#but jesus christ my mom knows nothing about physics jesus christ

[crescentmp3]

hiii we're home !!

[jovalencia]

everybody who has talked to me in the last 72 hours has experienced me on the verge of a breakdown and tbh I would feel bad but like. girl I’m not partying rn

[toxicanonymity]

The Wall (stepdad drabble)

1.5k | stepdad!Joel x f!reader | stepdad au SUMMARY: This ask about being at the pool. WARNINGS: I8+ drugs, possessive!joel, sexual tension, baiting, shotgunning, dirty talk, very risky touching in public, blue balls, hair pulling, mild manhandling?, mild degradation?, taunting use of "daddy" twice. A/N: Title is an album by Pink Floyd. Loose fit flashback before the holidays (old school SD). The latest present day is ✨It's Hard.

Joel hasn’t given in yet. So far, he’s fingered you in his office, but nothing more than that. Now both of you are going with your Mom on a work trip.  The trip is in driving distance, and Joel doesn’t realize you’re going until you show up at their house packed and ready to go that morning. He’s flustered, and overall none too pleased. You’re wearing him down. You can tell.  

You’re wearing a hoodie and short shorts. When you stop at a rest stop, your Mom goes to the bathroom and you and Joel get out of the car to stretch. You take your hoodie off, revealing a thin, low-cut tank top and no bra, then stretch with your hands behind your back. Joel tilts his head, watching you, eyes glued to your chest. 

He takes a deep breath and doesn’t even bother looking up at your face as he complains, “Havin’ fun with all this?”

“What are you talking about?” you smile. 

He scoffs. “You’re gonna be a pain in my ass all week, aren’t ya?” 

You cross your arms under your boobs, pushing them together. 

He adjusts himself and shakes his head. 

—

During your Mom’s first work event, Joel disappears. He walks off somewhere to get away from you and remove temptation. Meanwhile, there’s a group of skater guys at the hotel. Probably college students, a little younger than you. You find them in the lobby and they smell like weed. They offer you some and you tell them maybe later, but out of boredom you stick around with them and go to the hotel bar. While you’re there, they flirt with you and give you a joint. 

Joel gets back to the hotel and finds you in the bar with these guys all hitting on you. He can’t stand it. When he walks up, the scowl on his face delights you and offsets his festive Hawaiian shirt. 

“Let’s go,” he commands, nodding toward the exit. 

“Daddy,” you complain. His jaw clenches and his face blotches pink. Something comes over his eyes, and you can’t tell if the word has turned him on or just pissed him off. He steps forward and pushes through two of the guys. He grabs your arm, physically pulling you toward the exit. It makes you flutter between the legs. His grip doesn't loosen until you cross the lobby.

“What was that about?” he asks as he walks you down the hall, “Hmm?”

“What was what about?”

“You tryin’ to get gang banged, or what?” he grumbles. 

“You trying to turn me on?” you ask. “It’s working.” 

“Jesus Christ,” he mutters under his breath. 

When you’re close to the hotel room, your mom rounds the corner and you look at him to watch his face fall. 

“I’m going to the pool,” you announce, turning around to head the other direction. 

—---

It’s just after dusk and you’re in a pool chair scrolling your phone when Joel comes out. You’re wearing a bikini top and daisy dukes. You put your phone down and check him out. He’s in red swim trunks that are a little shorter than standard, and a gray shirt with a black line drawing on it. He takes off the shirt. 

“Okay, Hasselhoff,” you tease, checking out how his meaty thighs stretch the bright red shorts. “His suit was longer though.”

You pull out the joint and a lighter. 

“Hey,” he cautions nervously, looking around. “That better not be what it looks like.” 

You light it and he huffs. 

“I know you do it too,” you tell him. 

“You’re full of it,” he says. 

“Am I? You keep your stash in the drawer with my panties you stole.” 

That shuts him up. Wow, lucky guess. He’s silently flustered, and it turns you on. You take the joint with you and slip into the pool, feeling his eyes on you even as you’re turned the opposite direction. 

“Gettin’ in, Daddy?” you ask as you put your arms on the ledge and rest your chin on your hand. 

He warns, “Don’t fuckin’ call me that.” You laugh and he doubles down. “Don’t.” Sounds like you actually pissed him off. He takes his glasses off, then adjusts himself before he stands up, and it makes you tingle. You look around the deck as he gets into the pool. It’s just a few couples, and they’re wrapped up in each other. 

You’re both facing the wall of the pool with your arms on the ledge, faces turned toward each other. He’s to your left. You try to hand him the joint and he shakes his head no. 

“Worried we’ll get grounded?” you ask and he just barely smirks. “That’d be fun,” you add saucily.

“You are real fuckin’ trouble,” he murmurs, slow and loaded. It almost sounds like he’s daring you. You reach your foot over to brush the inside of his ankle, and he doesn’t scold you or pull away. 

He looks at the joint in your hand. You take a chance and bring it to his mouth. He briefly meets your eyes as he takes a puff and you can’t suppress your smile. Your eyes must have gone wide with joy. As he holds the smoke in his mouth, he looks like he's trying not to laugh, then it fades. His eyes fall to your mouth, then your bodies turn toward each other and he gets a little closer. His hand grazes your waist. You lean in, a few inches from his face. He leans ever so slightly toward you as he releases the smoke. Your mouths come closer and closer as you suck the smoke from his mouth. Your lips almost brush, and he abruptly pulls away as he finishes exhaling. “Fuck,” he mutters, then clears his throat. 

You close your eyes as you finish inhaling, and when you open them, he’s watching you, brow furrowed. It's silent for a few seconds and you hear the tiki bar closing up.  

You bring the arch of your foot back to his ankle and he lets you rub it. You're still facing each other. You come a little higher on his calf.  “If I didn’t know any better I'd think you almost kissed me,” you say. 

“No,” he chuckles. “You know better.”

“You wanted to,” you note. 

“‘Course I–” he stops himself and swallows. He lowers his voice. “--that’s not what I wanna do to ya.” 

“Yeah?” Your foot works up to his knee. 

He shakes his head. “I wanna stuff your mouth full’a cock like it should be.” 

“Mm,” you encourage.

“Shut you up for a few minutes while I fuck your face.” 

Your eyes drift to his pecs. 

“That’s not what ya want though, is it?” he asks. 

“It’s a good start,” you whisper, sliding your foot up to mid thigh. 

“You’re dyin’ to have your cunt stuffed.” 

You bite your lip and play coy. You take another drag of the joint but he declines. He palms himself under the water and your chest flutters. Your nipples get hard, and you feel yourself gushing. 

“I know how wet you are right now,” he says. 

“Feel for yourself,” you whisper. 

He reaches for your crotch but you pull back at the last second, unable to resist the opportunity to tease him. He shakes his head, plucks the joint out of your fingers and takes a short drag. He puts it down, and as he inhales the smoke in his mouth, he gets so close you can reach down and feel the thick silhouette in his shorts. When you squeeze his cock, it makes you twitch. You need him so bad. He pulls your hair, tilting your head so you’re looking up. His face hovers over yours for a moment with smoke slowly billowing out of his mouth. Then he blows it away to the side and lets go of your hair. 

“Oughta bend you over and fuck the brat outta you.” 

“Yeah,” you whisper and give his cock another squeeze against his thigh. “Maybe later?” You take your hand away and say, “I’m gonna order something to eat.” 

“Gotta be fuckin’ kidding me,” he mutters. 

“I have an extra room key,” you offer as you push yourself out of the pool. It’s an empty offer, mostly. The rooms connect. Too risky. 

“No,” he shakes his head. “Fuck no.” He’s slowly palming himself under the water, and you’re glad you brought a vibrator, because as soon as you get back to your room, you have some things to think about. Like the exact size and shape of his cock under your palm. 

“s’just talk, sweetheart.” He looks at your tits as you adjust your suit. “You know I’m not really gonna fuck you, right?” he asks, still slowly rubbing himself. 

“Keep telling yourself that,” you smile, hoping it’s not true. 

-----

-----

Thank you so much for reading and engaging 🖤 Love you guys. I still have another stepdad one shot planned back in present day, too.

These are normally night walks moves, so maybe check out the original night walks if you like this. In my header.

[pippin-katz]

I need a cast audiobook of RWRB. If no one else, then at least Taylor and Nick reading Alex and Henry. I need it in my life.

And in ACD fashion, here’s a few lists of lines/conversations from the book that I am desperate to hear them say. I want to hear them read all of the lines, but these are the ones that pop out to me!

Post Writing Note: These turned out to be way longer than I thought they were going to be 😭😂

Alex Lines:

Oh yeah, that was a wild night. Two whole keynote speakers. Nothing sexier than shrimp cocktails and an hour and a half of speeches on carbon emissions. - page 5

'Archnemesis' implies he's actually a rival to me on any level and not, you know, a stuck-up product of inbreeding who probably jerks off to photos of himself. - page 7

Jesus Christ, it’s like they can see into your soul. Cornbread knows my sins, Henry. Cornbread knows what I have done, and he is here to make me atone. - page 77

I always thought you’d kill me in a more personal way. Silk pillow over my face, slow and gentle suffocation. Just you and me. Sensual. - page 80

Shut up, shut all the way up, oh my God. - page 131

For fuck's sake, man, you just had my dick in your mouth, you can kiss me good-night. - page 145

What in the rich-white-people-sex-dungeon hell? - page 149

Bisexuality is truly a rich and complex tapestry. - page 194

Listen: I'll fly to London right now and pull you out of whatever pointless meeting you're in and make you admit how much you love it when I call you "baby". I'll take you apart with my teeth, sweetheart. - page 204

You don't get to sit up here and pretend like it's someone else's problem. None of us do. - page 209

i want to see a cage match between your grandmother and this fucking ghoul running against my mom. - page 221

I do think I got a gut feeling with you, I just didn't have what I needed in my head to understand it. But I kind of kept chasing it anyway, like I was just going blindly in a certain direction and hoping for the best. I guess that makes you the North Star? - page 244

Henry! Your Royal fucking Highness! - page 269

Really nice. Fuckin' ghost me for a week, make me stand in the rain like a brown John Cusack, and now you won't even talk to me. I'm really just having a great time here. I can see why y'all had to marry your fucking cousins. - page 270

I fucking love you, okay? Fuck, I swear. You don't make it fucking easy. But I'm in love with you. - page 271

I'll leave, as soon as you tell me to leave. - page 275

Okay, I'm into making history. - page 280

I completely fucking love you. - page 291

I'm there for whatever you decide you want to do, just, like, let me know if I need to start practicing gazing wistfully out the window, waiting for my love to return from the war. - page 296

AN INCOMPLETE LIST: THINGS I LOVE ABOUT HRH PRINCE HENRY OF WALES Note: just the entire list, I need it, but I'll point out some of the best ones anyway lol

9. How hard you try. 10. How hard you've always tried. 11. How determined you are to keep trying. - page 303

16. Your huge, generous, ridiculous, indestructible heart. 17. Your equally huge dick. 18. The face you just made when you read that last one. - page 303

20. The fact that you loved me all along. - page 303

God, I want to fight everyone who's ever hurt you, but it was me too, wasn't it? All that time. I'm so sorry. - page 303

Listen, I'm telling you right now, I will physically fight your grandmother myself if I have to, okay? And, like, she's old. I know I can take her. - page 312

You and me and history, remember? We're just gonna fucking fight. Because you're it, okay? I'm never gonna love anybody in the world like I love you. - page 312

Sería una mentira, porque no sería él. (It would be a lie, because it wouldn't be him.) - page 317

but i've kissed your mouth, that corner, that place it goes, so many times now. i've memorized it. topography on the map of you, a world i'm still charting. i know it. i added it to the key. here: inches to miles. i can multiply it out, read your latitude and longitude. recite your coordinates like la rosaria. - page 319

give yourself away sometimes, sweetheart. there's so much of you. - page 320

Zahra, you're my mean friend. - page 339

I've never... I haven't been through anything like that. But I've always felt it, in him. There's this side of him that's... unknowable. But the thing is, jumping off cliffs is kinda my thing. That's the choice. I love him, with all that, because of all that. On purpose. I love him on purpose. - page 344

For what it's worth, that is the bravest son of a bitch I've ever met. - page 347

My life is a cosmic joke and you're not a real person. - page 371

You are, the absolute worst idea I've ever had. - page 372

FIRST SON ALEXANDER CLAREMONT-DIAZ'S ADDRESS FROM THE WHITE HOUSE, OCTOBER 2, 2020 - pages 372-375 Note: just, the entire speech, the whole thing

America: He is my choice. - page 374

Henry Lines:

Hmm, I always liked Luke. He's brave and good, and he's the strongest Jedi of them all. I think Luke is proof that it doesn't matter where you come from or who your family is--you can always be great if you're true to yourself. - page 45

The turkeys are not going to Jurassic Park you. You’re not the bloke from Seinfeld. You’re Jeff Goldblum. Go to sleep. - page 82

You are the thistle in the tender and sensitive arse crack of my life. - page 73

fucking eyelashes - page 142

I shall just have to make it the best orgasm of your life. What can I do to make it good for you? Talk about American tax reform during the act? Have you got talking points? - page 196

How is a man to get anything done knowing Alex Claremont-Diaz is out there on the loose? - pages 202-203

They wanted something less fruity than the truth, but truly, what is gayer than a woman who languishes away in a crumbling mansion wearing her wedding gown every day of her life, for the drama? - page 205

Someone else's choice doesn't change who you are. - page 229

Most things are awful most of the time, but you're good. - page 230

The phrase "see attached bibliography" is the single sexiest thing you have ever written to me. - page 241

Should I tell you that when we're apart, your body comes back to me in dreams? That when I sleep, I see you, the dip of your waist, the freckle above your hip, and when I wake up in the morning, it feels like I've been with you, the phantom touch of your hand on the back of my neck fresh and not imagined? That I can feel your skin against mine, and it makes every bone in my body ache? That, for a few moments, I can hold my breath and be back there with you, in a dream, in a thousand rooms, nowhere at all? - page 242 Note: based on the parts of this we did get to hear Nick say in the film, I think this would kill half the fandom lol

When have I ever, since the first instant I touched you, pretended to be anything less than in love with you? - page 272

I never thought I'd be stood here faced with a choice I can't make, because I never... I never imagined you would love me back. - page 273

The Mail will write mad speculations about where I've gone, if I've offed myself or vanished to St. Kilda, but only you and I will know that I'm just sprawled in your bed, reading books and feeding myself profiteroles and making love to you endlessly until we both expire in a haze of chocolate sauce. It's how I'd want to go. - page 294

Here lies Prince Henry of Wales. He died as he lived: avoiding plans and sucking cock. - page 298

"Because I'm not like the rest of the men of this family, beginning with the fact that I am very deeply gay, Philip." - page 298

But the first time I saw you. Rio. I took that down to the gardens. I pressed it into the leaves of a silver maple and recited it to the Waterloo Vase. It didn't fit in any rooms. - page 300

I thought, this is the most incredible thing I have ever seen, and I had better keep it a safe distance away from me. I though, if someone like that ever loved me, it would set me on fire. - page 300

And then, inexplicably, you had the absolute audacity to love me back. - page 300 Note: I really wanted to just type out most of the page, but I restrained myself lmfao

I don't know if I would have chosen it yet, but it's out there now, and... I won't lie. Not about this. Not about you. - page 338

Bit short for a stormtrooper. - page 340

I've bloody well had it. I've sat about long enough letting you and Gran and the weight of the damned world keep me pinned, and I'm finished. I don't care. You can take your legacy and your decorum and you can shove it up your fucking arse, Philip. I'm done. - page 347

I've been as gay as a maypole since the day I came out of Mum, Philip. - page 353 Note: there's never too many times to hear the words "gay as a maypole" and the emotional infliction here is lot different lol

Both:

Am I offending you? Sorry I'm not obsessed with you like everyone else. I know that must be confusing for you. Do you know what? I think you are. Only a thought. Have you ever noticed I have never once approached you and have been exhaustingly civil every time we've spoken? Yet here you are, seeking me out again. Simply an observation. - page 18

This is idiotic. Let's get it over with. I'd rather be waterboarded. Your country could probably arrange that. Go fuck yourself. Hardly enough time. - pages 36-37 Note: yes, I know Nick read this part in his book-to-screen video thingy but it's not the same as having them both saying the lines fully in character.

What does Jedi have? Fuckin' Ewoks. Ewoks are iconic. Ewoks are stupid. - page 52

yo there's a bond marathon on and did you know your dad was a total babe I BEG YOU TO NOT - page 84

I'm going to die. I'm going to kill you. Yes, you are. - page 133

You were jealous. You want me. Yes, you preening arse, I've wanted you long enough that I won't have you tease me for another fucking second. - page 137

Hi. Hello. I'm gonna take your pants off now. Yes, good, carry on. - page 141

Ugh, you look ridiculous. Should I-- What? No, of course not, keep them on. Oh my God, what are you doing? I can't even look at you. No, Jesus, I just mean--I'm so mad at you. Just, come here. Fuck. I'm quite confused. Me fucking too. - page 150

I'm not... historically great at talking about things. Well, I wasn't historically great at blowjobs, but we all gotta learn and grow, sweetheart. - page 165

Bitch, you took me there. alskdjfadslfjad NORA YOU BROKE HIM - page 212

D'you know what I want? What? I want, to do the absolute last thing I'm supposed to be doing right now. Then tell me to do it, sweetheart. Fuck me. Well, when at Wimbledon. Just so we're clear, I'm about to have sex with you in this storage closet to spite your family. Like, that's what's happening? Right. Awesome, fucking' love doing things out of spite. - page 217 Note: I think this conversation could singlehandedly kill the fandom if we got to hear Taylor and Nick deliver these lines

Can't you ever just do one thing without having to be so goddamn extra about it? That is bloody rich coming from you. - pages 260-261

What do you want? I want you- Then fucking have me. -but I don't want this. - page 273

You seem... less pissy. You're one to talk. I wasn't the one who stormed the palace in a fit to call me an 'obtuse fucking asshole'. In my defense, you were an obtuse fucking asshole. - page 277

I honestly have never thought I deserved to choose. But you treat me like I do. You do. I think I'm actually starting to believe that. - page 279

What about you? What about me? Christ, Alex. The whole bloody time. The whole time? Since the Olympics. The Olympics? But that's, that's like- Yes, Alex, the day we met, nothing gets past you, does it? 'What about you,' he says, as if he doesn't know- Shut your mouth. - page 283-284

Hello, what was that for? I just, like, really love you. - page 286

What are you doing? I'm taking a picture of a national gay landmark. And also a statue. It's funny. I always thought of the whole things as the most unforgivable thing about me, but you act like it's one of the best. Oh, yeah. The top list of reason to love you goes brain, then dick, then imminent status as a revolutionary gay icon. You are quite literally Queen Victoria's worst nightmare. And that's why you love me. My god, you're right. All this time, I was just after the bloke who'd most infuriate my homophobic forebears. Ah, and we can't forget they were also racist. Certainly not. Next time we shall visit some of the George III pieces and see if they burst into flame. - page 289

If Alex from this time last year could see this. He'd say, 'Oh I'm in love with Henry? That must be why I'm such an arse to him all the time'. - page 387

[sonicattos]

Ok I apologize for how long this is but I read your post about npd and I have some thoughts I want to share. First, yeah that screenshot is gross and ableist. With ya on that. Making fun of someone for having a disorder is wrong, full stop. Also, I agree that it's wrong to call someone narcissistic just because they're abusive. Not all abusers are narcissists and vice versa.

HOWEVER. Many of the symptoms of clinical narcissism relate to how people interact with others. And the reason they are regarded as "symptoms" is because truly narcissistic folks relate to others in an abusive way. If people with narcissism did not typically display abusive and/or manipulative behavior they would have nothing to be diagnosed with.

I'm a victim of abuse by a narcissistic person. (Notice I don't say they have NPD. I'm not "armchair diagnosing for sympathy" here.) That person was not simply abusive for no reason. They were abusive BECAUSE they had narcissistic traits such as having little regard for others. I genuinely fail to see how saying this would be hateful or ableist. I can tell that you feel very passionate about this, but as someone who has been on the receiving end of abuse by a narcissistic person, I feel that your post is implying that this kind of abuse doesn't exist, or worse, that people who say they have suffered it are making it up. I know there are a LOT of people who throw around the term narcissist and don't know what they're talking about. But there are also people who truly have been abused by narcissists. And they're not lying for attention.

Don't feel pressured to respond and I apologize for the wall of text. I just have strong feelings about the subject and wanted to share.

1) please don’t take words from my mouth. i never. EVER. said that the abused are making up being abused. i come from a very abusive household that i STILL live in. my mom and my sister used to fucking beat me. i was starved. i was denied any medical help for illness. im isolated. i was groomed into believing that i was more mature than i was and wasn’t treated with the care a child could have. i was and still am constantly told how useless i am and how my mental/physical issues are my fault. my parents never cared and only did things that benefit themselves. i would never deny that someone could hurt someone and i never had. jesus fucking christ.

2) i study psychology. i know i can’t just prove that by saying it but you have to take my word for it i genuinely look deep into this stuff, as it’s a special interest of mine. you come from a place of ignorance of the situation as a whole. never call someone with “narcissistic traits” (aka abusive traits) a narcissist. it’s a medical term. again. call it what it is: abuse. there are other ways to describe that abuse than labeling it as such. narcissism is supposed to be a neutral term to describe traits of npd, not how someone is acting.

3) no. you don’t have to be abusive to be diagnosed with npd. there are many symptoms and tendencies that come with the disorder and it’s also a spectrum just like any other disorder.

npd describes a disorder of someone who has an inflated self-importance. besides putting others down to lift themselves up, they can also try to lift themselves up in a way that’s unrealistic or may seem “prideful”, try getting other’s attention by doing something good or dramatic. narcissism comes from a place of abuse from their elders, either emotional neglect or lack of teaching of responsibility. it affects those who lack empathy or even other mental illness’, which again, doesn’t mean you are an abuser or a bad person.

how would they get diagnosed? perhaps they’re hurting themselves. maybe they have constant breakdowns for not getting attention. etc. a dramatic event of abuse doesn’t have to happen for a psychologist to figure out someone has npd.

4) the entire point of the post is to tell fucking people to stop using a word that they learned on the internet and didn’t look up what it meant maybe besides the fucking saneist articles vilifying narcissistic people instead of educating one what the disorder actually is.

people with npd deserve sympathy as much as any other person. they deserve help and awareness as well. narcissism isn’t a word to pass around like table salt. it’s a real thing that people suffer with. they’re hurt. they believe if they don’t do something that they’re not worth anything. yes a lot of them become abusers because people who are abusive have most likely been abused. but not every person who’s been abused is abusive.

[poognthebrainbois]

Rant/vent about current denial spiral under the cut - some context first: (*extremely brief mention of abuse/SA, medical history mention)

Had a fight with my mom about why I "still think it's DID." There were a lotta layers to that conversation, including:

- My (our) experiences don't line up with all the "research" she's done about DID

- according to her, co-consciousness doesn't exist and "you would have no idea there's another person [controlling your body], you can't be 'standing behind, watching.'"

- she doesn't trust anecdotal/personal experience of actual systems because "that's just people on the internet making up whatever they want"(paraphrase)

- she had also never heard of OSDD before. Even though she claimed she knows all about the DSM-5.

(medical trauma/history mention)

- I was never *physically abused or SA'd, therefore I don't have trauma. (She doesn't believe in emotional/verbal abuse, and all my *medical trauma/history was during/right after my birth (I was born 10 weeks early, had a surgery while in the NICU) so it doesn't count [I can't disagree with that])

(Might make a separate vent post about what we consider possible trauma that she "doesn't count")

- she told me "it sounds like you found something and stuck to it" (paraphrase) (meaning I learned about DID and just decided that was my problem.)

- made the same sweeping generalizations as always about my entire generation "wanting to be different" and "wanting to have something wrong [with us]"

(Again, I could make a separate vent post about what she says during literally every argument)

- told me (us) to "stop saying 'we' for Christ's sake!" (We will not.)

- she decided I (we) need to bring her "actual sources" of why I (we) believe it's DID/OSDD.

Which meant to us that we were gonna stay up all night doing extensive research.

Or that was the plan, before the denial set in.

(Recreation of Denial spiral below, just to throw it out to the void and be able to come back to it later to disprove I guess?? Could be triggering (lots of repetitive phrases, disbelief of trauma, derealization/depersonalization, there's a lot in here.)

What if she's right and I'm not a system? What if it's not DID or OSDD and I'm just desperate to make it into something? What if I actually don't have trauma and I'm secretly an endo??? (Any headmate tries to talk to me) You're not real, shut up. Why did I do this to myself? I ruined my life over something that's not even happening! Why did I let it get this far? Why am I still perpetuating this if it's not true?? It was never a problem until I did weed and "opened doors" that was just weed! I'm making up trauma that's not real! I want so bad to be traumatized so I can feel justified to be mad at my parents when really I'm just an entitled little bitch who's never had anything happen to them and needs to pretend they're worse off than they are! She has real trauma! She's actually been through real abuse and they've never done anything to me other than yell and that doesn't mean anything and I'm just a crybaby for being scared of getting yelled at they never actually threaten me (why do you remember the "I'll give you something to cry about" threat/phrase then???) and I cried over nothing all the time for no reason and I've just always been afraid of nothing. I can't believe I'm actually sitting here thinking about doing all this research just to prove a point?? Just to prove her wrong? That doesn't mean anything! That's not a good reason! I shouldn't even bother. This is a waste of my time. I should just tell her she's right and move on. It's not DID and (Losing my train of thought trying to write this, Jesus) I've just convinced myself it is but it's not. I've made it out to be more than it is so they'll care and that didn't work anyway. I can't believe this is happening right now. There's no way I got this far. That all of this really happened over nothing. They were just characters in my head! Why did I ever start believing more than that when I don't have trauma! Nothing that bad has ever happened to me and all these thoughts that keep coming up are fake and even if some of this stuff was trauma it wasn't in my childhood so it's not relevant. I spend too much time on the internet and I shouldn't just believe all of this stuff. What do I think I'm actually "relating" too? I should've just left it at Maladaptive Daydreaming and been fine. I've made everything worse for myself. There was a reason I stopped doing research on DID years ago! 'Cause I don't have trauma and I can't sit here and pretend I do. Why am I doing this?

(Etc etc etc. Front changed while writing this. I've been in co the whole time but Parker needed to step back for their own comfortability.)

We went back n forth for a while about a bunch of this stuff. Had a number of headmates hop in co-front just to prove a point, only for Parker to continue to tell them they're not real and it's "all me and I'm faking" bro you are at that point proving a point to yourself but okay.

Anyway, eventually Kiara took front and started on research anyway. We were up til 5am. Didn't finish but marked all our tabs so we could go back and finish it up the next day (yesterday). Did not get back to it yesterday 'Cause Parker got anxious.

We now have a deadline to present this shit. We've got a psych appointment tomorrow morning and Mom's leaving on Thursday to visit a friend. So we should get to it today. But they're really not ready for that conversation. Unfortunately we (Lio) told our psychiatrist that we might actually get to that conversation with our parents before our next appointment so now Parker feels like we have to. And if we don't then they'll be anxious about it the entire time Mom's gone which is also not productive.

There's a worry that if any of the rest of us try to explain it then it won't be taken seriously because we're not them. This whole situation is exhausting. We weren't planning on trying to have this conversation yet and now we're so rushed and there's a lot more pressure.

In any case, there's a chance we'll post an update if/when it happens.

If you've read this far, any kind of support would be appreciated. <3

-❤️

[valyalyon]

August, 2023

CW: Domestic violence, verbal and physical abuse, brief descriptive details of sexual violence. Minors DNI.

August 1, 2023. 9:00pm.

I’m a mom, now! I feel overjoyed, exhausted, and entirely overwhelmed by love. His name is Theo, and he’s just 2 hours old. I’m staring at him in the bassinet. He’s so sweet… My soul feels light for once. I always wondered if it was possible to feel this happy and free.

Harvey’s been hanging around, typical Harvey fashion he only wants to be around for the “important” windows of time. Not because he considered them important, but because he knew other people would be there and he wanted to save face. Anyway, he left 5 minutes after the nurses left the room, 10 minutes after the birth of our son.

I think he went back home. I don’t care.

I have Theo, and nothing matters. Love is a bond forged through shared experiences, and Theo had been mine long before his birth, and before mine.

August 4, 2023.

Back home with Harvey and Theo. Theo is still melting my heart with every second. I’ve been breastfeeding and staying up with him, making sure he’s clean and taken care of. He latches onto me easily, and hasn’t given me any issues. I don’t know why I’m so lucky, but I love him endlessly.

Harvey might not be the most emotional, but he is always financially taking care of us, and making sure I don’t have to work again until I’m ready. I’ve been working since I was 15, and while I have a full time job now, I’ve had 2-3 jobs at a time, for years. I’m just saying I’m tired.

Getting to spend this time with Theo, without having to worry about working to pay bills? It’s nice.

August 11, 2023.

I had been heating up pre-packaged meals for Harvey and I since I returned from the hospital, since I didn’t have the energy to stand in the kitchen and cook, and since Harvey absolutely refused to cook. On our 1 year wedding anniversary, 10 days after the birth of our son while I still hadn’t recovered, I decided to spend a little extra time to make him a fresh meal.

It took me a little longer than it would have if I was healed, but by the time he arrived home, the food was ready for him and I served it to him.

I walked to his side and kissed him, “Happy anniversary, Harvey… Thank you for everything you do for Theo and I.”

“Is this really what you fucking made?”

“What? You… you said you like this.”

“Jesus fucking Christ, are you stupid? Just because I like it, doesn’t mean I want it. Get me one of the packaged steaks or something,” his voice was getting louder, “hurry the fuck up!”

I quickly turned and started to get the packaged meal out of the fridge. I guess I wasn’t moving fast enough, because when I turned to walk to the microwave, I heard him get out of the chair violently causing it to screech against the floor.

“Harvey?”

He hit me right across the face. It was just a slap, but it was hard, “you’re fucking useless aren’t you?”

“I’m sorry,” I quivered in response, trying to get past him to microwave his meal for him.

He grabbed me and shoved me hard into the counters. He then grabbed my hair and threw me onto the ground. He picked up the food and put it in the microwave. He stood there waiting for it to finish, “stay on the ground, bitch. You don’t deserve to get up.”

August 30, 2023.

The second time that he beat me, he did it until I blacked out. A combination of punches, slaps, shoves… I don’t know, I disassociated during the beating.

When I came to after the black out, he was above me. He was inside of me.

“Harvey… We had to wait 8 weeks… Please, stop… You’re going to hurt me,” I was whimpering, the pain was already happening.

He put his hand over my mouth, and continued, even as the pain got worse for me, and I began to scream under him. Once he was finished, he pulled out and left to clean himself, leaving me to sit up.

I was laying on our bed, in a puddle of blood from what he had just done to me.

August 31, 2023.

Harvey held me and Theo in his arms today… he cried and apologized for the night before. I can’t leave him, Theo and I need him.

I keep seeing my bloody face in the reflection of Harvey’s eyes, above me — but I know I can’t go anywhere. This is the home I have created.

Note from Valya

Definitely one of the darker posts I’ve had to write for this story. Still, I hope it was a nice read and that D’s motivation to keep her family together was clear. See below for more of Dreams, Ink and Embers.

DIE MASTER LIST OR #LYONDIE

[angeltreasure]

I know we shouldn’t doubt God’s creation but I think I might be a mistake. I am not beautiful or handsome, with very dark skin (the only non-white in my class), physical ailments, mental illness, not very smart, and behind all my peers (I am in school but the oldest in my grade from repeating). Not many people talk to me and others look down on me. Idk why because I am always kind and I listen well but that isn’t enough to make friends or have people be less mean to me :( Am I a mistake? If He is real and cared He wouldn’t have made a person like me 😔 My mom says I am her blessing but I don’t think anyone but her feels I should exist… idk who to pray to or what about. Can you help?

You are not a mistake.

You are beautiful or handsome.

Skin color simply by science, reflects how much melanin we have present in our skin. Some people have more, some have less, some even have a mixture! Skin color has nothing to do with how human you are. Very dark skin is beautiful. You are made in the image of God just like me (a person who has fair skin that can tan a lot, sprinkled with freckles and patches of hyperpigmentation).

Don’t worry about living up to the standards of others for peer pressure. The real secret to success is to treat every single person you see as Jesus. Let your light shine.

God is real and He liked the idea of you so much before time existed that He wrote a book of days for you. He told your own guardian angel to care for you and made them wait until the year you were born, the year in God’s perfect timing.

You can’t choose your family or friends, classmates or enemies, but you can pray for them.

Your mom is right. You are a blessing, no matter the color of your skin or how fast you achieve grade levels. Listen to her.

No where in the Bible will you see that God loves you more or less because of your skin color. See what the Bible really says about you:

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us for adoption to sonship through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace that he lavished on us. With all wisdom and understanding, he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.

- Ephesians 1:3-10

You can pray to God in direct prayer or you can ask someone to pray for you so they can send the prayer up to God by intercessory prayer. You asking me to pray for you is a great example of intercessory prayer! I’ll keep you in my prayers! Remember, you are loved.

[redwineconversation]

Lyon - Fleury Coupe de France Postgame Thoughts

Should I put this under a read more? Probably. Will I? No.

This game was an absolutely preview of what is going to happen in the fucking playoffs: a shitty ref, blatant missed calls, teams parking the bus, it goes to penalties, Lyon loses on penalties.

I hope this, too, confirms that Lyon desperately needs to get rid of Bompastor, and desperately needs to get rid of the deadweight that is Marozsan. Arguably one of her worse performances of the season, and there have been a lot of them.

It's not really fair to blame the midfield, because I do think that Dabritz was one of the better players of the game. Damaris was, well, Damaris - she got fouled, tried to her job. It wasn't a standout performance from her, but it was more or less what I expected from her.

Marozsan also performed as expected, and by that I mean she was absolutely godawful. I do not understand how her fans keep defending her mediocre performance after mediocre performance. Is she a quality player? Sure. Is she technical? Sure is. But Jesus Christ she no longer has the level to be anywhere near this Lyon side, not if they want to win games. Not when actual physical effort / intensity is required.

Sit her ass on the bench, sell her, use her as a warm body in practice, I don't care. She just no longer has the level, and you can make a genuine argument she doesn't have the will either, to perform at this level. She just doesn't. The sooner everyone comes to term with that reality the better.

Majri didn't really do much of anything either way. Nothing stood out, nothing made me recoil in horror. She was obviously pissed at being subbed out but alas when the intention was to win in regular time... You wanted players who would actually push forward.

Hegerberg getting subbed 20 minutes in was annoying, partly because our offense is so blatantly stagnant without her, and partly because that should have been a red card to the goalkeeper. This goes back to what I said at the beginning - it was a shitty ref with blatant missed calls. The game probably would have been different if Fleury's starting goalkeeper had been sent off. She wasn't, she made the necessary saves, Lyon lost. It is what it is.

Bacha was either on, or she was way off, and there wasn't really an in between. It's frustrating when she's like that, switched on only in fleeting moments.

Defense was what it was, didn't really stand out either way. It'll be nice to have Gilles back if only for the height on corners; likewise, we were very obviously missing Renard on the field. @mom please come back, the kids aren't the same without you. Contrary to the wrong opinions of some, Sombath is a better center back than she is right back, and is better suited when she actually plays in her natural position. A novel concept for those who don't expect Lyon to win games, but again, here we are.

Carpenter I thought was rusty with Diani and better with Cascarino, but I think that just comes down to having a better connection with Cascarino than she does Diani simply because she has played with Cascarino for longer.

Van de Donk did what was expected of her, I do wonder if the game had been different had the No. 10 been played by a player who actually cared if the ball was won back. Again, we'll never know, what's done is done. I'd say this should serve as a wakeup call to Bompastor that van de Donk should have that starting spot for games Lyon actually wants to win, but knowing Bompastor, we're going to see Becho as a 10 next week purely because she lives to disappoint me.

So that's the player recap, let's talk about the game itself. Lyon didn't play well until probably the 85th minute, when they accepted it was going to go to penalties and they didn't want that to happen. Why it took them 85 minutes to wake up, lord only knows, but we can blame Bompastor's coaching regardless.

My stance on Bompastor is this: I think she has to go, I think she will go, and my main concern is that we will get Bompastor 2.0. I do not want to have to go through another coach whose main philosophy is to "give young academy players a chance" instead of recruiting players who understand what it takes to win the UWCL. You can't have it both ways. Either you want the best players or you want to be a club who allows its academy players to express themselves, if it's the latter, then they will not be a UWCL competitive team.

Academy players weren't on the field today, but it's still something I want to rip into for Bompastor so we're going to talk about it. If you want to win the UWCL then you have to recruit players capable of doing so. If you want to win competitive games, you have to have players who are capable of doing so. The fact of the matter is there are a considerable amount of players on Lyon's current roster who have no business being there. That they are is simply because Bompastor believes in giving academy players a chance, instead of focusing on maintaining Lyon's position in Europe.

Will Lyon even be playing in Europe next season? This game showed that there's a real probability that Lyon could not make the UWCL next season, despite being 21 (!!!!) points ahead of the 4th place team. The fucking playoffs are so detrimental.

Because we saw what happened today: a team just needs to park the bus, have a shitty ref who misses blatant calls, and let it get to penalties where it becomes a roll of the dice. With a little bit of luck Lyon will actually have its reliable penalty takers back come playoffs, but that's a whole other conversation. Were Fleury really the better team? No, they weren't. But they converted their penalties whereas Lyon didn't, so they're in the final of the Coupe de France and Lyon is not. It's extremely concerning that this conversation could happen again in a couple of months.

I don't think the argument that playoffs "make the league more competitive" can be done in good faith. You can point to the NWSL and be like "it's a competitive league! Anyone can win up until the last day!" But it's also a closed league with zero consequences. A team can fail to make the playoffs in the NWSL and absolutely nothing affects them for the following season. A team can win the NWSL and they get a bonus and a trophy. Doesn't mean anything for the next season either.

You can't make that same argument for the D1 Arkema when the UWCL is at play. There will be genuine consequences if Lyon fails to make the UWCL next season, not least an exodus of players who will make what is happening with Wolfsburg a walk in the park. There are obvious financial repercussions as well as recruitment. Top players interested in trophies want to play in the UWCL. They're not going to sign for a team whose pitch is "well, fingers crossed we can make it next season. Please sign?"

If you're going to do the fucking playoffs, do it for a tournament where it doesn't matter what happens for the next season. Otherwise you get the scenario we just saw.

TL:DR - #BompastorOUT and Marozsan is awful. Fuck the playoffs. I hate losing.

[sonny-whorezik]

the thought of anyone touching me as lovingly and as gentle as they have makes me nauseous. it takes a lot to accept physical touch from anyone , i barely let my mom hug me and i dont even live with her or see her anymore . to think of anyone taking the role of intimacy in my life makes me so , so upset and uncomfortable . i have no interest in anyone , nor do i wish to pursue people . i tried bumble friends when i moved and i cant tolerate most people , id find myself bored and disinterested . i was so, so so sure i was to spend a lifetime with them , convinced and wrote a story and would bookmark rings in case . all gone , likely for good , and i have no clue how long it will take to want to start again with someone new , i doubt i ever will , at least for many years . and ive felt so alone for so long and my lifestyle wont change because of this , we've barely talked since november and i go out , eat , drive , sleep alone and have for a long time now . primarily influenced by long distance and i just sit and think now "i shouldve just sacrificed and moved back to the desert." even though i cant stand the heat , id at least be able to love and be loved in return . not that i havent been , but how i wish i could . eat breakfast together , go to parks and ride bikes together , drive around together , share a bed together . we've spent about 5 weeks together out of the entire year and i feel like im starving . its selfish to feel all i feel i know this , yet it isnt going away . it just ended . i dont know how long this will last but i know i will forever til the end of my life mourn and grieve and be downright fucking sick to my stomach that there was nothing i couldve done , nothing to salvage , i gave it my all yet here i am wishing i could do more . im supposed to wake up in 35 minutes and ive been up since 2:30 i think . im so . so tired . i want nothing more than to be held , which i have thought about since our visit ended in november , bringing up the fact if i have to one day be held by someone else , i dont think i can do it . no time soon whatsoever but jesus christ i Just want to be held

[lovemesomesurveys]

Have you ever been hurt by a narcissist? Yes. I found out I had been used and played by him the whole time. He used his charm and complete BS to get me interested even though he wasn’t that interested in me. He figured I’d be easy to manipulate and I’d be there for his convenience until he decided he was done. Despite me expressing how I felt, including the hurt, which took a shit ton for me to do, it was clear he didn’t really care. He didn’t get it. He didn’t understand what the big deal was. All he thought about was himself and didn’t consider who he was hurting in the process. 

What does forgiveness mean to you? This reminds me of that movie, “Just Friends”, where Anna Farris’ character is a singer and has a song that goes, “forgiveness is more than saying sorry”, and yeah I agree. But as far as me doing the act of forgiving, I tend to forgive and give out many chances. I never forget, though.  

Have you forgiven everyone who's wronged you? No.

What's your favorite thing to do at sunrise? I’m generally asleep. 

How are you celebrating Earth Day this year? I don’t do anything on Earth Day.

What is God teaching you right now? I know He’s been using these past several years, especially this past year, to teach me a lot. I have many things to work on and things I needed my eyes open to. I think He’s also been building our relationship. I admittedly have been distant and fallen off track, but I really want to get back. 

What does Notre Dame Cathedral mean to you, and how has its fire affected you? I don’t have a connection to it. 

Are you prophetic? No.

What is something you miss from your past? So many things. My childhood, especially. 

Are you beating yourself up about a stupid decision you made? Oh hunny, only all the time.  

What's the last dumb decision you made that you beat yourself up over? Ugh, but there’s so many. Definitely the stupid decisions I made and the decisions I never made at all and just ignored instead. 

What's your favorite version of the Bible to read? If applicable, do you underline verses in your Bible? The NIV.

When was the last time you went to church? I haven’t physically been to one since 2016. I had been attending the livestreams, thought, for awhile. I slacked off this past year and I’m actually really upset about it it’s something I need to change soon.

Do you surrender to Christ every morning? I need to start my mornings talking to Jesus. 

What's the last song you listened to on repeat? The new Barbie song with Nicki Minaj. 

Have you ever smoked weed, and if yes, did you like it? Yeah and yes. I stopped doing any of that stuff back In 2013 and only got back into it a few months ago. I wanted to try it and see if it’d help the health related issues I have, especially anxiety. I will say my method of choice is the tablets. 

Do you have any big regrets in your past? I have many big regrets. 

If you've ever talked to a counselor, did it help? Mehhh, a little but honestly not much. I really didn’t feel I gained much from it. Granted, that was my first counselor and I know it can take multiple times to find the right fit for you. Perhaps I should look again. Does your town's hospital have a good reputation? Yeah.

What is your hometown known for? Nothing good. My city is shit.

What is your hometown's symbol? --

Who do you miss from your past? I miss several people from my past.

Are you longing for and missing a toxic person? Not anymore.

What's your greatest longing? Ugh, to get better and be able to get out of this damn bed and actually go somewhere. I need a vacationnnnn.

Have you ever read a Bible verse and thought, "this isn't true"? If so, what do you do when that happens? No.

What are you behind on? Life.

Is there someone who's stolen from you and never got caught? I don’t think so.

Do you wish you could talk about spiritual things with someone? No.

When was the last time you had a deep conversation with someone? My mom and I have a lot of those.

How long has it been since you weren't lonely? I’m not physically lonely too much, it’s more so emotionally I guess. Just being stuck in my own damn head all the time.

Have you been lonely for most of your life? I’ve definitely felt that way.

What color is your sleeping bag? I don’t have a sleeping bag.

When was the last time you used a sleeping bag, and what for? I used one we used to have one winter when it was shockingly super duper cold. It was wild and I loved it.

Do you prefer to sleep under the stars or in a tent? I prefer to sleep inside on my bed.

Do you live near the woods? No.

What do you want to be for Halloween this year? List 1-3 ideas. I don’t dress up for Halloween anymore. I stopped doing that years ago.

List five things people have been jealous of you for. Uh, nothing???

List five things you have felt jealous of other people for. I mean, I feel envy for those who appear to be happy and in decent health and are able to take fun trips all the time and have a fun social life. I don’t have any of that and yeah, it’d definitely be nice. 

Do you start to feel jealous of someone after they've hurt you? I don’t think so.

Does your astrological sign match up to your personality? No. I’m so opposite of a Leo.

Which bugs do you hate the most? ALL BUGS.

What is your favorite shade of brown? Coffee brown.

Do people tell you you look sick when you wear a certain color? If yes, what color? No, just based on my overall appearance in general. 

Do you find yourself exhausted much of the time? All of the time.

Do you find that people call you lazy, even though you're always exhausted? I call myself lazy even though I know I have things getting in the way and making it much harder to do things and I don’t have the energy or motivation to do them.

What color is your toilet seat? White

Would you rather live in an apartment or a house? A house.

What's one thing you had growing up that you miss now? I miss being a kid and just playing Barbies for hours and hours, no cares in the world. 

List three ways in which you are a hippie. I’m not.

Do you prefer kale, lettuce, or spinach? Spinach.

[moon-ursidae]

SESSION #11: THE FINAL SESSION (also super fucking long holy shit)

spoilers for both tlou games and the HBO show below!!

we’re in the double digits and i’m essentially on the rat king’s doorstep shitting my fucking jorts begging for my mom lmao

as always, notes and ramblings of a madperson as i play are below!

total playtime: about 9 hours!

picking back up w abby in this hotel

surely nothing will go wrong

it’s only a hotel in a last of us game

i hate this

i fucking hate this

i hate being on my own

THE WAY I GENUINELY YELLED AT THE STALKER RUNNING BY THE DOOR

i fucking hate this building.

holy shit.

i’m yelling everytime one of them busts outta the walls

what the fuck

BLOATER???

AAAHHHHHH

i agree w lev:

“fuck this building”

hotels are just bad

I LOVE LEV

NOOOOOO NOT THE HOSPITAL PLEASE

NAAUURRRRR THE HOSPITAL

NO.

NO.

I DON’T WANT IT.

i feel ill

i feel physically ill

i’m so anxious

MISSOURI COIN WOOO

THESE TATTLETALE BITCHES

FUCK YA’LL

“wE rAdIoEd iSaAc” fuck you

thaaaat’s why she was in the cell earlier

NORA

“they’re rough.” UNDERSTATEMENT OF THE CENTURY

I DON’T WANT TO GO DOWN THERE MAN

GROUND ZERO FOR THE WHOLE CITY?????

i fucking hate this.

i hate it i hate it i hate it

WAIT SO IF THE GENERATOR DIDN’T TURN ON THIS FUCKER WOULDN’T HAVE WOKEN UP???????

i fucking hate it here.

this is the hotel basement of this game

i’m looking at the ambulance.

i don’t want to go in.

i feel physically fucking ill i’m so serious

i’m going fuck it

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I DID IT.

shit my pants but here we are!

LEV THANK GOD I MISSED YOU SO DEARLY

awe this is like the first game in pittsburgh!

they’re joel and ellie now :,)

LEV AND ALICE OH MY GOD😭😭

this is so sweet 🥺

OH MY GOOOOOD i wanna hug lev so hard

shaking the fucking shit out of this snowglobe is giving me more enjoyment than i have experienced in a while

owen makes me feel gross dude

like the mother to his child is in the same building where he’s like basically begging abby to go to santa barbara and be with him

LEV?!!!

JUST FUCKING LEFT?!!

“get your priorities straight.” TEEEAAAAA

KANSAS COIN

i can’t imagine climbing w one arm

god ocean so scary

i fucking hate it

oh shit gunfire

TOMMYYYYYY

HE’S A DAMN GOOD SHOT THAT’S WHAT’S UP

DAMN HE GOT MY ASS

SHOTGUN RIGHT IN THE HEAD DAMN

tommy’s fucking scary

i also hate playing as abby and going for the miller boys

this is 2 for 2 bro

NOOOOOO

MANNY WAS THE ONLY ONE I LIKED OF THE SALT LAKE CREW OTHER THAN ABBY

NOOOOOOO

YEAAAA TOMMY LET’S GO

i know he’s fine but i still got scared

this island is fuckin sick

literally my aesthetic i fucking love it goddamn

this shit is gonna be intense isn’t it?

STEALTH AGAINST PEOPLE I MISSED THIS HOLY SHIT

the sound design is so fucking good

the storm sounds so fuckin cool holy shit

god i love stealthing in the cornfield

LEV😭

i love him so much.

this is so fucking eerie holy shit

the storm sounds so fucking cool

omg they did the horse tactic like they did w ellie and dina earlier

YARA. I SWEAR TO GOD.

abby’s so real for beating the absolute fucking shit out of this guy

the way lev is telling her to get up😭

fuck isaac what a fucking bitch

ARE YOU JOKING???? THE WAY THEY ALL SHOT HER????

WAS IT NECESSARY TO EMPTY THEIR FUCKING CLIPS ON HER????? A CHILD???? THAT WAS ALREADY SHOT IN A LETHAL AREA????? FUCK THESE MOTHERFUCKERS

jesus christ.

“you’re my people!” 😭😭😭😭😭😭

god i’m really comin around to abby

STEALTH WOOOOOO

wait that was the first time abby killed wolves holy shit

damn

OH MY GOD??

THE ISLAND IS JUST ON FUCKING FIRE??

this looks fuckin cool

omg this is so crazy seraphites vs wolves

oh my god

OH MY GOD?!!!

RIDING THROUGH THIS LITERAL WAR ZONE???

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

the kids screaming :(

THIS IS INSANE

THIS BIG BITCH?!!

MY FUCKING BAG GODDAMNIT

THIS GUY WON’T QUIT

HE’S LIKE MICHAEL MEYERS JESUS CHRIST

can we get a near death experience counter for abby for the past 2 days in seattle bc holy fucking shit

holy fuck.

abby’s been through the fucking ringer holy fuck

ALICE :,(

fuck bro

abby just went through the entirety of the fucking seraphite island to come back to her friends dead oh my god

ellie i love ya but jesus fucking christ

the blood under the door :(

give laura bailey all the awards oh my god

oh my god the look in abby’s eyes

oh fuck ellie fight

oh god i hate this

i don’t wanna go after my girls :(

this feels so wrong to me. fuck

FUCK tommy’s talkin about how he got a necklace for maria rn and jesse and ellie are havin their lil bro talk FUUUUCK DUDE

i feel so conflicted bro

i’m gonna cry at hearing and seeing ellie again

THE WAY YOU COULD HEAR HER SAY JESSE BEHIND THE BAR :(((((

TOMMY?!!!!! HELLO?!!!!

i can’t do this man

i love ellie too much bro

i cannot

i’m also so terrified of her

THIS IS SO SCARY

THIS HURTS ME BRO

ELLIE’S FACE

AS I’M CHOKING HER

UUUUGGHHHHHH

SHE’S CRAFTING AND SETTING TRAPS HOLY FUCK

THIS IS SO SCARYYYYYYY

OH MY GOD BROKE ELLIE’S ARM?!!!

DINA?!!!!

I CANNOT DO THIS BRO

I KEEP PAUSING EVERY 5 SECONDS

MY GIRLS

MY TEAM JACKSON WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

LEV SAYING ABBY AND THEN SHE STOPPED

THIS IS SO PARALLEL TO JOEL AND ELLIE IT’S LIKE W HENRY AND SAM WHERE JOEL WAS GONNA SHOOT HENRY BUT THEN PUT THE GUN DOWN AFTER ELLIE WAS LIKE “joel” FUUUUCK BRO

MY BABIES😭

the lighting tho

ellie’s in the red lighting and dina’s in the white light?? so good

THE HOUSE!!!!!

LOOKING AT JOEL’S WATCH😭😭😭😭

god jj looks so much like jesse holy fuck

THE MUSEUM PAMPHLET AND THE CASETTE FUCK OFF

THERE’S SCULPTURES AND STUFF FROM JOEL’S HOUSE

dina into embroidery slay

THE CHILD SPEAKS?!

this is gorgeous.

oh my god.

i have the goofiest lil smile on my face

they’re so domestic🥹

dancing in the kitchen😭

THE TEXAS MAGNET ON THE FRIDGE😭

is that joel’s fucking hat… on the scarecrow

THEY HAVE SHEEP OH MY FUCKING GOD JESUS CHRIST

GOOOODDDDDD this hits so much harder after the show

the flashback😭

the way he keeps screamin uuugh i’m cryinnnnng

dina trying to lighten the mood 😭

god i love them

this is ellie’s best outfit

oh god tommy

everyone’s so cozy please

like ellie please don’t leave this bro

i feel bad for tommy but at the same time i’m so pissed at him for bringin this to ellie

side note: ellie looks fucking great

guilt tripping her like bro

“what a joke.” fuck off actually

goddamnit ellie don’t go

fuuuck

THE GUITAR😭

I FORGOT ABOUT THIS FLASHBACK

I’M GONNA CRY

dina’s putting on a show for ellie bro

this is making my lil lgbt heart so happy

THIS IS WHAT ELLIE WAS JUST PLAYING ON GUITAR AHHHHHH

YESSSS LESBIANSSS WOOOOOO

JOELLLLLL

the way joel was absolutely watching ellie bc he hopped in so fucking fast😭

he looked so hurt and embarrassed after she said she doesn’t need his help😭

SHE’S WEARING HIS JACKET😭😭

poor dina bro goddamnit

this is so fucking sad bro

back to lev and abby wooooo

“you’re such a goober” CRYYYIIINNNGGG

abby sounds so soft🥺

LMAO “scooch” when lev couldn’t push the shelves

who’s on the radio?

no one apparently uh oh

THAT’S FUCKIN LIAM O’BRIEN AHHHHHH

oh damn the fireflies are buildin back up

OH FUCK AMBUSH

LEV JUST GOT FUCKIN DOMED BRO HOLY SHIT

omg that’s travis willingham!

she cares about lev so much dude :(

back to ellie!

i’m so concerned about them getting sunburnt

oh i’m about to READ ellie’s journal

i haven’t played as ellie in so fucking long holy shit i missed her

the one about her burying the 2 kids :(

abby’s notes to owen :(

LEV’S SHARK PLUSHIE AHHHHHHH

i’m not a beach person but this is gorgeous

god i’ve missed playing as ellie so much

CARD!!!! OH MY GOD

2 SHAMBLERS???

“i swear to god abby. if these infected killed you..” she’d be dead ellie

the revenge is eating you alive ellie you gotta stop bro

oh fuck the trap oh fuck oh shit oh fuck

OH FUCK STABBED BY THE TREE

if she loses her knife forever i’m gonna be so fucking upset

poor ellie bro :(

oh my god all the blood

god she’s so hooked on revenge holy shit

it’s travis willingham!

and logic!

LMAO i love ellie

fuck she’s hot

her smirk bc she fuckin knows she’s not gonna turn lmao

thank god she stitched herself up holy shit

ohhhh so these “rattlers” are basically hunters from the first game

roger roger

god i’ve missed placing traps

i get why my ellie was placing traps everywhere lmao

hooooly fuck that’s a shit ton of prisoners

i fully did not expect to finish this game tonight but here we are

oh shit from this note it seems like there may be people coming to attack the rattlers?

or that was the group that was just marched in…

fuck.

fuuuck bro they chain up infected people? goddamn

these people are fuckin crazy

there’s music playing?

i almost missed a fucking card holy shit

jesus christ there are so fucking many of them

is that matt mercer? the guy that told ellie where abby is? (update: it was!)

the way she keeps whispering abby to herself :(

god the fucking chaos of the prisoners escaping and fighting juxtaposed with the way ellie is walking in silence and in isolation

she’s really lookin worse for wear :(

holy shit it’s on fucking fire

holy fuck.

these people are fucking sadistic

lev on the pillar UUUGGHHHH

abby :(

god she looks awful :(

oh my god :(

they really are like joel and ellie and i think ellie’s starting to see that :(

i’m just thinking how the fuck did ellie make it back to the house

OH MY GOD THE BOAT FROM THE MENUUUUUUUUU

THEY WERE TELLING US THE WHOLE TIME

fuuuck that cut to joel on the ground :(

the way the score came in FUCK

this is so painful bc it’s so brutal

knife is the only weapon

the grunts and groans of pain bc their bodies are so weak

the emotion in the screaming

give these women every award holy fuck

HER FINGERS OH MY GOD NOOOO

oh my god.

this is fucking insane.

the cut to joel :(

fuck.

her worst fear came true

she’s alone

the house is so empty :(

she left all of ellie’s stuff😭

she can’t play guitar 😭

she’s not even singing the words fuuuck bro

i’m a goner

i’m gone

i’m already a teary mess

fuck i’m not ready for the porch scene

i’m not prepared

HE’S PLAYING HELPLESSLY HOPING

HOW MANY NIGHTS WAS HE HELPLESSLY HOPING THAT ELLIE WOULD FUCKING FORGIVE HIM UUUUGGHHHHHHHH

the way he wants to defend himself as to why he’s being so protective but he know that it would piss her off more so he just says “okay.”😭

he wants to know more about what’s going on bc clearly they’re not as close so he’s taking what he can get😭😭

he’s trying so hard to extend branches bro

i’m a sobbing mess

“my life would have fucking mattered” ELLIE YOU ALREADY MATTERED BEFORE BABES AND JOEL SAW THAT AND HE RECOGNIZED THAT AND HE LOVES YOU SO MUCH HE KNEW THAT THERE WAS A CHANCE IT REALLY WOULD NOT HAVE MATTERED SO HE DECIDED TO SAVE HIS WORLD AND MAKE IT TO WHERE HE KNEW YOU WOULD HAVE A LIFE WHERE YOUR LIFE DID MATTER ELLIE GODDAMNIT

AND HE WOULD FUCKING DO IT AGAIN

OVER AND OVER

EVERY TIME HE WOULD CHOOSE YOU ELLIE

FUUUUCK

his shaky breath after she said she doesn’t think she could forgive him😭

and the one after she says she’d like to try😭

THE SHAKY “yep.” PLEASE😭

god and now her leaving the guitar by THE window

signifying how she’s ready to start moving on and really healing from his death. god.

and the final shot being through the window, the guitar in the foreground and ellie walking away in the background. UUUGH.

oh my god.

what a fucking game. holy shit.

i’m a goddamn mess. it’s 6am. i need a cigarette and a drink. holy fucking shit.

that was fucking crazy and so good and so scary and so beautiful

goddamn

i cannot put coherent thoughts together bc i can barely see my fucking phone screen

i genuinely did not think that i would play this game or finish it but holy fuck i’m so glad i did

such amazing storytelling in these games.

goddamn.

everyone at naughty dog that worked on this game deserves so many awards goddamn.

WAYFARING STRANGER FINISHING THE CREDITS RRRAAAHHHHHHHHHHH

the boat.

oh my god.

fucking amazing game.

i need time to recover.

i’m gonna go cry and listen to and make playlists :,)

[why-am-i-here-someone-save-me]

This is a random story about a group project of screaming that just happened like 5 min ago.

WARNING: SWEARING A LOT OF EM

For more context here are my friends that I'll refer to as:

T

the tomboy of the group. Chaotic and loud friend but is really friendly. Oh- also meme material

C

Calm and collected. Not exactly the mom friend but they hang out every now and then. Also REALLY good at art

G

The good friend. they always make sheets and explain to us about the subject. Help with subject that we struggle with (looking at YOU history and meth- math)

R

The one that roasted everyone lmao- ok it's more of an insult than a roast but idk what to call them but yeah they're pretty cool

And me UP :D

The....one that somehow gets into this group...? Idk what to describe myself.

This is basically how the conversation goes lol-

UP: ok-who will write? Cuz my handwriting is shit-

T: hey-

UP: NO

T: :(

R: UP got a point. T handwriting is not a doctor but a FUCKING SNAKE-

T: UP R is bullying me again-

C: ok Shut up. R you'll write most of the assignment. And T... You'll write SOME of it.

G:I'll help :D wait did you bring the book? Y'ALL BRING NOTHING HERE?

UP: I got the book the highlighter the pencils-

So T and R got to write while G told them what to write and me and C 'decorate' it

R: UP YOU'RE COVERING THE DAMN BOOK-

UP: IM SORRY-

C: UP Your flowers is so fucking weird-

UP: IM SORRY-

*next page*

C: UP STOP FUCKING DRAW STARS YOUR ART SKILL IS SHIT JUST SIT THERE LIKE A CABBAGE

R:T WTF? JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE BI DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T DRAW A STRAIGHT LINE- (ok I made that one up sorry if this offend you)

T: IM SORRY-

R:YOU ******** GO SUCK A **** *****

The teacher behind us: ....what-

It's a disaster.

Ok now for the genshin related stuff-

T: doesn't have a genshin account but they're a SIMP

C: have an account but kinda abandon It- ar 14 I think? They like chongyun and call yae ears the chicken neck thing- I forgot English

G: my genshin buddy. Likes all the cute stuff. Main kokomi keqing yae but mostly kokomi currently building shogun.

R: doesn't have a genshin account cuz potato phone.

But imagine if instead of 1 creator. There's 5? And we are just like power rangers or something lol-

R: who is confused about wtf is going on

T: who is simping for zhongli and ayato

G: who asks for kokomi signature and (tries to) touch gorou tail

C: who is hugging qiqi but have no idea about how the world works

Lastly: me who is showing venti how jumping off a cliff is faster than gliding-

If imposter au we would definitely be dead why?

Only 2 of the group knows most of genshin knowledge

We're noisy AF

archons vs humans who can run faster?

W e a k.

This is the order of who can survive the least to the most imposter au.

UP

2 words medical condition. I won't say much but walking is hard. (And copium that my friendship lv is enough)

T

Noisy and because of their friendly nature. They might not survive

G

Physically weak but can use genshin knowledge

R

Although survival instinct is important. The lack of genshin knowledge is fatal flaw

C

Knows a bit of genshin and is the strongest of all of us.

Btw this is not a request lol just a random thought. But if you want to write about it you have my permission lol- ( even if you do how do u name them? I just give you random letters)

And yeah that's it.

…Jesus Christ that was one hell of a trip just to read 0-0

[rorytelling]

Here's how my day has gone so far

Accidentally drink too much caffeine and can't sleep. Gage, who destroyed his dog bed earlier is crying because sleeping on a blanket isn't luxurious enough for him, so I let him sleep on my bed. Except he gets so excited that he's on the bed that he starts trying to play instead of sleeping (he can't jump on the bed by himself so he's not usually up there). So now I really can't sleep.

So I'm tired.

I take Gage for his first walk. He poops in someone's yard and I realize I'm out of poop bags, so we go back home, grab some, and go back the way we came so I can go pick it up, because I'm polite.

Tiny little girl walking a normal sized pitbull with three legs steps out onto the sidewalk from their driveway in front of us.

Pitbull obviously runs towards us and rips the leash out of the little girl's hands.

I mentally prepare for a dog fight because I've never seen this dog in my life and don't know what he's like and I have ✨trauma✨. I have no idea what I'm gonna do if this dog attacks my dog. Am I mentally prepared to kick a dog in front of his 5 year old owner? Probably not. Am I emotionally capable of kicking a dog at all even if it's to protect my puppy? I really don't know. Would it even help? I don't know!There's a decently sized man blowing grass off the sidewalk a few feet behind me so he can help? Maybe?? All this is flashing through my panicked mind in the second it takes this dog to close the distance between us.

Pitbull starts sniffing Gage normally. Okay, phew. Okay. Jesus fucking Christ. This is fine. We're fine. I could cry.

Little girl is yelling "get away from my dog! That's my dog!" As if I'm the one who caused this.

I tell her it's okay because she's 5 and hand the leash back to her as if that's going to help anything. He immediately escapes again, the girl screams in that really high pitched, piercing "ah!" way that little girls do, which makes both dogs more excited excited. So they're both sniffing each other but also doing that thing where they're weaving through each other and I'm getting tangled in Gage's leash.

I'm standing there like, "okay, they're both friendly but what do I do about this." I can't walk away because the girl is not strong enough to hold the leash, so I can't escape him. Leafblower man is just standing there as bewildered as I am. I was expecting a parent to run up and apologize but it's been long enough that now I'm assuming this is just a tiny child and her big dog out in the world by themselves. Do I just stand here on the sidewalk forever? And hope the pitbull gets bored and goes home of his own volition???

Girl's mom finally shows up like a full minute after the initial dog escape and yells "MAJOR" walks up and is like "don't worry he won't do anything to him" yeah that's great. It's a little late for that revelation. Doesn't grab his leash or anything, just stands there and stares at him. Then goes "EW he's licking his peepee!" YOU ARE A GROWN WOMAN.

I'm like "????" The little girl is screaming every time they make a sudden movement. The mom is yelling at Major like he's the one doing anything wrong at this particular moment. I'm terrified Major is going to suddenly decide we wants to kill Gage because Gage isn't neutered yet and sometimes male dogs get weird about that, and again I have ✨trauma✨but even if I didn't that's a totally reasonable thing to be worried about. Why isn't this woman even 1% concerned?

The mom FINALLY picks up the leash, and the girl whines "I WANNA HOLD ITTTTT" Kid. You physically cannot.

The mom SCREAMS at the little girl "I'M HOLDING IT". Okay, bitch. It not her fault she doesn't understand that she's not strong enough to hold it. This whole situation is YOUR fault. Why were you letting your 5 year old walk the dog that much further ahead of you in the first place? You don't have to scream at her.

I LEAVE. Gage, classic fraidy cat when it comes to bigger dogs, surprisingly is acting like nothing happened. I give him a treat.

I turn down the next street and can still hear the kid screaming periodically a block away. This poor dog. I pick up Gage's poop from earlier.

We're so lucky Major was friendly because it's so easy for that situation to go badly. If Gage had been hurt I don't have a car to drive him to the emergency vet.

I'd end this with a "keep your fucking dog on a leash!" But really the moral of this story is "don't attatch that leash to a child with the grip strength of Scotch tape and maybe have a little bit more urgency when your dog is loose next to a busy road even if he's not actively running into traffic" Dog owners, man.

I'm so tired.

[trulygracious]

My dad is an extremely aggravating man. I have a lot of poor connections with the people who are around me thanks to that man. I don’t even want to have a physical acknowledgement of his existence because of the things that he has done to me. I have a really poor relationship with him but it’s not just that. I really have no relationship with him. I just talk to him and he talks to me and we don’t connect. He’s really shit at connecting with other people. He’s one of those people who makes you feel like you need to connect with him and get him, but in order to do that you need to act in a certain way or think about specific things which he can take advantage of. He’s sort of mechanical in that sense; he tries to have control over everything and anyone who gets in the way of that control gets told to fuck off. He throws hissy fits because he can’t get the things he’s supposed to get out of things or if you get mad or anything. He escalates the situation but never does if you never pose your issues despite them existing. I guess that’s why I’m immature and have a hard time admitting my problems; he kind of quells it down to, if he has a problem and can’t describe it, he’ll bring it down to a million other things and threaten to gut you. I guess that’s because he has power over me with the money and everything. But the strange part of that too is that his money is a fiddle; he has nothing over me if I just stay silent. It’s a very weird relationship ship or dynamic and I try to ignore him as much as I can because he makes me very emotional but that’s proving to leak itself into everything else I do with any degree of physicality, i.e., everything. It makes me very emotional to deal with him and I don’t even know where to start. He hurts me a lot throwing threats out and stuff. I guess I have to be okay with there being a disconnect between me and him because nothing I say can get through to him. It’s very annoying and stuff. I want to have a connection with him. I think something about him trying to care about me when my mom died had something negative to do with how I see things regarding him. I would like to care about him. I see a lot of good sentiment and a lot of heritage in him too. But I also see him constantly trying to do me harm or disrupt me or just not care about the things I say. It’s hard to look at him. I hate looking at him. It reminds me of when I looked at him when he was beating me. He just stopped beating me because I started to kick him back. I’m not gonna just let him fuck around and hurt me anymore. What a complicated dynamics process, jesus christ. He was very annoying for it. He would always just yell at me whenever I’d look at him. Whenever he’d acknowledge whenever I was in the room he’d say things to me or attempt to get a reaction out of me. But I wanted no part in this. I kind of hated him a lot for a long time. He just doesn’t get what he’s doing to me. He thinks I have no idea what I’m doing. He has no idea what I’m doing. I think he has very little actual idea of what I’m doing. You know, I could just tell him. And he could listen and learn and figure it out and not be so dumb. But he seems to be really stupid about actually extrapolating anything genuinely, like, important about the situation we’re in. He can’t seem to learn or do anything new or important or etc. and it’s quite annoying and/or frustrating and he can’t get any of the details right. It’s his fault if he fucks everything he had up or over. What a dickhead. I dunno. He refuses to take any responsibility for any of this stuff we’re in or even think about it- or anything- competently or with some degree of knowledge or anything without just goofing everything up all the time. I hope he’s scared. When he dies. I hope he’s scared of everything and I’m not there to comfort him. I hope he dies alone and afraid and I’m not there to help him. Because he cannot admit to being a good person. He can’t do it. Nothing crosses his mind with any degree of knowledge or respect. He deserved to have his wife die. And now, he will die too. Usele

less and alone and not listening to anything, like the little child he once was.

You know, the problem I have with this resentment is that nothing I say here, going in this way, here or now, is going to solve anything important for me. I still need to figure out how I’m supposed to act around him and how I’m supposed to incorporate the fact that someone like him exists in my life. He really hurt me a lot, and I’m even too scared to stare at him in the eyes, even now. His yelling or even the threat of it grips my ribcage and frightens me. He never had anything good to say about me, ever. Nothing that really mattered, anyways. He always just congratulated me about things that he thought were important to congratulate me about- you know, default things. Doing a good job at something. But every time he would say those things it just. Rubbed it into my head a little bit more that he didn’t actually know anything properly about me that he could like. Genuinely grasp or anything like that. Like, as if raising me was some kind of automated task. You do this, you do that, bam! Good kid. Except I’m not a good kid. I’m a fucked up rabbit with a heart and strong teeth, and some kind of a yeast infection and perhaps diabetes. I guess it makes sense considering he had it too; and now I probably have it. I guess I wouldn’t be surprised. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did have it. He yell at me for doing things against his own ideas about the world. He kind of categorizes things into group things and then explains them out in a way that’s not helpful to me at all. If I yell back at him about things he tends to group that into the “I’m getting yelled at and can’t do anything about it” category and lights everything up and assumes I’m just trying to get back at him and everything about me not him and it’s like he gets, like, really personal about it and gets all angry. So he’s like, 0-100 about his threats and like presumed actions. He just threatens things if I don’t properly agree with him. What a dick, again. I’m not going to listen to you. But you’re also not going to do anything to punish me. But also if I outwork you or outthink you I just feel stupid because I have so much control over a situation that feels utterly pointless because I’m going to get the same outcome I wanted anyways… well, actually that’s not true, because I want him to connect with me and share opinions with me and learn with me and properly educate me and he can’t do that with me just yet. You know, so I can’t end up connecting with him well. But I can definitely connect with him a little bit if I connect with him at his level. Which is just kind of him taking advantage of me and him being dumb as shit. He’s kind of insanely aggravating for that, I think. What a dumb little idiot, that man. Aggravating is his middle name. He can compromise with other people which I like. But he refuses to do it with me. It’s most important you can do that with me or my brother so that I can live a life I actually enjoy and so can my brother. But instead, he’s just a dick to me and just expects nothing to happen to me or him. Which just isn’t the case at all. He’s a big dick for that. I fucking hate my dad for that, you know. He’s such a fucking penis bro. Fuck my life man. I want him to actually have a useful opinion for me and actually listen to me so I can live my life without him on my back and in my ear. He can just go suffer on his own, the fucking panzy. Pansy? Panzy sounds better but it’s getting redlined. Whatever, panzy. He’s a panzy. A dickhead made out of sugar fairydust and anvils on strings above doorways. What are my choices, then? To deal with my aggravating, annoying, pest of a father and deal with him all the time? I guess my answer for a long time has been, “Fuck that” because I can just rely on his money and not make a big deal out of things. I guess it’s kind of horrifying for me to realize I’m all alone, on my own, and kind of just dealing with whatever my dad wanted makes everything super hard and annoying. And I’m scared of the world. One of those things I’ve always been too afraid of dealing with or thinking about or interacting with- i

n the real world- on a very personal level was realizing how to tackle the world on my own with no one’s help. I guess it’s one of those things that just… really scared me, you know? Because I’ve had this fear, deep down, since I was maybe six years old that I’d have to take real control over my life and realize everything about it and work super hard and get super scared. But… I guess my answer to that now is that, I don’t really have to do that now. I can just… you know, figure my own life out competently and enjoy my surroundings a little bit. I was so scared of doing all of that hard work because of my parents. My mom wasn’t exactly all that far off from what my dad is today, but I guess she wasn’t nearly as bad as my dad is now. She was just similar in ability to scale up threatening demands and not exactly be pleasing or rational or really very nice or competent towards me and my brother. What a stupid little kid, that was, my mom. Christ. You know, I really wished my mom would be a better person than she was. I guess she had her issues, too. I guess it takes some issues to date someone like my dad competently and get out of it. Freedom of expression was not exactly encouraged without a messy helping-hand of adoration that was quickly outsmarted out of me. I couldn’t argue why it was wrong. If I argued it would get escalated. Escalations don’t get me what I want? but I realized if I lied I would just get into the habit of lying about everything, and I guess being a loser is better than being a liar, in many ways. Like, look at my brother. He’s a liar and a loser now, too. A loser who lies a lot and no one is happy about it, or him, and he does nothing with himself or anything. What a nice guy, but… fuck man, what a kid. What a dork. He should have done so much more with himself. Nevermind. Anyways, my dad couldn’t reach a conclusion with me I could genuinely be satisfied with. Young me was terrified by the idea of making up my own opinions about the universe and going out there and reaching for so much so quickly, because I couldn’t get the things I wanted out of the world.

Feb 23 2024

[pangchou-vent]

on health

putting behind a keep reading for discussions of ableism and fatphobia (in both day-to-day life and in the medical system). also discussion of mortality related to congenital health issues, if that's a sensitive topic you may want to avoid this.

a recent video by imani/crutches & spice on tiktok has been making me think lately.

in it, she talks about the irony of fatphobes being concerned for her health, jokingly asking "do the years off my life stack?"

i came out the womb with medical issues. to put it lightly, i've got fucked up kidneys. always had 'em, have them right now, and will have them later. kidney failure is a question of when, not if. i'm constantly passing kidney stones, and, over the years, it stacks up to kidney disease as your kidneys get more and more damaged. we never knew the root cause, and treatment helped but did not completely eliminate kidney stones, nor progressive kidney damage. i do try to eat a diet minimal in trigger foods (e.g. low salt, low meat) but like, there's only so much it can do at the end of the day, and it's not really my goal to lose weight with the dietary choices as to literally stop my kidneys from getting progressively worse. it's like i'm digging my feet in the ground to try and stop the speeding train, solely using a rope attached to it.

anyways, specifically about the video. it made me think of something that happened when i was a kid.

another kid was making fun of me and said "my mom's a nurse and she said you're going to die young." i respond, "how did she know about my kidney problems?" the face she gave back was of pure horror, since that's not what she intended. i didn't realize until years later what she was trying to get at. that i was fat and that was going to kill me. as if it is suddenly okay to torment someone with their early death if they are fat, but not if it's another organ in their body. that only some kinds of early deaths are tragic.

so i just find it really ironic when so much of the conversation about fatphobia is centered around health. i've never been healthy. i'm never going to be healthy. i am probably going to die young for one reason or another. i'm never going to be athletic--i literally need to breathe more just to exist. i'm extremely limited in what i can physically do. it's not to say that i'm not physically active, but there are serious upper limits that i cannot broach, even with regular training, because i literally cannot breathe to keep up. all of this can be true if im 90 or 900 pounds. it doesn't matter.

and even just how it stacks on with pcos. i can't take metformin because of my kidneys (my kidneys cannot remove it at the normal pace, so i end up giving myself metformin poisoning). as a result, i just have to rawdog the insulin resistance and health impacts of that. and then it gets to the chicken or the egg, if gaining weight led to the insulin resistance or the other way around. i had insulin resistance issues as a kid (requiring hospitalization for extremely low blood sugar oop) so who knows. maybe it's just how it was always going to be.

and honestly at the end of this all, what's the most aggravating is the change in response to my fatness once this information is revealed. as if suddenly now it's 'okay' that i'm fat, but people who don't know that context will still think i'm a 'fat lazy slob' devoid of any humanity. and even still, it's not going to change some people's perception, as clearly fatness is solely a decision that people make for reasons that have nothing to do with internal or external factors, and every single fat person can clearly just make lifestyle changes to stop being fat. that it is not out of reach for anyone, or that it is a moral imperative that that is always your goal.

i suppose all of this is just to say that ableism and fatphobia are so intertwined, they both feed into each other in sometimes paradoxical ways. and it drives me nuts. just let me live the rest of my life in peace, jesus christ.