#but im graduating soon i dont have time
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we're back at it, season 2 choices, judge me accordingly
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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING
#cw blood#luckys original content#ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG#also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project#FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD#SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter#and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do#THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG#i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then#i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that#ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours#so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time#i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly#and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more#but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho#we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange#yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but#she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that#i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated#i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others#AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG#IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL#LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU#AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES#ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU
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another weekend, another job rejection!
#and now no more positions are open to apply to! for now at least. some more will probably drop soon. fuck i hope so.#love just. being fucking unable to even make it into the interview phase for my extraordinarily lofty career goal#Of Working In A Fucking Library#just. so thrilled.#kazoo noises#anyway tomorrow morning i have to find a time to talk to my rabbis bc if i dont figure shit out i have to pick between becoming jewish or#graduating on time and i have fucking NO ONE i can talk to this about and ive used up like all of my good will in all of my personal#relationships already and i am So Fucking Sick of feeling mean and petty and evil all the time but my options are either fucking smile and#be noticeably fake optimistic when i get called on my bullshit or burn like all three of my last remaining bridges#i just dont see why i cant even make it to interviews. like i can accept not being the right fit or whatever. but like. it really kinda is#everyone but me whos employed by now.#man. like listen. its not my professors fault. i get that i've got her in a bad position.#but she said ''sometimes we have to pick between sources of joy'' like MAN--#do NOT speak to me about that. absolutely the FUCK not.#you! are employed and have been in this field for over a decade and i work in a grocery store with no sign of luck changing.#i need to be in this section bc 1) im not fucking doing academia with a gun pulled on me#2) i need to actually get some kind of professional experience since its clear i can't actually get a job on merit so i guess i will pay to#go further into debt#anyway no one is around to talk to me about this and i hate bitching to my friends about how fucking hopeless i feel all the fucking time s#everyone please look away from my diary posting and think of me as sexy and fun and bubbly <3333#like. its literally no ones fault so i should not be this fucking resentful.#and yet.#yeah im probably not getting classed as a good person for another several years. shame. ive always wanted to be good.#library travails
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The thing about being a bitch and a hater is that you need to be charismatic about it for people to still like you somehow. And most importantly you need to be a poor little meow meow people will want to help see win.
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like idek what to do about my life atp
i literally am trying and nothing works. nothings working. but if i give up ill be even more miserable.
#cant find a different job bc i hate my current one which also has an end date soon#cant make new friends but signed up to volunteer but that shit is weeks away also working remotely has decimated my social skills#feel annoyed and irritated with my current friends bc ngl they arent very good at comforting or being present with people#want to move states by years end but it genuinely just doesnt seem possible#tried getting a partner early in the year and just gave up bc honestly i hate myself so how can i even enter a rs#worked out to lose weight and just gained it because i cant fucking keep up a workout schedule to save my life BECAUSE#I HAVE A FULL TIME JOB AND AM TIRED#AND DONT EVEN GET ME STARTED. ON THE POLITICAL STATE OF THE WORLD.#LIKE THIS YEAR HAS BEEN FUCKING ASS ? AND ITS LIKE NOW IM BURNTOUT FROM TRYING ?#AND ITS MY FIRST YR POST GRADUATION SO ITS LIKE#WOW THIS IS JUST WHAT LIFE IS LIKE#AHAHAHAHAHHA JUST. BEING UP ON COPIUM PRETENDING THINGS WILL BE BETTER
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about to trauma dump to the ac*u and hope i get the job wish me luck
#theyre so funny for this question like what did they expect the response to be LOLLL#i know they had to change things to not get sued but like damn yall know this is just an excuse for me to trauma dump now#like lmfaaaaoooooo#anyways if i get this done in the next hour it will literally be the [TRAGIC-task youve put off for 2 months only took 15 minutes!]#meme all over again and that will just kill me bc i did put it off for an extra 10 hours today again#anyways i would like to be paid 30 bucks an hour so pleaseeeeeeeeeee hire me pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee#if not this its back to the motherland boys so get ready for a 3 hour time difference IM GONE FOREVER SOON#v.txt#literally so excited to graduate and leave for at minimum a year and be literally anywhere but here college is a lie friends#and dont do it unless you are 5345245u34% sure you want to bc i do feel like i have been scammed#I SHOULDVE DONE A TRADE!!!!!!#anyways hears hoping i get this job and find a different way to spend time in peru bc regardless i do miss it there#none of u understand the intricacies of being able to get pollo la brasa or ceviche whenever i want..... without my mom having to make it#none of u understand the intracacies of coming back from the MOTHER-motherland and having the capital police stop ur bus#anyways as per usual if your motherland isnt at least a level 4 DNT for us citizens dont even bother talking to me about it#HAVING YOUR DNI IN YOUR BACK POCKET AT ALL TIME-RS MAKE SOME NOISEEEEEEEE#realiziing i spent here's wrong earlier and i hope you know it haunts me but i wont change it so we'll all have to deal
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idk if it's genuine excitement or the energy drink i had earlier that's actually letting me focus and work but dude. i am CRUSHING this essay. this is Fun To Write. i think i'm actually doing a really good job here. wtf. i love my major man
#i am a LITTLE bit sad i cant do grad school bc like. im going to miss writing essays and researching and all once i graduate#i do genuinely like doing it. call me a nerd or whatever but i love it esp when its on smth fun and interesting like this#now im not sad enough to actually DO grad school lmao#unless i got offered a scholarship or smth idk. wont happen but. hm. if it did.#seriously tho. i would think more seriously abt it if it werent for my adhd. i just dont think its realistic for me#as much as i like my field i dont think i have the ability to focus well enough to complete the work id need to complete#i went to the meeting abt grad school i learned abt what it requires/why people do it and all. i just dont think i can do that#and bc i ultimately cant get diagnosed -> cannot get help/medication thats not going to improve any time soon#after years of learning how to adapt and work with my brain this is probably the best i can do without medical/institutional intervention#its not worth paying a shitload of money and possibly setting my career back by years only to fail out yk?#im not too torn up abt it. ill give it more thought if it becomes relevant but rn its not really on my radar#ive done an excellent job in school! im getting an honours degree (hopefully)! most people dont even get that far#a lot of people with my condition dont even get into university let alone graduate. im incredibly lucky to be able to do what i can#levi.txt#this is all over the place but takeaway is im having a good time! things are coming together i feel confident in my work#im gathering theorists and sources for the section on night of the living dead and having a blast#ive got my examples all lined up my arguments make sense in my head i know where to look for applicable theories etc etc#i just need supporting quotes and im working on that rn!! it hasnt even been that hard#ok. back to work. i need to harness the power of caffeine once more (made my brain quiet) (no longer full of bees) (im in charge)
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yknow I think the core of my problems rn is the fact that I never thought I'd live long enough to have to make all these big life decisions
#like. as a kid i never really daydreamed abt college or careers or whatever because i genuinely didnt think i'd be alive to experience them#and idk. knowing that ive outlived my own expectations for myself kinda helps contextualize all this shit im dealing with rn#like obviously it sucks. i dont know what im doing or where im going or what i want to be and its scary and confusing and frustrating.#but its also. kind of liberating too. in a way#because im Alive to be worrying about this shit. which is more than young me ever thought i would do#and idk. i think that speaks for itself.#life sucks rn and im not having a good time because i thought i would be dead by the time i graduated high school#but by god i WASNT dead by the time i graduated high school and im not dead now. and i dont intend to be any time soon.#tonight's existential crisis is a mixture of crisis and hope i guess <3#winter speaks#personal#tw suicide mention#<- not really but just in case#im not even sure what im trying to say im just thinking ig#goodnight <3
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scraped out of my physiology class with a C, doing the bare minimum over here amen
#one class out of the way. four more to go :pensive:#three of them im guaranteed to have a C even if i dont show up. but one of them i might fail Oops#i am not good at programming <3 IVE HAD A LOT OF FUN AND I UNDERSTAND IT IM JUST VERY *VERY* SLOW#I KEEP RUNNING OUT OF TIME BUT MY HOMEWORK IS FANTASTIC#on the bright side i am all set to graduate next semester. i think#and i MIGHT get a refund from loans so i might have extra money soon#unless they take my scholarship. EVEN THO THEY TOLD ME IN PERSON THAT THEY WOULD NOT. i have been sent emails that i might lose one :(#i need to go talk to financial aid soon aaaaaa wednesday For Sure. not today i barely slept#chat
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Rare moment of me sharing my actual life but my dad split the cost of a printer for me for xmas and I am so so excited and pleased with it! I now have way too many test samples of my silly little star wars OC lol. I want to make art my actual career so this is a really cool step toward that dream 💗
#maybe this is lame to admit to but im 28 and i have a degree in illustration#but i graduated in 2019 and ofcourse everything fell apart soon after#i didnt want to make any art for about three years and i was planning to give up on doing it as a career#i even went back to school online for a technical diploma in library studies#and i was good at it#i almost finished the program too but all these hurdles started popping up and getting in the way#i decided go quit that#even though id spent so much time and energy and money on it#to kinda end up back where i started except that i want to draw again#im 28 but i dont feel 28#the last 3 years went by in a blur and i guess i freaked out because im getting older#and no one can make my dream real except me#putting it off isnt an option anymore lol i think id rather die than give it up#if you read all this mushy garbage you get a gold star congrats
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Face update lol
(Friend Pip @creekfiend made this crescent pendant and I made it into an earring. Love it v much 🥹)
#face#sibling is in my old high schools production of the wizard of oz tonight!!! we are going to watch#always super weird going back to high school#i have been super proud of my hair lately but ill be shaving it soon so 👍 evidence i got it perfect finally#update tags:#saw my old art teacher and she cried 😭 asked me to unmask briefly so she could see my face#i said 'im still full of piercings under here. havent changed at all' she said 'good! let me see em' 😭🤧💖#sibling did amazing as the tin man im literally so proud!!!#i dont think they want to but i do think they could pursue theater professionally... theyre on par with the kids getting scholarships (“:#there was this very cute slideshow of the only graduating senior that the teachers put together and there was a video of him and my sibling#singing nsync to a HUGE crowd at a theater event#theyre up there dancing and singing karaoke on the mic on stage and im just sooooooo proud and my heart is so full to see it#they didnt have this kind of confidence two years ago 😭😭😭🤧#honestly highlight of the entire show however was when Glenda told Dorothy 'just click your hooves together three times!'#and cole and i had to keep ourselves from howling with laughter lmaooooo those are her hooves you bitch.... the ruby red hooves.....#so many wide-eyed misfit kids coming up to husband and i to say 'i like your outfits and hair' and the like#and im just looking around like. ten years ago i was YOU#you dont even know. you are ME
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appears like a mediorce ghost to vex u with the passage of time. next artfight is in 3 months
EXTREMELY VEXING TBH. BLOOM/WITHER FELT LIKE YESTERDAY. THIS PAST YEAR HAS GONE BY TOO QUICKLY ID LIKE A REFUND. ON THE OTHER HAND IM GOING TO HAVE A GREAT YEAR OF ARTFIGHT (I HOPE) ONCE I NO LONGER HAVE MY STUDIES TO WORRY ABOUT AND CAN JUST KINDA GO APESHIT OVER SUMMER
#im graduating in july.... if i dont get at least one attack of my sona in the funny little hat and gown ill cry/J/J/J/J/J#BUT i will have artist friends online AND irl to draw with this time which just makes it all the more fun#yaay yippee parallel play woo yeah#i keep meaning to experiment more with my style after i have less Life Prep to worry about so artfight is gonna be a great time for that..#but oh god its so soon. help. excited but help#got exams in may so june is probably gonna be the big 'recovery-then-artfight-prep' month again
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i had dreams once too. i promis they were good dreams. I would draw and create and make things out of love and passion. even when i was 4ft tall i knew i was meant for art my heart mind and hands need it to live. i wanted to be an artist.
ive been having heart pains lately and i knwo i should tell someone but what the point. i need to be an artist,even my veins and arties can sense my blood, my passion ,rotting every moment i am not.
#iwanttobeanartist#no srsly tho my heart is doing weird things and it hurts#i geniunly hate being a stem major it is killing me#im not gonna make it to graduation#i have to much to lose if i dont do stem but not chosing art will kill me one day very soon#my school doesnt even have an arts department and the only art club meets at my class time#personal rant#rant post#am i doing this right?
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No motivation for anything
#u g h#I'm graduating soon#i just dont care about it#im not sure why#i just really couldn't care less#i dont want gifts#i dont want anything#i cant keep having the same conversation a million times#hvyjxohufcoycf
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fall 2021 really had me like in the depths of madness wildly seesawing from deep suicidal depression but then listening to horizons by starset and kicking my feet twirling my hair about venom. and then going back to the madness
#i think im feeling weird about this again because erm#my internship supervisor (from my senior year '22-23 internship - for the organization i had been volunteering with during 2021)#reached out to me earlier today while i was at work and asked if i'd be interested in the graduate internship position#i uhm. haevnt even opened her text#im having. complicated feelings#on one hand i loved that place and i loved working there and with her#on the other hand i also deeply associate working there with the absolute depths of my depression just bc thats how the timing worked out#so uhm. uknow . uhm. uhm. uhm!!!!#like i really want to accept it but also im like deathly afraid of accepting it and then backing myself into the same depression corner#ive already aired my dread over going back to the same uni for my grad program like just in general in case being in that#environment causes me to regress#but now being also back in that same office environment and then doing that same work.#im so afraid of it bringing back bad memories and bad habits#BUT ALSOOOO the work was so rewarding and i loved doing it so i dont want to say no1!?!?!?!!?#god. ugh. argh. ugh. ugh#pacing back and forth like a wild animal etc etc#brot posts#delete soon
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roommates sending new apartment links into the gc ,,, if I have to move again I may jill myself
#literally they asked me if I’d seen them this morning and my stomach started hurting#last spring trying to find an apartment genuinely had me losing weight from stress. i do not want to do that again :((#also like i do not live here full time packing up my shit will not be easy at all#i understand it’s cheaper but thats bc its in a further area and a smaller apartment !! like girl#im actually too tired to be acting rational abt this but i wanted to dump my thoughts out#sometimes i think they look for links bc it is like shopping or smth to do. but genuinely i dont know how serious they are#I was under the impression we were j renewing our lease but now they want to tour as soon as we’re back from break#also. when they all graduate early i will be stuck with wherever we land and honestly. To be selfish. I want it to be here.#like i am not getting a mover to help us get that damn couch out my family literally did everything last time#which is fine !! It’s meant to be communal !! but it’s not /easy/ to just pack up and fuckign go#like they seem to think it will be#i would also have to either stay late and miss internship or come back during the summer which again. Expensive and time wasting.#I’m v annoyed sorry#anyway#lee’s bullshit
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