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mbti-notes · 7 months

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Anon wrote: Hello! I've been following you for a while and you've given really good insights about types (I was quite blown by the way you've been able to read into INFJ's shame and what not. It was really cool to read.)

Anyway, I am an ENTP and recently I've realized that my sense of empathy is rather odd…I am able to understand others, I can predict how certain things may affect others emotionally within logic, however my sense of empathy never truly reaches me. I know it sounds a little weird, but truly I find so hard to be moved by things that often move others, or to care beyond the basic courtesy. I can understand how and why someone feels in x way, however said empathy often comes from logic more than actually feeling in the shoes of others.

At the same time, I take my sweet time when it comes to understand my own feelings. Like, I can experience something that leaves me feeling weird and take a whole day, nap included, just to realize I'm kinda angry or sad or surprised. This inability to guide myself through my own feelings or even experience what others experience has caused me some troubles through the years, because of course, despite being able to read others, one is bound to fail or misunderstand at some point.

From running my mouth, having bad timing, to doing hurtful stuff that in my view were not hurtful at that moment (because I somehow reached the wrong conclusion in my attempt for empathy) I often find myself a little on the sideway when it comes to feelings of vulnerability, to the point I even end up pushing myself through stuff that makes me uncomfortable after I failed to understand I was weirded out on time; or even the opposite when I end up stating that I am really angry just to realize I didn't even cared that much.

The fact that I am a woman and people tend to expect women to be more sympathetic doesn't help either, so it's not rare for a group of people who knows me superficially to think that I am too reactionary/intimidating/out of reach/aggresive/harsh when in fact most of the time I'm trying to be friendly and outspoken, all while my inner circle define me as very lighthearted and even motherly. And, keep in mind, I am actually very adjusted socially, quite functional. I'm the type of person who will push through depression and very bad scenarios out of will which has been incredibly useful in dark times, but again I wonder if it was less will and more me not being vulnerable at all.

So, do you think this is some kind of failing in my Fe? Is this something that happens often to ENTP's or maybe I should check on other things like mental health etc? Do you have tips that could help me being more understanding of my own feelings? (Thank you before hand!)

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Generally speaking, the focus of therapeutic psychology is mainly on the individual. Behavior is labelled "problematic" when it causes pain and suffering and negatively impacts one's ability to live life in the manner one aspires to. It is a self-evaluation. Since you claim to be functional in daily life, there is no reason to believe that you have any mental health problem or disorder.

However, abnormal psychology is but one of many perspectives through which to understand the human mind. E.g. What about highly functional yet existentially unhappy people? What about people who live a comfortable life but still yearn? What about people skilled at brushing aside issues to keep moving forward in life?

These people might not suffer from any serious mental disorder, but that doesn't mean there isn't enormous room for improvement. The subfield of psychoanalytic psychology helps people get to know themselves more deeply. The subfield of humanistic psychology helps people understand and fulfill their needs better. The subfield of positive psychology was created to tackle subjects like: how to live a better quality of life; how to flourish and thrive; how to realize greater potential.

You've described a psychological "issue" that you struggle with at times, but not to the extent that it poses a serious problem. Whether this issue is common for ENTPs with tertiary Fe is not the right question to ask. If I say "yes", then what? If I say "no", then what? Unless your behavior is very harmful, it's not for me or anyone else to tell you that there's something "wrong" with you. I don't want to play the role of judge and jury.

The question boils down to: What, if anything, do YOU want to do about this issue? The motivation to change shouldn't come from me saying that there's something "wrong" with you, as though I'm your parent. You should have some kind of intrinsic motivation, stemming from deep within your own soul, to improve yourself and your life. Unfortunately, without this intrinsic motivation, many people end up choosing unhealthy paths to self-improvement.

From your description, you have the capability to be emotionally aware and empathetic. However, "capability" is different than "ability". A capability is something you can potentially do but perhaps lack the knowledge or skill or will to do well. An ability is what you possess after you've put in the necessary hard work to learn the knowledge and skill required to do something well.

Of course, there are certain capabilities that are harder to develop for some people than others due to genetic predisposition. But this shouldn't be a barrier for anyone seeking personal growth for the right reasons. When you have the right intrinsic motivation, you understand that self-improvement isn't about being "the best" but about being a better you.

At any point in life, you get to choose to be a better you by turning your capabilities into abilities, by realizing more of your potential. To be clear, there's nothing "wrong" with refusing to. However, when you refuse, are you making the choice consciously, fully aware of the implications? Refusing essentially means you will never truly know that aspect of yourself nor see its benefits. And then you are likely to feel a strange "hole" in your existence, as though part of you is missing.

How does this relate to tertiary Fe? Generally speaking, people have plenty of capability or latent potential with the tertiary function. However, to develop latent potential and learn how to use the tertiary optimally requires a lot of difficult self-work. Why is the tertiary difficult to develop? Two main reasons:

1) It can only come after sufficient auxiliary development, which is hard enough. It sounds like your grasp of Ti is average at best, perhaps immature but not unhealthy. You use Ti in its most basic form to understand and solve problems, including human problems. However, it seems you haven't yet learned how to use it optimally to turn your capabilities into abilities.

2) People often don't understand the true value of the tertiary function and perhaps even unconsciously resist developing it in the right way. Most people use it merely as a tool to gain some egotistical advantage but then discard it whenever it becomes inconvenient. Does this not encapsulate your relationship to emotional life?

Chasing the good aspects while rejecting the bad means you don't have a full appreciation of the function. If you care about Fe, which includes having a healthier relationship to your emotional life, then you must learn to appreciate its true value and WANT it. Nobody can convince you or force you to develop a function that you overlook, ignore, or disdain as it suits you.

Gender may or may not play a role depending on how you choose to react to societal expectations. Rebellion against gender norms is sometimes necessary to promote fairness and equality, but it can also work against you, if you just end up resisting or rejecting things that are good for your personal growth.

As explained in the guide, type development is about improving your self-awareness, with the implication being that knowing yourself better allows you to make better judgments and decisions in life. It is entirely your decision as to whether you're going to: stop devaluing Fe; become more aware of its role in your psychology; accept and embrace its presence with both its positive and negative aspects; and fully integrate it into your way of being.

If you choose to take your personal growth in this direction, your emotional awareness will certainly improve which in turn will help improve your empathy for others. I've explained before that empathy requires both the cognitive and emotional components to work at its best. So far, you have favored the cognitive (as it relates to Ti) and been resistant to the emotional (as it relates to Fe). Rectifying this imbalance requires proper auxiliary and tertiary development, such that they complement rather than interfere with each other.

I've already written about emotional intelligence and recommended books that provide advice for self-improvement. The tools already exist, so it is a matter of study and practice. You say you want to be more understanding of your feelings but then your actual behavior toward feelings suggests otherwise.

For example, instead of being patient and vulnerable and listening to feelings in order to become more aware of them, you treat them as alien or as a nuisance, unwilling to take full responsibility for them. In terms of type development, it is this kind of ambivalence that keeps people stuck in a rut.

In short, is your question really about whether you "can" do it, or is it really about whether you have enough will to change and grow? Until this is clarified, your true purpose remains muddled, and that will continually limit and slow your progress.

#entp #auxiliary ti #tertiary fe #tertiary #emotional intelligence #empathy #capability #ability #ambivalence #development #growth #intrinsic motivation #ask

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toinfinitywinning · 8 months

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this is get to know you time. the cringy name game at every camp in the world you do with toilet paper. enough.

Conversations and thoughts resembling the same level of random and incongruence of my Apple Music library. like Josh Groban is to Eminem: Mercy Me. a lot about everything that’s not a hashtag bc it just needs more attention.

Let the first (post) be first:

Hi. I’ve never done this before (like a seriously grown up blog on purpose. Just when just followed sad somewhat desperate poetry with a random live-laugh-love meme in there somewhere.) and Pitch Perfect.

BUT.

For 2 years I’ve had Long-Haul COVID. It’s a different kind of lonely

Thanks so much, amirite? —Gen-Z apologies if I didn’t use that jumbled acronym-word correctly.

It’s hard to keep up.

See? What am I talking about now and how did I get there…

Due to a very common symptom of LHC…

Again—hard to keep up. It’s there. Tho

And I have a lot of quirk so it’s possible I think you’ll “get” but are just nice not to tell me

BUT.

It’s already gone. Train left the Station yesterday.

Slipped on a penny.

Not Good. not even funny.

Teens with the gorgeous graffiti have to Go elsewhere. I’ve always been jealous of that kind talent.

Whole lot better than something else shiny thrown on the track and it’s derailed. There’s at least some innocence in a paint can.

WOW.

I have major attention and Brain Fog hurdles to conquer or shortly bypass. You might not be able to tell b/c of how My writing jumps around so infrequently.

Not true but still easier.

Mostly innocent and playful.

Sadly the attention part is this many years young.

Writing comes naturally. As it always has, strangely...

And why is healing so exhausting? Writing is therapeutic but My body says—can you not?

i know im not the only one asking that!

As if I have time for that too.

find a community of people suffering just as similarly and gain strength, tips and tricks.

Just, speak-screen edit my writing for me. Maybe a clarification fact-✔.

Just not wherever Tr*mp gets his.

Could be Truth Social. Monthly fee tho will cost you your Red Hat.

MYGAbad

Speaking I struggle with processing w/e skills I must have held onto.

BUT.

Since 2 years is quite. some. time.—I’ve shared many struggles and victories.

Like a Bell curve. Or a punk Domino falling then lining them up takes longer just to go down again in half the time. Repeat.

It’s very likely I Will try to talk about many things at once.

I really can’t help that. LOL.

Jury’s still out but I get most of my writing and miscellaneous musings from mom.

Dad can write the best, longest, and precious prayers and notes.

Almost delicately but like you KNOW he’s giving you a hug.

A Good mix tape’s paper Version.

Enter Run on sentences. Truly a stream by now.

Although my brain muscle is weak I’ve been encouraged by several people to Start a blog. Someday I’ll include the past 2 years of w/e pics are on other SocMed.

I can’t think of anything worse.

Yea, okay LOL.

Judgment free. Occasionally… like normal doses then have to work through that.

Mostly that’s because I knew nothing about anything before I opened My computer and started sharing My thoughts under zero context ridden or form at all.

More likely as well to offend and piss someone off. Well done you’re now one less friend popular. There’s an App for that tho-tracking people Who don’t like you.

Not sure where I’ll land with this. It may not land you either.

Because like a lot of us. Sometimes you don’t get to talk actually. No Room.

I like routine; that’s out. So it gets dull.

I’ve learned I hadn’t yet given myself the space to see all of things I can do sitting down.

But. By “given” I mean to say that perhaps I didn’t know it was there.

One Good thing I’ve gathered from this Hell.

Hell fresh by the Day! Never frozen.

So at that time and in this case of my life; sitting is fine.

Some of it isn’t too bad. The writing. You will find questionable punctuation. Run on sentences that I was running.

Relevance at all.

All around Confusion…altho connect the dots could have been seen as practice.

Or annoying even. I’d have no words.

I truly don’t set out to be funny. I could never do stand-up or improv. Or act.

Humor forced just takes and receives too much energy that might come off insincere.

Nothing on command.

Like Matt Perry’s brilliant improv wit it just doesn’t hit the same.

B/c it was scripted.

A syllabus for it Imagine.

The horn to jump off the swim block.

It’s when Life feels more scripted a lot of people close up.

That’s because you’re not in charge anymore. I’ve lost the Power.

Don’t prefer caring about whether someone likes me like I used to.

I believe you can snooze me for 30 days or say ‘I’m done w/ her’ and send Me to the cyberarchives.

Okay. Okay.

So—90% of the time I’m witty and sarcastic with a bit of cynicism, discomfort (for you), and pettifogging.

I write primarily about the questions of intersectionality.

How do things fit.

Let’s Fit it.

Until I figured out physics and calculus and basic math were behind a career in architecture and the classes I would have to take, I enjoyed taking things apart to make something else.

Not always pretty.

Could be Good what I took apart was the best thing we can’t see.

Like I’m writing questions but with wisdom not meaning to do that either,

A lot of people don’t like that. You do you! Baby.

I don’t mean to be at all harsh or hurtful. I try not to say that anything vainly.

I say it b/c a lot of what I’m writing is all of every piece of stream of consciousness tallied.

And it was a synapse connecting another.

Maybe that’s the creative part? The other side of My Brain is telling Me to ✔ on the other side so I’m like…crickets.

What I write is stream of consciousness, brutally honest and to some might be lightly offensive. In College writing this Way would’ve absolutely driven Me crazy.

Then life steps in and bonks u on the head with a newspaper but 15 years later returns the favor with an iPhone.

Or too blunt. And comes across as harsh. And that’s mostly because if I don’t have an emoji to match my real-life broken ღ I’m breaking up with you.

Self reflection: impulsive

I used to journal so much growing up.

When did I lose that innocence?

We can’t talk about folding paper into cranes and witchcraft finger fortune games anymore?

No more MASH?

Huh, maybe you weren’t born this Way. Ur Parents just drew circles nearest each other or your apple stem twist broke too soon and you want a partner whose name starts with P.

Very often I overshare. If you’re reading this this is not brand new information. No ability to say things simply. Think I’ve already. That can put me really vulnerable to more bitcoin hacks.

And then you need to figure out what bitcoin is. And whether Mario can collect coins as well in place of the hackers.

I’d say ask Tom Brady b/c of his investments but since retirement he’s been pretty deflated.

Mean people that mean to hurt.

First of all I feel sorry for you. Not in a poor you tho.

People Who hurt on purpose don’t often have any Way to vent or get a rise other than evoke feelings in and deflect toward a schoolmate.

Skip back to the part I tried talking about vulnerability. It truly is the invisible cloak and no one can see you but nothing makes sense still and you’ve only fixed what’s on the outside. Now you’re peeved AND cloaked.

At this conjunction junction next I’d suggest try shopping at Target opposed to Abercrombie then.

Feet in the water right above bankruptcy to see how things could be different only what…if?

Good ♧ seriously.

So there’s more grace given when you fall. When it’s not your month Day or even year!

Nobody is there for you!!

And My cloak is getting rained on.

Maybe gathering strength from falling will come a common sense with a 6th one but with seriously meaningful things I’ve learned and less hard knock’s Life for us.

The hard Way.

The bottom’s still there and it actually stinks stinks. Discouraging b/c there are two sides to the bottom of the cave full of stalagTITES and mites.

All the up’s and down’s. Right there. And the COVID-19 bat OMG!

You know you may not be able to fall any further further but once you’re up again you’re wondering whether you should get some cement to close that thing off.

Choose to live! But welcome to the real world—it sucks—ur gonna Love it.

Almost 4got. In the cave you dont always have to wait for Jesus to be resurrected if that metaphor comforts you but if change comes and it requires a whole new worm can of Life we already can’t handle that gets us outta the dank I don’t think we need to ask permission to the rights of that Bible passage.

BUT.

Until YOU are ready for change...

Forget it. At least you meant well. Someone can guide that horse to water but it stays pretty hydrated, so he says he’s Good. Promise. The only talking animal and it was Me Who got to hear it. More importantly, who’s gonna ☊? Care? There’s a country song finding out Who your Friends are. A lot stay lost and it’s not helpful all our Friends aren’t the same.

Missing a Good chance to find out if you’re in a similar predicament and that not always a bad thing.

At times I have literally had to be lifted off the floor.

I don’t do this at all for pity. As you read, My Pride is the biggest obstacle to let Go.

When you do?

The hard way through this.

I am angry and irritable for bouts. Sometimes I’m silly and invite karma punishments.

Go all Brimstone and every type fire and the Old Testament has nothing New-thinking and no one new to add to it. SMH. Nail a list on the wooden church door reading it is nearing endgame. Or, Just open your hotel drawer and tear out the back half.

So change then— If it were Me and it has been just not an actual hole I’d be outta there due to the spiders and crickets alone. Jiminy’s Cool.

If u can’t change and just stay a novice bunny hill—fine! Stay there. Build some confidence through experience.

And isn’t that another thing? Something specific motivates the fire under your (cuckoo!) and before you’d see the dark without any End of the tunnel and more importantly with the light aspect. All the sudden you care b/c what? It applies to you of course be selfish. Fascinating yet humbling.

Then there’s the ‘Why Me’ (?) phase? Not fully pitiful but just pretentious enough to resume the trailblaze. Bad attitude with a healthy dose of are we there yet and trying to Balance whether someone is saying …’they get it; you always feel bad’ so…KY Basketball banter? Ashamed accompanies too bc thing is a few times I did kind of scoff at phrases like I always feel bad. Like, here’s 2 Extra strength Tylenol.Alright, Ok, come test for Covid 1/29/22. It shouldn’t take going through something to empathize with or change but you could’ve listened for longer with a clear mind. Just cannot wrap your head around it and I think sometimes that’s okay. What’s next I’ll try so hard.

+ It’s 12:01am of 1/29/24 (so last night), you still can’t do math and/or struggle to add or subtract 12 so aren’t entirely sure its your sophomore year orientation, and you already surrender to what you didn’t want to get up for in the first place. Kind of silly u set the alarm! B/c Pain, confusion, Discomfort and a Deep loneliness that has very little to do with people awaits. That whole scenario is a disaster but look who’s standing and GOT. UP. period. 15 years ago that’s where I’d be. Just defeated.

THAT. Is enough some days. I say that to you struggling to believe the same but know Deep down.

Year 2 longhaul and youre wondering why there are anniversaries at all given about half are always sad or tragic. Evoking the worst on what could be the best. Might be something To think 2 minutes ago you’d ended your prayer to have a better Day. Of anything is true about everything happens for a reason I’d say having to chooose how to respond given you have the privilege at all to that just means were normal. B/c ill be honest I would not

I’m angry. WHAT is so complicated about your lack of Faith or belief prayer must go into an encrypted iCloud even the FBI can’t retrieve or interpret. Never had a chance! But I’ll add that it’s worth noting prayer doesn’t deal with its existence in transaction currencies..

Feel less Pain but feel more with it or stronger now. Or, just plain ‘ol numb. Similar to Addiction I suppose people get so used to being healthy one Way or another they don’t even notice better OR worse and no one is getting married.

Truth is.

Yea.

I’m in Hell, but I’m not on a ventilator. I’m not without relentless Support.

I still can smile but laugh just a bit before it hurts.

Something is always worse.

SomeONE is doing worse.

Somewhere and definitely rn.

I never knew I’d be dealing greed of perspective for this Long.

Something you’ll never find out about that changed your life’s trajectory where an explanation would have only confused things.

Then we still have the chance to be astonished and then genuine bc of that. Thankful. Expectant. With Faith somehow. Maybe carrying someone else’s Hope for a while might burden you less for a short time.

You dont need to see eye struggle and suffering. You dont need examples. You just know. There’s a fleeting peace u might not see again for 2 days but in knowing it’s not just you with the same bs going on.

Like here. Here is someone who needs support but in a different Way but how unique it could be to trade just for a bit. It’s not leg day this time remember u agreed a temp trade.

We don’t have to know everything. Most of the time I don’t give God the time to keep up w/ Me let alone do anything miraculous before I just hang up.

Although My Life was headed in a completely renewed direction in so many ways of recovery—

I got sick. Not because it was meant to be.

Because COVID. Possibly a rabid bat. Cracked vile or petri-dish

Everything does not happen for a reason and ppl dont like hearing that bc its an easy out. Says time might go on but this thorn wont ever heal. How do we respond? that’s the most authentic and a strength yes or no wand.

I hate cliché. Thing is tho…I think we all hate it b/c it doesn’t hold us accountable. Eh it’s fine.

Unfortunately we wouldn’t have the pretty, surprise, one of the Walk to Remember walks. All up to the of healing and forgiveness individual to each of us.

If for Me that means ive healed all I can and I’m counting on research to help Me out some more maybe I just keep going. Trust Me nothing is forgotten but you do know now that at least you were strong and capable enough to figure all that at all. And—I can do that. Some days aren’t that kind.

Maybe it becomes a goal we never anticipated but ✔ your resilience at the ticket line and saddle up, honey.this donkey only holds ____ lbs. let some things Go. That thing will still only walk in a circle but you’ve evenly distributed your baggage.

The feeling of pure joy. Which btw does still require a thesaurus b/c it is NOT the same as joy. Like a preventative Med to an acute one.

Then feel Accomplishment.

Not knowing what’s next but trying to be prepared.

It’s a surprise party we never RSVP’d and don’t regret it.

And it’s a Good thing u got outbid for that yacht.

Hell, tho, you won’t be forgotten but pushing helps the donkey move faster for now that is acceptable.

Unshun. Reshun. (This will make sense if you Watch the Office)

Flee fly. Be gone. Thankfully we hope to come out more resilient after the rip and tear and often not fully repaired sewing lessons.

But perhaps the biggest trait I’ve had to work on is My Pride. I want to do it.

I’ll give myself 3 strikes. 4 balls.

Then I walk to First.

Please do not get Me a gift.

I Love you and that was so sweet.

Would I be as generous?

Do u work, yea. It’s just one really hurts more and being tough isn’t tough at all if it’s not helping the worst hurt.

Those are sitting down, timeout thoughts.

The compression socks need to breathe.

But once the Pride slides over, let go, I get to know how it feels to very tangibly be taken care of and watched over.

Patience. The other side of a rant.

Later on that.

My main goal is to learn. Connect. Be called out if something comes off really tasteless.

Laugh at things that don’t have anything to do with being chronically sick. Laugh about what Medicine u had to administer and royally failed.

Sometimes all coupled with a handicap car-tag. No crutches either b/c I don’t like hearing I Will get better. It is a nice statement but it is impossible to be sure. Ive struggled with that b/c I know everyone believes that and means well I’ve just taken prior sick Gentry’s generalization and multiplied.

I am not making light. I think part of me is using the sarcasm as a coping mechanism.

Praise God there is something that does help the pain or at least distract from that Pain just not the one in your legs.

A codependency just a bit less severe. Embarrassing. Reason for judgment. Too easy.

If you can believe it—-I am not the same person I was 2 years ago.

For now I truly don’t know how. Pain can leave, anything traumatic can be worked on. You’ve got your scars.

I actually really think a scar is just unique as a snowflake or fingerprint. Telling so many stories. B/c a scar does mean something has healed. And it never forgets at one time it was painful. I’d prefer to see what I accomplish but I see wonder and beauty in them.

Things get pretty deep, complicated and downright pitifully sad. Vulnerable. Frighteningly true and relevant.

So I take what Good I can get in that day and pray those with LHC (Long-Haul COVID-19)

Be released.

However. On the flip tail’s side.

I’m 35 years aware there are some people who just don’t like me.

Until recently I wouldn’t have meant ‘sorry not sorry.’

I do now. To a respectable extent.

Reader discretion is advised. I promise I never set out to hurt anyone.

definitely not on purpose.

Because. Idgaf. Not bars being held. Que sera, sera.

complete transparency and seriously tho this doesn't mean i dont care. i wear my heart on my sleeve like a ding-dong ready to get hurt.

call it a diversion. we were on a break.

i just might take all of whatever hits wrong and turn that in to whatever ounce of assurance I can with the openness and to the best capability to learn new things and grow with compassion.

And back to writing—may already be just engrained but I don’t ever have a thesis, 3 supporting ideas or a better word then a conclusion.

You might find yourself confused. Reading it again prob won’t help.

Some will be really bad. Ugly. Waste of time. it was at least therapeutic for me.

Already is.

Even more might not make sense.

Read at your own risk, basically.

I have confidence but not really. Just enough not to care to change.

But I think about it. Because I’m wrong a lot.

challenge me. ill try to get through the fog.

But a lot of things have changed. in ways i might not even know Beauty in the Mess.

To sum up the above (sorry, there won’t be another summary after this disclaimer’s commercial intermission.)

I want to be as positive as possible.

Be in control of what I can. Ask for help for what I cannot.

I’m so ready to get My Life back. Trust Me and trust anyone Who tells your theyre in constant pain.

Really embarrassing I used to kind of scoff and be empathetic.

Funny how youre so sure of things.

Until it happens to you.

Suddenly it’s back to the drawing board and humility.

I wear my ღ on my sleeve. My greatest superpower and kryptonite.

What you read is as close to what you get as possible.

Balance can be unfair.

Please know that I care. I try harder than I ever had before. There are things I didn’t even Imagine could happen to someone when sick.

In all the ways I want to come out of this even better than what I envy I was entering into when I got sick.

There will be a WIDE range of thoughts similar to how i write. Mostly Sports and public figures and the politics I can comprehend.

B/c I know there’s someone out there who’s homeless because of this diagnosis. Or was deadly. Fired.

Divorced.

Ive become a bit of a nerd. Childish in some ways b/c you have to be creative…to be creative.

How do I even Start philosophizing that? So I don’t.

So I try My best to be the best I can. Inspire. Elicit laughter and new ways of thinking.

Questions.

Really tho? I just wanna be me.

thank you so sincerly to anything fromn a meme to a gift to a hug a prayer a smile, company, vibes if they can travel

but most of all

for holding hope when ive not been strong enough to.

For better or worse

for loving me.

making me feel heard.

idk what tomorrow holds but if its the same as today ill know at least i can make it and i am still beyond blessed and cared for and loved unconditionally.

even if forever.

wanna feel free, free.

to be me unabandoned.

changed for the better without knowing it.

some people dont have that option.

or even less the resource or safety to write about it.

Lastly mostly—I’m thankful for Insurance and the ability and privilege to work from home. And. Still have a job in general.

A Family and Family reserves holding me.

gentry.gonna.gents/g3

next. and if you made it this far, bless you.

thank you.

you mean more than you know to me. to anyone miscellaneous thanks as well and to my family and extended family and friends and job and insurance.

im in better shape than a lot. perspective sucks in the throes. selfish not selfish but my gosh turn the lights off. each journey is sooo different, but idk find the goodness and inspiration inbtw. There will be a rainbow soon enough, I wont make the bold claim and promise you one tho,

semi lastly and vulnerably, we've all been hurt. all going through something.

I say this every time something really bad happens. Ya know the ‘this is even worse,’ talk.

This one holds every candle.

Funny not funny none are the same and you’re never fully prepared.

and no one knows what it is you’re dealing.

give grace when I can’t sometimes.

cliché’s be damned lets just golden rule it b/c that one’s hard to do too but it sounds cute and Idont see a periodic table saying A! U! Be nice and welcoming.

I know I’ve forgotten something.

So I’ll fight.

But I still get to complain.

Feeling so entitled to this ill.

Sincerely,

Gentry

no ps you're welcome

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pixelatedraindrops · 8 months

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I’m turning anon asks off for a bit.

(small vent below)

I just want to say right now (again) that I am not a kink blog and none of my work is meant to be kink or fetish based. Whatever I draw write or post is based on the sake of my own comfort. Seeing characters, especially my faves sick and being tended to by another is something that makes me happy. It's a therapeutic thing for me to view or create. I explain as much in my pinned post.

So when I got an anon ask that told me I "literally" post fetish content, it REALLY affected me. I am ace and detest nsfw stuff, so for someone to call the work I post that brings me happiness and comfort, fetish work? I was broken, I cried and felt ashamed of what I did. Heck I felt like I wasn’t safe to post it anymore and wanted to stop… Deep down despite the fact that it makes me happy, my illness guilty passion is something I am actually very insecure about. I've only just started being loud and proud about it now. So I'm still kinda fragile about it inside.

Im not sure if that anon was being hateful or was upset and thinking I was hypocritical because I said from now on I don’t want illness kink of fetish blogs following me. But then I thought to myself…maybe that’s going too far. Because I do follow some kink blogs but mostly for liking their art or writing/prompts. I just don’t want people to look at my work and get off on it. That makes me SUPER unsettled.

But yeah that anon made me feel pretty upset for a bit so I think I’m going to turn anon asks off for a while. So far the anons I’ve got were positive and asked nice things. Until that one. That one messed me up.

So if you wanna ask me something, sorry you can’t hide yourself anymore. You gotta say it to my face with your face now.

And to those that enjoy and don’t think that way of my work at all, and to those that tried to cheer me up on the day it happened, sincerely thank you. I’m so happy the fandom I’m a part of is so nice ;w;

Maybe the sick whump community isn’t really where I belong. I’ll just remain a lurker. I am a whumper w fictional characters, I won't deny that. But there are some in the community that I'd rather steer clear of. (just saying if you already have been following me as a kink blog, then you're fine!)

#pixel txt.#personal #vent #may also take a small break from here #i’ll still lurk tho!!

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nighttimenothings · 24 days

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happy evening!

is it evening or morning anymore? who knows.

i’m so grateful you feel well enough after your break to start posting again. i was running out of material to read before bed, without your updates! still, taking care of yourself is more important. i hope you’re able to carve out time for yourself recently, too.

i adore cooking. my partner is long distance or i’d cook for them all the time, if i could! on the rare occasions i see them, i’m always blessed with the chance to make a warm meal. something about cooking for more than one person makes me feel all fuzzy inside. recently i’ve been getting into trying to cook things i never have before. i’d like to try to make dumplings sometime soon, hopefully they taste alright!

as an avid reader myself, i can’t help but offer you queer romance (and otherwise) books (based on what you said you liked). the starless sea by erin morgenstern is perhaps my favorite book ever, and ties into fantasy and queer identity (it is mlm, if that isn’t your preference to read), and is much more spiritual than horny (though there are a few moments!). honey girl by morgan rogers is a very enticing lesbian-oriented book, with some very beautiful writing and a bit of tasteful sex, another one of my favorites. and of course, you can’t have a queer book recommendation list without song of achilles by madeline miller, another mlm historical fiction with a lot of queer identity struggle (this one will make you cry for sure) and greek mythology. overall, i love all three of these books, but if they’re not your thing, i have a plethora of other queer book recommendations!

in these tough times, don’t forget to rest and drink water. be aware of your needs!

- 🎀

good day to you too!!

this ask has been marinating for a while, and again, apologies for my slow slow response time (rip)! i hope you've been keeping well in the meantime.

i've recently moved, so it's been busy and classes have resumed so it's a lot everything happening all at once. i've had a scary amount of time catching up with irl folks though haha.

cooking is actually therapeutic and fun—i get it! and yes, there's something about cooking for another person that makes life feel that much fuller and warmer. what have you been cooking recently? did those dumplings come into fruition??

thank you for the book recs!! i'll be adding those to my list for sure. i've tried to read song of achilles (don't come for me ya'll), but i couldn't get into it...maybe it's because it's mlm, but i think i had some sort of emotional disconnect from their dynamic. but regardless of what i think, i know plenty of people who love it to bits, so all the power to them!!

thank you for your kindness and thoughtfulness—they're very much appreciated in these trying times <3 please stay hydrated and well rested!

#ya'll ask i answer #NN🎀anon #i'm getting around to answer asks i swear #packing and unpacking were a lot #i haven't talked to any online people in ages bc my life has been a garbage fire lmfaoooooo

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angelmichelangelo · 3 months

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hey! not sure if it'll make you feel better, but re: your glass child post, i think you're fully justified in being upset. i've never heard of that term before now (just looked it up), but as someone who could also fit into the glass child category, it's sorta relieving to hear that there's actually a term for it and other people experience it. i know for myself i've repressed a lot of my issues to support the people in my family and still struggle to this day with the guilt of sometimes resenting how i was overlooked in favour of those worse off than me. as me and my friends always say, it's not the suffering olympics! i think it's worthwhile to speak on your own struggles without immediately being accused of undercutting someone else's. anyway, if you ever need someone to chat with, let me know and i'll be happy to come off anon! <3

thank you anon. i was in the same boat, i spent years unaware that there was a term for what i had been going through. everything i did experience lead to me having very severe anxiety as a child and then later, severe ocd simply because as a child, i recognised that certain things were out of my control, and that was kind of the point of the fic - coming to terms that sometimes bad things just happen. there’s nothing you can really do about it and your feelings are valid in feeling bad and upset about that.

im so glad it was able to reach you in that way. it is something that ironically gets overlooked. a specific kind of trauma that doesn’t get recognised and so when you’re not aware of it being a thing, it can make the whole experience even more isolating. im glad that my fic was able to bring you some kind of comfort in that way. we’re never truly alone <3

thank you for such kind words. i just received a particularly nasty anon on the matter that.. ugh. im unfortunately letting get inside my head.

being a glass child took a lot from me. it continues to take from me. that whole fic was a therapeutic experience, something i even mentioned in the authors notes, so for someone to read the entire fic and that and still somehow misinterpreted it and say something so cruel really is hurtful. but your ask does help.

thank you again friend 🫶

#thank you <33 #ask #anon

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raw-law · 4 months

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I forgot to explain when I woke up. It is quite personal, it's faintly based on my parents, the line about the color mostly had to do with my parents not actually knowing anything about me despite when I was 9 or so. I warn suicide for the next part

This is. Also mostly inspired by my thoughts on suicide. It's not as if I'm actually going to do it, but I catch myself thinking about what I would do if I did, where to hang myself, what things I would give my friends and what I would tell them ect. But I am, ultimately, too scared off death and the afterlife to do anything.

The part about hating myself is based on my dad, mostly. He's very vocal about what he thinks they should do Transgender people, which is sending them to mental hospitals and other things. And I think you get the point. I might try doing something similar again (heavy on might).

I feel like I should say thank you? I wasn't expecting compliments, nor do I know how to take them

-☾

ahhh.. a lot of these were what i was thinking when reading the poem, i just didn't know if i'd be correct.

i can certainly understand all of those thoughts. i'm sorry you have to deal with them at all. but i am glad you were able to turn it into something like this instead of acting on any of them. and i'm honored that you were willing to share something so personal too. it really did make a nice poem.

i know you said "heavy on might" and everything, but i really do suggest writing more if the last one helped you. i know it at least helps me explain most of my emotions, and it could probably even give you some ideas for other non-poetry writings, like those characters you've shared. use it as like... brainstorming, maybe? if that makes sense.

either way, the more you write, the greater the possibility of making some really beautiful things. oh and, get used to compliments. i like art, i like analyzing art, and i'll be damned if i have to sit and witness an artist quit doing what they enjoy because they didn't get the analyses they deserved.

Light:

Oh, that's indeed interesting! And I can see it now...it wasn't quite what I had in mind, but now that I know, it makes a lot of sense.

First of all, thank you so much for sharing something so personal with both of us, and the rest who'll be seeing this. I want you to know that I really, really appreciate your trust in us. Thanks for that. It definitely isn't easy.

Secondly...I am very sorry that you had to go through that. No-one deserves something so terrible to happen to them. Just know there is absolutely nothing wrong with being trans, though some people might try to convince you otherwise. You are who you are, and other people don't get to have a say in that (unless what you're doing damages society, which it definitely does not in your case). Hang in there; I promise you'll find your people, people who truly love and support you no matter what, one day.

And you should keep writing! It really does help with coping with things in your life, and it feels very therapeutic to just get it all out on the page, doesn't it? It's a wonderful hobby to foster; it'll follow you a lifetime.

Anyways, you don't need to 'know' how to receive our compliments. Just know that we love your work. Happy writing, and have a great day!

#fictive #l lawliet #light yagami #death note #ask blog #dn #tw: suicide mention

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viharistenno · 10 months

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Hey, I'm super tired right now and can't decide which of the unpublished fic asks I wanna ask most, so I'm gonna give full rein to you and say, answer the ask you like best about the WIP you like best! (Hoping for W13 but even if not, I'd like to hear about your writing!)

My dear Friend, have I got news for you. You asked for WH13 and I will give it to you. It's gonna be personal, but I am totally okay with sharing it when people ask, as all my writing is really personal for me in the end and I love all of them.

It was 6 and a half years ago, in April, 2017. An idea of a scene bugged me to death, my mind said THERE IS NO WAY Myka saw coffee in that dreamlike state with the red light in Buried. It had to be Helena somehow. That was the base. What made me actually start it (as always) was a feeling. At that time I was in a relationship for ~5 years and felt the wobble. I tried every thing I could think of at that time but in a lot of sense I was young and inexperienced. This was my therapeutic wishful thinking fic where I sort of made her Helena at the end of Instinct and wrote down what I wanted her to do and/or say. I did not expect I'll actually predict part of the situation but here we are (whoops). So on a sunny April afternnon I sat down and wrote 6 pages in 2 hours which is I think my all time record still. I would have written more but I had to go for a meeting. Later I wrote some more in the coming days / weeks, I got somewhere around 7k words but I think I only wrote the scene which I thought about a lot later (I do have it, I checked now!). 7 months later we broke up and against my hopes she never found her way back to me. She is better at moving on than I am and when she go together with a guy, I was devastated and even left tumblr and writing for a while. (But not before I wrote the prequel because I am very dramatique and I honestly love this about myself.)

I came back though but my relationship with B&W in reading and especially writing is only starting to recover (hence my decision to participate in the advent) but I do love the people in this fandom.

I have 10 119 words written, the longest I ever had in one fic and I had an idea about a plot that was just forming and I am so sad I wasn't able to write it down but for years it was too close and then at one point it became too distant. I think if I get myself to rewatch WH13 I might be able to continue it but I am gathering the strenght for that :) I think if I ever continue I'll post it in parts where stuff is resolved at that moment and when I finish another plot point I' upload those again. I wanted Helena to start sorting some stuff out with Myka before I throw them in some seriously angsty (but it would be fun too, cause it's me) Warehouse shenanigans and I didn't exactly get there yet.

I hope this satisfies some of your curiosity, I honestly feel I wanted to talk about it so thanks for "making me" :)

#ask #unfinished business #WIPs #answered #Bering and Wells #personal

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docholligay · 8 months

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Episode 2.1: Lottie

Hello! This is about up to Season 2, Episode 1 of Yellowjackets, and ONLY that of Yellowjackets. I have not seen beyond this spot, at all, and know NOTHING about this show. Please do not spoil it for me. Things that are spoilery in nature, for me, include: saying things like “Just wait!!” confirming or denying anything I put forward, outside information about the cast interviews or creator statements, leading questions like “Do you think “blank moment” means anything?” etc. Remember that Y’ALL HAVE SEEN THE SHOW AND I HAVE NOT. This informs the way you talk about things relating to the show. Just be really careful is all I’m asking. Also: If there is LITERALLY any stance I could take on this show or character that would make you upset, please just fucking block the tag

If you WOULD like to discuss the show and my takes on it, the Discord is right here! I don’t go there, so it’s a great place to get every emotion out.

Please thank @sailorsunspot and @moonlight-frittata for backing this odd way of doing a liveblog, and remember my tip jar is always open

Here’s a non-helpful, non-analytical observation: I do not like Lottie. She’s a grifter who believes her own grift, and while I suppose that should give her some slack with me, all it does is make me think of a Charismatic Christian preacher. Because that’s what she is! I’m using this in the theological sense, not in a “Christian with an inspirational leadership style” sense. And I’m giving her all the good faith i would someone controlling what the group does and says under the banner of Heaven.

ANYWAY LOTTIE’S RUNNING A CULT I GUESS. Again, much like Shauna eating Jackie’s ear, this is not something that shocks me all that much. Lottie believes she is God’s favorite, and she sort of is, because she is willing to give the wilderness what it wants. I really, really, really hope they have a good answer for why the wilderness let them go, because if they don’t, having established SO SO HARD that it is nature, it is this place, that’s not letting them go (physically. They never leave mentally. This is why Lottie is up to the same damn shit) there has to be a realy fucking good reason it relents. And one of the ideas I floated only to myself was that Lottie was going to destroy herself to free them, befcause whatever this thing is has such a hold on her. Clearly this is incorrect, which I’m not mad about, I just have a concern about this plot point.

I’m fascinated by the the way Lottie uses basic therapeutic techniques to be made out to be this sort of godlike entity. I’m not being a hater! I think if no one has ever considered the healing power of taking a fucking breath, it can be that way. Congratulations, your time in therapy was helpful.

Also I disagree so so much about there not being false hope. I also want Lottie to say a lot fucking less. I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM NAT BUT HERE WE ARE. (also: I have a message for you from Travis. Master manipulation. Is it true? Doesn’t actually matter)

And, like being in a religious cult, no one can say anything against her in the wild. Lottie is their leader now, they abandoned to the cold, pretty literally, the leader who worked in the 90s in teen New Jersey for the mystic, and what does that say about the rationality of people? I mean, Taissa thinks Lottie is out of her fucking mind and is the only one brave enough to say so, but its pointing out the backside of, ‘We all have to stick together”. Which is that we all have to stick together. If you get too proud, you’ll die.

Being in the cabin right now is basically being in fucking Puritan Massachusetts in the winter. Maybe less survivable. HOPE YOU’RE ON BOARD WITH ALL THIS WEIRD GOD SHIT.

Actually, going back to both my “I expected Lottie to sacrifice herself to save everyone” and also “The idea of trauma as an anointment,” so, Lottie has that scar on her forehead from the crash, and the look of it, the style of it, is very much in keeping with a traditional anointment with oil, in a number of religious communities. So by the crash itself, Lottie was chosen. Did the wilderness maybe even bring the plane down? She has been chosen by God, and she communicates with God, and God communicates with her. She is visibility the anointed one. Great, okay, so, what if, then, i’m not wrong about Lottie sacrificing herself? But what if that sacrifice was giving up her body in a way that I hadn’t imagined, of letting a God come into her body? This might be the “I love a possession narrative” talking, but what if it let them walk out because it got to walk out?

This would explain other than Lottie’s just being crazy, why she doesn’t speak at first, why she just wanders around the house. It would also explain why Lottie now has a cult in the middle of the woods, near a lake. Going home, of sorts. I don’t know, this is just an idea I’m floating.

#Doc watches Yellowjackets #Yellowjackets S2 E1

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faydingrain · 10 months

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20 Questions for Fic Writers Game

Got tagged again by @caelumsnuff! Thank you for the taggeroony toony~

I've never spoken to them before, but I see them around a lot and happen to know they have a tumblr, so I tag @aroseandacross if you want to do this! And anyone else that stumbles across it, I tag you too! :p

1 - How many works do you have on AO3?

37...oh wow

2 - What's your total AO3 word count?

147,476?! Good night!

3 - What fandoms do you write for?

Redacted Audio, Owari no Seraph, Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle, Funamusea Universe, Hollow_ VA, Tokyo Ghoul, and D.Gray-Man by technicality though that oneshot isn't done or posted yet, lol. The ones I write for on the regular honestly vary depending on my mood and current devotion to the series, including the possible spite I feel towards that series, lmao. There are way more brief fic sparks I get for other series, but just never get the inspiration to go through with and end up forgetting.

4 - What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

5: A Quiet, Peaceful Night 4: Vice Versa 3: A Little Help from P[izza]-chan (which literally rose to my top 3 practically overnight because the Guy fans escaped containment I guess, lmfao) 2: Branch, Like a Tree 1: Yours in Eternity, My Dearest All for Redacted Audio

5 - Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

Yes! I love giving love back to the love I recieve! Admittedly though, the only comments I haven't responded to seemed more like musing aloud, and I genuinely wasn't sure how to respond, lol. Now I feel like it's too late, so I feel awkward trying to respond now, but I feel bad not doing so all the same....

6 - What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Probably Inversion: Another Story considering all the death and bad things it leaves off on, lol.

7 -What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

To Date a Vampire, though it's more like...reader-self-insert-y I guess? But is basically pure fluff, lol.

8 - Do you get hate on fics?

Not yet! I expected to get more hate for how many OC and OC/Canon fics I write, but my fics don't tend to garner much attention over all anyways I think, so it can't reach the loud haters, lol.

9 - Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope!! I hate writing smut, I don't like reading smut that much either. I'm a fade-to-black type writer. The closest thing I'll get to writing smut is maybe writing brief instances of the off-screen smut, and there'll be a graphic sexual assault scene later in EIC (y'know, for the therapeutic aspect).

10 - Do you write crossovers?

...Technically? Lmfao. Though unfinished, Our Solemn Hour is a crossover with Tsubasa and X/1999, with many of the X characters appearing in it mostly as cameos. Embers of an Iridescent Cage is maybe a crossover between stories? Though, Decem: Anges et Demons does exist now. Burning Wings is a crossover-ish with characters from Tsubasa in a setting inspired by The Last of Us, though I didn't crosstag it in the latter fandom since the only similarity is literally just the setting. And that's all.

11 - Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I better fucking not. (No one wants my trash lmfao.)

12 - Have you ever had a fic translated?

No, but that would actually be incredible if it happened.

13 - Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I am a selfish, haughty bastard and I need full reign over my stories, lmfao. Unless the other person was a similar writer with very similar ideas to me, it would never work. (Plus...I write about my FCs so often, so, lol. I personally find it very difficult to write stories about characters that aren't my own, hence the large volume of OC fic.)

14 - What's your all time favorite ship?

That's a great question. (It honestly varies depending on my mood. Mostly OC/Canon ships probably. I do still adore SuzuFeri.)

15 - What's a WIP that you want to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Don't make me call myself out like this-

16 - What are your writing strengths?

Hell, I don't know...I've been told I'm humorous

17 - What are your writing weaknesses?

I've been told I'm bad at making characters not suffer, lmfaooo

18 - Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I mean, if you know the language or do your research, go for it! Maybe add a footnote mentioning what was said for non-speakers if it wasn't brought up in the fic? (I don't personally ever plan for this myself for fics, but it is a small thing I plan on doing research for in my novel series, and I feel the same about original work too.)

19 - First fandom you wrote for?

OKAY SO, I think my actual first fanfic ever was a Kingdom Hearts fanfic, but the first one I posted on ao3 was for Owari no Seraph.

20 - Favorite fic you've written?

Probably Yours in Eternity, My Dearest!! I'm not saying Kalila is totally 100% a self-insert, but I mayyyy or may not have written that series just because I want to feel like Will was writing fancy love letters to me 💕

#nyssa rambles #tag game #writers on tumblr #fanfic ask game #Funamusea #Tsubasa: Reservoir Chronicle #Redacted Audio #Owari no Seraph #only tagging fandoms I'm actively writing for #...actively-ish #one day I kinda want to rewrite/edit my old Tsubasa fics for some contests years ago and post them on ao3

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danpuff-ao3 · 2 years

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More Adventures in Bookbinding

My Aries Mercury + Mars really does a gal no favors

Being both a perfectionist but also stubborn + impulsive?? A nightmare.

Following instructions is wise but why be wise when you just know you can figure it out?

Many faux leather sheets and much glue was lost to the cause

I stabbed my finger with my utility knife because of course I did

Eddie was like "yeah I was worried about getting that for you."

(Sir, I am GRACEFUL, DELICATE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU KNEW --)

Measuring stuff is the worst, but that's because my brain really hates numbers. The actual math portion is Big Suck. Thank god for Google home who can answer all of my questions when I'm sitting in the middle of chaos, covered in glue, and have lost my phone.

Oh yeah my house is chaos. RIP my super nice and pretty office space, hello madness.

I did however find the white fold up table I knew we had but couldn't find for days. My next project I'm doing on that instead of my desk + cube organizers. And my lap desk. And a stool.

My paper cutter/guillotine has been living in my kitchen because while it technically fits beside my printer, it's best used standing, and I have the best height at the kitchen counter. Hopefully the fold out table will work for this but we shall see.

My "first" technically bound book is done, but it hurts me to call it the first, so I'm calling it the test run. But for the sake of transparency I'm saying "hey I did all steps but I don't want to count this one, please and thank you."

Now it is being used as a way for me to test putting a title on the cover via stencils made with my Cricut + dye markers. So far not so good, but I'm getting closer!

Oh yeah and faux leather? Not the best place to start. It's like I decided to learn a new hobby on hard mode. But on the plus side maybe this means I'll get the hard part out of the way and have an easier time with other fabrics? If I choose to use them because really, I probably spoiled myself with the idea of leather bound books.

That is the reason my tester copy turned out as bad as it did. By the end I was so desperate to get the leather to stick AND have the case fit the text block, that I went overboard and cut my chipboard too wide. Oops.

First rounds with the case (following a tutorial), the cover was a teensy bit too short.

Then by the end I was fighting too hard with the leather to care about much else.

I'd probably be happier with the test run if my measurements hadn't been so off.

Also...wax paper??? I wish someone had told me about wax paper sooner. Now I'm not getting everything stuck with glue.

I'm going to have to buy TWO boxes of wax paper today. One for baking and one for crafting.

I am really bad at gauging how even things are. I think that's ruled by the same bit of my brain as Math Hatred. Further hindered by overthinking and perfectionism. (Nothing is ever straight/even enough 😭)

Oh remember how the first copy is the "test run"? I decided the smart thing to do was to after one failure do two at a time. (Not actually smart, but ah well.)

Current stage: waiting for the leather to dry along the top/bottom edges of the chipboard. Then I get to do it all over again with the side edges.

With luck I'll have measured everything properly this time but we shall see.

Oh yeah: the multiple sources recommending waxed thread?? Bad idea. Or at least buying pre-waxed thread was a bad idea. That stuff is THICK. Easy to work with, but THICK and not pretty at all.

Round 2 I used regular thread and double threaded my needle. Less easy but a better result all around.

On that note: stitching the signatures is my FAVORITE part??

Also poking the holes. Poking holes in paper is very satisfying.

Stitching the text block is very therapeutic. Just me on my couch watching true crime videos and stitching signatures together. A great time was had.

Also, minor complaint, I got leather sheets in a variety pack. Bad idea. One won't fit everything the right way. I ended up having to glue my chipboard to two sheets but the "matching shades" are slightly off from each pack. Most noticeable and horrifying with the white leather. 😭 Will be getting proper rolls next time.

Also new hobby has confirmed that my partner is 100% into my obsessive nature.

100% Eddie is very affectionate when I'm hyper focused on writing, and also when hyper focused on binding. Causes mild annoyance at the disruption, but I choose to be happy about it.

Like hell yes my partner fully appreciates me in my element and is super into me being super into what I love. Like...isn't that precious?? I can put up with disruptions to be loved for doing what I love.

Also: when I stabbed myself with my utility knife? Eddie didn't get home until after I went to bed. So when I woke up due to my finger throbbing, he was in his office unwinding after work. And I was high on sleeping meds and exhausted from a long day of working hard. So I just sorta shuffled all zombie-like into his office and held up my bandaged finger. He very quickly deduced what happened, jumped to attention, examined my wound, re-bandaged it, fed me pain meds, and tucked me back into bed. This probably matters not a wit to you but I adore this man with my whole heart and as I was already gushing about him...why not gush more?

Hopefully my next update will have a success story, but y'know...one thing at a time!

#danpuff stuff #bookbinding #fanbinding #busy bee bindery #should have called it CHAOS BINDERY #or “aries fucks my life up” bindery

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willkimurashat · 2 years

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2022 Fics in Review

Thank you so much for tagging me @rebelrayne !!! I only started writing this year, as my new-found hobby, and I actually found it quite fun and therapeutic :) that being said, I don’t have a lot to share, but it’s still cool to look back on it lol!

In 2022 I…

…wrote the following one-shots:

First Impressions Don’t Have to Decide Everything, Right?

MC x Will, 4k+ words

My first ever fic!! It will always hold a special place in my heart, even though I’m kinda scared to reread it and feel incredibly cringy🙈

The Answer Was Simple

MC x Suresh, 2.3k+ words, Lie detector prompt

I’m really proud of this one actually. I wrote it in one sitting and I was surprisingly satisfied with how it came out:) still can’t believe all the love I got for it here on tumblr!

Snog, Marry, Die

Halloween-themed, 7k+ words, tw: blood, violence, murder, death

I was just rereading it yesterday, and I still think it came out so fun lol! Every time I read the title, makes me feel like I was such a genius for coming up with that pun lmao, like, I am wayyy too proud of that title haha😂

…started the following multi-chaptered wips:

Stargazing

MC x Will, s4 rewrite, 61.6k+ words

Ah, the fic that kinda started it all:) It was such an ambitious plan, and I think it’s only now hit me, just how ambitious it really is to do a whole season rewrite lol… I hate how slow I am with writing it, but I love writing it so much nonetheless - it’s my baby!

An Unnamed College AU

Started writing this back in the summer, I haven’t touched it in months, but I haven’t given up on it yet either. I just didn’t think the plot fully through before starting it lol! Maybe I will get back to it, who’s to say?

An Unnamed Xmas fic

Something I started, but lost motivation and didn’t finish… whoopsie daisy👀 maybe next year?

An Unnamed Romcom-Inspired fic

I am actually super excited about this! The idea has been occupying my mind for a few weeks now:) I think this one’s kinda self-indulgent, but my bday is coming up in 1.5 months, so I’m allowing it lol😅 no, but I think it’s actually gonna be really fun, and I hope you guys think so too! Stay tuned!

…reached the following milestones:

Started writing! I mean, it’s a big deal because it got me through a lot actually, as this year was absolutely fucked.

100 kudos across all of my fics on ao3! Like, WHAT??? HOWWWW THANK YOUUUU

1301 hits across all of my fics on ao3! Again, HOWWW I LOVE YOU ALL

Collectively wrote 71,089 words across the fics officially posted to ao3! I didn’t know I could do that wtf!!!

Stargazing currently sits at about 61k words, which is approximately 122 A4 pages, which is also about the same as the word count of Carrie by Stephen King! (I never read it, but it’s still super freaking impressive!!)

And let me be sappy for a moment lol:) After years of stalking the tumblr litg tag, I finally caved in and made myself a sideblog too lol! I had a very very shitty year, but this place has been my safe space. I am so grateful I got to know so many of you - you are all so wonderful and funny and talented and inspiring! I’m not usually a hug person, but I am squeezing you all so tight right now❤️ thank you for being here and ranting/venting/crying/laughing with me, I love you all!❤️❤️❤️

Tagging: I feel like at this point everyone’s done it, but if you haven’t and you want to - I’m tagging you! I am so so proud of all of you for all the hard work you’ve done this year!!

Happy New Year, my lovely friends! Wishing you all peace, kindness, and lots of wonderful moments in 2023! I hope it treats you well ❤️❤️❤️

#litg #love island the game #litg fanfic #tag game #tagged

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tiredinwinter · 2 years

Note

when we were about ready to start posting the fic, we reached out and asked if anyone would be interested in helping out with the cover for wolfrry- because as much as there are loads of inspirational lhh pics, very little match the vibe we're looking for. and we knew we wanted smth to showcase his golden eyes when he shapeshifts so i just tried my hand in photoshop and well- the cover we have now is the result. i actually used to draw a lot myself (wanted to be an architect for the longest time until i switched for doctor) and i miss it terribly. sketching was my favorite medium. but i've never ever tried drawing harry. i might try my hand at it one day again, you've really inspired me. didn't even think abt this when i was doing the cover. and if you ever feel inspired to draw anything at all again for our fic we'd absolutely melt into a puddle ❤️🥹 also, we posted another cover for one of our excerpts- for the lake scene. it was just a pic we both really loved and it showcased a blonde woman. as we said in that ask you sent- we try and make Y/N as inclusive as possible but you can draw her however you see her in your mind's eye. i feel that's the whole point behind Y/N anyway- everyone gets to envision her differently without us imposing any physical features.

all in all- i just wanted to thank you again ❤️❤️❤️i'm very touched that you did this, you have no idea.

I'm in literal tears, I'm so so glad you enjoy the fanart this much 💛

The cover art you've created is absolutely lovely and really sums up the vibe for the fic. I can see the struggle of some lhh pic just not fitting the story too much. I've done my research for my fanart too and can imagine your though process quite clearly :D

Sketching can be so therapeutic and I've struggled hard the last couple of weeks because I had to hand in a lot of paintings for my painting class(I'm an fine arts student:)) I didn't get to paint in my style for a while and I'm so happy to be back with something that I enjoy and also bring happiness to others too. My prof has criticised me quite harshly on multiple paintings I did so my motivation has been running low lately but your writing made me wanna open my sketchbook again <3

The idea of these MCs without much description is so different to many people and I didn't want to overstep your boundaries as the authors or the ones of the reader's because it kind of feels like I'm taking something from them in that way. I'm glad to hear you are so open to the idea of fanart regarding her as well (and one of your anons too, that was so sweet) so I might do some fanart regarding her as well when inspiration strikes !!

Anyways, I really hope you'll get to sketch something some time soon, and if you do so I would absolutely love to see it!!

Thank you so much for reaching out here again, means a lot to me <3

#might be crxing a bit here but its my first day of my period so im extra emotional here #soft hours here for a soft girl #im in awe of how you treated my fanart it been ages since i did free sketching that first of all lead to something i liked #and was something i actually wanted to laint #i really hope youll find the time and mood for a nice and cozy sketching night #so many people loose interest in drawing and then find their passion for it again #get a cup of tea listen to some good music and just sketch whatever you want to sketch #im rambling so much im sorry #just overwhelmed a bit hehe #this is the very first ask I received by the way and Im so glad it was such a kind one too <3

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mae-dwrites · 1 year

Text

Taking Flight - Chapter 8 - Surviving

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“Marigold! Wakey, wakey!” Bridget called as she climbed into Marinette’s room.

Marinette groaned as she pulled her blanket down around her head.

“I seriously don’t know how your mother hasn’t just shoved you off your bed yet,” Bridget said as she came up the ladder.

“See us wells at ne,” Marinette’s face was muffled from the layers on her.

Bridget whacks Marinettes thigh, “Get up darling. Can’t understand you when you cover your face.”

“Oww!” Marinette jolted up. She glared at Bridget with gritted teeth, “I said she just yells at me.”

“Well she used to drag me out of bed without worry. I don’t know why she never drags you around the house. That was the highlight of her day,” Bridget climbed down the ladder. She looked at the windows, they had paper taped to them. Colorful pinks and purples, some blues in here and there.

Bridget couldn't help herself from touching the paper, it was like looking at evidence in the labs. It helped her to think, that if she got her own handle on it then maybe the pieces could come together easier. Or maybe it was just therapeutic for her, to help her overcome the pressures.

But this wasn't a case, this wasn't a mission. This was her niece, her fifteen-year-old niece who had grown after she left. And the saddest part was she didn't get to see her flourish, even if it was in this disgusting magic war.

This war was a disgrace to the city, magic, and at most to Diana. How could the city just close itself off from the world? Was it shame? Shame that they obviously had to rely on children to protect them. They knew they could get help from outside heroes, heroes that knew the ways with magic. So why did they restrict their doors to the path of progression?

“Āyi what are you doing?” Marinette snapped Bridget out of her web of possibly. Bridget turned to Marinette, she had that same nervous overly done smile plastered on her face. Her eyes looked between her and the paper as if she was on the verge of being made. But what would sweet Marinette need to worry about being made about? Perhaps it’s just her usual nerves, Marinette was always a bit jumpy.

“Just looking at the paper, it’s very pretty.” Bridget knew how to get information out of Marinette when she spun her words just right.

“Oh yeah!”-Still nervous-“I put it up 'cause I wanted to change my room up a bit”-Not a complete lie, but she’s still hiding something-“It gives a nice effect when the sun is in the right place. Also, Akumas flying around or heroes swinging by can see in. It gives me privacy, Ladybug and Chat Noir go around at night to see how likely an Akuma may or may not be, and to be already about in case.”

That last part was true but still had something else. It makes sense, you don’t want peeping toms; also it would be awkward if a hero was making their rounds and glanced by your window at the wrong moment.

“I really need some for myself,” Bridget touched the paper again. Marinette tensed again, Interesting. “Where did you get it?”

“My favorite crafts shop!” Marinette’s voice went chirper.

“Are you okay Mari?” Bridget asked turning back to her niece. Marinette’s eyes had been looking behind her before looking her in the eyes, with her smile a little too forced. Bridget turned around but found nothing there. When she faced her niece again she fought to narrow her eyes at the girl. Marinette let out an uncomfortable laugh, “Well thank you for waking me up so early, I can actually get to school on time! Wait what time is it?”

“Uhh,” Bridget looked down at her watch. “It’s 6:11 am.”

“What,” Marinette squeaked. Her eyes looked like they were bulging out of her head.

“06:11, sorry I forgot you guys use continental time.”

“No, no I understand your American 12-hour clock time. Just why?” Marinette looked so pained looking at Bridget.

“Because you should get up? You’re always late I thought I would help you get up.”

“School is right next door!” Marinettes hands gestured dramatically towards the school.

“And yet you always wake up late, meaning getting up late, which means you get ready late, so you’re out the door late. And then you arrive tardy, and that makes or breaks your future! You need to get yourself in a morning routine or a better night routine.” Bridget scolded the young girl. “Anyway I’m making breakfast, you’re parents are starting the Bakery.”

“Okay, thanks!” Bridget heard her call to her as she exited the room closing the trap door behind her.

Bridget opened the fridge door to an abundance of different foods and snacks.

“Marinette likes to eat in her room lately, she’s been getting all these different things and it’s been filling up. Leaving us without as much room as before, we’ve been considering buying her a mini-fridge.”

Sabines' words from their call a few weeks ago rang in her ears. Perhaps she could just leave the food up in her room. She could just hang out with her after she ate. Bridget was many things but unobservant was not one. Marinette had always liked a little privacy and she could respect that, and Marinette was a growing girl and they had their secrets. She knew that; it just kinda hurt is all, but she couldn’t change that.

Bridget grabbed the foods on the list stuck to the refrigerator. And complied them neatly on the tray, it was strange she ate so much. Yes, Marinette had always been one to eat more than she looked she could, but seriously all this for breakfast? Bridget left a few things out because obviously not all of these could be eaten for breakfast. Marinette could have the others at lunch, also today was a half day. She could eat these during the rest of the evening if she wanted to.

Bridget was about to knock on the door when she heard voices and Marinette squeal, or maybe squeak would be better. Some sounded like they were coming from a device but some sounded like there were others in Marinette’s room. She heard Marinette move things and tripping over things and possibly herself. Bridget fought the urge to flinch at the sounds.

Bridget finally knocked on the trap door, “Marinette are you okay up here? I have breakfast for you.”

“Āyi!” Marinette's leg snagged on part of her chair as Bridget turned to her. Marinette fell but brought her forearms up to break her fall, “Thank you! Um, let me just-” Marinette turned her sewing machine sideways for her aunt to set it down on the space.

“Marinette is that your aunt?” an orotund voice asked, it wasn’t the clearest due to it coming from Marinette’s speakers.

“Yes I am,” Bridget smirked as she turned to the screen to find Alya Césaire. Exactly the girl she had been wanting to talk to. Yes she had met Alya multiple times but Marinette or her were always dragging the other out the door. So there was never a formal meeting.

Bridget heard Marinette mutter an “oh no” under her breath.

“Oh my gosh, I’ve been wanting to meet you!” Alya said through the screen. “Mari is always dragging me off to do things or we’re already got plans.”

“Of course, you girls are busy. Also where are you from? Your accent isn’t thick like Marigold’s.”

“Oh, I’m from America. We moved here last year because my mom got an offer to be a cook at Le Grand Paris. And well here we are,” Alya said. “Also thank you for getting Marinette up so early, I never get to talk to her this early.”

Marinette groaned as she nibbled on some dragon fruit. She had taken bites from a bit of everything, but she didn’t seem to eat that much of them. But she was almost done with her cereal though.

“Of course, I’m surprised her mother hasn’t been doing it the way I did it.” Bridget joked.

“I hope she doesn’t take it to heart,” Marinette mumbled.

“Oh that depends on you getting your shit together,” Bridget said dryly.

“Can you leave so I can talk to my best friend please?” Marinette glared at Bridget. Huh.

“You wound me Mars! What happened to when I was your best friend?” Bridget dramatically flung herself on the chaise.

Marinette yanked Bridget up off of the chaise, which wow! Marinette didn’t look that strong. She knew Sabine had trained her in Martial Arts but not that she had put on some mussel. Then again maybe everyone had with what was happening in their city.

“Out!” Marinette cried, although she had let a laugh slip out Bridget could feel the annoyance in Marinette’s voice.

“Okay, okay. I’m outing, I’m outing!” Bridget said as she went down the stairs.

Okay while that had not gone as planned she did get to officially meet Alya. Kinda. And that means if she just happened to randomly see her while she was out it wouldn’t be so weird if she just walked up to her. Besides everyone had been overly nice in Paris, at least some people. It unnerved Bridget to ends meet. While it makes sense it’s annoying, cause how well had people gotten at pretending?

Now of course it was to be expected that the people would need to adapt. It was only natural, that’s what evolution was all about. An organism developing from acting one way to another as nature and its surroundings in order to survive. Such as how birds while in the same genus had many different species as they varied due to the area they lived. And those who did well moved on as natural selection or Darwinism. Sometimes though it was through perseverance and resilience that one made it through, and that was far more admirable.

Close to, if not, the perfect example of if you’re determined enough you can do anything. All Chengs knew that mentality well.

-•-

Marinette rested her head on Alya’s shoulder, she wanted to curl up in the sun and stay there until Bridget left. Perhaps she was spending more time with Chat than she thought, the dark hair haired girl thought with a sigh. Bridget just got on her nerves for some reason. It wasn't like this before, yes Bridget always had a tendency to get into people’s bubbles but she was respectful, she saw where she overstepped. But it didn't sit right with Marinette, it was like Bridget was looking for something.

But Bridget wasn't anything to worry about; she's just a civilian, a very personal bubble invading civilian.

Like she just barged into her room and smacked her leg! Yes it got her up but oh Kwami she could have been nicer! Bridget was so over the top and it was aggravating to no end. Marinette had to sneak the Kwami food while her aunt talked to Alya. Like yeah, she got her out but the Kwami didn't get their respective snacks to just be naturally fueled.

It was amazing to finally be up early though, not to mention some of the Kwami got to eat in the morning rather than waiting for her to return for lunch, or sneaking down. Marinette did leave some snacks accessible in her room but she couldn't leave much without getting in trouble.

Marinette sighed again much more tiredly as her eyes felt like they sagged down her face. At this point she was surprised her face hadn't slid off with how tired she was.

“Oh come on girl, I doubt your aunt is that bad. She seems great.” Alya smirked down at Marinette with her unblocked arm on her hip.

“Important note, never use “seem” around my aunt. That's like an automatic judgey auntie eyes for you,” Marinette said as she finally raised her head from Alya’s shoulder.

“Don't get what that means entirely but noted,” Alya said with a laugh. “Anyway, are you excited about French-American friendship week next month? I can't wait, I hope we get to see Majestia in person. You need to see her!”

Marinette smiled as Alya ranted about the heroes of New York City. Marinette had heard Alya go for hours upon hours of hundreds of heroes. From the most famous to little guys that didn't get the recognition they deserved. Alya talked the most about the United Heroes and the Justice League, usually the United Heroes as she had lived in what had consisted of their heroing jurisdiction for the majority of her life. A good chunk of that being the North Eastern of the States, along with bleeding into the Midwest. And the Justice League because we'll, it was the Justice League. What hero enthusiast wouldn't be obsessed with it?

Not to mention Alya was 1,000% confident that they were gonna be one of the classes to win the contest to participate in the week-long exchange. It was New York’s turn to host the event between the two countries, the previous year it had been in Lyon, France as Paris wasn’t available due to Hawkmoth and not wanting to risk the safety of some American students. Of course Marinette wouldn’t know that, but Ladybug would have played a part while discussing this with the mayor and President. Also the President loved the idea for it showed more than just Paris to the students, showed from reports it actually did very well and the students got to learn efficiently about the economics of France as Lyon was a major centre of banking, biotech, pharmaceuticals, and other things. The students even got to tour a decent amount of the universities that Lyon has to offer.

Marinette had been over the moon when she heard how well it went.

“Is that Chloé?” someone said.

Marinette snapped out of her thought train.

“Guess the greedy bitch decided to stop hiding in her daddy’s hotel,” another sneered.

“And to think she was turning over a new leaf.” another guy said quieter than the others.

“Pft as if. That leaf was made of fool's gold.” the first person said with disgust.

“How is the President even letting this slide?” An older classman asked before continuing, “She should be locked up at this point.”

“How does she let the Mayor abuse his power like this? Let alone to the whim of his daughter,” a fifth person piped up.

The comments went on, people glaring at the blonde. Marinette could easily pick her out of the crowd, with the way people seemed to avoid one section of the courtyard how could you not? But she looked…different.

Chloé was no longer having her signature fierce white with her yellow overcoat. Her white shirt with stripes no more, her sleek eye-catching yellow jacket all gone. Now she had dark brown pants and a beige shirt with a soft yellow cardigan. They were still undoubtedly high brands, but they were far more modest than anything the girl had worn. Chloé still had her hair in a ponytail but it was much looser than her high-strung one. It was freer, it certainly wasn't the straight I’m-better-than-you one she wore for the last few years.

All of it made Chloé look so much more real, she looked soft and not just for her new look. Her face was serene in a way; she still didn't give a crap what people thought of her, clearly, but there was something in the way she held herself that was different from the few times Marinette saw her while on Patrols last week.

It had been two weeks to the day, since Double Strike as everyone had started to call it. Marinette supposed they weren't wrong. But just that thought made Marinette’s insides twist. It had been two weeks since Master Fu had lost his memories and given her the responsibility of watching over the Miracle Box.

“Do you think she’s okay?” Alya asked finally, it brought Marinette back to the now.

“I'm sure she’s just been processing. It must have been horrible, having your parents Akumatized and not getting to help save them. And then that very emotion being what made you an accomplice in more pain,” Marinette replied. Though it wasn't really out of answering the question, more her internal guilt gnawing at her. While it wasn’t entirely her fault (the Kwami had been trying to tell it wasn’t her fault at all), she still played a major role in it.

Alya gave her a weird look in question, but didn't press Marinette. As much as she would love to, Marinette hadn't even turned to Alya, just kept watching Chloé as she scrolled through her phone. Alya would ask later.

-•-

“Chloé!” Sabrina ran over to Chloé excitedly to see her best friend again. Everyone in the courtyard seemed to hush, some tried to pretend they weren't watching but it was very obvious. Chloé could almost feel the eyes turning their way, the ears tunning in with that weird cartoony sound when a character remembered something.

“Chloé I’m so glad you're back! I’ve been doing your homework for you even while you were away. So you don't have to worry about that at all! Not to mention I’ve kept your seat clean for you, not even a fly has sat-” Sabrina’s loud ramblings were cut off.

“Sabrina stop.” While Chloé’s quiet voice still held its’ commanding air, but it had lost its annoyed tone. It sounded more like a plea to Chloé’s ears. The fact that she couldn't help her voice to come up a plea made her feel a bit dizzy, as it was very unusual; it felt unusual. Sabrina looked at Chloé with innocent waiting eyes, if Sabrina became an Akuma due to this Chloé didn’t know what she would do. Chloé looked at the redhead for a moment before sighing, “This isn't going to work anymore Sabrina.”

“What? Bu-But Chloé- I don’t-” Sabrina's stuttering stopped when Chloé interrupted again.

“It isn't going to work because this isn't okay. How I’ve treated you isn't good, and I knew that and continued to anyway for a good chunk of that time. I may have been raised in an environment where I was taught it was okay but it doesn't mean that it is okay.” Chloé took a deep breath, “We can't be friends Sabrina, we, uck. Really what was going on here wasn't even friendship, my friendship with Adrikins is just passing. But with you it’s barely even classifiable as that and you went along with it, and I, in a way, taught you that this was okay. It's ridiculous that no one sensible tried to tell me- Wait no- ugh! No sensible adult tried to tell me that, they just let me. Even before Hawkmoth.”

“Chloé, it's fine!” Sabrina cried. Chloé’s heart twisted, God please don’t let her get Akumatized. Because despite how their relationship was she had grown to care about Sabrina. She had disregarded all the red flags they both gave for years, and it needed to stop before there was no turning back.

“No, it’s not and you should know that. But you don’t, because of me. I’ve done some reflecting,” Chloé said the word like she was trying dragon fruit for the time again. The texture of the jelly-like interior paired with seeds taking up the area like a strawberry. The word left her off-set like the fruit. “And I’ve realized that I can't really become a better person if you’re still acting as some servant of mine. We can’t continue like this.”

“But we can still be friends right? We can still be friends!” Sabrina grabbed Chloé’s hand with desperation. Her eyes bore into the blond’s, as if this would save them.

“No, we can’t Sabrina,” Chloé took her hand away. “I have switched seats with Krutzberg, he will be your new seatmate.” Some of the words came out with clear disgust but it was necessary. She was just glad she was able to get them to move the Italian lair across the aisle without much argument. When they first tried to say that it was unnecessary as she was already asking for a disruption in the class. All it took was threatening to bring her father into the equation for them to comply.

“Wha-What?” Sabrina sounded so heartbroken, her eyes widening at the blond. But Chloé was right, she knew it. She had thought long and hard, and Sabrina and Chloé enabled the other in the worst ways possible. They both needed to become their own persons, and that couldn't happen if Chloé still allowed Sabrina to do everything she made her do for her.

Chloé walked away from Sabrina feeling a little lighter, this is the right thing to do. That's what she kept telling herself, there were better ways but Chloé just wanted to rip the bandaid off. She had never liked to drag things out, which was one of the reasons she had taken the habit of using her father to get her way.

The whispers followed her throughout the day, not that it was a new thing. Her mother’s scandal had latched itself onto her and her father long ago before she was aware. And for once none of it bothered her, it didn’t get under her skin. And Chloé felt all the more stronger for it.

☾•☽

Makzenie stared at the door, she had been doing this for who knows how long. She really didn’t want to do this but she knew the hero wouldn’t stop bothering her or giving her things unless she did something. Sure she could have skipped town, but how? She had no money; most of the ways out were turned into fortresses after Hawkmoth started. They made it difficult for people to get in, and in turn, made the same for the opposite.

Even then she wouldn’t know her way around like she knew Paris, she wouldn’t have the same equivalent of knowledge she did here. She knew Roger’s chase limit; she knew the best spots to crash; she’d made safe-havens. If she left she would be left worse off than she was here.

Perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad an idea to reach out…

She finally took a deep breath and brought her hand up to knock on the door only for it open in front of her. Makzenie blinked once before looking up at the giant teddy bear man that was Tom Dupain. The girl blinked again suddenly feeling extremely short when she was quite tall her age really. She watched as the man seemed to brighten up at the sight of her, even in her dirty clothes and semi-tangled hair. She started to feel dirtier than she had a few seconds ago, becoming very self-conscious. She felt the dirt and grime that stuck to her hands; the too-thin fabric of her shoes; the heaviness of her eyebags; the weight of her backpack while it didn’t hold much suddenly became kilograms, the straps becoming more apparent to her nerves.

“Makkie listen to me. Respirer,” Tom’s voice broke through. Makzenie’s eyes looked up to the baker, “There you are. Take another breath with me.” Makzenie complied and took breaths along with Tom.

Tom helped her sit down on the stair step, “I just need to deliver this box across the street. Do you think you’ll be okay if I leave you here for a few minutes?”

Makzenie nodded, but Tom raised his eyebrows at her. While the face was supposed to be stern it made Makzenie smile, because as sweet as the baker was he could never threaten anyone who knew him. She nodded again, “Really I’ll be fine while you do that.”

Tom seemed to hesitate before nodding and mumbling to himself as he picked up the box to make his delivery. It didn’t take that long but it felt as though he was gone for way longer; it didn’t help that she couldn’t stop her leg from bouncing while she waited. Usually, she was better at hiding her nervousness, she prided herself on it. But then again, it wasn’t like this was something she did every day. In fact, being in situations like this were one she actively avoided.

“Makkie?” Makzenie looked up to see Sabine looking at her confused. “I didn’t know you were here. I would have welcomed you in if I had.”

“Oh it’s fine Mme. Cheng. M. Dupain let me in. He said he’d be back after a delivery.” The girl tried her best to smile at Sabine with confidence. Confidence she didn’t really have at the moment.

“Let me get you something to eat dear.”

Makzenie's eyes widened in panic, “No, it’s fine really. You don’t need to!”

Makzenie’s words fell on deaf ears as Sabine blatantly ignored everything that came out of the girl’s mouth. Sabine left her to retrieve something for Makzenie. Makzenie sighed and pulled her hair back with a groan. It’s not like she didn’t appreciate the Dupain-Chengs, they offered help to anyone. They didn’t try to force her to meet social workers or to go to homeless shelters, they didn’t hide how they felt, and while they didn’t try to push her into things they also didn’t directly ask her questions. It was strange how sometimes they seemed so direct and then when Mak took a closer look that they were asking around the bigger questions they want to ask.

Sabine reemerged with a box, “We don’t have much for regular nutritional food but if you stayed around you could stay for dinner.”

Makzenie opened her mouth but closed it. It’s okay, they were good people. Genuine good people unlike most of Paris, everyone had to put on a face and be nice if you didn’t want to cause an Akuma.

“That would be nice,” Makzenie finally said. “I uh, I wanted to talk to you two about something. Not right now though, it can wait.”

“Of course,” Sabine gave her a smile. “If you’d like you can just hang out down here, or upstairs. I can’t let you just sit around in the bakery or the kitchen.”

“You don’t have to,” Makzenie started to say. Sabine suddenly rose and shook her head, “No come upstairs dear. I trust you not to get into anything we haven’t allowed you into before.”

Makzenie reluctantly followed the older woman. It wasn’t her first time with them, but this time she was very nervous. She had nothing to worry about, this was M. Dupain and Mme. Cheng.

“Right now not many people come in. I only have a few minutes tops, I’ll let Tom know you’re up here when he gets back.” Sabine explained as she unlocked the door, “You can watch anything we have while you wait. Marinette is coming home soon, and if the door opens before then it’s either Tom and myself or possibly my sister.”

Makzenie’s eyebrows rose and she looked at the short woman. It never crossed her mind that Mme. Cheng would have siblings, but then again her kind and defensive nature seemed to make more sense.

“Her name is Bai- I mean Bridget,” Sabine let out a chuckle mainly to herself. “I forget not to call her by her birth name. But if isn’t one of us, it’s most likely her.”

Makzenie stood awkwardly near the door as she took in the area. It wasn’t her first time in here but it always made her feel out of place. The place was so clean, the thinnest layer of dust on the shelves and coats or shoes just laying mostly out of the way. It was so simple, just purely mundane.

“Come on sweetheart come sit down.” Sabine gestured to the couch. She showed her a reassuring smile before opening the cabinet that the tv sat a top of, “Pick anything you like. I'll just be down in the bakery.”

Makzenie mumbled a thank you as Sabine went to reattend the bakery. The girl decided it wouldn’t hurt to put something on, she went through the cases reading the backs trying to find something that piqued her interest. She must have been doing this for a while because she heard a knock on the door, which made her jump, before it opened. She turned back to see the baker's daughter enter with a smile.

“It’s just me,” the girl sent Makzenie a reassuring smile. Makzenie couldn’t help but smile back.

Makzenie lifted her arm, “Still got the coat. It’s a bit dirty now though.”

“That’s okay,” Marinette said with a laugh. “Clothes aren’t meant to keep the wearer warm and comfortable. And that includes getting dirty, no one likes to be dirty.” Marinette’s eyes seemed to scan the girl over before looking her in the eyes again, “Do you want to take a shower? I have some clothes you can borrow. You’re slightly taller than me but I think you’ll fit something.”

Makzenie even if didn’t mean to had leaned away as the girl said this. She didn’t want to intrude, but as Marinette looked at her with her wide eyes she thought, I’m already going to be asking something that does have me practically intruding.

“It wouldn’t hurt,” Makzenie finally said getting up.

“Okay just give me a moment,” Marinette ran up to her room. After hearing the teen make her way through her room for a few seconds a very loud thump sounded. Makzenie cringed away from the ladder. How the girl always seemed to be falling or bumping into things made many worry, that did not exclude Makzenie.

“Here!” Marinette cried when she came back down. “These should fit you. If not I can always adjust them. Here’s a towel, feel free to use mine,” Marinette had grabbed Makzenie’s hand and brought her toward the bathroom. She pointed at the bottle, “That one, don’t worry about the water just enjoy it for a moment.”

Marinette smiled at Makzenie, the younger girl gave a small one back. Marinette turned to leave before turning back, “And you can lock the door. So you don’t have to worry about anything.”

“Oh, um. Thank you.” the girl said before Marinette left. Makzenie shut the door behind her and locked it. She took a deep breath as she looked around the bathroom and started the water. Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad, if Chat was right.

-•-

“And then,” Marinette said with a mouth full of spaghetti before swallowing it down. “And then! Kim chanced Alix out of the classroom for the bracelet.”

Mackenzie laughed with the Dupain-Chengs and Mme. Cheng’s sister. The woman, Bridget, was quite strange, while she had a bubbly personality of sorts she wasn’t truly all smiles and fake positivities or someone trying their hardest to hold on to her positive emotions. It was refreshing if Makzenie was being honest, as that’s what most of Paris was. Positive emotions had become things that had to linger, people going out of their way to make happy and perfect events. Not a thing could go wrong, some people did well enough despite it all. Others though, Makzenie didn’t want to remember them.

“So Makzenie what did you want to talk about?” Sabine asked gently and quietly. Makzenie swallowed down some noodles, she suddenly didn’t want to go through with it. She wasn’t the only one out there, but it felt selfish of her to leave them.

But like them, she just wanted a home.

When she looked up to finally say something Bridget’s calculating eyes made her stop. She shifted in her seat under her gaze. It felt like she wasn’t seeing her but through into her, analyzing every part of her.

Bridget reached for her hand but Makzenie brought her hands under the table.

“From a bad home?” The Asian American asked in her rusty French. Makzenie pursed her lips before nodding.

“I, um, I was hoping I could stay with you,” Makzenie stared at the plate in front of her.

“Oh dear,” Sabine took the young girl’s hand. “Of course, you can. We know the shelters aren’t the best, and that process can be messy.”

“I can help you get out,” Bridget said moving her head so Makzenie could look at her. “I know people, um, that can make it go easy. Did I say that right?” Bridget glanced over to Sabine who chuclked and nodded.

They started talking about what they could do. Bridget slipping into English as she spoke to Sabine and Tom.

Marinette nudged Makzenie to give her a smile.

September 25, 2019 ☾•☽ September 25, 2019

—

So I did research on homelessness in Paris before I finished this chapter, and by that I mean this morning, it’s actually surprisingly high. But also I suppose it shouldn't be surprised as it's a big city and a capital. It became worse after Covid as their system was taken from them.

Their shelters aren't very hygienic is what I remember from reading from one of the four articles I will be linking. So that's something I decided I want to make it apart of my story.

Disclaimer: I am not from France or fully aware of their political culture and problems. I am simply using them for a story element and also thought it would be good to bring up.

Homelessness in Paris: The Darker Side of the City of Light by Paul McQueen

Homelessness and the pandemic: Paris by REBECCA ROSMAN

Housing shortage blamed for tripled homeless population in France by Mario Fernadaz

Homelessness and poor quality of living is on the rise in France | Euronews

#maribat #maribat fic #maribat fanfic #maribat marinette dupain cheng #sabine cheng #taking flight #bridget cheng #maribat adrien agreste #chloe bourgeois #chloe redemption #paris homeless #real problems in fic

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