#but sometimes one or a few negative comments can be so discouraging

[espithewarlock]

Just read "I'll let you give it to me" and ohhhh my God that was so good? And so hot? Your brain >>>>>

Actually speechless

Hello! Thank you for the ask and double thank you for the compliment!! I actually have a lot to say on the matter, so forgive me for using your ask to do it.

So I'm going to be perfectly honest and admit that I'll Let You Give It To Me, despite being a PWP, was a struggle to finish. I started writing it almost immediately after posting Croissants in Abu Dhabi and was finally able to pick it back up and finish it this weekend.

Part of the reason I set it down was because I got distracted writing other things (Baker!Pierre & 1016 Week prompts were happening around that time) and the other part is due to the comments I was getting on I’ve Got a Feeling That I’m Not Complete Anymore.

They were, to put it bluntly, mean.

There was about 24 hours that I spent crying on & off about them and I couldn't write a word of anything for 2 weeks. (That's not an exaggeration.)

The problem was, the comments weren't wrong. The commenters were mad about actions the characters were taking and, unfortunately, directing that anger at me, the author. (I haven't deleted any of those comments by the way, so they can be read on AO3.)

The characters that I wrote into that fic...they're far from perfect. Pierre is more than a little selfish and inconsiderate, Charles is definitely an enabler and has his own selfish moments, and Max is completely hypocritical about what he wants.

I wanted to write about a messy relationship and...well...I did.

That's why I haven't deleted the comments. They're correct on multiple fronts. I just wish those commenters had the presence of mind to consider the impact their harsh words would have on me. (Recognizing that this is a selfish request on my part but, well, it is my writing.)

They're supposed to be mad at the characters, they're supposed to want better for them, and they're supposed to see how those characters try and improve themselves, even if it isn't perfect.

I don't know about anyone else, but I think perfection in relationships is a) impossible and b) boring.

I'd also be remiss if I didn't thank the wonderful, amazing, @duquesademiel for being incredible. She dedicated an entire day to reading my fic and, essentially, live reacting to it in my DMs. (Plus, she left the most amazing comment on the final chapter that makes me 🥰)

That completely reignited my love for this universe and helped convince me to finish what I had started with this PWP.

So, yeah, this was just a smutty little one-shot for most people. For me, this is an accomplishment. I was able to set aside the negative comments and write something that brings me joy.

Hearing that it brought other people joy too is, as Max would put it, simply lovely. So thank you for taking time out of your day not just to read it, but to come here and tell me you enjoyed it. Positive comments and feedback like yours help motivate me to keep writing, and to keep improving my writing. 💚

[nerdygaymormon]

This conference was really hard for me and I'm relieved to know I'm not alone. Pres Nelson and Oaks' talks really made me reevaluate my place in the church and whether or not I want to be here anymore as a queer person. It just feels like everyone just wants us to leave so they can go on pretending the plan of salvation isn't presented in a way that writes out lgbtq people and does so cheerfully.

I also suffer from an eating disorder and when I tried to explain to my older sister in her late twenties that what president nelson said was hurtful, she told me that "well if food is your god, then you are offending the lord because it should just be Jesus. addiction is when something replaces god for you" which made me feel really discouraged and ashamed. Even though I know having an addiction isn't like that logically it still stung. I don't know. Basically I just want to say thanks for being honest about conference because I can't be at home. You're words have brought me a lot of comfort.

Back in the day I used to read blogs of queer Mormons, and they usually followed a similar arc. They were newly home from their mission and then had to grapple with the fact their queerness didn't go away. Things would start very faithful with a commitment to always be an active member, and would progress to them being more critical of the church and then no more entries.

Those blogs meant a lot to me because there was someone like me, but their story wasn't the same as mine.

When I started this blog, one of my goals was to write honestly about what it's like to exist in this space. I thought that one day historians would be interested in what it was like to be a queer person living through this period of LDS history. What did queer people at that time think, feel, and experience? What surprised me is that some currently-living people were interested in what I share.

It's always tempting to put a positive spin on things, to present myself in the best light, like I have everything figured out, but that's not reality. Sharing about being suicidal, crying about how hard therapy was for my social anxiety, my experience with reparative therapy, and how I was hurt by something said in General Conference are very much a part of this experience of being a queer Latter-day Saint, that's why I write about them in my blog.

Sometimes I worry I'm being too raw, too open, too negative, that I share too much. Your message is a good reminder that it's important to be honest so that we can see we aren't alone. Our stories have power! The power to help each other and the power to change the hearts of others.

———————————————————

I'm sorry you don't have family who you can talk to about these things. I don't either. Having a few close friends I can message about hard things is important to me and I hope you have some in your life.

———————————————————

What was said about eternal marriage isn't new, and I've built up some callouses to it, but to have it emphasized like it was in General Conference still hurts, especially how President Nelson linked queerphobic statements with "think Celestial."

Calling people sinners because they deal with mental health issues, like eating disorders, was unexpected and pierced me as I hadn't built up my guard against such rhetoric. Since I shared my reaction on social media, I've received many comments like your sister's.

President Nelson was a heart surgeon. Would he believe that people with heart issues were offending God, that they were worshiping their heart problem instead of God? What the heck?!! It doesn't make sense. Many people dealing with hard things turn to God for help.

I'm pretty sure God wants to help heal us. I don't think our personal trials offend Him. If anything, He hurts with us and for us. Jesus invites healing, not shame.

These "addictions" that President Nelson attacked are ways a person's mind and body try to cope with hard things. My mental health challenges come from being a queer Latter-day Saint and are ways my body & mind have coped with the emotional trauma and dissonance. So many queer folks have eating disorders and anxiety disorders. I'm glad our bodies protect us from worse consequences, but it sucks that this is a common result for queer people who try to be religious. Most non-queer members don't recognize there is a high cost to be paid by us, and I want them to know these are the fruits of the anti-queer teachings and policies

Please know you are loved. There is an online community of queer Mormons who know what you're feeling and who are pulling for you. If you need help, there are resources

please visit these if you are queer and need help:

Only to age 24: @trevorproject@utahtrevorproject (Utah) @encircletogether (Utah)

In Utah: @flourishtherapyinc @celebratetherapy

Active LDS: @liftandloveorg (national&online)

National: @glaad @988lifeline (involves law enforcement)

[bethany-vs-the-blank-page]

In a day and age where it’s easier to be rude than to be polite online, I just wanted to take a minute to talk about constructive versus destructive criticism for writing.

I will be discussing this in the scope of hobbyist writers; particular writers who receive comments ( especially fan fiction writers). This is because both the writer and the reader are not usually professionals in their respective areas and as such, writers may not know how to interpret a criticism and readers may not know how to effectively communicate their criticism.

As a disclaimer, I myself am not a professional writer or editor. I just think this is something that needs to be talked about more. Please feel free to add to the conversation with your own thoughts, opinions, or (constructive) criticisms.

To begin, let’s define three things: criticism, constructive criticism, and destructive criticism. Criticism is the act of passing judgement. It’s when someone gives their feedback on something. While criticism is not inherently a bad thing, it is important to distinguish between different kinds of criticism. Constructive criticism is criticism that is framed in a way that encourages a creator to keep creating by constructively giving ways that their technique can be improved. It is feedback that is given in a positive manner and is helpful. Destructive criticism is criticism that is framed in a way that discourages a creator to keep creating by excessively and unfairly pointing out flaws in a creation. It is feedback that is unrelentingly negative.

In hobbyist writing, there are often places that authors can improve, and readers often root for them to improve as well. Most of the time, readers and commenters want to be positive and helpful, although there are unfortunately a select few who go out of their way solely to be rude. However, sometimes comments that are meant to be constructive criticism can appear to a writer as destructive criticism, thus discouraging a writer when a reader did not intend to.

So what’s getting lost in translation? I personally think that the biggest factor in this is the absence of tone. When we’re speaking aloud, additional visual and audio clues help us understand how someone is speaking to us. For example, the phrase “You’re here?!” could be seen as someone getting a pleasant surprise if they smile and look up, or it could be seen as an unpleasant one if the person scrunches their brows, makes a face, and lowers their voice. Those cues, however cannot be translated onto paper. An example more closely related to writing could be the following comment: “you wrote this???” Without those extra cues, it is difficult to determine from an author’s standpoint whether this commenter means this in a “Wow! That’s awesome that you did!” kind of way or a “This is so bad I can’t believe you had the guts to attach your name to it” way. It’s entirely possible that an author can misunderstand the intended tone of a comment, thereby turning what was meant to be a compliment into a complaint in their mind. Using punctuation can help ensure that the sentence retains it’s original meaning, but it is not a guarantee.

Secondly, I believe that the line where constructive criticism turns in destructive criticism is much blurrier than one would like to imagine. While the line should seem clear cut, remember that what a commenter might think is a positive framework could be seen by the author as a negative framework. Here’s an example:

“I thought the story was good, but X should have definitely not done that and the romance feels kind of forced. Also those sentences sure be running lol.”

Read it again from a commenter’s perspective. Hey, they led with the statement that the story was pretty good right? Then they gave their feedback and even made a little joke about some bad grammar, because grammar is hard and everyone makes mistakes. That’s doesn’t seem so bad.

But read it again from an author’s perspective. Sure, the reader said they liked it, but now that part feels forced, as if they were only saying that to be polite, and the joke seems much more mean. The reader might have meant well, but now it comes off as a little discouraging, doesn’t it?

Here are some things that I’ve noticed that can turn a well-intentioned criticism into a destructive one. First is that commenters either gave a vague example of something they liked, or they don’t list anything positive about the story at all. No matter how bad you think a story is written or executed, you need to be able to name one specific good thing about it if you want to give criticism. Don’t just say “The story was good…” Say something specific. Additionally, be specific about what needs to be improved. It’s much less overwhelming to hear that only one small thing needs fixing rather than the whole piece. Second, be careful about phrasing something like “X was good, but…” That’s not to say don’t use “but”; just be mindful about how it’s being used. It can make the first good thing seem like it’s just there for courtesy, and not something that was genuinely good about the writing. One good way to do this would be to ask questions, especially if it’s about a plot hole. Just remember to phrase any questions in a positive manner as well. Third, don’t make too many criticisms, or if you feel like it’s necessary, make sure to add more things that you liked. My suggested ratio would be at least one positive thing for every 2-3 criticisms, and I would suggest dispersing them throughout a comment so that a list of criticisms doesn’t come off as a rant. And finally, make sure to clarify your intentions. This comes in with the absence of tone that was discussed earlier. A comment should be framed in a way so that it is clear that the reader is genuine about trying to help the author find ways to improve and that they have earnest for the writing. It helps to start with something positive, give the areas of improvement, and also end with something positive.

Here’s how I might rewrite than comment to ensure it is interpreted as constructive and not destructive criticism:

“I really thought this chapter was great!!! The buildup and suspense was amazing and I LOVED that plot twist! That being said, it felt a little strange that X did that, given what we’ve seen about their character. Maybe they have a secret? And I’m interested to see how this romance will develop since it doesn’t quite feel all that natural. X and Y just haven’t interacted that much, y’know? Also, I just wanted to say that there’s a sentence in the middle that just feels a little wordy. Anyway, I loved this so so much, please keep the story going!”

Seems a lot more encouraging now, eh?

In conclusion, if there’s one thing I want any readers to take away from this, it’s that the difference between constructive and destructive criticism can be a matter of perspective. If you were the author, would that comment make you excited to continue practice writing and get better, or would it make you want to put down your pencil and quit? Remember that both reader and writers are human, and extend some grace in writing comments and interpreting comments.

That’s all, folks. Happy reading, writing, and commenting!

[cbk1000]

If you're a young (or even just inexperienced) writer, you should know that if you get a less-than-stellar comment or review, that's just business as usual. I don't say this to defend the people who leave nasty (or sometimes well-meaning but unnecessarily harsh) comments, but rather just to assure you that almost everyone gets at least one at some point, especially if you've been posting for a long time. This is the internet; anonymous people like to be dicks.

While probably a good 98% of reviews I've received over the years are positive, or at least mostly positive, here is a brief rundown of some less than laudatory ones:

The DM from someone very condescendingly informing me I was bad at descriptive writing

Another DM from someone else who basically wanted me to persuade them to keep reading my fic (They were hemming and hawing about whether they should keep reading and listed all the problems they had with it and seemed to want me to make a case for continuing with it, and I had to be like, "I'm not going to tell you to read or not read this. It's free. On the internet. Read it or don't.")

The comment likening my work to Dr Seuss (Not inherently a bad thing, but in this case it was clearly meant as an accusation of childishness.)

Another comment comparing my work to high school writing (Hint: I am not anywhere near high school, that's pretty obvious in my writing, and while it weirdly preceded a lot of gushing, I can't see how anyone could think it's a compliment to tell what is obviously an adult writer that their writing reminds you of high school.)

A very long copy and paste flame from another fandom entirely that was addressed to me personally but was not at all personalized beyond that (Frankly insulting; they didn't even change the names of characters. The lowest effort trolling imaginable. A disgrace to internet trolls, honestly.)

A handful of comments over the years from various people who for some reason feel like they have to announce that they're no longer reading your work, and why

And a less-than-flattering comment on this website about my prose (Remember, kids: authors might be on multiple social media sites, so think twice before making a comment you wouldn't leave on their fic because it's rude. They might see it.)

The tl;dr is: I know it sucks, and it can be discouraging, but unless you turn off comments completely, you will probably eventually receive a less-than-flattering one. While it's hard to remember sometimes, the fact that you've received a negative comment does not, in and of itself, say anything about the quality of your writing, and I'm confident if you asked any of the writers you admire, they'd be able to tell you they've received a few of their own negative comments in their day.

[ilkkawhat]

20 fic questions

tagged by @frostysfrenzy and I'm hoping maybe this inspires me to write somehow:

How many works do you have on AO3? 287

What's your total AO3 word count? 827,685

What fandoms do you write for? Not published on ao3 but I used to write Doctor Who and Criminal Minds, on ao3 I got CSI and Macgyver (2016.) Unpublished, I've started a few Alan Wake fics and even started a Sorjonen fic.

Top 5 fics by kudos:

Speechless (Macgyver)

Stone Bridges (Macgyver)

Face Down (CSI)

Explosion + Krueger + Mac (Macgyver)

Trust + Together (Macgyver)

Do you respond to comments? I do my best to when I get them. I uh. have stopped for a while though but it's still a good feeling when I do see one on a fic

What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? All of them lmao. Real talk there's a few break-up fics I've written so probably one of those. This one Nick Stokes/Julie Finlay fic came to mind cause it wasn't supposed to be angsty and I did it anyway.

What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? Last Breath probably

Do you get any hate on fics? I've gotten feedback that like, I interpreted as "hate" but idk if it was every fully intended as hate and I'm just a sensitive person

Do you write smut? Yes. Can't guarantee it's good though cause I have 0 intimate experiences outside of a bad first kiss but I try to write it anyway lol

Craziest crossover? Wrote and subsequently deleted a fic once where Nick Stokes (CSI) and Jack Dalton (Macgyver) basically switched places and it was a bit sci-fi and out there and people didn't seem to like it so hence the deletion.

Have you ever had a fic stolen? Really fucking hope not. Bad enough I've had gifs stolen.

Have you ever had a fic translated? I think somebody did actually after asking permission.

Have you ever co written a fic? I have! I wanna say with two co-authors in the doctor who fandom way back in the day. I'd also argue a lot of my CSI fics were co-written because so many people gave me so many ideas for them and the fic either wouldn't have existed or been wildly different without them

All time favourite ship? That's a tough one cause I think it depends on how strongly I feel at the time, like right now the OTP is Alan/Alice Wake but I multiship Alan like crazy lol. I'll never be over Doctor/Rose, Nick/Greg, Root/Shaw....those are the immediate ones that come to mind.

What's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? Probably all of them....I have so many open Mac and CSI WIPs and never say never but it's not looking good. I hope I can feel good enough to write for them again some day.

What are your writing strengths? I've been told emotions and descriptions and I would agree with that.

What are your writing weaknesses? Less about my writing and more about me; I put a lot of self worth into my writing so when I feel like I get negative feedback or no feedback at all it sends me down this terrible spiral where my self confidence is destroyed (which is 100% why Alan Wake hooked me in the way it did, because I relate to him sooooooo much) so I get highly discouraged very easily which is nobody's fault but my own....I am my own worst enemy. Also maybe my dialogue is not the best sometimes cause idk how to talk to people

Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language? I'd try it! I think I have actually once or twice using google translate lol

First fandom you wrote in? CSI I think. Can't really/don't really want to remember before that.

Favourite fic you've written? Probably Specimen Stokes just cause it was such a wild and out there idea that people still ended up reading and enjoying (hopefully) though I worry it got too weird and cringe but I still love the feelings it gave me at the time of creating and the whole like, saga I wanted to make out of it. There are a few others but that was the first that came to mind.

breaking the tag chain but if anybody wants to also answer these feel free to say I tagged you 💜

[supernovadragoncat]

I wanted to ask you about this since I find you to be one of the more understanding people in this fandom... I'm not writer but I can't help but feel these pointed comments about dark fics (BTW: not talking about Littlefeather's posts; 100% think she's right and fully support her decision) can discourage and alienate writers and readers who do enjoy reading fucked up dynamics and themes. I don't want to enter a fandom that is already made out to be some 'freak fandom' by the larger ASOIAF fandom only to find people lowkey judging others for enjoying darker aspects of an admittedly fucked up canon ship, you get me? I feel like there's SOME policing going on and I just don't see the need to look down on people for enjoying these fics if they are properly tagged or make these little comments about how we somehow we don't truly get the dynamics. Sometimes I want to read about Sandor being a creepy stalker and sometimes I want to read about Sandor having a secret affair with his Queen lol. Why limit the pool? Am I being sensitive?

Hi Sweet Nonny!

First of all, you’re not being sensitive at all. There will always be a place for you and everyone in this fandom. I don’t mean that in a kumbaya way. I mean that in the sense that fandom and shipping should be a fun and enjoyable experience. It shouldn’t be mired in negative feelings. Not for you, not me, not for people who like drastically different things. No one.

Your preferences and triggers, the things that make you squeal with delight and the things that make you “nope” out immediately—they are all valid. Everyone deserves to feel included and safe to explore this ship however they like. That doesn’t mean, of course, we all align, but just that there’s a spirit of respect and understanding extended to others, whether or not they enjoy the same flavors of the ship.

I'll put the rest under the cut since I've apparently written you a novella, but I want to say that I value you in fandom, whoever you are, and thank you for coming to me with this ask! ❤️

The topic of dark content versus light content is one where I do honestly see both sides of the discussion. This is also a complicated discussion because it’s not just a matter of preferences, but very often there needs to be parallel discussions about triggering content as well as kink shaming. That’s where it can get unwieldy—trying balance these facets in a fair and reasoned way.

When discussions of fandom trends come up, it can create a sense that parts of fandom are being ostracized. I empathize with that feeling and I have felt it when these topics are raised. When you’re on the receiving end of “why is this trend/thing happening in fandom?”, it can feel like your preferences are being policed or that you’ve been voted off the island, so to speak.

In 2013/14, there was the great Sandor woobification debate where the fandom tendency to show the softer side of Sandor was hotly debated. After Game of Thrones brought in a lot of new fans in 2011 and 2012, there was the show!sansan vs. book!sansan debate. There were many debates about “how sexy is too sexy?” re: Sandor headcanons (there was bearded insta-thotty Sandor; then that time when several of us fell down a WWE rabbit hole). The rise of Modern AUs. The debates about dark fic and kinks.

All of these were discussions where people undoubtedly--myself included in more than a few--felt like they were not shipping “correctly.” Of course, that’s silly. It’s a ship. You can do whatever you want as long as you’re kind and you tag things properly, which most people are and do. And yet, the best of intentions can still go awry.

In these discussions, sometimes the topic becomes a monolith where, for example, something like Dark Fic™️ encompasses not just the content itself but the writers, readers, and artists who exist in that part of fandom. I think most of the time this isn’t intentional but is where the discussion can become hurtful. This is why Littlefeather’s post was so bang on—it tactfully decoupled the creator/consumers from the content itself, such that there were no value judgements being passed.

If I can offer a perspective from the flip side, imagine you’re scrolling the sansan tag on AO3 and you see an influx of sansan fics that are tooth-rotting fluff or domestic bliss sansan. If this isn’t your jam, it’s perhaps, at worst, annoying or eyeroll-inducing. However, imagine you’re scrolling the sansan AO3 tag and you see an influx of darker fics, especially fics that deal with a topic that is triggering to you. Even if you don’t click on the fic, it very well could still elicit a feeling that the ship isn't a safe space anymore or a general sense of unease.

My point here is that this topic is more complicated than just “don’t like, scroll on” or “dead dove, don’t eat.” Triggers are deeply personal and many times don’t manifest in ways that make sense or are predictable. This is why I personally espouse the mantra of “better to tag liberally than not enough, spoilers be damned” for dark fic.

“…Only to find people lowkey judging others for enjoying darker aspects of an admittedly fucked up canon ship, you get me?”

I get you completely and I think you’ve hit the nail on the head of what the divergences really boil down to.

First of all, no one—I don’t care how long they’ve shipped sansan—gets to lay claim to understanding the dynamic better than anyone else. Only GRRM gets to say that and, 10+ years from the last ASOIAF book, I’m not even sure he gets to say that anymore.

Everyone is drawn to this ship for their own reasons. For some, the darker aspects drew them in—a deeply traumatized man and a girl whose dreams were ground to dust. For others, the canon dynamics are fascinating from a psychological perspective. For some, it’s the BaTB dynamic. For others, it’s envisioning a happier, kinder future for two characters who’ve suffered so much.

There are many sansan shipers who are or were victims of abuse, domestic violence, and/or sexual assault and something about the ship is their way of working through the trauma. Someone once said that they were drawn to the ship because Sandor was the type of protector they wish they’d had when they were being abused. As the saying goes, you never know what battle someone is fighting or has just survived but is still healing from. Fandom may very well be their port in the storm.

However you ended up here, it’s valid. There isn’t a VIP entrance to this ship. We all get here how we get here, and it doesn’t really matter other than it’s cool that this ship means different things to different people. That should be cause for celebration, not division.

When there are people who come to this ship to escape dark things that’ve happened in their life or just to enjoy the love and romance, it’s probably hard to understand why some of us like and want to explore the darker, angstier side of the ship.

When you like and are attracted to the ship because of the complicated, fucked up aspects (I think we can all acknowledge the fucked-up parts of canon sansan), it can feel a bit disingenuous when others are baffled that this ship attracts people who appreciate the darker side.

Whichever side of the ship you like, you don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need to justify to anyone why you enjoy what you enjoy. This is especially true of the darker side, which can be subjected to kink shaming. If you like creepy stalker Sandor, you never need to explain why you do and why that's valid. If you write creepy stalker Sandor fic, you don’t need to justify yourself to earn your place in fandom. If someone doesn’t like it, there are 4,000+ fics in the tag. I’m sure they’ll find something they like or they can write the fic they want to read.

Fandom dies without diversity. We need diversity of voices, interpretation of the ship, the identities and histories we all bring to the table, tropes, headcanons, themes. If we have one flavor, guess what? No one’s coming to the popsicle stand. It's amazing that the fandom keeps trucking on with the absolute breadcrumbs GRRM and GOT has given us. I credit that to fandom diversity and a willingness to accept new approaches to the ship.

Write shamelessly what you want to write (just tag it). Read shamelessly what you want to read. Draw shamelessly what you want to draw. Podcast shamelessly what you want to podcast. You get the idea...

If anyone intentionally makes you feel bad about it, block and carry on. I strongly believe in creating a bubble in fandom to exist in if you need to.

I hope this helped, nonny, and my ask box is open to you or anyone, anytime. Take care of yourself! Much love to you. ❤️

[seesgood]

Hi, I saw your post about the RPC and activity—and no, it’s not just you. However, I’m also someone who tried interacting with you specifically… and you kind of gave me radio silence as well? I kind of felt like I didn’t exist on your dash when we were mutuals, only those close friends who you already engaged with were in your line of sight even when I actively engaged with you from my end. (I bring this up because it leads into my next point on why I think the RPC is dying off).

Maybe that’s a one-time thing/situation but I do feel like sometimes that’s a problem some people don’t realize (not just you, I’ve got it from other people as well) in the RPC as a whole. I think that’s also driving a lot of good, active people away from the RPC, and some people don’t recognize that they need to kind of… at least acknowledge peoples’ presences on the dash. It doesn’t have to be through RP necessarily either; liking their posts, responding if they comment ooc, sending them headcanon or positivity asks, there’s other ways to engage they say “hey, I see you!” that don’t involve the creative juices of writing a reply to them. People start to feel discouraged, or like they’re invisible, or like it’s not worth continuing when their presence isn’t at the very least acknowledged. And in that case, I think people miss out on the opportunity to engage with and write with people they might have built an amazing rapport with.

hi! first of all thank you for sending this in, i'm sure it's not a super easy thing to say to someone and i appreciate you doing so. i'm sorry if i ever came off like i was brushing you off or favoring certain people ( which i'm sure i do, as we all tend to do, because certain people feel safer / more familiar / etc. ) i will say that i make a lot of efforts to engage with people as much as possible, but it's incredibly difficult for me to talk / chat 24/7, especially if it's small talk or those awkward first stages of "omg i love your blog!." it also takes me a really long time to be comfortable with people, and despite the fact that i've been here for awhile, i only have a handful of people that i feel truly comfortable and safe and not anxious talking to. beyond that, i've had a really busy year, my anxiety over the past few months has been worse than it's ever been, and that definitely impacts the way that i interact with people, which is also probably why it feels like i'm only interacting with my friends.

i agree with every single point that you make, i try to make as much of an effort when i can to engage with people's posts on the dash, even if it's just a like or a comment. i think it does A LOT more than people realize. and i do think that you're hitting on this really great and complex topic right now of "it feels like the rpc is dying and one of the reasons is probably because people don't engage with one another the same ways that they used to" and this is true! but at the same time, i think there's also been a shift in feeling like you're owed someone's time / energy / attention and that can be very hard for people to. and i think when those things combine forces into the 'well it's not worth me being here because no one notices me and no one cares' it starts to breed this weird negative energy where it's like "it's on you to give me enough attention to warrant it being worth my time to be here" and i'm not saying that's what you're communicating to me, i'm just saying that's a trend i notice sometimes, and i frankly don't have the time or energy to be like KSJDFHKJSDHFKJSH BESTIE! to every single person, all hours of the day, when i follow a truly obscene ( quadruple digits ) amount of people.

so i think you're right and you make a lot of good points, and i apologize for the fact that my actions --- as unintentional as they were, whatever they were --- made you feel down about your presence here, but i would also like to kindly say to that: i'm not an extroverted person. i'm not a socially confident person. it takes a lot of energy for me ( and many others, i'm sure ) to sustain conversations with people we don't know (yet) and are not familiar with (yet) on a website with a culture that can be as volatile as tumblr's. my biggest rp advice is to do the things that YOU enjoy that make YOU happy, and try not to tailor it to other people. if you do that, i promise people will come. and i don't mean this in a "how dare you accuse me of such a thing i am a perfect human' i am not. i am far from it. i too have felt and do feel often the way you feel.

TL;DR + unsolicited advice, don't take a "me" thing and let your brain twist it into a "you" thing ( i.e. oh lia never messages me back but she's talking to all these people on the dash, she must hate me and i should just leave ) i promise you people's behaviors are more reflective of what's going on with them than what they think of you

[myfictionaldreams]

hi! i’m that asshole anon :/

at the time i really was just very upset about the fics! theres so many people who don't care to grow and change, or dont care if it “glamourizes” that behavior. it was for sure a knee jerk reaction. i definitely should have chosen my words better and could've for sure been kinder. I do want to say that while the dynamics weren't good your writing is FANTASTIC!!! ive seen you on ao3 and your work is sincerely really good.

i'm sorry that my (rude) message made you feel bad, i think you are an amazing writer and I appreciate you coming back with a nicer response than I would've. I really do feel bad.

your smut is done really well, and i’m hiding behind the anon wall because at first it was just bc i have a *tiny* following. but now its because i’m so very ashamed at my behavior. i do agree that that was shitty and I don’t deserve any kindness or good will.

i can see that you’re a growing writer and I do understand how much those kind of comments can be. again you are a good writer. i think maybe reading those felt like such a shock and I should’ve handled it better, maybe come to you in private with respect and after cooling down. i only wrote that to you because I wasn’t seeing disclaimers for the ones that i was talking about (on ao3)

i sincerely apologize, I hope that I didn’t make you feel bad or discourage you in any way. I was far too harsh and I understand that we are all human and none of us are perfect. I wanted to explain my feelings, but not excuse my actions. i wish i had a time machine. and i appreciate you as a writer, and when the time comes I hope you can forgive me <3

Hi! firstly sorry for taking a few days to respond my personal life has been very hectic & also needed to think about what/how to say my response.

Right, firstly i really really appreciate you returning and apologising and understanding that way that you worded the message was wrong etc and it’s clear from this message you do feel bad and understand that it was wrong so I do want to thank you for that.

However, I really do want to emphasis how difficult these negative/hateful messages make writers feel. This message or any other hate messages I will always remember, particularly when its feedback for things that aren’t intentinal (such as the bdsm dynamic you referred too). Sometimes writing doesn’t always come across how I wanted to in my mind and doesnt mean that it is written with malicious intent. Furthermore, there are ALWAYS warnings on my writing that I do feel like people just half read and don’t fully take into account. Yes, I could have labelled it further to specify that the reader enjoyed to be punished therefore there was pre-agreed consent but as I said, it was one of my very first fanfics so had a lot to learn still.

Again, I really do appreciate your response because every time I reply to a hateful anon, they never come back and I feel like it wasn’t worth the response in the first place so I’m very happy that you’ve actually read my explanation etc and giving me another chance.

Just for future though, for you or ANYONE going to send a message, always do it with kindness and education in mind. It’s hard to see that you have mentioned that you have enjoyed my other work so you know my writing style and still felt that one fic was glamourising something so negative you felt the need to send me a hurtful and patronising message instead of taking a moment to think ‘oh i like the other fics, this one is a bit different maybe i should message just to clarify’ - instead of what was sent in the first place and just assuming that I’m willing to write abusive fics.

But anyway, all is forgiven because I really hate negativity, I hope you are also doing ok, I do believe you are sorry and regret sending the message so everything is absolutely fine, lessons are learnt on both end of this interaction. Sending peace and love ღღ

[freeoffearfullofjoy]

Women Empowerment Podcast: How to Overcome Societal Expectations in Business?

When you were young, you may have had dreams. You might have wanted to be a princess, a unicorn, a wizard, etc. But as you grew older, your dreams became more realistic. You might have imagined yourself becoming strong and successful. Later in your life, you might realize that you want to own a business. But, maybe you are unsure about the entrepreneurial scene. However, this is not true. When you listen to a women empowerment podcast, you can learn from many women entrepreneurs who are on top of their games.

Girl Empowerment Podcast in Encouraging Women to be Successful Entrepreneurs Women can be as successful as men in business, obviously. However, sometimes, even today, women can be discouraged from pursuing and starting a business. But if you can only develop a greater sense of self-awareness and confidence, it can help understand your values, beliefs, and goals. Be true to them so you don’t have to conform to someone else’s societal expectations.

Learning to Assert Yourself Communication is vital if you want to play in the business game, especially in an area that seems to be dominated by men. Experts recommend speaking up for yourself and communicating your needs and boundaries. When you do this, you will have to get used to speaking up for yourself as the only chance to be heard and respected by your peers.

Challenge and Resist People may expect you to fail in business. But when you educate yourself on societal norms and biases, you can challenge yourself and learn how to resist them. You may feel that you need to have some kind of false attitude toward your business. Too many think it requires being aggressive and harsh, however, you have to find the leadership style that works for you.  It's better to be true to yourself and find your voice to rise above societal expectations.

The bottom line is to be confident in who you are. You have made it to where you are through perseverance. You’re already on top of your game. You must not conform to someone else’s idea of what a leader looks like.

Support One Another There’s a reason mentors are in demand these days. They can help support anyone who wishes to be successful. Thus, seek out mentors and role models. They can support and encourage you to be true to yourself. Your friends and family members can also be part of your support system. Your support team can help you deal with your struggle to be taken seriously.

For many, earning respect has always been a struggle. An important skill: you need to learn to build confidence. This will help you stop your negative self-talk. Get rid of those negative comments that are building up in your head. They can stop you from reaching your full potential. Combat them as early as now. You may wish to join an entrepreneur group to inspire you and hit you with reality checks.

Need More Inspiration If you are struggling to get rid of your negative thoughts, make sure to listen to Johari and Sarah’s female empowerment podcast. You may listen to one or a few episodes on Spotify.

[teeterarting]

here's a list of things i love about PSMD for no reason other than i think it deserves appreciation (spoilers)

the hero gets adopted by a nuzleaf. Hero, a young child that doesn't know why they were brought into this world, attacked by beheeyem, scared and alone, finds someone that takes them under his wing and gives them a home. it's really sweet that once Nuzleaf brings them to the Village, Hero's not alone anymore.

yes it was all a trick, he deceived you. but being betrayed by your father figure hits so much harder. it's much more personal, especially when both Hero and Partner are kids. and when Nuzleaf goes through all that ordeal in the post game, then gets accepted back into the village?? And his little speech to Hero????? it's heartbreaking and incredibly touching at the same time

everything is just so cute!!!! you go to school with your new friendo and you're friends with the schoolkids, and you make the trip to school every morning taking in the scenery, the smell of dew and fresh grass, and the sun on your face... and you take classes about Mystery Dungeon mechanics, and principal Simipour is a big BRO, the school nurse Audino is super kind and helpful... and you get to play with your pokemon friendos in summer vacation, and explore a dungeon with 'em... AND your bond with your Partner begins to form, getting stronger and stronger from then on. PSMD's beginning arc is so warm and pleasant, it's like reliving childhood memories all over again, when things were happier and you didn't have to worry about how cruel the world is. this story section's one purpose is to get the player used to the game's mechanics, as well as foreshadowing. unfortunately most of the school kids get forgotten later on, but I still love this part for everything it is, even if unintentional.

it's not just the beginning that's cute. PSMD'S ENTIRE WORLD IS ADORABLE. It's just filled with life every town you go. there are a bunch of pokemon locals and they all have interesting things to say, in the main story and the post-game. there's a point where their comments get repetitive, but that's bound to happen in any PMD game. Even then, the days are never the same. one morning you wake up and the Lively Town locals are exercising, then the next they're having singing lessons, and then they're practicing martial arts. and you get to connect with (or recruit) some of them just by.... chatting!!! Sitting next to that big ol' venusaur and sharing stories, laughing and having fun. it's good stuff.

Sometimes you find travelling pokemon in dungeons and it's jsut the coolest thing. Imagine you're exploring a dungeon, then your Connection Orb notifies you there's a fellow explorer in the floor. First thing you do is try to find them, and when you do - oh dang a travelling Archeops!!!! And then they just,,,, exchange their experiences and thoughts on exploration and how hard it is to fend off those enemies and the cool treasure they found the other day (the game calls it "[Team Name] and [Traveller pokemon] compared notes"). then the traveller heals you, fills your belly and restores your PP. and they go on their way. idk man it's such a cute interaction. explorers chatting, empathizing and helping each other, bc their job is not an easy one...

PSMD Partner is the most developed Partner in any PMD game yet. They start off as this naive, hyperactive kiddo, then stuff happens, and worse stuff happens, and you get to see how they grow and change and by the end they're a different person than they were before (in more than one way ...). It's just so nice to be by their side, from the beginning to the bitter end, and watch their growth. in contrast, Hero is a little unbalanced in that their backstory is not explored as much, and their personality is kind of a blank - probs meant to be vague so the player can be in their shoes. to me this just gives you the opportunity to shape their character however you want, so you can have tons of different hero/pardner dynamics.

The music is rlly flippin' good. Some of the tracks are recycled from previous entries, but when they go original??? it's a blast!!! "Echoes of the Mystical Forest" is one of my favorites in all four entries, it has no right being so amazing for a random dungeon. "Time to Set Out" makes me cry immediately (also i think it would be a better fit for the parting ways scene at the end...). Don't even get me started on "Second Dark Matter Battle", it has everything an epic climax needs and MORE. the Partner remix????? absolute genius

speaking of which, Dark Matter ITSELF,, is freaking amazing. Its actions were foreshadowed in the very beginning, though they were not blatant through the game. i do think they could have done a better job at showing the pokemon's negativity raising in the world, as well as negative feelings in the characters... but it's not like Gates did a good job at it, either (outside of cutscenes, all the locals in Post Town are incredibly nice to you and fights didn't "break out often". it's like the game tells you the world is a dark place, but what it shows in gameplay doesn't add up). so i'll cut them some slack. Still, I find Dark Matter a more compelling villain than the Bittercold for several reasons. it is sentient. its speech is a jumbled amount of voices all talking at the same time - the anguished voices of the world. It actually concocted a plan to hurl the planet into the Sun, using pawns like Nuzleaf and Yveltal to do its dirty job. in the Voidlands, Hero and Partner discover its past, and how it'll come back after defeat, like a cycle. when Partner accepts Dark Matter, they accept negative feelings as something everyone has within themselves. Most of all, the fact that Dark Matter is a manifestation of negative feelings doesn't make it just a generic threat, a final obstacle to be defeated so the world can be saved. It makes Dark Matter - negativity itself - a natural part of the world, the yin to its yang. and that's why I LOVE IT SO MUCH DANG IT EVEN THANKS PARTNER FOR THEIR ACCEPTANCE

The fact that Dark Matter can possess pokemon that have "even the smallest amount of darkness in their hearts". it makes me think of Mr. Nuzleaf and what he might have gone through in the past to make him so easy to be controlled. Did he hold a grudge against someone?? Did he commit a crime?? Had Nuzleaf always been malicious???? And if so, is this why he shows so much remorse in the post-game??????? because he had always been this vile fiend and then he met this small kid and got attached, but still carried on with his evil actions because his malice was still stronger than the positive feelings and Dark Matter's hold on him intensified?????? I don't know!!!! and as much as i wish the game could have given us that sweet mr. Nuzleaf backstory, it's pretty fun to have freedom to come up with your own version.

Everything about Super's climax is just phenomenal. Every single flippin' legendary is there to help you. Arceus is in the game. MEWTWO IS THERE. and when things are looking hopeless, they really seem hopeless. First the Tree of Life is dying, then your allies get turned into stone and sent to hell The Voidlands, Arceus gets turned into stone, the entire world is stone (except for several mon' that are still safe and holding onto hope, but they're so few). Your Harmony Scarves stop working and you and your Partner are back to your feeble, basic stage forms. You are bordering exhaustion, you have no Emeras, it's just you and your Partner against an eldritch abomination that's killing the life on the entire planet like a parasite, devouring all hope. but you still fight back. Given how adults in the game always discourage the village children from going adventuring, that they cannot do this or that because they're so little and fragile, it's awesome how Hero and Partner beat Dark Matter as tiny kids.

PSMD is not a flawless game. in fact there's plenty of things that hold it back and i even mentioned some... but it's still full of love put into it and it resonates w me more than PMD Explorers of T/D/S and Gates to Infinity (Rescue Team is a close second). its my all-time favorite PMD game.

[karanoid]

about top joe discord

LET ME ADDRESS A FEW POINTS:

There has been many fear and anxiety regardless the top!joe discord I made. I understand how it gives my discord a bad reputation. Somebody has kindly reached out to me to ask me addressing several points, which I’m now gonna clarify:

1. I am racist, I asked why, and they said mostly because of my dismissive behavior to people who called me out for drawing yusuf adorned in gold jewelry which made their friends feel unsafe. So, I am a muslim and was raised in a muslim household and community. I am fucking brown.

I didn’t say it because you don’t need to know that about me. What bothers me is how some people feel the need to come to my inbox informing me “maam yusuf is a religious muslim who prays 5 times a day and do all the supplementary prayers all while he drinks alcohol and fuck nicky in the dailies, he wouldnt be wearing gold maam no maam.” as if I didn’t know any better. so please, now don’t do that. If you care so much about the littlest details like wearing gold then you’ll also call out yusuf because he draws living beings and drinks champagne. yes it’s true muslim men are forbidden from wearing gold AND silk but let’s not forget, nothing in the comic and movies imply yusuf has ever been religious. It’s easier to see nicolo as religious because he was a fucking priest. Yusuf was a fucking merchant, it’s easy to see that he’d be less faithful because he would have been travelling and seen many kind of people to broaden his horizons and not contained to a little bubble of hyper religious community. However, let me remind you: whether yusuf AND nicolo are religious or not is entirely UP TO THE AUTHOR/ARTIST. It’s totally fine to make him religious and if you can respect it THATS GREAT, I ALSO LIKE HIM THAT WAY, but please remember it’s not even canon and hey sometimes I just draw things because I like the aesthetics. Also please, do not harass writers for getting a thing or two incorrect, even white people cannot get christianity correct, even between two muslims could be a disagreement whether this fic’s yusuf is problematic or not. I wouldn’t even expect anything more and THAT’S OKAY. Just don’t be an ass to muslims of color in real life and don’t fall into the believe that it’s a religion of violence. you can say that greg made him that way bc he knew nothing better but hey, I have no problem with that. again, it’s fine to make him religious, I’d be delighted but it’s ALSO fine to make him not religious.

2. I think that people only write Top!Nicky out of political correctness. OKAY. I apologize for this. I thought like this because I have accounts telling me that they were pressured into writing top!nicky or they wanted more readerships so I make a BIG assumption. I realized this is only a small part of switch and top!nicky fics and the big bulk of this must be out of genuine care. So yeah, I apologize for thinking that people only write top!nicky out of political correctness. I think writers should be allowed to write whatever they want. Yes this includes top!Nicky. And in whatever kinks they want it. However, this still doesn’t change that the discourses do scare people away from writing top!joe. Write top!nicky however you want, but stop vague-blogging about top!joe. racism isn’t inherent to top!joe and you can always remind people to be mindful with their writings but discouraging people from writing top!joe is not the solution. 

3. Top!joe is racist and people in the discord are racist. Okay, I am gonna touch several aspects why top!joe discord is considered racist: (1) because I don’t like to switch them, therefore I am racist. Sorry that’s not how it works. I have a clear preference and that’s just how I roll. Besides, a lot of people in the discord (including me) think either they switch (because they are 900 yo) or joe just doesn’t like bottoming. I’m not the kind of people who refers to reality for fiction I consume but people who prefer to top or to bottom exist (2) i want to be away from accountability and responsibility. Nope. The reason I made it is because I wanted to gather people with same interest as mine. 

4. I paint Yusuf as aggressive and the whole discord like him being an aggressive top. I think this is the only reason why the discord is seen in a negative light. Because wow what a coincidence that someone vagueblogged my discord at the day I celebrated about Nicky suggesting 20 years and wrote a post about how Joe is allowed to be angry. And beside someone made the WRONG assumption that we are focusing on Joe’s anger and violence (what). Okay, I don’t know how to break this down. But I will try. First, yes I was overjoyed at the news. Because I’m one of the people that do not like feral!nicky headcanon. I liked it at first bc it was funny but then it was twisted into Nicky being cold. So I don’t like it (lol), I still like it though but like I don’t seriously think that way. However, I never liked the idea that Nicky suggested higher than Joe. Because then his character just doesn’t click with me, there was a cognitive dissonance for me because joe clearly says nicky’s heart overflows kindness, you can see nicky as a medic in the credit montage. Also, from their body language and from the way the movie set em up, I think Joe is the one who suggested higher and I am glad to be proven right. Second, I did write a post about how Joe is allowed to be angry at Booker. People agreed with me, so I was not alone. But the reason I wrote that post is not because I wanted to paint yusuf as aggressive, but because I’m tired at people who think Joe shouldn’t display any negative emotions. I think it’s out of character. I do NOT think Joe is aggressive. That is NOT his wholeass personality. If you looked at my tog art tag, never once I portrayed Joe as anything aggressive. If I do, please show me. Third, people are conflating this with my post where I reblogged with a comment that implies aggressive Joe isn’t racism. Okay in this, the context is IN BED. It’s Joe being aggressive in BED. It’s literally BED ROLES AND FANTASY. I don’t even have a particular scenario in my head when I reblogged that, the original post clearly refers to bed roles with manhandling and kinks etc. like, why would you spank someone in public? Lastly, about the discord, NOPE, most people in the discord agree that Joe is either a GENTLE DOM or SERVICE TOP. But in my opinion, if someone likes Joe as an aggressive top (again, bed roles baby) I really don’t think it’s racism. It’s just... projection? 

anyway, back to joe’s emotions, these are posts from a moroccan man (paragraph #7) and a brown woman whose posts I agree with. Let’s be real, people of color are expected to shut up in favor of white people’s fragile feelings.

Now, about racism in fandom. I understand the concern because muslim men are painted as violent and aggressive. You know what I will never forgive those radicals for taking away innocents lives and to leave a lasting damage in how muslims are perceived in the west. However, you have to keep in mind, Joe in the movie is far from being stereotyped. I mean, Gina and Marwan practically greenlit him? Now, you might have concerns that writers are gonna turn him into a walking stereotype which is... okay, I understand that concern. But the solution is to communicate this ‘hey I think you make him too stereotypical in this etc etc’ not “write more top!nicky AND shame top!joe” because again, top!joe is not inherently racist.

also some people mentioned that they hope I recognize racial bias in the ship. dude, that goes without saying, all aspects of your life will be influenced by racial biases. however, this kind of thing is not specific to fandom/shipping. Like I said I’m fucking brown, friends and families with facial features that cater to white expectation are treated better. I did say at the bottom of this post, yeah I did notice why it’s always a brown character who’s always openly mad. And that’s in itself a form of racial bias. Racial biases affect everyone, white or POC, it doesn’t matter. But I got an issue with how people think this is racism. like how convenient, if by falling to racial biases mean you are a racist then what about those white people who created this racial biases in the first place? and I noticed the persons who got the audacity to cry about everything in this fandom is white?? I mean okay, they don’t know what I am, but not everyone is comfortable with sharing their private information like ethnic group, faith, etc. what if they really don’t want to share it? Because like you said, racial bias, whether good or bad will affect me. Now, I don’t know what white people are feeling, I’m not white. However, based on my interactions with them. We’re all just people sharing same interest, it could be they fall into racial biases, but all we shared about are just regular HCs. Even people making a conscious effort to combat racial bias still in essence fall for racial bias. You just cannot escape it.

According to this post, fandom assumes that the bottom is the proxy of writers, I don’t think this is applicable to everyone but let’s just say it’s true and people tend to write about their projection better so I’m gonna assume the racism part comes from the fact that..yeah I do think the bottom usually gets more fleshed out as a result of them being the writers proxy, so somebody posted this in the discord which I agree because yes I do think there’s a lack about yusuf’s background especially when it comes to crusade era:

but since I know most writers aren’t muslims, to me it’s not so much about racism but they simply know nothing about it, and not always out of ignorance either but in this climate, if you get a thing or two wrong you’d get harassed. so *shrugs* I understand the reluctancy. But here’s the thing, this is not about top/bottom issue but because most of the fandom are white so they have more freedom in writing the white character. Anyway, plenty of people have projected themselves into yusuf already, the whole “top/bottom” thing in this fandom is not even a thing. Yes, some writers project on the bottom so if you prefer bottom!joe that’s fine, somebody in the discord is doing a research and it turned out top!joe wasn’t even a CLEAR majority in JULY. So clearly they got their share already?

so please, let’s stop with the vitriol. if people are preferring top!joe it’s clearly because of different preferences. it’s not that deep. it’s the same way with how some people are preferring top!nicky. But we’re being driven out based on a hypothetical scenarios? like what do you want? for us to cease existing??? don’t be ridiculous.

I know people won’t listen to me. So this is my suggestion: LETS JUST IGNORE THINGS YOU DON’T LIKE. LET’S ALL JUST AGREE TO DISAGREE. 

[peterparkers-bad-youtube-apology]

The Sanguine Web - Part 3 (Finale)

Pairing: Peter Parker x Reader

A/N: Alright, this is the finale, I hope ya’ll are happy with it, I really like it, feedback is always appreciated. Love you guys xx

Warnings: Mentions of death, blood, and angst

Summary: It’s the end of the line.

Prompts

Masterlist 

Part 1, Part 2

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

“How do you feel?” Betty was the first to break the awkward silence.

“Better,” I forced a smile, “I’m sure I’ll be out of here in no time.”

“You were fine last night,” Peter commented, “What happened?”

“I don’t know, I got a little upset last night and I woke up coughing,” I shrugged, “Maybe I just got too worked up.”

He frowned, “You should have called me, I could have helped.”

“It wasn’t a big deal last night, I wasn’t coughing or anything, I was just talking to Betty,” I didn’t want him to feel bad, “They probably aren’t even connected.”

Betty frowned, “I doubt that they aren’t connected.”

Peter frowned and turned to her, “What do you mean?”

She blushed slightly, “It’s just the things we were talking about, it’s not my business to tell you Peter.”

He turned back to me, “What was it?”

“Just mortality,” I blushed, “I was just frustrated, it wasn’t that big of a deal.”

He frowned, “Okay…” he dropped it, but I knew he didn’t believe me, “Well what did the doctors say?”

“They’re doing what they can and Dr. Morrison is gonna come work with me.”

“That’s good,” he smiled, pushing one of the seats besides my bed so he can sit besides me, “I’m sure you just need a little push.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

He frowned, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing Peter, I just don’t feel the best right now.”

I don’t know if it’s better to just go along with the optimism or try to be realistic.

“Well you’re gonna get better,” he took one of my hands, “You have to, you promised.”

I nodded, “I will, I’m sure you're right, I just need a little push or something.”

“And there’s still surgery,” he reminded, “It’s not too late to opt in right?”

“It’s not happening.”

“We can talk about it later,” he hummed.

MJ rolled her eyes, “Stop pushing her on it, she said she doesn’t want it.”

“Guys stop,” Betty frowned at them, “Not the time.”

“I know that,” Peter snapped, “And I’m not just gonna let the surgery go.”

“I might die in a few days, is spending a bunch of time arguing about a surgery really something you want to do?” his jaw clenched and I instantly regretted what I had said. I hadn’t meant for it to come off so harsh or to make him so upset. “Peter I-”

He surprised me by leaving, storming out isn’t really like him. But he did, crossing his arms and stomping out of the room. I just wanted him to stop pushing it, I didn’t think about how it would upset him.

“I’ll go talk to him,” Ned squeezed Betty’s arm before following after him.

“I’m sorry,” I blushed, “I wasn’t trying to make him upset.”

“He just doesn’t want to see you die, none of us do,” Betty sighed before coming to sit besides me, “I think you need to tell him what we talked about last night.”

“I’m not doing that, it’s just gonna make him upset.”

“What did you guys talk about?” MJ frowned.

Betty locked eyes with me for a minute before sighing, “She just said that she doesn’t feel like she wants to get over this. Her and Peter are really close, I just feel like talking to him about that might help.”

“You don’t think you’re going to get better?” MJ tried to clarify.

Betty looked to me again, leaving it up to me to tell her, “I know that I have to get over him, but I don’t want to, and I don’t know if I can just force myself to do that.”

“Then why are you so against the surgery?” she sighed, “Adeline told me it’s only about a fifty fifty chance that you couldn’t fall in love again. So the odds really aren’t that high, I mean I’m trying to support your decision but it’s a little hard to understand why you’re so against it.”

I couldn’t answer her, I couldn’t tell her the truth.

“Can you guys go for a little bit?” I averted my eyes, opting to look at my lap over them, “I just need to be alone for a little bit.”

“(y/n),” Betty sighed, her tone slightly scolding.

“If you need a little alone time we’ll go,” MJ grabbed her shoulder, “You know what you need better than we do.”

They left me there to stew in my own negative thoughts until Dr. Morrison arrived. I was glad she was the next person I got to see, I didn’t want to upset my friends anymore. “How are you feeling?” she smiled at me as she sat down.

“Well I guess physically I feel pretty normal, but a little discouraged otherwise,” I blushed, “I don’t know, a lot’s happened.”

She nodded, “I think it’s very normal for you to be feeling discouraged right now. Why don’t you go ahead and tell me what happened?”

“Peter and MJ broke up,” I began, already starting to feel all my nerves rising to the surface, “And I know at least part of that was my fault because I was putting a lot of pressure on them, and I ended up telling Betty about everything last night. A lot came up and I guess I just kind of realized that I don’t want to move on, and I feel really guilty about all of it.”

She took a moment to take everything in and then responded, “You told me they had been fighting for awhile, don’t you think that had more to do with it then you?”

I blushed, “I didn’t help though, and part of me is happy about it, part of me liked watching them fight.”

“Do you feel like you encouraged them to break up.”

“No, I tried to encourage them to fix things but I don’t think I did enough.”

“It’s not your responsibility to fix their relationship.”

“They wouldn’t have broken up if I wasn’t sick.”

“You don’t know that, they were already having issues. Did you talk to either of them about how you're feeling?”

“Kind of, Peter told me that everything was already there. When I talked to Betty she said it was just one more thing on the pile, but I’m not blind, I saw what was happening.”

“I think you’re letting your guilt get the better of you, and you have no reason too. Peter knows better what was going on in their relationship than you do, if he said it had nothing to do with you then it didn’t,” she shifted in her seat, obviously waiting for me to answer, but I didn’t want to, “I know we’ve talked about this before but why don’t you tell me why exactly you feel guilty again?”

“Because I’m friends with both of them but I like him, and I can’t stop myself from feeling jealous sometimes. I feel bad about the part of me that wanted them to break up, and I feel bad that I could never get that part of me to go away.”

“How does that make you feel about yourself?”

“I don’t know, gross I guess.”

She pursed her lips, “Earlier you said you don’t want to move on. Is that because you feel guilty?”

“It’s not fair that I have to.”

“That doesn’t answer the question.”

I felt myself tearing up, “Maybe part of me feels like I deserve it,” my voice was the smallest I had ever been, it was hard to say it out loud.

“Okay,” she wore a small smile, “Admitting that is big, and it gives us a goal. We need to get you to a point where you can forgive yourself.”

“How do we do that?”

She hummed, “I know this really scares you, but I think telling them would be really good for you.”

“I’m scared,” I blushed, “What if they hate me?”

“I don’t know what will happen, but I know a lot of that guilt will go away if you can just tell them. I don’t think they’ll react how you’re thinking they will though, I think they just want you to get better.”

I had to just nod, but it was much easier said than done. I spent the rest of the session only half tunes in, fear bubbling in my stomach while I tried to think of some other way around the issue, but nothing came to mind. I knew she was right, I knew if I wanted a chance I had to tell them. Finally our session drew to a close, with her promising to return the next day to keep working. I felt a little drained, but Peter was waiting when we finished, and I knew I needed to apologize for what had happened earlier.

“How’d it go?” he asked, his hands were shoved awkwardly in his pockets and his eyes were red. “Good,” I frowned at him, “Were you crying?”

He nodded, “Yeah, I’m fine though, don’t worry about me,” he sat on the edge of the hospital bed besides me and took my hand, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have stormed out earlier.”

“I shouldn’t have said what I did,” I blushed, “I know you don’t want to hear stuff like that.”

“Yeah,” he wiped his eyes suddenly, “I don’t know, it’s in the back of my mind all the time but hearing you say it freaked me out. The whole time you just keep telling me you’re gonna be fine, and I just know if you stop feeling that way then…” he cleared his throat, “Doesn’t matter, you’re gonna get better, I know you are. I just keep trying to push you on the surgery because I’m scared, not because I think you can’t get better.”

I knew it was probably better to be honest, or to just blurt everything out, but I wanted to protect him.

“I’ll be okay,” I assured, “I know you’re just trying to help me Peter.”

He just barely smiled, “What did Dr. Morrison say?”

I sighed, “She thinks that I should tell him.”

“Then you should.”

“It’s not that easy.”

“I’ll help you, I’ll even do it for you,” he offered hopefully. I shook my head, “No Peter.”

His face fell again, “Did you tell Betty who he is?”

I nodded, “I told her last night.”

“Why didn’t you call me? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“You had enough going on.” It was only half a lie really. “And I already told you I don’t want you to know who it is.”

“If you’re gonna get better why does it matter if I know? I won’t do anything, I just wanna know.”

“Why does it matter who it is if I get better?” I tried to counter.

“I wanna have someone to blame if you don’t get better,” he admitted, cheeks tinting red, “You never mentioned him at all until you were sick, and I mean he’s not ever here, I don’t get it.”

I’m reminded instantly why I was so dead set against telling him in the first place.

“I’m not telling you who it is, I need you to let it go. It’s not his fault if something happens.”

“Yes it is,” he argued, “Does he even know what’s going on?”

“Peter stop, please,” I squeezed his hand, “Let’s just talk about something happy for a little while.”

He hesitated but nodded eventually, “Maybe we could all finally watch a movie.”

“That sounds really nice,” I smiled, “Is everyone still here?”

He nodded, “Yeah, I just wanted to apologize alone. I can go get them, but, um…” he sighed and cupped my face, kissing my head before he stood, “I’ll be right back.”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

“Are you sure you’ll be okay? I can sneak in,” Peter frowned as they all got ready to leave.

I nodded, “I’ll be fine, and I’ll call you guys if I’m not.”

Betty hugged me at the side before taking Ned’s hand, “We’ll be back in the morning, you get lots of rest okay?”

“I will,” I assured, “I’ll see you guys in the morning.”

“I’ll text you,” Peter promised, “And I’ll be back as soon as visiting hours open.”

“I’ll be fine,” I laughed, “Seriously, just go relax.”

He hugged me tight, holding me firm against his chest, “Are you sure you don’t need me to stay?”

I nodded, “I’ll be fine.”

“Shit,” MJ swore, “Sorry, I think I left my keys in your room.”

“Oh, no problem, we can go get them,” I smiled, “Drive safe guys.”

“We will,” Betty assured, waving to me while she and Ned tugged Peter along.

I sighed, “So, keys?”

She nodded, “Yeah, then I’ll be out of your hair,” she hummed, “I’m sorry, I know I wasn’t super talkative today, it’s just a little awkward with Pete, but I wanted to be here for you.”

“That’s okay, I get it, I’m glad you came though,” I blushed, keeping my eyes on the floor and walls, “Have you been okay?”

She nodded, “Yeah, I would say I’ve been good actually, I think we both just knew it was time to move on. What about you? How are you holding up with everything?”

I stopped, suddenly I just couldn’t move, I couldn’t even take my eyes off the window beside me. “Can I be really honest?”

“Of course, I mean I know we aren’t the closest, but we’re friends, you can tell me what’s going on.”

“I don’t know if I can do it.”

She knit her brow, “I can’t imagine everything you’re feeling right now, but I’m sure you can do this (y/n).”

I knew I couldn’t tell Peter the truth, but I felt worse about MJ, and telling her didn’t seem so daunting. I thought maybe if I just told her, I could get better.

“Do you remember when you asked me if it was Peter?”

She nodded, “Yeah.”

I sat down at the bench in front of the window, my throat and my eyes burned in anticipation of what was coming.

“I’m so sorry MJ.”

“(y/n),” she frowned as she sat down besides me, “It’s okay, I’m not upset with you. There’s a big difference between having feelings and acting on them.”

“It’s not okay,” I sniffled, “You’re my friend, a-and he’s my friend. I shouldn’t have ever felt that way.”

“It is, I promise you I’m not upset with you.”

“It’s not some petty crush MJ, I’m in love with your boyfriend, there’s something wrong with me,” I cried, “A-And I put all this pressure on you guys, and I can’t ever tell you how sorry I am.”

“You didn’t put any pressure on us, (y/n) we were going to break up regardless of anything anyone did because we just aren’t a good fit anymore,” she frowned, “I really don’t want you to feel like this is your fault, and I know for a fact Peter would feel awful if he knew you felt that way.”

I shook my head, “You don’t understand MJ, I’ve been so awful, and I-I was jealous and I was happy when you broke up. I’m so sorry.”

“(y/n) it’s okay,” she grabbed both of my arms, “I understand being jealous, I’m not mad at you for that, I’m sure I would have felt the same way in your position. You never acted on anything, and I know you never would have, and that’s all that matters to me here okay?”

I couldn’t believe she was so calm, that she wasn’t telling me how much she hated me.

“You don’t have to be nice just because I’m sick.”

“I’m not, I promise if I was mad I’d just tell you. Look I’m ready to move on from Peter either way, and I’m not gonna hold the fact that you like my ex against you ever. And I’m not gonna hold it against him if he likes you either. All I want for Peter is for him to move on and be happy, and all I want for you is for you to get better and be healthy again.”

It felt unreal, having that weight lifted off my shoulders. I was always so sure she’d be mad, that she’d hate me. “You really don’t hate me?”

She nodded, “Of course not. I mean if you started dating a guy and I was into him would you be mad at me?”

I blushed and shook my head, “Not as long as you didn’t act on it.”

“Exactly, and I’m not mad either. I’m sorry you’ve been feeling so guilty about this, I’m sure that hasn’t made it easy to try and move on.”

“It hasn’t helped,” I wiped my eyes, trying to calm myself down again, “Dr. Morrison thinks I haven’t been able to move on because I’ve felt so guilty.”

“Well do you feel any better now?”

I nodded, “Yeah, quite a bit actually. Thank you.”

“Of course,” she hugged me quickly, “Can you do something for me?”

“Of course MJ, anything at all.”

“I need you to tell Peter that it’s him.”

I flushed, “I-I can’t put that on him.”

“Trust me when I tell you that Peter would so much rather you put this on him then try to deal with it yourself,” she frowned, “I promise everything will be better after you just talk to him.”

“I-I’ll try,” I promised.

She pursed her lips but seemed to accept my answer, “I guess that’s all I can ask.”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

“Uno,” Peter smiled as he placed a card into the pile, “You better step it up a little bit,” he teased, nudging my knee with his. I rolled my eyes, “Uno’s a mind game just you wait,” I covered my mouth to cough, another petal fell out of my mouth and I reached for my water, “Sorry.”

He frowned, “You good?”

I nodded, “Fine.”

I’d been coughing all day, petals or flowers, and always some blood. I’d already gone through three water bottles since he got there.

“Okay,” he drummed his fingers along his leg, “We can stop if you need.”

“You’re just trying to worm your way out of the giant L you’re about to take,” I hummed before slapping a draw two onto the pile, “Read ‘em and weep Parker.”

He rolled his eyes, “I won the last 3 rounds.”

“Yeah well you cheated,” I bit back, “I know you’re counting cards.”

“You can’t count cards in Uno,” he laughed.

“Sorry to interrupt,” the nurse smiled apologetically as he stepped into the room, “It’s time for your antibiotics.”

“She keeps coughing,” Peter climbed off the bed with a frown, “Is there something for that too?”

The nurse nodded, “Yes the antibiotics.”

“R-Right, sorry,” Peter blushed while I laughed.

The nurse brought over the little tray with my two pills on it, making sure I took both and giving me a cough drop to suck on, “Do you need anything else while I’m here?”

I shook my head, “No, thank you.”

Peter watched closely, “Did you get a good one this time?”

I nodded, “Cherry.”

“I’ll be back in a minute to take you for your x-rays,” the nurse took the tray back and left us there alone again.

Peter frowned, “Hopefully Ned and Betty get back before you have to go in.”

“I’ll be okay, the x-rays only take a few minutes,” I patted the spot across from me, “Come on, we’ve got a game to finish.”

“Do you think they’d let me go with you?”

“Probably, I don’t see why not. You actually wanna see it?”

He shook his head, “No, not at all, but I think maybe it’ll help me relax if I actually see it. I’m sure I’m making it seem worse in my head.”

“I think so too,” I smiled while he made his play, “I think they’re kind of pretty.”

“I’m sure I won’t feel the same way,” he hummed.

“You might,” I shrugged as I placed another card, “Uno.”

“You might actually win,” he smiled as he drew a card.

“Finally,” I placed my last card and clapped, “Yay.”

“I still beat you three times,” he reminded as he picked up the cards, “You wanna go again?”

“No, now that I won we can be done.”

He laughed, “Great, what do you wanna do then?”

I shrugged, “Just wait I guess, I’m sure they’ll be here in a second.”

“Are they gonna bring a wheelchair or something?”

“No, I can still walk,” I laughed.

“I don’t know what they do,” he blushed, “We’ve just been staying in here, and you’ve been coughing all day…” “I can walk,” I assured him as the door creaked open, “I hope that’s lunch.”

Unfortunately it wasn’t, it was just the nurse again, “Ready?”

I nodded, “Can my friend come with?”

He nodded, “Yeah, that should be fine.”

Peter tried to help me up, frowning when I told him to stop. He kept a hand on my back while we walked, despite my insistence that I could walk just fine. I knew he was just worried, and I’d tried to calm him down, making faces through the glass while they took my x-rays, but he was too fixated on the doctors to even notice. Then I got worried because Peter suddenly got that worried look while they were talking.

“All done dear,” the nurse smiled, “Come on.”

Peter was waiting right outside the door with the doctors, “What’s wrong?” I frowned.

One of the doctors sighed, “It’s still progressing, we won’t have much longer for surgery.”

“I’m not getting surgery.”

He nodded, “If you’re still set against it there’s a couple forms you’ll have to fill out, but as your doctor I have to highly advise against it. We could get you in for surgery very quickly.”

I shook my head, “I don’t want surgery.”

He nodded again, “By the looks of it you’ll have until tomorrow to change your mind, but we’ll have someone come by to help you with the paperwork.”

“Okay, thank you.”

Peter was quiet at first, but I knew he was angry as soon as he opened his mouth, “You’re not seriously doing this are you?”

“Peter we’ve talked about this plenty,” I blushed. “Okay but it’s real now, you can’t just keep telling me you’ve got time, you don’t have time anymore.”

“It’s still not up for debate,” I sighed as I sat back down on the little hospital bed, “You don’t have to stay here while I fill it out, I understand this is hard for you.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he sat besides me, crossing his arms, “I’m gonna sit right here and convince you to get the stupid fucking surgery.”

“I’m not changing my mind,” I sighed as the door opened, a different nurse came in with a stack of paperwork, “Hi.”

“Hi,” she passed me the papers with a smile, “The top there is just a release form, it’s just some legal protection for the hospital, under that is a deathbed will, I can help walk you through that.”

Peter went wide eyed, “She doesn’t need a will.”

“Well she certainly doesn’t have to fill one out but it’s a precaution we recommend since she’s opting out of surgery.”

“Well she doesn’t need one, so you can just take it back, she’s gonna be fine,” he snapped. “Sorry, he’s right though,” I passed some of them back to her, “I already have a will.”

“I’ll leave you alone to read over the rest then,” she smiled as she left.

“You have a will?” Peter clenched his jaw.

I nodded, “I had one drawn up a few weeks ago.”

“While you were telling me you were fine, great,” he rolled his eyes, “So you’re just fine with dying now?”

“No, but I’ve been thinking a lot about it lately and I thought it would be good to have one. It’s not just about being sick, I could get hit by a car or something,” I pinched his side, “You’re reading into it.”

“I’m not,” he blushed.

“Peter,” I sighed, moving the papers to the small table besides me, “Do you wanna play Uno again?”

He shook his head, “No, Ned said him and Betty are almost here, let’s just wait for them.”

“Alright,” I let my head fall on his shoulder with a sigh,”We can just sit then.”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

“Hey,” MJ smiled, wrapping an arm around my shoulders for a quick hug as she arrived, “Sorry, I got off late.”

“That’s okay,” I smiled back to her, “How was work?”

“Good, how are you?”

“I’m good.”

“The doctors said it’s her last day for surgery,” Betty corrected with a frown. “Oh…” she glanced between Peter and I before nodding, “You’re still opting out?” I nodded and she sighed, “Alright,” she pulled a chair up and fell down in it.

“We were gonna play Mario Kart,” I nodded towards the tv, “I mean we’re out of controllers but we can trade off.” “Cool, I can just w-”

She was cut off by the loud alarm on Peter’s phone, “Sorry,” he apologized, glancing at his phone with a frown, “Shit…”

“Spiderman alarm?” I raised a brow.

He nodded, “Yeah, it’s fine, someone else can handle it, I need to be here.”

“Peter go,” I squeezed his arm, “I’ll be fine, go be Spiderman.”

He shook his head, “It’s fine, it’d probably take me awhile anyway.”

“Peter just go, I’m okay, really. We’ll call you.”

“Yeah, we can hold down the fort,” Betty agreed.

“Okay…” he hesitated to get up, “I’ll be quick.”

“Peter it’s fine,” I laughed, “Please go save the world, I’d like for New York to still be here when I get out of the hospital.”

He nodded, “I’ll be right back,” he assured, hugging me before ducking out of the room in a hurry.

MJ peaked down the hall, making sure he was gone before she spoke, “Have you tried to talk to him?”

I flushed, “Peter’s been here all day, everyday, we’ve talked a lot.”

“She means about you liking him,” Ned butted in, suddenly blushing, “Betty told me.”

“Betty,” I groaned.

“I didn’t tell anyone else,” she promised, “Look all of us have talked about it and we really think you should talk to him.”

“It won’t do anything,” I sighed, “All it's gonna do is make him feel worse when I die.”

MJ frowned, “You don’t know that.”

“Yes I do, he doesn’t feel the same way I do so it won’t fix anything.”

“He might,” Ned blushed a little harder, “I mean he hasn’t said anything, but I don’t think it’s strictly platonic on his end either.”

“It won’t do anything for me if he isn’t in love with me,” I blushed, “Guys I would tell him if I thought it would help, but it isn’t going to.”

“It might,” MJ pushed again, “You don’t know if it’s gonna help or not. It’s worth a shot, and I know for a fact Peter would want you to tell him.”

“I can’t.”

Betty sighed, “(y/n) I know you’re trying to protect him but you have to try, this is the end, it’s now or never, you have to give it a shot.”

“I’m not putting that on him.”

“Then we’ll tell him,” MJ threatened, crossing her arms and raising a brow.

I went wide eyed and Betty quickly jumped in, “No, we won’t,” she assured, “But we aren’t going to let it go either.”

“Well you should, because I’m never telling him, ever. He doesn’t need to know.”

Betty sighed and MJ rolled her eyes, “Fine, fine, we’ll drop it.”

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

Peter hadn’t finished before everyone left, so I’d just texted him to wish him good luck and asked him to let me know when he got home safe. When I was finally left alone I decided to go over the paperwork, I really just wanted to stay up though. Part of me wanted Peter to just come back anyway, to sneak in and spend the night for me, but part of me was grateful for the bit of alone time. As much as I wanted to stay positive for my friends, I needed to drop it sometimes and be realistic. I could feel how weak my body was getting, I could tell how much harder it was to breath, I could tell I didn’t have that much longer. I wanted people around because I was lonely, I especially wanted Peter, but I knew it was bad for me. I was surprised when the door opened, people were in and out all day, but they always knocked after visiting hours. Of course Spiderman wasn’t really one for knocking though.

“Hey,” I smiled, “What’s up?”

He closed the door behind him, clicking the lock before removing his mask, “Is it me?”

I froze, “What do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean.”

I shook my head quickly, “No, of course not.”

“Are you sure?” he kept pressing, “Because MJ told me that it was, and she wouldn’t lie about that.”

“It’s not you,” I couldn’t even look him in the eyes. “I need you to be honest with me here (y/n), please,” he bent in front of me, forcing me to have to face him, “Please just tell me.”

There was nowhere for me to run to, I had to face him. I didn’t want to, I wanted to lie again, but he had already caught me. So I just nodded. His mouth hung open and he just stared at me. I couldn't even move. Then he kissed me. Of course it was something I liked, something I wanted, but I was too frozen to react.

“Why wouldn’t you just tell me?” he frowned, cupping my face in his hands, “A-And how could you ever think that I don’t love you?”

I swear I was short wiring. “I-I know you love me Peter,” I placed my hands over his, squeezing them gently, “But it’s not the right kind of love, a-and I just didn’t want you to feel like this was your fault.”

“Yes it is, why do you think I kissed you? I mean how obvious do I have to be (y/n),” he laughed, pressing his forehead to mine. I shook my head, “Peter stop, it’s okay, I j-”

He rolled his eyes and kissed me again, this time I wasn’t in shock though. The first thing that struck me was that Peter had really soft lips, and they vaguely tasted like strawberries. I just barely kissed him back, I was still a nervous wreck.

“I love you, I love you so, so much, and I just need you to know that so you can be okay.”

I just nodded, “O-Okay.”

He sat down besides me, still holding my face, “I can’t lose you.”

I could feel my hands start to shake and my eyes starting to burn, “You really mean it?”

He nodded, “Of course I do, I don’t know how I could have made that anymore obvious (y/n),” he wiped my eyes with a frown, “Come on, you’re supposed to be happy, you’re gonna make me start crying too.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, trying to force myself back together, “This is just a lot.”

“It’s okay, just as long as you get better,” he sighed, “I love you, I’m sorry you had to go through all this just to know that.”

“It’s okay,” I sniffled, “I mean I know it now, so it’s okay.”

He smiled and kissed my forehead, “I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” I blushed, squeezing his hands once more, “Can you stay here tonight?”

He nodded, “Yeah, you’re definitely not getting rid of me now,” he nuzzled his nose against mine before pulling away, “Can I kiss you again?”

I nodded, “I’ll kiss back this time.”

He laughed before pressing his lips to mine, and I finally let myself enjoy it.

｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆　　 ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆

“Bunny wake up,” Peter’s voice purred against my ear, drawing me out of my sleep.

“I’m healing, let me sleep,” I mumbled, rolling to hide my face.

“No, no, no, doctor said you’re all better, you can’t use that excuse anymore,” he chuckled, kissing my shoulder before rolling me back over, “Come on, we’ve got an amusement park to get to.”

I hummed as a smirk krept over my lips, “Is that today?”

He nodded, “Yes, you’re all better which means we are going on the very special first date I have planned for you.”

I giggled as he pulled me up, forcing me into the sitting position, “A first date huh?”

He nodded again, quickly pecking my lips while I wrapped my arms around his neck, “Yes, hanging out at home while you were getting better is not how we are starting this relationship.”

“Really? I thought it was so romantic,” I rolled my eyes before kissing him again, “Alright, let me go get ready.”

“Wait,” he pulled me back down as I tried to stand, “Just a few more things.”

“What?”

“This,” he kissed my cheek, “And this,” then the other, “And this,” he smiled before pecking my lips, “And just a few more of those.”

I laughed against his lips before I let myself get lost in them.

[thoradvice]

hi, i hope you’re doing well! i have 0 friends and just a boyfriend who’s a big part of my issue, so really no one to talk to about this. the only family i speak to are always condescending in their responses. i dont know what to do with my life, especially financially. i just turned 20 in may and i feel like life is going by so fast and that i’ve already missed so many opportunities. i’m about to finish my associates degree in communications, but i have no job experience or anything. besides, i have no motivation to work an average 9-5 job. i want to do something creative... i enjoy writing, watching films, fashion, and video games. that’s kinda it. i dont know what to do with that and how to make money off of any of these sustainably?? i dont know who to turn to or ask for advice and google takes me down a vague rabbit hole cause i have a hard time getting specific. i just feel so hopeless all the time and i try not to be negative, i really want to try the rest of this year to do more with my life then lay around and just pass my classes. for insight i have anxiety and depression. i really want to live the life i dreamed of where i have a cool creative career and live in nyc (which i’m supposed to move to february 2022- i’m currently being financially supported by my dad which i want to do less obviously) can you help me? thank you abs sorry this is so long <3 i just need guidance

breathe, anon. 20 is young. insanely young. you have so so much time, i promise. i know the media heavily romanticises your teen years and 20s, but there’s so much more to life than the ages of 15-30. you have more time than you think. more time to pursue your passions, to have that amazing creative career. i know we’re pushed the child prodigy narrative in every field, but there is literally nothing better about achieving your life’s dream at 18 than 45. you have time. breathe.

as awful as it is, sometimes we really do need to do that awful, boring 9-5. at least for a little while, pursuing our passions is amazing, but that has to be funded somehow. a few years of dreary 9-5 is how we have to do that, in most situations. it sounds like your dad is willing to financially support you, which is very kind of him ! but if you’re wanting that to happen less, you may need to just push through that 9-5 for a couple years. nyc is crazy expensive, and you’re going to need a stable job just to survive. 

if you really want to make it in a creative industry, you need to start building some kind of resume. take classes in fashion, photography, filmmaking, coding. anything that is relevant to what you want to do. sign up for courses for amateurs in these fields. talk to people who’ve made it. start up an instagram account to begin to crate a name and a brand for yourself. look into internships in your area - and nyc - in these industries. creative fields are hard to break into and hard to do well in. you need these things behind you to even start to be able to make it.

i don’t know your family’s financial situation, or yours, which makes it hard to comment. however, as someone from a poor background, i would take a few years of 9-5 and save up as much as i can, probably while living at home. i’d take classes and courses and maybe an internship or two on the side. then, when i had a substantial amount in savings and some experience in fields, i’d move to nyc and pursue my dreams. however, i’m not someone who plans on going into the creative industries, so take that with a pinch of salt. but you do need to have some realism here - this stuff is hard. i’m not discouraging you at all, i’m sure you’re talented and have what it takes, and honestly i commend anyone pursuing their creative passions. but you need to have some sort of plan here. if your dad is financially supporting you, talk it over with him and your boyfriend.

but i promise you that life is not passing you by. you’re so young and you have more than enough time to do everything you want to do and so much more. good luck with the future, anon.

[shiftings]

shifting 101

If you’re new to shifting and want to know more about it, worry not, this post is here to help.

What is shifting?

In simple words, shifting is moving from one reality to another. It sounds like something out of "The Matrix" but actually you've been shifting your entire life, you even did it when you decided to read this post. In another reality you're probably not reading this post. The shifting we're talking about is moving your consciousness into another reality where you already exist. There is a really really large number of realities for every possibility so if you can imagine it, it probably exists in a different reality. That means you can shift to movies, books or anime worlds. You can even “create” a reality, though it already exists. 

Current reality (cr) and desired reality (dr)

The first is the reality you’re in right now. The second, a desired reality, is a reality you want to shift to. It can be similar to this reality or completely different, that’s up to you. You can also shift to more than one desired reality, you can have as many as you want as long as you can keep track of them.

Scripting

Usually shifters use something called a script. It’s basically a description of your desired reality, your desired self etc. It can be as long or as short as you like it. Scripts can also include photos, videos, audios etc. Where or how you make your script doesn’t matter. Scripting isn’t always necessary, but it’s better to write down some things to enhance the experience. I’ll make a separate detailed post about scripting.

Safety (TW mention of d*ath)

Shifting is safe.You don’t die in this reality when you shift. You don’t go into coma or anything like that. But because your desired reality is a real place, you can still get hurt or even die. If you do die you will simply return back to your current reality. You won’t actually die here too. However you can always script so it doesn’t happen in your dr either, because who would want to go through that, right?

Is shifting wrong?

Shifting is not wrong. You’re not cheating life or doing anything bad. Remember, we have done this every day of our lives. Some people say it’s against religion, but that depends on how you view it. I can’t speak up about other people and their beliefs, but many people agree that shifting is not bad. 

Is shifting real?

Yes, a hundred percent. You’re not lucid dreaming, you’re actually moving to a different reality. Everything is real and feels so. The people are also real and have their own consciousness, so don’t treat them like puppets. They’re just as real as us.

How to shift

To shift all you need is your mind and belief. If you believe you can do it naturally just like breathing, then you can. There are many methods people use which help them shift. Subliminals, frequencies, visualization etc also help. But in the end, your mind has all the power. Remember, everyone has the ability to shift!

How long it takes to shift

This is different for everyone. Some people have shifted on their first few times, for others it has taken longer. Like I said, everyone has the ability to shift, and if you believe you can, you could shift right now. Sometimes it takes longer for people because they still have doubts or maybe they don’t feel ready. If it takes you some time, don’t feel discouraged. You could shift anytime.

Misinformation

Recently shifting became really popular and misinformation began to spread. There has also been a lot of negativity, either from non-believers, or people who are trying to gatekeep. Shifting is real and there’s even documents that back it up (I might make a post on the explanation behind shifting). It’s best if you stay away from these negative comments because they could affect your process by making you doubt shifting. Some have even spread wrong information on shifting. It’s sad to see that it’s usually shifters themselves who do it to scare new shifters off. 

Also, don’t think of shifting as only “Gen Z trying to get railed by fictional characters”. I mean there’s nothing bad about wanting to get railed by Draco, but shifting has been around for a lot longer and i’m sure it’s also been a practice ammong witches. Many people generalize shifting or don’t take it seriously. Some people shift for their comfort characters, some for the experience, they’re all valid reasons!

...

I hope this introduction to shifting was helpful! I will try to spread only correct information here. I’m always open to suggestions and corrections.

Happy shifting!

[ifbrd]

Not Sugar-Coated, ToBecky Critique from a ToBecky Shipper

Let’s talk about Tobecky and it’s toxicity! And for once, let’s not hold back! I think what I’m gonna do for this post is focus on the dynamic they have in the show, mostly criticizing my own misogyny but calling out the fandom in general as well, as I’ve seen other’s do these same things. Later I will reblog it on the Word Up blog and continue my thoughts on the ship and how it affected Word Up.

The first thing I will say is that I am a Tobecky shipper, ever since Tobey’s first shorts when it was revealed he had a crush on WordGirl. I started watching this show as a kid, I would have been 9 or 10 when it started airing on PBS. If I were to get into this show today, however, I don’t think I would be shipping tobecky, because as an adult I can recognize its toxicity which I didn’t have the proper knowledge or understanding to do back in the day. And I think the real reason I still ship today is purely nostalgic. Though I won’t deny that their dynamic is interesting and that likely affects my shipping brain too.

As a kid, I think I shipped it because, well it seemed inevitable. It seemed like the only endgame option. How many romcoms start with a girl liking one boy, only to realize later she should be with a different guy, usually an underdog the audience is supposed to root for. How many romance stories start with the two not liking each other, ranging anywhere from minor annoyances for each other to full-blown enemies, only to later understand it was all a guise to hide their true feelings. It seemed obvious that Becky/WordGirl would end up with not Scoops, whom she had a crush on, but instead Tobey, the underdog she always was fighting or arguing with. Factor in Tobey’s crush, my very underdeveloped ability to think critically, and the fact that the writers in early seasons seemed to really take the time to focus on the potential chemistry between these two (their interactions in “Department Store Tobey” and both of them having a good time together in “Have You Seen the Remote?” etc) and it seemed there was only one boy for Becky to logically end up with.

The first time I can recall really questioning this ship, I mean really questioning it, was sometime in probably my sophomore or freshman year? Maybe my junior year? I recall my health teacher teaching us about healthy vs unhealthy relationships. In this unit, I realized several of my favorite ships across various fandoms were unhealthy but that’s a whole other topic. At one point I remember him giving his two cents about the phrase “opposites attract” when being applied to romance. He said this can be true, but only if the two are “opposites” in personality, and not “opposites” in values. If a couple’s values, their morals, don’t align, they probably aren’t going to make it. And in all honesty, I think Tobey and Becky have the worst possible combination for this.

They have very similar personalities, and while this isn’t necessarily a bad thing, it can make it easier for them to encourage their negative traits instead of helping them overcome them. The traits they both share like pridefulness, attention-seeking, and being a bit obsessive, have the potential to be the traits they bring out in each other. The best counter-argument for this is the fact that Becky is willing to and would call Tobey out for everything wrong or ridiculous he does, and try to help him. But that doesn’t matter if Tobey is not willing to listen to her when she calls him out, or accept her help when she offers it and he needs it. And it’s especially worthless if he’s not willing to help her back.

Meanwhile, the biggest weakness for this ship is their opposite values. Their morals couldn’t be more apart from each other. Get these two together for long periods of time and a morality war would easily ensue. And then combined with if their similar personalities do end up bringing the worst in each other, then any relationship they could have would be disastrous.

The worst issues with their pairing all go back to Tobey. I love Tobey as a character, don’t get me wrong, but we need to be honest, and please excuse the language--Tobey is a piece of shit! He is disrespectful to everyone around him, except his mother, and that’s only because he’s scared of her He thinks he’s better than everyone else and has no issues expressing that opinion, even going as far as to try to define words for WordGirl. He goes as far as to belittle her in “Tobey or Consequences” criticizing her word choice. He has been shown on multiple occasions to lose his mind when he doesn’t get exactly what he wants and will do anything to get it, without regard for others’ property, feelings or safety. He’s manipulative as seen in “Tobey Goes Good” and “Have You Seen the Remote.” He’s unwilling to take responsibility for his actions, as demonstrated when he attacks the candy factory for making candy because he got a cavity, instead of realizing that he should have taken better care of his teeth.

And worst of all, despite what he and the audience often believe, he clearly doesn’t give a single shit about WordGirl. If he cared about her he would have acknowledged her disinterest, if he cared about her, he wouldn’t have tried to force Becky into admitting she’s WordGirl in “By Jove, You’ve Wrecked My Robot.” If he cared about her, he wouldn’t have pretended to be good or trick her into spending time with him or forced her to read poems about him. In the Halloween special he thought Violet was WordGirl just because she was wearing a WordGirl costume, failing to acknowledge that Violet is blonde and white and WordGirl is clearly not.

The episode “WordBot” makes it very clear what kind of relationship Tobey wants from WordGirl--and it’s not a relationship. It’s a dynamic where she simply showers him with never-ending adoration and does whatever he wants. Tobey cares about one person and one person only and it’s not WordGirl, it’s himself.

And I’m not even counting “Go Gadget Go” in any of this! That episode put him in such a bad light that most fans pretend it doesn’t exist because his behavior is so inexcusable. And yet even without that episode, we have plenty of toxicity coming from Tobey’s end.

I once saw someone say they hate the tobecky ship because the argument for it often is that Becky will be willing to put up with Tobey when they’re older. First of all, if that’s your argument in tobecky’s favor you need to go take a good hard look at yourself. Becky putting up with Tobey’s messed up behavior is essentially hoping she ends up in a horrible, toxic, unhealthy, relationship that would be borderline abusive if she didn’t stand against him. Secondly, while I don’t deny the existence of this argument, (I once read a fanfic where the two were married but still a hero and villain who battled regularly) I disagree with the idea that this argument is most often used to justify the ship. Instead, the most common argument to justify it is the idea that Tobey has it in him to change. This is certainly a better argument, as Tobey changing is really the only hope for this ship.

But I think it’s really easy for us, myself included, to struggle with the line between finding evidence that Tobey could change vs excusing his actions; the line between finding an explanation for his behavior vs finding an excuse for him. It’s a very easy line to accidentally cross without realizing it. And it really says something when, as discussed in another post, we are not giving other villains like Victoria--who have more of an “excuse” --the same treatment. It’s incredibly misogynistic.

I’m not going to try to argue that Tobey doesn’t have the capability to be good, of course, he does. We can see this in the cute note he leaves in Becky’s backpack in “Trustworthy Tobey” and in the very last moments in the Thanksgiving special, and of course in our favorite example, “It’s Your Party and I’ll Cry if I Want to.” I’m also not saying that Tobey’s actions and psychology aren’t the product of the environment and circumstances he faces daily. Of course having no father figure present, a single mother who is always working, and no friends is going to affect a child. What I want to question is when is Tobey responsible for his own life, choices, and actions? Maybe not now at age 10-11, but what about when he’s 13? 16? 18? 21? 40? Where do we draw that line? I also don’t want to discourage looking for the good in people and characters and thinking critically about how their past and psychology is affecting their actions. I want to encourage that in all characters, not just the boy who happens to have a crush.

And while it’s nice to speculate that Tobey will follow a better path in the future, not so much for tobecky as much as for the betterment of Tobey himself, we need to realize that it’s just speculation. We have no canon proof of where his story goes post-WordGirl. He has his moments of hope but overall this kid has a terrible track record. When it comes to others, Tobey makes terrible choices. And that’s exactly what “going good” will be--a choice--his choice.

I also want to take a moment to talk about something @fromtheplanethexagon said in this amazing post you should totally read because it’s great. They commented on how very few people when writing tobecky fanfics takes the time to explore her perspective of their feelings for each other. Where her feelings originate and why she would like him. This is something I am absolutely guilty of and will be paying attention to in the future. After reading that passage from their post I thought for a while why Becky would like Tobey, and I honestly struggled with it a bit, which shouldn’t be happening if I’m trying to write a healthy tobecky story. That’s all I’ll say on this for now because beyond this I would use Word Up as an example, so I’ll save that for later.

The older I get the more I realized how toxic this ship is. Heck, who knows what I’ll realize about it in the future when I’m even more mature. In the past I’ve tried to convince myself it’s okay I ship it because I never shipped Tobey with WordGirl, I shipped him with Becky. I know they are the same person, but Tobey doesn’t know that, and the dynamics between him and each of her egos are very different. The dynamic between Tobey and WordGirl reminds me of Gideon and Mabel from Gravity Falls. Meanwhile the one between Tobey and Becky reminds me more of the one between Jimmy and Cindy from The Adventures of Jimmy Neutron. That’s better right? Even if just a little bit? Well no, not really, because we all know darn well if Tobey fell for Becky instead of WordGirl he would treat Becky exactly the same as he treats WordGirl. He would ultimately have the same “WordBot esc” expectations. If anything he might try to treat her worse. With WordGirl there is a clear power balance, and while it’s still technically there with Becky, Tobey doesn’t know it’s still there and might try to use that to his advantage.

And to conclude I’d like to add to @fromtheplanethexagon above-mentioned post (here’s the link again, seriously, read it!). Regarding their final thoughts that it’s fine to explore the ship, and it’s fine to explore the unhealthy parts of the ship. But we need to be careful to not glorify the toxicity of the potential pairing.

[bondsmagii]

“irt your questions abt anon hate: when I was ~13 and first on tumblr, I sent what could be considered anon hate pretty often. After a lot of growth and introspection, I think it was because I'm so anxious and conflict avoidant irl. I could vent all my bottled up rage without feeling personally responsible”

I had a similar experience but with fanfiction, I’m a very conflict avoidant and shy person irl so on fanfiction and archive of our own I could use anonymous to express all the positive and (most often) negative feelings I had towards the way a certain author wrote their story, but that was a double edged sword because when an author got let down by my negative comment I myself felt very bad for even posting negativity on the internet.

So most ended up being a lose-lose situation.

And when I first joined tumblr (I’m not sure if this counts as trolling) I sometimes ended up asking people’s questions about their thought and feelings on certain media (on anonymous of course) just so I could start a conversation about an interest/show I liked without actually having to reveal my internet persona because to them because I get shy even on the internet.

And even now, I’m not sure why I’m telling your this, you can consider this ask a vent post, thanks a lot for reading!

Adding a little to the last ask, the few last times I’ve done that sort of thing through anon, I’ve always have clarified that what I’m saying was just my personal opinion and I try to always also add positive and compliments on my comments just so my comments doesn’t sound so negative. This was mostly due to how the first time I did this (it’s a complicated situation but I have the capacity of recognizing that I was in the wrong here, I would had been able to admit to it back then) the author really did got discouraged by comments and then I didb't has rhe xapaxirt of admirrinf i was wronf in tjat situaruin,

[not sure what went wrong here, anon! I'm getting 'I didn't have the [something] of admitting I was wrong in that situation', but I'm not sure what that missing word is.]

i've been thinking about dm that person and trying to apologize and even drawing them something as an apology of our mutual fandom. they never blocked me or anything, but i still feel very bad about that situation after all those years. Should I try to contact them and apologize properly?

regarding the first part of your message, I think that while some of that was perhaps in poor taste, I don't think it was hate, as such. certainly talking to people on anon about their interests because you're too shy to message them off anon isn't trolling, and so long as you were polite, I don't personally see anything wrong with that. if you were baiting, which is to say sending loaded asks already with a "correct" answer in mind, in the hope that you or others could attack the person if they gave the wrong response, that would definitely be something closer to hate. but as it stands, I don't think what you were doing on Tumblr counts.

when it comes to fanfiction, while I wouldn't call that hate either (unless, of course, you were name-calling or dropping personal insults or being particularly cruel) I am rather fascinated by the thought process. constructive criticism is one thing, so if that's what you were doing fair enough, but if you were being really negative about it I guess I'm just curious as to why you felt the need to say anything at all. you said you were conflict-avoidant, but it seems that by sending these comments in the first place, you were creating the only conflict there. I suppose I'm just wondering what the thought process is behind it: you could have clicked out and ignored it and had zero conflict, yet you were absolutely possessed by the need to say something. I do think this has something to do with why people send real hate, too, like the proper vitriolic stuff, so I'm curious as to what the thinking is there. does the frustration just boil over until you have to say something?

as for your second ask, I'm honestly not sure. it depends on a few things. were you seriously, uncharitably in the wrong, or just mistaken/making your conclusions based on what you knew and who you were then? were you really hurtful and/or insulting, or just a little rude? if it was several years ago, and you were just a little aggressive and rude, I doubt the person even remembers. if you were particularly nasty, though, it might be worth apologising -- even if they still don't remember, it sends a good message, and is encouraging for people to see. I know I'm always very impressed when I see anons on this website apologising, either to myself or others, because it's rare to see that kind of maturity on the internet. usually people argue and ragequit, or argue and double down. rarely does somebody go away and then come back and admit they were out of line. ultimately it's up to you -- sometimes it's best not to rock the boat at all -- but I certainly wouldn't think it was out of line if an anon from several years ago messages me to apologise. I might be surprised, or a little awkward because I might not remember the event in question, but overall I would appreciate the sentiment.