his side. “I’ll still be here.”

“Is that a threat?”

She grinned up at him. “A fucking promise.”

Harry dashed away like lightning, hoping that the quicker he was done, the sooner he could have Y/N back in his arms even if it was for a second, but her attention was taken by a woman with long blond curls, a flowing green slip on her figure; her steps unsure as was the wave she gave her, but Y/N’s heart melted at the sight of her.

“Hey, Flo,” she whispered and brought the girl in a bone-crushing hug, holding onto her, trying to convey how much she regretted her words and actions, especially because they were unwarranted.

“I’m so sorry,” Y/N said, and she nodded.

“Me too.”

Y/N shook her head. “You’ve got nothing to be sorry about. I shouldn’t have assumed.”

“And I should’ve made sure Harry pulled his head out of his ass.”

That made both of them laugh, and it was nice to do it not only without having to cough up her insides, but to do it with someone she’d connected with and had become great friends with.

“He did that. I just hope if he wants to make another move, it won’t take me dying to push him to.”

Florence pointed at her, a serious look on her face. “I’ll kill him with my bare hands if he does.”

A small noise of someone clearing their throat from behind Y/N took both of their attentions for them to go onto the actress who’d been cast as her replacement, the woman coming forward and extending her hand for a handshake with a nervous smile. “Hi. I’m Mandy.”

“ ‘S very nice to meet you.” Y/N tried to give off as open and accepting of a vibe as much as possible, because she genuinely wanted Mandy to feel respected and that she wasn’t a threat. “Before you think anything if you’re worried about me taking the role, don’t. It’s all yours, so don’t worry about that. I just stopped by ‘cause I hadn’t seen anyone in almost two months. Never thought I’d say this, but fuck did I missed people.”

Mandy shook her head, her smile a lot lighter and brighter now. “I – uh thank you for that actually. I’m a huge fan of yours, and well, can only try and live up to what you would’ve portrayed.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll absolutely kill it, and I can’t wait for the movie.”

It was great to see Mandy’s shoulders drop in relief. “Would it be too much if I asked for advice on the role?”

“No,” Y/N laughed. “But I would say that you should make this role your own. It is yours. You are Larie now. And Harry’s Jack. Make it yours.”

As she said that, she turned to watch Harry who was practically bouncing on his feet, green eyes flitting back to where she was standing, and when their gazes met, neither could help the smiles blooming on their faces.

“You know he messed up a scene once and said your name?”

Y/N’s brows furrowed as she looked over at Mandy. “What do you mean ‘said my name’?”

“It was a kissing scene. The wedding bit, actually. As Jack and Larie recited their vows, and he leans down to kiss her, he was supposed to say, ‘I’ll love you Larie, until the very end’. He said your name instead.”

That hit Y/N more than a semi-truck wheeling a ton of bricks would. Yes, she knew Harry liked her, and he knew she liked him, but love was a big word, and for him to admit that, whether it was a flub or not, was even bigger.

Harry was a private person. While he openly talked about what he felt, he guarded heart at the same time, much like Y/N did. But she had to wait until Olivia yelled cut for the day, and had to watch him make a mad dash for hair and make-up before running to the dressing trailer as he didn’t want to miss out on a second he could spend with her. Even as they walked up to their shared flat and he opened the door, his fingers stayed intertwined with hers.

“How does it feel to be back?”

“Kinda shitty, honestly,” Y/N laughed throwing the keys to the table and shrugging out of the jacket and taking off the cap, Harry immediately helping her and putting it on one of the racks. “I’ll have to move out, now that I’m not part of the movie.”

“Why? ‘S not like the production is paying our rent, we’re doing it out of our own pocket.”

“Yes, but now that I don’t have a job, I kinda need to look for one.”

“And what says that you can’t live here while you do that?”

“I –,” Y/N’s brows furrowed. “I mean nothing, really… I just… kinda thought because I’m not part of the movie anymore it’d be safer if I found my own place. But um… I think I have something else I’d like to talk about. Mandy,” Y/N dragged out her name a bit, a sly smirk appearing on her face, “told me you had a flub on set.”

Harry’s heart was pounding underneath her palm where she’d grabbed onto the lapels of his dress shirt, so he couldn’t run away.

“I’ve uh,” he let out a nervous laugh. “I’ve had a couple of flubs on set. Who hasn’t?”

“I don’t doubt that. But she said you misspoke a name.”

She made him look into her eyes and wouldn’t dare let their gaze break. “You said my name during the wedding scene. You said Y/N. Not Larie.”

Harry looked like a cross between a deer in headlights and a fish out of the water, eyes wide with his mouth opening and closing, no sound coming out, which made Y/N worry a bit.

She placed a palm against his cheek. “Harry? You alright?”

“I – I meant it.” He let out a deep sigh and leaned down to press his forehead to hers. “And when I thought back on it, I don’t remember seeing her face or Larie’s face. It was yours. And the lips I was kissing belonged to you too. I was holding your hand, and you were holding mine. And I know it’s way too quick, for a wedding -”

“Unless you threaten me with it –”

“I –,” Harry stuttered before laughing, all tension evaporating from his body. “No, that I don’t want to be a threat. That will be a question asked with love and hopefully an answer given to it the same way.”

Y/N nudged his nose with hers. “Well, we’ll see. I mean if you don’t kiss me what makes you th–,”

But she didn’t get a chance to finish the sentence before his lips were on hers, pressing with such gentleness, it made her weak at the knees, and she would’ve crumbled if Harry’s arms handn’t woven around her middle, fingers pressing into the sides, the pressure increasing with each second their mouths were connected.

Harry’s hand drifted up Y/N’s back and settled on her neck as if he could pull her any closer, her own palms slipping over his stomach, pecks and grabbing onto his jaw, fingers lightly scratching at the stubble that’d grown throughout the day. He had to shave every morning for the role of Jack, but each evening she’d see a small, darkened shadow across his skin, and Y/N would be lying that when she’d realised her attraction to him, she hadn’t thought about how delicious it would feel to have it leave small burn marks on the inside of her thighs.

Unconsciously, she clenched her thighs, trying to create some sort of friction which became more and more unbearable as she felt Harry moan into her mouth, tongue sweeping against her lower lip, asking for permission without words, which Y/N granted without a second to spare.

It was heavenly to have him so close to her. She did wonder if the sensation was intensified by the fact, she hadn’t been able to touch anyone properly for almost two months, but that thought vanished when his fingers skimmed underneath her hoodie, brushing against her heated skin. No. It was because it was Harry.

“I –,” he was breathless as he pulled away, but Y/N didn’t let him get too far, her lips attaching themselves to his neck, making him groan in pleasure. “I don’t want to push this too far.”

Her brows scrunched up, as she took a look at him. “What do you mean? If you think I don’t want this, then let me be perfectly clear – I do. A lot.”

Harry chuckled, shaking his head. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m so fucking glad you do, but… Y/N you just got out of the hospital, where you were on a ventilator. I don’t want to make anything worse.”

“Not your choice to make.” A devious smile appeared on her face, as she stepped a few feet away and lifted her hoodie over her head, making Harry inhale sharply. “So here are your two options.” Her hands went behind her back, unclasping her bra and letting it slowly drop to the floor, the green eyes that hadn’t left her now wide as saucers. “Number one.” She toed off her boots and popped open the button of her jeans. “We can stop this, obviously, just say the word, and I get to my room, start packing and looking for a new place. We can have some dinner and just chill. Or number two.” Y/N hooked her jeans behind her thumbs and slowly dragged them down her legs, revealing more and more of herself to Harry. “We can go inside your room and make up for the lost time. In every position imaginable, for as long as you want. But.” Y/N’s eyes glimmered with mischief as she made her way to Harry’s room. “I don’t think you wanna take the first option.”

Harry ran a hand through his hair, turning it from the meticulously gelled hairstyle into a mop of messy strands. “You know you’re making it really hard for me to be a gentleman.”

Y/N swayed her hips a bit more as she took another step closer to his room, the door meeting her back, and one of her hands went to the doorknob, pressing down on it. “Well, a gentleman doesn’t kiss before the first date, and definitely not like that.”

He stood there, hands on his hips, eyes not leaving her body, as she cocked her head. “So, what’s it gonna be?”

They were ten torturous seconds for both, hearts beating out of their chests, but it only took three steps for Harry to cross the hallway, his hand sneaking behind Y/N’s back and pressing down on the doorknob as well, revealing the inside of his room. It was messy, much like her own, but it wouldn’t take too much to rip all off the tossed around bedding leaving a whole bed to themselves.

“You. Are. The. Devil.”

Her smile was nothing short of wicked. “I mean you can listen to the angel on your shoulder.”

“I’d rather listen to you.”

Together they stepped inside, and Y/N nodded. “Making good choices already.”

“Can’t get on your bad side, can I now?”

“I mean you can.” Her legs hit the back of his bed and she fell down on it, Harry leaning over, resting his elbows next to her head. “But bad boys get punished.”

His nose skimmed over hers. Now he was the one smiling like a devil. “I’ll hold you to your word. For future reference, that is.”

That kiss was nothing like their first. This was messy, and passionate, all tongue and teeth, hands grabbing everywhere possible to get the other unclothed. Or at least that’s what Y/N was trying to do, seeing as she was pretty much naked already, and Harry was the one still wearing too much.

Her hands pretty much ripped open the shirt. It one of his expensive Gucci ones, she was quite certain of it, but it didn’t seem like he cared, as he shrugged it off, throwing it to land somewhere on the floor.

Y/N sighed into his mouth as her hands were now freely allowed to run over his chest, over the ink embedded into his skin, over taut muscles that relaxed under her touch, and dig into his sides in an attempt to leave her own marks on him, much like he was going to do to her.

“Think you can take your pants off? It’s only fair.” Y/N muttered into his mouth and his own travelled down to her cheek, then neck and to her chest.

“You mean my trousers?”

Her lips quirked up and she shrugged her shoulders. “No, in this case, I meant pants the British way.”

“And if I’m going commando?”

Y/N pressed her hand against his chest and pushed him away from her. “You had nothing underneath all day on set?”

“No! I wouldn’t subject the dressing department to that. But underneath this.” He looked down at his jeans and smiled at her. “I do have nothing.”

“Well then? Get on with it!”

Both of them were giggling, as Y/N tried to unbuckle Harry’s belt, his own fingers mixing with hers as he went for the zipper and the button. He nudged his head towards her. “Your socks and pants come off as well. Or we’ll be unevenly matched.”

Y/N lifted her eyebrow, as she went for her own remaining pieces of clothing. “No socks during sex?”

“No, what kind of a weirdo do you think I am?”

“And if my feet get cold?” She threw them away somewhere.

“We have a blanket.”

As Harry removed his jeans and his own socks, Y/N slipped off the dampened piece of clothing that’d been on her, now both of them completely naked.

“Alright.” He leaned over her again, her arms wrapping around his shoulders and pulling them chest to chest. “Happy now?”

Y/N deeply kissed him. “Very. But I think we can make each other even happier.”

“Agreed,” Harry hummed. “Wanna get a taste first.” He attached his lips to her collarbones sucking a bruise there. “Can I?”

She groaned at the feeling, knowing there be a pleasant ache that accompanied mark. “You can. Don’t have to, if you don’t want. No need to do this for me.”

“And if it’s for me?” Harry was moving lower and lower with each word, wet tongue flicking against a perked bud, and making Y/N gasp. “What if I wanna feel you cum on my tongue, and what if I wanna do something I’ve dreamed about for months now?”

His hands were kneading her breasts, mouth having left a trail of kisses down the middle of her stomach as it was moving towards where an ache that’d been left untreated made itself more and more prominent.

“Then please, please, please do something, Harry.”

“With pleasure.”

Luckily for Y/N, she didn’t have to beg any more, as his mouth attached itself to where she wanted him most, tongue sweeping past her lower lips and licking up a broad, steady stripe.

One of her hands went to fist into her hair and the other into Harry’s. “Shit,” she moaned. “Fuck, that feels good.”

“Guide me.” He licked a circle around her clit. “Tell me how you like it.”

“Mhgm, fuck, okay,” Y/N breathed out. “I – I mean you’re doing great on your own.” Her chest was heaving as if she was running a marathon, and Harry shifted her legs so that they lay over his shoulders. “But umm, like if you lick around my clit, but like really press down li – oh, fuuuuck, just like that.”

The coil in her stomach tightened with each pass he did, just like Y/N had instructed, small tight circles just how she did with her fingers, only what took her sometimes half an hour, Harry managed to do in less than ten minutes, to have her toes curling and hands grasping anywhere they could find purchase to just keep onto something real.

The vibrations from Harry humming sent shivers straight to her core. “What else, lovie? What else, do you like?”

“If – if –,” Y/N panted, “if you suck on it, but like – fuck – shit! If you kinda keep a seal around my clit, that fuck! Yes!”

The way Harry was eating her out was almost sensational, but what made it even better wasn’t that he just decided to do something and assumed, she’d like it, he asked, he wanted to learn and discover what made her tick and turn, or in this case – cum.

“Harry, ‘m close,” Y/N warned him, feeling the warmth slowly start to spread all throughout her body.

“I’ll get you there.”

He let his lips go for a moment before slipping two of his fingers so that they pinched her clit and moved them slowly but tightly up and down it, while his tongue went to slip inside her hole, and that did it for her.

With a gasp of air, Y/N’s eyes rolled to be back of her head, hips lifting up as euphoria exploded through her veins. Her mind went completely dizzy, and she was quite sure some drool also dribbled down the side of her mouth because she’d lost all ability to function.

“ -o me, love,” Y/N heard as if through a fog, and then felt two soothing palms running up and down her legs. “Come back, love. There you go.”

A drunken smile bloomed on her face, and she ran a hand down it, the same hand that’d grabbed Harry’s hair like a vice. “Fuck. You’re good, you know what you’re doing.”

“Well, I’m certainly glad you enjoyed yourself because I thoroughly enjoyed myself.”

She watched as he straightened out to sit on his knees, her legs still over his shoulders, cock slapping against his stomach, and when she looked down there was a wet patch on his side of the sheets, a sly grin morphing on her face. “You liked eating me out so much you came yourself?”

“What can I say – bringing pleasure, gives me pleasure. And your cunt’s probably the sweetest I’ve ever eaten. But… do you think you’re ready for me?” Harry asked, kissing the inside of Y/N’s thighs and watching as she vigorously nodded her head, but he just smirked. “I think I need to test it out. Just to make sure.”

“Harry,” Y/N whined as she felt his fingers skim the apex of her thighs, teasing her.

“Don’t wanna hurt you.”

With that, he used one of his hands to open up her lips, his thumb pressing down on her already sensitive clit, eliciting a gasp before he allowed two fingers to skim her entrance and then slipped in.

“Still so tight,” he said, watching as Y/N sighed and her mouth fell open, his fingers curling in a come-hither motion. “Told you needed to check if you were ready. What kind of a gentleman would I be now, if I didn’t make sure you could take it?”

Y/N gritted her teeth. “I can take you.”

“Don’t doubt it.” Harry left kisses along her leg, as he continued on with his movements, noting how her hips slowly started to grind down on his palm, so he pushed his fingers in deeper so that the heel of his hand could rest against her clit, making the pleasure intensify. “But I’d never forgive myself if I hurt you when all I wanna do is give you pleasure. And you weren’t stretched out enough. Not yet at least.”

“Oh, god, Harry,” Y/N groaned, one arm thrown over her eyes as his fingers hit just the right spot.

“That’s it? Right there?”

“Yes, right there,” she moaned. “Just. Fuck! Just don’t stop, please, don’t stop.”

“Gonna cum again?”

“Yes, just – just curl your fingers and twist them a bit more.”

And much like the first time, a couple more times was all it took. Her orgasm was even more powerful than the previous and fully knocked her breath out of her lungs. Her legs fell open around his shoulders, stomach and chest spasming from the intensity.

Gentle fingers skimmed up and down Y/N’s arms and featherlight kisses fluttered over her breasts, then chest, neck and finally were peppered across her cheeks.

“Kinda spaced out on me there. You alright? Not too much?”

“ ’M – I’m good. But I’m pretty sure you’ve killed me.”

Harry chuckled, and Y/N leaned her head to the side so she could press a kiss against the closest of the swallow tattoos. “Hopefully not. I still wanna take you out on that date.”

Her eyes landed on Harry’s left hand’s ring finger, where a golden band still laid.

“Oh, yeah.” He lifted the digits, still covered in her cum before pushing them past his lips and licking them clean. “Forgot to remove it. Hope the prop guys don’t kill me.”

She hated how his eyes sparkled, absolutely knowing what that sight did to her, how it made her stomach flutter and heart thunder against her ribs. Y/N was sure with the force it was pounding, they’d crack.

“Well, if they don’t, I will.” She pulled him down, nails raking on his skin, dragging to rest on his ass as they bit into it. “Now get inside me.”

“Condom.”

“No, ‘m on the pill.”

“I’m clean, I swear, but it’s still not a hundred per cent safe.”

Y/N shook her head. “I’ll buy the morning-after pill. Just need you inside.”

“You sure?” Harry placed a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Yeah. I mean I’m clean, and uh… I just wanna feel you.”

He’d cum once already, and Harry would be dammed if he did it again before having the chance to know how heaven feels like. As gently as possible, he took himself, giving a few strokes before nudging the tip against Y/N’s clit, her sharp inhale stalling him until she nodded.

Her nails dug into his biceps, as he finally slipped inside her, making both of them moan at the feeling. Even with all of the stretching out he’d done with his fingers, and the two orgasms he’d drawn from her, the slickness helping everything to be easy and smooth, Y/N still felt a little sting.

Harry’s head dropped to Y/N’s shoulders and even from under him, she could feel his thighs and stomach shaking, as he tried to hold his composure and give her a little bit of time to adjust.

A couple of deep breaths later, she tapped his ribs. “You can move now.”

“ ‘ya sure?”

“Mhm,” Y/N nodded her head and pecked his lips reassuringly. “Please.”

His dishevelled and sweaty hair shook as he nodded and slowly drew back his hips so that just the tip of his cock remained in her before gliding back inside. The sight alone was more than enough to make both of them explode, but they wanted to last longer than thirty seconds, especially for their first time together. There’d be quickies for later, now they wanted to have a proper shag.

Bit by bit, Harry’s pace quickened, pearls of sweat gliding down his skin and dampening the sheets below them, much like it was with Y/N. Her leg slid up to rest around his hips, giving him a better angle and more leverage for him to strike the right spot, as he pushed her knee to rest against her chest, Y/N’s head falling back to the pillow.

Her insides were shaking from the pleasure, and it was like an invisible force was pushing down on her chest, as she struggled for a proper breath. “Harry,” she dragged out his name, the word turning into a high-pitched whine.

“I know,” he responded in the same breathless voice. He could feel her tighten around him and wasn’t sure just how much longer he’d be able to keep up the pace. “Touch yourself ‘f me, lovie. C’mon, use those fingers.”

Y/N did as she was told. It didn’t give her that butterfly feeling like it’d happened when they’d been Harry’s, but it did make her cum faster, and the sensation of her gushing around his cock made him lose all self-control and he spilled inside.

It wasn’t enough for Y/N, but she guessed she needed to settle for it. She knew that nothing really ever touched in the universe, that the closest atoms ever come to touching one another is when their wave packets overlap, much like she and Harry were now overlapping, his body lying on top of hers, skin sweaty and frame trembling as he came down from his own high.

“I uh,” Y/N cleared her throat, finger tracing the outline of one of the butterfly in the middle of Harry’s chest. “When the people came to get my stuff, I umm, asked them to take your rainbow cardigan. Wanted something that smelled like you, so I didn’t feel so alone. Was the first thing I put on when I got out of my hospital gown.”

She felt his body rumble with laughter and a kiss being pressed to her forehead. “I know. Saw Anna stash it inside the suitcase. I uh, I was the one who also put in one of my sweaters. Know how cold you always get.”

She hid her smile against his collarbones. “Thank you. For thinking of me.”

“ 'M always thinking of you… Will you knit me one though?”

Y/N raised her eyebrow. “Knit you one?”

“Yes. I know you knit –“

“Everyone knits nowadays.”

Harry drew himself back a bit, and she pushed away the matted down strands from his forehead, wiping away the sweat from underneath his green eyes as well. “Yes, but the point is – there’ll be a million other Gucci shirts and sweaters and cardigans. But I’d like to have one-of-a-kind made by you. So, I have something to sleep next to when you’re not next to me.”

Y/N ran a finger along his jawline, biting away her grin. “It’ll probably have mistakes. I’m not that good at it. ‘M not a professional.”

“Exactly.” Harry tilted her head up with a finger and their eyes met. “Which is why it’ll be perfect.”

“The arms will most likely be different lengths in the end.”

“Don’t worry, darling.” He pecked her lips before hugging her and not letting go. “It’s flawless for me.”

Tags (crossed out wouldn’t take):

Harry Styles tags: @sarcasticallywitty15 @breezykpop @girlboss99 @harrystylesdoesntknowiexist @alliyjane @sirtommyholland

Everything tags: @lumelgy @palaiasaurus64 @supernaturalbaesduh @breezy1415 @crazy--me @thatawkwardlittlefangirl @sea040561 @staryeyedgirl @deathbyarabbit @s-c-a-r-e-d-po-t-t-e-r @reblogger-not-a-blogger @m-a-t-91 @dalilx @i-need-a-hero-i-need-a-loki @maladaptive-ninja-returns @averyrogers83 @in-the-end-im-still-trash @gallifreyansass @dewy-biitch @avxgers @unlikelygalaxygiver @magicwithaknife @ollyoxenfrees @bnhvrdy @tvwhoresblog @celebsimagines @thatkindofgurl @sj-thefan @teenwolflover28 @lestersglitterglue @im-squished

A/N: My tags are always open :)

P.S. please don’t repost my work without specific written permission onto other platforms :)

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quiteanabyss · 4 years

Note

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays! Can you share your most memorable holidays with Kylo, Charlie and Sackler? Thank you

How would Kylo or Charlie handle Christmas in isolation with just you. - Anon

Merry Christmas! I hope you’re having as lovely a day as is possible in the current circumstances!

Thank you for this Ask. After some thought, I combined it with another, which I hope is okay for the both of you.

This features HC’s of a socially distanced Christmas with Kylo, some sweet Charlie and Henry, and ... the “Touch” series holiday special.

TW: The second story has a reference to an age gap, and the third contains some smut (because Sackler).

Kylo - A very social(ly distanced) Christmas

This is your third Christmas with Kylo.

Your first was spent with your family. It had still been early days in your relationship, but in spite of some worries, they had easily welcomed him into the fold. (Your parents were probably just glad you were finally dating someone.)

Your second was spent with his family, after many months spent encouraging him to reach out and reconcile with them like you knew he wanted to, but would never admit. You had begged, bargained and blackmailed your boss for the time off over the holidays, and travelled all the way to the States with him to witness a family reunion that was twenty years in the making. It was worth it.

Your third Christmas is different. Thanks to the pandemic, travel to the States is out of the question. Even driving a couple of hours up the road to see your parents is forbidden, thanks to the government’s last-minute decision the weekend before Christmas. So the two of you are spending Christmas alone together.

But between phone calls and Zoom calls with family and friends, you don’t actually manage to have a minute to yourselves until the evening, once “dinner with the family” (a very strange setup using both of your laptops) is done, and the pans and dishes have been washed or abandoned in the sink to soak until either of you can be bothered to deal with them.

Even though it’s just been the two of you in the apartment all day, the space has been filled with voices and laughter of friends and loved ones almost the entire time. Only now that the calls are done do you actually have space to appreciate the silence that falls between you as you flop down on the couch next to him, and he throws his arm around your shoulder, pulling you close.

“Thank fuck that’s over,” he grumbles eventually, his deep voice breaking the stillness of the room. “And to think you were worried today was going to be too quiet. Jesus, I’m exhausted.”

He enjoyed it, really. You know this. He knows you know this. But he’ll never admit it. And that’s okay. You love your grumpy man just as he is.

“Poor baby,” you murmur, causing him to glare at you. “You’re probably much too tired for one more present.”

"What present?” he asks, in a would-be casual voice. Trying to sound as disinterested as possible.

Smiling, you toy with the top button on your blouse. That gets his attention. “You’ll have to unwrap it to find out,” you say. “But that’s probably too much for you seeing as you’ve had such a hard day.”

But it turns out he isn’t at all as exhausted as he’d claimed.

And he loves his final present.

Charlie - A family Christmas

Charlie was upfront about it right from the start. He and Henry were a package deal. Love me, love my son.

That’s why it took so long for things to really get going between the two of you. He didn’t want to introduce you to Henry, only to have you fade out of his life a few months later when you inevitably got fed up of the tedious responsibility of, effectively, parenting another woman’s kid.

The age gap didn’t help, either. You were at a stage in your life where you should be figuring out what you want to do with your life, partying with friends, without a care in the world. Not settling down with someone who has already quite thoroughly fucked his life up, and has the baggage to prove it.

It took you a good six months to convince him that you understood all his worries and concerns, and you simply didn’t care. There were heated discussions, tears from both of you, and a breakup that lasted all of a week ... until Charlie finally came to his senses and realized that he could trust you.

So it means a lot that you’re finally here. Your first Christmas together with Charlie and Henry.

You and Charlie are exhausted. Henry woke you up at the ungodly hour of half past four to open his presents, and is showing no sign of flagging. Meanwhile, the two of you are on your third cup of coffee each, and it isn’t even time to have lunch yet. But Henry is having a great time with his new toys, and Charlie’s arm is warm and reassuring around you as you both stand in the doorway to the living room, looking at the mess of wrapping paper with a mixture of despair and amusement.

Charlie leans in, nuzzles his nose against the side of your face, before kissing your cheek. “You still sure about this?” he asks, gesturing at the chaos before you both. “This is what it’s like.”

“I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life,” you tell him. There’s more you want to say, but at that moment Henry calls for both of you, demanding you come and help him begin assembling one of his new Lego sets.

You’ll tell Charlie later, you decide, as you settle down on the floor and pull the instructions out of the box. You’ll tell him how happy you are. How lucky you feel to have been invited into their lives.

He and Henry are a package deal, and you love them both.

Sackler - July in Christmas

“Why the fuck is the apartment so warm?” you demand, when you arrive home after your shift on Christmas Eve. Some jackass in a ten grand coat told you that you ruined Christmas for his entire family because the product his wife wanted was out of stock, so you might be feeling a little bit Grinchy this evening.

Adam doesn’t have a straight answer for you. He also insists that you stay out of the living room, so after your shower he makes you eat dinner in the bedroom. It’s all very suspicious.

“I feel like I’m a prisoner,” you comment, after he accompanies you to the bathroom in case you look in the living room. “I didn’t do it, officer, I swear!” you call through the door, while you pee. Then you brush your teeth, remove your contacts, and run through your skincare routine. If you take much longer than usual, it’s just because you’re being thorough. Not because you’re trying to annoy him.

You emerge from the bathroom a good fifteen minutes later, to find him still standing there, looking pissed off. You give him a shit-eating grin. He grabs you, turns you around, and pushes you against the wall. “You’re under arrest for taking too long in the bathroom,” he says, his breath hot in your ear as he grinds against you. “Spread ‘em.”

You sleep very well that night.

Christmas morning dawns. Outside it’s snowing, but inside your apartment it feels hotter than the summer your family went to Vegas. You wake up from a very pleasant dream to find that it was not, in fact, a dream. Adam’s face is buried between your legs, his nose nudging at your clit as his tongue works its way inside you. You curl your fingers in his hair, and he hums in response, sending a pleasant shockwave of shivers through you, but he only looks up once you’ve cum for the third time. “I need you to stay in here for, like, one more hour,” he says, by way of a greeting.

“Is that why you woke me up like this?” you ask, covering your face with your hands. “To ensure my compliance?”

“It’ll be worth it, I promise,” he says, rolling off the bed, and stretching. “You’re going to love it.”

“Ugh,” you say. And then you roll over, and go back to sleep.

When you wake up again, it’s because Adam is basically sitting on top of you. “It’s ready,” he says. “You just need to put this on first.” And he hands you -

“A bikini?” you say, bewildered, when you unroll the bundle he handed you. “What the - why?” Then, you notice that he’s wearing what are possibly the ugliest pair of floral swimming shorts you’ve ever seen in your life. “Seriously Adam, what the fuck is going on? It’s Christmas Day, it’s blizzarding outside, and you’re handing me swimwear?”

“Yeah,” he says, like it’s a no-brainer. “Put it on.”

Grumbling, you crawl out of bed, and get dressed as requested. It fits, but coverage is minimal, and you guess that’ s probably the point. He stares at you with a huge grin on his face the entire time, like the massive perv he is. And as soon as you’re ready, he drags you out of the bedroom and down the hallway.

Outside of the living room, he pauses and turns to you. “I know we’re not doing gifts this year because we’re trying to save money,” he says. Which is true. This apartment is too small for the two of you. You’ve both mentioned that it would be nice to move somewhere with a second bedroom, although neither of you have yet mentioned why you feel that way. “And I know we’re both kind of like fuck Christmas. But you’ve been working so hard these past few months. And I thought ... you deserve a holiday. So, I did a thing.”

Without further ado, he opens the door into your living room, and pushes you inside.

Your mouth falls open. The room has been transformed. The sofa has been pushed back against the wall and the armchairs and coffee table have completely disappeared. In their place are a couple of sunloungers with beach towels on them, a little table between them covered in your favourite drinks and snacks, and even a couple of mini palm trees in pots.

But most incredible of all ... there’s a freaking paddling pool, which looks big enough for the both of you to fit in it.

You know he’s looking at you, waiting for your reaction. But you don’t know what to think, or do, or say. So you just stand there like a moron, staring at the scene, and opening and closing your mouth like a fish.

“Is it ok?” he asks, eventually. “You aren’t mad that I fucked up our living room, are you?”

All you can do is shake your head.

“Do you like it?”

You nod. And because you can’t say anything, you throw your arms around his middle. Hopefully that’s enough of an answer, because it’s all you can manage right now.

How the fuck did you manage to get so lucky? Adam gets it. He just gets you. He’s the first person who’s ever bothered to take the time to try to figure you out, so he’s the first person you’ve ever begun to open up to. And this right here? Is the most thoughtful, ridiculous, best gift you’ve ever been given.

Adam wraps his arms around you too, and squeezes you so tightly you can feel your ribs creaking. “You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” he says, and he begins to rock you gently as you start to cry big, fat, happy tears. “You’re perfect, you know that? And I really fucking love you.”

You’re not perfect. Just like he’s not perfect, and this setup isn’t perfect. (How the hell are you going to get all that water out of the pool when you’re done?)

But this moment is perfect.

And god. God. You really fucking love him, too.

#requests are still open #emeraldsiren20 #modern!kylo x reader #charlie barber x reader #adam sackler x reader #Touch Series #tw: age gap #tw: smut

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gladiatortale · 4 years

Text

My DEPRESSION BEATING, fandom obsessing, shit-tastic FANTASTIC year in review!

TL;DR: I’m fixing my mental health and figuring out WHO THE FUCK I AM one fandom filled day at a time! Thank you to everyone who’s been there for me along the way. xoxo

what’s up HEATHENS.

stating the goddamn obvious here, it’s been a HELLUVA YEAR. One emotional rollercoaster after another but we’re ALMOST DONE. I know things aren’t gonna magically get better the second it flips to 00:01 on January first, but I’m excited to put this year behind me, and (SHOCKINGLY) a bit sad to see it go.

It was a year where the whole world completely stopped, we realized what is really important, what is really worth fighting for, and took a GODDAMN SECOND to just breathe.

For me personally, the year (which I’m counting off from November 1st) started out UNBELIEVABLY SHIT. I had just been kicked out of the country I called home for the last four years (thank you Brexit), I had ZERO job prospects, my depression was the WORST it had ever been, and I just didn’t want to get out of bed in the morning. And in the beginning, the pandemic felt like salt in the wound, an extra kick in the teeth to my early twenties that had already “failed to launch.”

But I tried to embrace the madness, really take advantage of the world (that I always thought moved to fast) properly slowing down, and take time to try and become myself again. I wanted to figure out what I loved and try and become a bit more like the person I was before my depression got so bad.

I often say I became that Manic Trash Planet Lady™ you see in sci-fi adventure films; a bit zany to say the least, with a million ideas and a very eclectic fashion sense, but embracing the insanity as it comes...

*cough cough* audrey, get to the goddamn point!

Right. lol. THE POINT IS!

I’m not 100% “healed”, I’m not sure if I think depression is a “oh look you’re officially cured! hooray!” type of disease, but this year I let myself ENJOY SHIT for the first time in god knows how long. I still don’t know “wHaT i WaNt To dO WiTh mY LiFe”, but I’ve got a better idea and I’m heading in (what feels like) the right direction. And most of all, I can look back and say I am better than where I was a year ago.

So I wanted to say T H A N K Y O U to the mad lads on this website that introduced me to the fandoms, shows, movies, fics... THE SHIT that made me happy this year and were there to be one (BIG) piece in my healing journey.

AND SO, with out further rambling ADO! Here are the highlights of the year marked by my ridiculous hyper-fixations and OBSESSIONS. Thanks for putting up with me ya fiends, xoxox

November 2019 The Arcana (Visual Novel)

I had just gotten home and I was in a LOOOOOOW place. Randomly decided to download this app when it came up and it proceeded to ruin my life (and my bank account...) for pretty much the rest of the year. It was exactly what I needed to get me through a tough time and I was thoroughly, horse-blinders-up-to-the-rest-of-the-world, OBSESSED. These gorgeous magical fiends ruined me and all I could say was thank you.

Joined the fandom: November 2019 Obsession peaked: Late November Obsession faded: December 2019; I started a new job AND my bank statement came in and I realized I had accidentally spent over SIXTY BUCKS on this stupid app. No ragrets, but I definitely started to phase out at that point. Fandom friends: Velma, (@lanavxds on insta) miss you girlie xx Fanfics you NEED to read: ‘Second Mistake’ by DeathBelle on AO3, because DAAAAAYUM SON. Favourite moments: Basically the whole of the Julian arc. That gangly himbo OWNED my ass for a month.

December 2019 Hazbin Hotel (TV Series)

Y’ALL okay here me out. Am I proud of this one? No. Is the show crass as hell? OOOOOOOOHHHH YEAH. Did my angsty ass love it at the end of last year? DAMN STRAIGHT IT DID. Goes without saying, but this is NOT FOR EVERYBODY, but it definitely helped me along the way to becoming more comfortable with myself and being open about being the massive geek that I always was, and watching things I enjoy regardless of what people say about it.

Joined the fandom: December 2019 Obsession peaked: Shortly there after. Fandom friends: None. Dipped one toe in fandom discourse and then promptly YEETED the fuck outta there. Obsession faded: January 2019. Still curious to see the full series if A24 actually ever does produce the whole thing, but I have def moved away from it. Fanfics you NEED to read: Haven’t read any. Maybe I’m a pussy baby piece-o-shit, but I DID NOT want to go down that rabbit hole, NO MA’AM. Favourite moments:

Discovering the Hunicast podcast. These guys are a riot and Ashley is a flustered GEM. Even if you don’t watch the show, go watch an episode of these fucking LADS just dicking about and your day will get better.

Watching the first episode with my partner and watching him realize his girlfriend is a total freak.

January 2020 Lore Olympus (Webtoon Comic)

*Officially* discovered this one thanksgiving weekend in 2019, but my Arcana phase was still raging pretty strong at that point so I didn’t really get in to it until later. EVERYBODY AND THEIR MOTHER NEEDS TO READ IT. It has everything and handles the reality sexual assault and it’s aftermath EXTREMELY well.

Joined the fandom: Late November 2019 Obsession peaked: January 2020 Fandom friends: KELLEY. MA GIRL XOXOXO Obsession faded: June-ish 2020. I’m like 10 chapters behind now, but I still love this story so much. Fanfics you NEED to read: SO MANY ON MY ‘MARKED FOR LATER’ LIST AAAAAH. I have to get to that... NEW YEARS RESOLUTION lol Favourite moments: Having a drunk conversation on New Years Eve in 2019 with one of my oldest friends from high school about how much she loved it too. Helped me see how popular fandom and fandoms, are especially after feeling like I needed to hide my enthusiasm through high school and uni. (THAT WAS A MISTAKE BUT I’LL GET THERE IN A MINUTE).

February 2020 Versailles (TV Series)

SO FUCKING GAY Y’ALL. Oh my god everyone in this show is so gay. Even when they’re not they still are a little bit. AND BEST OF ALL!! it’s very historically accurate (except for the demon satanic nonsense in season 3, what was that???)

Joined the fandom: February 2020 Obsession peaked: Like??? The SECOND I finished episode one. Fandom friends: none... WHERE ARE ALL OF YOU??? Obsession faded: March 2020. It was a fast and passionate love affair, what can I say? Fanfics you NEED to read: IF YOU HAVE RECS, GIVE ‘EM TO MEEEEE. Favourite moments:

Showing the first episode to a friend of mine and the *ungodly GASP* that came out of her throat was... PRICELESS.

The ENTIRE throuple(???) relationship between the Chevalier, Philipe, and Palatine. PLATONIC/ ROMANTIC LOVE G O A L S.

March 2020 Yuri!!! On Ice (TV Series)

*deep breath* ...y’all knew this one was coming.

Was I ready for this show to ruin my fucking life? No. Am I so glad it happened??? FUCK YEAH.

NEVER IN MY LIFE have I fallen off the deep end so quickly with a fandom. HOLY SHIT. This blog didn’t have much of an “identity” before, but I you said that this is a Yuri On Ice blog now I wouldn’t even be mad (nor could I really defend myself to the contrary... bc??? like??? just go LOOK at my archive). Craziest thing is I watched the first two episodes like?? a solid TWO YEARS ago, but I didn’t continue watching because I was just not in the right head space for all the love and silliness and positivity.

I could do a whole separate post about how much this show and how this fandom has changed my life (DON’T TEMPT ME I JUST MIGHT). But I’ll stick with the highlights for now ;)

Joined the fandom: March 2020 Obsession peaked: Has it peaked?? Went straight up and it still going lol Fandom friends: Sandra, my mentor, my queen @aeriamamaduck, my fandom ride-or-die. Thank you for taking this internet bby under your wing. RACHEL @idancewiththefairies I TRAPPED YOU HERE. MUAHAHAHA xxx Obsession faded: ON GOING. CAN’T STOP, WON’T STOP. Fanfics you NEED to read: jfc, SO MANY.

‘Until My Feet Bleed and My Heart Aches’ and ‘Of Bright Stars and Burning Hearts’ by Reiya @kazliin -- Rivals AU companion pieces. Longest fics I’ve ever read and JESUS CHRIST these two fucking SENT ME. Most popular YOI fics on AO3 for a REASON.

‘Tell Me Where Your Love Lies’ by @aeriamamaduck -- Royalty AU, trope-breaking ABO. Ah sweet, TMWYLL, how you’ve killed me over and over again. This BEAUTIFUL wip has SUCH amazing world-building idk where to start (Congrats on passing 50,000 hits!) EVERYONE GO READ IT.

‘Blackbird’ by sixpences -- WWII/Coldwar Spy Fic. I don’t have enough words to describe how amazing this is. It’s elevated to a higher plane beyond fanfic. Just go read it. Thank me later.

‘Zanka’ by rinsled05 @dreaming-fireflies -- The geisha fic that ruined me. *deep breath* AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH *gasp* I’m fine. lol I sooooo not ready for this fic. Holy hell, Aoyagi had my heart in his hands from the first chapter. “’Please’ [...] ‘Don’t give me hope.’“ FUUUUCK.

‘Echoes’ by Reiya @kazliin -- Future fic. First fic I cried at... BOI. I was NOT ready for this. Shouldn’t be surprised given the author, but MAN. “‘A love like that, a love like what they had together, it never leaves completely.’ Yuri spoke again, eyes still staring out onto the ice, lost in memory. ‘There are always echoes.’” JUST FUCK ME UP.

Favourite moments: Oh good lord, where do I begin??

Having two (count ‘em TWO) main characters with mental health issues (Yuuri and his anxiety and Victor with burn out and depression) and NOT MAKING IT THE ONLY ASPECT OF THEIR PERSONALITY. CLAPS FOR KUBO AND YAMAMOTO!!

Everything about Yurio (ESPECIALLY HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YUUKO AND HIS GRANDPA), that tsundere motherfucker is too pure for this world.

THE KISS. THE PROPOSAL. MY HEART WASN’T READY. AAAAAH!!

This fandom *properly* introducing me to smut on AO3...

Thinking I was going to get Rachel to like the show... NOT being prepared for her to fall off the deep end and START LIKING REAL SKATING TOO!!

Staying up waaaaaay too late waaaaaay too often to plan out plot points for TMWYLL with Sandra. Love ya dearie.

The warm fuzzy feeling I get every time I think about Victor and Yuuri.

April 2020 Bungou Stray Dogs (TV Series)

I had a hunch I was gonna like this show considering ALL of the characters are based off of famous classic authors from around the world... what I was NOT prepared for was just HOW MUCH I was going to love it. HOLY SHIT. The art style? Love it. The plot?? Bonkers, but so fun. THE VOICE CAST??? AMAZING. Highly recommend to anyone who wants to get in to anime, great place to start.

Joined the fandom: April 2020 Obsession peaked: Probably this summer? But we have DEF plateaued in a VERY high place. Fandom friends: FIJI. MA BOIIIII @lil-1nsane Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Hope it doesn’t Fanfics you NEED to read: So so so many. The smut in this fandom is *chef’s kiss*, but here are a few...

‘He Works Hard For the Money’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019 -- Sugar Daddy AU. FUCK MAN. I was not expecting to like this one, but bloody hell. This fic grabbed me by the throat and WOULD NOT let me go. Praying for chapter 16! But the author is working on another STELLAR fic so I’m okay for now.

‘Everything or Nothing’ by CataclysmicEvent @cataclysmicevent2019 -- University AU. FUCK THIS FIC. Started reading it as I was waiting for HWHFTM to update and BOI, this fic ROCKS. The alternating POV fits so well with the enemies/idiots-to-lovers vibe. Solid 10 outta 10.

‘The City Where Wind Blows’ by @raven-rein -- Cancer Death fic. *pained shriek* AAAAAAGUUUUUUUHHHH *gasp* aaaaaaAAAAAAHHHHHHHH, FUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKK MEEEEE. THIS FIC. Only the second fic I’ve ever cried to but I BAWLED MY GODDAMN EYES OUT. FUUUUUUUCK. I was not ready, never would have been ready. This is so tremendously well done, it killed me so beautifully,

‘Haunted by Hatred’ by DeathBelle -- Canon compliant Soukoku. It is a CRIME that DeathBelle doesn’t have more BSD fics on her page, but this one is still brilliant.

Favourite moments:

THE CHUUYA-DAZAI MAFIA REUNION TEAM UP WHEN THEY FIGHT LOVECRAFT. Ooof. BOI. We love it.

The first three episodes. Soooo many break neck plot twists.

Every insane hypothetical conversation with Fiji.

Every time Atsushi or Tanizaki is on screen bc I LOVE THESE LIL BEANS.

June 2020 Trash Taste (Podcast)

Goddamn I love these chaotic lads so much.

As I became more and more comfortable with myself and my love for anime I stumbled upon these three goons, -- Joey, Connor, and Garnt, -- best known for there SUPER successful (mostly) anime YouTube channels. Even if you don’t watch anime, WATCH/LISTEN TO THIS PODCAST. The focus is mostly on their lives and the overall expat/immigrant experience, with a bit of anecdotal anime references sprinkled in.

This show is both wholesome and heathenous in equal measure, and after having lived abroad for a significant portion of my (admittedly still quite short) life, it was such a breath of fresh air to hear people talk so openly about how living outside your home country is both wonderful and terrifying. They’re wonderfully candid about the fact that even if you love a place dearly, no where is perfect, and you WILL hate somethings about your new home even if the majority of the experience is fantastic. I cannot rate this show highly enough.

Joined the fandom: June 5th 2020, loved it from the first episode. Obsession peaked: July maybe? I was RELIGIOUS about watching the episodes as soon as they came out. Still watch every week, but less “on time.” Fandom friends: None :( but I have tricked my partner in to listening several times :) Obsession faded: It’s dimmed from where it was, but still going strong. Fanfics you NEED to read: NONE. NEVER PLAN TO. Hard and fast rule, I don’t read fics about real people. Characters played by real people, even that’s a maybe for me. But real-real people? FUCK NO. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Any time Garnt and Connor get into a big-brain-monkey-brain argument and Joey is just LOSING his GODDAMN MIND in the corner.

Bringing a retired Japanese porn star in the show for an honest conversation about consensual sex work and showing people can have more than one career in life.

Everything about the, ‘Are Online Friends Real Friends?’ episode. GO WATCH IT, it’s brilliant.

Garnt making “chotto-THE-FUCKING-matte” an expression

August 2020 Great Pretender (TV Series)

Spent most of the summer marinating in my BSD and YOI bubbles, until THIS BAD BOI came up on my Netflix recommendations. HOOOO BOI. This is some Anime Of The Year shit right here. Has a pretty original concept (Catch Me If You Can by way of Oceans 11-ish) but generally starts out like most other shounen (sans the super powers). AND THEN EPISODE FIVE HAPPENS. Not gonna spoil it but they TOOK THAT SHIT UP A NOTCH. Brilliant, even with a bit of an insane ending. GO WATCH THIS ONE.

Joined the fandom: August 2020 Obsession peaked: Pretty much as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: What’s up Fiji ;) @lil-1nsane Obsession faded: Naturally faded, but so glad I watched Fanfics you NEED to read: None so far! Little scared about this one, heard mixed reviews, but maybe someday. Favourite moments:

Edamame’s “madness arc” at the end of season 2. HOOOO BOY.

Laurent getting fucking WRECKED when Edamame punches him mid way through season 2, kills me every time.

Introducing my partner to anime with this show.

October 2020 Attack on Titan (TV Series)

RETURN OF THE KING. lol

In my quest to find an anime that I can watch with my partner, I turned on season 1 of this bad boi. Holy hell I forgot how much I loved this show, NO WONDER everyone lost their goddamn minds when this show first aired. I NEED to catch up before all the season four spoilers come to get me...

Joined the fandom: Winter 2016 Obsession peaked: Basically as soon as I started watching it. Fandom friends: None yet, but I know you’re out there... Obsession faded: 2017, JUST BEFORE SEASON TWO... I should have stuck around longer I know, but it’s slowly coming back. Reeeeeally need to catch up on seasons two, three, and four. Fanfics you NEED to read: GIVE ME YOUR RECS HEATHENS. Favourite moments:

Watching my partner FREAK OUT about Eren’s “death.”

EVERYTHING ABOUT POTATO GORL! lol

Getting in a conversation with a die hard fan after I hadn’t watched it in three years and saying... “Who’s that blond bitch that cries all the time?”/ “Armin?”/ “THAT’S THE ONE!”

November 2020... kind of. Figure Skating (Sport)

Okay this one is a bit hard to explain.

I have been a DIE HARD figure skating for A LOOOOOONG time. My grandmother got me a hat from the 2002 Olympics in Salt Lake City and I remember watching even then. But I first became consciously aware of different skaters, my faves, etc. from about 2010. I vividly remember watching Plushenko skating in 2014 while on a school trip to Hawaii, and my friends laughing at me as I yelled at the TV.

But I didn’t TRULY get involved in the fandom side of it until this year. I had all this knowledge bottled up, but didn’t have any skating friends to talk to... UNTIL NOW. Super ironic that this happened in a year with almost NO skating, but I’ll take what I can get ;) Also did I stay up until FOUR-GODDAMN-THIRTY IN THE MORNING a few nights ago to stream Japanese Nationals on my phone??? YOU BET I DID.

Joined the fandom: Three times; 2002, 2010, and 2020. Obsession peaked: 2014? 2018? Idk it peaks any time someone does something amazing. Fandom friends: Rachel, my girl @idancewiththefairies, WHY DIDN’T I INTRODUCE YOU TO THIS SOONER??? Obsession faded: Hasn’t. Won’t. lol Fanfics you NEED to read: NOPE. NONE. NOT GONNA HAPPEN. No fanfics about real people. Never gonna change that. (some of my) Favourite moments:

Tessa Virtue and Scott Moir doing THAT routine at the 2018 Olympics.

Rachel sheepishly admitting to me that Shoma may have replaced Yuzu as her favourite, and me being SO DAMN PROUD of her for growing and developing her own skating opinions apart from me.

Yuzu’s 2012 ‘Romeo and Juliet’ routine and Worlds. THE RAW FUCKING POWER OF THAT SKATE.

Plushenko, cheeky bastard, changing his 2014 Team Event routine AS IT WAS HAPPENING.

The worlds friendliest rivalry between Yuzu and Nathan.

Any thing the Shibutani’s do, and all they do to break up the stereotype that all of Ice Dancing has to be rOmAnTiC and SeNsUaL to be good.

Watching my early faves become coaches and the D R A M A.

Honorable Mentions:

Coco (Film): I watched this the weekend I came home and I owe this movie a lot. It is so sweet an heartwarming, and it a roundabout way it brought me back to Tumblr (needed somewhere to vent my feelings considering I watched the movie a solid THREE YEARS after it came out, Tumblr seemed like the place to go lol). Watched in again in 2020 and it’s just as amazing.

Jekyll and Hyde (All media): Loved this book from the first time I read it in my first year of uni. But in December 2019, my fandom understanding reached its PEAK. The musical?? The comic?? YOOOOOO.

Dear Evan Hansen (Musical): I have BARELY engaged in fandom discourse, but the MUSIC. She fucking SLAPS.

Sirius the Jaeger (TV Series): This show is such an underrated gem. It literally has so much; "dead” family drama? Eclectic international group of monster hunters? Cowboys and vampires?? Yes, yes, and YES. And the main character has the same Japanese voice actor as Atsushi from BSD!

Studio Ghilbi (Films): My love affair with Ghibli goes back to when I was about 5 and BEGGED my mom to take me to the library so we could rent Kiki’s Delivery Service on DVD. But that love has been FULLY rejuvenated this year when I went to the Ghibli Film Festival in New York City (ironically in the last week in February). If you haven’t seen them, go watch From Up On Poppy Hill, Whisper of the Heart, and The Wind Rises. Spoilers, you’re probably gonna cry.

If you’ve made it this far, THANK YOU FOR READING!

And thank you to all the amazing people that made my 2020 not so horrible. Good riddance 2020, don’t let the door hit you on the way out!

#2020 #mental health #appreciation post #figure skating #studio ghibli #coco #attack on titan #great pretender #bungou stray dogs #trash taste #versailles tv #yuri!!! on ice #the arcana game #hazbin hotel #anime #fandom

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k1ngj0ve · 3 years

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(bitching about the same thing again, dont mind me)

im still so mad about my old roommate being such a spoilsport about dnd. him and my (at the time) boyfriend were the only people i had to interact with (except my ex, also a roommate, who i was literally worried would murder me if i was around him) for the first few months of the pandemic, it was just those two 24/7, we even shared a bed

and they were in a dnd campaign together online every week and i didnt know anything about dnd really, made clear i didnt want to play with them because of anxiety reasons, but at a few points they would be talking about the game they were in

and just... i could NOT interact with them when they talked about DnD without my roommate being like 'no, you cant do that, everyone would hate you if you did that'

i was looking through one of the books, mostly just at the art, commenting on how pretty the stuff was. 'oh it says a player race is these raven things? thats so cool, and they cant talk? thats really neat! i didnt know it had stuff like this'

him: you cant be that. they cant talk so you have to make noises or hand gestures, all the other players would hate it

me: i mean im not gonna play personally, im just saying it sounds fun, but it says here its a player race so i COULD be that if i wanted, maybe with a group that thought it was fun

him: no, its so annoying, no group would like that

a while later

me: oh neat it says drow can become big spider centaurs! thats so cool, can a player drow do that?

him: no, you arent allowed to do that

me: (reads a little more)...it says you can around like... level 60

him: youll never get to level 60, it takes years to get to level 10, and it would break the game if you tried to do it, there is a 50% chance furign the ritual you just become a dead zombie

me: i mean if i got to level 60 i think i could kill my character off this way if i wanted to. if you die dont you just reroll a new character

him: that would be so annoying

same day

me: aww this flying mantaray thing is cool, i want it as a pet

him: you cant have it as a pet, its evil alligned

me: i meant i want it in real life, im not going to play this game i keep telling you, but for the record it says you can have it as a pet at level 15

him: its evil, only an evil character can have it as a pet

me: thats not very fun. isnt alignment a thing? can you not play as an evil character?

him: i mean you can technically but everyone would hate that its so annoying

same fucking day again

me: oh hey they have khajiit as player characters, thats so funny

him: pff the furries ALWAYS pick them, its just like 'look at me i want attention im a special horny little cat person'

me: it seems like you sort of cant be anything. whats the point of having all these races if youre only allowed to be a human without pissing everyone off?

him: there is lots of things you can be, you can do whatever you want, some of them are just red flags for annoying players and if you picked them everyone at the table would be instantly annoyed by you

me: (irritated) it says you can be a big hyena person. can i do that?

him: no

me: it says you cAN

him: it breaks the game, because any time you go into a town they will think youre a crazy marauding monster!

me: its not a computer game though! Its not pre-written! cant the DM just say people DONT freak out? if he knows before we play that im gonna be a big hyena-orc cant he preemptively decide people arent immediately afraid of me?

him: if you want him to completely bend the world around you and ruin his and everyone elses fun, then yeah he can do that, but its selfish

me: i just like hyenas! they are my favourite animal! arent you like a half-god fire genie or something in your game? dont people think thats weird when you walk into town??

him: i mean thats because im careful about how i treat it and make sure i dont get on anyone elses nerves

i just

god it was SO ANNOYING?

he sure got on MY nerves and i wasnt even playing with him!

why was he so sure id be the most insufferable person in the world??

i wasnt even like.. planning to join a game or making up a character sheet, he was just demanding i not be interested in it or get any fun ideas, basically. Id sort of understand if he was trying to give advice while i picked a race for a game he was in, but i was just enjoying the book!

ive never played SPECIFICALLY because the only people i knew that played were all from a really... intense... and not really MY friends, just my exes, you know? i never wanted to play with these people, but he was just snapping like 'no you would be annoying' when i was just ENJOYING THE WORLD BUILDING

its not like this experience kept me away from dungeons and dragons-- this was like the first couple months, before lockdown, right before the mask mandates, i obviously couldnt have played if i wanted to during this time, but like

man he was so unfun??? not even letting me enjoy reading tHE BOOK

nvm the whole thing he did when i tried to talk to the two of them about the monster thing in their campaign and how intense and nasty he got. i admit im not socially adept but he really seemed to expect the worst from me??

#dnd #kvetching #im looking at the dnd reddit and its fun but there is a lot of 'some player characters are so annoying and i never help them' tone #and its making me anxious about the idea that if i ever played everyone would find me annoying #like thanks i already have an anxiety disorder and am too paralyzed by social anxiety to play dnd with even 1 person i dont know #but now if i ever do ill be sure to keep in mind that every single thing i think and say would make everyone hate me #because you knew me for like 4-or-8 years and apparently were 100% sure i would completely ruin any dnd campaign i ever enterered #whaaaat were you basing this on??? i have never tried to be the center of attention at ANYTHING ive EVER done #long post

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dudebroghost · 4 years

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Btw, I put salt in the corner of every room and the activity has died down a lot. I was v freaked out because my mom was starting to hear things too and she never does.... I will never understand what happened to me mentally or spiritually all I know for sure is drugs (I’m talking pot lol) attract dark entities and shit is very really out here. It’s unbelievable but I’ve been reborn in my ideas of faith and ghosts. I felt something beyond love from a spirit and I felt something so incredibly dark and manipulating it put the fear of God in me for the first time in my life. If u mess with this stuff or even have a casual altar you need to be grounded to the bone. I sort of get now why Zak wanted to punch demons.... they suck. And idk what they even are... do we imagine them and thus create them into reality? Or are some people just unlucky enough to have them attached to their aura? Anyways, I swear I’m sane. I swear if anyone met me u would never guess what I’ve been dealing with. I’m the girl at Starbucks with the stupid basic crocs who cries listening to Taylor Swift. And I’m the girl who thought she was in a full relationship with a ghost for about 3 weeks. I’m sober now and working thru the problems I’ve made during the pandemic. I don’t talk to whatever was hanging around me anymore. And I’m not looking for highs to pass the time. for a moment I thought I was done with the paranormal. But I could never be. I love ghosts and I love the unknown. The first books I read as a child were about ghosts and aliens, it’s what I love and I don’t want one terrifying experience to ruin that. I’m sorry I’ve been using this blog to rant about mental health or my paranoia. Everyday is better and I want to just laugh at memes again. So please let’s go back to joking around, I know everything got way too deep, but I want to have fun on here again lol

#and thank u to anyone whose been reading these

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lostinfantasyworlds · 4 years

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Thank you so much for the tag, @goshinote! 😄

I made this a separate post since it was getting kind of long, but here’s a link to the thread. I loved reading through these and getting to know everyone!!

What do you prefer to be called name-wise? Taryn (pronounced like Karen but with a T). I never had any nicknames or anything

When is your birthday? June 7th

Where do you live? Connecticut, USA

Three things you are doing right now? Attempting to finish this ridiculously hard project for work by tomorrow (Photoshopping out a bunch of stop lights from in front of a building - it’s a bitch), eating Dairy Queen, and watching Fruits Basket in the background

Four fandoms that have peaked your interest? The Mentalist (specifically Jisbon) was my OG fandom/ship and the reason I got into the fandom world on Tumblr. It was an amazing time getting to watch our slow burn ship finally become canon together! Then I also have a blog for Brooklyn 99 (specifically Peraltiago), and another blog for Game of Thrones (specifically Gendrya - although the last season of that show completely ruined it for me). And then of course the lovely Inuyasha fandom that I recently joined and has been amazing! :)

How has the pandemic been treating you? Not great. The beginning of quarantine definitely brought up my anxiety for a bit. I was super paranoid about my health, constantly taking my temperature and freaking out that I had Covid even though I wasn’t going anywhere or seeing anyone. Also couldn’t stop constantly refreshing the news and obsessing over the number of cases. Luckily that subsided after a while, but now I just feel really blah and depressed all the time. I’m sure pretty much everyone is feeling the same.

A song you can’t stop listening to right now? Blinding Lights by The Weeknd

Recommend a movie: I love musicals, and one of my favorite movies of all time is Across The Universe. It’s a musical using all songs by The Beatles. I’m not a mega fan of The Beatles, I like them a normal amount, but I LOVE this movie. I saw it multiple times in theaters and watch it every so often.

How old are you? 28

School, university, occupation, etc: I have a BFA in Communication Design (basically Graphic Design but the program had other stuff like coding and video editing so they made it more general) from Parsons The New School for Design in NYC. I used to work as a Communication Designer for 4.5 years at a small ecommerce company. I loved the work I was doing but my boss was a manipulative narcissist (similar to Trump in certain ways). Now I work for an architectural photographer doing post production. Basically he takes photos of buildings (a series of them on a tripod) and I combine the different exposures into one final image. At this point I feel like I can do almost anything in Photoshop if I have enough time haha. I have had to remove the craziest shit from photos that I would have never thought possible.

Do you prefer heat or cold? I very much prefer the season of Summer over Winter, but I guess I slightly prefer cold over heat as far as comfort level. I cannot sleep if it’s humid/hot, I always need the AC on. If I’m cold I can at least snuggle under tons of blankets.

Name one fact others may not know about you: I’ve been married for 4 years to my middle/high school sweetheart. We’ve been dating since I was 13, so we’ve been together for more than half my life! Although I just realized that’s not really a fact about me so also I’m an only child lol

Are you shy? Yes and no. I’m really shy when it comes to initiating conversation/starting friendships or knowing what to say at first. But if someone starts a conversation with me, or once I know you better, I can talk forever lol.

Preferred pronouns: She/her

Biggest pet peeves: Abuse of power/bad leadership

What is your favorite ‘dere’ type? I honestly didn’t know there were more than tsundere so I’m just going to go with that lol. I do love tsundere characters though!

Rate your life from 1-10: I could go with a 7 or 8. I can’t complain too much. I have a great life with my husband, our house, and our two dogs. And amazing family and friends. Just haven’t been taking care of myself because of pandemic-related depression, and I’m pretty over my job. But things could be much worse. I’m really grateful for my life!

What’s your main blog? taryn-artistic-optimism

List your side blogs and what they’re used for:

goodluckteresta - The Mentalist/Jisbon peraltiagostyle99 - Brooklyn 99/Peraltiago gendrya-stark-baratheon - Game of Thrones/Gendrya

Is there something people need to know about you before becoming friends? I guess that I overthink and over explain everything? I also am not a super private person so I’ll tell you pretty much anything you want to know about me if you ask. Oh also I can be really bad at responding to messages sometimes, I suck

Tagging some people?

@born-for-eachother @redflamesofpassion @clementinesgulag @misteria247 @kaqura @juliatheanimelover7 @keichanz (I didn’t check who’s been tagged already - sorry - feel free to ignore if you’ve already done it/don’t want to do it!)

#me #personal

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thecatprince · 4 years

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Break The Distance

Read On AO3

Relationship: Prinxiety

Summary: Virgil is all the way across the country, away from Roman, and Roman misses him a lot. They discuss Roman’s feelings during a video call.\

Warnings: Mentions of Coronavirus, negative feelings.

Authors Notes: For context, I live in Victoria, Australia, and we have really strict Covid Restrictions where I live, I can’t go over to my friend’s houses, and the only way I can interact with them is online or through calls. Also our state borders are closed so no one from other states can come in. This is basically me projecting onto Roman, but instead of missing a partner I am missing my best friends. Anyway, enjoy reading!!

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“… and so I told Patton that I would die for him if he asked me too, because come on, it’s Pat, who wouldn’t? And he obviously freaked out at that because I guess he didn’t like the idea of me dying for him, and so I had to calm him down a bit after that but after that I managed to confirm I would do it….”

Roman stared at the screen in front of him, watching as his boyfriend recounted every aspect of his day through the screen. Virgil had been away on a work trip when COVID restrictions hit and he had been forced to stay in the hotel ever since. That was late April. Now it was September and although restrictions were in the process of easing, Virgil still wasn’t allowed to catch a flight back.

They had called every day since, and every day it got harder and harder. Roman loved Virgil with every fibre of his being, and not being able to see him in person, to wake up and go to sleep next to him, to cuddle and kiss him whenever he pleased, to not even be able to lounge around on a couch with. Being able to see his love through a screen was amazing of course, but no matter how much he wished it to be, it was never the same. Roman felt alone and tired of the heartache and longing to just be close to his boyfriend again, to be able to fall asleep in his arms, to lie his head on Virgil’s chest and listen to his heartbeat, to lie next to each other late into the night and just talk about life.

It also didn’t help that he couldn’t have any of his friends over. It might’ve been a bit more bearable if Patton could come over and hang out, or Logan or Janus, but he couldn’t. His only company was Virgil’s cat, Sally, who either loved Roman or hated Roman, no in-between. If only this whole pandemic was over and he could see all of his friends again. He missed them all so much, most of all his wonderful boyfriend who just happened to be all the way across the country…

Roman hadn’t realised he was zoning out until Virgil’s voice snapped him back to reality.

“Hey Ro, you ok? You are looking a little sad there.”

Roman started slightly and focussed back on Virgil, who was looking back at him with gentle concern. “Sorry, I was just thinking…”

“About what?”

“How much I miss you. I love being able to call you every day, but it’s not the same, you know? I miss being able to be near you, being able to hug and kiss you every day and all the little things like that. And I know that you will be home as soon as you can, and I know that it will be alright, but it feels like forever until I will be able to see you in person and I don’t want to wait that long…” Roman trailed off as he realised he was crying. Virgil gave him a look of sympathy.

“I really want to hug you right now,” Virgil said, looking through the screen at Roman. Roman nodded sadly, wiping his eyes and trying to calm himself down. Sally came into the room and situated herself in Roman’s lap, as if doing the hugging for Virgil. Roman gave a shaky laugh, still trying to calm himself down.

“Good girl Sally,” Virgil cooed. He redirected his attention to his boyfriend. “Hey, Roman, it will be ok, we’ll get through this.” Roman nodded, looking back at Virgil. He wished more than ever that he was there with him.

“I know,” Roman responded, voice still slightly shaky from crying. “It’s just really hard. And I know one day we will be back in the same room together and it will be wonderful, but I just want that moment to be now. And all the extra stuff happening with the world isn’t making it any easier. It’s not like I can go over to Logan and Patton’s house and talk to them. I want to be able to speed up time and skip all of this, and just be able for you to come back. I love you so much.”

“I love you too Roman. And we will get through this. I feel the same way. Being out of Victoria means I can go out, but there is no one I want to go out with. You, Pat, Logan, Janus and Remus are all the way across the country. I really wish I was back with you. But we will get through this if it is the last thing we do. Fuck this pandemic!! I love you too much Ro. You are the best thing in my life and if you think for a moment that a stupid virus is going to ruin that for me then think again.”

Roman gave Virgil a sad smile, gently patting the black cat in his lap. “You are the best thing in my life too Stormcloud. I will wait for however long it takes for you to come back home, no matter how hard it is.”

The two of them sat there in silence for a while, and then Virgil continued with the recount of his day. Roman watched as his boyfriend talked, laughing at the snarky comments Virgil made and admiring how handsome he looked, even through a screen. And although Roman’s heart ached to be close to Virgil, he knew they would be ok. They would be together again soon, it would just take patience and time. They loved each other, and that was enough.

They would be ok.

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Thanks for reading!!

Comments and reblogs are greatly appreciated!!

#cat writes #prinxiety #prinxiety fanfic #tw coronavirus #tw covid mention #long-distance relationship #ask to tag

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confused-bi-queer · 4 years

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My journey, I was never straight, just in love with a guy

I feel safe, so I will write this, just because. Nobody is gonna read this anyway

I’m angry because it took me 18 years to freaking know that I’m not straight and there were several things that were obvious and I wish I would’ve notice them. So, here I go. I’m a her at this moment, keep that in mind.

When I was like 6 or so, I pretended to be a boy, for myself. It always made me curious.

When I was like 8 or 9 I never had a problem in dancing with another girl, I was always one of the tall ones and sometimes boys weren’t enough, so they put me with a girl friend and I liked to pretend I was a boy.

When I was like 10, I realized that my height never bothered me, just the fact that I was a tall girl and boys at that age were really really short.

When I was 11, or 12, I went to a catholic school dressed as a man. This was funny and cool. They told us to go in a costume and I went with a suit and a tie, and the director gave me a bad look, but I FELT SAFE. I liked my “costume”.

At that age, I wore a boxer for the first time and enjoyed the fact that I had men’s clothes, I hate them tho, they are uncomfortable.

When I was like 13, I almost kissed my girl best friend, by accident, and I didn’t care, but the fact that there were like 4 other people watching us, made me nervous.

When I was 14, I joked a lot about kissing a friend and spent over a WEEK figuring out which girl had the most desirable lips and who I would kiss if I could, the funny thing is that I had a boyfriend.

At that same time, I had a best friend, another girl, and we always joked about being girlfriends and we always planned, as a joke, to break up with our boyfriends and be together. I broke up with him like 4 months later, but for other reasons.

In those moments I noticed that it wouldn’t bother me if I ever had a girlfriend, to experiment right? (Crowley, the lies I told myself)

When I was 16, one morning I woke up and chose not to give a fuck and dressed up like the boys at my school: with long shorts, a hoddie, my socks high and like that and I felt nice, but my sibling was like “you’re gonna go like that” and changed.

By the end of 2019, my family knew that I liked dressing like a guy sometimes and my mom told me in public, “Why don’t you come like a man, you know, with your tie and suit?” and I loved the idea, but the people around us laughed and I just told her I’ll pass.

I went shopping with my family, to buy clothes, and I was feeling shy because I wanted to buy boy shirts, but I didn’t want anyone to look at me. I told my dad this, and he said it was fine and bought me 3 shirts, I felt soooo good, because I sometimes feel safer in those clothes.

NOW, from here was the real mess, when I noticed that this was not someone straight would do. In the middle of 2020, I was playing a game, A GAME, this episode thingy and chose a girl, because what the hell, I thought it would be fun and it was, and I’m in the middle of a dance class and said out loud for me: “well, this is way more exciting that with a dude” and everything just screwed up from here. Because when I heard myself I was like, what did I just say, and I spent the rest of the class thinking about that.

When the class finished, I thought more and realized that I might not be that straight after all. I questioned if I ever liked men or just my ex, because I’ve been in love with that guy sfor years, I don’t anymore, but I was into him from 5 years until I was 16 years, and that’s why I never knew anything about myself. After that, I made counts and I do like men, but girls too????? And FUCKING GOOGLED IT. Because I labelled myself immediately as a bi girl. And one test was like: “Well, if you’re here asking if you are straight, you’re not” and that sticked with me.

After that, I did some research and went back in my life and labelled myself again. Here’s the thing, I don’t like thinking about sex with men, I haven’t, and that thought made me anxious and disgusted, no offense men, and considered being an ace bisexual, like being attracted to both genders, but no sex. Buuuut, I found out about this term “demisexual” and fits me. But the problem was now the girls and it’s taking me some time to still discover at what point I’m attracted to them, but I am. At this moment I’m definitely bi, demisexual for the boys and confused with girls.

I have came out to three people, and whoever sees this, but doesn’t know who I am. The first person was a friend of mine, bisexual, and she was hella excited for me, so I feel safe with her. The second one was my sister, I tried, and boy did I regret it; she spent over half hour saying that I was confused and that only because a boy broke my heart I couldn’t hate men and that how would I ever be sure (because I didn’t tell her I was sure) and sometimes I say that a girl is pretty or things like that, but never to make her remember I came out. The last one is my best friend, we were on zoom and I sent her a text, didn’t talk about that, but sometimes I feel connected to her.

I cut my hair to my chin. And that felt NICE, I love my short hair, but I couldn’t cut it shorter, like a guy, because I dance and I need at least some hair to make a pony tail, at least. But once I’m out, I will cut it.

Once I was sure of me being bi and solved this thing that didn’t take me that long, just like 6 months, and I was finally happy and proud and I knew myself more, like I found myself, at the end of 2020 I started hating my clothes and my long hair. Because my hair is growing up so fucking fast.

On december 2020, I felt uncomfortable in my own skin, I sometimes am, and decided that when 2021 ends, I’ll know if I felt like that because I want to change the aesthetic of my clothes. I thought it was just that, I think it still is.

At the end of February and beginning of March of this year, I read Carry on and Wayward son, by Rainbow Rowell, and loved them, although I’m broken and not mentally stable anymore, but I loved them, I found my comfortable characters, Snowbaz, and I feel connected to them, because they have been an inspiration for a novel I’m writing, they have change me, and they are kinda ruining me, because I thought I wanted to become a director, but turns out I want to go to UK and study fucking literature (a plan I thought didn’t exist anymore, it does, AGAIN). Well, thanks to Baz in WS, I found my aesthetic: flower shirts. And actually flowers have always been my thing, but not once I have wore them because my mom always said they were too much. That’s why I don’t know if my gender identity is crap, because I never had a place to dress like I wanted: using men’s clothes.

Thanks to Baz and his amazing shirts, one day, like last week, I dressed as himself, with the things I had, and I could because I had the clothes, but too girly. After that, it came to me a question, that it’s been messing with me. “Do I want to look like Baz, or do I want to be Baz?” And that’s why I’m having a problem with my pronouns, mind, identity, fucking clothes and everything. A fictional character just messed with me!

I saw this person in tiktok that was gender fluid and I kinda identified with them, because some times I feel masc and sometimes girly and some times I want to cry because no one in my family understand this and I’m the closeted gender confused sibling, child, cousin. So, I think that maybe I am gender fluid or just mentally ill. Crowley,I need to go to therapy.

So, I have stated that I want floral shirts, no matter what, I do, I am a floral person, but people just don’t want other people to be be themselves with their clothes. Yesterday, I went for an ice cream with my sister and told her this, that I wanted and AM a floral person and pointed at her floral shirts and blew my mind, I WANTED THEM and she responded with a “those are boys clothes”, and I told her “so? what about that?” and changed the topic.

Basically, my problems are around the way I dress, the pandemic that has taken a complete year of my life and I want to fucking live, and the fact that I want to go to another country to study a career I discarded because I had a class like that in high school and broke me, and it is not cheap, I’m not good at it and my parents didn’t even like the idea of me living in another state my own country aaand it is too late for me to send an application for next semester.

Back to my original point, I never ever questioned anything of myself and my behaviours because I was in love with the same guy all my life and dated him for a long shit of time, so I thought because I liked him, I was a girl loving a guy, but after several years of having broken up with him, I am a someone bi, because I don’t know. I don’t, but spoiler alert... I am not straight, at all.

#bi #confused #confusedqueer #queer #gender #what is going on #baz #rainbow rowell ruined me #i dont understand #gay #bigirl #biboy #they #help me i'm gay #journey

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yeo-rims · 4 years

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gosh but i’m really really REALLY worried about sw and hw fighting if hw finds out sw took js… i think sw is reading too much in it because if js still Meant that much to him hw would’ve taken her to his new place! like during the second half of the episode i just kept worrying about it and i can see that it’s eating up sw inside too like :( they’re being too cute rn for the device to ruin it! nd did u see how kang hears the device in the preview? - 1/2 anon

i knew we were gna get a confrontation with kang and the device but not this soon! i just hope that it’s not something that causes them to drift apart because like you said .. their connection is the Realest of real! and god when hw basically told sw she could spend the night whenever she wanted.. the way i shrieked… hw is so bright and straightforward with his feelings it’s so starkly diff from when he was pining over js lol! - 1/2 anon overall this had to be one of my fave episodes but i really hope that hw finds out sw has the device soon so the argument/confrontation can happen sooner rather than later! i’m sorry you’re not feeling the best :( whether it be the pandemic or seasons changing ik it’s hard rn :( maybe watch some asmr or ‘study with me’ videos? or research mindfulness activities that can help calm you! i hope you have a nice rest of your night💓 - 1/2 anon *bonus: HALF-LOOK! the romance!!

I gotta say the moment the device fell I had to pause the episode and look for spoilers because i wasn't ready to deal with them fighting at that point, and I’m not ready now either. I feel like sw took it because it reminds her that she “shouldn’t” be falling for hw, like this is her self-sabotaging!!!!!!!!! You’re right, she’s reading way too much in it, js is (sadly) gone, and hw is ready to move on and he doesn’t need to listen to js like that because he knows it’s not healthy. I don’t think they would fight over the device but i think maybe a deep conversation will happen, maybe some vulnerability from sw will appear at that moment too?? Not that it won't be sad, but i just cant see them fighting? But i could be wrong and that thought scares me. They’re definitely heading to a confrontation with kang, im 100% sure. He is already skeptical of hw and is afraid she knows about his past, once he figures out she has that device i think he will totally freak out about the possibilities of being exposed but also because it’s a device with his dead wife's voice so yeah, it’s not gonna be good. I hope he won't fight sw tho, but hw instead. Not that i want a fight, but sw didn't do anything besides talk to the thing, hw is the one who created it. Also, I feel like kang needs to acknowledge what he did to hw’s mom because it’s eating him alive and maybe a confrontation will help him move on too, and everyone can finally have some closure!!!! The way hw acts around sw now is so so CUTE!! I died every time they interacted, and it was so real but also kinda dreamy? idk they just have this vibe and they really melted my heart. But i do agree with you they need to talk it out SOON because this secret is going to be the end of sw (and us). One last thing I loved was the doctor and min jung?????? Idk but min jungs story was so well done and I'm looking forward to seeing how the house will help her (especially eun joo) to start feeling joy again because she doesn't deserve to feel miserable all her life. i know if the drama had its 16 episodes we would be getting more of them, but im glad we still can see her plot moving despite the cut. awww thank you! im watching a lot of korean cooking channels because those videos are definitely soothing! but thanks for the suggestions, and also i hope you have a great week! <3

HALF-LOOK!!!!!!!!!!! GOD! They invented romance.

#a piece of your mind #thoughts #this drama is GOOD #and despite the cut #the magic is still there

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writings-from-the-hart · 5 years

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Writebr Intro

Writeblr Intro Time!

Hiya! This is so overdue and I apologize for that lol. I’ve been meaning to write this but school seems to always be getting in the way of just that. Writing. But here I am finally writing this! And yes my username is a pun of my own last name but I just couldn’t resist.

So basically, I really want to surround myself with other writers and have stumbled across tons of writeblr’s (I think that’s what they’re called lol). Instantly I was in love and wanted more of what the community had to offer. I’ve been a self-proclaimed “author” or writer since my early years of grade school. I was that child in the back of the class with ADHD that couldn’t sit still (the cliche bouncing leg and always chewed down nails) and had what my mother called an “overactive imagination”. My notebooks in high school were often filled with wild stories about “galaxies far far away” or dystopias with cruel governments ruled by dictators. Now I’m in my second year of college swamped with classes about the Psychology of criminals (or I like to call the science of murder), and trying to find time to write a novel. So the struggle is real my dudes.

A little about Me:

Hana

She/Her

Pisces

Asexual

Forensic Psychology Major and English with a concentration in Writing Minor

Book hoarder

Dog Mom

Vintage AF

Low Key Emo Punk because I’m no average white girl!

History nerd (Love learning about the old wars and cultures)

Movie nerd (There’s an endless stack of DVDs in my house)

Fandoms:

The Mandolorian (or the ManDADolorian)

Star Trek

Star Wars

Hannibal

X-Files

King Falls Am

Welcome to Nightvale

Transformers (Obviously not the bad movies lol. Bumblebee is baby and must be protected always.)

Good Omens

Sherlock

Lord of the Rings

Marvel (There are so many shows and movies in this category we would be here all day if I tried to list them.)

Timeless (Not sure if the fandom is still alive after what the writers did to one of our ships lol)

DC (I’m a huge Batman geek and adore Wonderwoman, but I take the good with the bad when it comes to this fandom. Especially movie-wise anymore.)

And there’s probably more but my memory isn’t working currently.

Goals?. . . maybe:

Get my novel finished (This has literally been on my To-Do List for who knows how long.)

Meet more writers/new writers.

Improve my poetry (I suck at poetry so I bad I never let it see the light of day, so I need to work on it.)

Start my bullet journal.

Wips:

Okay by now you all know I have at least 1 Wip because I mentioned getting a freaking novel done, but just as a precaution as to what I mean by Wip or Wips. I get distracted quite easily, for some odd reason my brain absolutely loves to jump from one idea to another for no absolute reason. Like WTF dude we already have an idea we’re working on why do you keep bringing all these new ones to me like stray dogs. And like any good dog Mom or distracted writer, I want to keep all the ideas/stray dogs. So, when I say Wip I mean “Look at this cool idea I came up with” and I’ll make sure to specify which one is hogging most of my time.

Renegade: Dystopian, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.

This is my baby. Most of my free time is dedicated to adjusting plotlines, character arc’s, fixing freaking plot holes, and other important stuff other than just plain writing. I’m hoping to finish this also monster of a story by 2020 and get it published. So big stuff!

“So tell me little wolf do you want to punish those who have wronged you?” An assassin known as the Crimson Ghost makes their way through the corrupt city-state of Ashton completing a job given to them by the Black Rose. What is a seemingly normal job though turns into something far more complicated when they stumble upon the fractions of an abandoned notebook from the past. A past the Republic is trying to desperately hide and bury no matter what. On the other side of the world in the Republic’s capital Eshar, plainly referred to as “The Prodigy” or “machine” by his superiors, Eric Coalwood has built a life upon the ashes of his family, striving to meet the high expectations set before him by his mentor General Wolfheart. However, his life falls out of its normal day to day routine when the unexpected is asked of him. Command a task force made up of the Republic’s most wanted or his life is over. Eric doesn’t need reasons for why he must do what he has to, all he needs are orders and the Republic is more than happy to give them. Either way the clock is ticking for both the Crimson Ghost and the Republic’s prodigy and with time running out they both have two options. Either get over their different beliefs concerning the Republic or allow the world to once again succumb to war but this time nobody is going to survive it. “Legends are slippery things. For the glory that coats them hides the pain, suffering and death that created them.”

The Trouville Files: Dystopian, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.

Not my biggest priority but definitely one of them considering the plot of this story. I mainly use this wip as a reference for Renegade because it’s actually the prequel to it. Also, it’s great to use as writing practice when I’m plagued with writer’s block for Renegade or frustrated with a plot hole. So this is my double-edged sword that does a lot of good.

“Death in these black days is neither kind nor quick.” The year is 2153, the world we know is nothing more than a wasteland strewn with the dead and a sky being choked by their ashes, not glorious and thriving but desolate and starving. The Red Death, a pandemic with a steady progression and a gruesome countdown to the demise of those infected. No one outruns it or survives it. “United we stand, divided we fall.” The Allied Nations, a totalitarian superpower, promised a united people but all they gave this world was more death and destruction. The Red Death isn’t the only thing slowly killing humanity anymore, we are in the form of the War of Broken Pacts. The spark of revolution is lit, but if it will remain so is a question asked by everyone. Does it stand a chance against the iron-fisted government holding the people in shackles? “Rebel with a cause.” Genius Medical Officer for The People’s Republic, Cyprus Ramiro works day and night in search of a cure for the Red Death exterminating hundreds, at least before this war kills him first. But he is also a man on the run and the rebellion can only shelter him for so long. “Duty over pain.” Cunning Spy and Soldier, Orion Ultor is ordered by the Allied Nations to infiltrate and gather information on the ever-growing People’s Republic. In bold letters is Search and Destroy; make a ruin of the rebellion and ensure the Allied Nations remains as it should -- unquestionably in power. No matter the cost unless he wants to suffer the consequences again. “If we fall we shall rise from the ashes like a phoenix.” They should have never met, battlefields don't make good friends. It wasn't fate, it wasn't destiny, only war throwing people together. The Allied Nations is trying to stamp out something they fear, but can they before the Red Plague? Or will humanity find itself extinct.

Beyond his point is where I house my stray dogs/ideas

Hiraeth: Paranormal, Horror, Mystery, and Thriller.

Scooby-doo who?

Hiraeth means a homesickness for a home which you cannot return. That is how Arcane feels like she’ll never be home no matter how hard she tries to connect with her family. The closest she feels to being home is with her friends and in the worn leather seats of the van they all pitched in to buy. It all started out as a way to pass time and for all of them to escape their families because to be honest parents never understand, but it all turned sideways when a simple “ghost hunting trip” stirred something that was meant to remain buried. The truth never remains buried though, not really, somehow it will always creep back in ugly and twisted. Arcane has never felt “at home” but she’ll do whatever it takes to keep what she considers her family safe.

Sweet Dreams: Historical Fiction, Thriller, and Romance.

A literal dream turned into story plot and no I’m not kidding.

The Red String of Fate, The Lovers, and War. These are the three elements intertwined within the plot of Sweet Dreams but before anyone makes any assumptions this isn’t some chummy rom-com. There will be tears and heart strings may get yanked clean out because the angst is real. War and love never mix well, it leaves a sour taste in ones mouth and makes the mind question things it shouldn’t. Like is the woman in his dreams the same woman he sees in all his dreams? Constantly he somehow ends up spotting that same ruby red lipstick, honey golden eyes, and brunette hair laying in perfect curls. She’s everywhere except in his actual life. They say you and your soulmate share dreams, living proof of how intertwined souls are. She doesn’t believe in love or the idea of souls, not with the monsters roaming around the countryside and battlefield carrying assault rifles. Society tells her where her place is, but she disagrees and rather create her own destiny.

The Prophet: Paranormal, Thriller, Post-Apocalypse, and Science Fiction.

A short story I can’t seem to let go or it doesn’t want to let me go, but either way, this story has the makings for something great. It also at times seems strikingly similar to Good Omens, so don’t be surprised.

There’s no anti-christ in this story, he already has a book about himself so let’s not make another one besides there are other stories that need to be told. Such as, have you ever heard of modern day prophets and I’m not talking about those people with cardboard signs saying “the end is near!” or giant churches with people preaching about the end times. No, I’m talking about a kid with messy hair and dark circles under their eyes because sleep is no longer a choice due to migraines that plague them every night. Migraines that bring weird cryptic messages that make one question their own sanity. And what happens when strange people start asking about said migraines and messages?

Virago: Fantasy, Thriller, Historical Fiction, and Romance.

I’m not a huge fantasy reader, for some reason I can’t stay invested in them, but here I am with a fantasy story in my wips. It has mages, knights, assasination plots, and one super badass general who takes zero shit from her king. That’s right women empowerment, my dudes! I don’t really have much of a synopsis inline or a plot because this is only of those wips I let rattle around in my brain from time to time. But I will say it does give me that LOTR vibe but also Game of Thrones.

Don’t be surprised if you see my stray doggos from time to time because I will admit I love to play around with storyboards. Even if I don’t have a fully planned out plot put together for it.

And that concludes this what was supposed to be short Writeblr Intro. I hope I have peaked some of your guys’ interests because the community definitely got a hold of minee. Feel free to send me a message about anything I mentioned (even if it’s just fandom shit I don’t care) and don’t be shy. I’m a huge introvert but somehow love talking, so don’t worry it won’t be awkward and odds are I’m equally nervous about conversation lol. Also, feel free to add me to any taglist and reblog/like if you’re active and would like more Writeblr mutuals!

Happy Writing,

Writings-from-the-Hart

#writeblr #wips #writer intro #my ocs

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riotatthemovies · 4 years

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Riot talks with Chris LaMartina

Chris LaMartina is most known for the Vhs freak and Halloween geeks dream flick WNUF Halloween Special. He is truly a super fan of low budget American backyard horror movies as can easily be seen in all his projects via style and humor. Such films as Call Girl of Cthulhu and his imdb unlisted shot on video slasher he mad as a kid Amerikill. Chris took some time out of editing and crafting new projects and answering questions on the now online conventions to talk to us.

1. Sov horror is REreleasing some of your older works. Amerikill and Dead Teenagers. Now I have seen and own Amerikill and the slasher of that movie is basically killing kids many of which are less than teenagers. So tell me what Dead Taanagers is about, more than just the same thing but killing older kids?

Chris: "Dead Teenagers" was first, VERY DIY, attempt at making a feature. At 18, I knew I didn't have the attention span or stamina to make a full fledged feature so I tried my hand at an anthology. "Dead Teenagers" is basically a micro-budget ($300 actually) version of "Creepshow"... so goofy little cheap segments about vampires, werewolves, and things that go bump in the night with bare bones resources that would make the Pope weep.

Riot: 2. What's your all time favorite no budget possibly Shot on video horror movie and what makes it stand out to you?

Chris: I love the JR Bookwalter stuff and I kinda adore "Polymorph" the most. Outside of that, I really think "Redneck Zombies" is fun start-to-finish plus Perciles Lewnes is the NICEST dude. Eric Stanze's "Savage Harvest" was probably one of the ones that inspired me most to start getting serious about making stuff on my own.

RIOT:3. You are arguably most noted for the WNUF Halloween special. Obviously a love note to 70s and 80s American local television from the drugstore era of halloween as I like to call it, (The time when all your Halloween supplies could be bought just from your local drugstore, taffy candy and Ben cooper costumes) but I've always been curious how much the British tv special GhostWatch inspired you if at all? I love double billing both movies back to back before Halloween.

Chris: . Dude. I get this a BUNCH and I didn't see Ghostwatch til years after WNUF was released and people KEPT comparing us to it. But... to be honest, I watched about 20 minutes before I got bored. It's not a bad movie, it's just not what I was expecting. Very serious, and as you can tell by WNUF, that's not really my bag. I can see why people compare us, though... but to be honest, there's a LOT of horror movies/novels/comics about a reporter doing a report from inside a haunted house. One of the genius stories for WNUF was hearing an old Baltimore story about how an oldies station did a live radio show/seance from the Edgar Allen Poe house and picked up some strange recordings.

Riot: I totally get it , I just grew up in England when GhostWatch aired first unknowing of the gimmick, so imagining that experience though. Also once the gimmick is done yeah it is kinda dry so I agree, if you cant scare em completely, make em smile 4. Before the world went all topsy turvy this year you were crowdfunding for a sequel. How did that go and where does the project stand? Sov Horror is promoting a project where they are asking filmmakers to send in fake commercials for their film, I smell a mini cross over connection that is begging to happen there.

Chris: So, because of Covid, we lost about 15 days at the most CRUCIAL time of production... all the days with extras and big set-pieces were basically thrown out the window. We've still been doing a bunch of post on footage we have shot and are managing to do some "social distancing" shoots where I set-up lights, mic, and actors arrive in costume, hit their marks, and say their dialogue. It's weird, man... but it's how we have to do it. It's definitely not how imagined making this movie, but such is life. As for SOV Horror connection, nah. I love Tony and what he's doing is really cool... but I'm way too busy with WNUF, work, and other creative projects to toss anything their way right now. Riot :5. Keeping busy is key right now. How's the pandemic world treating you in general, if it caused you to stall on projects and life in general slow down. Luckily I find for no budget backyard film makers it's been seeing some real inspiration and online sales lately so I hope something good is coming for you. Anything to report on "What Happens Next will Scare you?"

Chris: The best part of the pandemic for me is finishing "What Happens Next Will Scare You" which will be totally COMPLETE by end of August (literally just doing the title sequence now). It took forever, but finally the guy who was doing all our screen composites had no excuse not to finish when he was trapped inside his house for months. ;p So yeah... that'll be available somehow in the next few months.

Riot: Thats great news

6.Whats your favorite things about low budget filmmaking and what are the things that get under your skin so much that makes you doubt yourself sometimes? I'm sure any of the self produced folks can relate.

Chris: I love how accessible it is (cameras and software are CHEAP now). I also love how much imagination you can inject into a project with the right levels of ambition and enthusiasm. When you're too afraid to fail, that's the best. As I got older and made more movies, you have the pressure of expectations... which actually ruins a lot of the fun, but I'm still trying to best to make cool, weird shit that *I* would love and hope there's legions of creeps like me that will welcome these bizarre pieces of storytelling into their homes. As for what gets under my skin... hmmm... I've always distrusted folks who care more about gear and budgets than story. That's way bogus. Furthermore, I think fan culture has gotten a little toxic over the best decade and tape trading has gotten stupid expensive / unfunny. But fuck those dudes. They won't stop me from having a good time and making weird shit. ;p Riot: I love my cheesy vhs tapes but you are so right the tape trader community takes things way too seriously , I just cant anymore myself.

Thanks for joining us for 6 silly questions with Riot (that's me) and may this Halloween be epic and future projects be awesome.

Chris: Thank YOU, dude! It was great talking with ya and hit me up anytime. xoxo

Behind the Scenes of Call Girl of Cthulhu

#chris lamartina #bmovies #wnuf #wnufhalloweenspecial #dead teenagers #call girl of cthulhu

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deancanmarryme · 4 years

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Okay, so the shock of the ending is kind of setting in and as (from my username) you can tell that I’m a huge fan of Dean Winchester. He’s an amazing character who has went through amazing character development over the years and let me tell you that the writers RUINED that. Dean Winchester deserved so much better. He WANTED so much better. Dean was a suicidal character, he hated himself and always thought he was going to die on a hunt, but he also fought. He fought for our world, he fought his own head, and he won dude. You cannot convince me Dean Winchester did not adore life. The way he hugged Miracle. The way he loved his kitchen. The way he loved driving baby. He saw light at the end of that tunnel and they robbed him from that, they took away that development and killed him on a mediocre vampire hunt and I will never forgive them for that. Dean Winchester deserved better.

Castiel sacrificed himself for the Winchesters countless times. He rebelled against heaven for Dean. It makes sense hed die for Dean Winchester, but to be sent straight to turbohell and nobody questions it? To make it seem like Cas didn’t matter? Guys he was on set, it was confirmed that he was in Canada so why the hell wasn’t he on camera? Why didn’t he have a scene? It’s so cool Jack raised Castiel from the Empty, but it’s so disrespectful to not actually give Cas a scene in the finale, after everything he at the very least deserved that. Plus, you’re telling me Cas willingly let Dean die the way he did when he sacrificed his life for him days earlier? It just doesn’t make sense. Castiel deserved better.

I’m sorry but I need to focus on Destiel, the goodbye scenes, and Wincest. I will say I am a Destiel shipper, I believe that Dean loved Cas back and I’m never going to get over the fact they never let Dean express that. Yay goodbye scene between Dean and Sam felt more like a *subtle* nod towards Wincest shippers. I know Dean and Sam have such a reliant relationship, but this just was not it. I mean it made the Destiel goodbye scene even feel less significant almost to me because it’s like they just wanted to get the ships fans like over with so they can move on without actually making any of them explicitly canon as not to stop someone from watching the finale.

The funeral! You’re telling me that NOBODY showed up to Deans funeral? You’re telling me that over the past 15 years Dean only had Sam? It’s not true. Dean had family, he had people who loved him, and it was more than Sam. I can’t take COVID as an excuse for that because that crew was on that bridge and I get it and I take the pandemic seriously but Dean Winchester did not deserve that death and he did not deserve that lonely funeral.

Eileen! Sure we can assume she was Sams wife but why can’t it be confirmed? I mean she deserved to be in that finale, she deserved to be with Sam. She deserved recognition. Sam Winchester loved Eilleen and that is simply fact, the way he just forgot about her wasn’t in character and it wasn’t right. Eileen deserved better.

Sams life. I’m so happy that he got his happy ending, but the fact that he just sat there for like 7 minutes holding his Deans hand while he died and he did NOTHING? You’re telling me Sam Winchester would just sit and watch his brother die? Seriously? Since when is that the Winchester way? Since when do we just watch our family die and make no attempt to save them? Because people deserve to live. Dean deserved that same ending as Sam. Dean deserved Cas and endless pie and trips around the country to wrestling matches. Sam deserved his brother. Plus so much was unanswered about his life. I mean what did Sam do for a living? Did he ever tell his son? If his wife isn’t Eileen than how much does she know about who Sam really is? Did he still hunt? Why did he never make an attempt to contact Cas or Jack? Or did he? And if so what happened? I mean you’re telling me Sam just walked away from it all like it never happened, like nobody or nothing from his hunting days mattered, like he didn’t have a best friend for an angel and his adopted son was God? I don’t believe it. Sam Winchester deserved better.

All of our dear characters deserved better, but the actors did too. I mean Jensen has played and dedicated himself to Dean Winchester for 15 years and has stated he didn’t like the ending and over and over through the years he has been told he was “too close” to Dean and that they just go where the story takes them. Well, if that’s where the story took them than they’re wrong. Jensen Ackles deserved better than letting this character he has lived as, bled for, cried for, and developed to be killed off on a petty hunt by a no-name vampire.

Jared said that it was his favorite episode and tbh IDK if it was just for viewing boosts but I don’t see how. I mean I love Jared and if it’s his favorite that’s great, and I can’t think of a better person to play Sam Winchester. Although I think Jared deserved to give Sam an ending where he was with his brother.

Misha freaking Collins. They have ALWAYS disliked Misha. Misha is such an amazing person. He is so sweet and kind and I love him and they did him SO dirty. They treated him and Castiel like trash and I won’t ever forgive that. Cas deserved a happy ending, he deserved to be brought back for a proper goodbye at the very least. Misha deserved to have that closure for him and Cas.

AFK!!! This ending implies that happiness comes through death which is NOT TRUE!!! The actors have fought so hard to raise awareness about depression and anxiety and mental illness only to have the finale of this show basically say the only way one of their most suicidal characters would be happy was if he died. That does not put out a good message especially when so much of this fandom deals with that. So many of us deal with depression and suicidal thoughts and Supernatural helped save us, but they turned the narrative of happy in life to peace and happiness always comes in death and I hate that because it is so not true. Here is to Dean, Sam, Cas, Eileen, Jack, Charlie, Kevin, us (the spn family), the actors, and everyone else who deserved so much better. We stand with you. We love you. We will miss you. Thank you for 15 amazing years

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exxar1 · 4 years

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Episode 1: A New Beginning

9/23/2020

2020 has been, to put it mildly, an eventful year thus far. A global pandemic, social and civil unrest, and a national election in 6 weeks. America has been thrust into a crucible, and, if you’re like me, you’ve stood at your front door, staring out at the world with a mixture of astonishment, befuddlement, anxiety, and, at times, quiet fear. Every morning has brought news headlines worse than the day before. Since mid-March, it has felt to most of us as if the entire world was flipped upside down and turned inside out. Where daily life was once an ordinary, comfortable routine, it has now taken on the feeling of a long, terrifying roller coaster ride: lengthy, nervous pauses followed by heart-stopping, terror-filled drops, and we never know at each sundown what the next sunrise will bring.

For me, personally, the last six months have been all of that – and more. No, thank God, I did not lose my job. Ever since moving to Las Vegas in 2012, I have had a successful career at a payday loan company. For the last eight years I have done well for myself, attaining the rank of assistant manager and making more than enough money to not only meet my needs but also put some away for the future. I’m still single with no children to support, so I have always been a workaholic; not so much that I burn myself out and have no social life, but neither do I believe in stopping at just 40 hours a week when I’m still young and capable enough to go for at least 60 or 65 on a good week. The last 8 years have been incredibly rewarding for me, and I’ve been very happy with my decision to relocate to Las Vegas.

But then, in mid-March of this year, my luxurious comfort zone was abruptly – suddenly – shattered. The Nevada governor declared a statewide shutdown of all non-essential businesses and a forced quarantine of non-essential workers. My job remained intact due to our status as a financial services company, but because all the casinos, restaurants, and most of the other businesses on the Las Vegas strip were abruptly shut down, most of my job’s customer base was suddenly unemployed. As a result, our company had to adjust accordingly. We have 26 stores in Las Vegas and Henderson, four of them operating 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. One of the reasons I was making so much money was because I could pick up overtime shifts at other stores. As soon as the statewide shutdown and quarantine went into effect, our company was forced to cut back store hours, lay off some employees, and cancel all overtime. Other perks such as quarterly bonuses were also canceled along with annual raises. All of this caused a sudden and immediate drop in my monthly income that I was not ready for.

Something you should know about me is that I am a type “A” personality. That means that I prefer schedules, planning, and as much preparation as possible for anything and everything. I live my life by a clock and lists. There’s no such thing as spontaneity or lollygagging. We workaholics believe time is money, and even on our days off we never really relax. We’re using that precious little free time to get the household chores done and prepare for the busy week ahead. Even when I watch TV I’m multitasking – usually doing the crossword or playing a game on my phone or Nintendo Switch. Type “A” people need to know exactly what’s coming and we usually plan not just for tomorrow or the week ahead or even the month ahead. We plan for at least 3 months ahead, and we freak out if anything unexpected pops up to ruin our best laid plans.

Now, of course, we all know that daily life is full of little surprises and upsets. But, if we’ve planned and prepped well, then we’re not entirely thrown out of whack by life’s minor emergencies. Flat tire on the expressway? No problem. We have great auto insurance, and there’s plenty in savings to cover a new tire and time lost in wages for missing that day’s work. Wake up with my throat feeling a little scratchy and nose stuffed? No problem! Grab that emergency bag of tea bags and cough drops from the bathroom medicine cabinet on my way out the door to work. Type “A” folks are what keep the world running smooth and on time. We’d control the timing of the sunrise and sunset if it were possible.

So, you can see why the economic shutdown of 2020 threw a massive and wholly detestable wrench into my comfortable, orderly life. I say this with a dryly humorous tone, but it was no joke. I had to scramble to rearrange my finances, but my monthly bills depended on a specific amount to make all ends meet, and I was suddenly going to be very short. The future, which had once seemed so bright and certain, was now dark and unknown, and I could no longer plan for even one week ahead, let alone three months. Yes, there was some relief in the form of the economic impact payments from the government as well as a one-time withdrawal allowed by my 401K. But always, in the back of my mind, there was the nagging worry about what would come after that extra money ran out. If the statewide shutdown wasn’t lifted, if my job didn’t allow me to work overtime, and if I hadn’t found a second job by then, what would I do? This is where it began to feel as if I was on a roller coaster. There were days when I felt good, when I forced myself to not worry about the future and live in the present, and I focused on my work. And, because I had so much free time now that I was working only 35 or 38 hours a week, I used the opportunity to catch up on my reading list as well as my writing. (I also watched more TV and movies in two months than I had in my entire life to that point.)

But then there were sleepless nights where all I could do was toss and turn and worry. April dragged into May, May slowly turned into June, and the news headlines just got worse and worse. George Floyd was killed by police in Minneapolis in late May, and suddenly the nation was erupting with violent and frightening civil unrest. Portland, Chicago, Seattle, New York – and even Las Vegas – saw marches, protests, demonstrations, and none of them were peaceful. Social media was flooded with black squares and “Black Lives Matter” posts, and now we didn’t have just a global pandemic to worry about. For me, personally, it wasn’t my own financial future that had suddenly become uncertain. The future of the nation which I have called home for my whole life was unexpectedly called into question.

Life had turned upside down and inside out. My own anxiety and worry multiplied with each passing day, and I did my best to distract myself with writing, reading, binging old TV, and a brief vacation back home to Idaho. But always, in the darkest hour of the night, in the back of my mind all during the day, there was that steady, drumming fear: how much worse could things get? How much longer could we endure all of this? What in the world would happen next? I began to suffer periods of genuine depression. It took everything I had to force a smile on my face and pretend at work that everything was fine. Inside, I was falling apart.

In the first week of July I landed a second job at Walmart. My financial future suddenly became a lot more certain, and there was some genuine relief in that. But the violence, the unrest, and politics of the world around me continued to be a major source of worry and anxiety. It wasn’t just my daily life – job, home, friends, local government – that needed to be orderly, calm and predictable. I needed the world at large to also be certain, ordered and organized. I needed to know that my basic freedoms that I had taken for granted my entire life were not going to suddenly disappear. In just a span of a few weeks, the American dream that I had been living for 42 years was rapidly disappearing in a rising tide of ideological dogma that was gaining a foothold in every American institution with alarming speed. For the first time in my life I was witnessing the stuff that I had only read about in sci-fi novels such as 1984. All I could think was, What if the democrats win this election? What if the police really are defunded? Could America really devolve into a true socialist state? What if the worst-case scenario really happens?

And that is what finally brought me to what I can only describe is a mid-life spiritual crisis. I throw the word “spiritual” in there for good reason. I’m an atheist, you see. I was raised in the Baptist church, but I walked away from the church and all religion in my senior year of high school because I couldn’t reconcile the fact that I’m gay with what the Bible teaches about that particularly heinous sin. The only way I could live a successful, happy life was to be myself. I have always been out and proud, and I had no room for any religion that would call me a sinner and claim that my soul was damned because of my lifestyle “choice”. (More detail on this in a later post.) I’ve been on my own for 23 years now, and I’ve been just fine. I decided a long time ago that God doesn’t exist. He’s a figment of man’s overactive imagination, a crutch for those too weak to face life on their own. I have never needed such a crutch, and, until this year, I was doing just dandy living my own life and my truth.

My job at Walmart is to stand outside the front entrance and, per the new health mandates from the state governor, ensure that everyone entering the store is wearing their mask. Those who aren’t and who don’t have a valid reason for not wearing one – such as a medical exclusion – cannot go in. This means that I’m paid $11/hour to do basically nothing. I stand outside by myself, greeting the customers, and doing a LOT of thinking. For the last few weeks I have thought about everything happening just beyond my front doorstep. I’ve thought about the future of my nation, as well as the future of my own soul. I have silently questioned all of the beliefs and convictions that were once so certain. I have wrestled with my ego and my intellect, confused and angry with the fact that I was so certain of many things in my youth, yet now I am so unsure and afraid. My parents say that God is in control. Yet I see no evidence that God – or anyone – is in control. The world has lost its collective mind, and America, in particular, is on a fast track to chaos and anarchy. IF God really is out there, why is he allowing any of this to go on?

One of the fundamental changes that occurred as a result of this soul-searching was my decision to switch political parties. For the last 20 years or so I have been a staunch democrat. I have had no use for the conservative views of the republican party. I’m gay, after all, and I proudly supported all the progressive movements over the last two decades that eventually culminated in 2015 with the nationwide legalization of gay marriage. I also believed that no one other than the police, the military and government agents needed to own a gun. I was also pro-choice. But I have never been much interested in politics. Until 2012 I had never even voted. My reasoning for this was a combination of laziness and apathy. No matter which political party won the election, my life never changed. The world went on every day as it always had since before I was born, and besides, thanks to the electoral college, the majority vote doesn’t always mean a win. Therefore, I reasoned, my one vote didn’t really matter unless I was in a swing state. And since Nevada is a blue state, and since I was a democrat, I knew which candidate would get my state’s vote every time, no matter what. (The only reason I voted in the 2012 national election was because I wanted Obama to have a second term just to piss off my conservative family and friends; and I was bored that afternoon after work.)

But then, in the wake of George Floyd’s death in late May, as the Black Lives Matter movement began a newly rapid ascension in almost every aspect and institution of American life, I began to do a lot of reading online during my lunch breaks and days off. Later, in July and August, as the national election campaigns kicked into full gear, I read even more news from both sides of the biases on the candidates, their views, and their platforms. In particular, I started subscribing to The Daily Wire and The Federalist. As time went on, as I read more and more opinions and news, and as I spent my days in front of Walmart in the Las Vegas heat, I started to ruminate on everything happening in the headlines as well as the ideological war going on behind the scenes in daily American life. I also began to wrestle with my own beliefs and convictions.

There was no specific time and day for my change of heart. I do know it was somewhere in late July that I decided I was no longer a democrat. I was going to vote all republican in November, and I was now a proud supporter of Donald Trump. But this was only the start of my mid-life spiritual crisis. I realized in early August that I wasn’t just a republican. All of my fear and anxieties about the civil unrest, the economic shutdowns due the pandemic, the war over whether or not mandated masks and social distancing were, in fact, the first step in many that would end with all Americans under a socialist dictatorship after November 3rd, the national debates about critical race theory and “white fragility”, the numbers of Americans on forced unemployment with no hope in the near future of any economic relief, the conflicting reports in the media surrounding everything to do with COVID-19 – all of it was just becoming too much to bear. It seemed that there was too much happening at once, every day, for me – or any of us ordinary citizens – to keep track of, let alone properly digest and analyze. By the end of the summer, as every state was debating whether or not to re-open public schools for the fall semester, it appeared to me as if everyone was close to their breaking point. My time spent every day in front of Walmart gave me plenty of firsthand evidence of just how frayed the nerves of all Americans had become. Everyone seemed on edge, yelling at one another because someone wasn’t wearing a mask, or someone else was wearing a “Trump 2020” t-shirt, or a black man cursing at the white store security officer, calling her a racist, because she was kicking him out for shoplifting. Tempers were short, nerves were frayed (including mine), and I – like so many others – started wondering: Just how bad things could really get?

In other words, it seemed to me as if the entire world around me had lost its fucking mind.

It was around the end of August that my worry finally turned into genuine fear. In the last few weeks, I have to come realize that America’s future as a democratic republic is not as sure as it’s been these last two centuries. My mind started to spin with all the “What if?” scenarios. What if Biden wins the election? What if the police force everywhere – not just cities like Portland, Minneapolis, Seattle and New York – really are defunded and scaled back? What if all the chaos caused by the unchecked rioting in those cities spreads to other cities and states? What if this pandemic doesn’t end soon? What if all this “white fragility”, “critical race theory”, and BLM nonsense actually gains traction in the worst possible place: the white house? What if? What if? What if? (Remember, I’m type “A” all the way!)

And now, the present; my reason for putting all this down on electronic paper. I came to a decision about a week ago that I was tired. No, scratch that. Fucking exhausted is more like it. I realized that, for the last six months, I have been trying to digest, analyze, categorize, rationalize, and compartmentalize everything that’s been happening around me so that I can sleep peacefully at night. I’ve been trying to make sense of all of this in order to calm myself and stop worrying. This has always worked before, but not this time. I realized that everything I had put my faith in for the last 23 years – my own reason and intellect, the ordered certainty of the world around me, the calm predictability of everyday life – had been wiped away in the span of six months. For the first time in my adult life, I felt truly helpless.

And that’s when I turned to the one thing that I had been ignoring for most of my life. For the last couple months, during my day shifts at Walmart, as I baked in the summer heat with no company other than my own thoughts, memories started to re-surface. Long forgotten memories, in fact. I began to wonder if maybe God really did, after all, exist. I remembered pieces of old sermons, fragments of Bible verses, lyrics from old songs of the Christian artists whose CDs I had long ago burned into iTunes. Some nights, as I drove home after finishing my late shift at my other job, physically and emotionally exhausted, I would pull up an old playlist on my phone and listen to Steven Curtis Chapman or Amy Grant or Michael W Smith. I have always enjoyed their music over the years as it reminds me of my youth and better times. Lately, however, it was reminding me of something else.

As I finish writing this, September 23, 2020, I am sure of two things:

1. I am saved. I accepted Jesus Christ into my heart in 1985 when I was 7 years old. I don’t remember exactly what time of day it was – or even the exact date – but I do remember it was after a SPARKS meeting. I believe without a shadow of a doubt that if I were to die this moment, I would be reunited in Heaven with both of my grandmothers, my grandfather, as well as others in my family who have passed on before. I believe that that prayer whispered by that seven-year-old boy those many years ago was genuine and heartfelt, and that it was uttered in sincere desire to have Jesus come into his heart. I have wandered far from grace in the decades since, but in just the last few days I have felt a peace and a calm deep in my soul that I have not felt for a very, very long time. God does not go back on His promises, and if we are sincere in our prayer for salvation, then I believe we are saved, no matter how far we might stray from Him afterwards.

2. I am gay. This right here was the main issue that I have been grappling with for the last couple months. I will go into this more in another post, but, put simply, I had been taught for all of my youth that homosexuality is a sin. It is an abomination against God, and the Bible clearly condemns it in several different passages. But I know that I am made in the image of God, and I know that I was born this way. There is no doubt in my mind about this. I knew as early as sixth grade that I was different, and, later, in high school, I came to realize what exactly that difference was. I now believe that God created me this way, and that I can still serve Him and His will without converting my sexuality. I don’t yet know exactly how or why I believe that with such conviction, but I do. Part of this new journey will be to understand and reconcile this conviction through reading, prayer, and other research.

My reason for creating this blog is twofold:

1. I have felt a need for some time now to get all of my thoughts and feelings down in black and white. Just writing this post alone has helped me clear my head from what has been piling up in my brain for the last six months. The act of writing helps me organize, digest, and analyze exactly what it is I need to understand about all of this.

2. And since I’m writing it all down, why not share it with the world? I know that I can’t be the only one who’s struggling to make sense of the world right now. Or, perhaps, there’s others out there, like me, who are trying to reconcile their belief in God with their sexual orientation? Or maybe they’re struggling with their own faith in some way in response to the chaos around us? Whatever the case, I want to be an inspiration for them, and I hope that this blog will help them in some way.

I don’t know where this journey will take me. For now, I am just re-reading my Bible, starting at the beginning in Genesis. I have the love and support of my family, and, as with everything else in this fucked up year, I – and God – are going to take this one day at a time.

Thank you for reading.

#Christian #gay #life #God

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