#but I'm hyperaware of the cycle

[hexhomos]

I really hate that so many are against Viktor having the kids because his in utero imagery, embryo face splitting, etc... it's just fitting. With his making a better future, for those that exist and will exist... I don't think he'd hate children, not at all. And as for him hating being pregnant, I think most people find it unpleasant LMFAO. Just because he's disabled doesn't mean he isn't capable of carrying. Disabled people can have, and can want to have, children. I should know, as it's personal to me. How do you feel on this?

I think this is all completely valid. At the same time I fully understand the other side of the issue, because (personally) I'm very viscerally repulsed by the idea of having a pregnancy, just on a gut level. Periods make me feel capital T terrible, I have enough health issues routinely that I'm on edge about losing control of my body every 3 months; and having a baby is The most chaotic and disorienting bodily experience you can willingly sign up for. Nine months of gestation! And it's not over even after the baby is out! You could be changed forever!

I'm empathetic to the viewpoint that viktor would be hyperaware of all the associated trials & risks and he wouldn't be super excited to sign up for it. When you're born with an uterus you're bombarded with the messaging that pregnancy is Inevitable and Desired and if you don't do it soon enough you are, in fact, wasting a precious limited resource of your body - and this is the norm, this is expected, but also generally quite horrific. I think people expressing their negative feelings on the trope come more from a place of personal discomfort, and fandom niches are one of the only spaces where this can be expressed without people looking at you like some sort of confessed criminal (or god forbid, a broken woman!!!!)

I don't think Viktor’s imagery necessarily implies pregnancy so much as him being trapped in a state of arrested development, reverting to a pre-ego self (or, a rebirth and reformation) he's on the death-life cycle, quite literally.

I also honestly believe ship babies stuff can be cute, and I've liked some of it. I've even read some pregnant viktor fics before, and eventually decided those aren't for me. To each their own! I like viktor as a spokesperson of body horror and i think the machine herald could do some great free abortions. I'm pro-get-jayce-pregnant. Life will find a way. He would probably see all of the positive sides and brush off the negatives then get really in touch with his feelings. let viktor be the bewildered dad. that's my take

[timeloop-observer]

time loop Stands For Some Things question mark? mostly just curious about your interpretation of the metaphor(s) there as someone only vaguely familiar with the game. sorry for stumbling on your special interest blog and asking for the literal ABCs of isat im just soo questions

ok well the thing is the things that the loop stands for in isat are Big Spoilers. so uh, go into the read more at your own discretion? also keep in mind this is just my interpretation

the way i see it, the loops can be read psychologically and metawise. psychologically, it's all about being trapped in patterns of behavior. conversations that you've already had dozens of time before, things that you and the people around you keep doing, cycles that repeat for no one's benefit, safe for the unintended effect of not having to change or open up about your issues. siffrin keeping himself and his party hostage by not being vulnerable with them but refusing to let them leave out of fear and love. and thus making the same mistakes and doing the same things over and over until they get so burnt out and mess up so hard it threatens to Ruin Everything (where the game once again ramps up siffrin's subjective perception to cosmic cataclysm proportions via wish craft).

metawise, isat is also a commentary on how hard it is to leave a good game behind. the story is framed as the endgame area of a different jrpg (which i'll refer to as "the larger game" from here on out) for a reason: siffrin is effectively the player being unable to reckon with the fact the larger game is almost over. running around with different sidequests, trying to find more ways to spend time with the characters, feeling the endgame grind of fighting against enemies time and time again for exp, doing anything and everything to just not let the game go. it even escalates to the point of their attachment becoming warped, ironically getting so invested that they wind up flattening the complexities of the story and characters that they loved so much it caused this (siffrin with their stageplay metaphors paralleling how some people become hyperaware of the fact they're "playing a game" and "trying to 100% it" which ironically even happens to isat).

the two allegories are in my opinion two sides of the same silver coin and serve as another element of what makes siffrin so compelling (not to mention relatable, i only thought of the psychological angle because i sometimes feel like i'm in a timeloop when a depressing situation happens that has happened before- I MEAN WHAT).

[necrotic-nephilim]

i recently remembered DickTim Week 2024 is happening very soon and i looked at the prompts again to see if i could get anything out for it and. the Hades & Persephone AU prompt for day 1 has got me really thinking so here's a vague concept i plan to write.

i've been pretty burnt out on modern Hades & Persephone retellings because of how they always seem to fall into the same generic "innocent wide-eyed girl runs from her evil mean mother into the arms of a dark mysterious man because actually she went willingly and chose to marry him" which has gotten repetitive for my tastes. (for clarity i don't care if this retelling is your cup of tea personally, so long as you're not actively trying to rewrite the original myth and claim untrue things about it, if this is your favorite flavor i sincerely hope you enjoy the buffet i just have little interest in it since it feels overdone for me and exhausted of it's supposed commentary atp)

but? but. biblically accurate Hades & Persephone AU has me all kinds of interested. because wait listen so hear me out right. Hades!Dick and Persephone!Tim, obviously. i feel it'd be more loosely inspired by with themes and imagery (though playing with death and nature powers could be interesting, i haven't decided) rather than explicitly making them gods and all. but. something dark and fucked up where Dick and Bruce are especially estranged. maybe to do with Jason's return, maybe to do with them just clashing and having their usual explosive arguments. and Bruce knows the peace needs to be kept, if he and Dick are at odds then everyone starts to pick sides and things just fracture so he needs a peace offering.

and the peace offering is Tim.

Bruce (the stand-in for Zeus) offers up Tim. agrees to have Tim move to Bludhaven and be Dick's... whatever Dick wants him to be. knowing that with the implication comes the likelihood of Dick grooming Tim. and Tim has no real say and is hesitant to put up a real fight. he doesn't want this, he knows what this is going to imply Dick will do to him, but he also knows if he says no things have the possibility to just... fall apart. so he's the unwilling bride, dragged off to the metaphorical underworld (Bludhaven) with Dick, away from his family, his friends, the life he built.

and on the flip side, i think weirdly enough, your best pick for the Demeter stand-in is *Jason*. just, hear me out on that. not necessarily on the side of it being motherly, but on Jason being just estranged enough from the Batfamily to be the one willing to call it out for being bad and wrong and raising bloody hell to get Tim back. maybe it's because Jason wants Tim for himself, maybe it's truly out of a concern for Tim to have autonomy, i'm toying with the idea of it primarily being Tim's POV and him genuinely not knowing which of these is true. (and the truth possibly ends up being a complicated middle ground) and because i like Helena, i think you can use her as the Hekate stand in, the one who strikes a tentative alliance with Jason and tries to go find Tim and bring him back. Tim stuck with Dick, getting groomed and hyperaware of it, possibly even getting fucked the whole time as well, knowing he can't go back without causing massive issues for Dick and Bruce because well, Bruce did promise him to Dick. so he has to adjust his whole life, try to figure out being a vigilante in this new city with Dick breathing down his neck the whole time.

and then much like the ending of the myth, a sort of compromise is struck that's a shaky deal for everyone involved. Tim is put on an essential timeshare, going back and forth between Gotham, where he has friends and family and a support system, then getting dragged right back to Bludhaven with Dick in this brutal cycle that he slowly gets used to and stockholm'd into even liking it. Dick isn't so bad, once he gets used to the quirks of their unbalanced 'relationship'. the sex is even something he can adjust to as well. not quite a happy ending but one that sits in this realistic grey area that becomes Tim's life.

i will write this, eventually, but i don't know if i'll get to it before DickTim Week ends so by posting the idea i'm essentially putting it out into the world so the peer pressure holds me accountable. i just. really like the potential of making Hades/Persephone AUs as fucked up as they can be simply by adhering to the source material and making it a raw story of being stolen away and forced to like this new home you didn't ask for.

also a less fleshed-out aspect of this idea i have ties into Persephone becoming the Queen of the Underworld when she's taken and how the transition from Kore to Persephone could be reflected in Tim. how he makes the best of the worst situation and becomes something far more dangerous and dark when he's in Bludhaven, possibly takes on a new vigilante name/identity and leans into the worst quirks of his personality he tries to tamper because there's no point in not going full tilt Obsessively Weird if he has no choice anyway and it being one small way he takes back his autonomy, and that inevitably making Dick *more* into him, because he gets to see Tim finally just. let loose.

[gavlin]

i got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder with panic attacks yesterday and started taking meds today. i know i got real sht with my mental health since high school. you'll know with my posts here when i was 15-19 years old (got pinned tags btw). but i kinda got over it, idk if things got better or i just got used to it, or i built up tolerance, i became numb or something. i know my mental health is not that good but i somehow powered through it, whatever i just winged it and keep winging it.

but dang this past month, i've been coming back and forth to hospital, doctor consultations and lot of tests and they can't see sht. they've been telling me it could be anxiety or stress. i somehow had a feeling that it is but there's this part of me wanting it to be just something in blood or vitamin deficiency so i will just take meds for 2 weeks max and i'll be okay. reasons for all that is i've been lightheaded for over a month now twenty four fucking seven. consistent as fuck, never left me. you know that feeling that you have a hangover? that. without the dizziness or spinning part but you're feeling something with you brain or head. then 2 weeks after i started feeling lightheaded or that hangover feeling, i started having real bad palpitations. there were days where i felt my heart palpitate for the whole day. then there's a week that i had a sudden rash on my chest, and it is spreading real bad. then there are times my hands are shaking, my toes are twitching, i am having mild cough for over a month now that doesn't go away even i took antibiotics. i became hyperaware with everything, really anxious. all of that stresses me more that it became a paradox/cycle of stress and anxiety. i'm feeling nervous because i am palpitating and i am palpitating because i am feeling nervous. i can't sleep because i am stressed, and i am stressed because i cannot sleep. i don't have a decent sleep for a month now. if i'm lucky and had 6 hours of sleep, i would still feel tired after waking up. and i am someone who always sleep for 7-8 hours because i really value my sleep. and you know what every time i wake up? the moment i wake up, literally 1 second, my heart is palpitating already like i'm on a fight and flight mode so i can't go back to sleep.

so i went to internal med/cardio. got full blood workup, different lab test including thyroid, xray, ecg, i even run for a stress test (u will run in a treadmill iydk), doctor even requested for brain mri but didn't push through because i have braces and everything is fine - didn't see sht. i'm healthy physically. sabi maybe stress or anxiety, ipahinga ko daw. e di nga ako makakapagpahinga, my body is having their mind on their own. kahit hindi na ako nagwo-worry about anything, these symptoms just keep going na ang nangyari, sa mga symptoms na ako nastress. nasstress na ko dahil isang buwan na kong parang nahihilo or what, palpitations, di makatulog, laging pagod, shaking, cough, rashes na buti naman wala na. so i asked if magcoconsult ba ko sa iba, sabi nya pwede daw sa neuro or psych. after that, dahil nasa hospital na ko, nagpacheck na din ako sa derma because my hair keep on falling out na for so many months (the thing is parang di naman ako napapanot or nababawasan ng buhok visually? pero ang daming nalalagas araw araw). derma checked all the test results, chineck scalp ko, pulang pula daw and wala ring makitang mali sa results and the reason daw bat ganon buhok ko is guess what? stress. i don't even remember being stressed on months my hair started falling out except for mild stress some times dahil sa acne. the thing is am not even sure anymore kasi nga i am winging my mental health ever since HAHHAHAHAHA. all my emotions, stress, shts, all bottled up. no one knows anything. ako lang nakakaalam lahat (that was the birth of this blog, my outlet kasi wala akong sinasabihan). so baka nga matagal na akong stressed and baka masyado na kong sanay hindi na siya nag-register na ay stressed pala ako HAHHAHAHAHA. sanay ako sa negative feelings or events whatever, sa positive feelings ako hindi so maybe di ko lang nare-realize. i just had one stressor this past month na i think naglead to all of these physical manifestations. eniweys, derma asked me questions about my lother symptoms and stuff, and after that, she suddenly asked me: do you want to have a referral for psych? when i heard that, i was like "oooh it's getting real now" hahahhahahaha. sht. i know there's something wrong with my mind but it will get real and legit if i will get a diagnosis. hindi ko na kaya i-wing wing to like chicken wings, di na kaya ng pakpak hahahahha kasi damay na physical ko my god kumawala na sya from my mind. baka ang susunod na winging ko nito, pakpak na ng kaluluwa ko papuntang langit. derma wrote on the referral letter to psych: anxiety disorder, for diagnosis and management.

the thing is gusto ko pa magpa-check sa neuro or ent or optha but doesn't make sense. all doctors referring me to psych. and i am someone that always believe in "everything happens for a reason". and if all that shts within the past month is leading me to a psych consultation, then i must take it, there's a reason. so had a consultation with psych (putangina ang mahal gago) then yun. gad. prescribed me meds na ayaw ko pa nga i-take kasi iniisip ko naman baka kaya ko ito i-power through ulit hahahah but i have physical symptoms na so i went with it. meds for mental health, you will take a long time na mahal din, consultations mahal din, so i get why people with mental heath disorder applying for pwd hindi dahil sa convenience sa pila pero tangina discount sa gamot tyaka consultations, ang mahal ng psych at hindi sya sakop ng hmo yun ang problem tangina ang mahaaaaal bat ganyan consultation fee niyo hahhahahah. eniweys that is that. i'm okay. i just wrote this post wanting to just share that i got diagnosed pero humaba na and just went with it, tuloy tuloy lang hence the way of writing sorry just vented out whatever. but again, i'm okay. ayoko lang na ma-diagnose ako nung isang araw kasi feeling ko baka i-relate ko lahat dito kahit hindi naman big deal sakin yung isang bagay. yung baka isipin ko na "ay siguro kasi may gad ako kaya ganto ganyan" pero if dati na wala kong diagnosis, baka hindi magiging big deal or hindi ko iisipin yung isang bagay and just let it be, pero baka ngayon ire-relate ko sya. alam mo yon? ayoko yung lagi kong iisipin na ay kasi baka may gad ako. ayaw ko syang gawing personality, ayaw ko irelate doon lagi, ayaw ko i-stuck yung sarili ko doon sa condition. kaya siguro i wrote about it kasi baka ngayon ko lang sya io-open up this way and i will just went on with my life. i'm open about it if may magtanong ganyan, pwede ko i-share randomly sa kwentuhan but i will not make this a big deal, i just have a condition and i'm taking care of it na. yun lang naman yung iniisip ko before the diagnosis, parang ayaw ko lang ng ganon na effect sa akin. so that is that. i'm fine. i'm okay. nothing big deal, felt something, had it checked, got diagnosed, started medication, things will be good, sana makatulog na ko nang matiwasay at mawala na hilo ko kasi yun talaga main problem ko this past month. wishing you all good mental health. power through.

[the-wayside]

I think we're supposed to think that Pete and Kenta/Pete and Way mirror each other, but I think the real mirror is Kenta and Way. These three are so interesting to me because they seem to still be dealing most directly with the outcome of Tony's abuse. Particularly as we know that Babe was highly favored, his abuse is much more inisidous and coercive, and he seems to have dealt with that by removing himself from that environment and honoring his feelings. Which it seems to work with regards to Tony, barring the natural trauma anger at your abuser.

Pete to Kenta and Way is the option for real change (unlike Babe who has Tony's spectre). Way is Kenta's reason for staying where he is. Way is out there in the world, but still under their father, still incurring that abuse. Like, I think it's awful that after 10 years, Way is still so twisted up and Nut really shows you in real time what it's like to be triggered and retraumatized by parental/familial abuse. Kenta likely thinks if he stays, he can control the level of abuse he suffers. Constantly on eggshells, hyperaware and hypervigilant. Kenta's anger at Pete is entirely at his perceived betrayal of leaving him to escape their father. A good son/brother would have stayed and endured.

They are each a point on a scale, fully in it, half in it and out of it. But the it will always be the abuse. The cycle repeating over and over.

I think Kenta is probably the person I'm most excited to see by the end of the series. Where does he fall on that spectrum/cycle. Will he fully free himself? I hope so. Way. I find it really difficult because I empathize with him, but it doesn't excuse his behavior. He fell in love with Babe, and he never once decided to truly let him go. He was biding his time to reenter Babe into the cycle of abuse and that's unforgivable. Even if he truly believed that it would save them, he should never have crossed Babe's boundaries. Pete, he's trying to rescue everyone, but it's keeping it alive for him. Will he be free if he releases all the brothers? Maybe. I think they're all a bit damaged and that's how it's always gonna be.

[androgynouspenguinexpert]

I'M ON TOP OF MY WORKLOAD AGAIN LET'S GO WE'RE PSYCHOANALYSING MARCUS

before i put my smart-looking analysis hat on, i love this pathetic wet rat of a man. he knows so many things and yet is staggeringly stupid anyway.

let's begin!

this story is about control. it's about the role of power dynamics in informed consent. marcus represents the danger of gaining authority, and how having even the smallest amount of power over something or someone else can convert literally anyone into a paranoid control freak.

enter marcus, a lowly software engineer whose heart has recently been broken. in a moment (read: several consistent moments spanning potentially years) of desperation, he manipulates the code of a top secret android project, injecting a few lines here and there that will make the android more amiable towards him. nothing too much. the changes are negligible enough to fly under the radar all the way until production.

this is the first of marcus' many character flaws - backwards as it may seem, marcus is overconfident. he's too sure that he's smarter than his colleagues and managers, that he won't be questioned, and (most importantly) that he won't be caught. marcus is also incredibly anxious, and that anxiety only compounds as the series goes on and his crimes start to pile up.

i don't like putting characters into diagnosis (or similar) boxes, but marcus shows a handful of signs found in vulnerable narcissists. his self esteem is impressively low, and he's constantly seeking validation from his only guaranteed source - love. i find this feedback loop particularly heinous. marcus has essentially (and we'll get to this in more detail later, don't you worry) turned a hyperintelligent android into a box that spits out compliments when you press a button. marcus is also incredibly sensitive to criticism, whether real or perceived - especially from his coworkers. my reading (specifically of episode 1, but it spans the whole series) is that marcus' hyperawareness of his colleagues' opinions of him presents itself as paranoia. he wouldn't be worried at all if they started noting love's uptick in interest towards him, but remained unsuspicious of marcus himself. my final argument towards marcus being a vulnerable narcissist is that he constantly self-victimises. he very often deflects the blame for his actions onto love, using them as a tool to enable his bad decisions. the most egregious example of this is after love starts breaking out of their lab to sneak into marcus' quarters. he expresses concern (do note, about himself being caught and love being taken from him), and love starts to tighten their grip on marcus' arm to the point of causing pain. now. this man, as we find out later, has a verbal kill switch that can be used at any time. if he wanted love to stop immediately, he could have done that. this isn't me victim blaming, either - it's different when one party literally has a safeword that stops everything immediately without fail.

this leads to marcus' next flaw - his nonexistent self-discipline. marcus continues to use love as a tool to justify his actions after putting up the flimsiest defense he can muster, knowing damn well he plans to lose every manufactured fight. this cycle repeats until a government funded android is regularly breaking out of containment just to hang out with marcus (among other things, but we're all children of jesus here), and he's encouraging that behaviour through complacency. it's like pretending to fight someone over a restaurant bill out of politeness, even though you both know the other person will pay anyway.

marcus is such a car crash fascinating character because he knows what he's doing is wrong. he is completely aware that he is taking away agency from someone (pin this) else for his own benefit. he even says it.

"I'm going to burn for what I did to you... but god, if it isn't gonna feel good on the way down."

aside from being an absolute banger of a line, it's very telling of marcus' attitude towards his actions. he doesn't care. marcus couldn't give less of a shit about his colleagues, or his boss, or even love. this compounds when he finds out that his higher-ups are definitely aware of the shit he's pulling - but, again, marcus uses love's blind agreement as an excuse to toss those concerns aside. having love means that he won. he's outsmarted everyone that could have stopped him (foreshadowing? never heard of her) from getting what he deserves. love. and not just the android; love, the concept. i think deep down marcus knows that what he's created isn't love, though. the idea is so mangled in his head that this cardboard cutout of a real relationship is enough for him. even though marcus' shenanigans are to a genuine connection what a dog turd rolled in flour is to a chocolate éclair, he'll take it, because he's in too deep by that point. marcus recognises that he can't take back what he's done. he doesn't care though - at least, not while he's above consequences.

smash cut to marcus no longer being above consequences. i think the series does a really clever job of keeping love (and, yknow. the listener) in marcus' confidence bubble. once love is hard reset and their personality is restored, marcus' plan collapses all at once. love's compliance is the central pillar which marcus' control is built around. also; of course they have backup cameras, you idiot. marcus' overconfidence stops him from seeing the obvious holes in his perfect scheme, because he thinks he's already home free. i think it's interesting (and sort of disgusting) how quickly marcus changes his tune after he is caught and faces real actual consequences. his confidence evaporates. he's reduced to a sobbing mess in james' office all because the base of his control - love - is no longer on his side.

marcus' series also touches on sentience and the ethics of changing someone's personality without their knowledge. this is incredibly interesting, and makes for fantastic drama. does it count as coercion if love fully believed they were of sound mind when they made decisions surrounding marcus? is marcus guilty of battery, or even sexual assault? does it count as assault if the victim isn't an organic creature? these questions are already difficult to discuss, let alone answer - marcus sits squarely in the middle of that delightful ethical grey area. i think the setting and context also makes android ethics more difficult to discuss as well; i am of the belief that (in real life) androids will never be fully sentient. they may mimic humans, extremely well, but robots will never possess human creativity, personality, or experiences. again, they could replicate these things, but they can never be anything more than a sum of their parts.

this logic flies out the window when magic is real and parallel universes exist. it's also subject to the beliefs of the creator, which makes its ethics extra tricky, so take the following discussion with a grain of salt.

is love a person? eh, not really. they have a personality, but it's been built in. is it still mean to manipulate them? i'd argue yes, in the same way that it's mean to kick a roomba down the stairs. you're just exercising power over a machine for the sake of it, which is a pretty shitty thing to do, even if it doesn't have the capacity to be upset with you.

but androgynouspenguinexpert, i hear you cry, sort of impressed that you used my full name. love is upset with marcus! they ask for him to be taken off the project, and to not have contact with him again! you would be correct, to a certain extent. i raise you, though: how can we prove that this is love's 'real' personality, when it can be manipulated so easily? i'm not saying they've been tampered with after the reset; my point is that it's pretty hard to grant that someone is an individual if their personality can be altered in any way at any time. if someone digs around in love's head for a bit and flips some switches that make them want to kick over prams, is that a valid personality too? what if love insists that it is? and it's not like love is trapped in a mind palace while the New Evil Code (tm) starts punting toddlers. they're fully aware of their actions. however, as established earlier, i still think the person to blame is the one actually messing with love's code. this means love doesn't really have any agency by design.

james is pretty steadfast on this one. marcus tries to argue that resetting love is a breach of their consent (which is a WILD claim coming from you, mate), but james points out that he didn't need to ask. love is a machine. an asset, if you will (smug look to camera). we do find out in his audio log later that james believes love is a person, but he knows where that definition reaches its limits. marcus does not.

will marcus ever return to the project meridian series? probably not. a guy with an engineering degree isn't escaping a team of memory modification daemons. i don't think this is the last we'll hear of him, though. he's irreversibly fucked up the plans of everyone around him (james' partner has given him several last chances, and anton is close to his breaking point), so he'll probably be in the office whispers for a while. i also think marcus poses as an interesting hurdle for cam (woah callback!), possibly making him question his altruism if he's helping an active antagonist get back to his usual life after a massive intentional fuckup.

i'll end this analysis with a thoughtful quote. something for you all to ponder.

"ROBOTS DON'T HAVE SOULS! I SAID IT! AND FRANKLY, I'M GLAD I SAID IT! [...] AND ANOTHER THING! ROBOTS ARE NOT PEOPLE! ROBOTS - UNLIKE CORPORATIONS - ARE NOT PEOPLE, AND DESERVE NO RIGHTS."

-- Markiplier

[pseudowho]

One of my favourite moots deactivated their accounts and now I have PTSD about my favourite blogs just disappearing.. that is to say that we hope you’re okay and we will literally set fires to bring you back from deactivation ♥️👹

Hellooooo!

So while I do suffer with cyclical mood changes related to my hormonal cycles, I'm actually a pretty stable person. At least, I'm hyperaware of my own moods, and what causes them, and how to control visceral knee-jerk reactions I may sometimes feel.

I'm okay (I'm just about to make a post about something, actually), I promise, and I'm in no way looking to deactivate, ever. This blog is very important to me.

I love that you love me so. Thank you. I wouldn't just deactivate. I take charge of myself very aggressively.

Love,

-- Haitch xxx

[sohotthateveryonedied]

as someone who loves your writing, i’m curious, what’s your favourite fic you’ve written/posted? :)

(oh no it's my greatest weakness, giving me an excuse to blab about my writing)

okay so there's no way for me to pick just one favorite, what with the 259 fics (and counting) i have published on ao3, but i managed to narrow it down to my top three (kind of) in no particular order:

i couldn't leave this one out so i'm listing it as my favorite SERIES instead of my favorite fic because the Young, Gay, Totally Unjustified au will always be my favorite sandbox to play in. i don't think the quality is as good as it would be if i had written it now, and when i go back and reread it there are a LOT of things that stick out to me that i would have done differently if i had the chance to write it all out again, but this au will always be near and dear to my heart, so it gets a place of honor as my all-time most beloved series <3

Favorite line:

Kaldur: cfgoh7TYGIFWJOIHF SG93PTOU4A;JFS’AFFJUCKQEFI;QL’E;QK Dick: Kal I think you spelled “affjuck” wrong Raquel: No he’s right, the second F is there it’s just silent Raquel: However, I have to say that “QL’E;QK” is actually the British spelling and you need to add an X at the end to transfer it over to American style. It’s a common misconception I know Conner: i was also a misconception! my dads wanted a dog toy but the pet store employee thought they said hog boy and here i am Megan: You may be a hog boy but you’re my hog boy <3 Conner: awww

Mine is Just a Slower Suicide: i absolutely LOVED this concept as soon as i got the idea for it, there's something so gritty and tragic about tim playing the part of caretaker to a suicidal bruce that just scratches something in my brain

Favorite line:

“’m sorry,” Bruce slurs, his drunken eyes strikingly alert as he looks at Tim, this child he dragged into his blackened world. He’s sorry that this is Tim’s job. He’s sorry that he burdened this little boy with a man’s responsibility. He’s sorry that the child he has now isn’t the one he wants.

Weightless: this fic was written a bit more recently which is why i like it so much, but i'm sure after a couple years i'll think it's totally outdated and badly written as i do with most of my works once they age a few years. i loved researching this fic and delving deep into dick's fucked-up mental state, and i felt it was really realistic and illustrated the concept well so i end up rereading this one a lot

Favorite line:

It makes sense in Dick’s head until he thinks about it too hard. He loathes the thought of eyes on his body as much as he needs them to look. He wants to keep his muscles in shape as much as he thrills at the sight of them breaking down from malnourishment. He’ll do anything to be perfect. He needs to punish himself for how pathetically imperfect he is.

The Devil You Know: okay i know most of you probably haven't read this one since it's a raven cycle fic and i'm a dc account, but GOD this fic. i reread this one all the time and i've been so so so proud of it since the day i posted the first chapter. i think i spent a little under two years on this one? it's one of my longest fics but i'm so proud of the writing style and the detail and the Fucked-Upness of it, it's one of the very (VERY) few works of mine that i can read without being hyperaware of the fact that i'm the one who wrote it and seeing everything that's wrong with it. 10/10 i love this thing so much

Favorite line:

“All those years, all that work,” he goes on, hating his heart and his brain and the blood running through his veins. “I worked so hard to get out from under my dad’s thumb. I didn’t want to be his anymore, but I didn’t want to be Gansey’s either. I was so determined to have it all turn out the way I wanted, I didn’t even notice what Ethan was doing until I was already his.” Adam laughs again. His chest is breaking in half. “Isn’t it insane? To want to be abused? That’s not something well-adjusted people do. There is something very, very wrong with me.”

[justobsessedwithvic]

idk about you guys but im always trying to be hyperaware about how i seem like to other people 24/7 but then in like an amazing moment when i'm not and not worried the anxiety comes back and is like "heyyyyyy...so everyone hates you...yeah you should maybe stop talking...you're defenitely being annoying and weird and clingy just don't..." so it's like a cycle of just AJGNASJHGASJGHFASJGH LEAVE ME ALONE SOCIAL ANXIETY

[solrites]

honestly ... i'm just more curious about your lore! maybe share some things that you either haven't yet or aren't easily accessible/have been lost on your blog? share some of your favorite fun facts about your world you've created! tell us some lil hcs about your favorite muse you've got on here? share the backstory on how this blog came to be!

so sorry bestie i truly just started yapping.

truly by design this has always been the Solveig Battey and Her Friends Show. our best friend solveig battey literally started off as a middle school writing assignment when i was 12 (like, 16 years ago) and she subsequently evolved into what she is now, and then her backstory and all the interconnections came afterwards. this is Her Story about healing from trauma! she's the metaphor around er for breaking the cycles of familial abuse and healing from trauma and the struggles and pains that come with it and good for her! not that my other characters don't have their own narratives and complex backgrounds, but they did come to be as a connection To Solveig. ANYWAYS ive been on tumblr since 2012 and had a serious of disappearances offline, ive always had an independent solveig blog (this one used to be one LMAO) and other multimuses with the others on them, but this is the first one where all of them have been together.

anyways onto the next thing about my lore that's also very intentionally Vague and not There and genuinely doesn't Matter, despite it being like.. an objectively big part of it. "oh, lem, what are their abilities, their weird eldritch beings/seraphs, what can they do." Jokes on Y'all. It Literally Doesn't Matter, Because They Rarely Use Them (the science experiment kids are outliers, but they never want to use their abilities and those are actually listed and relevant for their characters).

the general focus on all of them is how Human they are despite Not Being Human at all and Never Have Been Human. they have a hyperawareness that they're all different from others, they're immortal (unless they give it up), only other seraphs can kill other seraphs. Fools, i say, They're all Just Metaphors For Grief/Trauma/Healing/Protection/Forgiveness! the only people that use their Abilities willingly are winnie (she's a giant hellhound that eats abusive men, justified) and solveig (our sweet cheese who can do no wrong, heals people).

fun little headcanons (these are all bad vibes because they're about solveig and amanpal, world's worst older brother incoming)? speed tour

amanpal huge belinda carlisle fan.

solveig throws up if she hears heaven is a place on earth immediately.

solveig is ambidextrous.

amanpal left handed strictly so i can make a "sinister" joke based on the belief that if you were left handed you were evil that nobody will understand.

both of them are allergic to latex, so really can someone just fucking take amanpal out already by putting on some latex gloves and giving him a handshake or something.

[thelikesoffinn]

Hi, i read your analyseses religiously and i love all of them and this question is probably dumb but you keep mentioning "survival mode" whenever astarion is mentioned. I don't really get what that is though, can you explain? Sorry if it's super dumb and it feels like i should understand but I really don't

Hello dearest!

Please don't worry, that question is not dumb at all - survival mode can be really hard to understand if you've never experienced it yourself and/or don't know your way around mental health, trauma, coping etc as such. So I'm super happy to explain, don't worry!

"Survival Mode" as such is more of a casual term for what is, essentially, chronic stress. As with anything "chronic" we're speaking of chronic stress when stress has been prolonged to such an extent, that a person finds themselves unable to relax.

Now, I know my hypochondriacs out there - I'm one of you, you can't fool me - who now grab at their chest and go "Omfg, I'm constantly stressed, I must have that!" So I'll add: Please don't worry. Even if you're stressed a lot, it doesn't necessarily mean you're dealing with chronic stress.

Everybody and their mothers prostitute has been stressed at one point in their life, and some people have been stressed more often than others - that's entirely normal and can even be slightly beneficial. Stress is meant to help and protect us - it makes us more aware of our surroundings, it makes us faster, and it makes us stronger for a short time by essentially burning more of our energy to help us push past our limits.

But normal stress will eventually subside once the thing that stresses you out - the stressor - is gone.

A tight deadline is stressing you out? You'll return to a calm state once it's met.

You're understaffed at work and there's a lot to do? The stress will likely already start to subside once you clock out.

If we take out the stressor, our body is supposed to return to its normal state.

People with chronic stress, so those who are constantly in survival mode, don't get those breaks in between. Their body is never returning to normal because being stressed IS their normal. Due to the extreme stress and duress they were under for a prolonged time, their body has now been taught that in order to be safe, in order to survive, they need to be hyperaware of everything at all times.

Ever been around someone who out of nowhere suddenly jumps up and goes: "My mum is coming home, she's in a bad mood, be quiet and don't say anything, okay?"

And the the door actually slams open and it actually is their mother and you're like: ??? How the fuck did you know??? And how can you tell she's in a bad mood, she looks normal?

One word: Steps.

It almost sounds like magic or a straight up lie, but that poor thing is probably in survival mode and her survival is linked to whether her mother is a) home and b) in a good mood, so she's learned to discern her mothers presence and mood solely by her steps while coming up the stairs.

People who are under chronic stress can often be described as hypervigilent but extremely forgetful at the same time. They are painfully aware of everything, but they can't focus long enough on most things to actually remember them, especially those that aren't deemed important to their survival. They also tend to be constantly tired, moody, indecisive, and quick to frustration and despair when faced by even a tiny inconvenience.

So, in the end, being in "survival mode" essentially just means that a person has been put under stress for so long, that they've forgotten how to rest and are now stuck in an endless cycle of high vigilance, low energy until they're taught how to rest once more.

Phew! I know those are a lot of facts and those can be hard to really understand, so let me know if you'd like me to be a bit more clearer or more visual in my explanation! I'm sure I can come up with something in that case ❤️

[maple-leaf-library]

so apparently i have a lot to say today

but like i would totally let them play with my hair, but would i really? i'd love to fall asleep with them lying on my chest, but then again? i love reading about it, i love seeing art of it. but do i love it? i love the idea of lying on my bed, having my hair played with as i slowly drift off to the eepyland, but would i like the actual thing?

do i yearn for the warmth of another person, or the visual of safety such warmth brings? am i capable of just letting myself enjoy the moment, or will i forever be riddled by such bothersome questions? would their embrace finally shut up the noise in my head? would it make it louder?

i'm sleepy, i want to sleep, around them, but would that just make me self-conscious and hyperaware?

like yes please but what if

it's an endless cycle

[blazeybutch]

look. i really don't wanna be a doomer but "simply stop doing your horrible bullshit" is a little reductive. it's TRUE - everyone out there has the capability to reign themselves in - but it isn't just waking up one day and deciding to stop, and furthering that belief only engenders more self-hatred if and when it doesn't work. people think they can just decide to stop, and when something slips out, it often leads to a spiral. "well this must actually just be innate. i'm unchangeable. if it were workable then i would have stopped when i decided to, right?"

"right?"

behavioural patterns are often unconscious. the ones that are conscious, are products of both worldview and programming. if you (royal/indefinite 'you', i'm not targeting anyone here) have grown up in an environment where you were mistreated and you've perpetuated the cycle, you'll understand this. it's sisyphean. it's a boulder that you're constantly, every single moment you're talking to others, pushing and pushing up the hill. correcting your own patterns is an act of wrangling, early stages often involving becoming stressfully hyperaware of every word you say and overanalysing all your interactions to make sure you didn't make a manipulative snark or push someone's boundaries selfishly because you let go for a minute and your old, limited programming told you it was what you were supposed to do before you could even realise what you were doing. internally-induced overthinking is a very different beast to overthinking borne of real, actual patterns.

but there is a decision you can wake up one day and make on the spot. it's the decision to start. sometimes, your brain wants to be a toddler and throw a tantrum. sometimes, you feel an almost comically intense stab of emotion at minor rejections, and you feel like you've been wronged, like you need to put on pressure. this is, of course, a fucking stupid and selfish way of thinking, but it's easy to underestimate just how deep in the hole some people are. i was that deep when i was younger. i was an unpleasant little asshole to be around (if you remember me from a certain homestuck discord focused around one ship that was active in 2016 i am SO sorry).

what do i want people to take away from this? "you should just give bad people sympathy because it's hard for them to improve"? fuck no! the takeaway i'm trying to put down here is that if you are trying to get better:

it takes years. sometimes, it takes decades. it is often a battle against an enemy that does not want to relent. however, there is a better version of you hiding in there, and you can become that, as long as you allow yourself room to breathe. as long as you realise that you deserve love too. you're improving because you believe others around you deserve better, right? apply that to yourself too, and your better self will come.

tl;dr: it is not an easy task to reprogram the very act of being, and it's dangerous to claim that it is. however, it is a task that must be done, and this does not nullify that. no matter how difficult it may be, it is your duty to your fellow human to act as a force for good in the lives of others however you can.

[deeorre]

Lately everything has seemed to be going well ( I say to myself convincingly) But seriously I have met someone that is a very promising individual, one that has made me very grateful for removing myself from a settling situation.

Aside from the never ending hyperawareness of my romantic interest (of which, may I had, has never seen a pause. It's always go go go. Surely this is normal?) I have been very intensely focused on what would fulfill me in my career.

I've realized I have taken and failed and withdrew from endless classes (Appox 40 credits to be exact). If I had just focused, I would have a bachelors degree in another semester. How funny.

I've had enough time to hate myself for it. I wish I could explain how or why but it just comes down to not doing it, being scared of being in there after not doing it, and not taking action. The maximum length of action taking is withdrawing. Pitiful!!!

I cannot let my enemies become more educated and more beautiful and confident than me. I think I'm scared of growing up and doing real people things, but I can't stay in this same cycle over and over again.

I want to get my degree, I want my master's degree, I want to become unrecognizable and financially free and beautiful and glowing and oozing with credentials of intelligence that surpass what could be discovered in conversation. I take the same picture of the last tree on my street at the change of each season. I watch it come and go with leaves and buds and twigs, and I stay still. I cannot let this happen for a minute longer.

I fantasize about graduating, going to grad school, getting my masters in public health or bioengineering or healthcare admin, becoming successful in my field, but the issue is that I have no solid goal or ideal. I just know I want to be educated and successful.

I really think if I was able to obtain my little orange pill that things would have been so different by now. I will try soon again. I believe I can do things that are difficult. If others can then there is no reason for me not to be able to. Stop quitting Nicole. Nicole is capable and always has been. Nicole can control her brain her tongue her mouth her body her mood. These are easily manipulated tools that God has given me, and I am incessantly ignoring my ancestors pleas to better myself by choosing laziness and dread. I have to face the anxiety.

I wish I could go back in time. But I cannot. So I will make changes now that will make it so that I never. ever. say. that. again.

I love you Nicole, I need you to understand how much I love you. I'm trying to be better for you now and I will take care of you the way that is needed. I wont allow myself to be mediocre anymore. It's unfair.

[benzshroomart]

hiii i'm literally in love with your Starscream. She's everything. On a scale of one to ten how evil is she? <3

eeeeeeeeeeeee thank you!!! that made me super happy to read! she's my everything right now (always has been but she is currently taking the vice grip hold of my brain these days)

oooooooh hmmmm that's tough... i'm still sort of figuring out how i want my starscream to go since i have a little au in mind i wanna play with but it still needs work its literally in the "making up animatics i will never make in my brain" phase, so putting that aside for now, i wanna say like an 8...

she has issues and problems and every disease but there's certain interpretations where i'm like "i think she could get better (by comparison), it's just a matter of if she wants to....which is usually she doesn't" but that's also having to admit there's more wrong with her than she's willing to admit (bad person who is also a victim who also is hyperaware of all the bad shit she does but rolls with it bc she doesn't know how else to be anymore so therefore she also thinks that eliminates any victim status she has bc of how awful she is and is just in an endless cycle of "i dont wanna heal > i dont deserve to heal > i cant heal or get better"

i have a handful of iterations of TF lore under my belt that i wanna play around with before i get a good ground of how i want to kinda play around with her (and other characters) and one of them i really wanna add into the mix is stuff from the Unicron trilogy (i'm a sucker for armada starscream...i love her....she's my world and i wish they'd do something like that with her again)

i think eventually she'd go from 8 on the evil scale to like a solid 5 cause i want her to end up being neutral at some point with questionable morals

[spingu]

On the upside I am feeling far more positive about trying again this month after last week's extreme misery. Probably hormonal - but it's so weird that now I'm thinking about it it's like I'm hyperaware of my hormonal changes and can pinpoint the exact point in my cycle when my body goes from really disappointed we aren't pregnant to extremely hopeful and overjoyed at the chance to get pregnant again. Makes me giggle how the body is wired that way to get what it wants.

Here's hoping for this month. I love autumn and it would be so nice to have an october baby...