#because my health issues were totally untreated at the time

[tj-crochets]

Hey y'all! Thank you so much for recommending scratch for the kidlet I used to babysit who wants to learn to code. He's started playing with it and he loves it! Do you have any recommendations for any supplemental materials I could give him? Like books or guides or something?

[indynerdgirl]

So I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes back in January. With the support of my wonderful & amazing doctor, my family & friends, and the help of a dietician who specializes in diabetes I drastically changed my eating habits and learned how to manage my blood sugar. Just with those changes alone I've been slowly losing weight all year.

Last night I had a moment in a dressing room that I thought would never happen - I zipped up a pair of size 22 jeans and they fit perfectly fine.

I was wearing a 26 in January.

I started wearing a 24 in August.

I haven't worn a 22 since high school.

I sat down on the little bench in the dressing room in total shock and almost burst into tears. Both in joy at this accomplishment and in sadness & frustration at myself, wondering how much sooner I could have reached this milestone if I had started this journey 10 years earlier.

I've been plus-size my entire life and (with the best of intentions of my mother & grandmother) have been on almost every fad diet since 5th grade. It wasn't until my mid 20s that I learned that both the weight gain and difficulty in losing weight were due to an underlying health reason - polycystic ovary syndrome or PCOS.

[the rest of my story is under the cut because this post ended up way longer than I had anticipated]

TL;DR - I'm 35 and I've been working on my health this past year and while I'm so happy to celebrate my successes, I wish I had started this journey sooner. Please don't do what I did and ignore symptoms for years. And if you have a young girl in your life that has irregular periods, get her checked for PCOS. Because if I had been given that diagnosis & started treatment decades earlier (and no, being given birth control is NOT a treatment for PCOS - it's lazy medical treatment at best and malpractice at worst) I know my life would be different right now because the majority of my life has been dictated by my size.

I'd had irregular periods my entire life but for some reason, none of my childhood doctors or even my mother ever thought to check for it. I was checked for thyroid issues and vitamin deficiencies but for some reason, PCOS was never brought up (not that I would have known to ask about it as a child). But one day I was having a physical done by a new doctor (not my current doctor) and when I mentioned my irregular periods she started asking me more questions about them and after looking at the rest of my medical history decided to have me checked for PCOS. And low and behold I had it.

I can't tell you the relief I felt finding out there was an actual medical reason for why I had struggled with my weight my entire life. Because up until that moment I'd always been made to feel like it was all my fault that I was fat. If I just ate better or stuck to a strict diet or exercised more (I can't even begin to describe the embarrassment and humiliation of being forced to go to exercise classes with your mother when you're 12yr old and you're the only kid in a class full of adults). It was never ever directly said to me, but it was obvious in the way things were said and the way people acted around me.

The doctor also explained to me that I was pre-diabetic as PCOS can cause diabetes if left untreated (this will be important to remember in just a minute). So we started working on getting my hormones back on track and I was told to try to cut back on my sugar intake. Unfortunately not too long afterward, the job I had at the time decided to switch our health insurance provider. Suddenly my doctor was out of network and continuing to see her was becoming very expensive for me as I wasn't making a whole lot at the time (I was working at a childcare center). Add in the fact that she was on the opposite side of town from me and that it was almost impossible to get time off work for appointments, I just kind of stopped seeing her.

The next part of my story is where I wish I could go back in time and shake some sense into my younger self. Because did I try to find a new doctor that my insurance would pay for? Nope. Did I at least try to cut back on my sugar and eat a little better? Also, no. For the next almost ten years, despite knowing I had PCOS and knowing I was pre-diabetic, I didn't change my eating habits at all. Every once in a while I'd get on a "health" kick and go for walks at the park and try to eat more whole wheat bread than white bread, but those never lasted long. I wasn't in the best space mentally either so there was also a lot of emotional eating as well. I figured as long as I never had to go up another pant size I was doing all right just "maintaining". If I got sick and needed to see a doctor, I just went to one of those minute clinic things at Walgreens. Yeah, mid & late 20s me was an idiot.

Fast forward to a few years ago when it started being pretty obvious that I had crossed the line from pre-diabetic to actually diabetic. I had all the classic signs and symptoms yet I was still being an idiot and ignoring my health. Unfortunately, I've always had a horrible bad habit of thinking if I just ignore whatever issues or problems I'm currently having that they'll just go away. Yeah, I know. I finally get to the point where I know I can't ignore my health anymore and January of 2020 I make it my New Year's goal to start getting myself back on track. By the time I worked up the courage to call and set up an appointment with my old doctor (I had a new job by then with better insurance that included her again) two things happened: March of 2020 and the building her practice was in was destroyed in a fire.

So I told myself I'd just "wait until this whole covid thing was over" before trying to set up an appointment again. And we all know how the rest of 2020 went. Now it's December of 2021 and I still haven't made an appointment with my old doctor. But I was at an eye doctor appointment that I'd also been putting off for years despite knowing it was time for a new prescription. After checking my eyes, the eye doctor tells me that I need to see my doctor as soon as possible because he saw signs of diabetic retinopathy in my eyes. And as someone who's always had poor eyesight and one of their greatest fears is going blind, THAT was the kick in the pants I needed to finally see a doctor.

I ended up having a heart-to-heart with my mom about my health (something I would always avoid talking about with her) and admitting that I really didn't want to go back to my old doctor because I never really felt a good connection with her but I was willing to deal with that issue since she was also a practicing Catholic and it's hard to find not only a good doctor but a Catholic one as well (I know there are plenty of good doctors out there who aren't Catholic, but as a practicing Catholic, it does make things so much easier when your doctor also follows Church teachings when it comes to health & medical issues). My mom then suggested I set up an appointment with her new doctor who is not only a general MD, but also specialized in treating PCOS and also just happened to be Catholic as well.

So I set up an appointment with Dr. Holly for after the New Year and the rest, as they say, is history. She's just a few years older than me and I have never in my life been so at ease with a doctor. She and I hit it off right away and when I explained everything to her she didn't make me feel bad for waiting for so long to do anything like I was afraid she would. Instead, she listened to all of my concerns, validated them, and then right there came up with a plan of attack listing out all of the health issues we needed to tackle right away (getting the diabetes under control & start treating the PCOS) and what health issues weren't immediately pressing (some small patches of eczema & trying out meds for my ADHD again).

It also helps that she's diabetic as well so she knows exactly what I'm going through and have to deal with on a day to day basis. With her help and support (plus the advice from the dietician she recommend to me), I brought down my A1C from a staggering 12.7% to a much better 7.2% at my last appointment with her and, of course, have been slowly and steadily losing weight.

I decided early on that I wasn't going to obsess over the numbers on the scale, instead mostly tracking my progress by how my clothes are fitting. Since January I'm down not only two pant sizes but also a shirt size! I'm able to comfortably wear again all of the 2XL shirts I own and I've gone to a few events where I was able to buy a shirt as a souvenir because I didn't have to worry if they had a 3XL because I knew would be able to fit in a 2XL.

I still have a lot of work to do (I really do need to start actually exercising) but I am so happy with what progress I've made so far already. If you had told me last year that I'd be wearing a size 22 pair of jeans, I would have laughed in your face. I still can't believe it sometimes, but then I look at pictures of myself from last year compared to this year and the differences are kind of shocking. And that's been another little victory for me - actually not hating how I look in photos. I've taken more photos of myself/allowed myself to be in more photos this year than in at least the last five years if not more.

I never know how to end posts like this, so if you've actually read this far down, thanks. 💙

[pinerany]

Kc pet project zona rosa

#Kc pet project zona rosa full

#Kc pet project zona rosa full

If this is not the case, then no matter how big your shelter is, at some point it will end up full and there will be no room to put the incoming animals. Now, obviously, there are exceptions for animals that do need to be euthanized because they are too aggressive, or due to untreatable health issues, but the bottom line is, that the number of animals going out safely has to be equal to the number that come in. Number of animals leaving the shelter safely = the number that come in When running an open admission, no kill shelter, the very first formula you must understand is simple: As important as these concepts are to shelters, they are equally important to rescues, and fosters, if they are intent on helping the shelter in their community become no kill as well. Now, when I talk about "no kill" it is the traditionally understood idea of shelters saving 90-95% of the animals in their care - which allows for the euthanasia (in the true sense of the word) for very sick/dying animals and animals that are too aggressive to be adopted into homes -however, doesn't allow for shelters to hide behind the word "adoptable".Įven with this concept, the words no kill often cause misguided haters of the idea to one of two notions: either that it is "impossible" in an open admission shelter, or that it leads 'hoarding' of animals in the shelter.Įssentially, there are two math concepts that I think are essential for a shelter to understand if they want to maximize life-saving efforts and achieve a 90%+ live release rate as an open-admission. The idea of "no kill" continues to be a misunderstood idea, and a somewhat divisive one. Our video filmed at the shelter after the event made Inside Edition. Update: It's also important to note that media also loves a good celebration. Do great things and then tell people about the great things that are being accomplished and how they can be a part of it. People don't want to be told how great you are. Don't confuse celebrating success with telling people how great you are. But over time, as we've had opportunities to celebrate success, we've given them more and more reason to believe in our success and d be a part of it. I really think many people expected us to fail. When we first took over the operations of the shelter in 2012 we were a brand new organization, with no track record - that was taking over a shelter with a history of under-performance. This was particularly important for Kansas City Pet Project. You need the support of your community - so give them a reason to care and be involved. So celebrating success allows those in your community a chance to see your accomplishments, and hopefully gives them a desire to be a part of it. And people want to adopt from successful, caring and compassionate organizations. People want to be a part of successful organizations. Not only does celebrating give our staff and volunteers an opportunity to reflect on everything they are accomplishing, but it also gives our adopters and our community an opportunity to celebrate with us, and to be a part of our accomplishments. Over the past 5 years I think the KCPP team has done an amazing job of celebrating our success - and I believe it's important. One of those keys is "Celebrating Success". Next month, I am getting the opportunity to present the KC Pet Project story at the American Pets Alive Conference in Austin (tickets are still available, so check out the link to join us!).ĭuring my presentation, I highlight 10 keys to our success. It was an amazing three days, and the event allowed nearly every available pet in our shelter to find a home.Įxcited, exhausted and happy with a deserved sense of accomplishment, the KC Pet Project staff and volunteers climbed into empty kennels to celebrate the very successful weekend. In total, 834 pets were adopted from the three shelters, 281 of them from KC Pet Project. Over the past weekend, KC Pet Project partnered with two other area shelters, Wayside Waifs and Great Plains SPCA, for a metro-wide adoption event. We Are a No Kill Nation - Compassionate Communities.My blog on what is going on in Kansas City Politics. Save Shelter Pets | Advocating to save the lives of shelter pets, in Miami & beyond.Pit Bull Chat Forum: Pit Bull Forums for Information and Discussion.PawPrints the Magazine - All Sorts of Stuff About All Kinds of Pets.No-Kill Tallahassee | Working to improve the Tallahassee-Leon Community Animal Services Center.

[ms-demeanor]

While I love the theory of the depression post, the cause of my depression is my own ugliness and inadequacy. And alas no amount of small external things ever distract me from having to see myself be myself, feel myself, every moment. It just shows other things are better than me, once again.

Okay but what if your brain is lying to you about that.

Did someone sit with you and examine your life and all your actions at some point saying “yep, anon is totally inadequate, doesn’t measure up to standards 21-a through 47-m of being a person, that’s where the depression is coming from” or is that a thing that your brain has told you?

Because depression brain lies.

You exist. You’re a person with a presence in the world. That is adequate. You are reaching out and making contact with people. That is adequate.

Depression brain likes to tell us that we’re failures, that we haven’t ticked the right boxes or finished all the projects that we meant to, or that we’ve let down all our friends and family and are failures, irredeemable, intolerable, inadequate failures.

But. Like. Your brain is an asshole and its checklist of what you have to do to be “adequate” is completely impossible and you can never measure up to it so. Don’t? You really don’t have to? Just being here and existing as a person in the world is a good enough reason to want to exist without pain and misery.

It’s impossible to fail enough as a person that you DESERVE to feel this way, so it’s okay to take steps to feel better, even if they seem stupid and silly and like they won’t work because your depression is just a PART of you and you’ll NEVER FEEL BETTER and you SHOULD feel like this because you’re a BAD PERSON. (All of those all caps words are lies that depression brain tells a lot of us. They’re not true for me, I’m guessing they’re not true for you either because I honestly and legitimately believe that they’re not true for any human beings and unless you’re about to tell me some really cool facts about the universe then you’re a human being and you don’t deserve to feel like this, couldn’t do anything to deserve to feel like this)

Now, let’s talk about ugliness.

Physical appearances are totally immaterial and have no bearing on your worth or value as a person and if people treat you badly for being physically ugly those people fucking suck and you don’t have to pay attention to them. They and their shitty opinions are not your problem.

BUT if you’re talking about emotional/mental ugliness, well, that’s a thing that depressed people often deal with.

We’ve got a lot of ugly thoughts, sometimes we think cruel things about others as well as ourselves. Sometimes we end up being unpleasant to be around; sometimes we even end up manipulating other people and that’s certainly not a good thing.

But there’s a difference between having ugly thoughts and ugly emotions and being a bad, cruel, or unpleasant person.

It’s okay to think ugly things. You’re probably never going to stop doing that and without a lot of practice you’re going to reach for ugly reactions as the first response to anything that upsets you.

This is an excellent reason to learn to recognize and articulate your feelings and to take responsibility for how they impact other people.

Because here’s the thing, being a “bad person” internally doesn’t really matter (I mean, it matters in the long-term context of your ongoing mental health but that is a problem for someone who is not in deep crisis mode to grapple with) so long as it doesn’t impact other people.

But, okay, let’s say you’re right and your depression is caused by the fact that you’re an inadequate, ugly person.

Over time writing down good things that you enjoy will STILL prevent you from dropping into depressive spirals and will still provide evidence that you’re capable of experiencing positive emotions.

Even if there’s a “legitimate” reason for your depression there’s no reason to make it worse and it’s not cheating on the universe if you take steps to alleviate the symptoms.

Also, tip for people who have issues with feeling inadequate:

Don’t just write down things that make you feel good, write down when YOU do a good thing.

Were you there for a friend? Did you help your sibling with homework? Did you offer to pick up groceries for your neighbor? Did you volunteer for the Trevor Project? Did you finish writing a paper? Did you update a fanwiki?

WRITE IT DOWN WHEN YOU MAKE AN IMPACT ON THE WORLD. Write it down when you do something that makes someone else’s day easier, write it down when you finish a project, write it down when you do favors for people.

You don’t have to, like, go out and BRAG about these things, but when your depression brain is saying “hey you’re a shithead who has never finished anything and never helped anyone” then you can go “bullSHIT I helped that guy who needed a jump last week, and two weeks ago I finished my midterms.”

I have complicated feelings about this because I think the definition of “worth” our society imposes on people is harmful - “You are worth more than your productivity” is genuinely the most helpful thing that anyone has ever said to me and was actually life-changing - but there’s still value in being able to point to the world and go “I did that and it mattered” and, yeah. That song you wrote mattered. Picking up your mom’s medicine from the pharmacy mattered. Giving cash to someone who needed it mattered. You have value in the world and it’s okay to write down the valuable things to do to use them as evidence in the bullshit show trial your brain is setting you up to fail.

Also.

So what if things are better than you.

There are worse things than you too.

Write a list of the things that you are better than.

“I am better than every single employee of ICE.”

“I am better than that girl who built a career off of carrying a gun at Kent State.”

“I am better than literal dogshit and even literal dogshit is an important part of the local ecosystem so at least I’ve got that going for me.”

Like, yeah, I am *NOWHERE NEAR AS GOOD* as evidence that the moon is wet, but I’m better than cities that fund school resource officers.

ALSO ALSO

This specific type of negative thinking, the “your advice about depression is very good but it doesn’t apply to me because I’m a special category of unrecoverable awfulness” is a very, very common symptom of untreated, unmanaged depression. It is similar to the “your advice about depression is very good but doesn’t apply to me specifically because I have [x] barrier that prevents me from writing a journal of positive thoughts” negativity.

We’re all unique and special buds, but you ain’t special in that way.

Pick up a blank piece of paper and write about a meme you liked. Do the same thing tomorrow. Do the same thing the day after that. Do the same thing forever.

For some people it doesn’t get better, but you do get better at managing it.

Good luck, buds.

[fefipranon]

Let’s talk about depression

In my latest book ‘The Power of Death’ I talk about this topic in depth. I will post the links to it at the end of this post if you are interested in reading it. If there is one part of the book that resumes the message that I wanted to transmit, it’s Mikasa’s (The main character) press conference at the end of the last chapter. 

It’s okay if you don’t read the whole book, but at least, read the following extract from the book (some stuff removed to avoid spoilers): 

Standing behind the podium Mikasa started the conference by saying, 

"Paradis island doesn't have studies about the topic we are about to discuss, but other countries do. In the United States, in 2019, a total of 47,511 Americans died by suicide and an estimated 1.38 million attempted it. [2] What about other countries? you may ask, well, overall, suicide was in the top 10 leading causes of death across Eastern Europe, Central Europe, high-income countries within the Asia Pacific, and Australasia. Within regions and countries, though, suicide rates soared among people with lower social and economic status. [3] This data comes from research made by the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation in Washington, Seattle. [4] This goes without mentioning that for every suicide, it is estimated that there are seven to ten people intimately affected."[8]

Mikasa stopped to take a sip of water and looked back at the audience to continue her speech, 

"Untreated depression can, and possibly will lead to suicide, death. In biology, homeostasis is the state of steady internal, physical, and chemical conditions maintained by living systems. [5] Depression does have an impact on this. Research shows that the hippocampus is smaller in some depressed people. For example, in one fMRI study published in The Journal of Neuroscience, investigators studied 24 women who had a history of depression. On average, the hippocampus was 9% to 13% smaller in depressed women compared with those who were not depressed. The more bouts of depression a woman had, the smaller the hippocampus. [6] The hippocampus is not the only area of the brain affected by depression, the Amygdala, and Thalamus are also affected.[6] Depression is, and should be treated as, an illness that, if left untreated, can be lethal. Just remember the statistics I gave you about suicide at the beginning of my speech. With that data as the base of my argument, it is safe for me to say that depression is one of the top life-threatening illnesses having, in some countries, the top mortality rate overall."

A woman from the public raised her hand and when allowed to talk she said, 

"How can you call an illness to something that can be 'cured' by just talking to a so-called doctor about your issues?" 

Mikasa gave the woman a serious look and said, "Therapy, is not just talking. Psychotherapy stands over years of research and development going as back as the 19th century. There is extensive evidence of its effectiveness. Also, most cases of depression treatments include medication." 

Then a man shouted, "So now doctors will give our kids a bunch of pills just because the child is feeling a little sad?!"

"Several tests are usually performed before a psychiatrist gives a diagnosis of depression. Tests like: physical exams, lab tests, psychiatric evaluation, and the country's manual of mental health like for example the DSM-5 which is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders from the American Psychiatric Association, is applied. After that, the psychiatrist might do more testing to see if medication is an option. Because they are physicians, psychiatrists can order or perform a full range of medical laboratory and psychological tests which, combined with discussions with patients, help provide a picture of a patient's physical and mental state. Their education and clinical training equip them to understand the complex relationship between emotional and other medical illnesses and the relationships with genetics and family history, to evaluate medical and psychological data, to make a diagnosis, and to work with patients to develop treatment plans.[7] In other words, for a doctor to prescribe medication to your child, it has to first do an extensive evaluation on the kid before even start to consider medication in the first place. If in the end, medication is needed, then it would mean that your kid is not only 'feeling a little sad', it means that there is a deeper problem that needs to be addressed and the physician will have a lot of evidence to back up his claim.", Mikasa said. 

She stopped talking and pinched the bridge of her nose out of frustration, then she looked seriously at the same man she was addressing before, and said, "Would you rather lose your child to suicide or seek valid, scientific-based help to save the kid's life?"

The man was frozen in place. He was not expecting to be put in the spotlight this way. Mikasa noticed the teenage kid who was seated next to him with his head bowed to the floor. Before he could answer Mikasa said, 

"Do you even know how depression feels like? To have your own mind to conspire against you? To illogically feel worthless, alone, like nobody can understand you, or at least, nobody that hasn't been through the same darkness as you. Do you know how it feels when people tell you worthless crap like, 'get over it', or 'just stop being sad' like being sad is just an option you chose because apparently, you like to torture yourself? Have you ever contemplated to end your life out of desperation to get an out, a break, from your own mind?"

By this point, the kid was looking straight at Mikasa with tears pouring down his eyes. Mikasa knew she was getting through him. She grabbed the microphone and started to walk while resuming her speech, 

"To feel like you are constantly drowning. To feel like an ungrateful ass because logically, you should be happy because you have everything. But you aren't... Thinking that there must be something really wrong with you for you to feel this way without an apparent reason. To feel lost, alone with this feeling that is eating you inside slowly until it gets to the point where you desperately want to rip your soul out of your body. When it gets so bad that causing physical pain to your body is an option since, at least, for a brief moment, your mind focuses on the physical pain which is better for you because the emotional pain is so much greater than a little cut on your forearm."

The man realized that she was no longer addressing him but the person seated next to him, his own son. Mikasa stood right in front of his son and looked at him in the eyes. She lowered the microphone and while brushing her fingers through the kid's scars on his forearm she said to him, 

"You are not alone."

Then, she showed him her own scars and the kid stood up pulling her in for a hug while repeatedly saying, "Thank you"

Reporters were recording the whole encounter. It was real. Depression was real, and it was being recorded. The father of the kid sat back down while looking at his son in shock. Trying to find the words to say he just pulled him in for a hug while saying, 

"I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"You never really asked.", the boy replied. 

"I'm sorry. I will do better. You deserve better.", his dad replied with a broken voice. 

Mikasa lifted the microphone again to talk and said, "Depression is a silent killer. It could be your child, partner, parent... it could be closer to you than what you think. So before you speak about the topic remember that. Your words could be hurting one of your own for your lack of empathy."

She walked towards the podium again to start answering reporter's questions,

 "What would you say to someone who is going through this?"

Mikasa lowered her head lost in thought and said, "You don't need to have a traumatic event in your life to have depression. Depression is not just sadness and is not only caused by personality type or environmental factors. Genetics and biochemistry are also a big part of it, and those two have nothing to do with how much crap you've been dealt in life. What I am trying to say it's that, it's okay to not be okay, you don't need a reason to, and you don't need to feel worse about it for not having a reason. Being sad is not a right you earn after a certain amount of societally accepted shit has happened to you. Just seek help, see the situation logically, and not let people bring you down. If possible, educate others on the topic. Be the change you want to see in the world."

She paused, thinking of her own struggles with depression, and the stability and peace she finally felt once the pills started to work on her. Sure, dark thoughts still lingered at the back of her head, but, it was no longer unbearable, now, it was manageable. With time and therapy, she had managed to live with it, minimizing their negative effect on her. With this in mind, she said,

"Do not get frustrated if anti-depressants don't work at first, sometimes it takes a couple of tries with different types of medications to get the one that works for you. Researchers are exploring possible links between the sluggish production of new neurons in the hippocampus and low moods. An interesting fact about antidepressants supports this theory. These medications immediately boost the concentration of chemical messengers in the brain (neurotransmitters). Yet people typically don't begin to feel better for several weeks or longer. Experts have long wondered why, if depression were primarily the result of low levels of neurotransmitters, people don't feel better as soon as levels of neurotransmitters increase. The answer may be that mood only improves as nerves grow and form new connections, a process that takes weeks." [6]

She paused and looked at the crowd. Then, she said, 

"In the meantime, stay alive, even if it feels against your will. Do not give a permanent solution to a temporary problem, because trust me, it DOES get better."

Stay Alive

Feel free to share this to raise awareness. This book has all the things I wish someone had told me in my darkest moments, and I hope, it can help someone out there who is going through the same painful path in life. Remember, it's not your fault, you are not alone.

Resources used in this part: 

[1]  Oswego City School District Regents Exam Prep Center. Archived from on 25 October 2012. Retrieved 12 November 2012. URL: homeostasis

[2] American Foundation for Suicide Prevention: suicide-statistics

[3] global-suicide-rates-study

[4] Global, regional, and national burden of suicide mortality 1990 to 2016: a systematic analysis for the Global Burden of Disease Study 2016: content

[5]  Gordon., Betts, J. Anatomy and physiology. DeSaix, Peter., Johnson, Eddie., Johnson, Jody E., Korol, Oksana., Kruse, Dean H., Poe, Brandon. Houston, Texas. p. 9. ISBN 9781947172043. OCLC 1001472383.

[6] What causes depression? Harvard Medical School: what-causes-depression

[7] What Is Psychiatry? from the American Psychiatric Association. URL: what-is-psychiatry

[8] Lukas, Christopher; Henry M. Seiden (1997) [1987]. Silent Grief: Living in the Wake of Suicide. Northvale, New Jersey: Jaron Aronson. p. 5. ISBN 0-7657-0056-5.

Book Summary: 

Mikasa is a woman suffering from clinical depression. There is one thing that she is sure of: she wants to die. But when she received some unexpected news that makes her death wish a reality, she starts to wonder if that was really what she wanted. She starts a journey to discover the truth about her biological parents that gave her up for adoption when she was a baby. This journey will guide her to cross paths with someone as broken as her, someone that hates her to death for what her biological family did to him. Will she have the courage to, for once, fight to live? or will she let him drag her to hell with him?

The book is tagged as an ‘Attack on Titan’ Alternate universe fanfic but honestly you don’t need to know anything about the anime to read it. The story has nothing to do with it so feel free to read if you haven’t seen it. 

You can find the story in the following links: 

Archive of our own:

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30452145/chapters/75087657

Wattpad:

https://www.wattpad.com/story/264598251-the-power-of-death

[bemusedlybespectacled]

Im confused....seeking therapy could prevent u from being barred but whatever the trump operatives are doing isn't egregious enough for immediate disbarment?? Is there no industry push for reform? Is it like in the medical field where like the circumstances around most residency programs would be highly illegal in any other context but because they're students they have like no rights

So this is actually a Hot Button Issue Of The Legal Profession but it’s a nuanced problem with a lot of reasons for why it is but basically:

It is easier to ban prevent from becoming lawyers than it is to strip them of their licenses after they’re lawyers.

This is ESPECIALLY true when it comes to WHY you are stripping them of their licenses: basically, you’ll almost always face sanctions if you hurt a client, but not if you’re advocating for your client in a stupid way. 

This is why Powell, Giuliani, et. al. are likely not going to get disbarred, except possibly Lin Wood: they’re being stupid, and they’re being unethical, but weirdly not in a way that hurts their client.

The standardized regulation of the legal profession is a relatively recent idea (like 70s-ish), not universal across all states/bars, and is not regularly updated to match changing mores.

GENERALLY what the bar is concerned about is if your untreated mental illness will lead to you hurting a client. And I don’t mean physically, necessarily: the standard example we were given was having a manic episode, taking all the money from the client bank account, going to Vegas, and gambling it away. So going to therapy/being on meds isn’t, IN THEORY, a bad thing, because it means you’re at least trying to not hurt your client. 

IN PRACTICE what it means is that you’ve got a bunch of old white guys wondering if maybe you’re not fit to practice because HOW DO WE KNOW YOU WON’T DECIDE YOUR CLIENT IS AN ALIEN AND TRY TO MURDER THEM?? HUH???

There is totally industry push for reform, particularly when it comes to mental health, but there’s also an industry push for more lawyer accountability because we’re already stereotyped as greedy, immoral assholes with no sense of ethics and every new scandal enforces that stereotype. So on the one hand we WANT to keep out people who would just make lawyers as a whole look bad, but ALSO we don’t want to do so unfairly.

What ends up happening is that lawyers create their own anonymous self-help networks (pretty much every state has a secret group called “Lawyers Helping Lawyers” or similar that provides anonymous services for substance abuse and mental health) so that there’s no record of them needing services, and just keep our mouths shut about colleagues who exhibit problem behaviors like binge drinking.

Now, I realize that the probable Tumblr™ response might be something along the lines of “why does ANYONE’s mental health state matter at all when it comes to practicing law?” Which, fair question. I do think that there’s a hugely unfair stigma against mental illness in law, particularly against “““scarier””” mental illnesses like bipolar disorder or schizophrenia as compared to more “mundane” ones like anxiety. This is true not only in our treatment of mentally-ill lawyers but also mentally-ill clients.

But like, I don’t want to go entirely in the direction of “mental illness has NO bearing on your fitness to practice law WHATSOEVER!” because like, there are times when it can! I personally know a lawyer who has some kind of serious disease (my best guess is early-onset dementia but nothing’s been confirmed) who, because of this disease, has been unable to effectively represent clients for well over a year if not longer. There are times when some issue might prevent you from being a good lawyer to your clients and there should be a mechanism in place for that, but I don’t know what the line is or how we can regulate that better.

tl;dr: there are Valid and Legitimate Reasons why it is the way it is but it’s still shitty and I don’t really have a solution to it.

BTW at one point I need to tell the HILARIOUS story about how a guy from my law school ended up not becoming a lawyer because of C&F disapproving of Nazis.

[autumn-foxfire]

What Im thinking about today: BNHA n stigmatization of psychology.

The thing is, we as humans are very ready to help each other (most of the time). Thats why we try to rehabilitate prisoners, thats why we volunteer, thats why proffesions such as doctors, social workers and psychologists etc exist. I think we talked here before how most villains in the series havent been failed by heroes, they've been failed by societal safety nets that were meant to catch ppl like them, just like social workers try to catch endangered kids and psychologists try to catch people with mental problems.

Now i study psychology so ill concentrate on that. Obviously it depends from place to place but mental care is still very often looked down upon as 'something for crazy people.' I have personal expirience with that as when i suggested to my dad that maybe he should look into a psychologist too (after my brother started going to one) cuz he has some issues that he could use a hand dealing with, his response was 'what? But im not crazy'. I study psychology and he still often makes jokes about me treating crazy people in the future. I interviewd a school psychologist for a class and she told us that one of the first things she has to do in a school is get students to relax and feel comfortable coming to her with problems cuz there is a very clear stigma in everyones mind that asking for help with your mental problems is something bad, something wrong, something that means you are crazy, wierd, other and people do fear that stigmatization. Going to a psychologist doesnt mean you are crazy, it means you are having problems that you cant deal with on your own and that you need proffesional help with. Nothing more, nothing less. Those problems can be depression or they can be helping you to deal with lingering emotions from your divorce. Big or small, psychology is simply there to give you support and tools you need to feel good again. You wouldnt stigmatize someone for going to the doctor for a soar throat or cancer so you shouldnt stigmatize someone seeking p much the same help for mental illness.

But people still do because things ingrained in society are very very hard to uproot and things are going for the better with every generation but its a painfully slow process and there is no telling how many people fall through that net because they dont seek help when they still can because they think 'im not crazy im not gonna go to those mumbo junbo psychologist that mess with your head' which is very much like going 'im not gonna go to a doctor for my infected wound, they would mess with my body'. Untreated infections spread and get worse and people fall through.

This is what leads me back to bnha. We dont know exactly how long the world of quirks existed, i think i saw a post breaking it down to be for about 100-300 years but for the life of me i cant remember. We know its not terribly long. 100 years may seem long until you remember a single human can live to 100 years old. Now my question is, if a science such as psychology that has been present since like ancient greeks n egypt n stuff can still be stigmatized.

How accepted would quirk counseling be?

Lets not forget that quirks were heavily discriminated against in the begining, treated as monsterous and the other and the acceptence of them is still something fresh and more extreme mutations still face hate groups. Like its completly canon that there are people alive now in bnha whos parents or grandparents faced discrimination or died because of quirk discrimination (cough redestro cough).

Imagine being Togas parents.

Your child displays a quirk like that. You still have in memory your parent or grandparent who was discriminated and monsterized because of a similar quirk. Quirk counceling exists but why should you take your daughter there. Shes not a monster, this isnt something you should get someone else involved with, its a family matter and what do those counselors know anyway, they will treat your daughter as a monster and make everything worse. You can handle this yourself, you can teach her to supress it. Shes not a monster.

The wound festers.

This especially goes hard for japan whos big on the keeping things in the family aspect and not discracing the family. The stigma is still fresh in the memory and you dont want to be that family whos kid goes to quirk counseling. You shut the doors, you shut the windows, you deal with it within the family.

I think that while quirk counseling exists in bnha, it would most likely be seen as something thats shameful to atend, a admitance that you dont have control over your own quirk. Your friends might say 'what the fuck man why are you going there, you arent a monster' even if a quirk that has negative effects should be treated as shortsighted eyes that need glasses. Just because it doesnt function well, doesnt mean its bad. But well stigmatization of disabled is a whole nother thing our society also has problems with and that also connects to bnha (cough aoyama cough). I think thats why its so easy for people in bnha to fall through those safety nets. I do belive they exist but they are new, probably not the most super effective as most new things tend to be and are probably looked down upon.

And hate to break it to shiggy and the crew but thats the kind of a problem that can only be fixed my longterm education and normalization of asking for help rather then burning the systhem to the ground.

I hope that made sense i always get a little loopy with my points when i write a long one fgdgff

No, it makes sense.

Mental health is still stigmatized everywhere, even here in the UK where we’re supposed to have some of the best health care available (which is debatable). To bring something a little personal into this, my flatmates and I were playing a guessing game where I had to describe a word with other descriptions being taboo (in my case it was headache) and as my flatmates know I suffer from chronic headaches, I said as a clue that it was something I get often. Well, a flatmate who was a little tipsy at the time who knows about my depression shouted depression to my other shocked flatmates (I didn’t mind, in fact I found it hilarious). But after we had all calmed down, one of my flatmates said something that stuck with me: “Maybe you shouldn’t overshare things”.

Now, I don’t see telling people I have depression as something I’m oversharing. It’s not private, it’s a mental health condition I suffer from that can kill me if it goes unchecked (before starting medication again, I was very suicidal). In fact, it benefits both me and my flatmates to know that I have depression just in case. And yet it was viewed as something that I was “oversharing”.

This attitude has only arisen because people treat mental health as something that is shameful and should only be known among family members. In fact, I had no clue that DASS (a disability service in uni) was actually also for mental health issues because we’ve been raised with people treating mental health as something “in our heads” and so isn’t as important as physical disabilities, it was only until my uni pointed out that it was there for every condition, physical and mental.

The point I’m making is that I can totally see mental health in BNHA be treated as a shameful secret. Japan doesn’t have the best track record when it comes to mental health anyway (don’t they have some of the highest suicide rates?) so it wouldn’t surprise me if the BNHA universe is the same. In fact, the only mental health issues we’ve seen in BNHA currently are the extreme examples of it such as Twice and Dabi’s mania.

I would love to see Horikoshi delve a little more into quirk counselling and the potential stigma behind it. I know it’s been brought up once or twice (UA treats it as something normal but as teachers who see mental health issues all the time, it’s no wonder that they do) but not enough in my opinion when it’s probably one of the most important stop gaps between making villains.

I don’t have much hope, admittedly, but it would be something fun to explore in fanon too!

[pochapal]

rank every year of the 2010s from best to worst i want some pochapal lore

[warning for discussion of my fucked up mental health and my myriad traumas. we’re really opening the pandora’s box here gang]

ok time for me to overshare on the internet again! super long post because i can’t shut up and you asked for it. anyway, by objective ranking: 

#1: 2012 - halcyon era, my personal peak. spent the whole year writing hunger games oc fics with my deviantart fanfiction besties whom i still think about all the time and always hope are having the best possible day. if you were here for this era understand i still hold you so closely and dearly in my heart <3. 

#2: 2013 - god i was such a good example of a human being back then. was the year my writing like actually took off and i had a healthy balance between creative stuff and a social life (said social life consisting of spending lunchtimes at school breaking into classrooms and discussing fandom shit with five other people. reading homestuck updates in the music room on one person’s really shaky mobile data...legendary). highlight of the year and maybe my life was in the april of 2013 when i got out of failing to submit a hard deadline essay by telling my english teacher i wrote a whole novel over the two week break and then producing said novel. god i wish i had that level of like. fucking confidence back me back then knew what i wanted and how to get it. 

#3: 2010 - the last year of childhood. i was 12 and played pokemon all the time with my friends and went places and had a moderately successful youtube channel and it didn’t matter that i was bullied so badly at school because i was basically high off life. summer of 2010 was so good specifically. i’d used to get the bus with a friend and go see movies and break into historical sites and get into normal childhood mayhem and maxed out my pokewalkers twice a month and i was buzzed because i had two (2) whole friendship groups to choose from and that was such a huge deal to me the terminal social outcast. it was so simple and carefree and even though everything and everyone involved in this era grew up to suck except for one specific person i kinda really miss it.

#4: 2018 - this was the first year i wasn’t depressed to the point of nonfunctioning. it was 20gayteen, i was on antidepressants, i was as close to thriving as i got at uni (going into town with people once a week, attending art and culture events, getting good grades across the board), i started to write for fun again, i got my cat whom i love dearly, i was exhibited in my uni’s city’s literature festival, GOD i actually nearly attended a pride event that year can you imagine. this year was basically my life’s second peak. miss getting the 8am train and daintily sipping on a cherry coke to keep me from passing out. wish this time could have lasted longer.

#5: 2019 - kinda absolute middle of the road year not for lack of anything happening but because the overwhelming amount of good and bad things cancelled each other out. so like there’s the fact that i was at the top of my uni game this year, was basically making the first steps into a professional writing career (covid i will never forgive you for killing all that dead </3), finally saved up enough to buy myself a gaming pc, and the summer after the homestuck epilogues, but equally 2019 was the start of the Pochapal Gender Fiasco which is by far the most horrible thing i am still currently undergoing and i burnt myself out mentally about halfway through the year (being stuck overnight in a hospital for a panic attack absolutely horrible horrible irredeemable) and then got like super death plague flu that i was sick with for three months (literally recovered less than a month before rona hit. god’s cruel karma.). so like...it kind of averaged out? the good shit was good but not as great as other years and the bad shit was awful but nowhere near as terrible as it could have been. gotta give a shoutout to 90% of my current mutual cohort for following me in 2019...omelette route gang make some noise !!

#6: 2014 - oof. this year essentially marked the start of a four year long downward mental health spiral because everything fell into awful alignment. i’d just turned 16, finished secondary school, had all my friends up and ditch me at once, was home alone for a whole summer, and was hit with Sudden Intense Body Image Issues that i couldn’t explain until uh. after very recent developments lmao. this one goes out to the me of july 2014 who did nothing but lay in bed and listen to the same two marina albums on a loop because fuck i’m attracted to men and also my facial and body hair are really starting to come in and if i think about this for too long i will literally kill myself because oh god i can’t handle getting older which is clearly and definitely the issue going on here. my brain fucking broke super hardcore and it’s a miracle that an overeating disorder was like the worst thing i walked away with. 

#7: 2015 - downward spiral year two!! i was so volatile this year it was such a mess. i was totally socially isolated after a brief stint of falling in with a group of people at the start of my first year of sixth form until january where in quick succession a) it turned out every single one of these people was friends with the person who sexually assaulted me whom i obviously had a lot of complicated feelings towards and b) baby’s first crush came out as bisexual but in the “women and also trans women” kind of way which tore me up so terribly in ways i couldn’t begin to understand. no words for the experience of seeing a girl kiss a boy and crying so hard at night you threw up because you could never be her no matter how much you wanted it. actually kinda get the sense what was going on there was bigger than just some crush lmao. then after that i was so mentally ill i basically attended school less than half the time and it was the only year in my life i failed my exams. i ended up having to resit my entire set of first year a level exams because jesus christ was i in such a bad way it was a miracle i even showed up to them. all i did was either have anxiety attacks or enter bedbound depressive slumps for weeks at a time. but it’s okay because it gets worse.

#8: 2016 - downward spiral act iii: the spiralling. prefacing this by saying that i actually had two whole good months (april - may) in that i was functioning enough to do my exams and finish school with decent grades. the rest was super extra mega terrible. my school attendance for year 13 dipped below 65% and literally the only thing that kept me from being kicked out was the fact that i was naturally smart at the subjects i took and also because the school would have a lot to answer for after letting me get to that state despite having a hefty file on how damaged i was. keep in mind every single part of this was fully untreated btw - i was just floundering around and letting it all fester. i spent three solid weeks going to school but locking myself in the bathroom all day every day and having mental health episodes then going home like nothing else happened only to continue the breakdown that night. then things got kicked into fucked up overdrive when i moved out to uni and was cut off from what little support structures i did have. it was so bad all i did was cry all the time and never went anywhere to the point where three separate sources recommended me to the wellbeing and crisis counselling service that i stopped going to after two sessions because i was fucked up in ways cbt techniques could not even touch. at least i tried to make an effort for the first two months of uni which like. good for me?

#9: 2017 - what lieth at the base of the spiral. helltrench year. i was at literal rock bottom. i stopped going to class, i didn’t hand in a single piece of work. i lied to my parents and would book trains each day only to go back to my student flat and sit there and contemplate suicide. like i would just slump on the floor in a catatonic state and vividly contemplate one of four or so ways i could end my own life. i only didn’t because i wanted to wait until the summer to collect my last student loan and transfer it to my parents as an apology for my death which obviously didn’t end up happening. honestly i can’t remember much of the first half of 2017 that’s how bad it was. i remember taking a gender studies class and the teacher made it Weird that i was the Only Male Student in the room and then she sent me a scolding email after i walked out halfway through a class and never returned. apparently i got into a lot of online discourse in this year but i don’t remember anything other than being put on a blocklist by the milkfic author over ace discourse which is funny if you have the context. mostly i just baited terfs and weirdo freaks to get them to say horrible things to me as what i guess amounts to some kind of digital self harm. anyway breaking point came in late august when i got kicked out of university and then nobody could ignore it any more so there was no choice left but for me to seek out help and recover enough to function which luckily i did. i really Do Not remember 2017. you could tell me anything about that year and i’d probably believe you.

#10: 2011 - extra circle of hell for this little fucked up gem of a year. on the surface it wasn’t actually that terrible, until the Summer 2011 Domino Effect Of Bad Shit. up until like may/june it was a pretty all right year! i was 13 and had a surprisingly successful youtube channel uploading pokemon soundfont remixes to an audience of i think ~350-400 subscribers at my peak? anyway then i got hit with the early summer triple combo of childhood friends moving away, cute and quirky sexual assault at the hands of a person in my friend group, and then having some Really Great and Super Appropriate interactions with adults on deviantart. like obviously there’s the actual ptsd-inducing event which totally disrupted and killed the person i was right up until that moment and reshaped every facet of my life for better or worse (there’s an alternate timeline where that didn’t happen and i got into electronic music and/or coding instead) but really it’s the events that followed in its wake which were kind of more fucked up. so like all of a sudden i was super aware of my body and me growing my hair out and being mistaken for a girl in class suddenly became this Less Innocent thing and i ended up spending hours overnight going to transgender questioning forums and looking up hrt timeline videos and having the wikipedia article on tracheal shaving saved because it was a life raft to me whose voice was imminently gonna deepen and i was simultaneously reeling with constant trauma flashbacks and the whole thing was so so fucked up. then i was on deviantart and i don’t remember exactly how but a small group of furry guys ten to fifteen years older than me started messaging me and encouraging and requesting me to produce nonsexual fetish stuff for them and talking to me about stuff like if i’d ever thought about growing up to be gay and i didn’t think anything of it for a long while because they called me a very talented writer and it felt so good to have someone be nice to me after being so alone and isolated for months on end. anyway the only reason i got out of that before it got bad was because they invited me to one of the big furry sites and i was weirded out because i thought it was a porn site and thinking about sexual stuff was a huge trauma trigger so i just ended up blocking them all and pretending like it didn’t happen. at the time half this shit didn’t bother me but in retrospect holy fuck 2011 was such a damaging year. to think if like three events didn’t happen i wouldn’t be the fucked up mess you see before you today.

god fuck this turned out super long but i’m not apologising because this was a therapeutic exercise for me and also constitutes as one of the biggest pochapal lore dumps of all time. come get your food or whatever.

[anerdyfeminist]

Health related stuff to follow, don’t read if periods/surgery stuff is hard for you. But if this is something you’re cool reading...what I’m going to say in a LOT more words is that it’s really, really fucked up how hard it is to get help with menstruation/uterus related medical care that actually WORKS and/or to be listened to or respected about those issues.

I keep thinking about how so many things have happened with my health in the past year that I haven’t even had time to mentally or emotionally process it and by the time that I could get a moment to try..............boom, pandemic. I can’t remember how much I’ve written here about it generally...BUT trying to summarize quickly, after the bad car accident that fucked up my arm and I had surgery to fix it, the MRI scans they took at the ER that night opened a god damn Pandora’s box of shit in there I needed to take care of. I went from understanding myself as a person who has one mild chronic health issue to..........someone with four.

The biggest issue that was discovered was a wide spread and a really advanced case of endometriosis. My gyno surgically removed multiple endometriomas from both of my ovaries, the largest of which was bigger than a grapefruit. After I recovered from surgery, I started taking the only medication that specifically exists to inhibit more endometrial growth and manage the pain. (And it’s a pretty new drug at that.) My doctor didn’t really fully consider that one of its biggest side effects is depression and anxiety and as someone whose mental health has only rather recently gotten in a better place, after a couple of months on this new medication, I felt like how I felt before I started taking anti anxiety meds. That was suuuuuper untenable and I couldn’t stay on it.

So I had to go back to square one on how to keep my endo at bay. But this time in the story of “how the fuck to treat this raging case of endo” we’re now into late March and in the pandemic when I get to the point where my doctor explains that pretty much the only other option for me is to try an IUD. Hearing that pretty much made me almost breakdown crying in the appointment. (I held it together long enough to get home for that.)

I’ve always loved that IUDs exist for people who want them, bc I’m obvi all about access to the birth control anyone wants and I have lots of friends who LOVE theirs and extol their virtues. But literally ever since the moment I learned about then when I was like 17 I have been super averse to the concept for myself. I had long ago filed IUDs under “NOPE” in my brain. I’m just one of those folks who is grossed out by the idea of foreign material just existing inside my body. But after going through having already had a bunch of hardware in my arm and knowing how shitty it felt trying the endo meds, I said FUCK IT and took the plunge to get an IUD.

(Side note: seeking this type of medical care in the middle of the pandemic was super creepy dystopian and like being in a fucking episode of A Handmaid’s Tale because I was usually the only person there who was not VERY visibly pregnant because only totally “medically necessary” procedures were allowed, all the masks, plastic partitions, spacing of patients, etc., etc. Just weird.)

The IUD insertion itself was a nightmare if I’m really honest and the ultrasound they did at that point disappointedly revealed ANOTHER endometrioma already growing back that my doc wants to now keep an eye on........BUT the good news is that bad insertion experience aside, so far I’m feeling pretty good about using it. It’s been almost 3 months with it and the biggest revelation by far has been that the terrible, monster periods I had FOR YEARS just didn’t need to be what they were. In such a short span of time having much much much lighter ones, I’ve already begun to wonder what I was thinking just trying to suffer through that experience for so long.

If you’ve read my stuff here over the past few years, you’ll know that my period was the most raging heavy and intense.......I mean, I have a whole fucking tag for it. I had to go out of my way to find the largest capacity menstrual cup IN THE LITERAL WORLD and I would fill it a few times a day. You’d hear me say “oh hey, FYI your periods can get much heavier the older you get” which is true, mind you, but I had no idea that what I was experiencing was really really well beyond the bounds of what is “normal” and indicative of a bigger health issue. I told my doctor (who I don’t really fault, she has a lot of good qualities) about it and she thought it was just normal aging stuff. I didn’t advocate for myself as much as I should have and she didn’t listen to me well enough as she should have and the result is that for about 5 years I had untreated and undiagnosed endo that resulted in that grapefruit sized endometrioma and all her friends.

There were other signs too...my cramps had gotten incredibly horrific. Once the endometriomas were all removed, I realized they had been doing stuff like pressing on my bladder, making it hard to pee/empty it all the way and I couldn’t lay in bed in certain ways pain free. Getting this diagnosis was scary but it all started to make sense. And it’s still making sense the more I unravel my understanding of the past several years of my life. What I was going through was not normal, but it also wasn’t being taken seriously by anyone, perhaps most of all, by myself.

So yeah, I’m still processing this news and seeking to better understand that I didn’t have to feel like that for so long. I’ve got this tendency baked into me to assume and accept that “life is suffering” (thanks, dad) and that you must grin and bear it and just survive. I think that when it comes to issues that involve menstruation or uterine issues, that this message is even LOUDER because we are shamed into not speaking about these things publicly by society more widely. Their discussion is stigmatized, belittled, glossed over, filed under “ewwwww grossssss” etc.

But obviously, that’s not how it has to be................if I am hurting or uncomfortable I am WORTH the effort of trying to figure out why and see if I can fix it. And if that issue involves my period or uterus or ovaries SO BE IT. There’s nothing inherently gross or TMI about that. They are body parts and they get conditions. That’s life.

Anyway, I really enjoyed Padma Lakshmi’s interview by Terry Gross on Fresh Air this week and it influenced me wanting to write this. She talks about her own endo story and it really resonated with me. (She also had a terrible arm injury in her past. We’re basically twins LOLOLOL.) As I said, I’m still processing ALL of this. But if there’s one thing I know for sure, it is that having endometriosis sucks but knowing you have it is waaaaaaaaay better than not knowing.

[fullcirclehealthcareers12]

Health Care Reform - Why Are People So Worked Up?

For what reason are Americans so animated about medical services change? Proclamations, for example, "don't contact my Medicare" or "everybody ought to approach cutting edge medical care regardless of cost" are as I would see it clueless and instinctive reactions that show a helpless comprehension of our medical services framework's set of experiences, its current and future assets and the financing difficulties that America faces going ahead. While we as a whole can't help thinking about how the medical care framework has arrived at what some allude to as an emergency stage. We should attempt to remove a portion of the feeling from the discussion by momentarily analyzing how medical services in this nation arose and how that has shaped our reasoning and culture about medical services. With that as an establishment we should take a gander at the upsides and downsides of the Obama organization medical services change recommendations and how about we take a gander at the ideas set forth by the Republicans?

Admittance to best in class medical care administrations is something we would all be able to concur would be something beneficial for this country. Encountering a genuine sickness is one of life's significant difficulties and to confront it without the way to pay for it is decidedly startling. Yet, as we will see, when we know current realities, we will find that accomplishing this objective won't be simple without our individual commitment.

These are the subjects I will address to attempt to bode well out of what is befalling American medical care and the means we can by and by take to improve things.

A new history of American medical care - what has driven the expenses so high?

Key components of the Obama medical services plan

The Republican perspective on medical services - unregulated economy rivalry

General admittance to cutting edge medical care - a commendable objective however difficult to accomplish. Click here  Full Circle Health careers 

how would we be able to respond?

To begin with, we should get a little chronicled viewpoint on American medical care. This isn't proposed to be a depleted investigate that set of experiences yet it will give us an enthusiasm for how the medical care framework and our assumptions for it created. What drove costs increasingly elevated?

To start, how about we go to the American common war. In that war, dated strategies and the gore exacted by present day weapons of the period consolidated to cause shocking outcomes. Not by and large known is that the vast majority of the passings on the two sides of that war were not the consequence of genuine battle but rather to what exactly occurred after a combat zone wound was dispensed. In any case, departure of the injured moved at an agonizingly slow clip and this caused extreme deferrals in treating the injured. Besides, numerous injuries were exposed to wound consideration, related medical procedures and additionally removals of the influenced appendages and this regularly brought about the beginning of gigantic disease. So you may endure a fight twisted uniquely to kick the bucket because of clinical consideration suppliers who albeit good natured, their intercessions were regularly very deadly. High losses of life can likewise be attributed to ordinary disorders and sicknesses in when no anti-microbials existed. In all out something like 600,000 passings happened from all causes, more than 2% of the U.S. populace at that point!

How about we jump to the main portion of the twentieth century for some extra viewpoint and to bring us up to more present day times. After the common battle there were consistent enhancements in American medication in both the arrangement and treatment of specific infections, new careful strategies and in doctor schooling and preparing. However, generally all that that specialists could offer their patients was a "keep a watch out" approach. Medication could deal with bone breaks and progressively endeavor unsafe medical procedures (presently generally acted in clean careful conditions) yet drugs were not yet accessible to deal with genuine diseases. Most of passings stayed the consequence of untreatable conditions, for example, tuberculosis, pneumonia, red fever and measles or potentially related confusions. Specialists were progressively mindful of heart and vascular conditions, and malignant growth however they had practically nothing with which to treat these conditions.

This fundamental survey of American clinical history encourages us to comprehend that until as of late (around the 1950's) we had for all intents and purposes no advances with which to treat genuine or even minor illnesses. Here is a basic point we need to see; "nothing to treat you with implies that visits to the specialist if at all were consigned to crises so in such a situation costs are diminished. The basic certainty is that there was little for specialists to offer and subsequently practically nothing to drive medical services spending. A subsequent factor holding down expenses was that clinical medicines that were given were paid to using cash on hand, which means via a people individual assets. There was nothing of the sort as medical coverage and absolutely not health care coverage paid by a business. Aside from the extremely penniless who were fortunate to discover their way into a foundation emergency clinic, medical services costs were the obligation of the person.

What does medical care protection have to do with medical care costs? Its effect on medical care costs has been, and stays right up 'til the present time, totally tremendous. At the point when medical coverage for people and families arose as a methods for enterprises to get away from wage freezes and to draw in and hold workers after World War II, practically overnight an incredible pool of cash opened up to pay for medical services. Cash, because of the accessibility of billions of dollars from health care coverage pools, urged a creative America to build clinical exploration endeavors. More Americans got protected through private, boss supported health care coverage yet through expanded government subsidizing that made Medicare and Medicaid (1965). Likewise financing opened up for extended veterans medical care benefits. Finding a remedy for nearly anything has thusly gotten extremely rewarding. This is additionally the essential purpose behind the huge swath of medicines we have accessible today.

I don't wish to pass on that clinical advancements are something awful. Think about the huge number of lives that have been saved, expanded, improved and made more profitable subsequently. Be that as it may, with a subsidizing source developed to its present extent (many billions of dollars every year) upward tension on medical services costs are unavoidable. Specialist's offer and the vast majority of us interest and gain admittance to the most recent accessible medical services innovation as drugs, clinical gadgets, analytic devices and surgeries. So the outcome is that there is more medical services to spend our cash on and until as of late the majority of us were safeguarded and the expenses were to a great extent covered by an outsider (government, managers). Add an unquenchable and unreasonable public interest for access and treatment and we have the "wonderful tempest" for increasingly elevated medical care costs. Furthermore, all things considered the tempest is just heightening.

Now, we should go to the key inquiries that will lead us into a survey and ideally a superior comprehension of the medical care change proposition in the news today. Is the current direction of U.S. medical services spending economical? Would america be able to keep up its reality seriousness when 16%, heading for 20% of our gross public item is being spent on medical care? What are the other industrialized nations spending on medical care and is it really near these numbers? At the point when we add legislative issues and a political race year to the discussion, data to help us answer these inquiries become basic. We need to burn through some energy in understanding medical services and figuring out how we consider everything. Appropriately outfitted we can all the more wisely decide if certain medical services proposition may settle or deteriorate a portion of these issues. What should be possible about the difficulties? How could we as people add to the arrangements?

The Obama medical care plan is perplexing without a doubt - I have never seen a medical services plan that isn't. In any case, through an assortment of projects his arrangement endeavors to manage a) expanding the quantity of American that are covered by sufficient protection (just about 50 million are not), and b) overseeing costs in such a way that quality and our admittance to medical services isn't antagonistically influenced. Conservatives look to accomplish these equivalent essential and wide objectives, yet their methodology is proposed as being more market driven than government driven. We should take a gander at how the Obama plan deals with achieve the two targets above. Keep in mind, incidentally, that his arrangement was passed by congress, and starts to genuinely kick-in beginning in 2014. So this is the heading we are at present taking as we endeavor to change medical care.

Through protection trades and an extension of Medicaid,the Obama plan significantly extends the quantity of Americans that will be covered by health care coverage.

To take care of the expense of this development the arrangement expects everybody to have medical coverage with a punishment to be paid in the event that we don't agree. It will purportedly send cash to the states to cover those people added to state-based Medicaid programs.

To take care of the additional expenses there were various new charges presented, one being a 2.5% duty on new clinical innovations and another increments charges on revenue and profit pay for more affluent Americans.

The Obama plan likewise utilizes ideas, for example, proof based medication, responsible consideration associations, similar viability research and diminished repayment to medical services suppliers (specialists and clinics) to control costs.

The protection order covered by focuses 1 and 2 above is a commendable objective and most industrialized nations outside of the U.S. give "free" (paid for by rather high individual and corporate expenses) medical services to most if not the entirety of their residents. It is essential to note, in any case, that there are various limitations for which numerous Americans would be socially ill-equipped. Here is the essential disputable part of the Obama plan, the protection command. The U.S. High Court as of late chose to hear contentions with respect to the defendability of the medical coverage order because of an appeal by 26 states lawyer'

[ieatsurveys]

Survey by emptyspaces

Do you agree with the quote in the survey title?  ....the title “survey” for....a survey? Yeah.....

How many windows are on the front of your house? I live in an apartment.

What common problem have you never experienced? Not having access to shelter and/or food --> yep.

Alternatively, what’s an uncommon problem you have experienced? I’m not entirely sure.

Do you know anyone who opposes marriage equality? Yes, and I prefer not to get too close to them. --> yep.

Are you an early riser or a night owl? I’m a night owl, but my new medication makes me super tired and I go to bed at like, 8:30.

What was the last thing you got really emotional about? Talking to a total stranger about my trauma after I was discharged from the hospital. She was a therapist of outpatient, so I had to. Haha.

What’s the longest amount of time you’ve been ill for? A week.

What’s your cure for hiccups? Peanut butter. I don’t know why, but it works immediately.

Who is your closest male friend? Jeff and Sean.

Do you track your spending? Yeah, I’m not as good as I once was.

Are you addicted to anything? The Sims right now. I don’t know why, haha.

What was your life like 5 years ago? Where were you living, working, etc? Meh. I’d rather not get into it right now, haha.

Have you ever let a mental health issue go untreated? Yes, and I would not recommend it. --> Exactly. It got me locked up in a looney bin just recently and now doing outpatient. 

Do you know anyone who hunts for meat? Yes.

Have you ever lived with a boyfriend/girlfriend? Nope.

What do you wash dishes with? Sponge, scrub brush, rag, something else? A sponge. I do need a scrub brush, though.

Is there anything you prefer to do the old-fashioned way? Pay my bills, I don’t like auto-pay lol --> yep.

How old were you when your parents first let you have a TV in your room? When I was 18 or 19?

Are you more practical or creative? Practical, I guess.

Have you ever seen Requiem For A Dream? I haven’t.

Do you put your glasses and mugs right side up or upside down on the cabinet shelf? I put them right side up.

Are you planning to make any big purchases soon? Like what? For how much? A car and a place to move to.

Are you a recent university grad? No.

What changes to the environment/climate have you noticed in your lifetime? Winter isn’t as cold and we don’t get as much snow as years have passed.

Do you own any power tools? No.

How old were you when you first flew on a plane? Not sure, maybe when I was 3 or 4?

- gotta get ready for outpatient, will finish later - 

Does everyone in your family get along with each other? I don’t get along with everyone in my family. My older brother and I have an estranged relationship along with his wife. His wife actually made it estranged because she’s bat-shit cray cray.

What did you have for dinner last night? Chinese food. Honestly, screw dieting last night. I put on sweatpants, an oversized tie-dye sweater, and ordered takeout as I watched sappy Christmas movies. 

What was the worst part of your childhood? The abuse.

What grocery items do you buy the most frequently? Eggs.

Have you ever seen a high school relationship last long-term? (like 10+yrs) I think so.

Do you know any cancer survivors? No.

What color is your bed frame? Black.

How old were you when you first started dating? 13 was my first boyfriend --> same.

What’s the highest-level science course you’ve taken? Senior, haha.

Have you ever had something stolen from you? Yes,

Leftover pizza for breakfast… yay or nay? 100% yay.

Do you personally know anyone who’s a psychopath or sociopath? Seeing that I work with clients with that, yes.

What is your most used kitchen appliance? Refrigerator, toaster.

[markcampbells]

A real question: OTHER than the ending, what are three things you would have changed about White Collar and why?

previous version of this; all those points still apply

They needed to pick a direction for Neal’s backstory and fucking stick with it. I return to this a lot, but in the earliest portion of S1 (long before I was in the fandom), Matt and Tim each gave a long individual interview about how they were conceptualizing the characters and where they could see the story going, since at that point in time basically anything could happen. Since so much was a blank, they each got to talk about where they were approaching things from, and they each had really concrete ideas of Neal and Peter’s backgrounds. Tim viewed Peter as coming from a really blue collar background, having excelled in academics, and having had to struggle with something like realizing he was smarter academically than his father. I still wish that had been reflected more in the writing (something I touched on in my previous response, so I won’t get into that). 

Matt’s conceptualization of Neal’s past is something I return to often, as it’s more sympathetic and consistent by far than what the show actually gave us. He referred to Neal as “trying to cover upfor ultimately a life before that that was really, as a kid, probably reallyunfulfilling” and “probably somebody whofrom a very early age [...] had to find out a way to get himself toschool and probably first learned how to lie to people as a kid, to get his busfare, and it only grew from there.” This is... ultimately not really what we get from him? If we had had Ellen around as more of a season-long plot instead of a rushed few episodes born out of a last-minute S3 OMG SOMEONE FROM HIS PAST!! reveal, it probably would have been handled better, but what the show gives us instead is this really big mess that... doesn’t make a lot of sense. What would have made perfect sense to build on would have been exactly what Matt said, Neal’s origins as a kid who grew up in a really rough spot and turned to cons as a way to survive, and they had a perfect in for this; it’s heavily implied when Ellen comes along that Neal’s mom had some form of untreated mental illness (at the very least, severe depression) that rendered her somewhat incapable of caring for him, and they just... totally drop that? To focus instead on his father and a really played out daddy issues storyline? That ultimately boils down to “I was afraid of becoming a criminal like my father so I became a criminal like my father?” (What.)

I wish we had learned more about Neal’s mom and what their relationship was like at the time of the show, even if that was no relationship at all! (This could have factored into Neal’s relationship with El, too.) I wish the show had cared to explore the really sloppy and careless allusions to mental illness; it would have been “nice” to see Neal, and Peter, dealing with that at times, and not just when it was convenient (coughs loudly in the direction of 2x07). We still don’t get a lot of storylines about men dealing with mental health; we already know TPTB rejected Peter going to therapy over shooting Adler for being ~too dark~, so this was a show that alluded to mental heath when it was convenient only to not want to dig into what that means for the characters. And I just wish they had made it clear that Neal really did start doing all this for survival. In the ending (that ending), Neal was, thanks to Eastin, ultimately an unlikable, self-absorbed prick who prioritized his own freedom to keep running cons over his well-adjusted, happy life with his chosen family (did you say not to bitch about the ending? um...), and if we’d had a clearer idea of his background that was not “I became a criminal because I just wanted to, I guess!”, it just.. it all would have been better. Maybe that would have made the ending better even if it still had to be that ending, because Neal defaulting back to running cons in the end would be more “he’s returning to what he feels he can control and what he knows” (which is the way Matt phrased it) than “Neal abandons everything stable and good in his life because fuck it why not!”

Don’t pivot everything around Neal. This is sort of the same thing as my complaint last time that Peter/Tim hadn’t gotten his fair share, but not totally. For a show where the two of them were meant to be co-leads, i think what unbalanced it was like... things tipped so heavily around Neal that when we got a plotline that could easily have serviced Peter and given him more focus, it just got shunted off to the side like it didn’t matter. My biggest gripe with this is the plot with Ainsley Hayes Calloway in Season 4. (Sidebar, practical note: I’m aware that what I’m about to say could well have been because the late James Rebhorn was unfortunately ill and they needed to drop the plot for the sake of his well-being, and I mean no disrespect of that. His loss was deeply felt and if it were a choice between carrying on with the plot without him or retiring it because Matt, Tim, or the writers felt they didn’t want to do it without him, I of course understand.) The problem with that plot is that in the S4 finale they introduce the problem of widespread corruption within the white collar unit, something that impacts Peter personally (how did this happen under his watch? how did someone who feels strongly about corruption and doing the right thing not notice this?), and then they just... fully ignore it after Peter gets out of prison. CORRUPTION IN LAW ENFORCEMENT DOES NOT JUST DISAPPEAR, Y’ALL. Another thing that would have benefited Neal’s character is him showing a desire to help Peter for a change. It would have been nice if he’d seen how the corruption was impacting Peter and if he’d offered to help on that front. Or, for fuck’s sake, for him to not need “this is hurting Peter” to want to do something. That would have been a good way to show Neal redeveloping his moral center--realizing that getting rid of the corruption in the FBI doesn’t just matter because it means Peter isn’t hurting anymore, it matters because it’s the right thing to do. (And oh, also, MAYBE HE WOULD HAVE CARED ABOUT CORRUPTION IN THE FBI BECAUSE HIS DAD WAS A DIRTY COP AND HE DIDN’T WANT TO BE LIKE HIS DAD. EASTIN.)

More domestic stuff that wasn’t just fodder for jokes. A constant thread they pulled was showing that the Burkes had the domestic life that Neal, deep down, really wanted. Something I don’t think gets talked about enough with Neal: he is a very rare male character who’s a traditional romantic (something Matt also states in that interview I quoted earlier). Despite his sexual prowess, he isn’t ever lewd or inappropriate to women, and we know from our glimpses of what he desired with Kate that he actually wanted traditional domesticity. He wanted to have children. He wanted to be married. (Does this mean he’d be good at any of that, no, but he saw himself as having that future, and I think even the show didn’t take that seriously past a certain point.) It would have been nice to see Neal grasping towards finding that with the Burkes by, say, showing up to help around the house. Or walk Satchmo without needing to do so as part of a case. Or help El cook, since in late S1 El mentions needing his knowledge for a taste test, so they knew that about each other. I know that, under the traditional TV model, there’s no “time” for something that doesn’t directly service the crime-solving plot, but you know, fuck that. I recently rewatched some random episodes in light of Diahann Carroll’s passing, and there were some really sweet asides between Neal and June that could have been built on as well (again, show Neal relating to these women helping him find the nuturing relationships he didn’t have with his mom! it would not have been hard!). What I mean as fodder for jokes is like, Mozzie and June having a book club, and Mozzie and El’s entire relationship--really, if you’d lifted out Mozzie and instead taken the space wasted on those dumb asides to build up Neal having the sort of home life he wanted, just in a different way than he’d ever expected to get it, that would have really helped the show.

[skruffie]

in which I’m getting to know my brain better

I can’t really pinpoint a time when I started reading about ADHD and believed that maybe it was something that I had. I think it’s kind of been in the back of my head from when ADD was still a commonly-used term but then I would go “naaaah can’t be me, I’m just a lazy person!” I remember ages ago in high school I was at a friend’s house and watching their brothers and I thought “This is what actual ADHD looks like” so I guess that kind of pins it for me thinking about it as long ago as 15 years ago but I never gave it serious consideration until more recently.

(This is very, very long so I don’t blame you if you want to just skip it entirely)

Just last night I was talking to Zack and I was giggling and going “I still can’t believe I really didn’t see this before” and they were going “Really?”

Let’s think about this. As a kid I was always pretty sensitive and had weird... I used to call them compulsions but now I wonder if it was more impulsive behavior where I would hoard things like rocks and leaves or do dangerous shit without thinking about it (one memory comes to mind immediately when I noticed there was broken glass on the playground and I started meticulously picking it up as carefully as I could, and my teacher freaked out when she saw what I was doing. It unsettled my mom too, but me explaining that I didn’t want anyone to get hurt didn’t help put them at ease). I would be deeply sucked into my imagination at times, like... 

When I was a kid I always kind of pictured myself like everything that was happening was a movie. I don’t really mean this in a dissociative derealization kind of thing, but just imagining every second was a movie or a video game. Sometimes I still do this. I can’t really pinpoint if there were a lot of hyperactive symptoms other than countless times my mom told me to stop fiddling with my hands or string or whatever was within my grasp. I would always come home from school dirty with grass stains on my jeans and holes in my knees and rocks in my pockets, earning the title “skruffy ragamuffin” from my sister, but I just kind of figured that was part of being a kid. Looking at it NOW through this viewpoint gives me second thought though.

I picked up on physical activities rather quickly from a young age like dancing and karate--probably the physical movement was what I needed to help me focus--and I do things like pick at the skin around my thumbs, bite the inside of my cheeks (Didn’t realize this was a thing until I watched Hannah Hart describe it as part of her fidgeting and went “OH.”)

As I got older and after my sister died, see... I always viewed this time period in my life as I couldn’t do school or focus because of my grief and my home life falling apart, and I think part of that is still true. However, I would continue this with “And because of that I didn’t form good study habits and that continued into highschool when I stopped giving a shit”. Which was better than thinking I was just a stupid failure, and I really don’t think I am stupid... I can think quickly on my feet, I notice things that other people don’t, I’ve been an advanced reader from a VERY early age and I can infer correct answers from context clues and analyze things in that way. 

There is one memory from high school that, in the past, I thought maybe was tied to an emotional flashback but I realize now that it might’ve been Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. There was a weird disagreement that I was having with a friend of mine over something (truly can’t remember what it was about now), and somehow this rejection of him not listening to me spiraled me into this state of Why Should I Fucking Bother and the first target for this heavy, painful feeling was “okay, well I should just stop drawing because Why Should I Fucking Bother”. My English teacher found me sitting in the hallway crying and sat down with me to ask what was happening and I tried to explain, and then he had me show him my artwork and he goes “You are an incredible artist, you shouldn’t give this up.” One of few teachers in my life who I will always respect because he was always stern in a kind way, understanding, and an overall wonderful man.

I’m kind of getting off track here but I think that’s really just self-demonstrating at this point.

When I worked at Target there wasn’t really an opportunity for the ADHD type symptoms to manifest because I was pretty much always moving. In school I could zone out very easily but at work I was able to have more bouts of focus, but traded off my inattention for anxiety instead. This was also just a few years after the big PTSD causing event, but retail in general can give pretty much anyone some anxiety issues. Nonetheless, the things that I enjoyed about working there is that I was able to master my work zone completely (to a point of annotating the training guide with new information and keeping it updated), became the go-to person for several things, and I enjoyed being able to have a bit of freedom of movement around my work space. I enjoyed being able to have physical, tangible ways to see progress being made on something and there was a surprising amount of nuance and problem-solving when it came to resolving customer complaints. 

Moving to a desk job in 2018 was a weird departure from all of that. I had started off kind of as a clerical worker and would compile the concrete goods vouchers that we send out to our clients, receive them back, prepare them for scanning, scan+upload to case files, etc. It was dreadfully boring a lot of the time but I didn’t mind the long stretches where I could sit and prepare documents for scanning because I was able to listen to music while I got them ready. After a while I was encouraged to become a fiduciary, and that is really when the Maybe I Have ADHD started to rear it’s head.

My job doesn’t have the tangible way to see that I’ve made progress. I update placements to generate foster care payments, I generate the vouchers for concrete goods, I put in ongoing foster care case management payments or daycare payments, I will sometimes resolve some payment issues but only to a certain point--I’m able to see information but being able to solve the problem is actually not my area unless I can correct it within the case management system. There is an extreme need to be detail oriented because we work with specific service dates, with some services ongoing but some needing to be renewed every six months, gobs of emails with paperwork and trying to get the right signatures on everything because we’re dealing in state money...

on top of this, in order to move into the permanent position, I’ve been taking the accounting classes online outside of work and (until the pandemic started) having a long commute-work-commute day that totaled about 12 hours out of my waking life. My diet changed radically because Zack and I didn’t see each other often and getting home at 6:30 at night didn’t leave a lot of room to cook and then eat before having downtime to sleep... only to wake up at 5:30 AM again... my insomnia started kicking in to a point now where I take a benadryl through the work week to keep my sleep schedule on track. I started having anxiety attacks at work because trying to keep up with remembering all the little details I need to at work was getting to me. 

As I was training, I would write a post-it reminder whenever I repeated a mistake and stick it to my monitor. I got up to about 14 post-its before it became distracting and I instead compiled them onto a list and tacked it to my cubicle wall.

A few months into this I had a crying jag talking to Zack because it felt like something was really wrong and I couldn’t pinpoint what exactly. Depression? Anxiety? Trauma? School trauma? I think it’s just been untreated ADHD this whole time. I keep thinking back to this post I’ve seen on Tumblr a long time ago where someone said “disability exists in the context of the environment” and I think that’s what’s happening to me. I previously have bee in environments that weren’t butting up against The ADHD as much, but this job has been extremely challenging for the past 11 months. 

Thankfully, my boss and I have one-on-one discussions regularly (used to be every other week but since the pandemic started it’s been weekly phone calls) and she has no issues with my work performance... likely because I exert a lot of mental and emotional energy to keep up with everything I need to do. I’m also in charge of the busiest field office in our region--there’s a high turnover rate, lots of child welfare cases, etc--and the social workers that I talk to on the regular enjoy having me as their fiduciary. There have been many times however, despite the fact I seem to be doing pretty good, where it feels like I am hanging on by a fucking thread. Here’s something personal that I don’t think I’ve shared yet on the blog: last year, within the first month and a half of adjusting to this new pace of work and school and the long commutes, the schedule was so stressful for me that it made my period late. Worrying I was pregnant just stressed me out more. Not being able to treat this Probably ADHD has been detrimental to my mental health.

On the 22nd, I’m going to have a telehealth meeting with a doctor to see if I can get a referral for a screening. I kind of worried that if I do get diagnosed with ADHD it would send me into this mourning state of what-could-have-been but honestly... I’m tired. I’m tired of beating myself up for exhausting myself into keeping up with other people. I think I owe it to myself to get the help that I need. Looking at my life with the lens of I Probably Have ADHD has actually given me a renewed sense of self-worth and confidence because it’s something that I can learn how to take control of. It’s worth it. I’m worth it.

[becoming-lilibet]

Reflect on your greatest struggle. What was it and how did you grow from it?

My greatest struggle has been a culmination of years that were spent between a mix of deception, of denial, a realization that my body was deteriorating like an 80 year old, lies, and a flame that would not burn out. Some stories need a back story, but when it comes to stories of an insidious fight with anorexia, they can turn into war stories of competition. I will not speak of certain weights, I will limit the discussion of behaviors as much as possible (only ones to show how an entire family unit watched their daughter die before their eyes), and omit numbers of total intake and the like, which I suppose falls under behaviors. But this is a journey that has taken place over the course of my young adolescence until now, at age 31. 

There is no onset age where a man or woman develops an eating disorder. Mine just so happened to begin around 8 years old when it was my only way to cope with being sexually abused by two neighborhood boys. My innocence was taken and I was free falling through the streets of Gracemore. My body had been violated and I in turn violated the natural equilibrium of myself. I remember being a sad kid who perfected the art of deception. If I pretended everything was okay, no one would catch on, and I could suffer in silence behind my purple painted walls. 

It started simply with chewing and spitting. TO this day I’m unsure how that behavior went unnoticed by my parents, but now I know as an adult that those struggling with EDs are sneaky little shits. I’ve written another piece called “The Obsession with Emptiness” on my recovery blog (recoverywithoutkale) that tells the tale of how around this very age I also discovered the evil of the Diet Culture aisle at stores and  began to shoplift laxatives and diuretics. 

By time I reached 13, my ED was all I thought about. You can’t diagnose a child with Bipolar disorder (I finally received that diagnosis at 19), but I was in fact struggling with towering highs and abysmal lows. My mom and I fought a lot during my middle school years. It wasn’t entirely her fault or mine. I believe my mother has untreated mental health issues that made us pit against each other. 

I found an old photograph of my mom in a bikini, lounging in the sun. She was skin and bones. It was dated 1986, before I was a thought. My sister caught me starting at it and said, “Yeah, see? Mom was anorexic, now she binges.” At the time I didn’t know what the word “anorexic” even meant. I was so out of control with my impulses, my identity, my sexuality, that I ended up losing my virginity my 8th grade year. What I didn’t anticipate was that my boyfriend was going to break up with me right after he had sex with me two or three days later. 

But I found the cure for my heartbreak even deeper. My mom was going on the South Beach Diet and asked me to join with her. I eagerly agreed. I felt so powerful. I felt so accomplished. I lost a significant amount of weight in the first two weeks of Phase 1, beating the amount of weight my mom lost by double. That’s all it took. I was addicted. She eventually stopped, but I didn’t. How could I stop now? 

Thus began my dance with ED. At age 16 I was seeing a therapist who had been consulting with my doctor and they diagnosed me with anorexia - restrictive type. At this point I wasn’t abusing laxatives or diuretics or diet pills. Just an adherence to a strict starvation diet. After that I went down a new rabbit hole: the online ED community on Xanga. It was essentially pro-ED, without a doubt. Competing, challenges, tips and tricks. It was all dangerous. Then when the summer I was 16 rolled around, I was date raped by a member of my youth group after returning from a mission trip to San Antonio. The ED swooped in and rescued me. I thought the more I lost, I could kill the femininity inside.

By time I graduated and went to college I knew my problem was out of hand, but I had no way of stopping it. At least, I had no idea how to stop it. I attended an eating disorder support group on campus but the girls were so banal and I couldn’t stand them. 

After I got pregnant, I ceased all eating disorder behaviors all the way until my daughter stopped nursing around 8 months old. I was left with untreated Post-Partum Depression and a whole lot of extra baby weight. I lost weight, to say the least. But I lost myself most of all. 

September of 2009 I admitted myself inpatient to the eating disorder ward (VITA) at Research Medical Center. How ironic, I thought to myself. The place I was born is the place I’m coming to die. There was a three month long wait list, but after assessing me they admitted me three days later. I had a myriad of tests done to evaluate the damage I’d done to my body. They pushed me around in a wheelchair because my blood pressure was so low, as was my heart rate, and because of the severity of my anorexia, they did not want me burning any calories by walking. It was humiliating. 

That first day I spent the whole day getting every test imaginable done. Then, my results. When I heard the words it was as if I were floating above my body. The doctors asked who referred me there and I was confused. “No one. I admitted myself.” Next they asked, “Are you living alone?” and I answered, “No, I live with my parents...” Their eyes widened and looked perplexed and asked, “Have you been resisting treatment? Why didn’t your parents bring you in months ago?” I was offended by his first question. I told him, “I’ve been complying with my shrink, taking all my meds, being honest with my ED therapist, and being transparent about my behaviors, but neither of them suggested treatment so I Googled it myself.” I had no answer for my parents actions. Then he leaned in and said, “I’m going to be honest and level with you here since all you’ve been doing is be honest with us and most patients aren’t forthcoming during the intake process. You are dying, Sarah. If you hadn’t admitted yourself today I would guess you’d have two weeks at most before you passed away.” Me, floating, higher and higher...

So began a three month hospitalization to weight restore and heal my disordered mind. I had a positive experience at VITA. My therapist was amazing - she convinced my parents I have a real life-threatening disorder that I did not choose. The psychiatrist Dr. Mandal taught us so many profound lessons - most of which I haven’t forgotten. And I made close friends, which is crucial when you’re forced to wake up at 4AM for vitals and be drugged to sleep at 9-10PM. I can’t say this is where I magically recovered, but it’s where I finally discovered I could, can, and will beat this. 

Eating disorder recovery is a life long journey, I was re-hospitalized at VITA again about six months after my discharge. Hung in the balance for years of recovery and relapse, and spent last summer at EDCare (a story for another time, perhaps) for 13 weeks where I experienced medical malpractice. I don’t know how to say I am now. I’m learning to embrace a few fat body in a fatphobic society, I act on ED behaviors a couple times a week, sometimes none at all. But this is certainly the furthest I’ve ever come in recovery and for that I am proud. I have a lot of hard work to do in the future but I have a small group of people who are in my support system. I won’t stop fighting now. 

[sweatycatmentality-blog]

suicide trial and error

A reflection on my past experiences living with an undiagnosed mental illness and the effects that my imbalanced state of mind had on my father’s own fragile mental health.  

An all to common journey for families with members suffering from undiagnosed mental illness that leads to tragedy.

The story I am choosing to share is not one of happy times during my childhood. It is a tragedy for which I bear a great responsibility for. My father's death was completely preventable. The cause of his death shouldn’t be classified suicide - he was murdered by my lack of understanding of his disease fueled by the teenage narcissistic tendencies which were coupled with my own undiagnosed mental illness. I accept responsibility for my actions and only hope that sharing my experience will prevent this tragedy from happening to someone else.

My relationship with my dad was always turbulent. It was cyclical, based on his mood and my own. There were ups and downs, always fueled with admiration or hatred, never anything in between. I’d only realize later in life that this was because we both suffered from untreated mental health issues - specifically bipolar and depression - the love/hate cycles coincided with our manic and depressed episodes. During the manic episodes we’d bond over our far-fetched dreams, each feeding the lies to each other of what was possible instead of accepting reality. As quickly as those episodes came, the depression crept in. This was heightened by drug and alcohol addiction on my dad’s part. Me, well I felt isolated from everyone despite having the appearance of a social life. I dealt with the feelings of being unwanted, unsuccessful, a burden on my family and friends. I questioned everyone’s perception of me, giving weight to the hurtful things bullies in school said about me, not realizing that they picked on me not because of my looks or because my family wasn’t rich, but because they got the best reactions from me. My anger and sadness shined through.

During these low points I became hostile towards my family, I was filled with rage and angry at the cards I had been dealt in terms of my family’s lack of money and the embarrassment I had of my father and how he acted - totally unpredictable, would he be sober or messed up. I lacked understanding of mental illness and didn’t know how to be empathetic towards him, primarily because I didn’t realize that he had a disease which was undiagnosed until he was in his 50s. My inability to comprehend the symptoms of his *(and my own) disease made my relationship with him unhealthy and detrimental to the wellbeing of both of us.  

I remember the first glimpse I had at the severe impact my awful, unforgiving, and uncompassionate attitude had on him was when I was in 9th grade. I sat at the kitchen table with my mom and dad on either side of me. My dad had cooked dinner, and like he always did when he chose to cook, he left the kitchen a complete disaster for my mom and me to clean up. I never understood how he could create such a mess and have no consideration for us having to clean it up. After he said dinner was ready, I always commented on the state of the kitchen to which he replied - I cooked, you all can clean. That was how it always went.

           This dinner started out the same as it always did, we said grace holding hands. The words had lost all meaning at this stage of my life. I couldn’t grasp what it was to be grateful for the food we had on the table or the roof over our heads. I was a self-absorbed, ungrateful teenager and an asshole. I see that now looking back.

After saying grace my father said “Cha (his nickname for my mom, Charlotte) get me the salt.” This sparked a fury in me as he was clearly sitting much closer to the cabinet that the salt was in and I felt as though he thought he could command my mom to fetch the salt for him merely because he cooked dinner. That wasn’t part of the deal - we cleaned, and he cooked, we were not his servants. Before I realized what I was saying I blurted out, “Why don’t you get it your f***ing self.” Silence. The next few minutes were a blur, but I believe he called me a b***h before getting up and grabbing his keys at which point my mom and I pleaded for him to stay and sit back down. We knew he was going to the bar like he always did when my mom or I commented on his drinking or exorbitant spending. His reaction was always predictable - he was never wrong, that drink or that new tech-device that we didn’t need and couldn’t afford was always justified. I have vivid memories of mom standing between him and the door begging him not to go to the bar and I would apologize profusely (most of the time) to no avail.

           This time was no different initially, he’d say to my mom to get out of his way in a deep scary tone which I knew far too well. The tone was that of rage and undeniable hatred towards us. Blaming us for disrupting a family dinner and causing him to go to the bar. Placing all the blame for the arguments on us and taking no responsibility in his role as the cause. This time when he charged for the front door in my gut, I knew that once he walked out that door everything in our lives would change for the worse. Upon his exit, I sensed that my mom shared my uneasy feeling.

           Reflecting on the incident, I am sure she felt disappointment that I once again opened my mouth and threw a match on the otherwise painless dinner. Why couldn’t I have just kept my mouth shut or just gotten him the damn salt myself, thereby conveying my disapproval of his commanding my mom to do his bidding but keeping the peace by still appeasing him by fulfilling that command. My mom knew that I was trying to stand up for her because in my eyes she never stood up for herself when he spoke down to her. However, this time I could see her sadness and annoyance at me. I apologized to her again, but the damage was done.

           Some time passed and my mom and I sat silently at the table not touching our plates. The dread of not knowing how he was reacting to my attack was dredging up a mass of emotions inside me. I felt ashamed and contrite, but it was too late to express those thoughts to him. He would never listen to me anyways; he needed to cool down before I apologized to him. My mom called and called my dad but was unable to reach him. He had turned his phone off. At this point I knew something terrible was going to happen. I ordered my mom to get into the car - I was 15 years old so I only had a learner’s permit - we racked our brains as we drove around to the local bars or places, we thought he might go. My mom called all of his friends, but none had heard from him. Our worry heightened when I suddenly had the idea to check the local community theater shop/rehearsal space where my mom and he volunteered. He had a key. As we were en route I called the police and asked them to meet us there informing them that I thought my dad was going to kill himself. Of course, the dispatcher immediately asks where he is and I say that I think he is at the shop, giving them the address, then they ask if he has a weapon. I had no clue. I realized I didn’t know what he was truly intending and by what means. It was the first time I recall feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for how I treated him. I had caused him so much pain that he didn’t want to live any longer.

           We pulled into the parking lot and saw his car, the cops weren’t there yet, but I ran into the shop. The door was unlocked and flung open to reveal my father on one of those lifts that utility workers use to fix telephone poles; a noose was around a rafter and the loop lay in his hands. He motioned to position his head through the loop and my mother, and I screamed for him to stop. We were pleading and apologizing, but he had no intention of stopping. This was how he was going to punish me for good. This was how he would make me learn the power of my words and the anguish and pain that they can cause. The cops entered and began asking whether he was armed, to which I screamed no and to f***ing help save him. They ordered him to come down and talk, always speaking in stern yet compassionate voices. Finally, he was down on the ground and they escorted him into the cop car. The cops said that he would be taken to a psychiatric hospital and held for 48-72 hours on an involuntary basis. After that a judge would inform us if we could seek to continue involuntary inpatient treatment based on his doctors’ opinions. Or he could volunteer to be admitted for continued inpatient psychiatric treatment - which of course he felt that he didn’t need despite his suicide attempt.

           Over the next several years there would be more attempts at suicide, all of which would occur when only I was around to deal with it. It was as if he was trying to mess with me and to show me how awful of a person he thought me to be. In retrospect, I do acknowledge that as an undiagnosed and therefore untreated person suffering from the same disease as him, I played a huge role in his untimely death. All the attempts leading up to his successful suicide in 2008 were inflicted by my irresponsible frame of mind and inability to be empathetic towards his condition. I must deal with that awareness for the rest of my life and it plagues me every day.

           I am sharing this story not only as a means of self-therapy, hoping that it will help me accept that I was not myself during the period of my life in which he took his life and that he too played a major role in his own self-destruction. I also hope that by sharing this tragedy with others that it will expose how prevalent mental health issues are in society for people of all ages and that without adequate diagnostic opportunities of our youth we will inevitably see more tragedies unearthed in our aging populations. Too many people go through life no knowing that their pain is due to chemical imbalances and can be treated. However even with increasing exposure to diagnostic opportunities, limited treatment options for the lower-income populations will continue to prevent those who truly need help from being able to receive it. We must do better as a society. We owe it to our youth to find solutions to make life easier for them to cope with. Life should be cherished and not taken advantage of. By increasing awareness of the prevalence of mental health issues in society we can only better the livelihood of all.

[boredliondisorder]

There is a social problem on tumblr with people repeating things like “your friends aren’t your therapists.” It’s a true statement, but I find it’s become a method of dismissal rather than a desire to truly help. That is, people who say it don’t know what it truly means or how to follow up. It’s not your responsibility to “be a therapist” but there are things you might consider. Under the Read More I’ll discuss barriers to getting therapy as well as ways you can encourage your friend to get therapy without repeating a cliche they’ve likely already heard many times.

Most of the people you’re encouraging to seek therapy due to your own burnout either have BPD or NPD, and these disorders require a specialized therapist. It’s not a matter of elitism; therapists who haven’t studied personality disorders simply don’t know how to help. Going to a general therapist for a personality disorder is like going to a heart doctor for cancer. A heart doctor is going to know enough to attempt to help you but not nearly enough to make you better.  And therapists who specialize in personality disorders are more expensive. One of the best treatments for BPD, for example, is a newer treatment called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (or DBT.) To quote this study, “The mean cost saving for treating BPD with evidence-based psychotherapy across studies was USD $2,987.82 per patient per year.” Please keep in mind that ‘mean’ means average, which means some were less expensive or more expensive. The least expensive plan was $1,551. To further quote, “Individuals with BPD consistently demonstrate high patterns of service utilization and therefore high costs.” In one case, a patient with BPD paid a total of $29,392 in one year. And is an outlier and should not have been counted. I was lucky enough to have insurance with a co-pay of $20 per session, but utilizing therapy every week for the course of a year is still $1,040 out of pocket.  If a patient has good insurance, it means they have a full-time job, which typically is 8:30-5 Monday through Friday. That also happens to be the time span that small practices that specialize in BPD or NPD run.  Which means taking time off.  Thankfully I’d earned comp time by working overtime, which I am able to take in blocks of half an hour. However, I am getting close to using that up; at the moment, I have six hours remaining in my comp bank, then I have to go to vacation time, which I have to take in blocks of half days. And I don’t have unlimited vacation time to take.  And, to be honest, I like to use the vacation time I have for vacations. (If you want to get better, don’t have nice things???) Lastly, but no less important, is patient trauma.  Many people with BPD and many other disorders suffer from post-traumatic stress caused by a previous interaction with mental health care. PTSD is not limited to military experiences or severe accidents, but can also come from any event that causes stress past the limit of what a person can handle. Untreated, PTSD symptoms can last years. In my case, I had forced hospitalization, which I’ve spoken about in previous posts. I won’t get into it again here. But it’s enough to say that your struggling friends may have trauma from previous therapy or care.  So now that I’ve discussed the barriers, let’s discuss what you can do to help your friend get into therapy.  Like you, sometimes your friend might have no idea where to start. That’s a source of frustration for both of you because they might literally be saying “I don’t know what to do,” which might encompass several of the problems listed above. “I’d like to help you, but I just don’t have the resources. If I help you find a therapist, would that help?” is better than “Your friends aren’t your therapists” or “You need to seek therapy.” You can also ask “What kind of barriers do you have when it comes to seeking therapy and how can I help you get past them?” It’s okay to tell them that you’re not equipped to help them with their deeper issues, but that you CAN help them find someone who can. As they bring up their barriers, you can respond in kind. Remember, you should try to help them want to seek therapy themselves. Making them go to therapy is only putting a bandage on a deeper problem. If they go to therapy to please you and buy more time with you, they aren’t going to get better. Therefore, an ultimatum such as “if you don’t go to therapy, we will stop talking” can continue to hurt both sides in the long run. Even if they get better for a while, their behavior could worsen again without true recovery. It’s okay to leave for your own health reasons if things have gotten too bad, but don’t use therapy as a bargaining chip in a threat. If you need to leave the situation, then tell them, then cut things off. Don’t make the friendship itself contingent on what you want. Ultimatums don’t work in relationships with problematic behavior. If you have the capacity to continue and you wish to maintain the friendship, the methods below will help:

Is their problem insurance/payments? Ask them what kind of insurance they have. There’s no longer an individual mandate in the US, so they might not have any insurance at all. If they have insurance, ask them what their co-pay is for mental health services and figure out what they might be able to afford per month. Without insurance in the US, this might be a huge barrier. There are low income options, but generally you won’t find specialists, and it might be group therapy which can be problematic for people with anxiety. Often, BPD can lead to joblessness due to turbulent interpersonal interactions, so your friend might not have a job. If this barrier is insurmountable, you might consider crowdfunding, but this goes above and beyond normal help and is not your responsibility.

Discussing traumatic barriers might be more difficult, because it’s hard to ask about. Hopefully they bring it up when you ask them about barriers, but if not, you can ask “has anything happened that might prevent you from wanting therapy?” Those who have been forced into hospitalization or insufficient therapy may be suffering from untreated PTSD. You can try to reassure them that talking to a therapist about suicidal ideation does not mean they will call to have you hospitalized. In fact, that’s not something that can happen unless you tell them you have a plan for suicide and will execute it. There are options, as well, such as day-therapy, which is outpatient. Some peoples’ recovery relies on being comfortable at home. 

A lot of people have no idea where to look to find a therapist. For the United States, Psychology Today will allow people to search not only by location, but by disorder, as well. For example, you can search for therapists in Nashville, TN and then narrow the search for therapists that specialize in your condition. Clicking on the therapist will tell you more about them. It might especially help someone who is overwhelmed if you help them narrow down one or two therapists they might be able to call.

And remember, if things are REALLY BAD you can always refer them to the Suicide Prevention Lifeline or there’s even an option for them to chat with a crisis counselor live. Sometimes the chat takes a while to connect because there are a lot of people trying to get through, but it was my counselor who made me aware of the Psychology Today list of therapists.

Counselors will only call the police in dire emergencies when they are unable to talk you down from suicide or if they believe you are a danger to other people. And they are well-trained and know what to say to help.

Anyway, hopefully this helps people understand why the “friends aren’t therapists” cliche by itself is so unhelpful. It’s because dismissing a friend using that phrase and leaving them nowhere to turn causes even more pain. It’s not your responsibility to be a therapist, but you can make a huge difference by helping someone get to the help they need.

Still, remember to take care of yourself. Someone who ultimately refuses therapy is not going to get better of their own volition. Either put the pause on the friendship and give yourself space, or leave it entirely.