custom-amlucky

[1toreyouapart]

What It Cost

****THIS IS A FICTIONAL STORY BASED ON REAL PEOPLE. 18+ ONLY. I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO THE PEOPLE OR MUSIC MENTIONED IN THIS STORY OUTSIDE OF LILITH AND SADIE AND MAYBE A COUPLE OTHERS. DO NOT READ IF YOU’RE NOT UP FOR FANFIC INVOLVING REAL PEOPLE***

Terrible summary: Five years since she last spoke to him. Since she last saw him. Now his face and his voice is everywhere. She can't escape him.

Five years ago Noah destroyed her and the life they had built. Now he’s back and seeking to make amends. As much as she wants to say that it's too little too late, is it?

CW/TW: Angst, mention of addiction, cheating. Mention of character death. Language. Smut (later on). PinV, unprotected PinV (wrap it before you tap it, friends), oral (f&m receiving). Cyberbullying. All smutty warnings happen later on, so I’ll update TW/CW warning labels as those parts are written and posted. If I forget anything, please let me know so I can fix it! Thank you!

Part 4-Lilith

"Lilly, baby-"

"You don't get to call me that anymore." She interrupted, taking another step back.

She never should have gone to that dinner, knowing he would be there. Everything had been just fine until last night. Sure, she definitely still had some damage to deal with, but she would handle that. Now, here she was, Noah standing in her kitchen, looking like he was crawling out of his skin just being there. Her phone continued to go off, this time with texts and a couple missed phone calls. Why the fuck had she gone to that dinner?

"Lilly, ignore it. It's being handled." He pleaded with her, taking a tentative step towards her.

"Why are you here, Noah?" Her voice shook, everything she was holding back threatening to burst forth.

Noah stopped, his impossibly dark eyes frozen on hers. Lilly watched the silent battle he waged with himself, his mouth opening and closing at each attempt to speak.

"I'm sorry." He sighed, taking another tentative step toward her. "For five years I've thought about what I would say if I ever saw you again, and it all just sounds like bullshit. I don't know what else to say. Just that I'm sorry."

Lilith laughed, unamused. The apology she'd been waiting on, and it rang hollow in her ears when she finally got it. All this time and all he could say was sorry? What the actual fuck? Rage bubbled inside her, drying her tears.

"Fuck you, Noah. Fuck you and your stupid fucking apology." Lilith sniffed, another hollow laugh bursting out of her. "You're fucking sorry?"

Noah flinched, but kept his eyes trained on hers. Swirling in them was an emotion she didn't think she had ever seen before. Shame. But it was mixed with something else she couldn't quite put her finger on. What was he playing at here? And why now?

"What the fuck do you really want, Noah? Why are you really here?" She spat.

"Lilly-"

"Seriously. Five fucking years and you show up here with that bullshit?"

Lilith watched as he rubbed at his chest, his anxiety spiking. What did he think was going to happen? That she would just say all was forgiven and everything would be fine? None of this made any goddamn sense to her. Noah didn't just apologize like this. This wasn't how Noah did things. He always implied he was sorry, something she should have recognized well before things got where they had.

"Noah-"

"I have spent every goddamn day of the last five years wishing I could go back and fix it. That I could just go back in time and never do any of the shit that I did." He interrupted, a single tear slipping down his cheek. "But I can't and I fucking hate myself for what I did to you. None of this, the success, the fame, mean a goddamn thing when at the end of the day, you're not fucking home, Lilly. You're not home and I did that, and I can't fucking fix it."

Right before her she watched him crumble. Lilith watched as he dropped to his knees, clutching his chest, his breath coming in short spurts. She didn't know what to do. He had always been so calm unless he was yelling. So stoic. Now here he was, on his knees on her kitchen floor, unable to keep up the facade any longer. And as angry as she was, her heart hurt for him. It felt like it was shattering to pieces right inside of her chest and she couldn't stop it.

"I can't fucking fix it, Lilly. And I'm sorry. I'm fucking sorry."

Trembling she approached him, reaching for her phone. Never before had she seen him like this, and she was helpless. What was she supposed to do here? What was she supposed to say? Should she even say anything? Do anything? Tears blurred her vision as she dialed Jolly's number, glancing up to see Sadie stepping back into the kitchen, eyes wide at the scene in front of her.

"What's happenin', Thumbelina?" Jolly's voice cut through the panic.

"Jolly? Come quick. He's snapped."

She didn't bother to wait for a response before she hung up, tossing her phone on the floor next to her. Swallowing the lump in her throat she did the one thing she could think of. Slowly, still shaking like a leaf, she dropped down in front of him, throwing her arms around him and squeezing as tightly as she could. If she were to be honest with herself she needed it just as much as he did. Something to keep her grounded and together.

"Noah?" She asked, her voice barely above a whisper. "Breathe, okay? Just breathe. Please. Sadie? Water, please?"

"Yeah. On it."

Lilith sat back on her heels a bit, taking his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. His dark eyes were unfocused, looking everywhere but at her. As angry as she was, she didn't want him feeling like this. Because as much as she shouldn't, she still cared. And seeing him like this absolutely terrified her.

"It's gonna be okay, Noah. Jolly's on his way. He'll be here soon, okay?"

Sadie's hand appeared, holding a glass of water. Grateful she took it from her, offering it to him. When he didn't respond, she set it next to them, wrapping her arms around him again. This time she scooted closer, practically crawling into his lap, burying her face against his neck. If nothing else she could do this, even if it felt a little too much like coming home to be this close to him. She could bury that deep down later.

Noah's impossibly long arms slowly slid around her, crushing her against himself. Lilith squeezed tighter, praying Jolly got there soon. This was far too comfortable, and the realization that she could easily fall right back into him was more terrifying than anything.

"I'm sorry, Lilly. I'm so fucking sorry." He muttered, his breathing finally starting to slow down.

Jesus, fuck.

Tags: @collisionofyourkissmakesitsohard @haylaansmi

[charleslee-valentine]

I wanna talk about this scene.

A head kiss is *so* significant as a choice. Obviously he can’t kiss her lips unless he wants to have his face superglued to hers, but to waste time getting upstairs to have kissed her at all is sorta what I get caught on. There’s got to be *something* going through his head to make that decision over damage control.

We know the abuse of these women, tying them up in a medical chair, is because of what he went through in his childhood. The duct tape bindings in his high chair, the experimental surgical procedures from his father, the neglect; it’s all mirrored in the leather straps, the chair itself and the identical one up at the house. But we also know Bo, despite probably killing at least Victor, has undying devotion to his mother and her legacy. Trudy slaps her child no older than three across his face without hesitation. What affection might look like or have once looked like in the Sinclair house is curious.

The forehead kiss, in the context of the abuse, can read of both possessiveness and distance. Something like staking a claim, less intimate and affectionate than, say, one on the cheek. A heavily controlled sort of relationship. But back to actual affection.

With the Sinclairs, it’s very skewed what that might be like. When Vincent and Bo interact on screen for the first time, Bo is critically injured and angry. He snaps at his brother, but his remorse is immediate and he uses words as a form of affection. Promises as apologies. Almost like begging, a kind of worship on its own.

Which itself ties into his relationship with their mother too.

Trudy is kept down at the church, having her perpetual funeral service. Bo is seen on screen for the very first time kneeling at her coffin in a probable prayer. But that kind of devotion I think is the Sinclair way of affection. As in religion, which has a recurring symbolism in House of Wax, and as such in the characters lives. Prayer drawing parallels to love isn’t surprising.

Something interesting is that in numerous religions, head kisses can be the passing on of a blessing. Bo forces Carly into the same bindings he suffered in for years, but he grants her a blessing before he leaves her there. It doesn’t seem affectionate at first, if anything it’s just kind of condescending, but knowing how Bo works is what makes it much more interesting.

The question is why?

Bo consoles Vincent after he hurts his feelings by talking about their mother’s blessing and legacy. All of Ambrose is a gift from a woman who treated them horribly, and they accept it. The killings are literally for her. In that way, I think Bo is apologizing. He’s inflicting on this woman something that destroyed his life, and he isn't some zombified, all magical slasher; he’s still very much a human being who feels pain and emotions. A lot more emotions than either of his brothers seem to show on screen, actually.

His role as the leader -or the preacher of this church they’ve built, hence why he finds Carly hiding under the robes in the church- isn’t without remorse. It’s do what’s got to be done. Which started with his parents. Victor says in the cold open, “I’m doing the best I can,” while wrestling a toddler. They call little Bo the monster while they’re actively hurting him. These excuses are pre-programmed into his complex.

In regard to further biblical imagery and the Sinclair parents, is the theater. Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? plays nonstop, with the specific scene with Carly being hunted in the theater taking place during Jane’s song. The first two lines of that say, “I’ve written a letter to daddy, His address is Heaven above.” There’s this idea of communicating with a dead parent again, just like Bo speaking out loud to Trudy’s corpse, but now it’s outwardly tying it in with religious beliefs. If Bo is the preacher, he’s simply passing along the holy message instilled in him by his parents above. Bo *is* Baby Jane in that way, but not for the most obvious reason. While yes, he is harsh to his brother, as Baby Jane treated her sister Blanche badly, there’s also the fact that he’s a washed up, desperate, abused child who craves love and validation and normalcy again. Using his communication with the divine up in Heaven above to spread a blessing is a way of getting approval. With a detached kiss to Carly, his crimes are the gospel.

A consistent theme here is not only his relationship with being abused, but also with Vincent. Biblically, conjoined twins are considered a mistake of nature. God creates two human souls, but it is the fault of nature that their bodies combine. However, because of the risks, it is also considered mostly immoral in the church to separate them if one or both will have their lives risked. For the Sinclair twins, their father did this surgery himself, at home, which is obviously wildly illegal and dangerous. That makes him a sinner and an obstacle to a perfect Ambrose, on top of being an abusive asshole. So he’s killed, implied to be shot by Bo directly. That bullet was his punishment as much as the highchair was Bo’s punishment. Vincent may not have gotten the highchair, but he does have the marks on his face to show for what Victor chose. The surgery, the sin of going against the new plan, left Vincent scarred and missing not just tissue but parts of the bones in his face. Having to wear the masks and being disallowed from leaving Ambrose is his punishment for Victor’s moral crime. God took from them both unfairly and I think, despite his devotion, Bo doesn’t quite believe in the faith fully because of that.

Again, he’s human. He has his doubts and fears. His reassurance to Vincent in the form of “Ma would be proud” goes for himself too. And his subsequent “She always said that your talent would make up for what God took away from you.” Vincent doesn’t need convincing though, he needs an apology. That’s what Bo’s speech about Trudy is, is an apology, but that doubles for both him and Vincent. And the head kiss too. Because again, he’s operating on what he’s supposed to do. It’s a routine.

At that point, I think Bo doesn’t get satisfaction from fulfilling God’s (ahem, Trudy’s) plan anymore. Carly, and by extension every other girl who was down in that cellar at one point or another, is a sacrifice to it. She’s duct taped in that chair because someone has to be suffering in order for the Sinclairs to thrive. That’s the way it’s been before. Someone has to be hurting to need God’s grace so badly as to keep up what they’re doing, rather than just forgetting Ambrose. But what makes me think Bo specifically has stopped deriving anything positive from that order, is that he also tells Vincent “We almost finished what Mama started.” Based on the number of empty seats in the theater alone, they could theoretically kill a lot more than just the six kids that night. Why stop there? Because of the sacrificial lamb down in his cellar. I think Bo thinks that his actions will trigger be some fateful event that’ll free them all of Ambrose. Some great flood or some such. And when it doesn’t come for an entire decade after Trudy’s death, I think his desperation is growing more and more over those ten years to where his faith is now slipping. Back around to the head kiss, the silent promises he makes to Carly is to reassure himself that she’ll be special and it’ll end with her.

Choosing Carly specifically, could come from a biblical Madonna-Whore complex. Bo saw the whole group the night before, only two of which were girls obviously. Between them, Paige is pregnant. The Bible states directly that she should be burned for that (as she is out of wedlock.) Ambrose is, to him, a Holy place, but bringing Paige in and keeping her alive, no matter for how short a time, would technically be making the entire land impure. So Carly it was. I do think he has an attraction to her, since whoever has the video camera that night takes special care to record her lips, and then he makes a comment about them after supergluing them. It’s just the fact he could’ve kissed her at any point before the glue came out, and chose not to. Just that little head kiss. Because as much as he’s preached, he has to resist temptation himself or it’s all for naught. Does that mean I think he doesn’t assault any of the women? No, absolutely not. There’s a sex swing in that cellar. It’s just a matter of repenting. The first time we ever see Bo’s face, he’s on his knees in the church. Out of all the empty buildings in Ambrose he chose to go pray at church before the group showed up. He knows what he’s gonna do and knows he shouldn’t. Hence the other meaning of the kiss again, the apologetic side combined with the resistance.

Bo is such a deeply, deeply complex character. He went through so much only to turn around and inflict so much. Going back to their father’s choice to do the surgery on his own, the impacts of having a whole person removed from the back of Bo’s head is so unknown.

From the way they were conjoined, their skulls may have very well been attached. Seeing as Vincent has impacts to the development of his brow bone, cheek bone, lower jaw, and nasal bridge, those bones would have to go somewhere, and the realistic answer is that they would’ve been fused to Bo, or at least the parts of those would’ve been there. All in the back of Bo’s head, directly against his skull. To me, it’s incredibly, incredibly unlikely that no impacts would’ve been made on Bo’s brain development. How much of his violent impulses are even his own, and how much comes from a traumatic brain injury, inflicted by their father himself. Certainly blaming that baby for being a monster, when it’s a consequence of his own behavior, seems about fitting with the rest of the manipulation processes that go on in that family. Which Bo had to learn from somewhere. Trudy was likely his biggest abuser, but I think Bo modeled a lot of himself, unconsciously, after their father. Killing him was just taking on that role, and the religious filtering of it all, is Bo’s way of processing that. The father, the son, and mama’s Holy Spirit.

[kylermalloy]

November 27, 1940

Fandom: Attack on Titan

Characters: Levi Ackerman/Erwin Smith

Word Count: 1713

Summary: Trapped in a cellar while their bombed home burns above them, Levi and Erwin have only each other in what could be their last moments. Inspired by the Triassic Cuddle.

Shadows flicker from above, flowers of fire blooming, no doubt burning their few possessions. The few they’ve acquired in their time here, the even fewer they were able to bring across the channel.

Levi coughs. The movement rattles both of them, pressed close enough together to feel their synchronized heartbeats.

“Breathe,” Erwin soothes him. He works hard to smooth the ragged edge to his own voice. The smoke scratches at his lungs, but he refuses to let it claw up his words. Levi will not hear that.

Read more

[hinamie]

close again and closer still

[crowberri]

Forgotten Past

[In Stars and Time] spoilers from act 2 onwards; CW suicide ideation

He never could remember huh

Did you know I also wrote the script into a oneshot? :)

[bonebuckets]

forgive me father for I have COOKED (intermezzo spoilers)

[gealachros]

Welcome home, Nicholas.

[eotdemoron]

OMG! Guys, I just thought of something!

So remember how all of us were waiting for 'Full Moon?' We were all anxious, and nervous, and on our toes. Does it remind you all of how Stolas felt? Anxious, scared, knowing it might end badly...

Then you have 'Apology Tour' announcement. Viv just said, "Oh btw, here you go." Unprompted, out of the blue, not preparing us...

Sound familiar...?

LIKE HOW BLITZ FELT WHEN HE SPOKE TO STOLAS IN FULL MOON...!

Viviane, you sly dog. Lol! 😂

[half-an-hour-hence]

I don’t know why it’s taken me so long, but I’ve only just properly reflected on the fact that Robin was on his own for THOUSANDS of years before the plague ghosts, or Humphrey, or any of his other friends that have since moved on. He must’ve felt so lonely and miserable, watching all those people come and go without being able to properly connect with them before they left again. But what I love about the writing and the characterisation of this show is that they could’ve made Robin distant and mopey, convinced that everyone will leave and therefore reluctant to connect with anyone. But they didn’t. They made him full of life and excited to make friendships with others. They made him arguably the wisest and most emotionally savvy ghost out of all of them, despite him being from the dawn of time and regardless of whether he’s received education or not. And - most importantly - he doesn’t want anyone to feel left out or lonely, because he understands what that’s like. He asks the Captain about Operation William when nobody else was interested, and he talks to Humphrey about Sophie and agrees to teach him French - just to name two examples. I think it’s easy to pass him off as the primary comedy relief within the show, but in reality he is just as much of a layered character as the other ghosts. Maybe even more so.

[muwitch]

[lord-squiggletits]

What is the Tarnma penpals au? I've seen you mention it a couple times and am super curious about it!

Hiiii

So the Pen Pals AU is an idea that I got a couple of weeks ago. Kind of self-explanatory by the name, but the idea is it's a post-war scenario with a diplomatic ending b/t the Autobots and Decepticons. One of the many efforts to normalize relations is a pen pals program that's set up to pair Autobots with Decepticons under randomized pseudonyms. The goal is to try and create positive relationships based only on these letters and not any preconceived notions based on faction or identity. (Also it's pre-Earth which means it's pre-Delphi for Pharma, so his normal non-traumatized personality features.)

Pharma and Tarn naturally get paired up under this program, and the first part of the AU/fic (yes I'm going to write it eventually) is them basically having their pen pals relationship turn from friendship to heavily implied mutual romantic attachment. Their individual daily lives are also shown bc each of them is dealing with their own identity-related crisis: Tarn struggling with depression and addiction in the aftermath of all the things he did for the DJD and confusion over why Megatron just had them change so suddenly. Pharma with the realization that his whole life has just been defined by his accomplishments and he's lived his life in a way where he's oft-respected and admired, but never loved for who he is as a person rather than what he does.

The whole AU was originally meant to be fluffy and slice-of-life-esque (there was even an arranged marriage component in the very first conception of the idea), but as I fleshed out the setting more, I realized I wanted to actually delve deep into the implications of a post-war setting. So the Pen Pals AU has taken a darker turn recently; not darker as in fluffy romance to dead dove, but it's more like, the fluffy romance develops and then the past/war comes back to haunt Tarn and Pharma's relationship in a way that's very (re)traumatizing, both for them individually and their chances of being able to stay together as a couple.

So the fact that Tarn was in the DJD/oversaw Grindcore and did countless atrocities is very much an element of the story that's explored rather than shied away from. At first he deals with it on his own, and for a while he lives in blissful ignorance knowing that his pen pal is the one relationship he has with a "normal person" (he knows that his pen pal is a doctor, aka not a hardened soldier and criminal). Unfortunately things get complicated when his pen pal asks to meet IRL because he wants them to be more than friends, and Tarn realizes that he can't move forward with this new, blooming relationship without being honest about who he is. On Pharma's end, he has to grapple with the idea of choosing love over reputation, following his heart rather than his fear of social rejection/ostracization. Especially when the consequences of continuing to date Tarn could go from just "people judging him" to.... well, that's what me eventually writing the fic is meant to reveal. :)

TLDR: Tarn and Pharma meet as anonymous pen pals, end up having a lot of shared issues re: loneliness and isolated public personas, help each other solve their personal problems, share a mutual love of music, and fall in love, then realize who the other is. Complications ensue.

[ardentpoop]

is it not exhausting how often sam ends up having to tend to the needs of beings who harmed him irreparably

these guys sent him to rescue LUCIFER lmao. i dont think i need to explain how fucked up that is given their history

[rabbit-harpist]

parting deferred

For perhaps the last time, Joui talks to Liz. pre-desconjuraçao, also posted to my ao3.

////////

Shamefully, his gaze passes over her at first. She’s only another old woman sitting in the back of the library, white head bowed over a study table. But the way she frowns at the mess of papers before her is all Liz.

Joui tries his best to assess her condition as he navigates the shelves. She’s alive. And unhurt, and perhaps even sober. He can breathe more easily now that he sees her. 

Someone unexpectedly exits a row in front of him—he startles, reaches for the weight at his hip, apologizes, heart racing—arrives.

Another moment of unfamiliarity. Joui could be looking at someone else’s grandmother reading the paper.

He shakes off the moment, and the uncertainty that suddenly rises in his chest.

“Liz-senpai?”

It takes a moment for his voice to register—she’s absorbed in whatever the papers are telling her. He can see the recognition in her face, the way the hand that holds the pen stops its motion. 

She covers her notes as she turns to him. He tries to suppress the sting. 

“Joui? What do you want?”

“You didn’t respond to the group chat,” he says, his tone more accusing than he means it to be.

“I muted it. It was distracting me.”

“We were worried. Liz, I went to your apartment and the landlord said it had been sold. And you weren’t answering calls or texts and—“

“How did you find me?” she asks.

Joui is thrown off. “Ce-Kaiser tracked your phone,” he says honestly.

Liz purses her lips. “I see.”

“We were worried,” Joui explains. (I was worried) “You disappeared—what if something had happened to you?”

“Well. As you can see, I’m fine. As fine as I can be. You can tell that to the others.”

Joui looks at the pile of papers—newspapers, dated recently. “Liz-senpai, what are you working on? Can I help?”

She slips her notebook into her bag, covering the table with the other hand. “Joui—I appreciate your concern, but I’m fine. I can take care of myself.”

And she can—Joui knows Liz, and she’s strong—but how strong is she now? She’s smart—smart enough to get to the bottom of this, whatever it is, and put herself right back in danger.

He misses hearing her theorize, brow furrowed and eyes alight. He misses her laugh and her smile. He misses Liz herself—she’s right in front of him again, but she feels a thousand miles away. 

“Don’t disappear again,” he pleads. “We need you.” (I need you, he wants to say, but he’s terrified that it won’t be enough to keep her with him.) “The Order needs you.”

That makes Liz laugh—a bitter echo of his memories. “The Order doesn’t know what it’s doing.” She straightens the papers on the table. “Symptoms,” she says. “They’re treating symptoms, and the heart is rotten. We throw ourselves into a brick wall over and over until every one of us is dead and broken.”

Joui doesn’t know what to say. It’s a mirror of the thoughts that haunt him at night, laid over the memories that never fade. He doesn’t have words of hope—he has to be the strong one now, but he doesn’t know what to do.

Liz turns over the newspapers, arranging and rearranging them feverishly. Joui watches and he doesn’t know what to say and he doesn’t know what to do. 

He puts a hand on her shoulder, finally, clawing past the uncertainty that freezes him in place.

“Liz-senpai. Look at me, please.”

She meets his gaze, and whatever he’d tentatively planned to say next escapes his mind. Her eyes are older than the wrinkles on her face. The eyes of the monster of death flash into his mind—a thought he despises as soon as he has it.

“Liz-senpai?” he repeats.

“Get out, Joui,” she says, and she just looks tired now.

He isn’t hurt that she’s still putting herself in danger—he understands the itch to do something, anything. He’s hurt that she doesn’t want him beside her. Joui isn’t sure of many things these days, but he knows bone deep that they need to protect each other. If he loses Liz—and Arthur and Kaiser—every part of him that matters will have died.

“If you think I’d leave you, you don’t know me,” he snaps. 

Something flashes over Liz’s face. “I suppose I can’t make you do anything—it’s not like I’m your mother.”

Joui wishes she had hit him instead. He tries to say something else and can’t manage it.

He thinks she wants to say something else too. She pauses as she walks away, looks back—but she leaves anyway.

[pokimoko]

Listening to instrumentals from the silly doo-wee-ooo show is actually something that can be so painful.

[neolxzr]

if i made alienstage art would you guys want to see it

[mean-allodyke]

here are my pride nails hehe 🫶🏻