#bpd + alexithymia culture

[borderline-culture-is]

questioning bpd + alexithymia culture is not knowing whether you experience mood swings/intense emotions because apart from them being internalized you also can't even tell what/if you're feeling most of the time

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[confusion-x-central]

me : "I don't think I actually have BPD because my emotions aren't really that intense. Like, I hardly feel anything ever."

also me : *had a full meltdown and was on the verge of unaliving after my family laughed more at my aunt's card than mine in a game of Cards Against Humanity*

[no-empathy-culture-is]

Fluctuating empathy culture is

1 am I a headmate with fluctuating empathy or did we switch

2 wait what is empathy? when I feel mildly sad, like three second frowny face, that my grandma has dementia because that's just generally a horrible experience for anyone to go through is that empathy? even though it doesn't actually bother me or upset me that much? and also even though I don't care about her as family, just as another living person?

3 wait what is empathy? ft strangers because the same thing happens where it's like, intellectually I know situations are bad and like, I basically feel a tiny emotional "sucks that anyone is dealing with it at all" but I don't like... emotionally connect with the victims of whatever it is? is that sympathy to still have a mild emotional response but not to like, feel deeply bad based on what they are feeling???

4 wait do I actually have fluctuating empathy because I remember feeling really strong empathy these times. wait was that me or someone else? wait also even if it was me have I lost the ability to feel empathy forever or is this just temporary? wait can I feel empathy right now???

5 TIME FOR EMPATHY FOR PARTNER WHO IS ONE PERSON ON PLANET COMPLETELY TRUSTED. BIG FEELINGS TIME WHOO

6 Wait how does empathy for headmates work if their feelings are literally present in shared consciousness and I'm also there and aware of them but I'm not feeling them exactly it's more like I'm feeling the headmate feel them

7 AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

8 I'm hyperempathetic now and fundamentally can't understand the experience of being low empathy though I respect it. I have always been hyperempathetic and always will be. Ironically I cannot empathize with lack of empathy.

9 Just kidding now I'm no empathy and always have been and always will be and fundamentally don't understand empathy.

10 Oh now I'm low empathy and doubting myself again because yeah I CAN feel empathy... or is that just sympathy? No I think it's empathy. But also it's mild so I can't tell because I'm so used to BIG EMOTIONS (esp from BPD) that I have alexithymia around small emotions and similar. I mean I know empathy isn't an emotion exactly but brain still can't process it in same way. So now tennis game of "is empathy/is not" for hours

Bonus: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA part 2

fluctuating empathy culture is

[zwischenbiosundamare]

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[cluster-b-culture-is]

bpd and alexithymia culture is getting rlly mad when you have to say what feelings a poem evokes because i don't even understand my own how am i meant to understand this random poet's

[soulvomit]

Something I think a lot about is how boys and girls are raised in different linguistic silos. One thing tripping me up in revisiting autism discourse is that now that there are communities online that are just women, and that there are women coming into the broader autism community who are coming from a different cultural silo wrt: autism: different words and descriptions of subjective experiences are coming up, people are using different words to describe interior experiences than I'm familiar with. I would not even recognize myself as being on the spectrum based on some of this framing, and some of the language is often confusing to my alexithymia.

For example, a ton of heavily "highly sensitive person" and hyperemotionality types of words, by people who read a lot of stuff about emotions. As someone who's somewhat alexithymic who initially came into this discourse in the 1990s when it was still hugely men and cognitively/linguistically gender-non-conforming women, I can't even recognize myself in these words. 

(Have to consider how much influence is coming from female-associated comorbids like BPD, and whatever cultural psy op is trying to erase those problematic "sperglords" from autism discourse to sanitize and prettify ASD etc, but... in these conversations I think there's an element of gendered linguistic silo and it’s a silo I wasn’t really that much part of, so they may as well be speaking an alien language)

[borderline-culture-is]

BPD + High Alexithymia culture is being emotionally unstable but also not being able to even tell or even feel your own emotion/mood at the same time.. ???

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[confusion-x-central]

umm..

so I didn't even know that you were supposed to actually feel empathy and not just force yourself to act a certain way based on how others seem to be feeling...hmmm

[borderline-culture-is]

bpd + alexithymia culture is not knowing if you can even consider how you feel about Them splitting black or white because you're constantly arguing with yourself over whether or not they're a good person. like "ARGH THEY HATE ME THEYRE THE WORST!!" to "no they don't, they're doing this for my own good!" type shit. what would i even call it? splitting gray?

i don't want to believe that they're all bad or all good (i pride myself making an effort to see things for the murky grays they usually are), so the rebuttals are constant and never-ending. but...

you know what, bonus round: bpd culture is not using metaphors you made in anonymous asks just in case the person you're vagueing sees them, even if you know it's highly unlikely they'll see it, let alone care. anyway, i hate the back-and-forthing.

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