#but some of the critique of this new album is just very weird to me

[jalattes]

I love when a new ts album comes out because everyone once again crawls out of the woodwork to try to see the worst in anything she does

[jesuisgourde]

Okay, All Quiet On The Eastern Esplanade is out in the states, so time for a listen and a rambling track by track reaction. I'm listening to the whole album through and writing my thoughts, and then listening to it once more and adding any other observations.

I've already heard Run Run Run, and like I said before, it feels very classic Carl track. It's very catchy. I think I have the same complaint as everyone else, which is that it feels over-produced. No one should autotune the Libs, the whole point is that they're a bit wonky. Also I don't like that they've fucked with the equalizer and the vocals sound weirdly muffled? Also, upon this listen-through, this song reminds me a little of Frank Turner, which is a weird musical callback to like 2012. My favorite thing in any song is when the instrumentals cut out and it's just drums and vocals, so I love that as the ending of the song. This whole album has so many varied cultural references which I find very entertaining. Does Peter yell "Get your pants off" or "Get your hands off"?

Already I like the lyric to Mustangs A LOT. Feeling a Lou Reed influence there. Love Peter's high-pitched backing vocals and also the Pigman reference. I really love Libs songs where it's just a little scene set to music. And this is exactly that, in such a good way. Again, not a fan of the mixing. What is it with producers these days and mixing so shittily that the vocals get lost in the background instruments, and everything gets muddied? I had the exact same complaint with the last Manics album. Anyway, love the little jokey bits at the end. The second verse about the nun is such fantastic imagery. (Lastly, I thought it was Mustang, singular? But it's plural on Spotify?)

I Have A Friend has an AMAZING chorus I love it. Also that solo guitar bit from Carl right after, I literally could see him hopping up and down in my head. Love Peter's rolled R's. Okay, upon listening the second time round I really really really like this song. The lyrics are incredible. I think they're my favorite on the album. Social commentary but also absolutely beautiful and amazing imagery.

Merry Old England has a bit of a Hamburg Demonstrations vibe to it, which I love. The further I get into this song, the more I love it. It's such a creative and sarcastic critique of Tory policies and all that. Again, I've criticisms about the mixing. Also the pretty violins makes me miss Miki Beavis's wonky violin in Madres, which I think suits Peter/The Libs way better. Still, they add a nice touch.

Ohhh I love Man With The Melody, the clear pretty vocals. I like that each of the Libs have their own verse, that's so cool! Fuck the autotuning though. I really like this song. Melodically it sounds like a sequel to Milkman's Horse, and thematically a sequel to Fame And Fortune. It sounds like a "reply" or a look back at Anthems. Very pretty, with the lovely piano and minimalist guitar.

Hahahha Oh Shit! feels soooooo early 2000s American pop, in a fun way. It reminds me of something but I can't quite put my finger on it. Something that was on the radio a lot in like 2003 or 2004 maybe? This is clearly a Fun Song, like a slosh your drinks around while dancing all goofy type song. Peter's "And that was the news today" at the end is so silly. I think this track is my least favorite but it is fun.

I already know I love Night Of The Hunter. Firstly because anything that uses the Swan Lake motif has my heart instantly. But also because I love the lyrics, I love when Peter writes songs about noir-type vignettes. Finally, some good shared vocals that aren't drowned out by instruments. Gosh, I love the lyrics of this song, I love the dual meaning in that it is technically about an actual noir film but could easily be talking about Peter's past as well. I really like that the lyrics get priority on this one and the instrumentals are pushed back in the mix with the Swan Lake motif coming forward sometimes. It feels like it needs that minimalism.

The guitar on Baron's Claw is already great from the start. I hear Peter's taking a leaf out of Daniel Darc's book with the close-in breathy vocals, which I'm so into because since I learned about Daniel Darc from Peter and Frederic Lo I've actually fallen in love with his music too. Melody-wise it's very close to The Glassblower from the Fantasy Life album, which is my favorite song off that album, so I'm not surprised I like this song too. I like the story in the song and I like the jazzy brass and piano and Peter's vocals. It feels like it's being sung in a smoky jazz bar. This one is so good.

Shiver is sooo catchy. I find myself humming it sometimes at work even though I haven't yet absorbed all the lyrics in my memory. This is also the real "Libertines mythology" song, so of course it's good. The fact that the lyrical subject matter is made up only of criticizing the monarchy and talking about specific Libertines lore is just so them. It's so short, though! I wish it were longer!

The guitar on Be Young is so chaotic lol. It reminds me of Horrorshow a bit. Okay, actually this whole song is chaotic. Melodically, lyrically, it sounds like they were crashing around in the studio while recording, which is very fun. The random calypso bridge bit is so....random! I like it, just a surprise in terms of musical style change. Suddenly they're the Clash! A fun way to pay homage to influences, I think. Also Carl yelling "Woo!" and then collapsing into a cough at the end is really really funny.

I can definitely hear the early-ness of Songs They Never Play On The Radio. You can tell the scaffolding is there from that early set of Libertines-to-Shambles transition songs like East Of Eden/Love Reign Over Me/Merry Go Round etc. I really really like the guitar on this one. And the vocals are so nice. Again I don't like the mix, where Peter's voice is a bit overtaken by the muddiness of the backup singers and instrumentals. But I do like this song a lot. The lyrics are pure Libertines mythology. Ahahah the dogs howling! The bit of acoustic and messing about and chat, I really like that. I think it's a really lovely ending to the album, just a glimpse of them obviously being friends and having fun. It's like a beautiful reply to the question "What became of the likely lads?"

As I've only listened through the album in full twice at this point, I'm sure my thoughts will change over time. But at the moment I think my favorite is torn between Night Of The Hunter and Baron's Claw. I Have A Friend and Songs They Never Play also are just so lyrically good. Least favorite is definitely Oh Shit. I'm excited to see which songs grow on me and in what ways.

[girlfriendsofthegalaxy]

tuesday again 1/23/2024

listen i got my last job through one of youse on here so weirder things have happened: i got fired bc the nonprofit wasn’t doing so hot. let me know if you have a weird data/database or market/tech research job. i promise my worksona is so so so nice and pleasant to work with. remote only, looking more in the $75k range but can be a bit flexible if it’s a cool enough job, i am in the central time zone of the USA and will not need sponsorship anywhere but DO need the cadillac of healthcare and dental plans. portfolio, publication list, and linkedin with my government name available on request!

listening

both of these are from my sister! this is another FULL ALBUM rec (good lord). The Offline’s album La couleur de la mer is a soundtrack to a movie that doesn’t exist, inspired by his long walks in the fog on the French Atlantic coast. a little spacey, a little soul, very sixties/seventies neonoir. i am quite fond of the very first track, Thème de la couleur de la mer.

she’s also sent me a bunch of tiktoks with Perfect (Exceeder) by Mason and Princess Superstar. hell of a goddamn music video for this thing. mid-aughts clubbing music at its finest. stopped me from dissolving into a puddle of emotions on the way to and from the vet today bc it’s too goddamn bouncy to be sad around

reading

im reading a trilogy i want to discuss as a whole whenever the third one comes through as a library hold, and a book by a friend. i do not typically talk about books or fics by friends here bc none of them have ever asked for critique, and i dont want to play favorites or inadvertently miss someone’s work. so here’s a story about porn on Wikimedia, which is the kind of database drama and technical arguments that fascinate me.

given the number of articles from 404 Media i shout about here and elsewhere i really should sign up for their $5/mo subscription tier when i have a steady income again

watching

somehow missed Star Wars Visions 2, their second anthology of weird little shorts. i was not super impressed by the overall storytelling this time around, but it was fun to see them reach out to more global studios and see a wider range of styles. there’s some goddamn incredible stop motion in here.

i particularly enjoyed Journey to the Dark Head, which not only has some interesting fringe Force believers and beliefs but has one of the sickest anime bullshit lightsaber fights in this season. this one is by Studio Mir, most known for the Legend of Korra.

also really liked The Spy Dancer by Studio La Cachette, partly bc it’s incredibly beautiful and i like when Star Wars leans into art nouveau, and partly bc it felt the most like a complete short story. emotional arc and everything! strong beginning middle and end! this IS a really low bar, but a lot of the shorts this season did not have a coherent little story to tell or a strong emotional arc, or fumbled their arc partway through, and were just kind of vibes and animation showcases? nothing necessarily wrong with that, also how i felt about most of the last collection. my expectations are underground for any Star Wars media.

playing

as is tradition i dithered about this section the most. this is more of a What’s Next? planning ramble.

the laptop gets shipped back to my old job today so i will no longer have a working modern computer. i have to dig the switch out and see what’s up. maybe start a whole new run in breath of the wild or whatever the last pokemon game was. i think i also have the sword boyfriend game everyone was up in arms about two years ago? and i think i am somehow part of a switch family plan that lets me have some older games?

this section may look very different in the next ??? amount of time until i get a company laptop again. or finally replace the motherboard on my personal desktop but that sat in my car for several weeks during the heat wave this summer while i did not have an apartment and i am really REALLY afraid to open that box.

oh the free epic game this week is a platformer, a genre i have historically not cared about. godspeed to those of you who do

making

soup bc aldi had alphabet pasta and that jolted me out of myself for long enough i was briefly convinced making alphabet pasta soup would fix me. so i found this recipe while in aldi. despite this not being a very good soup or a very good recipe, i feel a little triumphant bc i now know enough to brown the tomato paste before putting it in the soup. unfortunately i overcooked the pasta. there’s kind of a lot of texture happening here, and i wish i had chopped things finer, but i will probably steal my best friend’s blender tomorrow and blitz some of it down.

it’s edible. im going to eat it all. it will not be going in the rotation

[cornbread-but-minecraft]

What I Don't Like About Minecraft's Modern Music Part 1 - The Nether Update

hey, would you look at that! i'm actually making a post i said i was going to make. that almost never happens. anyway, i have a lot of opinions on minecraft's music, especially how it's been handled in recent (-ish) updates, so i figured i'd make a post series about it.

we'll be going update-by-update, just to make things simpler and a bit more future-proof. each post will be split into four sections, those being:

The Music Itself,

How it's Used In-Game,

How it's Broken on Bedrock Edition, and

How it Affects Cornbread's Music Fixer (my resource pack).

this will be, in no way, a full collection of all my thoughts on the subject, especially since they keep changing as the game itself does. but it will be my general feelings. anyway

The Music Itself

it's good.

wow. what an original take. no-one's ever enjoyed the nether update soundtrack before.

okay, but actually, yeah. music's really good. i don't really have much to say about the music's quality other than that. it's probably the only soundtrack in the past few years that straight-up has no misses. i do have some critiques tho.

firstly, very odd choice to center the new music so heavily around piano when C418's existing nether music has so much emphasis on other instruments. it's especially noticeable with rubedo. rubedo is probably the closest this album gets to being not very good.

chrysopoeia and so below seem to just kinda start their main melodies without any kind of fade-in, which (spoilers) isn't something i really like in the newer soundtracks. buuuut, i think it actually kinda works here. both tracks start with a not insignificant period of ambience before the main melody really kicks in, so, by the time you've noticed that the track is playing, it's already been playing for at least half a minute.

it especially helps that the nether itself received a lot of ambience in this update. it ensures that the tracks are never starting up from complete silence, which is a big part of the problem with tracks like bromeliad, for example. but i'm getting ahead of myself. also, pretend i'm not overusing the word 'especially', pretty please.

pigstep is in a noticeably different genre to all the previous music discs, a trend that would continue for years to come. i do not understand music genres enough to explain just how they're different, but they are. like a lot. not sure how i feel about this.

How it's Used In-Game

the nether update is the first* to have biome-specific music, and i (mostly) think it did it wonderfully. chrysopoeia and so below fit their biomes really really well. all the new biomes play and feel so distinct from each other it'd probably feel weirder if they didn't have biome-specific music.

and that's where my praise of this soundtrack ends.

let's start with the second-biggest thing and move our way up: the nether update added four new biomes and three new music tracks.

but fine. warped forests don't play music, so obviously they don't need their own track. so that leaves three new (music-playing) biomes and three new music tracks. that's one new track per biome, right?

no.

rubedo is exclusive to the nether wastes. the biome that was already there. the biome that is already heavily associated with C418's nether music. the biome C418's nether music was written for.

i feel like they should have had lena write a new track for the basalt deltas instead. as it stands, basalt deltas share their soundtrack with soul sand valleys. and we know the music is for soul sand valleys because java edition gave each one of these new tracks their own folder and so below's folder is named 'soulsand_valley'.

but if i'm being honest, all that up there really isn't that big of a deal. it's just a little weird. but the second thing i want to touch on actually is really bad and is kinda why rubedo's existence is such an issue for me.

each biome in the nether plays one biome track from the nether update and all four general nether tracks from volume beta... in theory. in actuality, the volume beta tracks almost never play because the game is set up so that each biome is almost twice as likely to play their one biome track than any of the four general nether tracks. i don't just mean any individual general nether track - i mean all four of them as a unit.

i can understand what they were going for. since the general nether tracks play almost anywhere in the nether, they probably just wanted to make sure that the biome tracks had more of a chance, since they only play in their respective biomes. but the exact chances they chose are simply way too much in the nether update's favor.

even the nether wastes, which give their biome track (rubedo) a weight of 6 instead of the usual 7, are still dominated by their one, single biome track. C418's dimension-defining music became a rarity all throughout the nether. and it makes what was once the best soundtrack in the game very, very repetitive and grating.

*i say the nether update was the first to have biome-specific music, but that's not actually entirely true. underwater music is also technically biome-specific, but it's much more known for being exclusive to the underwater than to any specific group of biomes. also, technically, it wasn't added to bedrock edition until the nether update, which i will be talking about soon.

like, right now.

How it's Broken on Bedrock Edition

okay, i lied. well, no. i said something misleading. (well, actually, i typed something misleading). basically, i'm not going to be talking about underwater music just yet. i will instead be talking about nether music first, and then underwater music. since this is the nether update post.

for some context, before the nether update, bedrock edition played all of its music at 10% to 30% volume, depending on the track. nether music specifically was played at 15% volume.

contrast this with java edition, which played all of its music at 100% volume. when java edition received the nether update soundtrack and fucked it up in all the ways i've already described previously in the post, it decided to play its new tracks at 50% volume, since the files themselves are so much louder than the existing C418 tracks.

how do you think bedrock edition handled this?

they could've done some math and decided to play the new tracks at 7.5% volume, since that's 50% of 15%. they could have doubled the volume of the existing nether music and had the new music play at 15% volume to keep the numbers round, and they almost did, but not quite.

see, this was around the time where parity was starting to become something important, so instead of adapting the java edition solution to work with bedrock edition, they just completely copied it, playing C418's nether tracks at 100% volume and lena's at 50%.

they did not change the volume of the rest of the music.

so this left the game in a situation where overworld and end music played at 10% to 30% volume and nether music played at 50% to 100% volume, which is a really big difference, but at least you had to change dimensions to hear it, so it's not as noticeable, right?

no. i misled you again.

during development, the soul sand valleys were internally referred to as 'soulsand valleys', with soulsand as one word. this is incorrect, so java edition ended up changing it before release. bedrock edition usually doesn't see the point in changing internal IDs (case in point, the flattening is ongoing as i type this in the year 2024), so it didn't do this. it did, however, change the name of the sound event the biome uses as music.

another thing bedrock edition doesn't like doing is fully removing features. so, when i say they changed the name of 'music.game.soulsand_valley' to write soul sand as two words, what i actually mean is they added a new sound event for that.

this new sound event is the one that got fixed up before release.

yet another thing bedrock edition doesn't like doing is having a biome's internal ID not match the name of the sound event it uses as music. i think you can see where i'm going with this. bedrock edition uses an outdated sound event for soul sand valley music.

remember when i said the bedrock team 'almost played the new nether tracks at 15% volume'? yeah, this is what i meant. 'music.game.soulsand_valley' plays so below at 15% volume.

so, to recap all of that, in version 1.16, the nether update, bedrock edition plays all of its music - menu, overworld, end, creative mode, dragon fight, end poem, etcetera - at 10% to 30% volume (really quiet), except for nether music, which it plays at 50% to 100% volume (really fucking loud), except for soul sand valley music, which it plays at 15% volume like the rest of the game! soul sand valleys are even inconsistent with basalt deltas, which are supposed to have an identical soundtrack.

did i mention that the outdated soul sand valley music sound event doesn't play any of C418's tracks like it's supposed to?

underwater music! is a lot simpler to explain.

basically, on bedrock edition, underwater music plays at 20% volume. this is technically within bedrock's previous range. it's just really loud. not loud enough to be in parity with java edition (which plays underwater music at 40% volume), but definitely loud enough to be noticeably inconsistent with other overworld music.

i simply wouldn't have chosen 20% volume, is what i'm saying.

How it Affects Cornbread's Music Fixer

it wouldn't be a me post if i didn't mention this pack at least a little bit, would it?

okay, so technically, the pack didn't exist until sometime after the wild update, but leaving both this and the caves and cliffs soundtrack until the wild update post would just be a lot, so i'm going to be talking about how this pack deals with nether and underwater music right now, as well as the history of those.

the very earliest versions of this pack were very bare bones. i didn't even notice the volume of music was inconsistent at the time, i just wanted swamp music to be less everywhere. but, version 1.0.0 did still change nether music a little bit, in that it made C418's tracks more prominent.

first things i did were i made soul sand valley music consistent with basalt deltas, and then i lowered the weights of chrysopoeia and so below from 7 to 4. this gives the game a 50-50 chance of playing either the biome's biome track or one of C418's general nether tracks, so that the new biomes still predominantly play their own unique music without being irritatingly repetitive.

i didn't want to remove rubedo completely, so i just lowered its weight to 1, so that it still plays, but with a 20% chance and not vanilla's 60%. this makes the nether wastes predominantly C418's volume beta music, as it should be.

fun fact: when i was first porting this pack to java edition, i actually forgot to tweak the weights of the nether music and had to fix it in a patch, so that's why the earliest version on modrinth is 1.0.1 and not 1.0.0.

it took me a while after that for me to change the volume to make it consistent with other music. odd, since that quickly became a major feature of the pack. but eventually, i did one of the things i suggested mojang do earlier in the post: i changed the volume of C418's nether music to 30% and lena's nether music to 15%. (well, in the bedrock style of the pack. eventually, i split the pack into bedrock and java "styles" that are separate from the edition any given release of the pack is for).

at the same time, i lowered underwater music to 10% volume. (also in bedrock style only). and that's how nether and underwater music have stayed in this pack all the way to the current version 1.4.1.

---

oof that was a long post. took me multiple days to write it and it's probably going to end up being one of the shorter ones in this series. or maybe not since i have to explain a bunch of context in this one that i won't have to later. idk ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[thisaintascenereviews]

Green Day - Saviors

You know what, I’m gonna say it — I’ve never liked Green Day that much. They’re one of those bands that I respect a lot for what they’ve done for their respective genre, and I do enjoy a few albums from them, but they’ve got way more misses than hits in my book. I just never have been able to fully get into them, and even on the albums I like, I still have some issues with them. I don’t know if it’s vocalist Billie Joe Armstrong’s nasally vocals, or his whiny lyrics (that do lean into political territory from time to time, and they work for the most part, although feeling heavy handed every now and again), or the band’s penchant for relatively safe pop-punk, they’ve just never fully clicked for me. Believe you me, I have tried to get into them, and like I said, I enjoy a few albums from them, but they’re the bigger albums, such as American Idiot and Dookie. I’ve tried to listen to other albums, and it just doesn’t click for me. I never even listened to their last album, because I heard it was pretty bad, even by their standards, but in all fairness, Green Day is a band that’s almost 40 years old, so this is their late career era. A lot of bands get there and either end up making music with diminishing returns, or they just end up not making anything new at all and lean into being a legacy act. If they have more to say, good for them, but for the longest time, I didn’t think they did.

I’m not sure what compelled me to take a look at their new album, Saviors, but the singles they had put out before its release had people saying good things. I figured I’d wait to check out the whole album, since it was only just a couple months away, but here it is. I was ready to write this album off after a couple of listens as a solid Green Day album, but that’s about it, and my original review was going to reflect that, but something told me to give the album another listen. After giving the album a couple more listens, I gotta admit something — this is the first time in a long time that I’ve enjoyed a Green Day album. Saviors isn’t a perfect album, but it’s awfully close. There’s a lot to like, even love, on this album. I won’t pretend this album is the best thing I’ve ever heard, but if you’ve been disappointed with Green Day’s output for the last decade (hell, maybe the last two decades), this is a solid return to form. It’s no frills pop-punk and alternative with some other influences and ideas thrown in that don’t feel forced or weird for the sake of it.

Opening track “The American Dream Is Killing Me” sets the tone pretty well, as this song is on the political spectrum, but it does that thing they do with being political but not very specific. They throw a few barbs and punches in obviously the “right” direction, if you know what I mean, but it’s never too explicit. Even on American Idiot, they weren’t too pointed with their critiques of the government at the time, just saying President Bush sucks, but I appreciate the sentiment. The album is mainly focused on relationships, rock and roll, and typical stuff from these guys, but some songs deal with nostalgia and looking back, such as one of my favorite cuts from the album, “1981,” or “Corvette Summer.” A few songs have a classic rock feel to them, but a lot of this record is firmly planted in pop-punk and alt-rock, and a lot of the riffs and melodies are pretty good. Billie Joe Armstrong sounds pretty good, although he doesn’t sound as strong as he used to, but that’s what age does to you. He still has a strong voice and he makes these hooks work, and the instrumentation is the same. I won’t pretend that I’m blown away here, but this is some solid stuff that I’ve been coming back to quite a lot, and I never thought I’d say that about a Green Day record.

Saviors may not be the best Green Day album of all time, but like with a lot bands releasing albums these days, it’s their best in years (how many years depends on how much you enjoy these guys), but the new Metallica and Fall Out Boy albums were the same way, at least for me. Those albums were the best things they’ve done in years, even though I enjoy a lot of their newer material, and the same can be said here. Saviors is a lot of fun, and I’m always surprised when the album is over, because it feels like I just started it. I’d listen to this if you want to hear what Green Day’s been up to in the last few years, or you want a good pop-punk album (although another album I’m going to review that came out the same day is admittedly better), you’ll enjoy this quite a lot. I’m having a lot of fun with this, and who knows, it may be one of the best of the year, or at least, an honorable mention. Green Day is a “classic rock” band at this point, so it’s cool they’re coming back with swinging with Saviors, and it’s worth hearing.

[taylorthrift]

Hi, SwiftiePride anon again, hope you're having a great Tuesday! I'm glad to be getting to know you. 😊 I'd love to hear more about some of your favorite songs on 1989 and folklore! What are some of the most meaningful lyrics to you? What are your top 5 (or 10 or 13 or whatever number you want haha) Taylor songs of all time? They don't need to be from those two albums. 😊 Have a good week!!!!!! ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💖

I am so sorry I haven't responded to this yet. It's been a very busy week for me which is 'new' to me having been in a deep depressive slump for 6 years.

I'm not sure you want an essay on this so i'll try not to be as BLAHBLAHBLAHBLAHBLAH as I normally am!

I was tangentially a Taylor Swift fan pre 1989. I liked singles, sang along to them. When Red came out was when I really started to pay attention (the pop sounds are more my taste certainly) but it wasn't just the pop that got me it was the riveting storytelling. WANEGBT is such a fun romp of a music video-which leads me to 1989.

Shake it Off: I was in my 30s when Shake it Off came out and it was such a great time, watching it take over and be played EVERYWHERE. It was not just an earworm, but (along with the video) made Taylor into a fool for herself. She was so totally self effacing that it made everyone fall in love with her and the music. She recognized herself as a clown-and the media's obsession with her was the circus. I have a whole essay that I came to tumblr to write about initially about how as a result of learning how to do this myself my job title literally got to be "Rockstar" (I worked as an IT Director at a national non profit)

Welcome to New York: An underrated song of the experience of moving to new york (something I too had done in my early 20s)

Blank Space: A brilliant satire and feminist critique of the narrative the world had built around her. A banger to boot. (And more making fun of her self) For years this was my favorite Taylor Swift song.

Style: Probably the sexiest song I know. The lines alone don't do it justice, but the way she sings "He said what you heard is true but I, can't stop thinking about you, and I, I say i been there too a few times" Is some deeply passionate relatable real romance. This wasn't the fairytale romance of "love story" this was people with chemistry who keep trying other things and keep being drawn back to each other. This wasn't just sex, this was magnetism and the tone she incants with it is so evocative.

Clean: Catharsis. A song that relates to addiction of any kind. "so i punched a hole in the roof" was more powerful than the climax any show or series i'd watched or read. It breaks me every time. It is the perfect end to the album.

(weird coincidence time: Wonderland was what I called the world that my boyfriend and I had built together as a safe retreat from the world. I have always had an Alice in Wonderland obsession, i have a whole spot in my house filled with Alice dolls and books. I bought this house because it had a cool display cabinet built into the front hall. I joined this fandom (april 14th) after breaking up with my boyfriend (on april 8th a few hours before the rumors about taylor and joe breaking up reached me) and losing my 'Wonderland'...I did not know literally, honestly till april 20th of this year that Taylor had a Wonderland on 1989. And then-as i was reeling from this information-the next night Taylor did Wonderland as her secret song.)

Wait I think I have failed at not writing an essay somehow.

Folklore is ...really raw for me right now? I have trouble thinking about it or talking about it because so much of my relationship is bound up in me using those songs to communicate how i was feeling with my ex.

Mirrorball was our love song though. A sad tragedy of me always spinning for him-desperate to keep his attention. It's beautiful but it's a terrible fate to always be working for the attention of one person and they're not working to get yours.

... :(

which is i guess where Hoax comes in. he never cheated on me-just, had lots of other stuff going on and didn't have as much time for me as I had for him? I was everything to him by words-but by actions and where he spent his time and how he spent his time....it was a faithless love and i desperately was begging him for a reason to stay in the relationship.

and Peace: I am a tormented woman. I have incredible gifts and love and sincerity in abundance, but my depression takes and takes and takes. There is no happy ending with me-there is little comfort to be found. And I could give love forever and never love myself.

i um

[bigteefsmallbrain]

General Soul Eater HCs please

Soul Eater: General headcanons

Death the Kid:

He’s an art critic

Hear me out

He is obsessed with symmetry, and loves the beauty in it

So when he sees something non-symmetrical, especially in art, he can’t help but to critique it

May go as far as to send a personal letter to the artist (If they’re alive) about how offensive it is that they created something so asymmetrical

If he can’t send a letter to the artist, he’ll send one to the owner/museum and request it be taken down, while listing reasons why it’s horrible.

Anything he writes has an even amount of letters and words

Be that his test answers

Essays

Letters

Diary entry

Speaking of diary entries, he definitely has one

But it’s actually just a catalogue of symmetrical things he’s seen

He puts photos into it and writes about how beautiful it was to see

He doesn’t care what it is much, just that it was beautiful

Meaning he takes photos of people too

Which can be unnerving at times

He’s probably taken a photography class before, or at the very least is self taught

Literally has a photo album of things he views are beautiful, but non symmetrical and he would die if anyone found it

Like a particular sunset with uneven hills

Or a flower with one too many petals

Definitely has an 8 ball, not a magic one, just an 8 ball, it’s placed on a velvet pillow in his room and he frequently polishes it

Elizabeth Thompson:

Makes several backup plans as a way to cope

Especially after dealing with an experience with a ghost

She has notebooks full of them, labeled and detailed

At one point she started putting them in alphabetical order but stopped immediately when she realized Kid’s perfectionist habits were rubbing off on her

She practices acting in the mirror

Usually so she can charm a man into dating her

But also to con people

She used to be a “Street rat” and that thought of ending up on the streets again constantly plagues her mind

She takes full advantage of the “Rich life”

Shopping sprees

Quality makeup

Salons and spa days

The works

She lets Patty’s thought that she knows everything get to her head

The fact alone that her sister believes in her that much is enough to make her a bit egotistical

And Patty’s admiration for the girl makes it ten times worse

She literally doesn’t care if she ends up being wrong because she’ll just be right next time anyways

So stubborn in that aspect

Patricia Thompson:

She likes dark humor

You can’t convince me otherwise, you actually can’t, I have evidence

She made an origami Giraffe, and broke its neck

Laughed when Kid said he “wants to die”

She literally pokes him with a stick when he’s depressed

She likes dark humor, and probably looks up jokes to tell others just for kicks

She’s secretly sadistic, and likes scaring her sister and others

She may act naïve and innocent, but she is anything but

She definitely has, more than once, banged on Liz’s door at 3AM just to hear her sister squeal like a little girl

Honestly, she probably purposefully gets their pose wrong, just to see her sisters annoyance and laugh when Kid gets smacked

She likes origami

Probably first got into it because of the paper ninja stars

Then just found it relaxing

She most likely makes the ninja stars mostly, and keeps a box of her origami creations somewhere

Has in the past, and will not hesitate to do so again, beat someone up for kicks or just to destress

Patty has two faces, the childlike innocent one, and the insane anger one

So it’s not too far fetched to say that she’ll hide her anger till she can corner someone alone and beat them up

Or that she gets bored and decides to do so

I wouldn’t be too surprised if her sister occasionally joined as well

Maka Albarn:

She’s a Harry Potter nerd and you can’t convince me otherwise

She loves the concept of magic

Loves the dynamic between Ron and Hermione, though feels a bit of Deja vu thinking about it

Probably used to write fanfiction, but in a way that made it seem like it was actually part of the story

She will hit you if you mention it

Definitely the type to compare books to their movie counterparts

Not in like, a critic way, but she will definitely rant about the differences, or how a character looks exactly like she imagined, or if they didn’t put in a particular scene she liked in the book

Forces Soul into movie nights, but it’s only the movie counterparts to her books

I can see her forcing everyone into a group study session

Be super organized about it, and setting it up in a way so that no one can refuse

She probably has specific ways for everyone to study

Like having Black☆Star work out while studying so he retains the knowledge better

Or setting up the session in a symmetrical way so Kid doesn’t freak out about it

She writes letters to her mom, as a coping mechanism for when her emotions get to be a little too much

Like when she’s having a bad day

Or if she’s particularly peeved at something Soul did

She writes a lot more letters when it comes around the time of her mom's birthday or death anniversary

She likes the thought of an old timey romance, and often listens to songs that give off that kind of feel

She really likes “It’s Been a Long, Long Time”, it’s one of her favorites

She also likes the old Disney songs, like “Once Upon a Dream” and “So This Is Love”

She would be so embarrassed if anyone found out though, especially if it was her dad or Soul

She isn’t quite sure why she’s so worried about Soul finding out though

Speaking of, she half realizes, half doesn’t with anyone's romantic feelings, including her own

She’ll fantasize about getting a love letter or having someone present her with a bouquet of roses

But if it actually happens she’s like “Oh, thanks friend!”

She knows the behaviors, she just can’t put two and two together

They would have to be extremely blunt, no over dramatic confession, just “I’m in love with you and want to be romantically involved with you”

She reads dictionaries for fun

She really likes to read out of date dictionaries, just to see what words and slang existed back then

She also highlights words she likes and uses them frequently on accident

She has most definitely yelled “I have cupid’s kettlebells*! I’m not flat!” at Soul before

Soul Evans:

Bottles. Up. His. Emotions.

He’s influenced by “toxic masculinity” and fully believes that being vulnerable in a serious way “isn’t cool”

He will bottle everything up so deep down inside that it seems impossible for it to surface

Feelings of inferiority to others? Bottled

Want to cry or break down? Nope, gotta be cool

Started crying in front of someone and can’t stop? He’s not crying, you’re clearly blind

Speaking of crying, once he starts, and I mean genuinely starts, it’s so hard to get him to calm down, and even then the tears don’t stop

Sometimes he’ll start to freak out and send himself into a panic attack because the tears just won’t stop

He’s that influenced by the thought of being vulnerable

On a lighter note, he does adore playing the piano, but the only person he’ll play for is Maka

He swears it’s not favoritism, and it’s partially true, but favoritism does play a large role in it

He frequently drags Maka to his room to show her a new piece he put together

And if he notices her feeling a little down that day, he’ll start playing a song that he knows she likes

He definitely knows about her love for old timey romance songs and is very embarrassed to admit a lot of the pieces he constructs are based off of that

The walls are p a p e r t h i n , he can hear her music through the walls

He secretly finds it adorable when he catches her listening to it because she’ll be dancing around to it

He also frequently finds himself thinking about those moments

He’s the stereotype that parents tell little girls about, with how boys will bully their crush

He’s a lot more playful and easy going, but still teases Maka, so much

Unlike Maka, he’s fully aware of his feelings, and acknowledges them, but bottles it up, only letting himself entertain the thought every once in a while

He jabs at Maka’s lack of “Cupids Kettlebells” as a way to try and ensure she won’t fall for him, because he doesn’t know what he’ll do if she does

He reads the same dictionaries that Maka does, not for fun, but so he can know just what the actual h e l l she’s saying

More than once he’s had to look up a particular word or phrase online because he can’t find it in the dictionary

“What the hell? It’s an old Victorian saying!? Where does she keep finding this stuff!?”

Subconsciously, as time goes on, he starts using old phrases as well, he was so embarrassed the first time he got caught saying “Keep your idle daddles* off of her!” when defending someone from a perv.

Black☆Star:

Is so unbelievably selfish with food

It’s not even funny

He will stab someone if they reach for his food

He surprisingly eats healthy most of the time though?

Says something like “I have to otherwise I’ll never surpass the gods!”

The only person who could ever p o s s i b l y steal his food is Tsubaki, but even that’s pushing it

He has the weirdest dreams, and I mean weird

Dreams like being turned into a potato and being cooked, mashed, and devoured by Tsubaki herself

He didn’t talk to her for a week after that dream, and refused to eat potatoes for a full year because “You never know if it could be a person turned into a potato!”

He was also very offended when Tsubaki ate potatoes during that time period

He takes things very literally

Like up above, if someone does something in a dream, he acts like it was real

Or if someone makes a joke about fighting, he will drag them outside to fight

He’s secretly scared of Tsubaki

But it’s for literally the stupidest reason

And he fully believes that because of it she could fight god and win

She used to have a pet cockroach

One of the flying ones

And he is so unbelievably scared of them, because for some reason they just don’t die, and they have w i n g s

So the fact she owned one as a pet scares him so bad even though it was literally for only a week

He has a soft spot for children

He doesn’t really know why

He just does

Is secretly really good with kids

Literally the definition of dad material

He has his flaws but still

Little kids are the only people who could steal his food and get away with it

Every. Time. and it makes the others so mad

Tsubaki Nakatsukasa:

What can I say, she’s perfect

She probably receives love letters

Reads them over when she’s feeling sad

Likes to keep them in a shoebox she painted

She definitely paints to unwind and relax

Likes to go outside and paint the sunrise/sunset

Takes note of beautiful scenery so she can come back in her free time and paint it

She probably draws/sketches too

Carries a sketchbook with her

More than likely has drawn Black☆Star doing something

Like napping or training

She’d never show him though, too scared of inflating his ego or giving him the wrong idea

Stress bakes/cooks

We know she cooks

Liz took advantage of it and pretended Tsubaki’s cooking was her own

So we know she does

Sometimes painting/drawing doesn’t cut it

So she heads to the kitchen and bakes away her worries and unwinds

The main reason Tsubaki would possibly be spared from Black☆Star’s stabbing habit with food is because she cooks all the meals

She makes sure everyone is comfortable around her

She’ll go as far as to learn someone's customs and practice cooking their unique cuisine just to make sure that they feel comfortable and safe in her presence

She radiates mom friend energy

She’s perfect mom material, perfect wife material, perfect in general honestly

*Cupid's Kettlebells is a old term for a woman's bust

*Idle daddles is a old term for hands

I Hope you like these general headcanons for the main seven! You didn’t say which characters you’d like to see, so I played it safe by putting the main characters! Thank you for the ask!

[strangestcase]

I made fanfic of the metal band AU (sent by anon)

New Orleans Observer music section

Triple-I (Insidious Insidious Incident) by Grail Marcus 

  Triple I is touring America to promote its new album Legacy. Despite it being their sophomore release, this is their first original album. Their debut album, Covered Mirror, was all covers. While it contained jams such as  covers of Bring me the horizon’s ‘1x1’ and Mindless Self-Indulgence’s “Lights Out”, Covered Mirror is mediocre at best. The last two songs are saved only by Brownstone’s drums and Hyde’s vocals. 

Legacy is made better by inclusion of Bassist Bass Olmstead. His guitar solo on “Lights Out (Better and Bloodier)” adds the oomph that it’s Covered Mirror version lacks. 

Bass is a songwriter in his own right. His debut song, “We Love our Craft” is a biting critique of H.P. Lovecrafts infamous racism.

However most songs are written by Hyde and See. See compares the two to Lemon and Moth-Cartney of the Beatles. “I’m Moth-Cartney and He’s Lemon,” See claims, “I just want to write silly metal songs about Satan and Death and Hyde actually cares about social issues”.

This is most evident in Hyde’s song “TRANSformation”. Written from an intersection of lived experiences, the song compares his family condition to the pain of being transgender and in the closet.

Hyde, who is open about his own transition says: “representation is important. There are very few trans men in the media and all of them are human or human-passing. I’m willing to answer awkward questions about my identity and transition if it makes some young teen watching feel less like a freak.”

Musically, Triple I is still developing its style. While “Lava Falls”, “Brodie”, “Shadows in the Desert (Evil Twin)”, “Mr. La Vey” and “TRANSformation” are solidly metal, other songs are not. “We love our craft” is a pop song. “Bells of Notre Dame” is gothic rock. “The Ballad of Mina Harker” is a 70’s power ballad. “Strange Case” is a 7-verse country song chronicling a man’s entire life and contains two choruses, the second is somewhere between country and metal (not a combination I ever considered). The band is marketed as metal but See claims to find the label confining. 

The album showcases its members considerable talent, Alabaster Brownstone does a breathtaking drum solo on “The Bells of Notre Dame”, a tribute to his cathedral home. “Light Out (better and bloodier)”, “We Love our Craft”, and “Shadows in the Desert (Evil Twin)” spotlights Olmstead’s talent though guitar solos. Hyde shines throughout but especially on the songs he wrote himself. Most of his songs are written in third person with three notable exceptions. 

“TRANSformation” is sung from the perspective of a person switching between two bodies each with its own gender identity. The angst comes not from having two seemingly incompatible identities but from having to conceal a part of oneself. The song quotes from Stevenson’s letter to Mansfield, “the hypocrite let out the beast Hyde” in its chorus and uses the line to good effect. 

The “Ballad of Mina Harker” is sung from the perspective of her husband Jonathan and is a tribute by Hyde to his Great-Great Grandmother. “I’m technically 1/16th Vampire,” Hyde says pointing to his fangs, “It is a pleasure to to be related to the Harkers and they have been the Jekyll family lawyers since they married into the Uttersons.”

“Strange Case” is a 7 verse country song with each verse showing a snapshot of Henry Jekyll’s life. While the verses are third person, both the choruses are both first person. The bridge suddenly changes the song into a metal song and the second chorus is clearly from the Perspective of Edward Hyde. “It’s weird to play our own murderous Great-Great-Grandfather, but also cathartic. I’m basically telling the world I’m NOT him, it’s just an act.” - the singer explains his own mixed feelings. 

I personally nearly jumped when I heard the bridge and to hear this haunting hoarse androgynous voice coming from a 20-something young man, stranger yet to suddenly see the family resemblance even though 4 generations. 

Founder Eye-Zack See’s song “Lava Falls” tells of the creation of Fire Elementals. The song using Gospel and Gothic Rock influences to good effect but makes it less than the sum of its badly-sewn parts. 

“Mr. La Vey” is a parody of Ozzy Osborne’s “Mr.Crowley” and is the weakest of the Album.  Even the minute long humorous ditty “Hedges are not Scary” is better than “Mr. La Vey”. The song critiques “The Shining”, and is preceded by a short skit. 

Hyde harkens back to his days as a Radio Disc Jockey in his college days to answer a question of a caller (played by See), whether hedges coming to life are scary. The answer is a resounding vibrato “NO!”.

Surrounded by so much talent and raw confessional songs, See’s witty offerings seem meager in comparison. A lifelong orphan, Eye-Zack and his sister are sole representatives of their species. This uncertainty about his heritage contributes to See’s unwillingness to write songs from his personal experience.While it would be unfair to compare See’s song to the musical and lyrical talent of Hyde, for whom musical talent and dry British wit runs in the family, let us briefly compare See to Olmstead. Unlike See, who started the band with Brownstone in his basement, Olmstead has only recently left his hometown of Innsmouth and is a newcomer to the musical scene. Olmstead’s debut song is littered with rookie mistakes and slant rhymes but it has a raw passion that See’s more polished songs are lacking. Even if Olmstead isn’t singing, his voice is evident throughout the song. See’s songs have a Wildean sort of detachment to them that make them sound like they were written by anyone. 

I am not however impling See is incidental to the rest of the band, on the contrary, See is Triple I’s poster boy (the band is named after his most distinctive feature after all). Alabaster never gives interviews and his English is limited. Bass Olmstead is more than willing to give interviews but is cold and distant with fans. Hyde is infamous for dropping most of his interactions with groupies into the lap of his Alter Ego who politely turns them down. 

Little is known about this Alter Ego besides a few candids by Paparazzi (revealing him to be a pale bespectacled brunette rather than a dark-skinned redhead like Hyde) and the fact that he’s a Jekyll. Yellow journalists speculate this anonymity is because he’s human-passing and using this to his advantage as the medical school he attends is quite racist. 

Whatever the case it annoys the groupies to no end. “I just wanna score with him, not flirt awkwardly with his dorky human brother.” - says Linda Bird, an OG fan.

Here See shines. He is courteous with fans. He bats his three eyes flirtatiously at groupies but never touches them. He steps in when nosy journalists ask when Olmstead will hit Fish Puberty and develop the ‘Innsmouth look’. See translates for Alabaster when he is lost for words. See drags Hyde out of fights and negotiates disputes between him and his’ brother’. He is essentially a second manager. 

Triple I is a passing fad, the band plans to release one more album and disband. Eye-Zack plans to go on a vision quest to discover his own heritage. Olmstead plans to start his own band back in Innsmouth. Alabaster plans to return to his cathedral. Hyde wants to finish his medical degree. “Murder is not where I see myself in 5 years, releasing singles while working on my doctorate is…” Hyde confides. 

But as passing fads go triple I is the best boy band I’ve seen or heard in a while. Seeing them live is preferable but  for the rest of us unfortunate souls their album drops this August. 

  Grail Marcus has written several columns and also a book, “Phantom of the Opry” on the music of New Orleans.

[goodguydotmp3]

two questions: why don’t you like harry and do you really think harry villanized the weed video or do you think that was the people attempting to court him (azoffs)

Whew, this is a long one folx!

Why don’t you like Harry [Styles]?

Let me preface this response by saying that I’m a pretty new “fan” if one can still call me that. I got into the One Direction fandom in the summer of last year, and much of my opinions of the boys where shaped by fan reactions. After gathering more and more information however, I realized that the fandom and I were wrong about some things, and over hyping others. 

Still, it wasn’t until this year that I actually broke out of the Harry-centric bubble to realize that the shady goings on where much worse than I originally thought. Add to this my realization that Harry’s music really doesn’t withstand the test of time, and that his persona is pretty Stagnant, and I’ve come to feel rather bamboozled.

Of course I know that the entire point of his PR team is to sway public opinion of him one way, and if I ate it up that was part of the plan. That doesn’t mean I have to like it. It also doesn’t mean I feel any less hurt about it. It also doesn’t mean that I like when other people fawn over him, as quite a lot of what I’m going to say has been public knowledge, and some of it before I was even a fan.

A. Music

 Actually getting to a big part of the problem here, his music isn’t good. Well, not long term like I said in the preface. He doesn’t really have much of a vocal range despite being a singer for more than ten years. He does not care and acts like he does, often leading to him sounding like he’s screaming instead of singing. He’s lyrics are boring and flat, and his melodies are fine, they just don’t make up for his unmemorable lyrics. I personally think that the cause is him more heavily relying on song writers to fill in more in more, but that’s mostly because I don’t want to believe that the same person who wrote Happily and Olivia also wrote At the Dining Table and Treat People With Kindness, because that would just mean he’s getting worse or putting forth less effort. 

Of course one could argue that I’m not a professional, I don’t have the necessary Jargon to correctly critique, and I’m no longer a singer so I can’t even do what he does. But to that I say fuck off. I know what sounds good! I know what I like! 

Even more than that though, If you bought a product (non food), and you could only use that product for the first two weeks you bought it, you’d say it was a shit product! You’d scream from the rooftops that no one should ever buy this product because it’s crap! Well guess what? I pre-ordered Fine Line just to listen for two weeks and never pick it up again except for golden, she’s a funky tune every couple months. 

Besides the test of time, there is still the subject of actual talent/listenability if you will. I feel there’s four main categories when I listen to music that makes it worth listening to

1.Amazing voice

2.Awesome lyrics

3.Funky/ cool ass melody/Beat

4.Catchy as hell

Now, a song doesn’t need to be all four, however the more they have the more likely I am to like the song. Also, I’ve said “main categories” because I’ve definitely had songs were I just through the beat drop was cool, or maybe the bridge was sick as hell, or maybe I just liked the pacing or the way the singer/singers stressed a note. Alternatively there is a sweet spot for me of super depressing lyrics but a melody/ that makes you want to dance. See: most of After Laughter by Paramore, Lola By Mika. But in general, those four usually make me love a song long term.

If it’s an album, it usually Just has to sound like it belongs on the same album/ tell a story. Like I really don’t like albums that sound like it’s just a playlist of songs personally. I should be able to listen to a song and go “oh yeah, that’s off --- album” or I didn’t like the album as a whole. An album is a bit like an outfit to me. It’s not going to be all tops, nor does it need to be monochromatic, but it does need to go together

For Example, I love Four as an album. I thought it was amazing. I still hate Spaces and Illusion. I hate both of their melodies, I don’t like the Illusion intro, I’m not to keen on those lyrics, and they’re definitely not catchy, I skip every time. 

So taking that logic to Harry’s music, I think HS1 works very well as an album, almost all of the songs sound like they’re supposed to be there. And I hate every song but Kiwi. The lyrics are boring/don’t make a ton of sense, the melodies definitely don’t make up for that, he doesn’t have the range, and none of them are catchy! And then you get to Kiwi and she’s got that vibe you know? She’s a pop punk bop and I cannot fucking believe that Harry has one pop punk bop among unmemorable pop rock album.

Going to Fine line, It’s not as great as an album. There are some songs that don’t really feel like they fit? Like just going through the album, cherry doesn’t have any business being there? Like the lyrics fit sure, but what is that weird intro and outro? It probably would have been fine If the song didn’t have those two, but having them there upset the pace a bit I felt. And then there was Treat People With Kindness, which was really Jarring and doesn’t feel like it belongs on the album at all? It  actually feels like it’s trying to be Kiwi - it’s loud and garish, and the lyrics are trying to be carefree, but! It just doesn’t work! TPWK sounds like Hippie music! Kiwi sounds like Brendon Urie could sing it and people would be like “good ol Panic!”. And then the album goes back down into Fine line the song, which again is Jarring because you’ve had this TPWK monstrosity right before it.

Then, looking at the overarching theme of his music, It’s whiny piss baby music He hates to take responsibility for his actions! It’s all in his lyrics! And don’t get me wrong, I love Honest lyrics, but not if the person is an asshole! LIke I fucking hate confessions by Usher specifically becasue he’s talking about how much he’s a piece of shit in the most whiny and piss baby way, making it all about him and no the people he hurt. I also really hate that one song that Zayn did with Usher and Chris Brown, because you have these awful men completely misunderstanding what it means to write a love song, and then you have Zayn at the very end all like “actually I really am in love tho…” Esp Chris browns verse! It boils down to “Hey I know I was a asshole seven billion times but I miss you tho :(“ GIRL BYE! 

Harry sounds the exact same though, Except he can’t even blame himself for his own mistakes, and just wades through self pity about how the object of his affection won’t love him even though he didn’t even do anything except it wasn’t his fault and why are you still mad it wasn’t even his fault and he was young and reckless and drunk and horny. Like??? WRITE A NEW SONG TAYLOR SWIFT 2.0! There’s only so much you can repackage the same narrative before it becomes stale no Cinderella does not count keep that shit coming. And It really jumps out in his writing, even through 1d, although I will say there were some catchy beats, and awesome lines to keep him afloat back then. Although wtf was Walking in the Wind??? Choke!

Then there are the melodies I’m talking post wondee here which often give this 70’s pop rock vibe. Which fine I guess, it’s his brand, but that doesn’t make it interesting. Or new. Or fresh. Or an interesting take. 

Now I completely understand relying on nostalgia to boost people’s opinion, but you could at leas have the decency to actually have good music. For Example, Miss you by Louis Tomlinson has a very distinctive pop rock feel, but it’s also an amazing song. Great lyrics, amazing voice, catchy liddle diddy that happens to be reminiscent of that 2005- 2010 punk pop/emo pop feel. Sour diesel has that like,,,basey 90s pop feel, and it fucking works with the lyrics, and of course his voice is beautiful. When Walls dropped and Lou put out that playlist of songs that were an inspiration, you can hear the influences when you listen to the album, but they’re also really good songs in their own right, with amazing lyrics, and Louis’ distinctive voice. Comparing that to Harry, it seems like he’s mostly relying on people’s nostalgia rather than actually good music.

Okay so this last point I’m making on music is a little petty but it’s been like a week and I’m still pissed about it so I’m saying it now. Someone said that Harry Styles is the best pop rock artist right now???? Just admit that you don’t listen to pop rock tf. Louis Tomlinson is right there. Brendon Urie is right there. Mika is right there. Haley Williams is right there. Janell Monae is right there. I don’t listen to a lot of pop rock lol but i feel my point has been made

B. Public Persona

He get’s so much clout! SO MUCH CLOUT! For doing the bare minimum (this is not specifically about the fandom, that’s for later)! People will write all these glowing reviews of him for him??? Being polite??? Like okay and? Just because a person is polite doesn’t mean they’re fucking Jesus??? There’s a million and one stories so i’m not fucking looking them up but there’s the pizza story and the fish story and the plane story and the snl story and the Stormzy story and the WS story on and on and on! Stop giving this man brownie points for basic human decency. “I didn’t expect him to be like that!” okay is that because of their perception of what a rock star is supposed to be like? Because in that case we need to start holding people accountable for being assholes. Or is it because he seems like an asshole. Cause valid.

I also don’t like him leaning so heavily on the queer image thing. Like! If that’s how he likes to express himself, Fine, But so much of it is just...so manufactured! And I Know I’ve heard people say oh well he wore the one rainbow on his lapel that one time or he wore the shirt or he wore the Keith Harring.

1. That Rainbow pin is sus as hell I don’t care what ya’ll say It absolutely screams set up, if he wanted to not be seen he would have not been seen 

2. That goes for literally every other time. I can’t believe it’s not a set up to push a queer image. (that he profits from!)

3. If he actually did his homework on Keith Harring he’d know that the man was a predator, and he wouldn’t have worn those shirts. It seems so performative! To add to that, does he know now? If so, why isn’t he using his platform to correct his mistake? Why didn’t he come out and let people know not to buy Harring’s stuff??? He knows the pull he has! He absolutely could have been like “I’ve made a mistake, if you are looking for queer artists to support, here’s some” But he fucking doesn’t

4. To add on to that last part, It is actually sus that he gets to profit off of this queer image, and yet the only queer voices that he’s propping up are white gays. And then not even directly? Not a “queer artists, esp queer artists of color are important and need their voices boosted because they are the back bone of society” but this wink nod type of deal, where again, he mainly boosts white gays.like??? One queer black woman that doesn’t work for the Azoffs, and then a bunch of white gays. Like?? That’s not racist to anyone else???????Just me? okay.

Now from a professional point of view, it’s even worse. I’m not saying that artists can’t be campy or blurr gender lines, or imply that they ‘re queer subtly. But I think it’s fucking disrespectful to play both ends. Like, he profits off of using the queer image, all while Dancing around the subject, but then on the back end he never says that Homophobes/Transphobes aren’t allowed in his fandom. He gives this empty ass tpwk and then washes his hands of it. 

Don’t get me wrong, I am always upset when people who have lots of queerphobes in their fandom bullying and harassing the actual queer people never say anything to let queerphobes know they’re unwelcome (clearly money is better than morals) but for me it’s an extra kick to the gut for it to literally profit Harry to seem queer. Look at that time that  gay company sold out shirts in less than an hour,because harry was wearing it and tell me people aren’t throwing money at him because they feel he’s queer. 

C. Fashion

This one is a really rough one for me because this is partially what drew me into Harry in the first place. But he’s really not all that in terms of fashion. He’s expensive certainly, but sometimes, the things that are more expensive are worse. Even When He’s not looking like a grandparent out on the town, his style is very dated, and yet he gets paraded around like he’s the freshest new thing?? Like who is his team paying of for him to get that many articles about how he’s fashion’s biggest star. And the thing is, his style is even dated for the mainstream. There’s already a post about how he copies prominent pop/pop rock stars of the 70s, which means that his style is 50 years old for the mainstream. Now don’t get me wrong, I think it’s totally fine if you’re addicted to seventies wear. I don’t think he should be heralded as this huge fashion star if his wardrobe is this dated

Even more than that. Gucci???? The Gucci with a history of Racism?? The Gucci with the child labor??? The Gucci with the 14 hour days Gucci??? Ugly ass Gucci????? Soulja Boy don’t even fuck with Gucci no more and he fuck with Gucci since like 2007. (although that was because of the racism, not cause it’s ugly)

I think that bothers me the most though. Like it’s not enough to exploit people, you also have to be tacky ugly and expensive???? For what??? @Gucci cease to exist please.

If Harry wants to be tacky ugly and expensive, that’s of course his rights to do so! But don’t act like he’s at the very pinnacle of fashion every time he does. 

I’m actually always very conflicted about that. I personally prefer a style that’s very loud and campy and avant garde but like,,,,that ain’t it. Maybe it’s something you got it or ya don’t??? Like for example Billy Porter could wear a trashbag and make it work. The expensive sweaters and the slacks? The suits? Not a good look on one Harry Styles. Maybe it’s because they’re expensive sweaters and slacks and expensive suits. What are you, Ted from accounting??? Grow up.

D. Treat People With Kindness

Ugh this is the thing that pisses me off like the second to most. This phrase is so fucking empty. You could not have made up a more corporate mandated phrase if you fucking tried. It stands for nothing! Just like him!

Let’s break it down. “Treat people with kindness” is, at face value, a call to action. It’s asking you to do something. But it doesn’t actually tell you what to do!! So it’s pretty inoffensive! You don’t actually have to change your behavior in anyway for two main reasons:

1. What the hell is Kindness??? This phrase never actually says what it is??? It’s just this short little punchy thing that assumes you know what kindness is! What if you didn’t actually know? What if you have differing ideals of what is considered kindness? I mean to my mother, Misgendering me is kindness, but I don’t think that’s kindness. To my father, not letting his children have autonomy is kindness, but I don’t find that kind. And yet they could both use that phrase and feel confident that they go around treating people with kindness. After all they cooked dinner didn’t they? They smiled at Janice from public relations didn’t they? That’s kindness right?

2. It also assumes you know what “people” are. Queer people are people. Queerphobes don’t consider queer people, people. Racists aren’t going to consider some people, people. So they can continue their harassment and dehumanization of them and still be treating people with kindness, because they never harmed actual people (to them)

E. Harry bots

Bitch?? Corporate spies?? Tf ??? That’s not weird to ya’ll ?? I think the thing that shocked me more than someone from Colombia records admitting that he manufactures the hype around people signed to Colombia, is the fact that the Fandom been knew!!!! Ya’ll been knew and ya’ll wasn’t gon tell me???????? I just found out last week wtf????????

Another thing I don’t like about them Harry bots, is it’s one thing to hype up Harry, but why tf do they need to shit on the other boys??? Is it because they’re more talented, good looking, and charming??? How about you get good!!!! I esp hate that it’s usually Louis. What is Corporate’s obsession with putting Louis down like? What a bunch of fucking weirdos?? It’s not enough to be a Harry fan and live up his ass, I gotta hate Louis too?? You lost yo damn mind. If you reading this and you a spy? Die.

F. Capitalism

Honestly that should be the end of it but here the fuck we go I guess. Now I get that there is going to be some capitalism involved when you get music, especially mainstream music, there are tones of articles out there with people who used to be in the industry telling you about how fucking awful it is, all in the pursuit of money. (Which isn’t fucking real by the way! We made it up! People out here getting traumatized! Belittled! Bullied! Married off! So some corporation can make all the money! The Imaginary Credits! That we made up! I hate it here!) 

But it’s another fucking thing to participate in a capitalist system? He invested into that one sleep app, even going to do one of the voice sessions (So you could have Harry Styles themed sleep paralysis) and you pay for that! He makes money off that! It’s not enough that you buy his mediocre music or his ugly ass merch, you also have to give him money through the sleep paralysis app. 

Then there was that Google Camp for Rich People Only! I don’t even want to fucking hear that it was on Climate Change oh wow all the rich people took helicopters and Yachts to a resort with manicured lawns??? To talk about how they treat the environment? That’s not at all Counter intuitive! Not at all for show! Fucking disgusting.

Oh and the Covid Shirt! Really bitch??? You need to Profit off a deadly pandemic? Are you profiting off of AIDS next you fucking bastard. And he can of course get a tax write of for his “ charitable donation” fuck off.

G. Racism

This! This is the thing that gets me the most! YA’LL CAN EXCUSE RACISM???

No, I’m not talking about the Native American Headdress thing, that was plenty despicable on it’s own, No I’m talking about the on going racism. The whole, using black people for clout and then dropping them and never returning the favor when they sing his praises thing. Specifically I’m thinking of Sis the activist, Stormzy, and Lizzo. 

The Lizzo thing pisses me off the most actually. I think it’s very fucking convenient that Harry started taking interest in Lizzo after there was uproar from black fans noting his hypocrisy of performing for Pepsi (Notoriously racist) and Having BLM sticker on his guitar. So he shows up at one of her concerts dressed like a senior citizen that got lost on the way to the retirement home bathroom. She looked fucking amazing and he couldn’t put forth the effort to at least not look senile. Then there was the covering of her songs, and then there was the cuddling up with her at the awards show. Funny how I haven’t seen any interaction after the fact! And Of course everyone forgot about the Pepsi concert! Fuck all the way off!!

Also! Are we just never going to talk about the fact that he didn’t comment on the blm protests earlier this year until his team could gauge whether or not it would be profitable to do so by DATA MINING HIS FAN BASE???? And then when he actually did he got the most praise for it, truly fucking hate it here. Also when he marched with those protesters he made sure we knew it was him. There were posts flouting around everywhere on how to best cover up to make yourself completely unrecognizable should you wind up on camera or fucking worse, get attacked by the police. Funny how Close Sprouse could follow the advice and not Harry? Also supper funny how he got the hell out of dodge before things got super bad and I have not heard anything on the matter since. Guess what Harry??? We’re still out here fighting for the rights to exist! Still wanna have a photo op while our own government tries to squash us with force????? This is like that Jenner Pepsi ad but with sunglasses and a pandemic.

H. Fandom

I think I would hate him less if I didn’t have to hear about him every hour of everyday. Stop Hyping this man so much. Even after unfollowing and blocking a bunch of Harries and Larries he’s all across my dash. And twitter. And insta. KURTIS CONNER FUCKING LIKES HIM I JUST WANTED CRACK CONTENT AND NOW LOOK. 

I. Conclusion.

After writing all this I think the running theme is that Harry Styles isn’t even a person, he’s a brand. I do not like or trust brands! And I definitely don’t like being advertised to! Just like It’s fake as fuck when Absolut is all about queer rights, it’s fake as fuck when Harry does it too. Just like I know Target doesn’t actually care about Black lives, I know Harry doesn’t either. People are always like “oh he’s so nice!” no! He’s polite! There’s a difference. Zayn Is a truly kind person. Liam is a truly kind person. Louis is a truly kind person. It shines though so brightly all the time, and yet people are really out here worshiping the Brand Harry Styles. 

Do I think It was Harry or The Azoffs throwing Zouis under the bus. 

Truly doesn’t matter! Whichever one did it, Harry was totally fine with it! Which tells me that he doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself. He’ll go along with anything as long as it gets him to the top, and that’s fucked up on one million and one levels

[lesbeet]

my sister and I thought mood ring was just okay but we thought it was a little weird how in her email newsletter she talked about how the song or something is supposed to be a satire but in the next paragraph she mentions how she herself does some of this new age wellness stuff just kinda ??? at that explanation

ok i just looked it up and here's what she said about it:

“This is a song I am very excited about, it’s so much fun to me. Obviously when making this album I did a deep-dive into 60s, Flower Child culture. I wanted to understand the commune life, dropping out from society and trying to start again. That really resonated to me when writing this album. One thing that occurred to me as a major parallel between that time and our time is our wellness culture and our culture of spirituality, pseudo-spirituality, wellness, pseudo-wellness. Things like eating a macro-biotic vegan diet or burning sage, keeping crystals, reading tarot cards or your horoscope. These were all things that they were dabbling in back then, and that me and my girlfriends are dabbling in today. I was like “I think there’s a pop song in here”. So this is kind of my extremely satirical look at all of those vibes.”

tbh i don't think it's that weird? if anything i think it makes her perspective more credible bc she's critiquing something that she's experienced from the inside, and not like. passing judgment onto people who are just trying to make themselves feel better in an obviously dysfunctional society

plus there's nothing inherently wrong with practicing like yoga or the occult or whatever else, the problem arises when these activities/products are sold as solutions to the collective trauma we all endure under late capitalism, and especially when they're woven into a culture or ~lifestyle~ that claims to exist as the opposite of mainstream culture and society, with the materialism and social unrest and war etc etc etc, when in reality they just want to sell you shit (at this point the word "lifestyle" alone practically gives me hives lol)

i mean it's possible i'm reading into what she said too much but i feel like if you think about what was happening socially and politically in the 60s (the civil rights movement, the vietnam war, the cold war, just to name a few) as well as how the hippie counterculture was demonized, defanged, and commodified by corporate and government interests to squash the anti-war movement and other hippie staples like recreational drug use and sexual liberation, it's easy to reach the logical conclusion of the parallels that lorde mentions here, even if she doesn't say it explicitly: what's wrong with the world is clearly something far beyond the abilities of ~wellness culture~ to fix, and to pretend otherwise more or less requires some kind of ulterior motive, whether it be profits for companies or the will of individuals to remain blissfully ignorant of what's actually going on in the world

that being said i think lorde could've made all those points and taken musical inspiration from the 60s and still written more interesting instrumentals for these songs lmao

[ectonurites]

for the character headcannons ask game, jason and cass?

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT im putting this one under a cut because it got SUPER long bc i cant shut up ever

lets start w jason

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok using the ‘realistic’ category here loosely but GOD i love the idea of Damian & Jason having interacted while Jason was staying with the League before getting dunked in the Lazarus Pit. like. this obviously would need to be set more in preboot and following the Lost Days & Batman Annual 25 version of Jason’s resurrection, but god the idea of it just makes me scream in a good way. Like... these are things Jason likely doesn’t remember very clearly once he’s brought back to life more fully by the pit because he was uh pretty catatonic, but Damian being a little kid and knowing about the boy that his mother keeps around the base, that she’s trying to help bring back to health. Damian not even knowing that’s his big brother, just that he’s a presence that shares his mother’s attention. Jason again being unresponsive but like, ok god you know that part of lost days where Talia shows the others observing him that he only fights back at those he perceives as genuine threats trying to hurt him, 

Because Jason can perceive that she’s safe, she’s not actually trying to hurt him, he trusts her because she saved him? thinking about lil child Damian who is ya know already being trained in fighting stuff and like the idea of him trying to provoke Jason just to see what happens but Jason not fighting back because on some level be it his connection to Talia or even little baby Damian visually reminding him of Bruce, he knows that Damian is safe too 🥺 

and then when Jason and Damian meet again in Gotham as Red Hood & Robin respectively, Jason not really remembering because there was so much going on back then for him, but Damian realizing that oh... that was Him

B (hilarious): 

alright so if we are looking at comics currently, in modern stuff jason is what, like 22? hes old enough to drink in the US but still definitely early 20s so around my around my age, thats what im using as a basis here. if we adjust timeline and still consider his death having happened when he was 15, that puts it around 2013. and then coming back to like interacting with people about three years later if we still kinda base things off of the preboot timeframe (since we never got a super solid retelling of the timeline of death -> resurrection -> training -> tries to get revenge aside from knowing he went to the all-caste instead of the lost days version of the story) making him reenter the regular world and stuff around age 18 in 2016. meaning a solid three years of pop culture that he was entirely missing, and like im sorry but he really doesn’t strike me as the type to bother looking into what he missed, he’s kinda busy focusing on other stuff. lets take a quick look at some major things from those years. 2013 gave us ‘what does the fox say’ and ‘the harlem shake’ . 2014 had that time U2 just put a fuckin album on everyone’s phones, The Fault In Our Stars movie came out. 2015 introduced the phrase ‘Netflix and Chill’ and the whole blue & black vs gold & white dress debate happened. imagine any of the other batkids (or even arguably roy during rhato stuff) bringing these things up and jason’s ensuing confusion. thank you for your time

C (heart-crushing): 

so. there are two specific instances from rebirth era Jason i want to bring up here and much like a lot of these it’s less a headcanon and more of an inference based on observations, but i wanna take a sec to discuss Jason’s relationship with other people’s death. early in rebirth, Tim ‘dies’ from that whole thing in detective comics. he didn’t actually die, we as readers know, but in-universe they all very much so thought he was dead. frustratingly a lot of the batfam wasn’t really shown mourning him aside from in the Detective Comics Rebirth title itself (which just. when a major character dies even if its temporary- that should have a ripple effect) BUT an exception to that is in RHATO 2016, where we get this offhanded comment in Jason’s internal monologuing

similarly later when Roy, who like, had an incredibly close relationship w Jason that had just gotten mended before Heroes in Crisis, gets fuckin murdered in that whole thing... Jason doesn’t go to his funeral either. He leaves a dramatic voice mail and then visits the grave on his own later, choosing to instead keep working on the mission they’d started rather than going and taking the time to mourn properly.

Jason’s relationship with death is incredibly complicated, obviously. He has died, he has come back, and he now is willing to cross the line most other bats won’t and will kill people when he deems it necessary. I think thats something important though- he doesn’t just like... go around killing for fun (usually, some writers preboot made him a little murder happy but even then usually this still was vaguely followed) he kills people he thinks deserved it. Like, even looking back at the mess of Morrison’s Jason during Batman & Robin 2009, Jason was still trying to bring a sense of justice with who he was killing (”punishment that fits the crime”), it wasn’t killing for the sake of killing. He sees things in this kind of almost black and white ‘people who deserve it’ and ‘people who don’t’ way, and he has no problem dealing with death when it’s with the people he thinks deserve it. 

but when someone who doesn’t in his mind ‘deserve it’ gets killed? i think he just goes into total avoidance mode. throws himself into other things he’s doing, tries not to dwell on it too much no matter how much he still thinks about it (this is especially evident in him consistently telling people “i’m fine!” after what happened to Roy, despite bringing Roy up literally like every few issues for a WHILE after he died and very clearly still struggling with it, Artemis is the only one who gets through to him on it a little bit) 

but yeah, I just think that from Jason’s relatively unique situation of having been murdered, he knows what it’s like and he is perfectly fine wishing that on people he thinks are bad and deserve it, but it crushes him to imagine the people he loves and cares about having to experience something as painful as what he went through. not to mention the whole “I came back, why do I get a second chance at all this when they, who are a much better person than I am, probably won’t” mindset we get some implications of him having 

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

hello DC i am once again insisting a batfam member is bisexual

CASS TIME

A (realistic headcanon): 

ok so we know cass likes ballet. thats canon. however i think we also should in general explore cass experiencing other types of dance/performance as well, be it herself as a performer or even just watching. like... god imagine her & like my brain just automatically for group activities puts her with tim steph and duke but also for this in particular I feel would be a Jason embraced activity, but like them going to see a broadway show or some other professional theatre or something, and her just being enthralled by the reading of body language of the performers! like again by any point in current stuff cass does have like, the ability to speak fine (reading still hard tho) but even so I think like. okay im a theatre kid if that’s not obvious from the Everything About Me but one thing I always do after seeing a show is ya know spend dinner afterwards discussing it with whoever i saw it with.

I just think that like, bringing those people i just mentioned to the table to discuss seeing a show after would be so FASCINATING because cass would bring this whole perspective of critiquing their acting on a whole different level- not based on how well they delivered lines out loud, but by what their body language was saying as they moved on stage. like im very amused by the idea of cass getting a totally different picture in her mind about what a character’s motivations were because she was paying way more attention to what their physicality was saying vs the words that were written and how they were delivered. i think the debates her and the others would have would be EPIC there. jason defending the text as it was written adamantly and cass being like ‘ok yeah sure but thats not what they did’

B (hilarious): 

cass having no concept of money because why would she bother? is SO funny to me. like it’s not that she couldn’t be reasonable if she wanted to, but like, she knows that the Waynes are well off so it’s not something she actually needs to be concerned about, so she just goes hog wild. takes steph out to fancy dinners and makes steph order for them since cass ya know doesn’t really read the menus, and steph’s like ‘jesus christ this costs-” “don’t worry about it” “but cass-” and she just holds up one of bruce’s credit cards and steph’s still like “but you don’t even know the range-” “it is fine”

bruce does not have the heart to tell her to stop

C (heart-crushing): 

i mean this is pretty much canon but especially now after death metal where she’s remembering, not just being told by a guy using weird alternate timeline technology, that she used to be an adopted member of the Wayne family... like that hurts so bad. To look at these people who have ya know been kind to her, Bruce has still been a father-like figure to her (i mean literally from the moment they met in New 52 canon during the flashback in Batman & Robin Eternal, where he’s telling her that she’s not a monster just because of what people forced her to do.... that she’s a hero... that hug.... dad behavior), and they do to some extent treat her as family... But to then really know, to feel and remember that she was actually adopted! She was a part of their family. To look at how she’s been calling herself Orphan while working with them this whole time... that’s so heartbreaking! I have cried about this idea so much! I want so badly a conversation between her and Bruce now where he offers to officially adopt her again, I need it so bad and if it doesn’t happen at some point in the next year or two I will be so distraught.

D (canon is a coward and won’t) 

i want an in-depth exploration of cass’ relationship to her own gender. being raised without language and you know with so much of her life being independent (remember: CASS RAN AWAY AROUND THE WORLD WITHOUT REALLY KNOWING ANY SPOKEN LANGUAGE) and outside of an organized society impressing too much of gender expectations on her, i feel like the way she experiences it would be very unique! like sure she’s so far been fine with being assigned ‘girl’ (ya know that comes with batgirl, and how people just automatically treated her based on how she looks) but in terms of gender expression and like her actual relationship with ‘traditional femininity’ etc like... because of how she was raised I just think she’d have a really different perspective on it that could be cool to explore, and I think she’d fall outside of the binary after she really thinks about how she identifies.

tldr on that: she/they nb cass is what i’m getting at here

[litwitlady]

Send Me Home (1/?)

Read on AO3.

‘The Braves are down to their last at bat, Jeff. And it’s Michael Guerin in the on-deck circle. What’s Ramon’s strategy here? Does he try to jam him up inside or keep firing fastballs and hope Guerin can’t catch up?’

It’s September in Atlanta and the Braves are playing the Marlins. Every game counts as both teams vy for a spot in October baseball. Michael Guerin is a lead candidate for MVP, and he’s always a threat in the bottom of the ninth with two outs and the bases loaded. The sellout crowd roars as his walk-up music begins to play.

I was born to the desert And to the desert I’ll return Sun-soaked and leathered Tattered and tethered Send me home, send me home, send me home

‘Ramon’s got that curveball, Chip. I’m not sure Guerin’s ever met a fastball he couldn’t hit. Especially in the bottom of the ninth. So, I think Ramon starts with the curveball even if that’s exactly what Guerin’s expecting.’

Michael steps into the batter’s box and takes a couple of quick practice swings, eyes wide and watching Ramon’s every move. He squares his hips and lowers his hands on the bat just a touch. It’s an adjustment he’s been working on for the past month or so with great success. Ramon lets loose his first pitch. As expected, it’s a nasty curveball and a pitch Michael has struck out on more than once during his twelve year career. But this time he’s prepared and anticipates perfectly where the bottom of the curve will land. He shoots a laser to shallow right field, and it drops in for a walk-off single. The dugout empties and everyone tackles him as he crosses home plate, one game closer to October.

--------

Later that night, Michael sits on the tailgate of his Chevy, beer in hand and staring up at the stars like so many nights before. Several of the guys had harassed him about going out to celebrate, but he’s not in the mood. He’s never in the mood these days. The winning still feels good and the possibility of the MVP is a dream. But for a long time now, he’s felt like there’s something missing in his life. Something essential, something elusive, something just out of his reach.

The truth is that he’s lonely. It’s a truth he can admit to himself when he’s alone underneath the cosmos watching the stars blink down at him against the wide expanse of space.

There have been relationships along the way. Women he’s dated earnestly. Once upon a time, maybe even a couple he could have loved. When he was younger, there had also been a few men. But none recently. The deeply rooted homophobia of baseball to blame. Mostly anyway. It’s strange now - everyone knows he’s bisexual, a simple Google search is all it takes. But he’s fairly certain baseball collectively decided to ignore his sexuality altogether after he got called up to the majors all those years ago.

He wants to believe he’s not afraid to be seen with men. He tells himself it’s just simpler this way, less complicated. Fewer awkward questions and the focus remaining on his athletic abilities rather than his sex life. Besides, only two major league players have ever come out and they both only did so after they’d retired. He supposes maybe he counts as the third. It’s not the stuff of fairytales, and Michael had learned that lesson during his brief stint in Double-A ball.

That feels like a lifetime ago.

Alex Manes’ new album drifts through the truck’s windows. His low, throaty voice practically purring into Michael’s ears. He’s been a big fan of Alex and his music for several years now. They’re both from New Mexico and the way he sings about the desert rings true enough to Michael that listening to one of his songs sends him right back home. Despite their many issues, he misses his brother and sister so badly sometimes he can barely breathe. Alex’s music reminds him of all the things and all the people he’s left behind - for better or worse. A couple of years ago, he’d had the opportunity to see Alex perform live but he’d turned it down. He still can’t explain why.

The night stretches out before him. Beer and music lulling him into a peaceful sleep until a bright light flashes in his face and startles him awake. He sits up and raises his hands peacefully. ‘Hey, Ernie.’

‘Oh, Mr. Guerin. I didn’t recognize you. What are you still doing here? It’s past midnight.’ He clicks the flashlight off and clips it back onto his belt. ‘Congrats on the walk-off!’

Michael shrugs. ‘Thanks. Didn’t want to go home just yet. Like watching the stars at night. But I haven’t seen you in a while. The grandkids still running circles around you?’

‘You know it! Caleb just turned five and is a holy terror. Michelle is eight going on eighteen. I can barely get a word in edgewise between the two of them.’ His eyes shine even in the darkness, crinkling at the edges.

Michael’s heart aches at Ernie’s easy, simple joy, but he manages a genuine smile thanks to the night’s shadows softening the edges of his jaw. ‘That sounds nice.’ He hops off his tailgate. ‘I’ll get out of your hair. Got an early game anyway. Need to get some sleep.’

‘Well, now, don’t let me chase you off. I don’t mind the company. It gets a little spooky at night. You can always come knock on my door if you ever need anything.’ Ernie opens the Chevy’s door for Michael and shuts it behind him. ‘All these other guys with their flashy sports cars and you in this old rust bucket. You’re a weird one, Mr. Guerin. But I like that about you.’

Michael runs his hands around the cracked steering wheel. ‘Most days this truck is about the closest thing to home I’ve got. There’s still desert dirt in the bed and an engine I rebuilt myself. What the fuck would I do with a Ferrari?’

They both laugh and Michael waves and honks his horn as he pulls out of the player’s lot. The streets are mostly empty, cars keeping to the well-lit interstate at night. He decides to stay on surface roads and take the long way home, radio softly playing old country songs. His thoughts drift to tomorrow’s game and the rookie pitcher the Marlins are starting. His own rookie year had been tough, and he makes a mental note to speak to the kid at some point during the game, ask him how he’s doing and if he’s being treated well.

The streetlights along Peachtree illuminate his path through Brookhaven. He crosses into Atlanta city limits and enters Buckhead just as ‘Lay Me Down’ by Loretta Lynn and Willie Nelson starts to play through his speakers. And all too soon, he turns down his street and opens the cedar gate at the end of his driveway, parking his truck and sitting in the darkness until the song comes to an end.

Climbing out of his truck, he unlocks the front door with his telekinesis, slipping inside quietly and deactivating his alarm system. He’d bought the house in foreclosure, spending most of his money on remodeling the mid-century ranch. It’s not extravagant, but it’s the most expensive thing he owns. He’d even let Isobel fly out to decorate the place within a very strict budget, and he’d had to admit she’d done a great job - one side of his front door Atlanta, the other side New Mexico.

But even so, it has never felt like home.

The first few nights he’d spent in the house had been rough. It was too quiet and too soft and too much. More than once he’d grabbed his ancient, worn sleeping bag and crawled into the bed of his truck. Sleeping hard on the uncomfortable. ribbed metal but beneath the stars he loved so much. The morning dew waking him with the sun each morning.

These days he manages to sleep in bed at night, but only because he’d installed two skylights overhead so that the stars would always be his. And only his. He rarely brings anyone home anymore, preferring their house to his. But when he does, he takes them to a guest bedroom. None of them ever seem to mind how empty the space is or how devoid of personality. Four blank walls and a lone bed filling the room. Why would they? It’s not Michael the foster kid from the desert they’re sleeping with. It’s Michael Guerin the multi-millionaire first baseman with the single-season home run record and the aw-shucks, good boy smile.

Tonight he doesn’t bother turning on any lights. He just pads through the kitchen to grab an apple and a bottle of water, undresses and climbs into bed. He takes a large bite of the granny smith and pulls out his phone, calling Isobel.

‘Congrats on the walk-off!’ He can hear another game in the background. Isobel had never watched a baseball game in her life - including any of his - until the day he’d gotten drafted right out of high school. But now she watches all of them. Or as many of them as possible. Her scouting reports are better than anything stamped official and readily available in the team clubhouse.

‘Thanks. Didn’t really see the ball that well tonight, though. Is Max there?’ It’s stupid to ask when he already knows the answer.

‘Out with Liz. They’ve been inseparable ever since she moved back to Roswell. It’s gross and I miss you.’ The sound on her tv goes silent and he knows she’s settling in for a long conversation. ‘Tell me about tomorrow. Any surprises?’

‘No. New kid on the mound just called up. Got a mean slider. Torres has some pain in his wrist so he’ll be benched.’ Michael finishes his apple in two large bites and guzzles his water, listening to Isobel pound away at her keyboard already deep in research mode. ‘Might get me moved up to the number two slot.’

They spend fifteen minutes strategizing. It’s what they do most nights. Isobel critiquing the numbers based on intuition and her own database of knowledge concerning the human psyche, while he runs statistical analyses and probabilities in his head faster than humanly possible. Michael suggests more than once that she’d make a great scout and that maybe when he retires they can go into business together. He’s told her this a million times, but she only laughs him off and reminds him that she already has a job.

‘A worthless job that doesn’t pay you what you deserve.’ He reaches for the tv remote on his nightstand but can’t find it. Not that it matters. He switches the television on with his mind and nods his head through the channels, stopping on an old western and muting the volume.

‘Philanthropy is not worthless, Michael!’ She sighs loudly to punctuate her exasperation. ‘And my salary is not the point - the point is helping people. Besides, I have all of Noah’s money and can negotiate more pay any time I choose.’

That he believes. ‘How’d your date go last night?’ Asking Isobel about her date absolutely means she’ll push him to share something just as personal. But it was her first official date with a woman and he genuinely wants to know how it went. No matter the price he’ll pay.

‘Really, really, really well.’ He can hear the grin in her voice and it makes him smile. ‘She’s a cardiologist and very good with her hands. Valenti makes a pretty superb matchmaker. Maybe I’ll ship him your way because you could certainly use the help.’

Michael rolls his eyes and fakes a groan. ‘You can keep Valenti. Don’t you think it’s weird to have your ex setting you up on dates? Do you really think he’s the best judge of character?’

‘Kyle knows me better than most. He was my first relationship after Noah and he put up with a lot. I trust him implicitly with my heart and yours. Plus, I was the one who broke up with him.’

‘My heart is fine, thanks.’ He lies smoothly and knows exactly how she’s going to respond.

‘I can’t stand the thought of you all the way across the country in that foreign place with no one to go home to at night.’

He snorts. ‘It’s called Georgia, Iz. And I’m not home enough for a relationship to work right now.’

‘Half the guys on your team - on any team! - are married. So that’s a pisspoor excuse. You keep pushing everyone away. Don’t forget who you’re talking to. I know you, Michael. As soon as you start to feel something, the doors slam shut and you become another stereotypical lonewolf cowboy.’ Her voice is loud now, vehement and self-righteous. They’ve reenacted this scene so many times it feels very paint by number at this point. ‘I hardly ever hear a smile in your voice anymore.’

She’s right and she knows it. He used to love dating, meeting new people. First kisses and first fucks. Last kisses and farewell fucks. He lived for those moments and now he hardly ever looks anyone in the eye. ‘We have this conversation at least once a month. And nothing has changed. It’s too hard right now, Iz. I’m too known to ever really be known. Not the way I would want to be. Not in any way that I would trust.’

There’s no use arguing so they move on to easier topics. Max and LIz’s ongoing romance, details of Isobel’s date, Maria’s remodel of the Pony thanks to a very generous anonymous donation. Every word out of her mouth squeezes his heart a little bit tighter until it’s too much and he says goodnight.

Flipping onto his side, he reaches his arm out to the other side of the bed, running his hand over the cold, unwrinkled sheet. His eyes land on the empty pillow no head ever touches and tries to imagine a face looking back at him. A face that might smile suggestively or quietly murmur goodnight. But he’s unable to conjure anything beyond a blank, shapeless outline. It makes him feel pathetic so he yanks the pillow underneath his own head and forces his eyes shut, trying in vain to quiet his mind. Despite his best efforts, sleep takes its sweet time finding him.

The next morning he’s exhausted but gets to the field early. He’d woken up to a cryptic message from Isobel. There’s a surprise waiting for you after the game! Stick around this time, Michael. Don’t make me get on a plane. He’s sure that can’t mean anything good, but he attempts to put it out of his mind for now.

The ballpark is already bustling with activity. Michael heads into the clubhouse to change. He stops and asks Stan, their hitting coach, for some extra work before the rest of the team arrives. He’s worried about how he’s been shifting his wrists recently and wants someone else’s opinion. The adjustments he’d made last night seem to be working, but he’s worried about straining a muscle or tweaking the wrong tendon. Two of his teammates are already on the IL with wrist pain. He doesn’t want to be next, especially with the postseason race and his run at MVP on the line.

Michael finds Danny Marks asleep in one of the clubhouse’s leather chairs. He swats him on the head on the way to his locker, laughing at Danny’s loud yelp. ‘Fuck, man, you’re always asleep. How did you manage to stay awake on the mound long enough to put together two Cy Young seasons?’

‘Talent, Guerin. Talent. You should try it sometime. Maybe then you’ll win MVP.’ Danny yawns and stretches his arms over his head. Michael glares at him. ‘Don’t worry. You’re still the favorite. Our very own diamond darling. No one else is getting their own personal concert any time soon.’

‘What?’ He sits on the chair at his locker, blinking at Danny in confusion. ‘Personal concert?’ Isobel’s strange text message flashes through his head again while he inwardly groans.

‘Oh, yeah.’ Danny grins and crosses his ankles on the table in front of him, brashly enjoying the way Michael squirms. ‘Alex Manes is traveling down from Nashville just for you - baseball’s most beloved first baseman.’ He throws a toy football at Michael’s head, chuckling when it bounces off his curls. ‘He’s not bad looking, you know.’

‘Stop.’ Danny is Michael’s best friend on the team and the only one he feels comfortable enough to have this conversation with. ‘Whose idea was this? Did Isobel do something? Or was this you?’

Michael doesn’t want this. Not at all. And he can’t exactly explain why. Music is personal to him - profoundly personal. Always has been since he was nothing but an unloved kid trapped in various violent foster homes. It was music that had kept him warm at night and music that had loved him best. The only escape available to him during most of his darkest hours.

Over the years, there have been many artists he’s considered favorites. Most of them old country crooners or folk song heroes. Much like Alex Manes. But with Alex, it’s something more. Something he has a hard time vocalizing. They are both from New Mexico. Both spent a chunk of their formative years in Roswell. Michael has read or watched multiple interviews with Alex where he’s alluded heavily to an abusive father. His lyrics certainly do the same. Lots of kids grow up that way - Michael knows he’s not alone in that particular fate - but the way Alex puts that pain to music settles something inside his chest that has never been settled before.

So the thought of meeting Alex worries Michael. They say don’t meet your heroes for a reason. In his head, Alex represents a sense of safety, a sense of home. What happens when they meet and that’s taken from him? Because maybe Alex is a liar. Or maybe he’s a dick. Either possibility is very real. He’s also a vet, and Michael hates, hates, hates the military. And he doesn’t want to hate Alex. Doesn’t want to lose his music. Cannot emotionally afford to lose his music if he’s being honest.

‘Isobel apparently knows someone who knows someone who knows someone. I just didn’t try and stop her. Or Lena.’ Danny’s wife is Isobel’s favorite human. It’s the worst thing that’s happened to Michael since meeting Danny. The two of them have done nothing but make his life one unasked for surprise after another. ‘Besides, even if you hate it, the team could really use some fun before heading into the postseason. Some good old-fashioned team bonding, my friend. And this time, you don’t get to run away. The guys need to see their captain smile every once in a while.’

Michael sighs and changes into his warmups. Danny’s phone rings and he grins one last time at Michael before disappearing for some privacy. Michael decides to push Alex Manes to the back of his mind and concentrate on the game ahead of him. Stan is waiting, anyway. So he’ll focus on his wrists for now and worry about everything else later. The one thing he does do, however, is pull out his phone and send Isobel a very pointed text.

You should have gotten my permission first.

Isobel’s text response is nothing but the angel halo emoji. Michael wishes his telekinesis was strong enough to travel across state lines because he’d like to throw her phone into the wall. Since that option is not available to him, he sends Max a text instead.

Your sister is a menace.

He pockets his phone, not bothering to wait on an answer. Max tends to be too busy these days. Not that that’s anything new really. Unless your name is Liz Ortecho or Isobel Evans, he doesn’t have much time for you.

The morning stretches by as gametime approaches. Batting practice goes well and Michael works with Stan on keeping his wrists from turning too much when he swings. His teammates have all found out about the concert by the time the first pitch is thrown and none of them will let him forget it. Each time his walk-up music begins to play, Danny leads a small group of particularly bad vocalists in a sing-a-long. All of them belting out the lyrics at the top of their lungs. Michael tries to keep the stupid grin off his face and almost suceeds.

He won’t admit it, but he actually begins to get excited. Doesn’t even mind when Max only ends up responding with a snarky text.

Try living less than five miles from her.

He’d give anything to live five miles from Isobel. Michael loves his teammates. He really does. Atlanta has one of the best team dynamics in baseball. Maybe the best. They support each other, love one another, and when they say family, they mean it. Team dinners and family outings are normal even during the off season. Michael doesn’t avoid spending time with them because he dislikes anyone - although there have been various tiffs in the past but nothing long lasting. He avoids them because he loves them enough to let his mouth loosen too much, all his secrets threatening to tumble out with no regard for his safety or the safety of his siblings.

He knows this because it has happened on more than one occasion. Years ago during his rookie years when living hard and drinker harder were his nightly norm. On any given night you’d find him at the bar, four fingers deep into a bottle of bourbon, mouthing off about moving things with his mind. It wasn’t the booze talking; it was his loneliness. The throbbing homesick ache in his chest that only Max and Isobel could smooth away. Once he knew his teammates were shitfaced, he’d let some little comment slip about his abilities. Half of them never paid any attention to the things he said and the other half merely laughed at him.

He’d told Isobel one night about the things he said and she’d yelled at him solidly for an hour. The next day he’d gotten a nasty phone call from Max and has kept his mouth shut ever since that conversation.

Keeping their secret is important. Michael understands that, but the lying exhausts him. He loves Danny and hates that the most important part of himself Danny and Lena can never know. He loves his other teammates, and he doesn’t want to hide this huge part of himself from them forever. The lying has always made him feel unclean - distant and deceptive. Back in Roswell, it had been easier. He hadn’t had many friends and the people closest to him shared the same secret. But now, the people he sees every single day aren’t allowed to know the real him. It breaks his heart in a way he could never have anticipated, making him feel truly alien.

Michael and Isobel had jumped through enormous hoops to keep his DNA secret from team doctors and drug testers. It’s the only reason he’d ever agreed to her mind influence.

A major league baseball player cannot have telekinetic superpowers, alien or not. The cheating accusations would be immediate and relentless - his career over and his name shamed forever. Regardless of the fact that he would never dream of cheating to advance his career. Besides, he’s self-aware enough - or perhaps cocky enough - to understand that his level of talent doesn’t require any telekinetic assistance. Michael Guerin is just that fucking good.

During his last at bat in the eighth inning, Alex Manes’ face flashes on the digital scoreboard high above centerfield advertising the aftergame concert. Michael concentrates on keeping his wrists tight and imagines that Alex is somewhere in the stadium watching him. He swings at the first pitch - a fastball left too high over the plate - and knows he’s gotten every piece of it by the cracking sound his bat makes. He starts a slow run to first base and watches the ball sail over the leftfield wall. With his signature two claps, he rounds first and enjoys the cheering crowd chanting his name. Stepping on the bag at home plate, his eyes glance back up at the scoreboard, but Alex’s face has disappeared. And suddenly his nerves have returned tenfold at the realization that soon he’ll be face to face with a man he has no idea how to talk to - what to say or even if he’ll get a chance to say anything at all.

Despite the cheers and happy butt slaps from his teammates, the pit in Michael’s stomach stretches wide. In the clubhouse, he checks his phone again and one last final message from Isobel lights up his screen.

He wants to meet you first.

[1dcraftawards]

November Author of the Month...

Drumroll please.... our November Author of the Month is none other than the incredibly talented...

@all-things-fic ! 

Congratulations to a wonderful author, Liz! You can check out our interview with her below!

1.Did you start writing fanfiction for One Direction, or was there another fandom that you wrote fanfiction for before this?

I have one fic that I wrote for One Direction Fanfic Archive, that will never see the light of day. It was really awful, but everyone starts somewhere. I’ve shared it with two people on Tumblr and we just laughed about it.

I’ve also written a Niall Horan fic which has been flagged for how explicit it is, which is quite laughable as it’s tame in comparison to the Harry stuff (eek!)

2. How old were you when you started writing fanfiction?

I was a teenager when I first started writing fics. I don’t know if I would consider it “proper” fanfic though as it was riddled with cliches.

3. What’s been your favorite fic that you’ve written to work on so far?

For the longest time I was proud of the second part of Divorce Harry and specifically the second part. It just felt real to write. I can’t even explain what it is about that piece.

I think at the time it stemmed from an ask I received where I was asked if I was a parent - I’m not - but this someone said I portrayed aspects of a marriage and how children can tip the balance really well.

The sheer bitterness of two people in love and the juxtaposed feeling it brings was an interesting dynamic. Being bitter and in love? How? It happens. You love someone, but bloody hell don’t you hate at the same time.

And I think on the hand Quarantine Harry is the opposite side of the same coin. I love it because it’s so happy. When you’re smitten and basking. Your baby waking you up at 3am and meeting your husband on the landing with the freshly made bottle is a time to enjoy because you’re doing it together.

But soon enough the third child is sprawled out in your kingsize bed and their foot is pressed against your ribs and you're tired. This isn’t me saying the two stories are linked (I do get those theories quite a lot haha)

4. Do you prefer AU or OU?

Definitely more of an OU gal. I’m massively into writing things “realistically” because I think it’s so relatable and helps draw readers in more so. Especially if the writing uses and references visuals that readers are aware of.

5. What’s your favorite trope to write?

Would we call a long-term relationship / established relationship a trope? If so then this is my favourite. Writing characters who know how to push each other’s buttons, knowing what they can and can’t say to get the other going. Being able to write two people who can share as little as a glance and know what the other is feeling.

Sprinkle a bit of angst on the top for good measure.

That’s my kryptonite.

6. What’s your ideal space to write in?

I tend to write when I’m in bed quite a bit, usually really late at night and on my phone rather than my laptop. Often lying in the dark. Sometimes first thing in a morning.

7. How do you get motivation to write?

This one made me laugh considering I’m unable to finish a single piece of writing at the minute.

Pictures are quite inspiring. New images of Harry can usually start something in me. The images of him in the whacky joggers for example from set have inspired a scene in Quarantine Harry (who knows for which part just yet!).

8. Do you typically like to listen to music when you write? If so, what do you listen to?

Very rarely listen to anything when I write, I tend to like silence really. Sometimes this is so I can dictate into my phone.

9. Your dialogue is some of the best I’ve ever read on tumblr, how do you plan conversations in your fics?

Thank you for the compliment, it’s really nice to read that you think so highly of my dialogue. I don’t really plan them - conversations or my fics. I’m quite visual in how I write, so anything that you’ve read I’ve most likely had it play out in my mind and typed it as it’s moved. For dialogue I tend to speak out loud as I’m typing to try and get the pacing right for the conversation.

No, I don’t try to do a Manc accent… Just in case anyone is wondering haha!

10. What is your writing process like?

I write what I see and then hope it fits. Honestly it’s pretty chaotic. The only time I tend to plan is when I’ve got a lot of different scenes written and I need to know if they’re suitable for an update or what order to place them.

Then I read through them and think about the characters and how they would be a certain time and move the documents into another document. Then I close all the tabs and cry cause my motivation is nonexistent.

11. What’s been your favorite scene to write from Quarantine Harry?

One that hasn’t been shared haha! I’m joking (maybe).

From part one my favourite bit has to be the part where she makes up with him by taking him a cuppa and he gets a dig in about how she hasn’t brought any biscuits with her. Also the bit where he says “come an’ love me” meaning he wants to cuddle. I’m quite conscious I don’t really ever write soppy fics, so when I’m writing “fluffy” aspects they’re more so everyday affections. Like, you know someone is properly in love with you when they’re doing the washing up cause you’re busy, or they’re taking out the bins on bin day. That kinda thing.

From part two absolutely the entirety of the morning where she takes the pregnancy test. That was the part I had as clear as day and I worked backwards to the opening scene. I really loved the idea of Harry knowing his partner is pregnant before said partner knows. Him knowing his lovers body like the back of his hand so much so that he’s able to pick up on the smallest of things.  I knew I had to write it.

And how he casually suggested she took the test, by pressing a kiss into her back. His face finding that test and then being an insufferable sod and pleased with himself cause he’s in the know about the outcome before the MC.

12. Is there a schedule you follow in terms of when you write? Or are you more impulsive and just write where and when you can?

So impulsive it’s actually embarrassing. I cringe at myself. I know I’ve mentioned this loads but I really write what I see. So if I’m not seeing anything, I’m not writing. It’s quite frustrating.

13. What is one thing you wish you would’ve known before you started writing?

To not talk about your writing before you’ve finished it. I feel like I massively let people down when I post sneak peeks and then I can’t deliver because life gets on top of me!

14. What do you prefer writing, multi-chaptered fics or one shots?

One shots and then if they develop into something more that can be exciting!

15. What's your secret to portraying such a complex and interesting relationship between your main characters??

Personal trauma…… *tumbleweed at another one of my poorly thought out jokes*

I’m a bit stumped on how to answer this one. I think being well read(ish) helps you create complex characters and relationships, not saying that I am but I’ve read a fair few books. Life in general helps too, sometimes personal relationships. Just growing up. My fic when I was younger was nowhere near the type of things I’m writing now but I’ve got a couple (okay, more than a couple!) of years on myself since then.

I think just apply your own lived experiences and call upon emotions you may have felt through certain times that you’re writing should you have experience it.

Partly I also think so many of us are a little bit nosy. Sometimes we all kinda want to be the fly on the wall in the home of couples to see if everything is a rosy as it seems or as intimate. Or whether it is just raw passion with a couple of arguments thrown in for good measure.

16. What Harry era/mood/look/vibe/song/etc. do you get most inspired by?

What’s weird is my favourite era of Harry is 2014, but I wouldn’t want to write him like that. The current Harry is quite marvellous. I’ve never known anyone like him, he really is fine wine (the real album title…. ‘we’ll be a fine wine’)

If you’re asking what mood I like to see him in, it’s either when he's pensive and looks a touch pissed off with a crease to his brow or when you watch his joke his eyes before he’s even said it and he’s amused/pleased with himself.

His current look, mainly late 2019/2020 is quite something (hence the quarantine fics)

I tend not to get inspired by his songs but my two faves if I had to pick would be Woman and TBSL. I think they’re massive Scorpio energy and would make great premises for a one shot sometime!

I’m not sure if I even answered this how you wanted it answer but hopefully it was something haha!

17. Who or what inspired you to start writing?

I’ve always loved writing, I think it’s because I do a lot of it with my line of work. The person that gave me the push on this site was actually an account called @meetyourmouths. The lovely Iz is no longer on tumblr but she wrote a Harry piece that just made me think ‘fuck it’ and I posted Practicing. If you go to that piece the authors note makes mention to Iz.

I would also say @stylishmuser was one of the first people to reach out to me and be encouraging which has always stuck with me. Massive love for, P and still talk to her all these years on.

I’m now sat here thinking about listing all the lovely lovely people who have been so nice to me both in regards to writing and outside of it and I’m conscious I’m not mentioning them. The troubles of being a bit of a people pleaser. Hopefully those people know I love ‘em… You know?

18. Some readers are wary of leaving feedback because they're unsure how the writer will take it, how do you personally like to receive feedback? Do you want to be critiqued, or would you like to just know if they did or didn't enjoy what they've read?

First thing I’d say is please don’t ever think as readers you can’t be negative. Sure there is a way to present the feedback to the author cause writing can be quite personal, but everyone has room for growth.

Just come chat to me. Can be about anything and everything. A simple ‘loved the update’ to ‘this bit was rubbish’. I’m open to all feedback.

One thing to remember is there are a lot of writers out there so there is something for everybody. If a fic isn’t for you there are tons out there waiting for you to go and grab ‘em!

19. Is writing a hobby or do you have aspirations of writing professionally outside of fanfiction?

I used to think it was mainly more so a hobby, and I do still lean towards this. However, now I’m not so sure. My problem is I tend to have long spells of not being able to find balance in my ‘real life’ job and the extra-curricular stuff.

I’m dragging myself here but I don’t think my fics have much plot to them. I’m more so about writing the everyday life and I don’t think there is a market for that really (unless you have something explosive happen somewhere).

20. And finally, What's your purpose for writing? What do you hope to accomplish?

For a while I wanted to write Harry being insufferably British. I found it quite hard to find writings that I thought wrote him using Britsh-isms (is this even a thing?) and types of phrases that are common over this side of the pond. I wanted to put that out there for someone who may have once felt like me.

Mostly,  I just want to put pieces out that take people elsewhere, even if only for a couple of minutes. A lot of the world is a bleak place, if you find my little corner on tumblr and it makes you smile, that’s achieved something, hasn't it?

[shanethvarosa]

Music Review: 2020

My blog has been a lot of things over the years, but it did originate as something I used to publicly review music; especially in the Visual Kei scene. Since I began the blog so many years ago, I had actually been hired to review Visual Kei and J-Rock music for an actual website: VKH-Press.com, work I am very, very proud of to this day. However, with not much news to comment on or work to critique, I haven’t been as active. Plus, personal issues always seem to stand in my way. However, I always take the time to discuss my passions at the end of the year. There were so many incredible releases, despite the COVID-19 pandemic, and so I wanted to take the time time to discuss my favorite releases and, maybe, the not-so-favorites as well. Quick shout out to Bastille’s Goosebumps EP and Megan Thee Stallion’s Good News LP as I did not get to listen to them before I wrote up my lists, but were still excellent releases. See my thoughts below! 

Overall, there were about 75 albums or groupings of albums I listened to this year and split them between various tiers. Starting with the bad tier, there were actually only ten albums listed here and mostly just because they were seemingly unnecessary collection albums. For example, another Satsuki collection? Rides in ReVellion releasing two greatest hits LPs after only five years of work? Beyonce releasing The Lion King: The Gift again? None of those felt like necessary releases. There weren’t many albums that really screamed bad to me this year, but I really could not stand Vanessa Carlton’s “Love is an Art” or Justin Bieber’s “Changes.” The only other albums on this tier were just underwhelming compared to what I know the artist is capable of, but the “best bad tier album,” in my view, was The 1975′s “Notes on a Conditional Form.” 

The mid-tier albums had all sorts of reasons for being only mid-tier. They weren’t quite bad or outright unnecessary, but are mostly by artists who put out work that was nowhere near the caliber of their usual work or were re-releases or other collection albums. For example, Tove Lo’s “Sunshine Kitty: Pawprint Edition” or Man With A Mission’s remixes/b-sides/covers albums. Nice to have with good quality music, but I wish we’d just have had brand new EPs or LPs. 

The good-tier albums were all really excellent releases, but didn’t hit home the way anything on the “God-Tier” list did. Here, I’d like to share a quick top ten: 

10. Taeyeon’s “Purpose: Repackage” & Japanese EP, “#GirlsSpkOut” 9. Charli XCX’s “How I’m Feeling Now” 8. Miyavi’s “Holy Nights” & “Holy Nights: 2020 Lockdown” 7. TK’s “Sainou” 6. PVRIS’s “Use Me” 5. Buck-Tick’s “Abracadabra” 4. Katy Perry’s “Smile” 3. Alicia Keys’ “Alicia” 2. Dua Lipa’s “Future Nostalgia” & “Club Future Nostalgia” 1. Ava Max’s “Heaven & Hell

Without furhter ado, though, the God Tier Top 25: 

25. Acme’s We Are Visual Kei: Essentially a collection album of several songs that were b-sides that never made a full-blown album. This LP was loaded with some of Acme’s best work and shows that they are going to be here for a long time, despite Div not quite working out. Recommended tracks: Mononoke Requiem, Gekiyama Celluloid, Houkago no Shiiku 

24. Alanis Morisette’s Such Pretty Forks in the Road: Admittedly, a huge fan in the 90′s and loved her cover of Seal’s Crazy. However, before this album I didn’t really listen to much of her body of work and I can see why today’s youth might not listen to this album. It is very “adult” insofar as it deals with her struggles in marriage, parenting, religion, etc. Her vocal performance is exceptional and her song writing remains some of the best in the business. Recommended tracks: Smiling, Nemesis, Reasons I Drink. 

23. Niall Horan’s Heartbreak Weather: Not my usual cup of tea, but for some reason Niall’s music makes me feel softer than normal. He’s very cute and charming and his words are always so romantic. It feels more genuine than the music made by other members of One Direction and kind-of reminds me of earlier Taylor Swift writing, but from a male perspective. Recommended Tracks: Put A Little Love On Me, Arms of a Stranger, Still. 

22. K/DA’s All Out: I don’t even really understand what this is, but I love it. There’s something to do with League of Legends? Cartoons? International pop stars? Whatever it is, I’m totally obsessed. These songs just completely slap. Recommended Tracks: The Baddest, More, Drum Go Dum. 

21. Darrell’s Brilliant Death: This might even “officially” be a single, but there’s enough content to market it as an album. Darrell is a band formed from the ashes of Deathgaze and Ai’s solo project. Who knows why Ai didn’t just continue after his solo album, Confusion, but he decided to go back to the band-format with confusingly-named Darrell. This album is then, incidentally, mostly Deathgaze covers. It brings the production into the new era and gives you a lot of nostalgic love for old hits. Recommended Tracks: Brilliant Death, Evoke the World, Abyss. 

20. Alice Nine’s Fuyajou Eden & Kuro to Wonderland: Neither album was particularly long, in fact these were glorified EPs that could’ve been merged to one two-sided LP, but in either case... Both albums had something really special to offer and felt like a true comeback after years of name changes and finally going back to their original, kanji-styled name. Recommended Tracks: Kakumei Kaika -Revolutionary Blooming-, Testament, Replica, Glow. 

19. Mucc’s Aku: This album felt very long in the making after a series of weird singles that didn’t feel like they were going anywhere. Ultimately, a lot of those singles did not make the album including my favorite one: Taboo. The resulting album, though, did feel very cohesive and thematic and even featured one of this year’s heavy hitters: Hazuki. Recommended Tracks: Aku -Justice-, Memai, Ameria. 

18. Miley Cyrus’s Plastic Hearts: This person is absolutely one of my favorite people in music. I’m pretty sure they have comeout as genderfluid/non-binary, so I want to stick with safe pronouns, just in case. However, they’ve always been a favorite and as they’ve come out as such a champion for the LGBT, I love them even more. The album though gave me a lot of hype for something very 80′s rock, but didn’t quite give me what I expected. All in all, the music was fantastic, just a little off-beat from expectations. Recommended Tracks: Gimme What I Want, Angels Like You, WTF Do I Know. 

17. Rina Sawayama’s Sawayama: I didn’t expect to fall in love with this girl the way I did. My boyfriend recommended “STFU” to me as kind of a joke because the song discusses a lot of Asian racism that I’m always criticizing people in my life for falling into, but then the song was so bad ass I checked out the album. There were so many different types of music on it and she really did a good job with all of them. Then, with the deluxe edition coming out and the hardcore club banger “Lucid” being involved... Just really brought it all home. Recommended Tracks: Tokyo Love Hotel, Lucid, Fuck This World. 

16. Amber Liu’s X: This was just an EP, but every song on it was great. Amber Liu was from f(x), a K-Pop Icon Group, but she always seemed like the odd one out. She was such a tomboy, so silly and funny all the time, and didn’t really behave like other Korean idols. I mean, really, she isn’t actually even Korean. I believe she’s Chinese American. In either case, the EP really noted some of her own personal strugles in the business and also remaining pretty fun at parts too. I saw her live in Philly before COVID-19 and she was truly excellent. Recommended Tracks: Numb, Stay Calm, Other People. 

15. Blackpink’s The Album: Not much of an album at only 8 tracks, but that’s K-Pop for you. I bet next year I’ll be putting “Blackpink’s The Album: Repackage” on my top 25 list. The quality of the music was pretty dope though, all things considered. It was a very solid debut effort with all of their previous songs being somewhere in the same lane as this one. I still kind of believe they are a reminder of what 2NE1 could have been, but they’re doing well enough on their own. Recommended Tracks: Ice Cream, Lovesick Girls, Pretty Savage. 

14. Hazuki’s Year Over All: Kind of a weird way to word it, but Hazuki basically released two albums this year in different formats. His work with his band, Lynch., was pretty magnificent. I’m not one to usually dwell on a Lynch. album. Their singles or featured tracks are what I usually get into, but the actual album (Ultima) really did a good job of showing how versatile Hazuki can be. His solo album, Souen -Funeral-, was an entirely stripped down, gothic orchestral album of Lynch. covers and other J-Hard Rock artists. Hearing it done like this was almost transcendental. Recommended Tracks: Xero, Idol, Ray, D.A.R.K. 

13. Sam Smith’s Love Goes: They had me scared that their album wasn’t coming this year once they pushed it back, back in May. Then again, at the time, an album called “To Die For” was probably super tone deaf. In any case, literally every single released for this album had me in love. So, when they all got included in the final version, I was thrilled. Sam gave us a bonus song after the album as well, but I can see why that one didn’t get on. In any case, this is a huge step up from “The Thrill of it All,” which I didn’t really care for. Recommended Tracks: Another One, Dance (’Til You Love Someone Else), Forgive Myself. 

12. Troye Sivan’s In A Dream: I love this kid. He’s so gay and so not shy about it and it really makes me smile. The EP comes after his last LP, Bloom, where the title track basically talks about bottoming for the first time and this new EP deals with a few other queer issues over weirdly produced beats that just... make sense. Recommended tracks: Stud, In A Dream, Easy. 

11. Matenrou Opera’s Chronos: Unfortunately, this band just lost their guitarist again. Their original, Anzi, was basically the most consummate guitarist in the visual kei scene that wasn’t Hizaki and he left them. Their sound wasn’t quite right since and they seemed to just get it back with Chronos when Jay left them. I guess we’ll see what they do next, but I think Chronos could be their last great release. Recommended Tracks: Chronos, Silence, Reminiscence. 

10. BoA’s Better: A very recent release that hasn’t had much time for me to digest. This is strange for me to put it so high on my list for that reason, but BoA is one of my all time favorites. She never disappoints me. This album was no different. It wasn’t exactly up to par with “Woman” or “Watashi Kono Mama de Ii no Kana,” but it definitely gave us some new and very iconic Queen BoA bangers. Recommended Tracks: Cut Me Off, Start Over, Temptations. 

9. Kesha’s High Road: A semi-step down from Rainbow, only because a lot of the same melodic elements and, sometimes, even beats were used on this album too. However, her vocal performance was outstanding and she even gave us a new dirty-pop song with some interesting indie-pop tracks to go with it. Plus, who doesn’t love a Big Freedia feature? Recommended Tracks: Resentment, Raising Hell, Tonight. 

8. Lady Gaga’s Chromatica: Anyone who knows me knows I don’t really love Gaga anymore. After all the drama with Madonna and her experimentation with “Joanne” I didn’t think I’d ever like her music again. However, she definitely won back big points for me on Chromatica. It was finally fun, weird, dancey, and then simultaneously emotional and I was really able to get back into it. She’s always had the voice, but on this one it also showed us that she still has what made us love her. Recommended Tracks: Rain On Me, Plastic Doll, Enigma. 

7. Koda Kumi’s My Name Is... Angel + Monster: She is, very likely, my Japanese Pop Queen. She always makes these absolutely outlandish bangers of dance tracks that have such a great attitude and beat and when she released re(CORD)... last year? 2018? Who can remember... I thought she could never outdo herself. Then she released “Lucky Star” and I was floored. I was a bit disappointed when they were only to promote a “My Name Is...” collection album, but then, to my surprise, a full set of new tracks came out just after that just blew me entirely away. Guess the last 6 albums must be pretty great, huh? Recommended tracks: Killer Monster, Work It!, Alarm. 

6. Grimes’ Miss Anthropocene: I’ve never been a big fan of Grimes, but when Violence came out I was really looking forward to whatever album this was going to end up promoting. The song is actual fire, but then the LP ended up being some kind of experimental Gothic Pop with Asian Pop influences I never expected. I doubt I’ll ever find something she does this good ever again, but it was really a musical light in the darkness of this year. Recommended tracks: Darkseid, Delete Forever, Violence. 

5. Kylie Minogue’s Disco: Admittedly, my draw to Kylie has always been that she is like some kind of Australian Madonna. Madonna being one of my all time favorite artists... In fact, number 2 for all women I listen to, Kylie has some big shoes to fill with her sometimes generic pop that she puts out. However, I haven’t really truly loved a Kylie song since “Get Outta My Way” and then this album comes out filled with tracks to love for the rest of time. Recommended Tracks: Miss A Thing, Till You Love Somebody, Magic. 

4. Chanmina’s Notebook/Angel: I don’t have really any way of knowing how popular Chanmina is in Japan or if she is as popular in the Japanese Queer Scene as she should be, but god damn does she know what she’s doing. Her music is raunchy, bitchy, and condescending at it’s highest and deeply personal at it’s most mellow. There is no “lowest.” “Notebook” was a two-sided album and “Angel” a strong follow up EP, but all the recommended tracks are from “Notebook.” If you have not listened to “Picky”.... go do it now, I’ll wait. Recommended tracks: Picky, Baby, Lucy. 

3. The Weeknd’s After Hours: Incidentally, I got into The Weeknd after someone said something shitty about him here on Tumblr! I took their likely-valid criticism and went to check him out for myself and I gotta say, I love his work. The beats are literally always on point and his voice is like silk. This album provided more than a few iconic songs and I always can’t wait to see what he does next. Recommended Tracks: Alone Again, Heartless, Blinding Lights. 

2. Halsey’s Manic: The singles and features she did between Hopeless Fountain Kingdom and Manic gave me such insanely high hopes and I was not disappointed. HFK was a strong album of course, but this was near perfection for me. I think the production of this alt-pop album was the star of the show because it wasn’t all one way, there were heavy-bass songs, interesting piano riffs, striaght up punk rock, all of it. She really made an album quite like it’s namesake. Recommended Tracks: Ashley, Killing Boys, Still Learning. 

1. Dexcore’s Metempsychosis: A newcomer to the visual kei and death metal scene, they’ve been putting out single after single for years in preparation for their extemeley long and multidaceted debut album. With a total of about 33 songs, the entire second disc was rerecorded singles from their early days and some even got new lyrical treatment. The main series of songs were, of course, also totally flooring and all of the recommended tracks are the new ones. If you haven’t checked them out by now, you have to! Recommended tracks: Cibus, Scribble, Period.

[sunflowerkiwi93]

Now That We’re Done - HS

All Parts: HERE

Summary: A twenty year old dancer, Elizabeth Payne, is recovering from a traumatic past with the help of her older brother, Liam. The two of them have been yearning for peace for quite some time, and when a good friend comes to live with them for the summer they start their journey towards finding it.  Through ups, downs, relapses, and two albums- Liz fights through her own mind to get better.

Warnings: There are mentions of abuse, PTSD, and anxiety throughout every part.  Also- mature content. One of the guys doesn’t turn out to be so great- this story is not intended to give him this image.  This is all purely fiction.

Part Five

Two days had gone by since I had to set up some serious security on my property.  I was keeping a close eye on my sister who seemed to be doing alright.  I had expected this to throw her off or trigger something in her but she was handling it well.  Kens called me yesterday to talk about Elizabeth and how she was doing, it was our usual every other day talk.  She told me I was doing well with the new rules we set between the three of us.

“This is funny,” I said to her through the phone, “Look who’s getting help now.”

I heard her laugh and take a deep breath.

“It’s quite normal in this type of situation.  You need to be alright to make sure she’s alright.”

I sat with my sister and Harry on the couch, we were watching reruns of America's Got Talent.  Elizabeth, lounging across the sofa with her feet in Harry's lap, and I were critiquing the contestants.  If there was a singer up I would have something to say and if there was a dancer Elizabeth wasn’t shy to shout out corrections.  We both laughed at each other the entire time.  Harry sat scrolling on his phone.  Elizabeth said something to him every now and then and he would just give her a word back, eyes still on his phone.

“Harry,” I said with subtle annoyance in my voice.

“Hm?” He questioned, eyes still to his phone.

“Harry!” I said again a little louder.  Elizabeth turned her head to me and sat up a bit, looking surprised.  Harry lifted Elizabeth’s feet off of his lap and came over next to me to sit down.  He showed me his screen.  He was scrolling through twitter.  There was article after article with our names in the headlines.  

I took it from him and he sat back putting his hand across his eyes.  I opened one that had a picture of my backyard on it.  I was swimming with Liz and Harry was sitting on the edge of the pool.  

My blood started to boil.  The article talked aimlessly about how Harry was here and around my sister and I.  Elizabeth's name was mentioned many times.  More pictures came through of us swimming, one zoomed in to me and one inappropriately zoomed in on my sister.  I cursed at it and shook my head.  

I looked to Harry quickly, his hand still over his eyes.  Scrolling down further I got to pictures of me going inside, coming back outside and going back in.  There were a few pictures of Harry and Elizabeth cleaning up then playing around chasing each other.  Beside the fact these photos were taken inappropriately it was nice to see her having fun from the outside.  There were a few pictures of them still running and then Harry caught her.  And then a photo of him holding her.  And then a photo of her turned to hold him.  And then a series of photos of them so close.  I scrunched my eyebrows together.  It looked like they were moving around the patio.  A photo of them looking at each other nearly nose to nose.  And a photo of them looking in the direction of the camera.  I stared at the second to last photo for a second and then handed Harry's phone back to him.  He didn’t look at me but he took his phone back.  I stared toward him.

“Hello?” Elizabeth asked, sounding annoyed, “I’ve been talking to you both!” Harry and I snapped our necks to her.

“Sorry,” Harry mumbled and I wasn’t sure if he was talking to her or myself.

“What’s going on?” She asked again.  I sighed.

“The pictures from the other night have hit the internet,” I said flatly.  Elizabeth’s eyes went wide and then she squinted at me.  My stomach turned for only a moment.  

“I don’t know how to feel.” She said quietly.

“That’s okay,” I said in the same quiet tone nodding to her.  Then I turned to Harry who was looking right at me with sorry eyes.  We shared a second, I took a deep breath and then I nodded to him, “It’s okay.”

Later that night after we finished dinner on the patio, Elizabeth asked to see the articles online.  I hesitated but knew I had to let her read it.  Pulling her phone out of my back pocket I gave it to her.  She unlocked it and I watched her tap away.  I looked out over my fence and saw some of Matteo’s team making a round around the house.  I never felt unsafe in my home, nor did I ever think I would need extra protection here.  My home was located in the most hidden hills where I couldn’t even see a neighbor unless I drove three or so miles out.  I had been racking my brain for three days now trying to figure out how that paparazzi had gotten here, knew where to go or how we couldn’t see or put together how he even got here.  There was no car or trace of transportation.

I brought my focus down to Elizabeth again who’s eyes were scanning the words and pictures.  Her brows were pressed together in the center of her forehead as she scrolled further and further.  I quickly looked to Harry who was sitting back in his chair with his arms folded across his chest as he watched her as well, very intently.  I still haven’t had the chance to talk to him alone about the photos or what went down that night.  I didn’t know whether or not I should even ask, it's not like anything had changed with their behavior.  Nothing was weird, nothing was different.  They act the same as when he had gotten here.  

Elizabeth slowed her scroll and her reading.  Her face relaxed and the corners of her mouth pulled up the slightest bit, almost nonexistent.  My eyes looked to Harry who had taken his bottom lip between his teeth, he was definitely fighting back a smile.  He quickly took a breath and shifted in his seat, his eyes looking away from her.  He directed his attention out over the fence watching the guys walk around.  

My eyes found Elizabeth again.  She locked her phone and slid it across the table to me, avoiding eye contact with her lips pushed into a fine line.  She moved only her eyes to look up to me sheepishly.  I didn’t change my expression.

“You can... take that back now,” She said slowly.  Then she looked to Harry hopefully but he wasn’t paying attention so she turned away.  We sat in silence for a minute.  “I think I’m a little scared.” She said sure of herself.  Harry's head whipped back to look at her.

“We don’t know... where that person came from,” She said shakily, “Or what he could’ve been capable of.”

“He was a forty seven year old loser-“ Harry started.

“Who could’ve done much worse!” Elizabeth raised her voice, “Who’s to say his only intention was photos?”

“Liz calm down-“ I reached out to her.

“No!” She shouted, “That guy knows we’re here!  He knows where we live!  Who else is he going to tell!” Her eyes brimmed with tears.  I pushed my chair back and came next to hers, putting my arms around her.  She latched onto my body and cried for a moment.  Harry was sitting forward in his chair now watching her.  I didn’t put together what else we had to worry about.  I was certain I only had to be concerned about my sister's anxiety and her feeling safe, but now I knew what else I needed to worry about.  This was our first altercation here at home with anyone from the outside who wasn’t Harry or security.  Elizabeth has only left the house, at max, ten times.  And most times she didn’t get out of the car.  She was only at the beginning of her healing process and it’s been two years.  She only felt better and superior and safe at home, it has been a struggle and a stepping stone process of going out with her.  Now suddenly that feeling of safety at home was being stripped from her.  

There was no part or thing in my house that was connected to him.  No part of him or our past came in.  It was a safe space, a new safe space that was only here for us.  In fact no one had come in besides Harry or security or our parents now and then.  Now that’s been tainted.  A part of that shield around us had been cracked.  I know where her mind has gone, and who has come in.  And he is not welcome here.

“The man was in jail for a day,” I said to her resting my chin on top of her head.  She quieted her crying but didn’t stop, “He worked for a small company not even close to the size of TMZ,” We all laughed once, “And so what the photos got out.  People will see them regardless, but you know who’ll be happy to see them?”

“Who?” She asked with a sniff.

“Your supporters.  Your fanbase you know you have but refuse to believe it,” She laughed again with more life behind it.  I could see Harry smiling, “They weren’t bad pictures.  They were pictures of you looking happy and having a great time with... friends,” I used the word lightly and Harry shifted in his seat again, “And who gives a shit what anyone, and I mean anyone, has to say about them.”

“Well what do you have to say about them?” She asked me, pushing herself out of my arms to look up at me, “Because your opinion matters.  And I’m sorry.” I shot her a confused look.

“Sorry for what?” I asked, wiping one of her cheeks, brushing the tears away.  She went to speak but only looked away from me.  She stared into nothing for a moment, then looked to Harry who was staring at her, then looked back up at me.

“Nothing,” She said.  I rest my hands on her shoulders.

“There’s nothing to say about them.  They’re some crappy pap photos.  I could’ve done better than him,” I stated making her laugh.  Harry laughed along with her.

“We’re going to be okay here,” He said, “Matteo is great.  I trust my guys to protect you.” Elizabeth smiled at him and mouthed a thank you to him before pulling me into a hug.

We made a point to show Elizabeth around the house and tell her everything she needed to know about the new system and alarm.  She was introduced to all of Matteo’s team, and I was worried about that. She’s not one to take well to new people, but she held her own and shook all of their hands all while holding onto one of mine.

Once she finally felt alright she said goodnight, kissed my cheek, hugged Harry and then went off to go to sleep.

Harry and I cleaned the kitchen up in total silence.  He washed the dishes and I changed the garbage.  I wiped the counters down and then sat myself on one of the stools.  Harry finished up drying the last plate and turned to look at me, leaning against the counter next to the stove.  A safe distance away from me.

“Liam-“ He began but I cut him off.

“Harry I could say a lot of things,” I said looking directly at him.  He bit his lip and knew to stay quiet.  “You’ve come here to stay for the summer, to see my sister, to catch up with me and to be here to support us through this awful time in our lives.”  He didn’t move.  

My mind went back to the year my sister lived with us in the Syco house.  The complete opposite feeling of her living with me now.  She was young and she was free from life coming to live with me and everyone else.  I told those guys to keep a distance.  We were all young and just over twenty.  Harry only nineteen.  We were at the height of our career, the fame and the money, the girls and the parties.  I was never one for that kind of life but I knew how to enjoy a drink.  When I knew my sister was coming I became the biggest big brother jerk.  I set my foot down to those guys and let them know their boundaries.  They all agreed, barely listening, but Harry sat there with a little devil in his eyes.  He knew how to get under my skin.  While he was the most respectful, the most polite and the least likely to bring a girl home, he was the biggest flirt.  And with knowing my sister would be living in the house, I had to push to the back of my mind the thought of him crawling over top of her.  As I left the house that evening to pick up my sister I had the wrong idea of who to worry about, and I didn’t know that until over an entire year later.  An entire relationship, the beginning hidden, then out in the open completely, changing my sister and who she was, and then the ending.  The majority of it hidden.  The horrific, disastrous ending that resulted in this life we live now.  

My fear and anxiety now comes from the unknown.  That relationship didn’t affect just my sister.  I should’ve protected her, I should’ve known.  But I didn’t.  And she was in danger.  With this space treaty between us in place I was scared to death.  I started calling it separation anxiety to myself, and I only said it to Kens once.

“My sister's life is the way it is now because I was in the unknown.  Because I was blind,” I said without breaking my eye contact with him.

“That’s not your fault-“ Harry tried to speak.

“Harry, listen!  Listen to me!” I shouted.  He jumped and folded his arms across his chest looking at me with wide eyes.  “I’m sorry,” I composed myself, “My sister's past has affected me in a great way as well.  Not as bad as her, of course, but I’m still living with pain,” Harry pulled a sad face, “I know you are too.”

“Not like you though,” He said quietly, “I’ve come here for more than just her.” I looked down to my hands.

“Kens changed our rules.  To give Lizzie more space.  More privacy.  And that scares me,” I looked back to him.  He nodded encouraging me to go on, “I’m really glad that you’re here, but please tell me what happened.”

Harry uncrossed his arms and came to lean his elbows on the counter closest to me.

“We danced in your backyard,” He said with a smile.

“You what?” I asked.

“We played around like kids, we talked, and then I sang to her as we danced around your backyard.”  

I stared at him, shocked.  Elizabeth hasn’t really danced in over two years.  She was on her studio’s traveling dance team, in their elite company and had the opportunity to dance on television but had that moment taken from her.  Since then she hasn’t thought about it.  I catch her every now and then start to move to music when it’s playing, but she stops as soon as she starts.  I’ve never seen her heart go out so big to anything but dance, and that’s gone.

“I started and she took over.  I’m honestly not even sure she realized she did, but we were moving.  She misses it,” Harry shrugged.

“Yeah,” I sighed, “I’ve talked with her here and there about it, but she won’t jump back in.”  Harry ran one of his hands through his hair, stood up straight and started to wander around the kitchen.  He was shaking his head, his body language turning to confusion.

“She should,” He said frustrated, “She was amazing.  She loved it and she was beautiful.” He turned to me.

“She is, isn’t she,” I nodded watching him carefully.

“She is and I wish she just understood that.  I wish I could make her see how truly fascinating she is,” He began talking with his hands, “How wonderful and exciting she can be, and how I... I just love her,” He hesitated for only a second, “That the part of her he took away... she needs to know she still has that.  It’s still inside her,” He paused to take a breath.  I sat still, in awe, and continued to watch him.  He ran another hand through his hair and then brushed both hands across his face and sighed.

“Harry,” I egged on.

“I heard it,” He said rubbing his eyes, “I... heard it.”  He lowered his hands and looked directly at me.

“I want you to know that I would never hide anything from you.  I swear on her life I will never ever hide anything from you,” He came back close to me and put his hands flat on the cold counter, “I will never hurt her.  I will never mistreat her.  I will never make her feel the way he made her feel.”

“We’ve said this before Harry, I know,” I said.

“No,” He nearly cut me off, pointing a finger to his chest, “I love her.” He pulled a sad face and shut his eyes.  I swore he was going to cry.

“I love her,” He opened his eyes to look at me.  I stared back not knowing what to say.  Part of me wanted to shut him down, but that wasn’t my move to make. 

“Do you know what affect that could have on her right now?” I asked him as his other hand reached for his face to hold his forehead.  His eyes closed as he rubbed it back and forth.  After some time he answered me.

“Yes,” He breathed, “I do, and I want you to know I had no intention of coming here to tell her,” His hand found the counter again, “You can tell me I went too far the other night, you can tell me I need to step back.  Please tell me what I need to do, but please know that I do not intend to tell her or sway her recovery in any way.”

“Her heart is only so big right now, and her world is so small,” I said watching his eyes look to the counter and he bobbed his head, “You’ve been out living your life, getting together with friends and traveling.  She’s been here with me.  She can’t go out everyday.  She’s begun to only know what this life is like.  She’s finally comfortable living this way and when it comes time to break that and move onto bigger steps... I have no idea what's going to happen or when it will happen.”  Harry stayed still, listening.

“What if it’s another two years?” I asked, “What if it’s two weeks?  No one will know and no one can tell when that’s going to happen.”  I reached a hand across to him and put it on one of his hands.  His eyes looked to me.

“I do know that having you here will help her a lot.  You bring out a side of her that I just can’t.  I’m extremely thankful that you can be here,” I smiled.  He pulled away from me, shaking his hair and adjusting his shirt.  A smile escaped from him.

“I want her to be better.  I want her to heal, and I’ll be there for her every step of the way no matter where I am,” He said.

“I can tell you that she loves you, too.  I’m not sure it's the same way, but she does.  And so do I, Harry.  We’re brothers,” I said to him with a grin.

“We’re brothers,” He held out a hand and we shook.

We pulled a few jokes and stories out of both of us about old times.  We sat there for another half hour before heading to bed.  I glanced into my sisters room before slipping into mine and I smiled.  She was wrapped in her sheets with the hood of her sweatshirt on, sleeping peacefully.  She was going to be okay, and I was going to make sure of it.

-

The door to my bedroom creaked open and light poured in from the hallway.  Glancing to my clock it read 4:26 a.m.  I sat up quickly to find my sister in the doorway barefoot with a blanket wrapped around her.

“You okay?” I asked, rubbing my eyes.  She nodded as her feet padded closer to my bed.  I pulled my covers down and let her hop in.  This is something we haven’t done in a while.

“I just want to lay here for a little bit,” She said laying down beside me pulling her blanket on top of her, “Is that okay?” I shook my head at her, confused.

“It’s always okay,” I smiled and laid back down.  My eyes got heavy again and I closed them.  I was just about to fall asleep until she spoke up.

“Is it true what Harry said?” Liz whispered from beneath her blanket.  My eyes shot open and I turned my head towards her.

“What are you talking about?” I asked at more than a whisper.  She peeked only her eyes out to look at me.

“Did he mean what he said about me?” She whispered again.  I sat all the way up and adjusted myself to face her.

“What did you hear from downstairs?” We were throwing questions back and forth at one another, “How much did you hear?” I tried to pull her blanket off her face.  She snatched it back immediately and kept her face covered.

“I got up to use the bathroom, I could barely make out words, but I heard him tell you we were dancing and then... I think he was talking about me,” She said, her voice still very quiet.  I looked down to my fingers and folded them together.  I shifted my gaze all around my dark room trying to find the words to say to her.  My heart was beating faster than normal and for once I didn’t know what to say to my sister.

“He said he loved me Liam,” She said so quietly that I would need her to repeat herself if we were anywhere else other than my silent room.  Looking down at her she had only her face out of the blanket.  We stared at each other for what felt like an hour.  

The one thing I didn’t want her to hear and she heard it.  The one thing I knew she would not be prepared for or ready to handle.  The one thing that shouldn’t be on her mind right now.  I had control over this one thing for only a small amount of time, and she’s heard it, and knowing my sister she’s not going to let it go.

At the Syco house I was an overprotective brother with barely any reason.  I tried to have control of it all, and I lost it.  My relationship with my sister was crumbling at that time, I was pushing her away as I tried to keep her close.  I didn’t like myself much then, and it sure was hard for anyone else to like me.  I wasn’t necessarily everyone's favorite person then, and I don’t want to be that person now.  I don’t want to stop her from venturing out into the world of love again.  I’m not even sure where she stands with it, but I don’t want to be afraid of it.   I most certainly don’t want her to be afraid of it either.

“Liam,” She broke the silence.  Neither of us spoke.  I nodded and encouraged her to go on, “Liam, I think I like him.” My heart fell into my stomach and it felt like electricity flew through my veins.  I closed my eyes and let a breath out through my nose.

“Are you sure you aren’t saying that...” I stopped myself before I sounded ignorant.

“Just because I heard him say it?” She finished my sentence and I gave her a guilty look.  I whispered an apology to her and she sighed.  “Harry and I have always been close since I can think of... Even at the start... We talk everyday and we get along super well and he’s so nice to me.”  I watched her as she spoke.  I poked her nose to tell her to continue.

“I feel like I’ve felt this way for a little bit, maybe when his album came out,” She said.

“Elizabeth then it's been a year,” I laughed pushing her forehead lightly.

“Yikes,” We both broke into laughter, “I guess I didn’t know I was serious about it until he got here.  He’s so much different from when I last saw him.“

“You last saw him just over a year ago I believe,” I said laying back down propping my head up on my hand to listen to her.

“God, Liam,” She cheesed for a minute, gripped the blanket and pulled it back over her face.  “He’s so amazing.  He makes me feel normal and so... confident.” Confidence is a word we haven’t used about ourselves in a long, long time.  Making a mental note to tell Kens immediately at an appropriate time in the morning.  Elizabeth pulled the blanket off her and turned her face to look at me.  She had no makeup on and her hair was a mess, fanned out behind her head, little curls forming beside her ears.  She had a couple freckles on her face from the sun and a dash of sunburn across her nose.  This was my baby sister.

“It’s a little scary,” She said, her eyebrows furrowed.  I answered her, copying her face.

“What is?” 

“Feeling this way about somebody,” She answered, “I know what I’ve been through in life.  I know what happened to me.  I’m not stupid and I can handle a lot more than I think some people give me credit for.”

“You talking about me?” I asked, jokingly sounding a bit offended.  She laughed.

“No, Liam.  I’m just speaking in general, and I may be trying to convince myself too.  I know what’s happened to me, and I’m finally understanding what I can handle and what I can’t.  When I read stories about women who’ve gone through what I’m going through, their recovery is not as long as mine.  Sure the therapy still happens and counseling of course, but they are out and about no issue.” I stopped her for only a moment.

“They are also not people like us.  They don’t live the life we do.” I said.

“Of course they’re not celebrities, I wouldn’t even consider myself one,” She scoffed and I rolled my eyes, “But they can handle so much.  I want to be able to handle so much.  I want to be a stronger person and feel better and do better.”

She rolled onto her stomach and squished the right side of her face into my pillows to look at me.

“I want to be back to normal, but I’m not entirely sure how to do that,” She sighed.

“Me either, Liz, but we can figure it out together,” I smiled tucking some her hair behind her ear.

“And Liam?” She asked, her eyes falling shut.

“Hm?” I answered.

“I want to love him,” She whispered, my breath hitching in my throat, “And I want to be loved by him.”

I didn’t answer her and she didn’t say anymore so I let her fall asleep.

I sat awake for another half hour trying to comprehend the conversation I had with my sister.  I went into her phone and found the stories she was reading about women in her situation and she was right.  Some women were back and up on their feet right away.  Some took a few months, but still got right back into the game.  Some were married and some had children.  There were only two around my sister's age, and they were out and about soon after.  She was completely right and I wondered to myself why it was taking so long to get through this.  I knew perfectly well this was not a magic fix and she would immediately be better, I know not all recoveries are the same and I know that PTSD shines through everything.  My sister was nowhere near perfect, but then again who ever is.

I closed out all of her apps and I caught a glimpse of her home screen before I locked her phone.  It was a selfie she and Harry took the day we were out by the pool.  She was smiling and he was pulling a face with his tongue sticking out.  I smiled at it and looked over to my sister sleeping soundly beside me.  I put her phone on my dresser and laid myself down yet again.  My clock now read 5:18 a.m.  I sighed deeply and closed my eyes hoping to fall asleep before the sun came up.

[like-a-bag-of-potatoes]

Stolen Moments - Part One

A/N: A little miniseries (that’s not really a miniseries anymore) that I’ve been working on. Not gonna lie, this is probably the hardest I have ever fluffed. It is also my very first at Sebastian Stan fanfiction, so go easy on me, alright? Feedback is GOLDEN, and the fastest way to my heart. Thanks to @superapplepie​ for letting me test my fluff on her, and to @thorne93​ for correcting all my spelling, you guys are the best.

Pairing: Sebastian x Reader

Warnings: none

Wordcount: 1448

“You can't do this to me, Ellie,” (YN) whined over the phone. “I'm not prepared, or qualified to do this.” She longingly looked to her bed, the one that she was about to climb into when her phone suddenly rang, the one that she had missed dearly since she had to leave it at 5am this morning. 

“Please,” Ellie begged. “I've been throwing up for hours and I can't just take the chance that it’ll get better by morning. And if you don't do it they’re gonna give the article to Clair,” she said, venom dripping from her voice as she said her co-workers name. 

“But… bed,” (YN) whined again, casting another longing look at the inviting piece of furniture. 

“I'll send you all the questions I have, so all you need to do is sit down, record the interview and send it to me,” she explained. 

“Fine,” (YN) conceded, “but you owe me one,” she warned. 

“You’re the best,” Ellie praised, the relief on her voice clear as day. “I'll email you the stuff… love you… night,” she said hurriedly, hanging up the phone before (YN) had a chance to change her mind. 

“Well, I guess it's you and me then,” (YN) said to her laptop as she sat down in front of it. Even if Ellie had done all of the work already, she just couldn't go in completely blind, so she sat down and started doing her research on this Sebastian Stan. 

**

It was nearly 10 am, and (YN) was running on three hours of sleep and about a gallon of coffee as she sat in the small room and waited for Sebastian to arrive. She wasn't completely out of her element here, she had been in many rooms like this in the past and conducted many interviews, but she didn't normally do movie stars. She had to admit she was a little intruiged by this Sebastian guy though, her night of researching him had left her with quite the impression. 

A soft knock sounded on the door to the small room and a blonde woman popped her head in to see if (YN) was ready. When she got the all clear, she opened the door wider and let Sebastian in, reminding them both that they had ten minutes, and ten minutes only. 

The first thing she noticed was that the pictures on the interned did not do this man justice in the slightest. He looked like a greek god as he entered the room, and that smile that he shot her when he introduced himself, that was enough to make her knees grow weak. 

She shook his hand, “I'm (YN), it's nice to meet you,” she managed, a shy smile tugging at her lips. 

“(YN)? I thought I was meeting with Ellie,” he noted as he took a seat. He had no idea who Ellie was, but he always made sure to get the interviewers name before going in. 

“She couldn't make it today unfortunately, but she gave me all her questions and it has all been cleared with your team and the magazine,” she explained as she returned to her seat. “Do you mind if I record this? I'm not the one who will be writing the article,” she questioned as he took a seat on the chair opposite her. She tried to not take notice of how his muscles moved under his t-shirt as he tried to get comfortable in the hard chair. 

“Go ahead,” he said, and she grabbed the small recorder from the little table next to her and turned it on. “So you’re conducting an interview with someone else’s questions for an article that you’re not gonna write?” he wondered, an amused expression on his handsome face. He had been interviewed more times than he could count, but this was definitely a new occurrence for him. 

“Pretty much,” she said, nodding her head. “But don't worry, I am a journalist, this just isn't my usual gig,” she assured, letting him know that she was a professional and not just some random person filling in for a friend. 

“What's your normal gig then?” he asked, not really understanding why he wanted to know, but the question fell from his lips before he could stop it. 

“Music. So I'm a little bit out of my comfort zone here,” she said with a nervous laugh.

“That's alright. So you normally do interviews with musicians and such then?” he asked. 

“Yes. And I review and critique albums and concerts and such,” she explained. “Hold on, who’s getting interviewed here? You or me?” she asked, a hint of amusement on her voice. The initial nerves she had had vanished, just something about his presence was so comfortable. No wonder he was well liked by everyone. 

“Right now? You,” he teased, a smug smile on his lips.

 “How about we mix it up so that we don't get my friend fired,” she suggested. 

“We wouldn't want that. Go ahead,” he ordered as he leaned back and got comfortable in his chair, giving (YN) his undivided attention, smiling softly as he watched her eyes travel over the little cheat sheet she had brought. 

“First question.With just over a week left until the premiere, there's a lot of excitement and anticipation for the new Avengers movie, can you tell me a little bit of what we can expect from that, and a little about your characters role in it?” she asked, reading from the paper in her hand.  

“Nope,” he said, popping the p. “I can't really say anything about the movie at this point, because the Marvel police will have my head,” he explained. 

“Dude, that's like half my questions,” she burst out, making Sebastian laugh at how distressed she looked. “You can't give me anything?” 

“Alright, I'll tell you this,” he said before he launched into some safe territory about action and some hefty fight scenes and so on, anything that wouldn't give away any plot at all. He couldn't help but feel a little sorry for her, here she was, doing a favor for a friend and he desperately wanted to help her get some answers. 

***

It did not go as bad as she had expected at first, although she wasn't sure Ellie got all that she hoped for, but at least it was something. Sebastian had actually been a great help, which was good, but also a little embarrassing. She must have come across as so unprofessional to him, and she hated that. 

“Well, thank you for meeting with me today,” she said, turning off the recorder after the same woman from before had popped her head in and told them to wrap it up. “I'm sorry that I wasn't better prepared for this,” she offered as she reached out to shake his hand again. 

“I think you did great, considering,” he complimented, smiling as he thought he saw a small blush rise to her cheeks. 

“You lie, but thank you anyway,” she retorted. 

“I never lie,” he said, offering her a cheeky grin. “Good luck with the article,” he said as she started shoving her things back in her purse, suddenly he was feeling a little weird about saying goodbye to her. 

“Thank you, I'll pass that along to my friend,” she said, flashing him a bright smile. 

Seb turned on his heel and made to walk out of the room, knowing that down the hall waited another journalist with new questions, but he was left with the feeling that he didn't want to go. He turned towards her again, rubbing his neck nervously as he cleared his throat and got her attention. “Look, I never do this,” he started, averting his eyes as he approached her again. 

“Do what?” she wondered. 

“I'm in LA for a few more days and I was wondering if you’d like to have dinner with me?” he blurted out, deciding to go for it before his nerves got the better of him. 

Had he really just asked her out? On a date? Or was she dreaming this whole thing? “Uhm… sure,” she said, a little bewildered. She dug through her purse and found one of her business cards and handed it to him. “My number is on there, so just call me whenever,” she said, hoping he couldn't hear the nerves in her voice. 

“Thank you,” he said, a grin on his face now that he had his answer. “I got to go, but I'll definitely call you later,” he said as he backed up to the door again. 

She was left in shock as the door closed behind him. Did that really just happen? 

******

If you like it, put a ring on it help me spread my work by hitting that reblog button. It would also be super awesome if you let me know what you think. 

If you want a tag, send me an ASK