#breakthrough pain and performance

[bthrough]

Back Pain Therapy Newcastle Specialists at Breakthrough Pain and Performance

Welcome to Breakthrough Pain and Performance, your gateway to relief from back pain in Newcastle. Our experienced therapists are here to guide you towards optimal health and well-being. Say goodbye to limitations and hello to a life free from the constraints of back pain. 

[breakthroughpain123]

Pain Relief Oasis: Premier Pain Management Clinic in Newcastle

Welcome to Breakthrough Pain and Performance, the foremost pain management clinic in Newcastle. Our dedicated team is committed to helping you reclaim your life from chronic pain. Using innovative techniques and personalized care plans, our Newcastle-based clinic offers comprehensive solutions tailored to your unique needs. 

[iwanthermidnightz]

When I think back on the Speak Now album, I get a lump in my throat. I have a feeling it will always be that way, because this period of time was so vibrantly aglow with the last light of the setting sun of my childhood. I made this album, completely self-written, between the ages of 18 and 20. I've spoken about how I feel like those ages are the most emotionally turbulent ones in a persons life. Maybe when I say that, I'm really just talking about myself.

I think they might just be the most idealistic, hopeful years too. At this point in my life, I had released my second album, Fearless. It became the breakthrough moment I'd always dreamt of, one that catapulted my career to new realms of success. It had brought with it a tidal wave of pressures and pitfalls and growing pains. All the while, I was encountering the milestones and checkpoints of normal teenage growth. I had cataclysmic crushes and brushes with heartache. I moved out of my parents' house and set my bags down in a new apartment. I hung photos on my own walls and decorated the space where I would sob and cackle and shatter and dream. Sometimes I felt like a grown up, but a lot of the time I just wanted to time travel back to my childhood bed, where my mom would read stories to me until I fell asleep.

In my darker moments, I was tormented by the doubt that swirled loudly around my ascent and my merits as an artist. I was trying to create a follow up to the most awarded country album in history, while staring directly into the face of intense criticism. I had been widely and publicly slammed for my singing voice and was first encountering the infuriating question that is unfortunately still lobbed at me to this day: does she really write her songs? Spoiler alert: I really, really do.

In the years since, I've developed a thicker skin about public criticism and the cynicism with which some people approach the music I make. At that time, it leveled me. I had these voices in my head telling me that I had the perfect chance and I blew it. I hadn’t been good enough. I had given it all I had and been found wanting.

I wanted to get better, to challenge myself, and to build on my skills as a writer, an artist, and a performer. I didn't want to just be handed respect and acceptance in my field. I wanted to earn it. To try and confront these demons, I underwent extensive vocal training and made a decision that would completely define this album: I decided I would write it entirely on my own. I figured, they couldn't give all the credit to my cowriters if there weren't any. But that posed a new challenge: It really had to be good. If it wasn't, I would be proving my critics right.

I had no idea how much this pain would shape me. That this was the beginning of my series of creative choices made by reacting to setbacks with defiance. That my stubbornness in the face of doubters and dissenters would become my coping mechanism through my entire career from that point forward. This exact pattern of enacting my own form of rebellion when I feel broken is exactly why you're reading these very words, and I'm re-releasing this album now.

I went through my first worldwide scandal (the mic grab seen around the world). I experienced the weirdness of trying to get to know a boy while a swarm of paparazzi surrounds the car. Media contacting my publicist for an official statement on why two teenagers broke up. These are weird experiences to have at any age, but even more surreal when you're 19.

I had the nagging sense that in the most intense moments of my life, I had frozen. I had said nothing publicly. I still don't know if it was out of instinct, not wanting to seem impolite, or just overwhelming fear. But I made sure to say it all in these songs. I decided to call the album Speak Now. It was a play on the speak now or forever hold your peace' moment in weddings, but for me it symbolized a chance to respond to the chatter and commentary around my own life.

Some of these emotional revelations were surprising to people. Some expected anger and instead got compassion and empathy with 'Innocent'. Some expected a kiss-off breakup song but instead got a hand-on-heart apology, 'Back to December. It was an album that was the most precious to me because of its vast extremes. It was unfiltered and potent. In my mind, the saddest song I've ever written is 'Last Kiss'. My most scathing is 'Dear John' and my most wistfully romantic is 'Enchanted'.

I'll be forever proud of setting a goal and seeing it through. I'lI always feel shivers all over when I remember singing 'Long Live' to close the show every night on tour. The outstretched hands of those bright and beautiful faces of the fans. Their support was like an open palm that reached out and helped me up off the ground when others were, frankly, mean.

These days I make my choices for those people, the ones who thought I had been good enough all along. I try to speak my mind when I feel strongly, in the moment I feel it. I'm still idealistic and earnest about the music I make, but I'm less crushed when people mock me for it. I know now that one of the bravest things a person can do is create something with unblinking sincerity, to put it all on the line. I still sometimes wish I was a little kid again in a tiny bed, before I ever grew up.

I always looked at this album as my album, and the lump in my throat expands to a quivering voice as I say this. Thanks to you, dear reader, it finally will be.

I consider this music to be, along with your faith in me, the best thing that's ever been mine.

Yours,

Taylor

[astrodice]

PAC: What chakra do you need to work on? (+ shadow work prompts)

Excuse my grammar/spelling mistakes if there's any 🥲

Pile 1 🧠

Crown chakra - Rejection 

If you feel like you don’t belong with certain places/people or like you’re not good enough then you need to work on your crown chakra. This pile is especially for those wha have experienced rejection. The simple message of the card says: «Rejection is redirection». Basically, there are better people and places for you. We can also look at it from different perspective. For example, your s/o (currently ex) broke up with you, so you’re feeling hurt and rejected. However, while being in relationship with them, you were withholding from relationship long before the break up, so now with that «rejection» you have freed yourself. 

Prompts: Am I working with or against my environment? What is the purpose of my present solitude?

Pile 2 👁️

Third eye chakra - Forgiveness 

The card «Forgiveness» is pretty straightforward, it means that you need to forgive people, let go of the situation NOT for the sake of those people/situations but for the sake of your own happiness.  On the other hand, you might need to forgive yourself for loving or being attached to people/situations that hurt you. For some of you it might apply to a family member, who’s abusive. Having unhealthy relationship with that family member will make you look for other people who are just as abusive. Once you learn your behaviour patterns and heal them you’ll we able to live freely without constantly being surrounded by people who you need to forgive. 

Prompt: Can I forgive people who hurt me?

Pile 3 🗣️

Throat chakra - Bittersweet 

The card says that you need to be mature enough to understand that when you gain something big you also lose something. For example, you got your dream car but now you have to spend money on oil, gas, insurance and so on. You need to work on that maturity when it comes to changes, if you lose something don’t trap yourself in pain. Instead try to find something positive about. 

Prompt: Can I see the strength in the choices of others?

Pile 4 👶

Sacral chakra - Perseverance  

If you’re feeling closed off, insecure or anxious about your actions then you need to work on your sacral chakra. The card «Perseverance» means that you shouldn’t give up because what you work towards will appear in your life sooner or later. You should overcome your doubts and move forward. 

Prompts: Will I let go of fear, and persevere? Can I ignore the feelings that would sidetrack me?

Pile 5 🪢

Root chakra - Perfection 

Are you perhaps too hard on yourself? Constantly expecting 10/10 performance from yourself? If that’s the case then you need to work on your root chakra. You might have raised the standards for yourself, and consequently for others. Which can be the reason foe avoidance (either from you or from other people). Allow yourself to be imperfect and vulnerable so you could build better connections with people around you. 

Prompt: Where am I presently focusing? 

Pile 6 🫀

Heart chakra - Victim 

If you tend to blame others for your losses or deluding yourself then you need to work on your heart chakra. You need to ground yourself in personal responsibility, don’t make excuses, because excuses are based of fear. Instead find what’s true in your heart and act on that. 

Prompts: How are my actions connected to my inability to create breakthroughs? Am I willing to make new choices in order to grow?

Pile 7 💅

Solar plexus chakra - Enlightenment 

The card advices you to face your fears, because that will make you stronger. You have all the answers you need and the path you seek is the one you’re already on. 

Prompt: How can I use my thoughts to heal myself?

[findmeinthefallair]

Because of the 30 pics limit, this can't fully fit into my meta lol. Yet in its own post, it's easier to see without distractions from other sections of the meta.

The foundational emotional beats of both their arcs are very similar in the finale. It's just that for Hunter, we only saw the first puzzle piece.

Luz feeling the pain of the absence of both her dad and Papa Titan (who gave her life and magic). Hunter feeling the absence of both Flapjack who brought him love and life, and on an arguably darker note, his father figure and primary caregiver Belos.

Look at the matching gestures:

It's the pain of bereavement.

Now check this out. Here's what's missing for Hunter...

Saying goodbye via a powerful and cathartic first attempt at a grief practice. His heart would have to be ready, though, not just his head. It would easily take months before he'd try this, and it's not a one-off thing he'll have to do. I feel that his therapist would help him towards readiness for this, and he could perform this for the first time as one of his biggest therapy breakthroughs:

2. It only makes sense that once he does his version of Luz releasing the glyph sheet above, his heart will have room for Waffles and significant progress not just in therapy, but also his palisman-carving lessons and progress in Hexside:

3. Waffles entering his life will be just so wonderful:

It's so cute to imagine Stringbean as an older sister to Waffles.

We saw Hunter experiencing the pain in all three specials,

but we didn't see his ensuing depression in full swing,

(I keep saying the following but...here goes: the closest to a glimpse that we get is this:)

and neither did we see the letting go/real goodbye, happening onscreen.

(when I look at the glyph sheet here, it makes me think of Willow showing Hunter the flyer derby photo of him and Flapjack in For the Future)

But yeah. Those would be the missing chapters before we arrive at these:

For #1 in the list above, there are a variety of practices that experts and therapists have come up with:

(Book: Bearing the Unbearable by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore) that could nudge the heart closer to the first - and possibly the most difficult - development, of accepting that Flapjack isn't coming back, and that all his hope for any goodness in Belos would have to die and be grieved as well. Luz letting go of the glyph sheet outside Eda's house was just the beginning of her own difficult journey of acknowledging that Manny and Papa Titan were gone.

Hunter had no palisman for many many months, before he carved Waffles. Compared to Luz who navigated her pre-epilogue chapters with Stringbean. He would have his own version of Luz's journey, which she outlines in the the four screenshots above this paragraph, before he mastered the skills to spend the rest of his life creating wonderful palismen for the people of the Boiling Isles. I think Luz's new chapter of going to further her studies at the University of Wild Magic, parallels Hunter's mastery of carving.

[bg3-npc]

Wyllstarion concept I can’t stop thinking about so I’m making you all suffer with me.

Post-game get together, the scenario involves Astarion not ascending and Wyll keeping his pact with Mizora. Wyll can chose any endgame path, I personally imagine his Duke ending. The party went their separate ways after defeating The Absolute, and at least a year has passed. There’s the setup, here’s the concept causing me brain damage:

Wyll and Astarion reconnect in some way. Despite the dire circumstances, they enjoyed each other's company during their adventure. Astarion is recovering, enjoying his freedom while trying to figure out what ‘being good’ means to him. He’s experienced many things since the party's victory and seems to be steadily improving on all fronts. Wyll has been doing whatever duties come with his chosen title and doesn’t seem different. He almost seems entirely unchanged, but the more Astarion is around him he feels like something is off.

Astarion pays closer attention and notices small differences he hadn’t before. Wyll looks haggard, he fidgets and blinks constantly like he’s trying to keep himself awake all the time. He’ll lose focus and zone out so badly he won’t respond when Astarion calls his name. When Wyll doesn’t have a day full of tasks, he’s restless and almost seems to panic. He will return from missions more hurt than someone his skill level should. He struggles to concentrate during conversation, especially when it’s not centered around his responsibilities. Wyll also never drops his persona, even when the two are alone. He performs his part, but it seems more exaggerated and forced than when they first met. Whenever they’re together, Astarion never actually feels like “Wyll” is there.

A normal, everyday interaction provides an explanation for Wyll’s strange new presence. Someone starts calling Wyll’s name to get his attention. Astarion notices the person immediately, but Wyll doesn’t. After a few failed attempts, they call Wyll by his title. That method finally gets Wyll’s attention, and he’s seemingly oblivious to the previous attempts. Seeing this recurring phenomenon from a third-party perspective gives Astarion the insight he’d been missing.

Wyll reflexively, and almost exclusively, talks in the third person now. Only ever talking and presenting as his title. He will give his input on a matter, but only what’s necessary and doesn’t reveal anything about himself. He hasn’t formed any new connections or relationships since they departed, and any he has are friendly but essentially professional. Wyll is never off duty and ensures he always has some quest to complete. He’s never idle or relaxed, keeping his mind and body occupied at all times.

The issues that plagued Wyll before and during their party's journey never got resolved. He wasn’t managing well before, and by the end of everything his suffering had only increased. His situation has not improved since and the toll of everything that’s happened is becoming intolerable. Wyll refuses to acknowledge his pain but it’s overwhelming him nonetheless. He sees no end to his misery and feels helpless to stop it. In a desperate attempt to regain some feeling of control over his life, Wyll’s removed himself from it entirely. He doesn’t have to address what’s affecting his life if he’s not living it. Wyll’s abandoned his name and latched onto the identity of his title. The reason Astarion never feels like “Wyll” is with him is because he no longer sees himself as “Wyll”.

Astarion avoided asking Wyll about his pact with Mizora, but this breakthrough compels him to broach the subject. Wyll tells him he feels it’s best for everyone if he doesn’t break it, and he has resigned himself to a fate in the Hells. He truly believes it’s the right thing to do and disregards his feelings about it. He will do his duty to the people, and he will convince everyone he’s okay. He wants to convince himself he’s okay.

Wyll is doing all he can to avoid and deny any of his trauma, but his coping strategies aren't working. He's still doing heroics for the right reasons, but now they've also become a distraction. He’s even begun to use them as a form of self-harm, his reckless selflessness verging on suicidal. Ignoring the issue doesn’t resolve it, and Wyll is completely unaware he’s nearing a breaking point. Astarion has no idea what reaching it will do, but he refuses to let that happen. He cares for Wyll and dedicates himself to pulling his friend back from the edge. Astarion will help him regain his sense of self by any means necessary. Wyll is going to fight him the entire time, but Astarion has had 200 plus years to perfect stubbornness. Wyll has the capability to save his soul, save himself, but he needs someone to show him he’s worth saving.

Aaaaand from there the plot varies and mostly depends on how much suffering I want to put these two through. The amount of psychic damage I cause myself with this setup also varies day to day.

[vintageshanny]

Elvis Top Three - 1950s Songs

Hello my sweet Elvis friends! The question this week is…what are your top 3 Elvis songs from the 50s? (This to me would include anything recorded in the 50s, even if it wasn’t released until later). This one was SO much harder than I thought it would be. As I looked through The Complete 50s Masters to help me decide on my top three, I was just astounded at the sheer number of great songs he recorded in such a short time span. This man was truly legendary (as if you all didn’t know).

As always, this list could change tomorrow (or in an hour), but here are my top three in this moment:

One Night – Elvis gives such a soulful, sexy rendition of this song; I can’t even tell you how much I love his vocals on this. I also love the story behind the song. The record label felt the original lyrics were too suggestive, but Elvis loved the song so much he played around with it and came up with new lyrics that allowed him to release it as a single. When he performed it at the Comeback Special, you can see how he sort of surprised himself by slipping back into the original lyrics. This is one of those songs you could tell he really enjoyed performing. His passion when he sings this just makes me feel some kind of way.

Heartbreak Hotel – This one is just classic. It was definitely his breakthrough song for a reason. The haunting, hiccup-y vocal, the bluesy piano riff, the lyrics…this to me was just so different from other rock n’ roll stuff. I think it really set him apart. And I love his really bluesy live versions of this later on.

Don’t – I’ve just been kind of obsessed with this one lately. I think the lyrics are sweet (“This you can believe, I will never leave you” – swoon), and this man could just sing a ballad like no one else. His voice makes me feel safe. It is really just perfection.

Runner-ups: It was just painful how many I could not include. Some others up for consideration were Just Because, That’s All Right, Shake Rattle and Roll, Any Way You Want Me, Tomorrow Night, Trying To Get To You, Anyplace is Paradise, Milkcow Blues Boogie…I could go on forever! ❤️

Please share your favorite Elvis songs from the 50s! Anyone join in the fun! 😘

@whositmcwhatsit @be-my-ally @thatbanditqueen @ellie-24 @vintagepresley @lookingforrainbows @prompted-wordsmith @flwrs4aust @iloveelvis @argeriant18 @loving-elvis @alienelvisobsession @ab4eva @manebioniclegali @deke-rivers-1957 @rjmartin11 @elvisalltheway101 @satninroses @doll-elvis @devilsflowerr @missmaywemeetagain @troubleinapinksuit @cryingabtab @generoustreemystic @samfangirls @animalloverthingsss @velvetelvis @everythingelvispresley @arrolyn1114 @claire-elvisgirl @kendralavon7 @vintage-leisure @blighted-star @queenncreole @basicpresleygirl @lllsaslll @elvissbabygirl @powerofelvis @ashtag6887 @sissylittlefeather @dkayfixates @peskybedtime @lettersfromvenus @burnthheparaphilia @thetaoofzoe

[where-theres-smoak-2]

The Artful Dodger Spoilers!

So I may have rewatched the artful dodger a few times, ok so it may have been an unhealthy amount of times and I may have a slight obsession but the show is just too good and dodgerfox has a hold over me.

But anyway on my most recent rewatch something struck me and I just love how poetic it was that Jack finds the solution to saving Belle's life in a noose.

Like Jack is someone who has always had this threat of the hangman's noose hanging over him. When he was a child he was a pickpocket and there was always that danger of getting caught, now he's an escaped convict and if anyone finds out he'll be hung. This is something that is established in the show from the first episode with the scene where Jack watches a man who is an escaped convict hang. Throughout the series the hangman's noose continues to be this looming threat over Jack and is brought up consistently, like when they go to Tim and say 'the noose is upon us' and there are other instances were the characters talk about the danger of them being hanged.

Then you have that scene with jack after he and belle have failed to do the surgery on the cadaver, the woman he loves is dying and it seems like there is no hope at all, then he looks out the window and sees the noose and that is what gives him the idea to tie the thread into a noose allowing him to have more control when tying the ligation. It gives him hope.

What I love the most about this moment is how it links back to the conversation Jack and Belle have in 1x02 when Belle tells him that there is more to medicine than just death, there's life, there's hope. I think Jack has struggled with how limited he has found medicine up until Belle came into his life. It's established right from episode 1 that Jack does care for his patients and when he loses a patient it effects him deeply. It also seems like due to the way the hospital is run and the limitations Jack has to work with, because the prof is ignoring all new progress in medicine, Jack loses patients alot and has come to frustratingly accept that its just part of medicine, nothing you can do about it.

But then Belle comes into his life and she starts introducing all these new, ground-breaking things to medicine, the ether, the carbolic acid, access to literature on medical breakthroughs from around the world. For Jack this opens up a whole new side of medicine for him, he is able to do procedures that just weren't possible before, like abdominal surgery. Before Belle an abdominal injury meant his patient was going to die, but now there was hope that they could be saved. As the series goes on we see Jack going from 'no that surgery is too much the patient will die from the pain, its not possible' to trying and succeeding at performing more and more difficult procedures in the hope that his patients will live and it works, charlie lives, rotty lives, the sailor is able to continue navigating. I think Belle very much becomes his hope.

Which is why for me that scene with the noose hits so hard. At the time when he feels like he is losing hope, literally in that he can't save Belle who has become his hope, it is something that Jack associates with death, with the finality of death, that gives him hope that he can save Belle. It's just such a beautiful scene, even in the way that it is shot, the way they use light in this scene is just perfect. How when he first looks out the window and sees the noose and he turns around to look back at the heart he is experimenting on, sunlight just floods through the window. How when Jack is tying the thread into the noose and the sun has lit him up all golden. Also how when Jack holds them up side by side and we get the close up of first the hangman's noose and then the thread and the thread is again lit by the sun and seems to be glowing with a golden light. It was all just so well done.

I really do think its such an under-rated moment. Anyway I think I've rambled on enough now.

[strawbearytae]

maniac pt.2: 100%

ex boyfriend!jjk x reader

genre: angst ft. Fluff

word count: 6.1 k

warning: drunk! jk, y/n cries a lot, Conan Gray songs (I like him don’t come at me), mentions of sexual themes, language (as always), slightly annoying plot but I got in THE FEELS™️ okay????

synopsis: a mutual breakup from your long term boyfriend leaves you inevitably devastated, but a unexpected collaboration may just be the breakthrough the two of you needed.

read part 1

“Fuck you.”

“That’s your job, love, not mine.”

🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶🎶

To say that Jeon Jeongguk avoided you after the… ordeal… was the biggest understatement of understatements. The man disappeared. One moment you could see him on campus out of the corner of your eyes, then the next second: poof he dematerialized.

You thought about texting him, demanding him to… to… to what? Apologize? You weren’t sure if that was what you wanted. You were, afterall, going to kiss him if he hadn’t kissed you first…

Fuck… He was like a drug. You grazed your lips lightly with the tips of your own fingers… It was as if you had been clean for 9 months of him and that one single taste, that one single brush of his tantalizing lips against your own got you hooked once again. You craved him.

So, it was more than a surprise for you when you walked into your favorite library on campus to see Jeongguk behind the counter. Even more so since there was a girl in front of him who was obviously flirting with the man. And the world seemed to fade around you when you realized that Jeongguk had welcomed the flirting.

You shouldn’t feel upset, betrayed, queasy or anything even remotely close to what you were feeling. You had broken up; he was free to be with whoever he wanted. Free to meet, flirt and date whoever and whenever he wanted.

But the stabbing feeling in your gut couldn’t be ignored.

When you read romance in books, they always described this feeling as someone stabbing in your heart. But why was that? Your heart felt fine. It was beating stronger and faster if anything. However, your gut, your stomach felt hollow. A clawing feeling from the inside made you want to vomit. It was as if your body was telling you that something was wrong. That the pain of betrayal was physically excruciating.

Not that you were betrayed.

You were his ex, nothing less… nothing more.

You glanced over your shoulder once more as you exited the library, Jeongguk was watching you with a raised brow. The girl tugged on his sleeve for his attention once she realized it fled, he indulged her.

You slipped out of there silently.

///

The demo went successfully though you were half-afraid that Jeongguk would not show up. He did, he just didn’t acknowledge your presence. The professors from the music department congratulated you and were excited to see your performance in the next month. Jeongguk ate it all up while you stood there as if you were stoned, eyes glazing over as you watched Jeongguk interact with them with natural ease.

It was sickening.

Every time the conversation went to you, he went silent, Jeongguk looked around the demo room with an expression of faux curiosity. He masked his obvious distaste for the topic, you would’ve been fooled if you hadn’t been so tuned into his emotions before. Jeongguk was a master at masking his feelings… when he wanted to be.

“Y/N.”

You whipped your head up to see all the professors looking at you expectantly, even Jeongguk looked at you with a slight frown, “Sorry… What was the question?”

Professor Shin smiled, “Oh no worries, Y/N! We were just wondering if you had anything in mind after graduation. But that’s of no matter!” She looked at Jeongguk then back at you before smiling, “You both have been working so hard! No wonder you’re a little out of it.” She stepped back, calling the hoard of professors to retreat, “We’ll be looking forward to your performance, Y/N and Jeongguk.”

An inevitable breath escaped your lips when the professors were a safe distance away from the demo room. “You good?”

You almost yelped at Jeongguk’s voice; you had forgotten he was even there.

“Yes.” You turned away to gather your things, “Hey about-“

“Y’know the-“ He started at the same time.

You both stopped, staring at each other, “You go.”

“No, it’s okay. You go.”

“No, it’s okay…”

“Okay well…” His hand went to the back of his neck, “About the night at your apartment, when we kissed… that was-“

“A mistake,” You blurted, steeling yourself, “It was a mistake.”

Jeongguk’s expression was blank, “Right. Yes. That was what I was going to say. A mistake.” He drawled, dropping his han, “A mistake.” He enunciated, emphasizing each syllable, “Nothing more.”

You let out the breath you were holding in, “E-exactly.”

“We make so many mistakes, don’t we?” Jeongguk laughed grimly, “The kiss, this project and…”

This relationship.

He didn’t say it, but the words echoed in your brain. It was a mistake, wasn’t it? To love someone, to continue loving someone even when they didn’t love you back? That’s the greatest mistake we can make, a clash between our hearts and our minds. You shouldn’t feel this way, but you did. You chose to.

The silence was deafening.

“I…” You grabbed your things, quickly shoving them into your bag, “I’ll see you at rehearsal.”

Jeongguk studied you through the hoods of his eyes, his expression tense with a kind of aristocratic rigidity, “Fine.”

“Fine.”

//

You saw Jeongguk with the girl from the library around campus.

Her arms were always around him; she was always touching him (not that you were looking). Her fingers were always playing with his hair or the strings of his hoodie. Her legs were always over his as she sat on his lap. Her lips were usually grazing his collarbone or against the shell of his ear.

Those were the moments you wanted to wretch her hands off of him.

She didn’t know him.

She didn’t know that Jeongguk hated it when his hair was touched, he preferred light tugs on the strands at the base of his neck or the fact that he hated uneven strings in his hoodie (he would immediately fix them if they were asymmetrical after she tugged them, making you smirk silently…(not that you were looking)). She didn’t know that his stomach got cold easily and preferred legs around his waist when sitting on his lap. She didn’t know that he was ticklish on his collarbones and ears, that he preferred forehead kisses and nose scrunches rather than whispered secrets.

She didn’t know him.

But he still smiled when he looked at her. The does eyes scrunched upwards into an expression you had seen so often that you memorized it.

And it chilled you. They say heartbreak and anger are one, they are hot like fire lapping at your skin as tears formed in the corners of your eyes. But that wasn’t true, you were cold. Everything felt cold and empty, the memories of the warm body next to you had transformed into only mist of him. A cold ghost of memory that caressed your mind ever so often with hands you wished to escape from.

He was looking at you now, your eyes made the smallest sliver of contact that you held onto like a lifeline.

He didn’t let go. You wished he did, you didn’t want to be caught overanalyzing this moment hours later. But he didn’t let go. He held your gaze.

So, you broke it.

//

“Y/NnNnnNNnnNnNnNNnnNnnnnnNnnn.” Taehyung whined as he flopped on top of your bed, which usually wouldn’t be a problem except for the fact that you were still in it, “Let’s go! You can’t just spend your 22nd birthday in bed!”

You let out a muffled groan at the additional weight that was piled on you suddenly, “I don’t want to…”

“Come onnnnnnnnn.” Taehyung pulled you by the arm, dragging you slowly out of your covers, “You haven’t moved at all since you woke up.”

“A perfect way to spend a birthday.”

“Nonsense.” Taehyung succeeded pulling you out of your mattress, he kneeled over your body flopped on the floor, “Wake uppppppppppppppppppppp.”

“Nooooooo.”

“Y/NNnnnNnNnNNNnNnnN.” Your roommate continued to fuss.

“No.”

“I’ll do the dishes for a week.”

You head snapped up, “And the laundry?”

“Now we’re going too far. This is your birthday if you didn’t remember.”

You crawled back toward the bed, “Bye then.”

“Three days!”

“Five.”

Taehyung let out a sound that was between a yell and groan, “Four days! Final offer!”

You smiled; you were already planning to go the first time he asked anyway.

///

You shouldn’t have come.

The music in the frat house was loud and the lights blinding, your eyes went spotty with splashes of neon pink against the black of your eyelids every time you blinked. Taehyung tried to keep you engaged, pulling you to the living room that doubled as a dance floor, the bar, the dance floor, the bar over and over again even though he knew that you didn’t drink on your birthday.

You shouldn’t have come.

You didn’t even initially decide to come to the house anyway, you and Taehyung had dressed up for the cinema 10 minutes away, but the movie was cancelled, and the McDonald’s ice cream machine was broken. The house was plan c and the one you were least looking forward to.

Everything was too loud and too heavy, the air thick with the smell of underage drinking and sex. What a horrible way to spend your birthday.

You shook your head as you watched Taehyung being practically carried away by a group of football players, how an eccentric art student like him was able to be friends with all groups of kids baffled you sometimes.

Left alone to your own devices, you picked up some punch (which you were about 75% sure was spiked with vodka) before making your way upstairs to take a nap or do whatever to make the time go by faster. Taehyung was the one who drove you but seeing how much he’s been drinking; it seems like you wouldn’t be going home tonight at all.

Wandering the halls alone in a frat house was admittedly not your best idea but the desire to get away from the stench motivated you to open several rooms and be exposed to encounters and asscracks you could’ve gone your whole life without seeing.

After seeing a particularly risque encounter (you didn’t know people could bend like that in handcuffs), you had pratically lost all hope for the beloved nap. Sighing as you fought the urge to bang your head against the closet door, you leaned the back of your head against it as you stared at nothing...until a flashing pink dot started to jump against the black of the hallway.

It was Jeongguk.

It was a terrified Jeongguk.

It was a terrified Jeongguk in hot pink running towards you.

You froze as his eyes brightened in realization as he made his way towards you; in a flash of hot pink, he grabbed your wrist before pulling you along with him into the door you were contemplating banging your head against.

“Jeonggu-”

He pressed the rough pad of his fingertip against your lip, fingers that were covered in small calluses from all the times he would play his guitar as you baked in the back, “Shhhhh.”

This was the closest you’d ever been to him since the kiss-that-shall-not-be-named. The room was barely lit with fragments of light leaking from the doorframe’s gaps which highlighted his focused face in sharp shades. You thought about the moonlight: how it had danced around him in the earliest of nights months ago with his eyes twinkling in delight from your midnight escapades. They turned those brown eyes into pure honey.

With his chest against yours and his head leaned over your own to press his ear against the shut door you were unable to hear beyond the steady beat of his heart that your ear was pressed against; his soft breaths caressed your forehead as he leant past you to survey the sounds outside the door. The only thing that broke the silence were the occasional mumbles and shrieks of drunken girls and the hitching of your own breath.

The periodic silence allowed you to observe the room you had been pulled into, though you found it to be less of a room than you’d originally given it credit for. The floor and lower shelves were crammed with an assortment of shoeboxes and hidden vodka, the upper half was littered with winter coats and even more vodka. Jeongguk, in his panic from running away from whatever he was, had pulled the two of you into a closet.

Jeon fucking Jeongguk was wearing a hot pink set pulled you, his ex, into a closet in a frat house on your birthday.

Could this situation get any fucking weirder?

The silence hung thick in the air until you finally felt him relax against you, ”What the fuck was that?”

“Shh!” He pressed his finger against your lips before you snatched them away.

“Answers. Now.”

Jeongguk frowned and looked around his surroundings for the first time since he had pulled you both in.

“Jeongguk.” You gritted your teeth, praying to whichever deity that he couldn’t feel how uncomfortably hot you were getting, “Explain.”

“I’m hiding.”

“I’m hoping so because there is no other reason that you and I should be in a closet together, especially when you have a girlfriend.” You snapped.

Jeongguk frown slightly twitched before dissolving into a masked smirk, “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“What-”

“We broke up two months ago. I’m hiding.”

Two months ago was your accident, not that it mattered. You filed that information in the back of your mind.

Your brows wrinkled at the recollection of the younger girl that had practically thrown herself against Jeongguk. She certainly did seem persistent but not someone Jeongguk couldn’t handle, “From her?”

“It seems that my charms are too addictive to some women.” His eyes flickered over to your own before he stepped back, allowing you to have your own inch of your personal bubble (thank you very much).

You pretended not to notice, “Why hot pink?”

“Why not?”

“You don’t wear hot pink.”

“And how would you know that?” He nearly sneered, “People change.”

“People change, they don’t transform.”

Jeongguk stayed silent for a moment as if he conceded, “It was a deal.” He grumbled, “Wear hot pink and she’d agreed to leave me alone.”

“Did it work?”

“Obviously not.”

You snorted and covered your mouth to stop the laughter that was escaping from your lips, “I’m sorry.” You wheezed, “But I can’t believe you fell for that trend.”

He raised a brow.

“True love in hot pink.” You wheezed between laughs.

Jeongguk’s face went blank before they went comically wide with realization, making you laugh even harder.

“Shut up! You’re going to get us caught!”

“’m sorry!” You wheezed, “Can’t elp it.”

At the noise of drunken singing (very off-key by the way), Jeongguk covered your mouth with his own palm and pushed his ear against the door, the sudden movement shocked you into silence. Jeongguk didn’t even seem to notice your laughter ceasing and only focused on the footsteps that barreled around your area, muffled female voices that were clearly looking for Jeongguk passed frequently around the closet.

Even though you didn’t do anything wrong, you trembled at the thought of being caught.

After a few heart-racing silences, Jeongguk whispered, “I think they’re gone.”

You nodded in response, tugging at the sleeve of his hot pink jumper to let you go.

“Oh sorry.” He shifted his hand away from your mouth but didn’t quite leave your face, his tattooed fingers still caressing your cheek and the calluses on his palms scratching your jawline lightly.

And you looked up to see galaxies.

“You-”

“Maniac.” He whispered, “You’re insane.”

Your breath hitched in your throat, “Am I?”

“Psychopath.”

“Don’t be dramatic.”

Jeongguk grinned at the reference, “We had magic.”

“But you made it tragic.”

His smile disappeared, “did I?”

“I-”

“Why did we break up, Y/N?”

You didn’t say because you couldn’t... because you didn’t know why. You had reasons then, reasons that you had used to build a resume of persuasion to break it off with him. You swore you did; it was the fighting (didn’t you always make up though), the constant need for attention (but didn’t he give you space), the fear of abandonment (did he ever leave you?)

Yes.

Yes, he did.

“Because you wanted to.” You said bitterly, that was it. You only wanted it to end... because he did. You didn’t want to grab him, force him to stay, you let him go because he wanted to.

“I didn’t want to.” He whispered, “I won’t say there weren’t days where I wondered what it was like to be single again, but I never saw my life like... this.”

“This?”

“Ignoring each other like there was nothing.” He pulled on a curl that escaped your hair before he looked into your eyes with a type of desperation. As if he wanted you to please just understand, “Like it was a mistake. It was never a mistake.”

“Okay well…” His hand went to the back of his neck, “About the night at your apartment, when we kissed… that was-“

“A mistake,” You blurted, steeling yourself, “It was a mistake.”

Jeongguk’s expression was blank, “Right. Yes. That was what I was going to say. A mistake.”

“If anything,” His voice cracked, “It was the best decision I made.”

You don’t remember what possessed you to grab him, but that single confession sparked something inside you that drove you over the edge. You grasped his shirt before pulling him towards you, his lips seconds apart from brushing against your lips. His eyes widened at your sudden boldness before they shifted into something like hunger.

The hand that caressed your face tightened slightly against your jaw; his eyes flickered down to your lips before he slowly kissed you. It was almost as if he was breathing you in.

He kissed you with a kind of softness that you had missed, the kind that made you feel like there was no one else, nothing else and there will be nothing else in the future. He pressed against you with a timid sort of fervor that was new. Your kisses with him were usually sure and comfortable, but there was a side emerging that you’d never experienced before.

He tasted old and yet new. He tasted different than from months ago, a lover that knew how to mold your body in pliancy without making it routinely, making your blood ignite when he sucked on your bottom lip before trailing his lips away from your mouth to your neck. Every press of his lips left purple marks that screamed his presence, a reminder that made sure you couldn’t deny all of this and chalk it up to a delusion that this was all a dream in the morning.

You gasped when he bit down slightly on the base of your neck, you could feel his lips curve into a grin when he kissed the mark, “So you’d remember.”

You kissed him again. And again. And again.

///

“I’ve missed this.” Jeongguk muttered into your hair, he smelled of cheap alcohol and himself.

You snuggled closer to him on the couch, “Me too.”

The two of you left the frat party in a drunken haze, for you, it wasn’t from the drinking but from the kiss. You giggled as he stumbled into your apartment in clumsy blur. He pouted before he pulled you into him in response. You two ended up as a heap of laughter and sweat on the floor before he had hulled you on the couch where you were right now.

You didn’t care what you were to Jeongguk, not right now. Right now, you were in his arms with his scent filling your nose. You wanted to focus on that, focus on this moment before it evaporated in the morning.

You wished that this night would never end, that this bliss would go on forever. That your kisses would leave stains that lasted longer than the marks on your neck. You wanted this to last. You knew it wouldn’t, but your mind begged for it.

“Goodnight.” He whispered an end.

“Goodnight.”

///

The first thing you saw in your clearer state of mind was Taehyung screaming before tackling a tired-looking Jeongguk onto the floor.

No, that was actually the second thing. The first thing you noticed was the fact that Jeongguk was indeed shirtless and walking around in your apartment with pajama bottoms that he had left months ago. How he still remembered where the pajama bottoms were and the fact that they existed in your possessions was a question you filed away to ask later.

Right now, your roommate had to be calmed down before either one of them busted a blood vessel (or an eye, depending on how violent Taehyung was feeling today).

“Taehyung! What is wrong with you!?” You hauled your roommate away from Jeongguk who had a stupendous grin on his face. Fuck, you missed that- NOT THE TIME Y/N!

“What’s wrong with me?” Taehyung nearly scoffed, “I saved you from this foul, evil, little-” Taehyung pointed accusingly at Jeongguk, “RODENT from defaming you!”

You sent a pointed look at Jeongguk, “What did you say?”

Jeongguk batted his lashes before he shrugged, “I just said that I spent the night here.”

The response from Taehyung was almost automatic, “SEE!” He nearly stomped on the floor, “This... thing was walking around half-naked, looking freshly fucked while you were laying unconscious in a burrito state on our couch! What else was I supposed to assume except that he kidnapped you to our apartment before he decided to tuck you into the couch, so he had access to all the creepy ex-boyfriend material he want- Wait what is that on your neck?”

Your hand automatically slapped over the bite mark, “I- Um.”

“Did he hit you?” Taehyung nearly growled looking ready to fight Jeongguk once again.

“No! Taehyung calm down-”

“Wait why does it have little incisions-” His mouth snapped shut before his complexion visibly paled, “I-is that a hickey?”

“Taehyung,” You stepped toward him with raised hands, “I can explain-”

“Oh my god you did fuck him.” Taehyung turned automatically to Jeongguk, his voice deadly calm, “Use protection, I don’t want to be a godfather at 22.”

Jeongguk rolled his eyes, “You are not going to be the godfather of my kids.”

“Good, I’m going to be the godfather of Y/N’s kids so I’m glad my godchildren won’t be fuckboy spawns with piercings and guitar hands.” Taehyung rolled his eyes, “But if you hurt her again, I will not be against castrating you.” He threatened,

“Taehyung, we’re not fucking.” You pressed your fingers to your temple; it was much too early for this.

“Sure, and I 100% did not see you having a vampire kink considering the size of the bite on your neck.” Taehyung checked his watch, “I have class. Gotta go. Use condoms.”

And then he left.

Jeongguk looked up to you from the floor, he raised a brow suggestively, “So a vampire kink, huh?”

You kicked him in the balls.

///

“Jeongguk-” You tried through his kiss, “We have work- mph-”

“Later.”

///

Your day was horrid, not only did you wake up 10 minutes late, cursing the fact you were a woman. You had to run to your calculus lecture across campus with horrible cramps that made you want to cry with every step, your usual café ran out of your favorite drink, and Taehyung ate the last slice of cake.

It was international “fuck y/n” day apparently.

So, by the time you met Jeongguk at his dorm for practice (as you were doing so for the past 2 weeks), you were exhausted and snappy.

“Okay, what’s wrong with you today?” Jeongguk asked, pulling off his glasses after the 17th sarcastic comment and 5th snipped response you gave.

“Nothing.” You mumbled, “Just having a bad day.”

Jeongguk sighed before leaning back in his chair, his expression went blank for a few seconds before he leaned toward the table again, “There’s cupcakes in the fridge.”

You had to school your excitement, “What?”

“I thought it would be nice to surprise you later with cupcakes, but it seems like now’s the best time. Get up, we’re taking these to your apartment.”

“But what about-”

“Frankly, Y/N, we’ve gotten only 2 lines done in the last 40 minutes, we’re not very productive today.” He grabbed your scarf and wrapped it around you, “We’re going to go to your apartment and watch the rest of Business Proposal because Ahn Hyo Seop is fucking hot while pigging out on overpriced cupcakes, okay?”

“Okay.”

And that’s exactly what you two did.

///

“You probably need to reword this part again.”

“Mmm.”

“And this should probably be C natural and not C flat, it sounds a bit odd.”

“Mhmmm.”

“And this- Jeongguk please for the love of god stop kissing my neck!” You let out an exasperated sigh before pushing him off of you.

Jeongguk pouted, “I thought you liked me kissing you.”

“I don’t! I mean I do! Just not when I’m working- we're working.” Flashes of the last 10 minutes of making out with him on the couch with your notes astray on the floor spawned in your mind, “I mean sometimes it’s okay. But not when I’m focusing, but like I’m-” Jeongguk smirked, “I’m going to fucking kill you.”

“No, do continue,” Jeongguk propped his head onto one of his knuckles, “I love hearing your rambles on how much you like kissing me.”

“Fuck you.”

“That’s your job, love, not mine.”

You elbowed him in the stomach for that one.

///

“I hate this part.”

“Too bad.”

“You know when you had a bad day, I fed you cupcakes.” Jeongguk glared, “But when I have a bad day, you steal my house and my money?”

“You’re the one who wanted to play this stupid game,” You threw a spare dollar at him. “Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. You only did this to yourself.”

“Don’t gaslight me!” He whined, “AND GIVE ME BACK THE BOARDWALK!”

“NO!”

You lunged for your cards as he reached for them, he tried to wrestle them out of your grasp causing the two of you to roll around on the monopoly board. Your empire, fed by Jeongguk’s bankruptcy, fell apart.

“Yes!” He screeched when he finally pulled the battered card out of your grasp, “I win!” He pressed a kiss against your lips.

“That’s not how the game works.” You glared once he pulled away.

“Well, I get to do this, so I think I’m the winner.” He said before his lips met yours once again, little did he realize that you believed you were the true winner for that.

///

“Hey, so remember Jungshin?” Jeongguk murmured from behind you. The two of you had put on a movie after a rather heated game of UNO (which turned into a rather heated makeout session but that was of no matter). It was a movie you had already watched before, a rather boring one at that (something about a kid and his dead hamster... or was it a hamster and its dead human?) but with Jeongguk’s arm around your waist and his nose buried in your hair, even the most boring movie seemed bearable.

“Yeah...” You muttered absent-mindedly as the kid (not the hamster) started to wail on screen.

“He’s getting married.”

“Isn’t he like 24?”

“Yeah.” You could feel Jeongguk shaking his head, “Insane to be married that young. But I need a plus one. Wanna come?”

“When is it?”

“January.”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” You liked Jungshin, that shouldn’t be too much of a problem. It was then that it hit you, “Jeongguk.”

“Hm?” He murmured as he pressed a kiss on the shell of your ear,

“What are we?”

Jeongguk froze from behind you.

Well, that was an answer.

You sat up, throwing Jeongguk’s arm away from your body, “Jeongguk...” You tried calmly, “what are we doing?”

His expression went blank, “What do you mean?”

“We- you- I-” You let out a frustrated sigh before standing up to face him, “We cuddle, we kiss-”

“We do more than just kiss.”

You rolled your eyes, “We make out, we go on little dates, and you always come over.” You listed them off your fingers, “And now, you want me to go to a wedding with you. Jeongguk, what are we doing? What are we?”

He reached for you, “Y/N-”

You stepped back, “Because I would consider this dating.”

Perhaps you were looking into this too much. Yes, perhaps you were, but could anyone blame you? In the 2 months that you and Jeongguk have been... doing this, there wasn’t a single label. You didn’t call each other anything, you just were... You desperately wanted it. You wanted to be wanted by him.

But the two of you never talked about the breakup. You glazed over it like it never happened and you could see way: it was messy. It was crazy. Unpleasant.

His face dropped and with that, your heart shattered. “I guess you don’t think the same way.”

“Y/N, no I-”

“Jeongguk,” You looked away, “I don’t think I can look at you right now, I need time. You need time.”

“Y/N-”

“Jeongguk.” You swallowed the knot in your throat, “I like you, sometimes I think a little too much. And that honestly scares me because we’ve done this before.” You looked straight at him, watching the light in his eyes shatter as you continued, “And it didn’t end well. But I know that if you don’t walk out of those doors right now, I will give you my heart over and over and over again. I will let you bruise it, shatter it and completely demolish it, but I’d still hand it to you again with a kiss.” Your lips trembled, “And I don’t want to start something without having a sure answer from you that you’d be committed. I’m not even asking for 100% just 90, maybe not even that. But I don’t want to start this and beg you to stay, I can’t handle that from you. Not again.”

His mouth clamped shut and you couldn’t blame him; it was a low blow, really, to bring up the breakup. But it was true, you wouldn’t be able to handle that type of heartbreak from Jeongguk for a second time, not when you were still recovering from the first.

“Please get out. I can’t do this right now.” You bowed your head, forcing the tears from releasing.

They unleashed like a storm at the shut of the door.

----

You didn’t talk for days.

Again.

---

Jeongguk <3: Hey

You: Hi

Jeongguk: I’m sorry

You: I know.

Jeongguk: I need time.

You: I know.

//

You saw Jeongguk around campus, he waved to you. You waved back.

Sometimes, you thought that was worse than when the two of you had ignored each other. He wasn’t a stranger, not anymore. But he wasn’t a friend either. He was another generic face in the crowd that you were friendly with rather than another stranger.

Faux friendliness, fake smiles and avoiding glances across the room.

Why was it so hard? It had only been two weeks, but the hole he left in your life was too noticeable. A Jeongguk-sized hole that he could only fill.

And in a twisted way... you wished he felt that same emptiness in his heart with you.

//

Ex: Are we going to continue the recording?

You: Festival is around 3 months away

Ex: Okay

You: Okay

//

Ex: You looked wretty today

Ex: I mean fuck tou always do

Ex: I’m wsirry

Ex: I still lpve you

// Ex: sorry about yesterday

Ex: I was drunk

You: It’s okay

You: I was drunk too

//

“Are you sure you’ll be okay alone?” Taehyung asked as he shrugged on his coat.

It had been 2 weeks since Jeongguk’s last text, 3 since you had asked him to take time.

Maybe you had been too harsh on him.

“I’ll be fine.” You waved Taehyung away as you started another episode of Squid Game, “I don’t even like drinking, go have fun with Jimin.”

“Okay.” Taehyung hesitated before opening the door, “You looked happy y’know?”

“Hm?”

“As much as I hate to give that douchebag any credit,” Taehyung curled his bottom lip, “You looked happy when you were with him. I know it’s not my place, but Y/N... You glowed.”

//

It was around 11 pm when Taehyung started pounding on your door, you rolled your eyes as you contemplated whether to leave your roommate in his drunken haze outside your apartment. Well it was his fault for not taking his keys...

Deciding to be a dutiful roommate, you unlocked the door, “Taehyung, I swear if you throw up on my good shoes again-”

“I don’t think I want to throw up on your shoes.” Jeongguk replied, “Or you actually.”

Jeongguk.

With a shovel and a rose.

You stared. It had been weeks since the two of you had a conversation and here he was at your door, holding a shovel and a rose to match the song that you two had been working on.

“Is this a joke?” You asked much too snappily than you would’ve liked.

You had imagined this moment, the moment when Jeongguk gave you an answer, but never like this. Never when you were sitting in a ratty old hoodie and ill-fitting pajama bottoms, never with him leaning the shovel outside your door while grasping the rose so delicately. Never with him looking into your eyes full of the determination of a soldier.

“No,” He replied calmly.

“Then what is this?”

“A confession. If you’d let me.”

Your knees went weak but you still narrowed your eyes at him. Jeongguk wasn’t a man of many words and right now, despite your longing to bury yourself into his chest, you wanted to hear the right words from him.

You leaned against the doorframe and crossed your arms, “Go on then.”

“I don’t know.” Jeongguk started, “I thought about for weeks, Y/N. But I don’t know what to call us.”

Your heart sunk a little.

“But I know what I want to call you.” He whispered, “I want to call you my girlfriend but that word isn’t enough to describe how I feel, Y/N. You- I...” He took a deep breath, “Fuck, I had I script but I can’t even remember it now.” He laughed to himself grimly.

You curled your lip to keep yourself from laughing endearingly. You had to have an answer from him, you needed his word.

“It’s you.” He muttered, “I cannot describe it beyond that, it’s you and it will always be you. Those nights that I wondered if this was enough, if this was love showed me nothing but the fact that it is you.” He finally looked at you, “I don’t believe in true love, but with you, I want to give it a shot because when I see you, Y/N fuck, I want you in any capacity you’d have me. I’m late. I know. You can kick me to the curb, I’d hand you the shovel to bury me and the rose to put on my grave eagerly if you think that’s what I deserve. I’ll take whatever you give me. I’ll hand you my heart, I’ll let you trample on it, bruise it and shatter it and I will still hand it to you even if you stop handing me yours.”

“Because Y/N...” He nearly whispered, “I’m not sure 100%, I will never be sure 100% but I’ll give you my 99, my 99.9999 because... I think I love you.”

You wanted to capture this moment, the way he looked at you right now... you wanted it to last forever. And perhaps, it would.

“I’ll take it.” You whispered, stepping towards him, “Your 90, your 99, your 99.999 and that 1 percent that .0001 percent that you’re in doubt, I’ll fill that 1 percent up. Because Jeongguk...” Your hands grazed the back of his neck as he continued to stare, “I think I love you too.”

And you kissed him.

“Only 1 percent?” He smiled cheekily against your lips.

“No, you idiot, 100%… together.”

Being with him was a gamble, one that you could lose but you’d take it anyway. There was no 100% guarantee of success, but perhaps, you could make it the closest to it together.

end pt 2/2

a/n: I have nothing to say for myself. It’s been some time-

[doberbutts]

Not to be annoying on main (I can't be annoying on main here because this is technically side) but this is one of the reasons it irks me when people say trans men have male privilege on an equal scale to cis men or even on a societal scale above cis women because like.

On my post about PCOS I'm pretty careful to talk specifically about birth assignment and genetics rather than "man" "woman" etc. And it's great that PCOS had that breakthrough study that seems amab people can also have PCOS and it's not actually about the ovaries or about sex even if it contributes to sex hormones, and it's annoying that PCOS research has been on pause for decades due to lack of funding because it was thought to not affect cis men and it's annoying that only now that cis men are potentially affected is any real progress being made.

But god damn the amount of people responding to it by saying "oh so now that it finally affects men it gets funding"

And I get the bitterness. Really I do.

But trans men have been a thing since gender and gender roles were invented. It's always affected men. It's just that those men aren't seen as important by society, as either men or women, and so it was okay for those men to suffer in silence. Unknown and unacknowledged by basically every scientific body performing the research to fix said problem in the first place.

Trans men have *been* affected by PCOS long before the discovery that cis men are capable of having it too.

It's just that trans pain isn't worth funding.

[bthrough]

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[marvel-starwarsfangirl]

"The Bad Batch" Season 3 episodes 1-3 review

guys, I woke up at the crack of dawn to watch this because I couldn't sleep (although tbf, my room's heater was way too much and distracting my peaceful slumber anyway). Overall, I really enjoyed the start to the final season. I thought the character directions were good, animation was always beautiful, music was great, and the action was fun. There were a few surprises and somethings I wish they changed, but I'm happy.

spoilers not necessary, but it's fair to say that Hemlock has cemented himself as a truly sinister and twisted villain. Everything about him from his VA's performance to actions are perfection. His theme is also very chilling. We've never seen a villain like him in Star Wars.

Spoilers below

Omega and Crosshair right away steal the show for me. Her upbeat attitude even in the darkest of times is enough to breakthrough Crosshair's darkness. And honestly, that's one of my favorite things about Omega: her hope. Although she's a kid and separated from her family, she still finds ways to keep going. She finds companionship in Batcher (who is adorable), talks with Crosshair, makes a straw Lula, and constantly searches for a way out. I love her dearly. There's something about her pluckiness that's so endearing. Side note: isn't it eerie she kinda resembles Emerie with her hairstyle? I think it was intentional and she's a mirror to her.

Then there's Crosshair. He's my favorite character so of course I was excited to see him. I am a big fan of the direction they're taking him in. He's at his lowest and right now, he has to slowly pick himself back up. Although I can see his transition from "there's no escape" to trusting Omega as a bit rushed, I think it works. They've been stuck for months and I like to think that in the time between episode 1 and 3, her visits kept him going. And that's very important. It's implied that she constantly visits him when she can. His body language also speaks volumes. I could talk for a while about that. Crosshair's words hold a sharp bite to them; he doesn't like being emotionally vulnerable. However, his body language says differently. He does trust Omega's direction, he smiles when thinking of Tech, he readily helps Omega up, and he's surprised when Omega tells him he doesn't deserve to be stuck on Tantiss. Crosshair clearly cares about her and his family even though his words try to shield that. AND HE FINALLY SAID OMEGA'S NAME!!! I am not ok with this.

The other thing about Crosshair I want to talk about is his hands. He either has nerve damage from Barton IV, the torture is getting to him, or he has psychosomatic symptoms from his mental anguish. One of the things that's quickly established about him is that he's a sharpshooter. Crosshair is shown repeatedly to make these incredible shots and never miss. And yet, now he keeps missing because his hands shake. I think it's an interesting choice to make. Aside from forcing Crosshair to fight physically and show how cool he is, this choice does emphasizes how fractured his identity has become. When he joined the Empire, he lost his Batcher identity. The Empire stripped him of his humanity. Then, he lost his soldier identity when taken to Tantiss. Now, the only other thing he has, which are his skills, are gone. He needs to slowly put himself back together and I'm excited to see his journey.

Moving on to Hunter and Wrecker. They need hugs so much. One of the things I noticed was that Wrecker was more subdued and quiet. He's always let his inner child out, but knows when it's time to be serious. I really appreciated the mature approach to both characters. Hunter is struggling with Tech and Omega's loss and it's evident. He secludes himself and the pain is felt in his words and body language. Even their armor design shows the mental toll that last season's events have taken on them. Overall, I'm intrigued to see how their journeys progress. They're both kinda stuck and hopefully that will change as they get closer and closer to finding Omega (and Crosshair).

In terms of story, I did really enjoy that we got in the first few episodes. The clone cadet mini arc in episode 2 was really cool to watch as it finally explains what happens to the younger clones. It shows how they adapt with losing everything they know, especially since they're kids. On top of that, we get the start of the "find Omega" mission. Both stories mesh well together and I enjoyed it a lot. The story with Omega and Crosshair was particularly interesting. The monotony of the Empire is on full scale, as is Hemlock's cruelty. My crack theory is that Palpatine is trying to make force sensitive clones. But I think the mystery behind Project Necromancer is really fascinating and spooky. Both Emerie and Nala Se are interesting in because both feel conflicted about their loyalty to Omega and their jobs. I think Emerie will choose Omega in the end though, just like Nala Se did. Overall, I think both stories are intriguing and will hopefully have some great payoffs in the end.

Of course, not everything is perfect. I didn't expect the time-jump or the escape from Tantiss to be that fast. Honestly, I think we could've waited an episode before jumping right into it. It makes me wonder what's next for Cross and Omega since they left so quickly. I also really wish that we got Crosshair's reaction to finding out about Tech. It's implied Omega told him based on what she says at the crashed shuttle. Still, I would've loved to find out his reaction. That's his brother. I think it's fair to say that Crosshair would've felt very guilty. In the time since episode 1, he's probably made peace with it, but I think it should've been included nonetheless.

Those are my overall thoughts. I hope you all enjoyed the episodes as well and I'm so excited for next week. Until then Bad Batch friends! May the Force be with you!

(also, i hope we see Echo next week!)

[yourkimjaejin]

Burn Marks

They had told her to be careful. 

After a successful three days in Seoul, two days in Japan then the show two days ago in Madrid, AG had finally made it back to Paris. It had been years since the girls were in the city of love for Breakthrough’s music video shoot. This time, thankfully, no creepy guys or horrible managers were in sight. 

The members got to enjoy a day on the town before a stage rehearsal later that night. Immediately, Moxy and Aurora dragged their other members through the streets until they reached Miss Eve’s bakery. The older woman was beyond happy to see the girls again, this time all grown up. Juno and Hannah understood why the youngest member couldn’t stop talking about the pastries. They all tasted heavenly. While eating, they filled Miss Eve in on what had been going on since she saw them last. They even brought more posters and memorabilla to line the bakeries walls.

“I know you all getting big. Every year, more and more fans stop to admire my posters. I tell them ‘I meet AG before becoming famous.” Miss Eve's bragging had the girls falling out of their seats. 

Before they left, the girls invited Miss Eve to come to the concert, her eyes light up in excitement, “I bring niece! She big fan.” Miss Eve wouldn’t let them leave without bringing more food for their staff at the venue. The girls waved at Miss Eve as the car pulled off. 

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

It’s been a long rehearsal. AG would be lucky to be in bed by 3am. Being at a smaller venue meant, readjusting every single performance so they stayed safe. Fortunately, the end was in sight. The director wanted to run through five more songs, but first was Cannonball. In the Seoul stadium, Cannonball had huge balls of fire going off all around the stage. Because of the size the girls were free to run wild. In smaller stadiums, everything was shifted and restricted for the girls' safety. The director would rather be safe than sorry especially with Hannah and Aurora since they were closest to the pyro. 

Everything was going smoothly until they spread out for the second verse of the song. Everyone was tired. The lethargy creeping into their bones had everyone acting silly in an attempt to make it through the song Aurora was jumping along with her group of dancers near the left of the stage. None of them paid attention to how close they had gotten the pyro until it was too late. The maknae flung her arm out just as her previously recorded voice screams “Let’s Go!” into the empty arena. 

Aurora smelt it first. She couldn’t place the exact smell nor could Aurora describe it. Can one really explain the smell of burning. 

Then the pain set in. 

Aurora's terrified scream halted everyone. Her three older members all flinched at the sound, taking a moment to realize that sound came from Aurora before they surrounded her. Encircling her between them. 

“What happened?”

“Aurora what hurts?”

“Do you need a doctor?” 

Somebody's finger grazed the burn spot on her arms causing another shrill scream to echo around the venue. “It hurts unnie, it hurts.” Aurora whimpered, clutching her arm close to her chest. Hannah catches the eye of their leader nodding her head toward backstage. Nodding, Moxy takes off to find the doctor. Without prompt, Juno turns her attention to the dancers.

“Did you see what happened?” Juno asked. One of them, a female dancer that has been with AG for years, nodded. 

“I guess we got too close to the pyro. Aurora-ssi flung her arm out just as the fire went off. Her arm was only in it for a second, Could that much damage happen that fast?” The dancer asked. 

“I’ll be able to tell you in a moment.” The voice of the on-site doctor answered as Moxy followed behind him. He walked onto the stage with his first aid kit toward the two girls and kneeled down in front of them. 

“Hi Aurora-ssi. It’s nice to meet you. I had hoped it wouldn’t be this soon but that's neither here nor there. I’m Doctor Choi and I’ll be traveling with you for the duration of your tour.” Doctor Choi placed his first aid kit in front of the quartet, opening it so they all could see inside. 

“Now Aurora, Moxy-ssi has informed me that you’ve burned yourself on the pyro. Could I see your arm? I won’t even touch it. I just need to see how serious the burn is to determine if you need to go to hospital..” Aurora looked to her unnies first. At Moxy’s nod, she held her forearm out in front of them for Doctor Choi to examine. Compared to her complexion, the burn mark stood out. The skin had turned red, some places puffed up and bumpy. 

“Good news, Aurora-ssi doesn’t need a hospital but we do need to move her backstage for me to treat her.” Doctor Choi closed his case and stood up. Worry grew between all four girls.

“Why backstage?” Hannah asked while helping Aurora stand without putting pressure on the younger arm. The doc was already walking to the back, the members forced to follow. 

“Because she has second degree burns. They need to be treated properly and I don’t have all the supplies in need in my bag..” At the doctor’s answer, four pairs of footsteps sped up. Doctor Choi led them to his makeshift treatment room and enlisted the girls' help in patching up Aurora's arm. 

Through each step he explained what he was doing and why. First, they rinsed the burn under cool water. “This’ll get the pain to stop.” Next, Doctor Choi had Hannah gently wash the area to disinfect it. Pangs of hurt ripple thru the older girls every time their maknae hissed in pain. 

Then, as carefully as he could, the doctor spread petroleum jelly across the entire burn. “This is to keep the area hydrated while it heals. I’ll also get some gauze with petroleum jelly already on it.” Lastly, Doctor Choi wrapped the burn snug enough not to move while Aurora dances but not tight enough to hurt. 

“Now, as long as you wash it every day and keep the wound hydrated with an ointment or more petroleum jelly, the burn should heal in three to four weeks. You’ll have to wear the gauze during performances though. If that’s all, I’d suggest Aurora-ssi sit out the rest of the rehearsal." Before she could argue, Moxy agreed. 

“Actually, we're all heading back to the hotel until closer to showtime.” 

Aurora shook her head, “Unnie we had four more songs to run through.” 

“Four song rehearsals don’t take priority over your health. Thank you for your help Doctor Choi.” Moxy bowed while Hannah pushed the group out the door, through the stadium  and to the parking lot where a car was already waiting for them. 

The ride back was quiet, all the girls were rocked physically and emotionally from what happened to Aurora but nobody felt that more than the maknae herself. Now that the painkillers were kicking in, the pain was ebbing away. But the sight of her bandaged forearm was an ugly reminder of what happened. Finally the familiar front of their hotel greeted their eyes. Slowly, all four women dragged their bodies through the ornate lobby to the elevators. The maknae knew after everything that had happened, there was no way her unnies would leave her alone. But she just wanted a second to process. Aurora tugged on her leader’s sleeve. She mouthed the words, Code: Alone Time. Migyeong pursed her lips but nodded, everyone in NCT respected the codes. When the elevator opened, Moxy herded Juno and Hannah to her room leaving Aurora to enter hers. There was a bit of push back but one look silenced them. Aurora closed the door and flopped onto her bed finally able to breathe. 

With nothing else to do, Aurora took a nap, taking care not to lay on her bandaged arm.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\ 

Aurora didn’t know how long she was asleep until she felt fingers running through her hair, gently undoing the slight tangles. Aurora could tell it was Hannah. Her other members weren’t ones for gentle wake up calls. 

“Eunji-ah? You awake?” Hannah murmured. Her fingers were pulling away but the maknae pushed her head back into her unnie’s palm. A soft smile grew on Hannah’s face, fingers continuing their mission. It was rare for Aurora to let her maknae tendencies loose. 

“You gotta get up. It’s time to head to the venue.” The elder got a hum in response but neither moved to get up. Hannah wasn’t in a hurry to rush the younger singer. Aurora was strong but that didn’t mean she was immune to shock or pain. If she wasn’t ready then they’d postpone until Aurora was. 

“I wanna inform the fans…about what happened.” she sat up, stroking her arm softly, “I don’t want them to worry when they see this bandage tonight.” 

Hannah reached over ruffling Aurora hair, “I think we can make that happen. But first we gotta visit the doc and get that gauze changed.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hello this is SM Entertainment, We’re here to inform the fans of a minor injury update. At the rehearsal for NCT AG’s concert in Paris tonight, Aurora sustained a minor burn on her arm. She is okay and has been treated already. Aurora has also chosen to perform tonight and will keep her arm wrapped until the injury heals completely.  Aurora is okay and urges fans to ease their worries and enjoy the show. We wish Aurora a speedy recovery and good luck for the concert tonight. 

Comments:

Not Aurora!!! Glad they said she chose to perform Omo!! I hope she’s okay How the heck did she get burned during rehearsal Paris czennies!! Cheer extra loud for our maknae tonight.

/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\/\

First part of the Tour!Angst is in the books!!!! I hope you all liked it. I've been writing these since last year so I hope they live up to the work I've put in. Next up is Moxy so until then have a great day!! ~ Author Izzy

Taglist: @alixnsuperstxr / @1-800-call-ria / @sophrodite / @sunflower-0180

[kaulitzsblog]

What's Happening..?

Part 2♡♡

Bill kaulitz x fem reader.

Summary: Y/n isn't feeling well she was in the hospital for an unknown illness, Bill there being by her side every day doing anything to make her feel better. She slowly starts gaining feelings for him, and he feels the same way🫣

Word count : 1.5k

Days turned into weeks, and Y/n found herself confined to a sterile hospital room, surrounded by the constant beeping of machines and the scent of antiseptic. Doctors and nurses came and went, running tests and performing procedures, but still no one could figure out what was wrong with her.

Throughout this ordeal, there was one person who never left Y/n's side, bill.Their bond had grown stronger over these past couple of days.

Bill would sit by Y/n's bedside, holding her hand and offering words of comfort. Y/n found solace in his presence, and his unwavering support gave her the strength to keep fighting he made everything better and less painful.

One evening, as Y/n lay in bed, exhausted from another round of tests, she drifted off to sleep. Bill watched her intently, his heart filled with both worry and adoration. He gently brushed a strand of hair away from her face, his touch as light as a feather.

Y/n stirred slightly, but her eyes remained closed. Bill smiled softly, marveling at her peaceful expression. In that moment, he realized just how beautiful she was, even in the midst of her pain and uncertainty. He couldn't help but feel a surge of emotions, a mix of love, longing, and a desire to protect her from any harm.

As the days turned into weeks, Y/n's condition remained a mystery. Doctors consulted with specialists from around the world, searching for answers. Bill never left her side, even canceling concerts and appearances to be there for her. He was determined to support her through this difficult journey, no matter how long it took.

One day, a breakthrough finally came. A renowned specialist discovered a rare condition that had been overlooked by the previous doctors. With this newfound knowledge, a treatment plan was put into motion, giving Y/n hope for the first time in months.

•~A few months later•~

Y/n was slowly getting better with the treatments. Bill, who was now in love with her, admired her personality and found her sweet and beautiful. He believed she had an angelic voice that he had never heard from anyone before. Bill was completely captivated by her.

One day, Bill asked y/n how she was feeling. She replied, "Feeling better than ever!" She was finally released from the hospital, and she packed her belongings that Bill and the rest of the band had brought for her. As she packed, she couldn't help but recall the sweet things Bill had said to her when she had her eyes closed, thinking she was asleep.

Bill had expressed his feelings for her, and it stirred a mix of emotions within y/n. She realized that she had developed a deep connection with Bill. She admired the way he looked, so effortlessly beautiful. He was tall and somewhat muscular, always dressed uniquely in a way that set him apart from others in a good way. He was truly one of a kind.

As y/n finished packing, she couldn't help but feel a sense of excitement and nervousness about what the future held for her. She knew that her and bills connection was special and that they had the potential for something amazing. "Bill..?" Y/n whispered to him. " Yes Princess what's up?" He responded. Y/n instantly got flustered at his words and how soft his voice sounded. " Thank you" Y/n said in a low whisper . Bill got close to y/n both now inches away from each other. He whispered in her ear "anything for you beautiful". His warm breathe hitting y/n's neck sending a shivers down her back. |God Hes so handsome | y/n thought ot herself. Bill walked out to grab some snacks for them. Meanwhile Y/n organized her things to pack up.

•After a while•

Bill had been patiently waiting for y/n to finish packing, approached her with a warm smile. He gently took her hand and said, "Are you ready to get back on that stage, rockstar?"

Y/n nodded, her heart racing with anticipation. "Yes, Bill. I'm so excited.Thank you for everything. Im so grateful to have you in my life."

Bill pulled her into a tight embrace, his arms enveloping her with warmth and love. "And I'm so thankful that you're finally out of the hospital and that we can start singing together again. Just me and you, "He gently spoke. "You mean the world to me, y/n."

Tears welled up in y/n's eyes as she looked up at Bill. "You mean the world to me too, Bill. I never thought I would find someone who understands me the way you do."

Bill wiped away her tears gently. "I will always be here for you, y/n. Through the good times and the bad, I promise to love and support you."

Y/n smiled, feeling a sense of peace and contentment wash over her. She knew that with Bill by her side, she could conquer anything that came their way. Y/n was carrying some bags that were somewhat heavy. "Need help ?" Bill asked. " No, I can do this. I'm a strong, independent woman." Y/n replied. Bill laughed at her comment. " yea okay sure" he said, smiling. Bill ended up helping y/n carry her bags into his car. They both got in. Y/n admired bills side profile while he was starting the car. He was so beautiful in a way that he had feminine features but also masculine. She looked at how his jawline was sharp and defined. His honey colored eyes blistened in the light. His hands looked soft and somehow gentle. They finally got to the mansion.

Y/n went in first Bill carrying her stuff inside. "SURPRISE!!" Tom, georg, and gustav all yelled. There was decorations all over the place a big sign on the wall hanging written *WELCOME BACK Y/N* "Thank you all for this " y/n said she felt so touched at the fact that they cared about her and even took the time to organise everything for her. She felt her eyes water. A tear rolled down her cheek. Nobody has ever done something like this for her. "Y/n, what's wrong ?? Why are you crying? " georg came up to her comforting her. "I'm sorry, I just never really had people do this for me it's my first time, and I feel so touched," She replied with a shaky breath. " Aw, it's okay y/n we will always be here for you no matter what. We care about you so much, " gustav said in a heart-warming tone . He came up to her, giving her a big warm hug accompanied by Tom and georg. Bill walked in, watching them have a group hug. " What about me?" he said in a funny, annoyed tone. They were now all hugging y/n. She finally really felt loved.

She had a big smile on her face. "Thank you all for this. It really means so much to me. I'll always cherish this moment forever. I love you guys." She said, her voice cracking in between sentences. "Y/n" Bill

Spoke with a soft smile. " Come upstairs in 10 minutes, okay?" He said. (Oooooh) Tom and Georg mumbled each smirking at each other while Gustav was focused on the tv.

After 10 minutes passed, y/n walked upstairs, knocking on bills' bedroom door. " Who is it ??" He asked. " It's me y/n you wanted to see me?" Y/n replied back a bit confused on why he wanted to speak to her privately. She wanted to express her feelings to him for a while now but things didn't go as planned since she was stuck in the hospital for a while, wasn't the best place ro confess is what she thought to herself. After a while of waiting Bill opened the door asking y/n to close her eyes before going in. Y/n shuts her eyes. Bill leads y/n into the room. "You can open now " he said. She opened her eyes she looked at the rose pettles on the floor decorations hung up. Their was so many gifts on the bed, then she saw it . Her jaw dropped.

There was a big poster hung up. * Will you be my girlfriend?* Her eyes instantly became watery and blurry she turned to Bill who was patiently standing behind her waiting for an answer , He was anxious. She quickly turned around tightly hugging him " Yes of course oh my God I can't believe this" She spoke. Tears rolling off her cheek. Bill hugged her back tightly. He had a big smile on his face. He gently pulled y/n chin up and before you knew it there lips connected. Y/n was shocked at first but then relaxed and closed her eyes. His lips were soft and smooth. He gently lowered his hands down, now on her lower back. He pulled her in even closer to him both bodys not touching. He still managed keeping the kiss locked in. After a while they pulled away gasping for air. Y/n was red as a tomato now. " I love you y/n ever since I laid my eyes on you, I knew you would be the one for me." He spoke out. Y/n didn't hesitate anymore and pulled him in for another kiss she'd always dreamed off this moment.Shed been craving him every time they were together. The end.🫶🏽

(Guys, I'm new to this, so I'm sorry if this is bad pls don't hate😭 any tips would be useful. Lmk what else I should do 💗🫶🏽)

[ca-suffit]

I love Lestat/Sam but his fans are so annoying (some)I'm not sure if it becomes ''the Lestat'show'' it could work.

Episode 5 was incredible and It pains me to think that the other co-leads are not going to be seen at their true value, especially Jacob who has given an impeccable performance as Louis since season 1, Assad and Delainey who are the breakthroughs of the season,but Joseph (Nicki ) who appeared like 2mins they made some Fanarts,letters for the actors and praised him.Im not as excited as before for season 3 .

.