#because we are emotionally incapable of starting up a series in a Normal Way

[helssent]

guess who decided to start working on our own TMC Infection AU

[metvmorqhoses]

Hey there! I'd like to hear your thoughts about this. Jkr never put a lot of thought into voldemort as a character did she? The fact that his villainy is oversimplified to be "conceived under a love potion and hence can't love" although there are instances where he has loved. The narrative that is put forth is that every child who was conceived through unhealthy relationships, abandoning parents and difficult circumstances is destined to be incapable of love. (There are problems/issues because of these circumstances but it's not a doomed-to-be-unloved situation)

The abuse he faced or the trauma was never explained and neither was his nature which can be either perceived as arrogance or as self-preservation in his formative years..

I love your blog and analyses btw!🖤

i couldn’t agree more. i don’t know if you are familiar with what i usually write about voldemort as a villain and as an all-around character, but what you are talking about is not only something i always mention when i discuss him in a more complex, adult manner, but much more importantly is deeply linked to what i think about the hp series in general and to the one, major issue i have with it in particular. this is something i consider very important and, honestly, a topic that is never stressed enough: jkr wrote an overly black and white children book, where oversimplification is the fundamental fabric of everything and i find it all very problematic, to say the least.

i understand the series started as a children book and that characterizing so generically and so stereotypically serves as a great advantage to sell copies, since virtually everyone can draw their own conclusions about pretty much every single character of the series and therefore identify, but hp more often than not proudly poses as a moral compass, as a good-vs-evil lecture, aiming to accompany children into adulthood hand in hand (both the books and the movies literally grow in tone, length, targeted audience and themes with the children who are consuming them), so it’s not unfair of me to be concerned about what exactly these morals have been teaching children and then teens (myself included) for more than twenty years about reality, even as a fantasy series.

i often say the characterizations of its heroes is the thing that scares me the most about the hp series. the entirely of the “good guys” in these books lack basic normal human reactions. they all went through hell one way or another, harry constantly witnessing every last one of his family relations dying/growing up abused and hated/discovering he was raised literally to be slaughtered by the man he looked up to the most, ginny being possessed/forced to kill/almost murdered in tender age by the literal devil and whose trauma is never mentioned again, hermione having to erase the memories of her parents - you know, the list goes on and on. the one thing that all of them have in common tho, is their non-consequence to horror. and that’s wildly unhuman. aside from a little sadness, some stubborn dementors chasing bad memories and sporadic plot-serving nightmares, none of the heroes is really effected or damaged by what happens to them. when normal people would have spiritual crisis, ptsd, depression, manic episodes, you name it, jkr is feeding us the idea that really good, brave, strong, valuable people remain unaffected by trauma and that only the weak, wrong, damaged and therefore evil ones are. and i find it beyond disturbing.

paradoxically enough, voldemort is the only prominent example (probably along with snape and draco, but in a very different way) of “normal” human behavior when a child is exposed that much to trauma and abuse in tender age. jkr never really explains voldermort beyond her rhetorical “he’s wickedness personified” motto, yet the little characterization she gave him is entirely built around trauma - a trauma that she openly equates to evil. voldemort is a child born out of rape (there’s a metaphorical love potion and therefore he’s unable to love - leaving aside the idiocy of it, how sick is that? as if a child should carry the faults of his parents, as if all children born from rape were emotionally disabled or soon to be psychopaths! what exactly she wanted to prove with this point will forever be beyond me), a child abandoned to abuse and poverty in the middle of ww2, a child i’m sure shunned for his magical powers if not worse, a child without a single resource on the planet but himself, a child to whom no one, ever, not even later in the wizarding world, ever gave a helping hand or genuine affection (he was literally sent back to a world war because “no one can live in the school in the summer”, i mean!). of course he had to react to survive, of course all that left him scarred, because it didn’t leave him annihiliated! tom and harry share the condition of the orphan, but while harry was loved by his dead parents, glorified and rich and adored, voldemort was unwanted, discriminated against, bullied, poor and ignored. had dumbledore treated tom as he had treated harry (not that he treated harry that well if we really analyze it, but still), had his mother not abandoned him and died, jkr herself said lord voldemort would have probably never existed.

is this a correct way to stereotype human nature? is this a good message to give children? the only plausible human in there is the psychopathic super villain who is physically unable to love?

i like to think voldermort differently. i do think he could, of couse he could, actually love - as we all can if we allow ourselves to. he’s too complex, too intelligent, too whole as a character to lack anything, both for the good and for the bad. i like to think that maybe amortentia (aka the entirety of his early life experiences) left him dissociated and unable to *understand* his feelings in general and love in particular. maybe he didn’t dare to love anyone. maybe he dared once.

i like to think this way because the way jkr characterizes is nothing short of a disgrace.

the question people ask me the most is precisely this, if i think i’m giving voldemort much more depth than the author actually intended in the first place. my answer is always the same - yes, of course i do. voldemort is beautiful the way i imagine him, as a real plausible person, as a deeply flawed and multifaceted and scarred human being who turned to darkness in search for a home and a reason and that had ultimately found one, as terrible as it was. he certainly deserved more, from a literary point of view. yet i understand it was convenient and safe for jkr to only ever play with his godly, evil, black and white facade.

[linkspooky]

What are your top 5 Tokyo Ghoul characters?

I love to talk about  how much I love my faves. If you ever ask want to ask me who my faves are for a series feel free to send me an ask.

1. Who do you Fight for? - Koori Ui

Seidou has the best character growth, but my undisputed favorite just in terms of character in Tokyo Ghoul has been Ui. What I like about Ui is that he hides all of the good things about him, and shows all of his most unlikable qualities on the surface. He’s jealous, spiteful, vindictive and far too judgemental on the other people around him. He basically acts like a hardass who has no friends because his entire life is his work. 

But then once you actually get to know Ui as a character, you understand the profound sense of loneliness that affects him and all of his actions. The reason Ui acts so impersonally and even looks down on others so much is because he’s a soldier in a brutal and terrible war that has caused him to cauterize all of his emotional wounds with the burnt end of his cigarette in order to try to continue living.

Ui cares so deeply, but he never lets that caring show because he’s afraid of those feelings. He’s actually the most emotional character in the cast, the most sincere, the most deeply invested, but he is so afraid to let those feelings out of him because they will completely destroy him.

The most intersting thing about Ui’s character is that they do, we see his own grief destroy him. We see his mind deteriorate with loss after loss. Yet, Ui is so self aware in an ugly and visceral way of exactly what kind of terrible person he is, and the awful things he’s doing that he never stops being relatable evne in the middle of his descent to hell. 

Ui can’t properly love other people, but he’d willingly walk into hell for the sake of the people he loves. And in the end, unlike Kaneki and Amon who are blind to their own selfishness, Ui admits he was doing it for himself, and his own grief. Ui’s selflessness, and his deep connection to others has the opposite effect, it does not make him a good person it drives him insane and makes him more selfish. His empathy is not a magic fix-it-all glue that makes others love him, it’s a trait that actively harms him for caring. 

2. Hurry up and Die, Hurry up! - Hairu Ihei

It’s obvious that Hairu is one of my faves, she’s the other half of my all time OTP for this series. What I love about Hairu is the opposite about what I love with Ui. Ui cares too much, whereas Hairu only cares about herself. She’s physically incapable of caring about others, at least not in normal ways. 

Which is why she’s such a perfect example fo what happens to children in the garden. They are all of them, broken and unable to ever be fixed, and all of them trying to live in this broken, half formed state. Hairu thinks that love is the magic glue that will fix her and lives her entire life for the sake of that love. She literally murders people en-masse because she believes that will get her a little more praise. 

What is so interesting about Hairu is how affection starved she is. Literally, one person comforting her by patting her on the head once earns him her lifetime devotion. She lives and dies for the person who showed her the bare minimum of affection. 

Hairu is literally off in her world because she can’t uderstand people. She can’t emotionally connect to them, because she’s broken and she’s about to hit her expiration date as well. And we see this in her character, how desperate she is to connect, and yet at the same time how distant she is from others and how little empahty she has for their pain. Hairu is brutal, she slaughters people, she plays around with them like a cat playing with their food, she could not care less about the suffering of ghouls if it gets her what she wants. But she’s so driven to that point by desperation to be loved, not geniune malice. 

She’s in her own world and doesn’t understand people’s feelings because she’s always been alone, but everything she does to try to escape being alone only isolates her further until it all ends on her at once. A perfect princess, Hairu Ihei’s tower collapses on her and her head is crushed underneath a falling rock. 

3. I would dream of that day, saving you guys, making me a hero - Seidou Takizawa

Seidou’s character is someone I admire for how relatable they are for all of their faults, but also how strong they are for constantly grappling with those faults. In a manga where characters constantly run away from who they are and their uglier sides, Seidou is completely honest with himself and knows the terrible things he’s done. He’s introduced as a selfish, entitled little brat, but then we see him actively get punished for that by being given everything he wants. He gets to be a special person like Juzou and Akira, he gets to be strong like them, he loses everything like them and it drives him completely insane. 

Seidou is a walking inferiority complex, and he’s also someone who genuinely wants to be a better person so he can help the people around him. He genuinely desired to do good and be a hero. Seidou stays true to both of these traits at once, even when he flips from human to ghoul. They are both essential to the core of who he is. 

What’s interesting about Seidou is he’s constantly fighting himself, because he thinks he’s so unworthy of the other people around him. He’s self destructive and always puts himself down, but his feelings of caring for others eventually become so sefless. He loves other people while being aware of their flaws, and aware of their own flaws. 

And constantly confronting himself, his own trauma, and the terrible things he’s done like this is something that only hurts him, isolates him, and drives him insane but he’s the one who decided to live that way and he follows through until the end. No character is more human because Takizawa actually owns up to his human flaws and is constantly facing with them and deciding to live with them. 

4. I hate all of them. Everyone go die, everyone drop dead. - Urie Kuki

Urie is such a bad person, and that’s such a sexy trait to have in a character. I don’t think people who like Urie grasp what a terrible person he is, and really that’s such a shame they’re missing out on all the fun. It’s not just that he’s mean to Sasaki, or verbally dismissive of others. Urie is two-faced, he secretly despises and looks down on everyone. Urie is a child soldier raised in an abusive system, and espite being a victim of that system he has no awareness at all of how much the system victimizes people and devotes all of himself to rising to the top of that system. He actively abuses and endangers the other people around him constantly to rise to the top of that system.

Urie is so selfish that everything he does in the end is for himself. His strength is to protect his weak self, his hatred for others is to keep them at a distance because he feels constant inferiority to them. Even when he tries to protect others, it’s because he doesn’t want to have to confront feelings of loss ever again. 

Urie is just such a terrible person at handling his own little weak emotions, that he always buries them so deep and gets surprised when he goes berserk and lashes out on everyone around him. He’s not strong or even a particularly good leader, he’s a pitiful coward who can’t even have the smallest of humna conversations or confrontations with Mutsuki out of paralyzing fear of losing them.

His entire identity has been based around this oppressive system and because of it, Urie is utterly destroyed as a person. He’s just a total human failure. Which makes him my type of man.

5. “People who need reasons to do things are just trash” - Furuta Nimura

Furuta Nimura is the main character of the tragedy, the hero that tragically falls at the end. Nimura was born in the center of the tragedy, and let himself become as ugly as the world around him. But yet until the end he always used that ugliness in himself to fight against it, rather than succumbing to it.

Nimura is paradoxically, one of the most selfish, violent and cruel characters we see in the series, and yet he does not do a single thing for himself, and everything he does is for the sake of a peace which he himself never expected to live to see. 

Furuta is a terrible person who does terrible things, but he’s also actively aware of this in everything he does. He’s so painfully aware that it crushes his identity and he has to live as something other than human, to continaully wear masks and hide himself in order to just survive. He chose to be the villain instead of the hero because that’s what the world needed him to be. 

What destroys Furuta in the end is the human side he repressed, because he never allowed himself to be human. Not only that but the world around him would never allow him to be either since the day he was born. He’s a child soldier planning a double suicide with the world. He takes all of the ugliness he has witnessed and throws it back in the face of others. There’s no character driven by more powerful, darker emotions than Furuta, and start to finish his tragedy is the backbone fo the entire story. He’s the strongest connecting thread, which makes him a character as ugly, painful and complex as the world around him. 

But that’s all just a joke. He’s actually just a memelord without feelings. There’s no way he’s actually sad about his life, he’s too busy laughing at others.PS: Laugh, it’s fun! 

[cerastes]

So, I’m at That Part in Oregairu again and

Man, okay... Hayama hates Hachiman’s methods, but he knew that this could only be solved if he did that, something only he could do, something only he would dare to do, and hated himself for an eternal 6 hours because he could to turn to no one else to Save The Status Quo(tm) he loves so much. The pangs of guilt are palpable. That’s one thing.

Then there’s Yukino. She didn’t exactly hate the way he did things due to her being severely emotionally and emphatically stunted... Until recently. Now that she can actually rationalize this, now that she has seen the consequences and results of Hachiman doing things his way with the School Festival Arc, she knows what it entails for him to do this, and she hates it. She’s still not at a place where she can put it in words, “It frustrates me that I can’t explain why, but...”, this must be the first time in years, if not ever, that she’s actually angry for someone else, for how someone else treats themselves, for how someone else is so eerily willing to commit social suicide, to play the “I Sacrifice Myself” card in order to ‘flawlessly’ solve a problem, because, you see, it’s not flawless at all. The kind of ‘selfless act’ that is often celebrated and romanticized in other pieces of similar media, becoming a scapegoat yourself to ensure the solution of something, no matter how noble and well thought out that is, is immediately admonished. Yukino, whose introduction makes her the single least empathetic person in the world, has grown enough that she grows furious over Hachiman pulling off like this again, to an even deeper, darker depth than before. It’s a dagger to the heart, self-sacrifice is often oh so romanticized and idealized in media, but... Is that really the way we would act? Would we really be proud of someone we hold dear in our lives destroying themselves? Is that something to congratulate and celebrate? This was the moment I actually started liking Yukino, because buddy, I did not like her before this moment.

But, see, that’s not the end of it. Hayama and Yukino both are Rubix Cubes of issues. What about the opinion of someone closer to the “light” of society? Someone not emotionally stunted?

Well,

This is the real haymaker. Hayama is one thing, Yukino is another similar thing, the only thing truly differentiating the two of them being the level of familiarity they have with Hachiman. But Yui? Yui is, pardon the expression, the perfect ‘Normie’. Yui is not emotionally stunted, has no dark past, isn’t haunted by events that lead her to put on a perpetual mask or to become incapable of empathy like our two previous subjects, she’s as regular as they come, in the best way possible: Funny, cheerful, with her quirks, pros and cons. A perfectly normal person that stands out because she’s not a spaghetti of issues like our other beloved subjects. It’s precisely because of that that her words ring loudest and harshest: She, who has shown to be a conformist, she, who takes comfort in the status quo, she, who sees things from the lens of an Average Jane unburdened from the crosses the others carry on their shoulders, she, she, has this to say. 

It’s not too different from what Yukino had to say. Not too different, but the nuance, the manner, the means, oh, it changes it all. No riddles, no sophisms, a straight, honest truth loosed truer than any arrow: “It’s not about whether you get the job done or not, Hachiman, it’s what it costs to get it done, because the way you do things, it’s not worth winning if victories hurt you this much. How do you think we, who like you as a person and love you as a friend, feel when we see you use yourself so nonchalantly as a sacrifice?”

And it stings. It aches like salt upon wounds. Up until now, we’re celebrating the reckless, brazen ways in which this loner is ‘effectively’ dealing with all problems thrown at him, and then, we realize: This is nothing to celebrate. This is nothing to romanticize. Just because a small, closed circle of friends understands the meaning and depth of our decision to use ourselves as sacrifices to bring forth a solution doesn’t mean they should simply chuckle and say, “Well done”. They are in their right to feel upset at this, you could say it’s maybe even their duty to feel upset, because it’s simply agonizing to bare witness to a loved one’s self-destruction, regardless of the cause.

The message, the build up, the lighting, the colors, the music, the way the voice talent deliver the scene, especially Yui’s voice actress, who acted the hell out of this scene, all of these aspects work together to bring forth what I believe to be the strongest scene in Oregairu. It’s painful, agonizingly so, but it’s necessary, and from here, we go to a series of legitimately uncomfortable and tense episodes. The use of silences, of ‘camerawork’, of everything, it just hurts so genuinely for such a good reason, because, and let me perhaps dip my knee deep into the puddle here, the word “crisis” finds its roots in the Greek word “krisis”, meaning “turning point of a disease”: It’s not necessarily negative. It can be a positive or negative turning point, one that can decide whether we heal or die. This is the krisis in Oregairu, the turning point, where growth becomes just as possible as stagnation, and you really, really hope it’s not stagnation, for the love of everything, you really hope so.

It is, without a doubt, my favorite scene in all of the franchise.

[writingonesdreams]

Novel Prep tag Game 3 - New wip: Flickers in the dust

So a new wip, another Novel prep tag game. These questions are just perfect for testing and developing ideas so here we go.

Rules: Answer the questions and then tag as many writers as there are questions answered (or as many as you can) to spread the positivity! Even if these questions are not explicitly brought up in the novel, they are still good to keep in mind when writing.

1. Describe your novel in 1-2 sentences (elevator pitch)

The question: How can a bunch of people with "useless" skills survive an post-apocalyptic world?

Impassive procastrinator Alysa travels with her self-destructive childhood friend Kyle, and the energetic 8 yeal old neighbour Iris, with the delinquent but vigorous boxer Roman and his werewolf friend Wes through the desolated world left after the apocalypse, trying to reach a better life in a bigger city.

2. How long do you plan for your novel to be? (Is it a novella, single book, book series, etc.)

A novel for now.

3. What is your novel’s aesthetic?

Dusty wastelands. Long field road. Vacant ghost towns and abandoned cars. Dust storms. Constant dark cloudy sky.

4. What other stories inspire your novel?  

Megalo Box, Wolf’s rain, The promised Neverland, Ergo Proxy

5. Share 3+ images that give a feel for your novel

6. Who is your protagonist?

Alysa is a talented, thoughtful girl and former child prodigy, but she had trouble deciding what she wanted from life and started to fail her university exams. Her lack of self-discipline, motivation or healthy socilaization led her to believe she is quite unfit for the adult life or the world in general. After the apocalypse happenes she is forced to drastically change her priorities and negative thinking for the sake of survival.

7. Who is their closest ally?

Kyle is emotionally abused, burned-out genius with a self-destructive streak and fondness for dark humor. His will to live and emotional stability has steadily decreased over the years. Staying alive has been enough of a challange, so activelly fighting to survive seems like a pretty impossible feat to him.

8. Who is their enemy?

The desolated world after the apocalypse and it’s survival challanges, including insane mutated humans, ruthless gangs, isolated research centers, way too intelligent wolf packs and their struggle not to give up on their will to live.

9. What do they want more than anything?

The main characters want to be capable enough to survive and in addition to that live in a somehow meaningful way. To find out what's really important and what's the main difference between survival and living.

10. Why can’t they have it?

Alysa was pretty much a failing existence when it came to finding her place in the adult society and now she is supposed to survive in a world that's 100 times worse after the apocalypse. How can she do that when she had trouble surviving in the normal one?

Kyle struggled to find reasons to stay alive after his emotional abuse and depression. He has been saved by his friends and family from this, but now it's not just his survival at stake. Will a boy that had to be constantly saved from himself, be able to save someone else?

Roman was a boxer and convict before the apocalypse happened. His violent past marked him as unfit to decent people, but ironically made him exceptionally suitable for this destroyed world- he pretty much has better chances for a good life now then before. Does this make him a bad person? Does he deserve to win against the world or will he change to match it's cruel conditions?

11. What do they wrongly believe about themselves?

Alysa believes she is worthless and incapable as a person.

Kyle feels like he is living on borrowed time anyway and doesn't see any perspectives for himself.

Roman isn’t sure if his abilities to survive that are based on his violent past don’t make him a bad person.

12. Draw your protagonist! (Or share a description)

Alysa is tall and slender girl, has middle long wavy blond hair, light blue eyes and ivory skin. She has very delicate features and is rather pale.

Roman is muscular and tall with tanned olive skin, black curly hair and amber eyes. He is covered in scars, most notably on his chest, arms and neck.

Kyle is tall, lanky and not visibly muscular even though he is trained in martial arts. He has a bit longer black hair, with bangs falling in his eyes, very pale skin and grey eyes.

Wes in his human form has dirty blond curly hair and eyes that change from green-blue to black according to his mood. He has dusty grey fur in his wolf form.

Iris has short red hair and vibrant green eyes.

Plot Points

13. What is the internal conflict?

The characters struggle with their will to live in a destroyed world and with their feelings of worthlessness and inaptitude to fend for themselves or build happy lives.

14. What is the external conflict?

Surviving in the destroyed world, maturing and growing stronger, adapting to change and fighting for themsleves in a world that is aiming to make it as hard as possible for them.

15. What is the worst thing that could happen to your protagonist?

To die because they gave up on life instead of the world actually killing them. Losing to the harsh conditions of the world would be better then losing to themselves (albeit not much).

16. What secret will be revealed that changes the course of the story?  

How do you not give up when everything seems hopeless? Who is the worse enemy in this destroyed world - the mutated monsters or the humans left? Where does the will to carry on come from? Is it possible to hold on to humanity in a world of ruin? And what is it that makes us human?

17. Do you know how it ends?  

Nope. I’m happy I don’t, since it makes it seem like a very exciting story to work on!

18. What is the theme?  

Self-worth, aptitude for life, will to live, not giving up, true companions, bonds, drive, meaning

19. What is a reoccurring symbol?  

Dust, wind, dark sky, endless road, storms

20. Where is the story set? (Share a description!)  

A destroyed post-apocalyptic Earth, where the majority of the population died and the rest flocks together in desperation into cities for protection from the zombie-like humans affected by the radiation and mutated over-intelligent wolves.

21. Do you have any images or scenes in your mind already?  

Many scenes, dialogues, themes, flashes of setting and atmosphere.

22. What excited you about this story?

Something about the destroyed post-apocalyptic world fascinates me. It’s a plot around survival and hard conditions forcing the protagonists to face their inner demons and self-doubts if they want to survive and have the will and drive to fight, witch often makes the difference between life and death. Also the necessity for the characters to trust and rely on each other and their group dynamics development is very exciting.

23. Tell us about your usual writing method!  

I always start with characters that I stick in different scenarios or in my favourite movies and series or books and let them interact. From those I mostly get inspiring scenes that I try to connect through a plot. Afterwards I work on characterisation, world-building, research details and outline stuff a bit. I also write little snippets that sometimes turn long and can be used as chapters.

-

I'm tagging a few peeps I haven't seen doing this game if you are interested: @piratequeenofpixies @imaghostwriter @tenacious-scripturient @writingwhithotchocolate @cabaretofwords @nemowritesstuff @emmathenovelist  @bos-ingit @my-desk-is-full-of-used-pens @purpleshadows1989 @whiteblack-raindrops @surroundedbypearls & anyone who wants to!

Wip tag list:  @tenacious-scripturient @hyba @urbanteeth (tell me if you want to get on/off)

[natsunoomoi]

Still thinking about that ending

It’s been weeks and I am shocked by how much it weighs on my mind. I’ve literally rewatched scenes several times, played things over, Googled other people’s interpretations, read Through His Eyes twice, done image searches, and a bunch of things. I just keep thinking about his story and also relating it to other villains in the franchise and even apocalyptic doomsday plot lines in other series.

I’ve just found Emet-Selch/Hades to be extremely compelling. I still don’t agree with his perspective in thinking shard people are lesser, but I can understand how he got to that conclusion. I don’t agree with his solution, but I can understand how he came to choose it and how he can continue to stick to it. I can empathize greatly with his outburst against Alphinaud questioning how he can view their two positions as equal as its also flat out a normal response to grief and loss.

There’s just a number of things....But like, he isn’t wrong about the frailty and weaknesses of people. We see that everyday in how our species can be so involved in greed and vice and hedonism for the sake of selfishness. That stuff is true and not wrong, and sometimes those things make me wonder whether or not the death of us all due to not being able to stop climate change is deserving. But at the same time, thinking only of those things also ignores all of the beautiful things our species is able to create. Our fragility and ephemeral natures are what make our life special and urge us to create beautiful art and appreciate life. We also have an incredible capacity to care for others and to surpass expectations with sheer will if we want to, but as they say in Spider-Man, with great power comes great responsibility and it is unfortunate that some people wield what power they have irresponsibly to the point that the rest of us can’t have nice things.

And like that point he makes is also expressed in X/1999 as well through the Dragons of Earth. That’s another influential work on me and I actually totally root for the Dragons of Heaven, but I also like a number of the members of the Dragons of Earth and I don’t find them to be wrong either. The earth in that story will either way be reborn, but the point of contention is whether or not humans will be included in it. The Dragons of Earth fight for a rebirth without humans entirely while the Dragons of Heaven fight so that humans can be given a second chance to take better care of their home. The ironic thing is that the Dragons of Earth also include essentially a lab experiment created through genetic and bio-engineering science that was once a little girl that was terminally ill, and the other a technopath that can talk with machines. Both things represent the innovations of mankind, but also mankinds step into taboo territory of science where they do science for science’s sake with moral ambiguity and don’t stop to think if they should do something. They are examples of humans playing god and the lines between what is a life and what isn’t becoming blurry. To that end, Satsuki the technopath, asks one question of Yuzuriha about the position of the Dragons of Heaven about why humans are deserving to be included in the rebirth. It’s so poignant because the Dragons of Earth are themselves humans and her powers as well as Nataku’s exist because of human innovation. Yuzuriha isn’t able to answer at all though and so Satsuki kills her guardian dog. But Satsuki isn’t really being evil, she just wanted Yuzuriha to think and answer and there’s all kinds of answers and she really just wanted to know why it’s okay to prioritize human life above all others. It’s a fair question giving what they are fighting for but not one she really cared for an answer to. She just wanted Yuzuriha to actually think about her position rather than just take for granted that her side is saving people. But I think it’s true too because why is it okay to kill animals, but not people? I’m not a vegetarian, but even outside the food industry often our businesses and way of life displace animals in favor of space for us. I admit I do so too in terms of how I kill spiders and bugs that enter my home, but they are just doing them. Plus when a lot of Westerners think of solar panels they only think of “empty space” as in no humans live there, but actually there’s no space on the planet that is truly actually unoccupied as there may be a local ecosystem there that you just don’t see. But if people make that comment, they obviously are only considering people and not the animals. And oil companies go to places for oil because human life requires the use of oil and it is in demand because of how we live, but oil rigs even in the ocean cause a risk to marine life not just from spills but from the mere presence of a foreign object sitting in the middle of the damn ocean. On the daily we prioritize human convenience and life over the lives of the plants and animals around us. I realize this at the same time knowing I am guilty of it too just as everyone else living in a city. I wouldn’t give up doing it either because I find this way of living in an apartment with electricity comfortable, but if I have to think overall for the good of the planet if I deserve to live this way more than the plants and animals that had to sacrifice to give me this space, I have doubts. While I do this to not live like a total hermit recluse and my comforts and entertainment and way of life are fundamentally unnatural, I know somewhere along the line there is a cost. I am unable to compel myself to give it up completely and I suspect most humans would too, so I wonder sincerely if it would be better if humans didn’t exist.

And to be fair, the Dragons of Earth would also question whether or not the Ascians even deserved to exist either. If we’re applying their logic to XIV as well. It’s not like they would take Emet-Selch’s side. I would like to be optimistic about Amaurotine life and think they are better than us without malice, but I can’t be sure. He’s also tempered so you can’t really tell how much truth he told. But I really think the Dragons would wonder if any humans even godlike humans like them even deserved to have so much creation power if it could go haywire in a moment of anxiety, and if they viewed themselves with a superiority complex. The idea for the Dragons is that humans are incapable of coexisting just as the Ascians seem to be incapable of coexisting with the shard planets.

I also just can’t imagine his burden. Like the Scions we play us chose to take up the mantle and fight for the betterment of their lives and other people. They self-started themselves into their situation. Emet-Selch was elected. He was chosen by his people to be a leader and to save them. He was bestowed the responsibility as a representative of them. While I don’t agree with his methods and I can’t imagine that if he did resurrect his people and home that all of them would be all that happy about what he did to do it, I can imagine that is an immense pressure to have to bear and the feeling of failure of being unable to do it or even if he was the one who designed the plan and it failed spectacularly or didn’t go how he expected on top of any possible manipulation he may be experiencing from Zodiark itself. I think perhaps at the time panicked citizens gathered outside the meeting place of the Convocation and clamored for salvation and express their faith in them to please save them. He was respected as one of the most brilliant of them and it seemed their faith in him was quite strong for them to elect him. Imagining the perspective of someone in the position of leader while all hell is breaking loose, I can imagine how that scene can compel a person to fulfill a promise at all costs even if it starts to become murder-y and crazy. Like he probably has imprinted on his mind all of the people down to the smallest child looking up at him and depending on him to help them to continue to live. And it’s just, I don’t know how you forget that even if they all die. It probably haunts you in your sleep, and forces you to re-promise every night to save them. And bear in mind, I still think he’s wrong because the dead are dead. The gone and sacrificed are just gone, but those memories must be there and could be just enough to keep him sticking to his plan. Plus in his grief he recreated his home. He had a point in doing it too, but he did it in such incredible detail. It’s likely there’s bias in it, and I find it amazing that there is an operable store that will actually sell you goods (from a game development perspective it totally makes sense to have something there for the player to get supplies, but seriously from a narrative perspective having an operable store in a town of shades where no one will actually buy anything is depressing af), it’s depressing to know his level of grief to know that he chose to hang out there.

There’s just so many layers too it, I just sit in awe thinking about it.

And then of course, there’s just that he tried. He built up two fascist empires in Allag and Garlemalde for sure, but along the way he had moments where he tried. The Through His Eyes story is just heartbreaking at the end where he talks about his son and where he had hope that maybe the shard people would be okay, but then had all of his hopes dashed when his son died prematurely. Like I can imagine everything going fine with him and he’s going through the motions and doing his plan, but he actually gets emotionally struck by this little baby and watched him grow into a young man. But despite all of his advantages and privilege he dies to an illness reminding him that shard people aren’t all that hearty. He must have experienced similar time and time again as he chose to live among the people. Like the story even talks about how he had concerns of political enemies and even allies that eventually stabbed him in the back as he rose to power as Solus, and I can understand how that can make someone a bit jaded in general, and I mean anyone can get jaded if the people around them that helped to give them their support are all douchebags waiting for their time. Part of it is who you surround yourself with, but I mean, in a political arena where you rise to power to run a country like that, you have a lot of people vying for the same thing so you run into a lot of characters like that. Often, the nice people who don’t pull that shit don’t even bother to take positions like that. Power corrupts absolutely, and let’s even say that outside of him trying to do the Rejoining thing so that he can have his home back he also tried and dabbled in being a decent person as he rose up. Possible considering he funded a theatre troupe and sponsored the arts. He could have tried to be a decent ruler at the same time as trying to bring the end of the world, and maybe in those times where he was trying to be decent he thought about maybe not following through only to have a trusted aid or someone stab him in the back with some kind of political intrigue. It’s possible there was some actual goal-post shifting in his desire to search for hope among the people, but also it’s hard to not be horribly disappointed by people when they do that to you. Like I’m melodramatic sometimes and when something goes wrong, I just say “Ugh, I hate everyone,” but if he experienced that for real, there’s a reasonable amount of expectation that he might feel like shard humans are a waste of space.

And well, his grief. Like he gets really upset when Alphinaud tries to point out that their goals are essentially the same where they are trying to save their respective people and treat the situations like they are equal and he gets upset and says that they are not. He doubles down on the shard people being lesser because they are fragments, which I think is wrong, but I think also Alphinaud is wrong for thinking he can completely understand how Emet-Selch feels. This here is a lesson in grief in general. When you lose something, particularly people you care about, there’s bereavement. You feel like there’s a hole inside you. I felt this when my Dad died. It hurts so much and it’s completely unforgettable. It gets easier to live with because after awhile you just get tired of crying and wallowing in depression and it gets easier to cope with, but the mistake a lot of people make when something bad happens to others is they can say the words, “I know how you feel” when they are trying to give sympathy. I understand it’s the thought that counts and they are trying to say that they understand that you are sad, but sometimes people get angry when they hear that because actually there is no possible way for any other human being on the planet to actually *know* how you feel. Other people may have been able to experience loss and understand loss because they have loss too or have people they also want to protect as is in the case in this game, but every person’s experience is also different. Like I loved and still love my Dad, but part of the horror after his death was finding out from all of his friends and our extended family that he was a different person to everyone. It makes sense that he is because we all had different interactions with him, but when he died I felt like I didn’t know who he was because I learned so many things about him after he died from different people that I just felt lost and felt like I didn’t really know him even though I was his daughter. I had so many questions left and a part of myself and my dreams died with him. As an aside, this is probably especially moving for me at this time of year as the last Christmas he was alive I opted to stay in LA because I had to work and it would be difficult for me to go home for the holidays because I couldn’t get enough time off. Then between Christmas and New Year’s he had a heart attack and was in the hospital for a month and eventually died at the start of February the next year. And like, other people have experienced their father dying, but no one else had to experience the regret of choosing not to go home for what would turn out to be his last Christmas. That was my choice and my experience of his death. No one else made that choice. No one else had to experience coming as soon as I could for New Year’s to visit him in the hospital and just think he was going to be okay only for him to not be able to recover and then die after a surgery. My other family members were there and watched it happen for sure, but they experienced it in their own ways that was separate from mine as I had to go back to work. My sister was even still in school and didn’t talk to the doctors directly while I did, so I fundamentally have different memories and experiences of that time, and even feel slightly different about the whole thing because of that and because of my specific relationship with my Dad. So my grief is incomparable to literally anyone else in the world. I try not to be a dick to people who mean well and try to sympathize or even empathize with me with their own experience, but I totally understand the position of people who do when it happens to them because there is literally no possible way any other person in the world could possibly get it and understand how you feel. I am crushed and heartbroken over that still even though I’ve since healthily moved on with my life, but it still makes me sad and it’s nothing in comparison to losing way more people who may be more or less precious than that, your entire home, and having the weight of the responsibility of being the one person that was in charge of that. I wasn’t really in charge of my Dad’s affairs. My Uncle took the lead on that so I fortunately didn’t have to worry about a lot or do any daily check-ins with the doctors, but my sister and I both had the privilege to decide when we wanted to take him off life support. So I dunno, I can kind of imagine the weight of responsibility, but also completely understand that my situation is nothing in comparison to the weight this character must have felt. It’s not only not quite comparable on the in-game kind of racist basis of shard people vs full Amaurotines, but not comparable in terms of the actual grief or responsibility.

For me especially, knowing all that, there’s so much compelling about the character and so much I want to say to him that the game won’t let me. Even to kind of scold Alphinaud a little too for being a bit to presumptuous.

Grief though is....a terrible partner. It can linger with you for some time, and there’s so many clues to it in Emet-Selch’s behavior. A lot of people point to his slouching, and I noticed the peculiar shape of his eyebrows. No matter what his visage or expression his eyebrows are in perma-grief/sorrow position. That furrowed look a person has when they are sad. But even more than that, in re-watching his scenes I noticed how much he likes talking about sleeping and taking naps and how fond he is of passing the time that way. It didn’t hit me until I re-watched them and a lot of the fandom writes it off as laziness, but no, that is grief. That is depression and mourning. That was how I spent a good chunk of the first year. Sure I went to work and went through the motions of life, but I enjoyed sleep so much. It passed the time and meant less time and opportunity for my brain to think about how my Dad was gone. In my dreams and sleep too I would dream of him. Like I’d dream of being in the passenger seat of his car and we’re just driving somewhere. In real life sometimes it was nowhere in particular. Like a couple of times he’d just take us cruising and go somewhere and like his 2nd or 3rd car he had that I remember before he totaled it, there was a turbo in the car and he’d make us laugh by using it on off-ramp turns when we’re getting off the freeway. And when I sat in the front seat, I’d have my hand to my side and at the lights and times when he didn’t need his hand on the stick, he’d hold my hand and rub the back. When he died I escaped my reality by dwelling a lot of my free time in sleep and naps so I wouldn’t have to face the reality that he was actually gone. There’s no time limit though on grief and bereavement, and I had it so bad for one person that I was particularly close to for quite a long time. I can’t imagine how I would be myself to lose everything. The first year for me was the worst, but I think I was severely affected for at least 3-5 years. I slept so much. I never erased his number from my phone’s SIM card either. I was scared to. His number was surely given away to another person, but I had to get my phone stolen before I finally lost it. After the funeral, I didn’t even unpack my bag from the trip. My duffel just sat there in the middle of the room for at least a month because I didn’t want to open it and have to face that I went to a funeral.

On top of that, I have anxiety from trauma and different childhood stuff and other kinds of insecurities, and more recently PTSD from the trauma of harassment, but I’m in a healthier place now. I’m a lot more balanced and happy and I’m okay. When I wasn’t though I wasn’t a good person. I still tried to be a good person, but there were a lot of times where I was selfish or crazy now that I look back on it, and it’s just when you are grieving or even in the middle of your mental health battles it is so hard to keep everything straight and to not be awful. It doesn’t excuse my behavior, and it doesn’t excuse Emet-Selch’s either, but I can also see he’s being a dick because he’s suffering and probably not entirely in his right mind from grief on top of being tempered to Zodiark. Grief makes you fucking crazy. I just can’t even begin to imagine the little neurotic things that he must have started doing to cope even though I know all the little stupid things I did to try to get through it. I cried every time I saw a reminder of my Dad too, but like he can also see souls and sees reminders all the time. You get numb to it after awhile, but I can just imagine that is some kind of hell.

So just all of that together, after all those end-game scenes I just came to love the character so much. I just can’t hate him.

And then I was like looking up character rankings and other people’s interpretations and love for him. He’s not included yet in any official rankings, but a number of people who have played several FFs have found him to be one of their favorites of the entire franchise. Man, I think he deserves it though.

A lot of people compare him to Ardyn though, and I understand Ardyn’s story too and I see him as sympathetic, but XV wasn’t really executed well so I wasn’t able to really experience sympathy for him as I should have. Like logically I understand, but I don’t really feel it and I found him so much more annoying during the time I did see him that I just can’t really feel for him. It’s more an execution level problem.

Then I was reading a bunch of people commenting on Kuja from IX and I understand Kuja too, but at the same time still don’t feel it. Like I can’t connect why having a shorter life or anything would still compel someone to be murder-y. Like I feel bad for him still, but I also think like he could have just as well rebelled by being a complete foil and saving everyone instead of doing his intended mission of destruction. Plus like IX wasn’t as good as I hoped.

And then like, to this day I still don’t really understand Kefka’s appeal. Like a lot of people like him because he’s crazy? So people like him because he’s like the Joker, but I find even the Joker to be more interesting than Kefka and Kefka gives me the creeps because I hate clowns. For some reason I’m okay with the Joker, but I hate all other clowns. I played through all of VI and I just don’t get why people think he’s good because he’s just evil for evil’s sake and weird.

Sephiroth I like, but also partly my sister is a Sephiroth worshipper, but I have sympathy for him too. Like a lot of criticism of him is that he want on a tantrum, and yeah that wasn’t the shining moment, but of all of the franchise’s villains Sephiroth is the only one who I would consider letting him win. The reason for that relates to the aforementioned Dragons of Earth philosophy because he was created through humans meddling with science they shouldn’t have been screwing with and human experimentation. I know not all humans committed the crime against him and did that to him, but I don’t really have an argument for why a species with asshole scientists shouldn’t die either. I understand regular people weren’t responsible for that and ShinRa is a garbage company that is slightly better now under Rufus and everyone working together against Sephiroth, but like from Sephiroth’s perspective he is actually different and not human. Humans lab created him and fucked him over and he didn’t ask to be created or their experiment, and I don’t know. I don’t really think I’d know how I’d react if I found out my entire existence was a lie and found out I was being used. There’s no way anyone else could imagine that because all of us have the safety of knowing our own reality and identity. He was definitely mistaken for thinking himself a Cetra and there is some question as to whether he is in control or if Jenova is in control of his mind, but I don’t have a defense-able excuse for what happened to him either. So I can kind of understand what he wants to do, and I’m okay with it same as how I’d be okay if all of us died from global warming because of what our species has collectively done to the planet. Like I can do my part and maybe I’m a good person and worthy of living and I might do my best with what limited power I can, but collectively as humans we are a trash species that is selfish. The same as how I can’t excuse the greedy CEOs and stuff that had an actual hand in leading us to possible doom even though I didn’t directly cause it as a normal person I think it’s okay if all of us humans didn’t survive, I am okay with Sephiroth killing all the people on his planet because of the stuff the jerk scientists did to him. It’s kind of like Good Place logic where it’s actually impossible to be a good person because there’s unknown side effects to industries where a company cuts corners somewhere and ends up exploiting some other person or destroying something else. It’s just impossible. 

I still think real life humans should be responsible with nature as much as they can, but there’s something about our species’ innate laziness where we stick to the latest fad solution without thinking about how actually energy solutions are complicated and won’t work for every situation but there’s some meme on Facebook talking about how this one latest thing is the best thing since sliced bread and we should all switch to it immediately. Like, no. There isn’t one magical solution. The annoying thing for me isn’t that people are trying. It’s good that they are trying to be better and to find alternate solutions, but it really pisses me off when I see the latest meme conservation or eco-friendly thing that suggests a 100% switch to this thing or that is the answer to all of our woes. It’s not. Like one thing I saw was a thing that suggested we switch to all hemp fabric because of the cost of water that raising cotton. Like fair, cotton uses a lot of water, but like if you think that everyone is going to be able to switch to hemp you are a fucking idiot. Cotton is popular for a reason because it is soft and comfortable whereas hemp is a more harsh material and is more prone to causing skin irritation and allergies in people which is why it’s less popular. Should some brands consider switching to hemp if it is not a huge deal for them to be that soft? Absolutely. Should we find ways for us to reduce our reliance and usage of cotton? Of course. But all switch to hemp instead of cotton completely? No. That’s ridiculous, stupid, and completely illogical. Plus it only causes new kinds of industries and opportunities for exploitation because remember these plants can’t just grow anywhere. Plants all have optimal locations for them to survive. Then like energy solutions like solar panels, geothermal plants, and windmills. Yeah, they are more eco-friendly and have less dangerous output to the environment, but you are also stupid to think that they don’t have a cost. Windmills and solar panels in particular have a spacial cost, and a lot of people think we have a lot of empty space except no space is empty because *animals* live there. There are habitats there even if humans aren’t there, asshole. And windmills are tall so they can interrupt bird flight paths and stuff too. What happens if you build a windmill in the habitat of an endangered bird? And geo-thermal plants aren’t suited for all locations. There has to be an optimal place that has access to a compatible spot and you have to drill to make the passageways for the energy to pass through and like, that’s drilling near places that have geo-thermal activity so presumably they are also active and maybe have earthquakes and volcanoes. Kind of like how fracking can cause earthquakes, imagine a badly positioned geo-thermal plant. Or like what if a place just doesn’t have the proper rock bed that can support a geo-thermal plant. Like Florida has a lot of sink holes. Does that sound safe to have a powerplant built over a place that could randomly develop a sinkhole? It’s like, I appreciate people are trying to find solutions, but it makes me fucking angry that people are so short-sighted that they tout every random thing as the next miracle solution when it isn’t. It’s just an alternative for the right location. I like people knowing about it, but it isn’t a thing that’s appropriate for every fucking place on the planet. Energy is complex and you have to survey the local area and find out what works for that location. This is a complex issue, and there’s so many people that are just averse to thinking complexly or wanting to do any actual thought into making a workable solution that I just can’t bring myself to really care that much about whether or not our species lives. Like if you’re going to put all of 20 seconds of thought into a complex energy solution that could severely fuck up nature, your neighbors, and all the animals then why even bother? Like the solution is even worse than the actual problems because no one actually wants to think about them. It’s still humans thinking selfishly and only of themselves. So even though I will do my best to do my part, I don’t really care at all if climate change kills us all because most humans out there only want to do half-assed measures or something that makes them look good in front of their friends.

And like, back to the actual topic of genocidal FF villains, seriously if their reasoning is relatively okay, I can’t really bring myself to dislike them if they want to kill everyone because humans are trash. Like, I understand.

[i-got-that-fandom-kinda-love]

A to Z favourite TV show challenge! Or # to Z?

# - 30 Rock (Liz Lemmon! This is just all kinds of hilarity).

A - Ally McBeal (there's not enough of this on Tumblr btw. I loved it before I understood it - my brother watched and I followed. And then I watched again and I loved it more) / Arrow (so years ago I started watching this because of Tumblr. You guys were obsessed with Olicity and I was too even though I hadn't watched the show. So I watched it. Thank you for ruining my life btw) / Accidentally in Love (Asian Series, sup, @netflix - thanks for getting me addicted to Asian series - I liked them before but now it's just there and begging to be watched AND I CAN'T HELP MYSELF - YOU'VE ADDICTED MY MOTHER TOO).

B - Brooklyn Nine Nine (best thing to happen to me, thank you Tumblr - the nine nine fandom. Also started it a couple years ago and fell in love hard. This show makes me laugh no matter what and it's pure and I love it so much. It's really a show I needed because when I watch series I get really emotionally involved and certain shows leave me so stressed that I have to take a break and all I can watch is comedies for a few weeks. Or months. Depends on how big my heart break was. B99 always makes me laugh and feel lighter). / Buffy the Vampire Slayer (another one from my childhood, you know when you're too young to really understand but old enough to remember it? So yeah, my brother got me hooked at a young age and the addiction stuck. Because I've never been able to forget Buffy. And I've recently been rewatching it with my mother - she too is a bit addicted).

C - Charmed (Original series, not reboot - I haven't even watched the reboot. But yes, Charmed. I remember being up til 10PM on a Monday while I was in primary (middle) school just to watch it. Halliwell sisters are another drug I never could kick - Leo was one of my first ever crushes - my very first crush was Shahrukh Khan and if we're ever talking Bollywood movies he'll be all over that post).

D - Doctor Who (Okay! I only started watching from season 5, again cos NETFLIX - the Doctor and Amy Pond - man, just lock me up in the TARDIS and take me away already. ALSO one of the series that broke my heart enough that rendered me incapable of watching any other series except comedy).

E - Ek Hazaroon Mein Meri Behna Hai (Hindi series; my sister is one in a thousand - I assume it's the name because that sounds better in Hindi than one in a million or billion. There's something about Hindi series that sucks you in and tortures you until you're on the brick of exploding from suspense - the build up is both infuriating and renders you unable to tear your eyes away).

F - Friends ('Cause it's been there for me and how can I not? Again, childhood. Also. Heroes get remembered but legends never die. And I've watched every episode like a gazillion times and laugh just the same - I think even more 'cause I know what's gonna happen. I'm one of those people). / Fairy Tail (Anime. Magic. Friendship. Friendship. Friendship. It's one of those rare shows that has a lot of characters and manages to make you love each one of them. I found it after high school but I love it to bits).

G - Gilmore Girls (I remember the first time I watched this as a kid, Rory and Lorelei were sitting at Luke's diner and chatting about something and I though they were sisters. I was at my cousin's house and I just couldn't stop watching them. Loved it ever since. And it's strange how a randomly watching TV can just change your life - 'cause you know, I obsess) / Gossip Girl (at first, I'd watched it because Kristen Bell was the voice of Gossip Girl. And I needed anything related to anything Veronica Mars. And then I naturally loved it like everybody else. Also disappointed at who GG really was. So yeah.)

H - How I Met Your Mother (At first I really, really loved it, now though it's not so high on my favourite list but it does still make me laugh - cos Barney. The final episode was so disappointing). / Hannah Montana (because if I was 13 or 16 this would have made the list. And I still love the show. My heart swells everytime my bestie sings True Friend to me. I still love Hannah Montana music okay).

I - iZombie (Rob Thomas. He's the reason I tried it out. Liv is the reason I stayed. Also Ravi. And also Major. Okay, dude, characters and plot is right on point) / Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon (Hindi series; what name do I give to this love? Its unnecessarily complicated but gosh those complications kept me on edge, staring at the screen, waiting for those idiots to realise the truth. Opposites attract. Hate to love to hate to love. They did it so well).

J - Joan of Arcadia (okay so I remember really loving this when I was younger - I haven't rewatched it as an adult but I feel like I'll still love it. I mean, come on, what if God was one of us?)

K - Kim Possible (Call me, beep me, if you wanna reach me? Ultimate cartoon. Hands down. Second best is The Life and Times of Juniper Lee - she's basically the cartoon Buffy - the Chosen One - though it's hereditary instead of random? And also more fun and less heartache 'cause it's a cartoon).

L - Lucifer (Man, Lucifer. You got the guy telling everyone he's the devil and they think he's talking in metaphors? It's just hilarious to me. Detective. Romance. Snark. Supernatural. Also, Hello, Adult Tom Welling - can I even describe how excited I was to see him? Smallville, man).

M - Miraculous Tales of Ladybug and Cat Noir (One of the few new cartoons that I watch and love. This is just so cute and the love square is just so cute and everything is just so cute. And like we need cute stuff in our lives. Frustrating cos how oblivious can one be but also why you so cute Marinette Dupain Chang and Adrian Agreste aka Ladybug and Cat Noir)/ Malcolm in the Middle (Childhood. Childhood. Childhood. I'm not the middle child but I relate).

N - Naruto (Anime. Okay, childhood yes, also teenagehood and adulthood. Guy's been with me through everything, believe it. This show just means so much to me and I'm thankful that I got to grow up with him. Thank you, Kishimoto).

O - One Day At a Time (THANK YOU, NETFLIX! This is just one of the greatest shows on right now. I love comedy. I didn't expect it to be so emotional too. But damn it gets you right in the feels. My brother claims I'm exactly like Elena and our nephew is like Alex. I honestly don't mind. Elena is badass and strong as hell.)

P - Psych (It's just awesome? It's clever, it's funny, Shawn and Gus. The dramatics in extremely serious situations will never not make grin like a mad woman. Also private investigation shows seem to a weakness of mine. ) / Parks and Recreation (okay I never thought I'd like a mockumentary kind of series but this happened and proved me wrong and I just love this show and it's characters). / Pyaar Ka Dard Hai Meetha Meetha Pyara Pyara (Hindi Series; the pain of love is sweet and loveable. When your parents set you up with someone and you're like no way in hell and they're like okay but they you become best friends and fall in love and yeah. The name says it all, really). / Pinocchio (Asian series - one of the more complicated ones but I simply just loved these characters and actors to bits after watching it).

Q - Quantico (it's not really one of my favourites but I couldn't think of anything else and I do enjoy it. Priyanka Chopra has always been a fav since forever - Bollywood was life before I was even old enough to understand English - but it's because of this that I can understand Hindi without needing subtitles).

R - Rizzoli & Isles (who wouldn't love a show with two best friends kicking ass in the work place). / Revenge (I watched it cos I liked Emily from Everwood but the story was so intriguing and I just got addicted. It wasn't like anything I've ever seen). / Refresh Man (Asian series - officially my favourite Asian series of all time - again, thank you Netflix. Also ever since I've loved both Aaron Yan and Joanna Tseng and I'm on a mission to watch everything they've ever acted in - do you see my obsessing tenancies?).

S - Supergirl / Supernatural / Suits / Smallville (Okay! There's too many shows that start with an S. Smallville was my gateway into the superhero show - movie - comic obsession. And also I'm getting tired of commenting on everything).

T - The Good Place / The Office (US) / The Flash/ Teen Wolf (also too many with a T!)

U - Ugly Betty

V - Veronica Mars (of all time!! Man, again, random TV viewing = life changing TV show that sticks with you forever and Veronica Mars has definitely affected me way more than any other show. I couldn't get it out of my head ever since 2007! I waited for every Thursday just to watch it and naturally Thursday became my favourite day of the week - not Friday like normal scholars - nope. I think it's the way that it ended that contributed to my obsession - so much questions left unanswered and to a 12 year old girl the most important thing is of course that LoVe hadn't officially gotten back together. My mind wrote and rewrote endings and scenarios. Then I discovered fanfiction. And then I started writing. Veronica Mars made me a junkie but also helped me discover my passion. It's not just the show that makes it my #1 but the journey it's taken me on while it was on air and especially when it was off air. ALSO THE SHOW IS SIMPLY AMAZING EVEN WITHOUT ALL MY EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT - also one of the shows that I started watching and then my brother got hooked onto it).

W - What's Wrong With Secretary Kim? / Weightlifting Fairy Kim Bok Joo/ W: two worlds apart (all Asian series - OKAY, NETFLIX IS BLAMED FOR ALL OF THIS)

X - Is there anything but X-Men? I wouldn't really put the series on my favourite list but I do watch the X-Men cartoons and I have enjoyed it so imma let it be.

Y - Young Sheldon (Too smart for his own good Cooper.) / Yankee-kun to Megane-chan (Asian series - okay, this one can't be put on Netflix. It's the first Asian drama series I'd watched because of a manga that I loved).

Z - Zoey101 ('Cause there's nothing else I can think off and I enjoyed it when I was younger. I remember putting 101 after all of my usernames for everything).

So when I thought of this I thought I'd put one name for each alphabet but it didn't work out that way 'cause I obsess over everything.

I would love to get to know more about everyone's favourite shows. I'm tagging based on the Tumblr likes thing (also on my @marshmallowatheart account) and also urls I remember seeing often on the activity cos I wanted to tag as much people as possible. I'd have been cool if I could have went with the a - z for tagging but it's not working out like I wanted so next best. (Also if I didn't tag you and you wanna do it, please go for it, I'm really into this).

Anyone who wants to do this can and whoever doesn't want to it's cool! It takes time to think especially when you have to pick between things so if you want to, add as many as you like. You don't have to add comments on it if you don't want to, I just got carried away! And then got tired.

@poppy-in-the-woods @risssaar @stephaniecatlover @ihaveathingformeninwaistcoats @write-to-feel @mediocre-mee @jenilyn2000 @lalacristina18 @cainc3 @mrskissytaylor @anilcadz91 @elliebear75 @troublescout @hanitjemars @susanmichelin @cheshirecatstrut @firedragonmon

[lfutevicis1981-blog]

At the distance of a mile or two from the village we came to a pretty, low house, with a lawn and shrubbery at the front and a drive up to the door. Willie rang the bell, and asked if Miss Blomefield or Miss Ellen was at home. Yes, they were. Apocrine glands work a little differently. There are about 2,000 of these glands, primarily found in our hair follicles. When we're stressed (physically or emotionally) they produce a sweat rich with proteins and fatty acids, including a carbohydrate called sialomucin. Of the many things Happy Gilmore got right, one of them is how strange it seems that fans of any sport should be polite enough to abide those signs.This day in dumb sportsOn this day way back in 2017, we finally got Amy Earnhardt take on her husband Dale beloved banana and mayonnaise sandwich. She clearly thinks they gross, implying she is a reasonable person. I keep an open mind about odd sandwiches, but I have twice eaten banana and mayonnaise sandwiches on video for 의정부출장마사지 work when they become newsworthy in sports. BR is I guess actually a pretty normal guy by all known reports. He graduated from Purdue not too long ago. His father works to keep him out of all press (helped by the muscle of Lin Wood suing the shit out of anyone who says anything about BR). What your opinion on brands who lost their CF status due to selling to China? I not offended or trying to attach you I just genuinely curious because it can be a huge conundrum for a lot of people. On one hand now they not CF but on the other hand now Chinese civilians have access to safe, quality cosmetics that might actually come in their skintone. I know people on both sides of the fence about this. I first started getting the skincare stuff when I got a job at 17 and had a bit more money to spend. I still buy some of the skincare and I love the makeup balm. Their liquid makeup remover is magic. Clearly you are literally retarded and incapable of analyzing storylines, so I see no reason to explain why it is bad."Take Andromeda. Back when it came out, I recall seeing a review where the YouTuber in question was pretty obviously being manipulative to make up reasons it bad. He spliced various scenes together and recorded himself screaming "WHAT?! HUH!? WHO!?!? WASSDAT?!?! WHO??! WHAT?!?! WHERE?!?! WHY??!? See! That the problem with this game! It moves too quickly.". Caudelie Beauty Elixir I adore this product. I like the act of spraying it on my face. I normally apply it after all my cream products and before powder. A variety of deceptive means were used to whisk Aboriginal babies and children from their families. Some children were simply removed from their homes by government officials. Too young to remember their family histories, the children were told that they were orphans. The major cause of wrinkles is sun exposure (about 70 percent), and genetics can play a role as well. So we focus on moisturizers instead of sun protection. I think there are some good moisturizers, but it's a myth to think that they can get rid of wrinkles. Toddler is hungry but won eat anything and is cry/whining. Keeps trying to launch self out of high chair. I take her out and she says "Dide" (outside). Then after in the locker room one of the other guys looks and me and goes "Phew this was tough huh" and i was just thinking to myself. Jesus christ i haven even gotten out of breath or broken a sweat. The super lazy 5 10 minute warmup at BJJ Class involves more exercise than 1.5 hours of Aikido.. Doctorow's novel Ragtime, and a movie called The Girl in the Velvet Swing (named for the swing in which he pushed Evelyn Nesbitt, the showgirl whose husband eventually killed him). White is even credited with the origin of the joke about inviting a young woman up to see your etchings, because of the etchings of nudes he kept in one of his Manhattan hideaways. Over the years, Ire compulsively seduced (and very likely raped) a series of young women, some of them barely out of puberty, who were financially and emotionally dependent on him.Even while the rest of the world was caught up in White's depraved story, his descendants remained 의정부출장마사지 willfully oblivious to the scandal that swirled around them.

[taz-writes]

I was scrolling through your blog and saw something about a mermaid incident in class... date I ask for the story behind that?

I will absolutely tell you the story behind that, because it is equal parts baffling and hilarious, even now an entire year later. 

It begins… with my creative writing minor. Last fall I took a class called Survey of Forms: Fiction, which was an introduction to the canon of literary fiction, as well as literary fiction writing and basic style skills like characterization, narrative voice, dialogue, et cetera. Sounds pretty typical, right? Well, my professor was a fun guy, and one of our assignments around the middle of the semester was to write a rant. What sort of rant, you may ask? Literally anything. It was an exercise in narrative voice, he wanted 2-4 pages of a first-person tirade on something that you had strong opinions about, to be read out loud in class the next week. We had the option to write as a character from our short story WIPs or to write as ourselves. 

I chose to write my rant about a subject very near and dear to my heart: mermaids. Specifically, how much I fucking hated them as a child.

A bit of backstory, so you can understand why this got me so incredibly riled: I’m all about fairies. I was the fairy kid. I literally thought I was a fairy princess from outer space until I was, like, 11 or 12 years old. I wanted to have cool magic powers and sparkly wings and all that good stuff! I wanted to fly! I wanted to live in the forest and grant wishes! But like, mermaids are and have always been way more popular. If you’re a little girl who loves mermaids, your options are everywhere. You’ve got mermaid TV shows! Mermaid movies! Mermaid book series! Mermaid-themed makeup, mermaid-themed clothing, mermaid-themed Halloween costumes and lunch boxes and merchandise, mermaid stuff is everywhere. If you’re a little girl who loves fairies… you get, uh, Winx Club? Barbie Fairytopia? And maybe some Disney stuff if you squint. This was before even those Tinkerbell movies went mainstream, and if you were (like me) the sort of tomboy to frown at pink ruffly stuff, then you had absolutely NOTHING. 

And for bonus points, every single one of those fairy things I mentioned? Yeah they have mermaids in them. And the mermaids got overmerchandised, while the fairy MAIN CHARACTERS were neglected. Winx Club has a whole mermaid season, Barbie Fairytopia has mermaids and got a freaking mermaid-based sequel and never did justice to the actual fairy protagonists until long after I’d outgrown Barbie media. So like, I’m salty. I literally started writing Feilan because I was tired of every story with fairies being either immature Disney shit for 5-year-olds or edgy grimdark YA novels with too much kissing and inappropriate language for baby 12/13-year-old Taz’s tastes. I wanted something in between–fairies who weren’t stupid little glittery farts, but who didn’t spend all their time being ~evil and sexy~ or whatever either. If you like mermaid stuff, you can find a zillion different interpretations of merfolk lore, but despite the vast breadth of fae lore the fiction inspired by it only has two real subgenres. Fairies just aren’t as popular. I think they’re coming back a little bit because of SJM and Holly Black, but I HATE SJM’s fae and Holly Black’s are unbearably edgy, so that’s not really a good thing? 

On top of this, I am the type of person who clings very tightly and personally to minor things that aggravate me. I’m not sure why, and I wish that wasn’t the case, but at this point I’ve accepted it as part of my personality. It’s very rare that I find something I’m quite so passionately mad about, but when I latch onto a pet peeve I take it seriously. You can’t argue with me about the meaningless petty grudges, those are my lifeblood, and the mermaid thing is one of the oldest pet peeves I have. 

Back to the topic! The rant I wrote for Survey of Forms was the above tirade, expanded over several pages with sources cited. I was pretty proud of it! I came up with some really brutal turns of phrase, I thought my ~authorial voice~ was top of the line, it was a good rant. Time rolled around for us to share our rants with the class, and I gave a fabulous dramatic reading. My comedic timing is one of my strengths as an actress. 

Everything went as normal for the next few rants… and then, one of my quieter classmates began to read his rant. It sounded fine for the first few sentences, a discussion of traditional elements and their thematic associations okay whatever… but it became increasingly obvious, as he went on, that this wasn’t what he’d written. No, he was improvising a speech on the spot, because he was SO upset that I didn’t like mermaids that he had to tell me exactly how and why I was wrong about my entire worldview. 

In public. In front of our ENTIRE CLASS. 

He explained how mermaids belong to elemental water, and they’re valuable to modern society. See, water is the element of empathy and compassion, and those things are so rare in modern American society! It was almost a year after the 2016 elections, and our politics were so vicious and divisive, and the influence of water’s empathy was dwindling and he could see it burning through society! An over-emphasis on elemental air and its transience was leading to the rise of fake news and misinformation and alternative facts, elemental fire led to rage and passion and an inability to think logically, and we needed water to balance everything! So in fact, we need more mermaid stories! Because mermaid stories teach us to feel empathy! And the lack of water’s empathy, this growing hatred of mermaids (and by extension anything water-based)–that was the reason America was falling apart! That’s why Trump was elected! Because… uh, because I don’t like mermaids? 

Yeah, this guy basically implied that I was the reason Trump became president and the media devolved into vitriolic chaos. Because I don’t like mermaids. 

I couldn’t make this shit up on my own if I tried. 

I was absolutely livid, a friend of mine in the same class told me I turned redder than my scarlet school hoodie. I’ve never had the best anger management skills, I was literally shaking in my seat, I was inches away from flipping the table I sat at. I probably would’ve done it, too, if my classmate hadn’t put her boiling hot cup of soup down on it without the lid on. One of the lovely side effects of my ADHD is that sometimes when I get upset, my brain gets so hyperfocused on that one emotion that I’m physically incapable of feeling anything else or even thinking straight, and I can’t snap myself out. Those rages are terrifying. This was one of the worst rages I’ve ever experienced in my life, and I thanked my lucky stars later that I didn’t hurt somebody. I did get to scream at the guy for a couple minutes, but I don’t remember what I actually said. It involved a few physical threats and a lot of being embarrassed in front of my peers. 

Anyways, the professor didn’t even stop this guy, because–like everyone else–he didn’t realize what was going on until it was too late. And once he realized, I guess he froze up or something? I don’t know. I lost my fucking mind about this, I went into my next class and screamed for like fifteen minutes. My poor Music History teacher was so confused. 

The Survey professor emailed me and asked me to stop by his office later, and I thought I was going to get lectured for throwing a fit in class. I used to throw a lot of tantrums in grade school and even when I grew out of that, I was always the person blamed when an argument or fight broke out with me involved, so I had some muscle memory… the professor actually wound up apologizing. He told me he just didn’t know what to do in the moment, and he was really nice about it, and by then I’d calmed down enough that I wasn’t literally frothing with rage. It was very very surreal. I felt quite validated. 

Mermaid guy wound up writing me a length apology email. I’m pretty sure the professor put him up to it. He went on to explain that he was from Singapore and he was raised right by the water and so it was really important to him, his culture has some kind of mermaid thing that he’s emotionally attached to, et cetera… He seemed very sincere about it, so I accepted the apology, but I still have no freaking clue what possessed him to derail the entire class in order to argue over my goofy childhood grudge. It’s hilarious in retrospect, I just can’t even begin to understand the logic. I still have that email saved because it was so mind-blowingly absurd. 

So yeah, that’s the Mermaid Incident. I wish I could say it went down in university history but I’m not sure if anyone remembered it longer than a week or so after it happened. Nobody ever mentioned it again. 

And despite said classmate’s best efforts, I still have a grudge against mermaids. They’re very nice in their own dedicated media, but if I see them popping up like plot cancer in stories you told me were about fey? I will come for you. 

[complexptsdchronicles-blog]

“Just Get Over It... Along With Your 4+ Mental Disorders!” OR... You Can Read This And See Why This Saying Needs To Go:

“Just get over it”, they tell me, “Focus on the positive in life. Be happy and things will just happen for you. Have you tried counseling, religion, meditation, yoga, medication, etc.?”

Yes. I tried all of that (except the eating dust) and am still trying all of that BUT... after 17 years of emotional and physical child abuse; moving from town to town (AKA: no stability); dealing with off and on bullying, harassment, discrimination, and sexism throughout my whole life; and even a rape experience in my early 20′s… well, you can see why I’m 30 years old and struggling just a bit (and by a bit… I mean A LOT). 

So far I have been diagnosed with ADD, Anxiety, Depression, and Complex PTSD. Currently, I am working with 2 social workers, 4 vocational rehabilitation therapists, a psychiatrist, and we’re working on getting me into the appropriate counseling. I have a huge support system of family and friends who I love and are helping me through all of this and I’m doing all I can to be proactive so I can live a healthier and happier life.

After years of counseling from my young adult days, I now have a better (not perfect, but better) relationship with my dad - who was my abuser for 17 years. He doesn’t hurt me anymore, thankfully, and things have been good between us for years now.

Regardless of my disorders and past traumas, somehow I managed to get my M.A. in Marketing and Advertising and graduate with a 4.0 GPA. I am currently working as a content marketing contractor with one of the most well-known companies in the U.S. - (For confidentiality sake I can’t really say their name). On top of this, I get a lot of positive feedback and love from my current and previous employers. Therefore, I’m going to jump out on a limb here and say that NONE of my disorders seem to actually be affecting the quality of my work. So anyone out there who thinks that people with disorders are lazy and incapable of doing great things - I am living proof as to how wrong you are!

Some of us are trying really hard every single day and are even capable of doing amazing work if given the chance.

As for those who think I need to “just get over it” - considering how well my dad and I are doing and the fact that I am being as proactive as possible with my disorders and life - it’s obvious that emotionally I do feel “over” most of my past traumas. So why then are these holistic and non-holistic approaches only half helping me from living a normal, happy life that I know I’m capable of living?

The only theory I have is that because I grew up in an environment where I was immersed in trauma, violence, and instability - this has affected the way my brain has developed. The areas of my brain that are meant for survival are overdeveloped and the areas that are meant for everyday life are underdeveloped. Meaning that every day I am in a constant state of anxiety and trauma and have been getting worse as the years go on for no reason whatsoever… or at least none that any of us can identify (asides from the obvious messed up past that is my Lifetime story).

SCIENCE:

Here’s the best way I can explain what goes on in my brain every day:

Think of ALL the WORST things that have ever happened to you in life. Are you thinking about them? Now imagine having nightmares about them every single night, then you wake up and those terrible memories play on a loop the entire day (24-7), then you have a horrible inner self critic who tears you apart every second of every moment of every day, and then you have to go out into the world and pretend that life is peachy and happy and everything is great! After a while, you start to feel worn down and you start thinking - “Wow. Death seems so much more peaceful than this horror show that I have to live through all the time.” But deep down you know that you don’t want to kill yourself because you have so many people who love you and who you love and the “real you” is not ready to leave or give up. The “real you” just want to get on with their life, to stop “surviving”, and to just be happy. Yet, your brain won’t let you do this even when you jump through a million hoops to manage the everyday ups and downs. So what do you do? You go get help! (See bolded notes below)

…That’s why, my dear friends, that sometimes we can’t “Just Get Over It”!

HOWEVER MANY OF US ARE TRYING, SO PLEASE CUT US SOME SLACK AND IF YOU CAN’T THEN, YOU KNOW… “JUST GET OVER IT”. ;)

Thank you all for reading. Please feel free to Follow and Share!

TO THOSE WHO ARE STRUGGLING WITH SUICIDE:

PLEASE REACH OUT TO FREE PROGRAMS NEAR YOU THAT HELP WITH INDIVIDUALS WHO ARE STRUGGLING AND PLEASE REACH OUT TO THE NATIONAL SUICIDE HOTLINE: 1-800-273-8255 - THEY ARE NICE PEOPLE WHO CAN REALLY HELP AND LIFT YOUR SPIRITS BACK UP ENOUGH TO KEEP GOING UNTIL YOU FIND A PROGRAM THAT MAKES YOU FEEL FULLY HEALED. ***TAKING THAT FIRST STEP TO GETTING HELP IS THE MOST BRAVEST THING A PERSON CAN DO. ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE ARE ONLY PROJECTING THEIR OWN WEAK AMBITIONS ONTO YOU… SO FUCK THEM! MUCH LOVE AND HEALING TO YOU ALL! I HOPE MANY OF YOU FIND THE PEACE THAT YOU ARE LOOKING FOR! <3

P.S.: This is just blog 1 in this series. More to come soon…

[leofemt]

Being a fic writer is a horrible, thankless, vain pursuit. This is an objective fact.

tl;dr: I prove it: on two opposing fic- for both of which this meta-writer vouches for the quality- less than 10% of readers left kudos, and less than 1% commented.

A few facts:

Let's take one fic. A Tiger & Bunny fic for a rarepair. Personally, I love this fic. This is the best fanfiction of all time. Every time I reread it, I end up in tears and almost incapable of finishing it. It's long, artful, and emotionally devastating. It should have a great reception, right? No.

This fic has been on ao3 for more than 5 years. In its time, it's gotten almost 2.5k hits- not bad for a rarepair. It's almost 80k words long. I can personally vouch for the quality. Do you see how many comments it has? 23.

Of course, this can vary by popularity of the subject matter you're writing for- I've written a 7k fic that has more individual comments than this, just because the pairing is popular- but generally speaking, this is the case. Let's turn to some statistical analysis.

What percentage of fic readers leave kudos? In this case, 145 out of 2483 readers who opened this fic left kudos. 145/2483=0.0584, so 5.8% of fic readers leave kudos. (This doesn't account for quality of writing or people who are just trying out a ship, but even that's not that large a margin.) 6% of your readers will take the time to click a button to say "I enjoyed this!". 6%. 

Of course, that can be the case for other forms of art as well, in which case you shrug and say, producing art sucks, viewers take what they want and leave, let's move on. (If I were to do an analysis of the difference in response to popular fanart-type artists, though, I would look at view vs rt statistics on twitter. One place where this differs is: profit. Making actual money. How many artists do you know sell some kind of merch, or have a patreon, or do commissions? Probably a good number of relatively popular ones. How many writers do you know sell hardback copies of their fic? None, probably, unless you personally know EL James. How many writers do you know who actually get commissions? I don't know about you, but I can think of maybe 3 off the top of my head. Visual art is much quicker to consume than written art, and much easier to propogate, since it takes little effort to take in. How many visual artists take open requests on their blogs, instead of commissions? How many writers? A clear pattern starts to emerge.)

And now we move on to the most depressing part- comments. Of course it means a lot whenever someone comments, even if it's a few words of encouragement or telling the author you enjoyed their work. What percentage of fic readers leave comments? This example fic has 23 comments. 23 comments after writing almost 80k words, and I know for a fact that 3 of those comments are mine. This author doesn't reply to comments (which is relatively common, and don't take it personally- it doesn't mean they don't take your words to heart), so this is 23 individual readers who expressed their appreciation for this work. 23 comments out of 2483 hits: 23/2483=0.00926, or 0.93%. Less than 1% of readers left comments on this 80k behemoth of a fic. And 13% of that less than 1% is me. 

Of course, you can say, how do you know an abnormally large amount of people didn't just open this fic, decide it wasn't for them, and close it again? Maybe this is the Spider Georg of fanfiction. This is not the case, but if you propose the challenge, I will prove it to you. 145 readers enjoyed this fic enough to read all the way to the end to leave kudos. Don't forget that this is only a little less than 6%. 23 comments out of 145 kudos-leavers: 23/145=0.1586, or a little less than 16%. Of readers who liked this fic enough to leave kudos, 15.9% liked it enough to leave a comment. On normal fics, a comment isn't even that long- probably a sentence or two, unless the commenter is particularly moved, or happens to be me- and only 16% of the 6% that deigned to leave kudos decided to leave one. For an 80k word fic. I haven't even looked to see how many of them are followers of the fic who had commented on multiple chapters as they were published. 

What kind of response can you expect for your work, you ask? Surely, if I'm good enough, you think, the praise will come flowing in. Surely, you say, others will see the brilliance of my idea. Tough shit, Pinocchio. Writing sucks. Readers suck. Writers grovel for any kind of recognition of their work. On this fic, 23 comments were left on a total of 78491 words. 23/78491 is such a small number that my calculator went into scientific notation to try and figure out comments per word. The number is 0.000293 comments per word. Of course, no one expects a comment per word, so let's extrapolate a bit- let's see how many comments this fic got per 1k words. 0.000293*1000 is 0.293, or about .3. Less than a third of a comment per thousand words- and remember, average comment length is a couple sentences, or a series of emojis, or, "I like this!!!!! Thanks <3", which takes the average human maybe twenty seconds to write. Despite this, and despite the fic having nearly 2500 hits, only 23 users commented. 

And 3 of them were me.

If this doesn't convince you of the futility of writing, and that if you are a fan-content writer, or want to be one, not to base your writing's worth on the amount of comments or make yourself miserable catering to the whims of the masses, I don't know what will. For balance's sake, let's observe another case study. The fic I think is my most popular one- the aforementioned 6.6k fic- was written in 2016, over the span of a week and two days. It's for a popular pairing in a popular fandom.

8110 hits?! You shriek. For less than 7k words? While that other masterpiece, by a writer far greater than you, had only a measly 2.5k hits?!

Let me calculate it- this fic recieved 8110 hits for 6633 words: 8110/6633=1.223 hits per word. That's more than a hit per word, which is outrageous, but that's beside the point. This statistic in itself should convince you that popularity as a writer is based not on your actual talent or skill but on both the whims of the massless entity dubbed "the readership" and the objective popularity of your subject matter. Writing blows. Writing for an audience blows. Never write for anyone but yourself, if you choose to write at all, and if you do, do not be disheartened by a lack of reception. Readers take writers for granted. This is a given fact. 

I'll do the same calculations I had done in the previous case study. In this case, of 8110 hits, 745 users decided it was good enough to leave kudos. (Again- this is literally the act of pressing a button. Not too strenuous, though appreciated.) 745/8110=0.0919, or 9.2%- so performing a little better than the 80k rarepair fic, though not by much. This is still <10% of readers. 

Further, on the subject of comments- this fic garnered 33 comments, none of which I, the author replied to, just like the case of the previous fic. 33 comments from 8110 hits: 33/8110=0.004069, or 0.41%. What does this mean? This means that, firstly, larger viewships are sometimes a curse, because of something like the bystander effect- more popular ships means more material by other amazing authors, and less focus concentrated on one work- and secondly, this statistic is no different from the first case. Unless a fic gets wildly popular in itself, and becomes a staple and a brand-name and all those other things, you can expect little to no return on any investment you put into writing. This is a terrible fact and a solid truth. 

Readers are thankless, insatiable, demanding consumers who take for granted that the stories they crave will be there, prepared for them, and give little thought to the author behind the characters. Of course, this is the case in the professional writing industry as well, which is why writing is an undertaking that can only be undertaken with one purpose- something within the author that compels them to write. Writing sucks. Objectively, if you're looking for ways to be validated in your work, it's a waste of time, and sometimes I wish I could take all the fanfiction archives on the internet down for a day or two, just to see readers panic. People take for granted what has always been there. Don't write unless you want to.

Readers- the consumers I've bashed so thoroughly- if you are a fic consumer, and you've read all the way to the end, I implore you- show some gratitude. If you are someone who regularly leaves kudos and comments on fic you love, congratulations. You're probably some writer's favorite person. If not- well, I don't have much to say to you. Books should be free, but fan content writers write for less than free- they write at a loss. Appreciate them, just a little. Every time I see a writer groveling for a handful of comments, the lack of respect for something so many people claim they "love to read" and "don't know what they would do without" makes me hate "the readership" even more. Being a writer is a thankless, horrible, useless pursuit, because few people care deeply enough to do more than consume the content and leave- you can make it not so much so, just a little bit. Just a few words, and you could bump that comments button up a number. You could be the reason that percentage improves. All it takes is to give back, just a little, to the people who provide you your fan-content for free, at the expense of their own time.

[aion-rsa]

How Wynonna Earp is Busting the Moonlighting Curse

https://ift.tt/34Sx2cQ

The following contains spoilers for Wynonna Earp season 4.

While we wait for Wynonna Earp to return from its COVID-instigated midseason hiatus, it seems like the perfect time to dig into one of the show’s most complicated and rich topics: The layered relationship between Wynonna Earp and Doc Holliday, and the ways in which the show has committed to telling a love story that goes beyond whether a particular pairing will get together in the end.

Far too many TV series – genre or otherwise – waste far too much screen time delaying the organic progression of their two leads’ romantic relationship. As a result, from pilot to series finale, the redundant “will they/won’t they” relationship question dominates a significant portion of the plot, as marquee couples are inevitably pulled together and pushed apart by circumstance, and the story spins its wheels, afraid to let the would-be couple take “the next step,” usually right up until the series’ final set of episodes.

This happens so often that there’s even a name for it – it’s known as the Moonlighting Curse. The name references the (honestly, incredibly incorrect) assumption that the 1980s comedy-drama Moonlighting suddenly became both boring and bad because it finally paired off its will they/won’t they leads, played by Bruce Willis and Cybill Shepherd after years of mining the sexual tension between the pair. 

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Though the true culprit was actually bad writing, the show’s subsequent collapse in terms of both ratings and quality was ultimately blamed by many network higher-ups on the decision to finally pay off the series’ love story well before the end of the show (the characters consummated their relationship at the end of Season 3, and the series ran for two more seasons). And in the many years since, something of a cottage industry of shows has sprung up that seem to exist solely to string along the fans who invest in romance, creating an endless stream of obstacles for their marquee pairings centered around the questions of whether they will “get together” yet afraid to fully confront the idea of what writing a real, complicated relationship might look like. 

Thankfully, Wynonna Earp has never been the sort of show that’s afraid of anything.

Read more

TV

When Will Wynonna Earp Season 4 Return?

By Kayti Burt

TV

Wynonna Earp Season 4 Belongs to Nicole Haught

By Delia Harrington

In the world of this series, the question of whether Wynonna and Doc love one another isn’t really even worth asking anymore. It’s just a simple fact. Through fights and betrayals, trips to hell, the Garden of Eden, and back again, one of the only true constants of Wynonna Earp has been that, no matter what, Doc and Wynonna are in love. 

Even when one – or both – of them was romantically involved (or at least sleeping with) other people for whatever reason, their epic attachment was always bubbling in the background. Everyone in Purgatory knows what this pair means to one another, even when both have done their best to avoid the reality. Granted, neither of them is a particularly easy person to be in a relationship with, which is perhaps why they keep failing to truly get together in a lasting, healthy way despite the complete obviousness of their feelings for one another. And man is it fun to watch, proof that the “will they/won’t they” narrative structure isn’t the only or even best way to tell a love story.

Yes, the two often appear chronically incapable of even really admitting – let alone realistically talking about – their feelings for one another. But Wynonna Earp smartly doesn’t pretend those emotions don’t exist, or that they’re not driving the behavior of both characters. Instead, the show allows their relationship to become a primary driving force of the plot. The fact of their love for one another is not only taken as read, it’s used as a tool by which to further explore who they both are as individuals, in a way that will ultimately allow them to be better both for and with one another. 

Both Wynonna and Doc are deeply broken people, who’ve suffered unimaginable loss and pain in their lives. Mutually riddled with trust issues, neither seems to believe they will ever find anything as normal as peace, or that they’re worthy of those they care about most. This low-key self-loathing leads both to make selfish decisions and bad choices, the kind that generally end up hurting themselves more often than they end up helping anyone else.

Because of this, Wynonna tries to drive Doc away, convinced that she doesn’t deserve real love. For his part, Doc behaves recklessly, attempting to prove he’s the monster he’s always feared becoming. (Even allowing himself to be turned into a literal monster at one point.) They argue, they make choices the other doesn’t agree with, they purposefully hurt one another when they’re angry, and they push each other away. 

Yet, at no point is any of this behavior meant to make viewers wonder about the reality of their feelings for one another or whether they’ll ultimately be together or not. (No television show is ever going to abandon a couple with this kind of sexual chemistry, and we all know it.) Instead, the issues in their romance are meant to illuminate the things that Wynonna and Doc struggle with individually, and every step they each take toward figuring themselves out is also presented as a step (back) toward one another.

If that’s not incredibly romantic, I’m not sure what is.

Often, the duo have what once again feels like cosmically unfortunate timing – we’re talking like John-and-Aeryn-on-Farscape levels of bad – in which neither of them can seem to get on the same page at the same time. Season 4 is the most heartrending example of this, as their fragile reconnection is shattered when Wynonna decides to shoot Holt Clanton in the back rather than trust the tenuous peace Doc negotiates between their families.

But – again, also like the central love story of Farscape – Wynonna Earp doesn’t act as though these issues are insurmountable, or a potential death knell for the pair fans love. In fact, despite the difficulties the two are sure to face next season, it feels equally obvious that they’ll still find their way back together and work things out in the end. But only once they deal with some of their own issues first. Because I mean, let’s be real, if Doc literally becoming a vampire didn’t faze these two for longer than a handful of episodes, this isn’t likely to do so either. 

Yet, the latest rift between the two still makes for supremely compelling television – not because it overtly threatens their love, but because it stems from interior character issues that have nothing to do with their relationship and that can’t be healed by a romance. Whether these two want to be together isn’t the issue here – they clearly do – it’s whether they can be right now in light of the choices they’ve both made that have nothing to do with their feelings for each other. 

Wynonna’s reasons for deciding to kill Holt are understandable – if perhaps decidedly unheroic – as is Doc’s conviction that her choice is not only cowardly but will surely escalate the same blood feud that he himself now regrets starting back in Tombstone. But despite the fact that the midseason finale ends with both characters moving away from one another, physically and emotionally speaking, both are still on similar narrative journeys, questioning who they are if their previously established identities as the Earp heir and the fastest gunslinger in the West no longer apply. 

Wynonna and Doc’s relationship has taken something of a backseat in Season 4 thus far, allowing Wynonna Earp to center WayHaught’s story and explore Nicole’s lingering trauma from the eighteen months in which she had to survive in Purgatory on her own. But the pairing still feels as necessary and relevant to the story the show is telling as they ever have been. And, despite their current situation, it seems more obvious than ever that their paths will ultimately not only lead back to one another but to better versions of them both. This isn’t a will they/won’t they question so much as a matter of how and when.

Wyndoc is the grand and (thus far) tragic love story of the Ghost River Triangle, a star-crossed pair who share a child, a complicated family entanglement going back hundreds of years, and a love of continual self-sacrifice in the name of others. (And also, they hunt demons!) But Wynonna Earp isn’t content to simply throw up unnecessary narrative obstacles in their path for the sake of dragging out a happily ever after. Instead, the show acknowledges Doc and Wynonna’s obvious feelings, while simultaneously asking why they can apparently do anything together but figure out how to love one another the way they both deserve. 

This sort of romantic introspection – and acknowledgment that love really doesn’t instantly conquer all – is an important and often ignored part of a couple’s story, and can be just as compelling as the will they/won’t they dance that many other pairings before Wyndoc have been forced to engage in. It takes work – on yourself and on your relationship – to build something that really lasts, and Wynonna Earp’s decision to show us that that can be something really ugly and uncomfortable is as important as the happily ever after part we fantasize about. Wynonna and Doc will absolutely find their way back together again – but this time they’ll be stronger for it when they do.

The post How Wynonna Earp is Busting the Moonlighting Curse appeared first on Den of Geek.

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[juushika]

DS9 is the boy’s rewatch of choice, he puts it on to go to sleep to, and normally I hardcore ignore it (I did a complete series rewatch--like, first revisit since adolescence--in two huge chunks a number of years ago and it was absolutely exhausting, especially the second chunk which was just the last few seasons and was plot, war, and profound stress all the goddamn time; when I raised this issue with the boy he was like, oh, yeah, I sometimes skip some of the later seasons in my casual rewatches, and I was like, you think????)

but when I moved back here and had multiple overlapping sources of stress and then got sick, I started tuning in, in the sense of “lying on the bed as a profound lump, watching endless rows of episodes and existing only in found family alien feels land”

and then I scaled it back to ~1 ep a night that I watch when he’s falling asleep, and it’s literally my favorite part of the day

I love TOS/TNG/VOY/DS9 all (and haven’t seen any of the other two, and don’t regret that rn), and before this would probably have put Voyager at the top of my list, but tbh our joint rewatch of that didn’t hold up super well? the characters and premise are superb, still probably my favorite in concept; but the episodic nature hamstrings the plot, it doesn’t fulfill potential 

(TOS and TNG do episodic way better, and I also love those casts)

but DS9 is sincerely a step above, insofar as its openness on overarching plot AND reliance on the occasional Star Trek traditional episodic/throwaway/standalone lets it fulfill a potential unreached by the other series while maintaining a profound, sometimes easy, watchability, notwithstanding the whole later season plot-war-stress thing

but the DS9 cast and tropes and speculative concepts--especially the speculative concepts--are so far and away my bag that I can’t summarize it even in an unedited ramble that I expect no one to read. religion with a real, provable, but not inarguable basis that confronts characters with a faith that they don’t want and raises uncomfortable questions about the faith they already have! symbiosis, a people who define themselves by--but do not all have access to--symbiotic relationships; how identity and loneliness operate in a symbiotic and multi-generational relationships! every ST show as that not-human character who constantly raises the question of what it means to be human, and I love them all, but Odo is the best, Rene Auberjonois’s acting is above superb. I don’t care a ton about Ferengi but I care a lot about actors who champion their roles, who make them more meaningful, consistent, robust than they were ever written/intended. Klingons!! I wish I were married to Keiko but she is 200% too good for me!

Like, I have a lot of Star Trek feels, I grew up on Star Trek, but nothing so consistently inspires that profound longing as does DS9, that sense of want to be there, of want to inhabit that

(especially the Trill)

anyway so when things went from “only bad because life is occurring to me, someone incapable of participating in the real world” to “legitimate nightmare hellscape of suffering” b/c of my dad’s diagnosis, I was like, is this a good idea? 1) if I use it as comfort watching now, will I forever conflate it with The Cancer Time? 1b) will The Cancer Time also make it impossible to successfully lose myself in it, thus ruining it twofold? 2) are feelings like this healthy--I mean, “how much escapism is healthy” is a question I’m historically shit at answering, but I don’t care about the answer rn; I have bigger issues to worry about--but is it catharsis or a trigger when you turn to something, aka Star Trek, which consistently turns out to be emotionally devastating? am I finding a productive outlet or just making myself more miserable? is there even any way to answer that question in this situation?

Janeway is my favorite captain because of Formative Sexual Awakening Reasons, and just because I love her, but Sisko is so important in ways I’m not best equipped to articulate: this dynamic, decisive, capable, formidable, profoundly loving Black man in a position of power. I have a complex relationship with depictions of bio/nuclear families for complex reasons re: my own family (like, you know, fucking everyone), I’m normally not really Affected by hearttugging family shit because there’s a wall there, if you will (I built it myself)--so I have always loved Sisko for his presence (so much presence! what a voice!) and for the acceptance and faith he shows in his crew; his relationship with Jake I can see as important but it didn’t have personal resonance.

it turns out that when your father is dying, all of the sudden stories about fathers are very easy to resonate with

the “complex reasons re: my own family” are about 95% the fact that I am a difficult family member to have because I am crazy as hell; small sins affect me hugely and I invite them by virtue of being me, so, like, family hurts, I am bad at having one, etc, etc

my father also profoundly, only, wants the best for me; hasn’t always known how to conceptualize “best” or “me,” but that changes nothing

I think what breaks my heart most is what I will never be able to give his memory; I won’t become a writer, or scientist, or undergo profound self-realizations or self-dedications, or self-sacrifices; I am unsure what legacy he leaves with me--nothing good, really; it’s the limitation of who I am. this narrative we are in together will not better me--I’m fragile, it can only hurt me

and I don’t know how that balances that desire, his desire, for my happiness

[firebirdsdaughter]

Still watch Chou Super Hero Taisen RAW...

... And, unfortunately, still haven’t become fluent in Japanese.

(spoilers? ish? gonna do a read more since this gonna be super long...)

(AND I DO MEAN LONG)

Still not sure where the real world is.

Okay, it feels kinda like they just remembered the Kyurangers existed.

Come to think of it, whatever happened to the other Kyus? Where are Lucky, Garu, and Hammy? Where’s the Aibous (even though I don’t think they’d become Aibous yet when this came out)? Much as I love Balance and Naga... I’d love to see the others, too.

Wait... Is this Hiiro’s house?

Did Amu follow him? I still don’t get why she’s here... Though I’m glad she’s taking care of the Hiiro-wrangling (because this is before the majority of his development, I think... Though I’m pretty sure it was after he discovered he’d accidentally started caring about Emu).

Okay, why don’t I just admit I don’t remember where either of these shows were when this film came out?

Come to think of it... Did Hiiro see a kid get sucked into a game and nots ay anything? It’d probably be less confusing if I knew what was being said.

Also, Tokusatsu suit actors are all bloody gifts to this world and should be cherished. Their physical and silent acting is positively charming and magnificent.

Oh, god, he did the surgeon hand thing. That means shit’s about to go down. Not sure if he said one of his catchphrases, but the hand thing is the equivalent of the hat turning around for Hiiro.

In other news, Seto is so pretty. Just getting that out of the way. No one wants to hear me gush about it, probably.

On a technical level, I’m super curious how they filmed this scene. I mean, it’s Seto talking to himself, and then fighting himself. You can do camera angles for the conversation, but it’s pretty cool they made it look like he was getting kicked through a wall by his doppelgänger.

Also, I detect an error. Taddle Legacy is higher than Lvl 50. Alternate Hiiro, you lie!

Though, no way around it, I still love Brave’s henshin jingles. All of them.

It was the real Utcchy! Wait, it was? Then why was he in the game thing before? Was Candelira/Torin’s ghost just like ‘whoops, shit’s happening in this game! Utcchy! Handle it!’ and dropped him in?

Oh, whatevs. He’s still a good little muffin.

Announcer does unnecessary but still wonderful ‘A-MA-ZON’ style proclamation for Amazons Amazon. And this after we saw original Amazon. Except he wasn’t actually... Oh, forget it.

Actually, what happened to the rest of the GoRiders? Did I miss it? Since Jin’s very dead, that wasn’t actually them anyway, I guess. Maybe. I DON’T KNOW.

SO MANY AMAZON.

Slightly disappointed by the loss of the scarf. I liked Amazon’s scarf.

Emu shows off his need to say ‘Dai Henshin’ with multiple ‘Dai’s whenever he Henshins these days.

So... The kid is the villain?

HOW DARE HE HURT TWO OF THE WORLD’S MOST PRECIOUS CINNAMON BUNS!

I found the other Zyuohgers! Though... I’m pretty sure their lines are prerecorded. Oh well, nice to know they came.

STOP HURTING NAGA YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE BOY!

Okay, this faux, alternate Amazons gang up on Emu has gone on far enough.

Also, I love Emu, he’s a precious baby, too. Especially in that form. And, of course, why wouldn’t he stop the battle to explain to the Amazons how a game worked! (I think that was what happened? They certainly all paused)

I feel like Hiiro is saying friendship words, but I can’t understand him, so I don’t know.

WHO IS THE RED HAM MAN?

Oh... Hi... Drive-Spectre? WTH? And... Is that Necrom? No, it’s not Necrom. He hasn't got a hood, but... Yeah, I have no clue who y’all are.

YOU MONSTER CHILD HOW DARE YOU MAKE NAGA CRY! BALANCE COME KILL HIM RN!

NOTE: I do not condone killing children in any way. Please do not quote me on my emotional outbursts.

CTTOI... What is Balance doing?

And... The Hiiros are still throwing each other through walls... At least the originals seems to be winning...

Think he’s saying friendship or something cool again, but I don’t know. Actually, knowing Hiiro, it’s probably meant to be cool, but is actually dorky.

Hiiro’s like ‘yup, just killed myself. That was awkward.’

Naga is now saying friendship words! But... clue what they actually are.

Wow, Emu! You beat all three of those fake alternate Riders I couldn’t identify! I’m so proud!

Wait... Why are the other Zyuohger just showing up now? Like, if Yamato saw or Sela heard Amu being taken to a hospital, wouldn't they come running? And if not, shouldn’t they have been looking for her?

Ah, drama on roof tops at night. That’s all I got, folks. No idea what’s being said, though I did hear ‘intern’ in there, so I guess Hiiro’s being Hiiro? Meaning uninformative, aloof, introverted, and incapable of normal social interaction without offending others.

Oh! Wow, he punched Emu, that’s new! I guess fighting an alternate version of yourself to the death makes you a little emotionally volatile?

Alternate thought is that he’s doing it to force even heartless monster boy that made Naga cry to see that people care about what happens to him? ‘Cause I can see Hiiro identifying with that view because he’s a big self-loathing little baby. If that made any sense.

Or maybe he knows something they don’t? He and his doppelgänger were talking and fighting, so the alternate may have said something. Then again, I have no clue what anyone is saying.

Good to know Hiiro is still super parkour surgeon!

It was really whacky when he broke that out all of a sudden. It was like, whoa, okay! Hiiro just ran up a wall! Out of suit!

Also, I think Hiiro just made a Vulcan call--lives of the many.

Mr RED HAM is upset and taking it out on Utcchy. Someone please kill him. I don’t even know who he is or what he’s doing here, but he’s hurting my children so shoot him!

Holy fuck, are those... Are pincers coming out of his eyes? WHAT IS THIS MOVIE?

No, seriously, what happened to the other Kyurangers?

Nice line up, kids. Good to know we can all put our differences aside to form a Sentai line when necessary.

IT WASN’T THE REAL UTCCHY?

What happened to the Kyurangers, AGAIN? (Oh! There’s Balance!) But this is more like a Zyuohger/Ex-Aid crossover...

Welcome to Taisen, pause the music while everyone takes a brief glance at each other’s Henshins!

Poor Parad. I almost for got he was here. Taiga too, honestly. Sorry guys!

We have Kurous, but no ToQgers...

FURY!

Hey, there’s the rest of the GoRiders! I’d watch a whole series with those five, they’re a good mix.

SUDDENLY JARK MATTER.

Another reason Toku suit actors aren’t paid enough; those falling in shots.

RIP everyone.

OH, THERE THEY ARE! What, could they not get the actors for more than the opening?

I’m assuming that’s what happened w/ Kiriya, since I know for a fact Hayato is working on other things as well.

GIANT SUPER SPRINGY EX-AID MAX ROBOT HEAD THING!

Finally some other folks!

Did ToQ Ichigo just hit his hand w/ his sword?

Glad too see you again, Marv! Even if it is just a fake alternate version and you have no lines. Same goes for you, Decade. And Diend, from earlier.

MISAO! Baby, I wish you coulda been in more of this!

Brave, WTF is that Gashat? That’s... I don’t even... Take it off. NOW.

Ex-Aid baseball?

God, the fireball and his eye on it!

RIP Red large ham man whose name I’m not sure we ever learned.

Where’d the rest of the Zyuoghers go all of a sudden?

Dramatic lineup!

So... How do Hiiro and this kid know each other, exactly?

They seem to have a sort of ‘we’re isolated geniuses who have trouble interacting with others and believe no one cares about us/we don’t deserve to be cared for’ bond going...

Now, we all talk to an evil demon child through a game screen!

I can see why a small, very intelligent, super introverted and social-awayness lacking child would look up to Hiiro enough to have him as a sort of ‘guardian entity’ being a game/world he made... Then again, I am none of those things.

Oh! Lucky’s back! And... Hiiro is confused by him.

I feel like we’ve mentioned Saki, like, twice in this film and I’m not sure why.

Now they’re still alive? WTH? I find it real interesting that the people the kid choose to put into this game thing were Utcchy and Hiiro. Those two are pretty different, if you ask me. And how does he even know Utcchy?

Aw, Naga awkward smile is back!

Awwwwwwww, it’s a socially awkward trio shot! (meaning Hiiro, Naga, and little evil demon boy)

Hiiro just looked at Lucky like ‘why are you touching me?'

Actually, now that I think about it, if I go w/ my theory that the boy did this/started this because he was a lonely, socially inept genius kid, I can see why he’d go with Utcchy. God knows that man is socially inept. Still don’t get how they knew each other. If anyone actually read to the end of this, have an imaginary cookie!

[madshelley]

gimmie a quick rundown of which scenes break your heart the most, i'm not sad enough and need the pain.

I love you and this is both the best and worstthing anyone has never asked me, because apparently, I have no clue what a “quick”rundown means.  I also tried very hard tonot make this entirely about Armand and… I failed about midway through. Butin my defense, can you ever be sad enough? No, you can’t.

SO HERE’S THE TOP JUST-A-BIT-TOO-MANY LIST OFHEARTBREAKING VAMPIRE MOMENTS™:

- Louiskilling the Marquis, and both his and Lestat’s reactions to it. Louis draggingLestat to his abusive father’s bed and forcing him to speak forgiveness,despite the fact that Lestat is having an obvious meltdown (“He threw up hishands and let out a terrible roar of desperation.  ‘Damn him! Kill him!’ he said.”/“Lestatdanced like the maddened Rumpelstilskin about to put his foot through thefloor”/ “Never had I seen him so weak and at the same time enraged”), thatLouis, in his lack of information, mistakes for impatience and indifference.Damn dysfunctional vampires with a thing for miscommunication.  If only there was a scene with the two of themdiscussing this in a later book, it would probably make the list too. But,alas.

Rest of the list under cut because of excessively long post that no one’s going to read:

 - Louisdumping Lestat’s ‘body’ in the bog.

“This is Lestat. This is all oftransformation and mystery, dead, gone into eternal darkness. I  felt a pull suddenly, as if some force wereurging me to go down with him, to descend into the dark water and never comeback”.

          For no other reason, but that I feelthis is the prime example of Louis’ tendency to be unable to take control ofhis life and stand up for himself and what he wants, ending up being a passive observerof the most tragic events of his life, lamenting them only when it’s too late.Oh, Louis.

-Armandlying to himself about his relationship with Marius.

“A love so strong hecouldn’t allow me to grow old and die. A love that waited patiently until I wasstrong enough to be born to darkness.”

-I don’t normally care about Madeleine, but thisquote shatters my heart on a daily basis, considering the context in which IwtVwas written.

“And cruelly, surely, I said to her, ‘Did you love this child?’

I will never forget her face then, the violence in her, the absolute hatred.‘Yes.’ She all but hissed the words at me. ‘How dare you!’ She reached for thelocket even as I clutched it. It was guilt that was consuming her, not love. Itwas guilt- that shop of dolls Claudia had described to me, shelves and shelvesof the effigy of that dead child”.

-Armandleaving Louis, unable to bear the loveless, cold partnership anymore, indespair and suicidal. Especially this part of the farewell speech:

“AndI believed I would gather you to me and hold you. And time would open to us,and we would be the teachers of one another. All the things that gave youhappiness would give me happiness; and I would be the protector of your pain.My power would be your power. My strength the same. But you’re dead inside tome, you’re cold and beyond my reach! It is as if I’m not here, beside you. And,not being here with you, I have the dreadful feeling that I don’t exist atall”.

Armand,the break-up line master. Jesus Christ.

-“Hebent down, pressing his head against my chest and holding my hand so tight thathe caused me pain. The room was filled with the flashing red light of thesiren, and then it was going away.

‘Louis,I can’t bear it, I can’t bear it,’ he growled through his tears. ‘Help me,Louis, stay with me’.”

- Theway IwtV ends in general, with no silver lining or sliver of hope. Lestat andArmand are dying, of old age and despair, Louis is continuing his existencelike a bloodless empty shell, seeing no possibility of recovery or light at theend of the tunnel, and there is no comforting cosmic reason anything is everhappening at all.  Life is pain and youdon’t even die. No wonder IwtV is such a downer to the non-initiated.

- LittleLestat being beaten bloody by his father and brothers.

-“Andwhen we decided to go to Paris, I thought we would starve in Paris, that wewould go down and down and down. It was what I wanted rather that what theywanted, that I, the favored son, should rise for them. I thought we would godown! We were supposed to go down”.

- Armandbegging Lestat and Gabrielle to take him with them and them refusing. I’m notgoing to go into details, I feel this is an obvious one.

Exceptfor these gems:

“Maybeas the years pass, desire will come again to me. I will know appetite again,even passion. Maybe when we meet in another age, these things will not beabstract and fleeting. I’ll speak with a vigour that matches yours, instead ofmerely reflecting it”.

and

“Armandwas a small boy in the doorway, holding the backs of his own arms”.

Theconsistent implication throughout the series that Armand gets cold when he’supset does things to my heart.

- Armand’sadmonition to Lestat that fledglings are bound to despise their makers, simplybecause it’s not true, or at least it doesn’t seem to be in most cases. IsArmand projecting because he’s practically almost incapable of verbalcommunication at this point in his life which makes a hindered mind gift seemlike an unsurpassable obstacle in his mind? Or is he projecting because, onsome level, he knows his relationship with Marius was abusive and probablydoomed? (Spoiler alert: probably both.)

- Mariuscalling Armand his mistake.

-Lestat hearing Armand crying after he pushedhim off the roof:

“Maybe I imagined it, his lastinvitation, and the anguish after. The weeping. I do know that as the monthspassed he was out there again. I heard him from time to time just walking thoseold Garden District streets. And I wanted to call to him, to tell him that itwas a lie I’d spoken to him, that I did love him. I did.”.

- “Uglyfights, terrible fights, finally, Armand broken down, glassy-eyed with silentrage, then crying softly but uncontrollably as if some lost emotion had beenrediscovered which threatened to tear him apart”.

-“Evenin moments of the greatest jeopardy, I knew we would meet before I would befree to die.”

Tell me again how Armand’s suicideattempt in Memnoch was out of character.

-Lestatbelieving that Daniel would have left Night Island with him if he had askedhim. So much theoretical pain.

- It’sa pity that Daniel leaving Armand isn’t technically  ~a scene, because that would make the top ofthe list.

- Everyscene in which Lestat is “haunted” by Claudia in TotBT. It’s not hard to seehow he made the connection between her and the Raglan episode, even with himnever straight-up admitting it to himself. Remember when Lestat still feltcrippling guilt for his worst actions, even subconsciously? Good times.

- David’sturning. But this is not the time to complain about this, it’s canon heartbreakappreciation time!

- Armand’ssuicide attempt in Memnoch the Devil. I’ve already elaborated on this way toomuch, but let’s take a moment to appreciate Lestat screaming Armand’s nameafter him. Take a moment. Thank you.

- Louisobjecting to Lestat being chained to the floor, but being completely dismissed.

- Theentire The Vampire Armand. I can’t let myself elaborate too much on this, as I’lljust be reciting the entire book. I can just open it to a random page and itwill probably be a Top Heartbreaking Vampire Moment:

 Armand’sobvious exhaustion at the beginning of the book, that no one seems to respect. Himscolding himself and admitting to David he feels he’s going mad. A child silentlywishing for death so hard, that Marius heard it amongst the mental voices ofthe entire city. Armand’s entire “relationship” with Marius. Armand having a breakdownat seeing religious imagery, not yet being sure why he has that reaction. Meetinghis parents, especially the broken Ivan. The “Bridge of Sighs” metaphor, Jesus.The ashes of the Palazzo boys. The whole Riccardo horror. Armand trying toconceal his scarred face from Benji and Sybelle, putting all his energy intothe illusion. The shattering feeling of betrayal about the turning of Armand’s “children”by Marius, and Armand’s conviction that it was meant as punishment. Louis beingunable to conceal his relief and joy to see Armand alive. Armand’s bitter, hurtdismissal of his relationship with Daniel as doomed from the start. Armandadmitting that Sybelle and Benji had to coax him out of depressive episodes attimes. Man, did Anne go ham on the pain in this one. Why, mom?

- Specialmention to that one time Marius beat Armand out of “frustration” at him fortaking too long to emotionally get over his visit to Kiev, probably his mostblatantly abusive moment in the book.

“‘You’ve had enough time to grieve and to weep,’ hesaid, ‘and to reevaluate all you’ve been given. Now it’s back to work. Go tothe desk and prepare to write. Or I’ll whip you some more.’”

“He smacked me across the face. I was dizzy.”

Nice going, Marius.

- Secondspecial mention to this little passage, because no one ever talks about it andit makes my heart bleed:

“ I looked off, wanting the quiet, dreamingof bowers suddenly, not in words but in images, the way my old mind would doit, wanting to lie down in garden beds among growing flowers, wanting to pressmy face to earth and sing softly to myself”.

- Thirdspecial mention to this, but only out of context:

“For all the wrongs done you, andthe loneliness you’ve suffered, and the horrors that the world put upon youwhen you were too young and too untried to know how to fight them and then toovanquished to wage a battle with a full heart”.  

- SeeingDaniel in Blood and Gold after all those years. The shock of the degree inwhich his mental stability deteriorated, not objecting to being kept by Mariuslike a child. The terrifying possibilities of how he might have ended up therein the first place. The even more terrifying possibility that it might havebeen the news of Armand’s “death” that pushed him over the edge. How Armandmust have felt about this ‘relationship’.

- I am definitely not done, and yet I’m going to stop ‘cause even I had enough.

Tl;dr: Sad Vampires.

[blueraith]

Hello, and Welcome Back...

To my ongoing series of, “Why the Fuck Can’t the Fandom See What Is Happening Right In Front of Their Fucking Goddamn Eyes?”

It’s a working title.

In today’s episode, we’re actually taking a look and analyzing some dialogue. Good golly, this is gonna be enlightening!

No, but seriously, last post I said that one really, really needs to learn how to read body language and facial expressions if one truly wants to learn how to write accurate characters that one doesn’t own.

But, to my chagrin, I realized in the shower—yes I am stereotypical and come to life affirming realizations in the shower though this one wasn’t of the life affirming type—that not only is the fandom really fucking blind, they’re also selectively deaf. Because the vast majority of fic writers who write Eliza as irredeemable trash, seem to latch onto very specific information. Information that is shared almost exclusively, through dialogue, from Alex.

Now, you are never going to see me claim that what Alex lived through wasn’t real. Because I’d wager that I know Eliza’s version of emotional abuse better than most. Particularly because Eliza has never seemed to have sank to the levels that I have experienced in my life. Not that it makes Alex’s experiences any less real, but only more frustrating. On the fandom’s part, not on Alex. Because Alex seems very willing to move her relationship forward with her mother, learn to forgive, and to repair. The fandom, on the other hand, seems convinced that Eliza has utterly destroyed Alex’s self-esteem and takes pleasure in that.

It’s honestly really fucking ridiculous.

Anyway, Alex is where most of these folks seemed to have learned that Eliza is an awful person. When Alex claims that her mother has always been harder on her, that she has never been good enough, has always screwed up as far as Eliza is concerned, the fandom not only takes her at face value, they also exaggerate these things. Because, and I don’t know about you, but when I describe how awful my mother has been to me, I am venting. Which means that I don’t tell y’all when my mom is actually my mother. The supportive, kind, and loving person she is fully capable of. I know this, I’ve lived it, even recently, but that doesn’t make the times she’s awful hurt any less. Because I know what she’s capable of. I know that she doesn’t have to be terrible to me. Yet she is. And that almost is worse, because it feels like I’m waiting for something that’s probably never going to happen. Waiting for her to just be the person I yearn she could be, and we could repair this rift between us.

And I believe that Alex is very similar to this experience. Eliza is not a monster in Alex’s eyes. And I will explain this in detail, because for god’s sake….

I don’t believe Alex is lying when she describes her interactions with Eliza, on the contrary, she’s probably being painfully frank. However, I do think that she’s biased in this instance. Like I said, I don’t think she’s as upfront with how Eliza actually loves her. I mentioned earlier that a writer should never fully depend on dialogue to write fanfiction, because people are sometimes biased. When a character is describing something from their point of view, you must assume that they are biased in some way because that is how people act in real life. Fiction is not exempt from this. If you asked Alex and Kara to both describe how their bond as sisters feels, you’d probably get two different answers. Because emotions are not facts, you aren’t going to get a dry run down from either of them over how they feel about the other. Similarly, you cannot depend on Alex to be factual about her relationship with her mother. And this is not to say that she’s lying. She’s not, she is being honest. However, she is being honest from Alex’s point of view. In terms of the pain Eliza has inflicted on her, and only the pain. She’s biased.

Alex is not a very forthcoming person in terms of her emotions in the first place. Many of these details she has shared about Eliza is to Kara. Which is very important to remember, because Alex knows that Kara knows that Eliza actually does love her. Alex doesn’t need to sit down with Kara and describe the ways Eliza has been kind to her because Kara was probably there and witnessed these things first hand. No one vents about good things. Not the same way that they do with their pain.

Again, look back at Thanksgiving 1. Alex is mad and upset with Eliza. Case and point is when she bitterly refuses to go along with Kara’s ‘Let’s talk about what we’re thankful for.’ Because Alex is not feeling particularly grateful at the moment, she’s resentful, in fact. She comes out about the DEO because part of her wants to get Eliza’s disapproval over with. The both of them are not in anyway interested in keeping that interaction from blowing up into a fight. Again, I am very familiar with this kind of thing. If Alex actually wanted to make that as undramatic as possible, first off, she wouldn’t have told Eliza about the DEO in front of Winn. Remember that Winn is not yet Alex’s friend, he’s just her little sister’s best friend. Alex is not normally forthcoming about her feelings. Why in this wide world would she have made to have this conversation with Eliza, in front of someone she is not remotely close to no less, if she planned on making herself emotionally vulnerable in any way?

The answer, is that she wasn’t. Ever. Anger is not vulnerability to most people. Anger is often something people hide behind, that they use to defend, to attack, to lash out with. I do the same thing with my mom when she really pisses me off. Just push, prod, purposefully bring up things I know she won’t like, argue with her simply to argue, say things I don’t even personally believe in but I know that she hates. Just to see her get as angry with me as I am feeling with her.

Alex wasn’t quite at that extreme, but she’s coming clean not to get Eliza to say that she’s proud of her. She knows that Eliza won’t like that she’s working for the DEO on some level. On another, she is hopeful that things will go well. That’s where the look of surprise comes from when Eliza smacks her right down immediately. Because Alex yearns for her mother’s approval, and not getting it, even when she doesn’t expect to, is a punch to the gut. Alex wants nothing more than to make her mother proud, it’s what she most wants, it’s what she hopes and prays for in every interaction that they have. To not get it is a horrible sinking disappointment every time.

Alex is terrified of failure. And when you are terrified of failure, you have to have failed at some point in your life. Repeatedly. There is nothing quite so back crushingly exhausting than failing repeatedly in your life no matter how hard you try to succeed. And at some point or another, you just get used to failing. It’s the default, why even try anymore? As far as Alex is concerned, that is where she is with Eliza. She’s used to not being good enough, might as well just come clean now, fuck it, she’ll react however she wants to, it’s not my fault, it’s not going to hurt this time, she can think what ever the hell she wants, let’s just get this bullshit over with.

Except it does hurt, and she knew that it was. Hence the drinking.

Now, I, again, brought up Thanksgiving 1 to highlight the ways Alex and Eliza actually were messed up. Both from what we know Alex says, and the way Eliza acts. That is the rift between them. Here is where the fandom becomes selectively deaf. Eliza apologizes to Alex, while they are alone, so that Alex can actually be herself in that conversation. Alex cries, Alex asks her, again, why she isn’t ever good enough. But this time, she’s not lashing out at her mother. “I will never win with you,” is something you say to someone when you want to make sure that they know that a rift in a relationship is all that person’s fault. “Why wasn’t I ever enough?” is something you say when you blame yourself. Yet know that isn’t quite right either. It’s what you say when you know something is wrong between you and you don’t know how to fix it anymore.

And the following conversation, one that I won’t be breaking down because for god’s sake go watch and listen to it this time instead of writing it off, completely addresses that very vulnerable question. One that only a child asks. One that is often taken into adulthood because that sinking feeling of being a disappointment has followed them for years. “You have always been my Supergirl,” was said purposefully. Eliza did not just watch her grown daughter break down in front of her, something that probably hasn’t happening in a long time, and just ignored that. I don’t think Alex quite believed her in that moment, and I don’t think Eliza quite earned that yet, but it was said and it’s now up to Eliza to prove it.

And she does. Off screen, too.

Because now we’re at the part I started this long ass post for in the first place. Two lines of dialogue that actually says everything there is to be said about how this relationship is no longer a mess. It’s not quite healed, but it is scarring over.

Here is a good example of when to actually take dialogue at face value.

The difference between Alex being biased about Eliza and taking what she says as serious, but not quite damning, is that Eliza is not in the room to defend or confirm Alex’s words.

Now, let’s take a look at when Alex comes out as gay to Eliza. Eliza says two things, that I believe are often overlooked.

One. “Keeping secrets disagrees with you, sweetie.”

Alex, Agent Alex Danvers, is exactly that. A fucking secret agent of a shadow government organization. We all know just how good Alex is at her job. She kept up the secret from Eliza for years. She should be very good at keeping secrets. Just look at Kara’s entire existence, for god’s sake. Yet, Eliza now claims that she can tell when Alex is lying. And Alex seems completely incapable of lying to Eliza right now. She’s so painfully obvious in this scene. And if there relationship was just as bad as it used to be, she shouldn’t be, right?

So this tells me a few things. One, Alex doesn’t keep secrets from Eliza anymore. It seems to me, that they have been speaking with each other.

Which goes right into the second piece of dialogue. “Is this something to do with Maggie? You talk about her a lot.”

Which confirms that they speak regularly. Because when would Alex ever have the chance to talk to Eliza if they don’t flat out call each other on the regular? Because, at this point, Alex and Maggie haven’t known each other for a terribly long time. Yet, Eliza not only knows that Alex’s secret has to do with Maggie, but knows Alex cares about Maggie as well.

I mean, Christ, this is some pretty clear cut shit. They’ve been repairing their relationship on their own terms, off screen for a while. But, there’s still that lingering hurt. Which is why Alex was afraid of coming out in the first place.

This is a stark difference between Thanksgiving 1 and this scene. Alex was angry at Eliza during T1. She told her about the DEO in a way that wasn’t conductive to becoming emotionally vulnerable. I.E. alone, with Winn not right next to her. There weren’t going to be any tears, any heart felt questions, or any vulnerability so long as he was right there.

During T2, Alex gets even more drunk because she knows she can’t handle the emotional fallout here either. However, she does try here because most of the people there are actually her family at that point. With the exception of Mon-el. She’s not looking to have a one-to-one conversation with Eliza, though. That’s the whole purpose of coming out surrounded by people, I suspect.

But this time, they are alone. Alex does not decide to hide. She could have. Eliza was going to drop the matter. Alex decided to keep the conversation going when she asked, “How?” Alex is not angry right now. She is afraid. She is afraid of being a disappointment. Which is different from being a failure. A failure is something you do. Or fail to do, rather. It is on your shoulders, it is your fault. Being a disappointment can be different. It can be linked to failure, to being your fault, but I don’t think Alex was thinking this way in that moment. She was afraid that Eliza was be disappointed in what she was, not who. You can see this has nothing to do with anger because Alex immediately bursts into tears while stone cold sober.

The fact that Eliza was surprised that Alex was so afraid speaks volumes, too. She’s not oblivious. She knows she’s hurt Alex in the past. That’s the whole aftermath of T1, after all. But they’ve been getting closer, they’ve been speaking, Alex doesn’t remember how to lie to her, Eliza knows that not only is Alex gay from the mere descriptions she makes of Maggie but that Alex also speaks about Maggie enough for Eliza to even realize that Maggie is an important part of Alex’s life. They are in the midst of healing. Eliza is surprised because she thought they had moved past this. Only to find out that they haven’t, and Eliza chooses to tell Alex that she is exceptional.

This is dialogue you cannot just brush off. Alex and Eliza are only talking about each other to each other. This is not biased dialogue. If it were, one of them would have started arguing, most likely Alex. But that’s not what happened. It was an emotional, vulnerable, and open scene between these two. Which means that they were both completely and utterly honest with each other.

I’m sorry, but this is not the actions of two people who ignore each other until Eliza decides out of the blue to come visit National City, and “Alexandra, surely you won’t mind, I’ll be there tomorrow.”

And “Shit, Maggie, my MOM is coming here? What am I going to do?!?!” 

“Alex, babe, please put down the scotch. I’ll take care of her for you if you want.”

“Thanks, Mags. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

I mean, for god sake.

What the fuck?