#cause i really doubt theres anyone else on here who has read the books and let alone have a physical copy

[sugaroto]

Me and the all for the game books exist in the same land right now

[curious-menace]

The rogue gallery members general reaction to encountering the batman who laughs and his creepy ass Robin's.

ok id like to preface this by saying that red death batman straight up crucified riddler and decapitated scarecrow and the batman who laughs is MUCH worse than red death batman. 

i want to enjoy the dark knights metal but it is needlessly fuckin complicated with all this multiverse oververse omniverse shit. maybe i just don't have the galaxy brain necessary to get it so i apologize if this is all wrong 

(also i know its canon that the batman who laughs has no rogues gallery left, either because he killed them or joker killed them before he turned but hey ho hypotheticals it is)

also no one talk to me about kiss fan lookin riddler from this verse. im not ready. 

Penguin

i think his first reaction was to laugh. Batman’s finally gone and he took joker with him. I mean he literally calls him "bat gimp". I seriously doubt he anticipated the fallout of batman becoming some sort of hideous joker hybrid. he still chuckled when he started seeing the news. someone calling themselves “the batman who laughs” and “the darkest knight” then he sees the robins, he even recognises damien and it makes him a little sick. he books the next flight out of goodwin before things get too hot. 

shame goodwin was burned to the ground to stop anyone leaving gotham. 

with everyone inside. 

Twoface

i dont think its an exaggeration to say he was absolutly fuckin horrified. it's rare that harvey and two face agree on something, but this bastard has to go. the murder and mayhem he could tolerate, hell even killing the other rogues, some of them needed to be stopped. but having to look at this creature and know it was once bruce? harvey knows better than anyone its a fate worse than death to be trapped in your own mind with someone else running the show. they do their best to stop the darkest knight, bring all the hired guns they can to the fight but it wasnt enough. Harvey dies, but at least he went out trying to do the right thing.

Poison Ivy

She sensed him coming, her flowers screaming at her to save herself. part of me wants to hope she took one look at that abomination and noped the fuck out of there to slaughter swamp or something. but we know ivy, she stands her ground like a tree planted by a river. she looks people like batman and joker right in the eye and down the barrel of a gun and says “no, you move” Shes not a good person, but in this verse she might as well be the hero of the story, maybe the only meta human in gotham who stood a chance against him. The batman who laughs was scared of her and thats why she had to die. if she’d just minded her own business she might still be here but no. She dares the batman who laughs to come for her, she’s going to take him out. for what he did to her plants, to gotham, to HER home and HER friends. unfortunately for her ivy was one of the first on his kill list. She doesn't go down without a fight. ironically it was her human qualities, the human drive to help people that got her killed. she heard one of the robins crying and went to investigate. the batman who laughs doesn't care about those robins, he’s got a basement full of jokerized kids to throw at people. 1 to trick her and a few more to hold her down while he doused the lot of them with weedkiller and gasoline then poof.

i doubt the botanical gardens will ever be the same. 

Scarecrow

part of me wants to say he’s loving this. He’s enjoying all the suffering and sadness and fear as the batman who laughs murders everyone and everything from the dandelions upwards . but he cant, not just because he’s not the one causing it. this is fear without meaning or purpose, this is killing hope so thoroughly that there is nothing left for people to fear, not even death. he’s not so foolish as to think he wont also be on the batman who laughs chopping block. so he makes himself scarce, works on a toxin that might be able to stop him or even slow him down so someone has a shot at it. Jon knows hes going to die, its only a matter of time before that thing calling itself the darkest knight sends one of his minions to his doorstep. He’s been working on something to try and help the rabid robins. he has a small soft spot in his cold obsidian heart for kids and looking at these creatures makes him physically ill. 

he thinks hes made a breakthrough, thinks he’s finally got a formula that will effect batman and the joker and hopefully, whatever abomination they’ve become . he decides theres no time like the present to try it out when word of the other rouges deaths reach him. he’s the last one left and thats....well its scary. His surprise attack works, the robins go down without a fight, screaming and scratching at their faces, their throats and each other. regrettable but if he stops the darkest knight now, maybe jon can help them. Just when he thinks he’s got him, scarecrow goes down. so close, he falls at the finishing line, his toxin having as much effect as a gentle summers breeze. Much like the original scarecrow , the batman who laughs likes using guns. For jon however? he makes an exception. poor scarecrow gets eviscerated by his own scythe, pilfered from arkham asylum by the batman who laughs. gotta love the classics, right?

Riddler

Riddler was second on his kill list. only because the batman who laughs knew how much it would annoy riddler not to be at the top. He’s another rogue who stood a chance of stopping him if he really tried. sadly edward is nowhere near as altruistic as harvey, and could never be as strong as ivy. He likes to think his escape is for everyone's benefit. live to fight another day and all that. He learned from harvey and pamelas mistakes, took one look at this new batman and his creepy kids and said “fuck that noise” and tried to run. except he didn't really try. god if he’d only gotten out of the city, he would have been the only rogue that survived. the batman who laughs looks at him like a pathetic insect, unworthy of notice. he’d have killed riddler eventually, maybe put him in a riddle with no answer or a trap with no escape for extra irony points but he wasn't about to stop the little green cockroach from skittling away.  but of course, riddlers ego got in the way; he just HAD to try and best this new batman, no matter how much he scared the shit out of riddler he just HAD to try. and of course, pride comes before downfall. 

The batman who laughs helpfully provided riddler with some rope to help break his fall. 

Harley Quinn

some part of her was happy to have joker back. he was different, scarier but she was used to the abuse. what she wasn't used to were all the kids. she recognised damian wayne but didn't quite put the pieces together to realise it was bruce under there. she thought maybe he was just a random casualty . she tried hard to look after the kids but they act like animals rather than humans, there was nothing she could do.As time went on she found it harder and harder to sit at the right hand of this clown prince of horrors. harley has always been along for the ride, but how are you supposed make the whole world laugh if everyone in it is dead? i dont know what happens to harley in this world. either she leaves and much like joker, the batman who laughs fails to notice, shes killed by him because he was bored or she does when the world is destroyed by barbatos. either way, no happy endings here. 

Thanks for this incredibly depressing ask Ghostly T-T

im kidding, im kidding it was fun! it makes me wish i knew what the everloving FUCK was going on with this verse so i could enjoy it properly. the only comic store i know of has been closed since like march of last year and i don't know what im looking for on amazon to actually order them. i have 1 issue of nth metal but it was interesting enough that i want the collection.

if anyone knows what the collection is actually called hmu bc i wanna buy it. 

yes i could read it online but i like owning the hard copies. 

got something you wana talk about? send me an ask or a dm!💜💙🧡💛💚❤️

[mousehole5000]

 this is it... the final post.... 226 through THE END!!!!!

this shit with mu qing and the river of lava is SOOOO dramatic im loving it

oh my god theyre on a FUCKING bridge of course they are okay let’s go boys

“You’re right. We’re alike. You think me odd, I think you to be rather weird too.” - so what im getting from this is that xie lian and mu qing are the only characters in this book with working gaydar okay yup got it this checks out

god... the fact that xie lian is ready to be like “look mu qing we can just forget about the past it doesnt matter we dont have to be friends i know you dont like me but im not gonna let you die over it” and then mu qing is like “.... god i really do admire you huh”

“You...certainly...are rather amazing. You’re...also...a better person...than me. Long story short, I...very much wanted...to become your f-f-friend.”  - going to think about this for the rest of all time im about to become utterly unintelligible im overcome with emotions

“And, at the end of the white silk band, Feng Xin was gripping Ruoye with one hand while the other was holding on to a steel-faced Mu Qing, and he shouted towards him.” - the fucking IMAGE of this im gonna cry this is everything i could have asked for im so happy also mu qing dangling there like “ welp. guess ill live“

“Feng Xin was almost burnt by that pillar of fire, and he shouted in outrage. “WHAT’S WITH THIS BAND OF DOG SHITS, ATTACKING PEOPLE WHILE THEY’RE DOWN, SO VILE! FUCK YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY!” Xie Lian responded, “IF THEIR ENTIRE FAMILIES ALL LOOK LIKE THAT, YOU SURE YOU WANT TO FUCK THEM??” - theyre so funny!!! and theyre best friends!!! theyre joking together now in the middle of all this i could cry theyre back!!!

“Using sticks as arrows, he held the bow with one hand and used his teeth to bite back the bowstring.” - no clue how practical this is but okay archer boy. hot

i actually have so many little quips between the three of them highlighted but we’d be here all night if i included them all. im literally so delighted by this omg worth the wait

“Each sabre strike slashed to the bone. It wasn’t like Xie Lian had never seen Hua Cheng use the sabre before in the past, but his style had always been easy and leisurely, nonchalant and casual. Rather than say he was handling a weapon, it was more like he was toying with a small knife. Yet those blade marks were filled with killing intent. It was easy to imagine just how skilled the one exchanging blows with him was, and how perilous this battle.” you have no idea how mad i was when i read this and thought we missed witnessing the fight between hc and jw omg

“Behind him, Feng Xin muttered, “Dear fucking god, may all the gods and buddhas grant their blessings, that better absolutely be Crimson Rain Sought Flower, otherwise he’s gonna go mad!” “Stop your rubbish,” Mu Qing berated. “We’re all the gods and buddhas ourselves and we can’t grant shit, just keep up with him! Look at the stumbling way he’s running, he’s gonna trip and fall to his bloody death before he even sees the man!” - okay i know i said no more quips but this is literally too funny i just wanted to read it again

“ However, for whatever reason, that vicious ghost, in its muddled state, took that large group of live mortals under its wing and fled for many days. In the end, they were still surrounded by millions of ghosts, trapped in a dead end, and it was going to be eaten along with those humans.” [...] “That vicious ghost almost made a move against those humans, but for some reason, in the end, it didn’t. It instead used one of its own eyes as the price to forge a blood weapon. That vicious ghost was already forcibly hanging on with its last breath; after digging out its eye it should’ve broken apart completely. Yet somehow something had shocked it, and it instead woke to its senses completely. “ - THIS IS AMAZING ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? IS THIS ALL WE GET ABOUT HIS GHOSTLY LORE?????? HUA CHENGGGGGGGG

“What a terrible offence, his old habit had come out, and he quickly apologized. “I’m sorry! You don’t have to listen to me!” Hua Cheng, however, only smiled happily. “Everything gege tells me is the best advice, so why wouldn’t I listen?” - this isnt the fucking time afjdkfjsdkl they really never stop

“So you can hold the illusion of a perfect Crown Prince of Wuyong to face and dismiss the Jun Wu now. Isn’t that your objective? Did you think I don’t know what you’re thinking?” “THAT’S NOT IT!” Guoshi cried. “Stop getting tied up in right and wrong, victories and defeat, I’VE NEVER THOUGHT THAT WAY BEFORE!” - jun wu only being able to see xie lian as his successor and believing that thats all anyone else sees too... okay

honestly this whole final showdown was a blast i cant put everything in but it was so much fun to read. the DRAMA the LAVA the SHOUTING t

“Hua Cheng had poured too much spiritual power into him. There really was too much, so much that it was completely outside the amount the cursed shackle could withstand.” - okay.... okay... the love you give will set you free... okay....

“With Jun Wu in his grip, he carried both their bodies and forcefully slammed into the incomparably-solid rock wall! He used all of his power in this smash, and in the rumbling and crashing of rocks, he also heard the sound of something breaking.” [...] “A moment later, Jun Wu suddenly asked, “That move. What is it called?” “...” Xie Lian raised his sleeve and wiped away the blood on the side of his face. “Shattering boulders on the chest.” YES!!!!! YES!!!!! xie lian actually lived that life!!!!!! i loved this detail so much

“After a moment of silence, Xie Lian took off the bamboo hat carried on his back, took it in his hand, and covered it over Jun Wu’s face.” - xie lian... good... another detail i love. a hat that protects from the rain, given in a moment of need, even to someone who has caused you hardship... we do not forget the kindness granted to us

“There was gratefulness, there was shame, there was heartache, there was wild joy, but above all else, there was incurable love.” - :pleading: i wish it was just that easy tbh. “i have to tell you about the worst parts of myself” “ive already seen them and i dont care i still love you“ truly the dream

“ It’s been so long since anyone listened to me talk, won’t you stay? Don’t...actually do this. I won’t be able to take it. Twice, it’s been twice already! I really don’t want there to be a third time!!!” - the bit about just wanting someone to listen to him talk... xie lian... :(

emily corpse bride moment.... i knew it had to happen.... butterflies.... death and rebirth.... inevitable

xianle trio bickering about ruoye..... mu qing complaining but not letting anyone else fix it... im so happy

“The Rain Master sat down on the spot, looking like she was going to perform a passing service for her. After all, Xuan Ji was the only one left of the Kingdom of Yushi besides herself.”  - xuan ji you sure the hell were... a character. this little moment tho..... yushi huang... many thoughts

“ Who hasn’t made promises, or swore to the mountains and the seas when they were young? Talking of affection, of love, of forevers. But, the longer I hang around in the world, the more I understand, something like ‘forever’ is impossible. It’s never going to be possible. Having it once was already good enough. No one can truly achieve it. I don’t believe in it anymore.” - jian lan im happy for you bummer it didnt work out with feng xin but yeah that was looooong ago. also this quote me same mood kin but its chill. having it once was already good enough

although yeah tbh if theres anyone who can have a forever like that... it would be a ghost and a god

fasdfjadklfj GOD... pour one out for ling wen.. but is that not the truth of this world? the one can be pardoned for being good at paperwork that no one else wants to do? isnt that the plot of the shawshank redemption?

okay but the fact that all xie lian’s friends come to visit him while he waits for hua cheng is making me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.... fengqing coming together to try to get him out of the house but get scared off by his cooking... amazing

“Last time, they spent eight hundred years running towards each other. This time, it only took an instant to fall into each other’s embrace.” - im completely unaffected by this. im not lying i swear (i am lying im very emotionally affected)

okay i love this final wrap up chapter party its so fun. mu qing moving on from the broom thing!!! good for him!! the beggars get their reward!!! the fun ghost city chefs!! SQX!!!! and he xuan is?? here too??? he’s hungry??? fjadlkfjsdl

“The grounds that Feng Xin and Mu Qing had just swept were once again filthy from that giant crowd of muddy feet. Mu Qing gripped his broom, looking like he felt someone had infected him with fleas, and his eyes were wide.” - me when my dad comes into the kitchen when ive just finished washing dishes i get it king

the little folklore bit... fun!!! oh my god its over..... :(

that was really fun i had a blast reading it and on the whole really liked it i WISH soo badly that hua cheng had gotten more outside of being cunty and devoted even tho those are both important i just wish there was more about like how he got by during those 800 years and like did he ever have doubts? what shaped his worldview was it all xie lian or was it his experience as a mortal as well? why is he so mean to e’ming? theres bits and pieces here and there and i know it was already SO long but that really would have been great if there was more about hc cuz tbh by the end, at least for me, the hualian relationship didnt actually feel as fleshed out as the xianle trio relationship like i still liked hualian’s dynamic and it was really sweet how much they clearly really liked each other and  everything but i kind of wish some of the other subplots had been dropped or diminished in favor of more hc development i think that would have been cool

but anyway thats some of my thoughts and i really did enjoy the hell out of book 5 that was a riot and uhhh thanks to everyone who read these or commented *lends you spiritual energy through a high five*

[wordsandshawn]

Because I'm your boyfriend

Requested: Reader is on tour with shawn and is on her period and jet lag is hitting her really hard and she can’t keep up with time or everything around her and starts freaking out and hyperventilating in the hotel room and her hormones are all over the place and Shawn has to literally ground her and hold her down to calm her down

~~~

You’re not a professional traveler, not even close, which is why it can be so difficult for you when you’re traveling with Shawn. You enjoy it, but it really takes a toll on your body being in a different city every night, and you’re honestly not sure how all these people do it for such long periods of time when you have trouble doing it for a couple of weeks at a time.

Your family tends to have drama, and whenever that happens, they pull you right into it with no regard to where you are in the world or how busy you happen to be. That’s how you ended up in whispered conversation over the phone with your family until three in the morning in the hotel lobby.

When Shawn shakes you awake this morning, only a few hours after you fell asleep, getting out of bed is the last thing you want to do, which is why you groan and try pushing him away. It doesn’t work because you just hear a low chuckle as Shawn leans down, kissing your forehead. “Morning baby,” He mumbles in that raspy voice that still makes your heart beat faster even after all this time. Your eyes flutter open to see your boyfriends unfairly attractive face only inches from yours. You can’t help but smile, the sleepiness slowly dissipating.

“Baby, get up,” Shawn says, softly nudging you.

“Nooooo,” You start to whine until you feel that familiar feeling signaling you’ve started, and you launch yourself out of bed before you’re left with a mess you don’t have the energy to clean up today.

Shawn makes a surprised noise as you disappear quickly into the bathroom. He was not expecting it to be that easy to get you out of bed. Honestly, neither were you, but when nature calls... 

Shawn knocks lightly on the bathroom door. You hadn’t closed it all the way behind you. You’re not ashamed of anything in front of Shawn, and it wouldn’t have bothered you if he walked right in, but he doesn’t. He stays on the other side of the door. “Y/n, are you okay?”

“Yeah,” You hesitate. Its your fault for not planning for this. You should have been paying more attention, but theres been so much going on and you haven’t been thinking about your period which is why you have no tampons with you. After silently cursing yourself for not listening to your friend who told you to get the period tracker on your phone, you make a mental note to do that next soon, but that doesn’t change the situation you’re in right now. You know Shawn is still hovering on the other side of the door, probably wondering what’s wrong. So you say. “I need a favor.”

“Anything.” His voice comes through the space.

“Can you go buy me tampons?” You ask, holding your breath. Shawn has never given you a reason to believe he wouldn’t do something like that, but you’ve had past boyfriends who were entirely freaked out by the idea of your period. 

“Oh.” He sounds relieved, but you can’t be sure. He might be freaked out by it all, and you wouldn’t blame him. Shawn has always been understanding, but you’ve never asked him to actually go to the store and get you tampons. 

The extra layer to it that your other boyfriends never had to deal with and still wouldn’t go for you, is that you’re sure for Shawn, going to the store will be an endeavor in itself, seeing as there are probably fans outside, and you immediately feel guilty. You know that people make store runs for Shawn or for the tour all the time, but this is different. Its normally Josiah running to the store when he has a free minute for mustard or something. That is not this. 

“Actually, it’s okay—” You start to say, but he interrupts you.

“No, baby, of course I’ll go. I was just worried at first it was something bad. Can you just text me the brand and type just exactly what I'm looking for so I can get the right one?”

You sigh in relief, “Thank you, Shawn.”

“You’re okay here for now?” He questions, still on the other side of the door.

“Yes.” You call back.

“Okay, I’ll be as quick as I can.” Shawn says before quite literally rushing out the door, and you hear the hotel door slam behind him. 

While he’s gone, you finish getting ready. Shawn returns less than an hour later, with two bags full of stuff from the store.

“Hi love, how are you feeling?” He questions, walking in. 

“I’m good, what did you get?” You sit up, curious because he has two bags in his hands. 

He places the bags at the foot of the bed and starts pulling things out. “I got two boxes of tampons because I didn’t know how much you needed.” This causes you to chuckle, and Shawn only shrugs in response. “And I got you this because Aaliyah said it’s supposed to help with cramps, or something like that.” He shows you a bottle of Midol.

“You talked to Aaliyah?” You question, eyebrows raised at how awkward that conversation must have been, but he doesn’t seem fazed by that. 

“Yeah, I needed to know what else to get, and I knew if I asked you, you’d just say the tampons and that’s it.” He’s not wrong, you wouldn’t have asked him to get all of this extra stuff, but you’re so grateful he did. You’ll have to thank Aaliyah later for giving Shawn spot on advice.

“This is also supposed to help with cramps.” He says, pulling out a heating pad. “And I got tea, and water.” He says, pulling out a box of chamomile tea and two big bottles of water, placing everything on the bed.

You thank him again, taking a tampon and going into the bathroom. When you return, Shawn ask, “Are you up for breakfast?” And of course you agree, not wanting to hold anyone back, knowing that there’s a set plan for the day laid out, and it starts with breakfast, something you’ve probably already pushed back a while, throwing off the rest of the day. The last thing you ever want to do is mess with the schedule, so you’ll do everything you can to not interfere with it any more than you already have. 

-

You knew that you’d be extra emotional today because of your period, but you didn’t expect it to feel like this. You’re overwhelmed and emotional. All day, you’ve felt out of sorts, like it’s taking all of the energy you have just to exist. You’ve tried so hard to keep a smile on your face, to have a good attitude and be supportive of Shawn, but you’ve had cramps and a mild headache all day despite taking the Midol. You haven’t had a chance to use the heating pad, but you’re glad its there, and you’re hoping to take it to the venue and rest in Shawn’s dressing room later, as much as you’ll hate missing the show, you just don’t think you’ll make it if you have to stand and walk around during the show. 

You’re back at the hotel with the whole crew for a little bit. They just finished having a crew meeting, something you sit in on while you’re on tour with Shawn, so you know what’s going on. Everyone is milling around the hotel room, just hanging out for a bit before its time to go to the venue.

Your family has still been texting back and forth. Everyone is mad, and everyone is texting you about their problems with every other member of the family, and you’re caught in the middle You’re trying to be there for them, and be there for Shawn, and hold it together yourself, which is quickly proving to just be too much for you to do. 

You’re sitting off to the side, lost in thought by yourself when Shawn comes to stand in front of you. “Hey, what’s wrong?” He questions softly, being able to read you like a book.

You’re seated in the oversized chair, your knees pulled up to your chest because of the pain shooting through your stomach, and you don’t even know where to start on his question of what’s wrong. You’ve been holding everything in, trying to keep from letting Shawn know what a struggle the day has been because he’s been so busy working. Soon he’ll be getting ready for his show tonight, and you don’t want to worry him.

Even though you don’t want to tell him, he’s staring down at you with the most caring look in his eyes. He’s just asking to know what’s wrong, genuinely concerned for you, and it makes you unravel right there in front of him, in a room full of people. “I’m just feeling really overwhelmed, and it might just be my period, but I don’t know. My stomach hurts, and I have a headache, and my family is fighting, and I'm sorry that I'm not being as supportive as I should be.” The words come tumbling out in one breath. You feel like you’re about to start crying, but the idea of everyone seeing you falling apart freaks you out. You don’t want to cry, but the more you try to hold in your feelings, the more they come right out. You tend hold your breath when you get to this stage of a freak out. Shawn notices immediately, kneeling in front of you so he’s more eye level with you.

He sees everything happen, almost like he’s able to read your mind as you freak out internally. He takes your hand, “Breathe, baby.” He whispers urgently, while still trying to remain calm to avoid freaking you out any more than you already are. “Y/n, breathe.” He reminds you again, and you’re trying, really, you are. He looks around, no doubt looking for a way out, torn between knowing you don’t want to be in this room full of people anymore and worrying that it’d be worse to make you move right now. “Let’s go.” He finally says decidedly, and you’re not in any state to argue right now.

He gently takes your hand and leads you outside into the silent hallway. He lets you back up into the wall beside the door, your back pressing flush against the wall, letting you hold onto the steadiness of the unmoving wall. He stands in front of you, “Y/n, I need you to breathe, okay?” You hear the tiny hint of panic in his voice, even though he’s trying hard to stay calm.

“I’m okay. It’s okay.” You say, after sucking in a few paranoid breaths. 

He wraps his arms around you, holding you closely in his secure embrace. “I got you. You don’t have to hold it all in, you can tell me that you’re having a shitty day or feeling shitty or even if you don’t know what you’re feeling, you can tell me, and I’ll try to help you figure it out. This is something Shawn has reminded you of several times in the past. He’s promised to be there for you because he knows you tend to hold things in. 

You rest your cheek against his shoulder and he gently rubs your back, still holding you close. Your thoughts may still be racing, but at least Shawn helps you feel contained. 

“I’m just tired, I think?” You finally whisper. Your hormones are causing you to feel so emotional for a reason you can’t quite understand. You’re still overwhelmed, even though you know that you shouldn’t be feeling that way right now, you can’t help it.

"Lets go back to our room, and we can rest.” He suggests, soothingly after a few more seconds. .

“No,” You immediately respond. “We have to leave, for the venue.” You remember then talking about it at the meeting. Everyone should be heading off to the venue soon to finish getting set up. 

“That can wait, we can just rest.” He responds, without missing a beat. 

You’re getting more keyed up. You don’t want to be the reason that he isn’t able to soundcheck or he feels thrown off for the show. “No, we have to go to the venue.” You respond your mind still rushing in several different directions.

He steps back a tiny step so that he can look into your eyes, placing a hand on each of your shoulders, the contact serving to ground you. “Y/n, listen to me.” He says in a voice that means business, then more kindly, he says,  “Breathe.” before continuing, telling you exactly whats about to happen. “We’re going to go back to the hotel. And then I’m going to make you some tea and figure out how to work the heating pad because I'm your boyfriend, and that’s what I do.” Just hearing these words from him makes you feel so much better. You instinctively lean forward, and Shawn wraps his arms around you. “I got you,” He whispers the words that you need to hear. 

Shawn takes your hand and leads you down the hall to your shared room where he unlocks the door and lets you in first. And then he does exactly what he said he was going to. He makes you tea, gets the heating pad to work, and crawls into bed, cuddling you until you really do feel better. 

[aprilwritesabook]

I appolgize in advance for this long ass post haha.

Alright, so here's the deal. This post is gonna be part rant, part confessional, and part inspirational speech. So if your following this blog purely for the updates on my books you can skip it haha.

I know a currently published author. I used to kinda be friends with them in highschool, but it was more like a friend of a friend type deal. But I digress. Point is. They recently released there second book on Amazon. And I really wanna be happy and proud of them, and to see it as an inspirational thing, buuuuut I'm almost 100 sure they are actually a fraud?

And that's not me being bitter. I really really really wish this wasn't the case. But I have the evidence to back this theory up.

1- they claimed that there first book sold out multiple times. And to be fair this one might be at least partially true. Its rated pretty high on amazon, But then again they only have 4 people rate it and three of those people are the editor formattor and artist for the book. Soooo. Yeah I sure hope they rated it well.

2- they are constantly posting stories to there social media that are far fetched at best. They work in a bookstore. And almost every other week its a slightly diffrent story about a customer who "didn't even know" he was the author who would "burst into tears" the second he told them what the book was about because they were just Soooo touched by the message that they wept to a total stranger??? If that had happened even once it would have been an odd occurance. And this is something that apparently happens alllll the time to them. (I hate to drudge up old memes like this, but)

3- this person has recently made a tick tock and a youtube channel. And like, the content isssss questionable? And that's not necessarily a crime or anything. But they give updates about it on social media as if they are speaking to a mass of adoring fans and like...you can see how many subs and views a person has. We know he dosn't have a big fan base. And I know that sounds harsh. But like, some more gullible people have asked him for advise on how to be "successful" and "gain a following", and he answers them with authority. Like he has the answers even though he clearly dosn't? And that feels really... disingenuous at best?

4- along the same vein as 3. They recently made a post on twitter about how they are "overwhelmed by the amount of love and support they have found on the site" and how they get "some many heartfelt messages." Annnd again. I clicked the account. They literally have 5 followers. And not a SINGLE person has EVER liked, retweeted, or commented on a SINGLE tweet of theirs. Not one. Soooo like not only are you pretending to have a huge fan base that dosn't exist your also making up there engagement with you? Which this alone I feel brings validate to my doubts about the other things. Clearly they arn't above blatant lying and extreme over exaggeration. And also they either don't realize we can all seeeee these facts. Or they don't think anyone will actually check and call them on it ?????

Now there's a lot of other examples I could give. But my point isn't to put this ONE person on blast. I'm not trying to start beef or cause damage to their reputation or anything. Which is why I won't say their name or what there books are. The only way you'd know who I'm talking is if you also knew them in real life. In which case you either already know all this, or you should, so you don't fall victim to their lies.

The reason I'm saying any of this at all is because I think I know why they are doing it. And why so many indie authors or would be media mogels feel the need to do this.

The issue with trying to "build an audience" and "self market" yourself, is that you really only have 2 ways of guaranteed sucess.

You either need to have a pre established audience based on success you've already had in the past. (IE youtubers and movie stars writing successful books cause there fans will buy anything of there's reguardless.)

Or you need to buy your way in. Be it by quitting your day job to make social media your full time job, buying ads, hiring a social media person,or hiring a team of people with their own audiences (audio book narrators, cover artists, managers, ect)

And if you don't ALREADY have an audience, and you don't have the funds to BUY your way in, then your just gonna have to get real lucky.

You can be lucky for knowing somebody with an "in". They work in publishing, or advertising, or they're your rich uncle. Just someone who you can go to to get that boost one way or another to get one of the first two methods going for you.

You can get lucky by commenting the right thing on the right post and gaining followers that way. Or by being in the right place at the right time to meet somebody important.

You can be lucky by having lots of supportive friends and family who will promote you and your work FOR you.

Or lastly (and this is in the realm of being a one in a million case here. So it basically never happens without one of the other things I mentioned also being true.)

You can be lucky by working REALLY hard, and being REALLY talented, and having the world actually NOTICE YOU somehow? Just one person with influence who can find you in your dark hole of insignificance and shine a light on you so now the world can actually seee you.

And that sucks.

You could write the greatest book in the whole world. Truly a masterpiece. But if nobody buys it or reads it because they don't know who you are??? Then it dosen't matter does it?

It sucks Soooo hard.

Because untill you get those people with influence to shine a light on you, theres nothing you can do. And the market is soooooo drenched in new indie authors that the odds of the right people finding and liking your book are slim to none.

Its super unfair.

The people who have the influence arn't gonna buy a book with 0 reviews and no social media following.

Why? Because THEIR brand depends on only recommending the good shit. And they need to find that good shit NOW. If they read every book written by nobody's online, they'd have to wade through ALOT of garbage. wasting all their valuable time and money till they found something worthy. And honestly, from a business stand point, you cant really fault them for that

This is where the lies come from.

So basically no matter how you look at it, or what your strategy is, In order to get fans, you need to ALREADY HAVE THEM.

When your just starting out. And I mean truly at square one. It really feels like the only way to "make it" is to "fake it"

If you PRETEND to have a big following. And you PRETEND your books are selling really well already. And you PRETEND that people care deeply about you and your work... Then there is a chance that nobody will do the homework to find out its all a lie.

And if they think your successful already, then it sends a message to the consumers brains of "well they must be good. Everybody loves it/them".

It sucks that so many people who have found real success did so with lies, cash, and being already well connected.

And then they buy it, and they follow you, and the confirmation bias sets in, and eventually you'll dupe enough people into liking you that you don't HAVE to lie anymore.

Those of us with no cash and too high a conscious to lie our way to the top are left with virtually no chance of succeeding no matter how hard we work or how good our content is.

And I'm not claiming to be "better than" or "more worthy" than anyone else. I wanna make it clear that of your in the portion of having it fake it so you can follow your dreams then more power to you. Its a valid strategy. I hate that it works and I hate that its the only option sometimes. But I don't hate the people as creators for "doing what it takes." I get it. Really I do.

And it suckks major ass that so many people feel like this is the only way.

My whole point here. Is that we have slowly built a system where this is our reality. And honestly? End of the day? There's not a damn thing we can do to change it at this point.

In a perfect world made of unicorns and puppies. I could say "hey lets all go ready books by completely unknown authors. Be the change you wanna see in the world." But at the end of the day, especially in the unfiltered world of self publishing, It would be a complete shot in the dark to spend your resources on something completely unknown. We rely on word of mouth, and "best sellers" and high following to do the work of filtering out the bad stuff for us and it would be unrealistic if not impossible to go back on it now. Even if we wanted to there algorithms and shit built into the code. You'll never find the books that Amazon dosnt want you to find unless you search for it directly.

Now comes the confession/inspirational bit

I know all of the above to be true...But I'm choosing not to care

I'm not gonna lie my way to the top. I'm not gonna hide my struggles out of fear of seeming inferior. So here goes

I struggle a lot with depression and anxiety. I've been working on it, and I've gotten so much better in recent years. But there are always gonna be times when I slip up and my mental illnesses take over

When I was writing my first book I felt really empowered and good about myself for finally getting past all my own barriers and following my dreams.

And then once I was done writting and editing and I was ready to show the world and get feedback. I flopped.

I couldn't find anyone willing to beta read. Those who said they would do it (even people who claimed they "couldn't wait") ghosted me after I actually sent it to them

I was hoping to get 20 people. I really wanted it to be the best it could be. Only 11 actully signed up. Of that 11, 5 people actually read it: My spouse, my brother, my best friend, and 2 others. Those two others read the first bit I sent them, took a few weeks to get back to me, said they loved it, but then Neeeeeeeeever got back to me when I sent them the next chunk.

Now you can look at all that and come to the conclusion that it sucks. I know I sure did.

The struggles at each step made me doubt myself more and more to the point that I almost gave up writing all together.

And I didn't want to take about it or how it was making me feel, even though it was having a serious impact on me. I wanted to bottle it all up and let it consume me. Allllll because I didn't want people online to write me off as a failure before even giving me the chance.

I wasn't lying about being successful. I was just trying to hide the fact that I wasn't.

And that's almost as bad. Because then all the new authors just feel worse about themselves and their journey because they think they are the only ones.

Your not alone.

Everyone is struggling.

We just aren't talking about it.

I haven't written a word in over a week because I've been so afraid my second book will be dead on arrival like my first.

And I KNOW somewhere out there is someone just like me whose thinking of giving up.

Don't.

Just keep going.

Do your best. And then come find another struggling writer and share with each other. The world outside might not understand your struggle. But another author might.

We can't change the market. We can't change the way social media works, or how people decide if they will buy things

But what we CAN change, is whether those of us within the community want to be honest about our struggles and frustrations. Or if we want to hide them away and lie about them for the sake of making more sales

I think by being honest with one another we can create a better network.

That way the next time you feel like garbage for not being an "instant celebrity" like everyone else. you can look at the community and realize that you were never the problem

If we just keep making new writing friends our collective reach will eventually take hold in the outside world. Don't wait for a random influencer to notice you. Just make one friend at a time. Be known amongst your peers and maybe the rest will follow

And if your a writer desperate for feedback, or just a friend to share your troubles with. Hit me up. My inbox is always open.

[hackedmotionsensors]

Im not updated enough w the ships but did stony get wincested? I mean like. In the SPN fandom the biggest ship if not only at first was wincest, and then a new ship appeared called destiel and totally overpowered it? Thered be the common drama of ship wars but i wanted to know if thats what happened?

lol I guess!?!?! Kind of. I don’t think it was so much of an overpowering as it was a massive butting of heads. SteveTony is still a very big ship but Stucky is also a very popular ship though fairly new since most of it stems only from MCU. Kind of different than a ship encompassing only a TV show.

So here’s what happened. The full damned story. Probably fft. its gonna be a long one folks so strap in. This isn’t really a call out but if you were curious as to why there’s so much damned fighting in the marvel fandom over really dumb shit this is an unbiased as possible explanation. Beware. I think the whole thing is dumb but I got some extra time right now.

Back in 2006 and 2007 Marvel Comics decided to have an event. You probably heard about it and they made a big movie about it. Civil War. Civil War was promoted as being a huge rift that cut down through the lines of the Marvel 616 Universe. Do you register and be accounted for your actions as a super human, or do you protect the privacy of yourself and your loved ones in an effort to fight without the limitations of government and the fear you might be policed and punished just for having powers AND put your family at risk of Supervillains (many who are tech geniuses) accessing your information and attacking your loved ones.

That was the premise. What it ended up being was a huge divorce between Steve and Tony. Like LEGIT it read as this HUGE divorce. They’ve fought many times before but they always sort of end up back together as buds. Now as fandom we took that full stop as they are clearly in love. They are divorced.

And now Steve is dead. LETS FIX IT. So since 2006-2007 a huge wave of new fans started writing fanfic. Started doing fanart. We got horny Commander Rogers when Steve eventually came back. Tony wiped his brain and we got fics from that. Steve creates his own team and refuses to give Thor and Tony to Luke to use as Avengers.

Then in 2008 Iron Man 1 is released. A bit later Captain America is released. Having known about the comics before and the rift between the two this is where yours truly gets involved. *Smash bros voice LYDIA HAS ENTERED THE HORNY GAME* 

Captain America being released is also I believe the start of Steve/Bucky. Because in this universe Bucky isn’t a small child/teenager (A Robin to Cap’s Batman) so its less gross. (All things being honest I definitely drew bottom steve with young Bucky hohoho ho)

So then in 2012 Avenger 1 is released. And there’s a fresh wave of MCU fans. A lot came over from being 616/Ultimates fans but a lot were brand spanking new fans. 

And then Winter Soldier was released. And it was a big gay romance between Cap and Bucky and the power of LOOVE!!!! AND FRIENDSHIPP!!!!!! Like in the WInter Soldier comics Steve has to use a cosmic cube to free Bucky’s mind and in the movie all it took was Steve Can-do attitude and his pure kokoro.  Its great.

However. This is when TENSIONS RISE. Stucky being a relatively new ship and SteveTony being a fairly old ship have one common denominator and that’s Steve. And its the typical well this ship is better than that ship. This ship is older than that ship. This ship has more MEANING than that ship. This ship is PROBLEMATIC. And its been going on to this day. It escalated again when Civil War came out. Becaus Civil War is supposed to be a Steve movie but reads as an Avengers movie. But the big point of the movie is like in the comics the splitting of Steve and Tony. A big damned divorce. Now is that divorce a divorce because they can’t find a common ground, or is it that Steve’s love for Bucky over-rides his rational thought and makes him fairly hypocritical because well shit he just loves Bucky so much. He says it to Wanda “Rumlow said Bucky and I...”

It was a movie just asking for shipping wars to happen.

So that’s WHERE this stems from. But here’s the issue. I have no doubt there are plenty of SteveTony fans causing just as much shit as anyone else. But at least from my experience, the Stucky fans have been far and wide more aggressive in harassing artists, even artists who don’t speak English as a first language, harassing the actors, harassing the comic book writers and artists who don’t have anything to do with movies, claiming that they’re homophobic for wanting to have a story with Bucky (who is still in love with Natasha [and that’s a whole other ship war there]) team up with Hawkeye (who is also still mostly in love with Natasha) to hunt down Natasha. When the author said “Hey this story doesn’t have gay people in it unfortunately but here are a list of comics that have gay characters in it” they ignored them and continued saying they were being transphobic. Because the person happened to be a trans man and disagreeing with them was transphobia. Which had nothing to do with what had happened at all. They’re the same fans that in person and over radio harass Sebastian Stan so much that he has to hide who he’s dating. 

They’re the same types of fans who call me a hateful cunt (which..probably true lbr) but I haven’t done anything recently. They’re the types of fans who come up to me at a con and whisper “Are you a stucky or a stony fan” And I (Because I was raised right) tell them “Oh I like both but I have a preference for Stony”. And then the person walks away. I’ve had friends tell me of their own horror stories at artist alleys where Stucky fans will open a book (clearly labeled as stevetony) go “UGH GROSS” and then put it down.

They’re the types of fans who refuse to watch an Iron Man movie but will say things like “I wish Tony would get captured and tortured by Hydra so he would know what Bucky felt like” (Which...omg that’s literally the first 20 minutes of the first iron man and the start of the MCU my dude)

They’ve attacked Thorki (and other ships and don’t get me wrong I get why people would complain about Thorki. Thorki;s generally know and don’t care about those complaints)

They’ve made entire articles on CBR, on Polygon on other internet news pages, as editors they’ve had some feisty tweets that causes some fans to worry that storylines they were enjoying (ex: Bucky/Natasha’s relationship) will get lost and destroyed in favor of a ship.

Now generally. This isn’t anything unusual. These fans exist in every fandom. And I have Stucky friends, (My BFF, one of my coworkers) and we get along just fine. Because we’re old ass ladies who realize that a ship doesn’t define our life. I think Stucky has some of the most jaw droppingly beautiful artwork this fandom has produced.

They just unfortunately have a lot of bad apples that seem to have only time to hassle other people and try to tear down other fans and have the loudest voices.

Also I’m 1000000% not saying that SteveTony fans probably don’t start as much shit as the rest but from my experience and from what I’ve seen SteveTony fans only ever bitch about Stuckys after the fact. After they’ve been hassled or saw something that was really rude or very non-canon complaints (if that last bit makes sense)

Oddly enough it kind of died down a little with the MCU killing half of the cast including Bucky (he’ll be fine I’m sure). But occassionally someone gets a lot of built up energy and wants to come into my ask box and tell me that I’m an elitist shipper.

PERSONALLY. I like to think of SteveTony and Stucky as Coke and Pepsi. You’re going to have a preference for one or the other. And you’re either gonna tell the waiter “I’d rather have a water” instead of the opposite one that you like, just agree and order what they have bc honestly who cares its basically the same or you’re going to be rude to the waiter, complain the entire time, leave a bad review on yelp and not tip him.

[alicedoessurveys]

VERY long survey

Where have you lived throughout your life? 

Birmingham UK

Do you find your job rewarding? 

N/A

What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? 

chocolate

To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? 

I enjoy both, but bagels.

Do you paint your nails? 

yes. although they're not painted at the moment because ive been cleaning the house so much the past couple days and its stripped my varnish off

What’s the last website you signed up for? 

a dating thing

Do you check your email everyday? 

yes, I cant stand having the little red number above the mail app 

Have you created any pages on Facebook?

yes but I dont have them anymore

Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? 

every subject, but especially maths and science 

What’s your favourite song by Dave Matthews Band? 

I dont know any 

Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? 

I dot particularly enjoy talking to anyone :’)

Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? 

yes, we wondered around through the middle of Birmingham at 4am 

Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? 

haha nope

Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover?

yes

Have you ever had a panic attack? 

many, I had to drop out of college because of them 

Are you deathly allergic to anything? 

nope

Have you ever had a mouse in your house? 

nope

Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? 

myself 

Is anyone you know really religious? 

my family

Are your eyebrows naturally thick? 

yes

Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? 

not physically sick, but definitely felt it. the worst experience Ive had with speaking was in college when I had to give a speech then teach a 10 minute class. my throat totally dried up and I literally couldnt speak. everyone just stared at me and I was trying so hard not to cry. longest 10 minutes of my life and as soon as it finished I legged it out the room and burst into tears. 

What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? 

Mary Poppins Returns almost got me but the last film to actually make me cry was Coco. That shit had me SOBBING!

Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? 

yes 

Has a laptop ever burned your legs? 

not really, I put a cushion on my lap normally

Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow?

no

Who was the last person to flip you off? 

probably rhys, as a joke

Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? 

my dad turns 50 next week

Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? 

I have done a few times but they annoy me

Are you good at following directions? 

no no no I get confused very easily

Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? 

yes rhys 

From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? 

if I reach behind me 

When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? 

occasionally, it depends where I am and what im eating 

Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? 

manual 

Are your biceps at all noticeable? 

they used to be before they went into hiding under a layer of fat 

Have you ever seen a walrus? 

nope

When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? 

no, I believe in the ‘what food is it’ and ‘how dirty is the floor’ rules

If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? 

yes. I was supposed to have gone on a camel ride in Tunisia ages ago but I was ill so we didn't get to go 

Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer?

they could be. the number of people getting cancer has gone up a lot since everyone has mobile phones 

When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? 

depends who it is 

Do you tend to jump to conclusions? 

yes. Im an anxious person so im constantly overthinking and I also find people really hard to read and can get

Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? 

yes my brain cant remember important things but when it comes to dates its like a sponge 

Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? 

getting a job

Ever pop someone else’s pimple? 

ew no

How long does it take you to fall asleep? 

about 15 minutes depending on how tired I am 

Do you crack your neck often?

no that freaks me out 

Did you have a weird dream last night? 

not that I can remember, I have been having a lot of weird dreams this week because im ill

Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? 

everyone. especially when im at the theatre, im constantly watching other people and wishing I could act like they can or look like them or have their style 

Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? 

both

In what way are you your own worst enemy? 

every way, I dont look after myself at all 

What activities make you lose track of time? 

sims

When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” 

not really 

Who do you tell your secrets to? 

these surveys 

Who do you live with? 

my parents and our foster kids 

When did/will you graduate? 

I didn't 

When are you moving next? 

I have no idea. probably never 

When is the last time you took a vitamin? 

this morning, im fighting a cold 

Why are you stressed? 

im not too bad right now tbh

Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? 

nope

Where do you keep your birth certificate? 

no clue, my mom has it somewhere 

How many books are in your room?

a lot. I have quite a few on display and a whole bunch hidden away in my closet because theres no space for them anywhere else. I'll include some photos of the books in my room;

(the book on my bedside table in the second picture is actually a lamp that lights up when you open it)

Have you ever been IN a wedding? 

nope

What was the last thing you laughed out loud at?

probably my mom 

Do you have a nickname? Why? 

my family call my bongy or Ali bong, I dont know why.. (my name is Alice)

Have you ever had a bad concert experience? 

nope

When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? 

my mom tells me almost every day but Im like youre my mom of course you would say that 

Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? 

no

Want someone back in your life? 

meh

Are you currently sad about anything? 

actually nope

Are you wearing anything shiny? 

my pj top has glittery silver letters on

How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? 

very, I fall very easily for people who make me laugh

How many followers do you have on Twitter? 

198 (@alicethenerd if ya wanna follow 😉)

Do you sleep with the door open or closed? 

closed. I aint about letting those murderers and monsters just waltz straight in easy peasy 

Have you ever been to the beach? 

yes every summer since I was a kid 

Can you handle blood? 

nope

Do you pay your bills or do your parents?

I pay my own bills. no way my dad would be up for paying my bills, he already digs at me constantly about the fact that I live rent free even though I look after the foster kids and tidy the house more than he does

What’s your best friend’s middle name? 

Connor

Has any place hired you underage for a job? 

not officially

Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? 

yes

Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? 

no

Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? 

no

Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? 

I hope to become wealthy enough to not worry about having enough money to put fuel in my car anymore and to be able to pay back my parents and grandad for everything they've done for me 

Do you remember your first time going to the movies? 

no, but my earliest cinema memory was going to watch Monsters Inc with my dad when it was first released 

Does eating breakfast make you sick? 

if I try to eat before a certain time yes

Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute?

not dying to nope

Book series you enjoyed reading recently? 

im reading eve of man atm which apparently is going to be a series

Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? 

I prefer lying on a blanket, I dont like the feel of grass and I dont like the bugs crawling around 

Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? 

yes, it doesn't have many stamps in because I lost the one that did have lots in and I havent been away much since getting the new one 

Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? 

nope

Do any of your close friends have children? 

no

What do you plan on having for dinner?

we already had dinner, we had chippy

Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? 

I only really like one meal 

Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? 

actually yes, literally a few weeks ago

Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? 

yes, my second cousin 

Have you ever played flashlight tag?

ive never heard of it

Could you call yourself a movie buff?

not really, im a huge movie fan but theres still a lot I need to see 

Have you ever had a piercing get infected?

never had a piercing 

Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? 

dad does it

Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? 

nope nope nope, my legs are not suitable for public viewing :’)

Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy?

not really no. my nan and grandpa’s house is always neat but not obsessively neat. my grandads house is full of clutter because my nan was a hoarder 

About how much can you bench press? 

I dont know, I havent lifted in years 

Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? 

yes

Is anybody in your family a carpenter? 

no

Are you avoiding someone? 

yes

Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? 

I dont have a boyfriend but if I did I doubt id call him monkey

What’s your favorite primary color? 

yellow #hufflepuffpride

What were you for Halloween? 

nothing, I didn't dress up 

Do you have any clothes from Walmart? 

nope, we dont have Walmart here

When did you get a Facebook? 

about 10 years ago 

What color are your eyes? 

green/hazel

What motivates you? 

happiness

Can you walk in heels? 

nope

When was the last time someone asked you your age? 

the other day, my own mother forgot how old I was

Do you keep a journal? 

not really

Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? 

never had vodka

Do you wear a ring on your finger? 

occasionally

What are you doing? 

watching ‘the greatest dancer’ and wondering if this survey is ever going to end 

What’s the last kind of soup you ate?

tomato 

Do you currently have a sunburn?

no. its winter

Who did you last text? 

my sister

Who’d you last call? About what? 

my mom, to ask her to come downstairs and let the dogs out because the baby was asleep on me and there was no way I was going to risk waking her up

Are you currently frustrated with someone? 

yes

Do you drink water or soda more often? 

water

Do you straighten your hair?

yes

When did you last talk to your brother or sister? 

today

What is your least favorite vegetable? 

all of them

Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. 

Rhys, Addison, Jacob

In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? 

IT

Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? 

I didn't really enjoy any subjects at school

When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? 

today. I had planned to deep clean the bathroom but I went super dizzy and had to give up half way through cleaning 

Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? 

I dont but I am seriously considering adopting one of our foster babies atm. I want to adopt anyway, theres no way I could be pregnant 

When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing?Describe it. 

I honestly cant remember, im due a shopping trip

Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female?

female

Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. 

not really no

Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? 

I would cautiously forgive him but I would also make sure he knew that how he treated me was not okay and that he really upset me and this would be his last chance. but tbh I think hes done with me so 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nastiest thing you’ve ever done? 

I dont know, I dont like being nasty

Have you ever been in a lighthouse? 

nope

What colour is your shower? 

I think its silver, ive ever actually noticed

Where do you order your pizza from?

dominos

When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone?

few days ago 

Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? 

yes, im a creature of habit

What colour is your bike?

silver & purple

What word can you not stand to hear people say? 

the c word, I cant even type it

What room of your house are you in? 

living room 

What is the temperature in your city right now? 

9°c

When did you last use a post-it-note?

last week in the script for the show im currently working on 

Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? 

yes

Do you have a fan in your bedroom? 

no I dont like them, they make too much noise 

Who is the last person that you took a picture with? 

one of our foster kids 

When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam?

the weekend before christmas 

Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? 

not many

When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 

almost two years ago 

What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? 

I dont like salads

If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? 

all the time, Im constantly writing lists or reminders to myself 

How good would you say your memory is?

long term good, short term bad

About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? 

a few times

Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? 

multiple, we have plugs in and sprays and those automatic ones that go off every 15 minutes 

What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently?

done my laundry :’) im on my last pair of pants!

Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? 

no

Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? 

not really, I dont like being too hot

Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? 

no

Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? 

yes, I love driving most of the time 

Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? 

no

Do you like french fries?

yes

Have you ever eaten so much you puked?

not since I was a kid 

Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? 

annoyingly yes

Would you rather go to Greece or France?

greece

[0zrockbitway]

@producktions matamina time yeehaw

gay tutor time w/ special guest of Tengawara’s coach being physics teacher here

"Matatagi? Can I see you for a second before you go?"

The voice had came from the front of the class, the teacher, Ms. Mizuki had called for his attention right after the bell had rung. The boy in question peered towards her. He didn't want to be late for his next class, but how could he say no to a teacher? Mentally, he rolled his eyes, regretting the fact that he might have to dash throughout the school in order to not be late. He's confident that he'd make it on time.

"Yeah," he responds back, grabbing his bag and heading to the front of the room just after the rest of the students had trailed out the door. The boy bites down on his lip, a little worried about what this might be about. He had a feeling that he knew what this would be about and he was dreading it.

The woman wears a gentle smile, brushes back her brown bangs as she prepares herself for this conversation with her student. Matatagi takes notice how she's hesitating and figures it really is bad news, no matter how kind she wanted to be about this.

"Matatagi…I hate to say this, but you haven't been doing well in my class."

And there it was. What he had been dreading to hear, even if he had known it from the start. He just wants to groan in annoyance, but holds back. Not in front of a teacher, he tells himself.

"Oh, I'm sorry about that. I do plan on doing extra credit questions for homework to make up for it though," he responds as he glances down, avoiding her gaze. His hand clenches, angry and frustrated with himself for allowing this to actually happen. Matatagi had wanted to pass all his classes, get nothing but straight A's to keep up that scholarship, but…physics had been taking a toll on his hard work. It was the one class he couldn't defeat and it would hold him back if he didn't at least pass it.

"While I do appreciate you trying, I don't think that it will bring your grade up too high." She pauses. "I think you should get a tutor, Matatagi."

Dark eyes widen as his head shoots up immediately. "I can't-!" His response comes out too fast, maybe makes him look a little scared to even hearing that. "I-I mean…I wouldn't be able to-"

"Oh no," she cuts him off, waving a panicked hand. She hadn't meant to startle the boy. "I don't mean get one outside of school."

Matatagi feels himself sight out in relief.

"I meant another student could do it for you. Someone else in the class. And I already picked someone out to help you," she says with such a sweet smile, as if she were proud of her idea and choice. "He currently has the highest grade in my class, and he's a good boy, so I think he'll be able to help you. I already asked him it he'd be alright with it and he said he would. I just wanted to know if you would be to."

He wanted to say no. He didn't like getting help, even from a classmate that he hardly spoke to. His mind reels through the students who had just been here seconds ago as he tried to figure out who it might be. It couldn't be those he spoke with, they were…average. He only spoke to them about homework and that one kid about track. None of them seemed to be a physics genius. Was there even one in this class? A kid he hadn't spoken to? That seemed like the case.

"Um, who is he, exactly?"

"Minaho Kazuto."

Yeah, doesn't ring a bell.

"Well, I guess taking some lessons from him wouldn't hurt." He tries to make it sound like it's not a big deal and that he's mildly interested. It's not like he was in a position to say no anyway. She had already gone out of her way to pick out a student, talk to him, get him to agree. The only thing he could do was go along with this. Besides, he needed this- he'd do this for his grade.

"Great!" Ms. Mizuki claps her hands together with a joyous look. "I told him that you'd go see him at the library after school. All I want is for you to study with him for an hour a day if you can. Any more is up to you. I told him to go over most subjects and even gave him some spare notes to help. You'll be in good hands."

Matatagi forces a smile to his lips, a little surprised that she had already told him he'd agree. She couldn't have planned him to say yes, could she? What if he had declined? Oh well, he's not going to worry about that.

"Thank you, Ms. Mizuki. I promise I'll do better from now on."

~…~

When he steps into the school's library, he's quiet. Matatagi makes sure his shoes don't squeak as loud, keeps his bag pressed against him to limit the noise he might emit. He keeps his gaze away from the librarian as he passes by the desk. His eyes already begin to scan the room, going to the tables that were set up near the entrance for someone- alone, he assumes, someone he could possibly recognize.

The library is fairly empty, some students in the rows of bookshelves off to the right, theres one table that has a couple studying- they don't look interested in him or physics. He lets out a sigh, wondering why that guy couldn't have just been waiting for him by the door. Or maybe he was early? He was hoping that Minaho hadn't bounced on him.

Since the first few tables didn't have anyone familiar, he passes them, heading over to those off to the side nearby the computer stations. As he crosses over, someone catches his eyes- a hand movement. His head turns and he finds someone waving to him. His eyes narrow for a second and he recognizes that face. It wasn't someone he spoke to, but someone he did have a few other classes with.

"Matatagi," the other boy speaks his name once he had walked over to him, voice low, but not in a whisper. He guessed they could speak somewhat normally since they were pretty far from the librarians corner.

"Yeah, that's me. Minaho, right?" He asks while dropping his bag by the table taking the seat beside him.

"Mhmm!" Minaho smiles, extending a hand to him. "Pleasure to finally speak to you."

"Uhh…same to you," he says, not as enthusiastically before taking his hand to shake. This seemed a little to…formal for his liking. They were in the same year, so he was hoping that he wouldn't do a 180 and become one of those punks who loved shoving their knowledge down other people's throats.

"Thanks for agreeing to be my tutor," Matatagi says, figuring he might as well try to be polite.

"Oh, no need to thank me. I've been curious on how it is to teach someone. You know, they say if you can teach a subject to someone, that means you have a good grasp on it," Minaho replies with a confident grin before he puts a hand on his book. "Besides, I have no problem helping someone who actually needs and wants the help."

"Excuse me?" Matatagi raises a brow to the last comment, hoping that sarcasm hadn't slipped through his teeth.

"I noticed," he starts, eyes going from him to the book, flipping through the pages, "that you do try your best in class. I've seen you struggle a lot, especially with the weekly quizzes. You're not the only one, but you are the one who takes it seriously."

"You've been…watching me?" Matatagi asks in disbelief.

Minaho nods with a hum in response, his hand stopping on a page as he slides the book over to him. "I prefer the term observing. I get bored when there isn't anything else to do in class. You could say people watching is a little hobby of mine to. So, I may not know that much about you, but I do know some small things about you."

"Oh really?" Matatagi gives him a challenging look, finding this to be some bluff of his. He didn't like how…sure of himself he looked when he said that. As if he could list quirks about himself that even he wasn't aware of. "What do you know then?" He's not sure if he wants an answer to that question. He could feel the regret build up when he watches that smile on Minaho's face widen.

"Since you asked…You're one of the few who come early and study beforehand, being on time shows your studious nature, especially for the first class, but looking over previous notes shows that you doubt yourself or are underprepared. You tend to avoid causing trouble with those who sit beside you. And you're rather polite, trying to avoid conflict, even when the occasional rude comment comes up. I've noticed you only talk to a certain few people, but it's always small talk and-"

"That's enough." He says, suddenly, really not having expected that. Maybe he wasn't just all talk. Hopefully that would apply to him being able to teach.

"But I didn't get to the best part…"

Matatagi sighs as the other boy pouts. "I don't need to hear anymore. Just…teach me on this already, okay? I can't stay for long today."

"Why not?" Minaho asks with a curious gaze. "It's the first day, you should stay as long as possible."

"I have something else to attend to, okay?" He replies, hates how he's sounding impatient and rude. That earlier observation of his had thrown him off. Part of him is ready to just tell him to figure it out. "I'll stay longer to make tomorrow to make it up for today. But I have to leave early. Teach me what you can, now."

Minaho stares for a moment, trying to read him. He doubts that Matatagi is trying to get away from him, but something else is important. The tutor doesn't push, not today.

"Alright, let's get started with this problem…"

~…~

"Your grades have been improving, or so I've been told by Ms. Mizuki," Minaho states when Matatagi meets with him at their appointed time and place.

"I've only managed to get a handle on the subject thanks to you," he admits while taking his seat. "I doubt I'd be doing so good on my own. Or with another tutor."

"It's rare of you to actually praise me while looking at me," Minaho says as he props his elbows up on the table, holding his head in his hands. "At least your warming up to me."

Matatagi rolls his eyes to that comment. "I am not warming up to you."

"Would you prefer for me to say you're less hostile than when we first spoke?"

"Explain? Actually- don't. I don't want to hear you analyze me today."

"But you already said explain, so maybe I-"

Minaho stops himself when he sees that glare from Matatagi. He doesn't need to read his expression in depth to know that it's time for him to be quiet. He shrugs in defeat, letting his hands fall to the table, though doesn't look hurt by this loss.

"Okay, I won't. But only for today. Speaking of…are you able to stay?"

"Mmm. Yeah. My brothers have some little fun fair activity after school," Matatagi answers. "I can stay for a little longer than usual, but not too long. I have to go pick them up."

"Good to know! Anyway, I think I know what I can teach you before the midterm. And maybe after that, you'll be good enough on your own."

As Minaho moves his chair closer to his, nearly pressing their shoulders together, his mind lingers on his last comment. He was hoping that he wasn't telling him that this would come to a stop, that this would all just…end. His gaze lifts from the text to Minaho, taking a quick glance at the other boy and how close they were. His eyes were bright, voice energetic, he swears the other had dimples when he smiled. He notices when their hands touch, both resting on the book. If this were a couple months earlier, he knows he would have swatted him away. But now, he doesn't. When had he stopped?

When had he started enjoying these sessions with him? Just…talking with him? God, he didn't know- didn't know why he was thinking about this all of a sudden now. He needed to focus on his lesson. Maybe he shouldn't be this close to him.

But did this really mean anything? It never would. It couldn't mean anything. This wasn't real.

~…~

Matatagi puts his head into his hand, eyes glancing back and forth between paper and blackboard. His hand is moving, writing down the same words written on the board, keeping up with the teacher. His gaze begins to drift away from the board, going to a more familiar person with orange hair. When he notices his attention had drifted off and Ms. Mizuki is moving on, he shakes his head to snap himself out of this daze. He's forced to raise his hand and ask for an extra minute to jot down notes before they're erased.

A sigh escapes him, hating himself for being the one in class to ask for extra time. He didn't mind asking when he really needed it or the teacher wasn't aware of how fast they were going, but asking since he had gotten distracted? God, he felt like a fool.

The lesson continues and Matatagi forces himself to pay attention. He tries to but physics still isn't his best subject and he finds something- someone else taking priority over this subject. By the end of the class, he's not even sure if he remembered anything that was said.

"Matatagi?" It's Ms. Mizuki, calling for him. "Can I see you for a few minutes?"

"Yes," he answers as he's putting away his belongings. Everyone is already shuffling out the door, his dark eyes meet with green. Minaho waves to him, mouthing a 'good luck' before he scurries out with the others.

"What did you want to see me for?" Matatagi asks once he's at her desk.

"It's not about your grades," she reassures, hoping not to startle him like the last time she called for him, even if it had been so long ago. "You've been doing very well lately. I'm happy to see the improvements and knowing Minaho is helping you. It's nice seeing you even work together with him for class assignments."

He feels his cheeks burn upon her noticing that. Well, he guessed it was fairly obvious. They hadn't been close until he started having to turn to Minaho for tutoring. And Matatagi preferred to go to him over anyone else, not just because he was smart, but because he was more pleasant to deal with. He liked him- no, he didn't. Not like that. Now isn't the time to be thinking about that when a teacher was right in front of him.

"I wanted to ask if everything is okay?" He voice snaps him away from his thoughts, thankfully.

"Everything is fine, why do you ask?"

"Well, you haven't been paying attention in class lately. I know this is an earlier one, so I thought maybe you haven't been getting enough sleep?"

"I have. I think I'm just a little worried about other classes. Midterms are coming up all at the same time. So…its a lot. I'm sorry, I'll try to focus more."

"Oh," she seems a little more relieved hearing that. "Well, if anything is ever wrong, you can come to me, okay, Matatagi? I want my students to succeed."

"I will, thank you."

~…~

Matatagi runs a hand through his hair as he stands outside the library. He'd been feeling hesitant to enter this past week. His mind had been overcrowded with thoughts and feelings he didn't want to really address. But, things would be normal. Nothing funny would happen today, he tells himself. With that, he enters the library, heading over to their usual spot. Minaho was already there, as usual.

"I found a really hard problem, bet you can't solve it," Minaho boasts like an energetic child.

"Challenging me right off the bat, huh? Cocky, aren't you?" Matatagi grins in response, taking his seat and already taking the pencil thats left on the table for him. "What is this, for the midterm?"

"Mhm. I think you can handle it now, but taking an extra step of precaution wouldn't hurt."

Matatagi rolls his eyes before they take to the paper. He hadn't expected a problem right away, but whatever. He gazes over the text, reads the problem, and begins to scribble notes necessary that would help him solve this. His mind is completely wrapped up in the problem, so eager to solve it that he doesn't notice the hand placed upon his shoulder and how close Minaho is to him. It wasn't strange anyway, not to him. Matatagi had learned the other liked getting into people's personal space- his anyway.

"Matatagi?"

He hears his own name being uttered so close to his ear, in a strange whisper. It's startling and causes him to turn his head.

"Mina-"

He stops, unable to finish saying his name as he finds something against his lips. He's frozen in place, taking a moment to realize Minaho's lips against his. He's not even sure what to think or if he can. His mind is just blank, everything had stopped. This had all happened so suddenly and- was this real? It is. It's very real. These soft lips pressing against his are definitely real. And upon realizing this, Matatagi bolts up from his seat, knocking the chair back with a thud in this quiet library.

"What the hell was that for?" He shouts, though shortly recalls afterwards that they're in a library and that he might have caused more heads to turn if there were any here. And boy is he grateful the librarian was out for whatever reason, she hadn't come running up to him or heard a shush (and the last thing he needs is detention for being disruptive).

Minaho grins, looking amused though doesn't laugh. "Sorry, I didn't think you'd react so loudly. I just had to confirm something."

"Confirm, what?"

"That you like me."

Matatagi blinks, staring at him. He scoffs, crosses his arms as he tries to think of a comeback, something that wouldn't count as a confirmation or denial. God, his mind was still blank after that kiss.

"What makes you think that, huh? How would you even guess something like that in the first place?" It takes so much to resist shouting at him. For once, he wishes they weren't in the library.

"I thought you'd never ask." Minaho points to him. "Your cheeks are red." This causes Matatagi's cheeks to burn more; he hadn't realized just how madly he was blushing. "You haven't run off or slapped me, as most would do to a failed- hmm I can't call this a typical confession, but one like it. If you need evidence to prove it, you stopped responding so violently to my touch. You find excuses to be with me, in and out of class. I've managed to gain your trust and that's something very hard to earn. And I've seen the way you look at me. I wasn't quite sure what it was before, but I think I was able to identify it. Especially since we're both young adolescents, so I believe you've been having a natural response to-"

Matatagi is quick to move a hand over his mouth before he could continue. This was a physics lesson, not a health one. God, he could feel his face heating up even more now with just a thought of that.

"Okay. Stop." Matatagi slowly removes his hand. "If you…already knew that I liked you. Why did you kiss me out of nowhere?" He hisses through his teeth.

"If I wanted to ask you out normally, I doubt you would have said yes. You would have put on a polite act and turned me down, even if it would be hard for you. Maybe you would have given me time, but call me impatient to say I didn't want to wait. Besides, this was a more interesting way to ask, don't you think?" Minaho gives him an innocent smile.

Matatagi stares at him. He really should have expected something like this from him. But, he was also right and hated that he was. He mumbles a curse underneath his breath and picks up the fallen chair. He sets it back in place, right beside Minaho. He's quiet, just…thinking about what had happened, looking over to the other boy, trying to catch him before he could pull another surprise kiss on him.

"So," Minaho starts, "What's your answer?"

"You didn't exactly ask me, you know…" Matatagi mutters, pulling the book closer to him and trying to see where he had left off. "But, maybe if you help me with this problem, we can figure something out."

"Like a date?"

"Maybe."

"I'll take that as a yes."

[angelixii]

1-140 (anything you haven't answered already) - Felix

Oh, hello! Thanks for the ask!! 💕

3 fears - Spiders (I get frightened when I think about them) heights (slightly) and the public (anything like murder, kidnapped, ya know stupid people)

 3 Things I love - Music, Idols, and animals

 2 Turns on - ig Hats (like snapbacks) and glasses

 2 Turns off - oof I don’t really know.. ig self absorbed or a fudge boy

 My best friend - C: @straykids-sk (wuv you)

 How tall am I - 5′2

 What do I miss right now - My cat that passed away :c (her name was P.J)

 Favourite color - Blue, red, and sometimes green

 Do I have a crush - no not really

 Favourite place - my home

 What am I listening to right now - theres a website called asoftmurmur.com and it has noises like rain or waves and stuff like that

 Shoe size - pretty sure 10 in US womens

 Eye color - brown

 Hair color - light-ish brown

 Meaning behind my URL - I chose Felix cause hes my bias wrecker and hes angelic C:

 Favourite song - Theres like a million but 5SOS’s She Looks So Perfect wil always be a favorite (idk why)

 Favourite band - Ill just chose Stray Kids cause I don’t wanna write them all out

 How I feel right now - kinda tired but ig ok

 Someone I love - Ill say my best fren Georgia (@straykids-sk) cause i wuv her

 My current relationship status - single and i kinda wanna stay that way for a while

  My relationship with my parents - We all live in the same house and its just us (I have one other sister but she moved out. But shes here a lot tho) and we all get along well

 Favorite season - probably Spring c:

 Tattoos and piercing I have - none and I don’t really want any

 Tattoos and piercing I want - ^^^

The reasons I joined Tumblr - Georgia wanted me to and I thought it would be fun (I was right c:)

 Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts? - no :/

 Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? - oh heel no she my best fren I would never

 How long does it take me to get ready in the morning? - when I have school like 20 minutes at max

 Have you shaved your legs in the past three days? - I did today

 Where am I right now? - at my house on my laptop c:

 Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level? - reasonable level cause I’ve always had ear problems and they are sensitive (even tho I always have my earbuds in)

 Do I live with my Mom and Dad? - yup

 Am I excited for anything? - not that I can think of no

 Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? - nope :/

 How often do I wear a fake smile? - not THAT often

 If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? - oooof I don’t think I could answer that question

 What do I think about most? - probably k-pop

 Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it? - Definitely behind

 What was the last lie I told? - It was kinda a joke but “i’ll do it because im the good child”

 Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online? - Eh depends on who it is but facetiming/video chatting

 Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens? - ghosts kinda and aliens, I mean sure we’ve barely discovered space, who knows whats out there

 Do I believe in magic? - sometimes yeah

 Do I believe in luck? - I mean yeah

 What’s the weather like right now?- theres nothing really going on

 What was the last book I’ve read? - uhhhhhh fully on my own (not in class)? The Maze Runner Scorch Trials

 Do I have any nicknames? - Kassadoodle, Kassidilla, Kassy

 Do I spend money or save it? - I’m trying to save as much as I can rn in my little money jar c:

 Can I touch my nose with a tounge? - nah

 Favourite animal? - Lions and Fennec Foxes

 What was I doing last night at 12 AM? - uhhh im pretty sure saying goodbye to Georgia on video chat

 What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it? - oo um I cant really think of one rn :/

 What is my favorite word? - yeet

 My top 5 blogs on tumblr (not in any order)

@honeylixs

@zoxsu

@tinyfigureskater

@stray-kids-dork

@straykidsmate

 If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say? - I probably wouldn’t say anything cause im shy and afraid people would judge me on what I say c:

 Do I have any relatives in jail? -not that I know of

What is my current desktop picture? - a pic of Bts

Had sex? Bought condoms? Gotten pregnant? Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain? Had job? Smoked weed? Smoked cigarettes? Drank alcohol?

no to ALL those questions C:

Am I a vegetarian/vegan? - nope don’t think I could ever

Been overweight? - …

Been underweight? - no.

Gotten my heart broken? - nah

Been to prom? - nope

Been in airplane? - nope and I never want to really

Learned another language? - I take required (cause im one of the more intelligent kids in school. I know shocker right?) Spanish classes in school but im on summer break so I dont remember any c:

Wore make up?- nope

Dyed my hair? - nope

Had a surgery? - plenty of ear surgery and had my tonsils removed

Met someone famous? - nope

Stalked someone on a social network? - nope

Been fishing? - no but my dad has always wanted to take me and it sounds kinda fun

Been rejected by a crush? - nope never really had one and if I did I would never have the guts

What do I want for birthday? - ooo idk but i have to wait till next year anyway cause its already passed

Do I like my handwriting? - sometimes when my hand cooperates

Where do I want to live when older? - with my girl Georgia

Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad? - nope ima good child (yeah ok suuureee)

What I’m really bad at - running :/

What my greatest achievments are - managing to keep straight A’s and I dont even study cause im online so

The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me - “u bird cage” - Georgia c;

What I’d do if I won in a lottery - ooooooooof idk

What do I like about myself - uhhhhh heh ig my hair or eyes/eyelashes

My closest Tumblr friend - Georgia (yes I do know her irl but shes honestly the closet tumblr friend I have so)

Any question you’d like? - hmm idk

Are you outgoing or shy? - definitely shy, unless with people im close to then quite crazy

What kind of people are you attracted to? - funny, cute and nice people

Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now? - hA no

Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable? - kinda

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with? - oof idk

What does the most recent text that you sent say? “ohhhh no XDD” (sent to Georgia)

What are your 5 favorite songs right now? - (I already answered this question and don’t wanna answer again)

Do you like it when people play with your hair? - yes I love when freinds at school did (once we were watching a movie in Spanish and my friend next to me was playing with my hair and I almost fell asleep heh)

Do you think there is life on other planets? - totally

Do you like bubble baths? - I haven’t had one in forever

Do you like your neighbors? - only one cause I think im related to them somehow or they are to like my uncle

Where would you like to travel? - out of this hell hole country c:

Favorite part of your daily routine? - checking my tumblr and stanning talent

What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with? - stomach

What do you do when you wake up? - check my notifications on my phone

Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker? - I wish it was more tan than it is (im quite pale)

Do you ever want to get married? - yeah

If your hair long enough for a pony tail? - yes but I hate pony tails so I never do it (I used to all the time as a kid)

Would you rather live without TV or music? - I rarely watch t.v anymore and listen to music almost all day so

Have you ever liked someone and never told them? - I mean yeah

What are your favorite stores to shop in? - I dont really have one for clothes but I do like Walmart

Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance? - I mean sometimes

Do you smile at strangers? - If the smile at me first yeah

Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about? - not that I can remember no

Ever wished you were someone else? - no (as much as I hate myself no)

Favorite makeup brand? - son;t wear any so I dont got one

Last thing you ate? - a Reese cup

Ever won a competition? For what? - not a big one I can remeber no

Ever been in love? - c:

Facebook or Twitter? - dont have a fb and i barely use twitter anymore but twitter

Twitter or Tumblr? - DEFINITELy tumblr

Are you watching tv right now? - i mean its always on for bg noise and light so ig so

What color are your towels? - all kinds of colors

Favorite ice cream flavor? - either Strawberry with out the strawberries or cookie dough

First person you talked to today? - my mom

Last person you talked to today? - Georgia

Name a person you hate? - C: theres too many

Name a person you love? - once again, theres too many

Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now? - C: theres too many

Do you tan a lot? - I barely go outside so thats a no

Have any pets? - too many

Do you type fast? - I mean kinda yeah

Do you regret anything from your past? - everything XD

Ever broken someone’s heart? - I highly doubt it

Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt? - C:

Is cheating ever okay? - hell no

Do you believe in true love? - I mean sure

What your zodiac sign? - Pisces

Do you believe in ghosts? - why is this question on here twice?

Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page? (via catscuddlingandyou) - “…but not at all overwhelming, the balance of the different fragrances was subtle and flawless.” Twilight - Breaking Dawn (Do NOt ask me why thats the closest book its not mine and ive never read it and i NEVER plan on it)

oof that took like two hours heh.. its now currently 2:18am. and im very tired

but thanks for the ask anyway love! Im sorry for the wait! I was busy today. But im probably going to go to bed now

[braveheartdarlings]

1-99! 💖 i love you

 oh my lord nicole i love you too. also i love your picture you look ethereal.

okay here goes. this is super long im sorry

do you have a favourite sweater? -yea but it changes. right now its my color guard one

what’s your middle name? -rose

do you still talk to the first person you kissed? -nah she and i were never close

do you get on with your grandpa`? -sorta. but some things were said after my mom passed that have always been hard to ignore tbh

what was your favourite cartoon as a kid? -lilo and stitch/kim possible

what’s your favourite cartoon now? -steven universe

do you read the news paper? -no

who was the last text you sent to ? -my director for BCPE

what does the last text you sent say? -lots of stage managing stuff

if you could have any hair colour what would it be? -auburn red

do you like nature documentaries? -love them

what is your aesthetic? -night sky full of stars in the middle of the forest or on an empty beach

when did you last pet a dog? -last rehearsal at the office, charlie is the best boy and i love him so much

whose friend’s parents do you like the most? -Graces mom? maybe carolines dad & step mom? idk bruh but they get honorable mentions

have you ever been on a road trip? -a few

tell me about someone you know called emma -little sister of the she devil herself

are you reading a book in english class, what is it? -no college for me folks!

do you have a favourite aunt? -my aunt mary. she geniunly cares and remindes me of my mom tbh

baths or showers? -showers

skiing or sun bathing? -neither

do you kill spiders? -honestly they scare me so much i kinda just blank out until its taken care of

have you ever made an ice pop? -yeah when i was a kid

are you wearing shoes right now? -nope

tell me about you favourite primary school/elementary school teacher -dont know honestly. maybe blankers cause that year was really bad and she went easy on me

who was the last person you hugged? -joseph! i can always count on him for a hug

do you wear glasses? -yep

do you have a cat? -absolutely

do you have a favourite pair of underwear? -yep

what was your last tweet? -dont have twitter

do you still use facebook? -for birthdays reminders

do you like birds? -yea

who was the last person you called cute? -one of the kids in my cast. shes 6 and the cuttest fucking thing on earth

who was the last person that called you cute? -uhhh? i dont remember the last time that happend. its been a few years at least

how did you meet your best friend? -look you know who you all are but this thing is already too long. i love you

escalators or elevators? -elevators

are you named after anyone, who? -my grandma roz

what was your first url? -mama-maymay?

autumn or winter? -autumn

do you win at scrabble? -never played but i doubt i would ever get close to winning

put your ipod on shuffle , who is the first song that comes up by? -spotify cause i dont own an ipod: Lu Pluie by Amethystium

have you ever drunk from a mason jar? -yeah most of my sisters cups are jars

can you draw? -not well

what was your first profile picture? -dont remember

favourite tshirt? -dont have one

best tumblr friend? @alderandphoenix she keeps me going

when did you last run? -yesterday back and forth from the tech booth to the stage a few times

do you like to paint your nails? -sometimes

did you ever do something as a kid that got you into loads of trouble? -not that i remember

who is your favourite dog that isn’t yours? -charlie hes an old blind deaf dog that has my heart and the heart of pretty much everyone else that joins the act1 family

have you ever been drunk? -never had alcohol

have you ever done something you regret while drunk? -see above

do you want to kiss anyone right now? -no one comes to mind

do/did you like you math teacher? -stans was the best math teacher i ever had

do you often ride the bus? -no but mostly cause i dont go anywhere

do you have a fireplace in your house? -no

are you violent when you’re angry? -mostly i just cry

do you cry when you’re angry? -see above

favourite Harry potter book? -havent read them

can you remember your last dream? -something about being in a lab and having a panic attack

do you go to bed early or late? -late

do you speak a second language? -sadly no

who was your first ever best friend? - @chat-miaou preschool was a long time ago

have you ever had an operation? -ive had a tooth filled? i doubt that counts

tell me about your favourite cousin -not close to my cousins

do you have a piece of clothing that doesn’t even fit you anymore but you can’t bare to throw away? -no?

have you ever been in a musical? -several

do you have a porch? -kinda

how many times have you watched your favourite movie? -a billion

what do you order at mcdonalds? -fish sandwich

do you get on with old people? -well its my job so i kinda have to

science fiction or romance? -both?

do you take naps? -i wish i was taking one right now

how many classes do you/did you take in high-school? -uh the normal amount?

when did it last snow where you live? -a few weeks ago

does it ever snow where you live? -never this early

how many months until your birthday? -a lot

how much charge does your computer have right now? -87%

what is your favourite disney channel movie? -HSM

the city or the sea side? -not sure

what is your least favourite colour? -bright pink

do you have homework to do? -nope!

are you still friends with your first best friend? -absatively posolutely

do you have/are you the gay cousin? -damn right im the gay cousin.. not that they know lolol

do you own dungarees? -no

do you like to play sport? -no

what was your favourite ever christmas present? -i dont remember

how old are you? -19

what is your mum’s name? -Lisa 

do you ever use internet explorer? -Only when trying to help petra with her email

have you ever had blonde hair? -technically im still blonde but my hair is getting darker

is their a play park near your house? -theres one in the complex i live in

when did you last see the person you have a crush on? -not crushing

who did you last talk to on the phone? - @whenwilltheyrealize 

pants or dresses? -pants

do you read fan fiction? -yep

what is you’re favourite blog? -i duno

do you write poetry? -no

drama or comedy? -both?

have you ever had a hickey? -yea

that took.. far too long. i would say ask me some more but the only one left is a make your own soooooo

love you nicole

[suchagiantnerd]

54 Books, 1 Year

2018 was my first full year back at work after my mat leave, and thanks to all the time I spend on the subway, my yearly reading total is back up to over 50 books!

2018 was a dark year, and I made a conscious effort to read more books from authors on the margins of society. The more those of us with privilege take the time to listen to and learn from these voices, the better we’ll be as friends, colleagues and citizens.

You’ll also notice a lot of books about witchcraft and witches in this year’s list. What can I say? Dark times call for resorting to ANYTHING that can help dig us out of our current reality, including putting a hex on Donald Trump.

Trigger Warning: Some of the books reviewed below are about mental illness, suicide, domestic violence, sexual assault, and violence against people of colour, Indigenous people and people in the LGBTQ community.

Here are this year’s mini reviews:

1.       The Lottery and Other Stories / Shirley Jackson

Jackson’s short stories were published in the late forties and fifties, but their slow-burning creep factor holds up today. The stories involve normal people doing normal things until something small gives, and we realize something is really wrong here. As you read through the collection, take note of the mysterious man in blue. He appears in about half of the stories, always in the margins of the action. Who is he? I read him as a bit of a trickster figure, bringing chaos and mayhem with him wherever he goes. Other people have read him as the devil himself. Let me know what you think!

2.       The Ship / Antonia Honeywell

I was excited to read this YA novel about a giant cruise ship-turned-ark, designed and captained by the protagonist Lalla’s father in a dystopic near future. The premise of the book is great and brings up lots of juicy questions – where is the ship going? How long can the passengers survive together in a confined space? How did Lalla’s father choose who got to board the ship? But the author’s execution was a disappointment and focused far too much on Lalla’s inner turmoil and immaturity.

3.       The Hot One: A Memoir of Friendship, Sex and Murder / Carolyn Murnick

My book club read this true crime memoir detailing the intense, adolescent friendship between Carolyn, the author, and Ashley, who was murdered in her home in her early 20s a few years after the girls’ friendship fizzled. Murnick is understandably destroyed by the murder and obsessed with the killer’s trial. The narrative loops back and forth between the trial and the girls’ paths, which diverged sharply after Ashley moved away in high school. Murnick (the self-proclaimed nerdy one) muses on the intricacies of female friendship, growing up under the microscope of the male gaze, and the last weekend she ever spent with Ashley (the hot one). This is an emotional, detailed account of a woman trying her best to bear witness to her friend’s horrific death and to honour who she was in life.

4.       The Break / Katherena Vermette

Somebody is brutally attacked on a cold winter night in Winnipeg, and Stella, a young Métis woman and tired new mother is the only witness – and even she isn’t sure what she saw. The police investigation into the attack puts a series of events in motion that make long-buried emotions bubble to the surface and ripple outwards to touch a number of people in the community, including an Indigenous teenager recently released from a youth detention center, one of the investigating officers (a Métis man walking a fine line between two worlds), and an artist. This is a tough read, especially in the era of #MMIW and #MeToo, but all the more important because of it.

5.       So You Want to Talk About Race / Ijeoma Oluo

Probably the most important book I read this year, I will never stop recommending this read to anyone and everyone. This is your Allyship 101 syllabus right here, folks. Do you really want to do better and be better as an ally? Then you need to read every chapter closely and start implementing the lessons learned right away. This book will teach you about tone policing, microaggressions and privilege, and how all of those things are harmful to people of colour and other marginalized communities.

6.       The Accusation / Bandi

This is a collection of short stories by a North Korean man (written under a pseudonym for his protection as he still lives there). The stories were actually smuggled out of the country for publication by a family friend. The characters in these stories are regular people living regular lives (as much as that is possible in North Korea). What really comes across is the fine line between laughter and tears while living under the scrutiny of a dangerous regime. There are several scenes where people laugh uncontrollably because they can’t cry, and where people start to cry because they can’t laugh. This book offers a rare perspective into a hidden world.

7.       Being Jazz: My Life as a (Transgender) Teen / Jazz Jennings

Some of you will be familiar with Jazz via the TLC show about her and her family, “I Am Jazz”. I’d never seen it but was inspired to read the book to gain a better understanding about what coming out as trans as a child is like. Jazz came out to her family at 5 years old (!) and her parents and siblings have had her back from the beginning. If you are still having a tough time understanding that trans women are women, full stop, this book will help get you there.

8.       A Field Guide to Getting Lost / Rebecca Solnit

When it comes to the books that gave me “all the feels”, this one tops the 2018 list. Solnit is everything - historian, writer, philosopher, culture lover, explorer. Her mind is always making connections and as you follow her through her labyrinthine thoughts you start to feel connected too. Her words on loss, nostalgia and missing a person/place/time actually made me cry, they were so true. For me, an agnostic leaning towards atheism, she illuminated the magic in the everyday that made me feel more spiritually rooted to life than I have in a long time.

9.       I Found You / Lisa Jewell

Lots of weird and bad things seem to happen in British seaside towns, don’t they? This is another psychological thriller, à la “The Girl on the Train” and “Gone Girl”. One woman finds a man sitting on the beach one morning. He has no idea who he is or how he got there. Miles away, another woman wakes up one morning to find her husband has vanished. Is the mystery man on the beach the missing husband? Dive into this page-turner and find out!

10.   The Midnight Sun / Cecilia Ekbäck

This novel is the sequel to a historical Swedish noir book I read a few years ago. Though it’s not so much a sequel, as it is a novel taking place in the same setting – Blackasen Mountain in Lapland. This story actually takes place about a hundred years after the first novel does, so it can be read on its own. Ekbäck’s stories dive into the effect of place on people – whether it’s the isolation of a harsh and long winter or the mental havoc caused by the midnight sun on sleep patterns, the people on Blackasen Mountain are always strained and ready to explode. (Oh, and there’s also a bit of the supernatural happening on this mountain too – but just a bit!)

11.   After the Bloom / Leslie Shimotakahara

Strained mother-daughter relationships. The PTSD caused by immigration and then being detained in camps in your new home. Fraught romances. Shimotakahara’s novel tackles all of this and more. Taking place in two times – 1980s Toronto and a WWII Japanese internment camp in the California desert – this story of loss, hardship, betrayal and family is both tragic and hopeful.

12.   Company Town / Madeline Ashby

In this Canadian dystopian tale, thousands of people live in little cities built on the oil rigs off the coast of Newfoundland. Hwa works as a bodyguard for the family that owns the rigs and is simultaneously trying to protect the family’s youngest child from threats, find out who is killing her sex-worker friends, mourn her brother (who died in a rig explosion), and work through her own self-esteem issues. Phew! If it sounds like too much, it is. I really did like this book, but I think it needed tighter editing and focus.

13.   The Power / Naomi Alderman

In the near-future, women and girls all over the world develop the ability to send electrical shocks out of their hands. With this newfound power, society’s gender power imbalance starts to flip. The U.S. military scrambles to try and work this to their advantage. A new religious movement starts to grow. And Tunde, a Nigerian photographer (and a dude!) travels the world, trying to document it all. This is an exciting novel that seriously asks, “what if?” in which many of the key characters cross paths.

14.   Milk and Honey / Rupi Kaur

Everyone’s reading it, so I had to too! Kaur’s poems are refreshing and healing, and definitely accessible. This is poetry for the people, for women, for daughters, mothers and sisters. These are poems about how women make themselves small and quiet, about our inner anger, about sacrifice, longing and love.

15.   Tell It to the Trees / Anita Rau Badami

In the dead of winter in small-town B.C., the body of big-city writer Anu is found outside of the Dharmas’ house, frozen to death. Anu had been renting their renovated shed, working on a novel in seclusion. As we get to know the Dharmas – angry and controlling Vikram, his quiet and frightened wife Suman, the two children, and the ghost of Vikram’s first wife, Helen, we feel more and more uneasy. Was Anu’s death just a tragic accident, or something else entirely? There is a touch of “The Good Son” in this novel…

16.   You Are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life / Jen Sincero

This book was huge last year and my curiosity got the better of me. But I can’t, I just can’t subscribe to this advice! All of this stuff about manifesting whatever you want reeks of privilege and is just “The Secret” repackaged for millennials and Gen-Z. Thank u, next!

17.   All the Things We Never Knew: Chasing the Chaos of Mental Illness / Sheila Hamilton

Shortly after a diagnosis of bipolar disorder, Hamilton’s husband, David, took his own life after years of little signs and indicators that something wasn’t right. Her memoir, in the aftermath of his death, is a reckoning, a tribute, and a warning to others. In it, she details the fairy tale beginning of their relationship (but even then, there were signs), the birth of their only child, and the rocky path that led to his final choice. Hamilton’s story doesn’t feel exploitative to me. It’s an important piece in the global conversation about mental health and includes lots of facts and statistics too.

18.   This Is How It Always Is / Laurie Frankel

This is a beautiful novel about loving your family members for who they are and about the tough choices parents have to make when it comes to protecting their children. Rosie and Penn have five boys (that this modern couple has five children is the most unbelievable part of the plot, frankly), but at five years old, their youngest, Claude, tells the family that he is a girl. Claude changes her name to Poppy, and Rosie and Penn decide to move the whole family to more inclusive Seattle to give Poppy a fresh start in life. Of course, the move has consequences on the other four children as well, and we follow everybody’s ups and downs over the years as they adjust and adapt to their new reality.

19.   Dumplin’ / Julie Murphy

While I didn’t love the writing or any of the characters, I do need to acknowledge the importance of this YA novel in showing a fat teenager as happy and confident in who she is. Willowdean Dickson has a job, a best friend and a passion for Dolly Parton. She also catches the attention of cute new kid, Bo, and a sweet summer romance develops between the two (with all of the miscommunications and misunderstandings you’d expect in a YA plot). This is an important book in the #RepresentationMatters movement, and is now a Netflix film if you want to skip the read!

20.   Kintu / Jennifer Nansubuga Makumbi

This was touted as “the great Ugandan novel” and it did not disappoint! The first part of the novel takes place in 1754, as Kintu Kidda, leader of a clan, travels to the capital of Buganda (modern day Kampala) with his entourage to pledge allegiance to the new Kabaka. During the journey, tragedy strikes, unleashing a curse on Kintu’s descendants. The rest of the novel follows five modern-day Ugandans who are descended from Kintu’s bloodline and find themselves invited to a massive family reunion. As their paths cross and family histories unfold, will the curse be broken?

21.   The Child Finder / Rene Denfeld

I bought this at the airport as a quick and thrilling travel read, and that’s exactly what it was. Naomi is a private investigator with a knack for finding missing and kidnapped children. This is because she was once a kidnapped child herself. The plot moves back and forth in time between Naomi’s current case and her own escape and recovery. There was nothing exceptional about this book, but it’s definitely a page-turner.

22.   Difficult Women / Roxane Gay

Are the women in Gay’s short stories actually difficult? Or has a sexist, racist world made things difficult for them? I think you know what my answer is. The stories are at times beautiful - like the fairy tale about a woman made of glass, and at times violent and visceral – like a number of stories about hunting and butchering. Women are everything and more.

23.   My Education / Susan Choi

I suggested this novel to my book club and I will always regret it. This was my least favourite read of the year. I thought it was going to be about a sexy and inappropriate threesome or love triangle between a student, her professor, and his wife. Instead it had a few very unsexy sex scenes and hundreds and hundreds of pages about the minutiae of academic life. I can’t see anyone enjoying this book except English professors and grad students.

24.   Hope in the Dark: Untold Histories, Wild Possibilities / Rebecca Solnit

This series of essays was a balm to my soul after Ford won the provincial election. It reminded me that history is full of steps forward and steps back, and though things look bleak right now, there are millions of us around the world trying to make positive changes in big and little ways as we speak.

25.   The Woman in Cabin 10 / Ruth Ware

Another novel in the vein of “The Woman on the Train”, that is, a book featuring a young, female, unreliable narrator. Lo knows what she saw – or does she? There was a woman in the now empty Cabin 10 – or was there? And also, Lo hasn’t been eating or sleeping. But she’s been drinking a lot and not taking her medication. I’m kind of done with this genre – anyone else?

26.   My Brilliant Friend / Elena Ferrante

After hearing many intelligent women praise this novel (the first in a four-part series), my book club decided to give it a try. I didn’t fall in love with it, but I was sufficiently intrigued by the intense and passionate friendship between Lila and Lenu, two young girls growing up in post-war Naples, that I will likely read the whole series. Many claim that no writer has managed to capture the intricacy of female friendship the way that Ferrante has.

27.   The Turquoise Table: Finding Community and Connection in Your Own Front Yard / Kristin Schell

This is Schell’s non-fiction account of how she started Austin’s turquoise table movement (which has now spread further into other communities). Schell was feeling disconnected from her immediate community, so she painted an old picnic table a bright turquoise, moved it into her front yard, and started sitting out there some mornings, evenings and weekends - sometimes alone, and sometimes with her family. Neighbours started to gather for chats, snacks, card games, and more. People got to know each other on a deeper level and friendships bloomed. This book is a nice reminder that small actions matter. A small warning though – Schell is an evangelical Christian, and I didn’t know this before diving in. There is a focus on Christianity in the book, and though it’s not quite preachy, it’s very in-your-face.

28.   Sing, Unburied, Sing / Jesmyn Ward

This was hands-down my favourite novel of the year. It’s a lingering and haunting look at the generational trauma carried by the descendants of those who were enslaved and lived during the Jim Crow era. One part road trip novel, one part ghost story, the plot follows a fractured, multi-racial family as they head into the broken heart of Mississippi to pick up the protagonist’s father, who has just been released from prison.

29.   Full Disclosure / Beverley McLachlin

This is the first novel by Canada’s former Chief Justice, Beverley McLachlin. As someone who works in the legal industry and has heard her speak, I couldn’t wait to get my hands on this. But, with all due respect to one of the queens, the book was very ‘meh’. The plot was a little over the top, the characters weren’t sufficiently fleshed out, and I felt that the backdrop of the Robert Pickton murders was somewhat exploitative and not done respectfully. Am I being more critical of this novel than I might otherwise be because the author is so intelligent? Likely yes, so you can take this review with a grain of salt.

30.   The Long Way Home / Louise Penny

This is the 10th novel in Penny’s Inspector Gamache mystery series. As ever, I fell in love with her descriptions of Quebec’s beauty, the small town of Three Pines, and the delicious food the characters are always eating. Penny’s books are the definition of cozy.

31.   In the Skin of a Lion / Michael Ondaatje

Ondaatje has the gift of writing novels that read like poetry, and this story is no exception. Taking place in Toronto during construction of the Don Valley bridge and the RC Harris water treatment plant, the plot follows a construction worker, a young nun, an explosives expert, a business magnate and an actress as they maneuver making a life for themselves in the big city and changing ideas about class and gender.

32.   The Story of a New Name / Elena Ferrante

This is the second novel in Ferrante’s four-part series about the complicated life-long friendship between Lila and Lenu. In this installment, the women navigate first love, marriage, post-secondary education, first jobs and new motherhood.

33.   The Happiness Project / Gretchen Rubin

In this memoir / self-help book, Rubin studies the concept of happiness and implements a new action or practice each month of the year that is designed to increase her happiness levels. Examples include practicing gratitude, going to bed earlier, making time for fun and learning something new. Her journey inspired me to make a few tweaks to my life during a difficult time, and I do think they’ve made me more appreciative of what I have (which I think is a form of happiness?)

34.   The Virgin Suicides / Jeffrey Eugenides

I loved the film adaptation of this novel when I was a teenager, but I’d never actually read it until my book club selected it. Eugenides paints a glimmering, ethereal portrait of the five teenaged Lisbon sisters living a suffocating half-life at the hands of their overly protective and religious parents. The story is told through the eyes of the neighbourhood boys who longed for them from a distance and learned about who they were through snatched telephone calls, passed notes and one tragic suburban basement party.

35.   Time’s Convert / Deborah Harkness

This is a supernatural fantasy novel that takes place in the same universe of witches, vampires and daemons as Harkness’ All Souls trilogy. The plot follows the romance between centuries-old vampire Marcus, who came of age during the American Civil War, and human Phoebe, who begins her own transformation into a vampire so that she and Marcus can be together forever.

36.   The Saturday Night Ghost Club / Craig Davidson

Were you a fan of the TV show “Are You Afraid of the Dark?” If yes, this novel is for you. Davidson explores the blurred line between real-life tragedy and ghost story over the course of one summer in 1980s Niagara Falls. A coming-of-age novel that’s somehow sweet, funny and sad all at once, this story delves into the aftershocks of trauma and the way we heal the cracks in families.

37.   Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right / Jamie Glowacki

I hoped this was the book for us, but I don’t think it was. Some of the tips were great, but others really didn’t work for us. The other issue is that the technique in this book is much better suited to kids staying at home with a caregiver, not kids in daycare.

38.   The Witch Doesn’t Burn in This One / Amanda Lovelace

This is a collection of poetry about women’s anger, women’s long memories and strength in sisterhood. It’s accessible, emotional and a bit of a feminist rallying cry. As someone who is obsessed with the Salem witch trials, I also loved the historical backdrop to the poems.

39.   The Rules of Magic / Alice Hoffman

I love to read seasonally, and this prequel to “Practical Magic” was a perfect October book. Remember Jet and Franny, the old, quirky aunts from the movie? This novel describes their upbringing, along with that of their brother Vincent, as the three siblings discover their powers and try to out-maneuver the Owens family curse.

40.   Witch: Unleased. Untamed. Unapologetic. / Lisa Lister

This book has a very sleek, appealing cover. Holding it made me feel magical. Reading it really disappointed me. From Lister’s almost outright transphobia to her unedited, repetitive style, this was a huge disappointment and I don’t recommend it.

41.   The Death of Mrs. Westaway / Ruth Ware

I liked this novel a lot more than Ware’s other novel, “The Woman in Cabin 10”. Crumbling English manor homes, long-buried family evils and people trapped together by snowstorms are my jam.

42.   Weirdo / Cathi Unsworth

Another British seaside town, another grisly murder. Jumping back and forth between a modern-day private investigation and the parental panic around cults and Satanism in the 1980s, Unsworth unpacks the darkness lurking within a small community and the way society’s outcasts are often used as scapegoats. The creep factor grows as the story unfolds.

43.   Mabon: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for the Autumn Equinox / Diana Rajchel

And so begins my witchy education. I have to admit, I really liked learning about the historical pagan celebrations and superstitions surrounding harvest time. I also liked reading about spells and incantations… ooooOOOOoooo!

44.   From Here to Eternity: Travelling the World to Find the Good Death / Caitlin Doughty

In North America, we are so removed from death that we are unequipped to process it when someone close to us dies. But this doesn’t have to be the case. In this non-fiction account, Doughty, a mortician based in L.A., travels the world learning about the business of death, the cultural customs around mortality, and the rituals of care and compassion for the deceased in ten different places. It seems that the closer we are to death, the less we’ll fear it, and the better-equipped we’ll be to process loss and grief in healthy ways.

45.   Samhain: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for Halloween / Diana Rajchel

Did you know that Samhain is actually pronounced “Sow-en”? I didn’t until I read this book, and felt very intelligent indeed, when later, while watching “The Chilling Adventures of Sabrina” on Netflix, the head witch pronounced the word as “Sam-hain”, destroying the writers’ credibility in one instant. I am a witch now.

46.   See What I Have Done / Sarah Schmidt

This novel is a retelling of the Lizzie Borden murders, illuminated through four characters – Lizzie herself, the Borden’s maid Bridget, Lizzie’s sister, and a mysterious man hired the day before the murders by Lizzie’s uncle to intimidate Mr. Borden (one of the murder victims). I knew very little about the murders before reading this book, but this version of the tale strongly suggests that Lizzie really is the murderer. Unhinged, childlike, selfish and manipulative, I hated her so much and felt awful for everyone that had to live in her orbit.

47.   The Nature of the Beast / Louise Penny

In the 11th installment of Penny’s Inspector Gamache mystery series, she sets the story up with a parallel to the boy who cried wolf and introduces us to her first killer without a soul. Crimes of passion and greed abound in Penny’s universe, but a crime of pure, cold evil? This is a first.

48.   How Are You Going to Save Yourself? / J.M. Holmes

This is a powerful collection of short stories about what it’s like to be a Black man in America right now. It’s about Black male friendship, fathers and sons, outright racism and dealing with a lifetime of microaggressions. Holmes makes some risky and bold decisions with his characters, even playing into some of the harmful stereotypes about Black men while subverting some of the others. This book really stayed with me. One disturbing story in particular I kept turning around and around in my mind for days afterward.

49.   Split Tooth / Tanya Tagaq

This is a beautiful story about a young Inuit girl growing up in Nunavut in the 1970s, combining gritty anecdotes about bullying, friendship, family and addiction with Inuit myth, legend, and the magic of the Arctic. The most evocative and otherworldly scenes in the novel took place under the Northern Lights and left me kind of mesmerized.

50.   Motherhood / Sheila Heti

Heti’s book is a work of fiction styled as a memoir, during which the protagonist, nearing her 40s, weighs the pros and cons of having a baby. I’ve maybe never felt so “seen” by an author before. I agonized over the decision about whether to have a baby for years before finally making a decision. The unsatisfying, but freeing conclusion that both the author and I came to is that for many of us there is no right choice (but no wrong choice either).

51.   The Mistletoe Murder and Other Stories / P.D. James

This is a short collection of James’ four “Christmas-y” mysteries published over the course of a number of years. It was a perfect cozy read to welcome the holiday season.

52.   The Christmas Sisters / Sarah Morgan

Morgan’s story is a Hallmark holiday movie in book form. A family experiencing emotional turmoil at Christmas? Check. Predictable romances, old and new? Check. A beautiful, festive setting? Check. (In this case, it’s a rustic inn nestled in the Scottish Highlands). This novel is fluff, but the most delightful kind.

53.   Jonny Appleseed / Joshua Whitehead

Jonny is a Two-Spirit Ojibway-Cree person who leaves the reservation in his early 20s to escape his community’s homophobia and make it in the city. Making ends meet as a cybersex worker, the action begins when he has to scrape together enough cash to make it home to the “rez” (and all the loose ends he left behind there) for a funeral. The emotional heart of the novel are Jonny’s relationships with his kokum (grandmother) and his best friend / part-time lover Tias.

54.   Yule: Rituals, Recipes and Lore for the Winter Solstice / Susan Pesznecker

Do you folks believe that I’m a witch now? I am, okay? I even spoke an incantation to Old Mother Winter while staring into the flame of a candle after reading this book.

55.   Half Spent Was the Night: A Witches’ Yuletide / Ami McKay

Old-timey witches? At Christmas time? At an elaborate New Year’s Eve masked ball? Be still my heart. This novella was just what I wanted to read in those lost days between Christmas and New Year’s. You’ll appreciate it even more if you’ve already read Ami McKay’s previous novel “The Witches of New York”, as it features the same characters.

[themoneybuff-blog]

Mastering the abundance mindset (and changing your money blueprint)

Shares 531 Old habits die hard. When you get to be a middle-aged man like me, you have forty-nine years of learned behavior to guide your actions and decisions even when you know your choices arent necessarily for the best. Our mental blueprints (including our money blueprints) are deeply ingrained and tough to change. Dont worry. I havent turned into a spendthrift or anything. But Ive been thinking a lot lately about how certain parts of my past continue to affect me, sometimes in huge and annoying ways. For instance, I fight an ongoing battle against a scarcity mindset. I havent been able to master the abundance mindset.

Scarcity and Abundance Ive been reluctant to talk about scarcity and abundance because the terms have been co-opted by Law of Attraction types who use them to encourage magical thinking. I hate the New Age-y approach to these concepts. I want to discuss them from a psychological perspective. With a scarcity mindset, you believe that everything is limited. Time is limited. Money is limited. Love is limited. This causes you to worry about the future. Youre consciously or unconsciously more concerned with what might go wrong than with what could go right. You make fear-based decisions. Youre afraid of missing out. Youre afraid of not having enough. You have trouble with moderation and often exhibit all or nothing behavior.With an abundance mindset, you believe theres plenty for everyone. Theres plenty of wealth, prestige, and happiness to go around. Youre optimistic about the future. You think things will work out even if there are bumps along the way. You make decisions based on the Big Picture rather than a single snapshot in time. Its easy for you to balance tomorrow and today. Ive written before about my trouble with impulse control. In the past, Ive had problems with overspending, overeating, video game addiction, alcohol consumption, and borderline hoarding behavior. (Im a compulsive collector of Stuff.) All of this the collecting, the addictive tendencies, the lack of self-control stems from a scarcity mentality. But I didnt realize it until a few years ago when my therapist helped me see the source. Because my family didnt have much when I was young, I find it difficult to defer gratification. My default mindset even when life is grand is that if I want something and its available, I should get it now. Somewhere deep inside, I feel as if there wont ever be another chance. My father had this mindset. My mother had it. My brothers have it too. (Like me, Jeff and Tony have both learned to fight the feeling of scarcity in their own fashion.) A Real-Life Example of the Scarcity Mindset Over the past year, my deeply-seated scarcity mindset has begun to manifest itself in another annoying way. Since moving into our new house last July 1st, weve had to make tens of thousands of dollars worth of repairs. About $56,000 of these costs came from the sale of our previous home, but that still leaves us on the hook for $30,000 or $40,000. We have one last project to do before we believe were finished: We want to replace the rotting back deck and install a hot tub. (This was the first project we had planned to tackle when we moved in, but we had to put it off for more pressing priorities.) Kim and I know without a doubt that well use the deck and hot tub nearly every single day of the year. (TMI: Currently, she and I both take several hot baths each week. If we had a hot tub, wed be able to soak together.) Its not a question of whether well get value from building an outdoor oasis. No, the problem is that Ive reached some sort of mental breaking point. Im reluctant to spend another penny on home improvement. Im over it. I hate the idea of cashing out yet another chunk of my index funds. Hate it, hate it, hate it. I feel like thats money Ill never get back. (I feel this way despite the intellectual understanding that wed recoup maybe 80% of our costs if we were to sell the home in the future.) I recognize that this is my scarcity mindset kicking in, yet I cannot shake these feelings. Theyre a part of my money blueprint. Heres the thing: In so many ways, financial freedom depends on casting aside this scarcity mentality and embracing an abundance mindset instead. Financial well-being is fundamentally tied to positive expectations of the future. Lets look at three ways the scarcity mindset can manifest itself and how to embrace abundance instead. Jealousy and Spite For some, the scarcity mindset manifests as jealousy and spite. These folks resent the success of others, financial and otherwise. They find it tough to be happy when something good happens to a friend or family member. Theyre territorial, reluctant to co-operate toward a greater common good. Heres how Stephen Covey describes this flavor of scarcity in The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: People with a scarcity mentality tend to see everything in terms of win-lose. There is only so much; and if someone else has it, that means there will be less for me. This type of scarcity mindset is the source of the average Americans love-hate relationship with wealth. Most people want to be wealthy but are suspicious of those who already are. They typical person believes that when she makes money, its a result of hard work and skill. But others who get rich? Theyre lucky jerks who dont deserve it. People with this form of the scarcity mindset dont just hold back themselves but they keep down the people around them. This usually manifests as gossip and griping. Sometimes these people keep score. In extreme cases, they actively work to sabotage the success of others. People with this type of scarcity mindset are a drag on life, a net negative to the world at large. What if you suffer from this sort of scarcity mentality? Train yourself to be happy for others. Recognize that my success does not diminish you. Life is not a zero-sum game. To that end: Dont compare yourself to other people. Focus on yourself, on your own goals and accomplishments. If you must compete, compete with yourself. Strive for constant self-improvement.Practice a win-win approach to life. Look for ways to improve your own situation while also helping those around you. When faced with a conflict, dont try to be the victor; instead, work toward a solution beneficial to both parties.Teach yourself to share. Force yourself to give things time, money, resources to other people. When you have a surplus of something, spread the love. (More on this later.) Jealousy and spite can be overcome, but it takes work. Making the effort is a great way to change your outlook, creating a better life for yourself and the people around you. Never Enough

For others, the scarcity mindset manifests as fear of the future. These people think and act like children of the Great Depression. Theyre so worried about how bad things could get that theyre unable to recognize and enjoy what they already have even when they have a lot. Let me give you an example. I once met with a woman who had over $6 million in the bank. She was my age mid forties and lived a modest lifestyle. She wasnt overly frugal, but she didnt spend a lot either. Plus she had just landed a job that paid half a million per year. Nice position to be in, right? Not to her. She was scared to stop working because the didnt want to run out of money. Based on standard assumptions about inflation and stock market returns, this woman could probably spend $240,000 per year for the rest of her life and still die rich. (Thats without taking into account her new $500k per year position!) Her spending was closer to $50,000 per year, yet she fretted about not having enough. Other folks are more extreme. Ive known retirees who have millions in the bank but who are so frightened of the future inflation! peak oil! stock market collapse! that they wont spend on needed home repairs and health concerns. What good is all of that money if youre dead or your house falls down around you? These folks arent harming anyone else (at least not directly), but theyre doing severe damage to their own well-being. They sacrifice happiness today in order to have more tomorrow but they never enjoy tomorrow. People with this type of scarcity mentality never have enough. No amount of money will allow them to sleep soundly at night. What if you feel like youll never have enough? Unlike those who suffer from jealousy and spite, you should keep score. Do this in two ways: First, keep a journal a standard daily diary. It doesnt have to be detailed. Write down the most important events from your life. And every day note at least one thing for which you are grateful. At the end of each year, go back and re-read what youve written. (This exercise will increase in value the longer you keep at it.)Second, track your net worth and spending. Know how much you have and how much you need. Remember this rule of thumb: For every $25 youve saved, you can probably spend $1 each year without worry. (If youre really nervous, you might change that to $1 for every $30 or $40 saved.) If you have more than enough stashed away and still fret about the future, force yourself to spend. Im dead serious. Pick something youve always wanted to do or have, and go get it. Money is a tool to build a better life. If the tool sits unused, whats the point? Instant Gratification Finally, there are the folks like me, people who find it tough to wait for what they want. Were shopaholics and compulsive spenders. With our flavor of the scarcity mindset, were so skeptical about tomorrow that we enjoy too much today. We want it all and we want it now. A decade ago, when I still struggled with money, I had nothing saved. No retirement, no nothing. What I ought to have been doing was paying down my debt and building a foundation for the future. Instead, I was spending everything I earned on books, comics, and computer games. It never occurred to me to wait. I wanted things now, so I bought them. As I mentioned at the start of this article, my therapist helped me to understand that growing up poor had given me a loathing of uncertainty and an inability to delay gratification. My money blueprint was largely constructed around a fear of missing out. During my transition from spendthrift to money boss, I learned to put off potential spending. I learned to wait for the things I wanted. Like the last group, people with this sort of scarcity mentality never have enough. But the lack manifests in a different way. Instead of needing more money, we need more Stuff. We buy and buy and buy and are never satisfied. Theres no amount of possessions that will make us happy. What if a feeling of scarcity drives you to always want more? Practice the art of deferred gratification. I learned this skill by using the 30-day rule. Heres how it works: When you see something you want, make a note of what it is, where you saw it, and how much it costs. But dont buy it yet.Over the next 30 days, be on the lookout for free or cheap alternatives. Does the library have that book? Can you borrow that tool from a friend? Could the local thrift store have a similar shirt?At the end of 30 days, if you still want the item then consider buying it. In most cases, however, youll find the urge to purchase has passed. Also practice moderation. Recognize that most things in life dont require an all or nothing approach. You can have some, and thats okay. Finally, keep a gratitude journal. The fundamental problem with this type of scarcity mindset is not appreciating what you already have. Force yourself to catalog the good things in your life. From Scarcity to Abundance A scarcity mindset leads to self-defeating behavior. It sabotages your chances for future financial success. Even when a Depression-type scarcity mentality helps you accumulate piles of cash, youre unable to enjoy it. Youre afraid to. Fear is always at the heart of scarcity: fear of failure, fear of the future, fear of missing out. Those with a scarcity mindset cling to the notion that theres a limited amount of everything, and theyre afraid they wont get their share. Well talk more about fear (and overcoming it) next week. For now, you should recognize that in order to achieve financial freedom, you must adopt an abundance mentality. If youre worried about lack, you arent free.

Ive already suggested several ways to fight specific flavors of scarcity. To finish, lets look at a technique anyone can use to move from scarcity to abundance: To get what you want, give what you want. What do I mean? In an amazing article from the academic journal Psychological Science, researchers suggest that giving time gives you time. The authors found that spending time on others (instead of yourself) boosts how much time you think you have in both the present and the future. Many of us feel pressured by the modern world. We feel rushed, as if theres never enough time to do what we want. We feel a lack, a scarcity, of minutes and hours and days. To cope with this, we tend to turn inward. We watch TV. We play videogames. We get a massage. But studies show that wasting time like this truly is a waste. When we spend time on ourselves, we feel like the time is lost. On the other hand, when we give our time to others helping friends or volunteering in the community, for instance we experience feelings of time affluence. Plus our time seems fuller. We feel better about ourselves and what weve done. And as a bonus: Giving time to others not only increases the givers sense of subjective time but can also increase the recipients objective amount of time, such that giving time contributes to the well-being of both the self and others. That, my friends, is abundance in action. The bottom line? When individuals feel time constrained, they should become more generous with their time despite their inclination to be less so. The same idea applies to other areas of your life in which you experience feelings of lack. When I started giving away and selling my Stuff several years ago, for example, I came to realize just how much I had. Before, when I was constantly in acquisition mode, I felt like I had very little. I was wrong. I had mountains of things! If you feel a lack of respect from others, give respect to others. If you feel a lack of compassion from others, be compassionate to others. If you feel like people dont love you, love other people. If you feel broke, donate time and money to the poor. If you feel like youll never have enough wealth, systematically give away some of what you have. In The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey writes: The abundance mentalityis the paradigm that there is plenty out there and enough to spare for everybody. It results in sharing of prestige, of recognition, of profits, of decision making. It opens possibilities, options, alternatives, and creativity. The abundance mindset comes from understanding theres plenty in the world: plenty of money, plenty of love, plenty of time. Theres plenty for everyone both for you and for others. Theres plenty now and therell be plenty tomorrow. Enjoy it! A Real-Life Example of the Abundance Mindset While we were wintering in Savannah two years ago, Kim hustled to get her dental hygiene license for the state of Georgia so that she could earn some money. She spent a couple of days driving across the city, dropping off rsums and speaking with doctors. Soon she started getting calls asking her to do fill-in work while other hygienists were sick or on vacation. She also got an offer for a long-term position at a big office in town. Kim could have taken the long-term gig. In fact, she was tempted. What if I cant find any other positions? she asked as we talked through her options. This is a sure thing. Maybe I should take it in case nothing else comes along. After a few days of internal debate, Kim decided not to take the long-term offer. Im getting plenty of calls from other offices, she reasoned. Ill bet I can stay busy just with the short-term stuff, and thatll give me greater flexibility. Sure enough. Because she refused to make a fear-based decision, because she chose to believe shed have more opportunity rather than less, she was able to pick and choose when and where shed work. She had more offers than she had time. She constantly got new calls asking her to fill in. When we returned to Portland, she used the same experience to find permanent dental hygiene positions. She cast her net wide, then waited for the offers to come. And they came. By exercising patience and an abundance mindset, she landed two gigs that she loves. (Plus, she still gets fill-in offers all of the time.) Shares 531 https://www.getrichslowly.org/abundance-mindset/

[spilling-thoughts-blog1]

a collection of my honest (yet irrelevant) thoughts. | wednesday 8/30/2017 |

current adventure: college. 

I feel stupid sitting on a bench on campus writing a post to (possibly) nobody; but after 3 classes (with another one today) spanning these first three days of college, I feel like I need to write it out. crying can only relieve so much in all honesty. so emo, my apologies. 

classes started Monday, 8/28/30 and from the moment I woke up on Sunday, I've felt so empty and drained despite only taking two hour-and-twenty-minute long classes. Monday was okay. Class let out 30 minutes early, and since it was my only class of the day I walked a few blocks down to Girlfriend’s campus. Her school is insanely nice, just my style. Very industrial, modern, and taken care of. A drastic difference to my school. 

Its dirty and old (not a cute-worn though, it just looks like it hasnt been taken care of) and the kids are crusty bums. Granted, Girlfriend’s school has weirdos, lots of them, but theres a sense of safety because you know they won't try to shank you if you bump them! I don't have that luxury here. Her school is a private art school, mine is just the local community college. gotta save those dollars.

Anyways. On Monday I sat on a bench (at Girlfriend’s school,) similar to this one, but I had the grass next to me instead of the dirt and sticks here and a young guy was cutting the lawn and it was quiet (aside from the lawnmower) and pretty and I felt like I was at home. The guy was nice, he felt bad asking me to move for a second so he could cut the grass next to me. If I was at my school I bet they would have just mowed right over my folders. Girlfriend got out of class after about an hour of me sitting on her campus and I got to see her for a few minutes, really the only other time I’ve seen her aside from the 20 minute car ride to school (which is two days a week keep in mind.) 

We used to hang out everyday. Senior year was the best because I got to see her during practically every period (1st, 2nd, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th actually... that is a lot lol) and then we would hang out after school. Perk of your girlfriend not driving- you have an excuse to see her more often; she has to run errands, she needs a ride home, she needs a ride to, etc etc. 

The smell of funnel cake keeps distracting me. I don't think theres any funnel cake, it just smells fried and sweet because the cafeteria is behind me and I'm getting hungry for the first time this week.

Not seeing her is one of the shittiest parts of college so far. I really miss her. Her classes are super long, each one at least 2 hours long I believe, and even though our schools are less than a 10 minute walk from each other, I can't see her because when she gets out of class, I'm just going into class. I also hate not seeing any familiar faces. Yeah, you have to make friends blah blah blah, but its a shock going from my nice high school with students I’d gone to school with since middle school; some even elementary school to this. sounds privileged, in know... I don't know why it keeps surprising me as well seeing full on adults walking into classes. Good for them though. 

My next class starts in 40 minutes (at 11:00 and its 10:17) but I’ll probably head up in a few. It’s a 2 hour and 50 minute class and I didn't bring any of the 6 books we have to read because I already had my two English books and I didn't want to lug 8 novels around in my backpack, especially since we haven't needed any of our books on the first day. But then again, its a 3 hour class and I doubt we’ll get out that early. 

Ew it smells like kerosene... not my favorite smell by far. They're setting up lame tables and tents and “Week of Welcome” activities. Will I participate? no. Am I the cause of my misery and tears thus far? Mostly. 

I read up on all of my professors I could find on “rate my professor” and this next one seems super fun. He has like, 4.4/5 review and apparently he's hot. everyone said his class is easy too which is a bonus. The reviews weren't too wrong about my Comp 2 professor, they didn't speak too highly of her. Right now I'm not a fan. She comes to class 5 minutes before it begins and seems very disorganized. I really don't like that. My Psych teacher is an absolute loon, but I feel like thats to be expected from a community college psychology professor. No offense if thats what you want to be, or if your favorite professor (or family member) is one. Just my honest thoughts. 

The sun came out, thats nice. Eases my anxiety a little bit when its nice out. 

Jesus Christ (pardon my language if it offends you) Chris brown just started blaring out of the welcome week speakers. they're trying to make this shitty cheap ass campus a party. no thank you. “now everybody put your hands in the air. yeah yeah yeah.” its lit. sense the sarcasm.

Hopefully this class will be better and when I get home (1:50 can't come soon enough) the feeling of empty darkness inside of me that has lingered for the past 3 days will subside a little bit. I won't get my hopes up. I should start a tear jar, a warning to seniors.

WHEN I SAY I WANT TO SEE FAMILIAR FACES I DONT MEAN THE CRUSTY MEAN FUCKBOYS I WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH. I WANT TO SEE MY FRIENDS; OH WAIT, THEYRE ALL OVER ACHIEVERS AND NICE KIDS AND ARE AWAY AT SCHOOLS LIVING FUN LIVES AND BEING HAPPY, OR AT PRIVATE SCHOOLS RIGHT DOWN THE STREET BUSY DOING AMAZING ART. now its glamorous. good thing Fergie spells G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S because I don't think half of these kids can.

its been a while, its almost 5:30 now. my 3 hour class was boring as hell. he is not hot, nor young and he was 5 minutes late to class. you can hear him suck back his snot every few minutes and choke on it a little. but his class will be easy so thats great. I'm just questioning whether I need it or not. 

I haven't cried yet today, we’ll see how I feel later though. I miss Girlfriend. She’ll be home soon but I’ll bet you she’ll have to eat dinner as soon as she gets home, and then she’ll start her homework. nobody disrupts her art, not even me so I'll get to talk to her before bed for a few before I pass out at 10:00. It sucks because I was supposed to see Her Friday after my morning class ends, because she doesn't have class but then my new manager asked if I could come in. so instead of finally spending a day with her I'll be getting trained. my old manager is starting at the new store which is why I'm coming with him, but he has to get trained first, so really, its like starting a new job completely. I don't know why I decided it would be a good idea to switch jobs the first week of school. granted, there was no way in hell I would have stayed at my old job. I just should have waited until this first God awful week was over. but thats just my luck. 

Im always so tired now. I say always like its been a few weeks of school when really its been 4 days. mom asked if I wanted to go on a walk with the family, and of course I said no. “it’ll be good for your mental health” ahh I see, she can see me slowly slipping downhill again and wants to prevent it. well, I don't think a walk is going to make me feel much better about the fact that my school is dirty and the hallway I was in for my last class smelled horrible, which obviously worsened my mood, and the added fact that I'm starting a new job this week and don't know what I should wear. oh, and the other fact that I don't get to see my girlfriend anymore already and its only been 4 days. 

I had a bad feeling when She had her orientation and made her schedule. I new going to different schools would be horrible, but I didn't realize it would be like this. she's actually having fun and enjoying herself and making a few friends, and then theres me and I'm miserable and still have yet to speak to anyone really and she can't text in class when I'm out of class and I can't text in class when she's out. so thats great. I'm just waiting for the day she says someones flirting with her and she doesn't hate it. perks of dating a poly. I can't say no and deny her, especially when I'm not doing anything for her, or even seeing her, when someone else sees her almost every day. here come the watery eyes. plus, those kids are so much like her, they share her biggest passion. She always says she could never date someone who does what she does because it would be too much competition, but I feel like she's going to meet a photographer or videographer and it’ll be different enough to not impede on her talent, but it'll be similar enough that it’s great conversation and bonding. I'm just a jealous girlfriend, and college for us is looking to be the way I thought it would.

so, a summery for my future self who doesn't want to listen to this pity party:

Wednesday august 30, 2017. college sucks, I cry everyday, I hate my cheap dirty school and lame ass professors, I hardly see Girlfriend already, her experience is going great and I’m stressed af about starting a new job. countdown to the end of the semester-  74 days, 15 weeks, roughly 3.75 months, aka, too long to keep doing this shit. 

[benchgenderstudies]

The Prophet from Shady Places

by Michael Bench

//A prose written to Cops and the Public by a Gender Anthropologist and Cannabis Pundit.  When certain bad guys behind badge get all wound up, cray- cray and need that time out.. something for them to de-escalate on//

--------------------------------------------------------- 

Ask a prophet from shady places about the world

they'll tell you the perils of thieving 

before the nonthief’s mind blooms a reason of positive reward.

*

I got a problem with cops to take up with other cops.

Its not NWA lyrics

Cops B is not Cops A. A does not equal B.

Cops B are down south: TX,CO,AZ,UT

Cops B been helping themselves to Quasimormon runaways

They on the roadside trying not to get raped the first time,

not get married a second time before their 15th birthday

These southern quasimormons have loyalty feuds under the bright bright sun

 *

It's really bright and sunny in those states

its so sunny and bright that if the god of jesus couldn't see

girls being raped while in bondage unprotected TIS OF THEE

That he'd not be perfect even for a son of a bitch.

*

There's low hanging fruit here, Cops.

Looky map wise like the pains of Samweis,

Worried Frodo is looking for a crib and not a ring.

To a middle east and middle south confederate region

Bible belts and bible whistles

and bible thumpers who've written every word in it

Jesus doesn't speak to them for they'd molest him too

Make him say silly things unbelievable if he has any room in his mouth

to get a word out. To sound in message like he used to.

 *

Two hostile regions getting lots of sun and no service.

There's two imaginative sources of prophets

yammering  about a visions of dehydration

no wonder you felt like it was the end of the world

Some more water, drown your spinning mind

Get some more water , lose the divinity.

 *

All these bad visions a collected page vice robbing a girl of her decency

A bunch of males each region trafficking girls, like they're the only humans in it.

To each other, to someone else. Elders of the quasimormon portapotty, compound size;

Suffer the gluttony, pride and lust so openly

No version of an assembly of Jesus's words even edited would protect them

*

The cops in texas and arizona , and utah, and perhaps other states..

They turn these girls back to the cult.

Some they turn around themselves first .

There is no religious fence against protecting the children

If in the name or mild margindoodle of Jesus ink selfie

associated to any religion, protect the children.

 *

Neither cops  of these states, sheriffs, parish leaders

nor anyone else in eased vision seems to be practicing that angle of the faith

The direct angle. Most so certain well lit angle

That if this universe had any association  

of a very creation story spun by the jews and christians..

A very hot hand would reach down from the sky  from the hot sun

pinning this world flat on a the rack of justice

And strip the identity of this mormon or lesser mans face right off their skull

Along with associated pains long past due.

*

*Ashen piles.have you sympathy for them, Cop A?Cob B?

Dirt among the white race is being ignored by white cops.

Some bad news that can be made good.

I personally would like each of these

gated community rapist mormons branded with a Swastika

to assure their head is in the game.

2 ft x 2ft, on their back. Every "elder". taking wives instead of meeting wives.

*

Protect and Serve doesn't necessarily sound like protect the children.

Its like Ragu, its in there. and if I were to believe a

father , son and holy spook have a place in the clouds,

that still isn't the commandments of Jesus that said

'love those as I loved you" and " protect the children , you stupid mothfekkers".

In fact.. Jesus has a much better record teaching humanity than the sky god managed,

 *

If all that literary fraud were set aside,

I'd rather quote myself " protect the children, stupid mothfekkers",( to the cult)

address it to the states of the south where the bible belt is allegedly tightest.

And the deep south Middle east where religion ,child abuse, teen rape is a traffic pattern

Its really bright out in the sun. Don't discount,

An overheated brain is a damaged brain.. leaving the more animalian more leash ..

to make a stupid man sound worse and then spermaspaz  a bundle of kids

with pregnancies he can't raise on the alotments of hours per day.

 *

Not even in the risen Jesus's own jewy backyard does he save the youth.

but its really bright outside and should a god hear all these people's worship

not doing a thing to protect his children.Often its in his name

 *

So if two or three people are gathered in his name

is he god taking part in the gang rape of the kids too?

Cop Group A , there's a racial thing going on about drugs,

If you check the records, these hurt and traumatized girls

white girls, get on the drugs and strip afterwards. If they escape

Traumatized and wanting freedom in their own terms

 *

Cop Group A , getting heavy on the politician's non relatives

Your supervisor is too much a bitch to have your back,

it’s a new job task environment

When the governors son gets caught banging a 16 year old

A Cop supervisor needs insulation

when musts of prosecution

prosecute ranks of the city council families.

Keep it in the paper, See who you are, whitey.

Its not tidy. among your own extremists,

in the south, in the bright bright sun

they do such tormenting deeds of power over their young girls

its like they think they were the god..

or what they'd do from the power of the throne either way.

 *

So how many wives does the god of jesus have?

Abraham, Adam .. At most two.

These antisocial desert creatures are holed up in their own lies

Nurturing the children is no verb of mormons; the hardliners are labeled.

made to fear the apocalyptic outside world.

It’s a blaspheme to expect the apocalypse, did you know this?

Doubting Thomas is a taken gig. Observe the creation and be thankful. Nothing else.

When the end is called for , the doubted faith is admitted, when worshippers want more.

Even the type of more that calls to protect the children from mormon cult rapists.

 The book of Jesus; new testament doesn't cover the polygamists.

Unlimited wives is not the spectre of  rightful unlimited hardship

Protecting and being friendly to the little children isn't going on.

Members trying to escape a faith, a marketing failure

The likes of Warren Jeffs due a lesson he won't forget.

Since they don't follow Jesus's word before..

they must follow him in no uncertain terms later

Up the cross three days , Crucifixion can skate the 8th amendment

for this one certain cause.

 *

Quasi mormons and the remainder of the child rape cults

by Jesus's name must learn to follow.

Normally the Romans just leave the body up on the post.

Traditional values also must win out for displaying faith.

The gluttony for sex by herding , not pickup lines or practiced suave

a lazy old man not earning his dick parking.

Lower than the van drivers Putting effort into a convincing abduction lure.

The quasimormon reads his reasoning from a book. 

 *

The religious heatstroke garble is too popular.

A heatstroke a lonely man shares to his friends, to a crowd

For an excuse to feel important again.

He wandered town to town

Named himself a prophet when the last place booted his ass.

From the desert , needing water , he says he had a vision

So his last occupation of ____crime whatever___

doesn't have to get much inquiry.

 *

Everybody loves a hermit.. even the liars that are robbers.

Until the shroud comes off, Touring the neighborhoods

giving the leaders and townsfolk unease

Too tired to rebel and too annoyed to be a cog.

Too fearful to be a disobediant child of men

His god wouldn't protect from the

ill leadership of other men

hoarding a good life for themselves

Without faith at all.

 *

Without faith , Only social morality One group of cops

will take down the allies of child trafficking cults

Theres only two groups.

The majority and the minority.

If the minority is the responsible party to

bust the quasimormon compounds;

I hope its not because the majority are too dick humbled by

their own parking in the prostitutes of the process less visible.

 *

The children can't be blamed when staking them into the ground like outdoor dogs

Expect "god made the grass green and the ground brown" will last 18 years for appeal?,

It Will not last; So not to expect grounds for beating.

 *

Beatings, rapes, throat slashing, molesting and armed guards

Cemeteries have better public relations.

But the living dead walk anyway, birthed into fear for living away from the cult

Translated: parents who train their children to live in their basement.

The secular world doesn't see how obvious a zombie

conversion from human quasimormon polygamy has attempted.

 Mind that Weed produced a better man than mormons did

Mind that Cannabis users are calling on cops right now ,

to pick up the attention toward family values.

A better society than jesus would herd.

A better tangible benefit than praying.

And a more successful relationship with truth than the American Government relating to the risks of tobacco, grounds of foreign war, and monogamy modeled by exemptions with power. There are no forecasts remaining for the will of the individual is the specific determination if human kind puts the next generation before its own libido.

* 

Its about what the book says a religion is, not a man's translation

there's a lot more translation than praying going on

As if anyone worthy to hear a plea of their parish exists

or  responsible enough to prevent its own worshippers from hurting each other.

 *

A god so lazy he won't even say

" listen shit for brains, if you allow the elders to impregnate-rape your 10yr  daughter in the name of jesus, she's not going to be a willing christian. Her body and mind is not ready for a nurturing task"

I says”

Where's the work schedule, god? 

You've been absent and fired a long time ago.

Now it’s a deed of enslavement to the White Race officially.”

I didn't make it up. Its been going on.. now admit

Freedom of religion is not freedom to rewrite a religion..

Lets get that solid.

 #It_Takes_An_AmericanStoner_To_Set_A_Nation_Aright