#because im a masochist i guess. idk

[comradekatara]

a quick doodle to commemorate korrasamiversary, the most important day in the history of humankind

[ratskinsuit]

Hey! Love your writing oneshots so much💗💗. I was thinking abt Adam whos surprisingly being subby bitch for female reader, its up to you whether shes a demon or angel. Do your thing!

MDNI

A/N: Guess who’s back bitchesssssss! >:D sorry it took so long for me to come back, my mental health was real bad, but it’s slightly better now! So I have returned to feed you feral trash pandas, queer possums and fancy rats (lovingly). Updates may be slow because im still very busy but I plan to do a bunch of requests so stay tuned! (ALSO I MAY START WRITING FOR CREEPYPASTA. I’m not much into the fandom though so idk lol)

So Adam always comes off as a Dom to most people right?

Bragging about how he makes you “scream his name” every night

Acting like he’s the one domming you

Presenting himself as a high and mighty god in the bedroom

But that’s all completely wrong

Because what people don’t see is how much of a little fucking bitch he is for you

How he’s often tied up in the bedroom, hands tied above him with a pretty red ribbon

Chest adorned with intricate ties and knots

Legs forcefully spread open, presenting himself to you shamelessly

his wings strapped down behind him, ruffled and twitching

His face red, hair messy and tangled from your hands digging into his scalp

Shoulders covered in bite marks, and back decorated beautifully with scratches (*Cough* masochist *cough*)

Eyes blown out with with lust staring down at you, filled with tears as you tear away yet another orgasm from him

his throat is scratchy from begging, the only sounds he can make out now are slurred, sentences as only being fragments and whines and moans of your name as he drools all over himself

He’s honestly so fucking bratty

He loves pushing your buttons, riling you up so you can fuck his brains out later

pretty loud honestly, but luckily he has soundproof walls, because he would probubly die if anyone ever hear how whiny he could be

honestly so up for public sex, push him up against the wall in a far back alleyway and make him forget his own name

Closet sex? Hell yeah

but you gotta gag him otherwise all of hell and heaven would be able to hear him

He won’t ever shut the fuck up so we know he’s good with his tongue.

Aftercare is usually consisted of you tryna get towels to clean him up and him whining and bitching

A/N: Kinda shitty rn because I’m doing this in like a severe thunderstorm with a high probability of tornadoes and I hate that bs so likeeeee- yeah

[spamgyu]

Why hello darling, what a good morning isn't it? Or is it night time? I don't even know cuz I'm crying sobbing dying over the seungcheol angst because 'it was fun'? 'Thank you'? Like wtf?!! And they're both in so much pain, god, it's like I remembered how I felt when I first read one of your stories, which was backburner btw and woman, you're out to kill me but I ain't complaining. You see what the problem is?? Anywho, thanks for that lovely angst, and well, just so you know, it's my first time getting pcs and it's not even for me, I wanted to gift them to a friend, so I guess I'm a fellow fake fan eh?

Moving on, I just saw cheol in the red hair and what am I supposed to even say? Like, I haven't seen that man in so long and when I finally do, he's red????? He's out to ruin us all and well, I'm masochistic enough to let him, omg, I'm actually losing it aren't I?

Also, I love your little drabbles on the cara's groupies in your asks, they're always so much fun to read☺️

hi hello good... day??? (stan life is so crazy bc why are we all just talking to each other in diff timezones)

LSDKFJLSDFKJ okay i've seen so many people cry/throw up at that part and i feel like i wanna break it down:

I wrote that part so ...... simple but it holds a lot of weight because weirdly enough, most long term relationships – end so simply. Sometimes people just wake up one day and realize that oh okay maybe this isn't for me. Seungcheol took control of that conversation because he kind of pulled the rug from under OC, no warning no red flags just straight up "Let's end this" In my head, she was caught so off guard by his sudden statement of wanting to end their story, but also being with him long enough to know there was no use in fighting – she just allowed it?? Him saying "It was fun, thank you" was his way of consoling her. Remember, I wrote this angst with his pressure of being a leader and being in Seventeen in mind. It's shitty but not all break ups have explanations and sometimes people allow the stress and their .... situations take control of their emotions

Anyways idk if that made sense lol

ALSO LMFAOOOO pls Backburner angst i lskfjlsdkjfsldkf the angst from that fic actually exhausted me where I had to take a break bc I felt it so heavily (me, an empath who self inserted)

BUT LETS GET TO THE GOOD PART: Cheol with red hair I know the girlies love him with black and peak-a-boo blonde (im girlies) but damn that red..... esp during hhu stage.......... ooooooofffff at the end of the day i am just a girl

[candiid-caniine]

I remembered I sent you an ask like four months ago and it took me forever to find it about like specific categories of doms I guess and I am still so confused about it, like I think you're right it may just be that Im kind of a pillow......there are no gender word for Prince or princess but yeah. Free use service top could definitely be the phrasing to describe what I like I think it's just borderline impossible to find any content for that so idk if it's right or not sorry if this ask is confusing it was a while ago that you answered it

no worries friend I remember it!!

I'm glad you're finding words that make sense for you 💕 yeah for the pillow prince/princess dichotomy we really need some degendered words I think...

hot tub heir? supine successor? reposing royalty? idle incumbent?

anyway...yeah life can be tough for those of uncommon sexual personas 💔 I'd say it's bc it's niche, but really, there are so many "niche" fetishes or bedroom orientations people take that do have a lot of content produced for them. I think it's also that breaking the binary has yet to hit the majority of the kink scene, which is sad. we still think people with penises must be tops, that tops must be dominant, that topping and bottoming is only relevant for cis gay folks, and a billion other things that on first glance seem only tangential to the binary.

on top of that, "receivers" in sex and/or kink - those who get whipped, get penetrated, get collared, etc - are considered passive if not entirely submissive. so for tops and/or doms, those we classify as "doers," the idea of dominantly or toppishly "receiving" is considered uncommon. but it's not! goddess love masochist doms! heavens bless tops who get tied up! deity smile upon switches who constantly have to explain that, no, theyre not "switching to submissive" just because they want you to choke them!

anyway. /soapbox. I have a lot of passionate feelings about kinky play and the binary. I love you puppy doms, I love you sadist bottoms, I love you rigger subs, I love you bratty tops, I love you mutual collaring, I love you sub-only verses, I love all of you for whom kink fails to be intersectional.

good sex and great joy be upon you 💕 and if you feel it would be fulfilling to you...if this content isn't out there for you, make it. you don't have to be a great writer, you just have to love what you're doing. I promise you, there are thousands of people at your intersection wishing someone saw them, too.

and of course you're always welcome on this blog 💕

[allbeendonebefore]

weird question but for the sake of fanfic accuracy, how would ralph and oliver like their steaks? my first instinct for ollie is to say well done lol

also this is my first fanfic so i wanna get their portrayals (mostly for ralph) right, as much as i can at least. how do you think they’d interact when it’s just them? personally i see ollie as very reserved/uptight and i feel like ralph would feel awkward bc there’s lots of underlying tension even if they aren’t arguing plus little things ollie says/does that grate on him even if ollie isn’t trying to piss him off.

ah the steak question, the one i always avoid because steak is my least favourite way to eat beef and i know bertie is like. PASSIONATE. about that. I think he'd raise an eyebrow at well done though, i think he is more a medium-rare/medium sort of guy and he is also a fan of beef tartare so the rawness does not bother him but he also wants that sear on the outside, yknow, like the cook put an effort into the Correct Balance. Well done is like. why are you drying out that poor cow, you might as well be eating jerky. [fellow albertans with steak opinions, please by all means tell me]

How they act together is definitely contextual somewhat but yes I agree that Ollie is generally uptight because that's the way he is around everyone, that's the cost of being the Good British Child and the Public Face - and Bertie has this roulette going that will either land on [high strung, take offense] or [make a show of being So Relaxed] because he's the one that Also gets flack for being the Princess Province from everyone, so he is out to prove (both to everyone and to himself) that he's NOT as high strung as OLIVER even though in a lot of ways he Absolutely is. Like, I will be masochistic and tough in situations I wouldn't be in private just to show him what a Real Man (tm) would do. (a real man may choose to buy heated seats for his truck but is not... he's not soft enough to use them... no sir... unless of course YOU want them on, I GUESS. i almost forgot they were there.)

[and like, the implication is that bert is "At Home" in his Element in the comic, which is a little different than Not Being At Home of course. no i didn't specify which airport they're at... oop. entirely depends on the reason why ollie is visiting which i also didn't specify]

Obviously with [gestures at the background radiation of political bullshit] though I think they are both tired. i'm tired. i'm tired of seeing it im tired of hearing it and we all need a break from political theatre. like yes, tension, its real, it's weighing on everyone, i often use it as fuel to vent when i do dumb comics, but its also like. we are in this same bullshit together, like me and my colleagues back in ON watched ford ripping up and selling off the green belt while kenney and smith are still trying to turn the mountains into open pit mines like "same hat". There's a point beyond "you don't get me!!" where it becomes "you get me...", its like, its this assumption that things are never going to change and the assumption about how one is going to react that is the actual crux of the personality conflict, you feel me? i don't know if this makes sense at all its just something i have been chewing on a lot. chewing on it like a dry well done steak

anyway its like. it would feel odd to me if there Wasn't teasing and jabs but for me there is definitely an ironic feeling to it, like they both understand what is actually going on but it's hard to figure out what to do about it and so they kind of get stubborn and stuck in their ways a little, but at the same time its also like "thanks for coming," "you see what i have to deal with," "i picked an activity i think you'd like (i hope you say so, i'm very proud of it even though i pretend its no big deal, this is me actually being very vulnerable and concerned with your opinion, i hope you appreciate it, but also if you did idk how to respond)" or "i knew you weren't going to like this but you should broaden your horizons and loosen up" hahaha...

(you see why i struggle articulating my thoughts, like, how do you Portray that idk man)

like, i do have more to say and im happy to try to be clearer about what i mean or to give some more specific examples or try to detail what i think the [+/- sims friendship points] things might be or those little grating things, I just need to stop somewhere before i stop making sense altogether hahahaha

[foxymoxynoona]

OMG IM SCREAMING MM 4 WAS INCREDIBLE! genuinely one of the best things i’ve read… you have such a talent, thank you for sharing it with us! I love all your work but i have such a special place in my heart for the secret songs series. I think because i relate to Sasha in many ways and because of that i’m scared (but excited) for the next chapters😬 i think i have an inkling of what happened at the end of the chapter and omg the angst… so excited (i’m guess i’m a bit of a masochist). Also idk why but i genuinely thought book 3 was the last one so i’m so happy there’s gonna be more. If the Secret songs series doesn’t have any fans then i’m dead🤣 but honestly thank you for your writing you genuinely make so many people happy with it, it’s an honour to be able to read your work!

P.S. i’m 1000000% team Sasha she’s my girl and id fight for her (jk is being an arse i just wanna shake him and yell what are you doing) I may love the angst but i want her to have the world and more. Your characterisation is insane, i’ve fallen in love with every single one of your ocs.

P.P.S. Jimin and Tae in this chapter were amazing, trying to get him to see Sashas pov and jimin’s devastating observation/assumption

P.P.P.S. im very very very scared of Naoko and what she may be capable of, she was absolutely awful at the appointment and the audacity of jk for not standing up for sasha

Sending you and your family so much love❤️I will be eagerly waiting for the next update whenever it may be (i would wait years for an update your work is just that good)❤️

Sasha: I'm really not a likeable person Everyone who meets Sasha: I would die for you

I feel you though and many readers seem to be having the same reaction haha. I warned everyone that Jungkook's "troubles" from last book weren't wrapped up yet! He didn't actually resolve anything from his identity crisis, he just boxed it up because he got back with Sasha. But a girl can't fix your issues 😎 and navigating how to improve themselves with the love and support of a partner is really clutch for these stories. Maybe he's right that he shouldn't just change tattoo artists because his girlfriend said so. Maybe he should think about why he might want to make that decision for himself anyway, reflecting on her feelings. 🙃

Thank you so much for reading and hopefully it won't be long, I think I'm just about done with the next chapter already.

[william-s-churros]

painful definitive edition thoughts from one playthrough lol

i mean its lisa, so am i gonna complain that much? the campfire conversations are a nice touch, but they're so sporadic and im not sure how to trigger them so i wasted a lot of time and resources trying to get the damn things to happen. as for the rest of the game tho, it really is pretty much exactly the same, just with an added layer of frustration to get bonus content thats like. fine i guess. the terry convo is obviously very charming and sweet but its kinda like i feel like the trailer/promo material kinda overpromised this feature lmfao

SPEAKING of overpromising... i was really hoping for more enemies lmfao.... area 3 has always felt extremely unbalanced to me and i was kinda hoping like. something would be done about that, but it wasnt, so whatever. i do feel like im the promo stuff it was stated there would be more battles but perhaps i just misunderstood?

anyways, its lisa! obviously i had fun playing it. i was just kind of hoping it would be like... harder.... or like maybe had an even harder mode than pain mode... outside of savescumming to bring back guys who died in battle and falling off a cliff once, i think i only game overed during battle once? i dont give brad joy and i usually play one-armed, tho i have beaten it armless and even then i still didnt struggle as much as i hoped i would... oh how i miss the highs of being killed by the mens hair club like 5 times before getting into the proper groove of things and the rush of finally defeating them... i guess this is just what happens when youve played a video game like 20 times.... you git gud as they say. sometimes i really appreciate the ability to stunlock (for ex, when fighting an enemy with permadeath moves lol) but sometimes being able to do that really detracts from the challenge ykwim?

who knows, tho. theres probably some kind of fanmod for masochists like me out there and maybe i should look for it. most of the ones i have seen as qol mods that make painmode easier which is basically the opposite of what i want lmfao.

anyways, all in all-- its lisa! most of the character information i got from campfire conversations is extremely compatible with my own headcanons already too so lmao. its validating i suppose! but its kind of on me i think for hyping it up in my own head. i am curious to see what becomes of this fandom as more people play this game this way.

ive heard theres a secret ending if you get all the companions that im gonna try for next. maybe its all worth it... we'll see.

also i still gotta play joyful! i do wonder if a lot of the changes made were to joyful bc that game felt like such an afterthought in many ways lmfao. we'll see igss! im probs gonna keep replaying these games forever because i love them, but yeah. i guess i was expecting more lmfao. but i still liked it! and im excited to try and get other things, but i do sort of feel like like easter-eggy character interactions is cheap in terms of replay value for me anyway, maybe id feel differently if i were still at that stage with the game that i found the battles really challenging and stuff, idk, lmfao

OH EDIT; super appreciated the toning down if not outright omission of the antiblackness in the original game, altho the american indian stuff was still pretty stereotypes, tho im not entirely sure what you could do abt that besides a complete overhaul of the blood moon area lol

[kamil-a]

another acepost longpost? another one. boom. i wrote the majority of this a while ago but was waiting to see the full route in case id have more to say about it later

i was going thru some ace stay content again this morning and he really keeps EVERYTHING about tower stuff absolutely 100% locked down. wonder why hes keeping those particular cards to his chest...doylistly i guess so it can be a ng+ surprise lol

he gives alice his little "no don't seek mental health improvement youre so sexy like this aha" speech. no i like that youre humble and gloomy... hang on let me open the game and just quote him directly:

"im weak to masochistic people. it's like they need to be rescued, and it catches my attention. look, i am a knight, after all. when i see someone so unsure, i can't help but find it cute. i want to help them, but also to push them over the edge. it makes me want to bully them."

"hey, i may be a knight, but i'm also a wanderer. the kind that makes cute girls go along on his adventures, you know?" 

COMPUTER DIED AS I WAS LOOKING AT THAT SO I MAY HAVE MISQUOTED but the point is girls specifically. he's keeping the bi card close to his chest too. this i don’t think is saying anything intentional about him (the way i think the ‘look, i am a knight’ is) except like. we live in a heteronormative society, but it’s interesting with a like more headcanony interpretative lens, especially because i don’t think he has anything at all to lose by being Open about that- as we see from vivaldi!

also the other point i notice as i type is that specifically here he ties his depression fetish (for a quick n easy if much oversimplified term) to his role as Knight which is VERY INTERESTING!!! MUCH 2 THINK ABOUT. i dont think he does that in the tower.

but also in the tower he also just sort of lists negative traits and goes "well i think they can be good! and i'm attracted to people like this :)" and i feel like here he goes a bit more into WHY. 

not that i think he even knows the full why, because i think THAT'S a fear of being abandoned by a person who can 'get better' like he doesn't think he can do at all.

so he's both opening up to her in a unique way and also keeping a LOT of things to himself. very tasty to think about. 

but actually, when he talks to her about how social faults can be a good thing and also he’s attracted to them in tower stay, he's not being any more "no role, just himself" there either, is he? he's wearing his cape.

and when, in the tower stay route, he talks about love and protection in the same breath (about julius), he does it in his knight’s clothes.

lets see what he says in nonstay about his secret alter ego- future me here! he doesn’t. he also doesn’t really go into detail about his ‘depression fetish’ , he says something about her having bad parts too but it’s okay, and talks about wanting to keep her in her pain and misery, but like... idk i guess they were like its been years, you should know this by now, lol. they had new things to talk about! but i was hoping there’d be like a perfect synthesis of ‘talks about depressed people being hot while shirtless’ or something

also he talks about how he wants to be the only person who hurts her and protect her from everything else. (sighs exasperated-fondly) ace....

he was not lying when he said if i give someone a pain always i will choose you i dont hesitate doing it i am not scared.... future me here again! this part gets REALLY emphasized in nonstay route.

anyway i think he hates the weird identity situations he's gotten his life into and only entraps himself further but also he has connected his expressions of love, closeness, romantic and nonromantic like just all of it, to those identities. whoops lol

---

this is a second saved-for-later bit semirelated so im putting it here too:

ace does keep his other loyalties (and his bisexiness) mostly under wraps to alice, huh... (as opposed to peter and vivaldi, who know his deal with traitorly actions etc) and he’s very happy to share when prompted, whether its his bi-2-bi communication ball moment with alice (before he gets into ball clothes, iirc!) or when alice lives at the tower and sees him. but otherwise he won’t bring it up himself. maybe its a rules thing... but im sure he could engineer it to come up if he wanted. even in elliot nonstay he just ominously warns instead of going like “ok yeah i have skin in the game myself”.

it’s very good dramatic irony lol. but poor alice having it hidden from her!!

[puppyboychewtoy]

1, 2, 14, 15: Do you have any porn preferences?

1. What’s the first kink you remember having

probably kidnapping / ownership ; i remember having a growing fascination with those kind of ideas that early into my teenage year started to take on a sexual nature.

2. What’s the kink you would be most nervous about your irl friends finding out about?

probably the rape stuff. Definitely the rape stuff, i think, just because it crosses a line of what's acceptable. someone finding out that i like to get talked down to ans hit doesn't feel as bad as wanting someone to force themself on me and for me to not really even enjoy it.

14. What’s your weirdest kink?

weird by.. what standard? i feels like a lot of what i like aligns more or less with ""standard"" bdsm tastes (brutalization, fear and being threatened, humiliation, ownership, daddy as a title and rapeplay/cnc/ rape fantasies being so common, knife play and edge play and choking and the like,..) .. even my genuine interest in and fascination with pain doesn't feel that weird in the context of a masochist. i guess the only really out there thing i can think of ia that. well. sometimes lactation is hot. i dunno. ill do basically anything asked of me i just want to make my master happy and have a useful place in his life.

idk bc i haven't really dwelled on it but master's boyfriend being put aside by them wanting to fuck me more often and with more vigor (especially in the middle of a threesome) and the obligation i feel to help him finish off after or just like. the jealousy and unbalanced relationship dynamics are hot sometimes and i think that's probably pretty odd too

15. wildcard/porn preferences?

i don't really look at the stuff but when i do it's gotta be very "amateur". any amount of obvious acting / fake enjoyment is just. worlds biggest turn off. if i can tell someone is only pretending to have a good time or is mostly playing it up im better off just closing my eyes and just enjoying the feeling of touching myself and whatever i can think of

[radiant-absolute-radiance]

So I did the path of pain for no good reason and all i got out of it is my friends diagnosing me with masochism

[towerofgodscreamblogwink]

reading (idk which chap because didn’t put it in the notes this time so im guessing it’s) 87 but we have beyonce meme, lybirock has issues over people calling him fish, white is mermaid gf, im kinkshamin bam’s hands lovers, but other than that i think we’re sane

disclaimer: these readings were made weeks ago as I’m up to date with raws, but waiting till official release so I can post (for several reasons, like switchin screens to official ones to not promote piracy and shi like that until i snap and blow up everything) (hence there might be future nes might be appearing - aka me as am checkin thru) 

dfsdfsdfsdf

i just call him “ryba” cos it just sounds similiar to me

(ryba means fish in polish)

commander fish he is now

but lybirock rly doesn’t like people calling him commander fish 

“Kallavan, would you please stop calling me that, and call me my real name? it’s really hurting my feelings.”

“Utmost apologies friend, I promise to no longer call you Lybirock, Commander Fish.”

“Kallavan, this is why I go to a therapist.”

YES

i saw ppl screaming about the hand and im like, yall, have some self respect (future nes: i forgot i was kinkshamin ppl durin these chaps, so now im just like, nice old nes)

ah yes bam activates the his special technique that existed since ancient times, “AAAAAAAAA”

he looks like he’s in a dress 

(future nes: now that im lookin at again, he looks like a mermaid)

Bam: omg i always wanted to have a mermaid gf

White: i’m not a mermaid bam: ...

this is why bam snapped x2

nice panel

white: Im sorry mister bam, but i think ur not aware...

bam: eh??

white: THIS IS SHOUNEN!! ONLY PLOT DECIDES WHEN I DIE, NOT YOU, AHAHAHAHHAHA

BAM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

this is the real reason why bam snapped

bruh, are you a masochist??

WHAT DID I JUST SAY

he’s looking as if he realized the sale is already over

“that the sale for that cool ass robe u wanted... IS ALREADY OVER!!”

“EEEEEEEEEEE”

yEEEEEEEE

same

(future nes: bro these readings were made weeks ago and i forgot most of these so rereading em now has me like “what was up with me??”)

heyyyy nice colours

“TEAM ROCKET BLASTS AGAIN!!”

i was wondering when she’d appear

*mANLY GRUNT*

don’t look at it for too long

i like this scene

that was powerful also white looks like an angry girlfriend

(future nes: fan translations had wayyy more tension here)

white’s like “ew bro watch out these r my newest shoes”

oh i love the pose

dick metaphore 

now THAT’S impressive

other me: that’s tentacles.

me: shut up

[flecks-of-stardust]

i am slightly emotional about the storyline for the moths in dreamless. spoilers below, yall know the drill by now

i just. oh my god. i love exploring complex grief

like its not fun to explore, exactly, but it Is cathartic, and that catharsis is fun in a way i guess. sometimes you just gotta make some angst and lean into it and cry a lil yknow

and also the different ways in which the living moths grieve and the different relationships they had with the person they lost, and the closure that they do or dont get in the end and i just

it hurts. it hurts so good. maybe this makes me a masochist KJFDGHKJD

idk man. honestly i wasnt expecting a sort of offhanded decision to give markoth a sister and to make marmu thistlewind’s sister to have such a far reaching impact, though in hindsight it damn shouldve. these things have ripple effects; hell like 80% of the reason markoth is the way he is in dreamless is because of losing his sister and the complex grief of knowing shes dead, she has been dead for years upon years, she died for a cause he supports and he knows she knew the risks going into it, but also not being able to properly mourn and move on because she left holding all those ambitions, and then just disappeared like a trick of the light. two hundred fucking years shes been dead, and he hasnt seen her body, he doesnt know what actually happened to her, but he knows shes dead and thats all he has. how are you supposed to grieve properly with that?

and i havent even explored how navath (the seer) deals with her grief about her daughter, since markoth is her son in dreamless. just. god. exploring this is kind of healing for me, in a way, even if they dont quite get closure in the end

im just rambling now but seriously. fuck me man. this is why tragedies exist

[mitchelljoni]

Hey, your fic is amazing, like truly it's brilliant and I love everything about it, all the insane parts too. I think between the two of them Sue is the bigger masochist though. Like she's a sadist without realizing it sometimes but she's def a masochist most of the time. The thought that next chapter will be in the present is driving me a little mad knowing how we left things in ch7. Like I'm scared. A little. I love the theater stuff. I don't know many things but I sure am enjoying learning new things. And how both of them were so nervous when they had to kiss in that scene. Emily too. Also, Sam Bowles the dude is a great way of creating more and more tension but boy do I hate that guy. And I really hope Emily doesn't sleep with him, this is one of the things that make me feel scared. A vicious cycle. They seem to be good at it. So yeah, someone has to stop it. And it kinda seems like it has to be Sue. I loved your post about tension building, the long one, I loved it because yeah that's it.

I wanted to ask was there a specific reason why it seemed like they haven't slept together for months at the beginning of the fic, if it's not a spoiler? And one more thing have they had any other relationships since they started living together? I guess the answer would be no, one night stands aside. There are so many quotes that make me think of them. Yeah, thank you for everything!

HEYYYYY omg THANK YOU 🥺😵‍💫🤠....yeah sue is def a masochist it is simply ingrained in her....🤧🤧🤧 exactly exactly shes a sadist basically bc shes a masochist who doesnt realise her masochism affects others dlksgjdflkjg stupid little psycho...so glad u love the theatre stuff omg sometimes i worry it's like. self indulgent but it's kinda fun to play around w this idea of seeing/being seen in that arena...exactly like what ur talking about w them being nervous to kiss like it feels objectively dumb to be nervous about kissing in a scene when you like. do it all the time but theres obviously something there about how their affection has always been kind of. a secret (like a BADLY kept secret but still) and at least behind closed doors, how to translate that to the outside world, how to "act", also like the self consciousness of it.....fun to mess around w for sure!!!! so glad u agree!!

ya for sure sue that little nutter shes got Stuff to Sort Out now...vicious cycle yeh!!! so glad u enjoyed the post ab tension, it's so weird/lovely/unexpected to hear that ppl enjoy reading the stuff coming out of my silly little brain ahah bc i actually do like writing about it so it's v fun 😙

also 2 answer ur questions: hmm there isn't REALLY a specific reason, think they kind of go through spells of trying to ummm behave and be normal and then just kind of go. hmm fuck it lol. theres more to come on that though so will stop there so im not spoiling stuff in ch9 🤠 and for other relationships, you're kind of right, i think there were probably attempts at relationships that might have lasted some weeks or even months in places but nothing with too much consistency, more one night stands or casual dating. i don't really see it as a conscious thing though i think it is partly that but partly just like. whats the point whats the point when you're living with the love of your life and you know youve found them. i think that's def emily's perspective in a way and at this stage shes almost just. dating for the variety lol and in a like. ok well let's see what's going on w sue this time...i think actually sue by contrast def doesn't date as much. like more the off one night stand and she feels embarrassed about it. idk if that makes sense it's more just my gut feeling so u can choose what to think ofc!!!! as always!!!!

thank u for this kind and thoughtful mssg, i loved reading it :)

[b0ttl3d-up-st4rs]

Well I'm gonna do what I do best and self reflect to an insane amount. This is probably gonna be a long post so buckle up.

To be honest my behavior for nearly the past year now is concerning to say the least. There's this little voice in my head that just desperately wants to get more and more hurt, more and more traumatized. Why is that? At first glance the negative approach could be to say its some sort of masochistic behavior and any negative repercussions as a result of this behavior is deserved, but I don't really think thats the case.

Self sabotage is a characteristic that can be exhibited in many mentally ill people and I am no exception. I think this behavior, of seeking to be hurt by grown men on the internet is partially self sabotage.

And I remember when I first started this shit show, I just wanted attention. Sounds mean to say, but craving attention is something the human soul desperately wants. And I was starting to feel some sense of self beauty but I didn't feel as though anyone around me was appreciating it so I tried to get attention from grown men because being showered in compliments and attention felt so good when my whole life I've never gotten any of that.

I think there's more too it, though. Looking back my whole life it's almost as if I've wanted to get hurt. In books I liked to sit around with the pain the characters felt. And its almost like I wanted to get traumatized. I've heard that people with trauma that they don't acknowledge is trauma or think its bad enough to be traumatizing seek put worse forms of trauma, in order to feel that pain is valid. And I think that's part of my issue too.

I do have unaddressed and repressed childhood trauma. I was given unrestricted internet at a young age and was exposed to the horrors of the internet. Nothing like straight up porn, but a lot of suggestive content. And in general being exposed to that caused me a lot of catholic guilt as I was raised catholic. I remember feeling like knowing these things were my fault. Many days I felt so guilty that I would pray to god to let me not wake up in the morning.

As a child I also questioned my religion a lot, which i think was traumatic in itself. Religion is a big thing. And as a kid I had a big issue knowing reality from fiction. Heck I still do. I remember as a kid my friend telling me that we were all demigods and one day we were going to run away to camp half blood. That the percy jackson books were real. It sounds stupid now, but I processed that as real and it was so stressful for me.

And I remember being 12 coming out as trans and as a part of the lgbtq community to my parents. They didnt react well. They said I was confused. My mom said I was both too young and too old to know. I fought a lot with my mom. And in general have a lot of unhappy memories from then. I was outed multiple times in my life.

My relationship with my parents still isnt good. My mom has a tendency to be toxic. I hate that I have to stay in the closet around my family its so painful. Like a month ago I mentioned the lgbtq community for the first time in years, asking my mom her opinions on it and if it changed since 2017, and it turned into her yelling at me and making herself a victim. It really hurt. I forgot how much it hurt.

I don't really have much of a relationship with my dad. We barely talk. Hes very emotionally distant. When I'm at my dad's house I sort of fend for myself. Its the exact opposite at my moms house. She's overbearing and never leaves you alone. It's like going between to extremes.

And honestly I can't wait to move out. My mom and I have arguments a lot. But hey at least I have some relationship with her, I don't really have a relationship with my dad.

I remember one time this year, I was during the end of a school semester. I needed to catch up on work because after talking to my abuser for like 5 months and then unlocking him I was left in shambles and fell into a really bad depression to where my motivation for school just disapeared. Im still dealing with that tbh. Anyways I had to go to a online meeting to choose my classes and I didn't get to choose the classes I thought I would be able to, and that made me really upset. But after the meeting I had to go to do am act of kindness (I chose picking up litter at a graveyard cause i like graveyards) for my school project but I was still distraught. If I was given some time to myself I probably wouldve been able to go without issue, but my mom wanted to go immediately. We argued. And when I got there I refused to leave the car because I felt so much like shit. We argued more. It was the worst argument I ever had. She even swore at me. Which she's never done before. And she ended up playing victim again. She does that a lot I guess. And doesn't really listen to my feelings. Whenever I try to communicate about my feelings with her it turns into an argument and she makes it about herself. So yeah our relationship isn't the greatest. And I think having mommy and daddy issues is a trauma in itself. Ppl deserve to have happy healthy supportive families.

Oh right and another trauma I completely forgot (funny how that happens) is when I was 14 and admitted to a mental hospital because I tried to off myself. It was so surreal and they forced me to learn how to make eye contact with people cause apparently thats "how they know im doing ok". Which is kinda fucked considering the fact I recently realized I might be autistic. And eye contact is literally so painful for me. It especially was back then. Anyways the place itself wasnt too bad but the feeling of being trapped overall sucks and being disconnected from the rest of the world isnt fun either. Also I dissociate all the time but I especially dissociated hard thru the whole experience. And sort of made myself into the perfect patient, repeating all their bs and literally lying to myself to convince myself that I was ok so they would let me go. So that was kind of weird.

Anyways I know I have it better than others. And honestly sometimes it's hard to tell what exactly was traumatic in my childhood. I probably forgot and repressed other parts of it too and am forgetting things. But needless to say these unaddressed traumas didn't help my mental state. And i do think that's a big part of the voice in my head begging me to just get hurt more.

Overall my mental state is fucked, It's been really hard for me not to be taken advantage of by another internet pedo. Heck the only reason that isn't happening rn is because no ones dmed me yet. Also I unblocked my old abuser and we are talking again now so thats fun. It definitely doesnt help the cognitive dissonance in my brain of him being actually a nice and supportive dude. I think thats also a part of me wanting to get more traumatized. Since my abuser is a nice person that should counteract all the fucked up sexual things he said to me in the past right? I mean others have it worse, had worse abusers that were actively cruel. That's part of the bitch in my subconscious brain talking. It sucks tbh.

Anyways yeah I probably need therapy but I don't feel comfortable talking about this to my current counselor and honestly its really hard to say out loud. I can talk forever about it by writing it down but the moment I speak words from my dumbass mouth I break down in tears and can't do it. Plus idk, I'm scared if I say anything she'll have to tell my parents and that my phone might be taken away or I'll have less privacy and for a closeted queer where my only current life line is the internet and my online friends: that is a terrifying idea. Idk. I'm fucked basically.

[socialistseunghyun]

i think im taking a break from tumblr for a while ✌🏻i feel like there’s a weight on my chest whenever i think of seunghyun, and im finding it hard to muster any enthusiasm for the rest of bigbang when he's like this. there’s nothing i can do to help the situation so im just gonna try and separate myself from it for a while. idk. very dramatic, and i probably won't be gone for long because...you know, no self control. 

[stormyoceansmain]

What was your favorite episode of season 1 and why? Also, would love for you to answer this question at the end of each season as well.

hi anon!!! first of all, thank you so much for the question!! i can definitely answer that for each season if that's something you'd be interested in!!

for season 1, i think my favorite is probably episode 4, "worst day ever", which is kinda funny to me considering i always get very scared when i have to take a plane and this episode isn't really helping with it, but still.. i actually really enjoyed the plane rescue, and even if it was heartbreaking and such a tragedy i still think it was beautifully done and that they handled the entire thing pretty well. i also may be a little bit biased, because i LOVE the national, but that scene with the plane sinking and buck calling out bobby's name before that rescuer from the helicopter pulled up both bobby and the mother, while 'heavenface' played in the background.. i can honestly still see that moment if i close my eyes, and idk if it's because of how they constructed it, but it just stayed with me and i think it's very memorable

and talking about heartbreaking scenes that i absolutely love (because im a masochist apparently..), the other reason why i really like this episode is that final scene with bobby relapsing and then breaking down in front of hen and buck. i know it's incredibly sad, and i know we had a 'family scene' the episode before with chimney at the hospital, but as someone who struggles with mental health and knows how hard it can be to ask for help, it was just.. nice to see hen and buck being there for bobby, and for bobby to trust them enough to actually be vulnerable with them. also peter krause was fucking incredible in this episode like hands down just an amazing performance

the only downside of this episode is that there's no chimney but i guess it's FINE (it's not fine but i will deal with it).......... anyway sorry for how long this is ;;;;;;;;;;; and you guys should definitely tell me what's your favorite episode too!!!