#but either way I’m proud for putting myself out there constantly

[cinewhore]

Got another rejection that wasn’t a rejection really cause i was never notified but still very much so a rejection lol

[anxiouspotatorants]

Actually you know what I need to rant about this: while literati is technically a good girl x bad boy dynamic it is written so incredibly well and avoids so many pitfalls and stereotypes that it makes a good girl x bad boy hater like myself (I’m only half joking — I don’t think any trope is inherently good or bad but I tend to dislike most pairings with this dynamic) fall head over heels for their story and relationship.

So much of what makes the two of them work is the contrast between how others perceive them and how they truly are. Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of people who understand who Rory is as a person (Lorelai, Lane, Paris, Richard and Emily to a certain degree for starters), but she's constantly met with the expectation that she just does good and is supposed to make everyone proud 24/7. Stars Hollow as a group especially are big on this, as seen f. ex. through how Taylor takes Rory's one comment about an inappropriate DVD and twists the whole thing into a censorship crusade and makes Rory its poster-child even though she wants nothing to do with it and tells him so repeatedly. But instead of hearing Rory disagree with him (like he would Lorelai and Luke) he assumes that she actually agrees with him - and why shouldn't she when she's the perfect sunshine paragon of good who would never disagree with her elders? Also her grandparents treat her as incredibly fragile and childlike, like she must be too innocent to ever do anything wrong and so whenever she does something it has to be somebody else's fault (usually Lorelai, but occasionally Jess or whoever else was present). Time and time again Rory is treated like something innocent and naive and weak — but not by Jess. He sees her as a person.

And it obviously goes the other way too. Jess is treated like shit by pretty much everyone else. Either people hate him unprovoked or very much provoked (he did do a lot of pranks in his first few weeks and while I'm a Dean-hater I'm not blind to how much Jess picked fights with him), or they’ve simply given up on him. He tells Rory himself that every authority figure he had back in New York gave up on him too, from teachers to principals to his very own mother. But Rory doesn’t treat him like a lost cause, she treats him like the smart, brilliant and asshole-ish teen that he is. By having faith in him she also often holds him more accountable than others. Where f. ex. Lorelai or the other adults just roll their eyes, Rory physically drags Jess into doing his shifts at the diner. While others write him off, Rory chews Jess’ ear out for not helping Luke more and for willfully making enemies out of the Stars Hollow adults.

They don't put each other on pedestals or below each other. Jess doesn’t try to make a sinner out of Rory and she doesn’t try to make a saint out of him. There’s genuine respect between them. They expect each other to have integrity and treat others with kindness and honesty, and the rest is good old chemistry and common interests.

I particularly love how in so many of their scenes (especially pre-relationship) when they spend time alone they just get to be these goofy nerdy kids. They argue about controversial authors and dig through records shops and eat hot dogs and make fun of each other and try to make each other laugh. It’s not just sexual chemistry as it too often is in a dynamic like this (and often uncomfortably sexual when writing teenagers - looking at you Gossip Girl), and not just well written intellectual chemistry — they have platonic chemistry too. A hell of a lot of it actually.

While I don’t think ASP wrote them through a purely deconstructionist lens on the good girl x bad boy dynamic (if she did plan on writing the dynamic at all), there is something to be said about how where many around them treat them like stereotypes they treat each other like people. To so many people, Rory is a perfect small town princess, a little miss sunshine with booksmarts for days but too delicate and sweet for anything with grit and weight. To a lot of the same people and many more Jess is a pathetic brutish and maniacal lost cause, hell personified in a chainsmoking leather-wearing teenager. But to each other they are actual human beings. Kind and mean and flirtatious and scared and reckless and smart. Rory really thinks that with the right motivation and mindset Jess can be the kind who does (and at the end wrote) incredible things. Jess really believes that with a little more practice and support to step out of her comfort zone she can be the amazing journalist she wishes to be.

They don’t have this stupid «we’re so bad for each other but we can’t stay away» thing that too many trope users rely on and don’t even justify in the plot. Everyone else might think they’re not fit for each other, but they knew they were each other’s person from the very first day.

[vexingwoman]

Uh not actually here to hate but to say thanks???? Ive been thinking alot on my self expression and trying to figure out how to word it, and seeing some of your comments with other people really helped to put in perspective what I was trying to come to terms with. Ive always struggled with my gender but acknowledge fully that I'm biologically female. (Stay with me here till the end please i know lol) I genuinely dont care what pronouns I'm called either and none have ever felt right if I'm honest and nothing I've read or tried has been adding up for me over the years to help me feel any better.

Kinda realizing over the past year or so that I just have this deep ingrained idea from being surrounded constantly my whole life in a woman hating environment that I just have a *really* heavily masked hatred for what general society treats women as and was trying to remove myself from it hoping itd somehow save me from the terrible shit we all go through daily. And it just made me feel even more alienated doing that to myself. Its been a long time of coming around to this and I know how it sounds but I dont wanna consider any of my time wasted. I dont remember what it was but something you said to someone in a long ass comment fight clicked for me and rn I'm sleep deprived and wont even remember what it was in the morning either but I feel like some kind of weight has been eased off me. Im doing my best to unlearn the sexist misogynistic bs ive had shoved down my throat my whole life that made me think being a woman was something to be shameful of and better off without.

Its been hard trying to look into this radfem community and find someone who didn't immediately just insult and exclude ppl that werent already on the ball agreeing. Basically I appreciate your ranting with strangers. Amd indulging some of their curiousity as clearly as you can+defining everything you say constantly so I dont get lost in a whirlwind of hard to understand metaphors. Idk you get it. Something clicked and i dont feel ashamed for the time gone bc I know it was heavily influenced by the oppression of all things normal-human-womanly around me. I hate that we're all so tied into these stereotypes. Its painfully hard to unlearn. Thanks for the help. Have a fat block of text as thanks cause I'm not sure how to sound as genuine as I feel rn. Have a nice day and an even better tomorrow. Im gonna get some sleep now💀(stayed up WAY too late painting lol) bye!

This is so wonderful to hear. I know how dreadful it is doing serious introspection and making yourself aware of how deeply and unconsciously your internalized sexism runs. I’ve been there, and I know it’s even more difficult to deconstruct the subtle sexist attitudes which have been ingrained into to us since birth. Often it seems as hopeless as chasing smoke, because some of our internalized sexism is so deep that it’s invisible, and worse, inarticulable.

Some women will never think on these subjects beyond their surface level—will never dissect their preferences, will never concede that their choices are influenced by sex-based socialization, will never seriously reflect on why they are so desperate to identify out of womanhood. And in a strange way, I sympathize with these women, because I understand that it’s easier to shut your eyes and convince yourself that you were born in the wrong body than it is to open your eyes and acknowledge how much sexism has seeped into and corrupted our own minds.

Basically, I’m proud of you for putting yourself through the pain of deconstructing your own internalized sexism. You are better for even attempting it, and I hope you continue to do so.

P.S. I know exactly which long-ass comment fight you’re referring to, because I only put myself through that once. At least someone benefited from the literal month I spent arguing with that stranger. They blocked me, so unfortunately I can’t even go back and analyze the conversation if I ever wanted to. I would love to know what you took away from it, if you ever do remember.

[fire-on-thirst]

Maybe an Instagram au of Charles and Lando?

The idea is they’re having a date in Monaco for the whole day for their 4 year aniversairy where they’re just constantly posting each other on their feed and stories being completely in love <3

landonorris story

landonorris story

charles_leclerc story

landonorris story

charles_leclerc story

landonorris story

charles_leclerc story

landonorris story

charles_leclerc story

landonorris story

charles_leclerc story

charles_leclerc

liked by landonorris, pierregasly, arthur_leclerc and others

charles_leclerc 4 years ago today I finally got the courage to ask you to be my boyfriend. We had been on several dates before and neither of us knew what we were. All we needed was a little push and once we had that I could officially call you my boyfriend. My caring, adoring and loving boyfriend.

Spending all day with your and just you was amazing and I couldn’t have imagined a better way to spend it and I hope our 4 year anniversary date was up to your expectations.

Honestly Lando, there are not enough words in the English language (even with my knowledge) to describe how much you mean to me and you do not know enough French for me to even try and attempt that. I’ll give it a go in English… Not long after we started dating the whole Anthoine thing happened and you stuck by me and was the one to get me back in the car the following day. Every year on the anniversary of one of their deaths you always make sure you are with me no matter what and I really do appreciate it. When you crashed in 2021 in spa I remember my heart stopping when my team told me that you had crashed and I didn’t calm down until I saw you once again and in that moment I knew that you were the only person in the world for me. You are the person who never fails to make me smile and laugh and the person I always myself searching for. If I make a joke I look around for you to see if you’re laughing or smiling because I know I can always count on you. When I win all I care about is you and seeing if you are proud of me. The moments that we are on the podium together are my favourite.

Lando Norris. I love you more than anybody can comprehend. I have loved you for 4 years and I will love you for many more. For as long as you let me love you for. ❤️

👥 landonorris

view all 6291 comments

landonorris Charles. This is so sweet and soppy. I love you too however I now have to change my caption to meet this level.

charles_leclerc You’re welcome. What were you going to put ‘happy 4 years to this idiot’?

landonorris Obviously and now I can’t or I seem like a horrible boyfriend

charles_leclerc I look forward to your new caption

pierregasly Comprehend… That’s a big word for you

charles_leclerc Not the only big thing I know 😉

charles_leclerc There was another one I wanted to use but didn’t know how to spell it

landonorris Do either of you think before posting comments? Ever?

pierregasly You cannot talk with half of the comments you make

landonorris Touché (see I know French)

charles_leclerc 🙄

pierregasly 🙄

carlossainz55 I bet you Lando is currently a pouting but also blushing mess

charles_leclerc Your guess is correct

charles_leclerc He started pouting more and mumbled that he hates us both

carlossainz55 Tell him that I love him too 😂

landonorris SCREW YOU. I HATE YOU.

carlossainz55 I love you too cabrón

carlossainz55 Also, congratulations on 4 years together

charles_leclerc Thanks Carlos. Lando says thank you too for pushing us together

landonorris DON’T GIVE HIM THAT RECOGNITION HE DOESN’T DESERVE IT!

lorenzotl Happy 4 years to the both of you! Papa would be so proud of you and adore Lando (he’s probably be papas favourite son)

charles_leclerc Thanks Lorenzo!

landonorris Of course I would be. I’m everybody’s favourite 😇

landonorris Maybe that wasn’t the best emoji since we are talking about your dead father

landonorris Maybe I shouldn’t have pointed that out

lorenzotl Don’t worry Lando, after 4 years we’re used to you freaking out over things like this and then just keep apologising

landonorris

liked by maxverstappen1, maxfewtrell, charles_leclerc and others

landonorris Screw you Charles for making such a nice post on our 4 year anniversary because now I feel like I have to write something long and meaningful about you and we all know I’m no good with words.

Thank you for these past 4 years, they’ve been amazing. In 2019 I thought that driving that McLaren car would be the best thing that could’ve happened but a couple months or so into the season I was apparently proved wrong. I was just this shy, nervous-wreak who looked about 12 and you were... well you were you and I never thought that you would ever like me like that. All of our outings before you officially asked me out I thought were just you being friendly before Carlos actually knocked some sense into me. I don't know why you stuck around when I was doing that awkward flirting and the terrible joke but I'm actually glad you did. You will never be able to understand how much you mean to me and how much you have actually helped me out. When I get stuck in my own head and don’t want to let anyone in you’re the one person who manages to do so and help me out. You're honestly just amazing and probably the only person who can properly put up with my shit... I now feel sick after writing all of this. 🤢

Thanks for the amazing day that you had planned out it was better then I could've ever hoped for! Happy 4 years to this idiot!

P.s There is a no return policy so you're officially stuck with me forever.

👥 charles_leclerc

view all 4291 comments

charles_leclerc The awkward flirting and bad jokes... you're saying that like you don't still do that now

landonorris Wha?? My jokes are amazing

charles_leclerc Whatever you say mon amour ❤️❤️

georgerussell63 Who wrote this for you because is was obviously not you

landonorris I wrote it all myself with no help

alex_albon He called me crying begging me to help

georgerussell63 alex_albon makes sense

landonorris Stop bullying me in my own comments

carlossainz55 Glad I finally get the deserved recognition for getting the two of you together Cabrón

landonorris I guess you somewhat deserve it

carlossainz55 Without me you would be sad and alone

landonorris 🖕🏻I would not be sad and alone

carlossainz55 Whatever you say Cabrón

maxverstappen1 Could've chosen someone better to fall in love with 🤷🏻‍♂️

landonorris You love him really. Last time we were together and I quote ‘He’s good for you Lando, don't let him go or fuck it up.' Pressure much.

landonorris Also 'You may be one of my best mates but if you hurt him and fuck it up I will not hesitate to find the most torturous way to kill you'

maxverstappen1 Proof?

landonorris I have recordings

charles_leclerc He does. I've heard them. You've said a lot of nice things about me Maxy.

danielricciardo I've heard it too. Both recordings and first hand

maxverstappen1 And this is why I never say nice things

maxverstappen1 Happy for you both though

maxverstappen1 I swear though if any of you fuck it up there will be no body for the police to find and you will suffer greatly

[morg-among-the-stars]

Everything Under Control, Growing into Autistic Young Adulthood

I’m turning 20 this year, I live at home. I’m working through community college and planning to transfer to a four-year school.

It’s set quite clearly what my pathway is: get good grades, transfer, live at home until I graduate college.

Then, I can start to branch out into proper independence, maybe live on my own, or sort out living with my partner, something of the sort. It’ll be my decision.

I’m passive in discussing it all. In the loving words of my girlfriend, I don’t seem “too jazzed about it.”

And they’re right.

I’m passive for a reason, I’m letting it go on by me because what I want doesn’t make much sense, at least to my parents.

In a completely ideal world, I would work a library job and be able to write on the side, maybe free-lance or journaling, I haven’t decided.

But I can’t tell a person I’m an English major without the dreaded, “Oh, so you want to be a teacher!” talk (I’m not discrediting teachers, we need them! It’s just… always the first thing people think when anyone says they’re pursuing English, and my parents don’t help with that, necessarily).

I’m held back in redundant ways because I’m on the spectrum. I wasn’t trusted to cook until recently, just as one example. Recently. I’m going to be 20 this year.

I’m second guessed constantly, even about things I know as facts. My own interests are a big one, anything I say about my own special interests, my parents have my sister fact-check. You wouldn’t fact check a mechanic about cars, would you? Why are you fact checking my knowledge? (The ironic thing is that outside of my family, I’m completely respected in my knowledge. My good friend @turniptitaness jokingly calls me the Ambassador for The Politician, and while that title is said in a joking manner, I’m at least not second guessed in a thing I’m known for knowing a lot about. That’s only one example.)

I have to walk this line, too, this line between “too autistic” and “not autistic enough.” Which is hard, because I’m autistic no matter what. I’ve learned quickly that stimming or infodumping are frowned upon in my home, so I don’t do them. But that bites me in the ass because then I’m “barely autistic,” whatever that means. There’s a redundant measurement of my autism that’s been put on to me.

By other people. I don’t even get a say in my own autism advocacy or my own autistic joy, because in my house, autistic joy rarely exists. It’s only ever brought up as a negative. “Morgan struggles in school, she’s autistic.”

The writing achievements I’ve gained throughout school, for example, even when being about special interests, have nothing to do with autism. But they do, inherently. Writing an analytical paper about a special interest, recalling scenes from memory, was due to my intense passion.

It’s a terrible line to walk. I have to take pride in not having accommodations because it helps me to “blend in” more.

No one has considered whether I really care about blending in, appearing “normal.”

To a degree, of course I do. Of course I want to present myself in a respectful way.

But I, me, Morgan in my own mind, do not care if I get weird looks from people if I stim.

I don’t care if I “look autistic.” I am autistic. There is no look.

In myself, I’m proud of talking about it. I don’t want to hide it.

And I’m not going to lie, I have moments of sensory overload, sometimes bad sensory days in total. Where I wake up and can feel so viscerally uncomfortable in my own skin that I don’t want to get out of bed and become overwhelmed by the smallest of things.

But I can’t express that, either. When my disability, is disabling, I can’t talk about it.

Walk that fine line.

Everything under control.

A lot of it out of my control.

When it’s my life at the end of the day.

[damonjuicyscock]

Playlist-Chapter 11: Acquiesce (90s Noel Gallagher X Reader)

Pairing: 90s Noel Gallagher X Reader

Warnings: language, a bit violent (a cricket bat if you know what I mean) a few spelling mistakes, maybe.

Words: 1681 (it's a bit shorter than usual, on purpose ;))

Summary: Oasis are in Rockfield Studios to record their second album. It goes well until Liam fucks up...

A/N: Heya Y'all ! Here's chapter 11 ! I hope you will like it. I chose Acquiesce as the song of the chapter to make it a bit ironic, knowing what happens in the chapter. I won't be publishing next weekend, I won't be at home. I'm going to spend Christmas with some members of my family, and I intend so enjoy this time with them.

Love y'all, have a BEAUTIFUL and SPECIAL Christmas and take care of yourselves !

Enjoy !

“Because we need each other We believe in one another And I know we're going to uncover What's sleepin' in our soul Because we need each other We believe in one another I know we're going to uncover What's sleepin' in our soul What's sleepin' in our soul».

In January 1995, Oasis fired Tony. The man was often fucking up during gigs, so they chose another drummer. That’s where Alan White, or Whitey as we all call him, made its appearance. And even if I was sad for Tony who had become a friend, Whitey was far better than him.

And he would be a great help for the new album. Because everyone, except him and I, was on cocaine or drunk most of the time, and he was really a great drummer.

May 14th 1995-Rockfield Studios:

Here we were in May 1995, in one of the studios that had welcomed good rock bands. Oasis were becoming iconic.

For what would become (What’s the story) Morning Glory?, Noel was constantly composing and writing lyrics until very late. Oasis were recording a song per day. Sometimes, I had to stop Noel for him to rest.

Though we also had good moments, like when we were playing football, when we watched the Blackburn vs Liverpool match, where everyone went crazy, like Liam who was playing with the extinguisher. It was our way of cheering, to have a laugh. Weird, but fun. After the match, Liam went to the pub. It was on May 14th 1995. I perfectly remember it, because this same night, Liam fucked up.

Noel and I were in studio. As per usual, he was writing a song, while I was smoking a joint, drinking a cup of tea and listening to music through the radio. At a moment, the radio broadcast Blur songs with the famous game “Whoever calls first wins tickets for a forthcoming concert.

I hated Girls and boys, Parklife wasn’t bad, but I liked To the end. I imagined myself dancing a slow with Noel. I unconsciously started to hum the melody, and I didn’t feel Noel’s gaze on me until the second chorus of the song and took my headphones off my ears.

What? I asked

Ye’re humming, I can’t concentrate. Even more when it’s a fucking Blur song. He answered

Oh soz. Huh… Don’t think I’m a Blur fan. I just like this one.

Ye’ve got the right to like what ye like. But I’ll start worrying when I’ll hear ye sing Girls and boys.

If it ever happens, kill me please. I said, laughing

Count on me. He chuckled

What’s the song’s name now? I said, indicating his guitar with my head

Champagne Supernova.

I’m all ears.

Noel smiled and played what he already had written.

I don’t know what you mean by “slowly walking down the hall, faster than a cannonball” but I love it.

I don’t know what the fuck it means either, but I think it sounds great.

He put his guitar aside, holding out his arms to me. I put my headphones down, and I approached him and sat on his lap. He wrapped his arms around me before kissing me.

I’m proud of you, you know that? I said

Oh yea? I work hard, me.

Yeah. And I also think you work too much. You better let me take care of you on your birthday.

I’ll let ye do whatever ye want. He answered

And I could even start now… I said, seductively, putting my hand on his crotch

Oh, do it then…

But we didn’t have the time to even start, because Liam was back from the pub and I heard multiple voices, meaning it wasn’t alone.

He entered the room, followed by a man and two girls.

And here’s our kid, the chief and genius of this band.

What the fuck Liam?! Noel said

Uh-oh… I said

I stood up, so did Noel. They started arguing. Noel was furious. Liam wasn’t supposed to bring anyone here. So I approached his guests.

Guys, the party’s over, let’s go out.

They nodded and followed me outside.

I’m soz guys. It’s just that Liam isn’t supposed to bring anyone here. It’s Oasis’s workplace, and the band prefers to keep things private. But don’t worry, you’ll soon have an album to listen to, they work hard for this.

Thank you. We’re sorry, we didn’t know… Liam invited us to come, so we followed. The man said

You couldn’t have known. But here’s a thing for you, if ever cross Liam’s path again and he’s drunk. Don’t follow him. He’s a nice and cool lad but tends to do some bullshit when he downed a few pints. And at least, you’ll avoid Noel’s anger. He’s not angry at you, he loves his fans, but he needs privacy when making an album.

We understand. Thank you for telling us kindly. One of the girls answered

That’s perfectly normal.

They left, and I started walking back to the studio. As I was about to walk past the window, it shattered in front of me, the extinguisher flying through it and landing at my feet, making me scream in surprise.

Me guitar ye fucking knob! Noel shouted

Uh-oh… I said again, this time to myself

I ran back into the studio, trying to make my way through the mess and all the broken stuff, finding the brothers punching each other.

Hey, stop this! I shouted

They didn’t, and Noel grabbed what was close to him: a cricket bat. And just like that, he hit Liam over the head with it. Liam was stunned, and he fainted.

Noel! I yelled

He’s finally off me arse. Come on, let’s go!

Whitey who heard noises entered the room.

What the fuck happened here? He asked

I’ll tell ye, grab the car keys, we’re leaving. Noel said

No we’re not! We have to take Liam to the hospital! I answered, panicked, in front of Liam’s unanimated body

He’ll get over it. Come on before he wakes up, are ye comin’ or not? Noel said

No! Noel, we… we can’t go and leave him like this! You might have hurt him real bad!

I started giving gentle slaps on Liam’s cheek.

Did you hear m… I started

But Noel had left at the moment he heard my no. I heard the car engine start. Liam regained consciousness, and as if he was a fucking cyborg, he got up, and did like his brother. He jumped out the broken window, grabbed a dust bin and threw it at the car that was now leaving.

Ye fuckin’ coward! He yelled

I joined him outside.

Damn right, he’s one. I answered

Liam yelled like a 4-year-old in surprise when he saw me, causing me to yell with him as well.

Fer fuck’s sake, ye scared the shit out of me Y/N, I thought ye left with him.

I was next to you, you dumbass! Didn’t you see me when you woke up in Robocop mode?

No I fucking didn’t. And I’m no fucking Robocop, it’s just adrenaline!

I can believe that! You leapt to your feet and literally sprinted towards the car without a care in the world.

Soz Y/N.

It’s okay. Are you well? I asked, worried for him

Me head hurts.

Come on, let’s put some ice on this head.

*

Here. Put this on your head. I said, handing him a tea towel full of ice cubes

Thank ye. He answered, taking it and putting it on his head

It’s bad enough you don’t have a lot of brain cells, and that cricket bat probably didn’t do you any good.

Ha-ha, very funny Y/N.

To be serious, what has fucking got into you Li’? You knew it would make him furious. Why did you do that?

I wanted to have fun with me fans, me. I’m a man of the people.

I can understand that but bringing them to the studio clearly wasn’t the best idea.

I know.

You should slow down on pints and cocaine Li’. It doesn’t help you. You’re often fucking up because of that. And I’m only telling you because you’re like my little brother. And because Noel clearly isn’t the one who’s going to tell you this.

Ye might be right. Thank ye fer caring Y/N.

It’s okay. Now how about I roll us a joint, we smoke it, and we clean up this mess?

Good idea.

And tomorrow, our kid will hear me. Don’t worry about it.

*

May 15th 1995:

I was having breakfast when I heard a car come closer. I put my cinnamon roll on the table, swallowed what was left of it in my mouth and went outside. Noel and Whitey were back. And the worst thing in all that, is that they acted as if nothing happened. I crossed my arms together and waited for Noel to approach me.

Heya love! He said, coming to kiss me

I slapped him.

You fucking idiot! I yelled at him

OUCH! He answered, his hand on his cheek

Your little brother could have died! What were you thinking?! Happily it’s nothing serious, it’ll only feel like a hangover, but it could have been! Did you think about that Noel?!

Listen, I’m soz okay ? But he broke me guitar and he pissed me off!

And so? Is that a reason to smash a cricket bat on his head and leave like a fucking thief?

Huh… no…

You’re smarter than that Noel, come on! Don’t you ever do something like that ever again, understood? I softened

Yeah, I learned me lesson.

You better.

[samuraisharkie]

due to Life Shit I kind of stopped drawing much about a year or two after I graduated high school bc I just kind of didn’t have the time or mental/emotional/physical capacity to fit it in, despite art being something I really want to be a part of my career. It kind of makes me sick to realize how much muscle memory I lost just from that time (I had only about a year and a half total of absolutely no art but that was enough. doesn’t help that during that time I seriously injured my hands) considering I’ve been drawing my entire life. I really wish things had not gone that way and that I could have kept going, but expectations were on me to do something else and any time I sat down to draw was treated as wasting time. There’s also something weird about recovering from severe trauma that kind of adjusts how you engage with a hobby you used as a coping mechanism, which Art very much was. I almost never drew vent art, but I used it to focus on something and make myself happy and proud of work I actually could do, and once I was out of the environments that funneled me into drawing (being forced to go to church, school, anything involving sitting down for a long period of time) I found less time to actually have an excuse. Someone bought me a single college course of art classes right out of high school, and I think that was where I COULD have had the opportunity to really get started if I had actually had the money to continue and the college hadn’t been so far away. After that course ended I didn’t have that excuse anymore. I used to draw in DeviantArt and Discord art groups, but those began to fall apart and soon I didn’t have that option either. After that I doodled but didn’t really create Full Pieces unless some friend asked it of me, and it was never a commission bc I’d never trained myself to get that sort of shit done without taking too long, so I’d always do it for free. So even that wasn’t a big motivator eventually. Now that I’m struggling for work after becoming more physically disabled after COVID, all that time I could have spent honing my art skills so I could do SOMETHING with my art really is weighting down on me. I have the option to do freelance work, illustrations, pet commissions, even things like cards and cookies. I’ve seen these avenues open up for me gradually, but I’ve lost the skills I built up that I need to actually make something I’m proud of. I’ve taken to tracing old art to try and remember my thought process and my “style”… but my memory was bad BEFORE the covid, and it’s worse now, and my brain fog makes it hard to focus even if I could get back on the train of thought. I don’t remember the construction that would be in my mind’s eye. I barely can keep a clear vision in my mind’s eye anymore, worryingly. I never had a crystal clear imagination, it was always sort of abstract, but I could see the lines, I could construct a scene. Now I have to focus hard to get any sort of detail clear in my head. It’s like if you tried to look directly into someone’s face in a dream, or put in a prompt in neural blender. So I have to adjust to performing the entire thought process physically, slowly and tediously trying to figure out what I’m imagining before I can really get started. Those old art tutorials for constructing shapes and bodies and such just aren’t coming naturally anymore so I have to dredge deep into my mind to remember which advice helped “click” the best and knowing it might not do it this second time around. It’s like if you forgot how to ride a bike. It was something natural to you, you could even get started haphazardly and distracted and still be able to tell where you were going and not fall over or trip on yourself, but now it’s like you have to focus on each step and it constantly feels like it’s taking everything you have to not crash. I’m glad I can start drawing again, but it hurts that something so huge in my life has been turned into this. I’ve ranted about it before it’s just easier to notice when you’re not sketching out people’s pets or doing super stylized doodles.

[angrytreemarten]

I’m Starting a Thing

Specifically a fanfic

Specifically Mafiafell!Gaster X My version of the reader

Specifically the reader is a constantly exhausted, constantly drinking coffee, constantly bored, permanent RBF, unamused, loner, bitchy, smartass, and scruffy yet also kind, simple, unjudging, slow-paced, caring, funny, protective, animal loving, oddly smart, wise but doesn’t show it, and a weirdo

Specifically the reader is a legal age to drink (this is more important to the story than you might think)

Specifically this will be an interactive fic

Specifically that means it will run on comments

Spe- Im gonna stop that bit now. What I mean is comments will influence the story

No matter what they are about

Say if you commented “imagine if Y/N just said ‘I don’t take shit from nobody’ when he tried to give them his number”, I would find a way to put that in the story

If you committed something like “their ‘’friendship’’ is the epitome of ‘’Do you take constructive criticism? I only take cash or credit.’’ lol” I would find a way to put that in the story

If you commented something like “Not Y/N making fun of G for being noseless” I would find a way to put that in the story

If you commented something like “I’m confused what theF is happening” I would find a way to put that in the story

Alrightie

Let’s begin

It had been a long day, and Gaster just wanted a drink. As usual, everyone in Grillby’s left quickly at the sight of him. He sat down on a stool next to a drunk who looked to have fallen asleep, and not noticed him.

Gaster POV

I pulled out a cigarette. I reached into my coat pocket only to find a few stitches had come undone and left a hole the perfect size for my lighter to fall out. I grumbled. I noticed a purple glow in front of me.

“Grillby-“

I felt something tap my shoulder. I looked over to see the drunk was handing a lighter to me.

“Don’t bother him. You’re already causing enough damage by scaring off his patronage.”

I was taken aback. Did they know who I was? Even if they didn’t, they should sense the murderous aura my magic was giving, even as a human.

“Tsk. Thanks for the light.”

I lit the cigarette and took a deep breath in. It took me a few moments to notice the human had their chin propped up on their fist, and was staring at me. I turned my head slightly in their direction.

“See something you like?”

The human snorted.

“You fucking wish, ya dirty-minded asshat.”

I chuckled.

“Certainly taking some liberties, assuming I would want you of all people.”

“I think highly of myself. It’s nice having self-esteem. But I guess, you would know best.”

“I would, wouldn’t I? And as you have seen, many others think so as well. As soon as I came in, they knew to leave, else they disrupt my mood, and land themselves a one-way ticket to the pearly gates.”

“I doubt anyone at Grillby’s other than Grillby himself are gonna see heaven.”

Grillby’s flames went wild for a second. I noticed the place where his cheeks would be started glowing a light pink. Interesting. It seems the human made him flustered.

“If you knew Grilby as I did, you wouldn’t assume he’d go to heaven either.”

Grillby nodded.

“I’m no saint.”

“Neither is this asshole.”

The human gestured to me. I took another drag of my cigarette.

“You know, the only reason why I haven’t killed you, is because you gave me a light. But I could easily overlook that.”

The human smiled. It was an oddly pleasant smile. One that made me feel a bit better about everything.

“The only request I have if you do, is for you to kill me in an ally far away from Grillby’s. I’d hate for my favorite monster to lose business just because I couldn’t die anywhere else.”

I sat there, staring at them. I burst into laughter. Once I managed to calm myself into chuckling, I looked back at them.

“You amuse me, human. Consider that something to be proud of. It’s very rare I laugh like that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[in-my-feels-probably]

Hi, congrats on 1.5k!! If it’s not too much trouble, can I request a Grishaverse (Your choice of SoC or SaB) romance for option 2? My pronouns are he/they/she, and any gender/character is okay! As for info about myself, i constantly dye my hair, I like to read romance and fantasy books, I’m about 5’5, I definitely spend too much time daydreaming about random things, I’m really into musical theatre, I’m not very organized, and I’m pretty much living proof of honors burnout lol. Thanks so much and Congrats again!!

hi!

thanks for participating :)

i ship you with jesper!

jesper knows all about that honors burnout. he made it through like a semester of university and decided it wasn’t for him, and ran off to the barrel. he’s an incredibly talented and smart person, he just doesn’t having the patience for academics. still, the transition from that kind of life into the life of the barrel must have been a hard adjustment. what motivated him then is a lot different than what motivates him now, and he certainly has different interests. when you’d go through that transition, he’d be there too. he’d understand and support whatever path you decided to take. it wouldn’t matter where you ended up, he’d be proud of you either way.

jesper is definitely a chaotic person. he thrives on spontaneity and adventure. he’s never organized, and he’s fine with it. i do think he would enjoy the arts. i think he’s definitely a lot more artsy and performance talented than academically talented, so he’d be happy to indulge your musical theater hobby. i don’t think he’s much of a reader, but i do think fantasy would really fascinate him. and he’d take any excuse to talk to you really, so hearing about your books you were reading would be one of his favorite conversations starters. after a long day, he’d want to sit with you while you read to him to unwind.

—

on a mission, jesper would drive the group absolutely nuts with his humming and singing. kaz would be ready to take him out by the third time around he was singing the same song while you were waiting around for inej to scout out the area.

“jesper…quiet.”

his tone was deadly serious, but you couldn’t help but chuckle anyway. you’d quickly straighten up as kaz looked over at you, his face sour.

“you had to take him to the theater last week?”

you’d give him a sheepish smile, shrugging. “i wanted to see the play. i didn’t know he’d be able to recite the whole thing back to front by the end of it.”

“it’s called taste, darling,” jesper would interrupt, grinning as he threw an arm around your shoulder and rested against you. “it’s art. pure talent—a jesper talent. you’re just jealous, boss.”

kaz would give you both a less than impressed looked before griping underneath his breath, walking around the corner to put some distance between you until inej got back. you’d turn to jesper once kaz was gone, chuckling as he grinned at you.

“it was a good play, wasn’t it?”

“it was,” jesper agreed, smiling down at you. “i don’t remember most of it to be honest, though. i was too busy looking at you.”

you’d roll your eyes, fighting the heat you could feel creeping up to your cheeks. “if that’s true, why have i heard that song come out of your mouth at least ten times a day since?”

“i don’t need to be watching to listen.”

you’d exhasperatedly sigh, leaning into his side. “that’s a shame. it really was a good play.”

he’d smile, reaching a hand down to play with a strand of your hair.

“if this goes well and we get paid, i’ll take you again to see it. i’ll even pay attention this time. hard to do when you’re sitting right next to me looking like that, but i’ll endure it just for you.”

he’d chuckle, making you laugh too. “how touching.”

“how disgusting,” you’d hear from around the corner—inej coming back with kaz at her side, a look of genuine annoyance on his face and a fake one of disgust on hers.

it only made you and jesper laugh harder.

—

thanks again for participating! i hope you liked this :)

[lazylogic]

TL;DR: I’ve let my online art presence and the internet as a whole become so weighty to me that I’m constantly having a meltdown over how the internet has changed and how I present myself online, so I’m cutting myself off from being an artist on the internet, because it seems like the only healthy option for me right now.

I think I need to stop posting online entirely. As drastic and melodramatic as that sounds, I’m spending time on an internet that I hate, wishing for an internet that no longer exists. I’ve repeatedly ~taken breaks from social media to try and detox~, and it does help in the short term, but eventually I just fall back into my “existential art crisis” and become anxious, stressed, and frustrated again, hating myself and hating every choice I’ve made up to this point. I’m happy when I draw at my own pace, but I’m quickly overwhelmed by the “I’m not posting enough so people won’t like me anymore” anxiety I get.

I know I’m like, the only one who feels this way, the only one who cares this much and takes art this seriously that I’ve let it crush me so much. For some reason my art and my ability to draw is so deeply ingrained in my identity and sense of self, and it’s become so monumentally important to me that it’s worn me down this much. But I know I’m not the only artist online who feels pressure to perform every day, who compares themself to others, who feels burnt out every month, and who is constantly fighting with the evolving technology and society that seems to be consistently designed to screw us. I know many have been able to adapt, and have done it smoothly, and I commend them and am incredibly happy for them. I’m proud to have happy and well-adjusted art peers! I can’t do that. I want to put in the effort to adapt, I have to many ideas to share and stories to tell, but I’m just…spent. Every time I try, it takes up all of my very limited energy, and I’m back to hibernation mode again. I am tired. I’m too small, sensitive and self-conscious to simply keep trucking along. My fragility makes every effort so painful. I really cannot do this anymore.

Posting my art online used to be fun. I loved connecting with people over fan art, OCs, gushing with other artists about each other’s creations, and getting love and support from people who found enjoyment in it. I used to get kind asks on Tumblr just complimenting my art or encouraging me when I posted a vent piece. Tumblr especially used to be my chill place. Most of those people, along with that happy and peaceful environment, are gone now. Old Tumblr is dead, old DeviantArt is gone, I feel detached from FA more than I ever have. Everything feels scattered and divided, and people are so jaded, which I really can’t blame anyone for. No matter where I go, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere anymore, and I don’t really want to be anywhere, either. I feel like I don’t even fit in with my own demographic, no matter what I try. I can’t emphasize enough that I’m trying to post for and enjoy an internet and online community that no longer exists. It’s my own fault for living in the past. Everything is far too fleeting now, engagement is king and constant streams of new content, as well as outrage, equals that. Everyone else seems to be able to change so readily with it, and I’m still stuck figuring things out from five years ago. I can’t seem to recognize or understand anyone anymore, either. I can’t keep up, and I don’t want to try to anymore.

I think what I wanted the most for my art was for it to resonate with people. It’s always been my favorite thing to do for fun, and it always made me so happy knowing my art made someone’s day better, even if it was just Hattie being silly or cute fan art. The idea that I could make someone breathe easier because I drew something soft and comforting is incredibly meaningful to me. But my art was always a powerful emotional outlet for me, too. I know my vent art would often dip into edgy territory, especially in my teenage years, and I withdrew from drawing vent art as a whole because I became too self-aware of it and I felt too exposed. But it was real, and it came from a real place and real emotions, and that’s still important to me. I feel emotions very strongly. I wanted to say something and be understood. And I guess that’s what I still want? To be understood, like anyone else would want, I guess.

I don’t even know what I want out of posting online anymore, or why I bother to check it. Every bit of engagement I get feels more empty than rewarding, and that discrepancy keeps growing. I hate it, because I know it’s because my brain has been trained to want more. I hate that I need more and more validation that people care about me via my art, because it used to be purely mine. And I want so much for it to just be mine again. It’s really felt like I’ve been drawing for everyone else for such a long time, and I guess that’s also my own fault. I feel trapped here. I really don’t enjoy drawing anymore, and I never get the urge to like I used to, and I cannot express how much that absolutely guts me. I always say social media is what ruined it for me, but I know that my participation in social media was my own choice, so I know I actually ruined it for myself.

I have a lot of work to do. I need to just get better as a person, fix my mental health, gain any semblance of self-worth so that I’m not breaking down every week over my value as an artist being synonymous with my value as a person (before you wonder, I am working with mental health professionals regularly now). I know I complain a LOT about the internet and how it’s changed, but I need to make it very clear that I don’t meant to put the blame solely on all of that for my mental state. I recognize that I just have a lot of issues and I make things harder for myself all the time. I’m chronically living in the past and unhappy with the present, and that’s 100% a me problem. This is the only move I can think of that will allow me to actually focus on getting my shit together; removing the option of being an online artist altogether. I can’t cheat and peek at Twitter and slowly make my way back after three weeks. While I’m at it, I will probably stop posting everywhere else too (not that I was really posting much anyway). I don’t want to say I’m leaving forever but I will say that I want no more expectations, I’m not gonna be posting anymore, basically until further notice. I have to figure my shit out for real. I’m not sure if this will even work, it might just make things worse for me. But I’m just at a loss and I feel like I need to do something. I don’t know if my absence from online art posting will cause me to miraculously enjoy drawing again and a year from now I’ll have a massive backlog to show everyone, I’ll be fixed and happy…I don’t know. I just know this isn’t for me, not right now.

I feel guilty doing this, because I have people who have been following me and supporting me for well over a decade, and I think you guys deserve better than this. It’s a big part of my motivation for doing this to begin with - I’m kind of ashamed to show myself to these awesome people every day, I feel like I owe everyone more than just my gratitude, but I haven’t been able to deliver consistent art or content in years. I feel like I'm letting so many people down every day, and ultimately I feel the same about leaving. But I need to get better first. I think about everyone all the time and feel so lucky and so stupid. I know it’s dramatic, but to everyone, thank you, and I’m sorry.

For anybody going, “it’s not that deep,” I’ve heard that plenty. This post isn’t for you.

I’m not completely disappearing from the internet. If you want to get into contact with me, you can add me on Discord at RealaChao#7312. I will still accept commissions privately for now, so just reach out to me (I’ll update my commissions Carrd site if I decide to close them). I won’t necessarily be deleting my accounts, but I will be logging out of everything at least and disabling notifications, so please don’t message me on Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr, or anywhere else expecting a reply. You can also email me at plutoeffoart@gmail.com. Lastly, my main focus these days has been my Neocities, so you’re welcome to check that out (though it's largely a draft right now). It’s not going to be an art site, though, at least not only art. It’s gonna be my quiet home.

I also posted this here. Genuinely, thanks for everything.

[playboynanners]

i wanna start off by telling u i am sorry!! i wanna tell u about all this crazy shit in my head, and want to open up and want to talk about my feelings but no matter what, i just cant make out the right words...? like it feels like cant properly put my thoughts and emotions into words i guess??

all i want to do right now is cry and scream and let it all out because its killing me inside. i cant take it anymore. i feel weird. i dont want to do anything. i always feel tired. i dont have any energy. a part of me broken. something is def weighing on my heart. i just feel so fucking suffocated. i feel like i am so far behind in life that i will never catch up. everyone is doing so many things with their lives. and i am just here. i really dont think i can do this its getting dark again. and im afraid. im too tired to carry on. i want MYSELF back bro is that too much to ask for? i deffff know its getting bad because even sleep and music dont help and i feel sick all the time and i just want to disappear. i really feel like there is no happy ending for me . thats why getting through the days is hard rayen i honestly from the bottom of my heart know its all for nothing. u guys are waiting for me to get over it, to finally do something with my life, and i know u guys are getting impatient. but what u guys dont know is that im already gone. i dont like who i am. there is nothing good about me. i am sick of wasting my time. i am worn out. i so fucking tired. the anxiety consumes me at times i feel like i cant breathe i cant think straight intrusive thoughts of self distraction consume my mind i am sooo fucking sick of this version of myself!!!!! im fucking tired of the poor choices i keep making. i truly believe i have hit rock bottom. this is the humblest i have ever been because my ego has nothing to be proud of. i know i knowww it is important to be gentle with myself but its also crucial to be honest. im not taking care of myself. im doing drugs, im on social media all day. i either dont eat healthy, or i dont eat at all. i dont exercise. i watch things that arent positive and go to sleep and wake up late. i am sick to my stomach as i write this. i just want to go up from here because i cant live this way anymore. i dont wanna live this way anymore. but like if you never felt like the way i do right now... the drained , depression . WORTHLESS feeling ... then u cant say shit about me "getting better starts with yourself bs" LIKE UH ? YEAH I HATE MYSELF AND DONT GIVE A FUCKKKKK ABOUT NUN SO WTF DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? like i honestly didnt even think i would be alive at my age i thought i wouldve been dead by 20 so u can only imagine how lost i feel lol. i dont know what to do with my life and i feel like im just wasting away most days. and i dont fucking know how to fix it. maybe this is my time for me and im supposed to be enjoying it for exactly what it is? like i dunno i just know i always fucking ruin EVERYTHINGGGG . i casually sabotage all my positive relationships with negative delusions because my life doesnt feel real unless something dramatic and destructive is constantly occurring. i really want to kill whats inside of my head. i hate living like this day after day. i just want my pain to end bro . i see how everyone looks at me like i’m a burden, how they fake concern only to switch up at me the next second. i don’t want to be this way, im so lost and alone and i just don’t see the point anymore. this is the loneliest i have ever felt. i don't have a shoulder to cry on when im sad, i have got legit no one to go to. i have noooo tears left to cry dude. my heart hurts so much. my insides are burning. i dont know how to help myself. i legitimately try and i make it worse. i wanna scream all this hurt and pain out. can i just lose my memory just so i can take a break from feeling this way? im not sure how long i can handle this alone anymore all honesty .

AND i wouldnt say im "addicted" to drugs and alcohol (JUST YET lol) butttt what i hate about liking them is that once you know how that high feels and the break from reality you get from everything you will FOREVER know how good it felt and thats the problem. u can be days, months, years of being clean. but i know when you quit its gonna be hard years down the road. i would take it alllll back and not start doing any of it. it turns from "just one time trying it" to "i promise this is the last time" but all honestly i dont know how to stop or be normal in this world sober anymore.

and to sum it alllll up i just want / need someone who can hug me and tell me that im not as worthless as i think i am i feel so fucking empty sometimes and its so exhausting to feel nothing and everything at the same time.

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Sacrificial Love vs. Cooperative Love

So my brother got married in July of 2019. And, like at many weddings, including mine and J’s, the ceremony featured scripture from the Christian Bible, from Paul’s first letter to the Corinthians. It’s even been included in several movies about weddings. Most people, whether they are Christian or not, have heard it, because it shows up in a lot of media. You know…

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”

I’ve always personally liked this passage, but as I sat at my brother’s wedding and heard the short speech about love that followed it, I began thinking about how love is often portrayed as sacrificial, and how many people, including me, honestly, hold up sacrificial love as the ‘best’ kind.

I think most people when they hear or read that passage up there, want to be on the receiving end of that kind of love. Sacrificial love…love that has no limits and never fails and never counts itself and never gets angry or keeps a record of wrongs. Most people see themselves as the cup filled up with that kind of love.

But growing up as a Christian, and in the house I was raised in, I was taught giving is better than receiving. Giving is honorable and good, while receiving is selfish and greedy. So I never saw myself as a cup; I saw myself as a pitcher…the one who pours out that kind of love to other people. And when I felt wronged or angry or like I wanted credit for something I did, I felt guilty, because I wasn’t loving that person enough. I wasn’t being a good enough pitcher to fill their cup with the right kind of pure, sacrificial love. Because I wanted to matter too sometimes.

But not only are those cliche self-care adages really true…if you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t take care of someone else; you have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help your seat mate with theirs; you can’t pour from an empty pitcher…you know… But also? Sometimes you won’t be able to provide the care you need for yourself. Sometimes you’ll be the person who needs help getting on your oxygen mask because you can’t do it. Sometimes you can’t fill your own pitcher. In fact, often, you can’t. At least I can’t.

The truth about me is, I can’t survive very long in a truly 'sacrificial love’ situation. Part of that is because that while I have reasonably healthy self-worth that I really am constantly working to improve upon, I just don’t love myself enough to be able to fill my own pitcher adequately enough to give the amount I feel I want and need to give to other people. And the other part of that is, I don’t want anyone to really be my pitcher either. I’ve never been particularly good at receiving love. I’m not a very good cup, because I always feel undeserving of anyone giving their pitcher’s contents to me. I’ve never really seen myself as someone who could receive and receive without giving back, particularly love as it’s described in that passage from First Corinthians. I think that some things I do SHOULD make J angry. He SHOULD care if I’ve wronged him or hurt him or made him feel bad and he SHOULD tell me about that or 'keep a record,’ so I can do a better job of loving him the way he needs. He SHOULD get credit and be appreciated for the things he does for me. And all of that should be vice versa. And not only with J. With The Boy. With my friends. With humanity as a whole. Yes, love is patient and kind. Yes, we all hope that love never fails. At least that it doesn’t rest permanently in failure, anyway. But I think most people take that passage and imagine themselves on the receiving end of that love with expectation that their partner, or friends, or children, or parents, or families love THEM with that kind of purely sacrificial love, and usually don’t consider that THEY are also expected to love people back that way. They’re looking at what they want to get or what they can get instead of what they have to give or what they can give. I almost always think/thought of that passage in the opposite way. I think about what I have to give and discount the fact that I should also be receiving that kind of love from other people who claim to believe in that passage. I no longer think sacrificial love is the 'best’ kind. In fact…I’m not even sure sacrificial love in regular practice IS love. Sure…the love Christ had for humankind in Christianity was real and great sacrificial love, and the love I have for J and The Boy could easily become sacrificial if called for. Of course I would care for them if they were sick or hurt or in need and they couldn’t give back to me. Of course I’d put their oxygen masks on for them. Of course I’d want to fill their cups from my pitcher. But when I am (or anyone is) doing all the pouring without a refill, pretty soon, there’s nothing left to pour. It’s unfair to expect a person to fill your cup constantly without refilling theirs.

With J, it’s different. We had that passage read at our wedding, just like my brother did…just like thousands of other weddings have had and will have read in the future. But what we really have is not sacrificial love (at least…I sure hope J doesn’t see it that way). I hope…and think…we have cooperative love. We’re both pitchers and we’re both cups.

[starkslove101]

CHAPTER 9: "Oh, that's awkward"

Ransom. 

2000.

I was laying in my bed. I couldn’t sleep and the sheets were all spread over my bed. I screamed into my pillow. I just want to sleep, I thought. I was way too overwhelmed to calm down. I just decided to get out of bed. I missed the quiet of my home. 

In this mansion, I couldn’t find the peace I was looking for. My home was small and cozy. I lived there with Jack. It was just us two and I always felt like a queen when I was with him. He’d place small kisses on my head or give me the tightest hugs. I missed him. For a year I hoped that something would come along and help me get back home. But it didn’t. Nothing was ever going to be the same. 

Before I could burst into tears I tried to shake it off and just go for a walk. I looked for shoes to put on and soon found a jacket. I put them on and walked out of the room. My chest felt so heavy but there was no place to go. Everything was different but the same. 

I made my way down the hall, straight to the elevator. As I pushed the button, Tony appeared out of nowhere. “Where are you going?” I jumped up. “Jesus” my hand moved to my chest. “I couldn’t sleep” I sighed. “I’m just going for a walk” the lights turned on. 

I squinted my eyes at the change of light. “Alone?” he asked. He grinned when he asked that. It felt like I got caught. In some way I was.  I Didn’t answer him. Tony grabbed his keys “let’s go, I’m not letting you go out alone” I shifted uncomfortably. There goes my peace and quiet, I thought. “I can take care of myself,,” I said. Tony smiled. “I know” he grinned. “I can’t sleep either, we can go grab something to eat” He was trying. “Okay” I gave in. My voice was soft. 

Tony grabbed a jacket as we finally made our way to his car. The car ride started of silently. Tony was constantly tapping on his steering wheel. “Speak or forever hold your peace” I spit. “Why couldn’t you sleep?” he asked. “I kept thinking about home,” I said, my voice soft. That heavy feeling in my chest returned. “Oh, i’m sorry” Tony’s voice laced with guilt. “It’s not your fault,” I said. “I know, it’s for my father, for what he did” I bit the inside of my cheek. 

“I don’t know what to say about that” I admitted. “I don’t expect you to say anything he just talked alot about you, he never stopped looking for you” I looked away, wiping away my tears. “I’m sorry” he apologised again. He placed his hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me. 

We finally got to a McDonalds. “What do you want?” Tony asked. “Milkshake” I simply answered. I wasn’t hungry. It wasn’t exactly how I pictured to spend my evening….

2012.

“It’s up to you if you want to get back in there,” Tony said. I thought about it for a minute. I smiled. “I think I’ll be fine” my voice filled with relief. “I’m the one who’s in control” I reassured myself. Steve and Tony looked at me with proud looks on their faces. I smiled again. I felt somewhat reborn. 

Soon I was standing in the room I stayed in 12 years ago. Everything was the way I left it. Steve walked in behind me with all of the stuff he brought with him hours ago. “What time it is?” I asked. J.A.R.V.I.S answered. “12 A.M.” only 5 hours had passed. “This feels like an eternity” I sighed. I fell on the bed. Steve laughed. “I’m sure it’s alright,” he said sitting down next to me. 

“Now you try going through your trauma and discover you have fire-scorching powers all in 5 hours,” I remarked. Steve scratched the back of his head. “I can’t catch a break, like ever” Steve laughed. “I know that feeling” he laid down next to me. “Maybe there’s a reason why we’re here,” Steve said. I sat up, shocked by what he just said. 

Steve looked down with a smile. “It’s just without you I would’ve probably lost my mind already” I shook my head with a laugh. “I am not laughing, Ransom,” he said in a serious tone. My shoulders fell. I instantly felt guilty. “Oh,” I had trouble finding my words. “I cannot be all that” I simply said. I was confused by what I just said. It didn’t make any sense. 

Steve laughed. “No, but you keep me sane” I just nodded. I hugged him. Pulling him tight to me. I looked up and met his eyes. Now I noticed how tired he was. I felt instantly guilty again. “God, please go sleep” he laughed again. “I’ll be joining you shortly” I smiled and finally got ready for bed. 

Not much later, he joined me. He was only wearing sweatpants. “Did I say how good you look, already?” He waved it away. “Oh, thank you” he kissed my cheek. “What a day” I sighed. “Yeah, I know” Steve pulled me closer to him. “It’s soo stupid, we build that cage for nothing” Steve chuckled. “I’m glad you don’t need it anymore” I bit the inside of my cheek. Steve noticed immediately. “Don’t break it off just yet, anything can happen”  I said. 

“Positive thoughts,” Steve said. “Mmm,” I hummed. “There’s so much I still don’t know” I confessed. I just wanted to know where I came from and who I truly am. I couldn’t do it like this. This was way beyond my pay grade, beyond mine. “Go sleep and we’ll dig further tomorrow” I nodded and finally laid my head on my pillow. I fell asleep almost immediately. I was soo exhausted.

The next morning I woke up around 6 AM. Steve was still snoring next to me. He was lying on my chest holding me tight. Damn. I wiggled my way out of his grip. 

I went to my closet and grabbed some jeans and a sweater. With my high-top shoes. I put on the clothes and ran out while I was putting my hair in a ponytail. I ran up to the elevator and made my way through the lobby. I sighed as I got outside without anyone seeing me. I walked to my car and got in. I drove off as soon as I got the car to start. I had no idea where I was driving. I needed answers....

I was driving for hours when I found myself crossing over to Arizona. As I kept driving, I slowly started figuring out where I was going I figured out that my answers were laying in Washington. Or at least some of them. I felt guilty for doing this to Steve and Tony. But I had to, they couldn’t help. 

Steve. 

I woke up around 8 AM. I went to reach for Ransom but she wasn’t there. Instantly I felt awake and sat up in bed. “Ransom?” I yelled, hoping she’d come out of the bathroom. When I got no answer I got up. At first, I thought she was downstairs having breakfast. I picked up a shirt and went downstairs. 

Tony was sitting in the kitchen drinking some coffee. “Good morning, sleeping beauty” Tony Joked. I wasn’t in the mood for this. “Did you see Ransom?” Tony frowned. “No, I thought she was with you”  he sat his mug down. “Maybe she’s in the lab” I ran down to the lab. I was pacing. No answer. 

Tony stood behind me. “Don’t worry maybe she’s out getting fresh air”  he tried reassuring me. “Call her”  he’s right. It’s something she would do. “Can I borrow your phone?” I asked sheepishly. Tony rolled his eyes and gave his phone. He had already dialed her number. I gave him a look. “Don’t look at me like that I’ve had her on speed dial since 1999” he remarked. 

The phone went over and over but she didn’t pick up. It went to voicemail. “Damn it” I cursed. “I think she took her car her keys aren’t here” I groaned in frustration. Tony sat down as he pulled up a screen. “She’s looking for answers” He simply said. As I looked something red pinged on the screen. “What’s that?” I plopped down next to him. Bewildered. “It’s the GPS in her car” I looked at him. I felt like we were intruding. “She’s halfway to Arizona right now” Tony simply said. 

He didn’t seem worried at all. I was trying to piece everything together. But I was struggling. “She’s going to Washington D.C.” I looked at Tony with nothing but confusion. “Give me a minute” Tony gave J.A.R.V.I.S some commands. What Jarvis pulled up, made me fall in my seat. “Peggy” I whispered. “That’s awkward,” Tony said. “I-” I was lost for words. I didn’t know she was still alive. “Makes sense why she would go there” Tony pulled me out of my ongoing thoughts. He stood up “Maybe, we should let her be, she’ll call if she needs us” I looked away for a minute. 

“Trust her” Tony reassured me again. He was right. I should trust her. “Can I just call her again?” Tony rolled his eyes. “Seriously, you’re pushing it,” Tony said agitatedly. “It’s the last time I promise.” He sighed and gave me his phone. 

I called her number. It rang. My heart was pounding. She picked up. “Ransom?” it was quiet for a second. “Steve” her voice was soft. “Are you okay?” I heard some shuffling on the other side. “I am, I’m sorry” I could hear the guilt drip from her voice. “I know it’s okay,” I said with a soft smile. “Where are you going?” Ransom laughed. “You know where I’m going, there’s a GPS in my car,” she remarked. 

I laughed. “I’m sorry” I knew she shook her head. “I need some answers, only she has them. The motor of the car stopped. “Do you need any money?” Tony yelled. “I have your card, I’m good” Tony’s eyes widened. He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket. As he didn’t find his card, started laughing. “Be careful on that plane” Tony said. 

“I will,” she said. “We’ll talk when you get back” “I’ll see you in a couple of days,” she said. “Bye” and with that, she hung up the phone. 

Next Part

[amistytown]

I’m going to let my feelings out because I’m overwhelmed with them, and I don’t know what to do.

Mentions of depression, anxiety, body issues, and disordered eating.

Seasonal depression is definitely hitting me hard. It’s nothing new. It feels like I have constant pmdd. Everything is terrible, and it’s difficult to think positively. I hate whining and spreading negativity, but it’s like I’m constantly warring with myself right now. I want to say it’s all in my head, but it’s easy to believe the worst :(

I was proud of myself for being able to work again after having such a difficult battle with anxiety. It made me feel very positively about my situation. Now I’m tired of walking and taking the bus and not being able to buy a car. Working part time and being paid so little is stressful. I’m afraid I’ll never have that 9-5 Monday to Friday office job I’ve always wanted. That I’ll never make enough to buy my own place again and take care of myself financially. I want it so bad, and I keep worrying I’m not good enough. I don’t have the personality or the smarts. I want to go back to school, but finances are, again, the issue. I don’t know what to do. I wish I could make a living off my writing or art, but I feel mediocre at best, and I know it’s not a realistic goal. I do like working at Barnes and Noble. I just wish I made a living wage.

I already have self-confidence issues. I’m trying to overcome them, but I’m dealing with years of trauma that have destroyed whatever confidence I had. I really want friends. I’d love a romantic partner one day. It seems impossible to me. I’m terrible at holding a conversation. I try so hard but people lose interest, and then I’m too afraid to keep trying. I know everyone is different, and I need to work on myself. I still have these moments where I doubt myself though, and it’s been worse during this depressive episode. I feel like I have nothing to offer, and if I deleted myself no one would care. I don’t want to die. It just makes me sad. I want to fit in. I hate feeling so alien. I know it’s partially my fault. I’m just so scared of being rejected again. I showed every part of myself to someone and it hurt so much when they tossed me aside like trash. The person I trusted and considered my best friend. And not because I think those around me are bad people, but because I feel like garbage who doesn’t deserve their friendship.

I’ve met a lot of amazing people too. I’m just constantly down on myself right now and talking has been difficult because of the way I view myself.

And I have all these thoughts in my head. They are crushing me right now. I want to talk to people about it, but I feel like an annoyance. I don’t want to bring people down with me. I don’t want to be a toxic person. I hate talking about myself. I always feel guilty. I should be stronger. I should be able to think positively and pull myself out of this hole. I don’t feel like a good friend or person. Then I want to isolate myself because I think I’m doing everyone else a favor. It’s so confusing.

I also haven’t talked about it here, but I have body dysmorphia, and it’s been a struggle. I restrict myself and I feel so bad about myself right now because I’m more hungry since I started working. It’s a physical job and I’m walking a lot so I need more calories, but if I eat more than usual I feel horrible. I will cry. The holidays are so bad because there’s so much more food. I want to enjoy it, but I get so stressed out after. All I’ve had to eat today is a blueberry muffin and I’m freaking out.

I have so many issues I just feel like a waste of everyone’s time. I wish I wasn’t like this. I’m broken, and I just want to be someone people like and bring happiness to them. I want to be accepted but I don’t want to put that on anyone either.

Sorry for ranting. It’s like everything is hitting me at once. Being treated poorly at work by customers isn’t helping either. Thanks to anyone who read this. I appreciate it.

[knight-riot-c]

Late Night Thoughts on NPD Parents

After embarking on my self healing journey, I have found that both of my parents appear to have NPD. It's a wonder that they stayed together as long as they did with how much they love to be the center of attention. Albeit my father seems to have traditional NPD and my mom covert NPD. I came to grips that my father has it easier than I did with my mother. However, today after yet another misunderstanding turned into a fight where I get called defensive for trying to explain my side, begging to be heard by someone, who as my bf so pointily put it: can't see beyond her nose in her own righteousness, I'm thinking this is my reality. There's more to this, of course. This is in the wake of little under a month of becoming estranged from my father due to his abuse becoming physical. I am taking the proper steps to ensure the abuse stops here. My mom was here for me though this, all of which I am grateful for. However, no good deed goes unpunished with her. She has a history of throwing it back at me later anything she does to help me. Expecting me to pay up as if each accordance of love is a transaction to be collected and used against me at a later use. Each instance that fights have happened, which is often as of late, my parents have told me, in one way or another that they are sorry, thinking it solves the problem. Never acknowledging anything they did, it's never sincere either. There is no integrity for them. No authenticity. Never following though on what they say their going to do. Constantly keeping me on with empty promises to do better. As they say, the best apology is changed behavior. As I sit and think of it, my mother gets mad at me for all off the thigs she does. The same with my father. I learned it all from them. I am just their little mirror. Though recently, in their own way they have told me that they don't like who I have become because it is no longer the daughter they want me to be. But I am who I want to be, finally. I am proud of myself, as they should be. But all they see is flaws. I've never been good enough for them and their appearance, simply, I will stop being their daughter until, if ever possible, they can do the inner work, facing their demons and healing to be better. I believe that is in all of us and that we are all capable. May be naïve of me to say and believe but were all unconscious until we aren't and operate from a place of separation and fear appearing as anger until we have healed and operating from love. Unless that was always the norm as a child. Though studies are beginning to show, I may be misquoting, but this is where things like hereditary diseases come in as well as neurobiological developmental disorders like ADHD and Autism. Generational trauma if you will. The cycle stops with me. Things that I have struggled with for the majority of my life, stealing so much time and enjoyment from a fulfilling life. I allowed for them to take those things from me for such a long time. I've now decided to choose something different for me and my current relationships and potential children/relationships. Though, I feel at such a loss of what to do. This seems to be something that I have tried to hold out hope for another outcome but realize that it may never happen. I am at a point where peace of mind and being content in my own life with my own relationships and dynamics that are healthy for me are of priority. Both parents never know how to accept that they could be at fault for something and I grew up often believing that the emotions and moods of ADULTS were mine, a child's, responsibility to fix. Not that they too are their own person's who are capable of choosing to stay stuck in their ways or of change. I have seen, too many a time of the former rather than the later. The latter I want, so I can have a healthy and happy relationship with them, as their adult daughter. I am still treated most times like a child, even though I am nearly 30 and have been living independently caring for myself for nearly 10 years at this point, even longer emotionally and socially. I'm not even sure on where to start to process through all of this. I guess mostly, I want some advice on how to move through this, heal from this, what my next steps could be, what's on the other side of healing from these wounds?

[mooifyourecows]

moo there’s so much to share !!!

first of all, spotify wrapped is out and the amount of joy brought to me by looking at yours is unmatchable. ALSO i don’t use spotify so mine isn’t annual BUT i checked my apple music replay today and i think it is so telling so i will put some pictures! (also for top artists my fifth is matt maeson but i messed up my picture because i was in class and distracted)

also !! thanksgiving !! saw that you made your dinner high and i think that is so fun , and glad you didn’t get hurt or anything ! i’m so spacey already i can’t imagine cooking while inebriated (does inebriated work for things other than alcohol? would intoxicated be the right word? i’ve always thought of it as intoxicated as drunk and inebriated as high)

thanksgiving was super fun this year , and i also cooked thanksgiving dinner ! not all of it of course , but i helped with everything but the turkey and did a couple things myself ! made the casseroles and stuffing and made pumpkin cheesecake and the pie filling for the pumpkin pie ! then the other stuff we made , mashed potatoes , sweet potatoes , and brussel sprouts that i helped with all of and we also made pecan pie and cornbread stuffing and greens and stuffed mushrooms. the desserts we made were a tart with maple custard pecan crust and apple roses (left) pumpkin cheesecake (middle left) pecan pie (middle right) and pumpkin pie (right) super proud of them

and i forgot everything else i wanted to say but i am also doing very well in school !! lowest grade is 87 (and a 17 but i am working on it i just have a very big missing assignment) and i am looking into colleges and majors and what colleges are good for each major so hopefully i can find some cool places to look into more !

i hope you’re doing well and enjoying the beginning of the holiday season !!

Matt Maeson and Bon Iver = great taste

(I don't listen to enough of mitski or loona to be able to tell if that = great taste but i assume it does)

i think inebriated is mostly used for drunk but i get you 👉 though in my experience, cooking while drunk is more dangerous than cooking while high. when i'm drunk, my pain tolerance gets too high and i'm way too off center so i am pretty much guaranteed to burn or cut myself. usually burn. i think i've burned myself on the stove or oven every single time i've drunk cooked. and i usually don't realize how bad it is until the next day so that's no bueno! don't drink and cook, unless you are not using harmful tools or have the supervision of a sober person! meanwhile when i'm cooking while high, it just takes me like… double or triple the amount of time to complete tasks because i constantly forget what i'm supposed to be doing, or get so enraptured in what i'm doing that everything else fades away and I've been doing the same thing for an hour when it was supposed to only take ten minutes

EITHER WAY, this is me being a responsible adult: don't do drugs or drink alcohol and then do potentially dangerous things

your food looks delicious babe, im glad you had fun and had lots of yummy stuff to eat 🖤

Congrats on your good grades too! good luck looking for schools and majors but make sure you don't stress out too much about that stuff. it's totally natural and expected that you change your mind about what you want to do. nobody should have to make a decision about the rest of their life when they're just a teenager! don't be afraid to test things out first, go to school undeclared for a few years if you want, just to try out different courses and learn where your true passions lie! There are so many jobs and fields out there that you don't even KNOW about when you're a teenager but could discover from just experimenting with classes that interest you. so don't feel like you gotta pick something and then stick to it for the rest of your life! Change your mind a million times, I highly encourage it 🖤🎉

thank you for the cute pup pictures 🌈