#but also by the part where i have coworkers on both sides of three conflict zones right now

[ardeawritten]

Something something 'either die a hero-' phrasing for this but it's not working out quite yet. But the heart of it is:

Either learn to love the neighbor-stranger across the street/wall/tracks or disregard them long enough to believe them your enemy.

[slippery-domjot-balls]

DS9 S4 E11 Homefront & E12 Paradise Lost, slippery thoughts

Wow....let me catch my breath. That was a wild and tense ride. Nice scenery too. Obviously these are just my opinions, but I wanted to share them because Star Trek makes me happy and passionate. I want you to be happy and passionate too!

Given the intensity of these two episodes I completely forgot it started off with Jadzia pulling off the most specific pranks on Odo.

Jadzia: I sneak into my coworker's private quarters and move his furniture by 3 cm every couple of days.

Quark: That's weird. They would not even notice that change.

Jadzia: Oh, no no no. He sees it every time and it drives him insane.

Audience: Oh you silly worm!

And I loved that we got to see these two besties playing pretend. We need more Miles and Julian aviation adventures. Super cute pals.

R.I.P. Clive

Playtime is over now because the changelings have basically infiltrated Earth and are ruining everything all the time and it isn't fun anymore....or are they? They are, but are they? Possibly. Probably. Perhaps.

To me this kind of episode is the pinnacle of what Star Trek writing has always been about. We see a complex evaluation of choices in conflict. It is not about an obvious "right" or "wrong", but one decision versus another. This is a battle between perspective and reason. All sides contain some merit. This episode also shows good intentions taken too far and taken beyond the ethical reasoning that initially inspired the action.

If this episode were to have a villain it would be fear and paranoia itself and not any particular character.

Vice Admiral Leyton was an amazing character. It was brilliant to establish that he had a close professional history with Sisko early in the episode because it immediately made me trust him. You sneaky writers!! But that was the whole point. The story that was unfolding to the audience purposefully made us feel betrayed with Sisko. We co-experienced in real time the feeling seeing a close friend commit treason.

Enter the most powerful man on Earth. He can move the most stubborn hearts, calm the most irrational mind, and fill up the most starved stomach. Replicated foods beware of Grandpa Sisko. I see where Jake gets his style too! It was so believable that these three were family. You could see how cadences, mannerism, and behaviors in Granddad Sisko were passed to Ben and then passed down to Jake, but in their own naturally developing ways in each generation.

*Spoiler Alert* Grandpa Sisko also saves the day.

Just when I thought this episode had all the ingredients for perfection Nog the keeper of all things pure and innocent shows up. Look at that smug Ferengi. He knows that he is the best thing at the Academy and so do we.

A great thing about these two episodes is that every character acts as an essential part of the story. Nog will lead Ben on the chase with his talk of the Red Squad. A+ Nog!

This ain't your normal seagull. This one loves Bajoran women.

Around this point we have all the main details of the episode. Admiral Leyton and Captain Sisko are working together to protect Earth from a suspected Dominion infiltration and invasion. The President of the Federation is against the proposed worldwide security changes but reluctantly allows their implementation.

With security personnel, blood tests of all crucial Starfleet staff and family members, and martial law practically in effect everywhere we are ready to repel any Dominion attacks. After all, the wormhole was winking at DS9 a lot so perhaps a cloaked invasion fleet is on Earth's doorstep.

HERE WE GO! Papa Sisko challenges Daddy Sisko's paranoia. Ben is seeing changelings in his sleep and not the Odo kind either.

So we start to see the episode present one of it's many challenges:

How far should we trade individual autonomy for protection?

And THIS is why I love Star Trek. Grandfather Sisko is absolutely correct!! And yet, Ben Sisko is also correct. Both want to protect what they love, life ad they know and perceive it.

We search for the highest good in each situation. Ben wants to secure and save everything he loves on Earth. He wants to protect his family, his home, and everything therein. Grandpa Sisko wants the EXACT same thing. The methods to achieve their shared goal is in conflict.

DS9 writers have a candy bar on me. Well done!!! (engage smooching sounds)

This very moment is crucial for Ben. His paranoia is pushing him toward the type of dictatorial control that Admiral Leyton is calling for, but Ben has found that not only is something odd happening in the background but this entire movement smell stinky.

Nog is such a good cadet. I love him with all my little heart. He provided critical information about Starfleet Academy's unofficial super special secret mean girls club Red Squad. This little snack of information sets Ben Sisko on the trail of breadcrumbs leading to the smorgasbord of treason committed by Leyton.

Smug Shapeshifting O'Brien is a gift. Enjoy every second of this hilarious goop boy. Colm really did a great job. We do see that there is a Dominion changeling on earth (saw it earlier in Homefront as well). We understand how real the threat of their activity can be. We especially see how terrifying a changeling can be when Dominion version O'Brien has a little chat with Ben. It might only take one hostile changeling to completely destabilize an entire world.

I do wish we figured out how the fake changeling blood was created to trap Sisko. Clever girl, Admiral.

I felt bad for Leyton. He is someone caught in a difficult position of authority and personal fears. His own paranoia drove him to the utmost extreme. I imagined that maybe he has a cute little family with a kid back home. I imagined what it might be like in his shoes. It would be hard to live thinking that your lack of effort led to the death of your child or friend or family member or significant other. It would be hard to go to bed knowing that the person you once shared it with prematurely died because of that you thought you failed to do. Even in much of the two episodes his facial expressions show a man full of internal strife and conflict. It is as if he kept questioning his actions as he made them.

What if his fear of failing his community drove him to radical dictatorship? He wanted to keep all that he loved safe, but he betrayed everyone he loved. He demanded that all his loyal friends trust him. Trust is a two way exchange though. He abandoned trusting his friends and confidants. That was the beginning of his downfall.

Leyton wanted to protect society at the cost of society itself. He could not see beyond his fear of losing society to war and enemies abroad to the point of blindness. He became an enemy of all he cherished, and I honestly think that he knew that too. He was just so scared that he desperately dug in to the one aspect of his life that he thought he could control, which is so relatable. We all can act irrationally under stress and pressure. This is not justification or approval. This is accepting that life may not have as many villains in it as we are told to believe. People are just trying to be people, meet their obligations and responsibilities while preserving what little bit of life exists to enjoy.

We are all prone to brash behaviors in order to protect what we love, but sometimes it is healthy to set down the admiralty bars and accept that you can't do it all, especially alone.

Remember that everyone in this episode wanted the same thing. Leyton wanted to protect life. Sisko wanted to protect life. Grandpa Sisko wanted to protect life. Everyone held the same belief and motivation.

I appreciated how solemnly Leyton gave in and how respectfully he surrendered. It actually felt less like defeat and more like he was relieved of a burden that he was too overwhelmed to carry alone. He didn't need to carry it alone but chose to go alone. In a symbolic way by removing the admiral bars he set down his fear and moved on.

The amount of time taken for these shots impressed upon me the symbolic significance of it. Sisko also lets go and moves on with Leyton. By setting the phaser down he too lets go and agrees it is time to move forward from this conflict. He is still betrayed and disappointed, but he is not stuck or trapped in the past. He sets down his weapon and joins Leyton in facing a reality outside the oppression of their own paranoia.

I loved that Paradise Lost ends with the restaurant opening up again. It is the resolution these episodes needed. It was closure showing that being open to others and not letting the world cloud you of the humanity in others is fundamental to life.

Despite the many differences in all these characters, regardless of where they were in the progress of their own lives, no matter the goal or intention, we all essentially desire the same things.

Star Trek is the future I hope for!

If you made it to the end of this post and are reading this then 10,000 sweet kisses to your forehead. If you didn't make it then I am still giving your forehead tender kisses, you are just not aware of it.

[jasperswh0re]

Savior [Raylan Givens x reader]

Part four! Sorry this is so late. Also sorry it’s kinda short. Gender neutral reader as always :D also I finally realized a good ending to this series, there might be only a few more parts left

Summary: Raylan finds out why you’re in Kentucky. And it seems that you’re the calm before the storm.

Word count: 1,446

Warnings: Alludes to sexy times but its skipped over (i dont write smut, sorry)

part three

---

You were forced into protection by the U.S. Marshall service the morning after the attack. Raylan didn’t give you much of a choice. The unanswered question still lingered in the air. 

You never answered him. You’ve been dead silent since the night before. It was starting to give him a headache. Actually, maybe that was the hangover.

Raylan was pacing around his workspace, waiting for your interview with his coworkers to end. He didn’t have the opportunity to sit in on the interview since Art said it was a conflict of interest.

Eventually, Rachel and Tim left the conference room simultaneously. You stayed in your seat while thinking over everything. Raylan wanted to go and comfort you but he needed answers.

The look in his eyes was enough for Rachel to skip past him, throwing some excuse to grab a coffee. Tim attempted to do the same but Raylan placed a hand on his coworker’s chest and stopped him in his place.

“Why are they here?” Tim remained silent. “Tim-” He said slowly, keeping his eyes on the ground- “If I don’t know why they’re here... Then I can’t help them. Any information you give me can save their life.”

The deputy looked to the side and sighed, “They’re in Kentucky because of some sort of family thing.”

“Family thing?”

Tim met his friend’s eyes, “They’re distantly related to the Crowder’s. They suspect that Bo Crowder is after them.”

Raylan was frozen where he stood. His eyes flickered to you in the conference room. The rim of his hat barely hid his deadly glance. 

You were messing with a dent on the table. You could feel his stare. All you wanted to do was melt away forever.

“Alright,” Raylan held his composure. “I’m taking them out of town.”

“Art knew you would say that. I’m coming with you.”

The majority of the car ride was silent and Tim could feel the tension in the air. As he sat in the passenger’s seat, his eyes would dart between you and Raylan.

You were comfortable in the backseat. Tim was kind enough to get you coffee from the office, as crappy as it was. As usual, you were unnervingly calm.

Raylan tapped his fingers against the steering wheel, biting down on his lower lip. Everything he wanted to let out he held in for as long as he could.

The two marshalls came to the conclusion that it would be best if you stayed at Raylan’s motel. Your room was next door and easy access for both of them. But the three of you stayed in Raylan’s room for the time being. You still never spoke.

“Well, I’m gonna turn in,” Tim stood. “Raylan, are you taking the bed or will you be a gracious host?”

Raylan threw a playful glare at his coworker and gestured towards the bed. You stood from your seat across from him.

“I’ll walk you back to your room,” Raylan stood up quicker than any bullet shot from his gun. You held up a hand to stop him but he followed anyway.

“Goodnight, Raylan,” You said, facing the doorway and clutching the knob. Raylan flipped you around by the shoulder, keeping you against the wooden frame.

“What is the matter with you?”

“Excuse me?” You stared at him with a certain harshness. His brown eyes were desperate.

“You’re- ...You’re insane! You’re completely insane, (Y/n),” Raylan whined. “Someone is after you and you’re sitting like a duck. A duck waiting to be shot.”

“I am not a duck, Raylan.”

“You know that’s not the point,” He stuck his finger at you.

"Then what is the point?”

Raylan’s voice went up in volume. “The point is that you’re not afraid!” 

“Why should I be?” You matched his voice.

“Because you could die!” Raylan lifted his hands as if he was about to cup your face but didn’t. His large hands dropped while he stared at the floor, trying to wipe the stress off of his face. 

“The fact is you nearly died,” He talked slowly. “...And with your lack of a response to the situation... I am inclined to believe that you’re not bothered by that fact.”

It took a while for you to respond.

“I’m not.”

“Why?” He whined. “Why in the world are you okay with that?”

You looked away from his face, afraid of what you could say when staring into his eyes. “I’m not okay with it. It’s just... complicated.”

“Try me.”

You looked back at him after a moment passed. It dawned on you that he hadn’t stopped staring at you in the past thirty-six hours. Like you would vanish at any second.

The Kentucky breeze flew by your figures. A cool comparison to the heat your bodies shared. 

Raylan was so worried. You hated to see him like this. If he knew the truth, would it make everything better or worse?

You drew a long sigh and pushed Raylan onto the outdoor furniture on the porch. His hard gaze remained.

“Assuming you know I’m related to the Crowder’s,” You began. “Only distantly... But not distant enough.”

“I’m aware of the Crowders,” Raylan said. “I didn’t know you were from Harlan.”

“I’m not,” You said. “Not really. My parents had me in Louisiana, but when I was three I moved to Kentucky. In another small town not far from Harlan... We visited often.”

You scratched your forearm, suddenly nervous. Raylan had never seen you like this. You continued.

“Long story short, my parents got involved in the drug business that Bo Crowder was in charge of. They never repaid their debts and...” You could feel yourself tearing up. “Now they’re gone. They had someone sent up to Oregon to off them... Honestly, the Crowder’s have been tormenting my life since.”

You didn’t dare look him in the eye as he placed a comforting hand on your back. 

“I figured I would just get it over with... I have no money to spare so-”

“So you just offer yourself up... Like- like... Some sort of sacrifice?” Raylan stared at you wildly.

“I have nothing to lose, Raylan,” You met his furious eyes. “I have nothing left in my life. The only family I had left in the world is gone.”

All Raylan could do was stare at you. He watched as silent tears trickled down your cheeks. He inched towards your figure and inclined his head to place a subtle kiss on your cheek, where the tear streaks ran.

You looked at him dumbfounded and found yourself unable to speak. Raylan gently kissed your other cheek, then continued to do this until his lips met yours. They were hesitant. Gentle. You leaned into his body, finally allowing him in. 

Your hands lifted to his cheeks. You could feel the stubble on his skin as you inhaled his scent. He tasted like whiskey but smelled like Cypress. 

Somewhere along the lines of this, you found yourself pressed against the cushiony duvet of your motel bed. Raylan’s large hands trailed all over your body as you did your best to rip off his extra clothing. 

By the end of the night, you both were cozied under the covers. Raylan’s grasp on you was tight. With one arm under and another over your torso, his head rested comfortably on your own, you stayed in a spooning position. Neither of you spoke for a long time but remained awake.

“I’m here,” Raylan finally said.

You hummed in response, too tired to speak. 

“You said everyone was gone... Well... I’m here,” His southern drawl was deep and full of compassion. 

“Raylan...”

“No, no... You had your time to speak,” He said. “...You know... I’ve been running around this damned state for weeks. Hell of a lot longer before you came along.”

You stayed silent.

“And I get it. I know how easy it is to give up. I don’t love it here, not as much as the next person,” He chuckled. “But laying eyes on you, that day we met... Life felt a little different in Kentucky. I found myself involuntarily looking for you... How weird is that?”

You gave a tiny laugh, holding Raylan’s hand against your beating heart. “Kinda weird...”

He sighed, “Then I saw you in that bar again. For a split second, it was like I could breathe. It was like I was drowning and you were the breath of fresh air.”

Taking in Raylan’s words, you didn’t say a thing. You slowly kissed his fingertips before falling into a deep sleep. When your breathing steadied, Raylan nestled his face into the crook of your neck. He slept peacefully for the first time in weeks. 

[cherryriotcrash]

Scream. Aim. Fire.

Smoke is blinding, hearts are pounding, chaos soon ignites. The call is made; it's one for all. Will I meet thy maker?

Ao3 | Ko-Fi | Join the Taglist | Masterlist

Summary: A training accident has lasting effects.

Chapter Warnings: mild violence, swearing, brief blood mention, nausea mention, angst, brief mention of size difference, Katsuki Bakugo has clearly gone to therapy, reader gives Katsuki stupid nicknames, let Deku say fuck.

18+ | Minors and ageless blogs DNI

All characters depicted are mid 20s or older.

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

“Okay, so I can forgive doing mandatory agency wide sparring in the first place, but I draw the line at it being done this early in the morning.”

You were standing next to Denki in the middle of the indoor training arena built into the agency, bleary eyed and yawning repeatedly as you stretched out, joints popping loudly in the early morning quiet and echoing off of the walls.

“Not agency wide,” Denki groaned, “In sections. And it’s section three’s turn.”

“Who all is in section three?”

“Us, Sero, Kiri, Midoriya, and Bakugo.”

You groaned, “What’s the over/under that Todoroki pairs me up with Bakugo as some kind of half assed conflict counseling?”

“I’d take that bet.” Shoto said, “You two are last because he can get…destructive.”

The remainder of the section trickled in, and Shoto paired everyone off as they entered before shooing you towards a quirk-suppressing viewing area. You ended up sandwiched on the bench between Izuku and Bakugo, and during each battle, Izuku would fill you in on each person’s quirk from a notebook in his lap that appeared to be years old. Some of the ink was faded after years of review and some was fresh as he learned. He flipped to the end to show that you had your own page, and you offered to answer whatever questions he had.

“But wait,” you asked halfway through a sparring match between Denki and Eijiro, “Kiri is essentially a sentient rock with manners. Wouldn’t paring him with Denki present an unfair advantage considering that rocks are insulators?”

“You would think! However, Denki is also strategic! These unlikely pairings are more to keep his tactical planning and hand-to-hand skills sharp, considering his quirk is primarily melee style! Much like you, he can’t really point and shoot his quirk without the apparatus on his arm, sort of how Bakugo uses his other hand to guide his AP shot.”

“Quit givin’ away my secrets, nerd.” Katsuki grumbled, and Izuku rolled his eyes before continuing, “Without it, Denki’s attacks are called ‘Indiscriminate Shock’ for a reason, and it’s why we teamed you two up! Yours are more easily directed where you’d like them to go.”

You two continued to discuss varying quirks as the match went on, and at one point he gave you a brief rundown of his own (There were actually several quirks involved apparently, he said he’d explain another time) before heading into his own match against Sero. It was very clearly a sparring match focused on refining evasion skills on both parts, more of a timed based game of tag than anything else. For the first time, you watched Izuku use Blackwhip and your head tilted to the side, “Did he just shoot one out of his mouth?”

“It’s called ‘Froppy Style.’ ” Katsuki replied absently, “Like our coworker. We went to school with her.”

“Huh. I have got to ask him about that.”

“He’s not 100 percent sure how his quirk works either.”

“Strange…wasn’t his mentor All Might? I remember him showing a similar quirk in American media an—”

“Drop it. Mind your own fucking business.”

A whistle blew as you returned your attention to the battlefield as Hanta and Izuku walked shoulder to shoulder off of the field, your cheeks were stinging with indignance. Shoto looked over his shoulder, “Dynamight and Syncopate, you’re up. Last match of the morning.”

You hopped right up and bounded out of the enclosed viewing area and onto the field without looking back, jaw tight as you bit back several explicit comments about Katsuki’s personality. You shook hands as instructed, and turned to Shoto, “I’ve never done this before, what are my left and right lateral limits?”

“Keep property damage to a minimum, pay attention to your proximity to the viewing area, no killing blows, practice good sportsmanship,” He glanced over to Katsuki, “and the match starts and stops at the whistle. Aizawa is present to try and prevent quirk related accidents. When it comes to body blows, the face, head, neck, and center of the chest are red zones; do not strike there. Blows to the genitals are also red zones for both of you. I don’t know what lives in your pants, you could have five weenies for all I give a shit, don’t hit each other there. Joints are yellow zones, some blows are permitted, but certain actions are not, such as punching someone in the elbow.”

Shoto glanced at Katsuki again, who rolled his eyes, “That was one time.”

“Yeah, and the image of Izuku’s catastrophically hyperextended elbow still haunts my dreams. Anyway, the rest of the body is green zones. Use best judgement, you’re not trying to kill the other or maim them. Ready up.”

Shoto retreated towards the viewing area, and the minute the whistle blew, you drained the lights, leaping lightly behind Katsuki before restoring the power and kicking him in the base of the spine. Katsuki growled, swiping at you fast enough to knock you off kilter. The battle rapidly became a high-speed match of wits, until finally you both went to strike a blow on the other, attacks colliding in a clap of thunder and lightning that surged the power in the battle area. You created an aura around you as a security system, carefully monitoring for shifts that may indicate Katsuki had discovered your location in the darkened room. Suddenly, you heard the sharp sound of the whistle followed by Shoto shouting that the match was on hold until power could be restored. You powered down with a sigh.

“You catch that, Ba—"

Suddenly, you hear a triumphant yell and an explosion directly in your left ear, sending splitting pain through your head as you heard a high-pitched ring and then nothing as your right side crashed into the wall. The lights flickered back on as you smacked your ears repeatedly, trying to force audio through before looking around in a panic and locking on to Katsuki’s suddenly confused face as he was wrapped in a gray scarf.

“And that,” Aizawa replied from somewhere on your right, “Is why I insist on being present for your sparring matches. What the hell was that Bakugo?”

“I…have no clue what’s going on. I smacked her in the shoulder, that’s a green zone!”

“No,” Shoto replied slowly, “you ignored the whistle and struck after the match had been suspended until we could fix the lights.”

“I did what?! That’s not possible, the whistle never went off!”

You stumbled to your feet, body feeling as if it was on a tilt. You pressed your fingers to both ears again with a wince, and your stomach dropped when they came back bright red, “I hate to interrupt, but we have a much larger problem.”

Katsuki looked horrified as you turned your head to show your bleeding ear, “I also can’t hear out of that ear and the other one is kind of muffled.”

“(Y/N), go to medbay. Recovery Girl is in today, she can probably reverse the damage before it’s too late.”

“I’m not going anywhere until we figure out what just happened.” You took a step forward and stumbled again, “Plus, I can’t take myself. My equilibrium is shot to hell. Feels like the world is on a tilt and if I move too fast, I’m pretty sure we’re all gonna see what I had for lunch.”

You shifted your eyes to Katsuki, “There was definitely a whistle. It was loud as hell. How did you miss that?”

“I’m telling you, all I heard was white noise!” Katsuki yelled, “What reason do I have to lie?”

“Your hero license.” Shoto shot back.

Katsuki basically snarled, “Is already on the line! Lying does nothing for me right now!”

Aizawa tightened his hold on Bakugo, saying something you couldn’t quite catch. Whatever it was caused red to creep further up his neck, “I AM NOT SHOUTING HER DOWN, SHE CAN’T HEAR! Don’t you think I’d know a thing or two about hearing loss?! I’m yelling so she can hear me!”

“Wait, what the hell does that mean?”

Everyone turned to look at you as if you’d said something insane.

“This is not the time for jokes,” Aizawa replied, raising his voice for your sake, “you are seriously injured and he’s facing drastic disciplinary and legal action.”

“It’s a good thing I’m not joking. What do you mean you’d know a thing or two about not being able to hear?”

“I—” Katsuki looked as if he’d been smacked across the face, “I’m severely deaf due to my quirk. I wear hearing aids.”

“Wait. What?!”

“I SAID—”

“I heard you, you ass!” You snapped, “But I need you to show me. Mr. Aizawa, can you release him?”

Aizawa hesitated a moment, then released the hold on Katsuki, who rolled out his shoulders for a moment before reaching up to one of his ears. He walked towards you and dropped a small, flesh toned hearing aid into your outstretched palm, “Normally they’re black and orange, but those ones are in for servicing, so I had to wear the ones I usually save for when I’m off-duty.”

You handed the hearing aid back to him, “Good to know. Now, what I’m trying to figure out is why neither of you,” you jabbed a finger towards Shoto and Aizawa, “bothered to tell me that! I have an electric quirk, and that is an assistive device powered by electricity! I need that kind of information about an opponent!”

Shoto stiffened, “Well, it’s extremely common knowledge—”

“So common that I didn’t know it, right?” You wobbled dangerously, clutching onto Katsuki’s belt to steady yourself. He widened his stance to accommodate you but was seemingly unbothered otherwise as you continued yelling.

“Common knowledge is subjective, and assuming it’s universal can get someone fucking killed or apparently fucking deafened!”

“Watch it,” Aizawa warned, “You’re generating sparks, and that is still your supervisor you’re shouting at.”

“And it’s his job to bear all of our safety in mind! Imagine if Katsuki had a pacemaker instead of a hearing aid! Would you still be asking me to watch it?!”

An uneasy silence settled over the four of you. After what felt like ages, Shoto broke the silence, “I…I apologize. I should have let you know. I’m…accustomed to everyone knowing each other, and it made me sloppy. I know how deeply you care about safety, and why such an oversight could potentially be triggering to you. If you need time off—”

“I’m not triggered, I’m angry. I’m angry, I’m dizzy, and I’m also going to be a whole ass problem if this man gets his record damaged or his license revoked due to your negligence.”

Katsuki snorted, “Oh don’t worry about the record. It’s already questionable.”

“Shut the fuck up, Gauntlets!” He said something that may have been yes ma’am, and you turned back to Shoto, “If you want your apology to stick, save it for when I’m calm. Now, can someone please escort me to medical?” You felt another wave of dizziness and clutched Katsuki’s belt tighter, “Preferably before I throw up?”

“Eri get you with her swear jar lately?”

You looked up at Katsuki as you ate your lunch, wiping your mouth with a napkin before replying, “Yeah, she’s fuckin ruthless.”

“I heard that!” You swore again under your breath, too low for her to hear, and Katsuki snickered. You looked up at him with a defeated face and he put his hands up in surrender.

“I’m not laughing at you, I swear. I’m laughing because I’ve absolutely been in this position” He pointed to a chart behind the swear jar depicting how much folks have contributed to the fund. Almost every block had a dollar value in it (save for Izuku’s), but Katsuki’s block had a five-digit number.

“Girl’s got better hearing than I did in my teens. Granted, that might not count for too much,” he added, gesturing towards his ear.

You snickered, “I’m giving you a run for your money, hot head. I’m already in the hundreds. The worst is when she catches me swearing and then I do it again, and it’s just a chain reaction of swears until I can get my mouth out of the fucking gutter.”

“I heard that too!”

“I said ‘fluffing’! Jeez Sparkle, you’re gunning for my entire check!”

Eri leaned back from her spot at the reception desk and glanced at Katsuki, who shrugged, “I heard ‘fluffing’.”

Eri squinted, unconvinced, but rolled back up to her desk. Katsuki smiled softly before looking down at you, “Now that we’re co-conspirators in the battle against Eri’s attempts to maintain a professional work environment, can I sit?”

You gestured towards the seat across from you, “What’s up, hot head? Come to get kicked in the chest again? First one’s free, but you gotta pay for the ones after that.”

Katsuki absentmindedly rubbed at the center of his chest, feeling the ghost of the (tiny in his opinion, but he was a large man) boot print you’d left on his chest at one point, “I think I’m good, gotta save my money for the swear jar anyway. How’s your ear?”

“Recovery Girl was able to repair my eardrum, but she isn’t a miracle worker, so there’s gonna be permanent hearing loss. I have follow-ups for the foreseeable future to see where it settles out, but it shouldn’t slow me down much.”

“I—”

“Katsuki if you apologize to me again, I will pitch this entire tray of…arguably what could be called lunch at you. It’s been a month, it was a freak accident, and I’m not angry about it. Well, at least not with you. My biggest concern at this point is finding a hearing aid I won’t damage with my quirk, and Shoto has made me the lead on the safety program so that’s a fun load of paperwork. Also, quit blowing shit up, you fuck!” You whisper the profanity through gritted teeth, “You’re expensive!”

“Well, tell folks to quit pissing me off before I knock—”

“Choose the rest of that sentence very carefully.”

“—something in the office apart.” He drummed his fingers on the table, “Look, this isn’t a thing that comes naturally to me, so just…bear with me here. I think…well, no. We definitely got off on a bad foot. I’m not normally so…”

“Hostile? Useless? Reckless? A whole entire unadulterated fu—uh…jerk?” You felt Eri’s eyes burning a hole in the back of your head and Katsuki grimaced.

“I was going to go with ‘caught off guard’, but thanks. Anyway, I’m just trying to say that I’m sorry. It won’t make you hate me any less because you can’t undo a first impression, but I wanted you to know that’s not normally how I operate.”

You scrunched your nose in confusion, “Who said I hate you?”

Katsuki looked smacked, “I’m sorry, I was under the impression that kicking the door to a men’s locker room in with no regards as to whether or not the occupants were dressed and leaping 20 feet through the air just to kick someone in the chest is a bit hateful. You also just called me a ‘whole entire unadulterated jerk’.”

“I don’t hate you. I was angry with you. As far as our introduction goes, it was my first time encountering you on my second week at a new agency in not just a new country, but a new continent, and you could have died, Katsuki. You could have died, and it would have been my fault because it was my strategy. I asked you to shoot the hydrant, I boosted Denki’s power, and ultimately it would have been my actions that lead to the number two pro hero being killed in a freak accident, and it’s something I just…look, I just need you to honor my callouts, okay? I know I’m new here, but I’m not a new hero. Trust me when I say that I am intimately familiar with my own strength and the consequences it could bring about. There’s a reason I’m not angry with you about the accident.”

Katsuki nodded at you as you prodded at your food, and even he could tell there was an issue you didn’t want to talk about, probably pertaining to the tan line on your left ring finger that hadn’t quite faded out yet.

“Last question,” he murmured, “I have an old schoolmate I have a quid-pro-quo arrangement with. Let me take you to see her for your hearing aids. Her work is excellent, and she’s actually got my hearing aids anyway for maintenance so might as will kill two birds with one stone.”

“I—that’s actually really sweet. Thank you.”

Katsuki’s face tinged pink, “ ’s fine, no big deal. After all, I can’t insult you if you can’t hear it. I’m going tomorrow, so I’ll work it out with IcyHot. Want me to pick you up from home or from here?”

“You can grab me from where I’m staying. You know, there are easier ways to get invited over that don’t involve throwing me across the room. I usually make you wait for the second date for that.” You teased, snickering when his face flushed full red.

“What was that you said about making things weird?”

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter

[carromeaway]

Dazai is a Sociopath

Dazai is a Sociopath

A Persuasive Essay About Why Dazai is a Sociopath

By @carromeaway

Dedicated to @/bsdthoughts on Twitter

Created to annoy said user

Also, I thought this would be a good way to practice how to write arguments

This may contain spoilers! Read at your own risk.

Also trigger warning! Mentions of suicide and self-harm!

Oh, also here’s a PDF version if you don’t wanna read it here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1aNYWMTb8wNEaoZGb9277_UcsUzNQjoHP/view

The definition of a sociopath, stated by the Oxford English Dictionary, is “a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience.” In this essay, I will be explaining the personality disorder and how it correlates to Dazai Osamu’s character in Bungou Stray Dogs. I will be focusing on four key points for my argument; how Dazai fits the attributes of a sociopath, why I do not consider him a psychopath, how it affects his relationship with others, and how it may explain his past and his actions. Keep in mind that this is only a theory and I will be including both assumptions and speculations to support my argument. 

Let us begin with the point how Dazai fits the attributes of a sociopath. Common signs of a person with sociopathy, or an antisocial personality disorder, include lying or deceiving others for a goal, being charismatic and manipulative, criminal behavior, lack of empathy and/or remorse, struggles with forming good relationships, recklessness for his and others’ safety, and irresponsibility among other things. Dazai has exhibited behavior with all of these symptoms. I could give a variety of examples where Dazai has lied or manipulated someone for the sake of achieving his objective. For the sake of keeping this shorter, I’ll provide only a couple of situations.

    Dazai had been caught by the Port Mafia, albeit on purpose, and came across his old partner from his days in the mafia, Nakahara Chuuya. This happens in the tenth episode of the anime and the tenth chapter of the manga. During his interaction with Chuuya, Dazai manipulates Chuuya by blackmailing him using the fact that Chuuya was the one who released Dazai from his chains. He also blackmails the mafia by sending them a threatening letter containing a simple statement, warning the mafia that if he were to die, then all their secrets would be exposed. Another example of his manipulative behaviour would be when it is insinuated that Dazai deflates Sakaguchi Ango’s airbag in his car so he would sustain multiple injuries when another car rammed into theirs. This was to force Ango, a government agent, to cover up the 35 murders that Izumi Kyouka, an Armed Detective Agency member, had committed. This takes place in episode 19 (episode 7 of season 2) of the anime and chapter 26 and 33 of the manga.

    Dazai has also displayed recklessness, irresponsibility, and a lack of empathy and remorse. Using the same example as before, Dazai showed no remorse for Ango when he was severely injured by the car accident. Dazai is often irresponsible, pushing his work on to others and lazing about when he should have been productive. This is a repeated pattern throughout the entirety of the manga and anime, so I’m sure if you’re reading this, you have no need for any examples. Additionally, Dazai has always been very reckless with his actions, his plans often include someone being thrown to the sharks. You can see this in episode 21 (episode 9 of season 2) in the anime and chapters 30-31 in the manga when Chuuya is forced to use Corruption to defeat H.P. Lovecraft as planned by Dazai. 

    I could go on for a while about Dazai’s sociopathic traits, but that is not the focus of this essay, so let us move on to my second point. Dazai is not a psychopath. Psychopaths and sociopaths have many similar symptoms. Every trait I listed previously are ones that both types of people share. So, why would I not consider Dazai a psychopath? There is a very simple reason for that. One of the biggest differences between a psychopath and a sociopath is the ability to be attached to others. While psychopaths may be able to fake a relationship, whether it’s platonic or romantic, they are completely unable to form real bonds with other people. On the other hand, while it may be difficult for them, sociopaths can have genuine relationships with others. 

    My biggest piece of evidence for this section is the bond between Oda Sakunosuke and Dazai. Dazai in the Dark Era, when he is in the Port Mafia, and Dazai when he joins the Armed Detective Agency are two very different parts of the same whole. Dazai in the Port Mafia is quite a bit more serious and emotionless, while Dazai in the ADA is much more lighthearted compared to his former self. There is a huge fact to point out, though. Dazai with Odasaku was strikingly dissimilar to how he acted without Odasaku there. Dazai acted a lot more childish with Odasaku around, exhibiting their comfortability around each other. They had a close bond and Dazai was a lot more vulnerable around Odasaku than around anyone else. That was the reason Odasaku was able to understand Dazai better than anyone else.  

    In chapter 4 of the light novel, Dazai Osamu and the Dark Era, and in episode 16 (episode 4 of season 2) of the anime, Odasaku talked about Dazai during his fight with Mimic’s leader, André Gide. He stated, “I still have one unfinished matter. I didn’t say goodbye to my friend.” He later goes on to explain the difference between Gide and Dazai, who were both actively seeking death. This displays their closeness, and it is canon that only Odasaku was able to get that far into Dazai’s mind. Dazai also showed sorrow when Odasaku passed away, which is an emotion that is difficult for sociopaths to feel unless they have a bond with someone. As a side note, I would also like to point out that while there is no certain proof, Dazai does seem to feel a little remorse for some of his harmful actions. That is another trait unique to sociopaths in comparison to psychopaths.

    My third point is how Dazai’s possible antisocial personality disorder may affect his relationships with other people. While you may argue that Dazai can feel sympathy for others, especially when he is the one who saved Nakajima Atsushi from starvation, I believe that that was only for Odasaku. In episode 16 (episode 4 of season 2), Odasaku explicitly tells Dazai to “protect the weak and save the orphans.” It would make sense if Dazai only saved Atsushi because he felt as if he had to carry out his friend’s orders. 

I would also like to point out his relationship with Nakahara Chuuya. Before I begin explaining, I feel the need to mention that this is mainly speculation and is very likely to be proven wrong. Dazai and Chuuya seem to have a deep hatred for each other, as you can tell by the multiple times they have stated that they despise each other. An example would be episode 21 (episode 9 of season 2) in the anime and chapters 30-31 in the manga. While I do not want to put words into their mouths, I would like to point out that their actions contradict their statements. In the same episode, Chuuya expressed worry for Dazai when he is thrown into the tree and nearly loses his arm. In another scene, Dazai cleans up the blood on Chuuya’s face and neatly folds his clothes after Chuuya passes out from exhaustion as he had been using Corruption (or Tainted, whatever you prefer). While he does abandon him, it goes to show that Dazai has, at least, a little bit of a conscience. 

This may be a long shot and you are free to argue (respectfully) with me about this, but I believe that Dazai does not really hate Chuuya. There are three emotions that are the easiest for sociopaths to feel. Hatred, anger, and fear. I think Dazai has some conflicting feelings about Chuuya (I swear I’m not insinuating anything), but he resorts to hatred to define those feelings because it was simply the easiest emotion to feel. On a similar note, Dazai doesn’t really have any good relationships with the people he interacts with, like his coworkers at the ADA. While they may care about him and vice versa, the relationship with his coworkers doesn’t seem to go deeper than mutual respect and common decency. 

My fourth and final point in this essay is how Dazai’s sociopathy correlates with his actions and his past. Now, I warn you, there isn’t a lot of evidence for this theory, but I hope you can still hear me out about it. I think Dazai understands that he is a sociopath. You could argue with me that Dazai isn’t a sociopath, that he feels sympathy for the innocent people who get caught up in their business, but I don’t buy that. While this sounds quite harsh, I don’t believe that Dazai has a sense of empathy, especially when Dazai continues to inconvenience others despite knowing what he’s doing. But if Dazai knows he’s a sociopath, why doesn’t he change? Well, that’s simple. He can’t. There’s no way he can force himself to feel empathy and adjust his actions. His brain doesn’t work that way. He can pretend to be sympathetic, but what’s the point in that? 

Now, how does Dazai’s acknowledgement of his sociopathic tendencies affect him? Let’s begin with Dazai’s past and build from there. In episode 26 (episode one of season three) and in the light novel, Fifteen Years Old, when Dazai is asked why he wants to die, he replies, “Let me ask you, then. Do you think there is any value in the act of living?” Throughout this light novel and the light novel, Dazai Osamu and the Dark Era, Dazai continues to show a pattern of hopelessness. All he longs for is to view the world differently than he already does, but if he cannot achieve that, he would rather die. But I think, as he grows, Dazai’s mindset changes. His desperation for death becomes a joke, something he doesn’t take as seriously anymore. I believe Dazai realized his sociopathy, and while he couldn’t change how he experiences his emotions, he began to think differently. What if Dazai believes that he doesn’t deserve to live, that no one would want him around because of his sociopathic tendencies? But he wants to live. After Odasaku’s death and after he’s experienced the light, he begins to realize that there is something worth living for. He just doesn’t believe he deserves it. I do not have any solid evidence to prove this theory, but it was something interesting that I would want others to consider.

For anyone who has gotten this far, I congratulate you. It must have been difficult to read my scatter-brained thoughts. Before we end this, I would like to clarify something. I am not a medical professional. I do not have a degree in psychology, but I am studying it. Please take that into consideration if you decide to debate my theory with me. For anyone who didn’t feel like reading through this, I won’t even bother with a summary. Trust me, it’s not worth your time. Thank you for reading and thank you to my friend who has put up with my dumb theories. You can message me on Instagram @carromeaway if you would like to discuss my theory or the show in general. Also, ask me any questions in the comments, whether it’s to clarify something or to ask me to analyze another character or to even elaborate further on Dazai’s character. I could talk about this for hours.

Citations:

Antisocial personality disorder. (2019, December 10). Retrieved November 29, 2020, from https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/antisocial-personality-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20353928

Bungo Stray Dogs Wiki. (2020, December 03). Retrieved November 29, 2020, from https://bungostraydogs.fandom.com/wiki/Bungo_Stray_Dogs_Wiki

Duignan, B. (n.d.). What's the Difference Between a Psychopath and a Sociopath? And How Do Both Differ from Narcissists? Retrieved November 29, 2020, from https://www.britannica.com/story/whats-the-difference-between-a-psychopath-and-a-sociopath-and-how-do-both-differ-from-narcissists

Grohol, J. (2020, May 20). Differences Between a Psychopath vs Sociopath. Retrieved November 29, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/blog/differences-between-a-psychopath-vs-sociopath/

Robinson, K. (2014, August 24). What's the Difference Between a Sociopath and a Psychopath? Retrieved November 29, 2020, from https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/features/sociopath-psychopath-difference

[heresathreebee]

Brackish and Briny Waters (two)

[Ralph Lamont X Female Reader]

Summary: Settling into your new house Part 1 Masterlist Part 3

Tags: +17 | 1.7k words | just really fucking domestic stuff, one (1) bad attitude, presumptuous behavior, unprotected morning sex, more remodeling.

AN: I kind of know where I'm going with this. The conflict will be subtle at first but it's there I promise.

The first day goes by fast and for Ralph meeting every single person on staff in this prestigious school was like trying cheeses and wines in a vineyard– fun at first but you get a stomach ache because somebody forgot to tell you not to swallow and there are just so many of them each more rich than the last. By the time he crosses the threshold to his new home, he's exhausted and annoyed. 

"I told you not to unpack without me." 

You look at him from the kitchen and shrug. "I needed stuff, baby. I already wrote a list of things to work on in this 'bare bones' house you put us up in and I was bored." 

You don't care for his attitude but offer him the covered plate anyways. "I saved you some dinner." 

All at once, Ralphie's anger melted from his face. He shuffled his tired feet across the still empty living room and pulled you into his side. The plate was warm (still warm or recently warmed up, he couldn't tell) and his stomach growled. 

"M sorry," he said, "I don't mean to be an asshole." 

You smile your forgiveness. "Long day?" 

"Yes," he hisses. "I already can't wait for the weekend." 

You chuckle. "Oh come on, it can't be that bad. Give it a chance, baby!" 

"As you wish." 

After eating, Ralph is right to sleep despite his insistence you finish packing together tonight. A part of you thinks it's the climate here– fresh sea salt air and less artificial light to disrupt the body's natural sleep patterns. You took off his shoes and empty his pockets because he was just 'resting his eyes for a moment,' then slid in right next to him. He's fine without a blanket, but you pull the back of the quilt over your rear and curl into his side. Sleep comes easier tonight than last night and you dream of wallpaper and wood smoke cologne. 

DAY THREE

The rest of the week gets easier for the both of you. You arrived on Monday and unpack the bigger furniture together by Wednesday with the help of some locals. Ralph is getting to study the lesson plan for Ms. Lewis' math class and establishing a gentle authority with his temporary students. He is still excited for the weekend, intent to help you figure out what to do with the walls of the house. 

"Has anybody come to see you at the house yet?," he asks you Thursday night. 

You pause dicing onions to think. "Besides the neighbors to the north and those Vayle boys? No." 

Ralphie raises his eyebrows and drops them, an involuntary gesture made more for himself than you. 

You put a hand on your hip. "Why?" 

Ralphie waves you off and continues mixing the meat with the spices. "Nothing. It's just everybody and their fucking moms has been asking me about you." 

"What?" This was news to you. "Why?" 

"Because they're nosy," he replies, "asking me about my whole life story and I let slip I had a wife and then they just wouldn't shut up about it." 

You swat his shoulder. "Well don't sound so depressed about it. Do you not like having a wife?" 

"No!" Ralph huffs and turns to look at you as he says, "I just hate that every single one of them bugs me about a million personal things and then I mention you and it's the only thing they can talk about now." 

Ralph turns back to stirring the pan and grumbles to himself, "might tell them to fuck off and just hoard you forever…" 

It clicks in your head at least a bit. Ralph's a born and bred city kid. In the city nobody cares who you are, what you like, or where you're from. Strangers don't want to be anything more than strangers. Their eternal social motto is 'don't waste my time' and anyone who acts differently is probably scheming something. 

You chuckle and rest your chin on his shoulder. "You're forgetting these are a different breed of people. Rich and educated socialites more over but suburban, maybe even rural. We're probably the first new thing to happen to them in decades, and communities like this don't have a 'mind your business and I'll mind mine' attitude." 

Ralphie flicks you a look but you know he knows you're right. It doesn't mean he has to like it but at least he understands it's not malicious, at least not inherently. It's out of his element, a little out of yours too, but you'll have to adapt and play by their rules if you want to stay here for a while. 

The dining room table can seat six, but your Ralphie takes a seat right next to you at a corner so he can hold your hand while you eat. Homemade tacos ease your apprehensions a bit and you go over the remodeling plans with him until midnight. Getting ready to sleep, you wear your thinnest shift and wrap around him like an octopus, your warm core brushing over his barely clothed manhood in temptation. 

Ralphie hums, tucking a stray hair back into your bonnet. "We need to get up early tomorrow." 

It's a weak protest. The two of you keep rocking into each other and sighing at the feeling of friction but eventually fall asleep despite the delightful buzz of sexual energy surrounding you. You do wake up when Ralph flips you under him and sucks a few marks into your neck.

You spread your legs to accommodate his breadth, feeling him settle deliciously and glancing at the bedside clock. It's barely 5 o' clock and the sun is rising. You gasp as you feel Ralphie's cock slide into you and he's met with little resistance. You two have sex for the first time since you moved and it's been so long that the affair is short lived. 

Ralph already has an apology on his lips but you shush him and come a moment later with your fingers brushing your clit in tandem. He peppers you with a dozen more kisses as silent promises to make it up to you. 

You shower together, barely bumping elbows as this bathroom is way bigger than your New York City apartment ever was. You chat idly about the weekend and the town and when you're ready to leave, you grab the manila folder where you store the plans for the remodel. You've even got samples from the wallpaper, only taking the ones you like and want to replace. 

"I know we probably won't find exact replicas but I want to at least find something similar." 

Ralph squeezes your thigh. "Ok, ok. We'll try." 

While this town doesn't have a McDonald's (the town over does and it's fancy for some reason), it does have a Home Depot (also pretty fancy). You know you'll need wood and screws and glass panes to finish that solar room but that's not the goal for today. 

Ralph skips right over the green paint swatch section to the creams. He's rambling about paint brand pros and cons, he did his research on the way in since you were driving and he brought the book from the school library. You follow and half listen. 

"What?" 

Ralph finally catches on to your soft smile. You glance around to make sure no one is in earshot because god forbid these gossipers over hear your conversation right now. 

"I guess I got you pretty excited last night, huh," you say with a sense of pride. Ralph feels the opposite about his performance this morning. 

"I just… I think it's just been a while." He occupies his hands by grabbing every single free swatch sample on the shelf and says, "I promise I will make it up to you." 

You roll your eyes in a not unkind way. "It's fine, babe, really. I uh… it feels kind of good to know I still have that kind of effect on you…" 

Ralphie sports a smile of his own and puts you under his arm. "Of course you do, sugar." 

He leans down to plant a kiss on your lips when you're interrupted by a bright voice. It's so startling that your husband bounces away from you. He stares wide eyed at the woman who interrupted you and he gets that dark look in his eye that only you can see. 

"Jesus, Julie," he tries his best not to growl her name. "This is Julie, she's a teacher at the school. Julie this… is… my wife." 

Julie makes a noise like a whistle. "Oh my god you are so much more beautiful than I imagined! Ralph doesn't have a picture of you in his office!" 

"It's on my desk," he huffs, "it's the one turned towards me." 

"And why would you do that?" 

"...so I can look at it while I work…?" 

Julie's… a little too hands on for just meeting you. You're too reserved to say something about it so you sling a loose arm around her back and hope Ralph doesn't say something for you. 

"Hi Julie, it's nice to finally meet you," you tell her. "Ralph's been slowly but surely introducing me to the concept of his coworkers." 

"I can't believe we haven't met before now! Ralph keeping you all to himself, me and the other teachers are just so curious about you," she coos. It feels almost put on, like overindulging in sweet to play up her first impression. You let it slide though, maybe it's just your city lens. 

"Well, uh, once we've got the house fixed up a bit, we can plan a housewarming party," you suggest. "But not a day before and you may quote me on that, miss!" 

Julie laughed and gave you her phone number 'in case you need anything at all.' Ralph breathed easy once she finally left and you tug his ear gently. "She's veeerry friendly." 

Ralphie shoots you a glare like you'd made a joke he didn't find funny and you go back to debating the paint to use for your walls eagerly.

@escape-your-grape @hoodoo12 @softbeej @go-commander-kim @beetlesstuff @imma-fucking-nerd​ @werwulfy​

[icyymocha]

Being Best Friends With Natasha Romanoff would include....

Warnings: fluff, cussing, and angst if you squint

Word count: 710

Author’s Note****

I just wanted to clarify that I’m admitting to using a translator since I do not know much about Russian and for those who are Russian or know how to speak it, I’m sorry if I got any of the translations wrong. But other than that, enjoy! 💚

Being best friends with Natasha would include you having to learn Russian.

Natasha wouldn’t consider letting you speak English whenever you guys hang out, as she always wants her conversations with you to be secretive and kept between the two of you only

Speaking to her in Russian would be hilarious as you casually talk in front of the avengers

Tormenting Tony, Clint, and Steve whenever you guys get the chance to

“Тони такая сука (Tony is such a bitch)”

Cue Natasha chuckling as you both cast a glance at the three men sitting on the couch

“What did you just say to me?” Tony grumbled annoyed. He would have such a hard time understanding the both of you

“Y/N called you a bitch” Nat smirked as she sips wine

Next thing you know, Tony gets held back by both Steve and Clint as he shouts profanities at the both of you. Both you and Nat laughing your guy’s ass off

Whenever you guys go shopping, she is your number 1 bodyguard. 100%

She will lead you to whichever store you want to check out in the mall, suspiciously looking for any people who might look at you the wrong way. She will not hesitate to fight a bitch when the situation calls for it

You guys are a fashionista

Both of you look like fucking models. Everyone is jealous of the two of you

She would compliment you every time you exchange for another outfit in the dressing rooms, she would have this look in her eyes that tells you that she’s so fucking proud and that she’s your best friend.

Whenever you force, convince her to try on new clothing, she’s already a badass queen but 10000x more if that’s even possible

She would wear full-on black; rip jeans, a black T-shirt, combat boots, sunglasses, chains, and a leather back jacket to match the look.

After y’all are done shopping, you guys head straight to the food court and buy everything

You guys wouldn’t even save leftovers for the others to have when you guys get back at the avengers’ tower.

Being best friends with Natasha also comes with being best friends with Clint, Wanda, Tony, Steve, and Bucky. Even though the five of them are close with Natasha, they are nowhere near close to where you are.

Natasha treats you as if you’re her sister—blood or not, she’s overly protective over you.

Being this close to her would mean lots of hardships and arguments

Throughout Natasha life, she has learned to close off her emotions as it’s opposed to being seen as a weakness to others

She keeps things to herself; she doesn’t like how you’re part of the Avengers, working for the shield, but lets you do it anyway because she wants you to be happy. She doesn’t like how anything could come at you at any given moment and besides her coworkers and the avengers who she calls family, you’re a light to her darkness.

Her best friend. So anything that hurts you, she would feel conflicted and angry at herself for not protecting you any better.

This would usually lead to a fight since on your side, you would’ve been complaining about her being distant towards you and Nat would be like “I’m doing this to protect you!” “I don’t need to be protected, Nat!”

But don’t worry, every fight you guys do. You guys make it up after having a cooldown

Then you guys would eat sushi and lots of junk food, which then makes Steve complain

And then you both flip him off

Making Bucky and Tony laugh at him

You guys are like twin flames; platonically soulmates

You’re like a sister to her and vice versa

You both would do anything to protect the both of you and always a deck of a call away from each other

P.s you both steal each other’s clothes and nat likes to steal your secret candy stash whenever she feels like it

Clint tried to steal it once. Resulting in him getting his ass beat lol

Only Nat can steal your secret candy stash!!

Overall, being best friends with Nat would a 10/10 in my book

[mautlie]

@patroklides​ sent:  ✿ | micaiah+pelleas and hubert+byleth or caspar? 👁  ( prompt. )

FRIENDSHIP.     childhood friends  /  work buddies or coworkers  /  family friends  /  friends with benefits  /  smoking buddies  /  adventure buddies  /  fake friends  /  recently friends  /  party buddies  /  friendship of need  /  dying friendship  /  circumstantial friendship  /  partners in crime  /  old friendship  /  [ your muse ] is the good influence  /  [ your muse ] is the bad influence  /  [ my muse ] is the good influence  /  [ my muse ] is the bad influence  /  opposites attract  /  ride or die  /  frenemies  /  roommates or flatmates  /  penpals  /  exes to friends  /  enemies to friends  /  other .

ROMANCE.     childhood sweethearts  /  [ your muse is mines ] childhood crush  /  [ my muse is yours ] childhood crush  /  exes  /  exes to lovers  /  forbidden lovers  /  highschool sweethearts  /  secret relationship  /  opposites attract  /  long distance  /  unrequited [ from your muses side ]  /  unrequited [ from my muses side ]  /  unrequited [ from both sides ]  /  skinny love  /  friends to lovers  /  enemies to lovers  /  spurious relationship  /  power couple  /  newly entered  /  soulmates [ metaphorical ]  /  soulmates  [ literal ]  /  awkward  /  turning toxic  /  toxic love  /  cheating [ on your muse ]  /  cheating [ with your muse ]  /  other .

FAMILIAL.     siblings [ half ]  /  siblings [ step ]  /  [ my muse ] is an older sibling figure to your younger sibling figure  /  [ my muse ] is a younger sibling figure to your older sibling figure muse  /  [ my muse ] is a parental figure to yours  /  [ my muse ] is a child figure to your muse  /  guardian figure  /  legal guardian  /  adoptive child  /  foster child  /  [ your muse ] is taken under mines wing  /  [ my muse ] is taken under yours wing  /  other .

ANTAGONISTIC.     dangerous to each other  /  dangerous to others  /  unpredictable  /  rivals  /  petty  /  developing into sexual or romantic tension  /  based off family matters  /  based off of circumstance  /  based off professional matters  /  based off misunderstanding or lies  /  conflict of ideology  /  betrayal  /  hero - villain dynamic  /  enemies  /  fight club  /  friends turned enemies  /  lovers turned enemies  /  exes turned enemies  /  other .

FRIENDSHIP.    childhood friends  /  work buddies or coworkers  /  family friends  /  friends with benefits  /  smoking buddies  /  adventure buddies  /  fake friends  /  recently friends  /  party buddies  /  friendship of need  /  dying friendship  /  circumstantial friendship  /  partners in crime  /  old friendship  /  [ your muse ] is the good influence  /  [ your muse ] is the bad influence  /  [ my muse ] is the good influence  /  [ my muse ] is the bad influence  /  opposites attract  /  ride or die  /  frenemies  /  roommates or flatmates  /  penpals  /  exes to friends  /  enemies to friends  /  other .

ROMANCE.     childhood sweethearts  /  [ your muse is mines ] childhood crush  /  [ my muse is yours ] childhood crush  /  exes  /  exes to lovers  /  forbidden lovers  /  highschool sweethearts  /  secret relationship  /  opposites attract  /  long distance  /  unrequited [ from your muses side ]  /  unrequited [ from my muses side ]  /  unrequited [ from both sides ]  /  skinny love  /  friends to lovers  /  enemies to lovers  /  spurious relationship  /  power couple  /  newly entered  /  soulmates [ metaphorical ]  /  soulmates  [ literal ]  /  awkward  /  turning toxic  /  toxic love  /  cheating [ on your muse ]  /  cheating [ with your muse ]  /  other .

FAMILIAL.     siblings [ half ]  /  siblings [ step ]  /  [ my muse ] is an older sibling figure to your younger sibling figure  /  [ my muse ] is a younger sibling figure to your older sibling figure muse  /  [ my muse ] is a parental figure to yours  /  [ my muse ] is a child figure to your muse  /  guardian figure  /  legal guardian  /  adoptive child  /  foster child  /  [ your muse ] is taken under mines wing  /  [ my muse ] is taken under yours wing  /  other .

ANTAGONISTIC.     dangerous to each other  /  dangerous to others  /  unpredictable  /  rivals  /  petty  /  developing into sexual or romantic tension  /  based off family matters  /  based off of circumstance  /  based off professional matters  /  based off misunderstanding or lies  /  conflict of ideology  /  betrayal  /  hero - villain dynamic  /  enemies  /  fight club  /  friends turned enemies  /  lovers turned enemies  /  exes turned enemies  /  other .

FRIENDSHIP.    childhood friends  /  work buddies or coworkers  /  family friends  /  friends with benefits  /  smoking buddies  /  adventure buddies  /  fake friends  /  recently friends  /  party buddies  /  friendship of need  /  dying friendship  /  circumstantial friendship  /  partners in crime  /  old friendship  /  [ your muse ] is the good influence  /  [ your muse ] is the bad influence  /  [ my muse ] is the good influence  /  [ my muse ] is the bad influence  /  opposites attract  /  ride or die  /  frenemies  /  roommates or flatmates  /  penpals  /  exes to friends  /  enemies to friends  /  other .

ROMANCE.     childhood sweethearts  /  [ your muse is mines ] childhood crush  /  [ my muse is yours ] childhood crush  /  exes  /  exes to lovers  /  forbidden lovers  /  highschool sweethearts  /  secret relationship  /  opposites attract  /  long distance  /  unrequited [ from your muses side ]  /  unrequited [ from my muses side ]  /  unrequited [ from both sides ]  /  skinny love  /  friends to lovers  /  enemies to lovers  /  spurious relationship  /  power couple  /  newly entered  /  soulmates [ metaphorical ]  /  soulmates  [ literal ]  /  awkward  /  turning toxic  /  toxic love  /  cheating [ on your muse ]  /  cheating [ with your muse ]  /  other .

FAMILIAL.     siblings [ half ]  /  siblings [ step ]  /  [ my muse ] is an older sibling figure to your younger sibling figure  /  [ my muse ] is a younger sibling figure to your older sibling figure muse  /  [ my muse ] is a parental figure to yours  /  [ my muse ] is a child figure to your muse  /  guardian figure  /  legal guardian  /  adoptive child  /  foster child  /  [ your muse ] is taken under mines wing  /  [ my muse ] is taken under yours wing  /  other .

ANTAGONISTIC.     dangerous to each other  /  dangerous to others  /  unpredictable  /  rivals  /  petty  /  developing into sexual or romantic tension  /  based off family matters  /  based off of circumstance  /  based off professional matters  /  based off misunderstanding or lies  /  conflict of ideology  /  betrayal  /  hero - villain dynamic  /  enemies  /  fight club  /  friends turned enemies  /  lovers turned enemies  /  exes turned enemies  /  other .

MICAIAH + PELLEAS:

when it comes to micaiah and pelleas, i think a lot about them as people who clearly hold one another in high regard but are both unable to navigate socializing with others, creating the tension that might exist between them. i in general tend to write pelleas with an unrequited crush on micaiah, though if you are uncomfortable with that, feel free to let me know and i can play it strictly platonically!

but yeah! i think a lot about how pelleas wants to be closer to micaiah due to how she reads him so well and seems to understand him truly, but palace life post-part i and the gifts of excess that he gives her canonically seem to make her uncomfortable, so she doesn’t spend much time in the palace leaving pelleas lonely but understanding that he can’t stop her. they both yearn for the same things, but their professional relationship of a liege lord + a retainer keeps things stifled. 

the reason i put penpals is because i think it could be sweet if pelleas tries to get over his inability to speak well by first using writing to help his dialogue, and well, it’d be his way of getting to reach out to micaiah without feeling like he’s inconveniencing her. i could see that being either midgame OR postgame!

a lot of the romance category is up in the air and probably would require more plotting, and so i don’t want to say too much if you’re not comfortable with it, but a lot of what i said in the prior paragraphs applies here too. >_0b

HUBERT + BYLETH:

highly variable depending upon what route byleth takes, and i’ll admit my three houses muses are my newer ones, so i have less thoughts on them so far, but!! i think it could be interesting to explore these two for sure!

given edelgard’s interest in byleth, i imagine then that hubert would be keeping an eye on byleth in the interest of his liege lord. for hubert, someone who has lived a very intense life rife with political drama and trauma and having to navigate it for the sake of his goals which he holds dear, it’s a wild contrast to byleth who has lived this world very sheltered ( though still obviously not innocent given his mercenary background ) and is unaware of many of what goes on underneath fódlan’s nobility. byleth also hasn’t figured out what his goals are exactly, what’s worth fighting for, what his identity is, etc. ... the exact opposite of hubert who would do anything for his ambitions and knows his role as edelgard’s shadow very well.

i just am in general weak for playing off these types of contrasts / foils, and i think it could work really well either with them as allies ( and thus byleth begins to learn to understand hubert as time goes on ) or be played tragically with them as enemies ( for hubert who has everything to strive for, losing at the hand of byleth who has nothing in mind... Spicie... )

HUBERT + CASPAR:

i vaguely recall liking their supports, but i think they’re another fun duo to potentially explore! hubert, the man who fights as edelgard’s shadow. caspar, the guy who fights loudly and boldly meanwhile on the front lines. they seem as different as night and day, but they’re still on the same side.

i think i’m most interested in them post-white clouds, potentially exploring that period of time where byleth isn’t awake? there’s a lot that changes in adrestia at that time, and hubert and caspar are both growing into their roles. i think someone as emotionally intelligent as caspar could be interesting to challenge hubert when need be but is still someone that’s supporting him. a good potential growth from classmates as foretold by lineage to instead a real bond.

caspar exchanging letters with hubert to report on happenings around the continent, talking with him when he stops by in between missions for edelgard, etc. ofc i’m also down for potential betrayals / them on different sides of the war too!

the stuff with childhood / family friends is mostly to signal my being open to exploring how their houses might’ve interacted pregame. i think it’s reasonable for them to maybe have come across one another once or twice as children, especially given their fathers’ roles in the empire.

[moonknightly]

Mistakes and Sour Grapes : Modern!Poe Dameron x Reader (Two)

Word Count: 2.5k

Excerpt: “It felt fucking perfect, he felt fucking perfect. But he was also your boss, and you both had been drinking. You didn’t know about him, but you definitely had a nice little buzz going. It wasn’t right.”

Warnings: Alcohol, I swore again.

[SERIES MASTERLIST]

Training with Finn was an absolute breeze. It didn’t take much, really, given how much of your free time had been spent up there. You were familiar with both the drink and dinner menu, and you knew where most things behind the bar could be found. Your biggest challenge was learning how to use the POS system, and even that came easy enough.

Monday night he had you watch for the most part, and after last call, he spent over an hour showing you step by step how to make the brewery’s signature cocktails. You had always been fast when it came to making drinks, something that you hadn’t exactly realized until Poe wandered down from upstairs, doublechecking that you had never bartended before. He had been impressed, and so had Finn, and that night when the three of you found yourselves the only ones left in the building again, you celebrated with more shots.

Tuesday, Finn did most of the watching. Same for Wednesday. Thursday was the first night you had the bar to yourself, and it went so smoothly, even you were impressed with yourself.

That had been a few weeks ago now, and you were only improving. It came so naturally, you thought you might be able to make a White Russian and recite the dinner specials in your sleep.

Working with Finn proved to be as fun as he had promised. He was enjoying being out in the beer garden, and on busier nights, inside with you.

You didn’t see Poe very often. He usually arrived before you, staying upstairs for most of the night, letting the managers do their jobs and supervise, and the nights he did leave before you, he would simply nod and give you a small smile.

He kind of kept to himself, you noticed, and while part of you wanted to get to know him, become closer with him, the other half of you appreciated his reclusive behavior. He was your boss, and there was no way for you to deny the fact that you found him extremely attractive. Spending more time with him would only complicate things, if only for yourself.

You couldn’t like him. A man like that would never return your affections.

You shook your head, as if the action would clear the thoughts from your mind. You refused to give into self pity, especially when you were on the clock.

It was a Saturday night, and while the dinner rush was over, the bar was still busy, only a couple of seats open, a few people standing off to the side, seeking to take advantage of the city’s open container policy.

Finn had been there earlier in the night to help with the steady flow of customers, but he’d been called outside after your coworker tending the beer garden had to leave for the night. You had been good at keeping a steady pace, getting drinks and putting in orders quickly and efficiently, but it didn’t seem to be slowing down. Not that you exactly minded, it kept you busy. Kept the wallowing and the want from bubbling up deep in the pit of your stomach.

But then you turned and came face to face with the source of that desire, only stopping for a second as you looked him over, leaning against the bar with his arms folded across his chest and a look on his face that you couldn’t quite place. Something close to uncomfortable, maybe just a tad nervous? You didn’t know, didn’t have time to figure it out. You smiled at him quickly, glancing down towards Bee who was standing attentively at his side in her orange vest. She was working, but so were you. Neither of you had the time for a quick scratch behind the ears.

“You doing okay?” you asked, turning your attention back to the selection of alcohol in front of you. You hesitated, for just a second, trying to remember which vodka your customer had requested. Tito’s? Grey Goose? You went with Tito’s.

Poe hummed, and you missed the way his eyes scanned the crowded bar before settling back on you, watching you work on a Bloody Mary. “Figured I’d come and help you.”

“You don’t have to.” You still didn’t look up.

He was already moving to wash his hands, his beloved dog following him closely — the two always in sync. “Tell me who you need me to grab.”

You glanced towards him, shaker in your hand as you finished the drink, pouring it into a glass and garnishing it before delivering it to the customer. “If you wanna take the to-go orders?”

“On it,” he said, nudging your hip with his as you passed.

The two of you worked quietly, and together, you quickly brought the bar back down from its hectic state to something that one person could easily manage, but even then, Poe didn’t sneak back upstairs. He stayed, taking over one side of the bar while you worked the other, the two of you brushing hands every now and again when you would reach for the same bottle or pass a glass off.

Even after last call, he stayed with you, helping you clean and tend to your closing duties until you were the only two left in the building — Finn had snuck out after shooting you a quick thumbs up that had you blushing.

You still didn’t talk much, only making a small comment here or there, but he seemed a lot more relaxed than he had been earlier in the night, when the bar was still busy.

Poe sighed, stretching his arms above his head before rounding the bar and finding a stool to plop into. He had let Bee out of her vest, and she had almost immediately taken off, presumably to find somewhere warm to curl up and take a nap.

You finally allowed yourself a second to relax, taking a sip from your water, running a hand through your hair, a soft sigh leaving your lips. Your feet were starting to ache — something you never realized until you finally slowed down for the night.

“Come sit,” Poe said, scooting out the seat beside him as if he could read your mind. “Don’t worry about clocking out yet.”

You didn’t hesitate to take him up on his offer.

His eyes followed your form as you took your seat, taking another long sip from your water, hoping your hair was in your face enough to cover how your face flushed. Maybe you could blame it on your constant movement rather than the fact that he was making you nervous.

“You’re doing really well,” he said after a moment or two spent in silence. “I’m impressed.”

You smiled gently, glancing towards him for only a second before turning your attention back to the bottle in your hand. “I work well under pressure.”

If you had been actually looking at him, you would’ve noticed the way he shifted in his seat, and the way he bit his bottom lip, not being able to stop his mind wandering towards another possible implication of your words.

“Good,” he mumbled, clearing his throat. “That’s good.”

More silence — not exactly comfortable, not exactly awkward. Just silence.

You were the first to break it again.

“How long have you owned the brewery?”

“Only like, three years now,” Poe shrugged. “Bought it when the last owner didn’t want it anymore. Got it for a fuckin’ steal.”

“What’d you do before this?”

He opened his mouth to answer, but hesitated for just a split second, looking almost conflicted with himself. “I was in the military,” he said finally, shrugging again.

Both his tone and his facial expression made it obvious that he didn’t want to talk about it, so you didn’t push it further. You quickly searched for something, anything else to talk about. You turned towards him.

“Did you like, have a dream of owning a bar or did it just kind of happen?”

He looked thankful for the change of subject, his shoulders relaxing just a fraction as some of the tension left his body.

“I just kind of saw the opportunity and jumped on it,” he explained, turning in his own seat to better face you. “I used to hang up here like you did, got to know the old owner and shit. I think he cut me a deal when he sold it to me, honestly. Knew I’d take care of the place.”

“I’d say you’d make him pretty damn proud.”

He smiled gently, nudging your knee with his, just once.

“What about you?” he asked after a couple of seconds. “Any dreams?”

“I’m still trying to figure out what I wanna do,” you admitted, looking almost a little sheepish. “I tried a couple of things out in college and just...none of them fit, y’know?”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

His face was sincere, eyes regarding you carefully, and for once, you didn’t feel embarrassed to admit that you had dropped out of college. That you had no idea what you wanted to do in the long run. It made you smile.

“Thanks,” you mumbled, nudging him gently.

He only smiled, nodding his head once before sighing, his hands hitting the counter as he stood. “Wanna take a couple of shots with me?”

You quirked an eyebrow, a soft chuckle falling from your lips. “You take shots with all of your employees often?”

“Nope.”

He was already heading back behind the bar, snagging two shot glasses before setting to work. You watched him quietly, your gaze fluttering between his hands and his face, thankful that he seemed to be oblivious to your blatant staring.

He was quick, and in just a few seconds you had a bright blue shot being pushed towards you.

“Blue kamikaze?”

“Absolutely,” he chuckled, holding his glass out to you.

You knocked yours against his before you both took your shots, wiping at a stray drop that dribbled down your chin. You sucked it off your finger afterwards, and now Poe was the one blatantly staring, and you caught him, your cheeks turning warm as heat flooded your skin.

He didn’t look ashamed in the least, simply grabbing a few bottles and making his way back to his seat, starting on a second round.

A second turned into a third, and a third into a fourth.

And pretty soon, the two of you were giggling together, talking about anything that came to mind, seats huddled closer together. Did his hand brush against your thigh? You couldn’t tell. You were too busy staring at his face again.

“Is the building really haunted?” you asked through a small laugh, tilting your head to the side.

He hummed, nodding his head. “I didn’t believe in that sort of thing until I bought the place. Being upstairs by myself is fucking creepy, and I hate the basement. I dunno how Bee sleeps down there.”

“I’ll admit, I’ve watched all of the stupid ghost shows and shit,” you chuckled, biting on your bottom lip.

“Oh, so you’re into that kind of stuff?”

You nodded, swiveling gently in your chair, still gnawing on your lip. Poe looked at you closely, tilting his head to the side as he seemed to be considering something for just a moment or two.

“Did you wanna walk around with me?”

Of course you fucking wanted to walk around with him, but you hummed, pretending to think about it for a moment or two. “Are you gonna let me hold your hand if I get scared?” You blamed your new boost in confidence on the alcohol swirling through your veins.

He snorted. “I might grab your hand first.”

“Then duh.”

You both stood, only a little wobbly on your legs, making your way upstairs first, letting him lead but staying close behind.

His office was on the second floor, but other than that, nothing else had been touched. The third and fourth floor were completely unrenovated, and he was absolutely right — it was very creepy. He quietly told you the history of the building, how it had once been the only hotel in the city, and later a makeshift hospital during the Yellow Fever epidemic. He went on to share the different stories he had acquired during his time there as you moved through the different floors, and you were sure you could have listened to him talk for hours. His tone was passionate, and it was obvious in how he spoke with his hands that he was actually interested in sharing this with you. His voice was almost enchanting.

You saved the basement for last, scratching Bee behind her ears once you both reached the bottom of the stairs where she was fast asleep. Unlike the upper levels, it had been renovated into a space that could be booked for private events. You’d been down there before plenty, had tended to the bar during one of those said events just a few days before, but it still sent a shiver down your spine as you walked around, continuing to listen to Poe talk.

He stopped by the bar, leaning up against it, a playful yet mischievous smile on his lips. “Is the offer to hold your hand still on the table?”

You felt heat rise to your cheeks, and you started to gnaw on your bottom lip again before extending your hand out towards him, letting him take it. You were unprepared for him to tug on it, causing you to crash into his chest, your free hand shooting out to brace yourself against his body. Poe quirked an eyebrow.

“Is this okay?”

You had to think about it. Actually had to think about it.

It felt fucking perfect, he felt fucking perfect. But he was also your boss, and you both had been drinking. You didn’t know about him, but you definitely had a nice little buzz going. It wasn’t right. Even if you were sober, it wouldn’t be right.

But that buzz was probably the reason you nodded your head, your eyes flickering from his eyes to his lips.

“Good.”

Poe flipped your positions suddenly, pinning you up against the bar with his hips flush against yours, trapping you between his arms, his lips dangerously close to yours.

You wanted them closer, wanted him closer.

“You can do more than hold my hand. If you want.”

He chuckled lowly, his eyes full of amusement as he let them trace as far down your body as he could given the position before finding yours again, his head tilting to the side. “That was sort of my plan.”

And as the last word left his mouth, you got what you wanted.

His lips were so close they were touching yours, kissing yours.

And you kissed him back.

[lokidrabbles]

Bitter-sweetness (Loki x Reader)

Loki comes to visit the reader after they send out a drunk text

A/N: Another part of my Loki x Reader Winter Series! This is also an AU after Ragnarok where the Asgardians have settled on Earth. As always, Gender Neutral Reader! Warnings: Language, Alcohol Use, Angst, Implied smut

You considered yourself to be a responsible person to a certain degree. In fact, you prided in your ability to make rational decisions about your day to day adult musings. Yet here you were, alone in your home, a whole bottle of red wine downed, complete inhibited from making sure you didn’t make a terrible decision.

This was your first holiday away from home. Living in the big apple had its perk, especially since you managed to land a job working at Stark Industries but living alone, while your closest relative lived three states away was not as glamorous as the shows made it out to be. You swore you would be able to handle it, after all, this had been quite a successful year for you career wise. And yet, the horrible emptiness expanded the moment you finished speaking with your sibling over the phone.

Reality hit. You were here alone, and that was just scratching the surface of it all. You had gotten along well with your co-workers and the supers you would run into often but it wasn’t the same. There was no way you would budge and plea for them to spend this ‘merry’ time with you, humiliating. And so, while not the healthiest of coping skills, you drowned your depression away with a little lady known as Lambrusco.

Being a lightweight, the red wine quickly put you in an inebriated state, fixated on feeling sorry for yourself and the impeccable loneliness.  You cried, you laughed, and you sang depressing melodies in effort to bring your spirits up, but to no avail. You eventually ended up surfing on social media through your phone, twisting your mouth at the cloy pictures of families and friends celebrating together in their homes. What a bunch of bullshit. You resisted the temptation to instant message your old friends, knowing it would just be filled with a myriad of cuss words.

Your mind then wandered on texting your co-workers, clinging onto a childish hope of maybe one of them coming to your rescue and joining you in drinks and sobs. You flipped through your contact list and came across your most recently added. It was a 5 digit number, but that wasn’t weird for you. Tony would often have these weirdly set up numbers for some of the team members to maintain contact without having calls traced by ill intending foes, and you ended up with some of them through exchanges and other occasions. You weren’t really sure how it worked, but it was kind of like a trading card game you had with your co-workers. Obtain Thor’s number, Caps’ number, Dr. Banner’s number, Romanov’s number. It was stupid but it passed the time.

You squinted your eyes, attempting to decipher which Avenger’s number this was. However with the room spinning and your happy-go-lucky state, you didn’t bother to figure out who it was, and you began to text the unknown number with the best of your ability.

Helloo,,,,this is (y/n) and....comeover I have fun stuff to do...:) :) :)

Perfect. And with much gusto, you tapped on that send button, throwing your phone casually on the side of your couch. It wasn’t like you really expected anyone to answer or to come over, and it wasn’t like you really cared at the moment. Without any hesitation, you reached for the wine bottled and took a last swig, with only drops remaining of the sweet warm nectar. You felt the relief in your throat and closed your eyes, slowly drifting into a quick nap, completely disheveled on your couch.

Not ten minutes would pass before you heard a loud and obnoxious pounding on your door. The loud rapping sent you flying off your couch and in a frenzy. You cleared your throat and scurried over to your front door.

“I’m going, I’m going!” You yelled, not having a moment to sort  out what was actually happening. But the room continued to spin, and you figured you were still heavily drunk.

You undid your locks and open the door wide open, only to be greeted by the cold winter wind and the last person you had expected at the moment.

“What in the seven realms are you trying to prove here?” It was Loki, standing tall and menacing over you. He held a small cellular phone between his thumb and index finger, showing you the drunk text you had sent him.

It was Loki’s number. You had completely forgotten that your coworker had given you the number after laughing about Tony giving Loki a method of communication and how Loki was entirely clueless on how to use the device or what it’s purpose even was. Your coworker had a know in with the security manager who programmed Loki’s phone and got his contact number through suggestive means. Again, part of the stupid little game, and you had mindlessly added the number onto your contacts.

Fuck. You guessed he had figured out how to use it.

“Ah, shit.” You sputtered casually. “I didn’t think anyone would have come!”

He raised an eyebrow, looking at you incredulously. “You’re wobbling.”

Wobbling. Loki’s accent was distracting enough most of the time. But hearing him say a silly world like wobbling sent you in a laughing spree. It was uncontrollable laughter, where the more you stared at him the funnier it would become. It was apparent that Loki didn’t find this funny in the slightest.

“Wobbling, pfft. Woooosh.” You retorted, making fluttering movements with your fingers.

“Wait.” He began, his mind beginning to calculate and process. And finally it hit him. “You’re drunk. Are you foolish or just this stupid?”

“Both maybe.”

Loki groaned, shoving you inside your living room and closing the door behind him. Immediately he began to smell the heavy scent of alcohol coming from you, as well as quickly taking notice of the empty wine bottle and wine juices leaked on your coffee table. Also you wouldn’t stop laughing, continuing to giggle until you fell backwards onto you couch.

Loki narrowed his eyes at you. “Having a good time here? I see you’ve laid waste to that wine bottle.”

“Oh yeah.” You responded proudly, throwing your arms up in the air. “Nothing else to do here, but to see just how much I can drink till I stop making sense. Which is...now!”

“Really now?” He responded sardonically. “You look like an absolute mess.”

“Screw you.” You dejected at him knowing full well that wouldn’t offend him in the slightest. “Why are you even here if you’re just gonna be like this.”

“Would you rather I leave then?” His arms were crossed over his chest now, long legs and feet firmly planted on the ground. He looked very intimidating, but perhaps because of your state, he also looked extremely masculine and handsome. You never noticed how broad his shoulders actually were, or how defined his jawline was. You imagined being held in those strong arms and hummed pleasantly.

“No, I like you being here.” You said in a sing song manner, swinging your head back and forth.

“Are you sure that’s not the alcohol talking for you? I wouldn’t imagine you meant to send that message directly to me.”

Loki took a seat across from you on the couch, continuing to shoot you looks of improvement, but concern as well. You continued to fixate on his looks despite this, suddenly wanting to see how his skin would feel on your hands.

“It wasn’t really meant for anyone. But I actually feel a lot better knowing it was you.” Even through your mashed up words, this was actually true. If it was Tony or a coworker or, lord forbid, anyone of the Avengers receiving this and coming over to lecture you about your substance use, your humiliation would have no bounds. There was still a sense of a professional relationship to maintain with them and if those boundaries were broken, maybe that would mean your job as well.

However, the moment you saw Loki standing at your door, you worry had instantly vanished. It was funny, but Loki was the only person who you could be yourself with. There wasn’t any authoritative nature to him, and you felt you didn’t need to prove anything while he was in your vicinity. He was just as lost as you were during this year in dealing with Stark Industries and the team. Also you both had bonded a bit with having a natural disdain for large crowds and ‘stupid’ people in general. You weren’t proud to be shit talking about others, but it made some work days bearable for you.

“Perhaps this is the moment where I as why you’ve drunk an entire bottle of red wine on your own. Even I can tell your natural tolerance isn’t very good.” Loki said, motioning for you to begin describing whatever had tormented you for this evening.

You sputtered again. “It’s stupid. I didn’t even mean to drink the whole thing. It just happened. Stupid bottle.” You really didn’t want to talk about, fearing how much control you would lose. You couldn’t put Loki in an awkward position, with you bawling over the fact that you miss your family or that you feel completely alone in such a large city. You knew Loki’s situation, you knew how much conflict he had experienced during the past year, what with settling down on Earth after Asgard was destroyed. Your human woes paled in comparison to what both him and Thor had encountered, why minimize that?

“Are you not comfortable with discussing this with me?” He asked, his voice firm. There was no malice in it but some sense of ease.

You shook your head. “I am sooo comfortable with you. I’m just not really comfortable with myself.”

“I’m not sure what you mean by that.” He continued, but you remained quiet mostly because you began to feel sick. “But I do know, even in Asgard, we drank for both our victories and for our losses.”

You pondered on this for a bit and then sniggered. “I suppose a loss for myself. Because lord knows no one wants to be around me.” Here we go. You were beginning to be dramatic once more, drowning in your melancholy. “But noooo I have a lot of friends and people who like me right? Because that’s what everyone expects right? For me to be content with everything?”

Loki remained quiet but not for a loss at words, but simply because he knew listening would be the best way to tackle this situation. His body language changed and he turned his body to face you, full attention and focus. But of course, you were far too deep in your downward spiral to have noticed.

“I’m supposed to be this independent, responsible adult who knows what they want or want to do.” You continued, your voice beginning to break. “But I still feel lost. And stupid. And wobbly.” You sniggered again, not being able to hold back to stupidity of the word.

Loki rolled his eyes. “I don’t know why humans always enjoy over complicating their own personal matters when the solution is staring them right at the face.”

You stopped giggling and furrowed your brows. “How am I over complicating things? I feel like shit because it’s been a whole year of me living in this city and I haven’t made one single valuable connection with anyone. Don’t be telling me that is an easy thing to solve.”

It was as if you had completely forgotten you were still tipsy.

“You do realize you could have just contacted me.” His words seemed to have echoed across your living room, sending a strong pang of guilt into your chest.

“What are you talking about?” You words meshed with one another, unable to articulate your frustration.

Loki pinched the bridge of his nose in annoyance. “I really do have to hold your hand for everything don’t I? As long as I am here in this forsaken city working for that piece of human garbage that is Stark, you don’t have to spend your evenings alone.”

You blink in total bewilderment, not really buying into his intentions or his words. “Don’t do that. Don’t just do that because you feel sorry for my pathetic ass.”

“Are you daft?” Loki responded with an elevated voice.  “What indication of pity have I presented for you? What you need to realize is you have absolutely no reason to have this display of misery if companionship is what you seek.”

Your eyes widened as your focused in on the details of his face. Even though he had become quite angered by your stubbornness, he continued to be beautiful and ridiculously attractive to you. A strand of his dark locks fell over his face, making him even more desirable than you could have imagined. His piercing blue-green eyes were just as captivating as the last time you saw them. What would you have sacrificed for the opportunity to absolutely melt into him? To take in his scent or his heat. Maybe to even dig your face into the crook of his neck, providing you with much security.

Evidently your body began to move on its own as you leaned forwards to him, plopping yourself ungainly between his arms and his chest. Loki instinctively pulled backwards only causing you to fall further onto him until you were completely laid down upon his chest. He kept his arms slightly above you, unsure whether you’d be fine with him placing them on your back or on your waist. You sighed contently, nuzzling your face and fists into his chest. He was very warm, and you could hear the thumping of a heart deep within him.

“This...is not the best position to be in.” He said, a minute after laying there awkwardly with you.

“Heeey Loki.” You began, some mischief in your tone. “Let’s do it.”

You swore you heard him gulp heavily. “No. Especially with your inebriated state.”

You chuckled, your best attempt at being sly. “I’m sorry I didn’t think about you at first. I guess it didn’t cross my mind that you’d want to do anything with me.”

You finally felt his hands gently rest on your back, fully trusting of your total comfort with him.

“I’m going to reveal something to you but I don’t want you to tell anyone else. This is solely for your ears.” He began, piquing at you interest.

You plopped your head upwards to have a better look at him. “Oh?”

“I don’t come to New York solely for Stark. In fact, he’s become quite disdainful of me as you know. I go out of my way to come here because of you.”

An uncontrollable smile formed over your face. But again, that could have been the alcohol.

“You’re a foolish human. But...you are my foolish human. And you don’t need to be alone as long as I am here. I know how much this time of the year means for you, and I wouldn’t want to see you like this again.”

Before he could continue, you lifted your upper body to plant a much desired kiss on Loki’s lips. You didn’t care if you still reeked of cheap wine or if it was an impulse of your needs, but you deeply desired to still feel him skin on yours. You became even more eager once you felt him return your kiss, aggressively and longingly. His lips were so soft and tasteful and you pleaded mentally for him to explore your tongue with his. You pulled back briefly, your eyes watery and full of drunken bliss.

“I love you so much.” You said without much thought or meaning. You knew you didn’t fully convey those emotions yet, but the timing felt right.

He stared at you with his mouth slightly agape, his eyes also full of bliss and desire. “Don’t say that just yet. But I do too.”

The remainder of the evening was spent quietly as Loki adjusted himself to a much more comfortable position where he could fully encircle his arms around your frame. You melted into him, greedily closing your eyes and drifting away into a peaceful slumber inside his hold. You continued to be lulled by the thumping on his chest, your own matching his in full connection.

[readytoclimbtothestars]

Mad Men, or On The Nature of the Deepest Conflict

One of the most revelatory lines on the show is said by a character that was relatively short lived. In the second episode of season 4, Dr Faye Miller tells Don that they both are in the same business, the business of helping people sort out their deepest conflict. When Don asks what that is, she answers “In a nutshell, it all comes down to what I want versus what is expected of me”. As Matthew Weiner, the creator and showrunner, pointed out, advertising does not make you want to do anything, it reminds you to do what you already want to do, that maybe got lost as you did what was expected of you. We see these people, whose job is to remind the public of what they want, as they struggle with the acknowledgment of their own wants and desires, and if and how it is possible to attain them. 

In Don’s case, the irony of his tragedy is that the cage of what is expected of him is one that he created for himself: that of being Don Draper. The suave, charming creative genius with the beautiful wife and the adorable children, and all that comes with it, is something that we see him struggle with constantly. He chose to go down that road, to erase Dick Whitman, and yet at the same time we repeatedly see that he didn’t really leave him behind. Time and time again in the later seasons we hear him voice the idea that nobody really knows him, and thus nobody really loves him. One of the deepest connections he has is with Anna Draper; the comfort he can take in her saying that she knows everything about him, and still loves him, is a comfort nobody else can give him, especially not his wife. He saw that, as soon as Betty learned who he really was, she didn’t want to have anything else to do with him, as he says to Anna. She maybe once loved Don, but she would never love Dick. So, when Anna dies, Don tells Peggy that the only one who ever really knew him died. The deep want of being truly known, and thus truly loved is something that he can never really acknowledge, as it would make the paper castle he built crumble to the ground; so he buries it under the desire for women, alcohol, cigarettes, excesses that are obviously never enough. Tormented by this conflict, he continues to self-destruct up until the point when he hears a stranger voice the same preoccupation of being truly invisible.  He embraces him, apparently feeling a communion he never knew before. Maybe he finally find the freedom to want what he wants and let go of what is expected of Don Draper, the brilliant creative director. 

Pete Campbell, the privileged Wasp, has already defied the expectations of what is expected of him by going into advertising and not into banking. The idea of what is expected of him, or at least what he thinks is expected of him, contribute to his constant unhappiness and impatience, always feeling he’s not being given what he is due. For the first two season, we might say that he feels Trudy is what is expected of him, and Peggy is what he wants. The scene where he describes how he would go hunting, and then let his woman cook what he killed, is the expression of all the desires he feels he is denied, exactly because of what is expected of him. When Beth Dawes asks him what is wrong with him (even though the woman who asks him has just had electro-shock therapy and she thinks he is talking about a friend), he says that after their affair he realized everything he already had was not right. He did what was expected of him and didn’t get anything that he wanted, and now he doesn’t even know what he would want, if he could. His constant struggle with his dissatisfaction can only be resolved when he realizes that there doesn’t have to be a struggle at all. He married Trudy because it was expected of him, but in the end, he realizes that what is expected of him and what he wants don’t necessarily have to be separated. Trudy loved him when he wasn’t all that loveable, and she stood by his side, even when they weren’t married anymore. He always felt that his coworker both wanted and expected him to fail, but in the end he finally gets the recognition he wanted, with the offer of an new job. He stops obsessing over what is expected of him and what is owed to him, and realizes that he can have what he wants, that he is “entitled to more”, as he says to Trudy when he wins her back.

Peggy Olson always went against the idea of what was expected of her. In the first season she is expected to be attractive for the man in the office, and she gets fat (even though there’s also another reason for that). Constantly defying expectations, her journey to establishing herself in the workplace takes her through all the season, and its conclusion with Stan’s declaration and his kiss is not a symbol of returning to what is expected of her, but of getting all that she wanted in the order she wanted it in. Having gone through some pretty traumatic experiences, such as giving away her child, she still is one of the characters with one of the most positive arcs and best endings. She was probably the boldest of them all in declaring what she wanted instead of what was expected of her, and she was rewarded for it in the end. Her relationship with Don was one of the purest things on that show, and it’s not a case that in the end she has a satisfying ending with all of the main characters, be it skating through an empty office as Roger Sterling plays the piano, receiving a cactus and a well-deserved acknowledgment from Pete Campbell, a job proposition from Joan, or one of the three final phone calls from Don. Peggy saw what was expected of her, was not satisfied with it, and went after what she wanted instead. 

Roger Sterling, the rich man who never had to work for anything, didn’t have any expectations to live up to. Nobody expected anything of him, and that can be as damaging as too many expectations. Nobody takes him seriously, not his coworkers, not his wives, not even his daughter, constantly disappointed by him. And he doesn’t either, sailing through life feeling that the less is expected of him, the less he has to offer (except for drinks and witty remarks), and the less he knows what he wants. He seemed to be imprisoned by the lack of expectations just as much as other characters are imprisoned by the abundance of them. In the end, it seems that it took more than 60 years, and meeting the age-appropriate Marie Calvet, to find someone that expected something from him that was not his money nor his wit, and to realise that he could, and he did, want to live up to the expectations.

Joan Holloway knows what is expected of her, and she knows how to use it to her advantage. She needs to be attractive for the men in the office, and she needs to find a man, get married and stop working. As the series goes on, she starts to consciously realise that the expectations do not correspond to her wants. The idea of the perfect marriage is shattered by Greg, and she starts to concentrate on the career she might have, probably (even though she wouldn’t say it out loud) inspired by Peggy’s trajectory, and how this secretary from nowhere refused to listen to Joan’s wisdom and made her own way in a men’s world. So she starts to make her own way too, fighting against the obstacles of what is expected of a woman like her. By the end, she is so far from who she was at the beginning, that she doesn’t hesitate long before choosing her new career over Richard, in a final acknowledgment of the distance between the position she is expected to be in and the position she wants, because, as she tells Richard “she can’t just turn off that part of herself” anymore.

Betty Draper is the rarity among these characters; the one who did all that was expected of her, and the one that arguably got the worst ending. Her mother taught her that what was expected of her was being beautiful, and she was. Yet, with all her beauty, her perfect life with the perfect husband and the sweet children, she is profoundly unhappy. In season 5, when she fails to meet the only expectation anybody has ever had of her, she can’t bear to have even her husband look at her. She spends a life trying to be beautiful and proper, and she is still trying at the end, as her letter to her only daughter details the instructions for the perfect funeral, the funeral someone of her standing is supposed to have. She lived with the profound unhappiness of knowing she was never meant to be more than an ornament on a man's arm, but always refused to acknowledge it, because she knew no other way of being than being what other expected.  

In one interview, Matthew Weiner describes advertising people as “The mirror makers”, referring to the title of a book on advertising. All of these characters, busy as they were making mirrors for the public, didn’t realise they were building mirrors for themselves, and so many of them that they couldn’t find the one that reflected their real image anymore, and what that real image wanted.

[meggannn]

thank god im not the only other asian girl who came to realize how weirdly orientalist atla/lok is.

i hope you don’t mind me using this ask as a springboard to get some of my thoughts down (i edited this once and that fucked up the read more, so i tried several times to put this behind a cut again but tumblr hates me so i guess now everyone has to read my beef ¯\_(ツ)_/¯)

my friend said last night that ATLA is like the new harry potter with the way people talk about it and..... yknow she’s not entirely wrong.....

like, not to keep pulling this card, but ~as a half-asian~, i have been struggling with this show a lot over the past few months; before even the show came to netflix, i was seeing a resurgence of ATLA stan culture. the hype of the live-action series and the release of the kyoshi novels have also amplified this. i reblog posts because i do still enjoy it, but i have been abstaining from reblogging commentary that so obviously glorifies it.

part of this burst-bubble effect is my problem, because i strongly dislike how people talk about certain characters and ships (and i admit that frustration is seeping through what ATLA did right) and observing fandom favorites makes me think that a lot of points were missed: people love toph, but hate korra (even people who think they love korra only because she’s one half of korrasami, actually do hate korra lmfao); people love zuko but completely ignore aang; don’t get me started on the fandom’s embracing of korrasami/subsequent forgiving of the patronizing, disrespectful, borderline racist way bryke did it. that is fan behavior, and it all bothers me and is no doubt coloring my judgment of the actual show, but beyond that, i also do want people to realize and accept “wait a minute, plenty of the things we criticize other media for also exist in ATLA, and it shouldn’t be different just because this show is full of asians.”

part of me wants to — and does — celebrate that a pan-asian show, in which NO white characters and NO trace of western culture exists, was a critical and commercial success in 2005! and had full network support and resonated with kids of different backgrounds. i can appreciate and be happy of that. but “no western culture” doesn’t mean “no western influence”: it’s an asian fantasy world created by non-asians, so the staff still ultimately wrote a pretty western story. the treatment of the fire lord imperialist dynasty is the big one (iroh was a war criminal who only left the warfront because his actions affected him/his family but now he’s a old friendly Good Guy and never acknowledges the lives he’s ruined! everything is ok now that zuko is fire lord! not like his new friends will have any direct trauma or conflicting feelings with how he is now heading a nation that burned two out of three of their homelands to the ground and tried to burn the third too! now here are all our headcanons about katara/sokka being fire lord/lady, toph being a fire lord advisor, and aang being an air nation rep to the fire nation! perfect ending!!), but also the themes of a pretty straightforward good kids v evil conqueror story, watered-down concepts of buddhism/taoism/others for child consumption — some of these are not strictly bad things, but they don’t make it the best story in the world. they are not worth saying “stop watching x problematic cartoon, watch ATLA, the BEST cartoon with the BEST diversity!!!!”

side note, my friend looked it up last night and there was a total of one asian writer on the staff, May Chan, who according to wiki, just wrote the Boiling Rock episodes. (at this juncture i want to keep in mind that someone in the writer’s or developer’s room might be in my situation, possibly mixed race but white-passing in both face and name... it’d be hypocritical of me to not consider that possibility, but as far as i know that’s not the case, and in any respect i think it’s important to have visible diversity, not because i think mixed people don’t have anything to say or shouldn’t be counted, but in the sense that poc who don’t get the luxury of being white-passing should be allowed control of depicting people who look like them. but that’s another discussion.)

honestly, i can look over some aspects of this show because i still do enjoy it. i like the use of martial arts as a fantastical magic device because it was used consistently and clearly they did their research, even if it does kind represent this idea of Asia, the Land of Magic Powers; i don’t mind because not everyone has the magic powers, the magic powers are deconstructed, people without the magic powers are still treated respectfully, the magic powers are diverse, and they are treated both practically and spiritually (so not everyone, like sokka, has the same awe-inspiring respect of them, which is realistic characterization to this world, and though he’s sometimes portrayed as incorrect in his disbelief of the spiritual, he’s never portrayed as wrong for being practical and realistic). honestly, i don’t mind the oohs and aahs of these magic powers because i still think the magic powers are pretty fuckin cool; it’s likely we’ve all pretended to be a bender at some point lol. and as a kid, i didn’t mind that ATLA nations blended cultures; i thought it was fun to look up later and see which sorts of things were made up and which were influenced by real things (i liked that not a lot if it was made up). i don’t mind that Lake Laogai was named after a real, horrifying place, though i understand and completely respect that plenty of others find the name disturbing and tasteless.

that said, as an adult coming to ATLA for the first time, I would probably not go this hard for a show that blends a bunch of real ethnicities together in a hodgepodge of culture clashes, at least not one spearheaded by a white developer team. i would be less willing to ignore the northern air temple episode, where aang, victim of a genocide, forgives a bunch of strangers who disrespected and destroyed his home (including the guy who was NOW INVENTING WAR WEAPONS FOR THE VERY NATION THAT DESTROYED HIS PEOPLE). i can mostly look over these things because of nostalgia. but the way people outright stan the whole avatar series (including LOK but i won’t get into that right now) without acknowledging ATLA is, ultimately, still a story with a pretty western handling of its themes just with asian faces, is..... frustrating.

a new coworker of mine, also an asian woman who was too old to watch ATLA at the time it was airing, has said that the more she learns about ATLA as an adult the weirder she feels about it and less inclined she is to watch it, which makes me think that maybe i’m not crazy.

[crossdressingdeath]

Just a reminder that if you have time and feel like writing that post you mentioned about how you would rewrite each DBH character’s story given unlimited runtime, it would be very cool to read.

Ah, right. Quick note that I don’t know much about Connor’s machine path or the violent revolution path or any ending to Kara’s story that doesn’t involve successfully getting past the border guard so I will be skimming those parts of the story. Also it’s going to be pretty vague because Details Are Hard. (Also I’m tired so this is probably not going to make a lot of sense or be in any sort of reasonable order.)

Okay, general points first. I feel like the three stories should intersect more, even if only in a “seeing the aftermath of their actions” way; maybe Connor and Hank are sent to investigate Zlatko’s death after Kara and Alice have gone through, for example. You’ve got three protagonists active at the same time and they barely interact! Come on, give us a little conversation. And of course the public opinion system needs to be used a lot more; it only effects two things in the whole game, come on! It doesn’t impact any of the major human characters, and that just feels wrong. I’ll. come back to this in Connor’s section because I feel like it would be best used there (since there really aren’t many humans in the story outside of his parts and the ones who do show up have reasons to side with or against the deviants outside of public opinion), but if nothing else I’d like it to lead to us seeing humans demonstrating/fighting with the deviants. Also I would like to see at least a few examples of androids deviating peacefully, like Connor does; I don’t believe for a second that there weren’t androids who deviated in a place where they were surrounded by people who were with them all the way.

So, first off: Markus. Mostly I’d just want to extend the timeline a bit and add some more Jericho missions, because oh my god you cannot join an organization of people with no weapons or resources of any kind, become their leader, and successfully change society in less than a week. So just... more evidence of Markus slowly winning Jericho over and helping them gather supplies and resources. Show him helping them set up actual supply lines! Rescuing deviants! Winning over allies! Including human ones, because the idea that there isn’t a single human working with Jericho when pretty much every major human character is in fact on the deviants’ side is... dumb. Also, individual missions with North, Simon and Josh; it would be good to spend more time getting to know them, since as it stands it’s... kind of hard to care all that much when they die. I might also add short scenes where we see Connor’s targets arriving in Jericho if they survive, just to add more connection between the stories (and also I like them and wish more had been done with them). And make Simon a love interest (because this is a choice-heavy game and so I should be able to make the choice to play exclusively as gay androids if that’s what I want), and make it easier to avoid having a love interest; let’s not create a situation where entering into a relationship less than a week after gaining emotions is all but mandatory, hm? Also, maybe Markus should meet Kamski one time? As the guy fulfilling Kamski’s deviant-related plans? Come on, one meeting. Maybe clear up Kamski’s motivations just a bit. And, crossing over with Connor’s story, maybe a bit of stuff them both being part of the RK line and how it went from a caregiver android to a detective android. Oh, and change it so that you’re not guaranteed to have fatalities on the violence path, because insisting that only pacifism can possibly end happily when fighting against oppression seems kind of... not great, all things considered. Frankly given the androids’ combat abilities it kind of makes more sense to have unavoidable deaths on the pacifism route, or alternately to have different unavoidable deaths on both routes, but being admittedly a softy I am very happy to have it be possible to have no deaths on either route. I don’t necessarily expect it to be easy to save everyone (it might make sense to add in missions where you make preparations to increase their odds of survival, or do something similar to Simon’s possible death in Stratford Tower where one of other protagonists’ actions has an effect on the sequence of events), but it would be nice to have it be possible.

On to Kara; I mentioned this before, but instead of her story being a cute-but-boring game-long escort mission where you have to protect a small child who is entirely useless I’d give her a story about uncovering how deviancy works and the history of it. Whether it really is just a glitch or something more, what rA9 actually is... all that fun stuff. No idea how that would actually go, but it would be more interesting than just running to Canada. If nothing else we could get more backstory on how the hell Kamski managed to create androids who are so realistic that that they can develop emotions. And if it is just a glitch there can be more discussion on whether or not simulated emotions are as real as actual emotions, because the fact that they brought up the concept of deviant emotions being a simulation and did nothing with it just feels like a massive waste of potential. And I’d add some more ways to live; from what I understand it’s really hard to keep everyone alive unless you maybe possibly condemn a couple and their baby to freeze to death or get killed by a revolution and keep things peaceful in Markus’s story. While I do want more interaction between the stories, I don’t think your choices in one story should automatically lock you out of getting the best ending for one of the other stories (with the obvious exception of the situations where that actually makes sense; can’t get the best ending for Connor and Hank if Markus nukes the city while Hank is in it, for example). At least with Kara; her story is so separate from Markus and Connor’s that it doesn’t make sense for Markus’s actions to lock her out of escaping to Canada! Also, it adds nothing to the story to have Alice turn out to be an android and robs Kara of her close human companion who has a massive impact on her life; yeah, there’s Rose, but she’s in... what, two missions? That’s less than Karl, who has the additional story impact of having been Markus’s father figure for (if memory serves) years before the start of the game, so there’s no dynamic to build; it’s already there. Keep Alice human! It’s a completely pointless twist! ...I recognise that this does mean that Connor can get a young human girl killed by succeeding in stopping a deviant, but it wouldn’t take much to rewrite his run-in with Kara to not involve a chase across a freeway. Again, I’ll come back to this when I get to Connor’s section. But imagine the impact of things like Todd’s abuse and Zlatko’s section if Alice is human; showing that these villains don’t necessarily see androids and humans as different, but in a negative sense this time. Also, I’d like a sort of prologue to her story featuring the incident that got her broken and led to her being repaired at the start of the game.

And of course now we get to Connor, the best boy who deserves the best. I’ll start with the things I said I’d come back to. First, the public opinion system: imagine if Hank’s thoughts on deviants (instead of just changing for no apparent reason beyond a handful of meetings with people who generally kick his ass and then run away or die with at most a bit of conversation) could be altered by public opinion of the deviants’ cause. Even better; by that and his relationship with Connor. Picture a situation where Hank doesn’t trust or like deviants at all due to them running around killing people but still helps them because he wants to help Connor. It would just be very good. Also, since Connor is the only character hanging out exclusively with humans (what with the station full of cops he’s working out of): imagine more missions taking place (or at least starting) in the precinct where Connor can interact with his sort of coworkers and how the conversations with them could change as time passes and public opinion changes. Also again the possibility for a conflict between dislike of deviants and fondness for this particular android, just for fun. And, also just for fun, maybe a bit of character development for Gavin where he’s still a dick (because honestly he’d be less fun if he wasn’t) but if public opinion is high he’ll pretend not to notice Connor sneaking into the evidence locker and fucking around in there for a while when he really definitely isn’t supposed to. Come on, if you’re going to have heroic cops you could at least do something with more than one of them. Also, more Captain Fowler. All we know is that he and Hank are old friends and he’s totally okay with Hank beating the shit out of Perkins; all in all I’d like to know a bit more about him. And with Kara and Alice: the freeway chase works, sure, but I would like the option for Connor to at least try to save Alice; by this point Connor is already showing signs of software instability, if we change it so that Alice is human him putting the mission aside to save a little girl makes sense and gives us a good sense of who he is as a person, and it fits neatly into steadily escalating refusal to complete his mission that eventually reaches full deviancy. If I’m remembering the order right it’s Ortiz’s android (who you can’t let escape), Kara (who you can let go based on Hank’s orders), Rupert (who you can let go to save Hank), the Tracis (who you can let go just because), and then Markus (who you have to deviate to spare); changing it so that you can let Kara go to save a little girl she’s protecting fits the escalation (you could easily argue that Connor has something in his programming about saving human lives, and as one of his earlier missions shows him being specifically trying to save a little girl it makes a great deal of sense that he wants to protect Alice. Also like. Imagine having the option to push Alice out of the way of a car at the cost of Connor’s life. It would be very effective, I think. Also it’s another opportunity to make Hank like you because he would for sure react well to you saving a small child from getting hit by a car.

Alright, moving on; I’d like some more assignments with Connor before he joins the DPD and gets partnered with Hank, showing him actually earning the title of deviant hunter? Also that way we aren’t stuck with the conclusion that CyberLife decided to send their prototype out into the world to partner with the police in investigations after one mission, which said prototype may well have failed to complete. And we could show more of Connor struggling with what he’s being ordered to do but having no way of stopping himself due to a complete lack of any interaction with anyone with functioning emotions, except for maybe CyberLife technicians. Actually, I’d also like to see what it’s like for Connor going to CyberLife for repairs and debriefing and such, because I doubt it’s fun. Other than that... well, Connor’s story is pretty good all things considered, but there are a couple tweaks I’d make. Aside from the previously mentioned exploration of what it means that he and Markus are both part of the RK line, I’d maybe cap off the added early story for him by adding him being hesitant about turning in Ortiz’s android if you’ve been pushing for more software instability and only going through with it when it becomes clear that if he doesn’t all he’ll achieve is getting himself caught not doing his job, which wouldn’t be a good look. I feel like the most effective way to do it might be if it’s not under player control; if his software instability is high enough he’ll be uncertain about it, and if he’s not he won’t be. And if he is uncertain you could add some options to the interrogation where he can win trust by telling the android he was scared of what would happen to him if he didn’t turn him in (followed by him immediately insisting that that was just a cunning ploy and in no way true when pressed on the matter if he did it out loud and not through an interface). Also: why wasn’t it Hank who pushed Connor to deviate. You spend Connor’s entire story with Hank! He is Connor’s tie to humanity! Why does Connor deviate in one conversation with a complete stranger and not his dearest friend! I desperately want a situation where Hank learns too much or something and Connor is ordered to shoot him and you can either go through with it (killing Hank) or deviate and shoot whoever gave you the order instead. Also then there could be hugs. And maybe forehead kisses because please. Connor deserves a little smooch honestly. He’s earned it. And then if your relationship with Hank is low enough that he’s already dead at this point you can have the conversation with Markus. Also, I would love an addition to the machine path where if you have a high relationship with Hank you can choose to deviate before fighting him (instead of just walking away despite that preventing Connor from finishing his mission quickly) or to deviate after fighting him when he’s got Hank hanging off the edge of the roof. Think about it; a moment of horrified realisation where Connor’s software is finally pushed to the breaking point by having to choose whether or not he will kill his only friend for the sake of his mission where he’s left desperately asking himself what the hell he’s doing? Like, if nothing else it would hammer home the fact that at this point Connor is choosing to remain a machine (assuming his software instability is high enough) to have to choose it twice even at the cost of Hank’s life. Actually three times, because the initial choice would be before this point. Also going that way it would be possible to play through the machine path up to the fight with Hank and still net Connor’s best ending, which would just be nice I think. Also, more hugs. Hugs are good.

...Okay, that’s all I can think of for now. Also it’s uh. almost 1 AM here and sleep is in fact important. So I’m going to wrap up here; maybe I’ll make some more posts later if I think of anything else.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Doctor Who: Revolution of the Daleks (2021 New Years Special)

I honestly really loved that! Like, a lot!

Cons:

It wasn't perfect, however. Of course. A few little nitpicky things, and one or two bigger complaints:

So, the bad guy was a little too one-note evil capitalist/politician. Some of his lines made me roll my eyes, like "this is a PR nightmare" being his reaction when he learned that the Daleks were eating liquified humans. The irony of him suddenly being hailed as a hero worked okay, but he was maybe just a touch too cartoonish for my personal preference, in an episode that mostly managed to feel really grounded.

Sometimes the Dalek stories will touch on this "race purity" thing, and the Doctor will talk about how they are beings of hate, and it really feels like we're doing a Nazi allegory, but they don't quite... go somewhere with it? Like, we've got the Prime Minster character talking about protecting borders and increasing security, and then the Daleks who are trying to stamp out "impurities," right? And there's something there, it's not exactly the most subtle of story craft, I guess I just wish it felt more intentional. The Daleks have metaphorical resonance here, and I'm not sure it was totally utilized.

My biggest complaint is one that could have been fixed with an added line or two of dialogue. See, the Doctor drops her "fam" off, then immediately gets imprisoned and remains trapped for literal years, from her perspective. Jack shows up and saves her, and when they return back to Earth, ten months have passed for Graham, Ryan, and Yaz. And the fam, especially Yaz and Ryan, are pissed. They're livid with her for abandoning them, and it really made them think about their place in life, if they want to stay with the Doctor or not. That's all well and good, but there's not really a confrontation of the fact that the Doctor didn't abandon them because she was off on a lark... she was imprisoned. Alone, cut off, for years. I was really flummoxed by the lack of sympathy extended by the others. I know it's her "fault" or maybe the TARDIS' "fault" that she got back ten months later, but what about the years that she spent without them? In my opinion, there was a lack of balance in dealing with that aspect of things.

Pros:

So... if Yaz is not supposed to be in love with the Doctor, someone forgot to tell the actors. And writers. Because WOW. I'm kind of obsessed with the way Yaz was written here. When the Doctor is gone, both Graham and Ryan try and get on with their lives. But Yaz remains firmly focused on finding the Doctor. Of all three companions, Yaz is the one who gets a special moment with Jack, where they basically commiserate over what it's like to be in love with the Doctor and know you won't get to stay with her forever. And then Yaz decides to stay, while the other two leave the TARDIS. There is just so much material here, so much love and desperation from Yaz. There were ways to make this a lot more no-homo, and they didn't take it. For example, during the Jack and Yaz conversation, Jack starts off talking about all the amazing things he got to see with the Doctor, and how losing that was so hard. But Yaz doesn't frame it around her experiences in general, she frames it around the Doctor as a person - wishing she'd never met her so she wouldn't have to suffer knowing what she'd be losing. It's GAY, I tell you. GAY!

Just look at Yaz's arc in this episode. She's missing the Doctor, she's conflicted about staying with her because of the heartbreak awaiting her at the end, but she chooses, ultimately, to stay by her side. Honestly, Yaz is the first companion since... well... Rose, maybe, whose character arc is best served by staying with the Doctor forever. Because she loves her. Romantically. Other companions, notably Martha, Amy, Rory, and Bill, all had other shit going on, other things they had to learn through their adventures. A life to grow into. Yaz? Yaz's place is by the Doctor's side, and I for one am thrilled to see where they're going with this. Come on, BBC. Don't be cowards. Make it gay.

Having Jack back in this special was such a treat. He's an undeniably fun and hilarious character, but Barrowman grounds the performance and gives Jack some real weight. I kind of love the way Jack and this version of the Doctor interact, with this depth of history but also a certain frostiness. We must remember that the Doctor knows what happens to Jack, exactly how long he'll live and how his end will come, and this version of the Doctor, more than any of the other modern versions, has a bit of a wall up when it comes to revealing her inner self to the people around her. But they still love each other, and you can see that love shining through the performance. At first, I was kind of miffed that Jack basically made his exit offscreen, just a voiceover saying he was staying on Earth, a very casual goodbye... but then actually I ended up loving that choice. It's like the Doctor and Jack are two people who were once very close, and will always have that bond, but now they're kind of like time traveling coworkers, just flitting in and out of each others' orbits. The way Jack leaves, there's no reason why he might not come back another time. It's refreshing and fun.

And Jack gave himself a bit of a mentor role in this episode, coaching the others (especially Yaz) on what it is to be the Doctor's companions, on what it might mean. I loved the moment when the Doctor came up with a plan to defeat the Daleks, and while the others were all confused, Jack got exactly what she was doing and tried to talk her out of it right away. Then, when the ship needed to be destroyed, the Doctor assigned the task to Jack, knowing that he'd be happy to blow it up. That shared history really shined through for me!

And now let's talk about Ryan and Graham leaving the TARDIS to stay on earth. Earlier, I was talking about companions and how for the most part, the characters have a growth arc over their time with the Doctor. For Ryan and Graham, it was about healing their relationship, as they grieved for their shared loss. And they did that. They have purpose now, as we see them continuing their life and fighting to protect Earth in the Doctor's absence. I love the idea of having more companions around for the Doctor to interact with. This has never been an ensemble show (not since it rebooted anyway), and the gimmick works best by having the Doctor and one or a small number of companions along for the ride in the TARDIS. But imagine Ryan or Graham giving the Doctor a call someday, whether it be in this regeneration or the next, because they need help with a problem back on Earth. Or maybe the Doctor calls them up the next time she's in the neighborhood! It warms my heart to think about it!

I haven't talked much about the Daleks or, you know, the actual plot of this special, and that's because frankly I'm not sure that was where its strengths lie. And that's okay! I will say I liked that the focus remained on the characters and their relationships, but we also had some commentary about the growing prevalence of the police state in first-world western countries. And capitalism is always an easy motivator for a villain, and that was executed more or less well, barring the complaints I made above. It was a serviceable story that created a proper threat, while really only being there to serve as a backdrop for the human drama.

So that's it! I've seen some mixed responses to this one floating around, but I for one quite enjoyed myself, and I'm excited to meet this new companion coming in. As long as they don't try and make him a love interest for Yaz or the Doctor. These ladies are spoken for.

8/10

[stargazersastronomy]

Social Change & Protest Astrology

“I can't get it out of my mind how you were left to bleed Was it how you dressed? Or how you act? I can't believe how they could act so violently, without regret. Well, we will not forget”

-- ‘We are the Others‘ by Delain

I normally don’t make posts like this, posts that deal with violence or politics. These subjects are similar to religion and sexuality, etc. There are so many different perspectives that you can never know what backlash, if any, will happen because of your words. However, people George Floyd’s murder, the protests, everything has effected the world. I haven’t felt this affected by murders since Brian Deneke’s and Sophie Lancaster’s deaths. Like Deneke and Lancaster, I still hear Floyd’s pleas for  his life, for his mother, for mercy echoing in my mind. My imagination could never do his suffering justice; I keep imagining the pain Floyd suffered as his neck was crushed by Derek Chauvin’s knee.  I’m someone who believes that Hell is impermanent – and that humans’ depictions of Hell originate from our artists and poets than our holy books – but I hope Chauvin burns in whatever Hell he’s sent to. Even if that hell is life imprisonment.

Similar to Deneke and Lancaster, we’ve heard the same statements: that Floyd was killed for his differences. While that is partially correct, killed because he was different, shifts blame from the murderers to the victim. Statements like these imply that if Deneke hadn’t be Punk, Lancaster hadn’t been Goth, and Floyd hadn’t been Black, they would not have been killed. Yes, the fact that they were all minorities in some way is part of our discourse of it; their attackers – and society’s intolerance – of them was the cause of their deaths. Dustin, the jock, mowed Deneke down with his car. The five boys who pummels Lancaster and her boyfriend killed Lancaster. And it was Chauvin that suffocated Floyd to death. These seven would have gone after anyone different and weaker from them, they chose the easiest targets.

In each case the murders were unplanned, random, that the victims happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. But with the violent acts that happened before then – Deneke and his friends beaten by the Jocks, there were beatings against others before Lancaster was killed, and racial deaths have only been increasing here in the States. Signs were there and without intervention of some kind, Floyd’s, Deneke’s, and Lancaster’s deaths were inevitable. No one knew when or to whom these tragedies would happen to, but something like this would.

Anyway, this has been a very long prelude to introduce my point to all this. When these things happen I like to do a horoscope on the event in order to understand it, aka electional/event astrology. Last time I looked up this chart I was reading an event horoscope about the Port Arthur Massacre, so I decided to try my hand at this type of astrology. Now, I’ll probably cast a horoscope for Sohpie Lancaster and Brian Deneke, but for know this chart will focus on George Floyd’s Death, its impact, and the Lafayette Square Protest earlier this week. Before I start this reading, just know I use the Whole Sign house system and not Placidus. Lastly, Floyd was a person and astrology can’t explain away everything, so I’m going to treat him with the dignity he deserves.

Whenever one sees horrific violence and mass uproars in astrology, Mars and Pluto are the prominent players in the horoscope. This isn’t surprising because Pluto is a higher octave of Mars (like Neptune is to Venus, and Uranus to Saturn) and they’re dignified in Aries and Scorpio. Mars is Ares, it is raw masculinity, sexuality, conquest, war, anger, passion. Pluto, aka Hades, Greek God of the Dead, is all that Mars is with one difference. Pluto bides its time waiting for the opportune moment unlike Mars that is impatient and impulsive. In these charts we expect Gemini to be one the dominant signs because it’s Gemini season, Sagittarius because that’s Floyd’s death ascendant (rising sign), and Scorpio because that the protest’s ascendant. However, I did not expect Hades Moon[*1] to be so important here. More on that later.

Gemini Sun (7/Descendant) squared Pisces Mars (4/IC)

Sun is the ego, who we are as an individual. Mars is our drive, its our fighting words. Harsh aspects like oppositions and squares are blessings in disguises because if one can work through the initial turbulence, this person is unstoppable. How this power is often abused. Floyd begs Chauvin for mercy but his words (Gemini/third house) are going unheard. Witnesses are telling Chauvin to stop but they’re ignored and Chauvin’s fellow coworkers are silent.

For now, I’ll give the other cops the benefit of the doubt. Bystanders tend to fall under three camps: one, the bystanders that side with the aggressor, two, the bystanders that sympathize with the victim but are too frightened to confront the bully. Three, perhaps the most insidious, the bystanders that are apathetic to both sides. No matter which camp they fall into they’re cowards and unfortunately the law doesn’t punish inaction.

Pisces is exalted in Venus (Aphrodite) and while it rather not be situated in Mars, Pisces realizes Mars (Ares) is the gender-flipped equivalent of Venus.  Pisces Mars is the seafarer, it is Captain Ishamal, Captain Nemo, the old man from The Old Man and the Sea. And Mars in conflict with the sun is causing a storm.  Instead of noble victory, Mars uses its strength to dominate. Look at the videos, Chauvin’s photo during the scene. His semi-slouched posture indicates nonchalance and with his hands stuffed in his pockets say that he has nothing to hide. How he eyes the spectators is that of confusing and superiority. They’re saying, “Yeah, I’m boring my knee into this innocent man. And? You guys can’t do anything.” He’s also forcing his will on Floyd. Aphrodite is definitely not happy being thrust into war.

Gemini Venus (7th House) squared Pisces Neptune (4th House)

I mentioned how the generational planets are the higher octaves of the primar planets. Venus is the Greek love Eros while Neptune is Agape, or universal love. Neptune is also illusion. American cops are often placed on pedestals and absolved of their actions, but Venus here is breaking the American people’s disillusions of that. Chauvin is abusing his authority murdering an innocent man in public, no one can ignore this power imbalance now.  The crowd that witnessed this atrocity, the millions more worldwide that saw this televised and online can’t erase this from their minds. We’re seeing that the Other (7th House) has no differences from us, that Floyd is not different from us. Pisces Neptune is communicating to us to show love and compassion to our fellow man. Later, in Washington DC Rahul Dubey offered his home to approximately 60 protesters overnight, so they’d remain safe from the police. When interviewed Dubey said what he did wasn’t a choice, it was the right thing to do.

Chauvin showed no kindness, and people are calling him out on this. None of the people in the crowd can do anything, all they can do is beg and shout from the sidelines to help Floyd. This didn’t help Floyd, and this is of little consolation because he died, but people cared enough to record the cops’ crime. They cared enough to demand the cops help Floyd. It feels inadequate at the time, it won’t resurrect him. At least he heard some kindness and concern in the voices of others.  

Cancer Moon (8th House) squared Taurus Uranus (6th House)

A Hades Moon is any moon connection to Pluto and/or the eighth house. Whenever the moon is connected to the generational planets – specifically Saturn and Pluto – there’s a war between feminine, nurturing energy and masculine, destroying energy. Saturn freezes emotions whether it’s trined or opposed the Moon. Pluto when aspected to the moon gives the moon psychic, explosive energy. Moon is dignified in Cancer which gives it added strength, however, it’s in the eighth house of death weakening it. “From tomb of the womb, to womb of the tomb.” (Hero of a Thousand Faces) Women give life and we live with the knowledge that life will be taken away. With Floyd’s last breaths he says that he “can’t breathe” and calls out “mama.” How many heartstrings were tugged at? How many mothers, girlfriends, daughters, embraced their children and significant others when they heard this?

Taurus is Eve from the Garden of Eden. Taurus craves stability and sensuality which is why it is fallen in Uranus. Uranus uproots Taurus’ stability to initiate change but note where Uranus; it’s in the house of work and health (6th house). Floyd’s life was taken by men who swore oaths to serve and protect. Chauvin’s coworkers should have done their duty (Virgo/6th house) and protected Floyd from one of their own. Instead they lazily stand aside and let a man die. They ignore his health when Floyd informed them earlier that he was claustrophobic.

Yet the civilians around them did their duty. They videotaped these cops so they’d be held accountable and couldn’t lie about their actions. Women and men called out to the cops demanding the Chauvin get off of Floyd and for the others to call an ambulance. Granted, Floyd still died. His daughters and wife weren’t there to hold his hand in his final moments. He was denied a good death, a death where he’s an old man surrounded by family who loves him. He’ll never see his daughters, graduate, marry, and bear children of their own. The only solace is that his memory has become immortal, no one will forget him now. I doubt he wanted to be a symbol in death, but now we can ensure that his death isn’t in vain. We can make sure we can bring change to the States. We can make sure that these cops are forced to take responsibility for their crimes. That’s our duty in remembrance to Floyd.

“One day we won't slay our brothers One day we won't hate each other One day we'll help one another But that day is not today”

-- ‘The Pallbearer Walks Alone’, The Dark Element

Lafayette Square Protests

For the most part the placements of the Lafayette Square Protests stay the same as Floyd’s death horoscope. The differences are:

Scorpio Ascendant, meaning Mars & Pluto rule the chart

Scorpio Moon (first house/ascendant)

Cancer Mercury (Eighth House)

Mercury trined Uranus

and Moon trined Saturn

Ultimately, the astrology placements I discussed earlier apply here. But for the protests I just want to focus on the 9th House and 10th House/Midheaven.

Cancer Ninth House & Leo Midheaven

Each country has its own natal chart, for the States, this nation was founded during Cancer season. Many people consider America to be their motherland (Cancer), even people who emigrate here. Personally, I think the States have 2 main lessons to learn: One not to be the savior and think itself the hero of other countries, and two, learn that how it’s governed affects the world (ninth house). In my opening paragraphs I mentioned that Sophie and Brian’s deaths impacted the world as does George’s. That’s exactly what happened. As a nation we have daily protests since Floyd’s death. We’re using emotionally charged language to to force Trump, our legislators, police officials for equal rights for black minorities. Saturn is in Aquarius – and we’re about to enter Pluto in Aquarius in the next few years – we’re finally heeding Saturn’s lesson. That everyone should be treated the same, that we must collaborate to enact change.

Whenever there are empty houses, that house is still important but the lessons and symbols that house represents aren’t important at the moment. Trump used his authority, military, police loyal to him to force them out of the square. Why? For a photo-op. Leo long to be center stage and calling attention to itself; the midheaven makes and ideal home for Leo. But this empty house shows Trump’s failure here. It shows no one will allow him to dominate them anymore. I’m not saying astrology can explain all of Trump’s behaviour, but his incessant need for admiration and attention backfired. Now, I never expected much from him, but if he had the ability to think through his actions and consider anothers’ perspective, I would have tolerated him. (The 2020 elections will not be kind to him.) More importantly Floyd’s death and the proceeding protests have effected the world. And if we as American citizens don’t change, the entire world will be affected. (Pluto and Uranus). The United  States are considered a superpower with Russia and China close behind as world powers. I’m not psychic nor have a crystal ball, but how this nation handles these conflicts will make or break 7 billion + people in this world. I didn’t intend for this astrology post to sound political. I just wanted to explain this through astrology.  

“There will come a day not so far away When the hunter becomes the prey (and you will pay).

Its a hellish inferno This is war eternal.”

-- ‘War Eternal‘, Arch Enemy

[realmeisstuff]

The Craziest Thing I Did For Seventeen

I like planning things.

Ever since Ideal Cut and missing the chance to see them in 2018, I've been thinking of ways to fulfill my fangirl dreams without sacrificing my responsibility as a daughter and sister, and also my goals as a nurse.

Working in a private hospital doesn't give you lots of extra money for fangirling. My regular salary could only cover my daily expenses plus contributions for my family needs, so I could only save for my most awaited unannounced Seventeen concert by doing overtime, not using my holiday pay and saving my night differentials, plus super tight budgeting.

It took two years for them to finally announce "Ode to You" world tour. And this time, I'm planning on turning my plans into action.

But before that, I had to find ways to ensure that everything would go smoothly: first, is to arrange my schedule, second is to prove my parents that Seventeen is my drive towards success and not a distraction (because it it necessary for me to get their approval and I don't want them to think that I'm choosing Seventeen over practicality), and three, take my sister with me, because she's the reason why I saw them in the first place, now it's my turn to bring her to them. It's about time that I return the favor by chasing our happiness together.

Maktub.

The first one was resolved probably due to luck that I never knew I had.

Since I've already become a regular employee, I was entitled for an annual vacation, but my schedule was December 2019, while the concert was set on February 2020. I went to my nursing manager and asked if my vacation could be moved to February, but she said that it wouldn't be possible, since the date is fixed. But when she tried to check the schedule in the HR, conflict arised since 4 of us in the ICU department, have the same schedule, and due to under staffing, they needed to arrange it. I volunteered for my schedule to be moved to a later date and so February 1-15 was given to me as my vacation leave.

Lucky, right?

In my excitement, I already booked for the flight and hotel, a crazy impulsive decision that could only be paired with prayers, in hope that it would go the way I plan it to. (But in my defense I had to do it, because it's much cheaper if you booked it earlier than later)

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The second one was a challenge. How could I convince my parents that I know what to prioritize and that choosing Seventeen isn't impractical? The only answer I could find was to take the english proficiency exam that I was supposed to take 2 years ago, but doesn't have the guts to do it. I've already saved for the exam, but I always come up with excuses (or actually somewhat true) that I don't have time to study due to my work schedule.

But this time for Seventeen (and my nursing career), I'm willing to take a chance (although my non-risk taker self is shaking with anxiety).

It was late in November when I decided to book my exam, I was hoping to take it by December, but maybe God knows I'm still not prepared since I haven't studied intensively yet, that there was a conflict of schedule. My coworker already booked December, and since we're on the same shift, we must not be on leave at the same time. So, I booked the next available schedule, which is January, at least I still have a month to study for the test.

During night shifts, if I don't have anyhing to do, I would practice my writing, then on weekends I would practice my reading and listening. Everyday after duty, I would only sleep for about 6-7 hours, so that I could wake up then practice my speaking for 1-2 hours before my next shift.

Four days before my exam, I had to ask permission to be on leave, so that I could camp out at the site and buy my desired ticket. I had to study while waiting in line. Despite the long hours of waiting, I am determined and excited to finally buy my concert tickets. It also helped that Carats surrounded me, and I felt that I've really found my place. We met our mutuals, and chatted with our co-fans. It was a very memorable moment for me.

January 16,2020. Boo Seungkwan's Birthday and also the day of the exam. I was so nervous, and to calm my nerves, I silently prayed to God for guidance, I joked that "God if only the examiner would ask me about my favorite music, I would be sure that I could pass this exam, because I could talk about Seventeen all day". In my surprise, it was the first question for the first part of the exam. And that's when I knew that where God guides, he provides.

I believe that the universe is conspiring to help me achieve what I truly wanted the most. I passed the test with flying colors, and it helped me gain the approval of my mom to go to the concert.

But then 2020 strikes, and it seems that the pandora box was opened. Health threats due to the covid virus was rising, and everyone was worried that it would reach the country.

I knew the gravity of the situation, but I couldn't stop myself from wanting to go to the concert despite the fear. I started becoming desperate when most of the events were cancelled due to the pandemic.

I held onto that hope that God didn't let me achieve everything I did so far, just to break my heart. I already have the concert and plane tickets, and the hotel was already paid, but on top of all that, I didn't want to disappoint my sister, who wanted this so badly like I do, because after long years of waiting, she could finally have a chance to go home to Manila. Also, my friend, who has never been in any concerts (despite wanting to go), finally took the courage to do this for herself.

When Running Man announced the cancellation of their concert, which is one day after OTY. I couldn't help but cry. I feel like my world is falling apart. Without the fangirl side of me, I would just be my pessimistic, melancholic self who doesn't know how to have fun.

As if that's not bad news enough, due to the massive resignation in the Icu department, they had to rotate the ward staffs and place them in our department, and when they announced the name of the "new" Icu staffs, it feels like I've been struck by a lightning.

In my two years of working, I only had a conflict with two nurses from different departments: The girl who spread rumors about me and the senior nurse from my previous area who traumatized me during my junior days. So, how shocking was it that the newbies would be the both of them? I almost resigned right there and then.

But it only made my desire to go to the concert much stronger, because the only thing that could push me to work even in the most stressful environment with the most difficult co-workers would be Seventeen.

I felt so down as the days went nearer to the concert date. I felt that anytime they would announce the cancellation of the event, and I had to cancel everything I booked as well.

I wanted to tell myself that safety first, but the other side of me wanted to see them so badly...desperate even to risk and live presently without fear. I debated in my head that I would die faster working in the hospital rather than to a one-day concert.

I prayed to the Gods, even done some bargaining, so that we would all be safe to go to the concert. I would rather have toxic shifts with my toxic co-workers than to miss this concert. I was that desperate.

But Inang announced that the concert would push through.

*Insert happy tears and fangirl squeals*

I made the necessary preparations, so that I would ensure our safety. We brought n95 and surgical mask with us plus we take 1000 mg vitamin c everyday.

We encountered problems along the way such as the hotel canceling our reservation, even though I've already paid the downpayment, and heavy rains while searching for the hotel, but we made it.

We were able to sort out the problems, and enjoyed the day before the concert. We did some pilgrimage and went to Saem store where they did their fansigning event. We also stopped by their hotel, but just to look at the place.

On the day of the concert, we went inside the arena early, and was able to join the Carat activities. It was exhilarating to be on the same area as Seventeen, and I felt so ecstatic like I'm in cloud nine.

Although me and my friends were separated by barricade while we're looking for coffee, we still had a great time chatting with others.

Finally, we we're allowed to go inside and find our VIP seats. I was so overwhelmed, because of how close it was to the stage as compared to my previous lower box experience, that I couldn't stop from shedding happy tears. My sister was in awe, and I held onto her as I calm myself.

This is the moment I've been waiting for. Not only these past 2 years, but I think that I needed this for my whole life.

I cried once again after the concert. I was so happy. I've never been this happy in my life. Everything was worth it and I don't regret anything.

SepAnx was real, as me, my sister and my friend, cried during our flight back to the province. But despite the longing, we knew that February 8, 2020 will forever go down in the history as the perfect day when we were able to reached goals, and became the happiest fangirl in the universe.

Hopefully, we would be able to do this again when the world heals. And when that time comes, I hope we'll see them, all thirteen of them.