#im so afraid of it bringing back bad memories and bad habits

[oflgtfol]

fall 2021 really had me like in the depths of madness wildly seesawing from deep suicidal depression but then listening to horizons by starset and kicking my feet twirling my hair about venom. and then going back to the madness

[faorism]

(really in my feels about the ot3 because of the @powerpolyculeshowdown so here's some propaganda)

parker and hardison allow eliot to be sillier. more ridiculous. outragous, even. eliot sings the stupid ditties hardison writes special for him, and he rolls his eyes at parkers pokes and prods and the occasional "accidental" face slap, and eliot can express himself for what actually bothers him no matter how nitpicky, versus having to calculate what he should say. (he still argues with hardison that throwing in on a brewpub was a stupid plan given its risk, no matter how many times hardison claims it was always a gift for him.) eliot laughs more. real laughs; you can tell because his smiles look more and more like grimaces: the way his ma perked her mouth which his dad always teased her about (though it was his favorite thing about her), rather than the wide toothy grins eliot learned because he knows, tactically, they are best for charming. parker and hardison let him not feel like he's a monster. or... parker tells him she always thought the big bad wolf had a bad rap, and hardison says some stupid shit about monsterfucking being the hip thing the kids are into these days, anyway.

hardison and eliot allow parker to feel deep. it's food that tastes like a hug and it's gadgets made just for her and it's loving and being loved and it's being one another's real families. she doessn't want to run away, anymore. or... she wants to run but with her friends beside her. or... running cons is all she's ever wanted to do, and all she did, for so long. parker is good at it. she loves it. she loves that hardison and eliot love it too. but... feeling deep is also being deep. she's no longer just her piles of money because she is no longer afraid of herself. her past. the memories that hurt. the habits she thought she needed to grow out of but always missed. these habits, like bleeping sounds that arent words and hands move move moving. hands that were once made to stay now can fly because hardison buys her fidgets and designs some just for her and keeps locks in lucille for when parker feels like infinity and needs the vibrations of ticktickticks to bring her back to herself. and eliot lets her braid and unbraid his hair; he won't let her blow dry it, not yet, but... he lets her pet his hair while it's still hot, now. it frizzes his hair a little, and parker feels her pulse rush throughout the day knowing she did that to him. eliot and hardison kiss her knuckles when they burn.

parker and eliot allow hardison to be mean. vindictive. he is nicer than he needs to be. wants to be... what he needs to be is nonthreatening, for the most part, in many places. he knows what it means to be him: tall and black and queer and gaining muscle and too smart for his own damn good and so very, very tenderhearted. hardison loves so damn deep, and he cares so damn much, but part of caring (the other side of a coin) is not giving a fuck. it's the boiling point of rage and betrayal. the i need to walk away from this fight because you are dead wrong and imma about to say something imma regret, so go fix yourself. the im not gonna forget, im not going to forgive, and im going to get my revenge. parker and eliot would not have questioned hardison's joy at securing the capture of the men that put him in that damn coffin; they hold space for him to be fully himself with all his ugly parts and his petty parts and the parts that do bring hardison shame if he thinks about it for too long. they know he's not perfect, and that? that feels like safety and love and forever to hardison.

[megumimania]

A BIRTHDAY — suguru geto

summary: geto’s birthday doesn’t come without a period of reflection.

content/warnings: geto x black fem reader, set a couple years after hidden inventory arc, established relationship, semi angsty, suggestive, italics are used to signify past conversations,am i late to the party yes but who cares! i fought tooth and nail for this not to have a happu ending

“so what do you say?” suguru’s hand reached out for yours with a charming smile that made it hard for you to say no to. “i’d say that this is the most insane idea you’ve ever had, but im in.”

you really don’t know why you took up his offer that day.

yes, you could argue that you were foolish. caught up in the fantasy of running away from all your responsibilities as a sorcerer or maybe it was because you were curious to see how his plan of eradicating all the non sorcerers in japan would play out.

the sounds of birdsong resounded throughout the grand estate. acting as background noise whilst you laid against one of the pillars out back as you lit up a cigarette—a habit that you picked up in high school. a time in your life that ended just as quickly as it began.

however that didn’t stop you from reminiscing about the memories. never did you indulge in them for too long though, afraid that you would be clinging on to a life that was no longer yours.

besides you lived a different life now.

you were older and now responsible for two adorable little girls mimiko and nanako. they were your entire world and you made sure they knew of that spoiling them rotten with a bunch of toys and cute outfits.

aside from the girls, you and suguru’s relationship was pretty rocky to say the least—years of built up emotions and unspoken words drove a wedge between you both. for you it grew harder and harder to turn a blind eye to what he was doing.

the constant killing of non sorcerers and consuming of curses changed him as a whole. his goals became more lofty and vague rather than being practical and tangible.this often lead to hushed arguments between you both that caused you both to bring your ideologies into focus, making you question if losing everything was worth it at all.

“don’t you think this is all getting out of hand?” you asked one night, wrapping up your hair for bed. too tired to even start an argument.

“it’s extreme yes but it’s necessary.” he replied with a chilling coldness that was unlike him. it was obvious he’d thought this was the absolute truth and you couldn’t convince him otherwise.

he was too far gone.

“necessary? are you hearing yourself?” you felt your blood run cold. the man you once knew now stood before you a stranger.

“i understand it may not be to your tastes but this is the only way.” he replied curtly, signalling the end of the conversation.

he never apologised. leaving you both in the constant cycle of fighting, fucking and making up with each other. some days you’d be playing happy families, taking the girls to school or the park which made you forget about all the chaos that loomed around you.

other days were spent meeting with potential clients who sought out geto as a last resort; using up most of their life savings or last pay-check in hopes that master geto could cure them of their ails or bad luck. you pitied them the most. they were usually the elderly who rarely never made it out alive unless they paid on time.

with a man like suguru the carnage bled into all avenues of his life; his blood splatters in the hallway, the blood on the walls, even on his robes. the metallic scent of blood still lingered when he buried himself in you. no matter how many times you scrubbed yourself clean, you still felt tainted by him.

however you couldn’t dwell on these thoughts for any longer, you had a birthday to celebrate.

you stubbed out the remainders of your cigarette and headed back inside, plastering a false smile on your face as you greeted the kitchen staff. you were presented with suguru’s cake—a rich chocolate cake that had the girls scribbly hand writing in red icing making you smile.

you and the girls carried the cake and his gifts to his room being sure to knock thrice. he opened the door his usual neat top knot now spilling across his shoulders, his robes quite disheveled—yet he still looked handsome as ever.

“happy birthday papa geto!” the girls said in unison holding out their gifts for him to take. suguru’s eyes crinkled as he smiled at them, taking the gifts and setting them down on his desk.

he locked eyes with the cake and you saw a glimpse of his former self peeking through. “you did all this for me?” he looked at the girls with disbelief, feigning surprise knowing damn well he heard you and the girls causing a ruckus in the kitchen.

“yes we did papa do you like it?” nanako the more outspoken of the duo asks but nonetheless their eyes sparkle in anticipation, eagerly waiting for their dad’s approval. suguru lifts them up into his arms and looks at them with such a rare softness that they only got to see.

“i love it more than anything girls, thank you.” he peppered the girls faces with kisses making them break out into a fit of giggles as they tried to break free from his grasp.

it was a picturesque sight of domesticity that you wanted to capture and relive over and over again until it was ingrained into your mind. until you could live and breathe this moment again.

once he blew the candles and the tendrils of smoke dissipated into the morning sun. mimiko was eager to ask what he wished for but in true suguru fashion he was tight lipped about it, standing firm even after all their pestering.

mimiko and nanako eventually gave up and left to play outside, their burning curiosity fizzling out. you and suguru were left alone and it seemed like the celebratory mood died as soon the girls left the room.

“what did you wish for?” you asked into the echo chamber of the bedroom. the silence was driving you mad. “you.” he replied not missing a beat as he inched closer to you. the way he said it with such conviction almost fooled you into believing him.

your treacherous heart betrayed you once again exposing how much you missed him, how much you needed him.

“you already have me.” you said matter of factly, clearing your throat as if it would quell the conflicting feelings of desire and resentment you had towards him.

suguru picked up on your conflicting wave of emotions and paused. “sorry.” he muttered before continuing “I shouldn’t have—I should go.”

and just like that the axis between you both tilted from growing tension to mild tolerance .

you wondered if you should’ve just caved in and enjoyed the fleeting moment of pleasure he offered, knowing how good his touch felt but you knew it was for the best not to fall for it again.

maybe one day you’ll both come to an agreement that this was no longer working. but you were just fine with dancing around the topic until one of you finally had the guts to end things.

[devinkrispy]

April 8th, the rain isn’t letting up, everyone is trapped in.

As I let this soothing song play in my ears it brings memories back to when I first heard it, my first playthrough in P5, it also brought back specific memories I had to the original thoughts to when I first made my channel, or any online presence for that matter. I simply wanted a community for people who were just as chronically online as I was. However looking back I searched the wrong areas.

As glad as I am now, I do wonder what would it be like if I Decided to just dive into the deep web of places like 4 Chan, or niche communities of tumblr.

Community is all I wanted, as of now I can say I have mine now. But the methods of getting here. Were they worth it? Was it worth going through the hell that was shokus, witnessing the hell of troupe, just for internet lore?

That’s all it is at the end of the day technically, if you turn your devices off and act like none of it happened you wouldn’t be technically wrong.

Shit Let’s take the one who shall not be named for example, they left and acted like we didn’t exist (at least I assume) then Beni followed shortly after.

That makes you think of what you could really do with your online persona. Which in itself is a weird concept. How does one make a persona strictly for the online space? How does one separate it from their IRL counterpart without any tension or trouble? Wouldn’t time be a significant factor here?

Then that makes me think of what could happen when I get my own crib, I’ll get the prolonged alone time I oh so yearn. But what’s to say I won’t fall back into the old habits that I did when I was chronically online?

Would I be wrong for being chronically online again? Would I be wrong to be less online? Does it really matter, does anything matter for that matter? Even when you think of everything going on at this exact moment would it even fucking matter?

What would everyone do if the earth explodes in 24 hours? Probably mayhem. But say that didn’t happen, how would everyone feel about their life?

If you 🫵🏾 were to be told your life ends in 24 hours would you be happy?

And if you say no, why? Is it something you can fix? If not why dwell on it? If you can fix it? What’s stopping you? Nothing.

Nothing stopped Beni and them from leaving, Nothing is stopping me from moving out,

Nothing is stopping you from transitioning in any stage of life, why are we as humans so afraid of change when we so desperately need it sometimes?

Of course this applies to me too. But then again who wouldn’t it apply to? Every second I’m awake I’m dedicated my life to change. I don’t care in what form or what way, weather I am changing my ideals, my clothes, my body, my life, my bank, it doesn’t matter what it is, I can no longer stay stagnant, nothing changes if nothing changes. So personally my mask needs to be taken off itself. I can no longer sit here and expect another life changing event to walk in my life like it’s been doing all my life ESPECIALLY since I am an adult now. I have to make change if I want change for the better or worse. I’m embracing the Bad now. I love it, confusing time in identity, that’s great that means something is changing. Financial struggles? That means something changing, friends leaving me? People I was close with not fucking with me? My favorite foods not hitting no more? My gaming hours go down? It all boils down to change and I need to stop resisting it. The only way to do so is to go about life and shut up. Whenever God, the universe, whatever you wanna call it is speaking I should listen. And that’s what I’ve been doing. My outlook on life has been changing recently. Way more than I originally expected, I’m way less strict about everything now. I don’t care what I’m doing in 10 years. What am I doing now ? I woke up, what am I doing with my life currently? I go to school, work, and I come home to game. Rinse and repeat, I’m not living IM just existing.

AND I REFUSE to simply exist when I can experience life and all it has out for me. What would be the point if I couldn’t go out and live my life the way I wanted to. Because at the end of the day we are shapeshifters too. It’s just not physical. We change so much as living beings that there’s no way we can be the same people for our entire lifetime, we probably live 7 lifetimes over, do you know how much can happen in 10 years, 5years, 1 year, 6 months? 2 weeks? Shit nigga A FUCKING DAY????! We have to be more aware of this ! They try to make us Goal driven, which don’t get me wrong is great! But we’re thinking of it all wrong! People think of goals as accomplishments when we should plan our goals based off experiences! My goal is to be a father and a wonderful teacher to three beautiful children so they can also experience life and spread knowledge.

That’s what it’s all about, experiencing life so you have a story to tell.

We are always caught up on what other people’s story is, what they are gonna do, what’s your story?

In story writing they have a term for when the character goes through a journey that teaches them a lesson, they call it an Arc,

What’s your Arc?

[enchantestuff]

cursed crown (1) - pierre gasly

in which sneaking into Pierres kingdom only means one thing

warnings: smut, royalty au so there's that, language maybe?

please please please let me know what you all think

“Are you alright?” you heard Pierre quietly call from the window above you. You had just arrived at his castle and were currently trying to climb up to the kitchen window, admittedly with no help from the prince himself.

“A little bit of help would be nice, Your Highness” you scoffed. Pierre laughed at the title you gave him but obliged nevertheless, leaning out of the window and stretching his arm downwards, waving it in front of your face teasingly. You rolled your eyes as you grabbed hold of it, “I thought I was supposed to be the mean one out of the two of us” you muttered when you finally climbed through the window and planted your feet firmly on the ground. You brushed some dirt away from your coat before finally meeting his beautiful blue eyes.

“Perhaps you're rubbing off on me, my lady,” Pierre grinned. He grabbed hold of your hand and quickly led the two of you out of the grand kitchen, carefully glancing across corridors and hiding behind walls as maids and a variety of guests walked through his pristine palace. You thought you would have been used to sneaking around his home by now, you had been doing it for months after all, but the trek from the kitchen to his bedroom was never an easy one. Even though Pierre had repeatedly confessed to you that this certain day of each month was the quietest, there still seemed to be countless people roaming the halls.

“I do quite hope you haven't acquired only my bad traits, Pierre,” you whispered, quickly glancing behind you as you ran up the stairs and into his bedroom. This was the riskiest part of your journey. The stairs that led up to his bedroom were open for anyone and everyone to see, whether it be from the inside balcony above or from the spacious hall below.

Pierre laughed at your comment, quickly shutting his bedroom door behind him and twisting his body around to face you. He placed his hands on your hips as he led you further into his bedroom. “Are you insinuating that you have any desirable qualities, my love?” he joked, his beloved silly grin quickly making its way onto his face causing your own smile to erupt on your own. These moments with Pierre were the only times you could truly be yourself and they didn't come around too often.

“Well of course, your highness” you smiled, snaking your hands up his arms to rest on his biceps. Pierre jokingly cocked an eyebrow at you, his hands trailing lower down your body, unable to keep them still for a second.

“And why is that?” he pondered, frowning slightly as you pulled away from him to take off your coat and climb onto his freshly made bed, getting comfortable in the silk sheets before peeking at him through your lashes.

“Because you crawl into bed with me every month” you teased. Your eyes trailed across his bedside table, smiling at the familiarity of it. Since the beginning of your late night rendezvous the contents of the table had never changed. There always lay a map of Othain, a journal which he had forbidden you to read and his beloved crown, the one that always lay atop of his head except during these moments with you and of course, when he was sleeping.

You carefully picked the crown up from where it lay and placed it onto your own head. It was much lighter than your own, less jewels scattered around it. It was a breath of fresh air. You didn't feel suffocated wearing it. Didn't feel weighed down by what it symbolized. “Now as your queen, i command you to come over here, for i have been deprived of your touch for far too long”

Pierre chuckled at your words, his steps towards his bed were deliberately slow. He knew how to tease you and from the glare you sent his way, he knew it was working. He crawled onto his bed, positioning himself on top of you and adjusting his crown on your head. “Well then, your majesty, I suspect that I am obliged to prove myself to you?” he jokingly questioned.

“Those are quite possibly the smartest words to leave your lips, my love” you commented. Unable to contain yourself any further, you pulled him towards you, finally connecting your lips after weeks apart from one another. Pierre didn't hesitate to kiss you back, but the short lasting kiss was not what you expected and a frown appeared on your face the minute he pulled away. “As much as I love your teasing, Pierre, I would really prefer it if you didn’t indulge in those habits right now.”

He smirked evilly as he trailed one of his hands down your thigh. “Is her majesty upset with my actions?” he pondered, his smirk not once leaving his face as he crawled further down the bed. Kisses were scattered across your thigh and the silent frustrated sigh that left your lips was a good enough answer for Pierre.

“Her majesty thinks she should get what she wants,” you selfishly spoke. You pulled lightly on Pierre's hair, a desperate attempt to get you closer to him again, to remove his lips from your thigh and place them on your own instead. Was that really too much to ask for?

“Well, I personally think she needs to stop being a brat and shut up for once in her life.” Your lips parted to scold him for his language but instead of rude comments, moans of pure delight seemed to leave your lips as Pierre attached his mouth to your core. He knew how to shut you up and for once in your life, you weren't complaining.

You tugged on his hair, pulling him closer into you as your head fell back in pleasure. Pierres crown slipped to fall beside you on the pillow but you paid it no mind as you felt pleasure pass through you like lightning bolts. “Oh Pierre,” you moaned as he lapped at your core similar to a man deprived of a meal. He couldn’t get enough of you.

Pierres fingers dug into your thighs as he moved to suck on your clit. “Shit,” you cursed as you felt the familiar knot begin to build in your stomach. After spending so much time with you and your body, Pierre believed he knew you inside out, which as a result meant he knew exactly when you were going to cum. He felt oh so evil as he brought you to your peak, only to pull away from you at the last second. The frown on your face was enough to make him feel slightly guilty. Only slightly.

“I am going to declare war on you, Pierre Gasly, '' you seethed, completely unsatisfied and now purely annoyed. You hadn’t trekked all the way to his kingdom in the middle of the night just for him to bring you towards the most amazing pleasure imaginable and leave you high and dry at the last moment.

“I'm afraid you don't have the power to do that yet, love” he grinned. He didn't give you any time to come up with a witty reply as he placed a chaste kiss to your lips before undressing himself in front of you.

“Is this your form of apologizing?” because well, it was working, there's just something about a handsome prince undressing before your very eyes that got you going.

“I was planning on making you cum over and over again, love” he spoke, stretching his arm out beside your head in order to place his crown back on your head. You looked so powerful with it on. You always looked powerful, but his own crown laying in your hair brought freshness to you that he didn't know was possible. It made his chest lighten and butterflies erupt in his stomach. It made him feel five again. “But if this is enough im happy to stop here and continue another time.”

You scoffed at him. Keeping one hand on the crown, you trailed your hand down your body, gripping onto your breast, maintaining eye contact with him as you did so, before moving further down your body. You ran your fingers up and down your folds, spreading the wetness gathered there before inserting one inside. “If you cant pleasure me, i guess i'll have to do it myself,” you muttered, knowing deep down that there was nothing Pierre hated more than you pleasuring yourself in front of him. It felt like a betrayal. Like he wasn’t enough.

Your plan succeeded spectacularly, as they always did, and in no time he was positioned on top of you, his tip teasingly brushing against your entrance. He dragged your hand away from your core and held it above your head. His grip was almost death-like and you found yourself relishing in the pain it brought.

“Don't doubt me for a second, love” Pierre grunted in your ear as he tapped his cock against your clit. You bit your lip at the sensation but allowed him to continue with his scolding. You knew there was nothing but love behind his words and so, to no surprise, you got more excited with each word that fell from his lips. “I think you know first hand the kind of pleasure I can bring you.” You gasped at the feeling of him filling you up. After nearly two weeks of not seeing each other, the sensation of him inside you was better than you had remembered. You transferred his crown onto his own head, an indication that whatever power you had over him was now practically non-existent. You were truly at his mercy.

“I'm sure you haven't forgotten the many times i've made you scream, love. I can do it again if your memory has begun to fail you.”

Pierre was always one to live up to his word. His sharp deliberate thrusts made your eyes roll back and several moans escaped your lips. You haven't been with any other man except Pierre and you would never need to. He knew your body more than you did and the delight that he brought you was extraordinary.

The squeezing of your wrist made your eyes snap open. His beautiful eyes were already watching you withering underneath him. A look of pure adoration plastered on his face as his hips continued to move at a rapid pace. “Shit, Pierre”

Pierre shook his head at you, a lopsided grin replacing his usual smirk as he leaned down to kiss your chest. “That's not what i want to hear, love.”

He was playing your own game against you, but you were too full of gratification to care. “P- please, your highness.” A blush crept up your cheeks at the seriousness of your own voice. You were no longer mocking him with his title but moaning it in pure delight.

Pierre cocked his head at you, “Please what, love? Use your words.” Tingles made its way onto your skin from kisses he scattered over your neck, goosebumps trailing in their wake. You didn't even process your words until they were out in the open.

“Fuck me like your life depends on it.”

And he did. His thrusts became unbelievably precise, his free hand roamed your body, circling and squeezing all the right places while his other intertwined with yours. You knew there would be marks left from where he had held on too hard, but you didn't see it as a mark of pain rather than an indication of what had gone on between you two.  A reminder for the next long two weeks ahead of you.

The clenching of your walls for the second time that night indicated to Pierre you were close. “Hold on, love” he ushered. Something that was incredibly hard to do when he was pounding into you like an animal and circling your clit like he was under a spell.

“I - i can't,” you sobbed. You wanted so bad to release the knot in your stomach, to catch the orgasm you had been chasing all night.

“I said hold it.” He was in control, that much was clear, but you could only hold on for so long until your body couldn’t take it anymore.

“P - pierre, fuck!”

“That's it, love,” Pierre groaned in your ear, “Hold on for just another moment, such a good girl for me.” Your eyes rolled back and your gripped onto his hand for dear life. “Don't know what id do without you.” Your heart skipped a beat and tears began welling in your eyes. “Look so pretty right now, taking me like the queen you'll soon be.” Your breath increased and a whimper left your lips.

“You can let go now, love.”

Nights with Pierre were often sleepless. You had plenty of time to sleep when you were alone in your bedroom. Two nights each month you spent facing the beautiful prince, talking about utter nonsense until your cheeks hurt from smiling too hard and your eyes drooped from being awake for too long.

“Im being sent somewhere tomorrow,” you whispered into the darkness, playing with his hands as you dared to break the silence around you. You could feel him tense up next to you, obviously assuming the worst and imagining an attack his own kingdom. His own people. “Not you, “ you reassured, your heart fluttering when he immediately relaxed beside you, “Some rebels gathering together behind the mountains, I’ll have to leave early in the morning.”

It hurt you to cut your already short time with Pierre even shorter, but duty called and once your father demands your presence on a mission, you had no choice than show up.

“I hate the fact you have to go out on these stupid battles,” Pierre confided. He hadn’t taken his eyes off you all night, wanting to imprint the image of your face in his mind until the next time he saw you again.

“Well, unlike you, I have to prove myself to everyone.” It was the harsh reality of your world, one that you were reminded of at each public event you attended. You were a woman and for that reason, deemed unworthy of ruling.

“You wouldn’t have to prove yourself to anyone if you ran away with me,” he reminded. Without fail, every time you met up with Pierre, he brought up the idea of running far away to another kingdom, one where the two of you could live like commoners and not have to worry about the state of a kingdom nor dooming battles. It was a daydream that both frightened and enticed you in the best ways possible.

“You really think you can survive without all this luxury?” you pondered, your hands immediately running up and down the silk sheets on top of you as your eyes floated across the numerous jewels and paintings scattered around his room.

“With you next to me?” he asked. His hand came to rest on your jaw, moving your face closer to his own as he spoke his true desires out loud, “Of course.”

[bluesora]

when you go for a drive with them

bokuto kōtarō & akaashi keiji ; kuroo tetsurō & kozume kenma ; hanamaki takahiro & matsukawa issei

fluff ; headcanon ; platonic relationship ; age up!!

note: just me channeling my wants into fics because what are friends when i only have imaginary ones ha ha ha im kidding. please enjoy !!

bokuto kōtarō & akaashi keiji

it was unplanned. impromptu. and most definitely bokuto’s idea.

he tried to call you but upon seeing his name flash across your screen at 4am, you declined it.

only on the fifth try did you see that it was akaashi and picked it up immediately. he rarely calls, so you thought it might actually be something urgent this time.

“so...remind me why am i awake at at this ungodly hour again?”

“we’re going to watch the sunrise together!!!” bokuto grinned through the rear mirror.

“and i agreed because...?”

“you get free breakfast from us.” akaashi answered as a matter of fact.

which doesn’t sound so bad now that you guys haven’t had the time to chill together as often anymore.

with paper bags of burgers and drinks beside you, bokuto drove up to the hill closest to fukurodani high where many fond memories reside.

being squeezed in the middle of the two on the trunk, you wondered how time had passed so quickly.

“remember how we used to race up this hill and i always win?”

“it’s not a race if you’re the only one running bokuto-san.”

“and you are still calling kou so formally?”

“i guess old habits die hard.”

only when the sky dyed in shades of orange and yellow did the sound of chattering drizzled down.

while bokuto and akaashi was watching the miraculous moment of the sun waking the world up, you realized how much you missed the times you’ve spent with these two.

“we should do this again...”

“we totally should!! but you don’t pick up my calls y/n!!” bokuto sulked.

with that, only the sound of you and akaashi’s laughter filled the tranquility of this precious moment.

kuroo tetsurō & kozume kenma

kuroo invited you over to kenma’s house for some drinks and catching up. that was what you initially thought.

until you found yourself shoved into his car with kenma lying on the back seat playing his game.

“i could actually sue you for kidnapping you know?”

“it’s not kidnapping if it’s a road trip, right kenma?”

“don’t make me your accomplice when i’m a victim too.”

it’s been a while since you took a long break from work so getting some fresh air out of the city was just what you need as well.

of course, knowing them, they probably planned it beforehand since kuroo isn’t one with much free time in the first place.

and for the first time in a while you decided might as well do what you want.

connecting your phone to the car’s bluetooth system, you went through your nostalgic high school playlist while bringing the window down.

“oh this song! you’d always play whenever we had to clean up the gym.”

“if it gets people moving, it’ll be on the playlist.”

“yamamoto crack his voice once when he tried to impress you with his singing.”

you laughed wholeheartedly, remembering the scene kenma reminded you of. it was so hilarious but adorable at the same time. even kenma chuckled softly from the back.

as the excitement died down, only the music from the speakers filled the comfortable silence as you admire the scenery under the sunny afternoon sun.

“thank you for your kind invitation tetsu, i guess i am in need of a break.”

“awww you don’t have to cry y/n~”

“argh i’m not!”

hanamaki takahiro & matsukawa issei

“did you get everything? snacks? drinks? what else do we need?”

“yeah yeah i got it all. your favorite strawberry pocky too.” matsukawa dropped the bag of stuff onto your lap as he climbed back to the driver’s seat.

“what about my condoms?” hanamaki joked, only to get smacked on the back of his head from you.

“tell me why am i friends with you two again?”

“because we are the better duo—”

“because you’re afraid of oikawa and iwaizumi is always with him” matsukawa just had to remind you of that frightful day huh.

putting on your seatbelt, you sighed into your seat with a frown. it wasn’t anything drastic but you’ve always been pretty antisocial and somehow being with oikawa kind of drained your energy a lot more than you think.

“you make it sound like you guys are the second option.”

“of course not y/n, we will never forget the day you rejected him but said okay to me and mattsun when we asked immediately after.”

hanamaki laughed while matsukawa chuckled at the familiar memory. it did quite a big blow to oikawa to be honest.

after a few more minutes of bringing up embarrassing past events, you can see the ocean coming into view as the car exits the tunnel.

rolling down the window, you can almost smell the saltiness of the ocean as strong wind blew your hair back freely.

“i call dips on throwing y/n first!”

“hiro, don’t you dare!” you practically glared at the smirking male.

“why call dips when you can grab her arms while i grab her legs?”

you groaned in annoyance but only to feel your lips breaking into a huge grin because you just know how much fun you’ll have when you’re with them.

“oh did i mention i’m actually on my period right now?”

“that’s why i got you tampons, don’t worry and just have fun.” matsukawa grinned with lazy ass look he always have when he know you can’t say anything back.

“seriously why are we friends?”

[violetnotez]

Is the this the longest fic Ive ever written? Yes. Does it suck? Also yes. Will nobody read it because it makes no sense but Im still going to post because I wasted way too much damn on this thing? TRIPLE YES.

Word count: 10.4k words (she thicc)

Genre: Angst and Fluff, sfw

AU: Fantasy AU!, Hanahaki disease

Prompt: “How could your keep this from?”

Warnings: blood

Summary: You are born into a worls where you must marry your best friend, Prince Shoto, in order to unite your kingdoms in harmony. You are happy to marry your childhood friend and love, until he leaves for a quest unannounced, and you are left questioning if you really want to marry him. Once he returns a few weeks before your planned wedding, you begin to not fall in love with him, but one of his comrades- the barbarian, Bakugo. 

*this is for the even for @bnhabookclub​! Heres the link to the post if your interested!

Again. welcome to the shitshow that is my blog. read at your own risk cause this gets REAL WIERD REAL QUICK

Petals-all you could see were the petals.

Your mouth and  throat felt so dry, your forehead damp with sweat as your back convulsed painfully, raspy coughs wracking out of your chest as you forced the petals out of your body.

They were so pale, like creamy vanilla, a stark contrast from the droplets of your blood splattered on the delicate buds.

You quickly reached for your handkerchief, wiping the residue off your dry mouth in fear of it dribbling on to your white dress-your wedding dress. Your hands were shaking, unable to cry any more tears at your misery-you had come to terms many weeks ago that you were going to reach an unhappy end.

Why did it have to be him?

----------------

You were the princess of your kingdom, destined to marry Prince Shoto of the neighboring kingdom. It was something you two had been accustomed to from birth- in order to connect  the two kingdoms and end the quarrels between the two civilizations, you had to marry. It would be a harmonious marriage: Prince Shoto was kind, soft spoken, and a natural born leader. You two had been wonderful friends as siblings, your fathers putting away their troubles in order for you two to get along. They were hoping that by making you friends at a young age, you would learn to grow feelings for each other.

 For a time, it worked-you had fallen for Prince Shoto, his soft yet powerful demeanor making you  blush each time you remembered him, your young hands writing your name with his last in your journal like a prayer. At 13 you already began to count down the days until you would turn 18, because on that day, you were set to marry your predestined lover- Shoto Todoroki.

For years you had felt so lucky you were blessed with such a sweet boy to be with, being able to live out your lives harmoniously and in peace, something both your parents didn't have the luxury to have. It sometimes left you feeling frustrated- Shoto was truly kind, but very quiet about his thoughts. Your love felt one sided, Shoto seemingly only tolerating you because he had to. 

Once he got older, he became more distant towards you, clearly wishing to rebel against his father’s wishes by being distant towards you. It hurt you immensely to see your best friend and crush plainly reject you, but you still held on to the hope that you two could be happy with each other. Yet all that changed when the Prince had left for a quest.

He had been gone for what seemed like an eternity and for a time, you were extremely worried. You could barely focus on your studies, only imagining your poor friend somewhere cold, hungry, and alone. You knew he would be fine, he was a resilient fighter, but yet you couldn't help but allow the worrisome thoughts to collect in your brain. After news that the Prince was in a neighboring kingdom, safely traveling with a young boy, a witch, and a warrior, you felt at ease- with all those comrades, he was sure to be safe. You finally breathed a sigh of relief, able to calm your anxieties after a long time of being unable to.

 Information continued to trickle in, sometimes good and sometimes bad, but it always stated that the Prince was spotted safe and sound. You took solace in that information, and for awhile, you began to worry less and less about Shoto, until he was barely a memory.

During that time, you had begun to take on the habit of reading. Before it was a task you simply did when forced or extremely bored, only reading books and stories from your own kingdom. 

With so much extra time on your hands waiting upon the Prince to return, you began to learn of other stories, ones that were trully a delight to you: stories of nomads who traveled the country and did rituals to bring them fortunes, women who sold potions by gathering mystical ingredients from the woods, people choosing their own destines and their own paths. It intrigued you- from birth you had one mission for your life: to unite your kingdoms. Once you married Prince Shoto, your destiny would be complete: and then what would you do? You had no other purpose, except being a symbol of that peace for the rest of your life, sitting pretty on a throne until your last breath. 

It began to eat at your insides, gnaw at your conscience that you were merely a pawn in your father’s legacy. You could now fully understand why Shoto had been so defiant: he had realized the truth of his life as well.

Slowly, you began to learn to dread instead of anticipate your wedding day. With the Prince being gone, it was sending quite a ruckus in your home, your father more annoyed with each passing day that the Prince had not come back. You, on the other hand, rejoiced. The kings had both agreed at your times of birth that if anything happened to either child before your 18th birthday, the agreement would be cancelled and the marriage no more. They would rely on their children to fix their broken ties. 

You had just turned 17, the mental clock beginning to tick  in you and your father’s minds, as the Prince still wasn't back form his quest. Just a few more months, and you would both have your wishes: Shoto seemed to have no interest in marrying you, and why should you even for that matter? You two truly didnt love each other- your friendship was a hoax your fathers had created in order to save their own legacies. Your love for each other was man-made and a lie. Just a few more months, and you'd be free of this terrible fate.

------------

The day you turned 17 and a half, you were busying yourself on your plush pink bed, reading another novel about free spirited women in a far off land.

“Princess y/n,” your hand maiden opened the door quietly, afraid of disturbing you, “the King would like to speak with you.”

You gave your shy handmaiden a small smile, delicately marking the spot in your book as your feet landed on the cold floor. 

“Thank you,” you replied, “Ill be there shortly.”

You entered your father’s study, his feet stomping the room heavily as he paced in deep thought.

The room was grand, a golden chair sitting in front of an old ebony desk, the room surrounded by maps, battle plans, and bookcases full of legends of stories written long before your time. Light flitted through long windows against the wall, looking out to the rural countryside and a matching red carpet run the lengths of the stone floors.

Your entrance seemed to have disturbed your Father’s train of thought, his head instantly looking to see who had interrupted him. Once he saw it was you, he sighed, greeting you with a tight smile.

“You wished to see me Father?’ you asked politely, your fingers tugging nervously at the sleeves of your dress. Your father never called upon you unless it was extremely important- had you done something wrong? You wracked your mind for any actions that would had been unwise for your father to find out, but to your surprise, you couldnt think of a single thing you had done.

“Yes, yes,” your father said hastily, waving his hands toward a small wooden chair at the foot of his desk, “please-sit. We have much to discuss.”

You sat on the hard chair, a chill traveling your back as you watched your father sit in his plush throne, his face clearly tired.

“As we all know, Prince Shoto has been on a quite a long quest for some time,” your father began, his voice deep with annoyance, “and has not come back. And with your 18th birthday fast approaching, and it worries me that the boy wont be back in time for your marriage. I have talked to King Todoroki about my worries,  who also had the same fear, and he promised to bring the boy back and end his little shenanigan. But Shoto refuses to leave until his quest is complete.” 

Your father took in a deep breath through his nose, his face a mix of anger and agitation.

Your heart beat excitedly- the prince wasnt coming back? The news bounced happily inside you, giving you some hope that you needed- that must have been why he had gone on that quest in the first place! Even though you were excited, you felt a tightness in your chest- you were childhood firend after all. He really didnt like you that much that he felt he had to run away?

“Oh dont look so solemn daughter,” your father comforted, his voice soft with sympathy,” Shotos father allowed the boy to finish his quest in 5 months’ time, and he is forced to return to his kingdom. In the meantime, we can not forget the whole reason for your marriage like young Todoroki has- you must connect the kingdoms in order to bring harmony.``

“Which is why,” your father added, “we must begin to plan the wedding.”

Your head shot up, the feeling of shock flooding your body. It was still going to happen? Your body began to feel heavy, your father's words fuzzy against your ear- you didn't want this, any of this. You felt trapped like a songbird in a cage, unable to scream out what you desperately wanted to say: if he didnt love you, you didnt want any part of this.

Your father seemed to not notice the look of terror on your face, continuing to inform you of his plan. “We already have sent out invitation to relatives and noblemen in other countries, as well as begin to plan out the festivities. It will be a 3 day event, full of food and parties and, of course, the celebration of our kingdoms coming together. The closer to the date, we will begin to need you for fittings of your dresses as well as rehearse your wedding vows and such. I promise I will make this as wonderful as I can, for you are my only daughter.” 

The king smiled at you, wrapping your stiff body into a hug. You could barely feel his embrace- the world was numb to your screaming mind. You wished upon everything in you to end this, to make this all go away, but you knew you couldn't- you would be forced to do this whether you wanted to or not. 

You simply nodded your head to your father’s parting words, and then ran to your quarters, shutting the door and ceremoniously throwing yourself on your bed in defeat.

--------------

For days you felt numb and broken, all fight leaving your body. You watched as all your handmaidens and servants ran like chickens around the castle, preparing for the enormous festivities coming in close time. You were a good and proper princes, silently placid and allowing everything around you to happen.

 Flower arrangements, samples of sweets, and  fabrics for your dresses all came to you, and you agreed to all of them or just randomly choose. You could care less for your “special day”- the only thing you could truly hope for was prince Shoto ignoring his father’s wishes and not coming back.

That, of course, was a wishful fantasy. You were having a blissful dream when your hand maiden barged into your room, clearly too excited to be considerate of your sleeping state.

“Miss y/n! Miss y/n! Oh please wake up! There is most wonderful news!” she cried excitedly, gently pulling the covers off your body, “You must get ready at once!”

“Prince Shoto- he is back from his quest!”

---------

The whole of the kingdom rejoiced at the news, since he had arrived a month before the wedding. He was here, ready to marry and unite the kingdom. That was all that truly mattered.

Your handmaiden dressed you in your most elegant gown, the icy aqua color bringing out the rosiness of your cheeks, as she placed pearly ornaments in your hair. You felt like you were being presented as a gift to the Prince, a reminder of what he was destined to do. You sighed, dreading having to reunite with your once friend and secret love.

Shoto was standing in the ballroom of your castle, very accustomed to it since you both played here occasionally as children. He was used to the golden floors and the crystal chandeliers the sizes of boulders, all hung gracefully in a row on the ebony ceiling. Him and his company were standing shoulder to shoulder, facing the polished staircase cascading towards them.

He looked at his new found friend’s faces, their expressions clearly in shock. Izuku, his face ruddy with dirt and his cheeks aflame from nervousness as he twisted his shirt between his fingers (a nervous tick Shoto had noticed).  Uraraka gawked at the room around her in awe, her wide eyes drinking up the scene in front of her. Bakugo was least impressed, his arms crossed in front of his exposed chest and his eyes formed in judgmental slits.

 Shoto had told the others before why he had to go back, but only after the quest was over- he wanted to help his new found friends, and after promising to help them in their battle, he would have felt extremely guilty leaving them behind. 

Their reactions were mixed when he revealed he had a marriage in a few weeks time- Izuku was clearly shocked yet in awe hed be marrying a princess, while Uraraka seemed to find the situation romantic. Bakugo simply laughed, mocking him from being such a “sissy” for actually getting married in the first place.

Shoto was feeling conflicted inside at the moment- it had been so long since he had last seen you, and when he had, he was less than kind to you. He was quiet, distant, and quite petty about the whole situation of your marriage. You had turned barely 17 when he left, his young body desperate for some adventure and resilient to his father’s wishes. He merely saw you as a nuisance, someone in the way of his freedom. He knew it was unkind and unjustified, you didn't know what was going on inside him, but he was angry nevertheless and desperate to leave. So when he was approached by young boy in need of a friend for his quest, it was hard to resist the offer.

But as nights when on and he had time to be alone with his thoughts, his mind always seemed to travel to you. The way you giggled, your laughs sounding like chimes in the wind, or how your smile always seemed to make his skin tingle with warmth.

 You were always a strange girl, but always in the best way, daring Shoto to races even thought your father said it was “unlike a princess to do so” or trying to braid Shoto’s mix-matched hair.

 He would never forget the day he had allowed you to do so, your nimble fingers soft against his skin and making him burn up from nervousness. Your touch was so calming and soothing, your small compliments and soft voice sending his soul soaring with pleasure. It was then he realized he had loved you for you, not because he was forced to.

Shoto felt guilty for forgetting those cherished memories in his fits of anger, but he had agreed to help Izuku and he vowed to not give up on that promimse. Months went on, and Shoto couldnt tell how much time had passed: he only hoped you were doing okay without him. 

It wasnt until his father had came to collect him that he realized how short he was on time. He had still stuck by his friends, yet the constant reminders of your wedding was in the air, haunting him. They would travel through kingdoms, the whispers of this event following him as the townspeople began to talk. It was a wonder his friends never caught on except him, only to find out weeks before your wedding.

Now Shoto was standing in the ballroom, feeling quite nervous- he hadnt seen you in so long….would you look any different? He was certain your beauty had grown by then, the thought of you looking older and more womanly bringing a blush to his cheeks. How would you see him? He had become quite a different person on his quest, his body becoming more hardened from battles with bandits and the harsh life of travelling. Would you feel the same for him still? Were you just as excited as you were so many years ago to finally be together?

Shoto heard the clicks of shoes on the wooden floor, a man with the straightest back he had ever seen standing proudly at the steps of the stairs.The man took a deep breath, his voice traveling through the room as he announced your arrival to the group of travelers. 

Yet Shoto didnt hear a single word he said- he was enraptured by your beauty. You had seemed to turn into a fine young woman since he had last seen you, your curves accentuated by the tightness of your gown, the blue complimenting you perfectly. Your hair flowed in soft ringlets on your back, the pearls in your hair like stars. You were an angel blessed to this planet- an angel he was destined to marry.

The only thing that was worrying him was your expression- he had expected you to seem so much more lively, welcoming the bright smile you would always give him when you saw him. But now, your face was gone of any warmth, looking almost numb to the situation as you looked down at the group.

You traveled down the stairs, hating the way your name sounded in the announcer's voice. This was all so cliche- the Prince comes from a quest, and there is the Princess, simply a prize for his hardwork. A trophy of sorts for doing a good deed. Why did it have to be this why? Why couldnt you feel anything? The world had felt so cold for so long, feeling trapped due to the lack of control you had. Everything had seemed to loose its splendor and color, your vision for weeks turning gray in sadness-

Until you saw him.

The ash blonde boy, his hair unruly and his eyes a bright red like blood. He was clad in strange clothes, like a barbarian, his chest completely open and showcasing his taut muscles. You were intrigued by him- you had only seen likes of him in books and stories you read. He was so different, so menacing, and you wanted to know more. He was the only thing you could focus on, not taking any time to look at the others in the group, including Shoto.

Shoto was the first to reach you, unafraid to approach you like the rest of the group as you reached the bottom of the steps.

“Y/n-” he said, his voice deep and airy, “you look-wonderful.”

You gave him a small smile, but it made his heart sink- you didnt look happy at all. It seemed forced, far from the bright grins you used to send his way all the time.

“As do you, Shoto. You look quite different from when we last saw each other.”

You quickly turned your attention away from him, focusing on his new comrades instead.

 “I assume these are the young heroes that accompanied you on your journey?”

“Y-yes!” the young boy with the unruly green hair stuttered, nervously bowing his head. He was quite adorable in a way, his small stature and freckles dusted on his cheeks giving him a child-like quality (even though he was most likely your age). “My name is Izuku Midoriya!”

You gave a reassuring smile to the young boy, trying to make him feel comfortable.

 “It is wonderful to meet you Izuku.”

You began to walk towards the girl know, her pointy yet colorful hat signaling that she was a light witch, a sorceress who used your powers for good.

The girl shimmied in her dusty boots, clearly as nervous as the boy. She lifted the corners of her cloth dress, bowing slightly. 

“My name is Ochaco Uraraka, your highness,” she smiled sweetly, her cheeks dusted in a pinky glow.

“Ochaco…” you mused over the name, its sound foregin yet light on your tongue, “you are a light witch, I assume?”

“Yes, yes I am!” the girl practically squealed, relief seemingly flooding her face. ‘How did you know?”

You giggled a her amazement at you, completely unaware apparently that she had the most witch-like outfit you had ever seen.

“A lucky guess,” you shrugged your shoulders playfully as you began to walk again, your heart beginning to race as you edged toward the barbarian.

You stopped in front of the man, his stature a head taller than yours. You eyes looked slightly up at him, your cheeks reddening- he was much more handsome up close, his rugged features making you feel breathless. He un-apologetically judged you with his vermilion eyes, looking you up and down with scorn.

Why did you find that so attractive?

“And you are-” 

“My name is Bakugo.” he instantly interrupted you, his voice deep and velevty like syrup, “thats all you need to know.”

“Bakugo?” Your brain searched for any name similar to that, but found none- this boy was definitely a foreigner, most likely from far off lands you could only dream of. You had no idea why he followed Shoto back to the kingdom, but you were happy he did- he was definitely a sight for sore eyes.

“A warrior, I assume by your garments,” you nodded, your eyes trailing to his torso “and by the looks of your scars, an experienced one.”

He scoffed at your observations, his eyes rolling in his sockets.

“For a princess, your eyes wander a damn lot. But yeah- Im hella of a good warrior. Best in the kingdoms.”

You cocked an eyebrow at his language, your cheeks red  by his comment. He was so unapologetic and rude, yet- it was intoxicating to you. 

“I’m glad to here that.”

Shoto was eyeing you sadly the whole time- what was so different between you two? Why did you seem so welcoming to the others but so distant to him? His face began to turn red with fury as he watched you interact with Bakugo, the way Bakugo insulted you so plainly and cockily making him want to yell. He watched as your face had light up for just a moment when you spoke with him, something Shoto didn't get the luxury to experience. 

He also noticed what Bakugo had vocalized- you eyes did wander when you looked at him. Shoto at first tried to rationalize that you were simply being curious, since Bakugo was definitely a strange sight for you, but the way your cheeks blushed and you smiled so warmly at him made him think otherwise.

 What did you see in that barbarian that you didnt with Shoto? 

You looked again at the odd group, taking a deep breath through your lungs.

“I want to congratulate you all for your successful quest,” you began, the lines slightly rehearsed, “and as thanks from my father for bringing back Prince Shoto, he would like to welcome you all for dinner tonight. We  would love to hear all about your journey then,” you then snuck one last look at Bakugo, his eyes boaring into yours. It was making you feel a warmth inside that you had thought long ceased.

You instantly looked down at your hands, your cheeks feeling hot. You knew this was wrong- you shouldn't feel smitten for any other boy, especially this warrior, yet you couldnt help it- you were entranced by his resilience and the freedom he had, something you could only dream of. 

“If youll excuse me, I have - things to attend to. It was a pleasure to see you all” you gave the group a tight smile, turning your back quickly from the group to follow your handmaiden back to your quarters.

Shoto watched you until you were gone, his heart beating painfully. He wished he could run up to you, grab you by your wrist and ask you what was the matter. It was still him, your friend for all those years, and you were still you, his love and his best friend. Were you beginning to forget, like he did? He felt his stomach drop painfully at the idea- he would ask you, tonight. He would figure out what had happened between you two, and fix it.

--------------

You were now at dinner, sitting stiffly as you moved your food around your plate, your tight corset making you feel un-hungry. All night you had been detached and quiet, feeling almost sick by your surroundings. Your father was overly outgoing to the guest,giving you side-eyed glances and trying to enter you in the conversation. You would simply smile and nod, occasionally throwing in a comment before returning to squishing your food between your utensils.

The only time you ever seemed interested was when Bakugo would speak. His comments were all snarky and rude, completely self centered about how strong or intelligent he was.

 He was constantly proving his worth throughout the dinner, taking over the story of their journey when he saw fit, making sure everyone knew he was the most capable one of the group. It was obscene, his remarks, his language, even his personality, but- you were intrigued by it. The only person he had to listen to was himself. It was so intoxicating to watch him talk, to hear what other remarks would leave his mouth. Whenever he spoke, you stood up a little straighter, taking time to take in any information he gave about himself and immortalize it  into your brain.

Shoto had felt awkward the whole meal, not knowing how to gauge your emotions. You seemed so distant, as if a stranger was sitting next to him. He wished he could enter your mind, detangle all the emotions and thoughts that were keeping you from being yourself around him. There was no laughter, no genuine smiles, no happiness came from you. This bothered him- you were usually so cheerful. His nervousness was eating the inside of his stomach, as his mind still couldn't figure out how to approach you after dinner.

“-and the wedding will be a three day celebration, full of festivities,” your father continued boisterously, his voice booming embarrassingly around the room, “Shoto and y/n will be the main attention, of course, over 200 noblemen will see them share vows-”

The sound of your chair pushing away echoed throughout the dining hall, making the whole group look to you. You cleared your throat delicately, a hand resting on your chest.

“Excuse me for my rudeness, but Im feeling- unwell,” you sighed a quick smile.

“Are you alright, do I need to-” the king asked, his eyes full of concern as you shook of his worries.

“Oh no, Im completely fine- just a headache,” you gave a pained smile, “I hope you all enjoy the rest of the meal.”

Shoto watched you walk away, desperate to make sure he knew which way you went in this large castle. He instantly pushed away from the table as well, rising quietly. 

“I- uh-am full, thank you for the meal,” he bowed to the King slightly, placing his napkin on his plate as he rushed out, confusing the group that was left.

Izuku and Ochaco looked at each other, their cheeks red with embarrassment and shock as they looked at Bakugo, who was clearly not bothered by the disturbance. Ochaco then looked at the king, who was clearly confused by the whole ordeal, as an awkward air lay heavy on the table.

Ochaco hastily took a large bite from her plate, filling her mouth with food- “MMMMMM!” she exaggerated, trying to start up conversation again, “I LOVE the ham!” 

------------

Shoto ran around the castle, looking through every corridor and door, searching for you.His head was racing, trying to organize his thoughts in his minds. He needed to figure out how to speak to you- should he act normal, like nothing was wrong? Should he be formal and see how that went? Angry? Upset? He didnt know how to approach you, but he knew he had to do it.

 He finally saw your gown turn an empty hallway, his feet picking up pace. He quickly was able to catch up once he could pin point your location, his hand wrapping around your wrist in order to stop you. 

 You felt slender,cool fingers wrap around your skin, making your body run cold. You instantly jumped by the sudden touch, all breath leaving your body as you turned around quickly.

Your wide eyes met the mix matched orbs of Shoto, a small pang of annoyance filling your body from getting so scared.

“Shoto,” you replied breathlessly, slightly happy though it was only him and not somebody else that had grabbed you.

“I-uh-y/n,” he replied back, his mind going blank.

He let go of your wrists, his hands resting at the side of his body. “I-Im sorry to scare you like that,” he apologized, “I just- wanted to speak to you. If you’ll let me.”

You looked at the boy, his eyes now averting yours, probably from nerves. You decided to listen, turning your body to him. 

“Apology accepted,” you said plainly, “What did you want to speak about?”

Shoto drew a blank- what did he want to talk about? He loved hearing your voice, finally only reserved for him, but yet you seemed preoccupied. Distant. Like you were on another world and not truly there with him.

He stared at you lightly, looking extremely conflicted. “I-I wanted to talk to you about what happened while I was gone.”

“You explained quite plainly what happened on your journey,” you replied, clearly not in the mood to talk, “I applaud you for your bravery, it must have been quite a difficult journey-” you gave him a small bow, your eyes gone of any warmth. “I really must go to bed, Im sorry, but i do feel-”

You began to walk away again, Shoto desperate to keep you near him. He walked in font you, blocking your path.

“You didnt here me correctly-” he changed his wording this time, trying to be as specific as possible. “I want to know what happened to you while I was gone.”

You eyebrows turned down in confusion. “What are you trying to say Shoto?”

He swallowed, trying to clear his dry throat as he licked his lips, conflicted. 

“You seem-different.”

“Its been a year and a half since I last saw you, Shoto,” you reasoned, “of course Ill be different.”

“Yes, but-” he paused, “youre too different. Youre not the same y/n I knew.”

“Why? Because Im not following you around like a love sick puppy?” Annoyance began to bubble inside, feeling attacked by Shoto’s words. “Because I finally got over the fact you didnt love me ? You dont have to pretend Shoto, I know full well you only see me as a nuisance.”

Shock flooded Shoto’s system as your icy words pierced his skin. What happened to you? Yes, he was rude to you before he left, but he didnt feel like that anymore. That was a simple phase, were you going to define him by that?

“I dont see you as a nuisance, y/n.”

“Really?” you scoffed at his words. “then tell me why your father had to go out to find you twice before you finally decided to come back?”

“I made a promise to my friends. I had to finish my quest before-”

“You had a promise to me, Shoto!” you yelled exasperatedly, your heart bursting with hurt. “To your family! To my family! Our people! What was so much more important than that?”

“I was so worried about you Shoto, terrified for you. Those first few months I couldnt think of anything but you.” You were beginning to reveal a lot, too much, but the emotions, the hurt, the anger, was flooding out of you like a broken dam and you couldn't stop it. 

“But then I realized that you didnt care for me. You thought I didn't notice how you gave me the cold shoulder those last few months? How you ignored me,  only gave me quick answers, acted as if I was just a pest following you around? I remembered all of it, and then I realized- you left because of me.”

“You left because of me, didn't you, Shoto?” your voice was harsh and crude like metal, stabbing into Shoto’s conscience.

He stayed silent- how could he say anything back? Your words were making him feel small and foolish- he should have known that you would have noticed his change in demeanor, just as he noticed yours.

You smiled painfully at his silence, feeling a fresh cut of pain slash inside you. “I knew it.”

“Y/n, I-” There was so much he wanted to say, things he wanted to take back. He didnt want this meeting to go like this- with you even more distant to him. Out of all the possible outcomes, this had to be the worst one. 

“Dont even try to backtrack Shoto, I know the truth now,you just confirmed it.”

He knew he was less than kind to you before he left, but know it wasnt like that anymore. Why were you so angry?

“Fine-yes-I left, and it wasnt right,” he admitted, his voice deep, “but Im back. Why are you putting my old self against me now?”

“Because I couldn't for the year and half you were gone! I-I loved you Shoto, and you-”

“You dont love me anymore?” Shoto looked down at you sadly, his eyes full of sorrow. It felt like his heart was breaking in two, the way those words spilled out your mouth so easily making it sting even more.

You swallowed, filling a pit grow in your chest. Everything felt so cold, so empty. This was your best friend- why couldn't you just be nice to him? You thought you had gotten over all this.

“You dont love me-so  why should I love you?” your voice was barely a whisper, cold and empty in the frigid hallway.

Shoto stared down at you, his voice caught in his throat. Did you really believe that? That he didnt love you?You had been friends since children- you really thought all those times, all those days you played together, were all fake? Who even were you?

“I just want you to know,” you spoke, your voice monotone and  icy,” Im not doing this for my father, or your father, or even you. Im doing this for my people and thats it.”

“It” meaning the wedding.

Tears began to prickle your lashline, confusion flooding your numb body as you began to walk away from Shoto- 

you hadnt cried in what seemed like forever. 

Why were you now? 

“Y/n, please, can we just talk-” he tried to reason, harsh with desperation. 

“No.” your voice was plain in its tone that you were done with the conversation.

 “Im just curious Shoto- why did you come back? Because if I had the luxury to have all that freedom, to be free for once- I wouldnt.”

Shoto’s heart felt broken  as he watched you walk away, your dress ruffling as you continued on your path. He felt defeated, confused, even angry- what had happened to you since he had been gone? Did you really hate him that much? What did you mean you had no freedom? More questions flooded his mind than what were answered, but he now knew one thing- you didnt want anything to do with him.

As Shoto’s was returning to his corrdiors sadly, you were lost in thought, just feeling- empty. You didnt feel sad, or angry, or even spitefu anymorel. Just- numb to the world. You could walk for miles and miles it seemed and you wouldnt feel a thing. 

Why was that? Why were so mean to your long lost firend? You should be hugging him from happiness and relief-not meeting him with coldness and hate. 

As you were lost in thought, you didn't even notice yourself running into a person. Your hand instantly reached out, meeting soft yet rough skin. You looked up in confusion ,and your breath hitch- it was the barbairan, his vermilion eyes like rubies as he stared down at you in scorn.

“Oi, watch were your going you damn princess,” he scolded,pushing you off him gently. You stumbled slightly, trying to get your footing right- you had run in to him, you had even touched him. If you were feeling alright, and if the circumstances were different, you could practically squeal. “Youre gonna hurt someone.”

“Did I hurt you?”  

He scoffed at your comment. “Like you could ever hurt me,” his voice was deep and velvety, his comment sending shocwaves into your system. The reply was prideful, yet it could have been- sweet. Kind, in a way in a different light- maybe he meant it like that?

“How do you know that?” you blurted out, a small smirk crawling across your lips.

You just wanted him to talk more, to hear that velvety voice directed towards you- but you were close to flirting with him. What were you doing? What was going on with you? 

One second you were chewing out your life time friend weeks before your wedding, and now you were being smitten with a random man you didn't even know.

He chuckled slightly, his canines glinting. “Your a fucking handful, arentcha?”

He eyed your wobbling feet, as you still were finding your footing slightly.

“You clearly cant walk right-you feeling fine, because Im not gonna be the one who carries you-”

“No, no , Im fine.” you reassured, your cheeks rosy. ‘Thank you for catching me.”

“Youre the one who ran into me.”

“You could have just pushed me off though, you seem like the type to do that,” you gave him a cheeky grin, it disappearing when you heard a slight growl come form him.

“The hell you mean princess?” he was trying to be menacing, but you could tell there was something behind it- he was curious. You loved how he called you “princess”, making it sound like a pet name than  a title.

“Your a lone wolf, are you not? You are strong, independent, free-” you began to list off, your eyes focusing on his, “you follow your own code and beliefs”

“Damn right I do,” he agreed, your heart soaring that he looked so proud of you for describing him so perfectly. “-which is why Im confused as hell that half-and-half prince is allowing himself to get married.”

Ouch.

The small amount of hope that Bakugo seemed to like  you had quickly got destroyed, feeling hurt flood your body. You quickly tried to shake it off, so Bakugo couldn't see it on your face.

“What he even want to talk to you about anyway?” The boy shifted in his stance, his muscles moving with his movements.

You gulped, guilt filling your body- Shoto, the one who had just fought with. You couldnt tell this boy what had happened- that was private, and really, it was embarrassing.

“Just-uh-about-” you stammered, your cheeks red as you searched for a lie.

“Ugh, let me guess, you two were trading spit werent you?” he interrupted in disgust, taking your red cheeks as a sign you two were doing something unholy in the hallway. 

You swallowed, licking your lips as you gave him a tight lipped smile. You were just going to follow along with Bakugo’s line of reasoning- you didnt have any other better ideas. 

 “Y-yep, just- please dont tell anyone?” 

He gave a bitter laugh, his voice booming against your ears. “You guys cant get dirty? I guess that makes sense, since you all our royalty, cant be having any scandals-”

“Do you promise?” you rushed him, now feeling uncomfortable- if anybody heard you and Shoto were kissing in the hallway, and you two were really arguing-

“Yeah, dont worry princess, youre secrets safe with me.” 

You sighed a breath of relief, feeling your heart jump at the smirk the boy sent your way.

“Thank you- I- uh- best be going now,” you stammered, rushing past the warrior, “have a nice night Bakugo.”

You rushed to your room, your heart feeling on fire. Your hands were shaking, your mid racing- all you could think about was that boy. Your world had seemed so dark, until he showed up. His rude responses, his chaotic personality, his snarkiness, that overly prideful speech, his freedom- it was so intoxicating to you. You felt your heart pumping against your chest- you hadn't felt this alive in so long.

You suddenly felt very sick, your head feeling drowsy- maybe you were actually catching something, and thats why you were acting so strange? You were gasping for breath it seemed, your corset making it hard to breath. I felt like something was tightening around your chest, small prods poking into you from the inside- it was a strange sensation, one you did not welcome in the slightest. You stumbled to your bed, holding on to the post as your lungs felt tight with no air, liking something was blocking your passageway. Coughs began to erupt out of you, wracking your body until you finally felt you could breathe. You sucked in a deep breath, welcoming the sweet night air, your chest still feeling tight. You looked down at the ground, trying to slow your stammering heart, until your eyes feel upon something new- a single white petal, resting softly on the ground.

------------

After that night, You became obsessed with this boy, learning bits and pieces from him though conversation you had overheard from Shoto’s friends and workers inside the castle. You learned he was from an extremely far off land, past even the Mountains, which surprised you. He lived alone, and apparently had a dragon as well. He had  gotten in many fights due to his overly prideful personality, which was why he had so many scars decorating his taut body. Your handmaidens seemed to look at him with annoyance, saying he refused to wear anything “civilized” and would plainly cuss them out if they even set foot in his room to clean.

You knew he had a softer side though- he had kept your “secret” safe, right? You heard nothing around the castle about any make-out session or argument between you and Shoto. That little act made you feel special in someway- maybe he had a soft side for you?

Whenever you would feel yourself getting sucked into the sadness of planning your wedding, you’d think of fantasies with that barbarian boy. Him taking you in the middle of night, taking you far away from this place. His hands placed around your waist, that snarky smile looking down at you again.

 Seeing him walk around the castle grew a desperation and love in your body, watching his handsome face stare around the rooms, his voice loud and prideful- you wished he could look your way, acknowledge you again. His vermillion eyes sent fire into your soul whenever you closed his eyes, his face being a beacon of warmth in your life.

Yet that beacon of life was killing you from the inside- every day and every night you fantasized about Bakugo, the sickness taking over you grew worse and worse. The closer you got to your wedding day, the worse it felt, the vines inside you prickling at your soft organs. They were growing, you felt it, as you coughed up more and more petals. 

For a few days you had no idea what was going on, fear striking you as you wondered if you should ask to see a doctor. But you decided to do your own research, scourging through books until you found your sickness: Hanahaki. The the mythical disease for unrequited love. It was quite rare, but it came to the most lonely, delusional, and desperate of lovers.

 It made sense, really- it all started when you talked to Bakugo, after falling in his arms. It hurt he didnt love you back- but why should he? One run-in shouldn't make people fall in love with each other, but somehow it made you. You welcomed the pain alittle, as it was a reminder you still had some feeling other than emptiness inside you. It also terrfiied you- you were supposed to be in love with Shoto, not some barbarian from a far off land you barely spoke to.

  How had this happened, how could you let this happen?

Even if you did tell others you had Hanahaki, they would point the finger at Shoto, calling him cold and callous for not loving you. You were the one who was the cold one, pushing your old friend away. Even if you felt some residue of anger for him, you wouldn't put him through that- he didn't deserve it. You let this disease do its course- if it went away youd be freed, knowing that Bakugo loved you back, and if not- well, you’d figure that out when you got there.

You had barely talked to Shoto or even noticed him since that night, not realizing the amount of worry he felt towards you. Everyday that went by he noticed how sick you looked, your skin paling and you eyes losing any life. Every cough you tried to hold back he noticed and it rang in his ear like a terrible siren- there was something wrong with you.It ate at his insides, his fear of you pushing him away again making him scared to ask what was wrong.

------------

It was now the night before you wedding and you were feeling less than hopeful. You were supposed to be lively and happy, as your father had thrown a party to celebrate the events of the next day, yet you had no energy left in you to dance or socialize. You stayed in a dark corner, trying your best to blend in and not be noticed.

 The coughs were not leaving, and it felt like your chest was being constricted until you could barely breathe. The annoying tickle of a cough was constantly at the back of your throat, as you tried to keep the petals at bay. You were miserable.

“Princess, are you doing alright, you seem a little- pale? Do you need some water, or maybe fresh air,” the young witch Ochaco approached you, her rosy cheeks and bright eyes looking at you.

“Hello, Ochaco,” you greeted, your smile strained, “you know-fresh air would be nice.”

The sweet girl smiled at you, gingerly taking you by the crook of your elbow and out of the ballroom. The fresh air was rather nice, soothing your hurting brain and your sore lungs. You two walked in silence for a while, enjoying each other’s company. Your mind was shifting around, thinking about Shoto and what would happen tomorrow. It hurt too much, though- you still were both not at speaking terms, and now you had to be promised to each other for eternity. The thought made your throat itch even more, and instead, you  switched to own of your many fantasies of Bakugo that brought you some comfort.

“So, how are you feeling? Nervous, excited, scared?” Ochaco asked gingerly

“About what?” you asked, looking at her with curiosity

“Uh,um-your wedding,” she giggled nervously, her cheeks growing red again. 

Oh-you cursed yourself for getting to invested in your fantasy, feeling embarrassed for thinking of Bakugo and not about Shoto.

You really didnt know how to answer her question-You felt yourself dreading it-how could you tell her that? But you didnt want to lie to her- lying to her would be practically evil, like giving a child a promise and not fulfilling it.

“Its expected of me to marry him,” you reasoned out carefully, “Ive been thinking of this day since I was a child.”

She gaped out you in awe. “Really?That early? In your kingdoms is it a tradition to marry from each other’s kingdoms?”

You gave her a wihsful smile. “Actually- no, it isnt. We’re the first ones.”

Her brown bob fluttered against her cheeks, her eyes staring up at you in confusion.

“I-if you dont mind me asking,” she asked nervously, “why is that?”

You sighed, giving her a small smile.

“Its kind of a long story….”

------------

“Long ago our two kingdoms began to quarrel against one another. But that happened years back- we still continued to fight against each other, and quite frankly, we forgot about why. We just knew we hated each other and wanted to see the other fail. My father had always said to me that my mother wished for her children to be born in a peaceful kingdom, yet my father’s pride prevented that from coming true for her.

“Until the day I was born- my mother, sadly, died while giving birth to me. My father now had no queen, and really, no future ruler, since I am a girl and only men can become ruler in my kingdom. In his grief, he began to feel sympathetic, I suppose- he knew King Todoroki had a young boy who was barely turning 4, and my father got an idea. He travelled to his kingdom, and somehow was able to talk King Todoroki into an agreement.” 

“In order to end the suffering of our two kingdoms, Shoto and I would marry once I turn 18, in which would bind our kingdoms forever in peace, with Shoto as ruling over both.”

Ochaco breathed out a large sigh, giving you a conflicted expression.

“So-thats why you two are getting married? Its arranged?”

You looked at her in confusion-“Didnt-Shoto tell you that? I thought Bakugo at least knew-” 

“Bakugo?” Ochaco blinked a few times, clearly puzzled. “Bakugo just thought it was quite, well, wierd Shoto was getting married- Bakugo is just a lone wolf who cant understand love I guess-”

You strangely felt angry at her words- how could she even say that about him? Yes, he was cold and callous at times, but how could she know he couldn't at least love? You knew he had to at least have some way of having feelings for another person, you had to at least hope for that-

“-it must be why he left last night,”

You stopped in your tracks, feeling a ton of bricks pound into your chest. 

“He-he left?

“Um yeah! Something about being ‘bored waiting around for a stupid’- oh my gosh, y/n are you alright!?” 

You were coughing up quite alot, your lungs dry and painful as your heart tore in two. He-he left. Without you. Without even a goodbye. 

After all that daydreaming, all that hope, that dedication to him, hoping he would notice you- he left. He never loved you, and you knew it- you were just so desperate for someone to take you, to teach you how to be free. 

You wanted him to teach you, to see potential in you that you could be just as defiant to the world as him. 

Uraraka wrapped her slender arms around your body, patting your back softly to help you rid your body of whatever had attacked you. It was taking everything in you to not let a single petal fall out, the itching in the back your neck unbearable as your heart beat agonizingly against horribly. 

You felt a few silky petals slip out of your mouth, soft against your dry tongue. Miraculously, Uraraka didn't suspect a thing- most likely from the darkness she couldn't see the disease overtaking you.

You gulped desperately for air, finally getting a hold on your lungs. 

“I-Im fine,” you panted out, raising from the floor on shaky knees. “Thank you”

Urarka gave you a pointed look, clearly not convinced. “Of course, but are you sure? Do you need water, or maybe I should get Shoto-”

“No!” you yelled out, covering your mouth in case of another attack.

You felt a little guilty for yelling at Uraraka so harshly, her wide eyes looking at you in shock-you just couldnt bear seeing Shoto when you were grieving over a lover that was never yours- and apparently dying from it too. 

“No, Im fine, really,” you said more calmly, trying to be reassuring, “lets, just- walk back, if thats okay-”

“Yes of course! Ill walk you to your room, just in case you get sick again-”

You two walked in silence again, you mulling over your broken heart as Uraraka watched you in worry. You two passed the ballroom, everyone seemingly enjoying themselves and not noticing you two as you lead the way to your room. 

You stepped up to the door, your hand grasping the doorknob until you paused, a question entering your mind. You were still confused why Uraraka said she didnt know your marriage was arranged-you would have expected Shoto to have told his group after saying he was getting married. 

Was he embarrassed by it, that he was marrying you?

“You said you were surprised to here our marriage was arranged,” you asked quietly, “Shoto never told you?”

Uraraka shuffled in her pink boots, her shoulder hunched close to her chin.

“He-uh-no,” she breathed out, “he said he made a promise to marry a girl he loved.”

-------------------

Morning. 

Daylight.

Wedding.

You should be feeling happy, excited, optmistic-you had been imagining this day since you were a child. But now, all you could feel was a coldness you couldnt seem to shake off- after your talk with Uraraka last night, you felt so confused.

The person you “loved” had never loved you, leaving you sick and hurt.

The person who did love you, you most likely pushed away to the point where they didnt love you anymore.

You couldnt even understand your emotions yourself. All night your sickness wouldnt leave your poor lungs alone, making you cough uncontrollably all night, the petals piling up around you.

You wouldn't allow anyone to see you in the morning, snatching your wedding dress from your hand maidens and putting in yourself. You fixed yourself up, trying to make yourself look as lively as possible, but it seemed impossible- you felt too empty inside to really put your heart into it.

Another round of coughs attacked your chest, a single petal dribbling out of your mouth, along with a speckle of blood. It dripped on the inner folds of your creamy white dress- easily disguisable if you made sure it was covered- yet it made you begin to cry.

What was going on? Why did you have to do this? Why were you still sick?  

Your knees hit the cold floor, wave after wave of tears and coughs struck your body in a terrible symphony, the petals piling up on your dress. 

You couldnt take it anymore- this sickness was going to have to take you, because you had no energy left to fight it anymore.

You felt a knocking on your door, the sounds harsh against your temple. You sniffled, one last cough feebily spilling out of your bloodied lips.

“Go away-I promise Ill be out soon-” you began sadly, until you heard the door swing open.

You looked up, your face in shock as you did not lock eyes with your handmaiden, but with Shoto’s.

He looked around the floor, noticing the bloody petals, his face completely torn-he knew what was going on.

Shoto stared down at you, his eyes boaring into yours-he knew something was wrong with you. He had came by your room in hopes of fixing your relationship before speaking your vows, working up the courage until he heard you crying. No matter what was between you two, he wouldnt let you go through pain by yourself.

Now he watching you cough up your life, those sickly petals flowing out of you, each one taking a toll on your body.

He gasped out your name, the words like honey as he sat next to you on the floor. You looked so beautiful in that white gown, like an angel from heaven. 

But the paleness of your skin, the bags like bruises under your eyes, the blood on your lips- it all reminded him that you were human, and you were hurting inside. He reached for your hand, his fingers grazing your skin-so cold- but you pulled it away quickly.

“Please, dont Shoto-” you whispered hoarsely, “Im-”

Another wave of coughs wracked at your chest, this time the rasps painful against your chest as the vines squeezed. 

Shoto didnt know what to do- how could he help you? There wasn't anything he could do to help, except watch his best friend and love slowly cough her life away. A few petals cascaded out of your mouth, adding to the piles as you heaved air back into your lungs, your knuckles white.

“How, how could you keep this from me?” he asked sadly, ignoring your pleas and pulling you into his lap.

You felt how warm he was, and realized- he did love you. He had been there for you as a child, and he was here for you now, comforting you in your worst moment.

Your heart felt like it was exploding as tears cascading down your face, salty and warm against your skin.

“How-how could I Shoto?” I shuldnt have been so mean to you,” you sobbed, “Im so sorry, so sorry, this is all my fault-”

“Please, no, dont be sorry,” he said softly, his arms cradling your body, “we both have our own faults. I shouldnt have left you for so long, and Im sorry for that, I-” he gulped, his heart beating harshly against his chest.

“I-I do love you,y/n, I do.”

You picked up your head, forcing yourself to look at him- he was so handsome, his mix matched eyes softly looking down at you- he was still the little boy you knew from a child, though, always so calm and sweet.

“I know, Shoto, I just, I-” you gulped, fighting to keep the coughs and sobs at bay.

He sighed, feeling his heart sink. 

���You loved Bakugo, didnt you? Thats why,” he motioned to the petals, “this is happening to you.”

You gave him a shocked look, your eyes wide and glassy. You forgot how observant Shoto could be- you felt your cheeks grow red, realizing now he must have known by the way you stared so much at Bakugo.

“Was-it that noticebale?”

“Y/n,” he sighed, his chest feeling heavy, “very.”

You giggled at his remark, feeling strange for laughing for once. But Shoto was so abrupt with his words, it always made you laugh at his remarks.

 Shoto’s heart soared at your laugh, the sound like chimes against his ears. It died down, the room quickly feeling closed in again.

“I just dont want to do this. I-I want to be friends again. To figure out who were are, without us being forced to be with each other.” you sighed, your heart rattling against your chest. “ I-I want to be with you and marry you- when we decide. Not my father, or your father- I want to be free to choose.”  

You turned to Shoto, your hands touching his cheek.

“I-I did love you-and I still do-Im just so confused, and trapped, and-”

“You just want to be your own person,” he finished your sentence, his voice so much stronger than yours.

He looked down at you, his face surprisingly smiling.

“I think I may have arranged that,”

You jumped up, your face in shock. “H-how? Tell me!” you squealed, not unilke a child, your eyes wide with anticipation.

Shoto grinned at your face, loving how excited you could get so quickly.

“Do you remember my oldest brother?” he asked

“Of course I remember Natsuo! He was always so kind to me as a child,” you reminenscenced, “but how is he going to help us?”

“Well, as it turns out, I spoke to our fathers and my older brother,” he said, a small grin on his face, “they agreed that my brother could rule both kingdoms in my place. By himself, and my sister will accompany him if he ever needs help.”

You sucked in a lung full of air, unable to believe what you had just heard-

 “So that means-”

“We are free to  do what we want now.” 

You yelled in happiness, happy tears cascading on your face as you wrapped his body around yours, “thank yous” spilling out of your lips.

Shoto hugged you back, smiling sadly- he had to admit, it was hard negotiating that new deal. After the night, that remark of how you didnt feel “free” stayed in his brain, haunting him until he found a solution. Knowing it would make you happy made it worth it- even if that meant you could leave him now. He loved you, but if that meant you could be happy with or without him, he would be content with the knowledge that you were finally able to be your own person.

“You can now be yourself,” he said sadly, his eyes staring down at the floor, “and even if that means you do not love me, I accept it. You dont have to feel guilty.”

You looked at the poor boy, his eyes shaded as his bi-colored locks cascaded onto his foreheads. You felt a warmth fill your chest, the sensation soothing and calming as the tightness in your lungs dissappeared. The tickling in your throat seemed to wane slightly. Your hand found his as his eyes instantly rose to meet yours.

“I wont feel guilty,” you smiled gently, “I want to be free- with you.”

Taggings: (if you want to be added, just shoot me an ask or a reply on this post and Ill add you on to my future fics!)

@freckledoriya​ @orokayagi​ @leeeah-loooser​

[skeetlehand]

Phil looking up ways to resurrect people.... I'm crying rn. (Even though by doing so he isavoiding his sons)

Yeahhhhhh..... he wants to. bring them back very much. He feels very bad about killing wilbur, but he also feels like he was complicate in killing tommy by not being there. Plus, they’re his boys!!! they can’t stay dead.... right?

Consider this: phil’s already tentative about ghostbur, since he literally killed him, and ghostbur likes to cheerfully remind him of that constantly. But with tommy, it’s worse. Tommy, as the youngest, didn’t receive as much attention. actually, to be honest, phil thought he didn’t need as much, since tommy was very loud and social anyway - so if there was a problem, everyone and their dog would know about it. 

so the death was a blow in itself, because he had just lost two of his children in the span of a day. It hurt because tommy was so young. the youngest of the boys, and he wasn’t supposed to die this soon. It hurt because Tommy looked terrible the first time he saw his ghost. It hurt because unlike wilbur, he didn’t know how tommy died - and no parent wants that mystery to hang over them.

But it hurt the most though, that he didn’t even know that tommy had died that day - he had to figure it out for himself, slowly, piece by piece. The pieces he picked up started to click together, and while he desperate didn’t want them too, he had to face the facts at some point. 

Now ghost tommy is there throwing out all this information about himself that Phil didn’t know, leading him to realize he didn’t know his youngest that much. When did tommy ever come to him about his fears, about his guilts, his sadness? It was always “fast and furious” with that one - you’d know if he were angry or happy, easily.

Ghost tommy starts to contradict himself, when they talk about what Phil knows about him (since he can’t remember enough about his positive interactions with phil. phil has a habit of leaving him unattended to, like the Tree Memory, and literally the entirety of his time with Pogtopia!Wilbur). Phil is afraid to doubt him too, since he’s not sure if it’s just him misremembering things... but it gets worse when he realizes that tommy was just adlibbing the memories with what he could remember. The idea that tommy can’t remember being happy, is not a good one to entertain.

Phil’s habits rubbed off on his boys, and that shows too - him avoiding talking about Big Things with ghost tommy is remnicient of how ghostbur dances around questions, and being pressured into doing things is remnicent of techno.

The problem with the resurrection though is... a) it’s unclear if that would even work, and b) ghost tommy doesn’t particularly want to come back to life. He hates being dead, sure, and he’s miserable, but he’s afraid of coming back to life, since well...

do you think that’d stop them from trying, though?

(context: phil holding the necromancy book --> https://skeetlehands.tumblr.com/post/637800420180475904/so-i-said-im-going-to-finish-this-au-a-week)

[jeagerism]

wish you were here

✒ word count : 4.2k

✒ characters : park jimin x reader

✒ warnings : sadness, like hella sadness im sorry, break up!au, reader just misses him lots, small amounts of fluff, cursing, seeing the person you love with someone new, first dates, moving on, crying

✒ summary : You're sitting in your bathtub eating marshmallows at 3 in the morning three weeks after the break up, and you're doing fine, you really are. But then, all of a sudden, you're crying and realising how much you miss him.

✒ author's note : as i wrote more and more i was like...hmmm. jimin. here is the completed fic im scared to post this didusissj but if i don't i might die so. hope u guys like dis one xoxo it's my first jimin imagine pls do not hurt me im trying :o

It's 6 p.m. on a Saturday when it happens.

The curtains are open slightly in the living room, rays of golden sunlight reaching just past where your feet rest on the couch. You're typing up an essay when Jimin slips through the door, toeing his shoes off. Five-fifty, just like clockwork. The coat he wears everyday goes on the same hook - third from the left. He shuffles over to the couch and presses his lips to the crown of your head, just like always.

It's easy to fall into routine.

Another episode of Sex Education plays in the background, long forgotten after an hour of staring at the same screen. You're pretty sure your brain is fried. But you'd made a promise to yourself that you'd finish this essay today, so you make due. 

"Hey." The way your lips stretch into a smile is hard to control, even more so when he copies your actions. He falls onto the couch beside you, leaning into the cushions with a hum. He smells like the strawberries and honey body wash in the bathroom.

You let your eyes study him for a few seconds, then go back to typing, and it's quiet, just like always. It feels normal. Nothing's different. 

Until it is.

"I think we should break up."

Of the five years you've known Jimin, you've been through a lot. And while most of it had been dealing with things much bigger than yourselves, bigger than romance and first kisses, you'd had your fair share of relationship issues.

But things were good. He would come home every day, smiling, press that same kiss to your forehead. Sit right beside you, leaning into your side, his warmth seeping into you. Sometimes he'd play with your fingers, a thing that kept him occupied and calm. You knew Jimin, you knew all his habits, what made him tick, how he acted when he was sad, or happy, or angry.

"Y/N?"

"I can't", you breathe out, so softly it's barely audible. And you wonder if he can even hear you. If he can hear the way you're trying to gather up everything you're feeling right now and trying to shove it down, down, down. "I don't understand? I need, can you-" 

And as much as you know Jimin, he knows you all the same. He knows you're panicking, and normally, he'd grab your hands and help you breathe. In for three, out for three. In for three out for three. He doesn't do that this time. He doesn't even look at you.

"I'm just not...happy. I'm not happy and I don't think I make you happy anymore, either."

But you do. He does, Jimin makes you so happy that sometimes you forget how to breathe. He makes you so happy that you love everything about him, even the things that drive you insane sometimes. So happy that you pick up the clothes he leaves on the floor after his shower, or place his shoes back neatly, or cook his favorite food for him whenever he asks.

These are the things you want to tell him. You want to tell him it all and more, but the only thing that comes out is :

"Okay."

Because what else can you say? He's just said that he's not happy with you anymore, and he's so close but farther away than ever, and he's not even looking at you.

In for three, out for three. But you still can't breathe. And this time, as his words fall on near deaf ears - something about "my stuff" and "sometime later" and "you stay, I'll go" - and he slips his shoes and coat back on, and it's quiet, it's not because you're happy.

You can't breathe because it hurts. You're not sure of how long you stay on the couch, computer running hot on your lap, a "Are you still watching" message on the tv. But when you finally look up, it's dark. 

And you take a breath. Dragging yourself to Jimin and your bedroom - your bedroom - takes more of an effort than you'll admit, but you get there. The pillow is cool against your burning cheek. You allow your eyes to close tight, because his side of the bed is never this cold.

All you can do is breathe. In for three, out for three. Something you'd learned from him, with him. 

It's all you can do to keep yourself from breaking.

He takes you on your first date in September.

It's bowling, which is a stereotypical first date, but it's him, so you don't really mind. 

Park Jimin is nervous. It's evident in the way he wipes his hands on his pants before he holds your hand. The way he gets quiet after laughing at one of your jokes, as if he's afraid of being too loud or happy.

"No fair!", you call, speaking through a pout. "You've got like, superhuman abilities or something. You're obviously gonna win." Crossing your arms, you shake your head. "I think we should label this as cheating."

Jimin chuckles, rubbing the back of his neck. "I'm not trying, though." 

You make a noise of protest. "That's even worse!" Leaning closer to him, a furrow in your eyebrows, you huff. "Are you saying I'm just plain ole bad at bowling, Park?"

"You said it, not me." It's the first joke he's made all night. You laugh, eyes closing just from the force. "I could, uh, I could help you? If you want. Since I'm so good and everything." The last part is said teasingly, and you can hear the smirk in his voice.

You stand, ruffling his hair with a smile. "Teach me then." By the time you've grabbed the ball you've been using the entire time, he's right behind you. Sticking your fingers in the holes, you twist it around lightly. 

"I see why you're so bad now." You turn, opening your mouth to defend yourself. "You're not even holding the ball right, you know."

"Well, I'm sorry I was never taught bowling ball holding basics. I didn't even know you could hold one of these-"

He interrupts you with a hand on your waist, delicate and soft. His fingers rest just above the top of your jeans, brushing against soft skin. "Like this", he murmurs. Jimin's other hand adjusts your own. "And then this." He keeps his hand atop yours, and brings your arm back, helping you swing it forward. You're so focused on how close he is that you don't notice you still need to let go of the ball.

Lips brushing against the side of your cheek, Jimin hums. You shiver. "You know, this doesn't actually work unless you let go of the ball when you swing, pretty girl." 

You feel like you're going to combust. Park Jimin just called you pretty. Park Jimin, the boy you've had a crush on for months. Called you pretty. Blinking, you swing your arm back with him again, and let it go when it comes forward. Not caring if the ball hits the pins or not, you rotate, until you're face to face with him. All soft, silky hair and lips that look as soft as pillows. 

"What?" He raises an eyebrow, another pretty flush spreading over his cheeks. 

"Can I kiss you?"

The noise that comes from him mirrors the shock on his face that quickly morphs into timidness. "Like you even have to ask, Y/N." 

His lips feel even softer than they look. You've had a first kiss before, but this is the only one that's felt right. Something in you tells you that means something. When you pull away, you're smiling, breathless.

"Hey", Jimin whispers, nodding his head behind you. "You knocked down all the pins."

As he walks you home, he holds your hand.

"I'm glad we got to do this", Jimin says, and his eyes don't meet your own until you squeeze his hand tight. You think about how he'd wrapped you up in the extra sweater he'd been wearing when he'd noticed you were cold. How he'd pulled you closer when walking down the sidewalk because people were bumping into you, and had held you that way the entire way back.

"Me too." You grin, watching the pink on his cheeks spread to his ears and down his neck. His smile mirrors yours regardless. 

Jimin sighs. "I'm, um, sorry if it was lame. I know bowling is kinda...well, kinda bland for a first date-"

"It was perfect." You let your fingers detangle as you back up. "Best first date I've ever had." 

His cheeks swell with a big, boyish grin. "Next time I'll take you to the arcade downtown." A smirk. "Maybe that time you can beat me in something."

You always thought that if Jimin ever left you, you'd cry.

Not that you thought of it often, but it still came up once or twice. Every time it did, he was always right there, with soothing words and soft lips pressed against the tip of your nose. 

So, the fact that you don't cry surprises you.

You don't cry, and a part of you thinks that, if you did, it would never stop. 

Your sadness turns into anger at every reminder of him around your apartment. There's traces of him everywhere, a forced memory no matter where you step. So you keep breathing. You take a breath. 

You take a breath when you see his lunchbox he took to work with him every day. When you visit your friends and they ask how plans for the yearly Halloween party you'd always throw with him are going. When you see a news article about him and the boy's album release. You breathe.

Because you are angry with him. Angry for making you waste your time, making you think that it was you and him. That he still loved you, and that you knew him.

Going back in your head, everything had seemed fine. The two of you hardly fought, you told each other I love you every morning and every night. You still had your weekly movie nights every Friday. You laughed together. 

Nothing had changed, right? You knew him, right?

A week after he's been gone, it hits you that you never knew him that well at all.

You didn't even know him well enough to tell that he was falling out of love with you.

Two weeks after the breakup, and you no longer feel angry. You feel the dragging feeling of sadness creep up on you again. The anger probably would've stayed, but he'd come to get his stuff earlier in the week. 

He forgets a few things, but you don't say anything. Why don't you say anything?

Getting used to life without him is a process. You forget that you don't have to buy those off brand crackers he likes. You never wake up in the morning to his humming in the shower. Things...change.

The bed was never this big, was it? It always seemed small, small enough that the two of you always crowded together, legs tangled together, arms around waists.

Now, it's massive. You pull the blanket up to your chin, and even though you probably shouldn't, you press your cheek into his pillow. 

When you fall asleep, you dream of him.

His skin is bathed in moonlight, pale and soft. The two of you sit in the big clawfoot bathtub, the one you both loved, empty and fully clothed. He's quiet, and anyone else would think that's because it's nearing three in the morning, but you know him. You recognize the subtle shaking of his hands, the sweat beading at his hairline even though it was freezing inside the apartment, the way he taps his fingers together in rhythm.

You know him.

"Hey." It's the first word spoken since you'd sat down. He's facing you, curls going every which way from attempting to sleep earlier. Holding up the bag you'd snagged before you'd followed him in here, you grin. "Want some marshmallows?"

Jimin's lips twitch into a smile, and even though it disappears as quickly as it came, it's something. Massive hand plunging into the bag, he grabs a handful and proceeds to shove a few in his mouth. You settle for popping them in one by one; the small, colorful bits melt on your tongue. 

The bag empties faster than expected, so soon you have nothing to occupy yourselves. As you start to suggest opening the other bag in the pantry, he speaks.

"It's happening again", his shoulders rise up to his ears. His hands rest in between his knees, tangled together, fidgeting.

With a heavy sigh, you lay a hand across his own. "I know." Jimin's eyes meet yours, honey colored and exhausted. The bags under his eyes are more prominent than they have been, and although it's not as bad as the last few times, it's still bad.

"I don't want it to happen again."

And well, you don't quite know what to say to that. Because you don't either. This feeling was always with him, always simmering underneath the surface. It never completely disappeared, but it did get easier to deal with. It was bearable, almost nonexistent at times.

You know it hurts him, and him hurting makes you hurt. He deserves so much good, he is too good, to have so much weight on his shoulders. To be plagued with so much anxiety and pain, and for what? You don't even know the answer.

No one is perfect, as living with him for this many years often reminds you. He's definitely not. He leaves his shoes in the middle of the floor. He forgets to replace the tissue when the roll runs out. He's never had a plant that's lasted more than a week, because he's either not here or just forgets. 

So no, he's not perfect. But you know damn well he's the closest thing to it you have.

"I'll be here." You swallow, fingers slotting in between his. "I am here. No matter what, rain or shine, you know that." Jimin lifts the side of his lips into a smile. "I love you."

Switching in his spot, he turns, leaning back against your chest, rejoining your hands soon after. "I know." He brushes his lips across your knuckles. "I love you, too."

Your other hand combs through his hair, twirling curls around your fingers like thread.

The two of you don't retire to your bed until the sun begins to peak over the horizon.

You wake up with sweat beading at your hairline.

In for three, out for three.

You ignore the phantom taste of marshmallows on your tongue. A shaky hand pushes the blankets off of your body, and you're taking the familiar path to the kitchen before you can really think. There's a bag of mini marshmallows where they always are. You grab them, tearing a whole in the top as you walk towards the bathroom. 

When your back meets the familiar chill of the tub, you can feel the way your throat begins closing up. But you push it away with a hand full of marshmallows, which distracts you from the aching burn settled deep in your chest.

You've never done this alone. Every time you've sat in this exact same position, marshmallows in hand, he's been here. But there's always time for change. At least that's what you tell yourself.

You'd spent all your time in this tub with Jimin. There weren't any more of those times. No more late night baths where you just talked about your days. No more pic nics on the living room floor when you didn't feel like going out. No more hugs or I love you's or simply just seeing him across the room. 

And another. In for three, out for three. Focus on something else. Anything else but him. Your eyes switch from the wall to the bottle of soap on the ledge of the tub. Strawberries and honey. His favorite. Something else. The two towels hanging on the rack, one yellow and one red. You remember picking them out the night you moved in. It's getting harder to see with the tears in your eyes, but it's fine. It's fine.

Because you don't miss him. You can't, because the smell of strawberries and honey are fading from the pillow that's beside yours. The red towel hasn't been used in a month. There's never a box of off-brand crackers with his name on them in the cabinet anymore. And he's not here.

And you can't wish that he is. 

September is different this time.

The streets are full of people, and you're filled with a happy sort of warmth as you wait outside of a coffee shop. Rubbing your hands together, you blow warm air on them to rid yourself of the numbness starting to creep in. It's the type of cold that sets in slowly. You nudge your nose against the scarf you're wearing with a shiver.

People around you pass by with smiles, arms full of bags or holding others hands. It's peaceful.

"You're going to drop them!"

Glancing up, your eyes dart around until they find the source of the noise. There's a part of you that wishes you hadn't. A part of you that wants to shove your nose back into the fabric around your neck. 

Seeing Park Jimin is...weird.

There's a certain type of irony in the way that you see him during your first September without him. It twists and tears at you with bleeding fists.

"Jimin, let me carry some!"

The girl next to him is pretty. She's more than pretty. Jealousy ebbs in your chest for a mere moment at the smile he gives her, the way his eyes sparkle. Remembering how he used to look at you like that pours salt onto the wound. 

His hair is blond now. He looks good. Jimin had always looked good, though. There's no doubt in your mind that he's one of the prettiest people you've ever met. But he looks good. He looks like he's glowing. He looks...happy.

I'm just not...happy anymore.

"I've got it", he laughs, leaning his head back with a smile. Turning, he regains his grip on the bags, switching his gaze over, over, over. "See, like…" His eyes are sparkling. He looks happy. Is this what he meant?

I'm not happy and I don't think I make you happy anymore, either.

"Y/N?"

You quickly avert your eyes, turning and stuffing your hands into your pockets with a huff of breath you can see in the cold air. For a second, you can hear his footsteps getting closer. Of all the ways you thought you'd bump into him, it was safe to say this wasn't on the list. Seeing him wasn't on the list at all. Avoiding the problem until it went away seemed like a good enough plan.

Just as you're ready to turn around and face him, even if you really do not want to, a hand lands on your shoulder. Gentle.

The endless run on thoughts of what you're going to say become muddled as you open your eyes. 

"Sorry it took so long. Since someone wanted peppermint hot chocolate, even though they were obviously going to be running out, I had to wait a little longer." The corner of his lips lift into a grin. "Didn't mind though. Anything for you, I suppose." 

You shake your head with a smile as he hands you the cup. "Thank you." The drink warms your hands, the numbness melting away. 

"Ready to go?"

Jimin's behind you. Jimin is behind you with a girl who may not even be his girlfriend, but a girl who makes him happy. Makes him smile. 

And you think you're a little okay with it. 

You don't really have a choice, but. It's easier to swallow than you'd expected. 

You've learned to live without him. And even though there's a piece of you screaming and throwing a fit like a child that just wants and wants, you don't break. 

"Yeah. I am."

Pivoting, you walk forward. He's still relatively far away, but close enough that you can see him in your peripheral vision. Close enough that you make eye contact once more as he readjusts the bags in his arms. Close enough that you see the sparkle in his eyes.

You take a breath as your shoulders pass, mere inches of space between you. He still feels far away.

In for three, out for three. Breathe in.

It smells like strawberries and honey.

You smack your lips together as you continue on.

You're craving marshmallows.

Two Months Before

Park Jimin is scared.

Which isn't something he'd normally admit so easily. But, given the circumstances, he doesn't think too much of it.

Filling his cheeks with air, he gnaws on his bottom lip in thought. He's been chewing on it for so long he'll probably tear a whole in it, but he can't help it. Thinking back on the conversation he'd had hours before scares him. Leaves him with an unsettling feeling in his stomach. Anxious, deadly butterflies.

"How're things with Y/N?" Taehyung sits back, sipping from a stark white coffee mug. "Not that we don't see you guys every two weeks, but, you know."

Jimin laughs, shaking his head. "They're good. She's good, amazing." He's smiling so wide his cheeks hurt. 

"God, stop looking like a lovesick fool", his friend teases. He tilts his head, scoffing. "Propose already." Jimin must look as lost as he feels, because Taehyung raises an eyebrow. "You okay?"

He blinks, rolling his shoulders. "Yeah, I'm good. I guess I just...never thought about it. Marriage and stuff. I mean, I have, I just…" He shrugs, eyebrows furrowed. "Never really thought about it too in detail." Why does his stomach feel like this?

"Do you want to marry her?"

"Yes." The answer is instant. Something hidden underneath, but something all known. 

Taehyung smiles. "That was pretty fast. Are you sure you've never thought about it?"

Jimin wets his lips, clearing his throat. "Guess it just...doesn't make sense with anyone else. It makes sense with her though. It feels right."

The blue haired male across from him smirks, huffing out a laugh. "Guess you'll need a ring then, huh?"

Marriage had always been a far away concept. Something to be worried about later down the line. It seemed like, without even realising it, down the line had come sooner than he expected. He's known Y/N for five years, and while every moment has been one he wouldn't give up, it's sped by so fast. 

But when he thinks about it, it doesn't make sense if it isn't her. Nothing makes sense if it's not her. If he closes his eyes and pictures his wedding day, no matter what, in every scenario, every way you look at it, she's the one walking down the aisle. Every time. It's her.

Jimin reaches into the dresser drawer beside the bed, feeling around until he finds what he's searching for. His fingers brush against the velvet box he'd shoved in there an hour earlier. When he brings it out, the butterflies in his stomach have friends. 

He wants to marry her. He wants to do it right. He wants to put this ring on her finger and watch her eyes light up. And plan the wedding with her and discuss color schemes and where to seat guests at the reception. Wants to kiss her in front of a room of people as his wife for the first time. He wants to adopt a dog and buy a house with a backyard.

Park Jimin wants to do all of this, and he wants it to feel right, and it only feels right with her.

But if she said no. If she didn't want him the way he wanted her. Park Jimin is terrifyingly in love with her. The type of love that makes him crazy. That makes him wake up early just to pull her back into his arms, because he knows how she likes being held. Because he knows her.

So if she didn't need him like he needed her, he doesn't think he'd be able to handle it. Because she may be able to walk away and find someone new, but he won't.

She's it for him. This is it for him. He doesn't think there's ever gonna be anyone else. 

He's loved her every day since the moment he met her.

The not wanting is what might tear him to pieces. Can nervous butterflies die?

The sound of keys turning in lock nab his attention, and he jumps to his feet, heart in his throat. Something in him aches. "Jimin? I'm home!"

Rubbing his thumb over the velvet box once more, he slips it back into the drawer, way in the back. He closes it, and breathes. In for three, out for three. Jimin looks up, and puts on a smile, even with this ache.

He loves her.

"Coming!"

✒ tags : @lysjeon @goldenlilyz @savageprince7

[og-danny-dorito]

Bucky Barnes SFW Headcanons

a new hyperfixation to avoid my growing anxiety with my personal life? yall already know whats up, and i'm feeling angsty so brace yourself

PUBLISHED :  2 - 17 - 20

S F W : 

- to start off of a positive and happy note (jk you already know thats not how it works) its very likely that upon first meeting, any touch directed towards him is met with an alarmed grunt and/or a slap of your hand away

- anything unsolicited makes him nervous and uncomfortable, so if you really do want to pat his shoulder or hug him or something like that you'd have to ask if it's okay first. now it's pretty easy to see the reasoning behind this but for those doubting it i will explain

- big man has been trained to kill in hand to hand combat and advanced weaponry and countless other things, meaning that he's pretty much wired by this point to have a gut reaction that automatically goes to the fight or flight instinct. it doesn't make logical sense that he wouldn't get uncomfortable and jumpy at loud noises and unsolicited touching since his ptsd has accumulated over the years to MAKE him react like that. he doesn't want to accidentally punch you in the teeth

- like yeah he's all tough and shit and could break the a dude’s neck if he really tried, but the issue is that once his walls are broken down he's sort of akin to that of a regulated killing machine having to redo its wiring to be “normal” again. the transition itself would be traumatic, but the process of initiating it would be even more difficult

- so that means that in the first few months of his recovery, he probably would do a lot of absent-minded staring and just long spells of silence where he just doesn't do anything. it's sort of like a reloading point for his brain, and he starts to pick up the habit of daydreaming a lot. sometimes you'll have to say his name a few times to snap him out of it, but when he does come to he looks a little embarrassed

- it's not that easy to elicit an emotional reaction out of him. you'd have to be fairly close with him to actually get most responses out of him that are more than a word long, and so thus starts my favorite trope; hard depressed kill man falls for person who just Keeps Trying

- it's not that easy to get under his skin, but meeting him somewhere normally and constantly talking to him will probably start to make him feel more encouraged to speak in the sense of making normal conversation

- he's a little awkward so in this case patience goes a long way (as does with pretty much everything with him). it gets to the point where after a month or so he may feel weird if he doesn't talk to you at that specific time of the day. if he's grown that fond of you he'll even go out of his way to ask a few people where you are

- part of him hates getting this attached for a number of reasons. there's that nagging feeling in the back of his mind that his environment is temporary and getting attached to the things and people there will hurt him more than he'd like. while he knows that it's not temporary, that he's not leaving anytime soon and probably won't for a while, it all goes back to the killing machine thing

- when he was under hydra’s control, the only thing that was certain was the base he resided in and it's hard to come out of a state of mind where the only thing you know to be continuous is your continued existence as a tool. the place itself brings back horrible memories, but you get what i mean

- so initially he may resist conversation for that very reason

- he tends to pick up on details more than anything, and most of your smaller traits tend to make him quickly used to you. like for instance, if you're prone to pursuing your lips and narrowing your eyes at something odd you've heard or seen, he might find it cute mentally and then immediately correct himself for it. if you tend to snort a little and roll your eyes when you laugh, he's going to notice that and MAYBE try to pay more attention when something funny is said to hear it again

- i would generally think that he doesn't really have much a type or preference at all. in fact, i'm pretty sure the only thing he seemed consciously aware of that he likes in a partner is ability to understand. cause if you can't forgive him for the things he's done and see why he does what he does now, he can't bring himself to feel like he needs to go through all of his self hatred and doubt more intensely than he already is

- he probably is asexual as well but that's sort of iffy considering he's canon been in sexual relationships so that's a maybe. but he's definitely demiromantic. it's not that easy for him to find people attractive anymore. when he starts to get to know you better he starts feeling some sort of way and picking up on MORE details that you may not even notice yourself

- bucky is also incredibly skilled at remembering things you might've said a month ago and completely forgot about. some find this off putting and that's understandable, but when it comes down to it, its a product of sorta okay memory

- “My cousin almost flipped his car over this week.”

- “Phillipe?”

- “Uh, yeah. How did you...?”

- “You mentioned him two weeks ago... when he almost fell of your roof the week before.”

- “I did?”

- remembers dates, names, eye colors, and a multitude of other things, so sometimes he'll just mention something important you may have forgotten and pretend like he definitely wasn't paying too much attention to you. it's surprising how good his memory is even though he can't remember any of his past. so this most likely means that he has issues with remembering events and how they happened, but not the details of them. like how you can remember your shirt color a few week s back but not what you did while wearing that shirt

- and on that note, he kinda shuts down if he gets a weird flashback in the middle of something. they're mostly triggered by smells and sounds, but sometimes if he sees something while he's walking down the street he'll just stop and stare at it. it's best just to stop and stare at it with him, or alternatively if you don't want stares, act like you're taking a picture. but don't talk to him while it's happening cause it'll interrupt the train of thought and derail him completely

- he tends to talk a lot about things if he's grown very invested in them (he's very good at keeping focus). if you're out walking together or just sitting down he might stare and absentmindedly reach out to touch you before stopping himself at the last minute. gently grabbing his hand and placing it wherever he wanted to touch makes him flustered every time. that and hes super soft but is afraid to be vulnerable around anyone

- just gently grabbing his hand makes him all mushy, and it’s more often than not that he finds himself weak when someone shows pretty much any form of affection or endearment towards him

- probably not into pda though, not that much. he will hold your hand if you want to, but don’t expect to like sit in his lap or like straight upstart kissing in public cause any attention in a public setting makes him nervous

- really likes a kind of homey s/o. someone who likes to cook or bake or whatever makes him feel a little bit like he doesn't have to worry about something for a while. like if he comes home and dinner is just waiting on the table for him or you’ve already drawn a bath for him and/or made the bed or whatever, he literally appreciates that above pretty much anything else

- love language is most likely acts of service. hes not very good with words unless he like thinks it out beforehand, but pretty much buys you gifts all the time because he likes seeing you light up when you see them. he does try to spend as much time as he can with you but either anxiety gets the best of him or hes literally too busy, and so it ends up being more distant with him coming over a few times during the week, even if you live together. and we already know the deal with physical touch so im not gonna restate my strong belief in “big man has trauma no touch big man unless A S K”

- but a lot of the things he does are situational. one day he may be very down to be super affectionate and the other he’ll be painfully distant, but the main issue with all of it is that hes very very bad at communication

- this poses an issue for a number of reasons, but his responses and reactions are more physical than anything. so for instance, if hes uncomfortable with something he’ll start to shift and stare and be very tense the whole time it’s occurring, or if he’s feeling a bit more sad or depressed he’ll isolate himself and consistently stand slouched or look as if he hasn't gotten enough sleep. it’s mostly body language, but after a while he’ll feel safe enough to tell you how he feels about certain things

- this takes a while to actually happen, but when it does he manages to just,,, say things that are on his mind. like you’ll be reading or scrolling through your phone or whatever and he’ll randomly be like “The table has a lot of scratches on it.” it’s just observations he has, but usually it translates to him wanting to change the stated fact. best thing to do is just to roll with it, since hes practically learning how to communicate again and he’s picking up on things socially

- now let's get to the “a little fluffy” and “kinda-already-known” shit, shall we?

-  miscellaneous headcanons;

gets jealous pretty easily in the early stages of your relationship, but only ever indicates this by staring the person in question down and refusing to admit to it later

likes having his hair put up into cool hairstyles and likes colored rubber bands (or hair ties if youre not where i'm from). seriously, he may loose his shit if you just like put cool braids in his hair one day like hes a viking or whatever

kind of tone deaf but his singing is more of like this raspy and slightly more “Misty Mountains” vocals sounding

is touch sensitive, so even doing something as small as like rubbing your thumb on his arm makes his hair raise on end

doesn't like his metal arm at all and quite obviously wears long sleeves all the time to hide it, but occasionally wears short sleeves when he's feeling less insecure

oh, super insecure btw and THATS why he feels all mushy when someone is kind to him because he KNOWS he's a freak and that he's weird but you're not still being sweet??? too pure, must protect

gives great hugs since he practically smothers anyone he meets with them, but is also basically a walking heater

is terrified of the idea of taking care of children or just anything weaker than him, but is good with them since they always hang on his arms and hold his legs when he walks

super strong

likes sweets a whole lot, specifically fruity sweets like apple pie or peach cobbler. never bring those wallmart cakes or whatever near him cause it'll be gone in like an hour flat unless you tell him to leave you some

- in conclusion, he needs therapy and probably won't be very responsive when he's not sure what to do. it doesn't mean he loves you any less, but he may have a hard time communicating it to you. all he really needs is some patience and a bit of understanding, and he'll get better with the whole s/o thing soon enough. cause you mean the world to him, and he doesn't want anyone or anything to make you feel like less than that

[jasontoddiefor]

Sunday Batfam Fanfic Recs!

Today I got some painful fanfics for you! 27 ones to be precise! Have fun! Cry a lot and leave these authors many tearful comments!

I’m a little busy right now, which is why I didn’t do any fanfic rec lists in the last weeks, but I’m trying to get back on schedule!

Title: (re)incarnation Summary: "Shut up," one of the men hissed. "Do you want a beating, brat?" "No," Dick said. "But maybe I deserve one. I mean, you did just shoot a kid like he deserved it. How should I know what I deserve?" "Shut up, or you might just end up deserving one," the other guy snapped. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16044062

Title: Anathema Summary: When a new crime lord in Gotham gets the upper hand, Red Hood and Batman are dealt crippling blows. When faced with near death and an inability to hide behind their masks in the weeks after, Jason and Bruce have to deal with some old haunts between them. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18604273

Title: An Act of Mercy Summary: "You're gonna be okay," Tim keeps saying. "I'm here. We're almost home. You're gonna be okay." Or, that time Bruce gets hit with Fear Toxin. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19036840

Title: Break Summary: In which Jason is dead and Dick has reached his breaking point. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18496762

Title: Frightening but not afraid Summary: When the family is hit by a new strain of fear toxin, safety is in numbers. Unfortunately, three members of the flock are still out there, afraid and alone. Bruce may not be the best at comforting his children, but apparently, he can let his wings do the talking Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20120557

Title: goodnight, gotham Summary: In the wake of shooting penguin, Jason Todd's world is torn to shreds. And perhaps found again. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16572116

Title: I survived (but I paid for it) Summary: sometimes, the only way to survive is to go numb. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20418752

Title: I’m in paradise with Dad Summary: Jason dies in Bruce's arms rather than before he gets there. It messes some things (and people) up Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/711570

Title: I’m just fine Summary: After rescuing a group of children (including himself) from being kidnapped and sustaining injuries in the process, Tim has difficulty thinking about anything except his guilt over what he could have done better. Based on a story from the comics. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18935299

Title: Like Any Other Kid Summary: Damian's had nightmares every night since he was resurrected and has refused to tell anyone about them until now. Tired of dealing with them, he does what any other kid would do and joins his father in bed. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7588219

Title: Liminal Spaces Summary: Bruce's habit of collecting strays is not limited by dimension. Or: When Young Justice Batman comes across an angsty, seemingly abandoned by his Batman Tim Drake, he decides to step up to the plate and parent the crap out of him Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1414078

Title: little misunderstandings Summary: Bruce has heard that line hundreds of times, mostly in his own thoughts, when he sets his eyes on the clown. Clark was the one to tell him first. He would have done it. He's known for years that those words were the only thing that kept his one rule intact. Unfortunately, they are a lie. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1506059

Title: More Like a Nightmare Summary: The criminals in Gotham are gross. Stephanie knows this. Stephanie had a bad childhood. Bruce knows this. One patrol, these two facts come together. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19374331

Title: No Silver Bullet Summary: Everyone knows Batman's origin story. Everyone has heard about Bruce Wayne's tragic past, and his orphaning. It's also common knowledge that Batman doesn't like guns. However, Bruce's PTSD and triggering because of guns isn't often explored... Here are five times that Bruce was triggered, and one time something was different. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20633273

Title: Of Gunshots and being Enough Summary: Stephanie Brown is Robin, but no one seems to believe it. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18056402

Title: Papercuts Summary: They've always said that lies hurt the ones you love the most. None of Bruce's children had any idea how important it was for him to know the truth. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20895134

Title: Tell-tale Summary: " 'Hey,' Jason calls, and Tim turns around with a start. Looks surprised he’s been addressed at all. And Jason says, 'You tell ‘im, Babybird. He feels guilty he doesn’t love you.' " Or, the kids compete to see who should give Bruce bad news. But Jason doesn't take Tim and Bruce's fractured relationship into account. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/697095

Title: This distance between us Summary: He wondered where Jason was right now, what he was doing. Probably sleeping, he hoped. Yes, that was it. Fast asleep in his apartment, probably wrapped up like a turtle in the covers. Drooling on his pillow. Blissfully dreaming of muscle cars and guns, or whatever it was teenagers dreamed of. Even though he was twenty now, and not a teenager anymore. Or, Bruce deals with some late-night drasticizing and reacts like a traumatized father of a dead son would. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17749808

Title: the blood stuck beneath his fingernails Summary: Jason is alive- he knows he's alive- but the dreams of the damned, of the dead, drive him near insanity. Luckily, he has people who care for him and motivate him to move forward from the deep melancholy he so often gravitates towards. Features talks with his annoying older brother, his awkward dad, a few mental breakdowns, and the constant wonderings of which gods set Jason up on this path. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1441537

Title: the bridge to nowhere Summary: Jason and Bruce take care of an injured Damian. It forces Jason to reflect on some... unpleasant things. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18239213

Title: The Jason Project Summary: Jason had just wanted to see his autopsy report, he had only wanted to know what information Bruce had about his death. And when Bruce hadn't given it to him, he had stolen it. He hadn’t meant to stumble upon the bucket list of a dead child and the footage of a grieving father crossing one item after another off the list. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19899613

Title: Ugly memories in third person Summary: “Cover your drink.”[Damian's words have consequences and Bruce's mind is not the bomb-proofed system of boxes and compartments he forces himself to believe it is.] Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20301352

Title: Unravel Summary: He doesn’t notice it at first. He’s too happy. He’s back. For good, now. Damian’s alive, and talking to him. Jason and Tim are mad at him for a little while, but they both start talking to him soon enough, too. Cass gives him smiles and hugs, and she lets him kiss her cheek occasionally. So, yeah. He’s too caught up in his family to notice what’s happening at first. In which Dick's trauma catches up to him before he's ready. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/822048

Title: Used to the Darkness Summary: “I’m not there,” he said, trying not to sob. “I’m not in my grave, I’m not in the ground.” “I know,” Bruce whispered, bringing Jason’s hand to his lips. “I’m not Icarus or Ophelia.” Jason’s voice grew louder in an attempt to reach that hidden part of Bruce. “I’m not my death. I’m not a tragedy.” ~ Wherein death is haunting and love is painful. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20921330

Title: What Possesses You Summary: He knew Bruce was eyeing him, surely assessing what his son’s young, unchanging face implied. Jason wanted, desperately, to look back and see that stony face. He wanted to know what lied behind those eyes when Bruce realized that he hadn’t aged a day.~ Immortality is a curse that few can bear Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17852552

Title: when you coming home Summary: Dick speaks to his father after five long years. Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20307529

Title: whip-poor-will she sings Summary: What if Jack's emotional abuse of Tim took a more physical turn? Link: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1536047

[centvr]

𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐑𝐎𝐃𝐔𝐂𝐈𝐍𝐆

          [  mat bar/zal  .  20  .  male .  he / him  ] just saw 𝐂𝐀𝐒𝐒𝐈𝐔𝐒 '𝐂𝐀𝐙' 𝐙𝐄𝐂𝐊𝐇𝐀𝐔𝐒𝐄𝐑 dragging their suitcase up the steps of 𝐁𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐈𝐍𝐆𝐒 .  good luck living with 𝐇𝐈𝐌 ,  word around campus is that they’re 𝐏𝐑𝐈𝐕𝐀𝐓𝐄 ,  𝐒𝐄𝐋𝐅𝐈𝐒𝐇  ,  𝐀𝐌𝐈𝐀𝐁𝐋𝐄  &  𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐃𝐖𝐎𝐑𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐆 .  makes sense they chose that house now  ,  doesn’t it  ?  let’s hope this new living situation doesn’t affect their 𝐉𝐔𝐍𝐈𝐎𝐑 year of 𝐁𝐈𝐎𝐋𝐎𝐆𝐘   [  oliver .  22  .  they/them  .  est  ]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐇𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐋𝐈𝐆𝐇𝐓𝐒

          the son of one of the most prominent nflers not following in his father's footsteps, shunned for choosing the wrong sport ( perhaps his father should have known, naming him CASSIUS after the betrayer ) ; a graduate of the us national team development ( hockey ) program where he really came into his own as a TWO-WAY CENTER & continues to grow with his college team ; in his third and final year studying BIOLOGY, because if the nhl didn’t pan out he always wanted to be a vet ; a sharks prospect, but A MINNESOTA BOY through and through, from his love of frozen lakes to his love of hockey ; just someone who hides everything with a smile and a nonchalant attitude even when he’s about to break and knows failure is not an option when he's come this far.

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐒𝐓𝐎𝐑𝐘

( tw for death & verbal / emotional abuse )

— cassius adrian zeckhauser was born on a chilly november day, the first snow flurries of the year fluttering outside the st. paul ( minnesota ) hospital window. star nfl quarterback robert zeckhauser at the tailend of his career and his beautiful model wife welcomed their newborn son into what should have been the perfect life — with a name like that though, it probably should’ve been obvious that he wasn’t destined to be happy.

— and it was extremely close to perfect for almost twelve years. time was split between st paul and a summer and vacation home in monterey, california. caz followed in his father’s footsteps playing football, and also hockey as all good minnesota children do. it was a snowy night not too long after his twelfth birthday when his mother passed away suddenly of what doctors claimed were natural causes. they never were able to identify what exactly it was that ended her beautiful life, all caz knows is that after that things changed.

— now in retirement from playing, his father sold their main home in minnesota and moved them permanently to monterey. grief changes people, and not always for the better. in the wake of the loss of his wife, robert zeckhauser threw himself into the bottom of a bottle and coaching rather than face his grief and became obsessed with what he saw to be his son’s god given path to nfl stardom.

— caz, to his credit, did show great potential at football. his father’s additional coaching only gave him an edge : no one could argue that he was talented just because of his father’s influence — unless they were just referring to him inheriting his genes. caz loved football actually, but that was before his father’s dogged obsession with him succeeding in it. then high school came and thing became much worse. the more robert zeckhauser became obsessed with his son following in his football career, the more caz began to hate it.

— the field was soon associated with negativity, even though his coaches did their best, it wasn’t enough to tamper the infamous temper of robert zeckhauser. he never laid a hand on caz, but that was only because he didn’t have to — caz was simply too afraid.

— and so caz began to spend more and more time at the one place that seemed to bring good memories for him : the ice rink. growing up in minnesota, caz knew how to skate and how to play the game, of course ; it was pretty much inevitable. he’d shown what same said could be elite PROMISE at that too before robert zeckhauser packed up ship and moved them to sunny california. hockey wasn’t just for the frigid sub-zero temperatures of canada. 

— with the extra time on the rink to calm his mind and escape the noise of the outside world, caz became even better, standing out boldly on his hockey team as the BEST by miles ( and that meant catching the attention of scouts for a certain program ). robert would yell at dinner about priorities ; for once, caz wouldn’t listen. it all came to a head when caz received an invite to try out for the us national team development program before his junior year of high school. and then caz finally saw a chance at salvation : a way out. ( all robert zeckhauser saw was his son personally spiting him by picking the wrong sport and throwing away millions and tainting the family legacy ).

— but regardless, caz ended up making the squad by the skin of his teeth, playing for them for two years — and best of all, being able to spend the school year back in minnesota away from the presence of his father. it was evident early on that he made the right choice, and under the usntdp coaches he made progress in leaps and bounds — going from barely making it into the program into one of their best. but with that came his father’s wrath — caz only went home to monterey when he had to, and sometimes not even then, preferring to stay with one of his teammates if they would have him. summers were near inescapable though, filled with loud, toxic beratements and even longer, more toxic silences.

— fortunately or perhaps unfortunately, caz was climbing the prospect charts though — and the only thing robert zeckhauser hated more than his son was bad press, and that meant all their arguing and deeply negative relationship was kept under tight wraps from the public eye. caz’s development and talent and increasing prestige was probably the only thing that kept his father from actually cutting all ties with him, which at least meant he never had to want for money to support himself.

— caz had plenty of schools clamoring for him to commit by his senior year, but most intriguing was a personal visit from the head coach and athletic director of the west coast halston university. meant to bring an east coast flavor to the west, they’d just recently received their division i designation for their men’s hockey team only the season past and wanted caz to be their defining piece to keep them there. there were other schools of course, boston university, minnesota, north dakota, a handful of ivies, and yet caz’s mind kept going back to halston and eventually he signed on the dotted line for them.

𝐌𝐈𝐒𝐂

— his major is bio because if the nhl doesn’t work out he always wanted to be a vet and has a deep love for animals. a dog is something he’s always wanted, but has never had the time of physical stability to adopt one. he doesn’t have much time during the school year but in the summer he volunteers part-time at an animal clinic.

— drafted before his freshman year in the 2018 draft 21st overall to the san jose sharks :) he’s a two-way, playmaking center with exceptional skating skills. centers the first line and plays on the powerplay, and more recently has become a fixture on the penalty kill as his defensive abilities have gotten better ( i’m thinking jack eic/hel in style, but like... if you walked jack back to an appropriate college level lmAO ). wears number 13 bc im lazy in edits and has an A.

— caz is in his third and final year of college. thanks to a heavy number of ap credits, summer classes, and a much sharper mind than most people give him credit for ( and far too much stress and sleep deprivation ), he’s close to pulling off his plan to graduate in three years. ideally, the sharks would have liked him to be playing with their ahl team this year, but caz had made it clear he wanted to graduate before joining the nhl, upholding a promise he’d made to his mother before she passed away. it was agreed caz would have three years, and he hopes to make the team straight out of training camp come next august.

— caz was sixteen, finally away from his father and thriving under the guidance of the ntdp, when he realized he liked guys just as much as he liked girls — maybe even a lot more. it’s something he had to come to begrudging acceptance with ; a difficult task for him at first. it was simply a fact and facet carefully explored behind locked doors and then carefully buried where no one could ever find out ( he doesn’t know which would be worse : his father or the media ). currently, he’s extremely careful about his approach with the same sex, often just sleeping with guys also in the closet or at least those who understand the sensitivity of the subject — often fellow athletes.

— when it comes to destressing, caz is unsurprisingly one to frequent the rink or go for a run. he has recently taken up yoga though which has had the added benefit of improving his flexibility so win-win, he guesses.

— caz keeps a pretty steady schedule somehow, rising at nearly the same early time every day even if the time he goes to sleep fluctuates and even if he doesn’t have a morning practice to get to. he believes it’s a good habit to establish. he’ll go down to the kitchen to make coffee and breakfast. that being said, that doesn’t mean he’s a morning person — he’s grumpy and near mute until he’s had at least two cups of coffee, but he will offer to make anyone who’s also up that early an omlet.

— any positive traits caz exudes are certainly in no way thanks to his father, but rather a series of people who stepped into that role when he left at sixteen. he didn’t realize it at the time, but running away from something also become running toward something else. his coaches stepped into fatherly roles in his real father’s absence. they and his billet family and the parents of his friends in the program kept him grounded and level-headed when he could have turned out much differently.

— he’s a regular at a cafe near campus that he stops at after morning workouts/practices before going to his first class. he drinks his coffee black.

— he’s no chef but he’s decent in the kitchen and very cognizant of the food he puts into his body. because of that, he’s also not a huge drinker either and rarely consumes soda.

— there’s a pullup bar on his door and he starts and ends his day with situps, pushups, and pullups.

— caz was raised roman catholic but his own beliefs have trended strongly toward agnostic as he’s gotten older.

— he goes by caz and pretty much caz only. he’s doesn’t make it very well known what his actual first name is, and almost everyone who does know has found out on accident be it a rookie mistake in the hockey team’s promoing ( doesn’t happen much anymore ) or a curious eye on his driver’s license. cassius is what his father calls him, and he’d prefer it if no one else did.

— the décor of his room is extremely minimalist. a photo of a night sky over a frozen lake in minnesota on his wall and one from his time at the ndtp on his nightstand are the only ones in his room. a sharks pennant hangs on the inside of his door as a reminder of what he’s working toward. it’s otherwise kept bare and clean. his sheets are gray, his comforter plain black. he keeps thinking about getting some plants but has never gotten around to it.

— since caz’s start at halston, his father picked up a sports analyst job in the bay area where he also rents a lavish apartment. this means he’s thankfully usually absent in their monterey home which caz usually frequents in the summers save for the month he’s on campus for summer classes.

— accolades : silver medalist ( 2019 world junior championships ), 21st overall 2018 entry level draft, silver medalist ( 2018 IIHF world u18 championships ), gold medalist ( 2017 IIHF world u18 championships ) 

— i imagine that halston’s d1 hockey program functions very similarly to that of arizona state university in that it is an independent program not affiliated with any conference. upon creation of the program, they played a hybrid season against a variety of D1, D2, and D3 programs and transitioned to playing against exclusively D1 programs starting the season before caz arrived on the team ( 2017-2018 ). they have made the frozen four final once last season ( 2020 ) and lost in the semifinals.

𝐏𝐄𝐑𝐒𝐎𝐍𝐀𝐋𝐈𝐓𝐘

PRIVATE  ,  SELFISH  ,  AMIABLE  &  HARDWORKING

— caz is someone who puts a hundred percent into whatever he does : practice, homework, a friendly game of volleyball in the backyard. no one would call him a slacker by any means, except of course his father. his focus and motivation is unparalleled, and that’s helped him greatly through his life in school and his endeavors toward being a professional athlete. but there are times when he puts too much of himself into something. he’s terrible at multitasking, focusing on one thing at a time in full, and has a tendency to burn out if he’s not careful ( or if no one’s looking out for him — which in his first year at halston, probably was more common than not ). he doesn’t like people who don’t try their hardest, though he’s sympathetic to those who do and still do not seem to get the results they want — especially those on the hockey team, often offering to lend them a hand if they want it.

— in his life caz has come to learn that only person he can fully trust and count on is himself. that’s resulted in a rather selfish streak in him, though he works to not let that appear too much on the surface. he’s not an unkind person who would walk over others to get what he wants, and he fears growing into the arrogance and blunt forwardness of his father, but the ultimate bottom line is he will always chose to help himself over someone else. there are a few rare exceptions to this of course : a handful of his teammates and very close friends.

— still, he’s a friendly person, someone who’d give off fairly good and relaxed vibes ; some may even call him kind. there are plenty of people who’d consider him a friend, though the truth is they might not know all that much about caz. he has the uncanny ability to make people feel like they know him without revealing anything of substance. he’s very much a two-way mirror or the façade in that manner : caz sees out but no one ever sees in. to most he’s happy, he’s fine, friendly, amiable, and never gives anyone a reason to doubt that.

— caz has a way of appearing calm, cool, and collected even when he’s not, and a lot of effort on his part goes into that to come across that way. there’s a lot that can hide behind a smile and an easy-going attitude and caz has perfected that armor meticulously. the truth of course is that he’s under an immense amount of pressure and a lot closer to falling apart then he wants to admit  — he’s afraid if anyone did manage to worm their way in that he’d fall to pieces.

— he’s most reserved at parties, always in attendance and participating enough for it to be socially acceptable but never letting himself go completely. there’s still a lot he can lose, and he’s not in the business of doing anything that could jeopardize that further.

𝐀𝐏𝐏𝐄𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄

— 6′0″ & 189 lbs : caz is unsurprisingly very fit and strong, with the large quads and glutes 🍑 common in hockey players, though his upper body and core strength is nothing to snooze at either.

— black hair with a slight curl, usually kept to a modest length and styled to look effortless, could be described as fluffy or tousled ( pretty much as it looks in most of the gif icons and visage gifsets ). when he’s stressed he has a tendency to run his hands through it and it looks even messier. caz isn’t much on his appearance, but he is careful to tend to his hair. it does get quite long in the summer, seeing as he often doesn’t get it cut between the end of the season until right before pre-season ; often needing to be kept back in a bun near summer’s end.

— gray-hazel eyes : their exact shade depends on the light. they’re very much his father’s eyes over his mother’s warm brown ones ; it’s a fact he hates but he does appreciate the fact he also inherited his dad’s 20-20 vision.

— typically clean shaven or with some stubble when he misses a couple days or so or sometimes slightly more esp around exams and project due date. the exception to this of course is during the end of year tournaments during which he doesn’t shave and looks rather scruffy.

— on a normal day, caz has the fashion sense you’d expect from a college athlete, liberally employing the use of sweatpants, nike and adidas track pants, t-shirts, hoodies, and sneakers and slides. he does have the ability to look nice when he has to though, often cutting a sharp figure in a suit on gamedays and formals, or a slim fitting pair of darkwash jeans and a button down when the occasion calls for it.

— jewelry : he’s almost always wearing a rather non-descript necklace with a small circular pendent that belonged to his mother ; an analogue watch with a brown leather band that doesn’t seem to match with his college athlete look that was a gift on his eighteenth birthday from one of his coaches who became a father-figure in his life ; his right lobe is pierced ( the result of a some very poor judgement in the summer before he arrived at halston, but at least it wasn’t a tattoo of something embarrassing like his friend zac ), very rarely is anything in it and most people don’t know it even exists, but he puts something in it frequently enough that it still hasn’t closed up.

— scars : a small scar over his right cheekbone from an accident on a frozen lake when he was young, near invisible unless you’re close or know it’s there ; two longer scars about two inches long on his right outside elbow from when a cat scratched him at the clinic ; several other small ones he can’t recall the injuries they’re from

— tattoos : a butterfly and a moth in flight together on his left bicep, the butterfly was for his mother, the moth in a way to represent himself ( they mean self-acceptance, after all ).

—  PINTEREST BOARD HERE

𝐂𝐎𝐍𝐍𝐄𝐂𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍𝐒

          first and foremost, i love chatting and brainstorming with people. i think that’s where the most meaningful plots are formed, but here are a few ideas to serve as starting points :

— childhood friend ( any ) : someone who is also from a wealthy family, likely close to monterey or in the very least in california. they had to attend a lot of the same fancy diners and parties as him. perhaps this person is aware of his true relationship with his father and just how deeply negative it is.  — TAKEN BY BLAIR.

— the set up ( female ) : this was a last ditch effort from his father, not long after caz left for the usntdp when he was sixteen, his father set him up with this girl he deemed to be a suitable match, the daughter of another rich family ( perhaps sports related, or just wealthy ). most of their contact probably was over the summer when caz was more free. the nature of their relationship can be brainstormed, robert stopped pushing it when caz was drafted at eighteen ( two years ago ), but i think he still wants it to happen.

— the ex-girlfriend ( female ) : caz only has had one girlfriend in college from his freshman year. this is pretty open-ended but i do strongly believe that she broke up with him ( for whatever reason, but i imagine something along the lines of him not loving her nearly as much as she loved him ). 

— i hate your guts ( any ) : they were groomed to HATE each other, to carry on the stupid rivalry of their fathers that no one remembers the reason for — perhaps it’s as simple as there not being enough room for both of their egos. it doesn’t really matter what the reason that started this was. they don’t really know why they hate each other at this point, it’s just a fact as instinctive as breathing ; not a single conversation can be had without them clashing in some way  — TAKEN BY KIERAN.

— you know i’ve got your back ( male ) : honestly caz just needs a friend, guys...

— animal lover ( any ) : someone who’s run into him at the animal clinic over the summer or is just somehow otherwise aware of his love for animals. i just want to write something about that facet of him.

— the blind date ( female ) : someone his teammates keep trying to set him up with because they’re certain he’s lonely. i mean... he is but that’s not the point. honestly so open ended.  —  TAKEN BY FRANKIE.

— hookups, project partners, people on campus he randomly runs into, fans of the hockey team, fans of him, crushes on him, housemates, the world is our oyster lads.

— also i know the ratio is kinda off on this list but i’m a lot better of coming up with plots for males on the spot so honestly just come vibe w me. okay thank you 😔

𝐎𝐎𝐂

          hello everyone !!! i’m oliver or ollie, 22, they / them pronouns, and in the est timezone. i am very excited to be finally bringing caz off hiatus with the very sexy mat as his fc ( which if you know who he is u probably were like ‘ whiteguyblinking.gif ’ when you saw him on the list but i promise this is gunna work, i’ve been making gif icons like crazy ). he was always my first choice fc for caz but i was always too lazy to make it happen until NOW. also im censoring all actual nhlers names because i don’t need the mortification of this showing up in their tags somehow. anyway, i’m super excited to get things rolling and i hope we’re here for a good long time !!

[kirishwima]

Mystic Messenger crew helping comfort MC after the loss of their older sister? MC was really close to their sister, even though their sister was six years older than them, and considered them their best friend. Thank you so much for considering! ;w;

ouch...this really hits close to home bc i also have a sister 6 years older than me, and we’re very close friends, i can’t imagine how horrible the loss of such a loved one must be. i hope you’re not experiencing anything like that, and if you do then im greatly sorry for your loss 

i hope these headcanons could cheer you up a little!

YOOSUNG:

*Even though he also has a sister, he doesn't really have the bond MC and their sister do-he loves her, definitely, but they're not nearly as close.

* He does however know what it’s like to lose a family member you hold so dear to you-he did lose Rika after all, and the pain of that loss is something he doesn’t think he can ever completely get over

* He was actually very eager to meet MC’s sister, as he constantly heard stories of her shenanigans with MC

* Only he never gets the chance to

* The news of their sister passing leaves MC devastated, and he finds them after coming home from work sitting on the couch crying, their head hidden in their palms

* He’s immediatly besides MC, cradling them in his arms as he comforts them

* When he finds out what happened, he’s just as shocked and upset, knowing how much their sister meant to them-

* He’s at a loss of words, because what can one say at a tragedy like this? 

* What he does say however, is what he knows to be the truth, what MC’s sister would probably want them to know as well.

* “MC, my love, please, please don’t cry. What happened it’s horrible, it really is, but your sister loved you so much, she’d hate the thought of you crying like this. Let’s try and keep the happier memories of her alive, for both your and her sake, okay?”

* He’s there for MC through it all-the funeral, the grieving process, the sleepless nights, everything

* He simply wants to see the one he loves happy again, no matter what it takes.

ZEN:

* He has an older brother he was close to, but even so he can’t imagine the pain MC must be going through-he was never as close to his brother as MC was to their sister.

* He’d heard stories about their childhood, had even met MC’s sister and saw how close the two were, a bond even thicker than blood-they chose to be as good friends as they were, and it warmed Zen’s heart to see his beloved SO this happy.

* The news of her passing saddened him a lot as well, but he kept his composure as much as possible, tried to keep his voice steady and his embrace around MC firm as he comforted them

* He’d drop everything going on in his job to accompany MC to the funeral and stay home with them as long as they needed to recover even a little

* He’ll stay up late with them on the roof, sharing a drink and even an occasional cigarette if it’ll help take the edge off, but only within limits-he’d never allow MC to develop bad habits because of their grief, knowing this is the last thing their sister would want, and the last thing he’d want for his love as well.

* Instead, if MC’s comfortable with it, he’ll urge them to tell him happy stories from their childhood, things that can help MC remember the good times they shared with their sister and keep them close to their heart

* He’ll be there for MC through thick and thin, and will help threm through their grief as long as it takes

JUMIN:

* To Jumin, family is everything. Familial bonds are thicker than any other, he believes, and is happy to see MC is just as close with their family too.

* He’s also an only child and hasn’t had the chance to experience what having siblings is like, but if it’s anything like the bond MC shares with their sister, than he knows he certaintly missed out on a lot of experiences.

* When he hears about the passing of MC’s sister, he’s shocked and upset, but is quick to regain his composure and rush to MC’s side-he can’t begin to imagine the pain they must be feeling

* He cancels everything to stay with MC, hold them through it all and provide words of comfort

* He’s very unsure of what to do, and will have to ask MC what he can do to help-just say the word and this man will do it, he’ll move the moon and stars if MC so much as asks him to

* He’ll hold them close to his chest and rub circles on their back as they cry, will bury his nose on the crown of their head and kiss them, promising to be there for them through it all

* He won’t pressure MC to talk about it if they don’t want to-he’ll simply sit with them in silence, allowing them to process their emotions and discuss them if and when they’re ready to.

* He’s not going anywhere.

JAEHEE:

* She’s experienced so much loss in her life, and knows exactly what it’s like to lose a family member, especially one so close to you.

* When she hears of MC’s sister’s passing, she can’t say she’s certain what to do-she knows that grief and the pain of it are different for everyone, and while she can’t empathise, it doesn’t mean she can be certain what MC is feeling right then

* She will however subtly show her support-she’ll hold MC when they cry, will wipe away their tears and brew warm tea for them as she sits by their side quietly

* If MC needs a distraction, she’ll put on a musical for them to watch, or will even sing for them, her voice soft and shaky but her grip on MC’s hand firm, showing her support through their interlocked fingers

* She’ll be there for MC through it all, and will be the pillar they need during this time.

SEVEN:

* Saeyoung is also an old friend with loss and grief-he’s been through it time and time again, so much so that he’s afraid he’s become desensitised to it, especially considering his field of work

* That doesn’t mean however that he doesn’t understand why MC is as upset and grief-stricken as they are when they learn of their sister’s passing-of course he understands, and it pains him so much to see his beloved in such a predicament

* He’s honestly unsure of how to comfort them-he doesn’t want to tell them empty reassurances, doesn’t want to hurt them further by accident

* Instead he’ll hold them in a tight embrace, run his hands through their hair and let them cry on his shoulder

* He’ll be quiet, oddly enough so for him, his joking persona left aside for now as he lets MC process their emotions

* If MC wants, he’ll distract them with memes and crappy films, or will take them for drives with his cars, taking them to isolated destinations in forests or by lakes where he’ll lay on the hood of the car with MC, their head laying on his chest as they talk about everything and anything

* If MC would prefer he talks instead so they can distract their mind from their thoughts, he’ll tell them stories of his and Saeran’s childhood-he’ll try to skim through his memories and look for good, fun moments he can share, ones that can bring a smile to both their lips

* He might be uncertain of how to help, but he’ll be damned if he doesn’t do his best to see MC’s bright smile once more

V/JIHYUN:

* He’s also well-acquainted with grief and pain, from the loss of his mother, to the loss of Rika and so on and so forth

* He’s devastated to see MC’s tear-striken face, and is shocked to hear the news-he’s heard such wonderful things about MC’s sister, and was so glad MC had such a loved family member

* He’ll hold them through it all, his hand interlocked with MC’s throughout the funeral, will stay up late with them and hold them in his arms as they talk

* Even if MC isn’t religious, he’ll take them with him to church, at a time he knows it’ll be as empty as can be-not to pray, not necessarily, but to find some solace in the quietness, allow them to process their thoughts and feelings and let their emotions out in a place where no one is allowed to judge them

* If MC asks him to, he’ll share his own experiences with grief-how he handled his mother’s passing, how people around him reacted, and so on. It’s bittersweet, to be talking about his mother again after so long, but he knows it’s a wound that’s healed-it’s left a scar, of course it has, but it’s as healed as a wound can be, and one that’s okay to poke at, especially if it’s something that could help MC process their own grief.

* He’s not a man of many words, but what he says he means. And when he kisses MC and promises them that everything will be okay, he meant is. Maybe not perfect, not back to how they used to be-no one can return to the past, no matter how much they wish to after all. So things might not be great. But they’ll be okay. And he’ll be there with them until it does.

I hope this was okay!

-send me headcanons/scenarios for mystic messenger characters to react to!-

[vestige-of-hope]

Cresseida al-Bergama

im starting to make oc posts so i can make an official oc page starting with cresseida using this template by tumblr user jessaryss with some tweaks here and there. They said anyone can use it and personalize it for themselves so if y’all want to use this feel free to!

BASICS

Name: Cresseida al-Bergama 

Nicknames: She doesn’t like to go by any nicknames, just Cresseida, though close friends can call her Cress. Do grand titles count as nicknames? If so then Vestige, Champion, etc. etc.

Race: Redguard, demiprince of Clavicus Vile, though it’s lowkey, she’s human-passing

Age: 24 in the base game, 28 in Summerset, 30 right now (2020)

Pronouns: She/Her

Eyes: Dull gray without her soul, silver with her soul back

Hair: Curly and poofy, dark reddish brown

Skin: Brown with a lot of random freckles and moles

Height: 5′2 (tiny baby uwu)

General Physique: Very muscular especially arms and thighs and back. i wouldn’t say she’s skinny more sculpted really

Tattoos, War paints, Scars?: has a large gray scar right in the middle of her chest. the magic on mannimarco’s dagger was so corrupted it left a deep mark on her new body in addition to the old one, as if it was some dark and traumatic memory imprinted on her skin. she also has a dark daedric mark on her back that reveals her daedric background but her mom lied and told her it was just a birthmark lmao

About

Werewolf/Vampire?: none

Occupation: savior of tamriel

Guild Associations: mages guild, undaunted enclave, psijic order

Favored Weapon Class/Type: her whole life cresseida was trained in the art of sword and shield but as she started to not fear her magic and train and hone it she switched to a lightning staff. now she uses it exclusively but she still trains with the sword and has also trained to fight nonmagically with her staff

Favored School of Magic/Type: Dark magic, conjuration, destruction, specifically storm and lightning. she has persuasion abilities from clavicus vile: people tend to immediately trust her, feel calmer in her presence. she’s good at bargaining and persuading people to make a choice over the other. also like vile she has her own daedric companion, her clannifear

Heavy/Light/Medium Armor? Clothes?: despite being a mage ingame with light armor in reality she prefers heavy armor, though she slowly starts to wear some light armor as she trusts people more and gets less closed off

Place of Birth: Bergama

Place Where they were Raised: with a group of nomads led by her aunt and mother who travelled all over Hammerfell in caravans

Current Location: her current home is in Wayrest though she is getting slowly used to her plane of oblivion (ingame its the psijic manor on artaeum)

Education/Place of Study: was mostly educated by her mother and books, then after her family was killed she was raised by throne keeper  Farvad at Tu’whacca’s temple then trained for a bit with the sword masters at Leki’s Blade

Personal

Patron Deity (if any): Meridia, Sheogorath, Clavicus Vile (not really a patron but more of just a pain in the ass cause he’s her father)

Political Alliance (if any): Daggerfall Covenant

Strongest Skills: beating up daedric princes, fighting, magic

Strengths: very protective, will go to hell and back for the people she loves. kind despite her initial reluctance to help out, she’s not one to turn people away who need help. persuasive and she easily wins people over through her actions. levelheaded most of the time.

Weaknesses: prone to angry outbursts. sometimes she can lose control of her storms. reckless, she thinks she can’t be killed (again) and it causes her to rush headfirst into danger. always insists on handling things on her own. thinks too black and white, she is always learning how it’s not always this or that

Spouses? Flings? Lovers?: cresseida was never interested in love as she was too hellbent on getting revenge on those who killed her home and family, and later on stopping molag bal and mannimarco, and most of her life she refused to open up to anyone, secretly afraid of them getting taken from her. darien was one of her first friends, and the way she came to care so much about him caught her by surprise

Most difficult quest they’ve been on: taking on nocturnal after watching darien die right in front of her

Jail Time: none she’s a good noodle (unless you count coldharbour...?)

Largest Bounty Held: none. crime is wrong and she’ll kill you if she sees you doing it

How do they get gold?: selling random loot off her dead enemies and doing things for people

Are werebeings and vampires Vile Creatures or Simply Misunderstood?: she used to loath vampires until she met Verandis and was proved how such creatures can choose to do good and be trusted. she has yet to meet a good werewolf though

Goals in Life: protect tamriel and its inhabitants *thumbs up*

Deepest Regret: not trying hard enough to hunt down her family’s killers (despite being like 12 at the time lol), not trying hard enough to look for anyone who survived like her cousin Rafiyah who turned out to have been alive this whole time, not telling Darien how she felt sooner

Greatest Hope: despite all the hell she has gone through, looking back, so much good has happened. she has traveled to so many beautiful and astonishing places and met so many wonderful people that would not have happened had she stayed in Hammerfell

Flaws: oh i accidentally put these under weaknesses lol oh well they’re kinda similar

Fears: losing. letting evil win. although she’s super confident in her abilities there is always that one shred of doubt that she won’t win this time. also she’s afraid of losing the friends she’s made, especially her cousin

What makes them happy: being with Rafiyah, petting her clannfear, her cooked food, seeing a daedric prince lose miserably at her hands, running into her old friends in new places unexpectedly

Hobbies: Despite her cold outwards appearance and her reputation as a powerful hero, cresseida loves to cook and sew. her mother was a seamstress and cress learned a lot from her

Favorite Locations: daggerfall, bergama, all of summerset, ARTAEUM

Eating Habits: the standard three meals a day, though she tends to forget to eat when she’s busy on quests. she does bring a lot of snacks tho for when she’s on the road or in a plane of oblivion, ya know, the usual

Can they cook?: Yes and she’s amazing at it. too bad almost no one knows...

Favorite Food: idk ive never thought about that. most likely something that reminds her of eating around the campfires with the other caravaneers when she was young

Favorite Drink: Tea. She hates alcohol btw

First thing they do at a tavern?: Get a room so she can unpack and wind down in private

Sleeping habits: On her side, back towards the wall if there is one, sword/staff close by. her clannfear sleeps at her feet on alert the whole time

Cities or the Wilds?: cities. through her many adventures cresseida has developed a fondness for the people she has reluctantly sworn to protect, and seeing civilians stumble about their lives reminds her of what she has to do.

Pet Peeves: people who waste her time, liars, cowards, people who talk a lot and very loudly

Describe their bedroom or home: pretty bare, she has always been a minimalist who packs lightly cause she never stays in one place

Opinions on daedra: very easy to hate them once coldharbour happened, though after she found out she was a demiprince while she was in the alik’r it really turned her world upside down.

[joonyverse]

The President - Baekhyun (EXO) (Part 6)

A/N: Hello! I’m back again with the 6th part of the series! Honestly, I had fun writing this part, and I hope you could enjoy this part as well? This part included a little disturbing scene (stated in warning) and I hope you guys don’t mind? ;-; anyway just like always! i hope you enjoy this part as well!

IM PREVIOUSLY SUPREXOMACIST

Summary: Being the youngest Minister is not easy, especially when it seems like the whole world is trying to go against you. Proving yourself is proven to be a difficult thing. But things had to get even more tangled when dark pasts are coming out, and truths are being unveiled

Genre: Drama, romance, fluff, angst

Warning: Age-gap (10 years), some curses, a little disturbing scene (Stalker & kidnap kind), bad english, grammar error, unedited

notes: yln = your last name, yfn = your full name

masterlist

Byun Baekhyun x Female Readers

If you’re uncomfortable with age-gap relationship, please just scroll through it

You can feel sweat trickling down your body, almost showering you with it. You can feel yourself thrashing around, and yet, you don’t see your body moving around. The illusion before you and the sensation you’re feeling is two different worlds. The illusion shows you walking, dangerously slow. And yet, you can feel your body thrashing around. Bewilderment and horror is the only emotion you can feel, the only sensation there. And yet, you somehow know you have a dangerously calm appearance. “Let me go” you whispered weakly. Somehow the energy is way too drained in you. “Please, let me go” you said, a little bit louder. You didn’t even know who you’re begging to. All you know was just you wanted to go.

Suddenly, someone appeared behind you. You can feel their tall figure towering over. And yet you can’t even move to check who was it. Whoever that is, you can feel it was a man.

“Scarlet Reapers” a deep voice said. “Don’t forget that”

“Your allegiance”

And just like that, you jolt up awake. Breaths heavy. You can’t help but pants. Eyes wide open. And just like you thought, you were drenched in sweat. Your flight or fight response were triggered. Paranoia was coming over you. You can’t help but look around. Your horror became more terrifying after you realized it wasn’t your room. You were in a bed yet it’s not yours.

“Let me out!” you screamed. You screamed for help, as loud as you can with all of the energy inside you. ‘Was it all not a dream? Was it real?’ you thought inside your head.

The door to the room was opened harshly. And came Baekhyun into your line of vision. Panic was visible in his face, concern was there too. His eyes frantically search for yours as he ran to you and sat on the bed beside you, engulfing you into a hug.

It’s a rare occasion. Where seeing Baekhyun makes you breathe in relief. The familiar face gives you a sense of comfort. A comfort that somehow felt way too familiar for you, and yet, you can’t pinpoint it. Weakly, you hug him back.

“It’s okay, I’m here, it’s all okay” he said in a gentle voice as he caresses your back, and tightening the hug.

“It was bad” you said. You can’t help but open up to him. You never trust anyone with your emotion, and yet, you have a feeling you can trust Baekhyun with it.

Baekhyun who had his face snug in your shoulder finally looked up and search for yours as he made you look him into his eyes. His eyes full of concern and yet comfort, it somehow feels like… home?

“Was it?” he whispered, loud enough for you to hear.

You can’t help but got lost in his eyes. You never realized how beautiful his eyes were. But now that they were staring right into you, you can’t help but stare. But then you realized he asked a question, and you gave him a weak nod.

He put a trail of hair behind your ear, wiping the sweats on your forehead with the sleeve of his shirt. “It’s okay, I’m here” he said as he comfort you.

“What happened?” you asked. “Where am I?” you added.

“Do you remember anything that happened before you passed out?” he asked.

You squint your eyes, a habit of yours when you tried to remember something. You remember something about reading Scarlet Reaper, when suddenly a wave of memories come to you, and yet you can’t remember it due to the overwhelming amount of it.

“I got overwhelmed by memories” you said, your voice quiet.

“Did you remember any of it?” Baekhyun asked carefully.

You shook your head. “No, it was too overwhelming, and seems like, my brain can’t handle it” you said a little solemnly. You now know that those memories are somehow a part in your life, an important one, and yet you can’t remember it, and it upsets you.

“It’s okay, take your time y/n” Baekhyun said comfortingly, as he caressed your back. He kissed your temple before he hugged you again. “It’s okay”

“Baekhyun, I know all of them are important memories that had happened in my life” you said. “And I know that somehow, you’re part of it” you added.

Hearing that, Baekhyun froze. And you can feel him tensing in your arms. “I’m not stupid, all of the comforts, and you, it’s all feel too familiar, and whatever it is, I’ll try my best to remember again, I know deep inside, that whoever you are, you were, or are an important person in my life” you said.

“So please, help me on remembering Baekhyun” you pleaded.

Baekhyun closed his eyes as he tightened the hug. It’s like he didn’t want to let you go. He closed his eyes, taking the very of you in, making sure that you’re very much real. “Of course I will, I will y/n” he said.

And there you were, in his kitchen. A warm milk in front of you. Baekhyun teased you of your childlike taste, for drinking warm milk for self comfort, but you knew he meant no harm. Which by the way, earned a scowl from you.

He told you that after you passed out, he needs to bring you to his place for safety measure, to not make anything suspicious. And he added that they had to act drunk, so people who weren’t in the team thought that you had too many. And you can’t help but shrieked, won’t it be scandalous if he brought you to his place instead of yours. He said that if you woke up in nightmares, which you did he was afraid that he won’t be there, and him staying at your place will just be more scandalous since you live in an apartment building not a house like his where it’s more private. And you understood what he meant.

You told him about your nightmares. The one that just happened and the one that happened when you were in the hospital. He nodded at that. He confirmed that it was real, he carefully confirm that not wanting to scare you off. It was scary and yet, Baekhyun’s presence comfort you, and truth be told, you were more scared of that rather than the fact you were once went through some horrible tragedy. The thought of being dependent on someone for comfort scared you. But you didn’t tell him about that of course.

As soon as you were home. It feels strange. Usually the comfort of your home is the only thing that keeps you grounded. But now with the new information you just earned, being home and alone makes you a little bit paranoid. And you don’t like that one bit. The thought of being dependent is just a big no to you.

“You get this” you said to yourself. Trying to comfort yourself. “It was the nightmare, and a little bit of past trauma, that’s just it, nothing will harm you here, it’s your home!” you rambled.

And yet, it feels like something will jump at you at the slightest chance they got. And the thought of it makes you shiver. You closed your eyes tightly. Frustration comes over you. “Whoever is in this house, an unwanted guest, please just come out wherever you are” you screamed. You were thankful to have the top floor penthouse all to yourself or else, a neighbor complain would be made.

Slowly you opened your eyes. Nothing happened. And yet you still have that lingering feeling. You wanted to take a shower and yet the thought of being naked and vulnerable just doesn’t feel right.

You sighed. You took your phone out and dialed a number.

“Mina,”

“Sign me up to martial arts class first thing in the morning”

You just really can’t sleep. All of the new information, the uneasiness, the feeling of not being in control, it’s all so overwhelming to you. You’ve change position in your bed several times, yet nothing change. Call it paranoia or anything, but the horror of being not in control of your body just like in your dream always flash right before your eyes every time you close them. It feels like as soon as you let yourself fall into the dreamland, you’ll woke up having only your conscience yet not the physic.

Your hands are itching to call the very person that you know could bring some comfort or a little bit of peace into you, and yet, you don’t want to. One, because your ego is too big and you don’t want to seem like a kid just waking up from nightmare except that maybe your nightmares were real, and two, he might be asleep and you know how tiring it could get when you are leading a country.

And yet, your action betrayed your heart. You found yourself reaching for the phone on your bedside table. Dialing the very number you knew you’re gonna regret in the morning. But you can’t help it. You were exhausted. From the moment you got back from the hospital, you haven’t had the chance to have proper rest. Your body is begging you to give it some rest. You can only sighed at that.

As soon as the other line pick up, the immediate you feel the regret.

“Hello?” Baekhyun said from the other line. Sleepiness was laced in his voice. You felt so bad. Knowing Baekhyun, he probably going to tease you about it non stop. Just because he was sweet that time, doesn’t mean he won’t tease you and make a fool out of you when he got the chance using your very weakness.

“y/n?” Baekhyun called again, waking you up from your trance. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Uhm yes! I’m alright! It was accidental, I’m so sorry to woke you up, have a good night sir-“

“Is it about the nightmare?” he cut you off.

You fell silent. You can’t lie, you can’t bring yourself to. But here you are, blatantly lying. “Nope, absolutely no!” you said a little bit too enthusiastically than you’d like to. You mentally slapped your forehead. You knew very well Baekhyun could see through your lies. He was too observant as a person and you don’t think you like that.

“Okay, maybe it is because of that, but you know what? It’s childish, and it’s all in the past, and I know very well I’m pretty safe now, and-“

“Hey, it’s okay to be scared of it, it was a traumatic and scary event, I couldn’t blame you, I’d be shitting my pants if I were you” he said.

You chuckled. Of course he would. “You know what Baekhyun? Just go back to sleep, and I’ll go to sleep too” you said. For some reason, you had a smile on your face and you can’t erase it.

You then heard Baekhyun chuckled from the other line. You swore his chuckle sounds… adorable in your ears, but don’t tell anyone about that. “Good night, Lover” he said in a teasing tone.

You rolled your eyes. “Ugh, whatever sir” you said before hang up the call.

You sighed. You felt a little better and yet unsettled. You can’t help but fall into a deep thought. You remember screaming for the person who helped you to help your dad and yet, you can’t even remember your dad’s face. As long as you live, you only know that you live with your mother as her biggest disappointment, she said, and your dad left both of you since you were a child to marry another person. Clearly, that wasn’t the case.

You open your laptop. Deciding that the internet might answer your question. You didn’t know when was the incident happened, so obviously you can’t search for the date. So you search about bus incident, bus bombing, any incident that involved fire and bus. Not knowing the time, you got too lost into your research.

It’s been hours. Your eyes are burning, you were more than sure you had bags under your eyes, and your eyes were bloodshot red. You can feel another yawn come upon you. There were unsurprisingly so many bus incidents that involved fire. And searching for them one by one is exhausting.

Until an article took your interest. It was posted on a blog owned by someone with username called SheWhoDoJustice

“Terrorist Attack? Or A Psycho on the Loose?”

The article talked about several bus incidents, complete with photos from several scanned newspaper as it was from a long time ago. It was a pretty lengthy article, talking as detailed as possible, theories were made from concluding from the news the media reported and you think based on the owner’s own research.

A picture of a damaged bus though caught your attention. A pic that somehow rings a bell in you. And you had a feeling that the bus in the picture is the bus that was in your dream. On the bus was written “19104” on it. You thought it was probably the bus’ number.

You wrote down the details of the bus, the place where it occurred, and everything you need to dive deep into it, and then you bookmarked the site before you finally shut down your laptop.

Immediately, you dialed a number.

“Mina, I called in sick today”

You put on the simplest outfit. Outfits that doesn’t really caught anyone’s attention, so nothing flashy. Your watch on your wrist. A plain grey jacket hoodie with a white t-shirt inside it, a black colored cap, a black adidas legging, a pair of black nike air force one, and a small black backpack, enough to brought all of the things you need such as a bottle of water, some notes and pens, your wallet, phone, a power-bank, sunglasses, and some girls thing. You put on a light makeup and put your hair up. And then, you’re ready to go.

Not wanting to attract anyone’s attention, you wore the cap on. Because somewhere deep down inside, you knew if you didn’t wear one, some people would recognize you, and the thought of being on the internet could only cause shiver upon you remembering the last time you become a hot topic.

Calling in sick means you didn’t have neither Mina nor your chauffeur with you, not that you want to. Because for whatever mission you were on, you want to, or, you need to be alone. And thankfully, you went through the securities that was assigned to you just fine. And that makes you think that you really should tell them once you’ve done your thing.

You took the bus to the place you wrote down from the article. You chose the second row seat from the back near the window. As the bus took off, you enjoy the scenery that went before your eyes. It’s been so long since you can freely enjoy a scenery, something that you remind yourself you should do once it’s all over.

It took you around 2 hours bus ride to reach the destination. you gave the driver the money before you got off from the bus. Judging from the area, you discovered it was a rather countryside rather than a city.

You breathed in the fresh air. You realized that the fresh air came from how green the area was and the lack of motor transportation. The air was so fresh and it reminds you of some memory back when you were child and yet you can’t pinpoint what that is. But you paid it no mind, just wanting to enjoy the scenery for the time being.

You walked alongside the street, enjoying the fresh air and scenery for a short while. Before you finally remember why you came here again. Being here reminding you that you really need to take a vacation after you’re done.

Getting back on the mission, you start to ask around. Asking people, here and there about the town and the incident itself. Yet strangely, everyone seems to avoid the topic or avoid you when you brought up about it. You thought, perhaps they lost a a family member in the incident. So you tried to be as friendly as possible, in hope to gain their trust and make them let you in into the secret that this town held.

Back at the very capital of the country, where exactly is at your apartment. A panic Mina was seen pacing back and forth. Roughly opened the doors to every room of your apartment, screaming your name. The look of distressed was apparent in her eyes. She keep blinking the tears away, not wanting to break down now.

Her shaking hands reach down towards the phone in her pocket. Slowly bringing the device into her line of vision and dialing a number.

“S-sir?” she said into the phone, as her voice cracked.

“Miss y/l/n is not in her apartment”

Mina’s steps were quick as she walked into the president’s office. Her distressed could be felt by anyone who walk passed her. Her walk was unstable, contrast to her usually composed self. She opened the door to the office, revealing a seemingly distressed Baekhyun but she can’t really decipher it. Even if he was stressed, he definitely handling it better.

“Mina, you better have a good explanation to this” Baekhyun said, his voice dangerously low and intimidating. Different than his usual voice that oozing out his authority and dominant side.

“Sir, I really don’t. She called in sick, and I knew it was so different of her to called in sick because the y/n that I know is one stubborn ass that even in her deathbed, she would still chose work over her life” Mina explained. “So I came to her apartment, knowing something was weird, I saw her securities are all in place as it should be, and yet, she was nowhere to be seen in her apartment, I search all over the place, every nook of it, every gap, and she was… nowhere” she continued, feeling a little bit breathless.

Baekhyun fell into a deep thought. His phone continuously ringing yours and yet no answers. Every time it sent him to voicemail, he called again, and again. “Y/n… where could you be?” he mutters to himself.

Unbeknown to you, you were strolling around the area. Haven’t find out much. The thought of giving up seems so tempting, but you’ve come so far to giving up now. 2 hours long of bus ride was a pretty long ride, and it’s too early to give up.

And yet, for someone who seems so observant and quick witted, you didn’t caught the man in black outfits that continue to follow you through the dark.

After realizing where you could’ve been gone to, Baekhyun immediately ask his chauffeur and whoever he needs to do whatever they need to do to get reach of you. And yet at the same time, he didn’t want to alert the people of what’s going on. Knowing the panic it could create, and all of the questions that would come out afterwards, and every consequence. It was difficult, but it had to be done, and he put his everything to make it happened.

Because he knows. He know you could be in danger if he didn’t go to you immediately. He knows exactly the inevitable danger you could be facing on.

He only hopes they didn’t get hold of you yet. And he hopes, you were only gone to some fucking mall for all he cared, anything, but the place he thinks you were at.

A tap on shoulder caught you off guard. You immediately turn towards whoever tapped your back. Your eyes wide opened. The fear that somehow managed to put aside when you arrived, now making its come back in a very overwhelming way.

You couldn’t see the man’s eyes. He was covered in all black. He stands tall, towering over you, making you feel even smaller than you already had. He didn’t say anything. But if your intuition right, this man is just standing still looking at you. And if that doesn’t even make you feel creeped out more than you already are.

“Anything I can help you with?” you asked. Your voice was unstable, and you tried your best to hide the flaw in your voice, not wanting to let the man before you to detect the fear in you. But you knew you failed anyway. And yet the man stayed silent.

And suddenly, abruptly, he moved violently and covered your mouth with his glove covered hand, muffling your scream, his other arm was tightly wrapped around your smaller figure. He lifted you up, causing you to kicking the air, moving as many as you could, trying to let go of the man’s grasp. You keep screaming despite knowing no one will hear you anyway. The part of the area you were in was coincidentally quiet and almost empty. You gave up, letting your fate be chosen by the man.

“Y/n!” A voice shouted right at you. Your eyes shot open. You saw Baekhyun running right towards at you. Seeing him makes the fight in you come again. You thrashed around and screaming. You can feel the man tensing up. His composed composure was failing. You thrashed even harder, and you bite the man’s palm that covered your mouth. He let out a loud groan before he dropped you and run away.

Baekhyun immediately comes to your aid. He took you into his arms. Eyes frantically searching for yours. Look of relief, concern, fear, all were painted in his face.

“Y/n, are you okay? are you hurt anywhere?” he asked, eyes looking you up and down, searching for any wounds or bruises. But it all seems like a blur to you. All you can focus on is his very presence. Weakly, you put your arms around his neck. Pulling him in into an embrace. Your head comfortably snuggled into his shoulder, breathing him in. You can smell the cotton fragrance on him.

Baekhyun froze for a moment, feeling you embracing him. But he relaxed immediately, hugging you back tightly, and warmly. He closed his eyes, enjoying your presence just like you were with him He breathes in relief, knowing he was just in time. Thinking about the possibilities that could happened had he was a slight second late, makes him hug you even tighter than he already is, almost suffocating you in the process. And yet you enjoyed it. You enjoyed his warm embrace, knowing very well he keeps you grounded. He kissed your temple before he put his chin on top of your head as you snuggled into him.

“Let’s go home, yeah?”

[marvelxfam]

Every Little Voice✨

Part 5 (The Final Part!!)

Bucky x Reader

requested by: @thunderstormsandsugar

summary: you are a test subject for HYDRA. When you are sent on a mission as nothing more than a murderer, someone shows you the light.

warnings: mentions of weapons, violence, blood, killing, and cursing

authors note: this gif really has nothing to do with the story but the way he yeeted the motorcycle just makes me insane okay

IM PROUD OF THE ENDING YEAHHHH

Alexander Pierce was alive.

And he was coming for you and Bucky.

You blinked rapidly, your mouth struggling to form words. You leaned against one of the tables for support, finding it hard to look Bucky in the eye.

You thought you were a fool for ever believing you could fully escape HYDRA, knowing they would eventually come. You had said it yourself two years ago, crying when you first met Steve.

You weren’t going to cry anymore.

Even with the pain, the distant and dull thud of your heartbeat flooded your ears when you had to sit in those chairs and have your memory wiped, remembering every hit in the face when you were inches away from remembering something they didn’t want you to remember. Even when they forced you to kill and cause terror, and even when they tore Bucky away from you, you survived. You were done being afraid, because now, you had found yourself again.

And you were done hiding it.

Bucky had finally managed a normal breathing habit again as he watched you, lost in a far off land, surrounded in memories. Even in a state of distress, it amazed him how calm you were. That was the thing about you. Through it all these past two years, you had a quiet, collected strength that made you beautiful. And it wowed Bucky everyday, causing him to have to remember how to act when you walked in a room.

“If Pierce wants us, then that’s what we’ll give him.” You said firmly, ripping off your lab coat and dashing into another room. Bucky followed, watching as you grabbed a large loaded gun and stepped back into a normal pace alongside him.

“Are you sure you really want to do this, Y/N?” Bucky asked uneasily. It had been a while since you were in combat, and he knew how fighting was the last thing you wanted to do, even though you were more than capable of fighting off a couple guys at once.

You could sense the doubt in Bucky’s tone, knowing he had your best interest and didn’t want to see you fall after all of the work you had done trying to repair your life these past few years. A flicker of nervousness pinched at your chest, but you pressed your lips together firmly and sauntered off without Bucky.

“After all we had to deal with with HYDRA, we’re still here. And that’s for a reason. And if Pierce is here, waiting, then maybe this is the reason we made it through it all. So I’d really like to take him down, if you don’t mind.” You called out, hearing Bucky run to catch up with you. He chuckled, his heart soaring with how independent and daring you could be at times.

As the two of you made your way to the scene, you could already hear the gunshots and grunting of people as you made your way out of the compound and into the open. Steve had said they were planning a city’s fall, but really, you all knew they just wanted to end the Avengers. Before you could reach the outside, the two of you were running down one of the long, dimly lit corridors that apparently had shut down in emergency protocol.

Both of your guys’ footsteps came to a halt, looking for a way out with hardly enough light to see a path. It was like all of the cliche horror movies you had watched with Bucky on nights when the two of you got bored. You grumbled, silently cursing Tony for building this hallway with a dead end.

Then, the men poured into the area, about twenty HYDRA agents filing in behind their infamous leader, Alexander Pierce. The way he strode into the hall, a head held high and the sick scent of his cologne twisting your stomach into knots like it always had when he came to talk to you. Bucky hadn’t seen the man in years, but his jaw still clenched with hatred as he held a tighter grip on his gun. He shook for a second, trying to compose himself as he faced his biggest nightmare.

“Well, if it isn’t my soldiers,” Pierce spoke with a sickly sweet tone, faking the kindness with every word. “I’m glad you two met. You guys were quite the pair back then, and you’re just making this easier.” He shrugged carelessly. The soldiers behind him were armed. Unusually, not with guns, but other small knives.

The two of you eyed Pierce with intensity, specifically you staring at him boldly. He came closer, pausing between steps to observe you both.

“Back when The Winter Soldier failed his mission, I sent you, Soldier, to do what he couldn’t. You were stronger and had more abilities than I could count. You were everything HYDRA needed, a full body when we thought we only had the fist.” Pierce formed his own hand into one. “Then we hear news that you went off the grid as well. But you-you failed!” Pierce’s voice rose, pointing a finger at you.

“You failed your mission after everything we put inside of you, everything we gave you to make you who you are and you threw it all away for this. For him,” Alexander acknowledged Bucky, the word “him” being said with disgust. You couldn’t believe what you were hearing. Did he think you should’ve been thankful? Grateful for what they did to you? You shook your head subtly.

“So should I be giving you a thank-you card right now? Is that what you want after everything you did to Bucky and me?” You asked incredulously. You had never talked to Pierce before out of fear, but you couldn’t help the words that spilled out.

“You ripped me away from everyone and everything I knew, you slapped me and forced me to kill others, and made me forget what it was like to be considered a person. So why on earth should I be grateful for the crap you made us go through?” You screamed, the burdens that your body carried finally being lifted away. You had found your voice, and it wouldn’t be silenced any longer. Pierce was now standing just a foot away from the both of you, his eyes giving off a dangerous glint.

“You had a chance to change the world, to bring order into chaos where populations would thrive-“

You couldn’t stop yourself as you pulled out a punch sending Pierce falling to the ground.

“Damn.” Bucky whispered, wondering how you could still amaze him with a new feature of yourself everyday, even at a time like this.

Pierce covered his face as he struggled to find balance, eventually pulling himself up. He was steaming, the anger boiling to the brim. Alexander looked back and forth between you and his twenty soldiers, still clutching his nose to try to stop the blood. You could sense the fight that was brewing and prepared yourself, knowing what you had to do as Pierce walked to the back line of his troops.

“I love you,” you breathed out. Bucky’s stormy blue eyes widened with surprise, even though he wasn’t looking at you. “I know that this is really bad timing, but I just wanted to say that in case something happened-“

You cut yourself off when you felt Bucky reach for your hand and give it a gentle squeeze, eventually turning into a tight grip. Bucky smiled to himself, knowing he had to make it out of this fight for the ending he always wanted but never thought he could have.

“I was going to offer you a peace treaty, but now I’m just...mad.” Pierce shouted from the back. You slid your hand from Bucky’s and offered your gun to him as Bucky gave you a questionable look when he took the weapon from your hands.

“You’re going to need it.” You mouthed, extending your arms as you allowed the golden light to fill the space between, strength and energy coursing through you. Just like Wanda, you thought. Except, she was still better at it.

“Okay I’ve had enough of this. Kill them.” Pierce ordered.

And with that, the fight began.

The soldiers came charging as you did your best to fend them off, throwing orbs of light and moving small groups or individuals and throwing them out a glass window on the other far end of the hall, or crashing them into the ceiling. When a soldier got two close to Bucky you multitasked, throwing and creating a shield for Bucky. It didn’t take long for the number of troops to dwindle, with six of the best being the only ones left.

They knew every tactic and somehow knew your weak spots, punching until you stumbled back from such a hard force. Even though you couldn’t catch your breath and the familiar taste of blood withdrew your focus, you remained strong in the fight. Head butting one of the soldiers and using him to kick the other one, a move you learned from Natasha, they eventually collapsed on the ground.

Bucky gave you a quick glance, a look that said he could handle the other four as you raced over to Pierce. He had a pistol aimed and pulled the trigger. You caught the bullet inches before it came into contact with your shoulder using your powers and threw it back, missing Pierce. More shots fired but none of them hit a target as you managed to pry the gun from his hands, throwing it as far as you could. Then, Pierce was throwing his own punches, dodging with a speed you didn’t know he had. There were a few times you thought he had you down, but you always found a way out with a quick move. This was too easy, you said to yourself, turning around for just a second to check on Bucky. Why was this so-

An agonizing pain slashed through your right leg, causing you to fall to the ground. You clutched your calf, watching the blood slowly trickle to the ground. You tried to pull yourself up, but Pierce was fast, grazing your side near your rib cage with his knife. You grit your teeth, refusing to make a sound. The blistering pain that rang through your body made the world spin and voices became foggy. A sharp pain shot through your body when Pierce pinned you to the ground, his face inches from yours. You tried to ignore the intense throbbing by looking Pierce in the eyes, telling him you were not going to give up.

“You thought you could end me?” He said through gritted teeth of his own. His hot breath made your skin crawl, pulling your face away from the close contact. “You could’ve brought life to a new government. We could’ve ruled the world without all of the threats if you had been smart enough to listen. The only end you’re bringing is yours. You won’t kill me,” Pierce said slowly, the edge of his knife cutting into your chin.

The sounds of fighting in the background were nonexistent. A smirk played on your face as Pierce’s eyes filled with confusion. “You’re right. I won’t kill you.” You said casually.

“He will.”

You saved your last bit of strength and moved out of the way as the gunshots echoed in the dark hall. Bucky had been waiting for your signal, although it was unplanned.

“I’ve been waiting to do that.”

Bucky tossed his gun to the side and ran over to you, helping you get up as you struggled to walk. He spoke into his coms, asking for help in the hall. “We’re going to need a clean-up crew too,” Bucky said, his eyes drifting to the unconscious bodies on the floor. When he saw the gash in your leg and side, Bucky didn’t speak as he carried you out, rushing you to the lab where Bruce paced back and forth with anxiety etched into his features. His eyes fell on the both of you and immediately put you on a bed, readying his supplies for your wounds. Bruce worked quickly, cleaning and stitching as he talked to you softly, a relieved smile glowing on his face.

After Bruce was done, he let the two of you have the room to yourselves as he went out to look for the others. You motioned for Bucky to come sit next to you on the bed since he kept his distance while Bruce had been working and nervously twisted his hair. He sat at your bedside and took your hand in his, putting another hand over yours.

“So...you love me?” Bucky’s eyes sparkled with joy, a tearful smile widening on his lips. You grinned playfully. “I only said that in the moment because I thought we were going to die.”

Bucky’s face fell and he pulled his hand away. A cloud formed over his features as he cleared his throat. “Oh.”

A laugh burst out of you, rocking your entire body. Bucky stared at you in shock, laughing uneasily.

“Of course I meant it, Bucky! I really do love you,” you admitted, reaching out to put a gentle hand to his face. He warmed up under your touch.

The both of you had had voices in your minds, good, bad, and ugly ones. You had ignored the voice that said you had feelings, a love for each other that outweighed the torture and forgetful states. A voice inside both of you had brought you together, and every little voice gave the two of you perseverance to hold on. Together.

“Well, Y/N, I love you too.”

••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

YAYYYYY THE END!!

taglist: @darkphoenixrisingwrites @nerdypisces160 @littlepsychos-world @crybbysarahjane @bruisedfaye @s-trawberryv-eins @stuckyandsciencebros