#but I let your anger cloud me and let myself believe I was wrong just because you were angry

[insanechayne]

~ ~ ~

[marivoid]

Entry 35

Day 228

Scott.

The same Scott who was supposed to no longer be here. The same Scott who had gone missing in our G.U.I.D.E.- The same Scott who had dark blonde hair the last time I saw him. Somebody who didn't have blue-tinted skin and an icy stare.

Somebody who didn't have ANTLERS of all things.

All I could do was stare. That was all I did. I just took in the face of the man who... that was my best friend. But it's been ten years. By the Watchers, I wish I knew what happened to him.

"You are not supposed to be here, Martyn."

His voice had changed too. Rougher. More defensive.

"And you are supposed to be in the G.U.I.D.E, but here you are. You're changed. You're not..."

"Not what? Not normal? Not that stupid, aloof boy who ran around the G.U.I.D.E with my head so far up in the clouds I couldn't tell reality from fiction?"

A sigh had escaped my lips back then. I wish it didn't. "You were never aloof, Scott. You were incredibly smart and witty and could do so many wonderful things- But then you left. You vanished in the middle of the night. You left the G.U.I.D.E! You left the people you were supposed to help- You left... You left me!"

"NOT WILLINGLY!" His hands slammed against his chest. "Look at me, Martyn! Does it look like I left willingly?! Those damned Watchers, feeding your brain- I bet you still believe everything they told you too!" The world around us had gotten quiet. People were looking.

And the "Jimmy" guy finally stepped in between us.

"Scott- Scott, hey, you don't need to tell him anything." He was definitely trying his best to keep the peace. But I've been told that I'm one stubborn bastard.

"No, actually, I think you do!" Jimmy's wing -Golden and soft and organic- stopped me in my path. "Scott, you left the night of your birthday! You left after freaking- You KISSED me, damnit! And then left! I thought you had died!"

"I WAS TAKEN YOU DUMBASS!" His hands got more blue with... With ice. Ice that he should have never had.

"Scott, you really don't need to do this, you know it makes you upset-"

"OH REALLY?! WERE YOU?! THAT SOUNDS LIKE A HELL OF A LOT OF BULLSHIT TO ME!" I shouldn't have yelled back then. Especially with Brian cawing the way he was.

"I WAS! THE WATCHERS ARE NOTHING BUT AN EVIL GROUP THAT JUST WANTED TO TORMENT US!" He was crying now. I, ME, I made him cry. Over ten years and I made him cry. But my anger was still speaking for me.

"And why would they want to hurt us, Scott?! They gave us everything!"

"They took away everything from us, what do you mean?!"

"ENOUGH!" Pearl's voice. I was pushed back from Scott while Jimmy stood in front of Scott like he was something that needed to be protected.

Needed to be protected from ME.

I should have been the one to protect him. I shouldn't have made him scared, but I did.

"Both of you are acting childish- You both are taking this out of my Emporium. Now!"

And that was how we got kicked out. And yet Jimmy was still protecting Scott.

Even when we left the Emporium and were finally in a quiet place... I still let myself be dumb. I wish Brian poked my head more often for my dumbass-ery at that moment.

"I thought you were dead."

"I'm not."

"They told me you left- That you hated the G.U.I.D.E and wanted to let yourself die in the wastelands. I... Didn't want to believe them."

"You did. Didn't you?"

My silence was the wrong answer.

"Martyn. You're a dumbass. You're a stubborn dumbass who never thinks things through. Why the hell would you even come out here?"

I held my arm up for him. His stunned expression... I wish it hadn't been with tears in his eyes. "A year after you left, a virus ran rampant. Killed everyone. Took my arm. I had to slice it off before it destroyed me." Scott's and Jimmy's shared silence let me continue. "Had to make a prosthetic. It was absolutely dog water. Held up for a while though. A couple of years. But then I had to make another one. And another... And another. It was okay for a while! Wish you had been there, Scott, would have been really nice to have my best friend with me to keep me sane but hey! Shit happens.

I made a fourth one when these... Bandits broke in. Took everything in there. I had to leave. I've been out here for almost a whole year now. Trying to find the Doctor. Give me an arm that will actually last." When I looked at Scott, his eyes were so... Empty. Void of anything. "When you left, everything changed. I became the Admin of the G.U.I.D.E. I got to read so many books- Things that I wanted to share with you!"

"I never said you had to be Admin, Martyn! I never even hinted at it!"

"I did it for you, Scott! Damnit, I did it so you and I could have been happy together! Unlimited access to everything, keep the G.U.I.D.E healthy and strong- We wanted that!"

"YOU wanted that, Martyn!" His hands collided with my chest. Gods I wish I wasn't so angry. I wish I had held his hands. I wished I hadn't gotten so headstrong. "Those were your dreams! I just wanted to be happy with you! That's why the Watchers took me away!"

More tears. His face turned an ugly shade of purple and ice crawled along my torso. I still have frost burn on my chest from it.

"That's... That can't be why. Why would they take you away just because you made me happy? That's stupid! That's absolutely stupid to even suggest-"

"Because you're too dumb to realize what they were getting at! We were just players in a game for them, Martyn!"

Jimmy stepped in. Again. And this time I didn't get a chance to speak. Not with a feathered wing shoved in my mouth.

"Scott. Enough. You don't owe this guy anything. Come on. Let's get home."

Two pairs of eyes glared at me as they walked away. One pair that I wish I'd been more calm with. I wish that I had just pushed down that rush of anger- Goodness-

His pen hit the paper with a loud shout. "GOD DAMNIT!" He held his head in his hands as he stared at the unfinished entry. "God damnit. I fucked up. I... Fucked up so much." A caw. "Yeah, I know. Big time."

Martyn didn't even bother to sign the entry. He shut the leather journey and tucked it away in his backpack. "I don't think I'll ever see him again either. He'll never forgive me. By the Watchers... What did he mean by that? Taken?? Nobody gets taken for making somebody else happy! That's just ludicrous!"

Another unamused caw.

"Yeah, yeah, I know. Stupid." He collapsed onto the incredibly hard bed and let out a groan. "Ow... Forget these things are practically concrete..."

A cawing-like laughter from the bird.

"Oh ha ha. Very funny Brian."

Martyn rolled onto his stomach and stared at the comm. The reflection disgusted him. That reflection was him. "I need to find him again. I... I need to apologize to him, Brian. It's been almost fourteen years. I need to make things right by him. I need to hear him out, find out what happened to him. I made it sound like it was HIS fault for the G.U.I.D.E collapsing."

Another caw. Much louder.

"I know. Pretty shit of me. He's... He looks like he's been through a lot as well. He didn't have those antlers. Didn't have blue skin. He's... I've messed up so much."

Another quiet caw, followed by a trill. Martyn didn't bother to move as a weight made itself comfortable against Martyn's side.

"Didn't know you'd be a cuddly fella." His hand traced the bird's head while a quiet coo escaped its metallic beak. "Warning, I might move a lot in my sleep. Don't peck me if I end up rolling over."

Another caw and an unamused look.

"Just a warning, little fella." A yawn escaped his lips. "G'night, Brian. Sleep well."

Martyn was out before the bird could chirp again.

(@hermitadaymay )

[tayytae]

You should do one where bill fuckes a Freader and overstimulates her cause he’s so sexually frustrated till she uses a safe word and then he takes care of her like a princess 🫶 I love your writing you just might be my new fav writer 🧏‍♂️ if your not comfortable you defs don’t have to do it <3

AW THANK UUU!!?? I LOVE U

“Melody of Frustration”

Synopsis: Bill, who comes home angry after a disappointing band practice where he kept messing up his singing. His bandmates' teasing adds to his frustration, leading him to take his anger out on his girlfriend..

BRO IK THIS ISNT EXACTLY WHAT U WANTED- BUT I REALLT NEED TO PIST I FEEL BAD (NOT PROOF READ)

Bill stormed into the house, his face flushed with anger and frustration. He had just come from a disastrous band practice where his singing had been off-key and filled with mistakes. To make matters worse, his bandmates had teased him mercilessly, poking fun at his missed notes and laughing at his expense.

As soon as he entered the living room, he saw his girlfriend sitting on the couch, reading a book.

“Hey," I greeted him with a smile, unaware of his mood.

Bill scowled and tossed his shoes off and onto the floor. "Don't 'hey' me," he snapped, his voice sharp with irritation.

I looked up, surprised by his tone. "What's wrong, Bill?"

He paced back and forth, running a hand through his hair. "Everything's wrong! I can't believe how awful I sounded at practice, and then those idiots won't let me forget it."

I frowned, concern clouding my features. "I'm sorry, babe. That sounds really tough."

"You have no idea," Bill muttered, still seething with anger.

Suddenly, without thinking, he lashed out at me. "And what are you doing just sitting there? Why don't you ever understand how I feel?!"

I recoiled slightly, hurt evident in her eyes. "I do understand, Bill. I'm here for you, always."

He immediately regretted his harsh words, realizing he had unfairly taken his anger out on the person who cared about him the most. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. I'm just so frustrated."

I nodded, a small smile returning to my face. "It's okay, Bill. We all have our moments. But remember, I'm on your side no matter what."

Bill took a deep breath, feeling a weight lift off his shoulders. "I know, and I'm grateful for that. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

I reached out and took his hand, squeezing it gently. "You don't have to make it up to me, Bill. Just know that I'm here to support you, even on your bad days."

Bill looks at you with teary eyes, his expression full of gratitude and love. "Thank you, love. That means everything to me. I don't deserve you." He leans in and presses his lips against yours gently. "I'm lucky to have you in my life."

I felt Bill’s hands grab me by the waist and pull me closer, then trailed his hands down to my ass. I let out a slight moan as our kiss continued to grow more rough and demanding.

Feeling my body respond to his touch, Bill deepens the kiss, his tongue exploring every inch of my mouth as his hands squeeze my ass firmly. "God, I want you so fucking bad,"

“Gonna make it up to you love, I promise..” Bill said, just above a whisper as he removed his lips and attached them to my neck.

Bill trails kisses down my neck, nipping at my skin lightly as his hands roam up my body, reaching for the hem of my shirt. He pulls it up over my head, revealing my bare chest and gasps at the sight. "You're absolutely breathtaking, my love."

I covered myself with my arms, a bit embarrassed and shyness of my body takes over; despite Bill’s compliment. Bill notices my hesitation and immediately pulls my hands away from my body, holding them gently in his. "No, don't hide yourself from me, love. You're perfect in every way. I want to see all of you, but only if you're comfortable."

I nod and then glance up at his towering figure, “Please.. I need you.”

Bill's eyes darken with desire as he takes in my words. "Thank god, because I need you too." He swiftly removes his own shirt, revealing his toned chest and abs, before moving his hands to my pants. "May I?"

I nodded again, my eyes watching his movements intensely as i felt my legs get hotter. Bill slowly undoes my pants, sliding them down my legs along with my underwear until i’m standing in front of him completely naked.

“Fuck, you're gorgeous." He leans down and presses a kiss to your stomach, causing you to shiver at the sensation.

With a swift motion, Bill carefully lays me down on the couch, his eyes drinking in every inch of my body as he kneels between my legs. "You're so fucking beautiful." He leans down and presses a kiss to your inner thigh, causing me to gasp at the sensation.

“Oh, bill-“ I couldn’t finish my sentence as I felt his lips suck my clit. My hands gripping his hair as I throw my head back in pleasure.

Bill smirks against my skin, his tongue swirling circles around my clit as he sucks gently. He uses his fingers to tease my entrance, occasionally sliding a finger inside to prepare me for what's to come. "You taste so fucking good, love. Better than I even imagined."

Bill groans against my skin at the feeling of my thighs tightening around his face, the vibrations only adding to my pleasure as he continues to suck and tease my clit with his tongue. "Mmm fuck, you're so fucking wet. And for me, all mine."

I’ve been occasionally moaning, but at this rate im whimpering and letting out loud moans as his fingers move faster in me, curling them to my g-spot with such good memory.

Bill smirks against my skin, his fingers moving faster and faster inside of me as he continues to suck and lick at my clit, his memory serving him well as he expertly curls his fingers to hit your g-spot. "Fuck, come for me beautiful.”

I clenched around his digits as I let out a loud moan, my white juice coating his fingers.

Bill's smirk widens as he pulls his fingers out of me, watching as my white juice coats his fingers. He brings them up to his mouth and sucks them clean, his eyes never leaving yours as he savors the taste. "Mhm- you taste amazing.”

I glance up at him with tired eyes, before bill quickly unbottons his pants and pulls down his jeans; along with his boxers.

Bill's cock springs free, already hard and ready for me. He steps out of his pants and boxers before climbing back onto the couch with me, positioning himself between my legs. "Do you want me to fuck you, baby?"

I nod as I wrap my legs around him, “Fuck Bill, I would want nothing more.” my red cheeks becoming more noticeable as I smile slightly.

Bill lines himself up with my entrance before slowly pushing inside of me, giving a low groan at the feeling of my tightness surrounding him. "Fuck, you always feel so good. But right now, I need to fuck you hard and fast.”

At that moment, Bill speeds up his pace and fucks me dumb. My face completely twists as I feel every inch of him in me. “Mm- Bill!” I moaned, my hands resting on his chest as he takes me rough.

Bill grips onto my hips, pulling me against him with each thrust as he fucks me hard and fast. He watches as my face contorts with pleasure, the moans that leave my lips driving him wild. "God damn, you're so fucking tight. You wasting my cock like that?"

I nod, moans and whimpers leaving my mouth. His name being repeated and repeated, as if it’s the only word i’d ever known.

Bill groans as he feels me starting to tighten around his cock, my moans and whimpers driving him even closer to the edge. He speeds up his pace, fucking me even harder and faster as he feels himself getting closer. "I'm gonna cum, baby. Cum with me."

As if I could tell the future, my juices cover his dick and a ring appears at the bottom of his cock. A loud moan escapes my mouth as I gripped onto his shoulders.

Feeling me tighten around him and my juices coating his cock sends Bill over the edge. He groans loudly as he releases himself inside of me, the ring at the bottom of his cock pulsing as he fills me with his release. "Fuck, baby..”

Bill's breathing is heavy as he collapses on top of me, his sweaty forehead pressed against mine. He pant from the intense orgasm that just ran through him and rest his weight on me. "Shit, babe..”

“Y-You still mad..?” I panted through my heavy breathing.

Bill chuckles and tilts his head to press a soft kiss on my lips before answering. "No, I'm not mad anymore. That dumbass band practice just had me heated, but seeing you like this... It takes all the anger away and just leaves me wanting to give you more..”

I nod, Bill leaning over and kissing the top of my head.

“Round 2?..”

—

BYE BRO I LOVE THIS LOWKKKKK

Ok so like i havent posted ina minute.. so idk

[juniormint1125]

It's All For the Best - Part 3

It’s All For the Best - Part 3

Kim Hongjoong x Reader

Summary: Reader and Hongjoong are in an established relationship when something unexpected tests the strength of their bond.

Word Count: Part 1 - 1,628 / Part 2 - 3,894 / Part 3 - 3,495

Genre: fluff, angst

Warnings/Contains:

Part 1 –allusions to sex

Part 2 - unplanned pregnancy, mention of abortion

Part 3

You wake in the morning and find Hongjoong sitting up in bed beside you. He’s staring out he window, your phone in his hand. He hears you stirring and turns to face you.

“Why do you have so many messages from Seonghwa, Y/N?”

You sit up. His tone is stern and there’s no humor in his expression. You feel like a child being scolded by her father. But you’ve done nothing wrong.

“He just wanted to talk. I already told him it would have to wait until some other time.”

“What does he want to talk about?”

“I don’t know,” you lie. You can’t tell him what Seonghwa actually wants. Hongjoong turns on you. He’s becoming exasperated with your vague answers.  

“What do you mean you don’t know? I think you’re lying, Y/N. Something is going on here, I know it. What are you hiding from me?”

You thought you’d been a good liar, but he knows you too well. You try to compose yourself, but you stumble over your words. It only makes him more suspicious.

“I…I’m not hiding anything from you.”

“Damn it, Y/N.” He’s yelling, which is completely out of character. “Are you…are you seeing him behind my back? Is that why you didn’t want to…”

He stops. His face is clouded with hurt and dismay.

You’re baffled by Hongjoong’s response. You’ve never seen Seonghwa as anything more than a friend. And you would never cheat on Hongjoong. He’s the man of your dreams, virtually perfect in every way. Where he would have gotten such a ridiculous idea. And you tell him so.

“That’s insane.”

He jumps up from the bed, pacing beside it. You’ve never seen him as frantic as he looks standing before you now.

 “I’m not crazy! I saw the two of you yesterday. The way he looked at you and the way…the way he touched you.” His face flushes crimson and he looks away.

“It was nothing, Joongie. I swear to you.”

His anger has turned to anguish. “If it’s really nothing, then why won’t you tell me? You’re keeping something from me Y/N!”

You are lying to him, but it’s not about Seonghwa. And you can’t tell him the truth because you’ll lose him. If you lose him, you’ll fall apart.

“There’s nothing going on between Seonghwa and me. Please, Joongie. I promise.”

“That’s bull shit!” he curses again. “I’ll just ask him myself. Since you won’t tell me the truth.”

“No!”

You panic and grab his arm desperately. If he asks Seonghwa, he’ll tell him the truth. He won’t be able to lie to Hongjoong and you can’t let that happen. He jerks away from you.

“Why not? Are you afraid he’ll tell me the truth? Are you afraid I’ll find out what’s really going on?”

“There’s nothing going on between us! Don’t you trust me?” You’re yelling now too. And frustrated that you can’t make him believe you. You’re lying, so you really have no right to expect him to trust you. You’re disgusted with yourself.

“Trust goes both ways, Y/N,” he replies bitterly. “If there’s nothing suspicious going on, you should trust me enough to tell me the truth.”

He’s dampening your resolve. You want to tell him the truth to keep him from calling you a liar and to keep him from thinking you’re a cheater. But you can’t let your secret out. You have to keep the truth hidden. He cannot find out that you’re pregnant.

You’re utterly defeated. “I do trust you, Hongjoong.”

“Then prove it,” he challenges you. “What does Seonghwa want to talk to you about?”

You hang your head and sigh. What if there could be a chance that you’re wrong? What if Hongjoong really would stay with you despite a baby he didn’t want? You start to speak, but the words are stuck in your throat.

“I guess that’s all the proof I need, Y/N.”

He throws on his clothes. You try to call to him, to stop him. You try to get up and run to him before he can walk out. But your fear of him finding out is too overwhelming and keeps you rooted in your place.

“Where are you going?” you finally manage to squeak out.

He turns to look at you before opening the door. “I need some space.”

When the door slams behind him, you burst into tears. The worst-case scenario has become reality and Hongjoong doesn’t even know about the baby yet. Nothing can make the situation better. There’s nothing that can stop his life from being ruined. Nothing except you leaving.

You wipe your tears with the back of your hand and muster all your courage to get out of bed. You spend the morning packing your things. You’re going back to Korea. You can disappear and everything will be fine. Hongjoong will get over you. He’ll never know about the baby. This is all for the best.

When you’re walking out of the hotel room, you call Seonghwa. He’s been calling you for the last two hours and you can’t avoid him any longer.

The phone rings and he immediately answers. “Where have you been Y/N? I’ve been trying to call you. What the hell is going on?”

“What do you mean?” you ask.

“Hongjoong. He came to my room enraged and yelling at me to tell him what’s going on between us. I didn’t know what he was talking about. He was furious and wouldn’t listen to anything I said. Thankfully Jongho was here. He talked him down and got him out of my room. What happened to him?”

“I’m so sorry, Hwa. I had no idea he would really do that.”

“You knew he was coming here?”

“He saw us talking yesterday. He thinks there’s something going on between us. I couldn’t tell him what we were really talking about. He threatened to confront you, but I didn’t know he would really go there when he stormed out.”

“He’s a complete mess, Y/N. You have to tell him the truth.”

“I can’t. And that’s why I’m leaving. I’ve already left the hotel. I’m on my way to the airport.”

“Where are you going?” he asks.

“I’m going home. When I get there, I’m moving out of our apartment. I can’t stay with Hongjoong. I’m ruining his life. He can’t do his job like he’s supposed to because of me. To make his life better, I’m taking myself out of the equation.”

“You’re just going to leave without telling him?

“I’ve already left. And anyway, what choice do I have? He can’t find out. Please, Hwa, don’t tell him that I’m pregnant. I need time to figure things out.”

He reluctantly agrees. “But you have to tell me where you’re going. You might be breaking up with Hongjoong, but you’re not breaking up with me.”

You hang up and ask the taxi driver to take you to the airport. Then you bury your head in your hands and cry all the way home.

Back in Korea, you cut ties with the entirety of your previous life. You decline Hongjoong’s calls and delete his text messages without reading them. It’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You finally change your phone number because you can no longer face seeing his name come across your phone.

As requested, you let Seonghwa know when you’ve finalized your move. He calls you every night after their concerts to check on you. And to tell you how miserable Hongjoong is.

Weeks later, it’s the last night of the tour, and you’re about to hang up when he turns serious.

“Y/N. You have to talk to Hongjoong. He’s in shambles. I don’t know how much more he can take. He’s going to break.”

“What can I say to make anything better? Anything he hears from me would be more lies.”

“Please, just tell him the truth. He still doesn’t even know you’re pregnant.”

“That most definitely wouldn’t help anything,” you reply sarcastically.

“Y/N, he loves you so much. He was devastated when you left. He hasn’t been eating or sleeping. He’s desperate to talk to you.”

“I just don’t think it’s for the best.” You hang up before you start crying. You’re bound to cry yourself to sleep later, so you try to hold back the tears for now.

Before going to bed, you get a message from Seonghwa.

“If you don’t tell Hongjoong by the end of the month, then I will. I care about both of you, and I can’t stand to see either of you like this. If you’re keeping the baby, then you have to be healthy. And I need Hongjoong to be able to do his job.”

Seonghwa’s words resonate in your mind. If you’re keeping the baby. In the weeks since you returned to Korea, you’ve come to the decision that you want to keep the baby. It’s the only way you can still have Hongjoong in your life. This baby is a piece of him and will always be a reminder of the love you two shared. You’ll treasure it, like you would have treasured Hongjoong if you’d had the chance.

Since you told Seonghwa your decision, he’s been bossier than Hongjoong. He constantly nags you about your health and he’s insisted on going to your doctor’s appointments with you when he gets back. He really is the best friend you could ever ask for.

You climb into bed and wonder if you should let Seonghwa tell Hongjoong the truth. He repeatedly reminds you how hard this has been on Hongjoong. It kills you to hear it. But you know it’s because Seonghwa wants you to decide on your own to tell. He knows you love Hongjoong and that you’re miserable without him too.

You toss and turn under the covers, eventually settling into a barely comfortable position. You’re sleeping is back to trash since you broke up with Hongjoong, and it takes a ridiculously long amount of time for you to fall asleep each night. There hasn’t been a single night that you haven’t cried yourself to sleep missing him.

When Seonghwa calls you the next day, he tells you that they’ll be landing in Korea at the end of the week. He wants to come see you once they’re settled in. Reluctantly, you agree. You know that it will be a painful reminder of your separation from Hongjoong.

Days later, when Seonghwa texts you he’s on his way to your apartment, you’re anxious about seeing him. He’s your last connection to Hongjoong, who you miss enormously. You never wanted to leave Hongjoong, but you did what you thought was best. You were certain you’d be able to live with your decision because you were looking out for Hongjoong’s best interests, but each day’s been harder than the last. You pray it doesn’t get any worse seeing his best friend.

Seonghwa smiles when you open the door. “Y/N!” he gushes. “I’ve missed you. Look at you! Your little bump is so cute!”

It feels strange to have Seonghwa gushing over you. There hasn’t been much cause for joy so far in your pregnancy, so his happiness strikes you as odd.

“Have you been doing well? Are you taking your vitamins? Have you prepared for your appointment? What time should I pick you up?” You laugh at all of his questions. “I’m sorry. It’s just that Hongjoong would want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself so…”

He stops when he sees your frown. You could only hope that Hongjoong would care that much about your pregnancy, but you don’t think that would be the case.

“Speaking of Hongjoong,” Seonghwa continues. “Have you thought anymore about telling him the truth. Now that we’re back from tour, it’s going to be harder for you to avoid him.”

“You’re the only one who knows where I am. Seoul is a big city. I’m not likely to bump into him on the street. I won’t be taking anymore translating jobs for the company, so there’s not much chance of us seeing each other. This is best for everyone.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, but I don’t agree. He deserves to know the truth. You don’t know how he will react, he might…”

“No,” you interrupt.

Seonghwa sighs and drops the issue. But you know how strongly he feels about it, so the conversation isn’t really over. He makes plans to pick you up the next day for your appointment and you talk a while longer before he has to leave for a schedule. You hug him goodbye, then he turns to face you.

“It’s almost the end of the month, Y/N. One of us will have to tell him.”

You close the door and burst into tears.

The next morning, Seonghwa picks you up early.

“I thought you could use a snack before your appointment,” he smiles when you answer the door. The smell of fresh pastries and coffee fills your nostrils.

“You read my mind. I’m starving.”

He doesn’t talk much over breakfast. You know that he’s thinking of Hongjoong because you are too. You want more than anything for him to be the one with you, but you know that isn’t possible. You’re going to have to do this alone, so you push your thoughts of him away. It won’t do any good to wish for things that will never happen.

You’re nervous going into the appointment, but Seonghwa stays by your side to comfort you. You’re glad he’s there. His genuine friendship and kindness make the difficult situation bearable. After mounds of paperwork, you’re escorted down the hall for an ultrasound.

You’re caught off guard when the technician asks, “Are you ready to hear the heartbeat, dad?”

Tears threaten to overwhelm you. You look to Seonghwa, your eyes pleading for help. He quickly responds to the technician. Squeezing your hand tightly, he says, “Everyone can’t wait.”

For the first time since you found out you were pregnant, you feel something other than fear and dread. To this point, you’ve only thought of the baby as unplanned and unwanted. You’ve never really stopped to think about how you actually feel. It’s definitely not what you planned, but is it such a bad thing? It will be hard raising a child by yourself but you’re strong. And with his child, you can keep a piece of Hongjoong with you forever even though he’s no longer yours.

You squeeze Seonghwa’s hand back, finally confident in the decisions you’ve made. You’re going to be okay. You and your baby are going to be okay.

After the appointment, Seonghwa brings you home. You’re walking up the stairs to your apartment when he says there’s something he needs to tell you.

His voice is unsteady. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I sort of broke my promise. But…”

His voice trails off as you reach the top of the stairs. You lift your head to see someone standing in front of your door. It takes you a second to realize the thin, disheveled man pacing with his hands in his pockets is Hongjoong. You turn on Seonghwa in disbelief. He’s backing down the stairs as he whispers, “He found the test. I had to tell him.”

You suddenly remember the suitcase of dirty laundry with the positive pregnancy test stuffed in the bottom. In your haste to leave, you’d forgotten about hiding it there and it hadn’t crossed your mind since. A small gasp escapes your lips causing Hongjoong’s head to snap in your direction. There’s no escape now so you gather all the courage you have and walk toward him.

He looks exhausted, dark circles prominent below his bloodshot eyes. He’s lost weight, the gentle line of his jaw is too sharp, and his cheeks are too bony. Your heart pounds in your throat; you can’t stand to see him like that. You look away and walk past him, fumbling with your keys in the door.

You manage to get it open as he steps closer to you. The familiar scent of citrus and amber fills your nostrils. You grip the doorknob to steady yourself, your knees nearly buckling beneath you. Your eyes flutter shut when he whispers your name, and you nearly come undone when his hand touches the small of your back.

You try to make your voice hard. “What are you doing here Hongjoong?”

“Please let me come in.”

“That’s not a good idea,” you reply. You try to step away from him and close the door, but he grabs the handle and stops you. All your resistance melts away and you look into his eyes.

“Please,” he whispers again.

You step through the door, leaving it open behind you. He walks inside and after an eternity of silence, he speaks.

“Y/N, is it true? Are you really…”

You’re on the verge of breaking down. “Yes.”

“Then, why did you say…”

You’re shaking inside but you can’t let Hongjoong know that. You grip the chair beside you to steady yourself.

“Don’t worry. No one will find out. Seonghwa is the only one who knows where I am. And no one else knows about the baby. I won’t tell anyone it’s yours. And I don’t need anything from you. You don’t have to worry about this damaging your career. I promise, no one will find out. “

“Is that what you really think?” he asks in disbelief. His voice cracks. “Is that why you left me?”

“I’m not going to ruin your career,” you continue. “I know how much music means to you and I would never take that away from you. I’ll leave Seoul and I’ll leave Korea if you want me to. I promise I won’t…”

“Y/N, I’m so sorry.”

You’re puzzled by his apology. “Why are you sorry?”

“I’m sorry that I ever made you feel like my music was more important than you.” He reaches out to take your hand. “Nothing in this world matters to me more than you. And now you’ve given me this gift, and I’ve left you to go through all of this alone…” Tears slip from his eyes.

“What do you mean a gift?” you ask.

“The baby, Y/N.”

“But, I thought you didn’t…”

“I’d never thought about having kids before. But when Wooyoung said that I realized that I do want a family. And I want it with you.”

You can barely speak. “You do?”

“I do. When you told me you weren’t pregnant, I was crushed. But I didn’t say anything because I thought you were happy. Then I saw you with Seonghwa…I was so jealous. I know you never liked him, and I know it’s crazy, but I just thought that…”

“You thought what?”

“I just thought that maybe he was the reason you were glad you weren’t pregnant. Because you didn’t want a family with me. I thought you wanted…I thought you wanted Seonghwa to be the father.”

For the first time in a long time, you laugh. “Kim Hongjoong, that is the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard in my life.”

He blushes and hangs his head. “You know I get jealous sometimes, Y/N.”

“Kim Hongjoong. There is no one else in this world that I would want as the father of my child. I only love you. I’ll only ever love you.”

“Really?” He looks up. Tears are still shining in his eyes, but you’re certain they’re happy tears now.

“Really. I’m sorry I lied to you. I was wrong to hide it. I thought that if you knew I was pregnant, it would ruin your career. And then you’d blame me, because it’s my fault.”

“It’s my baby too, Y/N. We made it together.”

“But if this gets out, you know how people will react…”

“I don’t care what anyone says, Y/N. You and our baby are the only thing that are important to me. If I can’t have you in my life, nothing else matters.”

By the time he’s finished, both of you are in tears. He takes a step closer and motions toward your stomach. “Can I?” he asks quietly.

You nod and he places his hand gently on your tiny bump. He chuckles softly then looks at you. “Can you believe it, Y/N? We made this. We made life.”

You giggle. The amazement evident in his voice melts your heart. Hongjoong is everything perfect and more. You don’t know why you ever thought you had to lie to him or hide from him. You don’t know why you ever doubted him.

That night, as you lay in bed with Hongjoong, looking at the picture from your ultrasound, you’re content. Everything has finally fallen into place. After he turns out the light, you feel his lips press against your tummy.

“Daddy loves you so much,” he whispers.

[thestuffinyourcloset]

The Future?

They say, as you age, your experience of time changes. As you get older, each moment is a smaller fraction of your total life. So, it feels shorter. Every year feels shorter than the last. Every month zips by faster than the one before.

With every moment we are adding to our existence. As a 13 year old, every day feels like a year. At 16, every day feels like a moment. But, the hours and weeks slip by at variable speeds, depending on what projects are due. At 20, every hour feels like an eternity and a second. A day’s speed crawls painstakingly, through every moment and feeling and experience. And a day’s speed happens so fast it’s over before you see it all. It’s too much and it’s fleeting. It’s gone before you or I know what it is.

Every second, every minute, every hour, day, week, month, year, decade. Our understanding becomes bigger. The world becomes larger, more interesting and far more boring. And it breeds understanding. And just when you think you understand, existence will prove you wrong. So it breeds wisdom, to believe, despite of what you don’t know.

When I’m 35, a month may feel like a day. The time might pass so fast I’m left speechless. It might go by faster than I can imagine. And it might still crawl. It might still feel like I’m pulling myself along as hard as I can. Like if I’m not careful, I will let myself drown.

When I’m 60, a year might feel like a month. When I look on my life, I might see a smattering of beautiful moments. Memories painted in warm yellows, oranges, and pink. And I will see many deep blue seas pulling at the edges of those pretty moments. And something about the colors mixing together might make me feel like it’s worth it. Like maybe every moment of purple bruise is colored by pink love and every blue hurt contains green growth. And maybe every orange happy will contain reds passion and it’s anger. Maybe I will see my decades of life, and I will see a watercolor. One that tells the story of something important, or beautiful, or significant. Maybe it will just be calm. Easy and balanced.

And when I’m 85, every decade might feel like a year or two. And I might look upon time with a heart full of earned wisdom. Life lessons, learned as hard as I could learn them. Heart breaks and griefs and sorrow. The pain of age. The hurt of continuing on.

And the understanding that the pain doesn’t take away the joy. And that exuberance doesn’t remove loss. You can add two colors together all you want, but it doesn’t always mix cohesively. And when I’m 85, I hope I can see those muddy, garbled colors and I can understand them. Or that I can understand, that I don’t need to understand them.

That sometimes the world doesn’t make sense, when it seems like the colors are just making gray, and a month feels like a day, and a minute feels like a week. That, no matter what, things will change. You will make choices, so will everyone else. And they will be mistakes. Or they won’t. But a lot of it isn’t up to you. And when the picture adds to together to create disconnect or tension, all it’s doing is building depth. And maybe, when I’m 85, my years will feel like years, just shorter than I expect, each and every time.

I’m 22 and my years feel like years, just shorter than I expect, each and every time. I’m 22 and my days feel like weeks, my weeks feels like hours. I’m 22 and maybe I know what I feel now. Maybe I know parts of who I am. Maybe I know who I love and what I want. But probably not.

I’m still young enough that my years feel like years. Maybe I’ll never know the things I want to know. Maybe I’ll spend all my time trying to understand the colors and shapes of the painting.

But maybe, I’ll spend my seconds and days and months and decades learning enough to see the details of the painting, and the story. Maybe I’ll see more than the blues and yellows and pinks. Maybe I’ll see the way they blend in the clouds. Maybe I’ll see the brush strokes and greens in the grass and I’ll see the way the shadows look gray and muddled, and the way it makes it dynamic. Maybe I’ll see a whole thing. An entire work.

And maybe, at 85. I’ll see the missing details. I’ll see the parts that can continue to be worked on and the places that need more attention. Maybe I’ll keep loving and hurting and existing in every moment.

Maybe, the day I die, I will still see the missing pieces. And I might look back and feel like my months were moments. And I will probably feel like my years get shorter, each and every time. But I hope I’ll have gained the wisdom to look back on the piece of art that is me, and feel content with being unfinished.

-D. Brennan

[levaagrace]

Y’know what’s funny to me?

The fact is, and no one’s gonna believe me when I say this, but of the three final girls, Melanie is actually my favorite. And even above Jon, I relate to her the most.

There’s a quote from the webcomic A Softer World that goes, “There isn't a word for the things I will do to the people who wronged me. I have so much rage. Just waiting for someone to wrong me,” that I think sums up what the Slaughter feels like to me.

Rage and anger with nowhere to go is useless. It just leaves you shaking and tired and empty. But when you have a target, when you can point yourself like a weapon at the enemy? It’s cathartic on a level you cannot grasp. And even after, it still feels good and righteous. Because they shouldn’t have been in your way, they shouldn’t have provoked you, it’s their fault.

I think that’s why I’m so defensive of Jon?

Cause I know that need. The need to have a punching bag that screams back, that is the exact reason for your pain and suffering and torment. The thing is though. It’s not about having one around all the time. Getting to the point where you’re going to explode and release it is the point, not letting it out slowly. It has to build and build for maximum impact. Otherwise it’s weak and ineffective. Not even worth the effort.

My baby sister was my Jon. I did awful things to her I can’t even begin to make up for when I was a teenager and justified it because, and tell me if this sounds familiar, ‘she was annoying’. She ‘wouldn’t leave well enough alone’.

She was barely five. She’s my blood. But that didn’t matter. None of that mattered. She was an easy target.

I know it wasn’t her fault, why I did what I did. I know I only had myself to blame for my actions. I know there was no amount of justification that made it okay. I know that, I knew that, and I’ve since done all I can to let go of that unbridled anger and hate.

So that’s why I’m so defensive of Jon and so critical of Melanie. Why, when she said, “I can still hate him, even if I don’t, y’know, blame him[…]”, I gagged. Cause no. You can’t. You don’t get to. When you accept that your anger and hate is only on you, you CANNOT give yourself any leeway. You have to accept the responsibility and consequences of it. Not let it simmer. Not let it build back up and up.

Now you may say, “well she did have reasons. He did [x] to her”. But that’s not the point. Cause her hate and scorn started before they even first interacted with each other, if her first statement is any indication. She already justified her anger when she could direct it towards him. He just helped give her more fuel. And that was on him. Lord knows no one will let him forget that. But what WAS on her, was not letting him get to her. Was letting that anger go so she would actually be in the right when it came down to it. Cause what anger also does is cloud your ability to reason. It makes you make mistakes.

It makes anyone in front of you a target.

I can relate to and understand and empathize with Melanie. But I cannot and will not sympathize with her. She has way too much to learn and I couldn’t stand me when I was at that stage in my mental and emotional health development. It’d be hypocritical of me to not.

After all. “At least I hate consistently”.

[classicragu]

I normally stay well away from posting stuff about voting and if I knew better I would continue to stay away from the topic. However, watching people forget the last 8+ years of politics just pisses me off to an extent that I cannot really hold back.

Let me preface this by saying fuck Biden, fuck everyone in the house, fuck everyone in the senate. They are all disgusting and deserve literally no respect whatsoever at this point. I don't believe any of them should be in office anymore and I also believe that the US is effectively a government that has failed its people entirely. I do not support a single elected official in the federal government at this point.

However, and this will piss people off immensely, I will vote. I remember what happened in 2016, I remember the horrors we lived through for 4 years on US soil. I remember people crying while talking to me. I remember us watching as the supreme court was not filled with 1, but 2 far right justices. I remember when the US lost abortion protections. I remember the constant fear of the persecution of various peoples in minority groups.

There is a better of the 2. Both are war criminals. Both are awful human beings. However one of them lets my friends and myself continue to be openly gay and trans. One of them will protect my rights. I will not defend them, that is not the goal of this post. Biden is a disgusting individual who deserves to spend life in prison for assisting in the genocide of the Palestinian people. He is awful, there is no other way to put it. I won't sugar coat it, I hate the man with all of my heart.

I do however, love my friends. I love them a lot. I don't want them to feel the same pain they felt years ago. I don't want us to have to be afraid about federal laws getting passed to take away our rights. I don't want to have to watch as the internal affairs of the country become as bad as its international affairs again. I feel a bit bad and sick for the fact I will vote Biden, but I will. I will vote for a man I viscerally hate purely because I recognize that if i don't, I will potentially have to deal with 4 more years of that shit again.

You can sit on your moral little throne as much as you want and affirm yourself that you didn't vote for a war criminal, but know that you are gambling with the potential lives of your own friends. Rather than repeating the same shit that gets posted every election season sit down and think for a bit about the ramifications of your actions.

It is a moral dilemma and this post isn't saying you should vote but it's saying to think for yourself. Take some time, try to think back over the last 8 years, think about all the times not voting or voting for a 3rd party did something. I'm angry and I assume everyone who follows me is also extremely angry at our current predicament. This post will likely garner severe negative backlash, I've been on this website now for 8 years and know it well. Even so, please, if there is anything i want you to do, just think of the consequences of your inaction. Think of the people you might hurt with your inaction. Think of the people who may not be in as good of a situation as yourself. We are all angry and rightfully so but let's not let that anger cloud our judgement.

Sometimes what may seem like the morally right decision initially can become the morally wrong decision in the long run. Just make sure you really take the time to consider what you are saying and if nothing changes for you, that's fine, at least you took the time to think about it. A lot of the time however, people don't, and that can just lead to more pain.

[betterthanyalls]

Wsp, I’m craving angst with my self insert and dream guy. So like, lets chow down ig. I can make a y/n and crush version idrc lol. <333 ilyyyyy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Why did you do it?! What made you think I would like that?!” The rain pelted down as Rosa held her tears back. Her words full of anger and betrayl.

“I….I….don’t know…” Benjamin stared at the ground with his soaking clothes clinging to his form. He wasn’t sure what to do. He didn’t think this would happen.

“You should’ve expected something like this to happen. I can’t believe I was so oblivious! Why did I ever believe you were the one?” Rosa turned away and started walking away from Benjamin. Tears fell from her eyes like the rain fell from the clouds. She held her arms to her chest to try and keep some warmth.

“What….so you’re just going to walk away?! Like you always do?! You always run away from your problems Rosa!!” Benjamin shouted with venom. He glared at Rosa’s figure that was standing still in the cold rain. Even at 100 feet away, he could see her shivers from the cold.

“Do you want to know my problem? The problem I tried to face head on?” Rosa spoke quietly but still loud enough from Benjamin to hear. She turned her head slightly. “My problem….was that I loved you. And I hate myself that I couldn’t even tell you. I tried but I was and still am a coward. So there you go. My problem was my feelings for you. I love you, Benjamin. But it’s now obvious that you don’t care for me as I care for you.” Rosa then kept walking away. Not stopping to turn back to see his reaction. She had an internal battle of running back to him and hugging him. To apologize for everything that went wrong. To say how she truly felt at the moment. To tell him everything. But alas, she kept walking until she was out of his sight.

Benjamin stood there, shocked. He couldn’t believe it. The girl he liked for so long….liked him back?? God he was such an idiot! How could he ever yell at her like that?? She never deserved someone as bad as him. He sunk to his knees and sat on the soaked concrete beneath him. He hugged his kneese close as he was lost in thought. How could he ever yell at her like that? He was such a mean person. He lost his only chance to explain his love. He lost his love…

[natiscore]

“Her charming spell”  PT.1 1/2

By Nati 

 I remember it just like it happened yesterday her bright smile and her silky long brown hair and her honey brown eyes we hanged out every single day i always felt myself getting caught in her smile the days passed and i felt myself falling deeper for her every time i was around her i felt like i was floating in the clouds but her eyes weren't always on me… they were always on my best friend Kyle she liked kyle with all her heart she thought of him as her prince charming me in my head i was the second male lead i couldn't do anything but watch them get closer i asked my mom for advice and she said “Even though it is painful to sit back and watch try to be happy for her don't you love her? As long as she's happy support her help her get together with your friend Kyle” it was like my mom really didn't understand me but i followed her advice and helped them get together each time as i helped them it felt like needles were being buried into my heart a month passed they were together as a happy couple but as that month passed i felt myself getting lost each day me and her spent less time together i felt so much pain in my heart as we were slowly going from friends to strangers i just wanted to die and disappear without a trace at the time but i told myself “You need to compose yourself and be good to help her at any moment!” i tried keeping myself in a positive mindset one day she came to me in tears and hugged me i felt my heart sink as i saw her crying in my arms she told me “Please just let me cry in your arms for a bit don't ask me why…i don't really wanna talk about it” i respected her wishes she her and Kyle slowly got into a bad place in their relationship i tried being there for her she would never tell me what was wrong and Kyle was barely seen around i was so sad i never saw her give me that smile again i felt as if something was stolen from me…i tried not to worry too much i just focused on helping her feel better weeks passed i barely saw her at school and if i did her hair would be messy she had dark bags under her eyes and she looked skinnier as if she hadn't been eating she was always sleeping in class and Kyle that bastard was dating another girl while she was here being eaten alive its like she lost her soul and was just a bag of skin and bones i felt so bad i felt anger inside of me build up i got up and yelled “KYLE!” she looked in my direction and Kyle had said “What's up dude?” but before he finished his sentence I punched him in the face and broke his nose. I pushed him to the ground and was punching him over and over. His girlfriend watched looking at me terrified then she was there watching me with tears in her eyes and screamed my name she said “How could you! You know I love him, why are you hurting him…STOP IT NOW!” i got off of Kyle looking at my bloody hands i was disappointed in myself she look at me angry and said “I can't believe you stay away from me don't ever talk to me again…” then she had ran off the words i don't ever wanna hear came out her mouth it i felt my heart being crushed i got called over to the principal's office and got suspended for a week my mom kept questioning me “WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH THING!? HE'S YOUR FRIEND COMMON NOW I TAUGHT YOU BETTER” I had no energy i just sat there and let her yell at me then i went up to my room i felt as if my life was over all i could think was of ending it all and not waking up again all i ever wanted was her i ran out the house while my mom was in the kitchen i ran to the bridge where me and her first met thinking of how something good could turn into something bad..

[toomanyfandoms-help]

some of the thoughts, feelings, and emotions ive been experiencing lately. merely needed a place to write this down and get it off my chest, so please feel free to scroll on

not fully sure exactly how to describe. depressive spiral? self-fulfilling prophecy? simply an unhinged, unhealthy person chattering away and scaring those close to them? something along those lines.

cant pinpoint where exactly it started either. i can give guesses, but its definitely something thats been building, rather than something that snapped.

im thinking somewhere in june. too good to be true, too much going right that i got suspicious. or maybe i was picking up on stuff i shouldve picked up on, did pick on earlier, and ignored.

it certainly started to crumble, starting with the trip. havent spoken to one of them since. its been 2 months. never really liked him though, and im quite assured in assuming the feeling's mutual.

then everyone got busy. and work got worse. and more busy. and even worse. hyperbolic, maybe a little. even still.

i dont push. i hate pushing. whenever i do even a little bit i hate myself for it. i take up other's offers gladly, but it gets further between. it feels less like friendship and more like im merely the person these people vent to every few weeks.

the one time (several times, i just stopped asking) i did ask, it got cancelled severely last minute with a half-assed apology. well, no. it was understandable. but still incredibly frustrating.

been spending more time with my family as a result. its familiar, in a tangy, bittersweet way that nostalgia is. we're closer than most, i know that, given the unique circumstances my and my sister grew up in. she knows me well.

everything took a turn when i quit though. on a whim (stressing all week and all day the day-of) setting my key down and leaving with head held high (shaking like a leaf and turning my music up too high on the drive home). combined with the stress of the previous day (shit going wrong with the house and my sister telling me she was probably minutes away from killing herself several years ago (something i already knew but somehow it hit harder (i can guess why))) it all just hurt

i also was with a friend. the day before i quit. kinda.

he helped me, sure. as in he helped with the house issue. but he didnt really talk to me. he tried to show me tiktoks on his phone (i spotted a groupchat with my friends without me in it (the old one with me hasnt been touched since june)) but they were all so. mindless.

we havent hung out since. he tried, twice. the first time i asked how many people he asked before me (its been a reoccurring problem, actually, where i am the last thought of) and he said i was the first. i didnt believe him. he tried again the next day, but i was actually looking forward to hanging out with my family so i declined.

he hasnt reached out since.

i sometimes think about how it makes me upset i cant be angry. im not really allowed to be. which is a weird thing to think about. what do i mean i cant be angry. but i think i mean it in a way like. my anger burns so deep and hot and fast, and its never good. its never for a good reason. being angry feels good, sometimes, but i cant revel in the feeling because i should not have been angry. i did things i regret.

i dunno. anger is a good emotion to have. i know that. it feels good, to feel your blood boiling just a bit and steam clouding your vision. its the one way i can really lose myself.

but its aimless. im usually angry at things i cant counteract or control or do literally anything against. it builds up. i cant release it. and when i do get angry at something i can do something about, well. it usually gets much more than deserved.

but how do you apologize for that. im not sorry for my anger, i was rightful to be angry. but my actions were maybe over the top. maybe i let out too much. maybe im not communicating at all. i dont know

how does one just. stop. not in a suicide way, but also not not in a suicide way.

i cant just go. not right now. my birthdays in 2 fucking days and i cant do that to my family. so maybe after. but we've got a vacation in 2 weeks and i dont want that to be canceled because its supposed to be the last family vacation we have.

but i cant last that long. im in limbo right now, and every single second is tearing at me and i just cant fucking feel anything anymore.

theres things i want to experience and be around for but the price of being a human being is just so fucking high that i cant fucking do it anymore. why do i exist on this miserable mortal coil and drag people down with me. why am i here

can it just stop, please

[jmatcha]

I can feel it.

The hatred in my heart vanishing little by little, bit by bit as I absorb your word.

It's nothing short of a miracle really.

This hatred consumed me for years, robbed me off of peace and joy, but I can feel it leaving my heart as days pass by.

I gave myself such a hard time for quite some time, letting myself be paralyzed by anger but here I am now.

How did I forget this sense of peace and contentment, safety and joy that I could only experience through you Lord?

How did I get so far from You when You're all that I ever needed?

My anger and delusion led me astray, after all that you've done in my life. All the miracles you've let me see and experience. After how you've proven the amount of your love for me.

I went and looked for reasons to hate the world and everyone in it instead. Believing I have no other reason to live in the world you created. Attempting to return the gift I had no right surrender to You, after using it to live shamefully.

I have sinned greatly against you Lord. My mind and emotions clouded my thinking and faith. I've bashfully chosen to forget every good thing you've done for me and focused on everything that I thought went wrong.

Now, I can look back and see every single person you've sent my way that reflected your grace and mercy. Every miracles you've allowed to happen in my life, both big and small.

Through you, I was able to do great things. Before when I look nack I used to question how I did all that, I thought it was impossible, that maybe it was just the flight and fight response that resulted from all the years of abuse.

How wrong was I. Why did I choose to believe that such wonderful blessings can come out from something so horrible instead of acknowledging your presence and workd in my life?

I am weak Lord. My faith is immature. I was once self righteous, boastful and ignorant. Now I have seen what I lack, how poorly I reflect your love and grace in this world.

I want to be better Lord God and this time I acknowledge that I can't do that alone. I need you Oh lord. Teach my heart to love bravely, forgive readily, treat the world kindly regardless of how afraid I might be for all the bad things that could come out from it.

Remind me Lord that I have no reason to fear the world as long as I'm with you. I used to be so defensive because I thought no one else can protect me but myself. I have no need for that lie anymore, because you're here with me.

Anything that would happen, will happen if it's in accordance with your plan for me. Regardless of how seemingly difficult and uncertain the road is, it would lead me to you and help me become the child you have designed me to be.

Use my life oh Lord for I know that there is a greater reason and purpose for that suffering. Use me Lord in testifying how amazing you are, how immeasurable your love is, how forgiving you are, how merciful and full of grace you are.

You are my Lord and saviour. You have saved me from the world countless times already, and from myself twice more. You've resurrected my dead spirit and breath life into it one more time.

I wish to be of service to you Lord. I have no other ambition now but to reflect you the best I can. I want to be worthy of your love and mercy. Help me oh Lord as I go through this path.

Thank you so much for all that you've done and continue to do in our lives. For your plans, which we may not know of yet, but I am already grateful because I am certain that you will not desert nor forsake us.

Thank you so much Oh Lord. I love you from the bottom of my heart.

I Jesus name, Amen.

🙏

[jaded-optimist87]

At first I was angry at you

For all the things you did

For all the things you failed to do

For telling me to stop dwelling on the past

For telling me to get over myself

For only working when and how you wanted

For waiting until it benefited you to do things and not US

For telling me you were better than most boyfriends

For telling me I’m a terrible person for leaving

For a thousand other things that are innumerable to list

I had to sit down

And be honest with myself

I’m not mad at you

I’m mad at myself.

The anger is palpable

Something that weighs heavily on my mind

A sour taste in the back of my throat

I’m mad that i stayed for as long as i did

I’m mad that i believed you when you said you’re a good boyfriend

I’m mad I didn’t listen to my intuition

I should have left so many years ago

So many opportunities, so many gut feelings ignored

I should of left when you refused to move with me for a job

I should of left when your solution was to have ME pay rent for 2 places instead of YOU getting a job

I should of left when you sat at home while I rode a bike in the summer to work to earn money

I should have left when you admitted the only reason you wanted an open relationship was so you could sleep with other women

I should have left when you admitted to not wearing a condom with other women on purpose

I should have left when you refused to see how selfish not wearing a condom was

I should have left when you decided to apply for SSI to avoid owing child support

Instead I became complacent

Instead I just dealt with it

I allowed myself to be used

I allowed myself to be yelled at

I allowed myself to be treated like a biological ATM

I don’t even know what to think

You don’t even see what you did wrong

You will never see what you did wrong

I will never have the “closure” that I wanted

You will never admit your fault in things

You hide behind your cloak of false righteousness

I can admit that I am bitter

I can admit that i was wrong

I was cold and distant

I was mean to you when I shouldn’t have been

I was bitter and angry

I was tired and burnt out

I worked 50 hr weeks for 2 years straight while you sat on a phone watching YouTube videos doing ‘research’

I worked 50 hr weeks while you came up with new ways to spend money and make none

I worked 50 hr weeks while you played basketball

I worked 50 hr weeks while you waited for me to get off work to help clean

I worked 50 hr weeks while you went and bought fast food and rarely cooked

I worked 50 hr weeks while I can count on 1 hand the months you worked in that timeframe

I can admit that my judgment is clouded by my emotions

I can admit that I was surprised you to found someone 4 months after I left

I can admit that I wasn’t expecting that after being with you for 11 years

I can admit I was hurt you moved on so quickly

But to be honest it was a relief

It made my decision easier to live with

It proved my point to me

I was no longer useful so you moved on

I made so many excuses for not leaving sooner

Eventually it was far too obvious that you weren’t thinking about what was best for us

All you cared about was what was best for you

I was only there to further your wants and desires

I was only there to fund your ideas and half baked businesses

What I needed or wanted wasn’t really important

As long as it didn’t get in the what of what you wanted

Am I happy? No

Am I happier than I was? Yes

I am happier without you.

I am grieving a relationship that died so long ago I don’t remember hearing its last breath

I am grieving hard lessons that I can’t even put into words.

I am grieving so many things I don’t even know what to list

In the end I’m not really mad

I’m disappointed in myself for letting someone who claimed to love me treat me this way

[batteredwarriorstillstanding]

Whoa, whoa, whoa....let's interrupt programming with a necessary reality check, and side of tough love. You resisted communicating with me, and this absolutely had major consequences where I was concerned--since, for reasons only partially clear, it is, in fact, of major importance to do all I can to add you to my life....again, if this is never in the form of romantic involvement (and, more and more, that seems to make, by a fucking mile, the most sense) that is, perhaps, not precisely in-line with early expectations, but wonderful, nonetheless. The main, and certainly chief intended result of you cutting me off at all points within speaking distance of you has had others, also. For example, you will not believe how full of errors, including some major ones, your beliefs concerning anything and everything associated with me tend to be....this cloud of misunderstanding, already an impediment to current communication is also a frequent agitator of some less-than-desirable traits thatcI possess. So, because, I suspect the mistaken viewpoint's very nature is always bound to be impacted by friends and family not on board with us in any manifestation (though only a small portion of what I suspect has actually been demonstrated) it's safe to observe that negativity has been used as a tool, incorrectly, toward this end. This can elicit frustration and anger and it, sadly, has not exactly been a solar-eclipse-level rarity for me to become so distraught by the seeming injustice of it all that I begin acting every bit the abusive, exploitative significant other-in -waiting, who simply cannot contain his excitement at the prospect of misusing each of your considerable attributes for my own benefit, all the while, gaslighting you into a broken shambles so precisely that it isn't ling before your destroyer os, in your eyes, your onmy saving grace. In truth, I have never been abusive toward anyone in anything that resembled this exampke at all, and, as far as you are concerned, while I can definitely return your hardest serve....or even aim right for you, once in a while, when I become angry enough, I actually value you deeply, and this has never changed. Not being afforded an opportunity on a multitude of fronts that are, seemingly, nothing more than products of people talking from their asses, and woukd quickly be shown as such...

Don't get me wrong, it ain't "someone else" who is responsible for your closeting from me, it's you ...but, they certainly helped...and had no qualms about doing so dishonestly. Ao, for the 15th time in a few months, I am sorry for being a dick to you....if ever you were forced to navigate the described impossibility of a "boundary" or an "obstacle provided by the universe" or whatever the fuck else, when, actually, it had all become a fool's errand, and you could feel the heartbreak i did upon realization if this disturbing suspicion, you would understand that I still, if course, love you. I am no help to anyone, though, if I fail to survive, myself. Oh yeah, 1 or 2 days ago, someone sent me an "I'm gonna be your fem domme" welcome letter....hilariius...if that was you. Pretty sure you'd end up dead...dominating the funeral home. But, nice sentiment. Just jok I ng, of course. Due to extenuating circumstances, I have taken the liberty of expanding normal boundaries of good taste in posting from their typical levels to.....whatever I want. But, don't mistake this for genuine ill will.

[findingspringinfadingtrees]

I desperately wish you could see how much of our hardship has been hoisted onto my shoulders. That sometimes the pain you see when you look at me is a reflection, a mirror to yourself that you can’t quite accept. Like how I have loved you loyally and faithfully. How I did not burn down the world nor tore the universe apart but laid my own self on the pyre for your sake. I accepted everything without a flinch to show you my dedication and it has still ended with you believing somehow my frustration and anger was a lack of compassion. How cruel to have the man begging for my vulnerability shun me after he has obtained it. How tragic that even healthy expressions of emotion were twisted into crucifixions. If I’d abandoned my duty and broken my promises, if I’d stayed silent instead of giving you my heart, grief, pain, fear, and dissatisfaction scarring it’s surfaces, you would have stayed. It will haunt me until I die that somehow you have taken your emotional self flagellation and turned it into a claim that I held the whip. That I was the one debasing you, treating you as though you were worthless, and not the one fighting the weapon out of your hands and trying to tend to your wounds. The hours I’ve spent holding you when my hurt over a mistake caused you to violently lash out at yourself have melded into me being the one to deal out the pain. I have told you countless times I love you, that you are perfect to me, that you’ve always been enough, but now you have rejected that for a narrative that I never showed you the compassion you deserved. The random messages of praise and thanks,the reassurance, the constant devotion, is clouded over by your own vexation. Not three days ago you told me you didn’t realize love as pure as mine could exist. Now you’re claiming I am toxic, damaged, heartless. That I inflict pain on you without even realizing my own wrong doings. I have turned from your comfort, your “savior”, to a monster you can hardly stand. What horrible irony to be seen as a monster by the person I loved, while at the same time being told that I was treating him as though he were a monster himself. I have forgiven you for everything thus far between us, but I don’t think I could ever forgive you for trying to claim that your self loathing was reflective of my feelings for you. I’ve proven countless times in every imaginable way that it wasn’t the case yet I am still being put on the rack without discrimination. Not to mention me opening up, setting boundaries and discussing my needs all while you talked down to me for not doing so enough, when all along you were the one unable to voice your own concerns and desires to the point it destroyed us. Or how you are now pinning things on me being insecure, when your insecurity ate you alive to the point you delved through even some of my most private thoughts to assuage yourself. None of this is to say I haven’t had my own faults and wrong doings. I’ve never claimed to be a perfect person, nor a perfect partner, and just like you I have torn down some of our love without having any cruel intentions within my heart. But that doesn’t fit the mural of yourself cutting off medusas head. You can’t accept that I didn’t have cruel intentions, that our mistakes were made with a similar mind and heart, because doing so would mean accepting that you have thrown away something that we might have salvaged. It would be a confession of your own part, an admittance that maybe you have damaged the ability to have the life you so desperately wanted. By claiming that I’m the one projecting unto you, you are sparing yourself the regret, the guilt, the fear of what could have been. And though I have been watching myself burn alive in your name, damned in part for sins I didn’t commit, I will refuse to let you walk away believing that you have rescued yourself from a monster instead of facing the fact that you destroyed the woman you loved.

- A letter I’ll never send

[gffa]

Honestly, the older I get, the more I understand the Jedi philosophy.

It’s like,as a teen- how can you just sit there and do nothing?! People are in trouble! And what the heck do you mean attachment, friends are important!!!

As a twentyish year old- okay, this is a sort of bad situation, but you still have to do something- and who the heck thinks having a former slave relive slavery for character building is a good thing?! (It was either a novel or a comic, I just noped right out because that was handled really badly by the author)

As a semi-mature adult- okay, emotions can really cloud your judgment, even the subjectively good ones. The philosophy the Jedi are based on is a good one, just a little bit different from what I’m used to, and the more I learn the better I understand the story! And a great part of me learning the story is thanks to your blog! So thank you for your efforts, they aren’t going to waste!

Of course, I still relapse on occasion, mostly when something hits me as wrong- the kadavo arc brought back my frustrations because the whole ‘exposure therapy’ or ‘flooding’ rarely works when it’s a controlled environment and the patient can tap out safely, because it’s more likely to re-traumatize a person and set back their recovery greatly. So having the council think it’s a great idea just kinda makes me 😡.

Again: Thank you so much for the information you provide!

It's interesting that I've talked to more than a few people who started out with the whole "the Jedi are a cult" and "the Jedi kind of brought this on themselves" and "they abused Anakin" train of thought and I'm one of them, too. I watched the movies when I was young, I didn't really have a lot of thoughts about them, Jedi good, Sith bad, etc. Then I got into fandom and saw people saying how the Jedi were really terrible and that was actually what you were supposed to understand when you really thought about it and I completely believed it. And then I got into rewatching the movies and watching TCW and reading Lucas interviews and waaaaait the Jedi don't actually seem that bad... well, they still needed to change, but... well, what were they supposed to do... wait, they're based on Buddhism, oh, that does change how I see them... wait, they're actually being really nice to Anakin in this scene and never took him to task unless he'd just fucked up real bad??... and, well, here I am. It's also true that, the older I get, the more I vibe with the Jedi's approach to emotions--you're not supposed to suppress them, but you need to be mindful of them, you need to let that shit go, because it will poison you otherwise. I was so, so angry when I was young. I was angry every day and the longer it went on, the more I would just seethe at people, the more I would wallow in the bad things happening to me, the more I would just be relentlessly negative. All of it was justified in any given example, but I was so fucking miserable. I was losing friends because they couldn't deal with it. I hated myself and everything. I realized I had to let go of my anger, no matter how justified it was. I still have things to be furious about today, in my personal life and in my online life and in the world around me, and there are days I handle it better than others. But every day I have to keep examining my feelings, acknowledging them, and not letting them consume me. Because that way only lies misery for me. So, the Jedi don't have to be perfect, literally nobody should be held to the standards of being perfect, nobody is 100% pure sunshine, because that's purity culture garbage. But they were genuinely trying, they were in shitty circumstances and not given correct info all the time, like, are we talking about Anakin going undercover with the Zygerrians? Because I think they trusted Anakin to tell them if he wasn't ready to do this, it wasn't meant to be exposure therapy, but that they believed he could handle it, that he might struggle with his anger about it, but if it was too traumatizing, he would say so. And he wasn't alone, Obi-Wan and Ahsoka were there to help him and keep an eye on him. It's not a perfect solution, nothing in the galaxy at that point in time was perfect, because there weren't really any good solutions. And my response isn't to try to browbeat you into agreeing or say that you're wrong, more to explain my view of things (since we're dealing with my inbox and all 😂) and why I sympathize with the position everyone was put in and why I don't think the Jedi were the worst ever or whatever. Sometimes we just disagree on things, interpret things differently, and as long as we're friendly to each other as real people (which you have been very sweet about in this message, thank you! I hope I can return it and my apologies if not), we'll be fine. And thank you for the reminder that, even if we disagree on some stuff, there are people who are fine just not seeing eye to eye and still understanding that the other person is kind and thoughtful and has their reasons, I really needed that today.

[jojoturnip]

Tw: Marcy harm, child abuse, trauma

Is it bad that there is this anger, this reverent and feverous anger that begs to be fed in the back of my throat? This anger that longs to burn and destroy and level this playing field, level this battlefield, level this castle until nothing is left but the dusty remnants of its once haughty marble walls and shreds of the now ashen and faded banners that haven’t flown since I was on the other side of the war? And, I know—believe me, I know—I have no right to be angry for the way things turned out. I was the one to write this story, put it all into motion. You might try to blame the prophecy on some olms or a clumsy librarian, but don’t steal my mistakes from me. I know what I did.

So, why am I still so angry? Why do I have the right to feel anything but gratitude: gratitude that I’m still alive, gratitude for my body being my own, gratitude for the fact that my friends have given up everything to still have me be at their side after everything?

I have no right to be angry. I have no right to be looking for a reason. I have no reason in my right mind to be here, looking at his shining, fallen body from across an equally metallic set of bars.

“It took away some of my memories. I don’t know what all it took, or how much, or why, but everything’s still hazy, even now.”

Some light pierced through the darkness around us as his eyelids creaked open to reveal those big, wide eyes that I’d gotten so used to before. I wondered if they were robotic, too, like Anne had told me the rest of him was.

“Marcy?”

His voice was soft. How dare it be soft. There was something warm, endearing, and comforting to the way he said my name. My hand twitched; it wanted to reach through the bars towards him, like this physical separation was the only barrier between us. Like I could overcome it.

I forced my fingers to wrap around the iron like a fist instead. “There were some parts that were too strong for it to cut out, no matter how hard it tried. The way my friends’ hands broke away from mine, and the smell of fire and smoke from my own chest. Your face as you looked away from me, as you let the helmet sink down onto my head, and screams that it pulled from my vocal cords as the agony buried me underneath its voices.”

His head had turned slowly to face me. Although I forced my eyes to bore into his own, he could not hold my gaze. His remaining arm was pulled over his open wound as he shifted on to his side towards me. A pang of something not angry, something resolutely sorrowful twisted in my stomach.

“Olivia and Yunan filled me in on the rest. I know what you did.”

“Marcy, I’m so sor—”

A quick burst of air burst out of my nose. I would’ve mistaken it for a laugh or snort had there been any humor left inside of me. “No. No. Don’t apologize. Tell me that isn’t true. I know they wouldn’t lie to me, so tell me that they’re just mistaken. Tell me that we have it all wrong. Did you do it? Did you really do it, to me? They said—they said you ran a blade through my chest. They said you let it take me by the face with one of its metal claws. They said you gave my body to the Core. Tell me that it wasn’t really you. Tell me that it made you do it; I remember how demanding and coercive it was. Give me an excuse, give me a reason, give me something, King Andrias. Because, if it was true, then—”

There were too many words coming out of me too quickly. The air was so thick around me that I could barely force it down my chest, and it felt like a wound was ripping between my ribs again. I gasped and moved my free hand over my diaphragm, trying to count my breaths like the girls had taught me to. In for one, two, three, four…

My fist was the only thing keeping me upright as my knees buckled underneath me. I should’ve known better. They were so weak now. But, I thought I was stronger than this, strong enough to handle this. I’d thought I could hold myself together long enough to release all my feelings on him. The anger had clouded my brain, and I had kidded myself that it was the only emotion left there. My hand slipped a little on the bar, and those stupid knees crumbled and caved into the floor. I let my head fall, dropping away from me and into his cage as my shoulders met the two bars at its side.

“Because—because if it’s all true, then I was nothing to you. And, you were everything to me. You were more of a father to me than my own. You—you were the first friend I had who looked at me as an equal, who wanted me around for something more than my brain—who cared about my interests, my needs, and just me for me. If what they say is true, then love doesn’t even exist because I loved you, and I thought you loved me, too.”

His skin was frigid. Even though I couldn’t see it with my head down, I could feel its impending doom compressing the air around me. My head raised itself and caught on his lingering eyes as he brushed a piece of my hair away from my face and tucked it behind my ear. The movement was so practiced and gentle and kind that I nearly forgot everything else, everything grounding me in that moment almost faded away. It was just that big goof of a newt who let me sit in his pocket and a young, naïve me sitting across from him in a beautiful, almost cathedral-like throne room, sharing secrets, planning pranks for me to play on Lady Olivia, and trying to keep straight faces around each other over a flipwart board.

“Don’t you fucking touch me!”  I screamed as I finally pulled myself away, heaving for air as I fell onto my back and used my hand to drag my body over to the opposite wall.

His hand hesitated in the opening, like it wanted to stretch further and comfort me again. I wrapped my arms around my knees and brought them up to my chest, guarding myself as much as I could since I was apparently not even strong enough to get up and walk away.

Even the sigh the came from behind the bars, low and reverberating against the walls, was so overwhelmingly warm and familiar that a part of me wanted to settle into that hum and grab his hand back as it withdrew into the darkness again. “I know it hurts, Marcy. I won’t lie to you—I did it. The Core had wanted me to kill you since that day we met, but I convinced it to let me befriend you and lure your friends and the box to us. It worked, and, when I took your life for the first time, the crown had been knocked off my head by your friend Anne. I killed you of my own accord. Then it wanted your brain, and I tried to convince it to take another path again, but it was stubborn. I did not fight it as it took your body. I helped it wipe your memories.”

“Why?”

He shifted off his side and on to his back. He stared blankly up at the ceiling. “My father was a part of the Core. I would’ve done anything for him. Much like you thought you only had me, I was convinced I only had him. I loved him; he was my everything. But, I was also so angry. Growing up, I had had these two friends much like you have your Anne and Sasha. They loved me, and they left me. I pushed them away—I see that now, but it felt like betrayal, and I was so incredibly angry with them for so long. When I drove my sword through you, it was a revenge against the hurt they’d caused me. Because you reminded me of them—because I’d loved them, and they’d left me, and you were leaving me, too.”

“Why wasn’t I enough? Why couldn’t you love me?”

“Oh, Marcy, you were. You were enough—you were so much more than enough; I wasn’t.”

I swallowed hard. There was so much guilt, so much remorse in him. I had never seen that before. A bile rose in my throat, combatting against the anger there for space.

“You don’t get my forgiveness,” I chocked out. “You don’t get to have a story that redeems you.”

He nodded slowly, solemnly, resigned to his fate. “I understand that, Marcy. Just know that it wasn’t ever you, okay? You never deserved this fate. You were just a child. You made a mistake, kid, but you are just a child.”

“That’s rich,” I felt a strained laugh bubble up out of my sobs. I brushed the tears away with the back of my glove. “You didn’t treat me like I was ‘just a child’ when you stabbed me or let an ancient hivemind invade me. You know what’s funny, though? What’s funny is that I still love you—I still love you, despite it all. I should hate you. I have every right to hate you. But, I still fucking love you.”

He was silent for a while, drinking that heavy weight down. At least it was finally off my chest. I felt so much lighter, even though I was still shaking as I unfolded myself and got up. He only looked back my way as I started to walk away.

“Marcy, wait, please.”

I froze in place but did not give him the grace of my own gaze in his direction.

“Are you guys—are you going to put me out of my misery?”

My arms crossed stiffly over my chest, hugging me without my recognition. In truth, none of us had to discussed to do with the newt king now that the world had been saved and the monarchy overthrown. “I’m breaking the cycle, Andrias. I met your father in the Core. I know how he treated you. I know my abuse from you was passed down from him. I’m not going to pass it down anymore. I rejected him and the Core in my mind, and I reject you, now. So, it ends with me. I’m breaking the cycle. I won’t hurt you like he hurt me—I’m going to be better than you both.”

“I will die here before long.”

I wanted to say, ‘It is long past your time,’ but the words died on my tongue.

“Will you do my one last favor, Marcy? I know I am in no place to ask for it, but, for old time’s sake, will you do one last thing for me after I die?”

My hands were shaking against me too hard to try and move one to wipe my tears away again. “What is it?”

“Will you bury my body—what’s left of what was once my body, anyway—beside my friends? I—I don’t know where they are, but you’re smart. I know you can find them. Their names are Leif and Barrel, a frog and a toad, believe it or not. They died nearly a thousand years ago, but I know they’ll have found a way to lay in rest next to each other. I’d like to join them one last time.”

***

I sprinkled the last shovel-full of soil gently over his grave. It was a simple burial, surely not one meant for royalty, but also so much kinder than the crypt in the basement of the castle that the others had advised me to place his body in.

His grave itself had to be larger than the two beside it just due to the size of his body, but the gravestones were all the same. The arched gray rocks reaching up to my hip in height all settled in a row in front of us.

Sprig laid a bouquet of pink gladiolas against the headstone of a ‘Lily Plantar—Beloved wife, Mother, and Friend,’ who we had found to be the Leif of both King Andrias’ past and Hop Pop’s basement. I watched as Anne knelt down to wipe a tear from his eyes, like the big sister she had become over the past year.

Sasha helped Grime hoist a hammer onto the grave next to that of Leif. A faint pink glow that had settled in the runes carved up its handle slowly faded away as it left their hands and settled into the ground. It seemed fitting that it finally be laid to rest above its original wielder, 'Barrel the Brave—Hero and Leader of Soldiers and Toads,’ as his headstone read.

Anne, the Plantars, Sasha, and Grime all took another moment of silence beside me for my own sake, but it was beginning to rain, and—in truth—they did not know the people who they had just paid respects to. It was right for them to walk away when they did. After all, Andrias has caused them all nearly as much pain as he had caused me.

After another moment or two, Oliva and Yunan became antsy, too. Their hands left my shoulders. They hadn’t brought anything. Anything touched by the king seemed tainted evil; no crown, no music boxes, no item that had crossed his hands felt fitting to bury any being with. And it seemed even more ill-fitting to lay ceremonial flowers on the grave of a man who destroyed so many in his conquest. So, Olivia kindly smiled my way as she brushed a gloved hand against the top of his headstone and informed me curtly that it was a lovely burial, if such as thing existed. Yunan just silently removed the shovel from my hands before she took Lady Olivia by the elbow and guided her away, leaving me to have a final moment with him alone.

I took my first and final gift to him out of my pocket and twirled it around my fingers. I didn’t realize I was crying until a tear fell from my face and onto its little square head. I used the edge of my cloak to polish it clean.

“Even if you did it, even if I can never forgive you, I’ll still love you.”

There was still anger burning in my throat as I pressed the golden robot pin into the soil just below where the inscription read, ‘Andrias Leviathan—Peacekeeper of a Thousand Years.’