#but i cannot just convince myself that i'm mentally healthy

[unhinged-nymph]

.

[auschizm]

I know it's not necessarily auschizm(I hope I spelled that right) related, but you mentioned antidepressants and I just wanted to get on my soap box for a second about people's perception of mental health treatments.

Antidepressants are, statistically speaking, only 30-40% likely at actually treating/"fixing" the problem. Yet everyone acts like once you're on them, you're going to be magically cured and just Neurotypical and Okay and Healthy.

I don't know the statistics on other mental health medications BUT

For two years, I was on electric shock therapy because of just how bad my PTSD enduced depression was. It quite literally the only reason I am alive today. ECT has a statistical ~80% chance of "fixing" depression (and is used to treat psychosis, but I am unsure about the statistics on that.)

Any and every time I mention to people that I was on ECT they responded in abject HORROR that I received such treatment. Claiming it was torture and not a real, legitimate form of treatment. They were convinced it was only something that happened in the 1950s, and all advancements to it STOPPED in the 1950s.

No matter how many times I explained how the procedure was done, that i was in fact not conscious during it(thank you anesthesia), and given muscle relaxers to not actually under go a physical sezuire(though, disclaimer, you can still have one, and had one twice), they acted like I was subjecting myself to actual medieval torture and could not, for some reason no matter how I described how Bad I Was, wrap their head around how and why I came to the conclusion that ECT was something I needed.

All of this to say: people are just so entirely ignorant, and imo willingly so, to the actual realities of treating mental illnesses, especially outside of mild/situation depression and mild anxieties. And they are nor willing to actually educate themselves on things like therapies and coping skills and the different types of medications and the side effects of medications and what medication can and cannot do and what happens when medication just... Do Not Work For You.

I'm pretty sure the stats for antidepressants are far worse than that, actually. As far as I can recall, in most scientific studies of the effects of antidepressants, there hasn't actually been documented a difference between being on antidepressants and taking a placebo pill. And I'm critical of ECT too for various reasons, though I fully respect your decision to try it, and I'm really happy if it helped you

[machinesbleedtoo]

Cluster B personality disorders are manageable, actually

it's always really awkward trying to explain to people how i manage antisocial + narcissistic personality disorder well. people have a really hard time wrapping their head around the concept that We Are People and like any disorder, we can manage it with help. there's this belief that if you're a narcissist or a psychopath you're unworthy of love and a lost cause, which is what made me a monster in the first place. other people kept telling me to just be empathetic, to stop being a dick, etc; i didn't know what that meant, and so i decided other people were the problem because they did nothing but explode at me for what i thought was no reason because no one helped me understand the reason. I was meant to just "know".

i was diagnosed retroactively at 20-fucking-7, when i'd started to work out how to live like a normal person (very patient and loving friends were to blame for that). when i was thirty years old, a psychiatrist said to me: "you obviously have feelings, what do they look like for you? how do they feel?" - i didn't know how to answer him. other people had convinced me i didn't have feelings for most of my life. which is part of why i was a callous bastard - it did not help then (but it does now for the most part) that i'm really good at compartmentalization. it took me a good number of years to know how to answer his question.

i have feelings, yes; we all do. we'd be dead otherwise. they're what drive us to act on things, and the neurotransmitters that work on emotions work on physical functions as well. this assumption about a person is not an excuse to abuse them. it's no excuse to treat them like a catharsis piñata. you could be a monster, too, under the same circumstances as i or anyone who has these disorders far worse than i do.

but it's really hard for me to read myself. it takes a lot more of a feeling for it to break the surface than is normal, and i was never taught to identify what a feeling is catered to my own uniqueness (something everyone should be afforded).

and i have a disconnect between physical and emotional reactions - i didn't think i felt disgust, because i don't get a visceral response to gross things. a lot of my emotions are just different shades of anger. if something disgusts me i get an angry "get the fuck away from me" feeling, i don't gag or whatever. it does set off my diagnosed OCD in some instances, which adds anxiety to the mix.

so i'd do things like be mega stressed and not feel it, then explode outwards like a neurotic control freak because i had no idea what my limits were. or how to solve the problem i was presently facing. i had to train myself to notice the signs in my thought patterns, rather than my body.

it turns out emotional empathy is based on context; how am i supposed to react "normally" to people when i don't know what "normal" is? i used to do some awful things to people when they were experiencing fear because i didn't understand it. i thought it was quaint. in the words of a friend, i was "sciencing the shit out of the situation." i didn't get answers or understand how people worked the healthy way, so i resorted to my own measures (which, of course, did not give me the answers i sought either.)

i have a hard time telling positive and negative emotions apart, which is good in some ways - i just let myself feel things. but the feelings last not very long. and are usually delayed. i'm unable to consent to things as a 34 year old adult normally, because when presented with something i don't care, which does not mean i want it. and because i don't care, i don't know it's a "maybe" at the time. when something bad happens to me it takes me a long time to even realize, and i can't purge it. this is my burden to bear - other people cannot read my mind. but a mental breakdown would be cathartic.

to deal with this botched brain of mine, i recognize it has strengths too. i raised a very well behaved cat, because i am more uncompromising than she is. and she is not afraid when i take her to the vet, because i am a source of emotional stability for her; i'm not reactive, so it calms her. i am able to Persist doing things that are unpleasant like trimming her ass hair, and she's allowed to vent - scratch, yell, bite - and i stay Null and it's over and she doesn't hide or run away because a) she was allowed to express the discomfort b) it was over quickly, which it wouldn't be if i let her carrying on make me stop the ordeal.

i am able to spot an anxious person from across the room. i was exploited a lot when i was young, and so it felt natural to exploit other people in vulnerable positions - something i mistakenly thought i was incapable of. i was always so good at spotting them with this predator brain of mine.

but i started to instead ask those people if they are okay. at first it felt insincere and bad and stupid because i wasn't Allowed to show care for other people, because psychopaths don't do that, because it's always mean spirited or fake when they do. but it became a habit. and it became normal. and it became a strength of mine. i do it because it's the right thing to do - i don't personally have to feel emotional about it for that to be real.

i am able to admit mistakes and apologize because i know when i need to, since my brain cycles through a narcissism spiral, and it's like -- bitch if you're reacting that severely you know you're wrong. it was another thing that sucked and felt insincere to begin with, but with practice it got easier. and with practice it caused me less discomfort. when my brain says arrogant things i respond with citation needed. my neuroscience education certainly helps with my perspective reorientation too.

i'm heavily medicated for these disorders + ADHD + OCD, which helps curb the anger and impulsiveness. i am really good at working with people now - these things being managed and my clinical nonplussed nature makes communication easy. i am able to de-escalate situations well, too.

i've had people apologize for crying, but i was so focused on listening to them i didn't notice - so they didn't have to feel bad about it. because i don't care that they're crying. i care about them. an intellectual sense of care is something everyone carries; it's what makes us choose to be patient, to listen, to mitigate the damage emotional reactivity can cause.

i have high cognitive empathy; i might not react to the emotional state of another person, but i know that my read on the situation will be inaccurate. so i simply ask them what they need, without assumption. this is something i wish more people were able to do. i get very uncomfortable with platitudes, personally - because i just can't relate to them at all and i feel pressured to Perform emotionally. that's just one example of different needs.

there's a lot more i could write about here - and i'm not really sure why i decided to write this now. i guess because the world is very painful lately, and these disorders get used as insults, as armchair diagnoses of people we don't like. there's a myriad of ways to be an asshole. maybe don't contribute to the problem of neglect that creates monsters like the one i could have become.

i am no longer 'a psychopath' because i no longer score on the checklist. but i carry these disorders with me, and i will forever, and i'm grateful that there were people in my life despite it all that loved me anyway.

a disclaimer:

i'd hazard against self-diagnosing these things; you might be on the autism spectrum (most of my close friends are, because we compliment eachother quite well in how our brains work), or have psycopathy-like traits during manic episodes, or have a lack of empathy because of apathy. you might have alexithymia from other causes. etc. i was assessed by both a psychiatrist with a criminology degree and one specializing in personality disorders.

[evreeone]

pbpbpbpbb

it's kind of a wild experience to notice an improvement in some aspects on my health after doing treadmill stuff consistently for 2 months now but to Also still have capacity for Bad Mystery Health Ailment Episodes where i'm exceedingly fatigued and exhausted no matter what i do like ya i'm doing the same exact routine. same exact treadmill routines, eating mindfully and basically eating the same foods. ya this worked for months just fine. it helped me be more productive than i've been in years. it made me forget to some degree that the undiagnosed health bullshit was an Issue, or maybe deluded me into thinking i could dance around it with diet and exercise. like ah maybe that really was the key.....maybe.....But Suddenly now my health has dipped again and it's like... previously i would wake up at a humane time of day, have breakfast, get stretches in, do the treadmill for a few hours, stretches again, shower, lunch, work on art, make dinner, work on art again and sleep at a decent enough time. i had a lot of improvements with stamina and other things, was able to handle raising the speed on the treadmill and no longer ached at all from doing it

now i'm like. waking up later than i'm comfortable with, force myself to have breakfast, still do stretches/treadmill/stretches/shower (though a bit less time on treadmill) but then i'm just immediately out of commission for the entire rest of the day. like today--didn't have lunch or dinner because my body was just so exhausted and i knocked out. i want to work on art but i can't! i want to cook, but i can't. even though i'm upright writing this, my body wants so bad to Not Be because fatigue is pulling on it so heavily, still, even after a 4 hour "nap". i'm back in a loop of waking up still tired and chronic pains are filtering back in and i'm just frustrateddddddd aaaaaaaaa like on one hand it's a bit validating that diet and exercise really Isn't the solution, maybe some more proof to myself one way or another that something is wrong on a level deeper than self-neglect. (a fact i tend to sometimes convince myself out of because my current doctor is very insistent that i'm perfectly fine and healthy because tests have come back clear) ((this is at great disregard for the tests that Haven't been clear)). but on the Other hand, it is maybe somewhat depressing that diet and exercise really isn't the solution. i can't dig Myself out of this and thus i am still reliant on doctors who more or less cannot give less of a shit to try and help get my life back.

and all of this has had me just mentally drifting lately, as i think yet again about the time that's been taken from me so far because i can't fight against my failing health no matter what i do

in other news, though, in an attempt to grip the silver line, my friends have helped me piece together something my doctor has overlooked for years and i am hoping to get a new doctor soon and Maybe start to look in the right places with someone who has at least a shred of respect for this thing i've been experiencing for almost 6 years now

[theangryjikooker]

https://www.tumblr.com/theangryjikooker/760174848978878464/i-hope-to-have-as-much-patience-as-you-do-because?source=share

It definitely has nothing to do with not having reading comprehension skills but everything to do with not liking what's being written. Jikookers are lashing out because someone is "destroying" their beliefs. I'm the same, a Jikooker who tends to firmly believe that Jikook are in a solid relationship for years, and every time they do or say things that doesn't at all align with the image I have of them in my head, I shut it down pretty quickly. Ignore, scroll past, delete, fast foward that specific moment and file it away mentally as "insignificant" and I make it a point to always avoid it in future. And then I go back to my safe cocoon which is "Jikook supporter" spaces where everything is rosy and everything JK and JM say and do is definitive proof of their everlasting love for one another.

And when someone has the audacity to point out the exact moments I work so hard to ignore, I get mad and I feel triggered to say something to counter them. If I cannot do that (as in if I genuinely can't think of anything to say to counter those very valid points they made against the possibility of JM and JK as a couple) I go to Jikook blogs to complain about what "haters" are saying about Jikook's bond, basically just asking them for validation. And when they do, the burning in my chest eases and I feel secure in my ship again.

That's the way it is. And it's so wrong, but I can't help myself and I think it's the same for many shippers, in any ship. It's hard to let go. Even when you reach a point where there's that voice in your head trying to convince you to be logical, there's this other side that just keeps on clinging and just wants to keep spiraling deeper and deeper into that safe space.

Because it really hurts, for some reason, to let go after believing in something so deeply to the point where it becomes a very important part of your life. But this is not a healthy way to live; we see it with how people have turned the fandom into a very toxic, unpleasant environment. We see it with how Taekookers have been harrassing people for years, have threatened harm on others as well as themselves, and are not above insulting the family members of the ones they claim to love and support. Jikookers may always boast about being sane and unproblematic compared to Taekookers, but I really don't think we are very far off from reaching that level of delusion and acting that way if the way they've started to react to Taehyung doing or saying anything regarding JK or even just the thought of him breathing next to JK is anything to go by.

So no matter how much it hurts, I'll force myself to read blogs and posts like yours and open myself up to spaces outside Jikook shipping (with the exclusion of Taekook shipper or solo stan spaces, of course) because I don't want to become miserable and toxic.

And I really wish Jikookers would do the same, try to be a little more neutral and logical, and that there would be more Jikook blogs on Tumblr like this one. This is how we'll be able to create a healthy shipping environment.

Interesting perspective, and thank you for sharing.

I know that one Jkkr isn’t representative of the masses, but while you’re not the first one to say so, you go into a lot more depth and vulnerability than I’ve ever seen any shipper say to someone who doesn’t align with their views.

I think I said in a much earlier post that I can empathize with how difficult it will eventually get for shippers if their idealized version of reality doesn’t match actual reality because they’ve dedicated a lot of time, energy, and emotion into what is arguably just a fantasy. Standard sunk-cost fallacy.

I think people who’ve followed me longer already know that despite saying what I do, I’m always open to the possibility that anything I’ve said is wrong/I’m wrong about them. I’m not particularly willing to hedge bets on it, but I’m vocal enough and often that I sound like a broken record to myself.

I think this is where I butt heads with a lot of shippers because my stance isn’t attached to the pride of being right; I just have opinions and share my observations and any glaring inconsistencies. With toxic shippers—as was the case since I opened this blog and why I started it in the first place—it’s their way or the highway.

Anyway—again—thank you. Food for thought for anyone else interested.

[louspinx]

Mapleshade

The way people try to push the idea that Mapleshade has some kind of mental disorder is insane. Like yes! Let's diagnose this crazy bitch with a serious and complex disorder just because she's experiencing two things that can also be caused by literally anything else! I am saying this as a mentally disabled person with clinically diagnosed disorders. I'm saying this as someone who has to suffer from psychosis. You don't know what you're talking about, so please shut up.

Psychosis is not just hallucinations and hearing things; the same thing can be said for schizophrenia; it's a lot more complex, and I think it's ignorant as all hell to continually push the false narrative that she's mentally ill and that it's "not her fault" or "she shouldn't be held accountable" because of a disorder. Psychosis stems from being disconnected from reality and could also occur due to schizophrenia. Psychosis is defined by behavior that shows the patient is losing touch with reality. These behaviors can be widely varied. Some common ones are not responding to stimuli (no matter how hard you try to engage them in conversation or try to get them to respond, they simply don’t do anything), delusional thinking, hallucinations (auditory being the most common), and social isolation.

Psychosis is a breakdown of that ability, where the real and the unreal start to meld together, and it shows up as delusions, hallucinations, or disordered thinking. Delusions are strongly held and abnormal, often bizarre thoughts that you cannot convince a person out of and won't consider alternative explanations. Hallucinations are things that you sense in the world around you that aren't really there, like sounds, objects, smells, tastes, and sensations. People with schizophrenia may often experience delusions where they think things are moving (not like cars or animals). Things look more sinister. Thoughts becoming loud, feeling as if someone is out to get them, having thoughts that did not originate from them.

While yes, Mapleshade did experience two of these things, you need to understand that these are not exclusive to mental disorders. My caretaker, who has a somewhat healthy mind and no records of disorders, experienced hallucinations of hearing things after Grandpa died. The whole nine yards. These disorders are a lot more complex than people think they are, and I especially think it's childish to call people ableists when they tell you Mapleshade doesn't have psychosis or schizophrenia. What's more ableist is to try and speak about an illness you know nothing more about, watering it down to simple symptoms that can be caused by literally anything.

You're making it seem as if these disorders aren't as serious as they actually are. And it needs to stop. Her hallucinations were caused by grief and stress, as confirmed by the specific author of that book. Yes, grief can cause hallucinations, as I've had them myself. Also, another point I would like to make is that if she really was schizophrenic or had psychosis (this can sometimes exist on its own), then why hasn't it been displayed throughout the series during the few times we've ever seen her? These disorders don't magically go away, and despite how forgetful Erin's are, I don't think they'd just easily forget something like that when she plays a massive role in the two main books.

[that-gay-jedi]

I know they already can't even meet the bar of understanding usable hours but I wish the healthcare system, my work, insurance, and the government understood that even my usable hours aren't quite as usable as a nondisabled person's tbh.

Like if we set a benchmark of a healthy person at their physical and mental best performing a task as 100, with 110 being slightly too much effort, 125 being dangerously overexerting yourself and 150 being Icarus just felt the wax re-melt, then me performing the same task at my best is never above like 90-95 bc there's a portion of my focus is that is distracted for as long as I'm in pain (which barring a miracle is gonna be the rest of my life) and a portion of my patience and endurance my brain will always have to spend on coping, and a portion of physical energy my body will always have to spend on surviving the adverse conditions chronic illness creates, and there's literally no amount of motivation, treatment, good work habits nor anything else on this earth that's ever going to change that because I'm not holding anything back, I'm giving everything I have and everything I have is 90% of what that guy over at the next desk has.

And like, from the way the people who are my contacts from these systems talk to me I know the immediate response is "So overdo it slightly and get that 100 from where a healthy person would get 110" but that only works for a day. If I try to give the equivalent of 110 daily then the 90 I can offer at my best goes down to like 65 by day 3 and it's only downhill from there. Even if I put my work before literally everything to the point that I'd be proud to be found dead in my office chair if it meant taking one more call, you'd only be able to get at maximum maybe 2-3 weeks out of me before I had truly and absolutely nothing left to give anyone, including myself, ever again.

In effect, my employer simply cannot extract the same amount of value-for-labour out of me as from other people because my laundry list of medical problems already extracted some. In perpetuity. No stick, no carrot, no gun to my head, no amount of biopsychosocial clear cutting or strip mining is ever going to change that. Can't take what isn't there.

I've long since accepted what I can and cannot do (what other choice do I have? I can't hate myself into being magically cured, and frankly I wouldn't if I could. I refuse to hate myself for anyone or anything ever again), but the work mindset the people I have to interact with from these systems subscribe to is incapable of accepting anything gracefully. What do you mean you're not going to get better? Sounds like you're just not doing everything you possibly can (surely there has to be some rabbit you can pull out of a hat if we just make you desperate enough). What do you mean you can't give 110% every day? What do you mean there are consequences?

To try to get everything out of me when I don't even have all of it is a form of magical thinking, it's blood from a stone, and yet these motherfuckers are so completely convinced. If capitalism is a church, they're the preacher who tells you the reason you still need your mobility aid(s) is that you're not praying hard enough. Reality isn't real to them, greed and toxic positivity are all they understand.

And I don't fucking know how to get through to these people who unfortunately, through an interconnected series of bureaucracies and policies, hold my future in their hands. I don't know how to make them understand it when they're so determined not to.

[tinnitusdiaries]

04/05/2024

I convinced myself I could go on Reddit forums for tinnitus again now that I've habituated.

I was wrong. That is still a bad idea. A very, very bad idea.

Talking about and writing about my tinnitus provides some relief for me. Prior to having noticeable tinnitus, talking about my anxiety and depression was a relief, as well. I guess I'm just a vent-er. I like to process out loud. Sharing what I know makes me feel much better about myself, too.

Since my tinnitus had been louder these last couple of days, I thought it would help if I found those newer to tinnitus on Reddit and offered them some advice since I had been in their position before, too. I thought I could assure them that in the pages of pages of negativity, there is hope. That people just stop talking about tinnitus when it gets better or they habituate.

I think it did help some, but I still had to read through a lot of people trying to drag others with tinnitus down with them rather than supporting them. I saw a comment that basically said tinnitus was the worst thing that ever happened to them and if the post-er had habituated then their tinnitus must not be that bad. I saw another that said the post-er was dumb to think it won't get worse.

This reminded me why I post on Tumblr although hardly anyone reads any of this. It's because no one is spitting on my experiences here. The few people who have reached out share their experience from a neutral perspective.

Reddit is the devil for people with tinnitus and it makes me sad that it has more of a tinnitus community than any other platform (that I know of) because that community is like if AA was full of alcoholics that didn't want to get better. It's not healthy. It's not safe. It's not fair.

That's also why I feel the need to share my success in habituation and how I handle spikes. I cannot compromise my mental health for others, though. I cannot send myself into an anxiety spiral thinking that something bad happened to a commenter so it'll happen to me, too.

Tinnitus is so insanely unique to everyone that I cannot expect every other story to become my story.

I wish there was more of a community for people with tinnitus. I really do.

[toxicgreenslushi]

I'm having an immensely difficult time regulating my emotions, my thoughts, doing the things I'm supposed to be doing to keep myself healthy mentally and physically.

It doesn't feel like something I can tell people about because it either feels like I'm whining (maybe I am), feels like the oppression and mental illness olympics (which it shouldn't be), or that I am singularly at fault for all my shortcomings and struggles including my mental illnesses (maybe she's born with it...but shes clearly exaggerating).

Although I didn't ask to be neurodivergent, it almost feels like a fucking game of convincing people to take you seriously. And that alone can make you feel insane. Knowing there are many people you may have to/or feel like you have to prove yourself to.

And when you push through your struggles, everyone thinks "see, you CAN do it. Stop complaining or making excuses" but when you cannot do it or you can only go so far, no one has anything to say. They just deem you lazy, incompetent, and self sabotaging.

So much so that you start to believe them. Maybe you are just lazy and entitled. Maybe you just need to keep pushing yourself through the pain even if it seemingly gets you nowhere but the middle line where everyone else seems to be miserable (but hey! we gotta do it because we were born to be miserable?!).

But in my mild physical weakness and illness and in my mental chaos I see humanity begging for humane treatment. Begging for understanding. Begging for reprieve. And I see others who once were downtrodden saying "no one should get a free hand out" as if thats what being humane is.

And I'm tired of explaining myself. So I get very close to the edge of blowing up my entire life because I don't feel like I have the mental energy of replaying the same story in digestable pieces for those committed to misunderstanding me. I want to tell them all to fuck off.

Where did anyone get the idea that we should all suffer (therefore pay our dues) because some have suffered? So we should all suffer to get through life because thats just how it is? That sounds like the world making zero progress. That sounds like a stagnant life.

[dzpenumbra]

5/5/23

I caught up on sleep. By that I mean... I only woke up 3 times, and was able to get back to sleep every time.

I did the old yoga video that I liked, the one focused on the psoas. It was good. I chilled for a bit and then went to therapy.

My therapist is chill as shit, I'm really glad to meet someone like him. I think our common-ground as nerds helps a lot in speaking the same language, and I guess having a bit more of an interest in taking an imaginative and narrative approach to things. Just a theory.

I've still been exhausted all day, I think it shows. I went right in and started going off about my neighbors and how fucked my sleep is... and how far back this all goes. And the only remedy I'm seeing being $300 noise cancelling earplugs, and how I just don't know what to do anymore... And... It took a really interesting turn. At one point, I mentioned that I was really... in a bit of an inner conflict. I've consistently had people shitting on me for being on this sleep schedule, the one I just magically keep ending up on. For like... over 15 years I've ended up in this schedule. And I told him that like... I'm starting to blame myself. Like I'm just being stubborn and bull-headed about this schedule and I won't just give it up and go to bed earlier. And the surprising part? He started telling me about like... human evolution - which, if you know anything about me, made my ears perk right the fuck up - and was talking about how naturally... we're very weak creatures, who rely entirely on our problem solving skills and social skills for survival. Numbers and strategy. And to provide food, there would be people hunting and gathering during the day. And to protect from predators, obviously there would be people to guard during the night. And... it just physically cannot be the same people, because sleep is not optional.

Point being - he thinks there could be a genetic component to it. And, at very least, it has always been important to have people awake during these hours - the hours I write this every night. In fact, now that I'm going over this, I remember my old landlords saying very candidly... when there were houses being robbed in my neighborhood... that they felt much more safe and reassured having me up and awake with the lights on all night long. My insomnia or nocturnal nature or whatever, made them feel safe. That really warmed my heart. Instead of plaguing me, making me miss appointments and social shit, depriving me of a social life, depriving me of opportunities... it actually did something good.

But like... my therapist was encouraging me to not beat myself up, because if I keep gravitating back to this... it's likely a somewhat natural component. And I agree, I am a huge supporter of not fighting my nature, instead finding a way to make it work for me. To make it functional. Like my panic shit, my anxieties. I don't want to run from them, or suppress them. I want to learn how to tame them, and work together with them. I want to give them a healthy seat at the table, teach them how to play nice. Sometimes he gets what I'm saying with that, sometimes he doesn't.

I mentioned weed, I finally did it. It was difficult. I have been candid with mental health professionals about this in the past and had it go horribly wrong, so... still a bit gunshy about it. But it went okay. He didn't seem to support me smoking to help with sleep, mostly because like... it might cause more harm than good with the anxiety/panic. I explained my whole thing with like... how I don't want to smoke, then go to sleep, then wake up still high and hear weird noises upstairs... and have my imagination turn that into weird paranoid shit. If you've ever had the phenomenon with weed where you like... you hear a knock on the door and are just convinced it's the cops or something? I guess some people get anxiety chest pains with it, and they convince themselves its a heart attack and go to the ER? Or like... weird shit like suddenly being scared you forgot how to breathe or something? That kinda freakout? I've been very prone to those, and I do not have good skills at diffusing that shit. My thoughts spin and I get stuck in those moments a lot, sometimes for hours, and it's a very vivid and visceral experience for me, very cinematic. So... basically... my primary concern has been that I am going to wake up and hear noises and get paranoid and freak out, and I don't want to experience that deep and visceral of an emotion because I feel like I lack the tools to diffuse it. That's what I tried to explain, but I don't think he fully got it, because we didn't really have a discussion about it. He just sorta said he didn't think it was the best idea. And considering this tends to be my most anxious season... I will lean towards agreeing with him. I think I'm going to test run getting high in a controlled environment first, very controlled. With tons of upbeat chill music and a nice comfy Minecraft world to chill in. Just in case.

I was trying to explain to him that I don't like the idea of being afraid... of being afraid. Being afraid of maybe freaking out. Because it's a blackhole of anxiety. It's fear of fear itself, that's a feedback loop. And that I really wanted to confront this. But yeah, I think he saw how tired I am, and how overwhelmed I am, and was like... "yeah, don't add more shit onto the pile". And I think he has a point.

What he did recommend... was contacting my doctor and looking into a sleep study. At least seeing if it was an option. Then maybe they can help me find the root of all of this. Sleep study has been on the to-do list with therapists and doctors... I'm not even exaggerating... for like close to a decade. And it's never gotten done. So I'm all for it. I just... hope it's affordable. And I have a feeling it won't be. But yeah, I don't know. If I'm going to spend my money on anything... this seems like a good thing.

I'm just gonna be honest here, I'm a bit pissed that I have to go get a bunch of medical tests done to figure out why I can't sleep when my loud-as-shit college-aged neighbors are making a bunch of noise 5 feet above my bed at 9AM, when I go to bed at 4-5AM. I feel like that's kind of a no-brainer... And I really do not want to piss money away just to have a doctor tell me that.

But an interesting point came up in my discussion that I wanted to bring up. I can fall asleep to music, and have for years. Years. I can fall asleep to VoDs of livestreams of people whose voice I recognize. In fact, my plan-B for sleep is to go downstairs, get in the comfy chair, put in the noise-cancelling AirPods and put on a playlist of YouTube videos that are essentially livestream VoDs. And that shit is literally right in my ears. So... if I can fall asleep to that, and stay asleep with that on... Why do I wake up when I hear creaking floorboards above me? Why do I wake up when I hear muffled belly laughs 6 feet away from me?

I think what's waking me up... are the sounds of living beings near me. I think I'm sensing human activity, and subconsciously waking myself up because of it. And I'm doing it... with fucking earplugs in. The way I would if I heard a door close really close to me, being alert and aware in order to keep myself safe.

Yep, the keyword popped into my head again because my therapist reminded me. Hyper-alertness. Hypervigilance. Even when I'm asleep. And that explains the freakouts, too. So... if I just felt more safe, and secure, and protected... less under threat... I'd think a lot of the day-to-day problems I have would start evaporating. Maybe that's why people act like they'd rather someone take their kid than their guns. Idk. I can't bring myself to be that kind of person.

Welp, that conversation opened some questions for me to work through. How can I reduce hypervigilance, by myself when I live alone, when sleep-deprivation and isolation make hypervigilance exponentially worse? How can I "safely" use THC to help fall into a deeper sleep like I used to, without needing to worry so much about the freakouts? Will a sleep study help me find underlying causes of my sleep problems, or just be a huge bill to confirm for me that I'm an isolated person who doesn't feel safe who has loud neighbors in an apartment building, who's trying to sleep while everyone else is awake? Is there a solution to this that isn't pharmaceuticals or $300 earplugs?

Find out at 11! (good lord, you know you're getting old when you make a cable TV news joke and suddenly go... "oh shit, will people even understand a nightly news reference anymore? With the internet and social media and all?")

Hey, here's some good news though. I started working on the hoodie. And by started, I mean... I got a big chunk of it done. I decided to just do the star clusters for each constellation of the zodiac. Not even visually connecting the stars in the constellation, just adding the dominant clusters of stars that make up the constellations. Then I made sure all the planet position markers were on there, for later reference. Then I started to paint the silver rings on the inside and outside of these voids that will be painted black with white stars. I was on the fence about that for a while. The whole thing is themed black, white and silver... do you do white stars? Or silver stars that actually have a glint to them? And it was a tough call, but I went with white. Mostly just to mirror a silver ring I have inside the centerpiece already. It just felt right, and I kinda just needed to make a decision. So... now... tomorrow I will have a lot to do, but all it really is is... finishing the outer silver ring, filling the black voids, painting the stars, then figuring out what's going on in the Houses. There are some lines from a prior design in there that.. got remodeled... and I want to paint over them... but I'm on the fence. Meh, I'll figure it out tomorrow.

I was holding off on that hoodie for a long time. It was intimidating. It's been well over a month since I've worked on it last, I'd bet. But the second I got my white colored pencil out and started working, I couldn't stop. In fact, I keep looking over at it going "I could just... do a little more on the silver. I could knock that out real quick..." And that's how all-nighters start. That's how 6-hour painting binges that end with hand cramps start. So... to honor the god of the evening - Sleep - I'm gonna go wind down and get myself in bed.

[introspective-journaling]

Journaling 1

Recently I forgot everything I know and all of the promises I made to myself to love myself💔. For four years I ignored red flags, gaslighting and manipulation, alcoholism, cheating, secrets, lies, and my own emotions and intuition. I lowered my standards until we were wrapped up in the cycle of a toxic and mentally abusive relationship. Conversation after conversation, argument after argument, chance after chance until I ended it with the police to keep things from blowing up. Being in this type of relationship physically alters the brain, but I didn't know that! I was asking my therapist about my memory and telling my psychiatrist I still have anxiety. Adjusting medication dosages, which probably only made things worse. A person can't heal or grow in toxicity anyway. It's hard to let the people we love go, even when they aren't good for us and we're no longer good for them either. That's hard to accept, but I didn't like who I was becoming.

I couldn't understand someone with seemingly good intentions, asking for more chances while not truly valuing me, themselves, life, or the relationship they're in. Why stay? There was a time they were too good to be true and I'd still get glimpses of that person, so in some way I understand why people struggle to leave. I saw the patterns, but couldn't link my partner specifically with terms like "psychological abuse," if that makes any sense? I'm still not sure if everything we went through was related to their alcoholism, or mental health, or if it's truly a part of their personality too. I really struggle to believe it's who they are deep down, but I can still hear the irritation in their voice from me wanting just a moment out of their day. I still see the emptiness and boredom in their eyes, while I could hardly keep back the tears. I can feel the burning intensity in the same eyes that were empty and cold only hours ago. Turning them on and coming suddenly to life, to convince me you'd never do anything to hurt me. It's hard to respond, my heart is in my throat and my mind is screaming... "Then why do you keep hurting me?"

Regardless of whether it's intentional, hurtful behavior cannot go unchecked or unresolved. If someone can't respect your feelings, take accountability, or follow through on an apology, they don't have the maturity for a healthy and sustainable relationship. When a person is invalidated and manipulated long enough, they become insecure and start contributing to the toxicity. I know this, I've known for a long time yet I kept letting it all slide when nothing got better. I knew this was unhealthy, it felt unhealthy, my feelings and boundaries were ignored, I felt unwanted and intentionally misunderstood, arguments were heated, I wasn't taking care of myself, I called attention to words and behaviors that hurt to no avail, and I still didn't come to the conclusion from all of that, that my partner was using me, keeping me around. Or I simply wouldn't accept it.

The other side to them could be incredibly caring and I think maybe they actually did care at one point a few years ago. They were affectionate, helpful, shared my responsibilities, helped with projects, listened to my thoughts and feelings, prioritized our quality time (all of which I'd hear about during arguments, even if I didn't ask for anything). They spoke kindly, and would repeatedly say they'll treat me better, talk to me respectfully, communicate more, get help with drinking, be more open and honest. They talked beautifully about the future, life together, sent me love songs and promises to change, even talked about buying a house and getting married, reassured me that they truly wanted me. Wanted me... Yes that much was true, but wanting me isn't valuing me, isn't loving me.

Those glimpses of who they were when we met and how wonderful we could be together, are what kept me going... It was rarely followed through, but they used all of the above to say they've "been trying". This led to more confusion, I questioned my own perceptions and thought I might be overreacting. I wasn't sure if I was coming or going in that relationship. All I knew in the moment was that I loved this person. I came to trust them enough to open up in ways I never thought I would, and to hope for a future I didn't realize I wanted. I was craving their quality time and seeking validation, but they had withdrawn to an emotionally unavailable place that I couldn't reach. I cried for like a week and a half thinking I missed them after they left, until one phone call and the texts that followed put it all into perspective. I don't think most people get this moment of clarity, brutal honesty from the person who keeps hurting them. It's the shortest recovery time I've ever experienced from the intense crying phase of a breakup. I do still cry and have moments of deep sadness, but honestly that call and some of the texts made things so clear to me that I have very little to grieve over anymore. The reminders still hurt when I'm hit with intrusive memories, but I'm allowing myself to accept and honor my feelings. Then I have to move on with each day. I have chosen to forgive her and I'm trying to forgive myself too.

*****************************************************

🔒Now for the 🔑self love and words of affirmation🔓

❤️LOVE YOURSELF!❤️

🌹I love myself!

🌹I am beautiful!

🌹I love my body!

🌹I love my face!

🌹I love everything about me!

🌹I am caring!

🌹I am passionate!

🌹I am strong!

🌹I can achieve anything!

🌹I deserve everything I want in life!

🌹I have a big heart and all of my love is for me!

🌹I won't give anyone space in my life who loves me

less than I love myself!

Would the person you're with be okay with you acting the way they do in the relationship? 🤔 Mirror them for a week and find out. Recognize what you deserve and have the courage to leave someone who doesn't deserve you!

Think about this 💭. What would you tell your best friend, your sister, daughter, niece if they were going through what you are? Treat yourself as another loved one, and only allow people into your life who respect and appreciate you. Would you want anyone else to feel the way this person makes you feel? You are just as important and worthy of genuine, healthy love! Bring people into your life who you feel safe and proud to also bring into your family.

Love yourself, take care of yourself first!

[lnights]

Hey Awkward,

Sorry if I’m overwhelming you with useless crap today feel free to ignore.

I’m having a really bad mental health day I’ve managed to go out only because I refuse to pay for something I didn’t get and I absolutely do not want to eat in spite of being hungry as long it just isn’t interesting me today and I’m convinced something bad will happen or I’ll gain weight (that fear is 7 layers of therapy deep) … I nearly passed out and vomited at the hair appointment until she made me eat some cookies.

Sorry I’m dumping my problems on you fellow bat and by no means expect you to solve them. But I cannot bring myself to talk to my support system for fear of being called illogical or stupid and I guess it’s easier to my anonymous blind channel loving bat on the internet… sorry

Love and fluffy bat hugs always

Anxious 🖤🦇

Hey hun, you don't need to apologize for having to let things out, I do it too (on anon so no one knows it's me but still). You're not dumping your problems on me, you're venting and that's healthy.

I'm glad you did eat something. And I am so so sorry you don't feel like your support system will call you names for having a bad mental day.

We all get them.

I know it can be hard to take care of yourself when you're head is fighting you, I've been there too. You're not alone in it💕

The fluffiest of bat hugs. 🦇🖤

Here's some cute bat photos, courtesy of my favorite snek 🐍

[flagellant]

jeez the alien thing got confused huh i was worried abt that. I apologize for making assumptions, you don't owe anyone a diagnoses to speak on something, but in regards to system discussion it'd certainly be helpful to understand if you're speaking from direct experience as a system or as a singlet who would honestly not have the biggest place to be judging what makes a system "valid" or not.

in regards to the "autistic people r reborn aliens" eugenics movement thing i apologize for not clarifying further that uh fucking yeah i understand that specific vein of "neurodivergent people (in this case specifically autistic folks) are spiritually markedly Different bc they were aliens in a past life" is like obviously fucked up and shitty. i'm not defending that at all. it's unfortunate that the example we were using was aliens as that kinda made for an unfortunate unintentional connection to that movement to be made.

when i'm discussing this i meant the broad example of anyone having any kind of non-human past lives. I think ur generalizing that every person that experiences that is someone that believes in a eugenics movement. I already said i disagree with what the other person was saying and doing, trying to convince any queer or neurodivergent person they're non-human reincarnations because they're queer or nd is obviously really fucked up. I'm trying to comment on the fact that you're seeming to lump everyone who believes in non-human reincarnation concepts either into this group or trying to dismiss the validity of their beliefs by saying they're delusional or have body dysmorphia, and that that feels kinda fucked up.

I brought up the way you speak about systems too because it really rubs me the wrong way for you to be judging and making fun of systems with fictives/headmates of fictional characters, esp bc like i said i assumed u were a singlet.

I'm just trying to express how the way you're speaking about these things feels hurtful. If you still feel the way you do after these clarifications I'd like to try and understand more where you're coming from if you wanted to explain further?

First paragraph: I firmly do not believe that the idea that someone cannot speak whatsoever about problems within a community without being a member of that community is a healthy thing to have. Especially one as fraught with codependency, toxicity, and unhealthy coping mechanisms as the one we're referring to now. Even at the best of times, I would not willingly want to publicly talk about my mental history in any capacity, shape, or form. The fact that I admitted having a form of dysmorphia earlier today was I think the first time I consensually shared that kind of information about myself of my own volition/without external pressure.

That said, second paragraph: Yeah today's been a fuckin' mess.

Third paragraph: I was not referring to, and it was not my intention to refer to, anyone who believes in non-human past lives/believes they have had such. My definition of non-human in this scenario would fall under something like a wolf, or a fish, or a tree, or so on. It would definitionally not include an alien, or a deity, or a mythical creature, or a fictional character, which is what I was referring to alone. I apologize it took this long to reach that clarification. I've done a lot of research on many aspects of Central and East Asian cultures/religions/histories because I have a special interest for such things. Trust me when I say that it was definitely not my intention to come off as lumping any of that as what you said.

Fourth paragraph: While I will be the first to admit I have some pretty strong opinions when it comes to systems as a whole and as a concept, the only real belief I have is that fictive-heavy systems need to be incredibly careful that they are not forming a toxic relationship with consuming media, and I disapprove of it for much the same reasons I do with pop culture paganism. I do not have any problem with the idea of systems as a whole because frankly I just. Don't care, and I don't want that to be my business. I've only brought it up in these contexts explicitly because it was contextually systems who were doing these things today, and then systems who harassed me based on the misunderstandings borne out of that. I've gotten real fuckin' exhausted of it all so I've started making fun of it rather than treating it in good faith because they're not taking anything I'm saying in good faith, so I'm not going to spend that energy.

Fifth Paragraph: [points to all of this as clarification and explaining further], also, thank you for like. Just fucking talking. I appreciate it, genuinely.

[deliriousacademia]

✨for those of you who need some encouragement ✨

here i am, alive and happy. this is for those of you who need it, because i felt like sharing a little bit of my story as encouragement for those enduring troubling times.

i have spent my entire life suffering from depression, anxiety, insomnia, anorexia, and as of last year, PTSD. yes, my brain chemistry is absolutely fucked, i'm aware. i attempted suicide years ago, and have come close to a repeat of that on multiple occasions. i never thought that things would get better, i had myself convinced that life was nothing more than never-ending turmoil. that my brain was truly beyond repair.

but here i am.

i have my own apartment in the city, shared with my two wonderful rabbits; beatrix and oats. i have a fantastic job that i absolutely love and to be honest, i'm damn good at it too. i'm in love with the most amazing man who loves me right back. he's got the curliest jet black hair and he's a talented musician (and he even writes songs about me!!) i don't have many friends, but i love the few that i do. i live within walking distance of a cute little park with a fountain and coffee shops and there's even a pizza parlor right across the street from my building! and best of all, according to my five year old selfs daydreams, i have access to a fire escape from my apartment window!

sure, i'm pretty broke. school stresses me out. i've got about 5 parking tickets i have yet to pay. the man with the jet black hair who i'm very much in love with, we had broken up last year after going through a really difficult time. my laundry desperately needs to be folded and put away. i'm facing the late onset of PTSD evoked by childhood abuse that i wasn't even aware of until last year. i struggle with the way i look sometimes. somedays i cannot get manage to get myself out of the brain fog. i'm not going to lie and say that my life has just turned around and everything is easy now, that's not the case and it never will be. I am mentally ill. my brain simply doesn't function in the way that it should. life will be trying, it will be overwhelming. it may even feel like i can't bare to go on at times.

but i will tell you this; despite the horrors brought upon by my mental health throughout my life, i am so happy to be alive. i am so happy that i wasn't successful with my suicide attempt. there is so much beauty and so much love in this life that it has turned from something appalling to something alluring. i want to experience it all, i want to get lost in amazing books, i want to learn chemistry and french and ballet and how to play the piano and how the immune system works!! i want to be a doctor for christ sakes! the things that make up this beautiful world are never ending and there's always something new to dive into! i want to be around for it, and i hope that all of you out there struggling reach this point too. i know for a fact that you can.

do not fall into the trap of thinking that recovery from mental illness = a cured brain with no regression. you will relapse, you will hurt, things will be hard. to say otherwise is bullshit. but there is so much more to life than that pain, and i promise you it is worth it to stick around for.

find a therapist that specializes in the issues you're facing, seek medical treatment from a doctor and/or psychiatrist, holistic medicine if that's more up your alley, get exercise, drink water, eat healthy, take care of yourself, hang out with your friends, talk about the things that are causing you pain (i cannot stress this enough!! i would go as far to say that this one is the most important of all), delve into new hobbies that interest you (and don't strive for perfection!! just enjoy the act itself), pursue your dreams as difficult as they may seem to attain, stop giving a damn what others think about you, read your favorite books, watch your favorite movies, listen to music, romanticize your life, watch the dogs at the dog park. whether it's the things listed here or things that you come up with on your own, fucking do whatever it is that you need to do in order to be happy. with mental illness, that's easier said than done, but you need to force yourself to do it for as long as you need to. in the long run, you will feel so much better.

please seek the help that you need, life is beautiful, and i can assure you that you won't regret sticking around.

last but not least, here is a link to a playlist of youtube videos i watch when i'm feeling down. it honestly helps me when i feel sad, so i thought i'd share it. i'm constantly adding to it whenever a video makes me laugh to the point of tears.

[horrorlesbians]

Ok about the leg hair thing !! Because yeah my mom had a big old freak out when she realized I’ve stopped shaving my armpits and don’t plan on starting it up again but ! She relented and I guess let me have my way because I’ve manifested mental illness to the point that my parents finally (FINALLY) realized the whole point of having a child isn’t that they fit your idea of what is right, but more that they are alive, healthy and safe. Like the depths that I had to drag my Latina ass mom to to finally separate herself from the entity that is me, to realize that she and I are unique and divided beings, to see how fucked up I am because of her to the point that she has no choice but to remove herself from the narrative that is mine…

not advisable and may not work on all parents because to be a parent is to be insane but that’s something ig lmao. Every time I try to talk to irl people about this I become more and more convinced that I am Not A Good person, but a cornered animal has no choice but to bite back.

i want to stand my ground and argue back to her but i don't see it as something that would end well for me. when i tried in the past she genuinely doesn't understand what is wrong with her making me shave/wax my legs, when i try to say "if men don't have to shave why do i have to" she throws the "that's just how it is" in my face, like she cannot think critically on the topic of shaving for one second. and because if i try to say that i'm an adult and i can make my own choices she immediately starts the "well if you're an adult guess you can move out, etc".

i think the only thing that could give me a leg to stand on is telling her that the way she talks about my body makes me hate myself, makes me want to hurt myself, and makes me suicidal. but knowing my mother i don't think that would end well either. i just genuinely don't know what to do and may schedule a therapy appointment on campus to talk about it because i just don't know how to move forward.

also 'a cornered animal has no choice but to bite back' will be looping in my brain for the next few days

[unimpressedperson]

Diary Entry: The concept of resting

First of all, I've been clinically ill because of extreme exhaustion at least twice between 2019 and 2021. So, I cannot proudly announce that I have a healthy relationship with work, duties, etc. Actually, this one would be the biggest lie ever told by someone with a straight face.

Also, something else I'm slowly learning: how to rest.

As mentioned a few diary entries before, I'm insomniac and sleep less than can be considered enough - or vigorous. Basically, if I were to live in a reality where my physical integrity and security relied solely on how well I respected my circadian body rhythm, then I'd be one of the first to decease.

Not trying to be humorous about a serious subject, but I'd last less than warm water thrown under a snow storm.

So for the past months, I've been trying to decode how I function and the best ways to promote a stout resting pace. It's no longer a luxury to understand, but a requirement in order to improve my daily life.

I tested many ways of resting, including a bunch of different activities I don't feel keen to maintain or embrace.

A few activities I'm comfortable doing includes pilates, painting, sculpting with clay, diving deep into the philosophy behind different ways of gardening, cooking and improving my seitan preparing techniques.

Also, I learned that some genres of dance do not please me or help me at all, learning about stuff - directly or indirectly - related to work makes me even more exhausted, traditional meditating do not bring any inner peace of mind, crochet is also very stressing.

In that marathon in order to understand myself better and find ways of relaxing, I got to a point where I thought sleeping - yes, the most difficult of the topics - a lot, for over 10 hours, could help me with resting. Nonetheless, I was painfully wrong.

Sleeping, as ironic as it may sound, wasn't the answer after all.

The point for this diary entry is: there are different concepts behind the word "resting", as in relaxing, letting some of the accumulated steam off.

I guess in such an hectic reality, we've been convinced running nonstop and reaching exhaustion is the key for success. As working humans, rest and proper sleep are considered rewards, not a right guarantee for the body and soul.

The touch with love and affection towards our own humanity is being lost. We're aiming to become the kind of humans that cannot pass our own Turing test.

There are different concepts of resting and we should take some time every other day in order to embrace it. Physically, mentally, spiritually, socially, emotionally, sensory and creatively, they need different approaches.

I tried sleeping and doing nothing for weekends, slept over 15 hours for two days in a row and didn't feel any more recomposed than before, if something, deep down I was with the sensation of time lost - which was not the case, though, I needed that kind of rest and felt less burnout.

However, I learned that for the past year I didn't allow myself to exercise my creative muscles, not enough to feel it bubbling inside me. It affected my productivity and mental health.

Exercising different abilities or maintaining alive different hobbies can be a type of resting. Reading, meditating, creating or just staying still in order to absorb the ambience surrounding you.

You can only observe how filled with water the jar actually is when it's completely still, but the filling it up requires movement. That's how resting works for human beings.

Even if we live in a burnout society, it doesn't mean we cannot slowly change it for ourselves.

We are not machines, therefore we cannot work like machines, receive commands and restart once we jammed with information.

Also, feeding your mental health with a false and toxic "positive mindset" might make more damage than good, because most of the coaching methods of improving productivity and pushing forward exhausted bodies with restless souls, they are not created to open your eyes to the best aspects of being alive.

I'm sick and tired of listening that I should feel more gratitude, to relax more - but without letting go of the 30 different errands draining off my energy and making me work overtime, because it might backfire.

In the end, this burnout society - as described by Byung-chul Han - can be ruthless and hurtful, condemning of those tired of being tied to it, but the best method to detangle yourself from this mess is learning more about yourself.

Self-knowledge brings enlightenment and enriches the experience of being alive, even among the chaos.

Knowing how to rest is a nice and healing beginning.