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ariaxco · 16 days ago

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signs you're healing (and they hate it) ⋆.ೃ࿔*:･ 🧸

healing isn't just green juice and therapy sessions. it's becoming someone people can't manipulate anymore.

and some people really, really hate that version of you.

they liked you better when you were broken. when you were available for their drama. when you absorbed their chaos and made it your responsibility to fix them.

now you're healing, and they're losing their favorite emotional dumping ground. they're watching you become someone who won't tolerate their mess, and it's making them panic.

you stop explaining yourself

old you: "so sorry i can't hang out tonight, i've had such a long week at work and my anxiety has been really bad and i know you probably think i'm making excuses but i promise i'm not trying to avoid you i just really need some alone time to recharge and i hope you understand and i'm sorry again for canceling last minute..."

new you: "i can't tonight."

they're mad because they can't argue with clarity. they're used to finding holes in your elaborate explanations and guilt-tripping you into compliance. now there's nothing to work with.

they'll call you "cold" or "different." they'll say you've changed. they'll try to make you feel guilty for not providing them with a dissertation about your decisions.

let them be mad. your energy is not a debate topic.

you're comfortable with being misunderstood

you used to exhaust yourself trying to make everyone understand your perspective. you'd explain your trauma, justify your boundaries, provide context for your reactions.

now? you realize that understanding is a choice, not your responsibility.

you're not performing your healing for an audience. you're not documenting every breakthrough on social media. you're not explaining your journey to people who weren't there for your pain.

you're just quietly becoming someone who doesn't need their validation to know you're on the right path.

this makes them uncomfortable because they can't control the narrative anymore. they can't paint you as the villain when you refuse to engage with their version of events.

you stop fixing people

this is the big one. the one that makes them lose their minds.

you used to be their unpaid therapist, their emotional support system, their personal savior. you believed that love meant sacrificing yourself on the altar of their problems.

you'd stay up until 3am talking them through their latest crisis. you'd drop everything when they called crying. you'd give advice they'd never take and support they'd never appreciate.

now you've realized: you're not their therapist, their mother, or their rehabilitation center.

when they call with the same problem for the hundredth time, you say "that sounds hard" and change the subject. when they try to trauma dump, you redirect the conversation. when they expect you to fix their life, you remind them that's their job.

they hate this. they call you "selfish" and "unsupportive." they accuse you of not caring anymore.

the truth? you care more than ever. you care enough about yourself to stop enabling their dysfunction. you care enough about them to stop robbing them of the chance to grow by constantly rescuing them.

some people only liked you because you were broken enough to fix them. now that you're healing, they don't know how to relate to you.

you're boring to toxic people

drama used to excite you. chaos used to pull you in like a magnet. you'd get addicted to the intensity, the emotional highs and lows, the feeling of being needed in the midst of someone else's storm.

now their chaos feels exhausting. their drama feels performative. their crises feel manufactured.

you don't respond to every bait they throw. you don't engage with their provocations. you don't feed their need for reaction and attention.

they're losing their power over you, and they can feel it.

when they try to start arguments, you grey rock. when they create unnecessary drama, you remove yourself. when they fish for reactions, you give them nothing.

they'll escalate. they'll try harder to get you to engage. they'll throw bigger tantrums when you don't take the bait.

stay boring. your peace is worth more than their entertainment.

you choose peace over being right

old you needed to win every argument. you needed the last word. you needed to prove your point and make them understand your perspective.

new you realizes that some people are committed to misunderstanding you, and no amount of explaining will change that.

you don't need to win every argument. you don't need to correct every lie they tell about you. you don't need to defend yourself to people who are determined to paint you as the villain.

you choose peace over being right. you choose your sanity over their validation.

this drives them insane because they're used to being able to bait you into arguments. they're used to being able to upset you with their words. they're used to having power over your emotional state.

now you just... don't engage. you walk away. you refuse to participate in their dysfunction.

you're selective with your energy

you used to be available for everyone, all the time. your phone was always on. your door was always open. your shoulder was always ready for someone to cry on.

you've learned that availability isn't kindness — it's self-abandonment.

now you're selective. not everyone deserves your time, attention, or emotional labor. not every invitation requires a response. not every crisis requires your intervention.

you've learned to ask yourself: "does this person add value to my life, or do they just extract it?"

you've stopped giving equal access to people who give you unequal respect.

they hate this because they're used to having unlimited access to you. they're used to being able to drain your battery whenever they need a charge.

now they have to earn your time and energy. now they have to prove they deserve space in your life.

you validate yourself

you used to need their approval to feel good about your choices. you'd seek their opinion before making decisions. you'd look to them for confirmation that you were doing the right thing.

now you trust yourself. you know your worth without their confirmation. you make decisions based on what feels right for you, not what looks good to them.

you celebrate your wins without needing their applause. you comfort yourself through losses without needing their sympathy. you're complete without their validation.

this terrifies them because they're losing their power over you. they can't control you with their approval or disapproval anymore.

you protect your inner child

you've realized that some people are unsafe for the soft, vulnerable parts of you. they've proven they can't be trusted with your heart, your dreams, or your fears.

you stop sharing your deepest thoughts with people who use them against you. you stop seeking comfort from people who caused your pain. you stop expecting emotional safety from emotionally unsafe people.

you become protective of your peace, your joy, your healing journey.

they'll accuse you of being "closed off" or "cold." they'll say you don't trust them anymore.

they're right. you don't. and you shouldn't.

trust is earned, not owed.

why their discomfort is confirmation you're healing

when you start healing, some people lose their access to you. they lose their emotional dumping ground. they lose their chaos companion. they lose their favorite person to project onto.

they preferred you when you were:

available for their drama

absorbing their emotions

fixing their problems

accepting their mistreatment

seeking their approval

questioning your own reality

now you're:

protecting your peace

processing your own emotions

solving your own problems

demanding respect

validating yourself

trusting your own perception

of course they hate it.

your healing wasn't supposed to make them comfortable. it was supposed to make you free.

let them be mad about your boundaries. let them be confused by your growth. let them be uncomfortable with your healing.

their reaction to your health says everything about them and nothing about you.

you're not healing to make them happy. you're healing to make yourself whole.

and if they can't celebrate your wholeness, they don't deserve access to your brokenness.

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discomxcabre · 3 months ago

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star boy, oh mine 1

[PRAGUE 1993] [WARSAW 1994 pt.1] [COMING SOON ] [COMING SOON] | [masterlist]

viktor x gn!rockstar reader

tw // smoking, alcohol, subtextual mentions of sa, cussing

cw: they/them pronouns for reader, viktor-centric, czech viktor, vik has a last name, jayce, vi and jinx are here too, 90s au, reader is cocky, flirty and a bit of a rube, caitvi in the subtext, author is attempting to be funny, power dynamics (fan x idol), unplanned angst, i wrote songs for this [smut: sub top!vik, darcyphilia, hickeys, praise, anal, aftercare, reader is drunk]

summary: after a concert to celebrate getting a degree, viktor dvořák catches the attention of his idol and makes an irresponsible decision that will forever reposition the constellations in his heart.

note: it has some funny lines so don't read it just for smut. (i choked on water writing one of these lines.)

5.9k words

PRAGUE, 1993

„These standing rooms were a mistake,” Viktor grumbled, shifting from his weaker leg. He could feel the music in his bones, but everything, everything was stopping him from enjoying the concert.

He just got his doctorate in astronomy, was about to make a scientific breakthrough and right now you, his idol and the vocalist of the independent rock band – Y/N & The Sisters of Discordance – were performing on a scene just before him.

He should be on cloud nine. But in reality he was in pain and annoyed at people covering his view, having nowhere to sit, while his leg was giving him a bad time, and the smell of other people’s sweat tortured his nose. At least Jayce was shielding him from being crushed.

“Really?” Jayce looked down at him. “We can see everything!”

“You can, Jayce. Only thing I see is the back of this guy in front of me.” He complained. “And my leg hurts.”

“I can help it.”

Viktor felt Jayce’s hands lifting him up and suddenly he was the highest of all people in these standing rooms. As high as the moon itself, maybe. His friend carried him piggyback. And he could see everything. He laid his eyes on you, singing with your whole throat, as your fingers pulled the strings of your guitar.

At the back, Vi was hitting the drums, and Jinx was pulling the strings of her bass. But his enraptured vision made him see you and only you.

As you did a riff, Viktor’s heart stopped. You were mesmerizing, your voice, piercing through the speakers, was awakening the audience, making them cheer, put their hands up and sing along with their intoxicated voices. You blinded him like the sun. And he could feel everyone’s attention pointing onto the small, quiet scientist risen above everyone else’s heads.

Your eyes converged with his and he gripped his cane tighter. You smiled at him and he thought he was about to fall.

***

After you and your band left the stage, the fans started dispersing from the club. Their drunken shouts and screams so loud he just wanted to gag all these people. When there was finally some space, Viktor got back on the ground. But fuck… He was still able to feel the hot air filing him inside. Still able to feel your gazes merging like a lunar eclipse.

“Thank you, Jayce.” He breathed. “Y/N looked me in the eyes.”

“You think they will remember you?”

“Don’t be delusional. They won’t.” He put his cane forward, heading to the exit from the club.

“They will. You know, mom got me a backstage pass.” Jayce smiled.

Viktor didn’t know what to say. He just went with Jayce to the backstage, through the corridors painted with unevenly spread paint, with one colour for upper half and other for the lower. He peeked through the door. You were giving an interview to a journalist from a local newspaper, with a camera before your face.

The rock magazines would soon sprout out all these headlines: Y/N L/N, the unknown lyrical genius?, or Y/N & The Sisters of Discordance – new rising star or a total failure?

“Tell us, Y/N, how do you see the future of your band?” the journalist asked.

“Do I have to be honest? If yes, then without me.”

Viktor pulled onto Jayce’s flannel shirt. He felt his eyes opening, and saw his knuckles whitening, while gripping the material.

“Listen.” He told him.

You continued what you were saying.

“Or just with another songwriter. I’m losing inspiration. Guess I just have to find a muse.” You said with a chuckle.

Your eyes laid on Viktor. Again, now harder. As you were saying the word muse. His body lit up, about to implode or explode, turn him into a supernova.

“Okay, end the interviews.” You ordered. “Everyone, please go.”

“I haven’t finished mine yet!” Jinx shouted.

“Y/N, you can’t just…” Vi mumbled with concern in her voice. She gave the journalist a compassionate look. “Whatever…”

"Okay, you two can stay, but hurry up," you said.

What an audacity.

And everyone simply started leaving. Viktor headed to the exit, too. Even if he wanted to stay for a minute. This rocker’s voice contains something, he was certain. The chance of this silly idea coming true evaporated. He sighed.

“Not you, cane boy!”

He curled up.

You must be talking about him. Yes, this insolent rocker mesmerises people with their voice. He wanted to go. He wanted to stay. He wanted to leave. He wanted you to say a word to him. He wanted- He…

Fuck.

“Me?” He asked. No, he squeaked. His voice was annoyingly high, so high it drowned out his intelligence, the thing he mesmerised you by in his stupid dreams. He sounded so pathetic in front of his musical deity.

“Who else here has a cane?” You asked with a confident smile, leaning on the chair you were sitting on.

Viktor bit his lip. Journalists walked past him and Jayce, who then shoved him into the room. He held onto his cane till his knuckles became even whiter. He wanted to hit his friend with it so, so bad it was ridiculous. You stood up from your chair, smiling, and he felt his cheeks, and especially his nose and his ears turning red.

You reached your hand to him. Viktor was shaking. You were real. Persona, he saw only on posters, rock magazines, once on MTV at Jayce’s house when they were playing more niche bands in the middle of the night, and just a minute ago, on stage. Made of flesh and bone, breathing air, looking at him. He shook your hand back. And you were real. Real, with hands that warmed his cold skin and a smile that narcotised his star-filled brain.

“You must have a backstage pass.”

And he couldn’t respond. How do you say it in English? He couldn’t even in his native Czech. He just squeaked.

“He knows English!” Jayce shouted and Viktor wanted to slap him. “He’s just shy!”

“Jayce…”

“Don’t be shy, I don’t bite.” You smirked. “Tell, me, what’s your name?”

“It’s Viktor. Viktor Dvořák.”

“Viktor Dvořák… What a pretty name.”

“Doctor Viktor Dvořák!” Jayce walked into the room, then hugged him over his shoulder with his big bicep. “He recently got a doctorate!”

“Oh really? In what?”

“In astronomy.” He said quietly, hoping you won’t pay attention to his thick accent. “I am… looking at pulsars and…” He stopped, trying to find words in the foreign language.

“You know, you can tell me about your research in the hotel room.” You joked, looking at him. It seemed to him like your eyes contained unspoken indecency, that gave him shivers. Your vision suddenly purified. “Do you guys want an autograph?”

“Indeed.” Viktor mumbled. This risqué idea seemed weirdly alluring.

Now, he wanted to slap himself.

“Sure!” Jayce took off his flannel, exposing his back and broad shoulders to you. You took out an indelible marker and painted your autograph on the white material of his shirt.

“I talk… I was talking um… hotel rooms.” A quiet voice escaped Viktor’s lips.

You laughed and stroked his shoulder. He trembled at your touch, still unable to believe he was meeting his idol in person. He couldn’t stop monitoring himself: the way he held his free hand and his cane, the way he smiled, the way words went out of his mouth. And he couldn’t hide that accent.

“And I was joking.” You replied, then smirked. “Unless...”

Viktor knew he was all red. Knew that if he opens his mouth, nothing coherent will come out. Jayce yanked him to the corner of the room and gripped his shoulders.

“Vik! This is hella irresponsible!” He shouted, whispering. “You will…”

“I know what I’m doing, Jayce.”

“So?” You asked.

“I’m going.”

“Viktor, for God’s sake!”

That’s exactly what he wanted to yell at himself.

You grabbed the material of his shirt, like you wanted to take him somewhere. Please, be it this fucking hotel room.

Jayce pouted.

“Viktor! You are going to a hotel with them while I have nowhere to stay!” He exclaimed. “We were supposed to get back to Ostrava right after the concert!”

You looked at Jayce, then at the bassist.

“Hey, Vi! Will you find him a place to stay?” You asked her and she looked up from the guitar she was tuning. “Unless you two have to necessarily be in Ostrava tomorrow…” You said to them.

“Why me?” She asked.

“Please, you’re good at these things.”

“Well… okay. Come with me, big boy.”

“I’ll get you back at 10 o’clock from the Jan Hus monument, okay, Vik?”

“Just get me tomorrow.” He muttered under his breath.

Ten minutes after Jayce and Vi left, Viktor was sitting beside you in the dressing room, as you held him close by his hip. Jinx focused her attention on the vocalist and the nervous wreck of a boy they picked up from the backstage.

Viktor leaned closer, sitting so close to you, almost on your lap. And you were holding his skinny, uninvitingly small and stiff thigh. And you somehow held it like he was a supermodel. And he hated how he melted under your touch.

“Have you heard of planets outside the solar system?” He stuttered, sitting huddled beside you, as you manspreaded across the seat, sipping a coctail. You have already changed into a loose undershirt.

“No.” Jinx said, unbraiding her blue hair.

“I did… but not much.” You said, smiling at him.

“Do you want me to talk about them?” Viktor looked you in the eyes, and he felt how his were widening like the ones of anything other than the brilliant astronomer he wanted you to see him as.

“No.” Jinx answered with a voice that screamed she didn’t care about the sciences. Then, she hid behind the curtain to change, throwing out her top from behind it.

The top landed on Viktor. “It is clear you didn’t.” He said, folding the piece of clothing. “A mind too closed to know that it should not throw clothes.”

You laughed, covering your face. Somehow, you melted him so much he now was bantering with the drummer.

“Please, tell me about them, professor Dvořák.” You looked into his eyes, holding his chin, making him explode inside. The way you called him professor Dvořák... Not doctor, professor. And how soft and attentive was your gaze. Your warm hand patted his hip. “I can’t wait till we’re alone in the hotel room.”

***

“Finally, just the two of us.” You said. Jinx and Vi, who recently got back with you to the hotel room, went to a bar to celebrate. You have ordered pizza for you and Viktor.

Now, he was standing in the centre of the hotel room. He wanted to sit, since his leg was tormenting him. But the air didn’t let him sit down before you do. He hissed in pain.

“Do you want to sit down?” You looked at his cane. Viktor nodded. He was certain you were some kind of mind reader.

A minute later, pizza arrived.

“Vi will kill us for this.” You said, taking a piece of pizza out of the box that lied on the bed. Like you weren’t his idol, but his friend, like Jayce. Whatever he was doing now.

You both were sitting on the white sheets in the white room, with Viktor’s cane lying beside him on the mattress. You bit of a piece of cheese-covered batch, steaming into the air. Viktor poked the pizza with his finger. The thought of eating, of biting, chewing and swallowing in front of you was hitting him with embarrassment that tangled his guts in a knot.

“Hey, Vik, why aren’t you eating?” You tilted your head in a caring manner, then smiled. “Tell me, at least there will be more pizza for me.”

“It’s… nothing.”

“Are you starving yourself like some fashion model? You’re already super skinny, I mean…”

“It’s a chronic illness. You know that the first exoplanets were speculated to exist in ninetieth century?” Viktor changed the subject, then took a triangle of pizza, covering his face with his hand. How comfortable he was becoming with you.

You looked at him, again with this weird concern in your eyes. Whatever you were thinking, Viktor knew one thing. You got attached. So quickly, he was pitying you for only being able to spend one night alongside him.

He took another bite, with his face covered, trying not to chew too loud, praying not to stain his face with tomato sauce. And you looked at him like at the prettiest of flowers.

“You know, the guy that speculated it saw anomalies in 70 Ophiuchi double star and thought some planet might exist there,” Viktor continued.

“Oh yeah? How did the research go later?”

“In the 1890s they abandoned it, they thought a third body in between the stars would make it unstable.”

“That was a hundred years ago, isn’t it crazy?”

“A lot happened a hundred years ago,” Viktor said. He noticed how your pupils widen at the face he made.

“You’re so pretty, Viktor. Your accent is too, and your brain…” You smiled at him weirdly, like you were expecting something. He knew what and it made him redder than the sauce on the pizza. You took the box into your hand and put it on the floor. “Fuckable, I would say.” You tilted up his chin so he couldn’t cover his face.

You cleaned his cheek of tomato sauce with your fingers. So unsexy.

“You want an… intercourse with me?” He felt how his cheeks become hotter than the sun itself and more red than the planet of Mars.

“You know, I’m too lazy today.”

“I can top.”

You lied on the mattress, then took out a pack of cigs and a lighter. You lit up your cigarette.

“So, take your dick out, pretty boy.” You said, inhaling the nicotine.

Viktor hugged the pillow. “Shouldn’t we kiss first?” He gripped the sheet closer to his chest.

Without saying anything, you pulled him onto your lap by his hips, like he weighted nothing. Your breath hit his face, smelling of nicotine, etanol and pizza. You took out the cigarette out of your mouth and put it in between his lips, gently holding the lower lip with your two fingers, getting them wet from his spit. Did it already count as a kiss?

His thighs were split by your knee, and his crotch was touching your thigh. You took his black Nirvana shirt off him, making him expose his hairy armpits, bones protruding from his ridiculously small and hairy torso, and his back brace. Then you kissed, no, you bit his neck and Viktor let out a moan of his lips, as his fingers grabbed the cigarette.

He didn’t have a scarf or a turtleneck and probably neither had anyone in the band.

“Don’t drop the cig, star boy, you will burn the bed.” You said with lust in your eyes, then started kissing his collarbone.

Viktor squeaked.

Then he felt as you unbuckled his jeans. You quickly flipped him on his back like he was as light as a ragdoll, then put up his legs, sliding the pants down. You threw them onto the floor.

But you were still clothed. You were still fully clothed, while he was wearing just his boxers and leg and back brace, feeling like a prostitute.

“So pretty.” Your eyes examined him from head to toe. “Better than a supermodel.”

Viktor took out the cigarette. Now it smoked in his fingers. You lowered yourself to his flat, hairy stomach and kissed it, biting his skin and hairs on his happy trail it like he was a snack. Viktor whimpered, covering his face with a pillow. Your lips travelled onto his hips, then on his legs and his inner thighs. As you nibbled the skin in between the brace on his weaker leg, he whined with a high pitch, trying to muffle it by pressing his face into the pillow. Your fingers gripped his hips like hawk claws. You put his leg over your shoulder.

He whimpered.

“What’s wrong, little star?”

“Other leg…” he mewled.

“I’ll kiss it if you won’t hide your pretty face anymore.”

Your mouth kissed the neglected, healthy leg of his gently. Then, your lips sucked onto it and he knew the next day all of his body will be red from hickeys. Your lips felt like heaven on his skin. Soft, wet, warm, hiding sharp teeth. As much as he wanted to hide himself in sheets, he stopped himself in the name of your mouth. And as you watched him, he repeated to himself, that you probably find his awkward face adorable.

Then the sensation stopped and he whimpered for more, feeling as his genius brain gets turned into something between a mush and a nebula. He gripped the bedsheet tighter.

“Undress me now.”

He opened his eyes wide, hearing these words from your mouth. Viktor’s hands were shaking. You laid before him as you put your hands under your head like shameless lazybones, and your legs spread between him. He took the white material of your undershirt between his fingers. The same thing with the other hand. He slid up your undershirt.

Your naked torso, the nude skin of his idol he imagined so many times, was even more beautiful in alive sight. Shaped better than he ever thought. You pulled his eyes onto his hypnotized self.

“Give me the cig, Viktor.”

His body shivered, as your voice said his name. It fondled every centimeter of his exposed skin. He gave you the cigarette, and you parted your mouth. As he put it between your teeth, his finger brushed your lips. He was almost naked, you were shirtless, but this, this little touch made him hard with no way to go back.

You inhaled some smoke. Viktor unbuckled your belt, then you stopped him to take out a condom and lube out of your pocket. He continued, unzipping your pants and sliding them down. He folded it into nice cubes, partially as a quiet mental revenge on Jinx for throwing her top at him.

Next, he touched your underwear. Underwear of his idol that would be sold for so much money he would never need sponsorship for his research. It smelled intoxicating. He slid it down, and you winked at him, exhaling cigarette smoke. Now, he was unsure how he will look at the posters of you in his bedroom, as he had seen your parts.

“You are…” He mumbled.

“Beautiful? Sexy? Stunning?” You prompted, then put the cigarette in his mouth and gripped his waist, just under his back brace. “Fuckable?”

He nodded.

“All of these? Then fuck me, show me how you do it. Just let me…”

You opened the condom with the teeth that have been just a minute ago biting his thighs. You touched his length and as you slithered the silicone material down on his sensitive skin, he whimpered, squeezing his eyes and hiding his face in his hands. And then, you put a massive amount of lube. He clenched his teeth, not to sound like a pathetic little cat.

You clasped his hips and shoved him inside you. You grunted and wiped sweat out of your forehead. Viktor cried. You, engulfing his length, were so tight he was shivering. And you took just the half of him.

He moved, and the friction made him tremble. You stroked his hip, like you were praising him. His whole body was covered in sweat, and he was breathing so hard his lungs hurt.

It was pathetic, how sensitive he was. He was barely inside you, but you having kissed his thighs had drove him so close.

Another thrust, he could take it better. He didn’t squeak like a cat, he only whimpered quietly, as three-quarters of his length were inside you. A drop of his sweat dripped onto your chest.

You slid him out by his hips, then slid inside again with a quiet moan. Viktor could barely stay up, even with a brace holding him. He was about to shatter.

“Have you done it before, little star?” You asked, exhaling smoke.

Viktor’s voice didn’t want to cooperate. Instead of yes, his mouth only said a squeal. He hid in a pillow.

“I can give your sweet mouth something to do, if you don’t feel like speaking.” You exposed his face from under a sheet. His length twitched and you hummed with a grin on your face, like you knew perfectly what you were doing.

Viktor knew his face was the shade of the Martian atmosphere and he regretted he ever learned English because of this.

He felt as your legs wrap around his waist, sliding him deeper. His brain was getting mushier with every millimeter. He trembled, gritting his teeth, knowing he was about to melt into a liquid state of matter and drip down inside you. His muscles were becoming soft like a pillow. He leaned on his hands between your head, leaning on his healthy leg. Every thrust of his was weaker, as his muscles were turning into plush.

“You’re so cute.” You chuckled, your hand brushing his damp hair. You were smirking, looking up at him with so much love in your glance. “Just a bit more.”

“I can’t… I’m cumming.”

“You can, sweetie. Just one more thrust.”

He obeyed, moving his hips into you. You pet his hair with a gentle smile, like he wasn’t milliseconds from turning into ashes. He felt as his eyes fill with tears. You hushed at him, stroking his back with your cold hand. He shivered from the touch.

His vision got blurry from tears. His whole body was shaking, as he shot an embarrassing amount of juices into you. His back arched, and his whole length got engulfed by your hole. He collapsed onto your chest, crying and sweating, his muscles weakening. He was certain he was seeing space, exoplanets perhaps.

“Ah, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck, you’re really good at these things.” You hissed and wiped the sweat of your forehead. “That’s my boy.”

You took him off your chest, then took off his condom and put it in the trash. That whole while, he spent lying on the bed, shaking and crying loads of tears into the pillow. He became so sensitive.

You put on your undershirt and underwear, then lied on the bed. He felt as you slip his boxers back onto him. You pulled him onto your chest with so much ease. The warmth of your body was slowly putting him to sleep. Tears gently dripped down his heated face. His hair was wet and probably smelly from sweat, just like the rest of his body. And you were brushing it with your loving hand. He purred.

You put a warm duvet on the both of you. Then you wiped off his tears with it. He closed his eyes. Your heart was beating inside your chest like a lullaby for him. He was listening to it now, alongside the sound of your breath and the blood flowing in your veins, but just some hours ago, he was not even truly conscious that you were corporeal.

His hand tied with yours. He was in a city three hundred and fifty kilometres from his Ostrava, in a hotel room he never stepped a foot in before, with a person he just until today thought of as superhuman. But now, your thumb was stroking his hand, making him feel so safe.

You left a warm kiss on his forehead just before he fell asleep.

…

“Seriously, Y/N?” The bassist’s voice woke him up.

You whined in your sleep and Viktor felt how you embrace him tighter, putting your leg over his. Vi moved her eyes from sleepy you to him.

“Seriously, Dvořák? You’re sleeping here, on my side of the bed? At least you're small enough not to take up much space.”

“Just to let you know, I don’t kick in my sleep or snore,” he mumbled with a voice hoarse from sleep.

“Unlike my sister,” she laughed and eyed at Jinx, sleeping with her mouth open on the extra bed. “Your friend has now a place to stay. I haven’t spent too much money on him, fortunately.”

***

Viktor woke up in his bedroom.

Again, he was dreaming of meeting his favourite rockstar and agreeing to what only the most stupid fans would agree to. And he was everything but stupid. But that dream was so… realistic. He’s going to tell Jayce about this dream as soon as they meet in the university.

He wondered if his friend dreamt of something too. Jayce’s dreams were always weird, like when they both visited a cemetery named China and mausoleum of Václav Havel by a rollercoaster, then having to evacuate because a war broke out in Czechoslovakia. Or when they were watching Disney characters beating each other up on a rooftop, while he was fixing an electrical outlet.

Wait a minute, this wasn’t his bedroom. This was a hotel room he fell asleep in his dream, with white sheets and white walls, and the morning sun peeking through beige curtains. And it was not a dream. On the bed at the other side of the room, Jinx was snoring, hugging her shark plushie from Jaws. On his right side, Vi was sleeping with messed up hair and her arm falling off the mattress . Floor was filled with empty and half-empty beer cans, a pizza box and pizza crumbs. The only familiar thing in the room was his cane.

He felt your arms wrapped around his waist and your face nuzzled into the back of his neck. You were so warm. And you both smelled of sweat and pizza you ate last night.

You hugged him tighter and groaned as you woke up. He felt you nuzzling your face into his back. Then, your hands freed him, and you stretched. Viktor rolled over to see if you were real. And you were. So real and human with a morning face and unbrushed hair.

You moved yourself up, to be at the height of his eyes. Then, you got up onto your arms, with him stuck between your hands. You smirked, being on top of him. Real.

“Hello, star boy. Have you slept well?,” you asked with your voice so soft.

Viktor wiped his eyes with his fist, whining. His brain was still waking up.

„I’m going to the shower. Wanna go with me?”

“Ehh… I would need a shower bench and I’m sure there is none of that in this hotel.” His morning voice was hoarse and grainy.

“You’re right. I’ll be right back.” You bent your arms like you were doing a push up, then kissed him on the forehead. He watched as you grab your clothes and lock yourself in the bathroom. As the sound of water started to drip down, he fell back asleep.

…

“Jinx! Wake up,” Vi’s voice woke up him instead.

“No.”

“Wake up.”

“No.”

“Oh my god, Jinx…” She sighed. “Help me, Dvořák....”

Viktor was forced to open his eyes.

“I have a name.”

“Oh my god. Help me… Viktor, right?”

He nodded, then stretched himself, hearing his joints cracking. His braces were digging into his skin. He regretted not taking them off for the night. When he was already standing on the ground, barely holding himself on his cane by sleepy muscles, he threw on his yesterday’s shirt. It was smelly and he had nothing else to wear, but it was worth the night he spent with you.

He leaned his hand on the wall and poked Jinx on the nose with his cane. She rolled to the other side. He poked her on the back. She grabbed the cane and he fell onto the bed.

Viktor tsked, rolling his eyes. “You know that you’re lucky that I am too weak to throw this bed upside down with you in it?”

“How did Y/N fucking you go?” Jinx asked as soon as she saw him, ignoring his threats.

“Is it really the first question you chose to ask me in the morning?”

“They topped, did they?”

“A mind so closed it jumps to conclusions…”

“Shut up, star boy.”

Half an hour later, Jinx finally woke up and Vi made breakfast for the whole band. When it was already a quarter after 10 o’clock, Viktor began to worry and get impatient. Jayce was never late, if anything, he was always too early. You went with him downstairs to look for a telephone. You found it at the front desk.

Jayce quickly answered. No wonder, after all, he had a mobile phone, that he remembered costed a fortune at Tuzex. He leaned on the desk.

“What is that music, Jayce?” he said into the headset, hearing Czech techno that disrupted his friend’s voice.

“Sorry, Vik! They’re being loud and you know…”

“I get it, can you pick me up from Y/N?” He asked, feeling as your hand wraps around his. He tried to ignore it. “If you haven’t gone back to Ostrava without me.”

“No problem, Vik! I’m here in an hour!”

“An hour? Where the fuck were you sleeping? Just don’t tell me you somehow got to Austria like last year.”

“I don’t know, but I'm rushing to you! Wait by the Jan Hus monument, okay?”

Viktor hung up the phone. You squeezed his hand and looked him in the eyes.

“One hour. We have an hour.” You sighed and pulled him to yourself, hugging him from behind with your hands on his waist. “I’ll miss you when it passes.”

He knew you won’t. Stars like you don’t miss random groupies they took for a one night stand to their hotel rooms. But the softness with which your hands wrapped around him said something different. He knew you shouldn’t.

Viktor closed his eyes and leaned on you, trying to remember and savor every detail of these few seconds. He knew he shouldn’t.

***

You spent the hour made to clean the hotel room, like the bassist asked you to. In this hour, Viktor explained the Austria incident with all its gory and criminal details, and the rest of the history of the research of exoplanets. Then you told him the entire story of how your band got the name Y/N & The Sisters Of Discordance, also giving him the knowledge of the alternative names the band almost got, most of them invented by Jinx.

He tried not to pay too much attention, knowing how much he would miss you otherwise. But he knew you were trying to imprint him in your mind like a tatoo on your skin.

Your finger traced along his skin like you were an artist tracing along the sketch to imprint the image of him in your mind. The exact shape of his nose, lips and cheekbones, the exact tint of gold in his eyes.

He felt so sorry for you. Seeing as you slowly put on your combat boots and your leather jacket, as if you wanted the both of you to stay in this hotel for one more while. Forever, perhaps.

You were focused on the beauty of him. He was focused on the beauty of the old town, so nostalgia will feel less painful.

He went to some corner shop to buy something to drink, choosing a bottle of Kofola. Two streets later he saw the Jan Hus monument and someone, probably Jayce leaning on its wall. Finally, he won’t have to feel your presence.

It wasn’t because he had enough of you. It was because he knew the light of the memory of you will forever contrast with the mundanity the rest of his life.

Viktor shivered.

“Are you cold, star boy?” You asked him, caressing his shoulder.

This petname that just last night felt like a hug, now gave him the awareness that for the rest of his life he will choke on it. And every next kiss he will experience will be hollow.

“A bit.”

“Do you want my jacket?” You started taking it off. Yeah, you will give it to him and he will be forced to remember your smell that he will never get to feel again.

“Please, no.”

“Please, you will be sick.”

He will be sick anyways.

“We’re almost there. I swear I can see Jayce from here.”

You kissed Viktor on the neck in a farewell. Jayce was reading something, probably some comic book, as he leaned on the monument’s wall. The Týn Church’s spiky towers poked the cold air and the gray sky.

Your tear fell onto his shoulder, as your lips left his. He walked towards Jayce, trying to focus on the unevenness of the street. He waved at him, then seeing his friend run towards him.

„Dang it, Vik!” He shouted with a dramatic gesture. “When you were spending your dream night with a rockstar I had to sleep in a hostel for truck drivers! I don’t know if I was still in Czechoslovakia but it definitely wasn’t in Prague anymore! Did you at least… have nothing against them? You know, there are a lot of fans who got impregnated by their idols, and stuff...”

“You were definitely not in Czechoslovakia because it stopped existing three months ago, Jayce.” Viktor sipped on his Kofola. “And I’m sure I won’t get pregnant with Y/N. Even if, I will force them to pay alimony.”

“Will you? What did you even do with Y/N?”

“I explained exoplanets to them and then they…” he sighed, not wanting to let the memories grow their roots. “I’m greatly surprised I can still walk.”

Viktor saw an old lady eavesdropping him and Jayce, looking, like she just saw Satan.

„And how was your night in that hostel for truck drivers?”

Jayce’s red Skoda was parked by the Legion Bridge.

Viktor sat on the passenger seat, as Jayce stepped on the pedal, and they headed back to Ostrava. Jayce put a cassette into the player. The car filled with sounds of Y/N & The Sisters Of Discordance’s latest album. He was now unable not to reminisce the night with the owner of the voice filling the car.

Then, the song Girl With Diamonds In Her Blood started to play. Jayce started bopping his head to the fast melody of his favorite song on the album.

Your voice, that he heard both in it’s softest and the most indecent shape, the voice that called him professor Dvořák, your star boy and your little star. Both laughing as you found his entire existence adorable and saying stuff that turned him red. This voice was now singing the worst lyrics on the album in his opinion. At least, it was not you who wrote it, but Vi.

Finally, even if it was your voice, Jayce singing and torturing Viktor’s auditory nerves was more bearable than the memories of you he will never get to relive.

Jayce, as he was driving the car, was singing:

They said:

Girl with Violet in her name,

Why don’t you have any friends?

I said:

I had one friend in Britain

I know she’s either here or there

I wanted to drink some tea

And she wanted it with me

So she brought me to her home

That was palace of some sort

And what did i expect?

„Listen here, Jayce.” His friend ignored him, but he continued. "You’re lucky that you are the driver and my cane is in the backseat.”

But Viktor was forced to listen to his vocal performances, until he sang the last line, hitting the steering wheel:

It’s a year since I left and I coughed up all my blood.

“If you ever sing that song in my presence again, you will actually have coughed all your blood.”

When he saw the sign displaying the word Ostrava, his mind landed back on earth, leaving behind the comet of the last night.

#viktor x reader #arcane x reader #viktor x reader smut #viktor x gn!reader #sub viktor x reader #viktor x gn reader #viktor x m!reader #viktor x male reader #viktor x you #viktor x y/n #viktor x f!reader #viktor x female reader #viktor smut #arcane fanfic #🪐star boy oh mine ๋࣭ ⭑

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busylazy · 9 months ago

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SB19 101 + Songs to Listen to

SB19 is a trailblazing Filipino PPop (Pinoy Pop) group, making waves both locally and internationally with their unique blend of Filipino and Korean pop influences. Formed in 2016 under ShowBT Philippines, the group comprises five talented members: Pablo, Josh, Stell, Ken, and Justin. They are known for their powerful vocals, intricate choreography, and heartfelt songwriting, quickly rising to fame with their uplifting and relatable music.

Must Listen to SB19 Songs

"Go Up" (2019)

Their breakthrough hit, this upbeat song about perseverance catapulted SB19 to fame, earning them wide recognition.

The dance practice:

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The official MV:

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"Alab (Burning)" (2020)

A vibrant and energetic pop song with a catchy hook, "Alab" is a fan favorite for its infectious energy and danceable beat.

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"Hanggang Sa Huli" (2020)

A ballad about unrequited love and heartbreak, this song highlights SB19’s vocal harmonies and emotional depth.

I can only add 10 videos to a post so I selected 10 to share. I didn't include this track but you can watch this song's animated music video here. ⬅️

"Tilaluha" (2019)

SB19’s debut single, a sentimental ballad about longing and heartache, setting the stage for their success with its powerful vocals and emotional resonance.

Watch the music video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Fqszuma1zQ

"Mapa" (2021)

A heartfelt tribute to parents, "Mapa" combines "Mama" and "Papa" in its title, symbolizing gratitude and love as well as "mapa" for map, showing gratitude to those who guide us.

The song’s touching lyrics and soothing melody make it a fan favorite. It's their most-viewed video to date, with over 104 million views as of this post.

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"WYAT (Where You At)" (2022)

This upbeat, disco-pop track captures the excitement of reconnecting with loved ones after a long time apart. Its retro vibe and feel-good energy make it a standout. Its energy and catchy hook make it a great introduction to SB19’s style.

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"What?" (2021)

This powerful anthem speaks about identity and pride, blending rock and pop elements with explosive choreography.

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"Bazinga" (2021)

A hard-hitting track with themes of resilience and confidence. It topped Billboard's Hot Trending Songs chart, emphasizing the group's growing international fanbase.

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"Gento" (2023)

Known for its hard-hitting beat and confident lyrics, this song symbolizes change and progress. The title is a play on "ginto" (gold) and "ganito" (like this), signaling excellence and ambition. It’s an anthem of self-empowerment and worth, emphasizing the group's hard work and resilience.

It's their second most viewed video after "Mapa" and has been making the rounds on social media for its iconic dance moves. Several Korean idols and other celebrities did not escape the challenge to try the trend.

youtube

"I Want You" (2023)

A sultry, smooth track with a slow, sensual beat. This song showcases SB19's ability to blend R&B influences into their music while maintaining their signature style.

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"CRIMZONE" (2023)

A powerful anthem of defiance and resilience, this track has an intense energy with a rebellious tone, demonstrating SB19’s versatility in both sound and performance.

This track stands out with its intense beats and themes of perseverance, encouraging listeners to remain steadfast despite challenges. The energetic delivery and impactful lyrics give it an empowering feel.

Here's a link to the official lyric video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e-Nh623g0-Y

"Liham" (2023)

A moving ballad about unspoken feelings, "Liham" captures the pain and longing of words left unsaid in a heartfelt letter. It's themes of love, longing, and vulnerability, highlights SB19's emotional depth.

The lyric video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orU-h3eX-Gc

"Ilaw" (2023)

A more emotional, introspective track, "Ilaw" represents hope and guidance, showcasing SB19’s ability to convey deep feelings through gentle melodies and touching lyrics.

Here's a link to the official lyric video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Ns8DztSfwo

"Moonlight" (2024)

Moonlight has a dreamy, mellow feel, combining smooth melodies with reflective lyrics. It’s particularly appreciated for its atmospheric and soothing vibe.

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They have collaborated with Ian Asher and Terry Zhong in "Moonlight." Other collaborations include "Ready" with Apl.de.Ap of Black Eyed Peas and "Kalakal" with Gloc-9, the latter is often dubbed as the fastest rapper in the Philippines.

Other Must Watch Videos

Apart from their official music videos, it's worth watching live performances and one-take recordings such as from The First Take and Wish Bus.

SB19 offers a dynamic and diverse discography, blending pop, ballads, R&B, rock, and hip-hop, making them an exciting force in the PPop industry and beyond.

Members

Pablo (John Paulo Nase)

The group’s leader, main rapper, and lead vocalist, Pablo is also a talented songwriter and producer. He is credited with writing most of SB19's songs.

Josh (Josh Cullen Santos)

Josh serves as the lead rapper and sub-vocalist of the group. He's the eldest member of the group, but true to his name, Cullen, he's like a vampire who doesn't look his age.

While all of them struggled before reaching where they are right now, Josh's life story is probably the most interesting one (IMO). It could have easily landed an episode of biopic (often dramatic but with life lessons to serve) shows like "Magpakailanman" or "Maalala mo Kaya."

Stell (Stellvester Ajero)

Known for his powerful vocals, Stell is SB19's main vocalist. He is also involved in vocal arrangements and harmonies, bringing emotional depth to the group's music.

Ken (Felip Jhon Suson)

As the group's main dancer and sub-vocalist, Ken has a distinct low vocal range that adds texture to their songs.

Justin (Justin de Dios)

The youngest member and sub-vocalist, Justin is also the creative mind behind much of SB19's visual content, contributing to their music video direction and concepts.

Solo Music

SB19’s members have ventured into solo projects, further showcasing their individual artistry alongside their group success.

Pablo

Pablo's solo single, "La Luna" (2022), is a deep, introspective track that explores themes of inner battles, freedom, and identity, set against a dark, moody backdrop.

He continues to explore deeper themes in his solo work with two recent albums, "Alon" and "Laon" (2024). These albums are a reflection of his growth as a songwriter and producer, tackling topics like personal struggles, introspection, and resilience.

Laon (long time, old, ancient; you get the point) is more upbeat and often edgy, while Alon (waves, like ocean waves) is inspirational but sometimes heartbreaking.

"Butata" from Laon is easily the top track with it's basketball-themed lyrics referencing the anime Slam Dunk, which was a hit in the Philippines back in the 2000s. "Butata" literally means getting zero points or losing a game. It's a gritty, hard-hitting track that reflects Pablo’s ability to mix emotional vulnerability with strong, impactful lyricism.

I like all the songs in Alon, especially "The Boy Who Cried Wolf" and "Drowning in the Water." The former (TBWCW) is surprisingly not about the boy who cried wolf but about the boy who is also the wolf at the same time, and he's having a dialogue with himself. The latter is a song he wrote about a decade or so ago. Let me add "Wala" as well.

Josh

In 2023, Josh launched his solo single "Wild Tonight," which blends dark, edgy themes with electronic pop influences.

Josh later released "1999" this year, which reflects his personal memories and nostalgia of growing up in the '90s. The song blends retro vibes with modern electronic beats, celebrating the simplicity and joy of youth.

Other notable songs from both the first wave of singles and the current ones include Yoko Na featuring Al James, Get Right, No Control, and Sumaya. The entire Lost and Found album (2024) is bop to be honest, but my personal favorites are Silent Cries, See Me, and Honest.

Felip / Ken

Under his solo name "Felip," he has released tracks like "Palayo" and "Bulan," which explore his creative individuality and experiment with contemporary R&B and hip-hop with some traditional elements. Fake Faces easily makes him a "Rocksta." Let me add Kanako too. It's in Bisaya (another language in the Philippines).

Apart from the singles, he has released the 7 Sins (2024) album. I love the entire album, especially the rage song "envy" and the inspiring "ache." The kids choir at the song's bridge can melt your heart further amid the already heart-melting lyrics. His collaboration with Dutch-Filipino R&B singer Cyra Gwynth "lust" is a must-listen to track as well. The entire album is a must-listen to, actually.

Stell

Stell's songs combine a mix of ballads and pop tracks that allow him to express his personal experiences and artistic growth beyond his work with SB19.

(GIF is in his The Voice Philippines coach era)

One of the standout songs from Stell’s solo project, "Room" is a heartfelt ballad that focuses on the themes of love, vulnerability, and personal space. Stell’s rich vocals shine, creating an intimate emotional connection with listeners.

Speaking of that GIF, Stell became a coach for the Philippine franchise of The Voice Generations (2023) and The Voice Kids (2024). His rendition of All By Myself with David Foster further proves his vocal strength.

Justin

Justin’s recent solo releases have also gained attention for their unique storytelling and personal touch.

"Kaibigan" is a touching song about friendship and love (or more like friendzoned). It highlights Justin's lyrical ability to convey warmth and connection, blending gentle melodies with heartfelt lyrics.

"Surreal": This track dives into dreamlike themes of wonder and imagination, offering a smooth, almost ethereal sound that showcases Justin's creativity and softer vocal tones.

These solo efforts from SB19’s members, alongside their group discography, illustrate the depth of their musical abilities and their desire to push boundaries within PPop and beyond.

Erratum: this post is constantly being updated

DAM

Like, damn! The music video for SB19's new single, "DAM," for their upcoming comeback album SAW (Simula at Wakas, translates to "the Beginning and the End" or "Start and Finish") is so damn lit! It has surpassed 4 million YouTube views within 24 hours. That's the second highest record in the Philippines to date.

SAW World Tour

Like, damn! The SAW World Tour Philippine leg at the Philippine Arena (with a capacity of 50,000+ seats) got sold out in just 7 hours! Other tour locations also got sold out! Some even within several minutes! 😱

#sb19 #sb19 pablo #sb19 justin #sb19 stell #sb19 josh #sb19 ken #ppop #music #youtube videos #simula at wakas

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astrodice · 1 year ago

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PAC: What chakra do you need to work on? (+ shadow work prompts)

Excuse my grammar/spelling mistakes if there's any 🥲

Pile 1 🧠

Crown chakra - Rejection

If you feel like you don’t belong with certain places/people or like you’re not good enough then you need to work on your crown chakra. This pile is especially for those wha have experienced rejection. The simple message of the card says: «Rejection is redirection». Basically, there are better people and places for you. We can also look at it from different perspective. For example, your s/o (currently ex) broke up with you, so you’re feeling hurt and rejected. However, while being in relationship with them, you were withholding from relationship long before the break up, so now with that «rejection» you have freed yourself.

Prompts: Am I working with or against my environment? What is the purpose of my present solitude?

Pile 2 👁️

Third eye chakra - Forgiveness

The card «Forgiveness» is pretty straightforward, it means that you need to forgive people, let go of the situation NOT for the sake of those people/situations but for the sake of your own happiness. On the other hand, you might need to forgive yourself for loving or being attached to people/situations that hurt you. For some of you it might apply to a family member, who’s abusive. Having unhealthy relationship with that family member will make you look for other people who are just as abusive. Once you learn your behaviour patterns and heal them you’ll we able to live freely without constantly being surrounded by people who you need to forgive.

Prompt: Can I forgive people who hurt me?

Pile 3 🗣️

Throat chakra - Bittersweet

The card says that you need to be mature enough to understand that when you gain something big you also lose something. For example, you got your dream car but now you have to spend money on oil, gas, insurance and so on. You need to work on that maturity when it comes to changes, if you lose something don’t trap yourself in pain. Instead try to find something positive about.

Prompt: Can I see the strength in the choices of others?

Pile 4 👶

Sacral chakra - Perseverance

If you’re feeling closed off, insecure or anxious about your actions then you need to work on your sacral chakra. The card «Perseverance» means that you shouldn’t give up because what you work towards will appear in your life sooner or later. You should overcome your doubts and move forward.

Prompts: Will I let go of fear, and persevere? Can I ignore the feelings that would sidetrack me?

Pile 5 🪢

Root chakra - Perfection

Are you perhaps too hard on yourself? Constantly expecting 10/10 performance from yourself? If that’s the case then you need to work on your root chakra. You might have raised the standards for yourself, and consequently for others. Which can be the reason foe avoidance (either from you or from other people). Allow yourself to be imperfect and vulnerable so you could build better connections with people around you.

Prompt: Where am I presently focusing?

Pile 6 🫀

Heart chakra - Victim

If you tend to blame others for your losses or deluding yourself then you need to work on your heart chakra. You need to ground yourself in personal responsibility, don’t make excuses, because excuses are based of fear. Instead find what’s true in your heart and act on that.

Prompts: How are my actions connected to my inability to create breakthroughs? Am I willing to make new choices in order to grow?

Pile 7 💅

Solar plexus chakra - Enlightenment

The card advices you to face your fears, because that will make you stronger. You have all the answers you need and the path you seek is the one you’re already on.

Prompt: How can I use my thoughts to heal myself?

#pac reading #pick a card reading #pick a card #pick a pile #tarot #tarot reading #pick a picture #chakras #heart chakra #root chakra #solar plexus chakra #crown chakra #third eye #throat chakra #oracle

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sweetangelbarbie · 1 month ago

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Cg! Jayce x kitten regressor! Viktor headcannons!!

(ᵘﻌᵘ)

🐾ohhh kitten baby Viktor, sweet baby kitty ohhhhh

🌸Viktor’s regression is complicated… I mean who’s isn’t. He never really had a word for what would happen to his brain. He’d be working fine one day, cognitive function at top performance. And yet the next, in pain and feeling tiny. His brain foggy and fuzzy. The only thing he’d want to to is curl up in bed, his blankie wrapped tightly around him. He was…ashamed of feeling this way :(. Feeling like more of a burden than he already did. When his mind slips he can’t even work, loosing precious time he didn’t have.

🌸but Jayce changes all of this. The first time Viktor regresses is when they were working long hours at the lab. The lack of movement was causing his bad leg to cramp, pain shooting up to his hip and spine. He couldn’t quit working, especially with the time crunch they were on, and what would Jayce think of him quitting before a breakthrough…

He was so close to perfecting hextech. Jayce can wallop around at any council party and flaunt around at his big boy job. Yet he was still here in the lab. His creation had to be perfect, Viktor’s body was decaying, his mind regressing. But hextech. Hextech could be everything. His pain was only worsening when Jayce came back in.

“I- how long have you been in here?” The tan man questioned, begrudgingly pulling Viktors focus.

“I’m working Jayce…I eh..don’t have time.” He finally pulled away from the machinery he was working on, groaning and rubbing at the skin around his brace. His mind was getting foggy, his mind on the verge of slipping.

“Vik… I can tell you’re tired. Maybe a break?” Jayce tried, walking closer to him. “No.” Viktor shut him down. “This needs to be perfect. It is… hm.. vital that this happens.” His accent was thickening, forgetting words in English was common when he was little.

“I can tell you’re not feeling well..” Jayce tried again. Viktor wanted to give in, maybe let Jayce see this ugly part of him.

“Don’t…” Viktor placed the wrench he was holding onto the desk, avoiding the bigger man’s eyes.

“I just want to help… I know how hard it’s been for you lately…” he placed a warm comforting hand on the smaller man’s shoulder, causing him to flinch and falter away. Jayce frowned recoiling away.

“Viktor I didn’t-”

“Go.”

“Please I just.”

“Go!” He hissed Jayce only stepped forward. Viktor stumbling to grab his cane. His leg gave out before he could stabilize himself, slipping onto the floor. Jayce was down by his side in less than a second. Viktor whined and curled up.

“Viktor…”

“No…” he whined again. It sounded childish and sad.

“Let me in… I just want to help you.” He helped the struggling man up to his knees. It reminded Jayce of a fledgling bird.

“I think you should go…” Viktor said, slurring his words lightly. His rich brown hair falling into his eyes. “Viktor…” Jayce’s words were warm, causing Viktor to give in.

“‘M tiny…” he whined

Jayce blinked, a little surprised at the fragility of his words, but it was Viktor… no matter how awful the pale man thought of himself, he always thought his mind, him, was perfect.

“Oh Viktor….” Jayce says quietly, pulling him in. Viktor melted immediately, snuggling close to him. Whining yet again, he felt warm and safe. Jayce gently rubbed his back. “Tatí…” Viktor mumbled into his shoulder. Jayce’s brows furrowed.

“Poor baby…” Jayce says quietly rubbing his back, it only made him feel tinier. Viktor hummed lowly, it sounded like a poor kitten. It made Jayce chuckle warmly. Viktor pulled away lightly, feeling shy.

“Oh, no it’s okay.” Jayce tried to reassure him. Viktor blinked at him with his big wet eyes, his hand on his mouth.

“It’s okay viky… how about I get you home.”

Viktor made no complaints as he picked him up. Only wiggling lightly.

🌸Since that day in the lab Jayce was fascinated with Viktor’s regression. He loves finally being able to take care of Viktor.

🌸Viktor is often in kittenspace near bedtime, when All the stress of the day catches up to him. All he wants to do is curl up with his blankie and and daddy. Viktor curls up on Jayce’s lap and does that low humming that sounds like purring.

• “hi kitten” Jayce says warmly as Viktor crawls into his lap, already in his jammies. Viktor babbles softly nestling in, soon he starts kneading into Jayce’s thigh. Jayce smiles happily, knowing that if he moved the wrong way Viktor would move off.

🌸All Viktor really needs is his blankie, and his fluffy ball he likes to bat around, and his sweet milk, oh! And Jayce.

🌸Viktor loves milk! All kitty’s do but especially him :3. Even before learning about his regression Jayce just thought that maybe the reason Viktor loved milk so much because he never really got any when he was little. But now he can give Viktor all the sweet milk he wants.

•it was near bedtime when Viktor had regressed. Feeling tiny Viktor was already curled up in bed, kneading into his blankie. Jayce smiled when he entered the bedroom, a bottle of sweet milk already warmed up.

“Kitty…” Jayce says quietly not wanting to spook him. Viktor was sensitive, as much as he tried to convince him that his regression wasn’t a bother to him, he still was skiddish. Viktor perked up, looking at him with his big wet eyes mewing softly. Jayce chuckled walking over and sitting down.

“Come over kitten, I have a bottle.” He persuades him over “spspsp..” he calls him over making Viktor gently crawl over and into his lap. The larger man’s hand rubs his back gently. Viktor paws at him wanting the bottle.

“Slow down baby.” He says smiling pushing the bottle into the smaller man’s lips. “Baby Kitty, sweet baby kitten.” He coos. He smiles even more when Viktor starts to knead against him. The bigger man is relishing at being able to hold and protect him.

🌸Viktor bites and nips, weather if he’s fussy or happy. Jayce’s fingers always end up being nibbled on.

•”ow Viktor stop.” Jayce winces as Viktor’s sharp teeth nibble on his finger. All Viktor does is smile lightly, like he did it on purpose.

🌸Viktor isn’t the most verbal when he’s regressed, but Jay has been around him long enough to pick up on some signs. But even then sometimes he’s a little lost.

•Viktor paws at him mewing.

“What Vik?” Viktor just mews

Jayce chuckles “you know I don’t know what that means.” Viktor whines and paws at him.

“You want to play? Milk? A change?” He sighs when Viktor paws at him again, a light smile on his lips. “Okay you’re just messing with me” he chuckles, smoothing out his brown hair making him wiggle.

🌸when viktor has a flair up Jayce situates all the pillows around him, give him his meds, and massages his sore leg. Jay’s massages always make him feel tiny. He’ll be with Viktor through all his cat naps, stroking his hair lovingly.

🌸Viktor likes to nap in the sun. The warmth feels good for his sore joints. Jay will help take his leg brace off so it doesn’t get too warm on his sensitive skin.

🌸sometimes he gets scared. Remembering the doctor, the mines, his mother and father. He ends up hiding under the bed or in the closet. It takes Jayce a long time trying to coerce him out. Promising him treats and cuddles if he came out. Sometimes it didn’t work, Viktor hissing when Jayce’s hand comes too close. He’ll take a few kitten nips if it ment helping his partner.

•”Amore I know you’re scared, but daddy just wants to make sure you’re alright.” He tries to reach his hand to soothe Viktor. Only making Vik nip at his hand. “Ow! Sorry, sorry.” He recoils his hand.

“Come on Viky… you can have a treat, or cuddles. Come on Amore…Kitten…” he pleads, Viktor hisses “no.”

“Okay, okay….but I’m just gonna sit here until you come out.”

Eventually Viktor crawls out, nuzzling his head against Jayce’s arm. “Oh, look who decided to show up” he pouts. Viktor mews at him and continues to rub his face against him. Jay simply sighs pulling him into his lap. “Ohhh my fussy baby”

🌸it’s only rarely that Viktor is padded. Only when he’s really sick, or in babyspace. Jay doesn’t have a problem, in fact he thinks it makes him cuter. Hehe and whenever he pats Vik’s behind it slightly lifts just like a cat.

🌸onetime Jayce got Viktor a cat ear headband. He found it embarrassing whenever Jayce first put it on him, flinging it off of his head.

“Not funny.” He hissed “but it’s sooo cute…you’ll love it”

Then one day when Viktor was in kittenspace and pawing around a toy mouse across the carpet he noticed the kitten headband on his head and lost it, hugging him and kissing him.

“My kitty” he smiles kissing the side of his face all while Vik tried to push him off meowing and hissing.

🌸I love Kitty Viktor 🐈👹

Hehe yay!!! Kittyyyy hehe Yayy!!

Thank you for all the love on my last headcanons! Feel free to request for headcanons or a oneshot!

#jayce x viktor #jayvik #agere writing #agere headcanons #arcane agere #arcane #kitty write 🐈#kitten regression #sfw petre #petre #pet regression #sfw agere #sfw interaction only #viktor arcane #jayce talis #fandom agere #little #age regression

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multiverse-sya · 2 months ago

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Some stuff on how I was before I really 'awakened':

I managed to catch up with an old friend and it made me realize a few things. It's funny how little things seem to have changed from my teenager years ~15 years ago, despite all of the breakthroughs that I went through since then with this state of being. I was good friends with someone at the time, before I knew anything about nonhumanity, kinity and the like. Despite it all, I'm some how the same person with the same personality, likes and dislikes as back then. Before I caught up with my old friend, I expected myself to be so completely aloof and different because of how differently I perceive myself now. Because now, I fully know and acknowledge that I'm an entity masquerading as a human. To my surprise, I don't behave that much differently since the time I was a teenager, despite all of these situations (excluding the current horrors of being an adult now-that one is new. I am much more tired with life now.)

Back then, I thought I was just a normal human, even though I've always had animalistic, feral tendencies. I felt like I wasn't human and despised being one, but I just ignored it. But fast forward to the present, and despite being so blindly oblivious to my sapient alien roots even when I was 15 years old, I still feel like the same exact person. Even if I didn't know I was just performing humanity as a disguised alien creature when I was a teenager because I completely forgot about it. I now have a completely different philosophical and spiritual understanding of the universe around me that differs from what I was taught in christian religion, and I do view human culture differently now than I used to before I entered my 20s, but I still treat the other humans I've already known back then the same way as I did before my awakening to this. I guess it's just that treat myself differently, even though I am always hiding it from others.

I used to feel like I was part of humanity. I thought there was no alternative to it (haha). It's in the same way an animal imprints on an adopted mother of a different species, despite never having been that species in the first place. And now I just feel nonhuman at all, because I feel like I am 'allowed' to do that and that it's possible to do so. I hated it when I was called a human back in my childhood, and was told that's the truth. I was just never content with that. I know for a fact that I would have called myself a cheetah therian back then, but now I believe it to be some sort of anteatype, and some sort of vague-heart type. I still see myself in them, without identifying or feeling like one. (I used to think I was a wolf therian, but that 'type is clearly an anteatype now. It's just completely gone.)

I know that the old discourse over whether or not you were 'valid' if you weren't born as your 'type is dumb and insignificant in day to day life. But when I look back in hindsight, a lot of my sapient alien instincts and memories were already there, they were just greatly overshadowed because I had no basis to really compare it to up until I actually looked into the source and did the research. The stylistic artwork of the media/source threw me off as well at first, so I never really considered being that species until I compared my phantom shifts to them and went, "Oh fuck."

I also experience the same sort of painful, nostalgic feelings for my old brethren from my other lifetime as I do with human friends from this lifetime. The same protectiveness, the same melancholy and sadness for not seeing them for so long, for one reason or another. I even felt this way towards kids my age that I didn't know well when I was very young, whenever I didn't know if I'd see them again, even if we met just once. Evidently, I still get it, but it was much worse in my first decade of life here. Exotrauma is a bitch. I lost many friends back then and will leave it at that.

Sometimes, I do wish to talk to my friends the same way I did back then. Like clasping a hand on a shoulder, heavy with respect, and calling them my brother, sister or friend. It's another interesting bleed over. I know alterhumans often talk about not being able to befriend humans. But despite being so very nonhuman, I'm able to befriend them just fine. I may not tell them about my exogeiny bullshit, but that's ok, even if I want to tell them sometimes. Maybe one day. Most of the people I befriend are orthohumans (or assumed to be one). The reason why I befriend so many is just because there's more of them out there in different spaces. And I only talk to one alterhuman on a regular daily basis. Yeah, it would be nice to have an alterhuman friend irl, but it is what it is.

#i do have a few online friends who have very alterhuman-like experiences but i don't feel like dropping it all on them #otherkin #alterhuman #alienkin #nonhuman #my posts #exogeiny bs #exogeiny babbling #my post #i didn't mean to swear so many times in this post sorry #but it is my post #i have more thoughts on the whole losing friends thing but i will not elaborate

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cherrylng · 1 month ago

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Muse interview - Matthew Bellamy [CROSSBEAT (May 2001)]

“The result of pushing your body to the limit using your emotions, some people might see that as ‘pain’, but for me it's like the ‘ultimate sex’.”

Breaking news! The new album is even more powerful and dramatic than before! We caught exclusive access to Muse, Matthew Bellamy, who is about to make a global breakthrough, in Manchester!

Interview: Akiko Mima / Assistance: Yuko Kubota

Just how deep down does this band go? Listening to Muse's new album, ‘Origin of Symmetry’ (out in Japan on June 6th), which has just been completed, I even felt a sense of dread. Since their debut album ‘Showbiz’, they have been outstanding with their technique and sense of style, but this new album has an “air” of dignity about it.

Hot, intense, and dramatic. Just when you think you've heard the most aggressive, bold guitar sound, the next moment a beautiful, heart-wrenching, and sad melody is played. The two extremes of emotion within me are rushing in at the same time, and I'm confused. But being at the mercy of this overwhelming sound is a pleasure!

The band's sound has broadened even further, as they have cleverly incorporated the dynamism they have developed in their live shows, while also taking on more sedate blues numbers and progressive epics. This album is sure to be Muse's breakthrough, far surpassing their first album. All the shows on this UK tour were sold out (!) before the album's release. This shows how much people are expecting Muse and want to hear their music, and it's the same for me. Undeterred, I flew to Manchester.

On April 6th, a cold, drizzly day, the 2,000 capacity venue is packed to capacity and the atmosphere is electric. We wanted to be in front of the audience for tonight's show, which also featured numbers from the new album! I waded through the crowd, but the density at the front was so great that I was exhausted. Muse is also known for having a lot of male fans.

The band opened with “Micro Cuts”, a number from the new album, with a roaring guitar. The dynamic sound pressure, which was hard to believe that it was just the three of them, immediately got the audience excited. I was caught up in the swirling mosh pit, and suddenly my vision was blurred. Eventually, my head was spinning so much that I couldn't even stand up…… I was out of oxygen! I rushed out and sat down in a heap.

It was a frightening rush. There was a big chorus of familiar numbers such as “Unintended”, stage dives at various points, Matthew playing the keyboards to thunderous applause, and the excitement rose to the sky. When the intro to the latest single, “Plug In Baby” began, the crowd roared and the live performance went into its climax. Naturally, the chorus was sung in unison by the entire audience. At that moment, an intense catharsis akin to an explosion came over my mind and body. It was the best. In the end, half of the entire set that day was from the new album, but the audience's enthusiasm was great on average. This is also a skill that can only be achieved with solid performance skills and the attraction of the performance. Good live show, good album, and a great band. Add to that the momentum of the ‘season’ and Muse now seem almost invincible. How does frontman Matthew Bellamy see the situation? In this first part of a two-part long interview, we focus on the band's live shows and their brand new album.

The show was great! I heard the whole tour is sold out. 「I'm just so happy. Especially in the early days, there were hardly any people coming. The audience was all students of our generation or older. But recently we've had a lot of younger people come, and the audience has expanded, so it's been fun.」

You played eight songs from the new album right away, all of which were suitable for live performances. 「We were conscious of that in some ways. There are more songs on the album that have a different vibe. Of course, the album and the stage are naturally different. But we certainly made the songs with an awareness of the live feel that we could recreate with just three people.」

I've listened to that album too! It's amazing, isn't it? The quality and scale of the songs are much better. Some of the songs had already been performed live when you came to Japan last year, so it seems that the songwriting process went pretty smoothly, but what was the most difficult part of the process? 「Deciding how to manage the equipment and how to record was difficult. There were so many options. We ended up mostly with a simple three-piece band format, because we got confused with too many instruments and equipment. “Megalomania” and “Space Dementia” are masterpieces that I put my heart into, so I had a hard time finding a good form to reproduce with just three people. Especially because most of them were made with piano, and the harmonies were quite complicated.」

Yeah, yeah. This time around, you've tried something new in terms of sound-making, actively incorporating synths, piano, and strings. Is this because you don't want to stick to being a three-piece rock band, but want to broaden the scope of your sound? 「We want to break the limits of a three-piece band. Especially when I write songs, I do it half piano, half guitar, so I'm trying to incorporate that into the album somehow. Of course, I love bands like Ben Folds Five, but I want to show that a three-piece doesn't necessarily have to be guitar-oriented.」

What do you think is the difference between your first album and the new one? 「Well, I think it's that we're more confident. We've become more sure of our skills as musicians. Overall, we sound more like a three-piece band.」

The combination of the intense guitar sound and your emotional vocals on “Bliss,” “Space Dementia,” “Plug in Baby,” etc. is impressive. What is it that drives you to feel such intense emotions? 「Maybe it's that…… Uh, what was it again (laughs)…… Ah, yes. I think people today have a vague fear that "something is wrong with humanity", compared to people in the past. They have a premonition that in another 100 or 200 years there will be fatal environmental destruction and disasters, don't they? Young people are using all kinds of things as a medium to connect with other people in such circumstances. I also have the feeling that "I need to be more connected to the world," and I think that's what drives me. I'm not very good at conveying messages, but one thing I can say is that using too many words can be intimidating. So I'd rather inspire with music than with words. I want to make people aware of the connections between people through music.」

But usually, artists want to express “themselves” first, don't they? Is that not quite the same thing? 「I don't think I can give you a clear answer, but the band name “Muse” was originally chosen with the intention of inspiring people to do creative things…… probably (laughs). For me, music is a way to express things that I can't express in my daily life.」

What did you want to achieve with this album? 「Well, I didn't have any complicated ideas. I just wanted to make life a bit better (laughs). I also wanted to make an album that was better than my last one, that's about it. There's no big concept, it's just about constantly expanding our knowledge of what's going on around us. Especially making this album, I learnt a lot about music and myself. I also learned a lot from touring and meeting new people. I just want to keep absorbing information.」

The vibrant and dynamic sound of the new album is the result of your repeated live performances. Muse is a band that places great importance on live performances, but what does the stage mean to you? 「It's a place where I can feel myself as I am. It's also nice to be able to show that side of myself to a lot of people. Especially when you live in a city surrounded by a lot of people, you tend to become closed off, don't you? So it's fun to be able to expose myself freely on stage. Especially when you have friends near the stage, you can be more honest with yourself. I think everyone does something similar in their own way.」

“I'm not very good at conveying messages, but one thing I can say is that I think using too many words can be intimidating, and I'd rather inspire people with music than words. I want to make people aware of the connections between people through music.”

Yes. I also think that Muse's music is characterised by ‘strange contrasts’. Movement and stillness, hope and despair, light and shadow, heat and cold coexist in one song. When you write songs, are you always aware that there are two sides to things, or multiple sides? 「Maybe I am. I don't know if it's completely conscious or not. At least not intentionally. But I do think life is always about finding a compromise between extremes. Anyway, for me, if I've been playing, say, mellow songs for a while, I have to suddenly explode and play something heavy. Sometimes I mix mellow and heavy in the same song. If you keep doing the same thing, you get bored of it.」

I see. And one more thing. I think there is always ‘pain’ behind the intensity of Muse's music. 「That's not ‘pain’, it's me in an extreme state. Otherwise, it's the result of pushing my body to the limit using my emotions. Some people might see it as ‘pain’, but for me it's the greatest pleasure. Well, it's not so much pleasure as it is a great emotion. I can't explain it well. No, I can say it, but it's embarrassing. For example, let's say I'm having the ultimate sex (laughs). It's the greatest pleasure, but if a child who doesn't understand sex sees it, it will only appear as pain. For me, what is expressed in music is an extreme state that I can enjoy.」

Yeah, yeah (laughs). Even in the composition of the songs, many of them start off gently, but then change key and become hard. Is this also an attempt to express that kind of worldview? 「I don't know. It's just a quirk, isn't it? (laughs). I suppose it's definitely something inside me. In the end, I'm making a sound that I find interesting, and that sound is somewhere between calm and extreme.」

Well, you go from calm to angry quite often, don't you (laughs). Maybe that's the case for you too. 「Yes, of course, there are times when I feel limited by my physical condition or social situation. But I don't know the specific cause. I'll have to think about it next time (laughs).」

Looking back at when you started making music, how do you think you've changed as a songwriter? 「Hmmm. I think I'm gradually becoming more open than before. I'm no longer ashamed of being honest. In the beginning, I was worried about whether what I was sending out was reaching listeners in a meaningful way, but now I'm more satisfied with myself as I am.」

Now that we are saturated with various technologies and methodologies, the concept of ‘rock’ is also changing, isn't it? Radiohead are a band who have found a new way forward for rock by dismantling the conventions of rock, what do you think of their methodology? 「In the end, we're all human beings. Some people use music as a tool to communicate their thoughts. But it doesn't matter what technology, equipment, or style you use to communicate. What is important is the emotion put into the music. Humans create many different styles. Not only music, but also religions are very diverse. But the reality is that various cultures are being integrated all over the world right now, so classifications are becoming less and less meaningful. Whether you're a Christian or a Hindu, you want the same thing, and so is music. Even if a band's style of music suddenly changes, you have to understand that it's still the same people who are making it.」

As for Muse, are you aiming to create a sound that will be ahead of its time? 「(laughs) That's something I'm still too afraid to talk about. Hehehe.」

Or is it always the individual listener that you are aiming for? 「Yes. I want to value the individual. I just want to keep making good music, but I don't want to be famous for it. In any case, if any band said something as pretentious as wanting to create a breakthrough sound, they'll be ridiculed by their listeners.」

Hahaha. But artists are all about being “new”, aren't they? Rather than tradition, you want to keep evolving. 「I think the “new” is just a collection of old things, put together and recreated in the modern age. Tomorrow, a new pianist might emerge and people might say that “their style is innovative,” but in fact it's a style that's been used for hundreds of years. Of course, it's important to keep learning new things to feed yourself. But I believe that there's nothing genuinely new. I think we're always just mixing things from the past. We're inheriting something that was ingrained in us thousands of years ago. If you try to trace it back, it's chaos, just chaos.」

Translator’s Note: There’s a part 2 to this, but I’ve also just scanned 4 magazines in one go, so I’m taking it slow for now.

Also, it never gets tiring to read Matt literally having said the word 'ultimate sex'. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Please do support me via my ko-fi! ☕

#Matt Bellamy #Muse #Muse band #Origin of Symmetry era #smol meerkat #my scan #translation #interview #CROSSBEAT #CROSSBEAT May 2001

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