#but for most of their childhood he can just be their loser dad who they once caught kissing the emperor of xing on their couch

[waitineedaname]

thinking about ed leading a relatively mundane life post-canon while still having all the connections he made during his time as a state alchemist is very funny to me, especially when thinking about his kids' perspectives. several high ranking military officials send them birthday gifts every year. they know four different guys who can turn into animals and this is mostly just a party trick for them. the emperor of xing is a family friend. they go to school and learn about the state alchemists and hear about the youngest state alchemist ever edward elric and they're like "you mean our fucking dad? our loser dad who can't do alchemy and consistently hits his thumb when using a hammer and has a rivalry with our pet chicken? you mean that edward elric?"

[janitorhutcherson]

Bf!Futturman Headcanons (Future Man)

there is NOT enough future man content! allow @dollfacedalls and i to fix that :p these r some headcanons we came up with real quick. if there are typos, sorry guys lolz. its 3am and i just typed this up bc i felt like we needed some josh futturman content. enjoy the sweaty loser boyfriend vibes!

Bf!Futturman who tries to be flirty and sexy but is unsuccessful. You've been out all day, and you've just gotten home. The moment you walk through the door, Josh is in front of you in a pair of dinosaur boxers with a huge, cheesy smile. You know why, and you know what he's wanting. You can't help but grin like an idiot as you put your bags down, walking towards him to place your hands on his hips. Before you can do so, Josh attempts to lean against the coffee table in a sexy fashion. Of course, as expected, he loses his balance, his feet falling out from under you. He lets out a yelp as his elbow hits the coffee table, your eyes wide as you run to assist him. "Baby," you gasp as you kneel. "Are you okay?" you mumble as he repositions himself, now leaning on his hurt elbow on his side, the toothy grin back on his face. "Yeah.. fine now that you're here, sexy," he says, wiggling his eyebrows as you roll your eyes, hitting his shoulder.

Bf!Futturman who is so clingy that he misses you so much, making him even want to be you. You two live together, Josh finally having moved out of his childhood home to get an apartment with you. You were at work, and Josh was upset. He felt like his other half was missing. It wasn't fair that he was off and you weren't. So.. naturally, he did what any man who was missing his partner would do -- he tried on your clothes, sprayed himself in your perfume, listened to your favorite songs, and watched your favorite TV show. When you walked into your apartment to him sitting on the couch in your dress, the apparent scent of your cherry-scented perfume in the air, Dance Moms on the TV, you gasped. The moment his eyes locked with yours, Josh froze, his eyes wide, not really sure what to say. Your eyes darted to the empty bottle on the table; your lonely boyfriend had drained your expensive perfume. Josh's eyes followed yours to the bottle as he shot up, walking over to you with raised eyebrows. "I swear, baby, I- I'll buy you a new bottle," he awkwardly muttered, rubbing the back of his neck with a sheepish smile. 

Bf!Futturman who wants an ugly cat with you. No, not just a cat, but an ugly one. He wanted to find the most hideous, rattiest, mangy-looking cat the two of you could find. At first, you were somewhat frustrated with how adamant he was about the situation. You would've been much happier with a fluffy kitten with pretty blue eyes and soft fur. But no, you loved your boyfriend so much you'd given in. Josh convinced you he wanted one because 'nobody wants the ugly ones.' He claimed it was an action from the goodness of his heart, an action to save a poor kitty. He never would've said it out loud, but the reality was he didn't think the name Barthalomeow fit a pretty kitten. You ended up with a fluffy cat with huge brown eyes bulging from its skull. Its bottom teeth hung out of its mouth, and its brown fur stuck up in every which way... Yeah... it was hideous for sure, but Bathalomeow loved you and his kitty dad so that you couldn't be too mad.

Bf!Futturman gets so sucked into his game that he doesn't notice anything around him. When you weren't around, and he wasn't working, Josh did NOTHING but play Biotic Wars. He'd be so sucked into the game for hours, going to disgusting extremes to avoid having to press pause. When you were home, though, he'd only dedicate an hour or two a day to the game. This usually didn't bother you, but one particular day, you were feeling incredibly desperate for his attention, his eyes locked onto his TV screen as his fingers moved stealthily across his keyboard. You felt like you'd attempted everything. At first, you just tried his name. No luck. Then, you tried tapping his shoulder. Barely flinched. Your next action was more severe, seeing if your words would stir anything in him. "Baby," you called out, your annoyance apparent. "Hm?" he hummed with a half-assed response. "I'm going to my other man's house in a few. Is that cool?" you said from behind him, sprawled out on the bed with your eyebrows raised, your eyes throwing daggers toward the back of his head. "Yeah, whatever, babe, I'll see you later," he mumbled quickly as a loud groan left your lips. "Jesus christ," you mumbled. "Gonna jump off of a bridge, Joshy," you sang out jokingly, to which Josh responded, "Okay, baby." It felt hopeless, that was, until you had an idea. You threw your shirt off, your bare chest exposed as you pranced over to him, standing in front of him. Josh glanced over at you for a moment, his eyes widening slightly as he reached his hand up to grasp your boob before looking back to his screen. "Mm, give me another hour," he hummed, his attention once again back on Future Man. Nope, didn't work. You'd revisit in an hour when you were his girlfriend again, and it wasn't his controller getting all of the hand action.

Bf!Futturman that attempts to cook for you. Josh could not cook. This was a given considering in order to cook, you had to have good coordination and be able to somewhat follow directions. Unless in video game form, it was difficult for Josh to do both. You didn't mind, enjoying making dinner and snacks for the two of you. It wasn't until one night Josh wanted to surprise you. He'd watched a YouTube video online on how to make a baked chicken with broccoli, mashed potatoes, along with a few other things. He didn't think twice about the difficulty, already feeling like a chef as he turned off his phone. He was soon proven very wrong, as about an hour later, you walked into the door to the smell of burning meat and smoke filling your kitchen. Josh stood in the center of it all, surrounded by far too many pans for him to be making such a simple dish, many of them filled with what looked like pure charcoal. He looked at you with sad eyes, a pout on his lips. "I'm sorry, baby, I didn't mean to make a mess. I really just wanted to do something nice for you like you do for me," he said softly as he walked over to you. You embraced him into your arms, pressing a kiss to his head. "Hey, 's okay baby, we can just order takeout," you giggled, deciding to turn the oven off and leave the mess for another time. 

Bf!Futturman who has no filter and lacks an understanding of time and place. The two of you were inside an art museum. You pulled out your phone to snap a cute selfie. The moment he saw the camera, he pulled you close, stiffening his entire body as he stared into the camera with a blank expression. You snapped the picture, reviewing it afterward as your smile dropped. "Seriously, Josh?" you asked as you raised your eyebrows, showing him the photo where he looked both uninterested and terrified all at once. He snickered with amusement, his nose scrunching up. "God, people are going to think I kidnapped you," you muttered under your breath. He nudged you with his shoulder, raising his eyebrows up and down. "That's because you did!" he exclaimed as he pretended to yank out of your grip. People began to stare, and Josh just snickered as you smacked his shoulder. "Shut up, Futturman!" you gritted through your teeth, rolling your eyes. God, you loved him, but oh, how he pissed you off sometimes.

[bad268]

kimi x toto wolffs daughter like fluff of their families and how they reacted and how they treat kimi

+ can you do a kimi antonelli oneshot where the reader is Toto and Susie's daughter and its when Kimi came to watch Jack's race (if you know what I mean) and him and reader are already together but it's just all adorable.

thank you!!

I've Never Lost (Andrea Kimi Antonelli X Wolff! Reader)

Fandom: RPF/F2/F3

Requested: Clearly (I combined these two, hope yall don't mind)

Warnings: None

POV: Second Person (You/your)

W.C. 1191

Summary: What started as a family outing has turned into a bet, and Kimi doesn't lose.

As always, my requests are OPEN

MASTERLIST // HITLIST

~~(^Pinterest)

Ever since you were teenagers, it was a tradition to go out karting with your family. It was standard procedure to go karting during the off-season or non-race weekends. Granted, you were never a driver, but once you started dating Kimi, he said he would drive you around the tracks. Before you and Kimi started dating, you would just watch Jack and your parents race, but now, you were finally able to join in the fun.

It was the middle of summer break, and Kimi was leading the F2 championship and ready to sign a contract with Mercedes for 2026. It was time for your regularly scheduled karting competition. 

This was the first time Kimi was going to be joining. You had told him before that you wanted to race with your family, so he made sure he would be able to go out with you and get to know your family as your family and not his boss. 

“I’m gonna win,” Jack boasted as he led the way into the karting track. Your mom and dad laughed, following hand-in-hand behind him. You and Kimi were just behind Jack, chasing him toward the entrance of the track. “I’m gonna bet you and Kimi and Papa and Mama because I’m the best.”

“I bet you are, Jacky,” You laughed as you caught up behind him and threw him over your shoulder. Kimi fell back a little as he chuckled at your antics with your brother. He knew this was what you two were like, but it was always funny seeing it in person. It only happened a few times around the paddock since you two were more conscious of your images in front of so many cameras, but in the track in the middle of nowhere, you two were free to be as rambunctious as you wanted.

Jack and your parents never complained. You didn’t have the most normal childhood with growing up surrounded by fast cars that could kill you. You had nothing holding you back out here, and Jack loved to mess around with his older sibling.

“You better not go easy,” Toto chucked as he and Susie walked passed Kimi who had stopped and watched you spin Jack around upside down from your shoulders. How he got in that position, nobody knows. Kimi’s attention snapped over to Toto at that moment in confusion at first before he continued his advice. “They’ll both be mad if they find out you went easy. They’re both extremely competitive. And this is Y/n’s first time in a kart after some time, so you should make it memorable.”

“You won’t be mad if we win?” Kimi countered with a smirk. He had grown up around Toto and Susie enough to view them as second parents, but he also had to remember they were his bosses. However, right now is a family outing, not a work event. It was everyone for themselves.

“You say that like your double seater is going to beat three single seaters,” Susie laughed when she came back into the conversation with passes for everyone to get on the track. “But go ahead and think you still stand a chance.”

“Oh bring it on,” Kimi challenged as he held his hand out for her to shake, “Why don’t we place a bet? Loser buys dessert?”

“Just you and me or if any of us beat you two?” Susie teased before agreeing.

“I’ll take my chances with all three of you,” Kimi replied with a smirk since he couldn’t keep a straight face. He gestured down to his outstretched hand again, “So, do we have a deal?”

“Consider it made,” Susie responded as she shook his hand before handing him the two passes for you and him to get the kart. Kimi turned around to see you and Jack still messing about, so he went over to tell you what was going on.

“Jack, come over here,” Toto called, causing you to almost drop him, but you gently set him down on his back on the asphalt. Jack jumped up and ran over to Toto, thinking something was wrong. “We need to strategize.” Toto and Susie then took Jack down to the track and started planning for how they were going to win.

“Did we do something wrong?” You asked as you walked in step with Kimi and took your pass to show the marshals.

“No, but I made a bet with your parents, so they need to strategize,” Kimi explained as he threw an arm around your shoulder while you sat trackside until the session before you were finished. 

“You? Made a bet? With my parents? Your bosses? Willingly? Who are you?” You joked as you placed the back of your hand on his forehead, checking for a temperature. “You don’t have a temperature. Are you sure you’re fine?”

“I’m perfectly fine,” He chuckled, pushing your hand away from his forehead and instead held it against his cheek. “You always say to let loose around them more. I’m just taking your advice.”

“You’re learning, I’m impressed,” You teased, moving your finger to tap his nose. “Next, you’ll be rough-housing with Jack and me.”

“I think I’ll stick with things that don’t hurt me,” Kimi scoffed with a smile as he pulled you closer into his chest while you watched the karts go around.

“Oh, and bets don’t hurt your pockets? I see how it is, rich man,” You joked as you leaned your entire body weight into him. “Do I at least get to know what the bet is before the race?”

“Loser buys dessert after,” Kimi chuckled.

“We’re in a double seater, dummy!” You exclaimed in shock. “They’re gonna be so much quicker than us! You made a bet you know you’d lose!”

“One, you underestimate my driving ability. Two, you think that wasn’t the point? Think how much harder Jack will try to win knowing there’s something at stake,” Kimi explained, and your jaw dropped. This reverse psychology was going to win your brother over in a heartbeat. “Plus, I know Jack and your parents are insanely competitive. I know you. They’re gonna do anything and everything to win, and it’ll be a real race.”

“You are crazy, but I love it,” You whispered as you left a kiss on his cheek before standing up and moving to the karts. You two put on your helmets and everyone took their places in their karts. Jack looked back at you and Kimi and signaled that he was going to catch you. Right as you sat down, you looked up at Kimi, who was still adjusting his helmet. “We’re not going easy on them though, right?”

“No never,” Kimi answered quickly as he took his seat in the driver’s seat. He fiddled with the seat and wheel for a second before the look in his eyes told you exactly what he was thinking. “This is technically a championship, and I’ve never lost. Buckle up because you’re not breaking my streak.”

You tightened your belts and braced yourself. This was the best (and only) way to get back onto the track.

~~~~~

© BAD268 2024. DO NOT REPOST WITHOUT PERMISSION.

[leclucklerc]

Check Point MV1 - 01. Product of Glory

Pairings: Max Verstappen x Actress!Reader

Summary: She should've realized that coming back to Formula One after quitting the sport years ago is a bad idea. Especially considering that most of your childhood friends and rivals from your karting days are now in the paddock.

Word Count: 4.2k

Previous Masterlist Next

Weekends had always been her favorite part of the week.

Besides the fact that it's a time when there's no school, weekends had always been more special. When she was younger, weekends means that she’s going to watch her dad race. To feel the thrill of Formula One as she cheered for the man on the red car. Weekend means going to a dinner with her parents, still high from her dad win and spending the night laughing and spending time together.

When her dad decided to retire from motorsport, weekends mean another thing.

Weekend means racing.

Though this time it’s not her dad in a red car who race. This time it’s her who’s racing. It’s her who goes on top of kart and race against people her age. It’s her who got cheered on. It’s her, who will bring a smile on her dad face as he saw her with pride clear on his eyes.

Y/n loves weekends.

“Hi,” greeted the girl, smile wide and eyes crinkling. “Good race, huh?”

The blue-eyed boy furrowed his eyebrows at her while the other one, a dark haired one, let out a small smile at that. She could feel the stare that they directed towards the trophy on her hand. No doubt jealous at the number one engraved on it.

It only made her giggle, as she proudly showed it towards the two boys.

The three of them are now huddled in a corner somewhere in the karting track, adrenaline still high from the race earlier and hair still wet from all the sweat under their helmet. They still could hear the hustle and bustle from the crowd that had attended the race this weekend. The distant sound of chatters and karting engine.

It had been a tough race, a race where the three of them shoved each other on the track. Each trying to gain better position from the others. Each, trying to become the winner of the race.

Though, despite all of that, in this small corner, they felt that there’s only the three of them in this world. There is no strict parents, heavy expectations, or uncertain futures. In this little corner, there are only the three of them. The three champions with too much talent and boundless possibilities for their future.

“You’re only saying that cause you beat us,” said the dark haired one in a heavily accented English. Well, to be fair, all of them are speaking in a heavily accented English, considering y/n too mainly talked in French with her parents. "If you had lost you would've been crying right now."

"Psh, I'm not a crybaby like you guys," she laughed it off.

"I'm not a crybaby!"

Said girl grin only widened before she sat in front of the two boys. The trophy still clutched tightly as she adjusted it on her lap, not wanting to break it.

“Sore loser,” teased the girl. “You look like you want to fight me when I passed you in the last lap,” this part was directly directed towards the blue-eyed boy who had been moodily staring at her since the start.

“I did not” muttered the boy, also answering in a heavily accented English. Though, the accent is different from the previous boy and hers. He began leaning back towards the stack of wheels behind them. “I just don’t like losing.”

“Who likes losing?” asked back the dark haired one as he fiddled with his helmet on his hand. “I don’t.”

“No one,” agreed on the girl with a nod of her head. Inside of her head, she could already imagine all of the headlines and news if she ever performed badly in a race. Accusations of her being untalented to the blatant questioning if she’s her father daughter.

She can’t lose.

There is no way she can allow herself to lose.

“If we want to make it to Formula 1, we have to hate losing,” continue the girl as she sat in front of the two boys. "It's all about the mentality y'know?"

“Y/n is right,” said the dark-haired boy, nodding. “Also, my dad is not that happy if I got second place, so I really should win.”

“What Charles said,” said the girl. “Pretty sure my dad will also be disappointed if I don’t win a race.”

The other boy, Max, nodded his head sulkily. He doesn’t need to say how upset his father would be if he ever loses because both y/n and Charles knew that already.

Jos Verstappen, after all, is a terrifying figure.

While of course both Charles’s dad and y/n’s dad would be disappointed if they had a bad race, they would never throw a literal temper tantrum to them. They would console the both of them because they know, no matter how disappointed they are, the one that is the most disappointed is the children themselves. Instead of anger, they would offer them ice cream and advice. They would offer a shoulder to cry to and ears to ramble to. Max dad on the other hand-

(“Why did you lose?” asked Jos Verstappen, tone grave and eyes glaring daggers at the boy in fronf of him. He looks terrifying. Like a giant ready to stomp on those under him.

Max trembled, not daring to stare at the older man. “I-“ he started. “I-“ he desperately tried to get the words out. To force his throat to talk and explain and yet, no matter how much he tried, he just cant. As if, his body is refusing to even defy the man in front of him.

Y/n watched, heart trembling as she hid behind a building near them. Too scared to help and yet, at the same time she desperately wants to help her best friend.

But her feet just won’t move. Rooted on her spot as she silently watches the conftoration unfolds.

Coward.)

He’s terrifying. From the way he would yell at Max or the glare that he would throw to everyone in the room. From his large stature to the way he never looked that happy to see Max hanging out with y/n or Charles.

The three of them had basically grow up together with racing. Y/n doesn’t even remember when was the first time was the three of them had ended up in the same race, all she knows, one way or another, they had been racing against each other for the longest time.

It has always been the three of them on the podium. The three of them against the world. Sometimes y/n wins, sometimes Max wins, sometimes Charles wins. Her father had once said that the three of them is taking turn for the first place.

Before she knew it, she had become close with her two rivals.

(A lot of time, y/n would feel a bit guilty if she won first place. Because she knew what would happen to Max. She knew that his dad doesn’t like to see him in second place.

Though alas, the drug called winning is an addicting one. Moreso when you’re not mature enough to realize the consequences of your actions. Moreso, when you still watched the world through a rose-tinted glass.)

They’re her closest friends. The very first people that she talked to and confide to. It’s them against the world. It’s their dream against everything in the world.

Even though they live in three different countries – Max in the Netherlands, Charles in Monaco, and y/n in France – she felt as if they’re always with each other. Maybe it’s the frequent phone calls or maybe it’s the holidays that their family often arranged together.

No matter what it is, she can always say confidently that both max and Charles is her best friends. 

“Do you think we’re going to make it to formula one?” asked Max after a while, a thoughtful frown tugging his lips down. The silence between the three of them had been a bit unusual, though it’s not an uncomfortable one.

Both Charles and y/n exchanged a glance. “What? Are you doubting yourself?” said y/n, raising her eyebrows.

Max shook his head. “No, I’m doubting the both of you.”

Y/n and Charles hit his arm playfully. 

“Rude,” huffed out y/n. “As if you’re going to enter Formula One before me.”

“You will never enter Formula One if you still have that kind of sloppy overtake- ouch! Stop hitting me!” complained Max as the girl continue to hit his shoulder playfully.

The girl rolled her eyes. “That’s what you get for doubting my skill.”

"I won't be doubting your skill if you can actually kart properly-"

"You're so mean!"

Immediately after that, a laugh rang out. Both y/n and Max turned their head towards Charles who was laughing at them. Oddly, the both of them too started to laugh soon. The previously tense atmosphere from the earlier conversation gone as they enjoyed the moment together.

Truly, they looked like children their age here. Not someone who has a too heavy expectations and fame that’s threatening to consume her. Not someone with uncertain future and the desperation to show the world his talent. Not someone, with a father who doesn’t know to be a dad.

In this moment, the three of them are just children playing around. Something that they hardly did with all of the burdens that they have to bear despite their young age.

After a while, the laughter ceased, and the atmosphere had lightened up considerably. They looked relaxed, as they shared smiles with each other.

“We’re going to formula one, obviously,” said Charles, grinning. “We’re so good at karting!”

The way he said it was full of conviction without a hint of doubt. It made Max and y/n believed in him. As if, the case of them being a formula one driver is not a matter of if, but a when. That it’s only a matter of time before all three of them would drive for the top teams in Formula One.

It made her believe an almost impossible possibility.

Of her, still racing with her friends. Of her, making her dad proud with it. Of her, still sharing the camera with her mother.

A future with endless possibilities that she looked forward to.

“For sure,” grinned y/n. “We’ll make it to Formula one and we’ll race in Monaco!”

“Yeah!”

Though, back then, the three of them doesn’t know that yes. That dream will only stay as a simple childish dream.

Y/n l/n is many things.

She’s one of the most famous celebrities in Hollywood, the highest paid actress for the last few years. She has won Oscars, many times. Emmys, also many times, and other acting awards that could possibly exist in the planet. She's a fashion icon, an ambassador of many fashion houses and jewelries. She's a charming woman, someone that can get everybody's attention by just entering the room.

Y/n l/n is the talk of the town now.

Well, it’s not like that she’s not the talk of the town before. As one of most recognizable celebrity on earth, it’s normal for people to gossips and talked about her. Every now and then, her name would sit at the top of the trending topic. So, being the talk of the town is not something new to her. Now though, the reason why she’s even mentioned so much lately is the now viral video of her in her Jimmy Kimmel interview.

Y/N L/N ALMOST BECOMES A FORMULA ONE DRIVER? 

2,5 million views. Posted 1d ago.

She whistled at the number.

“It really is a good promotion,” said Andrew, her manager as he scrolled past his iPad. “We can cut the marketing budget for Product of Glory a bit,” he continued., sounding a bit pleased at that. “The producer is really thankful for that.”

The two of them is sitting on y/n’s living room, monitoring the public response from her appearance in Jimmy Kimmel. Besides Andrew, she could also see her private assistant walking around the house, no doubt doing an errand that she had asked beforehand. Though besides that, the mansion is quiet.

“Pay me more then,” laughed the female as she looked up from her phone. “I revealed my dark past for everyone to enjoy after all.”

“Well, I thank you for revealing your dark past or whatever," muttered the male, not even looking up from his iPad. "It will bring a lot of buzz to the movie considering well-“

“Considering it’s a movie about my parents?” asked y/n, raising her eyebrow.

“Well yeah,” agreed the man. "And it's also about Formula One, so it's related."

In hindsight, y/n really do think that there is no way her newest movie – Product of Glory – will be a failure. After all, it’s a high budgeted movie with star studded cast and an experienced director. The reason why she’s even taking the role was because it has an amazing script, something that will bring some kind of Oscar buzz surely.

Besides that, the movie is about Formula One. Mainly, the love story between a Formula One legend and Hollywood icon back in the 80’s and 90’s. The turbulence romance between a high-profile athlete and a high-profile actress. Both were at the top of their respective fields, making their relationship basically the power couple of the entertainment and the sport industry.

Before David and Victoria Beckham were even a thing, Reynold and Nicole l/n were the couple. The wet dream of every tabloid back in the day. With that kind of history, it has enough noise to make people anticipates the movie.

And then, the main actress of the movie and the daughter of Nicole l/n went into the Jimmy Kimmel show and shocked the world. 

It didn’t take a lot of time for people to verify that information and confirm that yes, y/n l/n is telling the truth and yes, y/n l/n got a really successful karting career back then. So successful that she was part of the Ferrari driver’s academy back in the day. So successful that she actually raced with so many famous names. Names that is now currently racing at the pinnacle of motorsport.

Without her now viral clip, many had put high expectation for the movie. Now, after revealing her almost career choice, people practically salivate at the thought of watching the movie.

“Is this good for my image?” she asked, finger thumbing around the video and yet she didn’t click on it. Should she watch it?

Truthfully, revealing her karting past is not something that she had planned before. The Jimmy Fallon team didn't even told her that it's a topic that they will brought up during the interview. Imagine her shock when said host brought out a photo from her karting days.

Memories of that time had resurfaced almost immediately. Things that she wants to bury and forget.

It had made her nervous, heels clicking on the carpeted floor as she tried to think on what she should do. Her exit from the world of motorsport had been really abrupt after all. There are so many things left unsaid, so many things that she should've brought closure to.

And yet she didn't.

So she had retell the tale of her karting journey. Of how she had decided that acting is more of her thing compared to racing. That in the end, her heart lies on playing a character in front of a camera. Like a mindless puppet.

“An amazing one,” said Andrew. “People really like the contrast of being an actress and a racing driver,” continue the man. “And Formula One is really popular right now, almost rivaling soccer, so it’s a huge boost for your image.”

“My dad will love it,” said y/n, letting out a dry chuckle. “I swear he’s a bit bitter when I chose acting years ago.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow. “The great Reynold l/n being bitter? Hard to imagine,” said the man. “He always seems friendly and easygoing.”

“It’s cause you know him after he retired from his racing career,” answered the female. “Mom likes to say that dad used to be a huge asshole when he was still active. Well, an asshole that she really likes so she just thought it was hot.”

The male let out laugh at that, amused. “Anyway, because of the interview, people are expecting you to be in the Miami GP this year,” he said. “A lot of people had thought that you were attending last year.”

“I was filming in Switzerland,” answered the female in order to defend herself. Truthfully, it’s not a good defense, considering the filming is not something mandatory. Y/n was just searching for a reason to skip Miami GP last year. She knows it and Andrew too knows it.

“Right,” said Andrew, not sounding convinced the slightest. “Mercedes and Red Bull had actually asked you to join them as a guest,” he continue as he showed her an email that he had received from both teams. “They seem pretty enthusiastic about that.”

Mercedes and Red Bull.

Bad idea.

Y/n sighed, “I’m attending with my dad, so it’s obvious that I’m going to go to the Ferrari garage.” Well, it’s not like Ferrari is a better option. But at least she will have a shield there, namely her dad.

Andrew hummed. “Well, I just thought that you maybe want to avoid both Red Bull and Ferrari garage.”

And isn’t that another can of worms that she has to open?

Tapping her feet – a nervous tick of hers – she let her mind wander to all the possibilities that she could encounter during the Grand Prix. She knows that attending a race is a bad idea. A really bad one considering she knows almost everyone on the grid. 

It’s a bad idea and y/n knows it.

She really really knows it.

An image of a blond- and dark-haired boy appeared inside of her head. Of them racing together, of them spending their holidays together. Of them, laughing and enjoying each other company.

“Ugh,” groaned the female. “I don’t fucking know, okay?”

“Well, you better think about it,” said Andrew, closing his iPad as he stared at her. “Because the Miami GP is happening soon, and I really need to confirm your attendance to the teams.”

Y/n gave him a thumbs up, mulling about her decision.

Maybe y/n had regretted her decision to choose acting over racing, once upon a time. 

But that was during a hard time of her life, during the weird period where she’s oftentimes considered too old for a child role but too young for an adult role. It was during the time where the phrase nepo-baby were stuck into her like a parasite, sucking her life force more and more as she continues to live in the hustle and bustle of Los Angeles with rows and rows of failed auditions behind her. 

Her mother had told her once that you will be happy if you excel at your job. That you will find happiness only when you managed to find success at the thing that you do.

She agrees on that, considering that she had never looked back on racing the moment she won her first Oscar as a lead actress at the tender age of 18.

Now, seven years after that, y/n never even thought about formula one besides when she’s watching the race with her father.

“So close-!” Exclaimed her father as he leaned forward, eyes trained towards the heated race between Max Verstappen and Charles Leclerc. “Ah, he really needs to brake here or-!”

Y/n almost winced as she watched how the Red bull and Ferrari almost crashed with each other. 

“Dad,” she called out, reaching towards the older man who will certainly fall from the sofa with how he leaned forward. “Relax dad, you’ll fall at this rate,” said the female as she tugged the man back.

Her dad let out a huff. “Seriously!” he let out. “Ferrari really need to get the world champion this year! Charles is leading the driver championship but they’re only at the second place in the constructor and Mattia really need to get their shittogether at this point!”

“I know, I know,” she said. “You can tell Mattia directly during the Miami GP, no?”

“Obviously I will.”

The female let out an amused snort at that.

Formula One had been going into a new direction as of late, something that her father had been really excited about. Last year, during the 2021 season, Max Verstappen managed to place first in the World’s Driver Championship. Ending Lewis Hamilton seven consecutive title. While Mercedes managed to still win the Constructor Championship, y/n really can’t help but thought that this was the beginning of a new era in the sport. 

When last year Miami GP had come around, her father had practically jumped around in excitement. Y/n gets it though, after moving to LA after his retirement in order to fully support his wife career and help raising y/n, the man had never really had many chances to go back to his racing roots.

That’s why every time a new Formula One season came around; her father would always make sure that he’ll watch almost every race.

The current grid of Formula One is a bit different, in her humble opinion. After all, there is so much young and talented drivers racing right now.

From Red Bull’s newest golden boy to Ferrari’s ‘Il Predestinato’.

Her father had thought that the nickname was fitting for the Monegasque, had praised Ferrari’s decision to put him in the team with Sebastian Vettel back in 2019. He had praised when Max debuted in Toro Rosso back in 2015, just one year after his admittance to Red Bull Junior Program and y/n’s retirement from the world of racing.

He had praised them more considering that both had also been her childhood best friends.

Had been.

“Max and Charles were asking for you,” said the man as they watched Charles’s red Ferrari won the Australian Grand Prix. Y/n really can’t help the proud feeling that’s settling inside of her chest. Something similar to what she had felt almost one year ago as she watched the race in Abu Dhabi. “Back in Bahrain.”

“Well,” started the female. “It’s not like I never talked to them anymore.”

“Max said you replied to his messages once a week,” continue the man. “And you always refused their holiday invitations every off season or summer break.”

“Well,” started the female again, readying to defend herself. “I just think it’s a bit awkward, I don’t even know their friends.”

“How about that time when they visited me here? Why did you leave as soon as they arrived?” proved her father further, referring to last year when both Max and Charles had visited him just before Miami GP.

“Back then I was-“ Though, she came short. “Uh- I really don’t have anything to say about that.”

She remembered all the countless invitations and messages that was left on read. All of the missed calls, or even the dry group chat that they had between the three of them.

It’s a bit painful to look at. To see what their relationship had become. To see, the relationship crumbled and destroyed under her hand.

Because that’s the truth, isn’t it? She really doesn’t have any reason to ignore her childhood friends one-sidedly for years.

Her father stared at her. “You know, it’s not fair to you, and to the both of them,” continue the man as he turned his attention back on the television. “I think the last time you met either of them was back in 2018, when Charles was about to debut in Formula One.”

She really doesn’t have any excuse for that.

After all, the three of them had been inseparable since their karting days. With how often they had raced against each other, it’s only normal for them to eventually bond and make friends with each other. Charles or Max had once said that there’s no way both would even be friends if there’s no y/n to be the middleman amidst their fierce rivalry.

They had spent summers and holidays together, their parents knew each other, they had supported each other racing career.

Regarding their fallout, y/n likes to think that it’s only normal for childhood friends to not become friends with each other over the years. That it’s normal for them to find better friends or better environments compared to their restricted childhood.

Though, y/n is also painfully aware that their fallout was not because of that.

They’re still each other closest confidants. They’re still each other biggest supporters. They’re still each other best friends.

The reason why they became like this, was because, y/n decided to back away.

Maybe it was regret or maybe it was the guilt that’s eating her away. Maybe it’s because what happened back in 2014 in Monaco or maybe it’s because what happened in the 2015 Australian Grand Prix. There are a lot of things that she must unpack regarding her past in Formula One and instead to do all of that, she decided to run away.

A bit embarrassing, but that’s what she did best. Always running away. Always, avoiding her problems one way or another.

Max used to call her out about that. This ugly habit of hers that absolutely refuses conflict and choose the easiest way out. 

“Are you going to attend this year GP?” asked her father after a few minutes of silence. “I know you had mentioned that you’re going to attend it, but are you sure?”

“I want to talk to you about that actually,” said the girl. “Because well, I know you will watch from Ferrari and I actually got invited to both Mercedes and Red Bull, but like you know how I will always try to avoid Ferrari and Red Bull-“

“Breath, darling,” said her dad, stopping her rant. “Breath.”

She took a deep breath. “I know,” said the woman. “I was panicking. A bit.”

Her father hummed at that; amusement clear on his face. “Well, I must say, that I’m glad that the time finally came.”

“What time?”

“For you to talk to Max and Charles again,” replied the older man. “I’m a bit tired to become the messenger bird for the three of you again.”

“Funny,” she lets out. “It’s going to be so awkward when it’s been years since is stared avoiding them.”

“Completely your fault.”

“I know.”

Silence fell between the two of them. On the television, the post-race interview began playing. Charles’s face appeared first as he began narrating today’s race and singing praises to the car this weekend.

“Do you think we can be friends again?” asked y/n finally in a small voice.

His dad turned towards her. “Darling, I don’t think the three of you ever stopped being friends.”

It’s the 2022 Miami Grand Prix.

It’s the 2022 Miami Grand Prix and y/n l/n is staring at Max Verstappen who also seemed shocked at her presence.

“Uh-“ she started. “Hi?”

taglist!

@mynameisangeloflife @dl-yum @hockeyboysarehot @stopeatread @cha-hot @ironmaiden1313 @unlikelythingbasement @sofs16

[lastoneout]

Okay, honest question, who is Yotsuba?

OH HO HO ANON I AM ALL TOO HAPPY TO EXPLAIN :3

Yotsuba is a character from the greatest manga ever made, Yotsuba&!(or Yotsuba to! it translates weird, most fans just call it Yotsuba) which is a comedy slice-of-life manga about Yotsuba Koiwai, a five year old girl, and her very strange yet wholesome family and friends!

It's from the same mangaka who gave us Azumanga Daioh, though while that manga is told in a four-panel comic style and doesn't really have much of an overarching plot, Youtsuba is done in a traditional manga style and despite also being very episodic there is a bit of a throughline surrounding Youtsuba getting settled into the neighborhood she just moved to, growing up, and eventually, in the later chapters, getting ready to go to school for the first time. Also, there are storylines that take place over multiple chapters as well! Despite the fact that the manga has been releasing since 2003, the chapters are pretty sporadic and the comic has only really covered about one year of the character's lives, but it never really feels slow or aimless. It feels almost...timeless? I guess. It's really nice.

Anyway, the manga is legit one of the most wholesome, funny, heartwarming things I have ever read. Kiyohiko Azuma is a fucking MASTER of comedy(you may have seen screencaps from a Sailor Moon fan comic he made going around on tumblr in which Jupiter accidentally sends Venus shooting across a pool that made me laugh so hard I cried) and he balances it well with lots of slow moments with GORGEOUS artwork where you can really take in the scenery and all of it is seeped in a wonderful nostalgia for childhood that legit makes me super emotional.

I don't think the manga has ever really taken off in terms of popularity, at least not to the degree that it deserves imo, which is likely in part due to the creator being firm about it never getting an anime adaptation and the sporadic release schedule, but it's far from unknown. There's been an official(I think??) score released and plenty of figurines and merch. It's also birthed a lot of memes, and it def has the same issue as One Piece where if you read it and love it you will turn into a walking billboard and try to drag your friends and family in with you. It's just THAT good!

You may have seen art of or people cosplaying Danbo, a "robot" made of old cardboard boxes that Yotsuba adores (Totally a real robot btw, def doesn't have a middle schooler shoved inside there, that would be silly wdym /s)

And this pose from the back of one of the manga volumes featuring Yotsuba, her father, and their extremely tall friend Jumbo has been redrawn with other characters like 500000 billion times

And you've also probably seen this going around tumblr before (that's Fūka she's my favorite cringe fail daughter I would literally die for her).

Also, I would be doing a disservice if I didn't mention Yanda, who is a friend of Yotsuba's dad and also Yotsuba's nemesis. He's a loser who constantly gets dunked on by a toddler it's fucking hilarious.

But yeah it really is just like, a manga that feels like a hug, or a warm blanket or something, it's so comforting and funny and fantastic, I find myself re-reading it any time life gets to be too hard just bcs it's that good at distracting me and reminding me that live is worth living.

And also given that it's literally my favorite manga, I saved up a bunch of screencaps to use as reaction images after a read one time, and thus now it's my own little joke that if you send me anon hate I'm just gonna send you back a picture of this cutie

Bcs come on how can you be angry when you're looking at this???

Anyway here's some screencaps of the main supporting cast bcs I love all of them so much <3

YOU WILL READ YOTSUBA I AM NO LONGER ASKING

[tarochimochi]

Loser’s parents, Failure and Prize

The theme today was cake meeting Loser’s family but that got me thinking. What about Loser’s family since Cake has a dad?

So meet Loser’s parents, Failure and Prize. He gets his cubeness and pattern from his dad, but his shiny ivoryness from his mom.

(Their not great people, don’t get attached to them)

So hc and lore below undercut!

I’ve been super fixated on writing about Loser and Winner lately because I think their such interesting characters and their so much untapped potential for them.

Trigger warning for internalized ableism, ableism, child neglect, child abandonment, and parental abuse.

I really love the idea that Winner and Loser are opposites in alot of ways. I read this absolutely lovely fanfiction here (Read the warning before you do) and it made me like the idea that while Loser was always the more popular one of the duo. Loser was always jealous of Winner for other things. (Btw for context Winner and Loser have been in the industry since they were really young, I’d say 8-10)

Winner has a mom who loves them for who they are and is always their to support them no matter what. She is their every step of the way for them, and is their biggest fan because they wanted to be in the industry. While Loser doesn’t hate being in the industry and actually likes it, he was more so forced into it by his dad with little interference from his mom. Everyone really loves him though because he has that natural charisma.

If Winner makes a mistake and gets down on themself, Winner’s mom is always on the set to comfort them and hang with them in the trailer. It’s rare if Loser’s parents show up, let alone would talk to him if he ever messed up. If they were on set though Loser would get the yelling of a lifetime from his dad.

Loser was jealous of how when they were younger, Winner could always do the cool action packed things. In my original Loser reference sheet, I stated that I headcanon Loser as being disabled but not specifically GERD, Fibromyalgia, Arrhythmia, and POTS. Let me tell you as someone who has three of those diseases, it is so painful sometimes. Loser can push through it, but his dad shames him for “Your co-star is doing better then you, fix that.” leading to his extreme internalized ableism in himself where he feels he can’t talk or show any weakness around others or people will not see him as the guy he sets himself up to be.

After Loser and Winner have their duo break up, his dad really emphasizes he thinks it’s his fault their little thing fell apart. On the flipside, he’s happy now that he “eliminated” what was holding him back.

Now where’s Loser’s mom during this? Being a bystander and not interfering with anything. Loser and his mom barely interacted even in his childhood.

I guess moral of today’s Losercake post is, after years he reconciles with Winner and is kinda just his new family now. Found family and all!

I have some more Loser’s parents writing ideas that I would love to speak about, but most of them come from the general experience of being Asian American and my headcanon of Loser being Wasian, and I don’t know if people want to hear that to much? Maybe another time!

Shoutout to my qpp btw

[bingoboingobongo]

Hey, don't know if you want more requests but here's this. Task force 141 reacting to their daughter grumpily trudging up to them saying some boy at their school won't take no for and answer and "apparently you're scarier than I am so could you please make him go away?" They're just bitter that their dad is more intimidating.

task force 141 + protecting their daughters

Characters: Simon "Ghost" Riley, John "Soap" MacTavish, John Price, Alejandro Vargas, Rodolfo "Rudy" Parra

Warnings: none

A/N: hmmm i don't normally like writing family au's but in the spirit of growth here we are (and it's not so bad lol)

simon "ghost" riley:

okay so i don't think it's a surprise that if simon found out some guy was harassing his kid at school he would flip out

are we surprised that simon is a super protective dad?

no. not at all.

you would probably have to physically stop him from trying to find out everything about the harasser so he could go beat him up

because lord knows if left unattended he would do exactly that

he has his own experience with people taunting and harassing him as a child and simon wants his kid's childhood to be polar opposites with his own

and this annoying boy at school is a threat to that

and simon's literally been trained to take out threats guys let's be fr

after he manages to cool down he ends up going to pick up his daughter from school and he has her point out who the guy who's giving her trouble is

he doesn't even have to say anything because as soon as this little snot sees ur kid pointing at him with simon staring daggers at him he's two seconds away from peeing his pants

and it's for good reason too because keep in mind this is like a 3'2 child (i don't actually know how tall children are) compared to a 6'4, probably over 200 pounds of muscle, simon with a death glare that's sent shivers down grown men's backs

i mean this kid has no chance sorry dude

definitely turns around and immediately sprints away

and what do you know the next day the snot-nosed turd doesn't even look at your kid except for terrified peeks in her direction

but you know simon still wishes he got to talk with (re: beat up) the kid

john "soap" mactavish:

alright so soap tries to solve things with humor so when he finds out some turd is harassing his daughter the first thing he does is try to make her feel better with some jokes

"geez that kid's a real idiot, how'd he pass first grade?"

"don't let it affect you, sweets, you're too good to be worried about someone who spends 90% of their brainpower on stupid things."

basically soap will trash talk this kid

and yk what same so i can't even blame him

when his daughter asks soap to deal with the kid, he definitely pats her on the back and says something like "i'll see what i can do" and then takes her out for ice cream

soap desperately wants to be the favorite parent so he's hesitant about going all "this kid must be stopped and i will do anything to ensure justice is served" in front of his daughter

definitely calls the school to get a better read on what's going on and then goes to talk to the parents themselves

and unfortunately soap doesn't exactly have ghost's height to help him intimidate people but one thing soap does have is massive muscles

that being said he doesn't want to go full intimidation mode so he tries to breach the topic lightly with the parents

but he will put his foot down if needed

he also insists on talking to the kid and when he does you know he threatens him in the nicest also most vaguest way possible to try and protect himself from any guilt

and although his methods may be questionable they work because the next day the snot-nosed turd apologizes to his daughter

kyle "gaz" garrick:

alright so honestly i can see gaz as the kind of parent who preaches being kind and talking things out

but he's also definitely ready to throw hands if some loser is harassing his kid

now unfortunately for gaz he is not very intimidating

i mean he's tall but other than that there's not much

what can i say he has too many pretty genes to look intimidating

definitely will threaten the kid with a smile on his face though

like he's the kind of guy to sorta smile through it and pretend he's having a great time but his words are saying something else

like once he finds out he'll make his daughter show him who the loser is while he walks her to school

and then he'll pull him aside and tell him that he needs to stop talking to his daughter or else it's not gonna be pretty

and even though there's a smile on his face there's something unsettling about it that has the boy unnerved

and so that day at school he's definitely trying to avoid her

and after that he stops being a problem

john price:

alright price is a certified dilf and he's also super duper protective

especially over his daughter

as soon as hears that someone is harassing her he is seeing red

unlike simon though there's no threat of him doing something rash

definitely will have to go outside and smoke a cigar though

he'll ask his daughter who the guy who's harassing her is and will then find out where he lives

and he'll ask you to talk your daughter out for ice cream and a movie and while you're gone he goes to pay the harasser a little visit

i mean when it comes to protecting his daughter price is stone cold

i mean he is more than ready to threaten this kid if he even dares to look in her direction

and he will make sure the kid knows he's serious about it too

and price will only say things once so god forbid the kid doesn't learn his lesson

if so then um

the kids gonna miss a lot of school is all im gonna say

will then pick you guys up from ice cream and a movie and ask how it was

and will tell his daughter that everything's taken care of and to let him know if the kid tries anything again

and then the next day the kid literally refuses to look at your daughter

so mission accomplished

alejandro vargas:

alright so honestly i feel like alejandro is lowkey really intimidating

like idk it's that one smile he does that's sorta unsettling if you're not viewing it through a "omg he's so hot he's my babygirl i love him" lense

so to kids he can be scary when he wants to

when he finds out someone is harassing his daughter he absolutely flips out

one thing about alejandro is he definitely has a short fuse when it comes to people disrespecting stuff he cares about

also with the cartel and stuff he's very very concerned about his daughter's well-being and how she grows up

he wants to keep her seperate from all the violence of his workplace as long as possible so he tries to keep his cool in front of her

but it's pretty obvious how mad he is (as he should)

he makes his daughter point out who the kid is the next time he picks her up from school and then tells her to wait in the car while he deals with him

since it's in public he can't really do anything drastic but he can still be really scary

like he is not afraid to show this kid a glimpse of a gun to let him know that he means business

and maybe it's kinda sadistic but he wants this kid to be wetting his pants as retribution for what he did to his daughter

and you know what it worked because when alejandro returns the car he gives her a kiss on the top of her head, tells her he's proud of her for talking to him about this, and then drives away before she can see the kid crying with a wet spot on his pants

rodolfo "rudy" parra:

ok you guys know i love rudy but we have to face the facts

he just simply is not intimidating

i mean have you seen that clip of him yelling "special forces!" as he breaches that house in texas?

im sorry but he's just too cute it doesn't work out

but just because he's not intimidated doesn't mean he can't deal with his kid's problems

he absolutely loves his daughter and wants the best for her so when he finds out someone's harassing her he's less mad and more sad that she's going through this

he definitely will make sure she is okay at first and then take her on a day out just to make sure she's happy

and then he'll speak to her teacher to try and get a better feel of what's going on

at first he would probably let the teacher handle it because unlike some of the others he's on the fence about threatening a kid

but if the teacher proves to be incapable then he will take things into his own hands

he'll pull the kid aside and try and tell him nicely to back off and stop harassing his daughter

and if that still doesn't work then the serious voice comes out and you can just tell he's ready to throw hands

which honestly is kind of intimidating in and of itself because it's such a contrast to his normal behavior

and then the next day the kid apologized and then spent the rest of the year giving his daughter plenty of space

[sweetcloverheart]

You know, thinking about it some more, by "Derision"'s own premise - Marinette should have absolutely hated (or at least distrusted) Adrien day one regardless of the Umbrella apology, because him being friends with Chloe would have been the major issue/deal breaker. The moment she hears he's Chloe's childhood friend, she would have been doing utmost to avoid him at every turn despite him being so nice to her (After all, Kim was nice to her too, and look what happened there) because all the apparent deepseated trauma Chloe's prank left her.

Also, by extension, the class would have distrusted him too (and Kim maybe)? This is a dude that's apparently besties with the girl who's been harassing them for years and made their beloved favorite classmate go through a super traumatizing event the year before. A good majority of Adrien's first few months at Francois Dupount should have been the miraclass all avoiding him and playing interference whenever he tried to interact with Marinette, with the only minor exceptions being Nino (Who is the goodest of boys and also wasn't in the same class as Mari and Co when it happened but really should know regardless considering Chloe videotaped it and put it online?), Alya (Who just transferred in and likely wouldn't know what's happening either), and Chloe+Sabrina (The former of whom is more than happy that the losers are keeping away from her precious Adrichou! More of him for her then!). (And maybe also Kim? He probably sees it as Adrien going through what he did after the prank and deciding to buddy up/help him out since "nobody here knows how to take a joke")

Meanwhile, Adrien would feel so confused and isolated because his class all just hates him for some reason and he has no clue what he might of did to make them all mad at him? And it just makes school feel like home except 100 times worst because at least he (thinks he) knows why his dad often ignores and avoids him. And speaking of, he can't go to him about the problem because he'll just use the class's actions as an excuse to lock him back up in the manor for homeschool because it just "proves" he was completely right about Adrien not being safe at public school, and Chloe's no good either because her "help" (i.e Calling daddy or the principal to take away a class privilege or get a trip/activity cancelled those mean losers made her precious Adrien sad - so fix it or else!) ends up just worsening the divide, so he's basically on his own except for Plagg (who sadly can't really intervene in a way that would actually solve the issue). It also ends up funneling into making his crush on Ladybug 220% more codependent because it's literally one of the very few relationships he has where he isn't being treated like a leaper, idol, or a nuisance...except it turns out she also hates Adrien - but that's fine, because Chat Noir hates Adrien too! Dude's just the worst, don't you think my lady? So everything fine because they can hate Adrien together and bond through that (self hatred and poor coping mechanisms go brrr~)!

Basically the first 2 and a half seasons should have played out like an "Enemies!AU" where Marinette and most of the Miraclass is convinced Adrien is Chloe's new vice chief bully and act accordingly as Adrien desperately tries (and fails) to make friends and figure out why everyone dislikes him so much, while the Ladynoir side has the two bonding over how much they hate that lame blonde modeling twink from the magazines.

...Ah crap, now I want to make an AU.

[robintherobiner]

Types of fics i need more of:

de-age fics. Baby Bruce? Teen Bruce? Baby Dick? Teen Dick? Baby Jason? Teen Jason. The list goes on and on. deage them all. is it sad? is it funny? is it cute? is it traumatic? i dont care, make them all little.

ghost fics. i want Jason to haunt the shit out of his family. he sees them all grieving, comes back to life, and instead of killing people he just leaves ominous notes like "i saw you trip on your cape." or "leave fifty bucks at *address* or i'll tell everyone about your superman body pillow."

Tim being an utter loser. I love him, but he should be incredibly put together in public and then he gets home and just... is a mess. never felt the touch of anyone, woman or man. can do complex mathematical equations but needs a calculator to solve 4 x 3. think Sherlock Holmes, who can tell everything about you from one look but doesnt know the earth revolves around the sun.

Alfred being called out for being an enabler! fuck that old man, i hate him. however if he made me a cup of tea, i would die for him. Im a very complex person.

Dick being Damians dad. so cute, i love it. Damian deserves to have his own taste of found family. fuck blood of the womb, lets go with blood of the covenent or whatever the quote says.

Jason being childish!!! i think his mental age should younger than his physical one cuz, trauma, being dead, being catatonic in some cases, also just being pretty young anywas? gimme a fic where he comes home covered in blood cuz he just killed four guys and then goes to have a shower so he can play with his rubber duckies.

kiddie crushes!!! gimme more Jason loving Wonder Woman and being an utter fanboy when he encounters her. "Oh em gee you're here to apprehend me? Wonder Woman, this is such an honor, can i have your autograph-" Young Dick meeting Superman for the first time and hiding under Bruce's cap because "He's so pretty Bruce, he's gonna hear my heart go fast!" Tim meeting Constantine and, to everyones despair, somehow adoring him. "So you do magic? Thats like, so cool! Tell me all about it. My parents were archeologists, we probably have loads of of magical objects, do you wanna check them? Do you like coffee? Did you really sell your soul to multiple people? Thats so hot- I MEAN COOL SHIT FUCK-"

Literally anything about Dicks time in the circus. I think i've only read like two fics about it? Compared to the hundreds going indepth on Tim and Jason's childhoods?

Similar to the last one, but gosh the culture shocks they all probably had! Dick was used to constantly moving from city to city. Jason going from being on the street to a mansion. Tim going from boarding school, a place full of kids his own age, to being alone in his house so that he could be Robin. Damian was used to being respected and honored, he was a prince after all, only to suddenly be told that everything he knew was wrong.

Babs and Tim. I think they would get along, i wanna see them bonding!

Joker Junior. i know its not canon and it was only in like one cartoon but oh my GOD i love it.

Trauma reveals!! i love them. Dick's time in spyral, his apprenticeship with Deathstroke, the multiple fucked up relationships he's been in. Everything Tim did during 'Brucequest', Jasons time with the LOA, literally anything from Damians childhood.

Jon being aged up and his relationship with Damian! i dont even need to add anything, you get the point.

Dana, Jack, and Janet. I want it so bad!!! Dana is implied but never confirmed to be dead so bring her back and let her and Tim mourn!! let Tim find out his parents both slept with Bruce and have Bruce be like "oops i forgot about that, soz sweetie-" let tim hate christmas eve because thats when his mother was buried!

if anyone has recs for any of these sort of fics, PLEASE GIVE THEM TO ME. i've probably read most of them already, but i have a terrible memory so i love re-reading fics. just, gimme gimme gimme

[guess-that-ship]

S10 Loser's Bracket Round 1

Call me page me if you wanna meet me

cw: spoilers

Character A has been haunted for years by an evil that ruined his childhood, leading him to try to learn as much about it as he can. In his research he learns of character B, who spent his life saving people from said evil, and A becomes somewhat parasocially fond of him. Unfortunately for him, B died before they could meet. A refuses to believe it though, and travels around the world to try to find him.

A actually manages to find him, but B’s in a lot of pain and being artificially kept… sort of alive. B doesn’t trust A at first, assuming he’s just going to hurt him like everyone else does, but when A puts himself in harms way for B despite them just meeting, B tells A everything he knows. B dies for real, but before doing so trusts A with something he’s never told anyone- the name he wanted to be called.

Not the sharpest bisexuals in the shed

Red's job is to kill people. He has a very annoying second best friend who seems like a tagalong, but is actually terrifyingly competent. Second Best Friend (2BF) has no other friends, possibly due to his spectacular failure to act normal around anyone, ever, and is some twisted type of lawful neutral with a carveout for whatever Red needs, while Red's only other friend is an animal and his sense of morality is a caricature of jingoism—until now, when he's starting to regret his past. They're very violent, and they're both really, really dumb.

2BF is obsessed with Red, way more than Red is with him. However, 2BF is fiercely loyal to him and only him, making him the most reliable backup Red will ever have, and giving 2BF a reason to be more careful about who he kills. When Red chokes, 2BF has his back. Where others are inclined to use Red's dad as leverage, 2BF is very protective of Red and understands the dad as an abuser, as opposed to Red being his legacy. 2BF is also the one who can get through to Red when Red is making bad choices. In spite of 2BF's inability to process emotions in a typical way, he manages to get Red to talk about his own feelings, albeit through the dumbest conversations possible.

While they build good relationships with other coworkers, no one quite gets them like they do each other. They have fun together. They have threesomes (still gay if it's a three way). They blow up shit for giggles and accidentally injure each other and laugh about it. 2BF would die for Red if he had to—but he'd rather kill for him. Red, for his part, appreciates the deepening of their relationship from surface level antics to serious emotional sharing.

[yenforfairytales]

Terry Silver has a lot of enemies, being the type of man he is (also: money)…but his Number One Enemy isn’t Kreese. It’s Bruce Springsteen. How dare this skinny punk bitch dad-rock loser have first place in Danny boy’s heart?! Why does Daniel love him so much? Why does he wear t-shirts with his stupid face on it and him along to his corny lyrics??

Daniel:…You need to calm down.

Terry: 🔥 🔥 🔥

Daniel: Omg

Daniel walking around like this and driving Terry crazy

Really, Danny boy? Why don't you just tattoo his face on your ass? No, wait-- don't do that!!!!!

Terry thinks it's cute in the beginning that Daniel has all of Springsteen's records and knows all the words to his songs - Daniel knows all the words to any song - until Terry helps Daniel unpack from moving into his mansion and uncovers a box full of posters and tshirts.

Daniel: Careful with those. Oh, hey! I used to hang that one over my bed.

Terry: Which one--

Daniel:

Terry: ................Trash. TRASH. INTO THE FIRE.

Daniel: Terry, no! Get back here!!

---

From that day forward, a day that will live in infamy, Bruce is Enemy Number One. Enemy of the State. The Silver Estate to be exact. Top of The Shit List. That's right, Terry has one.

He could've never guessed that his most dangerous rival doesn't even know karate.

He can't escape him. It's the 80's. Springsteen is still... The Boss.

Terry's tempted to use his connections to get this greasy wannabe outta the mainstream, maybe cause an accident, but he's above this. Daniel is his. He has no reason to be insecure ha ha

Unless--

No no no. Ridiculous. He's Terry Fucking Silver. He can live with this.

---

They're on the couch one evening, looking through photo albums. Daniel loves to scrapbook and put them together. Terry never cared for this kind of thing, his memories not so fond and his family not so warm.

But Daniel puts them together so lovingly and sweet who wouldn't want to flip through a few. They do look good together.

Terry picks up an older album from Daniel's childhood

Daniel: Aww, man, look at these. I went through such a Springsteen phase. I wanted to be him so bad.

Terry: *schooling his features to keep from seething*

Terry: Just a phase, huh? You never take photos like that for me.

Daniel: Yeah, I realized I'd never be as cool as him, ya know?

Terry: Ah--

Daniel: He's still the best, though. Nobody wears jeans like him.

Daniel: Terry? Are you okay? Babe! Breathe!!!

---

Terry sits with his arms and legs crossed. Somehow simultaneously pouting and glowering.

His sweet, gentle Danny boy has been pacing and ranting for over an hour.

Daniel: Why can't I go to the concert, huh?! What's the big deal?? You can't tell me what to do!!

Terry: Why don't you want to stay home with me??? I can sing too, Daniel! I can sing!

Daniel: ....whAT?

Terry: I could sing better than that prick AND play the piano while I do it!

Daniel: I didn't know you could sing. :D

Terry: *turning pink* Well... you never asked.

Daniel: Okay, let's hear it. Sing me a song. :3

Terry: What, now??

---

Daniel brags at length to anyone who will listen that his multi-talented boyfriend sings to him on the regular.

---

Daniel catches on eventually.

Miss Margaret may or may not have left a certain list out for him to find.

But his Boss tshirts always ending up at the bottom of the laundry would have tipped him off.

---

Terry's at his desk in Dynatox HQ when he gets a large envelope signed from Daniel.

Inside is a photograph of his beautiful boy just for him, according to the note inside.

He pockets the note and keeps the photo on his desk for years.

Okay. So maybe, once in a while, a supervised Springsteen concert can be tolerated. VIP seating.

Maybe.

---

It's always a touchy subject and the grandchildren know not to trigger grandad. But one crisis at a time.

Terry: Please. That was decades ago. I bet he looks like a bloated bald--

Daniel: Have you seen Bruce lately?

Terry: What do you mean.

Daniel:

Terry: MOTHERFUCK--

[hollowsart]

I do like how Norman Osborn was chosen to be the Green Goblin by the writers who originally didn't even know who actually WAS the Green Goblin, because Norman is like.. the last person you'd ever think would be GG

however.. to me.. it doesn't exactly make much sense. his motives and reasons don't equate in my mind for any logical or reasonable reason for him to BE the Green Goblin in the first place:

Son is a loser crybaby whiner worthless heir to his corporate legacy in his eyes, an utter disappointment

Son's friend seems more like a promising young mind that he is actually interested in having take over for him or at the very least come work for him.

Son's friend is put-off by him and rejects his offers to come work for him and he feels upset by this??

??????

Kill Spider-Man? For some reason?

idk I just never understood it much. I feel like a fun and better and more logical choice would have been Harry right from the start. you could say he was fed up with his father and so he decided to steal some of his dads own technology and such, finding that "Globulin Green" enhancement drug thing as well maybe idk (most of his "insanity" would be derived not from a side effect of the drug, but from his own bottled up anger and frustrations against his dad. the drug merely exacerbates it)

Harry's taking more after school curriculums that involve more advanced levels of engineering and computing/programming and even some robotics maybe?

This is all to help him put together the whole "Green Goblin" thing, building the glider from the stolen tech as well as little pumpkin grenades/bombs and possibly more.

Then.. It ends up with Harry VS Spider-Man cuz Spidey came around to stop Harry from trying to potentially kill his dad. It's not like Norman has really done anything to deserve the saving, but there's better ways of dealing with this. Harry's way is far too extreme, far too over the edge.

but this can just lead to a really hard hitting moment when Harry learns that his best friend Peter is Spider-Man:

"You? You were the Spider-Man? and you didn't do anything to help me even though you knew? About my dad and everything I'd been having to go through?

..I thought you were my friend.

I guess you really don't know anyone as well as you'd think, not even your own childhood friends." -- Harry after Peter reveals himself to be Spider-Man.

[sundered-souls]

Aïcha Bedi

B A S I C S

Name: Aïcha Bedi

Nicknames: none

Age: In her thirties

Nameday: 28th Sun of the 5th Umbral Moon (which she probably shares with a bunch of my characters)

Race: Midlander hyur

Gender: Cis woman

Orientation: Mostly straight

Profession: Adventurer, formerly a contract killer

P H Y S I C A L     A S P E C T S

Hair: Long and curly. She takes great care of it and regularly despair at what Inge does with hers.

Eyes: Brown

Skin: Fair, but tan easily. Considering how much time she spends outside, people tend to assume her skin is darker than it actually is (on this point the screenshots aren't very accurate since they don't show her tan but that'd be a nightmare to represent accurately XD)

Tattoos/scars: No tattoos whatsoever. She's got plenty of scars, most aren't really remarkable, but there are two that are special: one from Zenos' blade when he stabbed her in Rhalgr's Reach (it's not just her ego who got bruised that day, sorry MSQ), and one from her cesarean section while she was on the First. Don't worry: nothing creepy happened while she was unconscious, G'raha just had the worst timing ever.

F A M I L Y

Parents: Her father lives peacefully in Tural. She has no idea where her mother is, if she's still alive or even who she was since she left when Aïcha was still an infant.

Edmont de Fortemps also counts (haha) as a paternal figure in her life.

Siblings: None by blood. She does consider Alisaie and Alphinaud like her siblings, however. Artoirel and Emmanellain are more like extended family.

Grandparents: Long dead of her father's side. No idea on her mother's.

In-laws and Other: Well, she's in a relationship with Estinien so I suppose Alberic counts as her father in-law. The moment both realized that their respective father would have to meet eventually was glorious, because the dad jokes will be neverending and mostly at their expense.

Officially, they also have a kid together born during her time on the First.

Officially, because Estinien offered to adopt the kid and pretend he was the biological dad. Only three people know who said bio dad truly is, none of them is the man in question, and Aïcha would rather die than say it out loud. It's one thing to make dubious life choices, another one to let the world know about it...

(I haven't decided on the name or gender yet, but we can thank @gatheredfates for the prompt she sent me. It got completely out of hand but I'm having a lot of fun with the idea it gave me.)

Pets: None

S K I L L S

Abilities: Excellent shooter, although her mechanical skills don't go much further than what she needed to maintain her guns. She hasn't touched one in years and has no intention to change that.

Excellent dancer given that she's trained since childhood. She dances about as much for the artistry of it as for the self-expression it allows without having to speak her feelings out.

She also went through the GLD/PLD quests in Ul'dah, and that's mainly how she's been fighting since then.

She's also a surprisingly good poet and singer, albeit that's not known to many people.

Hobbies: Writing or reading poetry, singing, dancing and trying out new food (including the kind of food that even the most adventurous people hesitate to put in their mouth). She's pretty receptive to art in general to be honest and will gladly watch plays or go to concerts if she can.

T R A I T S

Most Positive Trait: Open-minded

Most Negative Trait: her competitiveness. You'd think someone who succeeds as well as her would be graceful when she loses but fuck no! Every Scions and most people who played even a card game against her once know that she's a sore loser and will use every loophole under the sun to try to win lmao

L I K E S

Colors: carmine and gold

Smells: campfires, incense, fresh flowers, the ocean

Textures: Soft fabrics (silk and satin especially), the sand under her feet, the breeze against her skin (yeah it counts as a texture)

Drinks: the main thing that matters is how much caffeine there's in it and how much sugar she can add to it

O T H E R    D E T A I L S

Smokes: No

Drinks: Alcohol sometimes, but never a lot and only very, very occasionally since the banquet and then the drugged beverage in Falcon's Nest. For the most part, she runs on water as well as coffee and tea if available.

Drugs: No, she hates not feeling in control of herself

Mount Issuance: Aïcha didn't join any free company. That'd mean taking orders and she's no soldier, so she didn't have a mount until Haurchefant offered her her black chocobo. As you can guess, it's been her mount ever since.

I'm not entirely clear on the timeline in StB yet for her, but if she got her yol, she left it with the Mols.

Been Arrested: no but she should have.

Tagged by: @lilbittymonster (ty again! I'm probably not gonna tag you every time because you'll get tired of it at some point I think XD)

Tagging @xsummoner-kuro @hinganskies @briar-ffxiv @confusedtia @paintedscales @fair-fae @mrlarkstin @thatonediviner @fatewalker @otherworldseekers @saeta @airis-ray @mymistymornings @riftdancing @sailor-artemis @starforger and anyone else interested. Feel free to ignore the tag if that's not your thing, and I'll do that template for more characters during the week so I'll tag new people then!

[textualdesires]

Liar, liar [Eddie Munson x Reader]

You get dared to kiss the freak. Things don’t go as planned.

Contents: Fluff, Slight Angst, Violence, Blood (a tiny bit), Smoking, Underage Drinking, Swearing

You hated parties. From the bottom of your heart, you did.

You hated squeezing through the loud and sweaty crowds.

You hated your fellow seniors get shitfaced, girls vomiting and guys starting fights.

You hated the younger kids that hung around, fucking ip their lives, just like you hated the college kids that hung about these parties, trying to get into a poor junior’s pants.

What you hated most, however, was the jocks.

You didn’t know how you happened to come into their circle.

It was Chrissy who originally dragged you along to one of their parties. The two of you had been friends since childhood, living right across each other.

To say you didn’t drift apart would be a flat out lie.

Even if you tried to grasp onto a friendship that was long lost, the two of you just didn’t share many interests.

Chrissy listened to Madonna whilst you were focused on Metallica.

Chrissy was the star cheerleader and you had been one of the stronger debate club members.

Chrissy was popular and beautiful and you were… you.

You are propped into your favorite band shirt, washed a million times only to wear it again, the print already fading.

A leather jacket hangs loosely over your shoulders. It used to be your dads, a hand me down you cherished.

Your legs are covered by torn up tights over which you wear your favorite bootie shorts, ones you cut out of your old jeans.

Your black leather boots are clad on your feet, the chains on them rustling with every step.

A bright red bandanna pushes your hair out of your face, where black eyeshadow meets red lipstick.

And of course people notice. Jason is the loudest in his dismay. He doesn’t want to be seen hanging out with you. Frankly, you‘re a loser.

Chrissy would tell him off, would soothe you, saying he didn’t mean it. The two are the Highschool sweethearts, so of course he wouldn’t argue over something so small.

You take a swig off your beer, hands clasped around the brown bottle. It’s stale, but better than whatever spiked punch the others are drinking.

You stand in the kitchen, away from the loud bustle, only some thirsty teenager coming over every now and then.

You are good by yourself, just drowning in your own little world.

„If it isn’t the mighty [Y/N]. You look lost.“ A voice calls and your eyes dart up to meet the ones of Eddie Munson.

You know him, of course you do, he has quite the reputation, after all.

Besides, you hang out at the same jigs. Hawkins‘ metal scene wasn’t huge, meeting each other was inevitable.

„Ah, just not in the mood to join the teens making out outside. Or listen to some more shit tunes.“

Eddie chuckles, grabbing a beer for himself which he skillfully opens with his teeth. He clinks your bottle, nodding to your previous statement.

„I see you at Jimbo‘s all the time, when we play our gigs. If I didn’t know better I’d say you’re a fan.“

You have to laugh a tiny bit, shaking your head.

„I’m a regular at Jimbo’s. I’m there more often than you, probably.“

„If you say so, doll.“ He says.

„Well, it’s the only metal joint in Hawkins. Where else would I go, dickhead?“

He shoots out his tongue, giving you a snarky answer before he takes a sip.

Finally he scans you properly, his eyes stopping at your shirt.

„Nice shirt.“ He says with a wink. You’re ready to give a compliment back when you’re interrupted by Jason, calling your name.

„[Y/N]- what are you doing, talking to the freak? Is he bothering you?“

„I can talk with whom I want to, Jace. He wasn’t bothering me.“

„Whatever. Chrissy asks you to join a round of truth or dare. You coming?“ He asks, rolling his eyes.

You look at Eddie, shooting him an apologetic smile. You don’t want to leave, at all. But what choice do you have? You don’t want to cause a scene, especially not with Jason.

„Sure. Let’s go.“ You say, turning to leave and pushing Jason softly.

„You better not bother her again, freak!“ Jason calls towards Eddie as you leave, to which Eddie shoots him a grimace.

You turn around in the doorframe, mouthing a small sorry towards Eddie, who just shoots you a grin back.

——

„So, [Y/N]. Truth or dare?“ Angie, one of the cheerleaders asks you. You aren’t exactly pumped to play, but Chrissy‘s happy smile as you joined is reason enough to stay.

„Truth.“ You answer, taking a sip of your beer.

„Do you have a crush on someone?“ She blurts out. The group laughed a bit. They knew you didn’t exactly do dating. Your last ex was a drummer from one of the shitty small-town metal bands, who left state and broke up with you to pursues his career. He of course didn’t make it far. And you were left ridiculed.

Your eyes scan the room, a grin landing on your lips as you see Eddie trying desperately to get the host to play his tape. Jeez.

You have met Eddie countless times now.

He is smart.

Talented with the guitar.

Just your type.

But you could never admit it to the jocks. They would ridicule you forever.

„Yes.“ You answer. Chrissy immediately squeals, that being news to her.

„What? Who?“

„That wasn’t the question.“ You

say, spinning the bottle once more.

The round goes on but you knew you had caught yourself in a dilemma. Your next turn, you couldn’t choose truth.

They would ask who your crush was and you certainly don’t feel like sharing that.

„How come I didn’t know about your crush?“ Chrissy quietly asks beside you and you just shrug.

„I guess it’s pretty recent. Just didn’t come up.“ You answer shortly, the focus turning back to the group as the bottle lands on Jason, who chooses truth.

„Jason. Would you rather go to one of Munson‘s gigs or join the mathletes for their weekly pizza date?“ They ask, causing the group to laugh. You stay quiet.

The mathlete pizza time really is a special occasion. Talking about the newest mathematical discoveries and making an equation on how likely you are to get olives on your pizza slice is horrible.

But you already know what Jason will answer.

„Listen to the freak’s whiney noise? Over my dead body. I’d rather go on twenty metal gigs than join Munson and his stupid friends.“ He answers and you once again stay quiet as the group starts laughing, ridiculing Eddie for being different.

„He’s such a weirdo. Bet he killed someone or something. Sacrificed someone to Satan.“ Angie theorizes and again you stay awfully quiet.

„He’s kinda nice, actually.“ You mumble into your bottle.

All eyes are on you now. Like you said something so outrageous you should be shamed for eternity.

„What?“ Jason asks first.

„He’s nice. A lot nicer than some of you.“ You say with newfound confidence. Maybe it was the five beers you had up to now. The group breaks out into laughter again.

„You are so strange, [Y/N]. Defending the freak. Seriously.“ Jason calls and you just sink into yourself.

This proves your suspicions. You could never act on the hopeless crush you had on Eddie Munson. Or tell anyone about it.

Jason spins the bottle, it landing on you.

You’re glad, actually. Because Jason giving you the choice of truth or dare let’s the topic die down. Or so you think.

„Dare.“ You say, knowing damn well you have no choice.

A grin spreads on Jason‘s face. Like the best idea just popped into his drunken brain, like he had a master plan.

„Kiss the freak. Since you like him so much. He keeps staring at you anyways, I’d love to see his little heart break as you do so.“ He says and you immediately spit out the sip of bear that was previously in your mouth.

Fuck.

FUCK.

——

You tried to refuse, but to no avail. The peer pressure and stupid game got you standing here, in the kitchen, drinking a shot to get your nervousness down.

Eddie is standing in the corner, quietly sipping a beer as you make it over to grab one of the bottles behind him.

„Is it fate or why do we keep meeting?“ He questions and you smile.

„Whatever you say.“ You add with a wink, reaching for the bottle opener behind him. You pretend to stumble, more or less stumbling into his arms.

„Easy there, sweetheart.“ He says as he catches you, gripping you by the sides. You’re awfully close now and you can’t hide the red tint on your cheeks. Fuck, this dare is so dumb.

„Has anyone ever told you you’re pretty, Eddie?“ You question now. It’s honest? you’re speaking from your heart suddenly.

„Pretty? No, I don’t think so. They mostly call me a freak, especially your little friends.“

He answers and you can see his expression drop for a second. His head slumps slightly and you take a deep breath in.

You grab his chin, causing him to look up at you. Your heart is beating loudly in your chest, so loud you fear it will jump out of it. With all your courage and a goal in mind, you inch in even further. Eddie doesn’t back down.

„I don’t think you’re a freak.“ You whisper against his lips, them almost brushing against each other. It’s him who takes initiative now, pressing his lips onto yours. And of course you kiss back.

The impact almost knocks you out, the dare long forgotten. It feels good, too good to be true. There is an electricity in the air as you softly dig your hands into his hair, his body so awfully close you can’t help yourself.

It’s the laughter of your so-called friends that brings you out of your trance. No. No no no. What have you done? You just ruined your chance with the one guy who doesn’t see you as Chrissy‘s weird friend. Or the weird goth kid. He kissed you. He was the one who made the move. Because he likes you, too.

„Oh Jesus, look at his face. He really thought you like him.“ Jason calls.

Eddie backs up as realization seems to hit him. This is a joke. A stupid dare. You had been playing truth or dare. Of course. He really had been ridiculed by the popular kids again.

„Eddie.“ You whisper and he looks at you, a bitter grin on his face.

„Liar, liar, pants on fire.“ He spits at you, before he leaves the room. You want to run after him, tell him you weren’t joking. Tell him the dare was just what you needed to finally make a stupid move.

But you can’t move. Instead you stand in the middle of the kitchen as the group around you laughs. They are quieting down, but Jason stays loud and confident.

„He was so butthurt.“ He says, tears in his eyes from laughing.

And finally you snap. You turn around, your fist immediately meeting Jason‘s nose. You can feel it break under impact, Jason immediately stumbling backwards as Chrissy runs to her boyfriends side.

„[Y/N]! What did you do?!“ She calls in shock and you scoff. Finally, this is over. Finally you get to admit it all.

„Fuck you, Jason. Fuck you. You keep playing with people‘s emotions and think it’s fucking funny, hm? Well let me tell you something! It is not!“

„What has gotten into you? Don’t tell me you actually care about the freak?“ He says, holding his bleeding nose. But you are far from done.

„He has a name for fucks sake. His name is Eddie. And he’s great. Amazing, really. He’s not a freak, you’re just a bully! Be honest, Jason. If Chrissy didn’t drag me in, wouldn’t I be a freak, too? Hm? Because let’s face it, I’m not that different from him.“

„Oh my god. It’s him. He’s your crush.“ Angie says now, finally putting all the pieces together.

„So what if he is? Yeah. I’m tired of hiding, I’m tired of pretending to like any of you! But I do like him! I like Eddie Munson! You happy now?“ You yell, the room now awfully quiet.

Before the jocks can even speak, you storm outside, towards the back yard. You just potentially ruined your reputation. Lost all your friends. But god, did it feel good.

——

You sit on the terrace, lighting a cigarette from the packet you strapped into your boot. You had been smoking in secret for the past year or two. Not because of your parents, no. Because of your stupid friends. Or former friends.

You try desperately to light it, struggling with your shitty lighter, but to no avail. You get pulled out of your thoughts as a flame starts in front of you. You look up, meeting Eddie‘s eyes.

Fuck. You light your cigarette, looking up at his face.

„I thought you left.“

„Just needed a breather.“ Eddie says, sitting next to you. He snags the cigarette from your lips, taking a few breaths himself.

„Gareth told me what you did in there.“

You sigh, standing in front of him now. You look at him, not sure what to say.

„I’m sorry.“

„Sorry for what? Lying to me?“

You look up at him, at his sad and hurt eyes.

„The one I’ve been lying to is me.“

„What?“

„I- I meant every word I said to you in there. Yes, they dared me, but only because I kept defending you and-I had to choose dare because otherwise I would have had to tell them who my crush was, which I guess I just told half our school anyways and I-„

He kisses you, catching you off guard.

This time you don’t hold back, pulling him in fully.

You kiss back so hard you think your lips will bruise. But god, you want to prove it to him so badly. That you like him for who he is.

He pulls back after a while, desperate for a breath of air. He looks around, as if to make sure this is not another sick joke. Then he pecks your lips once more.

He pulls you in, pressing you against his chest. A soft laugh escapes his lungs, as if he is in disbelief.

„You have no idea how long I wanted to do that.“

„Me, too.“ You answer softly.

„Well, I was right about something.“

You pull back, looking at his face.

„You really made everyone believe you liked the jocks. And hated me. How could you?“ Eddie says in fake offense and you laugh.

„Liar,liar, pants on fire.“

[hughjidiot]

Like Father, Like Libby is by far my most anticipated episode of season two of The Ghost and Molly McGee. Ever since I heard about it via leaks I've given it a lot of thought, and come up with a prediction for how the episode will go.

Well less of a prediction and more of a hope. I hope the episode shows Libby's father to be a total deadbeat loser who's barely involved in his daughter's life and does not change his ways by the end of the episode.

First off, why am I so sure he's a deadbeat? Two words: bat mitzvah. Not only did he not show up in that episode, but he was never even mentioned. There's no good reason for a father to miss one of the most important days of his daughter's adolescence, so it's safe to assume that Libby's father isn't that close to her nor does he want to be.

Now onto my prediction for the episode: the summary describes Libby being excited to see her father after receiving a late bat mitzvah gift. My guess is he's only doing so because he feels guilty about skipping Libby's bat mitzvah and wants to feel better about himself. Unfortunately Libby will read this as her father wanting to change for the better and be involved with her life again, only to be disappointed and heartbroken when it becomes obvious that no, he's still a deadbeat loser.

And yes I know that's a very heavy topic for a kid's cartoon to handle. But TGAMM has already shown they can tackle serious subjects like childhood homelessness and early 20th century European antisemitism in ways that are respectful and well-written for the target audience, so I don't see why the subject of deadbeat parents would be any different.

Anyways while this will undoubtedly be sad for Libby, I'm predicting this is how the episode will go because it sends a harsh but important message: sometimes biological parents are just awful people who won't change and you'll be better off without them in your life. And on the flip side, I feel like having Libby's dad see the error of his ways would be a really bad message to send to the target audience: "Hey kids, do you have a deadbeat parent? Don't worry, someday they'll come back and everything will be sunshine and rainbows."

[nobodysdaydreams]

My Unhinged Character Analysis/Manifesto: Why Uncle Andrew (from the Chronicles of Narnia) is the most pathetic cringe-fail villain to ever exist (and for my TMBS fans, how this man manages to be a combination of the worst traits from Curtain, Garrison, and Jeffers)

Recently TMBS and the Chronicles of Narnia went head to head in the best childhood book competition, and I commented that while I have a TMBS hyper-fixation right now, I also love Narnia and would have to vote for them in a bracket about who has the best pathetic cringe-fail villain simply because Uncle Andrew manages to take all the worst qualities of all the TMBS show villains and combine them into the ultimate mega cringe-fail pathetic loser villain.

Well @sophieswundergarten replied with this:

"OH THAT'S SUCH A GOOD POINT I hadn't considered that. Uncle Andrew is definitely the worst parts of them. He has the arrogance of Curtain, the decision to ignore ethics a bit for science of Garrison, and the inability to be in any way effective or solve problems of Jeffers. PLEASE tell me your Uncle Andrew analysis and thoughts, I would love to hear it"

And I would be more than happy to offer my thoughts because

A) I have been waiting to drop my analysis on how much of a pathetic loser this man is ever since I read the books when I was eight and

B) There are probably some TMBS fans who follow me, who have never read the Magician's Nephew, and are asking themselves "can this man I've never heard of really embody the worst of three cringe-fail TMBS villains? Is he that much of a disaster?" And if that's you, then congratulations, you are my target audience and oh boy are you in for a treat today. Strap in my friends, it is gonna be a wild ride.

Uncle Andrew is the ultimate embodiment of the phrase "F around and find out." The man F's around, and BOY does he find out.

There is a LOT, so let's start with the backstory. If you've never read Narnia (or have only read the famous one about the Wardrobe), Magician's Nephew is the first chronological book in the series in which Digory (the Professor in the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe) is a twelve year old boy sent to live at his maternal Aunt Letty's house because his dad is busy with his job (don't remember the details, not important) and they need someone to look after Digory's mother because she's sick and likely dying.

While there he befriends an eleven year old girl named Polly, and together they go exploring through the attics of their homes and the adjacent empty terraced houses (connected houses) and somehow accidently end up in Digory's Uncle's study (which they are not allowed to go into).

Important Note: Digory's Uncle is not his Aunt Letty's husband, but her brother who lives in her attic. He's described as being a very creepy and sinister looking person and looks a lot older than his age. I'll include illustrations from the book for reference as well as links to where they came from if those are available. This is what Uncle Andrew and the children look like:

When Digory and Polly realize their mistake, they try to leave Uncle Andrew's study, and the first thing Uncle Andrew does is lock them in his study, refuse to let them out, and says something to the effect of "haha, now my foolish sister can't get at you. Two children are just what I need." Here's the exact quote because Lewis puts it better than I ever could:

Digory was quite speechless, for Uncle Andrew looked a thousand times more alarming than he had ever looked before. Polly was not so frightened yet; but she soon was. For the very first thing Uncle Andrew did was to walk across to the door of the room, shut it, and turn the key in the lock. Then he turned round, fixed the children with his bright eyes, and smiled, showing all his teeth. "There!" he said. "Now my fool of a sister can't get at you!" It was dreadfully unlike anything a grown-up would be expected to do. Polly's heart came into her mouth, and she and Digory started backing towards the little door they had come in by. Uncle Andrew was too quick for them. He got behind them and shut that door too and stood in front of it. Then he rubbed his hands and made his knuckles crack. He had very long, beautifully white, fingers. "I am delighted to see you," he said. "Two children are just what I wanted." -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

A great introduction, 10/10, totally trustworthy guy.

Then, after the children beg to be let out, Uncle Andrew's like: "oh ok. You kids probably find an old man like me boring anyway. But say, before you go, Polly, why don't you take one of these nice shiny rings? NOT ONE OF THE GREEN ONES- I um... I'm saving those for a special occasion, but please, please, take one of these yellow rings, they are very fun."

Which of course is a perfectly normal way to give someone a present.

The kids don't want to spend another second with this lunatic, so Polly grabs the yellow ring and immediately disappears into thin air.

Digory is so scared he almost starts screaming, but then his uncle clamps his hand over his mouth and reminds Digory that his mother is terribly ill and hearing a scream could frighten her to death in order to shut him up, because Uncle Andrew, like Curtain, is a horrible uncle and a horrible sibling.

That's the first chapter, and the next one is basically Uncle Andrew giving Digory his big grand villain speech and giving his big grand villain origin story, all while ignoring the fact that Polly has vanished and is likely in danger, and calls his nephew rude because he keeps bringing it up.

"But what about Polly?" "How you do harp on that!" said Uncle Andrew. "As if that was what mattered! -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

Uncle Andrew announces to Digory that Polly has been a test subject (thus far the only human test subject) in his grand scientific experiment in which he has sent someone to another world using magic rings (So there's your first Curtain/Garrison comparison: conducting unethical scientific experiments on children)

Now, you might wonder, how did Uncle Andrew get these magic rings? Did Uncle Andrew come up with this magic stuff himself like Garrison invented the Whisperer?

Well, no.

Much like Curtain stole his tech from Garrison, Uncle Andrew stole his magic from his fairy godmother. According to Uncle Andrew, his fairy godmother spent her last years of life in prison, made bad life choices, and on her death bed gave him a box of magic and told him to burn it all and not mess with magic stuff. Uncle Andrew promised her he would do as she asked, but lied through his teeth. When Digory points out it's bad to break one's promises, Uncle Andrew gives his version of Curtain's "The Endless Burden of Greatness is Mine Alone to Bear" speech (his is called the "High and Lonely Destiny" speech) which goes like this:

"Oh, I see. You mean that little boys ought to keep their promises. Very true: most right and proper, I'm sure, and I'm very glad you have been taught to do it. But of course you must understand that rules of that sort, however excellent they may be for little boys—and servants—and women—and even people in general, can't possibly be expected to apply to profound students and great thinkers and sages. No, Digory. Men like me, who possess hidden wisdom, are freed from common rules just as we are cut off from common pleasures. Ours, my boy, is a high and lonely destiny." As he said this he sighed and looked so grave and noble and mysterious that for a second Digory really thought he was saying something rather fine. But then he remembered the ugly look he had seen on his Uncle's face the moment before Polly had vanished: and all at once he saw through Uncle Andrew's grand words. “All it means," he said to himself, "Is that he thinks he can do anything he likes to get anything he wants." -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

Uncle Andrew then explains that the box his godmother gave him was from Atlantis and contained dust which he used to make the rings, which allow you to travel to other worlds. Thus far, he has tested this on guinea pigs (some of which died or exploded), but guinea pigs can't tell you what they saw in the other world, nor can they travel back.

Of course, Uncle Andrew is too scared to travel to another world himself, but he wants to know what it is like, so his plan was to trick Polly into going and force Digory to go after her with two green rings so that they can make the return journey, reasoning that even if Digory told others what his uncle had done, no one would believe him (Andrew explains that the yellow rings take you to another world, the green rings take you back, but since Polly doesn't have a green one, Digory has to go after her). And I know I'm putting in a LOT of quotes, but just... this section makes Curtain of all people look humble and considerate by comparison. I mean, at least Curtain had a REASON why he was using children for his experiments other than his own cowardice (because their voices are easily trusted). Although Uncle Andrew does use Garrison's "It's my life's work" line:

"Well why didn't you go yourself then?" Digory had hardly ever seen anyone so surprised and offended as his Uncle did at this simple question. "Me? Me?" he exclaimed. "The boy must be mad! A man at my time of life, and in my state of health, to risk the shock and the dangers of being flung suddenly into a different universe? I never heard anything so preposterous in my life! Do you realize what you're saying? Think what Another World means—you might meet anything anything." "And I suppose you've sent Polly into it then," said Digory. His cheeks were flaming with anger now. "And all I can say," he added, "even if you are my Uncle— is that you've behaved like a coward, sending a girl to a place you're afraid to go to yourself." "Silence, sir!" said Uncle Andrew, bringing his hand down on the table. "I will not be talked to like that by a little, dirty, schoolboy. You don't understand. I am the great scholar, the magician, the adept, who is doing the experiment. Of course I need subjects to do it on. Bless my soul, you'll be telling me next that I ought to have asked the guinea-pigs' permission before I used them! No great wisdom can be reached without sacrifice. But the idea of my going myself is ridiculous. It's like asking a general to fight as a common soldier. Supposing I got killed, what would become of my life's work?"-The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

Now, you might be wondering: Why does Uncle Andrew want to send these children to a mysterious other world so badly? Is there something he wants them to get for him?

No.

He has no idea where they are going, and has no plan for what to do if they come back for something dangerous. He considers himself a "great scientist/magician/philosopher/scholar", but so far his "experiments" have just been him doing random stuff with magic things his fairy godmother told him to burn in the hopes that something works out.

In fact, it becomes very apparent that Uncle Andrew's intelligence is less on the level of Garrison/Curtain and much more on par with Jeffers. Unlike Curtain, who at least understands something about the tech he took from Garrison, Andrew understands as much about his godmother's magic dust box as Jeffers does about anything.

In fact, Uncle Andrew is so clueless, that even after his "years of experiments" the instructions he gave Digory (that the green rings take you home and the yellow rings make you vanish) are complete BS which leaves Digory and Polly to figure the rings out themselves. In actuality, the yellow rings take you to the Wood Between the Worlds and the green rings allow you to travel out from the wood to any world you want, provided you jump into the right "world pool" (Side tangent: this is a super cool concept that actually inspired the World Between the Worlds in Star Wars. I admittedly don't know as much about the Star Wars version, but I think it would be cool if it operates like the Narnia version where good people who go there experience it as a blissful paradise they could never forget, while it makes bad people feel sick and horrified and they lose all memory of going there as soon as they leave (but like, with light/dark side users). Even if that's not how it works, the fact that the Narnia version inspired it is interesting and I have a photo of the wood below from the page linked above).

Other side note: This also makes it unclear whether the box Uncle Andrew stole was really from Atlantis, or whether anything else he says about magic is true, because he clearly has no idea what he is talking about.

So Digory goes after Polly and through a series of complicated events, they return to London with an evil witch named Jadis (the White Witch from the Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe), who is revealed to have committed the omnicide of her own world. She doesn't have her magic powers in our world, but she's still seven feet tall, physically beautiful, insanely strong, and wants to conquer earth. Uncle Andrew is immediately horrified. Jadis yells at him, calls him a fake magician, and demands he fetch her a well-trained dragon or chariot so that she can begin her conquest. Uncle Andrew leaves to call her a cab.

This sequence is shown below (Images: X, X, X).

Now at this point, one might think that this is where Uncle Andrew realizes he is out of his depth, and seeks to find a way to get Jadis back to her own world, right?

No.

For you see, Uncle Andrew is an alcoholic, but unlike Garrison, is making no effort to stay sober or keep his drinking under control, so after being frightened by Jadis, he immediately goes to his room to get trashed (because it's the only place he can hide the alcohol from his sister).

While under the influence, he forgets about how terrifying Jadis is and starts thinking about how pretty the witch looked and decides that he (a sixty year old man who looks eighty and lives with his sister), actually has a shot with her. So he puts on some good clothes and starts fantasizing about it, before going downstairs to ask his sister for money to take Jadis on a date.

Now that the Witch was no longer in the same room with him he was quickly forgetting how she had frightened him and thinking more and more of her wonderful beauty. He kept on saying to himself, "A dem fine woman, sir, a dem fine woman. A superb creature." He had also somehow managed to forget that it was the children who had got hold of this "superb creature": he felt as if he himself by his Magic had called her out of unknown worlds. "Andrew, my boy," he said to himself as he looked in the glass, "you're a devilish well preserved fellow for your age. A distinguished-looking man, sir." You see, the foolish old man was actually beginning to imagine the Witch would fall in love with him. The two drinks probably had something to do with it, and so had his best clothes. -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

The author then informs us that Uncle Andrew claims that his day job is "managing his dear sister's business for her". No one believes this lie, not only because Uncle Andrew is clearly an idiot who could never run a business, but also because in actuality, Uncle Andrew is unemployed and in fact has been actively ruining his sister's business by running up large bills on alcohol and expensive cigars while he spends his days making guinea pigs explode in the attic in the name of great science. (Digory's Aunt Letty simply believes that her brother is crazy and is letting him live at her house because he's family).

Uncle Andrew, what with "managing dear Letty's business matters for her", and never doing any work, and running up large bills for brandy and cigars (which Aunt Letty had paid again and again) had made her a good deal poorer than she had been thirty years ago. -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

So when Uncle Andrew comes downstairs, drunk, in his fancy clothes to beg his sister for money, she asks him whether he's not ashamed after what he's done to her financially, to which Uncle Andrew replies that he needs to entertain a "distinguished foreigner". Aunt Letty calls him on his BS, and then Jadis comes in, calls Andrew her slave, and demands her chariot. Aunt Letty, after hearing this and seeing her brother drunk and Jadis dressed in what would be considered revealing clothing for 1900's London, assumes that her brother has gone from spending her hard earned money on alcohol and cigars to spending it on prostitutes, which he has brought into her good Christian home in the middle of the day while their dying younger sister and young impressionable nephew are staying with them.

At this point, Letty has had enough of her brother's foolishness. She goes off on Uncle Andrew and Jadis, calling Jadis a hussy and demanding that she leaves before she calls the police.

Jadis responds by trying to cast a spell on Aunt Letty, only to find her magic powers don't work on earth. Letty assumes that Jadis, like her brother, is also drunk and struggling to speak clearly. Jadis responds by throwing Letty across the room and instead of making sure his sister is okay, Uncle Andrew leaves that to Digory and follows Jadis out to the cab, because Uncle Andrew (like Curtain), is a horrible sibling and uncle, especially considering the child he put in danger is his dying younger sister's child and he can't even be bothered to check on his other sister who is letting him live in her house rent free even though he is actively ruining her financially.

While Aunt Letty was still hurtling through the air, the housemaid (who was having a beautifully exciting morning) put her head in at the door and said, "If you please, sir, the 'ansom's come." "Lead on, Slave," said the Witch to Uncle Andrew. He began muttering something about "regrettable violence must really protest", but at a single glance from Jadis he became speechless. She drove him out of the room and out of the house; and Digory came running down the stairs just in time to see the front door close behind them. -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

Aunt Letty recovers quickly because she's tough and nothing phases her, and she immediately sends the housemaid to the police to report a lunatic at large and have her brother and Jadis arrested.

And from this point forth, the rest of Uncle Andrew's story is just him getting physically destroyed over and over and over again in the most spectacular cringe-fail fashion, forever establishing him as the most ultimate pathetic cringe-fail villain of all time.

You see, while Uncle Andrew's first instinct was to take Jadis on a date, Digory and Polly actually decide "hey, why don't we use the rings to put this dangerous witch back to where she came from?" But being children, they can't just leave and go after the cab, so they wait for Uncle Andrew and Jadis to come back for several hours. Finally, the carriage comes flying around the corner, with Jadis riding on top of it, whipping the horse mercilessly while several policemen and a crowd of townspeople follow on foot. Jadis leaps off the cab and onto the horse's back, causing the cab to crash, and Uncle Andrew shakily claws his way out from the wreckage with his top hat bashed over his head.

"Now then," said the policeman, turning to him, "What's all this?" "Womfle—pomfy—shomf," came Uncle Andrew's voice from inside the hat. "None of that now," said the policeman sternly. "You'll find this is no laughing matter. Take that 'at off, see?" This was more easily said than done. But after Uncle Andrew had struggled in vain with the hat for some time, two other policemen seized it by the brim and forced it off. "Thank you, thank you," said Uncle Andrew in a faint voice. "Thank you. Dear me, I'm terribly shaken. If someone could give me a small glass of brandy—" -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

The policemen ignore Uncle Andrew's request for some brandy and begin to question him, because in addition to stealing and crashing a cab, Jadis has stolen clothes, robbed a jewelry store, and punched several men including a cop.

Jadis then demands the people bow down to her, but they only laugh at her. Infuriated, Jadis breaks off a lamppost to show off her strength and starts beating the policemen with it. Chaos ensues and people start panicking/rioting. Digory and Polly run out into the commotion to try to grab Jadis while holding the rings (because you can also travel by touching someone who has the rings, or by touching someone who is touching someone who has the rings, another fact Uncle Andrew "The Great Magician" was completely unaware of). This results in Jadis, Digory, Polly, Uncle Andrew, the cab driver, and Strawberry/Fledge (the horse, he has two names, it's complicated) being transported to the wood between the worlds. Digory doesn't realize that they've brought his uncle with them until he hears Uncle Andrew wailing in the dark as they travel, asking if "this is the end" and claiming that all of this is his fairy godmother's fault and he never wanted to be a magician and was apparently groomed into it by her and we should all feel very bad for him because he's just a sad little fella. It's got the same vibe as the Garrison root cellar breakdown and Curtain's YOU DON'T KNOW ME speech. I don't want to quote the whole book, but Lewis writes it so well how could I not:

Oh, thank goodness. The angry, frightened faces had vanished. The angry, frightened voices were silenced. All except Uncle Andrew's. Close beside Digory in the darkness, it was wailing on. "Oh, oh, is this delirium? Is it the end? I can't bear it. It's not fair. I never meant to be a Magician. It's all a misunderstanding. It's all my godmother's fault; I must protest against this. In my state of health too. A very old Dorsetshire family." "Bother!" thought Digory. "We didn't want to bring him along. My hat, what a picnic [...]" -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

Then the children take Jadis, Uncle Andrew, and their new companions through a pool to (you guessed it) Narnia (finally). Except this is an Adam and Eve allegory so it's actually Narnia when it's first being created.

At first, not much is happening, so Uncle Andrew actually gets the courage to stand up to Jadis, but mostly just ends up sounding like more of a loser. Very much giving when Garrison trash talks Curtain in the root cellar.

Uncle Andrew's temper at last got the better of his fears. "Yes, Ma'am, I would," he said. "Most undoubtedly I would. I should be perfectly in my rights. I have been most shamefully, most abominably treated. I have done my best to show you such civilities as were in my power. And what has been my reward? You have robbed— I must repeat the word robbed a highly respectable jeweller. You have insisted on my entertaining you to an exceedingly expensive, not to say ostentatious, lunch, though I was obliged to pawn my watch and chain in order to do so (and let me tell you, Ma'am, that none of our family have been in the habit of frequenting pawnshops, except my cousin Edward, and he was in the Yeomanry). During that indigestible meal—I'm feeling the worse for it at this very moment—your behaviour and conversation attracted the unfavourable attention of everyone present. I feel I have been publicly disgraced. I shall never be able to show my face in that restaurant again. You have assaulted the police. You have stolen—" -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

Then the group sees Aslan (Lion Jesus) singing in order to make the world and animals that live in it come alive. Jadis attacks Aslan, and then seeing her powers have no effect on him, flees in fright. Uncle Andrew (in true cringe-fail fashion) turns to do the same, trips, and falls face first into a brook. He then demands Diagory use his rings to take him home, and I'm just gonna quote the book here:

"Do what you're told this minute, sir," said Uncle Andrew. "You're an extremely disobedient, ill-behaved little boy." "No fear," said Digory. "We want to stay and see what happens. I thought you wanted to know about other worlds. Don't you like it now you're here?" "Like it!" exclaimed Uncle Andrew. "Just look at the state I'm in. And it was my best coat and waistcoat, too." He certainly was a dreadful sight by now: for of course, the more dressed up you were to begin with, the worse you look after you've crawled out of a smashed hansoncab and fallen into a muddy brook.  -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

Uncle Andrew keeps trying to get at children's rings, but is unsuccessful, and because his intelligence levels are on par with Jeffers, it wouldn't make a difference if he was successful, because he still believes that the green rings "take you home" when really all they do is take you out of the wood so grabbing them would do nothing.

Then, in a brilliant combination of Jeffers' dumb luck in securing the perimeter that one time, Curtain taking credit for other's ideas, and Garrison's mad scientist anti-ethics vibes, Uncle Andrew momentarily forgets about fleeing from the Lion. You see, before Jadis ran off, she threw a piece of scrap metal from a lamppost into the ground, and the children find that the piece of scrap metal has taken root in the ground and is now growing as a fully functioning lamppost (like a tree). Here are Uncle Andrew's thoughts on the matter:

"Remarkable, most remarkable," muttered Uncle Andrew. "Even I never dreamt of Magic like this. We're in a world where everything, even a lamp-post, comes to life and grows. Now I wonder what sort of seed a lamppost grows from?" "Don't you see?" said Digory. "This is where the bar fell—the bar she tore off the lamp-post at home. It sank into the ground and now it's coming up as a young lamppost." [...] "That's it! Stupendous, stupendous," said Uncle Andrew, rubbing his hands harder than ever. "Ho, ho! They laughed at my Magic. That fool of a sister of mine thinks I'm a lunatic. I wonder what they'll say now? I have discovered a world where everything is bursting with life and growth. Columbus, now, they talk about Columbus. But what was America to this? The commercial possibilities of this country are unbounded. Bring a few old bits of scrap iron here, bury 'em, and up they come as brand new railway engines, battleships, anything you please. They'll cost nothing, and I can sell 'em at full prices in England. I shall be a millionaire. -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

So now Uncle Andrew has momentarily forgotten his fears once he discovers (or rather his nephew discovers) a get-rich-quick scheme, and now he plans on colonizing Narnia so that he can built machines with its magic soil. Digory is more concerned with finding something in the magic land to help his mother, which Uncle Andrew regards as unimportant. (I mean even Show Curtain cared enough about Nicholas to care when he was dying):

"Uncle Andrew", he [Digory] said, "do you think there's anything here that would cure Mother?" "What are you talking about?" said Uncle Andrew. "This isn't a chemist's shop. But as I was saying—" "You don't care twopence about her," said Digory savagely. "I thought you might; after all, she's your sister as well as my Mother. Well, no matter. I'm jolly well going to ask the Lion himself if he can help me." And he turned and walked briskly away. Polly waited for a moment and then went after him. "Here! Stop! Come back! The boy's gone mad," said Uncle Andrew. He followed the children at a cautious distance behind; for he didn't want to get too far away from the green rings or too near the Lion. -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

At this point, Uncle Andrew's story diverges from the rest of the narrative. Aslan starts singing and creating the rest of Narnia's talking animals, which disturbs Uncle Andrew. His solution to dealing with his negative feelings is Curtain-level denial in that he literally gaslights himself into believing that the animals are only making animal noises which leads to him panicking because he suddenly realizes that the children, the horse, and cab driver are interacting with the animals (and thus are no doubt about to be eaten) which means the animals will eat the magic rings and then he'll be stuck in Narnia forever.

And the longer and more beautiful the Lion sang, the harder Uncle Andrew tried to make himself believe that he could hear nothing but roaring. Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed. Uncle Andrew did. He soon did hear nothing but roaring in Aslan's song. Soon he couldn't have heard anything else even if he had wanted to. [...] And when they [the animals] laughed—well, you can imagine. That was worse for Uncle Andrew than anything that had happened yet. Such a horrid, bloodthirsty din of hungry and angry brutes he had never heard in his life. Then, to his utter rage and horror, he saw the other three humans actually walking out into the open to meet the animals.

"The fools!" he said to himself. "Now those brutes will eat the rings along with the children and I'll never be able to get home again. What a selfish little boy that Digory is! And the others are just as bad. If they want to throw away their own lives, that's their business. But what about me? They don't seem to think of that. No one thinks of me." -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

But someone does think of Uncle Andrew. For you see, when the children, the cab driver, and the lead animals go off with Aslan to have an A plot, the rest of the animals are left with nothing to do but notice and curiously investigate Uncle Andrew. You see, Aslan warned the animals that an evil (the witch) has entered the land and of course, the animals stand to reason that Uncle Andrew might be the evil. The animals also can't understand Uncle Andrew like they can understand the children (because Uncle Andrew's gaslighting works both ways), and Uncle Andrew looks so thin, pale, tall, old, ugly, and dirty that the animals assume he must be a completely different species than the children and the cab driver.

So the animals move towards Uncle Andrew to investigate which leads to a chase scene. The Narnia air gives Uncle Andrew super speed (at least for an old man, he gets the ability to run like a high school track star), but the animals are faster, chase him down, and eventually surround him on all sides. (The rest of the photos are from here: X)

What struck him [Uncle Andrew] most of all was the number of open mouths. The animals had really opened their mouths to pant; he thought they had opened their mouths to eat him. Uncle Andrew stood trembling and swaying this way and that. He had never liked animals at the best of times, being usually rather afraid of them; and of course years of doing cruel experiments on animals had made him hate and fear them far more. [...] Then Uncle Andrew dropped down in a dead faint. -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

An argument then ensues amongst the animals over whether Uncle Andrew is an animal or merely a poor tree that has fallen. The bulldog smells him and insists Uncle Andrew is a type of animal, but he's outvoted by the other talking animals who insist he must be a tree. Then they debate over how best to plant him, because they can't decide if Uncle Andrew's "fluffy mop hair" or his legs are his roots. Lucky for Uncle Andrew, they figure that his legs spread out more, like roots ought to, so they plant him legs first, piling the dirt up to his knees. Then they notice that for a tree, he looks very withered, so they decide to use the elephant to give him some water.

But the Elephant walked quietly to the river, filled her trunk with water, and came back to attend to Uncle Andrew. The sagacious animal went on doing this till gallons of water had been squirted over him, and water was running out of the skirts of his frock-coat as if he had been for a bath with all his clothes on. In the end it revived him. He awoke from his faint. What a wake it was! [...]

When the watering brought him to his senses, he found himself soaking wet, buried up to his thighs in earth (which was quickly turning into mud) and surrounded by more wild animals than he had ever dreamed of in his life before. It is perhaps not surprising that he began to scream and howl. This was in a way a good thing, for it at last persuaded everyone (even the Warthog) that he was alive. So they dug him up again (his trousers were in a really shocking state by now). As soon as his legs were free he tried to bolt, but one swift curl of the Elephant's trunk round his waist soon put an end to that. -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

Once the animals determine that the muddy soaked mess of Uncle Andrew is a living creature, they decide to keep him safe until Aslan can get a proper look at him, which means Uncle Andrew is left in the care of these talking animals for several days. They built him a little cage out of trees, and offer him various things to eat. Birds drop worms on him, squirrels throw nuts at him, a donkey gives him thistles.

The Bear was especially kind. During the afternoon he found a wild bees' nest and instead of eating it himself (which he would very much like to have done) this worthy creature brought it back to Uncle Andrew. But this was in fact the worst failure of all. The Bear lobbed the whole sticky mass over the top of the enclosure and unfortunately it hit Uncle Andrew slap in the face (not all the bees were dead). The Bear, who would not at all have minded being hit in the face by a honeycomb himself, could not understand why Uncle Andrew staggered back, slipped, and sat down. And it was sheer bad luck that he sat down on the pile of thistles. "And anyway," as the Warthog said, "quite a lot of honey has got into the creature's mouth and that's bound to have done it some good." -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

In the end, the animals begin to grow found of Uncle Andrew, and hope that Aslan will allow them to keep him as their new pet. They name him "Brandy" because that is one of the few words/noises that the animals were able to understand from Uncle Andrew's muddled speeches. When Aslan finally does take a look at him, Uncle Andrew looks (unsurprisingly) like a terrified wreck and is shaking from terror and alcohol withdrawal. Aslan puts a spell on him so that he falls asleep and can be relieved of his fear and withdrawal symptoms, at least until he goes home. When they finally return to London, Uncle Andrew wakes up in the street:

No one took any notice of the children for no one had seen them go or noticed them coming back. As for Uncle Andrew, what between the state of his clothes and the honey on his face, he could not have been recognized by anyone. -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

The children rush Uncle Andrew into the house and he immediately runs upstairs. At first they worry he's going to try to grab the rest of his magic rings, but instead he locks himself in his room so that he can drink and get rid of his withdrawal symptoms before cleaning himself up in the bathroom.

The book ends with Digory's mother getting better and Digory's father inheriting a big house in the country from a dead uncle, which Digory and his parents go to live in it together. And to thank Aunt Letty for taking care of his wife, Digory's father takes Uncle Andrew to live with them because the family decides that it isn't fair that Aunt Letty should always be the one to have to deal with him (and Letty was likely going to throw Uncle Andrew on the streets anyway at this point). This is how the book (and Uncle Andrew's story) ends:

Uncle Andrew never tried any Magic again as long as he lived. He had learned his lesson, and in his old age he became a nicer and less selfish old man than he had ever been before. But he always liked to get visitors alone in the billiard-room and tell them stories about a mysterious lady, a foreign royalty, with whom he had driven about London. "A devilish temper she had," he would say. "But she was a dem fine woman, sir, a dem fine woman." -The Magician's Nephew, C.S. Lewis

So in the end Uncle Andrew decides to stop being a weird creepy uncle who does experiments on children and starts being a normal creepy uncle who brags about the hot younger "fine woman" he got to drive around London. I should also add that there are several more passages where Uncle Andrew uncomfortably comments on how attractive Jadis is, but I figured posting them would be a beating a dead horse.

In conclusion, here are all the reasons why Uncle Andrew is a brilliant combination of all of the TMBS show villain's worst qualities:

Like Curtain, he's an awful uncle and sibling and in fact is even worse because he doesn't care at all that his sister is dying and is willing to let his nephew die.

Like Curtain, he has a delusional ego but because he has the intelligence of Jeffers he has nothing to back it up with.

Uncle Andrew's ego also leads to his own version of Curtain's "Endless Burden of Greatness" speech which is known as the "High and Lonely Destiny" speech, during which he manages to insult children, women, and the lower class, right before members of all three of those groups humiliate him for the rest of the book.

Like Curtain and Garrison, he does unethical experiments on children, but unlike them, there is no specific reason why children are needed for the experiment other than Uncle Andrew being to scared to travel to another world himself and he can't pay someone else to go because he has no money and everyone regards him as crazy

Like Curtain's happiness revolution, Uncle Andrew's magic is just stuff he stole from someone else that he doesn't fully understand and ends up causing him more problems in the end.

Like Curtain ignores Garrison's ethical concerns, Uncle Andrew blows right past his fairy godmother's warning about the dust and decides to use it to make magic rings.

Like Garrison, Uncle Andrew struggles with alcohol, and while that itself is no laughing matter, Uncle Andrew puts no effort into getting better, steals money from his sister to buy brandy, and drunkenly hits on women, while Garrison managed to work for Curtain for five years without drinking.

Like Garrison, he calls his "inventions" his "life's work" even though it basically amounts to nothing.

Like Jeffers, Uncle Andrew is unintelligent and wildly incompetent, but I don't think even Jeeper's failures can top Uncle Andrew's journey in which he is planted like a tree by wild animals who throw honey in his face.

Like all three of them, Uncle Andrew is drowning in self pity and gets easily beaten by children and wild animals.

There honestly might be more comparisons, but this more than covers the highlights.

I hope I have educated the public on why this man is the ultimate pathetic loser villain and yes, it is a crime that of all the books in the Chronicles of Narnia series, this one was never made into a movie. All I wanted as a child was to see Uncle Andrew get in a cab crash, fall in the mud, get planted like a tree, and smacked in the face with some honey. But at least the Dawn Treader movie gave us Eustace, and thank you C.S. Lewis for writing so many pathetic cringe-fail villain men who get what they deserve. It's what the world needed.

@sophieswundergarten I hope you like this analysis and thank you for encouraging my unhinged ideas.