#but thinking about this whole year. everything we’ve done has been my suggestion

[permanentreverie]

just a quick lil rant before i head to bed

[ladykailitha]

Oh For a Muse of Fire! Part 12

Thank you so much for the love this story has been getting. I love every comment and tag. You guys are the best!!

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6  Part 7  Part 8  Part 9 Part 10  Part 11

*

“They want us to record a demo?” Jeff asked for the hundredth time since the agent had talked to them.

They were in the garage they used for practice the next day. They still were on the high of suddenly having an agent. Something that they certainly wouldn’t have had without The Queen’s Crown.

“Holy shit!” Gareth said, his voice high from the excitement. “They want us to record a demo.”

“Hell yeah, they do!” Eddie said clapping a poor stunned Brian on the shoulder.

They sat in stunned silence for a couple of minutes.

“This doesn’t mean we’ve made it,” Brian said softly, barely above a whisper.

“No,” Eddie agreed. “But making a demo to shop around to all the labels is a hell of lot closer than we were two weeks ago.”

Gareth let out a shuddering breath. “I thought that song would do it for us, you know. That it would put us on the map.”

“Hey,” Jeff said. “It still might. We just have to knock the recording out of the ballpark too.”

“Think of it as a campaign,” Eddie suggested. “You found the magical item, now you just got to get to the final boss. There’ll be other adventures along the way, but we’ll get there.”

They all nodded.

*

Steve was set to start his painting. Eddie was strewn out on a bed of red satin, his hair a halo around his head, his body beautifully stretched. Steve yearned.

He yearned to press his lips on the indent of Eddie’s collar bone. To taste the line where hip met leg. To run his fingers through those dark locks. To bring a flush to those pale cheeks.

Steve bit down on his lip. He couldn’t fuck this up. Not like what he did last year. He had to paint the whole thing. His face, his thighs, his cock. Steve couldn’t cover anything up or place anything in the frame that cover any part of Eddie.

Everything else? Was completely up to interpretation. He could Lucifer fallen from heaven (if you wanted to torture yourself with painting wings). He could be fair Lysander asleep from Puck’s flower. He could be from any myth, legend or story.

Steve had chosen Eros asleep when Psyche comes to him the first time. Because if there was anyone who fit the god of desire and love, it was Eddie.

He got to work on sketching Eddie’s outline. Choosing the scene carefully. And then when he was home he would work on painting the bed, using an old catalogue as reference for the four poster bed he wanted.  

Every time Joyce walked by when he was painting Eddie, she would nod her approval and walk on.

*

“Fuck, Chrissy!” Eddie cried, burying his face into the throw pillows on her sofa. “The way he looks at me makes it very hard not to get aroused. And I cannot get aroused. I’ve tried thinking of horror movies, cataloguing my band t-shirts in order of when I got them, or even Jeff in a tutu!”

She patted his head gently. “Is this beer, ice cream, or Chinese food freak out?”

Eddie raised his head thoughtfully. “Chinese food.”

Chrissy nodded and went to go make their order. She squeezed onto the sofa between his head and the armrest. She began threading her fingers gently through his hair.

“Do you think he’s doing it on purpose? Like to fuck with you?” she asked softly. “Or you think he has the hots for you so bad it’s leaking out all over the place?”

Eddie slowly sat up next to her and put his head on her shoulder. “I want to believe it’s the latter. But we really haven’t done much except grab the occasional coffee. We text and call all the time, but I don’t know what means.”

“Have you told him you’ve had a crush on him for awhile?” Chrissy asked. Her and Pearl spent most of their shifts together complaining about how their best friends were morons that kept making googly eyes at each other.

“No...” Eddie said with a sigh, dragging his hands over face. “Because of the nude thing.”

“What’s up with the nude thing that prevents you from going after what you want?” She shifted on the sofa to prop her head up on her fist, her elbow on the back of the sofa.

“It’s already hard enough keeping everything down,” he gestured vaguely below his waist, “but add actually knowing what he tastes like, knowing what his skin feels like under my hands, my lips, my tongue? It would take all of two fucking seconds of him looking at me with those bedroom eyes and I’d be harder than that god damn concrete floor.”

Chrissy giggled. “Yeah, I could see how that would be a problem. That’s the best part about being a woman, when we get aroused, it’s a lot harder to tell.”

Eddie scoffed. “Which also makes it the worst part about being a woman because then it means the other person is fucking clueless.”

“Mostly guys,” she agreed.

“Are you glad you’re a lesbian?” he teased, going into tickle her sides.

She squealed with laughter and batted him aside. “Knock that off.”

Just then the doorbell rang. “That’s our food. Saved by the bell.”

Chrissy hopped up to get the food and paid. She set their food on the coffee table and began going through the boxes.

“You didn’t have to do that,” Eddie said. “I could have at least covered the tip.”

Chrissy laughed. “Babe, you’re working part time as model and getting paid by the gig. Save your money. I get paid $15 an hour plus tips. Believe me when I say, I’ve got this.”

He kissed her cheek. “I’m glad the Queen’s Crown is working out for you, sweetie. You seem so much happier since you’ve started working there.”

“Yeah,” she agreed. “And Diamond is thinking of hiring a third bartender things are going so well. It used to be that they only needed the one on week days and two on Fridays and Saturdays, which is when Diamond would step in and help. But with how well Garnet and I get on, we have more people coming in on the week days and we’re getting better tips, too. So Diamond wants to bring in a third so that Garnet leaves we’ll still have two at the bar.”

“Wow,” Eddie said. “I’ve been stuck in the same place for so long...” he spread out his hands, “I forgot what freedom was. We’ve been in the studio recording the last couple of weeks working on our demo to be shopped around.” He sighed heavily. “I’ve writing every moment I can. Hell, most of my best lyrics come from me just lying there for three hours. Well...the ones that don’t have Steve in them, anyway.”

Chrissy laughed. “Oh, I’m sure the lyrics that come from those classes are way to risque for radio.”

Eddie blushed and shoved hair in front of his face. “Shit, Chris. I don’t know.”

She ate her food thoughtfully watching Eddie push his food around. She nudged his shoulder with hers. “So what’s the real problem?” He looked up at her confusion. “I know you. There is something else that’s bothering you, love. You’re wound up so tight.”

Eddie shrugged. “I don’t know.” He set his food down and clasped his hands together, looking down at his feet.

She bumped him again. “You just talked about the freedom to write music, to get the chance to really do something with your life. But I don’t see it in your features, babe.”

“What happens to Steve if I do get a record deal and have to start touring?” he muttered mournfully. “What happens if we’re more than friends when we leave? I just feel torn apart. Having to chose between the life I’ve always dreamed, and my man of my dreams. I don’t know if I would chose touring with the guys if it came down it.” He threw his arms around her. “I would chose Steve every time and that scares me.”

“Oh.” She set her own food on the floor and wrapped her arms him. “Oh, sweetie. That’s why you have to talk to him. Because it sounds to me like those questions have answers only he can give.”

Eddie let out a sob. “What if the answer is that he doesn’t want to try because he doesn’t want to be left behind?”

She kissed the top of his head. “How would you be leaving him behind? Just because he stays in one place while you tour, doesn’t mean you’ve left him behind. It just means you’ve given yourself a home to come back to.”

Eddie looked up at her in awe. “Oh.” He snuggled in close. “You’re the best friend an idiot could ask for.”

She poked his side until he squirmed. “You’re not an idiot, Eddie. Anymore than you were an asshole about Steve. You can only work with the knowledge you have. And yeah, maybe some of your choices were pretty fucked up, you were able to move past it and become friends.”

Eddie let out a shuddering breath. And then another. “I love you, Chrissy.”

“I know, sweetie,” Chrissy murmured, kissing the top of his head.

*

“You wanted to know who Garnet is,” Jonathan snapped. “So that’s why we’re here.”

Nancy sighed. “Doesn’t this go against the bar’s rules or whatever?”

Jonathan threw his arms in the air. “I don’t care at this point. They all know who I am and I know who they are. Because shit happens outside of work sometimes and it gets revealed.”

Nancy rolled her eyes. “I’ll just go to the bar tonight like Onyx suggested.”

Jonathan furrowed his brow. “No. Absolutely not. Because if you do, you’ll get upset and if you get upset, you’ll make a scene and if you make a scene Diamond will ban you.”

It was Nancy’s turn to throw her arms in the air. “Can’t you just tell me who it is?”

“Because you wouldn’t believe him,” a warm, gentle voice said behind her.

She whirled around and gasped. “Steve!”

Steve smiled sadly. “Hey, Nance.”

She looked back and forth between Jonathan and Steve in shock. “He’s Garnet?”

Both men nodded.

“Pure coincidence,” Jonathan said. “I had been working at the bar for a year when we needed a new bartender. Steve came in with Robin and they were both hired.”

Nancy’s eyebrows shot up. “Robin works there too?”

“Yup!” Steve said with a smile. The smile slowly slid from his face. “Look. I know me turning out to be gay was hard on you. Especially with how it all came out. But just remember, I didn’t come out because I wanted to, it was because I forced to.”

Nancy buried her head in her hands, she looked up at him, anger sparking in her eyes. “If you hadn’t tried to be a hero...”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t just hear you say that it would have been better for a girl to be raped and not realize I’m gay over what I did,” Steve snarled.

She opened her mouth to refute him but no sound would come out.

“I’m sorry it ruined your life, Nancy,” Steve said. “But it wasn’t just your life that was ruined. Do you know long it took for me me to walk down the street without people whispering behind their fingers? How long it took to be able to look at myself in the mirror because of the scars around my neck? I’m sorry I’m the reason you can’t trust Jonathan, but fucking hell Nancy, you aren’t as big as the victim you are making yourself out to be.”

Jonathan touched her elbow. “I didn’t know you felt this way. You need to talk to someone, Nance. That was some pretty messed up shit I just heard.”

Her lip began to quiver. “I didn’t mean that. I swear I didn’t. Because you’re right, that was so mess up.” She let out a shuddering breath. “The newspaper has someone...I’ll give him a call.”

Steve reached out and held open his arms to her. Nancy wavered a moment, looking to Jonathan. He nodded and she ran for Steve’s arms. He wrapped her up in a fierce hug.

“I’m sorry, Steve,” she whispered. “I’ve just been so angry for so long.”

He kissed the top of her head. “You’ve got a good boyfriend there, Nance. Take advantage of that, okay?”

Nancy nodded. “Okay.”

He gave her a brief squeeze and let her go. “I’ve got to get to class. But you take care of yourself, you hear?”

She smiled and let Jonathan lead her away.

Part 13  Part 14  Part 15  Part 16  Part 17 Epilogue

Tag List: @artiststarme @allbymyselfexceptformycactus @spectrum-spectre @estrellami-1 @swimmingbirdrunningrock @gregre369 @itsall-taken @m-owo-n @zerokrox-blog @runyousillydetective @grimmfitzz @wonderland-girl143-blog @sapphirecobalt-1 @scheodingers-muppet @victor-thee-corvid @apricottree @bookbinderbitch @sleepyboosstuff @biatcgh @pixiefallingupthestairs @grtwdsmwhr @thepainisspicy @carlyv @eboyawstenn @bisexualdisastersworld @bidisastersworld @abstractnaturaldisaster @evix-syne666 @nerdsconquerall @lololol-1234 @goodolefashionedloverboi @chaoticlovingdreamer @a-little-unsteddie @val-from-lawrence @i-must-potato @elluminis @tailsfromthecrypt @danili666 @plyerice27 @alittlegreyfish  @n0-1-important @no-upper-limit-to-stupidity @maya-custodios-dionach @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @heaven428 @thedragonsaunt @ceaselessly-watching @imfinereallyy

[lililovesthings]

How did I miss this??? (Part 2)

Now previously I said that I think these two have been together (and I mean TOGETHER together) for a very long time.

I have had some more thoughts/theories...they just keep coming and to be honest I'm not even sure where to start but I'll give it a go.

I do not expect anyone to read this but in all honesty, I just need to get it out. This has been going round in my head for a few days whilst I attempt to form it into a path of logical reasoning. I think I am there and there are holes but hopefully you lot can help me fill them in. So, get comfy, we might be here a while…

Assuming the meeting in Rome was a date...they have been doing this for a long time. Now at first they were extremely careful but over the centuries they became a little more brazen with being seen in public together, knowing what they could get away with. Again, nothing too obvious.

Now, many have been talking about the bookshop as a metaphor for Aziraphale and Crowley's relationship, but I think it's more than that. I shall explain:

Before I get into it, a few pieces of information that are relatively common knowledge and/or I have come across in my daily browsing (I can’t find where I saw all of them, so anyone please help):

Neil Gaiman has said that the scenes we see between Aziraphale and Crowley aren’t all the times they’ve met. This is just the meetings we see – which is understandable considering they’ve been on the planet for 6000 years.

Zira and Crowley evidently have some form of connection or awareness to their respective head offices. Even going so far as to know when they are being watched (S1, EP 6) just before they swap back.

We can all agree that there is almost nothing that is not there for a reason; details, easter eggs, acting choices, props, set etc.

We also know that the story is pretty much plotted out so it stands to reason that there will be a few story threads that go through all episodes, however subtly.

OK. So.

Aziraphale bought the bookshop in the 1700s, up until then where did they hang out? I'm thinking they were using the various 'rendezvous points' anyway regardless, we know Crowley has a flat but we also know that hell has a sort of direct line to it.

Anywhere is very open and somewhere they can be watched. Celestials have materialized inside the car, on the street, in the flat, even on the TV. The only place they never seem to materialize? The bookshop. Even Metatron came in through the front door (when he isn't a floating head summoned through a portal). note it has no TV and no radio if I remember. The only time any demons have materialised is at the end when Gabriel got his memories back. I believe that's because the demons were "invited" in earlier on.

Here's my point. The bookshop is their safe place, it's THEIR space. Remember we don't see everything, we haven't seen everything. Every time we see them, they are in a public place, with someone watching or in the bookshop...with the curtains open. And remember, they KNOW when they're being watched.

Allow me to draw your attention to Season 2, Episode 1. Crowley is already on the way to the bookshop when Zira calls him, and when they meet in the coffee shop he is rather confused as to why they aren't in the bookshop. (Then of course we have the whole naked man friend fiasco and Crowley's reaction to that...)

When they do go to the bookshop I noticed Crowley DOES NOT EVEN QUESTION WHY ZIRA IS CLOSING THE BLINDS. He has no idea Gabriel is there, (he just knows something about a naked man, which is another conversation). Now this suggests to me that this is something that is done often.

They go into the bookshop and have their 'us time'.

This also helps this make sense:

All lovers meetings would be in the bookshop. That was their space. Alone. Where no one was watching.

Now you may be thinking “We’ve seen them alone in the bookshop before when no one was watching and they weren’t behaving like a couple.” But someone was watching. WE were watching. And as we’ve established g-d only shows us what she wants us to see. She is telling the story.

I also think they have gotten so good at pretending in public that they have developed a code of sorts. For example, I think 'Breakfast/dinner at the Ritz' means something totally different.

They care for each other so deeply that they cannot stand putting each other in harms way.

They are celestial beings so their idea of love and relationships is something that is totally different and beyond the understanding of humans.

They saw Beelzebub and Gabriel be together openly in front of everyone and Zira grabbed Crowley’s arm. To me that is a very ‘familiar’ gesture. It’s saying ‘Look, they’re doing it. We can do that too.’ He then proceeds to look at Crowley with such loving adoration as if he cannot see any reason that they can’t be together openly and honestly.

Aziraphale then goes to coffee with Metatron whilst Crowley waits in the bookshop and tidies up. There is something strange about this. Throughout the time he is taking care of the bookshop whilst Zira is in Scotland, we see him chucking books all over the place. Even at the end we see him chuck a tray of food on the chair. So why is he tidying up now? – he tidies up because they are going to USE it.

He says, they are going to an ‘Extremely alcoholic breakfast at the Ritz.’ So if they are not going to be at the bookshop, why would it matter if Muriel is there or if it’s tidy? They do need US time. It’s a euphemism, it’s code. “Breakfast at the Ritz”, “I’ll give you a lift”, “Waiting inside”.

This is why it shocks Crowley so much when Nina thinks they’re a couple. They think they have been hiding it so well for a VERY long time and he can’t believe that someone has thought that for real. Yes we have all done it and been on the receiving end when someone thinks you’re a couple and you aren’t, it happens. But Nina just flat out refuses to believe that they’re not.

That is when Crowley goes to the winebar. Zira asks him why he isn’t ‘waiting inside’ “You like waiting inside.” As in “We never have a date in public, they can see us.” Then Crowley explains it’s because Jim is in the bookshop but in reality it’s probably partly because he’s realised that they haven’t hidden it as well as they thought they did, so they may as well sit there.

That reaction when Shax says to Zira, that hes not Crowley’s type? Seriously, that is a very much a “That’s what you think.” look.

We are a group of the two of us and we’ve spent our existence pretending that we aren’t. – They really were pretending. He wasn’t talking about being in denial about their feelings for one another, he was literally saying they were PRETENDING not to be together. Now he wants everyone to know. He doesn't want to pretend anymore.

He thought Zira felt the same way until he told him about the whole 'going back to heaven' situation. Not sure how it would have gone if Crowley spoke first.

Aziraphale did not seem shocked by Crowley's confession. He already knows. What he doesn't understand is why he doesn't want to go to heaven.

Zira still believes in the fundamental goodness of heaven because he has nothing to compare it to. Crowley has been on both sides and knows they are both as bad as each other “Life on earth would be just as dead, if heaven ended it.” That’s is why Crowley wants so stay on earth or go away with Zira.

Zira wants to go with Crowley to heaven because as others have pointed out, that’s where he believes they will have the best life and be able to be together. Crowley knows different, he was cast out into a pool of boiling sulphur just for asking questions. So he walks away and says ‘good luck’. Zira has not had the same experience of heaven Crowley has, Crowley has experienced the worst of the universe on both sides and can’t live like that anymore.

So "You can't leave this bookshop" yes, indeed, as we have established means "Don't leave US."

We could have been ‘US’. But Aziraphale won’t see it. So Crowley does the only thing he can think of and kiss the love of his entire existence. Whilst they are being watched. That is why Aziraphale says ‘I forgive you’. It isn’t just an ‘I love you’ it’s an ‘I forgive you for telling them our secret.’ I forgive you for trying to change my mind.

More in Part 3...

[lulu2992]

Today is the 5th Anniversary of Far Cry New Dawn!

I watched the Story Trailer again recently, and that reminded me that Joseph says something in the video...

After all I’ve done, and after all we’ve been through, you’ve come seeking help... from me? You must be truly terrified.

...that isn’t in the game. I don’t know if it’s because it was only recorded for the trailer or because it ended up being cut, but I think it was a great line and it’s a shame he doesn’t say it in the sequel.

The Voice’s prophecy was fulfilled and Joseph was right about the Collapse, so he feels vindicated and, in my opinion, doesn’t regret everything he’s done, but the line suggests that he’s at least come to realize that, maybe, the people of Hope County had a good reason to be upset, after all. Seventeen years ago, he believed accepting his help was the only logical option for them, but he apparently now understands that, from their point of view, seeking his assistance was always far from being the obvious choice. And if they do it anyway, that means the situation really is desperate...

Now, when he says “you”, it could be plural and referring to Prosperity as a whole, but if it’s singular, since the Security Captain has no history with the Father and he’s not an enemy to them at all (basically just a strange old man with family problems who gives them superpowers), the line was most likely not directed at them. If it was just for the trailer, maybe he’s addressing the players, but if it was supposed to be in the game, I wonder which character he could be talking to. Was one of the Captain’s allies, an enemy of Eden’s Gate, going to have to meet and speak with Joseph in an early version of the story?

New Eden and Prosperity (sort of) join forces against the Highwaymen in New Dawn, but the Captain is there to act as an intermediary. Joseph directly interacting with Kim, Jerome, or any other character from Far Cry 5, though? I highly doubt they would have become friends, but it certainly would have been interesting, and I would have loved to see that!

There’s another line in the trailer that isn’t in the game (“Power is the new currency, and thanks to your weakness, it’s easy to get rich”) but Mickey says, “The only currency in this world is power” in New Dawn, which I think is quite similar. Joseph’s unreleased line, however, doesn’t really have an equivalent.

[mingitheii]

Anniversary Surprise

Riri Williams x reader

-

Summary: Riri has a surprise for you on your anniversary trip back to Wakanda

Warnings: None i think, just fluff

Word count: 820

Masterlist

Taglist: @homie0sapien @szalipcombo @natsgirlfriend @melodykisses (lmk if you want to be added)

You and Riri decided to take a vacation for your 1 year anniversary back to Wakanda. You were very excited to be there again as you missed your sister along with many of your friends that lived there. “Heyy little sis” Shuri said, opening her arms for a hug. “I missed you so much” you breathed. “Where is everyone else?” “They’re already at the salon." You, Riri, Nakia, Okoye and Shuri would be spending the morning at the nail salon. "You two should definitely get matching nails," Nakia suggested. "For sure!" Riri replied quickly.

After the five of you got your nails done, you and Riri left the group to walk around the city. "How are you enjoying your vacation so far baby?" Riri said, smiling at you. "It's going well, I'm really excited to be spending the week here."

The two of you spent the majority of the day exploring the shops and buying new clothes. "We should wear these tonight" Riri suggested, lifting up matching rose gold and silver dresses. "What's with you and matching today?" you said looking at the two dresses. Riri just shrugged at you. "I think they're really pretty though, let's buy them" You said, taking the two dresses from her.

After the two of you bought your outfits for the night, you both returned to the palace to get ready. Almost immediately, Shuri showed up in your room. "Can I borrow Riri for a second? I wanted her to help me with this project" "Already? Shuri, we have the whole week for Riri to assist you in your lab, we have to get ready." You said pouting. "It'll only take a second, I promise," she pleaded. "Alright, alright, you two better not be late" You replied before going to take a shower.

Upon exiting the shower, you saw that you had a new pair of earrings and a necklace sitting on your bed, with a note reading. "Wear this with your outfit - Riri ;)" You smiled, putting them on before looking at yourself in the mirror. The dress complimented your curves and stopped mid thigh. You fixed up your hair and rode with Ayo to the restaurant.

----

"Are you sure everything looks okay?" Riri asked, walking up and down the room, checking over the flowers she had set up around the balcony. "Yes, don't stress about it, y/n will love it" Nakia said, grabbing Riri's shoulders, stopping her from pacing around. Riri sighed, taking a deep breath. "They are here," Okoye from the dining room. Riri ran outside to greet you.

"Hey baby, I told you I'd be here on time" she said, wrapping her arms around your waist and kissing you. "You look good Riri," you replied when she let go of you, smiling at her. "Same to you baby, you look GORGEOUS" she said kissing the corner of your lips this time. "If y'all are done, we should probably go and eat, the food is about to be done." Shuri said playfully, rolling her eyes at the two of you.

After a night of catching up with everyone at dinner Riri suggested that the two of you go out to the balcony and look at the stars. When the two of you reached the hallway she covered your eyes. "I thought we were just stepping out for a second…?" You asked her, following her lead. When she uncovered your eyes you gasped. The balcony was covered in your favorite flowers and there was faint music playing in the back. Not to mention the beautiful stars and Wakandan that you could see from there. "This is beautiful…" you said turning around, only to see Riri down on one knee.

“Y/N. We’ve been together for two years now, and I've been thinking about this for so long. But I can't see myself without you, you are such a big part of my life and I wanna spend the rest of mine with you. Y/n, will you marry me?"

"Yes!" You breathed, nodded eagerly, tearing up a little before jumping into Riri's arms and giving her a hug. Wrapping your legs around her waist. Riri kissed you as she slipped the ring onto your finger. The two of you stayed there for a moment, foreheads touching, looking into each other's eyes. "We should probably go back and tell everyone" you smirked at Riri.

Upon walking into the hallway, you saw Nakia and Shuri standing in front of the two of you. "How long have y'all been-" "Did she ask you?" "Yes" you smiled widely, lifting up your hand to reveal a beautiful ring. "I told you she wouldn't chicken out." Shuri said, jabbing Nakia a little bit, before laughing. The four of you came out of the hallway, Shuri grabbed your hand lifting it up and yelled, "MY LITTLE SISTER IS ENGAGED Y'ALL". Okoye, Ayo and Aneka coming up to congratulate you.

A/n: Yes I am alive y'all 😭😭 hopefully y'all like this, I've been struggling with writers block for like two weeks so

[taylorrepdetective]

What do you make of the nfl/taylor/pr stuff going on? Those Kelcey family comments are something

I think people in general are overreacting over the response and making more of it than is there. It’s pretty straightforward. The kelces want publicity. They have a bunch of stuff to promo. Even Mama has product. Taylor likewise, and she’s used to it. But the kelces pursued a ton of attention back in February around the Super Bowl so they are not shy about fame. They are selling themselves, as they have been for awhile. Of course add in Taylor, and it’s gonna become huge, but I think they are handling it perfectly (or very close.)

The NFL likewise jumped on the possibility of expanding its audience and boosting ratings. How much of it was done in cahoots with Taylor and the kelces is the real question. I haven’t seen anything to suggest Taylor and the NFL aren’t working together, though they tried to spin it that they weren’t. But once again if you parse the words and separate what is coming from sources and what is official statements (where they likely wouldn’t outright lie) you can see they aren’t denying Taylor being involved. Just that she wasn’t involved in everything.

On the other end I see people trying to spin mama’s appearance on the today show as her throwing shade at Taylor or something, but I watched the whole video and people, as usual, are taking it out of context to feed their own biases. When she said “it was Ok” it was clearly done in a joking way like any of us would do like “how was meeting Taylor?” “Oh you know it was ok lol” *screaming inside* and that’s how the hosts took it and that’s how normal audiences watching it would take it. Only chronically online people would spin it to be a diss.

Also what I think people aren’t used to is that they are admitting to the promo side of it. By not trying to hide that, it actually in a weird way, lends authenticity to it, and this is something we’re not used to. They are basically saying “yes, we’re gettin publicity, here’s what we’re selling, isn’t this great! But also we’re not talking about the details of the romance side because that’s private.” This is new and refreshing and I think it’s great but swifties are definitely thrown off by this because it’s soooooo different from from the last 7 years. So people see some it in a negative light. But if you actually listen to what the kelces are saying, they really haven’t said anything beyond “it’s fun we’re happy, Taylor’s great!” There is nothing wrong with that. Might I remind people that one of the things people hated about joe was that he never uttered her name or had a favorite song or praised her at all? We knew they could be private without being so damn WEIRD. And now we are here.

Literally the ONLY misstep I’ve seen from this whole circus is Travis supposedly staying over at Taylor’s the night before the Jets game. And that is the only thing we’ve seen real damage control over, other than simply “is the NFL doing too much” which only something the NFL really has to do damage control over because the kelces and taylor are just saying, “hey that was their choice I can’t help it if they overdid it. But I’m having fun.”

I think overall it’s been a very successful run so far. Only time will tell what the end game is here. But I stand by my thoughts that it’s likely to be relatively short lived. Whether that means weeks or months, I can’t say.

[coraniaid]

Most of the notes I made for myself while watching Passion were complaints or criticisms, but I do think it’s worth saying up front that I honestly love this episode.  For all its flaws I completely agree with the popular critical consensus on this one: I think it’s a genuinely great episode of television.  One of the best parts of the high school seasons and quite possibly the highest peak the show has managed to hit so far.

In a lot of ways it picks up where Innocence left off.  Both episodes lean heavily into the metaphorical reading of the newly soulless Angel as an older boyfriend who turned out to be a creep after Buffy slept with him (“Don’t tell me,” says Joyce early on.  “He's not the same guy you fell for.”).  Both episodes work very hard to show us that Angel is not redeemable – first with the Judge last season declaring him “clean” of humanity, now with Angel killing Jenny.  But Passion hits a little harder, I think, because there’s no counterpart to that rocket launcher scene.  The good guys don’t get to enjoy even a partial victory here.

Other thoughts:

I think this is a surprisingly good episode for Joyce, in a way we don’t typically really get until Season 3.  It hits the right balance between showing that Buffy and her mother struggle to communicate but that this doesn’t mean they don’t bother deeply care about each other.  Buffy’s concern for her mother is paramount throughout the first half of the episode (and Giles’ insistence that she can’t tell her mother about being a Slayer is more than slightly hypocritical, given that we’ve already been told that his parents always knew about him being a Watcher).  

Of course Joyce herself isn’t perfect – she doesn’t know the whole story, and yes Angel only tells her that he slept with Buffy because he knows Buffy well enough to anticipate Joyce’s reaction – but however bad The Talk goes it doesn’t feel like this really had as much of an impact as Angel would have been hoping for.  It doesn’t seem to have really damaged their relationship.  I believe Joyce when she says she loves Buffy “more than anything in the world” even if (she thinks) Buffy’s trying to shut her out.  And I think this particular conversation, and the way Buffy can only say “you’re not” when her mother suggests she’s “grossing her out” is the sort of thing Season 5 is calling back to when, three years from now, Buffy will tell Giles that “my mom is gone … and I loved her more than anything … and I don’t know if she knew.”

(I think the shot of Joyce hugging Willow when they get the call from Giles is a nice touch too.  That whole scene from Angel’s perspective is so good, isn’t it?  The whole framing device with his voiceover too.  It should probably be kind of cheesy, but it’s not.  Maybe it helps that I just think Angel is a really fun villain.)

Speaking of that scene: everything between Willow and Jenny is so sad knowing what’s coming up later.  I remember being slightly surprised, back in Season 1, that Willow didn’t seem to immediately warm to Jenny despite their mutual interest in computers (“how come she’s in the club?” she protested in Prophecy Girl).  But I think the show has done just enough by the halfway point of this episode to make it seem credible that of all the Scoobies Willow in particular would be hardest hit by her death.  (The juxtaposition of Willow being excited and eager to take over Jenny’s teaching responsibilities at the start of the episode and then how somber she looks when she is taking over for her at the end is particularly good.)

It rankles slightly, in the way I’ve complained about before, that the script still reduces Jenny to “Giles’ girlfriend” at times and that one of the reactions to her death – by somebody who knew Jenny! – is “poor Giles”.  Nobody even thinks to suggest that Angel might have killed Jenny for some reason other than hurting her boyfriend.  Equally Giles seems unnecessarily dismissive of Buffy’s concern about the fact that Angel has been sneaking into her room at night at the start of the episode.  But the scene with Jenny’s boyfriend attacking Angel in the factory (after the rather complacent advice of “you mustn’t let Angel get to you.  No matter how provocative his behavior may become”) and then Buffy coming to save him, giving up the chance to kill Angel herself to pull him out of the fire, is so good I’m almost persuaded to overlook it.

And the mere fact of Jenny Calendar’s death itself – despite the weird retcon about her past and the fact the show insists she betrayed the Scooby Gang while showing us she didn’t, despite the fact they bury her under a name she never used in the show, despite the fact that after this season ends Jenny’s name will only be spoken on screen twice, despite the fact it establishes the precedent that will later be used for any number of increasingly questionable ‘shocking’ deaths in the Buffyverse – despite everything, it’s still utterly heartbreaking.

Jenny isn’t the first recurring character the show’s killed off, but she’s the first recurring character of any significance (with apologies to Jesse and Principal Flutie).  Or, I suppose, technically she’s just the first recurring character of any significance who dies and doesn’t get better.  The first recurring character who won’t be coming back.  The first recurring character that Buffy and her friends show any sign of missing.  And the first recurring character that the audience will care about losing.

I just think this episode could have been even better if the writers themselves cared about Jenny Calendar at all.

[idealisticrealism]

TCL 2x08 recap

Well, I guess it’s not surprising that I broke my record with this one lol. Honestly this episode made me suffer so goddamn much and I loved every single minute of it. 

So in honour of the hiatus this week, have this very belated monster instead lol

Like seriously, you already know you’re ~In For It~ when the ep opens with Thony watching her baby boy sleep like she’s been sitting there practically all night ugh.  And then her hurriedly packing a bag with enough clothes to last at least a week or more and not even waiting for the rest of the household to wake up before getting Fi to get them out of there?? God you just know she spent the whole night thinking about the danger she’d put them in, and all the choices she’d made, and now she’s doing what Thony does and Trying To Fix Everything Herself. At least she finally tells Fi a tiny bit more about what’s going on with Garrett and the FBI though (sidenote: I find it really cute to imagine the conversation last night where the family is all ready to go to bed and Garrett is just like ‘oh don’t mind me, I’m just gonna hang here on your couch for a couple hours… any chance you have an iphone charger?’ lol). But ugh I love Fi’s “If we go, we go together” to Thony bc firstly these two and their sisterhood gets me every time, but also it’s reminiscent of Arman’s “We’ll do it together” from 2x07, and now I’m emotional thinking about the fact that for years Thony could only truly rely on herself, and now she is surrounded by people who love her, who want to help carry her burdens with her and who would do anything for her. Plus the whole “Oh so this is about him?” / “No, it’s about you! It’s about our family” exchange is so goddamn amazing because the truth is that it’s both– Fi and the kids are her family, but now Arman is her family too, and she is doing whatever she can to protect them all ughhhhhh

Ugh Chris and Fi continually have such incredible scenes together. I love their dynamic, the conflict and the support and the way that they’re still always a team. There’s such a well done mix of parent-child dynamic (like her reassuring him when he started to freak out that the cops had come back), and a kind-of-team-mates situation (him helping get the kids ready to go to JD’s, etc), which makes a lot of sense for an oldest child and a single parent. Chris has shown before that while he’s definitely a moody teenager lol, when it comes down to it, he really does take that ‘man of the house’ role seriously and if Fi’s biggest protector– like when he got in between her and Marco and defended her when Marco was yelling at her in like 1x09 or whenever that was. Which is probably partly why he ended up going to the police station too, because he couldn’t face her being punished in order to protect him when his whole job (as he sees it) is protecting her. 

Honestly this show just loves stomping on my heart– Thony’s face as she says goodbye to Luca just kills me, because it just takes me back to 1x06 and “I just want to hold Luca without thinking it’s going to be the last time, you know?” ughhhh.  Back then it was Luca who could be taken from her at any moment, and while tbh that still remains a possibility (whether from rejection of the liver, or one of Kamdar’s men coming after him), now the fear is more that she might be taken from him, that she won’t live to see Luca and the others come home. And god the shot of her standing there alone as they drive away, not even able to force a smile and a wave as they go?? I already feel personally attacked by this episode and we’ve literally only just gotten to the title credits ugh

Ok as much as I hate female characters being killed off to further the development of a male character, I do kind of look forward to seeing what happens with Garrett as a result of all this. Also oooh his suggestion of a mole is interesting– hopefully not Jefferson though, bc he’s cute and I like him haha. I think Garrett might be grasping a bit at the mole idea because if that’s not the case, then he’d have to face the idea that maybe it was him that messed up and left her vulnerable somehow. Also lol getting Kamdar on profiteering is so Al Capone; he’d probably love the idea of following in such famous footsteps. He’d have his lawyers get him off immediately though, bc lbr he can afford the best. But damn Russo’s “[these men are] never the ones pulling the trigger”-- don’t we know that all too well ugh

Of course Thony is doing housework lol– I’m going to take that as a subtle throwback to 1x01, when she was frantically cleaning the kitchen after Theo’s murder and Fi said that she does this when she’s spinning out. Bc though she looks outwardly calm rn, I definitely think she is spinning out, especially with the way she freezes at the knock on the door. But ugh the way she practically slumps in relief at Arman’s voice just gets to me; she’s there alone, spending every moment in fear of someone coming to hurt or kill her, and then the one person she feels safest around– who has literally proven (twice!) that he’d kill for her– turns up instead. (I’m not crying, you’re crying). Though I’m guessing she was expecting him– from the way they talk about meeting with Garrett, it sounds like they’ve been in communication between last night and now; plus, given that Fi took the van, Thony has no transport to get to any meeting location. But ugh the way he only ventures a few steps into the laundry– far enough that he gets a small glimpse of the rooms beyond, but still not really entering her home, because he has no idea whether he would be welcome in that space or not. And when he sees the neatly made bed that is clearly Luca’s, and hears the kind of eerie silence that never exists in a house full of kids, he knows what she’s given up because of him. I love his “you should have gone with them”– telling her that she doesn’t need to see herself as trapped like he is, and that he wouldn’t blame her if she left, even if it caused Kamdar to retaliate against him. Her safety is what matters to him more than anything else. And then omg when he says he’s going to stay with her (Is anyone else hearing faint strains of ‘Someone To Watch Over Me’ playing in the distance or is that just me??), and she just nods???? (never mind me, I’ll just be over here screaming into a pillow for a few minutes at the idea of them staying there alone together aaaahhh). But also oh man I am obsessed with the fact that the old Thony would have said that she was fine, that she was handling things and she could manage on her own. But now she has learned to trust him, and to let herself rely on him to be there for her. She knows that she’d be safer with him there, and she also knows that he doesn’t have a place of his own at the moment– but above all that, she just wants him there. She needs him, and she’s still hurting for the both of them about what happened last night– you can see it in the way her eyes are less able to hold his, and hear it in “I keep playing it in my mind… what he made you do…” ughhhh.  I love her line “maybe we could have done something different” because I could see him instinctively taking that to mean she wished that he had found another way, had made another choice rather than shooting Maya; but she’s actually wishing they’d been able to do something that would have prevented Robert ever using him in that way, would have prevented that pain and burden being put on him. Like I definitely think she is struggling a lot with Maya’s death, but when it plays over in her mind, I don’t think it’s Maya that she’s focused on. I think it’s Arman’s face that she keeps seeing, the panic and then the pain as he realises what he’s going to have to do, and the devastation afterwards, his tears in the car still haunting her. Honestly even though this show hasn’t given us a Thony-crying-in-the-shower scene since the pilot (which is both a good thing and a tragedy, honestly lol), I’m absolutely certain she sobbed in the shower last night after taking off that red dress. Crying for Maya, for Garrett, for herself; but above all, for Arman.

And now, standing here with him in the laundry, she seems like she’s trying not to cry again, her voice all low and her body tense, and it’s only a minute before he cracks and has to reach for her; he’s clearly been holding himself back from her but he just can’t anymore. But ugh the gentleness of the way he touches her arms– instead of just pulling her into an embrace, he basically asks permission to hold her, giving her the chance to either step back and maintain her space, or to lean into his support. And though she hesitates for the tiniest moment– which I’m interpreting as her being afraid to hold him because she feels that if she does, she might not be able to bring herself to let go– she soon gives in and just lets herself have this, lets herself lean into him and wrap her arms around him. Tbh I wasn’t sure at first if her arms were still kind of between them, but after many rewatches I’m convinced she’s definitely holding onto him– and plus I stg there is a sound right before she sighs, like movement against fabric, and I choose to believe the sound mixer person put it in there as the sound of her arms wrapping around him under his jacket lol. And then oh god the sigh. The way she closes her eyes and lets out that breath, lets herself have just those couple of seconds to forget everything else and just be held by him?? Help??

Except ugh that’s all she allows herself– after that one brief moment, her eyes open again and her jaw clenches, and she bites her lip and holds on just that little bit tighter before she forces herself to move back and away, getting them both back on task. And he lets her go immediately– the whole time through the hug he kept his grip light, giving her the control, and honestly the hint of reserve in the way they hold each other makes perfect sense. For him, it’s about not wanting to push her; for her, it’s about protecting herself. She may trust him completely, and be able to rely on him for anything, but she’s careful with her heart, and he’s still married. He’d never deliberately string her along or hurt her, of course, but his situation is still complicated and she doesn’t know what is going to happen. What she does know, though, is that she loves him, and that this might be all she ever gets to have of him. 

God it is such a blessing that the caddy is so recognisable (and probably very inefficient in terms of gas lol), because it means that the bike is the go-to choice for transport these days, and I am so supportive of this lol. Not only is it hot, but I am definitely into all the semi-embracing involved haha. Like what’s the bet Thony actually holds him closer than she needs to on the ride, sinking into him in the way she couldn’t allow herself during their hug? And ugh they look like such a sexy matching pair with their jackets (ngl I saw a jacket the other day that looked a fair bit like the one she wears in this ep, and I ended up buying it lol), which just further highlights their partnership as they face off against Garrett. But oh boy, this is awkward: “now we’re going to take Kamdar down for murder. Him, and whoever pulled the trigger [...] I’m going to make sure every one of those bastards rots behind bars” and lol well if they were planning on trying to tell you the truth before, Garrett, they sure ain’t now.  And ugh the way Thony stands up to him and says that they can’t help him catch Maya’s killer, and Arman immediately looks at her– possibly wondering if she’s about to tell the truth, but trusting her enough not to try to stop her if she is– and then instead she protects him, using logic to explain to Garrett why they can’t help, yet still lying to him just like she’d said she didn’t want to do. Honestly I love so much that even despite her reluctant regard for Garrett, and the way she feels indebted to him for the ways he’s helped her family (though lbr that’s got to be tempered by the ways in which he has previously also hurt her and her family), there’s no question about which side she’s on. Even from the start, her loyalty to Arman outweighed Garrett’s threats and the power of the law behind him, and though she wants them all to be on the same side, she will protect Arman to the end, even if it means completely betraying Garrett and screwing him over. Still, she and Arman are caught between a rock and a hard place rn, trapped by both Kamdar and by Garrett. But if they can take down one, they can be free of the other, so they agree to set up the meet to trap Kamdar. I love that when he brings out the listening devices (sidenote: they’re cool and I’d probably choose the USB or the necklace lol) Arman immediately refuses to let Garrett put her at risk by making her wear one, while Garrett tries to push her into it by using her family as an argument– and I could have easily seen that escalating into a conflict between the two men but Thony just calmly uses logic again and tells Garrett about Kamdar always checking for wires. And ughhhhh that means that this is yet another moment where the writers could have given me the gift of the Robert-making-her-undress reveal but didn’t! Goddammit haha. Anyway to Garret’s credit, he does actually listen to her most of the time, which is why I can’t help but have a certain fondness for him haha. But ugh I’m forever obsessed with all the little glances between Thony and Arman in this scene, the silent conversation happening that Garrett is not a part of– this is some legit married behaviour lol

Okay I’m like unreasonably delighted by the fact that Thony brings Arman in through the front door this time? Like look it could have purely been due to filming factors (ie, having the whole thing shot in the kitchen/lounge area saves having to film them walking through the laundry first), but still. The symbolismmmmm. @enigmaticfox has already made this amazing post about it (seriously go read it) and like she said, there’s something so impactful about the way Thony opens the door wide and grants him access (get your mind out of the gutter Laura), and then when he hovers in the kitchen– looking to her for direction, not wanting to overstep his bounds– she instantly invites him further into her space, the place that is her home and her sanctuary. I love that she takes her shoes off– part habit, of course, but also a sign of feeling comfortable and secure– while he leaves his on. Which is also likely partly habit, since leaving shoes on in the house is common in the US, and also when a guest in another’s home in Mexico. But I also think he is half-expecting to be dismissed at any moment, and so taking off his shoes would feel kind of presumptuous, like it would be sending a message that he’s now here to stay regardless of what she wants. And ugh the way his eyes move around the space, taking it all in, and then focus over in the direction of Luca’s room– while he doesn’t look directly at her bed, I’m choosing to believe he clocked it and realised that that area is her ‘bedroom’, and so despite his intense curiosity about this aspect of her life that he hasn’t yet seen, he respectfully keeps his gaze away, letting her have her privacy. And then ugh I could even get all metaphorical about the way he sits on a single chair while she sits on a couch (aka, furniture which is designed to be shared by multiple people) and also with one of Luca’s toys right next to her– her family isn’t there, but they’re there, always beside her; meanwhile he's alone, visibly separate– except that with her body language, she bridges that gap between them. And don’t even get me started on the way she crosses her legs up under her, much like she does when around her family– like with her taking the shoes off, this is another sign of how safe she feels with him, basically the human equivalent of how a cat will only sleep with its paws tucked under its body when it's around people it trusts. You don’t sit like that if you feel there is any chance you need to escape the situation or protect yourself; it's purely the way our instincts are wired. But ugh anyway of course his first question is to ask her if she’s okay– he knows her, can see she’s struggling just from the look on her face, from the way her eyes are mostly fixed elsewhere rather than meeting his; and all he wants to do is try to ease that burden. I think that being in her space– what is so clearly a family home, but now completely devoid of that family– has really highlighted to him what helping him has cost her, what it could cost her if they don’t get this situation with Kamdar and the FBI resolved as soon as possible; he suddenly feels he’s done nothing but drag her into danger and pain and emotional turmoil, and you can hear in his voice that when he says “then you can get back to your family and forget about all this” he also means forget about me. And then when her response to that is to look him in the eye and tell him “We have to be done with this guy”, you can see how it affects him– there's something so soft and grateful in the way he looks at her ugh, knowing that even after everything she’s been through because of him, she still hasn’t abandoned him; that they’re still in this together. 

So I’ve decided that Agent Chan is one of my favorite side characters lol. She was there during the hotel raid in 1x10 as well, right? Though ugh her not-super-subtly pointing the mic and talking into her earpiece is making me stressed lol. As is the fact that Armony literally cannot control what Kamdar will say– god how terrifying to walk into that situation, knowing that they’re being listened to by the literal FBI, and knowing that Kamdar is exactly the kind of man who loves both the sound of his own voice and gloating over other people's misfortunes? Honestly it’d be a miracle if they managed to pull this off without him saying something that tipped off the FBI about their involvement with Maya’s death. (Also sidenote, but something I love about this show is that we repeatedly see cleaning ladies? Like I mean this one that’s just walked past Armony may turn out to be plot-relevant, but we also see them when they have no bearing on the plot at all– like at Cortes’ place, and in La Habana, etc. I like to think that the show is reminding us that these women are always there, and they are not invisible). Anyways I swear that Joseph has never checked either of them at the door like this before, but sure I’ll just roll with it haha.  And then oooooh damn who do we find in the office? Not Kamdar, but Nadia. I have questions about this, because firstly Arman said they’d ‘set up a meet with Kamdar’– so did they actually contact anyone to say they were coming? Or did they just rock up? Because if they’d contacted Joseph or whatever, then surely they should have known Kamdar was out of town. Unless Arman contacted Kamdar directly and the devious prick just thought it would be funny to have him be faced with Nadia instead when he got there? Which tbh would be consistent with his character, and would also answer my next question, which is when the hell Kamdar put Nadia in charge, considering that last night at the party she seemed very out of the loop. So ok headcanon time: Arman messaged Kamdar to make a time for the meet in the afternoon, and RK (I’m getting sick of typing Robert or Kamdar lol) decided to have a little fun, and immediately called Nadia and told her he wanted her to run things while he was away. It’s genius, really; he gets to score points with Nadia by showing her he trusts and values her, and he gets to set up Arman to most likely have another fight with Nadia while also not getting his cut for the deal. Win-win for RK lol.

Anyway I do like that Thony was the one to suggest aborting mission first; though lbr that was likely mostly because the whole point is to get RK, but at the same time I think she wants to leave Nadia out of things if she can. (another sidenote: I find it very satisfying that Garrett believes Thony and Arman had no idea about Nadia’s connection to RK lol– oh Garrett, you sure miss a lot, don’t you buddy). But ooooh then Nadia insists that she’s RK’s right hand, and so they can deal with her– and tbh I think that that pisses Thony off big time, because Nadia’s supposed to be Arman’s wife, and yet she chooses to ally herself with the man who is trying to destroy him?? I think that that is the moment when she decides that she can’t keep going out of her way to try to protect Nadia, especially since doing so potentially endangers herself, Arman, and her family. Both she and Nadia have chosen their sides, and so now it's just a matter of bahala na– whatever happens, happens. Of course Arman can’t see it like that, and simply has to protect Nadia; partly because she’s family, but also because he’s already betrayed her once by falling in love with Thony, and can’t face the idea of betraying her in this way too. And while Thony understands his need to protect her, I can see her being frustrated about it, especially given her temper– like is he really going to put protecting Nadia above potentially saving the rest of them??? 

Okay the fam all rocking up at JD’s and being welcomed so warmly is just so cute ugh. I just love them?? And then ugh J-Fi being all cute in the kitchen (while putting away the biggest slices of pizza the world has ever seen??) and Jazz watching them is just so funny– I know, girl, I ship it too. Although apparently JD’s gf is called Laura so maybe I should ship that instead, out of solidarity to a fellow bearer of the name lol. (Ngl, I would date this man in a heartbeat haha). But ugh this height difference kills me, and so does their comfort together ugh. He’s sweet and kind and he makes her laugh, and he loves her family like they’re his own (bc they are). So please pleaaaaase writers let them be together ughhhhh

Ooooh Garrett is Big Mad about Arman sabotaging the sting, and lbr Thony’s not delighted about it either. But ugh the way she looks at him every time he says ‘my wife’ and defends Nadia so vehemently? You can see how much it hurts her, each time a sharp reminder that he’s not hers–  she used to have better armour to protect her from that reality, but the more time she’s spent with him, the thinner it’s gotten, and now every reminder pierces straight through. And yet even despite that, she still comes up with a way to get RK without endangering Nadia– but she doesn’t do it for Nadia’s sake. She does it for him, and then when she realises that there’s no way to make the plan work without him taking back his place in Nadia’s life– and all that that entails– she does what she has to do and lets him go, even though it means breaking her own heart. (I’m fine, I’m not crying, shut up). But god this scene was so fucking LOUD with things unsaid; for example, when Arman says he can’t get the keycard bc of being kicked out, the natural response from an outsider, ie Garrett, would be ‘well just kiss and make up then??’ because of course the expectation is that as the dumped party, he would be wanting to fix things and get back together. And then there’s the way Thony suggests it– the “well maybe you should reconcile” where she almost manages to hide the unwillingness with which she says it (it’s the tone and the maybe that gets me, bc someone who was emotionally unaffected in this situation just wouldn’t sound like that). And then to immediately follow that suggestion– that very reasonable suggestion of a man making up with his wife after a big fight, aka something that most people would presume he wants and is already actively trying to do– with the statement “It’s the only way we can protect our families”?  Like honestly they’re both acting as if she’s sending him to the gallows rather than back to the life he was living literally less than a week ago, which is not at all a normal way to behave in this conversation– that is, unless you’re sacrificing the very thing you want most, and telling the man you love to go back to his wife even though it means the two of you can never be together. Because like I said in this ask, it would be a real dick move for Arman to go profess love and devotion to Nadia, and then drop her again the moment he got what he wanted from her– and so if he is going to go ahead with this reconciliation, he has to be all in; he has to commit to making his marriage work, because both he and Thony have too much honour to do otherwise. Which means that getting the keycard for Thony will basically be his parting gift to her, and they both know it; it’s in his quiet ‘alright’ and his grave expression, and it’s in the way she looks at him like the words I don’t want you to do this are screaming inside her head. Which, honestly, is a huge fucking deal in itself; even if she’s not admitting anything aloud, she’s still letting him see what she previously would have done her best to hide, and I can’t help but feel that that– the truth written all over her face, the silent admission that this was never just a one-sided thing– is her parting gift to him.

Meanwhile Garrett is just over here seeing all this intense eye contact and mutual angsting and is all like ‘Seriously guys? Right in front of my salad??” lolll. Like honestly, if he didn’t know they were in love with each other before, he sure as hell does now. Though unless he really is an absolutely terrible FBI agent, he’d no doubt have already had some fairly major suspicions based on… well, everything these two have done since they met lol. And I mean the way he looked right at Thony when Arman said Nadia had kicked him out of the house suggested he has a pretty clear idea of what’s up haha. But ugh okay headcanon time: Thony can’t face the idea of the long ride back home with her arms wrapped around Arman– possibly holding him for literally the last time– or the conversation that he might try to have when they get to the house (she’s holding things together right now, but there’s no knowing how long that will last, especially if she has to Talk about it), so she asks Garrett to give her a ride back, saying something about how they don’t have much time so Arman needs to go and start working on the keycard (read: on Nadia) right away. And Garrett looks between the two of them and then is all ‘right, sure, yeah’ and so she just turns and heads straight for the car, and Arman immediately takes a step as if to follow her and reach for her arm, but then he stops and clenches his jaw and turns back to the bike without a word, his movements jerky and rough as he shoves on the helmet and then roars out of there, leaving Garrett standing in a cloud of dust. And Garrett just sighs and shakes his head, then walks around to get into the car. Thony’s staring out the window and he can see the muscle working in her jaw, so he just starts the car without a word, and neither of them say a thing until they reach her house and she starts to get out. “Hey, Thony,” he says quietly, and when she half-glances in his direction, he adds, “I’m sorry.” Because even though he thinks she’s definitely better off being as far from Arman as possible, he knows a little about having a broken heart. She tells him that Kamdar needs to go down for everything he’s done to them, and Garrett promises her that he will. Then she nods and climbs from the car, and he watches as she disappears into the house alone. 

But ugh anyway. I appreciate the symbolism of Arman ringing the doorbell rather than letting himself into the house; it’s not his space anymore, and he doesn’t have a right to be in there without her permission. (And maybe he knows she’ll be more receptive to him if he’s seen as being especially respectful of her boundaries, who knows). Ngl the ‘what the fuck bro’ look she gives him when she sees him standing there is actually kinda funny though. But ok I really want to know how long has passed since they saw each other in the office– probably no more than a few hours, right? Bc I assume Garrett wanted to meet with Thony and Arman pretty much right away after the sting went bust, and I assume Arman went right to the house when he left the meet, so it can’t have been super long? Though tbh I would love if Arman didn’t go straight to the house, and (headcanon time lol) instead took a different road back to the city and ended up stopping by some ravine somewhere, tossing his helmet away from him with a roar of frustration before violently hurling rock after rock over the edge, until he finally slumps back onto the bike, both physically and emotionally exhausted. And then he still doesn’t go to Nadia, but instead rides straight to Thony’s place, sitting there behind the back fence for who knows how long before finally letting out a curse and taking off for ‘home’. But ugh anyway my point (before the headcanoning lol) was that I respect how quickly Nadia went from that sleek sparkly blue number in the office, to her (very cute) around-the-house wear lol. I guess she was upset by the altercation in the office and headed home soon after? Also I love that despite literally being on a mission to woo Nadia back, the first thing he does is order her to stay away from Robert. Like bro are you trying to suck at this? But then ugh when she tells him to leave her alone and go back to taking care of ‘Thony and her kid’– and I wonder if she wishes now that they’d had a child together, so he would have had more reason to stay, since it clearly seems that she alone isn’t enough? Loved that she repeated the ‘there is no us’ and says that he made his choice– but tbh, part of the whole problem is that he hasn’t made his choice? He’s been actively avoiding it this whole time, because while he knows he’s in love with Thony and wants to be with her and would do anything for her, he still loves Nadia as his family, and doesn’t want to just completely abandon her. Especially considering the fact that if she came over from Argentina with RK all those years ago, she likely has no family in Vegas; Thony at least has her little family unit around her, but Nadia has no-one but him. Well, him and RK– and as he says, she’s not safe with RK. Loved getting that bit of backstory that she’d left RK because of being afraid of him (honestly though I am SO curious how one gets away from a man like that and stays in the same city without him trying to drag her back in; unless getting married to a guy who had the protection of a major crime family had something to do with that….?).

Anyway I'm also loving that this scene is proving some of my theories right about Nadia thinking she can control Robert, and also wanting to be around him because he values her. And then she tells Arman to go, and he pauses, clearly trying to find the right thing to say, and settles on the truth, that he’s worried about her. But she’s not interested in hearing it, because she knows that that’s not the issue here. And ugh the shininess to her eyes as she asks him if he loves Thony just hurts me. I hate seeing the pain she’s experiencing because of the two of them and the connection they share– one that they ever intended on, but never stood a chance against, but still. It sucks. I love that even as he made himself lie and say no, it comes out as barely more than a whisper, rather than a firm denial; and then he can’t just leave it there, because on one hand, the lie feels too much of a betrayal of Thony, and on the other, he can see that Nadia doesn’t believe him anyway. But he can’t tell the truth either, because if he were to let that yes out there, she would never take him back; she has too much pride to knowingly be with someone who's in love with someone else. So he settles for the middle ground, because he knows that framing his feelings for Thony as unclear and uncertain and confusing is something Nadia could accept, especially when he says with all honesty that he loves her.  Because he does! She’s his family, has been practically the only family he’s had for years, and he wants them both to always be in each other’s lives. But he hasn’t been happy as her husband for quite some time, and Thony’s appearance in his life just made him able to understand why.

But anyway hooooo boy I do have to say that was some impressive kissing haha– ngl on my first watch I practically had to watch this scene through my fingers, but I’ve built up a bit of a tolerance now lol. And ok I don’t know how much of it was deliberate manipulation, but I did like the way he was very respectful with her, going slow and not pushing, letting her decide if she would let him kiss her or not. And damn when a man can kiss like that, who could blame her for letting him??? 

Gotta say I don’t think I have ever seen a show have scene transitions so goddamn rude as going from Arman seducing Nadia on a goddamn countertop, to Thony sitting motionless and alone in her dark and empty house for hours, to Thony’s entire family laughing and having fun together in the warm light of JD’s place without her???  Like jesus christ writers, why must you hurt me in this way????? (Though ngl the camping in the living room thing was fucking adorable). But ugh Thony calls Fi, reaching out to her family while sitting on Luca’s bed because it’s the closest she can get to being with him, and it’s also a reminder that she’s doing this for him, to keep him safe. And ugh the somberness in her voice is such a contrast to the loud and laughing voices of the family, and even though she tells Fi she made the right call (about sending her family away, about sending Arman away) it seems more like she’s trying to convince herself than Fi. And then she sees Luca, and it makes her really genuinely smile for a moment– and then all too soon he’s gone to play with his sibling-cousins and the call ends and she’s hit again with how completely alone she is. (Like literally when was the last time she spent an entire night alone?? Definitely not since Luca was born, and ughhh that knowledge hurts me).

And then the next thing we see is her curled up on top of Luca’s bed, looking so incredibly small, and tbh I think the writers were having a competition to see how many times they can make me almost cry over Thony in this ep because god dammit this hurts?? Having her so alone and terrified is just awful– and then when she’s startled awake by the sound of someone outside and runs to grab any weapon she can, knowing how little chance she has of protecting herself?? Fuck. She’s so caught up in the panic that even after she hears Arman’s voice, she forgets she’s holding the knife for a moment and has to put it down in the laundry, but then she doubts herself again– she’s been wanting to hear his voice, wanting for him to show up and stay with her like he’d said he would before everything went to hell– so she has to peek out through the blinds to be sure it really is him there. And then she lets him in, heart still racing but her terror replaced by relief– not only that there wasn’t some intruder breaking in to get her, but also that Arman was there, and she wasn’t alone. I really wish we knew what time it was during this scene– ie, like midnight vs just barely pre-dawn, because that would change her perspective of why he’s here. I’m going to assume it’s just late at night, and so she’s looking at him secretly hoping that he’s come to tell her that he failed with Nadia, that there would be no reconciliation and that they would find another way to get access to the office. And hoping that maybe then he would ask if it was still okay for him to stay, to watch over her so she wouldn’t be alone… but instead he says that he’s just stopping by, and then hands her the keycard– and she just stares at it for a second, because let’s be real, it’s like he just handed her a certificate that has ‘JUST RENEWED MY WEDDING VOWS! ALSO MOST DEFINITELY JUST CAME HERE FRESH FROM HAVING EXCELLENT SEX WITH MY SUPER HOT WIFE’ emblazoned across it in fucking giant neon print.  And god the way she takes in a breath and opens her mouth like she’s trying so hard to find something neutral to say– even something simple like ‘okay thanks, I’ll call Garrett’– but then she makes the mistake of looking up at him and the words just die in her throat because she can’t do it, she can’t pretend like this is fine, like it doesn’t hurt to have him standing right there in front of her but now even further out of her reach than he’s ever been. The fact she doesn’t hide that pain from him is huge– yet another wordless admission that she previously never would have allowed herself– and he sees it, and it hurts him too, knowing that he can’t fix it. He’d probably been lying there staring at the ceiling while Nadia slept, trying to figure out what the hell he was going to say to Thony, because how do you tell someone that you love them and wish you could be with them, while actively taking steps to be with someone else? No wonder she cuts him off– I don’t think she could have handled it if he’d tried to tell her what he felt for her right then. So she brushes it all aside with an “It’s fine”– even though they both know it is absolutely not fine, but he respects her decision anyway and doesn’t try to continue the conversation, knowing that he doesn't have a right to try to close the distance between them that he himself has just created.

Ngl when I watched the ep for the first time, I viewed both this moment and the ‘maybe you should reconcile’ scene as him thinking her response meant she didn’t feel the same way about him, and being all angsty like ‘how could she just send me back to Nadia like she doesn’t even care?? Waaaaahhh she doesn’t love me back’ lol, because the idea of him wallowing in completely oblivious misery while she was wallowing in fully-aware misery was pretty damn delicious haha, but then the moment I watched those scenes again I was like ah no he for sure knows exactly what this is doing to them both, and tbh that’s actually even more delicious lol. Because that means that mixed in with all the turmoil and angst and pain, there’s a glowing thread of ‘oh my god she loves me back’ (or at the very least, ‘omg she wants to be with me too’ in case he doesn’t dare hope that she’s like truly ~in love~ with him) but that in turn makes the turmoil worse because it shows exactly what he’s giving up. And I’m honestly so proud that she let him see the truth, let herself be vulnerable and open instead of hiding what she really feels away behind layers of hastily-rebuilt walls. Bc they’ve been doing this dance for so long already where they’ve been practically shouting their feelings for one another through their actions, even as they don’t dare to breathe a word of it aloud; but now they’ve finally at least acknowledged that they’re there, even if they haven’t put a name to them. Which would be really fucking amazing if it wasn’t happening in a situation where they both think that any chance of being together is now gone hahaha. But ugh anyway she manages to bring things back to business by mentioning Garrett (a sure way to kill any romantic moment lol) and then sighhhh she opens the door and shows him out, which is some more downright rude symbolism from the writers tbh. Also this reminds me, I answered an ask about this scene here, which also has my interpretation of his “I don’t know how much time I can buy you”. (Ngl I am immature so I giggle at the implication that he cannot satisfy a woman for very long lol, but also c’mon we already know that’s totally not the case for him haha). But tbh I do love that line, because while he’s mostly trying to protect her by encouraging her to get in and out of the office as quick as she can, there’s also a hint of a plea there; like he’s saying that this reconciliation is by no means guaranteed to last, and is begging her not to give up on the two of them just yet. Which makes her tiny nod mean even more; lbr, he’s going to be clinging to that faint spark of hope in the days ahead. But ugh the way she glances out at him through the blinds one last time while locking the door behind him, and then looks down at the keycard she’s still holding, her jaw clenching? She’d gotten what she needed, but the question is– was it worth it??

Okay seriously, seeing Nadia wake up looking so happy and satisfied really sucks haha. (I mean, this is a great sign for how much Thony is going to enjoy her future life with Arman lol, but damn I really did not need the reminder of all the sexing that occurred– so thanks for that writers, you absolute sadists lol). Seeing her react to the empty bed beside her was hard too, and then the way she smiles at him when he appears with coffees?? Like dammit he’s already broken her heart once and now it’s almost definitely guaranteed to happen again– and even worse this time, because I’m convinced she is going to find out that this make-up was a ruse to allow him to steal her keycard, probably when he inevitably confronts her about the marriage certificate and she realises that the only way he could have seen it is by accessing the office. Not only will the realisation that he used her like that– and even worse, used her in order to help Thony– absolutely shatter her heart, but it will be such a huge blow to her pride that I wouldn’t be surprised if she legit tried to murder him lol. And tbh I wouldn’t be able to say that it’s not warranted, because holy shit this really was a betrayal of epic proportions (no matter how good his intentions were or the fact that he was trying to protect her, it was still unforgivable), and like I said in one of those previous Asks, their relationship will never, ever, ever recover from it. Which tbh is why I couldn’t hate all the Arman/Nadia in this ep, because the way it happened (Arman fighting to get her back, not for her, but for Thony) was literally like watching the titanic get put on a collision course with the iceberg; there’s nothing but absolute catastrophe lying ahead. Plus that’s not even to mention the fact that he was able to convince Nadia to take him back so easily, which clearly shows that the only reason they hadn’t reconciled earlier was because he actually hadn’t even been trying at all. Regardless of what he’d been telling her, he didn’t actually want to get back together with Nadia– especially not when her leaving him had freed him from the obligation that had kept him bound, that had kept him apart from Thony– but it wasn’t until the moment that Thony asked him to reconcile with her that he'd realised it. And then it didn't matter, because like he said in 2x04, he always does whatever it takes to keep Thony safe– even breaking his own heart.

Phew honestly it’s a relief to have an FBI scene, bc this ep is just too goddamn heavy lol. I’m happy to see Agent Chan again, and I hope she was the one who actually messed with his car haha. And then ta-da, looks like the cleaning lady we saw earlier did turn out to be plot-relevant after all, as Thony has put on her trusty cleaning-lady-disguise and taken her place. But ugh I can’t help but think about the fact that she’s in here alone, literally risking her life to get them all free of RK, while Arman is busy canoodling in the comfort of his king size bed. Though lbr, I don’t think anyone hates that fact more than Arman– how awful it must feel, to be deliberately deceiving one woman you love in an incredibly hurtful way, all the while knowing that the woman you love even more deeply is in danger and yet you’re here betraying her (no one will ever convince me that he doesn’t feel like he’s cheating on Thony right now) instead of there protecting her. Aaaand oops I managed to make the FBI scene about Armony lol. Also I get what Russo means with her comment, but I still take offense at her calling Thony ‘your girl’ lol. She is only one man’s girl (and as the song goes, he needs her, lol) and that man sure as hell ain’t Garrett. But ugh of course RK has a fucking advent calendar instead of a safe; thank god Thony gets lucky and finds the ledger after only a few goes, rather than having to search the whole fucking thing lol. But the ledger is not the only thing that she finds– and whatever that piece of paper is, it’s clearly hugely important, because she risks going back to get a photo of it even though she can see Joseph already headed her way. But ugh I do appreciate that Garrett was ready to rush in and save her, but looks like he has learned his lesson about busting in after what happened with Cortes. But also omg the stress of Joseph walking right past her in the hall?? Good thing the old cleaning-lady-invisibility appears to still be effective. Though ngl I was imagining a scenario where he and the other cleaning lady are a ~thing, so when he sees her there he goes over to flirt a bit, and then he realises it’s Thony and they stare at each other like wtf lol. But of course that would not have gone well for the mission, so I guess I will just have to give up on my Joseph x Faceless Cleaning Lady ship dreams for now haha. 

So Thony’s sitting in the kitchen looking at the photos on her phone (or lbr, one in particular, aka the mystery paper) and there’s the knock at the door, and she freezes for a moment, waiting– and then as soon as she hears Garrett’s voice she goes to let him in. And tbh I wonder if her waiting to hear who was at the door wasn’t just about making sure it wasn’t a potential threat, but also maybe she was wondering if it was Arman again, and so she hesitates because she’s not sure she can face him right now? Especially because they’ve now achieved what needed to be achieved, so technically he could call off the reconciliation with Nadia (though as I’ve said before, they both know he actually can’t/won’t, not without it making him an utter bastard). But maybe I’m just making stuff up here lol. Anyway I find it kinda interesting how she and Garrett are a little matchy matchy in their blue tops, like she and Arman had matched in their black jackets. Maybe the costume department showing her connection to both of them? But again, probably just me making stuff up. And then lol of course he casually does the social faux pas of scrolling through someone’s photos without permission, and she gets the phone back real quick, clearly to stop him seeing the pic of the mystery paper. But okay so he tells her they can get RK on criminal profiteering, and I’m confused again about the way he’s changed his tune?? Earlier in the ep he was super against the profiteering charge and was determined for him to go down for murder. What changed?? Or is Garrett planning to use the information gained from the ledger to trap RK in some other way? I need answers lol. But ugh it genuinely sucks when he is all compassionate towards her now because it just makes her feel so much more guilty about Maya… which is why she tries to make it clear to him how grateful she is for everything he’s done for her and her family, and how he’s not to blame for what happened with Maya. I guess she’s hoping that he will remember this conversation after he finds out the truth about Maya, and will know that she did genuinely care for him and that she wasn’t just using him the whole time. (Sidenote, she thanks him for everything he did for her family ‘last night’ but it was actually the night before that. Keep up, writers! lol). Also I can’t remember what ep it’s from, but I swear Garrett has said ‘good work today’ to her before and I’ve decided it’s his little catchphrase lol

Ughghhhhhh have i mentioned lately how much I love the De La Rosa family?? The pureness of the sibling bond between all three kids, and the way that all of them (Fi included) are able to have fun and be silly together? Like ngl this video game scene was an incredibly accurate family depiction haha. Also I love the melodic little sound Fi makes as she walks into the room, like a happy little wordless greeting? God she’s so cute, I want to be besties with her lol. Anyway honestly being here on this little ‘holiday’ with JD has been good for all of them ugh. But oooh the conversation between Fi and JD about Thony is interesting– she tells him it’s unfair for him to say he doesn’t want Jazz anywhere near Thony until the FBI stuff is over, but honestly is it unfair? He’s her father and he doesn’t want her in danger, and I mean before now it wasn’t like there was a way to remove Jazz from that situation, but now he’s back and has a safe place for her to stay, and she’s far better off with him than at the home where Thony’s enemies could find her. And his point about Thony putting them all in danger is kinda fair too tbh. Of course I’m a Thony supporter all the way, though, so I want to say ‘It’s not her fault! She didn’t have a choice!’.... except that that’s not entirely true. With regard to season 1, it was; she was doing whatever she had to do to save Luca, and if that came with a small risk to the family as a whole, she had no option but to accept that and take steps to minimise it as best she could. But now– with all the stuff with Kamdar– it’s different, because it’s not Luca or the family that she’s trying to save, it’s Arman, and she did have a choice. Bc honestly, after 2x04 (when Mr Motel Mustache is dealt with), she could have basically walked away from it all– she didn’t need to continue getting meds with Arman and selling them to help his and Nadia’s debt. And when the fight in 2x05 happened and Arman said they were done, she could have decided that they really were over and that she needed to remove herself from his world, and from him, and he wouldn’t have tried to force her back in; even with RK telling him to get Thony to come clean the office, if she’d outright said no and told him she wanted nothing more to do with him, he would have called one of La Habana’s cleaners and then just gone and borne the consequences of RK’s displeasure himself. But the truth is she was never going to do that. She was never going to walk away from him, not when he needed her– even though she knew it meant putting herself directly in the sights of a man as dangerous as Robert, she did it anyway. But the real question is, if she’d known then everything that would happen as a result of helping Arman, would she still have made the same choice? (Honestly, my gut says yes).  And okay anyway I love that Fi defends her and says that Thony’s the only one who’s always been there for her, but I mean really? How? They’ve been living in separate countries for 15 years, and who knows if Thony has ever even been able to visit before– not to mention that in the past 5 years she’s been completely occupied with just keeping Luca alive and also not going bankrupt from Marco’s assholery. Like I appreciate Fi’s loyalty but I have some questions lol. But oooh yessss at JD’s insistence that they all stay with him until it is all over, I fully support this! Bc as much as Thony being all alone hurts my soul, I love the J-Fi and kids family dynamic– and I mean, Thony’s house being empty means that Arman can come over and that they can…. talk….. without being interrupted lol. Just saying, those two have some reconciling of their own to do  :P

Speaking of the reconciling, god the way Nadia looks like she’s walking on air as she heads into the club is absolutely killing me (though again, what an excellent sign for future-Thony’s happiness haha) bc ugh it’s not fair that the source of her happiness is built on a lie, and that the whole thing is going to come crashing down around her very soon and leave her even more brokenhearted than before– bc let’s be totally honest here, this reconciliation was doomed from the start; we can’t control who we love, and despite Arman’s best efforts and intentions, at this point it would be easier for him to stop breathing than it would for him to stop being in love with Thony. Plus like I said before, there’s no way the man is going to be able to just ignore the marriage certificate– the evidence that she’s been lying to him since they met, and also the thing that could potentially mean their own marriage is void– and so when he inevitably confronts her about it, she’s going to realise that he got into the office somehow, and put two and two together. And ugghhhh even despite my love of Armony, that moment is going to be so hard to watch, because while Nadia has her flaws, she doesn’t deserve this.  And ugh we see just a tiny glimpse of that hurt when she realises the keycard is gone and is faced with the horrible possibility that Arman took it– but of course Thony protected him and left it somewhere where it would be found quickly, but would also still be believable that Nadia would leave it. Which is just even further manipulation of Nadia and ugh it feels gross to watch (though at least we know that both Thony and Arman feel terrible about it, and are only doing it because they have no other choice).  But ugh anyway on a happier sidenote, it’s cute that Nadia waved to the bouncer on her way in; I bet she’s made friends with all of them and they think she’s the best, and I could totally see her with a whole little army of loyal bouncers lol. (So look out, Arman! haha)

Okay so I might be getting a little conspiracy-theorist here, but I’m going to say it anyway: what if Russo is dirty??? Like what if Russo actually was the mole, and has been indebted to RK this whole time??? I mean I know Garrett found the tracker in Maya’s things, and so he now believes that that’s how RK knew where to find her– but who brought him those things? Russo. Russo, who knows him very well, and so would have known that he would have taken absolutely every precaution to hide Maya, meaning that Maya’s abduction and murder would have had him convinced that there must be a mole in their department. And so she preempts that by planting the tracker in Maya’s things and letting him discover it himself, completely erasing his suspicions and leaving her in the clear. Which makes me also wonder if her big promotion is either a) because Kamdar pulled some strings for her to get her the job she wanted, or b) was her looking for reassignment so she can get away from RK without him threatening to expose her. And so what if the whole reason she is pushing for him to be brought down for profiteering rather than murder is because that’s run by a different department, and so RK won’t know that she was involved? Bc I can imagine that if her department tried to take him down, he’d be like ‘well you better make this go away or I’m telling everyone about our arrangement and taking you down with me’. And so while she can’t risk being the one to take him down, she desperately wants to be free of him, which is why she’s pushing for the profiteering angle. But anyway I know I may be way off base with all this, but idk this theory just has a grip on me now lol. Like I don’t think Russo is bad, I think RK just has her in a tough spot, like he has Arman and Thony and so many others. Plus, the way Russo says “Now you know you’re not to blame” after Garrett finds the tracker makes me believe that she didn’t just plant it to cover her own ass– she also did it so he would be able to forgive himself, because she genuinely does care about him and hates that he’s hurting. But ah well, I guess we’ll see in the coming eps whether I’m onto something here or not lol

Damn, the fact that Thony is waiting for Arman outside despite the lingering threat of RK sending someone to hurt her?? I guess she really doesn’t want him in her space rn / is really trying to keep her distance now that the situation between them has changed. (again, the fantastic post by @enigmaticfox really highlighted this).  But ugh I need to know what she said to him to get him to come over– like I assume she texted rather than calling (hearing his voice and knowing that Nadia was likely only in the next room would have just been too hard to bear), and she was probably careful with her words in the text because she knew that there was the possibility Nadia would see his phone. So did she use some kind of code or something, because a ‘we need to talk’ would definitely not go down well if Nadia were to see it lol. So maybe she made up something about there being an issue with the meds that they needed to sort out, knowing he would understand what she was trying to say– and then after sending it she immediately gets a text back saying ‘on my way’ like he’d been keeping his phone close and just waiting to hear from her. But ugh I feel for the position she’s in– caught between the need to protect her family, and the irresistible urge to protect Arman (even from himself). And even as she asks if he knew about the marriage, she already knows the answer; simply because if he’d known, he would have told her already. They don’t keep things from each other, not anymore, which is why she risked going back to the certificate to get a photo– she wanted to be able to show him the definitive proof, so he wouldn’t be forced to choose between her word and Nadia’s. (Sidenote: from the certificate itself, we can see that Nadia’s surname was De Leon, which is freakin badass; and also that she and Robert got married 8 years ago, which means the maximum amount of time that she and Arman have been together is probably about 7 years, but may well be less). But anyway ughhh the way Thony makes it clear to him that she genuinely wanted to help him protect Nadia, but that if the only way to take down RK is for Nadia to go down too, then she’s going to have to take it, because she has to put the safety of her family first. And then they just stare at each other, because they both know what this means; if he chooses to put his family (aka Nadia) first– and protect her even if doing so means RK walks free– then he and Thony will have no choice to be on opposing sides in this fight. 

And that’s the last place either of them wants to be. 

[joinourbookclub]

Little Red Writing Hoods Writing Challenge

Prompt: Write a about someone who is learning to recognize and take credit for their own achievements

Time: 30 minutes

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One month.

I guess you can consider the amount of time we have to plan less than a month. We only have our lunches and an hour after school, after all. But there are exactly thirty days until homecoming, which has to be perfect because it’s our senior year. We have no more chances after this.

I sit next to Sandra and Alyssa during our lunch meeting today. The student council room is really just our English teacher’s classroom, but we make it work. There are eleven other students here, all with the same goal, but varying ideas. We’ve been split into smaller groups to make things easier. I’m glad Sandra volunteered me and Alyssa for the decorations team. Catering and tickets seem much harder. 

I watch them as they scribble down ideas. They are masters at student council work, having done it for all three years before this one. This is my first year in the council. They convinced me by saying it was our last year in high school so I should do something exhilarating. This is exhilarating, knowing I’m impacting the rest of the school. I’m starting to get more comfortable too when I see their ideas: a red carpet to walk in on, black and red balloons on each table. I’m just itching to be a part of the planning.

“What about a photobooth with props?” I suggest.

“Hmm,” Sandra thinks as she tilts her chin. “I don’t think we have the budget for that.”

“Oh…” 

I don’t say anything for the rest of the meeting. I don’t think I’m meant for this, after all.

27 days.

We reconvene with the rest of the council after the weekend. I try to stay focused as Sandra lists off the ideas she and Alyssa came up with. Turns out I don’t have to try so hard. I snap to attention after I hear Sandra propose a photobooth. And what’s more? Everyone loves the idea. They all shout out different ways we can make it work with our budget. So why did Sandra shoot it down initially? I give her the benefit of the doubt, telling myself that she had time to think it through over the weekend. That must be it, but I just wish she would say that it was my idea. But maybe I’m just being selfish.

23 days.

Sandra, Alyssa, and I go shopping for photobooth props and we have no idea what we’re looking for. We’re in a party store and find the usual: hats, boas, and fake mustaches.

“We need something…more,” says Alyssa.

Sandra nods. “Exactly what I was just thinking.”

I walk through the ideas as they talk, investigating what else the store has. My eyes catch on LED strings. Something deep inside of me tells me that this is what we’ve been looking for. 

I bring the strings back to my friends and show them how we can loop them through the boas or around the brim of the hats for some glowing pictures. Sandra wastes no time plucking them from my fingers and taking them to check out. I try not to smile too hard. I did it. I had a great idea for the student council.

That is until Sandra tells the whole council the next day the story of how she found the LEDs and knew they were perfect. My heart squeezes in my chest and I can’t stay in this too small room anymore. I don’t go far. Just outside the door where I can breathe for a few minutes. Little do I know that Bailey, another student council member, follows me out. 

“Are you okay?” She asks.

I nod my head and say yes, but that doesn’t fool her.

“Then why are you out here?”

“I just…feel like I’m not helping you guys.”

I consider keeping it at that, but she sits down next to me and everything starts spilling out. I expect her to tell me that I’m being too sensitive, but instead she tells me to tell her some of my ideas. So I do. Together we make a plan to put them into motion.

[niamhalbarn]

Cheater || Eddie Munson

Eddie Munson x reader!Delilah

!!Warnings!!

Please do not carry on reading if you’re under the age of 18, as their are mentions of, drug usage, alcohol, violence, language, sex, and a lot of angst.

Delilah has not seen Eddie over spring break and she’s starting to think something is going on. There relationship had been going strong until Eddie starts seeing Chrissy for deals.

“Robin I don’t know where the fuck he is! I haven’t seen him all fucking week!” I shout to Robin, waving my hands around Family Tv, sorting out the tapes as I rage about Eddie.

“I bet he’s busy doing stuff,” Robin suggests, making me even more mad. “What’s more important than seeing your girlfriend of two fucking years!” I ask, turning to Steve and Robin with furrowed eyebrows and a perked lip.

“Maybe a family members died?” Steve questions, shrugging his shoulders. “We tell each other everything, it can’t be that.” I shoot his idea down, crossing my arms and feeling a pain of sadness rush through me.

“Delilah, you should talk to him. Maybe he’s at his trailer?” Robin says, climbing over the desk to get Steve’s car keys and chucking them at him.

“We aren’t looking for him.” I say, sticking my feet to the floor, shaking my head. “I thought you wanted to,” Steve says in confusion, looking at me like I had three heads.

“Yes we are Lila, now come on. This is exciting!” Robin says, grabbing my hand and pulling me out the shop, Steve quickly turn the sign to ‘Closed’.

“Won’t Keith kill us if he finds out we’re skipping work?” I ask, climbing into the backseat. “No, we’ve done it plenty of times,” Robin says, laughing at my innocence.

“Let’s go catch the ginger bread man then!” Steve says, twisting his keys, making the car rumble.

I spent the whole car ride, picking at the skin under and beside my nails, biting my lip enough to make it bleed and shaking my knee. My head was down and I didn’t say a word. What if he was cheating on me? What if he was planning to break up with me? I really didn’t want these thoughts to be true.

Steve parks his car around the corner of Eddies trailer, in hope that he doesn’t see us as we run to his trailer in need or answer.

I hesitantly climb up the steps of his trailer, my knees shaking and I bring my trembling hand up to the door, knocking twice.

“Hello Delilah! Nice to see you! Eddies in his room,” Wayne greets me, giving me a hug. It was a quick one as I run to Eddies bedroom, noticing the door was locked. He never locks his door. I put my ear to the door, to try and hear something, maybe blaring music, or his amp screeching as he strums the strings of his NJ Warlock.

As soon as my ear hits the door, I hear nothing, complete silence.

“Wayne! Do you have they key for Eddies door?” I shout to Wayne, in hopes he had it.

“Yeah! Is it locked? He never locks it?” He questions, furrowing his eyebrows. “I know, it’s not like him at all, thanks.” I say, taking the keys from his hand, and slamming Eddies door open.

I walked into his empty room, the familiar smell of cigarettes, alcohol and Eddies earthy scent hitting my nose. At first, I didn’t like the smell, but I had gotten used to it.

“Is he not in here?” Wayne asks, from the doorway. “No. I wonder where he is,” I say in confusion.

“Try find him, I’m off to the bar? Care to join?”

“No it’s alright, I’ll try look for him.” I shout to Wayne, and waving him a goodbye.

Damn. I wonder where he could be.

That is when the door slammed open, and Eddies footsteps could be heard shuffling around, with someone else’s I couldn’t quite recognise.

This made my body go in auto pilot as I shoot to his wardrobe, hiding myself in there. I probably shouldn’t be doing this.

“Ivey, would you just come on in here?” Eddie laughs. Who’s Ivey?

“I love your room, babe, very metal.” This Ivey girl giggles, sitting down on Eddies bed, resting her back against the headboard. This gave me a perfect view off her.

Black silky her covered her perfectly structured pierced face. She had huge tits, bigger than mine. And she was the spitting image of someone Eddies type.

“Do you know what else is metal?” Eddie asks, husk deep in his voice.

“Hmm I don’t know, you?” Ivey teases, squeezing her thighs together.

“You and me, doll face.” Fuck. That’s my nickname he gave me. He’s definitely fucking cheating.

Eddie slowly climbs in between Iveys legs, running his hands up and down her thighs as I sat in disbelief. I couldn’t bring myself to come out the wardrobe.

And that’s when it hit me. Eddie was kissing her. I starting silently sobbing, covering my hand with my mouth, my hands shaking as I do so.

“I love you Eddie. More than that Delilah girl does,” Ivey says in between moans. “I love you too, baby girl,” He coos, starting to take her Iron Maiden shirt off.

My voice broke and I let out a whimper. Loud enough for them to hear. They both stopped in their movements. Both looking to the wardrobe.

Eddie slowly walks to it, and slings the door open. “Delilah? What are you doing here?” Eddie asks, looking at me face, streaks of mascara rubbing down.

“I haven’t seen you all spring break, and Wayne, let me, uh in,” I just manage to get out.

“I’ve been busy, I told you.” He says, anger bubbling inside of him.

“With her! She doesn’t even fucking care about you Eddie! She’s fucking using you! And I can’t fucking believe you’re fucking cheating on me with a slut like her!” I shout, tears running down my face harder than before.

To be continued…

[lgcxminji]

MINJI was called to a meeting with her manager, PARK EUNSOOK.

while it was mentioned beforehand about what could be discussed to each of the members, there’s still a bit of uncertainty as to what EUNSOOK would say. “please sit down, MINJI.” EUNSOOK gave a sincere smile as she points towards the chair right across from her. the older woman turned her tablet towards MINJI as she shows some statistical data that would be hard for anyone to understand, but as EUNSOOK scrolls down on the document, the comments coming from the coaches are revealed. “many of our coaches have been analyzing the idols and their performances over the last few months, especially during the year end ceremonies. in addition to that, we have our marketing team checking to see how everyone is doing individually. as for you, we’re happy to say that you’ve received quite a number of compliments regarding your performances. they’ve noticed some improvement as a performer and are please to say that you’ve been doing a wonderful job as FABULA’s main dancer and lead vocalist.”

EUNSOOK then looked at MINJI as she began explaining some of the other comments she has seen as well. “some of the coaches encourage you to keep working on your ACTING, because we see so much potential in that and we believe that if those acting lessons paid off, you could be the main dancer that people should watch out for in legacy.” EUNSOOK smiled happily and proudly like an older sister. “they also suggested that it would be best for you to work a bit on your language skills as well, specifically with KOREAN and ENGLISH since we do have plans to promote FABULA overseas more. aside from that, keep up the good work. it makes me proud to have you be a part of FABULA.” she paused, thinking it was now MINJI’s time to express what she wanted to say. “now about you. when the time comes, what do you see yourself doing more of in the future? i know you’ve done an array of activities and gigs during your time as a trainee and even while being in FABULA, but we want to know — what do you enjoy doing aside from performing on stage?”

OOC NOTES:

the content of this submission is fully ic and doesn’t reflect our opinions ooc. the feedback is mostly based on the muse’s skill set and points. while you don’t HAVE to follow everything mentioned in the feedback, it’s highly recommended to do so for optimal results. once you have responded to this prompt, please tag this as lgc:perfreview and send the form below to the points blog before FEBRUARY 12, 2023 11:59PM EST so you can claim your points. as for the points, we’ve listed possible skills you can distribute the 10 points to. if you wish, you can distribute them across multiple skills instead of one (ex. +4 acting, +6 korean instead of +10 korean). your reply must have a minimum of 300 words (and this will count as post activity).

MUSE NAME ∙ PERFORMANCE REVIEW

- PR SUBMIT: +5 korean, +5 english [ LINK TO SUBMIT ]

-

minji sat still for a moment, just thinking. what did she want to do? who did she want to be? she didn’t have to think long, though. “this sounds silly, but aside from performing on stage, i love… performing on stage?” she giggled, letting her bubbly, youthful energy remain known to her manager despite the influx of new years resolutions she’s probably expected from the talkative girl. “don’t get me wrong, i have never ever second-guessed my desire to be an idol- to be a part of fabula,” she said, thinking back to the day she was revealed, about a whole year ago, to be a member of the group.

“i’ll be honest though, i did feel very jealous hearing about the newsies performance last fall. i knew why i couldn’t be a part of it, of course, and that was completely fine. my schedules with fabula will always come first. but i do miss being able to be a part of a stage production like that.” she had shared this feeling with her friends before, but never with her manager. it was quite nerve-racking, to say the least, but she knew what she wanted, and to get what she wanted, she had to make it clear that it was what she wanted.

“if you mean actually off stage, i am actually interested in acting in dramas and films as well,” she smiled. “that’s why i was so excited to be cast for the cameo on bullet inquiry; i thought it would be a great opportunity to try and see if i enjoy acting for the camera, or if i’d rather just focus on live performance, whether that be as an idol or in musicals.” she wanted to be clear that she had thought about this in advance. this wasn’t something she was saying for the sake of having something to say; this is truly what she wanted. finally, as a side note, she added: “i also really liked being in the cf for sola since that kind of goes hand-in-hand with acting!”

to close out the meeting, she decided to speak for her future not just as herself, but as a member of fabula. “i definitely agree with you on the skills i need to work on- i’m sure you could already tell based on what ‘extra’ coaching sessions i’ve been attending that acting was on my mind a lot lately. but, i’ll definitely work on my english and korean too,” the bilingual knew she was, somehow, rusty in both languages. a tune-up was definitely in order. she made sure to remember to add a few language sessions to her training schedule from then on. “thank you, eunsook-nim,” she smiled. and as she walked out the room, she punched the air; she’d forgotten to ask about the 'special someone’ at the bullet inquiry set.

[pastorsperspective]

Never Walk Alone

It’s that time again. Time to reflect on things we learned from Sunday’s sermon. Things we’ve hopefully thought about throughout the week, pondered, questioned… If you missed it, you can watch the service here: https://fb.watch/nTAAwqsWLy/ A special Thank You to Mrs. Laura Rothe for assembling and directing the bell choir, The Joyful Ringers!

The message this week focused on the importance of taking care of yourself. Having balance, health, wholeness, and holiness in our lives. Of all the things you mentioned and all the ways that you suggested we use to take care of our spirit, body, and mind; I noticed one common theme and was fully prepared to ask about it. Then a funny thing happened. Someone else submitted the same question and it made me laugh because we don't get a lot of question submissions for one, and two, it was exactly what I was going to ask. So, for myself and at least one other person out there: Of all the ways you suggested self-care, you mentioned taking a walk four times. Is there some biblical significance or special importance to taking a walk?

Great question! So, certainly there was a LOT of walking in Biblical times and even Jesus demonstrates taking a walk alone at times to pray and be with God. But this was mentioned more because taking a walk is such an easy and accessible act that hits on all of the areas of Good Medicine mentioned. When we take a walk, we are acting physically, the rhythmic pattern of steps can be a pattern for prayer and finding comfort in the constant and consistent stepping. Walking allows the mind time to process in an emotionally healthy way because the act does not require full attention. The mind can process and think through emotions. Walking and crying, yelling, etc… can be very therapeutic and allow emotional health to flourish while at the same time thinking about fond memories, lost loved ones, and appreciating present loved ones can be done also which can be very powerful! As a Native I often sing Native hymns and Christian hymns while I walk, which is therapeutic and healthy on many levels! Walking is just such a great first step to finding balance and holiness. 

I completely agree. This year has been a big one for me regarding self-care and walking has been at the core of it for mental, physical, and spiritual health. For all the reasons you stated. I can listen to music while doing it, be alone with my thoughts and prayers, cry, scream- if need be, or simply enjoy nature around me if I’m outdoors or the virtual sights I can see if I’m indoors. I have seen places virtually this year that I will probably never get to see in my lifetime, and have re-visited one that I have been to and it has been a wonderful adventure. If anyone is interested, I use an app called The Conqueror to take virtual hikes all over the world and have traversed 580 miles so far this year through Israel, Holland, New Zealand, Germany, Los Angeles; and am currently hiking my way through the Amazon Rainforest in Brazil via my living room treadmill. There’s a mental clarity that comes when you shut everything else out and just take a walk with yourself, with your thoughts, with God…

However you choose to take the best care of yourself in your quiet time, know that you are never alone. I know that on my walks, I am never walking alone. When you read, when you go for a drive to clear your head, when you sit by the water or just stare off into space. You are never alone. Just like the song says:

I have never walked alone I’ve never been abandoned You are my inheritance You are my strength and shield And I have confidence You go before me You’re my deliverer I know I never walk alone

So, whatever you do today, do it with the peace and confidence of someone who knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is walking right there beside you. If you enjoy contemporary worship music, please take a listen to this song from Hillsong Worship.

Never Walk Alone

[beautifulpersondestiny]

J-hope “Even just one, single love is beautiful, but we’re getting love from all over the world” BTS BE comeback interview 2020.11.24

On April 28, j-hope streamed a Log ( ON ) video of his dance warm-up on BTS’s YouTube channel, BANGTANTV. Over the course of an hour and four minutes, he stretches out his whole body, gradually advances from small motions up to big movements, and demonstrates more of his other techniques. And he didn’t leave out his cool down exercise, either. This has been j-hope’s life as a BTS member for the past seven years.

A whole lot happened this year.

j-hope: Like I said in another interview, it’s been a roller coaster of a year. It started out with our performance at the Grammy's, which was really, really, great, and then Map of the Soul: 7 came out, which was great, too, and then it plummeted. With COVID-19 happening, I did a lot of thinking, did some studying, then everyone met “Dynamite” and we had some great results. And the ride repeated. Roller coasters are scary, but you keep thinking about them even after you get off. That’s how I felt about this year: it was scary, but memorable.

One of those memorable things must be how “Dynamite” topped the Billboard Hot 100 but you never had a chance to actually go to the U.S.

j-hope: So when we got first place, we couldn’t even check the charts. We were asleep. We checked when we woke up, and there we were, at the top. But then we went straight to work. (laughs) We had to film something here in Korea. It was hard to enjoy ourselves, the whole situation being what it was, but it was all right because we could still enjoy it together.

You must have had a lot on your mind, making BE during this kind of year.

j-hope: I tend to think of BTS albums as being a reflection of the whole team, but this time I thought of it as putting in the stories I wanted to tell, making it my music and infusing myself into the new album while still being a BTS album. It turned out to be right at home with BTS’s color, and the whole team’s energy led to an even bigger synergy.

What made you think to go in that direction?

j-hope: We started this album off by getting together and asking what kind of story we wanted to tell. The end result of that conversation was, “Well, hey, we still have to live with this situation; we can’t give up.” And from there, “Life Goes On” was born, and then we got to work on the stories we each wanted to tell. I think it sounds more raw, since we tried to capture the emotions we felt living through the pandemic. 

I imagine you each had a lot of songs you wanted to include, and that your opinions were probably all a bit different. How did you compromise on the final product?

j-hope: None of us made any kind of plan. We’d listen to a track and someone would ask, “Hey, anybody wanna give this a try?” and someone else would say, “Me! I’ll do it.” We just did it that way. There were clashes, too. When each person starts to speak louder, it’s hard to find a common ground. But we’ve always been good at communicating with one another, and we know when to back down or be gracious, so everything went smoothly including planning for the unit songs.

How did each of you choose your songs? You put “Dis-ease” on the album.

j-hope: There’s one song where we were working in the studio and someone said, “That track wasn’t very good, was it? Jung Kook’s one before was better” and we’d switch on the spot. The song would be done recording and we talked to the label and ended up switching it out. We listened to it all together and said, “What about this?” And that’s how we decided. So then “Life Goes On” was done, and I wasn’t sure if “Dis-ease” would be on the album. We gave the seven songs from each member to Jimin, who was project manager, and he suggested we listen to them first and then get feedback from people inside the company. I think it was one of the stories each member could feel was his own.”

Where did you get the idea for the theme of “Dis-ease”?

j-hope: First, I wanted to get into the mindset that this song is a sickness. When I make a song, I work on the chorus first, and then move onto the first verse. When I had only finished the chorus the song felt upbeat, but I thought the overall theme shouldn’t be too playful. That wouldn’t reflect how I felt. But while the theme of “Dis-ease” itself isn’t very light, when it fuses with the beat, it feels as if the song is trying to get over itself and stay positive. So I threw some scratching into the chorus and put in some “bbyap bbyap bbayp” and then started to think, “Aha! I’d better call this song ‘Dis-ease.’ ”

I didn’t expect you to write a song portraying your love–hate relationship with your work as a disease. A lot of people would expect you to have a positive, hopeful attitude, given your name.

j-hope: I was too busy to ever give much thought about the work itself. But, as you know, that suddenly changed, and there was a lot we could no longer do. When I was working, I’d say, “Ugh, I need a break,” but then we took time off and the words, “Ugh, I want to work,” jumped out of my mouth! That’s what made me think more closely: “Why is this bothering me? I have a chance to rest—just take it. Why do I feel like I need to work under these circumstances? Is this an occupational disease?” I felt like this was a part of me that I could express at this point in time. 

This is the first time in your lyrics I’ve heard how hard you push yourself to be successful. It made me wonder about the burden you felt about work over the past seven years.

j-hope: Out of habit, I would say, “I’m okay; I have hope,” and keep working, but I think I was just avoiding my work-related problems rather than facing them head on. The nice thing about music is that I can say what’s on my mind, even feeling of sadness or depression, in beautiful ways.  I don’t usually express those feelings but this time I wanted to try.

It sounds like you have lots of different thoughts about work.

j-hope: With my work? Well, actually, I’m not sure. Work is kind of an ugly duckling. Work gives me good energy but there’s energy you get from resting. But someone like me feels alive when they’re working, so I need to keep moving and keep doing. I feel anxious when I stop and content when I go. Every once in a while I don’t want to work, but I can’t not work.

You’re saying you and work go well together?

j-hope: Exactly. It’s easier just to think simple. If you think too hard, that’s when things get difficult. Because I’m me, I can’t just keep it simple all the time, but I’m trying my hardest to do my best.

Thinking simple isn’t always so simple.

j-hope: Yeah. Maybe it’s because I don’t have many problems to deal with. I feel uncertainty because of that. Uncertain about how my identity will be affected if I do encounter some great hardship. 

BTS has faced a lot of hardship, though, right?

j-hope: That is also true. (laughs) But the team wouldn’t have kept going if it’d just been me cheering ourselves on. We’re possible because we all think the same way. I wonder if we would’ve been able to come this far if it was just me saying, “Let’s go, guys!” That’s why I’m even more thankful to the other members.

What do those emotional changes affect your music?

j-hope: I didn’t want to make an overly cheery song this time. I thought it would be best to do some softer songs about the way I was feeling this whole time, so I chose “Dis-ease” as well as “Fly to My Room.” The other members also thought, “Yeah, we’ve done a lot of bright songs, so it should be fine if we try it this way, too.” “Blue & Grey” is like that, too. I love that song.

You have a completely different voice when you rap on “Blue & Grey.” Did your rap style also change, along with your emotions?

j-hope: I wanted “Blue & Grey” to sound like I was talking, actually. The tone and feel of my voice changes a lot depending on how I vocalize my rap.  I noticed that a lot this time. Namjoon actually helped me a ton. His part was after mine, so I turned to him and said, “Maybe it would sound better if I did it like this,” and tried it out. Then I used his advice and found the right sound.

How does it feel moving away from your normal style?

j-hope: It’s really refreshing. I thought it wouldn’t work but I think it did after all. And I always thought this was a feel that I wanted to give it a try. For me, BE is sort of like the first step down an unfamiliar path, so there were parts that were challenging, and also parts that were a welcome change. 

I think your rap in “Dis-ease” demonstrates that change well. Instead of trying to keep time in the intro, your flow just follows the story.

j-hope: I made sure not to overthink anything this time. It ended up sounding natural because I just matched the rhythm of the words as they left my mouth. And it was refreshing because I haven’t done a long verse like in “Dis-ease” in forever. When we rap, there tend to be four or eight-is lines; I thought I’d try and pack in a verse with sixteen. It also helped because the lyrics came out before many of the other things for this song.

The music makes “Dis-ease” sound upbeat, but then there’s a surprising message: “To be honest, I have this problem.” It’s like you were holding yourself back from crossing a line.

j-hope: It was something like that. Shouldn't we stay on this line? Maybe that’s a disease too (laughs). I thought if j-hope leaned too much to one side people might think that’s strange, too. That’s why I tried to stick to my standards, but since I’m also human I also expressed emotions I couldn’t articulate into music.

You don’t want to try and cross that line?

j-hope: I’ve thought about it, obviously. I want to, but in my life itself and in my mind, I always think if there’s a line, it shouldn’t be crossed. But I’m becoming more generous to myself about crossing lines when it comes to music.

So you haven’t crossed yet, but right now you want to say, “I have something else,” and go further.

j-hope: Yes. This is maybe a time when I really need to. I’ve been lucky because I met great people, had success and reached where I am now. Now that I’m here, I always want to try new things myself and keep growing. That’s why I’m working hard and thinking about what kind of music I should make. 

There’s a part in “Fly to My Room” where you sing, “You can change the way you think.” It’s like you were explaining the past seven years of your life.

j-hope: It all depends on how you look at it. Say there’s some kind of food. You might feel lonely while eating it by yourself, but if you forget about your loneliness for a minute and think, “There is no difference in food I would be eating out (with other people) anyway,” then it’s just like eating out. So even though I was stuck feeling lonely at home, I started to think of it as another trip instead. I thought of my room as my world, and delivery food as a three-star hotel meal. As you can tell from the title, I worked on that song by thinking about the way I endured this year so far.

And why did you decide to “change the way you think?”

j-hope: Because I get a lot of love. Because I’m in this position and in this place, there’s things I have to deal with, and I should do things and think things I am able to bear. I thought about that a lot and accepted it. So I thought about what I could do during these hard times, and how I could help out my friends, my team. I think I’m still going through that process, too, so everything’s an “-ING”, because I might need to know what to do later about what I can do, even if I don’t quite know it yet.

What effect does being surrounded by so much love have on you?

j-hope: It’s amazing to be loved by even one person. Even just one, single love is beautiful, but we’re getting love from all over the world. And I know this isn’t something to take for granted. I’m so incredibly thankful that sometimes I feel overwhelmed just thinking, ‘Wow, how can I ever return this much love?’ I want to express that in any way possible, every moment I can, because I’m so honored to be so loved that I can’t begin to put it into words.

A little while ago, in an interview with Rolling Stone India, you said that, when you were young, you equated debuting with success. What does success mean to you now, now that you’ve had success after success?

j-hope: Success … It’s a simple idea, but it can weigh on you. In all aspects of life, I think success means being satisfied with what you’re able to do.When you lose faith in your work and it starts becoming a chore, that’s when it starts to get depressing.

There are inevitably times when you can’t enjoy it.

j-hope: It’s just, you know, it’s really simple. If you can’t do it now, you can always do it later. Do that, and you can put your mind at ease. And I think that’s the secret to living a long, happy life. Anything you can’t do in your 20s, you can just do in your 40s. Of course, there’s going to be stuff you should do now while you’re still (laughs) energetic. But if that’s the position you’re in right now, you just have to ride it out. Try again later if you can’t enjoy yourself now. You’ll probably feel different in the future anyway. Yeah, that was pretty much the key to my self-preservation. 

Where do you find the strength to hold on like that?

j-hope: From the group, it’s very clear what that is. It’s our fans. ARMY. We had to pull through, for the fans. At any time of any day, the fans come first. I keep thinking about how painful it would be for the fans if we just gloss over something or feel like giving up just because we’re having a hard time. I was 20 when we made our debut. I didn’t know much about having a social life, but the messages our fans sent were a big comfort and gave us hope. I learned a lot just by reading fan letters and understanding the kind of thoughts they had. Fans and artists really are one and the same.

That makes me think of a line from “Life Goes On”: “People say the world has changed but thankfully between you and me, nothing has changed.”

j-hope: Yes, right. I thought that line expressed the feeling really well as soon as I first heard it. Yoongi wrote that. He is really good. (laughs) I think that describes our relationship with our fans.

[rosesvioletshardy]

gullible from the start - t.j.

so this is for @sorryjustafangirl for the winter fic exchange that was held by @antoineroussel

i'm sorry this took so long to post, i tried to make sure that it would be something i'd receive and that it wasn't too terrible and what you had requested for

**sorry if there's any spelling mistakes, i've been sick and really congested the last couple of days while editing

masterlist

tyson jost masterlist

warnings: lying, angst, fluff (idk what else, if i miss something please tell me)

# of words: 4,597

August 2019

Tyson wanted to prove to his team and to everyone that he was able to get a date to Colorado's annual Mile High Dreams Gala and would stop bickering about being single all the time. Every year since he’s been on the team, he’s always taken one of his friends and if they were honest, they were somewhat sick of it already.

“Tyson, you’re one of my oldest friends and you’re like a brother to me. But for the love of god please take someone else because I can’t keep calling out work and using my vacation days for this.” Peter said as he sat across his friend

“Please? This is the last time I’ll ask you to do something for me.” Tyson begged with pleading eyes, showing that he was desperate and that he only had a few months to find someone

“No.” Peter told him as tyson slid down his seat and sighed before peter got an idea after looking at his desperate friend

“Alright listen. There’s this girl I like that I've been talking to and she told me that because she is back living with her parents, it means that she has to live under their rules.”

“What does this have to do with me?” tyson asked, already annoyed as he took a sip from his water

“It’s a whole 10 things situation. She’s not allowed to date unless her sister dates if they’re under their parent's roof. The problem is, her sister, Y/N, went through a bad breakup a few months ago and swore she wouldn’t date anyone ever again. This person did a real number on her, but with you…”

“You want me to date her so you can date her sister?” tyson suggested

“Please? I’ll even get you tickets to the next Drake concert, and I’ll get you those really nice golf clubs you’ve had your eye on for a while”

“You do realize I can get those on my own right?” Tyson asked him as Peter gave him a “I'm only doing this once and won’t give you another offer so just take it already”

“Fine.”

“Yes!” Peter celebrated as his friend across from him and shook his head laughing

Over the next week after arriving back in Denver from a game road trip, Peter had sent the details about you to Tyson. Your sister had gotten details about Tyson from Peter, and she thought he’d be amazing for you. She understood that you were still trying to recover from your last relationship and wanted to take your time before jumping into another one, but she felt that it was time. You on the other hand wanted to take time to focus on yourself. You were done moping about the breakup and now only wanted to focus on your education and your future. Claire figured out how she was going to introduce you to Tyson. She figured that since he enjoyed going to the restaurant you worked at that’s where the two of you could meet after your shift.

“Clarie! I’m headed off to work” you yelled as you found her in the kitchen

“Y/N! Before you go, remember how when mom and dad said that since you’ve moved back how I wasn’t allowed to date unless you were? Well, I’ve been talking to this guy I met since the trip I took to Vancouver back during spring break and we’ve been talking ever since.” she started

“Please get to the point” you told her looking at the time

“He has this friend that I think would be good for you and he’s not like the other guys you’ve gone out with”

“So, you want me to go out with him so you can go out with the Canadian boy?” you questioned

“Funny joke they’re actually both Canadian” Claire started

“But yes. Listen he’s a great guy and he’s funny too” she finished

“What are his details and everything about him and I'll think about it. Just run me the basics before i leave” you said looking at the time again

“Okay, so his job. He’s a professional athlete, the NHL specifically. He plays for the Colorado Avalanche-”

“So, he’s local?” you asked

“Sort of, only during the season but holidays and the summer sometimes he’s back in Canada. Anyways.” she stated before continuing

“Him and Peter played in juniors together, and he’s currently 23. I think that’s it” she finished

“Send me his socials and I’ll check him out on my break, but for now I need to leave”

-----

October 2019

It’s been nearly two months since Claire had told you about Tyson and neither you nor Tyson had seen each other. He hadn’t been to the restaurant in a while due to being busy with the season’s new schedule and training camp, but he wanted to meet you soon.

Tyson had wanted to meet you in person before messaging you but couldn’t find the courage or the time to do so. It wasn’t until he went out with the guys to celebrate the first win of the season that he decided to muster up the courage and go with it. Taking a deep breath and sigh, he pulled out his phone and went to your profile.

“Hey, it's Tyson. Of course, you know that my name is on here. I just wanted to say that Claire gave me your handle and I wanted to know the next time you’re free so we can possibly hang out?”

He stared at the message for a bit wondering if that’s really what he should say to a girl he wants to ask out with his thumb hovering over the send button before pressing it as he tried to delete the message and start over

“Fuck!” he yelled out, hoping no one heard him but luckily to his surprise the sent was changed to a seen as you began to type out your message giggling at the way he introduced himself before responding back

“Hi Tyson, don’t worry about that, it's okay. And I’m free Thursday to Saturday”

“That’s good. I wanted to invite you to the first game on Saturday and then maybe afterwards we can meet up to hang out / grab something to eat?” This made Tyson even more nervous of what your response would be and if you would want to do it.

“Yeah, I’d like that.

“That’s great!”

“I’ll leave some tickets in your name at the ticket booth and afterwards I'll meet up with you at the entrance for players. Just look for a guy named Terry where you enter and leave to go to your seat and he’ll take you, then we can go!” he messaged back, hoping he wasn’t too forward with himself or making himself look weird

“Yeah, that’s completely fine! I can’t wait to meet you!”

“Same here!” was the last thing he sent before telling you he the guys wanted to continue celebrating

A week had passed, and you were nervous about meeting Tyson. You heard great things about him and saw the way he was around his friends and family, but something just felt off about the situation, but you couldn’t put your finger on it. Ignoring it and taking one last look in the mirror and taking a deep breath, you knew that you couldn’t back out of the situation that was about to happen.

The drive to the arena was quiet except for the small giggles that would often come out of your mouth from the things you and Tyson were texting each other. Instead of continually messaging each other on instagram you’d decided just to trade numbers instead. After being dropped off and entering the Ball Arena, you decided to just wait in your seat until the game started. You didn’t want to go down to the glass where warmups were since you wanted the meeting to be a surprise, but something did catch your eye: the way Tyson was interacting with all the kids. At one point he decided to play rock, paper, scissors with a boy no older than nine and you could tell that he was trying to lose purposely so the kid could be happy where he later tossed them one of the pucks and smiled before skating away off the ice after it was over.

As you watched on, you thought to yourself “this is really it. I’m about to meet the person i’ve been talking to for a week in person now” before your mind felt like it was about to explode

“Okay, just take deep breaths. He’s just a normal person and you seem fond of him” you whispered to yourself the teams made their way onto the ice as their names were being called

----

After those 65 minutes and the shootout was over as Tyson got the winning goal, you knew that he wouldn’t be out right away and decided to wait for a bit before going to where Terry was. Throughout the game, your eyes were only paying attention to Tyson and the way he was playing and how he skated from one end of the ice to the other end. As he was giving his interview after being named the first star of the night, you admired the way he was thanking the fans and the way he talked about the team and how they played the game.

As he went back, you felt that it was time to get up and leave. You saw a man who was thanking everyone for coming to the game and as you noticed his name tag.

“Excuse me? Are you Terry? I was told by Tyson that you’d be taking me to meet him. My name is Y/N L/N, and I was told he would talk to you?” you asked him

“Yes of course! Follow me!” he told you, giving you a big smile.

The way to where the locker rooms were didn’t take as long due him being an employee and knowing all the entrances and exits. Fans were everywhere as you walked back as they all left with smiles on their faces before Terry opened the door for you.

“This is where I leave you. The team should be done within the next 5 maybe 10 minutes. But other than that, I hope you enjoyed the game and have a good night.” he said before he left

“You too!” you had said as the doors opened and the players started to walk out. It was a moment before Tyson walked out and noticed you immediately. Walking over, a smile on both of your faces he dropped his stuff to talk to you

“Wow. It's um, really nice to meet you. Peter and Claire have told me a lot about you and I’m just glad we’re finally meeting” he said smiling

“Me too. And yeah, Claire has told me a lot about you too!” you said the two of you began walking towards his car

---

Tyson was different from the people you’ve gone out with. He listened to you talk as the two of you went to a nearby diner to eat. He told you about his family and some memories that he made with them over the summer before returning back to Colorado. You loved the way he talked about his family and how much he owed it to his mom for supporting him and getting him to where he was now, and you’ve never seen someone talk about their family like that before. He felt like he could be different from the others, but you didn’t want to fall for him too quickly.

“Listen Tyson, you’re a great guy. You’re funny, you’re cute, you’re an amazing athlete-” you started before Tyson cut you off

“But you’re scared to get into another relationship this quickly?” he finished as you nodded

“It’s okay. We can take as much time as you need, if that’s what you want” he said as you nodded

“I did have great time with you i’m not going to lie.” he added as you took a sip of your drink

“Thanks. I had a great time with you. Do you want to hang out another time? It’s fine if you don’t.” you asked him as you felt your cheeks heat up

“Ye-yeah. I do” he stuttered through and then smiled making you smile

The night then continued on as you and Tyson continued to exchange stories and make each other laugh until you two were the last one in the restaurant before he dropped you off at your parents' house.

As you got ready for bed, your phone went off signaling that you’ve gotten a text.

“I had a really fun night, and I'm not just talking about the game :) sleep well tonight and see you next week” you read aloud making you smile thinking that being with him wouldn’t be bad

---

April 2020

Months have passed and Tyson was the best he could be. He was always a gentleman and never let you pay no matter how many times you’ve tried, and he always makes sures that you’re comfortable with everything surrounding you. Whenever he had a plan for a night out, he would ask you beforehand if it was something you felt comfortable with and would change it quickly if you weren’t. He would always facetime you whenever the two of you got the chance whenever he was on a roadie. At one moment he decided it was time to introduce you to the team and they all welcomed you with open arms. There were a few comments that were made from Gabe and EJ about how he finally was able to get someone to go out with and you couldn’t help but smile about his relationship with his team. They all loved you from the start and they didn’t know anything about the bet that he had made with Peter and Claire didn’t know about it either. She thought it was just an innocent relationship of setting two people up.

Tyson has already met your family and charmed their way of welcoming him into the family. You met his family when they came to Denver during the holidays, and you were more nervous of meeting them than Tyson was of meeting your family.

---

It was November 2019 when Tyson had asked you to be his girlfriend and you still remember what you were doing. The two of you have just come back from an ice skating date seeing that the weather was nice enough for one. You had mentioned before that you haven’t gone before, and he decided to take you to the rink where the Avs were hosting an open skate with family and friends.

“C’mon it would be great” he said trying to get you up and onto the ice

“I’m going to fall on my face!” you tried to argue back

“You’re not going to fall! I’m going to hold your hands the entire time” he argued back, taking your hands

“Tyson please we all know that you’re going to let go” you argued back as he put his head down and laughed

Everyone on the team and their significant others who were there were all smiling and laughing at the two of you because of how you were fighting like an old married couple. They watched as Tyson skated backwards holding your hands smiling before you slipped and he caught you in his arms and made him fall as well making the two of you laugh.

“I told you I was going to fall and now look at us!” you laughed out

“Little kids are already doing laps around us” you finished as you stared each other in the eyes

“I really want to kiss you but we’re in front of a lot of people” he whispered as his eyes flickered down to your lips and yours to his

“Then do it” you whispered back before the two of you leaned in and kissed

It felt like it was only the two of you on the ice before pulling away and hearing a lot of hollering and stick taps and hitting on the boards from the team causing both Tyson and your cheeks to heat up and you putting your head in his chest as he laughed and threw his head back

“Okay we really should get up.” you told him moving away as Tyson got up and pulled you up

The two of you continued skating and as you skated past the guys, they let out a few occasional chirps for the two of you.

“Wait a minute, there’s something I wanted to ask you” he mentioned as you turned back to him

“What is it?”

“Will you be my girlfriend?” he nervously asked as you could hear his voice shake a bit

“Yeah. yes” you smiled as you nodded and then hugged him

---

That was old news. You haven't spoken to Tyson at all since the night of the gala. The two of you had lasted a year before you found out the truth. The night where you found out everything. He’s tried to get through to you through different types of social media but all you did was block him and move on. You kept in touch with Mel and a few of the other wags but you made them promise to not tell Tyson about you still being in contact. Your parents had loved Tyson from you introducing them and let Claire and Peter date because of you but they ended up letting the rule go seeing as the two of you were both adults and it would seem silly to live with a rule they set when the two of you were young.

Everyday your parents and Claire checked you, and every day it was the same. You had gotten a new job away from the restaurant you worked out seeing that Tyson would always visit you on your lunch break whenever he didn’t have practice or a game. As much as it hurt you, you had to do it.

“Hey, I know you don’t want to hear from me, but I think we need to go out. Get you out of here and get some fresh air” Claire whispered as she rubbed your back knowing that you hadn’t left your room other than for the bathroom and food and water

“Okay if you don’t want to leave, then do you want to talk about it? I know you haven’t spoken a word about what happened and bottling it up isn’t good” she asked you, hoping to get an answer out of you

You thought about it for a bit and decided to turn around and looked at her sister before sitting up and decided to tell her what happened

“He lied. He lied about everything and dated as a dare for golf clubs and tickets he could’ve gotten himself. He made a deal with Peter because he wanted to go out with you but couldn’t because of mom and dad’s rule.” you sobbed out

“I left for a moment to go to the bathroom with Maddie and when I came back I heard him talking on the phone” you breathed out as you tried to calm down

“His exact words were “this was the easiest dare I have ever had to do and she was gullible from the start” and he turned around and saw me and in that moment, and he tried to explain himself”

----

November 2020, Mile High Dreams Gala

“Okay dude listen. After tonight I’m just going to wait a couple of days and then I’ll just dump her. This was the easiest dare I ever had to do and she was gullible from the start.” Tyson spoke into his phone and looking around to make sure you weren’t in sight

“Really? It only took a year, but thanks for doing this. Claire and I are doing amazing together and I’ve never felt more in love.” Peter told him

“Okay but just know that the bet is now over pretty much and when I get back next month for the holidays, I better see the clubs under my mom’s tree” Tyson said before you cut him off and causing him to turn around and see you

“Oh shit”

“So, the thoughts that were running through my head since we first went out were true I guess.” you whispered as he stared at you

“Listen-”

“No! This entire year I thought I had found someone who was amazing and treated me the way I thought I deserved to be treated, but I guess not. I guess you’re all the same but this time for the price of golf clubs and being lied to for an entire year because people were tired of you coming to this event with them for you because you couldn’t find someone. Now I know why.” you shouted in frustration as everyone began to look at the two of you. You didn’t even care if they were staring, the only thing you cared about was leaving. Tyson tried to explain himself but he knew he couldn’t put the words together as you waited for him to explain before letting out a scoff and leaving.

Leaving as fast as you could, Tyson followed you out and called out your name before you stopped him

“TYSON! Just stop! I’m done with all of this. I hope you have a nice time playing golf with your new set and I hope that whatever girl you decide to go after next knows how much pain you will cause them.” you laughed out as tears escaped your eyes more. At this point Mel had decided it would be best to take you back to your place.

----

Present

“You need to get up and go out. Why don’t we have some lunch? We could go to your favorite place.” Claire asked, hoping that you would get up. You knew in your best heart she was trying to be a nice sister and forget about what happened

“Fine.” you responded as you gave a small smile and left the room so you can change and wait downstairs

----

“See, isn't this nice? You’re eating a meal and not stuck in your room and crying about some guy-” Claire started

“I did love him. Like I didn’t say it just yet because I was scared that something would happen that happened with Alex, but Tyson was just different.”

“What do you mean?” Claire asked as she saw Tyson walk into the restaurant and sat up straight

“What I mean is, he just treated me differently. Like I was the only person in the room every time we were together and that it was the only two of us. And that night, I-I just” you began as you felt the tears in your eyes

“You don’t have to finish if you want.” Claire started before continuing

“Why don’t you go clean up and I’ll order for the two of us” she finished knowing that you’d run into Tyson

Getting up and grabbing your things, you headed to the bathroom before accidentally walking into someone

“Sorry” you mumbled before you recognized the cologne and looking up and seeing Tyson making you walk even faster

“Y/N wait!” he called out

“Please leave me alone”

“Tyson stop it”

“Let me explain” he spoke as the two of you had now drawn every set of eyes in the restaurant on you. You couldn’t help but let him as you gave into his pleading eyes

“You get five minutes and I’m timing it” you stated setting a time as tyson nodded

“Listen. I regret the way that night went. I regret even making that bet in the first place. If I had known I was going to meet you I wouldn’t have done it. At first, when we first met, I thought to myself “wow she is amazing and funny” and later when we had dinner until the diner closed, I was already head over heels” he started off

“Later on, the team started hustling me every time they saw that you and I were either facetiming or texting. That time, when we first kissed and we got chirped, that was when I fell in love. It didn’t matter how early it was, I knew that I had feelings for you that I probably have never really felt for anyone else. That night at Ball arena when I was talking to Peter, I don’t know why I said what I said and why I said it, let alone thought about it.” he continued as you mentioned he had 2 minutes and 30 seconds left

“Two and a half minutes”

“All I have to say is, I regret everything. Not everything but everything that happened that night. I was stupid and dumb enough to lose such an amazing person that my best friends girlfriends' sister. She had come out of bad relationship and I was stupid enough to hurt her even more.”

You stood there in silence as he poured his heart out and you couldn’t help but still be in love with him. No other person has treated you the way he treated you before that night. When he introduced you to his family, you knew it was serious seeing how much his grandfather loved you and you knew that it meant a lot for him that he loved you. Every single of his friends and family made you feel at home and whenever you were with him, you just felt safe.

“Tyson I-” you managed to get out before clearing your throat and continuing

“There are a lot of thoughts that are going through my mind right now and how I am feeling. A part of me wants you to just leave and never talk to me ever again” you said as he let his head down

“But the other part of me is still in love with the guy who slid into my dms and told me his name when it was already there in the first place. The guy who ended up tripping on his own feet when he was trying to teach his little cousin how to skate for the first time and wanted to impress me. The guy who sent me flowers every day when he was gone for a week and found out I had a few shitty days” you choked out as Tyson began to tear up by looking at your state and realizing how bad he had hurt you. You took a quick pause and a sigh before you spoke up again

“I’m going to give you one more chance. I don’t think I ever want to experience something like again and the fact that I’m saying this means you should know how badly you fucked up” you let out as he smile

“I really am sorry. You had every right not to give me a chance and you decided to.”

“Tyson stop talking before I change my mind” you tell him

“I’m sorry. I’m Tyson” he said holding out his hand, knowing what he was doing as you smiled

“I’m Y/N” you told him, taking his hand as the two of you laughed

“Would you by any chance want to go out? I know a great place we could go to. Actually, we’re here right now.”

“Yeah, that’d be nice. I’d love to”

[twodimecastle]

fifty bucks & six months.

spencer reid x gender neutral reader new relationship, secret keeping nonsense, 4.5k words, ao3 a/n; turns out i love writing texting fic but tumblr destroys the formatting rip

zero months.

You smile conspiratorially, extending a pinkie towards Spencer and he gives you a skeptical look.

“You know the odds of being found out immediately are-” he starts, but you cut him off.

“Astronomical, I know. I know. But don’t you think it’ll be fun to see how long we can push it?” you wheedle, not caring that your voice sounds more like begging than is strictly dignified because seeing the way Spencer’s nose crinkles in amusement at your heavy handed persuasion is too adorable to pass up. You scoot closer on the couch, tapping the end of his nose with your pinkie finger, letting him catch your hand between his as you continue “I think we’ve got a good shot at hiding it for a little while. It would be like a game.”

Spencer draws your captive hand to his lips, brushing them across your knuckles and watching fondly as you forge ahead in your campaign to persuade him, enjoying the show and the attention too much to tell you he’s already on board. Your eyes are shining with the prospect of the caper, and you’ve made no move to take your hand back from him, and Spencer’s pretty sure he’d be more than happy to sit with you in this moment forever. “I mean-” you go on, gesturing animatedly with your free hand, “you’re like-a really good liar when you want to be. And everyone else always forgets how good you are at it.”

He snorts at that and the sound makes you light up, eyes tracking the arch of his brows, the warmth in his soft brown eyes, memorising the way he looks like this; utterly unbothered, completely at ease. It might be your favourite version of him, but that race has always been a tight one with no clear winner in sight. You have lots of favourite versions of Spencer. Twisting your hand in his, you tangle your fingers together, savouring the way you feel his thumb glide delicately along your skin and the unhidden joy in his face at the simple show of affection.

Time to play your trump card.

“$50 says we can hide it from the whole group for at least six months. If everyone figures it out before then, you win. But if not everyone has worked it out by then, I win.”

The mischievous shine in your eyes is irresistible, and Spencer smiles, disentangling one of his hands from yours to extend his own pinky finger.

“You’re on.”

The words barely make it out of his mouth before you’re colliding with him, pressing your lips to his.

two months.

“So, how long has this whole thing been going on?” Derek’s question catches Spencer off guard, and, based on the way he can see you freeze in his peripheral vision, takes you by surprise as well. Sliding into the driver's seat of the SUV, Derek continues “I hope you didn’t think you were gonna be able to keep me in the dark for long, pretty boy. You should know better than that.”

Following mechanically after him, Spencer takes the passenger seat, trying to frame his next statement as carefully as possible as he hears your door close and the car start. “We were-going to tell you guys-” he begins uncomfortably, glancing back to you for support, but you look just as on edge as he feels. “We were just gonna-keep it to ourselves for a while-before telling Hotch and everything-” he tries again, the mounting tension levering his shoulders higher and higher with every passing moment, but then Derek just laughs, shaking his head.

“Hey, I’m happy for you, kid. For both of you.” He spares a look at you in the back seat through the rear view mirror, and you can feel the tension in your jaw relax, the furrows in your brow straightening out at the note of approval in Derek’s voice. “I’m glad you two finally figured it out,” he says, fondly, and you laugh.

“I bet Spence we could keep it from you guys at least six months,” you explain, reaching forwards through the centre console to link your pinky with Spencer’s, and the touch of your hand releases the last of the tension he had been harbouring as he covers your hand with the other one of his own. He knows Derek clocks the motion, filing it away in his mind somewhere, but he doesn’t care about the scrutiny so much right now. Not when your hand is so warm and comfortable in his.

Derek reaches for the dial on the radio and flicks through the channel, thinking about something, and as you watch, a slow mischievous smirk spreads across his face a moment later before he glances first at Spencer and then at you.

“I’ll tell you what,” he says to you, and Spencer can feel a familiar grin tugging at his own lips as he watches a plan take shape in his friend’s eyes. “I’m happy to sit on this information for a while for a cut of the winnings from whichever one of you comes out on top.” He snorts good naturedly as he continues “I have my own bet to win with Prentiss, so if you two help me win that one, I’ll cut you in too.”

“A quid pro quo of sorts,” Spencer says slowly, and he feels your fingers tighten around his, as you snort softly, and he knows instinctually you’re grinning the same way you always do when you’re winning a game. “I think we can do that.”

Derek grins, turning the music up as he nods, eyes on the road. “Then you two love birds have got yourselves a deal.”

two months and two weeks.

PG: youre not as slick as you think you are ;)

YN: ???

PG: ;))))))))) you should invest in some concealer for your work bag sweetness or tell the good doctor to pay more attention to whats visible in your work clothes

YN: oh my fucking god wait how do you even know thats how that happened

PG: im all knowing and all seeing im like the omnipotent goddess of the fbi

YN: derek blabbed

PG: he sang like a canary but also im an omnipotent goddess im also totally clued in on the whole bet situation with em so for the low low price of every single juicy detail about how this adorableness went down you can buy my silence :)

YN: im getting derek decaf coffee on all coffee runs from now on >:( traitors dont get caffeine

PG: darling sweet angel i need deets all of them like immediately

YN: >:( fine ok so. after that case down in georgia a few months ago? the weird one? with the creepy mother son thing?

PG: omg yuck pls dont remind me im here for the CUTENESS not the MURDER

YN: sorryyyyyyy anyway so spence was like being super weird about it all on the plane and whatever but he was doing that super annoying thing where he ignores it and says hes fine so everyone leaves him alone

PG: YEAH why does everyone here do that ALL THE TIME its SO annoyingggg

YN: ikr its insufferable and like super not subtle ANYWAY. spence was being weird and whatever and i just. refused to let him sulk on his own or whatever like i could tell there was something bothering him and so after work i insisted that we were gonna get like shitty diner food or whatever and watch a movie and he knows better than to say no to me

PG: smart boy

YN: so we got fries and milkshakes and then went back to his place to watch a movie and he was still like weird and silent and like brooding yknow? but whatever just figured hed talk about it when he was ready so i put on a movie and offered to make popcorn and then he was just staring at me and he looked so SAD and TIRED and i thought id done something wrong like the poor guy looked like he was gonna cry and i was panicking over fucking popcorn and then he says ‘why are you always so nice to me?’

PG: oh my god hes like if a sad victorian orphan was actually a triplicate phd holder

YN: i was SO thrown off i was like spencer. spencer were best friends. ive been forcing you to hang out with me for years now why do you THINK im being nice to you its bc i care about you asshole and then. like after another million years after letting me sweat it out over whether hes about to cry for like fucking years the asshole grabs my hand and says. i shit you not. ‘you know im in love with you, right?’ !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PG: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

YN: anyway hes my boyfriend now :’) dont tell anyone tho gotta win the bet

four months.

Lingering by the elevator, you glance around at the uncharacteristically silent office building, waiting for Spencer to leave the bullpen. The sound of his footfalls drawing nearer makes you smile and you mentally applaud yourself for suggesting the two of you remained behind after disembarking from the plane, taking advantage of the manufactured privacy to take the same car home, back to his apartment.

When he sees you waiting for him, he can’t help the soft fond smile that tugs at his face, as he reaches for your hand, sliding his fingers into yours with a gentle squeeze, the quiet of the building allowing him to indulge in the show of affection. You return the squeeze, leaning your head on his shoulder with a yawn and as he presses a fond kiss to your temple he’s rewarded by a sleepy hum of approval from you that sends a rush of quiet joy shooting through him.

“At least we won’t be sleeping in hotel beds again tonight,” you say, voice weary, and Spencer nods as he shuffles you into the elevator. The doors slide shut and the elevator starts to move and in the moment of absolute privacy, you steal a kiss, tilting your chin up to catch his lips with yours, revelling in the soft huff of surprise he lets out, even as he smiles against your mouth. Even after months, the simple act of kissing Spencer still feels new and thrilling somehow, like you can’t quite believe it’s something you’re allowed to do.

His nose brushes yours and he breathes “unless something big comes up, we get a sleep in tomorrow too,” and the way you beam at him sends his heart racing in his chest, unable to look away from the fondness shining in your eyes.

As the two of you exit the elevator and make your way through the Bureau car park, you tuck yourself against his side, wedging yourself under his arm with a happy sigh, eager to get yourself horizontal and asleep as fast as possible. Spencer brushes his lips against your temple again as the two of you close in on his car, almost free and clear of the office when a voice behind the two of you brings you up short.

“Reid?”

Spencer is reacting before his mind catches up, turning on his heel towards the sound of Hotch’s voice echoing through the parking lot, conscious of the incriminating way you’re still tucked against his side, even as his brain is rifling frantically through any possible excuses for the current circumstances.

“Hotch-” you step away from Spencer, cheeks flaming, not wanting to chance a look at him. “I-we-thought everyone else had gone home,” you trail off lamely, trying your hardest not to balk under Hotch’s ominously impassive scrutiny. A second passes, then another, and the short silence feels like months, or years even as the three of you stand locked in a stalemate.

“I take it the two of you would prefer to keep this under wraps?” He asks, finally, and it registers with Spencer, somewhat belatedly, that Hotch’s tone isn’t admonishing. It isn’t enough to dissipate the tension coiling in Spencer’s muscles just yet, but he spares a glance at you as he nods, and a moment later, Hotch gives the two of you a curt nod of his own. “I’ll tell you what,” he says, a shade of irony colouring his voice. “If you two fill out the paperwork for in-team relationships for me, I’ll keep it to myself. I understand privacy is hard to come by in our office.”

The words take a while to fully sink in, and you’re conscious that you’re standing there blinking and gaping at your boss like a bemused fish for a good few seconds before you’ve composed yourself enough to say “absolutely, sir. Of course. Thank you.”

Hotch nods again, heading towards his own car, and as he passes the two of you, a brief smile flashes across his face.

“Congratulations, you two. Get some sleep.”

four months and three weeks.

Spencer isn’t sure how late it is, but he knows you’re not asleep yet, the faint glow of your phone screen casting faint distorted shadows across his room as your free hand rests lightly on his chest. In the dark blue twilight of his room, the space feels undefined and dream like somehow, the line between his mind and his surroundings blurry or indistinct somehow, and as you huff out a near silent laugh at something on the screen in your hand, a thought rises to the surface of his thoughts like flotsam on an unwanted tide.

The more clinical part of his mind notes the autonomic response in his body, the way his heart lurches unpleasantly in his chest, heart rate rising with an influx of cortisol through his nervous system, automatically rifling through ways to control the anxiety response. Age old instinct surges forwards, starting to push his spiralling anxiety down out of sight so as not to bother you with it, but then your hand shifts infinitesimally on his chest, fingers curling in the soft fabric of his pyjama shirt, and for once his body is miles ahead of his brilliant mind, your name is leaving his lips before he’s really aware of it happening.

Your gaze flashes up from your phone at the sound of his voice, soft and hesitant, and you let the screen go dark as you set it down. You can feel Spencer’s heart hammering against his ribs under your palm, and your brows knit together in concern as you shift closer to his side, tracing gentle circles over his shirt with your fingertips, the repetitive motion intended to soothe, though you’re not sure if it’s for his benefit or yours.

“Yeah, baby?” You ask softly, working hard to keep the rising worry from your voice. After three years of friendship and almost six months of dating, you know him well enough to sense when his propensity for overthinking and catastrophizing is slipping out of his control. You can feel his chest rise as he inhales sharply, whatever he’s about to say cut off by second guessing, doing nothing to pacify your concern. “Spence? Is everything okay?” You ask again.

“This-bet-hiding our relationship-it’s-” he trails off, throat tight as he rolls onto his side, facing away from you, and smushing his face into the pillow, already wishing he hadn’t said anything. You’re the kindest person he’s ever met, but offering up this kind of raw insecurity feels like pulling teeth. Even if it’s you. Especially if it’s you. He doesn’t know if he’s ready to find out if you care about him enough to stay when his racing mind gets the better of him. The pillow muffles his voice as he says “never mind.”

You feel your own heart rate tic up in response to that, matching the wild beat of Spencer’s that you could feel under your palm only a second ago. “Baby, talk to me. What’s on your mind?”

He shakes his head, face still hidden in the pillow. “It’s stupid.”

He can feel the rush of your breath on his back as you sigh, and your voice is almost achingly patient as you say softly “it’s not stupid if it matters to you.” There’s a long pause, and you press yourself against his back, settling close and letting your hand slide over his side to rest on his chest, the heat of his skin sinking into yours even through his thin shirt. In spite of his height, he feels so small as you wrap yourself around him, drawing closer, trying to reassure him without yet knowing what he needs to be reassured of. “Spence?”

“Are you ashamed of-being with me? Is that why you want to hide it?” The words are almost whispered, the sound almost lost against his pillow and your heart sinks, plummeting faster and further than if you’d dropped it off the side of a skyscraper. You should’ve known he might worry about that, should have realised it might have felt that way. Remorse rises hot and bitter in your throat and you swallow it down, trying to steady your voice.

“Spencer. Sweetheart. No. Never. I could never be ashamed. I love you. I’m so sorry.” Your arms wrap more tightly around him and you bury your face against the crook of his neck, the tension you can feel in every inch of his body making you feel more cruel and short-sighted than you already do. “I’m sorry I didn’t realise it might feel like that. I could never be ashamed of being with you, Spence. You’re my favourite person.” He takes the kind of shaky, shallow breath that comes with trying not to cry and your heart breaks a little more as one of his hands slowly moves to cover yours where it rests against his chest, just over his heart.

As his hand rests over yours, his thumb strokes lightly along your knuckles, and he knows you know him well enough to notice the way his hand trembles, just a little, because then your hand is shifting against his, turning to clumsily tangle your fingers with his, holding tighter to him as he tries to collect himself, drawing in a deep, shuddering breath as his eyes squeeze shut. He can hear the contrition in your voice as you say softly “I’ve never really liked having people know everything about what’s going on in my life. And I love our friends but-something like this, that’s so-special? So new? I wanted to be able to keep it to just us for a while.”

“I’m sorry.” His voice comes out a little shaky, scarcely more than a whisper, and it’s more than you can take as you pull back and gently force him to roll over to face you. He’s not crying, but his eyes are glassy and you recognise the fight to keep the tears unshed in the tight set of his jaw and the hard line of his lips. Leaning on your elbow, you lift your free hand to gently smooth out the furrows of his brow, letting your fingers linger along the planes of his face.

“Why are you sorry,” you ask gently. “You don’t need to be sorry, baby. Not for talking to me about things that bother you. We can tell everyone else tomorrow, if you want? We can call off the bet. Derek will live. If he’s got a problem with it I’ll turn all his shirts into crop tops.”

He can tell the joke is a last bid attempt to make him smile, to ease his fear, and it works. In spite of the anxious weight in his chest that feels like it’s pressing him into the mattress, Spencer laughs weakly, meeting your eyes, and he watches as a relieved smile breaks across your face, releasing your lower lip from where you’d trapped it worriedly between your teeth. The unmitigated affection that floods into your eyes renders him momentarily breathless as he takes in the moment. You’re still here, still trying to take care of him. Just as kind and steadfast as ever.

“No,” he says eventually, wrapping his arms around you, pulling you down on top of him like a living weighted blanket, letting your warmth chase the bulk of the tension from his body and luxuriating in the way you curl into him, one hand sliding into his hair. “We shouldn’t call off the bet. We still have to take Emily’s money, remember?”

Your sleepy laugh is the last thing he hears before his eyes close and the feel of your body wound around his lulls him to sleep.

five months.

SR: Can I talk to you about something?

DM: you dying or something? that’s a really fuckin ominous text to recieve out of the blue

SR: I’m not dying, why would that be what you assumed? I just have a question.

DM: just a figure of speech but what’s up?

SR: It’s about your bet with Emily. What’re the terms for it?

DM: wym?

SR: What exactly did you two make the bet about? What needs to happen in order for you to win the bet?

DM: does this count as collusion?

SR: Technically yes, but calling it collusion implies a certain degree of illegality.

DM: whatever anyway the terms i made with em were that you’d make some kind of move before your birthday but she reckoned you were gonna need some kind of near death experience to do anything about your crush why?

SR: I’m just making sure I have all the information.

DM: what’s going on pretty boy? you planning something?

SR: Maybe.

DM: not a helpful answer reid is everything good?

SR: Everything’s fine. We’re just figuring some stuff out. Nothing to worry about.

DM: is there something you’re not telling me?

SR: Don’t worry about it.

five months, three weeks and six days.

In the chaos that was the scramble from the briefing room to the jet, you haven’t yet had the chance to speak to Spencer about the outcome of his most recent thesis defence panel. By the time you’ve got a moment to breathe, the jet is underway, coasting across the country towards Montana, the whole team settled in for the six hour flight. You corner him in the tiny kitchen area of the jet as he’s making a mug of mediocre coffee, fingers tapping out an absent minded rhythm on the countertop as the coffee machine whirs, clearly not paying attention to anything outside of his head.

“Hey, boy genius.” He jumps, whirling around, eyes wide with surprise, and you smile fondly. “So?” You demand, and Spencer raises an eyebrow in confusion. You snort, rolling your eyes as you elaborate. “Your defence panel. Did it go okay?”

You’re shifting your weight and fidgeting restlessly with the belt loops on your pants and as he studies you for a moment, it occurs to Spencer that you’re nervous for him over this outcome. The thought brings an almost giddy smile to his face.

“You know this isn’t my first thesis defence panel, right?” He says mildly, deliberately burying the lede, enjoying the way you scowl in irritation too much to answer your question right away, too enamoured with this display of concern on his behalf.

“Don’t be difficult, Doctor Reid. It’s still a big deal.” He just shrugs noncommittally, and you huff, swatting his arm lightly. “So did it go well?” You ask again, eyes narrowing as you try to dissect his microexpressions, trying to discern the answer he seems determined to keep from you for yourself. A few seconds later, he relents.

“I can now add degree number six to my wall.” He confirms. Getting degrees doesn’t hold the same rush of pride for him now, the accomplishment feeling somewhat less exceptional as he acquires more of them, but the way your face lights up with pride for him reminds him how special the things he’s capable of can be. You’ve always made him feel like more than the sum of his parts somehow, like something infinitely more precious than he always assumed he is.

“I fucking knew it. That’s amazing, Spence,” you say, chest warm and full with pride and love, and his almost shy smile in return is enough to make a decision for you in a split second. Your hand dips into your back pocket, drawing something out, and you carefully hide it from view in your palm as Spencer tracks the motion curiously with his eyes.

Your eyes are shining with affection and something that looks like mischief and the way you’re smiling at him is more than enough to divert his attention as you step closer, just barely noticing as you slip something into his hand. You’re dangerously, distractingly close now, and he’s conscious, if somewhat distantly, that neither of you is concealed from the rest of the team, scant meters away in the seating area of the jet. But you’re smiling and close enough for him to feel your breath on his face and suddenly your lips are on his, and even after nearly seven months of being able to touch you like this, it’s enough to make him forget everything else as he melts into the contact, savouring the warmth of your skin and the faint smell of your shampoo.

You pull back a second later, the kiss over almost as soon as it started, but it’s enough to attract attention, and you can hear a belated ‘oh SHIT’ from Emily in the main cabin of the jet. In your peripheral vision, you can see money changing hands, your friends scrambling to react, but you don’t look at them, choosing to enjoy the bemused, affectionate look on Spencer’s face as his brain catches up to the events unfolding around the two of you.

“I was tired of keeping it a secret,” you say fondly, loud enough only for him to hear. “You win.”

Blinking in confusion, he finally tears his gaze away from yours, fingers uncurling to reveal the fifty dollar bill you had pressed into his palm right before you kissed him. The penny drops and he snorts with laughter, shaking his head in half hearted indignation as his other arm loops around you, pulling you in, letting you rest your head on his shoulder, hiding your face from the rest of the team as he kisses your temple, revelling in the way you wind yourself around him in response.

“I was gonna do this in like two days. I wanted you to win,” he murmurs against your hairline, and he can feel your faint laughter.

“Too bad, baby. I’m used to getting my way,” you say, pulling back to steal another quick kiss before peeling yourself out of his arms with a wink, turning to face the onslaught of ‘care to fucking explain that’ and ‘I fucking told you so’ from the rest of your friends, tugging him with you by your joined hands.

[legless-fish-on-rollerskates]

All the morons trying to claim that Dean wasn't saying anything to Cas because he was holding back slurs or something equally ridiculous... what show have you been watching? Surely not Supernatural. Like, yeah, Dean had some internalized shit for a while (mostly cause of how he was raised, let's be real), but this isn't season fucking one. Dean's in his goddamn forties now guys.

But you still think Dean Winchester is homophobic? Let's examine the evidence then, shall we?

1. Aaron Bass: Dean was flustered because he's not used to being hit on by dudes, but he was completely respectful. And he was alone, too. It wasn't like he was trying to "hide his homophobia" from Sam. He could've said whatever he wanted in that moment without anyone ever knowing, and he chose to awkwardly walk backward and wish Aaron a nice day. Then later, when they're working with him, Dean says nothing about it (other than a quick "he was my gay thing" to Sam), doesn't make it weird, and talks to him exactly the same way he would talk to anyone else.

2. Jesse and Ceasar: Dean's surprised when he realizes that they're married, again because he's not really used to it and so he made the wrong assumptions (which I will point out is really really normal, it happens all the time even between queer people, because heteronormativity is very much a thing in real life). But what does he do when he finds out? He asks them about their marriage - with genuine curiosity. What's it like to be in a relationship with a hunter, is it hard, all that jazz. Never asks about the fact that they're both men, none of those gross "so who's the woman" questions, literally just. Talking to two married hunters. That's it. Then later, when they're working, he never once questions their capability as hunters or suggests that they're weak in any way. There's no "you're less 'manly' because you're gay" mindset at all. And at the end of the episode he's genuinely happy for them, two hunters who managed to get out of the life and retire together.

There's lots of other examples (several male cops have been obviously into him over the years, his reaction to Jody talking about Claire and Kaia, all the subtext surrounding Lee, etc.) but for my last one for now, let's not forget...

3. Charlie fucking Bradbury: Arguably Dean's best friend besides Cas (no I haven't forgotten about Benny, I love Benny, but he was part of a very specific chapter of Dean's life and that chapter is done). We've known she was a lesbian from the get-go, and Dean takes it in stride when he finds out, immediately improvising to coach her through some painfully awkward flirting so she can get into the office ("you've just come home, and Scarlett Johansson is waiting for you"). And yes, there's the whole "I feel dirty" "yeah so do I" bit there, but that's clearly established as a joke, plus the guy was gross - as someone who is attracted to both women and men, I would feel dirty after flirting with him too.

The next few times we see Charlie, she and Dean are geeks and dweebs together, Dean is having more fun than we've seen in years, and we see him be a really good friend - in some ways, a better friend than he is to Cas. Charlie talks to him a little bit about girls, they LARP, they go shopping together, Dean comforts her when she has to let go of her mom. When she's killed, he gets so upset he goes on a murderous rampage (maybe not the most healthy way to deal with greif, but nonetheless showing how much she mattered to him). When he sees an alternate version of her in trouble he's immediately ready to risk his own life to help her even though she doesn't know him. He loved her like a sister, and he never once expressed any issues with her sexuality.

So let's go back to Cas. Cas is in love with Dean. Not much of a surprise there, he's said it before. But this is the first time Dean understands that that's what he's saying. It makes sense that he's a little stunned, especially considering that Cas is also saying that he's about to die. I mean, if your best friend of twelve years told you one day that they've been in love with you all along, that just knowing you has irrevocably changed them for the better, and that also by the way telling you this means they're going to die, mightn't you be rendered a tad speechless?

Dean does not hate Cas for this. Not at all. Because whether or not Dean is bi, whether or not he reciprocates, Cas is still his best friend. We've seen how hard Dean grieves every time Cas dies. We know how much Cas matters to him. Of all the shit they've put each other through, there's absolutely no logical reason for this to be the thing that damages their friendship beyond repair. Not after everything. No fucking way.

Dean says nothing because he doesn't know what to say, because he's still processing Cas's confession but also already grieving and blaming himself for Cas's death. The way he breaks down at the very end of the episode? That's not a man who's disgusted. That's a man who's shattered.

How dare you try to simplify this incredibly complex and emotional moment into Dean being a dick. How dare you. It's positively insulting. The entire point of Cas's speech was that Dean is so much more than that. If you can't see that, than I'm sorry, but you're missing the whole message of the show.

Supernatural is about family and sacrifice. It's about free will, making your own choices. And it's about being more than just who you're supposed to be, going beyond what other people want or assume. All the depth beneath the surface. That's the show. That's why we're still watching after all this time. Because it means something important. Something relevant. Something real.

Don't you fucking discredit that.

(thank you for coming to my TED talk)