#but for each project like this I tend to prefer to have everything fully realized in my head before i start

[hellenhighwater]

Hmm....how hard can large scale mosaic possibly be? I feel like my plans for the room I'm working on could use something really shiny and impactful and maybe I want to make a fold-down cutting table and maybe I want to do it out of mosaic, even though that will be ungodly heavy.

It's a fun idea. I'm not sure if it's a good idea.

I haven't done mosaic since a one-off high school art class but I feel like the component skills are ones I already have, sooooo....

I have been keeping to a blue and gold celestial theme for both my guest room and my art workspaces, because if and when I move those spaces are likely to be combined. Cutting table, even though it would be for a different room, falls in the same vein, so I'm thinking something with a nice dark night sky and maybe some branches or leaves...

[jacquelinemerritt]

Another Confessional Essay

Originally posted June 21st, 2017

If you’ve ever read my writing before, you can probably tell that I’m not that not a fan of the “confessional essay” style that’s become immensely popular on the internet in the last few years. To be perfectly honest, except for a few rare instances where this style of essay is brilliantly crafted and fits the subject matter incredibly well, I tend to find these essays boring and lacking any real substance.

The exceptions that I love are generally essays that relate deeply personal experiences and tie them back effectively to a main point, as in people of color writing about their personal experience with racism, trans people describing their experiences growing up and how they discovered the truth about who they are, or abuse victims describing their experience with abuse and its effects on their lives.

The topic I need to write about fits the second of those three, and so despite not being a fan of the format, and despite preferring to keep my essays and my journaling eternally separate, I need to use the format. Because right now, I am stuck with a burning realization that I don’t know any other way to process: I don’t know how to be a woman.

Now, I’m going to follow that statement by making clear everything that I’m not saying by that. I am not saying that I’m not a woman, I am one and have always been one. I also do on a certain level know “how” to be a person who is accepted as a woman, and I know of many models for womanhood that I could embrace and follow if I desired.

But I don’t want to be any of those women.

The problem here isn’t that I don’t know of ways to be a woman, the problem is that I genuinely don’t know how I am supposed to be both myself and a woman, both in the sense of feeling that my own self is fully womanly and being able to be accepted as a woman without changing who I fundamentally am.

What’s ironic about this is that I have no such confusion about what kind of girl that I am. I know exactly who 6-year-old Jacqueline is, who 13-year-old Jacqueline is, who 16-year-old Jacqueline is. I can envision who I would’ve been growing up a girl at each of those ages, and when I need to feel more feminine, regressing my mind into one of those younger ages and embracing my girlish immaturity makes me feel more secure in my gender identity than anything else possibly can.

But I have no such retreat within my present. I genuinely don’t have a feminine adult headspace that I can turn to when I need to both feel like my adult self and a woman at the same time. Perhaps this is the dysphoric effect of living in a house for over half a year where no one will openly acknowledge your gender identity, and I’ve even arguably come close to creating such a headspace through the persona I’ve crafted for my work as an online tech support advisor, but that persona, as convincingly feminine as it usually is, breaks down whenever​ I need to analyze something critically, take charge of a situation, or even just feel any emotion that isn’t overwhelmingly positive.

More than that though, even in the space where I feel the most creatively free, writing criticism, I don’t feel like I’m able to convincingly write in my own voice and simultaneously write in a voice that makes me clearly appear to be a woman. Now, I’m not saying that all women writers sound a specific way, nor should they, all I am saying is that there are certain styles of writing that project femininity significantly better than others, and that those styles clash inherently with my own style of writing.

Take this essay, for instance. I’m attempting to write in as close to the style of the confessional essay as I can muster, but even with a topic as personal as this my tone has been rigid and commanding, and it only shows the frustration that I’m feeling, not the sadness, insecurity, or hopelessness that I’m feeling in genuinely not having a clue what I should do about it. A good confessional essay would’ve shown all those emotions through with its writing style, but my default writing style is taking over my ability to write here, and I sound nothing like the confessional essay I’m drawing inspiration from.

It’d be one thing if I just couldn’t adapt my writing style to another format though. I know my writing style is rigid, but in general I like the way it makes me come across. What upsets me though is that me not being able to adapt my style to function as a confessional essay means that I cannot adapt my writing style to a more “feminine” style of writing, even as I try to do so now.

If you don’t believe that, just ask yourself, each time I’ve mentioned confessional essays, who have you pictures as the authors?

I know that I’ve only been picturing women, or people close to women on the spectrum of gender.

Now think about everything I’ve written here, the writing style I’ve used, and the way I’ve presented my information​.

What voice have you been hearing in your head as you’ve read through it?

You don’t need to answer that.

It’s been a man’s voice.

And I don’t know how to change that.

Critical Eye Criticism is the work of Jacqueline Merritt, a trans woman, filmmaker, and critic. You can support her continued film criticism addiction on Patreon.

[trampledore]

So.. I am now going to explain why I have come to realise that I ship Sylki.

I know a lot of people don't like that ship and I totally understand why. In fact, I still prefer a sibling dynamic between them bc I ALWAYS prefer sibling dynamics. For me, those relationships feel much more profound and real, especially in the context of the MCU. That's probably one of the main reasons why I loved Black Widow so much. It had that awesome sisterly love between Yelena and Natasha.

In my opinion, as soon as it comes to romance in the MCU, it's underwhelming. Some relationships like Thor/Jane are there just for the sake of it, develop way too fast and without any good reason and leave me completely cold. Then there is the bad ass/dumb ass dynamic, where a kick ass woman falls in love with a guy who's unable to stay serious for more than 5 minutes; like Hope/Scott and Gamora/Quill. I kinda buy those, bc there is actually a development from "I hate him and his stupidity" to "I can stand him and am kinda fond of his antics". Those ships usually kinda grow on you and in the case of Gamora/Quill I actually buy that they deeply love each other.

Then there is Nat/Bruce...let's not talk about that...what the hell was that even. They never addressed it again after AoU...

And Pepper/Tony....which I know many people ship but I'm really not a fan of. With them it's a friends to lovers story. Cute, but tbh I never felt like they were truly romantically in love or anything. But that's just me.

The notable exception here is Wanda/Vision, which actually had a strong emotional impact on me in WandaVision and made Vision's death in Infinity War more heartbreaking, BUT it developed mainly off-screen and I could not have seen that coming in CA:CW. If it wasn't for their own series showing us Wanda's grief for him I would still be wondering "How did this happen?".

What I want to say is this: Almost every singly one of the canon MCU ships feels inconsequential and/or convenient to me. Like, with the exception of Gamora/Quill and Wanda/Vision I feel like all those couples could break up tomorrow and the characters would more or less easily get over it soon enough. Even if they are together, happy and somehow in love, I always feel like "this love story could have happened with another character as well. This was not his/her soulmate, they just learned to get along and then something started. If they had never met, that character could have ultimately found someone else".

NOW. With Sylki it's the first time that I feel like this is not the case. The series gives me the feeling that Sylvie might just be the only person in existence that Loki could ever truly love bc she accepts and understands him fully. If they had not met, neither of them would have found anyone who they would have loved equally (and I know Mobius/Loki is a dream team, but even with them I don't feel like they were really made for each other. In fan fiction perhaps, but as a canon ship?)

And beyond the plot obviously suggesting that they are fated for each other in some way (the nexus event on Lamentis), Sylvie and Loki seem really cute together. And I mean that as an objective fact. Their interactions in the 5. episode was made to look cute and project teenager awkwardness.

They seem to fit well together on an emotional level and they truly need each other. When I look at them I can actually see how they might be the perfect superhero duo.

So essentially, I feel like Sylki is a much more real and profound love story than what the MCU usually offers us.

On another note (and I don't wanna get too deep into that rn) there is the issue with this so-called self-cest, whether that is a thing or not.

Personally, I feel like Tumblr tends to oversexualize everything. Like, for all I care they will never have sex or even kiss. For me that is so completely unimportant for a love story...idk. like, I feel like the physical aspects is all the fandom thinks about...but guys, look at their emotional bond!!! If they weren't incidentally both born as Lokis they would be PERFECT together in all ways. Like...on an emotional level they ARE!

(Please note that this is basically me ranting and I don't expect anyone to share my opinion or agree with everything I said. I realize that some of this is quite controversial)

[glowingbadger]

Ok, I just read your Ashe and Ferdinand HCs….if you’re still doing the NSFW/SFW alphabet, can I get A, I, D, P, and W for them? Ty!

I'm not like actively promoting the alphabet prompts, but I'm definitely taking them when they come in! I think a lot of people have a character they love, but struggle to come up with a specific prompt or idea for me, so they help for that~ NSFW 18+ v

Ashe:

A (aftercare): This was actually one of the earlier prompts I was asked, so go take a look here if you like!

I (intimacy): For Ashe, the main purpose of sex is intimacy. He finds it difficult to be aroused for someone he doesn't deeply care for (I would perhaps qualify him as demisexual), so if he's sleeping with you, he wants to be intimate with you. He knows his fingers are a bit roughened from his bowstring, but his touch itself is so soft and tender and loving- and his hands wander quite a bit during sex, down your back, along the curve of your thighs, anywhere he can reach.

D (dirty secret): Once Ashe has fallen for you, you're more or less all he can think about when he masturbates. He feels terrible about this at first, and will even eventually confess it to you in bed- but with your permission, he'll indulge in extremely involved and well developed fantasies about you, even incorporating story-lines and dialogue as it comes to him. If you've told him you don't mind him pleasuring himself to thoughts of you, it's an enormous weight off his shoulders, and he finds it so easy to slip into erotic daydreams. He'll also replay past sexual encounters with you in his mind, memorizing tiny details about how you arched beneath him and sighed his name.

P (pace): He generally starts slow and steady, making sure to prioritize your comfort. Ashe is capable of quickies, but because of the emotional aspect of sexual intimacy for him, he prefers to take his time- at least at first. Most times, once he's fully sheathed inside of you and your bodies are finding a rhythm together, the pace picks up. His face flushes an adorable shade of pink as he moans your name and snaps his hips against you, fucking into your drooling hole just a little faster as time goes on, until you're both rocking against each other as you reach a mutual climax.

W (wild card): Ashe is absolutely the type to accidentally use the "L word" for the first time in bed. He meant to arrange something much more romantic, or at least something sweet and wholesome- but you just look absolutely radiant clinging to his bedsheets as you moan his name that the confession just spills from his lips. His hips buck against you over and over, and your body clings around him so perfectly, and he can't resist that adoring look in your eyes, and before he realizes it, he's rambling, "Ahh- Y/N, you're so perfect, you feel so good- I, I love you, Y/N, mmm-!"

Ferdinand:

A (aftercare): Ferdie views aftercare as a continuation of the joys of sexual intimacy, and puts as much effort into it as any other part of pleasing you. He'll clean you up while peppering your face and body with tender kisses, praising you all the while for how good you felt, how gorgeous you are, how deeply he loves you. Frankly, the aftercare even becomes more involved the more time goes on- if you don't talk him down, he'll end up with a collection of different scented massage oils, lit candles around his bed, and more.

I (intimacy): Naturally, his instinct is to be very intimate in bed. He's the picture of a noble gentleman, after all, so he'll hold you close to him and kiss you deeply and slowly as his manhood pushes into you. However, there is a part of Ferdie (very deeply repressed, I might add) that is capable of filthy, raunchy sex. It will take a very open minded partner and a long time into a relationship for this to surface, but you'll find with time that Ferdinand can be more varied and flexible in bed than you would have assumed.

D (dirty secret): Remember how I just said that Ferdinand can get filthy and raunchy? Yeah. A very fun game is to edge Ferdie, stroking the impressive length of his cock while goading him into confessing to fantasies of you tying him up, choking him, tugging his hair- and that's the more vanilla side of things, if you're willing to really indulge him. These fantasies usually tend toward him being the submissive party, but he's certainly also considered covering your body in his cum, or fucking into your mouth until he visibly bulges out against your throat. Basically, Ferdie is the catholic school girl who went wild when she went to college and realized that kink exists (projecting? Who, me?)

P (pace): Oh, Ferdie loves to take his time. Part of it is out of a sense of propriety- it seems brutish and ignoble to rush sexual gratification. Heavens forbid he become the kind of man to merely satisfy his own urges without taking proper care of his lover! However, he also enjoys so many aspects of foreplay, always happy to take the time to explore any positions you may like. He's always noticing more to adore about the process of maximizing your pleasure- everything from the way your nails drag through his hair to getting to feel your nipples harden against his lips- the little things really get him riled.

W (wild card): I did a W for Ferdie over here if you wanna see, in addition to the E and H prompts~

[frogtanii]

It’s wind anon! (Imagine me as the screeching seagull meme) just pushing through the week. Getting the test out of my mind—it just sucks because there’s always this one test that I completely mess up on—and as someone who has to deal with all honors classes and my grades tend to be good, every time I fail to meet up to expectations my stress skyrockets. (Imagine a world where grades don’t matter and school is learning based rather than mark based...) Family pressures too—okay, wind anon is done ranting.

The update! The drama—I was there the moment it updated and I saw the comments rush in and I was laughing real hard.

But my reaction to the update!

Osamu POV :0!!! The insecurity... “all it did was remind him that he was alone”— I empathize because gosh, that is so real.

The attachment to Meiko though... his emotional state is on a very unstable tightrope. “Osamu had Meiko and he used to have Daichi and Iwaizumi...” that entire section has all my red flags raised. He’s going to completely break when everything comes out.

The loud clang startled me though. I was like “!!!” But it was our YN! Our kind, wonderful YN!! Trying to get snacks wwwwww.

Osamu thinking YN is cute :0 I be having a lot of thoughts about that but him squishing it down is fair. He considers himself to be in a committed relationship (though Meiko does not reciprocate and I am ready to fight regarding that) but I can respect his devotion (even if it is very misguided).

But. “After all, you were the reason Atsumu hated him now and never spoke to him anymore.” My gosh. What do I even say about this? Because the blame is entirely thrown off. I mean, you mentioned before Atsumu had a specific reason for believing in you over Meiko so I’m still waiting for that but Osamu is thinking something wrong but it’s a human action. It’s so easy to blame people to make yourself feel better. And your brain can do it without you realizing the depths of what has been thought.

Osamu being angry (!!!) and being a complete utter douche. YN literally just wanted a bag of chips and you’re here, crowding them in the pantry and being hostile. I don’t have much to say about it because he realized his mistake but by then he already stressed YN really badly and I am...(long sigh).

Atsumu to the rescue. We appreciate Atsumu very very much in this house. It really sucks that Osamu and Atsumu are confronting like this—I mean, Atsumu has been fighting a bit and Osamu had not really been listening to Atsumu on his own end prior to this confrontation so I’m...exhausted and a bit sad in the “It can’t be helped” kind of way.

“Osamu allowed him to, too in shock and ashamed to protest, much less fight back.” It couldn’t be helped considering how everything developed but...it still hurts my chest a bit, y’know? And then Osamu tries to apologize and I’m ready (so so ready) for them to communicate because they desperately need to—

But then Meiko comes in (I am...ready to throw stuff at her. Lots of stuff. Packing peanuts. All squeaky and annoying and bad for the environment just like she is—or something like that, I dunno, I’m half dead because I’m dealing with cramps rn) and all my wishes for them to finally have that much needed conversation where Osamu can finally break down and cry—all my wishes are turned to ash like.

(Angry Wind anon noises)

Meiko rubbing her makeup all over Osamu’s shirt like he is a rag. What in the... And her 4 inch heels please, I cannot, why, I can’t deal with this, I can’t, don’t make me get close to her because I’m like Yachi (stressed out of my mind). Please don’t do this to me. But yeah, Meiko with her poor makeup that doesn’t stay on her face. What the heck....

And Meiko’s scent... gross. Like, brown sugar, cute, nice, baked goods do smell really nice, (ever add a bunch of vanilla extract to a recipe? It like, perfumes around everywhere, it’s insane and wonderful) but chances are (because it’s Meiko), it’s overbearingly sweet. Chinese food (I do not trust her taste in Chinese food to be frank), I happen to come from a Chinese family, I have Chinese food for dinner like everyday, it would take a lot to be able to get that sort of scent on you. And I do mean a lot. And hairspray??? Chemical? I do not,,, I,,, Osamu, why would you breathe that in? It’s gonna be real bad for your lungs? And we already know Meiko smokes as well—your lung health, please value it—

And then the Suna entrance. Wonderfully done fr0ggy!

Final thoughts, I am very much projecting onto Yachi rn. Yachi has been in the house for less than a week and she already has to deal with this. The company should give her a raise. My gosh.

Anyway, might as well do a thoughts/headcanon thing because it’s been a while and my mind is still on gem/jewel stuff (so hope you don’t mind!)

Okay, so Kenma I think would go with a warm colored gemstone, and citrine would work well with him! “Protection against evil thoughts” because we know Meiko has ramped up is insecurity and lowered his self-esteem.

I mentioned this before last time but Sakusa is definitely onyx. That black is iconic, and “sharpening wit” would make sense with his grace for word play and snark.

Akaashi is an interesting one...I think sapphire. I mean, sapphire can have many colors besides the classic dark blue, so that’s one thing, but it’s known for “loyalty and a pledge of trust” which Akaashi gave. I think it’s suitable for him.

Suga...initially I was thinking pearl would match him in terms of appearance, but actually looking at my reference, turquoise would work really really well with him. “Protect from evil, maintain virtue, bring good luck”. Would work well.

For Atsumu and Osamu I wanted something that could represent their duality. My first thought was gold and silver. I mean, it’d fit in terms of appearance but I’m not sure that would be the best comparison. Gold doesn’t rust so it fits Atsumu who never fell for Meiko’s tricks. Silver has been said to vanquish dark/evil beings (vampires, werewolves, the classic silver bullets and stakes). It would be interesting to see if the comparison will apply to today’s update :D!

I like how my brain shut off and couldn’t remember anyone else for a second—anyway, Oikawa... every time I think of him, I want some hue of blue wwww. I guess Aquamarine “soothing influence” would work. Since he joined YN’s side, he has been able to see the big picture and be a voice of reason. He’s thoughtful and I think aquamarine which encourages long relationships is suitable because that is what he wanted. So yes, aquamarine.

Bokuto...is a tough one. I’m trying to still keep with their color schemes a bit. I think carnelian would work. “Health, luck, bold energy, warmth, joy”—it would represent him fine. It’s a bit more orange than I would prefer but it suits him so I think it’s okay.

Iwaizumi... emerald? I mean, he does suit green tones, and “rebirth, regeneration, new hope” would work just fine for him.

Right now my brain is complete mush and I can’t think of anything for Kuroo and Daichi. Like, Kuroo would be red, sure, but the more famous ruby/garnet I think don’t represent him fully because he is still rather contained. Hmm, would need to think about them more.

But I’d like your thoughts on this too :D!!

I wanna do something suitable for all colors for YN, so opal! YN has many different parts and colors and is overall a very vivid person—if you tilt opal, you see more and more faces and things underneath being brought into your eyes. YN may be seen from many different perspectives, but YN is always beautiful and amazing. So opal is what I think YN would be.

Anyway, I’ll end here :D! Need to eat lunch. Much love towards you fr0ggy! Make sure you eat and rest up too~ drink some water or any other fluid to hydrate! And keep warm too. Much love to all the fans and supporters and ask senders too! It’s really awesome seeing and hearing from all of you and seeing new faces with the old. Love the excitement and points you all bring up—makes my brain happy.

MAJDKD I NEED TO POST THE NEW CHAPTER BUT I HAD TO RESPOND TO THIS FIRST BESTIE ILY N I LOVE TUIS — I AM OBSESSED W THE CRYSTAL (??) STUFF??? IVE NEVER UNDERSTOOD IT BUT I THINK YOIVE EXPLAINED EACH GEM N WHY SO BEAUTIFULLY I AM IN LOVE W U KITH KITH UR SO LOVELY HAVE AN AMAZING DAY (sending u good vibes n anti-stress love >333)

[bigskydreaming]

This isn't a meme thing or anything but I was wondering if you had a top ten favorite characters from books? I actually end up getting a lot of good book recs from reading your blog so I was just curious lol.

LOL I wasn't going to do this ask because I was like ugh I suck at top ten lists because I can never pick just ten. But then I thought about it for like, five whole seconds and realized I DO have ten standout characters in answer to this so its like oh hey, learned something new about myself today! Lmao.

Anyway, in no particular order:

1) Anyanwu - from Wild Seed by Octavia Butler - Can not stress how like fucking...formative Anyanwu's character was for me as an abused kid who first read this when I was like 12. The book heavily deals with the back and forth across centuries between these two immortals, Anyanwu and Doro, as Doro basically tries to control her every which way he can, and Anyanwu just defies him at every turn, and it just....you love to see it. She's a bad-ass and I adore her.

2) Prince Corwin and Merle Corey/Merlin - from Chronicles of Amber by Roger Zelazny - Yes I'm cheating but its me so you should have seen that coming. Another fave series from when I was in middle school, its ten books in total, and the first five are in Corwin's POV and the second five are in the POV of his son Merle/Merlin. So I maintain it counts. And is fine. Shhh, let it go, Elsa said so. ANYWAY, I actually probably like Merle better than his dad, because I mean, lbr, Corwin is a total asshole. But he's MY asshole, y'know? Wait, that came out wrong. Don't quote me there. But you know what I mean. Merle is a lot more level-headed, and quick-witted I think, and I like his supporting cast of relatives who want to kill him and he sometimes want to kill more than his dad's supporting cast of relatives who want to kill him and he always wants to kill, but like. Both are Valid. Also shout out to Fiona and Rinaldo, with a side shout out to Flora, who are probably my next three favorites from the series. Dara would be up there too but she knows what she did.

3) Elric/Corum/Dorian/etc - from the Eternal Champion books by Michael Moorcock - Look I'm already cheating so why not continue on a theme. But basically this counts too, I'm just saying. See Michael Moorcock's big project going all the way back to the 60s was he created a fantasy multiverse of different dimensions where this one Eternal Champion, meant to balance the scales between the Lords of Law and the Lords of Chaos, like, is reborn over and over again in different incarnations but who are all essentially him. So Elric of Melnibone, Dorian Hawkmoon, Corum I can never remember his last name.....they're all essentially the same guy.....but they're all at the same time very very very different, and they have extremely different storylines. But I maintain if you're gonna read one you kinda gotta just read them all, all Pokemon like and such forth, because the real beauty of these books is seeing the familiar traces of the Eternal Champion threaded through each of these incarnations but also contrasting how different they are from each other and like, looking at what makes them so different each time and how much it stems from their environment and situations, etc.

4) Civet - from the Dragons of the Inland Sea series by Laurence Yep - This is a kids' series, like for ages 10-12 kinda, but easily my favorite from when I was a kid. I reread them so many times, and I love pretty much all the characters from Shimmer to Thorn to Monkey, but Civet was always a standout. She's essentially a tragic character and her ending is bittersweet, but like.....she fully knows who she is and what she's about and makes no apologies for that, and she ends on exactly the note she wants to. Like, her story and her characterization was pretty damn dark for such a young-aimed series, but that's part of what drew me to it, it managed to capture the tone it set out to convey but in a completely age-appropriate way, and in an era when most books aimed at kids dumbed down most of their story concepts and themes, this one was refreshing for just being....real. Despite being blatantly fantasy. Also the Boneless King is one of the best villains ever, despite being deliberately over the top a lot of the times....idk what it was about him, but he was just chilling.

5) Jack the Bodiless and Diamond Mask - from the Galactic Milieu series by Julian May - These are linked as well because they're a couple and their stories intertwine so much that there's no real point in separating them y'know? That's my story and I'm sticking to it. But anyway, they're a weird choice for me because Julian May is hit or miss for me overall....I HATE her Saga of the Pliocene Epic, which is technically in the same universe as her Galactic Milieu series, but they have totally different vibes and the latter series doesn't contain any of the elements from the Saga of the Pliocene that I loathe, so it just works. Plus it has Jack and Diamond Mask, and like.....I don't actually know why I love them so much? They're just so different from pretty much any other characters I've ever read. Like, May does a lot of really high concept stuff across the board, but Jack and Diamond Mask are like.....high concept character wise? If that makes sense? Its okay if it doesn't. I'm literally just spitting words out here. Honestly, its hard to say anything specific about them because so much of their characters conceptually just doesn't make sense without knowing the in-universe concepts that led to them even existing, but like. They're weird and off the wall but still astoundingly human for all that and I love them.

6) Naomi Nagata - from the Expanse books by James S. A. Corey - I mean, if you've seen me ramble all the Naomi love in my live-watches of The Expanse TV show, this should be no surprise, but my love for her in the books like, exists manifold. She's great in both, but the books cover so much more content-wise, that her character has so much more room to breathe and be explored in all kinds of directions the TV show never touches on. The funny thing is, I actually prefer the TV characterizations overall....I think the authors of the books are actually pretty shit at characterization a lot of the time, but the basic thread of Naomi's character is consistent and the sheer abundance of story material she has in the books like.....keeps me going back to them even just for her. Her conflict with Marco in the books in particular just has so much more depth than in the show....like, I don't hate the show's version at all, anyone who's seen my posts there knows that lol, and I'm not actually even sure which version I actually like more in terms of that particular storyline.....but I just love that both versions are so different, while still being recognizably the same, y'know? I don't even know. Nobody knows. Its a mystery. Just nod and say yes, shh, its fine.

7) Locke Lamora - from The Lies of Locke Lamora/The Gentleman Bastards series by Scott Lynch. This is an odd one for me, because in one sense Locke is a very contrived archetypal character from an author that doesn't always pull it off as successfully as I feel he thinks he does.....like, what I mean is Locke is inherently that type of character that is SUPPOSED to push buttons and straddle a line between likable and unlikable....and to be fair, that is VERY hard to pull off without at least some of the time falling on the wrong side of that line and alienating at least some readers. But there's something very genuine or sincere feeling about the character underneath all that, which is ironic for a character who is an acknowledged pathological liar and hardly ever tells the truth....like I said, its an odd one for me because I can't actually put my finger on what makes this particular character work for me when so many similar characters just bug the crap out of me.

8) Damien - from Black Sun Rising/The Coldfire trilogy by C. S. Friedman - This one is a whole fucking lie because I don't actually even like Damien that much lmao, but the thing is, I don't have a particular fondness for any of the characters in this series? But I gotta put it on the list anyway because I just love the world in this series so much, and its practically a character in and of itself. Like, so this was a science fantasy series set on a distant planet in the future but otherwise steeped in fantasy archetypes about spirit creatures that only Adepts could see, and like, Fae and life energy and sorcery that had roots in scientific principles but was otherworldly all the same. And that's like.....all literally my jam, and so I can't deny that this series was very formative for me even if its not the best example of those concepts. Its just the one I tend to go back to the most in my mind, like....the world and its characters are very standout and larger than life for me, even if they don't specifically APPEAL to me? They're impactful all the same. Its another odd one. I'm odd. You just kinda gotta roll with it. Its a thing. Its factual.

9) Yeine Darr - from The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms by N. K. Jemisin - This was a tough one because I love literally everything by Jemisin and all her characters are just so....ooof. They're very very real, even in the most fantastical of settings. I have mad characterization envy every time I read her stuff, but like. Its so good. So really the struggle was picking one character or even two, because I mean, The Fifth Season and its sequels are easily her best known works and have a ton of fantastic characters, and I think her Dreamblood duology is vastly overlooked but in the end I had to go with The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms even if just cuz of nostalgia. Its the first of her works and when I first started reading her and so its just.....anyway, if I was gonna go with that, it had to be Yeine, because she's so central to everything and also just....fantastic. Nahadoth and Sieh are also standout characters who get mentioned a lot in talk of this trilogy, and they're both such big personalities that at times they kinda overshadow Yeine, but Yeine has such a compelling.....undercurrent to her that she never actually gets lost in the shuffle even when surrounded by all these larger than life gods, and just. You love to see it. I do anyway. And its my list so nyah. But also if you're gonna read Jemisin, read everything Jemisin. It just makes sense, y'know? Good for the pores.

10) Cayal and Arkady - from The Immortal Prince/The Tide Lords by Jennifer Fallon - All the other Tide Lords can rot, but Cayal is hilarious in a depressing way. He's a ten thousand year old immortal whose greatest wish is just to die, which is how he meets Arkady who is a historian who just wants to like....know everything he knows once she realizes he actually is the figure of legend he professes to be and is so mad at him for not really giving a shit about all the weight of history he's been present for, but Cayal's just like, umm, I LIVED it so that's why I don't care, I'm allowed to not care, that shit hurt. Did you miss the part where one of the other Tide Lords threw a fucking meteor at me? And Arkady, distinctly unimpressed, is just like....I thought YOU did that, to Jasper. And Cayal's like, no that doesn't sound right. And Arkady's just like, you literally JUST told me that story. And Cayal's like, huh. I must have been lying. I do that sometimes. And Arkady's like, I thought you never lie, that's your whole thing? And Cayal's like, ahah, but what if THAT was a lie too? And Arkady's just like, bitch I hate you so goddamn much, how are you the worst of all the Immortals while still the only one who will actually talk to me and answer my questions. Cayal's like, we may never know.

Anyway, there's my list but like there's a lot more obviously because I'm me, I don't do moderation, its against my religion, but also I have to stop some time and the ask was for ten and those were the ten that popped into my head so they must be the right ones! Probably. Until I change my mind at least.

[dangermousie]

2019 END OF YEAR KDrama Post

Wow, I haven’t made one in years. This is going to involve only dramas that came out in 2019 because I watched a hell of a lot dramas made prior to that and trying to figure out which ones will give me a headache.

DRAMAS WATCHED (In order of liking from most to least as opposed to pure quality; I am including if I’ve seen at least two eps AND feel it was enough to make up my mind; yes I realize that’s inaccurate, but that’s my list)

Extraordinary You -  A philosophy and religion course AND a love story, and perfect at both.

My Country - a brutal, passionate, intense masterpiece of a sageuk. This is how they should be.

Crash Landing On You - the two eps that have aired brought my joy in watching kdramas back to me so vividly. This is everything. 

Encounter - the perfect noona romance of the year for me. It seems to have little plot (powerful older woman, idealistic younger man) but the characters made me love them with an unhealthy amount of attachment and the mood is just perfect. 

Haechi - smart traditional sageuk with a heart. This one will make you love it but also respect it in the morning :)

Queen: Love and War - Period, romance, mystery, helpless king and feisty heroine. It’s everything I love in one package. 

Chocolate - if, like me, you like slow old-school melo with genuine grown-ups, this one is for you. Ha Ji Won and Yoon Kye Sang are both incandescent in this. 

One Spring Night - a rare slice of life that worked for me so so much. I rooted for the main OTP like crazy (I did skip all the sister stuff though because boring to me.) It’s just a breath of fresh air.

The Tale of Nokdu - a rare funny youth sageuk that worked for me (except, ironically, for when they tried to be politics-heavy and serious about it.) Wonderful OTP, funny situations and just generally a delight. 

Memories of the Alhambra - I can hear people screaming that I put this so high, but this is a faves ranking, not objective one, and I loved the unusual premise (it ultimately fell apart but it tried), and Hyun Bin’s performance was out of this world and the aaaaagnst and I enjoyed waiting for it each week until almost the end. That ending though!!!!!

Psychopath Diary - this is black comedy at its best and hysterical and smart and somehow got me invested in the hapless protagonist. 

Hotel del Luna - clever and funny and smart. Hong Sisters largely back to form. I found the sageuk parts more engaging than modern ones, but what else is new.

Search WWW - some parts of it worked for me more than others, but it had solid writing and cool characters and some interesting OTP(s). 

Love is Beautiful Life is Wonderful - has the weekend drama slowness but it lovely and fun. 

When the Camellia Blooms - it was well made and the OTP was great and the acting top notch, I just don’t tend to go gaga for slice of life dramas, especially ones involving market ladies, much. 

Flower Crew Joseon Marriage Agency - competently done, pretty period piece about nothing. It was enjoyable and forgettable at once.

Catch the Ghost - I put it as high as I did because the OTP really did have lovely chemistry but the story was a complete mess, the police work made no sense and the heroine’s character was like nails on a chalkboard for me.

Joseon Survival - I got about four episodes in and liked it a lot but then Kang Ji Hwan turned out to be a convicted rapist, they replaced the lead and I didn’t go back. I kind of want to because I liked what I saw and I am madly curious as to whether they changed the main character or just said he had a different face now, no explanation. 

The Last Empress - pure inconsistent trash but so entertaining!

Vagabond - I made it eight episodes in before I realized that I would have as much fun staring at traffic. It’s a competently done actioner but without more, actioners never work for me, so this was a viewer/drama mismatch.

Arthdal  Chronicles - incoherent, visually odd and boring, this is arguably the worst drama this year but I am giving it higher place because the cast really tries (even if it tends to fail because it has nothing to work with) and because it attempted something different even if it failed spectacularly. SO BAD.

Melting Me Softly - yes, my brain was fully melted by this soulless, charmless waste of Ji Chang Wook and my limited free time.

VIP - Any drama that makes the main mystery and thrust of the story who the husband cheated on his wife with is BORING. Seriously, this is not exactly Hercule Poirot. They wasted their cast - I have NO idea why Lee Sang Yoon agreed to be in this as a one note character and Jang Nara is playing a second scorned wife in a row but without even the entertainment value of her previous outing.

Abyss - aptly named. The best thing I can say about it is it didn’t offend me but oh boy was it dull.

Absolute Boyfriend - I loved the manga but it’s time to accept this can never be adapted well. They wasted the cast and that ending was just an insult on top of a trash heap.

The Lies Within - you cast that cast and deliberately have no romance. You are dead to me. 

Woman of 9.9 Billion - competently made, but it’s everything I dislike - dour unpleasant bored people behaving as if they are in a particularly dreary art-house French movie but without any nuance or interest the latter came provide. 

Love with Flaws - shrill, dumb, neither acted nor written by anyone trying at all. 

Rookie Historian Goo Hae Ryung - objectively, it’s not the worst drama on the list, but it’s everything I hate in one package - willfully ahistorical but not cleverly so, male lead incapable of acting, the characters so one-dimensional they disappear, this purports to be a period drama but about as period as a space ship. God, I loathed this. 

FAVORITE DRAMA

Extraordinary You - smart (so mind-bendingly smart) and moving and totally unpredictable and with so many things to say about free will and religion and self and nature of memory and narrative, this had an insane impossible premise and yet somehow managed to do it full justice and stick the landing. 

WORST DRAMA

People with Flaws - this is different from least favorite because even if I loathed e.g., Rookie Historian or Woman of 9.9 Billion, I recognized some positive features; it’s just certain things really rubbed me the wrong way due to personal preferences. But this shrill hot mess of a drama is really everything that’s wrong with dramaworld.

FAVORITE MALE CHARACTER

Prince Yeoning, Haechi - fiercely smart, strong, tormented by the duality of his birth (royal father, servant mother) but not letting this distract him from his purpose, loyal to the bone, and with integrity nothing can shake but where you can feel that it’s not easy and that it costs him.

FAVORITE FEMALE CHARACTER

Eun Dan Oh, Extraordinary You - a go-getter who remakes the world (literally); smart, cheerful, strong, beautifully human. She feels so real and yet is larger than anything around her. 

NEEDS TO BE MURDERED

Yi Seung Gye, My Country - a sociopath destroying lives in his quest for power and control, even the destruction of his own family barely gives him anything but momentary pause. He is the reason for the tragedy of MC. 

FAVORITE SHIP

Eun Dan Oh x Haru, Extraordinary You - their love is literally universe and god-defying. They have loved each other as different people in three separate worlds (and counting), and have defied loss of memory and even loss of self as well as death, the end of worlds, and their god and the narrative and literally anything and everything, to be together.

Runner Up: Soo Hyun x Jin Hyuk, Encounter: tender and decent and his bringing her back to vivid life and the way they love and support and compliment each other.  

Probably gonna be on list if doesn’t go haywire: Crash Landing on You: she is a SK heiress, he’s a NK officer, they have mad chemistry and so much potential.

NOTP:

Tae Mi x Morgan, Search WWW - love the actors, love the chemistry, love the characters in terms of the way they are written, but they are absolutely wrong for each other and there is no future of any sort but misery ahead. None of their issues are resolved but are swept under the rug. It’s a cautionary tale, not a romance. I did a long rant before so not repeating. 

BEST SECONDARY OTP

Scarlett x Ji Hwan, Search WWW - they stole the shippiness in the drama for me. Cooky and adorable and noona romance done right.

FAVORITE SCENE

Haru’s final disappearance, Extraordinary You - the lights start to go out, the world literally dissolving, Eun Oh and Haru clinging to each other, with his telling her she was his beginning and the end. His name, the one she gave him, is the last thing he hears. In a drama full of amazing scenes the very gist of which was defying the very creator and universe and meaning of existence, this was the one that stayed with me the most.

BIGGEST CRUSH

Seo Hwi, My Country - I have a thing for deeply honorable, deeply tortured period badasses with long hair and a death wish (see Choi Young in Faith etc.)

BEST SCENE STEALER CHARACTER

Yi Bang Won, My Country - he started out as an antihero and ended up as arguably a tragic villain (or maybe still an anti-hero) but oh boy, was he magnetic and fascinating and sucking out all the oxygen whenever he was in the scene.

NEEDS A SEQUEL

Memories of the Alhambra - WTF ending was that?! All that misery and no real resolution?! Dammit!

TROPE THAT NEEDS TO DIE

Youth Sageuk - I hate most of them! They are anachronistic and dumb and honestly, what is the point of having fully modern people in period clothes? Just make a modern show and call it a day.

BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT

Melting Me Softly - Ji Chang Wook’s first project back from the military was an unfunny, unmoving, pointless mess with not an ounce of genuine enjoyment despite the excellent pedigree of everyone involved in front and behind the camera.

Arthdal Chronicles - the makers made excellent Queen Seon Duk, Tree with Deep Roots and Six Flying Dragons. The cast was uniformly A grade. The result was an open-ended, boring, incoherent mess that looks like a bad sort of a drug trip and made about as much sense. 

BIGGEST GOOD SURPRISE

Extraordinary You - I had zero interest in yet another high school drama with no actors I recognized. By the end, EY was an emotional brainy twister of a marvel that became my favorite drama of all time. I’ve been watching dramas for over 13 years so that’s saying something.

2019 DRAMAS I HAVEN’T SEEN THAT I MOST WANT TO WATCH

The Crowned Clown - I love sageuks and cast and it looks so smart and emotional

Angel’s Last Mission: Love - my next contemporary - I watched a little and loved what I saw

Fates and Furies - I saw a few eps and classic melo is so up my alley.

Clean with a Passion for Now - I like the cast and it’s a year of falling for hot weird bosses apparently.

Graceful Family - I love makjang and Im Soo Jung.

The Secret Life of My Secretary - downmarket Beauty Inside and I loved BI.

Love Affairs in the Afternoon - artsy adultery FTW

Item - I don’t like crime stuff but I am here for Joo Ji Hoon.

My Strange Hero - seems a little cooky but I am fond of Yoo Seung Ho.

MOST ANTICIPATED IN 2020

King: the Eternal Monarch - Lee Min Ho and Woo Do Hwan and parallel worlds and written by Kim Eun Suk. Yes Please.

I should probably make one for cdramas too though that one would be rather shorter.

[itsmattsunshinehere]

Hello!! I was wondering if you could do a scenario with matsukawa and a shy reader? They get paired up for a project and matsukawa has never spoken to her bc she’s always quiet but as he gets to know her, he finds out she’s actually really funny bc she sends memes and they eventually fall in love 🤧 abit cliche but I’d love it 👉🏼👈🏼

Of course I can! I love Mattsun, so I’m always happy to write something with my sweet angel :)

I didn’t know how to put memes so there aren’t any BUT actually there are some nerdy jokes (wich I adore), like really really bad jokes. I kinda have the feeling Matsukawa only know these lmao, he’s dumb (BUT WE LOVE HIM). I hope it’s okay for you, please don’t hate me.

Thanks for your request, hope you like it! 😘💘

-L

*･゜ﾟ･*:.｡..｡.:*･*:.｡. .｡.:*･゜ﾟ･*

A Change of Heart.

Matsukawa Issei x reader

synopsis: Matsukawa has never spoken to you, but something changes after you two being paired together for a school project.

word count: 2.1 K

tags: fluff

~~~

Matsukawa Issei. Of all the possible people, he was the last of your classmates you thought you could be paired with for group project. You don't have any problems with him, you don't find him annoying or anything else, it’s just that sometimes you forget about the presence of some of your classmates, Matsukawa included: you are a shy girl and you almost never talk during lessons; you often get distracted thinking about your own business, it is normal for you to not notice the people you don’t talk to, even more if they tend to be as quite as you.

On his side, even Issei hasn’t noticed you, too busy sleeping a few desks away from you: the night before he went to bed late, staying up until one o'clock only to play computer games with some friends.

Anyway, he's your science project partner and you can't do anything about it, even if you prefer to work alone and organize everything to your liking all by yourself, you'll have to collaborate with him and as you, even the guy agrees that for the sake of your GPA it will be essential to try to get along and cooperate. That's why at the end of the class, before your math teacher arrives, your project partner comes to your desk.

"Good morning Matsukawa-san." You greet him shyly, his height puts you slightly in awe, you’ve never noticed how tall he actually is.

"’Morning Y/N-san, apparently we are project companions." He replies to you yawning a little distracted, without looking too sure on what he’s saying; you get the impression that he would like to have been paired with someone else, probably one of his friends, but you try not to pay too much attention to your thoughts.

"Yes, that's correct." You nod looking at him again with a patient smile on your lips.

"I thought that maybe we could exchange our phone numbers to organize on what to do and when to see each other." The boy still keeps his eyes away from yours not looking at you but rather looking up at two of your classmates who are throwing a ball just a few feet from you. You smile at him once more and take your agenda, ripping off a sheet, and after writing some numbers, you give it to him.

"Here to you, I am almost always free every afternoon after six. How about starting in two days, maybe this Wednesday? Is it okay for you?" you ask him, and after thinking about it for a few minutes, as if he were consulting his own agenda mentally, the boy in front of you nods and after greeting you, he turns back to his desk.

You didn't think there were people quieter than you. Or maybe he thinks you’re boring. But what could you have done to him to make you so annoying? You put aside your bad thoughts and focus on the rest of the lessons, more concerned about your grades than the idea that your partner has of you. Of course, sometimes you tend to have no self-esteem, not trusting you’re decisions, but having never spoken to him, he has no reason to hate you, so you don't worry too much about what he might think of you.

But while you don't care about his thoughts, Issei can't say the same for himself: he's curious about what kind of girl you are, what a hobby you have... Why are you only free after six?? Are you in any club? Would you like to go to college? Are you moving to Tokyo next year as most of your classmates? He'd like to ask you so many questions, you intrigue him in a certain way, and he can't deny that you're a pretty girl. He finds adorable how you carry the pencil on your lips every time you stare at the sky out the window.

The two days pass fast, and from Monday you are almost immediately to Wednesday afternoon in the library, you waiting for him at the table on the corner and he who has to run because, due to Oikawa and his obsession with improving the whole team’s service, he is definitely late. The boy looks out the door of the room and rushes you to a table near the windows, listening to music with headphones in your ears and studying some subject. He joins you, slowing down the pace trying not to make any noise.

"Y/N-san." He calls you whispering, but you don't hear him, which is why he tries to get your attention by touching your arm as he sits by your side and you gasp surprised, causing him to giggle.

"I'm sorry if I scared you." You look at the boy with a gentle smile, moving your hand and telling him that he doesn’t have to worry.

“It's nothing, I was doing chemistry homework for tomorrow, but I can't calculate the reaction and find the name of this binary salt.” You say giving up your homework, changing the page of the book and taking the section assigned to you for your work.

"You know chemists are great solving problems? They have all the solutions." Matsukawa replay with a smile, taking your notebook and looking at what you've written.

"I tried telling a chemistry joke once, but I got no reaction." You watch the boy with a grin as Matsukawa lifts his head up surprised, definitely not expecting a joke from you, but you instead look at him laughing at his expression and Matsukawa gives you a sincere smile chuckling.

Time passes quickly as you organize your project and decide what and how to expose it to your classmates. You divide your work and begin your research together, each one giving his own contribution to the other, to try to make it better and giving a sense to what you are doing. When you look at the phone you realize that it is now seven and a half o'clock in the evening and you inform your project partner, who nods and you two begin to pick up your books. Matsukawa is faster than you, so waits for you at the library entrance.

"Y/N-san, I wanted to ask you a question." He tells you while he’s walking by your side, and you can't help but think about how many centimeters there are between you two. You nod kindly with your head.

"How come you never talk? You're funny." He asks you a little hesitantly, and you think for a second about what to answer. You don't know that either, it's not that you don't have any friends, it’s just that you're not the kind of person who starts a conversation. You have no problem talking to others, you just don't like to take the first step.

"Sorry, maybe I was too rude." Matsukawa says softly, worried that he has maybe offended you in some way, but you shake your head with a smile, trying to make him understand that he didn't do anything wrong.

"No don't worry. I can't give you an answer, I think it's just my character. I'm a very shy girl and I tend to stand all by myself, but I've never had a problem talking to people. Once I know someone, I have no problem opening up." you answer him by giving him yet another smile of the day.

Matsukawa looks at you as you walk past him and reach the school gate: part of him that morning had been convinced that he would be bored with you, he felt like you were a serious person, unable to make jokes or something similar. Yet you have happily surprised him, showing a side of your character that you keep secret and that maybe you only show to your closest friends. He feels a bit special.

You reach the gate and you greet him by according to meet at Friday at the same time and so on the following Monday, ending up meeting on those three days every week throughout the entire month, in the library at six in the afternoon.

It has become a habit for you, as well as exchanging messages, during lessons or in your free time. You start spending more and more time together, on lunch breaks you join Matsukawa with his friends in the school canteen, having fun joking with Hanamaki. Matsukawa feels that something has changed. He understands that he has started looking at you differently, seeing you always beautiful and always happy. He understands it from how he has started to notice details on your face; that little mole on your chin, how you tie your hair when you're focused on some math exercise.

A change in his heart.

He starts to think that yours are no longer just moments where you study, but that they are slowly evolving into something more intimate, much more like dating, where you joke and talk about anything. As you tell him how you would like to travel the world, he tells you about the few places he has visited abroad; while you talk to him about the reading club you're a part of, he tells you about his passion for volleyball and his dream of going to the Nationals tournament with his team. You unravel your secrets to each other, without fear, fully trusting each other.

Until one day, when Iwaizumi seeing him smiling atone of your message suggests him something, a particular idea that remains stuck in his head for days.

"You should ask her out." The ace tells him with conviction and the middle blocker looks at him doubtful, not too convinced that you may be interested in dating him.

"Definitely, you can’t take your eyes off her and you're always distracted. Push your pride aside and make the first move before someone takes her away from you." Hanamaki speaks by sitting on the bench next to him and taking a sip from his water bottle. Matsukawa bursts into laughter, though he can't deny that a certain annoying feeling has awakened in him. Maybe jealousy? Impossible, unless...?

The days pass and the date of the presentation of your project approaches, until you arrive at the last Friday before you have to expose your work in front of the whole class, Iwaizumi's words have not yet disappeared from Issei’s mind, as well as those of Hanamaki. What if someone realizes what a beautiful person you are and asks you out? Maybe he should make a move, or maybe they just told him to annoy him... he walks through the corridors until you reach the library that you have been frequented for just over a month. He sees you sitted in your usual place with the usual headphones in your ears and the usual chemistry notebook under your eyes.

He comes near you, moving the chair next to you and sitting to your right and you as always don't even notice him, too caught up in what you're doing. He touches your arm and as always you gasp, quickly turning towards him, while Matsukawa giggles for your reaction. You tongue out and punch him on his shoulder.

"You know you scare my Issei!" you scold him while once again the boy next to you takes your notebook and looks at what's wrong with your equations, remembering when few minutes before you text him that you couldn't do anything.

"Here you go. You miscalculated." Matsukawa answers by giving you back your notebook.

"Forget hydrogen, you're my number one element!" you smile him while he giggles a bit.

"Oh, it's that time of the day where we tell each other stupid chemistry jokes?" he asks you chuckling and you nod happily.

"Well I hope you love science, because tonight we are going to have a chemical reaction." The boy immediately answers you and you can't hold back a laugh, getting the attention of the last remaining students that like you are study and the librarian, who throws you glances from behind her desk. Embarrassed, you apologize and look over Matsukawa, while the boy has a sip of water.

"How about you ask me out first?" you whisper him, blushing instantly, and the boy almost chokes with water and begins coughing, while you try to help him, this time you're the one giggling for the other’s reaction.

Once calmed down, Matsukawa looks up at you, as red as you. Did you really say that? He tries to think of what to answer quickly, not wanting to waste the opportunity.

"There’s a Cafe where they make delicious pancakes." He proposes you embarrassed and you look at him happy, beginning to pick up your books under Matsukawa's eye.

"It’d be amazing." You stand up slowly, sticking your hand out with a smile. Matsukawa copies your movements and gets up taking his backpack. He squeezes your hand with a wink.

“Let’s go.”

[missmentelle]

I just watched the Netflix show You and it's been discussed but I don't really understand - in a relationship, how does one project their own views and fantasies onto another person? How can you tell if it's happening? Is there a certain point where it's normal or it can't be helped? It's happened a lot in the show but I'm having trouble identifying it. Also, I recommend watching You: it's a thoughtful take on how we view romantic relationships as a society and how that can be twisted

I absolutely love that show.  For those of you who haven’t seen the thriller show “You”, it’s about a charismatic but underachieving man named Joe who works as the manager at a bookstore in Manhattan. He meets a young grad student named Beck when she comes into his bookstore one afternoon, and is immediately infatuated with her; he is completely consumed by his desire for a relationship with her, and it becomes clear very quickly that he’s willing to go to extreme lengths to make it happen.  (Mild spoilers for Season One ahead) Joe is obsessed with Beck from the moment he lays eyes on her. But of course, he’s not really obsessed with her - he is obsessed with the person that he wants her to be. He decides - based only on her clothes, the book she buys and a three-minute conversation with her - that she’s a bookish “good girl” and an intellectual, a serious writer who values real literature and doesn’t crave men’s attention. And he’s very interested in that. She’s his Manic Pixie Dream Grad Student, whether she likes it or not. It’s clear from the very beginning that Joe thinks extremely highly of himself, and he feels entitled to a woman who is just as intelligent and sophisticated as he is - when he looks at Beck, he decides that she’s that perfect girl he’s been waiting for all along. Moreover, he decides that she’s equally interested in him - she pays for her book with a credit card, and Joe decides that she did that because she intentionally wanted Joe to learn her full name. And of course, as Joe learns more about Beck, he discovers that she’s not the artsy, aloof writer he had been envisioning in his head. She goes out drinking with friends that Joe dislikes, she has a trashy boyfriend, she posts selfies on Instagram, and doesn’t actually do any writing. But instead of deciding “oh wow, I was super wrong about this girl, I definitely got carried away”, Joe decides that the REAL Beck is the girl he fantasized about in the bookstore, and that she just needs his help to realize it. He decides that he knows what’s best for a woman who is a complete stranger to him, deliberately manipulating her life to turn her into more of the person he wants her to be, until... well, you know how it ends. 

When you first start watching You, it can be hard to understand how messed-up Joe actually is. He is the main character of the show, and the narrator. He is also capable of great kindness - he genuinely cares for the neglected child who lives in an abusive household next door - and it kinda feels like we’re supposed to root for him. After all, he just wants what’s best for Beck. He sees who she really is inside, and he knows that she deserves better than the life she has right now. He just wants her to reach her full potential and stop wasting time with people who don’t really care about her... what could be so bad about that?

The problem, of course, is that Joe doesn’t know jack shit about Beck, and he has no right to decide what is and isn’t good for her. She is a grown-ass woman, and he is a stranger she met at a bookstore. Joe claims to have good intentions, but his intentions aren’t the point here - nobody has the right to meddle in someone else’s life behind their back, no matter how much they love and care about them. When you truly care about someone, you respect their choices - Joe has absolutely no respect for the decisions Beck makes, and sees no issues with isolating, stalking and terrorizing her if it gets him what he wants. Joe claims that Beck is miserable, but we don’t know actually know that - he filters everything he sees through a very thick lens of his own self-interest. He doesn’t allow her basic autonomy to choose what matters to her. Beck is not actually a real person to Joe - she is a prize that he wants to win.

Think about the show from Beck’s perspective - you’re an adult, with your own whole, complete life. You have friends, dreams, a boyfriend, guilty pleasures. You make bad choices sometimes, sure, but they are YOUR choices, and you have the freedom to make them. And then you walk into a shop one day and the man behind the counter suddenly decides that you’re his soulmate and it’s now his job to make decisions for you. You barely know this guy, but he thinks he has the right to control your life - he wants to control who you date, who you talk to, and how you spend your time. Imagine doing something as ordinary as paying for a book with your credit card, and having the person behind the counter interpret this as evidence that you want them to Google you and come to your house. The very idea of it is terrifying. 

The plot of You is obviously a huge dramatization, but the same dynamic does appear in real-life abusive relationships. Abusers often have very specific ideas about what their ideal partner should be like, and they believe - consciously or unconsciously - that they are “owed” this person. When they meet someone, they tend to decide extremely quickly that THIS is finally the person they’ve been waiting for all along. They don’t really feel the need to get to know the person as an individual - they assume that they already know everything they need to know about the person, and that the relationship will be effortless. When that inevitably doesn’t pan out because their partner is a real person with needs and flaws, they get angry and the abuse starts to come out - they try harder and harder to control their partner and force them back into being the perfect person they’d envisioned, and they lash out angrily when that doesn’t work. 

Although it’s nowhere near as extreme as what happened in You, I’ve had my own experiences with dating someone who was projecting their fantasies on me. My long-term college boyfriend was several years older than me, and already finished with grad school while I was still an undergrad. As the relationship went on, it became very clear that he was looking for a meek, nerdy girl who would appreciate his geek interests but never try to overshadow him. He strongly encouraged me to do the nerdy thing he approved of - cosplaying, attending conventions, playing D&D - but didn’t want me wearing makeup (I wear winged liner every day of my life), dyeing my hair strange colours (which I used to do quite often as a student) or even wearing my contact lenses instead of glasses (I got contacts the moment I was old enough and haven’t been seen in my glasses since). He was hugely threatened by the fact that I took my academics seriously, and he freaked out when I was accepted to an Ivy League grad school because “it would be so humiliating to have a girlfriend who went to a better school than I did”. He had a very specific vision of the kind of girlfriend he wanted to have, and he was prepared to try to stamp out the parts of me that didn’t align with what he wanted.  It’s okay to have standards and expectations for the kind of partner you want to have. That’s normal. I’d argue that it’s necessary. Speaking from personal experience, life is a lot easier when you expect your partners to have mastered basic communication and coping skills. And sometimes you will need to look for a partner who has very specific traits - if your dream is to have 12 children and live on a goat farm, you need to find a partner who is on board with that goal. It’s also fine to have preferences in terms of aesthetics, interests and lifestyles - we’re always going to have certain things that we find appealing, and it’s okay to be into that. What’s not okay is to have such rigid expectations about how our future partner will look, dress and behave that we can’t cope with not getting our exact fantasy. It’s fine to think that dating a quirky art major with a nose ring would be awesome. It’s not fine to think that dating a quirky art major with a nose ring is the answer to all your problems. And it’s definitely not fine to latch on to the first quirky art major with a nose ring that you can find, and then punish them when they turn out to be a complex human with real issues and not just a living doll. Whenever you’re dating, it’s important to remember that you are dating a real, live human, and not a cartoon character. They are going to grow and change, and they are going to have flaws, off-days and traits that don’t match up with your fantasies. Your punky goth girlfriend is going to have days where she just wants to lounge around the house in her pajamas and watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. Your tough, manly lumberjack boyfriend might have a super sensitive gag reflex and spend an awful lot of time on the phone with his mom. We’re all weird, and each of us needs to have the freedom to be our own kind of weird in a relationship - if you find that your desire to be with someone is extremely dependent on their appearance, dress, weight, hobbies, friends, job, etc, and you can’t handle not having control over those things, you aren’t ready to date.  The other big red flag to look for here is how fast someone rushes the relationship. If you’re projecting your fantasies on someone, you don’t really feel much need to get to know them - like Joe, you’re pretty sure that you know everything that you need to know about them soon after meeting. You are fully expecting this person to be the fantasy partner you desire, and so there’s no point waiting to see how the relationship goes - within weeks, you’re ready to move in together, adopt a pet together, and even get engaged. If you’re convinced that a person you met three weeks ago is your soulmate, it’s time to stop and take a hard look at things - you don’t know a person you meet three weeks ago, and you have no idea if they’re your soulmate or not. You are trying to date a fantasy and not a real person.  Hope this answers your question! MM

[the-lincyclopedia]

First Story Lines

Thanks for the tag, @khashanakalashtar! 

Rules: List the first lines of your last 5-20 stories.  See if there are any patterns. Choose your favorite opening line. Then tag others!

I’m going from less recent to more recent, because I was too far in to switch when I realized that maybe it would have been better to go the other way. 

"The best thing about tonight's that we're not fighting," says Dex at last, sounding utterly wrung out. (“The Best Thing About Tonight’s That We’re Not Fighting”)

Holster’s known Ransom for under two months, so he can’t say for sure, but it seems like something’s wrong. (“Holster Gives Good Hugs”)

Will had planned it all out. (“too long i’ve been afraid (of losing love i guess i have lost)”)

Shitty hears yelling from the Reading Room during the first kegster of the year and texts Lardo to ask her to come babysit the tub so he can abandon the tub juice to go investigate. (“Intersections”)

Jack and Shitty talk about it, is the thing. (“Brightly, Enthusiastically, Giddily”)

“Jack. Jack!” Kent exclaims, rushing out onto the deck of the Zimmermanns’ lake place. (“Better”)

Back when Jack and Kent were in each other’s lives, they were really in each other’s lives. (“Reused Usernames and Revealing Playlists”)

Holster is kissing his way down Ransom’s stomach when Ransom goes entirely rigid for a few seconds and then scoots backward on the bed, away from Holster’s mouth. (“You Deserve Everything”)

The only good thing about Simon’s Words is that they’re low on his hip, in a spot he doesn’t have to display to the public on a regular basis. (“Not a Disaster”)

Jack doesn’t do this sober. (“One of These Nights Jack Needs to Get Some Sleep”)

When Jack gets out of rehab, moves home to live with his parents for the first time in years, and starts going to therapy just twice a week rather than every day, his therapist suggests he take up a hobby and start making his identity about something other than hockey. (“put your emptiness to melody (your awful heart to song)”)

When Larissa arrives at Samwell, as soon as her parents leave after helping her move in, she finds the art building on her campus map and walks there. (“you don’t have to sing it right (but who could call you wrong)”)

Even over the Christmas music, Baz could hear the sound of the door opening and footsteps approaching the counter. (“Sounds Like a Date”)

Baz has been dreading the group project ever since he got the syllabus on the first day of his Economic History class, and that dread has only mounted as the semester has worn on. (“Checking You Out”)

It’s midway through the semester and Simon is fully confident that taking Intro to Psych with Baz as a way to take care of a gen ed requirement was the right decision. (“Is This More Than You Bargained For Yet”)

Jack spends the summer before his junior year interning at a history museum in Boston and living at the house his parents bought for him and his friends. (“who could ask to be unbroken (or be brave again)”)

After a particularly brutal morning practice in late September, Ford calls her boys to attention in the locker room and gets groans in response. (“The Monologue Competition”)

Jack’s talking to Ransom about the relative merits of the fast food options in Canada versus the US, Lardo is telling Shitty and Holster about her plans for her junior art show, and Bittle is on his phone, probably tweeting. (“as we walked, we were talking (i didn’t say half the things i wanted to)”)

I hug you and then I make a retreat/And sneak away while you talk on and on/I cry and I’ve got "Halo" on repeat/I don’t know how to stay when you are gone (“Iambic Pentameter, Please”)

Knock. Knock. (“Are We in the Clear Yet?”)

It’s hard to pick a favorite because I feel like my writing tends to be pretty utilitarian rather than lyrical, and I prefer lyricism when it comes to stuff I want to read. In terms of patterns . . . I guess more often than not I’m trying to set the scene, and I don’t do a whole lot of really sudden in media res. 

I tag @doggernaut, @ivecarvedawoodenheart, @shitty-check-please-aus, @birlcholtz, @cricketnationrise, and anyone else who wants to play!

[academiaipromise]

Hello!

This is a series that was inspired by some stressed-filled Zoom calls that I’ve been having with some underclassmen for both my extracurricular organizations and peer mentoring programs. If you’re still reading this, chances are, you’re either going back to college soon or starting college for the first time in the year that is 2020. While we all are probably focusing on the safety of ourselves and our loved ones (as we arguably should), many incoming freshmen I’ve been talking to are also stressed about college things: emailing professors, study tips, how to balance virtual classes. So, in case you feel like reading a series of tips written by a 4th year undergrad who at least pretends to know what she’s doing, click below to read the second entry. Click here for the first. 

Tip #2: Zoomin’, or Keeping a Life/Work Balance During Online or Hybrid Courses

When trying to figure out the order in which to post these tips, I was struck with the realization that I start school in a little over a week. So, if anyone is in this same boat, I figured it would be important to talk about class registration tips when there’s still time for you do something about it. This post is a long one, but here’s hoping you can find some advice in it. 

So something to clarify right off the bat: when everything started moving to a virtual format, everybody and their mother on the Internet starting coming forward with tips on how to work from home. And while that’s kind of what’s happening here, I take issue with two things: working from home is not the same as working from home during a global crisis, and working from home is not the same as virtual college. So I’ll try to get as specific as I can, but also try to throw in some tips that might work better for you than they do for me.  

Part One: Registering for Classes

Okay so this part you might have already done, but it’s good to keep in mind. While the recommended hours at every university is different, in my experience the average recommendation is 15 credits hours per semester. It’s important to note though that this is only an average: if you plan on taking courses in the summer, graduating early/later than 4 years, or taking on multiple majors, all of these things affect the credit hours you should be taking.

The unpleasant reality of registering for courses is there’s really no way to know how a specific class will be. There’s always RateMyProfessor.com or other tools, but who’s to say that professors will be like they normally are if they’re trying to figure out how to teach online/hybrid classes? Also, it’s a good thought to keep in mind that typically only two kinds of people leave public reviews of a professor/course: those who really loved the class, and those who really hated the class. So read and figure out what exactly they’re saying, not just how they feel about the course. And just know yourself - if someone from a humanities background says a statistics class is too hard, but you're great with numbers, that’s not always the best advice to heed. Listen to your gut instinct, both when registering and during drop/add week. 

My advice for registering for classes right now? Whatever your instinct is, go a little less if you’re able. The reason I say this is because studying in 2020 can be...a lot, in the same way doing anything in 2020 is. I was only registered for 12 credit hours last semester, and even that became difficult to manage toward the end (moving back home suddenly, people you know getting sick, trying to protect high risk loved ones/yourself, all of which can and probably will happen again this semester). I would just say to go in overestimating how much time you need for yourself vs classes - there will be other semesters, and it’s better to take less classes now and not burn out or struggle mentally (or even just academically) in your first semester of college. Please just be kind to yourself. 

Part Two: Zoom, or the True Necessary Evil 

Maybe you used Zoom all throughout your last months of high school; maybe your university is using Microsoft Teams or something to that effect. Either way, here is what I’ve found to be helpful during my unforeseen five month foray into Zoom, seemingly with no end in sight.

1. Zoom is a tool. Yes, I kind of hate Zoom, and you may also come to hate Zoom if you don’t already, but there are benefits. You can send in written questions or raise your hand through Zoom if your professor allows that feature, both of which are very helpful in trying to show engagement while also trying to respect any kind of Zoom decorum. This post is going to be long enough, and my next post will have more to do with extracurriculars and virtual opportunities, but if you ever need to host a Zoom and want to just use all of its features, I’m more than happy to answer DMs. I’ve had to sit through so many Zoom tutorials for Student Involvement, and if I can spare anyone from that, I would love to. 

2. Balance what you keep digitally versus what’s on paper. Okay, so this is definitely, definitely up to personal preference, but speaking from experience, I just don’t view online or hybrid classes as the opportunity to go fully digital if you’ve never been fully digital before. For me, I always take handwritten notes, mainly because when it comes to remembering things, I either have more of an auditory memory, or I can remember the way that I wrote something when I was taking notes. Considering online classes usually decrease the auditory memory aspect a lot, when things moved virtual I made a point to keep taking handwritten notes. However, something that I’ve found particularly appealing is using Google Calendar (or iCal, Outlook, whatever it is you prefer) to an excess. When scheduling Zoom calls, I always save the Zoom link in the description of the event on my Google Calendar. Trust me, this is a lot better than trying to go through your email to find the link that professor sent. So I would advice to think about your learning preferences and figure out a way to still play to your strengths, even if it might technically be a little less convenient. 

3. Schedule screen breaks. This is so important for so many reasons. While I’ve invested in some blue light glasses because I am slowly losing my vision after years of reading books by flashlight or AO3 fics on my phone until late at night, I still get fatigued being on a screen for so long. Because it’s not just school that’s on the screen; it’s your clubs, your social interactions, maybe your job. I would recommend scheduling screen breaks that coincide with some sort of physical activity (I don’t necessarily mean an intensive physical activity, although if you want to feel free; I more am referring to getting up out of your chair and walking around your room or apartment. Or going outside. Ride your bike. Do some yoga. Eat some food. Etc.), but if you’re feeling particularly busy or overwhelmed, taking notes from a physical book works just as well. Even if you feel okay at the moment, scheduling breaks and following that schedule can save you from screen fatigue hitting all at once - it will take a lot longer to get over a headache between your eyes/your eye twitching or your neck and/or shoulder locking up than just allowing simple short breaks throughout your day. 

4. Schedule time between Zooms. This may sound like the same thing as taking screen breaks, but what I’ve found is that Zoom is a lot more draining that in person classes. I used to schedule Zoom calls back to back like I would classes (again, personal preference, but I was always the person who would take all of their classes from 9:30-3:30 on Tuesday/Thursday, and no classes on Monday/Wednesday/Friday), but found out pretty quickly that I was wrecked after two or more Zoom calls in a row. Honestly, now I won’t schedule any two Zoom calls within a half an hour of each other - between calls, I like to walk around, grab a snack, stretch, close my eyes and try and suppress the social anxiety that seems to accompany every Zoom class or meeting I’ve ever had. (Tangent: I’m thoroughly convinced southerners were not meant to operate Zoom calls. No one knows how to hang up the dang call without being rude because we were taught to have 30 minute conversations in a doorway on our way out.) Maybe there are people who can go on Zoom calls for three hours or so (and I’ve done that with friends, whether just working on group projects or hanging out), but my personal recommendation would be just to space it out more than normal if you’re able. 

5. Create an ideal weekly schedule. This is not “your most productive week ever,” or “this is the rigid schedule you will follow for eternity with no deviations.” One of my most difficult adjustments in college was the changing schedules; maybe you were planning on finishing an important paper on Thursday night, only for your group project to decide to meet that night instead. And that will happen, even with virtual meetings (maybe especially with virtual meetings, as people definitely tend to overestimate your availability when it’s digital). What I’ve found that helps is to create an ideal weekly schedule, both in general and a more specific one at the start of the week, because that means that when things get shuffled around, you actually reschedule that thing that you wanted to do, whether it’s homework, yoga, or just...being alone for a bit. It allows you to still feel like you’re prioritizing your time and activities, even when your schedule changes with little to no warning. 

Part Three: Some Final Thoughts

If you can invest in a second monitor, now might really be the time to do it. If you’d prefer, I used a laptop riser for most of college before this all happened (yay nerve damage in my neck!) and an external keyboard and mouse. I would just compare models and figure out what works best financially if that’s something you want to do. 

Ultimately, if this doesn’t come across in every tip I post, please just be patient with yourself this semester. This is a weird time, and I know that starting your first semester you might be 100% committed to starting off strong or making a great first impression. And that’s awesome, but sometimes that just might not be realistic. Look at last week’s post on contacting your professor, and reach out early just to introduce yourself. Establishing a relationship early on is always good, but especially considering that this semester really might have moments where you need some extra time or grace from them. Can’t focus? Can’t find motivation? That’s understandable; we’re in a global crisis right now. Just listen to yourself and always put your health and the health of your loved ones before school. I hope that these tips can at least help you navigate your first year with a little less trepidation. 

------------------------------------

So that’s it for this entry! As always, if you have specific questions, please don’t  hesitate to ask. Again, I am a student at an SEC university in the United States, so I’m not claiming to be an expert in all things, but I have TA'ed multiple freshman seminars, and will be making this series for the freshmen that I know starting at my school this year anyways, so putting them on this blog is no big deal. Next post (which will hopefully be up sooner than this one was) will specifically be on extracurriculars and virtual opportunities, so if you have specific questions on that as well, I’m all ears. 

[kariachi]

Wild hair, wrote a day on the farm for my Mari

Woman deserves all the vacations

~~

The day starts at sunrise, or near enough to it, with Aenghus dropping his customary ‘I’m here’ and ‘all safe’ into my head. He learned the trick young, taught himself when he realized how seeing him in the early morning spooked me. Not so much now that I’m used to him, but in his younger days the sudden sight of a skit jumping from the foot of my bed was enough to startle me something fierce. Now he’s a familiar companion, circling me as I get dressed, wash up, and head out to get the day’s work going.

The goats are first. I get the does from the back of the barn, bringing both to the milking shed to get their morning milking done. It’s not a long job, with only the two and me having been raising goats since I was a little girl. Dervna often slows me down, troublemaker that she is, but typically I still get them both milked in plenty of time to get they and their year’s kids loose in the yard before the hogs get impatient. I prefer to let them out after the goats, ensuring none of them try to get into trouble while I’m busy milking. Besides, not having to worry about the goats means I can take my time to check them over. They, specifically, are my livelihood, and I can’t go missing something being wrong with them. There’s nobody else to catch it, after all.

Once everybody is out and about, I go back and forth from the well to fill the water troughs in and out of the barn. It’s takes longer that I would like, but it’s this or have someone come down from the Hold to build me one of those water augers they have at the Hall, and that’s simply too much money. Once the troughs are filled so the animals won’t wilt in the day’s heat I hang half-full pails of feed for a goats- ever thankful to my ancestors for settling here, where the edge of the jungle is ever encroaching and makes for most of their food- and fill the pigs’ troughs. The prior evening’s milk is mixed in with their feed, to encourage fast growth and ensure good nutrition, excepting Triath’s. He gets a big pail of feed for himself, to ensure he doesn’t shove around the rest of the herd over breakfast.

It’s around this point Hange’s boy comes over with a loaf of bread for me. In return I strain the morning’s milk, pouring the majority into lidded pots for him to take home. He’ll return them, cleaned, the next day when he brings the bread again. This and Aenghus’s crooning at my feet are my cue to finally stop for breakfast as soon as I’ve cleaned the shed up. Fresh milk, eggs, fresh bread, and two pork sausages- one to break my fast and the other to go with my lunch. Aenghus checks the eggs and sausage for me, giving each a thorough sniffing to ensure they haven’t gone off, and for that he gets some milk alongside his own breakfast of offal.

With food in us, our next job varies. Twice a week I muck out the barn, trading off the manure for feed. Other days I clear out the brush the goats aren’t getting to. Laundry day is always a time, and then you have the weeks after slaughter, when I have to tend the smoker and such. Then some, like this one, are for repairs. With up to six goats and thirty-odd hogs on the property at a time, along with the age of the place, there’s always something that can use some fixing up. The roof of the barn is my latest project, slowly working my way around, replacing shingles that have broken. It’s hard work that’s best done in the morning, when the light is good and the heat is relatively low.

Then is a quick lunch of sausage, cheese, and bread with a watered wine. I take my time, then go out and lock the goats in the pen attached to the barn. This ensures they don’t wander off or fall victim to felines while I’m out- they can’t get through the small door into the barn. On market days I’ll lock the whole farm in the barn while I head out, but this isn’t one. Merely a normal day where I lock up the goats, fill a few waterskins, gather my machete, crook, and satchel, and lead the pigs out into the jungle.

We spend a fair chunk of the afternoon there, longer on hotter days, where the pigs can root and forage safely hidden from the afternoon sun and heat. Still, I try to keep us close to the cothold, once again to lower the risk of felines. There are plenty of little pools and streams I know of and we go and spend our afternoon there. I’d bring the whole farm if I could, and between the last slaughter and the next birth I do, but there’s enough for me and Aenghus to keep an eye on as it is. We play- me throwing sticks and him chasing after and stowing them away, the menace- as we watch the stock and I do some foraging of my own.

It’s hard sometimes, to get nuts I find home, between the soulful eyes of the pigs and Aenghus’s yearning in my mind. Still, I mostly manage it, leading the whole little fair home as the sun starts to go down. The goats are released again, and checked for any signs they had trouble, and then is when I make time for my garden. Mostly herbs and spices for sausages and brines, but also quick-growing vegetables for my own table. They need tending, weeding, a trip to the well to get water for some particularly dry spots, checking for signs of pests I’ll need to dispose of, fertilizing. Whatever’s ready for harvest will go into the satchel and be hung inside the door before I lock up the high fence surrounding it- pigs and goats, you can’t be too careful.

The sun’s normally nearly down by this point and I bring the does in again for their evening milking, putting the milk straight into the pots and putting it aside for the next day’s pig breakfast. After that the livestock all go back in the barn for the night- pigs at the front and goats at the back, sectioned off so as not to bother each other in the restricted space- and all get a ration of silage and grains to keep them until morning. I do a final count, top up the in-barn water troughs, and lock the barn up tight, then do the same to the shed after cleaning it. I grab a few pails of fresh water, then inside and hang the various herbs and spices I’ve grown and foraged to dry.

Finally, then, it’s time for dinner. This evening wherry breast sliced thin and thrown in a pan with a bit of lard, some garlic, and a variety of sauteed vegetables. After, some fresh fruit picked in the jungle earlier. Again, Aenghus is careful to sniff everything for safety before it’s cooked, and I praise him heartily for his work before serving him his own meal. I clean everything up then, and spent the last few hours of my day relaxing, handling any remaining daily self-care matters, and doing the little household chores that often fall by the wayside when you’re so busy as I am, like mending clothes and bringing in extra firewood. Once a week, generally laundry day, I take the time for a good, deep clean and a proper bath.

The night is always well underway by the time I’m done with everything, deep and dark, full of the sounds of insects, night wherries, and whers in the distance. I double check any fires I’ve lit are fully extinguished, then head upstairs to the bedroom. Clothes are shucked, hair is wrapped, and I let myself collapse into bed same as my apprentice years with Aenghus taking up position at my feet.

And by the time the sun rises, I’ll be set to do it all over again.

[buzzdixonwriter]

Writing Report February 27, 2021

There’s no single preferred much less “right” way of writing a story.

Some writers have one set pattern for everything they write, others have as many different methods as they do projects.

It doesn’t matter so long as the work gets done to the best of the writer’s ability.

So this post is of limited application, but since it’ll give an insight into the creative process (well, my creative process), here goes.

My current Work In Process takes place in a medium size town over the course of three months.  I’m literally going through events day by day, with some days packed with many incidents, others just short perfunctory mentions.

Because of the size and scope of the story, it involves a fairly large cast.  There are, without exaggeration, over 100 characters in the story, most having only small parts to play while others weave in and out of the narrative over the 90 some days events unfold.

I got the idea for the story over 13 years ago and have been researching / noodling ideas on it ever since.  My first problem lay in finding an angle of attack:  What triggers the inciting incident and what motivates the characters who do the inciting?

I realized simplistic character types such as “protagonist” and “antagonist” didn’t fully apply here.

I have a focal character, but he is somewhat passive (he has to be, because to become actively involved makes him a jerk).  I have a trickster character but he’s not really an antagonist; for all his flaws you kinda like him in a begrudging manner (and of all the characters in the story, he’s the one who’ll go through the most growth).

The biggest problem lay in that while motivating the inciting incident was tricky enough, finding a way to satisfactorily wrap everything at the end proved far more problematic.

For years I was stuck with an idea for an ending that seemed more and more petty and mean spirited each time I revisited it…

…but I couldn’t think of anything else.

I solved that problem by drawing up a list of things that would be found in this particular town to see if any would spark an idea and sure enough, one did.  When combined with a previously unfocused plot element it provided a big slam bang finale that didn’t violate the tone and spirit of everything that came before it.

(I’ve posted before on tone, and why finding the right one -- especially for a story like this -- is so necessary.  The revised ending preserves my tone without compromising the need for a satisfactory conclusion.)

When I finally began work in earnest on the story January 1st this year, I had the rough outline sketched in:  A beginning, most of a middle, and a firm conclusion for the end.

I also had tons of story points I had no idea how I’d fit into the final work.

Now, for some projects, you want to have a good, firm, well detailed outline:  A mystery or caper thriller, for example.

But this isn’t that kind of a story, and if the town and its citizens were to come to life on the page, they needed freedom to move, freedom to breath, freedom to think.

So I started writing without having the entire 3 month period fully plotted out.

And ya know what?  It works, it works like a charm.

While I ended up jettisoning a lot of ideas, the ones that remained bumped into each other and formed interesting links and possibilities.

Item: I had some unknown person causing trouble for the trickster and the focal character but no clear idea of who it should be.  My initial idea was someone who resented what they were doing, but that was too vague, too abstract a motive.

Not personal enough.

Then it dawned on me if someone who felt rejected by my focal character decided to get revenge…

…and now I had a personal, emotionally strong reason for the acts to occur.

Item: I have a throwaway joke about cow tipping early in the book, and sonuvagun, if a certain other character is revealed to be the cow tipper it not only pays off his character arc but completes the joke from earlier.

Item: I need to get a bunch of people onstage for the big finale (metaphorically) and my original thought was they all happen to show up coincidentally which, while not impossible, certainly stretches credulity.  So then I struggled with ways that all of them would become independently aware of the central plot conceit and be in the right place at the right time but that seemed awfully cumbersome.

Then I remembered my trickster character has an ally, and if the ally were to learn one group would be at the appointed place at the appointed time, why, that would give them every motive in the world to tip off the other groups so they’d be there, too.

This was one of the great things about writing for G.I. Joe and Transformers; we had so many characters that we could do any sort of story we wanted because here was always somebody who’d fit right in perfectly and make it work.

I’m about 60%-70% done with my first draft at this point.  I tend to write expansively in my first drafts, adding more detail than needed, reiterating key plot points and info to make sure it’s covered, writing dialog that tends to be too on the nose and wordy.

Once the first draft is done I’ll let it lay fallow for a few weeks (got another story to work on as soon as I finish this one) then go back for a second draft.

We’ll talk about the differences in first drafts, second drafts, and polishes in the future.

  © Buzz Dixon

[nohminsoo]

hihihihi i’m allie!!! and i’m rarely as well composed as i’ve tried to seem on the main lmao pls bare with me because i’m actually a mess. i just hope you all know how much i love your characters already because i truly do!! ♥ and i love making playlists, edits, and other things for connections so umm get ready for me to be annoying about that too 🥺🥺 i’m gonna ramble a little more about minsoo under the cut, but i can’t wait to get started on some starters!!!

starting off with the headcanons that i posted in my example application...

minsoo keeps a lot of thoughts to himself. he’s the type of person who prefers being there for others over letting others be there for him.

as much as he liked living alone, he likes living with others better. he didn’t think it could be true, but living there has only improved once his friends moved in.

surprisingly, he’s not worried about his dad finding out about him having roommates. if he gets caught, he’ll deal with it then. until that happens, he’s going to continue to support his friends as much as he can.

he has a temper, but it’s a quiet one. he’s not someone who bursts out in anger, rather he’ll keep it pent up and bubbling deep inside.

he can be “accidentally” inconsiderate at times. for the most part, he tries to keep away from anything someone else brings into the house, but there’s been some late nights where he’s found his way to the fridge and eaten food with someone else’s name on it. by morning, he’ll forget to apologize until someone’s yelling about it and by that point he no longer wants to own up to his inconsideration.

he’s a painter who favors oil paints and impressionism. he spends a lot of time alone in his room, as it takes him a long time to finish even one project.

he has a white and orange cat named clementine, clem for short. he chose the name based on the song “oh my darling, clementine” which his mother used to sing to him as a child. clem’s got full authority to go wherever he wants around the house and he’s warmed up to his new house mates fairly quickly.

also:

can (in most cases) be bribed with food and/or sweets. he’ll pretend it won’t work at first, but after giving it a moment’s thought he convinces himself that, whatever it is, it’s worth it. it keeps happening because he lets it work each time.

has an impulsive side. there’s been many times where he decides he wants to do it and, without fully even thinking it through, he’s already on his way.

soft... but not delicate. he’s vulnerable and allows himself to get wrapped up in friendships, relationships, and even acquaintanceships easily, but he never expects the same sort of dedication in return. 

doesn’t drink often, not because he doesn’t enjoy it, but because it’s more of a social thing for him. he doesn’t like to drink alone because it makes him feel lonely. but when others are drinking with him, he’s happy. tends to get more affectionate though and reveals his feelings more (usually without realizing that he’s doing so.)

he doesn’t cook. when he was younger, he spent a lot of time in the kitchen with his mom. they worked together on a homemade cookbook of their favorite dishes that remains incomplete. once she died, cooking was just... not the same. so he claims he’s terrible in the kitchen to avoid having to cook often. notorious for ordering in. 

speaking of ordering in... he’s a driver for a delivery service and uses his vespa for the deliveries. there’s been some good, bad, and strange experiences, but he likes it enough to be able to ride around for a while. 

not a frivolous or materialistic person. aside from wanting really nice paints for himself, minsoo doesn’t spend much else. everything he earns that doesn’t go towards bills or general expenses goes into a bank account. he doesn’t want much.

i should probably stop there and leave some things left to discover in character, so thanks for reading about minsoo, i hope you all like him!! 🥰🥰🥰

[thegreatsaiya-z]

Saiyan Biology Part 2 

(Actual Info under the cut)

Teeth

Saiyan teeth are based partially on baboon teeth in that the canine teeth are notably larger than the rest of the incisors, although the rest of the incisors are also fanged, and suited for ripping and tearing.  However, their molars are still similar to those of most omnivores, and are used for chewing.  As a result, saiyans are classified as an omnivorous species, although they take the concept of eating everything to the extreme-for example, while a saiyan will gain little to no nutrition from eating stone or metal, they are technically capable of digesting materials commonly thought to be entirely inedible.  Saiyans tend to prefer meat because it is high calorie and high protein-both necessities for their biology- but they do require plant based nutrition for a rounded diet.  Their teeth are capable of cutting through bone, and their molars capable of grinding down tough woody stems.  A saiyan’s digestive system is equally robust, and capable of resisting most parasites and poisons found in food.  As a result, cooking is not a requirement for digestion, but most saiyans tend to have at least a couple foods they prefer cooked (or alternatively complex food items that require cooking to come together). Also, while not their primary food source, due to their incredibly large calorific requirements, saiyans on the battlefield will fall to eating the the bodies of their not-always fallen opponents (i.e. that one scene of Vegeta snacking on a random alien mook’s arm), which doesn’t help increase their intergalactic standing. Like some reptiles, saiyans are born with all their teeth and they exhibit polyphyodonty-if a tooth falls out, another will grow back in its place.  Despite the large size of most of their teeth, they are fully hidden by the lips.  Saiyan jaws tend to be larger and wider than those of most similarly sized mammalian species, and they have an incredibly strong bite force-although again, they are similar to crocodiles in that even a fairly small force stopping movement of the jaw will be an effective neutralizing method.  

Half-saiyans retain the oversized canines, although the rest of the teeth are similar in appearance to those of a human.  Half-saiyans are born with canines, and the rest of their teeth grow in sometime between three to six months.  Apart from this, their teeth are similar to those are full saiyans, as are their digestive capabilities. Their jaws are larger than those of most full blooded humans, but not necessarily to the extent that their canine teeth will fit properly.  As a result its fairly common for the canine teeth to project outwards and protrude slightly past the lips.  This is entirely a cosmetic issue, and could theoretically be remedied by braces, although the issue of placing the braces for long enough remains an issue, particularly with the amount of facial trauma most saiyans go through, and also the problem of finding a dentist willing to stick their hand in that mouth.

Quarter saiyans, like half saiyans, retain most of the dental and digestive capabilities of a full blooded saiyan.  They have oversized canines, although not to the extent of full or half blooded saiyans.  Like human infants, they are born toothless; their canines grow in within the first couple of months, afterwards the rest of the teeth grow in between six to eight months.  They do have a set of baby teeth, but after those grow in they retain the polyphyodontic trait.

Eyes

The pupil and iris of a saiyan have no differentiation, is ovular and elongated, and contracts and expands with the light (and, occasionally, emotion).  Their visual acuity is no better than a human, although their night vision is far superior.  Without the use of ki-energy, saiyan eyes possess tapetum lucidum- otherwise known as eye shine, which allows for vision in low-light activities; with ki-energy, a truer backlight is possible, allowing for some vision even in pitch-black environments.  In fact, the general environment of earth tends to be a bit bright for saiyan eyes, resulting in slit-like pupil/iris’s.  This is because saiyans originally evolved in a low-light environment from living under the canopy of their original forested planet (listen. listen.  You do not get monkey-based species without trees.  I do not know what was the saiyan origin planet in the main universe was, but I do not care, a rain forest type environment makes sense.), and later on the red sky of planet Vegeta was relatively dim compared the sky of planet earth.  Additionally, because they tend to gain power with the moon, saiyans are naturally at least partly nocturnal, which also plays a part in their keen night vision.  Saiyans also have sensory organs present in the inside corners of their eyes that allows them to sense heat energy of nearby organisms (i.e. that thing snakes can do? yeah kind of like that).  

Half saiyan eyes are rather similar to those of a full saiyan, although the sensory organs are under-developed and unspecific.  Gohan is actually tremendously, horrifically blind without glasses nearsighted, although not as a result of an incorrect blending of human and saiyan genes or entirely as a result of eyestrain from reading.  Admittedly he did strain his eyesight throughout his childhood, because it didn’t get bad enough that he needed a book half an inch from his face in order to see it until high school, and he didn’t realize most people did not see the world in various states of blurry.  Luckily, saiyan and half-saiyan eyes are similar enough in function to human eyes that regular glasses do work.  

In quarter saiyan eyes, the thermoreceptor organ is entirely absent, and pupils are more ovular even in day-light.  Otherwise they function much the same as full and half-saiyan eyes do.  

Noses

A saiyan’s sense of smell is probably their most developed sense.  It is very sensitive, and capable of picking up minute differences in scent.  They are adept trackers by smell alone as a result.  That said, saiyans aren’t particularly good at blocking out potent smells, and overwhelming scents-particularly unpleasant ones-can be debilitating much as high pitched noises can be to a Namek.  Unlike humans, saiyan noses have diagonally set nostrils instead of downward facing ones, much like new world monkeys.  In half and quarter bloods, the angle of the noses shifts downwards with the addition of human blood, but otherwise the function remains the same

Body and Proportions

Saiyans tend to be stockier than the average human, and very much embody the idea of being built like bricks.  They’re a warrior race from a high-gravity environment, and they look it.  They have long torsos and longer arms, and a prehensile tail and prehensile feet from their arboreal ancestors (who were comparatively closer to modern saiyans than humans closest tree dwelling ancestors).  A saiyan tail, apart from its noted sensitivity to being yanked and containment of trigger glands for the Oozaru transformation, is also an important part of a saiyan’s balance.  Ki-energy can serve as a substitute, but without actively circulating energy, a tail-less saiyan has not insignificant balance problems.  As children, saiyans tend to lean more towards a quadrupedal stance, although it’s considered improper in higher echelons of Saiyan society.  As they grow older and proportions shift, they tend toward bipedality.  Unlike human primates, saiyans have retained claws instead of nails.  

Half-saiyans have more variety in body shape, although they still trend to more solid builds (e.g. even Gohan, the person closest to being a twig of everyone with saiyan genetics, has fairly broad shoulders and a barrel chest).  Typically, the length of the torso, arms, and legs are more or less equal in length to each other.  Half saiyans retain the prehensile tail and feet, although they’re not quite as hairy as a full blooded saiyan would be.  Their nails aren’t quite claws, but they’re still thickened and come to a natural point.  

Quarter saiyans have similar body shapes as half-saiyans.  Their proportions are close to human, although they’re noticeably off to a practiced eye.  The tail is thinner and shorter, but still present, and while the back of the foot is fairly human in shape, the feet are still prehensile.  Their nails are mostly blunt, but still thicker than a full blooded humans would be.

Due to the high gravity environment of both planet Vegeta and the original saiyan origin planet, saiyan skeletal and muscular structures are several times more dense than those of most humanoid species of comparable size.  This allows saiyans to hit harder and lift more than most species, assisting in part of their infamous power.  Their skin and most of their other organs are similarly tough-without energy circulation, they can still be harmed by mundane means, but it takes a considerable amount of force to result in damage (e.g regular hand guns or even a car crash wouldn’t amount to much more than mild discomfort, but something along the lines of a missile launcher would) On the flip side, the amount of energy required to maintain their dense physicality is incredibly large.  Even without much activity, around twenty to thirty thousand calories are necessary for a saiyan to function.  Strenuous activity and/or energy use increase the required calorie usage exponentially.  As a result, a saiyan can die of starvation in a matter of days.  The tough physicality and intense calorie requirements are considered dominant traits, and remain present in half and quarter saiyans.

[jbbuckybarnes]

Distant Connection - 2/11

Pairing: Bucky x Harmonia (OC) Warnings: a bit of angst, a lot of domestic fluff Summary: After an unknown group of goons took her mom’s life and tried to get her for the dark magic powers she possesses, this untaught witch is saved by the Avengers and brought to the compound where her new life unfolds.

MASTERLIST || Distant Connection Masterlist

Harmony was about to see the student area of the Stark Tower for the first time. Tony provided all the kids with wifi, laptops, food, medical help and tutoring there. She overheard it in a few conversations and she really wanted to draw in an environment like this again and also learn more about her witchcraft.

As she walked in she could see a lot of concentrated students sitting on laptops and others sitting together talking. She walked into the little laptop area with all the desks to see Steve sitting there drawing concentrated. There weren’t a lot of students in there and most of them had headphones on so she sat down beside him with a “Looks beautiful.” His head went up and he gave her a soft smile back “Thanks. Still trying to get into all the new markers from this time.” He had drawn a pink Starbucks drink with alcohol markers, the page he was currently working on was a view of a NYC street and he was painting with gouache. “Can I join your little art session?” she asked pulling out a watercolor sketchbook and watercolor from her backpack. “Of course. What’s your art project today?” he asked after finishing another window. “You…...that sounded like I was flirting. I was not. Just need to get better at watercoloring humans.” she chuckled. They both looked down and worked on their little projects for a while. “I heard you called me big energy ball?” he said and couldn’t take himself serious. “Yup, the outside finally fits the mindset.” she giggled with him. “You changed something in James’ mind?” he asked a bit softer about the thing he overheard. “I tried to bring more positive memories in the main focus again. You were doing a lot of dumb shit in the 30s and 40s” she smiled at him because he had stopped to listen to her. “I was...I can’t even lie about the fact that I wasn’t much different back then. A little less mature, but now I’m just that with the actual body fitting to the mind of a tiny human taking on the world alone.” he laughed about himself. “I saw some of the memories. They were hilarious.” she was thankful that it was way easier to talk to him than she expected.

“Can you...do that with me too?” he asked curious. “Yes, but that means I see everything you saved into your long term memory.” she said a little more awkward. “Oh please don’t tell me you saw all of the assassin stuff...please…” he was concerned for her and looking at her frowning. “I did...that was my first try. It was a spontaneous thing.” she went back into shy mode but he pulled her onto his lap to give her a big hug. “Don’t do it with Nat, Sam or Tony. They are good people but that would hurt you more than you could probably take.” he mumbled against her forehead. “Do you still want me to do it?” she looked up at him. “Only if you’re comfortable with it...why does this sound like we’re talking about something different.” he realized all of a sudden and both started laughing. “Something’s still off about the painting.” he said pointing towards it trying to change the subject. “I think you just need to feel out the colors better. Darker gouache tends to dry lighter and lighter gouache tends to dry darker. Should’ve done a color test. But I think you need to correct the glass reflection on the ground floor here a little bit.” she gave him advice still sitting on his lap. “Would you stand up, or?” he gestured at her initial seat. She reseated. “Hmpf, was so comfortable for once,” she said with a fake pout and got a chuckle back.

After correcting his painting in silence he put down his brush and looked over at Harmony doing her second painting which made the first one fully visible to him. “Simple but I can definitely see it’s me.” he said smiling at it. “Just the first layer. Needs another one or two.” she smiled while painting her flower. “You wanna draw something into my notebook?” he asked a little bit more shy. “Like a notebook switch? Sure.” she said finishing her last petal before turning to him and interchanging the notebooks. He grabbed some normal pencils and an eraser before leaning over the next page while she grabbed some of his alcohol markers to start drawing one of the memories she saw in James’ mind of young and small Steve. There was a comfortable silence between them and the only thing audible were the laptops of some of the students around them and the kids laughing outside of the computer room. He made sure she couldn’t see what he drew with his pencils and was way too concentrated to look over at her beautiful 40s painting.

After about 30 minutes both of them finished their drawings almost in sync and looked up at each other. They put both of them between each other and held their breath for a second. “You drew me? Wow. That’s...so detailed.” she said in awe before reading the little note below “for the small energy ball, from the big energy ball ❤” “This is the cutest thing ever.” she said while giving him a hug and he was so concentrated on her liking it that he looked at her drawing just now over her shoulder while breaking the hug again. “You drew me from Bucky’s eyes?” he was in awe, this was a gift so rare that he couldn't grasp it. Seeing through someone else’s eyes was almost impossible but she put it into a drawing. “When I went through his mind this is one of the memories I made clearer for him again. I think it’s very you.” she said soft and with her guard up. “Wow. I remember that day. We got in big trouble for spending all our money on unhealthy stuff but the whole day was so much fun.” he smiled down at his notebook with the most genuine smile in weeks. “You have such an unique bond. I wanted to put that into a drawing.” she said fidgeting with her fingers. “You two also have a very different connection. I’ve never seen him protect someone like that.” he tried to look into her eyes but they stayed on her hands. “I feel like he’s the only person that can relate to how I feel and also keep me save, you know?” she said very vulnerable. He grabbed her hands and made her look up at him, “I might not be able to relate but I would definitely keep you save too.” A weak smile formed on her lips and a slight nod gave him an answer.

“Can I see the rest of your sketchbook?” she ask shyly again and he grabbed it and put it on her lap with a smile. She grabbed it and slowly went from page to page. There were a lot of 40s related paintings but also a lot of new ones. He drew James and Natasha a lot, sometimes the whole team, there was a little sketch with all of them sitting at the kitchen table laughing, a drawing of her and James when they sat in the corner of the common room, food with recipe notes, a page filled with uniform designs, a sketch of Peggy Carter, a watercolor painting of Grand Central Station, two hands holding each other, a bruised Thor and a closeup of his hammer, a street in Brooklyn back in the day. He didn’t seem to use the notebook chronological and just opened a page and started creating. Meanwhile he looked at her notebook. The outside was filled with stickers of potions, black cats and flowers. She was into witchcraft before she knew she was gifted.

There were a lot of watercolor and marker drawings, her mom, the campus of Syracuse University, a stranger in a coffee shop, part of what looked like her room, two people kissing, fashion sketches, crystals and moons, braided hair, two people hugging, a collage of the different parts of her outfit, sneakers, a sketch of the library in the compound, a sketch of James, an unfinished sketch of what happened to her mother, a sketch of sleeping James, a detailed painting of hands doing blue magic, a painting of James with black eyes and a smile, a sketch of the common area, the flower she just painted, the first layer of the painting she made of him and the sketch he made of her. She was very organized in the way she drew. 

She looked at his concentrated face and noticed he finished going through the sketches but showed him the last page of the notebook. There was a big sticker of his shield on the little pocket in the back of the book that held little nicnacs. He looked at her with a smile and a little bit of pride “Was that always there?” he asked. “Yeah.” she said smiling back at him, taking her sketchbook back. The moment was interrupted with a 10th grader coming into the room looking straight at them. “Could you help us with world war stuff? We’ve been sitting here trying to get it into our heads and…” Steve smiled and nodded.

He left his stuff with Harmony which started doodling little things onto another page. A little shield, a bit of magical stuff, hearts, stars, moons, dots and a little note. *Always prefered you over Stark. Thought you wanted to know. Guess I have a soft spot for old grandpa Avengers. -small energy ball* After looking around at the concentrated students she picked up her brush again and started doing the second layer of her painting of him.

“Harmony?” she heard from a computer voice above. “Yeah?” she said a bit weirded out. She still wasn’t used to FRIDAY at all. “Captain Rogers has been called to the compound for a mission and asks if you could bring his belongings with you back to the compound.” the voice asked. “Sure. Tell him to stay safe.” she said with a little smile. “I will make sure to do so, Harmony.” the voice stopped. Once of the students had took his headphones out to listen to the interaction and got a shy smile from Harmony. “You are allowed to take his things with you?” she asked in awe. “I’m just bringing them back where they belong, I guess.” Harmony answered softly. “Can I ask you something?” the girl, probably around 16, asked. “Uuuh, sure.” she smiled. “Is he really as serious as everyone thinks. He seemed to be very childish and funny with you.” she asked with a nervous voice and a shy smile. “Nooo, he is a total dork but he knows when to be serious. If you ever have a problem with anything just ask him. He’s super nice and wants everyone to feel comfortable.” a smile came across the lips of both females. Harmony continued to put his sketchbook and art supplies into her bag, stood up and grabbed a bottle of water and a pack of chips from the food shelves behind her before turning around. “See you around?” she asked the girl and got a smile and a nod back before she walked out of the room and made her way back to the compound.