#but i’m not mad at them anymore and i’ve forgiven them even though they don’t know what they did anyway

[anachronistic-falsehood]

BREAKDOWN IN THE COOKIE AISLE AT WORK

[ludwigplayingthetrombone]

OFMD Fix-it Part 2

Ayyy here’s part 2! Thank you so much for the incredible response to part 1! I read the tags and comments often y’all are too nice ;v; Enjoy all 69 pages! tw for blood and injury

Part one

kofi

Wee john: Fuck yeah! Roach: We took over Blackbeard’s ship!! Frenchie: Oh no! You dastardly pirates are too scary for me! I surrender!!

Stede: All good everyone! Crew: IS IT?? Stede: [gasp] Did you guys take back the ship?? Ed: You’re shitting me Stede: Excellent job, everyone!

Ed: Hey! Stede: Oh, sorry! I look forward to hearing about it! Ed: Please don’t crack your face again Buttons: Were yee crying? Both: WHAT?! No! Ed: I physically cant cry Stede: Why so you keep asking that? Crew: Captain! Stede: WAIT I’m not discouraging this energy, but please be careful of-

Ivan: What do you want us to do with Izzy, captain? Frenchie: OH FUCK THE KNIFE! Swede: PULL IT OUT! Roach and jim: NO!! [schluck] Pete: FUCK PUT IT BACK IN!! Roach and jim: NO!! Ed: Why disturb him? Sleeping so peacefully. I’ll deal with him later [schluck]

Pete: Where’s lucius? Stede: Yes, we’re missing lucius. Ed! Is the boy below deck? Pete: Did something happen? Frenchie: Oh yeah almost forgot! [knocking on the deck] Stede: What’s this, frenchie? Ed: Lucius is dea-

Lucius: OH THANK GOD! I was going mad in that wa-

Pete: Where have you been? Stede: Lucius! Good to see you, my boy! wee john: Cap’n... Lucius: I was hiding in a secret wall I’d found. Frenchie thought I was a ghost for about a week. Luckily the ship was a barnacled mess Frenchie: Still not convinced if I’m bein’ honest. Couldnt believe you’d survived, Stede: Survived? Pete: Why would you be a ghost, babe? Lucius: Because Blackbeard threw me overboard

Ed: A momentary laspe of judgement  Olu: Oh shit

Stede: [knocks] Ed? [door unlocks]

Ed: Ship’s yours again. I can be gone- Stede: you’re leaving? Ed: I nearly killed lucius. Aren’t you upset? Stede: Absolutely livid, but you didnt succeed, thankfully! The atmosphere is tense, things are a little unclear, but they’re open to speaking. I’ve forgiven them for planning to kill me! Blows over quite fast, I’m sure- Ed: I’m a terrible person, stede. You don’t even-

Ed: Crew needed me. Wanted to help me. And I chose Blackbeard. All ‘cuz Izzy opened his FUCKING mouth ‘n backed me into a corner! Lucius would see right through it. I didn’t know what else to d- [flinch] Stede: It’s ok

Stede: Blackbeard is how you’ve been surviving. I understand that now. The only reason you were put in that position was because of my poor decisions. I promise I’ll be here no matter what to help us all get through this. Ed: Pull up the chair, I want my knife back Stede: Oh good finally...

Ed: So a big cat, a carriage accident, and a dropped piano? All at once? Fuckin’ hell, mate, you let ‘em have it. Though, I’d go as far to say the cat was too much. Stede: Whaaat? How could you say that about Ned? He did great. Ed: Just BITTER I wasnt there to see it

Stede: I’m sorry you had to do this again. I know you’re still angry...Ed: Wasn’t about being angry... not at first at least. Just felt.... sad. Really fucking sad, Stede. Didn’t know what to do without you here. None of us did. Felt... Like I just wanted to lay down and die Stede: I...I didnt think my absence would be felt this deeply

Ed: Oh shut- You’re not serious Stede: No, I’m serious. Mary and the kids were much happier when we were planning my departure fuckery. I genuinely can’t think of a time where someone missed my presence

Ed: Well fuck everyone else. Was the crew pissed when you said why you left? Stede: Very much so Ed: Then they missed you, cheers [mumble] I sure as fuck missed you Stede: You did? Sorry, Impulse. Ed: Lean up a bit Stede: I hop I can earn your trust back one day

Ed: Well, knowing about that Chauncey fuck makes me less pissed at you. Least you didn’t ditch me ‘cuz you didn’t want me around anymore. Stede: Oh no, I’ve liked you since the day we met. Ed: You did look hot bleedin’ out on the deck of that spanish ship. Stede: I’m choosing not to unpack that at this moment. Ed: All done up you go! [loud closed-mouthed scream] [ed repressing laughter] You good? Guts still in? Stede: [strained]I think so Ed: Lean on me til it passes

Thanks, did you sew me up the first time? Ed: Nah, that was fang Stede: That fang, beautiful work Ed: Go lay down. I gotta clean up your blood Stede: Again, sorry

Ed: If you apologize one more time for being stabbed, I’ll stab you again Stede: But it led to so much character development last ti- I’ll leave you to it then

Stede: Ah, is this my-? What’s it doing under th-

Stede: Forget I- Ed: No, that’s- I mean, it is yours... It doesnt even smell like y- JUST PUT IT ON

S: May I ask you-? E: shoot S: Why did you let me board the ship? E: I was tired of izzy nagging to blast you with the cannons. Kept talkin’ in my ear about you ‘n it just made me angrier and angrier. Got me so amped up to just fucking kill you the moment I saw you again. Thought I'd just be furious, but I felt... giddy?  /hated/ that my chest was pounding, that just made me angrier

E: Then you show up with your tits out looking handsome as shit. S: hmmm [olu: One last thing, captain Stede: What is it, olu- RIP] E: I thought of it too. Leaving. Thought I’d get ahead before I disappointed you. Wasn’t itching for adventure, I knew I was in too deep with you S: I always thought I was disappointing /you/. I’m not the most exciting person E: Me?

E: Stede, you’re the boldest bugger i’ve ever met. Ever since i’ve known about you, you’ve made the most batshit ballsy moves. You took those English hostage, you swindled iz to get them back. you told blackbeard to go suck eggs in hell You stood up to the weird twins, to the English navy, to those richies at that party, to izzy, to jack, to ME. You’re the coolest, kindest person I know, Stede. I’m nuts about you. S: … guess I've never seen myself from that perspective E: If anyone else told me that story, i’d have them tied to the anchor for such a bullshit lie, but it’s you, so i believe it. Its as ridiculous as you are.

E: do you think I’ve ever gotten this upset over some quick drunk fuck parting ways? Only you.

S: Why only me, though?

E: You’re the only person that makes me feel… safe? Like I don’t have to be blackbeard 24/7. Most of my old mates were just dickheads who showed up when they wanted something the buggered off

Dont’ gotta worry about you stabbin’ me in my sleep cause i pissed you off.  You don’t laugh when I talk about a fine fabric or a pretty looking teacup. I’ve told you things I thought I’d take to my grave because anyone else would throw it back in my face... But not you. I like your fire hazard, secret passage ship, your crew, when you talk about clothes ‘n book ‘n flowers. You don’t act like anyone else but you... And I envy that

Ed: Because it’s you

Stede: No one’s ever thought that about me... I’m sorry. Hah, I feel a bit dizzy. Ed: Hey, hey, what’s wrong? Lay down if you need [stede crying] Stede?

Stede: You’re the first person who doesnt think I’m a burden. My father, Mary, peers- My whole life- That I was selfish for being born [crying] Ed: Again, Stede, Feck ‘em

Stede: Meeting you was the best day of my life. I was so relieved when you- on the beach- Yuo looked so happy, and I destroyed that Ed: shhh

ed: It’ll be ok

Ed: Look at me. You came back

Ed: And that made Ed happ- IZ: EDWARD, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?! [IZZY YELLING]

Ed:[calm] I’m sorry, Will you excuse me for one moment? Stede: Feel free! Ed: Thank-you [Izzy still yelling] [door slam] rapid steps]

[clattering above] [Izzy screaming] [crew cheering] foot falls approaching]

Ed: Now, where were we? Stede: ....Actually I do wanna know Ed: Let’s say, Bit too tied up to bother us again

[stede huffs a laugh] Ed: You look exhausted, you should rest. Pincushion gets the mattress Stede: oh no, I couldn’t. where are you sleeping? Ed: Perfectly comfortable desk right here. [pained moan] Stede: Right... Ed: Night, Stede

ed: I’ll steal a couch soon. ‘M too old to sleep on desks now Stede: I have no qualms [ed sighs]

Ed: Hey, stede Stede: Mm Ed: Can we.... Can we just forget about the beach and start over?

Stede: I don’t think I can this time, Ed. Ed: Slightly concerned you can forget me almost killing you but not a kiss Stede: I’ve decided to be done with running away from my problems and pretending they never happened. But beyond that, My whole world shifted with that kiss. I can’t ever forget that. The memory alone kept me rowing to get to you again

Stede: We’ve hurt eachother, but I’m more than willing to put in the work to mend it... Which is something I never did with mary. Ed: I wont stab you in the earhole by the way. Got mine out of he way. Stede: Only fair! We’re even now. Ed: But mine was funny [swat] [giggle]

Ed: Last thing, then you can sleep off the stab wound Stede: Oh good... Ed: If Blackbeard was gone for good, would you stay? Lotta folks want the novelty y’ know. ‘S been gnashing at the back of my skull. Stede: I met Ed first not Blackbeard

Stede: ‘M staying forever now. Best friends at first sight. From my point of view at least

Ed:...Olivia... How ya doin’, Iz? Iz: Are you fucking joking? Just tell me what’s going on

Ed: Stede won. Crew took the ship back. I’m staying.  Oh and lucius is alive, as you saw. Kid said the ship was so mucked up, he was able to hang on to sneak onto the ship. Thought you handled that way back when? Iz: that fookin- Ed: So i’m giving you a choice.

Iz: Just cut my foot off at this point anything but this. Ed: why can’t you ever just relax, izzy? It doesnt have to go this way, yet you stomp your feet Every. Single. Time. How many years have we known eachother; do you even like my company? Iz: How could you even say that to me? I’ve given my life to you time and time again. And You’re going to let some tart waltz back in and uproot everything we built.  Ed: Built what? We’re fucking pirates, mate!

Powertrip’s over. This is it. It was a good ride. Fang: Lucius! You’re missing this shit!! Ed: You may love waiting to end up like... another leather clad, middle aged sad sack dying alone in a puddle of his own piss, but you’re not dragging me there with you. So make a choice Iz: You’d really let me walk? Ed: Truthfully, i’d prefer you play nice and enjoy yourself for once. but I’ll give you three options.

Ed: Old way is gone. Either one, accept that and keep it pushin’. Two, I would just let you fuck off, but you’ve proven to be a liability out of my sight, so i’ll have fang cut your talk box, so you never speak stede’s name ever again THEN you can fuck off. And three, more of a clause to one,

Ed: If you go rogue, I’ll make you beg for hell. Threaten anyone on this ship again, You’ll never feel the warmth of the sun ever again

Ed: I’ll let you down if you behave

Iz: [despair sigh] just leave me up here a while longer. ‘S quiet for once. Ed: well alright, take some time to process. let fang know when you gotta piss Lucius: Bad morning? Iz: Yeah, keep staring, twat Lucius: That sounded threatening, right fang? Fang: He’s not above pissin’ on you, kid

Ed: [muffled] breakfast? [smack] Didn’t remember blackbeard snuck into your bed? Stede: No, I remember. Had to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating again. Also, once again, you’ve processed this very quickly

Ed: Were yee seein’ phantoms? Stede: No more guilt phantoms thank goodness. Was getting sick of those buggers. Ed: Love a good phantom. You seem less tightly wound. Glad you’re phantom free

Stede: Took awhile to realize, but This is where I belong. Ed: No fucking shit

Ed: Speaking of, Y’ know, I’ve thought on it, and I’ve decided I’m tired of being angry and sad and lonely. Fucking sick of it. Already stabbed you, no sense in wasting time acting mad when I know what I want S: And what is that? E: Wanna be liked and kissed and happy.

Stede: Perfectly reasonable things to- Ed: I also want to be co-captains with the gentleman pirate. [choke] I’m lying in your bed with you, stede. Who do you think’ll be kissing me? The swede? Stede: I didn’t want to PRESUME. Is this a new job role for co-captains? Ed: Is now! ‘S why I promoted you. But you’re still on thin fucking ice. Stede: Poor jim. Promoted in less than a day. Ed: Don’t actually tell jim. They’re super pissed at me Stede: oH Ed: Now, onto couch theft, I’m thinkin’-

Stede: You’ve got some- Ed: I get it? Stede: Not quite, just- Oh- fuck it

Ed: Dastardly man. Diabolical. Definitely not gentlemenly

Ed: Fuckin’ missed you!

End

[gunilslaugh]

The Old Us Is Gone

An alternate ending to There’s No Us Anymore

Seungmin deserved his own ending, what can I say?

Oh Seungmin

Summary: It’s been a year since you left, but Seungmin still contacts you everyday despite you not answering.

WC:~2.5k 

Warning:grammar

photo not mine credits to owner.

All the members tried to contact you after you left on that sorrowful day. They asked you to come back, that they missed you, they hoped that you were doing ok. Over time their reaching out to you slowed down, except Seungmin, he still contacted you everyday. Whether it was a text or a phone call that turned into leaving a voicemail. One of his messages told you that you don’t even have to reply. He just wants you to know that he’s here for you. Ironically, that’s the message that made you feel bad for not replying. 

It's been a year and you still haven’t contacted any of the Xdinary Heroes members. You’ve come close to contacting Seungmin on multiple occasions, but always ended up chickening out. You miss him, you miss all of them, yes even Jooyeon. He used to be your best friend after all. You’ve basically spent this past year mourning your old friendship with him. Learning how to let that friendship go was one of the hardest things you ever done. However, after you finally let it go was when you were finally able to heal. You’re not mad at Jooyeon anymore. You’ll never be able to forget what he did, but you no longer resent him for it. The old you and Jooyeon are gone and you’ve made your peace with it. 

It was a very suffocating year, but now you’ve sorted through and lifted all those emotions that weighed heavy on your heart. At long last you were finally in a good place. So good of a place that when your phone rang with Seungmin’s contact lighting up your screen you answered it.

“Hello,” you said into the phone. You were met with a loud crashing sound. “Seungmin, are you ok? What was that?” You asked concerned. 

Seungmin had fallen out of his chair, that’s what it was. He contacted you everyday, but as the year passed by his hope of you responding dwindled. He was starting to think that he would never hear from you again, so the sound of your voice, you actually answering his call, overwhelmed him with shock. In a good way. 

“Oh- uh yeah I’m ok, no worries. Just knocked something over,” he tells you. Hearing his voice after so long made you feel warm inside. You really did miss talking to him. 

“That’s good. I was worried, it sounded loud,” you say. 

“Everythings good,” he tells you. “How are you?” He follows up. 

“I’m doing good, much better than the last time you saw me,” you awkwardly laughed.

“I’m really glad to hear that,” Seungmin said sincerely. 

“How are you doing?” You asked him. 

“I feel a lot better hearing your voice again. I really missed you y/n,” Seungmin honestly speaks. 

“I missed you too Seungmin…and I miss the others,” you stated, your voice was quieter during the second half.

“They miss you too. Jooyeon,” he said Jooyeon’s name hesitantly, like he was testing the  waters. 

“Jooyeon what?” Your answer let him know that it was ok to talk about him.

“Jooyeon really misses you. He still beats himself up for what happened,” Seungmin discloses. 

“I’m not mad at him anymore. I’ve forgiven him,” you let Seungmin know. “You could tell him that if you want,” you added. 

“I think that’s something he should hear from you personally,” he says. You know he’s not wrong, but the thought of talking to Jooyeon again still makes you feel nervous. 

“It’s been so long though,” you uneasily spoke. You have forgiven Jooyeon, but you’re unsure if you want to be friends with him again. There hasn’t been a you and Jooyeon for over a year, that’s probably closer to two years by now actually. 

“You’re talking to me after it’s “been so long”,” Seungmin pointed out. 

“Talking to you is different, you’re….Seungmin,”. The one who contacted me everyday after I left. The one who I felt like was slightly more on my side after Jooyeon and I’s friendship ended. The one chased after me that day when everyone else went to comfort Jooyeon.

“I’m just gonna take that as a compliment,” Seungmin chucked. That’s another thing about Seungmin: he never pried you too hard. He respected it when you didn’t want to talk about something.

“It is,” you told him. 

“Y/n we have group practice starting soon. I gotta go,” he sounded slightly sad. 

“Ok, have a good practice,” you wished him.

“I will. I’ll text you after,” it sounded more like a question.

“I’ll respond,” you reassured him. It felt great to talk to Seungmin again. You didn’t want to ignore him anymore or ever again for that matter.

“One more thing, tell Jooyeon. Take your time. Don’t push yourself if you’re not ready, but I really think that you should tell him,” Seungmin said earnestly. 

“I’ll think about it,” you answered. In your heart you know that you should, but it still feels difficult.

“Thank you, I’ll talk to you later. Bye,”. You’re not quite sure what he’s thanking you for. For answering his call? For talking to him? For saying you’ll think about talking to Jooyeon again? All of it?

“Bye,” you said, hanging up the phone. 

Nighttime came and you were trying to sleep, alas the question of talking to Jooyeon. Telling him that you forgive him was keeping you awake. “He still beats himself up about what happened,” Seungmin’s words repeat themselves in your head. You don’t want him to keep beating himself up. 

Your hands picked up your phone from where it laid on your nightstand. You opened your messages with Jooyeon, something you haven’t done in what feels like forever. “I’ve already forgiven you Jooyeon. I’m not mad or hurt anymore. I’m doing quite well actually, so please don’t beat yourself up about it anymore. Be happy Jooyeon. I want you to be happy.” you typed out and hit send before you could overthink it. Setting your phone back on the nightstand you were finally able to go to sleep with peace of mind. 

Jooyeon received your text just as he got into bed. He grabbed his phone to check who texted him. When he saw your name across his screen he couldn’t believe it. He thought that he might be hallucinating, but as he opened the message he realized that it was real. Tears instantly welled up in his eyes. You were doing well. You weren’t hurting anymore. You wanted him to be happy. You had forgiven him too on top of it. Jooyeon would have understood if you had never forgiven him because he hadn’t forgiven himself for it. Jungsu, Jooyeon’s current roommate, entered the room to see him crying.

“Jooyeon what’s wrong,” Jungsu came over to him. Jooyeon showed him your message. He was surprised to see your name as well.

“Isn’t this a good thing Jooyeon? Why are you crying?” Jungsu questions.

“Because I really miss them,” Jooyeon sniffled. Hearing Jooyeon’s cries, the other members came to check on him. They gave Jungsu questioning looks. 

“Y/n texted him,” Jungsu informs them. They looked at each other surprised, minus Seungmin. He approaches Jooyeon, putting a hand on his shoulder. 

“Y/n forgave you, so don’t you think it’s time to forgive yourself?” Seungmin suggested.

“How did?” Jooyeon began to ask him.

“I talked to them today,” Seungmin explained. “They said they missed you guys too,” Seungmin informed the others. 

“Does this mean we can see them again?” Jiseok asked hopefully. 

“They still might need some time before then, but I’m sure if you text or call them they’ll respond now,” Seuingmin tells. The boys began to file out of the room.

“Seungmin can you stay for a minute?” Jooyeon asks.

“I’ll leave you two alone,” Jungsu excuses himself, exiting the room and shutting the door behind him.

“What is it?” Seungmin questions, sitting down on the bed next to Jooyeon.

“Did you tell Y/n to text me?” he inquiries. 

“They told me that they weren’t mad at you anymore, that they had forgiven you. They told me that I could tell that to you, but I told them they should be the one to tell you,” Seungmin explained. Jooyeon nodded. “They’ve healed, they're better now. It’s time for you to too,”

“I was happiest with them though. I want my best friend back, but they don’t want me back do they?” Jooyeon’s eyes gloss over again. 

“Try talking  to them. Start a clean slate with them. I can’t promise you anything, but maybe you can be friends again,” Seungmin advised Jooyeon.

“Will you confess to them now they’re talking to you again?” Jooyeon asked. Seungmin didn’t expect Jooyeon to bring that up. 

Seungmin always liked you silently. Although if you paid close attention to his actions you might have been able to figure it out. Alas you were distracted by your own feelings that you had for Jooyeon back then. Then you were busy being heartbroken, failing to notice Seungmin’s caring actions that were fueled by his love.

“I don’t know. I don't think it's likely that they like me back,” Seungmin admits. 

“I wouldn’t say that,” Jooyeon says. “They contacted you first. That’s something at the very least,” Jooyeon points. 

“Doesn’t mean that they like me though,” Seungmin replied.

“You’d be good for them. You’re the type of man they deserve. I know you wouldn’t hurt them..like I did,” Jooyeon continues. He looked down at his hands. Jooyeon doesn’t think that he’ll ever forgive himself for hurting you. Seungmin sighed. 

“Jooyeon you made a mistake, but you learned from it. You’ve grown, changed. Don’t let it keep haunting you. Y/n said it themselves they want you to be happy,” he comforts him. Jooyeon only nods. 

“That’s gonna take some time,” Jooyeon said.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It did take time. Jooyeon did actually reach out to you. It was a text that he wrote, deleted and rewrote over and over again. “Hey, I know that our old friendship is gone, but I really miss being friends with you. We’ll never get back to the old us. I want to try to build a new friendship together if you want to try too. I miss you.” Jooyeon hit send then threw his phone away from him. His heart was racing. He began to have doubts. What if him texting you somehow hurt you again? What if you didn’t want him to contact you? However his phone went off signaling that it got a text. Jooyeon hesitantly went towards his phone checking the notification, it was a text from you.

“Let’s talk, I miss you too,” your text read. Ok that’s not bad. Jooyeon thought. You and Jooyeon set up a time to meet.

You and Jooyeon met up at one of your old hangout spots. The roof of an abandoned shop.

“I haven’t been here in ages,” you said, climbing up the ladder to the roof. 

“Me either,” Jooyeon told, climbing up after you. The both of you got to the top and sat down near the ledge, just like you used to. 

“I’m still really sorry,” Jooyeon apologizes. 

“Jooyeon stop, I told you I forgive you. You don’t have to apologize anymore. Don’t dwell on it,” you expressed. 

“So you think that we can be friends again?” Jooyeon asked. In the year you were gone Jooyeon realized just how much he needed you in his life. He doesn’t want to keep living without you. 

“It won’t be like it used to, but yeah I think we can build a new friendship,” you say. Jooyeon felt a massive weight lift from his shoulder after hearing your words. He could finally breathe again. 

“You contacted Seungmin first,” Jooyeon playfully nudges you. 

“Cause he contacted me everyday. Despite the fact that I never answered, he kept contacting me. Saying that he hoped that I was ok and doing well. That I didn’t even have to respond. He just wanted me to know that he was there for me. He always has been there for me,” you answered. 

“He’s a good man. A man that you deserve,” Jooyeon tells you. 

“Are you trying to hint at something?” your eyes narrowed at him. 

“Talk to Seungmin,” Jooyeon pats your shoulder.

“Seungmin tells me to talk to you and you tell me to talk to Seungmin. What’s up with you two?” You shook your head. Jooyeon laughs. It’s nice, there’s finally no tension between you two. You both stayed on the roof until the sun set, creating the foundation of your new friendship. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Jooyeon told me to talk to you y’know?” You brought up as you and Seungmin sat on the floor of your room doing a puzzle together, just like old times. 

“About what?” Seungmin asked, brows knitted together. 

“He told me that you were a good man. A man that I deserved. Felt like he was indirectly telling me something,” you explained. Seungmin looked at you, a puzzle piece falling from his hand. He muttered something under his breath, most likely cursing Jooyeon.

“I’ve liked you for a long time y/n,” Seungmin decided to just come clean. “I fell for you shortly after you started hanging out with us. I could tell that you liked Jooyeon then, so I never said anything. It was enough just seeing that you were happy. Honestly I had a hard time not beating Jooyeon up after he did what he did. I wanted to hurt him for hurting you, but I could see how much he was already beating himself up for it. I still scolded him for it and ended up letting it slip that I liked you while doing so,” Seungmin explained. 

“That’s why you’ve always been by my side,” you smiled. 

“Yes, because I love you. I always want to be here for you,” Seungmin declares. “It’s ok if you don’t like me back though, but if it’s ok I-” Seungmin started to say, but you cut him off.

“I like you too Seungmin,” you confessed, grabbing one of his hands.

“You do?” He was shocked.

“Yes, I realized it that day I answered your phone call. When I was unsure about talking to Jooyeon because it had been so long. You pointed out that it had been a long time since I talked to you too. I just told you it was different because you were Seungmin, but really I was thinking about how you were the one who contacted me everyday after I left. The one who I felt like was slightly more on my side after Jooyeon and I’s friendship ended. The one chased after me that day. I thought about everything you did for me. I realized that I feel for all those actions unknowingly,” you revealed. Seungmin held your hand tighter in his. 

“We can be together then?” Seungmin looks in your eyes and swears he sees twinkles in them. The corner up your lips turn up into a smile.

“I’d like that,” you responded. Seungmin pulled you into a hug. Both of you slotting together like puzzle pieces: a perfect fit. 

[evermetnotforgotten]

Content warnings: referenced/implied noncon, noncon kiss, nudity, infected wound, religious cult talk, death thoughts.

Christopher belongs to @whumpiary

“He’d brainwashed them all to adore him. Sick son of a bitch, really. Had a whole mantra—be silent, behave. Imagine being that much of a pervert.”

The sheer audacity of this entire conversation is a blow to the side of the head. Lev stretches his neck, slides his bare foot along the line of grout. Feels it rough up against his big toe. Decides to chase the cheap thrill. “Sounds like it may as well have been a movie about yourself.”

Though usually so quick, so eloquent, in moments like this Martin stalls. The reality laid down in front of him is so incongruent with his own that it passes right through, frictionless. He laughs, waves a hand—a quip, how funny. How clever, baby.

“Wasn’t a joke.” Lev slides his foot back. Rests it parallel to the side of the bathtub on which he’s seated. If he keeps his gaze soft, somewhere between his own body and Martin’s, the little voice in his head going make him mad enough to kill you is the low-level hum it always is—if he focuses for too long it’s more or less cacophony.

Flirting by way of a pin held near to the man’s bubble-thin self-image is one of the few moments he feels even remotely close to alive, anymore. At the very least, the ghost of someone who used to be.

“Do you have something you want to say?” 

It’s a ‘careful, love’ if ever there was one, deimatic. The stick that tongue back in or lose it, but for people who think they’re scary as shit. Which means it’s Lev’s turn to laugh—and he does, a little coldly, but who on this earth would dare blame him? He shrugs. “Nah.”

Martin sucks his teeth, wiping a few water droplets from where they’re clinging to the faucet with his fingers, flicking them into the sink. “Hey, I don’t go around calling myself ‘The Son of God’,” he says, flashing teeth in a boyish grin. “And what was it you said… I’m not a God… just a sadist? Like to think I took that advice to heart.”

It feels so, so long ago. Lev has been exhumed on so many separate occasions since then.

Martin leans in to steal a kiss, blip in his boy’s attitude seemingly forgiven. Lev sits and takes it, any fear he’d felt at being bare and vulnerable in front of his captor long since severed, as useless to him as an infected limb.

“Besides, I’ve only got one person—that guy had hundreds of good little followers in that compound. Ooh, you know who does give me a few of those vibes though?”

Delayed shock curls in him at the mans initial statement. “What?”

“That fellow with the estate. Remember him? Always got kind of cultish vibes from that lot… maybe he makes them pray on their knees before he bends them over his.” Martin tilts his head, looking somewhere towards the ceiling. “Not theistic, but… damn if that isn’t a little hot though. I’d let that man spank the sin right out of me. Whoof.”

Lev remembers the man he’s referring to. Smooth voice, soft smile, white whiskers. Feeding him red wine while collared to the arm of the chair. How long had he spent in that room, moans and screams ripped alternately from his throat until he couldn’t tell one from the other?

“Nh—” he starts before it’s smothered by another kiss. Martin’s tongue presses into his mouth, insistent, and the familiar weight of his captor’s desire is steadily filling the en suite. Rolling smoke. Lev feels the spike in arousal of his own body responding without his say so, like the flick of a switch, of a wrist.

Be silent. Behave.

But the worry is too loud, too gnawing to ignore. Lev manages to push against Martin’s chest, to gain distance—he tears himself away, searching. “No—what do you mean ‘one’?”

“Huh?”

“Said you’ve only got one. One person.”

“You. Who else?”

Martin’s tone is affectionate, but Lev knows by now when he’s being baited. The feeling of being played with but only underneath so many layers of compounding subtext irritates him, and he frowns—he’s already doing everything the man wants. Every single little thing. The least Martin could do is not force him to play pretend in private.

He wets his lips, but his tongue is too dry to make a difference. “You know what I mean.”

There’s something hanging in the air while Martin sighs. Curdling goodwill. He shakes his head, warm hands still resting on Lev’s bare, cooling legs. “God forbid I go a single day without being reminded. A single fucking day, all I ask…”

“Your word,” Lev implores. Doesn’t offer his hand or reach for Martin’s, doesn’t need to—they both know where the scars were placed. Though he checks his every single morning, just in case, just to make sure it’s still there. “I’m just…”

“Yeah yeah yeah.”

“Three of us. Niels…” the other name he dares not say, barely dares to think.

“I know, Lev. Fuck me.” Martin half-rolls his eyes with an exasperated laugh. Like he’s being nagged for the umpteenth time to remember to take out the garbage. To put the dishes away.

Lev wonders if it genuinely hurts Martin, psychologically, to be reminded of the only reason his boy ever goes along with any of his shit. Seems like it might, the way his brow furrows, the ever so slightly tighter smiles, the deepening of the dimple in his left cheek. Same way he gets when talking about a deal devolving into something needlessly political, annoyance a flavour in every word.

Some days, Lev doesn’t know why he can’t just make himself give in. It’d be easier, in many ways, not to have that tension, not to claw to hold on to the remaining glimmers of himself. Not to walk this razor thin line of the man’s sick joys and his cloying self-importance. Not to have to placate, because he’d never say or do anything remotely close to out of line.

Like the people in that film. Be silent. Behave. Even if they were dying just like him, he bets. A different version of the same hell.

He just can’t let the man forget to let the others go. Needs to guard that premise doggedly.

Shaking his head again, Martin relents. Some of the tension dissipates. “No, that one was on me. That’s a sore area for you, I know, and I tread there anyway. Let’s rewind. Alright? Here, turn—should be good now.”

Now that his skin has air dried, Martin swipes Lev’s back meticulously with whatever it is, the topical antibiotic, carefully tracing the scarring sites. Lev had almost forgotten his pounding headache, his shivers and sweats in the excitement of the last few minutes. Still hasn’t come to terms with his body being altered without his consent—without an ounce of his fucking consent, even the pretend kind—yet again.

It’s too much for one man. Maybe in a cast of thousands the attention is split a few more ways.

At least it’s hard for Lev to do any wrong, in Martin’s eyes—though he knows more remorse will be drawn from him somehow. Likely tonight, at the end of a knife. Better to start the process now.

Lev reaches behind his back, and gets a hand in his own without much delay. It’s not rough enough, not large or warm enough to be comforting, but he’s an expert. He holds his partner’s hand, and fools himself once again into thinking things are going to be easier, one day soon.

[ajw-poetry]

An Open Letter:

Dearest,

You have no idea how many times I’ve attempted to write this.. how many notebooks filled, erasers scrubbed to the bottom, pencils dulled, pens dry, and notes deleted; for you. I have always felt the words I’ve learned in my lifetime are simply not worthy of you, nothing in this world ever was.

I spoke of you again tonight, to someone who’s heard about you so much they consider you a friend of their own. I spoke your name again, and it nearly killed me, only because it still rolls off my tongue like honey. At first, at least. Soon it gets replaced with that all too familiar metallic taste. She pretended not to notice as the tears rolled down my face. She tried to change the subject but it was too late, I’d already begun my tirade. Because god, I could go on for hours, about how I’m so…

I’m so mad at you. Every day I wake up thinking, “Okay, today’s the day. I’m finally gonna be okay,” and I truly believe it every single time. Until the air is sucked out of my lungs at the smallest reminder of you. Someone at work wears your cologne, and every time they walk by my breath hitches in my throat - knowing if anyone owned a scent, it would be you. Every time someone lights a cigarette, I swear to God I can see outline of your face in the orange flame. When your song plays I feel the knife in my chest twist, knowing its you reminding me you still exist - somewhere out there.

You always called me Alaska. Larger than life, vastly misunderstood and unexplored. Beautiful but dangerous, never in a bad way. I still have your book, collecting dust on my shelf. I reread it from time to time but every highlighted line feels like a red flag I should’ve caught. I use it more as punishment than a reminder anymore. Proof I should have been more prepared and able to be there.

I never should have left. Although I wonder if things would even have been different. I always tried so hard but the moment I hesitated, you went ahead. I will never forgive myself for that. It will live with me, haunting me, for the rest of my life. Knowing I could have done more, been better, been what you needed and I just… wasn’t. I’m so sorry. Knowing you, you’ve already forgiven me - no scratch that, you were never angry with me in the first place. It just wasn’t in your nature. You never got mad at me, you were always so patient. Knowing I was hurting, you… you just understood it was pain that courses through me.

I’m stuck in that place I used to be again. I don’t really know how to get out this time. I’m doing what you told me but it’s not working anymore. I just feel so lost with… no one to turn to. And though it’s been years I still miss the familiarity you carried with you. I feel so guilty even thinking about you anymore, but I can’t help it.

This feeling will live in me forever. And, sure, one day maybe I’ll get used to it. Used to knowing it was my fault, knowing I let this happen. Knowing you needed me and I wasn’t there. I’ll learn to live with the guilt of losing the best person God put on this vast Earth. I’ll learn to tell people you were a lesson that taught me to love hard and grieve harder. I’ll meet someone someday who won’t know you ever existed, and I’ll never tell them. One day, you’ll be a secret I keep in my safe - locked away for no one to tamper with. One day, I will be okay.

But today, is not that day. And tonight I will fall asleep with your book on my chest, your movie playing on my tv, and your memory etched into my brain. And my eyes will fill with tears until I can convince myself to close them, and see you again.

With deepest love and regret,

Your Alaska.

[a-student-out-of-time]

Speak your heart out gamer girl

So, what’s on your mind?

...

...I’m sorry.

For what?

There’s...I...I have a lot on my mind. I-It’s all coming to me at once, and I dunno where to start.

Well, maybe start with what you think is most relevant?

Okay...you knew what my parents were like back then, obviously.

I did, yes. I was engaged to your father, after all.

We discussed that before, didn’t we?

I know, it’s just...I didn’t really know all that much about my parents. Before all this. I didn’t know my mom was a detective, I didn’t know my dad once worked for the U.S. military, I didn’t know grandma worked for the Ministry of Education...

I don’t think I know much about anybody, honestly...

Oh? What makes you say that?

...I’m not good with people, Hanami-san.

I mean...when I came to Hope’s Peak, I didn’t really think I’d make any friends. I always get so focused on gaming. It’s the only thing I’ve really felt like I was good at for the longest time...

And...this might sound like I’m bragging, but I’m really not: I don’t get why people like me so much.

Do they need a reason?

You’re already doing so much to help your friend and her family, after all.

…But I’ve been really nasty to a lot of people too. Including my parents...and someone I really love.

I dunno how to be, Hanami-san. I never wanted to hurt anyone, I just...get really angry sometimes.

And people have forgiven me for that, sure, but...it doesn’t feel like it’s enough.

You know, my friends made me class rep. And I’m not even really cut out for it, I don’t think.

I-It’s not like I wanted to hurt anybody, I’m just...I don’t know how to talk to people. I didn’t like how a lot of them treated each other, like how Hiyoko-chan used to treat Mikan-chan, or how much Hajime used to beat himself up...but I don’t know how to help.

I...I do care though! I swear, I care, I just-!

*Hanami places a hand on her shoulder*

It’s alright. I believe you.

Is that what you need help with?

I just...really wanna be better. A lot of people really seem to trust me, and I wanna help them with whatever issues they’re dealing with. But a lot of the time, I don’t know how. And sometimes I feel like everyone’s secretly still mad at me for all the horrible things I’ve said and done...

A...A few months ago, someone I was really close to died…and one of the last things she told me was that self-pity just hurts more people. I’m trying hard not to do it anymore, but...thinking about all this makes my head hurt.

A-Am I making sense? Or am I just rambling?

No, no, I understand. And you want to know something, Chiaki-chan?

I think a lot of my old classmates can relate to that.

[cheesy-quesadilla-taken]

DISCLAIMER: The following is an unedited rant. I suffer from a terrible mental illness called schizoaffective disorder. This rant was in the middle of suffering from some of the symptoms. Hopefully this sheds some light on it and helps you forgive my shortcomings. I’m just trying this out for the first time. It kind of helps me.

Seconds later. Feeling more sane. This is the wrong way. I see that. My mom extended forgiveness and love and I denied it, giving her one more difficult night. I probably have to reconcile with God the same way because I said bad things about him too. Maybe I take advantage of his mercy which might be unforgivable. But I must think I’ll be forgiven because I do it anyways. The strange thing is I can drive my car perfectly while screaming and losing my mind. Dammit sigh maybe I’m one of these self indulgent narcissists like Kurt cobaine.

You know I really try to stop being an addict and angry. Maybe writing would help me not… maybe I’m just self conscious about it at the moment and when I get comfortable I’ll stop worrying about what other people would think and I’ll calm down. I’m so sad. I feel like a wretch. The voice said “god can use it Matt.” I can’t trust the voice even though that technically is true, but the voice is definitely Satan. Maybe he’s so intelligent he knows that would prompt me to stop typing.

I think this might be interesting to read to be honest. I mean a suddenly do at this second. And I wanted to tell you that detail to describe the shift that took place. And so on with that detail. That’s kind of interesting. Damn that’s what I want. I want to do something new and just actually like good no no profound? But I’m not saying it is. I’m saying I really want that. And it’s sort of interesting to be this honest and free flowing. I mean it’s just my thoughts. And my embarrassingly egotistical thoughts!! Dude that’s very scary for me to share. I might look back on this and cringe because I’ve done this before. To anyone out there who romanticizes about these guys who take drugs and are all fucked up but are geniuses trust me it’s a total waste. It’s not cool at all. AT ALLLLL. It’s terrible. I don’t want to be them. I HATE THEM. Dammit I’m in a bad place. This was stupid. It kind of helped me. Sigh I’ll never idk … I screwed up again. Again.

I learned today that god does punish people for their sins. I’m so scared now and kind of mad. I don’t sit around and want to be bad and sin. I can’t stand this anymore I’m gonna drink. Don’t drink. I’m an idiot. Don’t be me. Maybe I’ll post this somewhere. I’m sure someone on Tumblr would read it. Tumblr is so weird. I’ll do that and stop here lol. That’s for you if you got this far, although I will probably get no reader whatsoever. Plus I sound like an ass the whole time.

Thanks for reading.

[ampleax]

07/05/22

i wanted some sort of a safe space all to myself, my personal discord server’s getting a little too clogged for my liking so i’m gonna shift to tumblr! the past few days have been really shitty, there’s nothing new with that but it’s been exceptionally shitty. i don’t even have the energy to get up because everything’s going downhill. i’m constantly losing friends for reasons i can’t control, my college plans are falling apart, i have a shitty job. and i feel so bad for complaining because my concerns don’t even sound that bad compared to other people. am i just being whiny again? i hate manipulative people the most, especially those who are utterly convinced that they’re not doing anything wrong but if you read deeper into what they’re actually doing, you’ll be disgusted. making people feel like shit for not forgiving you isn’t based, i have the right to not forgive you especially when you’ve done that to me multiple times and i’ve forgiven you for all of them. don’t expect any sort of “don’t worry” message from me because i’ll never be able to lie about something like that, especially when i know you’ll do it again in the guise of your “jokes”. you’ve always blamed other people for the things that happened to you, have you tried thinking that the problem lies with you? enough about that, i guess i’m not that mad anymore- but that doesn’t mean i’ll still forgive that person. anyway, i found one of my past fling’s (is that the right word? ex doesn’t fit him lol) profile yesterday! it was funny, he’s so lame now that i think about it and he wasn’t even cute? he was just smart. i’ll call him N for now! N was the one i dated before G and oh my god this guy scarred me for life. i was in 8th grade when we started flirting, we met through an online book club and he was some sort of chuunibyou, he acted like he was some sort of mysterious anime character who was cold and smart. i can’t believe i liked him oh my god i’m cackling but he traumatized me so bad. he made me feel like i was crazy for getting jealous over him flirting with other members, he would constantly tell me to “sleep it off” and i was crazy. he would tell me he loves me whenever i “get into one of those moods”. i would tell him stuff like “if you don’t like me anymore, let me down gently” bc i was cringe as fuck back then lmao but yeah he was flirting with other girls and i had no choice but to see everything bc no one knew we were in some sort of a dating stage. he would tell me about his crushes in school as if teasing me, and i would always get mad over that. i guess what they said about giving an ugly guy a chance was true. now that i think about it, maybe that’s why i never told g that i was jealous over stuff, because N has always invalidated my feelings and he made me feel like i was crazy for getting jealous. i hope N’s in a better place right now though, and i hooope he thinks about all the girls who gave him a chance but he found being a cold anime character more appealing lmao i don’t think anyone sane would date him. he’s one of the reasons why i don’t think i will date anyone without thinking that i’m crazy ever again. i hope he gets punched DEAR GOD that’s everything for now! i’ll leave song recommendations since no one’s going to read this anyway. this song’s been stuck on my brain for the past few days. mmm just realized that adding this song makes it seem like i miss N since i talked abt him here and i don’t miss thinking i’m crazy lmao

https://youtu.be/WAMxwRtNrPY 

[thebluewritingbench]

if you’re still taking prompts, can you do happiness #1?

Before we launch into 6b next week, here's a small fantasy of a scene that I wish the cw would give us. Happiness #1 from this prompt list again.

“I’ve loved you since the day we met.”

“Alex calls it The Honesty Policy.”

Lena takes the mug of hot chocolate Kara offers, cradling it between her hands. “The Honesty Policy?” she asks, as Kara sits down on the couch beside her.

“I imagine Kelly probably fed it to her,” Kara says. “But she was helping me try to figure out how we could get ourselves… well, back to normal, after everything, and she was really insistent that this one was worth a try.”

“What is it?”

“Exactly what it sounds like. No more secrets,” Kara says, tapping her own collarbone, then fixing her gaze pointedly on Lena. “No more lying. We tell each other things. We’re honest. We trust each other with our secrets.”

Lena nods, looking down into her mug of hot chocolate. The dim lights of Kara’s loft glow orange across her cheekbones, and in the silence, the sounds of late-night passing cars rumble up from the street below. It’s the first time they’ve really spent time truly alone together since… well everything.

There’s still a lot of awkwardness between them; turns out secrets and betrayal and double-crossing—and the fact that forgiveness was barely hatching between them when Kara was banished to the phantom zone—will do that to a friendship. There was the initial hug, of course, after Kara was rescued, when Lena wrapped her arms around Kara and buried her face in Kara’s neck and held her so tightly that Kara was certain she’d never let go, her breath coming in ragged gasps and her whole body quivering. It was somewhat surreal, the warm shock of having Lena in her arms after so many months, her hair against Kara’s cheek, the muted scent of her shampoo. They’d sank to the floor, still holding each as the ship creaked around them, and stayed there for god knows how long in each other arms.

But since then, since that initial wordless embrace that felt as much like coming home as anything, they haven’t known what to say to each other. They work together easily enough, the animosity between Supergirl and Lena finally gone, but it’s more difficult when they’re just Kara and Lena. They’ve forgiven each other, Kara thinks. Or at least agreed to forgive each other, even if there’s still work to be done. But it’s weird. It’s not like they can snap straight back into how things were before.

Hence The Honesty Policy.

“Okay,” Lena says finally. “Yes. No more secrets. A clean start.”

A clean start. It’s what they need, after an entire friendship where one or the other of them has been hiding things. For the first time, everything between them will be out in the open. Nothing left to hide.

It’s oddly freeing.

Kara takes a sip of her hot chocolate. “So, where do we start?”

“Start?”

“I think we should have just an honest conversation. I don’t want this to be awkward anymore, I want to be able to talk to you like we used to. So, in the interest of honesty, tell me something you’ve never told me before. It doesn’t have to be big—” she adds hurriedly, when Lena’s eyes widen in alarm. “Something small. Something tiny you’ve never had reason to tell me.”

Lena nods slowly, thinking. “In the interest of honesty…” she starts. “In the interest of honesty, I… I really think that those bangs were a mistake.”

Kara makes a noise of offended disbelief in the back of her throat. “I—Rude!”

“You said to be honest!” Lena says, biting her lip like she’s holding back a laugh. “They’re growing out now, anyways. It looks much better.”

Kara gives her bangs a self-conscious pat. They’re still at a slightly awkward length, but they’re long enough to blend in semi-decently with the rest of her hair now. “If we’re being honest, then,” she says. “I think that blouse is really ugly.”

Lena looks down at herself. She sounds slightly hurt when she says, “What’s wrong with it?”

“Everything! It’s—the pattern! The sleeves! The collar! It looks like it’s made of cheap polyester.”

“It’s designer!” Lena pouts.

“Who designed it?”

“Well, I thought that blazer you wore last week was kind of hideous. I didn’t say anything at the time, but in the interest of honesty…”

Kara laughs, and Lena’s irritated expression melts away at her laughter, something in her eyes softening. It’s an expression Kara’s been seeing on her more often, in moments she catches Lena watching her when she thinks Kara isn’t paying attention.

She’s always paying attention to Lena.

“Maybe we should just agree to say that we both have questionable fashion taste sometimes and call it a day,” she says, downing the rest of her hot chocolate and placing the mug on the table.

Lena takes a dainty sip of her own still mostly filled mug. “Fine.”

There’s a long pause, and Kara taps her fingers on her pant leg and tries to think of a new conversation starter. She finally settles on. “In the interest of honesty… how are you holding up?”

Lena shrugs. “I’m okay, I suppose. I’m anxious about Lex—I know it’s only a matter of time before he’s back on our heels. Mostly, I’m just glad to have you back.” She looks over her mug at Kara. “I think that’s more a question I should be asking you, though.”

The look of intense concern in Lena’s eyes makes her feel hot, and Kara squirms slightly, pulling her collar away from her neck with a finger. She wants to say I’m fine, but honesty is the whole point of this exercise. “I’m… still not great. Being back there it… brought up a lot. Brought back a lot. I’m still having a really hard time with it all. It’s—it’s hard to talk about.”

“We don’t have to talk about it right now.”

“I want to talk about with you at some point. I just… don’t want it to ruin every conversation I have, you know? I want some things to be normal, still. I want to pretend things can be normal.”

“That makes sense,” Lena nods. She looks small when she says, “In the—in the interest of honesty, are you still mad?”

“At you?” Lena nods again, and Kara sighs, looking away. “It’s complicated, I guess. A little, maybe? I meant it when I said I forgave you, but there’s still part of me that’s a little angry. You did a lot of things that were… really bad, Lena.”

“I know.”

“Are you still mad at me?” Kara asks, and Lena’s shaking her head before she even finishes the question.

“No. No, I’m done being mad at you. I get it. I get why you hid your identity, and I wish you’d told me sooner, but I’m not angry anymore. I don’t have enough energy to be angry anymore. I’m happier if I don’t hate you.”

“Well, I’m glad for that.”

“I would have done anything to get you back, you know,” Lena says in a rush, words spilling out like she can’t stop them. “You say I did bad things before, but I would have watched the world burn if it meant I could have brought you back.” She looks down at her lap. “Who knows what I would have done if Alex hadn’t been there to stop me.”

“Lena.” Kara reaches over to take her hand. “You know I can’t possibly be mad at you for that.”

“No?”

“Of course not.”

“Okay,” Lena whispers. Kara watches her swirl around the dregs of her hot chocolate and takes a deep breath.

There’s still one more secret between them. One more secret that has the potential to ruin their friendship. Kara thinks they’re both aware of it, on some level. Aware of the way the weight of it shifts their every interaction. The others are aware of it too, have maybe known longer than Kara has. Alex certainly has. It was she who looked Kara in the eye when they were discussing this whole honestly policy and said, “You have to tell her this. You know you do.”

She can’t risk another secret in their relationship.

“Um, in the interest of honesty,” she starts, and finds she can’t quite meet Lena’s eyes. “I have to tell you—in all honesty, I would probably just keep it a secret, if I could, but I don’t think we should do secrets anymore, so I just need to tell you that I, um, have feelings for you.”

Lena straightens. “Feelings?” she says, her voice cautious.

Kara closes her eyes. Takes a breath. Steadies herself. Opens them again. “I’m in love with you,” she says. “Um, nothing has to change if you don’t want it to, but I need… I need you to know.”

“Oh,” breathes Lena. She opens her mouth, and it seem to take several moments for the words to catch up with her. “Well, in—in the interest of honesty, Kara, I’ve—I’ve been in love with you for years.” She gives a wry little half smile. “If we’re being honest.”

“What? You have?”

“Darling,” says Lena. “I’ve loved you since the day we met.”

“The day we met?”

“Why do you think it hurt me so badly when I found out who you were? Why do you think I was so deep in denial about it that I never figured it out myself? Do you really think you were that good at hiding it?”

“I mean, I thought—”

“The disguise. The hair. The glasses.” She puts down her mug, then reaches over and gently tugs the glasses from Kara’s face, folding the arms in and placing them on the table. She brushes a strand of hair behind Kara’s ear. “You mentioned Supergirl far too much as Kara and Kara far too much as Supergirl and one time you told me you flew to my office on a bus.”

“That’s—yeah, that’s fair, actually.”

“You’re in love with me? Honestly?” whispers Lena.

“I am. I really, truly am. Why do you think I refused to give up on you when everyone else was ready to?”

“I thought that just how you are. You don’t give up on anyone.”

“I try not to. But you, I could never bear to, even when it seemed like the only logical option to everyone else. Why do you think I waited so long to tell you in the first place? I was so scared to ruin things between us.”

“Why do you think I bought you an entire media empire?” Lena murmurs, and she’s so close, hand fisted in the collar of Kara’s shirt.

Kara giggles. “Why do you think I flew all over Europe to get you lunch?”

Lena laughs, and it’s such a relief to hear her laughter again, to let the conversation flow between them. There’s a bud of hope for the future that’s been sitting in Kara’s chest for years now, and under Lena’s adoring gaze, it starts to open.

“In all honesty,” Kara says, “I’d really like to kiss you right now.”

Lena slips a hand into her hair, runs her thumb over Kara’s cheekbone. “In all honesty?” She leans in, pressing their foreheads together. “I’d like that.”

[duxhess-kryzewan]

Obitine First Kiss?

- Drowning -

When they had first landed on Corellia, Obi-Wan was relieved to be somewhere that had plenty of fresh water. The last planet they had been hiding on was dry and dusty and even Satine - born and raised on a desert planet herself - had became sick of the terrain.

The novelty quickly wore off the longer they trekked through the jungle. The forestry was dense, the humidity unforgiving. Every breath he took came with the unsettling sensation of drowning on dry land.

Qui-Gon had left them the night before last, leaving Obi-Wan with coordinates on where to meet the following day. He had a contact - a long time ally - who resided on miles away from the forest they were hiding in. If all went according to plan, they would have a new and unrecognizable ship and a safe means off the planet. All he was tasked with was keeping Satine safe in the mean time.

He didn't like to read too much into why Qui-Gon was so keen on leaving them alone together.

"The sky looks like it'll be clear tonight." Satine comments as they move into a clearing.

"It' seems so," He says, "Let's just hope it stays that way."

Storms were frequent and often unpredictable. One minute the sun would be shining, only for the clouds to roll in mercilessly pelt the planet with rain.

"From desert to storm," She huffs, "I can't tell which is worse."

He observes her intently as she walks; how her damp hair clung to her neck, how she would periodically run the back of her hand across her brow line. He sympathized with her discomfort. The air felt sticky, the breeze heavy as it blew past them. Satine had long since abandoned her attempts at maintaining her regality. There was no point anymore. She had been with them long enough to know they wouldn't judge her in the slightest for slipping out of her Duchess façade, and the climate made it nearly impossible to look the part.

Not that it mattered much. Obi-Wan didn't think there was anything that could make her any less beautiful.

He tried to push the thought to the back of his mind. An irrevocable attachment to her was the last thing he needed.

"Can we stop for the evening?" She asks.

He marvels at the gentleness in her voice. Before, in the beginning weeks she had been placed under their protection, she had huffed and whined until he relented and gave into her requests. The near death experiences and friendship they managed to forge over the passing weeks had humbled her some, and gave him enough insight to realize she was more than just an entitled Duchess. He was grateful they had found a way to be more civil to one another.

“As you wish."

They were nearing one of the many lakes that covered the planet anyway; a more than ideal place to set up camp for the night. Fresh water was something neither of them took for granted after their stay in the desert.

When they stop Satine wastes no dropping to the ground and leaning back against one of the trees that surrounded them. Foliage was another thing they both had become more appreciative of recently. The cover of trees, the simple ability to rest against something other than the hot sand, even the always lingering dampness of the soil.

He busies himself looking around around for wood dry enough to start a fire. It was by no means necessary for warmth, but it would be there luck that the temperature would drop with the arrival of night time, and it wouldn't hurt to have a source of light. The stars might have been bright on Corellia, but he would be hard pressed to consider it enough illumination for them.

His mind had been so preoccupied on setting up camp that he hadn't even noticed Satine's absence until a splash broke through the silence.

"Satine?"

He turns just in time to see her disappear below the surface of the water, and for a fleeting moment panic floods through him. What if she can't swim? What if something was in the water? And why is she in the water in the first place?

The relief he feels when she reappears is almost insurmountable.

"What are you doing?" He half yells, trying his best not to let the worry in his voice show.

She grants him an amused smirk, and something about the sparkle in her eyes sends a warmth trough his chest, despite how hard he tries not to let it do so.

"Cooling off, Obi-Wan." She says matter-of-factly, "You may not mind being covered in sweat and grime after trekking through the jungle all day, but I refuse to stew in filth."

He has to repress the urge to laugh. Roughing it may have humbled the young Duchess, but there was always going to be a part of her that was prim and proper.

"I'm a bit more preoccupied with your safety than worrying about my personal hygiene."

He glances to the pile of discarded clothes at the waters edge and is grateful for cover twilight provided him. If Satine could see the blush that colored his cheeks at the thought of her undress she would never let him live it down.

Satine scoffs and swims closer to shore, "As if you have to choose one or the other. Honestly, Obi-Wan."

She was right, of course. He hated the stickiness from the humidity and sweat that clung to his skin, but it hadn't been at the top of his priority list.

"Priorities, Duchess."

She laughs lightly and disappears under the water again.

The fire he was attempting to start was a lost cause, he decided. There was too much moisture for a flame to start. As much as he didn't like it, they were going to have to fair out without one for now.

So he settles for laying out his cloak in the driest area he could find and depositing their items on top of it. Qui-Gon didn't leave them with much, but the few items they did have were more than essential to their survival the next few days.

Obi-Wan decides that, so long as she is content in the water, he'll sit along the lakes edge and meditate. It had been too long since he had a chance to do so, and this was he could keep an eye on her.

​He settles at the waters edge, lightsaber and top layer of his clothing discarded beside him. The muggy air proved to be a challenge when taking a deep breath, but the sounds of the water and quiet of the night soothed him.

That was, until an unexpected splash of cold water hit him.

He sprang to his feet, the sudden chill catching him off guard. Below him, he found Satine smiling mischievously, still partially submerged in the water.

"Have you lost your mind?" He manages to sputter out.

She laughs, "Don't act like it didn't feel good. You know as well as I do the temperature is less than favorable."

He glares at her, but there's something to her smile that almost makes him forgive her. Rarely over the course of their time together has he seen anything resembling genuine happiness grace her. For all of the things that drive him crazy about her - and there were many, many things - there were just as many that made him adore her in ways a Jedi certainly should not. Seeing her smile was one of them.

“I was meditating."

"You do that quite enough."

"Its an integral part of connecting with the force."

Satine rolls her eyes, "Yes, so you've reminded me many times."

They had managed to cultivate something close to a friendship during their time on the run. Qui-Gon had insisted that he try and get along with her, both for the sake of their mission and for the sake of the Duchess.

He's sure neither Qui-Gin or himself could have anticipated the less sudden feelings that would blossom between him and the Duchess. Feelings that most definitely went against the code.

It scared him that part of him didn't care.

"Swimming in a random lake on an unfamiliar planet doesn't seem very becoming of a Duchess," He counters with a smirk, "Especially one so preoccupied with appearances."

"Neither is being on the run with a Jedi, but I've had to learn to adapt with what's given to me."

Her smiles falters for a moment, and suddenly he's filled with guilt. He could feel her emotional struggle through the force; how much anxiety and guilt she carries for leaving her planet in the midst of a civil war.

"I'm sorry," He says, "I didn't mean to imply anything."

The smile returns. It's softer, more understanding, but there all the same. He likes to see it on her.

"Forgiven," She stands, the shallow end of the water only reaching her waist, "Though I would appreciate your assistance."

She reaches out a hand towards him, all while he tries his best to ignore the way her wet underlayer of clothing clings to her. He hopes the cover of nightfall masks his blush.

"As you wish, your grace."

He takes her hand in his, fingers gripping her smaller ones tighter than what was strictly necessary, and just as he goes to pull her up onto dry land she roughly yanks him towards her.

He topples into the water, barely managing to catch his balance before he was submerged completely.

"Satine!"

She backs up quickly into deeper water, swimming away from him with a newfound sense of urgency. It doesn't stop the laughter though, or the wide smile she wore. It was the first time he's seen her that amused, and if he wasn't so distracted by his sudden frustration he would marvel at just how beautiful happiness looks on her.

"Have you gone mad?"

Satine laughs some more, "Oh please, it's just water Obi-Wan. You're doing little more than bathing and cooling off. Master Qui-Gon wouldn't be too pleased if I was left alone because you suffered heat stroke."

It was pointless to argue that the temperature wasn't near hot enough for heat stroke to actually overtake him and, though he would never admit it, the cold water did make him feel a great deal better.

"I'm not much use as a protector while unarmed and in the water." He decides to counter with, though he knows its a weak point. If the situation suddenly became dangerous he would just as well protect her here as he would on dry land.

Satine doesn't answer him and instead disappears once again below the surface of the water. The sky was clear, but not even the planets stars could provide him enough light to see where she had vanished too.

He had grown accustomed to the many facets of her over their time together. There were versions of her he learned how to handle; from a stubborn Satine to a solemn one. A mischievous Satine however was uncharted territory, and he didn't know whether to fear her or be amused by her.

There's only inches separated them when she ascends out from under the water, and he quickly settles on terrified.

He's utterly terrified, because never has another person looked so beautiful to him as she did in that moment. Lips parted slightly, wide eyes staring back into his.

"Satine..." It's a warning, but he knows deep down his heart isn't really in it.

"Obi-Wan."

She's kissing him then. Gently; a ghost of a touch that he almost isn't convinced is real. Her lips are cold from the water, breath warm against his skin.

Before he can think better of it, his hand finds hers under the water, his other sliding up the slope of her neck and coming to cup her cheek.

"We shouldn't be doing this." He whispers against her.

Satine pauses for a brief moment, "No we shouldn't."

He wonders what it says about them that neither make a move to stop.

It crosses his mind what Qui-Gon would say if he found them like this; pressed together in shoulder deep water, disregarding the promises both of them made to their people and to themselves.

Her hand slide up the back of his head and tangles into his hair, her fingers grasping his Padawan braid tightly between them.

"We should stop." Satine says before kissing him hard with a newfound sense of urgency.

"We should." He agrees, kissing her back with just as much force.

Her legs suddenly wrap around his waist and it renders him breathless. The code was cracking around him with every passing second, and yet, he couldn't bring himself to stop kissing her.

It dawns on him then; that he has fallen irrevocably in love with Satine Kryze.

[tsukishumai]

Chemical Reaction - Kuroo Tetsuro

Summary: When the universe hands you a second chance, will you be able to move on from the mistakes of your past? 

college!Kuroo x fem!reader

a friends to friends w/ benefits to lovers type of deal.

Warnings: some light NSFW, slow burn, aged up characters, mentions of smoking, mentions of alcohol, fingering, cursing, and a little heartbreak. angst to fluff

Word Count: 7.3k (it goes by fast, I swear (′ꈍωꈍ‵))

A/N:  Jesus... this started out as a prompt, but it snowballed into whatever the hell this is. And it was supposed to be done by Kuroo’s bday T-T but better late than never! I poured in a lil extra love into this, pls give it a shot, lmk what you think, and I hope you enjoy !

Your history with Kuroo Tetsuro went back a little bit further than you’d like to admit.

He had been in your class for all three years you were at Nekoma, but you had really only popped onto each other’s radars second year.

He had been assigned the seat next to you, and while you were upset that your best friend, Eri, had been sat all the way across the room, you didn’t exactly mind the view.  

Right off the bat, you knew this was going to be trouble for you.

The guy was cute, funny, and smart. How hadn’t you noticed him before?

“Hey, L/N-chan,” he said, already making you blush with the addition of the honorific, “I have many chemistry jokes… but I’m afraid they won’t get a good reaction!”

You couldn’t stop either the face palm or the giggle that slipped out of your lips.

Kuroo was an easy person to get along with. He always greeted you in the mornings, and never really bothered you during class. On the rare occasion he stayed in the classroom for lunch, the two of you would strike up a conversation, but it never went past the surface.

Until about halfway through the school year. Your teacher had assigned a project that required a partner.

You looked to Eri, only to find the little traitor pairing up with the guy she had been eyeing since first year.

You sighed, not even mad at her for trying to shoot her shot.

“Want to be partners?” your head shot to the boy next to you.

“Uhm. Sure!”

And so it went like this; the project was due at the end of the year, requiring a research paper, and a 7 minute power point presentation.

Once or twice a week, the two of you would meet up at the school library either before school or after your club activities.

Kuroo was smart; smarter than you but you’d never say that to his face, so more often than not, the two of you would finish what needed to be done that day, and spent the rest of the time just talking, and getting to know each other.

By the third time the two of you had gotten kicked out by the librarian for laughing too much, Kuroo suggested meeting at his house on the weekends.

Surely that doesn’t mean what you think it means right???

It doesn’t, lmao. This guy was a good student, he made sure you guys finished your parts, because there was no way he was going to get anything less than an A.

Oh, you guys finished a little early today? Great! L/N-chan! Help me with my receives!

As the weeks pass by, there was a mutual progression in the relationship, neither of you seeing each other as project partners anymore, and falling into a comfortable friendship.

For Kuroo, that is. You, on the other hand, just became way too good at acting like you weren’t falling in love.

The school year is coming to a close, and you turn in your project.

Surprise, surprise! You guys got an A.

Seriously, the teacher said she was going to start using it as an example for the future students.

You couldn’t even be happy about your passing grade; you were too sad that your time with Kuroo was ending.

“Well, it was really fun being your partner this year,” you said, and Kuroo cocked an eyebrow at you.

“Why do you sound like someone’s dying,” he joked, “Anyway, Kenma said he bought a new game, but it’s multiplayer. What time are you coming this weekend?”

Bitch, ya heart nearly jumped out of your chest.

For a little while, you were content with things being like that. You had become good friends with not just Kuroo, but Kenma as well. You guys weren’t always together, but definitely made a point to make time for each other.

While you guys were usually busy during the week, club activities, homework and school taking up most of your time, Saturdays at Kuroo’s had become a thing well into your third year. As much as possible, you would try to attend his games, and he would try to bring you snacks when he knows you’re stuck studying.

You tried really hard not to read into the things he would do for you.

Surely, he’s also held Kenma’s bag while walking him home, right?

He’s memorized his whole team’s schedule; it’s nothing special if he also has yours memorized.

You know that he only brought you lunch today because he had to share half of his when you forgot yours.

All normal friend stuff, right! Right?!

“I met a cute girl the other day,” he said to you absentmindedly one morning before class.

Wait. Your chest shouldn’t feel so tight, should it? Your eyes are swimming, and your head is floating. Every breath feels like lead in your lungs, and you kinda wished the ground would swallow you whole.

“Oh, Really?” you tried to be nonchalant, and hoped he didn’t notice the shakiness in your voice.

He nodded. “Yeah… she’s kinda funny.”

But you were really funny, weren’t you? You were the one that made him laugh like a hyena, made him clutch his stomach and gasp for breath, right?

“Is that so?” your mouth felt like sandpaper, “Why don’t you try taking her out on a date?”

You wish you had never said those words.

You knew the girl he was talking about; you had seen Kuroo approach her in the hallway.

She was your teammate in the track and field club; not one of the fastest, but she was beautiful, kind, friendly, and Kuroo was right – she really was kind of funny.

“You should have told him first, you know,” Kenma had mumbled from next to you once, eyes never leaving his game while yours quickly shot him a glare.

It was just the two of you at the lunch table – Kuroo mumbling an excuse about having plans with another “friend”.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Kenma just rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

You spend the next few weeks avoiding him; it was easier since he didn’t sit next to you in class anymore, you weren’t really replying to his texts as often, you stopped visiting him and Kenma at practice, and you had missed the game you had told them you would try to go to.

You were kind of starting to realize that it was mostly you that had to go and seek them out.

Now that you weren’t doing these things… where was he?

You would catch a glimpse of Kuroo when he would visit your teammate during practice; he would try to greet you but you’d only shoot him a tight smile.

So when you heard a loud knock on your door at eight o clock in the evening, the last person you expected was the roosterhead himself.

“Hey,” he said, rubbing the back of his neck, “I could tell something was bothering you, and I’ve been trying to give you your space, but… it’s been weeks now so, I just have to know… Are you avoiding me?”

You didn’t really know what to say, if there is even anything else to. Even with your head down and eyes trained to your feet, you could feel the burn of his gaze.

“I...” the deep timbre of his voice always managed to give you chills, “I miss you.”

Is he fucking serious right now? He’s so smart, yet he can’t put two and two together? He can see his opponents’ moves before they happen, yet he can’t even see you standing right in front of him?

“I have feelings for you, Kuroo,” you blurted out before you could stop yourself.

Kuroo’s eyes widened by a fraction, his mouth slightly hung agape, dumbfounded by your seemingly random confession.

Except, it wasn’t random to you. You’ve been harboring these feelings for months, and after hurting yourself by staying silent for so long, you decided that you deserve better.

You’ll accept whatever the outcome, if that’s the price for your peace.

“Y/N…” it took him a long time to finally speak, and you try to ignore the fact that this is the first time he’s called you by your first name.

His face clearly showed his struggle to get the words out. “I’m sorry, I didn’t… I –“

You raised your hand. You didn’t really want to hear any more than that.

“It’s okay,” you said, giving him a small smile.

And with that, you shut the door on Kuroo Tetsuro.

You do your best to move on, smiling and laughing with friends you wouldn’t usually talk to you, ignoring the ghost of your past that haunt you every time you walked passed by Kuroo and your teammate down the hall.

You throw back a laugh at whatever the person next to you had said, turning away to miss the fact that Kuroo’s eyes always followed you wherever you went.

Graduation day came and in the blink of an eye, your days at Nekoma were behind you.

The days passed, the seasons changed, the flowers bloomed, and then they died.

You started university, moving to a different city and living with the very same best friend whose betrayal to quench her own thirst became the catalyst for your greatest heartbreak.

You’ve forgiven her for that though, you guess.

Life in college was the breath of fresh air that you needed.

New things to learn, new places to discover, and new faces to help you forget the scars of old ones.

Years pass by, and while you’ve allowed yourself to feel the touch of others, allow them to make you laugh, allow them to make you cry, you’ve never really allowed yourself the luxury of falling in love again.

Who has time for that any way?

Definitely not you. You just needed to finish your undergrad, and get into med school.

You had plans for your life, you weren’t going to compromise your dreams just for another person, and no matter whom you dated or how much they liked you, this fact had always rubbed them the wrong way.

You were finally starting your last year at your undergrad, quite possibly one of the most important years of college, what with your thesis, med school applications, and your entire future pretty much on the line, no big deal.

Your first class of the day was chemistry. You had been avoiding the last chemistry class required by your degree, all of your friends telling you that it was one of the hardest classes they’ve ever taken, and so naturally, you ran away for as long as possible.

The class wasn’t due to start for another fifteen minutes when you walked in, giving you a perfect opportunity to grab a seat of your liking.

You ended up choosing one in the third row – you knew that if you sat in the back, you wouldn’t pay attention.

You take out your laptop, books, and all required materials, using this free time to check any emails from your professors.

You were checking the time – 5 minutes left until class started – when you were interrupted.

“L/N-chan?”

Your feel your body stiffen up at the sound of a voice you hadn’t heard in years.

You turn your head to your left, hoping to all the gods that maybe you were mistaken.

“Kuroo?” you said in disbelief, and oh honey… you could not believe he was standing right before you.

Kuroo seemed like he hadn’t changed at all. His hair seemed a little bit more managed, he was a little bit taller, his muscles filled out his shirt better… but he still had the same goofy smile on his face, and that undeniably mischievous twinkle in his eye.

“What are you doing here?” you blurted out. “I thought you went to a university in Tokyo?”

“I did, but I transferred this year,” he said, “This university has a great marketing program.”

“I can’t believe it,” you mumble out, more so to yourself than him, “It’s been years.”

He gave you a smile. “It has.”

He took the seat next to you, much to your surprise. You almost wanted to open your mouth in protest, but what could you say? ‘You can’t sit there’?

You were thankful that the class had only gone over the syllabus, because you didn’t hear a word the professor said.

When you told Eri about it later, she just laughed.

“I always thought Kuroo-san was a nice guy,” she commented, her back turned while she cooked the both of you dinner.

“I never said he wasn’t,” you said, throwing back the rest of the wine in your glass.

“What, you still like him or something?” Eri teased, plating the noodles she had created and setting it in front of you.

“Of course not,” you grumbled, stabbing at the plate with a fork, and the amused look on Eri’s face tells you that her silence was just to placate you.

The next few weeks of the semester went by without any incident.

Kuroo stayed in the seat next to you, and you didn’t let yourself wonder why.

You were proud at yourself for being able to talk to Kuroo the way that you were; he still made the same stupid chemistry jokes in high school, but now you felt like you could laugh at them without choking on the air around you.

It was easy.

Until it wasn’t.

“Alright everyone,” your professor began one rainy morning, “We’re about halfway through the semester, and this is usually around the time I like to assign a little project.”

All of a sudden, you felt a strange feeling of déjà vu.

“Now, it’s only going to be worth about a third of your grade in the class, so I suggest not slacking off on this one. This is going to require a partner, and before you go texting your bestie that you want to ‘link up’, I’ve taken the liberty of assigning your partner for you.”

Oh, Christ. You were praying you wouldn’t get partnered up with a dead weight.

“When I call your name, raise your hand so I could introduce you to your new partner.”

You waited patiently for your name to be called, but Kuroo’s had been called first.

“Kuroo Testuro.”

Kuroo raised his hand.

“Your partner will be... let’s see here… ah, L/N F/N!”

No. No fucking way.

Your arm involuntarily raised, the professor nodding his head in acknowledgement.

You slowly turn to face Kuroo, who had an unreadable smile placed on his lips, your professor’s voice droning on in the background.

“Well,” he said, laughter laced in his words, “Isn’t this familiar?”

At first, you felt incredibly apprehensive at the thought of being partnered with your high school crush, but at the end of the day, you were actually incredibly thankful.

Kuroo was just as smart and diligent as he was back then, and you had every confidence that your project was going to get the highest grade.

You tried to make it a point to meet in public places – cafes, libraries, and the like.

But soon, Kuroo suggested that it would just be easier and more comfortable to meet at either your place or his.

He only ever came by when Eri was home too, which would have been fine if the smirk on her face didn’t make you so nervous.

You noticed that his roommate was always around when you came over as well. You learned his name was Bokuto, and though he was a little loud, his presence was actually a little comforting.

Honestly, it all felt so… nostalgic. Whenever you would finish your work for the day, then the two of you would spend the time talking, catching up, and laughing at stupid jokes, almost as if the two of you were friends again.

Almost like nothing happened between you at all.

“Hey,” you started one day, curiosity getting the better of you after a particularly steamy conversation about past relationships, sitting on the floor with your iPad on your lap and homework strewn about all over the living room floor, “Whatever happened between you and that girl from high school?”

Kuroo just gave you a sad smile, and you thought she must have broken his heart pretty badly.

“Oh that…” he waved it off, “That was a mistake. A big one.”

You figured it was better not to ask any more questions.

Eri walked out of her room soon after Kuroo left that night, her arms crossed and leaning against the door’s archway as she watched you wash the dishes.

You guys are getting pretty close,” she mused.

She couldn’t see you roll your eyes. “Well, yeah, we were pretty good friends in high school.”

Eri let out a humorless laugh. “I stand by my statement that Kuroo-san is a nice guy,” she said, walking up next to you to place a hand on your shoulder, “But I haven’t forgotten how long it took you to get over what happened.”

Your hands stilled in the soapy water for a second, but you chose not to say anything.

“I’m just saying,” Eri started to walk back to her room, calling out her last words behind her shoulder, “Be careful.”

Eri’s words echoed in your head whenever you were with Kuroo.

Every time he offered to pay for your food, you made sure to insist you’d pay for it yourself. If he tried to grab your bag from your shoulder when you walked, you’d hold on tighter and say you were fine.

You didn’t avoid him like you did before, but you made every attempt to keep him at arm’s length.

It seems your attempts were all for nothing, however, when the semester ended.

“Amazing job,” were the words that came from your professor when giving your passing grade.

“We did it,” Kuroo said happily, the two of you making your way out of the class, “It’s finally over.”

“Thank god,” you laughed back.

“Hey,” Kuroo started, though he was looking at everywhere but you, “Bokuto’s gone and visiting his boyfriend for the weekend, but I was wondering if you wanted to come over for drinks later?”

You blinked, trying to even your breathing.

“You know, to celebrate the end of the semester, and acing that nightmare class.”

You should say no, right? Wait, but you’re grown now. You’ve moved on from what happened back then. The two of you did work really hard this semester, what’s wrong with celebrating your achievements?

“I think we’ve earned it,” Kuroo laughed.

“Yeah,” you said, and you were glad for it just from the smile that spread on his stupid face, “We really have! I’ll be there.”

“See you at eight?”

You nodded at his words as he waved goodbye, going your separate ways.

Ten hours later, you were sitting next to Kuroo on his living room floor, sake cup full to the brim as BNHA plays on his TV.

“Ah, Deku’s in the hospital,” Kuroo slurred, sake sloshing out of his cup when he pointed to the screen, “That’s a shot!”

The two of you threw back the warm liquid, and you were kind of worried that it didn’t taste like anything anymore.

“Kuroo,” you laughed, “We’re only on the second episode… and I think I’ve taken, like, twelve shots at this point.”

“This was your idea!”

“Well, I have another idea,” you started to get up, causing Kuroo to get up as well, “Let’s order take out!”

He laughed at your red face, agreeing with you.

You started to make your way to the couch, but all of a sudden, you felt dizzy, a head rush taking over your senses as you stumbled over your feet.

Kuroo caught you before you could hit the floor.

“You okay?” he laughed, and the sound of it elicited a laugh from your own lips.

In a second, the two of you erupted in giggles, snickering at nothing in particular while his strong arms still held you in place.

Suddenly, you were hyperaware of his touch on your skin, and you let your eyes trail from the strong hands around your waist, to the golden honey eyes that were already staring at your face.

You can’t exactly remember how, but the next thing you knew, you were pinned under Kuroo on his bed, his soft lips moving in tandem with yours while his hot tongue took over your whole mouth.

Your arms were looped around his neck, and he slid his calloused hands up your arm.

You felt his hands grip onto your wrists before he pulled them off his necked and pinned them onto the mattress.

You took in a deep breath once he disconnected from your mouth, planting a trail of kisses along your jaw line and down to your neck, before you slid his tongue across your supple skin.

You shivered, acutely aware of the fact that he has you trapped.

“Be careful,” Eri’s words echoed in your mind.

Fuck, you tried to think but it was hard when Kuroo just threw his shirt across the room, hovering over you with chiseled abs and defined muscles.

The heat returned to your body when he lowered his head, and popped a hard nipple into his mouth.

Your body arched at the feel of his teeth grazing against your skin, goosebumps racing when he dipped his hand beneath your underwear, a slender finger gliding down your folds before inserting into you.

You weren’t prepared for the intrusion, and he captured the gasp that came out of your mouth with his lips.

He was now holding down both of your wrists with one hand, never realizing that he was that much bigger than you.

He slid out his finger, bringing it to his mouth to give a long lick, before dipping his hand back down, and pushing in two.

You threw your head back when Kuroo curled his fingers, wondering how the hell he was able to find your g spot so quickly.

You felt like an animal caught in his trap, caged in with your arms pinned down, no choice but to let Kuroo draw out your orgasm while he pumped and curled into you, circling his thumb over your swollen clit.

Your legs were shaking while you screamed out his name, embarrassed that you were cumming so hard when he hasn’t even actually fucked you

He didn’t give you a chance to recover from your orgasm

In one swift movement, Kuroo let go of your hands and pulled out his fingers so he could grab a leg in each hand to fold you over in a press.

You don’t even know when Kuroo had taken his pants – or yours – off, and you didn’t have time to wonder.

A moan escaped your lips at the feel of his length filling you up, and you distinctly hear Kuroo tell you to say his name.

“Kuroo,” you moaned, bringing your hands to his shoulders, grasping at his body.

Every buck of his hips shot a jolt of pleasure throughout your body, unable to escape the feeling with Kuroo holding you down in place.

Who the hell would want to escape from here anyway?

“My first name,” he growled, quickening his pace when he felt your walls tighten around his dick.

“Tetsuro!” you screamed without a second thought, the brutal rhythm Kuroo has set driving heat onto your stomach, repeating his name over and over even after you feel your pussy gushing all over him, your cum dripping down from his shaft to his balls.

“Fuck,” Kuroo growled out, driving into you one last time before he spilled hot white, trying hard to catch his breath while coming down from this high.

The two of you lay together in the darkness for a while, your head on his chest and his arms around his shoulder.

The silence that surrounded the room was comfortable; almost like a bubble of peace that neither of you wanted to pop by saying anything.

“Be careful,” Eri’s fucking voice told you, yet again

While you didn’t regret what had just happened between you and Kuroo, doubts were beginning to creep in your mind.

What the hell was supposed to happen now? You’re not sure if Kuroo was expecting this outcome when he invited you over for drinks, but it happened, and you’re not really sure where to go from here.

You’ve already built a life for yourself – one that was truly yours – and you had a path that you had every intention to follow.

Would Kuroo be like every other guy and run away when he finds out you’re not compromising your plans for him? Would you even want to try to fit him into your plans?

You shake your head.

Jesus, get a grip. A guy dicks you down /once/, and all of a sudden you’re thinking about this shit?

“Y/N? You okay?” He asked from beside you.

You lift your head from his chest, sitting up so you could lean your back against his headboard. Kuroo was quick to mirror your actions.

“Kuroo,” you begin to tell him, and he frowned a little at the sound of his last name, “That was… amazing.”

Kuroo blushed a little at your compliment, though he knew it didn’t stop there. “…But?”

“But,” you bit your lip, “I’m not really looking for anything serious right now.”

Kuroo didn’t respond right away, but maybe that’s because you just kept babbling. “It’s just… I have so much going on with school, not to mention grad school applications are due in a few months, and who knows which university I’ll end up going to after graduation…”

You finally had the courage to look at him, and you caught a glimpse of what you would have thought was sadness in his eyes if it hadn’t been blinked away so quickly, soon replaced with that same unreadable smile.

“Whatever you want, Kitten,” he replied, “This doesn’t have to be anything more than what it is.”

You let out a breath of relief.

He walked you home that night (or morning, considering it was 1am), still trying your best to set boundaries even though you pretty much let him thoroughly wreck you.

He didn’t give you a kiss goodbye, instead sheepishly waving when he sees you entering the door to your apartment, saying he’ll shoot you a text tomorrow.

You thought things would be weird between the two of you after that night, but you were happy to find that it wasn’t.

You had managed to rekindle your friendship with Kuroo – meeting up to study, grabbing lunch if you had the time, maybe catching the occasional movie.

Though, you didn’t tell Eri about the added benefits.

(Kuroo Tetsu-hoe) Today: 12:37AM

You up?

[To: Kuroo Tetsu-hoe] Today: 12:49AM

Yeah, doing my Lit. paper.

(Kuroo Tetsu-hoe) Today: 12:50AM

Wanna do me instead?

[To: Kuroo Tetsu-hoe] Today: 12:58AM

Say less.

ou didn’t have to tell Eri about the added benefits – she wasn’t dumb, where else would her roommate be going in the middle of night?

You’ve had other men before, going through your fair share of sexual experiences before climbing into bed with Kuroo.

But he was still managing to show you new things, reaching spots you never even knew existed before, putting his mouth in places that made your eyes water and lungs burn from gasping for air.

You can’t explain the feeling you get when he’s running his hands across your body, and when he stares at you and nothing but you while he’s pumping into you and making you feel so full in more ways than one, it’s something akin to a chemical reaction.

There was one time, when he took a belt, secured it against his head post before he brought your legs up to –

“Earth to Y/N,” Kuroo said, waving a hand in front of your face.

“Sorry,” you said, shrugging your shoulders, “I was having a flashback.”

Kuroo smirked, knowing exactly what you meant.  

The two of you were lying in bed, your back against his chest and a strong arm wrapped around your waist.

You laid your hand on top of his, fiddling with his fingers and reveling in the calm that always came from being with Kuroo.

“What you thinking about?” You ask, and the way he stiffened up in your grip let you know that something really was bothering him.

It took him a little longer than you’d like before he replied.

“Do you ever feel like… you want more?”

This time, it was you that stilled in his arms.

“Be Careful.”

You turned around to face Kuroo.

“I thought we talked about this?”

Kuroo’s eyes searched your face, for what, you have no idea. But you stared back with just as much intensity, hoping that he would find the answer he was looking for.

Fear. That’s what was written all over your face.

Kuroo let out a humorless laugh. “Forget I said anything.”

He stood up to put his boxers on and slipping on a shirt before heading out onto the balcony that was attached to his room.

You gave him a few moments before getting up to gather your clothes from the floor, silently putting them on before you joined him outside.

You find him leaning against the balcony railing on his forearms, a cigarette lit in one hand.

He doesn’t turn his head towards you, but he does offer his cigarette, and you take it quietly.

You bring the white filter to your lips, taking a deep drag, closing your eyes when you feel your head get lighter, and releasing the smoke from your lungs.

“Kuroo,” you started, voice nothing but a soft whisper, “I’m sorry… I didn’t – “

He raised a hand to stop you.

“It’s fine,” he replied. “Like I said, forget I mentioned anything.”

He smiled, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Hey,” he said, taking his cigarette back from you and taking a drag himself, “Kenma’s having a party this weekend. They’re inviting over some old classmates from Nekoma. He says he misses you. You should come.”

Your ears perk up at the invitation, excited at the thought of seeing your old friend and a little happy that he’s moving past the subject.

"Kenma? Is having a party?”

Kuroo laughed. “Alright. Yaku is having a party, but we’re doing it at Kenma’s place. It’s actually not that far from here, just one train ride.”

You chuckled, shaking your head knowingly.

“Yeah, I’ll go,” you agreed, “But, uhm… I’ll just meet you there?”

Kuroo nodded. “Yeah. I’ll just meet you there.”

You didn’t see Kuroo the rest of that week.

You weren’t sure what it was – he wasn’t ignoring you, he replied to your text messages and answered your calls.

But he hadn’t once asked you to come over. And after what happened that night, you were scared to ask him to come over.

The night of Kenma’s party came, and you entered to find way more people than you had expected. You didn’t recognize more than half of the people there, but relief washed over you when Yaku threw an arm around your shoulder.

You didn’t see Kuroo right away when you arrived, but you were too distracted at the joy from seeing some of your old classmates.

You were half way through a game of beer pong with Lev as your partner before Kuroo was able to make an appearance.

He made his rounds, saying his greetings to everyone before stopping at you, giving you a friendly one armed hug.

You didn’t want to admit that you were a bit sad at the generic greeting.

Was it because maybe… you want…. mor –

“Y/N! Shoot the damn ping pong ball,” Lev exclaimed, and you were shook out of your reverie. 

Kuroo excused himself, saying he was going to the kitchen to make himself a drink, but you were too focused on winning your game to notice.

Before you knew it, you lost three to two against Kenma and Yamamoto, cursing at Lev for forcing you to carry the team on your back.

By this point, the alcohol had spread all through your system. You were still able to walk straight, but with considerable effort. The words that came out of your mouth were just a little slurred, and you were kind of having a hard time controlling the volume of your voice.

“Where’s Kuroo?” you asked Yaku, who instantly shot a hand up to rub his ear.

“Jesus, woman, you don’t have to yell, I am /right here,” he grumbled, but he still let you sling an arm around his shoulders for support. “I thought he went into the kitchen to get some drinks?”

That’s right, he said that. But that was hours ago. Where could he be?

You stagger away from Yaku, pushing your way past unfamiliar bodies to get to the kitchen.

The first thing you saw when you tripped into the kitchen was Kuroo, dressed in a fitted black shirt and blue jeans, looking every bit the Greek God he was as he leaned against the counter. His arms were crossed atop his broad chest, a drink in one hand.

He was talking to someone, and you thought you recognized the long black hair that flowed from the back of their head, but were too distracted studying the veins that protruded from Kuroo’s forearms.

You opened your mouth to call out to him when the person in front of him stepped up, pressing their body into his. She uncrossed his arms and snaked two long arms around his neck.

You recognized her in that instant.

It was his ex from high school.

Looking down, you were surprised to see your clothes dry, because it felt like someone poured a bucket of ice water directly on top of your head.

“Be careful,” Eri’s words echoed in your head for the ten millionth time.

Yet here you were

In the same exact place you were a little over three years ago.

You scoffed at yourself.

Well, there’s nothing else for you here now, is there?

You shoot Yaku and Kenma a quick text in a group chat to let them know you were leaving.

The air outside was cold, your breath coming out in puffs. You wrapped your jacket around a little tighter, cursing yourself silently for not wearing a scarf cause it’ll ‘ruin the outfit.’

“Hey, the party’s that way.”

The sudden voice behind you nearly made you jump ten feet in the air.

“Jesus, you really are like a fucking cat.”

Kuroo chuckled.

For some reason, the sound made you angry. You kept walking, following the path of dimmed street lights that led you to the train station.

“Yeah, but home’s this way.”

His heavy footsteps trailed behind you.

“Great, I was getting tired of the party anyway.”

“What are you doing here?” You finally turned your head to him and asked.

Your voice was surprisingly clear and even, despite the unsteadiness of the ground beneath you.

“What do you mean? I’m walking you home.”

“Why?”

“Because it’s late, and you’re my friend.”

‘Friend’. The word made you wince, even though you were the one that drilled the idea into his head.

“I saw you talking to your ex,” you grumbled, crossing your arms and turning the other direction.

You could practically feel his smirk.

“Oya? Is that jealousy I’m hearing in those words?”

You felt your face get hot.

“Of course not!”

- “I thought we were just friends?”

“Will you shut up for once in your life, idiot!”

He wanted to tease you some more, but was stopped by the pensive look on your face.

“Why would you leave the girl that broke your heart behind just to walk me home?”

Kuroo looked at you with a confused expression.

“Girl that broke my heart?”

You nodded. “When I asked you about her, you said she was a big mistake.”

Kuroo stopped walking. You turned your head back to look at him curiously when he doubled over in a full bellied laugh.

“Are you laughing at me?!” You asked incredulously, giving him a glare from where you stood.

“You... you think she’s the one that broke my heart?”

Kuroo wiped a fake tear from his eye.

“Wow. That was a good one.”

“What the hell are you going on about, Kuroo?”

The jovial look on Kuroo’s face slowly faded, the entertained smile on his face shrinking his lips into a thin line.

“Y/N, she didn’t break my heart.”

Now it was your turn to be confused.

“You want to know why I said she was a big mistake?” Kuroo took a step towards you, “It was because of her that I lost you.”

Your jaw dropped.

Kuroo ran his fingers through his hair, ruining the perfectly waxed locks that he had spent thirty minutes styling.

“Please don’t run away when I tell you this.”

You couldn’t move your feet even if you wanted to.

“The only reason I ever brought her up to you in the first place was because I wanted to see your reaction. I wanted to know if you would get jealous. But without hesitation, you told me that I should just go ahead and date her, and you know dumb young men and their pride... then... it just... snowballed into something I didn’t even...”

Kuroo couldn’t finish his sentence.

Your vision begins to shake.

“But... but I confessed to you!”

“Yeah, then you slammed the door in my face and stopped talking to me!”

You couldn’t deny that.

“Do you have any idea how confusing that was for a teenage boy? I had no idea what the hell was going on, one day, I blinked and I was stuck with a girl I didn’t love while I watched my best friend smile and laugh and walk passed me like I never even existed.”

You swallowed the guilty lump that was caught in your throat.

“All I knew was that you weren’t around anymore; you weren’t there to make me laugh with your dumb jokes, you weren’t coming over and leaving your presence all over my room, nothing, it was all gone, and it all felt so fucked up. Being without you felt so fucked up.” 

Had Kuroo always felt this way? Were you really so busy running away from him that you couldn’t even see that he was hurting too?

“Now the universe or the gods or whatever brought me back to you, and it’s like everything makes sense again, and fuck, all I want to do is just show you how much I’ve missed you, how much I care, how much I love you.”

You gasped, and you were waiting for Kuroo to try and take those words back, but the resolve was painted in his eyes.

“But all you do is just keep me at arms length. You wanted to be just friends when I wanted everything.”

You choked back a sob, tears were now steadily streaming down your face.

Kuroo closed the space between you, wrapping one arm around your waist while bring his other head to wipe at your tears with the pad of his thumb.

 “She wasn’t the girl that broke my heart. You were.”

He moved to place his fingers on your chin, tilting your head up to force you to look at his eyes.

He wanted you to see that he meant every single word.

“If this is all you’re willing to give me, I’ll take it. I’ll break my own heart. Every day, over and over again, if that’s what it takes to be with you.”

His voice was in a whisper now, bringing his lips to kiss both sides of your cheeks.

“Because I love you.”

He brought his hands to cup for your face before pulling you in for a kiss.

This wasn’t anything like you’ve ever experienced before.

Every time his tongue brushed against yours, you felt all the love adoration he was trying to convey in this one physical act, hoping he could transfer it all into your lips.

It felt like time stopped just for the two of you, to have this moment in the middle of the sidewalk, bathed in the orange glow of the street light that hung above you.

He pulled away finally, resting his forehead on yours for just a second before he engulfed you with his arms.

His head rested on top of yours, feeling the vibrations as he spoke.

“I’m going to ask you one more time,” he said nervously. “Do you want something more?”

You wiggle out of his grip just so you can move your hands up to caress his cheek.

“Tetsuro... I love you so much.”

Later that night, in the safety of your room and away from Eri’s judgmental eyes at the two of you stumbling in and giggling through the door, you trace small circles on Kuroo’s chest with your fingers while Kuroo had an arm wrapped around you tightly.

“Hey, Tetsu,” you broke the silence with a whisper, “What if I end up going to grad school that was... further away?”

Kuroo couldn’t help but smile and shake his head. You were never going to change.

Not like he would ever want you to.

“Y/N... we didn’t talk for three years, and not once did I stop thinking about you. A little distance isn’t going to get rid of me.”

You try to bury your face in embarrassment.

If he had to spend every day of the rest of his life reassuring you that he’ll be by your side no matter what, well - that’s just too easy.

You find yourself holding onto him a little bit tighter, making a silent vow that never again were you going to push away Kuroo Tetsuro.

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Let’s Talk: Jimin’s & Tae’s confessions (RUN Episode 141)

by Admin 1

Originally, I planned on writing a summary or vmin cut of the RUN episode but then I transcribed Jimin’s and Tae’s confessions and it got me thinking, and now here we are. Instead of a summary here are some of my musings and thoughts about their confessions and how they are right in line with things they’ve said in the past, and even quite recently, as well as how it fits with something Namjoon said in 2020 about them as well. I hope this will at least be somewhat interesting.

So, first, let’s look at Jimin’s confession, since this is longer and was first in the episode:

Jimin’s Confession

Jimin: Sometimes I am blunt. I’m like that at times. 

Na PD: Taehyung, has Jimin ever said anything bluntly to you?

Tae: Nowadays, he's really putting in effort to fix that to the point where it rarely happens anymore. Jimin tends to be very hard on himself, which also broke our hearts to see. 

Na PD: So, he gets stressed from himself, then gets mad at himself...

Tae: Then gets mad at himself.

Na PD: ...and then he blurts remarks.

(here it was a bit unclear (for me at least) which of the two said which line so I’m sorry if I mixed them up)

Jimin: It’s something I want to be forgiven for.

Tae: But Jiminie being blunt and me being blunt is completely different. Jimin has a kind hearted nature on the regular.

Na PD: Right.

Jimin: Are you usually not like that?

Tae: I’m, well...

The other members stop Tae, since it’s not time for his confession, and instead the question is posed by JK if they forgive Jimin to which everyone says yes.

Tae: You’re innately kind at heart. stretches out hand for handshake.

Jimin: Thank you. Jimin thinks (?) Tae might be going for a fist bump since he gives him his fist instead, which Tae still takes and shakes.

The first thing about this that caught my attention, as well as one of our anons, was the fact that instead of choosing literally any of the other members, Na PD turned to Tae and asked him to verify if something like that (as in Jimin being blunt) ever happened toward him. You could say we’re thinking too much here, interpreting too much into it, and yet it doesn’t change the fact that he chose to ask Tae. Of course it could be because he said at the start of the program that he feels closest to Tae since he heard about him from two of his Wooga squad friends, but it might’ve just as well been because he watched the members for a while already at that point (since they’d already been filming a few hours) and perhaps he did notice how Tae and Jimin naturally gravitate toward each other, have this special bond? Other people who worked with them in the past noticed it, so why wouldn’t he?

There’s actually moment where Jimin turns and says Taehyungie like he wants to ask him something or say something to him which isn’t in the subs and the members don’t notice it either so Jimin never got to actually say whatever he wanted to say. Also, we’ve all seen how Tae and Jimin behaved during the game in the previous episode, how happy, smiley and giggly they were while being silly together.

Then the actual confession itself, Jimin saying that he can be blunt at times, toward others but also especially toward himself. We’ve heard many times from Jimin about how much of a perfectionist he is, how he can get mad at himself for mistakes, how he sometimes speaks without thinking which can end up a bit mean/blunt, and now he’d like to be forgiven for it.

This actually reminded me of something he said to Tae before:

FESTA 2020 from 42:56 min onward (context - the question was: have you felt disappointed in or sorry to the member to your right?):

Jimin: For Taehyung I should say if I compare those two feelings to him I was more hurt than sorry. Over time, it was reversed. Now I don’t feel slighted. I’m more sorry about things. Back then we were buddies so we had a lot of disagreements or didn’t admit that we were wrong. So I felt disappointed about little things. Now he listens to me well so I feel sorry that I talked to him harshly and every little thing.

The last line especially sticks out to me. I know there’s some language nuance here that got lost in translation which wisha mentioned when the FESTA 2020 video was posted (but is now gone since her twt was suspended), and yet it doesn’t change that fact that it fits with Jimin’s confession, how he was harsh to Tae in the past but now feels sorry for it, and with what Tae said, that Jimin is now making an effort to fix that behavior, to not be so blunt/harsh anymore.

It’s so interesting to me to see these mentions of what could be seen as character flaws over the years, things that make them inherently human. Also it fits with what we know about the evolution of vmin, how they used to have disagreements, have issues with proper communication but over time worked on it, got better at it to the point where they can now understand each other by just looking into each other’s eyes, and Tae’s words about Jimin, how he’s an angel, the warmest person he ever met, and now how he has a kind hearted nature, therefore the bluntness is not taking away from it in any way.

There was also something about this in Jimin’s solo RollingStone interview which caught my attention:

(btw, if you haven’t yet, I highly recommend reading the main and solo RollingStone interviews because they are really, really good!)

Taehyung’s confession

Tae: Compared to the other members, I’m very lazy. Once I’ve set my mind on something, to get that into action, it takes me up to 2 months. I’m start working out, then quit. I’ve quit projects midway too. I’m the type where if I’m not feeling it, I don’t do it. There are times when I feel sorry to the members. 

Someone (I can’t pinpoint the voice): How would be summarize this?

Jimin: You’d usually call this as “irresponsible”. He lacks responsibility,

Tae: I’m still an amateur. 

Na PD: “I lack responsibility and am lazy”. Is that how we can understand it?

Tae: Yes.

Jimin: To be honest, we don’t think it’s to that extent, but if that’s what he feels... we forgive him.

Something I love about what Jimin said (in far fewer words than I will use because you know me, I can’t keep myself short) is that he essentially did two things at once, being: he assured Tae (and the viewers) that him and the members think differently, don’t see it as severely as Tae does himself, and then he also acknowledged the validity of Tae’s words, that even if Jimin doesn’t agree with him, Jimin knows that those feelings are still valid, that that’s what Tae feels and that, at the end of the day, even if the members don’t agree, they can’t change Tae’s mind, can’t force him into seeing things differently. The only person who can do that is Tae himself, and that’s okay. Jimin and the other members will still quietly support and reassure him when needed until he’ll “fix” this weakness, if that is something he wants to do.

This really shows how in tune with Tae Jimin is, but also how emotionally intelligent he is. Beautiful. Also, notice how Jimin said that without being asked to do so, which will come into play again a little later in this post and why I point it out specifically again.

Listening (or rather reading along) as Tae said that, it reminded me of something he said a few months ago:

Taehyung BE-hind Story Interview from 5:49 min onward:

Q: How do you cope when it’s hard to work/with these situations?

Tae: I’m very true to my emotions so uh...if I can’t write the songs or can’t come up with a title I just don’t. Like now! 

Yoongi: That’s actually the best way. 

Tae: I just don’t write it like how I’m doing it now, and I don’t want to be pressured to create something against my will. 

Yoongi: It’s not like you have to finish a song within a day or two? 

Tae: Right! So I’ve been taking some rest for about four months now. Now that I’m resting for four months... 

Yoongi: Wasn’t your mixtape supposed to be out last year? 

Tae: The mixtape that was supposed to happen last year was postponed. I should be in a state full of emotions right now, but I haven’t reached it yet. It’s like...my first mixtape so I want to feel that satisfaction when I release it whenever that time will be. 

Yoongi: That’s why you have to finish the whole thing while you’re at it... 

Tae: Yes. 

Yoongi: ...or else it takes too long to finish it. So, you have to finish it within that period. 

 Tae: Right. 

Yoongi: I’m guessing you might’ve missed the time.

The thing though is that what Tae said, that if he doesn’t feel it, he won’t do it/finish it, that just shows how much of an artist he is, how much his art truly matters to him, and how important it is to him that his art, in this case his music, turns out just the way he wants it to or else he won’t finish it or release it. And while Tae might call this “irresponsible”, I don’t think it’s that in this case, or that it’s a sign of laziness either, though just like Jimin, I don’t want to invalidate his feelings either. All I want to bring across is how in the context of his music, this isn’t a weakness or flaw, even if it might seem like it, especially in their line of work with deadlines, schedules and plans made weeks and months in advance where, usually, you can’t just take a four month break.

So, in that regard, I can understand how it can feel like a flaw to him, make him feel guilty about it and sorry to the members who in this case might rely on him to get something done on time and he might not do it, or not without forcing himself to do it or being dissatisfied, you know what I mean?

Earlier today Tae was on weverse and answered a few questions about his mixtape (though I have a feeling it really is time for ARMY to stop asking him about it and just let him breath) where he said that even though he got a song from someone and made ten himself, even with that break he took according to his BE interview, the songs just aren’t what he wanted them to be and thus he decided to start again.

Some could say it’s again a case of him being irresponsible the way he characterized it during the RUN episode, that even though he said last year he was almost done and would release it soon it ended up being postponed and now he started over again, but once again I think it just shows how very important his music is to him, and therefore I’d actually call it a strength. It shows how valuable his artistic expression is to him, to create music the way he wants to, at his own pace, and only release it once he feels it’s right.

One more thing, just like I said in the intro of this post, Jimin and Tae jumping in to assure the other, reminded me of something Namjoon said during his Map of the Soul : 7 vlive last year:

The context is a little different, but I think it’s still valid here as well, how Tae and Jimin made excuses for each other, how Tae immediately softened how harsh Jimin’s own words about himself might come across, assured both us and Jimin that really he has a kind heart despite this weakness, and then also Jimin by saying that things aren’t as bad as Tae makes them seem either. It’s interesting to really see something play out in a manner similar to what another member said about them based on having been with Jimin and Tae for the last nearly ten years.

Whoever claims that BTS just play out concepts or “plots” and characters given to them by the company really should just take a seat and stop. I mean, sure they all have a sort of persona they embody in front of the camera, at least to a certain degree, they’ve spoken about that numerous times, but they are still humans with flaws and their own dynamics between each other away from the cameras which, logically, also come across on camera as well, not always but enough for us to pick up on it. And in this case, with these confessions during RUN, we saw something that we previously only really heard about happen right in front of us proving (not that they have to prove anything to us, of course, we should simply trust them and what they tell us) that it really is that way.

Here’s the anon I mentioned earlier:

From anon: It might just be me lol but I think rather than Jimin forgetting he's being filmed for a show (with all those members of staff as onlookers as well) and blowing a kiss at Tae / blowing on Tae's chest, he probably just noticed a tiny bit of lint or fluff on Tae's cardigan or mic and decided to blow it off... Of course, if that was the case, that still reveals their high level of intimacy and the fact that even when interacting infront of strangers they seem to be unable to stop showing exactly how tuned into each other they are... I don't think it's a coincidence that Na PD chose to ask Tae, of all the members, to verify Jimin's statement about his flaw. He was probably observing them all day and noticed how particularly close they were, even amongst all the extremely close members.

[babymetaldoll]

Danger Days - Chapter nineteen: "If you're gone (maybe it's time to come home)"

Word count: 16,9K

Summary: Joey is not ready to start touring, but being away from Matthew sounds like a good plan to get over him. But... Matthew has other plans, and he is determined to be forgiven. Gerard is not letting his illusions go either, but he has to realize he is wasting his time.

Warnings: Cursing, there are some arguments, a little angst, and some fluff.

A/N: I'm soft.

Masterlist

Chapter one | Chapter two | Chapter three | Chapter four | Chapter five | Chapter six | Chapter seven | Chapter eight | Chapter nine | Chapter ten | Chapter eleven | Chapter twelve | Chapter thirteen | Chapter fourteen | Chapter fifteen | Chapter sixteen | Chapter seventeen | Chapter eighteen | Chapter nineteen | Chapter twenty | Chapter twenty one | Chapter twenty-two | Chapter twenty-three | Chapter twenty-four |

--

::: March 30th, 2011. Los Angeles :::

Frank sighed and looked around. It was early morning, and there was chaos around him. It was video shooting day, and his family was with him at the small indoor venue where MCR was recording the “Planetary Go” music video. Five hundred kids were outside, waiting in line to get there and be part of the show. Meanwhile, inside the arena, his wife and kids hung out with Joey, Ray, and Mikey in the dressing room. They were still waiting for Gerard, who was late, as pretty much always.

- "I brought some things you might need through these next months"- Jamia said to Joey as Frank walked closer- Mostly books and a few maternity shirts I loved.

- "Thank you! I’m gonna need all your help, ‘cos I have no fucking idea what I’m doing."

- "You are gonna be just fine! You have mom material!"- Jamia pointed out as the young woman held Lily in her arms, smiling- "You are glowing"- Joey grinned- "Now tell me everything about, have you seen him? Have you talked to him? Did you tell him?"

The drummer widened her eyes and held her breath for a second. Mikey looked at her and kissed her temple.

- "I’ve seen him, I told him, he is thrilled, he has been..."- she made a pause and tried to find the right words to describe how the last ten days had been for her- "Incredibly caring and supportive. I hate him"- Mrs. Iero frowned.

- "He is making it hard for you to hate him, right?"

- "Awfully! I swear I have to do some exhausting mental work to keep myself from forgiving him each time I see him! It’s awful!"

- "If you want to forgive him…"- Jamia started, but Joey shook her head.

- "No! This is not about forgiving him because I won’t! once a cheater, always a cheater!"

- "Yeah… that’s true."

- "And I don’t trust him!"

- "I know…"

- "And..."

- "It’s ok, Joey. Don’t worry"- Jamia smiled and changed the subject- "Did you tell your parents yet?"

- "No, we are gonna be in Seattle in four days, so I’ll tell them in person."

- "Are they going to the show?"

- "Yeah! They are thrilled! And they want to meet the band, which I know is gonna be weird. I’m so glad you are coming along for this leg."

- "I was dying to come with you, and now you have two babies to get used to"- Joey chuckled, but her happiness was clouded when Gerard walked into the room with Lynz.

Ever since her talk with Mikey, Joey had successfully managed to stay away from Gerard. And the best part: no one had asked if there was something wrong, ‘cos though neither Frank nor Ray knew the details of the story, they both knew there was something definitely wrong in the way Gerard looked at the drummer, and she was clearly awkward around him.

Gerard was in hell, and he knew he deserved it. He had crossed the line, and the distance between him and Joey was the proof. Gerard was afraid even to talk to her, and he felt the wall his brother had created around her. Mikey wasn’t mad at him anymore. He was just worried about him and also a little disappointed. Gerard had always made sure to give him a positive example- even in his darkest times- and suddenly, that whole mess fell upon them.

- "Hey guys!"- Lynz said with a happy face and arms wide open as she walked into the room and started hugging everybody, including Joey, who felt like a whore the second she saw her. She had promised her she was never going to do anything with her husband, and she had failed.

- "Hi Lynz! How are you?"- Joey tried to keep a straight face and smiled.

- "Congratulations! Gerard told me about your baby!"

- "Thank you so much!"- the drummer was making the biggest effort to look happy and natural- "Wanna see the ultrasound?"

Gerard looked at the scene, and his stomach tightened. Joey seemed to be so happy. The drummer gave Frank his daughter and took the ultrasound from her backpack.

- "Hey! I wanna see it too!"- Ray said, moving closer.

- "That little bean is my baby!"- Joey pointed and chuckled- Can you believe that tiny thing is gonna be a person?!

- "Shit!"- Ray sort of mumbled- "It’s so small!"

- "Ok, kids! outfits ready?"- Brian walked into the room and looked at them- "Neither of you is ready, come on! Move! We are late!"

Matthew finished packing and smiled. He wasn’t carrying much, but it was enough to follow Joey for the next eighteen concerts she had with the band, starting march 21st and until April 23rd. His plan was simple: standing in the first row of every show and cheering for the drummer. He wanted to show her how much he loved her, and he was willing to postpone his whole life for her. He had gotten in trouble in his job for doing that, and he didn’t care. He wanted to be with Joey, and he wanted her to know how much he loved her, and if that meant being fired from Criminal Minds, so be it.

He put the eighteen tickets for the shows he had already gotten in an envelope and smiled pleased.

- "This has to work"- he said out loud- "I mean… it has to, ‘cos I don’t know what to do next…"- he grabbed his phone and looked at the hour.

- “Good luck with the video today”- he wrote and sent.

The latest days had been weird for him and Joey. She would accept to see him when it came to things related to the baby, but of course, she would never let him get too close. The nap they had shared had been the last time he had held her in his arms. The rest of the time, she had been distant, and though he had done his best to stay calm and positive, sometimes it scared him to think maybe he was really going to die trying to get her back.

But “weird” didn’t mean bad, though. And Matthew had made the best of the time he had shared with her. He would bring her treats she liked and would call every morning to know how she felt. She always picked up. That was good; it meant she didn’t hate talking to him.

He also took her to see a nutritionist, to help them make a meal plan, considering Joey wasn’t the healthiest person when it came to meals. They also had a conversation with a personal trainer to help her identify the exercises and movements she could do to train and stay fit those first months. Besides, Matthew kept getting thoughtful presents to make her pregnancy more comfortable, and he brought one every day as an excuse to see her, even for a minute. He got her the pregnancy pillow and customized it as one of his stuffed monsters. He got her natural spa products for her bath to help her relax. He even got a tiny drum for the baby. Joey hated him because she couldn’t stay mad at him if he was being so adorable. He bought her so much food she was sure she was getting fat for eating too much and not because of her pregnancy.

- “Thank you”- his phone dinged, and he quickly read the text, smiling.

- “Wanna come for dinner tonight?”- he wrote and held his breath. It was a bold move, but he needed to play all his cards.

- “Better not, I’ve got an early flight.”- she replied. Joey held the phone in her hands tight, locked in the bathroom. She really didn’t have to change for the video, she just had to put on an MCR t-shirt, and she wanted to fix her hair. Joey wasn’t really going to be in many shots anyway, she just was a support player in the back. She couldn’t take the eyes from the phone, though she knew she had to. She was waiting for Matthew’s answer.

- “Can I stop later to say goodbye?”- and a smile lodged on his lips as he wrote those words. Joey had no idea he was going to be on tour. Joey bit her inner lip as she considered the options. She wanted to see him but didn’t want to give him hope, but he was the father of her kid, but… he cheated.

- “I can bring some dinner, in case you get home tired and you don’t want to cook.”

- “Mother fucker!!”- the girl coursed and sighed- “See you at seven.”

- "Yes!!"- Matthew jumped from his bed and danced around his room on his own. He just had to be calmed and try not to fuck it up. He could do that, right?

Lynz kept a good eye during the whole day, trying to see if Joey would look at Gerard, but she didn’t. They didn’t really talk at all. She knew Joey had told her they weren’t close, which made sense with the scene in front of her. It was like Gerard didn’t exist for the drummer.

- “Isn’t that weird too?”- Mrs. Way thought. She could notice Gerard was concentrated entirely on the whole “making the video” process. He kept checking with the director and making sure everything was ok. Joey talked with Mikey and laughed a lot with Ray. Her husband and the young woman never interacted except during the show. Gerard wouldn’t stop going back to the drum and looking at her every time they had to perform. Just like Lynz had seen in the Valencia show. Joey didn’t seem to pay that much attention. She would be playing, their eyes would crush, they would nod, that was it.

- “Ok, if it doesn’t seem to be anything going on, why can’t I shake these thoughts from my head”- the bassist asked herself as she kept staring at her husband performing.

During the break, Joey walked away from the stage and the noise and locked herself in the bathroom again. She checked her cell phone and read.

- “Do you think we could ever get to be friends?”- and she held her breathing, nearly in shock. The text was from Gerard. When the fuck did he text her? He had been there the whole time. She looked around, but she was alone in the bathroom. She reread it, frowning. Why was he texting her? They had managed to spend weeks talking the minimal, and she was completely in favor of keep doing the same for the rest… of her life, basically. And so she didn’t reply. It was clearly easier for her to stay away from Gerard than from Matthew for obvious reasons.

- "Hey!"- Lynz walked into the bathroom and smiled. Joey kept looking at her reflection in the mirror, fixing her makeup- "How are you feeling?"

- "Like I could puke everything I’ve ever eaten, and at the very same time, so fucking hungry"- the drummer answered with a smile- "How have you been? I haven’t seen you since London."

- "Good, busy, thank God. That’s the only way I can stand being apart from Gerard for so long."

- "It was an eternal tour!"- Joey added- "It felt like a lifetime! Are you coming along these following dates?"

- "Yeah! I’ll be there on April 5th, I have to finish a project I’m doing with a friend, and I’ll take a plane to Canada."

- "Awesome!"- Joey was doing her best to be as normal as possible. Besides, she honestly liked Lynz- "You and Jamia! Finally, I’m not gonna be the only woman around! You have no idea how exciting this is for me. I’ve been around guys my whole life, but I really need a break after these last months. I’m actually hoping to have a girl"- Joey guided her hand to her stomach and chuckled.

- "What did Matthew say, by the way?"- the drummer sighed and closed her eyes- "Sorry, I didn’t mean to… Gerard told me what happened between you two."

- "No, don’t worry"- Joey smiled and sighed again- "Matthew is happy with the baby news."

- "That’s good."

- "He is thrilled, actually. He cried when I told him, cried during the ultrasound, cried when he realized the baby due is close to Halloween."- Joey couldn’t help but smile, remembering his face, tears filling his eyes as she told him she was pregnant. She had never imagined he would be so happy.

- "And how is everything between you two?"

- “Did that little shithead tell his wife everything going on in my life or what?!”- the drummer didn’t answer. She felt pretty awkward knowing Lynz was aware of the whole story.

- "Sorry… I didn’t mean to intrude."

- "It’s ok… I…"- Joey scratched the back of her neck, honestly nervous about explaining her mind- I’m sorry, I’m just not really used to talk about things with people.

- "No, please, I was out of place, I just… Gerard was in shock when he told me, and he said you were pretty affected"- Joey nodded and looked down.

- "Yeah, I was a mess, but I’m better now…"- the two of them stayed in silence for a few seconds, that felt like hours- "I should go back"- Joey pointed to the door, and Lynz nodded.

- "I’m sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable"

- "Don’t worry, I’ve got problems communicating with people… not just in this matter"- Joey tried to smile, though she knew she still looked pretty awkward- "It’s a long story."

- "Hey, no need to explain, really"- Lynz opened her arms and hugged her.

Joey didn’t get a thing. Why was she being so nice? Did Lynz want to be her friend? Was she being honest or just trying to be friendly under the circumstances? Did she want to get closer to her to know if she was crushed on Gerard? There were too many questions around Joey’s head, and she didn’t have the time or the energy to try to find an answer to any of them. She just hugged Lynz back and cut her a friendly smile.

The whole recording process took the entire morning and part of the afternoon. By the time they were done- and gave the kids in the audience a short show of five songs - the band and their families were ready to go home.

- "Bug, we are gonna go grab dinner together. Wanna come?"- Mikey wrapped an arm around Joey and kissed her temple as they all grabbed their things in the dressing room.

- "I’m too tired. I wanna go home."

- "Want me to go with you? Ask for some take-out? Maybe from the Vietnamese place you wanted to try, watch a movie… you know, rest before the tour that’s coming, what do you say?"- Joey smiled but declined.

- "I have plans…"- Mikey raised an eyebrow and nodded.

- "You are gonna see Gubler"- and by the tone in his voice, she knew he wasn’t happy with the news.

- "He is gonna drop by to say goodbye."

- "Sure… are you sure you are ok with him?"

- "What do you mean?"

- "You have been hanging out with him a lot."

- "No, I haven’t!"

- "Name one day this week you haven’t seen him"- Mikey furrowed his brows and crossed his arms on his chest, staring at the drummer.

- "Today?"- she answered, thinking.

- "See?"

- "He keeps bringing presents for the baby. What am I going to say? Stop being such a good dad?"

The whole band was overhearing the conversation. They were all pretty nosey, actually. And the whole Matthew/Joey drama was their favorite subject at the moment.

- "He ain’t trying to be a good dad! He is trying to win you over! Are you gonna let him break your heart again?"

That escalated quickly. Joey stood in front of his friend, not knowing what to say. Lucky for her, Lynz was the one to talk next.

- "Are you jealous, Mikey?"- though her words weren’t really the best to be spoken at the moment. The bassist looked at his sister in law almost in shock, nearly insulted.

- "Not jealous, worried. I am concerned about her ‘cos I don’t want her to get hurt again, is that a fucking sin or what?"

- "No, it’s not! I’m just asking ‘cos you sound like a jealous boyfriend worried his girlfriend is gonna cheat or whatever."

Joey hated Lynz’s comment, every single word in it, ‘cos it was meant to start a fight. Had she said it with those intentions?

- “No, she didn’t… did she? Is she trying to know if Mikey and I are into anything? No, stop being paranoid!”

- "I’m not jealous, Lynz"- Mikey’s words were cold as he responded with a serious face- "I’m just worried and taking care of her. That’s what friends do."

- "Sorry! There’s no need to get all serious."

- "Ok, dinner?"- Ray clapped and tried to lighten the mood- "Let’s go before Frank gets all cranky."

They all nodded and started walking. Gerard made sure to stay a little behind as his wife talked with Jamia and moved closer to Joey.

- "You didn’t answer my text"- he whispered, and the drummer froze in shock, even a little scared. Why was he talking to her? They had managed to spend weeks without saying a word directly to each other. Why did he decide to talk to her the only day they had been around his wife?

- "Sorry, I’ve been busy"- Joey mumbled and started walking quickly to get away from him.

- "And would we ever be friends?"- Gerard asked, following her and talking under breath, making sure no one except her could hear him.

- "Sure, if you stop saying nonsenses, we can be friends."

- "Nonsenses? You mean telling you that I love you?"- the young woman widened her eyes and turned to him immediately.

- "Don’t say that! Ever again!"

- "But I do. I am in love with you, Sugar."

- "And that’s why we can’t be friends"- Joey sentenced and walked to her car, never looking back. She said goodbye to the rest of the band, kissed Cherry and Lily a few times each, and drove home.

- “What the fuck Gerard?!”- she yelled inside her head- “What the fuck is his problem?! His wife was right here? And he keeps telling me that he loves me? is he stupid? Has the stress affected his brain functions? Did he start drinking again?”.

There was no explanation for his behavior, and it freaked Joey out, ‘cos a new leg of the tour was starting the day after, and she didn’t want to face it that way. She didn’t want to travel with Lynz knowing her husband was trying to get into her pants again.

Again, that was the worst part. Joey felt like a whore knowing what had happened with Gerard. She didn’t want to even think about it, but the image kept coming to her mind. His lips on her, kissing her jawline, her neck, her breast… If she hadn’t thought he was Matthew, would she have let him go on? If she wasn’t in love with her ex, would she had sex with Gerard, even knowing he was married?

The answer could actually scare her, ‘cos it was against everything she had ever believed in. But she thought it was possible. The only thing that kept her from having sex with Gerard was that she was in love with Matthew.

If she had sex with Gerard, would she stop loving Matthew? The girl shook her head, frowning, disgusted by her own thoughts. That was never going to be a good idea.

Gerard was in silence, staring at the food in front of him. He didn’t want to eat. He didn’t want to be there. He could hear his friends talking, his wife laughing, but all his mind could register was the fact Joey was now in her apartment with Gubler. With the guy he hated the most in the whole world. With the guy Gerard wanted to be. The guy he was jealous of. The one she loved instead of him. Just the thought of what could happen between them made him sick in the stomach.

Was she going to forgive him? Was she going to have sex with him? Was she going to marry him after all? Matthew was going to be with her that night. He was going to make her laugh, he was going to lean over her slowly and whisper sweet words in her ear. He was gonna make her blush, he was going to get her wet and cream her undies.

The singer shook his head and tried to think of anything else. But he couldn’t.

- "Are you ok?"- his wife asked, frowning- "You haven’t had a bite."

- "I’m not hungry"- Way whispered and tried his best to cut her a nice natural, all innocent smile.

- "Sure?"- Lynz touched his forehead in case he had a temperature, but he was ok- "Do you want to go home and rest?"- the singer nodded right away

- "Yes, I think I need to lay down for a while."

- "Ok, I’ll tell the guys."

Gerard was full of it. But going home and locking himself in his studio sounded like a nice idea. At least there, no one could see him freaking out over the idea of Joey being with someone else but him.

Matthew counted to ten as he stood outside his car and took three deep breaths to calm himself down. He had done the same, like a mantra, each time he walked into Joey’s apartment those days. He had to control himself from running over, from making a mistake. He had to make sure he wasn’t going to mess it up with her, Paget had told him over and over again: he only had one chance to make things right, and he couldn’t fuck it up.

His friend was the only one who knew Matthew was gonna be a dad, and she was as thrilled as he was, mostly ‘cos she knew how badly Gubler wanted to have a baby. And the fact he loved Joey more than anything made it even more perfect. Well, it would be perfect if he hadn’t cheated, but both of them hoped to fix that any time now. As soon as possible, as a matter of fact.

- "Hey"- Matthew smiled as his ex-girlfriend opened the door. She was already in her pajamas, make-up swept off her face, a messy bun on her hair, and some chocolate around her lips. Matthew had never seen her as beautiful as in that moment.

- "Shouldn’t you be quitting sugar already? We agreed no more lava cakes from this week on."

- "I’m eating the leftovers from the fridge, ‘cos it’s all gonna be rotten when I come back, and the whole place is gonna stink"- Joey answered, cleaning the corner of her mouth, turning back to the kitchen.

- "You know chocolate won’t get bad… wait, where did you get chocolate from?"- Joey turned to him and grinned.

- "Frankie got me some"- Gubler nodded and left the take-out boxes on the counter.

- "Are you hungry?"

- "Actually… I don’t know… are you?"

- "A little. But I can wait a while if you want…"- he smiled at her and stared in silence. The young woman turned away to the fridge again and opened it.

- "Anything else that’s gonna spoil while you are away?"- he asked.

- "Not much… peanut butter will live, I guess."

- "Yeah."

- "And ketchup."

- "Yeah… but ketchup was making you sick a few days ago."

- "But who knows next week..."- the conversation between them was so natural, neither of them remembered how bad things were between them for a long while.

They talked about the fridge, the new self-watering system Joey had gotten for her plants, and how excited she was to see her parents again. And that was when Matthew pushed things a little too far.

- "Are you going to tell them about the baby?"

- "I don’t know"- Joey simply answered and walked away from him. She had been walking away from him most of the time he had spent in her apartment, and he kept following her like a lost puppy through the whole place.

- "Why not?"

- "‘Cos they are gonna ask too many things. ‘Cos I want to know if everything is ok with the baby first, wait until he is twelve weeks. And mostly, ‘cos I’m gonna have to tell them you are a cheater mother fucker and that we are not getting married, and I haven’t seen them in forever… I don’t wanna ruin the trip."

- "Maybe you don’t have to tell them we broke up,"- Joey raised an eyebrow and looked at him, standing on the frame of the bathroom door, staring at her putting all her beauty products (the few she had) in a “go-to” bag.

- "Sure, Matthew"- her answer was snarky, and she refused to turn to him.

- "I mean… we don’t have to break up"

- "Again? You wanna do this again?"- her voice was annoyed, making it clear she was tired of talking about their relationship.

- "We’ve danced around the subject all week, and we haven’t properly talked about it."

- "We are over because your cock was in your ex’s mouth the night of your birthday a few weeks ago. That’s all there is to know about that subject. That’s why we are in this fucking shitty situation. And no, Matthew Gray Gubler, I am not going to forgive you! So can you just drop it?!"

A heavy silence hung in the room. Joey lost it, and she ended up yelling. She was tired, she was sad, she was stressed. And most of it, she was anxious and slightly depressed over the whole deal.

- "I’m tired of this shit! We are gonna be parents together. I swear I am doing my best to get along with you and have a healthy relationship. Still, the fact is, I am doing my best to stop fucking loving you ‘cos I am not going to get back together with you! Ever!"

Her words were full of anger, and she couldn’t stop herself from screaming at him.

Matthew looked at Joey in silence. He didn’t know what to say at that. He had a lot of ideas in his head, but all of them were probably just going to get her even more upset. And that was the last thing he wanted to do that minute. And so, he just nodded and turned around and left the room. Joey sat on the edge of the bathtub and bit her lips.

- "I got this for our baby today"- he murmured a few minutes later when he walked back to the bathroom.

- "What is it?"- Joey mumbled and looked at the iPod Matthew gave her- "What? You know the baby won’t use one of these in probably another ten years, right?"

- "It’s not the iPod, it’s what’s in it"- the drummer nodded and wondered what was in it- "I just…"

Matthew cleared his throat. Words came painfully slow from his lips as he spoke.

- "I recorded a few stories and tales and things for the baby, so they can listen to my voice while you are away. That way, they won’t forget me"- Joey’s heart ached in love at those words.

- “This is one smooth loving bastard”- she thought and took a deep breath- "Thank you, that’s very thoughtful"- he shook his head and took a few steps back from her, ‘cos he knew all his body wanted was to lean over her and kiss her.

- "It’s nothing"- he sighed and made a pause- "I’m just worried if we are not gonna be together again, my baby might forget about me."

Those words broke Joey’s already broken heart. The sadness that Matthew’s face reflected showed her how bad he was feeling and reminded her that this was also a troubled time for him. Even when he was the one that had brought those problems to their relationship.

- "I promise you, that’s never gonna happen. You are always going to be our baby’s dad, and you are always going to be part of their life, no matter what"- he nodded and looked down, biting the inner part of his cheeks.

- "I think I better go"- Joey didn’t want him to go. He didn’t want to go, but her words had been so hard, they had left him speechless. Uneasy. Depressed.

- "You…"- the young woman stood up and took a deep breath, not know what to say- "You can take your part of dinner if you want."

That was not what she wanted to say. She wanted to say, “I’m sorry I just said all that in the nastiest way possible. I fucking love you, stay with me and hold me ‘cos I am scared and sad and alone”. But that was not what came out from her lips.

Matthew nodded and walked to the kitchen. He sighed and closed his eyes as he grabbed his box of Chinese noodles. That evening hadn’t come out as he was hoping. It had actually been the complete opposite. He had fucked it up. Making Joey upset only caused more pain to the two of them. He knew she would say things in the most painful way possible, not because she wanted to, but because that’s how she reacted when hurt. Hurting back. Hurting deeper.

Joey stood in the middle of the hall, watching Matthew grab all his things and turn to her.

- "Take care"- he whispered, and she nodded slowly.

- "You too."

- "I’ll call you to know about the baby bean"- she nodded again.

- "Of course. I’ll see you when I come back, and we’ll have another check-up"- he looked at her as she whispered those words. Each one of them hurt as they left her lips, ‘cos they were goodbye words, and she didn’t want to say goodbye.

Matthew just stood there, staring at her, not knowing how to move. He didn’t have the strength to walk away from her at that moment. Still, the words she had just practically yelled at him were a warning he was pushing her, and by pushing, he was never going to make things better. He had such a sad look in his eyes, Joey took a step closer to him. He kept his eyes on hers, almost holding his breath.

- "And… thank you for being here with us"- she held her hand on her tiny belly as she spoke- "I know it’s hard and all, I just… want you to know… I appreciate it."

- "They are my baby too"- he simply answered with a short and sad smile on his lips- "I would do anything for the two of you, any day."

Joey bit her lips and took another step closer. He stood still, not knowing what to do. Joey walked slowly to him and stood right in front of him.

- "Sorry about what I said"- she managed to whisper.

- "No, Joey, please don’t apologize, you said what you said ‘cos it’s the truth, and I understand how mad you are… please don’t say you are sorry for something I brought to myself, to the two of us"- Matthew made a pause and sighed, his eyes stuck into Joey’s- "To the three of us, actually"- she nodded slowly.

- "I didn’t want you to leave with an argument if we were not going to see each other until another month"- Joey managed to murmur but couldn’t hold her eyes in Matthew’s for another second, and so she looked down.

- "I didn’t want to start a fight either…"

The two of them stayed in silence. The distance between them was so small Matthew could hold her tight if he only took one step ahead. But he controlled himself. It was one of the most challenging efforts he had ever made, and he moved his hand to her chin, lifting her face sweetly.

- "Take care, ok?"- his eyes traveled slowly from her lips to her eyes, and he noticed how her cheeks blushed sweetly.

- "Ok"- she whispered, nodding.

- "I’ll call you"- she didn’t say a thing and just nodded again. Matthew moved carefully over her and landed his lips on her forehead. It was the sweetest touch Joey had ever recalled feeling from him. So delicate and tender, and at the same time with such intense love. It was impossible for her not to close her eyes and feel her knees trembling. He stared at her in silence and smiled shyly before whispering “Goodnight” and walking out of her house.

Joey stared at the door and restrained herself from the deep desire to run after him and wrap her arms around his neck, to kiss him deeply. She didn’t. She couldn’t. She shouldn’t. Instead, she walked to her couch and laid down, wrapping her arms around her legs, feeling how warm tears fell from her eyes. How many times can a heartbreak after being broken? ‘Cos every time Matthew said goodbye, her heart ached, just like the day they broke up. And her body ached, feeling the empty space he left by her side.

- "I love you so fucking much"- she mumbled, sobbing. Tears kept falling like a waterfall until she fell asleep.

::: March 31st, 2011. Oakland :::

Mikey looked at Joey as they walked into the hotel and checked in. They had hardly shared a word that day, ever since they left California. She sat with Jamia and helped with the babies the whole trip, and her plan was to continue to do the same until it was time to play the show.

- "Are you mad?"- he asked out of the blunt as he stood next to her in the middle of the lobby, both waiting for their room keys.

- "No, why?"

- "You are not talking to me."

- "You haven’t talked to me either"- she answered with a shrug- "Are you mad at me?"- Joey furrowed her brows as she spoke, thinking maybe that was the point, and she never actually noticed it.

- "No"

- "Then?"

- "Are you ok?"

- "I’m tired and puked breakfast on the plane, you?"

- "I’m tired and drank three coffees on the plane ‘cos I couldn’t sleep"- Joey nodded at her friend’s words- "Why does it feel weird?"- Mikey pointed out and crossed his arms on his chest

- "I don’t know... - the drummer answered and looked at his shoes- "I love those boots."

- "I’m not gonna give them to you. They are not your number."

- "Shut up"- Joey cut him a short smile, and he did the same- "I hated Lynz’s comment last night"- Joey confessed and kicked Mikey’s boot friendly

- "Me too… Gerard said I was too rude to her."

- "You were, but she kind of deserved it"- Mikey chuckled at Joey’s confession- "Really, I just hated so much how she was insinuating you were jealous of whatever, considering she has no idea we are best friends!

- "I know! I thought the same"

- "That’s ‘cos we are best friends"- Joey added and smiled, giggling. Mikey looked at her and wrapped his arms around her slowly.

- "Did you have a good night after you saw that asshole?"

- "Yeah, it was ok"- Joey lied, hiding her face in his chest- "He brought dinner and left."

- "Good"- they rocked slowly, still hugged. Mikey kissed the top of her head and whispered- "I’m not jealous."

- "I know"

- "I’m just scared"

- "Why?"- Joey moved apart from him but never got an answer. Jeffrey showed up and gave them their keys.

- "Get ready. We’ve got an interview in an hour here in the conference room"- the bassist frowned, nodding.

- "Good news for me, I get to get some more sleep"- Joey added and stuck out her tongue to Mikey.

- "I hate you"

- "I know."

Gerard looked at his brother talking with Joey. He saw how they hugged. How he kissed the top of her head. How she smiled at him sweetly and hid her face on his chest. They looked like a fucking couple, and he hated everything about it.

- "Stop it"- Ray said and stood next to him- "I thought you were gonna be over your fucking obsession by now"- he pointed out with an eased tone of voice like he was just talking about the weather.

- "You are gonna fuck everything up if you keep looking at her like that"

- "What do you know?"

- "I know she won’t talk to you at all, and I think there has to be a reason I don’t know"- Gerard stayed still, pretending those hadn’t hurt him. Or scared him. He didn’t even look at Ray as he spoke.

- "And I know you like her, so stay away from her before you do something that ruins everything."

- "I’m not gonna ruin anything."

- "Your wife is gonna be here soon."

- "I love my wife."

- "I know… just try not to stare at Joey drooling, like she is the object of your undeniable desire and love when Lynz is around."

Gerard turned to his friend and tried to say something back, but nothing came out.

- "And for the love of God, don’t fuck it up!"- Ray tapped on his back and walked away.

Gerard Way was busted. He was fucked. And it was the first day of the tour.

Matthew laid on his bed and sighed. He was in Oakland, staying at a hotel two blocks from Joey’s. He had made sure not to book his room in the same place as her, to keep a safe distance in case she got too mad- which was always an option with her, especially under those circumstances. Those were the worst circumstances they had ever faced, so Matthew was being extra precautious. Even more after what had happened the night before. He was still angry with himself for pushing her too much. He had to be patient.

- “Let’s hope she won’t get angry with me for doing this.”- he thought and stared at the ceiling. He could only stay still for a minute or so. He quickly moved to his bag, grabbed a book and his phone.

- "Hey"- Joey’s voice at the other side of the line made him smile right away

- "Hello, how was your trip?"

- "It was ok"- Joey cleared her throat and looked at her feet as she walked around her room. She felt weird and awkward talking to Matthew after what had happened the night before- "How are you?"

- "I’m ok…"

- "How are you feeling from the bruises from the car crash?"

- "Like nothing ever happened"

- "Good…"- there was a silence on the line. Matthew could hear Joey’s breathing as she scratched the back of his neck and said the first thing that came to his mind.

- "So at what time is the concert tonight?"

- "At eight"

- "Good… and… are you having lunch soon?"

- "I don’t know. I was thinking about napping now and maybe grab a late bite before going to the arena."

- "Remember the nutritionist said you shouldn’t skip meals"- the drummer sighed, knowing he was right.

- "But I’m so sleepy, I’m gonna fall asleep on the table eating."

- "You couldn’t sleep last night? “God knows I couldn’t.”

- “I did. “No, I didn’t. I stayed up crying and thinking about how much I love you, damn it!”

- "Then why are you so tired?"

- "Maybe because I’m turning food into a human being"- Matthew chuckled at those words, and Joey smiled, listening to his reaction.

- "That seems to be a good reason. I’m sorry I questioned you"- the girl kept the grin on her face for a second

- "That’s ok. I should really go grab something to eat and then nap. You are right about that."

- "Talk to you later?"- he asked as casually as possible- "Maybe after the show, to know how you are feeling?"

- "Yeah, sure. Talk to you later, bye."

Matthew hung up and sighed. Just a few more hours and his plan to get his girl back would start. His stomach tightened as he imagined what Joey was gonna say when she saw him. Was she going to be mad? Was she going to be happy? Was the band going to hit him? There were too many questions for him to answer, so he did the only thing he could do: lay on his bed and grab the book he was carrying.

Jamia, the babies, and Joey had lunch together. The drummer loved having her around ‘cos she wasn’t alone back in the hotel all the time like she was in Europe, and that meant less time to overthink everything. She loved hanging out with Jamia ‘cos she was too nice and understanding with her. It felt like they could be friends. Jamia considered Joey her friend already, meanwhile the young woman still had trouble opening up with people.

Though she had to be honest with herself. The latest months had changed a lot of the things that made her a loner. It was all Matthew and My Chem. Except for Gerard. But for Joey, Gerard wasn’t really in the picture anymore. He was the guy she needed and wanted to avoid at any cost. Even if that cost meant to leave the band.

- "So… have you thought of any name already?"- Jamia and Joey were at the drummer’s room. The babies were napping, and the two women were laid on the bed, eating Oreos.

- "Not really… I just…"

- "It’s not real yet?"

- "It’s so not real yet"- Joey whispered and chuckled- "I keep looking at the ultrasound, and I can’t believe there’s a baby in my tummy… I bet I ate a sea monkey at some point, and that’s what’s been growing inside me"- Jamia snorted as she tried to keep it down and nearly laughed out loud.

- "Wait until the sea monkey starts kicking. That’s the weirdest thing of all"

- "You are not making it magical, J"- Joey made a pause and chuckled- "You are so gonna be J from now on"- and Jamia smiled.

- "Sounds nice coming from you."

- "Good, ‘cos I think I’ve got no more brain cells to think of anything else."

- "Oh honey! You are just starting!"- Mrs. Iero tapped on her friend’s leg as the two of them laid back next to the babies- "You have months of exciting emotions, like pregnancy arousal, cravings, hormonal changes, hair coming in weird places, and my personal favorite, pregnancy brain"- Joey frowned disgustedly.

- "I’m afraid to ask about the arousal, the hair, and the brain shit"

- "Whenever you are ready, I am here."

- "You are my Jamia San Kenobi"- Joey chuckled and sighed- "My pregnancy Jedi master"- and Jamia smiled.

- "I’m glad I can help"- and after a few minutes, they were both asleep as well.

The doors to the theater opened at five, and Matthew ran inside to make sure to grab a spot on the first row. He nearly tackled a few teenagers to get there. But he did and sighed, relieved at his success.

- "Hey! Where are you? did you make it?"- Paget called and didn’t even say hello to her friend. She just started asking questions right away, making him chuckle.

- "Hey! Yeah, I’m in Oakland, already at the theater. It’s a very cool venue, small, intimate… I’m almost sure Joey is gonna get to see me."

- "Are you in the first row?"

- "Of course, I am"

- "Good"- Paget smiled and nodded- "We miss you around here."

- "I’ll be there when everything is ok."

- "We know."

- "Is anyone mad at me?"- and Paget chuckled.

- "No, actually everybody thinks you are the sweetest and most romantic guy on earth following your girlfriend like that."

- "I’m following her to get her to be my girlfriend again, actually."

- "You get the point"- and Matthew chuckled- "Ok, Gubler, gotta go, please call me and tell me how this went."

- "Of course!"

- "Hey! Wait! Did you make a banner?"

- "Yes! I remembered your advice and got a banner."

- "What does it say?"

- “The distance is nothing when one has a motive”- the actor confessed proudly

- "Pride and Prejudice?"- Paget asked, puzzled.

- "Yes, her favorite, I’m making her banners with quotes from her favorite books"- and his friend sighed.

- "Stop it! I am gonna end up falling for you!"- and the actor chuckled- "If she doesn’t take you back, I am single!"

- "Shut up!"- Paget laughed, knowing Matthew had blushed, though he knew she was joking.

- "Call me later."

- "Sure thing!"

Joey kept jumping on her spot. She was backstage, feeling really psyched to play that day. She didn’t really know why. Maybe it was the two hours nap she had taken that afternoon with Cherry and Lily. Perhaps the fun size Snicker Mikey had just given her, breaking her meal plan on the first day on the road.

- "You look extra happy today"- and it all stopped the second she heard Gerard’s voice next to her.

- "Hey, yeah… I think it’s a sugar rush"- she answered and looked around, feeling safer knowing everybody was around her, including Jamia and the babies.

- "How are you feeling?"

- "Good"- Joey smiled and nodded- "You?"

- "Good… but I’m not pregnant"- the girl smiled and looked away from him, trying to keep that conversation as casual and distant as possible.

- "You look gorgeous, by the way"- Gerard whispered and even blushed as he moved a little closer to her- "I guess it’s true pregnant women glow and grow in beauty."

Joey took a step back and gulped as she felt her cheeks burning red as Gerard just continued talking.

- "‘Cos each time I see you, you catch my breath."

- "Please don’t..."

- "I’m just being nice"- Gerard smiled, pretending to look as innocent as possible.

- "You and I both know that’s not what you are doing."

- "Hey Iceland"- Frankie appeared all of a sudden and wrapped an arm around the young girl, kissing her temple and giving Gerard a glare that forced the singer to take a few steps back.

- "What are you guys talking about?"- and Joey sighed, relieved to feel him next to her, like a little guardian angel, though Frank Iero had nothing angelic.

- "I was just telling Joey she looks gorgeous today and that pregnant women are beautiful"- Gerard answered like it wasn’t a big deal at all. Joey wanted to run away or hide under a rock. Frank just tightened his arm around her and nodded.

- "Yes, she does… wanna help with my warm-up?"

That was the most random question Iero could come up with that second, but it didn’t matter, ‘cos Joey smiled and quickly said yes, escaping from Gerard’s presence. But not from his eyes that followed her through the room. He wasn’t worried anyone could see how much he loved her, ‘cos he didn’t want to hide it anymore. Not until Lynz was there, at least. But that was a problem he would face when the right time came, in a week or so.

- "What can I help you with, Jersey?"- Joey asked as Frank grabbed a few kettlebells and started making bicep curls.

- "Absolutely nothing, you just looked like you wanted to get the fuck away from him, and I decided to rescue you"- the young woman wanted to deny it all, but at that point, she was just so glad Frank had taken her away from Gerard, she just nodded and smiled.

- "You are such a smart guy"

- "You are gonna make me blush…"

- "Can I use one?"- she casually asked, pointing out the kettlebell.

- "Definitely not! You’re not lifting any weight until we talk with your doctor"- Joey rolled her eyes and shook her eyes.

- "We already did that. I am ok to work out… I just can’t… run and… carry heavyweights"- Frank raised an eyebrow, and she smiled guilty- "Sorry, I just love lifting weights."

- "Have your baby first, then we care gonna train like we are fucking CrossFit athletes"- the soon-to-be mother chuckled and reached out her hand to her friend.

- "Jersey, we’ve got a date."

The crowd was running anxious, and so was Matthew. He had stayed put on his spot in the first row, right in front of the drumset like his life depended on it, no matter how much kids would try to push him away.

- “This is gonna work, this is gonna work, this is gonna work,”- he kept repeating in his head as he felt the weight of two thousand people pushing him against the security fence.

The crowd started yelling louder and jumping as the band appeared on stage. And along with them came his girl.

His breath was caught in his throat as he looked at her walking to the drum, a huge smile lodged on her lips. She looked so happy, happy like she had always looked when playing. There was nothing Joey loved more than her job. She had fought so much to get there, Matthew could barely get a glimpse of how good she felt playing as a professional drummer.

Looking at her sitting behind the drum in a My Chemical Romance concert, with that sweet and happy grin on her face, made him fall a thousand times harder in love with her. He felt proud of her and jealous of all the people who had been able to see her glowing in joy in the latest months when he had been away from her.

- “You fucked it up! Now fix it!”

Gubler never noticed the countdown of the music had started, and all the kids were yelling every word in “Look Alive Sunshine” until Gerard’s voice took him from his thoughts. Joey started playing, and the singer yelled.

- Oakland!! Make some noise!!- and the show started.

The whole crowd jumped, and Matthew jumped along with them, his eyes locked in Joey, who was lost in her drum. He smiled, watching how her lips now moved along with the song, murmuring the lyrics. Of course, she had toured with them long enough to learn all the lyrics of each song. She would probably deny it but sing them in the shower when she knew no one was listening.

The first one who spotted Matthew was Mikey. He frowned as he looked at Gubler standing in the first row, not getting what the fuck was going on. But Matthew never cared -he hadn’t actually considered- the fact the band could spot him in the audience. There was no one else on that stage but Joey for him, and that’s why she was the only person he had eyes for.

As soon as “Na Na Na” ended, Mikey walked to Frank. The intro of “Mama” started, so the bassist talked as fast as possible.

- "Dude, Gubler is here"- Iero looked at him frowning- "The first row, staring at Joey"- Frank looked over and saw him. He hadn’t seen him ever since New Year, and if there was one thing the Jersey boy was dying to do was to break Matthew’s face so hard no one would ever recognize him again.

- "Mother fucker"- he said and didn’t take his eyes from the actor- "I’m gonna kill him!"

But at the moment, he didn’t have the chance, ‘cos he had to play a show. But for a second, he and Mikey shared a look and turned to Joey. She was playing, eyes shut, smiling. They knew she still had no idea what was going on. And that was ok for them.

It wasn’t long until Gerard found the actor. It wasn’t hard to see him ‘cos he was the tallest guy in the front row and the only one who wasn’t looking at him. Matthew was the guy who stood still, hypnotized with each movement of the drummer, drooling over her like a kid staring at his first love. Gerard felt how his whole body shook in anger. Even his hands shook with a deep desire to kill him. Right there, in front of everybody. But he couldn’t. He had to keep on singing, keep on playing. Keep on pretending everything was ok, not just for the show and the kids, but for Joey too. He kept wishing she hadn’t seen him yet. Maybe she could never see him.

But the singer needed to let Gubler know he was fucked. And so he stood right in front of him, at the very edge of the stage, and managed it to catch his eyes. Both of them looking at each other in such deep hate, it was obvious the pair knew they despised each other. Gerard didn’t think about it twice. He had the higher ground. It would be a shame not to take advantage. And so, he spit on Matthew, and an evil smirked lodged on him as he saw him cleaning his face in anger. That was a little piece of sweet, sweet revenge. But it still wasn’t enough to make the actor pay for everything he had put Joey through.

Ray widened his eyes when he spotted Matthew, just the second Gerard spitted on him. He saw the whole moment in action and knew it was gonna be hell after the show. What was Gubler doing there? Trying to get Joey back. Ray knew that moment was gonna come, eventually. Toro knew how much Matthew loved her. It was crystal clear for everybody to see.

Ray was the only one who could keep a cold head to analyze the whole picture, and that’s why he always tried to remind his friends Joey and Matthew weren’t a subject they could decide on. It wasn’t something related to them at all, though they were friends with her. They were their own thing, a thing they could merely watch but never ever control. It was clear neither of his friends had listened, and so Toro sighed. He was going to have to stop a big fight after that concert.

- "The next song"- Gerard said after “House of Wolves” was over. It was Joey’s favorite song, and they played it as often as possible- "It’s about being a kid, about you being a kid, about me being a kid, about us being a kid, about you having a kid"- Joey raised her eyes from the drums and looked straight into Gerard’s eyes. That’s when she heard him.

- "Yami!!"- it was Matthew’s voice, but it couldn’t be. Joey frowned and looked around.

- "Yami!!"- he yelled and raised the banner. Frank, Mikey, and Gerard looked at him in the most honest and pure hate anyone could have ever seen from them. Ray tried to concentrate on Joey. She was the one he cared about at that second. And when he saw the puzzled expression on her face as she looked at him, asking what was going on, Ray couldn’t control himself and pointed at the actor.

Joey’s heart stopped. It was Matthew, it was really him, standing there, on the first row of the concert, staring at her with the biggest smile anyone had ever had around her in her life. And he was holding a banner that read, “The distance is nothing when one has a motive.” She couldn’t move. She didn’t know what to do. He just smiled at her and mouthed, “I love you.”

- "Bug!! Bug, are you ok?"- Mikey waved in front of the drum and looked worried at the girl. She just nodded at him and then at Frankie, who stood next to the bassist.

- "Yeah, I’m ok"- she smiled and started counting. It was time to play “Kids from yesterday.”

Everybody loved that song, and she wasn’t going to fuck it up, not even if her eyes and mind were stuck looking at Matthew in front of her, as he kept smiling like a kid on Christmas morning as she played.

Gerard stared at the scene, and it felt he was gonna make a tantrum in the middle of the stage. Joey was staring at Matthew, and her whole face had lit up, even if she didn’t want to. And just like a little child, Gerard made sure to stand right between the two of them to stop them from looking at each other. And like if they could all build a fortress, Frank and Mikey stood around the drumset, protecting Joey, trying to make sure Matthew knew he wasn’t going to get anywhere near her, over their dead bodies.

Matthew didn’t give a damn. He just wanted to look at her. He just wanted her to know she was the most important person in his life and that he was willing to drop anything and everything just to be near her.

The song was ending. Joey kept playing drums, her eyes glued to Matthew’s, until Mikey stared at her, counting the beat at the song’s end. She nodded at her friend and kept playing, both of them, the two of them, to finish the song together, just like they had done for over five months now, in perfect timing. Joey loved that part, and he knew it, ‘cos it was the only part of the show they had a little solo. Mikey was happy Matthew didn’t take that moment from them. At least he felt Joey was still in the zone, playing and being present at the show and not lost in thoughts.

Joey was lost in thoughts, she was making her best to play a good show. But Matthew’s appearance had moved the ground underneath her feet. It had been the biggest and warmest surprised she had had in a long time.

“I’m not ok” set the mood for the rest of the concert. No one on that stage was ok. But Gerard was the one affected the most. He would sing, giving his back to the audience and looking at Joey as often as possible. He knew that was going to drive Matthew insane, but it also helped him stay focused.

His eyes locked in Joey’s face tried to read her. She looked… happier. And that hurt, ‘cos though Gerard knew she didn’t love him back, it didn’t help to know he was still in her heart. It was so obvious she was in love with him even a blind man would see it. Even Joey would try to keep her eyes shut or look away, she would always end up looking at Matthew, and Gerard could swear a smile lodged on her lips each time she saw the actor. It made him want to punch a wall, or Gubler’s face, whatever came first.

- "Give me all your fucking money!!"- Gerard yelled and ran to the drum set as Joey started playing “Vampire Money” with a huge smile- "Are you ready, Ray!!"

- "Yeah!"

- "How about you, Sugar?"

- "Yeah!!"

- "How about you, Frank?"

- "Fuck you, Gubler!"- he answered, and Joey turned to him in shock, though Iero looked at her with the cutest and most adorable smile on earth.

- "How about you, Mikey?"- Gee yelled

- "Fucking ready!"

- "I think I’m alright."

Gerard would always call Joey “Bug” when he addressed her in that part of the show. It was the only moment of the day he could call her by a nickname, and “Bug” was her official band nickname. But that day, Way wanted to make a difference. He wanted to make it sound a little more personal than it was in real life. “Sugar” fit perfectly, and in his mind, Gerard would always call her Sugar.

Somehow, being so angry brought a different energy to the band while playing. They were mad into it. Gerard sang as his life depended on it, while Mikey wouldn’t stop moving, and looking in the most threatening way possible at Gubler, every once in a while. Frank would jump and yell and shout, playing his guitar with the energy of a caffeinated hyper ten years old. Matthew never even saw them. He couldn’t care less. All there was for him on that stage was Joey behind the drum, looking at him with the corner of her eye every couple of minutes.

She didn’t know what to think or what to feel. She was in shock. What was Matthew doing there? What was he going to do next? What was he planning? Joey needed to run away from that stage and hide under a gigantic pillow ‘cos she had no idea how to face what was going on, though, at the same time, she was dying to run to Matthew and hug him. She just felt so good to know he had followed her to see her one more time. She felt special like he always made her feel.

Gerard started singing Cancer, and Joey turned to one side of the stage. Jamia looked at her, literally waving. She could perfectly read her lips, “What the fuck?” and the drummer could only shrug.

- "Hey"- Mikey appeared in front of the drummer and cut him a quick, shy smile- "Are you ok?"

- "Yeah, just surprised."

- "You knew?"

- "I had no idea"- he nodded and looked around

- "Just a few more songs, then we can go hide and eat a pretty good dinner"- Joey smiled at him and watched him walk back to his side of the stage.

But Joey didn’t want to hide in her room and eat dinner with Mikey. Though she refused to admit it, all she wanted to do was to stand in front of Matthew and feel his eyes fondling her skin as he talked to her, just like he was doing at that moment, from a distance. She could feel his eyes running up and down her skin, though she didn’t look at him.

Jamia nearly jumped on Joey as soon as the girl reached backstage. The babies were miraculously sound asleep. No one got how, considering a huge rock concert had been happening that whole time a few meters away from them.

- "Oh my god, what the fuck??!"- Jamia made her best to whisper/scream to not wake the babies, but to make Joey wide open her eyes and frown.

- "I swear I have no idea!!"

- "He is adorable!!"

- "He is a cheater Jamia"- Frank interrupted his wife and took off his shirt, frowning- "And you shouldn’t be that excited. He is just trying to win her over."

- "He is being romantic, Frank"- Jamia corrected him and looked at Joey again- "What are you gonna do?"

- "I don’t know"

- "Call him!!"

Jamia was the closest to a best friend from high school Joey had ever had. Sure, back in the days, she had Tabatha, but her friend had her share of social life, and Joey was always shut down to any kind of social interaction. Now Jamia was talking about boys and telling her to call one. If that was high school talk, Joey had no idea what it was.

But before she could actually make a decision, her phone rang in her backpack, and J widened her eyes in excitement.

- "I swear to God, Jamia! you are just acting like this ‘cos you think he is hot!"- Frank turned around to see his wife, clearly annoyed, as Joey grabbed her phone and held it tight in her hands, not knowing what to do.

- "I’m just being honest with my friend. He is being cute and asking for a second chance. Coming unannounced to a concert with a cute banner is the sweetest thing I’ve seen a guy doing for love!"- Jamia stopped talking, and Joey’s cell stopped ringing. She looked at it feeling disappointed, until a second later, it started ringing again.

- "For Christ’s sake! Answer!"- Jamia sounded annoyed, and Joey did as told, not really thinking about her own actions. She just… deep down wanted to do it.

- "Hello?"

- "Hey..."- Matthew stood still in the middle of the arena, waiting for the kids to leave the place, he was anxious to know what Joey thought of what he had done, and though he had thought about waiting for a while to call her, he just couldn’t control himself.

- "What was that?"- Joey asked, blushing, as she locked herself in the bathroom.

- "That was me dying to see you, traveling to Oakland to be with you, even from a distance"

- "Why did you do that?"- Joey managed to ask, feeling she was nearly mumbling each word.

- "‘Cos I love you, ‘cos I miss you…"

Neither of them was able to say another word. Matthew was nervous and didn’t know how Joey managed the whole situation, though her voice sounded peaceful and calm. That should be a good sign.

- "You shouldn’t have…"- she whispered and felt her heart was about burst inside her chest

- "Do you wanna come out for a minute and talk?"- she wanted to, so badly, but it scared her to think what would happen if Frank, or even Gerard, got near Gubler.

- "Where are you?"

- "Still here"

- "You haven’t moved?"

- "Nop"- Matthew smiled and looked around- "I don’t know if they are planning to kick me out though"

- "Give me five minutes, I’ll change into something dry, and I’ll be right there."

Gerard Way was in hell. Literally burning alive as he watched Joey walking out of the bathroom in a fresh shirt and combed hair made a ponytail. She had even fixed her makeup.

- “God! She even got pretty for him!! What the fuck?! How can she be so eager to forgive him?!”- his eyes could burn holes in the wall as he did his best to look away from Joey.

- "Hey Bug, what are you gonna do?"- Mikey asked her as he stood next to her and held her hands. Gerard hated that too. He had managed to decode each movement from his brother around Joey like he was her couple. Lynz’s words had really fucked up with his brain. And if he was jealous of Mikey before, now it was turning into something worse.

- "I’m gonna go talk to him"

- "Are you sure that’s a good idea?"- Mikey looked worried, but Joey smiled at him and held his hand tighter.

- "Yeah, don’t worry, I’m gonna be ok."

- "If he does anything to you, I’m gonna break his fucking face"- Frank added from the other side of the room, already in a clean shirt and now holding one of the babies in his arms. For someone who sounded so threatening, he surely didn’t look the part.

- "It’s ok kids, let Joey take her own decisions, ok?"- Ray finally spoke up and sighed- "She knows we are here for her no matter what, but she has to do what her heart tells her to do."

- "Thank you, dad, but don’t think for a minute I’m gonna forgive him"

- "Even if you do, Bug. You will always count on me"- the guitarist walked to her and kissed her temple.

- "Best dad ever"- she whispered and opened the door.

Matthew felt his heart stop in his chest when he saw her walking over to him. He did the only thing that came to his mind and raised the banner he still held in his hands, so she could find him. It wasn’t hard to see him. There weren’t many people left at the arena, mostly just the crew setting everything to go.

- "Hey"- Joey said and waved as she walked to him and stood right in front of him. Just like she had imagined, she could feel the warmth of her eyes traveling down her face as he stared at her in pure bliss and love.

- "Hey"- he replied and smiled. He didn’t really want to talk. He didn’t know what to say. All he could think of was to kiss her and hold her tight.

- "What are you doing here, Matthew?"- she finally asked and crossed her arms on her chest to remind herself she couldn’t feel anything but anger against him and that she shouldn’t be so happy to see him. Or worse, she shouldn’t be showing him how happy she was to see him.

- "I just wanted you to know how much I love you"

- "By traveling to San Francisco to see a show?"

- "With a handmade banner"- he added and smiled.

- “That damn fucking adorable smile is gonna be the end of me,”- Joey sighed, thinking what to say next, making her best to stay calmed and not drooling over him.

- "That was a good touch."

- "Thanks, just like Lizzy, I would walk any distance just to be with you ‘cos you are my whole purpose."

Joey nodded, melting inside, as she made her best to stay cold and look indifferent. She didn’t know if it was working, but she wanted to believe so.

- "I’m not gonna forgive you just 'cos you showed up unannounced to a show"- that was all that came to her mind, it wasn’t the most intelligent answer, but it was all she had.

- "I wasn’t expecting you to forgive me today"- he simply replied and shrugged. There was a weird mix of security and happiness around his whole attitude Joey couldn’t wrap her mind around.

- "Good"- that was the whole answer she could give him, furrowing her brows. Matthew stared at her in silence for a second and took a step forward, closing the gap between them a little.

- "It was an amazing show, by the way"- he said and smiled. Joey’s knees shook as a response.

- "Thanks"- she whispered and looked down

- "How’s the little bean?"

- "Good… floating, I guess. I’ve felt pretty good today."

- "That’s great"- the two of them nodded at the same time and stayed quiet- "Remember to play the tracks I made for the bean."

- "Yeah, I will tonight."

- "They are just for the baby, so no peeking, ok?"- Matthew’s voice felt velvety as he talked close to Joey. She managed to raise her eyes from the ground, and Gubler swore his heart could be heard from any corner of that arena as it beat harder just to feel her looking at him.

- "I’ll put the headphones on the belly, so it will be the first secret you can share with your baby"- she smiled at the end of her answer, and Matthew held his breath.

- "That’s the cutest thing I could think of"- he mumbled, and the two of them stared in silence, sharing a moment that was a mix between love and angst.

Joey was still fighting to get away from him and stay mad at him. She had to play over and over again, like an old movie, the pictures she saw of Matthew cheating, just to keep herself from wrapping her arms around his neck.

- "Does she look in pain to you?!"- Jamia pushed Frank back as he kept trying to walk towards Joey and Matthew and drag her away from him.

- "She is gonna cry! He is gonna make her cry!"

- "Frank! This is not your war! Look at them and tell me they are not in love! If this was a cartoon, there would be hearts above their heads!"- Jamia was right, but Frank didn’t want to listen.

- "Hey!! Asshole!!"- Frank yelled, and Joey turned to him, frowning- "Stay the fuck away from her!!"

- "Oh shit!"- the words sneaked through her lips as Matthew looked at Frank and didn’t find anything better to do but to wave, infuriating Iero even more- "You know he wants to kill you, right?"

- "I am aware… the way they all looked at me made it pretty clear during the show, Gerard actually spit on my face."

The way Matthew said, it didn’t sound like it was a big deal. But it was, and Joey’s eyes were wide open as soon as she heard him.

- "He did what??!"- and she shouted- "Who the fuck does he think he is??!"

The young woman’s face was red in anger, and she quickly turned around and headed to the backstage area. But Matthew stopped her, grabbing her hand quickly.

- "Hey! Hey! Calm down, it’s ok! I don’t care!"

- "But I care!! This has nothing to do with him! He is not even my friend!! What the fuck does he think he is doing?!"

Unfortunately, the scene didn’t really look good from a distance, and Frank watching them, not getting what they were talking about, could only see his friend trying to get rid of Matthew and him not letting her go.

- "Take your hands off her!!"- Frank shouted and ran over, Jamia following close behind- "I said let go!!"- he pushed Matthew and put an arm in front of Joey, trying to keep her back.

- "What the fuck, dude?"- Joey shouted.

- "I don’t want him to hurt you, Bug!"

- "I’m not hurting her!!"- Matthew frowned, feeling insulted- "Why would I hurt the mother of my baby?!"

- "He ain’t hurting me!!"- Joey supported him, ‘cos Frank actually ignored Gubler’s words

- "Doesn’t look like he is being pretty nice either!!"

- "Frank! Stop it! Joey says nothing is going on!"- Jamia held Frank’s arm as Matthew tried to cool down the mood.

- "Hey! Nothing is going on"- Gubler used the calmest voice he could to talk to Iero- "I understand you wanna protect Joey from me ‘cos I was an asshole and fucked it up, but I am not gonna hurt her!! Ok?"

- "What fuck do you know! You broke her, and I am not gonna let you near her again!"- and just like the day Mikey had told him the same, Matthew’s heart tightened in his chest, listening to Frank yelling how badly he had hurt the woman he loved.

- "I can take care of myself!!"- Joey shouted- "So stop it! Now let me go kill that mother fucker!!"- the drummer turned around and started jogging to the dressing room. But Matthew followed her quickly and grabbed her hand again.

- "Please don’t! Joey, I don’t care! He can do whatever he wants to do. That ain’t gonna stop me!"

- "You don’t get it! I hate the guy! And the fact he thinks he can come and spit on your face like he is the fucking king of the world, or that he can avenge my sorrow, it’s wrong!!"- Joey pushed and let go of Matthew’s grip and continued her way until she opened the door and found Gerard, Mikey, and Ray playing with the twins.

- "Hey Bug"- Mikey turned and smiled, but Joey ignored him, ‘cos her eyes were locked on Gerard’s, staring at him with pure hate.

- "What the fuck is your problem, kúkalabbi (scumbag)?"- she spit every word with contempt- "You fucking think you can come and do whatever you want ‘cos you are the fucking lead singer of a band?"

Gerard frowned, though he had a hint of what might have happened.

- "I don’t care what the fuck came through your mind at the moment! You can’t spit on someone’s face! You can’t spit on Matthew’s face!"

Mikey wide opened his eyes as soon as he heard those words. Even for him, that was a little too much.

- "Joey, I think I can…"- Gerard tried to explain.

- "Haltu kjafti! (shut up!) No, you can’t!"- but Joey shut him up in a second- "This is my problem, my battle, and my fucking business!! You have no right in trying to avenge me! None!"

- "He fucking cheated on you, and you are mad at me?!"- he frowned, surprised, not getting what was going on.

- "Yes! I am mad at you! You are not even my friend, and you were doing shit I never asked you or wished for you to do!"

- "If I want to spit on his face, I can fucking do it!"- Gerard shouted back- "I hate the fucking bastard!"

- "So I can spit on yours then!!"- and Joey was about to do it when Matthew rushed and covered her mouth.

- "No! No! No!"- he held her tight, but sweetly- "Calm down! please! Calm down!"

- "What the fuck are you doing here?!"- and Gerard freaked out at the sight of Gubler- "Get the fuck out!"

- "I will be gone as soon as Joey asks me to leave"- Matthew simply answered and looked into Gerard’s eyes with the same hate yet calm he had the last time he saw Way at Mikey’s New Year’s eve party.

- "Who the fuck do you think you are?! Get out before I kick you out!"- at that point, Jamia and Frank were in the room as well. Jamia had an eye put on her babies, playing in their cart, while holding Frank back to keep him from getting into that fight.

- "Stop it!"- Joey managed to move from Matthew’s grip and looked into Gerad’s eyes in a fury- "I hate you!"

She didn’t yell, but her words were a dagger and cold as ice. The honesty was evident. Maybe now Gerard was going to understand he had to step back. She looked at him in the eyes for a second, then grabbed her things and stormed out, followed closely by Matthew.

- "What the fuck?"- Mikey asked to break the awkward silence that hung in the room after Joey had stormed out.

- "I spit on his face today, when I saw him there, looking at her with his stupid fucking puppy eyes, I just… lost it and spit on him- Gerard murmured, and his voice broke.

She hated him. She meant it. How was he going to win her back if she hated him? Jamia’s jaw fell as soon as she heard him. One thing was hating the guy, even trying to punch him, but spitting on someone’s face, that was… well, it seemed offensive and degrading. It was over the top.

- "Not that I wouldn’t think about doing something like it, but…"- Frank started, but Jamia’s eyes stopped him

- "That was out of line, Gerard"- Ray said with a calm, though stern tone of voice- "I told you all, the only thing you are gonna accomplish by acting like a bunch of possessive friends is to push her away. If you all call yourself her friends, you can’t fucking do this shit!"

It felt like Ray was scolding his kids. Mikey wanted to argue, but it was true, just like the day he had hit Matthew in Joey’s house, and she had freaked out and gotten mad at him.

- "I would do it again if I could"- Gerard whispered and sat down, fighting the urges of smoking a cigarette.

- "That’s why you ain’t her friend"- Ray added, and the look coming from Way’s eyes let him know he wasn’t happy with the reply- "Her words, not mine."

Matthew followed Joey on her way out of the arena. The cold air hit her skin and made her shiver as they stood foot outside the building.

- "Here"- he quickly took his hoodie off and gave it to her. She didn’t argue. She was too mad to argue about anything else. She was also too mad to talk about it. She just wanted to walk away from everything. Walk and ease her mind.

- "Excuse me, Joey?"- a girl walked over with a huge smile and forced her to take her eyes from the ground- "Can I have your autograph, please?"- Matthew wide opened his eyes in amazement. Joey quickly smiled and grabbed a sharpie from her bag. She signed the girl’s ticket to the show and smiled for a selfie with her.

- "Wow"- Matthew chuckled as the girl was gone- "That was…"

- "Weird, I know"

- "That was amazing! Kids are reacting to your work! Kids are looking at you and being excited about what you do! I am so fucking proud!"- he didn’t really stop himself to think. He just wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tight.

- "Thanks"- she whispered and felt how her cheeks turned pink- It’s still pretty weird. It’s not something that happens all the time, but…

- "It’s impressive, Joey!"- Matthew nearly yelled- "I mean it, sometimes it shocks me how cooler and greater you can be!"

He sounded honest. He sounded proud. Joey’s heartbeat in joy with those words but didn’t say a word. She was thankful it was night, and the street lights weren’t illuminating his face properly, or he would be able to see how blushed and nervous she was.

- "Don’t overreact"- she murmured and kept on walking in silence. Matthew sighed and walked with her, stuffing his hands in his pocket to stop himself from trying to hold her hand.

- "Are you hungry?"- he asked after a while

- "No"

- "When was your last meal?"

- "An apple and a fun size Snicker before the show"

- "Mikey keeps controlling your candies?"

- "Yes… but Jamia is a horrible influence"- Joey chuckled at the thought of the two of them that afternoon acting like kids- "She gives me Oreos"

- "That’s drugs!"- Matthew acted shocked- You shouldn’t!

- "I know! But they are so good!"- the drummer smiled. Talking about anything was better than addressing the pink elephant in the room.

- "And how’s Jamia?"

- "Great, she is baby training me with the twins."

- "That’s very nice of her"

- "Yeah, and the babies are the sweetest…"- Joey made a pause and sighed- "She is the only rooting for you."

- "I knew I liked her for a reason."

- "Frank keeps saying it’s because she has the hots for you."

- "She doesn’t"

- "She totally does"- and the young woman laughed at her own words. Matthew only smiled widely to hear her happy for a moment- "I was actually considering selling Frank a picture of you in underwear for her birthday."

- "Double the price, and we go halfsies"- Gubler answered and chuckled- "I can even pose like a french model."

- "Deal"- there was a silence between them that lasted a few minutes. Gubler didn’t know what to say, and Joey didn’t know either.

- "Are you sure you are not hungry?"- he asked, just to ask anything

- "Do you think I overreacted back there?"- she just spit it. She was scared she had exaggerated the whole deal, and now the guys were going to fire her. Gerard could. He definitely should after how she acted with him. He was, after all, the closest thing she had to a boss. They were all the people she worked for, not with.

- "No, Joey, you didn’t… I mean… I really don’t care how he acts with me ‘cos I know he is a mother fucker asshole in love with you."

Joey’s heart froze at those words. She widened her eyes and looked at Matthew. She had almost forgotten he had always said that about Gerard. And he was absolutely right.

- "I know it’s true. I don’t care what he says, he is crystal clear, but that’s not the point."

- "The point is, I totally yelled at him in front of everybody, told him I hated him and stormed out the room like a brat after I tried to spit on his face… thank you for stopping me, by the way."

- "You are very welcome"- Matthew sighed and looked at his hand- "You totally spit on me, though"- he joked and cleaned his hand on Joey’s sleeve.

- "Gross!!"- she argued and chuckled- "This is your hoodie, by the way"

- "Damn it!"- the two of them smiled and just walked around.

- "Maybe I could eat some pizza"- Joey whispered and pointed to a little restaurant in the next corner

- "Pizza it is."

Mikey looked at his clock as he stared at the ceiling in his room. It was eleven-thirty, no news from Joey. He was worried but didn’t want to call her, ‘cos after hearing Ray talking, he didn’t want to push her away. He didn’t want to make her feel like he was mad at her. He was just worried. Worried as fuck. Feared to lose her, to see her sad again. Worried she might leave forever.

A knock on the door made him jump from his bed and run to the answer. It was Gerard. He looked like shit. Mikey left the door open and let him in, walking back to his bed.

- "How are you?"- his question was pretty stupid considering Gerard’s puffy eyes.

- "I fucked it up, right?"

- "Yeah… but in your defense…"- Mikey stayed quiet and thought about his words- "Well…"

- "I know, it wasn’t the way to deal with him"

- "It definitely wasn’t… but I don’t think it was so bad on its own. I think when you mix this with all the stupid shit you’ve done to Joey."

- "I haven’t done anything"

- "But keep harassing her and telling her that you love her"- Gerard groaned, annoyed, and laid back on the bed, hiding his face under his hands.

- "But I love her"

- "Dude! You are mad if you think this shit is gonna work. She clearly loves him. I’m starting to think she is gonna forgive him though I don’t want her to. And you are fucking married. There is no way you can get anything with her."

- "But maybe..."

- "She doesn’t love you, Gerard!"- Mikey shouted- "She doesn’t! You never stood a chance! And now she hates you! You can’t even be her friend. After today, you can’t even fucking try! You dig your own grave!"

Gerard heard his younger brother’s words. He wasn’t even sugarcoating it. Maybe that way, Gee would understand. Maybe he was doing it ‘cos he loved him. Mikey was being tuff ‘cos he was also pretty tired of his brother’s attitude. Gerard wasn’t being rational. He was acting like an animal, with no clear thoughts, just based on his instincts.

- "And what do I do now?"- Way whispered, and Mikey sighed.

- "Start with apologizing and pray she doesn’t want to leave the band"- the singer wide opened his eyes. He hadn’t thought about that, but it was a serious chance. Maybe he had pushed her too far.

- "Do you think she can quit?"

- "I don’t know what can happen. She isn’t the kind of girl who can take these kinds of things very easily"

- "If she can forgive Matthew, she can forgive me"- Gerard thought out loud

- "She loves him, she hates you, you do the math."

- "But we are in the middle of a tour. She can’t leave like that."

- "I think the same, but it all depends on her."

- "What does Ray think of this?"

- "I haven’t talked to him"- Gerard grabbed his phone and dialed Toro’s number.

Ray frowned as he stared at the brothers. Mikey was lying on the bed, looking at his phone, waiting for a call or a text from Joey. Gerard was walking in circles in the room, rambling about making Joey stay in the band.

- "If she wants to leave, she can leave"- Toro said when there was finally silence in the room. Both Ways looked at him, shocked, but Ray just smiled- "Hey! It’s her fucking decision! Not ours!"

- "Do you want her to leave?!"- Mikey nearly yelled

- "No way! I love her in the band! I’m just saying if she decides something, we should respect her."

- "You keep saying the same shit! And you are not considering the fact she could make a mistake"- Gerard frowned and kept walking in circles.

- "Come on! She ain’t a baby! And she ain’t yours to take care of! She can manage herself pretty well, so stop it! You just don’t want her to leave, I can understand that! but just stop giving her reasons to do it!"- Ray didn’t know if Mikey was aware of how fuck up his brother was. And Mikey didn’t know if Ray knew Gerard had given her plenty of reasons to leave already.

- "She is not even here yet!"- Gerard was thinking to himself, but his friends could listen to him clearly- "I bet she already forgave him."

- "Still not your problem!"- Ray added, frustrated.

- "I love her! How can’t it be my problem!"- it felt so good to take it out of his chest, but Ray’s shocked face made Gerard realize he had said too much- "I mean, she is my friend, and…"

- "Oh come on!"- Mikey argued, sick of listening to his brother talking about his feelings- "You are in love with her, and it’s sick! Deal with it!"

- "And it’s not like you are making it hard to guess anyway"- Toro added- "Frank has been arguing you have feelings for her for months now."

- "And you told her your “feelings,” and she rejected you!"- Mikey said, making Ray insanely curious. He needed to know the details of that story.

- "What I feel is not your fucking business"- Gerard said defensibly.

- "It is if you are making this kind of show! Your wife will be here in a few days, so get your shit together and be professional for once!"- Ray argued and sighed- "I’m going to bed now, please try to leave that woman make her own desitions and her own life, and just focus on being good friends"- he said and waved- "And don’t fuck it up!"

The night was cold. The wind played with Joey’s hair as she stood outside her hotel, biting her lips, holding her backpack tight, and making her best not to look Matthew in the eyes as he stood in front of her, smiling. It all gave her the first date vibes. Like they hadn’t been down that path already.

- "Well… I better go. I’ve got another flight tomorrow"- she whispered, and he nodded.

- "Yes, you have to rest, you just played a kickass show"- he answered and smiled- "And our little bean must be exhausted with all the walking we just did."

- "Little bean is floating carelessly inside my tummy, making me crave for a brownie"- Matthew chuckled and opened his backpack.

- "I just have cashews"- and he handed her a paper bag. She couldn’t help but smile at him as she grabbed it and opened it in a second.

- "Your addiction coming in handy"- he chuckled and nodded.

- "I’ve got more if you want"- Matthew started looking in his backpack, but Joey stopped him.

- " Thanks, but these are enough for today"- they stayed in silence for a second, Joey staring at the bag, Matthew staring at her, caressing her skin with his eyes, looking at her eyes, her lips, her hair- "Are you going back home tomorrow?"- she asked and still didn’t dare to look at him in the eyes.

- "Not yet"- he whispered and bit his lips, wishing she wouldn’t ask him if he was going to keep on following her. A part of him wanted to keep it a secret surprise for one more show, at least. And a huge part of her was too scared to ask if she was going to see him at another show.

- "Well… take care"- she said and finally managed to stare into his eyes. It was a mistake, considering how badly she wanted to kiss him and how much she had to argue to herself to avoid doing it. And he was looking at her in adoration, with such love she felt she could melt like an ice cube under the July sun.

- "Remember to play the bean my tracks"- he said, and she nodded.

- "I surely will"

- "I don’t want the bean to forget about me."

- "That won’t happen, I promise"- they just stared in silence for a moment, Matthew almost leaning over to kiss her- "Ok, bye"- Joey waved and turned around.

- "Wait!"- Gubler held her hand and stopped her. He walked to her and wrapped his arms around her. She stood still, not moving an inch, as his warmth filled her skin under her clothes, and his lips pressed a kiss on the top of her head- "Take care"

- "You too"- she mumbled, words having trouble to leave her lips ‘cos his closeness was killing her- "Wait, I still I’ve got your hoodie"- she tried to move away from him to take it out, but Matthew looked at her and shook his head.

- "Keep it… please"- Joey had left all of Matthew’s clothing back in her apartment, ‘cos she didn’t want to carry anything that reminded her of him for the next month. Having his hoodie was against her own rules. Then why did it make her feel so happy?

- "Thanks"- she moved apart from him and watched his smile for one last time- "Good night Matthew Gray"- her words were a whisper that made him shiver. He loved the way his name sounded like coming from her lips.

- "Good night María Josefina."

The actor waited until Joey was out of her sight to walk away from the hotel. He headed it to his hotel, a few blocks away. Ignoring the whole problem with Gerard, he thought things had been pretty good after all. He really didn’t care about Way at all. He knew he would give him a hard time. He just didn’t want him to make Joey feel bad. Joey was all that mattered to him. Mikey and Frank could threaten to hit him, even fulfill their threats. He didn’t care. He even agreed with them. He deserved to pay. But Gerard? No, he didn’t have any right to get into that fight. Gerard was an asshole who needed to stay away from Joey. He was the one Matthew hated.

- “I don’t think I had ever hated someone as bad as I hate that son of a bitch”- but that didn’t matter at the moment, now Matthew had a bigger issue to tackle: Which was going to be the phrase in the banner he had to make for tomorrow’s show?.

There was a knock on Mikey’s door, minutes after Gerard had left. He groaned and walked to answer, to find Joey standing at the other side, with a shy smile on her lips, almost a sheepish look.

- "Are you mad at me?"- she whispered right away, and he opened his arms to hug her.

- "Never."

- "You swear? ‘cos I yelled at your brother I hate him in front of the whole band and tried to spit on his face"

- "He was out of place, and he deserved it"- Mikey whispered and kissed the top of her head. His touch felt so different from Matthew’s a few minutes ago. It almost made Joey feel guilty that her friend had kissed her head after the man she loved had done the same. Almost like she was cheating.

- "And are you mad Matthew was there?"- Mikey let her go and invited her in.

- "Are you ok with him being there?"

Joey stayed in silence, walking into the room, standing next to the bed instead of sitting down. She looked down at her hands and didn’t say anything. Ray’s words were starting to make sense to Mikey as he looked at her and thought she was going to start drifting away from him if he continued being an ass.

- "Bug, it’s ok. I am not gonna get mad at you… if you love him, if you want to be with him, I’m still gonna be your friend."

- "I just don’t know what I want"- she whispered and scratched her eyes, feeling tired and sleepy

- "Anything you want to talk about, I am here, and I swear I’m gonna be the best friend in the world, and I am not gonna judge you, I am not gonna freak out, and more than anything, I am just going to worry about your happiness, ok?"- Joey pouted at her friend and wrapped her arms around him.

- "I just don’t want you to be mad at me ‘cos you are my best friend."

- "I will never get mad at you Bug, you are my little sister, and I love you. I just want to take care of you."

- "I don’t like it when people try to take care of me. I know what I’m doing."

- "I know…"

- "But I’m gonna let it slide with you ‘cos you are my brother"- she said and chuckled against his shirt. Mikey kissed the top of her head again, and she chuckled- "Just don’t push me."

- "I won’t…"- Mikey chuckled and moved to look at her- "We are cheesy, though"

- "So fucking cheesy!!"- Joey chuckled and sighed, relieved- "Ok, now that I took that from my chest, I need to go to bed. I am so fucking tired."

- "Did you eat?"

- "Yeah, Gubler bought dinner"

- "And he also gave you his clothes apparently"- Mikey pointed her hoodie and noticed she blushed.

- "Yeah… I’ll still steal yours, you know"- he smiled and messed with her hair.

- "I’m counting on it. I actually had them washed"

- "Thank you so fucking much!!"

Mikey felt a little better after Joey left. She was worried he was mad at her when he was concerned about the same. She didn’t say a word about leaving the band. That was even better. And she didn’t look sad after being with Matthew. That was enough to let him sleep calmly that night.

Joey was weary. She kicked off her shoes and laid on the bed, closing her eyes. Matthew’s smell surrounding her made her smile and sigh. Yes, he had been romantic. Yes, she had butterflies in her stomach. Yes, she loved him. None of that took away the fact he was a cheater, but he was trying to make amends. That was undeniable. How much was he willing to try? And how much was enough for her to forgive her? Neither of that she knew, but it didn’t matter at the moment. For a few seconds, Joey allowed herself to be in love.

Before she drifted off in her sleep, she remembered Matthew asked her to play the songs he had put on the iPod for their baby. She didn’t want to move from that bed, but she was way too curious to know what was in it.

- "Hey Bean, we are gonna tell your dad you are the only one who listened to it, but mom is gonna sneak a little bit, ok?"- the young woman whispered to her tummy, feeling like a dork.

- "I’m gonna take that silence as a yes"- she put on a headphone and placed another on her belly.

- "Hey Bean!"- Matthew’s voice caught her breath as soon as the first track started- "It’s me! Your dad! I wanted to record these for you so you can remember my voice while you are away with your mommy, ok? Sorry, it’s not the most soothing voice you’ll ever hear, but I love you, so I guess it’ll have to do the trick"- Joey chuckled and closed her eyes, refusing to take out that hoodie, listening to Matthew’s voice, and drowning in his scent.

- "So let’s start with a bedtime story, I’ve got the feeling you are doing a lot of sleeping in there, so I’ll read you one of my favorites growing up"- Joey’s heart melt with each word recorded on that iPod

- "I promise when you are out of your mommy, I’m gonna reread it, and you’ll tell me if you like it, ok? Now, let’s get to business:"

“I am Sam. I am Sam. Sam-I-Am.

That Sam-I-Am! That Sam-I-Am! I do not like that Sam-I-Am!

Do you like green eggs and ham?

I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

Would you like them here or there?

I would not like them here or there.

I would not like them anywhere.

I do not like green eggs and ham.

I do not like them, Sam-I-Am.”

Slowly and softly, Matthew’s voice relaxed Joey like a sweet lullaby, and she fluttered her eyes until she fell asleep safe and sound as his reading continued reading Dr. Seuss's stories to their baby.

Taglist: @all-tings-diego @worryd0ll

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[dreamescapeswriting]

BTS Reaction || He Accidentally Hurts You [Request] [TW]

A/N: I Do not condone the hitting of a partner unless you know it’s play fighting but please know that there are mentions of slapping and hitting BY ACCIDENT within this reaction post. Love you All. Stay Safe.

PS: If there are some spelling errors I’m sorry, I wrote these while I was sitting in A&E with my mum lmao (Everythings chill she just had an xray)

Seokjin:

The fight all started over something so microscopic that it didn't even need to be a fight but it was being blown out of proportion. You'd gone out shopping with Jin, and Jimin for an upcoming event when you decided to go for lunch, everything was fine right up until the moment you had to pay. You wanted to treat them both so you took out your own card getting ready to pay when Jin decided to rush before you and do it. Something that would happen quite a lot but it was what he said when you got back to your shared apartment that bothered you and started the fight.

"I know how much you struggle with money." Those eight little words that made you feel like your heart had stopped, you and Jin didn't fight a lot but when you did it was always about money. He saw it as his right to pay for everything when you were out and about and maybe it was because of how he was brought up or he was just stuck in his ways but it annoyed you.

"I can pay for whatever I want, I work for a living I have a good job." You told him as you went to get changed thinking the subject would be dropped but it only continued and now you were standing in the bedroom yelling about how you didn't need his money,

"I looked after myself before you came along." You told him and he scoffed at you,

"Barely, you got kicked out of four apartments because of late payments." You hadn't even told him about them meaning he'd done a background check on you or had someone find out more about you.

"How did you know about them?" He fell silent and turned away from you not wanting to get into it but you wanted answers,

"Jin?" You questioned getting closer to him but he wasn't paying attention and turned around too fast catching your cheek with his hand and it connected making a loud slapping sound.

"Shit." You yelled stumbling backwards and sitting on the edge of your bed as you held your cheek, Jin was in front of you in a second holding your face and trying to see if you were okay,

"I'm so sorry! I didn't know- I wasn't- I-"

"Jin," You warned as he tripped over his words trying to talk to you, he frowned and turned your face towards the light. You had a giant red mark where his hand had come into contact with your skin, he began swearing in Korean as he studied your face before going to look for a cold flannel.

"Don't you dare say it's fine." He warned as he walked back into the bedroom and laid the wet cloth across your skin, you stared at him and he was tearing up it was the last thing Jin ever wanted to do.

"It was an accident Jin, I understand." He shook his head at you dramatically which made you giggle softly,

"You should be mad, you should make me sleep on the sofa." He told you as he held the cloth to your cheek but you could never do that to him, you placed your hand over the top of his and he relaxed a little more.

"I was too close, you didn't know. It was an accident." He groaned as you were being so understanding it was one of the many things he loved about you, you always tried to look on the brighter side of things rather than dealing with the negative.

"You sure you're okay?" He questioned you and you nodded at him,

"Positive." You whispered snuggling your face against the cloth and his hands trying to make him relax, you knew what he was like he would think about nothing but this for weeks to come.

"I love you." You whispered leaning up and giving him a kiss,

"Love you too." He kissed you back.

Yoongi:

"Fuck sake! You could have done anything but that was too much!" He yelled at you for what felt like the 100th time that day, you'd gone out together that morning for a breakfast date and the waitress was flirting with him. At first, it didn't really bother you because people would flirt with Yoongi all of the time but this time it annoyed you, whenever she would come over to the table she'd flirt with him and ignore you and it got to the point where it felt as though he was flirting back. Though it was something Yoongi would never do to you because he loved you a lot,

"She was flirting with you, what was I supposed to do?!" You yelled back at him, you'd been in the fight all day and it was starting to get late. All you wanted to do was go to sleep but he kept bringing up that ''accidentally'' pouring a glass of water over someone was wrong,

"Yoongi let's just go to bed, I'm tired." You told him but he didn't care, he was mid-rant and continued yelling at you, at that point you weren't even paying attention to the words he was saying. You'd been fighting all day about something that seemed so insignificant now but Yoongi wasn't going to drop it, he never could. He always knew how to hold a grudge but you didn't see why he was busy defending the waitress.

"I'm going to bed." You mumbled getting up from the sofa and walking past him, you'd just gotten to the door when his hand clasped around your wrist to stop you from moving, something he did a lot but this time it was tight.

"Yoongi?" You questioned but he began yelling again,

"We have to talk about this, you can't walk away just because you don't want to." He yelled at you but you were too busy trying to get his grasp off your wrist, it was starting to hurt and it was like he hadn't noticed that every time he yelled his grip would tighten on you.

"You're hurting me." You whimpered and that was all it took, the fight ended and he pulled you close to his body rubbing your wrist in a soothing motion and checking it over as you sat on the floor together.

"I'll get you some ice for it." He rushed off leaving you alone for a couple of seconds before returning with ice in a ziplock back and a tea towel to wrap it around.

"Yoongi it's fine." You told him as you moved your wrist around but it wasn't about that to Yoongi it was about the fact that he'd just hurt you,

"No it's not, I hurt you." He mumbled as he iced your wrist that wasn't even hurting anymore.

"You didn't mean to." You whispered and he let out a sniffle so you knew he was crying about it so you took his face in your hands and made him look at you.

"Yoongi, I'm fine, it's fine. It was an accident." He nodded at you and he pulled you into his arm looking at the small red mark where his hand had been. Your head rested on his shoulder and he kissed your nose,

"Can we go up to bed now? I'm tired." You whispered to him and he nodded letting you get up from his lap and walk up the stair first while he put the ice away.

When he came up the stairs you were laid in the bed in one of his basketball shirts and waiting for him to cuddle you to sleep, he smiled softly at you and went to get ready for bed happy that you weren't going to hold it again him and you weren't, you knew it was a genuine accident.

Hoseok:

"You don't even get it do you?!" He yelled as you walked through the front door of your apartment, you and Hoseok had gone out for a drink and you ended up dancing together but someone else came to dance with you. You were too busy having fun to notice that it wasn't Hoseok until you turned around to see Hoseok wasn't there anymore but was being pulled out of the club for punching the guy in the face.

"Hobi, I didn't know it wasn't you. I didn't even hear you hit him!" You yelled back at him, he'd been scolding you like you were some teenager that had snuck out in the night.

"He was all over you." He grumbled pushing past you angrily as he wanted to calm down but felt like he couldn't,

"His hands touching you and you just let it happen." You watched as he walked into the kitchen to get himself a drink of water to calm down with but you following him wanting him to face you and talk to you.

"You trust me though right? You trust me that I didn't know it wasn't you?" He shrugged your shoulders and you felt your heart shatter,

"You don't trust me?" He turned towards the sink ignoring your question and drinking from the glass in his hand,

"Hobi?" You questioned but he continued to ignore you,

"If you don't trust me then what's the point in us being together?! I trust you to be halfway across the world surrounded by beautiful women and yet-" You didn't get to to finish your sentence because the glass he was drinking from was thrown at the wall behind you smashing and sending glass shards around the floor and into the back of your leg. You didn't even notice that he'd hurt you until he was on the floor in front of you and trying to stop some blood trickling down your leg.

"Oh shit." You giggled because of the alcohol and sat on the kitchen chair but Hobi was rushing over to the sink and getting the first aid kit you kept under there.

"Hobi, it's nothing." You told him as you saw the tiniest cut on the back of your leg,

"It's not nothing, you're fucking bleeding." He was mad at himself for being able to throw something even in your direction, he didn't mean to but every emotion he had was heightened because of the drinks he'd been having all night,

"Hobi, I've done worse when I've been shaving." It was true, the cut was so microscopic it was nothing compared to leg shaving accidents you had one a week.

"I hurt you." He was crying now and you dropped onto the floor in front of him and cupped his face in your hands,

"We're both drunk, or tipsy. It was an accident and it doesn't hurt." You tried to tell him but he was never going to forgive himself as easily as you'd forgiven him.

"It's not an excuse Y/n, I could have seriously hurt you."

"But you didn't." You pleaded but he was moving away from you, you watched as he got the blankets and pillows out from storage and began putting them on the sofa.

"I'll sleep down here tonight," You raised an eyebrow at him,

"We don't fit on the sofa together, we tried remember?" He stared at you and shook his head,

"No, you're going upstairs."

"No I'm not. I won't sleep without you." You folded your arms across your chest and he stared at you, he knew how stubborn you were when it came to these types of things.

"Fine, but I won't cuddle you will." He said as he put the blankets back into storage,

"You will." You called out as you walked up the staircase to your bedroom.

Namjoon:

It felt like Namjoon had only just gotten back and now he was leaving again, you didn't want to spend the last day you had together fighting but that's exactly what was happening. He was standing in the bedroom trying to pack up his suitcase when you questioned him about when you'd see him again, an innocent enough question but he was stressed out enough without you questioning him more about something he didn't have the answers to,

"I don't know." He mumbled as he folded up clothes and put them into the huge suitcase, it was one that you'd had painted for him. It was a black suitcase with his album art on the front and back.

"Okay, well can I call you when you get to the hotel?" He groaned at you and you looked at the floor, you didn't want to annoy him but you wanted to know when you could talk to him again.

"Fuck I don't know Y/n! Will you just back off?!" He yelled and you stepped away from him going over to the desk in the room and going to study instead of getting on his nerves.

"Why do you have to go on so much?" He asked and you stared at him, you hadn't spoke since the last question and yet he kept talking, it was as if he wanted to start a fight.

"I was just asking when I'd seen you again, I feel like I haven't seen you much."

"You know how it was going to be when we first started dating." He mumbled to you and you nodded in agreement, you were over it now and you thought he was too.

"Do you want me to cook tonight or shall I order something?" The next thing you knew Koya was thrown in your direction and he hit you in the eye. He swore in Korean and sprinted to be in front of you, you held your hand over your eye and he slowly moved it away wanting to see if he'd hurt you,

"I can't open my eye." You groaned as he sat you down on the chair behind you and then left, he came back with a wet cloth and held it over your eye.

"I can't believe I just did that-"

"It was an accident, you're just clumsy." You giggled but he shook his head at you, you weren't supposed to just forgive him like this, you were supposed to get mad at him.

"But I hurt you," You took the cloth from your eye and opened it looking at him with a smile,

"It's fine. He probably just scratched it, it's okay." But your eye was already turning red and Namjoon felt terrible,

"He slipped from my hand, I just got annoyed...I've been stressed in the studio-" You kissed him to shut him up,

"Don't worry about it, take out it is though. I don't want to cook and you definitely aren't cooking for me." He stared up at you as you smiled down at him and he wondered how he ended up with someone so understanding,

"Joonie?" You called out and he was snapped from his daydream.

"Can we get pizza? Or do you fancy something else?" You questioned and he stared at you,

"We can have whatever you want, my treat." You nodded and went on the hunt for a menu while he continued packing up his bag.

Jimin:

Everyone knew how Jimin got when he was drunk, he was like a child who'd had too much sugar and was always jumping around the place which is why you were the sober one of the group that night. Namjoon helped you drag Jimin into your apartment and put him to bed where he promptly passed out,

"Thanks, Joon." You said as you looked up at him he sent you a smile and nodded, you and Namjoon had been friends for years, long before you and Jimin began dating and it was nice to have him as a friend still.

"Anytime," He told you bending down and wrapping his arms around you, as he left you noticed Jimin was awake and staring at you from the bed.

"You hug everyone like that?" He asked in a dramatic tone, he got out of the bed and looked out of the window to make sure Namjoon was gone.

"He's a friend Jimin, your friend." You reminded him but he didn't seem to care in his drunken state,

"Do you hug all of them like that?"

"Like what?" You questioned at what he was implying and he slurred over his words,

"Like you're long lost lovers." You raised an eyebrow at him and he nodded at you,

"That's what I thought!" He yelled and you shook your head at him walking away since he was acting like a child with you.

"Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you." He ordered grabbing your wrist and turning you around but he spun you around a little too quickly and you fell back into the wardrobe door hitting your back and crying out in pain. As soon as he heard your cry he sobered up and dropped to his knees in front of you,

"You okay?!" He panicked and you nodded at him and he reached to touch your back rubbing it gently and earning a hiss from you,

"You're not okay, you’re hurt.” He said in a rush as he realised just how hard he made you hit your back against the wooden door.

“Jimin, it was just a shock.” He helped you to your feet and you began walking towards the bed where he sat you down and lifted up the back of your shirt to see if there was any kind of mark from it,

“I’m such an idiot.” He grumbled but you pushed him to lay down so you could lay down beside him, it didn’t hurt you were just in shock from the impact and the door had brusied you the tiniest amount.

“You’re my idiot.” You whispered to him and he sighed at how easily you forgave him.

Taehyung:  

It didn’t take a genius to know that Taehyung was upset and mad about something but he wasn’t talking to you so you couldn’t determine what it was, he’d been like this all day. Whenever you’d ask him a question he would pass it off and ignore you or he would grumble something in reply and not explain anything.

“You have to talk to me sooner or later, we live together.” You reminded him but he kept his eyes locked on his screen as he type away at something, you were slowly starting to get more and more annoyed at him as time went on.

“Taehyung talk to me.” You pouted as you poked his cheek only for him to erupt into a rage,

“Why don’t you go and talk to Jin since he’s your best friend!” He yelled moving away from you on the sofa and going over to the kitchen, you stared at him wondering what he could have meant by that when it hit you.

“Tae, it was just a joke.” Jin had made a passing comment that morning about how close you and he were after spending the day cooking the day before but Taehyung didn’t like it.

“You’ve always found him better than me.” You rolled your eyes at how childish he was acting and that was all it took, he began yelling at you and you started yelling back, neither of you meant what you were yelling but it was just something that happened.

“Fuck off Tae! It was a passing comment, I love you not Jin.” But Taehyung brought up about the fact that Jin was your bias before you started dating and he kept talking about how much he knew you really wanted to be with Jin instead.

“Because you know I’m right, don’t you?” His hand swung backwards as he went to turn away from you and it came into contact with your cheek, the sound silenced the fight and both Tae and you stood there in shock. Your hand slowly went to your cheek and he panicked rushing over to you and checking you were okay,

“I didn’t mean to baby I’m sorry.” He forced you to look at him and you smiled softly at him, it didn’t hurt at all it was just the shock of him hitting you at all,

“It was an accident, I just swung out my arm and caught you.” He looked as though he was about to burst into tears so you shook your head at him reassuring him that you were fine and it was nothing but a little shock,

“I will never hit you again, ever.” He promised as he pulled your head against your chest rubbing the small of your back and kissing the top of your head over and over again.

“I’ll cook tonight, or we can order in. I’ll make this up to you.” You pushed him away when you felt a wet droplet roll down your back.

“Baby, it’s okay. I’m fine I promise.” He kissed you over and over again on the lips and he shook his head at you, he wasn’t going to let himself get away with it he felt terrible but you kissed him back and he relaxed a little more.

Jungkook:

Jungkook had been playing video games all morning and you were getting bored, it was supposed to be your anniversary and he’d clearly forgotten all about it which made you upset but you didn’t mind. You knew how busy he was and that this time was his break away from work and he didn’t need you weighing him down about it more so you forgot about it. Trying to push on with your day when you heard him screaming at the monitor, you looked up from the book you were reading.

“Stupid fucking game.” He grumbled before starting up another match and ignoring your looks from across the room, you were going back into the book when you heard him yelling again.

“Keep it down Kookie.” You giggled but he wasn’t in the mood, he turned to look at you and scoffed.

“Why don’t you make yourself useful and get me something to eat.” You stared at him from across the room book in your hand and your eyebrow cocked up to the side.

“Excuse me?” You questioned and he went back to ignoring you and concentrating on the game proceeding to yell about dying so much before you finally had enough and turned off the console.

“What the fuck?!” He yelled at you rushing to his feet and staring at you,

“What did you say to me?!” You questioned about before and he shook his head at how childish you were bing with him.

“I said to make me something to eat,” Then you began yelling back and forth at one another, you didn’t fight often which is why whenever you did eventually end up in a fight it was nothing but yelling and screaming before you finally both calmed down and talked about your problems instead of yelling about them.

“You’re such a child.” You yelled at him and he went to yell something back while flinging his arms in the air but the controller he was holding slipped from his hands and in your direction, hitting your wrist and making you curse loudly.

“Fuck Kook!” You yelled dropping your book and staring at the now red mark where the controller had hit you,

“Shit, I’m so sorry!” He yelled out, he’d calmed down from the fight and he rushed to your side turning your wrist over to make sure he hadn’t broken it or bruised you but it looked like it was just going to be red for a couple of hours,

“I didn’t mean to it just slipped” He told you as you held your wrist in your hand trying to ignore the throbbing pain that was coming from it.

“It’s fine,” You whispered back to him and he pulled you gently over to the sofa, both of you sitting there and talking about the problem, he was holding your hand the entire time and gently running his hands over your wrist in a soothing way to stop it from hurting so much.

Tagline: 

@yoongisdumplingcheeks @snowy-meowl @lynnthevirgo @kpopfanfictionhoes @yourguessisasgoodasminemate @btsiguess-kpop @lyoongx @mitzwinchester @rjsmochii @callingmyangel

[i-drink-and-i-write-fics]

Warriors

Chapter 3: Figure of Speech

Summary:  Professor Xavier tells Reader why he picked her.

“Please, Miss _____. Have a seat.” Professor Xavier gestured to a now empty chair. “We have much to discuss.”

You took Logan’s old seat and let out a sigh. “I want to apologize for the way I spoke to Logan. Clearly I will do so to him as well, but I want you to know that’s not…” you sigh again and lick your lips. “That was not a proper representation of the Avengers. I’ve…. I’ve had a rough 24 hours and I took my anger of someone else out on him.”

“I know.” There was a smile on his kind face. “And don’t worry about Logan. If anything, I believe he was impressed with how well you returned the verbal sparring. And I know you did not want to be the one to come here today.”

“Then why did you ask for me? I’m not exactly approved for public consumption as you just saw.”

“Because it’s what your parents wanted.”

“I’m sorry, what? My parents?” Your jaw dropped in shock. Your parents had died when you were a teenager and as far as you knew didn’t know many people outside of the town you had grown up in.

“Yes, they were former students of mine. That’s why they wanted you to come to school here.”

“My parents were mutants?! But they never…. I didn’t….” Your brain tried to work around the shock of receiving this new information.

“I know this is not how you wanted to discover this information and frankly I am saddened that they kept it from you. They were some of my best students and some of the best X-Men.”

“Wait, what?!”

Xavier turned to pluck a framed photo from a side table to his left. He held it out for you to look at. You cautiously reached for the photo, your eyes drinking in the scene before you. “They graduated top of their class and went on to fight alongside myself, Hank, and even Logan at one point. Though no one but Hank and I knew they were your parents.”

“Wait, Logan fought alongside them? He doesn’t really look that old.”

Charles chuckled. “He’s actually older than you think. Even older than myself.”

Your eyes went wide at that. “Welp, ok. So…. what could my parents do?”

“Your mother was a telepath, like myself and another who works and lives here. Your father could create force fields around himself and larger groups. They were both invaluable during missions.”

Looking down at the photo, your parents smiled up happily at you. The style of X-Men suits and their hair gave you an idea as to when the photo was taken. “They were killed on a mission, weren’t they? It wasn’t really a plane crash, was it?”

“I’m afraid it was a plane crash. This photo was taken two days before they left for Mexico. Magneto used his powers to pull down their plane.”

You closed your eyes and a single tear dropped onto the glass. “They… they missed my high school play because they said there were unavoidable plans for work they personally had to attend to. I was so mad at them; said some real nasty things before they left. I guess I’ve never really forgiven myself. But I wish they had just told me the truth. They knew I was a mutant and they wanted me to go to school here. Clearly I would have found out had I chosen to listen to them.”

“I know this must all be a shock to you, to find out your parents weren’t who you thought they were. But just know they were good people and they’ve raised a good daughter.”

You sniffed and wiped away the tear. “And how do you know? Yeah, they were good people but look at their mess of a daughter. I may have managed to get on the Avengers, but I’m not much of a team player.”

“Things like that take time. You’ve been hurt in your past, so naturally it won’t be easy for you to open yourself up to people.”

“And I sure as hell won’t do it anymore. The one time I did, it landed me here.”

“I’m sure Director Coulson didn’t mean any harm. I’ve heard you have great respect for him.”

“Had.” You put the photo back on Charles’ desk. His eyes bore into yours and you sighed. “Ok, so I still do. But it was still shit what he did. If you just wanted to talk about my parents, there were other ways to go about it. Acting like I had to put on a presentation to your students was the worse way.”

“But it wasn’t an act. I would like to have the Avengers speak with the students soon. Specifically, you. Your dear mother had an amazing ability to charm the crowd whenever she spoke. I always teased her it had to do with her telepathy.”

“I’m sorry but I clearly didn’t inherit the ability to speak coherently in front of large groups.” You give him a tired smirk. “Maybe it was her mutation, after all.”

Charles laughed. “Maybe it was. I don’t expect you to answer right away. Please feel free to tour the school. I can have Hank or Piotr show you around and introduce you to the staff and remaining X-Men members.”

“Thank you, Professor. I would like that.” You stand up and shake his hand. “Again, very sorry for the first impression that I made.”

“Not at all. If anything, it just proves you’re your father’s daughter.”

“My dad was like me?! He never acted like that at home.”

“No, I imagine he wouldn’t. He had you and your mother to keep the cynicism and sarcasm at bay. But at the school….” Charles chuckled again, “he was quite the cut up.”

You smile and shake your head. “It’s so hard for me to picture. Thank you, for that. I better get going on this tour.”

Walking out of the office and down the hall, you look around for someone to show you the grounds. But instead of Hank or Piotr, you come across Logan again. You couldn’t help but feel annoyed at seeing him sitting so casually in one of the many plush chairs you had seen around the school. He was so relaxed and in the sunlight he looked more handsome than you had noticed the first time. No one had any right looking that good so effortlessly. You resisted the urge to sigh, and instead quietly approached his chair.

“Excuse me,” his green eyes immediately turned on you and you almost lost your train of thought. What the hell was wrong with you? You weren’t one to lose your head over some guy. “I just wanted to apologize for what I said earlier today. My anger was misplaced.”

A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth. “It’s alright, kid. I didn’t exactly start our meeting off on the right foot. I’ve just never been the biggest Avengers fan.”

You nodded your head and smiled, which seemed to surprise him. “Yeah, that’s completely understandable. Especially after all the mistakes the team has made over the years. Sometimes I even wonder why I’m still there.”

“Why are you still there?”

“Oddly enough, they’ve become like a makeshift family for me. I lost my parents while I was still in high school and my aunt was actually friends with a few SHIELD agents. I wasn’t the typical kid who took dance class or tried to run for student council; I chose to take martial art classes instead. Needless to say, I didn’t have many friends in school. But it got me into SHIELD and from there the Avengers. Though my powers are probably more the reason why.”

“What are your powers?”

Your smile became a smirk as the glass on the table next to him lifted into the air and into your hand. You take a sniff of the glass before sending it back. “Whiskey, huh? I’m a rum girl myself.”

A genuine smile broke out across his face. “So you’re telekinetic? How come you didn’t go to school here?”

You shrug your shoulders. “Maybe I wasn’t ready to face what I am. I tried to so hard to fit in and it never worked out.”

“That’s usually how life works out. So how come you’re still here? I thought you’d want to bolt after talking to the professor?”

“Well, I’m supposed to find Hank or Piotr so I can have a tour of the campus, but I have no idea where to look for them.”

He nodded his head and got out of his seat. “Well don’t worry about the fur ball or tin man. I’ll show you around and then if you want, we can grab a drink somewhere as an apology to each other.”

You couldn’t help but smile at his offer. “That sounds great.”

Logan shows you around the school, expertly pointing out where the classes were kept, the dorm rooms could be found, and the staff room. Along the way you briefly met Jean, Ororo, Yukio, and Ellie, some who were teachers, others students, all X-Men. When you reached the front of the school again, you walked over to your bike.

“Nice Harley.” Logan was clearly impressed. “Looks like a classic.”

“Well it’s a 1976, so it’s older, but I don’t know about it being a classic.” You watched as Logan circled the bike. “It was my dad’s so it’s at most a hand-me-down.”

He looked up at the smile on your face. “Awfully nice of him.”

The smile faltered. “Well, I technically inherited it. He wasn’t big on me riding, but there was no way in hell I was going to sell it.”

Logan decided to change the subject. “Let me grab my bike and I can show you that dive bar I mentioned earlier.”

Your smile came back. “Can’t wait.”

Chapter 4

[just-dreaming-marvel]

Out Of Time ~ 117

MASTERLIST

< previous chapter

Word Count: 2,300ish

Summary: No summary...... I just hope this chapter makes sense.... it’s a lot of jumping....

“Daisy!” Y/N shouted, Coulson and the others running up behind her. “Daisy!”

“Where did she go?” Coulson asked.

“I don’t…” Black spots filled Y/N’s vision. “I don’t know… Coulson, I…” She reached out to him. “Something’s…” then she fainted.

Y/N woke up on the floor, somewhere. Blinking, long and hard, she pushed herself up and looked around. 

“What the…” she muttered. Y/N quickly realized she was in the Mirror Dimension. “What am I doing back here?” She pushed herself up to the standing position, seeing the Ancient One on the other side. “What is going on?”

“The Stones have asked that I finish your training, since I don’t have much longer,” the Ancient One responded.

“What do you mean by ‘don’t have much longer’?”

“My time is almost up. Which means the time you will be needed will soon follow.”

“I’m not ready. I just… I’m not ready.”

“I’m sorry, Miss Rogers. But you don’t have a choice.”

~~~

SIX MONTHS LATER…

May was waiting for the Zephyr’s ramp to lower, Mack and Coulson walking down it.

“How long has it been?” She asked.

“Six weeks in the air,” Coulson answered. “Only the quinjet touched down.”

“Is that a record for Zephyr One?”

“It is. It was supposed to be even longer. You know who called us in?”

“I do.” She handed them a tablet before leading them away.

“You? Okay. Now I know something’s up. Is it Y/N? Has anything changed?”

“Simmons is carefully monitoring her. We’re lucky that General Talbot’s on our side to keep her here cause the Director is itching to hand her over as a sign of good faith to the government.”

“No news though?” Mack wondered.

“We did see good signs yesterday and this morning. But we’ve seen good signs before.”

“She’s going to wake up soon,” Coulson said with such confidence. “I know it.”

~~~

SIX MONTHS AGO…

“I didn’t have time to explain the nature of the Reality Stone before you needed to use it,” the Ancient One stated. “You are able to change the reality of what people see and what’s been done.”

“Like I did with those agents,” Y/N said.

“Exactly.”

“Which Stone is next, then?”

“We’re not moving onto the next Stone until you’ve mastered the powers you have. It is important that you have mastered them so that you can be at your full strength when the time comes.”

“What if I don’t want to? What if I don’t want to fight? I want to be done fighting…. Fighting has cost me everything… the life I once had, in multiple ways.”

“You weren’t meant to live out life in the 40’s. You were meant to be here and now.”

“I don’t care… I don’t want this anymore.”

“Then I can wait. I still have enough time. And I can keep you here until you’ve decided to come to your senses.”

“You can’t be serious. You can’t keep me here!”

“Oh, but I can.” Then she disappeared, leaving Y/N alone in the Mirror Dimension.

“Oh, come on! Let me go!”

~~~

FOUR MONTHS AGO…

“Are you ready yet?” The Ancient One asked, appearing out of no where.

“You can’t just keep me in here!” Y/N shouted. “I’m not a prisoner!”

“I will keep you in here as long as it takes.”

“Ugh!! How long have I even been in here?!”

“Two months.”

“Two months?! How am I not dead?”

“Your friends, and the Stones, are keeping your body safe. You will be able to return to it, once you have completed the training.”

“I told you, I don’t want this.” Y/N shook her head. “I never wanted this. Can’t the Stones just pick someone else?”

“I’m afraid that’s not how this works.” The Ancient One watched as Y/N paced. “I would have thought that this time alone would be helpful to you.”

“Yeah? In what why?”

“To be able to grieve and morn about the loss of your friends, the life you wished you had, and your child… To be able to forgive yourself and those around you.”

“I have forgiven Steve for fighting Tony. And Tony for fighting Steve. I have forgiven Bucky for killing Howard. I have forgiven them of all their faults, because it wasn’t all theirs… it was mine… I will never be able to forgive myself. I could have tried harder to keep my family from being torn apart, to keep my baby alive! So… there’s no need to forgive everyone else. It’s already done… the only person I will never be able to forgive is myself.”

~~~

NOW…

“Hey, Y/N,” Coulson greeted, stopping by the cell Y/N was being kept in for safe keeping. She was hooked up to many monitors and tubes. “Sorry it’s been so long. The Director’s been keeping me busy.” He chuckled sadly to him as he sat down on a chair beside her bed. “I can only imagine how mad you’re going to be when you find out I stepped down… I just… Between you and Daisy. I couldn’t keep my focus…”

He sighed. “I’m headed to Los Angeles. Trying to hunt her down… she’s a ghost, Y/N. She slips through our fingers every time. I wish… Oh, how I wish things were back to the way they were before. I don’t necessarily know how far I want to go, but just before… Stark keeps contacting me, asking me if I’ve seen or heard anything. I think he knows I’m lying. But I think he understands it’s to protect you.”

“I’m sorry that I can’t spend more time with you. But I do have to go. They… the Director had a shoot to kill order placed on Daisy. I have to go help her some how.” He leaned over, placing a kiss on her forehead. “Please, wake up soon. I don’t know how much longer I can see you like this.”

~~~

TWO MONTHS AGO…

“I’m ready,” Y/N huffed. “Let’s just get this over with… I’ve seen what the Stones can do. I understand how important it is to stop them, if what I’ve seen will happen… I’ll train, I’ll master the powers they want me to. But them I’m out of here.”

“Understood,” the Ancient One responded with a nod. “First, let’s practice what you’ve learned with the Mind, Space, and Reality Stones.”

Y/N and the Ancient One worked to improve her current knowledge of the powers. Especially where it came to losing her energy. It took two weeks before the Ancient One believed she was ready to learn more.

“The Time Stone,” the Ancient One began, showing the Stone that was kept around her neck, “with it you will be able to change time. Not drastically. But up to a few minutes.”

“Like, rewind?” Y/N questioned.

“Exactly. You can focus is it on large areas or just a single object.” She took out an apple and took a few bites of it. She held it out. “Now, try it with this. Bring it back to it’s original state.”

With a deep breath, Y/N held out her hand and focused on the object. Slowly, the bites began to fill back in until the apple was whole again.

“Very good,” the Ancient One praised. “Now bring it back to where it was when I challenged you.”

Y/N nodded before focusing again on the apple. The bites that had disappeared, appeared again.

“Good,” the Ancient One said. “Again.”

The Time Stone took a week to master. It was easier for Y/N since it was with her. The next Stone was the Power Stone.

“This Stone is one of the most destructive forces in the universe,” the Ancient One explained. “If you tried hard enough, you could destroy whole planets.”

“Okay… I don’t think I like that…” Y/N shook her head slightly.

“Channeling it will also enhances your strength and durability during a fight.”

The Ancient One and Y/N fought in order to test her strength and durability. Y/N wished she had been taught to channel that Stone earlier, it would have been of great help. Y/N practiced destroying smaller things, like weapons. The power would come out of her hands in the form of purple beams. She worked on this one for weeks, until the Ancient One finally decided she was ready for the last Stone. The Soul Stone.

“The Soul Stone is the most hidden and unknown out of all the Stones,” the Ancient One stated. “Very few know it’s location, or the powers it possesses. I don’t even know it’s location, but I do know the price it requires to retrieve it.”

“And that is?”

“A soul for a soul… This Stone will allow you to conjure the spiritual representation of those who are dead.”

“What?”

“And it will be them. Not the Stone fooling you.”

“Like… I could see my parents? An-and Howard? And… and my baby?”

“Yes.”

Tears sprung in Y/N’s eyes. “How? How do I do it?”

“This is the one Stone I cannot help you learn how to use. You must learn it yourself.”

“No.” Y/N shook her head. “You must know. Please.”

“I’m sorry… your training is done. It is now time for you to go.”

“No! Please. Just tell me!”

“I have told you everything I know. It is now up to you to find the answers you seek. And the peace you long for.”

“No, wait. Please don’t—“

~~~

PRESENT DAY REALITY…

“Here’s the Mapping-Action Eyewear you requested,” Simmons said to May, carrying a tablet and a container towards her in the training room. “Should help your team in case of a blind takedown.”

“Great,” May replied, taking the container. “Thanks.”

“I need you to sign for it.” Simmons held out the tablet.

May didn’t look pleased. “I don’t get the new color-coded security-level rainbow of… What’s it called?”

“The Spectrum of Security.”

“Why do I, level red, have to go through you, level orange, to request hardware? Shouldn’t red be higher than orange?”

“Well, orange encompasses both red and yellow, so… It’s hard to explain, but the Director didn’t want to use numbers because he didn’t want any team member to feel less than.”

May looked down at the tablet, filling it out. “Well, you do have a higher clearance than me.”

“Only in most instances.”

Not impressed, May handed the tablet back over. “I feel less than.”

Simmons took the tablet as May started to walk away, she followed. “Hey, we just had a report come in. A death in a hospital in Los Angeles.” May turned around. “Suspicious circumstances. Suspect is an Asian female.”

“You think it might be Daisy.”

“I’m going to look into it. I just wondered if you’d heard anything from your law enforcement contacts?”

“I’m mostly in the dark these days. Why don’t you ask the Director? Since you’re one of the few people allowed or willing to do that.”

“May—“ Simmons was halted by an alarm going off on her phone. Looking down, her eyes widened. “It’s Y/N.”

May and Simmons ran down to the cell, where Y/N’s monitors were going crazy. As they grew closer, they noticed tears slipping down her face.

“No…” Y/N mumbled. “Please… wait… don’t go!”

“What’s happening?” May asked.

“I think she’s waking up,” Simmons said. “Y/N. Y/N, can you hear me?”

“I’m calling Coulson.” May stepped out of the room.

“I was just alerted to the situation,” a man in a suit came in. “How can I help?”

“Director,” Simmons greeted. “There’s nothing I can think of.”

“No… please…” Y/N mumbled. She suddenly shot up, eyes wide and gasping for air. 

“Y/N, Y/N,” Simmons called, trying to get her to calm. 

“Agent Rogers,” the new Director greeted. “I need you to calm down.”

Y/N met Simmons eyes before looking at the stranger in the room. “Who the hell are you?” She breathily asked.

“I’m Jeffrey Mace, the new Director of SHIELD. I’m here to help you and transition you to life with the Sokovia Accords.”

“The… the Accords? Where’s Coulson?” Y/N looked around. “How long have I been out of it?”

“Six months,” Simmons answered.

“S-six months?” Y/N looked to Simmons, who nodded. “And… and you thought that I was going to wake up and just be okay with signing the Accords?” She looked at the new Director.

“You don’t have a choice,” the Director stated. “It’s the law—“

Y/N interrupted with a chuckle. “That’s where you’re wrong… There’s always a choice. Plus… what re you going to do to stop me from leaving and not signing?”

“You should be familiar with this room, Agent Rogers. Your powers cannot be used in this room.”

“I am not an Inhuman. My powers come from other sources. This room has never been able to stop me. Did they not tell you that?”

“Y/N,” Simmons warned. “Just listen, hear him out.”

“No. If Coulson isn’t the Director anymore, then I don’t want to be a part of SHIELD… I’m sorry Jemma. Tell the others good bye for me.”

“Y/N— No!” May shouted, coming back into the room as Y/N opened a portal underneath herself and fell through it. “Damn it!”

“I thought you said this room stops powers?” The Director questioned Simmons. 

“We never said whose powers,” Simmons answered. 

“You just assumed it would work on her,” May added.

“I’ll let General Talbot know she’s gone,” the Director stated. “He’ll get the government searching for her as well.”

next chapter >

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