#because of fear of rejection so i keep it to myself contained in my own space

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

Please BE EXCITED about stuff you like/ want to be excited about 💞 That's what life supposed to be about, finding joy in the smallest things, in the things we enjoy and love. And the people that judge us for having that joy in our hearts lose their own life, because they spend too much time judging someone else's life instead of doing something with their own. FUCK them

this is one of my favorite asks and i love you

[lostinvasileios]

Fears.

Yeah, that's nice. But, why do you fear so much? No, I'm - serious, why?

A lot of the times, as sad as it is, I've encountered people who often lower their own power by fearing all the possible outcomes. Key word, love: possible.

Take it from me, for the first year or so of me practicing and getting close with deities, no matter how obviously real things were, I always had a lingering thought of "what if I'm just making it up?" or "they'd never say that to me."

While being able to differentiate your own thoughts and your own projection while interacting with deities or magic(k) at all is important, you don't need to fear it. If you mess up, you mess up. Nobody's angry or disappointed at you because the universe, your deities, they understand. You're only human. And you're trying. That's what matters. Trying.

Your failures are not measured, they aren't keeping score of all the times you accidentally fucked up something small like interpreting their exact wording or actions like if they waved their hands at a specific point in their sentence or not. You know??

Here's something that helped me: if it makes you happy, then fuck all else. Everything can technically be perception, anyways. If something's fake, you'll find out eventually. You'll be able to tell at certain points.

Lady Hekate once told me, "things are only as real as you want them to be."

Of course, grounding and else other are also important factors, but if the only thing that's realistically stopping you here is the fear of them being figments of imagination, fear of "failing" to reach out to them, ect... You don't need to worry about that, dove.

Most of the time, it's just brain fog. It's just the fear of the unknown, rejection, and other things of those categories. And that's all valid.

Most of the time, at least for me, it was the fact that I was in the presence of such magnificent beauty that made it difficult to believe I was actually experiencing what I was. It was the amount of incomprehensible, out of this world love that the entities I connected with had for me. It was - them, in general at times.

I suffered from psychosis for years when I was younger before starting my journey, and despite how I've gotten drastically better over the years, I still contain some certain... Tendencies you could say.

I constantly questioned if things were real, and, yes asking questions is alright. It's great to do, actually. But don't drive yourself into a sorrow pit over them. You know? Don't bring yourself down more by believing those overthinking fears you can have at times.

I was under such immense fear of making things up that I failed to realize that the only reason I was having such a hard time was because I doubted myself way too much. I was way too hard on myself on multiple cases, and still can be at times unfortunately.

Have more faith in yourself, have more patience with yourself. No matter how experienced someone is, there's always something new to learn, and learning is difficult for everyone at times. Everyone's gone through the same thing in their own variation before, and most likely will a thousand times again. The more you learn to trust yourself, the more you can overcome that battle - which might be one of the hardest, to tell you the truth - the smoother this will get for you. But it takes time, it takes breaks, it takes tears and effort, it takes a lot. It takes you.

One of the points of magic and deities or whatever the hell else is to simply learn to enjoy life more. To live. To experience. You can't do that if you're too caught up in your fears to see how far you've gotten, to see at all.

You know the truth, deep down. Just shh, and listen. It may take a long time, but eventually, you'll find your answer to the reality of things. To the emotions of things. Don't pressure yourself, don't suffocate yourself with doubts and fears.

Everything that's yours is yours, everyone creates their own realities and fates. Just be you. Just grow. Just feel. Just... Live your journey. Everything's gonna be fine, bee.

[the-pen-is-mighty-and-so-are-you]

Friday? More like Fried-as-an-egg-day - from wp blog, 18/10/2019

So, this is it - the first official blog post. Welcome again, visitor, and thank you for making it this far. To reward you I would like to share some sweet, sweet lofi with you, to listen to while reading this. Each post I'll link what I listened to while writing so that we can be on the same wave-length. The one I've linked today is a current personal favourite of mine. Once you have enjoyed this post, replay it and enjoy its fantastic animation - I love doing some colouring in with it playing in the background. Really makes the stress float away like an illegal Chinese lantern.

Today was a strangely productive Friday. A week ago I got a 6 month membership at the gym - £30, a beautiful price - with my flatmate, who is a gorgeous ray of pure, hardworking sunshine. She's far, far more organised than me, and has a determination I haven't seen in many 204-month-olds. So, she makes a great gym buddy - she motivates me to get out of my room and exercise away, releasing all the stress and guilt that gets wound up inside me.

I never saw myself becoming a gym rat. But for me, it's become a logical step in helping me structure my week and straighten out the thoughts in my head. Working out keeps the dark thoughts at bay; if I exercise I can't feel lazy, and I don't need to feel so bad about all the Bourbon biscuits I ate the day before. And going to the gym in the morning adds another bonus: getting to see a half of the day I normally wouldn't see on a day I could have a lie-in.

Seeing the morning sunshine, or even the Autumn grey it was today, is so refreshing, even if I know it will make me tired at the night-time I cherish so much. I want to thank my flatmate for giving me these special mornings, and for her positive energy that brightens up the whole flat.

So it was after one of these uplifting gym sessions and a shower and a wholesome bowl of soup that I decided to set foot over yonder, onto Princes Street: an intimidating, bustling site of mainstream chains that instils fear into the hearts of hipsters and introverts alike, alien from my comforting half of old architecture and charity shops. Nevertheless, I needed some new leggings - my old ones were looking like the loose skin on one of those wrinkly dog breeds - and moreover, a nice day out with myself. Enjoying your own company can lead to a great many revelations about the self: what you like, what your life goals are, what your thoughts are on the discussion you can overhear from the couple in front. And so, I recommend.

I am biased, of course. I've been brought up with a mum that preaches the joys of alone time, and in addition to that, I can find people quite draining. To solve the danger of becoming overwhelmed by the crowds, today I discovered that if I listened to podcasts through my headphones, I could actively enjoy the shopping experience, blissfully unaware of just how many people kept bashing into my umbrella. This revelation was a double-edged sword, because now I know just how much of a not-a-people-person I am. Not a real-people person, anyway.

I kept my podcast playing throughout my Greggs experience, pausing it only to order. I had a heated toastie from there, something I've never thought to order before, and a pumpkin spiced latte for the first time, so you could say today was very much a day of discovery. The latte was pretty basic, but not as basic as a basic latte, so I enjoyed it. The caffeine gave me an energy that had me clutching my pen and staring into my notebook with furious anticipation, too many ideas bubbling up to contain in ink. I managed to secure a booth seat marginally more comfortable than the barren wooden chairs. From it I was fortunate enough to enjoy a panoramic view both out the window into the Waverly shopping centre and of the other guests in this civil little chain that I once applied for and got rejected from.

A woman was sitting in the corner to my left, on call with someone and typing at her laptop. All her food and drink had been consumed. And so, comforted, I relaxed and took off my coat after ten minutes, now understanding there to be an unspoken agreement that settled customers would not be kicked out.

I wrote out the Japanese words for different members of family. A middle aged woman fell off her chair with great tragedy; the man who got up to help her had kanji tattooed on the back of his leg.

I moved onto my story. I managed to write three sentences. I moved to the back of the notebook and noticed an unexplained mobile number written there. After conferring with my boyfriend, I texted it. The number's name is Rob. Neither of us know how I got his number.

I dipped my glazed doughnut into the remainder of my latte, which I thoroughly savoured, though did not appreciate the sticky-palm-situation which ensued. I awkwardly held my pen afterwards, silently apologising to it, and began to plan. I wrote out a couple of ideas, a few reflections. What were my artistic goals?

I sat back and thought about the podcast I'd thought about doing. What was it going to be called? The pen is mighty and- huh. Clever name. Motivational. Just the right amount of vagueness. Plus, if it's written out all in one, the word 'penis' pops out, which is a bonus.

I thought of what else I could do besides a podcast. It slowly struck me.

I smiled slowly and put my pen excitedly to paper - but didn't write anything. I wasn't quite inspired enough yet. It was still day time, and I was still in Greggs which, although friendly and practical, is not much of a muse. So, I pack my things, got up and put my rubbish in the bin - no recycling, I noted - and asked for the toilet code. He told me the toilet was out of order and to go to MacDonalds.

"Okay," I said, and walked down the steps to the level of MacDonalds, walked towards it, and walked past it - out the exit.

I love Greggs, but I don't think the left side of my brain does. Although my stomach and heart was satisfied, the ambience would have lacked were it not for the podcast blocking out the generic music and din. Greggs - Greggory, can I call you Greggory? -the caffeine effect from the latte was beyond your control, but your décor was not. And so, overall, I give you:

6/10 - A* for effort, but the table was too basic for me to write upon.

[kaurwreck]

January 2, 2024 [1:04 AM]

below is a transcript of dms i sent while reading the final chapter of Return to Tsugaru by Osamu Dazai

What's worse, that I can't be sure any of this chapter is or that he would write this at all is the only truth that really matters.

Did he find his father in his father's place of birth, or did he just wish he had. Did he see his father in his eldest brother or only the rejection he imagined receiving from his father had he'd ever worked up the courage to ask anything of him.

Was he recieved liked he belonged there or did he just think he should have been so that's what ought to have happened had the narrative been satisfying instead of what it was, which was lonely and othering.

Was he brave enough to even see how he'd be received at all, or did he keep walking, so that he could decide what would have happened had he not cowered.

Everywhere he has never been, he is of the people, their blood is his, he is as native to the locale as the flora and fauna. But where he has history, where his family live and lived, he is a wandering vagabond, a mere passerby, an outsider. "I can't help feeling that this area is not really Tsugaru," he says, as if to reconcile who he is now with the man who declared himself to be a peasant among peasants "There is nothing here of Tsugaru's luckless karma; the clumsy tactlessness so typical of Tsuguru is absent. Just looking at the landscape, you can sense it— it is knowing, cultured, as it were. Its heart contains no mulish pride." Or does it just look like the place where your father lived, and you can't see yourself in anything he's known because he never bothered to know you.

Dazai, have you once written about Tsugaru, or has it been you all along.

Oh, but then he DOES find himself in his fatherland. The worst parts of himself, the parts he despises the most. The pretense and lack of confidence and the naked fear: "The people of the Tsuguru heartland really lack confidence in their own history. They haven't a trace of it. That's why they end up assuming that posture of arrogance, why they square their shoulders and accuse others of being 'base.' It's the basis of the obstinacy, the stubbornness, and the complexity of the Tsugaru people, and ultimately the cause of their sad destiny of isolation and loneliness."

Aren't you like me? He says to his father and brother. Isn't it just that you've forgotten? Isn't it just that you've resigned yourself? Aren't you just as timid, only you're too stubborn to admit it?

Dazai doesn't hate pretense, he's afraid of the loneliness it promises. He's afraid of resigning himself to never being known.

But he also doesn't know if he can survive being known either, if anyone like him as ever survived it.

"Since the start of my journey, I had always been treated by others, but suddenly, the unedifying thought occurred to me that tonight for once, I might try to get drunk all by myself."

...

"I realized that after all, I could not do a single thing by myself, and this made the delicate taste of the entrails even more memorable."

We don't do anything on our own, love.

[gaiagrimory]

My ramblings

So, today I woke up wanting to talk a little about my practice...

I feel like I should feel more comfortable or open talking about this on my own blog but sharing about my personal experience with others isn't exactly my forte. Excuses aside, I continue.

I've been thinking lately about how the aspect of popular culture can affect esoteric work, I say esoteric because the word witchcraft still sounds a bit out of place in my practice. The truth is that, it strikes me how having an element of popular culture within your practice suddenly seems to invalidate in the eyes of other witches the work that one is doing or even the path that one is following.

In the case of my practice, when I did not even consider it as such, it began in this way and today some vestiges of that practice have remained.

The truth is that, in my opinion, technology and popular culture are things that evolve with us, with human beings, and it is normal that practices, even in these areas, end up evolving with it. I am not saying that the traditions are no longer valid, on the contrary, I believe that both the tradition and the new practices are aspects that should work together in order to create a richer, broader path, or simply a path.

I think it's natural to have doubts in our practice or in the methods we use or that others use, doubt and critical thinking are healthy. But the truth is that in a field such as magic, thinking that there is only one correct way and expecting everyone to stick to it contains aspects that ultimately end up being selfish and limiting.

I doubt we'll always be able to fully understand each other's universe, hell, it's actually basically impossible, but I think that if we can learn to respect the path that others take while maintaining our own opinion, we could become more tolerant, kinder people. .

I think I want to open up to talk more about my practice, which has evolved a lot in recent years and something that has favored it was that aspect of popular culture that I would like not to have to continue leaving aside for fear of someone else's opinion or of the rejection that it can generate. I don't know if in the end I will keep my word 🤭 but at least I want to try and be open in this space that I create for myself.

(forgive me if something doesn't make sense i google translate this 🤣 didn't have the patient to do it myself)

[stories-poetry4all]

After I got pregnant with his puppy, he rejected me and had another she-wolf mark him.

Today Jace is coming back from alpha training.

Everyone in the pack is on their toes to welcome back their future alpha, and the wide grin on Luna's face makes my heart dance with happiness.

I love her.

I, on the other hand, I'm anxious. I turned seventeen three days ago and I haven't smelled my mate yet. That's a relief to me because I want it to be him.

Jace is the only person I see myself with. I have been asking the moon goddess to make him my mate since we were young.

There was always a raw connection between us that made his parents, and most people in the pack believe that the two of us will end up being mated.

I'm scared. If I spot him and he turns out not to be mine, I will die.

I have loved Jace for as long as I can remember, and I am positive he felt the same way. Though we never admitted or acted on our feelings to each other, so if we didn't get to be mated, it would hurt less. That was 2 years ago before he left.

I don't know how he turned out to be, but I want him to return as the Jace he was. My Jace.

I miss him so much.

"Hurry up dear, we only have an hour," Luna impatiently affirms, but the smile on her face doesn't alter.

"Yes Mum", I answer enthusiastically, rushing to my room to get ready.

Oh, Goddess! An hour is so little time for me.

I need to look my best. Luna bought me a dress I should wear and I made sure to choose his favourite colour.

I know everything Jace likes and I'm going to make sure I achieve each one of them in the little time I have.

I have been living with the Alphas family since I was five. I don't remember anything about where I came from or who my parents are.

Luna said they found me in the woods alone crying. They decided to take me home in case someone came to ask me.

No one did though. Sadly.

So being the good people they are, they agreed to raise me as their own along with their son Jace. Who is two years older than me.

I have never tried makeup before, but Luna took her time yesterday to train me on how to do it. I chose a blue short flared dress that matches the colour of his eyes and also his favourite.

Goddess! He loves my long dark hair.

I let it fall in curls down my waist and the stupid grin on my face refuses to go away. "I'm so happy!" I shout falling face down on my mattress and burying my face in my fluffy pillows.

He left his phone behind. At the training, they don't allow them to have phones. I wish I could talk to him. We can't mind link either because of the distance.

It could have been easier if we communicated.

"I can see that sweetheart" I quickly turn around to her voice and her face mirrors mine.

"Do you think he is the one?" I sit up, flashing away the fear in my eyes. But my voice carries enormous hope.

"Of course baby, the moon goddess is not that cruel you know" Jace mum walks towards the mattress and sits beside me.

She is beautiful. Jace took after her blue eyes and brown hair. Poor Alpha got nothing.

"Listen, honey, I want you to be optimistic. I want this smile to remain no matter what today turns out to be. Just remember everything happens for a reason" She squeezes my hands and I sigh.

I don't want it to turn out differently than expected.

"They are here, you have your gift ready?" She quickly stands up and my heart beats. What does he look like? Does he still love me?

"Yes," I nervously headed to my closet to get the red box that contained my surprise gift for him.

My heart is about to break from the cages of my ribs. I'm sweating like crazy and my nerves are all over.

Please be mine. I keep chanting in my head.

"Come on" She takes my sweaty hand and I feel my wolf stir. She has been restless since morning. I bet she is happy to meet him too.

"I'm scared" I whisper watching my steps. Mother thought these heels would go well with the dress. I hate them.

What if I have to run to him and mistakenly trip?

The front doors open and the fresh air immediately hits me. I take in a greedy deep breath and it helps me relax a tiny bit.

Every member of our pack is present and keeps themselves busy with one thing or another.

My ears perk up when the sound of a roaring engine is heard and I swallow nothing. I can feel my heart in my ears.

I untangle Mum's hold and wipe the invisible sweat from my forehead.

Today is the day that will break or make me. All the years we shared, our memories, the longing we had for each other, but we chose to keep our sanity.

Goddess, please.

My heart stops when a blue Ferrari passes the gates and is followed by two black SUVs. His security.

My Jace.

It's him.

My wolf instantly comes forward due to the incoming intense scent.

It's strong, it's addicting and it makes me weak in the knees. The strong smell of wood mixed with masculine cologne.

"Goddess! " I breathlessly whisper, almost falling to my knees.

She heard me. She made him mine.

I can't move. I stand still and wait.

It's like the world around me is rotating. A nervous grin breaks on my face, followed by a giggle and I'm suddenly laughing like a crazy idiot.

Tears of joy breams in my eyes and I feel like screaming, howling, or letting out some reaction.

Everyone is watching, anxiously waiting for the perfect moment when he steps out.

The car finally stops and so slowly, the door opens.

My eyes have never looked this hard. The first thing he does when he comes out is look directly into my eyes. It's like he knew where I would be standing.

His eyes shine in recognition and mine does the same. My wolf slowly whispers the four long-awaited words and my grin widens to its full extent.

"Mate"

Jace is different. He is a lot more grown than he was when he left.

Slowly and steadily, I take a step forward then another. His face is still, he doesn't show any emotion and I wonder if my imagination is playing tricks on me.

Jace wouldn't be standing there and blankly looking at me, especially when we are finally mated.

It was our big dream and our main plea to the goddess.

Something changed.

It's confirmed when he turns around and opens the other door of his car. The action makes me hesitate in my movement. A shining red stiletto steps on the ground, followed by long creamy legs. Then nude thighs and finally the shortest red dress I have seen.

A woman's figure finally appears, with long red painted nails, blue dyed hair and finally red smudged lips stretched in a wide smile.

I watch in horror as my mate stretches his hand forward and she gladly takes it.

What is happening?

Chapter 2

I take a stumbling step back. My tight grip on the supposed gift grinds it into a ball of useless paper, but it does nothing to console my tensed muscles.

I can't watch this.

I slowly turn around and dash to my room. The only place my stupid mind leads me to. Everyone is occupied with the perfect view to notice the young girl in distress.

I don't believe what I just saw.

Is he silently rejecting me? How will Jace get himself a girlfriend of all the people?

The pain I feel in my body is unbearable.

My heart is aching so badly that I want to rip it out. I wanna cry but my tears refuse to oblige. This is shocking and I could never have imagined this would happen in my whole lifetime. Especially with Jace.

It can't be.

Jace would never hurt me.

I lock the door and slide on it until my butt touches the cold floor.

The window on the right side of my room forcefully opens and my gaze immediately lands in that direction. I didn't even smell him. I quickly stand up a bit nervous when I look into his black eyes.

They are as black as coal signifying his wolf is in full control. How could he allow our mate to take another she-wolf instead of us?

He is supposed to protect us.

"Mate" he whispers, hurriedly covering the distance between us. I don't move. I just stare at the boy I have loved all my life in sheer wonder.

He grew his hair. My Jace went ahead and pierced his ears, he is no longer the innocent boy I knew. feck! He used to hate tattoos, but this Jace had almost his whole body covered in them. Was it out of peer pressure?

Maybe I don't know him anymore.

The moment he touches my arms. It's like a big pull forces me towards him and overwhelming emotions take over. At that moment of weakness, my wolf takes control and everything else becomes a blur.

*

"I'm sorry, it shouldn't have happened" he regretfully whispers while putting on his clothes. How I ended up nude on my bloody mattress, only my wolf could answer that.

From how shattered clothes are dispersed around the room and my aching body, my wolf went far. I don't blame her though. She's three days old and I haven't even shifted yet. She is still completely primal.

"Jace" I plead in a whisper to earn his attention.

"No one should know about this. You being my mate doesn't change a thing, Ariana. I have a girlfriend now" he never said my full name from the beginning.

The moment I told them my name he had turned it to Ana and it stuck. Also, Jace never used that voice on me. The cold commanding and threatening tone.

"You are my mate" I mumble in defeat, finally finding the courage to cry. I slowly got out of the mattress and fell into his arms. Jace does not hold me back and my heart aches more.

Is this really happening?

He looks down at me like I'm irritating him. "Please don't leave me, Jace, we wanted this right? We waited for so long for this Jace. We're finally mates" I desperately shake his arms like it's gonna snap sense back into his head.

I must look pathetic right now. He never wanted to see my tears. Right now he is staring at them completely unaffected.

"I don't need a mate, and this stays between us. My parents or anyone else can't know Aria. Don't you dare open your mouth? You wouldn't wanna test me" he forces the words out through clenched teeth. The veins on his forehead are popping and his hands are tight fists on his sides.

"Then why did you take my innocence?" I ask in exasperation not letting his body go. My body is nude and in pain, but I don't care right now.

"If you have a girlfriend, why take advantage of a mate you don't want, only to threaten her?" Goddess, he is hurting me. Can't he see that?

"Ask my wolf that" he rudely interjects, his voice the one I don't recognize. He regards me with no tenderness or guilt at all. Is this what he turned into? An inconsiderate son of a bucket?

Jace does one thing that finally breaks me more. He violently pushes me and I stumble on the floor with a hiss.

Oh! Goddess! I must have a terrible dream.

"Get out" I grit, pulling the sheets to cover my already exposed body. He is so shameless to stare at what he does not want.

With one emotionless glance. He walks away and It's like he just took my heart with him. I carelessly lay still and wail harder than I have ever done. He can't do this to me.

It was supposed to be beautiful. We were supposed to be special but he ruined it.

Jace took what he wanted and tossed me away like I didn't matter. I was living in my fantasies all this time. I have waited for him for two years. Counting every second until the moment I saw his car.

You can't do this to me, goddess. I have never hurt anyone.

I cry until I can't anymore. My wolf keeps whining but there is nothing I can do to help her. I don't know how I will get through this. It's pure torment, especially when it comes to someone I trusted with everything in me.

It's still noisy outside, probably the pack is having the meals now. Celebrating the return of their alpha together with his fake mate.

I slowly stood up and after locking the door and all the windows, I set a warm bath for myself where I drain more of my misery away.

*

"Are you okay honey, you look pale" Luna asks, opening the windows and pulling away the curtains, causing immense light to take over the darkness in the room.

"Just tired" I sigh, tiredly sitting up. My mind and body are completely worn out.

I can't believe he did that. And he had the guts to threaten me.

" I know it's hard dear, that's why I let you rest yesterday. Sometimes life doesn't always give us what we want. You have an amazing mate out there sweetheart, just like Jace found his" She rubs her palm on my back in comfort, but I quickly pull away from her touch like it just burned me.

I wish I could tell her his son is the one but I can't. Instead, I silently walk to the bathroom. I need another shower. Anything to keep me in my room.

I can't sit and listen to her useless advice and unnecessary console.

"Come for breakfast after you are done, okay?" I block her voice away and instead listen to the sound of the splattering water on the bathroom floor.

I don't know how, but he is going to regret hurting me. I bitterly think to myself and my silent wolf forcefully pulls up.

My body trembles in pain and thick black veins appear all over my skin. I gasp in horror looking at the bathroom glass wall and I'm perplexed to see my eyes completely black.

It's painful, I want to scream, but it's like my voice is stuck in my throat.

Then after a minute, a cooling sensation washes all over my body, making everything disappear. The pain and the veins are no longer there, and I'm back to my human form.

My body tiredly slumps on the floor and I feel so overwhelmed. I have never felt this way before, even when I was shifting.

What is wrong with me?

Chapter 3

Three months have passed and my life is more miserable.

I do everything in my power to stay invisible to everyone. Good thing, Jace took his chosen mate to the pack house.

I don't know how I could have survived if they stayed here. Most of my time is spent in the garden and watching movies in my room.

Luna and Alpha don't bother me either and I'm thankful for that. They think I'm still hurting with how the events turned out. I just wish they knew.

Since the day he rejected me, I cannot see Jace. I make sure my door and windows are completely locked every time he comes to see his parents. It's to my advantage I'm able to smell him from a mile away.

Unfortunately, today I had to go out. To be more specific, I needed to come to the pack hospital.

Two months ago I had an inkling that I was pregnant, but I refused to accept the fact. How will I take care of an unwanted child at seventeen?

It's a miracle I had completed high school before his return. It could have been a shame going to school with a swollen stomach.

I know his parents will surely ask who is responsible since they still believe that I'm not mated. On the other hand, I can't keep hiding it anymore. Alpha kids are born in six months while other wolf babies go up to eight or nine.

The pregnancy was inevitable. Alpha wolves tend to impregnate their mates on their first mating or when they complete their mate bonds.

I should have searched for pills but I didn't know who to ask. Also, it could have raised a lot of questions if I came to the pack doctor because werewolves rarely use them and no one knows I'm already mated.

My tummy is now visible and I have to wear big sweatshirts to hide it. I even learned the art of masking my scent, so my secret would remain hidden. I think now it's becoming impossible.

Yesterday Luna got suspicious, and she was about to start interrogating me when her phone rang. I had to run to my room and pretend to be sleeping.

Today I woke up so early before everyone else could and here I am. Worriedly staring at the man who has been running endless tests on me.

"You seem weak, do you eat well? You don't get enough rest too don't you?" He carefully looks into my eyes and I'm sure they hold no ounce of life. I feel like I'm a walking dead.

"I rest a lot and I never miss my meals" I instantly lie but he sees right through it. Who am I kidding? Sleeping is like an unimaginable miracle for me. My wolf is the one who keeps us going, I rarely eat. She is a strong wolf and I'm dying to meet her.

I don't know why I didn't shift on my birthday though. She just made her presence known within me but never came out.

"What happened to you Anna, did you find your mate? Did something happen to him?" I look down at my fingers and blink away tears. I can't answer that.

How will I tell him the truth?

" Does Luna know about this? I'm sure she would have brought you here sooner" the man continues pressing and I feel my composure wavering. No one knows what I'm going through.

"No, no. I'm okay really. You don't have to involve her in this" I quickly stand up and pick up my jacket from his table. I took it out when he wanted to draw blood from my arm.

"Sit down, Ana. They are here" My blood ran cold at his words. They will be upset that I lied to them.

"I have to go" I turn around to the door and there they are, Alpha, Luna, and the idiot himself.

"Why didn't you tell us?" she whispers, disappointment clear in her voice, and my heart aches. How will I tell them their precious son is my mate, who got me pregnant and he doesn't want me?

I can't look at him.

By any chance I give birth to this baby, he's not coming close to it. He rejected it when he rejected me.

"Who is your mate, Anna, who got you pregnant?" Alpha tenderly asks, moving forward and my eyes start to water. All kinds of emotions are going through my mind right now and I'm letting them all out through tears.

I would want to see Jace's reaction, but it would be so embarrassing to look at him. I still believe that I'm dreaming and that one day I will wake up to a grand reality.

"I.. I... he left" I stutter with a sniffle.

"Was he from this pack?" Luna walks in and drapes her arm around my shoulder. It hurts lying to them. It hurts that he is standing right in front of me, but he is not saying a word.

I remain quiet and instead, my crying becomes louder.

Without another word, I gently straighten from her embrace and walk out without looking back. It's better if I don't see him.

An immense pain erupts in my lower abdomen and I quickly sit up panting for air. What is happening?

It's only four months, it can't be labour pains.

The same pain reappears but this time, so unbearable that it has me screaming my lungs out. It's different from the one I keep experiencing. I concluded that maybe it is my wolf seeking to be let out.

Then again, the dark veins and eyes scare life out of me. I have never seen something like that before

It doesn't take long before the door bursts open and Alpha rushes in. His eyes widen in fear when he spots blood staining my sheets and the next thing I know, he is yelling Jace's name.

"We need to take you to the hospital, you will be okay sweetheart, I promise" he assures me moving closer but a loud growl l don't recognize, leaves my mouth causing him to take a fearful step back.

Strange.

"Jace" he yells again louder, pulling out his phone in the process.

"Why is this boy so stupid? " he screams, throwing the phone across the room and tries to move closer again, but my wolf won't allow him. " I'm going to kill him" he angrily mumbles to himself pulling at his hair.

"Let me help you, sweetheart," he whispers, holding his hands forward to show he is not a threat. Just like it happened when I conceived this child, my wolf takes complete control and half-shifts, alpha lets out a gasp and his eyes widen in fear.

My body is covered in black fur. My nails are black too and so sharp I'm scared they might hurt me. Werewolves don't have a shift, they are either in full wolf form or human.

It's strange to me, but I have no time to ponder about it when the pain strikes again.

Blood continues to seep through my clothes which are on the brink of tearing. I slowly get off the mattress with the intent of saving my pup. I can't let it go, it's my only hope.

More figures appear from the door and one of them is Jace. He has bloody hands and what causes more pain in every inch of my body, is the fresh wound on his neck.

He let her mark him despite knowing the consequences. He knew the pain I would have to suffer but did it anyway.

This is like a wake-up call for me, he meant it when he said he doesn't want me. How else would he harm us in this undeserving way? At least he could have let the baby live.

That mark is the cause of the turmoil I am in right now. Goddess please, at least save the child.

My wolf releases a loud warning growl and everyone steps back. I can see the fear in their eyes but I don't understand why. She is not whining about her mate anymore. Her priority now is to protect her pup and her human.

"How dare you?" A hard punch lands on Jace's face but he doesn't fight back. His gaze remains on me and for the first time since he arrived, he is not acting tough anymore.

He is crying.

"How dare you reject your pregnant mate for such woman, and let her touch you, Jace?" Alpha angrily shouts, raining punches on his son, and everywhere goes silent. Horrified gasps fill the air and I take that as my cue to leave.

I can't stay and have everyone stare at me with pity. Or fear.

Gradually, I start for the door while tightly clutching at my hurting stomach. I feel my strength fading, but I keep reminding myself that I need to get out of here before he hurts me more.

"Sweetheart, the doctor is on the way, sit down please" the crying Luna takes a step toward me but my wolf releases a snarl baring her teeth at her.

Everyone hesitantly makes way for us, sympathy and concern coating their features. Especially the females. I don't care if I die right now. I already lost everything that matters to me.

I leave a trail of blood behind me as I carefully take the stairs one at a time.

"Ana please, I'm sorry" his voice whispers behind me but I don't look back. I need to save my baby.

When we managed to reach the front door, I don't know where the strength suddenly came from, but my wolf started jogging through the thick forest.

Her movement is nimble and blurry.

The pain and the bleeding don't stop and I'm sure as it will be too late before I get any help. No one from the pack follows me. With the speed my wolf is going, I doubt anyone will surpass us.

I have never witnessed a mate rejecting their pregnant female. Especially alpha wolf.

It's something frowned upon and also, alpha wolves are most overprotective of their mates.

A speeding car almost knocks me down but instantly stops when the driver sees me.

My knees give out as the woman exits her car and rushes to me. I don't have the chance to see who she is because of my hazy sight. My world starts rotating and all I see is black.

Before my senses fade, a loud howl of pain sounds from the direction I came from.

A howl of pain and loss.

[disney-homesick]

Thoughts on Loneliness

TW: Not a happy post. Discussions about my personal experience with loneliness.

I don’t know if you’ve had any similar experiences, but whenever I say to someone that I’m lonely or feeling sad, a lot of the time I get “Oh you can just talk to me! You should have called” or something. I’m guilty of saying the same thing to anyone who confides in me, I genuinely mean it and I’m not saying that others don’t too, but I will never take my own advice.

I don’t want to burden others with something they really can’t do much about, or that isn’t their fault. I don’t want to infect anyone I care about with the sickness I’ve kept contained behind closed doors for the majority of my life.

I know that’s toxic.

I know talking can make it at least feel a little bit better even for a moment.

But the fear of being rejected, or unheard, overshadows my confidence.

It’s guilt. Loneliness, I feel like I’m being selfish. Like that’s not something I’m allowed to feel when I only have myself to blame for it. The only person I had been truly in love with I let slip past. The first person who wanted to genuinely have a life beside me I left because I didn’t accept who I was with them, and hated who I had become.

The saddest thought I keep circling back to, playing over and over at the end of each time I hear a love song, or see affection shared between partners, is that I am not the most important person in anyone’s life.

I’m not the person someone would be running to first if the world came to an end. I’m an extra. A sidekick at best. I’m there when I’m needed and leap at any opportunity for social interaction with those I so desperately crave it from. I was definitely once important, at the “top of a list” for a time, but as of today, my cat might be the only one that does. And I have nobody to blame but myself for that.

My mom would make the argument that she does, that her children are always sharing her Center stage. I believe her, I know her love is genuine and unconditional. But a mother's love is different. Or it is in my experience. I feel like spoiled and ungrateful, like a hypocritical child, that I know I share the top of her list, but I claim to be to at no ones. Her love feels different. But I guess you don't appreciate the love you have until it’s gone.

Maybe that's why I deny it, because a child will normally outlive their parents, and that looming threat of mortality scares me so much that I hate myself for even thinking this. That I know she will someday leave me, I'll lose the one person I was #1 for, and that I'll truly be just another extra.

[andswarwrites]

Day 28

I said I couldn’t bare my soul every day.  And I can’t.  But I feel that it is necessary to share one of the most difficult aspects of bipolar disorder: the risk of hurting the ones you love.  I can't speak for everyone with this disorder, only for myself and my own experience.  It's not easy to even put these thoughts into words, they run so deep inside.  I feel moved to open up, however, out of a strange, strong desire to be real.  I'm so grateful I have never acted on the impulses I've felt, and I dread new ones.

I've always had a vivid imagination and an impulsive nature.  As a kid, the imagination would move me to make up stories, and I'd impulsively give people hugs.  What could possibly be wrong with that?  Well when your mind turns on you, a lot, actually.  I'm not talking about when you hear noises, voices and see things, though those are obviously the worst.  I'm just talking about having no control over what you think, what you want to do, and the actual decision-making process. 

Imagination builds up all these scenarios until you're living in a fantasy.  Impulse moves you to react without reflecting.  You see why I say bipolar disorder can make you hurt the ones you love?  And on an emotional high, it can turn you into a manipulation savant, and you can twist people around in order to get your way.  That is not who I want to be.  I want to be decent, forthright, fair.  My personality is comprised of those things, and they remain intact when the storm passes.  But storms do damage.

I have been sane for a while now.  I've been capable of rational thought, of not letting daydreams take over, of dismissing a thought that is not welcome in my brain.  Sometimes it takes a lot more work than I like to admit.  What I have so much trouble wrapping my mind around is how I've been forgiven for what I've expressed to my closest friends and family while I was at my sickest.  They move on, and so must I.  It's only the lurking danger of a relapse that makes me fear tomorrow. 

I've rid myself of a lot of fear that used to overwhelm me, because anxious thoughts lead to panic attacks, and panic attacks lead to sleepless nights, and sleepless nights lead to unbalanced brain function, and unbalanced brain function is not good.  But every time I fall victim to the preying thoughts such as "What if you have another psychosis and this time you actually do this or that?" I have to physically shake my head and preoccupy myself with something more pleasant.

At times it feels like my personality is living in a hostile environment, and that hostile environment is in my brain and heart.  It sometimes feels like I'm a field overrun with thistles, or an endless sandy desert, or an abyss.  I know that doesn't come across outwardly, it's all an inward struggle.  I've found a few men and women to confide in, wise friends who can console and offer practical advice.  And of course my psychiatrist gets it, and he is vigilant about keeping my medication effective.

I used to feed my appetite for mayhem and chaos like it was an insatiable monster.  I'd circle it with my writing, getting closer and closer to the beast.  Then I let it starve.  I took a whole year off writing, except the obligatory novel in November, and then I returned to the writing gradually, carefully, making sure I was the one in control.  When my disorder is in control, I cannot stop the flow of words, and they are charged with poison.  I refuse to be a vessel that contains poison.

That's the matter in a nutshell: bipolar disorder poisons my mind, so on a regular basis I have to completely reject my own mind, conquer it, empty it out on the page, consider it, examine it, and correct it.  Inner turmoil is exhausting.  I cannot carry that burden alone.  I have to share it, and I am most grateful to everyone who lets me do so, however briefly.  I wish I could snap out of whatever is causing the anguish, but as anyone with mental troubles knows, it is not that easy.  It's a process, and it requires patience.

The person who requires the most patience, believe it or not, is myself.  It may seem like I cut myself a lot of slack, but in actuality I am pushing, pulling, cramming, doubting and scolding.  I do see progress, however.  Living with a disorder like this requires a certain amount of planning and flexibility: we need to make plans and schedules and goals, to keep busy, but we also need to take one day, one week at a time, and be willing to alter plans, schedules and goals, depending on how things are going.

When I feel overwhelmed by crowds, and I feel like I have been isolated for a long period of time, that is when I feel the most impatient.  There's a fine balance between pushing out of a comfort zone and pushing into a crisis.  It needs to be constantly re-evaluated.  I'm in this situation right now.  I pushed myself a lot in the last few months, and now I seem to be shut down, in healing mode.  I don't know how long this is going to take.  I hate the uncertainty.  I hate having limitations.  Especially since they are basically figments of my own imagination.  The power my mind has over my body and what it can do scares me at times.

[christian-perspectives]

Confess Your Sins To God

The Israelites often found themselves living in disobedience to God. What did He require for them to turn back to Him? First, they needed to admit their sins and then confess them to God. Just like with the Israelites the Lord also wants us to walk in obedience to Him. So when we stray away from God we too must confess our sins to Him.  But at last my people will confess their sins and the sins of their ancestors for betraying me and being hostile toward me. Leviticus 26:40 Leviticus 26 is divided into two sections. The first one speaks about the Lord’s blessings for Israel’s obedience. And the other section talks about punishments for their disobedience. Before He laid out these blessings and punishments, the Lord reminded them of two of the commandments. The first one dealt directly with their relationship with God. Do not make idols or set up carved images, or sacred pillars, or sculptured stones in your land so you may worship them. I am the Lord your God. Leviticus 26:1 The second one not only dealt with their reverence for God but for their own well-being as well. You must keep my Sabbath days of rest and show reverence for my sanctuary. I am the Lord. Leviticus 26:2

Blessings for Obedience

Look what the Lord promised them if they followed His decrees and were careful to obey His commands. He said the following. - I will send you the seasonal rains. The land will then yield its crops. Leviticus 26:4 - I will give you peace in the land, and you will be able to sleep with no cause for fear. Leviticus 26:6 - And I will look favorably upon you, making you fertile and multiplying your people. Leviticus 26:9 These practical needs went beyond them just living in the land. God’s people would also flourish and grow because of His blessings. But then God ended with the best blessing of all. And I will fulfill my covenant with you. I will live among you, and I will not despise you.  Leviticus 26:9,11 This chapter contains 13 verses of blessings followed up by 32 verses of punishments.

Punishments for Disobedience

However, if you do not listen to me or obey all these commands. If you break my covenant by rejecting my decrees, treating my regulations with contempt, and refusing to obey my commands. I will punish you. Leviticus 26:14-16 As fantastic as their blessings were, the punishments for their disobedience were even greater. First He began by telling them that their crops would fail and their enemies would overtake them. Then He said that wild animals would kill their children and livestock followed by another promise of punishment. But it didn’t stop there unless they would confess their sins to God. The third time He warned them, He promised His punishment would become even more severe. He would send plagues to destroy them. He would also destroy their food supply. God told them that if their acts of hostility continued He would multiply their punishment. In all three instances, He made a statement like the following one. If in spite of all this you still refuse to listen and still remain hostile toward me, then I will give full vent to my hostility. I myself will punish you seven times over for your sins. Leviticus 26:27-28 The Israelites always seemed eager to agree to live in obedience to the Lord. But as time, along with their circumstances came upon them, so did their disobedience.

How About You, Obedience or Disobedience?

Maybe you’ve experienced that same type of thing. You know, when the Lord speaks to our hearts during a church service. Thus, willingly and eagerly we make commitments to Him. Unlike the children of Israel in the Old Testament, God doesn’t reveal the full vent of His punishment to us now. He will, however, reveal it after a person passes into eternity. It is God’s will for every person to join Him eternally in heaven. Every person belongs to Him, even those who believe there is no God. Look what the Lord said through the prophet Isaiah. My hands have made both heaven and earth; they and everything in them are mine. I, the Lord, have spoken! Isaiah 66:2 This chapter in Isaiah gave us a picture of how God’s justice system works. The rest of verse one refers to those who love the Lord. I will bless those who have humble and contrite hearts, who tremble at my word. Isaiah 66:2 Written within the next couple of verses he also continued by talking about those who ignore God. But those who choose their own ways—delighting in their detestable sins. I will send them great trouble—all the things they feared. They deliberately sinned before my very eyes and chose to do what they know I despise. Isaiah 66:3,4

God Expects Us to Confess Our Sins to Him

The Old Testament teaches us how serious God is about blessings and punishment. His blessings begin when we confess and repent of our sins to God through His Son Jesus. I feel extremely bad for those who enter eternity without knowing Christ. Many of them rejected Jesus making themselves victims of God’s promise of eternal punishment. I feel just as bad for those who have walked away from the Lord or those who think they are saved but aren’t. They will also receive that same promise. Look what Paul said in Romans. It is written: As surely as I live, says the Lord, every knee will bow before me; every tongue will acknowledge God. Romans 11:23 Are You Ready to Confess Your Sins to God? Every knee will bow before Him! Salvation is ours if we bow our knee to Jesus and confess our sins to God.  But only while we are still on this earth. Those who enter eternity without the Lord will still bow their knee before Him. And they will probably do their best to confess their sins to God but it will be too late. Dear God, again I confess my sins to you. I know a day doesn’t go by without me sinning in one way or another. Therefore I humbly come before you seeking your forgiveness. Check out these other posts written on verses in Leviticus - Unintentional Sin, What Happens When I Commit One? - Focus Your Life On The Requirements Of God - May The Blessings Of The Lord Be Upon You - The Feast Of Unleavened Bread Read the full article

[darkmulti]

King of Hell

BTS

Series : part 1

Pairing: demon!Jungkook x human!Female Reader x demon!Taehyung x demon!Jimin

Genre: Angst & Smut

Word Count: 4.3K

CONTAINS DARK THEMES!

PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK! READ WARNINGS CAREFULLY!

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A/N: SHAIWJW, IVE BEEN “WRITING” THIS FIC SINCE LAST YEAR, HOLY FUCK. Anyways I hope you enjoy this shitty story:)

These are the warnings for the entire series!! This is a dark fanfic that is not meant for everyone! If these warnings trigger you, please leave!!

Smut Warning(s): multiple smuts, cockwarming, face slapping, saliva kink, thigh riding, humiliation, heavy degradation, dacryphilia kink, threesome, anal, blowjob, somnophilia kink, mirror sex, choking, spanking, hair pulling, rough sex, mix of ddlg, sleep sex, overstimulation, multiple orgasms, squirting, begging, small bits of praising, marking, fear kink, cum shots, cum eating

Other Warning(s): possessive!Jungkook, blood, murder, torture, physical abuse, Stockholm Syndrome, submissive reader

I’m probably missing something...

THIS FIC CONTAINS NON CONSENSUAL SEX! PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!

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Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew this was wrong. But did she care?

No.

The girl laid supine on her boss's desk, sore legs bound around his torso, caging him in. His hand gently kneads her sensitive breast, earning soft moans from her. She grabbed his tie and tugged on it until he leaned down and passionately kissed her. The man gently pulled her up and swiftly wrapped his shapely arms around her body. She pulled away first, eager to catch her breath.

The excessive tension in the overheated room was unbearable. Her head remained low in embarrassment while her boss burned her with his gaze. To break up the tension, she awkwardly clears her throat and hops off his desk. For some reason, she desperately wanted to apologize but stopped herself. From what she remembers, her boss was undressing her with his eyes, so she let him have it. Deciding she’s not going to apologize, she frantically pulled up her skirt and opened the door to leave.

However, her boss was faster than her and instantly closed it again. He cupped her cheeks and attempted to kiss her again, but she stepped away. “I’m sorry, Dr. Kim. It’s getting late and my apartment is far from here, so I better get going. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Taehyung scowled at her. It was insulting to him. No one has ever rejected his touch. He grabbed the hem of her shirt and flung her onto his desk. She groaned in pain, protecting her injured side. Taehyung clutched her face and attached his lips onto hers, kissing her like it was his last time. She instinctively kicked her legs at him, but that made him more belligerent.

“Stop! Leave me alone!” She yelled, throwing her hands against his chest, trying to get him off. Unfortunately, she was no match for him. Taehyung pinned her down without a struggle and pulled her skirt down again. “I tried being nice, princess. But now you’ve gotten on my nerves.” He growled, forcing his cock in, despite her screaming at him to stop.

A sadistic smirk appears on his face as he picks up his pace. His warm cock fitted inside of her perfectly. It was like they were made for each other. He closed his eyes and threw his head back, enjoying the feeling to the fullest. While Taehyung was on cloud nine, the girl was bawling her eyes out underneath him. “T- Taehyung! Stop! It h- hurts!” She sobbed uncontrollably, breath hitching. Her vision started to blur as she felt her energy drain out of her writhing body. She's never endured this much pain.

Taehyung grunts as he pushes himself forward one last time before cumming in her. “Fuck! You feel so good, baby.” He leaned down and licked her tears away. He then created a trail of hickeys along her jawline, down to her collar bone. “How about another round, babe?”

“No, no! Please, no! It hurts!” She hiccuped, putting her hands together. “Please, Dr. Kim. I’ll do anything except for this! I c- can give you money… if you’d like.” Taehyung couldn’t help himself. Watching her beg for mercy was a turn on. “I don’t need your filthy money, slut. Now stay still or else you're fired.”

He ruthlessly entered in again. She let out a painful whimper but didn’t dare to move because her job was on the line. Taehyung held her hips down and quickened his pace. The helpless girl was fighting off the urge to push him away with all her remaining strength. Soon enough, her legs trembled on their own as ripples of forced pleasure went through her body. More tears gathered in her fearful eyes. A minute passed, she was still sprawled on his desk, catching her breath. “C- can I pl- please leave now?” She faintly whispered, on the verge of passing out.

Taehyung pulled her ragged skirt up then pulled her upright. He moved her hair out of her face and tenderly caressed her cheek, admiring her face. “You won’t tell anyone about this, understand?” She sobbed but nodded her head. “Good… get your stuff, I’ll drive you home.”

“No, sir. It’s okay. I’ll call a taxi. You can go home.” Taehyung’s eyes darkened. He grabbed her neck and squeezed it. “You’re making me repeat myself, Y/N. You out of all people should know how much I hate doing that. Now for the last time, get your shit and I’ll drive you home.” He took a step back and followed her to her office. She quickly grabbed her purse and jacket, then they both headed out.

The car ride home was silent. She didn't dare to speak a word. Not after what he did to her. All she could do is keep her head down and play with the hem of her shirt. Taehyung glanced over at her here and there, but he too didn’t speak a word. He looked in his rear view mirror and spotted his best friend sitting in the back, staring at “his” girl. “Keep your eyes off of her. She’s already taken, Jungkook.”

Y/N flinched when Taehyung started talking. “Huh? Are you talking to me?” She asked, confused. Red flags were popping up but she couldn’t exactly jump onto the highway. She bit down on her lip and waited for a response. “Took you a while to detect my presence, Taehyung. I thought you could do better.” She immediately turned around and saw a man sitting in the middle seat, legs spread apart. His long, jet-black hair almost veiled his eyes, and he was covered in tattoos. “Who the hell are you?!” She slightly yells, clearly startled by the man. “I wouldn’t raise my voice if I were you, sweetheart. Anyone who disrespects me will regret it for the rest of their life and afterlife.” Jungkook mockingly said, confusing the girl even more. She turned to Taehyung for an explanation, but he simply rested his hand on her thigh. “Calm down, angel. I won’t let him hurt you.”

“Bold of you to say that, Taehyung. You really think you can take me on?” Jungkook challenged.

“To keep her by my side, I’d knock you over without hesitation.” Taehyung said with a dull expression on his face.

“Don’t tell me you have feelings for this girl. Man, you keep letting me down. First living in the mortal world and now, falling in love. What’s next? Marriage? Family planning? Pathetic, Kim Taehyung. If Jimin were here, he’d be laughing his ass off.”

“If you have nothing nice to say, leave. I thought you didn’t enjoy the mortal world.”

“I don’t, I just wanted to see what my dearest friend is up to. I’m astonished, however. You managed to keep that unpleasant side of yours a secret.”

Taehyung glanced at his girl. Her face was pale and if you looked closely, she was shaking. Taehyung stroked her thigh in a soothing manner, signinally her to calm down. Out of fear, she clings to Taehyung’s hand tightly. This didn’t go unnoticed by Jungkook. He sensed her fear the moment she sat in the car. He enjoyed watching her crumble apart in the passenger seat. She looked vulnerable and afraid, he wanted to ruin her innocent looking face.

“Stop gawking at my girlfriend, Kook. Don’t you have anything better to do?”

“No, I actually don’t. Next month, I’ll be announced king, but until then, I’ll hang around you and this lovely princess.”

From that point on, Taehyung knew he couldn’t leave her alone. If he did, Jungkook would 100% hurt her or even worse, mark her as his own. Jungkook’s one selfish bastard. He will always put himself before others. Taehyung immediately knew Jungkook was attracted to her; he could tell just by observing the way Jungkook looked at her. But he wasn’t going to let Jungkook have her too. Originally, Taehyung was supposed to be king, but Jungkook was stubborn and wanted to fight for the title. Taehyung didn’t want to fight his best friend, so he willingly surrendered.

30 minutes later, he finally arrived at her apartment. She quietly thanked Taehyung for the ride, then got out. However, Taehyung turned off his engine and got out of his car. “I’m staying with you tonight.” Without question, she nodded her head and grabbed Taehyung’s hand. She was terrified of what was going on. Of course she wanted an explanation, but Taehyung seemed to be protecting her. Therefore, she thought it’d be the best to stay with him until she knows exactly what’s going on.

She opened her apartment door and set her purse and jacket on the table. “I’m gonna go shower… Make yourself at home... I guess.” She mumbled the last part and headed to her bathroom until Taehyung stopped her. “Mind if I join?” Taehyung hinted he needed to talk to her so she said yes. Meanwhile, Jungkook plopped down on the couch with his arm behind his head. “Got any bourbon?” He yelled and she responded, “the cabinet behind you has all the liquor I own.”

Taehyung pulled her into the bathroom and hugged her tightly. “I’m sorry! I fucked everything up for you.”

“Taehyung, what are you talking about?” She worriedly asked. Taehyung looked at the door then quickly turned the shower on. “We have to be quiet. He might hear us.” “Please tell me what’s going on! Who is he? How did he get inside your car?!” She whispers as calmly as she can. “His name is Jeon Jungkook. Next month, he'll be announced king of hell. He’s a very powerful demon and currently, he’s looking for his queen. Someone who can be the mother of his children and someone he can somewhat tolerate. Y/N, he has his eyes on you. You need stay around me, so I can protect you. I know I hurt you not too long ago, but trust me on this one. Jungkook has anger issues and if he gets a hold of you, you will be his punching bag for eternity.”

“Demon? King of hell? Are you hearing yourself right now?” She whispers louder, being unable to control her anger and concern. “I’m not lying, Y/N. How else did he get into my car. Do you remember our conversation in the car? He said he didn't like the human world.”

“What about you? What are you?!”

“I’m a demon too.”

“Prove it because I don’t believe-” Taehyung towers over her and his eyes turn black. His teeth become insanely sharp and black, thick horns start coming out of his head. She stood there, staring at his true form. She reached out and touched his cheek which was freezing cold. “Demons are real?” She faintly whispered. “Take your clothes off. He’s coming.” Taehyung’s out of his clothes in a blink of an eye but she didn’t want to remove her clothes. Taehyung heard Jungkook getting closer, so he ripped her clothes off and pushed her in the shower. He followed behind and pinned her against the wall, kissing her forcefully. “He’s looking through the door, pretend you're enjoying it so we're unsuspicious.” She surprisingly listens and returns the kiss. Taehyung picks her up, and she wraps her legs around his waist, allowing him to enter her. “Moan loud for me, baby.” The girl digs her nails into his shoulder and releases her needy moans.

Jungkook was standing in the door way, watching Taehyung fuck the living out of her. What he would do to be in his position. A part of Jungkook was telling him to kill Taehyung and take his place. However, the other half of him knew that it would create a war between the Kim’s and the Jeon’s. Centuries of feuds have been going on between the two families and it finally ended when Taehyung’s father made a peace offering and Jungkook’s dad happily accepted. From there on, Taehyung and Jungkook grew up together as best friends. Jungkook stopped himself from making a big mistake but continued watching the two fuck.

Taehyung came in her one last time before pulling out and cleaning her up with some water. She clung onto Taehyung because she had no more feeling in her legs. Her clit was burning from the overstimulation, but she wasn’t complaining because it felt so good. He carried her back to her room and wiped her body off with a towel. Jungkook went back to the couch and tried to relax his mind. For some reason, her moans kept playing in his head and before he knew it, he was hard. “Shit!” He angrily muttered.

After tucking Y/N in, Taehyung came to the living room to see what Jungkook was doing. Jungkook was leaning on the balcony railing, staring at the full moon. “If you want, you can crash at my place.” Taehyung said, fiddling with his house keys. “Nah, I think I’ll stay right here… By the way, your girlfriend is hot. If she ever wants to have a threesome, tell her-”

“She doesn’t, Jungkook. One man is good enough for her.”

“That’s too bad. Well, tell her if she gets tired of you she can come to me any time and anywhere.” Jungkook cockishly smiled, raising one eyebrow. “Stop with the jokes, will you?” Taehyung's voice got deeper because he’s had enough of Jungkook’s irritating comments. “I’m going to bed now. Sleep on the couch or wander on the street, I don’t care. Just don’t kill anyone.” Taehyung said before leaving Jungkook alone on the balcony. “I'll try not to.”

Taehyung opened the door and saw Y/N struggling to fall asleep. He quickly got into her bed and pulled her into his comforting embrace. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’m here now.” He carefully laid her face on his chest then ran his fingers through her smooth hair. “I love you so much. You don’t even know how long I’ve been watching you.”

“How long?” She whispers back. “First year of university was when I first saw you. Ever since then, I’ve been looking out for you.” She giggled and wrapped her arms around his body. “Why didn’t you talk to me?” Taehyung smiled, remembering why. “I’m a little shy.” She climbed up his chest and kissed him on the lips. “Is he gone?” She asked, tracing lines on Taehyung’s chest. “He’s gonna crash on your couch. Sorry about him, sweetheart.”

“It’s okay.”

Soon, silence took over the room and the girl fell asleep on Taehyung’s chest. Taehyung continued to play with her hair and trace her back until the door slightly opened. He saw Jungkook in the doorway and sighed. “What do you want now?”

“Her.”

Everything happened rapidly. The door swung open and all Taehyung saw were 2 red eyes staring him down. Before he could react, Jungkook knocked him out and pinned the girl’s body down. He entered into her sore cunt, causing her to wake up. As soon as she saw Jungkook’s face, she started to scream and fight. “Stop! Taehyung, help me!” She shook Taehyung’s body, but he was unresponsive. “What did you do to him?!”

“Shut up and cooperate with me or else I’ll take you to hell.” Jungkook swiftly got into a better position and let his raging boner free. The bed frame began banging against the wall harder and harder each time. Y/N was in a state of shock. She didn’t know what to do. Jungkook viciously thrusted into her and held her down by her neck. “No! Please! Stop!” Jungkook flipped her around and took her from behind. He spanked her ass multiple times, leaving his hand print on her skin. He pulled out and got up from the bed, dragging her along with him. “Look at yourself, you fucking slut.” Jungkook pulled her hair and forced her to look at herself in the mirror. “Watch me fuck you, slut. If I see your eyes aren’t open, I’ll slit your family's throat and send you pictures.”

“No! No! Please don’t! I- I won’t close my eyes, I promise.” Jungkook thrusted in again and had no mercy on her. Tears were rushing down her face but didn't once close her eyes. Jungkook deliberately went faster seeing if she could handle the pain. It took a lot out of her, but she didn’t want to put her family in danger so she listened to every order. Jungkook continued fucking her hard. He could sense the fear that was taking over her body. She was shaking and silently crying, but it merely encouraged him to go faster. At last, he pushed his whole length in and came deep inside her. She squirted around him and collapsed on the floor. “No more, please” “Get on your knees, now!” She whimpered but got on her knees. Jungkook didn’t waste a second to shove his whole cock in her mouth. He grabbed her face and started fucking her throat as fast as he could. After some time, hot cum was running down her throat as he finally pulled out. The poor girl was choking on her own saliva when Jungkook clutched her hair and spat in her mouth.

Jungkook wanted to go for another round, but someone hit his head, knocking him out. Jungkook fell to the floor, revealing a conscious Taehyung. He immediately picked her off the floor and hugged her tightly. She started sobbing on his shoulder. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, baby. We have to leave.” He quietly spoke. Taehyung quickly cleaned her up and gave her some warm clothes to wear. He carried her out of the apartment and into his car. He quickly dialed someone’s number and stepped on the gas.

“Hello?”

“Jimin! Take your fucking brother back to hell. He’s lost his fucking mind. He knocked me unconscious and raped my girlfriend.”

“Holy shit! Where is he?”

Taehyung quickly informs Jimin of Jungkook’s location.

“I’ll pick him up. Just find a safe place, Tae.”

“Yeah, I will.”

—————————————————-

After receiving the call from Taehyung, Jimin rushed to Jungkook. He was still on the floor, passed out. “How hard did you hit him, Taehyung?” Jimin muttered before bringing Jungkook back to hell and chaining him up.

Jungkook woke up with his head pounding. He groaned and looked at his surroundings. “What the hell?” He spoke in a raspy voice. “Wake up, brother. Taehyung informed me you were up to no good.” Right, that bastard Taehyung, he thought. Memories of last night came rushing to his head and he couldn't help but smile. “Where’s Y/N?” Jungkook asked, replaying last night in his head. “Y/N? As in Taehyung’s girlfriend?”

“Don’t call her Taehyung’s girlfriend. Soon, she’ll find her way back to me.”

“Brother, I knew you were absurd, but fucking Taehyung’s girlfriend? Really?”

“You’ve never seen her before, so you won’t understand. But as soon as you get close to her, I ensure you, you won’t be capable of controlling yourself.”

“I’ll see for myself.” Jimin said before getting up and closing the heavy metal door, leaving Jungkook alone.

————————————

1 month later

After the incident with Jungkook, Y/N and Taehyung got into a serious relationship. Every single day, Taehyung worked on becoming stronger to protect his beloved. He felt remorseful for placing her in this kind of situation, so the least he could do is protect her. Y/N was deeply in love with Taehyung. At first, she kept telling herself she only wants him around so he can keep her safe, however she couldn’t help herself. She let go of what he did in the past and focused on the present.

“Taehyung! I’m home!” Taehyung pops his head from the kitchen and she swiftly runs into his embrace. “I missed you.” She pouted her lips and kissed him. “Guess what?”

“What?”

“I missed you more.” She giggles at his response and pecks him all over his face. Taehyung picked her up and sat on the couch with her on his lap. A sweet make out turned into a heated one quickly. She tugged on his shirt then removed it for him and he did the same for her. “How about we try something different?” Taehyung placed her on one of his thighs and placed both of his hands on her ass. “Ride my thigh, angel.” She started moving slowly, unsure of how it might feel. Once her clit started getting some stimulation, she kept going faster and faster, falling apart in Taehyung’s arms. She clenched and came around nothing while Taehyung attacked her tits with his mouth. He left a trail of hickeys all over her upper chest. Taehyung came in his pants just from watching her and feeling her juices leak onto his thigh.

They both eagerly kissed each other until Y/N pulled away. “Can we go out for dinner? I don’t feel like cooking today.” She panted, playing with Taehyung’s hair. “Of course we can.”

——————————————-

The long-awaited day had finally come. The crowd was larger than it ever had been. Everyone came down to watch the ritual and pay their respects to the new king. Torches were pointed downward, symbolizing death. In the middle of the stadium, there was a massive platform. On the platform, there was a throne, a crown, a pentagram and a tied up angel for the sacrifice. Jimin and his father stood side by side, wearing black suits. The crowd went silent when everyone detected a compelling, cold presence. Jungkook revealed himself from the shadows in his true form. He was shirtless with only a thin fabric wrapped around his waist. He walked to the platform and laid down on the pentagram. Everyone knew, this was the beginning of a new chapter.

Moments later Jungkook was screaming in pain. His body became a portal for all the previous kings. They were passing their abilities down to him, resulting in Jungkook's chest and back being burned. Everyone in the audience stood up and started chanting. Jungkook sat upright and headed towards the angel who was pleading for mercy. He manipulated his sharp nail and slit their throat, killing them in a matter of seconds. He attached his mouth onto their neck as the chanting got louder. The warm, thick liquid gliding down his throat was incredibly addictive. Jungkook could feel his power triple in seconds. He tossed the deceased angel away like a rag doll then faced his people. He stretched his wings and grew out his horns.

“I am honoured to be your new king. Thank you to everyone who came to watch the ritual. Please know I’ve acknowledged your presence and respect. I greatly appreciate it.”

Everyone applauded for Jungkook. Surviving the ritual requires an enormous amount of strength. Jungkook has proved to everyone that he is worthy of being king.

——————————-

“Are you ready? I feel like I’ve been waiting forever.” Taehyung said, sitting down on the couch. He was dressed up in his black suit and tie, looking flawless like always. 5 minutes had passed, and he still hadn’t heard a word from her. “Angel? What’s taking so long? Do you need help with your dress?” Taehyung walked back to their shared bedroom only to see Jungkook holding her down with his sharp nail on her neck. “I’m giving you two options, Taehyung. Let me have her, and I won’t hurt her or, she dies, I take her back to hell and torture her for eternity. What will it be, Taehyung?” All Taehyung saw was red. Without realizing, he changed into his demon form and attacked Jungkook. He managed to get him off of her, but strength and power wise, Taehyung was no match. Jungkook punched him over and over, until his nose and jaw was broken.

“Fuck you, Jungkook. I let you have everything! I gave it all up for you because I wanted to be a good friend! One good thing happens in my life and you fucking take it away!” Taehyung yelled, managing to punch him one last time. Y/N sprinted off the bed and rushed to Taehyung’s side. She didn’t care that Jungkook was there, all she cared about was Taehyung. “Taehyung! You’re bleeding! What should I do?! Should I call the ambulance?!” Taehyung looked into her eyes and his heart softened. Tears were streaming down her face. She was actually worried about him. Even after he revealed his true form, she stayed by his side. Does that mean she loves him? Taehyung slightly smiled. “I’ll be alright, love. I’ll heal by tomorrow.”

“No, you won’t.” Jungkook interjected as he got up and kicked Taehyung’s head. “STOP!” She screamed, protecting Taehyung with her body. She wrapped her arms around his head so Jungkook couldn't kick him. “C- can’t you see he’s hurt?! Leave him alone!” She bawled. “I’m not going to leave him alone until he makes a decision. So Taehyung, what will it be?” Taehyung wrapped his arms around her waist, refusing to let her go. “There are billions of other people in the world. Why do you want MY girlfriend?!”

“Don’t question me, Taehyung. Now give me her, or I’ll have to forcefully take her.”

Y/N started sobbing on Taehyung’s shoulder. “Please don’t take him away from me. I love him. Please don’t.” She begged, her tears staining Taehyung’s shirt. Jungkook was slowly starting to lose his temper. He massaged his temples then grabbed her arm, prying her off and away from Taehyung. “If you don’t come back with me to hell, I’ll kill Taehyung right here right now. Or better yet, I’ll make you help me kill him.”

Y/N began to shake. “Please don’t hurt him. I’ll go back with you.”

“No! Y/N he’s going to hurt you! Jungkook you can kill me but leave her alone after I die. You break the promise and will die too.”

“No, Taehyung! I can’t let you die! You can’t leave me alone!” Jungkook pushed the girl back and kicked Taehyung in the stomach. “If you want her so badly, you’re going to have to fight me.” With that, Jungkook turned around, picked her up and disappeared. “NO! Shit! Shit!” Taehyung cursed at himself.

Once again, he failed to protect his love.

——————————————————————————

Uhhh, hi🤠

This is terrible and I’m sorry if it doesn’t live up to your expectations. I completely understand because many people have been waiting for this fic to release and it’s not even good. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed what part 1 has to offer. At first, I didn’t want to make this into a series because I’m very inconsistent. However, I had a sickening plot in mind that I really wanted to do, so the next best option was to make this into a series.

I know, not a lot of Jimin was in this, but the next couple of parts will have him.

xoxo,

naina❣️

[dirt-cup-draco]

In His Touch- Fili x Reader

Prompt: Casually reaching out to play with someone’s hair

The sting in your eyes from the abrasive smoke was nearly as permanent as the ache in your bones but you couldn’t find yourself bothered with either as you sat on the dewy grass, a bowl of Bombur’s stew in hand. The fire before you was raging, casting violent shadows against everyone’s otherwise gentle features. Thorin’s hard expression was made further sinister by the flickering of the light and your heart panged in sympathy for the leader you had come to respect so fiercely. 

The dwarves and hobbit around you laughed, hollered, and hooted. Each of them speaking over each other and sending their voices bouncing off of the tall trees above you. Tonight the weather was mild and there was no danger present or near, so much so that Fili and Kili were not stopped even as they shouted and fought playfully. You sighed happily as you leaned against the felled tree stump at your back. It was nearly as wide around as the horizontal span of your arms and made for as good of a backrest as anything. 

Your contentment could not only be attributed to your, nearly, carefree friends and the fine weather. Nor could it only be Bombur’s stew which was often enough to lift your spirits on even the worst of days, especially when the company’s resources became low and rations had to be cut short. Tonight, your joy was brought upon by the beacon of light who was not quite two yards from you, sweat glistening on his brow as he grappled with his brother. 

Fili’s smirk was sharp at the corner but his eyes were bright with mirth and you longed to see that joy directed at you, because of you. It was no secret to many in the company where your heart was being kept. Thankfully, the dwarf himself wasn’t aware of how twisted around his finger you were. You’d spent many of your nights on this perilous journey frightened that you wouldn’t see the next morning and that Fili would never know of your dedication to him, yet when you found yourself with the words on the tip of your tongue the fear of losing him to rejection became more terrifying. 

You could survive anything so long as you could keep Fili in your life, no matter in what capacity it would be. 

Unaware that you had drifted off into a dreamy state, eyes glued to your loved one, you startled easily when Bombur sat beside you, bumping your shoulder with his. 

“If ye stare much longer, I fear your eyes won’t be able to see anything but him,” Bombur chuckled lowly, keeping his voice subdued so the others around you would not hear. You were grateful for it, even on the off chance any of them tuned into your now private conversation.

A warmth crept into your cheeks and it had nothing to do with the fire that was now quite a bit shorter than the last time you’d taken notice, the crackling of the wood now a pleasant instrument in the night’s symphony. 

“I hadn’t even realized I’d been looking,” You admitted truthfully. You were certainly the dedicated moth, but Fili could never be the flame. There was not a single bone in his body that could ever cause harm to someone he cared for and you were gratefully someone he called “friend”. To be more accurate, he was the sun and the moon. You were dependent on his warmth and his light and without him you were certain you couldn’t go on. 

“I think it’s time to tell him, lass,” Bombur spoke gently but firmly, velvet laid over steel. It was one of your favorite traits of your best friend. He was unmovable in many things but he was also tentative and caring. You were grateful that he hadn’t pushed you more on this subject but you could tell he was growing wary of your pining. 

“Now is not the time,” Your voice sounded weak in your ears, the argument flimsy in the face of Death, whom you met with nearly daily. 

“Let us hope nothing keeps you from the future you wish for,” Bombur sighed, lips curled up in loving melancholy. You knew he didn’t mean for the words to bite at your skin and pierce your heart but you also knew he was not wrong in voicing it. 

You lived an uncertain life and “now” was the only certainty you had. 

Fili and Kili had tired themselves out by the light of the moon, their playfighting dying down into insults wrapped in brotherly love and the repetitive bump of a shoulder and now the two had come to sit at the end of the very trunk you found yourself leaning against. Bombur had left you with your thoughts for the better part of an hour and now the very topic of your worries and hopes and feelings was seated a foot away and you were surprised to find his eyes already on you.

“Gehyith, what is it that has you frowning so?” Fili asked, his mustache twitching at the ends as he smiled gleefully, “Could it be Kili’s stench? I told him we’d all die from the severity of it if he does not find a lake soon,” 

You couldn’t help the laugh the bubbled up from deep in your stomach, your head thrown back with the force of your amusement- especially once Kili let out a dignified and offended gasp, shoving his brother off of the stump before he took his leave with only an eye roll. Fili couldn’t help his own chuckle, knowing Kili wasn’t bothered by his comment. 

Kili’s absence brought you relief and a swirling anxiety all in the same breath. Alone time with Fili seemed a precious gift, yet you feared every second with him would lead you closer to your end. Now, you were certain tonight- this stunning, perfect, night- would be your last. For Fili had taken it upon himself to slide closer to you, even going so far as to slide off the stump and sit beside you, his thigh and shoulder warm against yours. Not sure what to do with your hands, you folded them lamely in your lap. 

“How was-” 

You were cut short, a pitiful whimper falling from your lips when Fili’s fingertips drifted delicately against your cheekbone, a strand of your hair pushed behind your ear. His skin was well-worn leather and your stomach was in knots. 

“Come again?” Fili asked innocently, his brow quirked up towards his hairline. His fingers trailed down your neck, his nails making a shiver break out down your spine despite the balmy air. 

“J-just was wondering how you are fairing today,” You mumbled when his path continued to the ends of your hair, his fingers tangling easily there as he played with the loose and wild strands. 

Those rosy lips of his were upturned, his eyes molten gold. “I think it has been one of the best days I’ve experienced yet,” 

Growing comfortable in his affection, you were able to contain yourself enough to jest. “You are ancient, so that must be quite the feat,” 

Your love’s boisterous laugh was your most favorite noise and you felt your smile grow painfully wider. “Y/N, you are so cruel to me,” Fili teased, pulling the ends of your hair and then returning his hand to your scalp to lightly massage your aching head- another permanent sensation you had grown used to on this adventure. His strong and determined hands eased the dull throb for a short while and the relief was so wonderful you let yourself lean against his open hand. 

It was not strange for you and Fili to be close, he was a dwarf who cared deeply for his friends and he was not above pulling each and every one of them close to share hugs, shed tears, and celebrate. You felt some pride, however, recognizing that you had never seen him play with anyone’s hair but yours. It was a treat for you alone and even though it nearly rendered you speechless every time, you were glad for his continued practice of turning you to mush. 

“You know I love you,” You spoke honestly, but the words themselves were innocent enough to Fili’s ears as you had told him this sentiment time and time again without revealing to which depth you loved him. 

“Aye, I know it, gehyith,” He hummed, head leaned back and eyes closed. The low firelight flickered against his throat and you wondered what he would taste like if you placed your lips there. 

“One day I will get Bombur to tell me what insult you have chosen as my nickname,” You giggled, giddy off of his presence. It surely was no help to you when he brought his arm around your shoulder, only to keep his fingers twister in your hair- his hand now cradling your head. 

“One day I will tell you myself,” Fili said with suddenly certainty, his eyes capturing yours with an intensity that made you feel as if you had missed something. 

“One day,” You mimed back, your gaze only parting from his quickly enough to peak at the inviting curve of his mouth. 

It was a promise to yourself, and him, that one day in the future you would tell him that your chest had been empty for months now, your heart having stole away to find a home in the palm of his hand. 

For now, you could not jeopardize the slice of heaven you found yourself in. 

Your future was not promised, yet in his touch, the present seemed to be a gift worth holding onto. 

--

Gehyith = Little Dove My guide to Khuzdul found----> here

[9tzuyu]

closest to me

prompt: coming out to natasha as nonbinary

note: totally meant to write this months ago, but whateverrrr. and yes, i am aware that not all nb people use they/them, this was just my own little work :p.

warnings: being scared to come out to ur sexy redhead russian of a gf :[

i’d tag but i also don’t want to somehow trigger someone :[

thank u moli for proofreading i love u to the moon and back.

. . .

you’d come out to two of your close friends, ones you knew wouldn’t judge you. they’d taken it just as expected, but that was no surprise when you’d known them your entire life. your shared opinions and thoughts were what brought you together in the first place. 

your friends immediately began using your correct pronouns, and you’d never felt more right in your life. it was refreshing to hear yourself being referred by they/them rather than she/her. their constant support made you feel normal again. after so much struggling, things were finally being put into place.

but there was one person, one very important person whom you hadn’t come out to yet, and that was your girlfriend.

natasha.

the thought of having the conversation alone with her was terrifying. granted, you knew she’d never be anything but supportive, but all the what if’s came flooding through with each attempt you made. 

your fingers trembled as you fiddled with the silver chain around your neck, a nervous habit you’d seemed to form over the years of wearing it. 

god you wanted to tell her so bad.

but as you stood in the kitchen, natasha’s hands around your waist, you began to panic all over again. the familiar fear of judgment wrapped around your throat. 

you didn’t know natasha the majority of your life like you did with friends, so you weren’t really sure what her exact opinions on different pronouns were. sure, she was part of the lgbt community, and of course she was supportive of trans people, but it still made you wonder how she’d feel about pronouns that weren’t he/him or she/her. 

“what’s on your mind, baby? i can practically hear the gears turning in your head.” 

you sighed. natasha always knew when you were lying, so you couldn’t make something up off the top of your head. she wouldn’t force you to talk either though. she’d give a push, but nothing more until you were certain you were ready — or in some cases, when she knew it was becoming too much to bear on your own. 

“just dumb stuff. i’ll get over it soon.” 

natasha nodded against your back, containing her concern for now. “you know i’m here.” she whispered, taking one of your hands away from your necklace.

“want to go downtown? we can look at some of the new shops that just opened up” 

you smiled, “sure.”

for the next few weeks, you weren’t seeming to find any relief though, and natasha picked up on it. she tried her best to make things easier for you, but none of it seemed to work. 

time and time again you reassured her that nothing was wrong, that things would clear up on their own, but another month down the road and natasha could still sense that something was eating away at you.

it’d gotten a little more obvious now. you didn’t go out as much with her when she was with her friends. the constant referral to you as something, or someone, you weren’t was a steady reminder of how outcast you’d originally felt when coming to terms with who you are. 

“she/her” felt like a slap in the face every time you heard it. the words were exhausting, damn near agonizing to hear. but day after day you tried to suck it up out of fear of being rejected by one of the very special people you loved most. 

it wasn’t until one sunday night when natasha came home to you crying in your shared bed when she’d finally had enough. her worry was through the roof and seeing you struggle so much pained her. 

she dropped her keys on the nightstand and crawled into bed behind you, securing her arms tightly around your figure. 

“talk to me. whatever it is, i want to hear about it.”

but that only made you cry harder. you couldn’t help but feel more alienated than you already felt. why were you crying over such a stupid little thing? you could already hear the false words slip from natasha’s lips.

“hey, baby. shh, shh, you’re okay.”

you turned your body to face natasha, teary eyes looking into hers. “you might hate me, or think i’m weird, or a freak, or that i’m just confused.” 

your girlfriend gently combed through your hair with her nails. “i could never think those things about you. please tell me what this is about because i have no idea and i just want to help.”

her steady hand movement rubbing your arm while the other twirled your hand between her fingertips eventually brought you to a more reasonable state. 

“you know how trans people typically go by their opposing pronouns?”

“mhm.”

“well... i don’t- i just- god this is so frustrating!” you frowned, unconsciously grasping at the chain around your neck.

“are you trying to tell me you’re trans?”

“no, no, it’s not that. well, i don’t think so, depends on who you talk to. some people like me consider themselves to be classified under the trans umbrella, but not everyone.” 

natasha hummed once more while tracing small shapes against your skin. 

“what do you think of nonbinary people? like, you know, those who don’t use she/her or he/him?” 

she shrugged, and your heart sank for a brief second before she spoke. “i don’t have a problem with it. why?”

“i don’t like being referred to as she/her. my pronouns are they/them. i’m not a man and i’m not a woman... will that ever bother you?”

a smile broke out across the redhead’s face. “doesn’t bother me one single bit. i love you for you, y/n. not for who you think you’re supposed to be.” 

relief was all you could feel. as cliche as it sounded, the weight of the world felt like it had been lifted from your shoulders. you didn’t have to worry anymore, not while natasha was around.

“is this what’s been bothering you for so long?”

you reached over and grabbed a loose red strand, it was your turn to play with her hair. “yeah. i knew you wouldn’t judge, but-”

“what if.” she confirmed and you nodded. 

“does anyone else know?”

“just my two friends i grew up with.”

“no one else?” you shook your head, looping a red curl around your finger. “nope.”

“is that why you stopped hanging out with me, tony, clint and the rest of them? because everyone referred to you as she and her?”

“yeah, felt like a punch in the stomach every time i heard it. made me feel weird, not normal i guess.” you mumbled, almost embarrassed by the confession.

natasha placed a long kiss on the top of your head, rubbing your back for extra support. “they would never judge you, i’d cut them off in a heartbeat if they did. if it helps any, i can ask how they feel about it? poke around some and let you know what they say? then when they don’t have a problem with it, which they won’t, you can come out when you’re ready, yeah?”

you nodded again, although it was slightly hesitant. “sounds good.”

“forgive me if i mess up a couple of times. i’ll try not to make a big deal out of it and just correct myself.” another kiss was delivered to your head.

“oh! last question. promise.”

“yes?”

“when im around other people and you’re not with me do you want me to use they/them? i don’t want to out you when you’re not ready.”

“i swear you’re perfect,” you giggled. “but you can use they/them both when im with you and when i’m not. just try to keep it casual? please?”

“anything for you, sweetheart.”

[shorkbrian]

Taking the risk of scaring you I must go on w my Tama thirst. I just can find a blog to I welcome my twisted self 😭 so Tama... I just want to kiss every part of him, kiss him through his pants, give hickeys to his thighs and after I use him throatfuck myself (I'm sure he'd go limp), I'd just overstimulate him to the point he isn't shy to be vocal, I'd give his balls, inflated or not, much love!! then I'd beg him to go balls deep in a mating press but I'msureIdwastehisseedasIcanthelpbutrub

Bro I am incapable of being scared, there is no kink shaming here ever!

(What to expect - NSFW, safe, sane, and consensual.  You’re hot for Tamaki and he’s BURNING for you babe. Body worship, hickies, throatfucking, overstim. Everything the ask contained basically lol.)

The thing about Tamaki, is that no matter how much he wants, anxiety takes over and stops him in his tracks.

His day is spent thinking of you, your sweet voice, pretty eyes, soft hands.... He’s always so distracted by his thoughts of you, it’s hard to get his job done.

But when he bumps into you, he’s a blushing mess, can barely talk, and usually ends up turning tail and heading somewhere else, just because he doesn’t know what to do. He’s afraid that you think he’s weird, or that he’s weak and limp and can’t compare to the brick houses that are Mirio and Kirishima. That he’s not a real man, can’t even build up the courage to talk to people for more than five minutes without freaking out.

God, you love him though.

So you’ll have to make the first move, have to invite him out for dinner or drinks. At first, he freaks out and shoots you down, stuttering out some excuse that doesn’t make any sense. But it’s obvious that he’s interested in you, so you ask Mirio how to get through to his friend.

Next time, you ask Tamaki to come watch a movie at your house, and Mirio is right there by his side, answering before Tamaki can blush and stumble his way through an apology.

“He’d love to! Friday night?”

Secretly, Tamaki would be thanking the lord for Mirio, but also cursing his existence at the same time. How was he supposed to survive being alone with his crush?

He was going to die.

The movie happened, then another, and then you argued that it was too late for Tamaki to go home, that he should just stay over.

And damn it, Tamaki didn’t know what came over him, maybe he was swayed by your eagerness, maybe it was because he himself was eager and wanting, but he said yes.

You offered to let him borrow a shirt, but it was obvious they wouldn’t fit, so Tamaki walked himself through the five second rule. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - and then he was stripping off his shirt, even though he felt anxious.

Would you laugh at his body? Mock him for being smaller than other heros? He had some muscle, but he was definitely on the leaner side.

To his relief, you breathed out a little sigh, an “oh-” that had the tips of his ears turning red at your tone of voice.

“Tama... can I-can I touch?”

He felt himself bobbing his head, gulping as you stepped closer, greedy hands rising to his chest.

At first contact, he felt goosebumps erupt down his arms, your fingers slightly cold upon his skin. You flashed him an apologetic smile, before suddenly leaning down, placing a small kiss right below his left clavicle.

Tamaki stuttered out an awkward laugh - he felt like he was short circuiting.

Somehow, the two of you ended up in your bed, in nothing but underwear.

The man was beet red, trying to be respectful and not ogle your chest, drool over your tummy, stare and lick his lips with his eyes fixed on the jewel between your legs, the beautiful flesh covered by thin panties.

But you directed his gaze with a soft hand under his chin, a gentle “Don’t you like how I look?”

And immediately he was bobbing his head yes, staring into your eyes when you smiled down at him, directing his gaze to your body with a wave of your hand, giving him permission to shamelessly gaze at your body.

You were so beautiful, he could look at you forever. Tamaki didn’t even know how he got this lucky, being able to share this moment with you, where you both appraised each other’s bodies with awe.

But you were impatient, crawling forward to gently push Tamaki onto his back. Your eyes flickered up to his as your hands ghosted over his chest, as you leaned down until your lips were mere inches from his skin. 

“Is this fine? Tell me what you’re comfortable with.”

And oh god, oh god, this was more than okay. This was everything he could ever want, everything he could ever dream of. 

At his enthusiastic nod, his “I’m-I’m good.... please.” You gave him a soft, loving smile, before touching your lips to his chest.

Kisses were placed everywhere, his chest, the quivering flesh of his soft tummy, his delicate shoulders. You peppered his slender throat with soft pecks, grinning when Tamaki unsuccessfully tried to hold back an embarrassing, keening whine when you closed your lips around his adam’s apple.

“Feels good? Tell me.” But he was too shy, shaking his head as his hands found purchase in your hair. He didn’t have the words to explain how you were making him feel.

You huffed at his forced silence, drawing away from giving little smooches, just so you could look at his face. He was sure his cheeks were red, eyes blown out and huge.

“Tamaki, I want you to enjoy this. If you aren’t feeling good, or wanna slow down, tell me. I don’t want to do anything you aren’t okay with, alright?”

Tamaki felt his heart clench a little - you were so careful with him, so tender. He nodded again, trying to find his voice.

“Yes, yes (Y/N)-this is good. I want.....” He held himself back. What if you weren’t comfortable with this? What if you wanted an out? He didn’t want to force you either, he wanted you to enjoy yourself. Right now though, his thoughts felt jumbled, like his brain was rolling around in a hamster wheel.

“What do you want Tama?” Your voice was breathy as you leaned down to whisper in his ear, and Tamaki almost came in his fucking pants when you nibbled at the lobe. His ears were so sensitive, and he was so embarrassed by the way his hips involuntarily shifted when you continued to give his ear attention.

“I want-I want.... um, more? P-Please?” God, his voice kept cracking, he felt like a teenager again, nervous and awkward and scared of rejection.

But you were there to alleviate his fears with a soft laugh, a kiss to his cheek. “I’ll give you whatever you want.”

And then you were kissing down his body, brushing past his boxer-clad erection-oh god.

Down to his thighs, which you parted easily, helped by Tamaki’s eager movements. He wanted to let you have all of him - just as you wanted to give him anything, he wanted to give you everything.

You latched onto a thigh, a few inches above the knee, sucking at the flesh with a smile, tongue circling and patting and it felt good-

Then you moved to a different area, higher up, intent on sucking a beautiful bruise into his pale skin.

Tamaki had to grab the sheets, already close to cumming from the sensation of your lips against his skin. He wanted you so much, you were so perfect. He tried to hold back his voice, keep his moans and gasps and sighs in check, but it was difficult. Still, he didn’t want to weird you out or anything, so he tried his best.

The man really wanted to hear your own voice, hear you talk to him, walking him through what you were going to do to him, what you wanted to do. Wanted to hear you moan and laugh and say his name over and over again until you couldn’t speak.

For now, he was content with watching you suck at his thighs, leaving messy trails of saliva as you got closer and closer to his dick.

You stopped at the hem of his boxers, teasingly licking over the fabric, before scrunching it up with your fingers, letting your nails scratch lightly against his sensitive skin.

“Oh-” Tamaki breathed, before shooting his hand up to cover his mouth, eyes trained on your mouth. You smiled, lifting your eyes to meet his own, and he-

You were so pretty, so beautiful. Tamaki felt so insignificant in your presence, so lucky. How did someone like you find someone like him attractive?

Those thoughts were quickly purged from his mind as you quickly closed your teeth around the skin of his inner thigh, close enough to his cock that when it twitched, it skimmed against your nose briefly. Tamaki had to tear his eyes away from yours, falling back on the bed to grasp at the sheets, breathing hard as he willed himself not to cum.

Working at the skin between your teeth, you sucked at the flesh, swirling your tongue around it, making sloppy little sounds. Tamaki was going to melt, he couldn’t stop thinking about your mouth around his cock, how your pink tongue would feel digging into his slit, drenching the crown, laving over the veins on the underside.

He was gasping now, a hand clutching his naked chest, eyes squeezed tightly shut, legs twitching.

You pulled away with a sultry chuckle, and this was it - Tamaki was going to get his dick sucked, Mirio would be so proud-

But you moved to his other thigh, starting at the knee again, licking and biting at the skin.

Tamaki didn’t know whether to feel frustrated or relieved.

The process was the same, teasing little bites, hard suction to purple the skin. It all felt good to Tamaki, but as you got close to his crotch, he found himself tensing up, wanting to clench his thighs together and rub his cock.

But you were leading now, and he wanted to follow.

Holy fuck, he wanted to touch his cock though. He was aching, boxers getting a little damp where his tip rested against them. Tamaki felt himself twitching, tender and wanting. 

He couldn’t stop himself from reaching down, quickly palming over his cock as you got closer with you mouth, using your nails again to roll up the hem of his boxers, to right underneath his balls. They scraped over the globes slightly, and Tamaki’s thighs tried to snap shut, stopped by your body between them.

“Sorry, here, let me?” Your hand covered his own, and he let you move it to the side, unable to stop his chest from heaving. He was so worked up already, he felt like he had just finished running a marathon.

Instead of palming over him with your pretty, soft hands, you brought your lips to the bulge, kissing it quickly, drawing back and giggling when it twitched.

“Oh, please-please touch me.” Tamaki didn’t feel bad about begging at the moment, too caught up in the physical sensations, and you seemed to like his voice. 

Without another word, you met his eyes, simultaneously opening your mouth and letting your tongue loll out flat. Still maintaining eye contact, you lowered yourself closer and closer, and Tamaki couldn’t catch a goddamn breath, unable to tear his eyes away from the sight before him.

You were so enthusiastic, licking at his cock through the material of his boxers, grabbing at the fabric with your teeth, pulling it back only to let it go, let it snap against his cock and make him keen. You went from soft, loving kisses to fast licks, closing your lips around part of it and sucking quickly, and Tamaki was losing it.

He was struggling to keep his hips down, to stop himself from thrusting into your face, chasing the heavenly feel of you. It felt so good, he didn’t have words, couldn’t even begin to quantify how he was feeling, other than good good good, and he wanted more.

“Don’t tease, please don’t tease. ‘M so close-” He gasped out, slim hands patting your head quickly, trying to catch your attention as he wiggled underneath your ministrations.

With a laugh, you pulled away, meeting his eyes. “Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you.” Thumbs hooking into the waist band oh his boxers, you couldn’t stop yourself from pulling the band, letting it slap down against his skin and make Tamaki jerk and his lungs punch out a gasp.

“Can I take these off?”

“Yes, yes, anything. Just-just touch me please.” He stumbled over his words, face aflame. “But only-only if you w-want.”

“Oh-” you smirked, beginning to shimmy his boxers down his hips, licking your lips when you managed to free his cock. “-I want to touch so bad.”

And then his boxers were off, and you were gripping his cock with your fucking perfect hands, giving him a cursory stroke that was dry and rough but so fucking good.

“You’re so lovely, everything about you is so handsome.” You spit over his cock, and Tamaki fisted his fingers into the sheets as the saliva hit the head before dripping down his length.

You used your spit to slick him up, running your hands gently over his flushed cock, enjoying the squelching sounds.

Tamaki almost died when you put him in your mouth.

Lips pursing around the head, you twirled your tongue over his skin, lapping at the slit, digging underneath the rosy crown. Tamaki barely had time to process the sensation though, because you were sheathing his entire length down your throat.

“Oh-h god!” he yelped, hips bucking upwards before he could stop them. He felt so bad, you gagged a bit and drew off his cock, coughing. “I’m-I’m so sorry! I d-didn’t mean-”

“Do that again, fuck my throat Tamaki.” You rasped, immediately swallowing him down again.

What if he hurt you? What if-

He didn’t get the chance to be anxious. 

You didn’t like how he wasn’t moving, his muscles tensed as he kept his hips still. Taking it upon yourself, you began bobbing your head, up and down, and Tamaki wanted to cry because it felt so good.

“I don’t w-want to hurt you, oh god, please wait!” He yelped, and you immediately pulled off, spit dripping down your chin.

“Hey, hey, don’t worry.” You breathed, patting his hip comfortingly. “I want you to do this Tama, I’ve practiced. No gag reflex, see?” You grabbed his hand, curling his fingers until only two were held straight, and promptly stuffed them into your mouth, pushing at his wrist so his fingers went as far down as possible.

Tamaki’s throat had never been dryer. It’s like he couldn’t speak, only dumbly nod his head as he felt your throat convulse around his fingers, all wet and velvety smooth. 

You pulled his hand away, licking seductively at his fingers before letting go. “I want you to fuck my throat, please.” You were looking at him with such honesty, such desperation. “I want to suck you off and have you cum down my throat, want it to fill up my stomach Tama.”

The ravenette could barely nod, eyes glassy, chest heaving. He wanted that so bad, you sounded like a vixen, looked like one two, batting your eyelashes at him like that.

You settled between his thighs again, giving his cock a nice, lengthy lick on the underside before fixing Tamaki with a confident stare. “Don’t hold back, I want you to feel good.” 

He was already feeling good, but if you insisted.

Cautious at first, hesitant, Tamaki was afraid of pushing too deep, moving too fast. But you grew impatient again, moving your own head while tapping his hip, encouraging him to speed up.

And he did, a bit, but he was still measuring his thrusts, trying to keep his head steady despite the tight suction of your throat.

You grabbed his hands, guiding them to your head, pressing them flat so he could hold your head. You looked up at him, completely stilling your movements, forcing your mouth as wide as it could go, fixing him with the most intense gaze.

Tamaki got the message.

He gripped your head tight, kept you in place before snapping his hips up, and you closed your eyes, as if you’d finally got what you had wanted. 

It’s like his restraint flew out the window, now that he was confident that you wanted this, sure that it wasn’t hurting you. His balls slapped against your chin, a lewd rhythm of smacks and gurgles and wet sucking coming from your mouth.

Drool was dripping off your chin, onto his balls, over his taint. When the liquid touched his hole, Tamaki shouted, eyes suiting shut as his stomach flexed. He felt so good, this was more than he had ever dreamed of, more than he could've ever imagined.

And then he was cumming, probably far too soon, but you wouldn’t make fun of him, he knew that.  He cursed, holding you flush against his hips, cock twitching against your tight throat as he shot his seed down your throat.

A few last desperate rocks of his hips, and then he was pulling you off, tiredly patting you face as you coughed.

“Are y-you okay?” And you, the angel you were, smiled, giving him a cheesy thumbs up.

“Couldn’t breathe for a second there, but that comes with the territory. Did that feel good though?”

Tamaki nodded, eyes closing blissfully. You were too good to him, too good for him.

Where did he go from here? Should he offer to finger you? He didn’t know how, he never thought he’d be in a situation where he’d be naked in bed with anyone, let alone you, a literal walking wet dream.

“You’re so quiet Tama-” You noticed, a hand stroking over his quivering tummy as he calmed down from his orgasm. “-I kinda want to hear you.”

With that confession, your mouth was on his cock again, slurping and suckling at the sensitive length.

“A-h-h! W-wait! God that’s too-fuck, no, wait!”

You pulled off quickly, wiping your mouth with the back of your hand. “I’ll stop if you want me to, I’m not gonna force you to do anything, ever, okay?”

Tamaki nodded, cheeks flushing. “I just need... a moment. You’re-you’re good with your mouth.”

A smile graced your lips, and you tilted your head. “I still wanna hear you though, you’ve been holding back your voice this entire time. I like it when you lose yourself.”

Another nod, the man biting his lip. ‘I just don’t want to-to scare you off or anything. I’m loud, and I sound-I mean....” He averted his eyes bashfully “-My voice can get kind of-of h-high.”

That was embarrassing to admit.

You didn’t miss a beat, clambering forward until you were laying beside him, face even with his own. “But I like that Tama, I think it’s sexy when you lose control like that.”

The admission made Tamaki gasp, blushing even further, and you leaned in for a kiss, which the man eagerly returned. 

“I-I think you’re sexy too.” Was his lame reply. He wished he was better with his words, could describe how amazing and beautiful and stunning you were.

Your hand fell to his cock, drawing him out of his self-doubt. You were pumping him gently, focusing more attention on his balls, lightly pinching the skin, massaging the flesh, before giving him another stroke.

“I wanna see you cum again, and this time, you’re gonna moan nice and loud for me, yeah?”

Again, you were whispering in his ear, biting at the shell, liking over the cartilage with your warm, slippery tongue.

Tamaki drew in a breath.

“And I don’t want you holding back any of your cute sounds. If you do, I’ll have to make you cum again and again until you’re too fucked out to feel self conscious.” The promise made Tamaki’s stomach burn hot with arousal, and his cock was starting to throb again, hastened along by your helping, smooth hand.

“I’ll-I’ll try.” He whispered, voice catching in his throat. He could imagine it now, him writhing in overstimulation as you sucked at his cock, holding his hips down as he cried and shivered and moaned about how good it felt.

“Then, I’m gonna finger myself while you watch, and when I’m nice and ready, you’re gonna fuck me.”

Tamaki felt like passing out, blood rushing down to his cock so fast that he felt all fuzzy and weak.

“I’m gonna lay back, and hold myself open, and you’re going to stick your pretty little cock deep, and you’re not gonna stop until you cum inside.”

The ravenette had never been felt more turned on in his entire life.

“Sound good?” Your voice was soft, sweet. he knew that you were giving him an opportunity to say no, to express any discomfort or unease he felt.

But Tamaki only felt lust.

With a sudden surge of confidence, he turned to his side, lips seeking out your own. He kissed you desperately, eagerly, probably clumsy but he didn’t care.

When he separated, he paused for a moment, breathing against you while he tried to find words to convey his excitement.

“Ruin me, (Y/N). Make-make me cry.”

[hlizr50]

Update: The Raven and the Songbird

Chapter 6

A little pain relief for everything I've put you through

Read on AO3

When Azriel landed in the training ring he shook his head, exasperated with himself. Now that he was here, what exactly did he plan to do? He couldn’t very well find Gwyn’s room, shake her awake, and beg her to forgive him.

He took a moment to survey the ring, racks of wooden weapons, steel, shields. The Valkyries had grown from desperation to get Nesta on the right track to three females surviving the Blood Rite to a small legion of Illyrians, priestesses, and other fae. They would be outgrowing the space soon, and he pondered that as the stone glowed blue in the moonlight.

Gwyn had never spoken much about the Blood Rite, not that he could blame her. The Illyrian tradition was barbaric under normal circumstances, and much more so with Briallyn’s meddling – with the intention of killing all three of the females. Azriel couldn’t help but grin to himself.

How spectacularly had her plan backfired.

He had not admitted that Cassian was not the only one sleepless and mortified that week, but where the general was a barely-contained force of will and expression Azriel was schooled in hiding his emotion. He’d had to stay stoic – to find Briallyn and Koschei, to support his brother while his mate fought for her life. But his relationship with Gwyn had begun to develop by then, as well. Slowly. It was all he could do some days not to fly in and destroy them all. She had already suffered unspeakable horrors, and the possibility that she had been at the mercy of Illyrian males – bred with a thirst for blood and flesh – had been nearly unbearable.

When that general is finished hurting her she has to feel the soul-crushing terror of watching the next soldier take his place because you don’t come to save her.

He ran a hand through his onyx hair, remembering Nesta’s words. His shadows seemed to wither around him, drooping over his shoulders and wings. How had it come to this?

The shadowsinger sat himself down on the ground, knees drawn up. He rested his forearms on them and gazed at the ink-dark sky painted with stars. Much like his High Lord, seeing the stars had always been a comfort to Azriel – a reminder that he was free from the prison of his upbringing, that he had escaped and had replaced his father and brothers with a family that cared for him and showed him what love and brotherhood really meant.

His found family had grown so much in such a short time. He was grateful for that, for so many reasons. Rhys had emerged from Under the Mountain a broken male and Feyre had helped piece him back together. She had quickly become a glue for all of them, holding them tight and treating them with such love that Azriel was often awed by it. It wasn’t hard defending her, being dedicated to her safety as High Lady. She was far more than a monarch to him.

Then came Nesta and Elain, and what a storm that had been. Cassian and Nesta were meant to be since the beginning, but that path had been long and painful, and not just for his ears and the new… sanitation concerns for public living spaces in the house. Sometimes he was surprised that he counted Nesta as his friend. She had been intentionally hurtful so many times. How often had he seen the pain in his brother’s countenance because of something she had said or done? And yet now he understood her, maybe more than he cared to admit. She had been hurting and afraid and overflowing with self-loathing.

He had hurt Gwyn for those very reasons.

Gwyn.

He felt his shoulders and wings sag with the weight of Nesta’s questions tonight. Accusations thinly veiled as questions, and each one like a carefully crafted throwing knife plunged into his gut. He’d made her cry for at least the third time in as many weeks. Training and working to exhaustion, and not being able to sleep because of the worsening nightmares – nightmares that had cruelly transformed to remind her that he had abandoned her.

Even his shadows felt heavy.

The spymaster hung his head, shame like a blanket smothering him in summer heat. How could he ever forgive himself for causing that pain? It was a fate he had personally prevented, and now she was forced to experience it in her dreams. Because of him. Because he was a coward.

Azriel let his eyes drift closed and focused on his breathing. Sleep would not be an option tonight, and he could only pray that the priestess was sound asleep in the house, getting the rest she so desperately needed. Training didn’t seem to be in the cards either, as he sifted through the torrent of thoughts and emotions. He just needed to sit and think. And in the morning, he would speak with Gwyn as soon as he could. He would fall to his knees and beg for forgiveness if he had to.

“Azriel?”

The inky tendrils flitted to life around him at the sound of that voice. Cauldron damn him, of course she would find him now. But part of him was relieved to be able to talk to her so soon – that she was even here.

“Azriel, are you alright?” His heart squeezed at the softness of Gwyn’s voice, music to his ears – a sweet melody with harmonies of concern and kindness. How could she still be so kind to him?

“I don’t deserve to be asked that. Especially not by you,” he murmured, staring down at the stone between his feet.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Azriel.” Her soft footsteps seemed to echo in his head, a ringing alarm that she was coming closer. He didn’t want to run from her, but his heart was still racing. How could he face her inevitable rejection? He noticed her shadow fall over the space between his legs and when he looked up she was crouching in front of him, eyes shining with sincerity. “You deserve for people to care about you. And I do. I won’t just leave you out here alone when anyone could see the weight of the world pressing down on you.”

Gods, but wasn’t that exactly what he had done to her?

The shadowsinger had no air in his chest as he studied her. The expression on her face was difficult to describe – caring and teasing and scolding all rolled into glittering ocean eyes and the slightest quirk of her full lips. She rose and his gaze followed as she held her hand out to him, beckoning him to stand with her. It took more courage than he cared to admit to place his violence-scarred hands in hers, but their warmth spread through him like sunshine warming his bones as she helped him to his feet.

She didn’t let go, and that gave him the strength he needed.

“Nesta found me at the river house tonight. She had… a lot to say,” Azriel began as he saw color bloom on Gwyn’s cheeks. She looked down to their hands.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean for her to –“ He squeezed her hands and she snapped her head back up to meet his gaze.

“I deserved every single bit of venom she threw at me, Gwyn. Do not apologize.” The shadowsinger looked down, then, unsure how to move forward or which of his many transgressions he should address first. So he asked, “Is it true? About the nightmares? That… that I don’t come for you?” He could feel the emotion catching in his throat, cracking his voice. His eyes burned as he looked back to the priestess. Her lips were pressed together as she tried to keep the silver lining her eyes from spilling down over her cheeks.

“Yes,” she whispered, lashes lowering as the silent tears fell. Each droplet was a nick in his heart, the guilt and pain salting those wounds. How could she be so strong, to endure this agony and yet hold the hands that caused it? He released one of the hands and lifted it to her face, hesitating with his fingers a breath away from her cheek. Azriel had his mouth open to ask if he could touch her when she leaned her face into his palm. He brushed at her tears with his thumb before bringing up his other hand, cupping her jaw.

“Gwyn,” he breathed, pleading silently for her to look at him. The shining pools that opened to him were so enthralling, depths shimmering with trepidation. Gods, what he would do to bring back the joy in those eyes. “I will always come for you. No matter what. And I will never be able to forgive myself that there might be any part of your mind or your heart or your soul that could believe otherwise.” He watched as she took a shuddering breath, but her eyes held his and he was emboldened.

“I’m so sorry, Gwyn. For all of this. I was a fool and a coward and I let my guilt and my fear own me. And it only hurt you.”

Gwyn’s hands covered the scars on his own as she pulled them away from her face, returning them to their place entwined between them. Azriel stayed silent and her head tilted as she studied him.

“What could you possibly be afraid of?” she released a hoarse, hiccupped laugh. The shadowsinger could only gulp down a breath and look toward the stars.

“I… I was afraid of the feelings I was developing for you. And of the pain I would feel when you would see all the things I have done and the monster that I am and run away from me. Or that you would be hurt because of this darkness inside of me.” His eyes had returned to hers and, while he saw understanding swimming there, her expression was uncompromising.

“Have I not been hurt already?” Her bluntness shocked him, and he felt the slightest twinge of panic that told him to run. Her fingers tightened like a vice around his hands and he saw her eyes darken, as if she knew what he was thinking. “Don’t you dare even think about running away, Azriel. Not now. I deserve better from you.” Even his shadows seemed focused on where their hands touched, intent on keeping them tied together.

She did. She deserved so much better. Better than what he’d done. Shame washed over him that he could have thought to flee from her. Again. He had already wronged her… too many times. But he had come here determined to right those wrongs. Azriel wasn’t sure if he would ever be able to give her what she deserved, if he would ever be good enough for her. But he sure as fuck was going to try.

“You’re right,” he conceded, that panic replaced by resolution and a faint, foolish glimmer of hope. “I’m not going anywhere.” She grinned softly and he thought his chest would burst from relief. They were still here, together, talking. They were going to figure this out.

“Why did you run, Azriel? If you care for me, like you say,” she demanded, that sea-deep stare piercing straight into his soul. “Why? Why are you afraid of me seeing who you are?”

He should have known that she would demand an explanation. Gwyn was strong and confident. She knew her worth and what she deserved, and him sharing the story behind all of his idiotic decisions was the very least of that. But he was not prepared, and he didn’t want to. He never wanted to darken others’ lives with his history.

“That’s… a long story, Gwyn,” he huffed, hoping that might be the end of it. But he saw her eyes, determination and challenge and fire blazing blue in the moonlight.

“We have all night.” She released his hands and gestured to the darkness around them. She would not be deterred, would not back down until she accomplished her goal. It was one of the many things he admired so much about her. “Should we sit?”

Azriel found himself smiling as he nodded, sitting cross-legged on the stone. Even though the impending admissions rang as a death knell in his mind, it warmed his heart to know that she cared so deeply – that she wanted to know the worst of him.

He had put her through enough, and he could relive his pain and push out his fear for this night, if only for her.

“I don’t know where to start.” He scratched the back of his neck, a nervous tick he was usually good at hiding. But then Gwyn – that sweet, incredible, special female – gathered his other hand with those long, pale, graceful fingers and he felt the tension ease. He looked at her, taking in the beauty and serenity of her features. Freckles were scattered over cheeks stained pink, an encouraging smile crinkling the corners of her eyes.

“The beginning seems like a good place, don’t you think?”

So that’s where he began.

~~~

Azriel was not proud that he could not find the strength to look at Gwyn as he walked her through his story, but he could still hear and feel her reactions. And he dared a glance at her from time to time, trying to read everything her eyes were saying. He told her about the cell he was kept in as a child, how little touch or affection or love he had experienced, and how the shadows around him seemed to move and react and speak. She clutched his hand tighter when he told her about what had happened to them, that his brothers had set fire to them to see how he would heal. She hadn’t said a word, but he smelled the salt from tears and felt impossibly soft strokes of her thumbs over those scars.

He explained his time in Illyria and the fearsome reputation he and Cassian had to maintain, simply to make up for the circumstances of their birth. And while Cassian had been brute force and power, Azriel was deadly calm, precision, intellect, terror. He admitted to her how he had hoped to find validation in his role as spymaster under Rhysand’s father, and that he could truly revel in his duties under the right circumstances.

“Those soldiers I killed in Sangravah,” he told her. “I would have enjoyed dragging out their deaths as long as possible for what they did to you.”

Gwyn’s hands were so gentle around his as he told her how much the death and darkness grated against his soul, and how he’d had nothing to tether him to the light. He talked to her about Mor, a waste of literal centuries. And then, somehow, he told her about Elain. Not that he’d loved her, because he never had. But that he’d felt entitled to her, like he deserved what his brothers had found with the other two sisters. That he was the third brother and she was the third sister and that was all that mattered. His entitlement, his lust and desire for the bond - as opposed to love for the person - just another ugly facet of his true self.

“So I suppose that brings me to you, to these past few weeks.” Azriel made sure to meet her gaze for this. “I panicked after the necklace, because I wasn’t prepared for what it would do to me to see that hurt in your eyes. And when I told you things would go back to normal I still didn’t know what to do. I thought distance would be best between us, because I knew you would be able to draw me out of myself. And that was dangerous.”

The shadowsinger’s throat burned with emotion when Gwyn smiled softly. He could see so much roaring in her gaze, but there was no sign of pity or disgust or fear. Azriel ran his free hand through his hair before resting it atop their other clasped hands. Wetness burned his eyes, but he didn’t care.

“When I found you in the rain that night, I could smell your tears and I saw your hands – split knuckles and bruised, swollen fingers. And,” he choked down his feelings even as the tears began their descent, “and I was torn apart with the guilt. It was my fault that you were doing that to yourself. I might has well have put those marks on you with my own two vile hands.” Azriel closed his eyes and let the tears fall – not many, but enough. The silence rang through his ears, his history hanging between them. He waited for the fear, the rejection, especially when she drew her hands away from his. But his eyes snapped open when delicate calloused fingers stroked his cheeks. Gwyn had risen to her knees to dry the wetness on them, her stare a storm of trust and understanding... and compassion.

“Thank you for telling me your story, Azriel,” she whispered. “I see you. You have nothing to fear. I’m still right here.” Then she smiled brightly, and he unraveled.

“Gwyn, I don’t know if you can ever forgive me – I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t. But I care for you as more than a teacher, more than a friend. You are a light in my dark life and these past few weeks have been miserable without you in them.” Her smile widened slightly and he reached out a thumb to catch a stray tear that had fallen from those precious, beautiful eyes. He felt his own grin pushing his cheeks against her warm hands.

“I care for you, too, Azriel. As more than a friend.”

He held that watery stare until she released his face. She stood up, brushing off her knees before reaching her hands to him again to help him to his feet. He tilted his head curiously at the determination flashing in her eyes.

“Here is what’s going to happen,” she began, looking down at her hands in his. “Before we pursue anything… romantically, I need to be sure that this isn’t something that will happen again.”

He opened his mouth to speak but she pressed her fingers against his lips. “We both have darkness and fear and I understand that. But if you feel it taking over, I need you to come to me, to talk to me. Because if I open my heart to you and this happens again – if you insist on shutting yourself off from me or deciding for me what I deserve or want – I will be heartbroken.” The confession left Azriel raw.

“What can I do, Gwyn? How can I reassure you?” He could hear the desperation in his own voice, but he couldn’t find it in him to care.

“We are going to go back to how things were before this mess.” She had returned her hand to his and gave both a squeeze. A shadow darted down around them, as if to approve of the contact. “The way it was that led us to realize that we feel the way we do. And you are going to prove to me that we can have what we had before I found out about that stupid, lovely necklace. Do you think you can do that?” He could have fallen to his knees seeing the hope in those ocean eyes, mirroring the spark of hope inside of him. It was something he hadn’t dared to let himself fully feel with her.

“I will.” Azriel’s voice was low and rough. “I swear it.”

“And then we can decide what comes next. And I can prove to you that your hands and your darkness are just as important to me as the rest of you.”

He was grinning like a fool, he knew. He still had a chance, because Gwyneth Berdara was the definition of grace and love. And by the Mother he would not screw this up.

He felt more than saw her wrap her arms around his back, pulling herself into him. For a moment he was frozen by the intimacy of it – shocked by her initiation of it – but he quickly let his arms settle around her waist. He breathed in, pulling her tighter, and leaned his cheek on the crown of her head.

“Don’t let me down, Shadowsinger,” she muttered into his chest. He chuckled and dared to move one hand to comb through her hair. “I want to see… what comes next.” He wanted to see, too. He wanted to know what it was like to look to the future and see more than dread and loneliness and exhaustion. He could see it with her.

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Berdara.”

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[stories-poetry4all]

After I got pregnant with his puppy, he rejected me and had another she-wolf mark him.

Today Jace is coming back from alpha training.

Everyone in the pack is on their toes to welcome back their future alpha, and the wide grin on Luna's face makes my heart dance with happiness.

I love her.

I, on the other hand, I'm anxious. I turned seventeen three days ago and I haven't smelled my mate yet. That's a relief to me because I want it to be him.

Jace is the only person I see myself with. I have been asking the moon goddess to make him my mate since we were young.

There was always a raw connection between us that made his parents, and most people in the pack believe that the two of us will end up being mated.

I'm scared. If I spot him and he turns out not to be mine, I will die.

I have loved Jace for as long as I can remember, and I am positive he felt the same way. Though we never admitted or acted on our feelings to each other, so if we didn't get to be mated, it would hurt less. That was 2 years ago before he left.

I don't know how he turned out to be, but I want him to return as the Jace he was. My Jace.

I miss him so much.

"Hurry up dear, we only have an hour," Luna impatiently affirms, but the smile on her face doesn't alter.

"Yes Mum", I answer enthusiastically, rushing to my room to get ready.

Oh, Goddess! An hour is so little time for me.

I need to look my best. Luna bought me a dress I should wear and I made sure to choose his favourite colour.

I know everything Jace likes and I'm going to make sure I achieve each one of them in the little time I have.

I have been living with the Alphas family since I was five. I don't remember anything about where I came from or who my parents are.

Luna said they found me in the woods alone crying. They decided to take me home in case someone came to ask me.

No one did though. Sadly.

So being the good people they are, they agreed to raise me as their own along with their son Jace. Who is two years older than me.

I have never tried makeup before, but Luna took her time yesterday to train me on how to do it. I chose a blue short flared dress that matches the colour of his eyes and also his favourite.

Goddess! He loves my long dark hair.

I let it fall in curls down my waist and the stupid grin on my face refuses to go away. "I'm so happy!" I shout falling face down on my mattress and burying my face in my fluffy pillows.

He left his phone behind. At the training, they don't allow them to have phones. I wish I could talk to him. We can't mind link either because of the distance.

It could have been easier if we communicated.

"I can see that sweetheart" I quickly turn around to her voice and her face mirrors mine.

"Do you think he is the one?" I sit up, flashing away the fear in my eyes. But my voice carries enormous hope.

"Of course baby, the moon goddess is not that cruel you know" Jace mum walks towards the mattress and sits beside me.

She is beautiful. Jace took after her blue eyes and brown hair. Poor Alpha got nothing.

"Listen, honey, I want you to be optimistic. I want this smile to remain no matter what today turns out to be. Just remember everything happens for a reason" She squeezes my hands and I sigh.

I don't want it to turn out differently than expected.

"They are here, you have your gift ready?" She quickly stands up and my heart beats. What does he look like? Does he still love me?

"Yes," I nervously headed to my closet to get the red box that contained my surprise gift for him.

My heart is about to break from the cages of my ribs. I'm sweating like crazy and my nerves are all over.

Please be mine. I keep chanting in my head.

"Come on" She takes my sweaty hand and I feel my wolf stir. She has been restless since morning. I bet she is happy to meet him too.

"I'm scared" I whisper watching my steps. Mother thought these heels would go well with the dress. I hate them.

What if I have to run to him and mistakenly trip?

The front doors open and the fresh air immediately hits me. I take in a greedy deep breath and it helps me relax a tiny bit.

Every member of our pack is present and keeps themselves busy with one thing or another.

My ears perk up when the sound of a roaring engine is heard and I swallow nothing. I can feel my heart in my ears.

I untangle Mum's hold and wipe the invisible sweat from my forehead.

Today is the day that will break or make me. All the years we shared, our memories, the longing we had for each other, but we chose to keep our sanity.

Goddess, please.

My heart stops when a blue Ferrari passes the gates and is followed by two black SUVs. His security.

My Jace.

It's him.

My wolf instantly comes forward due to the incoming intense scent.

It's strong, it's addicting and it makes me weak in the knees. The strong smell of wood mixed with masculine cologne.

"Goddess! " I breathlessly whisper, almost falling to my knees.

She heard me. She made him mine.

I can't move. I stand still and wait.

It's like the world around me is rotating. A nervous grin breaks on my face, followed by a giggle and I'm suddenly laughing like a crazy idiot.

Tears of joy breams in my eyes and I feel like screaming, howling, or letting out some reaction.

Everyone is watching, anxiously waiting for the perfect moment when he steps out.

The car finally stops and so slowly, the door opens.

My eyes have never looked this hard. The first thing he does when he comes out is look directly into my eyes. It's like he knew where I would be standing.

His eyes shine in recognition and mine does the same. My wolf slowly whispers the four long-awaited words and my grin widens to its full extent.

"Mate"

Jace is different. He is a lot more grown than he was when he left.

Slowly and steadily, I take a step forward then another. His face is still, he doesn't show any emotion and I wonder if my imagination is playing tricks on me.

Jace wouldn't be standing there and blankly looking at me, especially when we are finally mated.

It was our big dream and our main plea to the goddess.

Something changed.

It's confirmed when he turns around and opens the other door of his car. The action makes me hesitate in my movement. A shining red stiletto steps on the ground, followed by long creamy legs. Then nude thighs and finally the shortest red dress I have seen.

A woman's figure finally appears, with long red painted nails, blue dyed hair and finally red smudged lips stretched in a wide smile.

I watch in horror as my mate stretches his hand forward and she gladly takes it.

What is happening?

Chapter 2

I take a stumbling step back. My tight grip on the supposed gift grinds it into a ball of useless paper, but it does nothing to console my tensed muscles.

I can't watch this.

I slowly turn around and dash to my room. The only place my stupid mind leads me to. Everyone is occupied with the perfect view to notice the young girl in distress.

I don't believe what I just saw.

Is he silently rejecting me? How will Jace get himself a girlfriend of all the people?

The pain I feel in my body is unbearable.

My heart is aching so badly that I want to rip it out. I wanna cry but my tears refuse to oblige. This is shocking and I could never have imagined this would happen in my whole lifetime. Especially with Jace.

It can't be.

Jace would never hurt me.

I lock the door and slide on it until my butt touches the cold floor.

The window on the right side of my room forcefully opens and my gaze immediately lands in that direction. I didn't even smell him. I quickly stand up a bit nervous when I look into his black eyes.

They are as black as coal signifying his wolf is in full control. How could he allow our mate to take another she-wolf instead of us?

He is supposed to protect us.

"Mate" he whispers, hurriedly covering the distance between us. I don't move. I just stare at the boy I have loved all my life in sheer wonder.

He grew his hair. My Jace went ahead and pierced his ears, he is no longer the innocent boy I knew. feck! He used to hate tattoos, but this Jace had almost his whole body covered in them. Was it out of peer pressure?

Maybe I don't know him anymore.

The moment he touches my arms. It's like a big pull forces me towards him and overwhelming emotions take over. At that moment of weakness, my wolf takes control and everything else becomes a blur.

*

"I'm sorry, it shouldn't have happened" he regretfully whispers while putting on his clothes. How I ended up nude on my bloody mattress, only my wolf could answer that.

From how shattered clothes are dispersed around the room and my aching body, my wolf went far. I don't blame her though. She's three days old and I haven't even shifted yet. She is still completely primal.

"Jace" I plead in a whisper to earn his attention.

"No one should know about this. You being my mate doesn't change a thing, Ariana. I have a girlfriend now" he never said my full name from the beginning.

The moment I told them my name he had turned it to Ana and it stuck. Also, Jace never used that voice on me. The cold commanding and threatening tone.

"You are my mate" I mumble in defeat, finally finding the courage to cry. I slowly got out of the mattress and fell into his arms. Jace does not hold me back and my heart aches more.

Is this really happening?

He looks down at me like I'm irritating him. "Please don't leave me, Jace, we wanted this right? We waited for so long for this Jace. We're finally mates" I desperately shake his arms like it's gonna snap sense back into his head.

I must look pathetic right now. He never wanted to see my tears. Right now he is staring at them completely unaffected.

"I don't need a mate, and this stays between us. My parents or anyone else can't know Aria. Don't you dare open your mouth? You wouldn't wanna test me" he forces the words out through clenched teeth. The veins on his forehead are popping and his hands are tight fists on his sides.

"Then why did you take my innocence?" I ask in exasperation not letting his body go. My body is nude and in pain, but I don't care right now.

"If you have a girlfriend, why take advantage of a mate you don't want, only to threaten her?" Goddess, he is hurting me. Can't he see that?

"Ask my wolf that" he rudely interjects, his voice the one I don't recognize. He regards me with no tenderness or guilt at all. Is this what he turned into? An inconsiderate son of a bucket?

Jace does one thing that finally breaks me more. He violently pushes me and I stumble on the floor with a hiss.

Oh! Goddess! I must have a terrible dream.

"Get out" I grit, pulling the sheets to cover my already exposed body. He is so shameless to stare at what he does not want.

With one emotionless glance. He walks away and It's like he just took my heart with him. I carelessly lay still and wail harder than I have ever done. He can't do this to me.

It was supposed to be beautiful. We were supposed to be special but he ruined it.

Jace took what he wanted and tossed me away like I didn't matter. I was living in my fantasies all this time. I have waited for him for two years. Counting every second until the moment I saw his car.

You can't do this to me, goddess. I have never hurt anyone.

I cry until I can't anymore. My wolf keeps whining but there is nothing I can do to help her. I don't know how I will get through this. It's pure torment, especially when it comes to someone I trusted with everything in me.

It's still noisy outside, probably the pack is having the meals now. Celebrating the return of their alpha together with his fake mate.

I slowly stood up and after locking the door and all the windows, I set a warm bath for myself where I drain more of my misery away.

*

"Are you okay honey, you look pale" Luna asks, opening the windows and pulling away the curtains, causing immense light to take over the darkness in the room.

"Just tired" I sigh, tiredly sitting up. My mind and body are completely worn out.

I can't believe he did that. And he had the guts to threaten me.

" I know it's hard dear, that's why I let you rest yesterday. Sometimes life doesn't always give us what we want. You have an amazing mate out there sweetheart, just like Jace found his" She rubs her palm on my back in comfort, but I quickly pull away from her touch like it just burned me.

I wish I could tell her his son is the one but I can't. Instead, I silently walk to the bathroom. I need another shower. Anything to keep me in my room.

I can't sit and listen to her useless advice and unnecessary console.

"Come for breakfast after you are done, okay?" I block her voice away and instead listen to the sound of the splattering water on the bathroom floor.

I don't know how, but he is going to regret hurting me. I bitterly think to myself and my silent wolf forcefully pulls up.

My body trembles in pain and thick black veins appear all over my skin. I gasp in horror looking at the bathroom glass wall and I'm perplexed to see my eyes completely black.

It's painful, I want to scream, but it's like my voice is stuck in my throat.

Then after a minute, a cooling sensation washes all over my body, making everything disappear. The pain and the veins are no longer there, and I'm back to my human form.

My body tiredly slumps on the floor and I feel so overwhelmed. I have never felt this way before, even when I was shifting.

What is wrong with me?

Chapter 3

Three months have passed and my life is more miserable.

I do everything in my power to stay invisible to everyone. Good thing, Jace took his chosen mate to the pack house.

I don't know how I could have survived if they stayed here. Most of my time is spent in the garden and watching movies in my room.

Luna and Alpha don't bother me either and I'm thankful for that. They think I'm still hurting with how the events turned out. I just wish they knew.

Since the day he rejected me, I cannot see Jace. I make sure my door and windows are completely locked every time he comes to see his parents. It's to my advantage I'm able to smell him from a mile away.

Unfortunately, today I had to go out. To be more specific, I needed to come to the pack hospital.

Two months ago I had an inkling that I was pregnant, but I refused to accept the fact. How will I take care of an unwanted child at seventeen?

It's a miracle I had completed high school before his return. It could have been a shame going to school with a swollen stomach.

I know his parents will surely ask who is responsible since they still believe that I'm not mated. On the other hand, I can't keep hiding it anymore. Alpha kids are born in six months while other wolf babies go up to eight or nine.

The pregnancy was inevitable. Alpha wolves tend to impregnate their mates on their first mating or when they complete their mate bonds.

I should have searched for pills but I didn't know who to ask. Also, it could have raised a lot of questions if I came to the pack doctor because werewolves rarely use them and no one knows I'm already mated.

My tummy is now visible and I have to wear big sweatshirts to hide it. I even learned the art of masking my scent, so my secret would remain hidden. I think now it's becoming impossible.

Yesterday Luna got suspicious, and she was about to start interrogating me when her phone rang. I had to run to my room and pretend to be sleeping.

Today I woke up so early before everyone else could and here I am. Worriedly staring at the man who has been running endless tests on me.

"You seem weak, do you eat well? You don't get enough rest too don't you?" He carefully looks into my eyes and I'm sure they hold no ounce of life. I feel like I'm a walking dead.

"I rest a lot and I never miss my meals" I instantly lie but he sees right through it. Who am I kidding? Sleeping is like an unimaginable miracle for me. My wolf is the one who keeps us going, I rarely eat. She is a strong wolf and I'm dying to meet her.

I don't know why I didn't shift on my birthday though. She just made her presence known within me but never came out.

"What happened to you Anna, did you find your mate? Did something happen to him?" I look down at my fingers and blink away tears. I can't answer that.

How will I tell him the truth?

" Does Luna know about this? I'm sure she would have brought you here sooner" the man continues pressing and I feel my composure wavering. No one knows what I'm going through.

"No, no. I'm okay really. You don't have to involve her in this" I quickly stand up and pick up my jacket from his table. I took it out when he wanted to draw blood from my arm.

"Sit down, Ana. They are here" My blood ran cold at his words. They will be upset that I lied to them.

"I have to go" I turn around to the door and there they are, Alpha, Luna, and the idiot himself.

"Why didn't you tell us?" she whispers, disappointment clear in her voice, and my heart aches. How will I tell them their precious son is my mate, who got me pregnant and he doesn't want me?

I can't look at him.

By any chance I give birth to this baby, he's not coming close to it. He rejected it when he rejected me.

"Who is your mate, Anna, who got you pregnant?" Alpha tenderly asks, moving forward and my eyes start to water. All kinds of emotions are going through my mind right now and I'm letting them all out through tears.

I would want to see Jace's reaction, but it would be so embarrassing to look at him. I still believe that I'm dreaming and that one day I will wake up to a grand reality.

"I.. I... he left" I stutter with a sniffle.

"Was he from this pack?" Luna walks in and drapes her arm around my shoulder. It hurts lying to them. It hurts that he is standing right in front of me, but he is not saying a word.

I remain quiet and instead, my crying becomes louder.

Without another word, I gently straighten from her embrace and walk out without looking back. It's better if I don't see him.

An immense pain erupts in my lower abdomen and I quickly sit up panting for air. What is happening?

It's only four months, it can't be labour pains.

The same pain reappears but this time, so unbearable that it has me screaming my lungs out. It's different from the one I keep experiencing. I concluded that maybe it is my wolf seeking to be let out.

Then again, the dark veins and eyes scare life out of me. I have never seen something like that before

It doesn't take long before the door bursts open and Alpha rushes in. His eyes widen in fear when he spots blood staining my sheets and the next thing I know, he is yelling Jace's name.

"We need to take you to the hospital, you will be okay sweetheart, I promise" he assures me moving closer but a loud growl l don't recognize, leaves my mouth causing him to take a fearful step back.

Strange.

"Jace" he yells again louder, pulling out his phone in the process.

"Why is this boy so stupid? " he screams, throwing the phone across the room and tries to move closer again, but my wolf won't allow him. " I'm going to kill him" he angrily mumbles to himself pulling at his hair.

"Let me help you, sweetheart," he whispers, holding his hands forward to show he is not a threat. Just like it happened when I conceived this child, my wolf takes complete control and half-shifts, alpha lets out a gasp and his eyes widen in fear.

My body is covered in black fur. My nails are black too and so sharp I'm scared they might hurt me. Werewolves don't have a shift, they are either in full wolf form or human.

It's strange to me, but I have no time to ponder about it when the pain strikes again.

Blood continues to seep through my clothes which are on the brink of tearing. I slowly get off the mattress with the intent of saving my pup. I can't let it go, it's my only hope.

More figures appear from the door and one of them is Jace. He has bloody hands and what causes more pain in every inch of my body, is the fresh wound on his neck.

He let her mark him despite knowing the consequences. He knew the pain I would have to suffer but did it anyway.

This is like a wake-up call for me, he meant it when he said he doesn't want me. How else would he harm us in this undeserving way? At least he could have let the baby live.

That mark is the cause of the turmoil I am in right now. Goddess please, at least save the child.

My wolf releases a loud warning growl and everyone steps back. I can see the fear in their eyes but I don't understand why. She is not whining about her mate anymore. Her priority now is to protect her pup and her human.

"How dare you?" A hard punch lands on Jace's face but he doesn't fight back. His gaze remains on me and for the first time since he arrived, he is not acting tough anymore.

He is crying.

"How dare you reject your pregnant mate for such woman, and let her touch you, Jace?" Alpha angrily shouts, raining punches on his son, and everywhere goes silent. Horrified gasps fill the air and I take that as my cue to leave.

I can't stay and have everyone stare at me with pity. Or fear.

Gradually, I start for the door while tightly clutching at my hurting stomach. I feel my strength fading, but I keep reminding myself that I need to get out of here before he hurts me more.

"Sweetheart, the doctor is on the way, sit down please" the crying Luna takes a step toward me but my wolf releases a snarl baring her teeth at her.

Everyone hesitantly makes way for us, sympathy and concern coating their features. Especially the females. I don't care if I die right now. I already lost everything that matters to me.

I leave a trail of blood behind me as I carefully take the stairs one at a time.

"Ana please, I'm sorry" his voice whispers behind me but I don't look back. I need to save my baby.

When we managed to reach the front door, I don't know where the strength suddenly came from, but my wolf started jogging through the thick forest.

Her movement is nimble and blurry.

The pain and the bleeding don't stop and I'm sure as it will be too late before I get any help. No one from the pack follows me. With the speed my wolf is going, I doubt anyone will surpass us.

I have never witnessed a mate rejecting their pregnant female. Especially alpha wolf.

It's something frowned upon and also, alpha wolves are most overprotective of their mates.

A speeding car almost knocks me down but instantly stops when the driver sees me.

My knees give out as the woman exits her car and rushes to me. I don't have the chance to see who she is because of my hazy sight. My world starts rotating and all I see is black.

Before my senses fade, a loud howl of pain sounds from the direction I came from.

A howl of pain and loss.

[picsofsannyas]

OSHO, FOR MOST OF MY LIFE I HAVE HELD MYSELF ALOOF, SEPARATE AND ISOLATED, AND I HAVE THEREFORE BEEN PROTECTED FROM PEOPLE AND SITUATIONS. MY INNERMOST FEAR HAS ALWAYS BEEN THAT IF I OPENED MY HEART TOTALLY THE VAST LOVE THAT I FEEL WOULD RUSH OUT LIKE WATER FROM AN OVERFLOWING WELL AND BE LOST, DIVERTED OR REJECTED. MY ESSENCE IS LIKE A DELICATE FLOWER AND IF IT BLOSSOMED IN THE WRONG TERRAIN IT COULD EASILY BE BADLY BRUISED OR DESTROYED. THIS IS MY FEAR. IS THIS THE TIME AND PLACE TO OPEN MY HEART TOTALLY?

Tom Cassidy,

It is one of the most basic fears of all human beings. This is the fear that has created the monks and the nuns. The whole past of humanity has been dominated by this fear -- like a cancer of the soul.

It looks very logical that if you share your love you will be wasting it and soon you will become poor. This is the ordinary law of economics: if you want to have more money don't share it, be miserly. Get as much as you can and give as little as possible. Then only can you accumulate, then you can be rich.

This is true as far as the outside world is concerned, but this is absolutely untrue about the inner world; there a totally different law functions. The inner law is: if you don't give you will lose; if you give you will keep. The more you give the more you will have; the less you give the less you will have. If you don't give at all then you will not have anything, you will be just utterly empty, a grave, and inside the grave there is no possibility of any flower blossoming. The flower needs the sun, the rain, the wind, the stars, the sky, the birds. Howsoever delicate it is, it needs to open up to existence. In that opening the fragrance is released, the imprisoned splendour is released.

Tom, you are basically a monk. The word 'monk' is significant; it means 'one who lives a lonely life', one who lives a life of no relationship, of no relatedness, of no love, of no sharing; who lives a windowless life closed on all sides, utterly closed in himself out of the fear that if he opens up, who knows what will happen to his tender heart, to his delicate inner being? He is afraid of rejection, he is afraid of situations, he is afraid of the unknown. He clings to himself, but this clinging only brings death. He may go on dragging for years, but that is not life, that is slow suicide.

The very word 'monk' means one who has decided to live a lonely life. From the same root comes 'monastery', where people live in loneliness. From the same word come word  like 'monopoly', 'monotony', 'monogamy' .

Trying to live on your own, unbridged with others, is the most dangerous idea that can possess anybody ever, and once it starts taking on religious colours then it becomes very difficult to get rid of it because it fulfils your ego, it nourishes all that is wrong in you, it destroys all that is beautiful in you. In a grave there is no possibility of roses flowering -- inside a grave -- but there is a possibility of snakes and scorpions and spiders -- all that is ugly, all that is poisonous. If the grave is completely closed its very air will be poison.

And millions of people are living the life of monks and nuns. They may not have gone to the monastery, they may be living with their wife, but closed, with their children, but closed. They may be living in the world but so guardedly, so cautiously, so calculatively that their life cannot have any joy, any dance, any song.

One needs a little courage to make life a celebration.

You say, Tom: FOR MOST OF MY LIFE I HAVE HELD MYSELF ALOOF...

You have been suicidal! Life means togetherness with existence, with the trees, with the rivers, with the rocks, with people. with animals, with all that is. To relate with it multi-dimensionally that's the only way to make your life rich. The more you relate. the more multi-dimensional you are. the rich you are, the more you grow, the more you blossom. There is still time. Drop this stupid idea of being aloof separated and isolated. That you can do after you die! Then you will have more than enough time. From your name it seems you are a Christian. Then you will have more than enough time -- till the Last Judgement Day! Then you can live in your grave as a monk, you can keep your Bible with you, you can keep your rosary. But while you are alive, while this immense opportunity is given to you, live it, rejoice in it!

Jesus says again and again to his disciples, 'Rejoice! Rejoice! I say again rejoice'. Jesus was not a monk, he was a very alive man. He lived with all kinds of people: the gamblers. the drunkards, the prostitutes, the sinners, the tax collectors. He and not with the idea of 'holier than thou', he lived with great friendliness. He enjoyed late parties, dances, music. And Believe me, he was not continuously giving gospels, he was gossiping too! And he was a drunkard, he loved wine -- he shared it with his disciples. Fasting was not his way but feasting!

Don't be monkish. To be a man is such a great opportunity that there is no need at all to waste it. And remember one thing: the things that you are afraid of...

... THAT IF I OPENED MY HEART TOTALLY THE VAST LOVE THAT I FEEL WOULD RUSH OUT LIKE WATER FROM AN OVERFLOWING WELL...

For whom are you feeling this vast love? Just for yourself? -- because love means to have a direction, an object. It is always addressed to somebody. To whom is your love addressed? You are like an unopened envelope: you have not even read what is written in the letter, you don't know whether the letter exists inside at all or if you are simply carrying an empty envelope. Unless you open the envelope you will never know. Open it!

And remember, the well never runs out because deep down the well is connected with the oceans. The oceans are continuously reaching it in small springs. In fact, if you don't draw the water out of the well it will die, because soon those springs will not be needed; they will become blocked. They will not be in use, they will lose their functioning, and the old water will become stale and dead, maybe poisonous. It is good for the well-being of the well to go on drawing water from it. The more water you take out, the more fresh streams of water go on reaching the well. The well is not disconnected from existence.

Your heart is certainly a well. If you keep it closed then you will not get energy flowing into you from the universe. Go on emptying yourself and you will be surprised -- you are in for a great surprise: the more you empty yourself, the fuller you are.

That's why Gautam the Buddha emphasized the word shunya, 'zero'. Become a zero! If you want to become full, his message is, just become empty, a nothingness, just space, pure space, unlimited space containing nothing. Just empty yourself totally and you will not be able to believe it -- a miracle happens. When you are utterly empty, the whole existence enters you.

All the stars are within you and all the flowers are within you, the sun and the moon are within you. Suddenly you see yourself as vast as the universe itself. To be nothing is the only way to be all. To be nobody is the only way to be divine. Emptiness brings godliness.

And don't be worried that your love will be lost -- nothing is ever lost. The world always contains the same amount of everything, neither less nor more. Now this is a scientific fact: there is not a single atom less than there ever was, not a single atom more than there ever was. The quantity of the universe remains absolutely the same, because from where can anything new come in? -- the existence contains all, there is 'nowhere else'. And where can anything go out? There is nowhere else to go, so nothing is ever lost. Maybe it takes a little longer to reach the right person, but it always reaches.

Sing the song and don't be worried! It will reach the right people at the right time, if not today then tomorrow, if not in your life then in some other time. But it will reach -- it is bound to reach! It will always find the right person who can absorb it. Simply sing the song. You should not be too concerned whom it reaches, your whole concern should be that you are singing it with totality, that's all; more than that is not required of anybody. It is not your business whether it has been heard or not. When a flower opens in the jungle it is not worried whether anybody will be passing by, 'to know the beautiful fragrance that I am releasing', it simply releases the fragrance. If it reaches to some nostrils, good; if it does not reach, so what? The flower has blossomed, it has offered itself to the universe. Now it is up to the universe to do whatsoever it wants to do with it. Nothing ever is lost and nothing is ever diverted and nothing is ever rejected. But people feel rejected many times because even before they have given something there is expectation; if their expectation is not fulfilled then they feel rejected. It is the expectation that is creating the trouble, not love. Give love without any strings attached to it. Give love for the sheer joy of giving. Enjoy giving it.

The cuckoo calling in the distance -- not worried at all whether anybody is enjoying it or not. The faraway star -- do you think it is concerned whether a poet is writing a beautiful poem about it or a Vincent van Gogh is painting it or a photographer or an astronomer are concerned about it? It is none of the business of the star. The joy is in shining forth.

Simply open up your heart, Tom Cassidy -- and open it totally, without any expectations, without any conditions and it is sure to reach to the right heart; it always happens.

When I started singing my song there was nobody to hear it then people started coming. I was surprised -- how did they hear? Why did these people go on coming? From all directions. from all over the world people started coming. How did you arrive here? And I was not waiting for anybody to come! I was just singing my song, I was enjoying it.

Just the other day one sannyasin asked, 'Osho, I have had one dream: in the dream I am sitting in Buddha Hall alone. And then you come, you sit in the chair, and I am very much puzzled because I am alone and there is nobody else in Buddha Hall, the whole of Buddha Hall is empty. And I am worried about what you are going to do!'

You need not be worried -- I will do my thing! I cannot leave you alone! I will talk to you for one and a half hours continuously. And you cannot escape either! When there are so many people, a few people can escape, but if you are alone where can you go? I will follow you! Without anybody there at all, even if you are not there and I am alone in Buddha Hall, I will sing my song.

Try it one day! I will still tell my jokes, and if there is nobody to laugh at them I will laugh myself -- if not at the joke because I know it already -- then just because I am laughing, laughing that there is nobody and I am telling a joke!

 How ridiculous!

Tom, don't be worried.

You say: MY ESSENCE IS LIKE A DELICATE FLOWER...

So let it be! It is beautiful it is a delicate flower. Let others also partake of its fragrance, let others also drink out of your well. And soon the flower will die -- by the evening it will be gone. So don't hide it, because even if you hide it you cannot save it. In the morning the rose opens its petals, in the evening the petals will wither away and the rose will be gone. Before it is gone let it be shared. Let the bees come and hum and let the birds sing, let the children play around it. Let everybody rejoice! Otherwise you will be dying unfulfilled.

It is a delicate flower, but the more delicate it is the more quickly one has to open it to existence, because one cannot wait for tomorrow -- it may not be there tomorrow.

And you are worried: IF IT BLOOMED IN THE WRONG TERRAIN... There is no wrong terrain anywhere. In fact, if a rose can blossom in a desert that will be the most beautiful terrain -- that will be an exceptional rose. If it can blossom among rocks then that rose must be a Buddha, not less than that, a Christ, not less than that. In the right terrain, in the garden, ordinary flowers blossom but extraordinary flowers blossom among the rocks too, in the deserts too. So don't be worried about the terrain, and don't be worried that IT COULD EASILY BE BADLY BRUISED OR DESTROYED.

Everything that is born is going to be destroyed, so before it is destroyed let it have its dance.

And you are asking me: IS THIS THE TIME AND PLACE TO OPEN MY HEART TOTALLY?

Every time and every place is the right place! And because you are here at this moment, let this be the place. Where can you find a better space, with people more beautiful, more accepting, more loving than you are surrounded by here in this Buddhafield?

Tom Cassidy, you have waited long enough -- don't wait anymore. This is the time. This is the moment. Never trust the next moment -- the tomorrow never comes. Now or never!

Osho.

Zen: Zest, Zip, Zap and Zing Chapter #12 Chapter title: Life: Let it have it's Dance

Qu. 1.