Allow me to nudge any of you lot that have left requests for corn in my inbox in the last few weeks and months. Please don’t be discouraged because I haven’t responded or acknowledged them. I promise I see all of them and love all of them. I’m just trying to get some scheduling back to my normal and those (you filthy mfs) drawings.
Me 🤝 your depraved minds, salute.
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i can’t tell if i’m supposed to be doing something, becoming someone right now or if i’m over-doing it and need to let myself rest, let my mind sit in silence.
i can’t find the difference between rotting and letting myself rest, i feel like i’m sitting getting lost in my daydreams in hopes of avoiding something.
do i know what i’m avoiding? no, maybe it’s the anxiety— usually it’s the thought that i’m not doing enough, achieving enough, sometimes it’s the constant feeling of worthlessness, or that tiny little thought in my mind telling me to just end it and get this over with; is all this hurt really worth the potential happiness of the future? i don’t know.
i don’t know what’s wrong with me, i don’t know if i’m stopping myself from achieving anything or if i need to let myself rest and just exist. i don’t know if this is depression or if it’s something else.
the word depression has always felt disgusting, i don’t know why— i hate labeling myself with it, im not depressed, i’ve just been sad and tired for a really long time and rationally i know that i am depressed but it feels wrong to say, because what do i have to be depressed about?
or maybe im just not remembering the moments where i felt happy? maybe the hurt is making things unclear, or maybe im tricking myself into believing that life is more than just this.
i don’t know what’s going on, i know i don’t want to die, not like i used to. but i also am accurately aware that it’s easier to let it happen all the same. has the idea of suicide become my biggest version of avoidance? “whatever i’ll be dead by then either way.” i don’t want that, so why is it the default? why can’t i change the way it goes.
i woke up at three pm today willingly, it’s eight pm and i’m holding myself back from getting back under the covers because holy shit get it together. but is that me trying not to rot or is it self destructive? how am i supposed to navigate this? i don’t know, i’m trying and i know that it’s not enough, either i end it or i try harder and figure something out, figure out how to be better, but can i even do that?
i don’t even know why i’m posting this because it’s sooo silly and i doubt it’ll fix anything but i don’t know !
peter parker core lol
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I saw this posted, and decided to mark it up. I then talk about stuff for a bit and get a lil dark. I’m not quite sure how to tag it to keep it off the dashed of ppl it might upset so instead I’m putting in a readmore and this warning.
In conclusion, I ain’t doing so great
“How much longer can I keep this up”
Without distractions from a reality I currently can’t/ don’t know how to change, not long at all.
I’m tired. So tired. Why is 21 years so long? How do people manage decades of this? Is this life?
I keep holding on in case things get better
But I’m tired. Exhausted. Existing is the best I can do, and no one is happy about it.
Normally people become more capable as they grow up. I’ve only grown more fatigued, and run down. Tasks I could do a few years ago now seem nigh impossible.
I’m tired. But sleeping doesn’t make me feel rested. The only relief is to distract myself from this all consuming fatigue.
There is no escape, from that which exists inside of you. It hurts. And I’m tired of it all.
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Jeeeez, I reloaded tumblr a dozen times and it kept saying my blog didn’t exist. Thought it got deleted. I was real scared there for a sec.
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Hi, I’m still alive 🙃 The last two days have kicked my ass but I’m still here, and hopefully now I can settle in and relax with some drawing. I’m thinking a Copia portrait to raise my spirits again~
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thank you for keeping the fexi fandom alive 🥲❤️ times are so tough now but you are a real one
that’s sweet but no thanks are necessary. I’m just happy people are still interacting with me and my fics. 😭 this hiatus is rough, contemplated ghosting a few times at this point, but somehow the ideas keep coming, lmao
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happy 6 years to the day i tried and, thankfully, failed to end my life. i may not be 100% better, but i’m getting there, and i’m not gonna stop getting better no matter what anyone says or does
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a special thank you to white eyeliner and austin butler for existing… and more importantly existing together.
yeah I’m still thinking about that day and what about it??
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