OKAY so uhm Voltron won the poll! yay
So I watched one episode and now I’m FINALLY working on chapter two of my fanfic, in short it’s a multi fandom crossover that includes my main oc and takes place primarily in my friends universe (which big thank you to letting me use it for the setting :D)
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Okay it’s late and I had a very emotional time in the shower so now I’m thinking about personal trauma regarding my mom and I’m thinking about Bo Sinclair and HIS mom and I am a MESS and I think it’s really fascinating from a psychological standpoint so maybe I shouldn’t rant about it on the internet, but I’m going to anyway so BAM. Under the cut for those morbidly curious.
POST WRITING WARNING: That got super incoherent. I am tired and posting anyway. Feel free to pick apart my brain. I am at peace with it. Picking apart my brain is a thing my best friend and I do for sport now tbh.
So long story short, my mom was neglectful at best, and frequently abusive when I was growing up. Like, I ate dog food to stave off hunger pains neglectful and scream at me red faced and nostrils flaring so hard for wetting the bed when I was three that my dad strangled her and that’s why they got a divorce abusive, like, lock me outside until I “Figure it out” when there was a solid BLOCK of ice around the duck enclosure and I broke the shovel trying to chip it away abusive, insist my (former)stepdad is only PLAYING when he beats me and I’m “taking it too far” when I fight back neglectful. (She was on a medication that has since been recalled for causing episodes of violent psychosis and memory loss; she had no idea she was doing any of that—we are on peaceful terms NOW and I no longer blame her; but obviously that doesn’t mean it didn’t effect me VERY badly, I just consider the “mom” from my childhood and my Mom today as two different people)
Anyway, when I was eighteen years old, my mom admitted to me that she never loved me. She told me about how she thought she loved me when I was born, because she didn’t know any better, but that she loved me “the way you love someone else’s baby; like any baby you can just give back” but that she always kind of resented ME for us not having that closeness a mother and daughter “should have”. She said that she didn’t realize until my brother was born(I was nine at the time) what it was supposed to feel like to love your own child. She told me it broke her heart, because she realized she’d spent nine years Not Loving Me and felt like by then it was too late to try to get help and that our relationship was just doomed because she couldn’t love me. (Our relationship only actually improved when my son was born; but the love my mom and I have for each other is definitely Chosen love, more like friends than mother and daughter—though she is a wonderful Grandma)
But like, with that out of the way, Bo Sinclair absolutely breaks my heart because I am INTIMATELY familiar with how it feels to grow up with a mother who does not love you, and who is not impressed with anything you do no matter how hard you try. ESPECIALLY with the “Why can’t you be more like your brother” line in the movie. Like, I 100% know how it feels to grow up watching your sibling be loved while you’re just the burden. (Only, I’m so much older than MY brother, that in our situation I was basically acting as his parent because our mom and his dad were absolutely in no way cut out for the job; so as you can imagine that was…painful).
But like, Bo CLEARLY is still obsessed with trying to prove to his mother even after she’s dead that he’s worthy of her love, and it breaks me because I know from experience how hard it is to accept that you don’t NEED your mother’s love. Being unloved as a child doesn’t mean you can’t ever be loved or that there’s just something about you that people can’t love.
Like GOD Bo is a fucking trash man and literally everything is wrong with him but he did not deserve the childhood that was inflicted upon him.
TLDR: I am normal about Bo Sinclair I am normal about Bo Sinclair I am so fucking NORMAL about Bo Sinclair and also my childhood sucked.
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why do i keep seeing whole videos on advice for artfight from “veterans” or whatever. here’s all the advice you need:
you don’t need to draw every day
you don’t need to fully render every drawing, sketches still count and the person receiving it will still love it
you don’t need a fully polished ref sheet for every single character, having a basic one or even just a colour palette along with whatever other art you’ve done works fine in most cases
you don’t need to draw a fully rendered piece every single day do not burn yourself out or injure yourself for funny little internet points good lord
boom done there’s your 15 minute video
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I ONCE TRIED TO WASH THAT SCUFFED OLD THING WHILE HE WAS TAKING ONE OF HIS NAPS, BUT WHEN I TOOK IT OFF HE WAS WEARING ANOTHER IDENTICAL ONE UNDERNEATH! AND ANOTHER! I GOT THROUGH TEN MORE LAYERS OF THE SAME THING BEFORE HE WOKE UP. I WAS SO FRUSTRATED! WHERE DID HE EVEN GET THOSE FROM? THEY ALL EVEN HAD THE SAME STAINS!!
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I finally took the time to photograph my vintage dip pen nib collection, and I need to share with you all how wonderful and diverse their designs are.
These two are my favorite. Just look at them! One of them is named Gorille and the other Mephisto, but to me they're little pumpkins.
And of course you gotta love the Pinocchio nib. You get to write with the nose of a tiny guy! Just not something you get to do anymore.
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im not particularly religious but i think it’s very cute that Trans Day of Visibility and Easter are on the same day this year :)
its no question that something like this could be triggering or upsetting to a number of queer ppl given the current sociopolitical climate, so i want everyone to remember that u are loved! Regardless of what u or others believe, there are ppl who will love and support you always. Give yourself patience and treat yourself with care!!!
happy and peaceful TDOV everyone!! And Easter to those who celebrate :D
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