#can't i be a little upset that i've worked so hard and can't even achieve half of what someone could do effortlessly as a child?

[mgu-h]

I love when he gets talking and then just keeps talking lmao, like they just have to prompt him and he will deliver a little monologue, e.g.

I didn't hold [Checo] up, I just had to cool my tires a bit more, and that just seemed to allow Oscar to get ahead of Checo, so yeah, no, I did my part today as a team player, and to come away with a first and a fourth was not what we're expecting today, but obviously a great result for the team. It put us on top as a constructor, and first time in 10 years that that's been the case, so a happy day for us as a team, of course for Oscar with a race win is even better, and for me to get fourth, like from 15th I don't think we're expecting it, from even halfway to the race I probably wasn't expecting it, because I had Carlos behind, Checo was behind, Max was just behind, and I hadn't even done my pit stop yet, so I was like, oh god, I'm not in that race for the top, but the pace was amazing, and the car really came alive at the end of the hard stint, and even the whole time on the mediums, and kind of went exactly how we wanted it to go, and even better than that, so yeah, good day.

and

I struggled to get past Alex for a long time, and that's a common thing, I mean Alex just doesn't make mistakes, and the Williams is always quite slippery in the straights, so Alex made my life tough for a lot of laps, and Max was behind me that whole time, and put me under a lot of pressure, but I could make the moves when I needed to, on the rest of the field, whether that was on Max, or the guys further behind, Bearman, and that's always good fun, so yeah, it was a fun race, I say from my side coming through, and always not knowing what to expect, and what we could achieve, so it was always a fun race like this, but yeah, good points. Fastest lap to get ahead of Max was important for me to kind of make me a bit happier after yesterday.

and

[Andrea] was not happy after last night, I was super unlucky. This was one of the most unfair things that I think has happened in a long time. I went off the track, yes, but then there was the yellow flag, and you can't see the flag, so everyone was talking about the white flag and all this nonsense. What they can't see is my dash, which had the big yellow lights on. So a lot of people love talking nonsense and stuff like that, but I had to lift and that took away my chances. So it was a shame, but it kind of made my race exciting today. So we were not happy as a team after last night because we knew we could have had two cars up there, and when you look at where Oscar finished today, we knew we could have had two cars right at the top. And that's what we love to see. So there's more potential. I don't think we're very happy with the weekend because we want perfection, and this weekend was not perfect, but when you look at today and how we executed today, I think everyone should be very happy.

and

It's not for me to decide [about papaya rules]. So I just keep doing my part. You know, I was quick all weekend. I've been very quick. I'm doing a good job, I feel, and I'm executing things well. I feel like I've been a little bit unlucky. and unfortunate, but that's how our racing is sometimes. And yeah, of course, I'm going to be a bit upset about things and not the happiest guy. I'm never normally the happiest guy anyway, but we're slowly catching, but we need more. But I think that can still come. You know, it's still a good amount of races to go. There's still sprint races to go. We're working well as a team, you know, even from like the part of helping Oscar to get the win today, this plays a big part in it all.

he just has things to say lol and i love it. his shorter, cutely passive aggressive answer to laura about the complaints he made to the team about max was great too, that he was "not complaining, just stating facts" lol that max was overtaking under VSC, which he "thought wasn't allowed but maybe i'm wrong" like catty lando is peak lando and it's good to see him 🧡

[pebblysand]

Is My Heart Still In It? (and further reflections ahead of the Page Pals Project)

Hey everyone, I hope that you're doing well. I am back in Ireland now, and just wanted to come on here to remind you of the castles re-read project that will be starting tomorrow (more info here if you want to join). I am very excited about this and look forward to receiving your thoughts and to talking about each chapter as we progress!

Additionally, as a lot of you also saw last week, I received a not-very-nice anon about chapter 21. At the outset, I want to state that my intention writing this isn't to revive the issue, or to stir shit up again. Anon apologised and even if they hadn't, they're allowed to think whatever they want to think. I know a lot of you were very upset on my behalf, and a lot of you DM-ed me last week, which was very kind, but I also think that anon was very well within their rights to have disliked the chapter. Word-vomiting it to my face probably wasn't the most productive way to go about this, and that was typical URL-badman behaviour, but it is a free country.

I haven't had a chance to re-read the chapter, but I also think it's pretty clear what this person disliked about it. There is a change of tone in chapter 21, and a change of pacing, that may have felt rushed to this person, which is probably why they didn't enjoy it. Again, that's not really the question, here.

I think the part of this anon that really stuck with me was the allegation that my heart wasn't "in it" anymore. Firstly, because at a very, face-value level, it's not true. I don't want to seem like I'm being full of myself, here, but I think it is pretty much acknowledged that I am someone who has a very strong work ethic. I spend hundreds of hours on each chapter, I edit, publish, edit after I publish, answer anons, answer comments - like, if there's one thing you cannot actually fault me on, it's the amount of dedication that I have put in this project. I can accept that maybe, when it comes to chapter 21 specifically, I did a little bit less editing than I usually do, which may have caused it to be a bit clunkier, but that was mostly because I was very keen on giving you a chapter before going on holiday, not because my heart wasn't "in it". My heart is in fact so "in it" that I wrote and published 43,000 words in less than a month, so stop it.

But also, on a different level, one that this anon probably didn't even anticipate, they were right. Because, I mentioned their message to my therapist, earlier this week, and said: "Do you think they can tell?"

To be fully transparent with you all, when it comes to castles, I've definitely had many moments of fluctuating motivation in the past four years. I think that when you are writing a story this size, for that much time, it's natural that you will experience ebbs and flows. The summers, I've noticed, have always been particularly hard. The summer of 2021, when everyone was coming at me about my characterisation and, afterwards, about the contents of chapter 8, made me want to give up more times than I can count. So much so that I didn't publish anything for six months after that. I can state very clearly that my heart was very much not in it, then. The summers of 2022 and 2023, when I basically wrote myself into the ground and burnt out by August because I was sleeping four hours a night for months, trying to manage writing and work, were also awful. Those who were here last summer will remember the post I wrote about how much I'd sacrificed for castles, and how much I considered giving up. My heart also wasn't in it, then.

By contrast, now, I'm feeling a lot better about this story. Its end is in sight and I'm so very proud of what I have achieved and what I have managed to pull through. I'm also about to embark onto writing a series of chapters that have literally existed in my head for years, and which I can't wait to share with you. Whilst I am a bit nervous about how the end will be received (which, again, is normal when you have poured that much of yourself into something), I can't wait to finally show you all where I was going with this. I'm so excited for us to finally be able to discuss Everything, and for this fic to be complete. I think that paradoxically when you look at what this anon was saying, I am on "high" when it comes to castles, at the moment. I am more motivated, and my heart is more "in it" than it has been for a long time.

So, why do I say that anon was also right? Well, because I'm grieving. Because like a parent who is watching their child age and move out for college, I'm watching this story edge closer and closer to being finished with a mixture of joy and pride, and grief. I've always felt that once a chapter is published, and once a story is finished, it no longer belongs to me, it belongs to the readers. And, right now, there are only three chapters left, which are my own. Soon, this story will have grown up into its own thing and it will belong to the people who read it for as long as there is a Harry Potter fandom, for as long as the internet exists, but it will no longer be just mine. And, so, when I say "Do you think they can tell?" I mean that. Can they tell in my words on the page that I'm saying goodbye, too? That maybe I am slowly trying to distance my heart from this thing that I've built little by little, because I'm hoping that the grief will hurt just a little bit less, when the time comes?

I love this story so much. I know that it means a lot to a lot of you, and I don't mean to diminish that reader experience in any way, but it means a lot to me, too. Probably in a very different way. This story has been my refuge, my baby, my best friend, my enemy, my lifeline, for four years now. And, I love the community it has brought together, stupid anons included, so I worry. About what it'll be like not having that. About whether people will be interested in my writing in the future. About the possibility that I might never experience this level of connection again. And, so, of course, I am happy and keen, and so excited to finish and share this with you. Also, I'm not going to lie, I'm very much looking forward to getting some of my free time back (haha) for the first time in years. But, I'm also grieving. And, maybe, like this anon accidentally suggested, you might be able to tell in my words, or you might not. Either way, I'm telling you: my heart is very much in it. It's just - learning to say goodbye.

So: join me on the re-read, starting tomorrow. Join me as I say goodbye. And, I can't say I won't cry, but I hope we'll all get where we need to be in the end. ❤️

[angelselene]

I just had several Wreckage related thoughts (PTSD tw):

Ed and Roy are casually invited to a neighborhood BBQ, early in their time in the CM world, and they figure it's another phrase for a block party or something.

So, they get there a little early,.and then the dogs and burgers are put on.

Roy pales and his eyes unfocus and he starts to tremble. But he can't move. And he can't see the grill.

And their new neighbors turn to greet them, and *they* freeze, and Ed's like "i'm so sorry we have to go" and Ed drags Roy back to their place.

There are a handful of ways they can go from there, but I'm thinking Ed sticks Roy in the shower, because rain wasn't in Ishval, and even if it was, he's useless in the rain so he couldn't have been... working.

They so not go to bbqs after that.

Relatedly, Roy can't tolerate even the smell of meat for weeks afterwards, and they have to stay indoors for days.

But that's not to mention the fireworks that come that night, after the BBQ.

They... don't do well for quite some time.

(They at least know to expect fireworks on New Year's)

Ooooh, Ed and Roy taking a few days off on either side of July 4th to avoid going outside.

(And then fucking LABOR DAY why are they barbecuing today?!)

(Memorial Day is an issue too, but they miraculously miss it that first year)

Hmmm... I bet Roy can't eat most (maybe any) red meat...

Anywho. Had that thought and needed to share. C:

Okay, I have had this stuck in my inbox for like, almost six months at this point. Not because I didn't like the idea (I love the idea) but because I wanted to write it and surprise people and...

...I have tried. I tried to write it just as a one-off, to celebrate milestones on the series (1,000 public bookmarks, 5,000 kudos, both of which are amazing achievements I'd be happy to celebrate with), tried to write it for 10/3... and it's just... it won't come. I don't know if it's something about this particular emotional beat that I don't feel like I can write (I don't think it's that, because I've written similar to it), or if it's just that I marked the series as Complete and in my brain, the part of it that thought about the Wreckage-verse is just closed, but I've got like... 600 words of them buying their house, and nothing else.

And it is not a good 600 words. It is not a 600 words you'd want to be part of the Wreckage series. Usually, it's a sign I'd take to scrap it and start over, but after a still very recent irl upset, I just don't have the heart to push through and make myself write it. Writing anything right now is hard, and something I just couldn't make work before that upset is, unfortunately, not on the table right now. Sorry, Ryan, I really, really tried.

What I have been considering, if anyone is interested, is posting some of the original runs I did at an FMA/Criminal Minds crossover. I probably mentioned it in comment replies or maybe even in an author's note somewhere, but what became Wreckage is actually my third attempt at a FMA/CM crossover. One of them, I didn't get more than maybe a couple thousand words (I know, I know, only a couple thousand), but one, I got... quite a bit more done, and it's a pretty different angle because it has the BAU ending up in Amestris instead of the other way around.

That version required a lot more plotting, and when I realized that, I scrapped it (you all think I'm kidding when I tell you I hate writing plot), and moved on to a version where Ed and Roy ended up in CM 'verse instead. I have like... 16k of that. It's not all complete scenes, but if people would like, I can post what I have of it.

So... let me know.

[ultimatepokemontournament]

do you mind when people yell about the seeding? i’ve done it in the tags before but it was completely meant in good fun, and if it actually upsets you i wouldn’t want to do that at all

I will admit it does bother me a little (specifically when seeding or the concept of it is mentioned, but not people just yelling about specific matchups), just because it's hard not to read it as criticism of something that I've put a lot of work into, even if that's not necessarily the case!

At the same time, I've also got a big enough picture of the tournament to know that sometimes rough matchups are inevitable, even in the first round, and that I cannot in fact see the future (I'm actually quite bad at it), so that's mostly enough to resolve my doubts. Plus! Once a poll is out there, it's out there. On our strict schedule, it's a little hard for me to yoink it back and go hey wait give me another shot! I gotta make my peace with that ahaha

Additionally: (Read more added because I'm the rambly sort)

1) I don't consider tags to be largely directed at me. Tags showing up in the activity page is technically a new phenomenon in the large scheme of things, and Tumblr developed a culture for tagging specifically to be unobtrusive so I want to respect and internalize that.

2) If it bothers someone enough, they can make it known in a way that actually asks for a response, like via an ask. (The more detailed, the better lol. If criticism is constructive, then positive change can be achieved. If it isn't, then all that's really happening is people getting hurt.) Or they can technically make their own tournament. I don't think I'm the only one running a Best Pokemon Tournament and I wouldn't take it personally or as an attack. One of the great joys of being alive is seeing how other people choose to tackle the same problem in different ways! You can learn a lot that way.

3) I largely don't consider the effects of my combined social anxiety and perfectionism to be anyone's problem other than my own. I very much appreciate kindness and patience, but I can't expect it, and thus: people should behave as they will. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to run this!

[lumpkinboi]

Working meds and two mental illnesses

[Extremely disorganized rambling ahead]

So the meds are working. It's honestly a little crazy to me how I can actually just sit down, clear my mind and just focus on my work. In 26 years of living, I was never able to properly sit down and do something until I started this treatment and it's been doing wonders. Although I'm getting to a point where they don't work as well as they used to, my doctor said this is normal and we just have to find a dosage that works for me over a longer period of time. So if they stop working entirely, we can just increase the dosage, or switch to a different medication.

Sometimes I think about how many opportunities I squandered because I have this disease and never treated it. But it's also hard to blame myself because going after treatment was difficult due to this illness. I've been caught in a catch-22 my whole life. To a certain extent, I still am. I have a lot of social anxiety and I can't really talk to people very well, which is tough because I have to talk to people to get treatment.

But then again, who could I blame? It's not my fault I was born like this, but it is my fault I never got it fixed. I think I'm ready to accept I just wasn't strong enough to deal with it and decided to ignore it until it went away. But I am now, and I guess that's what matters.

To me, currently, the anxiety is the biggest problem I have, and I never really put the two on a balance. At first I thought that if I "fixed" my ADHD, things would get better, but I don't know why I thought one thing would lead to another. I have two separate problems that each require different kinds of treatment. In hindsight, obviously treating ADHD would not treat the anxiety. But it did better my quality of life.

Lately, something very personal has been bothering me. It's been a small source of anxiety for a while, but it came rushing to me as a much bigger issue. I thought it'd go away since it always does, but it's been getting worse, and I don't think the ADHD meds are really helping on that department. It feels like they make this anxiety worse. It's a constant internal struggle that I've been dealing with for the past couple of years. And now it feels like I've unearthed a bomb and it blew up on my face and now I'm dealing with the repercussions. I'm not gonna talk about what it is on this blog since it's a very personal matter, and I haven't really processed everything very well yet.

But I've cried over it. I haven't cried in years. Or, rather, haven't cried in years over something so emotionally personal. This has affected me a lot more than I thought it would. Maybe it's time I find a psychologist too.

I think now I finally have a real plan. I've created a loose step-by-step plan to get everything in my head properly sorted. There are many things I want to achieve, but I have to achieve inner peace first. I start with the ADHD, get my finances in order, work through my social anxiety, then move from there. Maybe in 5 years I'll be a real person. I wish I could be a real person now, but life doesn't work like that.

I don't want this post to sound like I'm sad, even though I am upset at the current state of my life. It's more so for me to visualize my thoughts. I found that the last time I did something like this, it helped me organize my head a little, so I think I should start doing it more often. I guess the TLDR is that things suck and not everything can be fixed, but I am trying to focus on the things I have at least some semblance of control over.

I just want to be normal.

[honey-minded-hivemind]

Final updates/changes of the ⛰🐉Jade Mountain Academy⏳📜 AU:

Hello, again. I have good news and bad news for this au... I have done my best, and have put a lot of effort and time into it, and have spent hours, days, even, putting together what I could. I had to sort everyone into a tribe (or into hybrids), pick names for everyone in this au that are not the same as the other ones, do character descriptions, and a bit of extra work looking up different X-Men characters from the Animated Series and Evolution. I had to make a few hard choices as to who would be included and who wouldn't, as far as students and staff go. And this is where the good news and bad news comes in...

Okay, bad news first. This isn't easy to say, but... I will only be able to do three winglets. This was not a quick decision. I spent hours trying to scrounge up what I could for this, looking up the different characters who were mutants, and then sorting through who would fit the criteria for students... In the other aus, I have at least 30-31 characters written for. But for this au, not all of those are students. I've thought it over, and I'm rearranged a few things, so I could fit in everyone who matched this au and the X-Men medias chosen/best imagined for it. That is still a total of 30 students. And please remember, this is all for free. I can only do so much, and this is what I've been able to achieve. I've almost fitted all the pieces together to begin the scenarios. The original students for Wings of Fire's Jade Mountain Academy were 35; 30 isn't so bad. Of course, we should get to the good news...

The good news, everyone, is, there will be other characters, but as teachers, that the reader is part of a winglet, and that no main members were kicked out. We have a small army of teachers at this point😅 And with these students (and everyone's luck) they're going to need these protective teachers/parents. So, we have more teachers than Wings of Fire's Jade Mountain Academy. Not by much, granted, but, still, there's enough characters to keep everything going. The reader is part of a winglet! Good news number 2. That surely sweetens the deal at least little. So they get to be involved in everything that goes on in the school. And I tried to keep in everyone who I've mentioned before, and a few others I forgot about/slipped from my mind. So, yes, I'm adding a few extras to this au.

I once again apologize for this. Thank you if you aren't upset, and if you enjoy what I write. Please keep in mind though, this is all free and I'm not obligated to do any of this. I love doing this. I truly do. But sometimes changes happen. And that's okay. We need to be less hard on ourselves for things we can't control or can't do. It's okay. It's all part of the process. What matters is we tried, we did our best, and that is enough. Enjoy this bit of honey from the comb.

[homesliceadulting]

So, I messed up. I wrote last week about how I was super lax, but still lost a little weight and so I was going to be working super hard this week to make some progress--that did not happen, obviously. I regained 1.8 lbs.

Without making excuses, there are a few reasons why. I ate out around 4-5 times this week--even though I made a meal that was supposed to last me through the week, some of the events of the week caused me to throw caution to the wind and indulge myself. On Wednesday, when I was planning to do a workout, I got a medical procedure done called an HSG. It's a procedure that requires a long needle to be inserted into my uterus to distribute dye that will allow my fertility specialist to get a 2D image of my lady parts. This was super painful--I underestimated how taxing it would be on me physically and my hubby and I had a fattening lunch to make me feel better. I had something called The Conversion--it's 3 cinnamon rolls converted into French toast. And that's only half of what I ate. I finished the rest for dinner. Also, because of how taxing the procedure was, I decided against working out that day. So I missed a workout. Also, I had free tickets to a Seattle Mariners game, so we ate out then. I actually ate out twice on that day since my job doesn't not provide free lunch on Fridays. On Thursday, our day to usually eat out for dinner, I had a big Five Guys burger & cajun fries after my husband and I received bad news about our genetic testing results. This week has been a little emotional when it comes to our fertility journey on top of being a week that was a little busy.

I don't know that I've really thought about emotional eating, but this week was full of it. I feel quite disappointed in myself for not doing what I was supposed to do while simultaneously trying to be kind for resorting to an old, comforting behavior during a difficult week. I have 4 weeks left to lose 9.4 lbs and I don't know if that's possible--I will have to be so dedicated and I can't guarantee that I can get back on the wagon, given how the past 2 weeks have gone. On the bright side, I did plan each day, unlike last week, so that's an improvement. I need to renew my commitment, but I feel sad and upset about my fertility journey so far. Even though the HSG and ultrasound I got this week were pretty positive, the genetic testing results were actually pretty scary--the whole reason I started on this journey was to prepare my body for children. It was my main motivator. And with the bad news about our genetic compatibility, I start to question all the hard work I have put in and the work I will continue to have to do to move forward with living a healthier lifestyle. While getting healthy has other benefits and rewards (feeling better, feeling lighter, having more endurance, experiencing less stress, seeing results, fitting into spaces better), with my north star of motivation (having kids) coming into question, I need to mentally adjust. I 100% believe that losing the weight is beneficial to my life. But I may need a new north star. And that's painful, especially since having kids is something me and my husband want and have been preparing for for a long time. We need to schedule a follow up with a genetic specialist to learn more about the risks, but with our limited knowledge, it's easy to assume that things won't be as easy as we'd hoped. It's an unanticipated monkey wrench and it's taking a bit of an emotional toll that has resulted in me questioning my own life goals and motivation. Well, this is something I should share with my therapist.

Overall, I'm not dead in the water. I can get back on the horse and I will--I may just need some time to really get back on it fully. I will do the best I can while still allowing space for me to process everything. Overall, I still feel good about my progress thus far and believe that if I can be super disciplined, I can achieve my goal of being under 300 lbs in 4 weeks. I've got this. I can do this. Hoping to share good news next week.

[crescendeyes]

A Friday to remember

Before I begin, I would like to start off this entry with the fact that last night was absolute shit with Aaron. Ever since I moved out, because I've been so busy trying to juggle 2 jobs, moving into and settling in to this new condo and opening for Joji this coming Sunday.

You would think that for someone so introverted such as me, I wouldn't have such a social life (which is true) but I have to much going on in my life that the contentment I feel every day is fuelling me to work twice as hard to keep this place and to find myself some serenity and peace.

Moving into a new place isn't a one day thing; I now recognise. It's constantly fixing and cleaning and eventually spread out throughout the entire month before you figure out what you hate and love about a place, what works and doesn't, your sleeping vs working schedule - and now you have to top it off with having a renewed long distance relationship. It's tough.

I have to give it to Aaron for constantly being a support in my life despite me not being able to fulfil his love languages from afar. The best I could do is quality time but being an introvert, I value my alone time and sometimes when I've had the full day of giving my energy to people, I find myself having very little left to give to myself let alone to Aaron.

We've been fighting since last night over something ridiculous and it spilled over to this morning when I woke up. I was so upset that I think for the first time ever I leaned onto my avoidant side of things and just wanted to leave everything behind (even-though I knew it was an impulsive feeling but I truly just can't deal with it).

I definitely feel the heavy sense of burden whenever it came to arguments. The sense where (whether if its bias or not) I have to always give in to his emotions and forsake mine in order to fit the peace back together. It's difficult to resolve lately because I have no patience. It's not Aaron's fault entirely but this leaves me feeling unsatisfied and unjust. Its never the case of me being upset and he makes me feel better; instead its him getting upset at me for being upset (not in a red flaggy way but in a sensitive manner)

And I know he is SUPER sensitive because I've seen his interactions with his friends and even with me. It's very volatile.

I had to let my ego down and make him feel better when he started crying....sigh...and I was late to meet Chyen and Dan but I ended up being earlier than them (or so I thought). Today was so hectic, cause I had to push out a live website for a client (which btw successfully happened by night time) + rushed to the wrong location for the Van Gogh Exhibition (wtf?). It's so messy lately, I feel like I really need to note down every single thing on my to do list before I lost track of what I have to do.

I had such an amazing time on edibles with Chyen and Dan, it was such a great way to get my mind off things tbh. Had some pretty dope photos too and that helped me forget all the issues I had with Aaron for a bit. Meanwhile, I was functioning on edibles while working and continuously taking photos and videos of my time in the exhibition.

Being the millennial girl boss I am, right after successfully launching my client's website and finishing the Van Gogh Exhibition, I came home to have a meeting with uPledge team and manage to show great numbers and next steps to come.

This weekend is all work and play in full speed.

Saturday

Pack for the weekend to go back to my parents house

Finish uPledge next steps and reporting deck at home

Have dinner with parents

Have a meeting with the uPledge team

Sunday

Have lunch with parents at home

Rush to Peakstorm Festival for soundcheck

Get hair and makeup ready

Perform for Peakstorm Festival

Go home and get ready for the new week

I'm truly so proud of myself for whatever I'm achieving this year. It's been a great start and I have a great goal oriented mindset to follow. It's amazing! Other than the fact that Aaron and I are a little rocky, I'm hoping March will change that.

[cinnamonest]

Zhongli (Genshin Impact) - Yandere Profile

This man's voice has a POWER over me I SWEAR

tws: yandere, mentions of n/sfw

tws (under the cut): very ddlg-esque vibes, sorta? infantilization, noncon

I'm sorry I get such strong daddy vibes it unintentionally went in this direction, hope that isn't too bad lmao

I’m working on all the prompts I’ve gotten in! I’ve gotten a few so I’ll be working on those.

----------

What are they generally like? Lucid, aware? Obsessive? How do they behave?

He's one that might be likely to misunderstand his feelings at first, think that he sees himself as a mentor or maybe even an authority figure, someone to guide you and teach you and serve as a dependable partner to your travels. As time goes on, and he begins to recognize how utterly flustered he gets around you, he's forced to acknowledge the actual feelings he has.

While some yanderes with a slight aloofness or pride to them get worse when in love, such as Childe or Kaeya, his drops completely. You bring out a softer side of him, really, one that's protective and tender and loving, so very loving, wanting to be around you, with you. He's certainly an obsessive, protective type, ultimately allowing his protective nature to get the better of him as he demands to know everything you've done, account for your location at every moment, constantly keep track of your habits, inquire about very personal details of your life. If he realizes you're bothered by it, he might draw back a bit, but he's convinced that that's just your perception, that it's necessary, truly, and not at all unusual.

Pet names. Particularly fond of love, darling, and angel. Sweet things that represent what you mean to him -- something precious, something to represent his adoration and idolization.

The primary form of delusion comes from a perception of you. He's obsessive, and idolizes you to an extent. He perceives you as pure, innocent, angelic. The thing is, this applies regardless of whether or not you actually are. If you are, it will solidify the idea, but even if you're not, he will find a way to see you so, anyway. No matter how wise you are, no, you're naive. No matter how capable you are, no, you're weak and fragile. No matter how experienced you may be, no, you're pure. He can always keep this delusion running by bringing into account age and comparison - you'll never be as strong as him, so you might as well be frail and weak. You'll never have lived as long as him, so really, do you think there's that much difference between you and a child, when compared to someone like himself?

How likely are they to kidnap their darling? How quickly will they do so?

Actually highly likely, and pretty quickly. As he observes you, it becomes very clear to him how very fragile you are, how naive you are, you are quite literally too pure, too angelic, to be living in this world with such beings as humans. Fragile, beautiful little things have a place where they belong - protected. Where do we put fragile, beautiful things? We put them behind glass, behind ropes, in pretty cages, in secluded rooms. It's only natural that you, too, need a similar environment.

He's one of the ones that will... Elegantly kidnap you, as odd as it sounds. He's not a brute that would do something horrendous like knocking you out or drugging you, no, he'll find an excuse for you to come to his abode, invite you in, and you'll walk in none the wiser. Only after your in, and the doors close, does he guide you to your new room, calmly explaining that he's come to the realization that you're too fragile to continue your journey, and ought to simply give up on your travels. He knows you'll be upset at first. Like a child being denied, you'll get pouty, moody, you might cry, you might lash out at him. It's predictable. He'll dry your eyes and calm you down, brushing off any harsh words you may have, holding your wrists in his hands when you try to push him away, softly reassuring you that it will all be alright, that you're safe now, and you'll learn to accept this with time.

How difficult is it to escape from them? How do they keep you restrained? How do they deal with attempted escape? 

He would want something... elaborate. He's a man with taste for the most beautiful of things, including yourself, and he won't settle for something as simple as a chain or ropes. No, that would be too simple and brutish, and you, one of the finest things in his life, deserve something equally beautiful and delicate.

He's one of the ones that would go to a great deal of preparation for your arrival. He'd have a room prepared just for you, very ornate, beautifully tailored to you -- the walls your favorite color, the bed made of the same material as your old one, and the whole room completely filled with things you're certain you never even told him you liked. Clothes that fit perfectly to your body. It's frightening how perfect it is, because you know he had to go out of his way to acquire the information to achieve such perfection, but you have no idea how.

Everything about it elegant and detailed, right down to the series of ornate locks on the door. They're some of the sturdiest available, made with essentially unbreakable metal alloys and the most intricate lock systems to date. The windows don't open, and he'd certainly find some way to ensure escape through them isn't an option -- perhaps metal bars, perhaps an unbreakable glass substitute, perhaps merely locating your new home right on the edge of one of Liyue's most beautiful mountains, so that if you were to go out the window you'd plummet to the earth below. He's a bit delusional, but he's not stupid, and he will think through every possibility. Every little detail he needs to keep you safe and confined.

He's certain that, perfect as it is, this room is all you will ever need to be happy. Should you desire anything else, he can bring it to you. You'll never have to leave.

So it goes without saying that it would be exceptionally difficult to escape him. You'd have to find a way through the locks, for which your best bet would be to get some hair pins or tiny writing utensils. Even if you managed it, though, which would frankly be a very difficult feat, you'll have to deal with staying free. Zhongli has ties to the people of Liyue as a whole, and needless to say, he has eyes everywhere. You can't risk appearing in the harbor area, there will be far too many people who would immediately report you, and you'd just be walking right to him anyhow. The surrounding areas also have ties to him, so you'd want to try and reach Mondstadt, as far as it is, which is a difficult travel by foot all alone. You won't get far. He's faster, he's wiser, and he will find you long before you could ever hope to make it there.

However, he's not quite as angry as some yanderes would be about it. He doesn't take your escape personally, no, he blames himself, only calculating his own mistakes as to how it happened. He sees you as something like... a little runaway pet, so naive and dull that you don't know any better than to go wandering off. Or perhaps like a child, just sheepishly curious and wanting to explore, not knowing the dangers of the world. Or, perhaps...

"I haven't been giving you enough attention, have I? That's why you pulled this little act of rebellion... you're hurt by my negligence and wanted to be reassured of my care for you. I'm so sorry... I understand now, love. This was my fault. I've been so caught up with work... I'll delegate some tasks to my workers, and I'll be able to spend more time with you from now on, alright? Don't worry, I'm not angry, I'll take full responsibility. I'll be sure to make it up to you... now, let's go home."

How easy are they to trick, deceive, or manipulate?

Much like Childe or Venti or anyone who has been around as long as he has, you really don't stand a chance. He's an incredibly perceptive man. There's not much to say on the matter, as any attempts will be quickly shut down.

He'd find it amusing, really. Like a child trying to lie, but the evidence is all over their face and hands - it's that obvious to him. It's cute enough that he almost hates having to discipline you for it, but, you have to learn.

How lenient are they? What privileges can you have, and what will you be denied?

He wants his little angel to be safe - and unfortunately, you, being so naive and empty headed, don't always know what's best for you. He knows rules can be hard to follow perfectly, but they're there to keep you safe.

Extremely strict, will want to monitor every moment of your life, every little movement you take, and will insist on watching over you in every task. He'll pick out everything you wear, everything you eat.

Occasionally, if you ask very sweetly, he may take you out for walks in Liyue. Honestly, he'd be lying if he said he didn't enjoy taking you to what he knows are the finest locations, shops with the highest level of craftsmanship, restaurants with a high price tag and reputable food. He enjoys showing off his refined tastes and discerning selective abilities. And honestly? There's a certain... Powerful feeling to knowing you're made aware of the costs when he makes high purchases in front of you... even if you don't realize he's not always actually the one paying for it, or that he forgot mora again but promises the owner to pay later - but he'll make sure you don't know that. You hear the numbers, and your eyebrows raise, your eyes widen. You'd nearly faint if that total was on your responsibility, and he knows that. Which is why he'll simply smile at you, and tell you you're worth every last Mora. He'll buy you nearly anything you may desire. It seems like leniency, but in reality, it's his subtle way of locking control and dependency over you, making you respect him, making you love him.

"Don't worry, love. It's not a lot... Not to me, at least. Even if it were, my angel only deserves the best, no?"

What kind of rules do they have? What kind of punishment would they use?

Oh dear. Again, he's very strict, and wants to monitor everything you do, every little aspect of your life. He decides what you eat, portioning your meals to make sure you're eating enough, he worries about you going hungry during your travels, but luckily you'll never have to worry about that again. If you have a sweet tooth, he'll sigh and worry about your teeth and health, but he'll make sure to account for a little bit of sugar in your day, and will even pick up little treats from some of the most reputable places in Liyue.

He picks out clothes for you with each day. They're not... Normal clothes, per se. Certainly not what you'd normally wear on your travels. And it's not like anyone will see you except him - which is exactly why you'll have clothes he would never want anyone else to see you in. Frilly, lacey things, somehow both highly sexualized but also incredibly infantile, soft pinks, baby blues, gentle off-whites. They accentuate the curves of your body so perfectly, while just barely letting him see the parts of you normally kept hidden.

You'll have a schedule - a bath time, a bedtime, a wake-up time. He's weak to your requests, though, and may let you stay up a little late every now and then, or sleep in just a bit, if you make that soft pouting face and beg. He'll insist on bathing you, dressing you, so that you don't have to - and can't even if you wanted to - lift a finger even to wash yourself or put your clothes on.

He has a set of rules for you, very simple ones he hopes you can easily follow. No trying to leave. No doing anything dangerous. No talking to strangers when you go out. You must hold his hand whenever you're walking together, don't go wandering off.

He'll feel ashamed of the thought for a while, but eventually he'll cave and give into the desire, no, the security precaution, of a nice little collar for you. It's not too embarrassing, no, he went out of his way to find one that was delicate, almost like a necklace, made with fine materials, the engraving only visible up close. If you look closely, though, it clearly bears his name.

Breaking the rules is expected, he anticipates it. You're not the brightest, he might even view it as a mistake. A benefit is that you can easily pass it off as simply forgotten, or an accident. Hence, he's not too harsh - normally. He'll sigh, forgive you, and pat your head, contemplating how to prevent your access in the future.

Perhaps you wriggled out of his hand and ran off while walking? You were just excited, distracted, like a child. He might be able to procure a small leash, one that wouldn't be immediately obvious or embarrassing, to attach to your collar. Perhaps some cuff-like links to latch your arm to his.

You forgot the rule about not handling the kitchen knives and cut yourself? He'll have to get some kind of lock and simply keep them safely away from you. No big deal. Any measures are worth your safety.

If you push the limits, or have a defiant attitude, he might reach the point of punishment. As for not-unwholesome things, this would usually include taking away privileges, such as walks or sweets, but overall, punishment will mostly come in more impure forms.

How do they deal with rivals, or perceived rivals? Will they get rid of them? Will they kill them themselves, or find another way?

Not too much to say here - he has connections. He doesn't need to dirty his own hands. For all his supposed humility, if he truly dislikes someone, they're no more significant than an insect to him. He has no reservations about ridding the world of people who, in his mind, are obviously trying to deceive you, abuse you, corrupt you.

Thankfully, he is very capable of keeping a neutral face, even when he feels laughter building up. It would probably look strange if he were smiling over the newest body to come into his parlor.

How easy is it to make them mad? What does their anger look like?

It's a slow buildup. He views restraint as a virtue, and looks down upon those who lack control over their own tempers. He's a man who strives to meet his own standards of character, and that very much applies to self control and ability to maintain a controlled demeanor, even when he feels a bit of frustration due to you being intentionally and deliberately defiant.

It's his responsibility to be a good role model for you and make sure you understand how to behave. However, in the end, he's very keen on properness and rules. If you have a tendency towards brattiness and pushing your limits, you may drive him to a boiling point.

However, even when expressing his anger, he's remarkably controlled. It's very mature, really. Nonetheless, he will have you shivering and tearful with his voice alone, booming with that depth that reverberates off the walls, that vibrates against your very core. His true anger is one that can strike fear even in the most courageous individuals - he's terrifying when he wants to be, fierce and intimidating, a sort of power just eminates from him.

Nonetheless, it's quick, he calms down very quickly, wipes the tears from your eyes, and sighs.

"I do hate having to be firm with you... but I can't have you thinking you can just act however you want. You understand that, don't you?"

So they see you as above them, beneath them, or equal to them?

Both? It's difficult to describe. You're an angel to him. You're the finest work of art, the most intricate creation, the kind of person whose body and likeness deserves to be preserved in art and tradition, one of those women who should be renowned for beauty even centuries long after you're gone from the earth. It's almost goddess-like. At the same time, there's a beautiful, tragic duality to your essence, he thinks. A fragility and a dependency that leaves you in need, but an inherent status of perfection that makes you deserve the utmost perfect of care. You need to be coddled, cared for, protected, but you deserve it. Like a deity incarnated into a mere fragile human form, a queen that needs support to retain her grace.

Unlike some, he doesn't view his care and protection as some kind of favor that should be repaid with your gratitude, no, really, he is grateful that he is the one who is even deserving of being your caretaker, your provider, your lover.

Even if he is the one who determined that he deserves that role.

How determined are they for you to love them? How hard will they try to make it happen? Or are they content just having you?

He's convinced that he can show you that he is your protector, your lover, that it's fate itself that has locked you together, not just his own will.

And he is, above all else, patient. One of the most patient you could encounter. You think a year is a long time? It's nothing to him. A century for you? More than a lifetime. For him? Nothing. He can and will wait, as long as it takes, and he will never falter in his continual care. He'll remind you frequently, he'll shower you in affection, but if you don't return it? It's not that bad. He has all the time in the world to fix you.

Bonus: Is there anything that makes them unique, in comparison to other yanderes?

Moraless Sugar daddy

But in all seriousness, he is definitely of the gift-giving love language. He sees beautiful things, and beautiful things make him think of you! It's sweet, he thinks. So many little things he sees throughout his day make him think of you, and he has to have all of them, see your face when he gives them to you. He likes making you happy, for one, but he'd be lying if he said there wasn't a sort of satisfactory pride he gets from the power dynamic of it all. He wants to be the sole source of provision in your life, he wants your dependency.

If we're talking prior to the events of the game, it will be even more extreme. He treats it like it's truly nothing, throwing around massive purchases, seemingly as if he's not thinking about it at all. But he is - rest assured, he's taking it into consideration, at least, that is, how it will affect your attitude and perception of him.

General perverseness: how sexual of a person are they? What’s their drive like? How touchy do they get? Do they have any reservations about sexuality?

On the reserved side. He'd never conduct himself improperly in public, of course. It's out of the question. He cares about proper behavior and public image, and he'd never behave in a vulgar manner.

Even in private, he's certainly one of the ones that struggles with a certain guilt. To some degree, he would feel like you're so innocent and pure that he doesn't want to corrupt you. He goes through stages. First, he'll lie to himself, telling himself that the feelings he has for you are simply protective, platonic, a natural sense of responsibility for you. That becomes more and more difficult to convince himself of, the more excited he becomes around you, the more he finds his eyes drawn to whatever bits of skin are exposed on your body, finding himself drifting off to impure thoughts, trying to push them away. 

Second, once he's forced to acknowledge the true nature of these feelings, he'll simply practice restraint, something he's rather good at in this area. He tries, he really does. He tells himself he can't do something so impure, that it would violate you, that he should be ashamed of himself for it. It becomes more and more and more difficult to restrain himself with time, the feelings rising and the thoughts become more difficult to push away, eventually entertaining the fantasies in his head in an attempt to rid himself of the urge in real life. It doesn't work, no, it only makes the urges worse, and he can't be around you without his body nearly commanding him to do something. And finally, he'll take a different stance entirely, telling himself that, no, it's not going to corrupt you, rather, it's taking care of you. If he really wants to love you, really wants to care for all of your needs, then surely that would include your physical needs, and therefore, really, it would be wrong of him not to help you.

As that shift in viewpoints goes on, he'll become more and more bold, hands lingering just a little longer, face coming just a little closer. It's a slow build of tension, just waiting to boil over. 

How forceful are they? Do they care about your willingness?

He understands you're nervous. Again, no matter how experienced you are, somehow in his head he makes it out to be insignificant. Even if you've had other relationships, he convinces himself - and tries to convince you - that they were inadequate, they didn't care about you, not like he does. And he'll treat it as that -- any resistance you put up is nervousness, nothing more, nothing less. He'll reassure you a million times that you won't feel pain, that he'll be gentle, that you'll feel good, even if his size and strength frankly is rather intimidating regardless of experience. He'll keep cooing in your ear, softly whispering reassurance, softly running hands over your skin, holding you in place as the last inch stretches you apart. 

What sort of kinks or fetishes do they have, or would they fill?

Infantilization

Again, no matter how smart, experienced, and capable you may be, you're none of those things to him. You're a fragile, little thing. He has to take care of you at all times. It may not be evident at first, and he himself likely doesn't fully realize it, but there is something highly sexual to this for him. Caring for you puts him in a position of dominance, control. It gives him access to your privacy, dressing you up, fingers running over your skin, bathing you, watching your skin glisten. He'll talk to you in this way, too, often softly, remarking every little way in which you need him, and even condescendingly so. He wants you to be his, not only in a sense of love, but of possession.

Oral

Primarily giving. Even on its own, he loves the taste, but the effect it has on you makes it that much better. He loves anything that forces you to depend on him entirely for pleasure, that puts you at his mercy. And he'll be torturous about it too, restraining your arms and legs so you can't control anything, hold your hips down so you can't roll into him, so that only he can determine exactly how much pressure and speed you get. And he won't rush it, no, he'll go so slowly it's torturous, and telling you very simply that if you want any more, you'll have to beg.

Edging

For a variety of reasons. The power trip is as exhilarating as it is pleasurable, but he also loves watching your body writhe. Each little muscle that moves under the flesh when your arms strain against his hand holding your wrists together, the convulsing of your stomach muscles, the way your toes curl and legs spasm and the sweet little whimpers you make when he draws back just short of your high. He's mastered watching your reactions, knowing exactly when to stop, even if you try to mask it. He'll want you to tell him, though, nonetheless, tell him when you're close, if for nothing else but the sense of you obeying his commands.

Collaring

Similarly to infantilization, it gives him something of a sense of control, of possession. He loves seeing his name engraved on it, marking the whole of your being with his ownership. In his somewhat rare moments of roughness, he'll want to pull on it, use it to draw you towards him, in a moment of your defiance, in particular. If you're being mouthy, whiny, disobedient, and you finally make him snap, especially if you try to walk away from him, he'll yank you back with force, pulling you close to him, and when the force of it shuts you up, changes your demeanor, forces you to acknowledge your submission - the satisfaction he'll get from that is incomparable.

How do they feel about pregnancy or babies? Do they want them?

As much as he likes the idea, to him, you're already like a child, naive and fragile. Could your body even handle a pregnancy, a birth? He'd likely try to avoid it, but in the end, if it happened by accident anyway, rest assured you'd be getting the best care of any woman to ever be pregnant in Teyvat, and he'd do everything in his power to ensure you were always comfortable, taking his caretaking to another level, almost never even letting you get up, insisting you stay still and calm and needy.

What kind of (nsfw) punishments would they use?

He'd be one to pull the "it doesn't hurt you as much as it does me" line, but really, even if he refuses to admit it to his own self, having you bent over his lap is just as much for his own enjoyment as it is a disciplinary measure. It's more humiliating than it is painful -- he'd hold back, afraid of hurting you with his strength, but taking in every little flinch and whimper you make as he brings his hand down on your ass, keeping your head pressed down, kneading at the flesh. He'd insist it's the most effective punishment measure, but you can feel the hard-on digging into your stomach. The worse the behavior, the worse the beating, but every time, after it's over, he'll hold you upright, wiping the tears from your eyes and asking you if you learned you lesson, if you intend to do it again, and smiling when you insist you won't.

What body parts of their darling do they like the most?

Your skin. It's beautiful, and he loves the way that light from the moon and sun look on your naked form. He loves the way your skin feels, soft and delicate, smooth, so paper thin and fragile, and so, so deliciously prone to showing marks from the slightest of harm - a simple smack can make the plump flesh darkened and reddened, the lightest suckling will leave beautiful hickeys all down your neck and chest. There are so many ways to mark his property, to stake a visible claim all over you, it's irresistible.

He also will go out of his way, when picking out all the things he wants you to wear, to find colors that best go with your skin tone, in a contrasting sense - particularly lacey, sheer things that contrast very well, so he can see your soft flesh perfectly defined against the little lace patterns.

[hajimescutie]

Hello!! I was wondering if I could request headcannons for seijoh 4 with an s/o who has gotten a really high mark on a very important test (like for university exams and stuff) they had, and just them being really proud and happy of reader 🥺

I recently got my mark and I was really happy about it bc I had MULTIPLE breakdowns about it and a lot of anxiety/panic attacks about the exam, the exam has chemistry, maths, biology, and physics for all the topics we took in hs so u can guess how overwhelmed I was 🥴.

Anyways I showed my parents my score and they said good job and that was it so I felt... idk a little upset. I've wanted to go out and celebrate and maybe buy myself a congratulatory gift but I haven't been able to :/

So I was wondering how seijoh 4 would celebrate with there s/o for their achievement!! I hope this isn't too much!! And I hope you have a great day/night ❤️❤️

# — seijoh 4 with an s/o who got good grades

includes: seijoh 4 x gn!reader

genre: fluff

warnings: none

a/n: hi lovely!! first of all, i’m so proud of you 🤩🤩 as someone who’s in university, exam season is so damn stressful. here is my achievement gift for you bby 😚 and pls make sure one of these days to treat yourself! you 100% deserve it. n e ways i hope u like this <3 also so sorry this took so long!

main masterlist aoba johsai masterlist

OIKAWA:

please he would be so so excited!

as soon as he got the text saying you passed, even though he knew you would, he pulled out the flowers and some of your favorite treats!

to celebrate your academic achievement, he thought it'd be nice to treat you to a movie night!

he knew you wouldn't be home for at least an hour or two

but he got to work so quick

tooru knew how hard you worked to get where you are now

countless nights with minimal sleep

a little too much caffeine

staying after hours at school in order to study

the pretty setter did his best in order to support you and make you feel like you could do anything

when he was done setting the stage, he felt pretty accomplished

mans is so extra

would literally buy fairy lights, build a fort, have several bowls of snacks and several bottles of drinks

but if it's to celebrate you and your success?

he would do it again in a heartbeat

you 100% burst into tears when you came home

"y/n-chan! i'm so proud of you!"

"i told you, you would pass!"

"even though we all know i'm smarter-"

the last thing he saw was a pillow flying at his face

he was still happy for you nonetheless!

IWAIZUMI:

hajime would literally wait outside your classroom for you to finish your test

mans would be nervous too!

anything that's important to you is important to him

regardless of the outcome, he'll always be proud of you and your hard work

but good news!

he knew you passed as soon as he the brightest smile creep onto your lips

would 100% pick you up and spin you while mumbling how proud of you he is

"i knew you could do it, doll!"

"you let that dumbass brain of yours psych you out when you know you're smart"

"hey! i'm only saying facts- don't hit me!!"

he decided to take you out to dinner, ice cream, and stargazing <3

not like a super fancy dinner but somewhere casual where you both could be together and enjoy each other's company

you would talk about how the test went with him, the concepts you did and didn't understand, how you think you did

he would listen so attentively

all he could do was smile

hajime felt his heart soar the entire time

he knows you're able to accomplish anything you put your mind to

this man could write a book on how happy he is for you

lmao he probably wrote somewhere in his notes how proud he is of you

you can't change my mind on that

you're so precious to him, and for him to see you so excited and happy makes him feel giddy

he loves you so much, and he couldn't be prouder to have someone as special as you by his side :)

MATSUKAWA:

just like hajime, issei would be waiting for you outside your classroom while you finished your test

but he was way more nervous than you were

which confused him because it was your test

maybe the suspense?

anyway

issei knew how important passing this test was for you

unfortunately, you had encountered multiple mental breakdowns while preparing for said test

but your boyfriend was with you the entire way

he supported you and helped you every chance he got

even though he wasn't that good at the subject you were taking

it's the thought that counts

when he heard people coming out from your classroom, the last thing he saw was you trampling over to his tall figure and latching yourself onto him

"i passed 'sei! i passed!!!"

would pepper kisses all over your cute lil face

he felt like his heart was going to pop out of his chest

issei would go all out with celebrating your achievement!

you deserved a break!

he took you to the amusement park, took you out to dinner, got some dessert at your favorite bakery, and ended the day with watching your favorite movies

issei is so cheesy you can't tell me otherwise

before you both went to bed he would tell you how proud he is of you, how he never doubted that you would pass, how much he loves you and can't wait for you to move on with your career, the list goes on

you're important to him, and he wouldn't want anyone else

HANAMAKI:

omggggg

hiro wanted to do anything and everything in order to celebrate your achievement!

hiro knows you're smart

you're smarter than him and his dumbass friends combined

you can't tell me that you wouldn't come home and already see your favorite food made, a bouquet of your favorite flowers, even a cake that said 'congrats' on it!

hiro is so cute

the pink-haired male wanted to put his all in making you understand that all of your hard work paid off!

it broke his heart to see you so stressed over your exams

he wanted to help, he really did

but he wasn't as smart as you lol

so, the next best thing was to support you in any way he could

he would 100% tease you about how stressed you were

"see! you were worrying over nothing!"

"come on babe, you can't tell me you didn't know you were gonna pass"

"what do you mean?! you're the smartest person i've ever met!"

despite the teasing, hiro was so proud of you

while you were eating, he couldn't help but stare at you lovingly

he couldn't believe someone as intelligent, hardworking, and beautiful could be with someone like him

he loves you with his whole being, and he'll do anything in order to make you happy

reblogs are appreciated! <3

©hajimescutie 2021, all rights reserved

[valyntynamaro]

Homesick - Thomas Raggi

Requested by @fairyth0rns In which a homesick Thomas confides in you after a show. I changed up the premise a little but I love how it turned out!! LOTS of fluff and feelings! Hope you like it <3 this is basically Thomas Raggi stan acc at this point ahaha.

word count: 1,914

REQUESTS OPEN

-no warnings

Being on tour with your best friends wasn't always easy, there were small fights, drunken mistakes and harmful words that got said, but it was just the pressure they were all under, no one was ever mad at each other for long, it was just the lifestyle catching up to everyone.

No matter how hard things got out on the road you knew there would always be someone you could turn to for help and consolation, and things did get hard being away from your life back home. However, you knew that everyone gets that way and all you can do is support each other.

Loud cheers erupted from the audience as the show came to an end, you had been out on the road with Måneskin for a few weeks and as the tour was coming to the end you couldn't help but smile, thinking about how far they had come not only in the last few months but over the last few years that you had known them.

Every single milestone and achievement made you all the more proud of the four people before you on the stage which you called your family, that's what you had become a close-knit family and you couldn't imagine your life without them.

"Thank you, everybody, we have been Måneskin, goodnight!!" Damiano screams excitedly into the mic as the band begin to leave the stage, you clapped and cheered for them from in front of the stage, but in front of the crowd barrier. Snapping a few pictures of them as they held up their instruments and waved at the crowd, Vic stuck her tongue out at you and leaned into the camera as you took her picture.

After the show, you all made your way back to the hotel you were staying at for those few nights, there was an off day tomorrow so everyone decided that it would be fun to go down to the bar and have a couple of drinks.

Down at the bar, you all raised a glass to the great show they had put on and the successful tour also for good luck in the future. Music played loudly as you all danced together, laughing with one another at the terrible moves coming from each of you, everything was perfect and it was moments like that which made all the fights and upsets worth it.

Swaying your hips to the music you felt someone's arms slip around your waist, looking down you recognise the rings on their hand, It was Thomas and you instantly relaxed into him, moving softly to the music in time with him. Whilst you loved everybody in the band, you and Thomas had a special bond, you just understood each other a lot more deeply than the others.

"Are you okay my love?" turning around to face him in his arms, you met with a slight frown, you hated seeing him like that and would do anything to make him feel better.

"I guess, I just feel...I don't know I think I'm just tired" You could barely hear him over the loud music and the screaming from your friends as they fooled around, picking one another up and throwing them around.

You take Thomas' hand, leading him away from the dancefloor and out the backdoors to the beer garden outside. The atmosphere instantly softened and you could tell he was a bit more relaxed. "What's going on in your head sweet?" the two of you take a seat at one of the tables, he pulls a cigarette out of the pack in his pocket and lights it, he offers you one but you politely decline.

"I'm just so tired of being out here away from home, it's catching up to me now. I just want to wake up and not have to worry about how I'm going to do that night, the pressure is just getting to me y/n." He rests his head on your shoulder, your hands instinctively go to his shaggy blonde hair, he loved when you would play with his hair.

“ I know my lovely, everyone feels like that sometimes It's completely normal you just have to do your best and that's all anyone can expect from you, we'll be home before you know it" Placing a kiss to the top of his head he sighs, putting out his cig he takes your hand in his and plays with the many rings on your fingers. You never wore rings until you started touring with the band, they introduced you to them and would always buy you one as a thank you at the end of every tour- they were so special to you and you made sure to wear them every day for good luck.

"Y/N, I don't want to be at this place anymore, I can barely catch my breath" you knew what he was feeling was social anxiety, you had spent so many times with Thomas backstage just calming him down when he'd work himself up into a panic, it was never a bother to you though you just loved to make him feel comfortable and safe.

" We can go back to the hotel if you want, watch your favourite movie and cuddle?" you suggest, he doesn't say anything but just nods, "I'll just go tell the others, meet you out the front." Getting up, you place another kiss on his head before helping him up and making your way inside, for a minute you struggled to find anyone but you saw Vic by the bar being chatted up by some guy.

"Vic, me and Thomas are going back to his room, I'll see you in the morning" you hug her, Vic had always admired your relationship with Thomas, she knew that no one made him feel like you did, she would often tell you how cute it would be if the two of you were dating. Whilst you liked the idea of being with him, you knew that it was far important just being there for him you wouldn't want to risk everything and then not be able to be there when he needed you the most, so you were okay with just being friends.

“ Don't do anything I wouldn't do girl, have fun" she teased, causing you to roll your eyes everyone in the group would make jokes about how you and Thomas acted like you were already a couple but you paid no mind to it.

Meeting Thomas outside you walked hand in hand down the road, taking in all the sights the city had to offer whilst you made your way back to the hotel you were staying at.

Back in his room, you changed into a comfy shirt of his, whilst he only wore a pair of grey shorts. You couldn't help but think how good he looked in them, those shorts of his were a weakness of yours and he knew that which is why he always wore them around you.

Relaxing on the bed, you lay your head on his chest your arm draped over his lower torso, he had an amazing body and you would often catch yourself sneaking a look whilst the two of you changed together. "what do you want to watch then?" you asked, tracing circles around his 'Må' tattoo, you had been there with him, holding his hand as he got the tattoo done.

"you choose" his voice was soft, you could tell he was tired, so you just put on a film you had seen a bunch of times so you didn't have to pay attention to it, so he could just relax and fall asleep.

"You know, I don't want the tour to end" you could tell something was on his mind. "why's that?" leaning upon your elbows you turn to look him in the eyes, getting lost momentarily in them.

"Because you won't be there" a tear falls from his eyes and you quickly wipe it away, holding his face in your hands.

"aw sweetie, I'll always be there, even if I'm not with you every day, you can always call me" you kiss his cheek, comforting him, wiping away more tears.

" it's not the same, I just want to be with you all the time, you make me feel like nothing else on earth, when I'm with you nothing matters y/n, I don't know how you do it but I don't want it to ever stop" now it was your turn to cry, no one had ever made you feel so special or important in your life and it felt so good to hear those words leave his mouth.

"Oh Thomas, I don't ever want to be without you either, but you know I have a life back home, outside of the band. I'm only a short drive away, you can come to see me whenever you want and whenever you feel sad I'll be there as soon as you call" It broke your heart to see him so vulnerable, but you knew there was nothing you could do, you lived about ten minutes out of Rome, you couldn't afford the city.

"I feel so selfish, I just want you all to myself all of the time. I count down the days to the start of every tour because I know that I'll get to wake up and see you every day, that I get to spend all the time in the world with you, with nothing keeping you from me" He sits up, pulling you into a tight embrace.

"I know sweetheart, I know" Is all you could say, you were choking on your own words, it hurt so much that you couldn't be with him all the time.

"I don't even just mean with me physically, y/n you complete me, you make me a better man and I..." he pauses, wondering if he was really about to say what he was going to say.

"I love you y/n and I know you feel the same way about me, I've just always been too scared to do anything in case I scare you off because I can't bear to lose you" you pull away from the hug to look him in the eyes once more.

"Thomas, I've been in love with you since we first met you have no idea what it means to me to hear you say this" the two of you lean into each other, your lips inches away from his but before anything could happen the door bursts open, causing you to jump away from each other.

"Y/N Dami's been siiiickkkk" Ethan whines, stumbling into the room throwing Damiano down onto the bed beside you. Just like that, you had been snapped out of your cute moment with Thomas and back to the reality of the mother of the group.

"oh dear, let's get you cleaned up shall we?" you get up pulling Damiano up with him and take him to the bathroom, stopping at the door to look over at Thomas who just had the biggest grin on his face that you had ever seen. Even though you had been interrupted you knew that things had changed forever and that you'd have plenty of time to carry the moment on later, running a bath for your drunk friend you couldn't hep but smile too, everything was perfect in that moment and you wouldn't have it any other way.

[lightrises]

"Only in allowing her to pass..." — Hornet, The Radiance, and the means by which Hallownest turned its victims against each other

A quick note: I read Hollow Knight as an anti-colonialist text. As such I'll be touching on topics related to colonialism as it's depicted in the world of the game, and said analysis will reflect both a sympathetic take on The Radiance and a critique of The Pale King that won't pull its punches. If this sounds up your alley, hello and thank you for the read! Let us be sad about these bugs together.

———

So!! A while back I realized something about pre-canon that felt rather... "curious" is one way to put it, I think. To wit: for all the effort and scheming and determination The Pale King poured into trying to get rid of The Radiance, neither of his plans involved directly killing her.

Was that his long game? Well, sure, that seems clear enough. His tack changed from luring the moths away from their god and creator to a more literal form of incarceration once the infection became a factor, but at its core the end goal never really changed—The Pale King very sincerely wished to destroy Radiance via obsolescence. The Seer lends us foreshadowing to confirm as much:

[Image descriptions: Two screenshots from Hollow Knight, showing the Seer and Ghost in the Seer's alcove at the Resting Grounds. Across both screenshots, the Seer tells Ghost the following: "None of us can live forever, and so we ask those who survive to remember us. Hold something in your mind and it lives on with you, but forget it and you seal it away forever. That is the only death that matters." End description.]

(Which, by the way and given the context, talk about an extremely unsubtle allusion to cultural genocide huh!!! Whew.)

In any case, we're left with a whole bunch of machinations which build up to... well, two very roundabout attempts at committing deicide. That's kind of weird, all things considered! Why not just do the deed in one fell swoop and get it over with?

This could be for any number of reasons. Maybe the king was devoid of the means to instantly kill another higher being. Maybe his personal sense of scruples stopped him short of signing off on MURDER murder (although, y'know, the aforementioned genocide + eternal imprisonment = still cool and copasectic apparently!). Maybe the long drawn-out cruelty was the point. Maybe the idea of playing fuckign 4D chess with the circumstances was too delicious for him to pass up—that man did love to tinker and stick his claws where they sure as hell didn't belong—or maybe it was a little bit of All The Things. Who knows!!

But interrogating The Pale King's methodology on this count isn't what I'm here for, at least not really. The main reason I raise this question at all is that in her own way, Hornet did too.

"I'd urge you to take that harder path... "

See, going by The Pale King's actions and what The White Lady explicitly says, they both foresaw two outcomes wrt the infection: it can be allowed to spread, or it can be contained. At Teacher's Archives, Quirrel acknowledges the fact that Ghost is expected to do... something about this, but he doesn't elaborate on what HE thinks that's supposed to be apart from the obvious "Gotta bust into Black Egg Temple first". Hornet is the one person who presents to us—to Ghost—what's framed as a third option: confront and destroy the infection at its source.

And she doesn't bring it up like it's just another tactic for Ghost to consider, prim and indifferent to what they would do. She nudges them towards it, actively, up to the point where she throws herself into the fray against Hollow at a juncture that's uniquely dangerous to her and her alone just to make that option feasible.

Even when she's couching it in disclaimers that this is still Ghost's decision to make (and let's be fair, she's extremely not wrong about that lol), no one can pretend Hornet is unbiased. It's obvious in that buttoned-down Hornet kind of way that she is way the hell done with the increasingly tenuous stalemate that's kept Hallownest's desiccated corpse from collapsing in on itself. Personally it's hard for me not to read some Toriel Undertale-esque "My father was too entrenched in his own foolishness to pursue any course of action that would have DEFINITIVELY ended this" shade into her stance here, regardless of whether that's strictly true in canon.

And that bit—Hornet's hopes for an end to Hallownest's stasis, moreover her grim calculation of what needs to be done to get there—that's the bit I find super interesting but likewise tragic and depressing as shit, on multiple levels. In no small part because a) canon itself gestures towards Hornet feeling conflicted about the very plan she's pushing, and moreover b) she has at least two (2) damn good reasons to feel that way.

So, what do I mean by that? Let's look here first:

[Image description: A screenshot from Hollow Knight, of Hornet and Ghost inside the Temple of the Black Egg, standing in front of the unsealed egg itself. Hornet has been struck by the Dream Nail and her dialogue is displayed as follows: "... Could it achieve that impossible thing? Should it?" End description.]

As the curtain is about to drop on things one way or another, Hornet thinks,

... Could it achieve that impossible thing? Should it?

Now, looking at that last bit it's easy to go "Oh no, Hornet's worried that Ghost won't survive killing The Radiance!" And I do think that's part of it: Hornet is, categorically, not her father. By endgame it's clear she's not content to view her Void-borne siblings as tools to be used then disposed of. She's also well aware that as a healthy autonomous Vessel amongst the countless dead, Ghost is the only person left alive who has a fighting chance against The Radiance. Knowing someone is the only qualified candidate for the job doesn't make encouraging them to embrace a probable death sentence any less of a bitter pill to swallow, though. And odds are on that this sentiment extends to Hollow too, who IS going to die no matter what happens here. To put it bluntly, it's more than reasonable to conclude that Hornet hates the absolute fuck out of this.

But I don't think that's all there is to it either. Remember what I said earlier about The Pale King's bids for genocide? Well, it's not like the man deigned to limit his efforts to just the moth tribe.

"We do not choose our mothers... "

On top of everything else—an infected Hallownest being all she's ever known, the fact that she only exists because of the infection, the list goes on—Hornet has spent her life wedged into a position that's been uncomfortable and terminally unglamorous at best: she is both a daughter of her father's kingdom and of Deepnest.

Deepnest, which like the moths and many others was here long before the wyrm and his lady wife swanned onto the scene and the God Become Bug laid claim to everything the Light touched plus a considerable amount of change. THAT Deepnest, which has fought claw and thread to retain its sovereignty against same-said settler king, and for which Herrah not only surrendered her life but also agreed to bed her worst enemy, all in hopes of securing a viable future for her people (put a pin in that last part by the way, I'll come back to it soon).

Two Worlds, One Family (Ft. An Indigenous Woman Trying Her Damndest To Work With What She's Got Versus An Imperialist Who Only Signed Up For This Because He Needed The Political Favor THAT Badly, So It's The Height Of Dysfunctional Actually). Fun times!!!!

The baggage this entails for Hornet is gnarly enough without implications made by The White Lady and the pre-canon timeline of events and even Team Cherry's dev notes that the king may well have looked at baby Hornet, gone "YOINK", then ensured she spent the lion's share of her childhood reared within the pearly auspices of his Pale Court*. That would be rather advantageous for Him Specifically after all, the potential to mold a born foe into a future ally and even have her trained in combat under the same tutelage as her doomed sibling. And far be it from him to stop a grown Hornet—his own flesh and blood too!—from making Deepnest her forever home if she so pleased. He totally wouldn't be reneging on his "fair bargain made" by doing this one simple thing until Hornet came of age, not t e c h nic c a l l y.

If that is indeed the case, there's a non-zero chance Hornet's formative years were a hot mess of cultural alienation and being a good deal more privy than most to just how much of a bastard her father could be. There's an equally non-zero chance that at some point she stood or sat within earshot as The Pale King finally, finally dropped all pretense and euphemism to name the Light for precisely what (for who) it was.

See, in conjunction with the question that started this whole dang train of thought I've been asking this one too: Does Hornet know? When she speaks of confronting "the heart of [the] infection" does she know she's talking about not just a literal person but someone very specific? The Radiance, who god though she may be shares skin in the game alongside Hornet as a native woman screwed over by the same settler king, likewise deprived of her kin and saddled with a life gone horrendously pear-shaped?

I'll assume for the sake of exploring the possibility and because I think it's a likely one anyway that yes, Hornet does know. She knows, and despite everything can't help empathizing. She might even look at Radiance and see bits and pieces both reflected and slightly inversed in her own mother: Radiance was forced to the sidelines while her people—her children, the brood she was meant to lead and care for—died out under The Pale King's rule, and it's no stretch to assume she's at least as upset about that as she has been about everything else; Herrah too took drastic measures for her people's sake, trying to head off annihilation by relegating herself to the sidelines in an act that was as much calculated risk as an attempt to find wiggle room and leverage in the face of a nasty proposition.

A calculated risk that, if things continue as they are, might well amount to nothing as the rest of Deepnest gets eaten alive by the infection. It survived The Pale King's advances for so so long, only to fall here. Herrah's sacrifice would be for naught; the other tribes—themselves the king's victims—would keep succumbing to the infection too.

And this is where things fall apart.

"... or the circumstance into which we are born."

Let's be clear: I think Hornet is wise enough to know what's what here, that all the carnage and suffering falls on her father's head for starting this slow-motion trainwreck in the first place. Hallownest wasn't always Hallownest. This domain was Radiance's home first, along with many others. It was the worm-turned-king who rolled up on the scene unsolicited and decided this was a ""'problem""" that had to be """solved""".

But the fact of the matter is that he's gone and The Radiance is here, raging, seemingly inconsolable. Above and beyond being Deepnest's rightful heir, Hornet isn't in a position to countenance more splash damage even if the grief and fury fueling it makes perfect sense. She can understand without ever bringing herself to love Radiance, and she can bend her knee to practicality even if she hates the everloving shit out of it because the fact that it "has" to end this way isn't fair.

This lends itself to one last awful conclusion: that Hornet has probably considered and (rightly or wrongly) discarded the possibility that Radiance can be saved, at least not without dragging more collateral along for the ride. If even her mother and every other enemy to the king seemed to dismiss talking Radiance down as an option way back when... well. Why should Hornet hope for any better after things have escalated so far?

Again, it's practical. A practical net good is what Hornet strives for. And again, it fucking sucks.

For extra tragedy points, this makes Hornet's extended crypticness around Ghost followed by her last minute casting about for a reason to tell them "Wait, don't; not just yet" that she never voices even more of a gut punch. She can't bring herself to burden Ghost with the context that haunts her so, least of all when it might weaken their resolve to go through with what (she thinks) needs doing.

It's the "same song, different verse" which led to the mantis tribe and Deepnest being pitted against each other: Hallownest rigged the game so that two women who could have been powerful allies—who have a mutual vested interest in driving out settler rule—wound up poised as enemies instead. And how awful is that? The king for all his being extremely fucking dead still gets the last laugh, because outside of a miracle the game never manifests Hornet can salvage what her mother started and look forward to a future where Deepnest pulls itself back from the brink if and only if The Radiance dies.

Resolution comes at the price of a completed genocide. Add two more dead siblings to the unconscionable pile thereof, while we're at it. That's what it boils down to whether or not Hornet can bear to articulate it as such, and there's no grace or even a properly bittersweet ending to wring from this clusterfuck. And that is rough.

———

* This has been better explained elsewhere, but a quick rundown: The White Lady tells Ghost that Hornet and Herrah "were permitted little time together." On its surface this can be taken to mean that Hornet was still very young when Herrah was shipped off to Eternal Dreamland—except this doesn't jive with the fact that we meet Hornet as an adult. If the stasis kicked in once the Dreamers went to their rest, which in turn halted the aging process for every living bug in Hallownest, AND before all this Hornet experienced little by the way of quality time with her birth mother... I think you can see where I'm going with this.

To top it off we've got Team Cherry weighing in ominously from their dev notes on Herrah: "As part of the agreement for her alliance and her role as a dreamer, King gave her a child (Hornet). Was she allowed to keep this child or was she taken away?" This isn't confirmation by itself of course, but given additional canon details (see above): Can I get a "yikes" in the chat fellas.

[generalchelseamayhem]

Liberalism

*chorus of boos, some pelted fruit*

Yeah yeah, okay. I see a lot of hatred from both the hard left and the hard right for liberals. Taking the absolute worst examples of both sets of discourses, the right would seem to consider liberals agents of the communist agenda, where the left would consider liberals fascists-in-waiting.

I expect that from the right, but I've been baffled to see it coming through so strongly on the left.

I'm sure I've said this before, but it bears repeating. Political alignment isn't just measured by which positions you take on issues, but also by how principled you are on those issues.I was similarly baffled in Pride Month this year by posts which were like "Actually corporate pride celebrations are good because even if they're just in it for the money, we finally have their support to be out and proud in public!" And I just think of what happened around that exact same time when it came out that Disney was backing homophobic laws in Florida, the backlash from the creator of The Owl House who had to basically distance herself from her own brand- it's not principled support of LGBT people! They don't have your back, they don't care about LGBT people even within their own organisation. You were the ones who provided your own protection. You were the ones who made it easier for yourselves to be out and proud in public. Now you're too large a demographic for corporations to ignore, and they want your money, so they pretend to care even when they don't. If they can get more money at the same time in other areas from homophobes, so much the better.

There are so many times I see people, whose political motivations are clearly that they're just selfish and unprincipled, get called "liberals" by the hard left as if it's written into liberalism as a belief system to stop short of enacting any meaningful change and start, idk, worshipping the military-industrial complex. It's kinda exactly like how "centrist" became a catch-all term for disagreement which roughly translated to "we need to compromise with these genocidal maniacs to achieve consensus on equal rights, which, duh, means we only have to do a little bit of genocide!"

Listen, I can't account for the folly of human selfishness, but on the left, actual liberals are your allies. You gain nothing from making enemies out of them just because some people on Twitter misrepresent their position because it makes them seem friendlier! That's not liberalism, that's just lying! If I had to define liberalism - and I do - I'd have to go to Wikipedia, which talks about things like "the rights of the individual", "consent of the governed", "equality before the law" "freedom of speech/press/religion". And if you asked me to apply that concept to some guy on Twitter who said Racism is Bad, Defund The Police, Equal Treatment Under The Law, but now can only say "At least it's not Trump" as Biden's administration massively increases the police budget... well, I just wouldn't be able to do it.

If we don't get better at making friends soon, liberalism will collapse under the weight of the unprincipled selfishness pressing in from all sides, that says "Freedom of Speech for me, but not for anyone else" or "equal treatment under the law unless you're poor or disabled" or "the governed aren't allowed to protest anymore because it upsets people".

I propose that we start by agreeing to work together, with the caveat that the whole "rule of law" thing needs a shake up, because some laws are inherently unjust and law enforcement has too much power. And the caveat that revolutionary communist utopia is off the table, since one of the conventional wisdoms that informs many of liberalism's core beliefs is that other people have to live in this society, too.

[millenialfanfictionaddiction]

I just found out we will be back to face-to-face (f2f) classes next school year and I am currenty feeling really anxious but relieved at the same time.

Well I am relieved because during the online classes, my grades went down the drain and yes it is understandable since I am not used to online classes. So going to f2f classes would mean I can make up for my grades I have in my report cards. When I found out I wasn't one of the achievers, it was so upsetting and I felt burnt out. Although I may seem like I don't care and I don't because father tells me I don't need them in the future, but I can't ignore that a little part of me does care. I always like seeing mother's proud face, proud of me (I will not tell that to her face)─and I get to have food as a reward lolol. So I am a bit determined to take my place back again to the achievers list before I go to college! ᕙ(⇀‸↼‶)ᕗ

I am anxious because...I have to face people. I love staying at home but I have better academic performance in f2f than online classes, so there's nothing much I can do except to face it. I am so lucky and glad to have a friend who's acquainted with some of the people in class that when there are group works, she'll drag me with her every time. She'll always have a place in my heart. But then there will be times that I have to speak in front of the class. it's those times I dread the most. I have never felt so sweaty and clammy my whole life when I have to speak in front of the class. I am aware I have to work on my communication skills, a lot of work.

Pls how do I become an anonymous in real life too?? I'll be wearing my mask for the entire school year... for safety purposes (and to hide myself).

Well enough of that but uhm thank you for your wise words when I shared my struggles back with C and thank you also to Dragon anon for your comforting words. You made me realize some things. I am very grateful :)) I have accepted my situation and have no struggles of moving on (so far) after what you said.

I offer you and everyone of your children some rice balls 🍙🍙🍙 for my gratitude because food is always the best.

I hope for the best in your life, Ma! Continue doing what you love <3

I'm rambling again... *crawls back under the bed*

~silent anon

Hi silent anon!

First off, f2f school can be so nerve wreaking especially after literally over 2 years of seeing everyone virtually!

Also- just a quick interjection, do not let anyone tell you that Gen Z or Gen Alpha are "weak" generations because as a Millennial, I could NEVER have done virtual school. First off, we didn't even have laptops or tablets 😅 second off, I can't imagine how difficult it would be learning virtually! I couldn't even handle my kids KINDERGARTEN virtually!

*ahem* back on track now! I totally understand your nerves and it's extremely worrisome and scary especially when you've been use to a certain way for so long! It will be nice to work and get your grades back up but please don't be too hard on yourself! You are doing the best with what you have and I know you are doing great!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, in the long run, grades don't matter. What matters is that you try and don't give up!

🥰🥰🥰

[khaleesiofalicante]

Hey! I hope you're doing great Dani.

I talked to you about a month or two ago, about how I was about to take the university entrance exam, how I was not ready for it, that my parents wanted me to become a doctor but never knew what I was going through. That I was confused and I didn't know what I wanted to do, cause I thought I wouldn't enjoy medicine even if I get in. I literally didn't know what I wanted to do with my life.

You were kind enough to answer me patiently, and for that I'm really thankful to you. I came here to say, your words, helped me to get through a tough time.

I told you I didn't know what I wanted to do. And because I didn't have a purpose, I could put all of my efforts into studying. I was always a good student, but recently, it was like I had lost myself through the road.

I thought about your words, and recently came to conclusion that you were right. This is me. This is my life. And this is all I have right now. I was so stressed, because I didn't know what I wanted, but I know now, and it means even if I can't do as well as I should at the entrance exam, I can always find other ways, or try again and understood that I love law. And being a lawyer. When I was 4 years younger, I told this to my parents, but they simply said it was because of the books I read and not because it was what I really wanted. Cause obviously, being a doctor should be what I wanted. And I believed them.

It may seem stupid, or may not, but books always helped me. And reading your IWFY fic, it was like my love for law and being a lawyer came back to me. I thought you should know how great your writing is. I understood what Magnus wanted to do was what I always wanted to do at heart. And yeah, maybe it IS a fantasy, and I can't be as good as him or have an Alec with me who helps me through everything, but I guess I'm willing to try. Cause I want to fight for women rights, help the innocent win what is their rights. I want to make a change. It's ideologist, I know, but I guess I would regret it if I don't follow my dreams today.

I kinda found out about all of a little late, you know? If I had found out about what I truly wanted sooner, I could find my purpose sooner and focus on my studying better. But I'm not upset. I'm still just 18 and have a lot of time. And it's always better to face the reality, however late, than to live a lie.

So regardless of the result of my entrance exam for medicine schools, I WILL follow studying law, it what I want. I know it now. But at the same time, I've always wanted my parents proud, I told you about it before. You told me I don't owe anyone, not even them. But I guess I can't change everything that I've been taught from the beginning in a short time, so, maybe one day, I get there.

For now, their opinion still matters, so I'm gonna do all I have for the exam- which is next week btw- and if I got accepted, I will be studying both of them. I asked around and they told me it's possible so I'm not gonna sit down and let it go! I will study both of them till the day I decide which is more important to me, but I guess they won't come for a long time.

Finding out my interest in law, was like finding out a missing puzzle. I've always been told I was never hardworking enough for achieving my dreams. That everything I got was because I was lucky enough to have a smart brain. But now I understood I was never hardworking enough, because they were not MY dreams. They were other's dreams for me. And I get it, doctors mostly have a good life, and that's what my parents want for me. But I know what I need to be happy, and that's a purpose. And now I found it, and it was an amazing feeling. To think that, yes, this is it. I have found what I've always wanted to do with my life.

So, sorry again for my LONG rant, but I thought you deserve to know how much of a help you have been to someone you don't even know. And it shows how much amazing your words are. You're so kind, please never change!

And please, thanks @magnus-the-maqnificent in my behalf, she offered to speak to after my last comment, she said she was in the same situation, but I was so lost that I didn't really have the heart to do it. And now I'm kind of busy because of the next week exam, but I want her to know I really appreciate her kindness, thank you all.

PS. When I become a lawyer one day, I'm gonna print your IWFY book, and keep it in my office. Cause it means a lot to me. Thank you again! Have a great day!!!

I am so so so proud of you. I literally don't have the words to tell you how proud of you I am.

You are in the right path, my love. You have got your shit under control. And that is fucking amazing. So proud!

I get that there are many hurdles to cross. But you know who you are, even if others don't and other's might not understand. But you know it. I feel like that solves half the problems. The clarity helps. It helps so much. I am so glad you have it now.

It is NOT late for you. I work as an gender and sexuality advocate now. But I had no fucking clue that's what I wanted to do until I was 19 years old. But I figured it out and then followed that dream.

Every day I learn a little more about myself and the dreams I have keep changing. It's a not bad thing. It's a part of being human. Wanting better things and wanting to change is what we do as human beings.

It's never late to pursue the things that make you happy. Remember that. Always.

I know you want to make your make your parents proud. I do so too. Sometimes I feel like it's a biological need that we have. The need for their validation? The need to make them proud?

But remember that pride is a feeling. You can give them that feeling in more than one way. If you want to make them proud, make them proud. That's a good thing. But just remember that being a doctor is not the only way to do that. What they want is success and there is more than one way to be successful.

If this is your destiny, I wish you all the best with it. Gender law/discrimiantion law/women's law is one of the best fields out there. If you need help with this (since I work in a similar background) you know where to find me.

I know you are a good student and you will do amazingly. But take it easy. You don't have to decide now. You don't have to figure out which path you want to follow right away. I think it's very sensible of you to test both and make your decision later. Just don't push yourself too hard. Always go easy on yourself, cause no one else will make it a priority.

Finally.

Oh, my love. My heart is so full that IWFY Magnus helped you so much. He is such a beautiful man - just like Magnus in any universe. He has inspired me so many times. I've always been inspired by his kindness, his need to do better and be better.

He doesn't settle. Not for Alec. Not for anyone. Magnus knows his worth.

That's what I want for myself. To know my worth.

And that's what I want for you too.

I don't what you are going to decide or what you are going to do. But I know one thing.

You might not know whether you want to be a lawyer or a doctor.

But it is so clear to me that you want to use your knowledge, your strength and your skills to help those around you.

You want to be useful. You want to make the world a little better. Just like Magnus does. Just like I do.

Here is the thing - there is no right way to do that. You do what you can and hope it makes the world a little better.

There is a different between what you are and who you are.

What you are - whether a doctor or a lawyer - can change with time.

But who are you doesn't change.

And who you are is a good fucking person.

Good luck with your exams.

Sending you all my love,

Dani x.

[besanii]

oh god i just saw the angsty shippy prompts you just reblogged and now i have to brace myself for angst for DAYS ㅠㅠ and because your writing always makes me feel All The Emotions i just know i'm going to feel like i've been punched in the solar plexus each time i see (and read, and re-read) an update and its reblogs... anyway i feel like this would be a fun one "i can't always help when you're in trouble" whichever ship you choose! ^^

He wakes to a dull, rhythmic throbbing in his head. There’s an itch on his nose that is growing more and more irritating by the second, but his body feels like it’s being crushed by a dead weight and his arm won’t move. The most he achieves is a tiny twitch of his right hand; it brushes up against something warm, and then he hears a sharp intake of breath close to his ear.

“Wei-xiansheng,” a familiar voice says. “Wei-xiangsheng, are you awake?”

He groans.

“My nose itches,” he croaks. His lips are dry and his mouth feels like sandpaper. “And my throat hurts.”

“That would be the anaesthetic wearing off,” another voice says. “If you’re not feeling nauseous, we can probably get you something to wet your mouth.”

‘Thanks’ is what he tries to say, but it comes out more like a garbled ‘auuaagh’. Nevertheless, a cool, wet cloth is pressed to his lips and he sighs gratefully at the soothing sensation. He opens his eyes slowly once it’s taken away, wincing at the way his eyes seem to have been caked shut; the first thing he sees is a very handsome, albeit very concerned pair of pretty honey-coloured eyes watching him.

“Hey,” he rasps. “Hey, gorgeous.”

A tiny frown appears in between those perfectly shaped brows.

“Wei-xiansheng,” Gorgeous says. He frowns.

“Don’t call me that,” he complains. “You should call me by my name.”

Gorgeous sighs. Put-Upon is a very nice expression on him.

“Wei-xiansheng,” he says again. “How are you feeling?”

“Mm,” he says coherently. “Better now that you’re here.” A deeper frown, and a pressure around his hand. “Ooh, you’re holding my hand. That’s nice. I like that.” He pouts when the hand is quickly retracted, but is rewarded by the adorable sight of reddened ears instead, so he lets it pass. “Fine. I’m uh—dizzy, kind of. Thirsty. Oh—uh, my shoulder hurts?”

“That would make sense,” the other voice says from somewhere on his other side. “Considering that’s where you were shot.”

A woman with a stethoscope around her neck is poking at the tablet in her hand as she studies his chart. She gives him a Look over the top of her glasses as she details the extent of his injuries.

“You were very lucky this time, Wei Wuxian,” she says sternly. “A couple of millimetres off and it would have nicked a major artery. I’m a world-class surgeon, but I can’t work miracles—not if you insist on putting yourself in unnecessary danger all the time.”

“In my defence, Qing-jie, it was completely necessary this time,” he says cheerfully.

Wen Qing raises the tablet over her head as if to smack him over the head with it. Wei Wuxian pouts and gives her his best puppy dog eyes, but Wen Qing does not buy it. She usually doesn’t, but her features soften anyway and she pats him on his uninjured shoulder before she leaves. 

“Don’t let him get out of bed,” she instructs his companion. “Got it, Lan Wangji?”

Lan Wangji nods. “Thank you, Wen-daifu.”

And then it’s just the two of them, in this too-sterile hospital room, staring at each other. The little crease is still there between Lan Wangji’s brow, and Wei Wuxian’s nose is still itchy, but it feels a little too awkward to be taking care of that particular problem now. He clears his throat and looks away with a wry grin.

“Hey,” he says again. “Thanks for today, Lan Zhan. Really. Don’t know where I’d be without you.”

Lan Wangji says nothing, but the hand resting on the sheets beside his curls into a fist. His face is impassive as always, but there is a twitch in the muscles of his sharp jaw that gives away the extent of his displeasure. Wei Wuxian shifts around, adjusting his position in bed and winces at the discomfort in his shoulder still dulled by the effects of the anaesthetic. Being the subject of Lan Wangji’s disapproval has never been a pleasant experience, but it feels different this time.

He stretches his index finger and taps the knuckles of the fist resting beside him.

“Hey,” he says softly. “Don’t be upset, Lan Zhan. I’m fine. Look!”

Lan Wangji’s frown deepens and the corners of his mouth turn down imperceptibly as he drops his gaze to the bed.

“You should not have done it,” he says stiffly. Unhappily. “You were the target, you should have stayed behind me—”

“Aiya, Lan Zhan,” Wei Wuxian says with a click of his tongue. “I couldn’t stand back and do nothing, could I? You could have been shot!”

“And now you’ve been shot!” The force behind his words startle Wei Wuxian into silence. “Wei-xiansheng. I am your bodyguard. My job is to protect you. Not the other way around.”

Wei Wuxian gnaws on the inside of his cheek and looks up at the ceiling. The tiles are plain and white, as sterile as the rest of the room. It makes his skin crawl.

“I didn’t want you to get hurt,” he says finally. “Not for me.”

“That is my job,” Lan Wangji reminds him. He sighs, frustrated. “Wei-xiansheng, we’ve been over this. Your personal safety should be at the forefront of your concerns.”

“Your brother tells me to leave the worrying to you,” Wei Wuxian says with a wry grin. “That as long as you’re here, I’ll be in safe hands. Or is that not true?”

It is clearly the wrong thing to say, because Lan Wangji’s knuckles turn white and the sheets crumple and twist beneath his fingers. He’s shaking so hard the bed begins to trembling, just slightly, but enough for Wei Wuxian to feel it rattle. He opens his mouth, ready to placate him, but Lan Wangji is faster.

“We cannot protect you if you do not protect yourself first,” he bites out through gritted teeth. “You keep—throwing yourself into dangerous situations without thinking. It was pure luck that you weren’t hurt, or killed any of those times before—”

“Well, not just luck. You’re just really good at your job,” Wei Wuxian interjects. He shrinks under Lan Wangji’s glare, chastened. “Sorry, please continue.”

Lan Wangji exhales and relaxes his grip on the bedsheets.

“I’m doing the best I can to protect you,” he says in a small, defeated tone that weighs heavily on Wei Wuxian’s chest. “But I can’t always be there. I-I can’t always help you when you’re in trouble, Wei Ying.”

Oh. Realisation hits him like a tonne of bricks and he lays there, craning his neck against the terrible pillows, looking at Lan Wangji. His shoulders are slumped, his head bowed; there are dark circles under his eyes and the faint hint of stubble along his jaw, a far cry from his usual crisp, professional demeanour. Wei Wuxian grimaces as a wave of nausea hits him, although he’s not sure if it’s due to the anaesthetic or the guilt churning in his stomach.

Lan Wangji is there immediately, the hurt on his face replaced by concern. 

“Is the wound hurting?” he asks. “I will call Wen-daifu—”

“No, no don’t,” Wei Wuxian says quickly, grabbing onto his hand before he can leave. He feels Lan Wangji’s hand jerk beneath his as if to pull away, and is grateful when he doesn’t. “I’m sorry.”

He chances a look at Lan Wangji and finds his honey-coloured eyes wide and his mouth soft and open with surprise as he stares down at him. It lasts only a second before it disappears behind a mask again, but it’s enough to send his heart tripping over itself and blood rushing to his cheeks. He looks away, chewing on his bottom lip.

“I didn’t mean to worry you,” he continues, staring determinedly at the railing on the other side of the bed. “I just…I didn’t even realise I was moving until I was, you know? I saw the gun pointed at you and my body just…reacted.”

He laughs, blinking back sudden wetness in his eyes.

“I just didn’t want to see you hurt,” he finishes quietly.

He doesn’t dare look at Lan Wangji to gauge his reaction, but he hears the sharp intake of breath and feels the hand in his shift. It turns over and returns his grip, engulfing his hand in a warm, gentle grip.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji breathes. “Wei Ying, look at me?”

His eyes are warm and gentle, tinged with sadness. He lifts Wei Wuxian’s hand and clasps it in both of his, bringing it to his cheek and brushing his lips over the knuckles. The brief contact sends tingles rushing down Wei Wuxian’s arms and his heart does an involuntary little flip. And then Lan Wangji smiles, no more than a tiny little quirk at the corner of his lips, but it is enough to send his heart rate skyrocketing—which is embarrassingly reflected in the sudden spike on the ECG machine still beeping away merrily by his bed.

“Wei Ying,” Lan Wangji says softly, the words ghosting over his fingers. “I don’t want to see you hurt either.”

The matter-of-factness in his tone fills Wei Wuxian with a warm, fuzzy feeling he’s quite sure does not relate to the anaesthetic. He offers him a sheepish little smile and strokes his thumb over the back of Lan Wangji’s hand.

“I’m sorry,” he says in a small voice. “I won’t do it again.”

Lan Wangji huffs.

“Yes you will,” he says with a hint of fondness in his voice. “But thank you.”

Notes:

xiansheng (先生) - Mr

daifu (大夫) - Doctor, nowadays used mostly as a title suffixed to a doctor’s name, rather than referring to a doctor in general (which is yisheng 医生)

This is set in my old Bodyguard AU verse from that prompt list that went around a while back. Uhhh...set somewhere between #2 and #3 probably. But you don’t really have to read them to understand it?

// buy me a ko-fi //