#but a lot of people put this assumption on me from meeting me because of my social style and my physcial looks that i am innocent or always

[not-a-space-alien]

I've seen a lot of "You have to communicate directly/don't expect other people to read your mind" posts going around tumblr lately and while I really do appreciate them because it's a skill a LOT of people need to work on, I do want to remind everyone to please meet people halfway sometimes.

I recently read a story on Reddit about a guy's pregnant wife texting him "I'm craving donuts but we don't have any in the house 😔" and he DIDN'T stop to pick up donuts on the way home from work. Everyone was taking his side because "she needs to communicate" and "he's not a mind reader" and "How was he supposed to know she wanted him to get donuts???" People, ffs, why on earth would she text him that while he was at work if not because she wanted him to get donuts? I was flabbergasted everyone was taking his side. "How was he supposed to know??" What? Like yeah it's true she didn't say "I want you to get me donuts" with those exact words in that exact order but the reason why people get upset if they hint they want you to do something and you don't do it is because they feel like you don't care about them and aren't actively thinking about their feelings. Especially in a marriage or LTR they are in a situation where the assumption is you care about filling the other person's needs.

Someone who loves and cares about someone will get the donuts "without being asked" just because their partner expresses a want or need. That's what someone is fishing for when they say "Aaaah I'm craving donuts 🥺🥺🥺" It's less about the donuts and more about feeling cared for. Sometimes straight up asking "Can you get me donuts?" defeats the purpose.

Also, women are typically socialized to communicate this way because they're punished socially for being too direct. I've heard that people of color, especially black people, often do this too because they're likely to be branded as "aggressive" if they're too direct with white people. So it might be a good idea to be a bit intersectional if we're trying to encourage people to be more direct.

Take the stereotypical example of a wife gets a new haircut and then gets upset that the husband doesn't notice. She's not literally mad at him for not saying the exact words "I like your new haircut." She's upset because she feels like he doesn't look at her and appreciate the efforts she's putting in anymore.

Obviously this will vary widely depending on the nature of your relationship with someone, but especially when it comes to intimate partnerships, there are certain things your significant other should not have to tell you directly. It's probably safe to assume your wife or husband wants a birthday present even if they don't ask for it. It's probably safe to assume your bf or gf would appreciate a valentine's day present or a compliment without them having to literally ask for it, unless they explicitly say otherwise.

This is difficult for a lot of neurodivergent people to learn manually if it's not instinctual and they didn't learn it growing up (lord knows I didn't) and yes, it's true that most people (especially NT people) should learn to communicate more directly. But also, your relationships would probably benefit from learning to read indirect cues and just pick up the donuts on the way home because you heard your wife is craving them. Sometimes what someone wants is for you to think about what they're feeling and what they want and do it without them asking directly. It's up to you whether or not you do that, but sometimes that is asking. I think this is what people generally mean when they say their partner is "thoughtful."

[disneyprincemuke]

is it killing you like it’s killing me?

alternatively: we haven’t spoken in almost a week (prev)

in which she and logan try to navigate the worst part about dating your literal coworker

(series masterlist)

logan sits in his seat, leaning forward to prop himself up on his elbow as he tries to type away on his phone in the least awkward way possible. he hears the heels clicking against the gravel first before he catches a whiff of a familiar floral scent.

he doesn't turn his head directly, just shifts his eyes to his side, watching his literal girlfriend walk right past him without even stopping by to greet him. he can almost make out the sound of her sweet voice amidst the noise around him, her shocking choice for a dark motif outfit contrasting against the pure white of the person next to her.

only then he realises that his girlfriend is quite literally walking around the paddocks with mercedes personnel. she engages in casual conversation with susie wolff every once in a while around the paddocks, but never has he seen her out and about with her. mick trails behind them, looking down at his phone as he matches their pace.

upon simply walking past the williams patio, mick looks up at the lack of the younger driver's acknowledgement of the guy in blue sitting very obviously in the white chair. mick cranes his neck back, shooting logan a questioning stare.

to which, logan only shrugs. mick is one of the few friends that she decided to tell; by that, he means that they got caught sneaking around the paddocks last year right by the haas racing home.

"still walked right past you?" a british accent makes logan tear his eyes off his girlfriend, meeting alex's brown eyes as he approaches the table. "how bad was the fight that you guys had?"

"pretty bad," logan mutters with a small smile, putting his phone down gently on the table. "did george tell you anything? did she tell them anything about the fight we had?"

alex frowns, shaking his head. logan came out and confessed that they, in fact, have been in a relationship for about two years. at first, alex was a bit appalled that logan was able to lie to him so fluently for the majority of the season.

after he processed his initial reaction, which only took about a minute or so, alex cheered and congratulated logan. as far as alex was concerned, it physically hurt to watch this young man be head over heels for someone he presumed to not be as interested in him as he is with her.

with his new-found knowledge of their involvement, alex went on a mission to pry george and lando - the people she's consistently stuck with all week - to try and figure out if she's said anything to them. or, has at least told them what's running through her mind.

alex did immediately run off. he was not glad to find out that his friends found out before him, but was very excited to share his new discovery.

he ran to the mercedes' racing home about an hour ago, squealing and giggling as he yanked george away from toto to talk. they were shortly joined by lando, spewing detailed accounts of the night he caught them in japan on a date.

then lando dropped his giggles, shaking his head at the assumption that their fight looked like it had gotten pretty bad. george then perks up, whispering very softly and incoherently about how bad it had seemed two nights ago during the opening ceremony rehearsal.

"they said she's been quite reserved since the first night," alex explains, lips pursed as he tries to remember everything that had nothing to do with the fact that he disappeared for a hot half hour because they derailed from the original topic of conversation.

alex found themselves talking about how they saw her crying in max's arm the other night, then concluding the conversation with what hair colour he should get next. "they said she's been with max a lot. hasn't even really talked to oscar, lando said."

logan scoffs, locking his jaw. he's not saying he's jealous of max verstappen, though it does seem to be that way to the naked eye.

okay so he's jealous of max verstappen. but in his defence, who wouldn't be? logan finds himself consistently at the back of the grid race after race, and there is his girlfriend sharing simple celebrations with the two-time world champion.

more often than not, on a race weekend, when she has to force a little distance from him to avoid partaking in the rumour mill, she's adopted by the older drivers to shower with information and a lot of love.

"yeah, she was walking with susie earlier," logan gestures at the long stretch ahead of them in the paddocks. "and she's wearing black."

"black?" alex repeats, raising an eyebrow. "like full black?" logan nods. "oh, you guys have got to talk soon. how long haven't you talked?"

"about a week."

"god," alex cries, rubbing his eyes. "okay, okay. we'll find a way to make you guys talk, okay?"

"how? she's been avoiding me all week. and i think this is something we need to come together on our own and figure out."

logan does have a big ego, but it all seems to fall apart when it comes to her. it's always been a topic for shits and giggles growing up though that seemed to change after they went on their first date.

almost immediately, everyone could tell how head over heels he was just for her.

"yeah, but neither of you is even trying?" alex points out, tilting his head and furrowing his eyebrows. "are you serious?"

"i can see how i worded that wrongly."

alex pushes his chair back, heading straight for the building behind them. "i will consult the madman. wait right here."

"whoa!" logan calls out, throwing his arms in the air. "you told your girlfriend that i have a girlfriend? dude, you were sworn to secrecy!"

"you're not as convincing as (y/n), from what i heard," alex purses his lips together, shaking his head. "and, lily knew before me, anyway. oscar's girlfriend whispered it in her ear when they went to the club last night when (y/n) refused to go out on the dance floor."

"fine. but come back with good news only."

"i'll try my best."

"it wasn't easy, i guess," toto shrugs, his office chair being manoeuvred around his small office by his feet planted against the floor. he stirs the coffee in his cup and looks at the girl curled into a ball in the chair on the other side of his table. "you need to put each other above the results of a weekend. you should not have let that get to you."

"but i guess it is kinda hard watching your girlfriend achieve the things you want to also be achieving," susie mutters, fingers pressed against her lips as she thinks.

for susie to know of her relationship with logan, you'd have to date back to over two years ago. susie had been fully vouching for her, trying to get her opportunities in a higher level to help her progress. so, of course, she had to excitedly tell susie about it.

if there was anyone who would be supportive, it's her. and susie didn't find a problem in their relationship, only claiming to tread carefully since they are always racing against one another.

susie is just more surprised that the difference in performance and the pressure of it all only just got to them now. racing alongside one another in f2 should have been the one that did it, but she guesses it's because they used to be a lot closer in the results back then.

"basically," toto sighs, blowing cold air into his cup of coffee. "put your relationship first if you want to make this last. and i know logan means a lot to you, so i am sure you will find a way around this."

"but why did it feel like it was my fault that he wasn't achieving the same things as me?" she sighs, throwing her head back into the wall with a soft thud. she looks at the ceiling of toto's office, knees to her chest as she hides away from the cameras and the prying questions of those who know of their relationship.

"you need to come together in the moments of hard times," toto mutters, shaking his head. "he's not doing well; you are doing well. find a middle ground."

"how am i supposed to do that, toto?" she yelps, melting into the seat, legs and arms spreading as she scratches the top of her head. "we literally just had the biggest fight of our relationship. two nights ago, i didn't even think there was no other way out of this but a breakup until max made me talk to susie."

the reason she's been following max instead of sebastian around all weekend is because she thought that he would be able to figure it out with her. alas, they were both stumped that night of the rehearsals, sipping on beer in a nearby bar.

she found herself hopeless, bracing herself to admit defeat to the pressures of dating someone within the sport. until max perked up after chugging half his glass of gin and tonic, eyes shimmering as the greatest idea he's had all night finally came to him.

"you know who i bet had to navigate a tricky situation?" max asked her, pointing a finger to her face knowingly. "susie and toto."

she hesitated, but max did make a compelling case. all he had to say was: "she used to race and he was an investor in the motorsport."

"i think," susie speaks, then pauses as she flutters her eyes to think for a moment, "that you're both great kids."

"thanks, that's exactly what my mum said," she answers flatly, unamused at the answer.

"so it might not be as difficult to resolve it," susie smiles. "i'm sure you can find a way."

"i'm here because i don't know a way," she repeats, throwing her arms around in the air. "you can't just say that to me and expect me to come up with a resolution instantly. i've avoided my boyfriend for almost a week because i thought there was only one solution!"

susie exchanges a smile with her husband, who is quietly giggling to himself at his table. then she looks at the young driver with a smile that emits less ridicule. "i can't do that for you. you have to figure it out with him; not us."

"are you saying i need to go and talk to him?" she frowns, folding her arms over her chest. "like i have to go up to him and talk to him? in person?"

"you can't do it over text message," toto frowns in confusion. he lifts his eyes to look at susie. "right?"

"she can," susie laughs, sitting on the armrest of his seat. she looks at the driver again. "but she shouldn't."

“handle this like an adult.”

“fine.”

logan was simply minding his own business in his driver's room when alex barged in (he's been doing that for the past week because he knows there's no possibility of a girl inside) and dragged him out.

he wasn't going to ask questions, he just followed alex blindly, dropping his head low in confusion.

right by the steps that lead into the william's racing home, their small group is huddled into a makeshift circle. they're leaned in with hushed whispers and excited giggles with lando even getting a bit loud with every couple of words he said.

she likes to call them the elite group that's somehow managed to find out about her and logan, though everyone argued with her that they didn't make much of an effort to really keep it under wraps.

"okay, so we came up with a plan," alex says, finally letting go of logan's sleeve.

max lifts his head, hands on his hips. "i wouldn't trust any plan you come up with."

"hey, i came up with that plan," lily.m scoffs, holding a hand against her chest. "excuse you."

"oh, then that's better," george agrees with a smile. "so what have you come up with?"

"really? you trust a plan that had alex's input on it?" lando cries, scratching his head. "you're gonna break them up! that's not the outcome we're trying to achieve, people! focus!"

"highly offended, actually," lily.m frowns. "like you can come up with a better plan."

alex waves his arms in the air in an attempt to hush the chatter that his friends are in. "no, listen! it's a good plan!"

"i also have a plan," mick speaks up, reaching his arm out into the middle of the circle to get their attention.

"i'd trust him more than whatever you two have come up with," max mutters, pointing at the couple accusingly.

logan actually appreciates the banter that's going on and it almost makes him forget the real reason they've all gathered here today. it's refreshing to be the one in the middle of older drivers' conversations.

this must be why his girlfriend has grown quite fond of them. but it's hard not to feel like an outsider.

"hey, we spent the better part of our alone time in my driver's room scheming!" alex defends himself, reaching out to push mick's arm away.

"hey, don't do that!" george laughs, smacking the back of alex's hand. "apologise!"

"guys," oscar finally speaks up. "i think we should address the problem at hand?"

"we will, but max says my plan would never work!" alex squeaks. "take that back!"

"i'm only speaking the truth!"

"but mate-"

"what are you guys doing?"

"hold on, (y/n), max is being- (y/n)!" alex screams just as everyone turns their head to find the smaller girl looking up at their group with a weird stare. she holds a pepsi tightly in her hands, pressing it against her chest as she takes an innocent sip.

logan feels his heart drop at the sight of his confused girlfriend standing there staring at them with wide eyes. but he also just feels an overwhelming surge of relief finally being this close to her again.

oscar is right: this is the longest they've gone without talking since they all met during karting. even his months-long trips back to florida never kept them apart from one another for this long. a couple days at best before they start falling back into old habits.

"we're having a," max trails, turning his head back to desperately search for somebody who can finish his sentence for him. "a..."

"we're discussing what to get for supper after the opening ceremony later," lily grins, elbowing oscar beside her to push him forward slightly.

oscar stumbles a step forward, clearing his throat as he meets his best friend's eyes. "yeah, we haven't found a place yet. we were just about to find you to ask you if you had any ideas!"

"and you're all going together?" she asks suspiciously, her eyes slowly scanning the participants of the circle. she momentarily meets logan's eyes before she settles for oscar's gaze again. "all of you?"

lando looks around, realising how weird their group has grown to be. he takes the initiative to answer her: "yeah. why not?"

she presses her lips together, moving her head to the side slightly to show him that she's not entirely buying the lie. "really?”

“yeah,” max nods excitedly. “we couldn’t find you so we discussed first.”

“but i’ve never seen you,” she points at oscar, then at logan, “and you hang out with george before.”

logan raises his eyebrows, taken aback by her sudden verbal acknowledgement of his presence. he shrugs, then turns his head to oscar for help.

“what, we can’t get to know each other over dinner?” george calls out with a scoff. “all this criticism — do you even know of a place we can go to to get some late-night food?”

“can it wait?” she asks sweetly with a small smile. “i kinda need to talk to logan alone.”

there’s a moment of silence.

“you’re making dinner plans without us, aren’t you,” mick jokes, furrowing his eyebrows at her. “why would you do that?”

she laughs, walking towards her boyfriend with a hand held out to his arm. “i just need to steal him for a little while — i promise we’ll head out to supper with you guys tonight.”

her hand lands on logan’s arm, wrapping itself around his arm. “we’ll catch you guys later?”

“okay,” max answers hesitantly. “don’t forget to think of where to eat.”

“max,” alex says through gritted teeth, hitting his shoulder.

“what?” max asks innocently, throwing his arms in the air as they start to pull away from the group.

she barely takes two steps away from them before she whispers to him, “can i talk to you for a bit?”

“yeah, of course,” logan nods, putting a hand on the small of her back. “your room?”

she nods with a small smile, then picks up her pace. she reaches back for his wrist, making him flinch at the first feel of her skin he’s gotten in the longest time. but he doesn't pull away, just lets the sliver of skin he can feel past the cuff of his fireproofs warm him up.

she rushes up the stairs leading up to the door of her racing home, head hung low as they navigate an all too familiar route. a route he hasn’t taken all week, but has been wanting to, and coward away from.

they’ve only got 15 minutes to figure this out in one sitting before it’s considered suspicious. they never stay in for too long to avoid suspicions within her team. just like a teenage couple would, they eventually keep the door open to prove that they're definitely not doing anything suspicious inside.

she greets her team principal with a small smile before she disappears into the stairs with logan still letting himself be dragged in by her. she makes a quick sharp turn into her room and closes the door behind her.

she faces the door, her heart racing in her chest and her hands start to sweat at the thought of confrontation over their intense fight. she came straight from toto's office and went to find logan, only to be told by james that he was dragged out by alex a few minutes prior.

she takes a deep breath and turns around and barely has the time to process just how much she's missed her boyfriend because she's being pulled into his arms in a tight hug.

"i'm sorry," logan mutters into her hair, his arms desperately clinging to her smaller frame.

she slowly lifts her arms, wrapping them around his torso to return the tight grip. "i'm sorry. i didn't mean what i said - i'm sorry."

"no, you're right. it's not my fault that i can't deliver for races. i shouldn't have taken it out on you," logan sighs, pulling away. "it's- oh, please don't cry."

"i'm sorry," she repeats, starting to heave heavily out of guilt. just the sheer thought that breaking up might have been the only way has been eating at her all day. "logan, i-"

"please don't cry," logan whispers, his lips pressing as a knot forms on his forehead. great. now they're both crying. his thumbs swipe over both her cheeks in an attempt to dry her tears but the new ones just keep undoing his efforts. "you can cry but don't make me cry. only one of us can cry at a time."

and then she couldn't hold it in anymore. she breaks into a louder cry. "i'm sorry i thought breaking up was the only way out of this. i'm sorry - i just didn't see how we could have moved past something as big as what we were fighting about. i love you, logan, but i didn't know what else i could do. i'm sorry."

suddenly it felt like someone had thrown a knife directly into his chest. the entire week, the thought that she might have considered breaking up with him came up many times. he was good at keeping those thoughts at bay, but hearing it directly from her lips just felt different.

it hurt differently when it came from the person you think is your soulmate.

"oh."

she stifled a sob when he straightened his back and dropped his hands from her cheeks. "i didn't know what to do. i'm sorry. i didn't know how long more we could go on walking on eggshells every race we would have. i hated hurting you like that every weekend. i hated seeing you force smiles, laughter and neverminds just to accommodate to me.

"i," she cuts herself off, forcing herself to swallow the sob that's bubbled up from the deepest part of her chest. she tries to blink her tears away, but it falls anyway. she turns away from him momentarily to wipe it away on the cuff of her fireproof. "i couldn't keep doing that to you."

"you," logan sighs, throwing his head back, palms covering his eyes. "you really think that i care about any of that? i contemplated; i told you, two years ago every single outcome our relationship could have on us! you knew this was bound to happen and now you're telling me you thought about ending it over this?"

"because i saw the way you would look at me every weekend! you didn't look at me the way you did in singapore when i was up on that podium when we were in bahrain at the start of the year. you can say you love me and that you're happy for me, but i can tell!"

"tell what?"

"i can tell that however much you loved me wasn't going to be enough for you to push away the growing feeling of-" she sighs, and tears her eyes away from him. she settles for the teddy bear sitting on her bean bag. she presses her lips together, jaw locking as she hates herself for what she's about to say. "of eventually hating me."

"why would you ever think that i could grow to hate you?" logan rubs his face roughly, then runs his hands through his hair. "i- god, i'm so in love with you! i was - i am - happy for you, but i could also see the pity in your eyes every weekend that i would finish behind you! you're sorry for me! i don't need that from you - everybody already always looks at me that way."

"because i know you on the track! i've raced against you my entire career - i know what you're capable of!"

"then why do you keep looking at me like i'm always just going to crash out every race?"

"i want to see you succeed! i hate seeing you like this! i hate having to go everywhere and watch and listen and look at people speaking about you like this! you're nothing like what they say!"

"i don't need your pity! i need you to be my girlfriend - i put you above what happens on a race weekend. if you succeed, then you succeed and then you can go and celebrate! but i never minimised any of your achievements just because my race went haywire. if i crash out and you've somehow managed to break a record, that's okay! it's doesn't fucking matter, because your achievements obviously mean the entire world more than that.

"stop trying to think of what i will feel when you succeed. i'm your boyfriend - i am always going to be happy for you. separate our results from our relationship. if you keep letting it get in the way, this will never work."

she straightens her back and snaps her head to him. "you want to break up with me?"

"no," logan sighs, shaking his head tiredly. he takes a step forward, her eyes dropping to his feet then lifting it to meet his eyes. "i don't want to break up with you, i'm just- i didn't speak to you very nicely before we left for vegas. i think i didn't word myself appropriately and i'm sorry."

"you were right about some points, honestly, it doesn't-"

"i didn't mean to blame you for the way i was feeling, and neither was it my intention to back you into a corner because i couldn't get a grip in an f1 car. it's not right."

"but, logan-"

"stop trying to take care of me and my feelings. i promise i always literally get over it when i see your team throwing you around when you make history."

"that's not fair," she says softly, leaning into his touch when he lifts his hand to cup her cheek. "you can feel feelings too. i don't want you to deprive yourself of that."

"i can be sad about it another day that doesn't interfere with you. it doesn't matter what i'm feeling retiring from a race when you never fail to deliver results."

"that doesn't solve my problem, logan. i don't want you to hate me."

"i'm never going to hate you," he laughs softly, throwing his arms around her for another embrace. "why would you ever think that?"

"because i've seen this happen to friends in the same field. one succeeds more than the other, and the latter can't cope. it almost always ends up falling apart."

"emphasis on 'friends'," logan smiles slightly, bending down to meet her at her height. "you're my girlfriend. we're always going to have to find ways around shit like this. we knew that when we started dating. right?"

"yeah? but it just doesn't sound like a solution i'll be okay with."

"i promise i'm trying to get better so i can redeem that one deal we made in bahrain at the start of the year."

"god, logan! you're disgusting!" her hand comes down to land a smack on his shoulder.

he bursts out laughing and leans down again to make their noses touch. "we're going to be okay."

"really?" she grins shyly, her hand resting above the back of his hand that's pressed up against her cheek. "you really think we'll be okay even if we're in f1 for the rest of our lives?"

"i know so. i know that because my mama didn't raise no quitter - i'm never leaving you."

"why'd you have to ruin it?"

"it was getting too sappy."

"maybe i preferred you guys when you were fighting," max scoffs, walking away from the seat he's just been evicted from. "you were able to act like two normal human beings."

"everything about this week is normal!" george cries, shaking his head. "she wore sunglasses indoors after making fun of me for it! how is that fair?"

"i literally told you i'm sitting next to logan," the younger driver states, glaring at max. "you went and sat next to him anyway. you did this to yourself."

"we're in america - it's called first come first serve."

"i literally don't think that's how it works," alex sighs, turning to look at max. "be better, max."

"trust me, i'm trying."

kidy/n

liked by logansargeant, blythe.yln and 73,482 others

kidy/n guys we’re still friends i promise i just can’t stand him when he makes me go fish with him because huh

view 13 comments…

comments on this post have been limited.

logansargeant no cuz why did u post this

logansargeant i thought you were joking

kidy/n learn to take me seriously every once in a while idk

oscarpiastri appropriate picture to end the us races imo

sebastianvettel ?

yukitsunoda0511 i’ll go fishing with u logan :/

lilyzneimer i’m going to have to disagree on this y/n

kidy/n please say jk right now i know you’re not defending this fish murderer

georgerussell63 hahahahahahahaha

kidy/n ?

williamsracing can we borrow these pics? asking for a friend

kidy/n merch with these photos?

williamsracing we’ll deliver it straight to your doorstep

logansargeant ???

@littlesatanicassholebitch @what-is-happening-helpp @myxticmoon @gentlyweeps-world @nerdfromanotherworld @n7ytiri @alliesreblogs

[f1byjessie]

A PICTURE IS WORTH A THOUSAND WORDS ━━ LN4.

sometimes the right words are hard to come across, and sometimes everything you need to say can be captured in an image.

( lando norris x photographer!reader )

━━ part four.

“Saw McLaren posted pics of the new car,” Jack says in lieu of a greeting when he sees you after the weekend. He picks up his pace and crosses the distance to meet you where you’re fumbling with the keys to your “office”, and then he takes a few of the many equipment bags you’re attempting to juggle, saying as he does so, “You take any of those or no?”

You laugh, “Ah, no. They actually hire on a whole studio crew that does that. They’ve got lights, green screens, special camera lenses, the whole lot. The post-production on those photos is mad though.” You get the door unlocked and usher him inside, “I got to sit in on it once, and it’s crazy how much work goes into getting just a couple week’s worth of promotional content.”

He sets your bags down where you direct him to and then offers you a snarky grin, “Still probably would’ve looked cooler if you took ‘em, to be fair.”

It makes you laugh again. Jack seems to be good at that, and it feels nice to get along so well with someone you work with. You’ve found a surprising friend in him. At the end of your conversation on Friday, you’d exchanged numbers and he’d made you promise to reach out if you needed him for anything. You hadn’t, but he’d still sent you an unflatteringly angled picture of Kyle Walker from after their match against Newcastle, followed quickly with━ “use this in the next media drop thx,” and the chatter had gone from there.

You set down your own bags. “Well, thank you. Pretty sure it’s not as fun as this job, though.”

And you mean it. You’ve had opportunities to switch over to studio photography, and though you respect the people who do it and the unique challenges it poses in its own right, there’s nothing like being upfront and personal with all the action, getting to see the athletes in their element and know them on a level that goes beyond an hour or two shoot. You wouldn’t trade it for the world.

“Wait,” you pause, hands stopping just above where you’re ready to start sorting through your equipment, “since when did you keep up with Formula One?”

Jack shrugs. “I don’t. But you work for that team, yeah? So I figured I might as well see what they’re all about.”

“Well, if you need something to do during the summer, let me know and I’ll see what I can do,” you tell him, resuming your sorting. “They give me extra tickets for each race but they usually end up going to waste.”

You don’t bring up the falling out you had with your parents at eighteen when you told them you were going to pursue photography or the fact that you haven’t really talked to them in years because of it. You also don’t mention that due to the strenuous, near-constant traveling and the strict schedule of your job, your friendships are limited to the athletes you work with and the other McLaren staff that travel with you━ all of whom have passes of their own, for obvious reasons.

Jack, thankfully, doesn’t ask about it either. Whether he’s made his own assumptions or respects that it’s probably a sore subject, he leaves it alone and the two of you carry on in companionable silence.

You get your equipment unzipped from the bags and organized across the room per your system, guiding your temporary helper with pointed fingers to where it all should go.

The silence is only broken again when he asks you a question. “You got a favorite driver?”

It’s so out of the blue that you nearly jump, startled by the suddenness of it against the quietness of the room. But then you laugh and shake your head. “Officially no, but just between the two of us, me and Lando started at the same time so he’s got a special place in my heart. He’s also my best friend.”

Jack raises an eyebrow, “Oh yeah?” Despite the persona he puts on, you think he secretly loves gossip. “How’d he take the news about you being with Ward, then? ‘Cause I’d have some choice things to say to any friend of mine if they got with a prick like that.”

You purse your lips, divert your gaze to avoid Jack’s eyes, and shrug, fiddling with the neck strap of your camera as you do so. “I don’t know.”

“You ‘don’t know?’”

You shrug again and feign checking over the settings as if your camera’s aperture is suddenly the most interesting thing in the world. “He hasn’t been picking up my calls,” you start, “or answering my texts since the paps released the pics, so.”

When you glance back up, Jack’s making a face. “So, your best friend finds out you’re dating a total bellend, and instead of asking you about it or at the very least taking the piss, he ignores you?”

When he puts it like that, you feel a bit stupid for being more sad than you are angry.

All you can do is shrug.

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yourusername ladies and gentlemen, jack grealish (i was threatened into posting these, send help pls)

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You decide that if Lando gets to be petty, then so do you.

The thing is, you’d told Lando you wouldn’t replace him with any of the guys from Manchester City, and you’d meant it━ you still mean it, despite your frustrations and annoyances with him telling you otherwise.

But if he’s going to play games, then so are you.

Technically you hadn’t started the relationship with Garrett willingly, but Lando doesn’t know that, and even if you had that doesn’t give him the right to go about ignoring you. You’ve been supportive when he’s gotten girlfriends━ you even ate greasy pizza, drank cheap wine, and cried watching The Notebook together when he ended his long-term relationship back in 2022. He could at least pretend to be supportive, or better yet he could pick up the fucking phone. 

As pathetic as it sounds, you’d let him yell at and berate you if it just meant he’d answer your calls. Because having Jack around to gossip with and shoot the shit is nice, and he really does help you not feel so alone at Etihad Campus, but Lando’s your best friend and he has been for years now. There’s nobody that understands you as well as he does, even if he is a twat half the time, and what you need now most of all is that particular Lando brand of annoying to cheer you up.

The door opens, drawing your attention from where you’re scrolling through McLaren’s newest posts. Garrett stands in the opening.

The memory of that night still lingers like a bad taste in your mouth, bitter and unpleasant. You’ve managed to avoid him for the most part in the time since then, ignoring the looks he shoots your way out on the field or in the weight room, and lucky enough that his meetings with the physio team keep him preoccupied so that he can’t seek you out in between training sessions. You’d known it was inevitable that you’d have to face him, but that doesn’t stop the dread from pooling in your stomach when you see him standing in the doorway with his arms crossed and an eyebrow raised as he surveys the makeshift office you’ve done up for yourself.

“They couldn’t find you an actual office?” He comments, looking disdainfully towards your desk and the large Manchester City logo emblazoned across the front.

You shrug, wishing he’d just get to the point. “I’m only here for a few months. Doesn’t matter much to me. What do you want?”

He takes a step farther into the room and closes the door behind him, taking his sweet time to cross the distance toward the seats. When he’s finally lowered down into one, he looks up to you with a nonchalance that fills you immediately with anger.

“I’m making some amendments to our agreement,” he announces.

“Like hell you are.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Did you seriously expect people to believe we’re a couple if we never actually do anything to give off the impression of being a couple?”

You scowl. Obviously, you hadn’t expected to just skate by on the coattails of pictures from a single night. You’d known from the very beginning that you would eventually need to make another public appearance together at the very least if you wanted to keep the paparazzi fed and encourage the idea to the media that you’re in a committed relationship with one another. You’d just been hoping you would’ve had more time until then.

“I’m not an idiot, Garrett,” you grumble, crossing your arms in your seat. You had been looking through pictures from the day’s morning practice, but now you think having to look at any more of Kevin De Bruyne’s grinning face will make you lose your mind when you feel the furthest thing from happy.

“Obviously,” Garrett scoffs. “But you’re the one who said I get one kiss and nothing more. Newsflash, love━” your scowl deepens, “━couples do more than just kiss one time.”

“So what are you suggesting?”

He pulls his phone from the pocket of his joggers and swipes across the screen for a few moments of anticipatory silence. “Well,” he finally says, “it’s the sixteenth now. We haven’t got a match until the twenty-sixth. Go on a date with me this weekend.”

You can’t say no. There’s no plausible excuse for you to get out of it, and deep down you know the only way you can get rid of Garrett is to just do what he says and hope the media make their conclusions about his change quick enough that you can ditch him before the summer break.

At least during the Formula One season, you can use traveling as a reason to get out of dates. When the Champion’s League starts back up he’ll be traveling around Europe a bit more than he is now, and there’s always a chance you could be in the same country at the same time, but the likelihood of your schedules aligning is slim and that means you’ll be safe from any ventures out into public.

But for the time being, you’re stuck.

“Okay,” you reluctantly agree.

He claps his hands, a deceptively cheerful grin on his face. If you didn’t already think of him as the worst prick you’ve ever met, you might’ve found it charming. It’s the same smile he used to flash at you in your first week when he was trying to cozy up and ease his way into your good graces. The sight of it makes you sick to your stomach, now.

“Great,” he rises from his seat. “We’ll do some shopping, get some lunch━ make a full day out of it.”

At this point, you don’t care what he has planned. You just want him to leave you alone so you can try to at least pretend like you’re gonna finish the rest of the work you need to get around to.

Garrett’s made his way to the door and has his hand reaching for the handle when he turns back around and gives you a smirk. “Might wanna work on your happy face, though, love,” he comments, gesturing towards you with a nod of his head. “‘Cause if you look like that in front of the paps they definitely aren’t gonna be very convinced that you love me.”

Just to spite him, you let your scowl deepen. “I don’t need your advice. I know how to handle myself, Garrett.” You say his name like a curse━ like the very feeling of it on your tongue causes you pain.

If he notices, he doesn’t comment. His face turns thoughtful, but there’s still the smugness painted across his features that makes you so unfathomably annoyed. “You must be pretty familiar with the paps if you’re always around those drivers, yeah?” He knows the answer to his question already, so you’re not sure why he’s even asking.

He stays silent, though, like he’s genuinely expecting an answer, so you shrug your shoulders. “Obviously.”

“Obviously,” he repeats back to you.

His laughter is all you hear echoing in your ears even once he’s long gone.

Until your phone starts to ring and Lando's name flashes across the screen.

━━ tags: @maih23 @urfavnoirette @leclercsluv @f1luvur @formulaal @a-disturbing-self-reflection @starlightpierre @chezmardybum @marshmummy @405rry @sideboobrry11 @d3kstar @mcmuppet @happylittlereader @casperlikej @5starl1ght

━━ a/n: cliffhanger hehe~ also, i promise we're getting to ACTUAL formula one stuff soon

[iouinotes]

Show-off | Mike Ross

pairing: Mike Ross x female!reader

show: Suits

genre: smut word count: 2,9k

summary: you and your co-worker Mike dont get along very well. But when you have something that he needs, suddenly everything is different.

a/n: Just watched the first two episodes of "Suits" and something about Mike is really attractive-

Working in a well-known office as a lawyer has it's advantages. Such as being respected by business people or being able to afford a lot of things, you spend all your evenings analyzing documents rather than meeting actual people.

Nevertheless, sometimes there are also negative factors. For example, my co-worker Mike, who really believes, that he is with his ridiculously skinny tie and sarcastic humor better than the others. Or right now, better than me.

"God, I cant believe you. Can you behave for once?" I use my fingers to push my hair back in frustration, noticing how my head starts to hurt. Its 10 pm and I'm currently trying to stay calm, though because of one man in particular, my nerves seem to be getting thinner within seconds. Valuable time is wasted that I could spend somewhere else instead of with him.

"Now it's my fault, that you don't have the documents with you? Sorry, I can't help you being organized in your own workplace." His voice irritates me. Everything about him is so frustrating.

"I told you, I didnt get the message! How am I supposed to know, that you need something, when you don't tell me anything about it? Maybe you should stop being so childish and ask me in the first place, instead of running to Rachel!" If our job had nothing to do with justice and we werent literally standing in a law company right now, I would kill him. And then I wouldn't hesitate to go to court and say it was self-defense, because I didnt want to hear any of his miserable excuses anymore.

"So what do you think, I should do? I need these documents for tomorrow. Please, I know you don't like me, but it is really urgent." Why does he has such blue eyes? The look he is going me is even more irritating than his voice.

I sign, exhibit my laptop and try to put the pens back, that are laying all over my desk.

"Okay, fine. As I said, the documents are at home, so-" I don´t even get to finish my sentence.

"Great, so I'll meet you there. And I wont even tell anyone, if your place is a mess." His eyes wander over my messy desk, and even If I don´t like to admit it, it's a bad habit of mine. But, he shouldn't make any assumptions about the neatness in my apartment.

"I hope you loose the documents on your way home." At my words, he grins smugly.

"Well, then I could lie and say you didnt found them anymore and I hadnt had the chance to go through them." He leans towards me.

"I'll run you over with my car." He raises his eyebrows at my threat.

"You sure should do something that makes you smile more often. Is that even something you know how to do?" I show him my middle finger and turn to left my office. When I close the door, I hear the laughter in his voice.

"The next storm should be named after you as quickly as you left the room." He follows after me.

"Can you shut up for once? Oh, I forgot. You don´t last one second being silent. Thats a shame, the world could finally heal." His hand rests on his heart, his features fake a hurt expression.

"Ouch. You really don´t like me that much, huh?" His eyes try to search mine.

"You get on my nerves on purpose every fucking day. Should I thank you for that?" I turn my head to look at him.

"Yes, you should. Your life would be so boring without me." He grins at me again from the side, that typical grimace that is always adorn on his face.

"You wish." When I tell him my address, he raises his eyebrows, but before he can make an unfavorable comment, I get into my car.

Darkness surrounds me and when I see him going away, I lower my head to the steering wheel. He really is the best at confusing my emotions.

~~~~~

I turn off the lights of my car and get out of it, so I can finally make my way to my flat. Its not something special, I mean I have a living room, which is quite big and connected to the kitchen, a bedroom and a bath. But I am very lucky, because I have a small balcony, from which I can watch the stars at night. But I usually only do that when I can't sleep.

So, when I enter my apartment, I let my eyes wander over the manageable mess, I put some clothes back in the closet and the dishes in the washing machine. The place almost looks decent, when I hear the doorbell.

As I open the door, I'm nervous for some reason. I let him in and turn to my office drawers, looking for the document.

"Nice place. You live here alone?" His fingers trace my bookshelf, I see him reading the titles.

"No, my wife is still at work." When I look at him dead serious, I see him laugh in surprise.

"So, you do have humor. I thought, you were one of those exceptions that wouldn't be able to do that." He means it as a joke, but something in my chest hurts.

When I reply with a monotonous voice, I see his eyebrows pull together. "I live here alone. That's what you wanted to hear?" I'm getting more frustrated again with every second he's around me.

"No- I didnt mean it that way. I'm sorry. My intentions were good, I promise." When I look at him for a moment, I see his honest expression.

It would be so easier for me to hate him, if I didnt know, he was a good human. Well, most of the time.

We are silent for a moment, but when I hear his footsteps, I tense up.

"What are you doing?" He's now standing right next to me.

"Helping you. You seem a little, tense?" I glare at him for a moment and he raises his hands in defense.

"Just pointed out the obvious. But dont worry. You still look lovely." I stop in my movements at his words.

"Thats such shock for you?" His voice shows surprise and a certain curiosity.

"Only that you say it." I look into his eyes.

"Well, you may think I'm dumb, but I'm not blind."

He just called me beautiful, sort of. It´s confusing me.

When I finally find the documents, I hold my hand out to him.

"I don´t think you are dumb. I think you're annoying. And a show-off. I don´t like that." His eyes follow me.

"What do you like then?" His question surprises me. He slowly takes the documents out of my hand, his finger gently brushing mine.

"I don´t think that is any of your business." I try to clear my voice. His touch makes me shiver.

"Come on, tell me. Would that be so bad?" His whole presence is making me nervous and I feel my hands start to shake.

At work, I can always hide behind a mask, pretend that nothing he does affects me. I can act like I truly hate him, even though I catch myself looking at him, from time to time. Especially when he shows off his intelligence without realizing it, impresses his clients and -I would never admit it- me too. It's a certain charm about him, the way he always knows how to answer, while being mischievous and clever about it.

But now, that he's in my apartment and so close to me, it's suddenly different. And I don't know how to react to him being nice.

"I look for someone who isnt afraid of commitment. Someone who is honest and kind, but who also challenges me. I want to feel safe, so I can put my trust not only in myself."

He nods and is quiet for a moment, I begin to feel stupid for telling him all of that, when he responds.

"I get that. Someone whose shoulder you can lean on when things get too much. Someone who meets your needs, who wants to be in your life. For longer than a one-night stand." He smiles at me and I see for the first time, why I possibly could like him.

"Also, statistics show higher rates of being robbed or kidnapped, when you have one-night stands." This remark almost makes me laugh, even though it's frightening.

"Well, who would even notice, if I would disappear? Probably only my clients, because they need me." I lower my head, being completely honest with him for the first time.

"I would notice."

When I look at him, he takes a step towards me. His fingers gently slide over my shoulder and brush my hair aside, the touch makes a warm feeling bloom in my chest.

"I couldn't annoy you anymore. My life would be pretty boring without you. And it's not so bad to be able to look at such a pretty face every day, even if it always looks at me annoyed, like all the time." I quietly laugh at that, feeling surprisingly good because of his compliment.

We look at each other, now being really close. My eyes travel to his lips and I don´t even know how it happens, but suddenly he is all over me. His lips on mine, his hands on my waist, lifting me up to sit me on the desk. I moan softly when his hands tangle in my hair and he pushes himself closer to me, so that he's standing between my legs. One of his hands gently wraps around my neck and I feel my loud pulse.

My hands move too, stroking his back and holding him closer to me by his tie. As he pulls his lips away from me, he lifts my chin with his finger. Now, looking down at me with widen pupils. I hold his eye contact, forgetting all about my issues with him, when he speaks to me with a deep voice (which I suddenly don´t think sounds irritating anymore).

"Be angry at me tomorrow and mine for tonight. I bet, all your frustration from work and your thin nerves can catch a break, what do you say?"

Not much. Because I pull him towards me by his tie and kiss him again. I don't want to stop at all anymore. He returns the kiss with the same enthusiasm and his hands find their way to my waist again to lift me up again. When he crosses the living room with quick steps and lays me down on the sofa, I already feel out of breath and clearly turned on.

His kisses become more intense, his lips move from my mouth to my neck, leaving marks there. But it feels too good to make him stop.

"I will gladly hear your excuses, when someone asks you about your hickeys tomorrow. Because you will be all flustered, when you think again about this moment. Where you are ready to be fucked by your colleague, who you despise so much." I whimper as he pushes up my dress and his hands pull my tights down to my knees. The cold air hits my skin, but I don't really notice it, because his lips are on my neck again and his fingers connect first with my stomach and then further down. I hold my breath as his lips touch my ear and his fingers stroke my folds.

"So wet for me. Didnt think, I would turn you on this much." I kiss him to shut him up.

"You are-" I moan, when he finally puts a finger in me. "-so annoying." He laughs at me.

"Am I? But you seem to like it." I feel myself getting wetter, his fingers feel so good as they move gently but firmly inside me. One of his hands moves to push my dress further up and somehow, he manages to pull it over my head. Now, I'm lying in front of him in just a bra, his hands slowly find their way over my body and to my back, which I lift slightly so that he can open the clasp.

When I lie naked in front of him and he massages my breasts, his lips touch mine and his fingers stimulate me, I feel like I'm in heaven.

He breaks apart, so he can look at me and I draw my eyebrows together, when his fingers increase in speed. My mouth opens and the sounds that escape me echo in the apartment.

"I'm- god, I think I am going to come-" at that he starts to tease me, going slower but a lot deeper. My eyes almost roll back as he hits a certain spot inside me.

"That feels good? What do you say, when you want something?" You stupid idiot.

"You stupid-" I begin to say as his lips graze my nipple and his finger scissor and stretch me out further.

"One word, darling. Say it." And because I feel this knot inside me (and maybe this side of him turns me on, like a lot), I finally open my mouth to please him.

"Please, Mike. I-I need to-" My sentence is cut off as his fingers speed up and I moan loudly.

"Thats a good girl, you can be so good to me, if I make you." His lips search mine as I finally come. My breathing is heavy and when I come down from my high and look at his face, I see the satisfied expression.

"You are done-" I can't maintain my strict facial expression and suddenly have to start smiling. His eyes widen in surprise and I raise my eyebrows, still smiling softly.

"What?" I quietly laugh at his expression.

"Nothing, its just- I have never seen you smiling so happy." I roll my eyes gently. As I look at him closer now, I see the bulge in his pants and the loosened tie. As I lean forward, his eyes shift to my body.

"You still are fully clothed. A bit unfair, don't you think?" I watch him swallow and my hands move to his chest to slowly unbutton his shirt. As I also remove the tie and slip the shirt from his shoulders, I sit myself on his lap. Rocking my hips forward and seeing his eyes close. His hands move to my hips and begin to control the movements, my eyes close too and my head leans into the crook of his neck as the movements become faster.

Sighs and heavy breaths leave his lips and once again, one of his hands moves to grab my breasts, lightly grazing the nipples.

I look at him, noticing his swollen lips and his flushed cheeks. His hair is a mess and his forehead is furrowed, but he tries his best to pull himself together.

I groan as I look at him and suddenly think back to todays afternoon, when he was on a phone call and I heard how he listed one reciting fact after another, without any difficulty.

"What are you thinking about?" His voice pulls me out of my thoughts.

"N-nothing" I'm definitely too embarrassed to admit how much his intelligence and the way he seems to know everything, turns me on.

One of his hands moves to my entrance and teases me by just circling around it. When I try to push myself down, he pulls his fingers away.

"You tell me, whats going on in that pretty head of yours and you'll get me." My body feels so hot, I can't think properly anymore.

"You where on a phone call today and you just- you listed without any effort every single point that will help you win the case. You just said it like- it's nothing."

When his fingers dig into me again, I bite my lips. I try to control my moans and not pay attention to the fact, that I just gave him every opportunity to make him be more complacent than his usual self.

His fingers pump into me and I feel slightly overstimulated. But I wouldnt want to stop now.

"You get off by the thought of me, saying memorized facts? Who would have thought that my intelligence would turn you on so much." God, his ego probably doesn't fit in this apartment anymore.

"Don't think too highly of yourself, you still annoy me." Now I'm really just trying to get myself out of the situation. I lean towards him, so he can't say anything anymore and pull on his blonde hair to distract him.

Moans escape my lips and when I notice that his noises are also getting louder, I pull away from him. He looks at me confused.

"I want you inside me." Thats all I say, but he quickly complies with my request. I slide off his lap and wait for him to take off his pants and boxers until he's finally on top of me again. His fingers find my bottom lip and while maintaining eye contact, I open my mouth so he can insert a finger. My tongue brushes against his and after a few moments of him pressing on my tongue, he lets his fingers move back to the spot that needs him the most.

He stretches me for a few minutes until he finally guides his cock to my hole and slowly penetrates me. My eyes close and I hear his breath in my ear as he pushes further.

"You are so tight- good thing finally someone fucks you." I nod without thinking and hear his laughter in my ear.

"You think so too, huh. Would you let anyone fuck you then?" My stomach tenses, I feel the pleasure growing again and every movement of him. This feels so good-

I try to shake my head, but I'm too lost in the sensations to pay much attention to his words.

"No? But I thought, you hate me. Why would you let me fuck you, if you don´t even like me?" His thrusts become faster and more uncontrolled, I feel him getting closer to his own high.

"I-" I try to stutter "d-don´t hate you." I feel myself getting closer and reach into his hair, pulling at the roots and feeling his lips on my shoulder. His thrusts become more powerful and as he moves his hand and massages my clitoris, suddenly everything goes white in front of my eyes and I come.

I feel every inch inside of me, feel his fingers brush over the visible bulge in my stomach and think to myself: god I feel so full

When he comes too, I moan so loudly that it's impossible that my neighbors didn't hear me. His hand finds its way around my chin, he slides a finger into my mouth and I feel my vagina tighten because of it.

He hisses and his thrusts slow down until he finally pulls out of me, trying not to fall on top of me. As I give him some space next to me, he falls halfway on me, but pulls me on top of him in the next second and I can hear his strong heartbeat. With his outstretched hand he pulls the blanket over me, that had fallen to the floor.

We both try to catch our breath and as the minutes pass, only the wind outside is heard. He is the first to break the silence.

"So, you don't hate me?" I lift my head from his naked chest to look at him.

"Only sometimes." He shakes his head and smiles, gently stroking my back.

The evening went by quickly, we ordered a pizza and ate it (clothed) on the terrace. We were going over his documents for tomorrow, I blushed at the thought that this was the real reason he came here, but he just hugged me from behind after we finished and continued watching the stars.

It's not really clear what this evening means for us, but I don´t want to get into that, not yet. Because I'm not sure what it means anyway.

Because now, I have to get used to the fact that his voice no longer irritates me, that his jokes no longer annoy me and that he as a person, is actually not as bad as I imagined.

"Who thought, I was the one to get you relax."

But he is still a show-off.

[gatheringbones]

[“I told my mother I thought I might be trans in a lengthy and overly apologetic email, which she didn’t quite know how to respond to. From her perspective, my transition had popped up out of nowhere, with no prior warning signs. She was convinced I had been brainwashed into transitioning, and agreed to meet my counsellor for a joint meeting with me, primarily to meet the person she felt had brainwashed her child into transitioning.

My mother describes her first meeting with me presenting as Laura as very difficult for her, due in no small part to her inability to see me as anything but her very traditionally masculine son in a dress. For a while she knew but did not talk to my father, which she found very difficult. She told me years later that she went through a period of mourning, feeling like her child had died, and that she was left with a stranger she did not know. It put a lot of strain on her, and on our relationship as parent and child.

Why the assumption I was brainwashed? Because of autism infantilisation.

Before we talk more about my journey coming out as transgender, we have to rewind a little bit to something else that went on at around the same point in my life: my diagnosis of Asperger’s. By the time my mother attended that appointment and met me as Laura for the first time, I had already been diagnosed with Asperger’s, which was part of the reason she was so worried about me. She was not aware of any statistical link between autism and gender dysphoria, and in her eyes I was a vulnerable young person with an autism spectrum condition who was being manipulated into transition because I was easily swayed, or lacking in ability to assess my feelings on the matter properly for myself. This is depressingly common: an adult’s assumption that having an autism spectrum condition means you’re incapable of proper self-understanding, or that you’re susceptible to being manipulated into believing things about yourself that you did not previously. You’re not trusted as being of sound mind to make choices about your own life, out of fear you’ve been manipulated.

Speaking to my mother years later, now she has somewhat settled down and got used to me going by Laura and female pronouns, she told me that her biggest fear, and the primary reason she agreed to attend that first joint session together, was that, as a youth with Asperger’s, my therapist was influencing me into believing that I was trans. She feared it was some kind of brainwashing that my gullible mind could not resist the allure of, rather than believing my own account of what I was experiencing.

I also faced this same issue with doctors when trying to access medical support through the NHS. I would have general practitioners, mental health doctors and gender specialists alike raise an eyebrow when I acknowledged my Asperger’s diagnosis, and then proceed to take plenty of extra time asking me lengthy questions about how my autism symptoms manifested, to ensure I was of sound enough mind to make permanent choices about my body. Apart from the obvious infantilisation of people with conditions like Asperger’s on display there, I always just explained it as being like the decision to get a tattoo. I am an adult, over the age of 18, who has been deemed sober and mentally sound, and as such I have every right to permanently inject colours into my skin that may never go away. Why should I not be trusted to take slow-acting meds that are somewhat easier to reverse? Still, the fact I had to fight to be believed that I was mentally sound enough to make that choice says a lot about misunderstandings about autism spectrum conditions, but highlights that to assert that transition is unique in the permanent nature of its change to the body is completely inaccurate.”]

laura kate dale, from uncomfortable labels: my life as a gay autistic trans woman

[oblique-lane]

Sniper tf2 mentality

Today I will be talking about Sniper's personality because I often see people portraying him DRASTICALLY different abd I wanted to understand what's going on and why all of the interpretations are correct (in my opinion)

Let's name the most prominent thesises:

Sniper is shy and introverted.

Sniper is unhinged and bloodlusty and is annoyed by people.

Why do i think that these aren't exactly contradictory?

I think at this point it's safe to assume Sniper is autistic (I mean lol this is easier to prove than to disprove). As an autistic person myself, I can see why he could be perceived like that.

Sniper doesn't talk to people and mostly observes them and the situation. Very in tune with his profession. That, however, might be perceived as being shy or very introverted or both. People love talking and expect others to share information, yet Sniper never says half of the things he's thinking about.

But let me tell you, it's NOT because he's shy. If he was shy, it would show in his body language as being stiff and rigid. He's not. His body is pretty relaxed and takes enough space. Still crosses his arms, but in a "don't bother me" way, not a "please don't judge me" way.

He's just disinterested.

I relate to it a lot in real life! People at my job think I'm too shy to talk to them, but no, I just DON'T WANT TO. I'm not scared of any if you, there's just nothing to talk about. I don't know your business, you don't know mine, our interests don't collide. If I talked to you about my interests you wouldn't listen anyway. Small talk? Ew, are y kidding me?

However, I like to listen. I'm an extrovert personally (unexpected huh) so I love being around people, but it doesn't mean I have to takk to them. I'll just sponge the information they are babbling about so I know my community better. When I meet new group of people where everyone knows eachother but me, I'm not going to feel awkward, it's perfectly fine to observe.

Sniper seems to fit into this kind of behaviour too. So he's not shy in a social anxiety sense".

NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT THE BLOODLUST!!

Yeah you all know his in-game voicelines. You feel either horny or assaulted after he rolls these sadistic words on his tongue. Yes I said sadistic, are you gonna argue?

"We professionals don't give speeches we just take a shot" he says in the comics. OH YEAH? IS THAT WHY YOU HAVE THE MOST FUCKING VOICELINES OF ALL OF THEM??

Have you ever noticed how much attention he puts into saying how 'professional' he is? Like, yeah no shit, they all kinda are. But why, unlike other mercs, he insists on calling himself a professional with standards and morals, detached from emotions and feelings, so much???

There's literally no reason to be ashamed of being a killer and to admit that you enjoy killing people, you were hired to Mann Co. for that specifically!!!

My assumption: it's a personal disgust towards himself and his anger issues. I've said it before already and I will again.

His so called 'shadow side' that he suppresses so much. It loves to cause people pain, it loves releasing the inner anger, it is being feral and impulsive in nature. Sniper cannot let himself be like that for whatever reason. He's already built a clear picture of what he is in his head and he doesn't want to destroy that.

The only time he allows himself to be a monster is in the battle because it comes naturally. However, when it's not a situation of adrenaline rush, when people want to talk about his persona face to face, he starts to defend himself and bury his face under the lies he believes in.

And THIS is anxiety. To be scared to be truly perceived. Not like many people tried, but I assume he wouldn't like it.

Bro really thinks he doesn't have feelings lmaoooo imagine being so emotionally immature the only way to process your emotions is to shot a human dead.

So, is Sniper anxious? Yes. Is this social anxiety? No, he's not shy. Is he an unhinged murderer? Yes. Does he identify as one? No. It's really a little bit more complicated than the two thesises from the beginning.

He's a person. Obviously not mentally healthy. High dimensional. Can be potentially broken or healed in terms of a good character study.

I might be very wrong though and most of the assumptions are simply guessing by grasping the patterns, but usually when I analyze someone like thus, it turns out mostly right. But correct me if you feel like it.

[skrunksthatwunk]

one kill la kill detail that's particularly dear to me that ive never seen anyone talk about is how blatant mako's crush on ryuko is from the get-go

like, mako doesn't really go out of her way to make friends. she's sometimes friendly with people, especially when she happens to be around them (i.e. maiko, gamagori, satsuki), but we don't really see her seek out friendship in the way she does with ryuko. they meet briefly before school, but ryuko doesn't even say a word to her. but then mako does stuff like immediately eagerly waving ryuko over in class, trying to tackle-hug her, declaring them besties because they're desk neighbors. do you think she and that guy ryuko replaced were bffs bc of this? or any of the other people mako has sat next to? no. and while one could argue that maybe she tried and failed with everyone but ryuko, her persistence when it comes to ryuko (which ryuko herself comments on and which is evident before ryuko really accepts her company (i.e. before she moves in with the mankanshokus)) doesn't seem to be present with anyone else. mako knows what it's like to be lonely, but she has no reason in particular to latch on to ryuko, other than, perhaps, that shes someone she hasn't tried yet. but she meets new people pretty often, and that doesn't lead to much interest on her end.

it seems more likely that something about ryuko caught her attention from the jump, likely how cool and pretty she is (something she talks about a LOT.) she talks (with her family) about how hot ryuko's body is, how good her old pajamas look on her, compares her tit size to satsuki's (which means she was either staring at both of theirs or that she simply feels that ryuko's are bigger, likely out of loyalty or respect for her (think big dick energy)), etc etc etc. like she's always fawning over her and cheering her on and showing her off as her "bestest friend" to mikisugi and aghhhghdfhgdjdjdh she's so gay man. what the fcuk

this isn't really present throughout the series, but she's often seen blushing or sprouting nose bleeds or ogling ryuko in early episodes. like any time there's a WOAH!!! HOTTIE BOOBA NAKED crowd reaction shot there'll often be a little mako alongside the horny guys blushing or peeking between her fingers or whatever like. she checks her out

she also is immediately very welcoming and supportive of ryuko. she tells her family to leave her alone when she's talking to senketsu and that it's not that weird, defends her in the fight club episode, literally invites her to uhaul on day one (classic lesbian maneuver) like. and she's also always talking about how close ryuko and senketsu are, that ryuko and senketsu are closer to each other than anyone else, that, while she's in ryuko's corner, she never really asserts herself as ryuko's best friend, even though she's very clear that ryuko is her best friend. she thinks she comes second. she's a very good sport about it, but something about that natural assumption that she's not her #1 is a little sad to me, though maybe she's just giving ryuko space and understanding in a very generous way. again, she's very supportive. like she's always doing what she can to cheer ryuko up or help her along, like bringing her lunches and standing up for her when the students of honouji bend the rules in their favor (like in the tennis episode). she's very "ily!!!! no pressure. but you're great :D" and i love that for her (though occasionally when shit gets dire she'll put her foot down, especially as the series goes on, i.e. rebelling against satsuki, the wedding dress scene, insisting this and that about the ryuko she knows (esp right after the time skip)

she's also got her cuddly streak. about half of it's reserved for hallelujah moments but there's also the scooter ride and her calling back monster-ryuko and the post-recovery nuzzling (i love that scene ehehhehdhdhshdgcvzkzh) and the epilogue moments and her GLOMPS

anyway my point is she loves ryuko and she does from the jump and she's great and i love her and ryuko loves her too but that's a separate post and yeah!!!!! girlfriends <3

[befuddledcinnamonroll]

I've been thinking a lot about expectations this week.

A number of years ago, when I was visiting my brother, he criticized me for not doing something that he expected me to do. It was a frustrating talk because he wasn't at all willing to hear my perspective. But what bothered me the most about it was when I said "you can just ask" and he said "I shouldn't have to".

I was doing everything culturally expected of a good guest, I didn't even know what his extra expectations were, and yet he felt entitled to be mad at me for not automatically knowing them, and not living up to them.

It can be so easy for us to let our expectations get ahead of us, to make assumptions based on our own perspectives, and to then feel let down.

And I feel like I'm seeing a lot of this kind of thing in people's experience with media these days. There seems to be a clash happening between expectations and reality. And people feeling genuinely upset when the reality is not what they wanted.

I'm seeing a lot of complaints and "critiques" that seem to fall in to the category of "this is not how I personally want this to go" or "this doesn't resonate with my personal experience".

To be clear, I'm not saying this in a pointing fingers kind of way, because I have 100% done it myself.

When the trailer for Cutie Pie first came out, I got so excited imagining Kuea as some bad boy living a double life. He was going to be so hard to tame, he was going to put Lian through the wringer, and it was going to be amazing.

What I got was something very different from what I expected, and I struggled with the show.

But it was a really valuable learning moment for me. Because everything in the trailer was in the series. It was my interpretation of it, of those few minutes out of hours of material, my assumptions about the moments not yet shown, that caused me frustration.

That was a turning point in my "let's see where the journey takes us" philosophy. And I have to say, engaging in QL has been a hell of a lot more fun since I learned to let go of what I thought should happen.

I still have critiques of shows, of course I do. Nothing is above criticism. But I don't get so personally affronted now when something doesn't do what I expect. I'm more willing to see where the destination takes us before I decide the journey isn't working.

Of course I am still human, and I still get caught off guard sometimes by expectations I didn't realize I had let slip in.

But I have found my experience immeasurably improved by considering a few things when I'm watching a series:

Am I leading with curiosity, or judgment?

What is happening here culturally? What assumptions am I making based on my own background and country of origin? What happens if I step back and look at the bigger picture of how this culture engages with media? Do I even know, or do I have more to learn?

Is this actually bad... or is it just not for me? Is this just not resonating with me? Is it making me uncomfortable? What can this discomfort tell me about myself? Is it a bad show, or just a show I need to walk away from?

Am I more focused on the story I want told, and not paying enough attention to the story that the creators of the series want to tell? What assumptions am I making about their intent?

Am I only focused on what the value is for me as an individual, and not considering how this may be making other people feel seen or be meeting their needs? Can I acknowledge that there can be inherent value in things that do not give value to me personally?

There is value in critique, but there is also importance in self-reflection and understanding why we are feeling the way that we are, and when our own setting of expectations may be playing a role.

It's funny that in some ways this seems to be a reflection of what a golden age of QL we are living in - there are so many options, and time is so scarce, that I can see why people are frustrated when they feel like a show is not living up to what they wanted.

But as someone who has lived multiple decades without this kind of media, and only relatively recently having been able to experience it...there is a lot more to be gained by reveling in what you are loving than over what you are hating.

[echobx]

Twin Flame 5 - pervy!bsf!JJ Maybank × pervy!bsf!fem!reader

summary: y/n opens up to possibilities, especially a future with JJ

word count: 1.7k

warnings: smut, p in v (protected), fluff, aftercare, soft/fluffy pda

author's note: why is there only one IKEA in NC???? and why is it so far away from the OBX????? let's pretend they have one closer to home all right bc IKEA is life

series masterlist ♡ part 1 ♡ part 2 ♡ part 3 ♡ part 4

   JJ didn't know why exactly you were mad at him for it all. He didn't understand why you had left to go inside, and he also didn't know why you had not come out yet when Cleo had. 

   “She good?” he asked her, and Cleo simply nodded. 

   “Needs time to think,” she smiled and sat back down next to Pope, his hand instantly on her waist to pull her closer. JJ couldn't help but look at them, the closeness and adoration so perfectly on display, without shame or guilt in any of it. 

   He wanted to go check on you, make sure you were alright, but he was too scared that something like last time could happen again. Losing you for good was something he knew he wouldn't survive. 

   But when you still hadn't come out after half an hour, he got scared and made his way towards you. 

   Knocking on the door, he gently pushed it open. You were lying on the bed, his shirt made you seem even smaller than you were, the way it engulfed your whole body, including your legs that you had tucked up under it. Your hands were placed over your closed eyes, not moving even an inch as he went to sit down by your side. 

   “I'm broken,” you mumbled, and he stroked over your hair like he'd done a million times before. 

   “You’re not broken, y/n,” he whispered to you, and you moved your hands just enough to glance up at him. 

   “How would you know that?” 

   “I just do,” JJ shrugged. 

   “You can't know that.” 

   “Of course I can. I know lots of shit about you.” 

   “That's not the same,” you shook your head and looked back down, eyes fixed on the hemline of his shorts. 

   “Why do you think you're broken?” JJ kept on caressing your hair, stroking over the back of your head. 

   “Because I don't know what love feels like. Because what Cleo said is normal, that's not special to me. It's never felt any different, not now, not before, not ever. She said it got more, bigger, but mine has always been the same. I have to be broken.” You are steadfast in your assumption. 

   “I don't know either. Sometimes I'm unsure if it's you or the bad food I had a day earlier,” JJ laughs and you snort. 

   “Dumbass.” 

   “We don't have to be sure about it for it to work. I'd rather do this with you forever than risk it with someone who's gonna run away as soon as I pull shit,” he told you, and it made sense to you. “You already are my partner in crime, always were.” 

   “What are we going to do then?” you asked, looking back up into his blue eyes. 

   “We start slow. I'll take you on a date, we see how it goes, and then we go from there.” 

   Three days later, you were to meet JJ at the beach. He had put together a small picnic, and he had waxed your board for you. The surfing part went smooth as ever, you were simply having fun with your best friend. And the date part wasn't too bad either. He had managed to get some actual food, had prepared sandwiches and even bought your favorite double chocolate chip cookies. 

   “So, did you like it?” JJ asked after you were done eating.

   “You are good at this, I have to admit,” you giggled and he blushed a little. 

   “I'll take the compliment.” 

   “But I do not understand why this is a requirement. Why do people do this?” you looked at him, genuine confusion displayed on your face. 

   “I guess they do it to get to know each other better. To have fun and be with another,” he shrugged, and you hummed for a while, unsure what to do next. 

   “You know my ex? He just- I don't know, we simply didn't do this stuff. And I definitely didn't love him. It was more like he wanted it, and I was bored, I guess.” You exhaled a deep breath. Your first and only relationship was just something that had happened to you, not that you had particularly wished it to or enjoyed it overtly. 

   “Are you bored now?” JJ asked in a low voice. 

   “Not really,” you shook your head and smiled. “I don't get bored with you. Never have.” 

   “That's good. I don't get bored with you, either.” 

   You left it at that, a picnic date and a bit of talking just to fall back into similar patterns as before. JJ was still not too fond of having to keep his affection a secret, but once in a while you allowed him to hug you in front of them, or kiss your head. Other than that, you kept to yourself. You enjoyed each other's bodies and only talked about feelings when there was nothing else to talk about, but you could always find something else to talk about. 

   “All right, I can't do it,” JJ exhaled loudly. 

   “What?” you were completely perplexed as he had interrupted your complaining over the latest reality TV show you found interesting. 

   “Either you talk to me about this, us, or you let me fuck your brains out.” He knew you'd go for the second one. He also knew that you really didn't care all that much about the show and were just trying to kill time and avoid the topic at hand. But it didn't bother him too much as long as he found himself balls deep inside your seeping cunt. 

   “Harder, JJ,” you moaned, and he followed at command, pounding into you with more force until you screamed into your pillow. But what happened next was not something he had anticipated. 

   The bed, your perfectly sturdy bed that had survived so many rounds of him destroying your pussy, was giving you its last breath, and with a loud crash the frame broke and you both fell down a bit. 

   “Shit,” JJ laughed, but he continued to fuck you. “You better come now, baby. Give it a last great hurrah.” He rasped into your ear after pulling you up and flush to his chest. 

   “Oh- You broke- Fuck- Broke my bed,” you spat out sporadically. But he didn't answer, he just snaked his hand down between your legs, rubbing your clit in the same rhythm as his dick kissed your g-spot. 

   “Wanna be a good girl and come for me?” he growled before pushing you down, his hand flat on your shoulder blades, pressing you into the sloped mattress and thrusting harsher while his fingers played with your clit. It was overwhelming how much he could do to you with a few words and a handful of mindfully placed strokes of his fingers. You came, crying out his name and falling limp under him, while he groaned and spilled his load into the condom. 

   “Never broken a bed before,” JJ’s laugh rumbled out his throat. He was sweaty and gorgeous, standing next to you because even though you wanted to get up, you really couldn't. 

   “You okay?” he asked, leaning down to brush sweaty strands from your face. 

   And when you didn't reply, he did what he knew to. Carrying you into the bathroom and sitting you down on the toilet while he let the shower heat up. By the time he helped you into the shower, you managed as much as to keep standing, even though that was also difficult. JJ found himself cleaning you up and littering you with kisses and praises until he thought it was sufficient. 

   “You broke my bed,” you laughed while watching JJ take the broken frame apart and place the mattress on the floor. 

   “We’ll just have to buy a better one. More sturdy. A bit bigger too maybe,” he smiled and kissed you. 

   That's how you found yourself hours from home scouring an IKEA for the perfect bed. JJ threw himself into each one they had on display, trying to really figure out how sturdy they were. 

   “This one seems good,” he said while lying there, and you decided to take the place next to him. 

   “It's a nice bed,” you agreed, but when you checked the price, your opinion changed instantly. “Actually, I think it's pretty ugly and all. The one over there is way better,” you lied, pointing at a bed that JJ had already deemed unworthy, yet it was the only one in your price range. 

   “That one is too noisy,” he pointed out while sitting up and pulling you back towards the bed he had practically fallen in love with. “This one is perfect.” 

   “It's over a thousand dollars, J,” you argued, and he cupped your face, brushing his thumbs over your cheeks. 

   “I broke the other one, so I might as well pay half of this one. And as long as we don't break mine it's gonna be okay,” he spoke softly, trying his best to convince you. 

   “It's too expensive, even if we each pay half. That's three months of tips wasted on one half of a bed.” You really liked the bed, the soft green fabric of the headboard and sides, as well as the storage space underneath that would give you some more space to put your pillows. And you liked the idea of having something that wasn't just yours, something that would solidify that JJ wouldn't leave you. 

   “So? I'll just pick up some handy work with the Kooks and flirt my ass off, and we'll get that money back in no time,” he smiled, his hands moving to hold onto your own, and although you still pretended to not be convinced, he knew he had you. 

   “Hmmmm…” you hummed and wiggled in his hold. “Fine,” you smiled, and he pulled you down with him, kissing you all over and making you squirm until an employee walked up and told you both to stop. But you weren't even embarrassed that the people around you saw JJ and you as a couple. You didn't like the attention, but you didn't mind that he went to hold your hand while walking through the rest of the store, collecting candles and a few more colorful covers for your throw pillows. 

   When you got home and put the bed together, you were sure that you would surely feel even more for him soon. You would figure it out, and then you would tell your friends and everything would be like it was in the movies. 

read part 6 here

please don't copy and/or post my work onto other platforms! ~e©ho

taglist: @redhead1180 @spideysimpossiblegirl @drwstarkeyy @princessmaybank @ijustwantttoread @kys4-20 @immyowndefender @julczimozart @m2m2m2 @mochimms @dorkyfangirl24 @itsme-again @nemesyaaa

[mortalityplays]

about a month back I was walking home from a union meeting with another member who lived in my direction. I automatically took my usual route, through a quiet industrial block dominated by construction and scrap yards and those single storage unit offices that are basically a metal box with a parking space. he hesitated to follow me, and then explained that he'd never taken this route before because he felt out of place and nervous there. he's from a middle class background, wears blazers and corduroy with lapel pin badges, you know the kind of look.

now this is not me criticising him, as far as I know him he's a good dude who shows up for the union and gets involved in direct action and generally puts his money where is mouth is. he's worked on outreach and gone door knocking in this same area and is very relaxed and pleasant in any company. in this sense he's a better leftist than a lot of people I've met who have the aesthetics and talking points down but turn shy when you ask how they actually participate.

anyway, he walked with me and we talked about it. he admitted he simply had no experience of this kind of industrial environment. he associated it with the rough working class pubs on the main street nearby, and inferred that it was dangerous to him as an outsider. I explained that it was a working environment, that each lot was somebody's business, and that the closed units he saw were offices used by traders who just needed somewhere to manage invoices, payroll and accounts a couple of times a week. nobody is going to beat up a complete stranger in broad daylight for walking past their place of work. as soon as he understood that, he relaxed.

thing is, the only reason I know this is because I grew up around these places. I worked out of an office unit just like those for a while in my teens, and walked to and from my job without ever being hassled in their vicinity. I went to school with the lads whose fathers and uncles owned the construction and scrap yards and shipping warehouses around us, and who went to work there as soon as they were old enough to wear a hard hat. the difference between a dangerous industrial space and a neutral part of the everyday environment is something I learned by living in it. the tradeoff is that I feel uncomfortable in middle class cul de sacs, because the danger zones there are invisible to me.

class is woven into our understanding of the world as children, blended seamlessly with our sense of objectivity before we have a chance to question it. as adults we have the capacity and context to unpack a lot of those assumptions and reinvent the borders around them — go door knocking for the union, build new relationships across class lines — but we can't ignore the fact that class is one of our primary cultural experiences. you will carry it with you like a half remembered motherland your entire life, like it or not.

[noyasaur]

random shifting tips for you ♡

★ . do what you want to do!

reality shifting is subjective. there is not a one-sized fits all key, and different things will work for different people. you and i's 'key to shifting' might be different, or it might be similar. and the beauty of this all, means that there is no right or wrong way to shift. that is why there are so many different methods available for you at your hands. because everyone is so vastly different to each other. which is why you should forget about all the popular shifting methods, guided meditations, subliminals, etc. work with the bare bones and simplify shifting for yourself again:

reality shifting is the practice of becoming aware of yourself in another reality.

if the only thing you need to shift is intention, create a way for you to set your intention (that's what methods do. get you into the correct space to set your intention and shift)

set your intention, and do whatever you like. all you know is that you need intention to shift, and slowly start to become aware of your desired reality.

one person over there might love counting up and down from 1 - 100 until they start to feel relaxed, which they will then start visualising themselves waking up in their desired realities and engaging their senses.

while another might just like to visualise themselves dancing in a ballroom to a song that reminds them of their dr, to which then at the end they will walk through a door and exit the ballroom, and shift, for example.

do whatever makes you feel comfortable. find your strengths and what you love doing during methods, and create a method that is suited to your liking and will help you shift.

★ . find you daydream a lot?

do you find that you absolutely LOVE daydreaming about your desired reality? well, use that to your advantage! instead of just daydream about your desired reality, combine it with the law of assumption and use it to help you shift! whenever you find yourself daydreaming about your dr, start to recognise those daydreams and accept them as memories and things you've already experienced in your desired reality!

combine this with assuming you're already a 'master shifter' and you're set! because if you were a master shifter and you've already shifted, you would be thinking back on the things you've experienced in your desired realities from time to time.

★ . distracted by thoughts of your current reality during your method?

if you find yourself distracted by thoughts if your current reality during your method (specifically, works best when you're trying to use the law of assumption/acting like you're in your desired reality) start to recognise those thoughts as thoughts of unimportance. i'm talking about things like if you're worrying about the next day or worried about that one upcoming test.

put yourself in the mindset of you as a master shifter, who's already in their desired reality.

think to yourself, "these are things that worry me in that other reality. but since i'm in this reality right now, there none of my concern and i'll worry about them when i shift back!' for example.

of course when you shift, this reality won't be completely our your mind. i expect that you would wonder about this reality from time to time.

you can even have some fun with it! for example, you start to worry about an upcoming assignment that is due or an upcoming exam. you could literally just think to yourself, "okay. i have that assignment in that reality so after spending time in this reality, i'll shift to another reality where i can study!"

just recognise that they don't have any power and replace those thoughts with desired ones!

★ . focus on your destination; not the process.

a friendly reminder to not put so much emphasis on the 'how' of shifting. try to focus solely on your destination. use your feelings/emotions, think of things you're excited to experience, you're dreaded to experience, how you feel about certain people, who you're excited to meet!

focus on your desired reality and the feeling of knowing that you will shift.

rather than trying to find out what method works the best or on all the steps you need to be doing next in your method.

shifting is just a small part of it; you're actually going to be experience a whole other reality and you're already there right now as we speak. focus on that instead.

[hylkun]

30 DAYS | L. HEESEUNG

DAY 2: the consequences

SYNOPSIS: in which y/n l/n gives lee heeseung 30 days before graduation to prove his feelings for her are genuine.

PAIRING: popular!heeseung x quiet!fem!reader

GENRE: high-school!au, angst and lots of it, fluff, smau

<< last chapter | masterlist | >> next chapter

8:30 a.m.

You sigh in aggravation and place your phone on the wooden table before putting your head in your hands. You'd now realised what you've done. What were you thinking? You basically just gave Heeseung an excuse to annoy you for the rest of the school year.

'Good job, (Name),' you think to yourself.

However, the bell rings, interrupting your thoughts. You'd just have to survive the rest of the day. But, that idea was thrown out the window when you exited the library and was met with Heeseung.

The person you weren't exactly ready to see just yet.

"Oh. Heeseung, what're you doing here?" You ask, knowing damn well why he is here. He doesn't answer, but instead takes your bag and slings it over his shoulder.

"We have Physics next, right?" He asks, and you give him a mere nod in response. "Let's get going, then!" He exclaims, walking with a big smile on his face. Who would've thought Lee Heeseung would be this happy going to Physics Class?

You sigh to yourself. It's not like you can just change your mind and tell him you don't want him to court you until graduation. Well - you could - but you just didn't have the heart to.

You'll just have to deal with Heeseung's antics until Graduation Day.

9:00 a.m.

When you all enter the class, practically all eyes are on you and Heeseung. You, the girl with literally only 2 friends, coming to class with Lee Heeseung, who's probably dated every girl you can think of.

Heeseung seems to sense your anxiety, so he quickly takes your hand and leads you to a seat, then takes one beside you.

Just two more hours and you'd be free, you tell yourself. Just two hours.

But Heeseung just seems to read your mind, because;

"Hey, at lunch time would you like to sit with me and my friends? I know they may seem... unfriendly, but they're pretty nice once you get to know them." He asks, so nicely it seems impossible to refuse.

"Uh, sure, I guess." He smiles wide at your approval. Now, you would just have to explain this to Yunho and Leeseo.

10:57 a.m.

"Who's that?" Heeseung asks, referring to the conversation on your phone.

"It's just Yunho and Leeseo." You reply, sliding your phone in your back pocket. Heeseung still insists he holds your bag. It's pretty embarrassing. Everyone you pass in the halls assumes you and him are a thing. Definitely not the assumption you are looking for.

"Oh yeah, now that I remember - could I get your number? Only if that's okay with you, of course." He asks sweetly.

"Yeah, sure." You hand him your phone for him to put in his contact information. What the hell is wrong with Heeseung, and why can't you tell him 'no'? Maybe it's your shy personality. He returns your phone and grabs your wrist.

"Let's go, they should be in there by now."

Your heart beats from the fact you'd have to sit and eat your lunch with people who weren't Leeseo or Yunho. Why did you have to accept his offer for lunch? You're really starting to regret it now.

He leads you to the table where his friends sat, and to say they weren't pleased to see you was an understatement. "Hey, Heeseung, and other girl," one says, looking at you in a way that made you feel small.

"Hey, uhm, this is (Name), the girl I told you all about?"

What?

He talked about you? To his friends?

"Hi! My name is Sunoo, so nice to finally meet you!" The boy says, his bubbly personality calming the tension in your gut. Maybe he will make this encounter more bearable.

But it seems Sunoo was the only one who was just a little fond of you because the rest of Heeseung's friends didn't even bother to introduce themselves. You'd survive, right? You'd just have to survive until 11:30.

Heeseung clears his throat awkwardly and takes a seat, patting the space beside him signaling for you to sit next to him. Once you sit down it's as if the tension becomes even stronger. At this point, you just want to be swallowed whole so you wouldn't have to experience the most awkward encounter of the century.

Silence usually calmed you, but not here. You knew that in the silence, chaos was running through their mind. You finally listen to yourself and stand up abruptly, making Heeseung and his friends look up at you in confusion.

"I actually just remembered I have plans with my friends, so I'm just.. gonna go. See you later, Sunoo." You say a goodbye to Sunoo, since he was pretty much the only one who enjoyed your presence.

Heeseung follows after you, even after you exit the school and walk into the courtyard. "(Name), I'm sorry if my friends made you feel uncomfortable, I just-"

"Don't worry, Heeseung, you didn't do anything wrong. I'm just gonna go with Leeseo and Yunho. I'll see you tomorrow." You say, and continue walking without looking back. And you're glad you didn't, either, 'Cause you don't think you would've been able to take his sad face.

Heeseung's friends weren't the right crowd for you.

This is what you were scared of.

Now you're stuck with Lee Heeseung for the next 28 days.

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TAGLIST: @zerobaseone-zhanghao @jooniesbears-blog @heeswif3y @nshitae @llvrhee @ikeusimp @starfallia @softieluvsyou

[lavender-and-wheat]

"it's so much easier to pass as a trans man."

yeah okay, i can kind of understand where that assumption is coming from. it is socially acceptable (at least right now, in the big western-centric nations) for women to wear clothes that used to be exclusively considered men's clothes, like pants, slacks, jeans, flannels, full business suits, etc etc, but it is not as socially acceptable for men to wear clothing the is considered exclusively for women, such as skirts, dresses, high heels, etc etc. so logically, wouldn't you think it would be easy for women to be fluid in feminine clothing AND masculine clothing? after all, isn't that why "gender neutral" and "androgynous" clothing looks so "masculine?" well...

not quite.

while it is socially more accepting for a woman to wear pants one day and a dress the next day, men are typically expected to express their appearance and style in a smaller set of expectations. this becomes a lot of pressure for men to perform in, often leading to ridicule and discrimination when a man does not meet those social expectations. this is part of the reason we have developed toxic masculinity. when a man, cis or trans or another expression, has a feature that is considered unmanly or feminine, or chooses to style themself with something considered unmanly or feminine, they get picked on, to put it lightly. they get picked on and they are often expected to take that as constructive criticism to stop having that feature or stop wearing that item, be a good sport and step back into the expectations of masculine style and expression. when the man does not or cannot stop it, the bullying escalates. what do you think that does to a person?

(this also negatively impacts trans feminine people, often in similar ways.)

i started binding my chest when i was around 14 by using two sports bras. it worked out for me for a few years, until i hit another phase of feminine puberty and gained more weight all over the midsection of my body. i started to wear proper binders, and they worked a little bit better, at first. my family was not supportive of me being trans, so it would take me a while to save up my allowance to buy a new binder about once a year. so even when i was doing my best to perform within the expectations of cishet-masculinity, i didn't pass. i cut my hair short and styled it like a skater boy. i stopped wearing clothes with any hint of femininity in their style or hugged the places of my body i felt looked "too feminine." i tried to speak in a little deeper of a voice but my vocal register never passed.

so, here's my take about the difficulties of passing:

it is always hard to pass for the gender that you are/wanting to express when you do not have the access to the appearance or style that meets your society's expectations of what is socially accepted for that gender. i think that this especially impacts people of color, fat people, and disabled people, because these intersections add more sets if expectations that are socially acceptable. ("women should have long, flowy hair, "men shouldn't have big breasts," "men should be muscular and not scrawny," "women should be shorter than men," etc.)

i think we should stop trying to compete with one another of who is more oppressed. i think that we can recognize the systems and layers of intersectional discrimination that different groups of people have without making it a competition. i think we should make an effort to remember that the end goal is to not win the most sympathy and pity especially within our minority communities. the goal is to address what is discriminating against us and figuring out how to combat those social expectations without harming other demographics of people.

it's hard to pass as a man when you do not meet the socially accepted expectations of a man within your surrounding culture/society. it's hard to pass as a woman when you do not meet the socially accepted expectations of a woman within your surrounding culture/society. it's hard to pass as nonbinary when you do not meet the socially accepted expectations of a nonbinary person within your surrounding culture/society. do you start to notice the trend here?

[pavaal]

Persona 4: Kiri no Amnesia (Summary)

I said I would do it, so here it is! I bought the Persona 4 spinoff light novel a couple of days ago, ran through it, and decided to write a summary since I don't feel confident enough to translate the whole thing page by page. For those who don't know, Kiri no Amnesia is a light novel set shortly after Yukiko's dungeon, covering an accidental trip into the TV World with just Yosuke, Chie, and Yukiko. It was written in order to expand on the Shadows of the first two victims, Mayumi Yamano and Saki Konishi. It's not not canon, considering how it resolves in the end, but at worst I think it's some good insight for people who wanted to see more of Saki, like me.

There are no major spoilers for people who have played at least the first couple hours of Persona 4.

With that in mind...

The first part of the book is pretty slow and uninteresting. It basically functions as a recap of things up to this point, with the main trio (for this book: Yosuke, Chie, and Yukiko) doing some training after school without Yu. This was before any supplementary material named him, so he's just referred to as "the transfer student" or "leader" in the narrative, and he's also absent for pretty much the entire novel due to certain developments.

Yosuke angsts about Saki a bit, but he tries to keep it to himself and puts on a bright smile so as to not worry the others. I found this part, and other parts like it pretty sweet, because Chie is really attentive to him when he gets in these moods. Being novelized means that a lot of the wacky anime hijinks are toned down, and so there's a surprising amount of very sincere bonding between the trio that we don't get to see in other P4 media.

When they leave for the day, Yukiko and Chie are the first to go, while Yosuke hangs back. Reflecting on a discussion about how they need to use the same TV to enter the same place, Yosuke gets lost in thought about how Saki must have been lost and afraid when she was thrown in. He's shaken out of his reverie by the sound of someone crying from one of the other TVs, but although he's curious about it, he stops himself before doing anything stupid.

The next day, the group meets up again to train, but Yu is late and sends a text saying to wait up. Then there's some filler about them hanging out, eating, bonding, etc, but Yu texts again saying he's later than he thought and to go on without him. Initially, they don't want to, but they do go over to the TVs where Yosuke once again hears the weird voice—which he doesn't mention to Chie or Yukiko, but he's distracted enough that they comment on it. He then asks them to cover him while he just checks inside, but of course he can't see anything without the glasses. He starts to get back out of the TV, but of course at that very moment, a wayward child shoves him in and Yukiko and Chie naturally follow.

They end up in what we will term Magatsu-Inaba, but to them it's just Inaba inside the TV. Shadow Inaba? Whatever. Everyone gets mad at Yosuke for being stupid, he apologizes, but he figures that they can just walk back to the entrance since they all know how to navigate Inaba. (Teddie can't reach them through the fog.) The problem is that they quickly discover the landscape is covered in black holes, blocking the easiest path back. They decide to take a detour to a nearby park, which Yosuke says he didn't know about, but there's someone already there when they arrive. Sitting on the swings alone is... Saki Konishi. (!!!!)

Yosuke understandably freaks out, and his first reaction is a mixture of shock and anger, since his initial assumption is that this is the Shadow that killed Saki. However, when he confronts her, she doesn't know anything, and I mean anything. She doesn't know who or what she is, and she doesn't even know what Shadows are. Yosuke has trouble being angry with her after that, and the trio has a quick meeting to acknowledge that she probably is a Shadow, and Saki's Shadow for that matter, but things are different because she doesn't seem malicious. Up to now, the human-like Shadows they've encountered have known TOO well what they are, but this girl doesn't know anything.

Putting two and two together, they come to the conclusion that there are holes in the landscape because "Saki" doesn't remember anything, and if they can get her to remember, then they'll probably be able to get back. This means traveling with her, which everyone makes their peace with. (Yosuke in particular says that he can't ignore someone who looks like Saki, despite everything.)The first roadblock they run into is that Yosuke can't call her Saki because she may nevertheless be the Shadow that killed her. Considering her condition, they decide to call her Amnesia.

They do some traveling, a Shadow shows up but it's way too strong and they bolt. When they find a place to rest, they sit for a little while and try to jog Amnesia's memory. Yosuke is clearly struggling with Amnesia's existence when she looks so much like Saki, so Chie intervenes and they have a little back and forth where Yosuke says something mildly funny and Yukiko explodes in laughter. Yosuke apologizes to Amnesia for Yukiko interrupting their important conversation, but she wistfully says it's okay, and she's jealous of people who can laugh. Yosuke is conflicted: he wants to help "Saki," but this is likely "Saki's Shadow."

He muses on his friendship with Chie and Yukiko for a little while, quietly grateful for them because they were the first people to welcome him and make him feel actually wanted in Inaba, and then Yukiko finally calms down. They decide to take a snack break with some supplies they had from the real world, so the trio+Amnesia split Yosuke's several Dr. Salt NEOs. After some discussion about how weird the flavor is, Amnesia mentions... she can't taste it! The trio calls an emergency secret meeting about how weird it is that someone can't taste Dr. Salt NEO, so Amnesia is absolutely a Shadow, but they can't do anything about it right now.

Incidentally, when Yosuke opens his, he accidentally sprays it all over Chie and Yukiko. Although they try to use their Personas to clean up, this will be important later.

Some other stuff happens, and Yosuke muses on the differences between Amnesia and Saki. Amnesia is much more self-deprecating and pessimistic than Saki he knows, and Yosuke knows from Saki's brother that she was a "good sister," so Amnesia just seems particularly sad. He tells her that she might not be the Shadow that killed Saki after all...

Amnesia's eyes suddenly glow bright yellow, and she starts muttering "I... killed... I killed... I..." over and over to herself. Although the trio prepares for a fight, Amnesia suddenly snaps out of it and seems to have forgotten what even happened. Weird!

They try to keep moving forward after that, but Chie and Yukiko complain about being sticky and they decide to reroute to Amagi Inn, since they're not making any progress with Amnesia anyway. Chie and Yukiko are excited, Yosuke cannot believe they're actually going to go to the hot springs in the TV World, and Amnesia is just trying not to be a nuisance.

The girls all take a bath while Yosuke stands guard, and shockingly, there's nothing particularly perverted about this scene. Amnesia and Yosuke have a little moment where, after Yosuke insists that Amnesia take a bath too so she can relax and try to recall something, she calls him kind and he gets flustered. After she, too, joins Chie and Yukiko, Yosuke worries that he's starting to see Amnesia and Saki as one in the same. He wonders what the difference is between a human and a Shadow with no malice, but he decides that's not a question he can answer.

In the meantime, Chie has a moment where it says she's gazing at Amnesia "with the gleam of an old man in her eyes" and comments to Yukiko how pretty Saki/Amnesia is, so she understands why Yosuke was in love with her. She fills Yukiko in on Yosuke's crush on Saki and really brings the mood down, but it's a nice moment where they acknowledge that Yosuke is really in pain and he's working harder than any of them to solve the case. Chie also raises the hopeful possibility that Amnesia is the real Saki, and the body they found was her Shadow.

After a bit, they move on to lighthearted girl talk and Yosuke tries not to pop a boner outside from listening to them (Yukiko asks Chie to "open her body") while waiting for them to finish.

Amnesia leaves first, and in a thoughtful mood, Yosuke asks what Amnesia would do if she could leave the TV World. She says she wouldn't leave. Although she doesn't remember anything, she feels like being here is a punishment she must serve for a sin she doesn't recall. Yosuke says she's strong for carrying that burden, but she says it's the opposite—she feels like she's probably running away from something.

Yosuke is about to hit her with the ultra smooth line of "if you have to run, run to me," but then he's suddenly interrupted by a Teddie Transmission warning them of a huge Shadow in the area. Yosuke panics because Chie and Yukiko are still in the bath and Amnesia can't fight, but he says he'll buy time while Chie and Yukiko get informed and dressed.

The Shadow speaks to him from a black hole that has appeared, and he notes that the voice is familiar, but he can't place it immediately. It asks him if Amnesia is important to him, and although he hesitates, he ultimately answers yes—to which the Shadow cheerfully promises that she'll kill Amnesia and drop her to the depths of hell.

Yosuke says he's not going to lose "her" again, and the Shadow gets angry, telling him that he's stupid for placing anyone else above himself. "You use whatever you can, you take whoever you can, even if that means you have to have an affair! Are you stupid?!" The Shadow is particularly hostile to the girls once they all rejoin, saying that she'll let Yosuke run away while she kills the others.

The Shadow is obviously super overpowered, and honestly there was a lot of fighting description here that I didn't care about so I skimmed it, but the critical part of this whole fight scene is that the Shadow is about to get a KO on Yosuke—but he suddenly hears Amnesia call "Hana-chan!" and feels a chain wrap around his arm to pull him out of the way in time. They manage to escape with some effort, but in the process, the Shadow destroys the Amagi Inn, to which Yukiko vows revenge.

Yosuke later compliments Amnesia on her chain moves, and Amnesia suddenly hears a voice within her saying that she prayed to forget this power. Her mind goes blank, and she can no longer remember what they were talking about. She's shocked to hear that she apparently did something in that fight.

There's a little bit of a drag here where they boringly make it to Shadow Junes and boringly hang out, but suddenly Yukiko and Chie feel incredibly faint. Yosuke summons Jiraiya to Dia them, but it doesn't seem to have any affect. Amnesia gets the feeling that she can do something, and so she folds her hands and, unbeknownst to her, casts Posumudi... because the Shadow onsen poisoned them! Duh!!

But the same thing happens again where she forgets what she just did, which by now, is something very bizarre that none of them are sure how to handle. They're afraid to push it after her short-circuiting earlier, and the trio acknowledges that trying to force her to remember might result in her going crazy... you know, like a Shadow. Yosuke once again privately muses on the nature of a Shadow, thinking, “If she looks like Senpai, talks like Senpai, and acts like Senpai, who cares if she’s a Shadow? …is a crazy thing to think, isn’t it? But I…”

At this point, to him, "Saki" and "Amnesia" are the same person.

Anywho, a little more of this and the Shadow from before shows up with yet another hole, and this time they recognize it as Mayumi Yamano's Shadow, and realize the holes are from her and not a result of Amnesia's memory loss. She transforms into Iwanaga(-hime), and in what may be a series first, Yukiko actually recognizes the legend. She says that after she got Konohanasakuya, she did some research, and Iwanaga came up as part of the story. She gives them a quick rundown, which is that Iwanaga and Konohanasakuya were sisters who were offered to a man for marriage, but Iwanaga was rejected because of her appearance. Chie comments on how rude it is to judge people on appearances and glares at Yosuke, who gets defensive.

I once again skimmed over the battle stuff because it truly is boring to read, but if you really need to know, Iwanaga is made of stone. Her schtick is that she feels like she's the most important person in the world and she doesn't care who she has to hurt to get what she wants. She loathes Misuzu Hiiragi and feels as if she was unjustly punished, since she doesn't see what's so bad about falling in love with a married man. Although even her Shadow seems to have truly loved Namatame, she really hates women and constantly refers to the girls as dumb brats. She calls Yosuke "little boy."

Anyway, things are looking bad. Yosuke tries to reason with her, saying that although she/Mayumi Yamano is guilty, she doesn't have to live her life full of this resentment. This does not work, despite Yosuke's best efforts, and she really starts to beat the hell out of Yosuke. More things happen, everyone does some cool moves, so on and so forth. Yosuke knocks Amnesia out of the way of an attack, but in doing so, he falls into one of the holes. Although he manages to catch himself on the edge, he's slipping and there's too much space for anyone to come save him. I liked this part, so I directly translated it.

“So this is it, huh?” An image of his “partner” appeared in his mind—the boy who helped them all awaken the power of Persona. “Sorry… I guess I’ll have to leave the rest to you.” Yosuke’s eyes naturally fell to Amnesia, who was gazing at him in horror. He gave her a smile as if to say “don’t worry.” “Satonaka and Amagi will keep you safe. They’re good people, so you’ll be fine.” His smile conveyed all this without words. —“He’s going to disappear.” Amnesia heard a voice from within her. “Will you taste the same regret you did when you killed me?” It was her voice. It was the voice of Saki Konishi. Amnesia was the embodiment of Saki’s latent desires—a Shadow. Saki’s desires had been calm, so Amnesia was not full of the same anger that characterized so many other Shadows. But a Shadow was a Shadow. Destruction was their nature. When the fog clears, that destruction manifests. And on such a day, Amnesia had killed Saki. Unable to bear this sin, Amnesia had erased her own memories. Every Shadow has a unique power from its individual identity. And the power given to Amnesia, borne of Saki Konishi, was called “Oblivion.” Saki Konishi had wanted to run away from everything that was keeping her trapped, to forget all her pain.

So, obviously, Amnesia is able to call on her powers after this, and she uses her chains to save Yosuke from the hole. Now that she's "awake," she's able to help in the fight, and she tells Yosuke that she can erase memories. They come up with a plan to erase Iwanaga's memories so that they can defeat her and/or get away, whichever comes first, but Amnesia needs to be able to touch her. Everyone comes together for their epic battle, and once again, a part I liked.

Yosuke was full of confidence [as he prepared to face Iwanaga]. Saki’s voice observed this from within. “Hana-chan always had this unreliable air about him… but I guess boys grow up fast when you’re not looking.”

Although Amnesia manages to touch Iwanaga and unsettle her, her power isn't strong enough and she just sends Iwanaga into a mindless berserk state. Amnesia realizes that there's only one thing left to do, and although she didn't want to show anyone this form, she realizes there's no choice.

Her body is consumed by black flames, and once again, here's a little translation.

Her body grew twice as large, and a black lace shawl covered her face. She wore a long, jet-black dress with lace gloves up to her elbow: clothes that one would wear to mourn the dead. The skin that was visible between sections of black was as pale as snow, and the chains that had previously only extended from her arms wrapped around her body several times, as if binding herself. She had the appearance of a human, but she was not: she was a Shadow, and her golden eyes gleamed from beneath the lace shawl.

Seeing this, Yosuke is briefly pained by the undeniable realization that this is the Shadow that killed Saki, but if Saki had just known about Personas, if she had known to accept her true self, then she wouldn't have died.

With Amnesia's magnified power, they all manage to defeat Iwanaga, and with her death, the holes clear from the landscape and Teddie is finally able to properly contact them. Amnesia changes back to her "human" form, ashamed, but the trio is openly supportive and grateful to her for helping them. Knowing that they'll be headed home soon, everyone encourages Amnesia to come with them. Amnesia thinks that she shouldn't, but in Yosuke's mind "a Shadow that could become a Persona" is no different from a human.

She agrees to walk with them, at least, and as Yosuke glances back at her conflicted expression, he thinks, "I hope you can smile someday, even if it's not for me."

Moving on to the final chapter, everyone reunites with Teddie, and they come up with the great idea for Amnesia to stay with Teddie. That way, they'll be able to keep each other company, and Teddie will be able to teach Amnesia about being a Shadow-but-not so that she can understand herself better. Feeling optimistic, everyone happily says their goodbyes. Yosuke waves to her and grins, telling her "See you tomorrow, Senpai!" before going back to the other side.

In the TV World, Teddie and Amnesia discuss the less positive reality. Amnesia is going to disappear, since the person she came from is dead. It's possible for her to live a little longer if she doesn't use her powers, but ultimately, no matter what she does, she doesn't have long left. Amnesia says that it's not a problem... because she's going to use her oblivion powers to erase herself. She saw how heartbroken Yosuke was about Saki's death, and she doesn't want to do that to him again. So, she considers it the kindest thing she can do for the people who were so kind to her to quietly and secretly disappear. Teddie protests, of course, but as he's tearfully insisting for her to stay... he suddenly stops, and wonders what he was just talking to himself about. He feels sad for some reason, but maybe he's just lonely because Sensei and the others haven't visited yet?

He hopes they come back soon.

On the other side, Yosuke and the others are actually at the moment just before Yosuke falls in, and everything is fine. Yu contacts them telling them he's on his way, so they go to the roof. Yosuke realizes, however, that he feels strangely sad, and his chest hurts like he's lost something. Chie asks why he looks like he's about to cry, to which Yosuke actually does start to cry. Yu arrives at the same moment, and Yosuke hurriedly turns away so Yu can't see him shedding any tears.

Yu apologizes for being so late, and explains that he lost track of time helping a sick cat near his house. Yosuke, still sniffling, demands what's more important—them or a cat?! But when Yu turns thoughtful, Yosuke realizes that that's the type of person Yu is. He helps anyone, no matter who they are. He turns back to Yu and tells him that it's okay, because he wouldn't be Yosuke's partner if he didn't stop to help a cat, and then Chie and Yukiko make fun of him for having a runny nose.

Yosuke thinks to himself he's so glad that he has these people as his friends, but he can't help but feel he forgot something important as they leave. From the TV, he thinks he hears someone whisper "yes, you did, but please don't try to remember," but he writes it off as his imagination.

The End.

Despite this being a way longer summary than I set out to write, I did leave out a lot of small, non-plot-important details. If you love P4 and you can read Japanese, it's probably worth it! Yukiko and Chie are especially good in it and have lots of great friendship moments with each other and with Yosuke as well. I was really surprised by Yosuke and Yukiko's friendship, in fact, since I feel like the game and especially the spinoffs have kind of given the impression that Yukiko doesn't like him very much? But she respects his conviction here, and they're a great team. It was really cool to see how the three of them interact without Yu, and it gave a lot of insight into what their friendship might have looked like before he showed up.

Overall, I was really satisfied with this and I kind of regret that there weren't more novels like this. I thought Saki's Shadow was cool, and it was really interesting to see Mayumi manifest with such viciousness. Chie even comments that it's hard to feel bad for her!

Like I said, there is some other minor stuff I left out for ease of reading, so if you have any questions about stuff, feel free to ask!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Would I be the asshole if I start hooking up with my hook-up's friend?

Some background info is necessary here. I'm aromantic and I've always been completely open about that and as upfront about what a relationship with me will (and, more importantly, won't) entail. I met this particular guy on a dating website like OKCupid or something like that, I don't remember exactly which one. We got along and were attracted to each other so I sat him down and had my usual talk with him about what he could expect and what he should never expect and whether or not that was a relationship he was okay with having. He said yes, so we started doing basically a FWB thing.

He's incredibly hot and we are very compatible sexually (which is honestly not super common for me tbh lol). The problem is, he often gets clingy and weepy and complains to me about how lonely he is and that he really wants a romantic relationship, complete with things about how no one will ever love him and those types of sayings. I've talked to him about it a few times and asked if he was sure he wanted to keep doing this with me when I will never be able to meet that need. We're also not exclusive at all, so I usually respond to this kind of thing by encouraging him to keep seeing other people/keep putting himself out there/etc and hyping him up and stuff. Every time we talk about it he says he's good to go, that he totally understands my aromanticism and he won't try to push for romance from me, and like I said it's kind of difficult for me to find people who also want the sex I want (I guess I'm kind of kinky and a stone top which in my experience a lot of guys are not into idk) and especially to find people who are interested in sex and dating with no actual romantic feelings or intent. So I've been sticking with him even though he keeps bringing this up and kind of (seemingly) implying that he wants things from me I've told him repeatedly I can't give. I don't want to hurt his feelings by still sleeping with him if he wants love, but I'm basically operating on the assumption that he's a big boy who can make his own decisions and I've been honest with him and understanding, at least as far as I'm concerned.

That's the backstory, now we reach the issue I'm actually asking about. A few days ago, maybe as an early birthday present for me or maybe just coincidentally, this guy had a friend over at the same time as me and we ended up having a threesome. It was great! I really liked the other person involved and we were all compatible and had a lot of fun. They gave me their number on my way out.

So I've been texting with this person, that my long term (I guess, depending on your definition of "long term") hook-up introduced me to via a threesome, and they have asked me if I want to hook up again with just them. Which I totally do. I know I wouldn't be an asshole to start seeing them in addition to the first guy because we're not exclusive and never have been, and I've made myself clear from the beginning that we never would be. My question is would I be the asshole if I started seeing this person that he introduced me to via a threesome, and also stopped having sex with him (I would be open to still being friends who don't have sex, but somehow I doubt he would be very interested in that).

The thing is, this new person is also aromantic, so I know that a non-romantic sexual relationship that stays non-romantic would actually for sure be okay with them. I wouldn't have to worry a) about hurting their feelings because they want something from me I can't give, or b) them repeatedly implying they want more or thought I could change my mind eventually or whatever. But... It just seems like it might be a bit of a dick move when he introduced us for group sex and then to... cut him out of the group, I guess.

So... would I be the asshole?

What are these acronyms?

[azurevi]

in a crowd of thousands

aka a collection of ideas for my childhood friends to lovers leona au / aka my headcanons of the entire life of leona kingscholar. jeez

note: am i dumping all my ideas for this au here because they’re too disorganised and messy that i can’t work out anything but i don’t want to just let them go to waste? yes i am. this au has been tormenting me for weeks but my brain just can’t figure how to seamlessly plan it so chances are i’m gonna put it away. it’s not like i laid awake in bed till 4am because i was thinking about it last night anyways lololololol

i did actually write a bit for this au, which you can find at the end of all the points, but it is unedited and was done before the tamashina-mina event so it’s definitely not perfect. i would be happy if it was readable-

this idea dump is 5.8k (god bless), and the attached work is around 4k? so yea

The story starts when Leona is 8, begrudgingly attending Farena’s coming of age ceremony. Everyone is cheering and celebrating the beloved first prince’s birthday, all the while Leona sulks in the carriage, feeling the acidic jealousy rot in his stomach. He’s never received a celebration this grand in his name before, and he’s certainly never worn something some extravagant, even on his own birthday.

Just as he’s fighting his urge not to jump off of the royal carriage, he’s approached by an eager kid who, judging by appearance, can’t be older than him. they’re putting their short legs to use by chasing the carriage, a bouquet of fresh flowers secure in their grip. Leona thinks at first that it’s yet another present for Farena, but they’re calling for him instead, asking that he take the flowers. So he does, reaching all the way out of the carriage to grab the gift, earning surprised and distraught yells from the guards.

By the time he’s seated and looks back again, they’ve already disappeared in the sea of people.

Leona’s never received anything like this before. People only ever compliment and offer gifts to Farena, fuzzing over his bubbly personality and applauding the grace he presents himself with. Even back when they were faced with their mother’s death from a deadly illness, he was still praised for upholding his dignity and composure, while Leona stood at his side, mourning the death of one of the only people who truly cared about him.

So naturally Leona’s curious about the nameless admirer. And what better way to meet them than to order flowers from each and every florist’s shop in Sunset Savannah to see if they’ll show up for the delivery? It’s a long shot, one that depends entirely on the assumption that they even work at a flower shop and didn’t just buy the bouquet somewhere else. But he’s willing to bet on his luck.

So days passed, Leona’s made like twenty or so orders and his room is filled with foliage, from small pots of plants to tall wide leaves. Kifaji is honestly a bit confused by this, and a lot of guards are saying that he’s throwing an unreasonable tantrum. But never-mind them, because he eventually gets what he wants.

So on a fine early afternoon another delivery comes. This time it’s a whole cart filled with blooms of different colors. Sort of looks like a whole bush has been moved onto it. It’s so huge that he can’t see the person rolling the cart, but then he lolls his head to the side and spots those familiar eyes, the ones he’s been wondering about when he’s wide awake at midnight.

And guess what? They’re excited to see him too. So much so that they topple over and cause the entire cart to fall forward. The bush cascades onto him like a waterfall, but luckily the cart doesn’t crash him, but instead fall backward with a loud CRASH. Kifaji almost has a heart attack at that.

At Leona’s command the retainers and chamberlains leave him alone with the kid, and they get to know each other, like where the kid’s from, why they gave him the flowers etc. Turns out they wanted to thank him for the clothes donation he did for the poor kids living near Elephant’s Legacy a while back then.

Leona doesn’t have the heart to tell them that the donation wasn’t his idea, that he only said ‘whatever’ when the tailor suggested that he gave the ill-fitting outfits to kids in need.

Wanting to spend more time with his new ‘admirer’, he ditches class and sneaks them all around the palace, showing them things that have their eye’s sparkling in awe, but especially his personal achievements. They’re amazed by all of it: where people states that his interest in chess is somewhat boring (even though it’s just because he’s not as energetic and sociable as his brother), they think that it’s cool and smart. Even though he doesn’t like painting as his brother and father do, they don’t judge him for it, but instead agree that spending time in the library reading ancient books is more worthwhile.

Then they move on to talk about magic. Leona is obviously proficient, but they on the other hand actually don’t possess it. At least not yet. So they’re like ‘omg you have a unique magic already can you show me’ and that’s when Leona hesitates. He has endless ways to impress them, but his unique magic has always been something that others frown upon. It’s destructive, it’s messy, and it’s not beautiful. But you insist anyways, and young Leona decides, what the hell, screw it.

And to his surprise, they’re not a bit terrified. Quite the contrary, as you goes off on a tangent talking about how it could come in handy in so many situations.

And that’s the start of a precious friendship! Leona decides to order flowers regularly from their shop alone, and they get to know each other a lot better from there onward.

Years pass and they’re basically besties now. The young florist visits at least once a week, and the second prince is always more cheery and energised when they’re hanging out.

He tells them all about his life, how his mother had been sick for as long as he could remember and how her death took a toll on him. How Kifaji is pretty much the only chamberlain that doesn’t talk behind his back. How the others do it all the time just because Farena shines far brighter than he does.

The florist talks behind their backs as revenge, and it makes him feel just a bit better. And proud too.

It’s great knowing that someone cares and appreciates him. It makes him want to keep trying.

Similarly they let him into their life. They show them where they live, which is somewhere near the border between the bustling city and the neglected neighbourhoods, the poorer villages that fail to catch up with the Sunrise City and other major cities’ developments. Due to the country’s insistence to uphold the ‘coexistence with nature’ mission, little progress is resulted in those areas, and the disparity is beginning to look like a wide canyon.

Having lived in the palace for most of his life, this is the first time Leona learns of the parts of Sunset Savannah that the royals don’t talk about.

And as a result of the slow, almost stagnant growth of these places, infrastructures are nearly unaccessible. Even if people get sick (and they get sick quite a lot) they don’t get much medical support, at least not nearby.

One of the victims is the florist’s mother— and this is entirely the reason why they need to be working at such a young age. She’s been ill for a long time and is bed-ridden for the better part of a day, so they have to support the family. There is little medicine they can get their hands on, and even if they do get something, nothing really works.

With such a important mission on their shoulder, they’ve never really considered what they wanted to be in the future. The immediate goal was to have their mother get better, and to keep the family business going.

Looking at the ghastly lives of the people is sort of a reality check for Leona. And that’s when he begins to feel an ambition grow inside him.

He wants to change things, because no one in the palace seems to care about the people who are suffering so long as they’re out of sight.

The first time he raises the idea with his father, the king does take his words into consideration, but ultimately decides that it’s more important to preserve the country’s culture. Plus the councillors / politicians etc don’t agree with his views anyways, claiming that he’s too young to understand that ‘some sacrifices have to be made’.

Which is absurd, because he’s looking right at one of the sacrifices right now, and it’s their most important friend, who’s forced to provide for their family all on his own.

Leona doesn’t give up. He goes on learning more about the country he lives in, spends a little more time away from the glorious Sunrise City, and comes up with plans to improve Sunset Savanna. They’re not perfect, most of them are not totally feasible, but at least he’s doing something. Even Kifaji gives him his own opinions at times, unlike the other chamberlains who dislike that he’s trying to upend how the country’s always been operated.

All the while the florist gives him all the support he needs. Even when it feels like the majority of the world is against him at times, with them by his side, he feels invincible, like he can really change the world if he wants to.

Them making flower crowns for him as he works on his projects… that’s it. That’s the image.

Leona is maybe around 14, 15. His father falls ill (why is everyone sick in this story…) and there is a dire need of a new ruler to watch over the country in his hopefully momentary absence.

A king. Leona’s spent his whole life looking at one, and though he’s far from a mature adult, he tries his hand at politics anyways, hoping that he at least has a shot at becoming one in the near future. But everyone has already had their pick, and it’s none other than Farena. Farena, who rejects Leona’s ideals like everyone else.

“It’s simply too complicated”, he says, but Leona doesn’t see how hard it can be to take a new path.

But he’s still trying, at least for his dear friend. His dear friend, who’s been sticking with him through all the doubts and rejections. His dear friend, who’s promised time after time that they’ll never leave him or turn their back to him. His dear friend, who is there for some of the worst nights he has, comforting him as he winds down from nightmares. His dear friends, who always smells like a walking garden. His dear friend, whom he inevitably falls for.

At the same time, a romance is blooming somewhere else in the palace. Farena has fallen in love with Malaika, and after perhaps a few years of dating on the down low, they are ready to get married. And obviously this is good news. People see this as another indication that Farena will be a great king, seeing as he’s already had so much planned before him.

It’s like they don’t even plan to give Leona a chance.

But as always, his friend somehow sees the better side of things as they always do, telling him not to lose all hope yet.

Sometimes it feels like they’re the only person keeping him going. Would be. sad if they were to. Leave him. (clear throat) Anyways.

In the meanwhile, he decides to take advantage of the wedding. Perhaps the passionate atmosphere can assist him in his own romantic endeavours. Though it’s usually unusual and almost unorthodox for a commoner to attend a royal wedding, they get a pass since Kifaji assigns them to help with the decorations.

And it kind of does. He gets to dance with them, though the music is way too quick for him to really soak in the moment. He gets to see up close how there are stars in their eyes as they watch the bride and groom exchange their vows. Eventually, during dinner, he becomes annoyed by the other guests’ heartless questions about his life and sneaks away with his friend. It ends with a few guards hot on their tails, and in a moment of fight or flight, they dart into one of the empty rooms to hide.

Which just so happens to be the throne room. There’s no one around to berate him anyways, so Leona decides to stride towards the throne and take a seat on the gilded surface, overseeing the now vacant room. There seems to be power infused in this simple throne; the power he needs to make a change in the world, to make the ignorant listen to not just him, but also the demands of the people.

As if that’s not enough, they move to his side and jokingly calls him ‘your majesty’ and his heart does a whole somersault. Even though it’s just for a moment, he feels like he has everything he needs in his hand: the person he loves, and the throne that he so deserves.

And really, he could’ve just told them his feelings there and now, but he’s so caught up in the moment that he decides to postpone it. He’ll have the opportunity to do it in the future anyways. He’s certain that they’ll stay with him till the end of time.

When the invitation letter from NRC comes, Leona doesn’t bat an eye. There’s nothing the school can teach him that he hasn’t already mastered. Plus he’d rather stay here with his friend than go somewhere else all on his own.

Not to mention he’s busy trying to persuade those in power to agree with his vision about rebranding the country, which has been largely unsuccessful. Farena has been busy attending to other matters, and though Malaika sees where Leona’s coming from, she too is burdened by her share of responsibilities.

Time after time the officials have described his ideas as foolish, irresponsible, unreasonable, as if they still see him as an incapable child. Meanwhile it seems like they go along with everything Farena does, even if it jeopardises the livelihood of those under poverty line. All the while his friend's mother withers away. Watching the impending death looms over them places a knife in his chest. He doesn’t want to see them grief like he did when his mother left.

Leona can’t help but feel frustrated. Years of hard work hasn’t led him anywhere. As a kid he was more often frowned upon than not, but now that he was a teenager he still hasn’t gained the respect he deserves. Projects after projects are banned, to the point where the council members groan every time he shows up to their meetings. His ambition starts to dwindle. It feels like he’s trapped in the same tunnel with no hope of escaping.

Well, except when he’s with the only person who understands him. Even when they’re spending most of their time taking care of their mother now, he still derives strength from the occasional letters exchanged between them. (i loveeeee letters i love epistolary fics)

The pent-up frustration eventually leads him to do something rash: he challenges Farena for the position of Sunset Savanna’s ruler. To anyone else, it sounds like an absurd comedy. Leona— 16 and still growing— is challenging Farena, who not only is a decade older but also has more experiences than he does in managing a country.

I feel like challenges to the throne can go two ways; either they settle this with a physical fight or a peaceful voting. Obviously the former is going to hurt a lot more but I feel like it’ll be more impactful…

So say the rules require them to settle this with a fight. Which now that I think about would be more reasonable because there’s no way Leona will get enough votes anyways. So under a stormy night (for dramatic effects) the two brothers have an inevitable clash, and this isn’t just for the title of king.

It’s also the anguish Leona feels from living in Farena’s shadow all these years. His anger at the unattainable standard he has created for him. His jealousy at all the love that’s been thrown his way, all the attention their father has given him. But also the sadness from having him as a brother, from the lack of connection between them. It’s never really Farena’s fault, more like since the day Leona realized why the guards were more concerned with a paper cut on Farena’s hand than half of his room dissolved into sand, a crack formed in their relationship, and it only grew larger until it’s an impossible canyon.

The ending is written in stone. The guards and Malaika watch on, the spectators sparse and few. They’d rather not have the people know about such dispute within the royal family. The rain washes away the beads of red on the ground, but not the bruises on each of them’s flesh, and certainly not the gaping wounds in their hearts. Even as Leona is pushed to the corner, he doesn’t let himself stay down, his aching legs and sore arms be damned. And with him not admitting defeat, Farena can’t end the fight.

In the end, it is Kifaji who pulls him away before he’s injured beyond recognition, but even then he thrashes and attempts to push him away. “Let go of me”, “I’m not losing”. The words scratch his throat as he yells. Finally, Kifaji lets go of his arm, his face twisted in hurt.

“Tone it down, my prince! You’re being difficult!” It hurts him as much as it does Leona, but he goes on, “There’s no point.”

It feels like yet another inescapable twist. Kifaji, who’s always given him the silent approval. Kifaji, who treats him to sautéed mutton every time he’s faced with defeat. Kifaji, whom he trusts with his life. It turns out that he’s just like everyone else.

That day, it’s not just his relationship with Farena that shatters, but also the bond he shared with Kifaji.

Allowing no one near him, Kifaji has no choice but to visit his only friend. They rush with him back to the palace upon hearing about everything that’s happened, and feels their heart lurch uncomfortably at the sight of Leona’s battered state.

With utmost precision, they clean and bandage his wounds like how they wrap papers around bunches of flowers. The silence stretches, as if the moment it’s broken, the tears welling in their eyes will fall uncontrollably.

And so neither of them speak a word. Once they’re done with throwing away the bloodied towels, Leona lets his head loll onto their shoulder. Even in their presence it feels like his heart is hardening into a rock, one that upon being crushed, will never be recovered again. The night embraces them; two souls beaten down by life, robbed of their hopes and dreams.

Leona will never admit it, but that night, he holds their hand like it’s his only lifeline.

In the end, the thing that stomps on his aspirations is but a little child.

Cheka is what Malaika and Farena decide to call him. The young, adorable son of the king (in all but name anyways), who is also a promise that Leona shall never get the throne.

It’s… devastating. His steely, cold eyes are fixed unblinkingly on the snoring infant in his arms. Cheka had been crying non-stop in the middle of the night, craving his mother’s embrace, but Malaika is caught up in a meeting. As it turns out, funnily enough, he only goes quiet when he’s shoved into Leona’s arms.

Leona wills himself to feel hatred, to feel spite, but nothing comes out but for a single tear that rolls down his face. The only thing eating him up inside is pity for himself.

He feels lost. For the longest time he’s felt like he’s playing on the losing team, like the game’s rigged, but to think that the definite indication of his defeat is a young child?

The walls of the palace close in on him. Any second now they’ll come crashing down. Would anyone notice if he’s buried under debris? Probably not. The beloathed second prince, the disappointment in everyone’s eyes.

Is there any point in trying?

As hopelessness engulfs him, his only hope is to call for the only person left in his life who would still back him up. After all, they’ve promised time after time that they wouldn’t give up on them both. Hours tick by; he paces in his room, feeling every hair on his skin. There seems to be a predator in the corner of his room, looming over him, waiting to catch him in a moment of weakness.

He waits, and waits some more. When the guard returns empty-handed, he goes there by himself.

When was the last time they met? Right. Last month, when Leona asked the royal healer to gauge the cause of their mother’s illness. Dread overcomes him as he nears the shabby shop. Paired with the crumbling depression he’s been feeling the whole day, he won’t be surprised if the ground under him caves in swallows him whole.

It’s empty. The wooden sign says ‘closed’. There’s no light from the second floor, where they live. The flowers in front of the shop has withered. It looks vacant, deserted. Coincidentally, that’s also how Leona feels.

They’re just … gone. No one has idea where they’ve gone to; all of their neighbours claim that they just disappeared one day, like they were taken by the wind. Leona sends out anyone who’s not caught up in caring for the newborn prince to look for them, but to no avail. He has no idea what has happened to them, or whether they’re even still— alive.

The thought makes him sick to the stomach.

He waits for days. Weeks. Then he realises that he’s truly alone. For the first time in his life, there’s no one left in his life who know him.

Call it impulse, call it his mind playing tricks. He doesn’t have it in him to think about reason anyways. All he knows is that the longer he stays in this cage of a palace, he’ll suffocate.

A fortnight later, he digs out the crumbled, forgotten invitation letter from his drawer, and leaves for the college far away from his homeland.

Three or four years of school. That’s quite enough to make someone become a bitter, cynical person. That’s where Leona finds himself anyways, lazing his time away at NRC. He doesn’t technically like it here— too many people, too noisy— but it’s better than being stuck in the palace, forced to come face to face with the fact that he’s born with the short end of the stick.

Classes are largely meaningless. He doesn’t have to listen to a single lecture to get full marks in tests and exams. Leading his dorm and the Magift club doesn’t give him as much satisfaction as he initially expected. Most days it feels meaningless to do anything, but it doesn’t kill him. Whatever sadness or problems that come his way can be solved by a nap. If they persist, then two naps. Eventuality they will leave him alone; there isn’t much point in trying anyways.

Why the botanical garden? Well, it’s just a personal choice of his. Maybe it also has something to do with the fact that the mix of flowers and grass reminds him of a softer, better time. Not that he will ever admit it. If anyone asks him why he knows so much about botany, floriculture and all that, he can just brush it off by saying that he’s spent too much time in the garden.

He doesn’t really miss anything. Or anyone. This life he’s leading is not ideal, but, again, it’s just enough to get by.

At least he’s not totally lonely. There’s always someone bothering him, like Ruggie right now, who’s berating him for being late for the preparation of the entrance ceremony.

The corridor is packed with new, curious faces. Most of them seem to recognize the lion beastman and stay out of his way smartly. As he lazily trails behind Ruggie, he hears a bit of commotion coming from just around the corner. Gasps and cusses, and also muttered apologies.

It’s probably nothing, he thinks to himself as he turns— only to come face to face with a stack of books higher than him. It looms over him, threatening to fall directly on his head.

(is this… deja vu?)

Moments before he can feel the impact, Ruggie yells, “Laugh with me!” and manages to balance whoever’s holding the books. “Come on, Leona! We’re already late!”

As he clicks his tongue in annoyance and walks past the faceless student, he hears them mutter a thanks under their breath. It sounds- awfully familiar. Familiar enough to make him swivel around sharply, gaze drilling holes in their back.

“Leona!”

Damn it. He shakes the thought away and follows the hyena instead.

The little encounter gets forgotten in the back of his mind as he prepares to welcome a new group of dorm members. The newbies stand in a crooked queue, turning around and talking to the strangers around them. Some of them are adjusting their robes, the others fidgeting nervously. Whispers fly, most of them speculations of whichever dorm the speakers are about to be sorted in.

It doesn’t surprise him that most his new dorm members look to be physically advantaged. He wouldn’t want it other way; it helps raise his chances of victory in the next Magift tournament.

As he’s about to drift off into dreamland, he hears the next name being called. A name that he hasn’t spoken in years, a name that he’s been trying to bury in his memories.

There’s no mishearing it— his eyes are wide open now, landing on the hooded figure in front of the mirror. Their face is obscured, but then they give their own name to the mirror, and that’s when Leona knows for sure that’s it’s them.

He couldn’t put to words what was happening in his head. Happiness? Surprise? Confusion? An amalgamation of emotions blur within him. He holds his breath, waiting for the announcement of the dorm. What’s it gonna be? No, how even are they here? Have they somehow figured out magic? Where have they even been?

“The shape of thy soul belongs to… Savanaclaw."

Well, he'll be damned.

Immediately after hearing that, their head shoots up, eyes landing on the tall and muscled group of students. For some reasons he cannot fathom, he turns his face to the side, concealing himself. Is it because he's unready to confront a face from the past? Is it because he's hung up on the fact that they left him without a word?

No, it feels more like shame. He isn't sure if he wants to be seen by them in this state. Not yet.

He remains quiet during the trip back to the dorm. Ruggie shoots him a confused glance as he's supposed to give a short speech to welcome the first-year students, but he lets it slide.

Even as he's standing in the very front of the queue, he can make out that distinct flowery scent if he tries. Years of memories come crashing on him, so sudden that he finds himself at a loss of words as he leaves Ruggie to assign the rooms.

He knows there's no point in hiding when he's literally the dorm leader, but the thoughts within him are too much of a whirlwind. Even when he's time after time fantasized about meeting them again, this feels way too sudden. He needs time to untangle his feelings. Maybe then he'll have the guts to face them.

This plan goes down the drain in the end. He hates feeling like a coward, but what he hates even more is that they are literally in the same building as him, and he's knocking himself away. Propelled by nothing but a racing heart, he gets out of bed and down the hallways, coming to a stop in front of a room that he hopes is correct.

He knocks.

Seconds pass. No one seems to be answering. Just as he's about to give up and return to his room, the door is swung open, and in the doorway stands the person that's been weaving in and out of his dreams.

Time has been good to them. Their features have become more defined, and they are holding themselves up with more confidence now. Leona freezes right there like an awkward statue, mouth agape. Words fail him. What is he supposed to say anyways, except that he's missed them?

After a beat, recognition dawns on their face. The beam on their lips is so beautiful it could light up the whole building. They all but throw themselves at them, and Leona stumbles backward from the strength.

What is he to do but to wrap his ams around them as well? It feels like he's back in the palace again, only this time without any sourness coating his tongue.

So they finally get to talk about everything that's happened in the past years. It turns out that one night their mother got dangerously close to the edge of death, and in a moment of bone-chilling fear, they woke up the neighbourhood doctor for help. As usual, he couldn't do anything, but at the sight of their distraught tears, he advised that the two of them go away to this other country, where developments in technology and medicine were more advanced. With no time to waste, he helped them sneak onto the last late night ride out of Sunset Savanna and to the foreign land.

It turned out that there was indeed a possible cure for their mother, but the follow-up treatment was a long, taxing journey. They found a place to stay in, and it took six months for her situation to finally stabalize. By the time they had the time and money to return, Leona was already long gone. All they knew was that he'd gone to a prestigious school for magic users.

With the responsibility to support the family and continue the family business off their back, they could do whatever they want. And, as can be seen, they chose to pick up a few books from the local library and teach themselves magic, all so that they could meet Leona again.

At this, he is once again rendered speechless. All this time they've been giving their all just to get to him, and what has he been doing? Letting time slip through his fingers like sand? Suddenly he feels very, very small standing in front of them.

But as always, they don't push him away even after all this. Because they know the Leona who's buried under all these layesr: the Leona who's unafraid to speak up for his beliefs, the Leona who looks out for those around him, the Leona who never gives up no matter what. They're sure that he can pick himself up again.

And perhaps, with their hand securely in his once more, he can really try again.

I feel that it's a bit obvious that the ending is a bit rushed, even though it's supposed to be the 'to lovers' part in the 'childhood friends to lovers' equation. The truth is that my ideas only reached as far as the point where Leona goes to NRC, so the rest I just came up with on the spot. Not to mention this is just roughly how I imagine  the au would go, so there may be plot holes. That being said, here are some other ways the ending could go:

They don't get back together right away, but instead they slowly approach each other again, tip-toeing around each other the whole time. Perhaps they meet when his friend is visiting the botanical garden, because of course they would. Leona is distancing himself a bit cause he doesn't want them to see how he's turned out. But they eventually get familiar with each other again.

Similarly they don't confront each other immediately, but this time Leona's overblot does happen and they show up to stop it. I feel like they'd be disappointed at his ourburst and him using underhanded methods to secure victory, but give them a few scenes and they'll work it out together and Leona will see his faults.

And now onto a little reflection about this au of mine... it's such a precious brainchild of mine I want to cradle it in my arms until it eventually grows up to be an actual fic. But regretfully I have neither the time nor energy to plot everything out, only scattered ideas as you can see. There are quite a lot of things I want to develop in the story:

obviously the relationship between leona and his childhood friend

relationship between leona and kifaji

leona and farena

leona and his parents

leona's backstory, specifically how he became who he is today 

the theme of trying again and again

the theme of mutual support in a relationship

Juggling all of these and attempting to expand them to each their full potential have been a challenge. There are also other things that stand in the way, such as how to portray Leona in a young age. Personally I have almost zero recollection of my childhood so I can't help but struggle with balancing the helplessness he feels and the naive hope every child possesses.

But all of those aside, at least I'm putting this au out in the world. Maybe one day I'll get around to making it a real thing :) I hope y'all have enjoyed this mess of an au as much as I do!

If you're interested in the stuff that I came up with for this au weeks ago, it is linked below. JUST A HEADS UP: it's unedited and written before the recent event, so there could be inaccuracies. I also don't like how I've made Leona too bitter for a 8 year old. But feel free to read it and give me a few feedback!

google docs