#but i also cant imagine a future where i get top surgery

[mistydear]

as many of you have probably figured/known, i’m trans! and in honor of finally (finally) scheduling a top surgery consultation, i’m gonna be accepting gnc/trans/nonbinary oneshot prompts for a while. anything sp character x reader :)

[feral-teeth]

🖌, 🕰, 👀 & 🍂 for the ask game 🫶

🖌️- Do you have/want any tattoos?

I dont have any, but I love the idea of tattoos and i get sick of seeing and feeling things being on my body really easily (like watches or like temp tattoos) so idk if its the best idea for me? I would probably only get something very abstract or something i really love.

Attached are the marble tattoos i would get on my arms and legs! Like i imagine black or gold marble along my shoulder and down, cutting off where there woukd be patchwork tattoos (like a mix of spencer agnews and anthony padillas)

Heres the link to my tattoo inspo board :3 - its among all of the other boards in that folder

I also know that once i get top surgery i want to put like, something cool on the new free real estate on my chest once it heals - like a cool feral dog or like stitches or something cool. To represent how fucking sick and badass being trans and getting top surgery is. And also being a furry i need like teeth or something feral looking on me (i wonder where i got my username from lol) ik someone on insta whos trans and he has these SICK tattoos like paw prints on the palm of his hands and some other rlly cool ones!! His name is Fox i think? Hes a huge inspo for me and my furry journey/trans journey for a while.

Also a tooth. Cuz fuck yeah

The future of having patchwork tattoos on my arms when i get money for it… it keeps me going. I cant wait to look fucking HOT esp w black ink cuz i find it super hot and more aesthetic on me.

I remember there was a self-love influencer and she had two tigers on her belly, and i loved the idea of that and to appreciate my stomach more.

. I also love the idea of having angel wing tattoos cause i used to always imagine having angel wings and wrapping them around me when i was scared or needed comfort. So they would represent that comfort. I also imagined them like, dragging on the ground behind me sometimes, like my wings were too big for my body. I imagined them as like gold and red and w like splashes of bright colours.

🕰️ - What time is it where you are rn?

Well its 6:01pm as i start to write this - lets see how long it takes for me to post it lol - checking in its 6:26pm - now its 6:35pm - 6:40pm abt to post

👀 - what colour are your eyes?

Brown, but golden in the sunlight! I have an old photo that i love when i was in British Colombia in the car and the sun was shining so perfectly and i got a picture of my golden eyes. Its such a beautiful picture i might just find it and post it here after i answer this <3 also reminds me of a photo i took of the mountains out the window that was literally a perfect screenshot of the beautiful moment. It makes me miss my old instagram where i used to only post aesthetic photos i took 😔probs gonna make my personal account do just that now 🫡

🍂-whats your favorite season?

Fall always! I love the season i was born in (i heard thats usually a proven thought) and even tho its moving into dead winter, it feels like new beginnings and a clean, fresh start because school used to start for me around then and its my bday in fall too so its like new school supplies? Presents? Money?? Amazing. This will surely change my life for the better! And all of this ruin and pain will fall behind me cuz i have new clean fresh pens and a new journal and a new schedule i know ill just drop after a month ! (Digital planners saved me sm omg)

But i also love every season and the poetry and meanings and atmospheres they bring. I always get so sad in the winter, but that sadness and pain being surrounded by so much joy and brightness and christmas lights and a hazy glow makes a good contrast for poetry and your own depression so 🤷 spring is new beginnings. The contrast between winter and spring and meaning new life and the dead rotting and turning into something that helps the fertilizer grow is such a strong concept for me. Summer being so hazy in the heat with heat lines coming off of the sidewalk, your ice cream melting onto the hot pavement, making it sizzle. The sadness that summer can bring too. The heat and fun and sun that everyone seems to be having while youre stuck inside or watching them through a haze of your own, you want to break the glass between you and the others but its just too thick, so you just slam on the glass, yelling, hoping that someone, anyone can hear you on the other side.

Back to fall - Now my bday just makes me sad 😔 whats funny is that it usually still feels like summer when its my bday, so its like im still in that hazy summer, preparing for the winter and dead leaves on the ground that are pronised every year.

From this ask game - get to know me! 💖

[hellishvu]

Jungkook: 0504 Love Bot

— where jungkook is the last A.I found at the university, the thing is you found him and he's living with you.

a/n: a double!! upload i am the definition of insane, i wrote this story a long time ago so if it seems... off or grammar sucks i’m sorry! if the ending seems a bit undone it’s because there’s like another section, but i really don’t like it so i didn’t add it. if you want the entire 6,000 word story. visit my old wattpad! have a good day/evening/night

You were walking down the halls of your university. You were in a university that didn't have the best reputation but did have the best program for your major. You lived near the science department of the College. The weekly walks by it and hears saws and sometimes small explosions. You gotten used to it, and sometimes they would hold an open house for the major of science. Your university opened a new one, called A.I. Where students that care study the Artificial Intelligence of robots and soon enough they would create a robot smart enough and human enough that will be reachable to the public.

The program had reached an end once accidents happened to some of the students, some were hurt and some were even killed. You had heard and you would stay away from walking near it. It's always been secretive besides the open house. The program was being shut down for the accidents and the conservancy of A.I. They were told to get rid of their creations or else the police will take action. Your friend was in the program and you worried for him most of the time hearing about it. He was furious about it, he wanted to creativity to make and create an robot.

"Like what the fuck?! We have been working there for at least an year and we made so much progress?!" Jimin yelled at you as you sat on the couch of his dorm room, he was pacing back and forth as he was trying to save his data somehow without the police knowing.

"There has been so much shit we already have accomplished in such little time!" Jimin yelled as he put away his glasses in the front of his lab coat.

"Is there another university that you could go to?" You asked as Jimin pulled his hair being stressed.

"No there isn't. Most of them have .1% acceptance rate even though the programs in the world are barely being introduced." Jimin explained with his wild hand gestures that he always does when he's mad.

"So you cant do anything? What are the university going to make you do?" You asked Jimin as he sat down typing at his keyboard. Seeing through different A.I programs.

"They said I could chose a new major for free." Jimin clicked his pen as he wrote some scribbles on his notepad.

"What?! A full ride?" You swear you felt your soda through your nose.

"Yeah, tell your future children that being the top of your high school don't mean shit when they shut down your major." Jimin bickered as he put the pen in his mouth as he showed you a sketch of the A.I.

"Here is one of them, their name was Yoonsung." You grabbed the notepad seeing the label parts and the brief drawing of the wires.

"Yoonsung? Is he still like attached?" You asked as you drew a happy face on Jimin's notepad.

"Nope, he was the first one to go." Jimin frowned as he laid on his couch.

"Life is so boring, why can't we advance in technology." Jimin took off his lab coat and set it on the end table. You got up and cooked cheap ramen.

"Like imagine if we had A.I that they would cook for us you know? Or they could teach us recipes." Jimin got up and leaned on the counter.

"Won't that make us more lazy?" You asked as Jimin frowned his eyebrows. You could tell you woke up a dragon.

"No? It would make us use time to do more effective stuff, I mean we can't stop people from being lazy but imagine if Steve Jobs had a A.I that made meals for him! How much he could accomplish!" Jimin explained as you pour the noodles into the bowls.

"Yeah, I guess you're right." You nodded towards Jimin as you gave him his bowl.

Hours went by and you and Jimin hung out. The fun movies you two watched made him focus on something that stressed him out to the core. You were always there for Jimin and you two found eachother hanging out with eachother more than you were alone. Jimin saw the time where it was about 11:32pm and saw you cuddling with the blankets.

"Don't you have to go? It's almost 12am." Jimin yawned as you looked at the clock sighing. You got up from your couch and grabbed your coat realizing it's raining.

"Don't get sick." Jimin said as he guided you to the exit. Hugging each other you left and walked through the dark. You walked pass the A.I major seeing caution tape and you walked passed an alley. You were sleepy so you didn't notice that you tripped over something.

You looked down and saw it was a leg, a human leg but it had wires coming from it. You almost ran away but you looked down the alley to see more glowing parts.

"What the fuck?" You asked as you saw a chest and only one arm connected to it. You looked at your phone seeing it was low on battery.

"Jimin!" You called and he answered.

"What is it? Are you home?" Jimin asked as you grabbed the pieces of the A.I.

"Jimin there's a fucking robot in this alleyway. What do I do??" You asked Jimin through the phone seeing that no one was out this late. You tried to hide more in the dark.

"Huh?? Is it wired together?" Jimin asked through the one as you could hear he was getting ready to go out.

"No? What do I do? It's raining also, what if he breaks?" You asked Jimin as you tried to cover the parts with your jacket.

"Just stay there, I'm coming with my tools. Try to find everything if there's little pieces grab them anyway they could be important." Jimin explained as you heard him speed down the stairs.

"Jimin what the fuck I am getting myself into?" You asked as Jimin just ended the phone call. Leaving you on your knees searching through the rain for parts. Sometimes you would pick up garbage thinking it's a part.

Jimin ran into the alley you were in and you saw him carrying a toolbox and his headlight due to it being dark. You tried to watch over if anyone was there. You looked back to see Jimin weld parts together.

"Fuck." You heard Jimin whisper under his breath. You turned around and saw the A.I's face open like brain surgery.

"What is it?" You asked as Jimin searches through his things looking for something.

"His memory chip, where we recorded our experiment. It's gone." Jimin said as you turned your head.

"It's gone, that means he doesn't know anything. Obviously his personality that we created just for him is there but everything else is completely wiped out." Jimin scoffed as he put everything back into it's place. The legs and arms were back and the face was now not exposed.

"So what do we do with him?" You asked as Jimin looked through the window of the A.I building.

"It seemed someone threw him out, probably because they were destroying our project. It seems like he wanted to save something." Jimin said as he looked at the fall of the open window and where the A.I is.

"So should he stay with one of us?" You asked as you saw Jimin turn to look at you excited.

"You." Jimin said.

"What?" You asked as Jimin got closer to you.

"You! They won't expect your major to have this robot! Plus you don't live in dorms anymore. It's perfect!" Jimin grabbed your shoulders and shook you as his plan was being explained.

"Uh, how do I take care of it?" You asked as Jimin glared at you.

"It's an A.I, it's probably smarter than you are! You don't need to take care of it." Jimin grabbed the robot, due to it being dead on battery it was relaxed.

You two walked to your house and saw multiple people stare very weirdly at you too. You put clothes on the A.I to make sure it doesn't look suspicious. You made it to your little house near the river and saw Taehyung set down the A.I on your bed. You yawned as you collapsed on the bed almost passing out.

"Ok, if we get in trouble don't rat me please!" Jimin joked around as you just wrapped yourself in blankets.

"I'm kidding if you need something or something goes wrong with the A.I please call me and i'll be right over." Jimin said as you waved at him and saw a little glowing thing on the A.I's back. It looked like a Lotus Flower. You glided your finger across the symbol.

You were guessing that the Lotus Flower represented that he was charging or being prepared to help. You fell asleep right nex to a robot but in the end you were too tired to care.

"Hello! I am Jungkook! I am here to help you!" You woke up to a loud voice at early in the morning. The birds were barely out and you barely opened your eyes.

"Jungkook is it?" You asked as you forgot about your situation last night.

"Yes! I am Jungkook!" You rubbed your eyes as your vision became more clear. Seeing the familiar Lotus Flower symbol.

"Oh shit-" You responded to Jungkook as you saw that he was recharged.

"Huh? Oh shit? That is a profanity meaning a condition is bad." Jungkook explained as he was still in dirty clothes from last night. You rolled over on your bed.

Hours passed by and you tried to walk to your kitchen but you saw that Jungkook followed you. I mean really followed you, everywhere you went Jungkook would smile at you and follow you. To the bathroom, to the sofa, to the kitchen sink and to your bedroom. You would see him still in his dirty clothes. You would try to give him some of your clothes being a bit big on him, it suited him.

"Jungkook? Why don't you sit down?" You said to him as he tilted his head.

"Because you're my human and I follow your commands." Jungkook said as you awkwardly stared at him.

"Jungkook, you don't have to call me your human. I'm just your friend, you can be your own person." You smiled at him as he looked down at his shoes.

"I'm not used to that, but if that's what you want I will do!" Jungkook smiled.

You and Jungkook sat down on the couch; you got comfortable in your house but Jungkook sat straight up and stiff. Causing you to think that he was uncomfortable, you saw that he sat like that for a whole movie. You coughed to see if he would take note.

"Jungkook?" You asked as you got another blanket.

"Huh?" Jungkook turned his head.

"Why don't you lay down? You don't have to sit up so stiff." You said as you tapped near you causing Jungkook to open his eyes in a big doll like way.

Jungkook got up from his spot and laid down right next to you, like his head was resting on your hand. You didn't expect him to be this close to you but here you were.

"Like this? I hope I'm not causing you to be uncomfortable." Jungkook frowned as you nodded no making sure Jungkook doesn't feel at fault at all. You shared the blanket with Jungkook seeing him cuddle with it, you felt your heart burst just a little bit.

Jungkook soon pass out due to overworking himself. When you woke up, your entire house was cleaned, laundry was done, and breakfast was cooked and he had organized your work office. You could see the lotus flower change color to a bright pink to a darker shade of black each hour of the day. By the time Jungkook passed out his flower was black. Meaning he ran out of energy and needed more, you continued to get more tired as you could hear Jungkook's lil snores and you wrapped him more up with the blanket. You soon tried to stay awake but passed out, right next to Jungkook.

You woke up and saw you were cuddling with Jungkook. Your hand wrapped around his waist. You were flustered and tried to replace your hand with a pillow. The lotus was a light shade of pink. You looked at the time to see it was barely light outside. Your hand must have woken you up due to it being cut off circulation for a long time. You hissed as you felt your blood going back to your hand. You saw Jungkook flutter his eyes open to see you two were cuddling.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean for this to happen, I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable!" Jungkook got up from the couch and bowed trying to apologize.

"Jungkook, your flower it's still not fully charged. Come back so you can go to bed." You reached out to Jungkook as he hesitant a bit.

"But, I shouldn't." Jungkook thought as he climbed back into the couch with you. He grabbed the pillow and scooted a little bit away from you. You could see on his ears that he was blushing.

"Goodnight Jungkook."

"Goodnight...”

[fairycosmos]

God I feel like shit I'm nonbinary and want top surgery and i live in nz and the rule is if you want it free you Have to be on hormones I Dont Want for 2 years otherwise its 10-20 thousand dollars and I feel hopeless I literally cant see my life going on if I dont get that surgery but no one in my family would ever understand and have said things against it before and i dont know what to do

hi gosh im so sorry to hear that, i literally can't imagine how hard it must be. what a stupid thing, to make such a rule compulsory for all cases without exception. it's no surprise that you feel the way you do and while it may be unbelievably painful in this moment, it's entirely your right to process the sadness and anger that comes along with what you're experiencing. the only responsibility you have is to try to cope with these emotions in a healthy way, even if some days that just looks like crying in your bed or finding the energy to brush your teeth. in the present moment you don't have to be able to visualise your future because it is an ever changing and nebulous concept - and it is most likely not going to unfold the way you're anticipating it to. the fact that you can't see the possibility of happiness doesn't mean it's not there. i think a big part of being in a bad place is sort of suffocating under the illusion that everything is permanent and you'll never learn to manage etc but so much of that fear is rooted in an unreliable source: the intensity of your current emotional landscape. of course it's completely understandable as to why you feel this way - if top surgery is important to you, and you are being denied it, then of course you're going to be hurt and uncomfortable. it isn't fair at all. but i really think there are ways to come to terms with factors that are beyond your control in the present moment. and you shouldn't have to, i want to stress that. but shifting your attention to what is in your hands is often a freeing step to take. no matter how hopeless it seems.

are you able to express yourself as a non-binary person through other avenues? are you able to dress and act the way you want to? if yes, continue to explore those options unabashedly and without shame. if not, then the extent of your self repression will surely improve as you grow up and gain autonomy over your own existence. where you're at right now isn't where you'll always be, and you don't have to believe me, but it's true. also, are you able to seek out other lgbt people in your town/city, through support groups or charities or events? if so, i would recommend considering it. finding others who are struggling with the societal limitations of their identities can be a real relief. you are genuinely not alone and you don't have to go through this by yourself, even if your family are dickheads. obviously you deserve so much more than their dismissal but their actions are purely a reflection of them, you know? you don't have to beg them to understand. another suggestion would be to seek professional support for your mental health if that's a possibility, to help you deal with the difficulties of your situation. ask your doctor for a referral, or look into forms of support in your community. it doesn't have to be a big deal. having someone to talk to, and a support system outside of your personal bubble is pretty paramount. there are a myriad of coping mechanisms for both dysphoria and shitty familial bonds and while they don't solve it all, they certainly help if you engage with them consistently. i get that it all feels like too much effort, like empty words compared to the weight of what you're going through. and it's definitely daunting. if it seems like too much, even just calling an lgbt hotline or seeking out info and companionship online is a good place to start. but point is i genuinely believe in your ability to confront the issues you have a direct say in, so that when you're struggling with not having access to top surgery, you are more emotionally prepared to process it. it's entirely possible that you will be able to begin saving up for it in the future, and you never know how it's going to turn out, really. however until then you are entirely entitled to feel how you need to feel. but don't let it stop you from taking care of yourself, and living the way you want in other regards. the more you age and the more assured you become in your sense of self, the easier it'll seem. take it one day at a time, n try to look at what you can to to help yourself today. anyway this got long and ultimately i wish i could do something to proactively change things for you because i know that's the only thing that would actually count, but i just hope you know that you deserve the world and there is so much waiting for you beyond your current circumstances. if you need a friend or if you want to talk, i'll be here. sending love 💌

[gibaraltar]

idk where im gonna put all my headcanons in the long run but look. ok Titanfall and thus Apex are in the nebulous far future, but with the drawbacks of technology having to be generally very practical due to (I assume) the wars, the comparatively sudden large-scale exploration into deep space, and so on. CW: surgery, dysphoria, trans health What im trying to say is trans healthcare has come a really long way, probably. I think that despite this, its kind of function over form even though the form aspect is beyond what we might expect today. Things like minimization/avoiding of scarring are important and possible to an extent we see only rarely now, but i think only prioritized in high visibility areas or if its the primary concern of the patient. Instead, the focus is keeping or improving functionality and lining up the form with the patient’s vision on an individual level, and as such results and expectations are pretty highly variable! tl;dr while I drew trans mirage with top surgery scars for me, pretty much, I do have a few hcs on how mirage being trans would pan out in canon context (i have been percolating for a WHILE so this is long):

1) Always Knew he pretty much looks like a cis dude. He went on puberty blockers/similar early (thanks to supportive mother and brothers) and has a pretty much fully functional bottom situation, & what little scar care there was, it was easier when he was younger and had the time and space and spent more time staying at home fiddling with tech, so there isnt much that “gives it away” per se. As an nb/trans guy i really like this one because like. personally, the idea of just. a reasonable amount of effort to pretty much align my brain and body seems appealing! but probably the only way this one gets drawn by me is finishing a trans gibraltar/trans mirage comic idea i had where they were both like “i have something to tell you before we-- WAIT HOLD ON YOU TOO???” because it would actually involve the things that would make this different from just drawing mirage cis lmao,,, All said its not exactly unrealistic for mirage to just be running around like “IM TRANS AND LOVE MY KINGS QUEENS AND EVERYTHING OTHER AND INBETWEENS IN THE TRANS COMMUNITY ✊🏽😤 RESPECT AND GRATITUDE LEGENDS ONLY!!!!!” rather than being stealth LOL 2) The Classic transitioned a little later but has still been on T for like a decade+. Did have to have non-minor top surgery, but this would have been not apparent if he could sit still, wait the appropriate time after surgery, and practice proper care but he absolutely could not for the life of him LMAO he fidgeted, took off anything uncomfortable a little earlier than he should have, and started working out and running around doing errands too quick. In his defense, I’d imagine this was when he and his mother were realizing they might be alone for longer than they’d hoped (and also during a tumultuous wartime period where Mirage may have also been trying to keep fit in case of being drafted or wanting to follow his brothers) but not sure how that would line up timeline wise. This would be the one I drew! I like to think that while sometimes he regrets not taking better care of them, for the most part, the scars are a point of pride. 3) The Homebody absolutely no surgery, partially out of feeling he didn’t need it, but also out of discomfort and questioning. Still on hormones though, and slowly coming around to at least considering surgery instead of putting it out of his mind or dismissing it. I have also drawn this Mirage but its nsfw lmao so i cant... show it... here at least. This is also Big Projection candidate #1. im valid though ok AAAANYWAY I always have like infinite sometimes clashing hcs for this stuff so to me none of these are more valid than another and ofc however you personally envision trans mirage and also trans care in the titanfall/apex universe is equally valid, i just. this is the only place i can say this stuff out loud LMAO so!! fwiw the other trans hcs i have are for Gibraltar, Lifeline, and Octane but also everyone is trans i dont make the rules 🤷🏽

[ofcacthuxandkylosaur]

Are there any trans Kylo fics out there? I feel as if it's all only trans hux this or feminized hux that...

I think there is indeed more trans Hux than trans Kylo out there, but I still managed to find some. Beware that I haven’t read most of the fics and therefore cannot say anything about their content. I also recommend of course you read the autor’s warnings;)

Trans Kylo Art

https://croatomunchi.tumblr.com/post/142969291522/would-u-ever-draw-like-hux-and-trans-kylo - croatomunchi

http://artllama.tumblr.com/post/146236116396/i-did-a-transition-log-because-i-cant-not-spend - artllama

http://toiek.tumblr.com/post/141289851114/i-love-trans-kylo - toiek

http://rip-space-birdie.tumblr.com/post/141067487245/kylo-ren-is-trans-pass-it-on - rip-space-birdie

http://opens-up-4-nobody.tumblr.com/post/153044170134/stutter-iplier - opens-up-4-nobody

http://opens-up-4-nobody.tumblr.com/post/147354462721/nice - opens-up-4-nobody

http://angerydj.tumblr.com/post/169121106275 - angerydj

http://corvosfursona.tumblr.com/post/137737245113/they-fixed-him-up-but-hes-conked-and-phasma - corvosfursona

http://kiiiloren.tumblr.com/post/137138625403/coming-to-u-live-tiny-trans-padawan-ben-solo  - kiiiloren

+ There is also a blog whose name is Trans!Kylo

Trans Kylo headcanons/ideas

http://bygoneboy.tumblr.com/post/148311042452/hi-u-should-talk-abt-ur-trans-kylo-headcanons - bygoneboy

http://nbnightwing.tumblr.com/post/136272896831/anyway-ive-been-thinking-a-lot-about-trans-guy - nbnightwing

http://kremaclassii.tumblr.com/post/137459014170/whispers-more-trans-kylo-head-canons - kremaclassii

http://kiiiloren.tumblr.com/post/138435517778/ive-been-thinking-about-trans-hux-and-kylo + http://kiiiloren.tumblr.com/post/137141605853/since-leia-is-force-sensitive-imagine-her-being - kiiiloren

http://lilstarkiller.tumblr.com/post/141230802426/alright-alright-i-keep-thinking-weve-got-trans - lilstarkiller

http://generallyhorribleatlife.tumblr.com/tagged/trans%21kylo - generallyhorribleatlife

Trans Kylo Fics

“Almond”  - angry_android || Kylo likes to hang out at his local Starbucks and brood. Hux works there part-time while going to community college. Because of someone else’s sloppy handwriting, Hux accidentally calls out Kylo’s name as “Kylie,” and there is fallout. The fallout might include dating.

“pocketknife”  - angry_android || There’s a reason Kylo wears a crop top. Hux understands.

“Casanova, Fuck Me Over”  -  Anonymous || With another kiss, Hux glances up. “You promise try and keep your limbs to yourself?” Ren snorts. “I will try my best,” he says, placing his hands on the sheets, “If you promise to stick your face between my thighs sometime soon.”

“Tarine Tea and Lambro Shark”  -  armitageren || The First Order celebrates a recent victory on a luxurious planet and it’s the perfect setting for Kylo Ren and Armitage Hux’s first date. Hux struggles to survive the date with his anxiety putting him on edge because Ren doesn’t know he’s trans and he isn’t sure what that means for their future.

“all the noises (from your hateful little mouth)”  - bloomthefox || In which Kylo whines and puts off his feelings, Phasma calls it like she sees it, and Hux is a stone cold mystery. Or, the defense attorney AU that literally nobody asked for.

“care and control”  -  cracktheglasses (cormallen) ||  It’s a wide strip of dark brown leather, soft, already a bit worn at the edges, snapped shut over Ben’s wrist. It means Ben wants him. Ben needs him. He may not always be able to say it, but he means it every time he puts the cuff on, every time he puts himself into Hux’s care – I’m yours.

“juxtaposition”  - cracktheglasses (cormallen) || He hopes Hux makes it hurt. Hopes Hux is as mean and arrogant and smart here as he is everywhere else, the way Kylo tries to be.

“Changed” -   Davechicken || Kylo was sure from a young age that he wasn’t female. It’s not until he leaves home that he finds people who agree.

“Pushed”  - Davechicken || Hux has to push his boy a little, to get him through the discomfort. Kylo always appreciates it after.

“Control”  - DoctorNinjaSpy || Patience is Armitage’s most valued virtue. Sometimes, however, he falters.

“special delivery” - gonnapop || Hux had not intended to be present for this messy process. Rather, he’d imagined returning after his shift and being handed a clean, swaddled baby. But there was nothing for it now.He rolled up his sleeves.

“Heel, Beg, Speak”  - JulieCox || Emperor Hux has a new pet, and enjoys pushing him around. Kylo has secrets, and enjoys keeping them to his own damn self. But they won’t stay secrets for long.

“the Panty fic”  -  kyloskummies || Kylo and Hux are roommates. Kylo is trans and wears panties. It’s a hot day and the AC is broken. Y'all know where it goes from there.

“Bad Poet and Good Artist”  -  lovewashisname || Hux has moved schools before. He’s sure this time won’t be any different. He’ll keep to himself, make a few acquaintances, and put up with his father the best he can. But not even an hour into his first day and he’s shattered his phone, walked into a gorgeous boy, and had a very, very awkward conversation with said gorgeous boy. In other words, Hux meets the incredibly sad Ben Solo, and maybe he doesn’t want to leave this school so soon.

“Bad Poetry on Starlit Rooftops”  -  lovewashisname || Everywhere Kylo looks, high school is portrayed as either the best place you’ll ever be, or a shithole that will ruin four years of your life. For Kylo, it’s neither. High school has been a place to hide from his own body, and to get into fights every once in a while. So in one year, none of that will change, he thinks. How wrong could he be? told from Kylo’s point of view

“A Real Boy”  -  MosImagination || Ben solo is a transmale junior, he has a crush on a senior named Hux. Ben is too afraid to show off his real self, but Hux quickly accepts him. And loves him.

“Birth of a dream”  -  MosImagination || Ben solo is a transmale, hux has always wanted a child, Ben gives his body to have their child.

“Expectations”  -  MosImagination || Ben solo didn’t know what to expect coming home on Valentines Day.

“Shark in the Water”  -  SeraphicVictory || Kylo Ren was absolutely the best sailor there ever was. Or that’s what he liked people to believe anyway. In truth, he was no better than any other man at the mercy of the sea. With one fatal mistake, he and his ship were destroyed in a terrible storm, and Kylo was certain he would fall to the watery grave that most sailors met at the end. But then he wakes up to a handsome, red-headed man. His savior: The Mershark called ‘Hux’.

“Someone to come home to”  -  ShinigamiKnox || Hux is the supportive boyfriend and helps Kylo deal with his dysphoria. It was supposed to be a more serious piece of work, but I could not stop laughing at the infamous Ren quote. I’m so sorry.

“A morning at the gym”  -  SidMjkGc || Just another kind of workout.

“This Asshole”  - twinkyatta || Hux goes to a coffee shop every day, but there’s a new barista, and holy fuck does he hate him.

+ Trans Female Kylo fic

“Fate”  -  MosImagination || It was fate that they met. A beautiful transfemale Kylo ren. A handsome transmale Hux.

Trans Kylo series (of fics) 

“The Monsters We Keep”  -  AriMarris || Description: “The Monsters We Keep” is the story of Hux and Kylo, who fall in love and marry young and make many mistakes. Basically, the films rewritten through Kylo’s eyes with drastic changes. With extra one-shots thrown in the mix for fun.

“Bastards and Broken Things”  -  Bipolar_Armitage_Hux, kohoutek || No Description –> Resume of first work: A story of Armitage Hux’s childhood from the Bastards and Broken Things AU / Series.

“Caged by Monsters” (one work for now)  -  Bipolar_Armitage_Hux, kohoutek || No Description –> Resume of first work:  An introduction to the psychiatric ward AU - this is written by an actually neurodivergent person and thus there is a strong attempt to make it not remotely ableist. The “bad guys” in this are the abusive doctors and an ableist system. Hux meets Kylo Ren for the first time, or rather the other sees him in a therapy session with Dr. Brendol Hux and becomes fascinated by him.

“The Tired Raptor”  -  Kylux_TRASH || Description: “Hollywood, 1939. Amidst the glitz and the glitter of a bustling young movie talent at the height of its golden age, the Hollywood Tower Hotel was a star in its own right. A beacon for the show business elite. Now, something is about to happen that will change all that”Something did happen to change that. It happened, on October 31st, 1939, Hollywood California. Kayla-Rose and her male escort, Mr. Hux were riding in the elevator when they entered into a world unknown. They entered The Twilight Zone.

“when the lights are low”  -  transkylo (captainandor) || No Description –> Resume of first work: “Do your colleagues know how fucking possessive you are?” Kylo asks, canting his hips back, pressing into Hux’s touch as far as he can.Hux grins. “Does your mother know that you sleep with her political rivals?” Kylo’s laugh is breathy and uneven. “I don’t make a habit of it.” 

+ Trans Female Kylo series (of fic)

“She’s Just a Girl and She’s on Fire”  -   Kylo Hux (Loki_Likey_Thor_Odinson) || No Description –> Resume of first work: Hux and Phasma have been sent to a fundraiser for The First Order. Their uniforms have been changed for a smart military uniform and a glamorous ball gown. Everyone that should be here is – except for one person.Kylo Ren is absent, still on another planet, having surgery. She was supposed to be here, supposed to be on security detail for the night; Hux lost hope of seeing his girlfriend for the first time in months when he saw two Knights of Ren circling the room.

“from bby Finn to teenage heartthrob + Hux  (one work for now)  -  orphan_account || No Description –> Resume of first work: Mostly, Phasma loves her job. But sometimes, just sometimes, she really hates it. Meanwhile, Hux has a slight problem, and her name is Kylo Ren.

[diaryofsecrecy]

It has been the most exhausting year of my entire life and I will be surprised if I ever top it...

Brent was having a hard time adjusting to the altitude when we 1st came out here, (July 8th 2020) But as time went on he got better as expected. Then suddenly he got worse and worse, Eventually he lost the job that he got because he was calling out so often throwing up and experiencing extreme nausea.  Because of covid, the doctors were booked for weeks (new patient) so it was just kind of a waiting game until we finally decided to just go to the ER.  They did a full blood panel and decided that he needs to see a GI doctor because everything else is normal. So, That was booked 2 weeks out and he was sent home with nausea medication for one week...

Of course we were going to try to buy or rent so I was freaking out about money and working as much as I possibly could... But then I too had to go to the emergency Room because I had extreme abdominal pain resulting in an emergency appendectomy😖

The day after my surgery, I am home, when my dad comes in with my older sister.

To my knowledge, my older sister was diagnosed paranoid schizofrantic. She has been Homeless for the last 11 years,  And on drugs.  She recently was beaten so badly that she was left with several brain injuries on top of it all, And while she was healing at the hospital somehow they didn't notice her walk out.  We were just about to get her placed somewhere safe...And they lost her.

Anyhow dad walks in with my sister who I guess called him from a coffee shop when they told her that she couldn't sleep there anymore (after a month of being missing again) Dad had to go back to work so then it was me & her for the next 2 days, As you can imagine, not the rest I needed post surgery... then, I had to go back into the hospital because something wasn't right. I was there for 3 more days, 2 days alone because ben was so sick that it was worse with him being there than me sitting by myself in pain and nausea of my own.

Fast forward a few more months, tragic accidents led to 2 separate deaths of my parents dogs. Both events I happen to be present, so get blamed & am no longer welcome at mom & dads.

(Still healing from sugury, brent still very sick)

We get an apartment, and I start working as a nanny for my aunt twice a week while working at Massage Envy the other 5 days.

At this point, I am tired. I am horney, and lonely, and Absolutely. Fucking. Miserable.

I am begging ben to keep up with drs. but he has lost hope of getting better, and I have no way of helping him when I am already worn too thin.

After 9, Long, long months, he eventually, with my consistent pushing, nagging, most likely not always kind remarks, he finds out his hormones are completely off, which I knew would be the case, his dick hadnt worked for the last 3 years properly..

Anyway. He blames his addiction medication rather than continuing dr. Appointments... he gets on testosterone with an outside company(pay out of pocket kind of subscription company...rather than checking insurance, or figuring out what causes low testosterone and fixing that first). I was working and had no influence in any of those choices that effect us both as they have for at least 2 years. He hasnt touched me for so, so, long.

Month 3 of his medication that seems to be working (only reason I know is there was a ton of porn in my google history, he had declined all advances, except the rare, 3 times he allowed a blowjob then left immediately after for the gym or literally anything else rather than make it romantic at all.)

Month 4, he forgets to make a payment at all, so now we owe $250 rather than the normal $100. His meds get sent, then FedEx loses the package all together so, he is sick and I am house sitting in a dream home, alone for 2 weeks straight that originally was going to be our getaway to focus on Us.

At this point, brent and I havnt slept in the same bed for 2 months. At first cause he says I'm mean and he wants to not be near me, but now its cause hes "more comfortable out in the living room..."

A month ago when we last had a conversation about our relationship he said he wants space and a break from me all together. I'm too much.

I am the problem..?

When trying to understand what he means, he shuts down the connvo, saying he cant talk about it anymore. It's been 30 days since we have made any verbal progress. Our fighting has stopped though, and I'll tell you why...

Rewind 1 week before house sitting;

1 week after brent and I had an awful fight where he told me we should take a break, I stay at my parents & My mom offers for me to join them at a graduation party of a kid I used to babysit.

We were sitting in the back of the dining room, out of the way, when I saw someone i slightly recognized in the hallway. Not sure from where, but he was the kind of guy that you couldnt stop looking at. He was clearly into fitness, his shirt couldnt hide the muscular features he had been perfecting either, despite him dressing nothing out of the ordinary. He had beautiful ink crawling up his leg, an artform that would only mean something to someone who is more spiritually awake. But more noticable about anything was that smile.

God that smile. His face was scruffy, as if he had been away, but regardless, the smile he had influenced his entire ora. His eyes smiled, his walk... smiled. He had some kind of thing about him that was a physical draw I had never known for myself before. Dont get me wrong, i have been woo'd by many men so far in my life, from all stages in life, but This one was just, different. He was making his way around the room, & I could hear his voice over my mom who's talking beside me. I had literally been blocked out by my ever wondering thoughts of this random stranger whom felt familiar.

Then, he was there, at our table?

He was so easy to talk to, not even sure how we started now, but all I know is I was not nervous despite my very physical attraction to him.

He spoke of traveling, and adventures hes been on. This guy had a whole other life in the military at one point and now was traveling, working for a company that sends him around the US.

This guy had Hope's and dreams and somehow we got to talking about that kind of thing at a graduation party?

When I left that day, I thought about him. Not just him specifically, but men like him. Had I chosen Brent wrongfully? Does brent even like who I am anymore, what does he want going forward in his own life? How do I even fit into that? He understands my need for adventure but his actions say that he doesnt want to come along. My mind was loopy after that because for the first real time I questioned, what if there was someone who wanted to see the world,  Who liked my sad music, and my emotions being in everything I do? What if there was a women more interested in the simple home life, having a couple dogs and living a small, comfortable life? Are we doing one another a disservice by occupying oneanother's lives? How could I ever bring that up with Brent at all without making him feel so inadiquite after a year of terrible sickness and defeat?

Well, when I went to that big, gorgeous dream home the following week to house sit for 2 weeks... begging him to come see me, I grew weak from overthinking. I cried, I cried so much the first 3 days.

I cried from a place of such sadness, anger, bitterness, defeat, they were so strong. My mind was cloudy, drunk, stoned, tired.... I found myself writing a suicide letter.

My plan was to disappear, I knew I'd find a firearm in the home & allow someone to find my remains eventually in the hills where I'd walk far enough.

I prepared by cleaning the litterbox, laying out several bowls of water for the dog and cat, and watered all the plants heavily. I transfered brent all the money in my bank accounts, and as I waited for the sheets to come out of the dryer I balled my eyes out, reading the last conversations I had had with my family members. I thought to myself how the kids would take it, what different life choices they would make having been close with someone before their passing. At this point, I needed something, but I needed it from someone who doesnt know me in my life right now, but the me that was worth saving. The me I still recognized.

I called an old friend from 2nd grade. Hadnt talked to her in years and years, didnt known her life, her schedual, her name(which had been changed). But she talked me down. She saved my fucking life. It took a person who knew my soul years ago, to remind me I am not alone.

I dont blame my parents, or who I thought would be my future husband. I had talked with my aunt earlier that day and she couldnt see it either. I had become this fake shell of a person and it took considering an actual murder of myself to make me see that if I continued this path, I would die eventually and nobody in my life would ever see me preparing for it.

That night, I invited a complete stranger over and we fucked like rabbits. 4 times. He got to do things he'd never done before, and I begged him to. Sounds cold, sounds unapologetically disgusting that I'd do something like that, but quite frankly, I FUCKING needed it. I needed someone to see me, even if he didnt see my current life nor care about me as a person... he saw, touched, kissed, sucked and ate me up. For the first time in at least 2 years, i felt satisfaction when I walked him to the door and watched his car drive away.

It was like a sigh of relief, an inch I could not reach for the longest time, gone. Finally.

The following days, brent began putting in more effort. It has been 3 weeks and I'd say he has been kinder to me than he had in a while (probably the lack of testosterone) but also, I havnt seen much of him in general. From his point of view, it is all fine. Hes getting the space he needed, I'm being nicer since I quit massage Envy, and things are looking up....

But that is because he doesnt See Me.

My suisidal thoughts subsided after my long conversation with Scout. & that night I called my cousin as well, and learned he too had been in my shoes before. He said something that stuck with me.

If everyone has an expiration date on their life already, and we don't know when it is, you're to the point that you're life is so invaluable that youd kill yourself than flee your life and make one you want. Dont care about the people youd hurt, because suicide is just as careless as abandoning them all indefinitely.

He was so right, it put things into perspective, gave me a freedom I felt I was waiting to gain permission for.

Five days later, I noticed He had written me 5 before, on the day I had truly planned to end my current life..

He had written me at 12am, what would someone like him, a gorgeous, beefed out, big thinker, high energy, go getter be doing messaging me, a tired women who was 300lbs a year ago, (still working on getting to a normal size) and completely at a crossroads with existance.

I entertained the connvo a tad, and honestly forgot about it for a few days as I figured no way he could be serious.

He triple messaged me, and asked for my personal contact info to have real conversation?

Hesitantly, and wildly excited to even just flirt for a moment with someone who is literally everything I fantasize when I'm alone everynight....

Our conversation immediately took off. In directions I hadnt expected at all what so ever. He told me he had to admit he felt drawn to me, like he had known me in another life. That he doesnt expect me to get it, but I did. We talked about things that only my sister and I can relate to on a spirituality standard and it changed me in that instant. Suddenly i realize, I wasn't broken, I was just misunderstood. & that there are people in this world that See Me even when I am not trying. Not many, and it takes a specific Kind of person, but they do exist and when you meet them, you cant ignore it. It is as if they stain you with remembrance.

As the sexually hungry humans we are, not only did we find that morality, values, future goals coexist, but also our importance of intimacy. Not just lust and sex, well, yes that too, uff did those conversations get so, fucking, hot, but the interactions of intimacy and how they make a person whole.

I opened up to him about Brent, and where I am at in life, asking he please oversee my unfaithfulness, but that I am loyal at heart. He says with such pain in his voice how he too in a parallel position simultaneously, however, he married her 7 years ago.

Ugh.

So now I get to choose. Do I chose mortality, say no, brent and the other women deserve to understand the severity of sex, love and passion, and if they chose not to then we will leave before we act on our mutual attraction....? Or, do we say hell with it and give in to serendipity moments that our hearts crave so badly, take on the consequences and move forward. Sigh. If only there was a guideline for complicated.

Last night, as the 5 nights before, we talked for hours on the phone. His voice makes me smile every, damn, time. Perhaps because it's new and exciting, or maybe I just love to hear him go on his tangents of loving yourself despite the bad in life. I Want him. I want him when I wake, &when I go to sleep. I do not want a life without him& it saddens me to know our timing is incorrect. He asked her for a divorce a year ago, but has sat comfortably as I have despite the horror because weve both been too busy, too tired, too... afraid that life will always be lonely. Last night, he said to me, Elise, I love you. I avoided it several times but when he said it two more times, I couldnt keep it any longer to myself, Jackson, I really do Love you as well. It's scary, and faster than I'd ever say it to anyone. But I know it to be true because I Feel it. I want his love so badly. I want him to live life along side of me because with a person like him, I'd be a better me.

I am absolutely terrified. My life, my home, my family, dogs, my 5 year relationship, the unborn children brent and I have named, and the houses we'd have... all gone?

Running away with a man who says hes going to leave his wife is absolutely stupid. I'd be an idiot to think I am enough to get him through that fear of change, yet he gives me strength to want to try, so maybe I do, Him?

Ugh my brain being pulled in many ways. My heart having been in pieces so many times now doesnt know who to go to or why. I know for certain I love Brent, is this a self gratifying moment To push me back to him? Is this the devil bringing two lost people together to ruin four people at once?or is this Fate. Fate that has seen both of us individually loosing ourselves in a life we didnt want and has brought us together to lean on one another, temporarily not?

Suppose time will tell.

Last two days he has been working a ton, and told me that tomorrow he has something he needs to talk to me about.

I assume it isnt good. I assume it is the first put off of many, because, I know I want to do the same. Part of me says I should block him right now, because lust, and attraction, both mentally and physically like that couldnt make a women addicted and that's a no good addiction when he has a women in his house with his last name. 😔

[noecat]

88 qn tag meme

thank u 2 the lovely @jiminieboi for tag!!

holy shit this was long,,listen i tag no one but my wife @wingjk bc im literally too lazy to breathe rn

the last:

1. DRINK: passionfruit red tea. it was too sweet i wish i’d gone w green but that’s too sour,,,,honestly a representation of my personality as a whole

2. PHONE CALL: school friend who was wondering where i was

3. TEXT MESSAGE: if messenger counts, @wingjk bc i was going to sleep

4. SONG YOU LISTENED TO: come back home by bts

5. THE TIME YOU CRIED: i don’t recall!! perhaps a couple weeks ago?

have you:

6. DATED SOMEONE TWICE: don’t call me out like this

7. KISSED SOMEONE AND REGRETTED IT: not really? i dont regret many things

8. BEEN CHEATED ON: ha

9. LOST SOMEONE SPECIAL: yes

10. BEEN DEPRESSED: listen

11. GOTTEN DRUNK AND THROWN UP: i don’t get drunk

top 3 favorite colors

12. black

13. pink

14. in your area

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU:

15. MADE NEW FRIENDS: yes and i love them

16. FALLEN OUT OF LOVE:  L I S T E N

17. LAUGHED UNTIL YOU CRIED: rarely, but yes!!

18. FOUND OUT SOMEONE WAS TALKING ABOUT YOU: yall. assholes. love to gossip. and i love finding out about it so it’s a mutually beneficial thing

19. MET SOMEONE WHO CHANGED YOU: doesn’t everyone change me to some degree?? yes, though i do think a lot of the char dev ive undergone was internally motivated and not bc of a specific person,,,i just want to treat people better.

20. FOUND OUT WHO YOUR FRIENDS ARE: yes and i Love Them

21. KISSED SOMEONE ON YOUR FACEBOOK LIST: ppft no who the fuck even facebooks in the year 2k17,,,tho,, @wingjk​ hmu ;(

GENERAL

22. HOW MANY OF YOUR FACEBOOK FRIENDS DO YOU KNOW IN REAL LIFE: none

23. DO YOU HAVE ANY PETS: a kitten !! listen he’s an asshole but i love him

24. DO YOU WANT TO CHANGE YOUR NAME: as in legally?? i wish!! hopefully soon

25. WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOU LAST BIRTHDAY: ha ha dont talk to me

26. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP: i overslept today bc my sleeping schedule is,,,,,very good,,,,,,,,,,,

27. WHAT WERE YOU DOING AT MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT: readin fanfic rip

28. NAME SOMETHING YOU CAN’T WAIT FOR: hobi. wheres. ur. mixtape. where. also MY BDAY IS IN LESS THAN A MONTH !!! LOVE ME !!!!!!

29. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOM: uhm yesterday

30. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU COULD CHANGE IN YOUR LIFE: listen,

31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: the sweet sound of everyone being loud as fuc

32. HAVE YOU EVER TALKED TO A PERSON NAMED TOM: i dont think so ??

33. SOMETHING THAT IS GETTING ON YOUR NERVES: people breathing around me

lost questions

34. MOLE(S): ya

35. MARK(S): scars ?? i fell into a ditch once and i still have the scars from that,,also depression isnt ideal

36. CHILDHOOD DREAM: to be a lawyer

37. HAIR COLOR: brown but im gna bleach it someday

38. LONG OR SHORT HAIR:  short-ish

39. DO YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON SOMEONE: not romantically but i am currently interested in someone, yeees

40. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF: sometimes the planets alighn just right and i say something quotable that im proud of

41. PIERCINGS: that havent healed completely already ? 2, in my ears

42. BLOODTYPE: red

43. NICKNAME(S): q, ‘that asshole’, kyu

44. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: not looking

45. ZODIAC: leo

46. PRONOUNS: im agender. i strongly prefer it/its for Reasons but some of yall fucks take offense bc ‘but u are not an object!!’ and like. listen. if u think that using ‘they/them’, which i do not want to be called, is somehow more respectful to my identity ???  ? ?  ? i dont rly have much to say. in spaces where people are less tolerant and presentation overrides id, i go by she/hers.

47. FAVOURITE TV SHOW: i dont watch them anymore but ill always have a special spot in my heart for hannibal and my earliest experiences w bbc sherlock (ahahah can u believe i used to be a sh blog tho)

48. TATTOOS: not yet!! i want to get mine right the first time

49. RIGHT OR LEFT HAND: technically ambidextrous but ive been using my right hand for so long (bc u dont rly realize how inconvenient literally everything is w left hand until u try it skdfjgfg) that it’s now my dominant one

50. SURGERY: yes, but minor

51. HAIR DYED A DIFFERENT COLOR: nop but ive shaved it all off once

52. SPORT: used to sail, used to kayak, now i possess no skills. i actually ish i did have a sport i play regularly, but, i am a Lazy Fuck,

53. VACATION: aksdjfd i dont rmbr !! i travelled a lot when i was young. now we just go to neighboring countries over breaks sometimes.

54. PAIR OF TRAINERS: not converse low, that’s 4 sure

MORE GENERAL

55. EATING: nothing, but hopefully about to

56. DRINKING: nothing, but hopefully about to

57. I’M ABOUT TO: eat, drink, go home

58. WAITING FOR: senpai to answer my anon ask. senpai pls. senpai im dying here i only get wifi sporadically for like 10 min at a time senpai plsease

59. WANT:  see hoseok irl someday, to not fail my year end exams, to have a good future after this. if we’re going wildly unrealistic, give me financial stability and the power to play piano proficiently.

60. GET MARRIED: honestly i think this would depend on where i am in life, where my partner(s) is/are in life, and what we want out of our relationship (plus, my generation supposedly killed marriage, so)

61. CAREER: listen i used to want to be a lawyer real bad before i grew up and realized im a fuckign depressed idiot who cant do shit so now im just hoping for some kind of stable job that i wont hate,,,,,,i lean towards the social sciences, and they’re what im best at, but my fucking dumb ass is currenly taking natural sciences instead because ????? no fuckin clue, past me, what the fuck,

62. HUGS OR KISSES: i dont like hugs much, so kisses. though i do like to cuddle ??? i think ??? theoretically ???? normally i just dont let ppl touch me

63. LIPS OR EYES: lips

64. SHORTER OR TALLER: couldn’t care less but theres smth hot abt someone being taller than me (unrelated news kuroo is 187cm holy shit fuck T O W E R O V E R M E)

65. OLDER OR YOUNGER: as in ?? romantically ?? to be friends with ?? if it’s the former, almost definitely older. for the latter, i prefer older, but personality matters more than age does.

66. NICE ARMS OR NICE STOMACH: dont care. tho if u have arms that could snap my neck, 

67. SENSITIVE OR LOUD: as in me ?? listen im both. im both. but if we’re talking partners, i imagine kuroo is plenty loud, so that,

68. HOOK UP OR RELATIONSHIP: listen i dont care as long as it’s enjoyable and mutually beneficial

69. TROUBLEMAKER OR HESITANT: hm

have your ever:

70. KISSED A STRANGER: nop

71. DRANK HARD LIQUOR: nop

72. LOST GLASSES/CONTACT LENSES: yes, but found them

73. TURNED SOMEONE DOWN: ya!!

74. SEX ON THE FIRST DATE: nop

75. BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART: not intentionally ??

76. HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN: : l i s t e n

77. BEEN ARRESTED: nop im a good upstanding citizen

78. CRIED WHEN SOMEONE DIED: as in irl ?? i dont think so

79. FALLEN FOR A FRIEND: hm, no, i,

do you believe in:

80. YOURSELF:  ya im great. im a piece of shit but *insert trash can not trash cannot meme*

81. MIRACLES: nah

82. LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: nah

83. SANTA CLAUS: nah. attraction, maybe

84. KISS ON THE FIRST DATE: do what u want !! 

85. ANGELS: @wingjk is one so i can confirm

86. CURRENT BEST FRIENDS NAME(S): van, iv, jess are u a best friend or am i reading u wrong, id say drea but she’s my soulmate, id say nastya but she’s my wife and will complain i friendzoned her

other

87. EYE COLOUR: greenish

88. FAVOURITE MOVIE: casino royale !!! also all the ghibli things were my childhood

[scatteredcloud]

God I’m so so sick of depression

I just need to rant just ignore this I’m completely safe I promise I’m just throwing this message in a bottle out to sea

Because ultimately, I’m doing quite well. I just had top surgery with results that are better than I ever could have wished for, I’m going into my freshman year to my first choice school with a 4.0 gpa, I’ve become more fully realized as the person I want to be, everything is lined up for me and YET I have days and days where I can’t get out of bed before 12 and I don’t want to do any of the things that make me happy and I CANT do any of the things I need to do and I”m just exhausted for no reason

I’m sick of being blindsided by symptoms I”ve had for five years now. I’m sick of just waiting out a depression because I don’t have anything other than caffine to get myself moving. I’m past the point of needing motivation, because I know I’ll be over it in a couple of days. I know I need to hang in there, I know that it gets better, I’m just sick of not being able to stop the cycle itself. I’m sick of seeing everything coming up Eli and STILL having to deal with debilitating emptiness.

Like in some part it’s the portrayal of depression in media, someone’s depressed and then everything gets better and now they aren’t depressed hooray! but it also just makes me even more tired. I can’t even get it up to celebrate the things that are going well, because depression is all encompassing. It’s like I’m trapped in a room, and all the sudden the room’s gotten way bigger, and there’s more for me to do in the room, but the door’s still locked from the outside.

Obviously quarantine isn’t helping, and that metaphor is a little too on the nose now that I think about it, but there really doesn’t seem to be a way out. Especially with everything going on right now, it’s impossible not to feel helpless. “Activism fatigue” is bullshit, but it’s hard not to get down about how helpless everything seems. I’m not going to stop calling my reps and doing everything I can but jesus christ I’m one person, and I know that every little thing counts but I’m daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. I’ve done my best to focus on doing as much as I can locally but I feel like I’m just pushing waves day after day

There’s a lot happening to people close to me that also makes me very worried, and I’ve worked really hard to redirect my energy into helping others when I can’t help myself but how did I end up the last bastion of support for so many people? And how did I let myself do the same thing to my boyfriend? I’ve prided myself on being something of a lone wolf, and being ok with existing on the fringes of social groups, but I didn’t realize that put me at the center of the venn diagram. Now I’m the lynch pin for all of them, and I don’t have anything left to give anyone.

I’m hoping that being in college will help, and because I’ll have an externally enforced schedule, and be in a new environment, hopefully that’ll help curb some of the worst effects, but I’m so scared that I’m going to be back to the point in depression that I was my other freshman year, which was sort of objectively the worst year of my life. I’ve learned a lot since then, but it’d be so easy to make all the same mistakes, to push everyone away and go silent. I never realized it at the time, but I was probably completely nonverbal for over 60% of 2017/2018.

Ultimately, I’m worried that no matter what I do, no matter how much better I get, I’m never going to escape depression. Recovery is important, and I’ve made huge strides in managing it, but there isn’t a cure. There’s not an end date. I think the post that was like “Depression needs to find a way to kill me itself like a real disease I’m not doing it’s job for it” is a fantastic assessment of the way that depression works, because in all other ways, depression is terminal, and having it put into words like that is honestly what curbed my ideation the most. Because I’m NOT going to do it’s job for it, if it wants me dead it can kill me itself, but the problem is that depression isn’t caused by a virus, it IS me. There’s some system in MY brain that wants me dead, or at least wants me to think I should be dead.

“yOu ArEnT yOuR dEpReSsIon!1!” I kind of am. How many of my experiences were motivated by pushing others away, or letting myself put situations in jeopardy just to motivate myself to do something about them? How much of my wardrobe was adapted to hide scars? How much of my attitude is based on projecting an irreverent and mouthy persona to hide how insecure I was? How much time have I spent going along with people I despise because I’m so afraid of rejection? I’m nothing if not a caricature of myself, overdefining my strongest traits so that no one can see inside. Who am I? I’m the result of fighting depression for five years.

That’s what’s so exhausting to me about planning for the future. If I really can’t find a way out of this room, knowing that I might still be dealing with this shit in 5, 10, 25 years? I don’t even know if there’s going to be a future to imagine in that long. I don’t want to be pessimistic, but I;m not even sure I want to see what the world looks like in 25 years. I feel like I’m living paycheck to paycheck temporally. Where do I see myself in 5 years? If I’m not dead in 5 years I’ll call it a win.

The simultaneous knowledge that I have great things lined up for my future, and that the world is burning down around that future is obscene to me. I’m a donkey being offered a carrot, being driven on a road that’s on fire.

[edsenger]

What Is Functional Medicine?

What is Functional Medicine? It’s true healthcare. Functional Medicine is a distinct medical model—separate and, as you’ll come to learn, vastly different from the conventional approach—one that promotes wellness and helps both prevent and treat chronic disease, the biggest health problem we face today. Although its concepts are not new, in this way, its approach is revolutionary. Functional Medicine is the future of medicine.

That all sounds wonderful, you may be thinking, but how exactly does it work, and what does it look like in practice, for patients and practitioners? You’re about to get some answers to those very important questions. Consider yourself enrolled in Functional Medicine 101.

Functional Medicine is the future of medicine, plain and simple. Find out how it differs from the conventional medical model and why it’s our best weapon in the fight against chronic disease. #functionalmedicine #unconventionalmedicine #kresserinstitute

What Is Functional Medicine? And How Does It Differ from the Conventional Approach?

Imagine you’re on a boat, and the boat is leaking. You can bail water from the boat so it sinks more slowly, but if the leaks are still there, you’ll have limited success in trying to stay afloat. The conventional medicine approach is mostly focused on bailing water out of the boat without fixing the leaks. But wouldn’t it make more sense to prevent the leaks from happening in the first place, and then fix them completely if they do spring up? There might still be the need to bail some water initially, but if the leaks get repaired, the boat becomes steadied. Eventually, there’s no more bailing required, and the sailing—or living—can resume (and it may be better than before). This is what Functional Medicine is all about.

Of course, that’s just a broad-strokes picture. To help you better understand Functional Medicine, let’s move beyond the metaphor and further compare and contrast the practice with conventional medicine.

Functional Medicine Conventional Medicine Health-oriented Disease-oriented Collaborative, patient-centered model Expert, doctor-centered model Biochemical individuality Everyone treated the same way Cost-effective Expensive Relieves symptoms by addressing cause Suppresses symptoms with drugs Preventative approach Early detection of disease High-touch and high-tech High-tech

Functional Medicine Is Health Oriented, Not Disease Oriented

Conventional medicine isn’t really healthcare—it’s disease management. Rather than optimize wellness through preventive and restorative lifestyle strategies, it focuses on managing illness once it has already occurred, primarily by suppressing symptoms with prescription drugs.

For example, if you have high blood pressure and you see a conventional physician, you’ll be given a drug to lower it. There’s rarely any investigation into what caused your hypertension in the first place. And even if lifestyle interventions are recommended, pharmaceuticals remain the primary treatment because the system isn’t set up to support you in those changes.

We can see this clearly in the following startling statistics:

Research suggests that more than half of all Americans take at least one prescription drug, with some estimates as high as 70 percent; many in this group regularly take between two and four medications. (1, 2)

Between 1988 and 2010, the number of older adults taking more than five prescription medications tripled, from 12.8 percent to 39 percent. (3)

More than 20 percent of children under the age of 18 take at least one prescription drug every month, including antidepressants and even opioids. (4, 5, 6)

Although there is certainly a time and place for prescription medication, there are several fundamental problems with basing our healthcare system almost entirely on drugs. (Not to mention, they’re expensive and add to the ever-ballooning cost of treating chronic disease conventionally, a figure that could top $47 trillion globally by 2030.) (7)

Drugs rarely address the underlying cause of a health problem.

They don’t just mask symptoms; they also suppress bodily functions, including vital ones. Thus, they can actually worsen a problem over time.

Drugs often correct one imbalance by causing another, or several others, resulting in side effects. Often, the unintended effects of a drug far outnumber its intended effects.

By treating disease with medications that mask symptoms and cause side effects in the process, the conventional care model creates patients for life. Conversely, Functional Medicine promotes health. As Functional Medicine practitioners, we aim to prevent disease from happening in the first place, and when it does, we seek to reverse it completely by investigating and then treating its underlying cause. You can think of Functional Medicine clinicians as “health detectives.” We support patients to recover their functions, so they can “graduate” from care and get back to living their lives.

How? We don’t start by looking for diseases and syndromes and collecting the evidence of signs and symptoms, but rather by first evaluating a patient’s genes and environment, including their diet, lifestyle, air and water quality, and so on. Why? We know that our modern diet, lifestyle, and environment change the expression of our genes—changes that give rise to diseases and syndromes.

It’s Patient Centered, Not Doctor Centered

In Functional Medicine, patients are encouraged to play an active and engaged role in their treatment because we recognize that behavior is one of the biggest, if not the biggest, contributors to chronic disease. In contrast, in conventional medicine, the doctor is the “expert” who provides the answers, which the patient passively receives.

As I’ve already shared, Functional Medicine treats the patient, not the disease. But more importantly, it treats the individual patient. Functional Medicine is not a one-size-fits-all approach: patients with the same problem may get a completely different treatment based on the particular origin and development of their condition. In a conventional model, patients with the same diagnosis often get the same treatment, despite differences in their presentation—a treatment that may not work well for them.

In order to provide such individualized treatment, Functional Medicine uses what I call “high-touch,” as well as high-tech, tactics. If you’re my patient, I’ll talk with you in depth, listen to you, and learn about your background during our visits, something that’s not possible in conventional care where most practitioners spend their days working through a series of rushed, almost-scripted, 10-minute appointments, rarely able to go below the surface level of a health issue.

Functional Medicine Is Holistic, Not Specialized

In conventional medicine, there’s a doctor for every part of the body, but these specialists infrequently, if ever, consult with each other. That’s because conventional medicine actually views the body as a collection of separate parts.

In Functional Medicine, we see the body as it is: an interconnected whole within a larger environment. We recognize that this perspective is needed to uncover the interrelated causes of underlying disease and chronic illness and to find the right tools, at the right time, individualized for each person. To treat one part of the body, all other parts must also be considered.

Speaking of tools, Functional Medicine is integrative, meaning that it uses the best tools from both the conventional and holistic worlds. While we typically start our work with diet, lifestyle, and behavior modifications, nutritional supplements, and botanicals, we don’t rule out medications or even surgery when necessary.

Why We Need Functional Medicine

We’re in the midst of a chronic disease epidemic. It’s hard to overstate just how serious this problem is. In fact, I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to suggest that our very survival as a species is at stake.

Six in 10 U.S. adults have a chronic disease, while four in 10 suffer with two or more chronic conditions. (8)

Seven of the current top 10 causes of death are chronic diseases, including Alzheimer’s and diabetes, and chronic disease is responsible for seven out of every 10 deaths each year. (9, 10)

Nearly six million Americans are currently living with Alzheimer’s, a number expected to reach nearly 14 million by 2050; the disease kills more people than breast cancer and prostate cancer combined. (11)

More than 100 million Americans—nearly one in three—have either prediabetes or diabetes, the seventh-leading cause of death, while some 50 million citizens have an autoimmune disease. (12, 13)

As is apparent from these numbers, chronic disease is now the biggest threat to our longevity. Conventional medicine can only manage this slow-motion plague; it can’t stop and reverse it. Indeed, as I’ve written before, it was never designed to. It was historically, and remains to this day, structured to address trauma, acute infection, and end-of-life care, not to keep people healthy. Don’t get me wrong—it’s incredibly effective in these instances; if I get hit by a bus, I definitely want to be taken to a hospital. But it is hardly a powerful weapon in our fight against chronic disease. Unlike acute problems, chronic diseases aren’t simply solved. They can’t be cured with conventional medicine’s Band-Aid approach, that is, drugs and other symptom-suppressing strategies that may not even bring relief, much less a resolution.

It’s important to note here that just as the conventional approach doesn’t promote health in its patients, neither does it foster wellness in its practitioners.

A growing number of clinicians who started in conventional medicine are making their way to a Functional Medicine approach because, to put it plainly, the current system leaves them feeling burned out. If you’re a conventional practitioner and you’ve experienced disillusionment in your work, you’re certainly not alone. But shifting to a Functional Medicine model will allow you to provide the high level of care that drew you to medicine years ago.

Why It Works: The Functional Medicine Pyramid

Functional Medicine can stop and reverse chronic disease. As I briefly mentioned earlier, practitioners almost always begin evaluation and treatment with the foundational layer of the Functional Medicine Pyramid: diet, lifestyle, and environment. We start here because we know from clinical experience and research that these are the areas likely to have the biggest impact on the broadest range of conditions. We know from hard evidence that the mismatch between modern diet, lifestyle, and environment and our basic human biology is the primary driver of chronic disease. What our bodies need, biologically speaking, is not what our bodies get in the modern world. But when we align with these needs by consuming an ancestral diet and living a more ancestral lifestyle, our bodies respond—they heal.

That’s right, there’s science behind this approach, despite the pervasive myth that conventional medicine is “evidence-based” and Functional Medicine is not. Rest assured, if a Functional Medicine clinician tells you to reduce your exposure to artificial light in order to help manage your stress, reduce your risk of disease, or even address issues like diabetes and obesity, it’s because there’s research that supports that connection.

From Resistance to Revolution: Moving into the Mainstream?

Functional Medicine offers a methodology for addressing the root cause of chronic disease so patients can get well—and stay well—without unnecessary drugs and surgery. Sounds good, right? So why isn’t everybody already practicing this way?

The famous saying goes: “All truth passes through three stages: First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.” For a while, Functional Medicine was ignored. More recently, some large conventional organizations have issued statements about Functional Medicine, a sign that it’s gaining traction. Although it isn’t yet mainstream, many caregivers acknowledge this new medical approach as the self-evident solution to the current broken conventional model.

The success of the Cleveland Clinic Center for Functional Medicine, where Dr. Mark Hyman is clinical director, has opened the eyes of many, including healthcare professionals who once doubted the potential of this medical model. The Cleveland Clinic is regarded as a prestigious medical institution, often on the forefront of the newest treatments, therapies, and diagnostic procedures.

But it’s not just “the experts” who are talking more about Functional Medicine; more patients who want their healthcare experience to be true healthcare are also seeking it out. Cleveland Clinic has a waiting list thousands of patients long. My own clinic, California Center for Functional Medicine (CCFM), has grown to include clinicians, a nurse practitioner, a health coach, nutritionists, and an administrative staff in order to meet the growing need. And increasingly, more practitioners all over the country are discovering that Functional Medicine holds the real answers—and more healthy benefits—for their patients.

Functional Medicine 201: Your Next Steps

I hope this article has adequately answered the question it began with and provided you with a good overview of this revolutionary approach to medicine. That said, there’s much more ground to cover. Want to dig deeper?

Prospective patients:

Check out my podcast, “RHR: Bringing Functional Medicine to the Masses – with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee.”

Ready to visit a Functional Medicine clinic? Use our directory to find practitioners near you.

Prospective practitioners:

Check out a recent episode of my Revolution Health Radio podcast on building a career in Functional Medicine.

See if the Kresser Institute’s ADAPT Practitioner Training Program is right for you.

Pick up a copy of my book, Unconventional Medicine.

Do you or does someone you love have a chronic disease? Have you considered a Functional Medicine approach before? Comment below and share your story.

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