#by ‘beyond the internet’ i don’t mean just irl i mean i’ve known them long enough to have built a rapport with them

[pinkfey]

i’m trying to look into the reasons behind why it’s so difficult for me to block people i know beyond the internet which sucks because all i get are quora questions like “is it okay for me to block someone for harassing me 🥺” or alternatively “blocking people on social media is cowardly” neither of which have much to do w the question i’m asking 😭

[artinvain]

hii! i was wondering what you believe being a lesbian means? i’ve heard a lot of people say women loving women, afab loving afab, nonmen loving nonmen, etc. i only realized that i was a lesbian recently and im trying to understand more about the community beyond typical femme and masc standards.

congratulations on your beautiful realisation. coming out as a lesbian saved my life!! I hope you’re doing fab💖

whew this is a rough one just because there’s so much to be said. I know I don’t speak for the entirety of the lesbian community but from what I’ve seen irl, in my university studies and on the internet this is what I personally believe. and I think this may help as I this is how I went on my journey and have seen this for many other lesbians :)) 🥰🥰

so I’ve always known I was a lesbian. from like 5-10 when we first interact with romantic interests (I know it started young for me - long story), I was wanted to be around girls, hold them, touch them, when I saw women on tv I wanted to kiss them - be the guy they kissed (this is all known retrospectively).

when my mom started to ask me about who I would marry one day (of course she inserted a man bc I grew up in a religious house hold), I told her I wanted a man who was as handsome as an actor, as rich as bill gates (I had no concept of money ok) and spent time travelling (so we wouldn’t have to be together).

when she asked me if I wouldn’t be lonely I told her “of course not” because I would be with my best friends (all women) 24/7.

I then went on to push this narrative, told boys I couldn’t date them because I was Sabin myself for jesus and my unattainable husband. I touched my best friends “too much”, I knew I wanted to kiss them but kept praying the feeling would go away.

when I got to university I moved in with my older gay sibling (thank god) who has many queer friends, pan women, trans men, bi men! they were all soft and gentle and welcoming. I realised there was nothing scary or unholy about such a loving community.

so when the romantic feelings for women started to seep though again. I didn’t stop it. and then it was overwhelming and I realised I never wanted to be around or with men anyway, I had always been hiding this love inside me.

so I started getting into queer basics by dating and what I learnt in my gender studies courses.

for me lesbians understand me inherently without having to say a word (black lesbians specifically) but this goes for general sapphics as well (sometimes).

Because lesbians are socialised as women and or black and poc people, we don’t have to rediscover the systematic dynamics of oppression and patriarchy in our relationship because we both have grappled with that and it’s so easy to speak about and we understand that those ideas don’t pertain to us. we share the same special love for each other, something deeper than what can be explained with words.

“I know you,” is how it feels. the energy, time and love to learn and keep learning about your partner. growing in the same parallel lanes. I know her body, the lesbian body because it is also mine in a way.

so yeah as you can tell I love a good les4les and I looove a good deeply sapphic woman!!!

Lesbians have carved out our own slice of identity by creating a culture and partaking in a gender and sexuality that has been made outside of the patriarchy and the male gaze.

I do know a lot of trans masculine people identify with the lesbian community because some of these lesbians who are more butch and masc leaning sometimes decide to take t, have top surgery for example.

I know a lot of the transmasc people in my life who used to be lesbian are in a transitional space out of the community and into one that better suits them and where they are understood by other queer transmen. but they’ll never completely have no connection to the lesbian community, because that’s where they were socialised for most of their lives, it’s the community they’ll helped build. So they’ll always be a loving ally. A part of the family.

however many lesbians do not like to be with people who identify as men especially if they socially transition because it can cause a shift in dynamics, when one partner is now benefitting from the patriarchy on the basis of passing for example. Others believe it is disrespectful to date transmen and call themselves lesbians because for them lesbian is a specifically feminine aligned word and that feels invalidating to the trans man’s identity (and many trans men feel the same).

So yeah — there are too many nuances to count. But if you want to make it easy for yourself!? Think about what you want, what you are attracted to and what you like. really hone in on that and be comfortable with yourself in your lesbian identity, read some books on it, hell read some lesbian smut to get comfortable in the pleasure that is lesbianism. It’s about what you like and go about it kindly xx (and be smart and safe please)

Also often people will say that trans women can’t be lesbians but if you know that gender expression and sexuality are different things then you know that isn’t true :))

Ummm yeah that’s what I think at least 👁️👄👁️

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #389

“i’m well aware i’m a danger to myself  /  are you aware i’m a danger to others?”

How much do you weigh? Yeah, we're starting off on a bad foot. If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? Putting Roman's used litter in the trash. Do you think you can love someone without trusting them? Hm... I guess you could love them, but it'd be a complicated situation. What’s your opinion on people who go hunting for sport? If it's purely for sport, from the very bottom of my heart, fuck you. Do you have a fairly fast or slow internet connection? I'd say it's decently fast. Have you ever been someplace tropical? Yeah, Florida. My grandma lived there. Are you sensitive to caffeine? No. It does like... nothing to me. How do you usually get around? My mom's car. Have you ever been accused of being too clingy? No actually, but I know I kinda am. What do you think about Kim Kardashian? I don't have an opinion of her. Can you speak any French? No. Favorite yogurt flavor? The only yogurt I've been liking lately is cookies and cream to add a different texture, because otherwise, I don't like its natural texture very much??? Idk man, my taste buds are wild. How much money do you have in your wallet right now? Just like $5. What bottled water brand do you like? Essentia. Your favorite way to eat chocolate? As chocolate bars, probably. How often do you listen to country music? Like, never. Linkin Park or Avenged Sevenfold? Linkin Park. Last surgery you had? Pilonidal cyst removal. Have you ever played guitar? I briefly took classes for it in high school, yes. Best I got to was playing some of the intro to "Crazy Train." I enjoyed it, but not enough to be consistent and really learn. Is there someone in your life whose career/life choices you find immoral/unethical? Have you ever told that person your views? Do you find it difficult to support them (emotionally or otherwise) because of their choices? I don't think so? What trait do you feel you lack that you wish you possessed? Independence and confidence would be nice... Have you ever considered writing your memoirs? No. Do you find it difficult to stay invested in online relationships? God no. I love my online friends. Half of 'em more than "irl" ones. Are you the type of person who pays close attention to the release dates of movies, music, etc., and will, for example, go see a movie or buy an album on the date it is released? If so, when is the last time you did so? I have to be VERY invested in it to care THAT much. It happened most recently when Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty premiered. Do you have any stickers on your laptop? No. Would you rather have a job for which you had to go in early in the morning or one you had to stay late into the evening at? Early in the morning. I'm in a better mood in the morning. Do you use any apps to track your health or medications? I have a calorie-counting app, as well as one to track my period. Whose opinions/recommendations do you value most? My mom's, best friend's, and psychiatrist's. If you could’ve been at any historical event, which would you have liked to witness firsthand? I don't really know. Maybe the very first Pride event? Is there something that you really want to do but are afraid of doing? If so, why are you afraid of doing it? Ride a rollercoaster, for one. I know I never will, though. I'm too afraid of throwing up, but even more realistically, I fear passing out before of the twisting and turning and just standing up makes me very dizzy. My blood pressure is STUPID low. What is something society “expects” you to do that you don’t want to do and/or don’t plan on doing? Have kids. That's a big 'ole fat no from me. Have Jehovah's Witnesses ever come to your door? Twice at least. Are you well-known by people in your area? No. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, thank Christ. It sounds terrifying. What's your favourite type of bird? Barn owls. Melanistic ones, to be exact. Stunning. What tv show(s) have you been watching currently? I'm only keeping up with Meerkat Manor: Rise of the Dynasty. Have you ever dated a smoker? For less than a day. Do you share a middle name with any of your siblings? Yes. Have you ever been a member in a band? No. Besides the school band. Can you cry on command? If so, have you ever used it to your advantage? No. Do you have separate emails for personal and business? No. Have you ever missed a flight? Yes. Have you ever seen a lunar eclipse? Multiple times. Have you ever taken a ride in a convertible? I think once with my brother. Why did you last need to use a band-aid? I'unno. What fruit do you eat most often? Apples. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? My ma. Has someone ever tried to start an argument with you over Facebook? What happened? A few times. I don't feel like thinking over this. Have you ever had an unusual type of milk (eg. oat, rice, almond)? I've tried almond milk, and I hated it. If you could experience life as a Disney princess for a week, which princess would you pick and why? uhhhhhh idk When you’re at home, do you spend most of your time in your room? I'm essentially always in my room. If you like to sleep in late, have your parents ever told you off for doing so? No. Do you find piercings attractive? Yep. Do you like potato chips? Loooove 'em. What’s the most stalker-like/creepy thing you’ve ever done? If you don’t think you’ve done anything like that, what’s the most stalker-like thing someone’s done to you? Nothing beyond checking Jason's Facebook sometimes after the breakup, I think. Even that though I wouldn't recommend doing. You're just going to get yourself hurt. Stay away from exes' profiles. Do you think it’s a double standard that a woman can hit a man and expect to get away with it, but if a man hits a woman it’s assault? Yep. I don't give a fuck what's in your pants, you don't hit anybody unless you're fighting to defend yourself. What’s your favorite old Disney movie and favorite new Disney movie? I mean... define "old." I'll go with The Lion King for old, and for new, uh... Finding Dory, probs. Name something “trendy” or popular that you dislike. I don't really know what IS trendy right now... Is Snapchat still "in?" Because I've never gotten that. “Dirty talk” in the bedroom…love it, like it, don’t care, dislike it, or hate it? I think I'm kinda neutral about it? Like I mean it also depends on exactly what is said. I prefer more loving talk, though. What is/are your favorite type(s) of ethnic food, and what’s your favorite food within that type? I'm a basic fatass that likes American cuisine most, aha... Like give me a cheeseburger and I'm happy lmao. How would you describe your relationship with your hair over the years? I love it more now at a short length than I ever did long. When it was long and I was in my deepest depression, I was awful about brushing it. It would get so knotted. Like looking back, it nearly makes me shiver. I HIGHLY recommend cutting your hair for anyone who struggles with selfcare. How do you feel about your SO daily/regularly checking up on a couple of his exes on social media? I'm single, but hypothetically, if you're checking an ex's page nearly every day, I would not be okay with that. I'm totally fine with exes remaining friends and just cordially talking now and again, but that's it. It's a respect thing. Do you prefer your guy to wear cologne or not? I personally like cologne if it's not overwhelming. I really don't care if you wear it or not, though. Ladies, how important is it to you that your SO wears/would wear a wedding ring? This survey is so heteronormative. But anyway, unless there was an issue like it not fitting, I'd want my spouse to wear their ring. What was the turning point that led you to decide for or against having children? There are a lot of reasons I don't want kids. I'm too selfish with my "me" time, I stress out too easily, I don't want to dedicate my life to keeping another person alive and fed and happy, I have bad genes... I could go on and on. I just wouldn't be a good, "present" enough mom. I am much more interested in ensuring *I* am okay. Is having your “dream” wedding really that important to have? Not at all. I mean I want a smooth and memorable wedding, but I'm not obsessed with it being perfect. Do you consider it cheating if your SO goes to a strip club and then doesn’t tell you? That's certainly not cheating, but I wouldn't like it. Being secretive about anything in a relationship is unhealthy, imo. I'd be hurt and also very insecure because I wouldn't feel like "enough." How old is too old for trick-or-treating? Honestly? I don't think you ever are. Like come on, does it REALLY matter? Let people have fun. I don't do it because of societal standards, but I would if I didn't care about being judged. Do you sleep with your arms over or under the covers? It depends on the temperature, but I normally wake up with them under. Do you own any t-shirts of your favorite band? I have an Ozzy one stored somewhere, but it doesn't fit me now. There was another I really liked too, but that one is WAY too small now. Fries or onion rings? Fries. I'm not a fan of onion rings. True/False: you’ve had an odd dream this week. Story of my life. I had one last night where I kept dying in different ways, and I actually felt the pain, like drowning in magma. Do you find tattoo sleeves attractive? YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS. Do you like carving pumpkins? Yeah. What’s an animal you want to have as a pet but can’t? My mom has absolutely forbidden me to get a tarantula (uh, many tarantulas in my case) until I move out, lol. That doesn't stop me from checking Craigslist like every day. ;_; Have your parents ever caught you drinking? "Caught," no. Any time I've drunk, I've had permission or was a legal adult by then. How would you react if your celebrity crush came to your door? First be humiliated at my appearance and then absolutely pass out lmao. Has your mom/dad ever walked in on you kissing or anything more with someone? No, thank fuck. The person you have a crush on is drunk and goes to kiss you, you know they don’t realize what they’re doing, but do you kiss anyways? If I know it's something they wouldn't do sober, absolutely not. What would you prefer to get from a guy/girl: flowers, a hand written poem, a picture he drew of you or a nice night out? Any would be lovely, but the poem would appeal most to me because of the amount of thought that goes into poetry. Do you any shirts with any kind of images of food on them? What? I don't think so, no. Which holiday is the most fun to decorate for? Halloween. What was the first website you had an email account on? Yahoo. Have you ever written a fanfic? No. Tattoos or piercings? Both are grand, but tats win. What’s the last gross movie/show/video you saw? I saw this picture of a snake split open that had eaten another snake. Would you rather live in a huuuge house or a little cozy one? Lil cozy one! I don't want more space than is needed for cleaning reasons, as well as price. Do you have a tutor for anything? No. Who’s the best kisser you know? Jason was. Has anyone ever threatened you with a knife? No. I'd like it to stay that way. (If you’re a girl) Has anyone ever called you "shortie" instead of girl? Ew, no. Do you have a deep voice? For a woman, yes. Do you play games with boys/girls, like 'hard to get’? Hi, I'm an adult. Is there a Sonic where you live? YES. It's my fave fast-food place. What do you like on your pizza? I have three go-tos depending on my mood: Pepperoni, jalapenos, or meat lovers.

[alixanonymous]

How An Author Makes A Friend ~ A Tale Of Miracles & MariBat ~

AKA Happy Friendiversary @raesofmoonlight!

Our story begins over a year ago now. Haha time...

So there I am, having just started writing a MariBat fanfic for the first time on Archive Of Our Own, totally unprepared for how well it was going to go. So, I’m posting chapters, checking for comments after I post them like every ten minutes. Even now I still smile like a loon whenever I get a new one. But while I’m beyond appreciative of them, I still find myself hesitating to reply. 

See me lacks a lot of social skills. Like it’s bad. Like not just an internet thing I have literally no irl friends. Zip. Zilch. Zero. I dropped out of school because of my social anxiety, talking to people not my cup of tea if I’m being honest.

So really this story might’ve started a little earlier if I’d replied sooner to her first comments but alas, I didn’t. (Sorry about that, Rae. I didn’t know what I was missing.) I look back on the comments on those early chapters and the ones I didn’t reply to and just think, “Past me! Look at what’s right in front of you! You have a future friend right around the corner!”

All in due time friends, all in due time. So here we reach the true beginning and by that I mean the beginning before the true beginning because the first time I ever replied to one of her comments, my response was and I quote “:)”. That’s it. That’s the response. 10/10 first impression am I right? I overwhelmed her with my wit. She saw the smiley face and was like, “I need to be that weirdo’s friend right this minute.”

Fortunately, I didn’t have to wait long for another chance. To this day, our first exchanges happened on the only day I have ever managed a double update. It was like the universe was like “Oh God, she needs help” and gave me the immediate inspiration for that second chapter just so we could be friends. Thank you, universe.

I’m actually giving the universe too much credit here, like yes your contribution is appreciated but really it was Rae who did all the heavy lifting by leaving one of my favorite comments to this day in which she mentioned she thought I was the kind of person she’d like to be friends with, to which I replied “Please talk to me I’m lonely and you’re so nice and cool and nice!!!” Actually, I managed to play it off really well and said something along the lines of I’m always there to chat but you can read between the lines.

All our comments are still on my story by the way if you ever want to see the beginnings of a beautiful friendship, also known as an exhibition of social awkwardness, we welcome you (not really, honestly I like to pretend those early responses don’t exist because cringe) to watch as the fanfic writer flounders for words in her natural habitat. Some of you reading this might’ve actually seen it happen in real time in which case, I am very sorry if I made you cringe with my social ineptness. Just know you are not alone. 

So here we are, a year and an exchange of Tumblr urls, BatFamily memes, face reveals, and friendship bracelets later. Despite social anxiety, some pretty serious debates, several social media breaks, and a six hour time difference, we’re still going strong.

So happy friendiversary Rae! I know it’s not much but I’ve already made you a friendship bracelet and you were always the more crafty of the two of us so I decided to give you something that reminded you of how this all started. Just me on my computer typing away, smiling while thinking of all the things you’ve said. You put it better than I ever could: My smiles have gotten a lot bigger since you came around :D.

[maybeignoreme-blog]

Hey. Maybe the Internet IS Helpful

     The internet is a hateful place. You know it. I know it. It’s pretty much a fact. So many weird/bad things have come out of the creation of the internet. That ‘me gusta’ meme for example.

(Know Your Meme)

(Seriously why did we let that go on for so long)      Or Jake and Logan Paul.

    Think about it. If we didn’t have the internet D*nald Tr*mp would have no platform for his hate speech. But sometimes the Internet produces some really great things. Vine (may she rest in peace), those random websites that let you stream movies for free, the Wendy’s Twitter account. The internet allowed Ariana Grande’s “Thank u, next” to go certified platinum. It’s beautiful really. 

     Another bonus, the internet has this really cool ability to connect everyone in the world. Facebook has 1.49 BILLION users (click that link if you don’t believe me). Think about that for a second. BILLION. B-I-L-L-O-N. ~21% of the world’s population is on Facebook. 

     So all that super awesome internet connectivity has to amount to some good, right? Yeah! It has. The internet has proven to be revolutionary in terms of increasing the outreach and influence of new social movements. At the same time, however in some ways, these movements are slightly less effective than the ones in the past.

     I’m gonna focus on Twitter because I actually use that site and it’s pretty much the birthplace of the New Civil Rights Movement. Twitter rebirthed and rebranded activism. Literally every issue on earth is at your fingertips and with a few keystrokes, boom. Anyone can be part of the conversation. 

    So here’s the downside. According to a USA Today article “77 percent [of people surveyed] believe social networks can distract from issues that are really important, and 71 percent agree that “social media makes people believe they’re making a difference when they really aren’t” – a phenomenon more commonly known as ‘slacktivism’” (Simon, 2018). 

     USA Today writer Caroline Simon isn’t alone. In her dissertation Nadine Barnett-Cosby had this to say: “Some scholars argue that online activism is an asset or supplement to real-life activism, particularly for younger users who may not otherwise engage, others argue that it is a major deterrent from active behavior because it can create “the false sense of making a difference and undermines real-life activities” (Milosevic-Dordevic & Zezelj, 2016, p. 118)” (Barnett-Cosby, 52).

     It’s easy to see where all this comes from. To be completely honest I’ve been guilty of slacktivism. Most of the time I just scream into the void that is my Twitter feed without really doing anything. I sign the petitions but I don’t pay money to fund them. I retweet the posts but I don’t go to the rallies. (No one ever wants to admit that but like...who’s gonna fight me)

    What is digital activism anyway? In his dissertation, Tyler Goodridge puts it best. “Digital activism is both static and fluid; it can function as awareness building on an online forum, mobilizing large groups of people through digital campaigns, or using one’s personal social media account to support or promote a social concern” (Goodridge, 11). Basically that means that digital activism is unique as opposed to other more traditional forms of activism. The internet allows more people to become educated be a part of a movement.

     Another thing people worry about with movements like Black Lives Matter is the lack of a key figure. In the past there were leaders. Martin Luther King, Malcolm X, Marsha P. Johnson. 

They were figureheads that people could rally around. Online movements tend not to be structured that way.

     However “the suggestion that the organizations that have emerged from the Black Lives Matter protests are somehow lacking because they have rejected the old style of leadership misses what makes this movement most powerful: its cultivation of skilled local organizers who take up many issues beyond police violence” (Ransby, 2017). By not having a centralized figurehead movements like Black Lives Matter have been able to have leadership groups that can better work to help their communities under the banner of this huge movement. The e-generation is one that rejects tradition. 

     But great power comes great responsibility (or something like that). At the same time this non-traditional stance we have with modern activism can sometimes backfire. Movements can become too big. In his dissertation Kyle Chapman says about the #NoMakeupChallenge “What began as a movement intended to promote solidarity, femininity, and cancer research essentially devolved into a platform for egotism and narcissism” (Chapman, 44); which is pretty much a harsh way to say the movement was co-opted and its focus shifted from breast cancer awareness to how cute someone is without makeup (I’ll admit I thought the no makeup challenge was a way for people with clear skin to show off tbh). 

     That’s just one example. Remember the Ice Bucket Challenge? People dumped freezing water on top of their heads. It made a lot of funny videos. For example:

(Crey Crey, ‘*NEW VINES* EPIC ALS Ice Bucket Fail’)      People got more caught up in the comedy than in the message behind the challenge. It was supposed to ‘simulate’ how ALS patients feel to raise awareness (and money) but it turned into a meme.

      Such is the danger of the internet. 

     But Black Lives Matter has proven to be different. #BlackLivesMatter has proven not to be a fad. It began in 2012 with the death of Trayvon Martin. It garnered more momentum after Zimmerman wasn’t convicted. Black Lives Matter was catapulted back into the spotlight when Michael Brown was shot. This time it became a viral thing. By analyzing tweets from the beginning of 2014 to the end of November 2014 there were roughly 66,159 tweets about #BlackLivesMatter (Ince et. al), 45,844 of which were posted after Darren Wilson wasn’t indicted. Even more, these weren’t all just tweets. There were rallies and protests and petitions. 

     Black Lives Matter is a fluid movement that adapts with the time. Unlike #occupywallstreet (who was she anyway) or the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge, #BLM has managed to outlast the Internet’s 5 second attention span and has continually made changes IRL. 

     Anyway I’m gonna finish this up. If you’re going to take anything away from this it’s that you shouldn’t let old people tell you that you’re not doing enough because you’re not marching in the streets and getting arrested. Awareness can be just as powerful as direct action because oftentimes awareness can inspire action. Although maybe you should donate to your local organizations just to be safe. 

     If you’re broke (Me. I’m calling myself out) or don’t know who to donate to or just don’t don’t want to donate you can always speak to people about issues. Creating a dialogue can be just as helpful as going to rallies. Holiday season is coming up kiddos. Call out your racist uncle. Correct your homophobic cousin.

     To be completely honest most of the people you try to talk to won’t take you seriously but those whose minds you do change will be better for it. I mean come on, how cool is it to have bragging rights for converting your problematic family members? Even a little bit of change is good. Bring attention to marginalized groups even if it doesn’t affect you directly. 

     No, especially if it doesn’t affect you directly. You don’t have to be black to raise awareness about Black Lives Matter. You don’t have to be trans to advocate for trans rights. If you, yes you, incorporate those little changes you learned online to the real world you can make a change. Knowledge. Pass it on.

[angeltriestoblog]

18

Welcome to my first blog post as an 18 year-old! And yes, I am well aware that I can legally drink and could be sent to jail, thank you very much. (Not that I have any plans to, though.)

I reached this milestone in my life last July 5th. As I mentioned in an earlier entry, I decided to not go the traditional route and instead, opted for a trip to Korea last April and a week’s worth of festivities with family and friends.

I kicked off the celebration with lunch at a Korean barbecue place with my parents, then had a feast with my extended family (mother’s side) in Italianni’s.

I even got my cousin, Miguel, to go on with me on the ferris wheel nearby where I tried my best to admire the beautiful view of Manila Bay before us while screaming my head off.

For my actual birthday, I treated my closest friends from high school at yet another K-BBQ place for lunch, and then went to my favorite buffet place with my family for dinner. My friends Junelle, Danna and I also finally pushed through with our months-old plan of dropping by the karaoke bar relatively near to us, which served as a great release for pent-up emotions and a showcase of our non-existent vocal abilities.

This year, I also decided to go out on a limb and hold a project of my own. I was originally planning on giving away some of the old books I had piled up in my room to nearby orphanages, but with the time constraints I had, I couldn’t really afford to execute something so grand. So, with the help of my mom, I decided that it would be best to start small. We bought these tumblers from the nearby grocery and filled them to the brim with candies and chocolate bars, then gave them to the kids selling sampaguita at our church. I was really iffy about writing this part, because I know it’s easy to misconstrue my intentions for doing so: some people will probably just dismiss this as some put-on act of charity posted for clout. But, the experience was just so rewarding for me I had to. The children were all so appreciative, beaming at me, expressing their gratitude through belated birthday greetings and musings of how they could use my little gift for school – it kind of made me feel like my heart was on fire, but in the best way possible.

Anyway, now on to the standard realizations I make sure to include in nine out of ten posts.

This birthday in particular was a big deal for me, for obvious reasons. I had always regarded 18 as the age of independence and freedom: I equated it to having the liberty to do whatever I wanted, go anywhere I pleased with anyone at all, make the big decisions and know the answers to all the questions I’ve been asking my elders since I was a kid. I guess I forgot that I’m not the protagonist of the coming-of-age films I grew up indulging in, but a sheltered kid who has had most things done for her and thus has yet to acquire the basic life skills needed to survive The Real World. My parents said that I’m this way because they wanted to give me a life of convenience, and thus did anything that required me going out of my comfort zone, for me. All these years, I never found myself complaining about it or demanding that something be changed but for some reason, this stage of supposed adulthood has pressured me into thinking that there’s something terribly wrong with this because now, I have so much growing up to do.

Obviously, the biggest life change that I’ll have to deal with would be college: having to balance academics, extracurricular activities and different people in an entirely foreign environment sounded so terrifying for me. People would always tell me that grades have and could never be an issue for me: I was born the Smart Kid™ with a lot of potential, remember? I was generally a star student in all the schools I had attended, and everyone knew about it: I didn’t have to exert any effort to prove myself to those around me, because my grades did the talking. But, suddenly I’m about to enter this prestigious university with a rigorous screening process that takes in the Smart Kids™ from institutions all around the country. How am I expected to stand out in a place like that and get the Latin honors I can’t help but aim for?

Extracurriculars also have a huge bearing and apparently are an essential part of the whole college experience, which is weird to me since I’ve never really committed to a specific club all throughout my grade school and high school life. It seemed like more of a requirement to me than anything else, so deciding which one to join was like playing pin the tail on the donkey with my friends.

And, while I’m on that note: what about making new friends? I do appear to be outgoing and loud—especially if you’ve heard my piercing shrieks in my old Grade 12 classroom—but I’m only like that around those I’m truly comfortable with, and even that number has dwindled over the years. It’s hard to find people with the same interests as I do, and I’m growing more and more unsure of the fact that there are Ateneans who like K-Pop boy groups and laugh at the jeje memes I have in my camera roll. (I will cry if I don’t find anyone who can watch Japer Sniper videos with me.) I haven’t had to introduce myself to a new person in two years both IRL and online and I let them lead the conversation for a long while before I can think of warming up to them.

I also have to learn how to drive, which can come off as a surprise to anyone who’s known me for a while. I’ve always been the type to let go of the steering wheel and cover my eyes when the situation got out of control at the bumper cars. But, once I found out that ADMU isn’t actually the most commuter-friendly of schools, I didn’t really have a choice. On my first day of lessons, I was scared to my very core: my mind couldn’t stop bombarding me with stories of vehicular accidents and picture slideshows of cats that got run over. Although I did pass all four days and am now eligible to have my own license, I still have much work to do before I can take our Civic for a spin along Katipunan: please pray I learn how to parallel park without crashing into anything. I guess it would also be a bonus if I learned how to commute to and from places. I love going out, and I wish I always knew how to get to where I wanted to go and what mode of transportation to take instead of always relying on trikes and taxis all the time.

Since I’m of legal age, I’m also qualified to register to vote. I’ve started immersing myself in current events and politics a few years back, and I witnessed several people my age get shot down by adults when they did so much as express their opinions. “Masyado kang bata,” they’d argue. “Di nga kayo botante eh, wag na kayong makialam!” (But, the indifference of the youth would still be met with biting remarks like, “Wala na ba kayong ibang gagawin kundi mag-Internet? Magkaroon naman kayo ng pakialam sa nangyayari sa paligid!”) So now, I feel a certain kind of satisfaction in finally getting a say in who runs my country. But, at the same time, there’s also an intense kind of pressure since I am expected to discern which candidate serves the people’s best interests and hopefully lead us out of the downward spiral we’re currently making our way through.

It was only very recently—towards the start of the final month of my vacation—that I realized how stagnant I still was a person. Must be surprising for some of you. I feel like I somewhat project this image of being constantly put together. Very rarely do I let myself be vulnerable around other people. This is probably why every time I turn to someone to talk about my problems, I’m always met with reassurance: I, of all people, would have it under control, they say. I have absolutely nothing to worry about.

But, that’s the thing: when we’re on social media, we have this tendency to present only our best selves, turning our accounts into heavily filtered highlight reels. This is not only pretentious but toxic behavior, because of its failure to put things into perspective and show that everyone has their own fair share of both good and bad days. My Instagram feed may be its busy and color-coordinated self at the moment, but it doesn’t show the many nights I’ve spent crying because of how overwhelmed I was by this sudden surge in responsibilities and my inability to handle all of them. I mean, things can seem way beyond your control when your brain refuses to shut up and calm down.

I guess my failure to prepare for everything could be traced back to the beginning of this summer. In hindsight, the goals I had set for my four-month break were all very short-term and not exactly centered on self-improvement. I looked through the bullet journal I was keeping at the time, and found items like “clean my room”, “delete Facebook friends and Twitter followers I don’t interact with” and “buy a new study table” – one word for April 2018 Angel: why? I easily could have used the time to learn a new language or pledge to write 10 posts, maybe even pick up an instrument so I could have started a career as a Soundcloud artist and gotten myself a record deal instead of going to college (Mom, Dad, I’m kidding.) But for some reason, I didn’t even think of setting my standards that high. I spent a lot of time lying on my back, scrolling through the same old timelines several times a day as if the constant refreshing would bring anything of substance in my life.

It's much easier to let the regret paralyze me, to beat myself up for all the mistakes I’ve made and wonder why I didn’t do better. But, we all know that won’t help me get anywhere. As of now, I’m trying my best to be more vocal about my problems with other people so they don’t build up inside of me until I spontaneously combust. I admit I’m also quite the emotional person, so I really want to work on having a rational approach to whatever I’m going through.

I found this thread of healthy coping mechanisms and emergency plans to use during times of distress floating around. In case you guys are too lazy to click on the link, it basically says that you should first identify the trigger thought or whatever is sparking the negative emotions, identify the unhelpful thinking style that you are subscribing to and counter them through coping thoughts and actions to bring your mood back to the center. Twitter user thecolor_teal also says that one important thing to note is that you should never believe in your thoughts without critiquing them.

I’ve been doubling down on the worrying and channeling all that energy on pursuing other interests and planning my life out. I’m on my fifth book in the span of two weeks (I have a post coming up on this, so watch out!) and I just hit the 2k word mark on this post, so I can pretty much say I’m on a roll.  I also came up with three main goals that I want to prioritize as I venture into this new chapter of my life. I read somewhere that publicizing whatever you want to work on, jinxes them in a way but since there’s no scientific evidence to back it up, I’m taking the risk. It could serve as a constant reminder of what I have to do, or pressure me into following through because I’ve put it up here to everyone to see: either way, I win, I guess.

1. Be more involved – maintain a firm stance of my own in issues concerning the country, give back to my community, continue to take genuine interest in the lives of those around me and do whatever I can to help them

2. Be more sociable – judge people less; get to know and interact with people from as many different social circles as possible; learn how to make the first move, engage in small talk (!!!) and not end the conversation with an awkward laugh

3. Be more street smart – be confident when on my own in public places, distinguish when I’m being fooled by people, learn how to get out of sticky situations without having to ask for help

I don’t exactly have everything down pat yet but at this point, it’s become somewhat comforting for me to think that I’m not expected to, and that no one my age knows exactly what they’re doing. We’re all clueless kids with no idea what the future holds and if we’re truly capable of handling it – we’re all hanging on to our empty attempts at reassuring ourselves. Anyone who denies this is probably just trying to make themselves feel better and I’d like you lot to know that we see through you! Despite the sheer hopelessness of our situations, I hope you all make amends with your right to not know whatever the heck you’re doing with your life right now and learn to trust the process. You’ve probably been through worse in the past, but here you are: beaten and bruised and still dusting yourself off from the last time life let you down but still alive and valid and fighting and that’s all that matters. We got this, fellow adult-er. And that is not to be mistaken for adulterer, by the way. That’s not something we should strive to be.

[notatypicaldimension]

Tagged!

Thanks for tagging me @theragamuffininitiative ! 

I tag @hurtbyintensejourneys @thylovelylionheart @falconhawk9​ 

— what was your last…

1. drink: tea!

2. phone call: my mom.

3. text message: to a group chat with friends 

4. song you listened to: “Meltdown” by Lorde, Q-Tip, Push, HAIM, Stromae

5. time you cried: uuuhhh I think it was a couple of days ago, when I was just trying to get out of some pretty bad states and actually felt OK enough to cry so it was a good thing! 

— have you ever…

6. dated someone twice: No.

7. kissed someone and regretted it: No.

8. been cheated on: No.

9. lost someone special: Sorta....if the term is used quite broadly.

10. been depressed: Haha. Yes. Ofc. 

11. gotten drunk and thrown up: Niet. 

— fave colours

12. Purple, or gray/black scale probably. 

13. I actually quite like brown....so maybe that? 

14. Hm. Probably a deep navy? Like a sailor outfit blue? 

— in the last year have you…

15. made new friends: Yes. Absolutely. 

16. fallen out of love: No. 

17. laughed until you cried: lol yes (thank you to theinsanereader for your book wedding video)

18. found out someone was talking about you: Yes! 

19. met someone who changed you: Hahahahah...yeeeesss. Helped me a lot tbh. 

20. found out who your friends are: In a way. Like it’s not that I didn’t know before, it’s more like now I understand it better in terms of human leanings etc. 

21. kissed someone on your facebook friends list: Uuuhhhhh....no, not on the lips.

— general

22. how many of your facebook friends do you know irl: Nearly everyone, there are a few I only know via the internet somehow, but I still know them from everyday things, or I have already met them.

23. do you have any pets: Nope!

24. do you want to change your name: No. 

25. what did you do for your last birthday: Oh boy. It was a weird day but good. I spent time with a cute lil kiddo, went on a walk and saw lots of flowers, watched an episode of doctor who, went out for starbucks with a friend, and got to hold a baby amongst some other more ritualistic things. 

26. what time did you wake up today: like, 10:30 or so. 

27. what were you doing at midnight last night: Probably just listening to music and...um...maybe writing down in my diary or something?? idek.

28. what is something you can’t wait for: Hmm...this is gonna sound lame but fr I have very little social life so seeing a couple of friends once their schooltime frees up a bit more or whatever....oh! and also my little sister is competing this weekend o I can’t wait to go and watch her and her team :)

30. what are you listening to right now: Static, for the most part, and in the muffled background, my family just doing everyday things (lil screeches, telling offs, whAT?! etc.) lol. 

31. have you ever talked to a person named tom: For sure. 

32. something that’s getting on your nerves: HA. The government, and some approaches that the American Evangelical Church seems to be oblivious to or non-sympathetic smh. 

33. most visited website: “Youtube and Tumblr are probably about equal.” (lol same)

34. hair colour: Brown. 

35. long or short hair: Long..

36. do you have a crush on someone: No... at least I don’t think so. Idek if I get crushes or whatever idek it’s confusing moving on

37. what do you like about yourself: Ooh. I like that the single most re-occuring obstacle in my life is that I’m so confusing to both myself (im still learning its ok to be me) and the entire world that it’s very, VERY conflicting in odd ways and that that is what makes everything mean things to me.....it’s like my essence etc. and I now know my main passion etc......tl;dr I like that I’ve figured out what the single epitome of most of what I am is and how its path has severely been distraught, and that though it’s going to take a lot of work to get back, it’s also just going to be the most incredible thing. 

38. want any piercings: nope.

39. blood type: sis, if y’all think I’m gonna put out vip information like that on this already crackhead-justice owned website by same-type  company like yahoo, y’all are w r o n g.  

40. nicknames: Uuuuhhhh. idk. @hurtbyintensejourneys​ , you should give me one. 

41. relationship status: Single. And probably most definitely not ready to mingle (but it’s ok! I’ll be someday, sometime soon...ish)

42. sign: Taurus. But I don’t follow horoscopes. 

43. pronouns: she/her

44. fave tv show: Idek anymore....I love Lie to me, and like rags said, Fringe (tho I am still on like s2 aahh), and maybe Doctor who? I actually love Granite flats and GMW/BMW as well tho. 

45. tattoos: Nope.

46. right or left handed: Right-handed. 

47. ever had surgery: Nope. 

48. piercings: No.

49. sport: Alrighty; look, I will watch just about anything even though I’m bad at it....I think it has something to do with an interest in developing my recognizing of stuff/talent???? also it’s v cool. 

50. vacation: uuuhhh????? Probably my last “”vacation”” was in California? idek. 

51. trainers: I think they’re Nike. 

— more general

52. eating: I just want some sushi right now. The good stuff tho. NOt the *shudders* doobly-tasting kind. I love Asian food that’s not spicy tho. That’s some real bod-foodspiration right there for me.

53. drinking: Water, tea, juice that’s actually juice...... fresh smoothies. 

54. I’m about to watch: probably just safe-feeling trailers for me, so like, Me and Earl and the Dying Girl or something. 

55. waiting for: My mental health/processing desire to buffen up a little so I can actually start doing things again maybe (that’d be nice). Perseverance, basically, I guess.

56. want: Soundproof area maybe, to record //things//? A small local group of friends. 

57. get married: At some point, maybe. I’d not be surprised if I end up single tho. BUt I feel like I won’t which is....honestly.....sorta scarier for me rn dfhbjdhsbjdf

58. career: lol. idk. God’s plan? 

— which is better

59. hugs or kisses: hugs

60. lips or eyes: eyes, I think.

61. shorter or taller: taller

62. older or younger: depends

63. nice arms or stomach: niCe ArmS oR SToMacH? (bruh idk)

64. hookup or relationships: relationships is the only way to go, and not only in romance my friends. 

65. troublemaker or hesitant: Uuuhhh....hesitant. but you know what...imma pretend I come off as, like, a fine brand so. Hésitante. 

— have you ever

66. kissed a stranger: No lol. 

67. drank hard liquor: No. Thank GOD. 

68. turned someone down: Only one (1) time. Sorta. 

69. sex on first date: N o. 

70: broken someone’s heart: I actually don’t know. I don’t think so. I hope not. 

71. had your heart broken: Not like that, but also yes. At least a little. It’s sorta like having to go back and unstitch a stitch of yourself that’s all messed up; you thought you’d be ok with moving on from it, except ways further along you realise that you can’t and then having to go undo everything and start back up but even then your thread is all folded up and a little extra rugged. 

72. been arrested: No. 

73. cried when someone died: I want to say yes. But I actually am not sure. For sure, in fictional chracters so....(dad from my big fat greek wedding voice) there you go

74. fallen for a friend: No....I don’t think so. 

— do you believe in

75. yourself: Sorta. But inherently? yes. 

76. miracles: !!!! yes! If y’all knew some of the stories I’ve known....I love God so much I can’t even. It’s so marvelous. I just....Ah!

77. love at first sight: Yes, but only because I think it’s like some weird intuitive thing that’s legitimate for some people. Or maybe even a spiritual thing sometimes? 

78. santa claus: “He exists in every way that counts.” 😂 looolll

79. angels: Yes. Again, if y’all knew...

— misc

80. eye colour: brown

81. best friend’s name: I don’t have a best friend rn. 

82. favourite movie: Idk. 

83. favourite actor: Idk!

84. favourite cartoon: *Idk intensifies*

85. favourite teacher’s name: Not gonna say any specific names, but probably my German teacher in middle school, or 5th grade teacher. Also, non-official teacher friend man who taught me abstract concepts way beyond my grade level. I love them so much and they continue to have a very important impact in my life voyage. 

[sigurdjarlson]

RANT INCOMING. Yeah it’s about the hellcourse. (tw: rape, abuse, sexual abuse, incest) 

You know a lot of these people seem to have this view that "this makes me feel bad so it's bad and should not exist" and it's a very narrow minded, selfish point of view (it's telling that most 🐜 are children tbh because children have that kind of logic. Some people never grow out of it though I guess)

a particular kink, trope, show, book, fanfic, piece of fan art, whatever that makes you uncomfortable or even triggers you..is not inherently bad. Bad for you? Yes. Bad for everyone in the world ever? No. And to say something should not exist because YOU personally don't like it is..a very entitled and selfish way to view things.

 I've read fics that make me uncomfortable.

 I've read fics that left me feeling gross and fucked up for days. But are the authors bad? Absolutely not. Is the work inherently bad and dangerous? No. It's my personal experiences that make me feel the way I do and not everyone shares the same personal experiences I do. What upsets you might not upset someone else. What helps you might not help someone else. And understanding that is a matter of empathy I think.

when it comes to..problematic works of fiction. (Noncon, abusive ships, incest) they're exactly that. Fiction. Are those things horrible? Definitely. But it's perfectly fine and safe to explore these things in fiction. No one is being harmed. And as long as no one is arguing that they are okay there's no issue.  (and I have rarely, rarely seen shippers arguing that any of these things are okay irl, Honestly some of the shippers of very problematic things that i’ve met are some of the kindest, intelligent people i’ve ever known! Because what someone likes in fiction does not correlate with who they are irl or what they condone irl) 

 And someone being uncomfortable with those things is not the problem because it's understandable. It's when a person thinks they can dictate what a person consumes in fiction that it becomes a problem. It becomes a problem when people begin abusing others for having different opinions. 

Why might someone want to explore these things in fiction?

Some people just find the dark sides of humanity interesting. Fiction is a safe way to explore such things because no one is being harmed. You can explore why someone might do those things or what causes someone to end up that fucked up. Sometimes things are so awful we struggle to comprehend what could possibly make a person do those things and we’re trying to understand it via fiction.

Some people do use it to cope. This has been controversial as of late and...just because a coping mechanism is harmful for you does not mean its harmful to everyone. Everyone copes differently and mental health professionals understand that and thats why people are sometimes encouraged to explore their trauma through fiction. It helps those people. It doesn’t help you? That’s okay but you don’t get to take that away from others because you don’t like it.

You do not have a right to dictate what is or is not healthy for another person unless you are their mental health professional or they ask for your input. Seriously. Mind your own business.

Some people get off on it. Yeah. Some people jack it to noncon and incest and such. So what? It might disgust you (and that’s understandable and most shippers would agree) but it’s hurting NO ONE. Like I said as long as they’re not like hey this would be totally cool in real life...they’re not hurting anyone. 

This can make survivors understandably uncomfortable. No one is saying you’re wrong for being uncomfortable with it. People are saying you’re wrong because you’re trying to control what other people do. 

And the thing is...a lot of those people ARE survivors too. ^^ Scroll back up to the paragraph on coping.

 There are a million reasons why someone might be aroused by these things too.

Some people like it because it’s taboo/dirty/wrong. It’s the feeling that they’re dirty for getting off on it that gets their rocks off.

Some people like it because that’s all they can get off to due to trauma. (this is a common reaction believe it or not. Things like rape fantasies are common in rape victims.)

Some people want to explore dark themes in fiction. Maybe they just find it interesting because it’s so horrible they can’t comprehend what makes people do those things.

Maybe they’re trying to work out things from their past. 

Maybe they’re exploring these themes because they’re trying to understand what happened to them and why it might have happened.

 Maybe they’re trying to take back the power/control they had so cruelly ripped from them. 

They just do. Some people have kinks and they have no idea why. That’s alright. Rape fantasies are quite common in the general population. You can argue why that is all day long but it doesn’t change the fact that people have them. Some people like the thought of being powerless. Some like the idea of someone being so attracted to them they can’t control themselves. I can go on and on.

 Most romance novels have themes like this actually. And that’s okay because it’s fiction. Is that okay in real life? NO. That’s rape. You should always have someone’s enthusiastic, informed, consent.

Also the thing is..rape in real life isn’t about attraction. It’s about power and control. And no one ever truly wants rape. (That’s why it’s rape??) Dub-con is not a thing in real life. Only in fiction. And in fiction? It’s perfectly okay to explore these things because it doesn’t hurt real people. 

And people argue this normalizes such things but it doesn’t? You can’t normalize something that is universally condemned? Rape/incest/abuse is wrong. This isn’t a controversial opinion.

People who claim things like rape/incest/abuse aren’t inherently wrong for XYZ reasons are either (1) delusional (2) trying and failing to rationalize their own behavior (3) lying.

I think of how surveys say college men claim rape is okay and I can tell you right now they KNOW rape is wrong. They’re actively choosing to believe otherwise. They’re trying to convince themselves of it. (rationalizing) 

Abusers will argue all day long about how their behavior isn’t abuse because ______ or they deserved it because _______. It’s not their fault because ________

They will attempt to rationalize their own behavior to take the blame off themselves and put it elsewhere(or take the guilt off themselves if they are even capable of feeling guilt). Hell, sometimes they convince themselves they’re right and actually believe it. 

It reminds me of a post that had a passage from a book on abusers. It goes something like “abusive men will claim they have no control and yet more often than not when in a rage they destroy their victim’s belongings..but not their own.”��

It’s a choice. It’s not because they saw a show with abuse in it and became an abusive monster. They chose to be one.

Are there cases when people aren’t aware they’re being abusive? Sure. But usually on some level they do know what they’re doing is wrong. Most of us know instinctively that hurting others (whether physically or emotionally) is wrong. (unless someone has rationalized their behavior and deluded themselves into thinking it’s right. which happens) But again..this is not caused by fictional content however. There are many reasons but that is not one of them.

Some people claim that predators will use it to groom victims. And the thing is predators can use anything to groom victims. They can use praise, candy, puppies, anything to groom their victims. The point of grooming is to make the victim trust them and they can use many things to do that. 

Also I will point out that most noncon/incest/abuse fics are tagged as such. It’s tagged as rape/abuse/incest. Rape/abuse/incest is bad. It’s not called anything else there. It is what it is and no one is trying to argue otherwise. So....it would actually be counterproductive for them to use such things? Because it’s acknowledged as being wrong. They don’t want their victims to think it’s wrong. 

Some people raise the concern of children stumbling upon these things and not understanding or worse acting on what they’re seeing because it makes them believe it’s normal. 

And..that’s the same argument as “violent video games make people violent.” 

If i write a noncon fic and a child stumbles upon it despite it being tagged properly...it’s not my fault. Beyond proper tagging I am not responsible for monitoring what children see. That is the PARENTS job. If a child lies and says they’re 18 and reads said fic...it’s not my fault. 

This is the case for anything. Books, tv shows, porn, etc. Content warnings are there for a reason. Child safe options are there for a reason. Should we ban everything in the world that is inappropriate for children to see? (violence is included but somehow no one ever argues violent shows or fics should be banned..only sex...hm...telling) 

No. We should put warnings and have better tagging systems, etc. Beyond that..this is the parent’s responsibility. Children shouldn’t be seeing it in the first place.

And the harm something can do does not erase the good it may possibly do. some people only realize what happened to them was abuse because they saw it tagged as #abuse or #rape. There are so many survivors who use this kind of content to cope. There are a lot of good things that can come from it to believe it or not.

There’s also genuinely a lack of sex ed and people should be championing better sex ed programs in schools rather than trying to rid the internet of a ship they don’t like. Seriously I can’t stress this enough. We need better sexual education in schools. 

To say fiction causes X is taking the responsibility off the perpetrator. It’s giving predators the ability to cry about how society is the problem not them! Fiction made them do it! It’s not their fault!

Guess what? It is their fucking fault because they knew what they were doing. They chose to hurt someone and they deserve 100% of the blame for it. Don’t you dare take that off them. 

And yes rape culture is a thing but I might argue that these reoccurring themes are not the cause as much as a lens through which we can see problems that are already there.

And these things are 100% a problem when done in real life. But in fiction. Ughh I just..fiction hurts no one. No one is being harmed. Fictional characters are not people. They have no rights. They don’t have feelings. 

And people who stumble upon these things and are genuinely triggered? It’s very unfortunate and I sympathize but it doesn’t mean those works should be removed from the world. 

(I completely agree things should be properly tagged so people who don’t want to see those things can avoid them. And people who don’t tag their shit need to get their act together)

But ultimately It's your responsibility to make your own safe space. Unfollow blogs that ship or post things that upset you, stop reading fics that make you uncomfortable, don't go in the tags, blacklist, block, etc. there are so many options! 

If people tag their shit and you pointedly ignore those warnings and barge in anyway and then get upset...it;’s not the creator’s fault?

Fiction does effect reality but not in the way people think. It’s not a direct cause and effect relationship. Correlation does not equal causation. 

If Tom reads a noncon fic and rapes someone..it’’s not the author’s fault? Or the fic’s? It’s fully on Tom who chose to rape someone. The fic did not make him a rapist. No one reads something and suddenly turns into a horrible person. If they act on shit like that? They already had very serious issues to begin with because normal, decent people do not do those things. Duh.

And you know I think a lot of @nti’s are survivors lashing out. And hey I get it. I’m a survivor too. I may cope differently than you do but I can understand why others would be upset by it. I’m sorry you had such horrible things happen to you. You didn’t deserve it and your abuser/rapist deserves to rot in fucking hell

But the thing is...fiction isn’t the problem. It didn’t make them do what they did. (that’s a whole other discussion)

People who choose to do horrible things are the problem. 

Maybe @nti’s are lashing out at creators because they can’t lash out at the people that hurt them. That’s misdirected aggression and it’s harmful. 

Don’t hurt others who have done nothing wrong because you’re hurting. 

Hurt people hurt others. The cycle of abuse is called a cycle for a reason 

(While most survivors do not become abusers, it cannot be denied that most abusers were abused at some point. if you’re trying to understand why abusers are abusers you have to take that into account because it is a factor. Along with many other factors)

And I see that with many @nti’s. (not all) They doxx, suicide bait and emotionally abuse others in the name of “justice.” That’s just rationale. Faulty rationale for very toxic behavior.

I believe there are definitely some @nti’s are just fucking assholes who are using social justice as an excuse to treat others like shit because it makes them feel better. But I also believe some people are genuinely misguided or lashing out too.

The thing to remember..you are still responsible for your behavior. Being a survivor or mentally ill does not make you exempt from this rule. You are responsible for critically looking at your own behavior and making appropriate changes. 

I try to live my life in a way that causes the least harm possible. That’s my philosophy and I think it’s one all of us should strive to live by.

Your life will become much more pleasant if you avoid the things you dislike and enjoy the things you do like. Strive to help others. Not hurt innocent people. 

Please stop hurting people over fictional ships. It’s not hurting anyone. It really isn’’t.

If you want to really help people. If you really want to help survivors..help REAL survivors. Donate to charities, volunteer, work for better sex ed, the list goes on and on.  (many shippers do these things too because they understand that fiction and reality need to be separate) 

Because telling Angie on tumblr she’s disgusting for shipping X does nothing.

Summary: I’m very tired of all this

But I wish you all the best all the same.

Whoever you are...whoever is reading this. I hope you find peace..

[southwindscoffee]

how I became a writer, part 2, because Kristy asked me to write this down

Part Two: Sharing

Here’s part one: https://www.lesliemcadamauthor.com/blog/2021/6/9/how-i-became-a-writer-part-1-because-kristy-asked-me-to-write-this-down

After I made the decision to take my writing seriously—and to get help in doing so—it wasn’t anywhere near the end of my writerly journey, of course. (I’m still nowhere near the end.)

 I don’t remember how exactly I started, except that I’d been messing around with the story that eventually became The Sun and the Moon and brought it to Kristy for review, ten pages at a time. I had to start somewhere. (Maybe I’d started fifteen years before…)

 She taught me basic things at first. Watch out for “wuzzies” (using the passive voice/was as the only verb). Add in sensory details. Etc.

 But we also talked about psychological and business stuff for writers, too.

 An amusing early conversation we had was where she brought up pen names. And I was like, I’m not using one. This is part of my recovery. I’m claiming my writing in my own name. And Kristy said something along the lines of, “Well, okay, then. That’s a conversation we don’t have to have.” And I got the feeling that if I hadn’t made that choice, while she would have supported it, she was secretly pleased that I was using my own name. Me deciding this before she brought it up saved her a sales job.

 But being “Leslie McAdam” has caused some issues. Namely, I have nowhere to hide. This is me. Every sex scene, swear word, cringeworthy event, wank, mistake—intentional or otherwise. All me. I’ve had to learn to own it.

 Admittedly, I’ve had a few moments where I’ve been tempted to use a pen name and put out something that I didn’t have as much of an interest in “getting right.” Just to see what would happen.

 I can’t do it, though. Or at least I haven’t really and truly wanted to (because if I did, I would). Those thoughts have just served as a daydream. But I’ve felt I’ve made the right choice, at least for me. I need the power of owning my words, and I don’t want to hide. (As I’ve said in other posts, this isn’t a commentary/judgment on others who use pen names. All I’m saying is it wasn’t—isn’t—right for me.)

 So, here I am. This is me. And I write all sorts of open and vulnerable words. I’ve learned that the more open and vulnerable my words are, the better my writing is and the freer I feel. But that doesn’t mean it’s been easy to talk about some of the things I write about.

 Actually, correction. It’s relatively easy to write these words. The hard part is pushing “publish” because that opens up criticism. The moment I take the words from being on my laptop or notebook and put them out there for consumption, they are now meant for someone else. And that reader can take my words in an infinite number of ways. I’m always hoping for the connection, but I’ve had to learn that not every reader is for me. Some don’t connect at all, no matter what I write. And I think at this point, I’ve had every reaction, from (three) readers tattooing my books on their skin to one star reviews (and lots of them). While I’ve always known this intellectually, I’ll admit I’m still learning it from an emotional level.

 But I still share. And that, I think, is the brave thing.

 As part of sharing, I’ve had to overcome perfectionism. I’ve had to allow in some errors. Because if I waited for everything to be absolutely just right, I’d never publish a thing. While I still have perfectionist tendencies and I care very much about grammar and quality, every time I write a blog post, I face these fears and tendencies head on. My blog posts are raw and unedited, just me and the words without any professional help. And every time I share one, I still think, “fuck it.”

 And post.

 (Even after a year and a half of doing this twice a week. Even after almost six years of publishing novels.)

 But besides my words not being for everyone, I’ve also learned that I really don’t have many people around me physically who like my writing. (They like me just fine.) Very few people in my “real” day-to-day life, though, are my readers. My family certainly is not. (Not a judgment, but I don’t write it for them and I actively discourage them from reading to spare both of us the pain.) I don’t work with very many people who read (or understand) romance, either. (Cue “Romance isn’t cheesy Fabio” rant.)

 Thus, a part of my recovery was to stop caring what those around me thought about my creativity.

 Sorry, not sorry. If you know me, but don’t care for my writing, well, I don’t write for you. My books aren’t for you. I’m not writing this post for you, and I don’t care if you read it or not.

 (But of course I wouldn’t say it that strongly if there wasn’t a part of me longing to be accepted in all regards, not just those facets that are easy to show off.)

 So, facing the reality that I don’t know any romance readers IRL, I’ve had to reach beyond what I have here in my home and work to find those who appreciate what I write.

 Enter: the glorious internet.

 At some point (this is 2015), I’d discovered Wattpad, and with Kristy’s encouragement posted my first tentative chapters.

 I remember posting the first chapter, then looking at it and seeing that I had a view. And then realizing that the view was me. Face palm.

 I also felt like I should hide under the desk because the first paragraph of my first book starts—intentionally so—mid-thrust in a bad sex scene. (The sex is bad; hopefully the scene is not.)

 After I posted it, I simultaneously wanted people to read it and wanted no one to read it. I felt open and vulnerable and powerful and scared and brave and really and truly alive. I still wanted to hide sometimes, though. And I was proud of myself for putting it out there.

Then I posted another chapter.

 And another.

 The early feedback on those chapters from readers is something I’ll treasure. From grammar correction (I’ve only slightly improved on comma placement, but at least I learned it’s a thing I do) to pointing out story issues, the feedback I got from Wattpad really helped and encouraged me.

 I finished the story in maybe a month. And then I wrote another. And another.

 And I kind of haven’t looked back since. Sure, I’ve had moments where I’ve been stuck on one story for too long. I’ve taken a while to publish, then publish a bunch at once.

 But I’ve kept a near-daily writing habit for years,  and I think it’s the most important thing I do.

 Oh, and that first story? It ended up winning a Watty. At the time there were 40 million app users and 75,000 entries, so it was the world’s largest online writing competition.

 Yeah, that felt good. I found my readers.

 The other thing that happened is after about eighteen months, I was completely free from depression. I’m not kidding, it’s a distant memory. I still get anxious, yes, but I have not felt depressed in years.

 I’m pretty sure that all this expression and authenticity had a lot to do with it (along with me trying everything—medication, therapy, exercise, and so on).

So, if you are wanting to write, make decisions based on your own life, not someone else’s. Certainly not mine. Use six pen names. Write whatever the hell you want. Get help.

But publish.

[anonijus]

I want out.

Out of the Matrix. Out of myself. I don't want to be tracked all the time. I don't want a profile being compiled of everything I buy, everywhere I go, every website I visit...

So I get a new laptop. One not connected to my name. I buy it in a different city. But then does that mean I can only use it in the city I bought it? I bring it back to my home city. I want to go online at one of my favorite cafes, but I realize that would make it easier to deduce whose laptop it is. Especially with how often I use it. I start to mix it up. I frequent cafes I've never been to. I spend more time in cities I would never want to be in. Yeah, that'll throw them off...

I never make a new account with my real name. Pseudonyms only. I never refer to accounts I've used before. I never log back in to Facebook. I tread lightly when it comes to looking up stuff I used to look up so it's not too obvious who I am, based on what types of searches I make. Then, one day, I make a mistake... Damn! I just visited a part of a little known website that only I would go to. Or I searched for a hashtag that only I used before. Too obvious. Start over.

I get an old used laptop from a homeless homie. Not sure if that's secure enough, since he's not a stranger - there's still a breadcrumb trail back to me. Not really, though. What am I so worried about? That they'll corner him in an interrogation center to find out who he gave the laptop to? For what it's worth, our friendship is off the record. We were never friends on Facebook. He doesn't know my last name. It's hard to know what's irrationally paranoid and what's just rational paranoia in an age of totalitarian surveillance.

I can't risk making the same mistake again if I have to buy a new laptop every time, just to feel secure in my anonymity. I start looking into how I can better cover my tracks. I wipe the computer and install a secure Linux operating system. Not the most popular one, though... you never know when a big mainstream project could get infiltrated and compromised. Of course, all these precautions are pointless if everything I'm doing is still being tracked online. Even without making any new accounts to be tracked, all my browsing history is probably passing through the N$As servers. Even if it's not tied to my irl identity, they could still build a profile of all my pseudonyms and browsing history. A statistical analysis of what YouTube videos I'm watching could be enough to make an educated guess at who I am just based on my music tastes...

So I started using TOR-browser whenever possible, for almost all my browsing needs. Again, I avoid old accounts. All new accounts. All new pseudonyms. All new hashtags. Damn, it's like I have to erase my whole existence and start over every time I mess up. New projects. New websites. I forget what projects I was working on two identities ago. How long have I been doing this? How many people have I been? Am I getting anywhere? Isn't this fruitless run-around exactly what the N$A wants? I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels..

The more I learn about security, the less secure I feel. The more you know, the more you know you don't know. The TOR-browser is sweet, but it has been compromised in the past. But it's fine now, right? But it could always happen again... But it's pretty safe, it gets audited by third parties, right? But anything can be compromised, so how can I trust the audit? But no, I'm being too paranoid again. My digital footprint is so small... It's not like I'm running the next silk road. Besides, bit torrents are still going strong, despite the fact it's hard/impossible to avoid being tracked when you use them (as a function of how bit-torrent works).

I remind myself that all I really need to do is stick to best practices and forget about being perfect. I'm not doing anything illegal, anyways... TOR-browser on a secure Linux system should be enough...

But I can't help it, and I start to pick up superstitions from the Swarm. The government can open their own TOR exit nodes, and if they open enough of them, they can start to get a sense of who is doing what in the TOR network. Theoretically. So I start double-checking where my first three connection hops are. The rumor is that if all your TOR hops keep coming out of the USA then the network could be compromised. But that doesn't even make sense... you really think the same N$A who tramples on everyone's constitutional rights is going to be too inundated with legal beaurocracy to just open exit nodes out of foreign countries when they need to? You really think that's above and beyond their capacity? But that doesn't help, now I just feel less sure of my anonymity even if the connections aren't from the USA.

As I learn more about TOR, I realize my footprint isn't nearly as small as I thought. There are holes in my security everywhere. Since anyone can open an exit node, and your connection must go out an exit node any time you access a website that doesn't end in ".onion", I might be giving up my passwords every time I log in. Well, at least I'm using accounts that are relatively unrelated to my irl identity. These are mostly throwaway accounts, anyways. Then I learn about the potential of an attack using end-to-end statistical analysis of bandwidth. Although IP addresses and internet traffic are masked, you can see when someone is using TOR, and you can see how much bandwidth they use. Enough to deduce which TOR connection is connected to which websites if the bandwidth at both ends are closely monitored. (Again, ".onion" websites are safer because your connection won't go through an exit node, so there is no "other end" to match your bandwidth).

On top of it all, my MAC address is probably attached to everything I'm doing... TOR hides the internet traffic, but I bet the N$A still builds bandwidth profiles for every MAC address just in case they can connect the dots at a later date. (That's the address embedded in your hardware, the physical address).

At this point, I start to regret knowing so much about how these technologies work. I know plenty of people who continue to speak freely online, as if there were no surveillance at all. Of course, they also don't question the status quo as much, or as directly. My argument is usually that the surveillance could be influencing them on a subconscious level. It's not that they are so confident and enlightened that it doesn't bother them. Rather, they are simply unaware of the extent to which they are being silenced. But I have to admit, at times, I wonder how much more I could be getting done if I was naive to all of this.

Sometimes I even wonder if Edward Snowden was actually a part of this whole subconscious silencing agenda. A critical component of imposing this so-called chilling effect is to let people know they're being watched. Otherwise we could just continue organizing and resisting as if we weren't being watched. No wonder that news story managed to get paraded around mainstream media outlets, when so many bigger stories get completely censored out of existence. Perhaps it was all part of the plan to implement a panopticon-type of atmosphere where everyone watches themselves. (Note: whether Snowden played into this agenda on purpose or by accident is irrelevant.)

Finally, I start using Tails OS. Something tells me whonix/qubes would be even more secure, and less likely to get compromised, but I settled for Tails for now. It uses MAC spoofing by default, masking the MAC address with a fake MAC address. And the OS is hardened to the point that I don't have to worry so much about viruses and glitches on my own OS. Finally, I feel like I've got a decent setup. I use email addresses that I can access through a ".onion" website. I start frequenting more ".onion" websites to communicate with others, and recede even deeper into the world of the darkweb...

So then, with such a solid OS, I stop worrying about whether or not JavaScript is on... bad move! There's still so much more to uncover. For one thing, I realize that Tails is mostly funded by the government - which doesn't necessarily mean it has backdoors, because they use it themselves and wouldn't want to plant backdoors for their own enemies to use against them, but it is something to consider. Then I learned about "uxdt". Ultrasound-cross-device-tracking. Using ultrasound footprints in commercials and on websites, uxdt can be used to trigger smart phones to gather data about what commercials you've watched so they can continue bombarding you with the same ad on your smart phone. With JavaScript enabled in the TOR-browser, I risk coming across a website that triggers a smart phone to know what website I visited through TOR, which could be enough to backtrack through that TOR sessions activity and link it to me. Theoretically. So I start turning off JavaScript again, or at least turning off the sound on my computer... I hope that works...

My point is... in a world where anonymity was once the default for all Internet usage, these days it seems to be slipping away from me... Perhaps this Tumblr will be my final resting place, to hang my hat, and give up the chase. Not a place to be silent, but a place to speak my mind, despite the risk. A place for all my anonymous loose ends to synthesize into a single identity, for better or for worse. Not that I will quit my anonymous projects altogether, but that I will accept my fate that I may never perfect a completely decentralized, untrackable, unknowable online presence... Even now Skynet is no doubt scanning my words, and building a profile of this pseudonym, perhaps even using stylemetry to figure out my irl identity. But to remain entirely in the dark web doesn't seem like a particularly effective way to spread information and expand consciousness, either, because of the catch-22 that the very people who need to hear more about this kind of stuff are the ones who aren't on the darkweb.

In my lifetime, I've seen technology progress by leaps and bounds. But for whom? And to what end? Must Skynet come to fruition, despite all our warnings throughout the years? Must we settle for an identity-driven Matrix that most people silently long to escape? I remember when computers were new. I remember when my family got our first computer. And over the next couple decades, we went from owning our first computer, to living inside one. We've gone from getting our hands on these cool devices that give us more control to manipulate numbers, data, sound and video, to becoming controlled and manipulated ourselves as components of the machine.

But the original spirit of the Internet lives on. It lives on in me, and perhaps in you, as well. It lives on in the opensource movement. It lives on in whistleblowers and hackers who still manage to maintain some degree of anonymity, and it lives on in groups fighting for the right to internet freedom such as the EFF.

In the early days of the Internet, Anonymous arose quite naturally and organically as a wellspring of information. A channel for an ongoing global conversation about where our world is headed, and how we can shape it for the benefit of all of humanity. It gave people the truest expression of free speech this world has ever known. A chorus of whistle-blowers began, and the world started waking up. At the same time, people were given a break from their egos. We saw what we were capable of when we completely side-stepped our own self-concept, and spoke as a faceless genderless raceless ageless entity. In those days, there weren't even images online yet, and when images did arrive it took a while before anyone was willing to show their face. But now we seem to be moving into the era of "asl", and being shamed off of social media for not showing our faces. Facebook is slowly but surely implementing a "real names" policy and the clearnet more resembles an FBI look-book than an underground movement to unite humanity beyond the superficial personal identities.

But I have trouble believing that this is the direction we want the Internet to move in. It seems more like we're being swept up into a direction not of our own choosing. A chorus of egos, where truth is polluted by identity and self-concept, where personalities clash and conversations stall out, and people care more about who is talking rather than what is being said. I hate to say it, but the surface web is looking more and more like the real world.. a wasteland of bullies and fear, where information is willfully ignored or even violently silenced whenever it is convenient...

But here we all are. The children of Earth. Brothers and sisters of humanity, immediately and intimately hyperconnected through the Internet. It's up to all of Us how we decide to shape our world. So, tell me. What's it going to be?

[sanguinesprout]

Uhhhhh... *derp* (More stuff about indecision, some talk about doctors and some blog changes)

Lately has been well... kinda okay but mostly meh. I’ve been flip flopping between feeling somewhat content with myself and a little motivated and feeling absolutely empty inside and distraught. It’s been almost two weeks since my last post here (actually a reblog lol) and I’ve really been wanting to write a post but I’m still stuck in the habit of putting it off until I know for sure what I want to write or have the privacy to do so. Or maybe it’s just me being a big scaredy cat again :< I think from now on I’ll try to just write as if I’m writing in a diary, so more spontaneous and with less worrying about structure/keeping to just one topic or whether someone reads it or not, as I’m doing this for myself and my benefit most.

Although I was dawdling I did however sort out quite a lot of stuff to do with the blog and some good stuff irl (which I’ll get to later or in another post). One of the main things to mention is that I switched this blog from my primary one to a side one, which does make more sense and makes me feel a bit more at ease which should make it a bit easier to write and post without the restraint I was feeling before. Whether to keep them linked or not idk, I feel uneasy about it but I don’t think it should matter, I mean it is still me on both blogs and everything. I just wanted to separate the huge blocks of serious emotional text from the random cutesy and silly stuff I also wanted to post, but I think I might still post mental health related things to my main one, just in the form of images and not essays like these lol. 

Also I changed the urls from the hyphenated and maybe overly fancy termed things they were previously to more simple and cute ones. I still feel a lil iffy about them (like this blog url feels a bit ‘cold’ but looks pretty and flows well while my main one sounds more ‘warm’ but the world cuddly doesn’t flow well or look as nice lol) but whatever I’ll grow to like them or just change them again whenever, I spent way too much time agonising over them, it’s time to move on! I fixed up the about pages on both of them too, the links and tags pages are still empty for now, but I’m content enough with the way they are now to actually begin posting properly soon I hope. Oh and the current avatar/sidebar image is a really crappy drawing I made 2-3 years ago with a mouse when I was feeling down and was going to make and name this blog ‘rainysnail’ lol. I still might use that name/url someday for something though ^^

I searched for ‘extreme indecisiveness’ in google the other day because I was that frustrated with myself about well, being indecisive (and it was over the same lame url/blog stuff as before, not surprise surprise). I know there’s a lot of stigma around consulting ‘Dr.Google’ and self diagnosis being looked down on as it could prove to be more harmful in some cases and I won’t lie, I do get kinda hypochondriac-ish sometimes, but sometimes it can be very educational and helpful too. I just wanted to know if I was feeling something... something valid(?) or if I was just being an idiot. 

I came across ‘Aboulomania’ on my indecisiveness search and wow, it sounds pretty similar to AVPD and my current feelings but the way it’s written is kinda heavier? (and hella typo-ey/engrish-y lol I just chose that one because it seemed to have the most info from the few I clicked on). Idk... it doesn’t seem to be as much of a known/legit thing so there doesn’t seem to be that many sources on it or at least any reputable ones (though I didn't look particularly hard or for a long time though but once you’re past page 2 on google everything is bleh anyways lol). Also on its definition here lol it talks about ‘analysis paralysis’ and that’s something I kinda knew of and struggle with already. I feel some resonance with this finding and feel a little more assured and saddened at the same time, but I’m not about to run around screaming I have this thing or anything. Maybe I’ll look into it more another time but right now I kinda don’t have the energy to .__.

Indecision is something that appears and could be caused by all sorts of disorders, even just depression alone or a whole mix of other things and factors. Many disorders overlap (like the stuff in cluster c which I feel are most relevant to me) and trying to pinpoint exact reasons and causes for things to do with mental health is near impossible, so I don’t wanna dwell on it. I have therapy soon so having a professional help work out things is a much better idea (unless they also consult Dr.Google like some of the stories I’ve read online lol).

I did see some snippets of advice on indecision on another page and it was basically to let go of the feeling to try and always be perfect/choose the definitive ‘right’ decision and to just trust your gut feelings instead of leaving yourself to stress over it. Yeah, it’s nothing new really and I have been trying to do this but sometimes it’s just so difficult with all these automatic negative feelings weighing my rationality down and sometimes I forget because it’s so hard wired into me to get anxious and over analytical. *Sigh* ...but if I keep reminding myself I think it will stick more in the end. I have already adopted the ‘it doesn’t hurt to try’, ‘just do it, ‘yolo’, ‘no1curr’ etc. kind of mindset/mantra when I get hesitant before doing something that I usually avoid lol, sometimes it fails but the times when I have been brave and not overthought or avoided I’ve felt kinda proud of myself and there were some positive-ish outcomes too. So I just need to continue and allow myself to grow stronger in mind and spirit (and hopefully body too).

In relation to what I said before about the whole ‘Dr.Google’ thing, I thought maybe take the time now to write about my experiences with doctors in general. Many times in the past and even now when I would be explaining my problem (whether physical or mental) to a doctor, they would just shake their head and scoff to them self or even outright laugh smugly and then dismiss it straight away (especially if I mentioned I read something on the internet). The feeling of being fobbed off and even ridiculed by someone that’s supposed to be helping didn’t fare well on my confidence at all and I feel it is a reason I wasn’t proactive in sorting out a lot of the problems I’m still dealing with and obviously I am regretful, maddened and saddened as many of them could have been avoided or alleviated better if they were dealt with sooner.

I’m not saying all doctors are like this, I think it was those particular doctors that were the problem and thank goodness I don’t have to choose to see them anymore (I hope). My current doctor (who I actually came across due to those mean doctors being unavailable one time) is worlds apart in the way he handles things. He is so kind and accommodating to start with, listens well to any concerns, addresses them with great care and reassurance and is very adept at scheduling appointments for further investigations. I feel he really goes above and beyond and has both a friendly and personal but professional demeanour. I mean he isn’t 100% godly perfect as there were times I felt a bit iffy with some of the explanations and prescriptions and sometimes things were delayed, but he does try hard to help and is not against reading information from the internet and in fact encourages it and utilises it himself (eg. printing a informational page on a certain health thing from a reliable health website).

When I presented some info and concerns relating to a health problem I was having investigated already but felt was going in the wrong direction (ie. going down the typical ‘fob you off with the most common explanation so you go away’ route) he explained that it’s the typical process to go for the most common things first when investigating and agreed another route of investigation would be beneficial, more relevant and time efficient so he arranged that too. This doctor is such an awesome and good natured person and I’m so grateful, but he may only be temporary at the place I go to however and it makes me sad to think I might end up with the mean kind again someday. But the lesson is to not settle on doctors that are not helpful or any other type of awful and that there are good people out there. Something that was really very prominent and touching about going to this doctor is that my mother and sister who go with me sometimes were also stunned by how nice and helpful he’s been.

I distinctly remember one of the first times I went to see him with my mum and at that point I had been ill for so long already and she was obviously very worried about me. At the end of the appointment he announced what he would recommend me for investigation and assured that he’d help me get better soon with a smile and then he pointed to my mum next to me who I wasn’t facing at the time and I can’t remember exactly what he said but it was something about my mum crying. When I turned to look, she was indeed crying and I couldn’t stop my own eyes from watering either. I have never ever EVER seen my mum cry before, so it shocked me a lot and made me emotional too. I mean my sister told me she did cry one time recently, but that was when she was so stressed and upset over a family matter on her side of the family :c It’s not like this is something on my bucket list or anything, because I would rather her never be upset or cry for a bad reason, but this showed how much she cares and worries for me and in this case she was crying because she was happy, relieved that she would possibly not have to see me suffer as much and was moved to tears.

Unfortunately the problems have still not been resolved or fully recognised yet, and recently one of the doctors recommended to help investigate fobbed me off and it feels bleh lol... no not lol... very un-lol :< But at least the investigation is still going further in some way I guess and I’ll take his words with a grain of salt, I’ve yet to see my regular doctor to discuss what happens next. I think I’ve just backed down and passively taken whatever explanations too much in the past with negative results or progress and Idk I have a hard time accepting things some doctors say nowadays, a lot of it seems contradictory, sometimes illogical or outdated, robotic, insincere etc. 

When I’m reading what I’ve just written it keeps making me worried I’m a ass or have trust issues or something... :< I know doctors are meant to be serious and professional, but I can’t shake the feeling that some of them are not nice/unwilling to help as much as they could. I have had so many past experiences to do with being treated differently and being prejudiced against and it still happens today and not just to me but all of my family members, it’s tough and really upsetting... :c

It is true though, that you really have to push and persist if you want something done about a problem, and many times people are let go and misdiagnosed with stuff that ends up being something different or a lot more serious. I’m not saying whatever I have is ultra serious and I wouldn’t know anyways. I am clearly not dying, and I hope I’m not, but when I was without medication at the beginning I felt so bad and I was so scared of dying (even though usually idgaf thanks to depression etc.) I’m scared of being in pain and having to suffer both physically and mentally forever. I want to get better, become a stronger person. do the things that matter and well, in a nutshell live my life to the fullest.

Anyways, about the app with the normal doctor... I avoided phoning on a day I could’ve gotten a sooner appointment (my sister encouraged me to, but she was away that day and my mum said it was an inconvenient day to go, but it actually wasn’t really... I should I have pushed myself to go forward even so...) the appointment I do have is 2 weeks away from what it could’ve been. But I guess maybe someone else might have taken that appointment that needed it more urgently, or there might not have been any available that day anyways w/e. Avoidance playing up again... be more brave silly self!

I was planning to write some more happier stuff that’s been going but this post is already quite long so a separate post it is~ and I won’t keep putting it off! Tbh I’m only comfortable pulling up my blog and writing my feels whenever I am alone, so when my family are all at work, but this only occurs on random days and for such a short span of time. Or at least when I know they are all busy downstairs, I can try but I feel like I have to be extra alert and switch it away when they do come. I... ugh idk :c I don’t want to be secretive or feel guilty but I can’t help it, it’s just so hard and frustrating. I can’t even write what illnesses I was talking about earlier on (though I do hope to dedicate whole posts to writing about them later). I will improve and forgo this paranoid feeling someday though! Believe it! *cringe*