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#because I’m not pushing myself anymore
sun-lit-goth · 1 year
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I got big romantic and platonic turn offs that I shouldn’t shame myself for cause it truthfully bites me in and around the ass later
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museenkuss · 1 year
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It’s come to a point where I’m just sick of online consumerism. I want to read physical magazines instead of cheap, churned out click bait articles or dramatised YouTube “essays” by people who may or may not know what they’re talking about. I want to go to a store and get inspired by the displays, check the quality and fit of the garments and chat with the salesperson, instead of click-drop ordering stuff that’ll arrive at a point where I’m already half bored by it and still have to check fit/quality. I want to go to the cinema to watch films on big screens and enjoy the velvet, popcorn-scented atmosphere, instead of watching films on streaming services, one eye on my phone the entire time. I want to go to grocery stores and walk around the aisles or take a stroll on the market instead of ordering boxes that’ll deliver floppy salad leaves and individually packet portions of rice of questionable quality.
This internet-mandated “comfort” is sucking the soul out of everything, it’s turning every aspect of life into a grey sludge of sitting in front of a screen.
[naturally I’m well aware of the fact that this comfort is making life easier for a lot of people and I’m not shaming them for using services that help them in their daily life. Apart from sharing my personal perspective, I’m also worried about the fact that online consumerism is slowly killing every real life service and that is sad.]
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one thing abt being disabled/chronically ill that some people don’t get is that sometimes body maintenance that ensures you have the absolute minimum amount of function can also be something that takes away a lot of control and autonomy. you can argue till the cows come home that making those decisions to try and help yourself (or realistically to try to make sure things aren’t worse than they already are) is something that exhibits control and autonomy and stuff, but they can be so limiting in practice because they’re things that take up so much time but have to be done to do anything else
#i have to sleep a lot. i’m at the point where functioning requires 8 hours of sleep if not more#I should probably be getting 10+ but i’m a student and i work so 8 is the minimum. but then also getting ready for bed is a whole process s#the whole thing can take 10-12 hours depending how much im sleeping. just to make sure i can do anything#that is time in my day i cannot use for anything else. it’s not ‘oh but i can push through it’ because i can’t without spending the next da#lightheaded and nauseous and vaguely dizzy and with such intense brain fog I can’t think with my fatigue so bad i genuinely don’t know how#get myself to work a lot of days. my abled peers don’t have to deal with this at all. they have unlimited study time if they want to#and yeah it is a choice i’m making that’s true i could just not do. except i would lose my job and fail out of college because i would not#be able to get to classes or do my homework or think. but being told ‘but you are making choices about your life’ when i have lost so much#of what i used to be able to do because i am spiralling down and continuing to get worse is so.#literally last year i would wake up at 6:30 and then go to school till 3 and then go to my internship until 10 and get home at 11 and be in#bed anywhere from midnight to two in the morning and then wake up the next day and do it all again. i graduated with a 3.9 gpa and made it#into my top college while dealing with my cancer symptoms and then the two surgeries about it#but now i lose half my day to just making sure i can get out of bed. i can’t go anywhere because my body is physically too exhausted#any extra time goes into doing homework or occasionally time to myself#not decimating my health by doing minimum body care responsibilities isn’t freeing. occasionally i have a good day which is freeing but tha#usually goes into just. other things outside class or work or eating. I don’t go do something for myself or go do something fun on good day#because I still can’t. good days just mean i don’t want to lie down on the pavement when i’m going somewhere#I just. I don’t magically have control over my life because i try to get enough sleep. i lose half my day to doing that and ultimately it’s#just a bodily function that would have to happen anyway#this is a vent post im just having a really hard time right now because it feels like im in exponential decline. it was nowhere near this#bad last semester. my grades are tanking and i have no free time because anything outside of sleep is either work or school#vent tw#yall can rb this just ignore my tags completely#disability#chronically ill#i keep trying to explain to people how pots works because that’s all logical but there’s no way to explain what it’s doing to my body or ho#i feel all the time. the last time i felt this bad was when i had a bad flu or immediately after surgeries because i don’t react well to#anesthesia and always come out of them feeling like shit. and now i just feel like this all the time and it’s only getting worse#I can’t even stay up late anymore because my body feels like it isn’t counting the sleep even if I get 8 hours#I can deal if I have a free day the day after but that just leaves Friday and Saturday nights and I usually still have to do homework
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skillzissuez · 8 months
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Depression is all fun and games until your skipping school even though you’re weeks behind because you quite literally can’t get out of bed
#god I hate it here#not to mention you mother and father#SEEING this#simply decides to ignore you like your Alr dead#like damn okay 💀💀 fuck you too ig 💀💀#I don’t know how to fix this#I’m literally gonna be held back or taken to court bc I’ve missed so many days#but oh well the sillies r keeping me alive#Also I told myself I wouldn’t vent online anymore but I honestly don’t care anymore 😭#it’s so bad though#I tried to do some of my homework last night and ended up throwing up from the stress#and it’s not like my friends just forgot about me they are GOOD friends I’ve just been pushing them away; telling them I’m just sick etc.#it’s my fault so I’m not mad at them for not knowing what to do. The closest ones try to call me#sometimes I answer and we talk. sometimes I don’t and they leave me a message abt how their a good listener and they KNOW something’s wrong.#Truly I love my friends but at this point I just need to be medicated or in a mental institution ong#but again; it’s not like my parents actually care. they canceled my therapy that was court appointed to me#My support system otherwise is gone; my older siblings have moved out and I’m supposed to protect my younger ones from my parents#but deadass my entire family is well aware that I’m useless in that department#I shake scream and sob everytime my parents yell at us so I’m no help; really#I mean recently I’ve been able to keep my emotions under control but the only reason why is because I’m dead inside 💪#As I’m typing this out I’m realizing that I should be telling the world this especially not in my mental state but like. I dunno 🤷‍♂️#I know most of you don’t care or if you do your just concerned or feel bad bc you know what it’s like and I thank you.#seriously; I thank you for being human and reminding me the world can be kind#if anything im just distracting myself from whatever this is. whether it be playing a silly game or drawing about said silly game it helps#but it also makes me feel guilty bc I RLLY should be focused on trying to pass this year. but I’m pretty sure it’s too late now.#anyways; that’s why I’ve been inactive lately so I apologize#it’s funny bc I’m typing this out but I rlly don’t feel anything while explaining this to you guys#I’ll tag this properly; I don’t know why I’m posting this and I might delete it later I dunno#tw vent#tw mention of abuse
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ghostzzy · 10 months
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for the record, week 3 of top surgery recovery is way worse than week 1 or week 2, even though i am healing very well physically.
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webanglikethat · 2 months
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some people are so annoying like shut upppp ‼️ it’s free ‼️
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ohimsummer · 2 months
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feeling like i am actively self sabotaging by ruining a relationship rn
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teethgnashing · 9 months
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i need to stop talking abt body image issues with people who don’t have a double chin
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americanrecord · 6 months
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hey Kelsey!! I’m just catching up on the Californian motel series that u sent over and I’m currently reading the chapter “feel the void”
wow. what a heavy chapter,, i read the words ‘call izzy’ and SOBBED this is the last thing i was expecting but as always your writing is so beautiful and so respectful - hope your okay and cannot wait for when you release your book!
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upgradebitch · 8 months
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this project is going to kill me
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border-collie · 1 year
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.
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iguessitsjustme · 1 year
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Well my hip is hurting again. Great. I’d love for this to stop
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prettyboysmlm · 11 months
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don’t you just love it when your musical elective of choice makes you want to kys :)))))))))))))
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pissfizz · 1 year
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I am on the verge of giving into my narcissism constantly
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hellshire-harlot · 1 month
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Hahahahaha so it’s literally fucking over for me huh
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narugen · 1 month
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feeling bad again 😧
#egg boils#i was reading that japanese writers hoshimina stuff and they kept saying they felt burnt out bc of how small the audience was and like . Oh#my god i get it i get it nodding emoji bc there’s only so much you can write for urself…#i think at this stage i’m just so in my head . but realistically by now i should be accepting that kn8 anime has ended. no ones actively#looking for hoshimina stuff because they aren’t pushed past the tachikawa base raid anyway. so like. Stop Hoping#idk why i think people will keep reading or looking for hsmn (Or worse. nrmn) when there’s no reason for people to so#deep breaths. i’ll just do what i want to do.#maybe i should disable ao3 notifs#or just let it pass… i think maybe i should quickly upload all the chapters for nrmn instead bc i keep Expecting things and i don’t like it#bc i always end up with greater disappointment#:/#the thing is im rly clinging onto this hyper fixation and writing so much bc i know i won’t be able to when i land a job. and thats def#happening minimally in september#i hope so anyway#so i want to create as much as i can because very soon i won’t have time for Anything but#i’m just so sad#idk anymore ughhhhh#i did have fun. but maybe i should just let this go.#the worse part is that the hsmn fic im writing rn is genuinely! going! i’m not forcing myself or anything but idk i’ve really started#placing too much like. Emphasis on recognition i guess?#i need to remind myself that the reason i managed to churn out 43k for hsmn at first was solely for myself too#i never expected anyone to read it. so i need to maintain those expectations#i truly love all the people who consistently comment on my fics and new chapters but i don’t expect people to keep up with it especially#knowing kn8 isn’t a Big Thing anymore#so i’ll need to live with the fact that i will Not get new things new comments and whilst i love seeing them and replying to them. That’s#fine. because when i was writing for myself the only person who was reacting was myself#and that’s fine!!!!!!!!!#ugh#i can do this.#just until it naturally phases out. there’s so many things i want to create still
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