#but theres a Very Obvious Bias he will get. and he will just say or do things that make others double take like

[trainingdummyrabbit]

Muichiro 3, 4 and 12 for the ask game :>

goooood morning! hell yeahg.

3) A song that reminds me of them

sugar song to bitter step. yknow, that one anime ed. ohhh my god the minute i put it together it was All i could think about for Days. its. on my animatic list actually.. (which like, no promises but his birthday IS coming up...)

4) How many people I ship them with

uhhhhhhh none, really! because--

12) Sexuality hc!

aspec mui propaganda! greyaro+ace, specifically. i definitely dont Mind a lot of the ships i see commonly w him (re: genya and tanjiro, theyre very cute!) but... i just dont see any romantic context with him, with anyone really! a lot of his arc feels very personal, to him specifically i mean, in that a lot of it is focused on how He feels and that happiness that He wants-- which makes it feel that much more important that he just... Gets It. he feels like he understands himself, and that, genuinely, he Is happy with those he's around-- in the way that they are around each other. does that make sense? basically, when he's around others, he feels very self-assured. i cant really explain it well (because i personally cant explain it being aspec myself WAHAHA) but he just. he just Is! and i think he's happy with that. like... theres definitely Something going on re: him and gen and tan, but i cant say i think its Romance (whether its because we just dont see as much of them casually as we could or for whatever other reason.) like... they feel like they Go Together, inherently, 'obviously', and . the more i think about it the more i think i might just interpret them as some sort of qpr or something actually. like not quite, but . i cant explain, just. hang on.

yeah.

[lokh]

what do you think toshiro's version of laios would've been like if he was still with the group during the shapeshifter shenanigans

there have been a few speculations in the tag and among the fans and they are all very good SO i am going to take this opportunity to insert a bit of my shipping bias as i like in my interpretation LMAO agdsfgdfgv

i noted that in actuality shuro seems to have a very good grasp on laios' character??? this is most obvious in the manga later on but even seeing how he criticises laios in their fight... iirc nothing he says is actually untrue or wildly exaggerated, and while he does express frustration over something he feels like laios Should have control over (noticing his cues), he is also aware that laios isnt being malicious and that hes Just Like That. what i mean to say is that while i think his version of laios may seem more pushy and in-your-face, i dont think it will be overwhelmingly so. if its post-fight, i think the idea of laios (and marcille) being willing to do anything to get falin back made a big impression on him, as well as the idea that they need to eat and rest in order to succeed in their goals, so those aspects would be prominent in his version. he seems pretty observant, so i think for the most part the physical traits would line up, but i think there would be specific things that stand out to him that would appear strangely striking on his version of laios (like. idk something about his eye colour or the subtle contrast of his armour and chainmail. he seems to have a weird sense of aesthetics if extras are anything to go by lmao). if hed actually been paying attention all those times laios had gone on about what the hell ever, then it might be even MORE hard to tell apart his version since he would also have a good grasp on what laios should know. so either his version of laios is pretty difficult to pick out, OR despite the character being accurate his appearance is too. stylised lmao (exaggerated features or something) OR!! they just get him to pull out his monster gourmet guide thing and are able to tell from there. iirc everyone was surprised at its appearance so its possible toshiro had also never seen it before

IN MY IMAGINARY SHIPPING SCENARIO............ lets say that his laios isnt able to be picked out immediately and that the monster guide thing also doesnt immediately occur to anyone. what the real laios Specifically notices is how close this other laios keeps getting to shuro. and hes like. ??? why is he getting so close to him, theres no way i get that close to him??? but no one else seems to be picking up on it as weird, so hes having a small crisis like do i REALLY get that close to him???? and now that hes on the outside he notices shuro subtly leaning away and he feels both a wave of shame and..... protectiveness??? (JEALOUSY??????) and he immediately steps in and grabs him like Hey!!! cant you see hes uncomfortable???? weve been through this already!!! and like. ok i cant believe im doing this again but i need to separate this into different endings

a) the whump route: i dont think shuro ever envisioned Actually Telling laios about his frustrations outside of being basically cornered into it. has he ever spoken up against what was expected of him?? has he ever been confrontational???? i think part of what held him back from expressing his frustrations, along with the cultural norms, could be fear of what the reaction would be. if he had done the same in any other aspect of his life (his family, his inheritance), i think he would expect disappointment, disapproval, more proof that he doesnt add up to expectation. to be honest i dont think he Truly believes that laios is the type of person to react like this. but it was strong enough to prevent him from acting and i think would be projected onto his image of laios. maybe fake!laios says something dismissive like Well if it really bothered him hed say something right? what, he cant even stand up for himself? cmon, shuro, prove that you cant handle it just like everything else. and thats pretty much the fastest giveaway that it isnt really laios. of course this would be a HUGE tonal departure from what the actual episode/chapter was, so:

b) the dumbass route: both laioses break into fisticuffs, and, yes.... barking. and so they speedrun the entire encounter as the shapeshifters true form appears and, after laios points out that thinking too hard about others versions of you can tear apart groups and peace of mind, they pointedly do not speak of it again. they think about it though. a LOT

c) the normal route: both laioses argue normal like and the group ends up being able to tell them apart because the fake laios goes on a little too long about how theyre all here for falin and everyones like ok its not like he DOESNT love his sister but.......... the rest of the scenario probably goes like canon, though then i would want to see what everyone Else thought of shuro

[ultimateloserboy]

do yall ever think about how duck has a very obvious bias towards red guy that he doesn’t have for anyone else? duck was following along with the electricity thing until red guy was like “hey youre not plugged in” and then duck IMMEDIATELY agreed with him. duck is a very selfish character and always thinks that he (and only he) is right about everything, but this doesnt apply to red guy for some reason. red guy is the only person duck will ever hear out. even when duck disagrees with him he isnt as harsh on red guy as he would be to anyone else. in the transport episode for example, duck very much DID NOT want to go anywhere. he argued, sure, but in the end he let red guy use the car with him in it. duck would not do that shit for anyone else. if anyone else was driving that car and he didnt want to go, he would be shattering windows to get out. duck doesnt do things that he doesnt want to do, unless its for red guy, and then hes angry about it but he does it anyway. is he annoying about it? yes. but he still let red guy drive him. and that says a lot about how biased he is.

my favorite example of this is in the friendship episode when red guy says “you said you weren’t going to talk to him like that anymore” which implies that at some point, DUCK, THE BIGGEST STUBBORN ASS ON THE PLANET, had a discussion with red guy and agreed to not make fun of yellow guy anymore. did he follow through? no, but just the fact that he agreed in the first place is astounding. he wouldnt do that for anyone but red guy. and then later he says “dont turn on me” in response to red guy scolding him which isnt very relevant i just think its really funny. theyre a gayass old married couple but i digress

anyway, i think its interesting that red guy makes duck a slightly better person. red guy isnt a good person either but hes on the better end compared to duck and sometimes he drags duck up to his level. red guy might be a bit of an ass but hes easily redeemable, and by slightly bettering duck, he doesnt make duck a good person, but he does make duck more redeemable. basically he gets duck closer to being a good person.

i like the reflection of this too, because duck makes red guy an even worse person. red guy is also very easily swayed by duck. sometimes he’ll scold duck into being slightly better, but sometimes duck will persuade him into being worse, and it all depends on how theyre feeling in the moment. the biggest example of this is in the bigger boys room. the red guy we usually see would normally discourage duck from torturing the little blob thing, and even if our duck might not be against it, hed be less inclined to go along with it if red guy disagreed. however both of the big boys could not care less, theyre bored and have nothing to do but jab shit into their experiment thing. red guy doesnt care what duck does anymore. and dont get me wrong, saying its ducks fault that red guy became like this is taking away his responsibility. red guy became like this because he was already heading down that path himself. but i think its interesting that depending on whos persuading the other, they either get better or worse. it shows how theres good and bad in both of them. they effect eachother more than people think, and they probably dont even realize it.

[sueske]

re the naruto peeping thing. honestly i dont consider any of his behaviour regarding that canon in shippuden. it just feels like a cheap joke rehash since naruto is jirayas student so surely he taught him that and naruto is a pervert now. i wont deny it might just be my bias but it just feels ooc to me? like theres also that scene where both naruto and then sakura make that AWOOGA horny face over konohamarus sexy jutsu and it feels so. like its not funny its just ooc cringe. naruto strikes me as way too focused on familial love and gaining power to be interested in that?

Just because someone is focused on familial bonds and getting stronger doesn't mean they can't also be interested in other types of love and/or sexual attraction. Also Kishimoto did write the scene so it is canon, you can't pick and choose, however it does feel off doesn't it? that's because of what kishimoto had already established. So what we can do is examine this scene and see how it fits into the wider narrative and what we know about naruto's character in regards to women. he's not written like a pervert student like his pervert teacher. I'll try to summarise as best I can.

So from part 1 naruto has this sexy jutsu whereby he transforms into the female version of himself. it's not very imaginative if we compare it to konohamaru's own version later on but the point is, naruto does that jutsu and the men around him get affected by it, they get nosebleeds and/or faint. after finding out that haku was a man, naruto notes that he looked cuter than sakura. When naruto trains with jiraiya and jiraiya peeps on the women in the bath, naruto tells him off. Says that at naruto's age it can be construed as mischievousness but at jiraiya's it's just creepy. but naruto has no interest in doing it himself at all. He tells jiraiya the three shinobi prohibitions (alcohol, women, money) don't really apply to him.

then he goes training with jiraiya during the timeskip whereby jiraiya forces him to be a beta reader for his porn novels. When naruto comes back and sakura asks him if she looks womanly with her coy pose and expression, naruto tells her that she looks just the same and jiraiya thinks in his mind that naruto doesn't understand women or smth like that I don't remember the exact quote. anw this is pervy sage's comment about naruto after spending so much time with him. This is coming from JIRAIYA himself. Naruto gives that icha icha book to kakashi and tells him that he can't really understand the appeal. great. When kakashi tells naruto that he's starting to like him, naruto gave a super overblown reaction, to which kakashi was like: not in that way. When konohamaru shows naruto and co the version of the sexy jutsu Konahamaru worked on, he made them different and unlike just a female version of himself. Naruto looks excited but to me I read it as excitement at konohamaru developing the jutsu further, especially since konohamaru does the sasuke x sai jutsu immediately after which makes sakura get a nosebleed, which is what Kishimoto uses to denote sexual arousal with this jutsu. So naruto didn't get a nosebleed to the women sexy jutsu which was very deliberate on Kishimoto's part, so to me it seemed he just looked excited at the jutsu's development. It can also be seen as naruto trying to 'fit in' with others, I mean common if kishimoto didn't give naruto some type of reaction when everyone else did in the context of that scene, it would be too obvious. so he has to show it more softly, in details, like nosebleeds. chapter 347? was a wild ride from start to finish, go read it, it was a very 'sexual' chapter, see how kishimoto sets it up not only for naruto, but for sasuke as well. read it and tell me that wasn't deliberate LOL. Anw Kakashi didn't get a nosebleed either as far as I remember (but he has a mask), however when the leaf team was trying to uncover the meaning behind jiraiya's code during the pain arc and he had to read the icha icha book out loud, he got flustered. Even lazy boi 2000 mr shikamaru Nara was like -.-. naruto was just like get on with it.

Now we get a scene whereby naruto teaches konahamaru about a 'cool new jutsu' and naruto is talking about things like 'volume' etc which konohamaru immediately thinks of how that applies to women and the sexy jutsu. Meanwhile naruto is just talking about the rasengan. Kishimoto is obviously contrasting konohamaru's thoughts/actions with naruto's, whereby konohamaru, even being younger than naruto, has the interest to develop the sexy jutsu by making the women different etc, and even when he thinks about the cool jutsu naruto is talking about, konohamaru still applies it to women. Meanwhile naruto practiced the reverse harem jutsu more than the rasengan, which is interesting considering the implications of that. He already knows how to do shadow clones. He already knows how to transform. So why did he practice it more than the rasengan? What was he practicing? Was he researching the ideal man? Practicing crafting each one to perfection? This is very sus considering how this contrasts with konahamaru. I'll add on here that naruto didn't get a nosebleed at the sasuke x sai jutsu either, but common it's not like Kishimoto could write that in anyways, and naruto loves sasuke. he doesn't see him as this sexual object that sakura sees him as.

So considering all the above why would it make sense for naruto to peep in that scene with yamato and sai in the bath? It doesn't. I mentioned in that post that it was never really fully confirmed that peeping was naruto's intention, and that it foreshadows the explanation of the kyuubi attacking jiraiya scene in the comments. Also if we look at the context before the scene, naruto was smack in the middle of sai and yamato, look at his body language. He has his knees to his chest and is blushing more than the rest, you can't just blame the heat. He's uncomfortable for some reason.

Now naruto's crush for sakura is written quite interestingly and often is associated with sasuke, I'm not gonna talk about it here cuz I already spoke about it before and so did others, and it would warrant a post for itself. Maybe I'll do a long comprehensive one someday. As for Hinata, he just ignored her confession.

[gokartkid]

do you have any thoughts on the trend from some fic recently to always make alex "less than" his partner? he either retired early, gave up on karting, never raced, or any other scenario you can think of. it happens in aus too, where he's the failed artist or whatever. it seems very unfair given he's one of the most motivated drivers on the grid and reeks like implicit bias, but maybe i'm reading into it too much 🤷

omg i DO think about this all the time anon!!!! ur so smart. i will give my little thoughts. (under the cut, it got long lmfao)

i think there are a lot of things to consider here. theres the career based angle, where alex DID get dropped from rbr, spend a year out, come back in a williams, which surface level leads to this failed-at-something image right. i think that does lead to a (sad) characterisation that doesnt look at his motivations/drive like this is the guy that in F2 didnt know if hed be ABLE to race….literally race by race contract! he HAD to place. (and he did!) so that... for me, is important to remember when i write alex.

and then i think re: implicit bias, with how white f1/f1blr is i am always thinking about the white/non-white ship impacts.

it kind of gets meta because what we’re doing all the time is basing our portrayals off of the media that is portraying THEM right….  and its like if they are already approaching alex in a racially biased way (which: think the yuki effect of oh just a silly no commitment guy) (media is also rlly good at doing this in not-obvious ways if u are not looking for it) then obviously that trickles down into fic… inevitably! the media was incredibly cruel to alex when he was in rbr. compare that to georges williams-to-mercedes treatment, to charles in sauber and ferrari... yeah.

characterisation is never going to be perfect! its just fic! i think where it becomes dicey is if your characterisation relies on racial tropes that ur implicitly feeding into LIKE asian people not being seen as emotionally vulnerable compared to their white counterparts, like ignoring the ways that alex IS a very hard worker (think the spreadsheets! the amount of work he did as a reserve!) (what im rlly saying is taking a look at why you find a narrative of alex failing interesting, is not a bad thing. why is it not compelling to think of alex as the winner and the other person as the loser? etc.)

like for instance in chalex/galex/wotever alex ship, when its the other person being overly emotional, or needing emotional support, it is interesting! because why is alex the manic pixie dream girl esque guy? why is he the one fixing them/causing growth in them etc. at perhaps a lack of his own growth?

on a personal level, whenever i write alex i find it the most compelling if he IS at his low, of having maybe failed, right, but always paired with him working and striving towards something more, showing that he has that ability.

the tragedy isn't that he failed because of his OWN shortcomings, the tragedy is that he HAS what it takes and yet nothing aligned to allow him to show that.  

[localunovaenjoyer]

hello! ♡ my name's X or kaii, and this is my pokemon sideblog <3 here is my main.

about me:

he/they/void, genderfluid

canadian, learning jpn

yes i have adhd. yes i have autism. i know both are obvious :sob:

minor, please no nsfw

im a writer! here's my writing blog & my ao3! (theres nothing pokemon yet)

spontaneous activity, my fixation comes & goes. but my main has an updated list of my blogs if u really wanna find me elsewhere (i have too many)

i enjoy lots of other fandoms! kimetsu no yaiba/demon slayer, genshin impact, & team fortress 2 are just three of lots. (yeah ik 3 very vastly different things :sob:)

i run a pkmn rp blog! i might make more when im more comfy as a rper ^^

side note: i havent actually,, played any of the games, other than masters ex, but im reading pokemon adventures to make up for that. also i WILL talk about pokepastas here!!! so if thats not your thing this blog isnt for you!

dni: zionists, homophobes/transphobes, racists, xenophobes, anti-neoprns & xenogenders, just generally if ur an asshole. otherwise i block freely, dont take it personal

more non-essential info & credits under cut ♡

about my writing:

i write a lot of dark topics. a lot of my writing digs into mental health, psychological & body horror, as well as surrealism. big emphasis on horror. BIG EMPHASIS.

most of my stuff is fanfiction, and i try to stay true to canon, but my headcanons can & do leak through sometimes.

^ that said, i have an entire world consisted of original characters & worldbuilding that im working on. idk if ill be posting it any time soon but i think its worth mentioning ^-^

i use it as an outlet & coping mechanism, but my content definitely isn't for everyone. if youre ever interested in anything im writing, pleaseeee look at the trigger warnings because things can get heavy. theres a reason my twitter mutuals dont trust me with their faves lol

faves:

omg don't make me narrow this down..

um ok i rlly love bw and bw2. so incredibly attached. especially to black, lacktwo & n, my darlings. i have a massive unova bias ok

also calem/x (i call him calem more often) (yes i stole his name (x)) (i love bullying him in fanfics)

also red blue & green. & gold & silver. and will & morty.

GLADION

SCOTTIE, BETTIE, & PAULO. yes theyre from a spinoff game, NO i dont care!

fave pokepastas:

im saying this right now, hypnos lullaby is what got me into pokemon and you can Tell

ask any of my friends who my fave is and youll immediately get 3 words; grey & shinto.

also glitchy red, snow on mt silver, tarnished gold, lost silver, BLUE TEARS, & the vegetable moreep of kalos (underrated pasta go read it pretty pls)

you actually dont understand how much i love blue tears (im actually writing a 'parody' i guess? with my own spin) & grey

tags

♡ - [ x reblogs = reblogs

♡ - [ x's talks = regular posts

♡ - [ self-reblog = reblogging my own posts

♡ - [ pkmn posting = regular pkmn stuff

♡ - [ pkpasta posting = pokepasta stuff

i think thats it? i hope thats it! if i remember anything else ill add more! credits to cafekitsune for the dividers~! byebye ^-^

[apompkwrites]

thoughts thoughts so many thoughts

schoenheit!reader during vils overblot is probably like "wdym why is it never you ??? its always you?????? IM the one that never gets picked" bc man. imagine hearing your sibling go on and on about never being the hero / good guy while your over here like "well atleast you actually get attention."

tw for eating disorders ig?

also, schoenheit!reader developing an eating disorder bc of vils mentality to always be the fairest. like they get so insecure to the point where they starve themselves bc they think itll make them worthier.

theres just so many possibilities ,, is it obvious i was a bias for vil? LMAO

"well at least you're wanted" is also a thing that schoenheit!(name) would be thinking during vil's overblot. like, he's at least getting roles because people want him and just because he has the schoenheit name.

also, schoenheit!(name) very much looks up to vil so i don't think it's too far off to say that they would develop a type of ed to satisfy vil's requirements.

[jasmynekenma]

Teaching you

----❅----❅----❅----❅-

Warnings: SMUT, body touching, getting touched without permission, peeking tom!!, Punching in the stomach, humping, sex toys {if i miss any pls tell me thx ;) }

W/C: 4k (i did not expect it to be that much but oh well chap 4, W/C is 4k nice)

A/N notes:i swear that one part in bakugos basement reminds me of killing stalking but come on this man is rich af and has obvious good taste in furnishing, clothes etc. so theres no way the basement will look like plain ceramic boring place it's obviously well made fancy you know and he was born to be perfect i mean hes like beyond perfect already. Gosh i thought i couldnt finish this on time my work was pilling up and pls tell me i wanst the only who cried on S5 EP24 for bnha i forgot why but i remember one cause my dumbass thought abt the whole 1 week after ep23, i rly though ep24 was the last season like come on the animes i watch now adays are freaking only 12 eps, speaking of which im so hyped for kimitsu no yaiba.

Summary:You stood humming in response "i needa go now" you slink your bag in your shoulder facing the door "dont you want to change or something?"

"And why is that so?"

"Well you erm.." he pointed at your boobs wrigerling his brows, you look at the mirror behind you as your eyes widen your sport bra completely socked showing a better view of the shaped boobs, covering your chest you turn around you stared at bakugo angrily "is that why you kept starring ,the fuck is wrong with you?"

"If you want i can offer a ride home"

"In your dreams! Im not letting some pervert mafia man stare at my chest the whole ride" you spit out looking straight in his eyes. Bakugo scoof walking closer to you closing the gap in between you both in no time he grab your chin making you face him both your lips nearly touching each other you gulb still looking at him "pervert mafia man huh what a cruel way to describe me baby"

Chattering, coffee brewing,baby crying the smell of the delicious treats in Starbucks is just 'the buono gesture' "Y-N!" The staff called out your name walking up to the lady that handed you the drink, thanking her as you made your way through the crowded place. Sipping the drink you just got your eyes went wide open as your phone started bombarding you with tweets '#lalisa, lisa…' you smiled widely as your bias from blackpink finally released her solo songs. Thats when you were suddenly pulled by the waist bumping into the buff man "dumbass you got your shit now can we go or do you want to get hit by the bicycle" you looked at the cyclist that rode pass you and bakugo the person could barely be seen, looking back at bakugo your face started to heat up at how close he was to you pushing yourself backwards you spun around to hide your very obvious flustered face "yeah i was waiting for you to lead the way right!" You stumbled over your words a few times as you quickly walked forward "wrong way dumbass, car's that side" bakugo pointed the opposite direction you were going, turning around you speed walk pass him keeping your head low not wanting any more embarrassing things to happen. You watch as bakugo made a final turn into a nice modern mansion like house, you stared in awe at how amazingly how it looks, stunning or whatever you can only describe one word about perfect. "How much money did you stole for this", you heard bakugo scoff at you while reversing in his garage "i didn't steal shit i worked for it", you looked at him pushing one of your eye brow up "Earned?", "I work as a CEO in my mums fashion company" you nod as you watched bakugo turn off his music then his engine, you struggled with the heavy scissor door of bakugo's Lamborghini Aventador only to be helped by bakugo taking your starbucks drink from the cup holder you stepped out of the low build car. Stepping inside the modern house you analyze your surroundings that was literally sparkling into your eyes, "come on i don't have all they for you", "thought you say you were free as a bird today" leaping towards bakugo as he led you to the basement that was specifically made only for workouts. "Wait here ima get changed" you nod placing your sports bag by the side checking yourself out in the mirror, your black sports bra that perfectly cups your breast nicely and the tight leggings that shows off your ass.

"Well shall we?" A loud came from the door leading into the basement, you nod at bakugo taking another sip of your half filled drink, "we'll start by stretching" you watched as bakugo form a position as you mimic him placing your left arm to the right side and your right arm bending then doing the same for the other side, he reached for a 50kg dumbbell demonstrating doing a squat while both his hands held the dumbbell you watched as his arms flexed showing his muscular arm and veins. Your mind ran away thinking of dirty shit about his huge muscular arm, him picking you up so easily or even choking you with those- "oi stop spacing out take it and do the same" you blink the thoughts away taking the 20kg dumbbell from his hand, you spread your legs and lower yourself down carrying the dumbbell in between your thighs, you watch as his hand fell lightly to your inner thigh but not too close to your cunt- yeah… you blushed slightly at the contact with his warm hand on your clothed,"lower your body more you want to stretch this part"bakugo said lightly tapping your thigh, lowering your body you breathed in shakily as you felt the stretch on your thigh coming up abit not wanting to feel the pain. Bakugo sigh pushing you back down with his hands back on your thigh you hiss at the pain not able to go back up as he was too strong, after 20 secs of toture he asked you to bend forward to touch your toes. You felt his eyes wander on your ass he cleared his throat pushing you forward more "ow bastard that's too much" you shouted wingly fingers in the floor "you can take it idiot you need a proper stretch first or you aren't going to learn how to fight" you groan trying to relax you bet your leg is going to get cramp after this, bakugo massage you with his thumb where he place his hand on your back you can feel his cock in between your ass feeling yourself go wild again you tried distracting yourself looking up you see mirror reflecting you and bakugo it was so dang lewd -imagining bakugo humping his cock into your ass roughly both of moaning in pleasure- you slowly look at bakugo realising he was looking back at you he smirk at you, looking back down quickly you felt your pussy throb he isn't a mind reader is? He won't know what you were thinking about just now right?- the warm hands on and the heat in between your legs and bakugos turn cold going back up to your full height you turn around seeing bakugo hooking up the punching bag you slowly walked there with your jelly leg sweat dripping down your neck. "Watch carefully this where all the fun starts" bakugo said smirking at you, he made a few punches while pointing out what to do and not to while punching after a 5 more punches he let you try, forming your position in a fighting style you look at bakugo for approval following his body as he bend down correcting your legs, then moving back up "your hands what did i say about the hands?" You watched his annoyed face feeling guilty at the amount of time he had mentioned about it you look down totally forgetting about what was the correct way to place your hands feeling scared to know what will happen next you apologize quietly, will that even help? Is he going to hit you?, Bakugo watched as your body tensed up a little as your hands kept clenching and unclenching he sighed grabbing your thumb "don't place your thumb inside your fist if you do that you will get your thumb broken in no time" you nod placing your other thumb out of your fist.

You drop to your knees in defeat sweating furiously as catched your breath, bakugo sat in front of you passing you a cup of water your drink long ago finished you chucked it down into your mouth thanking him "didn't know you will be that rusty", "is that supposed to be compliment or insult?" You questioned searching around in your bag for your towel you remember you brought it along or did you not? You groan taking another big sip of the water "an insult i guess" his smirking never leaving you, feeling his eyes not on yours and maybe on your boobs? Probably a boob obsessed person you shrug it off wanting to go home quickly to have a refreshing showing to get rid of this annoying stickiness. You stood humming in response "i needa go now" you slink your bag in your shoulder facing the door "dont you want to change or something?"

"And why is that so?"

"Well you erm.." he pointed at your boobs wrigerling his brows, you look at the mirror behind you as your eyes widen your sport bra completely socked showing a better view of the shaped boobs, covering your chest you turn around you stared at bakugo angrily "is that why you kept starring ,the fuck is wrong with you?"

"If you want i can offer a ride home"

"In your dreams! Im not letting some pervert mafia man stare at my chest the whole ride" you spit out looking straight in his eyes. Bakugo scoof walking closer to you closing the gap in between you both in no time he grab your chin making you face him both your lips nearly touching each other you gulb still looking at him "pervert mafia man huh what a cruel way to describe me baby" your face flushed red at the nickname feeling his hands ride up your spine making you shiver "i-im no ones baby" you stature pushing bakugo backwards as hard as you can but it was no use, bakugo chuckled teasingly looking at your chest "really? Cause the way you looked at me the second we enter my house says it all"

"Thats just bulshit now fuck off you stupid pervert" you threw punches into his buff chest, no use again he smirked leaning in closer into your neck brushing your smooth hair pulling the tie down as you felt your hair fell to its original form you wince at the pain as he took a hand full of your hair pulling it down, fantasie one checked, he inhaled your scent smiling against your skin you shivered gripping his shirt as you closed your eyes, biting your lips to keep in your moan feeling him breath against your sensitive neck, "so fucking sweet" he growled into your ears "Can you please stop" he sighed stepping back chuckling raising his hands up in defeat, “im..heading home” you stuttered while making your way out of the basement hearing bakugo’s bare foot follow closely to you behind not long after walking up orange stairs feeling like it was like another as your legs still felt jelly from just now. Hearing something jingle you look behind you seeing bakugos hand busy holding a car key most likely the same one for the lambo you sat in just now. “You dont need to drive me home” you said bluntly “huh are you still thinking about what happened back there” you see his lips slowly turn into a smirk “i just need to go to a few places, im running low on food!” you shouted back not wanting him to think of such ideas. “My god chillax im not deaf like i said im free as a bird today so allow me to drive you to the places you need to go just wait in the car for me will ye?”he said handing you the car key, you hesitated abit but allowed him to do so humming in response you took the key from his hand “good girl” by the time you heard that you had closed the door behind you leaving yourself flush red again making your way to the garage you press the button on the wall hearing the garage door open, you press the button on the car key hearing the car roar you cringe at loud revving from the car while you struggled opening the scissors door.

You watch as bakugo easily open the heavy scissors door on th drivers sides tossing a black hoodie to you “i thought this would helpful to cover your chest” you look at the hoodie seeing a white skull in the middle of it putting on the fluffy hoodie you could smell the burnt caramel scent that was on the hoodie you didnt know to describe it, it was nice? Addictive? , it makes you melt in the smell it smelt so familiar where was it from? Where was it from you repeated in your mind remembering the scene back in the basement the smell when bakugo was close up to you his aromatic smell it was him all him. “DUMBASS!?” you jumped slightly giving a huh “fucking finally how long are you going to stare in space before you answer my goddam question” feeling guilty for spacing out you played with the sleeve of his hoodie that you were wearing “sorry you were asking?” he sighed pinching the brick of his nose “where to?”

Grabbing the trolley you worked your way to the shelves not needing to read the signs as you came here countless of times, even the workers recognizes you. Analyzing the vegetables to check for any worms you shake the package to ensure there isnt any moving on to buy meat, yogurt and no way you could forget your best of the best friend that help you out when you still cry over your stupid ex picking up the cold cartton of the ice cream flavoured cookies and cream finally some chips, “you done picking yet?” turning around seeing a angry blonde pushing the trolley “why you getting bored already?”, “nah just hungry” you hum picking up the grapes “oh i remembered that theres a new cafe that just opened a few days ago we can have a small bite there if you want?” “sure but its on you” “what!- ouh whatever lets go im done here.” you guys headed to cashier counter to pay “evening nicole” you greeted the cashier taking out your groceries to put it on the conveyor belt bakugo helping out with the other ones too. “Gahh Y/N youre back from your ‘vacation’ so hows work?” you silently laugh at her exaggeration “same old same old is your throat getting better?” you hear the beeb sound seeing her scan the barcodes on the groceries “yes doc im doing much better that i can literally sing flawlessly again, and woo look who finally found a boyfriend ill be damned blind if i said he wasn't handsome ” you blush a little at the thought about you guys being a couple you were about to respond when you felt a hand on your shoulder “we sure are together right baby” you look up seeing his teasing face you rolled your eyes playing it off you bop his nose “we sure are a cute couple dont yah think” you laughed when a light tint of pink form on his cheeks. “Well at least you finally found someone you are getting old” “ouchh nicole that hurts to hear” you playfully said sliding your credit card on the payment terminal, you grab the plastic bags that has your weeks long of food bakugo helped with the other ones too you waved goodbye to nicole making your way out, back to the car to place your groceries you hear bakugo pop the frunk up placing the groceries in.

“Dammit theres a long queue urgh i guess we need to wait” you said in frustration “like you said dumbass is a new cafe” you look through the sparkling glass window seeing the tables all full, delicious cakes,waffles, and so much more delightful pastries you continue familiarizing the aesthetically build cafe when you were pushed lightly the shoulder thinking it was you tried punching where ever spots you could hit landing a hit on a small stomach “what do you want man-”hearing a girl yelp in pain you turn fully to see who exactly it was, fuck it was the waitress, “wtf is wrong with you!” you could hear bakugo laughing hard at you, giving him a death glare to shut up you turn back to face the waitress you patted her softly to ease the pain and repeatedly apologizing, passersby’s were staring at you, people in queue stared at you too, feeling a little stress out by the way you were having everyones attention you cheered in your mind that the waitress did not took long to recover from your punch “fucking hell Y/N” feeling your eyes went wide you couldnt believe seeing your bestfriend working here “JAS!?! What are you doing here?” you screamed not believing you just coincidentally met your best friend. “Well my pay at the hospital wasnt high enough so i needed more and bam this new place was hiring so you know here i am” you knit your brows “too low” jasmyne glance pass you seeing the line going further than just now “ye ill tell you later got to do mah job now” you grab her apron she was wearing over her work attire stop her in her tracks “can you maybe let us skip the queue?” both her hands flew up pointing her thumb and pointy finger straight in a gun manner she whispered ‘i gotcha yah’ you push bakugo that was using his phone following jasmyne you walked beside her “looks like you got yourself a date, hes so fucking hot girl! I bet he can gives the best fuck probally his length is long~ and wide~” you bumb into her playfully laughing at her horny words as usual, feeling yourself heat up again at the thought of bakugos big fat length railing hard into you, you turn around making sure he couldnt hear what you said nor read your mind. Sitting in the white circle arm rest chair you look in the menu landing your eyes on {favourite dessert and a hot beverage} you closed the book seeing bakugo was done too and had already signalled the waitress. After placing both your orders you check for any notifications glancing to check the time at the same time “who was that?”

“Oh Jasmyne? Shes a colleague my work shes the first to come up to me when i started working at the hospital” bakugo nod in respond not asking any further

The sound of plastics filled the kitchen “right thats all im leaving” you placed the new groceries in their respectively places in the fridge “yep thx bakugo, erm whens our next training?”, “when youre free just text me” the last sound you heard was the door closing your house was quite yet again. You walk into your room placing your sports bag on the floor and started changing into a much comfortable clothes looking at the hoodie bakugo gave you, you inhaled the scent that lingered on it surprise the smell was still so strong throwing on the bed to remind yourself to wash it later on, walking into the bathroom you groan when you saw your towel was placed on the sink “so this where you were, thx you i got to have a goddam close up with that hot head” you garb the make up remover pouring it on the cotton wool and lightly dapping it on your eyes. Plopping down on your soft sofa you grab you heart shaped pillow you turn on you TV switching it netflix, watching the new trendy show ‘squid game’ curious to know what the hype is all about you pressed play while slurping down your cup noodle.

11.43PM

Feeling your eyes get heavy you decide to end it here for the day throwing your cup noodle and disposable chopsticks in the bin you head to your room changing into your silky F/C dress you lay in your bed pulling the covers releasing why it was so hard to pull the covers you grab bakugos hoodie and hug it lazy to stand up and hang it on your door at the same time you were in love with the lingering scent that bakugo left on the hoodie.

Bakugo pushed you back into the mirror kissing you roughly turning your head for him to have more access you felt his hot tongue lick your bottom lips opening your mouth you moaned feeling his wet hot tounge fighting with yours wrapping your arms around his neck you both tounges kept with each others finally bakugo pull away, he chuckled when you followed to move back in for more kisses “jump” you obeyed jumping on him, wrapping your legs around his torso he supported you by holding your butt you giggled abit when you felt him squeeze but it soon turn into pain when you feel him smack your ass like a drum- you wince at the pain “shh baby you're ok right?” you nod into his neck biting it softly you hear him groaned feeling butterflies in your stomach you would literally die to hear him do that sexy ass sound again biting it harder you earned another loud groan and a spank on your ass “-urgh- princess stop that or youre gonna regret that” you look at him giving him a sly smirk “really? How could i ever regret what daddy gives me hmm~” you watched as his eyes widen not expecting that as your answers “you asked for it princess” he laughed at you devilish and throwing you on your bed.

You jolt up feeling like you nearly fell you look around seeing youre still in your room and no sign of bakugo you hugged the hoodie feeling your pussy throb inhaling the strong scent remembering your dream it felt so real everything abt it the way you were in his house in his arms the way he felt the way his tongue felt against yours shaking your head you decide to go back to sleep, realising that your thoughts made you need sexual relief you stood up walking to your cupboard pushing past your perfume,cream and other essential needs you finally felt something round grabbing it you walked back to the edge of your bed sliding down your panties you lay down on your bed placing the vibrator on the side you pushed your nightgown up playing with boobs flicking it for a few times you proceed to caress your sensitive stomach and down to your clit pinching it lightly you sigh in pleasure spreading your legs open you continued rubbing around your hole and clit feeling more satisfied and your hole much wetter you took your vibrator sliding it into you slowly with ease you moan softly holding onto the hoodie turn up the vibrator the switch connected to it with a wire you switch the speed to 2, grabbing bakugos hoodie you inhaled the scent again using the material to caress your body thinking is bakugo touching you, you pushed your nightgown off you and threw it on the floor beside your panties. When a thought hit you with something dirty you grab the hoodie and dressed your pillow with it you sat on the hoodie grinding yourself on the hoodie the friction against it felt so good you rock yourself back and forth shouting and imagining it was bakugo making you feel good "fuck daddy -oh fuck- yes,yes, yes you feel so good so fucking good" you lean foward craving for more of the lingering scent feeling a knot slowling building up in side you rock your self back and forth faster, turning up the speed to max you moan out loud feeling yourself reach your limit you screamed bakugos name cumming on his hoodie you collasped forward hugging the pillow while pulling out the still vibrating vibrator you let yourself steady your breathing feeling your butt hole flutter on nothing but only the cold air your body was still not satisfied it had been so long since you last get to masturbate as your menstruation finally ended 2 days ago standing up you walk back to the cupboard grabbing another toy of yours that was hiding with your essential needs. You placed the dildo on the hoodie low enough for one to imagine it was the persons length. You hover yourself over the 6 inch dildo you hiss at the spread slowly pushing it in your butt hole you moan in pain tightening your grip on the hoodie "fuck daddy you're so big" sliding back up you moan at the pleasure wanting more you bounce yourself on it faster moaning out 'daddy' and 'fuck' feeling it hit your g-spot you moaned positioning yourself quick enough to continue your fast pace to hit that spot again and again "fuck me! -ahh- bakugo im cumming, im cumming!" You moaned loudly into the hoodie cumming yet again on the hoodie, you slowly pushed the dildo out of you moaning softly as it went past your sweet spots you threw the dildo by the bedside feeling yourself getting tired you closed your eyes drowning yourself back to sleep.

----❅----❅----❅----❅----❅--

ﾟ+*:ꔫ:* ﹤♡Taggings﹥*:ꔫ:*+ﾟ

@tessabrown101

Navigations:

Masterlist

Mafia Guy

Writings

Taggings

Ask/request

[bloodyke]

An ode svt for the ask game :D

oooh i was just listening to this album so its fresh in my mind

lie again- this song is SO GOOD like the instrumental, the vocals, the hidden vocals/harmonies, all of it!!! i love how soothing it is to listen to like 10/10 a great song to stim too OH ALSO the little dwc callback during vernons part was 🤌 woozi put his everything into this song

fear- i will forever maintain this is the best svt tt ever made like have you ever sat down and actually paid attention to all the details of the song??? theres so many things in here that are SOOOO good like for starters theres literally so many harmonies happening on almost every line and it really enhances the experience??? also dk seungkwan and woozi loosing their actual minds going crazy in the background with the vocal adlibs is literally my favorite thing i love letting the singers SING

247- listen we all know im a perfu stan and love everything they put out but my obvious bias aside this song fits all of their voices really well and i really like the instrumental of this too

hit- YES IM CRAZY 더 미치는 중이야 IF YOU CAN SEE 나에게로 와 내일의 널 오늘이 만들 거야 WOW WOW WOW WOW <- makes my brain go brrrr

second life- once again i love when they let the singers SING special shoutout to woozi in this one hes going all out on the line 잊혀진다는 건 흔한 일이겠죠 왜 그 흔한 일들은 나에겐 전혀 쉽지가 않은 걸까요

snapshoot = lucky - both of these songs are so FUN to listen to it makes me get up and dance everytime i hear both of them! i esp live the little choir at the beginning of snapshoot it really adds to the atmosphere

let me hear you say = network love - i couldnt decided on a placement for these two so they're tied but i love both of them a lot! the network love instrumental is saur good plus it opens with jun so its automatically an amazing song just fir that and let me hear you say has a really nice build that is very pleasant to listen too!

back it up- this is last place solely bc it got the phrase "siren siren siren weewoo weewoo weewoo" stuck in my head for three months and im still pissed about that one

overall its definitely a top teir album i dont actually hate or dislike any of the songs on it! usually ill have like one or two songs that are meh for me but this one was all great songs for me

[caruliaa]

ugh okay so like. ive wanted to talk abt this for a while but i didn't want to destroy my inbox yknow but at this point idc so like. theres, from my experience as a person of colour, a big issue of racism and white favorism in the cs fandom, especially intersecting w wlwphobia/lesbaphobia and sexism/bias against female characters and honestly im just really tired of it.

i think one of the biggest and most frustrating examples of this is how so much of this fandom treats carmen herself. so many of you shit on carmen for no reason saying that shes "boring" or whatever and it honestly drives me up the wall. Carmen is actually a really interesting character and has much more personality than the average vigilante type character (especially those that are white guys) and yet so many of you constantly talk abt her badly and its just really obvious thats its because your standards of what makes a character "interesting" are infinitely higher when that character is a (both sapphic and trans coded) woman of colour.

and this becomes even more obvious when you look at how much of this fandom obsesses over generic white male characters. the fact that so many of you act like characters like mime bomb and neal the eel that only appear in a couple episodes and aren't well developed at all because they're literally side character are so amazing and interesting and then act like carmen who is much more developed and interesting and literally THE MAIN FUCKING CHARACTER is boring and annoying and toss her aside is so annoying. 

im not you can't like side characters or focus on vile more than other characters, im fine with the people in the fandom that focus on characters like countess cleo and dr bellum or jean paul and antonio more, the main issue the fact that people focus on white male characters like mime bomb, neal the eel, maelstrom, etc.

this also ties into the way so many non carulia shipper talk about carulia. like so many of you act like shippers and the ship itself are annoying for pretty much just existing and while its clear that a decent amount of that is due to wlwphobia its also clear that its also somewhat due to racism because carmen and julia are both women of colour. especially seeing as so many of you insist on shipping these two women of colour that objectively speaking have the most chemistry with each other with white men that they are both clearly romantically uninterested in instead. it all just feels really iffy and gross to me when you realise that.

there is also a bit of an issue with the way some carulia shippers characterise carmen as a flirty latina stereotype and julia as an innocent asain stereotype, but this is is a lot less common that those posts going around a while ago made it out to be. still i have noticed this mostly in a few fanfics on ao3 and the like so i will say that ppl need to try avoid those stereotypes (i think they're a lot more common among shippers on sites other than tumblr and discord, which is probably why i haven't seen them that often) (also julia being characterised as submissive and the like is a lot more common for when shes shipped with chase (a white man) imo so like :/)

also the fact that so many of you obsess over chase, a white man that repeatedly diminishes and talks down a woman of colour and has yet to apologise to her, is just really tiring, especially as so many of you ignore how rude hes been to julia. like i get if you want to have a male character to focus on but like shadowsan (outside of the context of that gross ship w zack u nasties) is literally right there. you have no reason to be obssesing over a white man thats repeatedly very rude and demeaning to a woman of colour lol.

im not saying that all of you are deliberately racist (though seriously white ppl you need to stop taking people pointing out racist things you do as a personal attack) but i am saying that some of you literally need to re-examine your biases with how you view the characters in the show because holy shit its tiring.

other ppl of colour feel free to add on to this, theres probably a couple things i missed. white ppl you can reblog but please for the love of fuck dont clown on this post

[tylerwritez]

I was hit in the head with a brick today.

Its Monday, October 18th, 11:30. Jacob didnt show, he had a busy day, so I invited my bestie Elle over and she came at around 6pm and we hung out and baked brownies. It was fun, but our brownies didn't rise cos we neglected to add baking powder. I walked them to their bus stop in the dark... I was tbh worried they would die or soemthing... in the area I live recently theres been a murder and a few rapes of young kids happening when it got dark. But in the end I left them there and headed home, and they got home safe so it turned out good. I got monster for us at around 5pm but she didnt drink hers, so I have an extra for tommorow >:D they're the strawberry lemonade rehab kind, so they're 25cals each, which isnt bad at all. I had a lot of anxiety while I was waiting for Jacob to come over... I guess because I was uncertain about how the day was going to pan out. But it improved significantly after I confirmed Elle was coming over... proabably becos I knew for certain that SOMEONE was gonna hang out w me.

See? Even days that start off depressing, with you smoking alone in the cold, can end up happy. I think the therapy session at 4pm improved my mood quite a bit though... it felt like I was hit in the head with a brick... but in a positive sense of the phrase. I I soemthing important.

You see, for as long as I've felt pain about my past, I've had this self doubt. This feeling that I was making up my pain, that I was delusional, that I was insane, that nothing bad ever happened, that if it did, I should just get over it and let the past be the past.

The thing is, obviously stuff MUST'VE happened, if even today I cry to mention it. So my feelings were validated in a sense. I realized that how I feel is valid, and REAL, and it's okay to feel this way even if everyone else has moved on. Even if those events are in the past, they still hurt me, so it DOES matter!!!

It doesnt even matter who's fault it was. I can stop worrying about that. No matter who caused it, it's my responsiblity to do work to fix it. And really,,, my parents didnt do that on purpose.

So now I just need to let go of my emotional pain!!! And stop mourning!!! And I feel like I can do that, now that I KNOW how i feel is okay!!! Sorry for the excitement. I'm just optimistic. I'm happy and i could cry from happiness to have the life I have right now. I have such a happy life on a beautiful earth with lovely music and good kind friends who care about me and like... I have a therapist??? My parents got me a therapist??? It's like people are FINALLY listening to me,,, and I dont really feel as much need to cover up my obvious illness/issues.

It was very validating to me. The therapist asked questions, which I answered as honestly and clearly as I possible could... I even mentioned my past shoplifting and current nicotine addiction, because she said the stuff there stays there.

But the most validating part is... well, I've ALWAYS felt that the way I felt emotion was not... right. Too strong, too wild, too... inappropriate. This, added on to my anger issues as a child and later, my constant grief over my past... compared to others, I mean. I always felt SOMETHING was wrong with me. I could never really quite put a finger on it. But then the therapist,,, listened to what I had to say regarding that... and after the whole session, decided that she wanted to assess me for 1 thing (ofc she didnt tell me and I didnt ask, probably because i didnt want to go into the assessment with bias of any kind) but she wants to assess me for something, discuss the results of the test, and then send me to a PHYSICIAN, like a DOCTOR, like a DOCTOR like who usually deals with PHYSICAL illness??? The word she used was "pediatrician"... but I'm a teenager LOL, not a child (the prefix pedo,pedia, means "child", for example, a PEDOphile is a child-lover... so a pediatrician is a doctor who treats children... I get what she means, but I really dont see myself as a child anymore 😅)

Anwyays, she said she wanted to send me over to like a DOCTOR to discuss this... this feeling that something was wrong with me.

This means... THIS MEANS IM BEING TAKEN SERIOUSLY!!!!! finally, someone who doesnt dismiss my ABNORMAL emotions and grief as "teenage hormones" or something of the like. I just. I'm happy that finally, people are listening to me! And taking me seriously! And caring about what I have to say regarding my feelings! And I can talk a bit more freely about this shit :) it's nice. I mean, I obviously havent reached the level of 100 PERCENT HONESTY with my parents, but I can at least still say more than I used to...

It's all falling into place yknow? I'm happy I didnt kill myself. I'm happy I pushed through to get to this moment.

I'm listening to my old vocaloid faves, and I think that's also helping boost my mood.

this, combined with the fact that I didnt grossly overeat today, makes for a pretty good day!

My therapist also said

1. Write about my grief... a letter to my parents. What I wish they would've done. And then tear up the paper and throw it out, or burn it up. I said that I'd done that already, but i felt like I could never say everything I needed to say, or even AGREE on the FACTS of the shit I was saying! But like... now I can sorta agree on the facts, since I know how I feel is valid and not fake. It's real! And I know now that if I need, I can write it out more than once!!! If I forget something, I can just write it out in addition, separately. And even if it helps me feel a LITTLE bit better, its better than nothing.

It's so easy to hold onto negative feelings. It's very hard to view things positively, or with happiness... like, okay. Happiness is clear, potable water. Sadness is dirty, gross water. Even a little bit of dirty, gross water mixed in with the clear, potable water, will spoil it all.

When you have clear water, it's easier to make it dirty than it is to make dirty water clean.

It's easier to ruin a good mood than it is to lift a bad mood, basically. So when discussing SAD things, it's hard to frame them positively, and once you start crying from sadness, it's very hard to stop crying and feeling that sadness and that PHYSICAL pain in you.

A good thing I can do is think of things I like about myself (I am adaptable and can adapt to almost any given situation, I am stylish and dress cool, I am able to face my fears (social interaction, Allioli our gecko, birds, heights) and things I'm grateful for (I live in a safe place with no war and clean water and I have food in my house and I have clothes in my closet and I have a computer and a phone and two dogs and a best friend and a few good friends actually) see? It forces your mind to, instead of looking for more bad, look for some good. Idk tho. I'm trying. I'm trying everything, because this is mostly up to me. If I really wanted to, I could ignore the therapists advice and keep being sad... but that wouldnt help me heal. Healing is hard. Healing is as much (if not more) my responsibly than anyone else's.

If I want to get better, I have to at least TRY.

One more thing... one thing that I found most helpful, more than just listing positive things, was breathing in, holding it... and then when you breathe out, making a sound to let your frustration out. And after doing this quite a bit, it feels silly, like, it feels stupid, right? So you kinda start laughing.

The best remedy to sadness is laughter, and not that sick kind of laughter you get when you realize how absurdly sad and pathetic you are... I mean REAL laughter, when something is genuinely, not ironically or post ironically but GENUINELY funny.

Maybe that should inspire my next MTG card (for art class I am painting MTG cards).

Anwyays, after that, you just, wave your arms around, wave your head around, jump even, just AAAAAA GO CRAZY AAAAA GO STUPID. let it out.

That reminded me of back when I used to have more energy more often, I would put on music and DANCE in the dark at night like a crazy person and put on musicals and shit. It is a good thing to get energy into you and get it out.

I sound. so fucking stupid right now. I'm sorry guys... I dont really feel normal right now. I'm happy for the first time in maybe a whole week, like really happy in a way that I know won't end until at least morning. And I'm not used to it. And it's making me act stupid and optimistic and dumb and like a little kid. I just feel good about this whole thing. The idea of talking to a DOCTOR, getting my dad to take me to a DOCTOR, is FUCKING SCARY but... it's a sign that I'm being taken seriously.

Soemtimes I say the wrong thing, or dont oxmmhnicate accurately. But overall it was chill, even though I couldnt really accurately communicate my level of suicidality, I'm pretty sure saying "soemtimes I want to do it but I never will and I know that feelings are temporary" is kinda the same as saying "I dont want to do it", right? Either way, I'm not about to risk having my parents told that I'm suicidal over some little communication like that. We get the IDEA. Lol.

I did sort of attempt suicide once, but I didnt go through all the way with it. I downed maybe 4-6 pills? I did take over the amount I should've, and I got a horrible stomachache (probably my liver since it was advil) but I didnt die, go to hospital, or get any sort of damage. So I think i stopped just in time to prevent real damage. I think if I had even take one more advil, I wouldve been in hospital, just because of the pain I was in. And I read online that the way you die from it is extremely painful, can take weeks, doesnt work half the time and leave you alive, but with permanent liver failure/damage and like... it just didnt seem like a good method, so I stopped.

I honestly cant even fucking believe I even considered suicide over an argument with my mom. Jesus.

See, I can't handle adults angry at me. Even in the slightest.

The mourning and grief is insane, dude.

.... maybe I WILL get that stupid doll.

No... my parents cant afford it. But if they could, maybe I'd get it. Because that stupid BOY doll is very much a partial embodiment of the things that made me upset as a child.

Shit, now I'm remembering my teacher was mad at me for wearing headphones in class and listening to music and said to take em off kinda sternly and i legit broke down crying. Wow. See? The GRIEF... I downplay it because it feels stupid to me. I was never beat or anything. So why be upset? But it's there, the pain is there. That pain is... this whole blog. "Jude" and "Jesse" and "Owen" and "Father" and all that shit.... the drawing of a child being eaten by Jesus... the deer in the forest, that's all that pain... me trying to deal with it.

I just dont get why it hurt me so bad if it was, realistically, such a small slight. I think that its some intersection of the reaosn I'm going to the doctors, and my parents shortcoming... which I DONT blame them for! I was their first child, and I came out fucked up. What were they suppsoed to do? they didnt know better.

Soemtimes it feels like it wasnt fair. Like, maybe I DESERVED parents and teachers who DID know better. I was just a child. It hurt me really badly. I ditched classes to cry in junior high.

But that's me being mean. Sure, every kid deserves the best they can get... but this is the best I could get. Simple. It's still good! I have lots of things I'm thankful for. Life cant be perfect. And I have to be thankful for my pain. It makes me a man. Ariel said that pain and discomfort makes you stronger, shapes you. Any kind of discomfort is good for the person to grow strong. I think this is especially applicable, as a boy becoming a man. You need pain, discomfort, anxiety... to become strong man. So in a sense, I am thankful for my pain, because really, what would I be without it? Another annoying blond hockey boy named Hayden or Brody or Reid... no thank you.

Man this is so cringe. I really just pulled the "not like other boys" card huh.

I'm just trying to cope, okay? It's a crazy amount of pain. I might go to the doctors!!! Soemthing is wrong. I think that's the best news I've heard all week. Soemone else believes me that somethings wrong. An adult!!!

It's really something else to be able to cry in front of adults without being guilt tripped or yelled at or getting in trouble of some sort.

I'm gonna cry for my past self now. All this talk of him, I cant help myself but cry. He was ripped apart. That child, he was destroyed.

....

I feel guilty saying that knowing that I read an article where this kid was SEVERELY abused... I saw the pictures of this kid... in the cold, shackled, beaten, starved, held in stress positions, verbally abused, made to do horrible things, splinters in his lips... I feel bad saying that I had it bad when there are kids who are actually beaten and shit. Man. I'm so cringe. Im so terrible I should kill myself. Im a fucking faggot. Jesus.

.... but I wouldnt say that to my friend.

............ idk. Idk anything.

Well... I FELT destroyed, let's just say that. I FELT defeated.

But I wasn't >:)

Idk where I'm going with this... peace out yall. I love yall, I'm bout to sleep and cry.

[hammerlocke-stadium]

C i j o for Raihan pliz? Also congratulations for hitting 500 followers!!!!! You totally deserve more!!!! :)

@ Anon 1: Thank you so much for your kind words I’m!!!

@ Anon 2: fluffaphet is such a cute shorthand for it omg

there was a couple more anons but i just deleted them bc theres so many asks already kjbbvkdjfv (to the anons that complimented me w ur raihan requests i would die for you)

Activities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Raihan loves going on runs and walks with his s/o, basically anything active really! But he also loves going on picnics in the wild area with them as well.

Beauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

He admires how strong they are emotionally! Dating someone who’s as famous as him is tough when the paparazzi try and ambush dates after all! Raihan thinks everything is beautiful about them but his favourite thing is their smile, especially when he’s the cause of it!

Comfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc.?

Starts of by holding their hands and talking about anything he can think of, and when they start calming down Raihan gets closer and pulls them into his arms.

Dreams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

Lots of cuddles, making meals together and surprising each other with gifts, helping each other groom their pokemon and being happy and in love until they die.

Equal - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

Raihan is pretty dominant! But he’s willing to bow to what his s/o wants if his enthusiasm is making them uncomfortable, all Raihan wants is them to be happy with him after all!

Fight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

When he’s fighting with his s/o Raihan tends to storm off to blow steam in the Wild Area so he can avoid saying anything he’d regret later in his anger. As long as his partner is willing to talk everything out, and have both of them walk out if they start getting angry again, then Raihan is pretty forgiving! He’s super big on communication.

Gratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

Raihan is grateful everyday that his partner stays with him despite all the fans and paparazzi that follow him around so much. His partner tries to make him dinner everyday and swipes his laundry to do while he’s gone to lighten the load of what he has to do at home, Raihan’s heart bursts with love every time he comes home and finds them snoozing in a half folded basket of clothes.

Honesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Raihan shares most things with his s/o! But with things like the dynamaxed pokemon on the loose he doesn’t tell them until after its over with because then they don’t have to worry for hours or days or even weeks until the situation is dealt with; telling them after it’s done means they can get all the worry over in a day.

Inspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

His partner makes me him slow down and look at the things and people around him, he appreciates his friends a lot more upon realising how much attention is heaped on them just for knowing him. Raihan helps his s/o with being more confidant with them self. 

Jealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

He’s pretty confidant with his relationship! But if someone starts flirting with his s/o and doesn’t stop when they’ve told them that they’re already taken his jealousy rears its ugly head and he swans in to take his partner’s hand and walk away.

Kiss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

I’m bias but he is absolutely a good kisser. The first kiss with Raihan is rushed and giggly, he’s so excited they return his feelings he ends up bumping noses with them and laughing as they kiss.

Love Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

He’d do it in private, probably with a letter and some of their favourite flavours or if they’re allergic to flowers then their favourite food. Raihan would make sure they know that no matter their answer he still wants to be friends though.

Marriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Yeah Raihan wants to get married someday, he really wants to find someone he loves and loves him back enough to spend the rest of his life with. Raihan would propose with an Applin! Instead of an evolution item it would be holding a ring though. Marriage with him would be full of fun little games and spontaneous dates! It would probably feel like being in their honeymoon forever.

Nicknames - What do they call their s/o?

Babe, Love, Hun, Fae (bc they’re his greatest weakness ;) lmao).

On Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

He’s naturally very touchy feely already so unless they’ve known him for a while they won’t notice that he’s in love.

PDA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Raihan doesn’t care about anyone’s opinion but his s/o’s about the pda but he refuses to hide their relationship like a dirty secret he loves them to much to pretend like they aren’t together.

Quirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

He’s got a godly ability to open cans without the pin breaking off.

Romance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

He can be super romantic! Raihan once wore one of those tuxedo graphic tees because his partner was sick and walked into the bedroom with a tray of soup (badly) pretending to be their personal butler because he knew it would make them laugh.

Support - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

Raihan absolutely and unashamedly boosts his s/o’s endeavours on his social media accounts, he is their number one believer.

Thrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Both? He likes trying new things out with his s/o but doing something they know they both enjoy is just as fun.

Understanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

Raihan knows his partner very well!! And he’s very empathetic, in fact he’s an empathetic crier so when his s/o get teary its tissue hell.

Value - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

His relationship is very important to Raihan, sure he loves being a gym leader and he’s honoured to be the one in charge of protecting the Hammerlocke vault but Raihan will drop those without a single thought if it meant he had a chance to be with his s/o for the rest of his life.

Wild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

Raihan will unzip his hoodie wrap it around his s/o’s front then re-zip it up so they’re trapped in it with him.

XOXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

He’s very, very affectionate! Raihan loves kissing and cuddling but if his partner gets overwhelmed he’s happy too stop until they’re okay again.

Yearning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

He sulks all the time while they’re gone, and channels all his energy into gym matches and training to distract himself from watching the clock to count the minutes until they’re home.

Zeal - Are they willing to go to great lengths for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

Yell heah he is! As stated before Raihan is willing to drop his job as gym leader and protector of the vault if it means he can stay with his s/o for the rest of his life. In his opinion having someone to love and be loved by for his entire life is more important than being recognised as strong or famous.

[zombolouge]

i dont usually leave two messages in one day but i realized i had more to say so theres a first for everything

to say that i am baffled that miles could reach such a conclusion is an understatment bc like how can someone so smart...be so dumb...also does phoenix even know miles is gay? (with the suit he wears im sure its obvious but like he doesnt know for sure does he? with the way he acts itd be very easy to assume miles is aro/ace right?) and has miles EVER pursued phoenix? what does he mean “he didnt ever pursue me back” or whatever like sir when have u ever made ur feeings apparant? u repress shit so much why would phoenix try anything im sjsjjsbsjsbshsbj?

-B

haha I welcome as many comments as you need to leave! In all seriousness, it’s both of them being incredibly wrapped up in their own trauma so they can’t see the forest for the trees. Miles thinks he HAS been flirting, because he lets himself do it sometimes, but of course like anything he does it’s ten times more subtle than he realizes. It’s a thunderclap to him and a whisper to everyone else, so he thinks he’s been putting off vibes that would have been obvious to anyone remotely interested in the same sex. He also let himself make some nonsensical assumptions because it feeds into his own self doubt and lack of self worth. He made a self-deprecating echo chamber about Phoenix a long ass time ago and now that he’s presented with something that doesn’t match that narrative, he’s basically PANICKING. In a panicked state, it’s very easy for trauma recovery to regress and your brain immediately leans on thoughts that are disordered and a result of the abuse that was suffered.  There’s a lot of layers there lmao  And Phoenix knows Miles prefers men. He might have some impression that he could be aro/ace, but for the most part Phoenix simply assumes that Miles would not/could not want him, because if he DID, he wouldn’t have left after Phoenix finally found him. He never would have moved to Germany. And maybe, given the right circumstances, Phoenix would have come around and realized the truth of things, but Miles didn’t move back to LA even after he revealed he wasn’t dead, and while he was away Phoenix went through the trauma of the Iris trial, with Miles returning but on a temporary basis, and then not much later than that he lost his badge, which threw *everything* out the window for him emotionally and mentally. All of this has built up to Phoenix having this idea that everything is just seconds away from getting ripped from him, at all times. Trucy has fears of people disappearing, but so does Phoenix (it’s honestly probably part of what bonded him to her so fast. He knew what it was like to have your world disappear without warning or explanation and he couldn’t imagine having to go through it at 8). So he is operating under the assumption that it took him years JUST to earn Miles’ friendship, and that if/when he ever admits the truth of how he feels, it would result in Miles leaving again out of disgust because Phoenix feels like he is broken/unworthy/disposable. For Phoenix it isn’t a problem of thinking he’s not gay, but thinking that has nothing to do with Phoenix himself being desirable.  And because they’re both so fucking traumatized this ends up being a loop they’re stuck in because with confirmation bias, all either of them ever sees is what backs up what they think is the truth. Anything else is just BS. Phoenix has definitely inched closer to breaking out of the cycle in previous chapters, but it’s so deeply ingrained that it would take a hefty force to finally push him forward.  Which is, incidentally, what I’m leading up to with all this back and forth between them. The angst is a fun read, of course, but mostly I did psychology math and estimated this was the number of times you had to smash them together to wear down their resolve enough that a breaking point is inevitable. Even then, I feel like it takes a moment of particularly high-running emotions to get them there, but I don’t want to say too much more since you know, we aren’t on that chapter.  Yet. But...soon. Very, VERY soon. (sorry I kinda popped off there but I have thought about this A LOT lol so I have many thoughts and feelings)

[babieyangs-moved]

11 questions about tbz!

thank u @bwaldorf​ for tagging me!

tagging: @gothkyunnie​ @scorpioszn​ @scorpyeon​​ and any other deobi mutuals (im blanking rn so i apologise if i missed someone obvious)

name/nickname Lola + i dont rly have any nicknames :’) except for sunshine/bubs + random nicknames my mom has for me

country/state Australia (west coast)

which member is closest in age to you? Sangyeon bc we’re both 96 liners.. but we’re still like almost a year apart bc my birthday is in Jan and his is in November

who did you first notice and why? at this point i dont remember but i only rly knew of Kevin and Jacob bc of the few videos i’d seen before i started to get interested...

favourite laughter? hyunjae... a healing sound tbh

if you can only meet 3 members, who would it be? north american line (kevin/jacob/eric)... purely just bc i think we’d vibe.. i also probably find them the least intimidating ahah

first the boyz song you ever heard? it was either giddy up or no air?? all i remember is seeing either or both of those songs in like those random kpop compilations on yt and was like :) oh i like this..

(1) unpopular the boyz opinion? I actually really liked the cute concept that they had (idk if this is unpopular).. also I find that most of their title tracks dont age.. like i dont get bored of listening to them (i listened to giddy up + boy during lockdown on endless loop and im still not sick of either of them)

which member is the most similar to you? i’m gonna say kevin + eric combined....... bc like kevin i just speak in references.. but also we’re both rly creative people... i also considered majoring in psych so there u go.. and i would say younger me especially was very much like eric and i still am when im comfortable around people... like always trying to make people laugh and just being that bright cheerful energy.... also i used to skateboard when i was younger so theres that ahah [also honourable mentions: sunwoo bc im such a scaredy cat + also whiny... and juyeon bc clumsy af...]

most underrated the boyz song? idk if its underrated but Salty.. SOTY... but lets be real most of their b-sides are probably a little underrated and the ones ive listened to at least are really good so :’)

give us a good picture of your bias thank u google images bc im too lazy to scroll down the juyeon tag ahah but hi look at this man (also maybe i think he has nice hands...)

[ravenaveira]

Okay I get why you might not like Alisha from ToZ, but you hate /Luke/?????? I cannot understand. Why do you hate Luke I gotta know

Ok Im gonna be honest and admit Im a little biased when it comes to Luke, and when I say little I really mean ALOT lol I’ll explain

First off he started off pretty bad but I could already tell he was going to develop as his journey went on and I was right, I was really proud of his development and growth. But then he got all those people killed, ignoring everyone who tried to warn him because of his arrogance which caused everyone to hate him for a short time and rightfully so, hell I was pissed at him still even AFTER they forgave him.

But after he cut his hair and really resolved to change and actually put in the effort, I started to like him again, I really admired his growth and that he acknowledged he screwed up instead of continuing to make excuses for it, he effed up, he realized his mistake and took responsibility for it and worked hard to change. It reminded me somewhat of Zuko’s redemption arc in Avatar with how he kept messing up at first but then realized where he went wrong and did his best to change, I respect that.

So how did I grow to dislike Luke after all that? well as I said Im very biased against him for one reason and one reason only.

Asch

Now from the very beginning we know theres more to Asch than meets the eye, theres a reason he and Luke look so much alike but we just dont know what yet, then when we find out things only get worse from there as we slowly find out his backstory and what happened to him. It was so bad it actually made me dislike Luke because he essentially took literally EVERYTHING from him, although unknowingly the fact is he still stole Asch’s entire life.

His fiance, his kingdom, his best friend, his parents, even his name, literally everything. Asch was kidnapped and forced to go through agonizing experiments to create that replica Luke that they used to replace him and take over his life while Van continued to use and abuse Asch for his own gain. And what happens when Asch finally escapes and makes his way home? he sees his family and friends all moved on happily with his replica, that was beyond sad and hard to watch.

So where my bias comes in is that I like Asch more than I like Luke, why? because Asch is the original and he also just has a way more interesting backstory and personality compared to Luke who pretty much had it made his entire life and took it for granted, replica or not Luke still had it far easier than Asch did. His only real struggle was trying to have his own identity while Asch was trying to cope with having his stolen, which was a far more compelling dilemma in my opinion that I felt could have used more focus.

There was even one point in the game where everyone was against Luke and spent time with Asch in his place for a while and it just felt awkward, Guy and Natalia were originally friends with him, not Luke but at the end of the day, Guy sides with Luke and basically ditched Asch for the copy, which Asch even says he expected him to do. Even so, Guy siding with Luke over him clearly hurt him since that WAS originally his friend, even Jade points it out.

Yes its understandable since he spent more time with Luke after Asch was taken but at the same time it just felt like nobody really gave much thought to Asch’s situation and that somehow Luke was just far more important than Asch even though he’s the original whose life was stolen from him. To me, Asch was just treated beyond unfair and he just accepted it because he felt like he was inferior and had no place with them now. Just the charred remains of who he once was.

Natalia at least made the effort to reach out to Asch more than anyone else did and understood him even though he pushed her away, at least she was the only one who truly tried to console and reach out to him over the ordeal whether he accepted it or not. Luke did too but to be honest thats the LAST person he wanted to listen to for obvious reasons.

Yeah Asch pushed them away but nobody but Luke and Natalia actually took the time to see things from his perspective and tried to empathize with him, he was literally all alone through everything so its understandable why he has such a hard time with ‘teamwork’.

His attitude, like Lukes, is completely understandable when you look at their upbringing. Luke was royalty and behaved like an arrogant spoiled brat because of his privilege and lack of knowledge about the real world, so him being an asshole at first makes sense.

Asch was cold and impersonal at first because he was being groomed to be the ruler of Kimlasca but was also treated coldly by his father, then he was kidnapped at a very young age and experimented on to create a replica that completely highjacked his life and took all his friends and family away from him. So for him to be cold, distant, apathetic and rude makes total sense given what he’s been through, why wouldnt he be resentful towards Luke especially but everyone else too? he felt abandoned and forgotten and worst of all replaced, who wouldnt feel bitterness after that? in many ways, he even felt inferior to Luke which only rubbed salt in the wound.

But even with all of that, ALL OF THAT, I still liked both but just liked Asch more, however, something happened that made it impossible for me to like Luke anymore and forever hate him for it.

Asch dies, and Luke lives, that is unforgivable.

Now listen, I know it was foreshadowed but there were several things that happened that made this impossible to accept. Starting with the fact that near the end of the game all the replicas were supposed to die, keyword ALL so that includes Luke, so it was also foreshadowed that Luke would die as well. Asch from the side effects of the replication and Luke because replicas tend to be unstable and fall apart eventually which is why formicry was banned, yet in the end, only Asch dies and in one of the worst ways possible

He lived in constant pain and suffering both physical and emotional and now he dies in excruciating pain and suffering too, why? protecting Luke, and not just that, but from an experiment he never signed up for and was forced to go through, that was beyond unfair and unforgivable.

His whole life he has lost and sacrificed everything, EVERYTHING because of Luke, not only could he not live his own life but he couldnt even die his own death either. Luke got to live his life and got to escape his death and he’s the friggin replica who was supposed to die with all the rest, make that make sense to me.

The original dies but the fake lives even though its said replicas are unstable and doomed to fall apart eventually and we see it happen to every single human replica except for Luke, I just cant accept that.

They even have the nerve to leave the ending ambiguous where it sort of seems like Luke and Asch fuse and its left open-ended where you could assume its Asch or Luke but we all know its Luke because he goes directly to Tear in the end which doesnt make sense for Asch to do if it was him so Im just…UGH!!!!

So you wanna know why I dont like Luke? because he got to have everything Asch lost, he took everything from him and Asch literally gets nothing in the end, everybody moved on, Asch couldnt go back, Asch was slowly dying anyway from the experiment and Luke just gets to have everything in the end. He stole Asch’s life and in the end, he gets to keep it while Asch just dies protecting his copy, I just cannot accept that.

Its just unfair that Asch had to give up everything and Luke has to give up nothing, he really doesnt lose anything in the end, only Asch does. I know that sounds weird and a little sadistic but it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth ya know? the original dies having everything taken from him while the replica lives on with virtually everything? did Asch really get anything besides suffering in the end? no, thats where my hatred stems from.

So yeah my hatred for Luke stems from my bias for Asch, its not so much that Luke did something BAD that made him unlikeable but more like the ending the creators chose made me dislike him because I found it unfair and wanted Asch to have a happy ending too after all he’s been through but in the end, he dies because of something he had no control over and was forced to go through while Luke gets to go on living happily with everyone in the life Asch will never have, that is unacceptable.

So yea sorry this is so long but I wanted to go over how my admiration and respect for Luke turned to hate, its really of no fault of his own but the ending itself. I also hate that the fandom prefers Luke over Asch or even hate him when he’s the victim of so much but eh to each their own, but that just saddens me that even amongst the fandom Asch gets the short end of the stick while Luke gets all the praise.

Long story short this game just destroyed me lol which is why its my favorite Tales of games in the entire series despite my hatred for the ending, it was such a rollercoaster of emotion and pain that it really stands out from all the other Tales of in the series and IMO Tales of the Abyss is the best out of them all thus far and will always remain one of my top favorite games of all time. It’s such an underated gem.

[alukaforyou]

and ALSO sry to post bs on main im mostly just talking to myself in my personal tag half the time so yolo, no need to respond to this or reassure me or whatever but these days i licherally question how much of my - sry to sound like a broken record - bs is dépression or just my shité mentality, like i rly was not designed to last, huh? physically or mentally? lol. like who gets motion sickness on swings lmao anyways. i think i give up too easily. theres a bunch of reasons y but i dont feel like saying. its a different thing to kind of kno something, and to admit / speak it (confront it). i could psychoanalyze myself all day and tell u exactly why some things are the way they are but its too unpleasant to neatly state stuff like that u kno?? like... *i kno* but im not gonna say i kno. anywho, i digress. so i give up easily and kind of have a defeatist mentality too, its so exhausting lool. actually its weird cuz duality of man, i'll be rly determined / stubborn abt doing some stuff and not care abt fear of failure with certain things but when it comes to My Life / My Future i just think i cant rly do anything? i mean that literally like i got no skillz *laugh crying emoji* not particularly good at anything, and art - the only thing im maybe arguably ok at - i dont wanna do as a career, that is art therapy for me i dont feel like commercializing it. not interested in working in my major, maybe things wouldve been different if i went to culinary or cosmetology school?? that sounds fun. or if i majored in bio cuz i was so good at that, or even if i majored in japanese language or literature or idk. but no regrets tho cuz i learned a lot abt drawing in art school which i can use for myself. and hmm i like staying home and not rly going out of my way to meet new ppl so connections what? i h8 hearing how most opportunities come through the ppl u kno cuz its true and ik like 10 ppl tops so hm very sexi of me :^) i just feel like im p much f*cked and it rly doesnt help that i have no functional dreams, goals, or aspirations nor the confidence and drive to work towards anything so ah ok cool. u kno suga's songs "the last" and "so far away" ? that p much sums up my feels minus the part abt having to deal w fame obviously LOL. its so easy being a student (for me at least) but being a good student isnt really worth a whole lot in the """""real world""""" and the current education system doesnt even rly prepare u for reality or w.e like Deep Sigh also the political climate rly lookin like shité out there like hmmmmm do i even wanna try so hard to be here anymore tho??? also going back to the self confidence thing, ya idk her LOOOOL like it doesnt very much bother me tho? i really, honest to god have no idea what my redeeming qualities even are. being nice? and my mindset re - tolerance and compassion for others, etc, ya im rly proud of that actually but besides that i mean like what can i Do tho like hm im not particularly good at anything also im hideous like uglee but thats ok too like none of this Bothers me, thats just literally how i Am so ok fine, but i feel like it makes it hard for me to exist in the world i happen to be in??? and i realize im speaking with a huge bias here cuz my brain is totally out of whack im p sure if some1 saw me / read this they would lit be like um u literally do not have it hard girl, which is fair ur kinda right actually from an objective pov, probably? its amazing how um. hard? of a time my brain is having given my relatively ok circumstances but thats just how it is ig. and if i may quote shakespeare - o full of scorpions is my mind. and its weird cuz duality of man - i actually have a lot of good times w friends and whatever i have a lot of fun, im not even very Sad or in Agony its all very a mild? sensation? but that might be because my plan b is to simply *** so nothing rly fazes me anymore lool.

its usually a v confusing emotion, im either feeling happy, or if not that, very ???? im literally that duwang quote get a feeling so complicated its just "ajdjsjsja" idk its not overly repulsive and upsetting im like :s LOL u kno wat at this point idek what im even saying anymore but its good that im writing whatever cuz im gonna need to look back on this later and organize my thoughts for presentation cuz remember i have a s.o now???? i wanna let them kno so we r on the same page, and i dont feel like im tricking them, i thought it over more and there are like 4? major cards i wanna lay out on the table early on and they are 1. im not that close w my family emotionally so do not seek their approval or expect to deal with them much. 2. personal ideology / political views like im bi lmao and pro lgbt if that wasnt obvious also i dont rly wanna be around racists / terfs etc and if ur right wing or not on that respect women juice uhhh bye.. 3. my weak ass mentality how i might Maybe *** in the future like no promise but errrr theres one more but its a little more negotiable and also too early to discuss so i wont mention it but i already got the first two outta the way so ya. theres the most troublesome of all, #3. the last thing i wanna do is traumatize someone that loves me (and i love back) with that kinda thing, its too late for my dear friends whom i love, sorry i didnt kno i was gonna be like this LOL yall already got attached but its a little different with my s.o cuz i feel like its not too late to uh.... stop getting as attached LMAO like dam i've known my girls for almost 10 years whereas i've only known my s.o for like a month.

and this is totally not gonna come across right but if my s.o very understandably desides to dump me id be SO RELIEVED LIKE WOOOO ok cool cuz like essentially what i'd be saying is you are getting attached to someone who's future is not as stable as other people, including u. *huge exhale* from the bottom of my heart, my bad lol. and then i probs wont ever get involved w. a s.o again, sorry to reference snk in 2020 but remember how e*win smith is single cuz he doesnt kno when he will ***? big mood. i have never acted out on my interests before but i was like ok for once lets go off the shits and do smth ooc, i uh... didnt expect for it to actually go anywhere tho so now im like ???? i shouldve thought it through more tho, like i felt low key irresponsible af and selfish and dumb for getting involved w. someone even tho i Know how I Am like...... Also i just lov being single and staying home and chilling alone lmao like i seriously...... never get loney....

ok so what was i talking abt? how the passage of time makes me nervous cuz idk how i can manage to keep up w it??? how i feel like i cant do jack shit???? that life is hard???? and maybe a bih just wants to rest? permanently?????? i think the most irritating part of all for me, like what i am most mad about at myself is that i have no dream. yikes. naruto, do u think thats sad? well yoongi said its okay, and what counts is just being happy, so i will console myself and forgive her and idk just try my best for the time being??