#but I cannot find any of them anywhere on the internet I know they fucking exist I'm so mad about it

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

wait hold on...

(also by @/luuuna-rambles tumblr's gif search is a nightmare)

Ed, the greatest pirate captain of all time:

And then of course we have Stede who wanted to be captain so bad he paid his way in

And Izzy who wanted to be captain so bad that the only way to placate him was to promise he could be captain and who had a tantrum when Ed didn't kill Stede in order to retire and leave Izzy the captaincy like he said he was going to, a tantrum which lasted 4 episodes and almost got stede killed twice and everyone involved killed once:

[spacelazarwolf]

Unhinged anon time. I can't use my real name anywhere on the Internet. I broke up with my ex three years ago because she was not in a good place for a relationship and she all but banned me from seeing friends etc because she was convinced I'd cheat on her (even to the point where I'm faking being a lesbian and secretly just like men and am laughing at her for thinking I'd like her). Anyways yeah. Three years on she still hunts for me online. My work put my name on their public website without me knowing and she found it and rang/emailed everyone she could find contact details for telling them I used to r*pe her and beat her and caused her to miscarry our baby (again... cis lesbians) and how I'd only end up stealing from my workplace and probably assaulting people. Luckily my boss was contacted and stood up for me and her number and email addresses have been blocked and my name removed from everything. When we broke up she did this to all my friends and family she could find on FB and Insta etc. But none of them believed her thank g*d. I legit cannot exist online in any way and I don't understand how it's been three years and she's still doing it and I'm so confused about why she thinks it's okay or even what she wants to achieve

holy shit what the fuck??????????? that's so awful i'm so sorry.

[podracerbarrelroll]

Thinking of that post about parents who relentlessly track their kids' cell phone location and internet history and every move in the name of keeping them 'safe' without their knowledge or consent. Also about the article I read awhile back about the developing social expectation that parents not let children go anywhere alone (which I couldn't find, but this one is more recent and similar).

For one thing. In the United States, violent crime has decreased since the 1990s and drug use among teenagers has gone down overall since the 1970s (skip to the charts on page 161 if you want to click through them). The world is not actually more dangerous today than it was when Gen Xers or older Millennials were kids.

But I'm sure there are parents out there who think that any chance of bad things happening means they must keep as close an eye on their kids as possible or they're bad parents. Not using every tool at their disposal makes them irresponsible, and tracking phones is just what you do today because the technology is available.

To these people, I would like to say:

How would you have felt about your parents listening in on all your conversations on the house phone and routinely going through your room and reading any diary or journal you kept? My parents did that, and I can guarantee you that it did not feel good, and I am still (in my early 30s) extremely protective and possessive of my things and hate anyone touching my phone or computer without my permission for any reason.

Yes, your kid might do drugs, and they might be a victim of violent crime. Tracking their every move does not necessarily prevent that. However, it does make it more likely they will leave their phone at their friends' house when they're sneaking out to go to a party they didn't tell you about and then they don't have that phone to call you for help. It also makes it more likely that if something does happen, they will not go to you for help or tell you about it for fear of getting into trouble.

Parental monitoring works best when parents have good, open, and caring relationships with their teens. Teens are more willing to talk to their parents if they think their parents can be trusted, have useful advice to offer, and are open and available to listen and talk. Teens who are satisfied with their relationships with their parents tend to be more willing to follow the rules. Not by, y'know, subjecting them to your own personal surveillance state.

Children are not perpetual children. They are future adults and need to develop the very necessary skills of learning how to make their own decisions. Not allowing this is how you end up calling your adult children's college professors because they've fallen behind in classes, because you've created a risk-averse, conflict-averse adult with no idea how to manage their own schedule. (This is also how you get accidental conservatives obsessed with following the 'rules', but the other post describes that better.)

On that note, you cannot control your children their whole lives. They will eventually grow up and move out when they're eighteen or twenty or twenty-five if you insist on them living with you through college. If you've never let them go to a party or have a single alcoholic drink, how the fuck do you expect them to know moderation when they're older and the consequences for fucking up are worse?

Conversely, you may get a kid that grows up, leaves, and doesn't talk to you at all. My parents literally told me that I didn't have a right to privacy because I was their child and living with them. While I do still talk to my parents, I purposely put physical and emotional distance between them and myself when I left for college, and I do not and have never gone to them for life advice or for comfort when I'm having a hard time.

And finally. Consider finding out, ten or fifteen years from now, that your child is dating someone who tracks their cell phone location at all times, goes through their phone and computer at random, and restricts where they go and who they spend time with, perhaps because this person pays more of the bills. If you've shown your child that surveillance and isolation is love, how the fuck are they gonna recognize the hallmark signs of an abusive relationship?

Even my parents expected me to get to school and back by myself, either by walking or taking the bus, from the time I was in kindergarten. I spent a lot of non-school weekdays at the public library from the time I was in middle school. So, when I left for college and moved to a new town, I knew how to take the bus by myself and how to navigate an urban area without the advantage of a car and how to deal with being around other people in public. The idea of gen Z kids lacking even that experience is a fucking shame.

[system-of-a-feather]

If you are still taking asks about your syscourse stance from anti endos (I'm a bit late) :

1. Excluding those who do not remember their trauma or do not believe it to be enough to be traumagenic, do you believe that endos are really experiencing systemhood and not some other kind of plurality or multiplicity?

I cannot understand how someone who doesn't have any dissociation could ever have alters. It just doesn't make sense at all to me, no matter what angle I look at it from, and I cannot find any sources explaining it either. I do not *not* believe that endos are experiencing some kind of multiplicity but I don't think it's necessarily systemhood, if that makes sense?

2. How do you not get jaded by some of the things you see happening in the pro-endo spaces?

I'm talking about things like people labeling themselves "trans-programmed" or "trans-RAMCOA" (and so many more), those same people often calling traumagenic systems privileged, and other people who keep spreading misinfo about OSDDID (for example, that you don't need trauma to have DID), etc.

I know this isn't the entire community but I rarely see much opposition to those behaviors, which makes me feel very unsafe amongst most pro-endos.

1. Excluding those who do not remember their trauma or do not believe it to be enough to be traumagenic, do you believe that endos are really experiencing systemhood and not some other kind of plurality or multiplicity?

Honestly, I think the only thing in this topic is a lot of arguing over semantics and if words can be shared. From what I'm getting, I think you equate systemhood / being a system to being traumagenic / DID / OSDD exclusively. From the sounds of it, I think you seem to be open to the idea that they do experience multiplicity / plurality so I don't think we disagree there much. I personally don't think "system" and "systemhood" needs to be an explicitly DID/OSDD term but its also a debate I have very little interest in. I am cool with saying that "system" is a term that people can use regardless of their nature cause - to me - it's just a way of labeling yourself.

Also, while I am not sure if it is similar or the same as DID/OSDD alters, I honestly could see how someone could have disordered plurality without being traumagenic simply due to how prolonged internet usage can cause a dissociative effect, especially in situations where roleplaying features are around and those have been documented in clinical studies - particularly around the proposed internet gaming disorder and internet gaming addiction. There is a lot of research to be done whether the experience of DID/OSDD like symptoms late in age is anywhere comparable to the more traditionally researched and understood DID/OSDD that stems from complex and chronic childhood trauma - but it's honestly a pretty false notion that dissociation ONLY comes due to trauma. (ADHD has it as a symptom, internet usage has a dissociative affect on the self, substances can also do it, meditation also can do it) So I figure with the combination of developing research in developmental psychopathology and research into other things that can cause dissociation that we might honestly find other means of developing alters or alter-like experiences in people who did not experience the extended trauma often seen in our current understanding of DID/OSDD.

2. How do you not get jaded by some of the things you see happening in the pro-endo spaces?

I just divide "pieces of shit" from "people just living their lives". //shot//

Honestly, really though, if someone is being an asshole, bigotted, extremely fucked up, etc I consider them first and foremost their fucked up group and then the neutral or positive group identities they have second.

So if someone is trans-programmed and identify as endo - I identify them FIRST as a toxic and fucked up trans-ID person who happens to identify as part of the endo community. I attribute the trans-ID shit to their trans-ID beliefs and give the overall community the benefit of the doubt and good faith that the overlap is a Ven Diagram and not a circle.

Generally I like to avoid generalizing groups as all bad based on their bad corners, especially if I've seen the community actually make efforts to improve. I personally found the latter of the that statement earned with the good faith I saw in a lot of quiogenic and endogenic systems when the tulpa-discourse came up and a good number of servers and people made the effort to leave the appropriated terms behind.

From that point I went "aight ok" and divided the endo community between racists and people with no intent of improving themselves and their community and endos that just honestly want to live their life and are doing the best in their knowledge to not harm others.

TransID people I generally put in the same group as the Tulpa people and just click my tongue in disgust and block them.

But TLDR I just honestly would prefer to give the people that haven't done anything wrong a chance to just live their lives without hurting people rather than punishing them with the people that really don't care the harm they do. Just cause some people who claim to be part of your group are pieces of shit, doesn't mean everyone in that group both 1) supports and wants those people in their group and 2) deserve to be shunned, harassed, and treated with poorly.

[godlesslittlecreatures]

Creature’s Petyr x Catelyn Masterlist, Part I

I've read it all...so you don't have to. 

I was delighted to get back on this app and find that there was demand for something like this. Even in the time since I started compiling this list, I've seen a few other lists going around, which makes my previously-closeted-PxC-shipper heart fucking sing. Y'all, I am not exaggerating when I say I very well may have read every single fic ever written for this pairing. That's both a fool's errand and impossibly easy considering the sheer lack of content, as I'm sure you know yourself if you're reading this post. 

I have stirred the dust at the very edges of the internet in my desperate, months-long search for quality content for this pairing. And believe me you, I'm no stranger to the disappointment of seeing something tagged "Petyr Baelish/Catelyn Tully Stark" (I encounter this issue more on AO3 than anywhere else, really), only for it either be an ancillary detail of the story, straight up nonconsensual, or an attempt by a butthurt ficwriter to punish two characters that so many people in the fandom seem to, at best, grievously misunderstand. Mistagging has caused me many an hour of eventual disappointment and cost me many a precious hour of my life that I will never get back.

But, even after wading chin-deep in all the shit this fandom has to offer, I have found gold. I'm here to prove it exists, if you only know where to look.

But Creature, what makes a fic good? How do you ascribe worth to something so subjective?

I've been told I'm a harsh critic, but this is less about literary merit than it is assessing quality as it pertains to the ship. Of course, many of these DO have some kind of literary merit, or, at least, are enjoyable to read. I grade a fic based on the following rubric, let's call it the Four Commandments of Petelyn Fic :

any acts of a sexual nature MUST - and I cannot stress this enough - be consensual. Do what you do, write what you write - I'm not here to police anyone's work. But don't put a pairing in the ship tag if anything that would earn it that slash between the characters' names is happening against either party's will. I simply will not read it. 

Petyr and Catelyn must have AT LEAST 2 face-to-face, one-on-one conversations. If you're going to use that damn slash, it doesn't have to be the principal element of the story, but it better feature in the foreground of the story, at least. It cannot just be a background detail that's mentioned once, off-handedly, at the end of a 63 chapter fic (true story, y'all). Better yet, it should have significant bearing on the plot, not unlike the way the relationship between the two does in canon - but that's a tall order, apparently. 

I alluded to this earlier. As an extensions of the first tenet - I do not want to feel the heat of the writer's hatred for the two characters through the story. So, SO often will people throw this pairing into some kind of canon divergent something or another and thrust them into each other's arms as a punishment for their Crimes in canon. Cat is Big Mean to Jon, so she gets the boot from Ned and ends up with Caricature of Petyr Who Lacks Any And All Nuance That Made The Character Interesting In The First Place to pay for Her Sins. I'm reading a fic because I like the characters, and I like the idea of them together (or, in many a case, him pining after her), not to stand beside someone on their moral high ground as they punish the two with each other. Again, not here to police anyone's work, so if you hate them both and want to take them to task by forcing them into some kind of relationship, be my guest! But don't expect to find your fic listed here. 

I have my own personal preferences (submissive Petyr, as I am not attracted to dominant men and genuinely don't think he would fill the dominant role in this relationship; I'll always prefer to read something requited, but that's even rarer a find; I'm not entirely crazy about AUs but can make exceptions, etc.) but I am trying to keep this as objective as possible. This list includes a pretty wide range of stuff, all of which I've enjoyed enough to reread at least once.

This may all seem like it goes without saying, but you'd be surprised. 

My credentials? A degree in TV and Film. I've read the books, and have studied the first three seasons of Thrones so closely that if I close my eyes I can watch full scenes in my head. I've been writing fic, fiction, television, and short films for 12 years, and reading and watching for nearly twice as long. And, most importantly, I'm a feral goblin who is batshit insane over these two. 

This list features fic from every corner of the internet - AO3, Tumblr, Live Journal. I unfortunately have been very hard-pressed to find anything that suits my fancy on FF.net, but if anybody has any recommendations (in line with the above), I intend for this list to be a living document.

And no, before anyone asks, I do NOT ship Petyr and Sansa. Respectfully, please keep that far the fuck away from me.

So, without further ado, here's a list of a very picky Petyr x Catelyn girlie's favorite fics.

An EXCELLENT starter kit. This is a three-part series that's currently updating. There are other things going on outside of them, but the relationship is essential to the story, thanks to the Cat POV chapters. This was the gateway drug for me way back when I still felt shame for shipping these two, and I love it still to this day. I love this series so much that, when I received the update notification for a particular Catelyn chapter in the middle of my college graduation, I dropped everything to read it. It moves fast, the political landscape is explored thoroughly, the divergence from canon is both plausible and interesting, and if you're not into smut, it's pretty fade-to-black.

Another one I read just after I'd taken the plunge down the rabbit hole. This is a notable exception to my general aversion to AUs - it works here, the real-world transpositions are not only believable, but clever! It features some pretty complex and subversive relationships between the characters; the PxC is certainly a critical, foreground element, but not always in the most immediately obvious way. Definitely had me Giggling and Kicking My Feet throughout. Refreshing is certainly a word. Obligatory smut advisory on this one, though.

Yes, I know, but hear me out. If you want to sample the best of the PxC wares the internet has to offer, you're gonna have to get down and dirty with Google's 'translate website' feature. This one is WORTH IT. I still tear up every time I read this. I have a particular soft spot for it because it reminds me of a short film I wrote/directed in college about my own experience with rejection and first love.

I believe this one is locked (meaning it requires an AO3 account to access), but making an account is both free and worth it. Yes, I know Winds is never coming out, but in my own delulu canon, this is it, this is the book. End series. Roll credits. 

Short as hell, you get the idea, but still fade-to-black if smut isn't your thing. It's hard to find good, dirty fic for this pairing. I do not currently have the mental bandwidth to be the change I wish to see in the world, but I will gladly support anyone with more patience than I.

Another locked one...oh no, I guess you'll just have to make an account.

Locked, again, but you know the drill. I believe it's by the same writer as the above. Always haunted by things that invoke Ewan McGregor's line in Moulin Rouge! - "thank you for curing me of my ridiculous obsession with love."

Not PWP but smut with themes, a favorite subgenre of mine.

Wholesome fluff to temper the fires of the above.

I think this may have been the very first one I ever read. Short and sweet, I revisit it pretty often.

Unfortunately, Tumblr only lets me add ten links at a time, so this is Part I of a multi-part series. I'll keep this post pinned at the top of my blog and add a link to succeeding parts in the comments.

I intend for this to be a living document - if you have any recommendations, my inbox is always open. Happy reading, my fellow PxC shippers :)

[iindigoeyed]

RE: Tumblr shilling out to AI scraping tools

also see @.staff's post.

the news has made its way to me. I've opted out but in true "nothing-on-tumblr-ever-functions" fashion, i just can't rely on that working. Considering the guy who owns tumblr now is also a massive transphobe this is not surprising at all and i expect this will be 2018 Porn Ban-levels of dropping userbase any day now.

So with the rise of AI scraping, I probably won't be posting my art here or, honestly, anywhere at all in the future. There is nowhere left for artists to exist, and nowhere left for fandom to flourish like it used to, and that upsets me. tumblr is not and has not been perfect but this was truly the only last place for the freaks to exist without having to be marketable.

I have dozens, and by dozens i mean hundreds, of inactive blogs lying around on tumblr from over the years. a lot of them have my old art on them. not only do i not have the information to log into them anymore, but a lot of them only exist in reblogs, and exactly how are reblogs of art going to exist under the "pwease dont scwape my awt" thing? Will you be able to check that EVERY blog has opted-out? What about deleted blogs? Inactive ones? The blogs that belong to dead people? You get it. I'm sure I'm not the only one in this boat. you want me to log into what is probably close to a hundred blogs to switch a button that should be OPT-IN to begin with? -- But let's be honest, who's opting in to have their art fucking stolen? No one, and on tumblr especially.

Personally speaking here, I know i don't have a huge following and that's kind of by choice. So you can take what i say with a grain of salt. but as someone who want(ed) to work in the art field and was hoping ai scraping would be a passing trend, this is the nail in my coffin. I give up. I'm not posting art anymore, period. I've dealt with all of this for long enough. Everyone and everywhere is hostile for artists, including other artists, every single website, and now companies and corporations. If this is the future it is fucking bleak. I've made a lot of friends and memories through art, and please don't get me wrong, i am so grateful. But even so, I make no money (not like i ever tried), i don't enjoy the process, and i'm just a drop in the ocean of artists on the internet. Instead i get to worry about: people harassing others over what art they make, art being suppressed in the algorithms, artists being expected to comply with bullshit regulations, companies scraping our hard work to feed back into their dumbfuck machine, and in my case honing my skills for almost a decade with nothing to show for it to my colleagues.

I love art. I love(d) making art, at one point. My philosophy is that art is made to be shared. but if i cannot do one, i cannot do the other. I myself cannot share art safely, ergo i myself have no reason to make it. I'll find a way to do what i love but this is not it.

as for everyone else. i hope you don't give up hope, i hope you keep fighting to fix this. But personally speaking i am done. Look around, look outside. everything is trying to kill us. and the last thing i need is having to worry about whether my art is getting fed into an ai or glazing everything before i post. I know it will get worse. I'm just tired.

[fuck-you-upmusicbracket]

Evermore (Beauty and the Beast)

I was the one who had it all/I was the master of my fate/I never needed anybody in my life/I learned the truth too late/I'll never shake away the pain/I close my eyes, but she's still there

"I was not expecting a Beast song when I went to see this movie. And to have him sing about letting her go and what he’s giving up?! Obvious choice I guess but still, a powerful moment. I cannot listen to this one only once, I always have to play it back. It’s the ultimate “if you love her let her go” it’s the perfect “you don’t know what you have til it’s gone” it’s exactly “finally growing up, but perhaps too late” song. As much as I would prefer to relate to Rapunzel who was trapped in her tower, this song pokes at my mind asking if maybe I’m choosing to waste away in my lonely castle. There’s a whole world out there but he’s never embraced it and now he has had to give up the one person who might have made that world less scary. This song also inspired me to consider what future Beast is looking forward to now. How he has changed his visualization so much since Belle arrived. This song takes Beast’s single line from 1991 and improves our understanding of him infinity."

Anatomy of a Car Crash (Too Small The Limelight)

In ink, we'll write a tragedy/With players star-crossed and you'll read/About it late at night, and cry yourself to sleep/In fiction, lies push conflict/But in real life all they push are people to the edge/A teeter on the ledge

"^Forcing myself to stop there but the bridge of this song makes me insane and then it flows so well into the last chorus and and and...Not only is it a song about some nonspecific great tragedy, and it feels like it was tailored exactly to my tastes (seriously everything from the instrumental to the vocals to the lyrics is just PERFECT to me) but also it is SO OBSCURE. NOBODY ELSE KNOWS ABOUT IT. It was made by a (from what i can tell then relatively popular, but now Pretty Obscure) furry musician over a decade ago and im like. this guys most dedicated fan. Its not on any streaming services or even bandcamp i had to go digging through the internet to find a download link to the album its on. The lyrics arent anywhere so i had to try to transcribe them myself. but this song is SO GOOD and i. hrgrhrgr. song that makes me explode. and oc havers take heed because this song is so blorbo-able I guarantee I will be the only person to submit this song (unless one of my friends does or something) but im asking so politely. this song and the guy who made it HIGHLY deserve more recognition."

[tinogiehd]

they’ve never had a single nuanced critical thought in their lives and they are incapable of understanding the concept of personal discomfort or simply disliking something. to them they live with the black and white twitter mentality that everything is absolutely wrong or absolutely right with no room for ideas being able to coexist simultaneously. they are incapable of processing that they can personally be uncomfortable with something without it being a moral absolute for everyone to follow. they think everything they personally dislike or find uncomfortable has to be justified with being a crime or being completely morally bankrupt. and then their alleged morality and the hills they die on are hypocritical as fuck and just show they have no true backbone and only bend to whatever their mob mentality echo chamber is saying the loudest that week. you see it in them armchair diagnosing tubbo, a STRANGER to them, with autism and when he says he is not autistic, claiming that anybody calling them out is ableist and implying being autistic is inherently bad. you see it in the way their viewpoints flip from week to week. one day dream announces lore that has been planned for months so they create a hashtag against it in response, and later they flip the narrative and claim the lore was damage control in response to the hashtag. one day tommy is a silly child who is incapable of thinking for himself and is being victimized without knowing, the next he’s so strong and they’re glad to see how much he’s grown into an adult. at the end of the day most of what they do and say is simply meant to frame dream in the worst light possible and they finally have something they can use as justification for his permanent condemnation. they’re incapable of just being able to say they dislike something without a moral justification or without claiming something criminal has occurred, so in an attempt at performative activism and claiming they care about victims they use accounts they claim to care about and exploit them to push their own personal agendas and in the process trigger countless people whose voices they refuse to listen to because they do not value any voices that do not agree with them. nothing they say or do has value anywhere but the internet where nobody but their mutual circles will cheer them on. like actually go outside and experience real life i am so fucking serious.

the day that these people understand that things rarely RARELY exist in black and white is the day that I can breathe again. it’s so fucking unhealthy to view everything in either the worst possible light or one that absolves somebody of every trace of wrongdoing. you are ALLOWED to dislike somebody without it being an objective issue of morality. you can be personally uncomfortable with situations or comments made or past political views without projecting your discomfort onto everyone else and presenting it as an objective right and wrong- because it isn’t in 99% of cases. nobody owes you a certain belief just because you have it and you cannot demand somebody see the world through your eyes. that’s just not how things work. and it becomes so painfully clear that morality is a front when you can set it aside because your fav isn’t abiding by the standards that you’ve so deliberately set. 

the echo chamber is so crazy to me, like what the fuck gives you the right to armchair diagnose somebody you’ve never and will never meet with autism, and then call people ableist for taking issue with that. people should be taking fucking issue with that. and the stupid fucking damage control narrative like we have SEEN dream’s damage control play out before, like the january dreamxd lore stream and geoguessr. we have seen examples of it being immediate and poorly planned, usually panic responses to a horrifying situation- which is also what october was. pretending like a lore ending that has publicly been in the works for fawking months was damage control- multiple weeks after the fact- is delusional. i’m sorry. and there’s only so much wiggle room you can give your ccs if you genuinely believe that dream is a criminal or predator. tommy is not a victim or too young to understand; he is an adult surrounded by adults who have been in proximity to predators before and have proven themselves capable of publicly cutting ties with them (cmc). instead of facing the fact that tommy’s morality does not allign with their own, they found a way to use it to once again present dream in the worst possible way because god forbid they accept that nobody fawking cares. 

touch grass. die, maybe. go volunteer at an animal shelter. do something useful with your lives instead of harassing ccs with immensely triggering topics or spinning a narrative about dream being a master manipulator that your ccs clearly disagree with in an effort to protect them from yourselves and your own narrow-minded agenda. 

[dudewhy3]

Writer ask game is a good opportunity to know more about my favourite writers :3

💫🌈🦋🍉🎀💘💞🎈💝🤍💥💋💌

anna i literally love you, you are too nice (╥_╥)♡

💫what is your favorite kind of comment/feedback?

any kind of feedback is my favourite kind really. it can range from a tiny heart to a detailed comment, i love any and all feedback♡

🌈is there a fic that you worked *really fucking hard on* that no one would ever know? maybe a scene/theme you struggled with?

'See You Again' as a whole was one of the hardest things i ever wrote, not only because i had to make sure i pictured all the grieve and yearning right, but also because it hit really close to home. i had to dig deep into my memories to write that, and it honestly made me cry a few times haha

🦋what are you most insecure about when you post a fic?

uuuuh literally everything. what if i didn’t get the characters right? what if my prose is lacking? what is the dialogue comes across as boring? what if my descriptions don’t do the scenary in my head justice? i'm insecure about literally every aspect of my writing, yet here i am. thriving.

🍉in what ways has writing helped you process trauma and/or navigate through your own life?

writing's been an escape for me ever since i was a kid. i find myself writing whenever life gets hard, and lately i've been writing about the hard stuff too instead of avoiding them, which helps put stuff into perspective.

💘Is there any posted fic you want to rework/re-edit/re-write?

yes, the rom-com. once i finish writing it, i'll go back and re-edit it one last time.

💞what's the most important part of a story for you? the plot, the characters, the worldbuilding, the technical stuff (grammar etc), the figurative language

all of those really. they go hand in hand

🎈describe your style as a writer; is it fixed? does it change?

it changes so often. it varies from story to story

💝what is a fic that got a different response than you were expecting?

'Pancake and New Plans'. it was such a silly lil fic, written in literally half an hour and edited in 10 minutes, with my cat sitting on my lap (she also inspired the fic), and now it’s one of my most read fanfics. i didn’t think it'd get more than like 5 kudos, but here we are

🤍what's one fic of yours you think people didn't "get"?

'there for you', which you won’t find anywhere on the internet anymore. people were focusing so much on the romance part it, all the symbolism of it got brushed over. the whole point of the story was that even in your most desperate moments you are not alone, there are peoole who love you, it was a story about a group of desperate teenagers finding love and hope and forgiveness in each other– and all that got brushed over for the romance part and i hated it. i could write a whole essay about this lmao

💥find your least kudos'd fic - say something wonderful about it.

'Triplu A', written in collaboration with Leftie. I had so much fun writing this fic really, it’s one of my favourites. It’s also the very first aruani fic written in romanian on the whole archive!!

💋when you leave comments on a fic, do you want to hear back from the writer?

i love hearing back from them! i can’t say i'm expecting it, as i myself am very bad at responding to comments, but it always makes me happe when i do!

💌share something with us about an up-and-coming work (WIP) that has you excited!

chapter 12 of 'Who painted the sky?' is such. an ecxiting one! i cannot wait to get around to writing it. It's when the rom-com really starts taking off, but i won’t say more :3

🎀give yourself a compliment about your own writing

i left this for last because i... guess i struggle seeing the good stuff in my writing. alright, here goes– cris, i love how organised you are with your craft. yeah that’s it

[rulesforthedance]

Death cw

I saw a dead person lying in the road today who had been hit by a car. There were things about the scene that made it extra horrifying (a dead person lying in the road after being hit by a car is already horrifying), but I won’t describe them. The location and other cues made it likely that this was a houseless person. I feel insane because I can find no mention of this dead person, who died six hours ago--I saw them being dead--anywhere on the internet. The closest thing I can find is a tweet on the TripCheck twitter about a road closure in that location at that time due to a crash. No mention of the dead person (which is not the kind of thing that account mentions, but no mention of them anywhere else either). When a well-connected middle-class chef is run down on a Portland street, there is an immediate uproar, as there should be. When a houseless person is run down on a Portland street, you cannot even find a mention of it happening, anywhere on the internet, six hours later. And over and over this happens, and people don’t change their driving behaviors because we live in a culture of not having basic consideration for other people if it inconveniences you slightly, and this city and Ted Fucking Wheeler continue to treat homelessness as a pest infestation rather than a humanitarian crisis and push people out of where they are camping so they turn to more dangerous locations, and. I am so heartbroken and angry and I don’t know what to do. And I can’t find any mention of this person or the fact that there even was a DEAD PERSON anywhere and it’s making me lose my mind!!!!!

[thegeminisage]

liz. please. can we have one tiny tiny tiny crumb of information about the undisclosed project. i really hope it works out for you and i can't help it, i wanna know! <3

bestie 🥺🥺🥺 ty for asking but this whole thing is SUCH a complex issue and

i can't help it, i wanna know! <3

AAAAAGH this is why i tried not to talk about it bc then i'm torturing people or making them excited because they think i am secretly working on a Really Good Fic and it is not like that. i'm sorry mea culpa mea culpa :( i am begging you all to blacklist it!!!

let me try to explain a little better i am putting it under a cut to hide my shame:

so, the thing i am working on is (i finally admitted it awhile back) a fanfic (NOT original work!!! sorry) BUT it's not a fanfic i am planning to post. ever. this is for a few reasons:

the fic is an act of self-indulgence. i am doing whatever the hell i want without thinking about what it will look like when i post it because i am not posting it. and if you are thinking something very kind like "but liz i trust your taste and i would love to read you writing whatever the hell you want" there are still sooo many problems such as:

if i decide to post it, i will become self-conscious about my decisions and spoil the entire thing. i'm ALREADY a little self-conscious about it even though i am only letting a VERY select group of close and trusted friends read it. so if i decide to post it, or even tell anyone online what it is, it will cease to exist. this is maybe the biggest reason. i can't have people getting all excited about it and asking for details about it and then me spiraling into self-doubt because then it will never be finished and i have tried to write it MANY times in the past two decades and i NEED it to be finished

the second biggest reason is that because i am doing whatever the hell i want, the decisions i'm making are objectively bad. i am not fishing for compliments here, i know these decisions are bad and i know they would be deeply unpopular in the fandom in question (unfortunately if i told you what fandom it was you would know immediately what it is, so i'm not going to do that, but it's not s*pernatural if that makes anyone feel better) and I KNOW i would justifiably get stoned to death by onlookers when they read it. you may think "but liz has written good fics in which the decisions made were ones i liked" (this is also very kind) but that just proves my point. i know what a good decision is and i am making bad ones anyway, on purpose, because i want to.

this presents a a huge problem because this story is extremely, extremely close to my heart, probably closer to my heart than any other story i have ever or will ever work on! and if anyone said even one single mean word about it i would simply pass away on the spot. i simply cannot allow that kind of vulnerability to exist on cas-thee-tiel's internet. to give any passing stranger the power to annihilate me? no way bro

but EVEN IF!!! i got over my baggage we have the final problem: the massive fucking size of this thing.

i'm currently averaging about 9k-10k a chapter (though i do have one 11k chapter, yikes, but also one 8k one - my spreadsheet informs me the actual average is 9761 words), and i know without a doubt that the fic is going to be 36 chapters long. this means the end wordcount could be anywhere from 350k to 400k. that is ENORMOUS. that is GARGANTUAN. this fic is a titan among titans!!! even if people who were NOT a very select group of close and trusted friends actually WANTED to read it, how the fuck would i POST it? as one 350-400k chunk? i would find that deeply unrewarding. i'd post it, and then it would take people weeks to get through, at BEST, and i'd be lucky if there was even a handful who'd make it to the end at all. i'm not normally a person who NEEDS comments to function, but the radio silence i'd get on posting an objectively bad fanfiction which could be up to 400k long would be devastating on a personal level.

so then, what, weekly chapter updates? i find that much more satisfying but HOW? each update would be asking people to read and keep up with ten THOUSAND words a week! nobody has that kind of time! AND it has 36 chapters. if i posted one every week that would be a posting cycle of NINE. MONTHS. almost a YEAR. reading 10k per week for nine months is a BREAKNECK pace. i could alter it a little - post one chapter biweekly or two chapters weekly - but then i am either asking people to keep up with the same fic for a year and a half OR i am asking them to read 20k a week for a still-pretty-long 4.5 months when they can't even keep up with dracula daily. like?????

so yeah, there are absolutely people who follow me & my fic who would LOVE to gush at me about this thing (and there might even be people who have listened to me talk enough to have figured out what it is by now, though i really hope not lol) and i am BEYOND humbled and grateful that i even have that kind of audience when i am just out here writing fake shit about other people's ocs, but i am just Totally Stumped as to how to even like. do anything at all with that.

to partially answer your question, though, yes, it is in fact working out for me! like, the ONLY reason i even make posts about it on tumblr (which is normally partially a publicity stunt because i do still LIKE comments) is because i am simply So Excited I Can't Not Talk About It. every minute i spend working on it is a hit of pure undiluted dopamine and According To My Spreadsheets at this rate i'll be writing until at least autumn of next year. it makes me unreasonably happy to sit down and chip away at this thing (i currently have just finished chapter 6 out of 36) and i look forward to being able to do so with a passion and desire heretofore unknown to human kind. it's the first thing i think of when i wake up in the morning and the last thing i think about when i go to sleep at night. it makes me want to be alive. better still it makes me want to get out of BED. i have woken up 2 and 3 hours before my alarm goes off of my own volition MULTIPLE times for the sole purpose of working on this fanfiction. so there is that!

i do wish i knew how to share it with you guys in a way that was feasible!!! cuz i know it must really suck to listen to an author you like talk about a fic you aren't allowed to read. it is not even remotely an ideal situation and i do my best to make it sound as boring as possible when i bring it up because to most people it REALLY would be. but this is where i'm at. perhaps next year when i'm all done with it and don't have to worry about it vanishing into the ether of my own insecurities anymore things will change, but i can't consider that possibility because then it will vanish into the ether of my own insecurities. i hope you can understand :( but thank you for being interested anyway, it really is so sweet that anyone would want to know <3

[mbat]

i think i made a post before but i cant find it but literally its funny as hell seeing people be like 'this show curses too much!' about those two shows (which this post is NOT about istg dont start discourse) but also people are rightfully fighting back about every single websites abysmal censoring system where people arent allowed to say things like 'dead' or 'suicide' or other topics like that despite them being both basic facts of life and also important conversations to have

its especially clear on channels and accounts where they consistently talk about crime cases, or generally serious topics. i follow several channels like that on youtube, and almost every single one doesnt dare say the words that literally are the word for what theyre discussing, because their fragile sponsorships dont like it, or youtube doesnt like it, and its like. are you actually fucking kidding me. and its genuinely a shock when they actually say these words.

and i dont use tiktok very often, and when i do its usually just videos of people making art, but its hard to avoid seeing tiktoks on other social media, and how people will censor words to hell and back so that their video isnt shadowbanned or whatever those stupid words are to mean 'this video is fucked and youre fucked for making it'

im sick of seeing people have to say shit like unalive and self unaliving TO DISCUSS BASIC FACTS OF LIFE. people die. people kill themselves. yes its fucking awful and depressing and terrifying, but its beyond a joke to act like its something to hide away from.

its also extremely important that we do talk about these things, and talk about them like real people do, because of how often they happen, and how serious they are.

do you know the amount of times ive seen people unironically say the word unalive outside of these places? or people come to tumblr and they say it here because they think that you cant say those words here? its embarassing.

the internet is becoming increasingly more corporate ideal and its gross. i cannot put into words how much i hate how the internet feels like one continuous corporate website. i miss how the internet was back when i first started using it, even if it was the wild west and extremely far from a place a child shouldve been. and even then i was on an internet that wasnt anything like how it was even a decade previous to that, what would be about 20 years ago now, where the internet was even more of a wild west.

i dont like that we have to bend a knee to the wants of corporations just to exist on this thing that once felt magical. the place where every person ever has the possibility to be connected from anywhere, see and experience things they never could without it

and yet here we are not even being able to say things that people do experience every day. its just disgusting.

im not advocating that there be 0 lines to cross, theres still things that should be like 'hey maybe dont say or do that', but im talking the things that literally hurt no one.

so sure, say what you will about those shows, maybe i agree, but i really dont give a single shit about the discourse or any of that. and yeah maybe they do say shit and fuck a little bit much, but holy hell are they at least allowed to say it, and its a breath of fresh air to me, and thats also just embarassing.

[virtualduckbrigade]

i think the thing that gets me the most about stupid ass internet discourse about the moral purity of using the objects that are fictional characters as meabs and modes of sexual pleasure is that the excuses that people who are against it and think thought crimes are a thing are so *fucking ablist about it*. Like let me be clear, a solid 95% of people who are into that kind of shit are trauma survivors/victims. We get into it sexually as a way for our brains to cope with the traumatic events that happened to us. To make things that WERE and ARE *fucking terrifying*, things that keep us up at night in fear, not only palpitable, but pleasurable. AND SINCE ITS ALL FICTIONAL-- no one is actually getting hurt!!!! we can recontextualize our feelings in a way that is safe to LITERALLY everyone! and guess what! as long as you can still enjoy sex without the need to think about your fucked up kink, youre actually fine!! in fact, youre normal and healthy!!

Now, dont get me wrong. I DO think that if you make art about it, it needs to be tagged and posted places where minors cant get at it, because some people do get into certain things because of a minor(as in small and not underage) trauma around having unsupervised internet access too early minor(as in underage and not small), and thats what we're starting to see pop up around now with a lot of folks; but either way, if it is tagged and filterable, YOU, yes you, are the one responsible for curating your internet experience and if you dont know how to, frankly you shouldnt be anywhere outside of a search engine online. digressing from that too, if you filter out the things that you dont want to see and are triggering to you because you healed in a different way, you are 100% valid in doing so, so long as youre not screaming at the people who are healing in other ways that theyre "doing it wrong" because then, really what that says is that youre NOT healed. Because if you were healed, you wouldnt care what other people do if no real living person/animal was getting hurt.

You are not entitled to anyone elses personal information, when you go online. Some people might even be doing things to make it look like whatever is wrong with them ISNT wrong with them. You saying "anyone who does this is a freak and a pervert and a pedo who needs to be shunned from society" isnt helpful. it doesnt stop it. The only thing youve done is assert that "hello. i am an ablist and absolutely NOT a safe space for ANYONE who has any desire to heal from their trauma-related disorder. In fact I hope you die instead. You should be absolutely nothing but ashamed of what happened to you and the well-documented psychological responses it left your developing brain with". Like i get it, its fun to shit on Freud because 95% of the time the things coming out of his mouth were batshit. But Freud Was Right about A Lot Of Things. Specifically about Developmental Trauma and things people find uncontrolably sexually arousing down the road. AND AS LONG AS YOU CAN RECONTEXTUALIZE THAT AROUSAL TO *ONLY FICTION*, YOU ACTUALLY HELP *SOLVE THE PROBLEM*!!

and dont even get me STARTED on people with OCD who LITERALLY cannot move on from fucked up intrusive thoughts after they have them, or after someone makes a comment like, say, this post. All youve done is make them feel horrible too, over things that arent true and arent hurting them. Or the folk who suffer from delusions, who will believe more people are out to get them than the amount they thought prior.

Youre not "proctecting kids" or whatever the fuck, because if you WERE, you'd be lobbying for not only more therapy and better sex ed, but also better control over our collective internet experiences including advertising-free safe spaces for kids, and more massive archives of free well-tagged and correctly-tagged sometimes pornographic art something similar to ao3! but youre NOT. Youre projecting a belief not dissimilar to the religous trauma some people experience growing up that is only going to serve to blow up the issue and get more people to look at more fucked up shit online, earlier.

Youre not "taking a stance and stopping pedos", youre in the denial stage of your own minor(as in small) traumas because theres no safe spaces on the internet anymore since social media and capitalism fucked all of us, and the people with Major traumas dont have anywhere else to recontextualize that shit in a safe way anymore.

[northwest-cryptid]

(sending it as an ask because I'm not sure if it was okay to reply to the post about kink directly since it was tagged personal, so you can choose to ignore it)

There's a lot of… equating discomfort with danger when it comes to this taboo. "It makes me upset, therefore it's bad" I'm not a kinky person, and there's a wide number of kinks that make me uncomfortable, but at the end of the day, those engaging in them are responsible for their own safety and don't hurt anyone else. I can just choose not to get in their business and go about my day. And it's also true that not being informed about kink and how to navigate them can lead to accidents (or, in some cases, bad actors taking advantage of more naive individuals). It's in this weird state where, after coming to terms with having a kink and living with it, you have to find people and a space where you can learn about safety, but it's not socially acceptable so that search is on your own. From what i've seen, there's a ton of emphasis on safety and consent, and the weird toxic dynamics have been from people who want the spice of kink but "ew not like them" so they never learn to do it safely. They never engage with a community. Though, well, I assume with the internet it should be easier to find that information...? hard to say.

Anyways yeah society is weird about physiological stuff sometimes, specially about sex.

You are absolutely fine to comment on my stuff, friendo!

And yea I absolutely agree with this! I think a big thing with all this as well is honestly just a matter of also like, "there's a time and place for everything but it doesn't have to be all the time and anywhere" it's something I often tell people when kink topics do come up. As far as I see it, discussion of such things being a huge social taboo does lead to a general lack of sexual knowledge and that can lead to potential harm. However, I also feel like the comfort of everyone (not just those who we may deem victims but yes, literally everyone) needs to be taken into account. As you said you're generally uncomfortable with such topics I wouldn't wish to openly or publicly speak on such matters in a group where someone such as yourself may be made genuinely uncomfortable with such discussion. Especially considering that we don't know the reasons for such feelings and could easily end up accidentally triggering a trauma response. I remember an old friend specifically going off about his enjoyment of rather extreme bdsm and as an abuse survivor who was literally stabbed for "misbehaving" you can likely understand that discussion of knives and bloodplay are REALLY not the sort of things I feel comfortable discussing. Unfortunately given the general acceptance of "hoho it is so hot if a girl could kick my ass" as a sort of kink, those sorts of things are often discussed openly around me and any potential protest from me is often ignored outright.

I was once told there was a fine line between understanding someone's boundaries and respecting them, and just being shut down for discussion of "taboo topics" which to be honest I disagree with, I think that line is pretty fucking thick, like thicc with two Cs and a Q. Because someone actually feeling uncomfortable due to personal history, emotional connections with things, or trauma and some pearl clutching Karen are two EXTREMELY different things and I do personally believe that if we are to move forward and accept sex topics as something not entirely disgusting and taboo we need to understand and respect the boundaries that others may set for themselves that come with that.

I do really appreciate the additional commentary on this, it's always nice to hear other's perspectives on this topic since I otherwise cannot learn where I may be wrong. Plus you're cool so like, you know it's always nice to hear from you

[bucksfucks]

an indefinite hiatus ♥︎

hey friends, to start let me just say that i will summarize all of my rambling at the end so you can just scroll down to it, besties.

before i begin, i just want to say thank you to each and every single person who has ever liked, reblogged, read, or interacted with this blog. this has been a wonderful chapter of my life and i don’t think i can put into words how meaningful all of our interactions have been!

i’ve had this blog for almost 2 years, but i have been on tumblr since 2014, so too fucking long one could argue. basically, tumblr has become a very large part in my life (YIKES). so i’ll try to put into words how i feel:

i am exhausted, drained, and completely and utterly burnt out.

there was a time where i could pump out stories after stories while answering asks and doing au days while juggling everything else, but i no longer have the mental energy for that. and it is to no one’s fault but my own—i did this to myself.

as many of you know, i’m a graduate student. i’m at the end of my masters and truthfully, i have no fucking idea what i want to do after. i haven’t decided if i can manage a phd (or if it’s worth it) or if i want to take time off or jump right into a job.

but what i do know, is that i need a break.

before august of 2021, i was really active on this blog and i think many of you remember those days and truth be told…i miss being able to be on here as much as i once was!

in all honesty, i’ve hit a creative roadblock. i love bucky barnes and i love marvel, just not like before. something shifted a little while back and i haven’t felt inspired to write something i enjoyed.

i took a bit of a break a few weeks ago and before that, i wasn’t on here very much at all. that felt nice. it was refreshing and something that i clearly and very desperately needed.

i also realized that i want to do more than write pure smut. now please let me clarify; i love writing filthy and sinful things. but i want to explore other areas such as character and world building. so, maybe that’s something i’ll pursue after some time as well.

WHAT’S HAPPENING TO FAKING IT?

this is a story that i really like writing and while i cannot PROMISE to update it….any updates will be done on my a03.

this leads me into the next point: what’s happening to the blog and my writing?

this blog will NOT go anywhere. it will remain up and i will NOT take down any of my stories (though i will transfer them slowly onto my a03). that being said, please do not copy, save or plagiarize any of my work in my absence.

i might come back, though, most likely not on here. if i do, it will be under a new blog and if you happen to find me later on i promise you’ll know it’s me.

masterlist | masterlist ii. | my a03

to finish…i guess i’ve been feeling this way for a really long time, but i’ve been desperately holding onto this blog for some unknown reason. this is my safe space and i always knew that i could come back, but today, i got a sign that it was time.

please remember to protect your mental health first. take time for you and focus on yourself always. i want everyone to know that i have loved being besties with anyone and everyone who interacted with me. i mean it. so many of you are such wonderful, genuine people with hearts so big it makes me feel like the luckiest person on the internet.

this is becoming too long for no reason other than i’m a virgo. so. let me wrap this up real quick <<3

TL;DR — i’m blipping out. nothing will be deleted. i may come back (not on this blog). i’ll always be a slut for bucky. i love u all oh so very much. thank you for absolutely everything.

i would tag mutuals but…that feels weird. idk. i have this weird idea in my head that i’m a burden (something i need to work on) so if you’re seeing this and you’re my mutual…lots of forehead kisses for you!

side note: this is oddly something i’m struggling to do. to leave this blog—i’m hesitating. but i know i need to do this. so here i am, ripping off the bandaid.

much much love,

nora.

[journal-number-3]

Ok I'm finally home from work so I can finally tell everyone what happened to me on Twitter

So we all heard the artist that got harassed bc they drew horror art for cdream and ctommy? If not- essentially they got a dream follow and smiletwt got salty.

I, like a fool, decided to but my head in. I qrted this with a cropped screenshot of dreams boundaries on harassment

And look I'll admit- this is a little salty. Also my phone destroyed the quality of the pic. But I was tired, I have like 10 followers, and figured no one would care. And fuck was that a mistake!

So like, at first it was just people kinda making fun of the quality.

Look I'm neurodivergent, so I thought these were all lighthearted. I'm looking back and realizing that no, they aren't. It's kinda like in elementary when people would make fun of me and I just. Wouldn't realize.

But at the time it was Haha ok whatever But then the death threats stared rolling in. And it wasn't very funny anymore.

Suddenly I have literally over 100 qrts either mocking me or literally telling me to die. Not to mention the private quote retweets that I cannot read which probably contain much worse.

Probably the grossest was the person who posted dreamnoblade fanart, which made me want to vomit. At of respect for techno won't be posting screenshots here, though I do have them if no one believes me. I'll also add that I'm a minor, and one of the pics was nswf. But my Twitter does not have that anywhere so they couldn't have known, though you really shouldn't do that to any stranger.

If you're wondering why my display name changed in these pics, thats because I had to change it. I jokingly made it "smiletwt number one enemy" after this ramped up and someone said this

I highlighted the time because someone later said I got dogpiled because of my name but this isn't true.

I continued to defend myself but ended up getting private qrted a bunch and was anxious.

I've hit the image limit and this is basically the end of the story. But fuck that was awful. Funny but awful. I was laughing through it, but in the back of my mind I was terrified of being doxxed. I post very little to twitter, but what if they found my Tumblr or my TikTok- where I post a lot more and they could maybe find a slip up. I've never been happier I took those internet privacy lessons to heart.

I can't stress enough, this was all because I pointed out you shouldn't harass people on dreams behalf. Maybe I was to salty, maybe I should have just shut up. I don't know I'm still reeling from this.

I appreciate the people who defended me, and I definitely appreciate those who made higher quality versions of my screenshot. I'd give you all a hug if I could. Goodnight