#but said depression + adhd makes the process impossible

[kelpeigh]

The need to get a better job that pays a livable wage

versus

The instant tailspin into cataclysmic despair into which I’m thrown upon merely opening job listing sites

[rum-and-shattered-dreams]

A rant of personal experiences and trying to do something positive with them:

Okay so procrastination is a huge thing in ADHD. Same with memory issues. (Not that these are always present and maybe some people experience both without being ADHD).

So. Here’s an experience I’m just now (at almost 40) realizing was a thing:

Imagine a huge essay/report/project requiring a lot of research and several sources was due in a few weeks. The advice was always to break it down, take notes, and make an outline. It made perfect sense. And maybe it does help some or even most people.

But for some, like me, it was still impossibly overwhelming and breaking it down was worse. The project was often boring (especially if I had to ignore a hyperfixation to work on it) and even if it wasn’t, it still felt like A LOT when my brain was full of TV static and my memory was shit.

It takes a ton of repetition for me to even temporarily remember something and even then, it will likely be gone again in a few days. UNLESS I learn by actually doing something or figuring it out for myself. And my brain gaslights itself like “do I remember that right? No that can’t be right. Let me look it up for the 100th time to make sure.” And I’m WAY more likely to remember concepts or physical processes but completely forget the terms for them or names of things or important dates EVEN FOR MY HYPERFIXATIONS, damnit... Like, I can do a bunch of crafty stuff and even remember some common terms and items but not the less common fabrics or stitch types or tool names. (Yet somehow I could remember the exact location of hundreds of thousands of items of inventory at my craft store job... even if I didn’t know what they were called. But I stocked them and had physical contact with them so I could picture where they were.) The number one overwhelming thing for me about trying to be a pro at anything is trying to remember terms so it sounds like I know what I’m talking about.

Anyway...

Without acknowledging that, I ended up wasting time by trying to schedule research/work in small chunks because every time I stopped then tried to start again, I wouldn’t remember what I did or looked at last time. (Can I also add that this is why being interrupted is infuriating for me? It probably seems irrational to other people but it’s so hard to get focused on something and now my train of thought is derailed, passengers are dead and injured, and it’s going to take who knows how long to revive the survivors?) And maybe that wasn’t so bad the first time because I’d only have to reread one page of notes. But then it would happen a few more times and my focus would be blurred and I’d repeated myself multiple times in the notes and they’d become a mess and look horrible which was distracting and I’d feel overwhelmed by having to reread and now rewrite several pages and focus would be even worse because I did remember some bits and blanked out while looking at those then stay blanked out then I’d have to reread again to catch the parts I didn’t remember.

But.

If I waited until the last minute, when the consequence/reward system overrode how overwhelming or boring the project was, I could burn through it because I was in constant contact with the material and it was all currently on my mind and I could skip writing notes and an outline and go straight to a fairly decent flow-state draft then keep going through revisions and editing all without forgetting WTF I’d researched. And it would be done in so so so much less time with a lot less effort and frustration.

And...

AND

And then there’s the schedule thing and why it DOES NOT WORK for me. If I schedule doing something (or even if someone suddenly wants me to do something right now) and my brain is like, “nah sorry, just static right now,” there’s absolutely nothing I can do to make it work and I’m just going to get frustrated and tired and depressed and discouraged. But if I keep a loose list of things that need to get done and indicate which are priorities, I can look at it and say “yeah. This one seems doable right now.” No I’m not going to get up and vacuum that spot of cat litter at this exact moment but it’s a good idea to do it soon so I’ll add vacuum to the list and probably get it done later the same day. If the cat throws up, that is an immediate priority so I will get up and make sure they’re okay and clean it because my brain does actually recognize things like that as super important. If a bill arrives in the mail, I’ll stop and pay it right away because I know I don’t have to think/worry about it again if I do. But what sucks about that is that society wants and often understandably needs people to work on a schedule. And I just... can’t.

But I’m trying to take this knowledge and apply it, trying to accept that this is how I function. I function based on a system of priorities that get done in order of “absolutely must be done right this second, whether for my own reasons or outside reasons, even if I need to drop other things” to “this is what I CAN do right now.” Not something pre-scheduled. If I need to leave something to the last minute then I’m just going to accept that that’s how it’s going to be and that’s okay. Then I can free up energy and space to do other things in the meantime rather than worry and be anxious and beat myself up because I should be doing the thing and end up hating things I like doing because they’re not what I should be doing and now there’s a negative association with them. No. Screw that. If all I can do today is play a video game then fine. Gonna enjoy it. Because I now know for a fact, from years of experience, that I will do the important things. They just need to wait until I’m capable of doing them. And... if I let myself stop worrying about old WIPs... They get done eventually too. It might take a few years but as long as I don’t actually decide not to do them, they will get done.

All that said... I still want to look into meds because it would be nice to have more of an ability to focus more regularly. I just need to clear up some other medical stuff first and I’ve got appointments already set up for that.

One more thing... I f$&#ing hate the attitude teachers have about doodling in class. It was literally the only way I could focus during lectures and remember anything they were talking about. I could look at what I drew and remember what was being said while I drew it. F$&% every teacher who took away my notebooks or yelled at me for it. Without it, I’d zone out completely. And THANK YOU to the art history teacher and biology teachers I had who not only understood but encouraged it and actually helped me direct it toward the subject matter by suggesting drawing thumbnails of the art or cell structure or anatomy.

[wutbju]

So there’s no copy of Berger’s dissertation easily available. 

But . . . he does love to talk about it is faux-expertise, so guess what? We can pretty much see what he said.

Local “biblical” “counselor,” Rick Thomas featured Berger’s new expertise on his site. Here are 20 “facts” to know about ADHD from BJU-trained Doctorate in Pastoral Theology (not chemistry, not pharmacology, not psychology) (bolded words are mine and are either ironic or abusive):

The first official label in 1902 was “a morbid defect in moral control” (MDMC), since childlike behavior was socially viewed as a moral issue and not as a medical problem. Words like “bad” are not used to describe a child’s behavior now. Instead, terms like “maladaptive” are the more popular description of a child’s poor and impairing behavior.

ADHD is best described as a subjective social construct that describes 18 undesirable-impairing-normal-childish behaviors and attempts to frame them as a disorder subjectively.

Every behavior listed in the DSM-5 begins with the word “often” to ensure that even the “symptoms” (the 18 behaviors) of ADHD are subjective and based on a person’s opinion. The acceptance of ADHD by many as objective, though it is entirely subjective, works by psychiatrists propagation of a logical fallacy. The American Psychiatric Association has convinced millions that they are experts on alleged abnormalities (such as ADHD) without ever establishing a standard of normalcy.

Not only is the DSM-5 construct subjective, but there is also no valid or reliable means to measure or diagnose a subjective social construct such as ADHD is. Only a person’s personal judgment based upon their observation or another’s testimony is required. When someone says that they “have ADHD,” they are merely stating that they behave in such a way that causes them or their authorities distress. ADHD equals behavior.

Since ADHD is subjective and entirely fluid, it is regularly impossible to win or lose an argument about ADHD. Making matters worse, people label many children under the subcategory of ADHD entitled as “Not Otherwise Specified (NOS),” which determines that children do not even need to meet the subjective listed criteria in the DSM-5 for a diagnosis of ADHD. Children need to be misbehaving in a way that a clinician feels it impairs or distresses the child or his family. This subjectivity regularly leads to clinicians overlooking authentic objective problems that the child may have.

Not all of the 18 behaviors listed as supposed symptoms of ADHD are moral in nature. Some actions, such as “often forgets things of importance,” are normal childlike (and adult-like) amoral behaviors. Others, such as “often gets out of his seat when expected to remain seated” is direct disobedience and not hyperactivity as it is listed in the DSM-5. Because ADHD is subjective, some kids who are diagnosed as having the construct are not sleeping well at night, whereas others are rebellious at heart. It is not fair, therefore, to make blanket statements about the spiritual condition of all children who have been stigmatized with the ADHD label or suggest that ADHD is just a parenting problem. In some cases, that is true, but in other cases—because ADHD is so subjective—a child could have a physical sickness that has been undiagnosed (e.g., ASD).

ADHD does not describe an inability to pay attention; the construct describes a problem of misplaced or immature interest/values. The child labeled can play video games for hours at a time without losing focus. The problem is not an inability to pay attention, but rather, it is a problem of misplaced attention. Attention is naturally a reflection of a person’s values/desires.

The construct of ADHD assumes that healthy children have self-control rather than needing to be taught self-control and trained by the Holy Spirit. The default position of all children is to be like a city without walls that is open to destruction. Only by learning self-control can a child be successful.

Hyperactivity is another name for high energy, which exposes another subjective aspect of the syndrome: “normal” energy levels do not exist from which to suggest a standard let alone to discern alleged deviances. When a person becomes a parent, individuals view his high energy as an asset not as a determinant like when he was a child. Who doesn’t want higher levels of energy? The most successful people in professional sports, in academia, and commerce are often the most energetic. High energy is only viewed as a disorder or impairment when it disrupts an academic setting, causes distress, or hinders success. But such is the result of a lack of self-control and not a problem of high energy.

Unlike the construct of ADHD, when a child has a genuine physical impairment that hinders giving attention (e.g., ASD), he does not selectively offer attention (e.g., the child labeled as ADHD can memorize lines from his favorite movies but not math formulas). In ASD, attentional problems can be observed in all aspects of life and not just those that are not of interest to the child.

ADHD depends on the perspective that “normal children” inherently offer their attention to their authority in a productive way and that children naturally know how and to what to give their attention. These vital lessons are not inherent to the child, and a cursory overview of the book of Proverbs reveals that teaching a child how to pay attention correctly and to what to give his attention are priority number one for the parent/sage.

Research/statistics regularly reveal that many children who are labeled and stigmatized as having ADHD struggle with dyslexia, reading comprehension, are enduring familial problems at home (e.g., divorce, neglect, and abuse), and are sometimes autistic (they have a misdiagnosis of ADHD). They act out further because they are misunderstood, hurting, stigmatized with a psychiatric label that categorizes them as abnormal, and have lost motivation thinking that no hope exists for them.

If ADHD were a valid physical disease with biological markers and an objective etiology, the child could grow out of it according to the DSM-5. The construct of ADHD is listed as a “neurodevelopmental disorder” in the DSM-5, which means that children are merely developing slower than their peers. This type of child was once called a “late-bloomer,” but now late-bloomers are looked at as disordered or degenerated children. If children are late bloomers, they can and will mature with loving direction and the learning of self-control. Through repetition and maturity in desires and pursuits, a child’s brain will conform to the patterns of thinking and behaving he or an authority establishes in his life. When you view a child as normal, this process is called education. When a child is considered disordered, abnormal, or neurologically damaged, this same process is called neuroplasticity. The answer is the same.

Performance enhancing drugs (psychostimulants; e.g., Ritalin and Adderall) that are framed as medicines do not fix an alleged malfunction or balance out neurochemicals. Instead, these powerfully addictive drugs attack the nervous system to produce their effects. Behavioral changes due to the impact of powerful psychostimulants do not prove that ADHD is a valid construct; The results reveal that the drug action of psychostimulants is to stimulate and thus to enhance performance. This reality is why psychostimulants are forbidden in most competitive sports.

Whether labeled or not, taking psychostimulants will enhance a person’s academic and athletic performance, which is why they are one of the most widely abused prescription drugs in America and regularly referred to as “Kiddie Cocaine.”

Psychostimulants regularly cause insomnia, which is known to atrophy the prefrontal lobes and cause attentional problems. Sadly, the child’s alleged problem that these drugs are marketed to correct is to heal the prefrontal lobes where ADHD is supposed to one day be found. The evidence shows, however, that a large portion of children started on psychostimulants end up addicted to the prescribed drugs’ illicit counterparts (e.g., cocaine and meth) later in life. There is also mounting evidence that keeping children on an artificial high produced by psychostimulants causes them to be diagnosed as depressed, psychotic, and manic later in life. These drugs are not healing agents but neurodegenerative drugs. One must ask why a neurodegenerative drug that blocks the healthy function of the nervous system is being given to children who allegedly have a neurodevelopmental problem.

No medical degree, knowledge of biology, or classes in neuroscience are required to diagnose ADHD, as it is a matter of recognizing behavior according to the APA’s standard rather than discovering a disease. This fact exists because there is no physical cause to the construct of ADHD; “No biological marker is diagnostic for ADHD” (DSM-5, 61). Parents, school counselors, behavioral therapists, and teachers—those without medical degrees—typically diagnose ADHD within social contexts, exposing ADHD to be a social construct and not a valid biological disorder. Teachers usually diagnose ADHD according to the child’s behavior (often on a behavioral scale and according to their perspective) and regularly initiate encouraging parents to have their children checked out.

More than not, children labeled as ADHD will become defiant toward their authority and labeled as having ODD. This kind of person is precisely the pattern of the biblical fool that Proverbs warns. When the simpleton becomes a natural fool, he is headed toward becoming a scorner. Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) does not describe a disease, but the natural digression of a child being told he only has to listen to himself and is not responsible for his actions.

Many of the behaviors listed as alleged symptoms in the secular construct of ADHD are in Proverbs as being ordinary foolishness. Scripture understands that poor behavior is the expected activity of the natural fool: “Like a dog that returns to his vomit is a fool who repeats his folly” (Proverbs 26:11). According to Scripture, fools should be expected to repeat their bad behavior.

To deny the secular construct of ADHD as legitimate is not to deny that a child has behavioral problems. Instead, it is to reject the secular attempt to reframe human nature apart from God’s wisdom, and in the process, it is to establish God’s Word as the proper authority and provide hope for these precious children and their families. Proverbs 20:11 exposes that all approaches to a child’s behavior require a presuppositional moral system: “Even a child makes himself known by his acts, by whether his conduct is pure and upright.” People have the freedom to choose which authority to place their faith in discerning children’s behavior. Nonetheless, everyone is judging or diagnosing children by a moral system that evaluates their behavior. ADHD represents the most popular secular moral system currently available.

The summary of Berger’s dissertation, then, is this: I, an untrained person, don’t understand the chemistry or neurology or psychology behind the ADHD diagnosis; therefore, it doesn’t exist. But Proverbs does.

And like a good BJU-trained “pastor,” Berger ends with a sales pitch:

For more information on the construct of ADHD and to see supporting evidence, please purchase my book, The Truth about ADHD, and you may chat with me here.

That’s BJU in a nutshell: Cast stones at something you don’t understand, tout your faux-expertise, and sell your wares. 

Is there any difference among BJU, Scientology, or the latest MLM?

[nightmaresorpromises]

🍄✨💐

OKAY THIS GOT REALLY LONG BC I FEEL THE NEED TO EXPLAIN MYSELF SO LIKE IM SORRY LMFAO. Also pls no one yell at me I’m just saying how I feel and what I think, I recognize that everyone will have different views/opinions/experiences and that I can only speak based on my own. I am not a doctor

🍄: do you support self diagnosis?

This is kind of a difficult question, I know most people hate the self diagnosis stuff, but personally I think their are certain mental health issues that you can become aware of without a medical diagnosis.

That being said, many mental health issues and disorders are incredibly complex and I think those DO need a medical diagnosis, especially since from what I understand a lot of disorders can mimic and or cause symptoms of other ones.

So for me personally, my eating disorder, anxiety, and depression (which I honestly don’t call that I just say I’m depressed bc I’m not medically diagnosed?) are all self diagnosed, but I’ve seen myself develop my eating disorder and was willing to die for it, I frequently have anxiety attacks to the point I feel like I’m going to faint and I can’t breathe, I’m terrified to order my own food sometimes because of the social interaction, and I’m borderline suicidal and struggle with self harm as a result. So like? I feel, I don’t want to say justified because that sounds kind of wrong, but I feel okay in going “I have these issues, and this is what I struggle with”

but I don’t think I’d ever self diagnose with something complex like bi polar disorder, borderline personality disorder etc, because those are much harder in my eyes to determine, or understand without a medical diagnosis. (Obviously that’s just my opinion and example as someone who A.) doesn’t have the option to get medically diagnosed regarding my mental health issues and B.) who has never struggled with any of those disorders or known anyone who does.)

So like? I’m definitely not pro “identify with whatever mental health issue you have a symptom of!” But I also think to an extent individuals who struggle with their mental health can have enough sense to go okay, this is my life, this isn’t healthy or normal, I’m struggle with these things so maybe I’m dealing with anxiety, or whatever else.

But I understand the frustration around self diagnosis because you obviously have ignorant people going “omg lol I can’t focus on this thing I totally have adhd or add” or “lol I got so angry out of nowhere! Clearly I’m bi-polar” and like... I won’t even get into that. *facepalms*

💐: do you believe in recovery?

This is hard for me. I guess yes and no.

Yes because sure there are things you can overcome, and recover from like addiction, and eating disorders, and there are things you can treat like depression and other mental illnesses,

But no because (pessimistic bitch over here sorry) at the end of the day you’ll still struggle with those things. So you can get better at coping, you can get treatment, but even for me personally now that I’m no longer restricting my food unhealthy, and I’m not terrified of food, I still get ED thoughts, I still get triggered. Like the mental health issue is always going to be in the background of your mind and you’re still going to have to deal with it, even if the strain isn’t as harsh because you’ve gotten better and developed a healthier way to handle it.

So I guess that depends on your definition of recovery. Of course I believe in getting better, and not having your issues hit you as harshly even if they still lurk in your mind.

But, part of me despises the fact that a lot of those issues are still gonna lurk. (I guess I don’t believe in being “totally cured!” Or whatever ? Idk)

But that’s just my take on it, everyone’s different and everyone’s issues are different. And obviously getting better through treatment and developing better coping mechanisms and whatever else can greatly help you and ease your struggles. So it gets easier, and I guess that’s what recovery is supposed to be about. Getting better even if you aren’t “cured”

✨: do you have any advice to others (especially young people) about how to recover?

Oh god. Okay so like, as someone who hit rock bottom at like 15 emotionally I think one of the biggest things is you have to want to recover.

And to a lot of people that sounds obvious but it got to a point where I, and a lot of my friends who struggled with their mental health stopped wanting to get better.

If you’re going to recover, you need to want it. Not necessarily be ready, because you might never feel “ready” it’s a huge jump, but you have to WANT it. Or else no help or advice will ever reach you, and you won’t give an honest try to do whatever it is you need personally to recover.

2.) you have to be willing to change in whatever ways are possible and necessary, because obviously there are things such as living situations that you might not be able to change giving your situation. But the things you can change like how you respond to situations, who and what you surround yourself with (social media, toxic friends, toxic online communities etc) you have to be willing to cut those out.

And obviously, that’s easier said then done, especially when you may already feel alone and like cutting them off will only add to that lonliness, but guys, you have to do it. And I know it’ll be hard at first but getting rid of those toxic relationships will lift a weight off of your shoulders and I promise you will make new friends. Shit like that happens when you least expect it and it’s annoying and weird and dumb. But cut out that toxic shit in your life.

Overall change though, if you don’t like the way you treat people take a step back and go “okay why do I react this way? Why do I treat people this way?” And don’t beat yourself up about it, don’t attack yourself seek to understand it, and that will enable you to then go, “okay how I respond isn’t fair, how can I change that?” And that goes for how you treat yourself too. If you can change those negative thoughts, behaviors and treatment to both yourself and others it will help your mental state a lot.

3.) patience and understanding I guess? I’m sure there’s a lot of feeling like you might be a horrible person out there, a lot of anger and pent up frustration with yourself and the world because of all the shit you’ve had to deal with and like, those feelings are justified, but you should also be patient with yourself and understand that people do stupid, cruel, fucked up shit. We make mistakes, we treat people kinda poorly, but don’t destroy yourself over it.

Understand or seek to understand why x y z is happening and use that to do what you can to change the situation, even if it’s scary or hard. You can regret actions, but regretting them forever won’t help you grow or get better it’ll only make you sink ya know? So like, accept how you’re feeling, but don’t succumb to it, and work to change the negative behaviors or energies that surround you.

Oh my god okay 4, and like SUPER FUCKING IMPORTANT. DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF TO ANYONE. Stop IT. NO ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Where you are is based on your own path, and you’re on your clock not anyone else’s. Everyone has so many different experiences it’s impossible and not fair to sit and judge yourself based on someone else’s capabilities.

Because we all have different experiences while you may be struggling to learn how to respond or handle social situations, which might be something others know how to do, those same people might be struggle to process grief and loss, which maybe you experienced already and learned how to handle.

(Idk if that makes sense,) but basically like, you’re where you need to be in life and you’re learning what you need to learn when you need to learn it. We aren’t all on the same track. Some of us are learning things our friends learned at sixteen, some of us are working towards things 35 year olds haven’t gotten to yet. Everyone is different and because of that we are going to have different experiences. Different bodies, different personalities, different struggles

And that’s OKAY that’s how we’re supposed to be

(Thanks for coming to my I just woke up and chugged coffee ted talk. Obviously take everything I say with some salt, those are just my opinions and views and I understand that they won’t be helpful or apply to everyone and their situation. I’m just trying to explain how I see or feel about things given my life. Obv I’m not a doctor or anything I’m just a college student no one come for me thank you I’m sorry have a nice day)

[moodboardinthecloud]

Your ‘Surge Capacity’ Is Depleted — It’s Why You Feel Awful

Here’s how to pull yourself out of despair and live your life

Tara Haelle

Aug 16·13 min read

https://elemental.medium.com/your-surge-capacity-is-depleted-it-s-why-you-feel-awful-de285d542f4c

Itwas the end of the world as we knew it, and I felt fine. That’s almost exactly what I told my psychiatrist at my March 16 appointment, a few days after our children’s school district extended spring break because of the coronavirus. I said the same at my April 27 appointment, several weeks after our state’s stay-at-home order.

Yes, it was exhausting having a kindergartener and fourth grader doing impromptu distance learning while I was barely keeping up with work. And it was frustrating to be stuck home nonstop, scrambling to get in grocery delivery orders before slots filled up, and tracking down toilet paper. But I was still doing well because I thrive in high-stress emergency situations. It’s exhilarating for my ADHD brain. As just one example, when my husband and I were stranded in Peru during an 8.0-magnitude earthquake that killed thousands, we walked around with a first aid kit helping who we could and tracking down water and food. Then I went out with my camera to document the devastation as a photojournalist and interview Peruvians in my broken Spanish for my hometown paper.

Now we were in a pandemic, and I’m a science journalist who has written about infectious disease and medical research for nearly a decade. I was on fire, cranking out stories, explaining epidemiological concepts in my social networks, trying to help everyone around me make sense of the frightening circumstances of a pandemic and the anxiety surrounding the virus.

I knew it wouldn’t last. It never does. But even knowing I would eventually crash, I didn’t appreciate how hard the crash would be, or how long it would last, or how hard it would be to try to get back up over and over again, or what getting up even looked like.

Psychiatrist and habit change specialist Dr. Jud Brewer explains how anxiety masquerades as helpfulelemental.medium.com

How to Live When Your Mind Is Governed by Fear

In those early months, I, along with most of the rest of the country, was using “surge capacity” to operate, as Ann Masten, PhD, a psychologist and professor of child development at the University of Minnesota, calls it. Surge capacity is a collection of adaptive systems — mental and physical — that humans draw on for short-term survival in acutely stressful situations, such as natural disasters. But natural disasters occur over a short period, even if recovery is long. Pandemics are different — the disaster itself stretches out indefinitely.

“The pandemic has demonstrated both what we can do with surge capacity and the limits of surge capacity,” says Masten. When it’s depleted, it has to be renewed. But what happens when you struggle to renew it because the emergency phase has now become chronic?

By my May 26 psychiatrist appointment, I wasn’t doing so hot. I couldn’t get any work done. I’d grown sick of Zoom meetups. It was exhausting and impossible to think with the kids around all day. I felt trapped in a home that felt as much a prison as a haven. I tried to conjure the motivation to check email, outline a story, or review interview notes, but I couldn’t focus. I couldn’t make myself do anything — work, housework, exercise, play with the kids — for that whole week.

Or the next.

Or the next.

Or the next.

I know depression, but this wasn’t quite that. It was, as I’d soon describe in an emotional post in a social media group of professional colleagues, an “anxiety-tainted depression mixed with ennui that I can’t kick,” along with a complete inability to concentrate. I spoke with my therapist, tweaked medication dosages, went outside daily for fresh air and sunlight, tried to force myself to do some physical activity, and even gave myself permission to mope for a few weeks. We were in a pandemic, after all, and I had already accepted in March that life would not be “normal” for at least a year or two. But I still couldn’t work, couldn’t focus, hadn’t adjusted. Shouldn’t I be used to this by now?

“Why do you think you should be used to this by now? We’re all beginners at this,” Masten told me. “This is a once in a lifetime experience. It’s expecting a lot to think we’d be managing this really well.”

It wasn’t until my social media post elicited similar responses from dozens of high-achieving, competent, impressive women I professionally admire that I realized I wasn’t in the minority. My experience was a universal and deeply human one.

An unprecedented disaster

While the phrase “adjusting to the new normal” has been repeated endlessly since March, it’s easier said than done. How do you adjust to an ever-changing situation where the “new normal” is indefinite uncertainty?

“This is an unprecedented disaster for most of us that is profound in its impact on our daily lives,” says Masten. But it’s different from a hurricane or tornado where you can look outside and see the damage. The destruction is, for most people, invisible and ongoing. So many systems aren’t working as they normally do right now, which means radical shifts in work, school, and home life that almost none of us have experience with. Even those who have worked in disaster recovery or served in the military are facing a different kind of uncertainty right now.

Americans are faced with more risk than ever. Understanding how the brain navigates this new reality can build…elemental.medium.com

Life Is Now a Game of Risk. Here’s How Your Brain Is Processing It.

“I think we maybe underestimate how severe the adversity is and that people may be experiencing a normal reaction to a pretty severe and ongoing, unfolding, cascading disaster,” Masten says. “It’s important to recognize that it’s normal in a situation of great uncertainty and chronic stress to get exhausted and to feel ups and downs, to feel like you’re depleted or experience periods of burnout.”

Research on disaster and trauma focuses primarily on what’s helpful for people during the recovery period, but we’re not close to recovery yet. People can use their surge capacity for acute periods, but when dire circumstances drag on, Masten says, “you have to adopt a different style of coping.”

“How do you adjust to an ever-changing situation where the ‘new normal’ is indefinite uncertainty?”

Understanding ambiguous loss

It’s not surprising that, as a lifelong overachiever, I’ve felt particularly despondent and adrift as the months have dragged on, says Pauline Boss, PhD, a family therapist and professor emeritus of social sciences at the University of Minnesota who specializes in “ambiguous loss.”

“It’s harder for high achievers,” she says. “The more accustomed you are to solving problems, to getting things done, to having a routine, the harder it will be on you because none of that is possible right now. You get feelings of hopelessness and helplessness, and those aren’t good.”

That’s similar to how Michael Maddaus, MD, a professor of thoracic surgery at the University of Minnesota, felt when he became addicted to prescription narcotics after undergoing several surgeries. Now recovered and a motivational speaker who promotes the idea of a “resilience bank account,” Maddaus had always been a fast-moving high achiever — until he couldn’t be.

“I realized that my personal operating system, though it had led to tremendous success, had failed me on a more personal level,” he says. “I had to figure out a different way of contending with life.”

That mindset is an especially American one, Boss says.

“Our culture is very solution-oriented, which is a good way of thinking for many things,” she says. “It’s partly responsible for getting a man on the moon and a rover on Mars and all the things we’ve done in this country that are wonderful. But it’s a very destructive way of thinking when you’re faced with a problem that has no solution, at least for a while.”

That means reckoning with what’s called ambiguous loss: any loss that’s unclear and lacks a resolution. It can be physical, such as a missing person or the loss of a limb or organ, or psychological, such as a family member with dementia or a serious addiction.

“In this case, it is a loss of a way of life, of the ability to meet up with your friends and extended family,” Boss says. “It is perhaps a loss of trust in our government. It’s the loss of our freedom to move about in our daily life as we used to.” It’s also the loss of high-quality education, or the overall educational experience we’re used to, given school closures, modified openings and virtual schooling. It’s the loss of rituals, such weddings, graduations, and funerals, and even lesser “rituals,” such as going to gym. One of the toughest losses for me to adapt to is no longer doing my research and writing in coffee shops as I’ve done for most of my life, dating back to junior high.

“These were all things we were attached to and fond of, and they’re gone right now, so the loss is ambiguous. It’s not a death, but it’s a major, major loss,” says Boss. “What we used to have has been taken away from us.”

Just as painful are losses that may result from the intersection of the pandemic and the already tense political division in the country. For many people, issues related to Covid-19 have become the last straw in ending relationships, whether it’s a family member refusing to wear a mask, a friend promoting the latest conspiracy theory, or a co-worker insisting Covid-19 deaths are exaggerated.

Ambiguous loss elicits the same experiences of grief as a more tangible loss — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance — but managing it often requires a bit of creativity.

A winding, uncharted path to coping in a pandemic

While there isn’t a handbook for functioning during a pandemic, Masten, Boss, and Maddaus offered some wisdom for meandering our way through this.

Accept that life is different right now

Maddaus’ approach involves radical acceptance. “It’s a shitty time, it’s hard,” he says. “You have to accept that in your bones and be okay with this as a tough day, with ‘that’s the way it is,’ and accept that as a baseline.”

But that acceptance doesn’t mean giving up, he says. It means not resisting or fighting reality so that you can apply your energy elsewhere. “It allows you to step into a more spacious mental space that allows you to do things that are constructive instead of being mired in a state of psychological self torment.”

Expect less from yourself

Most of us have heard for most of our lives to expect more from ourselves in some way or another. Now we must give ourselves permission to do the opposite. “We have to expect less of ourselves, and we have to replenish more,” Masten says. “I think we’re in a period of a lot of self discovery: Where do I get my energy? What kind of down time do I need? That’s all shifted right now, and it may take some reflection and self discovery to find out what rhythms of life do I need right now?”

She says people are having to live their lives without the support of so many systems that have partly or fully broken down, whether it’s schools, hospitals, churches, family support, or other systems that we relied on. We need to recognize that we’re grieving multiple losses while managing the ongoing impact of trauma and uncertainty. The malaise so many of us feel, a sort of disinterested boredom, is common in research on burnout, Masten says. But other emotions accompany it: disappointment, anger, grief, sadness, exhaustion, stress, fear, anxiety — and no one can function at full capacity with all that going on.

Recognize the different aspects of grief

The familiar “stages” of grief don’t actually occur in linear stages, Boss says, but denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance are all major concepts in facing loss. Plenty of people are in denial: denying the virus is real, or that the numbers of cases or deaths are as high as reported, or that masks really help reduce disease transmission.

Anger is evident everywhere: anger at those in denial, anger in the race demonstrations, anger at those not physically distancing or wearing masks, and even anger at those who wear masks or require them. The bargaining, Boss says, is mostly with scientists we hope will develop a vaccine quickly. The depression is obvious, but acceptance… “I haven’t accepted any of this,” Boss says. “I don’t know about you.”

Sometimes acceptance means “saying we’re going to have a good time in spite of this,” Boss says, such as when my family drove an hour outside the city to get far enough from light pollution to look for the comet NEOWISE. But it can also mean accepting that we cannot change the situation right now.

“We can kick and scream and be angry, or we can feel the other side of it, with no motivation, difficulty focusing, lethargy,” Boss says, “or we can take the middle way and just have a couple days where you feel like doing nothing and you embrace the losses and sadness you’re feeling right now, and then the next day, do something that has an element of achievement to it.”

“Our new normal is always feeling a little off balance, like trying to stand in a dinghy on rough seas, and not knowing when the storm will pass.”

Experiment with “both-and” thinking

This approach may not work for everyone, but Boss says there’s an alternative to binary thinking that many people find helpful in dealing with ambiguous loss. She calls it “both-and” thinking, and sometimes it means embracing a bit of the irrational.

For the families of soldiers missing in action in Vietnam that Boss studied early in her career, or the family members of victims of plane crashes where the bodies aren’t recovered, this type of thinking means thinking: “He is both living and maybe not. She is probably dead but maybe not.”

“If you stay in the rational when nothing else is rational, like right now, then you’ll just stress yourself more,” she says. “What I say with ambiguous loss is the situation is crazy, not the person. The situation is pathological, not the person.”

An analogous approach during the pandemic might be, “This is terrible and many people are dying, and this is also a time for our families to come closer together,” Boss says. On a more personal level, “I’m highly competent, and right now I’m flowing with the tide day-to-day.”

It’s a bit of a Schrödinger’s existence, but when you can’t change the situation, “the only thing you can change is your perception of it,” she says.

Of course, that doesn’t mean denying the existence of the pandemic or the coronavirus. As Maddaus says, “You have to face reality.” But how we frame that reality mentally can help us cope with it.

Look for activities, new and old, that continue to fulfill you

Lots of coping advice has focused on “self-care,” but one of the frustrating ironies of the pandemic is that so many of our self-care activities have also been taken away: pedicures, massages, coffee with friends, a visit to the amusement park, a kickboxing class, swimming in the local pool — these activities remain unsafe in much of the country. So we have to get creative with self-care when we’re least motivated to get creative.

“When we’re forced to rethink our options and broaden out what we think of as self-care, sometimes that constraint opens new ways of living and thinking,” Masten says. “We don’t have a lot of control over the global pandemic but we do over our daily lives. You can focus on plans for the future and what’s meaningful in life.”

For me, since I missed eating in restaurants and was tired of our same old dinners, I began subscribing to a meal-kit service. I hate cooking, but the meal kits were easy, and I was motivated by the chance to eat something that tasted more like what I’d order in a restaurant without having to invest energy in looking through recipes or ordering the right ingredients.

Okay, I’ve also been playing a lot of Animal Crossing, but Maddaus explains why it makes sense that creative activities like cooking, gardening, painting, house projects — or even building your own imaginary island out of pixels — can be fulfilling right now. He references the book The Molecule of More, which explores how dopamine influences our experiences and happiness, in describing the types of activities most likely to bring us joy.

“There are two ways the brain deals with the world: the future and things we need to go after, and the here and now, seeing things and touching things,” Maddaus says. “Rather than being at the mercy of what’s going on, we can use the elements of our natural reward system and construct things to do that are good no matter what.”

Those kinds of activities have a planning element and a here-and-now experience element. For Maddaus, for example, it was simply replacing all the showerheads and lightbulbs in the house. “It’s a silly thing, but it made me feel good,” he says.

Focus on maintaining and strengthening important relationships

The biggest protective factors for facing adversity and building resilience are social support and remaining connected to people, Masten says. That includes helping others, even when we’re feeling depleted ourselves.

“Helping others is one of those win-win strategies of taking action because we’re all feeling a sense of helplessness and loss of control about what’s going on with this pandemic, but when you take action with other people, you can control what you’re doing,” she says. Helping others could include checking in on family friends or buying groceries for an elderly neighbor.

Begin slowly building your resilience bank account

Maddaus’ idea of a resilience bank account is gradually building into your life regular practices that promote resilience and provide a fallback when life gets tough. Though it would obviously be nice to have a fat account already, he says it’s never too late to start. The areas he specifically advocates focusing on are sleep, nutrition, exercise, meditation, self-compassion, gratitude, connection, and saying no.

“Start really small and work your way up,” he says. “If you do a little bit every day, it starts to add up and you get momentum, and even if you miss a day, then start again. We have to be gentle with ourselves and keep on, begin again.”

After spending an hour on the phone with each of these experts, I felt refreshed and inspired. I can do this! I was excited about writing this article and sharing what I’d learned.

And then it took me two weeks to start the article and another week to finish it — even though I wanted to write it. But now, I could cut myself a little more slack for taking so much longer than I might have a few months ago. I might have intellectually accepted back in March that the next two years (or more?) are going to be nothing like normal, and not even predictable in how they won’t be normal. But cognitively recognizing and accepting that fact and emotionally incorporating that reality into everyday life aren’t the same. Our new normal is always feeling a little off balance, like trying to stand in a dinghy on rough seas, and not knowing when the storm will pass. But humans can get better at anything with practice, so at least I now have some ideas for working on my sea legs.

[shortcutsanddeadends20]

God. If this isn't the story of my life.

I've contemplated on doing this for a while now.

Who am I?! I am Krystal. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am 34 years old. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a friend. I suffer from anxiety and depression. I was also diagnosed as a child with ADHD. I am a stay at home mom and now also a caretaker for my mother. I am a consultant for an "MLM" and I love my business but for me, it is not substantial. I am the wife of an apprentice ironworker.

The last year has been hard. Just over a year ago, I got laid off. We also found out we would no longer have the option for the childcare we had at the time. So, at the time, I filed for unemployment with intentions to return to work after a while and once we could figure out something for childcare. Then covid hit. When covid hit, not only was I unable to return to work but at the time, my husband was also laid off( ironwork slows down in the winter)... Well... He didn't go back to work until August due to covid slowing down job sites further.

In July, my mother suffered a cardiac arrest, I won't go into details on this post but now, I have had my mother living with me since then. She suffers short term memory loss and I am responsible for dealing with any and all doctors appointments, giving her all of the medications she is on, making sure she eats, doing her laundry etc etc. I have absolutely no issue doing this however, it is now made it impossible for me to return to working outside of the home. I am in the process to try to become a paid caregiver( don't @ me, if finances provided, I wouldn't want to be paid, unfortunately, our household needs two incomes and this is one way to ease that burden from my husband solely) as well as mass applying for jobs that I would have the option to work remotely.

We have struggled, more than we ever have this year. To be totally transparent, we've fallen behind on bills and just recently had our car repossessed. We are trying desperately to catch up and cut back on things where we can.

Right now, 6 days before Christmas, we have only two presents for our kids right now.(thanks to some help, this has changed since I started writing this) I know it's not the meaning of Christmas but making it special, especially for my kids and loved ones means a lot to me.

Needless to say, this year has been a crapshoot. I've watched people all around me have loved ones die, just recently lost the only grandpa I ever had, people lose jobs, lose homes, struggle to pay bills, people spew hate about covid, the mask mandates, the shutdowns, the government, the protests, people say that racism isn't real then say something racist in the same breathe. Spew hate about the lgbtq+ community and abortions and the list goes on and on.

Wanna know my true thoughts?! I FUCKING HATE the lack of compassion and empathy this world has. I am someone who loves everyone, even if I disagree with you. I tend to keep my mouth shut because as one of my best friends once told me "you're a people pleaser"... Yep, hit the nail on the head with that one. Well here it is and I don't know how who will end up reading this and what they'll think but I don't really care and anyone who truly knows me, knows I am a damn good person, with a good heart.

I voted for Biden, because I believe we have a better shot at life getting better with him in office then we otherwise would. Yes, I educated myself and made my choice based on my own views.

I believe that Covid is real and can be dangerous to those with underlying conditions or those who are older, which I have many loved ones who fall in those categories and I would rather take the precautions if it means keeping them safe. I believe in wearing a mask, properly, because me wearing one and you wearing one REDUCES the risk of catching it. It absolutely blows my mind how it is so difficult to do one small thing to minimize risk for other people, ya know that compassion thing?! Or those who say "it only kills old people or people with underlying conditions" UM why is ANY life dispensable?! Why do they not deserve to live just as much as you or I do?! Or how about those who, while yes, they may survive, will have long term, possibly lifetime damage from it?!

The protests?! Systemic racism is VERY much real, the mistreatment/brutality/murders of ANY person of color happens WAY TOO OFTEN and it needs to end.

Same goes for the LGBTQ+ community. They are tormented, mocked, treated differently, judged and worse.

Abortions. Sometimes, 100% necessary, do I, personally, believe in someone using abortion as a means of birth control, no, absolutely not HOWEVER what someone else does in their own life, with their own body... IS NONE OF MY FUCKING business. I am also well aware of the many, many reasons why someone may have an abortion and that sometimes, it is the only option and still... It is none of my business. Yep, I said what I said.

These are just a few things I wanted to touch on here, my depression is the worst it's ever been, and I felt maybe writing some would help alleviate some of the unbearable weight I have been carrying. It is definitely helping, and I will continue writing although I don't know who will see it, who will care enough to read it all the way through and what's more, who will judge me, look at me differently or whatever. But honestly, I don't really care.. These are MY truths and those who truly care for me will be by my side no matter what, they won't leave me or judge me, even if my truths are different than theirs.

[bidrums]

When I was three my parents introduced me to a little game called “Stay or Go?”

It’s a simple game with a simple concept and simple rules:

You make a small pile of items. You pick one up and ask, “Stay or go?” If it’s “stay,” you put it in a pile and leave it in the room you’re in. If it’s “go,” you put it in a different pile. When you’re done with the large pile, move “go” to your designated area for the items you’re getting rid of.

You can play this by yourself or with a partner. But whoever owns the items needs to be the one deciding “stay” or “go.”

Now, you might be thinking that said game would be a nightmare to play with a three-year-old and that the “stay” pile will always have the most items. And yeah, “stay” was the biggest one for many years.

However, it was a game that I loved playing.

I would play it for hours with my parents and even now they’re some fond memories.

And we stopped playing together and I stopped asking the question out loud, but I still will play it when I want to clean out my room. And we actually still say, “I’m going to clean my room and play Stay or Go, so we should plan on donating Goodwill soon.”

A few weeks ago, I decided to watch the Marie Kondo show on Netflix because people were talking about it and I was interested in what she had to say about tidying and if she had any tips and what exactly “spark joy” meant.

About twenty minutes in, I thought, “Oh! She’s playing Stay or Go but like, with philosophy!”

The KonMari method of tidying encourages putting a set group of items, picking each one up individually, and asking yourself, “What value does this bring to my life? What purpose does it have? Does this improve my life? Does this item and the purpose it serves make me happy by staying? Or will it serve a better purpose by going?” And if you choose “go,” you thank it for being in your life and put it in the “go” pile.

Maybe this is because I’ve done a similar thing for most of my life, but I honestly don’t understand why people are throwing such a hissyfit over the whole process she encourages. She wants you to live your best life and she wants you to have the best living space to achieve that.

“But she thinks books are-”

Good, if they serve a purpose in your life and have a positive impact by being in your house. That’s what she thinks about books. I’m not through the entire season, but there was one episode where one of the people was crying and having a hard time even beginning to go through the books because he had such a strong attachment to them and had a hard time thinking about letting them go. Marie noticed this and asked him what he was thinking. He said that he loved books and that he’s always loved them and he’s never seriously thought about getting rid of any of them before.

And Marie nodded in understanding and held up one of his books and asked, “Do you love this?” and he nodded and talked about how it was one of the first books he truly loved and he reads it again every two or three years. 

She nodded, set the book down, and said, “Okay. Then keep it.”

And as he slowly went through the pile you could see him realize that he didn’t need to get rid of any books if he didn’t want to and he fell into a groove and tidied up his bookshelf quickly.

He kept most of his books.

When Marie saw the bookshelf, she talked about how neat it looked and how nice it was and didn’t mention about how he barely got rid of anything because his books made him happy and he organized the space so it reflected that.

“She ignores the fact that some people are mentally ill and can’t-”

No.

She doesn’t.

There was a woman who lost her husband and couldn’t bring herself to touch his things. She brought this up to Marie.

Marie told her that she didn’t need to touch his things if it distressed her. That she didn’t need to try powering through it and could leave it alone and not touch it. That they would not focus on it at all if it distressed her. Because she wanted the house to be neat and tidy and be comfortable and happy, and attempting to reach that goal with emotional distress wouldn’t work.

She constantly makes sure that the people she’s helping are comfortable and not distressed and are focusing on being as comfortable and happy as possible.

“Well the people with severe hoarding disorders or OCD or depression-”

Listen.

Listen.

I am mentally ill. I am ADHD and have depression with a large helping of severe anxiety.

Even when my room is clean, it’s not clean.

The cleanest my room has ever been has been when we were moving and all my things were in boxes in another room. I am disorganized and my room is a mess on good days. When I’m in a bad place, you can barely walk. As in, you have to tiptoe to move around. There are times when doing laundry is basically impossible for me and I have so much dust to the point I’m avoiding an entire wall because I will start coughing. If something means something to me, I will keep it and not let go of it and the longer I own something the more likely it is I will keep it well past its life expectancy and usefulness because I’ve held on to it this long, might as well keep it longer.

After watching her help other people, I’ve realized that some of my most favorite possessions, the things that I refuse to get rid of, the things I cannot imagine giving up, are not worth keeping. And I have actually thought about how the next time I cleaned they would be the first things I got rid of because they were actually reminding me of times in my life that were painful but also had some happiness so I kept them even though thinking about those things hurt.

After watching a show about helping people organize their homes and the many uses of tiny boxes hoisted by a short Japanese woman who wants people to be happy and fulfilled in life.

I have been playing Stay or Go with those objects for 10 and 11 years now and always picked Stay because I couldn’t bear to let go of them and only now have I realized that I will be happier and will heal much more if I don’t have them.

She doesn’t say “If you have X mental illness, do Y” but she doesn’t have to. Because that’s not what she is set out to do. She says that it’s not for everyone and if it doesn’t work then don’t feel bad. 

At the end of the day she wants you to be mindful about your living space and organize it to your comfort levels and gives hints and tips.

And if you don’t like it, that’s okay.

But don’t be mad at people for liking it.

And don’t tell us that we can’t play “Stay or Go.”

[spookydoughnut]

'Why I Made A Game' or 'How I Learned To Stop Sleeping And Love The Coroutine'

Preamble Ramble.

My love for computers and computer games started when my dad bought a BBC Micro B. Whilst the machine is ancient by today’s standards, at the time it opened a whole new world for me. Games such as Repton, Chucky Egg, Citadel and a weird kangaroo game that I can't remember the name of (if anyone does know, I would be eternally grateful) took up most of my time, but what really intrigued me, was a copy of the BBC Microcomputer System User Guide that came with the computer.

In the said user guide, were large sections explaining how to use the basic language, what could be achieved and how to save your programs to tape. A quick skim read later and I started to write my own text adventure games...short, badly written text adventure games, but MY short badly written text adventure games nonetheless.

Fast forward thirty-something years and a slew of computers and consoles later and I was still no closer to writing a full game. Now in my adult years, being a professional Composer, I work with others that have seen game projects through from concept to release. Although I love doing what I do, I was always a little jealous that I hadn't managed to do the same.

Coronavirus Has Entered The Chat.

My year so far has sucked, as I'm sure it has for most people. I lost my dad at the beginning of the year and shortly before that, my grandad. My family and I were stuck in a mould infested flat with no sign of ever escaping. I was depressed and felt quite hopeless. There was no light at the end of the tunnel.

One indistinguishable bleak day, I was going through some files on my desktop and stumbled upon an old unity project that I’d started, called ‘Don`t Die Dickhead’. The project was a basic rage platformer that I’d made as a kind of joke, to piss off any friends and family that were willing to play it. It had three levels, controls that sort-of worked and was completely unfair. My ADHD brain latched onto the idea and before I knew it, I was working on it again; my goal, make ten levels and put it on Steam. I didn't really believe that I'd do it, but I was utterly committed to at least trying to finish it this time. Even though, at that point, I didn't really know where the game was going.

Game Design By Osmosis.

My game design process went something like this ‘make the game tough but fun and if any ideas that you like come to you, implement them...if you can’, That was quite honestly the extent of it. I'd spend time coming up with level design ideas and then add extra problems or aesthetic choices as they came to me.

The game's core revolves around chaos, so that's how it should be created, I thought. That being said...Having a solid idea before you start is a fantastic idea and something I'll definitely do from now on. The more I added to the game, the more I realised that I had to make some sort of a plan.

I added a bunch of parody levels based on games that I like, but then had to figure out how I'd work them into the project. I settled on the idea of every level or collection of levels being different tv shows or stations. As the player progressed, the channels changed and the overall aesthetic changed with it. It was at this point that I actually had to sit down and design it a little more seriously.

When In Doubt Move To Malta.

During this time, my wife and I, disillusioned with the UK government, decided that we no longer wanted to live in the UK. We’ve always had a soft spot for Malta, so we decided to go for it, try living there for a couple of months and if it all works out, begin the process of becoming residents.

Luckily composing had been good to me during lockdown and my wife's blog had started to take off, so we found ourselves in a very unique position. Off we went. Taking the bare minimum with me, an external harddrive, a nanokeys keyboard, My Ollo Audio headphones and a laptop, my intention was to continue working (Scoring a fantastic film at the moment) and finish the game.

After acclimating myself to the new environment, lizards in the house, mosquitos, hornets the size of your fist and 38 degree weather in September, I got back to work. Please believe me when i say ENVIRONMENT MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE! Psychologically, the change in environment for me was incredible. I felt far more creatively available and finishing ‘DDD’, for the first time, didn't seem impossible.

And So Here We Are.

Since arriving in Malta, I’ve worked my sexy ass off. When not composing I was coding, when not coding I was creating artwork, when not creating artwork, I was playing the same goddamn level for what seemed like the thousandth time. I changed the name to ‘Don't Die! Douche!’, I made a trailer, I paid for a Steam page (well if we’re honest, my wife did!!), I hassled people to bug test it. Before too long, it was finished. I’d done it!

I'm still in shock to be honest and i'm pretty sure it'll take quite some time to sink in. Its a dumb game, its annoyingly tough in places, more than a little bit surreal. But, it’s my dumb game and I love it.

Final Thoughts.

I guess this whole piece is just my stab at being motivational. Please believe me when I say that If I can do it, so can you! Start small, work consistently, but most importantly make something that you want to make. Ignore trends, do your own thing. I'm not saying that you need to do something revolutionary, just something that has your personality built into it. Having a personal connection to your project makes a big difference. I hope this has been, at the very least entertaining and potentially motivating. Either way, thanks for reading.

If you want to check out ‘Don't Die! Douche!’ I’ll pop the steam page link below.

Take care and try to be nice to one another.

Big Love

Matt

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1399990/Dont_Die_Douche/

[fatedfuturist]

𝑪𝑯𝑨𝑹𝑨𝑪𝑻𝑬𝑹 𝑻𝑹𝑼𝑻𝑯𝑺.

bold –   always  ⁄  often   ( throughout his history ) italic   –   sometimes  ( throughout his history )

001.   smoking:  the  action  or  habit  of  inhaling  &  exhaling  the  smoke  of  tobacco  or  a  drug.

𝐬𝐦𝐨𝐤𝐞𝐝 𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐨𝐟𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐫𝐨𝐮𝐠𝐡 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬.  found it as a means of stress relief and to ‘fit in’ and ‘be cool.’  has since stopped, though when under extreme stress, he may be seen resorting to sporting a cigarette ;  the occasion is rare and practically non-existent, though not impossible.

002.   binge drinking:  the  consumption  of  an  excessive  amount  of  alcohol  in  a  short  period  of  time.

𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐠𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐯𝐢𝐜𝐞𝐬, 𝐚𝐥𝐜𝐨𝐡𝐨𝐥 𝐚𝐛𝐮𝐬𝐞.  had his first drink at five, a child under pressure by his own father.  years later, he would begin to suffer under the grips of alcohol for decades, the addiction debilitating as a means of a crutch.  consumed excessive amounts when stressed, depressed, or for the sake of the party.  has since learned to loosen up and even go sober, though he has relapsed quite a few times in the process.

003.   drug abuse:  the  habitual  taking  of  illegal  drugs.

𝐲𝐞𝐭 𝐚𝐠𝐚𝐢𝐧, 𝐚 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧𝐚𝐠𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐲𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐠 𝐚𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐭 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫𝐬.  primarily throughout his time during MIT and after the death of his parents.  it was a crutch.  he let go of drugs easier than he did alcohol.

004.   nail-biting:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  anxiety / tension. 005.  lip-biting:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  anxiety / tension. 006.   night owl: a  person  who  is  habitually  active  or  wakeful  at  night.

𝐢𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐦𝐧𝐢𝐚 𝐢𝐬 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐨𝐥𝐝 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝.  he can’t sleep most nights, not unless he’s exhausted himself physically, or is coaxed to head on up to bed by his significant other.

007.   early bird:  a  person  who  rises ,  arrives ,  or  acts  before  the  usual  or  expected  time. 008.   negative attitudes: a  philosophy  of  approaching  life  with  criticism  &  pessimism.

𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐨𝐜𝐜𝐚𝐬𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐯𝐢𝐞𝐰 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐚𝐬 𝐚 𝐠𝐥𝐚𝐬𝐬 𝐡𝐚𝐥𝐟 𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐲.  typically pessimistic in regards to his own life, rather than the general universe or others.  the signs of a man who have been worn down by the world and has been carrying the weight of said world on his shoulders for too long.

009.   positive attitudes:  a  philosophy  of  approaching  life  with  optimism  &  confidence.

𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐢𝐧𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐝𝐢𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐩𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐚𝐥 𝐨𝐟 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐮𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞.  he is, by every sense of he word, a futurist.  he builds and he looks toward the future as something bigger and better than the current time.  will optimistically look toward saving as many people as possible before feeling the burden of pessimism chime in.

010.  swearing:  the  use  of  offensive  language. 011.   superstitious:  an  irrational  belief  that  an  object ,  action ,  or  circumstance  not  logically  related  to  a  course  of  events  influences  its  outcome. 012.   inspecting fingernails:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  boredom. 013.  scratching your neck:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  uncertainty. 014.   foot  & finger  tapping:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  stress / impatience. 015.   nose touch:  a  subtle  body  language  sign  of  deceit. 016.   flipping  hair:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  craving  attention. 017.   twirling  hair:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  flirtation. 018.   cracking  knuckles:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  readiness. 019.   hands behind back:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  confidence. 020.   finger-pointing:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  authority. 021.   hands on hips:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  readiness. 022.  hands in pockets:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  mistrust  /  reluctance. 023.  frequent touch:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  warmth / familiarity.

𝐜𝐚𝐧 𝐛𝐞 𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐢𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐲 𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐩𝐞𝐨𝐩𝐥𝐞 𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐚𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐚𝐛𝐨𝐮𝐭.  those that do not know him or are strangers, however, are less of the receiving end of touch.  touch is a matter of trust for tony, and he doesn’t trust easily.

024.   throat  –  clearing:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  rejection / doubt. 025.   jaw  –  clenching:  a  common  body  language  sign  of  hostility. 026.   eye  –  rolling: a  common  body  language  sign  of  irritation. 027.  head  –  tilt: a  common  body  language  sign  of  interest. 028.   whistling: to  emit  high  –  pitched  sound  by  forcing  breakthrough  a  small  hole  between  one’s  lips  or  teeth;  usually  to  a  tune. 029.   humming:  make  a  low,  steady  continuous  sound  like  that  of  a  bee;  usually  to  a  tune. 030.   perfectionism:  refusal  to  accept  any  standard  short  of  perfection. 031.   photographic memory:  the  ability  to  remember  information  or  visual  images  in  great  detail. 032.   paranoia:  a  mental  condition  characterized  by  delusions  of  persecution,  unwarranted  jealousy,  or  exaggerated  self - importance,  typically  worked  into  an  organized  system.  

𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐞𝐱𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐫𝐥𝐝 𝐡𝐚𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐝 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐭𝐫𝐚𝐮𝐦𝐚.  from the abuse of his father during his childhood and youth to the betrayal of people he believed would never turn their hand on him, and the death and rebirth of the universe at his hands, he has become increasingly paranoid of what comes next.

033.   exaggeration:  a  statement  that  represents  something  as  better  or  worse  than  it  really  is.

𝐡𝐞’𝐬 𝐝𝐫𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐜.  has a tendency to speak loud and with hyperboles when he feels the need to be melodramatic.

034.   intuitive:  using  or  based  on  what  one  feels  to  be  true  even  without  conscious  reasoning;  instinctive. 035.  quick-witted:  showing  or  characterized  by  an  ability  to  think  or  respond  quickly  &  effectively.   036.   interrupting:  breaking  the  continuity  of  a  conversation  with  one’s  own  statements.

𝐮𝐧𝐥𝐢𝐤𝐞 𝐦𝐨𝐬𝐭, 𝐡𝐢𝐬 𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝 𝐟𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 𝐝𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐥𝐲.  having shown symptoms of ADHD, his train of thought jumps from one cart to another, connecting thoughts in a disjointed manner, and interrupting his own original train of thought to begin with. 

037.   doodling:  to  scribble  or  make  rough  drawings,  absentmindedly. 038.   irritable:  having  or  showing  a  tendency  to  be  easily  annoyed. 039.   gambling:  to  play  games  of  chance  for  money;  bet.

𝐨𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐚 𝐦𝐚𝐧 𝐨𝐟 𝐦𝐢𝐱𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐭𝐡 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐤, he enjoyed gambling as it was fun and unpredictable.  he had the money to spend.  he still does, but he finds that gambling is just as bad of an addiction as anything else.  now, he sticks to playful bets and challenges that do not have much danger associated to them.

040.   travel – sick:  suffering  from  nausea  caused  by  the  motion  of  a  moving  vehicle ,  boat ,  or  aircraft. 041.   sensitive:  having  or  displaying  a  quick  &  delicate  appreciation  of  others’  feelings.

𝐞𝐱𝐡𝐢𝐛𝐢𝐭𝐬 𝐞𝐱𝐜𝐞𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐚𝐥 𝐚𝐦𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭𝐬 𝐨𝐟 𝐞𝐦𝐩𝐚𝐭𝐡𝐲.  having experienced many painful and traumatic events in his lifetime, he finds it easy to relate and both sympathize and empathize with others’ and their feelings.

042.  melancholy:  a  feeling  of  pensive  sadness,  typically  with  no  obvious  cause.

𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐰𝐚𝐤𝐞 𝐮𝐩 𝐟𝐞𝐞𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐦𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐡𝐨𝐥𝐢𝐜 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐥𝐞𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐜.  not for any particular reason.  often has depressive episodes and occasional mood swings that drive him toward this category of feeling sadness and emptiness.

043.   chewing gum:  the  exercise  of  chewing  flavored  gum  which  is  not  intended  for  swallowing. 044.   fidgeting:  to  make  small  movements,  especially  of  the  hands  &  feet,  through  nervousness  or  impatience.

𝐧𝐞𝐫𝐯𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐧𝐞𝐬𝐬 𝐢𝐬 𝐰𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐡𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐞𝐧; it is not non-existent.  tony has had a lifetime of experience in front of cameras and lights where he finds himself usually as the most uncomfortable.  although he copes and performs well under the spotlight, small nervous ticks such as fidgeting in certain scenarios will still shine through when enough attention is paid on his body language.

045.  skeptical:  not  easily  convinced;  having  doubts  or  reservations. 046.   neat–freak:  compulsively  obsessed  with  cleanliness. 047.   gossiping:  divulging  personal  information  about  others. 048.   prim:  feeling  or  showing  disapproval  of  anything  regarded  as  improper;  stiffly  correct. 049.   abbreviating:  giving  others  nicknames / shortening  names / giving  pet  names.

𝐛𝐞𝐭𝐰𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐚𝐟𝐟𝐞𝐜𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐫𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐥𝐫𝐲, he finds creative monikers for others’, or shortens peoples’ names where he sees fit.  some are of good taste, some are cheesy.

050.   having a catchphrase: having  a  sentence  or  phrase  typically  associated  with  a  specific  person.

“ 𝐢 𝐚𝐦 𝐢𝐫𝐨𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐧. ”

tagged by :  @fallencomrade​ a while ago bc i lose track as u tag me in so many good things SDHKJFSDJFDJ tagging :   @stormweathered  /  @shlded   @thawedpatriot  @genotypiic  @sensesdialed​

[lathal]

Iveani and ADHD

ADHD is a neurodevelopmental condition that “includes a combination of persistent problems, such as difficulty sustaining attention, hyperactivity, and impulsive behavior”. Iveani has combined type ADHD, which means that she has difficulties with both inattentive and hyperactive/impulsive symptoms. Like all ADHD, it began very early in childhood and she will have it for her entire life. It impacts pretty much every area of her life, however, it isn’t without its benefits. I’m going to go into detail about how exactly it impacts her, but I’m cutting the post because it’s long.

 Babe is easily distracted a lot of the time, but when she gets focused on something, she REALLY focuses on it and it’s difficult for her to do anything else. This is called hyperfocus, and it happens a lot more with things she likes. While hyperfocusing, she’ll forget to do things that are really important, like eating or sleeping. This tends to lead to her forgetting to eat for most of the day, and then at around 11 pm, she realizes she hasn’t eaten, and then eats way too much.

With things she doesn’t like, she gets bored VERY easily and has difficulty processing and organizing new information, leading to her getting confused easily and making more mistakes. There’s also the executive function issue. It makes it difficult for her to start tasks, as well as completing all of the steps involved and finishing them. And there’s the time blindness issue. People with ADHD often don’t really have a sense of how much time is passing, so she’s either very early to stuff or very late, no exceptions. All of this combined can make it look like she doesn’t care about certain important things, but that isn’t the case at all. She knows they’re important, and she tries her best but fails.

The hyperactivity isn’t as bad as it used to be, because she’s an adult and adults tend to be better at managing hyperactivity than children. She still fidgets almost constantly. She feels an almost constant need to go go go, even though she can contain herself during long meetings. She thinks much better while moving around. Walking in particular helps a lot, so she tends to pace. 

Impulsivity causes some problems socially. She’s generally good with people, but she does tend to blurt things would without thinking about them. She also has a tendency to interrupt people, though I’m not sure how I can really portray that in roleplay. Both of these things can make her seem pretty self centered at times. It also causes other issues. For example, the food she eats can be pretty crap because she just eats whatever sounds good, and she has a huge sweet tooth.

Like I said earlier, though, ADHD has its benefits! She’s energetic and enthusiastic. Her impulsivity is also spontaneity, so she’s very open to trying new things. It gives her a different perspective on life, allowing her to look at problems in a new way and come up with creative solutions. She can make decisions quickly, if needed. When she cares about something, she REALLY cares about it. The fact that she struggles makes her more compassionate towards people in similar situations, and more willing to help out.

Iveani in particular has been in really good situations that allow her to use the benefits of ADHD to their fullest. With the Dalish, her hyperfocus is a huge asset and her distractability isn’t really much of an issue. As a hunter in particular, she needs to be able to balance being aware signs of their prey and danger as well as being able to make quick decisions, both of which ADHD is good for. In fact, there’s a theory that ADHD evolved in part because of how good it was in hunter-gatherer societies! Many of the same things would probably also be helpful as a companion, especially in normal, day to day out in the field stuff. The positive qualities of ADHD also make her an effective leader, given enough support, which she absolutely has with the Inquisition.

However, historically, ADHD was viewed as a moral failing, not a disorder. I imagine Thedas is similar. She’s very much internalized the idea that she can just fix it if she tried hard enough, and lowkey hates herself for not being able to do that. It makes her feel a little bit like an alien sometimes, because things that seem so impossible for her seem so easy for everyone else. This is better for her in her modern verse, because she’s diagnosed, understands it’s a brain chemistry thing and not her fault, and is on medication for it.

In Thedas, however, I imagine treatment options would be limited. There are probably some stimulants, but nothing as strong as we have now. She’d really like caffeine, but I’m not sure how common things like coffee are. She’s picked up on how getting exercise helps some. She knows getting enough sleep also helps, but her insomnia makes it difficult. And that’s about it as far as available treatment options go.

Untreated ADHD can lead to many other problems. Her impulsivity makes her more likely to engage in risky behaviors, like using recreational drugs or having unprotected sex. Substance abuse is a risk, however, we don’t know enough about recreational drugs in Thedas for me to say much on the issue. I will say that she doesn’t enjoy the taste of a lot of alcohol, making her less likely to abuse it. Another risk is depression. While she is not depressed over the course of Inquisition, she is come Trespasser. One of the many contributing factors to its development is her low self esteem. It’s pretty bad for her. She isn’t actively suicidal in Trespasser, but she does have a plan on how she’d do it if she got to that point.

[compassionatereminders]

How are you able to be in a relationship with someone? Are they supportive? Understanding? It is a beautiful thing to have someone. I met someone at a psych ward but it all became very toxic after awhile and i realized it is NOT the place (for me)to meet people. Is your significant other neurotypical? Even if i like someone, id prob dive into concrete rather than commit to bc of fear but perhaps one day.

Well, while I am severely disabled by my mental health issues and while they interfere heavily with basically every area of my life to the point where I can neither work, study or life independently, my social life is what has been affected the least. So if you’re just talking to me and hanging out with me, it won’t be very obvious that I am mentally ill, and even when you know me well enough to notice, it doesn’t interfere much with my ability to socialize.

That being said, I am indeed lucky to have such a supportive and understanding boyfriend. He has known I was mentally ill from the day he first met me and quickly decided he wanted me anyways. Sure, there are situations where a 50/50 ratio of effort isn’t possible, and there are many things he has to help me with or do for me, but he really doesn’t mind that part. He thinks I’m worthwhile as the person I am right now, mental health issues and all, even when it requries a little extra effort - and I am honestly blessed to have him in my life.

It probably helps that he definitely isn’t neurotypical himself, although he is far more functional than I am. Currently he is in the early process of his first proper psych evaluation, and they’re among other things looking into autism (which he most definitely has), ADHD and depression. He hasn’t been professionally diagnosed with anything yet, but no one who knows him doubts that he is neurodivergent in some capacity.

Mental health issues can definitely make relationships a lot harder - and it can even turn them toxic if you aren’t careful - but they don’t always make them impossible. Sure, if you feel that right now isn’t the time and that starting a relationship would hurt more than it would help - or if you know you aren’t currently in a place where you can maintain a healthy relationship - that’s valid and in that case you definitely shouldn’t force it or rush it. But with the right person and the right amount of love, communication and effort, it isn’t impossible.

Like my boyfriend tells me when I am feeling insecure because of my mental health issues: “I don’t care about how much you can do or can’t do, I love you for the person you are” and “you’re not a burden, you’re a worthy investment.” So it’s basically all about finding a person who values you for who you are. That might be hard - but while I also struggled to fully believe this before I met my boyfriend, not everyone will look at you and see a problem and a burden. Someday, if you want it, someone is gonna look at you and see the love of their life - and the fact that you’re mentally ill won’t change their mind.

[tarysande]

ADHD Update

I woke up this morning to ... uh, thousands of new notifications on the ADHD post I made six weeks ago (I think it’s @seananmcguire‘s fault ;D ... which is fine because iloveyourbookssomuch*fangirl*). 

Over the past weeks, I have received dozens of supportive notes from complete strangers. I’ve received PMs and Anon messages. I’ve read all your reblogs and I’ve read all your tags, and I want you to know I see you. I hear you. Even if we are strangers who may never speak or meet, every time I see a new notification, I send a little bit of love and support your way. 

I know most of the people who’ve seen and interacted with that post probably won’t see this one, but in case they do: Thank you. I’m proud of you. I believe in you. None of us are alone; that’s the beauty of the internet. Even if the people you regularly interact with in your day-to-day life don’t get it, chances are you can find spaces on the internet where people will understand you, support you, and believe in you.

I intended for that post to be something hopeful. Maybe a nudge, for people like me who don’t fit the typical diagnosis criteria---even when it seems impossible, there are diagnosticians out there who will listen. There are resources you can access online. Treating ADHD is always a multi-pronged approach. Medication is one prong. Knowledge is another. Cognitive-behavioral therapy can help. So, research is finding, can daily meditation. There are free resources online to help you help yourself. Here’s a good place to start; CADDAC has compiled lists of online, Canadian, US, and international resources. While therapists (or medication) may be out of many people’s price range---I certainly don’t want to diminish that difficulty, especially considering how poor coverage can be for anything mental-health-related---taking tiny positive steps forward is possible on your own. Or with a supportive group of internet pals.

I am almost 40 years old. ADHD wasn’t even suggested as a possibility until I was 37. On the one hand, I grieve for the time I’ve lost to things beyond my control. Of course, I do. On the other, as I said to my husband the other day, fighting for this diagnosis and finally getting some proper treatment for it (an ongoing process!) has given me so much to hope for. If I get another five minutes or another fifty years, fighting (and continuing to fight) for my health and well-being has been worth it.

A few words of advice based on my personal experience:

If your medication makes you feel like a zombie, you’re on the wrong medication or you’re on the wrong dose. This goes for ADHD meds, anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds. The goal is not to be numb. You should feel more like yourself, more like your best self, not lesser or smaller or quieter. Don’t stay on the wrong medication. And don’t be afraid of medication if you’ve had this experience (I have!), because I am here to tell you it does not and should not be this way.

I am a writer and an editor by profession. Too many people spread the lies that a creative person needs their depression, anxiety, ADHD, substance abuse, or other treatable issue to be Creative. This is a lie. This is a terrible, harmful, horrific lie. The healthier I am, the better my mind works, and the more creative I am. The healthier I am, the better I’m able to manage and use my time for creative pursuits.

There’s no magic wand. There are only tools to help you do the work. No one can ‘fix’ you. They can help you see yourself more clearly, they can help you focus, they can help you breathe, they can help you learn, they can point you in fruitful directions, they can give you tools, they can love you, they can support you, they can help you get back up when you (probably inevitably) stumble, they can hug you really tight, they can hold you as you cry on their shoulder. Unfair as it may seem to those of us handed the challenge through no fault of our own, mental health involves work, and no one else can do that work for you.

It’s okay to be angry and sad and frustrated and happy and hopeful and full of rage and full of grief, sometimes all at the same time. We feel a lot of things. Sometimes we have to linger in those feelings to figure out why they’re happening or what they mean or how to adjust things to mitigate them healthily. But it’s okay and it sucks and it’s wonderful and it’s horrible and it’s okay. We have good days. We have bad days.

I know these are just words written by some stranger on the internet, but I care about you. I hope for you. I am glad you’re in this world, thinking and believing and creating and fighting for yourself and loving and enjoying and breathing and working.

Because a few people have asked, yes, I have a Ko-Fi and yes, I have a Patreon (which I’m revamping). 100% no pressure, but any support I receive keeps me writing my own work instead of editing the work of others to feed my cat ;D. Tumblr is primarily a fandom space for me, but any ADHD- or mental-health-related posts I make are tagged tara talks adhd or tara talks mental health (or both!). I believe strongly in speaking about these things---for me, yes, and for those who can’t.

[bigskydreaming]

fhalkfhaklfhlkak i hate this

TW really truly literally ruined the word ‘spark’ for me. Like the whole damn word. I hear it now and I’m like, NOPE, like...idk, some people who cringe when they hear the word moist or panties. Apologies to anyone who hates those words and cringed, i dont actually know if thats a thing or if like, I just have weird friends. Probably just the latter.

But anyways, Im just like...lmfao. Its so visceral too? Like I have this one original project, Waveriders, that I’ve been fiddling with off and on in the background of other projects for awhile, might have talked about it on here, idk, I don’t keep track. 

Basically its a far future sci-fi novel/setting for linked shorter works set on a gas giant that was settled by humans who figured that they can’t possibly be stepping on anyone’s toes there, its a freaking gas giant, hello, no one’s home, right? They literally have to make their own ground by using technology to form anti-gravity wells in the habitable zone of the atmosphere and like, make floating cities and then these kind of buoys scattered across the planet that create these electromagnetic currents that flow in specific ‘routes’ between the cities, and people travel between them in these flying ships that use magnetized hulls and solar sails to ride these currents, and blah blah blah, yada yada yada, bc like, why would I resist an opportunity to have floating cities and sky pirates and ancient cyborg machine dragons? Doesn’t make sense. 

Anyway, so couple thousand years after settling this planet, and by then for Plotty Reasons there are people who have what’s called waveriding abilities, like they can ‘hack’ certain wavelengths or types of energy and manipulate them in various ways, but only one kind of energy per person, and they each have their own little names and niches. 

So, y’know, basically just like ATLA, except for like, its energy powers and there are cyborg machine dragons and floating cities and sky pirates, obvsly. Plus areas of totally fucked up gravity called the badlands that are all like, criminal underworld metropolis because normal people are like lol nope, we like it when up is up and down is down, all of this is very just...nope. And also because shocking and totally unexpected plot twist, they were totally wrong about the planet being uninhabited just cuz it didn’t have Earth type ground...like, so in addition and on top of and in conjunction with all of the above and whatnot, there are these beings called Chaos Angels, that are basically like sentient quantum waveforms that can take any shape or appearance, but just, have no physical substance and yet are really good at faking that they’re not totally there when they fuck with humans, which they do a lot, because well. Why not, y’know?

But other than that, its exactly like ATLA. I’m a derivative hack. I disgust myself, truly I do.

BUT the point of this particular synaptic misfire aka ADHD ramble, is that so, okay, these different types of not!benders are all called waveriders as an overall umbrella term, but with ten different subsets of this in total, right? So people who can ‘hack’ light and manipulate it in various ways are called brightriders, and people who are tuned into soundwaves are called echo-riders, and some can manipulate the more electricity-skewed side of the electromagnetic spectrum and those are shockriders and the ones who skew more to the magnetic side are steelriders but I’m probably gonna change that because it sounds like a porno? Yeah no, just saw it outside of my notes for the first time and can confirm, definitely sounds like a porno so they’re not gonna be called steel-riders, but they will be called something steel-rider-esque. You get it.

And then there are the five weird ones that people aren’t totally quite sure how their waveriding shticks work because the kinds of energy they hack aren’t like....the kinds that work in the same way as the others with their easily discernible and patternistic wavelengths, and scientists and scholars are always arguing like but skyriders aren’t even in the same FIELD as the other waverider types because gravity isn’t even an actual ENERGY, just because we talk about gravity waves doesn’t mean they’re remotely the same thing as lightwaves, they make no SENSE, and I’m just like hahaha, I am your god, fictional scientists. Fucking deal with it. Plus it does make sense, you just don’t know the Secret Rules and Logistics that I do, pfft. 

Anyway, so the other types are boomriders who hack kinetic energy and skyriders of course obviously manipulate gravity, and then the last three are really weird, and super rare and thus don’t really have set names and just have lots of nicknames and are often just thought to be rumors. So those are the bio-riders who manipulate chemical energy though it often gets mistakenly referred to or just handwaved as being ‘life energy’ as though that’s a thing, ugh future way advanced people are so dumb sometimes, honestly. But so they can manipulate biological processes in various ways and do things with healing and also hurting, and basically just don’t piss one off ever. Like. You’ll die. And then there’s the psi-riders, who are essentially psychics and hack brainwaves, and I’m not at all bitter that I lack the balls to just go for broke and call them ghost riders like I want to, because ghost riders obviously sounds way cooler?? But also, Marvel would definitely sue?? Because they’re just, like that. 

And like, the last of the Weird Ones are the ones so super rare and also so hard to actually....tell if someone actually IS one, that most people think they don’t actually even exist and are just an unsubstantiated like, theoretical idea some scientist had once while high and then just, never shut up about so eventually the idea caught on. And those are the quantum-riders, or luck-riders, basically they theoretically manipulate quantum wavelengths in ways that are almost impossible to identify, like theoretically they wouldn’t even know they were doing it? Anyway, so lots of times, what are actually quantum-riders are just jealously thought to be like, really fucking lucky assholes. Even though the way their powers work really don’t have anything to do with luck or even probability, specifically, like that’s a simplistic approximation and its more like they manipulate possibilities but also shut up me, nobody cares.

ANYWAY, people who can count and who actually bothered to would probably notice by now like the funky little geniuses they are that all of those still only adds up to nine. And that’s because of the last one, the one that SHOULD go up in the brightrider, shockrider, notpornIswear!steel-rider hierarchy or taxidermy or whatever the fuck. And these are the ones who manipulate what’s essentially thermal energy, or more accurately the microwave-skewing side of the ultraviolet spectrum whereas brightriders are just the ones who skew more to the infrared side of it.

And the long and short of all of this Unnecessary-ness and the source of my fit of pique and ensuing ramble-palooza....is that ORIGINALLY, they were SUPPOSED to be called sparkriders.

But OBVIOUSLY I can’t call them that anymore, because like. I tried, and I was like ugh you drama queen slash whiny pissbaby, it was just a shitty teen supernatural show and SPARK WAS NEVER EVEN CANON, do not let THEM win and ruin a perfectly good classification name! But I did. I did let it ruin them, and its. Well. Its a problem, because I kept thinking up ways to kill off the sparkrider characters for absolutely no reason at all instead of like....thinking up ways to make the plot do what it was outlined to do in their parts of the story.

This may come like, way out of left field, and just SHOCK and STUN and BEWILDER some of you, like....no way, srsly? But yeah, true story, among my many canon mental neuroses like ADHD, PTSD, magical depression hour and super fun anxiety like....there is a tiny possibility (aka actual diagnosis) that while I don’t talk about this much, or ever really, I do have a smidge of ye old OCD? Its not like, a big thing and doesn’t really affect my daily routines and that’s pretty much why I never usually bring it up or list it alongside the rest of the crap on my neurodivergence resumé or whatever, because like, there’s already WAY too many misconceptions out there about what OCD actually is and what constitutes it, and tons of people are always jokingly but also thinking they’re kinda half serious, like ‘oh I’m so OCD about this and this and that’ and its like. LOL. Are you though? You sure?

Anyway, but point being, the way mine manifests for me is like...not actually a problem? Like, I don’t actually have any REAL complaints about it at all, just half-assed little fits of pique ones like this, which is the other part of why I never bring it up, because too often ppl just can’t fathom that OCD or even any kind of neurodivergence can be...WANTED, or a good thing, and lololol, that’s ableism, folks. But its true, I don’t actually mind mine at all, even if it occasionally makes things frustrating, when I get stuck like I am now. But the flip side of it is....its actually a pretty huge part of my creativity and just the way my mind works in general....like, what people accredit to me being particularly insightful about character analysis or drawing connections or stuff like that in meta or fics or my novels or worldbuilding...that’s what it is. That’s my OCD in action. 

My brain like...REQUIRES that I find patterns in....pretty much everything. Even day to day mundane stuff too, though like I said, its mild enough there that it doesn’t fuck with my routines too much, but like, I have to order things into nice, neat patterns and groupings. And if there aren’t any that are immediately obvious, I kinda pretty much HAVE to dig deeper until I find some on a slightly deeper level, something beneath the surface or first glance, and keep going until I find something.....or worst case scenario, I have to like....add stuff and embellish and fill in gaps with my own ‘content’ until I have the rough edges rounded off into something that CAN be stacked neatly atop some other part of the story or whatever it is I’m focusing on? And the obsessive-compulsive part for me is like, lol, I gotta find it SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW. 

My brain literally won’t shut off or grudgingly accept being diverted to a different subject until I’ve made some kind of pattern or flowchart or classification system. It will literally keep me up for hours, going over the same things over and over from every angle until I find SOME way to....reassemble or restructure it in some nice, neat little order of some type. I mean that’s basically what it is. My brain insists on me forming some semblance of order out of any glimpse I have of what I would otherwise term creative chaos. And it won’t give up until it gets what it wants, which when you throw in my ADHD and how often I’ll get derailed off on slight tangents but with my OCD then sooner or later forcing me back to the original focus, rinse and repeat ad nauseam....like. LOL. I learned to operate on very little sleep from a pretty young age by necessity, its just...my brain, dudes. Its just like that.

But the perks are like, I pretty much think this is WHY I’m so creative....because my brain, for as long as I can remember, has always just kinda....forced me to be? Also probably has a lot to do with well...eh, I don’t need to talk about that right now. Whatever. Anyway, point being, so....I do like the end results very much so, and for all its....Why Must You Be Like This eccentricities, I’m quite attached to my brain and would not be very likely to agree to a trade even were one possible. I mean don’t get me wrong, I could do without the PTSD and anxiety, if we’re just, like....talking some pruning shears or whatever, but the actual creative machinery, I’m keeping. Ultimately it just means I really fucking like patterns and finding patterns or making patterns where previously there were none, or at least none that were easy to spot.

But ugh, man, these are the rare times when I’m like omg, just call it a day, we don’t ACTUALLY have to come up with the perfect replacement name for that one relatively small and insignificant detail of a much larger story that isn’t even in the Top Ten list of my main priorities at the moment. And my asshole of a brain is just like....yeah no, we gotta. You know the rules dude, you decided it was official, that name didn’t work anymore and was never gonna, so now we gotta find a replacement or else things will be UNEVEN?? The pattern will be...missing a piece? There will be CHAOS AND ANARCHY IN THE STREETS THAT RUNNETH OVER WITH BLOOD? IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT??

And so I’m like....literally sitting here googling synonyms for spark because I’m just like that sometimes, lmfao. Oh and of course its gotta be a GOOD replacement, naturally. I can’t just shoehorn in a somewhat acceptable substitute that in the back of my mind I’m expecting to only be temporary, until I come up with something better. See, because my brain will KNOW, and it will NOT be okay with that, because that is CHEATING. And my brain, apparently, has strong feelings about cheating, which is weird and fairly unexpected of me, IMO.

Anyway, kudos to anyone who actually read through that instead of scrolling, I honestly have zero idea why I felt like sharing it, I just did and thus I did. *shrugs* 

[sassypotatoe1]

On loss:

So the last month or so, a LOT of what I've been struggling with has been cleared up for me and I got meds to deal with a MAJOR cause of my issues, and am better able to understand why a lot of things in my life are the way they are, but one thing I couldn't figure out (and watching a memorial episode for an actor in a series he played in and crying my eyes out the whole 45 minutes triggered the thoughts about it) was why I struggle so much with grief.

Now grief is a weird as fuck thing, and I looked for answers in a lot of places, figured it out a couple times before realizing nope, that ain't it, before finally talking it out with my therapist.

Grief is weird, and no one deals with it the same way, but it's pretty difficult to deal with when you don't seem to be dealing with it at all.

When my grandpa died, I was kinda shocked, and suddenly really focused. I was really fucking annoyed when my teacher tried to make me feel guilty for not attending a school event even though I couldn't attend because my grandpa's funeral was on that day. A lotnof things suddenly seemed like they didn't matter anymore. My grandpa was my idol, and you'd expect I'd be crushed by his death, especially since I cried myself sick over the death of a duckling, and over not getting to go horse riding even though my dad promised me, and over the almost-death of an animal in a movie. All at around the same age. If I could be that damn sad over such little things, why couldn't I be sad over my literal idol dying, the one person in my life that got me and completely supported my every nutty endeavor and whim.

I felt so guilty. Did I just not care? Was I only pretending? Was I a psychopath? Was I crazy? What is so wrong with me that I can't seem to mourn my own grandpa? Am I selfish? Inhuman? Why don't feel sad?

Now it should be noted that I struggle with depression and anxiety pretty frequently (due to some undiagnosed things fucking up my life and people continually telling me I was just lazy, there's nothing wrong with me, I should just try harder and me burning myself out trying my absolute fucking hardest but never being enough) and that at the time of my grandpa's death (who had been getting worse and worse for months due to cancer) I was stuck in the worst depressive episode to date, and actively having suicidal thoughts.

All that contributed to this massive numbness I continually felt in between random bursts of complete and utter rage, but when I got the news, I was talking to a family friend about why I wanted to be an actress and actually doing my homework for once half an hour later. For the first time in my life, I felt NORMAL, and it was right after the most important person in my life died.

How could I feel so okay with it? Why was the only thing even remotely making me feel something the pain other people experienced at his death, people who almost definitely didn't idolize and care about my grandpa nearly as much as I did? What was wrong with me? WHY WASN'T something wrong with me?

It took months before I actually felt ANYTHING about his death, and even then it was some sadness and a general fear of death for the 6 minutes it took to listen to a song about a departed mother and tell both my parents how much I love them. After that I all but forgot about my grandpa. I missed him sometimes, I missed him when we re-did his house to put it on the market, I missed him when I ate eclairs (toffee with a chocolate paste center if you don't know it) for the first time after he died, I missed him when I had orange flavored baked pudding (he gave it to me every year on my birthday and though everyone says he baked it himself, including him, the container he bought it is is a clear indication of the fact that he bought it instead) in my first year of university and again when my friend invited me to her house because I couldn't go home for my birthday and her mom baked me oramge pudding. I miss him now as I type this and every time I hear arrie wadetchi (probably some really twisted version of some germanic greeting but he used to say it every time I went home from a visit and it was eventually shortened to arrie warrie) which is not extremely frequently but surprisingly still being said. I missed him when my grandma (his divorced wife) married again, and when she started getting sick too. I missed him when my dad put up his coffee grinder in the kitchen, and when he took it down a month later because everyone kept walking into it and getting nasty bruises and the most swear words my childhood home ever heard occurred in that month. I miss him every time I see a station wagon. In between though, I don't miss him at all. And I couldn't figure out why I can mourn small losses so welk, but big losses just don't seem to affect me the same, or at all.

At first, I thought maybe I am a sociopath. Maybe I'm just so good faking emotions I fooled myself. Turns out that's not it, so maybe I'm healthy, and actually capable of dealing with my emotions, like one article suggested between the millions of articles calling me selfish. Nope, if I was good with dealing with my emotions I wouldn't be in therapy having someone else explain to me why the idea that everyone hates me is an irrational thought, and suggest I actually ASK people what they think of me if it bothers me so much. Maybe it's because I feel so damn deeply about everything amd had a pretty shitty fuckin life, and I'm so used to dealing with shitty crap that another shitty thing is just another inconvenience to add to the pile.

Or maybe, and this is what my therapist suggested, I was just dealing with so much emotional turmoil, and depression, and social anxiety, and having adhd but not knowing, or having meds, and constantly trying to accomplish the impossible feat of being perfect, and I just didn't have the emotional capacity to deal with it then, so my brain was like "yo, let's fix your other shit because this shit warrants your full attention" and am only able to deal with it now because my mental health (though not anywhere near perfect) is about 700% better than it was then, and I have the emotional capacity to deal with it. Which I did, I finally actually GRIEVED my grandpa's loss. I cried about it, remembered why I love him, I took about 17 minutes of the session just trying to process the fact that I'm human and can apparently actually experience grief, I just needed to figure out how. For the first time in my life, I felt for the death of my grandpa what I felt for the death of a damn duckling I knew for a day, and I have a lot of grief and loss to catch up on and work through, but at least now I know I'm not a sociopath, I just process things differently, which I always knew but never realized stretched as far a grief. I'm going to be okay, and not feeling sad for a significant loss right away is okay, and not feeling or expressing grief the way that's expected is okay. And if you can relate to this at all, I hope my story helped you figure it out, because by damn it took me about 7 years.

[buildarocketboys]

April 5: Talk about how/when you were diagnosed. Alternatively, if you’re self-diagnosed, talk about how/when you realised you were autistic.

So as I said before, I'm self-diagnosed (not even thinking about getting a pro-dx atm for reasons I'll probably go into later in this post). So I first realised I might be autistic during my year abroad at university. Before that for my first two years at uni I'd definitely had anxiety and depression to a noticeable extent (I've been low-key anxious most of my life but it didn't effect me to the same extent/frequency until uni). During my year abroad it was truly bad, though, and I noticed I had other issues (that had already been there but were magnified by my poor mental health on my year abroad), such as terrible executive dysfunction (other than going to class I pretty much just lay in my bed and watched stuff on YouTube), socialising At All (which made me feel like a huge failure bc part of the point of my year abroad was to improve my spoken German which, you know, requires actually talking to people in German (which was even scarier than talking to people in English) and trouble focusing in class, as well as other things. I actually first looked into ADHD and I definitely have some overlapping symptoms but I'm now fairly sure I don't have ADHD and any overlapping symptoms were because of autism and anxiety/depression.

So then (during my year abroad but also during my final year at uni, where I still wasn't great mental health wise but definitely in a better place than on my year abroad), I started looking into autism more, and the more I looked at the criteria, the more it seemed like they fit my experiences of my whole life, my way of understanding the world differently from neurotypicals and finding it hard to actually understand them (though I was relatively good at masking), various sensory no-nos I'd had my whole life (velvet, mint, brushing my teeth, coca cola which I damn near have a phobia of lol), bluntness that could be taken as rudeness, difficulty regulating my tone when I'm low on spoons (and the fact that I have to regulate my tone and it doesn't just come naturally to me)...so many things, every aspect of my life makes so much more sense through the lens of being autistic. And that's why you can't just somehow separate autism from an individual - because it shapes our whole lives and experiences, sure, I can give examples of how/why I'm autistic, but the fact is every single thing I do and think is shaped by the fact that I'm autistic.

So, to finish - right now I'm in a mostly pretty good place mental health wise, at least partly because I have a pretty set routine 5 days of the week. I'm not looking for a pro-dx at this stage in my life because I don't think it would help me (and could very well hinder me due to ableism). Also just the process of getting a pro-dx seems more trouble than it's worth - as I said in my first post of this challenge, even the idea of making an appointment to bring up that I think I'm autistic with the gp (who will probably be someone who's never seen me before in my life bc yay NHS) feels terrifying and impossible to me. I think if I had a therapist/psychologist/whatever I might possibly bring it up with them (if it seemed like they would actually take me seriously) but fact is, I don't, and at present I don't have the time or the need to go on a long waiting list to get one (or to pay through the nose for private lol). So at present I'll remain self-dx but definitely very much autistic.

[dekuinthelake]

Depression

Small advisory warning here. I’m just going to be upfront with how my depression manifested and how I’ve been fighting it. It’s a little graphic so if you aren’t in the right frame of mind to be exposed to this please skip.

At the age of 10 I was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety. At 16, clinical depression and bipolar. Doctors have a very simple way of informing what illness you have without actually addressing what symptoms these disorders actually have. Sure I’ve got a hard time starting and finishing things because of the focus problem. Yeah, sometimes loud noises make my heart race so fast I can’t think right. And bipolar makes you feel everything but x100 intensity. But depression? That’s the one that’s been hard to define, hard to even recognize that this mental illness finds a way to literally seep in to every aspect of your life and strangle you slowly until you’re dangerously low on the will to even live.

Depression is a cloud of lethargy hanging over you at all times. You don’t take care of your body or house because the idea of looking at yourself, your filth, fills you with frustration and self loathing. Depression is driving recklessly because a traffic accident might be a convent way to die. Depression is trying to fix your agony with pain killers and taking just one or two more pills every day until your addicted to not feeling anything at all. You resist comfort or visits from friends and then question why no one wants to care for you? Depression is desperately waiting for someone or something to help you out of your bad mood. Making ultimatums such as: “If I get pulled over I’ll kill my self.” You stop trying because failure is just too much.

Depression is a constant and overwhelming disdain for your own existence that infects every single aspect of your day, week, month, year... maybe even your life. Unrelenting, agonizing, impossible to really fully define for everyone since the way it manifests is so specific to the unhealthy habits we establish while convinced we aren’t worth a shit.

But with all that said, there is absolutely a way to build yourself up again as a functioning, happy person.

No doctor, therapist, psychologist, or fucking hospital I’ve ever been to ever equipped me with the right tools to dig myself out of these horrible habits. I’ve tried a lot of medicine and been addicted to a lot of substances. Not a single god damn one helped me nearly as much as two key things I’m going to HIGHLY recommend for people like me.

Firstly, go to groups like AA or with people who are struggling similarly to you. If you find a group that is trying actively to get better you’ll inevitably discover ways to train yourself in to being more gentle with yourself. Don’t stick around in any situation where folks are enabling you to keep doing drugs, pills, or whatever. Likewise, learn to recognize when someone is wallowing in self doubt or pity. You do not want to take advice from anyone who tells you to just stay in the condition of misery you’re in and accept things won’t get better.

Incorrect. One of the strongest things that’s helped me recover from suicide was realizing I could improve everything I hated about myself by acknowledging that I’m a flawed person, but I can positively train myself to be kinder, more gentle, stronger, healthier.

Remember you’re in charge of your own life and no one else’s. Something that’s very common with those who are depressed is a need to try and control other people around them. You’ll worry yourself sick. You can’t change how people feel about you, or what they personally do. So learn to walk around things that bother you. Ignore the urge to obsess over someone who hurt you or think to hard about insults lobbed your way.

Criticize yourself, but never be mean. Remember, any flaws you pick at yourself for can be fixed with a delicate approach.

Something I CANNOT emphasize enough is a healthy life style. Get 8 hours of rest every night. Eat 3 balanced meals a day. Go outside and absorb that sun for at least 2 hours. Vitamin D helps produce that good good chemical better than any medicine I’ve taken, especially if I plan trips to places of exquisite beauty. Make a schedule and stick to it.

An important note... If you’re starting from rock bottom like I did, aka starting a regiment to keep yourself active after a lifestyle of literally sitting in the dark all day every day, start slow. Don’t overwhelm yourself by doing everything in one day. Start by picking up a chore twice a week and reward yourself internally every step of the way for getting up out of bed. Take as much time as you need to eventually add much, much more activity to your day, but always keep improving.

More than anything, fall in love with the process of crafting yourself in to the best you you can possibly be. If that means honing a talent or your body to learn how to apply building your self worth, do it. And practice every day at whatever you want to be better at. Nothing has to be perfect because of you keep trying, by pure numbers you will improve.

Earlier this year I attempted to over dose on pain killers and inhibitors I’d been given. I was found thanks to a friend calling the police and rushed to an emergency room. I don’t remember much except not being able to stand up for three days, and being incredibly weak for two weeks after. What’s helped me and stuck with me the most is a woman I met in the psych ward who said some simple things that made the steps I’ve taken now to fight my depression more effective than ever before.

“Just keep a good schedule and enjoy whatever you are doing. Don’t worry about anything else. And remember to always pay kindness forward.”

So I guess having the balls to finally right about this incredibly difficult thing that’s been fucking me my entire life is my way of trying to repay that kindness and hopefully pay it forward.

Guys, if you hate yourself, your art, your body... You can fix it. Just start small and keep congratulating yourself for progress. Take care of yourself every single day. Please. You’ll make progress in no time and then wonder how you got so strong.