#because this one is a doozy

[whumpcereal]

the kennel, part fourteen

part of the kennel (masterlist here), immediately follows this piece. this is very dark and graphic, so please, exercise caution. read those content warnings, and be kind to yourself!

content warnings for: EXPLICIT NONCON, mutual noncon, noncon use of toys, restraints, and gags, forced nudity, brief suicidal ideation, emeto mention, references to scarring and forced weight loss, electric shock, unconsciousness, extreme dehumanization, filmed whump, pet whump, creepy/intimate whumper, adult language

part fourteen, in hell

Will can’t think. Maybe that’s the only thought he has–that he can’t have thoughts at all. What’s happening–it’s too much to think about. 

Things like this don’t happen. 

Or they do. Will knows that they do. He isn’t stupid. He watches the news. Or he did, when there was a television to watch. He knows that these things happen–

–but they don’t usually happen to people like him. 

Or maybe they do. So much of what Will believed was wrong. Maybe he was wrong about the things that kept him safe too. Maybe they’re lies every man tells himself so he can pretend that he’s above what happens to everyone else. 

Will knows now: he is not above anyone or anything. He is in hell. Tommy is still warm and twitching on his tongue, and Will is in hell. 

Tommy is shaking, his hands heavy on Will’s head as he empties himself. He might be crying. Will doesn’t know. He can’t make himself look up again. He doesn’t close his eyes; he just lets the pale pink of Tommy’s flesh blur in front of him. 

Two seconds. It took two seconds. Two seconds, and Will’s mouth is coated with sour salt, warm against his cheeks and down his throat. It seeps into every empty space, choking him, trapping his tongue, and Will knows he will never be able to get rid of the taste. 

Tommy’s taste. It’s a part of Tommy that Will was never supposed to share–and it’s something Tommy can never take back. 

But he tries. 

Tommy bucks back against Doc, yanking himself out of Will’s mouth. Sticky strings of Tommy’s forced pleasure cling to the edges of the ring between Will’s teeth, slipping over his lips, down his chin. Tommy collapses to his knees, screaming; but if he’s screaming words, Will doesn’t understand them. 

Will doesn’t understand anything. Maybe he won’t, ever again. Maybe he doesn’t have to. A mutt doesn’t need to think. It’s clear that he has other uses. 

Tommy’s trembling hands hover over Will’s cheeks, his shoulders, but they don’t land. Will is glad. Maybe he is glad. Maybe not. He isn’t sure he feels anything, really. His ears are hot; the rest of him is cold. He’s naked, so of course he’s cold. But somewhere, he knows he should not be. Tommy is dripping with sweat. Why is Will so cold? 

The hinges of his jaw tickle. He knows that means something, but what does it mean? Before he has a chance to guess, he curls over his knees, and what was in his mouth isn’t anymore. It’s on the floor, on his knees, on Tommy. 

“Fuck!” someone says. Not Tommy. Not Will. No one asked him to speak. 

Doc. 

“Well, it’s your first time,” Doc says, and he is next to Will, pulling him back by the strap that’s fastened behind his head. Will’s body is heavy; he doesn’t fight. Why should he? It won’t matter. “But you’re not done yet, little mutt. Champ was too quick.” 

Tommy makes a funny noise, a high-pitched noise, because he can. Will is silent, because he has to be. Like he might be forever. 

I told you: your mouth is better when it’s silent. 

Will wishes he could close his mouth. It still feels sticky inside, like paste. Like there’s a bitter membrane stretching across his lips. But even so, his breath rattles through the ring, heavy, rotten. 

“Get up, Champ,” Doc snarls.

Tommy is bent over his knees. He doesn’t get up. 

That’s bad. Tommy has to do what Doc says. Will knows that. 

That’s why Tommy did what he did, isn’t it? Because Doc said so? 

It has to be. 

Doc jerks the strap behind Will’s head. The ring wedges deeper inside Will’s mouth, but he is quiet, because he is a good boy. Doc told him his mouth is better this way. Doc is right. Doc is always right. 

He isn’t, but what the fuck is the point of fighting? Will lets his body go slack in Doc’s hold, and he doesn’t look at where Tommy is still folded over himself, sobbing. He doesn’t look at Tommy at all. 

Tommy can’t look at him. He knows it. No one will ever want to look at Will again. 

Not that they ever did before. 

“Champ!” Doc snaps. “Get off your ass, or I’ll take care of the mutt myself.” 

No one takes care of Will. He’s a mutt. A stray. The leftovers. He isn’t worth taking care of. Even his mom thought so. His dad too. Jessie– 

But that isn’t the kind of care Doc means. Even if Will can’t think, he knows that. 

Doc pushes Will up until he’s on his knees again. “There you go, mutt. Up we go. You’ll want to get Champ nice and slicked up this time; that’s all the help you’ll get for the grand finale.” 

Tommy’s going to hurt him again. Tommy’s never hurt him before, but Tommy is going to hurt him again. He has to, or Doc will hurt him. And Tommy can’t get hurt. Will knows that. He knows his place. What he’s worth.

For just a second, though, he wonders why. 

Why hasn’t he ever been good enough? Why is this where it ends for him? 

Why is it Will who always gets fucked?

Too soon? 

He squeezes his eyes shut, and the glass box feels like it’s spinning. 

Doc holds Will against him again. He strokes the hinge of Will’s jaw with the pad of his thumb, hard, like he’s rubbing dirt away. But it’s not dirt on Will’s face, and no one will ever be able to rub it away entirely. 

“Open up, mutt,” Doc urges, like Will’s mouth isn’t already pried open, like Will has any choice in what’s about to happen to him. Again. It’s going to happen to him again. And probably again and again and again and again. Because he belongs to this man now. No one is coming to save them. He belongs to Doc until Doc decides he has no further use, so he will always open up and take what he’s given, because he’s not sure what will happen if he doesn’t. This is how he stays alive. If he wants to stay alive. 

It’s not like Will hasn’t wondered if he’ll die here–like, let’s be real, it’s not exactly a Holiday Inn–but for the first time, he almost hopes that he will. That it’ll be soon. Because he doesn’t know if he can do this indefinitely, and he has no choice. 

Doc’s hand slips around Will’s throat, and he thumbs at Tommy’s leftovers, still sticky on Will’s chin. Will opens his eyes. Tommy is still crumpled in a sobbing heap on the floor; he tears at his curls with his beautiful hands, knocking what look like fucking dog ears to the floor. 

Will’s mitts stay wedged behind him, between his back and Doc’s front. He doesn’t even remember what it’s like to touch his own hair, his skin. He wonders if he ever will again. 

“Champ!” Doc barks.  “You have five seconds to get your ass over here and let the little mutt do his job. Or I’ll do exactly what I told you I would.” 

Will pitches forward, like he’s going to be sick again, but Doc hauls him back up. 

“Not this time, boy. There’s no escaping this. Besides, if this doesn’t happen, the next bit will be worse for you.” 

Will’s shock must be starting to wear off, because he understands exactly what Doc is suggesting. He’s going to make Tommy–fucking Christ, no. Will can’t. He can’t–and Tommy–

Fuck.

Tommy looks up at Will, his face blotchy and red and completely fucking destroyed. 

This is Tommy’s first time. Or it will be. When Tommy–when he–

Will shakes his head. He can’t take this from Tommy. This can’t be how it happens. And Tommy–Tommy can’t take this from Will. He won’t. Right? He won’t be able to do it? There’s no way that this is going to happen to them. 

But of course it’s going to happen. Because Doc has toys and remotes and their motherfucking lives in the palm of his hand. 

Tommy crawls over to Will. He doesn’t raise his head. 

“That’s a good boy, Champers,” Doc coos. He shifts his hold on Will, pressing both hands to either side of Will’s face, smushing the straps of the gag into his cheeks and holding him still and–well, ready. Ready as he’ll ever be. 

Will’s gorge rises, and his breath devolves into short, pained gasps. He should probably think about breathing through his nose. Or maybe he should go back to not thinking of anything at all.

But Tommy doesn’t immediately ready himself. Instead, he reaches forward and wraps his naked arms around Will, pressing his head into the soft space beneath Will’s ever-more obvious ribs. His face is hot and sweaty and sticky against Will’s skin, and Will’s body is jolted with the force of Tommy’s sobs. 

Will flinches. 

He doesn’t mean to. It’s not like he and Tommy have never touched each other before. But just now, it’s like Will’s body knows something his brain does not. 

“Oh, how sweet,” Doc says. He lets go of Will’s face and reaches down to pet Tommy’s hair. “Champ is thanking you, mutt. For a job well done.”

Tommy wails, but Will is stone. He wants Tommy to let him go, but he also doesn’t, and how can both things be true at once? How can any of this be real?

Doc reaches down to pry Tommy’s arms away. “Let’s give you both a bit more practice, huh? Hup hup, Champ, and give the mutt his treat.” 

Tommy’s protest is shrill, but whatever Doc has his mouth stuffed with completely obliterates his words. Not that Doc would listen if Tommy could speak. Neither Will nor Tommy has a voice now. That’s not what they’re here for. That much is real fucking obvious. 

“Now, Champers, I know you’re eager to get to the finale, but you’ve got to let the little mutt prepare you first, don’t you? You were too quick before.” 

Doc’s hands cinch tight around Will’s throat–not so tight that he can’t breathe, but tight enough that Will flinches again–and Tommy is instantly on his feet. Will doesn’t understand, but what the fuck else is new?

“Good boy,” Doc purrs. 

Tommy looks down at Will, and he tries to catch Will’s eye, but Will doesn’t take the bait. He can’t carry the weight of Tommy’s sorrow on top of his own. Not just now. He closes his eyes again, and he waits. 

“Ease it in, Champ,” Doc commands. “Let him help you.” 

Tommy must not move fast enough, because Will feels Doc’s shirtfront brush against his naked back. There’s a strangled yelp, and the shuffle of reluctant feet, and then Will feels it. Well, he feels Tommy. Salty and thin-skinned and soft against his tongue. 

Will’s eyes are wet with tears, because why wouldn’t they be? But when he tries to blink them away, he sees: Doc is flush behind Tommy, pressing him deeper into Will’s mouth with the rocking of his own pelvis. 

“There we go, Champ. That’s it. Good boy,” Doc says. 

Tommy shakes his head, whimpering. Doc has both of Tommy’s wrists gathered in one hand, pinned against Tommy’s sternum. Tommy is still soft in Will’s mouth, but Doc’s ministrations keep easing him further inside. Tommy’s tip brushes the back of Will’s throat, and Will gags. 

Tommy screams again. It doesn’t make a difference. Doc’s body molds to Tommy’s and keeps him in place. 

“Good boy,” Doc says earnestly. His hips twitch, and Will retches around Tommy. He can feel Tommy startle and try to pull back, but Doc’s body stops him. “Look at him take you down. Look down and see what your carelessness has earned the little mutt.” 

Doc’s free hand forces Tommy’s head down, but Will can’t look up. He can’t even fucking breathe. 

And then, he feels it. 

It’s like his mouth has been taken over by a hive of fucking bees. Tommy’s weight vibrates against Will’s tongue, and everything in Will’s mouth is consumed by an impossible bone-deep itch; his lips, his gums, his tongue. Tommy moans, and suddenly, his hips buck hard into Will’s face. Tommy swells against the ring of Will’s gag.

The toy. Whatever Doc had Tommy rigged with when he brought Will in. The fucker turned it back on. 

This time, Will can’t help it. He sobs around Tommy, and the collar snaps on. He screams, and the next shock consumes him. He is a live wire, jolting and humming, twitching on the ground. 

“Fuck. Would you look at that?” 

Doc pulls Tommy away, and Will collapses into a fetal position. His back arches as he lets go another scream, and his mitts thump against his tailbone. But he doesn’t stop. He keeps screaming, and the collar keeps snapping and popping against his throat. He doesn’t fucking care. What fucking difference does it make? Nothing can hurt worse than any of what’s already happened. 

He’s wrong, of course. 

- - - 

Tommy is almost grateful when Will passes out. Almost. 

Almost, because even though Will’s been granted a temporary reprieve, there is still something vibrating and thrusting inside of Tommy. Almost, because now, Tommy can see every filthy streak of himself on Will’s flushed face, and he wishes he could not. 

Almost, because a shameful part of Tommy still aches for the wet heat of Will’s mouth. 

It’s not like that. It isn’t. Will must know it isn’t. Fuck, Tommy hopes he does. 

But Tommy’s body isn’t his own now. It fucking kills him. His body has always been a well-disciplined instrument, graceful and careful and sure. But now–fuck, now, he can’t control it. He thrusts into empty air like some kind of addled animal while his best friend passes out from fucking electric shock, and it isn’t because he wants to. It’s because he has to. Because Tommy’s body belongs to Doc now, and it will do whatever Doc wants it to. 

Unfortunately, Doc isn’t distracted by Will’s condition. He kicks Will’s unconscious body roughly onto its stomach, with all the tender care somebody might give a sack of garbage. 

Tommy’s insides shrivel. Will’s back. Fucking Christ, it’s a Jackson Pollock of bruises and scabs and fresh scar tissue. And it’s because of Tommy. Tommy did that to him. And now–fuck, now–

Doc kneels down and manipulates Will’s legs underneath his body, spreading them wide for balance. 

“You’re ready, aren’t you?” Doc nods at the space between Tommy’s legs. 

No. No fucking way. 

Doc’s finger casually traces Will’s ass crack, and Tommy screeches when he sees a fingertip dip between Will’s cheeks. 

Doc laughs. “Come on now, Champ. It’ll be easier this way,” he reasons. “He won’t even feel it at first. Maybe he won’t even wake up. I mean, you didn’t last long that first time.” 

Tommy whines, and when another thrust spears him, he grabs for himself. He’d rip it off if he could. If it meant that he didn’t have to do this, he wouldn’t think twice about destroying himself. 

But Tommy knows he is going to destroy himself anyway, and Will with him. Doc will make sure of it. 

Doc moves to Tommy, slipping behind him again. He turns the massager off and gently, carefully, frees Tommy from its grip. He lets it drop to the floor, and then he wraps an arm around Tommy’s heaving belly. 

“You go over there, and you get down on your knees, and you fuck him,” Doc says slowly. He crooks his fingers against Tommy’s side in an absent tickle, and Tommy squirms. “Because if you don’t, I’ll make sure he never wakes up.” 

For a second, Tommy thinks that maybe Will would prefer not to wake up. That maybe, Will would consider it a mercy. But it isn’t Tommy’s choice to make.

Tommy doesn’t have any choices left at all. 

Doc pushes him toward Will’s body and forces him to his knees. Tommy can see the shallow rise and fall of Will’s breath; the motion makes Will’s scars look alive, like pearly snakes and bloody vines that might just crawl off of Will’s skin. Tommy wishes they could. That Will could have his body restored to him, like none of this ever happened. 

But then, maybe the scars will be the least of Will’s concerns when he comes to. 

Tommy’s trembling hands slip softly over Will’s back, a silent apology for what’s about to happen. Will stays still, and this close, Tommy can smell the burnt flesh under Will’s collar. 

He wonders if he will ever hear Will’s voice again. He wishes he had his own voice, that he could lean down and tell Will how sorry he is. That he could explain. That he could beg for the forgiveness he knows he will never deserve. Because Tommy shouldn’t do this. He should be stronger than he is.

But he’s so fucking scared. 

“Don’t wait too long, Champ, or all that work the little mutt put in will have been for nothing. I’d hate to have to start this all over again.” 

Tommy’s spent years wondering what his first time would be like. He could never have imagined this. Choking on his own sobs, he sets his hands on the tender skin of Will’s hips. There’s some scarring there too, and Tommy’s thumb glances softly over one of them. He strokes it almost meditatively, letting Will’s body blur in front of him. 

“Your audience is waiting, Champ. Do it now.” 

Tommy can’t take a breath, and he can feel his heartbeat in his ears. Will’s out cold. Maybe Doc is right–maybe it’s better this way. Maybe he won’t even wake up. Maybe he won’t even know. Maybe Doc will believe that Tommy’s learned his lesson, and Will will never be in this position again. Tommy knows he won’t be as lucky, but if doing this now spares Will later, he will.

“Now, boy,” Doc snarls. 

Tommy fumbles to comply. He’s never done this before, he doesn’t know what he’s doing, he can’t, he can’t, he can’t– 

He does.

...i am so sorry, please take care of yourselves, and send me virtual hugs because this one hurt...

taglist: @darkthingshappen, @oddsconvert, @sparrowsage, @whump-for-all-and-all-for-whump, @mylifeisonthebookshelf, @highwaywhump, @squishablesunbeam, @hold-him-down, @whumpsday, @sowhumpful, @termsnconditions-apply, @honey-is-mesi, @irishwhiskeygrl, @deltaxxk, @d-cs, @whumpinggrounds, @canislycaon24, @considerablecolors, @starlit-darkness, @scp-1296, @flowersarefreetherapy, @morning-star-whump, @whumpwhittler, @susiequaz12, @whumptakesthecake, @whump-world, @hiding-in-the-shadows

[freaky-flawless]

Dead Tired Honey Swamp

Shout out to @deuces-stone-cold-style for the nightgown inspo!

[i-hear-a-sound]

yeah

[velvetwyrme]

i eat up ur recs with a spoon and have almost gotten to the end of the list!!! do u have any other self insert recs? thank u! u have great taste

MWAH MWAH ILY !! THANK YOU and yes ofc I have more recs (not as many as last time, but it should still be a decent list to sink your teeth into <3)

Take care when reading, and always be sure to check the tags!

Same notation as last time, with STATUS of each fic labelled as such: Finished, Ongoing/Unfinished, Discontinued. (Unless the author specified that the fic is Discontinued or on Indefinite Hiatus, I will mark it as Ongoing/Unfinished. Oneshots are also marked as such.)

Spicy (Explicit) and/or Dark fics have also been labelled if relevant. (I won’t mark ones with just suggestive themes/moments, since I cant guarantee I’ll catch all of them. Similarly, unless there is consistent graphic death or gore I [probably] won’t mark it as dark.)

MULTICHAPTERS

As always, tread carefully while reading and take care of yourselves <3

Edit: Fixed a missing link or two!

These Masks We Wear - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

TIME LOOPS BABEY!!!! This reader is a delight from the get go because they have been stuck in a time loop and are... rather impulsive because of it, which lands them in a bit of a mess, because these strange, dangerous monsters have just emerged from the mountain. (I'm screaming and yelling at this fic very intensely)

Resisting the Current - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

If you haven't read this yet please do yourself a favour and read it. The premise was enough to get me irrevocably hooked (anti-harem but the gf is ALSO into you. ALSO SHE'S YOUR EX) and the writing is just FANTASTIC. I'm obsessed with the dialogue and description at every turn. Also, I would very much like to kiss Quinn please and thank you. The plot is beginning to set in now, and it's so good??? I have to cut this short or else I'll talk forever <3

ALSO the same author recently posted the first chapter of Wishbone which has me in a vice grip!!! AHH

Comic Classifieds - Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

*kicks in the door* DID I HEAR... FAKE DATING? Very sweet VERY funny, with an extremely extraordinarily awkward reader. (Who is also "cute in an awkward, baby giraffe kind of way.") It's sooo good please please check it out.

Stolen with Friendship, Captured by Love - Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

2016... I still love this fic deeply <3 It's so SWEET and it reminds me of the good days of fic... Papyrus is. a Lot to deal with, but the reader takes it all in stride. He is SO full of energy and I want to sqUISH HIM.

Tough Choices, Tougher Consequences - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

I loooooove stories where soldiers get thrust into awful political matters. After you are forcefully removed from the battlefield, the Emperor gifts you his finest gladiator- Papyrus. He intends for the monster to be a toy to you as much as you are a toy to him, but you can't accept that and quickly broker a deal with Papyrus for his freedom.

Already There - Underfell!Sans/Reader - Finished

[Warning: INCREDIBLY SAD AND GOOD]

BURSTS INTO TEARS. Like for real though I adore this fic, it will break you into a hundred million pieces. My beloved son!!!!!!! I can't believe I didn't add this one to my last list it's such an influential piece of my existence like genuinely

There is also a sequel! Which hasn't updated since 2018 BUT STILL IS REALLY GOOD. If you want a slightly less heartbreaking story, the author also has another Sans/Reader; A Tale of Dog and Monster which makes me want to cry but in a happy emotional way instead.

Here's to You, Doll - Mafia!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Ah... this one is very fun. You're a scientist who gets accidentally isekai'd into a Mafiatale universe and becomes stranded there. Unfortunately for you, Don Gaster and his brothers think you are a spy, so you're kinda stuck with them. Also Sans is kinda a little freak in this one at times (/appreciative)

Soul Collector - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

The reader (the Soul Collector) gets transported into another universe and has to stay with their alternate, who is the skeleton's terrible neighbour. You look just like her, of course, resulting in a lot of VERY confusing interactions. I wasn't expecting to, but I actually really like Meyer.

Consequences - Papyrus(?)/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Anti harem, but the reader gets mcfreaking MURDERED (and so does classic Papyrus?!) so now they are both Ghosts. Focus is currently more on platonic relationships and REVENGE but I'm enjoying the twist on the typical anti-harem structure!!

My Soulmate is a Pastel Goth (And Other Concerns) - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Edge is very cute in this and I also feel really bad for him, he's trying so hard but the MC will not give him the time of day ;w;!! I looove me a good tumultuous soulmate fic. (Note: this fic also features Fem!Frisk as Sans’ soulmate in the bg, so if you’re not a fan, that’s something to note ^^! Fr//ans isn’t quite my thing, but tbh I’m really interested in seeing how things turn out here!)

ERROR: Not Found - Error!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Error, gets obsessed with the reader and kidnaps them! It's slice of life, so don't expect TOO much hard hitting angst here, it's more about being woo'd by the strange stalkerish entity who knows everything about you <3

When Death isn't an Option - Horror!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

I'm a sucker for immortal readers, especially ones that get stuck in HORRORTALE of all places. This fic is very fun and plays in the Horrortale sandbox in a fun way- I'm enjoying it a ton so far :]!!!

Additionally... if you liked that or if you're like me and love immortal readers forced to make decisions of extremely dubious morality and sense because of their immortal nature, you should also check out Cadarverous and 𝚎𝚊t. which are both very dark and very compelling.

Babysitting with Extra Morbid Steps - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

So the first thing you need to know is: Papyrus is dead.

... WAIT WAIT WAIT HEAR ME OUT- this is a really brilliantly written fic about like. SO much fucked up shit happening. The reader is Sans' friend, who he has hired/tasked with guarding the various alternates he has. just straight up imprisoned(?!?!). I avoided this for a while because of the aforementioned Papyrus Being Dead thing, but HOT DAMN I'm glad I read it in the end. Delightfully horrifying, but it gets sweet I swear!!! I would say read the tags but those are Spoilery ;)!

Additional note; the comments section often has Really Interesting dissections of characters and their motivations, which if you're into that (like me) then you should read those too!

All You Knead is Loaf - Sans/Reader - Finished

[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]

Super sweet, VERY punny fic that updated over the course of a month iirc. It's a cute food-centric Sans/Reader!

Like a moth to flame…or a lamp - Mothman Horror!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

BIG MOTHMAN HORROR!!! He's so sweet and sad this poor man. He has mistaken the reader for his mate and is trying to woo them again...

Those Times I Met His Brother - Sans/Reader - Finished

Essentially you befriend Papyrus and keep getting left with Sans, during which you grow closer. Love Papyrus' not-so-subtle attempts to get them together afjkdfjsf,,

Just Try and Help (Lil Old Hopeless Me) - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Skeleton reader! Very angy skeleton reader. They do not Want to be here (understandably, considering they were essentially kidnapped) but their former caretaker is gone, and they have nowhere to go.

Lovely House of Bones - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Six monsters get stranded in a snowstorm, and you help them not freeze to death by inviting them into the house you inherited. I'm really excited to see where this one goes :D!

Maybe In Time, You'll Want To Be Mine - Underfell!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

More!! Soulmate stuff!!!! SOULMARKS BABEY!! Love it when there are misunderstandings! Love it when there are cuuuuute background character kiddos!! AUGH it's cute! And angsty! But cute!!

No Good Deed - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Finished

You volunteer at a local homeless shelter where you meet a strange, less-than-friendly volunteer. Short and sweet!

Nothing but Skin and Bone - Horror!Skelebros/Reader - Finished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

MORE Horrortale content! This one only finished last month or so- it goes from angsty to sweet/cute and it's real good!!

If you read that and want EVEN MORE sadness and gore, the author's other work Vivid Blood, Pale Scars (DARK) is very tragic and very fucked up because you get saddled the Horrorfell boys this time. MUCH Hurt and No Comfort!! All the endings hurt me in different ways and none of them are happy. LUCKILY(?) the spinoff/AU where the skelebros and reader from VBPS get pulled into a multiversal skeleton house; Blurred Lines, Opened Wounds has just started!! Surely nothing can go wrong. Surely.

The Princes' Bride - Skelebros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

What if you got kidnapped by the king to marry his sons. "Why" is a good question. And an even MORE pressing question is: how do you get OUTTA here. (Papyrus is a sweetie, Sans is distrusting, and King Gaster is a mysterious weirdo who is a good dad and bad everything else.)

MorTificaTion - Bad Sanses/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Reader from Outertale gets yanked into Horrortale! They then have to masquerade as Sans' wife and Aliza's mother, all the while trying to just stay alive. Not to mention the other Sanses running around... really fun premise and I'm excited to see where it all goes >:0!! Also extra kudos to the name of the fic because YAY Murder Time Trio (MTT) mention!

So here's the plan... - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader/Underswap!Papyrus- Finished

[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]

VERY CUTE!! Love them. Fake dating except there's a third conspirator involved. Each of them was also trying to set the other two up in a couple uwu. Chapter 1 is cute, and chapter 2 is spicy ;)!

Just a Cat - Swapfell!Skelebros/Reader - Finished

The reader is in fact, not just a cat. (He is a shapeshifter, and pretends to be a cat.) Shenanigans ensue.

An Apple a Day Keeps the Asshole Away - Swapfell!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Unhinged. When I say unhinged I mean it in the best possible way but it IS unhinged. They're all a bunch of little FREAKS. Please read it, if only to experience the absolute TERROR of Miss Bluebell and also Steve. What the hell (appreciative)

Honey Lemon Tea - ...?/Reader - Discontinued

RAGHHH I'm so sad this was discontinued :(( I loved the set up and the mystery so much... the author did leave an end note with how the plot would have played out though!

Shifting Morals - Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

You go stargazing and have an encounter with a mysterious stranger :0c?! (It's Sans. He's a cool beasty guy, and he is very very sadly Entirely alone.)

Additionally, this fic was suddenly revived 5 years after posting the first chapter which I have immense respect for.

The Key To Freedom - Yandere Buttontale!Papyrus/Reader - Finished

Yandere Papyrus! Not a common sight, but this fic does it particularly well. He mostly wants to eat your soul at first, but then he starts getting... attached. The bittersweet ending!!! AUGH.

Milky Tea and Souls - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

What if you could summon bitty versions of your soulmates!! And oh stars why are there so many- WHAT DO YOU MEAN MORE KEEP APPEARING??? The reader has a handful of skeletons and more to deal with!

The House on Lane 66 - Various/Reader - Finished

[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]

I feel like legally I have to include this (/lh /j). I finally finished it recently and went "WOAH..."

I stopped reading for a while (because of the length...) BUT I returned to it because I really really enjoy the world building (like holy SHIT!!!) but oh my god that sure is. a Million words now. It is TECHNICALLY finished, but that's only because the next part is in the works(?!?!?!)

Love Grows - Farmtale!Sans/Anomaly!Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

🎵 Love grows where my rosemary goes~

The reader doesn't have a physical body or a way to interact with the world while they watch over Saejun and the rest of the Farmtale characters. They inhabit a scarecrow to have some semblance of personhood, but they remain unable to talk...

Falling - Underswap!Skelebros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

You are dying. You are dying and all of a sudden your dad is asking you to pick out a fucking slave of all things. The monster does not trust you (fair) and he thinks you are faking your illness for attention (less fair. what the fuck). Really interesting dynamics in this one!

Se Brûler - Grillby/Reader - Finished

[Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]

I reaaaally love this fic! Sweet fluff! Angst! THE DRAMA!!!!! AUAUUUUGH I have too much to say about it just go read it.

Early Bird Special - Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

Old fic that's still updating!!!! Really interesting plot that just keeps getting More Dramatic as time goes on (in a good way). It's a Slavetale AU, in which the reader ends up joining the resistance after a few chance encounters. The author also has a spinoff fic with the same premise but featuring Underfell instead, which results in quiiiiite a lot changing.

nemesis & nike - Various Horrorbros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

The reader essentially starts off in a zombie apocalypse and then gets transported into an alternate universe where they initially think that the various skeletons they meet are zombies. Turns out they are not in fact, zombies, but like most of them still want to kill the reader so...

Rules to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse - Swapfell!Skelebros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes] [Warning: Contains Explicit Content.]

More zombie apocalypse stuff! Except this time you're stuck there with a pair of weird skeletons! You give them nicknames so you don't get attached, but of course you end up getting attached anyway.

To My Horror - Horror!Skelebros/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Post-surfacing Horrortale fic where the skelebros get to go live their farming dreams. With you! Slice of life with a dash of intimidation and angst.

If you enjoyed the Horrortale/Farmtale fusion, you'll be glad to hear there's also...

The Skeleton Stalks - Horrortale!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Another Horror-farm-tale fusion which has just begun recently! You live on a farm and all of a sudden there is this Big Intelligent Dog hanging around. Eventually, your new neighbors are sent to check in on you and your Great(er) Dog, which leads to some sweet interactions.

The Ruse - Swapfell!Sans/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

This is a rework! I read the original fic while it was being originally posted and I ADORED it, and the rework is superb <3 Sans is the Captain of the Royal Guard, who must fight valiantly against the villanous Eclipse, who exists only to spread terror... and you're just some human chilling on the sidelines, posting treasonous Soriel posts on the Undernet.

I'm so so so excited for it to return auauusgfhfhdj THE ORIGINAL FIC IS GONE SO I CAN'T EVEN READ IT TO SATIATE ME...

Almost Alone - Swapfell!Papyrus/Male!Reader - Finished

I love the sleepy, slow atmosphere this fic has- it's so befitting of both SF!Pap and the MC in this. It's soft and sweet and melancholic auauuauauuughgh I LOVE IT... *bursts into tears again*!!!! Also, there is a side fic which follows different POVs throughout the story, which is similarly well written!

=========================

ONESHOTS

Date night Purring - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

SUPER CUTE (and slightly suggestive)! Also Edge has a feminine body in this which is always fun. Booba <3

Scares and a Sudden Friendship - Horror!Sans/Reader - Oneshot

Reader's shitty boyfriend leaves them behind in the haunted house in which HT!Sans is working as a scare actor. Sweet little meet cute! (Meet spook?)

Fallen Star - Underfell!Gaster/Reader - Oneshot

An ooooold fic but one that never fails to break my heart. Written from the perspective of UF!Gaster recording experiment logs about the newest fallen human.

Birdy -Mafiafell!Sans/Reader - Oneshot

LET THE BIRD FUCK SHIT UP!! I love the way the Avian... siren(?) reader is characterised... there's also another oneshot in the same series which I enjoyed- love me some weird Creature Body Horror!!

I also really enjoyed the author's other fic: Moss & Mycelium, wherein the reader is a skeleton :]!!

Skeleton's Curiosity - FellswapGold!Skelebros/Reader - Oneshot

SUBNAUTICA AUUUUUUUUUUU YEAAHH BABEY!! I love mermaid AUs and I love Subnautica! Real cute!

Chance Encounter - Underfell!Papyrus/Reader - Oneshot

ANOTHER SUBNAUTICA AU :D!! Except it's just UF!Pap this time <33 !!!

Leaving A Mark - Sans/Reader - Oneshot

The twist(?) made me laugh so hard I almost cried. It's VERY cute also.

Nice to Scare You - Various/Reader - Oneshot Series

A fun series of oneshots of the spookier variety! Or more Halloween-y at least. All very good <3

=========================

MISC. / OTHER

The Escort - Lust!Sans/Reader || &Reader - Finished

[Warning: Contains Discussions of Explicit Content.]

No romance! (But lots of kind-of-onscreen fucking.) This fic feels like looking at a bunch of polaroids, seeing a snapshot of existence. Life out of context. And it works SO well. It makes me feel sad and existential and I really love it.

Rubble & Ramparts - (An R&R-Inspired AU Fic) - Various/OC || Various&OC - Ongoing/Unfinished

Not a reader insert, but it's like. An AU of a reader insert so I'm including it here!!! Rubble and Ramparts is of course, inspired by R&R (Rabble & Rampallians), which was on my previous list but is getting linked here again for ease of navigation

ALEXIS my beloved!!!!!!! I am in loooove with the way things are going in this fic. It's so COOL and Alexis is such a freaking DELIGHT. Also I just really love reading all the notes from the Cutting Room floor, which the author has kindly included in a separate fic for your reading pleasure!!

ALSO in writing this I also remembered there is Another Spinoff AU fic which IS a reader insert (that I'm enjoying)...

Perception & Patronage (An R&R Spinoff) - Various/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

Thank the stars I remembered this, it's really fun!! Also judging by the tags there is also plans for. not only Various Sanses/Reader, but also READER/READER, which is such an underrated thing I love it, but I digress. It's a really fun spin on a really fun fic <3

Teen Livin' - Various Skelebros & Reader + Frisk/Reader - Ongoing/Unfinished

[Warning: Contains Dark/Heavy Themes]

Cute and sad! Platonic reader insert. The reader is a troubled teen who befriends Frisk, and gets to meet a bunch of skeletal guardians. The skeletons have a familial/friend's cool cousin vibe with the reader, which is really sweet! The fic is currently going through a Halloween Special which I'm enjoying quite a bit (Haunted dolls! Ghosts! Blood!! Still very sad :[...)

Something Good - Fellswap Gold!Papyrus/Reader(?) || /OC(s) - Ongoing/Unfinished

Technically not a reader insert since Coffee is the MC, but I can forgive it because I'm really really invested in this and I really adore the character dynamics so far <3 Coffee striking it out on his own is always a fun thing to explore, and I'm excited to see more!!

=========================

I love writing up these rec lists- it's such a fun way for me to rediscover fics I've enjoyed, thank you for giving me another opportunity to reread some of my favourite fics and more importantly to share them with you! I hope you enjoy them as much as I did :D!!!

I'll probably leave it here for now or else I'll end up rereading fics forever lolol it's already like 3am I gotta sleep SOMETIME

[boywifesammy]

s5e11 sam, interrupted is THE EPISODE. it’s a fucking cinematic pipe bomb. watching it is like chewing on glass and swallowing propane. it is wonderful, it is amazing, it is EXCRUCIATING and i love it. allow me to explain.

(under the cut because i ended up rambling lol)

like, yes… it is extremely ableist. it is extremely offensive. it is an overdone harmful caricature of psych wards and horrific to watch but that is EXACTLY what makes it so good. i’ve never seen spn as a horror show but man this episode?? the psychological distress of it, the unease, the dereality??? it has me frothing at the mouth.

as someone who has tics and PTSD i have first hand experience being labelled as Crazy so that’s the lens i’m coming at this from. this episode is most definitely not a reliable source for mental health info but the way they portrayed martin’s character kinda got me. him stuttering over certain words, his general paranoia, how they clearly address that he went through a deeply traumatic event but that he’s still useful as a hunter even though he can’t do the things he used to before. i don’t think the writers intended for this episode to be viewed the way i did but man i am shaking it around in my cranium like a snow globe.

just the first few minutes of it is insane. dean acknowledging that sam was high on demon blood and that the apocalypse wasn’t his fault. seeing the absolute absurdity of the show in perspective with real life. dean admitting to his psych doctor that he's an insomniac, alcoholic, and incapable of holding long-terms relationships with his usual blase nonchalance, then immediately clamming up when she hits him with the "let's talk about your father." ??!!! i know dean is The daddy issues character but i love when they call him out like that.

and how can i Not point out the blatant assault and objectification… wendy forcefully making out with both sam AND dean. them both getting probed by the fucking monster of the week not even 10 minutes into the episode. SAM BEING TIED DOWN. i cannot explain to you how much i love seeing him restrained. the moment i saw sam tied down and angry i literally vibrated out of my skin that boy must be helpless and restrained more often it is beautiful.

on a sort of related note: high sam. yes. just yes. the little nose boop. him telling dean I Love You. getting all emotional about how much he cares about his brother. the themes of his autonomy being stripped. him being drugged up against his will when he’s a recovering drug addict????? INSANE.

also one thing that really stood out to me was dean being diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic with narcissistic personality disorder and religious delusions. which, yes, is inaccurate, but seems more like a misinterpretation of his PTSD symptoms. dean isn’t schizophrenic but he IS paranoid and he’s trained himself so thoroughly to weaponize his feelings that even to HIMSELF he seems narcissistic, when he’s really just scared and desperate. he externalizes his self-hatred as this overfed bravado but it’s because if he was honest about how he felt about himself the guy would simply fall apart.

expanding on that note… sam&dean meta on how they react to trauma & grief. dean immediately clams up and becomes anxious and terrified. he shrouds himself in so much false confidence but he genuinely hates himself so fucking much. so much that he just sits with his pain because he thinks he deserves it, while sam wants to externalize. he’s angry and that scares him because of what’s in his blood but the truth is that he has every right to be angry. he wants to be gentle but he has so much repressed rage that it bursts out of him and leaves him terrified in the aftermath. dean on the other hand wants to be angry but he’s so scared and critical of himself that he shuts down.

and the ending. my god the ending. dean telling sam to wrap it up and stuff it down. it’s excruciating to watch because dean’s advice is fucking shit but it’s also heart-breaking because it puts into perspective just how much these boys have on their conscience.

they PHYSICALLY cannot deal with their trauma. it is so awful and overwhelming that they could not function if they remembered it, so they forget about it. they push it down. they hide it away, and it’s so fucking refreshing to have an episode that acknowledges that they do that because THAT IS A TRAUMA RESPONSE. it is quite literally a SURVIVAL tactic. people who are severely traumatized will wipe their memory of traumatic events because they cannot function with it in the peripheral. this is a clear manifestation of sam and dean’s PTSD and how when they’re faced with these problems, their emotions take over and they completely lose themselves, whether that’s due to fear or rage.

the horror of this episode isn’t the wraith. it isn’t the silly little monster sucking out people’s brains. it’s the thing inside you. it is the imagery of these people hanging or with slit wrists being passed off as suicidal because they’re mentally ill. it is the ugly truth of trauma and the ways it twists your memory and self-worth. it is the inherent belief that someone is worthless if they are psychotic or paranoid. it’s the way the episode puts that perspective on sam and dean, shows them what it’s like to hallucinate and drags up their own repressed memories and puts them on full display. it is TRULY horrifying and it is GRIM and NASTY because it is about the human psyche and the horrible ways it can be twisted. it’s a fucking phenomenal episode if you can read the subtext and get past the whole “scary psych ward bad” wrapping.

[youredreamingofroo]

An Intervoo with Roo

Thanks for the tag @gamyrmaiden and @changingplumbob !! I completely forgot to do this earlier so Jade doing this actually reminded me 😭

As usual it's under the cut and tagged people will be at the end :)

I may put two checks for some of these just because they're applicable to him, but I'll do my best to keep it to one !

Personal

Financial: wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty

Medical: fit / moderate / sickly / disabled / disadvantaged / non applicable

Class or Caste: upper / middle / working / unsure / other

Education: qualified / unqualified / studying / other

Criminal Record: yes, for major crimes / yes, for minor crimes / no / has committed crimes, but not caught yet / yes, but charges were dismissed

Family

Children: had a child or children / has no children / wants children

Relationship with Family: close with sibling(s) / not close with sibling(s) / has no siblings / sibling(s) is deceased

Affiliation: orphaned / adopted/ disowned/ raised by birth parent / not applicable

Traits and Tendencies

extroverted / introverted / in between

disorganized / organized / in between

close minded / open-minded / in between

calm / anxious / in between

disagreeable / agreeable / in between

cautious/ reckless / in between

patient / impatient / in between

outspoken / reserved / in between

leader / follower / in between

empathetic / vicious bastard / in between

optimistic / pessimistic / in between

traditional / modern / in between

hard-working / lazy / in between

cultured / uncultured / in between / unknown

loyal / disloyal / unknown

faithful / unfaithful / unknown

Beliefs

Faith: monotheist / polytheist / atheist / agnostic

Belief in Ghosts or Spirits: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

Belief in an Afterlife: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

Belief in Reincarnation: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

Belief in Aliens: yes / no / don’t know / don’t care

Religious: orthodox / liberal / in between / not religious

Philosophical: yes / no

Sexuality and Romantic Inclination

Sexuality: heterosexual / homosexual / bisexual / asexual / pansexual

Sex: sex repulsed / sex neutral / sex favorable / naive and clueless

Romance: romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favorable / naïve and clueless / romance suspicious

Sexually: adventurous / experienced / naive / inexperienced / curious

Potential Sexual Partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all

Potential Romantic Partners: male / female / agender / other / none / all

Abilities

Combat Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

Literacy Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

Artistic Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

Technical Skills: excellent / good / moderate / poor / none

Habits

Drinking Alcohol: never / special occasions / sometimes/ frequently / alcoholic

Smoking: tried it / trying to quit / quit / never / rarely / sometimes / frequently / Chain-smoker

Recreational Drugs: never / quit / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / addict

Medicinal Drugs: never / no longer needs medication / some medication needed / frequently / to excess

Unhealthy Food: never / special occasions / sometimes / frequently / binge eater

Splurge Spending: never / sometimes / frequently / shopaholic

Gambling: never / rarely / sometimes / frequently / compulsive gambler

i'm tagging @miralure @groovetrys @buttertrait @acuar-io @flovoid @elderwisp @holocene-sims @vercosims @birdietrait @stinkrascal and anybody else who wants to do this :))) (feel free to ignore if you've already done this or don't want to)

[gloriousfemaleworrier]

"Why didn't you fight for him? You watched the love of your life get on the plane, and you just...said thank you and left?"

"That's exactly what I did, and as miserable as it makes me...I don't regret it. I can't regret it, not when that decision has the potential to make him happy. If I loved him less, I would have asked him to stay."

[front-facing-pokemon]

[dirtytransmasc]

the level of just... I don't want to be rude, but stupidity that just consumes this whole idea, I don't even know where to fucking start.

like what? what is this? some random person on the internet in the 20th century being a bastard is vastly different than 3 princes of the realm, son's of the heir, from a fantasy show/universe that can't be compared on a timeline, since its y'know, fictional and takes place in a fictional timeline, but most things point it being vaguely 12th century based. its not some fucking gotcha, like yup a lot of people nowadays are born out of wedlock, myself included, that totally nullifies any and all consequences of being a royal bastard at a time when being a bastard was literally a death sentence...

like what else should I say? this is just so nonsensical, I can't even come up with a response.

it's really tiring seeing TB fans strip the context and nuance from literally every scenario ever. like it was never really about them being bastards, it was about them being bastard prince's, that were still being pushed as legitimate heirs to not one, but two thrones, and were an active threats to multiple children (Alicent's children. Baela and Rhaena, cause if they hadn't been betrothed to Jace and Luke, which is a death sentence in its own right, would have to be taken out of the picture to secure the boy's reigns. their own legitimate siblings.), and the fact that its literal treason committed by the heir to the throne, who then did whatever it took to defend her lies, no matter who it hurt... like yes, people were mad that they were the bastard, but it was definitely influenced by all of the context surrounding it.

then there's the comments, which... jesus... these are my favs (warning, they're somehow more nonsensical):

so first off, we have this one, which, the logic is so far out the window I don't even think any amount of logical response can touch it. bastards are, by definition "a child born to parents who are not married to each other" which doesn't describe Alicent's children at all. just because they don't meet your weird, blood purity, eugenics type bullshit standards, doesn't make them bastards, it just makes you dense.

and then there's this one. just because it wasn't shoved down your throat so hard you can't even attempt to refute it, like it was in the show, in the books, doesn't mean it wasn't there, and doesn't mean its not true, your head just permanently takes residence in your ass. they were most definitely bastards in the books, they just showed it instead of told it, unlike the show that told you outright that they were.

I just want one day where TikTok doesn't give me a stroke, cause this damn near put me over the edge.

[welcometogrouchland]

[ID: 3 images. The first is a digital drawing of characters from the owl house. The drawing features (left to right) Amity, Luz, Willow, Hunter, and Gus, walking through the rain in the human realm after King's Tide. Amity is clinging onto Luz, staring at and leaning away from some muck on her shoe. Luz is stopped in her tracks with a startled face, staring at her surroundings. Willow is walking forward motioning for Luz to follow, looking up at the rain with worry. Hunter is holding willow's hand dragging her along. His expression is hard to read. He's ushering Gus, who has one hand near his chest and the other by his side. He is looking away from the group, distraught. Everyone is covered in scrapes and cuts, crying to some degree, and soaked with rain. The background shows the lashing rain over a dark blue background. The second is a close-up of the same drawing focused on Luz, Willow and Amity, the third is a close-up on Willow, Hunter and Gus. End ID]

I'm soooo normal abt the owl house finale. Like you guys I'm being soooo incredibly normal abt it rn-

[still-living-like-im-trying]

Ever realize that you get the best fic or AU ideas for a holiday after the holiday already passed?

Anyways, Sugarplum Prince Ambrosius sketch for a 'The Nutcracker AU' me and @j3ankimorit4 came up with:

[achenetype]

content warning: graphic violence, drug and alcohol use, slight dubcon if you squint, death, a lot of death actually, vomiting, eating disorders, riko-typical abuse, riko is his own warning, the ravens kind of all love and fuck each other because who else will, self-harm mentions, explicit sex, thoughts of suicide, the riko/reader/kevin situationship is so intense (here's the playlist, btw) , graphic descriptions of injury/surgery, ravens-typical cult/grooming behavior

thinking about the ravens again. this team of athletes bred to be the best of the best, the bloodiest of the bloodiest. the fierce competition for the top spots (and by extension proximity to riko). i know parties in the nest go fucking CRAZY, like i know there’s someone on the team who always has drugs or alcohol and sometimes this well oiled machine of a team likes to lose its shit.

imagining being a walk-on, freshman year. you’d committed to edgar allan university for their pre-medical program, been offered the best scholarship offer of your life, and in your first biology class this boy with sharp cheekbones and a sharper tongue sits down next to you. he asks you for a pencil, which you give him, and he introduces himself as riko moriyama. over the next few weeks, riko convinces you to come to tryouts for the school’s exy team, and because you’re a little starstruck at the thought that riko fucking moriyama wants you anywhere, you agree.

you hadn’t played exy since your sophomore year of high school, but you’re strong. you can run fast. you’re not afraid to fight dirty. the ravens sign you only minutes after you bruise your knuckles punching the mouth guard out of another freshman’s teeth. you hadn’t even gotten settled into your dorm, so moving out and moving into the nest was no big deal.

riko wants every raven to know every other raven, wants to have a network of sleeper cells through the whole school. your team has players from every major, every background. rich kids, poor kids, every ethnicity you could think of. the ravens are all-encompassing. they’re family. they’re everything. you get paired with someone, a sophomore with an easy smile and skin just a shade darker than yours, and you feel amazing for the first time since leaving your hometown.

the first party happens after you win a match against a school from new york city. it’s in the basement of the nest, this long, catacomb-like chamber that the ravens have turned into their own personal den of sin. you barely register a drink being shoved into your hand before your pair partner is dragging you through a sea of people in black and red to a small table in a back corner. he gestures to the powder cut into neat lines on a silver tray, squeezing your hand, and murmurs, “go on.”

the coke burns your nose like you’d inhaled water, but sharper. worse. from across the table, riko grins at you. his hair hangs messily around his face, loose and curly, and you want to lean into his sparkling space and kiss him, but his partner is right there, their arms linked together and his head resting on riko’s shoulder, and the hivemind has been doing its job—everyone knows that riko and kevin are a thing, are exclusive. you don’t stand a chance, especially not as a freshie walk-on.

your partner claps you on the shoulder and whoops. the music is loud enough to drown out what he says, but something shifts in the air. you’re one of them now. one of us. you drink until your vision goes fuzzy and the pounding of your head matches the bass of the music.

you wake up for practice feeling like shit. it shows.

you’re sloppy, aching and hungover, hungry and tired. it’s unacceptable. really, you deserve it when riko slaps you across the face in the middle of the court and sends you back to your dorm. you deserve it when you open the door and see him standing there, see the knife in his hand. you deserve whatever he carves into your back, even though it feels like he’s peeling your skin off. maybe he is. you’d let him do it anyway, would beg for his fingertips to unsheathe you from the body you spent so long trying to hate and hurt and perfect into something unattainable.

you throw up for the first time in months that night. it becomes a habit. eating in the nest is something that one has to dance around carefully. the running joke is that there are two types of ravens: the anorexics, and the bulimics. starve or puke. the result is the same: lean, hollow things that break when you throw them at each other. riko invites you to smoke with him and kevin and jean, the french boy with silver bands around his neat rows of locs, and you pass a pack of american spirit cigarettes between the four of you until you’re dizzy and nic-sick.

you think kevin doesn’t like you that much.

you think it until he drags you into the showers one day after practice and kisses you, mean, like he’s got something to prove and you’re the only person he cares about proving it to. you should have known something wasn’t right, because the press of riko’s body behind you makes you jump out of your skin. he’s got one hand on your neck, turning you to kiss him while kevin mouths at your jaw and collarbones, and one hand under the sleeve of your jersey, tracing over the uniform lines that cover your arm.

he asks you what you use. “box cutter,” you say breathlessly. “i take apart razors or pencil sharpeners when it’s not sharp enough.” you’re not sure why you tell him so easily, or why kevin drops to his knees and licks a stripe up your forearm, his tongue rolling over both your scars and riko’s fingers.

the second party happens a day later. it’s not technically a raven party—it’s a sigma pi frat party, but every sigma pi brother is also a raven, so it’s basically the same thing. you get tipsy, hit a few people’s weed.

you can’t remember when the last time you saw your pair partner was. god, you must be drunk. he was in your room….not today, not yesterday. maybe a few days ago. a week. before practice.

you realize that he didn’t come back with you in the same moment that you realize you’re going to puke.

in the bathroom, you lay on the cold tile and think about what else you’d forgotten, or just been told not to notice. you knew you weren’t the only member of the team to get beaten after a bad play. you remember rubbing ice over jean’s bruises, watching victoria swallow a small white pill dry after meeting riko for a debrief.

you wonder how many layers of makeup are hiding bruises in this house. you think you’d kill yourself if you had to count. you think you might kill yourself anyway.

(no, you won’t. you have no reason to. you’re untouchable. you have good grades. you have family. you have the ravens. you wouldn’t throw that away by cutting too deep or emptying your drug stash into your mouth.)

someone decides to play spin the bottle and kevin’s hand closes around your wrist, drags you into the circle with him and riko and jean, and a junior whose name is something with an m, manuel or martin or mickey. a few other people take spots—victoria, a freshman like you, but she was recruited from a private school in connecticut—alexei, a sophomore backliner whose english was about as good as his passes—a pair of seniors who give you an up-and-down glance as they sit.

you can feel their eyes resting on kevin’s hand clasped around your arm, jean’s shoulder brushing yours. they could burn a hole through you and into the ground with how hard they stare when riko taps your thigh, signaling you to spin the empty wine bottle first.

it lands on jean and the two of you swap spit for around five seconds before he pulls away. you smile at him. he doesn’t return it. something dark and sick curls up in your chest. you think you might puke again, or at least cough up whatever rot has taken root inside of you.

jean spins, kisses victoria, and retreats to find another drink. victoria makes out with alexei for what seems like a frankly embarrassing amount of time. alexei spins, tripping over his words as he does so, and ends up drooling into manuel’s mouth.

manuel’s spin lands on kevin, who accepts a kiss on the cheek before nudging the bottle with his foot so that it points at riko.

watching the two of them feels like watching a pair of animals try to eat each other alive. kevin swings one leg over riko’s lap and riko very unsubtly rolls his hips, leaning in to kiss kevin fast and sharp and hungry.

you’re so hungry. the alcohol swaying like liquid nitrogen in your stomach has done nothing to make you feel full, make you feel satisfied. you just feel empty and sick.

it gets worse when kevin snakes one hand up to yank riko’s hair, moving from kissing his mouth to sucking bruises into his exposed neck. riko tips his head back and laughs. as kevin matches riko’s rhythm, riko reaches around and spins the bottle, one decisive movement

the neck of it points to you. you feel your face heat up. riko inclines his head towards you in silent invitation.

this is a test, you think through the buzz of weed and alcohol.

you take a deep breath and turn to your left, and riko’s lips against yours feel like lightning. you can feel kevin still mouthing at riko’s neck next to you, the movement of his hips stuttering as riko thumbs over your cheek and lets his tongue slide against yours. “cmere,” he murmurs. “stop holding back.”

you’re not sure what makes you bold enough to catch his lip between your teeth and bite, but the little gasp that comes from riko is indication that you’ve done something right. you kiss him deeper, messier, spit slicking both of your mouths before pulling away.

there’s blood dripping from riko’s lips and you’re satisfied in a sick, wobbling way. kevin separates his face from the crook of riko’s neck to stare at you.

silent invitation. silent test. everything the ravens do is unspoken. you’d think the entire team had some kind of telepathy.

you end up pressed between them. you’re dizzy—the world sways in time with riko’s hand on your thigh, kevin’s mouth between his legs. everything slows to a crystallizing point. riko laughs as he guides you and kevin together, watching the two of you kiss, watching the desperate movement of the two of you against each other.

riko laughs and it sounds like bells. riko laughs and everything is perfect. the bass of whatever song is playing is pounding in your ears, muffled by the door that you're not sure if anyone locked.

when you wake up the next morning, you feel dead. you wish you were when you roll over and see kevin and riko in bed next to you, fitting together like perfect puzzle pieces.

you decide to go for a run before your morning practice, tugging on your shoes and jacket quietly so that neither of them wake up. your feet thud against the pavement as you turn around one corner of the school.

your legs burn. the hickeys on your thighs and chest burn with them, dull flickers of pain that remind you with every breath of riko’s mouth and kevin’s hands.

you’re early to practice that day. and the day after that. you climb the ranks, taking #10 and then #8 and finally, finally, settling on #6. you're second-string, which means you get to play almost every game because red cards are beautiful and impermanent and fold in half like the hinge of a door opening. you are real. you are exactly where you are meant to be.

winter break comes and the ravens are taking a team trip to the southern exy banquet. raise morale, get closer. all that. you lie to your parents and say you’re road tripping with your friends, which isn’t technically false, but it’s not true either. you fall asleep on the bus, your head resting on kevin’s shoulder.

it’s the safest you feel for a long time.

"team trip" turns out to be a rather misleading way to say "working our athletes until they pass out or die." you scream the first time someone collapses during sprints. you cover your mouth with your hand when a forty-pound weight caves in someone's chest and you can see the splinters of their ribs. as a pre-medical student, you end up treating those who survive.

by the time kevin comes to you, shaking and mute with his hand cradled close to his chest, you don't flinch. you memorize the position of the bones: carpals, metacarpals, phalanges. you memorize the look on kevin's face when you walk him to the hotel room of another team's coach after rearranging the bones and tendons of his hand to make the damage look half unintentional.

you memorize the lie riko tells you to tell everyone else. skiing accident. too fast. accident. accident. not on purpose. accident, meaning no one's fault, meaning avoidable, meaning, meaning, meaning.

(when kevin is gone and the rest of the team is on the bus back to west virginia, riko tells you the truth. he tells you between kisses that he didn't ask for but you give anyways. he tells you if you breathe a word i'll fucking kill you in low, guttural japanese, the language you'd been learning to talk only to him and kevin.

you nod, and quietly tell him nani mo iimasen. you won't say a thing.)

[ya-killin-me-smalls]

guess I'm gonna have to create traffic on madcom ao3 myself

[larsnicklas]

there’s something there though in my brain that again i can’t fully articulate right now bc i’m just sad about nicklas more than usual but the. uh. ghost isn’t quite right. and neither is hole, he hasn’t left a hole. maybe what i’m thinking and feeling is the concept of White Space in graphic design. the Absence that is its own presence; that brings into relief the elements around it. it’s like, all of this exists in relation to this space it’s surrounded by. does that make any sense at all. the team is there on the ice, in the room, on the plane, and he is not, and that in itself is how he is there

[gumjester]

TRUE HEARTS DAY CHAPTER ONE DONE LETS FUCKING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[mightymizora]

Man same disk horse happens time and time again huh