#but lately ive been struggling with a very specific issue. and i have no idea how to seek out support w it

[eternally-tired-cryptid]

.....i need to get therapy again

[itsaspectrumcomic]

hi im really sorry to bother you, and obvs you dont need to answer this at all im just some internet guy lol but do you think i could get some advice?

so ive been diagnosed with autism for like, 5 years (was diagnosed p late, in comparison to others) and im beginning to have some real goddamn big suspicions that i Also have adhd (because. yaknow. the gift that keeps on giving yk? lol). i have a lot of really major issues with executive dysfunction that is directly impacting schoolwork and also a lot of stuff in my life, generally. ive also got a lot of memory issues nd junk

and the thing is; ive got a therapist, but due to a whole slew of things im really scared to like, bring this up with her yk? and, like, im a minor so i cant exactly just seek it out myself yk? and i cant really talk to my parents about it because my mom is a very specific kind of vaguely ableist and my dad generally just isnt involved with that whole section of my being, yk? like, he doesnt manage any of my therapy, aside from bringing me to appointments when my mother isnt available.

and like, ive brought certain things UP to my therapist before and it went mostly ok, aside from one pretty distressing misunderstanding but it feels different for this one because i really do need medication for this, i feel. and thats a whole thing with my mother specifically, since at the start of the whole diagnosis process she outright refused the idea of medication and like. idk man, im so super sorry to write a whole bullshit essay when you're literally just vibing but yk. idk who else to ask lol, and you seem like you know what youre doing i guess?

real sorry. thanks in advance. insert other applicable signoff message here

I'm sorry you're struggling with this. Your therapist should be someone you can talk to about things like this but I understand being anxious about it. Are you afraid to bring it up because she's said ableist/anti-adhd stuff in the past or you have reason to suspect she won't help? If that's the case I really recommend trying to get a different therapist if you can. You deserve a therapist you feel safe sharing things like this with.

If it's impacting schoolwork it might be worth talking to your teachers to see if there's any additional support you can get from them. You don't have to tell them you suspect ADHD if you don't want to, you can just tell them you've been struggling with certain aspects of school and hopefully they can help. School is hard for lots of people so know you're not alone.

It might be different where you live, but in the UK you're able to make your own doctors appointments if you're over 16 so asking a doctor about getting a referral for a diagnosis/medication could be an option as well. Although waiting lists for that are incredibly long at the moment - I've personally been waiting nearly a year just to get an appointment 🙃

In the meantime, have you heard of How to ADHD on YouTube? Her channel has lots of videos with advice and various discussions about living with ADHD which you might find helpful.

Sorry I don't know if that helped much but I hope you're able to get support soon!

[alexbkrieger13]

M's newest column

Ive been thinking this week about Fifa’s plans to expand the Club World Cup and create a Women’s Club World Cup and wondering where the welfare of players ranks in their priorities.

At a time when we’re seeing so many serious injuries to top women players I found it alarming that they did not consult the leagues or the players. Instead, Fifa president Gianni Infantino just announced it out of the blue.

Fifpro, the players’ union, were right to complain about the lack of consultation. I’m all for new ideas but you have to think about the players. If you just add more and more games, there’ll come a time when it just becomes too much.

From my personal viewpoint, if Chelsea were to win the Champions League, I’d love to get the chance to play the best teams from other continents. I can also see the benefit of making the game less Eurocentric. However, you have to talk to the players’ union first.

As for a 32-team tournament for the men, the loading is already extreme for them and I’m intrigued to see how they cope when the Premier League returns on Boxing Day, just a week after the World Cup final and two weeks after England’s quarter-final exit.

When I think back to last summer after the Euro, it took me at least a week for my mind to stop playing back the images of all I’d experienced. For us, there was the trauma of losing a semi-final 4-0 and feeling humiliated. Emotionally that was tough and for three days I lay on a sunbed and tried to read a book but I just could not focus on the letters.

My head was still in the tournament, processing all I’d been through, and I needed at least 10 days to start feeling enthused about the new season. Then, when I went back into Chelsea, I had issues with tendinopathy – inflammation in my hamstring and achilles, which is the product of overloading. Every footballer has it somewhere once they reach a certain age, yet it was clear to me my body was struggling.

I’ve got friends in the Sweden national team who tell me they are still feeling fatigued from the Euro and the news this week about Vivianne Miedema’s ACL rupture – less than a month after Beth Mead suffered the same injury – only accentuates the need to give more serious thought to player welfare in the women’s game.

This isn’t just about Fifa either. We have so much to improve on regarding knowledge of women’s bodies and loading. At Chelsea we’re lucky as we have a big squad and they’re very good at monitoring load and thinking about physical and mental welfare.

However, only a handful of women’s clubs have it like this; few others can afford it. Before I came to Chelsea, I’d never worked with full-time physios, for example.

It’s just my hypothesis but I wonder whether women players might be less fragile if we’d received better medical attention early in our careers. It doesn’t help that all the research has been based on men’s bodies.

More women-specific research is required to understand how to train and load us. At Chelsea we’ve just taken part in a study by a woman who is scanning the feet of female footballers and collecting data about their foot shape, and this is what we need more of before Fifa start adding even more games.

I would also question the timing of women’s tournaments, which tend to run until late in the summer. Next year’s World Cup will start on 20 July and end on 20 August. It means you get a few weeks off before the tournament but you end up wanting to stay fit and doing some training on your own. It’s afterwards when you need the break and, as I’ve mentioned above, I don’t think two weeks is enough.

Ultimately, there are moments when your body says “enough” and I say this from personal experience. I look back to December last year when I suffered an ankle injury in a Champions League game at Wolfsburg, which ruled me out for three months.

In hindsight, I’m not surprised at all as I remember the way I felt in that period, just trying to get through games. With Sweden I’d got to the final of the Olympics the previous August but hadn’t had enough time to recover and then we had the challenge of the inaugural group stage of the Champions League, which meant more travel and more tough games.

I was tired and moody and just thinking, “When’s the break coming?”. I really feel my injury came as a result of that. I jumped and landed badly and damaged ligaments as well as sustaining bone bruising and a small fracture. It felt to me that my brain was simply too tired.

A year on, sadly, it’s my partner Pernille’s turn to be injured. Thankfully it wasn’t an ACL in her case but she had an operation on her hamstring last month and in the first few weeks afterwards needed help with everything, including putting on her socks and shoes. This is the personal cost that players face and it’s sad to see a loved one like that – yet another reason, therefore, why I feel so passionate about protecting my fellow players.

[khaire-traveler]

you get enough asks of people with similar questions and i told myself i wouldn’t add to the list, but i’m rly struggling rn.

i’ve been an active hellenistic polytheist for 3 years now, and an apollo worshiper for around 2.

yet, i haven’t really felt a connection to apollo for a year now. anytime i pray to him, it feels hollow.

i know that the advice people typically give is to move on, but i feel like then it’d be a waste. its quite terrible of me to say, but ive spent so much money and time setting up such a dedicated altar just for it to collect dust.

any ideas or advice? no worries if not. have a lovely day my friend :]

Hey, Max, thank you for the ask! I apologize for the delay.

So, I originally wrote a whole ass post that had paragraphs of information, suggestions, and advice, but Tumblr hates me and decided to just crash and not save literally any of it. 🙃 I'm hoping I can give you good information regardless of this setback. Also, please don't feel bad about asking questions; I honestly enjoy it, especially since some information can be hard to come by. All my information is merely advice and suggestions based on my own experience, but I hope it's helpful to you - and maybe even others - regardless.

The first thing I'll do is share some links that could be helpful for you. This one talks a bit about Deity Disconnect™ - something that I feel I can safely say has happened to every pagan and polytheist. Sometimes faith and spirituality come in waves, ebbing in and out as naturally as the ocean, but it doesn't always mean that a deity has left us. If you'd like to try reconnecting with Apollo through bonding activities and the like, this link and that link both lead to posts that mention some ways you can bond with a deity. Although I'm not sure if any of these will be helpful to you, I hope that they are. 🧡

I feel it's also important to mention that many devotees of Apollo find it difficult to connect with him during the winter. For me, I feel the feeling of disconnect begin as early as the middle of Fall and stay as late as the very beginning of Spring. Many attribute this to the myth of Apollo leaving for Hyperborea and leaving his seat in Delphi for Dionysus to temporarily take over. If you've been trying to reconnect during Winter, or even potentially Fall, the disconnect from Apollo may feel even stronger than usual because of this. I would wait to readdress this issue with him until Spring rolls around, personally, just in case this disconnect could be contributing to your problem at all.

Along with all that, I'm inclined to ask whether you've addressed this topic with him directly. Have you been able to communicate with Apollo directly about this and get his thoughts? In my experience, deities will typically let you know if they're stepping away, rather than yoinking away super suddenly and without a given cause (or at the very least, they are more than willing to provide a reason if you ask them); this tends to be especially true when it comes to deities you've been very close with in the past. If you haven't already, I'd highly encourage you to speak with Apollo in a format that allows him to provide a response to your questions, such as divination or meditation.

I do also have to say that sometimes deities leave but return later. It's entirely possible he is simply taking a break or stepping away temporarily. Maybe he feels you need to focus on other deities more at this time or he has simply taught all he can (or all that's relevant) at the moment. He could return full force later on in your life, be it a few days from now or a few years. This is something I'd ask him about specifically in order to clarify his intentions.

Ok, but what if he really is leaving and doing so in a more permanent fashion? Well, in that case, I encourage you to do whatever feels right for you. Take down his altar, or leave it up; it's entirely your choice. Even when deities leave our lives, they never truly leave, and most of the time, if we need a deity's help, we are still welcome to call upon their aid, even if they've "left". It's also possible that he is still ok with you worshipping or venerating him, even if he does choose to step away. There are some deities that I mostly just venerate but don't do much else past that, and that's perfectly ok. Sometimes it just feels nice to acknowledge a deity and show them appreciation, even if you're not particularly close to them. These are all things you need to have a direct conversation with Apollo about, however, as I cannot speak for him or what he is comfortable with.

Although it can feel like a waste of time, energy, and hell even money, please do remember that it is never truly a waste if your relationship to Apollo meant something - and still means something - to you. You put genuine time, love, and care into the altar you created, and regardless of what happens going forward, I'm sure he still appreciates that. It's important to know that when a deity feels the need to step away, it's not because they stop caring for you or the time you've spent together; they simply feel it's in your best interest for them to be more distant for the time being, but regardless, they are still there. They are still present in the world and life around you. Apollo can still be felt in the warmth of the sun on your skin and the rush of excitement you feel when the beat of music reverberates in your chest. He is still near, even if he feels far. He is still there, even if he feels absent. These are not things you're required to focus on or even acknowledge, however, if it makes you uncomfortable or you'd rather terminate your relationship with Apollo. I just figure it may be comforting to hear.

If the following doesn't apply to you at all or you simply disagree with my perspective, please feel free to completely disregard all this; it's heavily based on my own personal experience and beliefs. Do you work with Apollo or worship him? I know it sounds rather silly and somewhat ridiculous to ask, but I have personally noticed a significant change in my deity relationships when I focused more on worship than work. I have noticed that, a lot of times, deity work can end in that deity eventually departing because the things you're working on can eventually be resolved or improved enough that you no longer need them. To me, personally, deity worship often has a more permanent meaning, although that obviously doesn't ring true for everyone. If you were doing deity work with Apollo, it's entirely possible that he feels he's helped you the best he can with whatever you originally reached out about and has decided that you no longer need his assistance or guidance. If that's the case (which it obviously could not be), then you can absolutely ask him if he's comfortable switching your relationship to something that is more long-term worship based rather than short-term "please assist me with this specific thing" based. And since I'm sure someone will mention it, I do want to acknowledge that there is nuance in every type of deity relationship, and you can absolutely have a long-term "deity work" based relationship and a short-term "deity worship" based relationship. There are exceptions to everything, and everything contains nuance and complexity. I don't want to discount either of those things; this is just me sharing something based on my personal understanding, and no one has to take me at face-value.

Anyway, I hope I was able to answer your question and give you some suggestions or advice that helps. Regardless, I hope you're able to figure this situation out and that Apollo can address you more directly about it. I wish you the best on your spiritual journey. Take care, and have a good day/night. 🧡

[n0ct0urn1quet]

wip ask game 1 2 5 6 9 14 20 26

1. what’s your longest wip right now? 

i dont know if this means longest as in like how many pages/words long or if this means longest as in the wip ive been working on for the longest amount of TIME but uhhh the the answer to the latter would be blazing sky (aka the first "book" in the series of Stories im writing which i finally made an arc title for, silence of the stars) which i created back in like 2017? 2018? and though ive rewritten it a handful of times thats the one ive been working on the most lately . the actual longest thing im working on (long as in lots of pages) isnt particularly blazing sky itself but is part of that whole Arc, the thing that im writing right now is cedarstar's whole death scene from mothwhiskers pov which from what i remember is like . 9 and a half pages long? yeah <3

2. what’s your shortest wip right now? 

again dont know if this means short as in how many pages/words or short as in the wip that ive been working on the Least but ig for the latter question the one thats been around much much shorter than blazing sky or anyting else is the stuff that im writing about berryclan/mintclan/shiveringclan/gustclan bc with that stuff i only created it within the past month or so so nothings rly come out of it yet. but as for shortest physical wip . i have no idea honestly KJDSJKLJKLG bc thers a thousand documents in google docs that are just like rly short 2 paragraph things that i juts wrote down bc i had those ideas in my mind n didnt know where to go with them so i just . plopped them down n didnt work on them after that JSLDJKG

5.  do you listen to music while writing or no? if yes, what’s your favorite kind of music to listen to? 

i try not to listen to music while writing bc my rbain focuses too much on the lyircs and The Music rahter than actually writing . i usually listen to random youtube videos for some kind of background noise that i can Easily tune out (usually i go fro longer 1-3 hour video essays that ive already watched before or something so i can just zone out while listening to them and dont have to focus on the Words, either that or i jst put on like. one of those "surviving 100 days in minecraft hardcore!!!!!" videos, which is weirdly what ive been listening to lately SKJDJKLLKG)

6. write 3 sentences of any wip you’d like, post it in the answer. 

Rosestar let out a wail and Specklestar looked as if she were about to vomit as blood began to pool out around Cedarstar’s head. Mothwhisker stared down at him in pure shock and horror, and behind him Darkfrost simply stared at Cedarstar with no expression on his face. Mothwhisker looked up at the sky and only then, after Cedarstar had been brutally murdered by not only another clan leader, but his own ex-mate and the mother of his son, did Starclan begin to cover the moon with dark gray clouds.

^ from thge cedarstars death thing. teehee!

9. what are you struggling with the most in finishing your current wip(s)? 

for a lot of the stuff i write i struggle with finding a clear ending or a good place to end things and i struggle writing stuff after i get to like. the climax of the chapter. like with cedarstar's death im struggling writing darkfrost's reaction and snowstar's reaction n everyone's reaction to his death and struggling to find a good place to End Things so its juts . in wip limbo rn KSJLDLJKLKG

14. what’s your favorite thing about writing? 

making my ocs go through horrible terrible trauma <33333 projecting my issues onto my sillly little guys <3333333 loooks at mistyleaf and meadowmoon specifically theyr'e the worst of the bunch <3333333333

(but fr i think my favorite thing about writing is writing like dialogue n stuff. im not good with being subtle when it comes to dialogue, like im very much. making characters be upfront and straightforward when they rly shouldnt be (such as i wanted to write a thing where mistyleaf and heatherheart are talking after darkwing's death and its from mistyleaf's pov n heatherheart is making it all about herself completely unintentionally and mistyleaf, now knowing she's being unintentional about her thoughts, blows up at her and is like "well he's MY brother he's MY family you aren't the ONLY one who's grieving" but im finding it hard to be. subtle ig? and having heatherheart not realize she was saying that stuff and upsetting mistyleaf while also making mistyleaf accidentally lash out thinking heatherheart was being genuine abt being all like "oh im sosad im sooooo sad that darkwing is dead he was MY mate and the father of MY kits im sooooooooo sad that hes dead" and not addressing mistyleaf's grief) but aside from that i do lke writing dialogue it is fun :])

20. how do you usually come up with story ideas? 

gonna be honest i have no fuckign idea someimtes shit just comes to me. like fuckinnnn owlstar's whole story about her being a young leader with a dead father and her not being able to live up to her clans' expectations of her and her clan not accepting her as a leader bc she's only like a year and a half moons old just like. completely came out of nowhere. with older oc's, specifically like mothheart and her kits, and shellstorm, they were created shortly after i read certain warriors books. shellstorm was created after i read crookedstar's promise and she was heavily, perhaps TOO heavily, inspired by crookedstar's story. mothheart and her kits were created shortly after i read moth flight's vision and also i was inspired by recently reading long shadows + sunrise where the secret of jay lion and holly being the kits of leaf and crow was revealed. with newer ocs though they just kinda. came out of nowhere.

ig though if i had to answer this, id say sometimes i just like. put myself in my characters shoes and look at things from their perspectives. and i go with stuff from there. like earlier today with the clangen stuff with copperleaf riverlight and clovershade, when i saw clovershade being Disappointed In Copperleaf and then saw copperleaf Spending A Lot Of Time With Riverlight i was like hmm. okay pretend im clovershade now. okay whats the first thing that comes to my mind for me (clovershade) to be mad at copperleaf. okay lets say he and i (clovershade) both had crushes on riverlight and when i (clovershade) died he became mates with her and used my death for her to feel sorry for him and become his mate. boom. story created <3

26. is there a wip you’d like to see recreated in a new medium (ie. movie, audio drama podcast, web series, animation, musical)? 

i would fucking LOVE to turn my stuff into like a comic or even an animated series (not like on tv series but like. an animated series put on yt or something) . but alas i wouldnt be good at updating a comic regularly and animating is sohard but . idk! for now it wil all stick to writing <3

[dwellordream]

“…At the same time, however, until the mid-eleventh century, the question of whether women were suited for militant activity had simply not been of any real concern to medieval scholars. To be sure, there were historical examples within Western Europe of women who were significantly involved in military activity, but they had not stimulated major debate on this issue. The legendary Boudicca, for instance, led a military revolt against the Romans in early Britain, yet her existence remained unknown throughout the High and Late Middle Ages and was only rediscovered in the sixteenth century.

Much later, another more well-known female military leader, Æthelflæd, the so-called ‘Lady of the Mercians’, led an army that won several battles within England and even invaded Wales in the early-tenth century, but her actions also aroused little comment in the contemporary sources. Though unusual, the activities of these women were not sufficiently contentious for contemporaries to use them as a basis for an argument in favour of female militancy.

Thus, it was not until the military career of Countess Matilda of Tuscany in the late-eleventh and early-twelfth century that we find the first clear evidence of works written in support of female militancy. Matilda, whose military career is examined in more detail in chapter two, inherited a large territory in northern Italy and became the chief means of military support and main defender of the Gregorian reform papacy in its struggle against the Western Roman Emperor Henry IV (1050- 1106).

Her continued military success raised fresh questions concerning women’s place in war, and forced many intellectuals who were dependant on Matilda to come up with new and inventive ways of defending and justifying her military actions. They were, in particular, driven by a desire to appease Matilda’s apparent reluctance to wage war against other Christians, as indeed she was doing by fighting the imperial German army. To this end, a range of innovative arguments were offered in support of Matilda’s cause and female military leadership in general.

Amongst the first to do so was a grammarian in her entourage, John of Mantua, known only for a biblical commentary he wrote on the Song of Songs in c.1081. In this tract he attempted to convince Matilda that an ‘active’ life fighting heresy and schismatics in the Church was just as noble as and indeed more useful in God’s eyes than leading a more ‘contemplative’ life as a cloistered nun. John also applied an allegorical form of biblical exegesis to argue that Matilda’s efforts in fact represented legitimate use of the ‘secular sword’ in defence of the Church, which itself wielded the ‘spiritual sword’ – an idea that was to later gain much currency amongst Church scholars.

Similarly Donizo, the author of a life of Matilda, employed biblical imagery to frame and contextualise Matilda’s accomplishments – military or otherwise – as the continuation of a long tradition in strong biblical female leaders, such as Deborah, Jael, Esther (an Old Testament queen), and Judith (another Old Testament heroine). Although the use of these biblical figures cannot necessarily be said to have legitimised Matilda’s leadership (none of the figures were actually rulers), they nevertheless still illustrated, to medieval eyes, how certain women throughout history had divine support for their actions, and in Matilda’s case, how her use of military force must have been approved by God.

A further attempt at explaining her success was that of Rangerius, bishop of Lucca, who defended Matilda’s actions by lauding her masculine qualities in ‘overcoming her sex and not fearing the brave deeds of men’. In thus construing Matilda as a sort of ‘honourable man’ as it were, Rangerius was able to avoid questions as to how the supposedly weaker female sex could defeat the other in a militarily battle, especially as women were thought to be ‘inherently...unfit for [military and political] command’.

Two others to defend the Church’s use of secular armies and Matilda’s participation by way of canon law were Bishop Anselm of Lucca and Cardinal Duesdedit. Both men wrote early, yet independent and influential collections of canons in the 1080s, each of which were identically titled the Collectio canonum. Anselm’s Collectio, especially book 13, is particularly notable because it represented the first canonical collection of its kind, in that it was the first canonical collection designed specifically to justify the Church’s armed struggle against heretics and other perceived enemies of the faith.

More importantly however, at least in terms of legitimating female military command, both Anselm and Duesdedit were the first to employ a little known, and previously ignored, letter by Pope St. Gregory I (590-604) to the Frankish queen Brunhild, in which the pope permitted the queen to use military means in order to defeat any aggressive or evil threats. In Anselm’s collection the letter is discussed under the heading ‘That the power to correct evildoers is granted to the queen’. When placed in the context of Anselm’s support for Matilda and considering the significance and importance of his collection as the ‘the first major systematic justification of warfare in the Christian tradition’, this statement constituted a strong endorsement of female military leadership.

Lest we assume that efforts by intellectuals such as John of Mantua or canonists like Anselm to sanction Matilda’s military activities meant that they actually believed all women might be suited for military leadership, one must remember the context in which their works were written. As Hay has suggested, it is important to realise that Matilda’s very support for the papacy and various persecuted clerics is what predisposed polemicists in the first place to find excuses for her military involvement and justify to both themselves and each other why they were supporting one woman’s military activity.

Indeed, were it not for the need to explain and defend Matilda’s continued wartime victories and political savvy, her supporters may never have gone to the extent they did to justify her actions. Although their efforts to go against the centuries of anti-feminine thought in political and religious circles could not hope to change, in the space of one generation, long- standing beliefs about the legitimacy of female military involvement, their efforts indicate, if nothing else, that ‘medieval conceptions of gender [allowed for] the occasional female combatant’, without contradicting the established belief in male superiority.

Some of the more explicit arguments offered against the idea of women in war in the Middle Ages were also promulgated during Matilda’s life by Bishop Bonizo de Sutri (c.1045-c.1094). Interestingly, although his earlier work, the Liber ad amicum, written in 1085 or 1086, represented an endorsement of her military struggle and the others fighting on her side for the Church, his later canonical law collection, the Liber de vita Christiana, completed 1089-1090, offers a decidedly negative assessment of Matilda and her illegitimate usurpation of masculine power. The reasons for this shift in opinion have to do with Bonizo’s career.

Initially bishop of Sutri, he had been expelled and captured by the Emperor Henry in 1082, then forced to find sanctuary in Matilda’s court where he composed the Liber ad amicum. In it he spoke glowingly of Matilda, calling her a soldier of God and a true daughter of St Peter, who must fight to defend the church against the anti-pope Clement III and his supporters, using ‘every means, as long as her resources last’. His circumstances changed however when, after controversially being elected to the see of Piacenza with only weak support from Matilda and the papacy, he proved unable to maintain his position in the face of opposition, and in 1089 was cruelly mutilated and ousted by his opponents from his seat.

The Liber de vita Christiana therefore, reflects Bonizo’s disillusionment with Matilda, an attitude that is evident in its argument that women must always be under male command; moreover, although he concedes that historically some women have held military or political leadership, he contends they have only ever brought destruction or misfortune to their subjects. Invoking various biblical and historical examples of women who he felt had gone against this divine order and suffered for it, Bonizo concludes by exhorting that a woman’s place is at home, performing domestic tasks, not leading armies on the battlefield, the obvious implication being that Matilda’s struggle could only bring harm to those involved and that she ought to desist in her military activities.”

- James Michael Illston, ‘An Entirely Masculine Activity’? Women and War in the High and Late Middle Ages Reconsidered

[qqueenofhades]

Hi, I hope this isnt annoying to ask but w the old guard ive seen a lot of people mixing up catholic and christian when it comes to nicky. when by todays standards theyre not interchangeable as catholic is a specific strain of christianity. i was kinda under the impression the crusades were a purely catholic thing since the pope. is that right or were other christians involved??

Hmm. Just to be clear what you’re asking, are you wondering whether it’s a mistake to use “Catholic” and “Christian” interchangeably when talking about this time period or describing Nicky’s faith? And/or asking for a basic religious primer on medieval Europe and the crusades more generally?

First, it’s not a mistake to use “Catholic” and “Christian” as synonyms during the crusades, especially since a) Catholics are Christians, no matter what the militant Protestant reformers would like you to think, and b) until said Protestant reformation, they were the dominant and almost (but not quite) singular Christian denomination in Western Europe. Our source material for the period doesn’t describe the crusaders as “Catholics,” even if they were; they call them Christians or Franks. (Likewise, the word “Frank,” i.e. “French” was often used to describe Western European crusaders no matter which country they were from, since so many crusaders came from France and that was where the crusades were originally launched, at the council of Clermont in 1095.) To call them “Christians” points us to the fact that the crusades were viewed as a great pan-Christian enterprise, even if the reality was more complicated, and nobody would need to specify “Catholic,” because that was implicit.

In short, medieval Europe had two major strands of Christianity, which developed out of the centuries of arguments over heresy, the contents of the biblical canon, the nature and/or divinity of Christ, their relationship to Judaism, paganism, and other religions of late antiquity, and so forth. Eventually these two competing branches took on geographical, cultural, and linguistic associations: Western (Latin) Catholic Christianity, and Eastern (Greek) Orthodox Christianity. The Great Schism in 1054 split these two rites formally apart, though both of them had at least some thought that the internal divisions in Christianity should be healed and dialogue has continued intermittently even up to the present day (though they’re still not actually reconciled and this seems highly unlikely to ever happen.)

The head of Western Catholic Christianity was (and is) the Pope of Rome, and the head of Eastern Orthodox Christianity was (and is) the Patriarch of Constantinople. Both of these branches of Christianity were involved in launching the crusades. To make a long story short, the Byzantine (Greek) Emperor, Alexios Komnenos, appealed to the Catholic (Latin) pope, Urban II, for help in defending the rights of eastern Christians, territorial incursions against Greek possessions by the Muslims of the Holy Land and North Africa, and the city of Constantinople (and Jerusalem) itself. So although the actual French and Western European participants in the crusades were Catholic, they (originally, at least) joined up with the intention of helping out their Orthodox brethren in the East and “liberating” Jerusalem from the so-called tyranny of Islam. To this end, the accounts of the council of Clermont focused heavily on the brotherhood of western and eastern Christians and the alleged terrible treatment of these Christians by the ruling Islamic caliphate in Jerusalem. At that time, that was the Isma’ili Shia Muslim Fatimids (who had replaced the Sunni Muslim Abbasids in the early 10th century -- there are many names and many dynasties, but yes.)

However, despite this ecumenical start, relations between Western and Eastern Christians started to go bad very quickly over the course of the crusades, indeed within a few short years of Clermont. Alexios Komnenos wanted the crusade leaders to swear loyalty to him and pledge to return formerly Byzantine lands that might be recaptured from the Muslims, and the crusade leaders did not want to do this. There were deep cultural, linguistic, religious, social, and political differences between Greek and Latin Christians, even if they were both technically Christians, and these caused the obvious problems. The Greeks were obviously located in a different part of the world and had a different relationship with their Islamic neighbors (they fought them often, but also traded with them and established diplomatic ties) and this caused constant friction during the crusades, since the Westerners always suspected (not entirely wrongly) that the Greeks were secretly in league with the Turks. Albert of Aachen, writing his Historia Ierosolimitana in the early 12th century, referred to “wicked Christians, that is to say Greeks,” and our primary source for the Second Crusade (1145--49) is Odo of Deuil and his De profectione Ludovici VII in Orientem (Journey of Louis VII to the East.) He spent the entire time grousing about “treacherous Greeks” and blaming them for the crusade’s struggles (though the Second Crusade pretty much sabotaged itself and didn’t need any outside force to blame for its failure). There was some truth to this accusation, since Byzantium was then engaged in a war against Sicily (Louis VII’s ally, though it had its own connections to Muslim culture and indeed had been Muslim before the Normans conquered it in 1061). The Greeks had thus been working with the Muslims to undercut the invasion of Western Europeans into this contested territory, and this was not forgotten or forgiven.

The best-known example of Western-Eastern relations during the crusades going catastrophically awry is in 1204, at the sack of Constantinople as the culmination of the Fourth Crusade. Basically: the crusaders were deeply in debt to the Venetians and had already attacked the Catholic city of Zara (Zadar in Croatia) in hopes of getting some money back, then got involved in the messy politics of the Byzantine succession, went to Constantinople, and eventually outright attacked it, sacked and destroyed the city, and raped and slaughtered its inhabitants. This obviously poisoned the well all but permanently between Latin and Greek Christians (frankly, in my opinion, it’s one of the worst tragedies of history) and Constantinople never regained its former wealth and pre-eminence. It declined until it was captured in 1453 by the Ottoman Turks and Sultan Mehmed II, and has been an Islamic city ever since. (It was renamed Istanbul in 1923, under Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, the “founding father” of modern Turkey.) Obviously, Latin and Greek Christianity still had to work with each other somehow, but the crusades were actually the single biggest factor in driving the two branches further apart, rather than reconciling them.

The words “catholic” and “orthodox” both have connotations of universality, overall correctness, and all-encompassing truth claims. Therefore, in some sense, to a Catholic Christian or an Orthodox Christian, defining themselves as such, with both words, is repetitious; they are Catholic/Orthodox and therefore the correct sort of Christian (even if their theological opponents would disagree). However, historians obviously do use that convention to distinguish them, since the identity is important, and makes a big difference as to what religious landscape an individual is living in. As for heresy, it was an equally complicated subject. Numerous “heretical” (i.e. not mainstream Catholic Christianity) Christian sects existed in Europe for this entire period, most notably the Cathars. (They got their own crusade launched against them, the Albigensian Crusade of 1209--29 in southern France.) The lines between heresy and orthodoxy (small-o orthodoxy meaning in this case, confusingly, Catholic Christianity) could often be blurred, and religious practices were syncretic and constantly influenced each other. A big problem in the Albigensian Crusade was identifying who the heretics actually were; they looked like their Catholic neighbors, they lived in community with them, their friends and family members were Cathar and Catholic alike, both rites were practiced, and plenty of towns were just fine with this hybrid arrangement. Hence it was not as simple as just pointing and going “get those guys,” and indeed, one of the leaders of the Albigensian Crusade, when asked by a knight how to tell them apart, advocated to just kill them all and God would know who the good Catholics were. Welp.

Northern and eastern Europe also remained pagan relatively late into the medieval era (into the 10th and 11th centuries) and the Northern and Baltic Crusades were launched with the aim of converting them to Catholic Christianity. (You will notice that the crusades have a complicated history as both a vehicle of religious warfare and as an attempted theater of conversion.) Heresy was a constant preoccupation of the Catholic popes, especially Innocent III (the progenitor of the Fourth, Albigensian, and Fifth Crusades). Especially in the thirteenth century, splinter religious groups and localized sects of “heresy” were popping up like crazy, and it was a constant point of contention as to how to deal with them, i.e. by force, persuasion, reconciliation, dialogue, etc. No, the medieval Catholic church was not the stereotyped instrument of fear, oppression, and tyranny, and could never enforce its views universally on all of western Europe. Church attendance on the parish level could be so low that in 1215 at the Fourth Lateran Council, Innocent issued an order requiring Christians to take communion at least once a year. So yes. The standard was very far from “everyone believed Catholicism fervently at all times and if they didn’t, they were immediately punished/burned alive.” The idea of burning heretics at the stake wasn’t even introduced until the early fifteenth century, and even then, it required an often-months-long formal church trial and wasn’t just something that the local village priest could hand out on a whim.

There were also monastic orders, and these (at least in Western Europe) were therefore Catholic, but they had different ways of practicing it and what their orders emphasized. The most common order were Benedictines (founded in the 6th century by Saint Benedict), who adhered to the Rule of Saint Benedict, which is still the basis for the following monastic orders. There were also the Cluniacs (founded in 10th-century France at Cluny Abbey) and the Cistercians (founded as rivals to the Cluniacs at the end of the 11th century, also in France). In terms of the crusades, the Cistercians were by far the most involved with/zealously supportive of them (Bernard of Clairvaux was a Cistercian) and took part in directly financing, preaching, and launching the Second, Fourth, and Albigensian Crusades alike. The better-known monastic orders, the Franciscans and Dominicans, weren’t founded until the thirteenth century, on the tail end of the crusades, and didn’t take much direct part in them. The Dominican inquisition, however, took over the business of dealing with the Cathars after the Albigensian Crusade petered out, and their concern was often with heresy thereafter.

Anyway. This has gotten long, as per usual. But I hope this gives you some introductory sense of the religious landscape of medieval Europe, the divisions within Christianity, and the fact that it’s entirely accurate to use “Catholic” and “Christian” interchangeably when discussing Nicky’s crusades-era faith and counterparts. The crusaders themselves did not specify themselves as being Catholic, and the crusades were (at least initially) viewed as a pan-Christian movement, even if eventually fatal tensions with Orthodox Christians left a permanent scar. The idea of identifying the precise denomination of Christianity is also another Protestant Reformation-era innovation, and wasn’t, at least in this case, necessary to do.

[thespiantherepist]

Android Iida x reader

You knew your dad loved you. He only wanted the best for you, and to him it was never enough. He always kept you financially supported, even though you didn't ask.

Your father ran a robotics company, the leading one on your country. His company was never second best; however he never let fame get to his head. He always had your best intrests in mind.

You weren't famous, and you never wanted to be. Running your cute, little library café was enough for you. It was always so peaceful. So blissfully soft, and warm. It was in just the right spot. People would flow in. People would flow out.

Like clockwork.

Your co-workers, and employees were your friends. They always listened, they showed up on time. You have always loved your life. You never were able to comprehend sadness. How could you?

You were always content. Nothing could go wrong right?

He died peacefully. Nothing painful, the doctors were baffled. No signs of struggle, or strain were present. They couldn't find any reason for his death.

This was the first time you'd experienced true sadness, and it hit you like a freight train.

You felt like you were being flung around. Through the wind she blew, and then she would land back down again. That, was the only way you could describe the feeling. Next to emptiness. Somehow, you couldn't bring yourself to cry. He would've turned in his grave knowing you were crying.

You missed his hugs, and crappy dad jokes. You missed the random cup of coffee sitting on your counter when you got home, all because he had a spare key. You missed him as a whole.

You decided to take a break from work, it was all to much right now. Thinking about your father now had just gotten you used to reminising. You sat in your window seat, looking down your driveway, that was encaved by trees. Staring at the rain, as it dripped down your window you felt peace. For the first time in about a week you were able to sleep.

When you woke the storm outside was raging, it was nighttime. The bolts of lightning that cascaded down lit up the voided night, like a second day. The rain that had started as a slow peacefull kind was now destructive. Threatening to destroy the Midnight roses your father planted for you.

After a particularly large flash had light seeping in your window you saw a silhouette.

Large, and Rectangular.

A box!

You hadn't ordered anything so this was unusual. Walking over to your door, and trying to navigate through the dark using only your hands proved difficult. It set you on edge, but you were always brave. You were brave for him.

Reaching for the doorknob, you gently unlocked it. The box on the porch dwarfed you in size. Your heart stopped, maybe this wasn't a good idea. Alarms blasted in your head,

● HEY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?DO YOU NOT REMEBER THE GREEKS? WHAT HAPPENED WITH THE GODDAMN WOODEN HOR- and she's bringing it inside... g.r.e.a.t.●

This was madness.

This is bizzare, I dont like it. I cant send it back, but...

You were faced with an issue, an android stood in front of you. Face stern, cold, (handsome). Eyes deadset, staring off. The muscles he had could possibly crush a watermelon. Suffice it to say, you would've thought it was a corpse; had it not been for the glasses that went into metal slots by his ears, and the engines on his legs.

Engines?

"Who knew dad made ones that looked so real.."

Awe filled your voice. It was a beautiful model.

The droid had a metal bracelet, with the name, 'Iida' engraved on it.

"Iida?"

"YES MASTER!"

"HOLY FUCK NUGGETS!" You were shooketh, 'THIS BITCH IS VOICE ACTIVATED?' That's wack.

"I APOLOGISE FOR FRIGHTENING YOU MASTER, YOU SEE YOUR FATHER MADE ME TO PROTECT YOU. I AM TENYA. I HAVE COME TO SERVE YOU IN PLACE OF YOUR FATHER."

Oh dear god, mans was loud. He also sounded like your favourite voice actor, but that was beside the point. You needed to find a volume button now.

○Two hours later○

"What do you mean you want to,... send me back?"

"Look Tenya," You said with a sigh, "Ive been having a hard time as of late an-"

"Yes master, however if I may interject for a moment? I was made for you specifically. I am not the company's." He explained it as if he was explaining it to a child.

"Okay... Ill consider it."

"What is, it? Master." He raised a brow, soft hydraulics were heard from inside him.

"I'll let you stay if you promise to help with chores, and whatn-"

"YES MASTER!"

Living with Tenya wasn't easy.

"Iida take a break."

"Iida, I dont need more food. Please stop feeding me."

"IIDA FOR GODS SAKE STOP CLEANING, IT SMELLS LIKE A THERAPISTS OFFICE IN HERE!"

And every time he'd respond with a blunt,

"No mamm, I'm afraid I cant do that."

"No mamm, it is my duty. Please eat now.

"MAMM I CANNOT STOP CLEANING, IVE TOLD YOU! PLEASE RELAX!"

It was, tense.

Iida, was difficult. However he was also resourceful. Wanted to know the weather? Todays, tomorrows, and next years baby. Need someone to theorise with? Iidas your man, resourses, and fact checks.

Want someone to cuddle with?

Yeah no, he refuses to do that.

"You're too precious, Im afraid Im not allowed!"

"Iida, I need affection."

"I'll call Shinsou."

You sigh.

"Cool, he's better than you anyway." You say pouting.

What. was. that?

Was Iida hearing correctly? Shinsou? Better than him? That cant be true. You were wrong, end of story, he'd prove it to you.

"Im sorry mamm, he didn't answer his phone."

"Did you even call him?"

He said nothing. Then.

"Master, come here."

"No." Really, then? Thats how you were going to be. Iida took off his shirt, revealing, very yummy.

TONED.

Abs.

"I'll sit next to you then." His programms scanned, finding the best cuddle positions. He threw his right arm over the couch. Pulling you into him along the way. Puffing out his chest, he allowed your head to lye there.

'OOH!' Iida thought suddenly. 'That actually feels nice. What? No Iida, Bad Iida! You cant think that way about heeeeeerrrr...'

He stopped. His mind jumbling.

You were asleep. A purring sound lightly emmiting from your body. A small sleepy smile on your face.

Iidas lit up like a bonfire. He smiled dopily, a clinking, of gears, and a soft thrum in his chest resonated.

'Relaxing.cuddiling. I could get used to this!'

[stayatsam]

hm i know its TMI but i’m going to say some stuff under the cut bc i always feel very solitary in this kind of mind state and always wonder if there are other people who can relate

lol people often find it surprising that i suffer from paranoia bc on the internet and when i’m around people im really good at coming off as super composed and casual (and for the most part i am!) but LOL i’m thinking that if i’m ever living alone i’ll have to get a psychiatric service dog 🙄

tw for generic paranoia/fear/nightmares that kind of thing 

i’ve never gotten a like, “official” diagnosis from my psychiatrist. we’re bumbling around it either being bipolar disorder or paranoid schizophrenia (im talking more w him later)

. i know i’m going to sound like a crazy person but i’ve had paranoid delusions and hallucinations for as long as i can remember, but most notably around when i was 11 to the present. i was totally convinced that i was going to be kidnapped by the government and that they were watching me physically. and i’d also get terrifying feelings of being watched while i was alone in my room in the basement, that someone was standing immediately outside my locked door. EVERY night i would keep the lights turned on as i went about investigating every corner of the room and closing every door after thoroughly checking what was inside. i’d then look under my bed etc and then sleep with a lamp on. and at some point i got put on medication, which helped with my mood and depression but it never really made the paranoia go away. i’ve often had strange sensations of smell-hallucinations and large human figures about me. i’d only ever get a few hours of sleep every night because of how freaked out id be. 

and then i went to college and like, i would sleep really well and i was like oh lol im cured must be the medicine. but now that i’m in an apartment, and have to be alone more frequently, i’m 99% certain that the reason i was feeling better was because i had a roommate there with me every night. and lately i have had more feelings of paranoia and general “im freaking out in the dark” kind of thing. and i’ve had nights throughout my life where i (i was raised catholic) would recite the hail mary over again in my head for hours until eventually i fell asleep. 

it’s really hard to explain how paranoia feels other than it being like, one of the purest forms of terror where its like, nothing rational is in your thought process so you can’t even pin your fear on something with substance 😔😔😔😔 man i hate being mentally ill

but where im going w this is that like, i know within the next 3-4 years i will likely be living alone, and that if i’m going to function in society i’ll definitely need a dog specifically trained to handle this kind of delusions. and i’ve read that there are specifically service dogs trained for people with delusions/schizophrenia. i say service dog and not emotional support animal because im like 90% sure i’d need something that would be able to accompany me when im going places. specifically because this stuff does impair my daily life where ive gone days kind of like, huddling in my room and missed class. or i’d be so freaked out at going places that i would not go to events at the LGBT center downtown. in hs when i was sleeping alone i wouldn’t sleep all night and then id skip school in the morning, so i’m fairly certain i could struggle to function normally when i have to live alone in the future

i almost never go anywhere alone, with the farthest being going to campus and the grocery store and pharmacy. i’ve never been out past dark here alone because of how terrified i am of it 🥺 and also something that would be able to snap be back to reality

but i have NO idea how i would ever bring this up to my mom. she’s always boiled all my mental health issues down to just “depression and anxiety” and that there was never anything more to it. she always asks me how im doing mentally and i’ll be like yeah im good not depressed and shes like :) good! and im like lol... i think i would have my psychiatrist talk to her about it first to kinda break the idea to her slowly. he’s honestly a miracle worker. anyway sorry this got long i just kind of needed to throw my thoughts into the void. thank u if u read this far it feels nice knowing someone would have had the patience to listen to my rambling

and also that i’m doing well as of writing this! i feel like i’m a pretty strong person mentally for the most part ❤️👉👈 

[nico-idc]

random vent because i'm numb rn and feel like it

This is a vent post, ill probably talk about su!cide, self h*rm, eating disorders and depression. I’ll also cuss a lot, and things will not be censored. Also, this may seem insensitive to people experiencing any of this, sorry about that.  Dont read this if youre triggered by that.

Also, this is my experience with mental health. Everyone deals with it differently. 

So, If anyone doesnt know, I have depression and anxiety. And right now, I’m feeling numb as it’s often described by people with depression. But, numb isn’t a very good description. I can still feel. I’ll still smile if you tell me a joke, or if something funny is on a video. I’ll still cry if there’s something super sad. Emotion is just watered down. I feel it, but not as much as I should. Me and my boyfriend were talking, and i couldnt tell him I loved him. It’s not becuase I dont love him, but I just cant feel much of anything, so I dont want to tell him I loved him. Becuase If i did that, I felt as though I was lying. The funniest thing is, I randomly started crying. Still felt nothing, but hey, I had tears streaming down my face. Who fucking knows why. 

I havent been doing to great for a while now, but this is the worst i’ve ever gotten. Ive never felt numb before. I mean, I’ve felt myself starting to go through the motions, but i’ve never gone completely numb before. And before this i’ve had a few mental breakdowns. Hell, I’ve sat in a corner twice in the past month or so doing nothing but sobbing and begging myself not to move so I dont grab something sharp and cut myself. (I did not relapse, don’t worry). and recently I completely broke down over simply eating a cereal bar, got through it, ate it. I’m good now. 

Figures. That does seem to be my experience. Oh no, big bad issue one time, then magically I just talk myself out of my bullshit, and im fixed. Ha ha, yet I act like I have all these issues. I mean, I didnt even attempt to starve myself, just thought “oh, friends and family wont let me” and didnt. Had a breakdown about a year later, been fine since. Cut for a few months, went to therapy for a few months, stopped cutting. had a few breakdowns about a year or two later, then was fine. was suicidal for a while, went to therapy for a bit, was happy for months. Had breakdowns every now and then, fine now.

ha ha, first time I say alot of this is online. Figures. I’ve done that a lot too. My boyfriend has found out a bit about my depression through this site. Becuase I cant talk to my boyfriend about my shit, but hey random people on the internet! hear about my problems.

So on another note, I recently found a song that describes part of depression pretty well. It’s called “i’m not dead” by boyinaband. it’s linked below, I’ll copy paste the lyrics, and explain how I relate, and what the lyrics mean to me, becuase why not? (lyrics will be in bold)

undefined

I'm not dead

I'm not fixed, but I'm not giving up yet

Basically, this means that im still here, im still depressed, but I’m still trying to fight depression. 

I'm sick of saying that I still don't have anything done

I hate telling friends I'm trying something just to give it up

I never commit to anything, I just say I’ll do something, then decide I dont want to.

I'm still unsure of my emotional state

I'm still incapable of focusing lately

I don't feel like creating

I'm tired of asking Google how to find motivation

I’ve been on break from writing for months now. tried to get back to it, lost concentration. I think this is self explanatory. 

I don't think I've ever made

Something that's as good as I'm capable of

Ha, I dont put in enough effort and commitment to make something as good as possible.

I hate not having a reason to look my best

I only ever take care of myself with the intent to show the internet

I mean, I dont try to show the internet, but I only take care of myself when other people will see me.

If what made me successful was an imposed sense of stress then

I am so so glad that I hated myself

The only thing that makes me do things is extreme stress.

I didn't luck into this position

I struggle with decisions

I mean, im not in any high position, but I do struggle with decisions. 

I wouldn't be my own friend

I'm too inconsistent

I’m inconsistent as hell. I’m in like 10 group chats, don't talk in any of them for months, then just show up like “hi, havent talked to you all in ages, but hi”. 

Without immense pressure nothing ever gets finished

If these words make it to your ears it'll be a fucking miracle.

Yep. I went on  whole rant about this on wattpad. Without pressure to do something, I don’t do it.

I'm fortunate to know more good people than most do

I wish I had more friends I could be physically close to

I dont personally have a lot of friends that dont live in my city, so the last line isnt an issue, but I do know a lot of good people”

I'm pretty good at like 20 different skill sets

At the expense of never being great at any one of them

I’m good at quite a few things. Drawing, math, even writing. But im not great at it. I’m average.

I wish this beat hit harder

I wish more syllables rhymed

I know 99 percent of people really don't mind

I dont personally relate to this, seeing as I dont make music.

I think collaborating forced me to finish things

'Cause I was terrified of wasting famous people's time

Oh yeah. Group projects would not get done if i wasnt scared of wasting my partner’s time.

I wish I could focus on what I define priority

I wish I was as grateful as I want to be

Dont really relate to these things

I wish I knew more people who were mentally stable

But if I did,

I wouldn't let them waste their time on me while I'm disabled

Oh yeah. Id love to have a friend who isnt depressed, but I wouldnt let them see that im fucked up becuase i dont wanna drag them down.

I feel alone

I know I'm not

I have a lot of friends, but I still fell alone in this world

I used to talk to lots of people.

Lately I've stopped

They didn't deserve it,

I've been a terrible friend.

But I couldn't bear to let myself become boring to them

I ignore group chats all the time. no reason. Probably shouldnt. 

I don't let myself get my hopes up.

I love people who do.

Something good happens? what could go wrong? that is my thought precess.

I never know if what I say I feel is the truth

I have no damn Idea what I think, so its so hard to know what the truth in my head is.

I wish I didn't instinctively try to be less specific

So more people could relate, when they read along with the lyrics.

Not lyrics, but if i write/explain something, I immediately generalize things so its relateable.

I can be happy in the moment

I am not when I reflect

I smile watching youtube, but then I look back and think about how I wasted time.

I distract myself with gaming, waiting to get better

I hate it

Youtube will cure depression right? /s

I wanna do the most good, and prevent the most hurt

But I've gotta put on my own oxygen mask first

This is just an important phrase I try to remember when I’m down. for people who dont do well with metaphors, he’s saying that if you want to help people, you need to help yourself first. 

I can't predict what I'll do.

I can never be sure

I am terrified of making promises any more

I can't face my work,

I feel sick from the word

I genuinely believe I'm capable of changing the world

Don’t relate much here, except for the more positive, upbeat tone the song takes on, and i feel that this part, the part above and everything below is dave fighting his depression.

I still think I can get better

I’m holding onto hope.

I still think I can create and get pleasure from it

I hope so, I want my art and writing to improve.

I'll keep aiming to make my emotion and my logic agree

The eternal stuggle. I always try to get the two to line up, it rarely works. I try to use logic more often though.

And become the best version of me

Always trying to improve myself.

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

I don't want to stop!

There’s alot this could mean. I dont want to stop creating. I dont want to stop fighting. I dont want to stop getting better. I dont want to stop living. I relate to all these things.

I’ll expand on this more later, it’s too late now for me to continue this

[sparklyandchic]

🦋 MINI MIND MAKEOVER 🦋

okay i started the idea for this mini little mind makeover when i broke up with my boyfriend in like january. instead of being sad or angry, i wanted to be grateful for this time and take it as an opportunity to make life better for myself. then quarantine happened, so some of these are related to things i’ve learned since that started. either way, these aren’t all concrete things to do for your mind; some of them are just ways of thinking or pep talks. but if you can find one little piece of information or thought that makes you a little bit happier for a moment, that’s all i can hope for!

5-htp: okay first off- please ALWAYS consult your psychiatrist or medical professional before taking a supplement! taking 5-htp with, for example, serotonin-increasing medications can lead to a fatal illness called serotonin syndrome. personally, i started taking it because i had been on 10 mg prozac for a few months. it definitely dulled a lot of my anxiety and had a lot of positive aspects to it, but it dulled them almost too much to the point where i felt apathetic and detached from myself and the situations i was in. i was in a very unhealthy relationship and felt like i needed my mental clarity and “overthinking” processes back in order to identify what i was feeling and how to deal with it. i felt a lot more “sensitive” after coming off it, which was actually really welcome for me at first, but then it sort of dropped off into withdrawals. i was having constant panic attacks and crying very often. after a while, i was debating going back on prozac, but remembered i had taken 5-htp before. 5-htp is an amino acid that is a direct precursor to serotonin being produced in the brain. when u eat turkey, tryptophan is converted into 5-htp which leads to your brain producing serotonin, thus why you feel calm and happy afterwards. after taking 5-htp for just a few days, ranging between 200-300 mg per day (again, do your research, ask your doctor, and start small) i stopped crying constantly and really felt this sense of calmness and wellbeing but without the detachment and apathy i felt with prozac. i could still think clearly but didn’t feel overly sensitive to every emotion which arose. personally, it is really a lifesaver and really does make a noticeable difference.

cognitive behavioral therapy: ive tried therapy a million times. well okay, like 5 or 6 different therapists. at its worst, therapists told me i needed to use my sexual power as a woman in order to get what i wanted from men, told me i’m bad at socializing and should do group therapy, said my mom shouldn’t have encouraged me to “be myself” when i was younger because it made me less likeable than if i had conformed to normal societal standards of dressing. i had gone to “therapists” who claimed to be trained in CBT, but when i told them about my experiences with dissociation, the only feedback i got was to “take more baths.” while going through a few unpleasant experiences in my personal life, i decided i should try CBT once more, but like the real kind. i found an ivy-league educated licensed psychologist (NOT a “licensed clinical social worker” who doesn’t even have a psychology degree!!) who SPECIALIZED specifically in cognitive behavioral therapy. just after the first session, i was so elated with my experience. as opposed to just telling me that i needed to be more normal or more kind or a better person, she tried to identify WHAT was making me feel that way about myself in the first place. she pointed out the positive things i do and reassured me i was kind, good, and deserving of good things. she pointed out many aspects of my situation that would have taken me days or weeks to come to on my own. i’ve realized my hubris isn’t that i’m not socially acceptable or not perfect enough, but its just that i tend to THINK that i am these things despite having no evidence of it. so, over time with therapy, my positive self image about who i am as a person has grown and strengthened and i dont just randomly feel like a bad human being anymore lol. moral of the story, if you wanna do therapy but it keeps sucking, dont give up. go to a legit psychologist, find someone who specializes in the type of therapy you’re seeking, and also be vocal during your sessions. stand up to your psychologist when they continually push a narrative onto you, and explain why you don’t agree with it. sometimes it’s their job to try different narratives to see what fits, and if you just passively let them say what they want to, you’ll never find the truth of your experience! it’s a communal effort! therapy isn’t usually a magic cure-all where one session fixes everything that goes awry in your brain. but if you find someone who knows what they’re doing they can in fact really help your thought processes become less twisted up and more clear and healthy.

meditation and mindfulness: a few weeks ago i felt anxious and overly driven to get things done to the point where i spiraled into a space of guilt or a panic attack over not getting enough things done. meditation can be so so helpful here. it’s better to spend an hour sitting and doing nothing, but doing it peacefully and then calmly moving on to doing something else, than to spend 5 hours stressing yourself over every single thing you need to get done and how much time you’re wasting. the things that need to get done will get done. another thing that i’ve realized and say to myself a lot is: “focus not on doing all things perfectly, but on doing the small things well.” by this i mean, stop thinking about the 20 things you need to get done and how it all needs to be perfect, but instead take your time with the task that presents itself as most beneficial right now and focus on enjoying it and giving your whole self to the process. for example, stop thinking about how you need to clean your room, your closet, donate clothes, take a shower, take out the trash, read, workout, etc. think to yourself; “which task would bring me the most joy right now?” if the answer is taking a shower, then take that damn shower. bring your speaker into the bathroom, scrub every inch of your scalp with shampoo, scrub your feet and behind your ears and your neck with body wash, brush the conditioner through your hair fully. you may end your shower with 19 other things to do, but god damn if you can’t enjoy a single one of them and be present for it, what’s the fucking point! go light a candle and bask in its glow, go make your bed and huddle up in your neatly arranged covers, go take a long bath or a thorough shower, and be proud of and content with that today. 

relationships, with others and yourself: okay, if you missed the memo, my ex-boyfriend sucked. like genuinely was a bad person. he was a drug dealer, so that’s red flag number 1 (which i ignored of course), he hadn’t graduated high school (he was 18, i was 20, he was supposed to graduate the last semester but refused to do the work and ignored me and his mother when encouraged to do it, which is uhh definitely red flag number 2 which i also ignored), he habitually did not show up for dates on time or lied about what he was going to do or what he did (literally everything he did was a red flag and i rlly ignored all of it). the worst part was how he responded when i worked up the courage to speak to him about it. if we had agreed upon a time for our date but he showed up literally 8 hours late, he would blame it on me because i “could have called” him, or that i was “demanding too much of” him, or that i “should have said something earlier so now [i was] just dragging it out because it already happened.” basically, whatever narrative he pushed at me, i eventually gave into. i’ve dealt with gaslighting in a relationship before and a part of me knew what was happening to me, but a part of me also kept having hope for him, kept empathizing with him, kept wanting to believe in him. after a bit too much time, i finally realized you have to trust yourself, empathize with yourself, and believing in yourself over anyone else. at first i felt bad for him not being able to graduate because i had my own struggles with high school and getting work done. i thought he may have issues but he deserves someone to be there for him because i wanted someone to be there for me. despite the pain and stress he was causing me, i sat around crying over him because i cared about him and tend to over-empathize with people close to me, whether they deserve it or not. my therapist told me something that at first i did not understand, but over time came to grasp in its entirety: “some people do not deserve your love or kindness.” after our first session, my homework was to “consider when you are being kind and when you are being taken advantage of.” this made me realize that what feels like your instinctual nature to be nice to others, can in fact be a self-sabotaging unfair action, depending on the other person’s response. i might be dishing out a lot right now, but bear with me. think of it this way: you regard an action as a “kind action”. you might think “kind actions” include: forgiving someone for large mistakes, putting someone’s needs over yours, sparing them some change when they ask for it, listening to the problems they are dealing with every day. BUT when their actions include not forgiving you for minor mistakes, not giving a sh*t about your needs or considering them, not caring how much money they take from you and how much money you need to have around, or habitually glossing over your problems because it doesn’t benefit them to care, THEN those actions you performed are NOT “KIND ACTIONS” anymore. the act of continuing to give them leeway is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of giving them money is now the act of being taken advantage of. the act of buying into their story at the expense of your sanity, is now the act of being taken advantage. basically, all i’m saying is START PUTTING YOURSELF FIRST AND TRUSTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU FEEL SOMEONE DOESN’T HAVE YOUR BEST INTERESTS IN MIND. 

ending thoughts: i know quarantine is difficult right now. the desire to grow contrasted with the inability to move. maybe try and follow that old 2008~ quote; “bloom where you are planted”. you might not be able to reach the goals you thought you would during this time. you might not be able to run a marathon or make a bunch of new friends or wake up at 6 AM to workout or redo your bedroom or get a rhinoplasty or join a gym or get an internship. working towards productivity might be unrealistic right now. but you can work everyday towards becoming the woman you want to be, mentally. you can work on learning to be content, learning to make the best with what you have, learning to appreciate the little things, learning to slow down. these are all qualities that i for one want to have just as much as i want to be attractive or successful. if you can’t enjoy success, what’s the fucking point! life is on pause right now, take this moment as a gift and consider your internal world and what parts of your mind need a makeover. there are horrible things happening in the world right now, do what you can to help, but if you’re safe and healthy then be grateful for the things you can learn from this difficult time. take it slow, but keep moving forward! 

[marinsawakening]

So ive been questioning whether or not im aro. I used to ID as panro but ive been soul searching lately as well as entering the dating world a bit and i just dont know. I think i might be quiroromantic? Any advice for trying to figure this out? Thanks

Aaalright, so it’s been a while since I was questioning, so I’m a bit out of the loop on this front, but I’ll do my best to direct you to some resources.

@aromantic-official is pretty much aro central, and they have a resource page that includes resources for questioning aros and a glossary of aro terms, which should be a decent start. Their questioning tag also contains a variety of posts that are aimed at questioning aros; I haven’t gone through all of them, but it’s hard to imagine that there won’t be at least one that’s a little helpful.

@anagnori also has a very extensive resource page (although some may be out of date; I haven’t checked all of them), and also wrote this post aimed at questioning aros. 

AUREA is a fairly new website/organization dedicated to aromantics, and it has a resource page (again, haven’t checked all the links, but since the site is new, they should at least be up to date)

For quoiromanticism specifically, this post is a good 101 introduction (idk how relevant that is to you, but I feel contractually obligated to include it). The coiner of the term is @epochryphal, who has a quoi tag that is likely to include relevant info. @shades-of-grayro is a good blog for everyone on with a grayro identity (’grayromantic’ is both a specific identity and an umbrella term), and while they don’t seem to have a consistent quoi tag, the quoiromantic search on their blog yields good results. I don’t follow any quoiro blogs, but a quick search turns up @quoisitively-queer, who I’ve seen around (idk how active they are though), and although it’s not especially relevant, I remember @official-quoisexual from when I was questioning whether I was quoisexual, and although the blog is dedicated towards quoisexuality rather than quoiromanticism, and since the quoi community is small, ze might still be able to help you find more specific resources.

Some other aro blogs I recommend (note: I don’t follow everyone on this list, but they’re all good blogs as far as I know):

@aro-neir-o (lots of research)

@aroworlds​ and the creator’s other blog @alloaroworlds; the first is a blog centering around aro creativity, and the second is an allo aro community blog. 

@fandomshateaspecs (community blog, run by a variety of mods)

@biaroace (coiner of the ‘oriented aroace’ term)

@black-aros and the creator’s other aro blog @official-angledaroace; coined the term ‘angled aroace’, which the second is a community blog for, and the first is a blog centering around black aros.

@aro-soulmate-project (originally a blog for deconstructing the soulmate trope, still pretty vocal about this, but has turned into more of a general aro blog with good posts)

@aroarolibrary

@aroacepagans

and uuhh definitely a whole lot more but my brain is blanking at the moment, if you’re an aro blog feel free to like or reblog or reply to this post to make yourself known! I strongly recommend speaking to arospecs directly about your doubts/questions; often, personal conversation can help clear things up in a way that resource posts just can’t. Getting involved in the community can also help; while there’s no guarantee of this, personally, that’s what made me feel secure in my identity.

On a personal questioning note: I can only speak from personal experience as an aromantic with no romantic attraction whatsoever, as well as someone who was lucky enough to have a fairly stereotypical aro experience and get through questioning relatively easily (and with no internalized issues around the aromanticism), but the biggest issue that I found in my aro questioning journey was that the aro label felt so final and definitive, when the aro identity, by nature, is hard to figure out/’prove’ because you can’t prove a negative. I can’t prove that I will never experience romantic attraction; it’s entirely possible that I will, in the future. Hell, I can’t even really prove that I haven’t in the past; there were several instances where I very well might’ve gotten genuine crushes. 

But ultimately? Being aro made me happy. The idea of being aro was appealing in a way that being romantically attracted to people/dating never was. For me, at least, being aro is honestly more about making the choice to reject society’s planned romantic path than about the certainty that I will never experience romantic attraction; I feel no desire to ever experience it, the instances in the past that might’ve been romantic attraction annoyed me immensely, and the aro community and the aro label make me happy in a way that I never was when I didn’t have those. I might experience romantic attraction in the future. I might have experienced it in the past. But, ultimately, I cannot relate to the alloromantic experience at all, so either way, I’m somewhere on the aro spectrum, and the ‘aromantic’ identity makes me feel happy, so I’m using it and you physically cannot stop me.

(Obviously, this isn’t a universal experience: many aro people still have the desire to date/marry/have a romantic relationship, many aro people still experience some form of romantic attraction, many aro people may struggle with internalized self hate due to being aromantic or mourn the loss of their pre-planned romantic lifepath, or experience being aromantic in a completely different way. This is just my personal experience, and I wish I’d heard it when I was questioning, so I try to tell it to questioning aros now that I have the chance to do so.)

So, to close, I’ll repeat the same thing I always say to questioning people: ultimately, it’s more important that you’re happy with a label than that it fits. If identifying as aromantic, quoiromantic, or any other arospec identity makes you feel right, happy, or gives you the language to talk about your experiences in a way that you currently can’t, then you shouldn’t worry too much about whether or not the label technically fits, honestly. If IDing as panromantic makes you happy and accurately gives you language to talk about your experiences/describe your feelings, then there may be no need to ID as arospec, even if you fit the definitions. But if IDing as arospec makes you happy or helps you in any way, you can always start IDing as such, even if you’re not sure, don’t entirely fit the definitions, or if you later change your label. 

[morphogenetic]

Is ao no flag worth reading? I went through the tag and why is everyone who's reading suffering?? Damn... :/ are the gays treated badly or what?

ack sorry i didn’t see this earlier anon but excuse me yelling about this a lot because ive been reading this manga since ch 5 and have some STRONG feelings (in a positive way) about it sdlgkhsdkf. sorry for upcoming text wall i can try and space shit out if it’s hard to readokay so: it is absolutely worth reading yes. regardless of anything else that happens, the paneling/composition is fucking worth it alone tbh. it’s gorgeous as fuck, i’ve set specific panels and some of the cover art to be my phone background at certain points its just. oof. man. it’s so fucking good.

like. goddamn. this page in particular is SO fucking good and there’s more shit like this everywhere. i’m honestly in fucking love w the art and panel work it’s so good at show-don’t-tell and it’s just. so well done to boot.putting the really good art aside though: the overall discussions between characters that happen in this manga are fucking incredible. like. even going on beyond just treating gay characters with a level of respect that i wasn’t expecting in a shonen jump property (not the main mag but definitely still really widely read), there’s a really deep discussion of gender roles and the struggles that girls/women have to deal with in japanese society that i wasn’t expecting to see at all but that i deeply, deeply appreciate. also it goes a lot into the struggle of the high school to college transition and just the general idea of not knowing what the hell you want to do with your life and i just. really appreciate those things existing

while the gay characters experience pain, i would not say they are treated badly. i will probably fail at explaining this well while also trying to avoid spoilers lol, but while they are definitely going through some rough shit, it’s not rough shit for the sake of being cruel to them, and as characters they are honestly some of the most well-developed characters gay characters i’ve seen in any media at all, because nothing about them is treated as a joke. they’re both treated with as much respect by the narrative as the (seemingly, i personally doubt the lead is actually straight and there’s some hints as to another main being trans but neither of those are canon so let’s call them straight for now lol) straight charastheir pain isn’t like….punching down, if that makes sense? like yeah they’re going through some shit, but it’s for the sake of the narrative getting a message across,and  their circumstances are actively decried by the narrative as Being Shitty. it’s really not pain  for the sake of just being cruel to fictional gay characters Because The Author Can Be Cruel If They Want To. im trying to think of a good comparison point to this but it’s a struggle, the best comparison i can think of in manga rn that you MIGHT have a point of reference on is how magne is being treated in b/nha right now. (I AM NOT READING BN//HA im not even caught up on the anime slkghsdf but based on what i know of her treatment she seems to be having a rough time of actually being treated like a person.)  anyway i have no idea if i’m explaining this point well at all but hopefully followers of mine reading anf already get what i mean by this, it’s not cruelty for the sake of being cruelthat and like. everyone in this gd manga has some degree of pain, both the ‘straight’ characters are EXTREMELY anxious/depressed and one of the non-leads honestly has one of the most developed internal struggles, to the point where the entire gd fandom collectively had a moment of apology to her because we fucked up THAT bad in reading her personality lmao. this is technically a drama manga, after all, everyone’s dealing with some level of (realistic-to-real-life) internal struggle rn, but there’s no internal-narrative mocking of it. everyone’s issues are treated with respect

there are some things lately (and by ‘lately’ i mean within the last chapter or two) that many people, including myself, have reacted to with some amount of hesitation. anf has a habit of showing one thing and then completely changing your mind about said thing (see: aforementioned non-lead thing). i am not personally happy about it, but this is a monthly manga, so i’m willing to let it play its course for now. totally get the fandom dissatisfaction about it though but i think the good points of the manga up to this point still definitely outweigh itSORRY ANON THIS IS PROBABLY LONGER THAN YOU WERE EXPECTING LOL but yes. anf very good. painful but like. realistic pain and not Just For The Sake of Being Painful

RETROACTIVE EDIT BC IM A DUMBASS: if you’re seeing this and going ‘huh, cool, where can i read this?’ the answer is on the website/app mangaplus, which is a LEGAL, OFFICIAL, AND YET SOMEHOW ALSO FREE way to read a ton of shonen-jump-associated manga, including anf (under the title blue flag). the little volume extras aren’t there but they’re easy enough to find on mangadex and places like that lol

[disabled-queen-hc-blog]

Anon asked:  i have issues with losing time and lately ive been losing about every other day which is very disorienting and kind of scary. can i request some hcs of one of the boys losing time and the others helping him ?

♚

“Roger, those pants are atrocious!” Freddie said with a laugh as Roger came out of his room in a pair of tight leopard print jeans. He was trying on possible outfits for the concert later that night and wanted some of Freddie’s input. 

Roger flashed a hazy smile, his body tingling. He turned around to give Freddie a 360 view of the pants, arms thrown up in a “Really?” gesture. Freddie nodded, saying, “Animal prints are not in style anymore, love! Those pants belong in the bin if it were up to me,”

The blond let out a tinkling laugh, spluttering out between giggles, “All right. Guess it’s true,” before padding back into his room to try on other things. 

So, one could imagine the shock Freddie had when later that night Roger emerged from his dressing room in those train wreck looking pair of pants.

“Did you change your mind on my advice?” he asked, stepping back to appreciate those monstrous jeans.

Roger’s head cocked, eyebrows knitting curiously. “What advice?” he was still fumbling with his belt.

“The jeans, Rog! From this morning!”

Roger shook his head, hoping Fred wasn’t drunk already. Starting off a show drunk was always...an experience.

“We didn’t talk about jeans this morning, Fred!” Roger shot back, but he shivered when he tried to remember what he did that morning. It was all blank. Blackness. What did he do this morning?

Freddie huffed, punching his shoulder playfully. “Lay off the sniff, Rog,” he said as a parting joke before he went to warm out.

What did I do this morning? What did I do??

♚

John made a weirded out face as he looked at Roger from across the room, who was supposed to be leaving to get himself some food, but had suddenly stopped in his tracks, facing the door but made no efforts to actually open it. 

John watched him for what felt like minutes, creeped out by how eerily still Roger was. He decided he’d try to snap Roger out of what must have been an intense day dream. He got up, walked up to Roger who didn’t seem to notice him and gently touched his shoulder. 

In a very floaty movement, Roger turned to face John, his heavy lidded eyes drooping even further, a far off smile on his face. John frowned but waved a hand in front of him, saying, “Hello..anybody home?”

Roger chuckled, replying with a bit of a delay, “I’m right here, John,”

And then he left.

John worried Roger was not only high but way too high to go out and get food by himself. He didn’t have to worry for long, as Roger came back into the room some 5 minutes later, his heart thrumming, a big but forced smile on his face.

“I walked out and completely forgot what I was doing,” he said, his eyes now wide and alert, a hint of panic in them. He let out an awkward laugh.

“You were getting some lunch...”

“Oh yeah! Hah! I’m such a blond, right?” he said, turning on his heels to leave again, his body stiff.

How could I forget?

♚

“W-What do you mean we talked about this before?” Roger said as he wringed his hands. Brian stood before him, a hand on his forehead, shaking his curls in disappointment.

“We talked about this yesterday, mate. Are you gonna stand there and tell me you forgot in a matter of 24 hours?” Brian said with an angry lilt in his voice, staring at the neatly piled up papers.

He had told Roger the day before to leave the table messy. Brian had his dissertation laid out in a specific order, pages placed in a certain way so he could write out his conclusion without having to flip through pages to find what he had written before. It would only be for a few days tops. He’d clean it up himself.

But when Roger came to visit that day, Brian had only gone to take a leak for a minute and when he came back, it was all stacked up neatly on the side of the table. Hundreds of papers jumbled up without hope of getting them back to the way the were without a long struggle.

It wasn’t a big deal, but he was working on his PhD for christs sake! His every nerve radiated anxiety and stress. Could he ask for just one thing?

“I’m sorry, I don’t remember,” Roger said, his voice cracking. Those words were beginning to become far too familiar on his tongue. He hadn’t sat down to think about these random bursts of nothingness followed by sharp clarity as he returned to reality, in a different place, around different people, in a conversation, all of which he couldn’t remember. He was losing time. Minutes, hours and sometimes a whole day’s worth. And he had no idea why. And he didn’t even know how often it was happening. 

“Roger, I respect you too much to think of you as that dumb. Just. Shit, mate,” Brian rubbed his eyes, craving another pot of coffee. And for Roger to leave. He was probably doped up. Of course. 

Seeing the dismay on Brian’s face made the dams break in Roger’s brain. He started to cry, against his will. Months of confusion and pretending and hiding all flooded out until all he could do was shake and sob.

Brian went wide eyed, approaching Roger like he was made of glass.

“R-Rog! It’s okay! You don’t have to cry about it. I’ll survive,” he said, not even knowing what to do to soothe the other.

“’S not that. I’m forgetting things, Bri. I don’t remember when people tell me things or when stuff happens. Like my brain keeps turning off the record button or something. I don’t remember coming here yesterday, Brian. I don’t remember what happened at all yesterday!” He stuttered, blubbered and sniffled out, his hands out in front of him like a child asking their mother to pick them up. 

Brian held onto Roger tight, his chin nestled into the messy blond hair, his arms wrapped around Roger like an anchor. He wasn’t sure exactly what was happening, but his best friend was having a meltdown of sorts and he’d be damned if he ignored him because of some silly papers.

“Roger, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’ve got you, mate. We’ll figure this out, okay? You don’t have to be alone anymore,” he whispered, his shirt growing damp from Roger’s tears. 

“What if I don’t remember this?” he whispered hoarsely, a hiccup wracking his chest.

“I’ll just remind you then,” Brian said assuredly. 

What if I forget?

♚

“You won’t forget, darling,” Freddie said as he threw Roger a water bottle. 

Roger caught it, taking a big swig of it before placing it next to his drum kit. He shook his head, drumsticks twirling through his fingers nervously. “What if we record all of this and I just forget it all? And have to keep relearning it,” he said quietly, eyes downcast.

Brian walked up next to him, guitar in hand and gave Roger’s head a reassuring pat. “Haven’t things been going well in therapy?” he asked, a little smile on his face. Roger nodded.

He thought he was losing his mind at one point. He really thought it would keep getting worse until he never remembered anything at all. Lost forever in a body on autopilot. Brian and the other’s wouldn’t allow that though. They searched far and wide for something or someone that could help. Wouldn’t you know? Suppressing years of childhood abuse didn’t mean it went away. It just came to bite you in the ass as an adult. At least, that’s what his trauma counselor said. Working with her has opened his eyes to a lot of stuff and helped him shed the stress he’d been unknowingly harboring inside of him for years. In the few months they’ve been working together, he hadn’t had an episode in weeks. It didn’t mean he wasn’t scared all the time, waiting for the next one. At least the next one wasn’t minutes away anymore.

Roger hit his drumstick down on the snare with a shrug. “Fine,” he acquiesced. They all grinned, excited to know Roger was ready to sit back down with them and keep working. 

“I forget my lines all the time, dear. Don’t stress it,” Freddie said, adjusting the mic above his piano. 

“And if you forget, it’s no big deal. There’s always tomorrow,” Brian added.

“I mess up all the time and nobody ever notices,” John said with a cheeky laugh. 

“I said fine already!” Roger said as he blushed, appreciating their love for him but finding it smothering. “Let’s get on with it before I forget from old age!”

The four snickered but proceeded with the recording session. And Roger didn’t miss a single beat.

[bigskydreaming]

So this is...its a thing. Let’s go with that. I’ve been calling around LA for pretty much all of last week, going through every oral surgeon I can find to see if they do the surgery I need and what their schedules are like, how soon I could get into surgery, etc, and also I’ve been asking literally everyone I know if they know of anyone, have a referral, etc. Even reached out to this old client of mine from back when I was doing sex work, years and years ago, to see if he knew anyone in LA with connections at Cedars Sinai or another hospital, like, to see if they could even just check with their hospital to see what visiting doctors specialize in that kinda thing. Keeping in touch with people from my sex work days, lol, is not something I normally did, or do. He’s literally the only one, and that’s because it just....kinda happened? *Shrugs* He's not a regular presence in my life or anything like that, just the only one from those days that for various reasons, I kinda kept in casual contact with - which for me pretty much meant that I called him or he called me like, a couple times a year to just be like hey how you been. And it’d been a couple years to be honest, cuz like....*gestures at the last two years* 

LOLOL. I guess I just have very low standards for people keeping in contact with me. Who knows why. One of those inexplicable mysteries I guess.

But point is, he got back to me like, the same day, and acted as a go between for me with this old friend of his, who works at Cedars Sinai as a chaplain, their non-denominational one...last week, at the time, I was only focused on the advice part of the email he sent after he asked around the hospital for recommendations, and it kinda didn’t even register that this guy wasn’t just....had connections at Cedars Sinai, but was actually working there himself (for some reason, I thought he was in a different state when first put in contact with him, whatever). Let alone what his title there was. So he gave a recommendation that I’m following up on today, and I just called the old client of mine who put me in touch with him to clarify a few things he’d say, and it only then hit me where this friend of his worked, and so I asked how long he’d worked there and turns out it was two years.

Which was...when my aunt killed herself. And that was where she worked.

So. Like. This random guy who I’ve never met before, doing a favor for me as a favor for this guy who used to pay me for sex and kinda almost accidentally ended up as like...a casual but distant friend, is literally the guy who was hired to replace my aunt as the non-denominational chaplain at Cedars Sinai when she died two years ago.

And I don’t have the first fucking clue what to do with that?

Like....I’ve always considered myself ‘comfortably agnostic,’ like I’m more than willing to believe a higher power exists, I’m just not all that concerned with forming a definitive idea of what that might be or look like or want. I hate organized religion with a passion because lol, repressive Catholic upbringing, and I’ve just never felt a particular need to go out and look for faith in anything other than myself and like....the things in life I actually value, y’know? I’m of the mindset that like, I figure if I do things cuz they’re the right things to do and try and live a good life where I’m helpful to people and empathetic and compassionate, whatever that Higher Power’s specific deal is, they’re either gonna decide that’s good enough for them when I die, or if its not good enough on its own merits, like...idk why I would even want anything from them or anything to do with them anyway? Like sure God, send me to hell because the only thing that really matters in the end is I didn’t sign up for your official email mailing list or whatever the fuck. Nope. 

So religion and faith and spirituality have never been a big...thing for me, or part of my life, its not something I really feel like, a void for not having or whatever. I don’t have an issue with what anyone else believes or why, up until the point where their personal faith apparently requires them to like....impinge upon my actual life and ability to live it the way I choose to....but I’m not like that dude who goes around trying to poke holes in peoples’ faith, just like...respect that I’m not interested in a sales pitch and we’re cool, y’know? Like my aunt was a chaplain, literally the only person in my family who ever kept in regular contact and like, made a point to check on how I was doing and shit and like...idk, loved me, is I guess the word to use? LMFAO. But like....yeah, she was the only relative I actually felt valued by, and thus the only one I really had anything like a regular or ongoing relationship with....*shrugs* So like yeah, whatever. She believed things that I don’t necessarily NOT believe, but more just have never felt a need to explore or try and decide just WHAT exactly I believe or put a name or a description to it.

And I’ve never been someone who sees signs in stuff that happens, nooooooot a fan of fate or destiny as a general concept and like....I’ve got no problem believing that things like ghosts or demons or anything like that could exist, y’know, things that just can’t be explained by science or anything near to our current understanding of reality at least....I’ve just never had anything remotely close to something I would describe as an encounter with the supernatural, or demonic or divine or anything really...spiritual, I guess?

So.....I don’t know what to feel about this, lol. Like, I’m trying not to read anything into it, like y’know....a sign, haha, not because I wouldn’t like to think that my aunt is still looking out for me in some way, I guess, maybe? Like, of course I’d like to think that, I miss her. A lot. And actually have been randomly thinking about her a bunch lately, like at weird times like, I don’t know what it is that made me stop and think of her, my thoughts go there? So I mean....I’m just saying....it wouldn’t break my brain or upend my entire worldview to accept that could actually happen or be a thing, its more just that I’ve gotten my hopes up so many damn times this past year in specific, that I’m just like....I cant afford to pin my hopes on THIS, like that this is ‘a sign’ that this time, its going to work out? But at the same time, its SO FUCKING SPECIFIC a connection like, and in such a WEIRD fucking round about way, that its pretty much impossible NOT to try and read something into it? Like, the guy who replaced her never even MET her, she’s literally just the woman who had his office before him and well. Is probably just remembered as a depressing story around the hospital, to be totally honest, cuz like, there’s not a lot of follow up that tends to happen when you ask so what happened to her and the answer is well, she killed herself, y’know?

So its like, how do you not get your hopes up even just a little bit, from thinking about that......which I figure means, oops, further to fall and crash and burn if this lead fizzles out too and I got my hopes up for nothing, but if it does pan out, like....I guess that’s kinda the point of faith in a higher power in the first place, lol, to hope for better or believe that there’s a point to all this or a place this all is headed, idk.

But then also now I just fucking miss her too, like, even more than usual, and thinking the shit I’ve tried really really really goddamn hard not to think about for the past two years, like how I know she had her own mental health struggles and even physical health issues, and I know better than to fucking blame her and yet there’s that part of me that wants to fucking throw a tantrum about how i need her and how could she leave me alone with just the rest of my useless fucking joke of a family, but then there’s the other part of me that’s like well I obviously wasn’t the help she needed either, so its not like I’ve got any right to think I was owed her presence or help or anything like that, its just. Idk. I miss her. I need her. I love her, like there’s so many things I want to tell her that I never got the chance to because I didn’t just fucking take the chances I had when they were actually available and there are so many more things I wish she’d told me, and just. I knew she cared, at least. No matter how detached I felt from the rest of my family or just like...fuck family in general, lol, she was the one person there who I never doubted like...just cared. About me. Gave a shit, showed up, wanted me to actually be happy and wanted that to look like whatever I wanted it to look like, didn’t give a fuck what other people thought my happiness should look like or require.

And its just like, maybe this is just a really weird, strange, major coincidence or maybe its a sign of something or proof of something and maybe it doesn’t even matter, bc like...I was just gonna say that its not like I even NEED the answers or to know, but like lol, dumbass, the fact that I’m actually asking the questions or getting worked up over whether or not I actually believe this means something or I just WANT to believe it means something, like, would tend to suggest I’m shitting myself and I DO actually want the answers which suggests maybe I’m not actually as agnostic or at least not comfortable with being agnostic as I’ve told myself, which....oh fucking hell. Am I having an existential crisis? Is that what this is? Jfc I better not be having a fucking spiritual awakening or whatever the fuck, like that is not what I need, this is NOT the time for that, literally nobody asked and I should know, Ive been here the whole time and nope nope nope this guy is not your ‘but the real salvation came from finding strength and purpose in something greater than myself in my most dire time of need’ narrative or whatever like I FUCKING REFUSE, my belief system can go to the BACK OF THE LINE until I’m good and ready to deal with it on MY time, I didn’t sign on to do a rewrite of some modernized Book of Job shit, literally any other thought in my brain is invited to step the fuck right up because THANK YOU, NEXT, I just willingly made an Ariana Grande reference because I can think of nothing more suitably over the top dramatic short of tossing my hair which is much too short to toss but again I insist nooooooooooooooope.

Like, love you and miss you Aunt Diane, and if that is you looking out for me plz know I’m very grateful even tho it totally doesn’t sound like it, but like, you know me well enough to know that I like....object to this timing and context on principle, WHICH YES HELLO I AM AWARE SOUNDS FUCKING STUPID NOW THAT IM TYPING IT OUT YET IT PERSISTS SO LIKE WHATEVER AND STUFF....just. I am me, and thus I shall super gratefully take like....just a smidgen of hope and optimism or whatever from this offering so like, I don’t want to be RUDE, but then Im gonna put the rest of it back in its box and shove it alllll the way to the back of my Pressing Priorities and unpack all that at a very fucking much later date, thank you ever so much, because like....I gotta be me, and I have been partners in crime with my Cynicism for way too long to just bail on him now, like, what kind of person would I be if I just cut and run on the anthropomorphized negative outlook that has helped see me through life oh so jadedly until now? 

Ugh wtf, why am I like this, is it free will or is it God or is God even real or did Cthulu eat god or is God’s actual name Sonya and like I have no clue where I’m going with any of this, look the answer is obviously that a faithless blasphemous heretical fucker has phone calls to make today, and nobody’s finding the light here, nope, nope, NOOOOOPE, my motel’s one shitty lightbulb works GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

[shinwhoohoo]

briiiitt ignore this if you dont wanna talk about it lmao,, but ive been thinking about jinyoung a lot lately and like, preface: i love jinyoung and i want him to succeed. but i feel like he used b1a4 as a stepping stone for his own solo career and idk how i feel about that. it makes me doubt and wonder every time i see old b1a4 vids, considering how he hasn't seemed to keep in contact with A3 at all. like, was it real? or was b1a4 the most convenient option for him at the time??gaaah, help lol

omg no you can always vent to me I don’t mind at all!!!

I feel that this is the main point of contention that a good majority of us have when discussing our issues about Jinyoung leaving– what he did (leave the group/company to join a new company that we still have no idea how big of a role he played in its formulation, and to have complete artistic control of his career) vs. what he always said (no need to worry about the 7-year-jinx, B1A4 is one, and of course most recently, that he hasn’t technically ‘left’ the group).

How are we, as fans who cared and supported him always, supposed to make any kind of sense of this when it’s so seemingly hypocritical?

I can’t say that I ever felt specifically what you address here though, that being Jinyoung using the group for his own solo career/convenience. At least, I don’t feel like this was true for a good majority of his time with them. But, and here’s where my biggest point of confusion was in writing my word vomit megapost about it, I feel that there was some very obvious shift in Jinyoung’s mindset towards him as a potential solo star vs. him as B1A4′s member and leader– I just couldn’t find an exact time point where this may have occurred, since it’s not like he acted any different; and again, if anything, he went above and beyond to reassure us nothing was wrong.

I had estimated in the megapost that this ‘shift’ in his mindset could have occurred during his shot to (more) popularity for his ‘Moonlight’ role and producing role in Produce 101. And, relating this back to your point, this may have also been when he started using B1A4 more as a ‘prop’ to boost his own name. It’s certainly possible.

That being said, I truly don’t believe he came into this group, this company back in 2010 when he was scouted to use it/the members for his own gain. And I don’t think his relationships were fake; if anything, this point seems all the more true because of how upset A3 were about it.

While Jinyoung was always ambitious and always wanted to shine on his own right (I do think, even from day one, he enjoyed the extra boost being leader gave him, as well as the recognition of composing the group’s songs), I also feel that he took this role as leader and composer for the group very seriously and genuinely– I really do think that (at least up to a certain point in time, maybe again around that mid-2016 time point), B1A4 was THE most important thing to him. I truly do. But again, I think it was always in the back of his mind to try and break out (in some form or another– though certainly not necessarily as a solo artist that early on) and shine.

Blegh. Jinyoung’s case is so complicated, which is why I feel so many of us are struggling with is vs. Baro’s. I’m gonna try now and actually make sense of my feelings (and possibly what we may all be thinking) of what really went down with Jinyoung:

Basically, I think Jinyoung was born with the inherit want to be known. He always had the drive and ambition, which is what brought him to Seoul after he was scouted online. But, I think at that time he also probably just felt so lucky he was scouted by some unknown company to join some unknown boy group, that this was the most important thing to him; and when he took the role as leader when they debuted, it was a genuine want for them all to do well and succeed. However, as the years passed and he got more of a taste of popularity, in addition to dealing with the issues of WM that I listed in the megapost, his loyalties may have faltered and his wish to just be in a successful group shifted to being a successful solo artist/actor. So… why continue to spout all the ‘OT5 forever’ nonsense… I can only guess that, as leader, he honestly felt that this was the best way to go about it, basically keeping the fans happy for the time being, even though he obviously got to a point himself where he knew this wasn’t true. In my opinion, it would have been the better choice to just have said nothing, to stop saying it in other words. But of course, I’m sure that would have been something we as fans would have picked up on, so I guess even though I can’t say I agree with his choice of continuing to say such things up until their 7th anniversary, I also need to admit that I can understand the choice. And it’s important to also add that I don’t think it was a malicious choice, but one he thought was done out of necessity for the rest of the members/fandom.

And… wow word vomiting again, sorry. But honestly, I think that’s all it really comes down to with Jinyoung– a shift in mindset that he didn’t want to come out and say prior to him leaving in fear of the fandom crumbling.

Feel free to share your thoughts, this goes for everyone reading of course~