#can he go back to italy actually i need a new instagram post like this to feed the parasites in my brain

[theyluvkarolina]

౨ৎ FOOLISH ONE ౨ৎ

masterlist / rules / requests & talks with me!

SUMMARY౨ৎ Love sucks. Men suck. Even worse? Your “date” stood up up. To cheer you up, your friend invites you to a F1 race to cheer on her boyfriend and meet some new people. Not your thing. But a new face gives you hope.

PAIRING ౨ৎ Lando Norris x Fem!Reader

WARNINGS ౨ৎ men sucking ass and being assholes (lando not included), spelling mistakes

A/N ౨ৎ i’ve been holding back this fic longer than i should have 🥴 enjoy!!

INSTAGRAM

y/n_l/n has posted 3 new stories!

201 people replied to your stories!

user1 DONT TELL ME WHAT I THINK HAPPENED HAPPENED :((

user2 all she wants is love bro 😞

user3 being stood up for the 3rd time is so tough. i’m so sorry lovely ❤️‍🩹

lilyzneimer my baby :(( text the gc if you want to talk 🩷

→ y/n_l/n i will in a bit i just need to recollect myself 🥹

oscarpiastri who needs to be run over. name and address.

→ y/n_l/n oscahhhh 😭😭

IMESSAGES

INSTAGRAM

y/n_l/n

📍 Sunshine State

y/n_l/n going on a trip 🌺🌴☀️🐬

1,498 comments

user1 i hope you have a wonderful trip especially after what happened :(

user2 girl you deserve this trip after the cheating ex-bf and 3 ghosters

user3 I NEED TO KNOW WHERE TO 😩😩

→ y/n_l/n that’s a secret 🤫

user4 you deserve this so much. men suck ass

→ y/n_l/n MEN SUCK ASS 🗣️ 🔥 !!!

oscarpiastri something tells me i’m going to regret this

→ user5 WHAT DO YOU KNOW OSCAR

→ user6 i’m telling you guys it’s a gp

→ user7 gp??? you guys know she hates them and she said it plenty times before 😭😭

→ user8 you never know.. 😋

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

oscarpiastri has posted a story 12 minutes ago!

562 people replied to your stories!

user8 HELLO DID YOU AND LILY LOSE Y/N??? 😭😭

user9 STOP NO WONDER SHE LOOKED SO LOST IN OTHER PEOPLE’S TWEETS😭

lilyzneimer oscar, y/n is actually going to kill us. why did she even leave the garage?!

→ oscarpiastri ✔︎ she needed to use the bathroom but i sorta forgot her directions aren’t… the best. → lilyzneimer she’s never coming back to a gp ever again. → oscarpiastri ✔︎ yeah. i wouldn’t be surprised.

landonorris ✔︎ i think i have who you’re looking for..

y/n_l/n OSCAR JACK PIASTRI OPEN YOUR MESSAGES RN A GUY GAVE ME HIS NUMBER

oscarpiastri ✔︎ why am i scared…

IMESSAGES

INSTAGRAM

y/n_l/n and oscarpiastri have posted new stories!

738 people replied to your story! 849 people replied to your story!

user10 “who is this man” GIRL THATS LANDO NORRIS 💀💀

→ y/n_l/n lando who now

→ user10 your..? your best friends team mate..?

user11 NOT LANDO TRYING TO FLIRT WITH HER WHILE OSCAR IS TRYING TO FIND HER

user12 why do lando and y/n look like they got caught doing something they aren’t supposed to do 😭

user13 the lando y/n meeting wasn’t expected but now? it’s a need.

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

landonorris ✔︎

landonorris WWE FUCKIJG DID IT. P1 🏆

5,493 comments

user14 HE DID IT!!

→ user15 IT TOOK A COUPLE YEARS BUT HE DID IT!!!

user16 sochi??? what’s sochi??? i only know miami!!

oscarpiastri ✔︎ well done man 👏👏👏

lewishamilton ✔︎ WELL DONE

y/n_l/n y’know… f1 races aren’t so bad

*♥️ by Author !!*

→ landonorris ✔︎ it’s better with you here. i mean, i did win the one race you’re here 😏

→ user17 lando making the moves??

→ user18 the second hand embarrassment because she didn’t reply back after that 😭😭

oscarpiastri ✔︎ @ landonorris making moves on one of my best friends??

→ landonorris ✔︎ why not?

→ oscarpiastri ✔︎ but why

→ landonorris ✔︎ why not

→ oscarpiastri ✔︎ but why tho 😐

IMESSAGES

INSTAGRAM

y/n_l/n

📍 Italia

y/n_l/n he said whoever loses pays.

tagged ; landonorris

1,250 comments

user19 LANDO-Y/N PT 2???

user20 is she there for emilia-romangna???

→ user21 I THINK SO

→ user22 the way they are fueling my delusion

user23 why are the cute together 🥴

→ user24 they can literally just be friends

→ user25 yeah and friends play chess and explore italy which is a romantic destination 💀

oscarpiastri ✔︎ sooo… did he win?

→ y/n_l/n are you kidding me? i wiped the floor with him

landonorris ✔︎ $100 down the drain 😐

→ y/n_l/n down the drain? more like down into my stomach

→ landonorris ✔︎ yeah yeah 😒

→ y/n_l/n ✔︎ don’t get pissy with me YOU are the one that insisted on going there AND paying BEFORE the chess game 🤨

→ user26 STOP THAT’S CUTE :((

user27 y/n and lando hanging out even though she hates grand prixs? this was not on my 2024 bingo card

→ user28 it def wasn’t but lord do they look good together

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

landonorris ✔︎

landonorris fun days 🌊

1,690 comments

user29 HELLO THE SECOND PHOTO???

→ user33 mommy? sorry. mommy? sorry. mommy-

user30 IT SO OBVIOUSLY HER

→ user31 her?? who’s her??

→ user32 y/n!! she’s oscar and lily’s friend and hanged out with lando not too long ago actually

→ user31 oh. but how do we know it’s her???

carlossainz55 ✔︎ little lando norris isn’t so little anymore 😆 they grow up so fast 😭

→ landonorris ✔︎ haven’t been little for the past 8 years…

→ carlossainz55 ✔︎ i don’t know the texts send say otherwise

oscarpiastri ✔︎ huh. interesting.

→ landonorris ✔︎ …😰

oscarpiastri ✔︎ @ y/n_l/n you left me and lily for him? this guy?

→ user33 OSCAR CALLING HER OUT FOR LEAVING THEM???

→ user34 classic oscar fashion 💀

→ y/n_l/n he promised me that he had something worthwhile 😕

→ oscarpiastri ✔︎ i did not need to know this.

→ y/n_l/n wdym???

→ y/n_l/n OMG OSCAR

→ y/n_l/n YOU LITTLE SHIT I DIDN:T MEAN IT LIKE THAT

→ y/n_l/n LANDO SAID HE HAD THE GOOD HÄAGEN-DAZS ICE CREAM :((

→ landonorris ✔︎ and it was some very good häagen-dazs ice cream 😏

→ y/n_l/n YOU’RE NOT HELPING LAN 😭😭

→ user35 LMAOAOOA

TWITTER

INSTAGRAM

y/n_l/n

320 people replied to your story!

landonorris ✔︎ dare I say.. boyfriend material?

→ y/n_l/n husband actually ☝️☝️

→ landonorris ✔︎ updates already?? barely even a month in 🥴

→ y/n_l/n what can I say? You’re the one and when you know, you know 🩷

IMESSAGES

TWITTER

IMESSAGES

INSTAGRAM

landonorris ✔︎

landonorris might have lost the race… but at least i’ve won first her heart :)) (ps: the only blonde that would separate us is if you dye yours blonde)

tagged ; y/n_l/n

3,018 comments

user36 THE CAPTION 😭😭

user37 AFTER THE DRAMA??

user38 bro said “lemme make a statement” after the accusations 😭

user39 everyone assumed so quickly as if it wasn’t obvious y/n and lando were dating

user40 i was expecting this but wasn’t at the same time

y/n_l/n ✔︎ yeah maybe second place

→ landonorris ✔︎ can i not be loving and romantic?? 😞😞

→ y/n_l/n ✔︎ just joking love you my mystical gnome 🩷

→ landonorris ✔︎ MYSTICAL GNOME???

→ user41 HELLO THATS SO RANDOM

oscarpiastri ✔︎ break her heart, and i’ll run you off the track

→ landonorris ✔︎ yes sir. won’t happen sir.

y/n_l/n

y/n_l/n i think i could get used to this sorta love. 🩷

tagged ; landonorris

3.959 comments

francisca.cgomes cutie(s)

→ y/n_l/n no u 🤭

→ landonorris ✔︎ it hasn’t even been a month and you already took my girl??

→ francisca.cgomes ✔︎ you snooze you lose 🤷‍♀️

user42 THEY BOTH DID IT!!

user43 CONFIRMED I REPEAT Y/N-LANDO IS CONFIRMED!!

user44 ITS HAPPENING GUYS Y/N FINALLY GOT A BF!!

lilyzneimer thank me everyone!! im the one that convinced her to go to the grand prix!!

→ oscarpiastri ✔︎ thank you lily!! (i don’t get to hear y/n’s heart breaking because of idiots)

→ user45 thank you lily!! (we all say in unison.)

user46 all it took was one miami win and one text message to convince y/n.

→ user47 booking my own miami ticket after this 👩‍💻

oscarpiastri ✔︎ okay… maybe you guys are just a bit cute

landonorris ✔︎ who’s that pretty girl and handsome man in the photos?? 🤔

→ y/n_l/n hmmm… i heard their names are y/n and lando the best couple to ever??? even though her boyfriend is a little stupid at times she still loves him 🩷

→ landonorris ✔︎ loooovveee youuuuuu

→ landonorris ✔︎ but seriously. i love you so much and i’ll never take you for granted or do any of the nasty crap you went through. you deserve the world my love ❤️

→ y/n_l/n what if i cried.

→ landonorris ✔︎ then i’ll wipe your tears.

→ oscarpiastri ✔︎ aw. (im hurling)

[gguk-n]

Rewritten Headlines (Charles Leclerc X Model!Reader)

Fake dating mixed SMAU and imagine. All the pictures are from pinterest. Random girls from Pinterest no specific person

{Reader's POV}

My manager mailed me the tickets to Monaco. I was flying in on the Sunday morning and then I was to meet some guy who was gonna be my fake boyfriend apparently. I reached Monaco around afternoon and rested in the hotel until the meeting time. She sent the guys's profile and number so that I could contact him, if I needed to. When I opened the profile, the name read Charles Leclerc. I'd heard about him; he was a driver for Ferrari and if you base your work out of Italy it's kinda hard to miss Charles or Ferrari. I got dressed and headed to the restaurant we decided to meet at. He was already waiting for me when I got there. He waved at me as soon as we saw each other. I walked towards him and raised my hand to greet him "Hi, I'm Y/N Y/L/N, your fake girlfriend." I said. He laughed then replied, "Hi, I'm Charles Leclerc, your fake boyfriend."

We sat together and talked for a while, going through the profile our teams had sent and made a few changes that we would be letting them know off. Charles was easy to be around and fun to talk to. We had dinner together and he dropped me back to my hotel. He even offered to drive me to the airport tomorrow but I denied his request since I didn't want to ruin the plan our teams had come up with.

We were supposed to date for a year till it would clear up our names. Our meeting was supposed to happen at a race, I was flying out in 2 weeks for. I would be Ferrari's guest and then Charles and I would hit it off, immediately. We would do a few public appearances and be 'caught by paps' make it believable, a few interviews and Instagram posts and then break up with a post or story. Simple as that.

y/n.y/l/n

Liked by scuderiaferrari, charles_leclerc, 1,256,976 others

y/n.y/l/n Thank you to Ferrari for having me as a guest at todays race. I had so much fun. I would love to be back for more races.

user1 You look so pretty!!😘😘 user2 guys, everyone at the gp said that Y/N and Charles were inseparable, new couple?!🥹🥹 user3 After the whole scandal and the first post back is her at a race, who ever said she was irrelevant is actually irrelevant😭😭 user4 How are you so pretty???😍😍 user5 we love you, don't listen to the haters❤️❤️ scuderiaferrari please come back soonn. You look great in red. ti amo❤️❤️

f1gossip

Liked by 1,789 others tagged y/n.y/l/n and charles_leclerc

f1gossip Rumor has it Model Y/N Y/L/N and Scuderia Ferrari's driver Charles Leclerc are romantically involved. They were spotted in various cities across Europe in between race weeks. People say Y/N was at Charles home race too. But there were no pictures so we cannot confirm.

user6 damn you tagged them🤣🤣 user7 I can confirm she was at Charles's home race. I saw her. Both of them looked so cute tbh🥹🥹 user8 I'm happy if they are happy😭😭 user2 Idk why Charles is dating that problematic abusive woman🙅‍♀️🙅‍♀️

y/n.y/l/n

Liked by charles_leclerc, arthur_leclerc and 1,279,356 others tagged charles_leclerc

y/n.y/l/n I don't think I've been this happy in a really long time. Thank you baby for loving me. Can't wait to spend all my time with you and support you in all your races!! Je t'aime, mon ange

charles_leclerc I love you too mon cherie. Can't wait to support you in all your runways either user1 my goodness, I can't breathe😭 user3 they are so cute!! the hand in his hair❤️❤️ user4 the way Charles holds her, fuck I want a man like him🥹🥹 user5 love is real it seems😪😪 bestie/user Congratulations you two!!😘😘 scuderiaferrari pretty people make prettiest couple😌😌

charles_leclerc

Liked by y/n.y/l/n, scuderiaferrari and 1,267,202 others tagged y/n.y/l/n

charles_leclerc Can't believe I get to call the prettiest girl my own!! Thank you for having me. Je t'aime cherie

y/n.y/l/n You're making me blush. I love you more Charlie. 😘😘 user6 when will it be??😭 user7 he takes the best pictures😏😏 user8 if a man don't love me like this, I don't want it😤😤 user1 I think it's time to switch social media off, couples are annoying😩 carlossainz55 Congratulations mate! So happy for you👍 scuderaferrari so pretty!! Congratulations❤️

{Reader's POV}

Going to all these places to be spotted by paparazzi or to his races meant we spent a lot of time together. It felt so nice to have someone going through a similar situation. He was so nice to me, I had so much fun just hanging out with him. He made me laugh at his stupid jokes. He got me flowers even though the dates were fake. He bought us matching watches to make it believable. Even my actual boyfriend never put this much effort.

After a race, both of us got to the hotel together. He walked me to my room; "do you wanna chill and get room service?" I asked while I unlocked my door. "sure" Charles replied with a big smile. I let him in. We sat and ordered room service and watched a movie together. I got tired mid way through the movie and ended up laying my head on his shoulder. We ended up cuddling eventually. I don't remember when I slept but I slept like a baby in Charles's arms.

After a 'date' in Milan, we were walking back to my place. I had offered him a spare room since it would be weird if he stayed at a hotel when his girlfriend had a house. We walked back holding each others hands in silence. The comfort was warm and inviting. I may have been cuddling myself to sleep in Charles's arms the whole weekend he was there but no one has to know. I didn't sleep as well alone as I did with him. So whenever we were together, he offered to be my cuddle buddy. I think I'm starting to like him; this could be bad.

When Charles won the race, he walked towards me cupping my cheeks; "can I kiss you?" he asked softly barely above a whisper. I nodded my head and then he kissed me. It wasn't in the contract, we weren't supposed to kiss but we did. It was magical and warm and sweaty. The kiss ended to quickly for my liking but the cheers were deafening. I think I'm in trouble, I think I love him.

{Reader's POV}

Our contract was up in a couple days. We haven't be seen together for a few weeks now. It's breaking me not being with him. But this was a contracted relationship to help us both. I just never felt like this with any other guy.

{Charles's POV}

Mine and Y/N's relationship was a contractual obligation. But I never realised how close we got. That kiss we shared after my race win was everything. I felt electric shock through out my body as her lips moved against mine. It was then I knew that I loved her but it probably wouldn't work out since she didn't feel the same.

f1gossip

Liked by 1,702,827 others

f1gossip Paddock's favourite couple has broken up after only 1 year. It was year ago around this time that rumours were floating that they were dating and yesterday both of them posted a story saying that they decided to break up because of work and their schedule. They said that they will continue to remain good friends.

user2 tell me this is lie😭 user3 I'm crying😭😭 user4 please get back together😤😤 user5 both of them made each other such better people🥺🥺 user6 she really deserved everything Charles gave her after her shitty ex🤧 user7 I hate life!!😓

A couple nights after the sleep over at Y/N's place with her friend; Charles showed up at her door with a big bouquet of tulips and roses. He had a huge chocolate in hand too. He was scared; his palms were sweaty and he really contemplated ringing her door bell. As if the universe was trying to get these two oblivious love birds together, Y/N opened the door with a packet of trash in her hand. "Charles" she whispered scared that he'll disappear if she said it out loud. "Hi" he greeted. "come in" she said while opening the door for him to enter. "I'll be right back" she said while walking out of the door. She disposed of the trash and came back to sit where Charles was sat in her living room. The chocolates and flowers still in hand. He stood up as soon as she entered. "For you" he said while thrusting them in her hands. She took the flowers and sniffed them, a small smile on her lips. "What are you doing here, so late?" she asked. "Ilikeyoulikealotandican'tlivewithoutyou" he blurted out. "Charlie, you're gonna have to say it slowly for me to understand" she said while placing the flowers and chocolate down to stand in front of him. He huffed out before speaking, "I think I like you. After we stopped seeing each other I couldn't imagine my life without you. I don't know when you became so important to me but I need you in my life" he said. She had tears in her eyes, she leapt forward and wrapped her arms around him; "I think I like you too Charlie, I couldn't sleep without, i couldn't eat. I knew I loved you when I was able to fall asleep in your arms. I'm so happy you feel the same" she whispered into his neck. Charles wrapped his arms around her in a tight hug. "I love you too mon cherie." he said while pulling away to look at her, "Will you be my girlfriend for real this time?" he asked looking into her eyes. "Yes" she nodded while pressing her lips against his.

f1gossip

Liked by 258,972 others

f1gossip Charles's ex Y/N was spotted at the launch of his new ice cream Lec with his brother Arthur. They were seen holding hands and kissing each other. I think it's safe to say that the paddock couple is back together.

user8 my prayers have been answered🙏 user1 I can sleep peacefully knowing that they are together again🤧 user2 Mom and Dad are back!!!😌 user3 I love that for them!! They deserve each other🥹 user4 they deserve all the happiness❤️❤️ user5 I hope they never break up😭

[1dmonthlyficroundup]

—1D Monthly Fic Roundup—

Hi, and welcome to the 1D Monthly Fic Roundup for March 2023! Below you’ll find 1D fics that were all published this month in the order they were submitted to the blog. We hope you’ll check out these new fics! If you would like to submit your own fic, please check this post on how to submit or visit our blog @1dmonthlyficroundup​. You can find all our other posts here.

Happy reading!

＊ Blow Me Like A Fan by larry_hiatus / @larry-hiatus [E, 4k, Harry/Louis]

When Harry accidentally posts a selfie to his Instagram story while wearing an old One Direction shirt, Louis decides a little roleplaying is in order.

＊ play pretend by @hellolovers13 [T, 1k, Louis/Harry]

just a bad day for him

for her

＊ Pale Pink by stretchmybones / @harryslonecurl [E, 2k, Harry/Louis]

Harry is:

a tease Louis’ babygirl wearing a pink bucket hat

＊ too into you by @disgruntledkittenface [E, 11k, Harry/Chris Pine]

“So, tell me something, Harry,” Chris says, rocking on his heels. “Why is it that you flirt with all of the other customers except for me?”

Harry laughs. And not like a sexy deep laugh or a chuckle or even a nervous giggle, which would have been embarrassing but something he could live with. No, he barks a loud, strangled laugh right in his regular’s– right in Chris’s face. Oh, God, he’s never going to live this down.

Harry works in the café of a popular used bookstore and he’s been pining after his favorite regular for years. When the seemingly impossible happens and his regular actually asks him out on a date, Harry worries that he’ll screw it up because he’s just too into him. Little does he know how well it’s going to go. The Cinema/spitgate inspired AU that no one asked for.

＊ i'll drive and you just lay back by @alwaysxlarrie [E, 10k, Louis/Harry]

It's been two months since Louis took care of Harry and gave her the best sex of her life. Now, Harry wants to return the favor. If Louis takes control and doms Harry into doing it along the way? That just means more fun for them, really.

＊ Bloodline of Queens by @enchantedlandcoffee [T, 302 words+, wip, Harry/Louis]

It has been a long standing tradition for future queen omegas to have an arranged marriage to create a strong alliance for the country. When their first child is born (nearly always an omega), the Prince Consort will become sick and pass away soon after, with the child starting to possess magical powers. It is said to be a curse on the bloodline. It is seen to be a sign of bad fortune if the first born child is an alpha. More often than not, the child will be secretly given up for adoption to a family in another country and no one ever remembers them. In our time, the queen-to-be, Harry, is hiding his secondary gender, posing as an omega to avoid being sent away. During his lessons, he learns about the history of his kingdom and his ancestors and he starts to get flashbacks to an older boy in his household who looks a lot like him. He begins to become suspicious of his predecessors and starts researching the recurring deaths and disappearances. The only way he can find out what really happened to the other alphas in his family is to search for one that is still alive.

＊ Is this for me? by yeah_alright / @uhoh-but-yeah-alright [E, 1k, Harry/Louis]

Harry's got a new hat.

＊ Mangia Tucci by yeah_alright / @uhoh-but-yeah-alright [E, 7k, Harry/Stanley Tucci]

Harry's on holiday with his friends in Italy when he finds himself at the same restaurant as an older actor he's had a crush on since he was a kid. His excitement is obvious, and he apparently makes an impression, because he ends up receiving an offer he can't refuse.

＊ Everything I need, I get from you by @lunarheslwt [M, 6k, Louis/Harry]

“I’m sorry for ruining our Valentine's Day plans :(“ Louis was shaking his head at Harry's text before he even gave the phone back. “You haven’t ruined anything, Haz. Don’t say that. We can have a day in, and it’s still going to be just as good.” Harry didn’t look convinced, as he typed in something else. “But it’s because of me. I’m sorry Lou.” Louis nudged his chin up gently. “Haz, look at me. You don’t have to be sorry, okay? Where we are or what we do does not matter to me. What matters to me is that you’re happy and okay." Louis did not give Harry time to protest, before he was adding, “Besides, who says Valentine's Day needs to be cancelled?” Harry’s eyes fixed on him curiously, cocking his head as if to ask, ‘what?’ “We can have our own version of Valentine's Day at home, hmm? A quiet day in. We watch a film, have something to eat, and cuddle?” Or, it's Valentine's day and Harry wakes up fatigued. Louis shows him that a change of plans is not a bad thing, and that the day can still be perfect as long as they spend it together. A quiet day full of love ensues.

＊ Still on that tightrope by @lunarheslwt [E, 12k, Louis/Harry]

“Let me take care of you?” “I don’t need to be taken care of,” Louis scoffed, though he still tilted his head up in efforts to get Harry closer. “Why?” Harry asked with a hum, “If this were about me, you wouldn’t let me pull this shit.” Louis’ defiance crumbled as Harry rubbed his thumb back and forth across a nipple, breath catching. “So why is it any different when it comes to you?” “Because.” Harry skimmed over his tummy and chest teasingly. “Because?” “Because,” Louis repeated, breathier, unfocused. “Let me take care of you, baby,” Harry asked again, pushing his shirt up. “Let me make you feel good. I’ve got you.”

Or, Louis has never bottomed before and carries that shame, and Harry has never had to deal with Louis keeping secrets from him before. Neither were prepared for walls to be built or arguments to knock them down, when really, all Harry wants to do is take care of Louis.

＊ Something Unholy by @ohharold [E, 2k, Harry/Louis]

When Harry goes to a Halloween part as a sexy nun, he doesn’t expect to meet an actual priest.

＊Where Like Stars by @justanothershadeofblue [G, 1k, Louis/Harry]

“Choir members”, it says, with a list below. And there, at the very bottom, he finds it: “Boys Choir soloist: Louis Tomlinson.”

[stabs-cake-with-salieris-dagger]

Read your last post from other anon, Mikelangelo doesn't ship them, wasn't aware of that, can you give me more context

Hi anon sorry it took me so long to answer! I've just been pretty busy and tired. To put out an disclaimer first, I was told these events from someone's recollection of seeing the stories Mikele posted at the time, and then I'm relaying the information here, so there's probably going to be missed details and discrepancies, but I'm doing the best I can to describe the events as concise and simple as possible. I think this is a nuanced topic and I really don't want to accidentally misinform people or start drama or anything. Probably some time from last year, Mikele posted a few stories on Instagram (If anyone doesn't know, Instagram stories are meant to disappear after 24 hrs, and if there aren't screenshots then you can't really go back and find the stories unless the person deliberately makes them available after the 24 hrs. I personally haven't seen any screenshots of the stories.) after being tagged in Mozalieri fan art expressing that because he himself isn't gay, he doesn't like them. He also said that he's a dad and emphasized him being straight that way (which I know is an absolutely wild point but I digress) and while he doesn't know Florent's orientation, he's also a dad (which I read it as he's presumed to be straight) and at least for Mikele, people need to understand that he's not gay.

The person who told me these information felt that the wording was kind of strong, and they remembered seeing Mikele reposting news of anti LGBTQ+ sentiments in Italy that were without commentary, and it just didn't come across well. At the same time we have no idea what his opinion on the queer community actually is, because there's no commentary, and I would definitely not jump to say he had bad intentions behind it. In the end me and the person came to similar conclusions that while the whole thing didn't come across well and left some questions, it's understandable that Mikele might feel uncomfortable because how closely his image is tied to Mozart, and it's not something that's like, a serious offence. The stories were also in English, and it's clearly not a language he has the best grasp on, so it might have influenced how things were conveyed as well. There's also the extra context that I was told some of the Mozalieri art also had the RPF tag of him and Florent, so I'm also kind of suspecting, and this is 100% my own personal opinion, that might have possibly influenced his feelings on Mozalieri. This part is just some of my thoughts on this event, and everyone can obviously come to their own conclusion. I was also really surprised by this information, and I'm sure most people who's going to see this post will be too, because Mikele definitely has posted some shippy(?) art and he has an aesthetic that's appealing to queer people. If someone feels soured by this, I totally get it. I think it's normal to feel disappointed to hear this and it creates a lot of complex feelings at least for me, but at the same time his discomfort is understandable, and as I've mentioned in my previous post that mentioned this event, I prefer to just leave it as is and don't mention anything Mozalieri to Mikele. I personally don't think trying to "change his mind" on it is going to do anything, if not to make it worse. I think that the way Mikele is on social media is very accessible to fans, and it's really so easy to have parasocial attachment. I'm saying that not to fault anyone because it's easy for me to attach to people too lol I just think it's really important to keep a distance. I hope this explains things well enough, and I wish the discussion of it won't go out of control or anything, which is always my fear on the internet lol

[forabeatofadrum]

Ljubim te (16/24)

Notes: Hey folks, I am back and I have some news. I have actually written almost all of the fic. Yes, I have finished chapter 16 up to 23 (🤯). I am almost at the end. I haven’t started chapter 24 yet, but all in good time, you know? The reason I hadn’t posted any of 16 - 23 yet is because I finished chapter 16 just now, so I obviously couldn’t post the others.

But now I can, so I will! A part of me considered posting it all in one go, since I am very excited to share it, but that is a bit much, so I have decided to post a new chapter every day.

Apart from that, I have also started writing a side-story from Quinn’s POV. It’s not finished yet and it’s longer than I expected, but it’s fun. Anyway, thanks for sticking around and enjoy reading.

AO3 | S&C  

–

MAINTAIN

Kurt doesn’t mean to torture himself, but he is. Why else would he be obsessed with the Instagram of one certain Quinn Fabray?

Kurt and Quinn never befriended each other on social media, because why would they? But Kurt’s befriended Blaine, and when Quinn suddenly popped up in the “Friends you might know” list, he should’ve closed the app, but he didn’t.

Blaine might not be super active on social media, but apparently Quinn is.

And unlike Blaine, she is posting about her trip.

Blaine isn’t in any photos, since they’re mostly aesthetic photos of food, buildings and landscapes, but it’s another confirmation that she is in the country.

--

Kurt needs to get out of the city.

A part of him thinks about going to London a month earlier than planned, but he’s not sure if Adam would appreciate that. It might also be questionable of Kurt to seek out his ex when he’s trying to flee from his new crush and his girlfriend. He and Adam are fine, which is why Kurt is going, but it feels wrong.

He doesn’t really have a lot of trips planned. When he first got to Ljubljana, he knew that he could travel throughout Europe, like André, but he decided that he had time to figure it out, but now it’s April and he’s halfway through his time here.

Fuck, Kurt misses his friends from home. He misses his dad. He talks to them a lot through text and he calls, but it is different. He knew he signed up for this and he knew it would only be for six months, but now he’s lonely.

He misses Blaine.

Blaine became his person in Ljubljana.

Of course he has Sunil and Tadeja. He also has people from his classes and from his play, and the International Student Organisation hosts a lot of events. Kurt’s also gone to the gay scene in Metelkova a few times and he’s met really cool people there as well.

Kurt isn’t alone, but he is lonely.

All of those people are here, and yet they can’t hold a candle to Blaine, which is pathetic.

--

The day after, Sunil and Kurt are on a train to Trieste. It’s a city in Italy, close to the border of Slovenia. Kurt’s already taken the bus to Zagreb but it’s still mindboggling that he can just take public transport into another country. This train even continues to Austria!

Kurt’s been wanting to see Trieste for a while. He had sort of planned on going here with Blaine, since he once told Blaine that he wanted to see the city, but of course, that plan fell through. Instead, Sunil is accompanying him.

When Kurt asked Sunil if he were down for a last minute trip to Italy, Sunil yelled “Fuck yeah!” and that was that.

The trip isn’t that long and the next thing Kurt knows, he’s in fucking Italy.

Kurt and Sunil try to see the biggest sights. They go to the beautiful piazza’s and cathedrals. Kurt isn’t religious and Sunil is Buddhist, but the church did go big with the aesthetics and they can appreciate that. There’s also a castle just outside of the city centre and there is a gorgeous pier, since Trieste lies at the coast.

And there’s coffee! There is a lot of good coffee.

“The owners of the coffee brand Illy are from here,” Sunil reads from his phone and Kurt thinks he might’ve found heaven. They stop by at multiple caffetteria’s, as they’re called in Italian.

Kurt’s having a great day and sure, it does sting a bit that Blaine isn’t here, because the two of them have talked about going to Trieste, but it is what it is.

--

The next day, Kurt knocks on Sunil’s door to ask if they can have breakfast in the city together.

And after classes, he texts Sunil to meet up in town to hang out at the Ljubljana river.

In the evening, he wonders if Sunil wants to grab some Boni together.

Kurt thinks he’s being such a great friend, but Sunil sets him straight.

“Look, Kurt, I’m flattered that you want to spend so much time with me, but you need to stop and think for a second,” Sunil says.

Kurt raises an eyebrow.

“We’re friends. Boni buddies and all that jazz. I like hanging out with you, but at this point I think you’re just using me to replace Blaine,” Sunil adds on.

Kurt wants to protests and tell Sunil that he is definitely wrong, but the words get stuck in his throat, because he knows that Sunil is right.

“And quite frankly, I don’t like that,” Sunil continues and Kurt feels like an ass, “I want you to hang out with me because you like me. We’re friends. I don’t want to be second best. You’re always with Blaine, sometimes even ditching me for him, and the moment he’s out of the picture, you come crawling back to me. How am I supposed to feel?”

“Sunil… I am so sorry,” Kurt says, but those words fall flat. Sunil looks really hurt. “I do like hanging out with you. I do think we’re friends and I hope to maintain that friendship even after we both go home to our own countries. But you’re right. I miss Blaine.”

“You’re forgiven,” Sunil says earnestly, “It is really crappy of Blaine to do this to you, so I get it. I just wanted to set things straight and make it clear to you.”

“Thanks. And it is crappy.”

“Won’t you see him at the game?” Sunil asks, “Maybe you can talk it out.”

“What game?”

“The rugby game,” Sunil answers.

Right. Kurt had completely forgotten about that. He, Sunil, Blaine and Quinn have tickets for a game.

“I don’t think he wants to talk,” Kurt says back, “I don’t think I should go.”

“Oh, I am definitely going,” Sunil says.

Kurt raises an eyebrow.

“Isn’t he ghosting you as well?”

Sunil nods.

“Yes, but I like rugby.”

Kurt understands what Sunil is saying, but he still thinks it’s not a good idea. Kurt also wants answers, but cornering Blaine at a public rugby game while his girlfriend is around isn’t a great idea. And he really believes that Blaine isn’t going to talk.

Blaine needs to come to Kurt. Trying to reach Blaine will only backfire.

It sucks, but it’s the truth.

“Does Tadeja like rugby?” Kurt asks.

“I don’t know. Why?”

“She should get my ticket.”

“Kurt-”

Kurt holds up his hand to silence Sunil.

“She can have my ticket. Make it a double date.”

It physically hurts to suggest that, but it’s what it is.

“… Okay.”

“Cool, I’ll e-mail it to you.”

“Right.”

“Then, I’ll just be off-”

“Woah, woah, woah!” Sunil exclaims, “What about the Boni?”

“You still want to get Boni?” Kurt asks.

Sunil looks amused.

“Of course. As I said, I needed to set things straight. You want to get Boni with me because we’re friends, and not because I am a substitute for Blaine, right?”

“Definitely!” Kurt says, and he means it. Sunil was right. Kurt did use him. But it’s a good thing Sunil called him out, because now Kurt’s aware of it and he can fully focus on just chilling with Sunil. “I’m craving Asian food.”

“Roza Slon or Bistro Suwon?”

“Let’s get fancy!”

“Suwon it is,” Sunil says, “Lead the way.”

--

End notes: Unlike Kurt, I didn’t go to Trieste. I wanted to, and I planned on it, but I had a pandemic. Italy was completely off-guard in the first half of 2020. There was a trip in February, but I didn’t go, because it was very early and I was still getting used to Slovenia. I thought it was fine because I thought I had time. Ah well.

Roza Slon is a Thai place and Bistro Suwon is a Korean restaurant. Roza Slon was actually my last Boni, unknowingly. The day after, I found out that the Boni period had ended. Bistro Suwon didn’t reopen after the first wave, so I was under the impression Covid killed it (like it killed Falafel Hiša and Grill no.12, forever in my heart). I have lamented over the closing of Bistro Suwon for years, but guess what, IT DIDN’T CLOSE! I only just found out while looking it up for this chapter. Hooray!

[dailyangelrant]

A lot

I am going to make it a goal for myself to begin journaling daily again. I need this. It helps me a lot and I don't know why I stopped consistently doing it. I think ever since I started posting on my sneakyjuicebox Instagram account, I stopped relying on this as much. But that Instagram account doesn't actually share my true emotions so I don't think it is a viable source of letting my emotions out. I am going to make it a goal for myself to write something here everyday as a habit. Even if it is not a lot or even if it is something small.

A LOT happened yesterday. I am ashamed of a lot of it but I think it is important to write it all down so I can reflect back on it. Basically, Luca has been at Lake Como in Italy with 6 women and 2 men for the past few days. I was okay with all of that at first. Something that didn't completely sit right with me is that one of the women there is a woman that he has had a sexual relationship with in the past. And I kept seeing stories and posts of them together. Almost everytime I saw something from him, she was in it. And he explained to me that that was because she was also in a relationship so he thought that she was a safe person for him to hang around? I don't totally buy that because the time that they had sex in the past, she was also in a relationship... so it seems very inconsistent to me. That is beside the point. I was upset and not in-control of my emotions. I tried to workout to get past it but that didn't work. I had plans that evening with one of my new coworkers from the KYOJIN restaurant and he was going to come over so we could drink before we went to a party event. Before he came over, I was already upset from the Luca thing and I was not responding to what he was saying on Snapchat and I was not texting him on WhatsApp. Then, my friend got here and we began drinking and only like half an hour later, I was puking all over myself and my desk. He comforted me for awhile and then he ended up leaving. That was around 8:30pm. Then I fell asleep and woke up at 4am. Luca was upset with me at that point and left me on read on snapchat. Anyway, he called me out on Snapchat and we talked for awhile. He was upset that the guy was in my bed and I wasn't speaking to him. And at a certain point he texted me saying he loved me and missed me and I apparently replied with a video of me and the guy laughing. I take some responsibility for what happened the other night. Honestly, I will take a lot of responsibility for it. But it is just so frustrating for me as well because I feel hidden. It almost felt like he wants to keep up an appearance of being a party person. He says that he cant post me on his social medias because we aren't together. I suppose that's fair but even in the past, it has always felt like he doesn't want to be seen with me by his peers. He could have posted me on his second account in the past? Also I mentioned that he hasn't officially asked me out yet. That it feels like he has one foot in the door of being in a relationship while maintaining another foot outside the door of being single and free to do as he pleases. I just dont want to be taken for a fool. And I even outlined that him posting online with all of these women, with Sebastian on his account, I guarantee his stories were screenshotted and sent around and I look stupid for having a boyfriend who goes around and parties with a bunch of women. I'm not sure. I think we have worked past it. I'm not sure how we will move forward with this but I think only time will tell.

[spotofimagines]

Rivals Last ~ Jadon Sancho

A/N: So I had this in my drafts before he signed with man united but that's fine, we move, we adapt. A third piece for the @footballffbarbiex summer challenge. Hope you enjoy it :)

Warnings: none - reader is female

Summary: You love both your brothers dearly, but being in the football world with them can make some things a little complicated.

gif by @archivesbvb - gif by @ermuellert - gif by @italynt

Being a footballer meant living in a special world. Being in a footballing family meant living in a special world too. Being the younger sister of Lucas and Theo Hernandez meant living in a really special world. But nobody told you just how crazy it would be for all three of those things to apply to you.

You truly love watching your older brothers play football. They teach you something new during every match you see; even though you play as a striker, their movements and handling of the ball always inspire you to play better. After all, it was their defensive skills that helped you become a good goal scorer growing up since they never let a tackle go unchallenged in the park and you had to find out how to manoeuvre around them. A lot easier said than done.

Currently Lucas is signed with Bayern Munich. In his time there so far, he has learnt the heritage, history, and importance of wearing the badge and defending its honour in every match they play, especially derbies. Having supported Lucas, it quickly became easy for you to support Bayern Munich too and celebrate their victories like it was your own team. You'd always managed to do it with the clubs both your brothers played for, letting the atmosphere of the fanbase carry you away.

You have just finished your second season in England with Manchester City women's team. You'd settled in nicely now, having learnt a lot of the English language and culture already. The experience was made so much easier because of the help given by your welcoming teammates and the staff that translated things into French and Spanish during your first months there.

Fans were a little disappointed during the 2019 summer transfer window when it was confirmed all three Hernandez siblings would be leaving Spain to play separately in England, Germany and Italy, joking that no one could know what might happen with you all so far away. However, to you, it made things easier, as Lucas and Theo would stop making so many awful jokes about each other's clubs, only to join forces to diss your club even more afterward. Now the only connection you have to the clubs you all play for is the want for your sibling to win with them. And it is a great feeling. A welcome change of pace.

But no new change to your life felt as good as your blossoming "relationship", situationship, whatevership, you have with Jadon Sancho.

It all started with you flirting back and forth on social media, which turned itself into countless hours of DMs no one else could see. You congratulated his goals and he congratulated your wins. All the light-hearted teasing and the warm-hearted compliments stayed in your own little bubble. The only thing peeking out was your silly inside rule that if you were going to comment on a post, it had to be emojis only, stretching to a few words if you really couldn't help yourself - but it would earn you taunts from the other for the rest of the night.

Some eagle-eyed fans noticed how you'd been liking each other's posts every time they appeared for a while now, but it just added to the fun and thrill you got from flirting with him so much.

You weren't meant to be forming a bond with Jadon. He played for your brother’s rival. He was supposed to be the enemy. Someone you should dislike with a snap of your fingers. Certainly not a boy to fall for like you have.

You couldn't help yourself. Lucas and Theo had helped you since you moved to England by being the steady rocks they always were, cheering you on from afar. Your new teammates had helped you since you moved to England by introducing fun things for you all to do together and taking you under their wings. But Jadon had helped you in a different kind of way. He gave you a new kind of comfort and reassurance when you talked. He became someone to turn to with all your interesting news and your curious problems. He told you the good places to visit around the city that he remembered from his time there and taught you English slang to make your teammates laugh. You spoke three languages to varying degrees now, and you'd managed to pick up more German vicariously through Lucas in two years faster than Jadon had done living in Germany in four years, so you'd clue him into rude German phrases you had asked Lucas about, alongside the French and Spanish swear words he used more often than English ones now when you text. 

Even though a language barrier comes up once in a while, you have both learnt behaviours from each other and crave the contact you share. Jadon was starting to drop everything to send replies to you, a change his teammates have noticed and jokingly mock him for. Little did they know the unknown girl they joke he is smitten over is the sister of their rival.

Theo is the one in your family you usually tell about the boys you go out with; boyfriends and dates have been shared with him since you were 13 and doting on your first crush. He does the same with his girlfriends; asking advice and telling you more than you need to know at times. So, when you all went home for a bit of family time around Christmas, nothing could stop him from noticing the tell-tale signs that you had something going on. He already figured out through persistence that it was another player you were getting involved with, and his insistent questioning hasn't stopped in his search for who the player is.

But you keep it hidden from Lucas, and you don't know when you'll tell him. He has been your protector since you were kids, comforting you on sad nights when no one else was there, teaching you little secrets about how to navigate through the world, he even punched a boy who teased you once at school. The idea of telling him you were chatting romantically to another player would be trouble enough, but telling him it was a Dortmund player might just end up in another schoolground incident. You hadn't wanted Theo to know for fear he'd go dishing your dirt to Lucas, but he discovered it on his own and there was nothing you could do.

Who knows what might become of this thing you have with Jadon, and lord knows your eldest brother owns a hard as nails death stare that just might do Jadon in, but for now you actually quite like having the secret. A little mystery tucked away up your sleeve.

The rush you always get when Lucas calls your phone as you're typing a text to the Englishman,  feeling as though the first words from the other end will be shouts of how he knows everything and he'll never speak to you again for keeping it a secret, fills you with dread at times. But it never is the reason he calls, and it turns out he is just making plans or has something funny to tell you. But the way your heart thumps as you go back to texting Jadon, that is part of the chase you have to admit you enjoy.

Hardcore fans online have noticed the past few months that when you do interviews in English, the odd slang term comes up during jokes - terms you hadn't used before and stem more from London boroughs than northen towns - so speculation of how you'd learnt these things easily coincided with dating rumors.

Lucas had seen the speculation online; seen fans trying to put your interactions with the Dortmund player together through both your instagram stories and comments and the tweets you both had liked about the other. Lucas had even grown suspicious of the little questions you asked him about Germany, German phrases and his lifestyle there, not knowing why you would need nor want to know those things. But Lucas doesn't believe it. He knows that you know better to mix with a Dortmund boy.

Sometimes an older brother just doesn't get it quite right…

Soon, the chance will come to really see if your connection is something you can build on. Jadon's new signing with Manchester United has been confirmed and he will be moving back to England. It is a great opportunity to get to see him more often, rather than the odd rendezvous point or clandestine trip during small breaks in the season. You'll spend more time face to face instead of over the phone. You'll get to wake up in his bed and him in yours, without needing to sneak away from hotel rooms afterwards. You'll maybe even get to go on a proper date, just the two of you, where you can flirt across the table your joined hands rest upon. Hanging out with Jadon won't be the first time you've spent time together in person. However, getting a full day with only the two of you where you won't have to pretend you hardly know who he is, and you won't have to pretend your eyes aren't meeting across the group of people you're in - it fills your stomach with knots and butterflies.

A certain pressure has fallen off you now Jadon has no growing rivalry with Lucas, but not completely. You won't be able to take back the way their teams made the other feel in the past, but the fact there won't be more of it next season comforts you a little. The biggest thing that will hold you back from going public before the new season starts will be the media, but that is an issue you can't even begin to worry about yet. You are too caught up in the excitement of being in the same town as Jadon to care. Rumours are spinning crazier than ever about you two as some of your liked tweets about his move got reposted by sports pages and fan blogs - now joking about him being your rival instead of your brother's - and yet it didn't stop you, no longer all that bothered about keeping a low profile now you both will be living away from Lucas. If he gets mad, all he will be able to do is shout down the phone, and whilst you never want that to happen, you know the time to flourish with Jadon and capitalise on the foundation you have already built is better than ever, brothers be damned.

There are big changes coming for the both of you, yet one thing will remain the same no matter the outcome of your relationship. You can't quite stop being football rivals.

[neapolitanadonna]

Axis + Allies at W Academy (Human AU)

North Italy 

Feliciano is the kid who shows up five minutes late everyday with an Frappuccino in his hand. He’s just very, very bad at time management, but he always looks well put together when he does show up. At this point, teachers have stopped assigning him detention because he’s just too good of a student to give detention to, even with his 55 tardies. He’s also the kid who will bring you food if he notices that you’re upset- he’s a firm believer that sugary drinks and carbs are good for the soul. His favorite classes are obviously the art classes- all of his electives are spent taking pottery, studio art, portfolio, painting, charcoal, and anything else the school offers. He may or may not be the art teachers favorite.

Germany 

Ludwig is the straight-a student who sits in the back of your AP World History class and carries the entire class discussion when everyone else is too afraid to raise their hands to ask a question. He’s also the person who will take the heavy load of the work in the group project, and leave the easier tasks to everyone else. Despite being straight edge, if you ask him for the homework answers, he’ll send them without hesitation. He might tell you, “Ask me if you need help. Copying won’t help you learn anything,” but he always comes in on a clutch.  Everyone wonders why he’s best friends with Feliciano, especially when the word “late” isn’t in Ludwig’s vocabulary. He does well in all his classes, but history and government classes are where he really shines. 

Japan 

Kiku is the quiet kid who’s also in your AP class who somehow has the highest grade in the class even though you’ve never heard him talk before. He gains a reputation for being cool and mysterious for a while, and a lot of people go to ask Feliciano about him, because they know Ludwig won’t talk about anybody else’s business. Turns out he isn’t really all that mysterious, he’s just shy, but also the biggest sweetheart you’ll ever meet. He does really well in literature classes, and hangs around the literature teachers more than students his actual age. Despite the fact that he keeps to himself, he’s nice to everyone he meets, and if you approach him in class first he won’t stop talking. 

Prussia 

Everyone knows Gilbert, for the better or worse. He’s the kid who just doesn’t shut up in your film study elective course. He’s always yelling, always posting to his snapchat story, always taking pictures, running around the lunchroom, and trying to make friends with the security guards. Everyone either loves Gilbert, or loves to hate him. At the end of the day, he’s really funny, some people can’t come to admit it, though. They wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. He definitely won the class clown superlative, and lives up to it completely. If you’re lucky, you might get put on his snapchat private story, and its hard not to laugh at the things he does and says. Teachers will yell at him to be quiet in their classes, but deep down they’re holding back an unprofessional laugh. He doesn’t really have any particular class he excels in, he’s a jack of all trades, master of none. 

South Italy 

Lovino was the kid who was really, really emo in middle school but glew up sophomore year and now everyone thinks his post-edgy edginess is super attractive. He has a decent amount of friends, but he isn’t super popular. He doesn’t talk back to teachers, but he’ll tell of Gilbert sometimes, and because of his mouth he gets labelled as being funny, even if he wasn’t trying to be. He’s always really well put together- he’s a dress pants every day kind of guy. Like his brother, he’ll probably show up late with a drink in his hand, but instead of one of those “foofoo girly drinks”, he’s got straight up black coffee. He does well in history and government classes like Ludwig, which created a little bit of tension between the two. But unlike Ludwig, he does well because he’s just so damn opinionated. He was asked to be on the debate team, but he turned it down. Extra-curriculars aren’t his thing. 

America 

Alfred is that guy. Everyone knows who Alfred is, but not in the same way everyone knows Gilbert. Alfred is the captain of the varsity football team, has a new girlfriend every other two months, party at my place, red solo cup kind of guy. He’s mad he didn’t get the class clown superlative, but in reality he just isn’t as funny. He’s the kid whose really nice, as long as you play a varsity sport. He doesn’t really communicate much outside of his big clique, but he’s super well known. He’s the guy who will add you on snapchat just to make a new streak, but never actually talk to you. He wins prom king in his junior and senior year. He’s just the gym class hero, likes to show off how much he can dead lift and bench press. He gets along with male history teachers too, just because they’re usually football fans. (Alfred is really, really bad in history, though.)

England 

Arthur is the class president who everyone loves to hate. He’s snotty, uptight, and won’t send you homework answers even if your life depended on it. He has an “I’m better and more successful than everyone in this place” type of energy, but deep down, he’s a huge geek. He’s friends with Lukas and Vladimir, so at first everyone just assumes that he’s super chill and laid back, then he opens his mouth and all of that goes away. Girls love to pick on him, Michelle (Seychelles) started a running joke where her and her friends will all call him Draco Malfoy when he’s around. In reality, he just doesn’t know how to socialize very well. He’s a nice guy deep down, just kinda broken and defensive, and very few can see that. He does well in every class, just beating out Ludwig as Valedictorian. 

France 

Francis is the leader of his little clique that’s full of guys who worship Lady Gaga, and girls who cuff their jeans and wear butterfly clips in their hair (if you know what I mean.) He’s very, very popular. He knows how to make people feel loved and important, and hypes everyone up in their Instagram comments. People will call him fake because he’s always just way too nice, but that’s just him. He’s the type of guy who will hit on anyone, even teachers, and he gets labelled as teachers pet for it (and he doesn’t deny it.) When him, Gilbert, and Antonio are in a class together, just get ready to know that it’ll be comedy central. He’s declared himself the sworn defender of underclassmen girls who get preyed on by upperclassmen boys. He does well in language classes, nobody knows it but he’s a little bit of a polyglot. He can speak English, French, German, Spanish, Italian, Arabic, and Creole. Take that!

Russia 

Ivan is the guy all the girls have a low key crush on, but everyone’s too afraid to talk to him because they know he comes off as intimidating, so Ivan is left thinking that nobody likes him. That is, until somebody sends him a screenshot of somebody’s snapchat story where they call him “daddy,” and his whole attitude takes a 180. It isn’t his fault he looks scary, he’s taller and bigger than everyone, and gets mistaken as a teacher sometimes. He gets the nickname “Rasputin” from Alfred because he comes off as terrifying, but a lot of girls just love him. In reality he’s just kind of shy, not very scary at all. Sometimes girls will ask to put hair ties and clips in his hair, just because, and he always flushes up when they do. He plays hockey for the school, and completely annihilates everyone on ice. He’s just cool like that. 

China 

Yao is the kid in your statistics class who zones out all the time, only coming back to reality to make a snarky comment about the teacher under his breath for you to hear. He keeps to himself and his small group of friends, which is mainly just other eastern Asian kids he’s grown up with since middle school. He’s really active in civil rights, he cares a lot about his identity as a minority in the school, and would defend it viciously if need be. He does a lot of posting, talking, and writing about human rights, which is shocking since most people just assume he’s old fashioned based off the fact that he has so many old man mannerisms (ie. complaining about back pain and how he needs an acupuncture appointment asap.) Everyone calls him the grandpa friend, which is like a mom friend except he’ll give you hard candies he got at the Chinese Market instead of being your therapist when you’re upset. He does really well in government and business classes. 

Spain

Antonio is everyone’s best friend. Unlike Francis and Gilbert, Antonio’s presence is very, very calming, and he’s often put in the position of apologizing for his friends behaviors. He’s the one who has to talk to the police if they get caught goofing around in a place they shouldn’t be, or if Gilbert was “accidentally” driving 75 mph in a 45. Teachers always love Antonio, not because he gets super high grades, he’s just so friendly. He’s the kid who invited kids sitting by themselves at lunch to sit with him, and not for his personal benefit. Even if you aren’t close with him, Antonio would always be there for you if you’re upset in school. It’s hard not to be cheered up by him. He’ll go out of his way to make anyone laugh or smile, even if he acts a little inappropriate in the process. He does really well in science classes, especially biology and environmental. 

[thepinkseat-askthemoonbunny]

Alright everybody, meet my baby girl Elisabetta Hellsing-Maxwell...or Lisa for short. She’s supposed to be around 12 in this pic and yes, her primary weapon is a spiked Hello Kitty baseball bat. (I remembered that one post with the hello kitty bat and I couldn’t resist)

Full Name: Elisabetta Dipali Alessandra Hellsing-Maxwell (Dipali from her maternal grandmother, Alessandra after Anderson.

Nickname: Lisa

Age: 12 (in the pic)

Hair color: Blonde

Eye color: Violet

Skin color: Brown

Personality: Lisa’s actually a really sweet and polite girl and always curious...she’s always getting into new things, usually things she’s not supposed to be getting into (much to her parents’ worry). She tends to be quiet and keep to herself a lot, most take this as a sign of antisocialist behavior but no, she’s just plotting. She’s a planner, she’ll think of three and five plans for things even if they’re impractical in the long run. She has a problem with keeping emotions bottled in until they just erupt, which can get quite ugly and has difficulty asking for help insisting she can handle it herself. Oftentimes she feels torn between her parents...this poor child just needs therapy, somebody please help her.

Bio: So, Lisa’s story...she’s not really supposed to be here, k? Details are covered in the fic (there are only four chapters up so far) but I’ll summarize. Basically Integra and Maxwell got drunk one night and hooked up in a bar. It was supposed to be some one time thing never to be mentioned again, because they LOATHE each other but the sex was bomb as hell so it just kept happening behind their organizations’ backs.

Until one day Integra starts to feel like shit and the doctor is all like “congrats, you’re pregnant” and of course our vampire slaying queen of the universe was like “SHIIIIIITTT! This can’t be happening right now!” but inside her head cuz she doesn’t scream in public. Maxwell finds out (she doesn’t tell him, he just finds out) and he starts freaking out like oh my god oh my god, what do I do, but then his Catholic sensibilities kick in and he goes over to the mansion like “we gotta get married, like right now.” At first Integra’s like “no sodding way” and plans to get an abortion. There is no way that they’re in any position to be parents right now, this is a terrible idea...literally the worst thing that could happen at the worst time, and what would their organizations say?

But she ultimately changed her mind after seeing how screwed both their reputations would be if this ever got out. Plus in his words “she needs an heir and she’s not getting any younger.” So they try to remain civil for the sake of the children but still can’t stand each other (but they keep having hatesex tho cuz I’m a sadist) and eventually Lisa and her twin brother are born. She’s named after both the Queen of England and the Catholic Saint Elizabeth of Hungary (but the Italian version). Since her parents hardly ever see each other, Lisa spends six months in England and six in Italy usually. Growing up, she and her brother were often kept as innocent from the affairs of Hellsing as their mother could possibly manage it, as she wanted them to have a proper childhood. Lisa often spent her time pursuing her passion, music...writing songs or playing her guitar, when school and parents don’t particularly get in the way. Ultimately, the child wanted control over her own soul and grows weary of her parents’ spiritual conflicts over them.

Relationships:

Integra Hellsing: Lisa thinks her mom’s the greatest thing since sliced bread, and she’s not wrong really. They’re very close and she tries to emulate her a lot, Integra at first didn’t think she’d be a very good parent but she turned out to be a pretty great mom and trains Lisa up to be the boss ass bitch she will one day become while running Hellsing..that is, until EJ became the new heir because Lisa’s choice of religion disqualified her. She makes sure that her kids know they can be anything she wants to be. But she also shelters her and keeps a lot of things from her because Integra wants her daughter to have what she never did, a childhood because she was forced to grow up way too fast. And mama bear WILL destroy you if you fuck up. She’s been through some shit, Lisa is her offspring, Integra is hella protective. Safest child in Britain.

Enrico Maxwell: Lisa loves her dad to bits but is kinda terrified of him because well..:he’s a total raging nutjob.. He takes an active role in their upbringing because he was a bastard, he went through hell because of it and by Jove, his kids were NOT gonna go through that shit. Maxwell tries his best, he really does but he hasn’t lost any of that diehard Catholicism since becoming a dad and he often tries to drill that into Lisa. “But Dad, why can’t I have Protestant friends?” He’s probably one of those strict religious dads who won’t let you wear skirts above knee length and who thinks rap and Instagram are “tools of Satan.” He thinks he’s protecting the kids but he’s kinda fucking them up man. But at the end of the day, he does love her with all of the shriveled remains of his black, cold heart. One bonding ritual they have is him doing her hair, Lisa has his bushier hair. Integra can throw on a suit and be ready and can’t really be bothered with it so either Maxwell or Walter end up doing it. Their relationship has simultaneously become stronger, as Lisa has become a practicing Catholic, and a bit shaky as she can tell that there’s a bit of a rift between her dad and her twin.

Enrico Hellsing-Maxwell: Lisa’s younger twin brother by six minutes, and her ride or die. She’s often protective of him as the “big sister” and can go full mama bear when it comes to him, the two of them are like two halves of a whole basically. They’re inseparable, and often get into trouble together...they’ll form a wall so you can’t get information out of either of them, Rico is one of the few people she loosens up around and he knows things about her that a lot of people don’t, even their parents.

Alucard: Alucard is like half-nanny, half-attack dog. He did NOT like the kid at first because she was a reminder that that Italian slimeball “defiled” his master, but over the years she’s kinda grown on him. They have somewhere between a Seras and Integra relationship, he knows she’ll be his master one day but she’s also still small enough that he can kinda intimidate and flex on her. But he’s hella protective of her, he wouldn’t let anything happen. Lisa refers to him as “her scary vampire brother” and when she was little, she used to mispronounce his name as Ally-card so she still calls him that sometimes (which he hates)

Anderson: He’s basically her surrogate grandparent and she calls him Granddad. He may be a scary, Catholic Paladin but he loves the kiddos...and Lisa is kind of special to him. Maxwell is his son, and because of the way he turned out, Alexander feels like he failed. With Lisa, it’s almost a reminder of what her dad could’ve been, so it’s almost like a do-over he’s determined not to waste with her. He and Integra begrudgingly tolerate each other for her sake.

Seras: Lisa’s big sister. While Alucard is the older sibling that will encourage you to get into all sorts of holy hell, Seras will reign her back a little.

Heinkel and Yumie: Maxwell often makes them babysit Lisa while he’s busy, and they get SO ANNOYED by it. But with him, not with her. Heinkel is that “cool auntie” who will buy her beer and teach you her to shoot guns, Yumie is the kinda neurotic aunt who wants to be by the rules only because she’s terrified of what Maxwell will do if they cross a line.

Walter: Her “other granddad”, she often tells him things that she doesn’t tell anybody else because he’s literally one of the few religiously neutral people in her life.

[harryforvogue]

Omg a blurb about the first time they send pics... who sends first... where are they... what ensues omg omg omg

oh mia, definitely. she sends the first one when she’s his sub and when they’re in a relationship.

the first one happens when she can’t fall asleep. it’s two am and she’s staring at her ceiling, wishing she could force her body to get tired, but nothing’s working. she’s finished up the book she’s been procrastinating with, she’s done majority of her work, and she’s made herself a cup of tea, yet nothing seems to be helping her. 

so she pulls out her phone and begins scrolling through it. nobody’s posting on instagram or snapchat. she refuses to go on twitter or she’ll find herself falling down a very deep rabbit hole that’ll have her regretting not taking melatonin. reddit? absolutely not.

she opens her clock app and checks what time it is in london. she’s got all the places he’s been traveling. there’s los angeles and italy listed under london. 

there’s a chance he could be awake, right? they’ve only begun “seeing” each other or whatever this is called, so she has every right to text him.

she pulls up imessage and texts him: are you awake?

her face lights up when two minutes later, the message is read. excitement runs through her body at an exhilarating speed and she giggles to herself. with a quick look across the room, she checks to see if her roommate it asleep. as if on cue, her roommate shifts over in her sleep, her back to her.

mia waits. she waits for what seems like forever, but it’s only five minutes. read at 2:16 am. maybe he’s just waking up and he needs time to brush his teeth or something. maybe he’s about to go on a jog like he usually does. maybe he’s getting dressed or making breakfast? her head is spinning with all these theories because there’s no way her new dominant would ignore her...right?

ten minutes pass and the smile is slowly slipping off her face. a frown forms instead as the screen goes black and she can see her reflection because the moon is shining through the open blinds. 

impatiently, she opens up the app again and writes to him: is that a yes?

again, it’s marked as read and he still doesn’t reply. 

she huffs, placing her phone down. she goes back to staring up at the ceiling. why isn’t he replying? she should send him something he absolutely has to reply to. or she could spam him with messages. send him videos of puppies on his instagram. indirectly tweet him on twitter?

her hand reaches for her phone again as she thinks of something that might grab his attention. the phone is brought back to life as she checks on her roommate once more before she shuts off the ringer. she pushes her sheets down and spreads her legs, angling the camera in a way that might capture a sexy picture.

the first picture she takes simply isn’t decent. she only wears underwear to sleep, so it’s kinda weird showing him something he’s already seen. 

the next picture she takes is her dragging the waistband of her panties down below her hip bone. it’s a sexier picture, for sure, and the lace of her panties doesn’t cover a lot. she saves it. 

the third picture she takes is of her hand dipped into her panties. he’s not here but she can hear his voice ordering her not to touch herself without his permission. she grins, knowing this one will make his head spin. 

she places her hand a little to the side in her panties, letting the lace still expose her a bit, and she spreads her legs as if to show that she’s actually touching herself. she snaps the picture and immediately sends this one and the second one to his imessage. 

pleased, she waits for a reply, snuggling back into her sheets. 

the message is read. her heart begins thundering in her chest. typing bubbles pop up and she gasps excitedly.

I’m in a meeting. 

whoops... she replies with a giggle.

My laptop is open, so every time you send me a message, it pops up.

double whoops, she’d forgotten his macbook did that. she can’t reply because he shoots her a text first. 

And I’ve got a couple people looking at my laptop. I had to close it.

and then another one.

And now my dick is fucking hard.

she holds back another giggle. go take care of it!

Apologize to me first.

she wants to roll her eyes. before or after i cum?

he takes his time before he texts back, but she can practically sense the conflicting thoughts as the typing bubbles appear and then disappear a couple times. 

Did I tell you that I just bought a new whip? Black leather. 

fuck.

You’re begging me to use it on your ass right now. Make it so you can’t sit for a week.

just wanted your attention :(

My hand is literally itching to grab your hair and throw you over my lap.

“jesus christ,” she whispers, pressing her thighs together. 

Is that enough attention for you?

she nearly whimpers. no... please come here ?

I will next weekend, and when I’m done with you, maybe then you’ll understand how serious I am about you not touching yourself without my permission.

could i please touch myself?

Cute, but no. Go to sleep Amelia.

she tries to relieve the tension between her legs, but he’s said no. she can’t disobey him if he’s said no...

she tosses her phone aside and grumbles to herself, snuggling into the blankets. whatever. she’ll deal with it when she has to.

[themostexpensiveboningknife]

2020

Failed party, money in drawer, communicate, move house, move boxes, drive in van, walk to shops, buy noodles, think it’s the end, see whole bus of soldiers in Beijing, new area, walk in darkness, think about leaving, leave, think its temporary, in taxi, post stupid photos, check and check again phone, think people with goggles on my plane are over reacting, take off my mask to eat, keep taking off to loosen, arrive back in London. Tube. Cold. Pub. Party at WeWork. Exhibition at Dulwich Gallery. Farringdon. Drugs and drinks. Brockley, South east London. DJ. Ethiopian food. Morley’s Peckham. Walking on the River. Photographer friend’s house. Canal cycle. National Gallery. Car crash, Dalston. Omar Souleyman. Corsica Studios. Meet girl, back to my friends, back to hers, sex. Morning up to mum’s best friends birthday, Covent Garden restaurant. In a van, Sunday roast. Chisenhale Gallery. arebyte Gallery. Getting worse in China, seems nice and easy and calm in England. Camberwell beers and more. Second-hand book shops, Charing Cross Road. Courtauld. Leafed through a book about a man who lived his entire 86.5 years in East London. Still talking to the same girl back in China. Both believe I’ll be back soon. Chicken wings. West London, meal. South London pub. DJing somewhere inside. Kent, see grandma. Rave, Bermondsey. Friends from Israel and Germany arrive. More drinks, more drugs. Mixing friends. Gay bar in Bethnal Green for old friend’s birthday. Acid, confused and hilarious. Tate Britain. Serpentine. Cranes on the bridge. Liverpool Street film screening. Feels shallow, but good. Begin regular E Pellici sojourns. Primrose Hill with Dad. Beer festival with Keaton and co. Peckham, school friend’s house, bad vibe. More drinks, more drugs. Working on first music compilation with Slowcook and Fafa. Begin watching all of the Studio Ghibli movies. Watching Breaking Bad. At some point have huge argument with my brother, it went like this: He came home from work and I was sitting watching Breaking Bad, he asks, “Have you been like that all day?” I either took it in the wrong way or picked up on a sly dig. It was probably me, but at this point I was pretty self-conscious and worried about going back to China and whether or not I would have a job back there. Was getting surprisingly pissed off with my brother mentioning his work, felt like an affront to me. Weird. He goes crazy (he has a short fuse), punching a wall, ready to fight me. My mum is pretty upset. A few days later I go into his room and try to patch things up. Turns into a deeper chat. He feels like I haven’t been a good brother to him, he gives the example of not looking out for him on his first days of school. I say I’m sorry, it’s because I’m a bit scared and insecure. In retrospect I regret a little laying so much weakness on the table, seems his interactions/ways of acting around me have changed a bit. Still not sure how I feel about it all. Considered getting a gold tooth with Matthew. Play with cats, enjoying them more and more. Rave in Dalston, good music from Asia and beyond. Looking at magazines. Not doing much work at all. Being out and about instead. Go to Norfolk. It’s beautiful, but get way too drunk on first night, sick everywhere, wake up naked in sick. Massive fucking shitshow. Majority of people there have no choice but to act weirdly around me now, which is understandable. Still some nice aspects. One girl there surely hates me a lot. Tate Modern. Art stuff by self is good. Corsica Studios, semi-art, semi-music event. Mr. Bao for first time of many. Radio in Tottenham. Take drugs. Pubs. Drive to Asda with brother to stock up on food. It’s March and the reality of the pandemic is hitting. More canal cycling. First and only group chat on Zoom. BH Funk. Probably have taken cocaine and messaged one of three or four girls numerous times by now. If there’s one, in the cold light of day, horrible and disgusting thing I’ve done too much this year it’s this. Incessant messaging of poor girls that I know will react (although increasingly they don’t, I manage to alienate even close friends in this way). Southbank and The Mall with Nick. Reading about Wuhan. List of good texts. Continuing to do some writing. Making WeChat posts for guī WeChat, including mix series and miniessays. Greenwich park with Matthew. Grime quiz online. Delivering food regularly for my mum’s school. Hackney Marshes with Luan. Epping Forest with Mum and Dad. By this point probably have woken up feeling sorry for myself in Ludo’s flat, after untold amounts of alcohol and cocaine. Online rave. Beijing artists only mix. Go to Switzerland, pass through Italy on the way. Its breath taking, the mountains, the expanse of scenery, not used to it. Climbing up mountains with no one around. Rolo and Patrick and Rita smoke too much weed. I really, really, really still hate smoking it. Feel a bit annoyed how long we spend sitting around while they smoke, but this is way outbalanced by the uniqueness of where we are and the beauty all around. Producing more and more, actually getting somewhere. Cooking more and more food. Reading more and more, like: Black and British, The Corrections, Real Fast Food, Bass, Mids, Tops, Zadie Smith, Olivia Lang, Graham Greene, JG Ballard, Monica Ali, Mo Yan, Jenny Zhang, John le Carre, Naked Lunch, Nabokov, Bukowski, Zora Neale Hurston, Wiley, Bitcoin, Murakami, Judith E. Butler, The Painter of Modern Life, Maupassant, Chekov, Video Art, Gravity’s Rainbow (couldn’t finish), Anaïs Nin, The Net Delusion (couldn’t finish), The Establishment and how they got away with it (couldn’t finish), Roddy Doyle, The Secret of Scent, General Intellects, Women In Love, The Intelligent Investor, Lyndon Johnson. Victoria Park more often than I can remember. To Chrissy’s house. Mile End Park. Very regularly sitting on the river in Wapping. Bring the chessboard and play Ludo sometimes, people smile and look at you differently when you’re playing chess and drinking beers versus just sitting and drinking beer. I May Destroy You. Industry. The beautiful wide expanse of Hackney Marshes. My incessant quest to reach 1000 followers in Instagram. More cycling, and I hate to say it but it really was: Here there and everywhere. Margate with my Dad to see my grandma in hospital and saw the Turner Prize exhibition. Light blue like scrubs, the sky and sun felt eternal. Swimming in dirty water. Make a DJ mix of old 2000s Road Rap. Eat cheese in Peckham. Cycle along the canal north, keep going and going through Tottenham, past Enfield keep going, it’s mad how quickly it becomes quiet fields on all sides, arrive to some kind of lake, swim and then back to the centre of town. Outside a Hawksmoor church in Shadwell ate chicken with Karim and Ludo. DJing. From my bedroom window saw a big crane in the middle of the night sitting on the canal. Begin developing the second DCCY compilation this time with BULLY magazine. Go to a house in an old school in Camberwell. Discover new secret riverside spots in East London. Finally give up my apartment in Beijing. Mile End park. Cycle further and further East to a pedestrian bridge I didn’t know existed. Get onto the beach and into the Thames water. Interview Akito. Begin writing more, after few months of wiling away the summertime. My friend Emmy gets married in Rwanda, I give him some money as a wedding gift which he tells me he used to buy his wife’s dress. Protests in HK always on TV. Get more into finances, crypto and trading, and just saving in general. Had sex with an old friend. Now meeting a girl I first knew years ago in Beijing. More secret river spots. Keaton has his baby, Noah. More times on Hackney Marshes. Barbican conservatory. Watching more films, try to watch all the films of some directors including: Jia Zhangke, Bong Joon-ho, Edward Yang, Wong Kar-wai, Apichatpong Weerasethakul. Decide to watch all of the infamous lauded series, go through Breaking Bad, The Wire and The Sopranos. Go to the seaside for a few days, camping also. Henry Wu album launch in a car park in Bermondsey. Go to visit Keaton’s baby for the first time. Good photography exhibition at Photographer’s Gallery. Go to Wallace Collection again. August. Go to Berlin. Swimming in Berlin lakes until I get an ear infection. It makes me drowsy and lethargic, but still seems to spend all my time cycling around the city. On one night cycle for hours to a rave on the outskirts of the city. Like a lot the abandoned airport in Berlin. Oh yeah, vaping. Found a dead bumble bee. Speak with Nevin about projects. Write a piece about the future of the art world for a magazine being started by Nevin’s friend in Canada. Go to Lithuania. Walk around Vilnius, get too drunk by myself. Get to the Curonian Spit and Nida, beaches and new friends. For the Nightlife Residency project. For a short while life is like on a desert island of new food, new people, new locations, quiet and new meaning. Go to the Russian border on the beach. Cycle to the road boarder and get stopped by the police. Go nude on the beach for the first time. Sauna, sand dunes and forests. DJ out for the first time in ages, this time with Nono. To Kaunus and try nice and stodgy Georgian food for the first time. Hackney Wick back for party. Meet a ginger girl online and go on a date. Wallace Collection again. Free beer and pizza. White Cube. National Gallery, Titian. On BBC Radio London with my Dad. Riverside beers. Saw a lost swan near my front door. Meet Keaton near his work, one of many times. Making more and more music, getting better. Decide I need more organisation and clarity, put everything I’ve done on a blog. More or less long since given up on my job at M Woods. But don’t really begin looking for anything new because it’s still sunny. At some point I start getting benefits money. Go to see La Haine in the cinema. Someone blocks me on WeChat because of me. Some pub somewhere. Sunday walks and breakfast with my parents. Go to an exhibition in Woolworth Road with Muzi. Realise how nice it is to run to Victoria Park along the canal. Vicky Park in general. Dinners at friends’ houses. Museum of London. Walking with Michael in some countryside near London, surprising how quickly things turn green. Break onto a pier in Wapping with Jack. Battersea Park. Tate, Bruce Nauman. Old Street Weatherspoon’s with Keaton, drugs. Central London cemetery. Chinese in Camberwell. Chinese in Aldgate. Italian in Camberwell. More and more exercise, running, weights and yoga with my brother. Sadie Coles. Nick, Central London. Gucci Mane. Hampstead Heath more because Ludo and his flatmates are nearby. Ludo’s now house more for days and nights of you guessed it. Borough Market more, with Emma. Alexandra Palace walk and famous sandwiches after. Tate Britian new lights. More time at Muzi’s. Signing up for cycle courier. LYL Radio show. Shave head. Take acid and it hurts my stomach. Camden Arts Centre with Muzi. Christmas party with friends. Birthday. Cake with Muzi, presents and Indian takeaway from family, walk in Vicky Park with Ludo and Karim plus battered sausage and chips. Christmas at home nice and warming meal. Evening to Ludo’s place with more friends. Boxing day with Matthew, pints and then more at his house in Peckham all night long. Next day is tough! Giant turkey sandwiches, turkey soup, turkey curry. Buy first NFTs. New Year’s Eve stay in at Muzi’s, one drink and a cake.

[motherofoliver]

Lost on You (Chapter 1)

(AO3)

Summary: After over a year on a roller coaster ride, Kaneki leaves prison and attempts to make amends for his mistakes.

Word Count: 2,118

*****

“Here are your things. You may exit through that door.” The guard slid Kaneki his things through a small opening in the glass and pointed towards the metal door leading to the outside world. He put on his jacket, bloodstains still on it.

That’s gonna be a bitch to dry clean.

After checking his wallet, Kaneki pushed the metal door open and walked outside to find a vintage red Mustang with a familiar face standing besides it.

“Where’s Touka?”

“I missed you too, buddy. Please try to contain your excitement at seeing me.” Hide chuckled as he came up closer and embraced the dark-haired man. It took a while for Kaneki to hug him back. He wasn’t sure when the last time he was held by anyone was. Definitely over a month. Maybe over three months. Not since T…

“You smell like shit.” Hide wrinkled his nose and stepped back while comically waving his hand.

“Yeah, prison can do that to you.” Kaneki made his way to the front seat of the car and leaned it back.

“Did they make you shower with expired chicken stock?” Hide got into the driver’s seat and turned on the ignition. Pop music blared from the radio as he reversed the car and sped onto the main street. “My place is closer than yours, we’ll stop there so you can shower and have a change of clothes.”

“Just take me home.” Kaneki sounded exhausted. He slid down his seat and placed his arm over his eyes.

“No can do. Akira wants to see you.”

Kaneki groaned. “I just got out. I can’t attend a work meeting right now.”

“Hey man, it’s the least you could do. She busted her ass to get you out.” Hide sounded playful but Kaneki knew him well enough to know there was a tinge of reproach in his voice. Akira must have pulled a lot of strings she did not want to pull. The familiar wave of guilt washed over him and his throat tightened.

“Will Touka be there?” And would she speak to me if she was?

“I don’t know, I think she’s been busy with a new client.”  Hide was tapping his fingers against the wheel with the music but Kaneki could feel his eyes glancing at him with concern. “I thought guys got buff in jail, how did you manage to get thinner?” Hide tried to cheer up the atmosphere by teasing him but his mind was already elsewhere.

“Yeah, well, prison food tastes like shit.” Kaneki replied absentmindedly. He couldn’t actually remember what prison food tasted like or if he even ate it. He couldn’t remember much of anything besides the thoughts that kept a watchful rotation in his head like a music worm you can’t hum your way out of.

“Don’t worry about that. Tonight I’ll take you out for the best meal of your life. It’ll be a mukbang of all your favorite foods. Gotta celebrate you surviving prison.”

Kaneki didn’t react. He was already humming his tune.

***

Breaking news! Our favorite hot mess, Ken Kaneki, is out of prison after only serving one month of his prison sentence! Insider sources tell us a deal was mediated with the prosecution and the actor was released on parole this morning! We contacted his agency for a statement on the release of the famous one eyed dragon but they have yet to reach out. Do you think he got off easy? Share your thoughts with us on our social media at…

Akira closed her browser tab and took a deep sigh. She could already feel a headache forming behind her eyes and she was positive it will get worse within the next few hours. She pressed her intercom button “Hairu, could you please get me some water and Paracetamol before Kaneki gets here?”

“Yes, ma’am” The reply was quick and Akira immediately heard the sound of Hairu leaving her desk to the communal office area.

How will we spin this one?

Throughout the last year, working as Kaneki’s publicist meant she has had to bend over backwards and use every trick up her sleeve to maintain a modicum of a career for him. Paying exuberant amounts of money to cover up his drug use, settlements, bribes, killing stories and videos of his repeated arrests, convincing prostitutes not to post photos of him snorting cocaine off them on their Instagram, negotiating with producers and directors to keep him on their movies even though he’s consistently 6 hours late to set and doesn’t even know his lines.

It’s just a phase; he’s going through a difficult time.

Or so she kept telling herself as he punched and kicked and snorted his way through the five stages of grief. It took less than 3 months to change his reputation from the ‘wholesome child star who made it’ into a violent drug addict who couldn’t stay sober for a five minutes morning statement of apology. His childhood portraits turned into snarky memes on social media mocking his downward spiral. Tabloids competed to come up with the most outrageous story of the day about him, and they didn’t have to work too hard to find them.

Hairu knocked at the door. Akira nodded for her to enter. She placed a sheet of pills and a water bottle on her desk then moved out. Akira interrupted her at the door “Is Touka in the office today?”

“No, ma’am. She went to Italy yesterday for the photoshoot.”

Thank God. “Thank you, Hairu.” At least that will be one less outburst to deal with today. Hairu nodded and closed the door behind her.

Kaneki would definitely make a scene if Touka was around. He has managed to botch every interaction they had ever since they broke up and Touka has been through enough last few months. There was no need to add the burden of handling Kaneki just yet.

Speak of the devil.

Akira’s phone lit up with a message from Hide: “Just dropped Kaneki off. He’s all yours.”

Akira took a deep breath and reached for the pills.

***

Kaneki felt every eye in the hall on him. He had hoped his entry would be inconspicuous but looking at his reflection in the elevator, he realized he may have overdone it a bit with the black. He looked like a modern day rendition of the grim reaper if he wanted to start a goth band. Kaneki clicked the 14th floor button, Creative Celebrity Globe.

What a dumb fucking name.

Unconsciously, Kaneki started tapping his foot. He wasn’t sure what to expect with Akira but he doubted it will be anything good. But that wasn’t the thing making him nervous.

What if Touka is in her office? I should go say hi. Right? She wouldn’t mind that. It’s only being civil.

The elevator doors opened and Kaneki instinctually went to the right, room 1407. The door was locked and the lights were out. He looked inside and Touka’s bag wasn’t on the table by the window. Music wasn’t playing on her computer. His eyes searched for the bunny calendar he got her but it wasn’t on the wall next to the desk. Kaneki felt a pit in his stomach at the thought she might have thrown it away.

“Kaneki! Glad to have you back.” Akira’s voice snapped Kaneki out of his thoughts. Akira gestured towards her office with a formal smile on her face. The dark circles around her eyes had deepened since the last time she visited him in prison. She followed him as he made his way into her office and closed the door behind them.

“I’m sure you didn’t want to come here today but we need to discuss our plan from now on.” Akira said matter-of-factly as she pulled a few folders from her drawer. “There will be a shit storm next couple of weeks so it’s best if you lay low. That means no social media, no going out, no smoking, no alcohol, no drugs, no midnight visits from attentive women, alright?”

Kaneki rolled his eyes. “Why not just tie me to a chair and be done with it?”

“Will that be necessary?” Akira’s glare was hard. Kaneki wanted to glare back but he felt too ashamed to try it.

Akira continued. “After that, I have set some volunteer activities for you to join. We’ll leak photos after you prove your presence with the other volunteers. If we feel the time is right, Hairu will start posting on your social media to begin rehabilitating your image and …”

“Isn’t it best if Touka does that?” Kaneki interrupted. “She is more familiar with my personal brand.”

Akira’s look would have been almost condescending if not for the pity. “You don’t have a personal brand left, and Touka no longer works on your team.” Akira said slowly, as if she was talking to a child. “Hairu is more than competent enough for this task.”

Kaneki’s foot started tapping aggressively but he didn’t say anything.

“If all goes right, we might be able to get you a role on a Netflix show set to start production in 6 months. I’m personal friends with the director and he would be willing to hire you as a favor for me.” Akira placed her fists beneath her chin. “That is if you get your act together.”

“What if I don’t want to do that?” Kaneki asked defiantly. He had been feeling like a puppet steered by the people around him for the last month and he wasn’t looking forward to being that puppet for the next six months.

“Don’t want what? To get your act together?” Akira’s eyebrow rose. “I’m afraid that’s implied in your parole.” She leaned back in her chair with crossed hands.

“No, I mean acting. I mean this whole life. Can’t I just retire now? I’ve done my time.” Kaneki was getting antsy in his seat. The room felt as it was getting smaller. Akira’s voice was becoming distant. His foot was basically shaking now instead of tapping. He wanted to go back to Touka’s office and look for the calendar. She wouldn’t have thrown it away.

“With whose money do you plan to do that?” Akira’s question was like a jolt of electricity.

“What do you mean whose money? Mine of course!” Kaneki’s voice rose on the last word.

“Would that be the money you spent on drugs? Or travels? Or lawyers? Or settlements?” Akira dropped one of the folders in front of him. “You still have fees and settlements worth millions to pay. You can’t afford to retire unless you’re willing to go back to jail for much longer than you were sentenced.” Akira opened the folder and pointed to a signature line. “That’s why I need you to sign here. We’re selling your apartment.”

Akira’s voice grew distant again. Kaneki’s choices for the last year fell crashing on him and his breath stopped in his chest. “I can’t do that.” He managed to croak out.

He really couldn’t. That apartment was the first thing he ever bought with his money. He bought it for himself and Touka. He decorated it with Touka. That apartment was where they spent their first night together. Even after they broke up, he didn’t let any other woman in there. That place was his and Touka’s, together. Selling it would mean letting go of that final thread holding them together.

“You have to, Kaneki.” Akira’s tone was sympathetic but firm. “You could be sued if you don’t pay some of those fees and your royalties right now won’t cut it. People are still mad at you and won’t show your movies or buy them.”

“Isn’t there any work I can do right now? I’ll do anything.” Kaneki was quietly pleading. “Can’t I take money from the trust fund?”

“No, Arima was very clear in his will that you cannot access that till you’re 30. I already asked the lawyers.” Akira felt a hitch in her throat at the mention of Arima, and looking at Kaneki, she could tell he felt the same.

Kaneki’s tone became stern “I’ll have to think about this before I sign.” He stood up. “Where are my keys?” He extended his hand.

“You won’t be staying at your place. Too many photographers.” She handed him the folder. “You’ll stay at Hide’s place till you finish the Netflix production.”

Kaneki snatched the folder from Akira’s hand and walked outside. He couldn’t hide the anger in his step. He pressed the elevator’s button as if it offended him personally. He took another look at the document inside the folder before throwing the whole thing in the trash.

[singleandlonely]

Beauty Guru! Adrien

Haha I was reading a fic and the thought of Adrien getting PR packages spiraled to this, enjoy:

Adrien was 13 when the package came. He just started modeling for Gabriel and already became a sensation

And with great fame comes great responsibility

Aka PR packages

At first he was shocked but excited

I mean cmon free stuff that was personally addressed to you with the hopes that you will like it and talk about it?

It was a collection of makeup from an indie brand based in Paris who were hoping he would give them a shout-out

Now because I decreed it so Emilie isn’t gone yet

She is the one who brought the package- giggling like a schoolgirl because she is

The fun parent ™️

He and his mother end up playing and experimenting with the makeup all night, having a blast.

They get a couple of goofy videos and pictures of them with it and post it to twitter thanking the brand for the package and they enjoyed it a lot

One of the videos was Emilie talking about the quality and how it was really good while Adrien is putting on the makeup with the cutest “cinnaroll is concentrating, tongue stick out mood activated”™️

Video goes viral, the indie brand goes viral, then more and more packages come in

Slowly Adrien grows as a makeup gradually learning more

He watches a lot of videos on hair, skin, makeup, lifestyle, and health to grow his skills

The next summer was spent at various camps learning makeup and hair

Gabriel thought this would lead to more interest in the brand and let him follow around and intern with the beauty crew

He is actually a lot more into modeling because of it, and is more interested in his health too.

Adrien asked his dietician if a few changes could be made and the next thing he knew foods to benefit his skin and hair were added in his diet

He eventually asks his parents if he could have a YouTube channel and a beauty room and his parents converted a spare room to fit his needs.

He ended up being the most subscribed YouTuber within a day and a single post- 2 million subs from his first video titled “wowie I got a YouTube + Going into more in-depth reviews on twitter covered brands”

It has Emilie and Gabriel in it. It’s the first and last video she’s in.

A week after that he disappears off of YouTube. Gabriel announced Emilies disappearance

The agrestes disappear from the media altogether until 2 months later where Adrien goes back to modeling and Gabriel announces he hates everyone and is a recluse he will be launching a new line

Adrien posts to YouTube again at a semi regular basis, reviewing and talking about things he learned and wants to learn to be a better beauty guru.

A year later and Adrien is widely remarked as the most “not troublesome, sweet, and cinnaroll of the beauty community”

Drama channels don’t touch him. He is well liked and rarely spoken of in a matter that is shady.

If it is shady. Good luck because the beauty community is ruthless and you can go from somebody to nobody in an instant

He’s 15 when he gets to DuPont and already well known for his YouTube and modeling he is shocked when a girl doesn’t know who he is

Being treated like an equal- no something lower than that- made him feel human for the first time in a while.

He falls for Mari and falls hard. And after the umbrella scene she fell too.

So instead of some wacky love square you have two cinnarolls who are pining idiots for eachother and two superhero best bros

Adrien slowly brings his friends on his channel and when he brings Marinette for the first time let me just say the internet broke

Twitter crashed, YouTube froze, and tumblr was about to commit ship-icide (tbh it’s always like that but even closer than usual)

Everyone could see the attraction between these two love struck fools and when I say this was the talk of everything the next week I mean it.

(Fun fact: it became one of the most liked non-music video videos in YT)

They showed up together in a couple more videos obviously getting closer and closer.

They started dating but decided not to say anything because they wanted to explore the relationship on their own before letting outsiders see.

Ofc the vilest of villians showed up: Lila Rossi

She schemes and lies her way into making it on Adriens second channel- a vlog channel where he films his friends and social life along with some health stuff.

She clings onto her throughout the video and he is noticeably uncomfortable.

People are P i s s e d

The video gains traction as more and more people rip this girl open- first for her sexual harassment, then for her lies (which disgust many many people due to their nature) and third-

Third of all she disrespected Marinette and the Adrienette ship!

The line has been crossed

Anyways fast forward: lila is in a correctional facility for sociopaths, in Italy

her mom is shocked but is comforted by the fact that Adrien publicly claimed her side (lilas mom does not deserve that backlash)

Him saying that she didn’t know and that it was normal- siting examples of well known sociopaths that were found out to be sociopath years later (ted Bundy comes to my mind

Moral of the story?

Adrien is literally the internet’s sweetheart: cross at your own risk

Sorry that I got lazy near the end. This is just the rundown on the AU. I might expand on it more later because I think it’s a great idea, and also extras:

His third YT is a YouTube dedicated to anime and other PR packages/product reviews that aren’t beauty related.

He has a Instagram account that is just stupid memes for people that need cheering up. The name would totally be “catdrienmemegreste”

He is all about giving back and often has giveaways, he also sponsors MrBeast a lot so he can help the homeless and needy.

He doesn’t have much need for the ad revenue from YouTube so it all goes to charities, akuma therapy, and orphanages.

He totally loves buzzfeed for all the “adrienette moments/is real here’s why” articles before they were dating. And during.

Ladybug and chat noir reveal was both of them blinking rapidly before LB says “so that’s why his eyeliner is better than mine”

[zankivich]

Neighbors: Shawn x Plus Size Reader Chapter 16

a/n: this felt good to write. It feels like a natural progression. it’s a lot of y/n and a lot of internal reflection. I hope you like that. I hope that it’s worth it in the end. I really tried to do them justice. 

Warnings: some really sad, angst smut. some internal reflection on past traumas. mentions of alcoholism. 

*y/n point of view*

“W--What?” He whispered. “Wait, what?”

“Shawn I--”

“Not right now! I just need a minute okay?!”

You listen to him to shuffle around probably in order to find a place to be alone. This definitely isn’t how you thought about telling the news. In fact you weren’t quite sure you’d ever share it with him at first. But, now he’s here offering you everything you ever wanted...at least up until twenty-four hours ago. And you can’t help but feel like it’s too late.

“Listen, I know I fucked up. I know I fucked up worse than anyone ever could but...we’re us! I can’t even imagine us not finding our way back to each other. There’s so much for us to talk about, and I have so much to make up for...Just let me come home and we can talk and--”

“There is no home anymore.” You interject.

You can hear his heart accelerating. This was usually the point where you reached for his hands to still them. He just happens to be on a different continent at the moment.

“Y/n what are you saying? Of course there is. We’re neighbors. We--We have each other’s keys.”

“I’m moving out of my apartment.” You blurted.

“You’re moving?” He gasped, voice a little shallower, a little more wet. “Honey you--you don’t need to do that. Please, don’t do that.  I know that I hurt you and I’m so unbelievably--”

“It’s not about you. Well, I guess maybe it kind of is, but not like that. Gina offered me a six month sabbatical. She’s gonna let me keep my salary, and I basically just get to travel the world I guess? Do some soul searching? I don’t know I’ve never really gone to many places besides Canada. Till I met you. This is my chance. To get a clean break, to figure out who the hell I want to be.”

You know it sounds like it’s a clean break from him, but it really isn’t. Or maybe it is. There’s far too many details for you to have it all figured out.

“That is...That’s so beautiful. I’m happy for you. It’s uh--it’s what you deserve.” He mumbled. “What does that mean then. For you and me.”

Wasn’t that the million dollar question?

“I think it means that...I’m gonna do my thing, and you’re gonna do yours.”

It sounded so much easier said than done. It sounded as if you hadn’t spent the past month crying over him, like your whole world hadn’t shattered the moment he left you.

“But I--I haven’t been able to breathe since you left.”

There’s a small part of you that finds comfort in his struggle. Not maliciously. But the break up had killed you in a way that no other moment in your life had ever quite accomplished. You felt like a little kid again, when everything that happened was the most important thing to ever happen. Shawn had made you feel like the world could be so much better than you ever thought. He had made you feel happy and special and important and sexy and everything that only you had been able to make yourself feel so long. And when he was gone, all of your training on how to do it yourself was gone. You felt shallow. Lost. Broken. Knowing that it might be possible that he felt the same way made you feel a little less crazy, if only a little.

“I wish that I could allow that to matter right now. I want that to matter but...I don’t think it’s healthy for me to put you first right now. And I don’t think it’s healthy for you to do it either.”

“But you’re...you’re my best friend. I love you so much.” He sniffled.

You closed your eyes as the tears found their way to you again. It’d been weeks and still you couldn’t control it.

“I love you too.” You sighed through the tears. “But maybe we need to learn how to do it on our own for a little while. Maybe that’s what you wanted when you left me and you just didn’t know how to say it.”

He’s silent for a long time. And you don’t know what to say so you stay silent too. It still hurts. There’s still a festering deep inside that you don’t know what to do with. And you don’t want to hate him because he means too much for that. So all you can do is hope and pray that he lets you do this, because it might be the only way to salvage your memories of him.

“Can I ask you something?” Shawn asked, voice soft and withdrawn.

You nodded as if he could see you.

“Yea.”

“Did you take your necklace off?”

It feels left field at first. You peer down at your neck where the swallow still is, and you think maybe you know what he’s getting at.

“No, I didn’t.”

He took a deep breath and let it go, voice a little lighter.

“Okay. Okay, if this is what you need then of course. I’d be a piece of shit to try and stop you. Whenever you’re ready just come find me. I’ll wait as long as you need.”

“Shawn what if--”

He interrupts you this time. “I’ll wait as long as you need, y/n. You’re all I’ve got to wait for.”

It’s final. He’s not willing to discuss it, and a part of you can’t help but want the security of hoping that he’ll still be there no matter what.

“Just don’t...don’t cancel your fucking tour idiot.” You huff. “You love music more than anything.”

“Not quite.” He admitted softly. “Not anymore.”

There’s another weighted silence between the two of them. Another round of having so many things that you want to say to someone, and there just not being enough time.

“I’m gonna go now. Congrats on the show tonight...you looked good.”

You can practically feel him smile. “You watched it?”

“I did. Good night, Shawn.”

“Good night, y/n.”

***

The first place that you fly to is coincidentally Italy. After a little research, it seemed to be a good time of year, less touristy, and you actually had some pretty good flyer miles after all the trips to see Shawn. You rent a small little place on airbnb near the water and it’s literally just you, just you and yourself and no one else. Sure, it wasn’t that different than life before your relationship, but in the aftermath of the break up it felt like a completely foreign concept. You woke up and the day was yours. There were no projects, no phone calls to be made, no marketing meetings or logistics. The most complicated part of your day was whether or not you were going to go down to the beach in a bikini or not. The answer was, abso-fucking-lutely you were.

There’s sunshine and warmth and so much fucking food everywhere. And you’re alone. And that’s okay. It needs to be.

At first it’s all about filling your day with things. You try out five different restaurants, go to three bars, and find a place to get gelato in between. All in one day. You post pictures on instagram with your tits out on full display in a bikini that was sure to make the masses upset, and you just didn’t care. You weren’t doing it for anyone, but yourself. It was your body and your happiness and you were responsible for both. At the end of the day you’d get back to the villa and pass out immediately. But, it meant you weren’t thinking, weren’t reveling, weren’t hurting. Or, so you thought.

You visit Rome, Venice, Florence, and Milan. You’re sitting on another beach somewhere with your toes in the sand and your body wet and warm on a towel when your phone starts to vibrate.

Shawn: Can we talk right now? Need to tell you something.

y/n: I suppose so.

“Hi.” He murmured softly.

And there it was. That thing in your tummy, whether it was a tightening of the muscles, or a flipping of your internal organs. It was a feeling that no one but him could ever make you feel with such ease.

“Hi.”

“You’re in Italy.” He noted. “It looks beautiful. I’ve always wanted to vacation there sometime.”

“How’d you know?”

“Oh you uh...your insta. All the pictures of the--the you know, sites and what not.”

You snorted and let your head nestle back into the comfort of your towel.

“Yes the sites. Surely this has nothing to do with the bikini pic I posted this morning.”

“Bikini, aye? No I guess I missed that one. Must be the timezones. I’m sure you look incredible though. Probably even breathtaking if I were to see it. Which, I have not yet.”

It is incredible how easy it is for the two of you. How quickly you can just fall into that comfort. He had really become your best friend more than anything, more than a lover even. When shit happened to you whether it was good or bad, you could never think of anyone else to talk to. Shawn was always your person. And that’s a hard habit to break.

“Okay big guy, why don’t you tell me what it is you need from me.”

“Right. Well I uh I’ve been writing a lot lately. And uhm, it’s been really helping me in terms of getting through the tour and trying to reestablish some of the passion that I felt like I lost.”

“Well that’s great. I’m glad you’re happy.”

“Sure, I guess. Thank you. The uh label wants to do a few releases while I’m on tour. The way music is being released in the digital spotify age now is so incredibly competitive that artists are kind of heading in the direction of having singles between albums.We can thank Ariana for that.”

You smiled softly. “I’m sure there’s a point in here somewhere.”

“Yes. It’s just that...all the songs that I’ve written are completely and totally about you and for you. And I know you’re in Italy and you might be going somewhere else soon, but I didn’t want the first time you here these lyrics to be on the radio somewhere. I wanted it to be because I shared them with you.If you’re willing. If you want to hear them.”

It’s a lot to ask, which definitely explains him wanting to call. In all of your time traveling you had yet to actually sit down and think through some of the hurt that Shawn had left you with. You hadn’t even begun to touch the whole, “is he the one thing”. The fear was that by listening to these songs it might set you back in your healing, in your ability to move on. If that was in fact what you were doing.

“I--I don’t know. Are they sad?” You mumbled.

He chuckled. “Well, If I Can’t Have You was originally a ballad with a super dramatic piano. I think I might have played it that night I called you? It was a lot sadder then. Teddy helped turn into what I’m being told is a ‘summer bop’. I’ve got both versions if you want to hear them”

“Will either of them help me understand you more?”

The real question of course being was it ever going to explain how he could be supposedly in love with her, and then drop her like a bad habit all at once.

He paused. “I’ll answer any question you have, honey. You know that.”

Yea. No thanks.

“‘M not ready.”

“Okay. Okay, that’s okay. I can be okay with that.How about I send you the files in an email and you just...just listen whenever you want. If you want. I’ll send you the release dates too.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. Well uh… I guess that’s all I had to say.”

“Goodbye Shawn.”

You tossed your phone into your beach bag and close your eyes stubbornly. You really needed to get him off your mind.

***

Your birthday finds you getting a deep tissue massage that is the most action you’ve gotten since leaving for the damn trip. It’s an insignificant birthday and you had been traveling so much that it doesn’t feel all that special in the grand scheme of things. You reply to the birthday texts. Do a facetime call with Stu so he knows you’re still alive. You get day drunk and walk through old cobble stoned streans looking at beautiful buildings and not having to say a word to anyone, because they wouldn’t even understand you if you tried. It’s lovely. Shawn doesn’t call and it’s fine. You’re fine.

There’s a beautiful restaurant that sits on the edge of a hill right where the sun melts into the earth as it sets. You feel oddly at peace as you eat, your sixth glass of wine from the day twirling in your fingers when your phone goes off.

Shawn: Hey?

y/n: Yea?

Shawn: I just wanted to say happy birthday. I planned on calling but I think you’re like 10 hours ahead of me right now and I’m stuck on vocal rest. I also didn’t really know if you’d want me to.

It soothes a broken part of you that thought that he’d forgotten. After All you’d never actually gotten to spend a birthday with him since you’d met in the fall. A part of you wants to cry a little bit, but you’re not drunk enough to be that honest with yourself.

y/n: No worries. You don’t owe me anything.

Shawn: Yea, well I never needed to owe you anything, I just always wanted to give you everything. I’m sorry we’re not spending this day together. It would’ve meant a lot to me to celebrate you.

y/n: yea. Probably would’ve been fun. We always knew how to party.

Shawn: I got you a present months ago but I can’t send it to your apartment anymore obviously, and I didn’t know what part of the world you would be in. Maybe you’ll let me give it to you someday.

He sends you a picture of this book. It’s got no words on the front, just a pretty smooth cover. It isn’t until he describes it to you that your whole world falls apart. He’d somehow managed to scrape together the recipe for every single thing you’d ever made together, or for him, and had someone make it into an actual book. It was literally a story of your relationship and your love through the thing that mattered to you most. He had left some empty pages in the hope that you would continue it together. And that just stung worse than anything.

The waiter sends you a very worried glance as you begin to sob over your pasta. But really, what else was the alternative? What other result could there have been?

Y/n: well shit Shawn. That’s really fucking sweet. I’m sobbing over my bolognese.

Shawn: I never wanted to make you cry. I’ve only ever wanted to make you happy. I love you. I know it’s not fair right now. But it’s my truth.

Y/n: I know, Shawn. I know.

Shawn: I didn’t mean to mess with you on your birthday. We can talk another time. Just have fun alright? Buy a round on me okay?

Y/n: I’ll do my best. Bye Shawn.

Shawn: Bye.

He venmos you enough to buy a round for a whole damn bar. You try not to think about how much it hurts when you find a place to take a shot. You try not to think about him at all.

***

You’re drunk. You’re in a foriegn city that is so beautiful it hurts and your body is full of alcohol. You kind of want a french fry. There’s man on the dance floor who’s been eyeing you all night and it hasn’t even occurred to you to give him the time of day. Even now, right now, if it weren’t for how good the music was you probably would’ve gone home. But instead you let him buy you a drink. And you let him take you on the dance floor. He’s good with his hips and he’s good at manipulating your body. It’s fun.

You’re wearing a dress that stops mid thigh and he tugs at the fabric as you grind to the beat. You’re not sure where the cut off is, where it goes from being dancing and fun to this level of discomfort. Perhaps it’s when your mind sends you an image of Shawn at New Year’s doing the cabbage patch for you. Perhaps it was the reminder than no one but Shawn had touched your body in months, and that you have been so fucking okay with that fact. For whatever reason you pull away from the guy and stumble home with tears of frustration, bitterness, and a little hurt in your eyes. You’re still not processing. You’re deflecting.

In your bed that night you can’t help but reach for the phone, your fingers doing things that a sober you hopefully would’ve known better about. But in the moment your fingers are tugging at this thong that Shawn had pulled off with his teeth once and when it comes to wanting and longing, he’s the only one that you can find yourself reaching for.

“Y/n? Sweetheart it’s two oclock in the morning.” Shawn groaned across the line. “What’s wrong?”

You peer over at the alarm clock on the bedside table. Wherever he is, you’re in the same time zone oddly enough. Maybe it was fate instead of a stupid ass drunken decision.

“I can’t fuck anyone else.” You mumbled.

“I’m sorry?”

“I can’t...I can’t even think about the prospect of sex without your big fucking head in the picture.”

You giggle a little to yourself fingers probing gently at your entrance. He was silent for a long while, long enough for your drunk mind to startle when he finally speaks.

“Were you...was there someone?” He asks quietly.

You roll your eyes up at the ceiling. “No. Just some guy I danced with for a song or two.I don't even remember what he looked like.”

He takes a deep breath and you wonder aimlessly what the hell you would do if he fucked someone else. How that might make you feel. You’d rather just fuck him instead.

“Well, it sounds like you’ve been drinking. Are you somewhere safe?”

“Yes. Where are you?”

“I’m in my hotel room, honey. It’s the middle of the night.”

Men. So naive.

“I miss you.” You hinted.

“I miss you too, y/n. So much.”

Your thighs clenched in agitation and you huffed up at the ceiling.

“No Shawn. I miss you. Please try to keep up here.”

It takes him a minute.

“Oh...oh. I don’t know about that. You’ve been drinking.”

“Have you ever known me to do something that I don’t want to do?” You asked him. “I’m consenting, Shawn.”

“I--I know I just...I don’t want you to ever regret us. Or anything that we’ve done. I’ve made such a mess of things, y/n. And I really, really want to be able to fix them. I love you.”

You’re not exactly in a talking mood. This isn’t about anything more than the fact that you need to get off and for whatever horrid reason, he’s the only one you can do that with. There’s still something ugly and mean in your heart. And you’ve not yet reached a place where anything positive is going to come out of this.

“Look, this is a virtual booty call. Nothing more, nothing less. Either you can do the one thing that you’ve never hurt me with, or I can go to bed a little frustrated. It’s up to you.”

It’s manipulative. You’re tapping into his incessant need to make you happy, and also into this very wounded part of himself that knew that he’d failed you, knew that he’d done something wrong. None of this is healthy. None of this is okay. But you don’t care. You just want to get off, and yea maybe you wouldn’t mind if it hurt him a little bit too.

“Okay. Okay, what do you want me to do?” He whispered.

“I want you to touch yourself.” You hum fingers dipping into your core where you’re already wet and needy. “Just like I am.”

There’s something about it being something that you’ve never done before that makes it feel not as wrong. Shawn was a little skittish about saving anything to his phone, so sexting and phone sex had never gone on the table. Tonight you’re just tapping into the ability to make each other feel something, to make each other reach heights that no one else can.

“I miss stroking you,” You admit softly.

He sighed. “Really?”

“Yea. You always get hard so quickly for me. I just have to trace my finger over that one vein and your thigh always twitches. Is it twitching now?”

His voice is a little lighter.

“Y--Yea.”

“Do you miss my mouth on you?”

“God, y/n. Of course I do. No one’s ever sucked me off like you before. You take me so good.”

You bite your lip to stifle the moans and it’s only because he’s not there to make you be loud, to tug at your lip with his thumb as he pounds you. But then you remember the reason he’s not there and it’s like starting all over again.

“Want you to touch me.” you mumbled trying to clear your mind. “What would you do?”

Shawn at first glance was the adorable puppy dog type. That surely didn’t translate to the bedroom. He had said some of the filthiest things to you with a single curl hanger over his eye and no one, not even his fans who seemed to know where he was at every waking moment, was around to witness it. Even now, with all of the distance--both physical and emotional--between you, he can still get you going immediately.

“I guess I’d just want to eat you out. I love the way that you taste. And the way you always coat my mouth with your juices. I just...fucking love pleasing you. Nothing gets me harder than when you grind against my face and make yourself cum.”

Your back arches and you groan out into your hotel room.

“God when you bump your nose against my clit, it drives me crazy. And when you suck on my thighs?”

“Fuck. Love marking you up. I miss the way you cry out for me when I make you squirt. Have you squirted since we made love last?”

You bit your lip an upset feeling hitting your stomach that you couldn’t rationalize, couldn’t understand. So you just tried to make it go away.

“No. No one makes me squirt like you.”

“Miss you.” He whined, voice breathy and desperate. “Miss the way you clench around me when I’m inside you.”

Your fingers speed up on your clit, your hips buck a little bit. He’s getting you there already and it’s wild.

“Fuck, Shawn!”

“Are you close?”

“Mhm. Are you?”

“Yea. Fuck baby I wish you were here.”

“Shut up. Not now. Just make me cum.”

Your words both turn to pants as you grunt and cry out for one another. Your orgasm builds in your toes and ripples through your entire body. It’s the first orgasm you’ve had since Amsterdam. For a moment it’s just the two of you trying to catch your breath. You’re drunker than you were an hour ago. There’s no doubt. He makes you fucking crazy.

“Y/n...What was that?” Shawn mumbled.

“I don’t know. I--I don’t know. I gotta go. Good night.”

***

There’s a bad taste in your mouth when you wake up the next day. Part of it is whatever the hell you drank the night before, which was quite frankly a little hazy. But, there’s something else there too. And you’re not even sure what it is at first. You’re naked in bed and the sun shines in through the windows so you dive under the covers to get away from it. And that’s where your phone is. That where it all sort of falls apart.

Shawn: Hey I’m sure you’re still asleep but I can’t really get this off my mind and I just needed to be honest with you.

Shawn: I can’t do that, whatever that was last night, again. Idk why but it just made me feel weird. I kinda feel like maybe you were using me or trying to get back at me? Which I guess I deserve

Shawn: I know I fucked everything up. The thing is is that I love you. I never stopped. And I don’t think I ever could. So just go figure your shit out. However long that takes, and I’ll be here waiting. But we probably shouldn’t talk for a while. I think it could help us both. I love you honey. So much. Have a great rest of your trip.

Your heart drops to your stomach as all the memories come rushing back. And it wasn’t just him being able to make you cum at all. It was his hesitance. It was the intimate sharings of your thoughts and feelings for him when your relationship was in such disarray. You told him things that night that had never come up, and he offered you the same. It wasn’t the right space, and yet you had given him an ultimatium as if him having phone sex with you would help anything.  He seemed to know you better than you knew yourself. Somehow you had hurt the both of you last night and you had nothing to show for it. If Shawn was willing to go without speaking though it meant you had truly, deeply hurt him. You had thought that might help make you feel better, but it had the opposite effect of course.

You don’t know what to say so you don’t say anything. And you can only hope that that doesn’t hurt him even more.

***

You take a ferry to Barcelona. And listen to Ed Sheeran’s Barcelona far too long. You spend a long time looking at the water and applying sunscreen and trying to remember another time in your life where you felt so out of touch. In college you had been entirely school focused, except for all the drunk shenanigans you and Stu would get up to. And then it had been the career and making yourself stable enough to never have to return home. Somewhere along the line after one too many assholes, you had stopped trying to find a relationship entirely. So you did hook ups, you did casual sex, and that was it. And that had been perfectly fine.

The problem with Shawn was that he had created a need in your heart that you weren’t prepared for. His yearning to know you in all of your complexities, to be there for you, to support you. No one had ever offered that before. And it wasn’t that you’d grown used to it necessarily, but dammit you had begun to try. It just so happened that for every wall he knocked down, there were five more already up and at attention. You weren’t perfect by any means. You were honestly probably a little fucked in the head. But you loved him. You had given in at some point. And he let you down. So, why in the entire hell should you allow him the opportunity to do it again?

There seemed to be a part of you that was jumping up and down and screaming, “I told you so!”. It hurt. It hurt so bad. You kept reliving the moment when it connected for you. When you realized that he was leaving you, he was just too much of a coward to say it out loud. You weren’t good enough. Not for Shawn. Maybe not for anyone long term. The thing that you had known all along from the beginning had come true with such startling reality. You had just been beginning to let go. You weren’t sure that you could do that again.

You stay at this beautiful bed and breakfast type place that was nestled right in the heart of the city where all of the museums and the shops were. You visit the La Boqueria, this large market that seemed to serve anything known to human. You spent an entire afternoon at one of the bars drinking and watching the locals. It was revitalizing in a way.You read books and sit in cafes and look at the architecture of everything around you. It’s all sort of beautiful and historical and vastly different than home. It’s perfect there.

It’s at one of the cafes that you meet her. You’re sitting there in a crop top and shorts reading a book when she comes over to you. She’s got a headscarf on that is this brilliant shade of red and gold. Her skin is a rich bronzed color that is elevated by a full face of makeup with a highlight that could cut stone. She’s maybe one of the most beautiful people you’d ever seen in your life. And she walks up to you of all fucking people. Needless to say you’re a little tongue lied.

“You are American no?” She asked.

“Uhhh...no. No actually I’m Canadian. We’re the nicer versions.”

She giggled. You smiled.

You hadn’t stumbled across many people who spoke english. So you welcomed anyone willing to pity you with a conversation.

“Canadian. Ah, okay. Well, Canadian girl, I cannot help but notice how sad you look. What’s wrong with you?”

You raised an eyebrow. “Well damn, is it that obvious?”

“I would say yes. Can I sit?”

She doesn’t wait for an answer before she’s already sitting across from you. In canada, you could offer someone a seat and they’d apologize before sitting down. What a culture shock.

“I’m sorry. You are one of the most beautiful humans I’ve ever seen, and I’ve apparently been to the grammys. However, I’m a little confused as to what I can do for you?”

She smiled again. “Why thank you! My friend from the UK sent me a fenty highlighter. They’re not available here yet. Does Riri not know that I need to sparkle? Anyway I’m not sure you can do anything for me. I think it may be what I can do for you. So, what can I do for you?”

“I’m...confused.”

“My grandmother grew up here. I used to spend my summers with her until I moved here entirely to take care of her. My mama, she would always say, sometimes there is a need that cannot be seen, cannot be named, but it can be felt. And when you feel it, you must give into it. It is the only way to fix the issue. I feel your need, Canadian girl. I am here to help.”

“Y/n. My name is y/n.” You snorted softly.

“Y/n, I am Priyanka. Girl you should, as the internet tells me, spill the tea.”

Oh lord.

You peered at her in caution. She didn’t scream crazy fangirl, but that certainly didn’t mean anything. She seemed to be in touch with popular culture enough to know who Shawn was. You could only imagine flying back home only to find out that you had accidentally aired all of your dirty laundry directly to the tabloids. But also, she was kind of nice. And still startlingly gorgeous. And there really couldn’t be a ton of pressure there, because you didn’t know her at all. What was the worst that she could do? Leave the table and judge you only for you to never see her again? You had gone at this trip to find some healing, to hopefully recenter yourself a little bit. How could you manage that without a little effort?

And so you tell her. Not that you were kinda sorta dating Shawn Mendes, but that you were dating a guy in the industry whose job was very demanding, as was yours. It is the first time you’ve ever laid it all out word for word, and it’s kind of exhausting to share. But, it also takes a little weight off your shoulders. She doesn’t look at you like you’re crazy after all, which makes it go down a lot smoother.

“So he loves you? But he breaks up with you...because he loves you so much?” She asked. “That is pretty dumb.”

You threw your hands up in excitement.

“Exactly! That is exactly what I said!”

“But, he has come back to you. He has apologized. He has told you that he loves you and only you, that you are the love of his life. Yet you are in Barcelona. How come?”

You felt your excitement fade away and your face scrunch up slightly.

“Well… I can’t just take him back.”

She tilted her head. “Why not?”

“Because! Because he--he hurt me. If I take him back he could hurt me again.”

“But isn’t that what love is? Taking the chance that you may end up hurt, but doing it anyway? You have to put trust in him, to believe that even though he could hurt you that he won’t.”

“Isn’t that just allowing him the opportunity to hurt me again? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me?”

She shrugged. “People always have the ability to hurt us. But if you close yourself off and never open yourself up again, how can you expect anything to change?”

“So you think I should go back to him?” You asked.

“That is not my decision to make. But what if he is this so called love of your life, and you refusing him because of an act of desperation that somewhat had good intentions hurt you? What if you’re throwing something good away?”

You had a feeling Priyanka and Shawn would have gotten along wonderfully. They were both people who viewed the cup as half full while you couldn’t ever seem to get over all the empty space. It was quite exhausting to ever try and prove them wrong either. Optimism. In this economy? Can you imagine?

“I don’t know.” You mumbled to yourself playing with the edges of your book. “I love him. Of course I love him. How could I not? I think I’m just afraid that if I let myself love him the way that he wants, the way that he deserves that...it’s gonna go wrong somewhere. I’ve never ever had it not go wrong.”

“That’s okay. That’s a real emotion. You get hurt enough times, you want to protect yourself. I’m just saying in this particular instance you might not need protecting.” She shrugged. “In fact, you know what? He might fuck up again. Men are dumb, we know this. It might all fall to crap a week from now, a year from now, three years from now. Who’s to say? But I guess the question is, is it worth it to enjoy the good times and to put a little belief in yourself and in your relationship?”

At the end of the conversation, your head hurt a little bit and your heart throbbed dully in your chest. Usually you would’ve crawled into Shawn’s arms and hid your face in his chest, the gentle hum of his heart beat lulling you into serenity. He would play with your hair and he would whisper/sing into your ear. He would tell you that he loved you, or that you were pretty, or whatever other ridiculous things came out of that man’s mouth on a daily basis. It was another one of those times where you were in pain; you were sad, and you couldn’t have the one person who knew how to make it all better. Suddenly you missed him more than ever.  And even in Barcelona, in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, you ached for home. For him.

Dammit.

***

Priyanka takes you to buy a journal. Apparently you’re friends now? Or at least she’s taking pity on you. She explained that for someone so angsty who internalized everything you should probably have a place to release or you were sure to explode. She didn’t seem to recognize that that might be mean so you just rolled with the punches. She takes you to the beach and you lay out in the sun together while she forces you to write about yourself. It is about as fun as one might imagine.

“What the fuck am I supposed to write about?” You huffed glaring at the blank page before you.

She snorted and reset her headscarf which was a gorgeous teal color today that blended perfectly into her bathing suit.

“Anything. Just make it personal. Why don’t you pick something you’ve never talked to anyone about and start there. You don’t need to be scared at all because it’s just who gets to read it.”

You were for certain Priyanka had stumbled into your life only to make it more difficult. She seemed to thrive on it actually. But, then again here you were taking life advice from a practical stranger anyway.

You decide to start with the first time you recognized that being fat was a bad thing. It was a visceral memory, one that you didn’t bring up too often, but one that had been instrumental to the woman you had grown to become. It was third grade. You had just turned eight. Your dad had been gone for three months, and your mom had started letting you help her in the kitchen after school. All of your brothers would go outside and play hockey with the kids across the street, or basketbal, or whatever other dumb game with a ball existed. You hated it. You just wanted to sit inside with your mom and make something.

You brought homemade cupcakes for your birthday. And you were so incredibly proud because you had helped make them! These were the product of your labor. But when it came time to eat and celebrate, Jenna Bartman came up to you to get her cupcake and laughed at you. Y/n you should probably give all the cupcakes away. Everyone knows you’ve eaten plenty. And all of the kids still left in the line laughed with her. You peered down at your tummy and it didn’t look like Jenna’s, didn’t look like most of the other girls in the class. You didn’t bake for an entire year after that. It didn’t mean you didn’t eat, you still snuck cookies from the jar up into your room when your brother wasn’t there to see you. But it was the first time that you had ever been told that what you were was bad, that you shouldn’t get to exist in the manner that made you most happy if it made others uncomfortable.

Fast forward to eighteen years old. Your first boyfriend in highschool. If you could even call him that. He didn’t want anyone at school to know that you were together. And he would only come over when your brothers weren’t around, which meant spending a lot of time in the garage. Not very sexy.

You had decided that you were comfortable and willing to have sex for the first time. You were going to go over to his place after school. His parents were gone and everything. The second that you got up to his room though, he closed all of the blinds and shut the lights off. C’mon babe. We don’t need to see all that. Let’s just do it already. The least enthusiastic five minutes of your life. You’d never told anyone that story before. Not stu. Not even Shawn.

And then there was your transformation in college. You excelled in your major, held the top GPA and graduated with departmental honors. You started to believe in your abilities, in this tiny vision that you created for yourself. You started dressing differently, started taking really important steps to love your body, to be kind to yourself. And it had these amazing ramifications, which was that the more you were kinder to yourself the happier that you ended up being. In college you fell in love with yourself and that’s when you started to shine. Your relationships with others became better as a result. The relationships that you had whether intimate or platonic thrived, because you were thriving. It was the happiest you had ever been and it completely altered your life. But, even in your quest to love yourself there were a lot of things you left behind just so you didn’t have to deal with them anymore.

Your hand is cramping when you set the pen off to the side. You’d scribbled pages and pages of words. At some point, Priyanka had gone off to swim leaving you there. When the words had run dry, you threw your journal to the side and joined her. If there was one thing you were grateful for, it was your ability to love yourself in spite of all things. You had grown to thrive on your own, to give yourself everything that no one else had ever bothered to give you. And it wasn’t necessarily about a need to be a relationship, or this idea that love from someone else is better than self-love. Maybe it was just that self-love doesn’t have to be the only love, and that you can love yourself enough to let others love you too. There wasn’t any weakness in that.

***

 You’re in a bar listening to Priyanka try to explain why you should order this supposed magical cocktail that cures the soul when you hear his voice. At first you don’t even recognize that it’s music, so you flick your head around thinking that he’s standing behind you. Instead it’s his new single. Even in Barcelona you can’t escape him. It doesn’t help that the entire bar immediately starts to gravitate to the song. It’s kind of a bop after all. Until you start to listen to the words anyway.

I can't write one song that's not about you

Can't drink without thinkin' about you

Is it too late to tell you that

Everything means nothing if I can't have you?

You always thought the first time Shawn might write a song for you would be this incredibly sappy, and hopefully beautiful, love song. That had been his promise afterall to write whole love songs for you. You never could have imagined that what you would get instead was a piano ballad he sang you completely hammered through a phone one night, but over some uplifting beat. It almost didn’t sound like the same song, granted you hadn’t gone back and listened to the files he sent you like he asked. It was so weird to watch people dance and have fun to a song that was about the destruction of your relationship. Watching people enjoy it just made it hurt more.

“Can we uh...Can we go to a different bar please?” You murmured in Priyanka’s ear.

She stared at you like you were crazy.

“But we just got here! And this song is incredible!”

“No Pri,forreal. Can we leave?”

She takes one look at you and seems to get it. You hope down off your seats and clear the bar as Shawn continues to tell the world what he’d just barely been able to tell you.

Even in the hurt there’s a bit of pride and you find yourself reaching for your phone. Maybe it isn’t pride at all. Maybe it’s desperation. Who knows

Y/n: I know we’re not speaking, but your new song was playing at a bar in Barcelona. Thought you’d wanna know.

You don’t expect him to answer, can’t imagine him answering after the last time you two spoke. Priyanka leads you to another bar by your hand and you swear you’re not peering down at your phone every two seconds

Shawn: Barcelona?! I’m gonna tell Andrew right now. That’s incredible.

y/n: Yes you can imagine my surprise when I heard your voice and turned around and you weren’t there. You were right though. Definitely a summer bop.

You take a couple shots of tequila that burn like jet fuel and watch Priyanka’s much smaller form get hammered very quickly before he responds again.

Shawn: I’m sorry if it surprised you in a negative way. That’s not fair.

Y/n: It did a bit at first but...It was nice to hear a familiar voice.

Shawn: I’ll try to believe that. Are you finding yourself out there?

Y/n: Something like that. Think maybe I’m just coming to terms with who I was all along, just had to do a little digging.

Shawn: Just as long as you’re happy. That’s all that matters to me.

y/n: I am.

***

You have a dream about your dad one night. It’s odd because you hadn’t dreamed of your father since you were in college. You had sort of buried him away. Maybe that’s why he was coming back now, as you unearthed all of these parts of yourself, somehow you had let him out too. It’s not a super deep dream. He’s just there with you in Toronto. He’s in your apartment that you no longer own, and he’s sitting on your couch. And you’re so angry, but in that dream like way where you don’t even understand why. You start to yell at him. Not about leaving you, not about abandoning your whole family, and the hell he inflicted. You’re yelling at him because his feet are on the table. It is the weirdest fucking thing in the world. And then you wake up.

When you wake up the sun is just beginning to peek through the clouds, the rest of the earth this beautiful purplish bruised color. You reach for your journal and head for the water and the sand. Being a Pisces really came in handy when traveling. And the waves seemed to not just pull you in, but to pull you outside of yourself. So, you sit down and you write about your dad for the first time.

When you were a child, you were the last one to give up hope on your dad. Your brothers were old enough to see his illness for what it was, or at least angry enough to not give a shit anymore. You on the other hand had loved him so much that it took such a long time for you to actually see it for what it was. Everytime he fell asleep drunk on the couch you were the one to pull his shoes off from the bar. When everyone else would yell at him for the reason they were broke, you used to sneak him your allowance from mom. You had loved your dad fully and unconditionally. So, when he left, and let for good, it had completely and utterly destroyed you. Everyone else had been right. You were wrong. He didn’t love you, at least not enough to stay or take you with him. It was the hardest thing for you to face and you were only seven goddamn years old.

And to believe that that wouldn’t have an affect on your relationships with other people in your life is so wildly naive. To walk through life having never sat down and genuinely reflected on what that pain had meant for you? How had it done any good? You were terrified of letting people in. Terrified that something was gonna happen one day, that you could give them everything in the world, and it still wouldn’t be enough. People leave. They always leave. Hell, you left. Left Ontario. Left your brothers. Left your mom. Maybe you weren’t too far off from your dad after all. And maybe, maybe that was the fear that you had never addressed before. What if one day you were the one who deserved to be left? What if?

***

*Shawn’s point of view*

It’s his birthday. The not so big, pretty irrelevant 24. But a birthday nonetheless. He’s in New York and it seems like a pretty good place to have a good time. They’ve rented a couple of party buses and planned a list of clubs to go to. He doesn’t have the heart to tell anyone he’d rather go to dinner and call it night, so he’s playing along. In truth he’s been doing so much better as the days go by and the shows are better and the fans scream longer. It’s weird to try and find love in the thing that felt responsible for his pain, to nurse himself with the very thing that had made it all go wrong. But, it was all that he had. If he didn’t have her, this was it. And he needed to remind himself that there was something good here for him. He had to.

He’s in his hotel room with Brian getting ready when there’s a knock on the door. It’s Andrew. He had neglected to join the party for the night, but made promises to do a dinner or something just the two of them. Instead he’s standing at his door holding a box.

“Awwww did you get me a present?” He snorted as Andrew set the box down on the bed.

“Not quite. You’re 24 and a millionaire, what would I get you? But the hotel delivered this to my room and it’s from Madrid, so I think it might actually be for you?”

He only knew one person who could possibly be in Madrid. He feels his spine strengthen and his heart beat ramp up and his stomach flutter. They hadn’t spoken since June. She had no reason to send him anything, not after the last conversation they had. For a while, after her virtual booty call concept, he had thought it might be the end of them. That her refusal to respond was a glaring sign that she was done with him.  That had been the absolute worst for him. But, he was a cup half full kind of guy, and had quickly convinced himself that no contact at all also meant she couldn’t tell him she was moving to Barcelona for good and she’d never see him again.

Andrew and Brian watch him as he sits on the bed. The box is taped pretty badly, and he just see her sitting there in frustration and proceeding to wrap the whole thing in tape for added measure. He missed watching her eyebrows furrow in irritation. He thought it was the cutest damn thing in the world. Surely enough, it’s addressed to Andrew, but the curliness of the letters are a hundred percent y/n’s. She must’ve looked through the travel packet he’d given her back when he thought she was going to visit him all the time.

He used a knife from the room service they got for lunch earlier and ripped impatiently at the box. The smell that hits him is like the ocean, a little salty and warm. But he can also smell lavender, and he swears if Brian and Andrew weren’t there, he would have cried. On top is a card which is really just a piece of card stock with her hand writing on it.

I would’ve baked you a cake, but I didn’t think it would travel well.

I hope this works alright. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there to celebrate.

Take a shot of tequila for me? Or 5. Don’t worry about your voice, you’ll be fine.

Have a wonderful Birthday, Shawn. Love you.

-y/n

He can’t help but laugh at it. It was so her. To wish him a happy birthday and somehow slip in permission to get hammered. Suddenly he was extremely homesick for her apple pie. And her arms wrapped around him. And her heart.

She got him an anthology on meditation and holistic medicine. It’s in English surprisingly enough, and it’s massive. But he knows he’ll read every word. There’s a new rosary necklace for him that he immediately slips on over his head to nestle alongside their swallow. There’s also just a bunch of polaroids  from all the places that she must have been visiting. He had told her one time in the most intimate moments that they used to share, after they’d made each other climax and would just lie in bed sharing secrets until sleep took them away. He told her this silly dream he had of doing photography. He loved pictures of different buildings and cultures. Her sharing her journey with him felt so deeply personal, especially because he knew what she was out there trying to find. It’s the kindest thing she could have given him.

Shawn: Andrew just delivered your package. It was incredibly sweet. You didn’t need to do that, but I’m so so glad you did. It’s the best thing I could have gotten today.

He tries not to set up any expectations that she’ll respond to him. Afterall she’s already given him so much more than he deserved. It doesn’t stop him from checking his phone every three minutes just in case he had somehow missed the vibration. And it certainly doesn't stop his heart from leaping into his throat when he’s two shots in and she responds.

Y/n: No worries. It cost me triple what I paid for the gift just to send it. I wasn’t sure if they’d actually give it to Andrew or not. Glad it worked out. Are you drunk yet?

Shawn: working on it. Where are you right now?

Y/n: I’m in a town called Cerdanya. It’s very beautiful. It’s like half Spain, half France. I’m in the France part.

Shawn: Sounds beautiful. You haven’t posted on insta in a long time.

y/n: You worried about me?

Shawn: Always.

y/n: well take a night off for me would you? It’s your bday. Go have fun.

Shawn: I’ll try. Am I ever gonna see you again?

y/n: You leos. So dramatic. I think I’m in a really good place actually. Maybe I’ll text you when we’re both back in town.

Shawn: Please do.

y/n: I will. Promise.

***

*One month later*

y/n: I’m flying back to Toronto tomorrow.

Shawn: Really? I’m actually home right now.

y/n: Yea I know. Your whereabouts are kind of google-able.

Shawn: Right. Duh. Do you need someone to pick you up from the airport?

y/n: Bryan and Stu already offered.

He felt like a teenager trying to talk to the pretty girl at school and royally fucking it up. What a fucking idiot.

Shawn: Can I take you out for coffee when you get back?

y/n: are you sure you’re not busy? With the show and everything?

Shawn: Let me take you out for coffee. I could never be too busy for that.

Y/n: Ok. I’ll text you.

He’s sitting at a table, his legs shaking up a storm. He couldn’t sit still for shit, kept looking out the window every two seconds, and had even burnt his tongue on his coffee in a desperate attempt to find something to do. This was it. This was everything he’d been waiting for. Either she was going to break his heart, or she was going to make  him the luckiest guy on earth. There were no other options.

He catches her walking up the street and his heart spasms in his chest. He can tell that she’s gotten nothing but sun these past months because she’s absolutely golden. And she’s wearing all white like she knows that it’ll drive him crazy. Of course it’ll drive him crazy. A fucking pant suit with long flowy jacket and a camisole the color of periwinkle. She looks like a goddamn goddess.

She walks in and he just stands up immediately because he doesn’t know what else to do, hasn’t seen her in so long he feels like he’s gone mad without her. And there really is no thinking when it comes to her. He wraps her up in his arms immediately. He can’t do anything but smile at her and try to re-familiarize himself with her entire being. Shit, it’s like she got more beautiful while she was away.

“Hi.” He breathed, and it felt like the first breath he’d taken since she told him she was leaving.

She smiles and his arms tighten around her. It’s like no time has passed at all, like his love had only grown in her absence.

“Hi.”

“You’ve got freckles.” He chuckled letting his fingers skim hesitantly along her nose.

She scrunches it, like she always used to. He dies a little.

“Yea. They only come out in the sun though.”

“And your hair. It got lighter. It’s so pretty.” He hummed.

She’s running her fingers up and down his back and he just wants to pull her into bed and cuddle for a day or two. Now that she’s in front of him, he can’t even believe that he let her go. Six months. And all of the time after Amsterdam. How the hell did he let her go?

They stare at each other far too long in the middle of this coffee shop, but he figures if he just keeps staring at her than she won’t have time to destroy him.

“So uh coffee?” She giggled peering up at him from underneath her lashes.

He nearly groaned. It was too much already and all she did was laugh at his awkwardness.

“Right. Right! I would’ve ordered for you but I didn’t know how long you might be. Sit, I’ll get it for you. Do you wanna share a croissant?”

“Sure. Thank you.”

He’s more nervous than he was on their first date. It’s almost as if fucking up the order, or not grabbing her a napkin, could somehow change whatever she’d come here to say. He sets her white mocha on the table for her, and puts the croissant in the middle. The moment he sits down, there’s nothing left to do or say. He just has to listen. At least he knows that he owes her that.

“I uh...I guess I don’t know where to start.” She murmured, peering down at her cup.

He nodded. “Maybe you could just start with what you were trying to find when you left? And maybe whether or not you found it.”

She takes a deep breath and her hand moves from the table to the back of her neck to her necklace. And the second he sees the swallow his heart speeds up. Relax. Listen. Breathe.

“Well, I was doing really well at work technically. But Gina could see that I was using my job as a crutch to not have to deal with my pain. And I think that’s why she sent me on the sabbatical. I guess what I didn’t realize at the time was that I’ve always done that. I don’t like to be hurt, obviously. But more than that I don’t like to be weak. So, when you hurt me I was trying to--to pretend that I could be alright with you. And I was trying to learn from my mistakes so that I could make sure you, or no one else could do it again. But I think maybe I over corrected.

“I left because...I needed to figure out, like why my defense mechanism is to cut people off immediately. Like why am I twenty-six years old with one best friend and no one else? Not that I even want a whole bunch of friends, but I’ve never even tried to hang with someone besides Stu or Bryan. Why am I so incapable of letting people in? I spent such a long part of my life learning to be kind to myself, learning to protect my mental and emotional health because of trauma and because of hurt that I never learned how to let others do it too. I never learned what it could look like to let someone love me and not resent them for it. You. You were my first time trying.”

It’s instinctual that when she puts her hand on the table he reaches for it. He needed to show her how much he cared, how much love and respect he had for her. And when she intertwines their fingers and plays with his ring, it feels like an acknowledgement of that.

“I met this woman named Priyanka in Barcelona? I ended up spending like a whole month there just because of her.” She smiled softly. “And she made me keep this journal and she had me write all the things I was always too afraid to tell anybody.”

“Like what?” He asked softly just to keep her talking. “If you want to share. you definitely don’t have to.”

“Like...Like I never dealt with the pain of my dad leaving because I didn’t want to have daddy issues. I didn’t want to let him have power over me. The way that he left, and it took me so fucking long to see that he was wrong, that to me felt like weakness. I had let him give me whatever love he wanted and all it did was hurt me in the end. So, I guess in my mind allowing someone to love you meant that they could hurt you and if you let them do that then you were weak. And I guess that just equated to love being weakness.”

It’s like the most he’s ever heard her talk. She had clearly spent so much time reflecting and unearthing the parts of herself that she’d stored away for so long. Now it was like she was pulling out all of the individual pieces and sharing them with him. When he had begged her to just let him love her, and she had tried with all of her might, never had she ever done this. It’s like he’s seeing her in all her entirety for the first time. And it’s only making him fall even more in love with her.

He’s leaning his face on his hand and he’s just staring at her, listening to her say all of these thoughts in that big ass beautiful head of hers that he’s always wanted to know. It’s the greatest gift she could ever give him, and it makes every moment she was away worth it. If only she got to be a better version of herself, got to feel more confident in who she was. And not for him, not for anyone, but for her own happiness.

“You look so happy.” He smiled at her. “It all sounds incredible, y/n. I’m so proud of you.”

“I’m really proud of myself.” She giggled again.

God she was so fucking cute.

“Hey, that night that I called you drunk--”

“Don’t even mention it. I understood where you were coming from.”

She frowned at him and it’s the first time that she’s not smiling. He literally had to restrain himself from reaching out to touch her lips. What a shit show.

“No. No you deserve an apology. I was drunk, sure, but my willingness and eagerness to inflict pain on you, that was all me Shawn. I knew you wouldn’t want to hurt me by saying no. I mean that’s so not okay. We were always open and honest with each other when it came to being intimate. I--I would never want you to pretend that what I did was okay.” She assured him. “I’m sorry, okay? I mean that.”

He nods and squeezes at her fingers again. “Okay. It was a shitty feeling. Mostly it was shitty that I felt like I deserved it, felt like even if that was all you were willing to give me than I should just take it. But I don’t like--I don't hold it against you. We were in a really shitty space. I forgive you.”

“Okay. Well thank you.”

He nodded softly. “ Have you thought at all about--I mean do you think you could ever forgive me? For what I did? For not handling things right? For messing it all up?”

“It took me such a long time. I was terrified of how in love with you I was. And I just was like waiting for the other shoe to drop for so long. I kept having to fight myself everytime you wanted me to be more open with you, and wanting to give you everything that you asked for because I loved you so much.”

“‘Loved’?” He asked hesitantly.

She sighed. “Shawn, even if I was waiting on the other shoe to drop I...never could have actually thought that you would hurt me the way that you did. That you would fly me all the way out to be with you just so that you could leave me and go on tour. That was so fucking painful for me.”

He nods and leans closer to her across the table, both of their coffees and the croissant long forgotten.

“I know. I know how stupid of me it was. I just, I think I got scared too. It was so easy to fall in love with you. It was so easy to want to spend all of my time with you. And the thought that like...that I could hurt you because of music of all things? That my being away could cause you pain? I just didn’t even know what to do. I love you so much, y/n. I need you to know that I’ve never loved anyone the way that I love you. This was new for me too.”

“Sometimes you made it seem like you had all the answers. It was like you knew exactly what we were supposed to be doing when I was just flailing..” She mumbled. “It made it hurt so much worse.”

“I was just trying not to lose you. Do you have any idea how intimidating it is to be with someone as smart and wonderful and badass as you?  You always seemed like you had the life part figured out. I thought that...that I needed to have the love part down so that I could keep you, so that I could deserve you.” He confessed. “But, honey I was just as lost as you were sometimes.”

“You were?”

“Of course!” He smiled. “I don’t know if you noticed, but I can be kind of dumb sometimes.”

She snorted. “That’s certainly one way to put it.”

She peered down at the table and he kind of figured that this was his chance, this was everything they’d been building up to. So he licked his dry lips and somehow managed to shuffle even closer across the tiny table they were squished at.

“Baby,” He whispered. “I’ve got to know... if there is even a remote possibility that we could try it again? And I promise to never do anything like that again, to communicate better, to be more vulnerable and open.”

She bit her lip and looked at him and he swore that he couldn’t breathe.

“I just wanna know how it’s gonna be different this time Shawn? When I go back to work and you’re still on tour for the rest of the year. How does this change anything?”

“It just means that we have to be better. It means you’ve got to be honest with me when you’re dealing with shit, when you need to get away from work, hell when you need to get away from me. And I have to...I have to learn to not place any of the weight of who I am on you. No more begging for forgiveness before shows. No more begging you to fly out just because I’m sad. It changes because we’re willing to change, and we’re willing to learn and grow together. Can we...Can we do that? I only want to do that with you.”

Her eyes flicked down to the table and then back up to his. She’s beautiful, so so beautiful. He just wants her.

She huffed softly at him.

“Well I love you, you idiot. So, I guess we can try this again.”

“Yea?” He beamed.

“Yea.”

He reaches across the table, trading her hand for the feel of her cheeks. They were still warm as if the sun had left a bit of itself behind. And the light dusting of freckles across her nose drove him insane. He was all in with her whether she knew it or not. She was it for him.

“Can I...Can I kiss you?”  He sighed fingers cupping her jaw.

She licked her bottom lip and set his heart ablaze.

“Yea. You can.”

“Fucking finally.”

If you’d like to buy me a ko-fi

Taglist: @kitykatnumber @lou-and-me @ourlittleshawnie @mutuallynotmutual @wanderingmendes @peacedolantwins2 @chels-nyc @@illloveyouforever1 @justbeingoceana @hayyitsfayy @claredolphinbear24  @september-lace @grittyisaho @literallyshawn @mchutchmendes @liliane106 @iloveshawnieboi @samwillllson @trappedinfairytales @abbersalp

[paradisobound]

Sail Away With Me

Summary: It was a fluke. Dan shouldn’t have ever gone with Sam to a party on a yacht. He shouldn’t have trusted her to go. But in a chance encounter, he ends up in bed with Phil Lester, a billionaire CEO of a luxury clothing company. When he thinks he’s screwed up enough, he realizes he’s in way too deep. Because Phil Lester has fallen in love with him. The catch: Dan gave Phil a fake name and all Phil has to remember Dan by is the tattoo on his hip and the necklace he left behind. 

Rating: Explicit 

Word Count: 2.7k

Warnings: Brief drug and alcohol mentions and an explicit sex scene

Pairing: Instagraminfluencer!dan and CEO!Phil 

This is a chaptered work. Updates every Monday around 1pm EST

**Masterlist | Archive of Our Own | Wattpad**

Dans POV: 

It was just after midnight on July 22nd. The stars were shining bright over the Amalfi Coast and Daniel Howell was stood at the railing of a yacht that he didn’t even know existed until two hours before. It’s rocking, a constant back and forth motion that was actually calming for his nerves. 

Maybe he was out of place being here. He kind of felt it. 

His indie brand swim trunks and last year Gucci shirt was enough to show that he didn’t quite belong in the same scene as the new Versace and Dolce and Gabanna swim suits everyone else was wearing. Even the ones that opted on just wearing the bottoms and not the tops. Dan doesn’t believe he’s seen so many naked females in his life until tonight. 

Was this normal? 

He wasn’t entirely sure. 

He had a drink in his hand that he didn’t even want and the air was kissing his skin just enough to make him feel cold. He found this ironic. How could he be chilly in July in Italy? 

Just for that thought, he takes a sip of the drink and winces at the strong taste of coconut and rum. He doesn’t even like coconut. He doesn’t even remember why he grabbed it. He just knew he needed a strong drink to make it through the night if his friend Sam was dragging him to this lavish party. 

Speaking of, Dan doesn’t even remember where Sam went. He looks around both sides of his shoulders and takes note of how he doesn’t see his redhead mate standing anywhere near him. She’s probably off making connections with other men—or women. Sam wasn’t picky but yet again, Dan wasn’t really either. 

Although, his plans tonight didn’t include fucking some random bloke on a yacht with the hope he might become his sugar daddy. As much as he would love to find a rich guy to pay his way through life, Dan is doing semi-fine with his partnerships on Instagram. Although they’re not paying nearly as much as he needs to help furnish his lavish trips.

The yacht is still slowly moving along the coast and if he looks out, he can see the lights of the houses and hotels blinding him in the distance. He lets out a long sigh, breathes back in the air, and finishes the rest of his cocktail in one gulp, wincing at the taste as it goes down. He’s no longer finished with the empty glass when another server is coming up to him, taking the glass, and giving him a new one. 

This drink is peachy colored. He takes a sip and smiles. It takes like mango and melon with a hint of something strong. He much prefers this. 

The music is still banging on the yacht and if he looks around, he can see the strobe lights of the boat bouncing every which way. Maybe if his anxiety hadn’t told him he needed fresh air, he would be downstairs with everyone else and maybe he could find Sam before she made some mistake that would surely be on a tabloid tomorrow morning. In fact, he’s sure if he looks on Twitter now, it would be a new moment saying ‘Paumpau Hotel Heiress, Samantha Pamupau seen partying on CEO Phil Lester’s Private Yacht’. 

Dan doesn’t even know what Phil Lester looks like. He knows that sounds probably unbelievable but Dan doesn’t pay attention to much news. He doesn’t follow anyone other than top celebrities on Twitter. When Sam mentioned partying on a billionaires yacht, Dan just agreed and purchased his first Gucci shirt that night—ironically the one he is wearing currently. 

He jumps just as soon as someone shouts something in Italian in the other direction and then a loud moan follows and fuck he needs a drink again. He takes a long sip and fights the cloudy feelings filling his head. 

He reaches up and twists his necklace in his fingers. He always did this when he got anxious. It was just a small chained necklace his grandma had bought for him as a child. He’s had to replace the chain over the course of a few years but he’s never parts with it. It’s a part of every outfit. 

Dan steps back from the railing long enough to head back inside the second story of the yacht. It’s not as busy up here, but he does take note of the person sitting on the couch with a bunch of other people, hunched over the table in front of them as they snort up white powder. He just looks the other way and continues on downstairs. 

Dan sees Sam in the corner with another female, both of them handsy with each other as they down the rest of there cocktails and he pretends to not notice that Sam’s hand is essentially down the bottoms of the other but he’ll just turn the other way again and walk off. 

As he turns, he slams into something and gasps as the cool liquid of his drink splashes against his chest. “Fuck,” he murmurs. This was his good Gucci shirt and now it’s covered in orange liquid. If he wasn’t slightly tipsy, he might have tried to find an unoccupied bathroom to wash it off. 

“Are you okay?” 

Dan lets out a sigh. He’s sobered up a bit now and he’s suddenly realizing how uncomfortable of a situation he’s probably just put himself into. He’s on a rich guys yacht and he just ran into someone and fucked his shirt up. Not to mention he thinks the glass just shattered on the floor—and yep, it has he confirms in his head as he looks down at the broken glass at his feet. 

Of course his luck would run this way. And he didn’t even take any photos from tonight either to post on his Instagram. Go figure. 

“I mean, my shirt is ruined,” Dan says, his words a mumble under his breath. 

“It was last years anyway,” the man says, his voice a bit high pitched. “I’m sure you can get a new one tomorrow that is from this season.” 

Dan just shrugged. 

“Do you want help getting cleaned up?” He continued, lending out his hand. “I have a private bathroom this way that you can wash up in. Get the smell of the Peach Bellini from your shirt.” 

Oh. It was a Peach Bellini…oops. 

So much for the mango and melon he thought he tasted earlier. 

“It’s not a problem,” Dan says. “I don’t need to clean it off. It actually looks a bit cooler this way.” 

The man lets out a snort and reaches up, running his hand through his hair. 

“Such a shame,” the male continues. “My plan didn’t work to get you half-naked.” 

Dan looks up from where his hands are trying to smooth out the wet patch on his shirt. He cocks an eyebrow up and looks the man up and down. Sharp pants, fully ironed Versace top, clearly this seasons. Glasses sit prettily on his face that’s a sculpture of sharp, jutted cheekbones. 

“Why? Is that something you’d want?” Dan asks, deciding to play along. 

The male was beautiful, actually quite breathtaking. He knows he said earlier that he wouldn’t want to sleep with a random bloke but maybe plans change. And maybe, just maybe, he wouldn’t mind crawling into bed with this random bloke. 

“Is it something you’d want?” The man asks, reaching out his hand again and touching Dan’s arm with the lightest touch. 

“Depends.” 

“On what?” 

“Where do we go?” Dan asks, biting his lip with a smirk playing on his lips. 

“Follow me.” 

Dan follows the man down a small path until they reach a set of doors and Dan swears he doesn’t believe he’s still on a moving boat and he’s not in some penthouse somewhere in London. The male pushes the door open and he’s being lead into a bedroom with beautiful decor and a round bed in the center, covered in pillows and various other decorations. 

But it was nearly pitch black. All that he could see or make out was from the light of the windows from the yacht and the moon in the sky hanging over them. When he looks up at the male, all he can see is the reflection of himself and the blue eyes staring back at him. 

The man turns Dan and suddenly he’s on the bed on his back and his shirt is being removed and tossed to the floor as their lips connect quickly. It feels real, it feels right. He feels the fire burning under his skin and the itch crawling up his spine. 

As the man lowers his shorts and leaves him fully naked, he touches a spot on Dan’s hip and Dan hears him speak softly. “This is the prettiest little tattoo although your skin is much too pretty to be marked up forever.” 

Dan forgets about his tattoo most of the time. If he’s being honest, he regrets getting it in a lot of ways. But when he was 18 and a few drinks in, he thought getting a tattoo of a delicate rose on his hip was a great idea. 

“I was young.” 

“How young?” 

“Eighteen.” Dan answers, letting his words get lost against the other males. 

“And how old are you now?” 

“Twenty five.” 

“Still young.” 

Dan just chuckled against his lips and connected them again as they got more and more heated. 

Maybe in hindsight, this was never Dan’s best decision. He should know better than sleeping with a random man at a party. But when a man this attractive begins to swoop in and steal him over, he can’t help but be ready to spread his legs and let the man do what he wants to. 

So that’s what he does. 

He moans louder than he should. His breaths get caught in his throat and the male is just so good at this. Good at sex. The way he moves, the way he touches. Dan has never felt so good in his life and he begins to feel a bit addicted to the feeling. He presses all of Dan’s buttons in the best way possible. He’s relentless, his thrusts not stopping in rhythm. 

When he climaxes, his whole body feels it. His back arches and his arms go rigid as they grip at the sheets. His mouth opens in a silent moan as it’s caught by the mans expert mouth. When it’s over, the man fucks him a bit longer before pulling out and finishing across Dan’s stomach. 

It’s dirty. It’s raw. When it’s over, Dan doesn’t feel as great as he did when it began. Guilt and shame begins to eat away at him at how easy he was to fall into bed with this random stranger who he will never see again. 

The man kisses him for a little bit longer than Dan would like but he can’t deny that the sparks aren’t still there. It’s like fireworks are constantly going off above his head and he’s feeling the electricity in his veins. 

But then when it’s over, it’s over. And Dan collects his soiled shirt and swim trunks and leaves the bedroom as the man begins to put his own clothes back on. He’ll probably bring another person into the room after Dan leaves and for some reason, that thought leaves Dan feeling a pit of vulnerability in his core. 

Just as he’s about to open the door, the man stops him. “What’s your name? I didn’t get it.” 

Without even thinking, Dan looks at the man and says. “Ethan.” 

Then he opens the door and walks out. Ignoring the pang in his chest that told him it was a mistake giving the man a fake name. 

The yacht is docked when he gets out and he manages to find Samantha outside against a railing with another handsy female. He wrenches her away from the girl with an apology and she shoots the girl an apologetic glance as they leave off the yacht and make their way past all of the people staring and getting photos of the party that was still in full bloom. 

When they’re safely away from the water and about to get into a cab to head to one of Sam’s many family homes, Sam asks him, “What made you leave so fast? Something happen.” 

Dan shrugged and crossed his arms over his chest. His shirt was no longer wet but it was definitely stained and it definitely reeked of bad alcohol now. 

“I saw you go to bed with Phil Lester.” Sam said, hitting his arm. “Were you not going to tell me this?” 

“I didn’t go into bed with Phil Lester,” Dan counters. “I don’t even know who he is.” 

Sam turned to him, her eyes comically wide. “You’re yanking my leg.” 

“I’m not yanking anything!” 

Sam suddenly pulled out her cell phone and unlocked it to do a quick google search of ‘Phil Lester’ and as soon as his photo popped up, Dan’s mouth fell open and he felt like he was going to cry. “Fuck, Sam! I had sex with Phil Lester!” 

“You guys fucked?” Sam asked, her vulgarity coming out through her disbelief. “How was he? Was he hung? Was he lame? All the rich guys are normally rigid as fuck.” 

“He was bloody amazing,” Dan said. “But that’s not the point. I fucked up Sam.” 

“How?” Sam asked. “How could you possibly have fucked this up? You took fucking Phil Lester to bed.” 

The taxi pulls up and Sam opens the door to get in but Dan’s words stop her in her tracks. 

“I gave him a fake name.” 

Sam turns her head, her mouth agape. “You’re a fucking idiot!” 

“I didn’t know!” Dan cried. “I didn’t know that’s who he was!” 

She slapped his arm and he let out a soft ow as he rubbed where she just hit. “I still don’t understand how you’ve never seen Phil Lester.” 

“Because I never paid any attention to him, Sam.” Dan moaned out. “He was never on my list of people to research. He makes clothing that’s too expensive for me to even touch.” 

“So even when I told you yesterday we were going to a party on his yacht, you never once googled who he was?” Sam asked, her voice a bit incredulous. 

“Being honest, no,” Dan said. “I just… fuck.” 

Sam nodded. “I can’t believe you fucked this up.” 

Just then, the taxi pulls up. But it’s not really a taxi, it’s a small black cab that Dan knows Sam’s family paid for. The driver gets out and opens the door for them and they get into the back. He reaches up and rubs over his face, down his neck, reaching for his necklace to twist but suddenly, he feels nothing. 

“Oh my god, Sam!” Dan cried, sitting up, running his hands all over his chest. “My necklace is gone!” 

“Your necklace?” She clarified, looking up from her phone long enough to make eye-contact with him. “The one your grandmother gave you?” 

Dan nodded, feeling tears spring to his eyes. This night couldn’t have gone any worse and now he’s about to start crying over the damn necklace that was supposed to be around his neck. Fuck, it must have fallen off somewhere. 

“Yeah!” Dan said. “I don’t have it on.” 

“Did you take it off somewhere?” 

Dan shook his head and the car sped off down the narrow road towards the cliffs. “No,” He whimpered. “I don’t know what happened to it.” 

“Did you lose it in his bed?” 

Dan leaned his head back against the seat and let out a loud groan because fuck he probably did. It’s probably laying in the middle of Phil’s sheets right now and he’s looking like a fool because of it. 

“If you want to try and find it, we can turn back and head back to the party?” 

Dan shook his head. “Phil’s probably fucking someone on it right now.” 

He knew his words sounded bitter after everything that happened but he felt like he had to be bitter for a moment. It felt like the natural reaction to how his night has went. 

“Hey, don’t get like that, hun.” Sam says, putting her phone into her Louis Vuitton fanny pack and comforting him. “I’ll get someone to contact Phil tomorrow and ask for the necklace. It’s not big deal.” 

Dan nods and closes his eyes. 

It’s not a big deal. He repeats in his head. It’s not a big deal. 

[swinterr]

Valerie I

It all started last week, when Shawn dropped the teaser normally Valerie is a very supportive girlfriend but not on this one. He was filming his music video, Valerie is spending time with her family. Finally, the day when the music video drops, Valerie didn’t watched it even the teaser.

Social Media is Social Media some people can call it their safe place but she doesn’t for her, Social Media is a platform where you see what you don’t want to see. For her, Social Media is toxic everywhere you go it reeks negativity well some may had some positive energy with their post but not all, not all. She saw some pictures that she didn’t want to see.

Valerie remembers the day when Shawn told her that he and Camila are collaborating again, His eyes has this twinkling effect that only happened when he’s happy, well he is happy very happy indeed. Valerie congratulated Shawn on his new music video on how the editing looks so good even though she didn’t watched it how Shawn and Camila looked good together, everything she complemented. Days passed Shawn is back touring and Valerie is back at Massachusetts collecting some of her things on her dorm to take home.

Shawn is very busy touring, he enjoys singing, playing guitar, hanging out with his best friends Brian and Connor. Valerie is back home in Toronto with her family. She enjoys reading books, playing archery on their yard and boxing.

Finally it happened while Valerie is getting ready for their like family-reunion-party-for-4th-of-July a picture went viral on the internet.

Valerie is out with her family when she saw the pictures but on particular picture caught her eye, she is sitting on the couch next to her sister Viviane and his husband Seth. Vernon, his brother along with his wife Jess, Vernon talking about his son Milo and Laslo (who are playing with the table designs) with their cousin Andre and Viviane is holding is baby boy named Cupid. The Valentin’s are hosting a party in their hotel in Toronto. She is scrolling down her feed in Instagram, of course being a supportive girlfriend she follows #shawnmendes

Shawn and Camila are kissing, Valerie isn’t really the type of person who will just point out something wrong, she always gathers her information before speaking. Sometimes she will answer your question with a hum as, she hums she thinks about her words she will put in the sentences, she always makes sure she will use it in a good way she also try not to offend someone.

She has enough information with all the pictures she’s been tag in the video and clips of them, she had enough. She puts her phone down the marble table.

“Viv.” She spoked softly. Valerie has a sweet, soft, light and airy voice even if she’s mad or sad she never raises her voice.

Viviane noticed something in her voice she may have a soft voice but she sounds so fragile right now. “Yes Val, something wrong?”

Vernon and Andre stopped talking, all their attention is on Valerie. Even the kids.

Valerie looks so fragile her tired watery eyes glancing up at her sister as she tugs at her sleeves on her off shoulder long sleeved Dolce & Gabanna cotton blend dress, fighting back the tears, she tries to blink faster hoping it will dry but heavy tears started flowing down her rosy cheeks.

“Can I skip the party, I think my febrile response is kicking in again.”

Andre glances at Valerie’s phone. “Oh no.” he gasped. Valerie quickly took her phone back to her clutch.

“Please, I need some time alone.” Valerie didn’t wait for their answer as she walks towards her parent explaining her febrile response which literally just mean fever.

Little does she knows the group of five started talking about the said issue.

She also didn’t wait for her parents response she walked straight to the front door, not minding the paparazzi taking a picture of her crying. Her chauffeur is holding the car door for her.

She got into the car she closes her eyes, taking deep breaths in an effort to stop never ending flow of tears. She didn’t even wait to be home, she needs to talk to Shawn ASAP. She opened her Marc Jacob clutch and took her phone out.

“Hello?” Valerie’s hoarse voice spoke through the phone, she has been crying since the pictures had come out. Nonstop tears keeps on spilling in her $2,600 worth of dress she wore.

She keeps on calling him but no answer, Shawn wasted their 3 years together and she’s not gonna waste more again no answer so she just decided to text him a message.

To: my canada 💞

Hey shawn are you there? I’ve been calling you the last 15 minutes? Are you good? i’m not gonna kept this message long. What happened to us? Did I do something wrong? I though im forever? Were forever? You know what, why did you tell me that you don’t want me anymore, its much easier than you doing this? You said that you’re just friends but I had enough. I can’t be with someone who has allegedly been dating his best friend behind my back. You said this song could be a hit, I believed in you. I hope you’re happy this is the last time that I will tell you this I love you. I love you too much to let go but this is the right thing to do. Focus on things that will make you happy and successful. xoxo

That week has been really painful to Valerie she thought all the things she should have accomplished if she wasn’t with him. She could have graduate, Shawn recently finished his tour in Europe of couse they will go to Italy as one of the places they set and Valerie has an Italian blood loved that country so much that Shawn begged Andrew to take Valerie on tour with him. Sadly, Valerie has to take online classes but it’s okay as long as she is with Shawn.

People in the internet has been taging Valerie a lot, a picture of Shawn and Camila at a diner a 4 ‘o’clock in the morning, him picking her up on her acting lessons. Basically doing what couples are supposedly doing. Shawn isn’t that open and that sweet when they were together. They looks so good.

Valerie remebers that she send Shawn a messege last week, and clearly Shawn is so busy with his lifestyle he didn’t even read it! That week was horrible, Valerie and Shawn lived in the same condo in Toronto and she practically lived in their house in Pickering.

Too bad Shawn fucked the 3 years up. Maybe it’s time for a break. So she packed her bag and zoomed off to the airport on the way to her birth land, basically soul searching. Hoping that at least she will have a good time.

Valerie and Shawn has a bucket list together, they didn’t even finished it. Actually Valerie knew that they aren’t gonna last forever, its either she And Shawn will broke up because of long distance or Shawn being bored at Valerie or Shawn finding someone new in tour, well technically he didn’t find new he just reunited with her.

Shawn’s definition of love is love isn’t something you should chase because then it isn’t real you just kinda let it happend and that exactly what happened to them.

Maybe that’s the reason.

Valerie then made a new bucket list for her to complete.

1. Buy myself a new mansion in Los Angles and sell my old one and donate the money

2. Ride an helicopter

3. Buy an island

4. Study hard! Even if it’s summer

5. LOVE YOURSELF

She didn’t feel making a long one, she will just add something of she want.

Valerie should have graduated college but then she was too focused on Shawn, good thing she didn’t have bad grades. So she shall study and make up for the time she lost.

Turns out Valerie needs to be in LA with her family for a grand opening of their new hotel, maybe she will travel next time, she already contacted her friend Bella Hadid, Bella’s father and her father are friends. Bella knew what Valerie is feeling, I mean the pictures are all over internet, so Bella invited her girlfriends and hoped that Valerie will have a good time.

the real angst is on the next part. also sorry if i disappointed someone in my writing.