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hiding1ntheforest · 1 year

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Notes On Heathenism: Advice & Misconceptions

Today’s article will be much more casual. When I was first getting into Germanic paganism, I watched every single “advice for beginners” and “common misconceptions about paganism” YouTube video that I could find. I also scoured the internet for articles on this topic. I searched things such as “prayers to the gods” and “how to leave offerings for the gods.” This is something I’m sure many of us pagans have experienced, but looking back on what I’ve read and watched, I now disagree with a great deal of it. A lot of these articles and videos were created by neopagans. Now, many of you may be shocked to learn that I actually don’t hate neopagans. I am heavily reconstructionist, but I believe that people have the freedom to practice their faith in whatever way they want, and I honestly feel that a lot of reconstructionists have a superiority complex (don’t worry, I will elaborate on all of this in a separate article.) Despite this, I must admit that a lot of the poor advice and misinformation I’ve come across has been spread by neopagans. There is no issue with incorporating your own ideas, philosophy, practices, etc with pre-Christian religions, but it becomes an issue once you begin claiming fiction as fact. Anyhow, I’m writing this in hopes of providing actually useful advice from a restructionist perspective, as well as encourage others to be very cautious with what they read online.

1. Don’t Trust Anyone

This ties into the introduction of this article. Do not blindly trust scholars and academics, and certainly do not trust anyone claiming to be a pagan online. You shouldn’t even trust me. When I create these articles, my goal is to introduce different concepts that people can then research on their own. Please don’t rely on my articles or anyone else’s writings for all of your information. You need to read primary sources (well, as close as you can get to primary, considering the majority of literature on Germanic paganism has been written by Christians. When I refer to primary sources, I just mean works close to the pagan period) and interpret things for yourself. You can’t even fully trust the primary sources! A lot of them are subject to Christian distortions. Of course, if you are at all familiar with Christianity, you can somewhat sort out what has been Christianised and what hasn’t. Secondly, we have archaeological evidence that can be used to fill in some gaps and provide insight on pre-Christian society. Going back to what I said about not trusting scholars, they have the tendency to project rationalism onto everything, so to speak. They are often dogmatic, narrow minded, and too often try to insert some form of abrahamic thinking into paganism. It’s important to research things for yourself. Put down whatever contemporary work you just picked up from someone who self published on Amazon. I won’t completely reject these works, but in my opinion, they should be read AFTER you do your own research. After all, you are the most impressionable at the beginning of your journey.

2. Find What Works For You

There is not one way to worship the gods. Everyone’s practice and experience is going to be different, so you really need to take your time to experiment with different ways of worship and see what speaks to you. As a heavily reconstructionist practitioner, I’d like to let you know that a reconstructionist path is not for everyone, and that does not make your practice less valid (I hate using the word ‘valid’ and that type of language, but you get my point.) You should be prioritizing your relationship with the gods more than anything else. If you find that attempting to exactly recreate pre-Christian rites is too complicated or is preventing you from developing a connection with the divine and grow spiritually, then you should probably try something different. You should not feel confined when practicing your native faith. Paganism is the religion of nature; nature cannot be confined. It is fluid and uncontrolled. You are apart of nature and your faith centers it, so do not seek to control yourself and every aspect of your practice. Free yourself from the shackles of abrahamic thought and realize that change is necessary for spiritual growth. Letting go of some things is needed.

3. Don’t Get Discouraged

Early on, I made the mistake of attempting to meditate for an hour a day, leave an offering to every single god, and study some new concept everyday. This obviously leads to burn out and I became exhausted as well as disconnected to my faith. Although I was unsatisfied with what I was doing and found that my practice was unfulfilling, I was hesitant to change. You need to understand that any religious journey is not linear. You are going to have difficulties, there will be things you don’t understand, and you may need to endure some discomfort. However, it’s important to not let these challenges deter you. Paganism is the religion of strength, so learn from your experiences and appreciate the hardship. No goal has ever been achieved without struggle. The gods are not going to be angry with you for feeling confused or daunted, this is a Christian line of thought. We are humans, we are going to make mistakes even when it comes to our religious journeys; what is important is whether we allow these mistakes to define us and hinder us, or if we embrace them and learn.

4. Change Your Mindset

Stop searching for what offerings to leave to which gods and start getting creative. Searching things like this can be great inspiration, but do not follow them directly. Stop doing things because someone told you to. Get creative and start thinking for yourself. I think many pagans, especially those from a Christian upbringing, have a very black and white mindset. As in, “there is a right way to worship the gods and a wrong way, so I can only leave this type of offering and say this type of prayer because google told me to.” Again, paganism is not a dogmatic religion. There are no preachers, you don’t need to be told how to worship the gods. Take time to form your own experiences and do things your own way. Find what enhances your practice and what doesn’t, don’t just do something for the sake of doing it. When I first began worshipping the gods and other spirits, I felt incredibly silly. I would think things like “why am I sitting here talking to a rosebush and leaving this cool stone I found as an offering?” This is something you’ll likely relate to if you were raised Christian or in a non-religious household. You’re going to have to work hard to adopt a new mindset and forget your old way of doing things and any pre-conceived notions about religion. I spoke earlier about scholars projecting rationalism or abrahamic thinking onto everything, but I think we also do this too. Learn to open up your mind and approach all things with curiosity.

5. You Are Not Equal To The Gods

I’ve encountered many self proclaimed pagans online who have a very odd and transactional relationship with the gods. The gods are not obliged to you. Stop expecting for every single offering or other act of worship to be immediately reciprocated. Sure, you might get something in return, but the gods do not answer to you. I honestly have no idea where this type of attitude came from, but it is incorrect and disrespectful.

6. Venerate The Land Spirits

I think many have the tendency to neglect the land spirits. People often discuss leaving offerings for the gods, but I think we need to place more of an emphasis on leaving offerings to the land spirits and house spirits. In my opinion, we have more of a direct interaction with these spirits than the gods. The gods are obviously important, but the land and house spirits are more likely to have a direct impact on our daily lives. Plus, we know that land and house spirits were extremely important to our ancestors because it is a belief that has persisted even into modern times. These spirits are crucial to many different folk beliefs for good reason.

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hanijunk · 4 years

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Alright boys, girls, and nonbinary folks of the world. It’s 5:36am (1/30 when I first started) as I decide to give up on my attempt to continue to focus on learning statistics, avoid studying for my two upcoming midterms, and put off my two actual essays for two different classes.

Instead we’re going into a dive about ✨ KazuFuuma ✨ . Is this me telling you you gotta ship it? No of course not, you’re entitled to your own ships! You don’t really gotta care about it as a ship. But I do want people to recognize it’s THERE canonically, and how disregarding it is extremely unfair to Kazuki as a character particularly. Also, I’m working on the assumption anyone clicking this at least knows the bare bones about what KazuFuuma (ex. You know they are a ship of Kazuki/Fuuma from Dolce, you know they are childhood friends, you know who Dolce is, you know about Honeyworks, etc.) I’ll be making references to specific things, but I won’t always go into heavy detail. Might just hope you know it or take my word for what it is, and go into analyzing it. Some I’ll put direct references to find, but some I’ll trust you can find it yourself. If you somehow read this MAMMOTH and want reference to a specific thing mentioned, hmu I can help you find it!!

Also I hate tumblr formatting sm if you legit wanna read this 7 page essay but hate tumblr format lmk I'll add it as a google doc link instead too. anYWHO

Before actually getting into the meat of things lemme preface some stuff.

Again it’s like almost 6am so this will be disorganized and very train of thought (and likely long due to the fact when I fly by the seat of my pants I’m known to get unnecessarily extensive). It’s definitely gonna be in large part why it’s important to recognize as a romantic relationship foundation and what about it shapes Kazuki’s character in particular. Maybe a bit of how it’s been built up and its general focus and implications. Dunno yet. We’ll see LMAOO

I say f*ck. Not a lot, just a handful of times. This ain’t something scholarly this is for my own enjoyment so if you don’t like that might not wanna read. And it’s not like spitefully I just curse a lot if you haven’t...read my tags before lol

Again this is through the lens of a Kazuki stan. Of COURSE I’m going to have some level of bias, but if anything that bias may help more than hurt because that means I become FIXATED and think a lot about Kazuki. Which plays into establishing just how important it is that Kazufuuma’s relationship is recognized, especially in a romantic light at this point. Lmfao.

I’ll have a few more prefaces about the actual content below but to keep this from getting too long if you wanna read come below the cut owo

I have extremely limited knowledge of Japanese just taking a few classes in highschool (so like 3 yrs ago) and live in America. This means a lot of my knowledge is gathered through the english translations of the super duper incredible and lovely people in the Honeyworks fandom who provide translations (delaix and takanenene esp have provided so much for me being able to understand Dolce) and my own limited Japanese paired with Google Translate for things that remain untranslated.

This only will be drawing on information I have come in contact with and have access to and making assumptions based on that, most (if not all) of which is in the public domain. So things like the Dolce Manga Volumes released via Animate, exclusive 4komas, and Light Novels are out of my area for the most part (apart from again snippets of translations thanks to this fandom’s godlike and generous translators).

I will not be drawing on anything from the first Dolce album with the exception of Nade Nade. From a meta standpoint, I consider those songs as songs made as performance media as opposed to character explorations. Nade Nade is the exception because (1) it was released a whole year before the album and (2) you can tell it’s explicitly an exploration of Fuuma and Kazuki’s interpersonal relationship even if it’s in a slightly more performance based context than the songs that came out with the Dolce LNs. Easiest parallel I can make to show this is if you held Non-Fantasy, Yume Fanfare, and Samishigariya up against each other, you could tell the difference in intended audience and intended purpose the same way the Dolce 1st album, Nade Nade, and the songs of the LNs do respectively. Even if there is some basis to ground Kazufuuma, for the purposes of this essay I’ll be acting under the assumption the 1st album falls under the Non-Fantasy equivalent category.

THAT WAS A LOT OF PREFACING CONSIDERING LIKE 2 PPL WILL PROBABLY READ IT I just have a tendency to anytime I do anything analytical lay down ground acknowledgements for myself to work on just...cuz it makes me feel less guilty for any accidental misinformation even if I’m writing towards my future self to read lolll IM SORRY WITHOUT FURTHER TO DO HERE’S THE BRAIN DUMP

First let’s go ahead and establish why it needs to be recognized as an important relationship. Again, I’m a Kazuki stan. He’s my favorite character not only of Dolce but also of the entire Honeyworks series, and as much as I love him for reasons outside the ship, whether you like it or not Kazufuuma is an essential aspect of his character and narrative. Of course there’s the fact that him and Fuuma are childhood friends, so that’s going to in part define their characters and interactions with each other and those around them. They’re both going to be relevant to one another and important to one another’s stories to an even greater extent than the rest of the members of Dolce. But on Kazuki’s side at least, it’s an EXTREME amount. A running plotpoint in Dolce Diary is the sheer amount of dedication Kazuki has to Fuuma and how much his thoughts and decisions are influenced by Fuuma, whether it be how he feels happiest spending time with Fuuma, how he decided to get his piercing to represent he wanted to protect Fuuma, how he doesn’t want to dislike food so he can eat what Fuuma dislikes, etc. Not to mention running jokes about his borderline overprotectiveness and downright possessiveness of Fuuma, how proud he is when Fuuma gets praised, or that one 4koma that literally explicitly states he can read Fuuma’s mind when he thinks motherfucking ‘dirty thoughts’ about his childhood friend (Fuuma). I still don’t know what the fuck to make of that last bit. Genuinely. Or the fact it’s a fucking running joke. As in it’s not a one off. It’s been brought up multiple times. Kazuki what the fuck.

That’s not to say that he doesn’t have character outside of Fuuma or he doesn’t interact with people other than Fuuma. He’s great friends with Sara, Girisha, and Kippei and is shown time and time again to have fun interactions with all of them, generally acting as the best support friend for every member of the group, not Fuuma alone. For instance how he helps Kippei with his self confidence issues or stays over at Sara’s to protect him from a cockroach (which he fails at lol). Nor is that to say all his interactions involving Fuuma focus solely on his devotion to Fuuma, especially in instances where the manga focuses on Dolce as a group dynamic (though even in that setting there are times where jokes about his devotion are thrown in). He’s kind, he’s stupid, he’s friendly, he’s an amazing character in his own right, and I love him for all those reasons. But that doesn’t change the fact a major part of his character and his character interactions are rooted in Fuuma, and arguably some of his most interesting, eccentric, and notable behaviors and traits revolve around Fuuma (again the mind reading for example).

Hell let’s take it one step further. If you look at the character bios of the Dolce members, you get everyone’s motives for being an idol and interests. Of them, Kazuki is the only one to have another character mentioned directly, not to mention that supporting Fuuma is explicitly stated to be his primary motive as to why he became an idol. Not even Fuuma’s sister is mentioned, though two arguments can be made for this. The first would be that Fuuma’s backstory about wanting to fulfill his dream for himself and his sister was decided later to explain Fuuma’s choice to crossdress though it can be argued it was intentionally done to leave it as a reveal at a later date, to which I would argue I don’t think this backstory was a choice in post. While Fuuma’s dedicated Dolce Diary extra exploring that backstory was released a little less than a year after Dolce was revealed, the preview to set up Fuuma’s backstory was actually the first thing released after the character bios on the Dolce Official Twitter page if you exclude a drawing of Dolce from Yamako. The second argument could be that information about his sister was intentionally withheld to set up the reveal when Fuuma’s extra released to explore it. However, going by that logic (which I do agree with), that would also mean that Fuuma’s inclusion and importance in Kazuki’s character bio also set up his dedicated extra, which I don’t think would be incorrect to assume considering what his actual extra turned out being.

Which brings me to the thing that makes it inexplicable to write off the romantic implications behind Kazufuuma: Kazuki’s dedicated Dolce Diary extra, Suki. I shipped Kazufuuma before even knowing of Suki, sure. But the fact that Suki even exists is a shock to me and drove into me the fact that Kazufuuma wasn’t just my own projection. Again, it’s not a surprise that Fuuma shapes Kazuki’s life. They’re childhood friends, of course they’re going to be important to each other. But this extra explicitly brought Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma under a direct spotlight. At first I was thinking oh, this extra was just to acknowledge the fact that Kazuki and Fuuma’s relationship can have romantic implications, but the end of it the conclusion that we got was that it didn’t matter what type of “like” he felt for Fuuma. Originally, I thought it wasn’t anything more than saying there are all types of like, and it doesn’t always need to be explicitly defined, but I appreciated the fact they were aware that they were writing Kazuki in a way that conveyed romantic implications.

Then I thought about it because, again, I love Kazuki of course I’m going to think about his character extra, and realized...that’s not how these character extras have worked. There are only three character extras out as far as I know and have read: Fuuma, Kippei, and Kazuki. If we look at Fuuma and Kippei’s, each extra had a conclusion, sure, but they didn’t have a resolution. Rather, they were simply setting up explicitly what each character’s primary character arc and conflict were. Fuuma’s extra brought attention to the fact that he’s particularly a crossdressing idol by exploring the motives behind it. His choice to be a crossdressing idol is constantly under fire both by himself and the world around him. He’s not immune to those who consider his crossdressing strange, and a part of his story is both finding people who accept his decision to crossdress and to succeed for himself as a crossdressing idol. It’s an essential part of how we understand and define him as a character and it’s a central part of how he interacts with the world around him. For Kippei, it lays the severity of his insecurity under the spotlight and his journey and motives for improving himself. Again, this isn’t something isolated and resolved in the extra; his extreme insecurity and negativity is constantly affecting how he interacts with practically everyone from his fellow Dolce members to his fans despite the fact in all honesty? He’s fucking insanely talented in his own right, his own brother mentioning how smart he is and how he has amazing reflexes. For Kippei, his negativity is an essential part of how we understand and define him and central to how he interacts with the world as much as Fuuma’s decision to crossdress is to him.

Which brings us back to Kazuki, of course. In his dedicated extra, in the chapter that’s supposed to explore and establish and bring attention to an essential part of his character, the aspect of himself under investigation is how he feels about Fuuma. It’s not just how he behaves around Fuuma, it’s explicitly an exploration of his feelings, on top of the fact it’s explicitly an exploration about whether or not he likes Fuuma r o m a n t i c a l l y. Literally the conflict is spurred on by someone outright asking “Do you like him?” and having to clarify “I mean romantically.” What they decided to focus on for Kazuki’s character and emphasize and establish is that Kazuki’s like towards Fuuma toes the line between friendship and romance. His ambiguous feelings towards Fuuma (if we leave them inconclusive as Suki did) are just like Fuuma’s crossdressing and Kippei’s insecurity in the sense the weight of whatever those feelings may be are seen in how he interacts with the world around him and influences his behaviors. It would be another story if they introduced the potential and shut it down all within the extra, because then his central conflict would to me be less directly open to romantic potential and more simply about how his arc was meant to explore the dynamic of the behavior of an extremely dedicated best friend. The fact that he may be romantically attracted to Fuuma or may be only platonically dedicated to Fuuma is instead something that looms over Kazuki in the same way Fuuma’s decision to crossdress constantly looms over him. It’s what Dolce wanted to point to and say this is Kazuki’s central character conflict and central arc: exploring what type of feelings he has towards Fuuma.

Sure, it can be argued that there’s only three Dolce Diary character extras, there’s not enough to be sure about that being the purpose of the extras unless we get the other two’s extras. First, at this point I honestly don’t know if or when they’re going to release an extra revolving around Sara and Girisha just because not only has it been over a year and a half since the latest Dolce Diary Character Extra (Kazuki’s) was released despite the gap between the first and latest Dolce Diary Character Extra (Fuuma’s and Kazuki’s) were within a year of release but also because the Dolce 4komas and comics they’ve been posting to Twitter have decreased (last one being over half a year ago) potentially due to them deciding to focus on releasing Dolce manga content through the purchasable volumes instead. (This is not particularly related to the Kazufuuma argument, just wanted to put out there my two cents on what Sara and Girisha’s extra/focal arc would be. Based on a large part of the Dolce Diary in conjuncture with Can’t an Idol Fall in Love, I’d argue Sara’s would be his journey to regain his passion for performing, and if it’s not that I’d say it’d be coming out of his self-imposed isolation and opening up to people again. As for Girisha, I have less of a concrete idea but I’m assuming it’d be something pertaining to how people often misconceive him whether it be in tandem with his determination, his optimism and sociability, or his stupidity/ability to ignore those misconceptions and work past them. But Girisha is treated like the comedic relief 90% of the time so I’m not entirely sure, but his primary conflict is definitely rooted in misconceptions of him being his roadblock imo. #MoreGirishaContentPlz) That being said, I personally feel like the three are already enough evidence, especially considering it would be honestly even more cruel for Kazuki’s character-centric extra to be focusing on something that wasn’t essential to his character and character arc, anyway. And though it’s not explicitly stated that these chapters are extras exploring a central character, you can kind of tell based on how they are (to my knowledge) the only Dolce Diary updates with cover/title cards each which include their focal character front and center. So working off that fact, the Kazuki-centric chapter established that a pillar to his narrative was his feelings towards Fuuma and that those feelings are still open to romantic potential.

But if you follow me, this is why up until Can’t an Idol Fall in Love With Another Idol’s release, I was terrified of them writing that off. I would have been ok if it was just an arc that was given attention then continued to actively work in the background, as all the character arcs have been over all of Dolce’s content. The fact that they might be giving Fuuma a love interest and giving Fuuma a love arc while Kazuki’s feelings were still up in the air and were still the primary highlighted narrative for him would have been fucking scuffed. To me, it would be like… why would they make him so Fuuma-centric to the point that even his dedicated chapter was not just focused on Fuuma but focused on the ambiguity and potential of him having romantic feelings for Fuuma, yet reduce him to being Fuuma's designated right-hand man. Don’t get me wrong, friendships are just as important as romantic relationships. But again, rather than conclude Kazuki’s answer in Suki to be that his feelings were of friendship, they left it open ended and allow audience members to be actively aware that Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma still had potential to be romantically coded. It would just be so weird to quickly close off that narrative by giving Fuuma a love interest as opposed to letting Kazuki conclude it himself. It would be fucking beyond frustrating for me, at least Eventually, I kept trying to drive my hopes that they would explore Kazuki’s narrative at all down to the ground because it was a Fuuma-centric novel; maybe if anything they’d explore those feelings in his own novel after the fact. But then they kept having little drops here and there of Kazuki being even the slightest bit relevant and I’d go back to questioning “Are??? They??? Is this on purpose??? Do they know what they’re doing or are they just doing this because Kazuki’s just so important to Fuuma as his best friend that he’s there as his right-hand I genuinely can’t tell???” And um. Welp.

Safe to say Can’t An Idol Fall in Love sold me on the fact that they know what they’re doing LOL. And to anyone who thinks that Kazuki’s feelings can still be read as ambiguous in CAIFILWAI as opposed to explicitly romantic - whether it be due to a fear they may pull the “I like him as a friend” card or due to the disbelief that they have an explicit mlm main character in the Honeyworks series - I’d like to cover any bases that may make you think this way. If you think it’s just Kazuki acting like a protective friend, why do you think he calls Yui a rival? If you’ve only seen the MV and think it’s ambiguous or can be taken as the "likfe" for friend, then does that mean you think Yui’s feelings toward Fuuma are also ambiguous or as a friend? With the way Yui responds, she is trying to rival Kazuki’s feelings towards Fuuma. She and Kazuki recognize whatever feeling it is that they hold towards Fuuma, both of their feelings are the same type. I don’t think most people would argue that Yui’s confession about Fuuma was one of pure respect and friendship. Plus, if anything I’d argue of the three characters in the MV, Fuuma is the one whose feelings are left the most ambiguous despite him being the central character. It’s heavily implied that he may be forming feelings for Yui, but nowhere is it established either in the song or in the MV, especially if you compare it to Kazuki and Yui’s declarations or if you compare it to Sara’s feelings for Uru in Can’t An Idol Fall in Love. Fuuma’s romantic narrative here is trying to figure out how he feels for Yui, while for Kazuki and Yui they’ve established a rivalry because they both have mutually established they like Fuuma romantically.

If the MV isn’t enough for you and Suki isn’t enough for you for...some reason…??? You can check out the snippets of the light novel which the wonderful takanenene translated: one which revisits the conflict set up in Suki and one that covers the confession scene in the MV in more detail. If the fact that the conflict set up in Suki (aka the lurking feeling of not knowing if all he felt for Fuuma was only platonic or more than platonic) was specifically reestablished in the LN for anyone who didn’t keep up with Dolce Diary didn’t tip you off that it was something important, his behavior in the confession scene as depicted by the LN definitely should have. He’s possessive about his spot by Fuuma’s side. He doesn’t want that spot to be taken by anyone else. Even if he knows that they can help Fuuma, he wants it to be him. And this line: “Kazuki then trails off his words, quietly saying ‘That’s why…’ and then gave Yui a slightly painful smile, his cheeks turning red,” before he declares Yui a rival and states he likes Fuuma. If you can tell me you read that line and are still on the fence about Kazuki’s “like” towards Fuuma being romantic, please message me and I will see how I can get through to you. Like it wasn’t even just a romantically coded confession. It’s just a romantic confession. That “like” is romantic. And I’m so proud that he’s not only come to understand for himself how he feels, but that he’s confident enough to ask the person he sees as a romantic rival to speak in private and not only clarify her feelings for Fuuma but before she can even do that firmly establishes that he loves Fuuma with conviction. Kazuki my boy I’m so proud of you. *sniffs*

And that’s it for establishing Kazufuuma as at least canonically one-sidedly canon and why there’s not only no reason to deny it but also why denying it is a fucking disrespectful move towards Kazuki. He’s a character, sure, but that doesn’t change the fact you shouldn’t write off his struggle to come to be convicted enough to say it out loud. This has been something weighing on him at least a year, if not more (all I know is it started when both he and Fuuma were in some year in middle school). And as a character in a piece of media, I’ve been saying this the entire time, but brushing it off as non-romantic is literally chucking a fucking pillar of his character’s story into the gutter. And to those who may be saying Kazuki’s confession came out of nowhere and is pandering reread this entire fucking essay again I dare you to do it and tell me to my face it’s pandering. Again. Writing off the buildup as pandering is disrespectful to him, disrespectful to his character and narrative, and disrespectful to the wonderful people who have been creating Dolce so diligently and have crafted this narrative for us. Saying his “supposed feelings” and “ambiguous confession” is pandering is like saying Fuuma’s crossdressing is pandering which. If you say either of those I will find you and I will shank you in the fucking gut. Even if you’re not fully into Dolce, recognize these characters are actually very well developed and executed amazingly, as per every Honeyworks character that has come to exist. I don’t blame you if you weren’t aware of the weight of Kazufuuma, but now that you read this I hope you are. That’s mainly what I needed to get out there, but as follows will be me more exploring how Kazufuuma has been built up and generally waving my hand off at where it may be going. If you want you can dip, thanks for reading up to here because I know I repeated a lot because it’s just. So important to drill into your head and has been something I’ve been hung up about constantly. LOL

As for where exactly they’re taking it from this point on, I honestly don’t know. In all honesty, I didn’t even expect them to take it the direction they did. But honestly, I think the direction they went with it is really interesting and better than I could have imagined, in my opinion at least. Honeyworks never ceases to amaze me with their storytelling and narrative choices, and I don’t think there’s any that stand out to me as being severely questionable that they haven’t reapproached at some point down the line. And, again, I think they’re treating this with a lot of care and deserved respect. So I’m just gonna be gushing about how smart they set it up and how smart they’ve been executing it and maybe my own hopes on the direction it could go.

Whether they make Kazufuuma reciprocated I have no real clue or bearings, but to me my gut reaction is they will. Of course, I’m biased, but again if you trace things all the way back to 2018 and step through Dolce’s content and growth from there, I’d say even if they didn’t know if they could execute it like this and see it to fruition, I’d argue that Kazufuuma has been at least heavily implied since the beginning as a relationship they wanted to explore from both sides of the relationship. Obviously I brought up Kazuki’s character bio already, but if you look at the *goes to count* 5th Dolce Diary update already has a joke jabbing at the fact that Kazuki is technically Fuuma’s type (and the way Kippei and Kazuki excitedly react is so cute). The fifth update. And as stated before there are tons of Kazufuuma moments in Dolce Diary, whether it’s played for comedic effect or played straight (and this is post Suki but oh my god I’ve said it before I’ll say it again get yourself someone who looks at you the way Kazuki looks at Fuuma oh my jesus). But song-wise, I mentioned the one Dolce album song I would bring up is Nade Nade and this is where it comes!

Not only is Nade Nade specifically focused on Kazuki and Fuuma’s relationship as opposed to the whole of Dolce despite being the first song, it included the setup/preview of the Fuuma-centric extra prior to the full release of the Fuuma-centric extra itself and was released early as fuck. Literally between the 6th and 7th update to Dolce Diary. Sure, it could be to isolate them as a duo for marketing purposes (they’re very often the two promoted idols together if the whole of the group aren’t included), but the way it’s established as a perspective song as opposed to a general idol duet is what fascinates me. Anyone who didn’t know about Dolce prior and only followed Honeyworks for music would be first introduced to these characters through this song alone, and maybe this is where my Kazufuuma bias comes from but I was one of those people LOL. I thought it was just a cute one-off relationship that they had set up for the purpose of a song and that it was an implied friends-to-lovers story that would never get a conclusion. Also I mistakenly thought Fuuma was a girl oop-. In the full context of Dolce, this song in part helped establish Fuuma and Kazuki more solidly as a unique duo out of all of Dolce, but it also specifically explored through Fuuma’s eyes just how much Fuuma recognizes and appreciates the unwavering support Kazuki gives him to follow his dreams as he wishes. For Fuuma, he loves Kazuki too, though whether it holds any romantic potential in the same way Kazuki loves him has never been explored to nearly the same extent. But Fuuma appreciates how Kazuki’s remained by his side and does everything he can to support him, so Nade Nade explores how his way of expressing his love and thankfulness to Kazuki is by never saying that he needs Kazuki by his side. He’s glad Kazuki’s always been there for him, and his reciprocation takes on the form of being ready to unwaveringly support Kazuki and not ask for more than he already has, even if it meant Kazuki would be leaving his side, despite the fact that he really does wish they could remain together forever just as Kazuki does. The one point he lets himself say something vaguely close to always wanting to stay together, he gets a surprised expression out of Kazuki and says an ambiguous “suki dayo.” Of course, this it much less romantically coded than what we get from Kazuki in Suki and CAIFILWAI, but there is an interesting emphasis put on it nonetheless. Keep in mind, this is all established through the song, which released long before not only Fuuma’s character-centric extra released but also Kazuki’s character-centric extra released, so there is at least a substantial setup for Fuuma’s feelings towards Kazuki’s being strong as well and possibly grow to be reciprocated one day.

I think for me the most fascinating part about Nade Nade is how they tied it back around to Can’t An Idol Fall In Love with Another Idol. Again, without remembering Nade Nade, I still thought CAIFILWAI was brilliantly explored and executed, even if some people would have preferred no love triangle. But honestly, revisiting Nade Nade makes me trust even more the direction they’re taking with this. Whether or not they make Kazufuuma canon mutually (which. Even if they for some inexplicable reason didn’t I’m going down with this ship.), I’m sure they’re putting a lot of thought into the story, because the last bit of Nade Nade directly parallels the misunderstanding that arose from Fuuma mishearing the Kazuki and Yui. Fuuma is resolved to support Kazuki in any area he’s given the chance, and that explicitly includes if Kazuki had some girl he liked, which is what he assumes is going on. The fact that they tied this back around in the form of a misunderstanding was really really smart and Honeyworks is always so good at parallels and references back to their older songs, but for some reason I didn’t expect this. I don’t know how to say why, but the fact that the song that started it all, kicked off both Dolce and Kazufuuma, was directly referenced both visually in the MV with a cameo at the start and narratively despite the central dynamic being predominantly explored in this story in particular was that of Fuuma and another potential love interest and involves said potential love interest for some reason makes me think that (sorry Yui) this is all planned out for Kazufuuma in the grand scheme of things. That being said, I don’t know if me thinking it was planned all along is just me with shipper goggles, but the idea it’s come full circle nearly 3 years later is not shipper goggles and a very very well done parallel in my opinion, whether this trajectory was their plan for Kazufuuma from the beginning or not. Just wanted to gush about that some more.

There’s more I could go into especially if I went into specific details about interactions or specific implications established in Honeyworks' Dolce content about different characters that would be fascinating to explore in relation to and under the lens of Kazufuuma, but I think this is uh...plenty long enough. Plus, I doubt you'll stop seeing Kazufuuma posts from me so those ideas will probably just be miniposts or somethin.

Back to the overarching point of this segment, idk what they’ll do with this story in the end, but do I think Kazufuuma will canon? I’m used to looking at ships that aren’t explicitly apparent with a sliver of skepticism, but all things considered (as I stated before) yeah. I don’t see reason why they wouldn’t now that they’ve explicitly identified there is a romantic dimension to it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Like to me, the setup isn’t something that would be written off as unrequited? And this doesn’t have to play into why I don’t think it will canon, my personal opinion on the Fuuyui relationship (again albeit through the lens of a hard Kazufuuma shipper lmao) has it’s own merits and is really cute, I find it cute in the way I found Koyuhina cute. I personally never really shipped Koyuhina, and especially since they slipped Kotarou into Ima Suki Ni Naru I was more curious about who this kid was and how he played into things I didn’t really see Koyuhina as something that would come to fruition. Similarly, there’s more importance in the overall sense on Kazuki than there is Yui (considering he’s one of the 5 original and focal members of this generation of idols, this would be natural), as well as the fact there’s just way more foundation and exploration in Fuuma and Kazuki’s relationship than there is Fuuma and Yui. As for how much of a balance there is inside the LN itself, the fact that they seem to have spent a substantial amount relaying the foundation of Fuuma and Kazuki’s relationship and re-exploring it (at least in Kazuki’s perspective) at all on top of how much content there is covering their relationship prior to the LN ever since Dolce’s origin just feels like that relationship holds more weight. Pretty much Kazufuuma feels more established as a priority in general. The way I personally hope Fuuyui plays out is whether they wind up holding mutual feelings or not or whether Fuuma doesn’t feel that way towards Yui is they get a relationship akin to Kotarou and Arisa. Albeit, Kotarou and Arisa never viewed each other in a romantic light, but they had mutual respect and solidarity. That’s the type of friendship I hope comes out of Fuyui. And considering there hasn’t been a break-up in any Honeyworks’ canon relationships (nor do I expect there to be… they’re all perfect for each other LMAO) it would actually be interesting if Fuuyui get together but don’t endgame and Kazufuuma is established as the inseparable endgame after some realization or another, though I don’t expect them to go that route nor do I know if that’d be the best way to go about it anyway. Also final point, Honeyworks seems to have a thing for childhood friends trope anyway soooooo owo All in all, don’t know where they’re taking it, just excited to see where it goes.

TL;DR of this *counts* 7 page essay, stan Kazufuuma. Not gonna proof this. Maybe I’ll edit and repost but yall are getting a confusing clusterfuck of ramblings over 2-3 hr periods of me writing across 3 different days at around 5am each day. Uh. If you got this far like and subscribe and-- jk plz reply to this mammoth anywhere you see fit or tell me if you have stuffs to add or counter or whatnot I like hearing people talk about Kazufuuma ;w; I am Kazuki and Kazufuuma brainrot can you tell after reading this? No? Lemme just remind you I’m K--

#honeyworks #dolce #kazufuuma #kazuki haiga #fuuma shirayuki #long post #analysis #character analysis #kinda?#nobody cares trash #also keep in mind this is PURELY for self satisfaction LMFAO read it if u wanna dont if u dont idgaf either way #anyway kazufuuma canon fight me #or have intellectual conversation with me #if you want it on a google doc bc it's easier to read hmu #if you can't tell i think about kazufuuma too much #how much of this is repetitive? probably a lot...

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dessarious · 4 years

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Misconceptions, Miscommunication, and Misinformation Pt93

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Damian had once again tried Selina’s room first only to find she wasn’t there. When Chloe texted him back that she was with them in her suite he was annoyed but not surprised. He really didn’t need the woman telling them things about him. The grin Chloe shot him when she opened the door just made him start cursing internally. When they entered the living area, it got worse.

Selina and Marinette were on the couch and it looked like they were going over designs for Selina’s new wardrobe. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was Luka sitting a bit away from them strumming softly on his guitar and notating it in his notebook. When he said he was going somewhere for inspiration Damian hadn’t even considered that the Grand Paris was an option. He’d done everything he could to stay away from the other boy when his family was present.

“Damian! I’m glad you’re here. I’ve got some of the designs we talked about before sketched out and I wanted to get your opinion on them.” His focus returned to the girls as Marinette was rifling through her notebooks looking for his designs. She really was the most unorganized person he’d ever met.

“I’m sure they’re fine.” Selina and Chloe were both glaring at him but he didn’t care. Marinette had proven to have good judgement on these matters and he was confident the designs were up to her normal standards. There was no reason for him to look at them to say so.

“Maybe but there are a couple things we didn’t go over that I want to get your preference on.” His annoyed sigh brought more glares from the others but Marinette just smiled at him.

“You may as well just give in and get it over with, you know how stubborn Mari is.” Luka didn’t even look up to make the comment. Damian could only roll his eyes.

“Fine, but don’t yell at me like you did last time when I picked something that went against your ‘design sensibilities’.” He wished he were joking about that but Marinette’s hour long tirade about his complete lack of fashion sense was still fresh in his mind. Marinette actually blushed.

“I said I was sorry.” Yeah, sarcastically and more of a ‘I’m sorry you’re such an idiot’ than an apology. He opened his mouth to point that out but caught Luka shake his head out of the corner of his eye. Apparently this was one of those arguments he wasn’t likely to win.

“Let’s just get this over with.” Selina was eyeing him strangely and he didn’t like it. She was far too observant for his peace of mind and it put him on edge. Marinette started going over patterns and cuts and in the end he just asked what she thought was best and went with that. It was easier for everyone that way. About an hour in Luka got up and came over to look at the sketches.

“What do you think about adding some emerald accents to this one? It’ll make his glare stand out that much more if the material compliments his eyes.” If anyone else had said that they’d be bleeding on the floor. As it was Damian was doing everything in his power not to blush.

“Oh! You’re the boyfriend!” Selina’s declaration was enough to make him groan. This was exactly why he stayed away from Luka. “No wonder the boys haven’t figured it out.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” He had no idea which one of them she was insulting but if it was Luka she was about to get thrown off the balcony.

“Just that they’re expecting you to have found someone closer to your personality, or for you to act completely different around them. This dynamic is far too inconspicuous for them to catch onto, especially with the way you’re actually getting more stiff when he’s in the room rather than relaxing.” Chloe and Marinette started giggling at that and he just glared at them. They were the only ones who had seen him and Luka in their ‘natural state’ as they liked to call it and made fun of him constantly for refusing to act that way when anyone else was in the room.

“Then how did you figure it out?” Selina actually rolled her eyes.

“Please, name one other person who could say something like that without you assaulting them. You didn’t even fire back verbally.” Damn it. This was going to be a disaster. “Don’t worry Damian, I’m not going to say anything. Even Bruce said they would all wait until you’re ready and I’m not about to subject anyone to that insanity. At the same time, I figured you would want to know that I figured it out.”

“Calm down Dames, she means it. Not to mention I’ve told you that I’m not worried about your family. You’ll understand when you meet my mom.” Damian could only scoff and even Selina was giving him a ‘oh you poor innocent being’ look.

“I assure you there’s no way your mother is anywhere near the level of insane that my family is. Not to mention there’s only one of her and my siblings just seem to keep multiplying.” The girls laughed but Selina was just nodding. None of them understood the shit storm that would be unleashed when they all found out about Luka.

“Yeah, sorry blue boy, but he’s right. Maybe if Jason were locked up somewhere for the initial announcement everyone would survive it but as things stand it’ll be far better if they get over the shock of Damian having a boyfriend before finding out it’s the most laid back person in the universe.”

“Don’t call him that, he has a name.” Selina just gave him a bland look.

“And then there’s the fact that Damian will take every single thing they say about or to you and find an insult in it even if there wasn’t one intended. There will be bloodshed and I’m sure neither of you wants that.”

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#maribat #bffmaridami #Damian Wayne #luka couffaine #marinette dupain cheng #chloe bourgeois #Selina Kyle

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kaioken16 · 4 years

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A Trap

Mallek Week 2021 - Day 1

Day 1: Robot Word count: 2008 Rating: Teens and Up Character(s): Mallek Adalov, minor background characters

AO3 link

A/N: Hey everyone! I’m very excited to begin this year’s @mallekweek event!

This first piece will be a canon divergent AU set years after Mallek is shipped off planet, now part of a wide scale rebellion fighting the Empire in a civil war across the galaxy. The prompt for this day focuses on "Robots" I hope you enjoy reading this piece.

Feedback is greatly appreciated!

A figure is crawling through a long stretching vent, he was dressed in completely black attire, covering everything but his eyes, a series of gadgets and weapons attached on his uniform, armed to teeth with various items. All of this made for an uncomfortable fit but you manage to make it through, this was the only way to infiltrate the facility undetected by the drones or the guards. The smell was a mix of dusty, dampness, rodent shit, and metal, so you know the typical smells you find in a ventilation system.

It was just one of the many things you were used to as part of the job he thinks to himself, he turns into another, it begins to expand, giving him more room so it wasn’t too tight. He then pulls out a small device, pressing the button as a holographic project pops out the screen. Here was a full layout of the facility, along with details of all the levels. The indicator that represented him was a flashing red blip, and he was en route to a green blip that was approximately another level ahead of him. It was left and then straight ahead. He was so close that he could almost taste it. Placing the device back into one of the pockets.

He was an assassin, a hired killer who took high-paying contracts and was one of the best in the business, but he was always interested in the challenge of the kill and how much it was worth to the client. Right now, his target was an Alternian captain in a rebel cell, he had been hired by a high-ranking official within the Alternian empire. His target was one of many rebels against their empire, causing a small civil conflict between the trolls. It didn’t concern him after all, he wasn’t a troll, and wars and conflict across the galaxy just meant more clients for him. In fact, he had been previously hired by the alternian rebels to kill an empire spy and retrieve all the intel they gathered on them.

His allegiance was to the highest bidder…

And this job in particular was worth 50,000 credits. Easy money.

The assassin finally makes his way to his destination. He is directly above the chambers of this captain, he carefully grabs a small metallic tube and presses it against the grate underneath him, a small focused beam of heat shoots from the tip and he uses it to cut the grate open, pushing across and gracefully landing into the hallway, standing before a large automatic door with a security system beside it, a combination of a code sequencer, hand recognition, and retinal scan. His eyes shift around the hall, before taking out his device, pressing a few buttons on before he attaches it to the security panel. There is a jolt of electricity and then a beeping noise as his tool begins to hack the security panel, bypassing the checks.

Reaching for his blaster, fingers itching to wrap around the handle, and squeeze the trigger and fire. He had already mapped out his escape route, so he had to enter the room, and shoot. A green indicator appears on his device and slowly the doors open, he unholsters his weapon. Rushing inside he wastes no time, his gun charges up energy and discharges several rounds of particle beams. He got a little trigger happy, but his shots had pierced through the large chair that was turned back to him, followed by the sound of someone falling over with a heavy thud. Perfect shot.

It wouldn’t be long before his presence would become known, but he needed confirmation for his target. He creeps over to the desk, maneuvering around to the other side, expecting to see a bloody corpse with five holes but to his confusion laying there on the ground was a robot?!

“What the…” He didn’t understand, staring at the destroyed robot, leaking a dark oil substance, sparks flying from the damage he impacted on it. “What is this?” He says aloud, looking around the room, double checking the room, but there was no one else inside.

‘Sorry. Not the person you were expecting in that seat I take it?’

A voice booms on an intercom that catches the assassin's attention. Holding his weapon up, but he was all alone in the room. Just then the doors to the room seal shut by themselves, the sound of the locking mechanism. A secondary system? He rushes to the door, taking out his device to hack open the door again. Sticking on the panel again as the process begins.

‘Oh, quite the cute gadget you got there. No wonder you were able to breach the security and get undetected…’

Suddenly his handheld system begins to short, then a logo appears on the screen a blue zigzag that ends with an arrow pointing up. He attempts to remove his gadget off the panel but is electrocuted, pulling his hand back in pain. He watches as his tool for helping him escape short circuits and fries, a tiny explosion as he shields his face, the device now scorched beyond recognition.

‘Sorry about that. Did I break your toy?’ ‘Here, let me replace it with some of mine...’

A loud buzzer noise fills the room, and then the sound of pressurized air. A set of four panels open up on the wall release a group of mechanized drones, that looked like the standard Empire drones however these were painted with a blue metallic chrome, the previous logo he saw on his gadget was engraved into these ones, and their LED eyes were glowing green, they surround him and before he can even fight back, each one draws a long metal bow staff, the tips charged with electricity. He is struck by one of the rods, and then another, each one sending several volts through his body, trembling he collapses to the floor. They continue to strike him, the blows are hard and each one delivers a painful shock that fills a dozen stings all over his body.

‘That’s enough. Stop.’

The voice commands and the drones respond, one of the machines makes a techno-based noise as if some kind of unique language as it looks up in the corner of the room, where a camera is watching everything. They stop striking the now unconscious assassin. They await further instructions from the voice, the alien’s body twitches a few times as a sign that he was still alive but he was unable to move.

Elsewhere in a completely different location, in another facility, in a small dark control room, the only source of light coming from the large holographic screen, and neon buttons, a figure was still alone in the room. On the screen was the scene that just transpired. He stands up from his leather seat and reaches for a button in front of him, holding down with his finger.

“Now take him to the holding cells.” He orders his machines as one makes a saluting gesture to the camera lenses.

He watches as one of them picks the alien up and throws him over its shoulder and they march out of the room. His trap had worked, and the intel that the rebels received was reliable. The Empire was targeting rebel cell leaders, and Mallek was on their hit list, considering that was responsible for the theft of hundreds of drones that he and his squad personally reprogrammed and shipped to help their other allies, or resend back within the Empire’s factories and like a virus infect the stock. It was certainly becoming a nuisance for the Empire, so much so they sent assassins and bounty hunters after the rebel. But to say he wasn’t prepared would be an insult, setting that trap for the assassin, and always on the move, using misinformation as his current location was one of his many safehouses located in this part of the galaxy. Mallek presses another button on his panel, bringing up a new screen as another troll appears on his screen.

“Yes sir?” The troll addresses Mallek as he’s the commanding officer.

“We have a guest in the western facility, my personal drones have escorted him to the holding cells. Make sure he’s taken care of.” He instructs him, as he would have questions for the assassin later.

“Of course sir, right away.” He bows his head before Mallek makes a gesture before cutting off communications.

…

He sighs, finally turning in for the night. Leaving the control room, he is now alone in a cluttered workshop filled with robotic parts, appliances, wires, and broken drones, or brand new drones in the process of being reprogrammed by him.

This was how he unwinds. He had a small team that did this whole process for him, but he started this role within the rebellion before he was promoted to a captain’s role. He wasn’t above getting his hands dirty, and as a matter of fact, he enjoyed it. Setting up his laptop on a clean bench, he gets to work, pressing the button on his playlist as his favorite tracks start playing, he begins typing entering his codes, and then uploading to the new stolen shipment of drones that arrived, freshly painted with his color and his logo printed on them.

A notification noise catches his ear, followed by a small vibrating sensation in his left pocket. Another sigh. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a small red communication device. It’s a message from an unknown contact, he rolls his eyes knowing full well who this was, a light chuckle as he presses a button and puts the device on a loudspeaker.

“Yo.” He answers as he continues to type away on his laptop.

“Hey, stranger… So how’d my intel turned out? Did someone come to kill you today?”

“Oh yeah, your information was spot on, for once…” His tone is sarcastic as he hears a burst of muffled laughter on the other end of the device.

“Hey! I’ll have you know that information is highly valuable and always reliable! I’m your eyes and ears in this area of the universe…” The other voice says which makes Mallek snort and laugh.

“Yeah, I’m so sure...Don’t worry, I’m working on your custom job right now and it’ll be shipped out soon.” He adds as this particular job was a favor to his old friend who had provided the intel regarding this assassin.

“You’re a lifesaver Adalov!” He yells to Mallek, very grateful to him for working so late on this.

“Anything else you need from me, just gimme a message directly or one of my boys.” He adds as Mallek rolls his eyes, knowing full well that the other didn’t do anything without something in return.

...

It had been a few years into the civil war. The small-scale rebellion that seemed inconsequential had grown into multiple cells throughout the galaxies which then unified into a union against the Empire. It consisted of trolls who felt the injustice inflicted on both their people and other races at the hands of the Empire, banding together to cause distributions, stop their invasion across the universe and end this war.

Mallek’s entire life had been thrown upside the moment he was shipped off-world, if he had been told back when he was a teen that he would one of the many captains of the multiple cells fighting against the oppressive empress and the tyrannical royal family, he would tell that person “yeah right.”

But here he was, years later an adult fighting to ensure his comrades and friends would survive, fighting so his world could begin a new era so that no one else would have to suffer, there would be no more bloodshed, no more pain. And once this was all over he could finally stop being a warrior, a commander, he could put the conflict behind him and just have the life had envisioned. The life he wanted to have.

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tinyshe · 3 years

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The global COVID response is simply the exercise of absolute power instead of science For bureaucrats and politicians, gaining power and compelling submission are victory enough, even when their policies fail to vanquish a virus.

Tue Aug 31, 2021 - 2:03 pm EDT

(American Institute for Economic Research) – Since the start of the COVID-19 pandemic, lockdown champions have perennially invoked “science and data” to sanctify any mandate politicians impose. Hard facts have recently shown that neither vaccines nor face masks provide surefire protection against the virus. But no amount of evidence has yet shaken faith in the magic of absolute power.

COVID policies are increasingly degenerating to the equivalent of sacrificing virgins to appease angry viral gods. New Zealand on August 24 imposed a nationwide lockdown in response to a single COVID case in the capital city. Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern ordered her captive citizenry: “Do not congregate, don’t talk to your neighbors. Please keep to your bubble.” Arden asserted that “complying with these rules, making sure we do all we can to stamp it out, still remains the best strategy in the world right now.” Ardern did not deign to explain why almost no place else in the world, including places with vastly more COVID cases, sought to outlaw everyday conversations.

In Australia, the military is patrolling city streets to enforce the latest lockdown. Daniel Andrews, the Premier of the state of Victoria, recently decreed: “There will be no removal of masks to consume alcohol outdoors.” One Aussie lamented, “My business has been forcibly closed. Everyone has been sent home without pay. We are banned from leaving our homes except for the 5 reasons given by the Government.”

There is no “science” to justify prohibiting Australians from going more than 2 miles from their home. But New Zealand and Australia presume that no one will be safe unless government officials have jurisdiction over every breath that citizens take.

In the United States, many of the same pundits and activists who howled about the evils of “microaggressions” are now cheering for the government to forcibly inject everyone with a COVID vaccine. Biden publicly declared that he is checking to see if he has the power to force everyone to get injected.

Biden endorsed the vaccination passports that some cities have already imposed. Radio host Grant Stinchfield commented, in Los Angeles “you can [defecate] on the street, shoot drugs in crack tent on the sidewalk and even steal anything less then (sic) 900 bucks but now you have to show papers to get in a restaurant or gym!?!?” New York City’s passport regime effectively bans the majority of blacks from many activities of daily life, since they have a much lower vaccination rate than other groups.

Far greater restrictions may be on the horizon. The Associated Press reported that the Biden administration is considering “mandating vaccines for interstate travel” but is delaying any such decree until “Americans were ready for the strong-arming from the federal government.” A top former Homeland Security official has called for placing anyone who is not fully vaccinated on the No Fly list, thereby expanding the list to scores of millions of people and creating new havoc for air travel. Biden administration officials have offered no evidence that such restrictions would end the pandemic but it would permit the president to demonstrate the same machismo that President Nixon showed with his illegal invasion of Cambodia in 1970.

Politicians’ anti-COVID recommendations increasingly resemble frightened soldiers shooting at any noise they hear in the dark. NIH Director Francis Collins recently condemned the “epidemic of misinformation, disinformation, distrust that is tearing us apart.” But much of the misinformation has stemmed directly from the Biden administration’s flip-flops and fearmongering. On August 3, Collins announced during a CNN interview that “parents of unvaccinated kids should… wear masks” in their own homes. He conceded: “I know that’s uncomfortable, I know it seems weird, but it is the best way to protect your kids.” A few hours later, Collins recanted on Twitter, perhaps after other political appointees persuaded him to stop sounding like a blithering idiot.

COVID misinformation started at the top. In a CNN Town Hall last month, Biden declared, “You’re not going to get COVID if you have these vaccinations.” Biden administration officials kept reciting the “pandemic of the unvaccinated” refrain long after it became clear that vaccines were rapidly failing to prevent the spread of COVID. On August 8, CDC Director Rochelle Walensky finally admitted: “What [COVID vaccines] can’t do any more is prevent transmission.” Helluva asterisk. Prior to that, the Biden administration even refused to disclose the number of “breakthrough” infections that had occurred among White House staff. Prof. Eric Topol complained that the CDC’s false statements on COVID risks was a “blatant failure putting millions of vaccinated Americans at unnecessary risk for breakthrough infections.”

On Thursday, a front page Washington Post article castigated the CDC for withholding COVID information from the public, noting that its “overly rosy assessments of the vaccines’ effectiveness against delta may have lulled Americans into a false sense of security.” Tom Frieden, former CDC director under Obama, suggested that the long delays in disclosure led some people to “wonder if the CDC is hiding results.” CDC Director Walensky responded to the debacle by promising “to develop a new forecasting and outbreak analytics center to analyze data in real time,” the Post reported. The CDC apparently did not previously consider it worthwhile to spend any of its $8 billion annual budget on such a project.

The Biden administration has sought to blame the resurgence of COVID on scofflaws who did not submit to every revised command. The Official Enemies List has expanded from those not wearing a mask to those resisting getting vaccinated, and it will soon include those who balk at getting a third (and fourth? fifth?) injection.

The biggest expansion of the Enemies List occurred on August 13, when the Department of Homeland Security issued a terrorist alert, warning law enforcement agencies that “anti-government/anti-authority violent extremists could exploit… potential re-establishment of public health restrictions across the United States as a rationale to conduct attacks.” Anyone who loudly objects to being locked back under house arrest will be the moral equivalent of the Taliban, or maybe Hezbollah. Previous federal driftnets for potential troublemakers expanded far beyond individuals who threatened violence. The feds may already be compiling vast lists of COVID critics that could come in handy at some future point.

But at least government officials now recognize the real enemy. COVID Czar Tony Fauci recently declared, “I know people must like to have their individual freedom… but I think that we’re in such a serious situation now, that… mandates should be done.” Fauci predicts that once the FDA rushes its formal approval of the COVID vaccines, there will be far more mandates imposed on Americans. The fact that the efficacy of the Pfizer vaccine has fallen to 42% is irrelevant. A vaccine isn’t a failure as long as the government can force everyone to get additional injections.

The primary “evidence” for most COVID policies is the job title of the government official issuing the decree. As University of California San Francisco professor of medicine Vinay Prasad wrote last month, “When it comes to non-pharmacologic interventions such as mandatory business closures, mask mandates, and countless other interventions, the shocking conclusion of the last 18 months is this: We have learned next to nothing.”

Prasad slammed his colleagues for failing to do reliable research on key issues of the pandemic: “Anyone who considers themselves a scientist should be embarrassed by our collective failure to generate knowledge, and this failure is once again looming large.”

For bureaucrats and politicians, gaining power and compelling submission are victory enough, even when their policies fail to vanquish a virus. Citizens are obliged to assume “government knows best, even when it knows little or nothing.” People won’t get infected as long as they are groveling to federal commands, right? Unfortunately, the government has no liability for the injections it approves or the freedoms it destroys.

Faith in absolute power is not “science” – regardless of how many scientists pledge allegiance to Washington in return for federal funding. As historian John M. Barry, author of The Great Influenza, observed, “When you mix politics and science, you get politics.” There is no safety in submission to damn fools, regardless of their pompous titles.

Reprinted with permission from the American Institute for Economic Research

LifeSiteNews has produced an extensive COVID-19 vaccines resources page. View it here.

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transallymama · 4 years

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The Gender Spectrum: Making the Case to Cisgender People - Part 1: Learn

Introduction

I wish I could write just one paragraph on this topic, and call it done. Because it is a simple concept: accept other people for who they are without judgement, and let them live their lives in peace and according to their own values and goals. However, I am seeing a lot of misunderstanding on the gender spectrum and transgender equality, and it is going to require further discussion to help us all be more educated on the matter. Thus, I have written this essay, broken into parts for focus and ease of digestion. Allow me to explain all the nuances of transgender equality, as succinctly and compassionately (for all parties) as possible.

Essay Contents (the details are subject to change since I am currently still writing):

Part 1: Cisgender Emotional Response and the Quest for Knowledge

Part 2: Terms and Definitions

Part 3: The Gender Spectrum

Part 4: Identity, Broadly Speaking

Part 5: Judgmental Thinking, Broadly Speaking

Part 6: Personal Liberty and Gender Expression

Part 7: Dispelling Common Gender Myths

Part 8: Common Sense Rules of Etiquette

Part 1: Cisgender Emotional Response and the Quest for Knowledge

My name is Erin. I am a woman, a wife, a mother, a sister, and a daughter. I chose those gender-specific words because they match my gender identity. I was born as female, and I identify as female. But this is not everyone’s story. Not everyone’s gender identity fits neatly into a little box labeled “female” or “male.” (I will get to the explanation of how this can all make sense for you, but stick with me.) If you’re like me, that is cisgender (meaning you identify as the gender which matches your biological sex), then I hope you’ll read what I have to say. You might need to hear from someone like yourself to really start to understand why transgender rights is so important in our times - and beyond just understanding it, to become an advocate for the greater LGBTQ community and help others who might be (either intentionally or inadvertently) continuing to harass, berate, and marginalize a group of people already experiencing deep-seated, systemic, and pervasive discrimination. Truly, they need our support!

If you are frustrated or uncomfortable with the topic of transgender equality and the gender spectrum, it is likely because you lack clarity on the issues and/or personal connection to the LGBTQ community. Your best response to these feelings is to 1) acknowledge them, 2) check that your emotional response is not harming others, and 3) learn more about the topic.

First then, before we get into the details on the gender spectrum, I would like to address and acknowledge your feelings. Most importantly, I would like you to acknowledge your feelings on the topic. Phrases such as transgender, the gender spectrum, and gender non-binary might feel confusing or frustrating to you, alienating, foreign, scary, weird, off-putting, uncomfortable. You might feel defensive about making mistakes regarding one’s gender identity because it’s a hot topic, and you feel like you’re trying to be respectful, but you just don’t fully understand it. Your feelings are valid! You are entitled to be shocked and bewildered by novel concepts. We, as humans, fear the unknown; it’s in our DNA. New ideas are scary. Change is freaking hard.

So let’s all feel validated in our emotional reaction. But we must recognize that those feelings are on us. They are our responsibility to work through, and we shouldn’t expect LGBTQ folks to fix it for us or make it less confusing. And we definitely must not discriminate against them or treat them differently from anyone else just because we don’t understand their circumstances. We cannot let our confused (and for some, even hate-filled) emotional response further disrupt the treacherous road for transgender people by spreading hate, misinformation, phobias, and bigotry. We are each responsible for doing the necessary work to better understand this marginalized group.

Let me be clear - I’m not placing blame on any one individual. I’m not here to “out” you or shame you for your beliefs if you’ve had any negative or judgmental thoughts about transgender folks. But I absolutely do think it is every cisgender person’s responsibility to help right the wrong that our society has done to transgender people. And that’s the whole point of why I’m writing about this. I want to appeal to your sense that loving your neighbor makes the world a better place, even if your neighbor is completely different from you. Even if they are transgender. And even if you have never met a transgender person - you probably will at some point, and my goal is to help you accept them, advocate for them, before you even meet.

I implore all of us to respond to our own uninformed perspective with acknowledgment of our lack of information. We’re all so addicted to blasting our staunch opinions nonstop onto social media that we don’t stop and ask ourselves what we know about a topic before expressing our very formed opinion on the matter. We all need to be saying more often: “I don’t have an opinion on that because I don’t really know much about it.” How refreshing would it feel to hear people reserve judgement and admit lack of insight? Furthermore, one’s opinion means absolutely nothing if it is solely driven by emotion. Opinions ought to have a foundation of information and facts.

Consider this scenario for a moment: You have a toothache. You tell your best friend, who looks in your mouth, and proclaims: “You have a cavity! I’m sure of it.” Do you believe them? If your friend is a dentist, maybe you can count on their expertise to provide an opinion of value. But if your friend isn’t a dentist, then he or she is - they are - merely speaking with an uninformed opinion. Ask yourself: “Do I listen to people who speak with uninformed opinions?” I certainly hope we would all trust a dentist to advise us on our tooth health over a non-dentist best friend. But at least, if we listened to the non-dentist, we wouldn’t be willfully enabling the discrimination of an entire group of people. Unfortunately, trusting our own uninformed opinion on transgender folks is, in fact, doing great harm to other people, and we need to start looking at our own words and actions in this way, especially if you have ever shared something online that could be considered anti-LGBTQ.

Knowledge is power because it is the antidote to fear and ignorance. If our goal is to feel less afraid, less uncomfortable, to change our negative emotion to a positive one, then our response should be to start learning. Learn! Find someone who you can talk to openly about gender issues. Ask questions. Listen. Be respectful. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone directly, then read about it. Read stories about trans people written by trans people. Watch documentaries about LGBTQ teens, told from their perspective and in their words. Learn about families with two dads. Make sure you’re reading the accounts as told by the people themselves and not a cisgender perspective because it might be skewed or have a motive beyond simply sharing a story. Have an open mind to the notion that your current stance on this matter might not be best for humanity. That’s okay because we all have the capacity to evolve and change our minds!

At this point, you might be wondering why a cisgender woman is writing on this topic. Please consider me a bridge - a bridge from a place where transgender seems alien to the point of confusion and even fear, to the other side where you are starting to understand the gender spectrum and ready to start reading and learning from LGBTQ people themselves. I’m just gearing you up for the real deal. One step at a time. Here we go!

(Stay tuned for Part 2!)

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bewareofchris · 5 years

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Public Relations 23/??

R atm | Alec Hardy/Dr. Bill Masters | Broadchurch, Masters of Sex | Strong language, eventual sexual situations

“The fact that Alec Hardy was not currently, had not ever, and did not want to date the American sex research did not seem very important at all to the town of Broadchurch. They did what they had always done with a little bit of juicy gossip: they made a spectacle of it.”

<< prev | Part 1 | AO3 Link

A man had decide what he was willing to give up. Bill hadn’t decided and that must have been why he lost everything. All those decisions: whether to commit to Virginia fully or stay with his wife? Whether to love his children or tolerate their existence? Whether to atone for his past misdeeds or pretend they never happened. He’d wavered in and out of intentions for so long that everyone he thought would wait indefinitely had decided for themselves how they wanted to be treated.

Bill was left with the thing he’d spent his life pursuing. His study. His most precious lover. The thing that he had thought would bring him happiness. And he had it still, after he’d lost all the other things he’d never tried to keep.

Bill wasn’t happy.

Bill was laying on his couch, with a crust of chip crumbs pressed into his cheek, watching nonsense procedurals. He hadn’t moved since the last time he’d used a bathroom. And excluding trips to the toilet and kitchen for fresh supplies of snacks, he hadn’t moved at all.

(Not since a skinny man with no bearing on his life, said he didn’t care who Bill slept with.)

He told himself (at first) that he was taking some time for himself. He’d convinced his brain that his body needed the rest. When the excuse stretched thing, he laid in a slump and he thought about what he planned to do next.

All his daydreams were fantastic plots to leave this place he was in and never come back to it. He imagined plane rides like escape plans. He could go anywhere in the world. Libby didn’t want his money but Bill had tons of it. He was swimming in wealth. He never had to work a day in his life again.

All that frantic energy he’d wasted on the study had amounted to nothing but this moment. Discoveries had been made. Babies had been conceived and delivered. Women had covered his office in thank you letters and baby pictures and Christmas cards. He had a scrapbook of newspaper clippings. He had a certain reputation of infamy.

And he had a crumb-covered couch, and unwashed smell, and a swell of self-pity.

He had a phone with no new messages. He had a flagging sense of arrogance about how he shouldn’t have to be the one to send the next text. But a week later and Alec hadn’t so much as sent a hello through.

Bill had thought a lot about possibilities and plane rides. He’d thought about the merit of throwing himself into anything at all that took him away from where he was right now. And he thought of how disheveled and out of order his life would be if he didn’t stop and pick it up.

Between one predictable conclusion and the start of another repetitious episode, Bill picked up his phone to say:

How’s the case?

And he thought, if you squinted at the words hard enough you could certainly mistake them for: I miss you.

--If he could have managed it, Hardy would have been pissed. All his best effort toward anger left him too exhausted to do anything but sit quietly in place and stew. He just marinated in his anger, letting it simmer under his skin until it followed him into his dreams and out again.

“Well you’re in a mood,” Miller said right at the start. She was pushing Fred up the path to his front door, looking haggard enough herself to not want to deal with him. She stopped when she said it, and looked back over her shoulder. “Alright,” she said, “let’s go. Get your coat, we’re going to get something to eat. Don’t say anything. I don’t want to hear it. I’m hungry, and you’re grouchy and we won’t get anything done.”

They found themselves smashed into a little booth in a corner of a nice enough restaurant. Fred was tucked between his Mom and the wall, boxed in and unable to cause trouble. He had a selection of toys that he didn’t seem to be interested in playing with.

Miller was staring at the menu with a frown pinched between her eyebrows. She was managing what Hardy could only hope for. Her anger and discontent was as thick as a cloud around her. Even Fred was looking across the table at Hardy like he was expecting to be rescued from his upset mother. If the kid had been old enough to understand, Hardy might have told him that there was just nothing that could be done. Moms were people, and people got upset sometimes.

“So,” Hardy said. (He didn’t used to be this awkward. He didn’t used to talk like he’d never used words before in his life.) “Has, uh, Tom come back?”

“I don’t want to talk about it.”

Hardy stared at the menu laying on the table in front of him. He considered his heart-healthy options, and found that none of them appealed to him so he settled on the top option. When he was done (a busy five seconds later), he cleared his throat.

Miller glared at him over the top of the menu.

“How’s the--uh, the job?” Hardy asked.

“Aren’t you chatty today?” Miller dropped her menu down on the table so it was laying half-over his. She sighed like a great balloon of overheated air deflating. And then she said, “can’t we talk about anything else? Not work, and not murder, and not Tom. Can’t we talk about--what’s happening with you?”

Nothing was happening with Hardy. He’d been ignoring Bill Masters for a week. Although one could not count it as ignoring when he had not been sent any messages that required a response. He was being ignored in equal measure to the effort he was putting in ignoring. Hardy shrugged his shoulders.

That might even have been the end of it, but Miller looked like she was disappointed. Hardy was enough of a disappointment to himself without spreading it around. Miller’s disappointment looked like defeat and why wouldn’t it? Here he was, tucking away his secret ongoing involvement with Bill while Miller was trying to figure out how she planned on living her life. She was holding it together after a trauma that ripped her family to pieces. She was coping with loss, and grief, and guilt.

“I,” Hardy found himself saying without any notion of how he intended to proceed. “I’m waiting for a text.”

“A text?” (Miller was unimpressed.)

“Yes. A text from Bill?”

“A text from Bill? Why are you still texting Bill? Bill does not deserve to be texted.”

“Miller--”

“Any man that can just pack up and leave, knowing what we know about your health. That’s not a man that you need in your life. And an American? A sex researcher? What have you got in common with him anyway? It can’t be a lot. What do you even talk about? Oh hello, Bill, seen any interesting…” The humor didn’t fail her but the presence of other families and her own son made her clear her throat rather than continue. She lifted her glass of water to take a sip. “A text from Bill,” she muttered to herself.

Hardy frowned at her.

“Don’t make that face at me. I’ve got more experience with men than you do. If I decide to start texting some other woman that leaves me on death’s door--”

“For Christ’s sake, I’m not on--”

“Then you can sit here and tell me all the same things. Not on death’s door? You collapsed!”

“Lower your voice,” Hardy hissed at her. He straightened up in his seat as if fixing the slouch his body preferred would make his health anymore respectable than it was.

The conversation was interrupted by a very friendly waitress that didn’t seem interested at all in their personal drama. She made promises of quick delivery on the food and took their menus with her when she left. The quiet she left behind was as brief as a single breath.

“You’re waiting on a text,” Miller prompted.

“I’m not going to tell you about it if you’re going to be judgemental.”

Miller’s expression promised him that regardless of whether or not he explained himself, judgements had already been passed and they were not favorable. It felt good to have someone on his side. He was vindicated by Miller’s disapproval of Bill. Even as misplaced and misinformed as it was, there was a definite, relaxing camaraderie in disliking the same person at the same time. She managed to even out her expression into something approaching neutral as she said, “I’m sorry. I’ll try.”

(No, she wouldn’t.)

“Bill with his ex-wife and--”

“Why are you waiting on a text?” Miller all but shouted at him. Her hand slapped the table top in outrage and poor Fred, who had been idly pushing a toy around the table top, jumped. His little face went lax in shock and his lip trembled. Miller comforted him, but she was hissing, “have some respect for yourself, Hardy. Slept with his ex-wife. I bet he did. Accidentally, I assume. It’s always an accident with men like that. What happened?”

At some point, Hardy did need to tell Miller that he had never been dating Bill. He wasn’t dating the man now. He was just hinging a series of silly fantasies on the man. And it wasn’t fair to hinge his fictional happiness on the man but emotions were never fair.

“He went to talk to her about their children. It’s complicated. They only separated a few months ago.”

“A few months ago, and he’s already decided that he could move on? Must not have been much of a marriage.”

Hardy hadn’t meant to smile, but a certain level of meanness felt good. He cleared his throat at the tail end of his little grin and said, “that’s enough, Miller. I told him I didn’t care who he slept with and he hasn’t answered. I don’t know, maybe it’s the end.”

Miller was going to explode, sitting there, biting her lips. She was putting so much effort into listening to him. She wasn’t shouting at him about how it was already over, that it shouldn’t have ever begun. But she was thinking it in very loud thoughts, projecting them across the table. “That’s a bad thing?” she managed to squeeze through her clenched jaw.

“We’re just friends,” sounded very nearly like a lie. It didn’t feel like the truth that Hardy wanted it to be.

“Well, he’ll text you. If he doesn’t, he’s not a good friend. Not the sort of friend that would make a long drive to see you on her days off. Not the sort to make sure you get a decent amount of food once in a while. Not the sort that’s going to help you solve a case that’s ruined your reputation. A friend like that, well, you’d think maybe you might put a little bit more effort into sending a few more texts in her direction. But if it’s Bill that makes you happy…”

“Are we friends that text?” Hardy asked.

Miller just stared at him as if he were stupid. But when she spoke, the words were low and uncertain. “We could be.”

Life had been hell to her. It had driven her out of her home. It had robbed her of precious friends. It had left her alone, and hurting, and hurtful.

“We should be,” Hardy agreed.

@it-is-ineffable, @marvelmisha, @e3105eb, @may-darling, @bigleosis, @stardust-andwine, @echelongaga, @imnotokaywiththerunning, @heirofsarcasm

#public relations: the fic #illogical husbands #alec hardy #bill masters #masters of sex #broadchurch #grouchy bastards in love

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syntaxeme · 4 years

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Giardino Segreto ch. 8

[Read on AO3] | [First chapter] | [Next chapter] Rating: T Chapter summary: Molly is wary of Angel's new 'family' and their intentions. But are her suspicions based on observation or misinformation? One has to wonder where she's getting these ideas.

— — –

While Alastor sat aside and waited for Angel to join them, Venture was a veritable flurry of action, sorting through files, making calls, meeting with family members and giving orders. Granted, they had only been working together for the past month or so, but the change in her performance was shocking nevertheless. ‘Trying harder,’ indeed!

An hour or so after Alastor had entered the office, the doors swept open again to reveal a properly-dressed and put-together Angel with Molly in tow. She observed the space with wide eyes as she followed him inside and he explained proudly, “So this is my office. You met my consigliere already. Everything goin’ okay down here, Venn?”

While she might have normally responded with a clever quip or a tongue-in-cheek ‘no thanks to you,’ she instead gave him a curt nod, only looking up from her work briefly. “I’m drafting a contract for Cherri’s Dust dealer. I’ll need you to look over it by the end of the day so I can finalize that deal. The Cortezes got back to us with an offer this morning too, so let me know when you’re ready to discuss it.” And back she went to writing up the contract.

“Uh, yeah, will do.” Angel gave Alastor a confused look, as if to ask What’s up with her? but the Radio Demon could only shrug. It wasn’t as if he could explain to Angel the conversation they’d had earlier and the real reason for her increase in productivity. The boss frowned and turned back to Molly. “Eh, she’s usually more fun than that”—he shot her a look to see if his jab had provoked a response, but there was none—“but I guess she’s…busy today. Hey, Al, I’m givin’ Molls a tour around the place. Wanna come with?”

“Happy to,” Alastor agreed, much preferring an upbeat Angel to the very concentrated Venture. He joined Molly in following the boss downstairs to the ground floor and couldn’t help feeling that even though Angel was leading her around the building and pointing out all its various features, she was watching Alastor warily the entire time. Had he done something to offend her? Was his first impression in Angel’s room enough to make her assume he was up to no good? He could only hope his smile would make him seem less threatening—though he was aware it often had the opposite effect.

“And look, you’re gonna like this,” Angel was saying, holding Molly’s hand as they came back to the lobby and he led the way up the stairs to the mezzanine and lounge area. In addition to the bar, there was a sprawling seating area with armchairs and loveseats, along with a more unusual addition, which Angel had insisted was necessary: a grand piano where, every night, one of their host of demons would provide live music for the guests. And, just as he’d predicted, Molly lit up at the sight.

“Ooh, it’s gorgeous,” she cooed, hurrying across the room to seat herself at the bench and run her hand along the cover over the keys. As Angel and Alastor joined her, she looked up at her brother with eyes sparkling in excitement. “Can I…?”

“Yeah, I figured you wouldn’t be able to resist,” he laughed, leaning against the side of the piano. “Knock yourself out.”

She lifted the cover, quickly found her fingering, and started to play with ease, evidently from memory. Angel went to stand over her shoulder and watch her hands move, so Alastor joined at his other side. He didn’t recognize the tune, but it was lovely regardless, and Molly played without a single falter or sour note. He somehow felt a bit more respect for her, seeing how focused and skilled she was at what he knew for a fact was a difficult instrument to master. For a moment, he entertained the idea of joining her—but it seemed a step too far. Maybe he would demonstrate his skills at another time.

“She’s good,” he noted honestly.

“Always has been,” Angel agreed with the slightest smile on his lips. It wasn’t the cocky grin he usually wore, all smug, pushy bravado; it was softer, more genuine, and Alastor finally realized how much it had been upsetting him to be separated from his twin.

That was only natural, all things considered. She was always the one to support him through their father’s violent outbursts, the only one in the Dellarosa household he could confide in and look to for understanding. Having that so suddenly removed from his life to be replaced by an army of demons who hardly knew him… Alastor could only imagine how it must feel. He watched as Angel sat at her side, looking more relaxed than ever, and he realized this was a problem.

Angel missed his sister. He was happier for her presence. Meaning that when she left to return to the Dellarosas, when she became ‘the enemy’ again, he would be utterly miserable. They couldn’t have that. Not only would it be a detriment to Angel’s overall mood, but it could interfere with his goal of taking down the Dellarosa family in the long run. Something would have to be done.

As Molly finished her song to light applause from the few guests in the area, she blushed and smiled bashfully. “Still got it,” Angel told her with a grin.

“Never lost it,” she teased back. “Hope I didn’t bother anyone.”

“Please, they should be thankin’ you,” he said, waving off her concerns. “Besides, I own the place; we can do what we want.”

“I still don’t get how you pulled it off. I mean, I saw this place a couple months ago, and it was a wreck!” Her eyes lingered on the glittering chandelier above them. “And I thought the owners were gonna demo it or somethin’. How’d you get ‘em to hand it over?”

“Eh, I had some help from my sottocapo here.” Angel nodded in Alastor’s direction. “This guy might not look like it, but he’s got a few tricks up his sleeves ya wouldn’t expect. He bought the place for a song and then gave it to me as a”—he tossed Alastor a smarmy smirk over his shoulder—“token of his affection. Didn’t ya, honey?”

You have no idea.

“You’re absolutely right, cher. You might also call it an investment.” There was something gratifying in the knowledge that Angel would so readily flirt with him around others, including his sister, even if in a teasing way. It felt legitimizing in a way, as if they did actually have some sort of relationship already. Of course, Alastor tried to take that satisfaction with a grain of salt, as the boss didn’t hesitate to flirt with anyone, but it still felt different when addressed at him. More specific, less flippant.

“Affection, huh?” Molly said, eyeing Alastor skeptically.

“Oh, come on, don’t make that face.” Angel nudged his shoulder into hers. “Not every guy I get with is a complete asshole.”

‘Get with’? That was a conveniently vague description of what was going on between the two of them.

“I’ll believe that when I see it,” Molly answered, pursing her lips. “Anyway, this is all nice, but I wanna know where the real business goes on. I know you and your consigliere run things upstairs, but what about the soldatos? What about the caporegimes? It can’t be just the few of you.”

“They stay in the rooms all over; it ain’t the same as Pop’s place where everybody’s separated. I got capos on floor twelve and floor two. I got soldatos on floor ten and floor five. They’re just around.”

“But.” Molly’s face twisted into a pretty frown of confusion. “How do you keep everyone in line like that?”

“Oh, that’s not an issue,” Alastor answered before realizing he might be stepping on Angel’s toes. Still, the boss gestured for him to go on, so he continued, “Every member of our family has known since their arrival that Angel is the one in charge. We’ve only been in business a short time, but every day he makes it clearer that he knows what he’s doing and is someone to be trusted. I know without doubt that our people see that and respect it.” Angel beamed at his compliments, and he meant every word.

“It’s pretty impressive to have their loyalty after just a month or so,” Molly noted. “How many’d you say there are?”

“Like two hundred, give or take.”

She bit her lip, the gesture eerily reminiscent of Angel’s habit of doing the same. But why should she be nervous at the moment? “That’s way more than Papa’s got,” she said with a weak laugh.

“Yeah, that was kinda the point,” Angel agreed with a satisfied smirk. This was another particular he had stipulated when the Giardinos first began. “Gonna be a lot easier runnin’ him outta business when we can prove we got better forces.”

The young woman drew into herself slightly, legs crossed at the ankle, hands folded delicately in her lap. “You’re really serious about that?” she asked gently.

“C’mon, Molls.” The boss let out a sigh and pushed to his feet. “Don’t get all weepy about it. I know ya don’t like thinkin’ about it, but you can’t act like he doesn’t deserve some kinda payback for all the shit he’s put me through. I ain’t askin’ ya to help me do it, but ya ain’t gonna stop me either.”

“No, I know,” Molly said hastily, her hands clasping tighter as she looked up at him with what seemed more like concern than irritation. “I’m sorry, caro. I don’t want you thinkin’ I’m not happy for you. I am. I’ve just been worried. You’ve been gone all this time, and nobody knew what you were up to. I’ve never been away from you that long before, especially not knowin’ why. It was scary.”

Angel ran his fingers through his hair to comb it back from his eyes, visibly fighting guilt over his sister’s discomfort. “Yeah, I get it. Look, why don’t we take a step back from the whole business thing for a minute?” He paused to check his watch. “I’ll take you to lunch or somethin’ and we can just talk like normal for a while. Okay?”

She smiled sheepishly. “I’d like that, Angelino.”

“C’mon, then. Lemme show ya around my part of town a little.” The two started toward the stairs, but he paused when he realized Alastor wasn’t following. “You comin’, Al?”

It was difficult to miss the distinct pout on Molly’s face as she turned to continue on her way as if she hadn’t noticed Angel stopping. Difficult to misinterpret her attitude toward Alastor. “Actually, I think I have some work to get done here,” he said apologetically.

“Work?” Angel scoffed. “Since when d’you have work? I don’t remember givin’ ya anything to do lately.”

“Then I’ll find something to keep myself occupied.” Lowering his voice slightly, he nodded toward Molly. “I think your sister would prefer to spend time with you alone. Not that I can blame her.”

“Well. What if I need you or somethin’?” Angel insisted, arms crossed, pouting a bit himself.

“Then call me, and I’ll come to you.”

The boss let out a frustrated huff. “But I wanted you two—”

“Angel?” Molly called, standing by the stairs. Nothing in her voice was demanding or whiny, nothing in her smile signaling impatience. “I thought we were leavin’.”

“Just a minute,” he answered, waving a hand at her, obviously still not satisfied with where he and Alastor were leaving off.

“If it’s going to bother you, I’ll come along, cher. I could also follow discreetly in case you run into any trouble. It’s up to you.”

The boss let out a sigh and shrugged. “Nah, forget it. I been away all this time; least I can give her is an hour or two for just us. I’ll see ya when we get back.” His eyes flickered down to Alastor’s lips, and he started to lean closer, then thought better of it and backed away, giving a weak half-smile as he went to meet his twin at the stairs. As they left together, that smile quickly turned more genuine, and Alastor’s chest constricted with unwarranted jealousy.

— — —

Luckily, he wasn’t allowed much time to dwell on whatever angst Angel’s outing with Molly had instilled. Looking for something to do with himself, as promised, he went back up to the third floor and the office, where he found Venture in a meeting with a group of three capos. Her eyes darted toward the door as he entered, then she went on with her conversation.

“I don’t want excuses, gentlemen: I want answers,” she said plainly. “This isn’t grounds for an execution or even an expulsion, but when the boss hears about it, he’s not going to be happy, and he’ll want the name of whoever’s responsible. You’re going to get me that name. Understood?” All three nodded in silence, and she dismissed them with a flick of her hand, turning her attention to Alastor instead. “Where’s Angel?” The usual languid self-assurance in her voice had been replaced with a certain no-nonsense quality to match her sudden severe attitude shift.

“He took Molly to lunch. He said they should be back in an hour or two,” the Radio Demon explained, wandering over to her corner of the room to look over her desk, which was far busier than usual just as she was.

Venture let out a clipped sigh. “Of course he did. First the distraction with you this morning, now a personal visit—with one of our rivals, no less. Maybe if I’m lucky he’ll be able to spare some attention for the business too. Our don is quite a popular man,” she grumbled, even her writing fevered and frustrated as she scribbled down some note or another and scanned over the many stacks of papers on her desk to categorize it.

“Ahem. Is there anything I might do to help?” Alastor suggested, almost wishing she would take back her vow to so thoroughly devote herself to the Giardinos’ success; she was so much less fun this way.

“Oh, do you work here?” she chuckled, finally raising her eyes to meet his. That was the same sentiment Angel had expressed, and he still didn’t care for the suggestion that he wasn’t pulling his weight.

“You should know better than anyone, my friend, that I’m every bit as capable a man as one could find in these halls,” he answered indignantly, gesturing toward the rest of the hotel. “Just you tell me what needs doing and I’ll see that it gets done.”

“Is that so?”

It seemed as if Venture took those words as more a challenge than an assurance. Somehow, she had a never-ending list of errands to be run, ranging from within the hotel itself to a few blocks down the way to the opposite end of Manhattan. Alastor, ever a man of his word and always up for a challenge, fulfilled every directive she issued, from pressing their lessees for unpaid ‘taxes’ to seeking out some poor fool who had borrowed money from the family and then gone awol.

Over the course of his trials—which had by then become a matter of principle—he must have lost track of time; he returned to the hotel with a bundle of dossiers Venture had sent him practically all the way to the Bronx for, but stopped outside the office when he found Molly waiting there on her own.

“Nice to see you again, but I feel you’re missing something. Have you lost Angel?” He tried to joke, but her smile was sympathetic at best.

“He’s inside,” she said, nodding toward the door. “His consigliere really wanted to go over this deal they’re doing with the Cortezes, so…maybe not the best time to go in.”

“I see.” He wondered how Angel was dealing with Venture’s paradigm shift.

“Our family doesn’t really deal with the Cortezes,” Molly mused, absently twirling a pale blond curl around and around her finger. “Papa says they got too much Spanish in ‘em. ‘No sense of urgency.’”

“As I understand it, Angel doesn’t subscribe to many of your father’s more traditional ideals,” Alastor answered cautiously.

“Yeah. That was never his bag, I guess.” Her eyes wandered to him, inspecting everything from his hairdo to his fashion sense to the spectacles perched on his nose. “He talks about you an awful lot.”

He could only hope his smile didn’t look too self-satisfied. “That makes sense. We work together closely, so he spends a lot of time around me.”

“Yeah, but it’s not really the way ya talk about a coworker. He doesn’t talk about his consigliere like that. Plus I saw how ‘close’ you two were this morning.” Some of the sweetness had faded from her voice since her earlier conversation with Angel.

“May I ask why that bothers you?” What about being involved with Angel is inherently a sin?

“It doesn’t,” she said unconvincingly. “Just makes me a little nervous how he’s trustin’ all these people he barely knows like they’re a real family.” There was nothing catty or snide in her tone; she genuinely just sounded worried.

“With all due respect,” Alastor started at length, “his ‘real’ family, present company excluded, have proven they aren’t all worth trusting.”

For the first time, he saw a distinct scowl crease her face. “What d’you know about it?”

“Only what Angel’s told me. I wouldn’t try to explain your own family to you, but my point is that this change of scenery—and company—has done him nothing but good.” He tried to be as gentle and unobtrusive as possible in noting all this, to make his point without making Molly feel attacked. Not an effort he would make for just anyone. “Doesn’t he seem happier to you?”

“I guess,” she mumbled, winding her hair tighter around her fingers. “But it’s not right, him bein’ away from home. It’s not where he belongs. Family’s supposed to stick together, especially families like ours.” There was a hint of nervous panic sneaking into her tone, as if these concerns had been building up all day but she’d been afraid to voice them to Angel. “What if somethin’ happens? What if he needs help and we’re not there? What if he gets hurt and I’m not around to take care of him?”

In some ways, her concern for Angel resembled his own more than, say, Cherri’s. She wasn’t aggressive or controlling. She didn’t act as if she knew what was best for her brother better than he did himself. She simply recognized that the world—especially the world her family lived in—was a dangerous one and wanted to be present to see him through it. Because she loved him.

That was a sentiment Alastor understood.

“You don’t have to worry about all that, my dear. I can promise you, as I’ve promised Angel: I won’t let him come to harm. Whatever it takes, for as long as I’m breathing, I’m going to keep him safe.” Alastor was almost surprised at the fervor with which he made these promises, but maybe he shouldn’t have been. The passion that burned in Angel was the sort that spread to anyone he touched.

“But. But if…” She was biting her lip again, her shoulders tense as she struggled to accept what she was hearing.

“I understand your concern. Truly. But please believe me when I say that here, among this group and in this role, is where he belongs.”

Molly took a slow breath, then gave a small nod. “I think you might be right.” She covered her eyes with one hand in what at first looked like a sign of frustration. Then her shoulders trembled slightly, her breath came out in a shuddering sigh, and Alastor realized with horror that she was crying. A bolt of panic shot through him as he tried to figure out what he’d done wrong and how on Earth he could fix it. This was the last thing he’d wanted!

“I. Er. I’m sorry, Molly. I didn’t mean—”

As luck would have it, this was the point at which Angel exited the office. He paused for a split-second, saw his sister in tears as Alastor hesitantly reached out to her, and rushed over in alarm to pull her close. “Hey, what’s wrong, passerotta? What happened?” Shooting a defensive glare at Alastor, he hissed, “What’d you do?”

While the demon was at a loss, unable to explain any part of the turn this conversation had just taken, Molly was shaking her head, trying to speak past her tears. “No, no. It’s not him, caro,” she managed, burying her face against Angel’s shoulder. “It’s me. I’m the one who… I-I was so worried about you, and he said you weren’t safe here—”

“Alastor?” Angel asked, confused, but she shook her head again.

“Papa.”

#RadioDust #Giardino Segreto #Hanahaki Disease #human!Angel Dust #mob boss Angel Dust #Angel Dust x Alastor #Hazbin Molly #anyway so help me god Angel is getting laid in the next chapter

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jackkodiac · 4 years

Text

Oh boy this is fun. Extremely long post ahead. Beware of ooc drama.

@holydestruction

"If someone has an issue with another mun, please do not send yourself ‘‘anons’‘ or have your friends send ‘‘anons’‘ as an excuse to try and attack/punish other muns."

Neither I myself, nor any of my friends know who sent the ask. I avoided answering it for 3 days because Ollie and I had not finished discussing the final outcome. I went into Ollie’s DM’s SPECIFICALLY BECAUSE of this ask to try to finally clear the air and have some kind of answer. The ask made me uncomfortable, and the 2 previous ones had as well. It had been sitting unanswered for 3 days before everything blew up.

"Once someone has blocked me I keep it at that and respect their wishes, and i normally don’t give a fuck about the petty vagueposts on here--in fact, check my rules for how i generally approach situation."

Please show me where I apparently vagueposted about anyone??? I didn’t even tell my closest friends about the problem until today (5/2/2020) when I was informed of this callout post, let alone make vague public complaints about you OR Ollie. I blocked you knowing you would likely block me soon anyway.

"However, if someone is coming up to me saying that people are posting things like this, and bringing private matters public while spreading misinformation then I’m going to respond."

No I’m pretty sure I didn’t air any dirty laundry, unlike you? I spoke the truth; in the end I did not get a choice. I got an ultimatum. And I dropped the subject after that ask. Good to know you have someone stalking my blog for you though.

You posted a screenshot of my ask response; a request to have the subject dropped bc I was hurt by a situation I couldn’t do anything about. How horrible of me.

"Hi yeah since you blocked me and Ollie is rarely on Tumblr any more cause of this exact shit right here, and you’re trying to vilify the mun OVER FUCKING WORD BARBIES, I’m stepping in to tell you top stop playing the fucking victim when I have chat logs of you trying to hold Ollie emotionally hostage."

Like I said, I blocked you knowing you would block me eventually anyway. I blocked him too, because I figured the same thing. He specifically stated to me in his last Discord message, and I quote: “After this conversation, I really do think it’s best that we don’t talk again.” So I blocked you both to deter the possibility of accidentally engaging with either of you again. As. Requested.

Also, it hurt knowing you have full reign to npc his character when I was denied even the possibility of npcing a *background relationship*. So yes. I blocked you. I could not forsee us ever interacting in a positive manner, so I cut my losses.

I am not sure how you think I’m “playing the victim” as if I wasn’t also hurt by his words and actions? There were no winners in this argument and you blaming all of it on ME is the actual vilifying.

Also good to know that wanting to talk about something instead of being told I have to end it on the spot with no explanation is “holding someone emotionally hostage.” I guess I will just have to avoid discussions with people ever again bc talking ooc is evil now!

"Ollie tried multiple times to contact you over this issue because they wanted to stay in contact."

This is actually true! Ollie contacted me to talk about general things as well as the topic of our characters a few times over the last month. I did the same thing just as often. He would contact me to say hi and ask how I was doing, we would small talk. I would contact him to show him pictures of my cat bc he liked them! We would small talk. Occasionally we actually would start to discuss things. Then we would either get busy, go to sleep, or have to go to work, and the discussion would end. Other times we had to stop because one or both of us was too stressed out over various factors and the topic was strenuous.

"Every time, you brushed them off begging Ollie not to have them break up because, as you stated, that was the only thing you had to look forward to that made you happy."

I did not brush him off EVERY time. Sometimes we started to get somewhere. He asked to stop talking just as often, if not more times, than I did. And while I did say the ship was ONE of the only things I was looking forward to, I did not say it was THE only one. The epidemic has been stressful on everyone, and with both of us being “essential workers” the external stress is even harder. I enjoyed having something to talk about when I got off of a hard day at the warehouse. I wasn’t ready to let go of that when HE even offered to have them work it out in the first place.

"You then ghosted them for days that rolled into weeks, and Ollie would have to contact you AGAIN."

Correction: I left Ollie ALONE for days at a time, after he would request it. He would leave my messages unanswered just as often? But I didn’t complain about it, because that is something he has always done. We don’t always have time to stop and talk. He would get stressed out and I would drop the subject AT HIS REQUEST until he brought it back up. I think that is actually considered respecting someone’s space.

"Do you know what that is, acyl? That’s putting the responsibility of YOUR HAPPINESS onto OLLIE over a FUCKING ROLEPLAY SHIP, ACYL."

And yet, his choice to make both of us retcon/cut down months of character development between both our muses ISN’T putting the responsibility of HIS happiness on ME? Ok. If you say so.

"Ollie explained to you now stressful and anxiety inducing roleplaying had become, and how miserable they were roleplaying this character for reasons that I’m not getting into and don’t matter right now. The point is, ollie explained how they felt."

And just as many times, I expressed that he did not have to continue writing. He said he was leaving tumblr and going to restrict rp to Discord. I said Ok I can work with that. He said he wanted to drop the character. I said Ok I can work with that; I have had many partners drop muses or leave the rpc before, and this issue has NEVER arose in all 5 years I have been writing this blog. The characters have either been killed off by the original mun or allowed to be npc’d in a background relationship. (Ie, implied that they occasionally hang out or talk. No large modding of anyone else’s characters.) Not once has someone started a huge ordeal over this.

"You then got MAD AT OLLIE, and LASHED OUT because Ollie deleted their blog, and told them that OLLIE SHOULD HAVE CONSULTED YOU FIRST???? AS IF YOURE ENTITLED TO THEIR BLOG??"

I was never once mad at Ollie. I was shocked and hurt by the last message Vwig had dm’d to Crow on tumblr before Ollie deleted the blog. I was concerned for Ollie over what had caused this sudden change. I had just gotten off an 8 hour shift at work and seen the aftermath, and I went into Ollie’s DM’s on Discord asking what was wrong. The previous night, when the characters had been fighting, I asked Ollie multiple times ooc if he was ok. I asked if he was bothered and he told me no multiple times. He said it was all ic and he was perfectly fine. I dropped it and the next I heard from him was THAT. I asked what was wrong, what had happened. I was concerned for my friend who just previously said he was ok. He said he didn’t want to rp vwig anymore and we started to talk about what to do since he was leaving the community. Not once did I say he had to ask my permission to delete his blog. I asked why he didn’t talk to me first about what had upset him, but I did not tell him he had to have my permission.

"YOU DO NOT OWN ANY RIGHTS OR GET TO HAVE ANY SAY IN WHAT OLLIE DOES WITH THEIR PROPERTY, NOR DICTATE WHAT OLLIE DOES WITH A HOBBY MEANT TO MAKE THEM HAPPY AND RELAXED. YOU DO NOT HAVE THAT CONTROL OVER OLLIE."

At no point did I ever express that I did. I expressed concern over his change in demeanor.

"You DO NOT get to do nothing but guilt trip Ollie to try and make them do what YOU WANT. You DO NOT then get to try and use anger to INTIMIDATE Ollie into doing what YOU WANT. You DO NOT get to ghost Ollie after they try to reach out, and pin the blame on them. You DO NOT get to try and vilify ollie because YOU DIDNT GET YOUR WAY."

Good to know that expressing my own discomfort, and concern is suddenly all of these things. Good to know that trying to find out why we can’t work things out all of a sudden is manipulative.

Good to know that internalizing my pain over this fight and going out of my way to avoid talking about it to literally anyone in order to avoid vilifying him in any way is me trying to make him look bad.

"Ollie stated why they were uncomfortable with you NPCing their relationship, and it is your responsibility to RESPECT it. Even if you disagree, it is THEIR CHOICE."

Just as well, I stated why I was uncomfortable with retconning months of writing and development. But apparently it is not his responsibility to respect that and try to come to a compromise. I am the one supposed to only respect him and not expect him to respect me back.

TLDR; You claim I am out here slandering and defaming someone I have never once mentioned in public about a private issue. Yet you name drop and vilify me in a callout post, yourself. You are being a hypocrite, and I would appreciate it if you did not mention me again. Have a nice day.

#ooc #ooc drama #long post

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brokenmusicboxwolfe · 4 years

Note

I haven't read anything from you for some days. How are you? :)

I appreciate you asking, and I know I haven’t been my usual rambling self on here. I’m alright, but just haven’t had the zip for writing. Three reasons really.

1) Busy!- Yeah, what else is new! LOL That new section of tree falling on Mom’s house, the lock on that house breaking, the fact I hadn’t cut the brush under the powerline to this house in a year and now vines had nearly reached it, trying to figure out the computer problems so I can get new pics off my camera, protecting the cats from a mysterious something that literally tore apart one of them, etc (you REALLY don’t want me listing it all) had me constantly working on “things” on top of all the previous “things” that were still being worked on.

Yesterday I had worn myself so down that when I took my ankle braces off I found myself unconsciously doung this thing I do when I’m really hurting of walking on the sides of my feet. It hurts less BUT it isn’t as stable, so what happened? I stumbled walking the plank into my room! Oh, I bounce well and didn’t fal into the “pit of despair” so I wasn’t injured at all by the fall, but it is a sign of how tired I was. AND I still had to go cook my meal! LOL

2) Lack of sleep!- Again, it sounds like “What else is new?” But actually my sleeping has gotten worse. The causes vary from night to night. Sometimes worries, sometimes breathing problems, sometimes I have a very hard time getting myself to go to bed, sometimes it’s itchy poison ivy and bug bites, sometimes it’s “This damn bed refuses to cozy tonight!”... but whatever, not falling asleep until 3am, waking up again at 5am, lying awake until 9am, and then sleeping again until noon isn’t fun.

So I’m been trying to not write when I’m wanting to be asleep. This means no more insomnia writing (though I have a few still in drafts before I stopped letting myself do it) and no more writing just before bed. Also I’ve been tired enough that stringing words together sounds exhausting! LOL

3) Mood- Umm...how should I put this? “I am sick of the human race”? “The stupidity of people drains me”? “Every day, maybe even more during all these supposedly encouraging all-in-this-together pandemic posts, I am become more aware of just how outside of society I already am”? I dunno.

To be honest, that’s a whole post in itself. I’ll give you the gist..

All my life I’ve realized my brain is wired oddly, that I see things different that others, and that even my life is highly atypical. I used to think one day I’d discover a place, or at least people, where I belong. For the last few years I’ve been working to accept the fact I actually fit nowhere and that this is okay.

My key method of coping with this has always been to assume that people are smarter than they seem and always capable of so much more. Lack of perception was a lack of looking, of being distracted. Lack of understanding was simply not having the information broken down in basic and relatable ways.

It wasn’t discounting my differences, but seeing them as just a minor thing. Yes I notice things that others don’t, spot the patterns, can tell you the shock twist ending of a movie 20min in...but so what. I see things differently, but you can say the same about literal sight. Just give them some metaphorical glasses and they could see like me...

Not that anyone wants to, just that they could.

Who would want to always be the one the one that when it’s said “everyone thinks” or “everyone feels” or “everyone knows” has to go “Um, well, I don’t”.

The weird one.

The odd one.

The strange one.

The one that sees everything in shadings and nuances when the world expects binary answers.

The action hero takes of pf the bookish girl’s glasses and says “Why Miss Jones, you’re beautiful!” She’s blind as a bat, but she never wears the glasses again because now she’s won the hunk, and being alone was really no fun.

People weren’t stupid, they just had the sense to belong instead.

But now it’s “You know what? Most people, even “smart” ones, are fuckin’ stupid! And if I really am usually smart, resourceful, etc, then that’s the most terrifying thing imaginable!”

No really. Over my life people have commented about me being smart, resourceful, honest, kind, sweet (geez, really?), insightful, and so many things that sound lovely but have a disturbing element. I assumed I wasn’t being exceptional when these things were said, but only doing whatever was in my nature. If these things are considered notable and praiseworthy in me, does mean most people can’t even meet the low bar I’m easily stepping over?

Put simply, if I am smart, them just HOW stupid are most people?

And recently it’s gotten to where everywhere I turn I see it. Misinformation and pseudo science, missing the point right in front of them, not seeing or understanding the other, assuming without any facts, all absolutes and rage...

I mean, the human race is facing a pandemic and they still can’t fucking work TOGETHER! That’s the best example of the collective stupidity of the human race since...oh, climate change which we’ve done such a GREAT job in dealing with.

Look, Trumpland obviously is a factor, but even in attempts at escapism I get slammed into it. I almost never to get to go “ YES! That’s it! That’s how I feel/think/live (delete as applicable)!” When I do the fandoms tend to insist I am wrong in my own personal take, not just “well, I see it differently, but cool you do” but “you are WRONG, I will prove my version is canon so you have to stop liking it that way!”. There is no place for me in fandoms either.

Recently I’ve begun to get really irritated and fed up.

I mean, growing up I used to beg to know “Why can’t they see???” when something was blindingly obvious to me that no one seemed to get. Back then I turned it on myself. How could I get them to see? I’d cry because they would constantly let me know I wasn’t like them. I had several people calling me their best friend despite the fact they didn’t understand me at all. Everybody is different, just some of us are more different. It didn’t make me angry at them, just made me wonder what was wrong with me.

But now I find myself getting angry out of proportion to the trigger.

Take a this from a few months back. I heard a guy in a podcast, in relation to some movie, saying that if faced with god they would never dare be critical of any horrors of the world because you never disagree with god to it’s face. But he wasn’t just speaking for himself but said no one would. I got angry, really, REALLY angry, because you know what you do when faced with an unjust and cruel god? You fuckin’ spit in their eye! You don’t yield to monsterousness because the monster is powerful, you fight back! You blow up the goddamn death star (repeatedly if necessary)!

I didn’t get angry because he was saying he was a coward or because he pragmatically would sacrifice morality for survival. I wasn’t even angry because that’s the kind of thinking that lets dicators and bullies hold power. I was angry because he assumed everyone would agree with him and that people like me don’t exist.

I do exist.

I know my reactions and views are frequently atypical. I know I notice things others don’t. I know my lifestyle is peculiar. I know I don’t really fit anywhere and never will. My brain is just wired up in a rather strange way.

I know everything that makes me odd, but I just don’t like having to constantly be reminded.

But right now I am reminded every time I look at or listen to anything. Yes, even posts on Tumblr.

Frankly, the human race breaks by heart.

I end up angry, sad, lonely and intensely frustrated. I kinda want to avoid writing in this mood. (Which I obviously just did! LOL)

Sorry I rambled so much. Guess I made up for a lack of posting with this rant! LOL

#mood #writing #belonging #tired #my day #busy #frustrations #I need a nap!

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dessarious · 4 years

Text

Misconceptions, Miscommunication, and Misinformation Pt76

Inspired by @ozmav Maribat AU

AO3 Beginning Previous Next

That night Chloe and Marinette were at the hotel. Marinette felt somewhat guilty for the way she’d been relying on Chloe. Even now she was using her as a pillow because she just couldn’t get comfortable on her own. Granted Chloe hadn’t complained at all but between feeling useless and taking up all her time Marinette was starting to feel like a huge burden.

“I know you’re not asleep, you’re far too tense. What’s wrong?” She jumped a little at Chloe’s voice, but couldn’t bring herself to look up at her.

“Why don’t you like Barbara?” Marinette didn’t even know where the question came from. Yes, the tension had been strange but it wasn’t Chloe’s normal hostile attitude towards those she didn’t like either. She’d been planning on just leaving it alone unless they interacted more. However she also didn’t want to discuss what was actually bothering her.

“It’s not that I don’t like her…” Chloe paused and Marinette looked up to see her frowning in thought.

“You don’t know why you reacted that way.” It wasn’t a question but Chloe nodded anyway. “Do you have any guesses? Or does it feel like something you’ve experienced before?” Marinette had learned not to just ignore feelings like this. First because, with the Miraculous especially, their instincts were there for a reason and ignoring them wasn’t a good idea. Second, letting Chloe mull over a problem by herself had a tendency to blow up in everyone’s face.

“It sort of feels like the way I was with you when we were little. I think…” She paused and Marinette just waited, hugging her a bit tighter so she’d know it was okay. “I think I’m jealous that she can understand you in a way I can’t. That you can share things with her you can’t with me.” The words were soft, like she didn’t want to be heard. “It’s stupid I know.”

“Your feelings aren’t stupid and I’m glad you told me.” Marinette paused to think about the problem. Unfortunately it was something time was likely to fix. “She might have a better understanding of what I’m going through, but you’re the one here with me all the time. You’re living through it with me and that’s far more important. Assuming you don’t get sick of me using you as a horse, pillow, and errand girl before I get things figured out and can actually do things on my own again.”

“Until we figure things out. And honestly I like being with you all the time. Not to mention I actually feel needed which is really nice. I know it’s selfish but before this happened I always felt like more of a tag a long than anything else. I’ve been waiting for you to decide that you deserve better, or that I’m just a phase you’re going through. Now I at least feel useful.” That finally caused Marinette to really look at her. The guilt in her expression hurt, as did knowing that she’d missed this, probably since they started dating.

“Chloe, you’ve never been a phase and even if there’s better out there, which I highly doubt, I don’t want it. I want you.” The look of shock and hope on her face caused another wave of guilt. “What’s more I need you, and not because of my legs. Whenever I feel like I can’t do something, or like I’m a failure, you’re there to tell me to get over myself and do it. Whenever everything gets too overwhelming you’re there to pick it apart into manageable pieces. When everything is just too much, you’re there to tell me that I don’t have to do everything by myself. I don’t need you because I can’t walk. I need you because you’re you.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Damian was texting Luka on the burner phone he’d bought not long after finding out Marinette was Ladybug. He’d wanted a way to communicate that his family wouldn’t have access to so that they didn’t get information they shouldn’t have. He was especially grateful for that device now that Drake was in Paris.

“Do you really have a boyfriend?” Tim’s question caused him to roll his eyes. He didn’t bother answering. No one in his family seemed to know what to do with that information though he didn’t know why. It didn’t seem to be attached to the fact that he liked another boy either. “It’s just… honestly with the way you act around other people and the fact that you’ve never really shown interest in anyone before we all kind of figured you were ace.”

Damian leveled his brother with a flat look. Once he’d started feeling things for Luka he’d done a lot of research on sexual and romantic attraction. The sheer number of orientations and vocabulary was honestly annoying to him. He understood that most people wanted to feel like there were other people out there that were the same as them, but it seemed like there were so many overly specific descriptions that it just made his head hurt. Eventually he decided that finding a specific label for what he was, wasn’t just unnecessary, but also limiting. He didn’t want to put himself in a box that would define him when he wasn’t certain about any of it in the first place.

“I didn’t realize you all talked about my personal life so much. You really should concentrate on your own rather than try to analyze mine.” Tim frowned at him but it looked more like confusion than insulted.

“We care about you, whether you want to believe it or not, and we want you to be happy. I just don’t want you feeling like you have to be with someone if you don’t really want to be.” Damian could only scoff and the stupidity of that statement.

“When do I ever do something I don’t want to do without one of you forcing it on me?” Tim actually flinched at the question. It was true though. His family had an incredibly annoying habit of not only inserting themselves where they weren’t wanted, but also pushing him where they wished with no real regard for what he wanted.

“We’re just trying to help you. You act so certain of everything but you’re still just a kid and considering a lot of your attitude and opinions were set by your mother we want to try and make you open to new things.” That just brought another eye roll.

“And you really think forcing me to do things against my will or better judgement actually makes me more open to things? Given the fact that none of you even bother to ask me what I think or feel about anything you’re just projecting your assumptions on me before making decisions about what I should or shouldn’t like or do. None of you know me at all yet you constantly feel the need to ‘fix’ me. All you’re really doing is making me less likely to try things on my own since I know you’ll all just fixate on it and then force me to do it the way you think I should.”

Tim was looking at him like he’d never seen him before but Damian just ignored him and continued texting. That was another reason he didn’t want to label himself. Everyone in his life already did it for him, no matter how inaccurate it actually was.

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#maribat #marinette dupen chang #Damian Wayne #bffmaridami

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opalknightfire · 6 years

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INFJ Defense... YOU are NOT INFJ!! (or maybe you really are)

So, for today I wanted to broach a subject that has kind of been starting to nag at me. The subject is the MBTI personality typing, specifically for INFJ. But before I get to the real meat of the issue, I shall give a breakdown of how this issue has arisen for me. Maybe others will be able to relate, if at least at the core of the issue, not the specific path to get there. Or just skip down to the ******* to get right to the point.

I have been spending the last several months attempting to do some deep-down soul searching. It came as maybe a Mid-Life Enlightenment moment. And by Mid-Life Enlightenment I mean that I have hit mid-life, but I don’t feel like I hit a crisis, I feel like I hit a moment when I needed more clarity, more direction for where my life was going, a turning point if you will, but a turning point that required I dig deeper into my core and discover what I really needed to start focusing on.

I had finished a chapter of my life, so to speak; accomplished the small-picture goal that had been driving my younger life. And as I stood, realizing my main goal had been achieved, I needed to start looking for what my next goal was going to be. But I also knew that it had to be more. Yes, I could spend my entire life setting small, easy-ish to achieve goals and come out the other side content with the knowledge that I had done it. I had lived. I had completed a life on this wide world. But somehow I felt that that wasn’t all I that I should do.

And so I started down the trail of self discovery: What were my flaws? What did I need to improve? How could I make myself a better person? What about me could others see that maybe I could not? How could I actually affect the world for better? All these questions bombarded me over and over as I searched different topics, issues, and sources of information.

Finally I fell onto the MBTI personality type descriptions. Maybe if I could get my type figured out, I would know where to start. Maybe I could see how my mind truly worked, could figure out it’s weaknesses, could pinpoint any strengths and use those to probe deeper into some meaning that I could direct my life towards. And so I ransacked Youtube, free MBTI test sites, and looked up sites that people had dedicated to understanding the MBTI and Jungian/Neojungian personality typology. I started with broad generalizations to lead me closer to the type I might be and slowly learned more and more about how the different types functioned and not just the superficial stereotypes that the types were labelled as. I took different tests, but spaced them out between months so that I could get a fresh look each time. And my answers varied between 3 or so different types. And many times I thought, “Hmmm, that’s probably right, but how does one know for sure?” And so the searching and testing would continue on.

It wasn’t until I came across the cognitive function flow and breakdowns that I truly hit home to how my mind must work. (as an aside I found the personality test that Erik Thor has put up on his site erikthor.com was one of the ones that better spelled out the cognitive functions in the results, so if you are curious about yourself, that might be a good place to start) I thought back to many of the distinct thoughts that I had had growing up, as a teen, in college, and my life since and saw the patterns that kept reappearing. The functions I relied on over and over became apparent, as well as those that I shied away from which lead to some of my bigger fears or hurdles throughout the years. And the type that fit my mind was INFJ.

*******************

So the point of my rather long intro is to show that I was doing my homework, I was trying to be thorough as well as objective. I didn’t start with an assumed answer and try to prove it. I sifted the info at hand over and over until all the pieces started to fall into place. And once they did, the picture that emerged became clearer and clearer and my mind suddenly made a whole lot more sense to me. It was like stepping back from a mosaic that one has been staring at too closely for too long. All the colors haphazardly scattered about slowly form a picture as you can see where different clusters of similar colors blend together to form shapes and lines. And I felt I had finally gained some clarity as to who I am.

Now, I may still have mistyped myself (I’m not perfect by anyone’s definition) but I feel fairly confident that how I now perceive my own mind and it’s intricate workings falls very well into the many (sometimes contradictory) descriptions associated with the INFJ personality.

However, the more I delved into the INFJ personality, the more I found that other people (specifically those that identified as INFJ) somehow felt the need to warn other people that if they come up with INFJ as their personality type, they are probably wrong and have mistyped themselves. Hmmm . . . why is this the case for INFJ and not the other types?

Well first off, many, many, many, many, many, many (you get the picture) INFJ descriptions start by stating that INFJ is the rarest type!!! Oh my! Really?! Can it be!! (shock and awe!)

Has personality typing somehow entered a reverse popularity contest?

Personality is just who people are: in their heads and how they react to the world. People don’t become a personality or acquire a personality, they have a personality. Maybe statistics can be gathered to get a basic breakdown of what types of personalities there are out there, but statistic gathering can be a rather imperfect measurement to begin with. Especially when the statistics are based off of self-analyzed test answers. People don’t always accurately assess themselves, especially when it comes to cognitive abilities. And maybe INFJ is the rarest type, but it isn’t that far off from some of the other rarer types, so that’s a bit of a misleading statement from the start. I mean is 1% really that far from 2% or 2.5%?

Also, maybe the statistics are just off. Maybe, of the people who took the test in places where the statistics were gathered, more of the INFJ types mistyped themselves as something else than other types did, lowering the actual percentage of people who really are INFJ. If mistyping is so prevalent, than who is to say that the statistcs don’t have just as many mistyped people as the people who are typing themselves where statistics are not being gathered?

And, if INFJ’s are really the rarest type, why broadcast that as some sort of lure for people who have the proclivity to want to feel special? By stating “Are you an INFJ, the rarest type?” you are just inviting people to want to see if they are, indeed, as rare as they may want to feel. Only for you to dash them down by saying, “NO, you are not rare, you are just wrong!” I mean, come on, that just seems mean . . and maybe spiteful.

It seems more likely that the INFJ’s who are questioning other people’s being INFJ’s are the ones who somehow feel threatened by not being special enough. After all, the goal of personality typing is to get a better picture of oneself for understanding, improvement, or possibly just for fun. People probably aren’t out to type themselves based off of what sounds good to them. At least I don’t assume most people are. And for those people who are, well, they probably aren’t taking the whole personality typing seriously enough for it to really matter. But for those people who are truly trying to learn about themselves through personality typing, it’s a bit arrogant to simply decry them as misinformed because you believe you know better based off of some percentage statistic. After all, people who have introverted intuition as their main function probably aren’t that apparent to other people what it is their mind is doing inside their heads. How does a person see someone else and just assume that the other person’s cognitive functions must be working differently than what that specific person feels about themselves?

Now, I’m not saying that mistyping doesn’t happen a lot. It does. It did for me because I did not always come up as INFJ when I was taking different tests. And the few times INFJ did come up for me, before I had gathered a lot of data, I assumed was wrong because the first statement I came across was, “This is the rarest type!!!” While I know I’m unique (honestly, everyone is) I’m not necessarily rare or special. And I’m OK with that. So I figured I must have gotten it wrong and moved on. But once I understood the processing that goes on in the mind of INFJ personality types, well then I started to realize that I was, in fact, probably INFJ after all.

Now, I’m running out of time here, but there is another point I want to make on this subject, but I’ll have to try and make it quickly.

I was talking about personality types with my brother recently, and we were both discussing how in businesses and in society the diversity of personalities plays an important role. In any structure different tasks are accomplished by different types of people. A well running company or business relies on having a bunch of different personality types doing things that their personality does well and other types are not so good at. The same goes for the social structure of communities and even politics and government. You need people of different abilities and thought processes to keep the various machines of humanity working well. So, what if personality types become more or less prevalent based off of the current needs of society. Just as nature can compensate for overpopulation or underpopulation in animals by changing genders or reabsorbing pregnancies, so too might the stresses of society make some personality types more or less likely to show up in a given population. So maybe INFJ’s used to be rarer, but the needs of society has made the number of people born with that personality type rise?

It’s just something to consider when stating that INFJ’s are so very rare so all those people who think they might be INFJ must be wrong. . .

#INFJ #mbti types #mbti personality types #infj personality #infj problems #infj philosophy #midlifecrisis

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neyla9 · 6 years

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Cipher’s House: Fallen Star Chapters 20-22

Ao3 Version

I think I’ve gone insane. There is no way this place can be real… No, I have to stay strong. My brother is trapped somewhere here, and if I don’t find him… I won’t even think about what might happen to both of us…

Mabel ran. At that point, it was all she could do. She had to find Cipher’s room so she could finish her deal with Saki. Then, she’d find her brother, somehow, and they’d escape this living hell.

When she arrived at a staircase, she leaned against the railing for a moment, trying to catch her breath, before proceeding to climb the stairs. She came face to face with a door; it looked so much different from all the other doors, like it didn’t belong in this hotel. It was made from dark, almost black wood, and it lacked a number plaque, instead it just had some weird pattern carved into it.

Mabel carefully opened the door, poking her head inside. Inside was a short hallway, three doors on each side, with the hallway ending in a final seventh door. The seventh door had a golden pattern similar to the one she had just gone through. It only made sense that the souls would be hidden behind that door, so Mabel ran to it, trying to open it, only to find it locked. She heard footsteps from behind the door; they sounded panicking. She then heard the sound of someone running up the stairs.

Panicking, Mabel ran to one of the other doors, ripped it open, and hid inside, praying that whoever was coming wouldn’t find her.

Luckily, she heard the footsteps walk right past her and open what she was pretty sure was the door she had tried to open.

“Is everything alright!?” she could hear a muffled voice ask; it sounded worried, scared even. She couldn’t hear the response, but it didn’t seem to soothe the other person’s worries. “What?!” they exclaimed.

There was the sound of another door opening, and someone else speaking; “It was me, Bill. I wanted to give you an important message, and I thought you were in your room.”

“Well? What is it?” the first speaker asked, and now that Mabel knew it was Bill, she felt even more scared than before; she seriously doubted Bill would forgive her for breaking into what appeared to be his home.

“Our guest decided to leave,” the other person said. “Guess she gave up on finding her brother.”

“What!?” Bill exclaimed. Mabel could faintly hear someone respond to his outburst, but it seemed to be the person who had been in the room Mabel tried to break into; the one Mabel couldn’t clearly hear. “Will, keep Pine Tree in your room; guard him with your life. If anything happens to him while I’m gone…”

He didn’t finish his sentence, but even Mabel could feel his threatening gaze. There were more sounds of footsteps along with more doors opening and closing. Mabel waited for a couple of seconds with bated breath before she dared to go back into the hallway.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The hallway was abandoned once again. I don’t know who the two people Cipher spoke to was, but… One of them was either seriously misinformed or, the somehow more likely solution, they covered for me…

Mabel decided to try the door she had originally wanted to go through; it was no longer locked and, as she poked her head inside, it was empty. The room was golden and black in color, and basically looked like a normal bedroom; a very fancy and expensive bedroom to be fair, but still. There was a king-sized bed, a violin lying on said bed, a dresser, a desk and office chair, both of which was covered in papers and documents, in front of the door was a big mirror, a low table underneath it, with two ceramic pots growing flowers; the room was also decorated with some potted plants. Cipher hadn’t seemed like the caring type of guy, but maybe he acted differently to plants than his hotel guests.

She walked over to the desk and began to look through the various papers; at first she was curious what they were, but then she realized that they were all related to the hotel. There were work schedules, lists of activities and arrangements, maintenance notes; they looked like they could have belonged to a normal hotel. Then, after digging through various notes, she found stacks of papers that were different; they looked almost like… police files or public records.

The first one she picked up had a picture of a young man with a strained smile. Then there were pages on pages describing what appeared to be his life, specifically how he had been verbally abused by his mother for playing with dolls, how that had led to issues socializing with others, how that had turned him into a hermit, and so on, escalating until the last page described how he, in a fit of rage, had murdered his mother by stabbing her repeatedly with a knife, then attempted to… sew her back together, and when it didn’t work, the file simply said: “He could no longer face reality.”

Mabel looked through some of those other files, and they were all the same; from early childhood they would describe how certain events led to others, eventually escalating to some kind of tragedy, and then ending with the words saying that they “could no longer face reality”.

She clutched her head in her hands. What did all of this mean? Who were these people? How did Cipher have such detailed files on their lives? And why did they all end the same way?

It was then that Mabel spotted another file, hidden between the various papers strewn about. She could only see part of the picture poking out, but there was no doubt about it; that was a picture of her. She hesitated for a moment, but forced herself to pick up the file and read it.

It had her name, her age, her birth date. It detailed how she and her brother had been friends since they were born. How they had always considered each other their best friend. How Dipper had excelled in school, and Mabel had grown jealous. How said jealousy had caused her to seek away from her brother, getting new friends. How when Dipper had begun to struggle in school, Mabel had been secretly happy. How Mabel had still tried to help her brother, but had eventually given up and convinced herself that her brother was just lazy and didn’t try hard enough. How she had abandoned her brother when he needed her the most to pursue her own social life. How her brother had stopped answering her scarce phone calls and messages after his exam. How after he came back, he got his grades back, and learned he had failed. How Mabel had told him to just try harder. How her brother had gone quiet once again. How a suicide note had been found in his dorm room. The file ending such: “Realizing she had caused her brother’s death, she could no longer face reality.”

Mabel let go of the file. It had been right. Mabel couldn’t deny it any longer. She knew now why she was in this hotel, and why she was being tormented like this; she had killed her brother. She curled into a ball on the chair and started rocking herself back and forth, crying softly.

“Are you really gonna give up like that?” a voice asked from behind her. Mabel turned around and almost screamed at who she thought was Bill, but she realized it wasn’t Bill, just someone who looked a lot like him.

“Who are you?” Mabel asked, drying away a tear.

“My name is Will,” he responded. “You know now why you’re here?” he nodded towards the various papers and files.

“Because I killed my brother,” Mabel sobbed.

“No!” Will shouted. “Come on! It literally says it in every single file!”

Mabel blinked her tears away, mostly because sorrow was getting replaced with confusion.

Will picked up Mabel’s file, which was still on the last page, and used a finger to underline the last sentence.

“I can’t… face reality?”

“You couldn’t face the fact that your brother was dead,” Will confirmed. “But it seems like you’re able to now, which is… interesting.” He got a pondering look on his face.

“I need to know one thing,” she paused and tried to brace herself for the answer. “Did my brother ever… end up here?”

“… Yes,” Will responded. “I actually thought he’d be the first to escape, but… he came back. And now, he’s dead.”

“So… he came back because he couldn’t face reality either,” Mabel nodded to herself. Now she knew what had happened to her brother; after everyone, including Mabel, had pushed him away, he had decided he would rather return to the hotel and die there, than face reality.

“Don’t blame yourself,” Will said and put a comforting hand on her shoulder. “This hotel has taken so many souls; it’s to blame.”

“No,” Mabel shook her head and stepped away from Will. Her voice was hoarse with emotions, but her expression was steadfast and stern. “I am not going to lie to myself any longer. If I had been a better sister, my brother wouldn’t have died. But that doesn’t mean this place doesn’t share some of the blame. I am going to leave this place, but not before I destroy it, so it can never hurt anyone again.”

“Wow,” Will looked at her in shock, but slowly a smile crept on to his face. “Yes,” he nodded. “That could work… In one of the hotel’s hallways, there’s a jar containing The Eternal Flame. If you let it lose, it can burn down the entire hotel. But you have to promise to never return to hotel, otherwise it won’t work.”

“Okay, but first, I have one last piece of unfinished business; Saki saved my life, and in exchange I promised to bring her one of Cipher’s souls… Also, how do I find that Eternal Flame?”

“Follow me,” Will led her out of the room and through another door, which led to an enormous room filled with shelves upon shelves of jars with different colored lights inside. Will surveyed them before grabbing one and rearranged the others, so that it was less obvious one had been taken. “Here.”

Will handed Mabel the jar. “Give this one to Saki. And don’t worry about finding her or The Eternal Flame; this hotel has a habit of showing people exactly what they want to see…”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I know now why I’m here. I can choose to either give up and receive my punishment for letting my brother die, or I can make sure that no one will ever suffer because of this hotel, again.

Wandering through the hallways, it didn’t take long before Mabel arrived at a hotel door different from the others; like the door to Cipher’s home, it lacked a number plaque and was also more fancy than the other doors, albeit not to the same degree as Cipher’s.

Mabel knocked on the door and it didn’t take long before it opened. Saki’s head poked out and, as soon as she saw the jar with the soul, she snatched it out of Mabel’s hands and popped opened the lid.

“Oh! I’ve waited so long for this,” she said with an almost orgasmic delight. She plucked the soul out of the jar using her thumb and forefinger, and proceeded to lick and suck on it while making obscene sounds.

“Um… I’m just gonna go now,” Mabel said and began to shuffle away.

“Mhm, sure,” Saki nodded between her moans and headed back inside her room. Mabel wondered how long that soul would even last…

As Mabel began to traverse the hallways once more, hoping to find that Eternal Flame that Will had mentioned, she heard that familiar song from behind her, slowly getting louder; “Do you know who I am? They call me Judgement Boy~”

#billdip #cipher's house #cipher's house au

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mirceakitsune · 4 years

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Aryion (Eka's Portal) is now purging users over COVID discussion

Some important clarification before we begin: I wanted this journal to be less of a mad rant and more of a much needed discussion, thus I'll be more calm and rational unlike my previous rants. I wasn't sure if I was going to talk about this but I felt I needed to, both to get it off my chest and to try sparking some debate over what the hell is going on on this planet. Please read and share this one especially if you care for freedom to speak. My goal isn't to point fingers at the website over how I was treated, but to raise awareness and address what's happening online and offline alike. I'll try to be balanced and describe what happened accurately, though of course this represents my own perspective.

Two days ago I was shocked by a completely unexpected decision by the admin of Eka's Portal to permanently ban me from the platform, after over 10 years of being an active user who never even dreamed of starting trouble there. It followed a blog I posted in the night of Joe Biden's inauguration. The reason for my ban wasn't any of the harsh things I said about that, despite my journal being a rather heated rant on society and politics: It came from one obscure sentence in the middle of the post, in which my only crime was to use the term "imaginary deadly pandemic". If anyone finds this surprising you read correctly: It was confirmed to be the cause, I was not informed of any other reason except for that particular sentence. To the satisfaction of those who see me as a heretic, I've been depressed baffled and even more deep in thought after this happened out of nowhere: It's a community I cared a lot about, followed art and spoke with friends on, and there are both artists I watched there and friends I spoke to who I may not be able to find elsewhere. Despite explaining this as well as what I'll say below to the admin, I'm still seen as someone who committed a capital crime by using those words; I won't reveal exact details from a private discussion without permission, but will say I felt addressed as someone who just committed a murder for which I'm irredeemable and deserve to be hung at the gallows.

Before I proceed let's clarify some things. First of all I don't deny that COVID exists in some form and there is some kind of pandemic going on; I didn't use the term "imaginary pandemic" but rather "imaginary DEADLY pandemic" as my intent was to address the apocalyptic hysteria surrounding this flu. I think anyone, especially among those who have doubts about what's happening, could easily find themselves using such a choice of words... I understand they weren't accurate and ideal, but they were no obscene crime that should terrify anyone in such a way nor warrant such an extreme reaction. I also shouldn't need to explain that a vent journal is something you write in a moment of distress to calm down: It's not a moment when people use the best choice of words and will carefully read everything they say before they say it, which to my knowledge isn't considered a crime and is something people generally do. Needless to say that sentence was in no way intended to tell people to do anything: In no form did I suggest anyone to not wear a mask, even to not get that vaccine despite having huge concerns about it and expressing them indirectly. The actual discussion was about the way COVID was added on top of racial justice as a means of dividing people between good and bad while controlling them through fear. Despite this I was accused of "spreading misinformation", a term that's recently become popular and is used to shut down people who have different opinions from the mainstream. I pledged that if I were unbanned, I would cease all social and political discussion on the site, to prevent any risk of such a thing happening again... despite even this I'm still considered someone who's sole purpose was to spread disinformation, despite such discussion taking place in secondary journals while my main reason for being there was community related stuff.

This event was a self fulfilling prophecy, which exemplified exactly the things I've been ranting about like a madman for the past months, which many surely thought I was exaggerating with: The rise of radicalism fueled by fear... which first started with things like racial justice or child safety, and is now doubled down by this pandemic story. Whether or not COVID-19 really is a public health crisis in secondary plane, what it is first and foremost is a social and political crisis! A rift is growing even faster dividing people between two categories: The chad mainstreamist who follows the science and is politically correct and a responsible citizen, versus the virgin conspiracist who thinks people in powerful positions aren't always right and is a fascist for disagreeing with what the mainstream declared is truth or justice. The first category has every social right that's still available to the general population, while the second needs to be "socially exterminated" because their beliefs make them a danger to others; You no longer matter as a person, the only thing that matters is if you're on our side or not! This is what's now being implemented by those who not long ago preached tolerance and being decent toward others no matter their beliefs.

COVID brought an existing freedom of speech crisis to a new level: We're at the stage where addressing a flu by the wrong pronouns can get you removed from a community you've been with for a third of your life. And I know what many will say: A private entity censoring you isn't the same thing as the government doing it. Which I fully agree with, government regulation is by far the scariest beast here! However this doesn't mean it's not a problem at all... it's a very big problem as many of us are recently learning: Literally anything you say, no matter how random or seemingly insignificant, puts you at great risk... to the point where it's practically unsafe to have any social conversation in any community you care about unless you're carefully going to say what everyone likes to hear. This is absolutely unhealthy, we live in a sick world and barely anyone even notices it... one that has NOTHING to do with the way I imagined modern society even 5 years ago let alone as I grew up. It's an unimaginable regression back into 1930's - 1960's era strictness: This is no free world, it's an "everyone in line" type of strict that mirrors Chinese if not North Korean mentality and social design, this abomination is a parody of hell itself.

I predict no one will escape being affected unless something is done to change course immediately. Certain people seem to think that because they're on the "good side" it's someone else's problem, only those who disagree with them have to suffer which is great from their perspective. Remember that the world is changing: Today the planet freaks out over COVID or racism... eventually those things will go away, and in their place new ones will be added by those who enjoy or need division: Racism will be replaced with some other ism... once people get bored of fearing COVID or everyone becomes immune to it, the medical industry will likely identify the new most aggressive virus in circulation and continue the trend with that... it's possible that entirely new controversies we can't even imagine now will be put in circulation. At some point it's going to be something you too no longer agree with: Once you dare to speak incorrectly of what the world decided, you'll be the next to see what it's like to be this lesser person who everyone treats like a leper that's plaguing others. Will you shut up and pretend to agree with everyone even if you don't, fearing that if you're outed as a "disagreer" you'll be the next to go?

Back to the issue at hand, from a perspective on how the internet works: Many people, including the creator of the practical internet Tim Berners Lee, agree that entities have too much power over individuals. If Google or Facebook or Twitter don't like you, you will be shut down and told to find another platform to migrate to, ignoring the fact that they're in limited supply and all suffer from the same issues often using the same criteria. Fandoms such as furries or vore fans suffer from this too at a smaller scale: If Dragoneer or someone he appointed moderator are having a bad day, good luck finding each of your favorite artists there on another art site... a problem that may be worse on Eka's Portal as it's also a big community but ran more directly by one admin, who in the past I praised but can now see their judgment is unbalanced and bound to harm some users. To me this indicates the internet was poorly designed... which makes some sense since until 5 years ago no one thought the web would need to resist an ideological onslaught that will infiltrate every community and make one half of the world turn against the other. For a long time I've dreamed of building a fully decentralized platform, which could act as both an art gallery and an alternative to Youtube and forums. Unfortunately I don't have the knowledge nor energy to make such a thing, though this experience has me thinking back to that plan... I should leave this one up to a future journal.

I feel like saying more but am unsure what I could possibly say any more. At this point part of me wants to go in full isolation: I expect this sort of thing to keep happening, and until it starts affecting even more people the majority won't realize how bad it's getting. I don't know to what extent I even want to create content any more... for who am I creating it, how worth it is the effort spend on every project, where can I even safely post it any more? I need to keep my Patreon going, but even there I barely make any income, and as of this month I can no longer use the money anyway since Payoneer is being a pest about agreeing to send a new card. I'll be honest: Part of me wants to try and end it again, you can't understand how much... I won't because I know it's wrong, plus I live with my mother who I don't want to put through more hardships. Some of us weren't meant to live on this world, I can tell you all this for a fact. If I had any idea it would be like this I'd have refused to be born on this Earth and experience this life even if it meant fighting the gods themselves! This world is irredeemable, I don't see it ever coming back from the low it's fallen to... if another giant meteor hit it would truly be an act of mercy to all.

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